#but I’ve been seriously thinking about admitting (committing? idk the right word) myself to some sort of hospital

[rosicheeks]

Been thinking about you hon, missed seeing you around. Glad to have you pop up in my feed again ❤️

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 317: My Boy Was Just Like Me

Previously on BnHA: AFO randomly blew up Lady Nagant as a good reminder of why you should never make a deal with this fucking guy, smdh. Hawks was all “well if it isn’t my two best friends, Deku and Lady Nagant, both of whom I respect and love tremendously.” Everyone was all “??” and Horikoshi was all “shh... just pretend” because it was too embarrassing for him to admit that he forgot to write a couple of set-up flashbacks I guess. Anyway so Hawks got Lady to tell them where AFO was hiding out, and everyone said goodbye to her and Overhaul, who never did get to see his boss (sorry buddy, I’ll send you a vial of my tears in the mail), and headed out to a house in the woods. AFO was all “hello Deku :) :) it sure is fun making you suffer :) :) :) anyways this is a trap”, and blew up the house. Yeah, we all here are getting reaaaaaaaal tired of your shit, AFO.

Today on BnHA: The Hawksquad and Edgeplatoon meet in a warehouse and are all “what should we do about the fact that everything sucks?” Mt. Lady is all “here’s a thought, what if we tried battling AFO with more than six people.” Hawks and Endeavor are all “great initiative, but just a friendly reminder that our friends also suck and would probably betray Deku which would suck further still.” Shouto is all “ANSWER THE PHONE DAD” and Endeavor is all “[IRONICALLY DOESN’T ANSWER THE PHONE].” Meanwhile over in Sadtown, capital of Sadland Prefecture, Japan, Deku is all “All Might, as you can clearly see I am completely fine and good, never been better in fact, definitely not caught up in the throes of an epic mental breakdown which is shutting me down emotionally, anyway so on that note I would like to leave you now goodbye!!” All Might is all “[can’t actually form any words because he’s too distraught].” Fandom is all “o(╥﹏╥)o.” Horikoshi is all “(*＾-’) 乃 [pew pew finger guns and barrel rolls into the darkness].”

sweet jesus lord

this literally doesn’t even look like Deku anymore?? this looks like Dark!Deku who shows up to fight you in that one room in the Water Temple. he looks like he’s about to crawl out of my television set and murder me with his psychic powers good lord

holy shit lmao Horikoshi is really just shrugging his shoulders and resolving last week’s cliffhanger with a single line of dialogue

fire is no one’s weakness. idk what other options you’ve got, AFO, but you’re gonna have to go back to the drawing board. maybe try bees or something. I’m just saying. we’re all expecting fire at this point but nobody is expecting bees

anyway so now they’re all sitting in some warehouse somewhere chatting about it I guess. shoutout to Horikoshi for finally giving my man Edgeshot some more dialogue at long last

well, Edgeshot, to answer your question, she exploded. so naturally she’s fine

nah just kidding, Hawks says she won’t be able to help them out much because she’s recovering from being exploded. this is the part where we all ignore the fact that Hawks got set on fire for like a full ten minutes back during the War arc and was only in the hospital for a day. anyways enjoy your temporary plot hiatus Nagant

man there’s a lot of dialogue here and I’m trying to figure out where to insert commentary but it’s kinda difficult lol. basically, Edge and the others are saying that they should gather up the other remaining heroes and get them all caught up on the whole OFA situation. which, hmmmm

like on the one hand, these guys definitely aren’t going to cut it on their own, so it’s a reasonable suggestion on the face of it. but on the other hand, do we really want to entrust the OFA secret to a bunch of other people, most of whom shat the bed during the War arc to be quite frank? is it really worth the additional risk? especially given that any one of them might go spilling the beans to the public -- or worse, betray them to AFO??

also just a quick side note here, Mt. Lady’s character development never ceases to delight me. she’s become so committed to her responsibility as a hero these days, and it fucking suits her. I genuinely consider to be one of the elites now. I mean it doesn’t hurt that all the other elites are fucking dead lol but still

wait what? Death Arms retired??

Death Arms as in the guy who was too afraid of a little fire to try and save a terrified 14-year-old kid who was slowly suffocating right before his eyes?? that Death Arms???? color me surprised. shocked, I tell you

...okay but holy fuck

Death Arms. bro. my expectations for you were low but holy shit. like I’m sorry, but I don’t even have it in me to try and pretend like I feel the slightest bit of sympathy for him or Old Man Samurai or any of those other guys today. thanks for a whole lot of nothing my dude. good riddance

(ETA: so I’m rereading this the next day and realize this comes off as kind of harsh, so let me just try to clarify. it’s not the fact that he’s quitting that bothers me, to be honest. it’s the fact that he’s quitting specifically because he feels like the public is being mean to him. that’s it.

seriously. it would be one thing if he was quitting because he was scared, because now that is human. nobody wants to die, and I doubt any amount of training can ever fully prepare someone to go up against that fear. but the thing is, he never once mentions that, or talks about the danger aspect. instead, I got the distinct vibe from this speech that Death Arms is one of those people who only became a hero because of the limelight. and I just don’t have any patience for that. if all you care about are likes and subscribes then go become a fucking youtuber or some shit. nothing wrong with that! but you didn’t; you signed up to be a hero and protect these people. they gave you their respect and admiration because they trusted you to protect them. and now that they’re no longer in the mood to worship and applaud your every move on account of them being scared shitless because they’re living in the literal end times, you decide to dip. so like okay, fine then. don’t let the door hit you on the way out. anyways lol sorry for the rant.)

anyway so yeah. perfect example of why I don’t exactly have a ton of faith in most of the remaining heroes out there lol. also let me just once again give a shoutout to my best girl Mt. Lady whom I suddenly find myself appreciating all the more

“please calm down makeste. drink some water and enjoy this fresh new jeans pun” listen Horikoshi don’t tell me what to do dammit

fine. it is a nice pun, I guess

-- damn so now Endeavor’s saying that the media is already being fed info by the retired heroes. so for some of these guys it wasn’t enough for them to abandon all the people they swore to protect and to leave their fellow heroes out in the cold; they decided they might as well actively make things worse for them while they were at it, huh. like I get wanting to spill all the dirty secrets from your old job that you just quit, but this isn’t Jeff Bezos you’re screwing over, this is a sixteen-year-old kid

-- like, yes!! this, right here!!

exactly!! let’s not forget that there are already two prior instances of this happening. Endeavor arguably deserved it, but Katsuki not so much

huh. Endeavor seems to have a more optimistic outlook regarding this than I do lol

I mean, this is the same public that didn’t hesitant to blame a kidnapped child for his own kidnapping, and then later on for being the downfall of the Symbol of Peace. but okay then

anyway so blah blah blah, more talk about how they need to use Deku as bait, which basically puts them back at square one, and then they’re all just trailing off into silence and sitting around in the dark lmao this is getting very depressing

SKDJFLSDKJ:LFKJ

SHOUTO?????

NOOOOOOOO ARE YOU KIDDING ME

OH HOW THE TURNTABLES OMG. THE GHOSTER HAS BECOME THE GHOSTEE. Endeavor you petty son of a bitch. and what a brutal cut to that flashback too. “let’s stop Touya together” nah Shouto I’ve got a better idea why don’t I abandon you in U.A. and sally off with Hawks and Jeanist to found the “let’s pretend like we’re doing something to help Deku” club, which basically consists of us sitting around making terrible decisions all day long

Shouto, honey. you deserve better my little Coca Cola can. .........but if you really do have something important you need to tell your dad you could just text it to him. all the love and support, hugs and kisses, you’re doing amazing sweetie. but if you need to pass on any vital information you can just write it down and hit send honey that’s all I’m saying love

now he’s getting another call?? -- or, no, Hawks is getting a call from All Might

ARE YOU FOR REAL HAWKS OMFG

so while you all were sitting around talking about how useless you are, the kid you’re supposed to be protecting was battling another hired gun. I see. please pardon me for one second, I have a phone call to make. the phone call is to RockLockRock and Manual. the reason for the call is to apologize for calling them the worst bodyguards ever back during the War arc. the reason for the apology is because it turns out I WAS SEVERELY MISTAKEN OMFG

JESUS CHRIST DEKU DID YOU JUST KILL THIS MAN LMAO

shoutout to Horikoshi for offscreening this fight. we get it, lol. Deku strong and scary, villains ineffectual and feeble, and AFO... [checks notes] yep, still a dick. the angst arc continues

-- the angst arc continues, SIR

jesus christ I may have to rethink all of my opinions about Deku being framed for murder in movie 3 lmao. never mind. he did it, your honor

holy fucking shit Deku. “he might blow up, so please be careful” fdlskjflk jlskdjflk lwkejflk anyway so I’ve decided the explosion running gag can stay, actually

DEKU WAIT YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH!!

lol why do I get the feeling some serious shit is about to go down. ALL MIGHT NEVER MIND BACK OFF I THINK HE NEEDS HIS SPACE

OH MY FUCK I GASPED OUT LOUD

NO NO NO. I KNEW THIS WAS COMING GODDAMMIT BUT NO. NEVER MIND, I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT IT, I’M NOT READY TO CRY TODAY

shit. shit shit shit shit and OF COURSE all I can fucking think about is that stupid fucking prophecy and gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Deku please. please please please if you really are going to leave All Might here, please be so very careful in choosing your farewell words to him now because have this sudden horrible fear that this might be the last time you ever see him alive and oh god. oh god oh god

DEKU NO, YOU’RE REALLY NOT!?!?

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE LESS FINE IN MY LIFE, ACTUALLY????

holy shit. and the fucking callback to the prophecy now. just in case we forgot. WHICH FYI, WE DIDN’T. but that’s basically confirming that this is all still very much on the table and HORIKOSHI NEVER FORGETS oh my god someone please hold me

and the fact that Deku’s flashing back to it now too, though?? because he never forgot either, because of course he didn’t, and now all this stuff is happening, and AFO’s words are getting to him, and this is literally his worst fear come to life and so of course he’s distancing himself from everyone, and now it’s finally come to even this. even the person he admires most

-- OKAY NO, FUCKING COME ON ALREADY I CAN’T TAKE THIS

I GET IT OH MY GOD, I ALREADY UNDERSTAND THE EMOTIONAL IMPACT OF THIS MOMENT WITHOUT ALL OF THE DEVASTATING FLASHBACKS THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!! YOU ACTUALLY DO WANT ME TO CRY, HUH, IS THAT IT. THIS MAN THAT HE THINKS OF AS A FATHER, THIS MAN WHO HAS BEEN EVERYTHING TO HIM SINCE HE WAS A VERY YOUNG CHILD. EVERYTHING THEY’VE BEEN THROUGH, JUXTAPOSED AGAINST EVERYTHING DEKU IS UP AGAINST, EVERYTHING THAT’S AT RISK. LET’S JUST PUT IT ALL SIDE BY SIDE. LET’S JUST PILE ON ALL OF THE FEELS

(ETA: just a quick note that even though some of the posts I’ve read have described these as All Might’s flashbacks, I’m pretty sure they are Deku’s. most of these are scenes that only he was there for, so yeah. even though All Might is the one thinking the thoughts on the next page, the flashbacks are what’s running through Deku’s mind right now, and so we’re getting that emotion from both of them, which makes it extra devastating lol.)

wait, what???

WHAT??? do you really think that’s why he’s been so determined to protect you this entire time?? simply because you’re his successor?

-- oh no wait lol I think I got that mixed up, this is All Might saying that Deku feels the need to protect him. well that makes more sense lol

oh my god I cannot

his last words. his last words to him. and we can’t even see if he is smiling, like All Might always encouraged him to do. but what are the odds he can’t actually bring himself to do it. what are the odds he’s actually crying. oh god this scene is going to rip my heart out and STOMP on it in the anime isn’t it. Deku’s VA is going to full on murder me with emotion. not that there’ll be much of me left to murder after the thorough job that Horikoshi has already done here

YOU’RE CRYING. DEKU IS LEAVING ALL MIGHT AND IGNORING HIS OUTSTRETCHED HAND AND YOU’RE CRYING. AND BY “YOU” I MEAN “ME”, FUCK

nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope no words just feels just a big ol’ pile of feels. I do not have the strength. future me... [broadly gestures] good luck with all that

(ETA: LOL, WELL THEN.

what breaks my heart here is All Might. All Might, and everything he’s been through, and history repeating itself, and forcing him to live this moment from both sides because he wasn’t strong enough to fix things.

Toshinori had only just turned eighteen when Nana died. like, I feel like we don’t mention this enough. the All Might we know is a sixty-something-year-old man, and so everyone always talks about him like he’s basically been an adult forever. but he was a child when he met Nana. and he was still just a child when she died. barely a year older than Deku is now. younger than Mirio was when we first met him.

and we don’t talk about that. we don’t talk about how devastating that was for him. and we don’t talk about how the reason he grew up to become so reserved and withdrawn -- for all that he always tried so hard to outwardly project the image of a bold, confident, smiling hero -- was specifically because of what AFO did to him. because AFO targeted him in the exact way that he is now targeting Deku. because that’s what he does. he goes after every new user of OFA, and he finds out what’s most important to them, and then he destroys it. and for Toshinori, that was Nana. if you’ve read All Might Rising, you know that AFO basically killed her in front of him (and only killed her, while letting Toshinori and Gran get away). Toshinori (while crying) later says she was like a mother to him. and interestingly enough, during this same conversation, Gran tells Toshinori that he can see “that madness in [his] eyes” when Toshi talks about becoming strong enough to defeat AFO. madness in his eyes. sound familiar??

what’s happening to Deku now is the exact same thing that happened to Toshinori when he was a boy. AFO tried every bit as hard to break him as he’s trying with Deku now. “the path you’ve chosen is a thorny one. every battle grinds away at your soul with no end in sight.” we don’t talk about how Toshinori experienced this same thing for forty fucking years. and all the while isolating himself, exactly like Deku is doing now. pushing people away, exactly like Deku. because he never had anyone who was able to reach out and pull him back. and those words that he now finds himself frozen and unable to speak -- “don’t push yourself”; “you can rest” -- are the same words that no one ever said to him until decades later, when it was already far too late to make any difference.

everything that Deku is experiencing now is what Toshinori also went through. and it’s only now, as he watches it happen to his student, the boy he loves like a son, that he’s finally starting to realize the full extent of how wrong it was. you shouldn’t have to fight alone. you shouldn’t have to bear that kind of enormous burden alone. you shouldn’t have to push yourself, and you can rest. you can rest.

but it’s too late. just as he’s finally coming to understand it all, it’s all too fucking late. and he can’t say the words, he doesn’t know how to say the words, and then just like that, Deku is gone.

and he’s alone. again.)

I can’t. this can’t be their goodbye. I’m not ready. for this to be how they finally part, and then they never see each other again except in OFA. how is that fair. how is that fair. how is that fair

fuck me. lol. how many pages are left in this thing. let’s just wrap this up lol. so now of all the times for this fucking guy to finally show up

I can’t believe Stain has been here literally this entire time hiding behind this random wall and cutting onions. that was you who was cutting the onions, right. no need to answer that we’ll just say it was

HORIKOSHI JUST END THE CHAPTER PLEASE I’M OUT OF SPOONS. YOU HURT ME SO GOOD AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT BUT YOU NEED TO LET ME GO NOW SO I CAN BEGIN THE PROCESS OF TRYING TO PUT MY LIFE BACK IN ORDER HERE. SO WHERE ARE WE CUTTING TO NOW WHAT IS HAPPENING

Stain did you also let AFO give you a new quirk. what’s with you guys. do you like blowing up

oh nvm lol because they were talking about THIS GUY ohhhhhh my fucking god

THAT’S BECAUSE HE’S SAD, LINDA!! jesus

omfg. and so yes, good, the chapter is ending here now on page 15. for once I am FULLY on board with that lmao

anyway so tune in next week for more adventures of Werewolf Deku!! that is, assuming we don’t finally cut back to U.A. at long last, which is actually a strong possibility considering that this chapter will likely mark the end of volume 31. it sure wouldn’t kill Horikoshi to start giving us some hope after everything he’s just put us through lol. KACCHAN COME GET YA BOY

[bthump]

Ok so my question is... why do you (and other people from what ive seen) interpret what happened btw griffith & gennon as rape? When i read it, it seemed pretty unambiguously consensual - as in, G obviously wasnt into the old man dick lol but he independently decided to have sex with gennon in exchange for money. Like, prostitution is a thing you can consent to. Am I missing something here? genuinely asking btw - im super new to berserk so idk a lot of stuff that may seem obvious

Short answer:

Because he’s an underaged kid. In the manga he meets Guts when he’s about 15 so he’s younger than that when he meets Gennon. Probably at least a couple years younger, based on Casca’s little “then time passed and a lot more people died and I became a veteran and finally you showed up and ruined everything” on the first page of chapter 18. It’s therefore inarguably rape whether or not the characters or even the narrative recognize it as such. Children can’t consent to sex with adults even if they verbally agree.

(To be fair and give some general benefit of the doubt some fans might miss this because the ovas aged Griffith up for some reason and now a lot of people incorrectly think Griffith is three years older than Guts. I’ve seen this on the Berserk wiki, eg. But there’s no suggestion of this in the manga, the closest we get to finding out how old he is is Guts thinking they’re about the same age.)

Long answer about narrative intent:

While you could potentially argue that while it would be rape irl, that doesn’t necessarily mean Miura intended us to read it as non-consensual (I mean again to be really fair I’ve used that argument myself for other scenes lol, Miura is pretty hit or miss with his ability to narratively acknowledge when something he writes is rapey), I don’t think that argument would hold up here.

Gennon is introduced as a pedophilic serial rapist, which should automatically suggest to the reader that Griffith describing the encounter as “seducing an old man” isn’t an objective statement of fact. The way most of chapter 17 is focused on Griffith lying to himself in various ways, and culminates in him saying he’s fine when he’s so obviously not just underlines Griffith’s unreliability as a narrator further. Even if Griffith did say yes, or even proposed the arrangement himself, Gennon is still a predator taking advantage of his youth, his guilt, and his need for money, and the narrative is aware of this.

Plus in the river Griffith demonstrates trauma even if he denies it outloud, when he asks Casca if he’s dirty, when he self-harms, even just in his closed-off awkward body language and the fact that Casca finds him trying to scrub himself clean in a river the next morning. And Griffith refusing to acknowledge it as rape is perfectly ic and v illustrative for someone whose character basically revolves around refusing to admit to weakness and presenting himself as far more infallible than he actually is. I legit think it would be out of character for Griffith to frame his encounter with Gennon in a way that suggests he wasn’t completely in control, but his actions, and the surrounding narrative context, belie his words.

On a thematic level child sexual abuse, especially in regards to bodies being sold, is pretty significant in the Golden Age. It’d just be sloppy (and offensive) writing if we’re supposed to assume that one of the multiple examples we see of a pedophile buying sex with a child doesn’t count as csa because the kid said he seduced the adult (right before violently self-harming). And yeah Miura is that sloppy sometimes lol, but again, based on how the scene is presented this doesn’t seem like one of those times.

On a plot level the fact that the encounter traumatized Griffith is actually used to create narrative tension during the battle of Doldrey, because Casca is worried that the prospect of facing Gennon again may be making him irrational. Granted she’s wrong in this case because Griffith is pro at burying his feelings, but her worries are meant to be the reader’s worries, and they’re not unfounded.

And when Griffith kills him and denies giving a fuck again, it’s part of a larger consistent pattern of Griffith pretending not to care about things that seriously emotionally affect him. If Griffith says something is irrelevant to him, it’s pretty much safe to assume that it’s not lol. Especially when those scenes include telling moments like this:

Finally you got all the little details that add up, like Gennon waxing poetic about the first time he had sex with Griffith while looking forward to the prospect of raping him, which naturally compares the past and present, or how each of our Golden Age protagonists kill their rapist or attempted rapist themselves by stabbing them, another pattern this fits, or the subtle implication that Gennon’s been overtly creeping on Griffith from a distance in the interrim

and this is why Griffith knew he’d shoot himself in the foot just to capture him alive.

Basically tl;dr Gennon is narratively presented as one of the story’s many rapists, and as Griffith’s rapist in particular. Even if Griffith himself doesn’t acknowledge it, it’s a traumatizing instance of statutory rape with significant fallout for the characters and plot committed by an unambiguous predator, and that’s how the story consistently depicts it.

[bekahdoesnerdshit]

no one else has reblogged ask meme Mondays so I'm just going fucking apeshit with u. from the big boy: b7 for raini bc it's funny, c1 for cog bc it's inchresting, h3 for brilliance bc I know there's some gay shit going on and I want to hear more, then a17 (character proud of themselves or ur proud of ur rp as them) L5 and L6 for whomsoever u want to talk about

I won’t need a readmore for this one, I tell myself. There’s not that many questions, and they’re not proseboys. I was a fool. She’s too long to be allowed to run on people’s dashboards unrestrained 😔 Thank you! For going apeshit!!

Raini

B7. How do they respond to babies crying in public? I guarantee the image you have for how Raini would react to a crying baby is 10000% correct. She’s unhappy. Uncomfortable. Unimpressed. Can you please make that thing be quiet. Why did you have it if you can’t mange it. This is why she’s never having kids. Like she’s not gonna say anything to the parents or shoot them dirty looks, because she’s not that specific flavor of asshole, but she’s going Mind Her Business and vacate the premises if possible. People who want to take care of something should just get a cat. Goddamn. There is ONE (1) baby that may qualify for an exception, and that’s Red. This is because (and please, picture Raini, the absolute picture of ‘fed up’, squatting down to look a fussy Red in the eye while she says this) “Baby Lent. You’re better than this. I know you are, and you’re letting me down. You need to stop making that noise.” This is unrelated to the question, but please also picture a Raini who was asked (blackmailed?) into babysitting using her Mage Hand to change Red’s diaper. It has nothing to do with the question but I think it’s a Very funny mental image. Thank you.

Cog

C1. Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it? Absolutely! The way Cog approaches the world is defined by three main mantras: - Kindness is a discipline, not a character trait. - Doing the right thing isn’t always easy, but it is always worth doing. - If you are able to help someone, you have an obligation to do so. Between these three things, Cog sees the world in pretty black and white terms. There are right decisions, and wrong ones. The difference between the two is usually clear to anyone who cares to look, and so most of the evil in the world is born of selfishness. Consequently, Cog does very poorly in morally grey situations. She will commit without hesitation to any course of action that she deems “right” and “kind” no matter how drastic or dangerous it is, but she pretty much shuts down the second she’s faced with a decision that has consequences for someone regardless of what she does.  I’m sure that has not, and will not, come in her life ever at all. Ahah!  I think originally, this worldview was born of naivety. She grew up that religious kind of super sheltered where everything in the secular world was dangerous and dirty, and so when Cog began to realize that definitely wasn’t the case she made the choice to intentionally see the best in people and the world around her to fight what she was told growing up. When she started traveling with her party and actually seeing more of the world than the extremes of a) shitty cult town b) shiny clean magic school, she began to realize that the true state of the Wasteland was somewhere between what her Mama had told her and what she wanted to believe it was. But I’ve never in my life made a character who is stubborn as hell deep down, so instead of letting the world she found herself in change her Cog took a deep breath, rolled up her sleeves, and settled in to be the one changing it by loving and helping the people around her.

Brilliance

H3. Does your OC believe there’s only one ideal partner (or multiple ideal if not monogamous) for everyone, or that there are many people who could be right? I think Brilliance absolutely adores the idea of two people being made for one another. Two souls, wandering the world looking for one another? Who slot together so perfectly that when they find each other it’s clear they never could have fit anywhere else? Bruh. Yes, she knows love takes work. Sometimes you and your partner are going to disagree, and sometimes there’s going to be conflict. The world isn’t “love at first sight” then smooth sailing for the rest of your life. But you put in the work to make your lives better, together, because the universe gave you this person to care for. Maybe there are many people who you could be happy with, and those relationships aren’t anything to look down on. But when you find The One, Brilliance thinks, you know. She certainly did.

Don’t Worry About It

A17. What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves? Gonna hijack this question to talk about rp moments I’m proud of because Alex sorta kinda gave me permission to do that! Alright! For Raini, the biggest rp moment I’m proud of was her “I’m getting our memories back” speech a few sessions ago, specifically the line, “We’ve been fighting with one hand tied behind our backs for too long. If we’re going to die fighting this thing, I want to know exactly what I’m fighting for.” Morgan and I had been planning to kick off our return from July Hell Hiatus with Wish Two for a couple of days, which meant I was lucky enough to be able to spend a little while planning what to say. I feel like that line in particular embodies Raini’s unwavering confidence in her magic, her determination, and her specific brand of caring for the people around her without actually admitting that’s what she’s doing. I also really liked the way the scene of her apologizing to the party for being Bitchy post losing Magic for a minute went! Idk if anyone else remembers it, because it was pretty short in game, but! I thought it was a very good moment of Raini finding the most Roundabout way to say “thank you for looking out for me while I was defenseless”.  If I can pat myself on the back a little, my Cog monologues kick Ass. The most recent one was when she was talking to Ace about how War is Bad (radical, I know) and there was a moment where she looked at him and said, “...I’m not going to ask for your help, because I don’t know what I’ll do if I do and you say no.” Which. OOF. That was her and I realizing in real time that she and Ace were very much on different sides of this issue. When the session ended everyone said they Loved how good and hurtful that conversation was and I :’) Also, there was a really small moment when Cog was pleading for Maelo’s life (when Sunny’s dad had him locked in a cat carrier. It’s a Long story, made slightly better by the fact that Maelo was wildshaped into a cat at the time) and Cog went Straight for the dad heartstrings by sniffling and asking if, please, would Robert at least let her say goodbye to her friend before he killed him? Please? 😢  She is using her baby face for EVIL!  And oh my god how could I forget! Arcane Timeout! When the party went back to New Alexandria and was confronted by Ace for helping a prisoner escape (which, in fairness, Maelo did do) and Cog brought the encounter screeching to a halt by casting Wall of Stone to make a timeout hut with herself and Ace inside. She then sat herself down, looked Ace dead in the eye, and told him that the wall wasn’t coming down until he actually talked to her, or until he broke her concentration on the spell. She banked hard on him not being willing to hurt her, and it paid off. There were tears all around, both in and out of character. It was Wonderful. Also! I do just want recognition for the fact that I did not give into my impulses to be a little Shit as Cog last session by subtle casting Heal in Ace’s face after he Counterspelled my Healing Word. it was what I Rebekah wanted to do more than anything; unfortunately Cog is a better person than I am. There is No worse feeling than wanting so badly to do something you have no choice but to admit isn’t in character. Rip.  For whatever reason, all of my favorite Brilliance rp moments came during combat. Pressing her forehead to Sabre’s after he died in silent grief, forcefully taking a Narzugon off his Nightmare and then using Misty Step to mount it herself and take off after her friend, planting herself in the chokepoint of a hallway to stare down three minotaurs so she could keep her party safe behind her, pushing deeper into the hellwasp nest to rescue Dembe and Sabre despite knowing that doing so all but destroyed her chance of making it out alive, the list goes on. There were good out of combat moments too (despite the rest of the party’s best efforts 🙄), but I feel like for once I made a character who really shone in combat.  oh GOD I just remembered one really really good rp moment, when our rogue Zihro died when he got separated from the party during combat. We finished taking care of the main devil we were fighting, then began searching the dungeon for Zihro and the npc he was with. We, instead, found both of their corpses. Dembe looked to Brilliance, our healer, and demanded to know why she was just standing there instead of fixing their friend. We were only level three or four at the time, so Brilliance had to tell Dembe, again and again, that she couldn’t fix Zihro. It was too late, she wasn’t powerful enough yet, her goddess wouldn’t answer a prayer like that- It was a rough scene, and without question one of the best rp moments I’ve had with that group. Tae, if you’re reading this, you’re the only one with rights. Also, please unfollow this blog immediately.  Now as a quick pick-me-up after that mess, Pip’s best rp moment was when our barbarian Durokal -who couldn’t read and had a habit of running off and causing Problems- found a plaque he could tell had five words on it, and called Pip over to read it for him when Pip finished chasing him down. Pip, annoyed and out of breath and all of two feet tall, looked up at this 7 foot half-orc and told him, “It says: I’m. Gonna. Kick. Your. Ass.” Also, he regularly called very powerful figures in Barovia by sweet nicknames with “Mr.” in the front. As a sign of Respect. Because he’s the Best. sdfhsdkfj he also he couldn’t think of a fake name quick enough one time so he told an npc that is name was Dick and he was Very embarrassed about it. She: bought it!

Brilliance, Again

L5. Which OC do you think is the most decent morally or behaviorally?  AKA, which is supposed to a “good guy”? The answer is Cog, but we already went in depth on her morals this ask. She’s HAD enough screen time let’s move on. Brilliance is the only other character who, if asked, would say they saw themselves as a good guy instead of just “a person”. She strives to do right by the people around her, and to protect the light and beauty found in the world. She doesn’t have the same illusions about the world wanting to be a good place that Cog does, and she very much understands that sometimes the best thing you can do for the world is to put the things that make it dangerous six feet under. What’s interesting I think is that, despite being a paladin, she isn’t Lawful Good! She’s Neutral Good, because you know what? She wants to do the right thing, and laws aren’t always right. It’s up to you, as a person with a mind and free will and agency, to look at a situation and decide what you think is the right thing to do. And, for Brilliance, generally the right thing to do is heft her sword, raise her shield, and face trouble head on.

Raini, Once More

L6. Which OC do you think is the worst morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to be a “bad guy”? I don’t have any evil aligned characters, because I personally find things like “getting along with my party members” sexy, but the character who’s the shittiest and the worst is obviously Raini. She’s not a bad person per say, she’s just selfish and results oriented. Very much “the ends justify the means” and in a party like hers she’s aware that somebody has to be the bad guy sometimes, and she’s not afraid to make sure that’s her. She’s also very very likely to fall victim to her hubris making her feel like she definitely knows what’s best, and acting on that maybe without consulting other people (see: the whole fucking premise of the campaign). She sees a goal, she sees a way to accomplish that goal, so why shouldn’t she begin taking the necessary steps to reach it? I think the events of the game have mellowed this flaw out a little bit, but you can still see traces of it in the way she, for example, wordlessly handed Lent a bunch of diamonds before launching her consciousness into the Abeast and very nearly dying in there without consulting with the party first. It happens!  Also, behaviorally, she’s just. I mean. She’s like that. The worst. And that, I promise, will never change. 

[skylightsofmylife]

1-86 pleaseeeeee

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

Nope. I’m demi so it’s all about personality

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

Most definitely

3. Are you a virgin?

Take an educated guess based on my girlfriend’s post

4. Are you in a relationship?

Extremely happily so

5. Are you in love?

Hey babe! Are we in love? I forgot. 

6. Are you single this year?

I can’t see the future but I seriously hope not, I’m kinda smitten with this girl who sends me asks…

7. Can you commit to one person?

Prefer to actually

8. Describe your crush

Oh, let’s see. She’s a dork, with a sense of humor, has the most adorable smile, always knows how to cheer me up, might have a really hot haircut or something???

9. Describe your perfect mate

Kitten (She knows what this means)

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Love is blind, she don’t work based on sight

11. Do you ever want to get married?

If the moment felt right, yes. *adds honeymoon to gift registry* 

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

Regrettably, yes *massive eye roll at self*

13. Do you get jealous easily?

I might have a little bit of a green monster in me, *green monster shouts* a little, who are you trying to fool

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

15. Do you have any piercings?

Yeppers, pretty sure I’m naked enough on here you can find it easily

16. Do you have any tattoos?

A phobia of having ink on my skin keeps me from getting them

17. Do you like kissing in public?

Babe, we are still making out in the middle of the airport next time right? 

20. Do you shower every day?

Yes, in the tears of my enemies, mwahahahahha, again, who am I kidding. It’s my own tears cause I have estrogen coursing through my veins

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

She better for making me answer all of these

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

*sends nood to GF* yep pretty sure someone is

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

What even is this questions? If you can’t do this may I suggest polyamory my dear

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

I honestly don’t know, it’s something I have resisted for a very long time but recently my feelings have changed on it because of someone

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

I hope so being I am

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Ditto baby girl

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

Poem, yes. Does a theme song count?

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

I’d have to resort to calculus to get the exact number of times it’s happened it’s so numerous at this point

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

Per the previous question, I know how much it hurts first hand and could never bring myself to inflict that kind of pain on someone

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

*Giant book thuds on counter* Story time children. I’d have my nose thinned and shaven down, chin rounded and cleft removed, hairline rounded, ears pinned, love handles removed, maybe boobs just to round them; don’t really want bigger. Having the major one I want in two days. 

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

*gets out the tear bucket* oh, we come prepared around these parts. Flooding and leakage is imminent 

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Maybe, idk. I have a rather unique experience that keeps me from falling in love with people who don’t feel the same

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

I wish I could say no

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Girl what that tongue do? 

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yep. 

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Like, all of them

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Probably, in high school

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Oh definitely. But usually that ends up being your best friend

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

I honestly don’t know if I couldn’t have her… just never asked

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

Lots of poems, had an ex that loved them so I would leave them as notes on my pillow since I got up way earlier

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

Just a little bit

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

What are we counting as wandering? Touching hips/waist, not very long. Anywhere else I can make out for hours without hands roaming.

43. How long was your longest relationship?

3 years (woot for psychology being so predictable for the end of the honeymoon phase)

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

Not many actually. Discounting the one I was in against my will, 3.

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

Why y’all gotta pick my hoe/college years?! Give me a sec to count… 8?

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

Not a lot… Maybe 10 times? It’s somewhere around there. (All with the same person mind you)

47. How old are you?

Some would say I look good for 428

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

Good for them honestly. I’ve been in this situation but I always put other peoples’ happiness before mine. 9 times out of 10 I end up helping them get with the person they like

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

She keeps me grounded. No matter what she can always make my darkest day brighter just by being there. (Also the hair)

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Leave the gifts, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Oh, and let people decide things for themselves

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

Mostly anything, yes

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

I wouldn’t say given up but more so realized we were fundamentally different people and things would never work between us

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

I mean probs. Maybe not mad but there’s definitely someone jealous out there

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

Yes, friends I have had to move away from due to mental health issues

55. Share a relationship story.

Jess, just read our texts. Everyone else, Jess is reading our texts

56. State 8 facts about your body

Pokemon #188

57. Things you want to say to an ex

If you’re going to cheat have the decency to break up with your partner first or be able to admit your wrong instead of finding flaws in your partner to exploit and make them feel like it’s their fault

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

Be easy to talk to, have emotional intelligence, love me for who I am not what you want me to be, make me laugh, *cough cough - cover your eyes children* make me moan loudly (sorry, not sorry)

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/skylightsofmylife search #me

Jess, just look at your photos

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

7  years

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

The way they talk

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

Whisper in my ear what they want to do to me (unless they are a stranger then it’s creepy, cause both have happened)

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Oral or anything that penetrates (that includes fingers and toys)

64. What is your definition of cheating?

Anything beyond non-sexual flirting

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

Oh goodness, babe here’s your playbook. Shove me against a wall, throw my hands above my head, kiss my mouth just a little then go straight for the neck. Once you’ve done that for a little, take a hand and put it under my shirt and scratch (HARD) from my under-bust to my pant-line. Take me to a bed and push me onto it rather hard, straddle me kiss my mouth and neck some more, whisper what you’re going to do next in my ear, take my clothes off, kiss my breasts and stomach, after that a little gently play *down there* and I’m yours. 

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

N/A

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Backyard movie date; with a sheet, projector, and a picnic basket

68. What is your sexual orientation?

I put lesbian in my bio because it’s easier and I only date women/non-binary/gnc. But the whole thing is demi pansexual, homoromantic. 

69. What turns you off?

Weirdly my biggest turn off is getting my hair wet. No idea why

70. What turns you on?

Running a hand up my inner thigh

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

I’m honestly not sure… my sex dreams often include consent cause it’s a big deal to me so they typically don’t get far because that’s the majority of it

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

Fuck, that feels amazing, don’t stop doing that *moan*, my name, Jess knows the last one

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Buy me an outfit just because they think it would look cute on me

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

Smile?

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Found a private showing of my favorite movie on Valentine’s day

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

Probably cooked a 3 hour meal just because I knew they liked it that much

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

So long as it’s legal and consensual I really don’t care. I personally will not date beyond the 7 years I’ve already done but that’s just a personal choice

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

Probably my needle fetish

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

About 5 years ago. My ex was leaving me for the person they said they had no feelings for

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Like an hour ago

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

Jess, Jess, Jess, Jess, and Jess

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

My mom

83. Who was your first kiss with?

A narcissist who ended up using me in the end so I’d rather not name them 

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

Because I wasn’t cis-enough

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

Oh hey babe!

For real, fuck you Jess. I’m packing now. Unless you wanna do 65…..

[wormwoodandasphodel]

Why are you pro-Snape, when you’ve even admitted yourself in a previous post that he’s a petty, miserable abuser?

Okay, I think it’s a bit of a misrepresentation of my words to say that I called him an abuser; I said his actions were an abuse of power. I won’t say that Snape didn’t ever abuse Harry/others because I think abuse is a very subjective thing. I can say that I hesitate to say he was abusive because none of his students were traumatized by him, but I realize that other people would disagree with what constitutes abuse and I don’t think their opinions are invalid. But I will say it is possible to engage in abusive behavior without being an abuser per se (in a connotative way, that is), i.e. virtually all the characters (particularly adult characters) in the series do things that could accurately be labeled abuse without being abusers (including characters like Hagrid, McGonagall, and Hermione). And every person on this earth has done things that are abusive, so either every last person is an abuser or we draw a line somewhere else.

Also, being miserable isn’t really a moral failing? Like… everyone’s been miserable at some point, and like… that doesn’t make you a bad person? Besides, Snape has earned the right to be miserable many times over.

I’d actually go so far as to say I actively and shamelessly enjoy his pettiness. It’s not admirable, but it’s understandable, relatable, interesting, and, quite frequently, funny. He’s practically the embodiment of spite as an aesthetic.

But to actually answer the question, I like him for a lot of reasons, not least of all because he doesn’t let his misery, pettiness, or meanness stop him from doing the right thing. His unwavering commitment to saving people (seriously, take a shot every time he saves someone), protecting the students, and defeating Voldemort, even unto death, IS admirable. He’s literally willing to do anything for the sake of Harry, the other students, the Order, and the wizarding world in general, even when it’s a thankless, lonely, miserable job that he doesn’t want to do with all of his soul, he still does it. There’s also the fact that he’s immensely talented (shots again), like the only thing he can’t do is be nice. I think his ability to be a spy is particularly impressive, not only because he can retain his composure in graphic circumstances that he desperately doesn’t want to happen, but also because he’s perfectly sleek and lies so smoothly that Voldemort doesn’t have the slightest inkling that he’s not loyal and hasn’t been for years. There’s also that fact that so much about his life is comparable to my own that I can’t not like him, because I see myself, even when it’s not nice or pretty, sometimes it’s reality, and sometimes the way you react and cope and handle things isn’t the way you want to be but you don’t know how to be better, and that’s something that you see a lot of in Snape, and it’s something that a lot of people don’t want to admit to. But none of us are perfect, myself definitely included, and I’m not going to be the one to throw stones when I’d be a huge hypocrite to do so. Idk, I think for many of us, liking Snape is sort of an extension of accepting our own flawed selves, and, weirdly, a reminder to keep trying to be and do better and to not get stuck making the same mistakes. I could go on but I’ve said more than enough. I am not trying to change your mind or anything, but hopefully you can understand.

[fwancus]

Untitled

(A short fic based on Day 1 of the Writer’s Digest Two Weeks of Daily Prompts e-book. yes, judge me.)

Pairing: USxUK (Not in any order)

Tags: Divorce mention, not very sad though, idk

Alfred slowly sat up from his shared mattress, looking over at the sleeping blonde man beside him. Arthur was normally someone who would bring a smile to his face no matter what, but as of recent times, enjoyment was something that Alfred was having difficulty finding with his husband.

 He stood up firmly from the bed, his toes curling from the cold hardwood floor, and reached over to pull his shirt off. He walked slowly over to the bathroom, sighing along with the creak of the shower faucet as he ran the water. Stepping inside, he allowed himself to stand beneath the stream, his head hanging low. The water was much too hot, but he didn’t mind to lower it. Nothing could sting his skin as much as what he was about to do.

 He cleaned himself, the washcloth leaving raised red scratches over his skin as he tried to scrub the regret from his skin. Tears streamed from Alfred’s eyes, he knew that Arthur would not take this well. After six years of marriage, Arthur would not take this well at all.

 He turned, twisting the faucet handle down and sighing as the pounding water reduced to a stream, growing thinner and thinner until only crystalline droplets fell from the rainwater shower head. When he stepped out of the bathroom, Arthur was still sleeping, but his change of position was indication that he’d be up soon. Instead of nudging him to consciousness, Alfred dressed himself quickly in a loose white t-shirt, smoothing out the v-neck before stepping into black jeans. He kicked on a pair of shoes, grabbing his phone and glasses and stepping out of the bedroom.

 Downstairs, he leaned against the kitchen counter, looking at the cookware around them. They had built the kitchen together, quite literally from the ground up. It was an outer addition to the house, they had raised the walls together. There were arguments, but they were silly fights that the couple laughed about now. It was a beautiful outcome, despite their differing opinions on interior design. He shook the thoughts from his head, knowing from experience that hesitation would only make this worse. He grabs a muffin from the microwave, walking out the front door and down to his car.

 He drove to his work at a local coffee parlor, sighing as he tilts his head back as he waits in the rear staff parking lot. He unlocks his phone, sighing as he sees a text from Arthur. 

“Hey. You left early for work, everything okay?”

 Alfred halted slightly as he thought of a response. His options were to lie, and say that he was fine, only to surprise Arthur with the breakup text during lunch break because he simply can’t bring himself to do it in person; Or, he could send aforementioned breakup text now. He decided on the latter.

 “Arthur. I’m not sure if you’ve been able to tell, but lately it’s been really difficult for me to enjoy time spent with you.” Alfred read over the message, sighing and backspacing until only ‘Arthur’ was left. Too harsh.

 “Arthur, I love you. But I can’t do this anymore.”

 No, too cliche.

 “Arthur, I want to breakup. It’s not you, it’s me.”

 Way too cliche.

 Alfred began to think. Lord knows thinking is not a good thing to do at this hour of the morning. Nevertheless, he was thinking that if it was so hard to think of a way to breakup with Arthur, should he be breaking up with him in the first place? Alfred shook his head, pounding the thought away immediately. He had known he wanted this for several months, nearly a year, and hesitating would only lead to more misery and a much more violent outcome.

“Arthur, we’ve known each other for almost seventeen years. We met in high school, and for how much we fucked with each other, I think we both expected it to end in marriage. But what neither of us could have expected on the day we signed our vows six years ago, is what I am about to say.” There we go, that was sounding better. “I value you as a person, you have a sense of humor, no matter how hard it is to believe that; you have a lot of tact, and you can sense when I’m a bit down; and if I didn’t say you were hot as hell, I would be lying. Because you are hot. You have one of the most gorgeous bodies and personalities that any man could ever ask for, and I thank you for sharing it with me for the time that you did.” He sighs, and tears began to bead at his waterline.

“But I don’t think marriage was the right choice. I think we rushed it. We were engaged at fifteen, way too young, and the second we turned eighteen we began to finalize things. Neither of us ever really stopped to think about the commitment that marriage is. I thank god in these recent days that all of the conversations we had about adopting kids ended in ‘no’, because I’m breaking up with you. I’m not leaving, god no, I want to continue knowing you for the rest of my life. But I can’t be in a romantic situation with you anymore. And I know texting this to you is a sucky, douche thing to do, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you up-front. We can talk more when I get home.”

Alfred’s thumb faltered over the ‘send’ button, and he reread the message nearly ten times. He tried to imagine how Arthur’s face would twist when he read it, trying to comfort himself, but he quickly found that the image was causing adverse effects. He sighs, pressing his finger down, watching the message pop up into the chat and a small ‘D’ appear next to it for ‘delivered’. And he also watched as that ‘D’ turned into an ‘R’ for ‘read’, and he immediately shoved his phone into his pocket to avoid Arthur’s immediate response. But it was too late.

 “Come home. Now. I need to see you, please.”

Alfred sighed, looking at his dashboard for an excuse. Maybe he would tell Arthur he didn’t have enough gas to go back and forth, but his tank was over 3/4 full. He could say his boss gave him strict hours today, but Arthur knew his boss and he also knew that he was way too relaxed to be strict on his employees. His mind scrambled for reason, anything - anything - to avoid Arthur’s tearful eyes. But he couldn’t.

 “Okay. On my way.”

Alfred was silent as he drove, trying to think of what he would say to calm Arthur. But he didn’t need to. When he got home, Arthur wasn’t bawling on the couch as he had expected. Arthur was sitting, looking at a photo album for sentiments, one leg folded over the other. He looked fine.

“Arthur?”

 The man looked up, smiling, but with a sad undertone. “You know, I can’t say I wasn’t expecting this. You really don’t hide your feelings very well.”

 Alfred paused. “What?”

 Arthur rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Come on, what am I supposed to think when you turn off the TV during breakup scenes in movies, or change the conversation when I joke about it at dinner? It was obvious that you were feeling this way, especially when I asked you about adopting and you almost screamed at me not to. That’s not what you would normally do.” He sighs, looking down, “I’ll admit, I did think you’d be mature enough to talk to me about this face-to-face, but I can understand why you didn’t.”

 Alfred frowned, rubbing the back of his neck. “Art, I’m sorry. I really am, but whenever I thought about saying it in person, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it and it would only further my silence and make things worse. I’m sorry.” He looks up with a bit of bittersweet hope, “Are you saying that…you’re okay with this?”

 “Oh, lord no.” Arthur sighed, “I’m devastated. No matter how much I knew it was coming, I couldn’t brace my heart for the impact those words had on me. I’m scared, I am, of living alone after all we’ve been through. I’m not okay with this at all, but I can’t force you to be with me.”  Alfred frowned. There it was. “Well, you know, this doesn’t mean that we’ll, like, never talk to each other again. I told you that I still want to be friends. I don’t want either of us to be completely alone in life.”  Arthur slowly nods, sighing. “Who gets to stay here?”

 The question was abrupt, and Alfred wasn’t expecting it. “Uh, to be honest, I really like it here. It’s not that far from my work, so I don’t waste a lot of gas. And to be fair, you work from home, so…” Alfred trailed off, knowing that Arthur understood what he was asking.

 “Alright. If I can’t find some place by the end of the week, I’ll rent the couch in my brother’s house for a few nights. He’ll just have to deal with it.” Arthur sighs, “But that nice complex opened just around the corner last month, I’m sure they must have a vacancy or two. I can find a flat there.”

Alfred minded to correct ‘flat’ to ‘apartment’, but knew it would do no good in the situation. “Yeah..If you want any furniture, you can have the love seat and one of the coffee tables. You can also have your desk, obviously, and I’ll buy you a new dining table. And I’ll move it all. It’s the least I can do to apologize…”

 Arthur smiles a bit. “That’s a hard offer to accept, but I think I deserve it. You ended six years of marriage with a text, and then kicked me out of a house that I helped build.”

Alfred laughed, knowing that Arthur wasn’t seriously upset and meant the statement as a joke in the first place, shaking his head. “Yeah, I’m kicking you out. Fuck the end of the week, I want you out by 2 o’clock this afternoon.”

Arthur smiles, shrugging his shoulders and looking to meet Alfred’s eyes. “I’d say I’m going to miss you, but for one I know you won’t leave me alone for the next few months, and two, your humor isn’t something to miss.” Arthur grinned, and Alfred pouted and crossed his arms.

 “Heyyy, that wasn’t a very nice thing to say.” Alfred waved his finger back and forth in a mocking manner, and Arthur smiled.

 “I’ve said a lot of not-very-nice things, and you’ve never seemed to mind. Don’t give me that bullshit.”

  Alfred only smiled, “Well, I’ll miss you, even if it’s not requited.”

[infinitemelancholie]

April.23.2017

A couple of new developments in my life:

1. I can confidently state “Fuck everyone” because of the state I’m in and all that I went through and will probably continue to go through. I hate that I was sexually assaulted as child and that it’s after affects will probably be something I have to deal with now. I hate the people that lead me to believe that doing anything with men somehow made me less of a man, and just about anyone that has tried to force me into hyper masculine roles. Those people suck and fuck them. Fuck everyone who never lead me to believe it was possible to be bi. That really was unnecessary and uncalled for and just made being me even more difficult and I hate them for it. Fuck everyone that treats queer men as accessories or fetish or something because like the fuck is up with that? Fuck everyone that somehow thought it was cool that I was into one gender but if I wanted to know about the other or some other gender I’d have to talk to someone else. Because like how the fuck is that supposed to work and why the fuck do you think it’s ok to be supportive and helpful for something that doesn’t even fully encompass my sexuality? Fuck all straight women for being shitty towards gay and bi men. Like seriously? This is how you treat us? Fuck straight women that try to pretend I’m gay or something. Because that’s not how this works and you’re really a shiity person. Take down that rainbow facebook profile tint because you sure as shit aren’t an ally. Fuck anyone that’s aphobic on any level. Aces are literally the best thing to ever happen. The notion of now desiring sexual relations completely destroys current relationship discourses and makes being non monogamous much easier. And yeah I’m most definitely grey romantic so that’s a thing and I’m enjoying that because like I feel free at last to not have to worry about a number of issues I think. Fuck everyone that thinks being promiscuous makes you a misogynist or something because like honestly you can have millions of sex partners and yet still be completely respectful towards each and every one of them and treat them like they matter because they do matter to you and that’s how I’m basically living my life right now and honesty I gotta tell ya it’s the fucking tits. Like it’s actually a good thing for me and to me honestly. I feel like I’m able to express a kind of love to them without like having to form some kind of “committed” relationship with all the stalking, needless and endless insecurities and jealousy, restrictions  on who can be my friends, restrictions on sexual relations, restrictions on how I live my life, trying to reform or change me in any way shape or form, trying to dominate me in the sense of pulling shit like the silent treatment or threatening to end a relationship or any other toxic behavior that many monogamous esque people engage in. Honestly fuck anyone that’s normalized this toxic relationship monogamous culture we have. It’s only killing us. And fuck anyone who doesn’t let me have a say for my own needs or tries to make them into some kind of selfishness because it’s not. And fuck anyone that gets butthurt at being told no. If you can’t take no for an answer that’s definitely your problem and that’s definitely a sign I need to be as far away from you as I possibly can be. Fuck white people for being racist. Fuck my college professors for being fucking I don’t know cocky I guess is the word for it? Some of them come off as a little domineering or something along those lines and it’s weird. Also yeah I know I’m not doing all that great but like I have mental issues that aren’t entirely my fault so fuck off. 

2. This deserves its own space. Fuck misogyny and sexism. No seriously fuck that noise. Fuck the noise that made me super paranoid over talking to women or interacting with them on some level because of this irrational fear of like them being somehow unapproachable or whatever because of hotness rating on a 1 to 10 scale. Seriously the fuck’s up with that? Like “Oh I can’t talk to you because you’re out of my league”? Like fuck that bullshit. Its not healthy and honestly feeds this weird idea that women are somehow magically different and must be treat specially by men because they’re women. News flash they’re just people with literally the same problems as us but even worse if possible. Seriously women are without a doubt the must insecure people on the face of the earth. Oh and here’s some grade A dating advice: learn to be fluent in passive aggression. It’s every woman’s modus operandi no matter what. They’ll always try to do something to let you know but not really know what they want. Excessive giggling or laughter is probably a sign they’re into you. Mentions of what they like means “you better fucking take them there/do this for them at some point because they like this thing”. Like honestly women are probably the ones that make most of the decisions when it comes to these things. Men just follow along. Of course there’s those discrepancies where the man makes a decision and the woman goes along to keep him happy or something but still that does give power over to women because like it’s up to her keeping this dude happy when she doesn’t have to. Also this is helping me out a lot in unpacking my internalized biphobia because a) I’m realizing that I don’t need to sleep with massive amounts of women to reclaim my manhood b) sleeping with men is the literal tits and I fucking love it and it in no way impacts my gender etc c) I have no reason to feel that women have some weird sex power over me because like they’re just women. Literally there’s nothing special about them. They’re probably more afraid of me which I’m not ok with but kinda am because like I got nothing to fear on my part. Even if it doesn’t work out with one woman like it doesn’t matter. There are others for starters and also I’m fucking bisexual. Why should I obsess over the rejection of just one woman when there’s like other genders out there for me to be occupied or involved with. As far as I’m concerned a rejection is just a pass to continue being single and I’m honestly enjoying that. No giving up my shit to others. No having to cohabitate with someone. No having to shell out money for valentine’s day and stuff. None of that. I’m a free man and I can do with that what I want to do.

3. Sometimes I’m confused about my grey romanticism. There are people I meet that got me feeling some kind of way and I don’t know what to do about it. Like there’s this one girl I just met this quarter who seems like really cool and stuff but like I think I’m crushing on her or something. Maybe I’m just sexually into her? That seems more likely. I can live with that. I guess the question is trying to proceed from there in a way that won’t like make things weird for us. Maybe I should just be upfront about the whole grey romantic bisexual thing and be done with it. Fuck it here’s what I want. Yes I want to have sex with her all throughout campus or wherever because I think it’d be awesome and I think she’s got it going on. I’m not really into the prospects of being in a committed romantic relationship because that’s definitely not me but like a fwb or something would be dooooooooope. But like none of that feau fwb thing that people have. Like a queer platonic relationship kinda thing would be what I’d like. Yeah that’s what I want. A queer platonic relationship. A relationship where you’re not really a bf or gf but one where you’re more than friends still. You’re friends but like a different kind of friend. Not even a best friend. A friend where there’s intimacy and closeness but no real romantic connection present. A queer platonic relationship. That’s what I’ve been after this whole time. I’ve just settled on doing the whole romantic thing because like idk I guess it’s easier to do that or something. Like it’s easier to communicate that to potentials etc. Also this brings into mind this guy I met earlier this year who I swear I’ve developed a crush on but am now thinking it wasn’t quite a crush really. Perhaps that was what a squish is. Perhaps I’ve officially had my first squish without realizing it. Mmmm maybe not. Though it’s somewhere between the two I can at least admit that.

4. There’s a difference between doing what you want without worrying about what others think and being a deuche nozzle about it. Ie you can go about your life not really caring about others’ opinions but consequences do matter in some way or another. I haven’t fleshed out the details but a few examples

 -being involved in any way with someone in a workplace or even small college/college department/club/etc (partly why I’m a little off put by my feelings towards this girl and even guy) has consequences for both myself and them. If things go to shit like everyone will be up in our business about it. Like they’d know. Plus we’d have to see one another a lot and let’s be honesty PTSD me probably won’t be able to handle that well. Plus I’m sure it’d just make them hate me more. And we’d be sharing friends so group studying becomes awkward etc

I was going to say something about casual sex and feelings developed from that but like honestly I’m not the one responsible for making someone feel or think that I’m in love with them because of how we have sex together or how they feel about having sex with me. Although it’s pretty shitty when like the other person like wants to have sex with you but like becomes weird about it afterwards for lord knows what reason. Anyways moral of the story it’s not my problem nor is it my job and I’m ok with that