#I’m living in fear over here | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

whatbusiness · 1 year

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trying to come to terms with the fact that I will be watching kaz’s backstory. the singularly most traumatizing backstory i’ve come across in any form of media or content (and it’s not even close). with my own eyes. in just three days. and then live the rest of my life with those images in my head.

#I can’t stop thinking about this #we are so fucked it’s not funny #kaz brekker #shadow and bone #six of crows #shadow and bone season 2 #sab netflix #like my head is already a goddamn mess #what will the addition of these images do to me #I’m living in fear over here #like I already have a therapist but y’all can start paying for it after this

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narugen · 16 days

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i seriously need more narumi and mina moments because just imagine the relief mina felt when narumi joined, similar age to her and was also considered a prodigy in the force.

to have someone to share the burden of the defence force’s future with must’ve felt so freeing. because before he joined it was just her, age 18, being told that she was going to change kaiju extermination with her exceptional synergy with firearms. and she was so, so scared.

narumi doesn’t have the kind of skills or talent for long range combat like she does, but he’s also a top candidate (despite his behavioural issues- which aren’t much of a hinderance anyway) and mina doesn’t have to carry the burden of the future alone anymore

(although she’d never admit, given she probably views narumi as someone completely shocking i just think it’s so funny how she stood there like O_O when she first saw him)

like i LOVE seeing the contrast. mina who was sent onto the battlefield for the first time and was deathly afraid vs narumi who was sent out and immediately took action because that’s how he always lived (fighting)

and now they’re the top two strongest captains in the force and they will be the ones to lead the new generation..

#egg boils #IM SOOO BONKERS SORRY THEYRE MY FAVES I WANT THME TO HAVE AN IMPACT ON ESCH ORHEF SO FUCKING BAD.#consider this: narumi teaches mina to be less serious. to stop holding onto the burden of others and her team mates and Fight because she #wants to. hold onto ur weapon clench ur teeth because you WANT to be here and protect lives and not because You feel like you have to ashir #and mina teaches him abt team work and yes you can work along but And maybe having to consider ur team members IS burdensome for u but isnt #it nice to have someone watch ur back? for someone to Help you narumi #please please show me how they’ve influenced each other I KNOW DAMN WELL THEY HAVE. I INOW IT. matsumoto please.#i will never be over mina and how genuinely AFRAID she was #ashiro mina my absolute beloved #narumi tells mina to stop being so freaked out all the damn time because you have your team mates don’t you?! always talking my ear off abo #about team work but you can’t even trust your own comrades?!#mina tells narumi that HE keeps acting recklessly because he doesn’t trust his team mates either!!! they’re perfectly capable too #ohhhhh i’m sick im sick i want mina to knock some sense into narumi and vice versa i want them to be the reason they trust their units to #SUCH a degree now. i want them to be the reason why they stand for their men so strongly (narumi immediately pouncing on no.9 when he showe #kikoru isao’s face. mina’s anger and appreciation when her unit stood their ground against no10.#mina #narumi #kaiju no.8 #they’re my top two of course i’m making this shit up. i need it so bad bside please please please #i know she grit her teeth and got used to be alone when she subjugates from the roof top but CONSIDER narumi the delinquent but extremely #capable recruit being the one to show her how to live less in fear #i need a tag for them #don’t be stupid #okay that’s it that’s my tag #kn8 spoilers #sorry again. tagging for myself #narumina

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goldkirk · 4 months

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I opened Pinterest for the first time in months.

That made me realize a lot about how bad I was actually doing and how much of a Waffle House Index use of Pinterest is for adult me, apparently.

I hadn’t realized it had grown that foundational to me in a healthy-brain-exercise-and-hobby-joy way. Nice to know moving forward! It’s another sign I can keep track of and use to spot correlation/indicator patterns earlier my behavior.

I love this kind of thing, it makes me so excited!

#personal data hacking is my passion #someday I’ll tell a story about the most notable times I tracked things or hacked my own mental processes from childhood to now #including the fear of spiders and bed wetting and behavior changes and posture and heart rate and cursive and putting kitchen items and #trash away as soon as I’m finished using them instead of never ever or ages and ages later #I’m so proud of that #you have to give it time and still commit. chaining thoughts and routines and behaviors really works #we are not separate brains and bodies and external environments #anyway I’m gonna go haha I used up he last of my energy burst on Discord and here and I need to go rest and lie on the floor and probly doze #love you all be back soon bye mwah!#add to journal #trauma evolution #my Waffle House index #this is going to be a fun new tag I’m so going to have fun with this and I bet it’ll be a helpful example reference for other people too #more than just for future me!#so excited so proud of myself so happy so grateful for hope about me really trusting that my ability and my behavior and my performance #are able to and going to yes keep getting better #long many-milestone path-journeys of potential #like when I was a little 6-7 year old kid-team athlete looking ahead at a concept of a future with me over time getting #stronger and cleverer and faster and slicker and calmer and even happier and more and more capable and able to accomplish!#a gift. all this time I didn’t think I’d have and have been living anyway is such a gift.#knowing that I truly have future time to grow and explore and change and improve in even though I still can’t FEEL or IMAGINE that future #time yet. also a gift.#the time I will one day realize I can imagine a future and imagine myself alive? will be a gift.#breath is a gift. experiencing life is a gift. other life is a gift. rhythm is a gift. motion is a gift. awake is a gift. color is a gift.#such a great expanse. all of it new. all of it eternal. all of it me. all of it nothing I’ve ever known before. all of it all of it #all of it. gifts.#gonna go have floor time now. this would be such a nice time to re-re-regain my ability to cry!#mwah I love you future me. take care of your hand and thank u for writing all this down 💛#hey little star whatcha gonna queue?#my poetry

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banghwa · 5 months

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genuine question how do u get over ur fear of existing

#i haven’t been able to rly let myself enjoy my new job without stressing about whether it’s enough #and i know it is because other people work here with the same paycheck and live alone and happy #but i cant let myself believe that like. i’ll ever be okay on my own #i think ive been rly conditioned to think i’ll fail no matter what even though i know i wont #like i’m fucking smart im competent i have proved it i can live on my own i AM independent #but literally this house is a jail cell it gets to a point where i don’t even notice the days go by #i have never felt like a real person until i moved out for those few months and that was so scary #like. how do i get over that fear of screwing my life over and just fucking go out and live #dl

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inkykeiji · 2 months

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>.<

#tw clari overshares #i really need to start making new friends on here and being more active #but the issue is just the mere *thought* of that fucking terrifies me #just typing out that single sentence has my heart pounding and my hands shaking and my stomach churning #i really wish i was kidding or over-exaggerating #i want so badly to make new friends and be active in a little community on here again #but i’m so so so scared #(of what?????????? of what!!!!!!!!!!!)#bring me back to 2020 clari who talked to people despite the anxiety and was so damn active and was having an absolute blast!!!#what happened to her!!!!!#she got really sick i guess #it’s crazy like sometimes i just scroll through my archive and i can SEE it #i can see myself getting sicker and sicker and withdrawing more and more #feeding into the fear and letting it win #and now i’m here #in this hole that i’m going to have to claw myself out of IN SPITE OF the terror i feel #i miss being a part of this community so much #i miss being able to post little drabbles willy nilly and not having breakdowns over them not being perfect #NOT obsessing over my own work and flaws it may have #i miss having fun #YES my writing is extremely important to me and YES i want to one day write for a living in some capacity #but since when did that mean i had to cut everyone off??? seclude myself in a protective little bubble???#the only person who can fix this is me #(obviously hahaha)#it’s about time i put on my big girl pant(ie)s and faced that fear head on #i’m so sick of it dominating and controlling so much of my life #why did i let it take something so fucking important to me???#i have to end it!!!#if u got this far in the tags: thank you and i’m sorry for venting #i just feel like i NEED to say this

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itspileofgoodthings · 9 months

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do y’all wanna know something funny. when I was in England I accidentally stumbled into finding my sister a boyfriend via @ilovevanillatea and her husband and it is something that has been so funny and good.

#It’s almost been two months so I can talk about it a bit more lightly #it’s had its ups and downs as far as it concerns me. because it’s another big change and one that sometimes feels so full of shadowy fear #and sometimes I have been [ shrieks in strangled anguish ] about it but also and at the same time. it’s been funny #and good. And I am delighted.#My wording is deceptive here —it was really Emma’s husband and Emma who led the charge here #because I showed up at their house and Jonny (Emma’s husband) was like : ‘do you want to date my friend [x]’#which was so funny. But over the course of the week we (and me for personal reasons) all sort of collectively shifted it over to Nina #and things have been going so great #and it has been probably the funniest and occasionally the most maddening outcome of my trip #(It is good. It’s just also complicated. as everything is!! I’m slowly learning how to deal when the women I love find men in their lives)#(I am very bad at it but I am invested in getting better and in learning how to be a true support)#ANYWAY. Of course I wanted to make a million text posts about this simply from a storytelling perspective #but have had to restrain myself #because you know it’s real life and it’s delicate etc.#but now feels like a safe enough time #anyway the sheer ROMCOM OF IT ALL

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seventh-district · 4 months

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#it is 5 hrs past my bedtime and i am awake listening to Two Hearts by Dermot Kennedy on loop and crying over Rotating Shifts. again.#i couldn’t resist the urge to read the latest chapter any longer but i knew when i did i’d get like this #so Why did i wait for my period to roll around. i have made. a silly decision lmaooo #i’ve complained abt it before but i’m conflicted about how much more sensitive it makes me #my nightmares usually don’t make me cry but oh i was a Wreck this morning #so why i picked tonight to read the fic that always makes me cry is beyond me #i have never met a fic before that had me in such an intense emotional grip #and it’s fucking hilarious bc it’s not that intense of a story!! like yeah there’s been devastating parts but i’m out here having to-#-take a break every single chapter bc i’ll read one line that hits my inner child like a truck and i have to take a minute to recover #but the whiplash this fic gives me is so fucking funny and the range in the storytelling from comedy to tragedy is just.. *scream-cries*#it has my favorite characterization of Sun and Moon that i have ever seen #this chapter wasn’t even that sad i’m just Making myself sad about it #but on another level it also makes me sad in the sense that i don’t think i’ll ever be able to write something that good..#all that i want out of my writing endeavors is to make one (1) person feel as strongly and as much as RS makes me feel #and i don’t know if i can do that. i don’t know if my writing has what it takes bc i can’t even describe exactly what it is #i don’t think it’s a science that can be replicated. things either connect with someone or they don’t #the way Sun goes from worryingly innocent ‘wdym we can’t invite strangers to live with us?’ ‘wdym we can’t adopt an adult that needs help?’#to fucking. tearing an animatronic in half in a fit of protective rage and blocking access to all dating apps to prevent you from-#-finding anyone else bc he’s your Special Friend and he can’t have his Daydream falling for anyone else!! no no!!#it’s not a new concept but i eat it tf up when Sun is actually the one you should fear the most #like no i don’t think he’d hurt Reader but i dread to think of the things he would do For them #the back and forth between childlike innocence and terrifying intelligence possessiveness and physical capability is just mmmmm 100/10 #and don’t even get me started on Moon. or i Will start crying again #he’s like yeah dumbass of course i’m gonna save you every time some POS man tries to **** you. of course i will you fucking crater-head #but i will complain at you about it the Entire way home and then i will steal your fucking toilet paper and pack you a raw egg for lunch #because i hate you 🖤 but Sun loves you and we would both kill for you 🖤 also i drank all of your chocolate milk 🖤 also i hate you :)#anyways i am paraphrasing obviously and dear god i hope no one who actually reads RS sees this bc i do not want my 2am ramblings taken as-#-any kind of Official Thoughtful Analysis of the story ok pls pls pls let me be insane abt my favorite fic without having to be articulate #i just have so many fucking FEELINGS about them. i am unwell.#i’m not even tagging this i’m just hitting post and going to sleep goodnight

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cornerihaunt · 4 months

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ok so.

#my best friend came to visit me for a couple of days and idk it felt like a farewell tour of a band that was good 2 years ago #that’s the best i can explain it #maybe she’s the one who outgrew me but the whole 48 hours felt like we were just reminiscing about our uni years together yadda yadda yadda #we’re in completely different points of our lives – she has a steady job a girlfriend new friends and lives in another country #im here in the same town we studied trying to get my degree trying to get over my fear of commitment #idk it’s just sad #im meant to visit her in may but idk. maybe i’ll either talk it out with her or just let it fizzle out #ok now that i’ve let it out im feeling better #idk we were meant to be best friends forever but now i don’t know if i’m meant for that kind of relationship be it romantic or platonic #rambles

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xinhua-jun · 6 months

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the difference in growing up between siblings is insane 😭

#I’m over here inadvertently being hyperaware of the slightest breathing pattern and walking on my toes on a daily basis #while my brother stomps his way across the room while TRYING TO BE SILENT #I’m so very grateful he doesn’t have to live in fear #keeping up with the snakey snake

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chai-hat-tea · 6 months

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#i had the most validating day at school today #in the middle of my teaching a kid stood up randomly and said that I teach well and he likes my teaching #other kids started saying similar things (which I know is them buttering) and I was so happy because I didn’t know if what I’m teaching #is even making sense to them considering the language they understand is not my native lingo and I was teaching English lmao #and cherry on top was when another teacher was telling other teachers about how quiet the kids were when I was teaching this class #for context this class is a nightmare and teachers fear for their lives when they have to go here #so yeah I’ve been riding a mad high #other kids over the months have also complimented me and their parents have also told me that the kids talk about me at home #oh also I used to help my neighbour kid with history and today her mom said she did better than she did before #so yeah mad validating shit #tea time with chai hat tea

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lilgynt · 3 months

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birthdays haven’t been too bad the last few years but with picking my dad up from rehab last year i’ve been getting antsy about it again and my work is gonna leave balloons and a note on my desk and i do work that day and i thought i had the saving grace of my brother doing a thing with me the DAY after but due to work things were now doin it on the day and it’s just looming closer and closer 😰

#personal #you have like 5 bad birthdays in a row and suddenly have an actual fear of ur bday #again it didn’t happen for a few years so i was fine but dad thing now is scared again 🙄#anyway i would have said no to the work thing but i wanted to be normal and encourage good will between my coworkers #i mean on my 45 day review perfect notes but my supervisor had to specify leadership when talking about communication bc i DONT be #talking to my coworkers #which totally fine doesn’t effect my work at all but.#idk i didn’t want to be like no when i already don’t talk to people #but did start a convo today!!!#i’m not bad at talking with people or even strangers i’m not even super shy i’m just bad at being a person #anyway so said yes even tho it does make me antsy thinking about #and i hate working on my birthday bc it feels like.#any event on my bday freaks me out or at least used to and does again #like ideal birthday stay home in bed and survive just don’t want to encourage chance or take any risks #i just want to stay still until it’s over and everyone’s okay #but now i’m working and people are gonna say happy birthday and there will be balloons and a note #and my brothers taking me out which yay love him love solo time gonna ask for sushi #but i’m also scared like what if something happens to him?#but it’s silly to live in fear and he’s only here for like a day #and even if my dad came home i also got my first birthday surprise with my friends lying #and saying they needed art supplies and gave me a cake and hannibal stuff and it was so sweet i cried :)))

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padfootastic · 2 years

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thinking of qpp prongsfoot in their 30s/40s who’d devoted their entire life to harry (and any other potential kids) and now that he’s moved out of the house, have so much free time on their hands that they don’t know what to do with.

so they pick up new hobbies, travel around the world, learn how to live as individuals, fall in love all over again.

#james potter #sirius black #prongsfoot #like i just imagine these two not even taking their eyes off harry bc they’re so obsessed w him #and they wanna see every part of his growth ykno?#they’ve tried to do little odd jobs here and there but the fear of missing out on anything in his childhood terrifies them #so they decided to just stay at home #and delay harry moving out as long as possible #but it does happen and now they’re floundering #empty nest syndrome at its best (worst?)#like literally. they walk around like zombies for the first few weeks bc all their routines are out of whack #and they’ve forgotten how to live a life that’s not centred around their kid #but then like. sirius picks up a new hobby. say baking #and he’s just stress baking all over the place which means james is apparating across the continent #trying to give away the goodies to friends and family & random acquaintances before they go bad #in the process he discovers he actually likes all this travel and hustle and bustle and socialising?#so he drags sirius along with him too #and they get trinkets back for harry from everywhere they go #and slowly discover a whole new world that they hadn’t been able to as kids/young adults raising a child #anyway. yeah. i’m just really here for middle aged prongsfoot being in love ykno?#pen’s notes

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pinkfey · 1 year

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one of the neighbors called the police on my brother bc he’s been yelling at my parents outside for the past half hour

#they’re not gonna help king/queen but ty for trying !!#anyways.txt #delete later #okay wait i’m gonna voice some negative thoughts again bc #like i’ve said before #i cannot get over the fear #that he’ll kill us one day i mean #and we’ll be in headlines #all of the warning signs are right here #the anger the addiction the violence the yelling the double digit 911 calls #i can’t shake it off. it’s all i feel this is building to.#someone is going to die he’s going to kill someone #if not one then all #it’s horrifying. it’s so helpless. i feel it in my gut.#the neighbors can tell there’s violence in the house #my childhood friend lives next door and they text me asking if i’m okay every time they hear an argument #they say their mom will take my in if i need it #it’s such a scary thing to feel like it’s not enough and i’ll die in this house #idk. ruminating bc there’s nothing else to do right now.#i’m just. living in a warning sign. there’s nothing else. there’s a warning but there’s no help.

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karinyosa · 1 year

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moving to a major city in youth was really bad for me because i am never going to get over my fear of bugs. or my lack of tolerance for hiking. LMAO. like i enjoy being in botanical gardens and woodsy parks but i am such a wimp about like rough/dense terrain and shit like that i scream at bugs i’m everything people say about city slickers. girl thats me

#i can stand by a river and feed ducks #before we moved there was a park by a river near where i lived where giant rodents lived in the water #and people would go over and just watch them #and feed them sometimes even though we were not supposed to #and going to the Rat River was one of my favorite things #they were nutrias in case anyone is wondering #it is VERY fun to watch a huge wet rat simply sit along a river and maybe even eat a piece of bread #i HAVE carried a dead roach in a sweeping pan to the toilet so that is something #but like i am a yelper and a jumper i am very much afraid of things #love a rat though. we still have huge rats here. iykyk #saw a giant rat at a riverside park near my school CHASE a small dog #that rat had no fear like people were jumping out of the way for IT and it simply carried on #it went where it wanted to go. no weaving around giant feet #anyway like i wont REFUSE to do naturey or physical stuff i’ll always give it a SHOT #and i love a manual task in many cases. but i have a low tolerance for certain things and i know it #what i’m saying is i will do it but i probably won’t last long #another essay in the tags #my need to elaborate is exhausting giod night #me.txt

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atinystraykid · 1 year

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I had a big shiny mind-blowing epiphany about life goals and happiness that I had to write down, and 30 minutes into writing that essay I suddenly realized I’m just rambling nonsense

#I guess the short version was that life goals 1. do not need to be career-related or even An Accomplishment in any capitalistic sense #And 2. can and will change over the years and that’s actually a good thing #Which is both true but not as mind-blowingly new as it felt while writing it #And it also turned into incoherent rambling about my personal life goals #Which I can’t even summarize here for fear of ridicule #But good news is the incoherent essay did conclude I’m currently living the biggest one of those goals? Heck yeah go me #oliver talks

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transgenderfivepebbles · 1 year

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man i miss my discord friends but last time i was allowed on there i was so anxious about when i’d be cut off again that it ruined every conversation :(

#ramblings #it was. the next day btw. woke up and it just didnt work #i just want to be back with my friends and not be constantly terrified that i’ll be suddenly torn away from them again #without them even being able to know why i disappeared #i wish i could talk to my parents about it but. they dont even know most of the people i talk to exist #i’m not supposed to have internet friends. i’m not supposed to even be here #i’m constantly scared that one day i won’t be able to talk to any of you. and you won’t know where i went either #hell tumblr is meant to be blocked on my computer. half the site is but the dash persists #i live in constant fear over a bunch of websites. epic

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