#I’m getting real tired of having mild anxiety/ptsd attack cause people don’t read them

[rk800isalive]

hey, if you follow me please read my rules. I don’t have them for shits and giggles. They are there for a reason!  But you know if you can’t find them for any damn reason even though I’ve posted them like so many damn places I’ll post them under read more. 

Hey there dear! Here is all you need to know about this rper/ask blog!

updated: Aug 7,2019

 About the blog:

-I’ve wrote this a few times now on the blog but I am Semi-Selective and Mutuals only. I have a lot of anxiety or rping with to many people. I do open up to more people in time. Again, I rp for fun and as a stress release I don’t want to start making rping stressful.

-If I’m following you and you follow back. How do you know it’s me?? I send geckos and danger noodles. I’m very shy when first interacting so I send geckos on anon. It’s a way for me to 1) judge your muse and how they handle things. 2) It makes me feel better as a starter to say hello.

-This blog is a nsfw/sfw blog.

-I don’t rp with minors. I’m literally over 21+ I don’t feel personally comfortable with minors interacting or rping with me. Nothing against ya, I’m just not comfy with it. Other reasons are because I rp a lot of adult/dark themes and I don’t feel comfy with minors being around that.

-I’ll pretty much rp anything except anything NSFW with minors or anything NSFW with minor muses.

-I will unfollow if I feel like pretty wiggy about your blog. By this I mean, let’s say you post a canon call. Then you make a post complaining about people liking said canon call. I mean this like you do this a lot. I’m old and I don’t care and it comes off as wiggy to me.

-I do not accept or acknowledge hate to anyone of any kind on my blog, thank you. If I see it on my blog I’m going to delete it. This means I do not condone sending or receiving hate of any kind to others or myself.

-I also will add a side note to this because I can’t believe I have to do this. If I don’t accept of acknowledge hate that also means I will not send hate. I have not and will never do such actions.

-Muse =/= Mun. This means the Mun and Muse do not always share the same feeling or would act the same way. We are two different people.

-I do not rp with blogs that do not have at least an about and/or a rules page. I feel much more comfortable seeing those. I don’t care if your blog is fancy or if you have icons. Just these two things at least is important to me.

-I write to have fun! Rping is a hobby of mine and really helps destress me. Enjoy what you do and have fun with it! Don’t worry about replying right away, I’m chill with waiting.

-I don’t own any of the icons or art you see me use unless I have stated otherwise.

-Highly Selective to OC’s. I explain why further down in my rules.

Dos and Don’ts rules:

-Don’t take control of my character please.

-Please no GodMods.

-Do not guilt trip me into responding to you. I will block you.

-Also please be aware if you reblog rp with thislovelylady/ alannasroleplaymemes, or really any of this person’s blogs I will unfollow and block you. This is non-negotiable.

-Do not follow me if you follow any blogs connected to sinsofexcalibur/ giseinohana or really any of their blogs. If you do follow or interact with said person I will unfollow and block you. Nothing against you, I really don’t want to get into why this person makes me uncomfortable just understand this is one of my rules. This too is non-negotiable

-Don’t guilt me for calling you senpai. I say it in an I think you’re cool and want to be friends. Again I’m old. I literally remember when yaoi paddles were a thing. Not that I ever had one, but man oh man, do I remember them.

-Don’t come at me with hating on ships. You can like or dislike what you want. I just don’t want to hear it.

-If I don’t answer your threads or starters either tumblr ate it or I haven’t had time to get to it.

-Feel free to remind me to reply. Life happens and I’m also just ADHD so my attention span is crap at times. Just don’t spam me about it.

-I do not start drama, I do not like getting into drama, and as such I ask you not to tag me in drama. I like living my life as drama free as possible.

-If you are a personal blog and you reblog my threads you are not apart of I will block you. It’s rude don’t do it.

-Do not reblog ooc posts outside of posts that can say you can reblog. Or are posts like followers forever. Just…. literally think about it. If it looks like you are unsure you can message me. Just use common sense.

-Do not ask me why I have not followed you yet. Like that’s some guilt trip bull. If I haven’t followed you yet, I either a) didn’t see the notification. b) Saw you followed checked out your blog and you don’t have a muse, or rule page and didn’t follow c) felt wiggy about your blog d) I just didn’t notice you followed and haven’t seen your blog yet.

-Just because I’m not following you doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me. I’m chill if you send anons.

-I always cut my posts. Please cut yours. It’s not too hard to do there are like a million tutorials showing how to do so. If you don’t trim your posts I’m most likely going to unfollow you. There really isn’t any excuse as to why you can’t trim your posts. On mobile there is a giant X you can press. This is true on desktop as well.

-Do not reblog my threads unless you are apart of them. If you do I will block you.

-I’m not an rp meme blog, if you are not a mutual please don’t reblog the memes. Reblog it from the sources.

Triggers:

-The only triggers I have is Sharks (Realistic Images or video of them) and IV Needles. I just ask that you please tag them. It’s cool if you forget it happens.  Mostly it’s the needle bit that is the worst trigger. I have other trigger they are just very rare and very hard to hit. I’ll let ya know if you ever hit them.

-If you need something tagged just let me know.

-I will tag things if you need it tagged. I’m also an idiot and forget sometimes. Just slap me with a friendly reminder message and I’ll tag it for ya. When I tag things I always forget to tag things with ‘tw’ at the end.  Example rather then writing ‘gore tw’ I write ‘gore’. Again, I do this mostly because I forget to put ‘tw’ at the end.

Shipping / writing:

-I’ll just slide this in here too. I ship chemistry, if I feel the two muses are getting along and you wanna ship them I’m down. I don’t ship with minors. If you wanna have a family bond connection with my muse, smack dat message button and hit me up. I’m down for chatting about it and plotting it out!

-I ship Connor/Hank personally but this doesn’t mean every Hank my muse meets will want to jump their bones. Again I can’t stress enough how I ship chemistry. I won’t ship with anyone right off the bat unless you talk to me ahead of time and want to plot something out.

-If your Hank only sees Connor as a son, I’m totally cool with that too. Again I do not ship anything unless you’ve messaged me before hand. I just like chemistry between muses first.

-I will ship hate pairings, crack pairings, and just because pairings.

-If you want to ship with my Connor, hit me up. Again this is normally after we’ve been rping for a while. I’m for the most part chill about shipping.

-I have my own NTP I’m chill with talking about them. I’m also over all a very chill but weenie of new peeps person. Again I’ve been around a while.

-If you have a ship you wanna try out with my Connor slap that message button and I’m more than happy to chat it out. We can come up with an idea. But again I prefer chemistry first over shipping.

-I love to plot things out. If you have an AU you would like to try out I’m totally open for it.

-If you see mistakes in my grammar and spelling I am sorry. I tend to type fast and sometimes aren’t able to catch all my mistakes. Please bare with me on that and I’ll most likely edit my posts. Or more commonly I’ll respond with like little to no sleep in me and don’t realize I messed up spelling or used the wrong words or grammar till like the next day or when I post my reply and reread it. Again I have insomnia… most days I’m up till like 3-4 am. Not even lying there. Some days I sleep for like… 14 hours. There is little to no in between.

-I can and will rp dark themes. I love rping angst or pretty much anything. That being said, just be aware of my fear of needles. I will rp sharks just because I can’t physically see them. Writing about that doesn’t bother me just anything to do with blood work just … yeah.

-I write rather large posts when I role play. Don’t feel intimidated because you don’t have to match my post size. It’s just my thing I do. I only ask that if I reply with let’s say a paragraph I wish for at least a paragraph back. This doesn’t apply if it’s a crack thread. Those are just up in the air and fun.

-If your muse is an OC, from a different fandom, or if he never met you in the game and your  beginning message/thread/starter is acting like he knows you right from the get go and he doesn’t I might not answer the ask or thread. Just because sometimes it makes me uncomfortable unless it just fits or you have messaged me ahead of time.

-I also love the idea of my Connor viewing any of the Rk series as family. If you don’t see it that way hit me up and I’m chill with it.

-If the post is long or nsfw based I put them under read more.

Just things I didn’t really know where else to put:

-I am SUPER shy online. In person I’m a loudmouth who isn’t afraid of anything. So it takes me a good long time to message people to rp.

-I am one whole weenie. If you get geckos/ danger noodles (snakes) in your anon box. -dabs- dat be me. Trying to get over being a weenie one gecko at a time. I don’t what it is I’m just very very shy online.

-I call new peeps who follow me senpais till I feel comfortable to be not nervous.

-If I follow you 99.9% I probably want to rp with you. I’m also a weenie so I’m probably intimidated to message you if you wanna thread or rp. I has the anxiety…

-I’ve been rping for 9+ years off tumblr, +6 on tumblr, and about +4 years on discord.

-I tend to update my blog a lot because I want my blog to be the best that it can be in my eyes. Your blog doesn’t have to be this detailed or fancy looking I just hold my blog to a stupid standard in my head.

-Mun is 21+ and pretty much only feels comfortable rping with 18+ muns.

-I have Major Depression, ADHD, PTSD, Anxiety, and DID. I do have a blog for my system they probably won’t interact on this blog.  Please be aware of this as there are days I just… struggle.

-I am always tired, if I’m not tired I’m hyper as fuck.

-I read the rules and about everyone’s blog I ever follow. I feel more comfortable and more likely to rp with you when I see the rules and about pages. I will read about the mun pages too. This allows me to get a peak into not only your muse but who you are.

-OCs I’m so sorry I’m a bit picky at times. If I can’t picture my muse interacting with them I sort of just… Don’t bother. It’s nothing against your oc. I promise you that. I am just a little picky after being burned a few times.

-I do not have a password system mostly because I would forget my own password. But if you are reading all this and got all the way here, thanks!!

-I’m just here to have fun. I want to rp as a way to help my own stress of life. If you like my Connor, great! Thank you for liking him! If you don’t, cool, you don’t have to. I like all sorts of ships. I don’t really care about gender mostly because I myself am pan but I just don’t care. If two characters mingle well and feelings start to arise I’m more likely to ship it. You don’t have to like the ship. It’s cool.

-I am 28. I’ve been rping for a stupid ass long time. I’ve seen shit in fandoms come and go. I don’t care about drama, I don’t want your drama, I’m just here to have some fun. Cool. That’s gonna come off as mean… Sorry.

-I have the right to follow and unfollow who I wish. I also have the right to rp with whom I wish and whom I don’t wish. ( Though if I am already following you, I’m 100% willing to rp with you.)

-It takes me a while to respond to things. Again I want to make this clear, I have a lot of mental illnesses that just make me struggle most of the time. I deal with heavy insomnia. Sometimes I’m lightning fast with threads other times it takes me a bit. Or tumblr just decided to fucking yeet my god damn drafts again. In which case hit me up on dms like if I haven’t gotten to the thread after like two weeks. Most likely tumblr fucking ate it.

If you finished reading and you would like to know more about the Mun and the muse here you are!

The mun just click here. My muse click here.

[strawberriesinmoominvalley]

how to write a panic attack

something like this has probably been made before, but i thought i’d throw my two pence in. so, here’s how to write a panic attack by an anxious mess

what is a panic attack?

a panic attack is where someone feels terrified and scared, without being in any real danger. they mainly occur with people who have anxiety disorders and/or ptsd, although they can happen to anyone.

however, a panic attack isn’t just fear. it causes a physical response. you brain perceives a threat, and goes into fight/flight/freeze. adrenaline is released, your body prepares to react. you become focused on the danger, because your brain has seen a threat and is trying to protect you from the non-existent danger.

what causes them?

panic attacks can happen for no reason, however there is usually a cause. these can be anything, from “this room is loud” to “someone just triggered me by mentioning something to do with my trauma” to “i read something about a phobia i have”. 

if someone is already stressed, or tired, or just not having a good day, that will increase the likeliness of a panic attack. something that might not cause a panic attack on a normal day might cause one on a bad day. sometimes lots of things build up until your brain can’t take it anymore. 

triggers can seem very small. for example, if you’re talking about trauma, it could be the abuser’s name, or a smell that reminds you of something. they can be things that scare a character, or a song -  anything, really. they can seem insignificant, but can cause catastrophic consequences. 

symptoms

everyone experiences panic attacks differently. symptoms are a grab bag and no two people will experience them the same. most people will experience shortness of breath and a racing heart, but apart from that it’s really up to you. the combinations can be weird and strange but hey, that’s anxiety. i’m not going to be able to list every singly symptom here, but i’ll try to list as many as i can:

crippling fear - it comes on the tin, but it can vary. sometimes you’re just terrified, sometimes it feels like nothing good is ever going to happen again, and the world is always going to feel this way. you feel impending doom and fear and it is Bad

being convinced you are going to die. there isn’t really a better way to describe this, you just know this is the end and it is awful

feeling like you are out of control. this usually comes with the more severe ones, as it can feel like you are going crazy

a racing heart - your body feels like it needs to fight or flee from something, so it is preparing to do so

shortness of breath - this is terrifying. it can feel like something is pressing into your chest, and your throat is closing up. you can choke and gasp and never feel like you have enough air. this usually causes you to hyperventilate

dizziness and feeling lightheaded - this usually comes from hyperventilating. your character may hand to sit down suddenly, or, if they’re stubborn like me and refuse to for whatever reason, just dramatically faint

feeling nauseous - most people will feel sick/have terrible stomach cramps, but not throw up. i have, but it’s happened only once

hot/cold flashes

sweating

goosebumps

chest pains - from my experience, your chest just aches and feels heavy, although sometimes it can cause you to double over in pain

crying - anyone can cry during a panic attack. it can cause them to hyperventilate worse, because it’s hard to breathe when you’re sobbing

screaming - sometimes anxiety can come out of anger. they might scream incoherently at people, and can completely wreck their voice in doing so

loss of speech - this can be awful, especially if you’re trying to communicate to someone what’s happening

shaking/trembling - everyone shakes when they’re anxious, but imagine your whole body doing it. you can’t control it, and can barely control your actions

ringing/buzzing ears - this can be mild, or to the point where you can barely hear

talking to yourself/babbling/repeating phrases - your speech isn’t going to be functional. at most, answering yes/no questions and maybe being able to partially describe what’s going on. but mostly, think “ohmygodohmygodohmygod” or “fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck”

freezing - the character might lose the ability to move anywhere. and i mean, they could be in the middle of a road and just freeze. it’s not good

pacing/fidgeting/not being able to stay still - they might throw things, jump around, might even partake in self-injurious behaviour

spiralling thoughts - even if there isn’t a trigger, the character’s inner monologue is going to loop and be incoherent. they’re going to repeat the same thoughts over and over and over. sometimes, when they’ve had it enough, they may also have the “not this again” complaint before the spiralling starts

feeling weak, like you might collapse

derealisation - feeling like everything around you isn’t real, and feeling detached from your surroundings. it feels like your in a dream-like state, or experiencing everything behind glass. it is terrifying. this can cause you to panic more, and may even hurt yourself trying to sense the world

depersonalisation - feeling detached from your body and like you aren’t real. imagine staring in the mirror and not recognise who’s staring back at you. again, terrifying and can lead to harming yourself

these aren’t even all the symptoms you can experience. there’s a lot, and can vary depending on the cause of the panic attack and the severity. for example, i tend to only derealise/depersonalise during a trauma-induced panic attack. symptoms change over time, and some symptoms may only happen during one panic attack and then never again.

writing the panic attack

now, i’m going to break this down into three sections - before the panic attack, during, and after

before the panic attack

first you need to start with the cause, which i’ve already spoken about. once you have that, you need to slowly increase the symptoms. it takes about 30 seconds for the anxiety to set in, so during that time you have to slowly introduce symptoms. if the character realises what’s going on, they may try to use coping mechanisms to stop it, or at the very least make it nicer (i’m going to talk about coping mechanisms a bit later). maybe they can feel their heart pounding, or all their senses sharpen, or their thoughts start to sharpen. it isn’t instant, there’s a build up to it.

during this time, they might run. this is extremely dangerous. they will not have the mental capacity then to think about danger. they could run into roads, hurt themselves in some way or just get lost. this is the one of the only times where a person can override the person’s wishes not to be touched (the other being if they are hurting themselves). them being safe is the highest priority.

during the panic attack

the thing about panic attacks is that they snowball. they get worse and worse until you manage to calm down or just get too exhausted to carry on. panic attacks are terrifying, but the symptoms make it twice as scary. it’s not fun.

you cannot reason your way out of them. your character is going to latch onto worst-case scenarios and nothing will ever be good again. they’re going to spiral, think of the same things over and over and over. they’re not going to think “oh no, i’m panicking”. they might have some control over their thoughts if this is their fiftieth as opposed to their third, but they’re still going to be pretty incoherent.

if this is their first one, they’re going to call an ambulance. i’m not joking. a lot of people have no idea what’s going on, and think they’re dying. it takes a few times for them to piece together what’s going on, and realise they’re having a panic attack. even if they know exactly what’s happening and it’s a regular occurrence, it is still terrifying. at one point, i was having panic attacks ever single day. i knew what was happening, but it was still awful.

the way your character can react can change how it presents. for example, if your character is stubborn, or feels like they’re “weak” because of it (which is totally untrue), maybe they’ll try to hide it. i get dizzy when i have a panic attack, and i used to hide it until suddenly i fainted. so from an external perspective, i was fine and then suddenly i was on the floor - although if someone knows you well, they can work it out regardless, so that can be a nice way to incorporate another character.

maybe your character doesn’t want to address the fact they’re having a panic attack. they could be visibly having one, but point-blank refuse to admit it. this can help show personality, while showing that they’re struggling.

panic attacks can last a few minutes. they can last hours. they are described as brief, but my shortest one has been around 20 minutes - which really isn’t short. my longest was 2 hours, and unsurprisingly, it was my worst. when you’re reaching the 45 minute mark, the format changes. then, it’s more like waves - you get really really scared and it feels awful, then you slowly start to calm down before it starts again.

after the panic attack

once the character has started calming down, whether because they’ve realised it’s been hours and they’re not dying, pure tiredness or getting symptoms under control, they are going to be exhausted.  i’ve passed out from exhaustion before. i’ve fallen asleep in awkward paces (like the middle of the street) because it is so tiring. if they’re outside/at work/school/etc. send them home (this doesn’t happen in real life much, but you can make your world a nice, supportive place). they won’t be able to do anything more taxing than making a cup of tea and cuddling up somewhere. they might not even be able to do that. they might even need someone to grab a blanket for them because the effort is too much.

most people feel more calm afterwards, but you can get awful stomach cramps from the anxiety. but most of the time, all they’re going to feel is tired. don’t put them into a battle. maybe if it’s the morning, they might be able to do something not too taxing in the evening. but most of the time, they’re going to be wiped out.

coping mechanisms

coping mechanisms 90% of the time won’t fix it. a lot of the time, you just have to wait it out. knowing what’s happening helps a lot, and if a character has experienced panic attacks a lot they might understand what’s going on. however, this isn’t always the case. i derealise and depersonalise a lot during panic attacks, but that means that a lot of the time i don’t know what’s happening. it’s terrifying. knowing is a thousand times better than not knowing what’s happening.

obviously there are many breathing techniques - for example, inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8. there are grounding techniques - 5 things you can see, 4 things you can gear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste. however, i often struggle to remember these because my brain gets pretty frazzled. but they DO work, if you want to include those.

a lot of people say you should hug someone, and to that, i have one word - NO. most people do not want to be touched in that situation, and hugging, especially if it’s a trauma-induced panic attack, could induce flashbacks and cause them more harm. some people do want to be hugged. some people want to be left alone. some people want to be guided through breathing, or given water, or talked to, or to hold a a hand. but!!!! please make your character ask. if that’s all you take away from this, just remember that you have to ask before you touch someone!

everyone copes differently, so bear that in mind

i want to include friends/family/significant others. how do i do that?

if the person is with someone who they feel responsible for, or have never reacted like this around them, they may try and hide what’s happening. this can make it worse, and it is less fun. i don’t want to have a panic attack around my younger sibling, so i try and hide it for as long as i can. so that’s something to think about.

if you want a cute moment where a s/o saves the day, this is not going to be it. a hug from someone nice isn’t going to magically cure the panic attack. hell, a hug might not even help at all. panic attacks are messy and awful. they can give them water, maybe talk to them, try to help them. honestly? the person is going to feel inadequate. there isn’t too much you can do, unfortunately, and they’re going to probably end up sitting there repeating the same few things over and over. but you know what? a love interest sticking with someone during the frightening, ugly hours of terror is sexy.

if you want cuddles, think about afterwards. as i have said, the person is going to be exhausted, and a lot of people will need comfort afterwards. they may even cry a lot, because they feel awful. if they’re not up to that, well maybe your other character can tuck them into bed, or run them a bath. you can have sweet moments, but wait until afterwards for the other to look after them.

-

there we go! i hope i’ve covered everything! if you need help writing scenes like this, message me - i’d be honoured to help!

[ohdeargodnotyouagain]

Brain Dump @ 4:30 in the F’ AM.

My Issues

So I started wanting to write a book several years ago and never got around to it. This isn't one of those posts that talk about 'oh whoa is me' but one of those 'hey I notice this shit and I'm working it out in my big fat brain how to fix it'.

For years I've been told I'm a good writer. I wrote a continuation of the Great Gatsby for a final paper in high school- didn't finish it mind you- but turned in what I had and had the teacher tell me she cried about how beautiful written it was. Not tooting my own horn either.

But then WHY, why in the HELL, do I have so many issues with getting my own book published? I've narrowed them down roughly...

1) No motivation. I love starting things. I've gotten hundreds of ideas- started compelling and interesting series. Only thing is that I lose the will to finish them usually two to three chapters from getting to the end of it. I can't tell you how many times I literally three chapters from completing a HIGHLY reviewed, three part series and I just drop it and NEVER look at it again. I've done that EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

2) Though that's my biggest problem, I have others. "Oh Shit"... yeah, I know. So my second problem is thinking I'm not good enough to be published. Which- jesus fucking christ- I've had people tell me for YEARS that I could write. Teachers. Parents. Friends. Strangers on the internet that have read fiction works from when I was 12 (Insert physical cringe here) up to my current age of 22. Now don't start that shit that I'm young and I have plenty of time ahead of me. People use that as a fucking crutch if I've ever seen one. You say that your entire life and then when you get to that ripe ass age of 60, you wonder where the fuck your life has gone and ruin your life trying to do those things you missed out on as a kid. Anyway, why the fuck do I not think I'm good enough to write the next great novel? Why do I have issues with this SO BADLY that it probably contributes to problem 1?

3) I can't be straight. Or gay. Or romantic. Or horrific. Or gory- or- or- o- Shut the fuck UP BRIAN THE BRAIN. I tend to jump across multiple genres. Probably because I'm so everywhere in real life that I look at one topic and think "Meh, I'm gonna get bored with this so I need to be OUTLANDISH" as possible to stay interested in it. FALSE. I've recently discovered I have a really good knack for horror. Surprise surprise, if my horrific childhood wasn't enough funsies for me already.

4) I have recently come to terms that I have badshit crazy RAGING depression. So I'll fully admit, I smoked weed since April 2016. I fucking LOVED it. I could write, run, smile, and basically be a normal human being. But I was hiding it like crazy and did too much at times. I lost some friends, gained some not so good ones. Never told my mother who I lived with- so like, damn, how did she not know? But I ended up telling her during Hurricane Irma. My bad. Anyway, she told me I had to get a medical license and toss the shit out. And so I did out of respect. Now a month sober... I'm losing my goddamn mind. My panic attacks are back, the fits of rage, the depression so bad I just want to decompose into my bed and the not eating. (Insert the slow clap for myself here). Anyway, I can afford the medical license but here is the problem. The doctor I have to go to every 45 days is like five hours away and my only transport is a literal bicycle or my two god given feet. Also I can't afford health insurance for working 50+ hours a week. Go me. Anyway, this isn't a pity party, I'm literally just talking shit out with myself at the moment so bare with my rambling. This helped when I was high so I'm blasting music and recreating this shit. Anyway, so I admitted I had a problem. Not only is my doctor far away but I also have been SO SCARED to admit I had a problem (Plus felt that I would be admitting defeat if I admitted it...) that I was never officially diagnosed except by some halfwit therapists after the domestic violence when I was a kid. All of them said the same shit. PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Mild Dissociation. Like what the ever loving fuck does that mean? Moving on, mother dearest suggested I should go to the doctor, explain that I've had these issues since I've been fucking 13 and I need to have a record of it. Thank you Doctor Robert Duff for making an awesome audible book too- that convinced me in the first place that oh shit I need to see somebody about this before I got off the deep end more than I already fucking am. I have been self managing for years and it's taken a turn for the worse around the time I hit 19. It's been 2 years of batshit crazy- and that's why I turned to weed. Which was great but no longer an option. Yay. Anyway, hopefully this new FDA (laughing) approved medicine will help until I can get to Colorado at the end of June.

5) Back to writing. Another thing that might be fucking me up is that I'm an EXTREMELY organized person. You should see my house. My writing may be scatter brained but I have my hair products organized by shape, size and color. So is my furniture and my pillows. And clothing and... you get it. So is my work now that I think about it- it makes me great at my job as a clerk. I've been working on this for a while now and I think it's also the environment. I'm not trying to make up excuses either. Oh my environment is bad, oh my depression is killing me not softly- NO. MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER AND I CANT CHANGE IT. After Hurricane Irma my apartment GOT FUCKED. So pretty much my entire area is either plastic bagged, boxed, or strown because I sold a lot of my furniture to try to move out of here fast-esh at the end of June. Cause fuck loading up a huge truck. Nope. Fuck off. I think it's contributing to my sjfpoahfoseurhgieuhrgoeruhgeorugh-ness.

Okay that's all the tired brain can think of right now. Also I'm up at fucking 4 in the god damned morning typing this trying to silence a hyper brain who is just like MAKE A POST ABOUT THIS TO ORGANIZE THOUGHTS. It kinda did in a way. Still miss weed. Still miss writing. But now I can work on this.

First I need to get my meds. Hopefully. And stick to them. I need to break the bad habit of not finishing things. I need to either fix my environment or move out. End of June. I need to let go of attachments and put more on Craigslist. There is no use in me freaking out about all the things I have to do right now. I need to just keep my damn pants on and focus on the goal. And hell, I might even publish a book.

Thanks for listening.