#today has been especially bad because of my period and my emotions and hormones or whatever being all whack

[rosicheeks]

Been thinking about you hon, missed seeing you around. Glad to have you pop up in my feed again ❤️

[tainted-harmon]

today i was tik tok of girl saying violet would have bpd (Borderline personality disorder) but also i search she had major depression mostly and the girl is just saying about how she acted with tate etc. what do you think about it? (sorry if i made mistakes im from Germany😁❤️)

Hey, I was actually diagnosed with BPD as I turned 18 (I’m 28 now). I strongly disagree that Violet had BPD, her behaviour was typical teenage behaviour, added with depression. Lots of teenagers suffer depression and self harm, and it’s more common than people realise for teenagers to struggle with suicidal thoughts.

I think a lot of people misunderstand this condition but one thing that is important to point out is that it cannot be diagnosed in anyone under 18, and often doctors don’t like even diagnosing it in people before their 20s because it’s a very complex condition. It’s something that is typical a lifelong condition, meaning it doesn’t get better. Most people with depression do get better or have large periods of being able to function. A lot of people throw these terms around, especially Bipolar when explaining normal mood swings. People under estimate how much hormones can affect someone’s mental health and cause mood swings. Violet was dealing with a lot of typical things that people go through, parents having issues, bullying, but she did have the added experience of a sibling death.

I’ve mentioned years ago on here, but basically I experienced a trauma during childhood and started self harming from the age of 9. Then when I was 12 my mum had a stillborn when she was almost full term and I got to hold him every day until his funeral (I was given the choice to see him and the funeral and was never forced) but this then impacted me further because it was a very hard thing to see. From this point I developed really bad depression, ended up with stitches from self harm and through my early teens until I was 18 I was in and out of hospital because of self harm and suicide attempts. When I was 16 I got put in a child mental health unit because I was was taking so many overdoses and cutting very deep on impulse. I honestly couldn’t tell you the amount of times I had to go to hospital for hurting myself before the age of 16. My school even had to call an ambulance because I overdosed in the school bathrooms when I was about 15.

When I got out of the unit is when I first saw American Horror Story on television and I felt this immediate connection with Violet.

Sorry I made this a bit personal but I think it’s important to explain why I don’t believe Violet had BPD. Violet was depressed, which is obviously a very common condition and many of us will experience it. BPD is almost always caused by an early childhood trauma, usually sexual abuse or something similar, and this has an impact on someone’s emotional development and personality.

I think people may be assuming Violet has BPD because she made one impulsive decision to overdose on sleeping tablets, but a single or even a couple of impulsive decisions can be made by anyone. I was diagnosed with BPD because I had almost a decade long history of behaviour that was impulsive and was having major issues in my relationships with people (these are both things I have worked on and been improving through my 20s but still struggle). I still receive mental health support and will do for the rest of my life because even in the last 12 months I’ve received medical treatment for incidents or self harming behaviour.

I hope this helps explain things a bit ❤️

[lucy90712]

Hey! I just read the headcannon about period and i'd love to read an imagine with fabio about it. Maybe his girlfriend was having strong cramps and he could take care of her. Thanks.

Fabio Quartararo- That time again

I hate being on my period on any given day but some things make it worse and being at work is one of them. Which is why when I got to work today sat down and felt that I'd started I wanted to get up and go back home but sadly I couldn't as I had a lot to get done. Before I could do any of it I rooted through my bag and found some supplies right at the bottom and headed to the bathroom. On my way a few of the girls I speak to at the company looked at me and gave me a sympathetic smile clearly knowing exactly what was going on as we have all done it at some point. That didn't really make me feel any better especially when back at my desk there was a new set of papers for me to look at and a couple emails with things for me to get done today which weren't on my agenda to do today.

Throughout the day the cramps started to creep in which made my day worse and worse as they got more and more painful but I didn't have any pain killers so I just had to live with the pain until I could go home which felt like an eternity. Each minute felt like an hour which was painful but it did mean I was quite productive and was able to get all the extra things done as well as all the things I was aiming to do when I arrived. Eventually though the clock hit 6 and although usually I would stay a bit longer to finish things off today I grabbed my things and left straight away. My day went from bad to worse though as my car was pretty much out of fuel which meant I had to fill it up on the way home as I'm not at all like Fabio and wouldn't dare risk driving with no fuel.

Of course along the way there was loads of traffic for some reason which meant it took twice as long as usual to even get to the petrol station and once I was there only one pump was working so there was a long queue which I just had to sit in. All I had to keep me entertained was my phone which normally would be great but today no one had text me and my social media was just barren as there wasn't any posts or anything. Finally I was able to fill up my car and rejoin the traffic that appeared to just be everywhere today and was almost making me pull my hair out but luckily I made it home before I felt the need to resort to that but it was definitely close. 

As soon as I walked in the door I wanted to go and find some painkillers so I went to the kitchen where our medicine cabinet is and rooted through everything in there as most of it is stuff Fabio uses for injuries. After taking out half of the things in there I found no painkillers which meant I either had to deal with the pain or go and get some which honestly after sitting in the traffic sounded like the worst thing imaginable. Instead of thinking about it I remembered that I needed to change so I went to the bathroom to find my supplies which are usually in a draw but when I opened it the draw was empty.

That was just about the last straw and by that point there was no controlling my emotions the tears just started flowing. I knew it was stupid to cry over it because there was a simple fix to all of my problems and that was to go to the store but after the horrendous day I've had even that felt like too much. For some reason with all the hormones it just felt like my life was crumbling around me and it wasn't helped by the fact that Fabio has been gone all weekend so I haven't seen him in days which always makes me more emotional than usual anyway. 

Fabio's POV

Being away from home for days on end is never fun but when I eventually get to come home and be with y/n again I forget all about missing her so much and just enjoy our time together before I inevitably have to leave for another race weekend. This race was a lot further out so I had to leave earlier and have got back later than usual so we have been apart for longer than usual which makes me more excited then ever to see y/n and get to spend the evening purely cuddling with her. I know she has been having an awful time at work and I wish I could have been home or at least able to talk to her more but there was nothing I can do about that now all I can do is spend time with her now while I can. 

Pulling into the driveway I saw her car there which meant she was home already and hadn't stayed late at work like she has been doing a lot recently. Although she was home when I opened the door no lights were on despite it being dark out and it was completely silent which is very unusual as even if y/n was upstairs where I couldn't see the light there would definitely be music or something playing throughout the house as I know she hates silence. I called her name to see where she was but there was no answer which made me panic as something just felt off like I knew something was wrong but I couldn't tell exactly what it was as sadly I'm not psychic. 

I wanted to believe she was just busy so didn't hear me but I had to know where she was as the feeling of anxiety wouldn't leave me so I checked every room downstairs before heading up the stairs and checking all off the obvious places up there. I looked in her office as I thought she could be in there but she wasn't and then I checked our bedroom but she wasn't sat in there. Just as I was about leave and move on to the next room I heard sniffling and then sobbing from behind the bathroom door. Right away I knew that y/n was in there crying and probably had been for ages which made me feel awful that she had just been sat there crying on her own with no one to talk to make her feel better. It made me wonder if she has been doing this every night I've been away and because I haven't been here I haven't noticed how upset she has been. All of those thoughts had to be put to the side for the moment though as there is nothing I can do about the past but I can go in there and be there for her now.

So that's exactly what I did I opened the door to see her curled up on the floor next to the vanity where one of the draws was open. It took me a second but I quickly realised that the draw was the one she puts all of her period supplies and weirdly that made me feel a little better as it meant she probably hasn't been crying every night I was gone. As much as I didn't feel quite as bad it still wasn't nice to see her crying so I got down on the floor next to her and held her close to my chest and rubbed her back to hopefully calm her down. Her tears continued to flow but I could feel her grab onto me harder so I knew I just had to let her cry until she eventually stopped.

Your POV

After what felt like forever I heard the bathroom door open and I felt arms going around my waist which I knew instantly was Fabio. He pulled me to his chest and rubbed my back which presumably was to calm me down but I just couldn't stop the tears so instead I held onto him tighter just so he knew I appreciated him being there. To try and calm myself down I listened to his heartbeat which really helped to regulate mine and my breathing which eventually made the tears slow down until they stopped. Even once I stopped crying the room was still silent and Fabio just stroked my hair while keeping a tight grip on my waist which was comforting especially after having not seen him in so long it felt great to have his arms around me again. He let me hold onto him until I had calmed down fully and then he picked me up and carried me downstairs to the sofa where he sat me on his lap with his arms tightly around me. 

"Are you ready to talk yet?" He asked 

"Yeah" I croaked back with my voice breaking up from crying 

"What's up then love?" He asked 

"Well its a long story but I've had a horrible day and I started my period but we don't have any pain killers and I don't have any supplies which was my final straw which is why I was crying" I explained 

"Oh darling I'm sorry how about you settle in here and put some comfy clothes on and I'll go to the store and get everything you need" he said 

"That would be great thank you" I replied

With that he took me off his lap and went to put his shoes on before coming back over and giving me one last kiss before actually leaving the house. Once he was out the door I went upstairs and changed into a pair of shorts and one of Fabio's shirts that I always steal as its comfy and it usually smells like him which is always nice. While upstairs I took my makeup off and did my skincare as well as putting my hair up in a messy bun as thats all I could be bothered to do and I knew Fabio wouldn't care so I didn't worry about looking awful. It took me a while to get myself ready as I had no motivation to do anything quickly but I did eventually go back and settle in on the sofa just as Fabio got home. The smile on his face as he walked over was just so infectious that I couldn't help but smile back a tiny bit and my smile only got bigger when he sat next to me and gave me everything he got. He had got everything I needed but he also brought me chocolates and sweets as well as my favourite crisps because he is the sweetest person and the best boyfriend ever.

We sat down together for a bit with me eating some of the snacks he brought before he got up to go and make some proper dinner for the both of us. I watched him from the sofa for a while before getting lonely sat on my own so I got up and stood in a corner in the kitchen just watching as Fabio was all concentrated chopping up vegetables. He had his concentration face on which I've always found adorable so while he wasn't looking I took the opportunity just to stare at him and admire his face without him making fun of me for doing so. When he was done preparing things and had put everything in the oven he came over to where I was stood and pulled me onto the counter and then stood between my legs with his hands still on my waist. We looked into each other's eyes for a moment before I saw a change in his expression and then before I could react he was tickling my sides. I'm super ticklish and Fabio knows that so he likes to tickle me if he can get away with it as normally I run away before he can but he had me trapped this time. Within seconds I was giggling and could barely hold myself up so I fell onto his shoulder while begging him to stop. 

Eventually he stopped tickling me but only when the timer went off signalling that the food was ready. As he had left me alone I took my chance to get away and get plates out and get water for the both of us which I took to the living room as I was not willing to sit at our dinning table after being sat at a desk all day. It wasn't long before Fabio joined me on the sofa and we tucked into our dinner which was much needed as I hadn't realised how hungry I was until I could smell the food being cooked. We ate in a comfortable silence until we were both done and Fabio took my plate off me to put it in the dishwasher and came back with bowls of ice cream for the both of us which I devoured in a few minutes which did make me cold but it was well worth it. As I was cold I got the blanket we keep on the sofa and forced Fabio to lie under it with me as I laid down on his chest as I pulled the blanket over me but luckily he didn't seem to care as he just let me snuggle in and put the tv on. 

For the rest of the evening we watched our favourite show together and just kind of hung out catching up on our days as we hadn't really talked about what we had done during the day. I told Fabio all about my awful day which he was sympathetic about but he also did laugh at my misfortunes a little when I told him about the disaster I had getting fuel which I had to admit was a little funny. Just laying there with him made me forget all about my period and how much everything hurt which was great as usually it bugs me constantly to the point that I can't sleep. Today however that wasn't the problem and in fact I felt myself getting tired laying on the sofa and eventually just gave into the tiredness. At some point I woke up a bit when I felt Fabio carrying me up to bed and laying me down but when I felt his arm go around my waist again I went straight back to sleep. 

~~~~~~~~~~

After having a nice relaxing evening my morning didn't get off to the best start as my cramps were back in full force and I slept through my alarm so I had to get to ready for work super quickly. I managed to get myself ready in record time and said goodbye to Fabio before running to the garage to get in my car. Like always I got in and attempted to start the car but it didn't start which confused me as I put fuel in it yesterday and I recently got it all checked out at a garage so there was no reason for it not to work so I tried again and again until I just decided to give up. It is quite a walk to my office but I just needed to get there so that was about my only option so I had to go back inside and drop my keys off and put new shoes on as I was not about to walk in heels. Fabio was stood in the kitchen when I came back in and looked at me confused but when I put my car keys back he must have understood as he dropped everything and grabbed his keys as well as my hand to take me to his car. 

Fabio happily drove me to work even though he has other things he should be doing and he even told me he would pick me up after work which was sweet of him as I know he is usually busy when I finish work. He also came into the office with me to say a quick hello to my coworkers as they have met him a few times and absolutely love him so we all had a quick conversation before everyone had to get on with their day and I said goodbye to Fabio for real this time. I watched him leave out the window in my office because I know Fabio too well and as he drove out the car park he was waving out of his window and then jokingly flipped me off once he saw I was watching him. Naturally I just smiled but took a picture of me doing the same and sent it to him so that he would look at it later and then the next time he texted me he would see it again. 

Overall work wasn't awful but my cramps stayed all day and didn't ease even with pain killers so when Fabio finally arrived to pick me up it felt like an end to my nightmare as at least I could go home and lay down for the rest of the day. The whole drive home Fabio had his hand on my thigh and was tracing circles on it which was a nice distraction from the pain and he was playing a playlist of songs we both love which also distracted me as I was just listening to songs and reminiscing about the times they reminded me of. It was nice to be reminded of all the great memories I have with Fabio as sometimes I forget about about some of the things we have done together as there has just been so many wonderful memories that they often all cloud together in one so to think about each one separately and remember the emotions I felt at the time was refreshing. By the time we got home I was feeling much happier and even had a smile on my face which isn't something you see often when I'm on my period so Fabio had managed to achieve quite a feat. 

Once we were home Fabio and I cooked dinner together again and although he did most of the work I enjoyed spending the time with him and dancing around the kitchen together with not a care in the world. The enjoyment didn't last long though because as soon as I ate dinner my cramps got stronger than they have been so far and I felt like I could barely move they hurt that much. I ended up curled up in a corner of  the sofa with Fabio stroking my side trying his best to comfort me which I know isn't easy as I can get moody but its sweet that he tries his best still. He has always been super sympathetic when I'm on my period as although he will never fully understand he always tries his best to listen to what I say and not think he knows everything which some of my past partners have done. 

He knows me so well that after a while of my just laying there listening to me groaning he picked me up from the sofa and took me to the bathroom where he ran a hot bath while running back and forth to get things. He brought candles in, towels, some clothes for me to change into after my bath and then he went downstairs and brought up some strawberries for me as he knows I love them. When the bath was ready he left me alone so that I could relax by myself so I did just that, I let the warm water ease the pain in my back and lower stomach and just enjoyed the time alone with nothing to do. The whole time I was in the bath I didn't think about work or anything that usually stresses me out, my mind was just kind of empty which never happens but it was nice not to be stressing about anything.

Getting out the bath I grabbed the clothes Fabio got for me and couldn't help but giggle as he had brought me a pair of his sweatpants and one of his t shirts which looked ridiculous on as they were huge but they were so comfy I kind of didn't care. To go along with the fact that I already looked kind of a mess I took my makeup off and put my hair up into a loose bun to get it out of my way. I used to care a lot more about how I looked around Fabio but since we moved in together I don't feel like I need to look good all the time especially as he seems to compliment me even more when I just look natural. My insecurities have also definitely gotten better since I've been with Fabio as he does everything he can to make me feel good about myself all the time and when I don't he doesn't dismiss it he just tries to make me feel better. 

When I came back out Fabio was laying on our bed with blankets and a hot water bottle which he gave to me right away and then he tucked me up in the blankets which was very comfortable. He put a movie on which we watched all cuddled up together under the millions of blankets and then when the hot water bottle got cold I started to lay on Fabio as he is like a human radiator. The movie quickly turned into background noise when Fabio started to massage my back and draw shapes on it as that always relaxes me and send me to sleep within minutes which is great as without him I probably wouldn't be able to sleep for most of my period which is why he is the best when it it that time of the month. 

[zuluc]

anonymous requested: Ahhhh I’ve never asked for something like this and if it’s an odd request please feel free to ignore it but can you write Zhongli, Kaeya, diluc, and Childe (separately?) taking care of their s/o who is very sick and in a lot of pain because of their period? (I really don’t feel good and the cramps are making me cry and shake and I could use the comfort right now😭)

pairings: childe, diluc, kaeya, zhongli x gn!reader

style & genre: bulleted; fluff

notes: anon 😪😪 maybe tmi but my cramps woke me up this morning while i was enjoying a nice sleep so i’m pretty sad and grumpy today and writing this made me feel a little better

Childe

The first thing he does is make sure that you’re eating well. Usually the constant feeling of something akin to punches collecting in your gut makes you more irritable and in need of food in your system. While you may deny him saying that you don’t have the appetite for it, he’ll sit you down, maybe in his lap with you slumping against him as he tries to feed you. Once you taste it, you can’t deny that his cooking is amazing

He still has his job to do but will always leave you with enough food in the house to eat even if you might just sleep the day off, especially if it is even worse that month. When he comes back home and you’re moping on the sofa in pain he wastes no time in picking you up and plopping you onto the bed for cuddles, after he cleans up of course

He will never deny you them for as long as he shall live and extra clinginess from you is a nice bonus for him

Will try to take your mind off the pain by talking to you about his day and what he had been doing all the while massaging your scalp if you were to get a migraine. He talks quieter during these times and he is very careful about what exactly he talks about

Speaking of, at one point your hormones were out of control and you just started bawling when he told you about “accidentally” beat up one of the fatui agents and was about to laugh until he saw actual tears running down your face

“They feel pain, Childe!”

“Y/n, you fight them almost every other day and now you’re concerned about their pain?”

Overall, if you had to be stuck with someone it would be him because of cuddles, attention, and an endless supply of food (that he himself cooks ofc)

Diluc

At first he was confused why you would always cling to him at certain times of the month until you explained the circumstances. He was a bit flustered at hearing what about what happens to your body as well as feeling concerned when you described the pain that may or may not come with it

The reason for your added clinginess is because this man is essentially a walking heating pad. Being next to him and sleeping next to him just feel amazing for your fatigued self. He sometimes doesn’t need to be touching you because the warmth from his body radiates off of him, amplified by his use of his pyro

One morning, you can’t pull yourself out of bed because the familiar pain has settled yet again for the month. You hadn’t felt this bad in a while and the fact that it hurt quite a bit made a reasonable stand for you to stay in bed. You do feel something near you and with relief you see that it’s Diluc who had actually come home early the night before. He already has a hand outstretched towards you which you assume you had been previously wrapped in if it weren’t for your constant movement to find a comfortable position

This is how he wakes up to his hand pressed against your lower stomach and he doesn’t question it when he sees your content features, so he decides to use his pyro to warm his hands to just the right temperature

Diluc most likely has all the pain killers ready and right after you let him go, he makes his way to your kitchen to make you breakfast while you stay in bed, all of course with a good morning kiss before he goes

He gets tense if you start to cry for a reason unknown to him, and in reality you as well, but will not hesitate to pull you into his arms. Though you cry even more at how warm he feels because it’s just that nice. Basically, he holds you the entire day.

“Let’s go lay in bed.”

“Let me just stay here for a little longer...”

You ended up falling asleep on him but he didn’t mind it at all

Kaeya

He has your cycle memorized or at least he’s aware of when you’re going to be on it because of your slight changes in mood and appetite beforehand. Like the person he is, he does tease you a bit if you want cuddles from him but the genuine look on your face isn’t something he can necessarily say no to, so he “reluctantly” lets you have your way but you can feel how tight his embrace is

He does go out of his way to bring you whatever you need if you can’t leave the house and never leaves you alone in the house without. Craving sweets? He’s on it. Needing a pyro heating pack? Already stocked inside one of your drawers. Need him? He’s trying his best to finish his work as soon as possible to return to you

When you’re not feeling the absolute best during that time of the month, he will ask for a day off to spend it with you. He knows that he doesn’t have firsthand experience of your pain but understands that cramps are not fun to have and can be quite painful some days more than others. In these cases, he gives massages down your lower back, very skillfully might I add with the dexterity of his movements. The massages are heavenly like your back never feels the same afterwards (massaging your lower back helps quite a bit with cramps!)

Kisses! You already get a lot on the daily but he thinks they help take your mind off the pain. He passes by you a lot when moving around the house and never forgets to place a small one on your temple, cheek, or lips. Pull him down for more and he’s indulging you in full blown cuddles

“You’re clingier than usual, darling”

“I can and will push you off, Sir Kaeya”

“Oh? Is that how it is?”

He knows you won’t but it’s so much fun to see you pout over him pulling away

Zhongli

He thinks that tea can solve everything but once he tries to get you a cup, you’re clinging onto him for dear life as the cramps overtake your body. He’s surprised but immediately hoists you into his arms to lay you on the cushions or back to your bed. He isn’t aware of what’s happening and actually thinks your dying so he rushes to get the tea 😀and maybe 

You have to reassure him that, no, you’re not, you’re very much alive and that you just want cuddles he was already halfway out the door to call for Baizhu. He may look at you questioningly but won’t ask anything so you’d have to explain what’s happening. Might look even more confused before he realizes that the main reason he doesn’t understand is because he’s not female nor is he really human. Makes sense

Still insists that tea will help so expect one to be made and ready whenever beside you when you feel particularly bad. The tea can be for relaxation, sleep, or simple energizing just in case you need to be out for the day or need to finish up work

When you get emotional, he’s immediately pulling you to him while rubbing a hand down your back or your lower stomach should you request it, listening to whatever it is that had made you so and inserting his own commentary with his very deep and nice voice from time to time to let you know that he’s listening

You know he’s the type to say whatever he’s reading out loud whilst having you on his lap. The moments when your cramps are too unbearable make this gesture even better because your face is tucked into his neck with the warmth of his hands pressed to your back, his voice like honey speaking to you. You could listen to him go on and on about whatever to get your mind off of your pain

“And so--my dear, what’s the matter?”

“So you gave me glaze lilies for that reason?”

The adoration in your eyes mirrors onto his and he smiles before pressing a kiss to your forehead

[punkrockmads]

Rough Day

Abby Anderson x Fem! Reader

Requested by @vultureinajumpsuit

Summary: When your time of the month comes a little early and leaves you extremely emotional, Abby does her best to remind you she's there for you through every struggle... even the most embarrassing ones.♡

"Jesus Christ. Owen, please shut up." You grumble, resting your head on the cafeteria table. You stare down at your shoes, blinking back tears. Owen has been going on for hours about the same abandoned restaurant he found a few days ago and it's starting to frustrate you.

"Alright then." Owen says, rolling his eyes. "Jeez, why are you so pissy today?" You know he's only messing with you, but your emotions are running wild today. You feel a sting of hurt in your chest. Without a word, you stand up and throw away the rest of your barely eaten chili. You ignore Abby's concerned glance as you turn away from the table and walk out of the cafeteria.

Today hasn't been a great one. Your monthly bloodbath had decided to come early, leaving you totally unprepared and upset. You tend to be extremely sensitive and frustrated due to the hormones and cramps that come along with the discomfort of bleeding for a week straight. Every little thing has been getting on your nerves today and everyone has noticed it, especially Abby.

You and Abby have been dating for about a year, giving her plenty of time to figure out why your moods change at the end of each month. She wonders why you haven't told her, especially considering you know when her cycle is, but she doesn't try to force you, thinking it might be uncomfortable for you to talk about.

"Hey, can you maybe tone it down?" Abby asks Owen after you leave.

"What?" Owen puts a hand to his chest, a look of mischief on his face. "I'm just messing around! Not my fault she's acting all moody!" Abby rolls her eyes, getting up to go find you. "Hey! I wasn't trying to be a dick!" Owen calls after her. Abby ignores him, leaving the cafeteria. She looks around the stadium. Where the hell did you go? The most logical place would be your room, right? She heads off in the direction of your room, thinking about ways she could cheer you up. Abby loves your smile. It makes her feel like she's laid eyes on an angel. She hasn't seen your smile all day.

As Abby walks to your room, she spots Nora down the hall. "Hey, Nora!" Abby waves Nora over with a smile.

"Hey. You looking for Y/N?" Nora asks. She knows perfectly well why Abby would be on the floor above her own.

"Yeah, you seen her?" Abby sighs, looking around the hall.

"Yeah, bumped into her while she was headed to her room." Nora replies, zipping up her olive green jacket. "She said she was gonna go see Alice and Bear. Hey, she looked a little tense. Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine, she's just having a rough day." Abby explains. "I better go find her." Nora puts her hand on Abby's arm as she walks past.

"You might wanna hurry." Nora warns. "It's gonna rain soon."

"Thanks, Nora." Abby nods, walking past her to your room. Thankfully, you had given her your spare key a few months ago. She can cut through your room and use the back door to get to the dog kennels faster. She unlocks the door, stepping into the room and quickly shutting and locking the door behind her. She can't help but pause and glance around your room.

Posters and photos of places all over the world litter the walls. A huge poster of the Eiffel Tower hangs above your bed. Abby smiles, remembering the many times you've talked about your dream to travel the world. The first night you told her about it, she made a silent promise to herself that she would take you all over the world and make your dream come true, no matter how much effort it took. A few dishes rest in the drying rack on the kitchen counter. Abby remembers the time you came to her room and immediately started washing the dishes she had forgotten to do because "you'll be happier to come home to a clean room after a long day."

"I'm getting sidetracked." Abby sighs to herself. She heads through the back door, locking it behind her. "Alright. Dog kennels." A few people greet Abby as she walks down the steps to the dog kennels. Everyone seems to be heading inside. Abby looks up at the sky, noticing the grey clouds that are only getting darker with every passing minute. Thunderstorm. She spots you in a kennel with Alice and Bear. Bear sits beside you as you play fetch with Alice. Abby greets the woman at the checkout desk and joins you in the kennel. You look up at her from your spot on the ground, offering her a tiny smile before looking back at Alice.

"Hey." Abby says, sitting beside you. She crosses her legs, copying your position.

"Hey." You reply, your knee brushing against hers. Alice drops the ball in your lap. Abby takes it before you can. She throws it to Alice, taking your hand.

"Wanna talk about what's been bugging you?" Abby asks, rubbing your knuckles with your thumb.

"Why do I feel like you already know?" You ask, looking at her with a raised brow.

"Because I do." Abby replies with a playful grin. "Why didn't you tell me you were on your period?"

"It's not important." You shrug, looking down at your lap. "And it's embarrassing." Abby's smile fades a little. Why would you find such a thing embarrassing?

"Hey." Abby places a hand on your cheek, moving you to look back at her. "It's important to me. You can always talk to me. If you ever need me to get you anything or you just need some comfort, don't be embarrassed to tell me. That shit sucks. But, if you tell me, I can do my best to make it a little more bearable. Yeah?"

"Yeah." You say with a small nod. Abby presses a soft kiss to your forehead, backing away to see a growing smile on your face.

"There's that smile." Abby says, her own smile growing wider once again. You roll your eyes, laughing a little. "Hey, what do you say we-" Just as Abby starts to speak, she's cut off by the booming sound of thunder. The violent noise seems to shake the Earth as rain starts to pour from the bleak sky. "Shit!" Abby grumbles. "We're gonna get soaked." Abby stands up, pulling you up with her. She's a little stunned to find you laughing. She gives you a questioning look as you struggle to hold back your laughs. "What?" She frowns, not understanding what you find so funny.

"Babe-" Your own giggle cuts you off. "You have a grass stain on the back of your pants!" Abby tries to look at her pants as you grab at the fabric near her thigh. "That is never gonna wash out!" You laugh, twisting the leg of her pants around a bit to show her. "Why did I immediately think of Shrek?!" You laugh harder at your own chaotic brain.

Abby begins to laugh with you, turning you around to look at the back of your pants. "Yours are stained too!" She chuckles, cheeks hurting from smiling. "We're so dumb!"

"We're a mess!" You say, your laughing dying down. "Okay, we should get inside." You take Abby's hand, guiding her out of the kennel. The two of you say goodbye to the dogs and run inside.

"Man." Abby sighs, locking the back door. She looks at the damp puddle on the floor from the rain you two have tracked in. "We need to dry off."

"Way ahead of you." You say, throwing a towel at her. She huffs a little as it hits her in the chest. Wrapping a towel around yourself, you grab a third towel and use it to wipe up the water on the floor. Thankfully, Abby left a pair of sweatpants and a tank top of hers at your place, meaning both of you could change into dry clothes. Once the two of you are done changing, you sit on the couch beside Abby, both of you wrapped up in a warm, fuzzy blanket. Abby uses her towel to dry her hair, water dripping from the end of her braid down her back in cold streaks. You place a hand on her knee.

"Thank you." You say, squeezing her knee lightly.

"For what?" Abby asks, setting the towel on the back of the couch. You lean into her side, wrapping your arms around her torso.

"Everything." You respond, unable to fully explain your gratitude. Abby smiles lovingly, putting an arm around you. She understands what you mean. She always does.

"You're welcome." She says, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. "Wanna watch a movie?" She sits back against the couch, pulling you back with her so your head is resting on her chest.

"Shouldn't I apologize to Owen for yelling at him first?" You ask, feeling slightly bad for your outburst.

"Nah." Abby chuckles, reaching for the remote. "He can wait. Coraline is more important."

[7wanderingpaws]

Simply, yours (10)

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader

Genre:  family AU, hapkido teacher AU, PhD AU

Word count: 6.5K

Warnings: cursing

A/N: Hello, hi! Welcome back! This chapter has a LOT of stuff happening... But at the end of the day, we all want to have a pleasant read, right? I hope you will like this one, I enjoyed writing it a whole lot... 😊💖 Pls let me know what you thought, it helps me so much! Have a good day/night! ^^ Btw what did you think of BBHs cover of BoA? I LOVE IT! Original was already so good and he just made it more speacial by adding his sweet flavor... 💕

tags: @milky-baek @itsbaekhyunsbutt @luvhtears @shesdreaminginoverdose @cynthbee @jummyjammy @junmyeonnoona (if you want to be tagged/untagged please let me know!)

MASTERLIST

1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5 . 6 . 7 . 8 . 9 . 10

-

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

That was what you've been muttering to yourself for the past two hours on your way back home and basically ever since you turned your back on him. Literally. Because you are that bad at controlling your emotions for some reason.

So as a way to punish yourself, you ended up popping into the nearest convenience store to your apartment and getting chocolates and sweet bakery because you… needed it. You had been dying to put something sweet into your mouth, so it could be hardly taken as a punishment, but you did find it as unnecessary expense, plus you were already halfway through looking like an elephant. But wow, what a sucky day, yucks.

It was one thing to be a little jealous about that girl, and a completely different thing to become cold towards Baekhyun and not even tell him what was bothering you. He didn't deserve that and you felt extremely guilty, to the point that you just entered your quiet, loving home and felt like crying like a baby.

Changing into comfy clothes, you didn't even bother with folding them, instead throwing them into the laundry basket, too preoccupied with your own guilt. Plus, your sweat pants felt tighter and uncomfortable around your thighs. How annoying. You needed to spend even more money now for the stupid XXXXXL size that you were slowly becoming.

You could bet that Jiyoung girl had the smallest size waist-

“Ah, stop it!” you shouted into nothing, tired of yourself and the whirlwind of emotions that you became. How was it possible to switch between emotions this fast? Your period wasn't the kindest but thankfully it was rarely painful and you only had terrible cravings instead of mood swings but this pregnancy was too much.

And in that moment, everything was getting on your nerves. You losing your job. You wanting to surprise your boyfriend. Him smiling like that at another woman. Him smiling. Seriously, why was he even smiling?! You weren't even there, so how dared he smile? Oh, and yeah that woman next to your man! You declining his request to stay until he was done. You should have stayed. You should have stayed and support him, enjoy the way he was doing his passion and maybe you would have understood what that Jiyoung girl was doing. Was she even a student?

You sighed. You wouldn't know. If she would have been a student, you didn't think she would dare to come collect him from his girlfriend like that.

You threw yourself into the softness of your pillows, chocolate bar in your mouth as you took a small bite and let your angry tears fall. This was so not you. This wasn't the strong, independent woman and if you would keep up this game, Baekhyun would notice too. He would see the faults in you.

“Stop thinking, you brat,” you warned yourself. “Stop it! Don't think! Just don't!”

And the worst?! You couldn't even touch your bump in that moment, you were that disgusted. It was all fault of the babies; they were making you like this, creating problems where there weren't any!

Before you could wallow even more, your phone rang. Scrambling quickly to get it in hopes to see Baekhyun's photo as your caller ID, you were surprised to see your mother's name dancing on the screen. That could only mean some bad news as you rarely talked. The last time you talked was nearly a month ago when she was checking up on you and your pregnancy and making sure Baekhyun was there for you.

Ignoring the way your hands were shaking, you answered the phone, feeling a bit of adrenaline rush in your blood causing slight dizziness. It'd been a while you felt lightheaded like this.

“Mum?”

“Hi, daughter,” she gasped, her voice gentle as always. “How are you? It's been a month almost, thought I'd check up on you.”

And there it all went. You started to wail at that question right away, unable to bear your mother's gentle voice. You didn't even realize how much you missed having a mother figure in this period of life, when she could give you advice, guidance and especially deep understanding.

“Are you crying?” she quipped, surprised at the sniffles that would soon follow with stifled sobs. “Oh, my, why are you crying? Is it the hormones?”

Well, was it the hormones? you asked yourself, but you were so incredibly clueless and so incredibly frustrated because of everything that you couldn't get a proper reply. “Ye-yes,” you hiccuped as hot tears streamed down your face. It was that type of crying where you just couldn't stop, the hysterical sobs needing to be let out, tears seeming to have an infinite storage somewhere inside of you.

Your mother sighed, but you imagined her affectionate gaze. “I understand. Although I don't know to what extent is having three babies burdening, any pregnancy is extremely difficult on your body, honey. Just let it all out and don't dwell too much on what is the reason. You don't need it now, so just let it out.”

At that you had to hide your face in the pillow and let out a little wail, because her words were warming you up so much, yet she was far away from you. Oh, dear, she had no clue what a rollercoaster of a ride you had put yourself and your boyfriend through, so you basically had every reason to have these feelings. She didn't even know you had been sacked. That was the reason you were crying, right?

“Is Baekhyun there?” your mother kept on going when she knew you wouldn't give her a coherent answer.

You hiccuped again, trying to make your mouth move. “N-no. Wo-worki-ing.”

“It's almost late evening, though,” she muttered to herself.

It was just 6pm, but the elders always had the specialty of saying “it's late in the night” when it was barely 8pm. You tried to smile at her antics, but it was painful. Because your boyfriend wasn't home. He was at that stupid training of his with stupid women that had to take the stupid hapkido class.

“What did you have for lunch-”

“I got sacked today,” you blurted suddenly and sniffed back big time, not even listening to her words.

“What do you mean you got sacked today?”

“Just exactly what I said. I am jobless.”

“How did you get sacked? You were promoted not long ago.”

You let out a loud breath, your lungs aching from all the crying. It just made more tears well up in your eyes again. “I had an idiot of a boss.” You should have definitely said it was all your fault, but currently you were feeling like the biggest loser in the world. “So it was better like this anyway. I can't even do much, soon I will be huge and… useless.”

Your mother tsked disapprovingly as you heard some shuffling in the background. “What is this silly talk, daughter. What did Baekhyun say?”

You gritted your teeth. “Why do you always ask about him?! He was happy I got sacked, okay?”

“Alright, alright,  no need to shout at your mother.”

“But I don't want to talk about Baekhyun right now, so stop asking me!”

“Oh, I understand now,” she replied back nonchalantly, and some creaking noise provided just the perfect background. “As long as you think you can manage…”

“Yes, I can manage.”

“You and Baekh-”

“Don't.”

She sighed and you heard fire. She was probably warming up dinner in the kitchen. “Did he do something?”

You opened your mouth to retort but were stopped, because YES was your personal answer but NO was the fact. You wiped your tears quickly. “No. I mean... “ you trailed off and rolled yourself on your back, staring at the ceiling. “No.”

“Well then why are you so sensitive? I am trying to see what is wrong and you clearly have an issue with him. You can tell me honestly. Or don't.”

Just then you heard the code being typed in the entrance door, sign of Baekhyun arriving. You groaned loudly and stood up quickly to close the bedroom door before he could get in and have an easy access to bedroom but it was a wrong idea. Seeing black spots everywhere, you felt like your entire body just gained another 40 kilograms as an invisible weight pulled down on your shoulders making you stumble back into the mattress, the world spinning with along with you rather fast.

“I'll call you back,” you murmured softly into the phone and threw it away into the blanket somewhere, trying to make your head calm down.

Baekhyun called out your name, announcing his arrival but you felt like throwing up. You groaned as quietly as possible, scrunching up your face in hopes of stopping this terrible attack. Cold sweat made its way down your neck and you shivered as you felt a huge bulge in your stomach. But you were so extremely disoriented you could barely open your eyes let alone make it to the bathroom in time.

“Baekhyun,” you called out, “please bring me the bucket from the-” gulp, gulp, gulp.

Baekhyun walked into the bedroom but when he saw you his eyes went wide. “What is wrong? Hey, hey, what's- shit,” he cursed when he heard the familiar noise, and ran to the bathroom to get the little pink bucket as you gagged, trying to get on your fours, looking extremely shaken up. Tears were streaming down your face, your knees and arms trembling violently before you saw two feet clad in white socks and then bucket pushed into your face as Baekhyun reached for you with his other hand to keep your balance up. “Shh, c'mon, let it out. Don't keep it back,” he murmured urgently and sweeped the hair that was plastered to your forehead and cheeks away, noticing the snot and flushed cheeks. Just then, finally, you let it all out. Your throat was on fire but your head kept pulling you in one direction into which you would have easily fell if it weren't for the safety of Baekhyun's arms. “Shh, you're doing well.”

Although not seeing his face, you knew he was tense and probably wondering what made you this terribly sick when food and spit kept constantly coming out until it became just violent gagging, nothing able to come out anymore, only caused by your head spinning so much it triggered your stomach. Wasn't it just today that you were thankful for not having to go through this again?

You calmed down after another couple of minutes, completely spent. “Baekhyun,” you murmured, afraid to open your eyes. He hummed as he took the bucket to the side, and looked at you closely as he brought his other hand to your pale face, wiping the tears away. “I'm very dizzy.”

“Look at me, baby,” he murmured, frowning a little and wanting to check the focus in your eyes.

You shook your head ever so gently before your lower lip trembled. “I can't… please,” you said just as you were about to crash on him again, the invisible pull still there.

“Okay. Lay down for me, can you do that?” he asked gently. “I will help you move now, don't get startled.” And he did so, pushing on your shoulders a bit, helping you lie down. He took all the pillows on the bed and put your head under them, by then knowing very well what to do when you got into this kind of situation. “Keep your head up for me, and your knees too,” he whispered and patted your straightened-out legs. You did as he said and heard him move around the room before he came back with the little machine, pushing your arm through the hole to measure your blood pressure.

“Don't cry, sweetheart,” you heard him whisper as he tried to catch every single teardrop while the machine was working. He looked around for a glass of water which, of course, you didn't have.

“I feel like hell,” you said, your voice raw.

Baekhyun was thankful your eyes were closed, for he didn't want you to witness how worried and scared he was. Yes, you did get dizzy and many times sick, but to this extent? Never. He was already thinking three steps ahead, fishing his phone out of his pocket.

Beeping sound brought you back to the reality and Baekhyun checked, murmuring the results out loud, his frown now deep. “We are going to the hospital,” he decided.

“No!” you shouted, opening your eyes to look at him but you almost saw three Baekhyuns. Usually, you wouldn't mind but it made you want to throw up again. You were fast to close them, scrunching your face. “Please,” you sobbed, scared. “Make it stop! But don't call anyone!”

Baekhyun was already calling ambulance, leaving the room in case you would have a tantrum. He knew your blood pressure was skyrocketing and it made him worried sick; he didn't know what to do. Plus, he was told by your doctor that if your blood pressure reaches a certain level, you were eligible to call for ambulance.

As much as he hated you crying and going through this, he was there with you, every single step at a time.

-

“She will be alright,” said the doctor that was in the emergency room, checking your vitals on his clipboard. “She needs to rest for now, but,” he shook his head gently and looked up at Baekhyun whose eyes were bulging in fear of what was to come. “Her blood pressure was too high. It isn't good for the patient, neither it is good for the pregnancy.”

“What does that mean?”

He shrugged. “Well, it is very likely that she will have to endure this until she gives birth. Triplet pregnancy is a bit different than the usual ones. Since premature birth is highly possible to happen, which also may affect the health of the children,  her not monitoring stress levels or taking good care of her body may also influence the health of the kids.” He sighed. “She is bearing a lot right now, so there are high risks of her fainting if this continues. As you told me, she had been struggling with high blood pressure this whole time, correct?”

Baekhyun nodded quickly.

“Well, she is in the fifteenth week which means almost half-way through till due date… It should have subsided by now but we can't do anything to change it; only give medication, unfortunately. Multiples' pregnancy is full of surprises.”

Baekhyun felt so helpless in that moment. Why did he get the feeling the doctor was clueless in a way too?

“Will she survive?” he asked seriously.

The doctor smiled gently. “She is completely healthy, so there is no risk of her losing her life, but this was definitely a dangerous situation. She shouldn't be left alone for too long as this occurs unexpectedly. It is rare anyway to have such strong reaction to high blood pressure, but this is what it takes to live for three more lives, I suppose.”

Oh, how Baekhyun wished he could take at least half of the burden you were bearing.

The doctor patted him twice on the shoulder before leaving. He looked at you, your sleeping figure so peaceful compared to couple of hours ago when you looked white as death and just about to pass out. 

Sighing, he reached for your hand, gently squeezing it before murmuring a soft I love you. You were going through all of this because of him. He made you pregnant and now here you were, fighting for four lives: the unborn babies and your own.

His phone vibrating was what interrupted his train of thoughts. Quickly searching for it in his winter jacket, he saw your mother's name flashing on the screen, bad feeling already eating him away. Should he tell her where you were now? He would only make her worried.

“Hello, mother,” he answered, trying to make his voice as normal and even as possible while stroking your knuckles with is thumb.

“Oh, thank God you picked up, Baekhyun! I've been contacting my daughter for the past hour and she wouldn't answer. Are you with her now?”

Gulping, he said: “Yes. She is, uh, sleeping now.”

“Silly girl. I called her earlier today to check up on her and caught her in a bad state of mind,” she explained, her voice sounding exasperated. “She kept crying but wouldn't tell me why. This is none of my business, my dear, but did you two have a fight?”

Surprised was an understatement to Baekhyun. First of all, you didn't necessarily fight, it was your weird mood that created negative tension between you two but it was certainly not a fight; second of all he had no clue you were having such a mood prior to his arrival although he did see your swollen face and eyes. “No, we didn't have a fight. She has been acting strangely today, that is true. She lost her job and maybe the hormones and all…” he trailed off, trying to justify your actions though he himself wasn't sure.

“Yes, she told me she lost her job, but to me it didn't seem like that was her main issue. Let me be honest with you, Baekhyun,” she said and Baekhyun didn't have a good feeling about what was to come. “She didn't even want to hear your name. I don't know what exactly happened between you two, but it would be healthy if you both talk. You know she cannot get this upset while being pregnant. She was choking on her own sobs.”

Baekhyun closed his eyes and left your hand so he could pinch the bridge of his nose. Just what the hell was up with you? “She came to visit me at the university today, but she had such a change of mood, mother. I was shocked myself and I try to understand, I really do but it has been difficult recently.” Let alone she was lying to me, he thought but kept quiet.

Your mother sighed again; she trusted Baekhyun and wasn't doubtful about him at all. She also knew what pregnancy mood swings meant, so she was not blaming entirely you just as she knew Baekhyun could have been falsely accused. She knew him ever since he was a baby after all. “I understand, sweetie, and I am not blaming you at all. I will let you rest. I know you also don't have it easy, dear,” she added, affection lacing her voice, “so please I just ask you to have some patience with her for now. She can be a handful.”

“I do, mother, you know I do,” replied Baekhyun right away, looking at your sleeping face. “I can't get mad at her even if I want to.”

At that she laughed. “My sweet boy. I hope I can call you my son-in-law very soon.”

“Actually yes. Sooner than later.”

-

You found yourself seated on the wooden bench, a book about multiples' pregnancy perched on your thighs while you tried hard not to stare at your boyfriend clad in his hapkido uniform.

He was currently leading his class with Jiyoung, the girl because of whom it all went downwards. Bitterly, you stopped yourself from blaming it on someone like her. It wasn't her fault. Why, you ask? Because…

Few days ago

“Can you explain to me what happened on Monday?” murmured Baekhyun as you were both lying in bed, the dimmed light on his side still on, as he just finished going through his notes from the previous lectures. It made you resent yourself even more knowing how much he had on his plate, yet you couldn't even control your emotions as soon as he stood next to a pretty lady or he looked at you weirdly.

You sighed, rubbing your temple as you were lying on your back. Baekhyun turned his head to look at you, pausing, contemplating. Then, he slowly changed positions, lying on his right side, his hand slowly dragging on the surface of the mattress, reaching your hip and sliding it up over your belly that was sticking out, giving it gentle rubs as he waited patiently for you to talk.

“I won't get mad,” he had the need to add which made you scoff, and him chuckle.

“It's so fucking stupid, Baekhyun, and don't say I can't swear while being pregnant.”

He frowned gently. “Well, it obviously made you upset,” he argued, “so it cannot be fucking stupid.”

He saw you gritting your teeth, and he slid his gaze over your profile, how the light was illuminating the part of your face to which he was turned to. He honestly thought you looked breathtaking and would have kissed you whole night if it weren't for the confusion he was currently feeling. In that moment, he wanted answers more than anything.

“What is Jiyoung-” you trailed off and Baekhyun raised an eyebrow, “to you? To your class? To… hapkido?” Asking, instead of answering him. Great. Although, you weren't expecting silence that followed. You imagined him chuckling at your ridiculousness but he didn't. He didn't and it almost made you lose yourself once again, but he spoke: “She is a master like me,” he spoke softly, and you focused on his warm hand sliding over your belly. You turned your head a little to catch his gaze that was already burning holes on your face. “I didn't tell you until I was sure, which I became on Monday, but then things happened…”

“Sure about what?”

“I am leading the hapkido universiade team with her, but I am the main master,” he revealed, his face still in a gentle frown. “She was assigned to do it together with me, so that is why she was there during practice, too. And she will be from now on until July.”

“But is she like a teacher at Sungkyunkwan or something?”

He shook his head. “She is from Kyunghee university where she is the head of department. There was a  joint alliance with them for the hapkido team and also, if we win this, I might have a chance to work with the National team later on,” he explained patiently, not tearing his gaze away from yours.

So many things you were founding out, so many good news. That meant Jiyoung was older than Baekhyun! That was definitely good news! And you ruined it all on Monday and you completely misunderstood the entire situation.

“Baekhyun,” you whispered, closing your eyes. Humming in response, he now caressed your cheek, his thumb making slow circles. “I'm so sorry. For being the way I was. What you just said,” you stuttered, opening your eyes, urgency in them, “is all amazing news and I couldn't be any more proud of you.”

“Shh, it's okay, princess,” he whispered, scooting closer to your side.

“No,” you shook your head, “I thought… I was… jealous, so jealous. I shouldn't have let the emotions control me like that. I shouldn't have just left you like that. I apologise,” you said sincerely, staring into his eyes that were now casted in shadow as he was with his back towards the light. Yet, the burning behind his eyes could hardly go unnoticed by you.

“You are so mean when you are jealous,” he blurted, intending to make you chuckle which he succeeded in, but then it disappeared just as quickly and you nudged his cheek with your nose to get more out from him. He sighed, eventually. “You know you can trust me, right? You know I would never want to lose your trust despite you lying to me.”

At that, you whimpered, pouting and widening your eyes at him, still terribly ashamed for what you had done.

“It's okay, I am not holding grudges,” he insisted, “but you know I can't stand you not trusting me, hm? I already know I want to spend the rest of my life with you and with our kids,” he murmured and at that he caressed the belly yet again as he buried his face in your neck, sending goosebumps down your spine. “So why do I have a feeling you keep doubting me?”

You stiffened, but his caresses didn't cease, which meant he wasn't upset. You raised your hand, playing with his hair as you mumbled: “No, I don't doubt you at all. It's the hormones. It's the babies. You know that before getting pregnant we were just fine.”

“I know,” he whispered, his hot breath fanning the skin on your pulse point, “it is always the babies fault, right?”

“Please.”

“Please, what?” he asked, curious as he pulled back to look at your face.

“Just… I apologise, Baekhyun.”

His eyes searched your gaze. “And I forgive you. But you need to promise me you won't get so worked up over nothing in the future.”

“I won't.”

“By nothing I mean anything. If it isn't a life or death situation, I don't want you to pay it too much attention.”

You watched his mouth move as he spoke, going on about what the doctor said, what the books said about triplet pregnancy, what he thought would be the best for you. And you tried to listen, you really did, but you were head over heels for him; he was mesmerizing and he understood your crazy whirlwind of emotions, and you loved him. So much.

“Are you listening?” he asked, snapping his fingers two times in front of your face. “Young lady, you keep zoning out on me.”

You smiled at his playful manner and he reciprocated the gorgeous grin as he leaned in closer. “I am listening, I am. I just realised once again how much I love you, Baekhyun.”

His grin turned into an affectionate, lopsided smile and he eyed your lips before flicking his orbs back to yours, murmuring your name. “And I love you. Do you understand? I love you. Only you. Can you actually understand?”

“No,” you whispered, dreamy look on your face as you were bewitched by him. He shook his head, and reached for your face, brushing the baby hair out of your forehead. “It's difficult to get it through my thick head that someone like you loves someone like me.”

“How would I make you understand then?”

“Show me. I want you to kiss me, it's been too long.”

He leaned in more, his eyes constantly flicking between your lips and your eyes as he muttered with narrowed eyes: “You're horny again, aren't you?”

You let out a breathy laugh as you sneaked your hands around his neck, bringing him closer. “For you? Always.”

He chuckled just as he kissed you, smiling widely into your mouth before playing with your lower lip, going straight for a gentle bite that he knew would ignite the fire in you.

“Are we doing another make-up sex?” he murmured between kisses, slowly climbing over you and you gladly widened your legs for him.

“Uh-uh, you're making love to me because you need to show me you love me.”

He kissed your neck, laughing quietly. “You're shameless.”

“So are you. Now, do your magic, honey.”

And now here you were, as per his order, watching him. As you would be every week whenever he wasn't home. If he could have, he would have dragged you to all his lectures as well, but you managed to talk him out of it. Honestly, you didn't mind this at all, as you really enjoyed observing him teaching hapkido and doing all the cool moves he was so smooth at doing. It was true you would get tired and wooden bench was only so comfortable for you to sit through couple of hours.

During the break, Baekhyun jogged to you with an energetic smile and leaned in to give you a quick peck. “You good over here?” he asked as his team erupted in big laughters, everyone enjoying their break time.

You beamed up at your boyfriend. “Yes, all fine.”

He smiled even wider at that, ruffling your hair as he looked down on the book in your lap. “Is it any good?”

“Well, for sure although I'm learning some disturbing stuff,” you muttered, worry flashing through your eyes that made Baekhyun raise his eyebrows.

“We will finish in 50 minutes and then you can tell me all about it, how is that?” he asked gently, and grabbed your cheeks to observe you closer.

You giggled and he seemed satisfied. “Alright, let's do that.”

He was just leaning in for another kiss when someone cleared their throat muttering a little excuse me, making Baekhyun move away from you. “Jiyoung.”

“Sorry to disturb, but I think it would be better if we stay longer today. For practice, I mean,” she said, her eyes wandering over to you and a bit lower, obviously looking at the baby bump. She snapped her eyes back at Baekhyun's questioning face. “It's better if we start going through basic kicks now, just so the kids can remember each technique correctly and from then build on it.”

You watched Baekhyun's back, but he was relaxed. “The kids are black belts, 4-5 dans in at least, though,” he replied diplomatically, “I don't see the point in going through basic kicks. Techniques should come to them as second nature by now.”

“I still think we should start having longer practices,” she insisted. “So your girlfriend might be a bit uncomfortable sitting here for such a long time.”

Wow, you thought, she was actually dragging you into this somehow. Interesting.

“I don't mind,” you heard yourself say before you could think twice. “So do whatever you deem correct.”

“Not today, no,” Baekhyun decided. “After December we will be good with longer practices if necessary,” he emphasized. “If we don't slack off, we can manage just fine.”

She gave a confident smile. “Alright then. I suppose you won't mind if we start the class now.”

What a bitch, you thought again.

“I won't mind. You may start,” was Baekhyun's curt nod and he turned around to face you, his actions heating your cheeks up as he crouched in front of you and took your hands in his before bringing them up to his lips.

“Alright, master.” And she was gone.

“What are you doing?” you whisper-shouted, but the excited glint in your eyes told Baekhyun you loved what he just pulled.

“Prioritizing you.”

You smiled graciously, and leaned in, pecking his lips.

-

Couple of weeks went by, you following Baekhyun to his practice, while you were found your way back to knitting that you so diligently used to do when you were younger, your mum teaching you as a little girl. Trying hard not to sound annoyed or desperate for any activity, you made sure you were always smiling and at peace in your mind. You promised your boyfriend you would look after yourself and that was what you had been trying to do. You even managed to sell some of the scarfs and gloves you knitted, given it was now nearing the end of December.

You smiled up at Baekhyun who dismissed the class, not waiting until Jiyoung and the students leave. “Ready to go?”

“Yes,” he replied, some perspiration on his forehead glistening in the practice room. “Can't wait to have a rest.”

You stood up to your feet slowly, minding your blood pressure, and reached for a handkerchief before grabbing his hand so he wouldn't move away. “Let me,” you murmured as you reached up and tapped the textile gently along his hairline.

His eyes focused down on you, affection and love melting his features into the softest smile. “Thank you.”

“We don't want daddy to catch a cold, right?” you chirped enthusiastically.

Baekhyun quirked an eyebrow at you, never hearing the nickname leave your mouth before. You would always get extremely embarrassed when he called you mummy, so this was a new discovery. “Yeah, otherwise how would daddy protect mummy, hm?”

Just as expected, you grew red in your face and quickly looked around, making sure no one was too near to overhear.

“What? You started,” he laughed quietly before leaning in to kiss your cheek, leaving it with a loud smooch and moisture on your skin. “Mummy.”

Your eyes widened and you laughed along with him before he moved to pack up his stuff. All the students who were now leaving farewelled cheerfully, always enjoying how flustered you would get from the attention, because master Baekhyun's girlfriend is so cute! and of course, he would encourage them, showing you off, which always warmed your heart.

“Not tired?”

You turned to the right to see Jiyoung approaching, a glass bottle in her hand as her high ponytail swung with each step she made. “I'm okay, thank you. Aren't you tired?”

“Nope,” she said, the p sound bopping like a bubble. “Master Baekhyun has been a bit slacking off with the workouts, eh?” she chuckled, nudging Baekhyun who was putting on his jacket with her elbow.

“Well, I can always make it especially hard for you, Jiyoung,” was his confident reply.

Oh my god, he was so hot you actually had to cross your legs while standing.

She smirked. “I would love to finally find out what does this especially hard mean, master.”

Well, you definitely didn't find her confidence hot. If anything, you wanted to warn her not to challenge Baekhyun too much.

“Alright, especially hard it is then,” he concluded just as he zipped up his jacket and took his gym bag, slugging it over his shoulder.

Jiyoung's eyes sparked with excitement, you could see that. It was always there, actually. Coming to the practices with him for two weeks, you kind of learnt to read her. She was a professional, you knew that much. She wasn't openly hitting on your boyfriend, no. It was in these subtle talks that irked you because you couldn't do anything about them, just tolerate and trust Baekhyun. Which, he really not once made you doubt - his trust. He would always prove you his love to you, and you to him. It was so obvious. He only had eyes for you.

Even now, as he stood in front of you, touching your hip gently and sliding his hand to your lower back to lead you out and saying his bye to the disappointed face of his hapkido partner, you knew it.

“Baekhyun,” you said once outside on the half-dead campus as you were making your way to the bus stop, the dark sky not showing any clouds which only meant another freezing night.

“Yes, angel.” He intertwined your fingers and pushed the connected hands into his pocket.

“I was thinking… What if I just went home?”

He stopped walking, looking at you a bit taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“I feel a bit useless, you know. But also quite tired from all of this,” you said showing your belly that was sticking out. “So I thought I would visit home.”

“But we have regular check ups at the clinic,” he replied, his eyes wandering over your features. His nose was growing a bit red which you found adorable, which is why you stood on your tippy toes and gave him a little peck on it.

“I know… but if I would miss one appoint-”

“No.”

“Baek-”

“You are not missing an appointment, baby,” he said, this time more sternly as he looked down at you, his hair that was trapped under a red beanie made his soft hair fall into his eyes.

You pressed your lips together, understanding his choice. “So, I would go only for two weeks.”

Something flashed across his eyes, something that you couldn't decipher. “What about me?”

Yes, what about Baekhyun? “You have lots on your plate right now,” you reasoned, squeezing his hand that was trapped in his pocket. “You could study better, and focus more on the practices. And, you could totally go and have a good time with your friends, or even invite them over, hm?”

“You actually think I would let you travel alone? With your blood pressure?”

“C'mon, by KTX it takes an hour and a half and then taxi just twenty minutes out of town.”

You felt like you were contradicting yourself. You, the one who was always trying to save up money was willing to pay a lot just to travel. KTX tickets were already very expensive. Taxis as well. But there was very little public transportation going to your village and you didn't feel like taking it with your big belly.

Baekhyun didn't say anything for a while, just staring at you. “Why this sudden- need?” is what he asked eventually.

“You know I miss mum,” you mumbled, averting your gaze. 

“I know it's difficult,” he sighed, the action condensing his breath. “But I can't let you go by yourself, no way. Besides,” he added eagerly, “it's Korean new year soon. Can't you wait just a little longer? We both will be going home for that, you know that.”

He was right. It was literally around the corner.

“It's just in two weeks time, hm?” he asked, quirking his eyebrows at you, pleading to say yes. When he saw you contemplating, he mumbled: “I am not letting you go alone, anyway, so you better agree.”

You huffed in disbelief and dragged him towards the bus stop. “Let's go home. I will think about it.”

“Tomorrow we have a double-date with Chen's, did you forget that too?” he said as he let you drag him after you.

“No, I didn't. I would have gone the day after.”

“Well, you wouldn't leave me alone for such a long time, right?”

That made you stop and turn to him just to witness the puppy eyes and a prominent pout that made you smile softly at him as you walked even closer, resting your forehead on his jacket-clad chest. “I hate even the idea of not being with you for two weeks, Baekhyun.”

“Exactly. So just wait until we can go together, hm? Please? I don't want you to go. I can't even sleep without you anymore.”

You chuckled and leaned back, catching his small smile. “Alright. I think.”

He whined your name before he grabbed you by your waist with his free hand and brought your hips closer as he hovered a bit over you. “Alright, I won't go is what you wanted to say,” he muttered before kissing you hungrily. It was such a contrast; outside, the air was freezing, but your hot mouths pressed together, his body glued to yours as he breathed in loudly before tilting his head, asking for access with his eager tongue was hot, burning up. You moaned quietly, just for him to hear and he growled in response, a satisfactory hum leaving his throat while he circled your tongue, sucking on it, making you gasp because you were in public. He kissed you, and kissed you until you were completely breathless, until you were fully convinced that he didn't want you anywhere far from him. Even if it meant he could focus more on his practice, studies and whatever else you just listed. Even if it meant a short time.

He didn't want you away. And that was final.

[ginervacade]

HERE IT IS!!!! The Criminal Minds Fic is happening. IT’S HAPPENING NOW! THIS  IS IT!  CHAPTER 1!

Ok, I don’t have a title yet, ( I’d love to hear your suggestions) but here’s chapter 1. WARNING: This fic deals with periods. It also deals with a trans  character. I myself am not trans so I can not guarantee the content in this fic will be accurate to the experiences of real trans people. If and when I get something wrong please let me know so that I can learn and improve on my writing and knowledge. If you want a better fic of similar content, especially in the early chapters of this one, I recommend Klutsy Commonalities on Ao3,I discovered it after I had this fic mostly written and the similarities in chapter one are hilarious and entirely coincidental, I promise,and it’s absolutely adorable and infinitely better than this one This fic is set around Season 5. I’ll be posting chapters periodically for a while. I have 1-11 written and but I’m struggling with 12 so it may take awhile, if I haven’t stopped because no one has read it lol. 

CHAPTER 1 

     It was a beautiful August morning, the sun seeped through the blinds as the birds chirped happily outside the window of one Dr. Spencer Reid. He woke up with his alarm, rolling over and shutting it off. He sat up and stretched contentedly, today would be a good day. That feeling lasted approximately 7 seconds. 

    Upon waking up fully, he immediately knew something was wrong. Tossing back his blankets and swinging his feet over the edge of his bed, he stood up and examined the scene before him. He groaned as he noticed the deep red stain on his bed sheets.Yes, his period had arrived. Not today, he thought, wishing it would maybe listen and just disappear. No such luck. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes. Dragging his hand dismissively across his eyes, he fought off further tears, annoyed that he would get emotional over something so small, stupid hormones. He got ready for the day, showering and dressing rather quickly.  He pulled a hair tie onto his wrist, tossing another, along with a few pads into his messenger bag. He noticed the beginnings of cramps as he pulled on socks, one purple the other green. He took a couple of painkillers, in hopes of stopping the cramps before they got too bad. He stripped the sheets off of his bed,tossing them into the laundry basket as he resigned himself to deal with them when he got home. After lacing up his converse he grabbed his bag and left the house without bothering to make a cup of coffee. 

 He arrived at work, a bit later than he normally would have liked,traffic had been heavy this morning on top of everything else. He walked to his desk without looking up or speaking to anyone. The issue with watching his feet was that he wasn’t watching in front of him. He tripped and nearly fell, Derek stuck his hand out to catch him but he managed to right himself in time for it not to be necessary. Mumbling an apology, he didn’t meet the older agent’s gaze, settling quickly into his desk, without another word. Derek chuckled as he walked back to his own desk.

“ You strugglin’ this mornin’ pretty boy?” 

“I’m fine” replied Spencer, slightly more quickly than he should have, sounding blatantly defensive. Another voice caught his attention, changing his tune almost instantly. 

“ You sure love?” Gracie asked, concern evident in her melodic voice,an English accent cutting across her natural almost southern one, a habit Spencer knew was caused by strong emotion in her. 

“Yeah, I’m good” he assured her, voice calm to show her he meant it.

“ Ok then!” She smiled, contently at him, but not before shooting a look to JJ that he didn’t catch. “By the way, I brought you some breakfast”

He perked up, as she set a cup of coffee and a chocolate sprinkled doughnut, his favorite, in front of him. “Thank you.” he took a sip of the coffee, pleasure evident on his face. It was perfect, temperature and everything,she knew exactly how he liked it. 

“But why?”  He was still not used to the way she always did sweet things for the team without ulterior motives, even after 2 years.

“ Because I could.  I was stopping for tea anyway. I’m in a good mood, figured I’d share it with someone I love.” She replied as though it were obvious, standing behind his chair, arms around his shoulders. She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek, as she always did before turning and walking the 5 feet back to her desk.  He had learned to like her little touches. It had been apparent to the team early on that she was tactile and though Spencer had been annoyed by it at first, she noticed and reacted accordingly but she had looked sad, he had eventually grown to enjoy it. He watched, taking in her beauty as she got to work, softly humming a musical theatre tune. The light blue fabric of her outfit, always a dress with matching hair bow and shoes, lay perfectly against her pale skin, a perfect contrast with her deep black hair and soft pink lips. Of course, he was just being observant right? Of course, he was a profiler that’s all it was. 

Chapter 2 Coming soon!!! Hope y’all enjoyed it!

[amerasdreams]

I have been listening to True Spies podcast on Spotify. It’s apparently connected to a thing called Spyscape, which has a museum/experience thing in New York. They also have an online test for your personality and intelligence.... well those intelligence tests all of course have to do with math. and they are TIMED. somehow I got thru guessing most of them.... didn’t score 0 but didn’t score great. 

so guess what I scored on intelligence!  and personality scores mean I’m more prone to health problems and being unhappy.... :( 

(here I woke up thinking I can be uniquely me, I don’t want to be like anyone else anyway, I can embrace that... but how can I when what I am is this pathetic)

I shouldn’t have done this, I know what these tests do, make me discouraged and hate myself more. they even said I’m not imaginative and creative-- things I value most besides intelligence (and intuition/empathy...) 

they did say the “spy role” I was most suited for, which is what I’m most interested in, intelligence analyst. But in the more “practical” side, for jobs, it mentioned medical things, technical things, which I wouldn’t be good at and don’t like, business marketing-- working for a business I don’t care about, a job with no meaning....  it even had mathematician! when I’m obviously not good at math. the only jobs I might be interested in are psychologist/criminologist... idk.... to late for me to get any career anyway, let alone somehow what I really want

they did a risk assessment, where you blow up the balloon before it pops to get “money” - yesterday I started it and panicked when the balloon popped the first time and closed the window. then when I was walking the dogs it occured to me it was a test lol and I would just have to keep risking popping the balloon... so today I saw it as more of a game and not the ‘scary balloon popping oh no I lost money!” -not even real money. idk about fun.... all these things were stressful esp the intelligence test. 

today I started the test, thinking it might help me, get insight into what I can do, instead, it discouraged me, I’m what I thought, mediocre and not suited for much, they only gave a “role” to me because they had to give me something. It said the intelligence analyst is inquisitive--when it just said I wasn’t -  idk how this even fits with the test bc analytical? that wasn’t one of the dimensions and doesn’t seem like I scored high on implied analytical powers, same with determined-- 

how can i live with myself being like this, having no role and no future according to any dimension that really counts. don’t want to be plodding away at menial tasks when I want to do something Imaginative, Creative, Intellectual-- ha can’t even do that

oh I’m proving them right, easily stressed and sensitive and reactive -- 

I’m not including the risk assessment bc I don’t think it’s accurate-- I’m really very risk averse in all cases... oh we know that already so. 

~

results (bold/parentheses is mine)

MENTAL HORSEPOWER

Unlike Alan Turing would, you scored moderately low {yay!:(} on this attribute. The result, driven by your performance in the personality tests, suggests that, on the whole, you struggle with complex mathematical and analytical problems. {so how can I be an analyst?} That said, you can usually spot patterns and find links in data – as long as the information you have been given isn’t too abstract. (I like big picture things.... abstract things... apparently I’m not good at it)

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Like other people with a moderately low Mental Horsepower score, you are more likely to ‘go with your gut’ when making decisions rather than to apply logic and reason (that’s true.... logic is mystifying. fits with being INFP-- logic is my weakest point). It is unlikely that you will sit down and win a game of chess, and you probably rely on your satnav rather than read a map yourself. (yep.... chess is too much strategy... I can’t see ahead like that .. hm how could I be an analyst)

IN YOUR WORK

Because you are not a very conceptual thinker, you are better in roles where you can do things ‘automatically’ rather than applying any abstract reasoning skills. You are not bad at visual-spatial or mathematical tests though, and with training and practice, your skills will definitely improve.

THE SCIENCE

Mental Horsepower relates to our general cognitive ability and our capacity to think about, reason with, and understand abstract concepts. It particularly links to analytical and mathematical skills, but also covers memory, comprehension, language, learning capacity and judgement. These are hugely significant skills for success at work and in everyday life.

Psychologists have developed all kinds of tests to measure cognitive ability. Some of these involve predicting outcomes from patterns in data (also known as inductive reasoning), while others focus on mentally flipping and rotating images. We use both of these approaches in our Mental Horsepower tests at SPYSCAPE.

Recent neuroimaging research shows that intelligence is linked to brain patterns, and that these patterns are unique to each of us (meaning you can’t change them :(  )– much like our fingerprints. In one study, these brain ‘fingerprints’ were used to successfully predict people’s scores in IQ tests.

While IQ tests are probably the most common method for determining cognitive ability, there is some debate over whether they provide a complete picture. For example, theories suggest that there are many different types of intelligence which are not accounted for in these tests. Still, it is generally accepted that people who score highly on tests of cognitive ability are on the whole better at completing intelligence-related (so that career’s out... if it was ever in lol) tasks in the real world.

~

COMPOSURE

Unlike Jason Bourne, you scored extremely low (low on everything! what a wonderful person!) on this attribute. The result, driven by your performance in the personality tests, suggests that you are far more vulnerable to stressors than most people (I knew that). You are likely to have a very strong emotional reaction to negative events and your brain becomes highly active when you see something you perceive as unpleasant (like this test!). Although this means you find it hard to relax, it also means you are really tuned in to your surroundings ( and what’s the upside of that? nice consolation prize....)

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Like other people with extremely low levels of composure, you are highly likely to experience anxiety and burnout. (with things that aren’t really stressful to anyone else. just stepping outside. just being inside-- doing thigns like this.. doing most things actually-- help how can i live) You can be far too critical of yourself (well how do i stop? if this is how I am like), especially when you are stressed (which is almost all the time), and this can make it tricky for you to overcome problems (which is never, which is why I’m still living w my parents). You also dwell on the past far more than people with high composure.

On the positive side, you are responsive to your environment, which means you are more likely to anticipate negative outcomes and find ways to avoid them (like almost everything). You are also sensitive and caring, and your observant nature means you look out for yourself and the people close to you. (what’s the point of that when you can’t do anything, or get to know new people)

IN YOUR WORK

It is unlikely your colleagues will turn to you when there is an emergency or crisis at work. This is because you struggle to keep your emotions in check, and challenging situations can get the better of you. When this happens, you are not great at maintaining focus or making tough decisions.

THE SCIENCE

Composure relates to how our brains respond to stress. In tense situations, your brain activates an area called the hypothalamus, which releases adrenalin and cortisol – also known as stress hormones.

A bit of stress now and then is important for survival, because it alerts us to the dangers around us. Small amounts can be useful, but too much over a long period of time is bad for our health (oh goody). Studies show that the adrenal cortex, the part of the brain that releases stress hormones, is also linked to the healthy function of our immune system – and people who are more prone to stress are also more likely to get sick.

There is also a connection between composure and working (short-term) memory. Composed people perform better on tasks where they need to recall and use relevant information while they’re doing something else – for example remembering the steps of a recipe when cooking a meal.

PEOPLE SCORING HIGH IN COMPOSURE ARE

LAID-BACK

RELAXED

COOL

FOCUSED

POISED

PEOPLE SCORING LOW IN COMPOSURE ARE

EMOTIONAL

SENSITIVE

PERCEPTIVE

RESPONSIVE

VIGILANT

~

Contentiousness

Unlike diligent Mission: Impossible hero Isla Faust, you scored moderately low on this attribute. The result, driven by your performance in the personality tests, suggests that unlike Isla, you find it difficult to keep focused on long-term goals {Idk about this. goals are all i focus on.... well. I think about them often but Idk how to create the steps to get there and so things fizzle out and I get-- discouraged what else is new). You get distracted or bored quite quickly and are often drawn to new ideas and projects instead of finishing what you are currently doing (well.... hm. I finish novels...). You understand what is important in life, but you sometimes skip the details. (I’m not a detail person... I can be but they often seem irrelevant)

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Because you prefer not to a follow a schedule, hobbies that require regular training are not for you. In fact, your interests change quite regularly, and you find long-term commitment a challenge whatever the activity. Friends and family know that if they want you to do something, they need to encourage you to get organized. When they press you, however, you do things pretty well.

IN YOUR WORK

You take a relatively flexible approach to work. As such, you get distracted easily and do not always complete the task in hand. Because of your tendency to do this, you are likely to change jobs – and perhaps even career – fairly regularly (I want variety... Idk, this sort of fits, sort of doesn’t).

THE SCIENCE

Conscientiousness shapes how likely you are to follow rules, regulate your own behavior and get yourself organized. The more conscientious you are, the more motivated by goals and tasks you are likely to be.

According to what psychologists call the ‘Big-5’ model, conscientiousness is a core dimension of personality – and one of the five key traits that drive human behavior. Whether you are high or low in conscientiousness can help predict your success in social, academic and professional situations.

If you have high levels of conscientiousness, you are probably more productive and better at adapting to new situations (that’s true, I’m not) that come your way. However, this does not mean that being conscientious is always a good thing, because research also shows that being too conscientious can lead to overthinking. (I do that too...)

Some studies suggest that people who are more conscientious are healthier – and they might even live longer. This might be because conscientious people are more likely to exercise regularly, eat healthily, and avoid smoking or drinking too much alcohol.

It’s hard to say where conscientiousness comes from. One study found a link with areas of the brain relating to attention and cognitive control. There is also evidence to suggest that genes play their part. It’s likely that social factors such as your upbringing influence how conscientious you are, too.

PEOPLE SCORING HIGH IN CONSCIENTIOUSNESS ARE

HIGH-ACHIEVING

ACCOUNTABLE

THOROUGH

DRIVEN

SELF-DISCIPLINED

PEOPLE SCORING LOW IN CONSCIENTIOUSNESS ARE

IMPULSIVE

FLEXIBLE

EASY-GOING

SPONTANEOUS

ADAPTABLE

(I think I’m sort of this, sort of not because I’m borderline INFP -- P is flexible, impulsive while J is more structured-- I’m slightly more Perceiving. goes to show Myers-Briggs is pretty good at describing personality accurately....)

~

INQUISITIVENESS

Unlike Carrie Mathison in Homeland, you scored moderately low on this attribute. Your score was driven by your performance in the personality tests, and it suggests that you are pretty cautious about new ideas, beliefs, cultures and theories.

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Like other people who scored moderately low on this attribute, you are not so willing to take on board other people’s views (that’s true). You will consider what people have to say, but you are likely to stick with your own opinion. You feel more comfortable in familiar situations and surroundings (well, yes...), and you do not really feel the need to explore new places (I kind of do, though... I want to but I often... don’t. because it’s too hard).

IN YOUR WORK

Because you aren’t motivated to learn or acquire new skills (Idk about this... depends on if it’s something I’m interested in. I’m learning like 15 languages on Duolingo...), you are less likely to seek out new opportunities at work. And the longer you stay in a job, the worse your motivation is likely to get. In general, you tend to perform better when you start a new position, although you will carry this out using the same approach you always have, rather than approach it in a new way. You like real-world, practical work that has straightforward solutions.

THE SCIENCE

Inquisitiveness is an important trait for discovering new things and building a better understanding of people and of the world around us. Psychologists have developed tools for assessing and measuring how inquisitive a person is.

These are based on extensive research into personality and are designed to evaluate five facets related to inquisitiveness: (i) intellectual curiosity; (ii) aesthetic sensitivity; (iii) active imagination; (iv) attentiveness to inner feelings and; (v) preference for variety.

Furthermore, personality researchers have identified two types of inquisitiveness; ‘epistemic’, which refers to information seeking ( I think I’m more information seeking?) behaviour and ‘perceptual’, which refers to experience seeking.

PEOPLE SCORING HIGH IN INQUISITIVENESS ARE

CURIOUS

OPEN-MINDED

IMAGINATIVE AND INVENTIVE

CREATIVE

ADAPTIVE

PEOPLE SCORING LOW IN INQUISITIVENESS ARE

PRACTICAL

CONSISTENT

TRADITIONAL

HABITUAL

PRAGMATIC

~

SOCIABILITY

A bit like Alec Leamas in The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, you scored extremely low (yay. well I knew this... and from answering the questions... )on this attribute, which suggests that you prefer to spend time alone and keep yourself to yourself. You avoid parties, meet-ups and other noisy gatherings because you find them overwhelming (wayyyy). If you really have to socialize, you need plenty of quiet time afterwards to help you rest and recharge.

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Like others with an extremely low sociability score, you don’t like being the center of attention and often struggle to start conversations. You think a lot before speaking and regularly find it hard to express your thoughts and ideas. Because of this, you often let others do the talking, and you don’t take part in small talk either. This behavior means you might come across as socially reactive, and people may think you only talk to them when you feel you really have to (as in, extremely negative, and I shouldn’t exist. although... i do talk to them if I have to.... haha I do take part in small talk because I think I have to. or people will think I’m rude. but I don’t like it. I’m sensitive to how I’m perceived and don’t want to be seen as too antisocial, but I talk to others out of fear not of want... yikes. no wonder no one wants to be around me. well I don't want to be around them. well - I want to be around people I know well. for limited amounts of time... need less to recharge from people I know than strangers. I want to be with them, I don’t want to be with strangers-- it’s only stress and not fun at all. but how do i get past the stranger part to the friend part if I don’t like being with strangers and it’s all stressful adn overwhelming? How do i participate in society, have people to talk to, have any sort of success??? - shouldn't exist.).

IN YOUR WORK

Because you are more comfortable working independently (please. HOW???? besides working for myself... haha can’t work for anyone else bc can’t get past the interview, these ^ traits are obvious and not something any employer in their right mind wants), you will be more productive – and much happier – managing your own workload, tackling problems alone, and avoiding company brainstorms and powwows.

THE SCIENCE

How sociable you are can be linked to your levels of happiness, positivity, and wellbeing. In fact, sociability relates to a variety of positive outcomes in life, including how successful you are at work, how well you cope with challenging situations, and even how physically and mentally healthy you are. (yay. I’m doomed. I might as well kill myself now)

People who are highly sociable are more positive emotionally (case in point!) than those who are less sociable. In one brain imaging study, people with a high sociability score had higher levels of brain activity when they saw images of happy faces and other positive emotions.

The same part of the brain that processes emotions also helps interpret information from social contexts, which means we can judge a social situation and then respond appropriately (social situations, like math problems and logic, are mystifying to me. yay the things that are highest linked to success--).

There is some evidence to suggest that highly sociable people might be better at detecting and decoding the meaning of social cues –  including how they analyze and read people’s faces (oh, I know that. I have a hard time judging people’s faces, in fact I often think they are mad at me or judging me by their faces when they probably aren’t. I even have trouble finding out what emotions go with what emoji! besides the basics. i mean why, how are there so many emojis....). This means they are likely to find social interaction easier to deal with than others (lol yes. it’s . not easy. why. do i have to be born like this. always been. hell..).

There is also research to suggest that highly sociable people have more connections between regions of the brain that involve visual stimulus and regions that process social and emotional stimuli. (brains are better, we get it)

Sociability might also be associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is linked to reward-seeking behavior. It is thought that people who are highly sociable may have an enhanced response to dopamine in the brain, which makes them pursue rewards such as attention, status, power or pleasure. This would explain why, when they get these things, they feel happier or more satisfied.

PEOPLE SCORING HIGH IN SOCIABILITY ARE

TALKATIVE

FRIENDLY

ENTHUSIASTIC

ENERGETIC

EXCITABLE

PEOPLE SCORING LOW IN SOCIABILITY ARE

QUIET

RESERVED

INTROSPECTIVE

PRIVATE

SHY

^ ALLL negative attributes, I need to just kill myself now, no future. 

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

You’ve made your bed, now you gotta lie in it.

Moments like these sometimes makes me wonder if it would really affect anyone if I was gone (well, I mean apart from my parents of course)... I fucking hate having such thoughts... Is it just my insecurities, anxiety, hormonal crap, or why do I have this feeling like I’m a backup... 

Ugh, but that’s the fucking thing - everyone has their own lives. No one’s lives revolves around yours, so I need to remind myself of this and stop stressing out when things seem to be slightly different. People might be upset with some other aspect, they might be stressed, they might be tired, they might need a break, and yes, sometimes it’s a break from you. Especially so in this period. So take this fucking time to have a good break too. 

Speaking of, very thankful that the psychiatrist I met with today gave me medical leave for tomorrow, really needed that. So for tomorrow, not gonna touch anything related to work. No emails, no whatsapp, nothing. It’s time to take a proper break to reset myself, to recharge. 

Today definitely wasn’t what I expected it to be. Had thought it would be like a normal counselling session, but I guess it was more of a get-to-know-your-situation. Also, there was a med student there too, which kinda felt a little odd and definitely held back a little on what I wanted to say, but he was nice. Mainly talked about work stress, sleep stuff, and oof, honestly my appetite just got way worse. I just survived today on a cup of tea, a can of coffee, an egg for breakfast, and then dinner. It’s amazing how I didn’t even feel hunger at all, no gastric pains, nothing. Well, there was slight hunger, then the stress kicked in again and that was gone. 

Anyhoo.. we also spoke briefly about family.. didn’t really cover relationships or friends much, the former being one I wanted to talk a bit of, considering everything. But well, either way. Next round, or when I get my session with a psychologist... which I’m honestly contemplating about. Maybe I should just return to the counselling place I went to.. 

But, was reminded about some stuff too - breathing exercises, mindfulness... He had also asked what I had hoped to achieve from this (also why I decided to seek help, why now), which was really to manage my emotions better. I mean I know we can’t always have happiness... But ufgh, the dip from happiness to currently what shit state I’m in right now, I just.. I don’t even know.  I really hope this is just an exhaustion phase plus the hormones acting up, I really can’t bear to let myself slip back into this again. ‘This’ being the darkest moments I consider in my life in 2015, which I also kinda mentioned to them. He asked if it felt worse then or now, and I said it was then.. I did hesitate in responding. I mean, it does feel pretty bad now but I think I’m more well equipped in handling it at least, and better support system overall. 

This is also another reason why I hate having those thoughts I was talking about at the start of this post. Some of my colleagues are being sweet about everything, one asking why I’m still continuing with work despite my appointment (I almost teared up yet again), and my manager encouraging me to take a break and offering to be a listening ear too, and even the other driver offering a ride (which honestly, I don’t think I could even accept considering the “rules” with covid-situation). Was still sweet though. Even the newbie that I mostly speak to about work (we’ve recently started talking a bit more) had asked, she (and I guess the VP) probably heard my choked up crying voice yesterday at the end of the meeting. So yep. 

Ufff, and other friends being concerned and sending their love. Oh, and the one person I hoped who would check in.. well, didn’t really, but we did talk for a bit and that was nice. I do think that my mood is rubbing off, or at least it feels like it is, or we just need to take a little step back. Especially myself, considering I’m getting way too attached again, and catching way too much feelings. 

But I mean... I was the one who made the decision to continue talking to him when he returned. I could have left it. I could have left it be every single time it felt like the convo was dying, but I didn’t want it to end. Despite what everyone said, I trusted my heart and feelings, I trusted him. I’m not saying I regret it, really. I knew who he was, or at least the person he shows to me. Maybe he’s not always all that concerned or caring, maybe he doesn’t really speak that much or initiate a lot at times, but I still somehow fell for him. 

I’ve been actually thinking quite a bit about the moment we first met... Apparently it was either on his birthday or soon after it. That very first time, just a simple “thank you” as he left, that caught my attention. And the very next time, we got to talking a bit. It felt comfortable, it felt great. It caught my interest. He caught my interest. Then time went by... And then I finally got his name (and also his number and a date) so that kinda snowballed pretty fast after very slow progress. I’m not sure where it’s going now, I don’t think I’ve ever known. Sometimes it feels like he might feel somewhat similarly, sometimes no. Some say that ain’t great, but also you shouldn’t compare progress?? So... yeah. 

Oh, but I digress. I was gonna say how even though now isn’t as bad as 2015 was, it’s definitely terrifying that I had missed the symptoms and signs, or maybe I just brushed them off because I was busy and focused with work or life and then I just hit burnout so bad without even realising. 

Am trying my best to divert my mind and emotions today, especially with crying too much over the past week. Didn’t exactly work the way I wanted hah. Still cried quite a bit, but am trying to channel all this negative into positive to people around me. Maybe I’m not strong enough to just be all positive for me, but maybe I could try to make things better for someone else at least. I had told a friend this, and she’s like you shouldn’t do this for others but yourself, which is sweet and I appreciate her sentiment. But sometimes I’m just unable to fake it to pretend that all’s peachy (I mean I’m already trying my best to hide it on the outside, especially at work), so the most I could try is to make things better for someone, anyone. Even despite he didn’t check in, maybe he wanted to give me my space, maybe he didn’t want to probe, or just maybe he doesn’t really give a crap about it/me, I wanted to try. I still wanted to try. 

Gah, but whatever. Enough of thinking, enough of worrying, enough of stressing. For tomorrow, I just gotta take a proper break. Focus on me. And hopefully, oh damn, hopefully, things will start feeling okay again. 

Man, this was much longer than I expected it to be. It’s kinda sad that I write best when I’m upset, but I do enjoy it so much cos I’m finally able to put into words all the thoughts that I’ve got scrambling around in my head. Also just got reminded how the psychiatrist and the med student felt bad for me when I said I didn’t dare to go walking alone anymore after what happened the other time, and I just.. Ufgh, and the way he said it... no one deserves to feel afraid to go walking alone or that should have been your right. I do hope that I’ll overcome this again soon, cos I definitely need it. 

Well, this was a nice release. Time to focus on the positives and be more appreciative of what I have, instead of what I don’t, or feel like I don’t. Gotta do my best to stop this spiral before I really disappear into the darkness forever. 

Ugh, but I gotta say, I’m really proud of taking this step and not postponing the appointment, to still be open about life and all most that I’m dealing with. Yes, I still need to learn when to bite my tongue and actually who are the right people to trust, but I guess sometimes when you’re feeling so overwhelmed... 

But anyhoo.. I’m sure I’ve got this, and I hope things will start looking up from here. And well, I guess time to start job hunting too. 

X

[cookinguptales]

Today, SCOTUS is hearing arguments about whether businesses should have to cover birth control for their employees in their health insurance plans and I just. It’s hard to read.

I was going to make up this big informational persuasive post about the situation. But I’m just. I’m just so sad and angry and tired. So I figured I’d make an emotional one instead.

Let me tell you about my hormonal birth control journey. 

(Rest under a cut for length and content. cw: mental illness, graphic discussion of medical issues, injuries, & menstruation, discussions of suicide & self-harm, discussion of opioids, alcohol, & recreational drug use.)

 I started taking hormonal birth control late in high school to help regulate “painful periods”. It wasn’t for actual birth control at that point and I hadn’t been diagnosed with any disease, not even POTS yet. I just had “painful periods”.

Things were okay for a little while, but when I got to college, things started to fall apart. The double whammy of undiagnosed mental illness and a barely-diagnosed chronic illness (POTS was relatively unknown at the time and my doctors gave me information which I now know is incorrect) really caused me to spiral during my first year of college. I didn’t know it yet, but I react very poorly to some forms of hormonal birth control. Put succinctly, they drive me batshit insane. On one pill, I literally did not leave my apartment for over a month. I became very literally agoraphobic. Bouncing off the walls, irritable, angry, high suicidal ideation. As bad as side effects can be.

But I didn’t know that yet. I just stopped taking BC as part of the whirlwind of medicines and doctors that my life became for about two years while I was on my (first) medical leave from college.

My ribs were coming out back then. I didn’t know that yet, either. I knew that when I was around 16, I started getting severe back pains. The first time it happened, I had to go to the ER because I couldn’t breathe and my teachers thought I was having a heart attack. I got a narcotic shot in my butt. It did nothing to dull the pain. That’s how much it hurt. But it went away on its own eventually and I over the years I started medicating reoccurrences with a lot of different things. Physical therapy. Muscle relaxers. (Medically prescribed) opiates that made me puke. Prescription strength Advil. Wine.

I didn’t see that it was all connected yet. Not yet. I didn’t realize, with my periods as irregular as they were, that the back pains were coming around the same time in my cycle each time.

My “painful periods” got worse. I talked to an OBGYN, with my mother in the room. I told her that I was scared of something like childbirth. I knew that my blood flow was dangerously bad. What if the fetus didn’t get enough blood? Oh, my doctor laughed, that wasn’t a problem. The fetus would always get enough blood. The risk was that I wouldn’t. That it, like the tiny vampire it was, would take it all until I simply died. If I got pregnant, I would likely die. I asked about permanent sterilization. My mother cried. My doctor said no. I didn’t ask again.

I went back on birth control.

It was odd. I didn’t want children before that visit, not really. I was so tired all the time. I knew I’d never be able to manage to raise a child — and honestly, I didn’t care to try. I was so depressed. I was so sick. It sounded like so much work. I still don’t want to have kids. But it still feels… weird, knowing that I can’t. And knowing that I could die if I get knocked up.

I’m bisexual, but I have zero sexual contact with men (because I don’t love them, despite being somewhat sexually attracted to them) and zero sexual contact with people with penises (because they could literally kill me and it would be no one’s fault). But I’ve been followed home by men before. I’ve had cabbies lock me in and ask me for a date. I’ve had men who won’t take no for an answer. And my god, it terrifies me that I might have to deal with both sexual assault and a slowly creeping murder all at once.

(It’s laughable to think he’d be tried for both.)

I ended up getting sick off birth control a few times. I went on and off it periodically during my college career. I now in retrospect see that a lot of my “meltdowns” were a combination of discrimination-based stress, physical breakdowns, and hormonal whirlwinds. At my worst times, I was on birth control. The wrong ones.

My periods, over time, got worse. My back would hurt. The cramps were unbelievable. I couldn’t feel my legs. I could feel them too much. I couldn’t keep food down. I’d be so angry, so sad, so everything.

I went to the doctor again. I was diagnosed with both endometriosis and PMDD. PMDD, or premenstrual dysphoria disorder, is like PMS on steroids. I remember telling my doctor, in halting tones, that I wasn’t well before my periods. That I always had depression, always had anxiety, but I wasn’t well before periods. At her prodding, I confessed that sometimes I would just lie there for hours, for days, in the fetal position. That I’d clutch at my own arms, mooring myself, because I knew that those white knuckles were the only thing between me and killing myself. That my brain, always somewhat malevolent, became an inescapable mantra of death. That I’d just lie there and sob because it took everything I had not to hurt myself. That I’d find claw marks, bruises, on my arms later, and all I could do was get some ice.

It was better than the alternative.

I told my doctor about how painful my periods had always been. How I’d heard a story once about, y’know, that Spartan boy? The one who hid a fox kit under his shirt during an examination and stayed perfectly silent even as it clawed at him so he wouldn’t be caught with it? How it tore at his stomach until he fell down dead, still silent? I told her how I felt like I was holding a fox kit every damn month and sometimes I couldn’t stand the pain of it. Sometimes I considered ending that pain, one way or another.

She put me back on birth control.

A little less than a year later, or in layman’s terms, about a year ago, my mental health was so bad again that I was almost committed. Literally committed. I had to go stay with my parents for a few months while I transitioned to new medications because it wasn’t safe for me to be alone. I learned that the birth control I was on could create those symptoms — but they didn’t start until months after you’d started taking it. So you didn’t realize it was the medicine. You just assumed you were crazy and unlikable and so, so angry. At the world, at your loved ones, but mostly at yourself.

I learned, around that time, that I also had Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. That the pain I felt every month right before my period wasn’t just cramps. It was my bones coming undone from their sockets. It was my hips dislocating. It was my ribs popping out of my spine. I realized that that lump my parents could feel in my back wasn’t a hard knot of tense muscles. It was my fucking rib poking out of my back. I learned that there is a period right before menstruation that mimics a period during pregnancy where your joints loosen — your body thinks it is preparing you for birth, for loosening your pelvic cavity so an entire head can pass through. For someone with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, that period of joint looseness was enough to wreak absolute havoc on a system of already-weakened joints.

I learned how to put my own ribs back in with a foam roller. I started drinking marijuana tea for the pain. I went on a different birth control. I stopped taking the placebo pills. I had to fully eradicate that entire portion of my cycle. Goodbye PMDD and ribs constantly popping out. I don’t miss you!

I am still on that pill, y’know. Every day I take it and wonder if I’m one step closer to the day when it inevitably destroys me. The last one took about a year. Tick tock.

Or maybe I finally found the one that works… I really just don’t know.

The fact of the matter is that I have a full handful of maladies that require birth control so I can function. PMDD, endometriosis, dangerous pregnancy, EDS. I need hormonal birth control. I would probably be dead by now without it. The PMDD especially was that bad. My internal organs are likely a scarred-up mess. But the birth control itself almost killed me, too. God, it was close.

Simply put, birth control is heaven and hell all wrapped up in a pill. It treats illnesses and it prevents pregnancy. In other words, it provides you with both freedom and peace of mind. It is absolutely essential. But it’s also monstrous. The sheer number of sometimes-deadly side effects that come with hormonal treatments is staggering. Which is why you need to be under a doctor’s careful eye when you’re on it. You need to be free to choose whichever brand you need. You need to be free to switch kinds at a moment’s notice. None of these things are possible in a system where these pills are not fully covered by insurance.

(And yes, I know, this is a stupidly American problem in so many ways. Obviously the ideal thing here would be single-payer for all medical procedures. But that’s not up for debate here and insurance for BC is. Because for some reason we let some people’s religious convictions determine others’ health care. But I digress.)

Please don’t worry too much for me. I have a good employer who has told me in no uncertain terms that I don’t need to worry about my healthcare coverage. But there are so many people just like me. Who may not have diagnoses yet. Who may have “problem bodies”. Who only know that they need to do something and that they might have to go through several pills to find it. Whose employers either have the strong religious belief that hormonal birth control is a sin or the strong religious belief that they want to pay as little as possible for their workers’ health care. (Call me cynical.)

Those are the people I worry about. Those are the people I feel absolutely sick over as I watch the SCOTUS argue whether we should be allowed to have life-saving medicine. The people who I know will fall through the cracks the second that the cracks are widened enough for them to do so. The people who will die.

It’s a tense time right now. It’s a tense time for very obvious reasons. But this morning I find myself to be even tenser, and my stomach hurts thinking about it. It feels like all I can do is stare at a pill packet and remember every horrible reason I need it and every horrible thing it’s done to me and I just.

It’s a lot.

[polyputthekettleon]

One week into D starting HRT, here's what it looks like:

It's been one week since she started HRT, just 2mg estradiol for now and no anti androgen. The very first thing I notced that changed was her starting to experience euphoria within about an hour of when she takes her pill. That started happening by day 3 I think, though I've read that experience can vary wildly from person to person. This has corresponded with a huge drop in energy later in the day, and she's started splitting her pills to help lessen the peaks that were occurring. That helps, but she's still WIPED by the end of the day.

That exhaustion had definitely correlated with us having less sex; we used to have sex pretty much every night or morning together, and often both -- but that also has to do with her expanding knowledge of her own wants and desires. She recognized about the weeks ago that she was engaging in some sex stuff with me from a performative place, instead of an intrinsic desire, and that felt bad to her. We have since switched to being very very intentional about how and what we do during sex, and that has resolved her discomfort, but it's also lessened how often we're engaging sexually, so it's hard to track how much is due to HRT.

I've noticed a decrease in 'morning wood' -like last night/this morning there was none at all and that is quite unusual in the context of my historical experiences with her. I assume this is what they mean when they say less spontaneous erections. I've also noticed a shift in how likely she is to cum from penetrative sex and how it seems more difficult for her to reach orgasm when masturbating, though to be fair she is on antidepressants and those have always fucked with her erections and her orgasms, and she recently stopped talking Cialis (that was one of the sex things that was feeling performative for her), so again, it could just be a shift that had already happened that I'm attributing to HRT.

All that said, there have been some REALLY cool changes, too -- today I confirmed, she's definitely smelling different to me (not a lot, just a little-- there's a sweet undertone that wasn't there before at the moment, I thought I smelled something new on Sunday and it's definitely there now, and this is something I've been super freaked out about, but thankfully I still think she smells delicious and she still smells like herself (again, at least for the moment).

She's also noticing breast soreness, which is beyond exciting for her. It sounds similar to how my breasts get when I'm coming up on my period. Her nipples are also more sensitive.

Finally, swinging back to the euphoria -- the most recent time we had sex was this past Sunday, and HOLY FUCK was it good, especially for her. She had taken her pill and was feeling happy and tingly in her body, and suuuuuper emotional, happy happy tears. I started rubbing her back, and pretty soon things turned sexual and she was just absolutely lost in sensation. It was really, really fun to play and explore with her; she described her skin as "on fire" and I've never seen her so overwhelmed (in such a good way) before. It definitely looked like how I feel when I'm lost in really good touch with a partner, and I loved being able to give that to get her.

I also will say that when she has had an erection, it's been staying hard about the same as I remember from before she started taking Cialis, and that's been really, really nice. And while she and I have shifted the language we use to describe her parts and what we're doing, she has remained comfortable with penetrating me at times, especially for me to ride her. She also still likes her turn on top, and is still delightfully controlly. We've also been practicing checking in with each other and asking if there's something the other wants as far as sex goes, as well as asking for ourselves, and that had been helping me feel better fucked.

I think the hardest part about her being on hormones and the amount of sex we're having being reduced is that it's forcing me to reckon with some uncomfortable old baggage of my own. I don't like advocating for my needs during sex because it feels scary to face the possibility of them saying no. I don't like my partner trying to get me off because orgasms are really hard for me and if I try, then I usually end up feeling disappointed and frustrated and sad. I like to feel like I've "done a good job" for my partner and gotten them off, but her preferred method of coming right now seems to be her hand, and I struggle with feelings of inadequacy when that happens.

So yeah... I think that's all that's changed so far -- the most important part being how happy and at peace she is in her journey, and how taking the estrogen is helping her be more comfortable and confident in her identify as a woman. She's hoping the HRT will eventually allow her to get off antidepressants, and based on how incredibly happy she's been so far, I can totally see that being a possibility.

[dumbfoundead01]

Folklore

- random musings of a sixteen-year old drowned in a sea of words.

As young as sixteen years-old, I’ve already questioned my existence thousands of times. Young as it may sound, but experiences have mold me into the person I am today. Growing up, I’ve never had the fortune of getting things I desire. With just enough money to send us to school, I’ve always aspired of being well off. Sometimes, this aspiration of mine has caused me to worry too much about my future. During my time in tenth grade, I constantly argued with myself whether I would choose practicality over passion. As someone who does not know what course to take in college, I chose what I wanted to study. I did not want to bury myself in a pile of books concerning cells and its functions. I wanted something that was closer to politics, and contemporary issues because that was what I excelled at during my stay in CHST. It was what I enjoy learning, and discussing.

In the wee hours of the day, in the darkest of nights, I often find myself fighting the urge to cry. Not knowing why, not knowing how, a lot of times I’ve always wanted to cry. I always tell myself and the people I’m surrounded by, that I’m a heartless person. A person who rarely cries, but I guess they’re right. I guess they’re right about how bad it is to bottle up your feelings just to put up a façade so others wouldn’t hurt you. Yes, in some ways I am heartless, but I’m also a human. I have emotions that I, sometimes, cannot control. There are things beyond our control, and if things go down the drain, all you could do is cry, and ask yourself where did you go wrong. In my generation, a lot of people have experienced breakdowns for quite some time. We easily feel challenged by the things that surround us.

Blame technology and innovation for the never-ending demand and expectations it gives other people. With our world continuously progressing, it is expected for humans to continually adapt to technology. Now, even projects are expected to be done virtually wherein if we compare the much simpler times, there wasn’t a lot of projects given to people older than my generation. I am not a professional to diagnose myself with clinical depression, but there are a lot of statistics about suicide in the late teenage years mainly concerned with depression. With the ever-changing world, this phenomenon of unhappy teenagers (most especially adults) seems to be a folklore that would eventually pass through future generations. Mental health disorders have been present since time immemorial, and it is here to stay. Humans have emotions as fragile as a snowflake, thus, with factors affecting hormones and such, would eventually lead to depression or other mental disorders if left untreated.

When you are young, people usually tell you that maybe your depression is just a figment of imagination. Older people tell you that it’s just in your head. They tell you that you’re too young to know about things, and worry about them. You wouldn’t possibly know how problems arise, and what the solutions are. We cannot fully blame these “old” people of why they think like that. They lived in a period wherein mental health was taboo, and never really put much thought in. What we should do is break the stigma surrounding mental health, and continue to liberate our generation, and the future generation from this folklore waiting to be passed on. Even with insensitive words being thrown, choose to prove them wrong. Even when they have beliefs constricted or subject to ancient teachings of how and what life is, prove the young ones worthy. It would definitely take a long time to change someone’s belief especially if they are based on pre-conceived convictions. It would take a lot more than words and actions just to do that. After all, when you are young they assume you know nothing.

[saraa-lancee]

So what issues would you like them to tackle that hasn’t already been done on the show before?

(I just want to say this is my first ask ever and I've been here since... God maybe 2013? So thank you!!)

I would LOVE to see a new dimension to sexuality. I'm also casually of the team that's "Sara herself should say Bisexual" because Bisexual has only been said once on screen and Nate said it casually.. We have a scene where Sara says tells Nurse Lindsay that Lesbian isn't a bad word yet the show kinda doesn't act that way about Bi. Bi erasure is an issue that would be interesting-- since Sara is with Ava, it would be neat to have some line of "i didn't pick a team" or just along the lines of Still Bi With A Woman.

(They also missed an opertunity with Charlie to use neutral pronouns of some kind)--> a discussion further on gender identity would be cool too. There are casual set ups for this with Charlie, like in the Shakespeare episode, but nothing is ever really taken completely seriously or honestly even explicitly. I would really enjoy a nonbinary or intersex narrative in this particular context because I feel like the team of legends (as the people the characters are) would fit really nicely with that. But it would be cool to have a trans character that Gideon helps? Because the arrowverse trans character (in Supergirl-- Nia) is already transitioned. It would be cool to have a transitioning characer in a really casual way even (a particular scenario would be New Character leaving sickbey while someone else walks in. Other person asked if New is feeling OK and New just says like "oh yeah, just my hormones.). But yeah anything with gender identity.

I always hunger for more disability stories, but based on how they Wrote Sara's blindness... yikes. I remember watching a panel or something on YouTube about how Caity was hoping that Sara was at least going to have a cane or be shown to struggle with some stuff, but the writers ignored all of that. So its kind of touchy based on that but I think it would be really neat to have someone with a prosthetic (or even just an amputation, someone born without a limb, etc.)-- it would be a beautiful narrative about 'Gideon can literally grow you a new arm' and that character firmly saying no, this is me, having this difference doesn't make me less, you aren't "fixing" me because I'm not broken, I like myself, etc, whatever.

I know that for me personally one of the best things about the show is that Sara and Ava don't have to come out, and everyone just treats them like normal, but I think some kind of homophobia narrative would be good, not to a big extent but just to the extent like in S1 when Kendra and Ray move in 1950s and that dynamic only with the girls. Like, for the show to acknowledge homophobia in such a direct way, as they did with interracial relationships. This beyond the obvious homophobia of the Nazis. (I personally can't think of an aspect where its implied, but sometimes I can miss or misinterpret implicated stuff like that).

I would love to see a return to POC cultures and narratives (narratives outside of racism) S1 with Kendra and Carter and the Egyptian culture aspect, Amaya and Zambesi aspect. We see a tad bit of this with Zari and the bollywood scene, and Japan post WW2, but they are more side aspects now. It would be neat to go to India or other places in southeast Asia (culturally), or Central/South America. Overall, I would just like to see more of that cultural aspect because human culture is something that interests me a lot and I feel like can be easily casually thrown in with time travel--- traditional clothes, buildings, and ideals (an example of the ideals is the discussion in feudal Japan about the cultures views on death).

I feel like there was a lot of potential with Hank and Sara to continue that discussion about women in power. Yes, we have discussed this before. We do it a lot in second season with the JSA and even Jonah Hex but I think Hank had a lot of potential to add a dimension to that discussion. (honestly see next paragraph for more). That whole episode with the Minotaur i would have loved if they'd been a bit more explicit with that-- yes, obviously a woman can be in charge (in Hanks mind) but he has the right to walk in there and take over because her experience doesn't matter and also we will do whatever he wants. Sara spends almost the whole time just rolling her eyes and bitting her tongue besides a light quip in the beginning asking if a girls ever punched him. in the past Sara has literally exerted dominance over men so I was just kind of disappointed with that dynamic. I love the character of Sara as an "unconventional woman" or a "strange friend" and I've noticed comments like that pretty much stopped after the 3rd season. I know some people hated those comments but I think they can be good. I enjoyed them and would like to see them again because it's literally just Sara being unapologetically herself, a strong woman, doing whatever she does, no matter how weird or unconventional it is. (Which is an integral part of Saras character to me)

BUT its also not necessarily "new" issues. Issues don't go away in real life-- we had multiple issues about Race in America with Jax, from different points in history (Slavery and the 1950s). Jax even mentions how he still experiences Rascism today. The issues don't go away and just because they are mentioned once doesn't mean they can't (and shouldn't) be examined from other points in history. IE just because the show has talked about it before doesn't mean we can't talk about it again from a different angle and/or perspective.

I see a lot of potential with Astra with the racism thing (people are nicer to me in literal Hell) but it also would have been interesting with Mona, to show a different type of racism would have been INCREDIBLE.

I also can think of maybe a scene or two that would have just been a nice touch with Zari (either one, but I have a soft spot for Zari 1.0, and I think with her life as an illegal Muslim would have been an enriching perspective) as a Muslim. They are very good to her character in the way that she obviously abstains from Liquor and Pork, and observes Ramadan. But one thing that would have been interesting is for Zari to experience early 2000s (or honesty still right now) xenophobia. Especially Z1 since being a Muslim is Illegal in 2045 there was a lot of emotional potential there. (Although I feel like I can understand why the writers didn't want to touch that because of current conflicts).

Since we're going to outer space (that was actually confirmed right? Or was it just hinted and I misread??), I think issues will have to be character driven rather than time period driven. But therin we have a lot of potential-- a race of aliens without distinct genders (wait, so your worth can be dictated based off of your genitals?? Plus sexuality stuff there), aliens confused about race (I don't understand some of your skins are different colors... and your people treat each other differently based on this?). We could introduce a matriarchal society, which the crew with Captain Lance feel particularly unphased by. Perhaps we have a completely pacifist society or aliens made of inorganic materials (debates about what constitutes as alive, what lives are meaningful, etc.) You get the idea(I adore star trek so you can imagine my glee thinking about some of those scenarios).

I think for me, the hard shift to comedy was at the expense of some of my favorite aspects of the show and also things that set it apart. This Found Family is so rewarding because they are all so so different but those differences enrich each other. They become better people and feel at home without having to change who they fundamentally are. And they are whoever they want to be. I feel like now the show has simply had an incredibly jarring tone shift thats trying too hard to be a comedy. (This one is just an opinion but a joke among all the serious is always just a lot more funny to me. I find myself laughing more at one liners and random stuff in the early seasons. Now it feels like 'ok, what's the next ridiculous thing.')

I think... humanity is pretty dark. But humanity also rises above. This is why I adore the episode from post WW2 Japan and to me it personally really stands out from other episodes in s4/s5. The idea of creating and destroying, pain and sadness locked inside, terror and hatred for the beings you share the planet with. That pain creates monsters. Sometimes by accident. (Sara's pain turned her into the version of herself she called a monster.). And also about embracing your passions (Mick hiding his writing). In that episode, we still have jokes about Godzilla. Garima appears and its hilarious. But it's also an incredibly powerful narrative about pain and fear and shame and gives a perspective that the western audience wouldnt... necessarily think about (the actual consequences and what the bomb actually literally did.).

That darkness makes the light so much more meaningful. If everything becomes light... than why are we still fighting?

Sorry if this is jumbled, I'm on mobile so.

Also, sorry if this is a rant or whatever. I am very passionate about this topic and oh boy if I was on a computer and had the time I'd probably repondd with a link to a doc.

[avengerscompound]

The Five Stages - Unexpected Father

The Five Stages: An Iron Man Fanfic

Series Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Buy me a coffee with Ko-fi Word Count: 2386

Pairing:  Tony Stark x F!Reader

Warnings:  Age difference (not used as a kink), Smut (Oral sex, vaginal sex), talk of abortion

Synopsis:  When you discover you’re pregnant you’re scared to tell Tony. Hopefully, you underestimate the man he really is.

Unexpected Father

You sit on the edge of the bath tapping the positive pregnancy test on the porcelain rim of the tub.  You think you should be panicking right now.  This wasn’t planned.  You weren’t even sure how it would go down.  You hadn’t even considered the option of having children.  It was always there in this far off, maybe one day, that’s what people do kind of thing.

You had a career.  Things were going well.  This wasn’t the far off down the road time.  You had things to do.  You were going to cure Bruce.  Can you do both?  That’s something people do right?  It’s not like you were single right?  You had money.  Hiring a nanny wasn’t an unreasonable expectation.

But there was the real problem.  You weren’t single.  You were dating Tony Stark.  The serial philanderer.  The guy who had intimacy issues.  The guy who struggled to even say ‘I love you’ and had to think of other ways to express that he did.  How the fuck was Tony Stark going to deal with hearing the news he was now headed down the path to becoming a father?

He’d certainly never brought up wanting kids with you.  Not once had it even been hinted at.  He was also pushing fifty now.  You’d think if he wanted them he’d have already had them.  Having them now with someone twenty years younger than him might just not seem practical.

So while all these thoughts of how terrible this is.  How bad your luck is that your birth control failed you.  How you had no idea what you should do right now.  You sit thinking you should be panicking, but instead, you feel eerily calm.  Like there are too many emotions for you to feel so instead you feel nothing.

There’s a sudden thud on the door as Tony tries to open it not realizing it’s locked.

“Honey, why is the door closed?”  He says, in a sing-song voice.  In retrospect doing the test in his penthouse and not your own apartment was probably a mistake.  This part of the bathroom is just a shower and a bath too.  So there is no reason for you to have locked it.  You never lock it.  You’re not even sure why you came in here.  It’s not where you took the test.

You get up and unlock the door.  Tony looks you up and down his eyebrows knitted together.  “What’s going on?  I thought you’d be taking a bath.”

You shake your head and turn away from him and he grabs your arm.  “Hey.  Seriously.  What’s wrong?”

You turn back to him and look up into his brown eyes.  The concern is real, and there is faint panic behind them.  He’s not used to you being like this.  You’re usually quick with your words.  Easy to comfort him or to tell him everything is fine in the normal snark that flows between you.

“How do you feel about being a dad?”  You ask.

“You’re hilarious,”  He replies.  “What is it really?”

You laugh.  It’s a little hollow and not really because you think anything is funny.  Of course, he thinks you’re joking.  It’s so far from his sphere of possibility that there’s no way you could be serious.  “I’m pregnant.”

“No, you’re not.  Stop messing with me.  If you’re sick I want to know.”  He says.

You laugh again, this time there is a little more amusement in it.  The fact he is so sure is just quite funny.  After all the years of casual sex and no accidents he actually thinks this is an impossibility.  “Seriously, Tony.”  You say, taking his hand and putting the pregnancy test in it.  “But you obviously don’t want it.  I wasn’t sure.  So … I guess abortion it is.”

Tony looks down at the test and back to you.  His face is blank for a moment.  Still processing the information.  “I don’t know how to read this.”  He says.

“Two lines means positive for pregnancy, Mister Stark.”  FRIDAY answers.

“This is her test right?”  He asks.  That one stings for a second before you realize he doesn’t think you’re trying to scam him, he still thinks this is an elaborate prank.  You sit down on the edge of the bath laughing silently, doubled over and your hands touching the cool tiles of the bathroom floor.

“The test was taken ten minutes ago.  A positive result does align with the fact that her period is two weeks late and she has been suffering from severe nausea the past week.”  The AI responds.

“FRIDAY!”  You yelp getting to your feet and, looking up at the ceiling.  “What the hell?”

“I’m simply explaining to Mister Stark that you are telling the truth.”  She says.

“But you were on birth control,”  Tony says, his tone accusatory.

“I am on birth control.  Present tense.  They aren’t 100% effective though.  How much sex have you had?  I guess the odds weren’t in your favor.”  You answer.

“FRIDAY?”  Tony asks.

“Most modern birth control is not 100%.  The birth control you have been using is an implantation rod containing the hormone etonogestrel.  The rod is still implanted and does not need replacing for another two years.  It is 99.9% effective as a birth control device.”  FRIDAY explains.

“FRIDAY!”  You yelp again.  “That is so invasive.”

“I’m sorry miss.  I just catalog what happens in the tower.”   She replies.

You look at Tony with your eyebrow raised but he’s completely oblivious to your judgment of this invasion of privacy.  Slowly a smile breaks out on his face.  “We’re really going to have a kid?”

You’re taken aback for a moment and can’t think of a thing to say.  Before you have a chance to say anything he’s wrapped you in his arms and is nuzzling against your neck.  “I have seriously got to be the luckiest man alive.  99.9% chance.  That’s one in a thousand.  I have had way more sex than a thousand times.  Shit.  How much have we done it?  Mm… maybe not quite a thousand.  But we’d be getting there.  It’s not every day, but sometimes it’s so many times.”  He babbles.  You smile and card your fingers through his hair, getting caught up in his excitement.  “And then it happens.  And okay, maybe I wasn’t planning this, but I had honestly thought it had gotten to the point that I should put that aside.  But really, if I think about it, I do want that.  And yeah okay, it’s scary.  My dad was… well shit.  So I don’t have the best role model.  But with you.  You - I can see raising a kid with.”

He stops suddenly and holds you out at arm’s length his face fallen.  “Fuck. You want an abortion.  Sorry.  I got carried away.  I’ll… I’ll support your decision.”

You can tell that was hard for him to say.  The words seem forced and like they don’t belong to him.  You shake your head.  “I don’t know what I want honestly.”  You reply.  “Wasn’t in the ol’ game plan, Old Man.”

“I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want.”  He says.  “Especially not that.  You think maybe we should have this conversation not in the middle of my bathroom?”

You nod and follow him out to the kitchen.  You sit at the table but Tony isn’t able to keep still.  He moves around the room pulling out a teapot you’ve never even seen him use before and putting on a kettle you didn't even know he had to boil.  He then gets his french press and you watch as he adds tea leaves to the pot and coffee grounds to the press.  “Since when do you have loose leaf tea?   Or a teapot?”

“It’s for guests.”  He snarks. “I know how to show people a good time.”

“You sure do.”  You tease.

He looks at you with one eyebrow raised and a half smile on his lips.  For a moment you forget why you came in here.  It’s just you and Tony flirting over coffee like you’ve done hundreds of times before.

“Is that so, darling?  Maybe I can put you up on the counter and show you a good time right here and now?”

You get up and approach him.  Your fingers trail from his abs to his chest.  “Maybe you should.”  You say.

He grabs your thighs and lifts you onto the kitchen counter and you start kissing furiously.  It’s a battle for control and neither of you is conceding.  Your tongues circle each other and you bite ate each other’s lips.  Tony pulls away abruptly and rests his head on your chest.

“We should talk.  You know… open communication.  That’s what my therapist keeps harping on about.”  Tony says.

“Don’t talk about Sedona like that.”  You scold.

“Don’t defend her just because you think she’s hot.”  Tony returns.

You open your mouth in mock outrage, despite the fact you do indeed think Tony’s therapist is extremely hot.  She’s also extremely good at her job and you get the feeling if it weren’t for her the reaction he was having right now would have been quite different.  Part of you wonders what their next appointment is going to be like after this.

You rest your forehead on Tony’s and sigh.  “I am not opposed to having the baby, Tony.  It just wasn’t expected.  And I thought you’d be mad.”

“Why would I be mad?”  He asks sounding a little hurt.

You shrug.  “I was mad. I’m on birth control to stop this from happening.  And like you said, you’ve gone a really, really, really long time without having any.  I thought you didn’t want them.”

“Was that a subtle dig about my age?”  He teases.

You smirk.  “A little bit.”

He chuckles and engulfs you in his arms.  You snuggle in under his chin and he presses a kiss to the top of your head.  “You are such trouble.”

“I know.“  You reply.  “I don’t want to stop working.”

Tony laughs and pulls back to look at you.  “Who are you talking to?  Why would I make you give up that?  You’re so close to that breakthrough.  I want to see it.”

“You really think nothing will change?”  You ask.

Tony starts laughing again.  “You’re killing me today.”  He says.  “Of course it will, dummy.  It’s a baby.”

“Tony.”  You whine.

He wraps his arms around you again.  “I can not believe you’re making me be the rational one here.  You get ten more minutes of it tops.  You know that… I love…”  He pauses and takes a deep breath.  “I fucking love you okay.  I do.  And if you want to take this step I want it, I just… the words… you know?”

You nod your head.  “You need to work on that.  You can’t just repeat Howard’s mistakes.”

He nods.  “I know.  I’ll tell them all the time.  Don’t worry.”

You look up at him.  “Alright.  Let’s give it a go.”

“You should move into the penthouse.”  He says.

“Yeah.  Okay.”  You agree.

“Alight good.  Good.  Big life changes.  Got an heir to the fortune.”  Tony says stepping back and looking at you.  “Now where were we?”

You grab his collar and pull him in into a hard kiss.  He rolls his hips against you and you can feel his cock start to stiffen as you dance your tongues together.  The two of you kiss until your lips start to tingle from the scratch of his beard.  Your hand slips into his pants and you wrapped your fingers around his cock and starts to slowly pump.  He makes a strangled moan into your mouth.

You slip off the counter and spin him around.  You drop to your knees unfastening his belt and pulling his jeans down just enough to free his cock.  It springs up and you run your tongue along the length of his shaft before swirling it around the head and lapping up the sticking bead of precome that had pooled on the tip.

His hands fist in your hair as you pull his cock into your mouth and thrust your head down, so your lips touch on his groin and your airways are blocked.

“Fuck.”  He groans and you start to bob your head up and down.

You move your head, sucking up and down and swirling your tongue.  You use it to massage his shaft.

“Mister Stark there is a call from your law office,”  FRIDAY says.

Tony groans again.  “Tell them I’m not in.”  He says, a slight whine in his voice.

“They’re insisting it’s urgent.”  FRIDAY insists.

You pull off his cock and look up at him, a wicked smile on your lips.  “Take it.”  You purr.

He chuckles and shakes his head.  “You dirty bitch.”  He teases.  “Put it through, FRIDAY.”

You return to sucking his cock as there is a click over the speakers.  “Talk to me,”  Tony says, trying to hide the shake to his voice.

“Mister Stark, it’s Mike Abrams.  We’ve been contacted by a woman claiming to be your daughter.”  A male voice responds.

You stall for a moment looking up at Tony he shakes his head like it’s nothing and rolls his hips forward.  “Why are you coming to me with this. It wouldn’t be the first time.  Run the tests, show her the door.”

“We have run the tests, Mister Stark,”  Mike responds.

You pause again and this time Tony pulls back.  You get to your feet as he pulls his jeans back on.  “You what?”

“We ran the tests.  She’s a match.  Her story checks out.  She’s your daughter.”  Mike replies.

You reach out to Tony and take his hand, running your thumb over the back of it, in what you hope is a soothing motion.  “What?  I can’t… How… Who is… Who is this woman?”  Tony asks.

“Her name is Sarah Walker.  Her mother’s name is Evelyn Walker.  You met her at a party you went to instead of showing up to the MET Gala in 1991.  She grew up in Westchester.”   Mike explained.

“Right.  Right.  Wait, did you say 1991?  But that means…”  He says and looks at you.

You stare at him wide-eyed.  “She’s my age.”  You mouth.

// NEXT

[artboitrash]

His Bloody Rose (Stefano Valentini fanfiction) Chapter 6 - Wary

I sat alone in the hallway. I had been waiting for several minutes, there hadn't been another person to walk passed me for a while. I needed to talk to the head of the art department about my work in the gallery, to ensure all the current paper work was up to date.

The dean was late to come back to the office. It happens, but I was still a little annoyed. Sometimes the staff doesn't come in until later in the day, but the dean had been called across campus.

My painting instructor, the gallery organizer, walked passed and saw me. "Good afternoon." she said, making me look up.

"Oh, good afternoon." I said as well, standing from my chair.

She laughed. "Are you waiting for me, or are you waiting for your bus, or. . .?"

I realized I must have looked incredibly bored or annoyed. "Oh, no... I was waiting for the dean of the art department."

She smiled in understanding. "She went home today. There was a family emergency and had to run home."

I looked down sheepishly. "Alright, I'll try again some other time."

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I was trying to make sure all of my working paperwork was in order."

"Oh." My instructor nodded. She smiled at me. "Don't worry, there's always tomorrow or the next day. The semester doesn't end for a few months still, so you'll have time to come back."

"Alrighty." I said quietly.

My painting professor continued walking down the hallway to her office. The main office was locked, and no one was coming to unlock it.

That cleared my entire day. My last class instructor had cancelled, and my only other class had been let out early. I frowned to myself, then turned to gather my things.

It's not a bad thing, it happens. I thought in my mind, trying to stop this perceived slight from making my mind tumble into a worse depression. It's not a bad thing, it's not a bad thing, it's normal for things to go slightly wrong.

I decided to go down to the gallery and chat with Angela. I had already done my hours for the day, so maybe I can just chat while I wait for the next bus. I began walking down the hallway, thinking about what I would talk about.

Or, I really don't feel like socializing. I frowned to myself, and stopped walking, pulling out my phone to check the time. I had an hour and a half at least until I have to catch my bus.

I sighed. I walked down the hallway, but looked for an outlet near a sitting area instead. The hallway was almost completely empty, so I could make my choice of sitting area, but most hallway outlets were on the bottom floor. So I hoped I could make find one up here that was free. Maybe I can just lose myself in the internet for a little while.

"Hello again."

I looked up from the floor of the hallway. I saw a well dressed man standing before me with bangs covering his right eye several paces away. He wore a light blue dress shirt and what looked like suit pants, probably the most casual I'd ever seen him dressed. I hadn't seen him for about two and a half weeks, but there stood the enigma of a man, still out of place in a college atmosphere. Stefano smiled at me, and I blinked in surprise. He began to close the distance between us, and stopped in front of me.

"I had come for a follow-up meeting to discuss the gallery I am hoping to host, and here you are again." He chuckled lowly. "I always run into you before I go on to my meetings, it seems."

I smiled weakly. "It's nice to see you again, too."

Stefano stopped smiling. "Is everything okay with you?"

I blinked and turned away. I still felt guilty from thinking about his involvement with the serial killer case. Of course I would run into him while I'm not feeling well. "Yeah, sorry. I'm just not having the best day."

"We can't have that, miss Rose." A hand gripped my chin, making me look up at him. His eyes seemed to darken when he looked at me. "Stay with me. After my meeting I can make you feel better."

I pulled out of his hand. "Sorry, I. . ."

I felt a sickness pool in my stomach. It was enough to make me overwhelmed, to make the depressive feeling take over. Before I knew it, I was completely overcome with helplessness and ready to cry. I felt stranded with nowhere to turn. I knew it wasn't true, but the sensation in my head completely ruined any thought that might help me calm down.

I can't let myself do this. Not again.

I felt fingers guide my chin up, more gently this time. I was looking into Stefano's eyes. There was a burning intensity in them, he seemed angry, but not at me.

"Has someone hurt you?" he asked lowly.

I looked away, backing away from the man in front of me. "Go on to your meeting. I'm fine--"

"You're about to cry."

I looked back at him.

"Miss Rose, you do know that I can see through everything people try and show me, correct?" He frowned, but didn't make a motion to touch me again. "I am a photographer, and I have seen every emotion hidden under the sun. It is impossible for someone to hide their feelings and real thoughts from me when it is always so plainly written on their face."

I watched as his unhidden eye flickering between mine, seemingly unsure of which one to focus on. I nodded.

"Were you on your way home?"

"No, I was thinking about just sitting until the next bus."

"You take the bus?"

I nodded again, letting myself look at his face. "I don't drive. I'm a little too scared to."

He didn't respond to that. After a moment, Stefano held out his left hand towards me, as always clad in a leather glove. He smiled warmly.

"Come with me, Rose."

I looked at his hand, hesitating. I couldn't bring myself to care what would happen to myself. If I would regret it, I would regret it. If I was right those weeks ago, if he was the serial killer, I couldn't bring myself to care if I was the next victim.

Swallowing the nausea and lump in my throat, I lifted my hand and fit it in his. His grasp gently closed around mine, and when I looked up, his smile had not changed. His eyes looked at me with a gentle look that I hadn't seen in them yet. I swallowed again and just watched him.

He began to walk slowly down the hallway. I felt warm, and oddly safe. I blinked and walked a little closer to his body.

"Why do you want me to come with you?" I managed after I found my voice.

Stefano glanced slightly down at me. "You have been kind and helpful to me, bella. You have treated me in ways that is rare these days, so I think that should be rewarded."

"Rewarded for you or for me?"

He stared at me, an obvious puzzled look crossing his face. "Why would I reward myself for your work and kindness?"

I smiled slightly. I couldn't bring myself to respond to him.

My chest hurt. For some reason, when I was around Stefano or let my thoughts meander about him, I began to feel sick. If I keep thinking about him, my chest begins to hurt. Like I'm hollow, searching for something to fill me. Trying to ignore it never seems to help, but I can't really do anything about it.

I don't want to feel myself falling anymore, but it's so hard to keep myself from my own emotions.

I leaned my head against his arm, his cologne surrounding me as we walked. I felt empty and sick, but comforted by staying with him.

Stefano stopped walking, and I heard a clunking sound. "Oh, damn." he muttered.

I looked up, realizing we had come to the dean's office again. I stood up straight, feeling an odd sense of vertigo overtake me.

"It seems they've gone out again." he said with a tone of annoyance. "Would you mind waiting with me?"

"Oh, sorry, I should have said that." I said.

Stefano looked down at me quizzically.

"Sorry, I had been waiting too, before we met up. She went home because of some family emergency."

He sighed, though it seemed to be for show. "Perhaps we should try to reschedule again. I'm not quite fond of having my plans rewritten."

"The gallery organizer is here, though. I can take you to her office."

Stefano smiled at me. He lifted his right hand, patting my head, then drawing a knuckle down the side of my face. I shivered as a tingle went down the back of my spine. He chuckled.

"Would it be too much to ask of you?" he murmured, leaning down and planting a kiss on the top of my head.

I froze, feeling the emptiness ache even worse. I turned to him, unsure of what I felt as he rested his right hand on the back of my head. I leaned into his kiss, trying to make the pain go away, my heart beginning to burst inside of me. He had kissed me three times now, as though to just reassure me that he only wanted my kindness, but since we had only met three times it seemed improper.

"Why do you kiss me?" I murmured as he pulled away.

He looked down at me with that same neutral expression that covered his face when he was thinking. He just blinked at me, then turned away.

"Can you show me where her office is?" was all he said.

I paused, trying to piece together if that was meant to be an answer. I realized I was an idiot, then silently turned and began to walk towards my instructor's office. He followed me, letting his hand let go of mine.

I didn't look back at him. I felt my stomach turn, feeling unhappy for some reason. I realized how unrealistic I had been. There is no reason that I'm putting any trust in this man, no reason I'm letting him touch me and especially kiss anywhere on my body. I've only met him three times, I don't know him.

He's a stranger.

I felt my emotions boil over and I felt overwhelmed again. I could only imagine how he thought of me. I probably looked so easy to him, an easy target to make fall for him, someone to chew up and use.

I felt my eyes tear up as I tried to choke down my emotions. God I was being irrational about everything. The first person I've ever met to get this kind of rise out of me, to make me feel like I wanted to be around them. I couldn't keep Stefano out of my mind since I met him, the way he held himself and spoke just intrigued me, and all I could think was how I wanted to know more about him.

I wonder if I'm about to hit my period. My hormones turn me on my head when I'm about to start my monthly cycle.

We reached the teacher's door, and I silently pointed at it. I heard his footsteps stop behind me.

"Thank you, bella Rosa." Stefano said. His voice was withdrawn, as though coaxing me to look at him.

I didn't, I simply turned down the hall and kept walking. I felt pain in my chest as I walked away. Who am I fooling? No one but myself.

I sniffed as I heard a knock on the door behind me. I opened the door to the stairs and started walking down. I kept choking down my tears, holding onto the railing to make sure I wouldn't fall. I can't let myself go through this, not again. I've been heartbroken enough, I don't need to let myself feel it again.

Why am I choked up about this? Why do I have to be an emotional idiot?

I made my way to the bottom of the staircase. I walked into the hallway, and looked out the window. The sky was dark and it was raining. I laughed, feeling myself snap out of the depression I had been stewing in all day. Even if it was at least for a moment, it was alleviated.

How moody.

I walked to the window and pulled out my phone. I took some pictures, hoping they turned out decently. I love the rain, love the feeling it tends to instill in people.

I walked to the door next to the window and went outside. I took my bag off and set it by the wall. I stood still in the rain, looking out into the sky. I sighed quietly, feeling the heavy rain hit my face and dampen my clothes.

This is real, I thought to myself. This is the world around me. I don't have to find happiness or love, I don't have to find anyone.

I don't want anyone, I told myself. I knew that wasn't quite true. But it was what I've been telling myself for so many years.

I glanced at my bag, then walked further into the rain, beginning to smile. My shirt was almost completely wet, and I felt a chill begin to instill into my body.

This is real. The ridiculous feelings I've been imagining aren't.

I just stood in the rain.

This is real...

I stopped smiling. I turned my face away from the sky. I could feel hot tears beginning to flow down my cheeks.

What am I even doing?

I'm behaving like even more of an idiot, that's what. I'm arguing with myself over something so insignificant, about someone who isn't even remotely part of my life.

I felt something wrap around me. I looked down as what appeared to be a black blanket covered my head and blue-clothed arms wrapped around my stomach.

"Dio mio. . ." I heard a voice murmur behind me. "You are going to make yourself sick, my dear."

I turned around, looking into the eyes of Stefano. He sighed.

"What are we going to do with you, hm?"

I tucked my head into his shoulder, closing my eyes. I realized he had put a coat around my shoulders, it looked like the coat I had first seen him in. I placed my hands on his chest, feeling warmth branch through my body. Stefano held my body to his, rubbing my shoulder.

"Why are you so sweet to me, Stefano?"

"Does there need to be a reason?"

I hesitated. "What do you want from me?"

Stefano went silent again. He simply held me close, and I let myself just... feel it. It hurt inside my heart. I didn't want to feel anymore, I wanted to tear out my heart and forget my life.

His warmth, his cologne, and his pulse were all I was aware of. I could still feel the rain hitting my back, but his head was blocking it from hitting mine.

"Stefano?"

"Hmm?"

"Why are you acting like this today? You haven't acted like yourself since we met."

He lowered his head, turning his face into my hair. I could feel his breath running through my hair, rain water running down onto my head and sending a chill down my back.

"You are inspiring me, bella." he whispered. "You do not act like others to me, and you see my work in its true beauty. You have shown me more kindness than anyone I know."

I could tell some of what he was saying was rehearsed. I couldn't bring myself to care. I didn't want to feel pain anymore, I was so tired and ready for it all to stop.

"Come with me, bella mia." he whispered to me. "Let me capture your beauty."

I laughed into his shoulder. "You might want to take a second look, I'm not someone you want in your portfolio."

"Then you need a better mirror, or perhaps a better photographer."

I pushed myself into him. I knew then, I knew.

He was the serial killer. He was the murderer looking for victims in Krimson. If I was his last resort, or newest victim, then so be it. I didn't want this life, so I would rather give it to someone who would care more about it than me.

I looked up at him, seeing his eye open and look into mine.

"Only if you let me do one thing." I whisper back.

"Anything, bella. Anything."

I raised my hands, gently touching his face. His eye followed them, then met mine again. It was strange how human he felt, how real he felt under my touch. I pulled him down to me, pressing my lips to his. His jaw moved under my hands as his lips molded to mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling his hands tense around my shoulders.

He leaned into me, lips parting mine and filling my mouth with his breath. The ache took me over and I held tight. I anchored myself to this singular moment, feeling the softness of his lips press into mine, the heat of his body warming me and holding me, securing me to him.

I pulled away, feeling him pull back as well. His visible eye opened and looked down at me.

"I'll come with you now." I whispered.

His face didn't change as he looked at me. His eye shifted, changing like a strange liquid giving away his emotions. It flickered down my face, looking at me.

He pulled back, walking away from me. He picked up my bag and something sitting by it that I hadn't noticed. A camera lay by my bag on top of Stefano's portfolio.

He walked back to me, tucking his portfolio and camera into my bag and closing it, slinging it over his shoulder. He wrapped his left arm around my shoulders, guiding me with him. I shivered as the warmth came through me again. I leaned into him and let myself close my eyes. If this was going to be my last time, I wanted to feel happiness. I never felt real happiness, never felt anything like this. Any time I had fallen in love I was used, abused, and left heartbroken.

Stefano Valentini is a serial killer.

And I want him to be the last person I fall in love with.

Because he is the only one that has been truly kind to me.

[queenangst]

advice for high school??

advice for high school:

put yourself out there. i know high school is big and scary, but it's new. you're going to know people who you've seen all your life and people who you have never met before, probably. don't be afraid. sit next to someone new in chemistry and... bond. ask to squeeze in a lunch spot. smile at your teachers, say hello. join clubs. it's 2-4 years of your life, so find your people.

stop thinking about the numbers. this is one of the hardest things when you're surrounded by a pressured environment from all sides - teachers, students, parents. but let me tell you that you have to learn when to care and when to not. which times to fight and which times to let go. you might get your first 35 on a test. you might be ranked far behind your other classmates. not every homework has to be done well, just done at all. not every grade has to be an A, because in the end higher academic institutions care less than you think and not every "bad" grade is the end of the world. and if you don't do so hot on something, feel a little bad and then keep going. no use in dwelling, just do better next time. (sometimes just give up. don't do an assignment. take the 0. sometimes you need the time, or the break, and it's not worth doing.)

freedom. high school is the first taste of bigger opportunities in learning. choose classes you might have an interest in over what will boost your gpa or whatever. take art, take music, something creative, even if you are a stem student through and through, you don't have to do well but this will enrich your life and give your brain something different that isn't numbers or grammar or whatever. and creativity fosters community.

communicate with your teachers. some teachers accept nothing late ever period. some teachers procrastinate. actually a lot of teachers procrastinate they're really just like you. whatever the case talk to them. if you're having trouble understanding high school teachers often have some form of out of class tutoring/tutorials before, after, and even during school (such as at lunch). if you are sick, if you want them to look over a paper, if you need an extra day to finish your project and make it good, talk to your teachers. they want you to succeed. they cannot always be lenient for personal or academic reasons, but they will understand. and them knowing is better than them not.

get sleep. i mean it. 6 hours at least. 7 is good. 8+ is best. if you can't, at least sleep for some amount of time even if it's 30 minutes. if you can't sleep, still lie down for a bit in the dark and let your body rest even if your mind won't shut off. you will thank yourself in the morning.

do your damn homework. just do it. there's a lot, some of it is useless, but a lot of it is not. homework is meant to help you retain the info that you learned in class, or even learn more info that you will not cover in class.

on top of #6, read the textbook and listen in class. sometimes it's boring. just do it. you don't have to take notes but they definitely help, and notes never have to be pretty they just have to be legible to you. it can be bullet points. it can be diagrams. it can be a treasure map of weird associations. draw angry faces next to notes about dead historical figures. whatever works for you.

teachers are resources. ask if you can record lectures. see if they have a google classroom or someplace online where they post notes and powerpoints. ask for websites and further reading. ask for HELP.

study a lot, have fun a lot. i know every day is limited and you're going to be tired all the time. i know. i was there. ib was working us to the bone from the moment we went in to the very last exam. but on the weekends and after school, every now and then do something with your friends that isn't going through your math homework together. see a movie. get coffee, or boba, or tea, or whatever the hell y'all drink these days. go to a museum. find free activities. swim. talk to your friends outside of an academic environment and you will be closer and dearer. and you will not regret it.

you're allowed to disagree with your authority figures. so parents/guardians/teachers. don't overstep your boundaries but as you learn and grow there will be times that they are wrong and you are right. in many different situations... but most especially about you yourself, a person.

reach out. talk to someone when you're hurt. theres going to be a lot of new experiences in high school and some of them will be bad. please talk to your friends. your parents if you can. talk to a teacher you trust. sometimes school counselors suck but part of the job, regardless of if they are doing well or not, is listening to you, and it's meant to be confidential. and if you're worried about someone else for gods sake talk to an adult.

you are still a kid. please don't stress too much about matters that are bigger than you and things that are too much for you to control. you are almost an adult but you are not, you are grown up but you are not. do kid things. you don't need to be super strong, or super mature, or act ten years older than you are. you don't need to prove anything.

pursue your interests, and good things will follow. i mean this in every sense. your health. your mind. your attitude. your college applications. (seriously, everyone has done the volunteer hours and everyone has the grades and everyone has what you have. show that you're human.)

be awkward. be weird. there are so many different kinds of people but someone will be like you, and someone will like you. be happy, and others will see it.

don't put your burdens unnecessarily on other people. or yourself. here's the truth: if all you talk about is how bad you are, how you aren't getting anywhere in life, how the numbers aren't good enough, then no one will stick around for long. you will surround yourself in something bad that people don't want to be around. like mentioned, talk to someone. friends are the most comfortable but not always the most appropriate. im not saying to keep your thoughts to yourself, but adults > other emotional, struggling, hormonal teenagers in terms of being equipped to handle tough situations. people want to help! but when all you talk about is yourself and your trouble, and not listen to other people, talk about things that make you happy... you're going to lose something.

college is a big deal but also not. please don't worry about it until junior and senior year.

failure is inevitable. take it.

surround yourself with people who are better than you, and who you like, and who like you. surround yourself with people who you aspire to be similar to. you will do better and you will want to do better.

keep organized. good god. please do not be like that one guy in my math class. one day my classmate and i got so fed up we cleaned out his backpack for him and shoved things into folders and begged him to stay organized. folders. binders. accordian folders. just use something im pleading you. it's going to be 2 minutes before class and you realize you can't find your homework or turn in a wrinkled, stained paper. also keep some sort of schedule and task list or else you will be that guy that goes "wait we have a TEST today?"

halo effect. first impressions are important, even if you can overcome bad ones. show up on time. sit in the front even though it's scary, because midyear you'll realize you have been doing badly because you sat in the back and can't see or hear over the two girls who gossip in front of you. smile. say hello. ask questions. raise your hand. you can be wrong. you can be wrong. you can ask stupid questions.

ask your teachers if you can eat in class. my 4th period teacher (after lunch) was fine with us eating, so id take lunch to study sometimes and eat then. i always ate breakfast during 1st period bc when i got up it was too early for my body to take more than a little. most teachers are okay as long as the smell isn't strong and lasting, and you clean up. have a snack so you don't crash. don't forget to eat either. please eat lunch, and some teachers will give you snacks if you ask, and if you don't have money please just... ask someone for a share or to borrow some cash. it's okay. you need to eat.

there is so much more. school might be all you know. but stop and enjoy life. if you worry about college you're going to spend 4 years looking forward and not enough at the present, and you're going to lose your precious time. there is so much more.

you're going to change. a lot. you will be a completely different person. that's normal. you're gonna be a little embarrassed. like the person you become, and become a person you like. make good choices. be kind. have heart.

enjoy high school, kid. good luck!!! it was honestly a rewarding and wonderful time, and that was in part bc i made it so.