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lunanoc · 8 months

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so probably against what should have been my better judgment, i went ahead and actually wrote “meta”, except it’s only borderline meta because it ends up veering off into crack theory territory and is also insanely long, but i figure since it’s now too long to be posted as a discord liveblog like it was supposed to be, i might as well just. post it here (in several parts because no one wants a 10k post lbr)

disclaimer: i like to be transparent about where i’m coming from, so just know that i have not finished reading all the books yet. currently i’m practically through everything, books and extras included, up until and including sand sea part III, so anything i talk about relating to that is my own reading experience. i’ll sometimes reference later books i’ve either read snippets of, or talked about with people who have (and verified the information as best as i could), but because i lack full context for those, any mentions of those elements are automatically grain of salt and relegated to crack theory. for everything i have read that i can grab quotes for, i’ll be providing clear references to the specific chapters of the books they’re from

also, blanket spoiler warning for the books

but that being said, let me actually get into this thing:

king shang of lu, the iron-masked gentleman, king mu of zhou, the queen mother of the west, how they’re connected, who they might be, and what that could mean for the larger dmbj narrative

PART I: KING SHANG OF LU AND THE IRON-MASKED GENTLEMAN

writing this shaved years off of me, the rabbit-holing was insane, and there’s still no clear answers in the end but welcome to the ride i guess

starting off here, the problem with these two characters is that we have conflicting information about them from three different sources that all give a different version of the same story, all of which are various degrees of dubious for different reasons. and you could say ok but really, who cares i do apparently about these two because in the larger plot they don’t really amount to much in the end

BUT

given both the things we learn by the end of sand sea (and elements that pop up in later installments) about all the various parties involved in what’s essentially a subplot, and the fact npss goes into so much detail with such a deliberate throwback to something all the way back in the first book, i don’t think the fact that the various versions of the story of king shang of lu sometimes blatantly contradicting themselves is a mistake, but is rather proof of deliberate obfuscation of the truth. npss tends to like revisiting sometimes seemingly anecdotal or trivial things from previous books to connect them with a subsequent revelation, or open the door to a different interpretation of them, so that he’d do it here isn’t all that surprising to me

the three versions of the story of “the emperor” (or the ruler of the state of lu), king shang of lu, and the iron-masked gentleman we get are, in order of appearance:

version 1 from a silkbook found in the purple jade box in “king shang of lu”’s coffin (Book 1, Ch. 26, Purple Jade Box)

version 2 from xiaoge himself who gives an opposing account to the previous one that he supposedly read from a warring states period silkbook he found in a song dynasty tomb (Book 1, Ch. 26-27, Purple Jade Box / Lies)

version 3 from the powerpoint lesson given by the wang family to li cu (Sand Sea Part III, Ch. 132, 133, 134, Lesson / King Mu of Zhou / Deception)

the first two accounts are both from book 1 and immediately follow each other, but neither of them quite fit with the last one, or at least it would seem so. you could argue this is simply because book 1 was when npss was still trying to figure things out both with his plot and characters, so the final account given by the wang family is a retcon, and while that’s always possible, like i mentioned, npss likes to connect things and tends to either incorporate these kinds of seemingly obscure and irrelevant details for a reason, or simply retroactively fleshes them out to revisit them at a later date and shed a new light on the bigger picture. so it’s more the fact we just don’t know which things he implements deliberately from the start and which ones he ties back to retroactively, but in the end seeing as the result is the same it doesn’t matter much. what does matter is that he does it pretty consistently, so it’s safe to assume he’s also doing it with this particular story (side tangent, but i like to think that npss has shown he’s a big fan of something called chekov’s gun and no i won’t elaborate on that or else i’ll be here for hours but google that if you’re interested it’s fun)

so tldr; i basically just want to argue that by intentionally bringing back this story with obvious divergences, it might be a way to shed light on something else that informs king shang of lu’s story while placing it as a puzzle piece in the bigger picture of dmbj lore

but let’s break down those three different accounts of the story of king shang of lu

the first account

i’m going to tldr; most of these for the sake of clarity, but i’ll be referencing the various chapters all these bits are taken from if you want to verify any of it

technically the first real account of king shang of lu’s story we get is what’s written on the stone slab in the hall with all of the coffins in the seven star palace that says that he was “born with a ghost seal and could borrow ghost soldiers from the underworld” (Book 1, Ch. 10, Shadow), but i’m not counting that as a full-blown version of the story because it’s not dwelt on all that much and mostly serves as a preamble for pangzi to later posit to wu xie that it’s a bunch of bs and was probably just an exaggeration meant to mythologize king shang of lu given that the tomb itself is a weird anachronistic mix of western zhou and warring states architecture (which is an important argument but maybe not for the reasons you’d think)

so i consider the first fleshed-out version of king shang of lu’s story we get to be the one wu xie reads off of the silkbook he and wu sanxing pull from “king shang of lu”’s coffin, and is one that very quickly gets debunked within book 1 itself multiple times, so while it may seem easy enough to write off, it’s not so much what it says that’s interesting, but rather why it exists in the first place

this version of the story essentially relates the life and deeds of king shang of lu, recorded on what’s supposed to be a warring states period silkbook pulled from the man’s own coffin. it talks about how he inherited his title from his father and was a lowly grave robber lord who was cruel and greedy, and how one day he gained from a snake demon/spirit in a tomb he excavated “two treasures” in a “purple and gold box” (this will be important later) which are never explicitated, although wu xie speculates one of those treasures to be the ghost seal as its acquisition is directly mentioned in the text. the snake comes to king shang of lu in a dream and promises to make him a high-ranking official and teach him how to use the treasures in the box if he spares its soul (he doesn’t). and so king shang of lu becomes a military officer under the command of the “emperor” of the state of lu. in his later years, however, he starts to get old and sick, and so the “emperor” demotes him back into being a lowly grave robber, and he starts to fear death, so king shang of lu goes to his military advisor, the “iron-masked gentleman” or 铁面先生 tiemian xiansheng, in search of a solution. the iron-masked gentleman then tells him that something called jade burial armor, a treasure from ancient times, exists, and that it can keep someone young forever. so king shang hunts and hunts and scours tomb after tomb until eventually he finds a western zhou dynasty tomb which will later become the seven star palace where he discovers a corpse wearing the famed jade buriam armor. iron mask takes the corpse out of the armor, subdues the blood zombie it turns into, and then helps king shang of lu fake his death in front of the “emperor” so he can be buried in the tomb he built for himself on top of the western zhou tomb he’d found (Book 1, Ch. 26, Purple Jade Box)

however

this version is quickly debunked twice in pretty quick succession, and then a third time a bit later, still in book 1, but before i get to that, a few extra little details i want to point out:

to be fair literally no one (who doesn’t speak chinese and is reading the original text anyway) would be able to guess either from the translation or merebear’s footnotes that “iron-masked scholar/gentleman” or 铁面先生 is not in fact necessarily meant to be taken literally. it’s partly an idiom. 铁面 tiemian is an expression that can mean “someone who is upright in character”, in other words someone with a positive reputation. so this man isn’t necessarily implied to have worn a mask at all (i think he did, but that’s also for later)

the purple and gold box that’s mentioned in this version of the story is the one wu xie finds in the hands of the corpse of the green-eyed fox (who’s also wearing the belt that has the qilin blood clot wu xie accidentally swallows can you believe, which is also another detail for later) that’s accompanied by a key in the corpse of a woman next to it (Book 1, Ch. 22, The Eightfold Treasure Box)

the second account

before we get into the first version of the story more, let’s briefly take a look at the second one. the first version of the story is first debunked by the second version of the story which is told in abridged format by xiaoge pretty much right after wu xie finishes reading the silkbook. he says that the silkbook’s account is incorrect because the person in the jade armor isn’t king shang of lu, but iron mask who faked his own death in order to escape the systematic execution king shang of lu enacted on all the people who knew about and/or helped build his tomb. he then snuck into the seven star palace and disposed of king shang of lu’s body before taking the jade armor for himself

xiaoge explains that he found this story in a song dynasty tomb he’d robbed a few years ago that contained a complete silkbook that turned out to be iron-masked gentleman’s memoirs (Book 1, Ch. 27, Lies). and you’d be inclined to believe this version of the story over the first one because it’s xiaoge telling it, and xiaoge usually isn’t one for intentional deception unless it serves a purpose, even less so if it’s verbal deception (literally the only time i can think of him openly lying rather than lying by omission is when he disguises himself as professor zhang). except even this version is called into question multiple times. the first time is by wu xie himself, who while choosing not to confront xiaoge about it, senses that xiaoge seems uneasy when wu xie presses him on the point that if it’s true that two people were pulled out of the jade armor in that tomb, then why is there no second blood corpse. xiaoge answers that he doesn’t know because iron masks’s memoirs only mention it briefly, and that maybe king shang of lu was pulled out early enough that he didn’t turn into a blood zombie. technically there’s the mummified body they find in the sacrificial ding cauldron next to the coffin with the monster at the entrance to the seven star palace whose head is cut off that could fit that description (Book 1, Ch. 9, Ancient Tomb), but in any case xiaoge according to wu xie looks like he’s lying. the second time this version is refuted is by wu sanxing, but i’ll get to that when i get back to the first account and how it also gets debunked

arguments against the second account

i already mentioned xiaoge isn’t typically someone who’s into overt deception as a course of action unless it’s strictly necessary (and even then). it’s always possible he was either acting on a compulsion from the heavenly gift or under some order from chen pi ah si (since he was working for him at the time, even if i doubt this to be completely honest) or even something else, so it’s mostly my own assumption that he’s not actively deceiving them by fabricating a story, because xiaoge’s deception usually relies on omission rather than a concentrated effort at producing an elaborate lie. so really, the only fact we can be certain of is that he has an “uneasy look in his eyes” when he talks about the lack of another blood corpse, and that wu xie gets the impression he’s lying, which is a sentiment wu sanxing apparently shares because they look at each other in that moment and silently agree. whether this means xiaoge was *actually* lying, or that wu sanxing was taking advantage of xiaoge’s unease to further his own deception (re: arguments against the first account i’m getting to in a bit) is really up in the air

however

i’d like to think if xiaoge was lying and there was nothing more to it than that, he wouldn’t make it so apparent that that was the case given he only ever really projects visible upset or discomfort at anything when it’s related to his memories or lack thereof, and only much later in the story does that start to extend to allowing himself moments of vulnerability, or just his own brand of open concern for wu xie and pangzi. but this is all happening in book 1 where wu xie, as perceptive as he is about people, doesn’t know xiaoge yet, and so doesn’t know his tells. therefore that he can tell xiaoge is visibly emoting when it’s xiaoge is noteworthy in itself. also, given that book 1 takes place at a time when xiaoge’s memory was still very much lacking and fragmented, and he was likely still working for chen pi ah si partly to search for his memories, i wouldn’t be surprised if his unease was visible because the confrontation of both the first and second versions of the story started triggering his memory in some capacity, or it might have even triggered the heavenly gift senses into letting him know that there was something of importance in these stories since the particular episode of it he’s going through at the time gets a bit fast-forwarded from the seven star palace onward seeing as not too long afterwards xiaoge goes into the gate at the end of book 3

something else that’s worth mentioning is the logic behind these memoirs of iron mask even existing. why it would be in a song dynasty tomb is up for debate and probably irrelevant (although it does to be fair align with king mu’s motives of perpetuating grave robbing for deliberate dissemination of information), but mostly i question how he could have written his memoirs if he faked his death and slipped into the jade armor himself shortly after, unless he waited a significant amount of time before doing so and lived his life in hiding, which is also possible given there’s nothing more we know about him. but more food for thought

arguments against the first account

let’s go back to the first account from the silkbook for a bit and take a look at the other two times besides xiaoge’s second account where this version is debunked:

the second debunking comes from wu sanxing as he and wu xie are waiting around in jinan while panzi is in the hospital, and wu sanxing comes back outraged bc when he tried to have the silkbook they brought back from “king shang of lu”’s coffin, he was apparently told it was a forgery because the gold in it was too pure to have dated back to the warring states period, and so was necessarily more recent, though how recent is never specified (Book 1, Ch. 29, Purple-and-Gold Box). he then suggests to wu xie that he thinks it’s xiaoge who snuck into the tomb ahead of them, and with his skills successfully planted a dupe to trick them. i’ll get back to this eventually, but again, while it’s not impossible, it feels unlikely to me that xiaoge would extend so much effort in deception unless it served a clear purpose he agreed with, which is why i’m not convinced he would have blindly been following orders from someone like chen pi ah ai. and xiaoge would likely not have gone to the trouble of making a fake silkbook either, so the idea would have to have come from chen pi ah si, which then brings into question what motive chen pi ah si would have had to go to such lengths to deceive wu sanxing. again, really the only time we ever see or hear of xiaoge making an effort at deliberate deception is when he disguises himself as professor zhang, and while we never get an explanation for the reasons behind that, that’s more likely to have stemmed from feeling like he had to conceal his identity rather than wanting to deceive if that makes sense. in any case, i don’t know what tangible reason xiaoge would have had to deceive wu sanxing and his team with a fake silkbook even if he’d been acting on chen pi ah si’s orders, because would chen pi ah si have had a reason to go to the effort of creating a fake silkbook to deceive wu sanxing with details so specific that you quite literally have to have been in that tomb before to know them?

the third debunking of the silkbook version is ironically a reverse uno from xiaoge directed at wu sanxing when he, wu xie, and pangzi are stuck in wang zanghai’s tomb in xisha (Book 1, Ch. 63, Chain). xiaoge’s just recovered a massive amount of his memories related to the first xisha expedition, and very bluntly tells wu xie that not only is the silkbook from the seven star palace a fake, it was wu sanxing who planted it there. to which wu xie obviously responds with “wtf no you did”. to which xiaoge then replies completely deadpan as he does with “no, it was your sanshu, he and da kui dug a hole under the tree to do it, probably why da kui had to be silenced”. which leaves wu xie very torn about what and who to believe. and mind you this is also a little before they find the inscription on the wall from “xie lianhuan” accusing wu sanxing of murdering him. honestly it’s possible xiaoge is telling the truth if you consider that wu sanxing might have planted a fake if he knew ahead of time what the silkbook contained, what the seven star palace was, and basically faked his own way through the entire thing

it wouldn’t necessarily surprise me because he does sound very pretends to be shocked in the delivery of many of his remarks (but again, how much of that can you attribute to this being book 1), and while he did bring wu xie along because he was trying to ease him into the game with the wangs, it’s possible he was prudent enough that he would have made wu xie’s first tomb experience take place in a somewhat controlled environment. which doesn’t mean he’d necessarily been there before, just that as entrenched in the wang shit as he is, i wouldn’t be surprised if he’d known even vaguely what the seven star palace represented and what could be found in there. he did know about the snake cypress and about the stone used to subdue it, and while that doesn’t necessarily mean anything seeing as wu sanxing is a highly experienced tomb robber, it’s worth noting that the only times we’ve ever seen those trees is in the seven star palace and in the snake mine in gutongjing. in other words, always somewhere connected to longevity and The Secret and all the parties involved in that power struggle

but then again, we don’t really know how much wu sanxing knew about the wangs and the zhangs etc, so it’s all very up to interpretation. if he did in fact plant the fake silkbook though, it might have served the purpose of making sure there was something to string wu xie along to push him towards xisha and the conspiracy, but the copper fish ended up serving that purpose in the end. nothing really elaborates on this silkbook again, so we don’t know why xiaoge would speculate that wu sanxing was the perpetrator, unless it was because he’d just recovered his memories of xisha (but even then xiaoge doesn’t accuse people so firmly based on impression alone) or he literally saw wu sanxing do it

regardless of who did it, the bottom line is that it’s safe to say the silkbook was probably fake and was placed there intentionally, both because as wu sanxing points out, it is suspicious that wu xie would conveniently only be able to understand what happened to be key portions of the silkbook relating parts of king shang of lu’s life, and because it mentions the purple and gold box in it, which when opened, wu xie discovers contains the first snake-eyebrowed copper fish

to me this actually pushes suspicion more heavily onto two parties in particular: wu sanxing and the wang family. because to be able to forge a silkbook that would specifically contain passages tailored to wu xie’s knowledge of old chinese and not run the risk of him either knowing more or less than speculated, you would have to have extensive knowledge on wu xie as a person on a personal level. and to be fair, this idea hinges a lot on the silkbook being put into that coffin for wu xie specifically ti find, so i’m working on assumptions again, but if this were the case, then only wu sanxing and the wangs qualify to fill that role, and in some ways the wangs even more so because this kind of covert manipulation is very much the way they do things. xiaoge would not have known wu xie to that extent in book 1, if at all, and while wang zanghai himself is a tempting possibility, he was obviously in the seven star palace long before any of this took place, so it can’t be him. in fact, the only thing that ties wang zanghai to any of this at all is the purple and gold box containing the copper fish, since whether or not the box had originally been there and he simply emptied it of its contents or brought it in from outside, he’s the one who placed the copper fish in it

as to why if it was wu sanxing who planted the fake silkbook he would shift the blame onto xiaoge, my theory on that would be that xiaoge was another convenient means of stringing wu xie along into the xisha expedition mystery by virtue of him being zhang qiling and therefore both highly mysterious and suspicious, as well as personally involved. part of me wonders if part of the reason wu sanxing went to chen pi ah si to hire xiaoge specifically because he was added insurance that he would have the means to trigger wu xie’s curiosity, and provide a first clue to lead him into the It conspiracy. wu sanxing did use the picture of the expedition team to explicitly tie xiaoge into it along with the copper fish story, so there’s that to consider

the third account

which finally brings me to the final version of the king shang of lu story, which is the one given to li cu during the wang family powerpoint lesson. this particular version also overlaps with the story of king mu of zhou and the queen mother of the west, but i’ll get to in another part of this meta. so this version of the story is mostly ironically both the version that most blatantly contradicts the first two, while also being the version most accurate to the tiny introduction we get to king shang of lu at the entrance of the seven star palace that says he was “born with a ghost seal and could borrow ghost soldiers from the underworld”. the only real issue with that this third version has it’s told by the wang family to li cu, so just by virtue of it coming from obvious wang propaganda, it’s immediately suspicious by nature

going back to speculations about who planted the fake silkbook version of king shang of lu’s story in the seven star palace, it then also raises the question of, if the wangs were the ones who did it, what motive they would have had not only to do so, but to tell the story in that particular way, only to then tell a completely different one to someone they consider a candidate to join them. in my opinion, the only thing that makes this third version hold water is that given how it’s explained to li cu, and how wang xiaoyuan (the girl who passes by the window during the lesson) has the same version of it, the wang family believes this version is true, and by virtue of that, it gains a little more credibility, bc suspicious as they are and twisted by their own biases their version of history may be, the wang family is nonetheless well-informed for the most part. not to mention because the narrative has the wang family consistently mirror the zhang family and the way they function so perfectly it’s almost eerie, it stands to reason that the wang family also dabble in historical revisionism when they can, so putting out a fake version of history onto a fabricated silkbook seems up their alley

i’ll get into king mu of zhou separately because that’s a whole other can of worms, but this final version of king shang of lu’s story begins between the “emperor” of the state of lu and his advisor, the owner of a fox mask “with ancient patterns that often appeared on bronze ware” (Sand Sea Part III, Ch. 132, Lesson). the “emperor” asks his advisor “around 1000 BC” (fyi the original says 一千年上下 which amounts to “around 1000 years” but it’s more of an approximation and can technically encompass the warring states period too) as a hypothetical whether or not it’s possible “to prevent people from dying”, to which the advisor answers that he himself doesn’t know how, but he does know where to find something that can “beneath the loess inside the mountains”. he then goes on to tell the tale of king mu of zhou to the “emperor”, and of how he was given an elixir of immortality by the queen mother of the west that he likely hid inside of his tomb centuries ago

it very quickly becomes apparent to the reader that this story is an obvious ploy by the owner of the fox mask, who in sensing that the “emperor”, while tempted, is reluctant to cast all appearance of morality aside to deploy his troops to rob king mu of zhou’s grave, calls a “strange man” to the court who’s “believed to be a descendent of the zhou emperor” (that is to say king mu of zhou) “who was able to communicate with the underworld”. the ruler of the state of lu thus gives this “strange man” a jade seal and seals him in an iron coffin deep in a well for 49 days, saying that if he can come back up from it with the ghost seal in hand after having successfully spoken to king mu of zhou, then it would be proof of king mu granting him permission to rob his tomb and take the immortality elixir from it. and so this “strange man” does, in fact, come back, not only with the ghost seal in hand, but with an imperial edict written by king mu of zhou himself that granted him the title of king shang (殇 shang meaning to die young or at war) as well as all the contents of his tomb

the ruler of the state of lu then uses this to make several leaps in logic to justify being in the right if he deploys his troops to rob king mu of zhou’s tomb, because if this “strange man” can communicate with the underworld and was given a title relating to dead people, then surely that means that this strange “king shang” is likely dead himself, and that king mu of zhou chose him as his heir after he’d died. it’s a very convenient out for the ruler of the state of lu to say that he’s only helping an esteemed deceased elder to recover his birthright if he makes him a general and lends him troops to go find king mu of zhou’s tomb (Sand Sea Part III, Ch. 133, King Mu of Zhou)

it’s also quickly obvious to the reader that the owner of the fox mask and this newly minted king shang of lu are in fact working together, given it was the former who referred the latter to the state of lu’s court in the first place, which is something i’ll come back to in another part of this meta. from here, under the ruler of the state of lu’s orders, king shang and the owner of the fox mask, together with more grave robbers who also wore fox masks (as according to the wang family, foxes would live in graveyards and grave robber’s tunnels at the time, and so grave robbers associated their imagery with the profession), began their search for king mu of zhou’s tomb and the immortality elixir it supposedly contained. while this version of the story of king shang of lu more or less ends here, you could assume the rest of it might follow along the same lines of the first two versions, and maybe it does. you’d then assume that the person king shang and the owner of the fox mask (who’s by then inferred to be iron mask from the previous two versions) find in the western zhou tomb is king mu of zhou, who they then divest of the jade burial armor to take for themselves

however, one very important detail in this version compromises this assumption: king mu of zhou isn’t actually dead, and he thus gave king shang the edict personally (Sand Sea Part III, Ch. 134, Deception). what this means is that the ruler of the state of lu was duped presumably not by two, but three people, all of whom were working together to find the jade burial armor for who appears to be king mu of zhou. in other words, where the other two versions of the story have two key players, this final version suddenly introduces a third one, and that changes things. how much it does is what i’ll be getting into in the next part on king mu of zhou more specifically

(tbc in part II and part III of this madness)

#dmbj #meta #dmbj meta #dmbj novels #i cannot believe i actually wrote this this was not planned #like at all #this was meant to be an unhinged liveblog mini thing #not whatever this is #i guess the crack theory conspiracy theorist is going public #if you don't know where i'm going with this that's ok i don't either

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glaciertea · 2 months

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Masterlist here

Tales the Songs Weave

Ch.25<< >>Ch.27

Notes: Taking a peek into a therapy session for Miguel.

Chapter 26: Spreaded Wings in the Winds

Word count: 2.7k

Shades are drawn down, and a lone lamp covers most of the area that the person sitting adjacent to the hulking man needs.

Time was ticking, and so were his thoughts. His eyes always looked at the ceiling, but today he chose the ground, taking in the sounds of flipping pages or tapping on a screen.

She was efficient, but Dr. Penelope never makes him feel like he's some sort of guinea pig to be studied under some microscope. He was always grateful for that.

“I'm always ready to continue on. Now that I know I'm not necessarily confined to this one singular event, I want to venture on, but there's these moments where I look up to the sky, waiting for that bleak, multicolored death.”

There was a slight pause. “Have the nightmares been coming back from the last time we spoke, Mr. O'hara?”

His eyes closed for a second, and he enjoyed the silence before fluttering them back open.

“I did have a couple.”

“How many in the span of two weeks?”

He tilted his head. “Maybe three? Four? Between three and five.”

She notes it down and reviews older observations. “And I assume you've been practicing the exercises?”

“Yes. She helps me out when need be, but I've been mostly trying for myself.”

“And you've expressed your concerns about Mrs. O'Hara attempting to jump in when you want to practice it alone, like I've asked, right?”

He softly laughed. “Yes, she gets worried every time, but I told her it does make me slightly more nervous if she tries to intervene sometimes, so she understood and will let me be if needed.”

“That's good. Now, have these nightmares been related to your thoughts about the world disappearing?”

He's glad to have gotten used to that clock. At first, it was the most obnoxious and irritating noise in the world or in all of the multiverse.

But now, it's a strange comfort.

“Yes. Because it switches between Gabriella and mi Lun- my wife. Or there are moments where the two merge, and I'm doing everything in my power to keep them alive.”

Miguel fidgets with his wedding band, twisting it back and forth. Soft breathing matches up with the clicking of time.

“Would you like to discuss the most recent one?”

Biting his tongue, he debates. Dr. Penelope places the notebook to the side, providing that much-needed space.

“This time, they were together. Not merged, but separate. Mi osi- Gabi, was holding her hand, and they both had this look of calmness to them. Like they were... happy.” More twisting of the ring. “The world around us was disintegrating, and I was screaming, begging, and commanding them to stop standing there and let me get them to safety.”

A pregnant pause, then a long sigh. “But they kept smiling. Hand in hand, smiling and telling me it's going to be okay. That things were going to be okay.”

“Did you still try to run for them?”

He shook his head. “I—I didn't.” He swallowed back the lump, the stinging settling in. “My brain was hounding me to ignore what they were saying, that they didn't understand the danger they were in, but my body... My body decided to stay rooted to the ground. I couldn't move a muscle; I could only watch as the colors came closer and closer. I needed to save them, but... but I didn't.”

The pen scratched on the pad. “It sounds like you were in a battle with yourself. The internal conflict of being at war with oneself.”

Miguel hummed. A mixture of needing to repair these infringements or allow the problems to heal naturally without integrating himself into a mess that's technically not his fault.

“I feel as though the control that's been primarily dominant has been shifted. I have my moments where I feel indecisive, and I can never feel if that's a good thing or not.”

She wrote something down and nodded to let him continue.

“When I get that way, I don't feel that resonating anger. I do feel hopeless in a sense when it's out of my control. Like the other day, when mi Lu- ah, my wife, was cooking up chicken in the oven, she needed to bend over to get something.

“Now this was before she forced me to go sit down and relax, as I didn't want her standing on her feet for so long, but I was willing to compromise.”

“And what was that conclusion you came to?” A click of a pen.

“If she really needed help, she would call for me. But here's the thing about mi coraz- my wife. She can be unyielding at times. Trying to redirect her is like trying to stop an unstoppable train heading full force into a wall.” A smile was on his face.

“Once her mind is set on something, she will do it. She won't ever say it out loud, but I can tell when she's thinking it.”

A shift in the seat. “So when I saw her struggling, my brain went to ‘make her sit down, whether she likes it or not. She is clearly straining herself.’ And I went into it with that mindset I wanted to suppress, but it got to me.”

Dr. Penelope was scribbling down on her notepad when she turned back to him. “Your aspect to garner that control?”

“Yes. I did manage to talk myself down, but by the time I was over there, she was already sending me back with the item in question in her hand.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I think my problem is that I'm still not used to not doing everything. I do have someone who is willing to help and even take some of these burdens and blame off of me when something goes wrong.”

He lays back.

“I believe that my mind keeps wanting something to go wrong. Not like a small glass of milk spilling on the ground. That's a mess anyone can clean up, but something more devastating.”

More notes are being jotted, typed, and jotted. He always amused him when she used both the holopad and a generic pen and paper.

“Do you think it'll be a fatalistic outcome?”

“I don't think it's that. Possibly? More like anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”

“Murphy's law.”

“Yes. That's the one. I'm aware it's a morose, fatalistic view, but that's the philosophy that wants to keep sneaking in. It might be a fatalistic look when I say it in the open.”

Dr. Penelope removed her glasses and scooted up in her chair, folding her hands in her lap. “Did you know that the law has been skewed?”

“It has?”

“Mhm. The original saying got misinterpreted by somebody. An air force was conducting research on high-speed jets, and Murphy griped about some of the technicians. He originally said, “If there's any way they can do it wrong, they will.” Eventually, it began to spread around the base, stating that if things go wrong, it's Murphy's law, and here we are.

“But funny enough, he later stated that it was meant to be ‘If it can happen, it will;’ in a more motivational sense, not the latter. Because, guess what? That mindset they held that not everything would go wrong, but it could go wrong, worked, as there is now safety in the skies and on the roads we drive.

“The truth is, things may go wrong; it will happen, but there will be those who keep trying to find that positive component. It's all about how you go about these things. It's more of a motivational perception that many don't realize. It's how you handle those situations.”

“I've been told that by two important people.”

“I can take a guess, but we will discuss that another day.”

She went over her notes and took several seconds to cross-examine from the screen to the paper. She turned to the clock and nodded her head.

“For your homework, I would like for you to take someone's word when they assure you they have something under lock and key. The only time you may intervene is if they are actively expressing their need for any help.”

His fangs popped out along with a grunt. “I will try my best.”

“That's the best thing you can strive for.”

The twinkling jingle alerted them that it was the end of the session. Miguel sat up and stretched his back; a satisfying pop drifted in his ears.

“Would you like to add more time for today?”

They were over their usual forty-five minutes, and he needed to get home.

“No, not today. Thank you, though.”

“Of course, I will see you at the same time next week, right?”

“Yes, I will be here. And if I don't, she will make sure I'm here front and center.”

A wispy chuckle parted from her. “I know she will. By the way, how is Mrs. O'Hara coming along? I think I last asked about her a few weeks ago.”

“Seven months in. She's trying and fighting, but I can tell she has moments where she's ready to reach in and rip it out herself.”

“I don't blame her. Do you know what the gender will be?”

He shook his head. “Keeping it a surprise; besides, I don't think we really care; we just want the baby to be thriving and happy.”

There was fondness behind that lopsided grin. “It's been a process, but I can surely say I have seen the progress made, Mr. O'hara.”

“You can?”

“Mhm. From when you first got in touch with me, I felt that apprehension in your voice. Then, when you came in for the first appointment, I will never forget that.”

“Yeah, she did most of the talking for me.” A mutual laugh.

“She did, but you did find your own voice, as we wouldn't be here now.”

He did with the much-needed push.

“Do you believe you've made progress?”

He blinked, claws folded, his forearms resting on parts of his thighs and knees. “I…”

He was transported into that spaceless void, and the only thing in sight was the question.

Has he developed and improved over time? He's never really thought about it.

Dr. Penelope scooted back into her chair, ready to hear any of his thoughts.

It was still for about two minutes.

“I think I have.” His heavy brows lowered, ready to jump back into the mindscape, when Dr. Penelope waved her hand.

“See this as extra credit. It's not mandatory, but it's there if you'd like. Think about how you progressed over the course of time. Rather, it may be one week or a full year; see how far you have come. You may ask fellow friends, your wife, or whoever, but most importantly, I want you to take into account how much you have grown and accomplished.”

There must be growth within him. “Yes ma'am. Thank you, Dr. Penelope.”

“No need to thank me; this is for you. I'll see you next week, Mr. O'Hara. And tell Mrs. O'Hara, I said hello.”

“I will. Have a good rest of your day.”

Stepping out of her office and into HQ, Miguel debated if he should go through the building and talk to the others, or take it easy on himself and chat with them another day.

Taking his watch out, he checked the time and the location to make sure it was set to home.

“I think I'll give myself ten minutes here. Yeah, I can do that.” And with that, he made his way down the long corridor.

• • •

Swishing to the beat of the song, a low buzz didn't keep the same notes or try to harmonize with it. It did add a visionary ambience as you thought of a multitude of swirling colors and shapes.

“Mi Luna.” You could hear the tiny smile in his voice.

“Mi Estrella.” He could definitely hear the giant, sizable grin in yours.

You placed a pot filled with uncooked rice in the sink and waddled to turn to your husband, arms held out.

“Chicken teriyaki and jasmine rice?” Miguel sauntered over, delicately pulling you into a hug, minding your protruding belly.

“With fresh cabbage, squash, and carrots.”

“Mm, suena muy delicioso.” He placed a lingering kiss on your forehead until he made his way down to his knees.

“No me olvidé de ti, mi pequeña estrella fugaz.” He rested his palms on either side of your stomach, planting tiny kisses all over. “Mis galaxias.” His lips stayed for a few more seconds before standing up.

“How did it go?”

“It was pretty nice. It took a minute to get back into it, but it went well. And Dr. Penelope says hello. But how have you two been doing? Have they been giving you any trouble?”

His fingers dipped to your underbelly, diligently massaging any harboring pain.

“Besides the many cases of flutters and the endless, rampant kicks, it's been going okay today. I think they might have tired themselves out. I swear, I'm going to put them in kickboxing or track and field.”

“If they have my speed, good luck with the second option.”

You blew a raspberry at him, causing him to crack up laughing.

Going back to the rice and cleaning it, Miguel took in the rushing faucet, your voice droning, following a note to the next from the current song, and the peaceful atmosphere of birds chirping and winds breezing from the opened window he now spotted.

His heart was at ease.

“Mother keeps hounding me about the gender of the baby. My gosh. One call claiming it's for an update, when in reality it becomes a thirty-minute lecture about the ‘importance of knowing your baby's gender,’ and blah, buh-blah. I'm shocked it's been her; it's usually dad who does those weird ramblings, but–”

“Mi Luna, do you think I've progressed?”

You turned the water off, tilting your head up to him. “Do I think you've progressed?”

“Si. I'm sorry for interrupting you.”

“No, no, it's okay. I would rather rant about that later on. Now on to your question.” You were facing him again, arms folded over your stomach. “Do I think Mr. Miguel O'Hara has progressed? In the past month or year and a half?”

“Year and a half.”

“Hmm, let me think.” You purposely ran your pointer over your wedding band and looked to the ceiling. “You say what's on your mind a lot more easily; you still hold things in, but everyone is allowed to keep some thoughts and sentiments to themselves.”

You winked, making you both grin. “You have gotten a lot more patient. An example will be whenever Peter or Ronnie call and start their craziness. I notice you exude that forbearance, which is really good.”

A thumbs-up, but Miguel knew you weren't done. “You still have moments, but you do ease up on yourself if something goes wrong.” You bob your head and tap your chin.

“You have gotten to understand your self-worth more, and it's so amazing watching you get here and continue to grow every day.”

That warming smile was always there as you took his hands and had him put them on your belly, your hands on top of his. “You have progressed so much, mi Estrella. I am so happy for you, and I will continue to be no matter what. I will walk down the path with you every step of the way. My star is seeing that he is bright and wanted like the others.”

Thud.

“Thank you for giving me these opportunities. For giving me this life to do my best, not only for you, for this little one, or for the ones who are or will be around me. But for me.” He felt fluttering. A sense of gratitude. A sense of profound joy and bliss. “Te amo, mi estrella fugaz.” He rubbed your tummy.

“I love you, mi Luna.”

“I love you too, mi Estrella.” Your lips met in a deep kiss.

“Need help with dinner, mi corazón?”

“Nope. I got it, so you go ahead and do what you have to do.”

There was no need for rebuttals, as he pecked your cheek and went to go read his books about gardening.

The field is everlasting. The smells of soothing lavender and the golden bounce from the sun to the already bright marigolds.

His path was grueling and treacherous, bound no matter how much he wanted to escape.

Now, he sits in the flowers, with daisies, tulips, and more sprouting, watching the birds and butterflies who finally left their confined space to fly free.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@prozacgooble @sanguwuxyoonbummy @ella-janehaven

#Spotify #tales the songs weave #miguel fanfic #miguel x reader #atsv miguel #miguel o'hara #miguel x y/n #miguel x you #miguel spiderverse #miguel x fem!reader #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel spiderman #miguel o’hara x reader #miguel o'hara x y/n #long fic

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sasukimimochi · 1 year

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hey guys! had a nap so I'm back to update u guys properly. I'm going to try to summarize the post I made a bit better, as well as posting the picture I shared with the previews (as little as it is)

*TWPT extra image. Translation: ”Come back soon! - Lan Sizhui”

As always, check out my masterpost in order to get more content! ❤

So onto what I mentioned earlier today, I'm delaying Ch 27 of Ghost of Mine by at least one more week due to life continuing to throw shit my way. However I'm sharing some previews on ao3 (they will be removed when I upload 27, just like the aftercare ficlet). A longer explanation will be under the cut!

This is in addition to stuff that is still happening from my previous life update.

as you guys know the past tenants aren't really paying their dues, so I've been waiting on that & I got a large charge from an insurance company I wasn't expecting on top of that. Then I got a second charge from the same company, in the same month, for the usual amount. So we lost as much as 900+ dollars this month. As you can probably expect, that is a lot of money to lose at once unless you are reasonably wealthy and comfortable.

We only just today got our check for next month- early, which is great because we were worried that we would have to stretch things until the 3rd with no new groceries other than what my mom might be able to throw our way. Before we got the check as well my cats decided they absolutely did not like the food I got them- My cats aren't picky when they're hungry, so this was a bizarre and unexpected thing and I couldn't spare the money to buy a new bag of food (my mom helped us by buying a new bag of their previous food and essentially doing a trade with us, so she has the food they don't like) Just, in general a lot of stress is happening at the same time.

Onto GOM: I was writing recently (I can't remember the exact day, it was probably up to two weeks ago) as I did rewrite the entire beginning of Ch 27 and planned to cut out a lot more, which is why it's taking me much longer than expected to complete this chapter- it's my first show of proper investigation and intrigue that is a bit dangerous for the present time and not just, you know, only revealing information- I really want this chapter to be good and not rushed through like my initial first pass. It was a short-lived lapse in my stress when I wrote the first fourth of the rewrite, and I've hit a spot in the chapter that's difficult when my mind is so distracted by the stress.

SO, as to make up for this lack of update (again) I'm gonna give you guys three exclusive previews, one for the beginning of Ghost of Mine Ch 27 (just the first bit, not everything I've written so far bc its still prone to change and I want to give u guys the best version), the beginning of Rose Hips and Flushed Fingertips - The Story of Mo Xuanyu (GOM extra), and the beginning of The Wild Plum Tree (JC & LXC's story - GOM extra) so I hope you enjoy these exclusive previews, as they are all directly connected with the story and are canon to the GOM universe.

TLDR; struggling still, this is another delay. will check back in in about a week- I'm going to show you guys some exclusive previews for GOM related content that isn't yet released to make up for it right now! GOM CH 27, RH&FF (Ch.1/Part1), and TWPT (Ch.1).

PLEASE, KEEP IN MIND: the previews are still very prone to change. RH&FF/TWPT especially, since I am always struggling on how I write JC to make him feel canon to me (and he doesn't here, in my opinion, just bc I haven't described him well enough there) so just keep that in mind when you read!

So I hope you guys enjoy the previews and come back next Sunday!

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hockeyspiral23 · 23 days

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victory is all you need for the ask game <3

My favorite scene: favorite to write was probably Violet's post-first kiss brain spiral (still pretty proud of "cognitive tilt-a-whirl" tbh) (or Threshing due to narrative style)(even though that chapter sucked to write in general). Favorite overall is probably a hockey sequence we'll see in ch.35 ... or the squad scene on the boards. It really might be the squad scene on the boards in ch.22 ...

My favorite chapter: 27. it's probably the longest and is also probably the most pivotal to everything going on ... (25 and 32 round out the top three ...)

Hardest scene to write: oh gods so many gave me hell. Presentation, for sure, because it was also tough trying to remember how the heck tryouts went (since it had been over 20 years since either the hubs or I had been a part of any). The scene in Infantry between Xaden and Vi because he was just REFUSING to cooperate at that point. Tbh, anything with Xaden after I gave him time to talk.

Favorite character to write in the fic: I mean, Violet, since she's our narrator. But other than that, probably Ridoc or Rhiannon. Ridoc just because he's straight up fun and Rhiannon because she's the ultimate best of besties.

Favorite dynamic to write in the fic: Mira and Violet is up there. As is just Vi with the Squad in general. Even though they were only brief and in the beginning, Xaden/Nyra was also a fucking blast.

Why I chose that title: it's vaguely sports-related but it also plays into the game dynamic between Violet and Xaden. And I knew it would ultimately end up being song lyrics and probably from Shinedown (lyric is from "Cut the Cord"), same as I'll Always Keep You in Mind.

A fun fact about the fic: it's the first ever multi-chapter fic I've managed to actually FINISH. And I wrote it essentially in 6 weeks, half by hand, and half by notes app.

#viayn #victory is all you need #fanfic ask game #fanfiction ask game #fourth wing #fourth wing au #hockey au #ao3 #iron flame au #empyrean au

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fantasies-fairytales-n-fics · 1 year

Text

Code Blue Ch. 23- Oppression

Summary: Cute morning fluff takes place before Lee gets a disturbing dose of reality. Jo and Lee share a comical breakfast. Lee secretly worries of Ethan's state of mind. His worries catch up to him. Orlando reaches out to Josie. Josie sees a concerning moment and discreetly tries to help. Things heat up again for the lovebirds with some more sweet afterglow.

*Warnings* language, angst, anxiety attack, smut

Stories Stories Stories Masterlist

Chapter characters: Lee, Josie,

Salem, Massachusetts

February 27. 2023

The Lake House

You giggled and reluctantly pulled yourself free from Lee's magical arms as he playfully grabbed at you to keep you in his reach, for he didn't want to spend one minute away from you.

"I will see you downstairs after I go freshen up. So much for my shower.' you chuckled.

"Well, you could...uh...always come take one with me?" Lee said with an adorable grin as he won the battle of pulling you back into his arms.

"Oh you are sooo bad Dr. Pace. As inviting as that sounds, we NEED to eat. It's almost 2 in the afternoon and you promised me breakfast."

"Breakfast in bed would be nice."

His grin grew as his alluring gaze into your eyes almost made you cave.

"No..no...and nooooo. You are so rotten." you laughed.

"And you love it."

"I do...and you.." you softly agreed and stroked his cheek. "So much."

Lee's gaze became serious. "God I will never get enough of hearing you say that to me."

He had you again, lost at sea in his ocean like blue orbs as his lips slowly lowered to yours, killing you softly with his tender kiss. The more your mouths moved together, the more intense the moment became.

You pulled back with a gasp. "And I will never get enough of your kiss, which is why I am going now!! and your pouty lips that you're giving me will not work."

Lee pulled his pouty bottom lip into his teeth with a smirk. "Fine...but this ain't over beautiful."

"Better not be." you said and walked out.

Lee walked up to the door and leaned on it. "I hate it when you leave but damn, I love watching you walk away."

You stopped at your guest room and gaped at him. "Oh...my...god." you sarcastically said with an eye roll and went inside, giving the door a hard shut as Lee roared in laughter.

Lee went and sat on his bed and put on his sweat pants, then stopped at your door.

He then turned around and went back to his room and opened the drawer where he put the love letter he wrote you earlier while you were showering and he took it downstairs with him.

The music was still blasting from last night, so he turned it down to a normal level and went to the kitchen and checked his phone which had multiple missed calls from Ethan. Lee rolled his eyes and tossed the phone back down, then went over to your purse that sat on the counter and buried the letter into the bottom for you to find at a later time. As he finished doing this, he noticed the answering machine beeping from around the corner and went to check it, having a damn good feeling who the message was from.

"You have 10 new messages. First message sent Sunday 8:34 am..- Lee, it's me. Please call me back. I want to apologize for last night...ok. Talk soon..I hope."

Of course it was from Ethan, so Lee immediately deleted it.

"Second message sent Sunday 8'45 am.- Lee, it's me again. Can we please talk? Call me, or text me."

Lee deleted that one too and reluctantly went on to the next one.

"Third message sent Sunday 9:11 am.- Lee come on man. I thought I meant something to you? You know how I get when you ignore me. I miss you."

At this point, Lee was now just pissed and ripped the cord out of the wall, not listening to the rest of Ethan's crazy bullshit.

He slipped on a tee shirt and got some eggs and bacon out. After he got them cooking, he grabbed a box of cereal and sat down at the table to eat that while he looked over his father's will more thoroughly since Gordon was coming after him for the farm.

Soft kisses suddenly graced the back of his neck.

"Mmmm, I smell something good and it's not the bacon." You whispered over his skin, sending goosebumps down his arms.

Lee backed the chair up and pulled you onto his lap. "Mmmm come here my lady love."

You squealed and giggled as he did so. "Grape Nuts? Really?"

"Hey, don't knock the nuts. Best damn nuts in the world." he grinned.

"Ooooh. Yess...they are." you playfully said as you kissed him softly.

"Yeah ok, now who's rotten?"

"Well, you kinda set yourself up for that one."

"I suppose I did...but..I reeeally liked your reply Jo March. Would you like some of my nuts?"

You busted up laughing as did he. "You're going to be the death of me I swear."

Lee suddenly took your face into his hands as he became extremely earnest. "Hey...don't ever say that ok?"

"Lee, it..it's just a figure of speech?"

His eyes dropped. "I..I know...I just..."

"Hey...it's ok baby. I get it. You suffered some great losses. Believe me, I understand how sensitive things like that can be."

"Jo...if anything were ever to happen to you...I..."

Ethan's words haunted him. 'You know how I get....' Lee did know, and he was greatly reminded by the car incident which is why Lee believed it was intentional no matter how much Ethan denied it.

"Shhhh. Heyyyyyy.... I'm not going anywhere? I'm yours as long as you want me."

His hands were still on your face as his eyes danced all through yours.

"Forever." he simply said and kissed you so gently.

Again, the kissing went from sweetly innocent to quite passionate, and time was lost...but it was abruptly interrupted by the smoke alarm sounding. You both had been so hot and heavy that neither of you noticed the burning smell.

"Shit! The bacon!" Lee shouted and quickly worked his way out from under you, flinging the pan off of the stove onto the counter with his bare hand.

'Ahhhh damn it!!!!" he bellowed as he shook his hand.

"Lee! Here..."

You quickly drug him to the sink and ran his hand under the water.

"God...baby are you alright?" you desperately asked while checking his hand over.

"Yeah...my ego not so much. I knew better than to do that."

"Yeah well, you remember when you bandaged my hand at your other house?"

"I do...yes, that's right...you said you...burned it doing exactly what I just did..." he recalled in shock.

"Just another sign that we were meant for each other." you chuckled as you kissed his hand.

"Wellll!" he quipped with disappointment and dumped the contents of the pan into the trash. "Hope you don't mind extra crispy bacon."

You laughed. "Lee, trust me, it cannot be any worse than my cooking. There isn't anything that I cannot burn. Gordon Ramsey and I are not friends."

Your statement did the intended trick and made him chortle. "The bacon is so black, it looks like shreds of a blown out tire."

You began laughing so hard, you actually snorted which got Lee laughing hysterically, so much so that he had tears leaking out of his eyes.

"Jo...I'm sorry to break this to you, but I think I killed the eggs too and the hen that laid them." he continued laughing, barely able to speak as he glanced into the other skillet.

'Lee stop, I can't...breathe!" you panted with your own tears forming.

'Well fuck...I think I got some bread. I can make toast baby, if I can manage not to burn that too."

"That's ok. I will settle for your nuts."

You desperately tried to keep a straight face after you purposely said that, but the look of shock on Lee's face had you crying again.

'Alright Miss Massachusetts. If it's my nuts you so desire, it's my nuts you shall receive."

Lee got a bowl from the cupboard and set in on the table for you. "Let's eat."

You ate one bowl of cereal to Lee's four and then you made him let you tend to his hand with some ointment, despite his usual "Who's the doctor" proclamations.

Lee stood at the kitchen window rinsing the bowls out as you came up to him and laid your head on his shoulder, in which he smiled and kissed your head.

"The storm really made a mess out there huh?" you acknowledged as you gazed out at the boat house and shivered a little.

"You cold sweetheart? Hey, why don't you go sit by the fire and I will go get dressed and chop up some more firewood that I've got in the garage....unless...you're in a hurry to go start packing?"

"I'm excited yes, but there's no rush. I like it here with you."

"I like you here with me."

You stretched up and gave him a sweet kiss. "Mmmm ok...I...am going to go put on some warmer clothes and I'll be back down in a bit."

Lee couldn't stand it anymore and after he made sure you were up the stairs, he went back to the answering machine and listened to the rest of Ethan's messages. He and Lee may have remained good friends in the past but he still knew of Ethan's darker side.

"Lee...fucking come on dude. Quit ignoring me. Just give me five minutes. Is that so damn hard?"

"I'm sorry, am I interrupting you and that chic? You fucking her now?"

"You can't be this serious about her man? She's just another notch on your belt like any other girl. I wasn't man...we had a good time. Do I mean nothing to you now?"

"Lee what the fuck! I though we were at least friends still. I'm sorry for what I said to her, but it was all true and you know it although I am sure you told her I lied. You know you'll get bored of her just like all the others...and I'll still be here man. Even after you nailed me in the gut."

"We were good until her! What's so special about her huh?? Fuck man...you're killing me. She don't know you like I do."

"Guess I can't blame her. I mean, I had that cock and I enjoyed every inch of it. Correct me if I'm wrong but you seemed to have enjoyed it pretty damn well yourself. Have you told her everything? I bet not..."

Lee ran his hand through his hair and heavily sighed in frustration, then wrapped the cord around the machine and shoved it in the drawer.

Ethan had always been cool with whomever Lee was involved with and that was because Lee was never serious with anyone, but now he was and he knew Ethan was going to be a problem. How was he going to tell you all of this? He had promised you no more secrets. Would he lose everything he had worked so hard for if he told you the full extent of his relationship with Ethan? He never thought any of that mattered...until now. Ethan was a live wire and Lee knew he was itching to get you away from him. All the signs...were there.

Lee threw on another shirt and some jeans he had laying around and headed out to release his anger on the firewood.

You came outside to find him and followed the sound of the chopping down the path to the boat house.

'Damn, who's head are you picturing on there?"

"What? Oh..hey baby. I..I guess I was just really into it."

"I'd say. There's enough wood here for an entire 'nother winter."

"Always good to have back up." he grinned.

"Well....can I help with something?"

"Sure sweetheart. There's a hose there on the deck. You could spray off all the debris and mud if you'd like."

You happily went and began doing that as you watched him. You were still learning things about him but you could clearly see something was bothering him as he wailed on the wood. Probably Gordon, you thought, in which you couldn't blame him....or maybe the dream he had that morning that he was reluctant to share details on.

Whatever it was, you felt for him so very badly, wishing you could take all of his pain away that he was trying to relinquish with every swing of that axe.

He took a break and came over, peering down at you with a huge grin and then he began chucking.

"Uh what's so funny?"

"Guess I never realized just how little you really are. I just want to pick you up and put you in my pocket."

"Ha...ha...well, I only look small because you're a giant...a beautiful giant at that."

"Which makes you smallllll." he joked and began laughing again.

"Small but fierce!" you retorted and sprayed him with the hose.

"Whoa hey!" he chuckled and chased you around the porch.

The cute little game of cat and mouse went on as he would tickle you every time he was able to grab you. Everything felt so right. You were so happy. He was so happy. You both made each other so happy. You could be yourself with him and he with you. You were both in your own little fairytale world together and it felt like nothing or no one could touch you, or so you believed. Real life found a way to interrupt as usual.

As Lee came around the corner of the deck, he abruptly halted and grabbed onto the rail, clutching his chest as he gasped in pain.

"Lee??! Baby? What's wrong??" you asked in fear as you raced over to to him.

"Chest pain...can't breathe..." he panted.

"Ok, ok sit down, sit down."

"No...no...I ...need to bend over..." he gasped and leaned down, holding onto his knees.

"Lee, let me take you to the hospital please, you're scaring me." you pleaded as you rubbed his back.

"No...no Jo...I'll be fine in a minute. No hospitals. I'm a doctor and..."

"I don't care! What you are right now is in pain and short of breath and possibly having a heart attack!"

He turned his head to look up at you. "Jo, trust me please, it's not. It's...happened before...you..you should know what this is...."

"Jesus Lee...an anxiety attack?? Ok...ok...just...breathe...in and out, slowly...that's it. I'm right here. Breathe baby...just like you told me to do."

Out of all the things you and Lee had in common, this was a most horrible one to have and you empathized with him deeply.

"Is it getting better?" you squeaked, almost ready to cry over seeing him in such a bad way.

"Yes...yes...the tightness and pain are diminishing. It helps when I bend forward, but you are what's mostly helping, just knowing you're here with me."

"Lee...why didn't you ever tell me about this?"

"Jo, the last thing you need is something else to worry about. I'll be fine. I just let things get to me too easily." he explained as he then was able to stand back up and breathe more normally.

"What I need is you!"

There you went, hands over your face to hide your ugly crying.

"Heyyyy sweet girl, come here, don't cry, don't cry. I'm ok." he softly said as he pulled you to him.

You slapped your arms desperately around him so fast and cried into his neck.

"Lee, what caused this? And don't tell me nothing. You just said things are getting to you. Is it Gordon? Elizabeth? Ethan?"

He kissed your forehead and then wiped your tears. "It's just all of it Jo. And the hospital thing and my dreams, Orlando, Dad, Jacob....."

"Alright, alright. Don't get worked up again. Let's go inside so you can lay down and rest. Do you have any chamomile tea? It will help. If not I can go down the road to the store real qui..."

"Jo...sweetheart...I just want you. You are all the only form of relief I need. Come on. I'll get some of this wood inside and rekindle the fire."

"Ok...but can I at least carry some of it?"

"Some? I thought you were going to carry all of it." he said with a sly grin.

"You're superman, remember?" you retorted and began picking up the firewood as he laughed.

"You're right. I am. Hold onto those tightly."

"What? Why..."

You squealed as Lee bent down and swiped your legs out from under you, whisking you up into his arms.

"Dum da da dummmm! Your hero is here Miss Lane. Fear not. I will save you." he said in an adorably deep voice and then went jogging up the path as you giggled the entire way. He was trying so hard to pretend he was alright and that's why that attack had happened, trying to be too strong for too long. Inside that beautiful giant was a scared little boy.

Lee went straight to the fireplace and added some wood as you rooted through his cupboards for some tea whether he liked it or not. Jackpot, you found some chamomile tea in a variety box and then found a kettle.

After filling it and placing it on the stove, you checked your phone while waiting for it to boil. Surprisingly, there were no texts or call from your mom....but you did have one call and voicemail. It was from Orlando sent while you were outside.

"Hey Josie...I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted to explain why I didn't come to the after gathering. I would have but I didn't think Lee wanted me there since he wasn't too happy about my presence at the funeral and....there are some...well, could we talk later...sometime...I just...I don't know.....I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have called. I hope you are alright...ok. Well...bye."

You stared at your phone for a moment with a perplexed expression. Orlando's tone was anxious, maybe even frightened...as if he really needed someone to talk to.

You quickly texted him back. "Hey, I just got your message. Are u alright? U sounded...off. Text me when u can ok? So I know you're alright."

As you looked up, you saw that Lee was not by the fireplace anymore and all was quiet. Out of concern, you looked around the corner. Lee was by the window with his back partially to you, texting someone. It didn't appear to be a happy one either judging by the way he jabbed at the keyboard.

Just then, the kettle began whistling, startling you, so you quickly went to pour his tea before he noticed you standing there.

Lee then came into the kitchen after hearing the sound.

"Little miss adamant found some tea I see." he said with a raised brow and a clever smile as he leaned against the archway with folded arms.

'I did. It's one thing I manage to do that involves a stove, although my mother may have a different opinion about that."

Lee chuckled and came up behind you as you stirred the tea, placing his arms around your waist and resting his chin on your shoulder as he watched.

"Thank you Jo...for everything. You're the only light shining through my windows."

You maneuvered your body in his arms to face his despairing eyes.

"I'll have you know that you are mine too."

You stepped onto his bare feet and stretched up onto your tippy toes as you wrapped your arms around his neck, offering him a tender smile.

"Lee...please know that whatever you're going through, you can talk to me, always. Whatever ails you, I'll do everything I can to help. You don't need to ever be afraid of me. There's nothing here to fear. You're safe with me. I love you...so much...every part of you, good and bad and..."

He cut your words short with a deep kiss, forcing a whimper out of you as you melted into his mouth. Lee had turned the music back on earlier and you couldn't believe your ears yet once again as a song began to play.

youtube

Lee began to move about in a slow dance with your feet on his as your kisses became more passionate. His hands caressed your back and ended up on the back of your thighs, hoisting you up onto him. While locked into his lips, you felt him walking and you ended up on the counter.

"Jo...my Jo...I..." he whispered as he stroked your cheek with the back of his fingers.

"Baby, what is it? What's wrong?" you asked with sad eyes searching his. You could tell he desperately wanted to tell you something. Was it about what you just saw that he mentioned nothing about?

"I just...I...love you too and..."

He paused and gazed into your eyes for a moment, then he pressed his lips back onto yours and pulled your hips into his. You felt his arousal as he grinded into you. Your core went crazy as it was set on fire instantly. His mouth worked it's way down your neck as you slid your fingers through his hair, softly panting against his ear.

You then found yourself lifting his shirt up, in which he took the clue and helped you rip it over his head, then he delved right back into your mouth with an intense moan. His hands wandered up the back of your shirt and unhooked your bra, then they found your breasts. His soft hands felt so good, you smacked your head back against the cupboard, releasing a heavy mewl as your nails ravaged his bare back.

Your shirt was the next to go as he slid it up and over your head, flinging it and your bra to the ground. His cock was so hard, it prominently filled his jeans, in which you then freed it as you unbuttoned and unzipped them. He helped you jimmy them down his thighs and then he went right for yours as your mouths became impassioned again. He tugged your jeans under your bottom and then pulled them off inside out. You yanked him back to you before he could even drop them.

"Lee...I..I want you so much...now, please." you heavily panted as you pinned him inside your legs.

Your pleas set him off and he thrusted into you.

"Ahhhhh!" you cried out, slamming your head back again as he released a hard grunt. There was no pain this time, only sheer pleasure as his cock was now perfectly molded into your extremely slick walls.

He now filled you entirely and began pumping you in hard bursts, making your eyes roll back. You were at a loss as to how anything could ever feel this good. This man and every part of him was made for you and you would never believe otherwise.

Suddenly, he picked you up while still inside of you and carried you to the couch, managing to perfectly lay you down without disengaging the magical union.

His kisses were sweet and sensual, yet so loving as his tongue made love to yours while he held your head in his hand.

The universe shuffled the music and sent you both another fitting tune as you and Lee rocked together to the beat.

youtube

Lee's breathing became stronger and desperate as his pace became slower while grinding into you as far as he could go. He was going to come and now, so were you as he nailed your sweet spot with perfection.

Your back arched up as the glittery stars burst before your eyes again, sending your hips into an involuntary bucking frenzy as you cried out his name. Lee lost it and slammed into you, bellowing out a deep groan that almost sounded painful as his sweltering cock fiercely released.

His mouth hovered open over yours as you both panted in ecstasy. When you and Lee had first made love, you cried in emotional joy and now this time, Lee had some leakage escaping the brims of his beautiful blue eyes.

"Heyyy, sweet guy. Are you ok?"

He smiled through his panting as his lips lightly quivered while you traced your thumbs under his wet eyes.

"I have never been happier in my entire life Jo. I love you baby, so fucking immensely. Happy tears, no worries my love."

You smiled so big and then pulled him into a kiss.

"Mmmmm." he moaned and rolled over beside you, keeping you snuggled in his arms. "Can we just lay here for eternity?"

"If that were possible, I would never leave, but unfortunately, life calls...BUT...I don't need to leave right away. Let's lay here for awhile. I love being in your arms....and I'm not going anywhere until I am certain you are alright...and you drink your tea...which is now probably cold."

He kissed your forehead and pulled a blanket over the both of you, then cuddled you tighter.

"I'm ok baby. I am more than ok right now. You make everything better."

You laid your head on his chest, listening to the soothing sound of his heartbeat as he stroked your hair...and soon enough, you both dozed off in the peaceful afterglow.

@redeemer46

#lee pace #leeepfrog #code blue #doctors #love stories #dark stories #slow burn #lee pace fluff #fluff #lee pace fanfiction #fairytales #jolee #lee pace smut #smut

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dari-ede · 2 years

Text

In the Middle of the Night: Ch 27

Chapter 27: "난 온기 없는 어둠 속을"

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

Summary: As Bangtan prepares for a new chapter in their lives, they head to their private property in the forest for a songwriting workshop. As a songwriter and producer they have worked with for years, I’m asked to tag along. I was ready for the heavy workload and small amount of sleep during the workshop week. However, I wasn’t ready for the storm that came that changed my friendship with Namjoon forever.

Notes: More therapy. This is the breakdown of what's going on with Maya...mostly everything. There's a ton more, but focusing on just her issues with Namjoon here. Enjoy! :D

Pairing: Idol!RM/Namjoon x OFC

Genre: Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Smut

Rating: M (sexual scenes/sexual assault in prior chapters)

Status: COMPLETE

Warnings/spoilers: Therapy

*********

“I guess it wasn’t a fight, really,” I said after finishing telling the story. “It was more of a miscommunication. Namjoon and I always referred to it as our ‘big fight’, though.”

It had taken more than one session for me to tell the full story to Dr. Rob. There were pieces I couldn’t remember; I had to ask Yoongi to help me fill in the gaps. Dr. Rob continued to ask questions—wanting more details in certain parts of the stories.

“You and Namjoon didn’t start getting close until after your move to Korea, right?” Dr. Rob asked, looking down at his notes, and wrote something down.

“Yes.”

“That was two years after you two reconciled?”

I nodded.

He took a long pause and looked to consider something before talking again. “You describe your friendship with Jin as playful and platonic. When did you start feeling close to him? You mentioned Jungkook, Jin, and Namjoon were the last ones you still hadn't gotten close to.”

It didn’t seem odd that Dr. Rob was asking me questions about my friendship with the other guys. He had been asking similar questions throughout the last two sessions as I told him the story of Namjoon and my fight. However, I was interested in how all of this mattered with my relationship with Namjoon—and even more so, how it tied to the walls I put up.

“I think it was after Namjoon and my fight. The guys went on vacation days after. Jin and I messaged each other a lot. He sent me a lot of silly photos of their trip. There’s a video of Yoongi being drunk and Jin convincing him to perform a girl group song all on his own,” I said, laughing at the memory. I still had the video and watched it whenever I wanted a good laugh.

Dr. Rob gave a nod and noted something else. “So, it’s right to say that out of all the guys, Namjoon was the last one you became friends with?”

I nodded.

“And that it took two years longer than the rest of the guys?”

And then I finally caught on to what he might be implying. “Do you think I kept Namjoon at a distance after we reconciled?”

Dr. Rob shrugged. “In those two years, before he called you during your panic attack, did you guys exchange messages with each other—just as friends, nothing to do with work?”

Thinking deeply, I couldn’t give him an answer. I couldn’t remember.

“You said on multiple occasions that your friendship with Namjoon really took off after he helped you through your panic attack. That was two years after your fight. Perhaps in those previous years, deep within you, you held onto that fight,” Dr. Rob suggested.

After taking a step back and considering Dr. Rob’s words, I spoke up. “You mean to say, subconsciously I’m unable to trust Namjoon because of that fight? All those years ago?”

“It might be multilayered,” Dr. Rob answered. “There’s the hurt from the fight. You thought of him as a friend and entrusted him with information about yourself that was very personal only to find out he didn’t think of you as a friend back. That created trust issues. Then there’s the layer of your view of friends and partners—you trust your friends with your emotions, but with your partners, you’re very guarded. In the past, you felt shame in sharing emotions. You were ridiculed by your exes. You were made fun of and dismissed by them. There's also the layer of Namjoon reacting similarly to those exes. He made a judgment of your sexuality. You shared personal information with him, believing it was safe for you to do so, only for him to throw it to your face. And then there’s the possibility that you’re self-sabotaging this relationship.

“After years of unhealthy relationships, this bond with Namjoon seems very alien to you. Your fight or flight responses are kicking in—making you want to run off or do whatever you can to drive Namjoon off. You did it years ago when you guys were only friends—or colleagues. You wanted to rid him of your life before he had another chance to hurt you. And then you did it the night of your break up. Rather than stay while the argument is happening, or wait for him to come back, you took off.”

I let Dr. Rob’s words sink in. I thought carefully about what he had observed, but something wasn’t sitting right with me. “I know Namjoon would never treat me the same as my exes, though. There’s not an ounce of meanness in his body.”

“Then why did it hurt so much when he said you ‘give it up easily’?” Dr. Rob challenged.

I was too stunned to respond. He had a point there. Those words had brought out emotions that were familiar. Emotions I hadn't felt since my last asshole ex.

Dr. Rob’s face softened as he looked straight at me. “I’m not saying Namjoon’s cruel. I’m saying he’s human. Everyone makes mistakes. We’re all capable of saying things we don’t mean when we’re angry and regret it later. It’s not an excuse. But it’s important for you not to put him on a pedestal. Because there’s only one way he can go when he makes a mistake: down.”

“I put Namjoon on a pedestal?” I asked, taken aback by his use of the word.

“I think you do. It goes along with your belief you’re not his ‘exception’. You said, and I quote,” he looked down at his notes and read, “‘He knows how to make everyone feel special. I don’t think I’m an exception'. You are the one who put emphasis on ‘everyone’.” Dr. Rob stared at me for a while, allowing the words to sink in. “He must be extraordinary to make everyone feel special. And that’s how you see him: extraordinary. But after the two occasions he messed up, walls come up which blocked this extraordinary person from coming in and knowing you—someone who can be hisexception.”

I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt wetness on my lap. I wiped the tears off and internally screamed at myself. Dr. Rob’s analysis of me was making complete sense and answered so many questions. And it was angering me. “Why am I doing that to him?”

“It’s a defense mechanism, Maya,” Dr. Rob said gently. “Your entire childhood, your emotions weren’t protected. Your primitive role models neglected every emotion you had. Your physical needs were met, but your emotional ones were not. You don’t see yourself as special outside of your musical talents. You’re rejecting him before he can reject you. Just take a look at your response just now: ‘Why am I doing that to him?’ Rather than trying to figure out why you’re doing this to yourself, you keep thinking of him. I’m not saying not to think of him—but you must put your emotional needs in higher regard.”

“How do I stop doing that?” I asked.

“Hard work—like last time,” he said.

I took a breath. I remember that hard work. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting. But it had been worth it. I felt more centered and whole the more sessions I had with Dr. Rob. I was ready to have that feeling again.

*************

I arrived at my house with the clear determination to head straight to bed; however, Yoongi was having none of that.

“I made budae jjigae,” he said, leading me from the living room to the kitchen.

Pouting and almost stomping my feet, I followed. “Where are Kiwoo and Dal?” I asked, referring to the two Big Hit staff who were also staying at the house.

“Taking a nap. We were out the entire day.”

“Is Ky being a good chauffeur?” I asked as we arrived at the kitchen island. “Be sure you’re getting your money’s worth with that stingy ass.”

Yoongi chuckled. “Today he asked for seafood.”

“He really has no shame. Don’t tell me you got him VIP passes for your show in Seoul.”

“I did.”

“That cheap, son of a bitch needs to start paying for stuff. You should have given him nosebleed seats.”

“He took us to a Clippers game again. We took normal seats, though. No press noticed, so I was able to enjoy the game.”

“Did he buy?”

“Why do you think we had normal seats?” Yoongi asked with a smile.

Figures. Kyong would never pay for floor seats.

I took a seat as Yoongi went to the stove.

“So, how did it go today?” he asked, taking a bowl, and starting to serve me.

I gave a stretch and let out a groan. “There was a lot to unpack.”

Giving a brief summary of the session and what Dr. Rob had analyzed, Yoongi listened intently. He gave little nods here and there, agreeing mostly with Dr. Rob’s words.

“Do you think I put Namjoon on a pedestal?” I asked Yoongi after I was done telling him about Dr. Ron’s analysis.

There was a moment of quietness as Yoongi looked to think about his next words. “Namjoonie is quite the individual. Brilliant, talented, and hardworking. It’s impossible to know him and not notice how special he is. Before even meeting him, I was told how gifted he was. I was jealous, I won’t lie. I hadn’t even met the guy and everyone around me was praising this son of a bitch like he was the next Tablo. But then I met him, and I understood what the hype was about. I wasn’t about to admit it, though," he said with a laugh as he remembered.

I smiled back a little. Namjoon and Yoongi's relationship had been quite intense from the beginning. Looking at them, one wouldn't understand how they could ever belong in the same group; let alone, live together 24/7.

Yoongi let out a sigh, his face going back to serious. "That jealousy didn't last long, though. You know why?”

“Why?” I asked, hanging onto his every word.

“I saw the weight he carried. I saw the light he brought to everyone’s eyes. And I witnessed the damage it caused him when people realized he was only a man. He would make a mistake and the way they looked at Namjoonie completely changed. And disappointing others was one of Namjoonie’s worst fears. He was only 17 and he was carrying so much shit. I was grateful that wasn’t me. But I felt empathy for the poor kid.

“For over a decade, I have seen how people look at him like he’s a god. At stadiums, fan meetings, crowds, and random people in public. He’s up on a pedestal to countless individuals. I’ve seen it with some of the guys as well. But I don’t think I’ve seen that look as intense as I’ve seen it in you.”

I took it in, opening myself up to accepting it. “I didn’t know I was doing it. It’s not fair to him,” I said.

Yoongi let out a heavy sigh. “It’s not fair for you either, Maiwa. Dr. Rob is right: you need to start considering your emotional needs.”

I nodded, agreeing with him. I had done it again without realizing it.

“Did Dr. Rob recommend any exercises for that? Give you any homework?” Yoongi asked.

I had and I told Yoongi what they were. “He said I should also get back to writing.”

Yoongi frowned at my use of words. “You haven’t written?”

I shook my head.

“On purpose?”

Nod.

“Why?”

Dr. Rob had asked me the same question. When Yoongi asked it, I reacted the same. Nerves started to kick in. I disliked talking about my emotions, especially when it dealt with my vulnerabilities. “I’ve been too scared to. I reach for a pen or pencil, but then I start panicking. Dr. Rob thinks it’s still tied to my fear. Writing about that night will open up the floodgates to everything I’ve been holding in about him.”

There was a long silence.

I had said a lot and was too chicken shit to say more.

But Yoongi dared to ask. “What have you been holding in?”

A heaviness in my chest appeared. I felt the tears coming before they escaped my eyes. Thinking about this made me feel fucking scared. It was a fear I had always felt but suppressed. But Namjoon had brought it to the surface. In the months we had been together, he had managed to fish it out of me.

But I was reacting like a fish would once it was brought to the surface—suffocated, struggling, fighting to get back in the water. Craving to swim back deep into the sea that was full of darkness. It was a darkness that I was familiar with; however dangerous it might be. But there was no way I could go back. Namjoon’s hook would not let me go.

Warm arms held me, giving me a bit of oxygen as I struggled here on the surface.

“Perhaps it would be better to let it out on paper first,” Yoongi said gently.

I stayed in his embrace for a while, needing some time to calm down. Once I was settled, I made my way up the stairs and forced myself to go to my small office slash mini studio.

Deciding I wasn’t going to hide anymore, I decided to write.

Making my way to my stool, I took out one of my journals and grabbed my favorite guitar. I let my fingers do the work. My voice was shit, but I still hit the record button, not allowing myself to pause. For an hour, I let the mic pick up everything.

Didn’t know how to tell you the truth/ Don’t know why I do what I do/ Don’t know what I’m trying to prove/ Want to know the reasons why I do what I do

I care for you/ But I’ve acted a fool

Need a shot glass in my fist/ So I can spill away all my business/ Telling this stranger about you/ I ’m getting too personal

Can they tell I’ve been crying all night/ I told myself I don’t care for you/ But I know it’s a lie/ Because I do

**************

As much as I was grateful for Yoongi being there, he couldn't stay forever. His departure day had finally arrived.

He allowed me to hug him, making me promise to call him if I needed a friend.

It was hard to see him go, but it was good for me. I needed time by myself to collect my thoughts. Needed to be left alone to write and sing freely. Dr. Rob had been right. Now that I had gotten back to my art, I felt more grounded. The fear I had was starting to get more tolerable.

The day after Yoongi left, I was back at Dr. Rob’s office.

We were in the middle of another session when he caught onto something I had said and he was wanting me to further explain myself.

We were going over the breakup night again and I made a mention how I was silly in trying to hide my fight with my mother in the bathroom. I should have known better than to think Namjoon wouldn’t know I was lying to him. He always knew when I was lying, he knew me too damn well.

“Why is it such a bad thing that he knows you so well?” Dr. Rob asked, curiously. “Every time you say or hint towards how well Namjoon knows you, you have this look on your face. Like you don’t like it.”

“I don’t,” I said honestly, tugging at the ends of my shirt.

“Why is that?”

“I don’t know…. Namjoon always seems to know what’s going on in my head before I do. It’s a little scary.”

Dr. Rob was quiet for a moment as he looked through his notes. “I remember an ex of yours—I believe he was your first serious relationship. You described him as—and I quote, ‘a sick fuck who knew me so well, he knew what to say and do to embarrass and belittle me. It didn’t matter if we were alone or in public, but he had this special power that made him able to read people—especially me—very well. And he used it all for evil.’”

I remembered that ex. He was my first serious boyfriend. He never hit me, but he certainly used words to fuck me up. But Namjoon had never made me feel that way. “Namjoon would never use my secrets against me.”

Dr. Rob gave me a long look before presenting me with an interesting viewpoint. “On the night of your breakup, Namjoon telling you, you ‘gave it up so easily’ made you feel negative. You had entrusted him with something very intimate about your past sexual experiences. You felt safe to do so and that night, he used it against you," he reminded me.

I don't know why I kept forgetting that part.

“Again, Namjoon is human. You need to see him as so. Negating his faults is not fair to him or you,” Dr. Rob said. “He hurt you with those words. Whether he intended to or not. And it’s ok to be upset with him for it.”

I nodded, understanding. “It’s definitely something I’m going to need to talk to him about. It’s just…I don’t like being angry with him. I don’t think I have ever been upset with him for too long—even during our big fight all those years ago. I mostly was hurt but didn’t feel furious with him. Thinking about talking to him regarding this makes me feel anxious, to be honest.”

“I don’t remember you having anxiety when you met with your ex after your breakup. You met with him shortly after starting sessions with me. You wanted closure with him and you seemed pretty relaxed about it. Namjoon is different.”

“He is.”

Dr. Rob stared at me for a long while. “Being upset with Namjoon won’t make you care for him any less. And you care for him a lot.”

I nodded in agreement.

Once again, he was quiet. “I think you know what I’m indirectly saying when I use that word….”

My heart began to race because I do know what he was alluding to. And I knew he was going to make me say it. Because in the many sessions, we had had the past three weeks, I hadn’t said it.

“Well….” He pressed.

I took a breath. I knew I needed to let it out. I needed to face it. Namjoon had always made me feel so incredibly vulnerable and even though he wasn’t here, it certainly felt like he could hear me; as if he was waiting for the words.

“I love him,” I admitted, feeling my chest crack as I did.

I went through a series of emotions. I was a blubbering mess for a good while. “I’ve never said it first. It always took me months to say it back when my past boyfriends said it to me.”

“Similar to the question I asked earlier about the problem you have with Namjoon knowing you so well: why is it such a bad thing to admit the feeling? Why not ever say it first?”

It took a long moment for me to admit it. I had always known the answer, discovered it a while back right after my breakup with Jerry, but had never let anyone know. “It seems silly, but it feels as if I was giving away a vulnerability as soon as I say it. And I don’t like feeling vulnerable.”

Dr. Rob nodded. “Makes sense you hate feeling vulnerable. If you did, who could you turn to? You’ve shared the stories of the rare times you sought help from your parents only to be brushed away—made to think your emotions were unimportant. It's the fear of being abandoned and/or rejected. It’s manifested into your adulthood and your adult relationships. You allow people in, but only up to a certain point. You draw a line. It was the root of your and Jerry’s problems. You didn't let Jerry in. And now you're doing it with Namjoon.”

A rotten thought made its way into my insecurity. “Jerry wanted to stay,” I pointed out. “He proposed even though we had our problems. Does that mean he loved me more than Namjoon?” The thought was enough to make it feel like a knife was cutting straight into me. To think Namjoon didn’t love me the way I wanted him to….

Dr. Rob took a moment before answering. “That’s one way you can look at it. Or you can look at it like Namjoon knows his worth. Knows that a relationship that isn’t open and honest will fail. He doesn’t want a failed relationship with you.”

He had a point there. Namjoon was fully confident in his worth; he had moments of low self-esteem but would never stay in a situation that would cause him damage.

“How do you think he feels about you?” Dr. Rob asked.

With every fiber in my body, I was certain I knew the answer. It had been a while since I had known the answer. It thrilled me to know it but terrified me. “He loves me.”

“Has he told you he loved you?”

I shook my head, wiping away some tears and keeping my head slightly down.

“Why do you think he hasn’t said it first?”

It was another answer I knew and it broke my heart to know it. “Because he knew how I would react. He was afraid of scaring me off.”

“So you know him just as well as he knows you,” Dr. Rob observed.

We were quiet for a moment. I bathed in the feeling I had admitted those words out loud. Bathed in the scary notion that Namjoon possessed a part of me that no longer belonged to solely me. My heart hadn’t been my own in a while and facing that fact was causing me to go through some frightening emotions.

“Your past boyfriends always judged your male friendships. It was one of the reasons why the relationships didn’t work out. Their accusations would make you angry, and defensive. That’s how you handled disagreements in the past. With Namjoon, you closed up. Like you did many years ago. Back then, he’s the one who messed up and he did his best to correct it.”

“Now I need to correct things. I need to open up,” I concluded.

“If you want a relationship with him—or anyone, for that matter—you’re going to have to. At least, a healthy one.”

“I want to fix things,” I said with determination.

I had messed up this time. It was my turn to correct it. And to correct it, I needed to view these emotions I had for Namjoon as something not scary. Because it wasn’t. It shouldn’t be.

********

AN: So, I woke up sick! Thankfully, I worked on most of the editing on this chapter earlier in the week. That being said, I'm not sure I'll have enough strength and/or time to go over the next chapter before next Friday. I might either post late on the weekend (depending on how I feel) or just take my time with it and post Chapter 28 in two weeks...

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

#rm smut #rm x reader #rm x oc #bts smut #namjoon smut #namjoon fanfic #namjoon x reader #namjoon x maya #inthemiddleofthenight #therapy #trust issues #Spotify

51 notes · View notes

foxes-that-run · 11 months

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Labyrinth

Labyrinth tells of pain of a past relationship, combined with the realisation of falling back in love with them. Similar to bejewelled, I think there is an element of looking at a current relationship ending through the lens of a past one. It references a 1D song Harry wrote, Half the world away, which was leaked August 2020, 5 months before Midnights was started. HTWA also refers to the tension over Harry saying 'I love you' in Say don't go on 1989TV. It was played at the 9 November Eras show with The Very First Night.

Labyrinth starring David Bowie

The title makes me think of David Bowie's 80's film. The green vinyl also had similar image to background to the cover art. Bowie is a key influence for Harry. In Labyrinth, Bowie is a Goblin King, Jareth, who gives Sarah 13 hours to solve his labyrinth in a misguided attempt win her love. Sarah and Jareth are temperamental and wistfully invested in dreams... not unlike certain popstars.

As well as the Bowie reference this is related to the theme of being trapped or unable to get over this love.

Lyrics

It only hurts this much right now Was what I was thinking the whole time Breathe in, breathe through Breathe deep, breathe out I'll be getting over you my whole life You know how scared I am of elevators Never trust it if it rises fast It can't last

The first verse is reflecting on the emotional turmoil during the relationship (1989) and is rich in references:

Half the World Away "deep in, I'm scared I'll stop breathing"

OOTW "Are we in the clear yet? / In the clear yet, good / Are we out of the woods yet?" When discussing OOTW Taylor said she constantly felt like she needed to overcome the next step.

Suburban Legends "It's ruined my life"

Gorgeous "you've ruined by life by not being mine"

I Wish You Would: "I’ll never forget you as long as I live"

Taylor also referred to this lyric in her NYU speech (27 mins) 4 months before it's release "Hard things will happen to us. We will recover, we will learn from it. We will grow more resilient because of it. And as long as we are fortunate enough to be breathing we will breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out. And I am a doctor now, so I know how breathing works."

Also Getaway Car includes a line from Hilary Duff's Breathe in. Breath Out. (X marks the spot where we fell apart) Taylor also 'referenced' this song musically for Paper Rings.

Harry also sings Breathe me in, Breathe me out in Watermelon Sugar.

Uh oh, I'm falling in love Oh no, I'm falling in love again Oh, I'm falling in love I thought the plane was going down How'd you turn it right around

The chorus tells of realising that a love she thought was gone has come back. It references a leaked One Direction song that

Say don't go has a similar 'oh no' to this 'uh oh' meaning realisation, there it is that is is ending, here it is that it has come back.

On One Direction's Half the world away Harry wrote “I want you around, 'round, 'round / Are we going down, down, down?”

It only feels this raw right now Lost in the labyrinth of my mind Break up, break free, break through, break down You would break your back to make me break a smile You know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back Just like that

The bounce back line is to me where we can see the similarities drawn between a past relationship (Harry) and most recent (Joe). The announcement Harry and Taylor split (for the boat time) was in real time. With paparazzi photos of them both over the next days. She learnt from that and stopped sharing at all when she dated Harry again and with CH and Joe the announcement came months after.

As in many songs, Taylor's mind is a labyrinth and she can't get past this love. She tells herself if only feels so raw, but the chorus speaks to the 'built to fall apart and get back together' nature. The pain is her anxiety as described in Gold Rush, Slut! and Say Don't Go, and focus in I know places.

Harry has sung about Taylors smile and sacrifice to have her:

Someday (sung by Michael Buble) "I love seeing you happy / I miss seeing you smile" and "For her I bend, for you I break / And if I can't be yours now / I'll wait here on this ground / 'Til you come, 'til you take me away / Maybe someday"

Half the World Away: "Now I walk to you 'til my feet hurt / So tell me that's not good enough"

If I could Fly: "I think I might / Give up everything, just ask me to"

Half the World Away also has a similar structure, both repeat the chorus about a plane/relationship going down many times at the end.

#haylor #labyrinth #midnights #song analysis #Lyric analysis #taylor swift

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duhragonball · 2 months

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Journey to the West ch.7-69

So I've been kind of inactive on this blog for a few weeks, and that's mainly because I've been trying to catch up on unread comic books, and also the 16th Century Chinese novel, Journey to the West. I am large, I contain multitudes.

I meant to document my thoughts on the book more often than this. Back in... wow, January, I wrote about the first six chapters, and then I got up to about chapter 27 and fell behind. This week, I finally caught up to @journeytothewest-daily , whose mailing list got me to read the book in the first place, and I've finally managed to pull ahead.

I feel like the book has become easier to read. That probably has more to do with me than the book, as I feel like I've gotten acclimated to the writing style and the episodic format.

The early chapters basically set up the characters. Sun Wukong gets an origin story, Tripitaka Tang gets an origin story, and then they get paired up and add Eight Rules and Sha Monk to their sqaud. Oh, and the talking horse. He doesn't talk much, so it's easy to forget about him. Once the main cast is assembled, the other 80% of the book is just these guys journeying to the west, and it settles into a pretty simple formula.

The monks come across some obstacle, settlement, or town, and they need to obtain food, lodging, travel papers, or a path forward.

While working on that, some bad guy shows up and captures Tripitaka Tang. Usually, this is a demon who believes that eating Tripitaka Tang will make him immortal, but they don't want to eat him right away, so they make plans to invite guests and marinate him really good or whatever.

Sun Wukong has to save his master, which ought to be ridiculously easy, since Sun Wukong has 8,000,000,000 super powers, but somehow it never goes quite right, so he has to fly to various supernatural realms to seek help from various divine figures in Chinese mythology.

Eight Rules might hit the bad guy with his rake during the fight. This usually doesn't matter, but I give him credit for trying. There's a surprising amount of poetry about rakes in this book. Like, it's a magic rake with its own fantastic powers or whatever, but Wukong's so ridiculously OP that it's just a distraction.

Sha Monk is a character who is also in the story.

Also Buddha and the Bodhisattva Guanyin sometimes reveal that they arranged for a bad guy to capture Tripitaka Tang, just to satisfy the requisite hardship he has to endure for this pilgrimage.

And once you get accustomed to the flow of this formula, it gets pretty cozy. I think I struggled with the early parts of the novel because it was setting up a situation I wasn't too familiar with. Also, I was looking for parallels to Dragon Ball, which was directly inspired by Journey to the West, but the connections are subtler than I expected. Once I got the lay of the land, it got easier to follow.

For me, the most interesting feature of the story is the power imbalance. Sun Wukong can basically do anything go anywhere and he's nigh indestructible, and all the gods seem to wholly support him now that he's Tang's disciple, so he can always get divine help whenever he asks for it. I see people complaining that characters like Superman are too powerful to work in storytelling, except Sun Wukong could one-shot an army of Supermans with a single stroke of his magic staff, then bring them back to life by petitioning the gods of the underworld, then kill them again by asking the Jade Emperor to do it for him. And yet Journey to the West still works in spite of this. Everyone who complains about Superman being too powerful needs to read JTTW, so they can see that they were proven wrong 500 years ago.

It is a problem, though, and it seems like the author is aware of it. At one point early in the journey, Eight Rules asks Sun Wukong why he doesn't just carry their master to their destination on his magic cloud. Wukong explains that he can't, because the magic that allows him to travel so quickly on the cloud doesn't work for human passengers. So he can go all over the world (and beyond) to find allies and information to help Tang, but he can't act as transportation. Despite all the divine intervention and supernatural helpers he has, Tang still has to make the journey himself. Wukong and the others can protect him and help him, but they can't do it for him.

And that's Sun Wukong's great weakness. He's invincible, but Tripitaka Tang is not, and if Tang dies, Wukong's mission is a failure. And this is no small thing, because Wukong's entire reason for being in this part of the story is to accompany the Tang Monk. Twice so far, they've had a falling out, and the Tang Monk basically kicked him out of the group, and Wukong very quickly realized he has nowhere else to go, and nothing else to do. For all his vast power, his purpose in life is defined by a very small, fragile thing.

So it's interesting to see how the author tries to balance Wukong's powers with the plot. Obviously there's the Tight Fillet, the golden band on his head which can cause him excruciating pain whenever Tang recites a spell. But there's also other items out there that can give Wukong some difficulty, and I don't think it's a coincidence that the bad guys on the way to India are more challenging than all the good guy supernatural characters that Wukong bullied in his youth. It's a lot easier to fight when you have no particular objective and nothing to protect, and your opponents were just minding their own business and trying to go about their day. Escorting the Tang Monk isn't just a job that Wukong has to do to make up for his past mischief; the problems he encounters along the way reflect the kind of trouble he used to cause. By doing this mission, he's forced to be on the receiving end for a change.

I think, as time went on, later writers started confronting the problem more directly. Dracula had a lot of powers, but Bram Stoker managed to give him enough weaknesses to suspend disbelief. Superman has his Kryptonite, but I think what really mattered was when characters like Superman started teaming up on a regular basis, and it became clear that the weaker characters needed to have some way to be relevant to the story. A lot of creative solutions have been developed over time, but unfortunately those don't seem to have been around in the 1500's, so Sha Monk just sort of stands around while the action unfolds. When you're the third-strongest disciple, and the strongest one doesn't need your help, what else is there?

#journey to the west

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