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divineinsights · 10 months

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Childhood, Present, and Future

I had a dream that felt like a nightmare. I was hiding in a room that kept changing. For a brief second, I was hiding in the bedroom that I once shared with my sister. Then I was hiding in my parents' room. The room changed again, and I was in a room somewhere else, unrelated to my childhood. I was in the body of my younger self and my soul... my current mind and awareness lay dormant in a child's mind. I was 8 or 9 years old again... back to those dark days that I have no interest in remembering. I heard bang, Bang, BANG! That's my dad banging on the door, trying to break in so he could beat me. Pertrified and trapped, as I was ducking behind a nightstand, I thought, this is the end of me. He will probably kill me. it will hurts A LOT and I will probably die. As I took my eyes off the door, I realized I was holding a smartphone phone! (It didn't exist back then.) It was actually my phone in real life, a Samsung X-whatever. My body quickly changes from a child to an older version of me. Since I couldn't see my face and my physical body through another person's eyes... I'm unsure if I've changed into the teenager version of me or the adult version of me. As I became aware of my phone, my mind became mature—closer to my mind now—and I thought, "Oh, I will just call 911! I don't have to be afraid; I don't have to get beat up. I can change this. The police will..." and I woke up. I was upset at my guides and whatever divine power out there that was unknown to me. Sometimes ago in meditation, or it could have been a random message or an insight that I received outside of meditation. It said that there is something in my past that I need to remember. In order to change (or understand), I have to remember. I replied in thoughts that I didn't want to relive those horrible, violent days. The dream forced me to go back and remember the event I have no interest to wonder or ponder about. Lying on the bed mad and all, a feeling or a voice in thoughts came through and said, "We didn't really force you. it could have been a real nightmare where you had zero control, but you had control—did you not guide the dream from a nightmare to a regular dream?" I paused and thought, "Okay, true!" As a child, I was helpless and vulnerable, but as an adult, I was as not as vulnerable. I was more capable of defending myself and had the courage to call the cops on my dad. It mirrored 2 real events when I called the cops on my father because I was scared and convinced that he was going to kill my mom. As a result... I was shamed and shunned by everyone except for my sister. These incidents played a role in shaping me into a very destructive, selfish, and angry person. I get angry when I feel.... and super defensive when.... the beast in me was born.

I was a depressed teenager. Lost... very lost. Sad... very, very sad. What made it all much harder was that I didn't know, I didn't understand what I was feeling, and what I was going through. I had no one to talk to... no one but God and myself.

My friend Yvonne and I, decided to enter a psychic place. It looks creepy, so she stayed outside by the door. Since it was my idea, I went in to have a look. There was an empty, white wooded baby crib... but no baby, and no one was there. There was a huge glass window that everyone could see through in the first room. There were no curtains, so that room was very bright thanks to the afternoon sunshine. I found another room; the door were left open about an inch or an inch in a half. I decided to stick my head in there and said, "Hello?". I couldn't see anything... I was blinded by the sun... my vision didn't have enough time to adjust. All I heard was chanting, and I smelled a dense smoke of incense going up my nose. Something came over me and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I felt a sense of danger and ran out the door. I thought nothing of it until that night around 11pm, 12am or 1am as I lay there waiting to fall asleep. I was staring at my ceiling. I began to hear chanting, the same chanting I heard from the psyhic place. I kept on seeing the image of that place... the white house. I felt a pull, like something was pulling me back, back to that house. I shook myself out of it, I thought I may have gone too far by imagining these ideas in my head. I noticed a shadow—a shadow of the devil—like the one portrayed in the rider tarot decks. I only saw the head not the whole body. That very moment, I blinked and could open my eyes. I couldn't move! I thought if I could move my toes, just one toe or just one finger, I would snap out of it. I kept on trying but couldn't. I think I was in a slow-spinning tunnel when an unseen force aggressively pushed me out of my body. I thought if I allow it, I would surely die. I clung to my body with my mind. Summoning all my strength and tightly holding on to my body with my mind or mental power as I pray to Jesus and God for help. As soon as I called on Jesus, it became more violent, pushing me harder, which tells me that it was working. Finally, I felt a big slam and regained control of my body. It felt like my eyes were never closed-- wide open the whole time. I had the same experience for days; I was afraid to sleep. I later found out I had sleep paralysis. I prayed every day and every night; I even read the Bible out loud and went to the Kingdom Hall. Eventually it stopped, and I was able to sleep again!

About 2 years ago... I was trying to do a past live regression via YouTube because I didn't have the funds for it. As I was listening to the YouTube-guided meditation, I was alert and lucid. I didn't think it was going to work. When the lady said, "Now it is time for you to go back..." Suddenly, I was spinning in circles, faster and faster. The next thing I knew, I was on my bed. As I propped myself up, I saw a shadowy figure... (silhouette?) of a girl with hair in front of her face. I thought, Who is this? What is this? Was I a murderer or a psychopath in my past lives? When she jumped on the bed and squatted down, I was frightened! I tried to get up and run, but then I realized I was paralyzed. I started to pray TO ALL KIND OF GODS AND DEITIES! Something or someone came to my rescue. A glowing golden card with inner white borders fell on my lap, and these words appear in white font, "Find 8". The world started to spin... Something happened with time... That moment was deleted, and I was back to when the lady said, "Now it is time for you to go back..." Again the world started to spin and I was to go again... I freaked out and said, "No, NO NO! I don't want to do this anymore!" I then woke up or came out of it.

I looked up 8... can't remember the exact phrase I searched on the search engine. I read an article or a post that listed 8 as a spiritual teacher. I thought... okay.... maybe I need to find a spiritual teacher to teach me. Weeks or a month later, I found Xane. I thought he was willing to help me but no, he just wanted MONEY! He said the Hathor was his guide. I thought it was strange because I wasn't into the history, ideologies, or religions/teachings of the Ancient Egyptian. Xane did mention that the golden card reminded him of Tarot Cards. He asked if I ever had anything to do with them. I said no. I did have one or two readings done, but I've no interest in them. I told him that it couldn't be the tarot cards because I had zero connection to them. I can't remember if he told me that 8 could be an infinity symbol or if I came to that realization on my own. I continued on, trying to find any clues about my 8. On my journey, I have come across the teachings of many spiritual teachers and Mosab. A few days ago I saw a picture of a tarot card or maybe I remembered what Xane said and decided to search for "tarot card with an infinity symbol" The Magician from the Rider deck came up. The world stood still, deep within my soul I knew that the Magician was me or could be me. I felt a connection to the card and that specific deck, enough to decide to purchase one. I feel a strong urge to look up the meaning of the card. It feels like I am finally receiving the messages from whoever was trying to send me. I found another card, it was the Strength card. The meaning of that card resonates with me and links all the themes or experiences that have occurred in my life.

The Magican is what I am pursuing, what I would like to be. The card warned me to be careful, if I get too conceited I could fall very hard. The maiden is about my nightmare, my childhood trauma, the beast in me that I need to tame. If I refused to look into my past. If I refused to remember what happened to me, I wouldn't be able to help the child in me to fully understand what really did happen and how to heal from it. There is darkness in me. There is a beast in me. I must tame this beast. I must heal this beast and release it. But how can I do so, if I refused to look at it, refused to understand it? To be able to tame the beast, I need to be friends with it, acknowledge it and allow it to be heard, and give it love, forgiveness, and compassion so the beast can move on and heal.

(Days later I found a third card with an infinity symbol and that was about me as well).

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drkineildwicks · 3 years

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So I had a BH6 dream last night/this morning

Good things

Basically I dreamed that BH6 got a new TV show that wasn’t Baymax!

It’s nice to have a dream

Anyway more under the cut, cut included because some of the sketchy-sketches are a bit creepy (such as that one with the severed arm ew):

Dream opened with me and Mom in the living room, her flipping through channels as she does, flipped past this show and I went “wait go back I don’t remember that episode”

TURNS OUT IT WAS BECAUSE IT WAS A NEW SHOW

Done in the same vein and art style as BH6: the Series with the same music

Only it also acted as a soft reboot because it was ignoring the show past City of Monsters

But basically it was a workaround of the “3 season rule” and in the vein of HTTYD with “Riders of Berk” and then “Defenders of Berk”

One of the Amaras (probably Di) was back and trying to get her monsters working again but this time with no preexisting revenue

It was going…questionably

Also everything was green-tinged in this show

Hiro and the gang, meantime, were working in this sort of…like repair shop in/near Good Luck Alley

I think as an undercover thing over the summer

I know Barb from High Voltage was there

(Baymax and Mochi were in the dream too but I forgot where or why)

Fred brought his Gameboy Advance SP and copy of Pokémon Ruby in so Wasabi could fix them X’D

(which, for the record, mood)

And there was a raid and some guy who looked like Finch from Person of Interest got arrested?

Also there were a lot of OCs and I could not tell you anything about any of them because, and I quote my thought process at the time, I don’t care about these guys where are the BH6 characters are they trying to phase them out and use them as legacy characters???

Although I would like to know what this guy’s damage was

I felt like there was a parade of OCs but this is the guy that stuck out IDK why

But there were definitely more than a few undercover monsters scurrying around that could shift to something bigger

And I don’t know if it was because in the dream we caught it after it started or if it started in media res, but Tadashi??? Was there??? Alive???

The team was interacting with him, no one—Hiro included—was freaking out, and yet this was post-CoM???

Which reminds me, I need to work on Safe In Brother’s Wings

Which is worth mentioning because I TOLD MYSELF THAT IN THE DREAM

My work ethic haunts me

I do recall—or maybe it was waking self trying to sort this out—that they weren’t telling Aunt Cass about him yet, hence working at this shady place

But there was also a sus element

Especially when he went to take the trash out and one of the little incognito monsters interacted with him and he had this expression

So I’m left thinking that maybe he’s a clone or a robot or some other explanation and ???

Like yeah Di’s back and making monsters but I could sense that this was the big hook for the show

And then when the show block ended and a new episode started (or maybe it was a commercial??? The dream had commercials) the logo for the show popped up

It was called Big Hero 6 2: Legacies

And let me tell you I was VERY UPSET when I woke up and realized my mind had made this whole thing up because DANGIT I WAS EXCITED FOR A BH6TS SEQUEL AIRING ON DISNEY XD

I hate it when my dreams make up new shows because it formats it like something I find while scrolling through the TV

Because I am always salty when I wake up to find no, it’s not on the TiVo

But this time it had to go the extra mile and get dream-Mom involved

I mean yeah I could tell it was a dream halfway through because perspective shifted from my living room to into the show but dangit I was INVESTED

So hopefully my very unhelpful brain will give me more on this soon but in the meantime share in my disappointment when I woke up and found that I had been given a glimpse into a universe where this existed but my TiVo had not :(

(also anyone wants cleaned-up versions of the sketches I might add that to my to-do list)

#bh6 #big hero 6 #big hero 6 the series #big hero six #big hero six the series #big hero 6 2: legacies #dream au #I was very upset with myself when I woke up and realized it didn't exist :(

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whimsicallyreading · 3 years

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Dark Roast, No Sugar

“Last night I woke the hell up. I realized I need you here, as desperate as that sounds, yeah.” - Jon Bellion

Masterlist

Chapter Nine-

Aelin showed up to the police department in a pair of leggings and an oversized shirt. She didn't even bother putting on the new-ish sneakers she owned, opting for the ones with holes because they didn't squeeze her feet. It wasn't the first impression she wanted to give, but you deserve a little forgiveness when making a whole-ass human.

Leaning over the dash of the car, she presses a friendly kiss to the side of Chaol's face. "Thanks for the ride, boys."

His cheeks redden, and Dorian leans as much of his body as he can into the front of the car, "No sugar for me?"

Aelin laughs and kisses his cheek good-naturedly. "Feel less left out now?"

"Much better," the corners of his happy smile dim, his blue eyes dart to the doors of the precinct. "Are you sure you don't want me to call you a lawyer, Aelin?"

Chaol nods his agreement beside him, his hands clenching the steering wheel despite the car being in park. "Do you want me to go inside with you?"

Aelin feels a bubble of warmth blossoming in her chest. Their worried faces and eagerness to help her- it was almost enough to warm an assassin's heart. "Don't worry. They just need me to clarify a few things in my statement. Nothing serious. Paperwork issues."

Dorian and Chaol had shown up right as she was walking out of the front door of The Stag. When they realized she was leaving and offered her a ride... Aelin couldn't say no. Not with how her feet were aching.

It took some more reassuring, but they finally agreed to let her leave their caring grasps.

Fenrys met her at the door with a smile, "Hey, Baby Mama. Looking beautiful."

Aelin is surprised to find she's genuinely happy to see him. She can't help the toothy grin he brings out in her. "I'm well. How are you this morning, Fen?"

Fenrys lights up at the nickname. "I bought us some donuts. We have a hard day of work ahead of us, and I figured we would deserve a treat in advance."

Donuts sounded phenomenal and vastly improved her outlook of the day.

He steers her through the PD, and several heads turn to stare as she passes. Aelin didn't particularly care. Whatever they thought they knew about her, they probably didn't.

When they finally reach Rowan's office, they find him slumped over a laptop at a desk piled high with neatly stacked papers. The room is minimalistic. Only necessary office items were visible—no personal effects, knickknacks, or pictures of any kind adorning the space.

Rowan himself is also in his usual state of neatness, minus the dirt she could see staining the underside of his nails. He must have been gardening this morning.

Aelin doesn't bother with greetings. She grabs a chair opposite him and sits down. The last few days, she'd been feeling more drained and quick to tire. At first, she attributed it to the baby getting larger and demanding more of her body's resources, but now Aelin started to think that she caught a bug galavanting through the night.

Fenrys set a blueberry donut and a cup of hot tea in front of her. Bless him. Aelin mumbles her thanks before stuffing her mouth.

Rowan shuts his laptop with a snap and replaces it with a yellow notepad. "Alright, Aelin. I need a name. Who do you think is doing this?"

"When is Aedion getting released?" She says around a mouthful of glazed blueberry.

Fenrys slumps into an office chair at a tinier desk in the corner of the room. "This afternoon."

"If all goes well at this meeting," Rowan tacks on the thinly veiled warning. "I need a name."

Aelin leans back in her seat and takes a deep breath. There was a strange heaviness in giving his name. As if speaking it would materialize him into existence in front of her. Her goal when she moved to Ornyth was to forget about him and push her old master as far from her mind as she physically could, but she supposed it was naive to think he wouldn't come looking for her.

This wasn't just for her, Aelin reminds herself. Aedion would benefit from this conversation.

"His name is Arobynn Hammel. He's thirty-five, red hair, grey eyes, and an utter asshole." Aelin lays the name of her childhood tormentor out on the table. A bad taste sours her mouth.

Rowan tosses the notepad to Fenrys, who relays what she said to the paper. He looks at her over his desk with an unreadable expression. "What is your relation to Mr. Hammel?"

"Why?" Aelin chuckles as if the stress is trying to escape her with each half-hearted chuckle. "Do you want to know if he's my baby daddy?"

"Yes," Rowan and Fenrys say simultaneously.

Aelin's smile falls, and she scowls at both of them. They didn't know better, but she still felt insulted.

"He isn't, but I suppose he probably would have liked to be. Make sure to underline that," she points at Fenry's pad of paper. "Arobynn raised me. I don't think he was legally a foster parent, but he is who I was given to in the shuffle after the occupation."

Rowan dips his chin. Green eyes focus on her intensely, as if he's trying to absorb and commit her every word to memory. "How old were you when they put you in his care?"

"Eight," Aelin breathes out, a sharp tingling of grief comes with that admission. "I lived with him from the time I was eight until I turned nineteen."

"Why do you suspect him of producing and distributing Synth?" Rowan asks the nail-in-the-coffin question, and Aelin has to bite back old instincts to lie and conceal this information. It makes her feel vulnerable to expose Arobynn.

Vulnerability isn't an emotion she handles well. After all, when you bare your neck to someone, it becomes within their power to cut their throat.

"I've seen where he makes it, and I oversaw some of his high-risk contracts and dealings with the distribution," Fenrys chokes beside her, but he smothers it with a cough. Even Rowan looks a little taken back, eyes narrowing.

"At what age did you start assisting with his-" he struggles to find the words. "-His business practices."

Aelin blinks, "Eight."

This time, neither of them covers their reactions. They both freeze in their seats, an air of disbelief hanging over them. Aelin feels a chill and tugs at the hem of her shirt, wishing the sleeves were longer.

"What?" Rowan is the first to break the tension.

"I was displaced in the occupation," Aelin begins the watered-down version of her sob story. "I was carted into Adarlan and placed in the care of Arobynn Hammel. Within a couple of months, he was already using me as a mule to get orders across Rifthold. He trained me in various skills to carry out larger jobs, along with a few other children."

"There were others?" Rowan looks saddened by that tidbit.

Mentally Aelin wants to laugh.

Of course, he would be upset at the prospect of other good children suffering from such a fate.`Ones who had the potential he thought she lacked.

If only he knew what bastards they all grew up to be, and she by far was not the worst of them.

Fenrys' eyes were gleaming with more pity than Aelin was comfortable with because, unlike Rowan, she knew it was directed towards her. Gratefully he didn't dig too deeply. Instead, Fenrys picked up the next question. "Can you name the others?"

Aelin bites her lip, leg fidgeting under the table. "Tern Fletcher, Archer Flynn, Adam Mulligan, Lysandra Ennar-" she swallows past the lump in her throat. "Samuel Cortland and myself."

"Lysandra was involved?" Rowan leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. He hasn't looked away, barely blinked, since the questioning began. Aelin feels naked as his eyes seemed to be raking in her every movement.

"Not-" she tries to think of how to phrase it in a way that respects her friend's privacy. "She wasn't involved in the same capacity I was."

"Are the others you know still working with Hammel?" Rowan asks, and Aelin gladly lets them move the conversation away from Lys. She wasn't comfortable digging into her friend's wounds when she wasn't around.

"I suspect Mulligan, Flynn, and Fletcher. They were extremely loyal, and as of the last time I saw them, very active in the business." Aelin fondly remembers the beat down she laid on Archer before their parting words. He sold them out, and she hopes for his sake that they never run into each other again.

Fenrys looks up, "What about Samuel?"

"What?" Aelin flinches, the question taking her back.

"Samuel Cortland," Rowan reiterates. "You named him as one of the employees in Hammel's custody but implied he's no longer active in the business. Where is he then?" He leans forward, and Aelin wishes she could shrink back. "Would he be willing to speak with us?"

"Children." Her voice comes out as gruffer than she intends. "We were kids. Not employees. It wasn't a mutual agreement. None of us could consent to what became of us."

Aelin is surprised by the emotion that makes itself known. She swallows back the tears that want to fall and stuffs her trembling hands under her thighs. The implication any of them had a choice in serving Arobynn was disturbing and utterly wrong.

The taste of skin between her teeth, blood crusting under her nails, and being surrounded in pitch-black darkness consume her. Aelin suddenly feels more ill than she had this morning.

"Of course, Aelin." Fenrys placates. "That's understood. We just need to know where Samuel is. He could be very useful to the investigation."

"Dead," Aelin throws the word out like a dying fish on the table. "He died."

It hurt to say that. Tears burned in the corners of her eyes. Sam dying was worse than talking about Arobynn. A million times worse.

Aelin tries to swallow the lead rock in her throat. Arobynn didn't deserve to be known. His legacy was of blood, abuse, and control. It belonged in the sewer alongside his corpse.

Sam, on the other hand, deserved to be known. He abandoned by the system, forgotten by his family, and still chose kindness above all else. Sam's story deserved to be told, and it killed Aelin that it hurt her so much to share it.

"How did he die?" Fenrys prods delicately.

"What?" Aelin asks dumbly, heart accelerating in her chest.

"How did Samuel die? Any details you can give are beneficial. and you agreed to cooperate." Rowan reminds her sternly.

Mala save her, she couldn't go into detail about how she found him. She couldn't. Aelin feels blood rushing up to her head, and the room seems to sway.

"Sam. He liked to be called Sam-" Is all Aelin manages to choke out. "Excuse me."

Pushing herself from the desk, she shakily bolts for the office door. Their complaints are silenced as the glass shuts behind her. Outside, Aelin can feel the trembling beginning in her hands and spreading up her arms.

Sweat beads on her forehead in the oppressive heat of the building, but when she rubs her face, it feels damp and cold to the touch.

Aelin frantically strides down the hall, eyes darting around madly for a bathroom door. Nausea was creeping up her throat, and she really didn't want to throw up in someone's trashcan. She knew she was moving quickly, that someone might see her and become alarmed, but anxiety made everything feel like it was moving in slow motion.

A dainty hand grips her elbow and tugs in gently. "Follow me, dear. I can help you."

Aelin's head is swimming, and she allows the calming voice to steer her back in the other direction. When the person pushes open the bathroom door and Aelin sees the navy blue stalls, she rips her arm away and falls to her knees before the porcelain bowl.

Long, slender fingers pull her hair back from her face and rub her shoulders as Aelin loses her breakfast. "You are okay," the voice consoles—a hand massages up her spine and soothes the aches there.

Aelin's whole body is shuddering now. Her stomach rolls over itself, and the muscles of her diaphragm are quaking with exertion. She doubts she could get to her feet if she tried. A strand of drool hangs from her lips, and Aelin would be humiliated if her head wasn't still reeling.

Gouged eyes. Bent fingers. Blood on her lips.

A wad of paper towels appears and dabs at her cheeks, which Aelin hadn't even realized were wet with tears. She failed to notice that her body was shuddering under the intensity of the sobs coming from her. The woman continues to pat her cheeks and nose. Then to her mortification, it swipes at the spit hanging from her mouth.

Mala end me now, she mentally pleads.

Aelin looks up to find a woman with raven hair and onyx eyes looking at her sympathetically. "I'm sorry, dear. I don't mean to overstep. I've been where you are before. Please don't be embarrassed."

Opening her mouth, Aelin makes to apologize, but another crackling sob breaks from her chest instead.

She's just tired. Tired of being sad. Tired of feeling sick. Tired of being unable to even say his name without breaking down.

Arms wrap around Aelin's shoulders and tug her into an embrace. She allows her face to burrow into the woman's blazer as the grief racks through her body.

"Oh, sweety. It's going to be alright. I promise whatever is going on right now will work out." Fingers rake through Aelin's hair soothingly. It turns her to jello in the woman's arms. Her presence was just so motherly in a way that Aelin sorely misses.

She holds Aelin tight until she's calm enough to hold a plastic cup of water without dropping it. The woman helps her stand and wipes the mascara smudges off her cheeks with a damp towel. "There you go," she tosses the towel in the trash when she deems Aelin presentable. "Brand new, again."

"Thank you," Aelin breathes out at last. "I don't even know what to say."

"Say nothing," the woman waves her hand. "I've been pregnant before. Hormones. Nausea. It isn't an easy ride, dear. Besides, no one comes to a police station for a good reason." The woman pulls a stick of gum from a purse sitting on the sink and offers it to her. Aelin accepts it gratefully.

"Has anyone told you that stress isn't good for you?" Her kind eyes bore into Aelin worriedly. "You look very pale."

"I've been told. Many times." Aelin rubs her forehead, an ache already forming there. "I just don't have much of a choice."

"What's your name? I'm Maeve." She smiles and extends a hand for Aelin to shake.

Aelin takes the hand, happy that they aren't trembling so badly. "Aelin."

"Do you have any name ideas for the baby?" Maeve's eyes glance down towards the slight swell of her belly a little wistfully.

Names? Aelin periodically forgot that the human growing inside of her would pop into the world and require such a thing. It was a far-off event where she had plenty of time to accommodate for things in her head. In reality, she was halfway through her fourth month.

Time was ticking.

"No. I don't have any ideas yet." Aelin admits.

Maeve pats Aelin's shoulder kindly. "That's just fine. Ignore my curiosity. You have plenty of time if-" she emphasizes, "you take better care of yourself."

There is a knock on the door. "Aelin, are you alright?"

Rowan.

"Yes. I'll be back in a minute," Aelin says through the door.

She waits until his footsteps echo back down the hallway before she makes towards the exit. Eager to leave the bathroom and the memories of her awkward breakdown with it. "Thanks again. Really. I appreciate it."

Aelin truly meant it despite the utter humiliation she felt.

"Let me walk you back to Rowan's office?" Maeve asked. "It's easy to get turned around in this building."

They walked in a comfortable silence back to the office. Maeve's demeanor is so tranquil it surprises Aelin when the demure woman pushes the door open without knocking. "I have a delivery for you boys."

"Chief?" Rowan stands up, confused.

What? Aelin blinks and turns back to the woman, noting the black and whites and the metal badge on the breast of her blazer. The same blazer Aelin had just cried on.

Blood rushed to her face, and her brain curdles in her skull. Of course, it was the law of Orynth whose arms she just broke down in. Adarlan's Assassin reduced to a ball of hormones clinging to the chief detective of Terrasen like a baby clinging to its mother.

"Has she caused trouble?" Rowan's eyes glint with steel.

If you've done anything to degrade me to my boss, the deal is off.

"Not at all. We ran into each other in the bathroom and had a lovely chat," Maeve brushes an invisible piece of dust from Aelin's shoulder. "I will let the three of you get back to business. You are in excellent company."

Aelin's lip quirks. Just the opposite. She loves me. Congratulations, you are already reaping the benefits of my presence.

"Oh, and Fenrys?" Aelin looks at Fenrys, who is actively ignoring them. "The reports you promised are late. Have them to my desk by the end of the day, please."

"Will do, Chief." Fenrys' reply is dry and lacks his usual pep.

Aelin notes the worried glance Rowan throws him, but he swiftly covers it with an expressionless mask. "I will make sure he gets it done."

What was that? Aelin tries to pry an answer from Rowan, but he avoids her look.

When Maeve leaves, the tension eases from the men's shoulders.

"You are trouble," Rowan tosses at her without venom.

Aelin picks up the cup of tea she left at his desk, glad it's still warm. "Yes, but only the best kind."

"We haven't laid out a single plan for weaseling out Arobynn," Fenrys makes an irritated face at them. "If either of you could focus for ten minutes, we can do the rest of the questioning later, but we need to start throwing out ideas."

"Did Rowan piss in your tea in the last ten minutes I was gone?" Aelin shoots back, not appreciating his sudden attitude.

"Thirty," Rowan says. "You were gone for thirty minutes. That's why I came looking for you. Also, ruining beverages is your thing, not mine."

Damn, had she been gone that long? A glance at the clock confirms he was correct.

When she turns back to Rowan, there is almost something like worry in his eyes? That couldn't be right, Aelin rubs that aching side of her head again. She needed to stop reading so deeply into things.

"We can continue with questioning later," Rowan announces. "Fenrys is correct in saying we need to start making plans. You've given us enough to work with for now."

They sat back in their chairs, pulled out more notepads, red pens, and sticky notes. Together, Aelin helped them form a list of potential places Arobynn would be laying low. Hotels, rental homes, and vacant manors. He had a taste for luxury Aelin knew he wouldn't sacrifice for anonymity.

Test results were still running on the Synth. Technicians had let them know it showed highly abnormal properties compared to average street drugs, and they promised to send them an extensive report when they were through.

Rowan had hushed any potential news stories about The Stag shooting. He didn't want anyone who may know Celaena to catch wind and start snooping around. Aelin was his best lead, which afforded her a certain level of discretion he acknowledged.

They didn't know about the Bane patrolling her block at night, keeping their eyes on the streets for unusual activity.

The clock ticked, and the light beaming through the winders grew warmer as the afternoon trickled away. It was nearly five o'clock when Rowan declared then done for the day, and Aelin was utterly exhausted.

"Come on," Fenrys offered her a hand to help her stand. "I can drive you by the prison. Aedion should be getting checked out as we speak."

"Thank you," Aelin accepts the help. Her feet ached, and she felt entirely drained. It was good Fenrys was offering a ride, or she'd have to call Dorian to come and get her.

Together, the three of them made their way to the parking lot. Conversation between them was sparse but not unpleasant. They'd fallen into a rhythm at some point while working together. It helped break up some of the awkwardness between her and Rowan.

Aelin hustled a little bit when she spotted Fenry's luxury car. She wanted to claim the front seat before Rowan did. Her gut couldn't handle the stress of riding the back.

Her fingers barely grazed the polished handle when Fenrys started yelling.

Arms wrapped around her waist, and Aelin's face throbbed as it found itself slammed into the asphalt. A loud explosion rattled her ears, and chunks of debris went flying through the air. A thick foggy smoke started filling the air, and she immediately started choking on it.

A dense weight lifts off her back, and hands grab her shoulders, rolling her body to face the clouded sky instead of the ground. Rowan is in her personal space immediately. He's speaking to her, but no sound is penetrating the ringing in her ears.

His hands are running along her arms, the side of her face, checking for injury. Aelin tries to ask him if he's alright, but he doesn't seem able to hear her either.

Suddenly, Fenrys is there, and he's grabbing them both by the arms. They are moving away at a sprint. Fenrys is yelling, but the smoke is stinging her eyes, and even seeing is becoming hard.

There is another explosion, and Aelin can feel the tremors beneath the soles of her shoes as the three of them hit the ground once more.

People are pouring out of the precinct. Aelin spies Cheif Maeve at the front of them, ordering people out of the building. Red and blue lights reflect off the smoke, and she knows that ambulances must be on their way.

Rowan is lying beside her. She hadn't noticed the rips in the back of his suit jacket at first, but there were long gouges in the material, and smoke wafted off a couple of scorch marks. The fact he'd thrown himself over her body and shielded her from the explosion was only starting to register when something warm squeezed her hand.

Are you okay? Green eyes were scouring her body for wounds.

I'm fine, Aelin assures him. She's more concerned about the spots on the back of his suit growing wet as he bled.

"Someone blew up my car," Fenrys is gaping at the spot where his vintage ride used to be. All that remained was a roughed-up frame that was lit ablaze like a campfire.

"Gods," Aelin breathed out, the ringing in her ears dying down. "I almost died."

Rowan hadn't let go of her hand and made no move to do so as his eyes fixed on the burning car. "That was meant for us."

He didn't have to elaborate for Aelin to understand. Whoever had placed the bomb hadn't been targeting her, but Rowan and Fenrys. They arrived and left work together. The bomb wasn't there when they got to the precinct this morning, so someone must have placed it while they were inside.

"What have we gotten ourselves into?" Fenrys runs a dirty hand through his hair.

Sirens wailed as paramedics filed into the parking lot. Other detectives and officers were starting to approach them. Firefighters approached the car with extinguishers and began to tame the burning fire.

Aelin didn't have an answer. Just the sinking feeling that the game they'd entered into had more players than she'd thought.

Here is part one of the mass updates! Thank you SO much for reading. I’ve gotten so much feedback and love on this fic it’s been so wonderful 💚

I do have an ✨IMPORTANT QUESTION✨

Would you all prefer I have tag lists specific to certain fics or an overall tag list for ships? So one tag list for all of my rowaelin fics, one for all my quinlar fics, or would you like me to keep it as I have been? Please let me know! ✨

Tag list- Let me know if you would like to be added or removed. :D ( names in bold won’t tag)

@thisismylibrary

@highladywhitethrone

@bee55

@royalsqueeze

@rowaelin-cressworth

@booknerdproblems

@sjmships

@ladyfireheart-and-buzzard

@wordsxstars

@rowaelinismyotp

@courtofjurdan

@emmiesbook

@killian-me-slowly

@miserablemusings

@aelinchocolatelover

@booksbqueen

@flamingveritas

@tomtenadia

@fromthelibraryofemilyj

@loudphantomdragon

@in-love-with-caramel-macchiato

@superspiritfestival

@swankii-art-teacher

@charlizeed

@nish247

@vasudharaghavan

@maybekindasortaace

@mariamuses

@frosted-crackers

@foughtconquered

@live-the-fangirl-life

@ghostlyrose2

#coffeeshopau #rowaelin #throne of glass #angst #aelin #fanfic #rowan whitethorn

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lunakissedd · 3 years

Text

☆彡🌸 Winter’s Sun 🌸 ☆彡

Tags: fluff, romance, angst, fem!reader, rude + posessive kageyama, highschool, friends to lovers, hurt/comfort, kageyama is bad at feelings.

Words: 1.7k

Kageyama’s POV

God what is actually wrong with me, I couldn’t continue staring at her glazed eyes. I just felt too guilty and too sad to actually let her feel that way. I thought for a moment if I really did love her, or if I was posing as someone who was desperate for love. I wasn’t desperate right? She made me feel things no one else did, she could tell when I was upset and would gently tug at my hand on our walk home, I could tell she used to stare at me from the corner of her eyes watching me, sometimes would even wait purposely on certain parts of the hallway she knew I would eventually walk past. I was okay with being alone, in fact I would even say I was perfect being alone so much to the point I didn’t realize how much I was missing, or what I never felt so deeply for anyone else ever before. It’s not like I didn’t like girls and have little crushes here and there, I just didn’t see the point in talking to them if they didn’t even look my way. But you, argh. You were just like everything that I was not expecting, your bright warm smile in front of me every time we talked, I couldn’t help but feel feverish almost by the way your lips turned into the sweetest smile, it almost made me so desperate to the point where I wanted to see that smile everyday and call me selfish but I wanted to be the reason why you were smiling.

I wanted to meet you outside of the school, drowsy from the long day and just knowing that I just had the chance to see you, I was helpless and you were every reason for it. My mind just captivated and enamored by your voice and face, truly I do think that my heart ached every time I watched you go down the street alone. I didn’t want to leave your side, especially in such an empty street, not in this place or this time. So in a sense, I made sure that I watched until you safely entered your home. I know you probably noticed me watching until you entered your home, but I couldn’t leave knowing you weren’t safe and sound, I wanted to protect you.

The morning of my birthday when I woke up to my phone continuously buzzing, to be honest too drained in sleep and tired to realize what was going on, my heart just sank a little when I saw all the messages you had sent me. Pictures of us together, or random food drinks we got here and there. I hadn’t noticed how long we have known each other, but it just made me grow and an even softer spot for you for remembering all these memories, now I think they were really engraved in my heart. The sweetest “Happy Birthday” I have ever heard. When you called me I didn’t know what to do, for a moment I didn't’ realize the phone was rigging.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! AWW YOU’RE SO BIG NOW!! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO FINALLY BE MY AGE”

I chuckled at your words, I wasn’t much bigger I think I was just the exact same height. I didn’t hide the smile that grew on my face because of your words, “Thank you.”

I knew you were smiling on the other end as well, I think I got used to your words and I knew when you were feeling what you were feeling. I didn’t mean to interrupt you while you explained all the things you had planned, but I admit I was letting my feelings do all the talking with no hesitation.

“I��m really happy I met you..” You quickly became silent, and I almost got worried when I didn’t hear a response.

“I’m happy I met you too, Tobio.” I did blush every time you said my name. Every. Single. Time. Many people said my name, but it was the way it sounded when you said it that made me the weakest, now that I think about it I kinda wished you said it more.

When I met you that afternoon I did almost have a heart attack at how beautiful you looked in that dress. I didn’t know you had those curves (lmfao y’all). No, but a part of me felt so soft inside just knowing that you wore this all for me. God what you could do to me with such simple things, at this point I was really thinking I would become your servant if you had asked me to. But it wasn’t the gifts, the kisses, or the many many birthday wishes that stayed with me the most that day. No. It was the words you said to me when you looked at me with your warm colored eyes, soft in nature and kind just like your soul, I had to hold in just how I was feeling.

“I love you.” You said quietly and all I could do was blink. Maybe I was too mesmerized by your beauty, the way your hair fell so perfectly on your face. You smile looking for a reaction but I, too dumb-founded to even think about what just happened let alone what you said to me. Without even thinking about it, you take my hands in yours, fumbling with my fingers just like how you did every time you were nervous about something, I guess you were nervous about this?

“Yes Kageyama, you are that easy to love.” Fuck. Shit.

I had to break away from your stare or I will literally melt away right here in front of you. I couldn’t even let the first words sink in, and now this just hit such a soft spot in my heart, I wouldn’t lie I didn’t even know that spot existed until you, how did you do it? God, no I shouldn’t think like this..Wait no I should answer you. Did I feel the same way? No of course I did.. boke.

“Mhmp..Are you sure?” I couldn’t look back into your eyes, despite how beautiful they were and how desperate I was to see you I couldn’t find it in me to even stand still.

Your hand is touched by your cheek in a soft and gentle form. “Of course I do, I love you, I love you so much..” God, why is this so hard to take? It isn’t like I don’t believe I really do but ..

I could feel you quietly wishing for the same response as you patiently waited, eyeing me closely just like how you always did when you got too nervous and couldn’t figure out my face.

“I-I love you..I do as well .. love you..” Your hands fell to grab your own in a tight tug.

“Sorry.. I don’t know how to take things very well. I’m sorry I’m not more honest..” “No. No.. I love you just the same, don’t worry it’s okay. it’s okay..I don’t expect you to always be vulnerable..” Wow you really did mean that? I didn’t even know how to react. “I’ll always love you..” you said gently, I smiled, knowing just inside that I felt the same way. “Me too... I’ll always love you, I will never stop, I won’t I promise..” So why was it that now I was looking straight at you, hands clutched quietly by my sides, while you stared at me, tears in the brim on your eyes, and clearly holding back a sob. “I don’t-I don’t think I love you. I’ve been confused..and I don’t know how else to put it..into the right words.” I don’t know why I said this, but I just did. I was truly so upset, so hurt, I just felt betrayed by everything. “When you first talked to me, I knew...I knew for some time that I would be okay with you, that there wasn’t any harm. It felt good to believe this...” It was hard to put everything into words, especially when you were standing in front of me with the saddest eyes I had ever seen.“I think knowing that you kept so much information from me... It just..it just isn’t okay. I-I really can’t explain..I just.. I can’t love the sister of someone..I can’t love you. I can’t love you y/n because I will never be happy knowing that you two are related.” A small gasp came from your lips when I said that, I expect you to fight against me, to tell me that I was in the wrong and that I was looking at things in the wrong way. But you didn’t, you broke off your stare and looked sideways, hiding the tears falling on your cheeks. “Okay.” Was all you said, you didn’t even stare back at me but I could tell how much this was hurting you. I really did feel bad, to see you cry in front of me broke me apart. “I’m sorry.” I said, hoping you would stare back at me for just a moment. “It’s fine, I should walk myself home.” I nodded, “Okay.” You walked away, not turning or facing back to me, but walking forward without another word or glance. Stupidly enough, I stood there for a few seconds watching you walk away, probably more out of habit at this point than anything else. I mentally smacked myself for being so dumb, and turned the opposite way, walking towards my home. I told myself that I should forget about it, that in the end you would be better without me. I must have been a burden to you, with all the things I always had going on, all of the issues, emotions, and thoughts you had to carry, I felt guilty knowing what I caused. I tried convincing myself, now that it was over you wouldn’t need to worry about me, I wasn’t going to be a burden to you anymore. I tried and I tried to think of it this way, but every time I did I only became more upset and sad at what I had really lost.

— Chapter Navigation 🌸 — A/N: Wooo this made me really hurt :(( I do love the little dynamic that they have together though ahhh it’s so cute but tobio why are you such a little sussy baka 😠 Also apologies if there are any gramma mistakes!! I tried proof-reading it as best as possible

#kageyama #kageyama tobio #kageyama angst #possessive kageyama #kageyama fluff #tobio kageyama #kageyama x reader #kageyama x fem reader #hq angst #hq tobio #hq imagines #hq anime #haikyuu angst #angst

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sunnywritesstuff34 · 3 years

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Illusions

(Yayyyy. Another one. It’s been a while, sorry. just wanna preface this by saying that like... I usually don’t really give a shit about Obito, but I figured this was a natural progression of the story and I kinda wanted to try and dive into Obito’s psyche a little so. here we go. tell me what you think. @ghostjellyfishheart here’s the next chapter lol. pls mind the tw’s)

TW and CW for: MAJOR UNREALITY, seriously stay safe, Obito is kinda spiraling a lot, grieving, struggling with morality, drinking, alcohol, less then stellar coping mechanisms of all kinds, don’t do this kids, child death, ghost child, dead kid, you don’t like... see her die but Rin is very much not alive, references to suicide, implied suicide, the uchiha massacre is its own warning, murder, its bad. its just. its just bad. did I mention unreality? a lot of that, death of a family member, obito is having a hard time with feelings, probably dis@ssociation, pretentious symbolism, scratch that, definitely dis@ssociation

Obito Uchiha is upset.

And that is, frankly, ridiculous. Obito does not get upset. What does upset even mean? Is he sad? Mourning, perhaps? Or is he just worried? Either way, its borderline impossible. He shouldn’t be feeling anything. Obito doesn’t feel anything. Sure, he plays at it, when he’s Tobi. He feigns and pretends, he’s good at that. That is what he is, that is all he is. To Itachi, he is Madara. To Konan and Nagito, he is Obito. To everyone else, he is Tobi. Obito has taken on mask after mask after mask on in his life, both figuratively and literally. Sometimes he doesn't know where Obito ends and another begins. Obito does not feel anything, not for anyone that isn't Rin. Never for anyone that isn't Rin, and he left her behind a long time ago. And yet this boy, this child, has him reeling somehow. Has him… well, like before, the only word he can use is upset. He is rattled. And it has been so long, so long since he’s felt anything at all, that he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to fix it. He kept seeing Sasuke in his head, kept remembering memories from years ago when he thought about the kid being gone forever. He remembered the first few years Itachi brought Sasuke to the compound, he remembered spontaneously discovering his obsession with tomatoes by accident with Kisame (who would not stop laughing. He had just never seen anybody. Put an entire tomato in their mouth. And Sasuke did it like it was the most natural thing in the world! Kisame wouldn't shut up about it for at least a week). He remembered helping the boy train with his newly forged chokuto, he remembered the grim determination towards his family and how much it reminded Obito of himself, he remembered all of it. And none of that should have mattered, because it wasn't real. None of it was real, the next world would be. The next world with Rin and Kakashi and Minato-sensei still alive, a world without… without Sasuke. Or any of the other Akatsuki. And that was what he wanted. He was sure that was what he wanted. Only in his room could he show the weakness tightly coiled in his stomach. But there was a knock on his door and it made him straighten up, instantly putting the mask that he just took off back on his face. He walked to the door and opened it, only to find the older Uchiha brother staring back at him. Obito blinked.

“Itachi-san. What are you… what are you doing here? I- uh… come in.” Obito and Itachi sat down at the small table in Obito’s room and stared at each other awkwardly. “So… how can I help you?” Obito tried to ask, unsure of whether to say it like Tobi or just let his guard down and talk like himself (whoever that was). Itachi cleared his throat.

“You are the only person in this godforsaken place that has sake that's worth a damn,” Itachi explained calmly. He looked away. “It has… been a long week.” Obito could tell the truth in that statement just from his cousin’s voice. Itachi sounded exhausted, and the perpetual mask of indifference had begun to slip when his little brother went missing. The two of them looked at each other and came to an understanding. For the next few minutes, there was no talking. Obito grabbed some glasses and poured his strongest sake out for the both of them, and they drank in silence. They only actually picked up a conversation once they were both drunk enough for the awkwardness to melt away.

“He’s likely not dead,” Obito commented bluntly. Itachi only sighed.

“If he is, I have no idea what I'd do,” Itachi grumbled casually, like it was an ordinary thing to say. “Certainly wouldn't stick around here. Probably follow in Shisui’s footsteps.” Obito only nodded, knowing better than to pry on that particular bit of insight into Itachi’s life. They were silent for a few more minutes before Obito spoke again.

“The massacre,” Obito started. “I was long gone by the time it happened. What… are you and Sasuke really the only survivors as the rumors say?” Itachi nodded, throwing back another glass. Obito thought about that bitterly, about his grandmother who wouldn't have been spared. Itachi sighed.

“Right. I've never really talked about this with anyone, and Sasuke and I don't speak about it much. You know how sharingan awakening works, yes?” Obito nodded, mind involuntarily flashing to his own experience.

“Well I made some genuine friends on my genin team. It was the first time I ever had any friends.” Obito closed his eyes and took another sip. Friends, sharingan awakening. Being crushed under a boulder with your crying teammates looming over you. Thinking, no, don't cry, it doesn't hurt. It really doesn't hurt. I can't feel anything, please don't cry. Watching a particular white haired individual (a traitor, that traitor) desperately try to save you. Losing a part of yourself, a part of yourself you didn't even know you had, and giving it to someone else. Forever living with that, knowing that your other eye is somewhere, because you can still feel it, but not knowing much else. The aching absence that grows from that. He opened his eyes again. “I watched them die, right in front of my eyes. That awakened my Sharingan, and when I went home, my father congratulated me. He congratulated me. It was a nightmare and he was proud. I don't know, that always stuck with me. But anyway,” Itachi paused to drink more sake as the room spun. “Sasuke’s eyes woke during the massacre. I didn't get there in time. He watched our parents die, managed to hide in the closet and keep quiet the whole time so they didn't find him. I got there in time to stop them from killing him, and realized his sharingan had awakened because of everything. I wasn't able to save anyone, but I was able to save him, and that's all that matters.”

“I understand,” Obito replied evenly. “I know what it's like to be too late.”

Itachi’s eyes slid over to him. “Yeah well… whatever. The Uchiha had been planning a coup for a while. Danzo, he gave me a choice. Either kill everyone myself and have Sasuke be spared to live happily in the village. Or, to let them kill everyone, Sasuke included. I didn't… I refused either option and tried to get there but I was too late. They killed everyone in one night, a bunch of Anbu who were deployed for the massacre. Like I said, Sasuke managed to hide. I knew that Danzo would be after us, so I grabbed Sasuke and we got the hell out of dodge. He didn't speak for months afterwards. Not a single word, other than screaming during his nightmares. It was probably a little selfish, but I… I missed him. There was no more ‘Itachi, look at the score I got at the academy!’ or ‘Itachi look, look I learned a new move!’ There was just… nothing. He was so vacant. If he's dead- if he’s dead after everything we’ve been through, I don't- I have no idea what I'll do. We have to find him, and we have to kill the people who took him away from us. We have to.” I know, he wanted to shout. I know, I feel the same way, but I don't know why! Itachi left not long after that, stumbled back to his room, and Obito fell asleep in his armchair. That night he had a dream, a dream of Rin. it had been years since he dreamed of her, usually they were memories and bits and pieces, but this was different. He opened his eyes in his dream to a dark plane filled with ink, darkness stretching in every direction. It was a frequent setting he found himself in, usually the dream would be about him sinking into the oily substance until he couldn't breath. But this time it was low enough to wade in, his feet touching the ground, whatever that was. In the middle of the expanse, there was a bone white skeleton of some creature he didn't recognize, and Rin. He staggered towards her, and she hugged him without a word. In dreams like this he was always covered in blood, the Obito from years past. But now he was just him, and he was maskless.

“Just what have you gotten yourself into now, Obito?” she asked, and it sounded just like her. It wasn't her, he was fairly sure of that, he was dreaming for god’s sake, but it sounded like her. It seemed like her, and that was enough. “It's okay to be worried about the kid,” she said, running fingers through his hair while he tried to calm his breathing.

“It's not real,” he managed hoarsely. “None of it. Nothing in this world is real, I shouldn't feel anything. So why… Why do I…”

“Does it matter if it's real?” she asked. “It feels real. Maybe it is, Obito.”

“Obito is dead,” he whispered. “At least the one you knew- Obito doesn't exist anymore.” Rin only shook her head, looking past him at nothing at all and smiling sadly.

“I don't believe you,” she said evenly. “You're still Obito. No matter how many names you take or how many masks you wear, I know who you are. And I think you do too.”

“It's not real,” he tried again, weakly.

“If it's not real, then why do you help Konan with the dishes? If it's not real, then why do you want to save Itachi’s brother so badly? Why do you make plans for Nagato’s dream in the supposed next world when you don't have to? Why do you stick around Deidara to make sure he doesn't get killed? Why do you help Sasori with his puppets? Why, Obito?”

“I can't be Obito,” he muttered quietly. “He’s dead. He died with you.”

“He is right here. He is sitting here with me. You're still you. You'll always be you.”

“B-But…. But Madara-”

“Madara is dead,” she said with finality, shaking her head. “Madara is a dead man now. You are the only thing that can bring him back, and you have a choice.”

“I've never had a choice.”

“You do now. Madara isn't here.”

“This is all just an illusion.” She smiled sadly.

“I'm an illusion, Obito. Your world is not.”

His dream didn't fade out from there. One second he was sitting in a dark dreamscape with his dead friend, and the next he was in the Akatsuki lair, laying in an armchair, sitting up and gasping for breath. His back hurt and his neck was aching from the weird position he dozed off in, and Obito could already feel the nausea of an inevitable hangover coming on. Still, he sat up properly, stretching his neck and running a hand through his short hair. Itachi was probably passed out in his room or throwing up already, and Obito had a hunch that he’d be feeling the same way pretty soon. He looked down at the floor and forced his eyes to focus. He didn't have time for a drunken hallucination within a drunken hallucination. But when he turned his head, he felt himself recoil and raise his hands to his face. The orange plastic from the ground winked back at him. Obito had taken his mask off. And now it was cracked.

#yeahhhh #lol anyway #was this short?#maybe #Obito knew most of those details about the massacre #obito #obito uchiha #uchiha massacre #akatsuki #kisame #Sasuke Uchiha #itachi uchiha #uchiha itachi #naruto #naruto fanfiction #naruto fanfic #naruto au #unreality tw #madara uchiha

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wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i · 2 years

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Dobry wieczór!

Today's soundbyte says: Cześć! Jestem z Ameryki. Mój ojciec jest zambijski. Moja mama jest Niemką, Włoszką i rodowitą Amerykanką. Ja mieszany. Mowie po angielsku i uczę się mówić po polsku. Miło mi poznać! Do widzenia!

I'll be honest. I struggled with every single word in this video today. You can even hear it in my goodbye 😂 I hated every second of this simply because no syllable would come out right. It might be because I still have a sore throat from being a bit sick the last few days.

Since I've been feeling a bit better, I decided to get out of bed and do some extra studying for Polish today.

Here's what I did:

1. Duolingo, of course. I try to do this in the morning, but I slept in until well after noon today so I just did this as soon as I woke up.

2. Took notes from the Teach Yourself Polish book. I'm on unit 2 now, but I'm going to continue to work on memorizing everything from unit 1. I want to make sure I can recognize and say every word I was taught. Today, I learned how to go into detail about myself and share where I am from and what my nationality is.

In this book, they only share the Polish words for European countries (and Australia, Canada and the US) 😃 since apparently the Asian, South American and African continents didn't exist in 1994 when this book was published. I had to Google the word for Zambia.

Though I know my nationality is different from my ethnicity, I wanted to practice saying the different words anyway. I was hoping that when I was explaining that I am mixed, I didn't accidentally use some sort of informal slur. Unfortunately, I might have? It feels a bit like a slur.

Interestingly enough, I looked into the polish words for mixed and had a really good laugh when I realized the not only does the word for biracial mean, of course, biracial, it can also mean promiscous and crossbreed. So, um. Yeah. I'm not sure if that's what people actually say there, but I likely won't be referring to myself as a crossbreed on purpose if I ever get the chance to use Polish. I'd rather just say I am white and black. The other word I found is actually unfortunately even more of a slur.

There's a whole history behind it in the US, but it's also very much tied to Europe (I've met Europeans who get upset at the mere idea that a word they use could be racist, and claim I'm just pushing American issues onto them---as if the US isn't quite literally made up of European (and others, of course) descendants who passed this cultural lingo down through the generations and these culture issues faced the African diaspora today aren't absolutely faced around the world, including in Poland.)

The other word was mulatka, which means mulatto. I generally don't use this word, and neither do most Americans. But it is a word that was historically used to refer to mixed race children of African and European lineage. It is generally considered offensive, though some mixed race people have taken it back, such as American born rapper Latto (formerly known as Miss Mulatto). Fun fact: She grew up in the same town as I lived in during middle school around the same time as me, and had quite literally the same experiences as me 😃 She didn't go to my school, but hers was not far from mine.

Anyway, finding out this low-key offensive terminology to describe myself actually led me to an interesting article about black lives in Poland.

It was really eye opening for me, as I had no clue about this issue in Poland. I, unfortunately, wasn't surprised. Not because I think Poland is racist, but more so because I know that anti-blackness thrives everywhere on this earth. It's next to impossible to escape.

I also found this article because I read something similar to the above article when reading about police brutality and mistreatment toward black Germans a few months ago and was interested.

Interesting enough, my mother met a Polish woman and her husband at work today and had a conversation about Poland. Somehow the conversation got to be about race, and the Polish woman insisted that wasn't an issue in Poland at all. No one cares about that.

My mom told me that after they left, someone she works with who grew up in Poland and is a person of color said that woman was a liar. Racism is awful there.

Obviously I have no idea, as I am merely an American with a months worth of knowledge about Poland and it's culture. But I will say that I do know a few things about Europe, from personal experience as well as from friends, and this doesn't sound totally far from what might be true given what I've learned about Belgium (a friend got called the N word multiple times a day and that's the nicest thing she heard), France (follow a mixed race family who has shared her daughter's experience being told she couldn't play with a few little girls by the children bc she was an ugly monkey), England (Literally just look up any article about Meghan Markle and her son), Germany (Police bias, for one thing), Russia (A great example is their routine use of blackface in their performances despite international outcry), Romania (a few friends of mine were called the N word multiple times while a group of teenage boys laughed and pointed at them despite being asked to stop and then lied to the hostel owner about not knowing what the word meant), the list goes on.

Anyway, all of the articles I found made me viscerally upset. So, I tried to just save everything to read in pieces when I'm in a better mindset to take the level of racism I was seeing.

Here are a few of the articles I found

Blackface in elementary schools

Racism toward Black and Roma people in elementary schools

People of color fleeing Ukraine being attacked by Polish nationalists

The first one upset me most, but is something I know isn't central to just Poland. The Netherlands, if I remember correctly, also celebrates a holiday that includes Blackface (look up Black Pete), as well as Russia, who regularly engaged in blackface in their ballets at the Mariinksy theatre (which is state funded).

I've gotten into arguments about why blackface is offensive in the past, and definitely dogpiled on in YouTube comments for defending someone who pointed out the hurtful past of this practice.

People argued that it was an American problem, but spreading stereotypes is still spreading stereotypes and it is always harmful to those that are being stereotyped.

Anyway, I decided that I wanted to look into more cheerful things for now because that really, really disturbed me.

5. I researched the Polish National Ballet 🩰🦢🇵🇱!

The Polish National Ballet has a very interesting history, as written above. However, I was most interested in learning about the ballerinas and ballerinos associated with Poland. I learned about two ballet masters, Helena Cholewicka, who was considered a polish prima ballerina assoluta, which at the time was the most important title for any ballerina/o and she kept it for a little over a decade, and Aleksander Roman Turczynowicz, who was a ballet master and is the namesake of the Polish National Ballet School.

Here's what I learned about Helena Cholewicka:

🦢 She studied under the guidance of the Italian dancer Maria Taglioni (1804-1884), who at that time was the leader of European ballet stages.

🦢She was the first in the history of Polish ballet to receive the title of "prima ballerina assoluta"

🦢She was not considered a pretty dancer. She was considered frail with a slight build and and "unattractive exterior." Interestingly enough, Anna Pavlova was also considered an ugly dancer. Now, she is one of the most celebrated ballerinas in Russia. It's almost like the perfect ballet body is a social construct. Astounding.

Here's what I learned about Aleksander Roman Turczynowicz:

🦢 He was born on January 24, 1813 in Radom, Poland as Aleksander Roman. When he was nine, he was transferred to the Warsaw dance school at the then National Theater at Krasiński Square.

🦢 By age 20, he had already had such an illustrious career as a dancer, he was offered the position as a teacher at the Warsaw school to teach the youngest dancers.

🦢 During Russian partition and the long-term domination of Italian ballet masters in the Grand Theater, his many achievements in creation of romantic era ballets and productions were destroyed. Today, the memory of his work only exists in books. This is why the Polish National Ballet School is named after him, and why he is celebrated every year in his birthday at the school.

6. I learned about another Polish connection to the US: Little Poland in New York City 🏙️🇵🇱! You might think the above picture is from Poland, but nope! That, my friend, is in New York City.

Things I learned about Little Poland:

🇵🇱Little Poland is situated in Greenpoint, New York City, New York. This is in Northern Brooklyn (me!), just north of Williamsburg.

🇵🇱 It is home to the second largest concentration of Polish immigrants in the United States after Chicago. At the turn of the century, Polish immigrants began settling in the US. After the cold war, however, they came here in droves, only slowing down in about 2004 when Poland joined the EU. The majority of polish immigrants settled in Brooklyn (meeeee!!), New York. The rest settled in other places, like Chicago.

🇵🇱Polish is the 11th most spoken language in New York, and it's spoken by .73% of the population. However, in Little Poland, you can find signs in both Polish and English, as well as magazine stands and other things written in Polish. You can also hear lots of conversations spoken in Polish.

7. Learned about Polish American contributions to the United States and Other fun Polish American facts. (For example, Polish American heritage month is celebrated in October.)

Other than Marie Curie and Chopin (who didn't really contribute to the US that I know of, but did obviously contribute greatly to classical music), I found a lot of actors and actresses if Polish descent, like Jared Padalecki (kinda knew this one but still cool to confirm), Pat Benatar (had no idea she was of polish descent!), Nicholas Cage, JoJo (she has Polish, Irish and French ancestry), Zac Efron (Polish grandparents! He's also Jewish!), and Kat Graham from The Vampire Diaries! (she has Russian and Polish grandparents. Her maternal and paternal grandparents were both refugees, due to the Holocaust on the maternal side and from Liberia on her father's side)

I was thoroughly surprised by some of these people being of Polish descent, especially Zac Efron and Pat Benatar, who is actually from Greenpoint, New York.

That's it!

Goals for tomorrow:

🩰Make flashcards

🩰Do another worksheet excercise

🩰Find more Polish worksheet exercises

🩰Learn about Little Poland in Connecticut and Chicago.

🩰Get the ingredients to make a smaczny Polish meal.

Notes:

Learning about racism in Poland was thoroughly disheartening. Especially when I read a few Twitter comments about people's thoughts on the matter. I got really upset knowing some of these things, but I was unfortunately not surprised. It does make me appreciate Atlanta though, and reminds me that with all the issues America has with race problems, we are a lot farther ahead in tackling those problems and having important conversations about them, which I think we deserve to give ourselves a lot more credit for.

I loved learning about Little Poland, and found it cute that a little more of Poland is a part of me in some way, even if it is just a place in my namesake city. I love connecting with other cultures in very personal ways, and I think this is a nice way to connect with a culture that I deeply appreciate but isn't one of mine.

I unfortunately had trouble finding any full ballets put on by the Polish National Ballet, but I'll try looking again in the future since I didn't devote a lot of time to this.

Poland is such an interesting and pretty country that has its downsides just like my own country does. I love learning more about it's history outside of what I already knew due to my history major (English lit and history).

I want to read more about Polish national dress. I really want to get my own authentic drindl since my family is from Germany. The similarities between Polish national dress and German national dress(es) is very interesting, and it something I'd love to explore further.

Dobranoc!

#brookspolishpractice

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queenjunoking · 4 years

Text

Wolf Taming Pt 14

CW: Noncon - Shock Collar - Pain - Petplay - Drugs - Kidnapping - Manipulation

I sat there for a while and enjoyed petting Sasha, her hair was quite soft. The drug would last 24 hours. I was upset at having to sacrifice my fun time, but Sasha’s body required time to recover. I didn’t want to cause permanent damage or too much mental stress at a time. I couldn’t help but feel a little happy. Her run on the treadmill had been quite the show. So fun to watch her react to all the new information.

It was getting late at this point, I wanted to go to bed but I had one thing left to do. I doubt Sasha understood the complexities of her collar, but infinite energy doesn't exist. The shock that knocked her out left the battery with little power inside. It was just enough to give her little reminders if she stood. I was hoping it would keep her in line if it did. If it didn't… well the collar was out of power. I couldn't shock her right now unless I got another implement to punish her and I was trying very hard to leave out other punishment implements. Well, for the moment at least. I wanted the collar to inform her when she was wrong. I felt if I were to go grab a cattle prod and jab her with it, the experience might harm our relationship a little.

I knelt next to her and began the unlocking process. It was complicated by design. It would be bad if it could just simply be unlocked with the push of a button, that’s how you get a pet to potentially lash out in an attempt to force you to do it. It took a long list of codes, passwords, questions and a fingerprint to unlock it. It would make sure the wearer couldn’t get out on their own. After a few minutes I heard some parts of the collar make some whirling sounds and the seamless collar suddenly popped open.

I’d be lying if I said removing it didn’t make me a little nervous. Sure, it was dead so it wouldn’t help me. Maybe she was drugged. But everything always had the potential to go wrong. Locking the cage behind me might have been a bit much, but repetition was important. If it was routine then there was a smaller chance of ever making a mistake.

I placed the collar on it’s little pedestal, it charged wirelessly to make the collar as seamless as possible. It would take a few hours to charge, she’d still be out by the time it was back on. To her the collar would never unlock and it just kept going somehow. I’m sure she’d catch on eventually but it didn’t really matter.

The gym had been fun but I had admittedly lost my temper a little and needed to decide where to go from here. I had decorated Sasha’s cage with new things and based on how she cried when she hugged one I assume she appreciated it. But I was being pulled in different directions. I needed to be gentle, she was in a very fragile place right now. If I pushed too hard I might lose her. But she said she wanted to be my wolf. I so badly wanted to take out the special gear I had been waiting to use.

It was an unfair conundrum. Why can’t I have both? The fact I needed to choose a path just showed how unfair the world was sometimes. What could I even do to make this place nicer for her? I’ve given her so many nice things. I couldn’t let her roam. I had filled her cage with the nicest toys I bought for her. What else could someone possibly want? What else could I provide? She was forcing my hand to give her nicer things and I didn’t like that.

I went back to the cage and sat beside Sasha. I found myself admiring her as I always did. I decided she would be mine the moment I saw her. It was still a little hard to believe how easy it was. It was a simple system I just needed to fill out some paperwork to claim her temporarily so no one else could hire anyone to try and catch her for a week, then just hire a team to get her.

I didn’t really understand why she was so upset, I freed her from all those responsibilities. So burned out yet so ungrateful to get such an easy life. Warm house, fun toys, a nice place to sleep, a place to run around and she’ll get good food eventually. What more could she even want? I was doing so much to make her happy and she wasn’t appreciating any of it.

I hadn’t really had much of a chance to be this close to Sasha since she got here. I had gotten into a long argument with the team I had hired. They were upset that she had injured several of them while they were catching her. They were a bunch of babies, injury is always a risk and it was insulting for them to want payment for it. But I gave them a bonus so they’d leave me alone. It unfortunately heavily cut into the time I had to set up before Sasha woke up.

I looked over my prize wolf, snoozing without a care. Unfortunately Sasha missed out on that shower because of her attitude. But I wasn't going to let her stay sweaty and dirty just because she hadn't earned a shower. I was a good owner, I wasn’t going to let her stay dirty. I brought out the stretcher and brought her out of the cage and gave her a quick bath, taking special care to keep her hair soft and shiny. It was hard for my hands not to wander a bit though. Last time she was drugged she was paralyzed and her mind was fogged a bit. Now she was completely out. Stroking my fingertips over her abs was quite the sensation. Even in her drug induced slumber she let out a soft moan when her nipples were touched. I could go much further, but I was purposefully waiting to go further.

I spent a while brushing her hair and thinking about what to do. I had so many fun toys I wanted to lock her in, several she was begging to be in when she said she wanted to be my wolf. But I needed to offset today, I was too hard on her for something that shouldn’t have bothered me as much as it did. My friends had tried to dissuade me from most of what I was doing. From buying most of what I did. They didn’t think Sasha was worth it. It’s not like they could understand. I used the last of my start up money buying everything in the wolves den and paying the group to get Sasha. As I sat there and brushed her hair, I knew every penny was worth it.

The people I knew were flippers mostly. They had their own personal attendants and toys, but they mostly did the capturing themselves in order to train and resell for an obscene profit to those who couldn’t be bothered to train someone them self. They didn’t care about the people they took, they were just a source of cash. But that wasn’t me. I didn’t want to do that. This is what I wanted.

I heard a beep in the other room and sighed. The collar was done charging and I needed to put her back in the cage. It would hopefully be a few days before I would need to do this again. Though I was a bit worried about needing to drug her every few days just to charge her collar. I would need to look into what side effects could happen.

I picked up the collar and brought it back to Sasha. I gentle moved her hair out of the way and wrapped the collar around her neck. There was a soft click followed by a soft whirling sound as the internal pieces locked together. I watched as the seam in the collar appeared to vanish, turning it back into what Sasha probably assumed was a permanent, irremovable collar. I rolled her back into her cage and managed to get her back into her new bed. I propped a pillow under her head and placed her new bear in the bed with her. She looked so sweet when she was sleeping. I spent a bit too long just watching her before my phone beeped. It was on low battery, always another danger. If my phone was dead I couldn’t control the collar. I realized I had been watching for far too long and really needed to rest.

I checked that the cage was locked, flipped off the lights and went back upstairs. I had decided on my plans for the next day. A balanced plan if Sasha worked with me. A risky plan no matter what mood she was in. She couldn’t help but think of what her friend told her. She thought about it a lot.

“You want something far bigger and stronger than you. You have to always be on your guard and always in control. You have to come out of every interaction on top and intact for as long as you own her. But your wolf only has to be lucky once.” It was her friend’s last attempt to get me to sell her Sasha.

I set my alarm and the camera sensors before I got into bed. It was a good thing I did, I passed out the moment my head hit the pillow. It was a good thing I set the camera sensors as well, that’s what woke me up. It had only been eight hours and Sasha was waking up.

I was a tad upset to put it lightly and needed to bolt out of bed to get ready for the day. That drug was supposed to keep her knocked out for a full 24 hours. It was made to enforce rests. I wanted to play today but she was supposed to be asleep all day to heal. Either the dose was defective or they didn’t make it correctly for the size I gave them. Either way the rest day was gone for both of us. I wanted to make more preparations for what I was going to do. To be sure everything was safe. But I couldn’t just leave her like that right now. She needed food and water and we needed an activity to keep her mind going.

I was about to make her breakfast, when a thought crossed my mind and I put everything away. I wouldn’t be needing anything for her right now. I made myself a light breakfast and some coffee while I watched Sasha for a bit as she was getting antsy. She was probably hungry. Probably needed the bathroom. Yet unwilling to use what was in the cage with her. I had hoped we’d be over this after last night, but that just meant today was going to be more fun.

I went down to the wolf’s den when she started getting very fidgety. Unfortunately she didn’t want to play with her new toys so she had no idea what to do with herself. Her head shot up when I opened the door. She kept a steady gaze on me as I walked up to the cage. Perfect, she was neither aggressive nor was she afraid of me right now. This was the perfect space to work in.

“Good morning Sasha. Would you like to go outside today?”

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bringontheemos · 4 years

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Chapter 2 of Itachi x OC Yuri

Yuri's POV

I woke up early the next morning and got dressed for work. I needed to go into the fields today to harvest some of the vegetables that have grown and then afterwards I can grab some more food for my temporary guests.

I tried tiptoeing out of the house but both men caught me before I even reached the door. "Sorry to wake you. I have work but I'll be back later with food. If you're staying until then of course."

"Okay."

I walked to the fields and began working. The field is right behind my house, so I'm lucky I don't have to walk very far, unlike the other workers. They have to walk in all the way from town.

I pulled up my mask and began pulling out weeds and harvesting vegetables.

'See Yuri, everything is going fine so far. Two hours of work and nothing bad has happened!'

"Get out of here!" A rotten tomato flew at me and stained the right side of my face.

"You don't belong here, you monster!" Another person threw something else at me.

"Just die already!" A girl my age threw a rock at my head, right where I hurt it yesterday.

"I-I'm sorry! Please stop it." The rotten food and rocks continued to fly at me, almost all of them hitting me.

"Go away!" An older man yelled so I complied. I ran off as quickly as possible, dropping to the ground when I reached my front door.

"Hey,"

I looked up to see the Itachi guy standing in my garden. "H-hi..." I looked down at the ground and noticed all of the wounds I received today. It was embarrassing for someone else to see me in such a pathetic state. Especially this guest.

"What happened with all of the people?"

"Oh... so you saw that." My bottom lip began quivering uncontrollably. I felt like I would break down at any moment. "The villagers hate me... it's why I live all the way out here."

Itachi stood over me now. I continued to hang my head so I wouldn't have to look into his eyes. "You should wash that off. I can help you put on some bandages after you've done that."

He took me a little by surprise. I didn't think he would be the kind of person it help me with something like that. "Thanks. I appreciate it Mr. Itachi."

"Mm." He walked into the forest to the direction of town. I assume he left so I could bathe.

"Alright. I have to hurry up before they get back- hang on... where's Mr. Kisame?" I couldn't find him anywhere in the house so he must be somewhere else too.

I quickly washed myself off and tried to bandage myself up as best I could. I was having most trouble with the wound on the top of my head. I couldn't see it, so it was difficult to treat.

"I said I would do that for you." Itachi's voice suddenly appeared. I didn't even realize anyone walked into my house.

"Oh well I just thought I could try to do as much as I could by myself. This one is hard for me to wrap though." I pointed to the red spot in my black hair.

Itachi walked over to me and began cleaning my wound for me. I didn't realize how much taller he was than me until now. And... his scent. It's different than anything I've experienced before. I can't put my finger on what it is, but it makes me smile.

"Yuri,"

Dammit! I was too immersed in my thoughts. I didn't know he was talking to me. "Huh?"

"We'll be leaving now."

"Really? I,-" I didn't want to hear that. I didn't know how much I didn't want them to leave until he said that. "Okay. Where's Mr. Kisame?"

"He went out earlier to eat. He should be back shortly."

"Right," I grabbed a basket off my table and began leaving my house again. "I should go too. The villagers are already upset with me so I have to go to the next village over and pick up supplies. I need to go now or it'll be extremely late when I get back." I looked at the stranger one more time and smiled. "Take care of yourselves and tell Mr. Kisame to take care as well."

"Mhm."

I left knowing I probably would never see him again. After all, he was just passing through and they needed a place to stay. When I reached the bottom of the hill, I turned around hoping Itachi would still be a my door step, and he was! He was looking right at me. Kisame walked up next to him and looked over the hill too. I waved to them both then skipped to the next town. It took me four hours to get there, an hour to get everything I needed, and another four hours to get back to my village.

While I was walking the dirt road to get home, I hoped they would still be there. It's nice to have people around who are kind to me. Such a difference from my everyday life.

On top of my hill I noticed a very bright, golden light. I heard the sound of shouts next.

'What's going on?!'

I ran up the hill and found a couple hundred people outside of my burning house yelling out against my existence.

"For the safety of our village, we must slay this beast!" Yelled the village priest.

"Yeah!" Everyone agreed.

Tears were rolling down my cheeks. Everyone I knew and grew up with wanted me dead. "What are you doing?!"

The crowd turned to me and raised their weapons. "Look, there it is! Kill it!"

The ground shook.

"W-what?" I felt helpless. I had no way to defend myself and no useful fighting skills. All I could do is run but even then it won't be much help. They would catch me and some of them have long range weapons.

"We don't need you anymore!" Yelled a man in the front of the group. He pulled out his crossbow and shot an arrow through my left leg.

"AHH!"

"Keep firing!" Next was my right shoulder and left hand.

"Itachi! Save me! Please!"

#anime #writing #fanfic #fantasy #fangirl #itachi #uchiha family #original character #naruto #itach uchiha #yuriuchiha

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theodinsonsonmidgard · 5 years

Text

Hold me Tight 2 - part 2-

Perhaps, as Thor said, it was true that those transparent waters had the power to cleanse your soul and make you think more clearly. Perhaps this is the power the Gods have given to the salt waters of Midgard. Thor and I enjoyed ourselves as I never remembered before. Perhaps only in our earliest childhood days, I remember a joy so pure in being together.

I swam with him, competing in speed with the white-crusted waves: we are young, we are strong, Sons of Odin, and we looked like the creators of Midgard came down to enjoy the beauties of that paradise. Sometimes I watched him swim, while I stopped to wash out the water dripping on my face from my hair. Thor, my wonderful brother. Thor, whom I feared having lost forever. Thor, please don't leave me behind ...

I wonder if I'm still your brother, at your eyes. Somewhere, in our past, a crack has opened up and is chasing us to swallow both of us once and for all. Even now.

It was my fault, Thor, I opened that crack, ... and I'll close it for both, i promise you. But don't let me go this time.

Then I couldn't think more because a dripping blond giant swept me away with a bear hug, and dragged me off with him, with a laugh, over the waves.

Dinner was roast meat of which my brother was very proud. As the air turned purple and the sun went down, I had already made my decision. No regrets. I felt strong, strangely euphoric. I wanted to hug him but I restrained myself. There would be time, i was sure of it.

The fire crackled placidly. The night air, which became almost pungent, didn't disturb me, on the contrary, it cooled my skin a little, and caressed my thoughts. Even the wind had changed its voice, its smell, ...no longer the scent of freedom, but something deeper, earthy, almost visceral. Perhaps due to the volcanic rocks and ungainly bushes of the hills above us. And he was there, beyond that bonfire ... with flaming reflections to sculpt his face, blonder than ever, an open smile.

Thor Odinson.

My brother. Who spoke loudly, who told me stories, who laughed, ...and I listened to him, teased him, laughed with him, while another part of me, secretly, was looking for the guts to put into effect what I had decided earlier.

It had been a wonderful day. The first since Thor brought me back. Perhaps one of the rarest of my whole life. And I didn't want to ruin it with what I was going to do, but I decided to be ready. Or anyway I could try. I wanted to start trusting.

Ours had been a wretched and unhappy family, yet, whether I wanted it or not, I loved Thor. Desperately.

I had given my life for him.

Twice. The word 'brother' in my mind has the bright face of Thor. And I had decided to let him enter in a part of my life so private and hurtful that I've been hiding since years. That I know only myself.

I wanted to start trusting him. Showing him that I had changed, that I could stop protecting myself and flee. Although it would have required a lot of courage, since I should have ...

Thor was laughing at me and the fact that I was staring at the fire dance like an idiot. I roused myself, smiling.

'C'mon, you bastard ...'

"Thor, listen ..." I bit my lip, he noticed it this time, and softened his voice.

"Loki, what is it? Do you have migraine? Do you want us to go home?"

I chuckled to hide the tension: would you face the most terrible of storms, knowing you were naked as a worm? Totally defenseless? Because this was what I was going to do from now on ...

"No, I'm great,... no, listen ..."

'Look at him, Loki ...'

"Do you remember when we fought each other, during all those painful and absurd years? You've always accused me of being too quiet. You told me to keeping you at a distance, to rejecting you. Of never making you enter my thoughts, explain my feels... that I was the worse brother, ... no, wait, please. " I smiled "Please wait ..."

A deep breath. Burning air, cold and salted, rising up the nose, until it invades my chest.

"So I decided that I can do it, a step towards you, brother, and try to break down this wall that keeps us in our pride. And that Surtur may devour me if I'm not trembling to the bone, damn you!"

Silence. Wind and the liquid chant of the sea, black into black.

"Do you remember when ...when I ...I let it go? When I fell down, long time ago, ... when everything was shattered, me for first but nobody cared. Remember when I came back and everything was different, everything changed. Your gang of new pompous friends, Midgard, ... all the rest. I have very confused memories of those days, but I remember well when we met again, between heaven and earth. And we talked, or rather we spit on each one our hatred. I could have told you then, but you had other things on your mind and no intention of listening. Or maybe not, I wouldn't have told you a shit either." I giggled nervously.

I was wearing an half-buttoned old shirt, worn and light, of which I didn't care at all,...dark blue, shiny fabric. I undid the third button.

"I fell into the void, then, ... into nothingness. I wanted... to die, to finally find peace, to appease my pain. Instead I found a worse hell. Perhaps the worstest of all. And I implored death as the sweetest of salvations."

Gods, it's terrible to remember aloud. I can't believe you're next to me, listening all of this. For real.

"He took me. I don't know how he did it, but I found myself crawling at his feet in an alien and terrible world. He was thirsty for power. He had a plan. He wanted everything. He wanted the Gems and crush down the Worlds, and I could be useful to him. But first he had to crush down me."

I undid another shirt's buttonhole.

"I know you never understood much of what's on my mind, Thor, ...but it wasn't your fault. Not always, at least. And this thing ... maybe it was beyond both of us."

I undid the penultimate button.

"There was no more day, no more night. There was only cold, pain and fear. There were many of them. They surrounded me. They laughed at me. Call me names. But his shadow on the moldy marbles was enough to make them disappear, leaving me at his mercy... Did you ever wonder why I hate sudden gestures, or why unexpected noises make me uncomfortable when they don't terrify me? "

Here, the shirt was open.

"Have you ever wondered why I stiffen every time you touch me? ... I was afraid of the whip, but the worst was the fire. The fire was the craziest pain, and ... I lost consciousness. Almost always. That maniac knew how to use the whip well. Where to hit. How to hit. He whispered in my mind, ... no one will ever care about you, little monster, ... nobody wants you, they despise you, spit on your shadow of demon, you're been a burden for everyone, you will always be, but I can give you the power that... if only you... "

I swallowed again. The air started to become cold, too much cold, ...carried with it a vague hint of resin ...

'NO!!'

It has always been like this. Frost magic woke up every time I was upset, or if something infuriated me, and blew ice on everything around me. But it couldn't happen there, ... there, in the sea waves glossy of moonlight, and the holey rocks of the volcanoes.

'Loki, dominate yourself!! Not now, Loki, not here!!'

The blue shirt slid over my shoulders, then I pulled my arms off from sleeves. Here, Thor, ... take a step into my world, ... look at my miserable pain.

"It was ... it was pure hell, Thor. A hell made of blood, pain and fear in which I crawled for I don't know how long. I saw my blood, I felt it on me, it made me sick. Did you ever notice how sickening it is the smell of blood? ... With fire I went crazy. With the blades I saw death in the eyes, and had the purple skin of my killer, that son of a bitch. He wanted me crushed, and he crushed me. He wanted me submitted and I bent. Because I healed. In a hurry. I am a God and he knew it. So the ... horror started again, always. The young Loki, the one who sought death to forget the pain, is gone. He was destroyed by that hell. I ... I don't know what he made me become but I survived by pure animal instinct, I survived the fire, the whip, the blades, the cold and beatings. But I healed more slowly, so he decided I was ready."

I didn't have the guts to look at Thor. I was there, bare-chested, arm in arm with him, and I felt his burning blue eyes on me. It burned like those blades.

Are you pale? Are you speechless? Furious? In tears? I don't want to know now, brother.

"I know what you are seeing. I know them one by one. They heal slowly. Some will never heal. Some intertwine on the shoulders, stretch to the chest. There is also a fire wound, next to it ... the blades instead were biting arms ...here, and here, ..." I barely touched my pale skin "The whip tore the skin from the back. The back is the worst. There are a couple that still hurt,...others no longer exist. Like here, on the eyebrow, or just above the ear..."

Scars. From the shoulders as far as a whip could reach. Or tongues of fire. Or those damn blades.

There was no better way to tell you. Nor a different way. Forgive me, brother...

He had to see them and I had to do it. I realized that if I wanted to recover from all my shit, I had to let go and expose myself.

Running away had only made things worse, it was festering everything.

I need my you to see, Thor. I need to hear your support. I wanted to know that you can be with me, so my recovery will be less painful and I could move on more easily. Will you stand by my side, brother?

So I looked up at him, and saw it.

The raging storm.

Flaming fury in Thor's dark eyes. Ready to lash out at me. I could feel them, those eyes, like a punch in the face. I knew I had hurt him and it devastating me. Now I realized I had broken him and I would have given everything to be able to go back and cancel that insane decision of mine. I wanted to die, and I probably would have died by his hand, because the one in front of me was no longer the chatty, smiling Thor who hugged me and called me "little brother".

He was the God of Thunder in his wildest and most primordial form. Rage and fury. It was pure berserk fury as I had never seen it before.

A terrifying roar shook the night sky and shook the earth beneath the volcanoes with a frightening groan. The air vibrated in my ears with such intensity that forced me to a stifled moan of pain. Then the air was shattered by the furious cry of the God of Thunder, which I had just completely broke with my senseless act. So I was ready to die.

#hold me tight 2 #part 2 #me and my brother #me and thor #odinsons brothers #odinsons on midgard #the odinson on midgard #forgive me brother

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mynarcissticex · 4 years

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This has been one of the most difficult last 5 months of my life.. but I think I am finally ready to put it all to bed for my own sanity.

July 20th 2019… was meant to be the happiest day of my life. The day I moved in with my best friend, soulmate, my person. I wanted to wake up giddy and nervous, excited to be with the man I fought hard for last year . I yearned to be swept off my feet by him and begin a new adventure together I was ready despite keeping my past a secret and having to self protect myself (for my own personal reasons)

But none of that happened how it should of done, Just like thought it probably wouldn't 3 years ago, The man I had fallen in love with at the beginning was not the man I always thought he was, And it has shaken my character to its very core coming to that realisation, The life I so desperately wanted to live with him was never going to exist. Our relationship would not be peaceful, supportive, mutual, and loving and it took 4 years for me to realize that this man was not right for me either, I knew he had issues but not the extent he showed me last year... I even gave him a second chance after he broke my heart. I invested in him more than I have ever ever invested in anyone and I made some piss poor decisions that I will regret ultimately for the rest of my life. I’ve always done things out of love for him or not at all.

I chose Matt out of the pick of men I could of easily of dated but life wanted to punish me by giving me another narcissist... and in the beginning he made me feel special (lovebombing) when he felt like it, but he did not make me feel valued. When I first took notice of him, I was 27 and completely infatuated. For months, I believed nothing would come of it I thought he would end up being just like my ex, on June 20th 2014 we went on our first date and I was smitten. I felt like I had been picked out of the crowd, I was the lucky winner of a long sought-after prize. And when red flags began to appear, I willfully ignored all of them. Verbal abuse began a month into dating . I had just moved house and was going through a difficult time and dealt with it alone, he told me he hated the long-distance but made the effort to travel to see me once a week Twice if I was lucky, I would clean up after him and buy our food and cook and pay for most things because he had little money I didn’t really care as I was just happy in his company at the time he was like a happy pill to me, I would Make so much effort compared to Matt our relationship felt one sided... He would become very angry if I forgot little things, so I tried my best to do everything to his specifications. I wanted to prove how serious I was and looking back he did very little not even the basic of things even a cuddle was a chore to him!

He wanted to know alot who I was hanging out with and where I was at all times If I did not answer my phone or texts sometimes he would immediately interrogate me. He was paranoid and I was never unfaithful to him, He would become greatly upset sometimes if I chose to see my family for a night rather than be with him. Sometimes he would come round to my House after not seeing him for a week or two... and I would be thrown in a panic over what mood he might be in or to make sure I cook us lavish meals, I was constantly made to feel I was not doing enough. When it was him that wasn't doing anything at all he was just bone idle. At the time, I saw it all as a sacrifice for a man that I desperately loved and wanted to prove my loyalty to him, I was going through the worst too at the time and hid it and brushed it under the rug in fear of speaking up I thought you’d never care or understand what I’m going through and he was very insecure and extremely difficult to communicate with and more often than not would take offence or get angry if I spoke to him about anything or he just would sit in silence, I was already separated from my ex husband 4 years prior to meeting Matt, I was living with my ex husband but in separate rooms and we had complete separate lives he didn’t always care what I did neither did I we just lived in the same house for financial reasons.

Slowly, I became more and more isolated in Romford and even where I’m at now, And had also lost myself along the way. I became so caught up in pleasing Matt, that I lessened my own wants and desires. His hold on me was even tighter. I spent alot of times paying for hotels in the past so we could spend more time together I was hoping he would be happier that he had more time with me, but it still was not enough for him it was like trying to fill a bucket with holes.

But I was still crumbling on the inside. In 2015 I started hitting the wine excessively everytime he came to visit me I used to fear the sound of his bike pull up on my drive I used to think what mood is he going to be in today how many eggshells do I need to tread on around him... sometimes instead of greeting me at the door with a kiss or a hug he would straight away smirk at me and berate me for the dry skin on my nose (he did this often), often arguing with me over trivial things until I broke down in tears on many occasions I knew there was something wrong with Matt when he happily watched me cry inconsolably over something he had done and he didn't even flinch or attempt to apologise until the damage was already done, I stayed in my quiet demeanor a lot I was already living in a situation I felt like I couldn't talk to a soul about I felt trapped... My life seemed so perfect on the outside, but inside the depression was beginning to consume me slowly chipping away at me and so was Matt. I tried leaving him several times in 5 years but somehow he always had a way of manipulating me back in.

There was no say in my own life anymore. If we had any fun (rarely) it was on his terms. I was walking a very narrow line with no room for deviation. As some would say, it was his way or the highway.

He would criticise me for most things, and didn't care about my feelings in anything it was all about him and his needs... Talking to him was often like trying to nail jelly to the wall! I ended up keeping things from him that I was currently going through in fear of how he would react, he regularly got angry if I had the audacity to stand up for myself to him he hated being told anything he didn't want to hear or if I didn’t give in... he would kick off like a child having a tantrum and sometimes he would break items of mine. And accuse me of provoking him when all I was doing was trying to find out why he was in a bad mood for no reason I wanted to connect with him and just have a good time together but he made that almost impossible and instead carefully twisted it around to be my fault. I just drank wine all day sometimes to block it out until I fell asleep.

Without getting into the all the details, a particular fight had gone too far 3 months into living together I had told him over dinner that I can’t keep helping him with the bills we agreed after I paid 16k upfront in rent to live here and that the utility bills were his responsibility... as I’d already invested 51k into him I had literally spent half of my life savings after giving him another chance last year I did everything I could for Matt but it was never enough he showed little to no appreciation he just wanted a constant supply of everything from me. the darkness I felt this time was more than I could bare. I wanted to end it and that’s when I realised after everything I went through with my ex on a similar level I couldn’t put myself through another year of it, I fought long and hard to get out of my previous relationship and thanks to my dads help last June I felt like what was supposed to be my clean break turned into a living nightmare infact worse if I had stayed with my, I had spent 4 years being told and feeling like I wasn’t good enough by Matt and I came to believe that I never would be for him. He dehumanised me so much to this point often subtly about various things I felt worthless to him.

I deep down loved Matt for the good hearted person he tried to be, but he had this side to him that outweighed the good and last feb when he out of the blue left me for another woman 2 days after we broke up which took me weeks to find out it destroyed me and I wish I took that as my blessing instead when he came crawling and grovelling back to me the day she broke up with him (which I didn’t know at the time) I fell hook line and sinker for his fake remorse and empathy because I thought it was sincere but it was all part of his game plan to get the debt we got into paid off and his 14k tmax I promised him in 2018 when we were happy together. Not only did he still get all of that from me after what he did he was able to live life at my expense for 5 months after and I used to just comply to keep the peace there was nothing I wouldn’t of done for Matt because I was drunk in love and kept on creating this version in my head of who he might become after I changed my entire life around for us. And this is why I knew not to do it 3 years ago even if I could of done. The day I came clean to him about being married and separated (which had no relevance to anyone but myself) but if you’re with a narcissist and you hit them with a truth they hate it because it blows their fake world apart... the 10th nov 2019 5 months after living together was really the day I clearly woke the fuck up and said to myself despite my past or my mistakes I know I deserve more than this man who brings nothing to my table but emotional abuse and misery. I’ve been through too much to this point to put myself through it again and I had to draw the line before he rinsed me out of more money because he couldn't be responsible for his part in anything he would prioritise supplies of cannabis and hair supplements over paying the gas and electric bill and I had no idea how much he was earning at work because he was so private about everything. I felt like I was being under Coercive control all over again.

And this is where it all starts to make sense. In October I paid to see a professional to seek some advice from a top psychiatrist to get a diagnosis on behalf of matt after reading out a list of things describing how he acted 24/7 and how he spoke to me about anything even when he was angry. after 1 hour she told me Matt is likely Under cluster a,b,c and made me do a personality test on his behavioural traits and it just naturally clicked in that moment it dawned on me what I was dealing with I never healed the cause of why I chose the 1st narc and then you get hurt worse by the 2nd narc and get told it’s a result of being abused by your biological father. you just feel broken by all the people everywhere and end up remaining completely alone, I broke down after that session and ended up sitting in the pub for an hour by myself going over the fact I was completely blinded for all this time. It absolutely killed me... because of all the decisions I made prior to this. I mean him leaving me for another woman this time last year behind my back was enough warning of what he was capable of but this man went above and beyond to destroy my heart for the last time... I kinda felt sorry for him too because there’s really no cure for his issues I thought to myself I’d love to help Matt but unfortunately you can’t help someone who sees no issue in who they are as a person. It’s time to free myself now and work on my issues instead of trying to fix his.

So now… the new life alone begins. One that I did not want to face. I wanted to be happily living with Matt it was supposed to be our happy ever after, A part of me still does. But I can’t look back now. I have goals and aspirations I still want to get accepted into uni and learn psychology/nutrition and achieve my dream career and be fully sober, I have to learn to find value in myself now. I have to hold my head high even on the days that I feel my worst. I have the most amazing support system my friends and family have been legends lately, I literally wouldn’t be here without all of them. I am still healing. I have outbursts of anger and sadness and I am trying to wade through it all.. I have learned what it means to set boundaries now as I never did in the past and that’s why I’ve been a doormat to men... and what I cannot tolerate in a relationship. I have grown tremendously from this experience but there is still more growing to do and healing from my CPTSD and health issues from being involved with these men.

What I have learnt is No one is worth sacrificing what you hold. It doesn’t matter if he is good-looking or promises you the whole world if he does not show you respect now or then he never will. Love is blind. Your family and your friends will see the red flags in them before you are willing to accept them. Listen to them. Listen to yourself I even failed to listen to Matts dad when he warned me about his son... but moral of the story is Every person is deserving of a love that sets their soul on fire, as well as provides a place to rest when weary. This world is harsh sometimes, so hold onto those who are kind to you. For now, I will be focusing on myself, my goals, my life, and my family and friends. And healing. I have one last shot at my life now to get it right it’s now or never.

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