#I will be posting pictures tomorrow I’m too tired rn

[spinjitsuburst]

got home from work. forgot I was taking pictures of my lego set before work. found my minifigures like this on my desk HAKSHSKSSHKAHA

[gardeneticist]

I’m way too tired to go through all the pictures rn but I am gonna have some absolute treats for you guys this week.

I’ve been participating in the Great Southern BioBlitz so I’ve done almost nothing but look for bugs in the past 3 days and am gonna do more tomorrow as well, so far I’ve taken over 1000 photos and I’d estimate I’ve found at least 200 different species, so once I’ve gone through all those I’ll be posting some of the best ones here!

[childishfluff]

(im gonna be sending a few seperate asks since theyre seperate thoughts/ideas, sorry for any sort of inbox spam!!) ur pet regressor tommy fic led me into a whole wormhole of many different ideas.. esp abt who else is a pet regressor!!

- wilbur (cat regressor!! also very relaxed, he *will* just sleep on phil or techno's lap for hours on end. mostly nonverbal, but will meow every now nd again. mostly communicates through actions. he can purr. doesn't drop often, but when he does, it's due to extreme stress- meaning he can be pretty sensitive while he's in catspace.)

- tubbo (puppy regressor, but definitely more of a relaxed dog aside from the amnt he communicates, especially through barking, whimpering, and soft "awooo!!"'s. loves snuggles. sometimes, he's scared to come of as annoying, so he's hesitant to slip into pupspace, normally needing someone to help him along and tell him that it's ok for him to be a puppy, nd that he's a very very good boy.)

- karl (kitten regressor!!!! he's either really sleepy or really playful/energetic, and he has no in between on that. he meows.. so much.. all he kno is meow meow!! *very* sensitive while dropped, and as such, he needs a lot of validation and love. will get extremely upset with himself if he notices that anyone is even *slightly* mad/irritated by him.)

- nick (sapnap) (PUPPY REGRESSOR 100000%!!! he's very very loud and extremely playful!!! he can be entertained for *hours* w literally anything, especially toys like chew bones. doesn't really drop too often, but when he does, he drops very very far. something that can trigger his drops is when people compare his traits/actions to those of a dog because he just goes yes!! yes me!!!! dog!!! me!!!! also he loves karl *so* much because karl absolutely spoils him rotten when he's in pupspace.)

- ranboo (kitty regressor!! similar to karl, he can be really sensitive while he's dropped. entirely nonverbal, opting for actions instead. he's a mix of both playful and sleepy. when he sleeps, he curls his entire body up into a circle nd kneads at whatever he's sleeping on until he falls asleep.)

- dream (cat regressor!! sleeps a lot when he's dropped, hes just vv tired. mimics patches, and loves to follow her around/act like she does. even bases his catgear around patches, with tabby-colored cat ears and an outfit based off of similar colors. drops very easily, mostly voluntarily.)

those r the ones i can think of now.. id love to know ypur opinions/interpretations of them!! -🌻

OKAY I’M GONNA GO THROUGH THESE ONE BY ONE, AND SHARE MY THOUGHTS+OTHER POSSIBLE HCS/FIC SCENARIOS, SO LONG POST WARNING Y’ALL

1. Cat Regressor! Wilbur

yes yes yes, I wouldn’t of thought of it myself but the idea is absolutely adorable! I’d totally write that, with like handler/cg!niki in addition to those you listed. And the idea of him using it for stress and therefore being sensitive in catspace? like, that’s amazing. 

I could imagine a fic where someone pushes him to regress for fun for once, but he feels like it’s stupid to purposely act like a cat when he doesn’t need it? They don’t pressure him, or anything, but he ends up slipping because he feels safe. and he realizes not only does it help with stress, but it just makes him more happy!

also imagine him slipping around tommy for whatever reason, and just wanting to sleep while Tommy’s trying to do something fun. So he’s dragging around a sleepy kitten and waking him up every two seconds, and it’s really soft and adorable and ends up with Wilbur sleeping somewhat on Tommy so that he can’t get up and he’s like ‘you’re so lucky I love you, dude.’ awww I need to write a fic- no promises but y’know

2.Puppy Regressor!Tubbo

someone actually requested a puppy regressors!tubbo and tommy fic that I’m having trouble writing, like it sounds cute but it’s kinda hard bc I’ve never written puppyspace before. I actually decided to start over but I’ma keep trying on that. 

anyways, imagine like, Ranboo or Tommy helping him slip over a discord call! Needing help to regress is something that I understand (I age regress, but I haven’t in a while due to this issue), so I could probably write Tubbo in that position well. Needing to be coaxed and told that it’s okay to be a cute lil puppy, like that’s adorable! 

3. Kitten Regressor!Karl

tbh I tried to write kitten!karl but I was half asleep and gave up, I need to get back to that hjsiksja. Like I specialize in writing sensitive regressors w/anxiety over someone being mad at them, so I could definitely pull this off. 

and the idea of him being a talkative kitty is sooo cute! Like I can imagine something along the lines of this conversation between him and a handler/cg:

“What do you want?”

“Meowww”

“I don’t know what that means!”

“Meow?” (little head tilt and innocent cute eyes)

“Do you want cuddles?”

*excited meows! and he goes and cuddles up in their lap bc yay, they understood him!*

and imagine kitten!karl playing w/Quackity! very very adorable concept

4. Puppy Regressor! Sapnap

okay okay so I don’t watch sapnap really but this is still adorable! Like the whole ‘me, puppy? yes.’ thing is soooo cute! Imagine George or Dream just forgetting that’s a trigger and making a joke about how one of his mannerisms reminds them of a puppy and suddenly! There’s a puppy to take care of!

and karl spoiling him sounds like something he’d do hjsiksjsa. I can’t really add much on here bc idk much about him/his content past the smp but this is so cute! Maybe I’ll watch a few of his videos and attempt writing him bc I keep getting requests for him

5. Kitten Regressor! Ranboo

yes, I was already thinking about this tbh! Like I’ve written him as a little and it’s kinda similar, he’s sensitive, and he’s less verbal the littler he gets. As a kitten, I can easily picture him just being quiet. 

I imagine that he’s really pouty because of this, because he doesn’t know how to communicate otherwise, so this might confuse anyone who may take care of him. 

“Why are you pouting? Do you want cuddles? Food? Do you wanna play?” 

and he just doesn’t reply bc he’s a kitten and he can’t talk so it’s an endless cycle of guess and check until they reach the right answer, and it’s really funny to watch. I can also imagine that he giggles a lot. Like he’s not verbal or anything, and he doesn’t giggle a lot but sometimes it happens! and if you make him giggle while in kittenspace then you did something right!

it makes everyone happy when he giggles and it’s really soft and cute! I definitely think I’ll write a fic with kitten!ranboo in it, at some point eventually, I think! 

6. Cat Regressor! Dream

awwwww- I didn’t even consider the possibility of this but awwww. Imagine Wilbur and Dream in catspace together, just sleeping and cuddling while basically all the other kittens are playing and being hyper. And everyone’s trying to get them to play but they’re sleepy! (ofc they end up playing anyways bc their friends are adorable and convincing but y’know)

and I really like the idea of him mimicking patches! I’ve seen a few pet regresors say that they mimick/copy their pets so it kinda feels realistic and likely! and plus, it’s really cute. 

and since his regression is voluntary, I can imagine him like one minute, just chillin w/george and sapnap and going ‘what if- what if I just went *cat mode*’ and he tries to hint to his friends that he wants to slip but they’re not getting it so it’s kinda frustrating for him but funny for the readers to see play out bc George and Sapnap are being completely oblivious to everything. Hjsiksja that’d be funny

Thank you for sending this it, like seriously! It was really fun to go through and talk about these, I might make additional headcannon lists once I’m actually awake tomorrow bc I shouldn’t be up rn but yeah, I just wanted to go through and respond to this! <3

[daydadahlias]

fic when 😔🙏 (jokesjokes but also yeah deff see ashton dropping everything to be with someone in need 🥲)

Fic now.

This is literally just 5.6k of Calum being angsty and then Ashton showing up at his house. That’s what this is. I will make an actual post for it tomorrow as well as posting it on ao3 but it’s 1 am rn and my sleep drunk mind is going “put it out, put it out” so I’m putting it out lol. This is for you, Beth.  TW // drinking

—Tailspin—

It’s not that Calum thinks he’s incapable of being loved or loving. He’s not.

It’s not about being incapable, it’s about being insusceptible. Not a lot of love knocking down his door lately, not a lot of love sitting around and waiting to be scooped up. Love is a hard thing to come by.

Or, no, that’s wrong again.

Love is an incredibly easy thing to come by in his life as it stands. Everyone loves him. He’s a good person. He’s lovable. He’s attractive, and he’s kind, and he’s funny on occasion. There’s nothing about him, actually, that is unloveable.

There are things about him that are dislikeable, sure. Like, he chews with his mouth open sometimes. Or he drinks too much sometimes or smokes too much sometimes or does both at the same time too much sometimes. Sometimes, he’ll knock over a roll of fabric in Walmart, and won't pick it up because there’s always that small voice in his head that goes, “Aw, someone else will get that.”

But none of his traits are downright cruel, downright callus, downright untreatable. He’s sure the right person would call him out on the chewing. That the right person would pluck the beer or joint out of his hand and say, “Enough of that now, Cal.” That the right person would bump in the shoulder in the Walmart aisle and say, “Hey, asshat, pick that up.”

All of his traits are, for the most part, completely acceptable if the right person were willing to deal with them and maybe fix him just a little.

Not that he’s broken. He’s not broken. He’s… out of place, maybe. Not always. Just sometimes.

He’s not unhappy. He’s not hurting. He’s not miserable.

He’s tired, a touch sleepy, and a touch drunk as well.

Not so drunk he doesn’t know up from down. But not so sober that he knows to stop drinking. He’s only one beer down and he’s a large guy so it’s barely enough to make him tipsy, but there’s a noticeable warmth that’s starting to make his blood feel fuzzy, make his head tilt a little more to the side, and his smile to be a touch lazier.

He’s not smiling at anyone; no one’s home but him. Roy’s gone out but Calum can’t seem to quite remember where he went off to. It doesn’t matter anyway. Roy’s a big boy, he can take care of himself. He doesn’t need to be bothered by Calum right now calling just to say, “Could I hear your voice for a moment?”

How fucking stupid would that be?

And he’s not the sort of person that would call to say that either. That would be cause for alarm. Calum’s not out of touch with his feelings or anything. He’s very in touch with his feelings for an adult man, he thinks. In his line of work, he needs to be. Writing songs and sharing them is the equivalent to slicing one’s skin open with a butterknife and begging someone to listen. All art is, he thinks, is begging. All writing is, is bleeding. And God, does he spend so many of his days bleeding.

He’s bleeding now, he knows. Not physically—although he did get a papercut recently on the tip of his thumb and he keeps putting his finger in his mouth to tongue at the slice absently as it heals—but emotionally, he swears he’s pouring out.

He’s sitting on the couch with a new beer cradled between his thighs, holding the neck of it with one hand, the other hand focused on his mouth where he’s sucking the tip of his thumb to taste metal and he has the most jarring realization of, dude, what are you, a baby with a bottle? and then he starts laughing, picturing a baby drinking milk from a beer bottle.

And then he thinks it’s a touch on the pathetic side that he’s laughing alone in his house over something so stupid so he stops laughing. And now he just feels dumb.

So he takes another sip of his beer, bites his thumb briefly to make it sting—because, in the most dramatic sense, pain should be felt—and drops his hands to his lap.

Then he sniffs, bothered with his own brain, and berates himself mentally for drinking at all. He should probably stop drinking now before he gets to the point that he can’t and ends up passed out on the couch with empty bottles surrounding him and his thumb in his mouth like a spoiled toddler that’s been put down for nap time.  

His mouth mumbles, “fucking pathetic,” before his brain tells him, that’s not a very nice thing to say about yourself. But fuck his brain, what does that asshole know?

He reminds himself that it’s not that he’s unlovable. It’s just that love is so… love is… oh, what is love, baby, don’t hurt me—now he’s singing.

Maybe he’s drunker than he thought.  

He needs to get a handle on this before he does something stupid. He doesn’t know what that stupid something is but he knows he’ll do it. It’ll probably just be something like taking a shower with all his clothes on—which he has fully done before—or something even more self-destructive like leaving a voicemail for his ex. One of his exes. Which ex will he regale this time? Which one will he ask, is it that I’m unloveable? I know I’m not. I’m very capable of being loved. So what was it about me that made me unloveable to you?

But it’s not them, he reminds, and it’s not you, it’s us and the fact that we didn’t mesh. It's not us individually. It's us together.

Ashton says it’s about the right person. The right person is going to love Calum heart and soul. The right person is going to pick up after him in Walmart and tell him off for sitting alone on his couch on a Wednesday night with a beer and his dog and nothing else worth naming.

His dog that is asleep next to him. He moves to rake his fingers through Duke’s fur, Duke happily snuggling closer to his thigh at the touch.

What makes Calum finally stop drinking is the realization that if he gets drunk and passes out, he’ll forget to take Duke out for a piss before bed and that would be shitty of him, and very unloveable.

People that forget about their dogs are unloveable, and Calum is not unloveable which is why he will stop drinking and remember to take care of his dog.  

But when he puts his beer down on the coffee table he is cruelly reminded of one very horrible fact. Now he’ll have to sit inside his own head when he’s not drunk. And he really wants to be drunk right now. Because sitting in his own head is hard.

He’s not depressed. He’s not damaged. He’s not holding a hammer against his skull ready to break his brain in half.

He’s just tired, and a little bit sleepy, and a little bit drunk, and feeling just a teeny touch like maybe he’s incapable of loving or being loved.

Duke snores against his thigh and he trails his fingers back through Duke’s fur.

“I’m being really fucking angsty tonight, huh?” he tells the dog, even though Duke is asleep and even if he wasn’t, he can’t speak English. And then Calum can’t help but lament, “Why can’t you talk?”

And then feels stupid yet again.

He feels stupid, and too sober, and yet not sober enough so he feels like a shit for drinking, and so many things all at once that really just go to show and go to prove and prove they do, that he’s incapable of loving or being loved.

“Okay, now I’m just being a fuck,” he announces to the room and fumbles to get his phone off the coffee table because he needs someone to tell him outright what a fuck he’s being.

He deserves a nice hearty slap across the face and a get over yourself man, what are you? A teenage boy going through puberty being ditched at prom? Fucking get it together.

He doesn’t even think about what number he’s dialing as he dials it. His shitty little brain already knows exactly who to call. Because there’s a very specific voice he wants to hear right now.

“Hey man,” Ashton answers after about two rings, a significant amount of shuffling going on in the background which means he has to be doing something of note, because Ashton’s always busy, Ashton’s always doing something; what does Calum do?

“Hey, what’re you doing?” Calum says back. He feels like maybe he slurs on purpose just so Ashton will ask if he’s okay.

“Trying to write a song,” comes Ashton’s response and Calum finally deduces the shuffling in the background to be Ashton setting his guitar down and picking it back up. A few strings are flicked in the distance, sounding far away, and Calum thinks that maybe he should just pull out his own guitar, sit on the couch, not have bothered Ashton, and bleed for a while. “What’s up with you? You sound weird.”

And Calum can’t help but smile lopsidedly at the fact that all he’d said was hey, what’re you doing? and that single line was enough for Ashton to know, because he’s Ashton and he always seems to know even when the last thing Calum wants is for him to know.

He wants him to know now though. He wants Ashton to ask if he’s okay, and he wants to say no, and he wants Ashton to do that thing he does where he promises Calum that even if things are shit now, they won’t always be, and that life is a series of very convoluted spirals and even though he’s at the bottom of the barrel now, soon enough he’ll spin right back up to the top.

That’s how life is. Spinning and spinning and sometimes you’re smiling and sometimes you’re crying and, through it all, you’re bleeding and bleeding and hoping you don’t run out of blood or words before you reach the top again.

He just needs Ashton to offer some words of wisdom; a promise that Calum’s going to keep spinning and eventually spin out of this.

He’s not even sad. He’s just tired. And drunk. And lonely.

“I, uh—” Calum chokes on a pathetic laugh and shrugs his shoulders— “I’ll be honest, man, m’not great.”

Calum hears him set down his guitar, concern overtaking his voice. “What’s going on?”

Calum loves how concerned Ashton can get so easily. He jokes constantly that they can never take their money to Vegas because Ashton would lose them every cent. He has no poker face. He’s expressive, and truthful, and devastatingly raw in every choice he makes, every decision felt down to his core, and Calum might bleed pain when he writes but all Ashton bleeds is passion, fiery and burning. And Calum doubts there will ever be a time in his life when he doesn’t look up to the man.

Even though he is taller than him physically and teases Ashton constantly for it. Oldest in the band, tiniest guy. Basically a garden gnome. He’s a sprout. A woodland creature. A—

“Cal,” Ashton repeats, obvious worry in his tone, “What’s going on, man?”

“Oh—” Calum shakes his head, reaching to pinch the bridge of his nose— “Nothing, really, I just—No, it’s really nothing.”

“Are you okay?” Ashton asks gently and Calum’s body seems to melt instantly into the cushions with the words.

It’s all about those words, isn’t it? It’s the fact that Ashton cares enough to ask and Calum knows he cares enough to ask, not just asking because it's expected, and better than that, he knows Ashton will have a good answer when Calum tells him no. Ashton won’t say, ‘aw, pal, that’s rough, I’m sorry.’

Ashton will do what Ashton always does which is simply: be Ashton.  

And Calum finds himself smiling to himself as he mumbles back into the phone, “I’m not having the best day. Sort of having an ‘oh, so I suck’ moments, you know?”

Ashton makes a displeased noise into the receiver and argues, “You don’t suck.”

“I know I don’t suck.” Calum smiles at Duke sleeping next to him. “But my brain… this little bastard just won’t hear it. I keep trying to tell him to fuck off but he just won’t shut up.”

“What a dick,” Ashton agrees and Calum shuts his eyes, comfort already beginning to spread through him. It’s astounding how just a few words from Ashton, just a few well places syllables and caring gestures, can make things feel so much more right.

Not fully right. Ashton can’t fix everything, no matter how damn hard the man tries, but the effort makes all the difference. Calum knows he isn’t the only one who thinks that.

“Are you at home?” Ashton wonders and Calum makes an agreeing sound.

“Sitting on the couch, drinking a beer, petting Duke, contemplating the secrets to the universe,” Calum replies, “trying not to hate me, casual Wednesday night.”

“Uh-huh.” There’s a significant amount of ruffling around on the other side of the line and Calum can’t for the life of him figure out what the hell is going on. He opens his mouth to ask when Ashton interrupts him to say, “Listen, Cal, something’s just come up, I gotta call you back, okay?”

Calum’s face drains and a sharp stab of panic hits him in the gut at being left alone with the silence and the loneliness but there’s a notable amount of static happening on the other line so he knows Ashton is serious about something happening. And it makes Calum draw his brows together, wanting to know what’s happening and what has Ashton sounding stressed.

He fumbles out a, “Yeah, that’s fine, but can you—Will you for real call me back though, please?”    

He doesn’t mean to sound as pitiful as he does and he fully winces once the words are out because Cal, man, dude, brother, what the fuck was that? You sound like a baby once again, tugging at a parent's pant leg, asking not to be taken into daycare.

But it’s just so easy to treat Ashton like a parent. To think of Ashton as a parent when Ashton has—in all effects—spent the last decade being their parents.

When they were first on the road and they didn’t have their actual family, Ashton was more than happy to slip into the role. It was natural for him, easy. He didn’t think about it and he didn’t announce it. He didn’t tell the guys he was the new leader, or the new head of the house. He just came into their lives and was himself. And the man is too easy at leading not to be followed.

Luke said it openly once; he’d follow Ashton to the end of the earth. And Calum and Michael will be right alongside him. Ashton hasn’t led them wrong before. And Calum doesn’t think he ever will. He does what’s best for them, he always has. The only person’s needs he ever sacrifices are his own, and suddenly Calum feels guilty as fuck for calling him.

Because he knows that whatever Ashton has to do right now will be sidelined in order to call Calum back.

“No, actually, you don’t have to,” Calum says loudly, moving to hang up. “You don’t have to call me back, I’m good. Seriously, I’m good.”

“Cal,” Ashton says, his voice gentle yet sharp, “I’ll call you back in ten minutes, alright? Just sit tight until then.”

So Calum snaps his mouth shut and lets Ashton hang up the phone after a muted goodbye. He knows Ashton will call him back. Ashton always calls him back.

It’s just hard having to sit here now, alone, and with no one on the other line telling him not to do it, what is he supposed to do but pick his beer back up and take a swig?

And with so much free time now, he figures he might as well light himself a cigarette before Ashton calls again, so he does. Besides, it’s not like Ashton will even see the cigarette or know it’s there considering he’ll be on the phone so Calum decides to smoke down the first one far too fast and light himself a second.

Then he smokes for a while and contemplates if he should even bother getting his guitar out. He could. He could get his guitar out right now and he could try to write a song that’s full of worthlessness and lack of love and suffering and how it feels to bleed yourself dry, spinning down and down, but then he thinks that the song won’t be any good.

The song would be melodramatic and lackadaisical and miss the point he's trying to get across, which is that he isn’t miserable by any stretch but damn, he sure as hell isn’t happy.

Not that he really needs to be happy. He just doesn’t care so much for the emptiness that accompanies nights like these. Nights that grow longer, that grow more often as he gets older and the youthful, naive charm of what they’ve done and who they are wears off.

He’s not a teenager anymore. He doesn’t love people screaming his name anymore.

It used to be loud, the adoration. It used to be blaring and open and fucking earth rocking. And he loved feeling loved. But now the praise is background sound, as poignant to him as shoes over gravel, and it lacks truth.

Why would an audience love him? An audience doesn’t know him. An audience doesn’t see him off the stage. An audience doesn’t love him because they can’t love him because they don’t know who the fuck he is enough to love him.

And now he’s staring at the cigarette that’s half-burnt away in his fingers and there’s a rather awful feeling in his gut of, fuck, at this point, do I even know who I am? Am I meant to? Shouldn’t I have figured it out by now? I’ve had plenty of time.

And it’s as he’s spinning down, down, down, that his doorbell rings.

“What the fuck?” he laments quietly to no one in particular because now is really not a great time; he’s trying to have an anxiety attack here, if they could come back later that would be great.

But the doorbell rings again, more aggressively this time like someone is punching it with their fingers, and he knows he should answer so he stumbles off the couch, doing his best not to wake up Duke in the process, tripping over the rug, nearly stubbing his toe on the coffee table as he gets to the front door.

Someone knocks loudly and he shouts, “One second!”

He finally pulls the door open, expecting to see Roy maybe, home from wherever it is he’s gone, or maybe someone lost and asking for direction, or hell maybe even an ax murderer before what’s actually there in front of him.

Ashton is standing on his doorstep, smiling crookedly, baggy pants on and a baggier t-shirt, looking like he’s just crawled out of bed and dragged himself to Calum’s house, sporting droopy eyes and messy auburn hair. And Calum truly has to resist the urge to lunge into his arms and hug him because fuck this guy and everything he does.  

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he asks, alarmed, pulling back hurriedly to let Ashton walk inside, which he does without hesitation, shuffling over Calum’s carpet in his sandals, abandoning them instantaneously by the door so he can walk barefoot to Calum’s couch.

“You said you didn’t feel great,” Ashton answers like it should be obvious, eyes doing their rounds of Calum’s living room.

Calum flinches as Ashton’s eyes land on the empty beer bottle sitting on his table. Ashton glances over at him.

There’s nothing accusatory in the tone, even though there could be. “You been drinking?”

“Only two,” Calum answers quietly, feeling his face heat in something of an embarrassment.

Now he feels like a toddler being scolded for getting one too many cookies out of the cookie jar.

“Okay, no more of this,” Ashton decides, scooping up the empty bottle into his fingers, moving through Calum’s house with such finesse, such purpose, like he’s supposed to be here, picking up after Calum, cleaning up his messes, fixing what Calum swears isn’t broken.

But it’s what he’s always done. And it clicks to Calum that Ashton completely fucking lied to him on the phone. There wasn’t anything else to tend to, it was just that Ashton knew Calum would say no if he offered to come over so he elected to not give Calum a choice.

Calum is glad he took the choice away. He would have felt guilty asking Ashton over. Taking up his time. Taking up his love.

But here Ashton is, giving it to him without even being asked to.

Calum listens to the clunk of the beer bottle in the bin of the trash and watches Ashton emerge from his kitchen again, brushing his hands off. He points at Calum and says sternly, “Cigarette. Out. Now.”

Calum doesn’t even protest before stubbing it out in the small ashtray on his coffee table.

“What’s going on?” Ashton asks, concern creasing his brow up.

His hazel eyes can grow so worried sometimes. Like when Michael burned himself on stage, or when Luke came into the studio with a black eye he refused to acknowledge, or now when Calum is himself, standing at the opposite end of his coffee table, bleeding out onto the floor.

Calum looks at him, at the genuine care that dominates his face, and he admits, “Just feel like shit. No reason. M’just me. And I’m just sad today.”

“Alright.” Ashton blinks a few times, nodding, collecting the information. Calum waits for his advice. For him to tell Calum to man up, even though he knows Ashton won’t. Instead, Ashton takes a heavy breath in through his nose and asks, “You eaten yet?”

“No,” Calum answers.

“I’m gonna order us some dinner,” Ashton decides, turning to walk into the other room to grab one of the takeout menus that Calum has on his counter. Ashton knows his house inside and out. Knows where he keeps everything. Knows who he is. How he ticks. How to fix him.

Calum follows after him like a child. He feels like a child. He feels like a stupid little kid, sitting in a tiny apartment in London, wiping tears from his eyes because he misses his mom, feeling the couch dip beside him when Ashton sits down next to him and rubs his shoulders and tells him that it’s okay and that he’ll see his mom soon enough.

He walks into the kitchen and watches Ashton shuffle over the menu, humming to himself in thought. It’s not a rhythm Calum knows and he feels a tug of stress as he remembers that Ashton was writing music when he called and Calum’s just pulled him away from it.

“Weren’t you trying to write something?” he asks. “You don’t have to be here if you—”

“It wasn’t going anywhere,” Ashton returns with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Thoughts on Thai? Pad See Ewe sounds fucking fantastic right now. And I’ll get you the Pad Woon Sen, no meat, extra baby corn. Which is weird as fuck, because who actually likes baby corn?”

“Don’t smack talk baby corn,” Calum laments, laughing in disbelief as he walks further into the kitchen to lean against the counter and blink big black eyes up at Ashton, marking the dimples that have easily curved Ashton’s cheeks.

He loves Ashton’s smile. It’s wide; always on just the right side of being too wide to not look dumb. Ashton’s smile is always slightly dumb, crooked, happy. Honest.

He sets his chin in his hand, staring up at Ashton like he’s the one who hung the stars in the sky and mumbles, “Baby corn is hype as shit.”

“Baby corn is baby corn and is, thus, fucking awful,” Ashton replies, flipping his phone out and dialing the restaurant number. He glances up at Calum as it starts ringing and says, “You go back in the living room and go pick a movie, okay? The requirements are: it must have Ryan Reynolds and/or Sandra Bullock.”

“You want to watch The Proposal,” Calum fills in.

Ashton admits, “I want to watch The Proposal.”

Calum snorts, rolling his eyes as he pushes off the counter, turning around to walk back to the living room while he says, “I will put on The Proposal,” as someone answers Ashton’s phone and he starts brightly prattling off their order.

Calum winds up right back on the couch, jostling Duke into waking up and whining his complaint. Calum shushes him as best he can, moving to pull the small dog into his lap, letting the puffball relocate on his thighs, tucking his paws beneath his head.

Calum scratches his ears until Duke drifts off again and Ashton returns to the living room, pocketing his phone. He says, “Food’ll be here in thirty.”

“Okay,” Calum says, “my wallet is—”

“I’m buying,” Ashton replies without room for argument and Calum tries to protest but Ashton won’t have it and Calum knows Ashton well enough not to argue so he shuts his mouth and focuses on petting Duke with one hand while fiddling with the remote with the other.

Ashton joins him on the sofa, plunking his body weight down, heavy enough that the couch creaks and Duke shifts in Calum’s lap.

Calum doesn’t expect it but he shouldn't be surprised when Ashton drags the blanket off the arm of the couch and starts to haul it around his own body and Calum’s lap, politely scooping Duke up so he can get the blanket over Calum’s legs before depositing Duke back down who is completely unbothered by the whole situation. He wakes up, yes, and yips once but that’s all he has to say on the matter.

Ashton adjusts the blanket a few more times, cuddling up to Calum’s side so their arms are touching and then, deciding he doesn’t want his arm to fall asleep—that’s the reason, definitely—he pulls it out from between them and loops it over the back of Calum’s shoulders.

He smells like incense. It’s a woody sort of smell, something with spice beneath it and it is so fucking calming so quickly that Calum’s body slacks and he presses up against Ashton’s side. Ashton’s body heat welcomes him easily and Ashton’s large hand lands on his shoulder, giving it a small squeeze.

Calum knows Ashton isn’t the biggest cuddler. He’s not a cuddler at all, really. Back when they were younger, Michael, Calum, and Luke would climb all over each other, place kisses on each other’s hair and cheeks, grab each other in lewd ways whenever they wanted, but Ashton decidedly left himself out for the most part.

But he knows Calum and Calum is the cuddling type. Calum likes kissing people, he likes touching people. He likes being kissed and touched and hugged and he fucking loses his mind when someone runs their fingers through his hair and he knows that Ashton knows all of that.

Which is why it shouldn’t be shocking when Ashton says, “C’mon, asshole, put your head on my shoulder," but it is, because it's so easy to forget that people love him.

Calum laughs and replies, “What if I don’t want to?”

“You are halfway leaning against me, stiff as a board,” Ashton replies, “put your head on my shoulder, or in my lap if you want, I don’t care. You look like shit.”

“I feel like shit,” Calum responds, heart and cheeks warm with the realization that he has very much been tipping himself towards Ashton without fully leaning into him. He wants to hate that he’s so easy to read but he knows it’s not so much that as it is that Ashton has simply learned exactly how to read him.

“Uh-huh.” Ashton rubs gently at Calum’s shoulder, a soothing, circular motion that has Calum’s eyelids fluttering. “I’m sorry today’s been shit.”

“It’s not just today,” Calum grumbles back, dropping his head onto Ashton’s shoulder, his hair pressing up against Ashton’s neck. He hopes it doesn’t tickle. If it does, Ashton says nothing about it. “The whole week’s felt off.”

“Off how?” Ashton asks, eyes focused on the TV as Calum finally manages to get The Proposal up and running.

“Dunno.” Calum shrugs pathetically, keeping his head resting against Ashton’s shoulder. He’s warm, solid. Safe. Calum nestles closer, knowing Ashton won’t push him off. “Y’know that Bo Burnham lyric ‘googling derealization; hating what you find’? Yeah, that’s it.”

Ashton snorts, clutching Calum’s arm which keeps him closer, Calum keeping his head right in the crook of Ashton’s neck and shoulder, breathing in the thick scent of comfort every time he breathes.

Ashton says, “Sorry. But that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel like shit every now and again.”

Calum watches the TV for a moment and he mumbles, “I know I am. But I don’t like feeling like shit.”

“No one likes feeling like shit,” Ashton replies, “but if you didn’t feel like shit, then happiness would be arbitrary. Unobtainable. Feeling like shit is important to reset the momentum. That way, when you’re happy, you’ll really know you’re happy.”

Calum hides his slowly forming smile in Ashton’s shirt.

“You can feel shitty if you want,” Ashton says, his palm continuing to rub gently over Calum’s arm over and over. “But I don’t want you to. And you don’t suck. You’re just an asshole to yourself sometimes.”

Calum laughs. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Ashton shifts some, letting Calum fall more heavily into him. There’s a very, very, slightly drunk part of Calum that wants to crawl into Ashton’s lap and say, hold me, but he is a grown-ass man and that’s not something grown-ass men do to other grown-ass men.

So he settles for breathing in Ashton’s shirt and smiling into his shoulder as he molds up against his side, hoping Ashton doesn’t make him move any time soon.

Ashton’s arm around his shoulders is a reassuring weight, reminding him that someone’s there with him, that someone will stay even if everyone else leaves. That even if Calum told Ashton to, Ashton wouldn’t, because Ashton knows Calum better than he knows himself sometimes, and knows that Calum wants him to stay even if he pretends he doesn't.

“Ash?” he murmurs, his voice sounding thick, having to force the word out.

“Uh-huh?”

Calum nuzzles into his shirt and says against the fabric, “Thanks for coming.”

“Obviously,” says Ashton, scoffing, and it makes Calum smile even wider when Ashton gives him a half side hug from how they’re sitting before he reaches up to card his fingers through Calum’s hair. “S’what I’m here for, man. You know that. D’you wanna talk about it? We don't have to.”

“No,” Calum answers, because he doesn’t. There isn’t much to talk about. “I just kinda wanna sit here and watch this shitty movie you picked out.”

“It’s the best romantic comedy ever made,” Ashton replies haughtily.

“When you admit baby corn is incredible,” Calum says, “I’ll admit your cheesy-ass movie is mediocre.”

Ashton doesn't say anything back but he laughs, shaking his head while continuing to pet through Calum’s hair. Calum purrs like a fucking cat at the touch, eyes drifting closed as Ashton continues to run long fingers back through Calum’s curls, getting caught on a tangle every now and then, tugging it free.

Some long moments pass, the movie prattling on (and Calum has to admit to himself that he loves this movie whether he’ll say it out loud or not) and Calum can hear Ashton’s heartbeat alongside his own, feel his body heat up against Calum’s, their skin touching, heat seeping from body to body, feel the way his stomach shifts with every breath he takes.  

And he says, because he needs to say it so Ashton knows, “Love you, by the way. Thank you.”

Ashton doesn’t so much as bat an eye as he returns, “I love you too, Cal. Maybe take a nap. I’ll wake you up when food gets here.”

Calum can’t ever argue with him either, so he drifts his eyes closed and takes in a deep breath, a tiny smile quirking his lips up as he snuggles up to Ashton again, hoping Ashton knows by the gesture and the soft breath he takes how much the words mean.

How much Ashton means.

He knows Ashton loves honestly. Loves fully. And thinking he is in any way deserving of that love makes him love Ashton even more for giving it over.

It’s not that Calum’s incapable of being loved or loving. He’s very much capable of both. It’s not about giving love. And it’s certainly not about receiving it. He gets love from millions. 

It's about the right person knowing him, accepting him, taking the love he offers, and giving it back to him with just as much meaning.

And Ashton coming over tonight, putting an arm around him and petting his hair when Calum never even asked him to, says just as much as it needs to.  

[ravenbrenna09]

When Isak is Also Even

This story is partially based on this post and here’s AO3 Link

...

Since wtfock season 3 has ended, I dived further into the lore and mythos of the Skam universe. Skam was a fandom that I always followed (when it was trending) but it was really Robbe and his season that fully brought me into it. Now, I’m in the midst of watching through Skam NL—I’m at the very beginning of episode 5—and I’m planning on watching España later on because I just love all that I’ve seen with the girl squad. 

But, Lucas always surprised me as a character—but especially as an Isak because he always seemed to have Even-like traits. From what I’ve seen, he’s primarily headcanoned to go on and study art. Because of this, I decided to play around with the idea that he has equal traits of the two. 

Because of this, I wanted to explore the idea that our “Isak” is given the storyline that Even normally represents especially given that Lucas’s own mother is bipolar as well. But, I did write Lucas as closeted as the other Isaks typically are at the beginning of their season—maybe more so?—so that is something to note. Now, of course, this is all fun and it’s just something that I wanted to explore—especially in a one shot. 

but, this is also my birthday gift for @peaceoutofthepieces (who is currently still sleeping rn) and it’s basically midnight for me SO THAT MEANS IT’S OFFICIALLY YOUR BIRTHDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATALIE AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

It’s really short (about a length of a clip of Jij Verliest) but I wish it was so much longer but I couldn’t manage it. I hope you enjoy it <3

…

The second that an Even sees their Isak is when their story starts changing, for the better, and life goes on to form something more precious than it was before.

But, this story is different.

Lucas van der Heijden is an Isak—technically, in someone else’s story—but he moved to Antwerp to get away from his father who tried to control his life and breathe down his neck about his medication. His mother had encouraged him to do so—to try new things—and with the Academy sending him an acceptance letter, it seemed so perfect, to go live in his cousin’s spare bedroom and get away from his father. So, because of this, Lucas van der Heijden is also an Even—technically.

One day, in the midst of it all, Lucas spots someone who instantly has his attention. Because Lucas is technically an Even—as much as he is an Isak, the person in his sight is his Isak, in every sense of the word. But, his “Isak” also happens to be another’s “Jonas.”

...

Lucas van der Heijden

Standing in front of the classroom, his photography teacher, Mr. Maes, a recent graduate from the Academy who returned to teach, lectured on and on about the various lighting techniques and what they tell the viewer. Mr. Maes had his brown hair meticulously styled. Today, he decided to wear a long-sleeve black shirt that clung a little too tightly to his biceps and a pair of jeans that clung tightly to his hips. Despite Lucas’s interest in the class—photography was his favorite medium and this class was his favorite of the semester—his brain kept fading in and out of the lecture. 

For whatever reason, his eyes kept returning to the curves of his muscles with a frustrating intensity. It was ridiculous that Lucas was getting distracted by something that didn’t interest him at all—outside of an artistic standpoint, of course—and he kept trying to force himself into the lecture. But, his brain also seemed to remind him of the text messages on his phones, the ones his father sent him as a botched attempt to bring him home despite his upcoming exam.

Dad: Come on Lucas. Your mother doesn’t understand.

Lucas: Really? She seemed fine when I called her. I have an art history exam next week that I have to study for. But I guess I don’t understand.

Dad: Lucas, that wasn’t what I meant.

Lucas: I know exactly what you meant.

Shoving away the thoughts of his father’s texts, Lucas’s eyes drifted back to Mr. Maes. Lucas was talking about lighter settings now, but his voice was growing increasingly muffled as the seconds stretched on. Lucas could feel his mind working, mentally sketching the scene in front of him—Mr. Maes enthusiastically talking about the various types of lighting. Normally, Lucas was always attentive during this class—as mentioned previously, it was his favorite class—but his mind continuing to wander was frustrating, to say the least. 

His dad had to message him before his class, didn’t he?

There was a tap on his shoulder, jolting him out of his thoughts. Glancing around the room, Lucas realized that their class had been dismissed and Mr. Maes was conversing with several students who lingered. Lucas felt his cheeks flush, his thoughts returning to his head, as he tried to shove them away. 

Eager for a distraction, Lucas turned to the person who broke him from his trance. His classmate, and friend of about a month, was standing beside him with his leather jacket thrown over his shoulder. Sander Driesen was shorter than Lucas with short brown hair that was growing out. He always wore some sort of graphic t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans and Doc Martens. His Instagram was covered with pictures of him with bleach-blond hair—something that Sander insisted was returning as soon as his hair grew out again.

While they had bonded in the classroom, Lucas had met Sander two weeks before the semester starting… at their therapist’s office. Once they found out that they went to the same college—and found out they shared a class, they had become close. Sander was taking the class as an elective, but they still collaborated when given the chance. Sander knew about Lucas’s father and the spiral that ended with his diagnosis and his grief over leaving his mother. Lucas knew about Sander’s fascination for spray painting and his diagnosis at the age of sixteen and his artistic muse—his boyfriend who had hair that curled when it was too long.

A week ago, Lucas learned from his new roommate, Zoë, that Robbe, Sander’s boyfriend, had his room last autumn—but Lucas still hadn’t gotten the chance to physically meet him. Even though Sander had shown him every picture that he had of Robbe. 

Sander stepped out of his way to let Lucas out and they slipped past their professor, who didn’t seem to notice Lucas’s absent mind. But, Sander did, asking as they headed out of the college, “Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah,” Lucas said, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s just my dad being an ass, trying to get me to come home because my mom doesn’t ‘understand’ or whatever.” Sander scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I called her and told her that it was because of my Art History test next Wednesday.” 

“Yeah, those Art History tests can be brutal,” Sander admitted. 

“Thanks for the support.”

“You’re welcome.” 

As they stepped outside of the building, the sunlight shined down upon them. On most days, the sun was energizing and bright. But, today, it felt daunting and tiring to Lucas. It might’ve been his text messages with his father, but the fact he got little sleep wasn’t helping matters. His cousin was… loud and Lucas didn’t have noise-canceling headphones like Zoë had acquired. Before Sander stepped away, Lucas asked, “What are your plans for the day?”

“Robbe and I are going out to dinner with some of his friends,” Sander said. “What about you? Did you want to come?” 

“No, thank you though. I can’t today. I’m going to buy noise-canceling headphones and study some more for that brutal Art History test,” Lucas said. 

“Milan?” Sander asked, grimacing. Lucas fervently nodded his head and Sander chuckled. “Maybe, one of these days, you can get him back someday.” 

“I doubt it,” Lucas said. There was a flash of movement over Sander’s shoulder and Lucas’s eyes found it immediately. A person was running in their direction—or more specifically at them—with curly brown hair and a face that Lucas knew intimately for someone he never physically met. Before Lucas could even form a warning to Sander, Robbe was jumping onto his friend’s back. The force had nearly knocked Sander over and Lucas moved to help

Sander quickly found his balance, gripping onto Robbe’s thighs like a lifeline to keep him stable. The leather jacket that Sander held in his hand had hit the pavement and Lucas bent down to pick it up. His boyfriend’s legs were wrapped tightly around his waist and his arms bound around his shoulders. As Robbe pressed kisses against his boyfriend’s cheek, Sander exhaled, relaxing, “For fuck’s sake, baby, don’t do that.” 

“Sorry,” Robbe said, giggling with a wide grin on his face. Sander reached out his hand to Lucas, making a grabbing motion for the leather jacket, and he handed it over without hesitation. As if noticing Lucas for the first time, Robbe glanced over at Lucas. “Oh, you must be Lucas, right? I’m Robbe.”

Lucas chuckled, glancing at Sander. “Yeah, I know who you are.” 

“What do you mean?” Robbe asked. “I’ve never met—” There was a look of realization on his face and his cheeks flushed instant. Immediately, Robbe turned shy, burying his face in the crook of Sander’s neck. Lucas was barely able to hear a muffled, “That’s so embarrassing.” 

Sander chuckled. “Don’t worry, I only showed him the PG sketches.”

Robbe pulled himself from Sander’s neck to say. “And that’s supposed to make me feel better?!” 

“Woah,” Lucas said. He waved his arms as though he could somehow block out the newfound information tainting his mind. He covered his ears and took a step back away from the couple. “That’s too much information.” Still holding Robbe on his back, Sander nearly doubled over in laughter and Robbe gripped onto him tighter. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Sander. If I can even look you in the eye anymore.”

“You’ll understand one day,” Sander said, moving in the way Robbe had come. He lifted Robbe a little higher on his back as they walked away. “Goodbye, Lucas! I hope your dad stops being an ass and you study for your test!” 

“Thanks,” Lucas said. “I’ll do my best. Nice to officially meet you, Robbe!” 

“You too!”

Sander turned away, taking Robbe with him. Lucas watched the happy couple moved away from the school intertwined and holding onto each other. Robbe was still high on Sander’s back, clinging to him like a koala, and his face buried into Sander’s neck. The two of them looked so happy and proud, intertwined with one another so easily and simply. Lucas felt a sense of longing flash briefly in his chest as he watched their retreating forms.

Lucas moved in the opposite direction. His mind was already marking the path to the video store to buy a pair of the best noise-canceling headphones. As he pivoted to leave, his eyes caught sight of Sander and Robbe with someone else and—for whatever reason—Lucas halted to a stop without having gone too far away from his original destination. 

There was a tall guy was walking up to Sander and Robbe. Behind him, two guys were chatting loudly but Lucas couldn’t hear him—and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the guy in the center. The guy in question was taller than all of his friends, but his shoulders were slumped a little. Even though he had a maroon hoodie over his head, Lucas could tell that his hair was a jet black. Lucas could see his sharp jaw and the upturn of his lips as he teased Sander and Robbe.

He was beau—

Lucas cut off his thoughts, abruptly turning around. 

Lucas’s brain was screaming at him to turn around, to make up some excuse as to why he can join, simply to find out the name of the beau—no, the man there. But, Lucas knew that he couldn’t. It wouldn’t make any sense for him to change his mind now. Forcing one foot to move in front of the other, forcing himself away from the guy that had captured his attention, Lucas swallowed deeply as he tried to keep his thoughts even. 

Lucas had never been like that before. 

It wouldn’t make sense for him to be like that now. 

But, as he turned the corner, Lucas snuck a glance back to him—just to see the guy smile dazzlingly at Robbe and Sander.

...

Note: There was supposed to be a second part of this from Jens’ POV a few weeks later where Jens would actually meet him, but I wasn’t able to get it on time. I hope you enjoy this section and maybe I’ll do Jens’ POV after Jij Verliest ends?

[ababybiter]

jungkook x y/n, besties to besties with benefits, a lot of texting, smut, fluff and college life, oh and lets pretend V wasn’t born in the christmas holidays

part 1/??

[00:19am] jungkook: please help me

{00:19am} jungkook: i don’t know what to get tae for his birthday

{00:23am} jungkook: Y/N!!!!!!!!!!

{00:25am} y/n: jungkook

{00:25am} y/n: his birthday is literally 5 days away

{00:26am} y/n: why are u like this

Truth be told, you weren't that surprised. Your best friend Jungkook was a novice at putting in effort for his friends birthdays and you were wholeheartedly used to that fact. The stress of finding something for your other best friend’s birthday on Friday was stressful enough for you, let alone the inevitable pleas of Jungkook’s text messages on Sunday evening coming through were enough to send you over the edge.

{00:28am} jungkook: TECHNICALLY it’s 6 days away...

You roll your eyes as you lay on your back, snuggled up under your duvet. You glance at your bedroom door, thinking of your roommate and close friend Nina. As Taehyung’s girlfriend, you wondered what sort of gift she bought for him.

{00:29am} y/n: You know I struggled myself! Have you asked Nina?

{00:29am} jungkook: NO she’ll hate me for leaving it so late D:

{00:29am} jungkook: I’ve been at my computer for ages. mY desperation has led me to WISH.COM

{00:30am} y/n: no she won’t but i get you

{00:30am] y/n: get off wish u idiot

{00:30am} y/n: shall we go shopping on wednesday? I’ll help you find something

You rub your eyes, unable to even pretend to think of gift ideas right now. You turn off your bedside lamp, your eyes straining in the dark as you thank the lords for your 1pm lecture tomorrow. It’s then that you remember Jungkook has an early morning class.

{00:35am} jungkook: YOU’RE THE BEST!!!!

{00:36am} y/n: you should be asleep kook

{00:37am} jungkook: i know i’ll get there

{00:37am} jungkook: can’t sleep rn

{00:37am} y/n: why? gift stress?

{00:38am} jungkook: lol, idk just can’t 

{00:38am} jungkook:

You?

You roll over in the dark, trying to ignore the weird feeling in your stomach.

{00:39am} y/n: I have a late class tomorrow

{00:39am} y/n: YOU however sir do not

{00:39am} y/n: plus you’ve not been getting enough sleep lately, you need to sort out your pattern or you’ll be grumpy for V’s birthday :)

{00:40am} jungkook: i got it covered, just wanted to sort out a gift plan first

{00:40am} y/n: got it covered?

{00:41am} jungkook: I can make myself tired lol, dw <3

{00:42am} y/n: you gonna knock yourself out? LOOOL :(

{00:43am} jungkook: no y/n 

{00:43am} jungkook: 0.o

Oh. Oh.

You clench your thighs together, suddenly in the mood to do that too. 

No, what the fuck, no. That would be weird...touching yourself knowing that your best friend was doing the same. It would be weird...right?

Although it was Jeon Jungkook, you can’t deny that you’ve thought about him, accidentally of course, during your alone times. It was a secret you wouldn’t even admit to yourself let alone him or anyone else. 

It was clearly just the dry spell talking. Your last boyfriend was well over a year ago and Jungkook was a guy. A hot guy. It’s probably normal to fantasise about him.

Except you didn’t fantasise about Tae, or Yoongi, or any of your other male friends. The thought alone sent a different feeling to your stomach, these were your FRIENDS. Practically your brothers.

So why was Jungkook any different?

{00:47am} jungkook: you still there? 

{00:49am} jungkook: don’t pretend like you don’t do it too.

Was this still friendly territory? The full stop in his last text did something to your lower stomach.

Okay, now you’re being weird. You start typing tentatively.

{00:50am} y/n: I mean yeah, who doesn’t?

{00:51am} jungkook: Do you miss sex?

{00:51am} y/n: amongst other things, yes

{00:52am} jungkook: Such as?

Butterflies dance in your stomach as you type your next words, this was brand new territory for you and Jungkook. You wouldn’t even talk about this stuff with Nina...

{00:53am} y/n: I miss being eaten out

Your fingers dance over the screen as you wait for his response. You close and shut the app quickly before reopening it. 

{00:53am} jungkook: mhm

That’s it? Your cheeks redden in the darkness of your room as you shuffle your legs under the covers. 

{00:54am} y/n: I should sleep, it’s getting pretty late for me now

{00:55am} jungkook: okay, yeah sure

You’re about to lock your phone and throw it to the other side of your bed when it buzzes one more time.

{00:57am} jungkook: But are you tired?

{00:59am} y/n: I...am getting there. Why?

{1:00am} jungkook: we could help each other out?

{1:00am} y/n: how?

Jeez, how are you already wet? The excitement of talking to Jungkook like this was too much, clearly. You were 99% sure he was insinuating what you thought he was. But it had been a long time since you sexted, it also wasn’t something you and your ex had done much throughout the relationship.

{1:02am} jungkook: I like talking to you like this. I want to hear what else you like.

{1:02am} jungkook: let’s make each other tired

{1:02am} y/n: jeon!!!! you wanna sext?

{1:02am} jungkook: you made me horny y/n!

{1:03am} y/n: that was alllllll you jk! horny mf

Jungkook reads your message. The absence of the speech bubble appearing makes you stomach twist. Your phone goes dark waiting for it to appear. As much as you reprimanded him for his boyish behaviour, something in you wanted it to continue. But you probably blew it by being so whiney. Fuck. You didn’t know you wanted to sext Jungkook so bad.

And then.

{jungkook: Attachment 1 image}

You hesitate, before sliding open the chat. He’s laying in bed, the phone angled down at this legs in his black sweat pants. His thighs pressed close together in the tight yet stretchy material, his dick protrudes up from under the trousers, casting a dark shadow over his stomach. You know right there and then that this boy’s nudes would look like art.

{1:08am} jungkook: let’s help each other out

{1:08am} jungkook: this is what thinking about you did to me

{1:09am} jungkook: tell me if you want me to stop

You stare at the messages on your phone, fingers hovering over the keys, your instinct to explode your feelings into capital letters and ask him what’s happening. Because that’s how honest you too are...so I guess it’s normal to be this honest too.

You fling the duvet off and swing your legs out of bed. Your heart hammers in your chest as you kneel in front of the mirror, not really thinking with your brain right now. You pull off the baggy t-shirt that floats around your torso, leaving you in your underwear. You place a hand over your breasts, hiding your nipples in a seductive fashion, before using your other hand to snap a photo, hiding half of your heated face with the phone.

Before you can talk yourself out of it, you press send.

You squeal, throwing your phone face down on bed, hoping you didn’t wake Nina up. The last thing you needed was for her to come bursting in to your room right now.

{1:13am} jungkook: holy shit

{1:13am} jungkook: you’re so hot

{1:13am} jungkook: i’m so hard for you

{1:13am} jungkook: wow

You climb quickly back into bed, his words sending electric waves to your core.

{1:14am} y/n: shall I touch myself?

{1:14am} jungkook: fuk yes

{1:14am} jungkook: i can use this picture right?

{1:14am} y/n: that's why i sent it kook :’)

{1:15am} jungkook: right okay haa good

{1:15am} jungkook

: holy wow

You try not to giggle at his cuteness, when his next message makes you gasp.

{1:16am} jungkook: god i wanna taste you

That was all it took to get your hand to work. More dirty words are exchanged, both of you sweating and misspelling, as you both get yourselves off to each other.

{1:26am} y/n: jungkook i’m gonna cum

{1:27am} jungkook: shit y/n me too

{1:27am} jungkook: fucck

Your orgasm washes over you. Your eyes flutter shut as you imagine Jungkook’s lips on your pussy, his body on top of you, the look on his face as he comes. You wonder if he’s loud in bed. If he’s moaning right now.

{1:30am} y/n: That was so fun.

{1:30am} jungkook: jesus. yes it was

{1:31am} y/n: maybe we can do it in person some time?

{1:37am} jungkook: yeah?

{1:37am} y/n: yeah, i guess i really have missed this stuff

{1:37am} y/n: wanna be friends with benefits?

{1:40am} jungkook: Is that what you want?

{1:40am} y/n: i think it sounds fun, what about you? are you down?

{1:41am} jungkook: mhm yes i’m down :)

Your newly found post orgasm confidence delegated some rules over text to Jungkook, which he easily agreed on. The main one being that should the opportunity arise to be physically imitate with each other, the two of you would be exclusive, and let the other person know if they were interested in being sexual with someone else. To which the arrangement would stop.

And under no circumstances, would it come between your friendship.

The two of you had been best friends for over 2 years now, meeting through Taehyung at college party. You didn’t even think about seeing him face to face after the occurrences of last night and what the ‘vibe’ would be, as Nina might say. In fact, it still hadn’t fully settled in that you had sexted Jungkook last night. As you left your apartment just after 12 to get some lunch before your lecture, it had felt like a hazy hot dream.

{GROUPCHAT: 1 new message}

{12:14am} V: anyone on campus ??? I bought too much food from the cafe. Need to share. Heading to the field if anyone wants to eat with me!

You type with two hands as you walk quickly onto campus.

{12:14am}: y/n: I’m almost at the field!

{12:14am} jungkook: I’m at the field now, just finished my jog

You stare at the message that popped up at the same time as yours. Butterflies fill your stomach again at the thought of seeing Jungkook in the flesh after the filthy wishes that were shared between the two of you less than 12 hours ago.

You look up as you reach the grass. Laying down on the green, propped up on his lower arms is the man is your best friend and new sexting buddy Jeon Jungkook. His fluffy black hair is pushed back with a sweat band that you’re sure belongs to Yoongi. The arms of his long sleeved black sweat shirt is rolled up to his elbows, and your eyes fall to his black jogging bottoms. You’re sure they’re a different pair, but the photo he sent you last night burns in your mind and you feel a familiar warmth down below.

Before you reach him, Taehyung appears, slinging down a grocery bag on the grass to which Jungkook leans forward and peers into, flicking his sweaty hair out of his eyes.

“Hey, Y/N!” Tae lifts a hand. “You know you two were the ones I was expecting to accept free food at the speed of light.”

“Hi guys.” You fall to your knees on the soft grass, dropping your bag beside you.

Jungkook’s eyes flicker over you before he meets your gaze. “Hey.” A shy smile ghosts his lips before he opens a packet of Doritos.

“Do you know if Nina got up in time for work?” Tae asks.

“Yeah, she was gone long before me.” You smile, focusing your attention on V.

“So is she not quitting the barista job then?” Jungkook sits up, shoving crisps into his mouth.

“No, she there’s no where else she can work where they’ll let her do the hours she wants.” V explains.

“Yeah, lucky bitch only has classes two days a week.” You scoff. “I should have taken politics.”

“Except one of those days is Friday.” He sighs, pulling out a sandwich and passing it to you. “Guess I’ll be high and dry on my birthday.”

“She’s not coming to your party Friday night?” Jungkook scrunches up the crisp packet noisily.

“Oh yeah she is, but I won’t see her until then, and if I’m not smashed, Nina will be, so...no birthday fuck for me.” He sighs wistfully. “Not one I’d remember anyway.”

Usually this sort of statement from Tae would breeze over you, but your hands become hot and you notice Jungkook swallow and cough. You wonder if he regrets the arrangement you agreed upon last night. You desperately needed to talk about this in person.

“So, um, why do you have so much food?” You open the packet, shoving the bread into your mouth.

“They were doing some deals at the cafe.” V munches. “Oh, to be a student.”

Suddenly, Jungkook stands.

“I’m gonna go get cleaned up, enjoy your lunch guys.” He pats you on the head as he goes. “See you Wednesday, Y/N.”

You bristle at the friendly gesture, again something you wouldn’t have previously batted an eye at, but given the nature of your current situation it seemed...unnatural.

“What you doing Wednesday?” Taehyung asks through a mouthful of baguette.

“Oh, uh, just...meeting up.” You stammer, your eyes following Jungkook’s legs as they head towards the path.

“Hmm.” Taehyung smirks, drinking from his water bottle. “Just meeting up, huh.”

“What?” You snap your head towards him.

“You can’t fool me, Y/N.”

Oh god, you couldn’t be talking about this with Tae before you’d even had a chance to talk about it with Jungkook. How did he know anyway? Were the two of you really being that awkward?

“How-...what?” You blush.

“It’s something to do with my birthday isn’t it?” He grins.

You desperately try to hide your expression of relief and replace it with playfulness. You force yourself to roll your eyes. “Brat.”

After a day and a half of classes, you’re glad to have your mind preoccupied with no more awkward run ins with Jungkook, since your classes were held on opposite sides of the campus. Wednesday morning rolls around, and you’re surprised that he texts you first.

{10:54am} jungkook: Heeey my favourite creative gift giver

You blink at his confidence, baring in mind the previous conversation of your ‘benefit’s’ were floating above his latest text.

You walk into the kitchen, a smile on your face as you type out a reply.

{10:55am} y/n: You’re lucky you get me to leave the house on my day off :P

“Morning!” Nina beams at you, shoving fruit into her smoothie maker. You smile back at her, wishing you were as put together as she was. It makes sense she had a bunch of guys fawning for her attention before she and V got together. It’s even cuter knowing that she dodged them all to be with our lovely Taehyung.

{10:56am} jungkook: you can’t resist the kook ;)

Your bite on your fingernails, staring bewildered at the boy texting you. It felt like someone else was using Jungkook’s phone, his flirtation over text confusing you to no end, whilst his shy demeanour in person suggested he had a split personality. And still, how this was all wrapped up in your best friend of over 2 years you’ll never be able to believe it.

Still, ignoring your nerves, you were looking forward to seeing him properly. To shake off this high school cyber flirt situation.

“Who’s the guy?” Nina slams her hands down on the counter separating the two of you.

“What?” You jump.

“Who’s the guy that’s got you blushing and smiling at your phone like a love sick puppy?” Nina’s eyes sparkle.

You sigh. Since dating Taehyung, Nina had become more interested in your love life, constantly wanting you on the same level as her. She’d also become much more intuitive, to your dismay.

But this was Nina, and you couldn’t hide anything from her. Plus, you needed her deep and thoughtful opinions.

“Wait, so, you haven’t even SPOKEN about it yet?” Nina looks gobsmacked as she keeps missing her mouth with her smoothie straw.

“No! It happened on Sunday night, and we’ve both had classes.” You glance down at your phone, the latest message from Jungkook on the screen, saying he’ll meet you outside your apartment at 12:30.

“Damn...you and jungkook...who’d have thought.” Nina taps her glass.

“He’s seen my boobs Nina!” You exclaim, shoving a left over banana from Nina’s smoothie making into your mouth.

“I bet he’d love to see that.” Nina makes a square with both her thumbs and forefingers, capturing the erotic display in front of her.

“God, you’re spending too much time with V.” You roll your eyes, chomping loudly.

“And you’re spending too much time with Jungkook!” Nina points. “Close your mouth!”

You pout chewing quietly, as you pick up your phone.

“Shit! Nina, how long have we been sitting here, I have to get ready.”

“Wow!” Nina laughs as you leap away from the counter to your bedroom. “Anyone would think you’re going on a date!”

She ducks, missing the banana skin as it hurls over her head.

Nina’s words get to you. Why did you care what you looked like? It’s not like you’ve never hung out with your best friend before. No. You knew why. It’s because it wasn’t just Nina’s words that got to you.

‘You’re so hot.’

You hadn’t even thought if Jungkook had ever found you attractive or not. It was a low grade compliment that you so guilty enjoyed. You wonder if he found you hot every day, when you ate together, played video games together, when you attended the same parties did he ever look at you in your short skirts and think...

“Hey, Y/N.”

Your weird and wild thoughts are cut short by the man himself. Jungkook approaches you as you lean against the wall of your accommodation building. He stops in front of you, his eyes scanning your previously distracted face. Did he always stand this close?

“Ready to go?”

Together you drive the short journey to the mall. You discuss gift ideas as Jungkook watches the road, whilst you try not to watch his hands.

He parks the car in the underground parking lot and unbuckles his belt quickly. You sigh. Unlike him, YOU can’t go the whole day without talking about IT.

“Jungkook.” You start, your voice dropping an octave.

He freezes like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t. “Y/N.”

“Do you still...about the other night, um...” You mentally kick yourself, wishing you’d prepared what you were going to say before you said it. “I had fun...is what I’m trying to say.”

“So did I.” He smiles. “A lot of fun.”

“Good. Me too. Are you still...down?” You meet his gaze, wishing you weren't having this conversation at such a close proximity.

“Yeah.” He catches his lip for a moment in between his teeth and you swear you almost stop breathing. He glances over your face. “Sorry, down to...?”

You smack his arm lightly. “You know...down to get down.” You wiggle your eyebrows before regretting it instantly. “Ahem, down to be friends with benefits.”

He gazes at you, his eyes darkening. “Is that what you want?”

Why does he keep asking that? Of course you want it! You wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise.

“Yeah.” You tell him. “I don’t wanna be one of those crazy uptight people that need to get laid.”

He breathes air out of his nose. “We wouldn’t want that would we?” He smirks, leaning closer to you until his breath is fanning your lips. “I think we know our first order of business.”

“Mhm?” You mumble, trying to still calm your breathing as you stare at his wet lips that he just licked, purposefully. His hand slides around to your back.

Suddenly there’s a click as he undoes your seatbelt.

“Find a birthday present for Taehyung!” He pulls away and opens his car door.

You let out a breath. Jeon Jungkook.

Shopping was taking longer than expected. It was hard to find something that didn’t scream ‘happy birthday, I just bought this from the mall 2 days ago!’. Jungkook wasn’t making it any easier, he was more interested embracing the role of the best friend with benefits.

“Hey, wanna take a look in here?” He throws an arm around you, nudging you towards the lingerie store.

“Jungkook I’m here to help you find a present for Taehyung. Have you forgotten that I’ve already got something to give him?”

“Okay okay, I’m just saying. I’d definitely want to see you in that.” He points to a black lace plunge bodysuit worn by mannequin. 

“Mhm, yeah?” You lower your voice, drawing his attention back to you. “Well, you said first order of business was to find a birthday present for Tae, so that’s what we’re doing right now.”

He smirks down at you. “Fine. What do you suggest?”

“I have an idea.” You tug on his hand a few stores down. “You should get him a whole new outfit. He’s always telling you how much he loves your style!”

“Yeah, that would be cool.” He smiles. “See, this is why I needed your help! You’re good with this stuff!”

“Come on!”

Excitedly, the two of you begin picking out clothes you both like and that you think V will love. Eventually you come up with a handful of shirts, trousers, jackets and shoes.

“Okay, now we gotta put them into outfits and choose which one we like the best.” Jungkook dumps the clothes on a seating area, the mall is quiet today. Most people are at work or college on a weekday, leaving the seating areas open to have clothes dumped upon.

“Kook, you can’t choose like this. You need to try them on. You guys are like the same size.”

“Ah, really?” He groans. “I’m too hungry for this.”

“We’ll get food after this.” You pick up the clothes and shove them into his chest. “Go.” You nod to the changing rooms.

He carries the items to the changing rooms, you follow along behind, letting your hand feel the mens clothes hung up on the racks as you pass.

“Hey, uh, got a few items here.” Jungkook shrugs to the college aged boy behind the changing room desk.

The guy barely looks up from his phone as he nods Jungkook down the hallway to the changing rooms. You stay behind, pulling out your phone.

{13:23pm} nina bean!: Hey?! How’s it going ;) x

{13:35pm} y/n: Fine lol, I don’t know what you think is happening at the MALL x

You wait for her reply, your eyes falling to the ground by the desk, where a crumpled up t-shirt lies. You stoop forward to pick it up, and it’s only your favourite choice out of all the options. There’s no way he’s not trying this one on. The man behind the counter pays no attention as you start down the hallway, the t-shirt in your grasp.

“Jungkook.” You whisper.

Finally, he answers you from the end of the corridor. “Yeah?”

You pull open the curtain and gasp.

“Jesus, Y/N!” Jungkook scrambles to pull any pair of trousers over his bare legs as he stands in his boxers. 

“You said yeah!” You step inside the changing cubicle with him, for a reason you can’t think of, closing the curtain behind you from the inside.

“Yeah doesn’t mean ‘whip open the curtain for anyone to see!’” He sits down on the small bench.

“Oh chill out, there’s literally no one here today.” You hold up the shirt, standing in front of him. “You dropped this.”

He takes the shirt, opening it up to inspect it with large curiosity. His cheeks crimson. You chuckle quietly. “You know, you’ll have to get used to me seeing you naked right?”

His eyebrows flick upwards as he hides a shy smile. “Right.”

It seems awkward Jungkook has returned. Unbeknownst to you, the idea of being intimate with you already sent his heart rate through the roof. Realising the idea goes beyond hypothetical advances and flirtatious jokes was enough give Jungkook a heart attack.

It was only then that the thought occurred to you, maybe you had wanted this kind of relationship with him for a long time, and maybe he had too.

As you ponder this revelation, your eyes drop to a new piece of art on his shoulder. 

“Hey.” Your fingers reach out before you can stop them, brushing the inked skin. “You got a new tattoo?”

He shivers under your touch, staring up at you, as if he doesn’t know what you’ll do next. His fingers reach out, before he can stop them, and pull you closer by your jean belt hoop. “Like it?”

“Love it.” You whisper, drawing around the outline with your nail. He hisses.

You clear your throat and back off. “I’ll be outside when you’re done.”

Jungkook stands up, keeping the close proximity as he backs you into the wall of the cubicle. “Promise me something, Y/N.” He murmurs, tracing your jawline with his finger.

“What, kook?”

“I’ll always have you. No matter what.”

“Of course cringe ball.” You whisper.

He smiles then, relieving some of the tension in the air. His smile is infectious, you giggle back at him. When he looks at your lips, his smile fades, and your heart pounds in your ears. You can hear his shaky breath as he leans in, so slowly that it’s almost unnoticeable. Painfully slow. He stops, a hair away from your lips as they part.

“Kook-” You murmur.

At the sound of his nickname he wastes no more time. Bringing his lips to yours eagerly, one hand caressing your jaw whilst other rests above your hip. The kiss is passionate, his thigh pokes in between yours in an attempt to get as close to you as possible. You grant access to his tongue as it shyly asks for permission against your teeth. The feeling of your tongue against his seems to spur him on. He whimpers into your mouth, pressing his crotch against yours. You catch your breath as his mouth leaves yours, only to trail kisses along your jaw and down your neck. “Kook...” You moan softly as he moves your top strap and sucks on your collarbone.

“Mmm?” He moves back to your mouth, kissing you deeply.

“We have to...choose...an outfit...” You breath in between kisses.

“Mmm, I know.” He pulls away from your lips, touching them with his finger. Then he steps back and grabs an outfit, including the t-shirt you chose. “I’ve chosen.”

“Did you try them on?”

“All except this.” He pulls the shirt over his head and looks in the mirror. “It’s fine. It’ll fit.” He pulls it back off and smirks when he catches you staring. He leans forward and kisses you on the nose. “Let’s go eat.”

You pick up the discarded clothes to return and he starts to help you. “That was hot.” He throws a smile in your direction.

“Don’t tell me you’ve got a kink for public places I didn’t know about?” You raise an eyebrow.

“I guess you’ll find out all about my kinks.” He winks, pulling open the curtain. 

As you both leave the store with outfit for Taehyung, you check your phone.

{13:40pm} nina bean!: You tell me ;) x

Something tells you, you will.

After a full day of classes on Thursday, you and Nina meet and walk home together. She’s completely invested in your friendly sexual adventures, but decides to broach a different type of question.

“Did you always know you wanted Jungkook?”

“I didn’t always want him.” You correct her. “I always knew he was cute...well, more than cute, but who didn't? He’s been a great friend to me since we met...we’re just helping each other out.”

“Y/N, you just made out with your best friend, who was TOPLESS, let’s not forget. IN A CHANGING ROOM STALL. You’re telling me there was no spark? No passion? No...”

“I didn’t say that.” You hide a smirk as Nina squeals beside you, tugging your arm. 

“Oh yes! I can’t wait till you start dating. I can FINALLY double date with my bestie. There’s so many couples date ideas I want to try out with the four of us-”

“Who said I want to be in a couple?!” You gesture wildly. 

“Well what DO you say, Y/N? You just admitted that there was a spark.”

“There can be a spark in my situation.” You protest. “It passionate because it’s fun. I think he’s hot, he thinks I’m hot. We’re already comfortable with each other. It’s the perfect match.”

“Perfect match.” Nina pokes you.

“Nina! Are you not familiar with the term ‘FRIENDS with benefits’?”

“Yes, I am familiar.” Nina snaps. “Very familiar, actually.”

“Oh?” You raise an eyebrow. It was a rare occurrence that you found something out about Nina that you didn’t already know.

“Oh, indeed.” She nods. “It was a disaster. I fell for him stupidly fast, and then he told me he was getting back with his ex and that was that. He’d been thinking of HER the entire time. Point is, it’s better to stick to the generic way of dating in this day and age, so you KNOW where his head is at. Trust me.”

“Yeah well, Jungkook is my best friend, he’s not thinking of anyone.” You tell her. 

“I know!” She nods. “Sorry. I don’t want to worry you. I just want you to be happy, like I am.”

“I am perfectly happy with my current relationship with Jungkook.” You reassure her.

She smiles, her eyes lighting up once the two of you reach your accommodation. “V!” She exclaims.

“Hey!” V holds a small bunch of flowers as he wraps his arms around his girlfriend. 

“What’s this? I thought I wasn’t seeing you until your party.” Nina blinks up at him.

“Yeah, about that. I wanted an afternoon with my girl before we get shit faced drunk with our friends. I’m taking you out to dinner.”

“V, you’re so cute!” Nina gasps. “I’m suppose to be spoiling you this week!”

“Hey, Y/N!” V ruffles your hair. “Mind if I steal your roommate?”

“Not at all.” You laugh.

“Oh, V, I’m not exactly ready for a dinner date.” Nina cups her own cheeks self consciously.

“You’re gorgeous.” He taps her nose. “Don’t be silly.”

Nina turns to you with the flowers in her grasp. “Can you put these in some water for me?”

“Sure.” You smile.

You watch them skip away, thoughts swirling. You couldn’t imagine Jungkook making a gesture like that. To another girl, yes, but to you? 

Who knows what you wanted anymore.

After dropping your bag on your bedroom floor, you decide to take a long hot shower. You step out to see a flash on your phone. 4 memes from Jungkook.

{16:44} y/n: thanks for the meme spam :’)

{16:45} jungkook: I should probably stop sitting in my towel scrolling through memes and get dressed lol I'm so relatable

{16:45} y/n: LMAO I’M DOING THE SAME THING RN

{16:45} jungkook: proof

Here comes that excitement in your stomach again, who cares if you weren’t in a proper relationship? Who cares if Jungkook’s feelings weren’t as intense as yours? Your relationship now was exhilarating. 

You let the towel drop from your body and glance at the mirror, your figure blurry with steam from the glass, but there’s enough to see what he wants to see, whilst leaving more to the imagination.

Snap.

You send the photo and put on a pair of shorts and t-shirt, climbing into bed. The exhaustion of a day full of absorbing information comes crashing down.

{16:48} jungkook: fuck that’s sexy

{16:48} jungkook: wanna see me?

{16:48} y/n: yes please

{jungkook: Attachment 1 image}

You were right. This boy knows how to take nudes. He holds his dick in one hand, the camera settled into selfie mode to show his v line and tense stomach. You gasp quietly at how big he is. He sits on the side of the bath, his towel discarded beside him.

You move your panties aside and start rubbing in slow circles at the sight of him.

{16:50} y/n: i’m touching myself

{16:50} y/n: wow you’re so hard already

{16:50} jungkook: that’s what you do to me baby

{16:51} y/n: i want to send you something else

{16:51} jungkook: ?

You video yourself, sliding your finger up and down your clit, drawing the slick up to your stomach. You send it to him, giddy as a school girl. 

{16:52} jungkook: fuck

{16:52} jungkook: stop y/n

You feel your face heat up at his request. Was it too much? You look down at your pussy self consciously.

{16:53} jungkook: Can I come over?

You say yes.

Jungkook’s accommodation is a ten to fifteen walk away. You change into a thin vest top and sexier gym shorts despite the cold weather. You stand in front of the mirror, overthinking as per usual. Was it too try hard? He’s seen you in what you normally wear to chill and snack in after a day of classes, this was clearly for him. 

But you kind of liked that.

-

hi!!!! this is my first time writing in about 5 years o.O thanks for reading!!! i’m weak for best friend jungkook imagines so I thought i’d try and make one. LEMME KNOW IF YOU WANT A PART 2. 

<3 

[5sosbitchfest]

Alrighty, Nonsters.  We currently have 290 Asks in our box!  As much as we might try, I know there is NO WAY we’re going to be able to get through all of them.  Everything exploded this weekend when MessyGate went down!   I don’t want to ignore any asks just because I already answered a similar one.  So, I’ve tried to gather as many similar Asks as possible to let your your voices be heard.  Y’all are definitely NOT alone in your feelings.  Get ready for a lot of opinions on Messy’s Twitter Drama.  

Also, if you sent in an Ask and we haven’t answered it yet, please feel free to resubmit it!  I do try to scroll through all of them but it is a daunting task and personal stuff and work make it difficult for me to get through everything in a timely manner!

********************************

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I’m really disappointed in Luke and this band in general, the way they deal with things. “honest policy” with messy? So he knew all of this and it was okay? Or he confronted her on this and he is okay with what she has done? I’m not sure this whole thing would be a deal breaker for me, but it certainly would make me real mad at my SO and some whiny excuses wouldn’t be enough to make things alright. Radio silence would’ve been much better than that story he posted, made himself look like a fool.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: These girls will sooner or later become their downfall if their management or them does not realise they should rely on other things than bringing relationship up front to sell their music. I find it extremely bad that they are behaving as if nothing happened, I hope there will be changes once touring will be possible again and we won’t see these girls tagging along everywhere or being brought up in interviews all the time but somehow I’m not counting too much on that.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I wonder if Luke knows everything that Messy got exposed for or just the parts Messy wanted to show him. Bc Luke said in his Story that he wasn't online lately so maybe he wasn't on Twitter too and Messy just showed him the parts that make her look good and he still doesn't know that she spoke bad about Ashton or how she stalked the fans also after she knew that they didn't hack his email adress cause he wasn't on Twitter so he couldn't see the screenshots.🤷‍♀️

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm just waiting for the day one of them date someone who isn't a part of their circle. tired of them passing around the same toxic girls.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: These girls are just digging a whole for these guys and they want be able to get out of it soon

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: It was a chicken move for Sierra to do it as a reply and no one has talked on twitter that she deleted it because they probably think her deleting it is saying it wasn’t true

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Am I the only one who thinks that guys really only heavily interact with us when they want to promote something or say something about the music? I do understand they have lives so being on Twitter isn't number one priority and with all the drama that surrounds this fandom its very easy to not want to be online a lot, I just can't help but feel that way

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm talking about this messy situation (no pun intended) with my friend and she said to me that Messy should consider changing her career if she can't handle that not all people are going to like her. (that ofc doesn't include any form of harassment bc that's not cool)

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I really don't know how to feel about the Luke situation. At first I was upset and disappointed of Luke but now I almost pity him bc real or not either the management would want Luke to defend her or Messy. And I think Luke isn't the kind of person who would stand up against the management or Messy (even though it would probably be better for him if he would). And most people don't realise when they're in a toxic relationship so I can't really blame him. I just hope this ends asap.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I literally was so angry and frustrated with Luke and this whole situation yesterday that I couldn’t even look at him on my home screen, I had to change it. It’s really a disappointing thing to witness. Whether management put him up to this or he genuinely believes this toxicity is okay, I’m just very grumpy with him at the moment. He deserves better and WE (the fans) deserve better.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I think Luke really needs to be in a relationship with sb who either isn't famous and doesn't want to be or with someone who is famous bc they have a successful career too and who doesn't need Like to be famous.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I’ve only seen a few accounts on Twitter who are attacking Messy and Crusty to the core and exposing every bad thing they’ve done with receipts for the sossies defending them! I’m happy that karma is finally getting to those con artist who think they can get away with anything

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: that recent lierra picture is photoshoped lmao. if you look at Sierra's hand you can see color coming off from it and her arm looks hella weird.her forehead looks hella weird and look couldn't have taken the picture because I doubt that he could stretch his arm that far and make a perfect picture. also we haven't even seen Sierra's face so I still don't believe they're together

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: The Lemon pic was like a punch in the face (even though Petunia and Luke are looking cute there). But I've been asking myself lately if Luke has seen the whole drama going around on Twitter or just the posts Messy wanted him to know so the ones who make her look like the victim (and not the ones where she insulted Ashton or she made it clear that she stalked his fans). Cause Luke said he hasn't been online lately.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I mean we dont know how much of the story he truly is aware of and how much s changed to fit her narrative and get L to feel bad for her. Plus he was under pressure from management to do damage control and not standing up for his gf is a very bad look for outsiders who dont understand why she's at fault. It was a pretty neutral statement and he was obviously told to make the post so I dont blame him and just blame her more for putting him in the situation in the 1st place

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I wonder how much toxicity happens behind the scenes, we know S is very manipulative and L is very much a people pleaser so.. and with how much they have to sell their "love" and "happiness" in the relationship. Minipulation is a powerful thing and it could explain why hes out of touch with reality, especially lately since he's isolated with her and doesnt have the voices of the band to raise any concerns and he's been getting skinny again and seems very "meh" rather than happy, idk

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I feel so disconnected with this fandom rn. I feel like no one is streaming CALM and that makes me sad bc it's such an amazing album. The boys aren't even online anymore, everyone is mad at each other and now Luke comes up with this shit... tbh I wish I would wake up tomorrow and see him tweeting something like yeah I'm sorry about my ig story I still love y'all lmao

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Wait wait wait wait ive been gone from the fandom for a little while now and what the fuck is going on with Luke and S? What did S do that she made a fake ass apology for?? I’m so lost please help me! 😂

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm seeing a lot of my mutuals unstanning and I'm just so mad bc Sierra started this drama and got Luke into it and I'm sad that people are leaving bc of this, it's just too much toxicity and it shouldn't affect the band and their connection with the fans but with Luke saying this he makes it seem like he supports the ugly things she does

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I am a Luke stan and I've always loved him bc he has inspired me so much through the years but when he does this things it's like...damn. I feel like he's invalidating the fans' feelings by being like "if you don't like my girlfriend, ur fake" like he has never noticed me on Twitter or anything but my biggest fear is to be blocked by him or just ignored bc I don't like her (although I never expressed it publicly) n yeah anyways :// It feels weird

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Going back and re-reading the DM’s messy literally confirms that she accesses Luke’s account by saying “we couldn’t get in” or some shit like that

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I hate being a luke stan, sometimes it just seems like he doesn't care? he always puts these toxic gfs before the ones who adore him and pay his bills. might just move into Cashton's lane. unproblematic kings.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: He literally posted a picture of him cuddling her and petunia within the hour

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: The saddest part of this situation is it’s like a repeat of Arzaylea. Luke has no idea what a respectful, mature relationship is. We saw it with Arz and were seeing it again it’s just a little bit different. He stays being controlled and manipulated by toxic partners. I really think homeboy needs to be single for a WHILE and focus on himself. He needs to unlearn the things his past and current relationships have taught him about love because if I know anything, it’s that this ain’t real love.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Is it bad that I just want the larzaylea drama back?? Like everyone could at least agree on their feelings then...

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Just checked messy’s insta and of course, everyone that still supports her filled her tagged with just the single picture

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I feel like the reason Sierra is getting away with what she’s done is because she isn’t that known. Like yeah she’s associated with 5sos, but they’re also like not that big which is probably why it’s getting swept under the rug. I’ve only seen the 5SOS fandom calling her out for her actions. If this had happened with a well known celebrity, they probably would’ve been dragged and been trending on Twitter. I might be wrong but I feel like this is what’s happening which is just unfair.

[preface2adreamplay]

Under Your Spell (Part 14) - Morning After You

Summary: A Jared Padalecki/OFC/Oscar Isaac fiction.

Stef is a musician, recently gone solo. Happy with her life as a forever single person until Jared makes it his mission to get close to her. Her ex, Oscar isn’t sure what to make of her new relationship. Should he step in or leave her be? (For the purpose of this fiction, I have liberated some lyrics from various artists and their videos. This is fiction, with real people mentioned.) Married Jared, single Oscar!

Chapter warnings: Cursing

Chapter WC: 1,928

You doubt and you're desperate, you wear both your cross and your hammer.

Reactions to Twin Flames had been better than she could have ever imagined. The distraction of Jared visiting kept her away from the anxieties of releasing another new song. He had left an hour before the bus pulled away, holding her face in his hands, kissing her like he would never see her again. She missed him already. Already pining for him. He felt the same.

As she made her way across state lines, texts were coming through from everybody she knew.

Jared: I miss you so much. I keep watching this video, wishing we were making it all over again.

Stef: Making the video or making love

Jared: Both :) 

Claire: My god, that video is hawt. Brendan misses you, he’s being a douche rn.

Darius: Mom, that video is amazing, I’m glad I didn’t have to see dad doing those things to you though. Warn me if the next one will be that graphic pls.

Oscar: I was not expecting the video to be like that. It’s both beautiful and confusing. 

Stef rolled her eyes. She could just imagine Oscar’s brows furrowed, thinking over the video. 

Stef: It’s past demons coming for me. I’m allowing them to devour me so I am reborn. I thought you’d be happy for me. Growing up and moving on.

Oscar: So happy for you. x

Several messages popped up from Jared while she drank her third coffee that morning.

Fuck

In trouble

They were Paps

Gen angry. 

HELP ME

Stef snorted with laughter. He was really panicking. 

Chill. I’ll put something up on my twitter about us hanging out, it should take some heat off.

Sure enough, it did. Stef had posted a short tweet about Jared coming to NY to celebrate the release of the song. She tagged her bandmates too. Mentioning that she would see her fans at the next show in Pittsburgh. 

Two more shows in Canada, then home. 

Just before she stepped on stage that night, she shot off a text to Jared.

Stef: Everything ok now?

It was hours before he replied. 

Jared: Still in trouble, will call you later.

They were travelling again, hitting the road as soon as the show was finished. They all stank of sweat and beer. Luckily, they were staying in a hotel the next day. Her phone, on silent, flashed with Jared’s name across the screen. Keeping her voice low while the guys slept, she answered, her heart hammering in her chest.

‘Hey.’

‘Hey you,’ his voice just as low as hers.

‘What’s going on?’

‘Oh, just, Gen not happy we got caught. Photos of us on some gossip website. Did you see?’

‘Nah, I don’t care much for them. I didn’t have food on my shirt did I?’

Jared snorted, the tension easing as he laughed. ‘No. Gen showed me the photos but I told her not to look. We were just having lunch.’

‘Well, don’t look at comments on anything right now, it might upset you.’

Jared sighed heavily. ‘I hate that I’m getting in trouble over this. Can’t I just see my girl without someone else putting it out there for everyone to see?’

‘That’s kind of part of the agreement, honey.’ Stef yawned. She couldn’t help herself, her mind and body were achingly tired. 

‘Yeah, but I broke the rules by going to see you.’

‘What rules?’

‘Well, we date other people when I’m away working. And I’m not working right now, I will be in a week or two but yeah, I may not get to see you all too soon. I’m sorry.’

‘What does that mean for us?’ Stef swallowed a lump in her throat.

‘Nothing baby, I just have to put my energy into my family right now. The kids missed me and I missed them. They’ll be back at school soon...’

‘So, I’ll be put on the back burner.’

‘Nah not like that. Come on.’ He pleaded.

‘It is like that. It’s what we signed up for. It’s not like you’re leaving your wife for me, you have to work between the two of us.’

Jared was silent on his end of the phone, it made Stef feel uncomfortable, she really didn’t know how to move forward in the conversation. 

‘If that’s what you still want,’ Stef said, her voice lower that before. Her fingers winding into her hair nervously.

‘I always want you. Never think that I don’t.’ 

‘But you want to take a break from us for a while?’

‘I don’t want to, but it looks like we have to.’ 

It wasn’t final, but it felt like a kick in the gut. 

Stef couldn’t agree to it, couldn’t say yes or no or fight with him. 

‘Stef?’ His voice came through, she could hear his longing. 

‘Yeah, it’s fine.’

‘No, it’s not. It’s not what you wanted. You told me you didn’t want this to be for everyone else, it was just for us and I promised you that. I said it was just for us. I fucked it up.’

‘I wouldn’t take it back though.’ Feeling as though she couldn’t punish him for everyone else’s reaction to it. It seemed so simple all of a sudden. 

‘No I don’t regret a single thing. Maybe I just need to be a little more careful.’

‘We need to be more careful. I don’t want to talk about shit I know nothing about but I hope your wife isn’t too upset about this.’

‘Yeah well. I’ll have to work to get back in the good books.’

‘Good luck with that!’ 

Jared hummed on the other side of the phone. ‘You know what will get me through the next few days? A picture of my girl.’

Stef smiled. ‘Of me now? I look horrid after the show.’

Jared chuckled, ‘Impossible. And send one to me tomorrow too. I need my fix.’

‘Are we talking kinky pictures or...’

‘Well, now that you mention it, the idea is in my head.’ 

Stef bit her lip, curiosity taking over. ‘Maybe I’ll take a sexy picture. You’ll have to wait and see.’

‘Oh, baby don’t make me wait.’

‘He complains! After having me several ways yesterday.’

Jared whimpered. ‘I’m touching myself through my pants right now.’

‘Behave,’ she scolded playfully.

‘I can’t! You make me feel desired.’

‘Hey, can you not quote my lyrics to me!’

Jared started laughing then, feeling the funk of the last few hours draining away. ‘You make me feel so much better about this whole situation.’

‘It’s nothing, Jared. You can move past this. And I’m here until we decide otherwise.’

‘You mean if we decide to break up? Which we’re not.’ Jared pressed, ‘we’re not are we?’

‘No.’ Stef said with finality. 

There was a voice in the background, she heard Jared pulling the phone away from his face. 

‘I gotta go.’

‘Ok, good luck.’ Was all she could say before she heard his weak ‘goodbye.’ 

***

‘Brendan! My little douchebag, you miss me?’ Stef was kneeling on the floor of Claire’s hallway. Brendan was rubbing himself against her legs, annoyed that she had left him and happy that she was back. He couldn’t decide to be excited or just ignore her completely.

‘He was good for most of the time, but he destroyed some shit, as usual!’ Claire spoke to the cat, not Stef. 

Sitting on her back porch in the bright autumn evening, hands around a strong mug of green tea, Stef gagged with each sip. She hated the stuff, but it was all Claire had.

‘So you hear from Richard at all?’ Stef didn’t want to the conversation to get on to Jared. They hadn’t spoken in three days and she missed him desperately. 

‘Yes! Oh my god, we went out last week, that guy is sooooo funny!’ Claire exclaimed. 

‘So, have you fucked him yet?’ Stef asked, remembering Claire asked her the same question about Jared.

‘I did, actually.’

‘And?’

Claire was beaming, ‘that guy is amazing in the sack. He’s amazing anyway.’

‘Woah, Claire. This is starting to sound like love.’

Claire rolled her eyes, ‘maybe. Oh my god. Listen to me.’

‘You’re gushing about a man!’ Stef couldn’t disguise how happy she was for Claire. 

‘I’m seeing him next week too, he’s working on Supernatural so I get to see him and go on set.’

Stef’s heart sank a little, thinking of Claire on set meeting everyone again. Meeting Jared.

Claire nudged her, ‘You’re coming too, you know! I’m not walking on set by myself.’

‘Am I going? Jared hasn’t asked me.’

‘Shush, Richard said he would arrange it with Jared so we can go for dinner. All of us. All the cast, so it won’t look too suspicious for you guys.’

‘That’s nice of him. So he knows about me and Jared?’

‘Yes. And he’s totally cool with it. He said it’s also cool if you want to join us for a threesome.’

‘Oh tell him yes, right now. Tell him I’m ready and waiting.’ 

Claire clapped gleefully, ‘Oh he will be so happy. He’s always wanted to have a brunette and a redhead at the same time.’

‘You know, if I weren’t seeing Jared, I might even consider it.’ Stef imagined herself rolling around in the sheets with Richard, she bet that guy could fuck. 

‘You’re not exclusive are you? It’s more of an open thing, right?’

Stef considered it for a moment, ‘I guess it is. But, I don’t think Jared would be too happy with the thoughts of me and Richard. And you!’

Claire shrugged, ‘As if he’s not sleeping with is wife too.’

‘Please stop, I don’t want to think about it!’ Stef put her head into her hands.

‘Sorry, but he does. That man has a good thing going. Two women on the go.’

‘Am I foolish, Claire? Tell me truthfully.’

Claire reached over and placed her hand in Stef’s. ‘We have been friends for so long, I would tell you if I thought you were being an idiot, in an instant you know I would.’ 

Stef nodded, agreeing.

‘To anyone on the outside looking in, yeah you could be a little foolish. But this is what you want and it’s what he wants. It suits you both. You’re enjoying it now.’

Claire kissed Stef’s hand. ‘So stop thinking too much on it. Just enjoy the love and attention of a good man with a good heart.’

‘You’re right.’

‘Of course I’m right.’

They fell into silence, thinking of the men currently occupying their mental space. 

‘He has a huge dick doesn’t he?’ Claire mused.

‘Totally. And Rich?’

Claire sighed happily, ‘it’s as big as his personality. God, that man is made for me.’

‘Oh I told Jared I would send him a selfie.’ Stef pulled her phone from her pocket.

‘No, let me take it. Pose sexy,’ Claire grabbed the phone and typed in the pin code. 

Stef leaned back against the rail on the porch, her hand in her hair. licking her lips. her gaze cast down.

‘Pull your tits out a bit, perfect.’ Claire showed Stef the photo before whipping it away and texting it to Jared.

‘Bitch, I can send my own messages!’

‘Yeah but you’ll put something boring. Let me.’

Stef laughed, covering her face with embarrassment seeing the picture that was sent to Jared with the tag line. ‘This pussy is so wet thinking of you.’

Brendan was in the lower half of the picture drinking water from a flower pot. 

CHAPTER 15

[mxliv-oftheendless]

The Bridge of the Demonic Goatman (Part 1)

I thought of this a while back (specifically in the form of a hilarious mental image), and decided, “What the hell? I’m gonna write this.” It’s basically me combining two things I’m currently trash for (KISS and Buzzfeed Unsolved) into an AU, where my target audience is... well, me. On a side note, if you haven’t watched Buzzfeed Unsolved, I would definitely recommend it! It’s a great show, and they do episodes on true crime as well as supernatural cases. Here’s the link to the original episode if you want to watch it. Hope you enjoy!

Due to the sheer length of this story (it’s twenty fucking pages in the Word document), I’m going to have to post this in two parts. This is Part 1. Part 2 will go up tomorrow because it’s 11:30 PM rn and I’m too fucking tired to deal with this crap anymore.

Basic AU summary: It’s Buzzfeed Unsolved, but hosted by Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, and Vinnie Vincent. Gene is the believer of the supernatural, Paul is the skeptic, and Vinnie is the neutral third party (although he does like to join Paul in messing with Gene when they’re on a ghost hunt). 

Commentary text: 

Paul

Gene

Vinnie (apparently Tumblr doesn’t offer yellow as a color)

Something said in unison (who says it will also be in parentheses)

----

[cold open: camera is in the backseat of a car between the driver and passenger seats, looking through the windshield at the twilight sky. GENE is driving while PAUL is in the passenger seat. Soft haunting piano music plays over the footage]

PAUL: Almost there, Gene… you nervous?

GENE: I’ll probably be more nervous when we get there. How about you?

PAUL: [gestures out at the sunset] How can I be nervous with a sunset like that?

VINNIE: Ah, but remember, Paul. [camera cuts to VINNIE, who is sitting in the backseat] Eventually, the sun will be gone from the sky, leaving us in the foreboding dark of night. Then you’ll be nervous.

PAUL: [turns to look at Vinnie] How poetic.

VINNIE: Thank you.

PAUL: What about you, are you nervous?

VINNIE: Uh… [shrugs] kinda. I mean, we’re potentially going to see a demon.

PAUL: Potentially.

GENE: Don’t worry, Vin. I’ll protect ya.

VINNIE: You say that now, and yet if we actually see it, you’ll probably be cowering behind me and reciting the Lord’s Prayer.

GENE: How can I do that when you’re such a midget?

[Paul laughs. Vinnie leans forward and smacks Gene’s arm.]

[Smash cut: it is now nighttime. Gene, Paul, and Vinnie are now walking through a forest, the only light being from the flashlights coming from the night-vision cameras they are holding. Camera focuses on an old-looking wooden bridge with newer-looking red metal ledges. Gene shines his flashlight on a nearby sign that has text and the Texas state government symbol. The title reads OLD ALTON BRIDGE.]

GENE: Well, here it is. The bridge.

[Cut: Gene, Paul, and Vinnie are now standing at the foot of the bridge.]

GENE: Ready?

PAUL: Yep.

VINNIE: Yep.

GENE: … Paul, you go first.

PAUL: [scoffs at Gene and steps up onto the bridge] Okay.

VINNIE: [steps up onto the bridge and turns to Gene expectantly] C’mon, Gene.

GENE: [sighs then mumbles] God dammit… [slowly steps up onto the bridge]

VINNIE: [grinning at him] See, that wasn’t so hard.

GENE: Shut up, Vinnie.

[camera follows the three as they walk across the bridge, swinging their camera flashlights around. It is so dark that the only parts we can see of the bridge are what shows up in the beams of the flashlights; the rest can only be vaguely made out. Haunting music continues]

PAUL: I’ll be honest, I was kind of expecting something more… I dunno, intimidating, I guess? But no, this seems like a pretty standard bridge. [jumps up and down on it] Sturdy, too.

VINNIE: It’s a little scary, I guess. Though, the fact that we’re here when it’s nighttime probably has a factor in that. In the day time, this probably wouldn’t be scary at all.

[they reach the middle of the bridge]

GENE: Well, now that we’re on the bridge, I guess I should tell you why this bridge is so notorious.

[Vinnie nods]

PAUL: Okay. Enlighten us, Gene.

[haunting music stops. Gene stares at Paul, who looks calmly back at him]

GENE: Can you even look a little bit worried? Or just… you know what, never mind.

[Intro sequence, then title card]

[Gene, Paul, and Vinnie are now sitting on the foot of the bridge. From left to right: Gene, Vinnie, Paul]

VINNIE: This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we investigate Old Alton Bridge, aka the Goatman’s Bridge, as part of our ongoing investigation into the question, “Are ghosts real?”

GENE: [nods at the camera]

PAUL: [shakes his head at the camera]

VINNIE: [shrugs at the camera] Well, we may find out tonight. Gene?

GENE: Although that is our overall question, this bridge and the woods surrounding it are said to harbor something much more sinister than ghosts.

PAUL: [sounding maybe too light given the context] Demons!

GENE: [rolls his eyes but nods] Yeah, demons. As we’ve stated before, I will only consent to one demon episode per season, and this is that episode.

PAUL: You look pretty nervous. [looks to the camera and points at Gene] I dunno if you guys can tell, but Gene is looking pretty nervous right now. He’s just good enough of an actor that only Vinnie and I can tell.

VINNIE: I think we’re all a little nervous, to be fair. Just sitting on the foot of the bridge is making me feel slightly nervous. [pause in which he looks over at Gene and laughs] You’ve got kind of a glazed look, Genie.

GENE: I just—okay, I am getting kind of nervous. Let’s just get this over with.

PAUL: All right. Let’s get to the background stuff so we can dive right into the summoning part and see if any of us get possessed and/or murdered.

[Gene and Vinnie stare at him]

GENE: … Please don’t put it like that, Paul.

[Paul laughs]

[screen cuts away from the three to a black background with the shape of the state of Texas in white. Text and images appear on screen as Gene’s voice narrates]

GENE [voiceover]: In 1884, Old Alton Bridge was built in Denton, Texas, to connect the town of Alton to Denton. Alton was an extremely small town that consisted of only one person when it was established in 1848.

Wait, there was only one person in the entire town?

Yep.

Seriously? One person? And that was enough for it to be a town?

Yeah. One person.

*wheeze* Ha ha, that’s great.

Also, isn’t Denton the town from Rocky Horror Picture Show? The one Brad and Janet are from?

Oh yeah, it is! Oh my God, what if we did the Time Warp on the bridge?

Oh hell yeah, let’s do that!

*sigh* Dammit.

(Paul and Vinnie) Janet!

It was chosen as the legal center of Denton County. After the county seat was moved to Denton, residents of Alton moved to other towns, and Alton eventually disappeared. Today, the bridge is no longer permitted for vehicle use. But lucky for us, the bridge is available for pedestrian crossing.

*snorts* “Lucky for us”… the sarcasm.

You’re a master of sarcasm, Genie. 

--

[Paul, Gene, and Vinnie are standing by the parked car. The trunk is open, and Gene is rummaging through the contents of the trunk while Paul and Vinnie watch]

PAUL: I swear I’m not trying to scare you, Gene, but… I genuinely am getting a bad feeling about this place.

GENE: I am not listening to you, Paul.

PAUL: No, I’m actually serious this time! Vinnie, you can tell I’m serious, right?

VINNIE: I mean, I am getting kind of a bad feeling as well…

GENE: Don’t worry, guys. [straightens up] I came prepared tonight. [starts to unbuckle his belt]

VINNIE: I’m flattered, Genie, but I thought we were hunting down a demon. Plus, Paulie’s with us. And what would Shannon think?

GENE: [stops and stares at him in confusion] What would she think about… [he slowly realizes what Vinnie means] No! Not like that, Vinnie!

[Paul laughs. Vinnie smirks at Gene]  

GENE: Both of you shut up, that’s not what I meant at all! I mean I brought protection!

VINNIE: [grinning] Oh, well at least we won’t have to worry about that. I still think the setting is rather inappropriate, though.

[Paul continues to laugh]

GENE: I mean—I didn’t—shut the fuck up! This is what I’m talking about!

[Gene holds up a leather holster. In the holster is a squirt gun made of blue plastic]

PAUL: [stares at it, then bursts out laughing again] What the hell, Gene?

VINNIE: [trying not to laugh] Gene… why do you have a squirt gun?

GENE: [talking as he attaches the holster to his belt] It’s filled with holy water. I thought of it yesterday. It started out as a joke, but then I thought about it, and it’s actually a pretty good idea.

PAUL: [still laughing] You’re going to protect yourself against a dangerous demon… with a squirt gun filled with holy water?

GENE: Laugh all you want, Paul, but at least I’ll be safe from any demon that tries to sneak up on us. Just think, our backs will be turned, the demon’s sneaking up on us… [acts out this scene] I’ll just go, “Hey, guys, look at these bushes—[whirls around and whips out his squirt gun] freeze, demon!”

VINNIE: Smart.

GENE: I know, right?

--

GENE [voiceover]: Obviously, we didn’t travel all the way down to Texas to observe just a plain old bridge. What brings us to Old Alton Bridge is the meaning of its nickname, “the Goatman’s Bridge.” There are many legends of bridges acting as gateways to another realm, and perhaps this bridge is one of those gateways. Old Alton Bridge and the surrounding woods are said to harbor a dark entity: a demon, that is half-goat and half-man. The Goatman is said to have, quote, “glowing empty eyes” and goat-like horns. The reason for this entity’s existence is unknown, but has many iterations. One common story is that Satanists have carried out rituals on the bridge, that opened the door for this demon and perhaps many others.

There are actually records of people practicing rituals in the forest and on the bridge.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, so your kind of people.

My kind of—how am I a Satanist?

Because you believe in all the crap they believe in.

Yeah but—I don’t go around performing rituals to summon demons. I respect it, and stay away from it. That’s completely different.

Okay, you’re right about that. That’s fair.

You also go to the synagogue.

*snorts* Yeah, I also go to the synagogue.

GENE [voiceover]: Another popular story is that a successful African American goat farmer was lynched and hanged on the bridge by Klansmen, returning from the dead as the Goatman.

Fuckin’ assholes…

Do we know why they lynched him?

Yeah, because he was African American and he was doing better than them. That’s it. That’s why.

… Okay, fair enough.

Yeah, that’s fair.

GENE [voiceover]: If this story is true, then it would explain why the Goatman looks as it does, since once again, the African American was a goat farmer. However, there are no records of an African American goat farmer living or even existing in that area anywhere in the 1930s or in prior decades. Furthermore, if this story is true, then the Goatman would simply be the ghost of the goat farmer, instead of a demon like the Goatman has been claimed to be. Additionally, demons are preternatural beings, and therefore not human.

So you don’t think the Goatman’s the goat farmer.

Uh, no, I don’t. See, the thing is, if it was just the ghost of the goat farmer, then the Goatman would be just…

A man.

Yeah, just a man. There really wouldn’t be any reason for him to become some version of a Minotaur.

Yeah, that makes sense.

However, the fact that it’s half man and half goat makes it more likely that it’s a demon.

Plus, aren’t there medieval drawings showing Satan with goat legs?

Yeah, that too.

I just have to object to one thing you said. You said it was some version of a Minotaur.

And?

And that is a false statement. A Minotaur is half-man-half-BULL.

Oh—Oh, well excuse me—

Then it would be the BULLman.

—Mr. Greek Mythology Expert.

Paul, you don’t even think the GOATman is real, why are you so stuck on details?

I’m just trying to make sure everything that’s said is accurate.

You wouldn’t think it was real even if it WAS the Bullman.

That’s true. I wouldn’t think it’s the Bullman. I’d think it’s BullSHIT.

*laughter*

GENE [voiceover]: But tonight, our goal is not to find out why this demon exists. Tonight, our goal is to make contact and try to catch footage of this elusive and dangerous demon, as proof that it is real. We can only hope that this evidence does not come at a great cost…

--

[cut to Paul, Vinnie, and Gene walking on the bridge]

PAUL: Are there any demons here with us? Perhaps a demon formerly known as the Goatman?

VINNIE: Prince reference?

PAUL: Yeah, thanks for noticing.

GENE: Let your presence be known… say something… make a noise…

PAUL: Throw us off the bridge…

GENE: Shut up, Paul. [speaks aloud] Why are you on this bridge?

[silence]

GENE: One of you ask it something.

PAUL: Why are you on this bridge?

[Gene rolls his eyes at Paul while Vinnie snickers]

PAUL: [in a dramatic voice] Goatman! [still silence] Nothing’s happening.

VINNIE: Well, obviously.

PAUL: What if we try yelling at it?

GENE: What?

PAUL: I mean, what if we try and agitate it? To try and bring it out?

VINNIE: Like, egg it into showing itself?

PAUL: Yeah!

VINNIE: Yeah, that could work! Can I do it with you?

PAUL: Yeah, let’s do it. Gene—

GENE: I’m just gonna… gonna let you guys do it. I don’t wanna be part of what you guys are doing.

PAUL: Okay.

VINNIE: Yeah, you stay out of it, that way if anything happens to us you can call our families.

PAUL: You want to go first?

VINNIE: No, you go first.

PAUL: Okay… [a few beats of pause] Fuck you, Goatman!

GENE: Oh my God—

VINNIE: Oh, we’re just gonna go all-out? Okay, let me try. [shouts] Hey! Hey, Goatman! You’re no good, Goatman!

PAUL: You’ll never be shit!

VINNIE: You’re just like your father!

GENE: Oh for fuck’s sake—

PAUL: Goatman! [starts dancing in place] See that? I’m dancing on your bridge!

GENE: Paul!

VINNIE: [also starts dancing] We’re dancing on your bridge because we don’t believe in you! Fuck you, Goatman!

PAUL: This is our bridge now! We claim this bridge for ourselves!

GENE: Jesus Christ, we’re gonna die—

VINNIE: You want us off this bridge? You’re gonna have to kill us! Whatcha gonna do, throw us off the bridge?

GENE: He did throw someone off the bridge once.

PAUL: Nah, he’s not gonna throw us off the bridge, y’know why? [shouts] ‘Cause he’s a CHICKEN! [starts clucking like a chicken]

GENE: I swear to God, both of you…

VINNIE: Paulie, c’mere. [they start doing a tango] See that, Goatman? We’re dancing on your bridge!

PAUL: We disrespect your bridge, Goatman!

GENE: Oh, for Christ’s sake—he’s taking names right now, you two.

PAUL: You ain’t shit, Goatman! We own your bridge now!

VINNIE: You hear that, Goatman?

PAUL: Me, Vinnie Vincent, and Gene Simmons own your bridge!

GENE: Paul, don’t you dare loop me into your shit. Stop it.

PAUL: Well, tell him you’re not part of it!

GENE: [speaks aloud] I’m not part of this! Okay? They’re just being assholes.

PAUL: You’re talking to Goatman now. [Paul and Vinnie grin at him]

GENE: … You son of a bitch—

VINNIE: Goatman entrapment, Genie, you’ve been caught. [high-fives Paul] Goatman!

GENE: Guys, stop it.

PAUL: This is our bridge now, Goatman! [Paul and Vinnie continue dancing and jumping up and down on the bridge]

GENE: I swear to God, you two—

VINNIE: They’re gonna write OUR names in graffiti!

GENE: If something appears and kills you, I’m not giving your eulogies.

PAUL: People will come here and tell tales of US!

PAUL and VINNIE: What do ya say to that, Goatman?

[silence]

GENE: I hate you both.

--

GENE [voiceover]: People have reported a growling voice telling them to “get off the bridge.” One person said that after he and his friend heard the voice, he ran off the bridge while his friend stayed. He then watched as his friend was seemingly dragged off the bridge and thrown into the river below. People have also heard hooves following them across the bridge, as if they were being chased off. It’s often said that the Goatman can be conjured by knocking three times on the bridge.

--

[on the bridge, Gene goes up to one side of the bridge and hesitantly raises a fist]

GENE: All right. I’m gonna… knock three times on the bridge… and we’ll see what happens.

PAUL: What if the Goatman bites your hand off?

GENE: Paul—

PAUL: And then he stuffs it in your mouth and makes you eat it?

[Gene and Vinnie stare at him]

VINNIE: … What the fuck, Paul?

PAUL: What? He might do that. He’s a demon.

GENE: Fuck you, Paul. You’re making this worse.

PAUL: Fine, sorry.

GENE: [turns back to the side of the bridge] Okay… here we go…

[Gene knocks on the side of the bridge three times. They all stand back]

GENE: Now it’s said that when you do that, you can see his glowing eyes. [glances around]

PAUL: [laughing] What a load of horseshit…

VINNIE: Quiet, Paul.

[silence. Nothing happens]

GENE: Well, I’m not doing it again. Either of you want to?

VINNIE: [shrugs] I’ll do it. [goes up to the side and knocks three times. Steps back.]

[silence again. Nothing happens]

VINNIE: All right, Paul, now you do it.

[Paul goes up to the side and raises his fist. Then he stops and looks around in a theatrical way]

GENE: For fuck’s sake, Paul, just do it!

PAUL: [shrugs] Hey, Goatman! [knocks three times]

[silence again. All three look around. The camera passes over parts of the bridge]

PAUL: You know, if you want me off this bridge, you’re gonna have to throw me off.

[still silence. Nothing happens. There is a long stretch in which none of them move or speak]

GENE: Okay, we’re done with that. Let’s go into the woods.

VINNIE: We’re going into the woods?

GENE: Yep. Let’s go.

[they all turn and start to walk off the bridge. Paul turns around and looks out into the darkness]

PAUL: We’ll be back, Goatman. After all, this is our bridge now.

VINNIE: Yeah, remember that, Goatman.

GENE: Would you both shut up?

PAUL: That’s how you get them to come out, Gene.

GENE: That’s not how you get them to come out, that’s how you get them to kill you.

PAUL: Assuming you don’t kill me first, right?

GENE: Exactly.

To be continued in Part 2!

[friezandsmilez]

seems at this point there’s no more help. i’m entirely fucked. i don’t think, i can do it. but i’ve been pushing myself because of promises i’ve made to my friends, to protect the ones that have helped me. i, i can’t do anything. i’m entirely powerless. so i’m posting this for after. in case they try to attack anyone who’s helped me. so my household is abusive, as said before, i ran away a few days ago. at this point there isn’t any solution there’s little less than twenty four hours left. i can’t go back. i can’t. 

i ran away a few days ago to a friend’s house they helped me, another one gave me refugee for a night. my father threatened statelessness at the end of the day, didn’t even try to reach me kindly once. the next day my sister said that this was what had been expected of me and that i would be forgiven. it wasn’t my fault. they tried to use kindness to reach out to me that day, while threatening statelessness on a side. they emotionally tried to manipulate me and gave me a surplus of distorted information.

i’ll add some pictures here of messages from my family.

there are more, i will give my password to a friend, and they can open it and show more once i, leave. god they’ll be mad.

anyway i have an audio recording, i’m gonna make the audios public and attach them here:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1E96ctYFdad0gT1NVCy11GP27GT5j8swy/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pdd1Vwk_uC4I1UkYMFWQ3KMmw7aMGVF9/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yUZjXWixX0r4BK529pl_Y5l8za7iGAOX/view?usp=sharing

i don’t have time to do anything. diplomacy, and reputations matter more than my abuse. the world runs on money and power, both of which i lack.

so anyway, back to the topic i’m writing this for. defending the people who’re helping me. 

sj and her parents: the only adults who’ve tried to help, and gone out of their way, offered legal guardianship over me so i don’t have to live with my parents. honestly no one has done anything illegal, but i’ve learnt money and power dominate laws, and fairness. hopefully this post can help them. please please help them. they’re the only ones who helped me get this far. sj’s my best friend in the whole entire world i love her so much, and if i never let go before today she is a big reason why. 

rg and his parents: granted me refugee despite insecurities bcs he trusted me. offered lawyers, but they aren’t free til tomorrow and i’m afraid it’ll be too late. i’m also just really tired of fighting, and just wanna let go. rg’s just a big bear okay? he’s a saint (tho he doesn’t believe in religion, please don’t hate me r lol). you’re my second favorite, i promise. pls forgive me ok? but he did nothing wrong, offered me a room, food, lawyer, research, support, everything. even the laptop i’m writing this from.

tw: helped me without letting parents know so he wouldn’t be banned from it since two other people’s parents banned me. bcs they thought i was a lunatic. don’t get mad at the parents, they know the world runs on money and power, only want the best for their children. he’s helped me endlessly in the past. present. everything. even gave me 20,000 forints (70 usd) since i had no money, identification, anything.

jj: majority of the time i’ve stayed at his place. first guy i went to who wouldn’t let me ‘off’ myself. when my parents kicked me out in the middle of winter without a coat, and i almost caught hypothermia he was the one who gave me shelter. he’s in china rn, so no contact but told me i could stay at his before leaving, since rg was leaving somewhere after the first night i stayed at his. gave me about 30,000 forints (105 usd) to make it through. thank you. pls don’t be mad at me, okay?

ac, gs, csb: helped me periodically. cdb watched me while i met with my dad to make sure he didn’t try anything on me- physical, drag me away, etc. gs was besides me ready to call cps when needed. ac helped me get information of things i could do, and refused to stop talking to me.

tf, kk: helped me so much but parents thought i was a lunatic. grounded, phone taken away. still tried to help as much as possible. thank you. i’m sorry i got you in trouble with your parents, but you both helped so much. revived my hope in good, bcs i wasn’t even that good friends with y’all.

that’s who all has helped me. HELPED me. please, okay? i have a thousand followers, more than, i know a lot are inactive. but these people are the only good people i’ve known. protect them when i’m gone. please. you have the fucking evidence, okay? if laws don’t help me, at least don’t let laws be the reason they get in trouble. they’re the best. i wish i could put up a picture of me rn, to prove it’s me but idk how the webcam on this laptop works. but i’ll tell you, im wearing a blue tunic typa top, at costa coffee huvosvolgy, wearing black and white shorts, have the orange black bag kk lent m, the waitress has purple hair, i ordered a iced caramel latte, in the morning i ordered a chocolate croissant, and chocolate cookie, and bought a cheese pizza slice from across this lil hallway of this petite mall of sorts. i don’t know how else to prove it’s me. it is. please please please please protect them.

[terresdebrume]

Random rambling about a random day

So today was A Day You know when you do a thing you were totally capable of doing before and then your body is like ‘you’re turning thirty next year you numbnugget’? Yeah, that’s me this week. Actually, that’s been me since last Thursday, when I stayed up until 3am ish to write The space between, and then proceeded to send what little was left of my sleep schedule straight to the trash can. To be fair, my working hours just do not work for my natural rhythm. The most refreshing time of my existence was right after I came back from visiting Fel in Korea, when I’d gotten in the habit of being in bed by nine and waking up before seven (no forced methods necessary, it just felt like the right thing to do). This worked because, at the time, my at-work work day started around 10am and ended at 5:30pm, which allowed me to be home by 6pm and do all extraneous work on weekdays before I got to the workplace. (Also I had less teaching hours, which takes a buttload of work off your shoulders, let me tell you.) Unfortunately, I specialize in teaching younger students, who are in after-after-school-classes-classes when they come with us, which means the earliest of them start as 5pm. And I have to be available for them. So I’m stuck with that for the foreseeable future, unless the new boss decides to stop the children’s classes entirely (they are, apparently, not profitable enough). And I mean, I love teaching the kids’ classes, but boy does that make me tired xD

Which is honestly 98% of the reason why today was A Day: I went to work  without my wallet, then came home to get it back because, although a  friend lent me some money for the day, I wouldn’t have been able t  afford lunch and my journey to and from my physiotherapist appointment. I  got home, had lunch, got in a tuktuk to the physiotherapist’s and then   realized my appointment is actually tomorrow. And I couldn’t change my   destination because the driver spoke no English and I couldn’t think of how to express what was happening in Khmer at that moment. (I did, obviously, figure it out right as the tuktuk was leaving, after I paid :P) Then  I got back to work and, because I’d been away longer than planned or   necessary, I had to finish a thing I’d planned to finish earlier,   meaning I didn’t have time to prepare my kids’ class (which I guess is   one more reason why I should try to do that on the weekends/in the   morning but that’s my free/sleeping time, NO) so I had to improvise 1h30  of class which was...interesting. I’m just glad I have a couple   time-consuming rituals and their languages skills are small enough to   make any new activity a bit of an ordeal (so anyway, they learned the   word ‘and’ and how to pronounce a bunch of letters combos that they   didn’t know before, so there’s that). The strange thing is, I’m   super tired (and should be in bed rn but I got home past 8pm which means  I haven’t even had two hours of post-work leisure time yet so we’ll   deal for another couple minutes) but at the same time I’m proud of   myself because I managed to improvise in a constructive and somewhat   interesting way! We’ve been doing a lot of talking about kids’ classes   these days because up until now the motto was ‘who cares about writing, we want to make them want to keep going with french’ which was cool but  also led to some problems...and anyways, the new (well, he’s been here  for nearly six-ish months now so…) boss wants to introduce written   French in these classes. Meaning I’m experimenting a ton of new stuff  with my classes (I have a double level this session! it’s exhausting! And complicated! But I’m managing! it’s doing me a proud!) and setting things up in a more efficient way! Which I have to say is doing   wonder for my self esteem and ego. Like, literally, this morning my   friend Julie called me organized which LOL, one more point in favor of   the fake it till you make it column xD Anyways, I don’t know,   this post suddenly just turned into ‘things I want to do at work this   year’ and I’m not sure how but I’ll take it. One of my medium-length   term projects (in between putting money on the side to visit trovia this  summer) is to invest in a school supplies box of wonder for myself and  my class. I get MAJOR envy whenever I see people post pictures of their  classroom which is THEIRS and they have all the material needed and  whatnot! And I’m not planning on bringing everything I need to work with  myself but I’m tired of always having to split insufficient material  between three classes (because HR gripes about buying scissors for the  kids to often but apparently okayed a new TV screen for the lobby, which  I’m a little salty about) and so I figure if I could just make sure I  always have:

  1 mini whiteboard (whatever you call these in English, I don’t feel like looking it up rn) per student

1 whiteboard marker per student (I actually had that at one point   until I forgot to ask for them back one too many time (or someone needed  to borrow one idk) because I tend to pick up the ones my colleagues   don’t use anymore and they’re refillable which is good enough for what I  do with them)

1 box of color pencils per student (or at least, per two students)

1 pencil, eraser, pair of scissors, stick of glue, pencil sharpener and black pen per student

My  life as a teacher would be that much easier and less stressful tbh. Not  to mention I might get work to pay for some of that, which would be  double nice, but I’m not counting on it too much. I’m just tired of   having to ruffle through my own cases and realize I keep losing stuff   because the kids plain don’t remember to hand things back and I don’t   remember to ask for it often enough. (Also I don’t want to deal with the hassle of fighting a ten years old who doesn’t even seem to realize  that ‘his’ marker is the freaking marker he forgot to hand back, I know  because I remember the use patterns on that one). Anyway what I  get from this post so far is I’m tired (which I knew) and more than a  little anal when it comes to work and I let myself indulge in it (which I  did not know for many years but am more and more acutely aware of, and  also I might make a post specifically about that) and all semblance of  coherence flies right out the window as soon as I’m not a) at work or b)  writing—and even then, sometimes it’s a tenuous grasp. Man am I rambly. Oh  well. Maybe one day I’ll talk about work more, it’ll do me some good to  reflect on my methods and/or brag about my progresses in organizational  skills. In the meantime, I’m gonna sign off and go collapse on my best  for a while—kudos to anyone who read that far, and see you all later. Also, reminder to self: I need to signal boost a thing from DW sometimes this week. Maybe tomorrow morning.

[ocean-tumbled-pebbles]

What if Happy Internet Cafe was a Cosplay Internet Cafe?

Fanfic slightly edited from my submission for the June fanfic contest on the discord server! I now have a FFN account and AO3 pending lol. Feedback and comments welcome~

Prompt: Ye Xiu has retired from Glory and departs Excellent Era but doesn’t head to Happy Internet Cafe and become a night manager.

Summary: In which Happy is a cosplay/internet cafe, Ye Xiu is a pro player magnet, and Chen Guo is a shrewd businesswoman

Tags: All叶, allye, cosplay, crossdressing, crackfic, tw minor sexual harassment, help i dont know how chinese money works, timeline is slightly off, let’s play spot the author’s favorite anime characters

(1)

Ye Xiu leant back languidly in his chair, his arms stretching out and coming to rest behind his head. “I feel that I match all of the qualifications, and work and pay aren’t a problem. So how about it?”

Chen Guo eyed him up and down. “Stand up.”

Ye Xiu took the time to stretch out his legs before lazily getting to his feet. Chen Guo circled him like a vulture coming upon a juicy piece of meat, muttering comments to herself.

“Hmm, he’s a little bit tall, but has pretty delicate features.” She crouched down to inspect his legs. “Long legs, not too much muscle....” She circled over to look at his back side. “Hmmm...”

Suddenly Ye Xiu felt a Smack! across his buttocks.

“Um...!” Ye Xiu yelped and rubbed his abused backside.

Chen Guo covered her mouth and snickered. “Oh, you’ll do.”

“Haha..?”

“So which shift do you want?” she asked.

“Night shift is fine!” Ye Xiu figured that he’d avoid the crowds and make some extra money. He didn’t mind switching his sleep schedule and he had always been pretty good at pulling all-nighters, thinking back to his time playing Glory all night long with Su Muqiu.

“Absolutely not!”

“Oh?” Were all the night shift posts taken?

“It’d be a waste to have a good looking guy like you take the night shift! If you want a less busy time you can take either the morning or the evening shift! Pretty boys like you need their beauty sleep!” Chen Guo explained.

Ye Xiu sweatdropped. “Uhh... Okay.... I guess I’ll take the evening shift then.”

Chen Guo clapped her hands together and gestured for him to follow her. “Great! You’ll work from 4 until 10. You get a break at 7 to eat. Most customers only come to use the computers, but if they need any help or want to order food they’ll ring the service bell. We offer special service if they order from us, which is that they can request you to do something, within reason. This usually means saying a line or doing a pose, so do your best to please the customer, alright?”

“Hmm?” Ye Xiu blinked. Wait. What was that last sentence?

“We’ll start you off easy, but we’ll want to take advantage of your good genes later. We’ll let you have a trial period tonight, but you can start officially as soon as tomorrow.” She started  rummaging through a closet in the back room. She finally pulled out some folded clothing in a box that Ye Xiu assumed was the uniform. “You’re about the same height as xiao Li, so this should fit you. I’ll show you the employee locker rooms!”

In front of the locker rooms, Chen Guo shoved the clothes she was holding into his arms.

“Try it on!”

Ye Xiu looked into the box. “Uh, boss, this... is your uniform?”

“You’re chickening out now?” She smacked his back. “You signed up for this, remember? How can we be Happy Cosplay Internet Cafe, the only cosplay internet cafe in all of China, without the cosplay?!”

Ye Xiu almost choked. “Cosplay?”

Chen Guo face palmed. “Have you been paying attention to your surroundings at all? Or at least been listening to me explaining your work?”

Ye Xiu looked around. At a second glance, it turned out that all the staff were wearing costumes of some sort. He had been so focused on getting out of the cold he really hadn’t noticed it!

He’d probably give a bad impression if he admitted he hadn’t been listening to his new boss though, so he coughed and said, “I’ll go change now.”

If he came out with a slight flush in his cheeks, it was a small matter. Well, maybe not, since Chen Guo had squealed and promptly whipped out her camera and begun snapping pictures of him to post on her Weibo. She gave him a big grin and a thumbs up.

“We’ll give you proper training with wigs and make up later. Can’t wait to have you crossdress~!”

A look of horror passes over Ye Xiu’s face. Just what did he sign up for?

(2) Su Mucheng

Dancing Rain: Big bro, you doing alright?

Lord Grim: dw, I got a job!

Dancing Rain: lol who would hire you. Your only skill is gaming

Dancing Rain: you should go back to my place! I’ll provide for you, and you can be my housewife!

Lord Grim: ...

Lord Grim: that was mean.

Dancing Rain: where did you get a job?

Lord Grim: Happy Internet Cafe!

Dancing Rain: you mean that cosplay cafe across the street?

Lord Grim: ...

Dancing Rain: omg are you in cosplay rn???

Lord Grim: ...

Dancing Rain: im coming over

Lord Grim: dont.

Lord Grim: mucheng im warning you

Lord Grim: It’s an internet cafe. What if you get mobbed?

Dancing Rain: dw im good at disguises!

It turned out that Mucheng’s “disguise” consisted of a pair of glasses, a hat, and a face mask. Yup, real subtle Mucheng. Everyone was thinking that, but no one dared approach. Why would Su Mucheng even go to an internet cafe across the street from Excellent Era after all? When Chen Guo took her id card, she nearly started screaming, but was quieted by a wink and shushing finger sign. Through the power of fangirling and selfies, Mucheng was able to obtain the whole second floor to herself, as well as Ye Xiu as her personal server. He was currently dressed in a simple school blazer with a blood red wig. Mucheng was snapping pics of him left and right.

Ye Xiu sweatdropped. “You better not post these.”

“I know,” she said plainly. “These are for my personal enjoyment. Besides, I’m supposed to get a ‘special service’ with my ice cream. So keep still while I take more photos.”

Later Chen Guo dreamily asked him, “Hey, do you think Su Mucheng will come again? Should I build a private room for her? I should build a private room for her.”

Ye Xiu sweatdropped again. Hey, don’t ask me if you’ve already decided.

(3) Huang Shaotian

Tang Rou thought that Huang Shaotian was a creep when he showed up outside around 10pm and covered in scarves, so she went to go get Chen Guo.

“Old Ye!” He whisper yelled, tiptoeing through the door. “Where the hell are you?”

Ye Xiu poked him in the back and the blond puppy jumped five feet in the air. “I’m right here.”

“Shit! You’re Old Ye?!” Huang Shaotian spluttered disbelievingly. To be fair, Ye Xiu was crossdressing, but you’d think that Huang Shaotian would have noticed him.

The short flouncy skirt of the black and white school uniform dress along with the mismatching colorful socks showed off his mile long legs wonderfully, and the orange wig with green highlights had pigtails that framed his handsome face. He was taller than a real girl, with slightly sharper angles, but all in all, he looked really good crossdressing.

“How could you? After all these years of friendship, you’ve forgotten me so soon?” Ye Xiu said in mock sadness.

“Nononono! That’s not it at all! I haven’t forgotten you though maybe I should seeing as you’re an old man dressing up as a girl that is not that you’re some creep or anything but just that you’ve retired and such but I promise I haven’t forgotten you after all you’re probably my best friend after Captain and all of the Blue Rain players and - Hey! Why are you leaving?!”

Ye Xiu turned in the general direction of the word explosion and shrugged. “It’s the end of my shift. I’m going to change.” And he sauntered off toward the back room to change into more comfortable clothes.

Shaotian sneakily grabbed his phone to snag a picture. He grinned down at the photo evidence of the battle god crossdressing.

“There he is, that’s the creep!” Tang Rou had come back with Chen Guo in tow.

“F-shit! I’m not a creep! That Old Ye invited me!”

Chen Guo and Tang Rou looked at each other.  A stalker?

“I’m going to have to see your ID.”

Some selfies and monetary transactions later, Huang Shaotian and Ye Xiu were in the private room running through the plan on the boneyard record.

“Hey Old Ye, it says that if I order some food, I can get special service. I’m going to make you PK with me!”

“Not happening.” Ye Xiu refused plainly.

“Why not?! PKPKPK!”

“Because it’s not my shift.” Ye Xiu wasn’t obligated to do anything for anyone right now. He was also tired after a long day taking requests from customers and didn’t want to deal with Shaotian’s shit right now. The boss had also given him a strict bedtime of 1am at the latest and he wanted to get in all of his dungeon runs before then.

“...”

Ye Xiu suddenly felt a chill down his back. Shaotian being silent? Never a good thing.

The next day at 4 pm.

“OLD YE!” A blond fluffball came flying at Ye Xiu. Ye Xiu tumbled to the ground under the unexpected tackle.

“Oh god.”

“PKPKPKPKPKPKPKPKPKPK!”

Six hours later...

“Boss, please kick him out.” Ye Xiu was disheveled and exhausted, pale and looking like he was about to collapse.

Chen Guo paused from counting the money Huang Shaotian had spent on reserving the private room and repeatedly ordering food with service for 6 hours. “....Hmm? What did you say?”

(3.5) All Star Weekend

“Ye Xiu! You’re really Ye Qiu?”

“...Yes.”

“Dammit! We should have charged Huang Shaotian more!”

“...”

(4) Ye Qiu

For the Lunar New Year, it turned out that Ye Qiu had found out he had retired from Excellent Era and was now working at Happy.

“Brother,” he tutted, “Come home for New Years. Do you even have a place to stay?”

“I’m going to work over time!” He just wanted to avoid going home over the holiday and play Glory all day.

“Fine, then I’m going to stay too.”

“Go home little brother. Unless... the boss has been wanting to do twin cosplays...”

“Happy New Year, I have to go attend to mother and little dot! Let me know when you’re coming back already! Bye!” In a flash, Ye Qiu was out the door.

Chen Guo came out of the back room holding a box of costumes. “Why did he leave? I had the cutest matching cosplays for you two!”

(5) Yu Wenzhou

“Captain Yu! What are you doing here?” Ye Xiu was so surprised to see Yu Wenzhou turn up one day that his half and half red and white wig almost fell off.

Yu Wenzhou was disguised in naught but a pair of dark sunglasses. Since Huang Shaotian had turned up the other time, more and more Blue Rain fans had been coming to Happy to see if they could catch a glimpse of their idol. Seeing the captain himself, of course some Yu Wenzhou fans crowded around to see if they could get an autograph. But as they approached, suddenly an ice cold aura appeared, and the fans decided it would probably be a good idea to back off.

“Hello Senior.” The blue-haired captain greeted amiably. “I came to see you in your new place of work.”

A slender hand came up to readjust his wig. “... I meant, how did you find me here?”

Yu Wenzhou smiled and merely handed him a thick wad of cash. “Let’s discuss this in the private room, shall we?”

So Ye Xiu led him up the stairs and Yu Wenzhou explained over coffee and biscuits. “Several weeks ago, Shaotian disappeared after the match with Excellent Era, and later claimed that he wanted to stay in Hangzhou for an extra day to visit family. He has no family in Hangzhou, so of course he must’ve been visiting someone other than family. He clearly lied about it, and as such it couldn’t have been anyone he would publically visit.”

He took another sip of his coffee. “The night he disappeared also happened to be the day the boneyard record was broken by Lord Grim and a swordsman Flowing Tree. Lord Grim is infamous in the tenth server with his technical skill, and he started in the tenth server around the time when you retired. Of course, I had a sneaking suspicion it was you, but Shaotian’s disappearance confirmed it. When he returned after his one day visit to ‘family’ he was in a surprisingly good mood and kept snickering at his phone. Naturally, I confisticated it and searched through the contents. Did you know he had this picture of you on it?”

He held up his phone and Ye Xiu saw that there was a picture of him crossdressing, shot from the back as he walked away to change clothes. It was slightly blurry, as it was dark, and Ye Xiu was surprised (but not that surprised) to know that Yu Wenzhou could recognize him even though the view was from the back and he had been in costume.

“That little brat!” Ye Xiu exclaimed. “Who would take advantage of such a good-looking guy like me, taking pictures of me on the sly?”

Yu Wenzhou put the picture away, ignoring the self-proclaimed ‘good-looking’ god. Ye Xiu noted that he didn’t delete the picture though. Wenzhou continued with his explanation. “When I saw this, I knew immediately that Shaotian had not gone to visit family but had rather gone to visit you at your workplace. A quick search of cosplay cafe and Hangzhou turned up this place. Did you know that this is the only cosplay internet cafe in China?”

“...Your deductive work is too scary Captain Yu.” Ye Xiu sighed. “So what did you hope to gain by coming here?”

Yu Wenzhou gave a little smile. “I was hoping to perhaps chat about some tactics and maybe play a match or two.”

Ye Xiu cracked his knuckles and began stretching out his arms in preparation. “It’ll be 100 yuan for each match, and you’ll need to buy food for any other requests.”

Yu Wenzhou tilted his head. “Hmm?”

“Boss’s rules.”

“Ah.”

(6) Zhang Xinjie and Han Wenqing

When Han Wenqing and Zhang Xinjie came to Happy Cosplay Internet Cafe one evening, they didn’t even bother disguising themselves despite being in the midst of Excellent Era territory, in fact, literally across the street from their so-called rivals.

A whisper chorus of boos echoed up from the computers. The quiet protest was quickly vanquished with the signature Han Wenqing GlareTM, resulting in the offenders groveling on the floor, offering their wallets as penitence.

All the commotion brought Chen Guo over. She reflexively wanted to jump back when he turned his gaze to her, but she held her ground and offered, “What can Happy Cosplay Internet Cafe do for you today, God Han, God Zhang?”

“Where’s Ye Qiu?”

Zhang Xinjie smoothed out the conversation. “We would like to rent out the private room and talk with Senior Ye if possible.”

“It’s 200 yuan per match and you need to order food for any other requests. The private room has a lock. Ye Xiu can let you in.”

Han Wenqing picked up a wallet off the floor, and dropped it on the counter, much to the dismay of one unfortunate booer.

“Yo Old Han.” Today Ye Xiu was dressed in a cute sailor themed idol costume with a long dark colored wig. He gave a mock salute. “Never thought I’d see the two of you here in a cosplay cafe in Excellent Era territory no less.”

“Never thought I’d see you here crossplaying at an internet cafe across the street from Excellent Era after having retired no less,” the older player spat back.

“Let’s go upstairs and fight in the arena instead of in the lobby, Captain, Senior.”

Ye Xiu laughed and led the two of them to the stairs. “You first.”

Zhang Xinjie, feeling that it was out of character for Ye Xiu to be polite asked, “Why don’t you go first, senior?”

“Gasp, Xiao Zhang! How perverted! You want to peek under my skirt as I go up the stairs, don’t you?”

Xinjie turned all shades of red and blurted, “That wasn’t it at all!”

Han Wenqing was not amused. “If we wanted a peek we would just lift it up. Now show me that unspecialized character of yours.” He began pushing Ye Xiu up the stairs.

“Ooh how brazen, Old Han.”

(7) Tiny Herb

Business at Happy was booming. Not only was Chen Guo obtaining more business from users hoping to see their favorite pro player, but she was able to charge the visiting pro players exorbitant amounts and they would gladly pay to play with Ye Xiu. Using the extra money, Chen Guo was able to upgrade the private room upstairs to include a full row of new computers and a comfy couch and coffee table.

The upgrades were a good investment. How else would the entire Tiny Herb pro team be able to fit comfortably into the room?

“Order whatever food you want. The club will pay for it. Don’t forget to think of your requests. You can ask him to do anything reasonable, so make sure you learn from this opportunity.”

“Yes Captain!”

Ye Xiu sighed. Today he was wearing a black and white sailor style girl’s school uniform, along with a short brown wig and white cap. He also had a staff and a stuffed animal to complete the cosplay, but they were too annoying to carry around while playing. “I left Excellent Era so that I didn’t have to be a training partner...” he muttered under his breath.

“What was that senior?” Wang Jiexi blinked his uneven eyes.

“Nothing, nothing. Just a reminder that it’s 300 yuan per person per match and that I require a break between matches. Oh, I know. While you’re waiting for me, you can fight Xiao Tang. I’m coaching her!” He gave a big thumbs up.

The whole ordeal was like one huge party with food and fun and Glory. Tang Rou despite getting utterly smashed bravely continued to fight, earning the respect of Tiny Herb. Ye Xiu then proceeded to crush them all in return. It was a bit depressing to think that all of them combined had still been trounced by a single guy dressed like an elementary school girl.

“Thank you Senior Ye!” exclaimed one Gao Yingjie on the way out.

“Yes. Thank you for your guidance Senior Ye. I hope to be like you someday.” echoed Qiao Yifan.

Ye Xiu patted both on the head. It was nice to see rookies with such enthusiasm. “You two have a lot to learn, but you also have a lot of potential. Keep working hard. And Yifan, why don’t you think about what I said?”

‘Why don’t you try out a Ghostblade! It would suit you!’ Yifan kept thinking of this phrase over and over again walking out of the internet cafe, such that he almost bumped into Chen Guo.

“Woah! Careful there.” She steadied him on his feet. “You know, you’re pretty cute.” Chen Guo handed Yifan a business card. “If you ever need a job or even a side job, you should contact me! I have some cute cosplays that would be perfect for you!”

Yifan almost choked. When he said he wanted to be like Senior Ye, he didn’t mean it that way!

(8) Jiang Botao

“So what brings you here by yourself?”

“Senior Ye! Please grant me a request!” Jiang Botao bowed deeply at a 90 degree angle.

“No need to be so formal,” Ye Xiu laughed. “As long as you buy something from here, I’ll be willing to hear you out.”

Jiang Botao ordered a What a Big One ice cream cone. “Sooo...” he started nervously, “ummm.... Please... Allow me to record a message from you to captain!”

“Oh? To Xiao Zhou? What would you like me to say?”

“Please say, ‘Zhou Zekai, Jiayou!’ a-and then umm, please blow a kiss!”

“Hoho? Well, alright get your camera ready!”

Jiang Botao aimed the camera at him portrait-wise, making sure to capture the full picture of Ye Xiu in a purple accented swimsuit and blue and white jacket covering his shirtless torso. He didn’t need a wig this time, but settled for some styling with gel to achieve the character’s likeness.

Ye Xiu grinned, not caring that it was out of character for the cosplay. “Xiao Zhou, Jiayou! Keep working hard!” He winked saucily and blew a kiss.

Jiang Botao was so grateful he kept thanking Ye Xiu over and over again and insisted on giving him extra cash. “For the wink! Please keep it for the wink!”

Later...

“Captain! Please make an effort to connect more with the rookies! They’re all intimidated by your silence!”

“...”

“If you coordinate well with them and get into the playoffs I’ll give you this!” Jiang Botao pressed a button on his phone, playing the video.

“Xiao Zhou, Jiayou! Keep working hard!” *Wink* *kiss*

Zhou Zekai stared at the little screen. “Want... Senior...”

“If you want it, please make an effort to get along!”

Zhou Zekai nodded emphatically.

“If we do well this season, we can go visit him later!”

Zhou Zekai was already walking out the door.

(9) Happy

“God Ye! Is it true that you initially worked as a staff member for Happy Internet Cafe?” Cameras flashed during the press conference following the Challenger League.

Chen Guo butted in, “It’s Happy Cosplay Internet Cafe. Get your facts right!”

“God Ye! Is it true that you engaged in crossplay?”

“It’s not that bad when you get used to it! Besides, my boss says I should show off my ‘legs for days.’”

“God Ye! Is it true that the other members of Happy cosplay as well?”

Chen Guo again interrupted. “At this time I would like to announce the limited edition release of our new cosplay photobook. It includes both group and individual cosplay photos of all of Team Happy. This limited edition will also include a section of Captain Ye’s best cosplays and a new cosplay as One Autumn Leaf. The photobooks will be on sale starting at midnight tonight and will cost 800 yuan. Proceeds will go to the development of Team Happy and also Ye Xiu’s costume repertoire. Thank you for your patronage.”

All the reporters gossipped among themselves. The males complained it was way too expensive, more than double the price of other costume books, but were quite sorely tempted by the One Autumn Leaf photo. The females wanted to see those legs for days.

The clubs were some of the first to buy the books when they came on sale. When questioned why they wanted to help the enemy the teams merely said, for research. Yeah, for research.

And so, Team Happy became the most influential team in the alliance for the sole reason of Ye Xiu fangirling.

//End notes:  *sweating* Yeah this totally fits the prompt. “Ye Xiu has retired from Glory and departs Excellent Era but doesn’t head to Happy Internet Cafe and become a night manager.” Hahaha *runs away*//

[shultzing]

7/29/2018: did i already say how much of an angel this guy is

8/13/2018: i’m so mad that i’m dating someone so much cuter than me. i never intended for this to happen. my type is usually men who are just above average looking, which I was happy with. now, i have to constantly think about how i look bc I know everyone around us has GOT to be thinking like, wtf is that beautiful man doing w/ that scrubby looking twig in the ancient clothes?? and like... he HAS to know. idc so much if other people are wondering how i got w/ him as long as HE isn’t like... damn, i could be doing so much better... anyways kill me, he is too fucking handsome and this birth control is making my skin break out really bad.

8/22/2018: this whole thing about being in a casual relationship is weird and tbh i’m less and less a fan. maybe i need to grow tf up but like, here’s an example. I’m going to a show friday night that’s literally 5 minutes from his house, and i know he’s free friday, and yet i won’t invite him bc i don’t want to see him there bc i don’t want him to be part of my local music world bc then he’ll mean that much more to me and it will be that much harder to feel and act casual. so that feels shitty. and like, i could totally skip the show and just go hang out w/ him, but I know he’s not planning his life around me, so I don’t want to get myself into a frame of mind where i’m sacrificing my stuff to be w/ him, so i make a point to not plan around him and not cancel plans for him. But getting to a point where i actively don’t want him to come to things w/ me is like some kind of accomplishment but also feels like a battle i don’t want to win? like i’m getting too good at it. at first i was like... struggling w/ it and he could probably tell? esp by how much i texted him and what kinds of texts i sent. but now i’m like, i’ve got a handle on it. i’m good. and it makes me sad. like what is the point of a casual relationship? what’s the point of a relationship you barely care about?

8/26/2018: conflict resolution like bosses >:) i know it’s just a beginning but we didn’t ever even get to a point of real conflict, although we were both approaching the subject at hand from wildly different perspectives and pretty high stakes. no insults or even criticisms, just explaining ourselves, being honest, and both quick to apologize. He definitely gets flustered and then gets a lot less precise about what he’s saying but then he’ll circle back to it when he’s had a minute to process/calm down and can fix whatever he mis-explained previously. It’s good to be back to good. 

8/28/2018: first use of a pet name: drunk text -- “Goodnight cutie. Sweet dreams and I’ll talk to you tomorrow <3″

8/31/2018: the way he reacted when i got suddenly skittish/stressed out was a startling moment in a really good way. He stayed so calm/supportive/reassuring. Who knew that was possible? 

9/1/2018: i think we’re becoming friends :’) meeting someone on a dating app, everything is backward bc the romance and skin comes before the friendship/knowing the person/etc so whenever we hang out for long enough to have time to get into decently long conversations and learn about each other or fight over whether william carlos williams is a good poet or not... it’s nice, and more special. Like, oh! that’s who you are?

9/8/2018: the way that relationships evolve is strange. like, a couple of weeks ago, just getting a text from M or not getting a text from him could change my mood and ability to focus so much bc everything was so new and uncertain and both exciting and stressful. now it’s okay either way. we’ve been dating for a little more than 2 months and things are getting to be sort of familiar and comfortable and less of a constant heart attack. the newness is still strange, there’s always some surprise. The other night he came over w/ his hair down and I was like ???? since when do you have hair like a young eddie vedder?? what is this?? but he was just like... yeah, that’s how it is right after i shower. i had no idea. it’s nice to literally get to watch someone slowly learn to trust you. he doesn’t act shy but it’s also easy to tell that he always has his walls up, I definitely have never seen them down yet, and that is okay. but the more comfortable he gets, the warmer he gets, and that’s really sweet. i’m frequently surprised by how competent of a person he is. he goes to the gym, he eats healthy, he’s a good boss, he’s a good student, he’s a good dog-parent etc. he asks questions like, “reading anything good lately?” and also corrected me instantly when I said KDC died in 93. he communicates clearly/gently/honestly. i’m getting to know some of his flaws, too. anyways i was out w/ a friend (allison c.) last night and we were talking about how shitty men are. i told her that the reason i’m w/ M is mainly just to get a chance to date someone who seems like he can prove that men can actually be really good. told her a story about how M reacted whenever i was having a bad moment and she was like, “I literally have goosebumps rn.” it was cute. reminded me not to take him for granted while he’s in my life. hope i’m not.

9/11/2018: M’s coming over tomorrow and i can’t waittttt. We try to see each other twice a week but sometimes it doesn’t happen and then it feels like forever. But now it’s less than 24 hours until i can hold his hands and kiss his face and i’m so ready.

9/13/2018: If this relationship is going to stick for a while... i can’t wait for the stage to come where i actually know him well enough that i’m not always overanalyzing/overreacting to every little cue. like there’s so much i don’t know that i can learn little things and be like WAIT WHAT? and get really stressed about it and i can’t wait for that to be over. how long til there’s an underlying level of trust/knowledge/comfort? 

9/23/2018: Okay so for the most part this relationship is starting to feel normal. It still doesn’t always feel real just because he is so segregated from the rest of my life. No mutual friends. no school to share, no work to share, no volunteering or show circuit. No one else has met him or even really knows what he looks like bc of a lack of recent pictures. I’m slowly getting more confident and comfortable within it, even though i do still second guess myself a lot more than i usually do. I guess i’m used to being fussed over and spoiled. But this isn’t like that at all. We’re both a) adults and b) busy and c) on opposite sides of the city and he’s still pretty reserved so I know I’m like, low-ish on his priorities list. Like i’m ON the list, but somewhere beneath going to the gym and getting a haircut, and about 10 miles below his dog. It’s fine, it’s only been like 3 months. Less than that. ANYWAY we’ve finally graduated out of the just-casual-relationship category and into the normal relationship category. Or, he said he thought we did a month ago, but I didn’t realize that’s what he was saying. So now I can stop filtering everything I say and do through that ever-present, “is this too serious?” lens and just do what makes sense/comes naturally. or something. I’m super excited about that bc that was getting really tiring and unromantic. 

9/30/2018: Uhhh, we went back into a weird “unlabeled” category where like we’re monogamous but nothing else is defined? Which I think is really lame but I also am trying to be patient and not pressure him and stuff. But I still think it’s silly and juvenile and kind of embarrassing. I mean I know he has his reasons and he needs to work through them on his own and at his own pace but for ME, it’s silly. Anyways. Still feels like there’s so much I don’t know about him or how he works or thinks or feels. But he still is always surprising me by just sheer level of sweetness. I feel like that’s always how I walk away, like, idk that guy but he sure has a kind heart. 

10/4/2018: Ok the back and forth stalling on what we’re even doing and all the associated casual dynamics have kinda killed the romance for me. like it’s cool and all but i’m done obsessing over the relationship and probably won’t be updating this anymore bc i really don’t care and continuing to write about it is just trying to make it a bigger deal to me than it really is.

10/19/2018: Nearly 4 months in and it’s still such a roller coaster, my perspective, optimism/pessimism and level of happiness change like every 48 hours. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of breaking up because we’re too different or because we overworked the dynamics of our relationship too much. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of stepping closer because our good days really are good. I’m always surprised by how complicated every little thing is, questioning where my feelings are coming from and whether i’m either getting carried away on good days or paranoid and trust-issues-y on bad days. And there is definitely also a background kind of darkness/heaviness surrounding the fact that the more time goes by, the more i understand that i’m really not even close to being over R. But on Wednesday he and I went to Red Emma’s and then took his dog for a walk and then watched princess bride (both of our favorite childhood movie) and ended up staying up til 5-something in the morning just lying next to each other talking about bullshit. Like it wasn’t staying up all night to work out something serious or anything. I don’t even remember what we were talking about. I remember at some point he started trying to recite post malone lyrics and could not stop laughing for so long. I remember on 9/8 I wrote that i know i’ve never seen him w/ his guard down and i still usually feel like that, but then sometimes lately i think it comes down for a second and it’s always really nice and makes me think it���s worth working/waiting for. It’s understandable that he’d still have a lot of walls up when our relationship has been so rocky and it’s still in the baby stages anyways. I know he must be feeling more and more sure of us bc the way his sister treats me changed distinctly this weekend. Like she was always super nice, but now she treats me like she expects me to be around/expects to and wants to make friends, which is so nice. He’s still incredible when I get triggered. Sometimes I just suddenly can’t anymore and he’s never even hinted at the slightest inkling of being frustrated by that. 

11/4/2018: “do you love me?” “yes. i do love you. its been screaming in my head to say it every time I look at you.” “then why didn’t you get me a seltzer water?” 

11/30/2018: “I’m breaking up with you, and I want to marry you, and I love you.”

---

update: this is going to be a running/updated post for all bullshit things i think about M but should be telling no one and should absolutely not be posting on the internet. 

[thedappleddragon]

ugh im big stupid and haven't been posting my shit here for a while. I've still been typing it out in my notes, I just havent transferred them onto here lol. im putting it all under the cut, don't worry

Today was pretty dang nice! I spent a little time outside because it was nice and warm out, I drew a little in my sketchbook and digitally rendered a picture of Anna’s new princess outfit, ran an errand with my mom to pick up a graphing calculator and a pack of soda, ate some Wendy’s, and did a lot of sewing for my dress! I joined the bodice lining and exterior, and did a little over half of the sewing for the skirt. I’m doing French seams so there’s no raw edges on the inside, so I still have to iron it and go over the second round of stitches. My machine malfunctioned for a moment with the thread tangling up in the lower bobbin thingy, so I left it alone for like an hour and it fixed itself lol. I’m very happy with how the bodice came out after clipping all the extra fabric in the corners and test fitting it. I think it’ll be great when it’s done!! Although I may or may not need to seam rip a little bit of the skirt to extend the zipper down so I can get it over my fuckin DUMPTRUCK when putting it on. Right now there’s enough stretch to put it on, but Idk how well that’ll stay after attaching the 2 pieces. Also it might end up making me look fat/preggo in the end with how the skirt lays lmao. I also did a really quick test fit with the sleeves, and I might actually like it better sleeveless? I’ll put one on anyway and go from there to see which I like better. HOORAY this dress has pockets!! But I may have put them a little low lol. I wanted to do a big dress debut at prom, but turns out graduates aren’t allowed due to covid restrictions :( so that really sucks. But we’re still gonna hang out a little bit beforehand, and I can still do a debut. I made a little bow out of some scrap dress fabric, which I want to put in my hair for pre-prom. I think I’ll braid my hair, maybe get some fake flowers from dollar tree and ribbon to add somehow, and put the ribbon either at the bottom or the top, wherever the hair tie eventually goes. I’m so exited to work on it more. I’m kinda running out of white thread tho so I’ll have to get more. Later in the evening i got hungry and made ramen while my dad and I watched a documentary on some of the horrible shit that went on all around the world during 2020, some of which I had forgotten about, some that was really surreal and out of a dystopian movie, and some stuff that was just upsetting to watch. It was still pretty good tho. I got work tomorrow and I’m really sleepy even tho it’s only 12:30 so I think I’m gonna grab a snack and go to sleep soon. Gnight mwah

Yesterday I worked and sewed until I ran out of thread and drew a little bit. Spent most of my shift watering flowers, then I went home and ate for a moment, then watered more and picked dead flowers and talked about avatar and other animated shows with the highschool girl I work with. Came home and hung out for a while, that evening made some good pasta. 

Today I justly hung out, then went with mom to pick up a bookshelf and went through strawtown which I thought was a very funny name for a town. There was a cute antique shop in there tho. On the way back we stopped in a sewing shop called Always in stitches. I expected it to be a very small shop, but it was SO much bigger than I thought it would be. They had tons of fabric and quilting supplies, and lots of old ladies working and talking. I picked up a cone of white thread and a fabric sample pack. Then I sewed my dress a little bit. I still have lots to do, and only like 2.5 days to do it. I’ll get there tho. All I have to do is add the skirt hem, add the pockets back in (I took them out so I could see them in normally), add sleeves and hem them, and add the zipper. And attach the skirt to the bodice. I think I’ll be able to do it. I had yogurt for the first time in forever today. Tbh I used just enough to hold together the strawberry and granola bits kgelgskgs. It was pretty good tho. I drew ELEVEN pages in my sketchbook, about 8 of them being a comic about the pony au of our royalty au. I could have done the comic with human characters but ponies are so much easier to draw aggsssdh. I spent 40 minutes typing out the dialogue and editing it on top of the rest of the comic so my friend could read it, but she still hasn’t read my text :( oh well that’s fine lol. The original plot was supposed to be Sam talking to an accidental illusion of me being mean about her blight, but then I accidentally made it something different. I might just draw the alternate ending instead. Update I just did

Yesterday I sewed and went to Menards to buy tile for moms bathroom.

Today was VERY productive, I feel like. I woke up and immediately took a shower and did laundry. I spent some one just sitting on my bed scrolling and researching while listening to medieval remixes of songs lol. At some point I went out to buy subway for everyone and stopped at dollar tree for nail polish and satin ribbon. I made the ribbon into a little choker and wanted to use it for the hem of the skirt, but I was too short. In total I spent HOURS hemming and pinning and seam ripping and ironing and sewing today, but it’s still not done. I gotta kick my ass into high gear if it’s gone be done by Sunday afternoon. I started sewing the bottom hem, but my machine has been doing this weird thing where the fabric scrunches up right past the sewing foot and leaves wrinkles and gathers so loose I can move it around with my hands easily. I think it’s just my tension being too tight or something, I adjusted it a bit and I’ll test it in the morning. I’m too tired and it’s too late at night to be doing that much sewing. I seam ripped the entire back skirt seam so I could extend the zipper a little further down, and I’ll sew it back up once the hem is done. After that all I need to donis connect the skirt to the bocice, fix the zipper, and hem the arm holes. I don’t want to use the sleeves I made because the edges don’t line up at all and I don’t think I would be able to lift my arms, the way it’s built. The nail polish I picked up works way better than I thought it would, leaving a pretty good metallic sheen after just one coat. Way better than I thought for a dollar. I helped mom lay down tile a little bit, ripping up one old tile and helping a bit at a time throughout the day. I kept asking if she wanted help with the actual tiling part but she said no. We also couldn’t get the fuckin box cutter I bought to work. It’s supposed to be easy to replace the blade, but we couldn’t figure it out lol. I’m falling asleep fun. Washed my face twice, trying to take good care of myself before prom so I look good in photos. Gotta wash hair tomorrow. Made hamburger meat

Spent all day sewing and listening to bardcore remixes. Dress is as done as I bother to make it rn

Tbh I was hoping for a little more for today. I’ve spent the last like week or longer working towards this, and going especially in depth the past 3 days. I got all silky smooth, worked for hours on my dress, thought about pretty much nothing except prom day. I was late because my dad had my neighbor come over to take pictures of me in my dress. I thought it was just going to be her holding my dad’s phone to get a picture of us together, but she brought her whole ass professional camera and spent several minutes taking pictures. Then I took the weirdest way possible to get to my friend’s house on accident because google maps said it was the fastest way to get there. But HEY when I did get there I enjoyed hanging out with my friends. We ate some dinner AND??? Sammie I’m sorry if you’re reading this but THE MASHED POTATOES?? WERE S O BLAND????? AFAJSTSTHJST ily but girl. Just a little salt could have gone a long way <3 the steak and especially the green bean casserole were good tho :) dinner was good with the sparkling juice and little desert. Overall everything was just very loud, but that’s to be expected when this is everyone’s first time seeing each other in a goddamn while: actually I think they’ve all seen each other at school without me but hey whatever. I think I fucked up my phone screen on accident by sitting on it while it was in my pocket with my keys, leaving a spiderweb crack in it. I checked and yeah it’s not just the screen protector :( eh I don’t care that much, It didn’t fuck up the lcd screen or anything. We went up to Sam’s room and hung out and talked while she did Liz’s makeup and took pictures, and I borrowed a little of her concealer before photos. There was a little photo shoot in their front yard, and looking at the photos I look a little fat in them but I LOVE all the photos taken in Sam’s room where we were all just hanging out. Idk why but whenever you have to do photos and they say to do a silly one, it never turns out good, but the fun ones you casually take always turn out way better. They’re more genuine :) but then it was time for everyone to go to prom and for me to go home 😔 we only hung out for like an hour and a half. I didn’t want to take off my dress, seeing as I put in so much effort to sew the whole dress and shave and look pretty, so I wore it around the house for a bit until I got tired and went to lay in bed. I watched the mitchels vs the machines, which is a fuckin DELIGHTFUL movie!! Everybody go watch it it’s so cute <3 I also played some Pokémon and watched a little YouTube in bed, but feeling unfulfilled and wanting to do something different, I just didn’t know what. So instead I started typing this up as my sister brought me a cupcake from prom :) I had a bite and put the rest in the fridge, since it was so big and in a plastic container. I texted a friend over Snapchat asking if they had fun at prom, and they said it was kinda ass. I tried relating and saying yeah all school dances are a little ass, and my friend group once had anti prom and played dnd instead, but they just said ‘that’s nice’ back and idk if that means they’re annoyed at me or they’re just tired and didn’t wanna text or what but :( idk. Either way it’s fine, right now all I care about is going to bed. Gnight I guess. Also I keep thinking about that textpost that’s like “diary of icarly” and she talks in these simple-ass sentences and now I feel self conscious about how I write these snafnfs. I already know I write like a child in these, but that’s just because I don’t wanna go through the effort of making this sound nice and professional every day lmao. So child writing it is. Also painted my nails really horribly and it took forever to clean up which made me late

Woke up, went to work, spent a little time stocking, watered indoor plants, then attempting to work the register, and organized plants the rest of the time. I stood behind one of my coworkers as she checked people out, kind of understanding what she was doing but not that much, and read the manual in down periods. She had me check out a couple people, and it was NERVE WRACKING AS HELL. Thankfully everyone was very nice, and my coworker stood by and helped, and right as I was getting my foothold, my boss called for me to work outside and bring in the new shipment of plants. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WAS REALLY NICE?? I was actually able to help some people today!! :D I’m slowly getting better at my job which is nice :) originally I was only gonna work 4 hours, but there were more plants to get and I felt like I could keep going, so I ended up working 6 instead. Every time I come home from the end of my shift I feel bad for not working more and like I should have stayed longer. Tbh I think I could do it if I had a proper break! I’ve been doing 4 hour shifts with maybe a water break in the middle because i don’t know how to ask to go on break ;-; Ike my secondary boss in the garden center is super nice and approachable and friendly but the main boss is like. Terrifying. I never know when he’s joking or being serious and I don’t understand him and assffsfamms it SUCKS. But whatever, I went home and ate some Mac n cheese and laid in bed because my back hurt and played on my ds for the rest of the night. I tried a couple new games, none of which I spent very long on. I tried okami den where you’re the wolf puppy child of the precious games protagonist I think, and idk maybe I’ll give it a better try in the future, but I wasn’t feelin it. I spent like 30 minutes on a pro bass fishing simulator and couldn’t clear the first level because the fish wouldn’t get close enough to my boat lmao. Sonic and Mario at the Olympic Games was fun until I lost at table tennis to Mario. I’d play it again. But I have work again tomorrow so I gotta go to bed good night. Having to blast my fan and play drawfee on my phone to drown out moms tv again >:(

Ate a pbj for breakfast? Went to work, moved plants around, took my lunch break, went to subway with an expired coupon, ate at home and times it perfectly so I could watch one section of the new drawfee episode, went back to work, made myself sad thinking about the god girl homunculus from fullmetal alchemist, picked dead flowers off the petunias, left a little early, hung out at home, left to go get mom’s medicine, found my dad at the store, followed him around and shopped for a bit, can home to unload everything, talked with him about buying one of the cars from him so it would be under mom’s insurance after the divorce, talked about being able to hang out at dads apparent after we help him move, ate some of the stuff we bought, and now I’m hanging out in bed again. I picked up my Pokémon black save and played a while today which was nice. I think I’m gonna work more in the next few days, be really busy with shit for like a week, and finally have a breather after the 15th. I really need to switch brain gears back into college stuff soon so I can sign up for orientation and figure out finances and shit, but for now it’s midnight and I don’t have to think about it lol

Today was pretty good, but also pretty boring. I played Pokémon all day since I didn’t have work, cooked some hamburger meat, and went on an errand for mom but got the wrong thing so I went out later to buy the right thing. I got spicy chicharrones instead of regular ones oops. On my drive back from getting the right thing, I rolled all my windows down and loved the feeling of driving around right after sunset when the weather was nice but cool, especially after standing in mom’s loud-ass room trying to ask about her bank card. I thought about going back out to aimlessly drive around the park and back, but instead hung out in my kitchen as my cat fell asleep on my lap. I think I’m gonna get paid tomorrow, so that’s exciting :D I probably made a solid couple hundred dollars if I had to guess. Idk what I’m getting paid per hour, but it’s probably ~$10 and I COULD go through my texts again to see how much I’ve worked, but I don’t really wanna lmao. I should just start putting that in my notes app instead...

Just had probably the most involved, longest dream ever?? It was a mix of infinity train and dangenrompa, we were mostly stuck inside my house, one boy left for years to search for supplies, I tried biking along a tail that disappeared into tree roots and a ditch with grass, cried because we had been in the same car for so long I was afraid they were gonna make us kill someone to get past, and at the end we escaped or something and had to fuck up security cameras and get past loopholes and lots of cereal boxes were involved? Idk there’s just so much I don’t remember. I wasn't sure if I had to go to work today, so I sent my boss a text and just kinda hung out. was making  hamburger meat for my mom when my boss called asking me to come in, so I took a shower and worked from 1-5. spent some time at the register, and got way better at checking stuff out :) I learned a couple things, and there was one old lady in particular who was very patient and nice to me while my coworker went to go find a smaller bag of birdseed. when it stopped being busy inside, I went ut to the garden center to help price plants and spent the rest of my shift out there. I got paid too! $9 an hour, 22 hours, $200 in total. hell yeah. not bad, although I literally have no frame of reference on if this Is good or not. after work I went home for a second, then got Hardee’s (or carls jr in the western states). I used a coupon for chicken tenders for me and my sister :) and while I was driving around today, I found myself wishing that everything in life could be as smooth and easy as driving my car through my neighborhood. and then I kinda laughed thinking about how I cried my first time driving on a major road asdjfasjdhf. but seriously I love driving my dad’s silver Volvo!! its so comfy with 4 wheel drive and good petal control, its like always driving on freshly paved roads <3 unfortunately that's the car my dad is taking when he moves into his apartment to use as his full time car instead of his shit-ass blue Volvo, and we’re gonna be stuck with the red Volvo with a really touchy gas pedal and slow break pedal. (idk if you've noticed but we really love old Volvos in this family. they’re all old and boxy as hell and I love em <3 ) then I played Pokemon black and beat the elite 4 and champion in one try with a lot of revives lmao. I was kinda underleveled, right at 48-50 range, same as them. I was angry about stuff and in pain earlier in the shower as I washed my hair, but I dont remember exactly what it was. now I have my soft Spotify playlist going so I can maybe go to sleep soon. oh wait I remember being angry that all I could thin about all day was work, even tho it only takes up a few hours of my day, and then I do nothing all day afterwards. idk it’s just weird.

[sequoiann]

❧ l.wz | doubt

pairing; seventeen woozi x reader

genre; angst, fluff at the end !!

synopsis; you’re insecure about everything. he could get someone better, so why hold on to you?

word count; 2.2k words

notes; sorry for not posting much the past few days !! my exams are finally over now so i can hopefully return to my original posting schedules? i’ll try at least aha // o right nd a little spoiler for u all ; do look forward to a long-ass ceo!mingyu and secretary!vernon fic that is in process rn ;)

How’s tour?” you asked, sitting in front of your MacBook placed on your marble desk. You brought your legs up to your chest, hugging it close as if you were cold, although you were already donning a thick hoodie. Resting your chin on your knees, you just stared at Jihoon who was on the other side of the video call. It was past midnight, but you stayed up, regardless. It was the only time when you could actually talk to your boyfriend.He lets out a sigh, leaning back onto the headrest of his bed. You could see the wooden board behind him, and you caught glimpses of his white sheets. “Tiring, as usual,” he said. “But it’s fun.”

You smiled slightly. “It must be. I saw your Going Seventeen episodes.”

Jihoon chuckles. “Yeah, that.”

Out of the blue, you heard a lady’s voice in the background, and Jihoon’s attention turned to the woman, his head tilting up slightly and looking past the screen as he hummed in response to the voice. 

Your facial muscles twisted themselves into a frown, but you casually hid your face behind your knees, only allowing the upper half of your face to be seen. Not like it mattered actually; he wasn’t even looking at you to notice. 

“Be sure to sleep early,” you heard the woman say, and Jihoon smiles, nodding before turning back to you. 

He laughs as he sees you hidden behind your own legs. “What’re you doing?”

“Who was that?” you asked, making sure you didn’t sound upset. You didn’t want to be petty. 

“Suri? She’s just my stylist,” Jihoon said, and you ‘oh’ed.

This time, Jihoon frowns at your curt reply. “Is everything alright?”

You immediately nod, so sharply that you seemed desperate for him to believe you. “Yeah, of course.”

Jihoon doesn’t seem convinced, but he didn’t probe. 

“You should sleep,” you said. “You have schedules tomorrow.”

“Already?” Jihoon whined. “We haven’t talked for long.”

“But I’m tired,” you lied. “I’m sure you are, too. We can talk tomorrow.”

Jihoon took the bait and shrugged. “Alright then. Sweet dreams, babe.”

You smiled, but you weren’t sure if the grin was entirely genuine. “Good night.”

Hanging up the video call, you immediately closed your laptop and walked over to your bed, climbing under the covers and turning off your warmly-lit bedside lamp — the only source of light that was turned on. 

Your mind was clouded grey, fairly matching the shade of your surroundings as moonlight danced lazily past your blinds. Jihoon was in his room. A room in a hotel, for sure, since he was at Manila for his world tour. Then why was his stylist, a female, in his room at this time of the night? The way he had smiled at her, was like the way he smiled at you. 

You shook your head. No, don’t think like that. Jihoon isn’t like that.

But no matter how much you tried to pound your own thoughts down, they wouldn’t dislodge themselves and seemed to only negatively build up. 

Your mood was ricocheting between low and lower. You pictured a slim, beautiful lady, and the fact that she was a stylist probably would greatly contribute to her looks. And the fact that she can be with him every single day, through his tours, and you couldn’t… 

Everything was just piling on top of each other. Unconsciously, your eyes fall shut, and a lone tear squeezes its way out of your tear glands and trickles down your face, for once not making you look like a mess that you internally were. 

That call was a big addition to your growing list of insecurities about your relationship with Jihoon. Jihoon had been calling you less, but no, it wasn’t his fault since he was an idol — you understood that. You really did. But somehow, at the same time, you somehow didn’t want to come to terms with it. You didn’t want to concede that that was the sole factor of why he wasn’t calling, and why your conversations became so much more dull, so much more insipid. 

‘Suri’, as he had introduced his stylist, could be the reason too, isn’t it? Or anyone else, for that matter. He could get so many other girls. Any other girl.

There goes your thoughts again, leading their own way. 

You subconsciously started beating yourself up; you were suddenly drained of all your energy. The pretty blue skies, the clouds out — that was something that made you smile every day; you loved seeing sunlight peek past those make-believe cotton candies. But everything gradually became bleak and tenebrific. Nothing really mattered anymore. It was as if you were going through post-symptoms of a breakup, but you were still in the relationship. That made you even more afflicted because you no longer knew the meaning of your love. 

You lost your appetite along with your spirit, and meals suddenly became a commonly unpicked option in your daily life. Calls were shortened or declined, messages lessened or ignored. 

The dawn sun peered through a hazy screen of clouds, painting the sky an elaborate mix of bloodied reds and vibrant oranges, intertwined with smoky greys that permeated the skyway canvas, showing hints that it may bring a mild drizzle later on.

You straightened out your legs whilst still lying down, arching your back a little as you stretched yourself out. You pushed the blankets off, immediately feeling the warmth of sleep slowly begin to slip away. Standing up, your bare feet pressed softly against the cushy carpet.

Another day to get by, you thought. 

You headed to your washroom to brush your teeth and rinse your face and all that stuff. 

Your doorbell suddenly rings, making you jump. Your eyes traveled to the clock hanging on the wall, its hands pointing to 11am. Pretty late already, so you held back your irritance about someone coming over ‘so early in the morning’.

Quickly glancing down at yourself, you internally thanked the heavens that you were appropriately clothed — brown pullover with grey sweatpants. Presentable, you would dare say. 

 You wiped your wet hands on the towel hanging beside the sink and combed down your hair, running your fingers through it to give it some natural ‘volume’, before rushing to the door.

You pressed down on the handle and pulled the door open, and a man all too familiar to you stands behind it.

Jihoon. 

“J-Jihoon.” You were so taken aback that you stumbled on your words. “I thought you were returning tomorrow.”

He steps in, and you let him. He closed the door behind him and pulled you in a hug, and your chin rested on his shoulder. But somehow, you couldn’t feel the warmth that his hugs usually had. You found yourself hesitating to hug him back. 

You haven’t seen him for 3 months, mind you.

“Yeah, I was supposed to. Surprise,” he said, chuckling. “I missed you.”

You didn’t know how to respond; you knew he knows that there was something going on. And the point that he wasn’t questioning you made you confused. 

Jihoon let you go, and the look in his eyes confirms your thoughts. He does know that something is wrong. He just doesn’t know what. 

“Why didn’t you reply to my messages?” he asked. “I was worried.”

“I was busy with school,” you said, avoiding his gaze indifferently. “You don’t have to be.”

“Then what happened to our night calls?” 

“I… had to finish assignments. Finals are coming up.”

Jihoon frowns, but you tried to shake off the atmosphere that was building tension. “You must be tired. Do you want to go sleep? We can go out for lunch or dinner later.”

Jihoon raised a dubious eyebrow, unfazed. “Y/N, is something wrong?”

You let out a laugh. “No, what could be wrong?”

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking,” he said. “Why did you lose so much weight?”

You weren’t going to spill everything here. You cocked your head to a side, then looked down at yourself. “I did?”

Jihoon was now getting frustrated. “Yes, you did. Now tell me, what happened? Did someone hurt you?”

“No, it’s nothing,” you insisted, but your voice broke slightly at the last word. No, you told yourself, you were going to hold out. It’s funny how you were putting on a brave front in front of Jihoon, when he used to be someone you could just cry your eyes out to. Your eyes were starting to glisten, the brown orbs looking like they were encased in glass. “I said it’s nothing.”

Jihoon’s expression hardens, but his gaze was still soft. It made you look away from him, and the uncontrollable sniff gave you away. 

“Y/N,” Jihoon said, his voice grim. “Why aren’t you telling me---”

“Because there’s nothing to tell you,” you reiterated as firmly as you could, your gaze dropping. 

Jihoon went silent for a moment, his gaze not shifting off you, while your eyes constantly shifted from one place to another, trying to find something to focus on. Jihoon’s jaw clenches for a moment but releases a second later.  

“Is it because it’s because of me?” he asked, as if he had been trying to phrase the question properly in his head for the past few seconds of quietness. 

You didn’t reply, and that was the answer to his question. 

“It is,” he confirmed himself. “Why? Did I do something?” Jihoon was sounded almost desperate to get you to talk to him.

You didn’t know what to say to him.

“Just tell me, Y/N!” Jihoon vented, possible too brutally, but he was getting annoyed at your obstinacy. “I did something wrong, and you’re supposed to tell me what it is! I’m your boyfriend, I should never be the one making you upset!”

You snapped your head up, your eyes now just slightly bloodshot. “Fine, I’m upset, I’m hurt! Happy now? I don’t deserve this relationship, Jihoon. I don’t want to be in this relationship. You’re better. You deserve better, not this. I can never be with you all the time, I can never give you some things that other girls would definitely be able to give you. I’m tired of being afraid that our relationship would break, I’m tired of being insecure that you’d find someone else! That girl in your room the other day, your stylist or whoever the hell you said she was, I brooded on that, and I kept thinking about everything else. It’s like our relationship is dying, but it’s annoying the fuck out of me because I still love you. I’m sorry I’m making such a big fuss about everything, but I spent the last three months feeling like I wasn’t actually loved back, okay!?”

You were a crying mess now, your chest heaving as you breathed heavily. You looked away from him again, pulling your hand back from his to wipe your tears away. You took a couple of deep breaths to calm the wracking sobs from inside of you. 

“I-I’m sorry,” Jihoon muttered, in a state of shock. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think so much about that, I didn’t think about your feelings… I’m so, so sorry, Y/N.”

You let out a soft grumble, your tears starting to stop its endless flow after hearing Jihoon's softened voice. He wraps his arms around you once again, this time tighter. Sighing quietly, you knew you would never be able to stay angry at him. He’s Jihoon, after all.

“I love you, Y/N, I really do. I don’t deserve better, there’s nothing better than you. I don’t want us to end. I’m sorry for neglecting us during the tour. I was really busy, but I know I should’ve talked to you, I’m sorry.”

Your face was buried in the pit of his neck, and this time, you hugged back. “It’s okay… Just… at least focus on the call next time or something.”

Jihoon nodded, planting a soft kiss on your head. The both of you stayed there for a little while with him swaying you side to side every now and then, before he loosened the embrace, and his hands drifted to your waist. It settled there and he pulled you closer. His face angled to the side slightly as he gently pressed his lips to yours. 

I love you, his whispered against your lips, and you smiled through your own tear-streaked face.

I love you too. 

[kinetic-elaboration]

December 4: Christmas Market

I am soooo tired rn.

I guess that’s fine. I can go to sleep soon. I have so much I want/need to do this weekend and I already know I’m not gonna want to do ANY of it lol.

It doesn’t feel like tomorrow should be Saturday because I haven’t worked on site on a Friday in months. I almost DON’T want it to be the weekend in a way because while I do want to sleep in tomorrow and be lazy, I don’t want to... do all this stuff I need to do. Decorating. Baking. Gift stuff. Tons of writing. I want to finish two fics this weekend, which is a lot for me.

Anyway. The day was all right overall. I went into the library in the afternoon and had enough free time to do things like go down to compact shelving. Afterwards, I went Christmas shopping. I usually do this on Saturdays and have a whole day of it but this year it was dark and I was tired and I had a ride to get back to, so it wasn’t as fun. But actually still nicer than I was expecting.

The main complication this year is that the timing is so hard. The staff holiday exchange is the 18th but since we’re dropping stuff off for our giftees early and then picking up our gifts separately, we have to have our gifts at the library by the 11th. But I don’t work on the 11th so my deadline is the 9th. Which is quite early. And then I’m sending gifts to my parents, but I’m collecting them all here first, wrapping them up, and then putting them in a box and sending them off. And some of them require multiple steps. And I need to time the post office drop off to my work schedule because that’s when I leave the neighborhood. And you know the mail is gonna be insane this year. So it’s just complicated and I’m not into that.

My shopping trip was semi-successful. I couldn’t get my mom tea because the tea shop has closed. I’m very bummed about this because I loved that place. The upside is they were a chain (who knew) and the chain sells online. So I can still get the teas I like. But the shopping experience is gone. The bookstore also had like zero Christmas cards and very few wrapping options so I shall probably be scrounging stuff from the bags I have saved from other people’s gifts to me.

I did successfully get peanuts for my dad and my coworker, and a calendar for my mom. There was also a small Christmas market going on, which I spent some time at. It was pretty dark, and my glasses kept fogging up (I usually wear a different sort of mask so I’m not used to that happening... this one is prettier but ugh I can’t see!), so it was hard to actually look at the stuff being sold. A lot of pretty jewelry...but I wasn’t shopping for myself lol. I got a replacement gift for my mom that may or may not be successful, and a very delicious hot cider for myself.

For my dad, I was going to get prints of some pics of him, me, and my mom last Thanksgiving and then frame them, but the logistics of that turned out to be too difficult because I don’t want to send glass in the mail. So I decided to get a small photo album and fill it with prints instead, which is what lead me to looking through all these old pictures on my computer. Now it’s almost 11.... ugh. I always remember the nice aesthetic of the holidays but not how it’s so tiring and there’s so many things to do/remember. Even though I actually do not have that many responsibilities comparatively! Ah well!