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#I’m feeling all sorts of emotions
lifeascaty · 7 months
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my relationship with Fable is just so precious to me
I know there are a thousand posts out there like this but he’s this little furball who lives in my house and sleeps in my bed and we can’t speak the same language but we understand each other
I know which meow means he wants cuddles and attention and which means he wants food. He yells at me when it’s bedtime and I’m not being cooperative and retiring to my room on time, because he doesn’t like to sleep without being cuddled up next to me. He gets upset if I’m out of the house all day because apparently we have co-dependency issues. If he jumps on my bed to find one of his siblings is already there he gets sad and looks like I betrayed him. He follows me from room to room and is particularly outraged if I go to the bathroom without him. He insists on sitting on a stool next to the tub when I’m having a bath so that we can still be close to each other. He waits for me while I’m showering. I switched from spray deodorant to roll-on because the sound of the spray scares him. He meows hello to me whenever he enters my room. He learned how to open doors and if I shut him out of my bedroom for disturbing my sleep and barricade the door so he can’t open it he will cry and repeatedly throw himself against my door for 30 minutes before I crack and let him back in because who cares about sleep if my little man is upset. He wakes me up by hooking a claw in my lip or nose and pulling. He insists on sleeping next to my face and if I turnover in my sleep he will get up and move to the other side. He brings me his toys to play with, carrying them around with his chest puffed out looking so proud. He insists on drinking water out of a large mug instead of a bowl and we call it his “cup of tea”. He likes to quickly wash the back of my hand as a quick sign of affection. He drools constantly when he’s cuddled up next to me, happy and content. If I’ve been away for a while he’ll start drooling the moment we reunite.
He’s just this incredible little clever furball who chose me to be his special person and I’m so, so blessed 🥹
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cryptvokeeper · 2 years
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don’t get me wrong I think the general interpretation of Leo being like “I put up a cocky front but deep down I don’t actually think I’m that great and that’s why I have something to prove” is good. It’s cool, plenty of drama/angst potential and probably what the creators were going for, I’m here for it.
But there is a distinct appeal to me of the slightly-to-the-left interpretation of Leo being like “it’s not a front, I know I’m that good/smart/skilled, but I also know I’m seen by others as just the goofball face man and that’s why I have something to prove.”
#Rottmnt#Wild metaphor incoming but it’s like the difference between a hersheys bar and fancy Ghirardelli or something#At the end of the day they’re both chocolate. But ones got a bit more depth.#where was I going with this again idk I got caught up in food metaphor#It’s like. With the first one it boils down to character A (in this case Leo) going “I’m useless because I’m not good at [thing]”#Resulting in those around him either going “of course you’re good at thing! Remember the time you were good at thing?”#Or sometimes “it doesn’t matter that you’re not good at [thing] we love you regardless of what you can provide”#And again THATS GOOD THATS SOME GOOD SHIT#I LOVE THAT#but with the latter it’s more like “I know I’m good at thing *but I don’t know how to prove it to you*”#And that gives you the best of both worlds where you CAN get character A feeling bad but not for their lack of thing#But because if no can see it surely they *must* be doing something wrong right?#And ALSO you get the characters around them getting all sorts of feelings of “we didn’t do enough to show we believe in them”#Or “we didn’t notice how hard they tried”#Cuz you can get that a little in the first one but it can come off as kinda meh cuz they didn’t actually do anything wrong#It also has more opportunities for emotions besides straight sadness#You can have anger and conflict of “why am I not good enough for you?!”#That straight sef deprecation doesn’t always allow for#You can also have jealously and envy that feels less toxic and more justified#Not that it strictly needs to be justified mind you#Sometimes some toxic feelings stemming from perceived inadequacy are fuckin *chefs kiss*#But again it’s abt the VARIETY yknow#This isn’t even about Rottmnt anymore I’m just rambling#It’s my post and I get to choose the bullshit tags
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stealingyourspins · 5 days
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(Click for better quality)
Ninjago Mermaid AU- Zane.
Species: Narwhal. Chosen because of their ability to withstand cold temperatures plus their color pallet.
Zane is a Marine “spy” Robot used by researchers to record and collect data of Merfolk in their natural environment. Made in a partnership with Borg Industries and Julien Laboratories, he is a revolutionary advancement in the robotics field, going past a simple language learning model level to becoming a true AI in the 25 years of development. Zane’s expedition is simple: to help marine biologists to study Merfolk and blend in the best he can.
(Alt version with no spots under the cut and non transparent versions)
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gothicprep · 2 months
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ngl whenever I see people try to argue that things like adhd, depression, anxiety, etc aren’t expressions of neurochemistry but are instead a reaction to capitalism or something diabolically stupid like that, it always makes me think of this old tweet:
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if aliens landed on the planet tomorrow and their only measurement of earth culture was our posts, they’d probably think capitalism is a synonym for general malaise.
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maroonangels · 8 months
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Missy being canonically pansexual means so so so much to me y’all have no idea
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i’ve had this crazy emotional growth spurt lately out of nowhere where. i’ve been able to get past and make peace these traits of myself that i thought were permanent and unfixable and it’s just been so crazy. i feel like an entirely new person and honestly? for the first time in a very long time (maybe my entire life honestly) i feel. happy with myself i feel like i’m finally unlocking the version of myself i’m meant to be and Want to be
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stergeon · 29 days
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for the writer ask
💭🚦💛 💌
💭 What inspires you and your writing?
this is a real marketing major-ass answer (from your local marketing major), but i love sharing knowledge and telling stories. writing’s one of those things that’s a bit of a compulsion for me—i’m always writing something. i took a five-year break from fiction writing before i stumbled ass-first into fanfic last year, but even in those years when i was focusing on my career, i was writing guides and trainings and a ton of other stuff—just not anything fun, lol.
writing is also so cathartic. sometimes i set out to tell a specific story, but at other times, a particular emotion gets me in a vice grip and i have to put it to words before it’ll go away. my stories tend to wind up as emotional dumping grounds as a result.
i don’t write things pulled directly from my own life, but there are bits and pieces of myself and things that have happened to me scattered throughout stuff i’ve written, and usually when i’m about 75% of the way through a piece, i’ll realize it’s absolutely related to something i’m currently going through. funny how art works that way, even when you don’t intend for it to.
and occasionally i just have a fire lit under my ass about an issue and i get so hot about it that i gotta compile my thoughts. looking at you, silver snow
🚦 What sort of endings do you prefer to write: ambiguous, bad, happily ever after, etc.?
look, i would love nothing more for them girls (pick whichever girls you please) to have a happy ending where they kiss and are stupid in love for the rest of forever. i love reading those kinds of stories. but in my heart of hearts, i love an ambiguous ending. i like when there are still questions after the story ends. i like thinking about where things could go or how the characters will go on after the events of the story. like, shared space could be read as having a happy ending, but i don’t really think it is. and with the victors; the vestiges, well. you’ll see :0)
come to think of it, i’m not sure i’ve ever written a happily-ever-after, but i don’t think i’ve ever written a 100% bad ending, either. i read too many bury-your-gays stories and watched too many sad european queer coming-of-age films in my youth to ever be happy putting that kinda thing out into the world. i want to write about love with all its ugliness, but not despair or hopelessness. i think what most appeals to me about an ambiguous ending is that lingering feeling of hope. it’s not the same as the kind you get from a happily-ever-after, and something about it speaks to me.
💛 What is the most impactful lesson you’ve learned about writing?
honestly? how to take criticism. i took a creative writing class in high school where we had to read our work out loud and then receive feedback on it from the other writers in the class, and that did a lot for me. going into that class, i’d already been writing for forever and had won some little local writing contests and such, so i was a wee bit of a pretentious douche. but i’d never gotten real critique before beyond, essentially, spelling and grammar checks. it humbled me lol. it made me grow so much as a writer, and i could see where i needed to improve or where my head was wedged way too far up my own ass for others to follow. it also helped me recognize strengths i didn’t know i had, and that was huge. it’s easy to get into a self-doubt spiral when making creative work, and good, constructive criticism can do so much to help avoid that.
to this day i love critique. i like knowing what worked or didn’t work so that i can continue to improve as a writer and do better next time. did my themes land? did something really work, but another part fall flat? i’d love to know!! i try to treat everything i write as practice for the next thing, and frankly that’s helped take some of the pressure off so i don’t go into total Perfectionist Mode.
i know critique is kind of a sensitive topic in fan spaces, but i think that’s because a lot of people have gotten unsolicited criticism that is purely critical and isn’t constructive. but getting good, constructive criticism will do so much to help a person grow as a writer. it’s scary, and sometimes it hurts! writing is very personal for most people, and it stings when things aren’t received the way you think they will be. but i know i’ve grown more from having my failures pointed out (and, very importantly, having the good things about those efforts acknowledged) than anything else.
💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write?
actually Just answered this in another ask!
#sterge.eml#foxyjeongin#thank you for playing my little game and letting me talk about stories (and about me lmao)#sorry this is kind of a long post#i talk too much#i think i sound pretentious in this ask whoops. sorry#unfortunately i kind of am. i’m working on it.#… ​i guess the short answer to that first question is ‘emotions and mental illness’ lol#if you follow me on twitter (not recommended as it’s just me complaining about the weather and not being able to ride my motorcycle)#you know that every time i bring up my writing in therapy my therapist rocks my shit by revealing the story is#in fact.#NOT about what i thought it was about#or more accurately ​it’s ALSO secretly about whatever’s going on with me in real life lmao#y’know what’s really fun? looking back at something you wrote in a manic or depressive episode and going ah. hm. interesting.#the signs were. in fact. there.#(this is in fact not fun and i don’t like it. but it always happens.)#everything i write is accidentally Also about being bipolar. no getting around that#i tend to have issues organizing my thoughts and feelings to even figure out how tf i’m feeling#(forget making any attempt at doing so verbally. i have chronic foot-in-mouth disorder and accidentally say shit i don’t mean all the time)#but writing stuff down has always helped me sort through whatever mess is going on in my noggin and i love it for that#learning how to take critique is my no. 1 piece of writing advice but no. 2 is to read#read the classics. find out why they’re classics. read weird shit. read shit you don’t like. find things you like about em anyway.#and importantly: figure out WHY you do or don’t like it#it’s funny to re-read a book i haven’t read in a long time and discover OH. that’s where i get that technique from.#or that’s where i got that idea. or that’s why i had X thing happen in this story.#or why i like this type of character or scenario#nothing’s truly new and original#we’re all an amalgamation of influences and that ruuuuules#celebrate it!!!
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dirtbra1n · 1 year
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there’s a word for it. a name. for the people who take care of corpses before a funeral. hanzawa masato doesn’t remember it right now, though, because right now he’s up in the midnight hours, lying flat on the couch in the living room. too warm. he doesn’t care to remember it, the name.
it’s way, way too warm.
dying used to be simpler than this. there was no pavement, there were no buildings, there were no faceless people.
cold, though. there was cold.
the water wasn’t really flowing, too shallow, he was slowing it down, but his blood was. staining the ice.
it was gross.
he couldn’t stretch out his legs, couldn’t reach his arms out over his head. his fingers were cold and useless and deadened, and slow. the air he was struggling to breathe was pushing in and flowing out of his lungs through the puncture wound in his chest. so slow.
he’s been there before. he’s here now.
sitting stiff in the water, soaked to the bone, dying in isolation. bleeding out, masato thinks he’s alive. suffocating, he’s convinced he won’t be for much longer.
he’s not sure he’s anywhere.
dying used to be so easy.
instead of waiting until he couldn’t stand to look at himself anymore, kneeling until his head went under and waiting it out, probably getting swept away by the current until he crashed downstream—he wouldn’t know, he never lived to see that part—instead of that—
he’s wading around a little lost. he’s bleeding. the ghosts only look at him when they know it’ll sting worst, long shadows cast over the water, malformed specters dancing in mockery of him. he thinks his feet are getting a little worse than sliced up by jagged hateful rocks out of sight. that’s depressingly the least of his worries. it’s being impaled by the moon in a loop of time that fucking hates him. but he’s already bleeding. he’s a little surprised that he’s still got blood to bleed.
instead of releasing what could have become a burden, it’s him standing, helplessly, in the river, night after night after night. because it’s nighttime now. it keeps being nighttime.
it’s the kind of thing you’d almost expect to be a relief.
“hanzawa senpai.”
masato turns his head, creaky like a wooden doll. “…tashiro-kun.”
kimono-clad, he offers a hand. “you’re not face first in muck this time.”
masato doesn’t take it. a sharp smile curves his cheeks, not insincere. “thank you. ‘this time?”
tashiro smiles sheepishly down at him. squints. “did you die?”
“do I look dead?”
it’s hard to see from the water, but masato knows that tashiro’s shifted his eyes. saw it in the back of his mind, recorded on crackly film. he says, instead of answering, “I’ve got bandages.”
masato wishes he had something to rest his elbows on, to brace himself on. it doesn’t feel right playing his games standing upright, his hands in his sleeves instead of holding his head on his shoulders. “ta-shi-ro-kuuun, what do you think I need those for?” masato knows what.
tashiro replies anyway, drily from up on uneven paving, “hanzawa senpai, you’re bleeding. you need blood. to survive.”
“tashiro-kun, did I die?”
things are splintering a little. crackly film.
a web of cracks splitting tashiro’s composure, his voice shaking, “why did you?”
that wasn’t what masato asked.
“hanzawa senpai.”
“…”
“senpai.”
“…tashiro-kun.”
“you’re not face first in muck this time.”
the smile’s carving itself in, muscle memory. masato’s not going to ask what he meant by this time. “thank you.”
“did you die?”
“do I look dead?”
in the old school projector film behind his eyelids, the flickering doesn’t feel out of place. “I’ve got bandages.”
“ta-shi-ro-kuuun, what do you think I need those for?” masato’s always known what.
“hanzawa senpai, you’re bleeding. you need blood. to survive.”
“tashiro-kun, did I die?”
the shadows cast by a lantern hidden just behind tashiro make his shoulders look broad. masato swallows down a laugh, but he’s not sure what’s funny. “don’t be shallow, senpai, looks aren’t everything.”
the laugh comes out anyway. he manages, “I feel dead, forget the looks.”
“I can’t. I won’t.”
masato takes his turn to squint. they weren’t taking turns. it doesn’t matter. he doesn’t know if he still feels like laughing. he knows for sure that he can’t think of anything to say.
it’s just as well. tashiro isn’t having the same problem. “I think you should just, I don’t know. care about yourself more.”
masato swallows. his lips press into a chagrined line. “I don’t not care,” he says.
tashiro looks right through him. his eyes are like headlights.
he doesn’t actually need to say it, and masato can tell that he almost doesn’t, but maybe tashiro thought he needed to hear it out loud, feel it taking up space. maybe he was right.
“your caring sucks, senpai. it killed you.”
masato doesn’t want to follow that thread. “how many times have you been here, tashiro-kun?”
tashiro doesn’t buy into it. his demeanor is at once solemn and jarringly pleading, “senpai, won’t you live for once?”
masato means to say it like a joke, because it is one, but by accident the words, “how could I begin to deny you,” are dropping off his tongue, he doesn’t even know why, he doesn’t know why he said that, and no amount of exaggerated irreverence can hide from tashiro—eyes like cleavers, more like—the characters slipping into the water.
the ripples aren’t all that big, but they’re big enough.
like when your head aches, or the gash in your chest is losing you too much blood, or the water is tugging itself a little too close to that gash to be comfortable. something like that. something like that. it’s enough.
he doesn’t think he’s making any sense. it’s just too warm.
“maa-kun,” his older brother’s crooning, pushing his damp bangs off his forehead with cold fingers, “I think you’re sick.”
masato blinks away what he hopes is sweat. “gross.”
“not gross, worrying. sit up please.”
“I’ll throw up.”
“you won’t.”
“you’re right, I won’t.”
he’s getting fussed over in the middle of the night, on the couch that he’s sweating all over, and he’s watching a fan across the room spin and it’s nauseating and he stops looking at it. he’s getting fussed over in the middle of the night, by his older brother, because his mom’s out of town visiting her sister. he’s getting fussed over in the middle of the night, feeling a little out of his body. feeling a little—not at all—a lot like a little kid again. feeling sick, and pathetic.
he goes into the bathroom, wobbly and upset and over-warm, and he throws up.
reality’s tearing itself up, his dreams are eating it up, he’s falling apart and melting at the seams, he sits in almost-too-cold water until he thinks he’s gonna throw up again.
put him on ice, already, the sooner the funeral the sooner he can get some fucking rest.
his older brother’s sitting against the door frame, slipping in and out of consciousness. he murmurs, reaching forward to pet his hair, “‘s it too cold?”
masato doesn’t think it’s sweat. “it’s okay.”
it wouldn’t have been a very good joke, even if it’d come out right.
masato thinks he just choked around, “I want to. I want to.”
#iii of iii: funeral arrangements#hanzawa to tashiro#hanzawa masato#tashiro gonzaburou#…hanzawa masato’s nii-san as well#getting all my darts tags out of the way first.#now then. it’s been two months. most of what you see here was written in the last two hours#number of reasons for this. no idea what most of them are though#writers block for a bit Maybe ‘‘‘‘hyperfixations’’’’ other than this one DEFINITELY#but also. a breadth of images in my head that want out but maybe don’t fit here or there. Yeah. probably will be a followup of miscellaneous#lines and so on later. like spring cleaning. but on the cusp of the new year#i don’t know. it’s time being weird and dreams being weirder and looping over and over#and it’s the sibling emotion bleeding all over. because that’s where i’ve been since at least november#two months ago ogasawara was supposed to be in funeral arrangements. two months is a long time.#i’m warm while i’m writing this.#also in a little bit of a fugue state. the word masato was looking for was ‘undertaker’#okay. it’s good to get this out no matter what. because putting myself in a position of obligation with i ii and iii. was bold for me#but. i think i don’t mind in the end#that said What gets written from this point forward gets written. no one expect anything from me for a bit#but also feel free to put thoughts in my head. i do so like using words for those sorts of things#enough from me now. good talk#dirtbrain writing
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cryptidranger · 7 months
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Making a backstory for my new oc and finding ways to tie him into the pre-tadpole mess with Gortash and Durge
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musclesandhammering · 8 months
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If the Loki writers absolutely had to have an unnecessary romance baked into the plot and weren’t cowards, they would’ve paired Loki and He Who Remains together.
He could’ve made it to the Citadel at like the beginning of episode 5 and had more time to build a dynamic between just the two of them- whatever dynamic it would’ve been.
And then that would solidify Loki a major role in the Kang storyline in the main mcu, because in addition to being the one to open the multiverse (sylvie doesn’t exist in this au shh) he’d have an emotional history with the only “good” variant of him.
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moesartblog · 8 months
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.
#I just saw a post that pissed me off#it is so frustrating seeing posts complaining about lesbians being ‘forced’ to have sex with men#like I’m so sorry but uh lesbians lesbians and men have been sucking and fucking men particularly queer men since time in memoriam#and that doesn’t make them not lesbians and doesn’t mean they were necessarily forced to do it eaither#and this is not talking about the cases where that does happen#queer people of all sorts fuck and date and it will not fit into a neat box that makes you feel good every time#I hate the rising of Porto terf/radfem/transphobia rhetoric and the gender essentialism shit#sorry I’m rambling this is frustrating#also how fuckibg insensitive to bring of conversion therapy in relation to lesbians and gay men fucking each other consentually holy fuck#obviously if someone is being a fucking pushy ass and saying all lesbians should fuck men that’s awful and that person should be shunned#but I see these reactions to people just gleefully talking about the messy queer relationships they have or want to have or see#and people who do the whole nmlnm bullshit getting their emotions in a bungle#if you don’t like these opinions of mine please feel free to leave and block me#this may have not been coherent at points and is definitely vague posting about a specific post but it bothered me so much#forgot to mention the biphobia in it too#also I wanted to make it clear the cases where lesbians are pressured into sex with people they don’t wanna have sex with is Bad like it is#never EVER acceptable and the people who promote that need to be strung up#but this is not about those situations
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weizhiyuan · 2 years
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maybe controversial but I’m personally looking forward to seeing Pete suffer without/because of Vegas a bit more than the opposite. I loveee Vegas and I’m so excited to see him broken too (lol) but to me his brokenness feels different compared to Pete. Pete’s gonna go from tortured to in love w his torturer and bc of that he’s gonna go through so many conflicting feelings. We’ve already seen him crying in the why don’t you stay mv! Like I can’t WAIT to see Pete escape thinking he’s finally free only to realize he misses being with Vegas So Much. That something is Wrong when he’s without him but it also might feel wrong to feel that way. And I can’t wait until we see the Pete who thinks “he was supposed to be the person I had to be angry with. He was supposed to be the person I had to hate, and he was supposed to be the person I had to stay away from. But now no matter how hard he tried to escape, I would follow him wherever he went. No matter he ran to the edge of the world, dived deep into the bottom of the ocean, or even fell into state of unconscious, if I couldn't pull him back I was ready to go anywhere with him” about Vegas (if (hopefully) boc lets them get to that point). Although that’s from the special chapters in the novel my point is Pete’s gonna go from the state he’s in now to something so opposite and he’s going to suffer over it and that’s just so exciting to me. That through all this in his heart he still chooses Vegas….yeah. YEAH.
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tarantula-hawk-wasp · 10 months
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I think I’m feeling a lot more nervous about hypothetical criticism of my fics, despite only having a few negative comments in all my 11 years of posting stories online, is because now that I’m in Grad school, my academic writing is held under such scrutiny and I receive criticisms on things that internally I knew were weaknesses of it. So my brain is in “identify potential weaknesses to brace for critique” mode, which leaves me feeling a lot more embarrassed about fanfic, and afraid of RSD if these stories I write with earnestness and sincerity end up poorly received. And I know this is all internal in my head
And I know that like litany of this is my blog I can post what I want and we are all on the “cringe” fandom website
Anyways I’m trying to push through this new mentality of self recrimination
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designernishiki · 1 year
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hot take but. oda is honestly one of the most interesting prominent side characters in y0 to me. like. don’t get me wrong obviously i don’t condone his actions, but speaking as a character design guy, i think he’s got a whole lot of complexity to think about in his story and identity that people tend to ignore/overlook because he’s not a black and white “good” person. like no shit he’s morally fucked, that doesn’t mean his intense pining and crazed level of dedication to tachibana and the lengths all his guilt and repressed love for the man he saw as the best thing to ever grace his life drove him to aren’t interesting to think about– if anything it makes him more interesting. he was. really something
#people like to joke about wanting problematic queer rep instead of just good upstanding citizens all the time but then you get someone like#oda and suddenly all nuance dissappears and liking him as a character (for being a well-made character I mean) is equated to#condoning sex trafficking. like. no that’s not how that works#though I do think- regardless of him being a shitty dude- he does count as a victim of burying your gays#but that’s less about his death being narratively a bad choice and more that there could’ve been more queer rep amongst prominent characters#to balance it out (who don’t die)#though idk I’m always a little put off by the all too common Gay Chracter Dies For Their Tragic Love Interest trope#because it’s. too common. and depressing. but again I think it could’ve been balanced out if someone else was prominent and#canonically queer (also thinking like. nishitani seemed pretty close to canonically bi but. he. also died. so)#anyway. yeah on the other hand im glad they didn’t sugarcoat or morally sanitize him as a character for the sake of his queerness though#I would’ve really liked to have seen more on tachibana’s side about what he thought of oda and their relationship in general- cause they#knew each other for quite a while and were undeniably close. even lived together and whatnot. and all tachibana really got to say when he#found out oda was probably dead was just. well just that. that he’s probably dead. I feel like he should’ve gotten to be more shook by that#and/or more deeply conflicted and pained by the combination of his potential death for makotos safety and his responsibility for#trafficking her in the first place. that’s. such a deep well of complicated emotions to sort out and they really did absolutely nothing#with it. like. it makes me wanna write something that’s how much is There that was unused. so much with that relationship in general really.#hhhh….. anyway I should shut up now#jun oda#oda#yakuza#yakuza 0#rgg#rgg0#rambling#oh yeah also. hating him is understandable but you have to then apply the same judgement to all characters who have done some real shitty#stuff in their pasts to get by- which is quite a few characters- including lee who’s far more liked and was a literal hitman#(saying that as someone who also likes him as a character quite a bit and Likes that he’s in a moral grey zone) so. yeah.#yakuza 0 spoilers
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rosicheeks · 3 months
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Been thinking about you hon, missed seeing you around. Glad to have you pop up in my feed again ❤️
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#thank you so much for the kind message#idk how much I’ll be on right now tbh#I’m struggling a lot#I know I say that all the time#but it’s been bad like really really fucking bad lately#today has been especially bad because of my period and my emotions and hormones or whatever being all whack#might just be my period talking and how whack my brain is right now#but I’ve been seriously thinking about admitting (committing? idk the right word) myself to some sort of hospital#I don’t know where to go or look at…. I just want to go into some hospital and be like ‘hi I’m extremely mentally ill and I need help asap’#but I don’t think it works like that#I would talk to my parents about it but I already know what they’re going to say#99.99999% sure they’re going to say something like ‘well have you been praying?’#trust me i WISH praying would magically heal me but it doesn’t#anyway I was hanging out with a friend today and we watched a show and I barely even remember what it was about#the entire time I was thinking about how to get myself into inpatient or some sort of help#also freaking out that I’m almost 26 and then I’ll be off my parents insurance and feel like it’ll be 10x harder to do anything like that#I just don’t want to live like this anymore#everyone else is growing up and doing things with their lives and I’m just the same old depressed girl with nothing to show for my life#I’ve been surviving which is good don’t get me wrong#but when I die I don’t want to be like ‘wow what a good life I really survived well’ 👍#anyway thinking about texting my sister and asking her to help me but I don’t want to be a burden or anything#lol forgot I’m probably going to get criticized for bitching in the tags so I should shut up#anyway I’m very very very unhappy#and I’m going to go eat some cereal now ✌️#ask#anon
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arthur-r · 8 months
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(wrote this song before i left for college but it���s sure applicable to life right now!!!!)
lyrics: falling from grace, i’m a rusting lace artifact / tears down my face as i break my immortal pact / trust me, i want to be healthy / trust me, i want to be special and loving and sweet / trust me, i know that i’m broken / please, i just want one more chance to prove that i could be the— / best friends know how to reveal me / best friends know how hard i try to have something to say / best friends know that it’s not helping / can i just go far away to where there’s nowhere else to— / turn around, up and down, i’m melting!!!! / turn around, i have something to say!!!! / color bleeding, heartbeat leaving, need a place to lay my head / arms are folded, fine print bolded, everything is overloaded!!!!!!!! / color faded by the sun, i bite my tongue, i’m coming undone / color faded by the sun, i bite my tongue, i’m coming undone / color faded by the sun, i bite my tongue / trust me, i want to be healthy / trust me, i want to be special and loving and sweet / trust me, i know that i’m broken / trust me, i know that i’m broken….
#when i write a song and don’t know what it means and then i have a breakdown and suddenly know what it means#turns out i have been compartmentalizing since i was a VERY young child as if there are two parts of me completely separate#and one of them is this golden child perfect person always so ready to please#and the other one is a literal fucking monster. that’s how i’ve been thinking about myself since i was a little kid#and i sort of. i had a breakdown about that last week and then yesterday i was so upset about not being able to separate myself from illness#how i’ve always been treated and treated myself as if there’s a perfectly healthy person in there somewhere who is just plagued with demons#so i’m constantly reaching for this person that doesn’t exist and never has and never will#because i can’t accept myself as a whole being complete with good and bad parts of me#it’s also just autism/POTS venting shdhdhdf but i knew that much#it wasn’t until i thought about my childhood though that i realized i’ve always been autistic i’ve always had mobility issues (though less)#and that i have never let myself integrate those aspects of myself into my permanent identity. like i’m waiting for them to go away so i can#prove myself and show how good i can be at just being normal. so i don’t know. anyway here’s a song#P.S. i processed my emotions so good and i’m normal now. gonna get dinner with that guy today and have a normal person conversation#so don’t worry about me. i pretty much fell asleep after i posted and i’m doing a lot better now#anyway i’m not great at this instrument shdhdf and i’ve also been crying so like as a piece of music this isn’t great#but as an expression of a feeling and idea. these are the feelings and ideas i’ve been thinking about#of all the things to theoretically be overheard by a ton of neighbors though. living in a dorm is nerve-wracking!!!!#most people don’t hang around my dorm at this time of day though i’ll be alright. hope everyone is doing well#me. my post. mine.#ask to tag#music
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