#I’m not actually suicidal btw so don’t like. worry or anything. I’m safe. just not great emotionally atm

[longleggedsocialist]

at this point god actually wants me to kill myself

[wonder-queen-123]

? x Self Harming Suicidal Reader

Description: Katherine Yumizaki (aka Y/n) has been verbally and physically abused by her family her whole life, and the only ones who know/knew were her teachers, and her best friends. Due to this, she always wore clothes that covered her completely.

Side note: the only names that are going to be mentioned are Katherine’s, Aizawa, Mina and Ochaco.

Also btw, Katherine’s quirks are going to be quirk manipulation, and elemental manipulation/control.

“Hey, Kathy.” Mina and Ochaco greeted simultaneously. “How are you doing this fine morning?” Kathy smiled softly and said that she had been better. “Let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. And according to Aizawa, we’re going to be having a special guest come into class today.”

As the three of them walked into the classroom, Katherine immediately noticed the look one of her classmates were giving her. She just rolled her eyes, and took her seat beside Mina.

As everyone was waiting for Aizawa, Kathy heard her phone buzz, and took one look at the screen, then proceeded to hold back tears the best she could. Mina almost immediately realized that Kathy was on the verge of tears, and asked what happened.

Kathy showed her phone to Mina, and watched as Mina’s smile slowly fell. The message that Kathy had received was from her mother, and it read: ‘Hey, Useless Bitch! Just because you’re attending the school meant for heroes doesn’t mean that you’re actually going to become one. Why don’t you make yourself useful for once and fucking kys! You’ll never amount to anything in life anyway, dumb ass hoe.’

“Hun,” Mina began, looking at kathy sadly. “Don’t worry, I’m telling Mr. Aizawa about this, and we’ll get this resolved. Since me and Uraraka are the only ones in here who know about this, the two of us are going to do everything in our power to make sure that you’re safe and happy. Believe me.” Mina then stood up from her seat, and hugged Kathy as tightly as she could.

Once Aizawa finally walked in, he immediately noticed kathy and Mina hugging, and had a feeling that something happened. “Ashido, and Yumizaki, would you two please stay after class?” was all Mr. Aizawa said, before getting a nod from Mina.

Towards the end of class, two classmates activated their quirks, and was trying to hit Kathy with them, however, thanks to Aizawa still being awake…the classmates both got their quirks erased, and got told off by Aizawa.

“Yumizaki and Ashido, please stay behind. Everyone else, class dismissed. (After everyone else leaves) Alright, Ashido, care to explain what I saw when I walked in earlier?” Aizawa said, noticing Kathy looking slightly uneasy.

Mina explained what happened, and asked how long it would take to get Kathy away from her family. “Honestly Ashido, I’m not sure. But what I can say is this, Katherine isn’t going anywhere, and doesn’t have to worry. Currently, me and some of the other pros/teachers, including the principal are all trying to get this thing resolved. And since you and Uraraka are the only two in class who knows what’s going on, I’m asking you to continue to keep things on the DL…at least for the time being.”

As Aizawa continued talking, he had a feeling that it wouldn’t be long until Kathy lost control again. Before he could say anything else, he noticed Kathy get up from her seat, and run out of the classroom. Before Aizawa even had the chance to say anything, Mina quickly stood up and ran after Kathy.

Once Kathy was far enough from the classroom, she ran into the nearest empty room, and began self harming again. Mina and Ochaco weren’t aware that Kathy had been self harming, so when Mina walked in and caught her best friend red handed, she completely froze.

After a few minutes of standing in the doorway mouth agape, Mina finally ran over to Kathy and stopped her. “What-what are you thinking, Kathy?!” Mina asked, between sobs. “Why would you ever think about doing something like this? (Cries) I knew that your home life was bad, but I didn’t realize that it was this bad. Does-(sniffles) does anyone else know about this?”

As Mina was talking to Kathy, and trying to stop the bleeding, Kathy just looked away, feeling a little ashamed. “I hate my life, Mina.” Kathy finally said, turning her gaze back to her alien friend. “My mom does all the verbal abuse, while my dad does the physical. I hate them! Whenever I go home, I have little to no freedom. I’m either always getting yelled at by my mom, or getting beaten by my dad. Hell, even if it’s in the middle of the night, neither of them seem to care. My mom will continue to scream and yell at me, and tell me how pathetic I am. She also tells me that I’m a waste of space and time. I can’t take it anymore!”

“So you turn to self harm?!” Mina countered, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I’m not going to lie and say that I know what you’re going through, or that I’ve been there; but I can and will say this: self harm is not the answer, Kathy. I know people are jerks and assholes…I mean, look at one of our classmates! People are stupid, and think they can just push others around, but at the end of the day, we’re all human. We all make mistakes, and you don’t have to use self harm as an escape. Let me help you.”

After that, Kathy pretty much told Mina everything, and that she just wanted to be free from her family.

Over the next few days, kathy continued to get mean messages from her mother, and also continued getting picked on and bullied by a few of her classmates, and other students.

One day however, was the last straw for kathy and she really couldn’t take it anymore. Her mother and father both texted her that she would be better off dead, and everyone that claimed to care about her was just being nice out of pity. And the bullying got worse as well.

Kathy was pushed and shoved into the lockers, had others quirks constantly hitting her, or trying to hit her, graffiti written on her locker, desk, and other various places with insults and phrases that she only ever heard from her mother.

The worst of it all though was in the cafeteria during lunchtime. Someone had created a giant banner with the phrase “go kys Katherine Yumizaki!”, along with the insults such as “bitch”, “hoe”, “whore”, “slut”, etc.

As soon as Katherine saw that, it was immediately game over. She quickly ran out of the cafeteria, and left the UA campus. She left all of her belongings back at school, and had left a note for Mina and Ochaco.

Once in the city, Kathy went to the tallest building, and went up to the roof. She took off her shoes, and jacket, and anything else that she considered to be “unnecessary”, and slowly approached the edge.

Little did she know however, someone had been following her, to see what she was planning on doing. As soon as they saw her enter the tallest building in the city, they almost immediately had an idea of what she was going to try and do.

Just as she got to the edge of the roof, she screamed as loud as she could, and let all of her emotions out, while staring off into the distance. She activated her elemental control quirk, and engulfed herself in rainbow colored flames, as well as unintentionally forming a hurricane. With the sudden windstorm, and the sky becoming a dark grey, her classmates all knew what was happening.

On top of the hurricane that was forming, other natural disasters were also occurring. A flood, tsunami, tornado, whatever kind of natural disaster you could think of…it was happening. (For the most part.)

Katherine’s “savior” only realized how bad the situation actually was as they were climbing up each floor to the roof of the aforementioned building.

“Dammit!” They screamed. “What the hell has gotten into her?! What the hell is going on here? Dammit, I’ve gotta go faster.”

With the situation quickly becoming even more dire and dangerous, everyone in UA knew that it was only a matter of time before everyone went to hell. “Aizawa-Sensei,” one of his students asked, looking at him with worry and concern. “What’s going on? And where’s Katherine? Usually she would be here after lunch with the rest of us? Also, where’s ___? They should be here too.”

“I can’t tell you the full story, but I assume this has something to do with Katherine’s home life. Either that, or possibly the fact that she might’ve been getting bullied by at least one of your classmates. Now, whereas for your second question, if I had to guess I’d say that ____ is looking for Katherine to try and calm her down. Now, I don’t know why she let her quirk get out of control, but I know that I’m not just going to stand here and do nothing while one or more of my students, are possibly in danger. Everyone, go find a room that doesn’t have any windows! If you can’t, go find another teacher or the principal and tell them that I said to get somewhere safe! If you see any other teachers that might be able to possibly help, tell them to come help me find and calm Katherine down! Class rep, you’re in charge!”

As Aizawa is running out of UA, Katherine’s savior is still trying to get to her before things get even worse. “Yumizaki!” They screamed, trying to watch out for the building that already started to crumble.

While all of this was happening, Katherine herself was still leaning on the railing and staring off into the distance, tears still rolling down her face. “Fuuuucccckkkkkk!!!” She screamed, leaning even further over the railing. “Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Why??!!! Why does my fucking life have to turn to absolute fucking shit???!!! Why does my goddamn family fucking hate me so much??!!! I HATE YOU ALLLL!!!!!”

As Katherine continued to scream and cry, her classmate noticed more pieces of the building starting to crumble and fall, and soon realized that if she kept screaming like that with them trying to get to her….they could get crushed if they weren’t careful.

They would’ve used their quirk, but that would’ve been too risky and dangerous. The closer they got to Katherine, the clearer her screams became, and more understandable. “I FUCKING HATE YOU MOTHER AND FATHER!!!”

With all the wind and debris flying around outside, it wasn’t easy to see Katherine, but with a little bit of luck, her classmate managed to spot her and saw that she, for whatever reason, hadn’t jumped yet, so there was still a chance to save her.

Her classmate crashed through the double doors that lead to the roof, and tried calling out to Katherine, but to no avail. It was only now that they realized just how bad things had gotten, and how incredibly windy it was outside. With all the wind and debris flying everywhere, it started to blur Katherine’s classmates’ vision, temporarily blinding them.

However, they weren’t going to give up, because that’s not what a hero does. They didn’t come all this way to just throw in the towel now.

“Katherine! Hey!!!” They screamed, trying to get her attention. “I know you’re still in there, dammit! If you can hear me, then listen up! I don’t know what you’re going through, but, I can tell you this: you don’t have to go through it alone! You hear me?! I’ll help you through this, but in order for that to work, you can’t jump! Don’t throw your life away just because some people are fucking assholes! I know it’s ironic coming from me, but you’ve got to listen to me! I get it, people are jerks! People suck, and the world would be better off without them! But listen here, and listen well! I don’t fucking care about what people say or think about you! You’ve gotta remember that their opinions don’t mean jackshit! Please! Come back to UA with me, and we can talk things out! You don’t have to throw your life away just because someone told you to! I…I love you dammit! Ever since we met, I haven’t been able to keep you off of my mind! Sorry if that sounds creepy or weird, but it’s true! I love you so fucking much! You’re…my best friend. I can’t lose you! I don’t want to! So, please take my hand, and get away from the edge!! Please!!! I’m begging you!!!!”

To their surprise, Katherine actually turned around and looked at them, both of them crying uncontrollably. Katherine reached out her hand, and was just about to grab onto her classmates hand, when the railing suddenly broke. Since she still had one hand in the railing, and since it was now raining heavily, her foot slipped, causing her to lose her balance and fall backwards…breaking the railing in the process.

“No!!!” Her classmate screamed, as they ran over to the edge, and managed to catch her before she fell too far. It took them a minute to realize that Katherine was hanging upside down, due to them catching her by the ankle. When they finally realized, and tried to see if she was okay, they may have or might’ve not saw up her skirt by accident.

They blushed a deep red, and looked away. They pulled her back onto the roof, and continued looking away from embarrassment. “Uh, s-sorry about that. I d-didn’t mean to.” They said, slowly turning their gaze towards Kathy. “Huh? What are you apologizing-“ Katherine’s face became just as red as her saviors, and looked the other way.

“Don’t-don’t worry about it. If it was an accident, then…” just as the two of them sat beside each other looking in the opposite direction, Aizawa and a few others crashed through the double doors and saw the two students.

“Katherine, are you alright? You’re not hurt anywhere, are you?” Aizawa asked, as he slowly approached his two students. “N-no, I-I’m fine, Sensei. B-Bakugo s-saved me. I owe him m-my life.” Katherine stuttered, looking at her savior.

“Th-thank you, B-Bakugo.” “You’re welcome, or whatever. Dumbass.” Bakugo said, standing up. “And….call me Katsuki.” Katherine nodded slightly and whispered Bakugo’s name.

“Katsuki. I like that.”

End..

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #452

“what i’ve felt, what i’ve known, never shined doing what i’ve shown  /  never free, never me, so i dub thee unforgiven”

Are you a part of the LGBTQ+ community? I am. Do you have Tiktok? Are you addicted? I don't. Do you enjoy being outside? IF it's cool outside, yes. Do you like being around kids? No, not really. Have you ever gotten Covid-19? No. What's your ethnicity? Caucasian. If you were president, what's the first change you would make? I'd probably put in place free healthcare first. What is an animal that you'd like to have as a pet but it's not allowed? If an animal shouldn't be a pet, there's a reason. So none. What was your favorite meal as as kid? Has it changed now? It was spaghetti. I still love it, but it's not my favorite now. Which doctor is your least favorite? Primary, eye, dentist, gynecologist, etc. Potential TMI answer follows. So, the VERY easy answer is gynecologist. Like, I've never even BEEN to one because I'm too scared. Not because I think they'll find anything wrong, but because I'm just very self-conscious about stuff like that and I do fucking not want some random stranger laying a goddamn finger on me like that. My doctor is really pushing me to go by now though as a safety precaution, but I just really, really don't want to. Do you feel that you'd be any good at solving a murder? No. I'm so clueless. You own a dragon, but it doesn't breathe fire; what comes out instead? Water, I guess? That could be beneficial in a lot of ways. Have you ever been sprayed by a giant rain puddle when a car passed by? No. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT with Girt. What color is your iPod? Hot pink. Do you think baby clothes are adorable? Ha ha yeah, I just tend to like miniature things in general, and babies are just... miniature humans lmao. Whose house did you last sleep over at? Sara's. If you could adopt 3 unique pets, what would you get? A plains hognose morph (probably a lavender, or snow?), a Brazilian black tarantula, andddd... an African fat-tailed gecko morph. What grade are you in, if you’re still in school? I'm not in school. Do you get a lot of tourists in the area where you live? Hell no, there's not shit here. Do you enjoy watching vlogs? Only occasionally by certain people I like. What was the last new video game you were excited about? It really sucks I don't have the appropriate console to play it myself, but I was SUPER stoked for Resident Evil 8: Village to be released and literally watched like four different playthroughs at the same time, ha ha. Have you ever talked about your period with a guy? Were they okay with it, or grossed out? In a three-and-a-half years intimate relationship, it obviously came up before. He didn't care, because he wasn't 12. Have you ever been to small church/bible group/study? Forced to or wanted to? I was forced to go to Sunday school, as well as church. Have you ever been to an Asian (any type) market? If so, what is the closest one to you? I've never seen one here, even. How would you feel if your significant other had tattoos? That'd be a bonus to how physically attracted I was to them, probably, lol. I just love tattoos. Where was the last place on your body that you felt physical pain? My uterus is screaming. :') What are you listening to right now? I am fucking unhealthily obsessed with Violet Orlandi & Skar's cover of "The Unforgiven" by Metallica lkasdjkflawjerwr like I will not stop listening to it lol. Last person you texted? My mom. Have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy? Yes. Is there a certain person that makes you feel safe? My mom. Have you ever used a chainsaw? Nooo, and I don't want to. Do you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa? crihmuh Ever been so stunned, no words came out? Oh yes. Ever written that you were going to end your life? I have. I was fucking stupid and made a suicide note on Facebook. I genuinely wanted everyone on there to know what they meant to me, so like it seriously wasn't for attention, which I still worry people think that. Ever put fake bugs around your house to scare someone? Not to scare people, no. I have two faux tarantulas in my room as decor, though. Is there a reason you have the name you do? Not particularly. My parents just liked it, ig. Choose: the best song by Green Day? Aw, that's way too hard! I love Green Day. I guess if I absolutely had to pick, maybe "21 Guns." It's just a truly beautiful song. Have you ever tried to “save”, or “fix” someone, before? No. I don't believe that works and only damages you. Were ethics discovered or invented? That's a good question. I really can't say I know. Do you put effort into getting tan during the summer? Nah. Are you a fairly self-motivated person? NO. I need external motivation pretty badly. Be honest, does the person you like actually deserve you? Or are they actually not worthy of your affections? I don't deserve him. List 5 things that have been on your mind most recently. 1.) wtf I feel about Girt and wtf to do about it; 2.) my weight; 3.) what job I'm going to search for once I make progress at the gym; 4.) whether or not to quit photography and focus my efforts elsewhere; and 5.), as always, Jason. What is better, history or science? Science is way more interesting. Do you flinch at the sight of blood? No. Do you enjoy swimming? Yeah. When you swear, is it usually in general or directed at someone? In general. I don't generally swear at people. Are any of your friends hoping to be famous one day? Yeah; I've got a couple of musician friends. Who would you kiss right now if you could kiss anyone? GO AWAY Ever slapped a guy in the face? No. I don't hit people. Do you think you’re a good friend? I sure try to be. Have you ever thrown your cell phone in anger? When? I have on only one occasion when I Jason and I were texting and he pissed me off. I don't remember what we were even talking about now. My phone was fine btw, ha ha, I didn't like, chuck it. What color of hair do you find the sexiest on the opposite gender? Out of the natural hair colors, black. But I really like hair that's dyed exotic colors on like... anyone. Have you slept over at a member of the opposite sex’s house in their bed? Yeah. When you lost your virginity, were you sober? Yeah. Have you ever given your phone number to somebody you met online? Quite a few people, actually. Most of my friendships are online. On average, how much does gas cost where you live? When I was out today, it was $2.99. Why are you happy? Who said I was? I'm not happy. What is in your pocket? Nothing. What was the worst feeling you last felt? Severe indecision. Worthlessness. Yesterday had some grim periods. What would you name your future son? I always answer with the first name, "Damien," so let's see about a middle name... uhhhh... maybe Damien James? I'm not really sure about a middle name, but that sounds nice. What are you waiting for? Girt to message me back. He barely touches Facebook, so I can't blame him, but I wanna plan a day for him to visit and we can hang and I can decide what the fuck it is I feel towards him. What takes your breath away? Big waterfalls, to name a major one. What fact of life would you rather not know about? That the world doesn't give a fuck about you. It sounds super pessimistic, I know, but it doesn't. There is no sentience to it, no will to keep you safe and happy, it just... exists, and we're thrown onto it to figure it out. Unfair things happen. That's life. ... Damn, this answer was dark lol. What’re a few things that automatically make you go, “Awww?” Meerkat pups doing so much as blinking, guys being really cute with kids, seeing elderly couples holding hands and just generally being precious, proposals (especially gay ones just because of how hard that was fought for), seeing literally any picture in existence of Mark and Amy together, veterans coming home and their dogs freaking out... Man, a lot of things. This question brightened my mood to think about. :') Are you easily scared by horror movies? Nah. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Illinois to visit Sara. :') I really wanna hang. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? No, but a former best friend had her bday a day before mine. Are you wearing a ring? I always wear two. Do you hate to hug people? No, I love hugs. How many rooms does your house consist of? Seven. If you could be on any TV show, which would it be and why? Can I be a Pokemon trainer, pls???? What would you want to be famous for? Most ideally, a great wildlife photographer. The kind photography students would see and be inspired by. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? No, I sleep with a real animal, ha ha. What is your favorite brand of hairspray? I don’t have one. What is in your backyard? Not very much... I'm barely ever even out there, so I barely know. There's one shed, a small tree, and uh... idk. Who is/was your favorite teacher? I have a few. Mrs. Whitley, Mr. Proctor, Coach Collie, and Miss Tobey are some. What’s your favorite non-sexual thing to do with a girl/boy? Play video games together. Do you cheer for the bad guy? Ha, I have a tendency to do that... Would you rather start a new career or a new relationship? Career. I want one so very badly. Something on the human body that grossest you out the most: So even though I am sexually attracted to any gender, nevertheless, genitalia gross me the fuck out. Either kind. Penises especially though like what the fuck- Do you think it’s easier to raise a boy a girl? Why? From most parents, I've heard boys are much easier because girls (supposedly) tend to have more of an attitude. What is your favorite strawberry flavored food? Strawberry is generally my favorite flavor for like, everything, so this is just about impossible. Maybe uhhh slushies? What is the oldest video game system you’ve played? An Atari.

[the-awkward-outlaw]

Hello ! Can u write an imagine where Arthur s/o kills Micah and she is banned from the gang. Would Arthur follow her ? Thank u :)

Man, I have been in the biggest writing funk for the first time in like nine months but I finally got this one done! Here you go, Anon! Sorry about the wait. 

(Author’s note: Arthur doesn’t have TB) (BTW, Arthur is husband material and no one can change my mind)

It’s already been a long, exhausting day and it’s not even midday yet. You hate it here, always will without a doubt. Beaver Hollow is just a complete shit show and the gang has seriously deteriorated. 

You miss how things used to be. You can remember how everyone was: Mary-Beth and Tilly giggling over romance novels, Sean bragging about how tough and smart he was, Uncle’s jokes, Hosea’s stories about his past and how he always added a note of wisdom. Oh Hosea. He was just another casualty of Dutch’s plight against modern America. 

Everything’s changed since Hosea died and the boys returned from their tropical trip. Javier doesn’t sing or play the guitar anymore, no one laughs, people fight constantly. It’s a burden and a pain to be in the camp nowadays, and you hate it. The person who’s changed the most though is Dutch. He’s not the caring, almost paternal figure who was just struggling slightly to help everyone get back on their feet like he was right after the Blackwater mess. Now he seems to be on a suicide mission and intent on taking everyone in the gang with him. 

The worst thing about the whole situation is Micah. He’s always known how to butter Dutch up but when Hosea was around, he kept himself in check. Now that Hosea’s gone, he’s been in Dutch’s ear the whole time and you haven’t liked it. You’re not the only one; Arthur and John have been suspicious about the whole thing. 

Arthur’s faith in Dutch has been severely shaken. He questions Dutch much more than he ever used to. Dutch doesn’t like it, and he keeps on lying, saying he’s going to get everyone out. All he’s done is killed Cornwall, blown up a bridge, brought Pinkertons closer to camp than ever and used the war between the army and the Wapiti into his favor, even getting the chief’s son locked up during a feud. 

Arthur walks over to your tent after donating a deer to Pearson, who’s drunk again. He’s been coming to you to talk a lot more lately, though you’re not sure why. You’ve had a crush on Arthur for ages but never acted on it. You two have been friends for what seems like forever and you refuse to destroy that over some silly feelings you have. You’ve wondered if Arthur has a crush on you too. It’s just the way he acts sometimes, things he says. The way he wanted you to come with him to tell Mary he didn’t want to be her errand boy anymore. The way you catch him staring at you sometimes. How he always wants you to go off hunting with him but won’t invite anyone else. 

Just as he’s about to say something to you, Dutch calls him over. Arthur gives you a yearning look and then turns around to go see him. A few moments later, someone catches your attention, pulling you away from your work, with their voice. It isn’t Arthur, though or even John or Mary-Beth. It’s Micah. 

“Ah glad to see you’re putting an effort into keeping this place running. We can use all the help we can get,” he simpers. 

“The fuck do you want, Micah?” you snarl. 

Micah’s always been a pebble in everyone’s shoes but now with Hosea out of the way and Dutch going crazy, he’s been acting like he’s in charge of things. He keeps badgering people to do their chores (which most of them have been) and that everyone needs to pull their weight. This doesn’t bother you, what does bother you is the hypocrisy of it all. He never does a damn thing. The last job he helped with was murdering Cornwall but you felt he did it out of a personal interest and less of a needs-to-be done basis. 

“Always gotta be so bitter,” he says, smiling. “You know, if you were a little nicer, people might actually like you. Too bad nothing can be done to make you pretty though. Unfortunately you’ll just have to stick to nice but ugly.” 

You throw down the sewing you’d just been doing and stand up, marching over to him. He wisely takes several steps backwards as you whip out your pistol. 

“Give me one more goddamn reason, you cockroach,” you hiss. “I won’t hesitate to kill you.” 

He whips out his own gun and points it at you. “You don’t have the guts, little girl.” 

“Wanna bet? You ain’t the first person I killed, though I’m not sure I can really define you as a person.” 

By this time, your argument has attracted the attention of many of the others. They form a circle and watch, but no one dares interrupt. You get the feeling that most of them want you to kill him. The majority of them have had problems with him too. 

“Woe!” Dutch says, walking over with his hands in the air. “There is no need to have guns drawn in camp. Both of you fools, put them away.” 

He stands next to Micah and glares from him to you. Arthur stands a few feet behind him and shakes his head at you, clearly trying to stop you from doing something reckless.

“She started it, Dutch,” Micah says, his gun still drawn. 

“Bullshit! You’re the one going around insulting everyone. Trust me, if I don’t shoot you now, someone else will. Like Lenny said back in Colter, when you fall there’ll be a party.” 

“Watch your mouth,” he growls. “Keep flapping your gums and you’ll end up just like Lenny and Hosea. Better yet, maybe you’ll get your head shot off like good ol’ Sea-”

Before he can finish, he’s silenced by your bullet slamming into his neck. He sputters and drops his gun, grabbing at his gushing neck. People start yelling and Javier and Bill grab you, making you drop your gun. 

“Let go of me!” you scream as Micah falls to his knees. Dutch glares at you, clearly shocked. As Micah slumps down onto his stomach, he stomps towards you. Javier and Bill hold your arms tight and you can’t fight them off. 

“You know the rules, Y/N,” Dutch says quietly. “There’s absolutely no reason to shoot anyone in camp unless they’re traitors.”

“How do you know Micah wasn’t a traitor, Dutch?” you snarl. “Ever since Guarma, those damn Pinkertons have been nipping at your heels more than ever.” 

Dutch lowers his brow. “I’m going to give you five minutes to get away from here. Never come back, Y/N. I never want to see you around here again.” 

Javier and Bill let you go, but you look around, silently pleading with the others to help you. No one does and your eyes finally fall onto Arthur. His mouth is partially open but his eyes say he wishes you hadn’t done it. He says nothing though, and you feel your stomach drop. Of course he’d choose Dutch over you. He’s known him for twenty years and Dutch saved his life. You’ve only known him a few years and maybe helped him get out of a few scrapes. You’ve got nothing on Dutch when it comes to Arthur. You don’t blame him either. No matter what kind of mess Dutch has gotten everyone into, Arthur’s been doing his best to keep things together. All you’ve done is create a bigger mess for him to clean up. 

You know it’s time for you to leave. There’s no doubt in your mind that Dutch is just crazy enough to kill you, and the clock is ticking. You push your way between Tilly and Karen and go to your tent, packing everything up quickly. You feel everyone’s eyes on your back until Grimshaw barks at everyone to get to work and for Charles and John to get Micah’s body taken out of camp. You throw everything onto your horse and then run off down the path, feeling your heart break. You’ll never see any of them again, not even Arthur. Your best friend and the man you love will never be part of your life again. 

********************************

It’s been three weeks since you were forced to leave camp. You’ve gone back west, back to where you’ve always belonged. You’ve found a small cabin not too far from Aurora Basin in Tall Trees. When you first arrived, the cabin had clearly been abandoned for a long time. You cleaned it up and made it habitable. You’ve decided to hang up the hat on being an outlaw. The Pinkertons won’t be coming out this way looking for the Blackwater robbers, not when they know exactly where Dutch is, so you’re safe out here. Besides, you weren’t even involved in that mess, so no one will associate you with that. 

It’s been lonely but peaceful out here. No more having to rob people, no more feeling like you’re chasing your own tail in Dutch’s crazy schemes. No more having to worry about anyone else besides yourself. You’ve missed them though, all of them. You miss joking with Tilly and Karen, discussing books with Mary-Beth, listening to Javier’s stories about Mexico. Even Pearson’s cooking since you’re not much of one yourself. 

More than all of that though, you miss Arthur. You miss the sound of his voice, the conversations you had during long hunting trips. He was the only person you could tell anything to. There were many nights you spent under the stars with him and even a few curled against him to keep out the cold. You miss the way he smelled, the way he’d hesitatingly touch you. You two were a perfect hunting team, you were able to track and kill prey without hardly saying a word. You try to settle with the idea that you’ll just have to reminisce in the memories of him but to forget a future with him in it. Not that you had much hope for that before. Arthur may have told Mary to take care of herself from now on, but you always knew he;d never go for you. 

You’ve been fishing in the lake for some time and gotten hardly any luck. You sigh and decide to call it a day, collapse your pole and pick up your almost empty bucket. You head up the road, feeling lonely and missing the company of your family. When you round the bend leading to your cabin, you look up and see a familiar face. 

“Arthur?” you say quietly, not sure if he’s really there or not. 

He rubs his jaw and looks at you, clearly searching for the right words. You stop and look for him, your stomach clenching. Has Dutch sent him? Dutch said you only had five minutes to get out of camp, but not that he wouldn’t hunt you down. The only reason you can think that Arthur’s here is because Dutch told him to find and kill you. You hover your hand over your gun, hoping you won’t have to use it. 

“Arthur, please let me explain,” you say. “You know Micah was just making things worse. Let’s just put this all behind us, okay? Just tell Dutch you killed me, at least do me that favor.” 

“Dutch didn’t send me, Y/N,” he says softly, his hands on his gunbelt. He takes a step towards you but stops when you back up, clearly worried. He raises his hands. “I ain’t here to hurt ya, darlin’.” 

Darlin’? He’s never called you that before. He’s always addressed you by your name. If you didn’t know Arthur, you’d think he might be lying and pretending to be harmless, but you know him too well. He doesn’t lie. 

You blink heavily, feeling your eyes water. “Why else would you be here, Arthur?” 

He sighs and takes another step towards you, his hands still up. “Y/N, I ain’t followin’ Dutch no more. You said it weeks ago, he’s gone crazy. He didn’t get better when you left either. Micah might not have been around to stir him up, but he’s just gone worse. He was real angry when Charles and I went and broke Eagle Flies out of jail, tryin’ to clean up his mess.” 

Arthur goes on to say how the army tried to kill Chief Rains Fall for the oil on his land and how the gang went to help try and save Eagle Flies as he went to get revenge for his people. By the end, Arthur got trapped beneath a soldier and nearly killed. Dutch had been the only one there and could have easily saved him, but chose not to. When Arthur confronted him about it, a huge fight broke out between them and Arthur decided he’d had enough. He snuck John, Abigail and Jack out that night and then decided to find you. 

“I knew you’d come out west, Y/N. You’re too much like me, this is where you’ve always wanted to belong.” 

“But why would you want to come after me, Arthur? I understand why you left, but why come after me?” 

He lowers his hand and walks up to you until he’s only a couple feet away. “Because I care about ya, Y/N.” His gruff voice is soft, sending shivers down your arms. “Because you’ve always tried to help me. If you’d been there, I know you woulda saved my life, not leave me to die like Dutch did. I did everything I could for him, even almost died for him multiple times. I gave him everything I had and got nothin’ to show for it. I’m done, darlin’. I want to be with you.” 

Your entire body is shaking as he talks. He closes the distance between you and wraps his arms around you. What little strength you had holding you together crumbles and you sink into his chest, tears leaking out of your eyes. 

“I’m sorry I weren’t there for ya when you killed Micah,” he says, rubbing your back. “To be honest, I was happy when you killed Micah. He’s been a giant thorn in my side since he showed up and I’ve wanted to shoot him myself since Sean died. I was just shocked that you’d done it so quickly. I shoulda gone with you when Dutch forced you out.” 

You shake your head into his shirt. “No, it’s good you didn’t. If you’d left with me, Dutch would have hunted both of us down. He knows how essential you are to everything, he wouldn’t like it if you left with me.” 

He sighs and leans his cheek against your head. “Well, I’m here now, darlin’. If you’ll have me, I’d like to stay with ya as long as I possibly can. You’re my best friend and…” He pauses so long you look up at him to find his cheeks red. “I gotta be honest, Y/N, I’ve been sweet on ya for years.” 

It’s your turn to blush and you smile. “Really? Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“We had things so good, Y/N. We been friends so long, worked so well together, I didn’t wanna ruin that. Besides, I know you wouldn’t have feelings for me. I’m just an old, dirty outlaw. I ain’t worth no one’s time.” 

You grimace at him. “Arthur, I hate how poorly you view yourself. You wanna know what I think about you?” 

“I suppose, though I doubt it’ll be anythin’ good.” 

You sigh and stretch up, placing your lips against his. They’re soft, though slightly chapped. He tenses up when you touch him but after a second he responds. His lips move with yours and you trace his with your tongue. After a moment, you pull away. He’s cheeks are darker but he’s smiling. 

“That’s what I think of you, Arthur. I’d love it even more if you decided to stay with me. I’ve been sweet on you for the longest time, it’s been so hard for me to keep it out of our relationship. I just didn’t wanna ruin our friendship.” 

He smiles in and leans in to kiss you again. You feel the first surge of excitement and happiness since you got kicked out of the gang. You can’t wait to see what the future has in store for you now.

[nxxxon]

hello,                            ----- LONG POST BTW

i’ve been staying up late these past couple of days just thinking of new ways to go about my weight loss journey. i feel like going back to my old ways, counting calories, excessive restricting, self hatred, constantly looking & comparing my body to someone else’s etc, is not a good way to go about this. so i’m going to attempt to lose the weight in a more healthier way but at the same time fast. or faster. so here are some of my ideas: 

1: only cut out junk foods / fast food , especially things with a lot of processed sugar. everything else is okay, i think stressing over everything i “can’t” eat is not the way to go. i really want to keep my mental this time around & constantly making rules about what i can and cannot do does not help, when i restrict too much i feel like the walls are closing in on me, like when i diet, it’s like nothing else matters, the only thing that matters is losing all this weight and that’s just not true. i have more important things to spend my time and energy on so i don’t want to obsess over this, just keep a level head & don’t be so hard on myself & things will just run a lot smoother. the more you think how hard it is, well, the more hard it is! so just think, this is easy, i got this, i don’t even have to stress over this.

2: move. keep moving, constantly, when i’m just chillin listening to lo-fi music i should be walking around, i already do this subconsciously anyways but i thought i should write it down cause i don’t always do it. 

3: go outside, i think this will really help me stay positive, staying inside all the time really distorts your view of things. when things get really hard, i like to go outside, day or night & just walk or ride my bike. when i’m inside all day, i tend to get into my head a lot & i might stress over something and then take a short walk outside, enjoying nature, and come back inside and realize that thing i was so worried about was really nothing. everything’s not black & white, good or bad, so don’t stress so much just chill, the bad feelings won’t last forever. 

4: don’t diet, change your lifestyle. i feel when i diet it sets me up for failure, because it’s a diet, meaning it’s not long term. it promises you happiness in the short term but can leave you depressed in the long term if things don’t go as planned, if you “slip up” or “eat too much” or “didn’t work out hard enough” like you we’re “supposed to”. no fuck that. i’m really done hating myself for just eating like a normal human being. i don’t diet anymore, instead i build healthy habits everyday, and that may sound like oh it’ll take so long, but it doesn’t have to. the more you keep thinking about something a certain way the more it’ll be that way. so just keep positive thoughts, sounds easier than it looks, maybe.

5: fruits-veggies-water, & maybe some grains too. these are the thing’s i’ll mainly focus on eating & drinking. it’s not that i can’t eat anything else but that these are more healthier options. plus they taste rlly good :) just keepin things simple. 

6: aim to actually work out 2-3 times a week, i said a lot previously like walking & bike riding is what i’ll be doing a lot of, but i also thinking on top of that adding in a 10-15-30 minute workout every other day is reasonable. it could be an actual workout video i watch or maybe just taking 20 minutes to practice a k-pop dance i like, i feel like dancing would be my preferred method. 

7: focus on other things, losing weight isn’t everything. i want to be healthy & i will be healthy, spiritually, mentally & physically. so i’ll continue working on my current hobbies & finding new ones as well, and i’ll try to make friends from that too. just don’t make weight loss & your body your whole life. there’s so much more to me & you than just what our bodies look like. 

8: surround myself with positivity, that means stop looking at proana tumblr all the freaking time. i haven’t been back in so long & i looked at #proana for like 5 minutes and i just was going through a whirlwind of emotions. it starts with thinspo, ok simple enough, then tips on safe foods, ok ok, then ed memes haha funny, then meanspo, really really mean meanspo, then to people ranting about things that literally don’t matter at all but they hate themselves so much that they make it matter for them, then people calling for groupchats only for you to find out you don’t fit the “weight requirement” to join their group, to suicidal quotes that for some reason you start to resonate with, then so on and so on. it’s just a toxic mess. so you have to take yourself out of that toxic mess, and stop asking to be saved cause the only person who can save you is you! i mean maybe your friends or family try to help but at the end of the day it’s up to you. so chose to love yourself. because i love myself, and i love you too. <3 

p.s. sorry i write so much i’m really passionate about this stuff because it used to take over my life, and the only reason i’m on here is because i had a slip up & started to have these dark thoughts again & i’m writing positive tips to cope and convince myself that i deserve to be happy & healthy, because i do and you do too. 

[theravenclawmonster]

I thought getting diagnosed would be able to get me help...(post 2 of dunno how many)

The previous post of this series of posts can be found in this link post 1

Trigger warning: This post (and the later continuation posts after it titled the same) may contain mentions of abuse, mental illness, suicidal thoughts and many more things which i will try to edit in it after writing the post(s) (hopefully i’ll remember to) [yes, this is the same in all posts in series]

Disclaimer: this is just a written account of events that happened in my life in the past few weeks and my emotional/ physical response to those events. I am writing this here so that it stays here as help for people to read and maybe see what certain things feel like, and as proof or diary for when i forget what really happened and start to believe her words. Also, this is going to be a long post... a very long post. 

Okay, where was i? The first visit to the doctor. I had my tests done and bought the acidity medicine and the vitamins he suggested (i had already started to take vitamins again since a couple of weeks before, he just added folic acid to that. I also have a bit of an issue with vitamins and people telling me to eat them indicating that all will be well after that; but more about that later). in the pharmacy, my mother was pretty upset with me cuz i kicked her out of the room and told me some stuff i don’t want to remember right now. ummm... basically she said “ why did you ask me to leave, what secret were you going to tell the doctor? what did you tell him we did to you? i know what you think about me. you could have just said it all in front of me. what was with all the secrecy” [funnily enough, although i did ask her to leave, my reason was cuz i can’t really speak in front of her (she interrupts a lot too) and i was worried that i’d cry and didn’t want to hear about it for another 6 months. there was no secret or i didn’t even think about mentioning the abuse, cuz how do you just go to a stranger and say “ hi i am in pain and my parents abuse me”. even asking for help for my pain was demanding enough for me.] . she also “informed” me very angrily that the it wasn’t allowed for a woman to be alone with a male doc, a nurse must be present (which was not present) and that is probably why doc didn’t do the proper physical checkup. Well! he should have (if he thought an extensive one was necessary; he did check my breathing and stomach softness), called a nurse in or my mother in. i didn’t have any issues with him doing my physical checkup alone too.  and he didn’t mention anything about that to me at all.

Anyway, I went back thinking God knows how long was this process was going to take and if i had the energy to fight for myself and make people believe that i was actually in a lot of pain. the reports came back fine (the expensive test one too, to much displeasure of my father “but this came back fine, so expensive for no use. why did he even write that test?” as if it would have been somehow better to get a positive test back for a disease?! I really don’t know how his mind works. By the time all reports were in, it was time for my appointment at the psychiatrist and it was decided to go to her first, then on our way back show the reports to our primary doc. that way we could also talk to him about what she said.

Oh wait, i forgot to mention in my last post. the doctor only suggested the psychiatrist and later sent me her number saying that i have told her about you please take an appointment. i had to call her and i asked about her fees which she very nicely said would be discounted and that helping me and understanding what was stressing me was more important. I felt so weird then, i don’t really hear these type of things very often.... or almost ever. 

going to the clinic was easy enough, of course my mother and father accompanied me. and my mother did follow in. [let me just add that i only remember about half of what happened so...] the doctor ( hereby referred to as Psy lady) asked me “so, how are you?” and i said “ i’m good *smiled awkwardly as she realised that was not what she meant to ask*. she was like okay, how do you feel and what do you want to discuss me with. so i just sat there like a dumbass. then i asked her how much the other doc told her about me. she said it was just that you are his patient and needs psychiatric help in his opinion.

I am just going to make a dialogue format written account for that and the next doctor’s visit as this seems way too confusing.

At that time (not sure) my mother interrupted;

Mother: *turned to me* “if you don’t mind may i tell her the history etc” *in pointed politeness*

Me: “ok.”

Mother: *launched from how i was such a brilliant smiling child and wanted to take this scholarship abroad but she said no* *went off a long tangent about how she was just being a nice worried parent in controlling my life and now feels guilty cuz i can’t let it go* *finished by saying* “Dr., she just can’t forget that, she is stressed no job plus the lock down etc you know how it is. then she found out she has scoliosis in january and i think she has taken it to heart, like really it is completely asymptomatic and i have asked the doc she won’t have any problems cuz of it in the future” (i am guessing she meant having babies but really who knows) “she has just taken stress over that”.

Psy lady : *scribbled something on her paper* “My i have some time alone with her?”

Mother: “yes yes sure” *left* 

Psy lady : “so tell me a bit about yourself.”

Me: *was still fuming and recoiling and shaking in my seat cuz i just don’t understand until how long is my mother going to throw that in my face. it has been years and i wasn’t even that upset about it (at least i just quietly internalized it) but she refused, controlled my life (since birth btw and still does now) and not even let me do anything else i want to do, nor find a job, then proceeded to throw her ‘oh i feel so guilty, i am such a good parent. i have commited a crime by being caring and now i must be punished oh!’ at me. Like where am i in all that? you say no, you control, your guilt, your love, your care, your image as a parent that must never be broken. where am i in all that? ALSO you never listen to my complains about pain so shut up* 

Psy lady: ...

Me: “umm... hi... i umm never had a dream, but then i found this thing in my mid-twenties and i loved it, but they didn’t let me pursue it, then didn’t let me do anything. and now they act like i am a burden on them. now i have nothing to do or like, and i can’t even find a job or have anywhere to go. i don’t even really wanna die, i am just tired” *burst into tears yet again as i realized i had no idea why i was telling her all that and it felt so fake and story like at the same time*    “... i can’t even breathe and i am in so much pain all the time that i feel like detached from my body cuz every time i try to be in it it fucking hurts.”

Psy lady: “are your parents always this much controlling” *pointed to the door indicating my mother*

Me: “they are emotionally abusive”

Psy lady: *had been looking into my eyes but looked away at the word abusive and didn’t say anything*

Me: *continued after a little shock that i actually said it out loud* “I can’t walk, my knees hurt” *tried to repeat almost all that was possible from the previous doc*   *also told her about feeling dissociative and explained a bit how that feels for me* * told her all about how i was fine in dragging me through life but now that my body has suddenly collapsed (where as before it was just emotional pain and numbness and occasional body pains in back and stuff nothing too overwhelming or maybe i was mentally strong to ignore it) i feel very scared and lost. I was dealing with everything fine on my own even when i felt like dying but now i cant handle anything, i can’t even act in front of others; something i am exceptionally good at* *talked about lowered brain function, slowness, low blood pressure, no energy suddenly, not being able to retain information or remember anything, not having a concept of time and memory*

Psy lady: *explained about DPDR disorder and asked me about sleep eating etc.*

Me: *repeated the same: loved sleep can’t now, loved eating can’t now* 

After some time of explaining asking and answering, she said that i have depression and what happens is that our brain stops making certain chemicals and to get it to make them again we have 2 options. one is medicine; the other is motivation and exercises. it seems like the latter would be hard for me (and i confirmed that i infact cannot walk or do almost anything and exercise is too painful cuz pain everywhere) she said that the best route in my situation is to start the medicine for some weeks (she said she’d not give them for more than 4 months; whole course including tapering them out) and explained that the medicines were very safe and answered all my queries about dependency on them or side effects etc. I said if that is what she thinks would be best and if taking them means i could feel alive again and my brain function would return to normal.

she then asked me to bring my mother back in. she explained the medicines to her and said i have diagnosed her with MDD. My mother asked what is that. She said Moderate Depressive disorder. my mother asked if the medicine was necessary. she  said yes, and to not worry as these were safe and she’s only giving to get me started and pull me out of this extreme state, only for a short time. she also said that come back after 10 days of eating these, so we can see the effect and the side effects if any, and that day she’d also get me an appointment for a psychologist who worked in the same clinic as she thinks it would help me immensely. we agreed. took the medicine and left for the doc no. 1′s clinic. My mother didn’t say anything.

we reached his office and throughout the short car ride and while sitting there waiting for my turn, i was feeling very... accomplished? enthusiastic? Dunno... I was just trying not to cry cuz i finally had it written on paper, i was finally diagnosed, i had finally gotten help. yes, it was only a start and i don’t know much about how doctors work diagnosis and how much more can be added in future visits but it was a start. i finally did something to actually help me.

Finally, our turn came. we showed him the reports and told him what she said and prescribed. My mother asked him if the meds were necessary. 

doc: “yeah they really believe in starting meds right away.”

mother: “I don’t want her to take them, it’s like giving up. she can use her will power and get better right?” [she also added something very weird like ‘these stamps (mental disorders diagnosed on paper) are not good for a woman’ or something along this line]

Doc: “yes she can. i too would suggest she do that.”

Mother: *went off on a long tangent about how when she was my age she had depression after having my older sister. but she will-powered through it and didn’t take the meds etc*

doc: “yes i agree, but it really depends on her is she willing to do it” *in a tone that suggested that i should say yes immediately and will-power though life*

Me: * realizing no one is listening to me* “doctor, can you please talk with the Psy lady and ask her if they are necessary in her opinion cuz i have no will left to power though with.”

Doc: “okay.” *called her and talked right then* * told her that he thinks it would be better to willpower through it?

Mother: “well she can will-power through right?”

Doc: “well the Psy lady said that she has been powering through with her will power for years; she has none left anymore. so she thinks that meds are the best option and besides” *looked at the prescription again* “these meds are not addictive and very safe.”

Mother: * insisted on no meds for 15 more minutes and had a long discussion with doc about praying, watching motivational speakers and what not*

doc: *joined in enthusiastically*

Me: *stared into the distance and stops listening with my wobbly neck and painful back*

Doc: “well she is not even listening. can you do it? exercise?”

me: “no it hurts, as i have explained before, not like the yayy muscle cramping up cuz i worked out way and i will love exercise in 2 weeks time way. No! the tendons hurt the bones hurt the joints hurt extremely painfully and it increases with time, even after 2-3 weeks it doesn’t get better.”

Doc: “okay, how about friends? social life? what do you do at home etc”

Me: “my friends are not here, i never made new ones. no social life. even when i was going to class before the lock down, it was from home to uni, uni to home. had no friends there. and i did walked in uni for about half an hour or even more but it hurt in the beginning, i thought okay, cramps (although my knees and heels were very painful too) but it almost felt like it got better (the cramps part) but then it got way worse and after a month i couldn’t walk for more than 10 minutes at a very slow painful speed.”

Doc: *asked about pets, anything that would suggest i was a living being with a life*

Me: “pets are not allowed and so is leaving the house by myself.”

Mother: *interjected* “we have never restricted her for anything.”

By this time, i had frankly given up and i don’t remember what happened next or where the conversation went. just remember something along the lines of “ for these 10-15 days before the next Psy lady appointment, let her do whatever she likes to, don’t ask her don’t control her. let her start up her social life again. she needs to be around friends and the things she can enjoy” something like this. to which my mother said very confidently “sure whatever she wants to do”

then, we left his office and in the car she told me to “not eat the meds as we have ‘now discussed it with your doctor”

this is getting way longer. i think i’d make one more post about it, or maybe one more after that for bits that i forgot. this post seems so badly written upon second inspection. this is not even the 40% of what happened but i don’t remember what happened exactly, or even the timeline.

The third and hopefully last post of this series can be found here post 3

[oppsie--channie]

SKZ Song Tag

tagged by @honeyjxsung --- ily baby

entrance: if you could speak any other language which would you choose?

korean, japanese and spanish i think

miroh: what was the last thing you tried for the first time?

I can’t remember a lot because my mind is just ugh... but I tried posting my writing in here last year (2019) and it’s been a good experience so far

victory song: when was the last time you accomplished something really big? what was it?

I really don’t think I’ve accomplished anything big ://

maze of memories: what’s your best memory?

I honestly don’t have just one,,, but I’ll say that meeting my two best friends after two/three years with seeing or talking to each other are very good memories

boxer: do you like physical activity?

I actually don’t really like physical activity but I love badminton and dancing, sooo yeah

chronosaurus: who’s your favourite greek god(dess)?

OMG YES I HAVE A LIST OF THIS, BUT I don’t have just one, sooooo I love Hades, Athena, Zeus, Poseidon, Apollo, Selene and Peitho :))))

19: what kinds of worries do you have about your future?

I’m worried about not getting into college, about not finding a good job, about not finding someone right for me, about getting distant with my friends of “now”, and some other things...

road not taken: if you were going to a deserted island, what three things would you take?

a book of survival, a water purifier and a first aid kit

side effects: list some possible side effects from stanning stray kids

happiness, feel loved, always having something to listen to (btw I’m listening to them rn), having a safe place in their hearts. Basically just feel like you’re HOME! And HOME as in something you make yourself and not an actual physical place

tmt: do you like astronomy?

I really like it! I love the moon and the stars, and I like reading horoscopes even tho I don’t make my decisions based on it like some other people do, but I find it super interesting

mixtape 1: do you doubt yourself at all?

yes, constantly

mixtape 2: what’s something that gets you through a rough time?

MUSIC is my safe place! Whenever I feel down I put my earphones in and just jam to some music, it always puts me in a better mood

mixtape 3: what’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

I don’t really remember but if I have to say something that made an impact and will make an even bigger impact in the future was that this year my parents paid for me to take my drivers license and I AM TAKING IT!!!!!

mixtape 4: when was the last time you got lost?

Physically: I don’t remember but probably when I was a child. I didn’t have the urge to go explore much without my parents but I think I lost myself at the shopping one time tho

Figuratively: probably in 9th grade... at that time basically my whole class hated me and talked bad about me behind my back (imagine 26 kids hating you, it’s awful), and honestly I think I was starting to get depression... I had suicidal thoughts all the time and when I would find myself alone I would always cry for an hour or so... But I got through it with the help of my best friends at the time and now most of them don’t even talk to me

stop: where do you want to be most right now?

I would really like to be in a Stray Kids Fansign... Just so I could touch their hands and tell them how much they mean to me

double knot: if you directed a movie about your life, what genre would it be?

definitely a drama mixed with comedy and romance

levanter: when was the last time you had to give something up?

It’s not a big or significant thing but I gave up of my time alone in my room to be with my family on the living room for New Year’s night. Which is kinda of a big deal for me since I basically only get out of my room to eat or to go to the bathroom

booster: what are three songs that get you hyped up?

UGH, there’s so many but at this moment Miroh definitely, Juicy - Doja Cat and Tyga, My Pace

astronaut: if you could go on an adventure anywhere, where would you go?

I would go to Australia or to Korea or to the USA

sunshine: tag some blogs who brighten up your dash

@honeyjxsung @mintymiknow

you can stay: when did stray kids become your home?

I knew them since Hellevator era but I didn’t look into them until My Pace era, that’s when I fell in love with them. At the time I was really into EXO and GOT7 (don’t get me wrong, I still am but...) and Stray Kids stole me from them, literally. In November from 2018, I knew that they were (are) my ultimate group, aka my HOME,(with Chan being my ultimate bias) and that whatever happens they are never gonna stop being my HOME

mixtape 5: do you have an article of clothing you always wear?

leggings, t-shirt and hoodie instead of pj’s eheh

Tagging: @mintymiknow and whoever wants to do this, because it was so much fun and it made me think about a lot of things

[jbk405]

Maybe I’ll get that List out tonight after all

Avengers: Endgame spoilers.

SPOILERS.

SPOILERS.

Do not read further.

In no particular order...

1) The entire climactic fight makes no sense.

Thor already beat Thanos all by himself at the climax of Infinity War.  Not just beat him, but beat him easily.  Beat him easily when Thanos had all six infinity stones.  Thor took a direct energy blast from the Infinity Gauntlet without even noticing it and literally cleaved through it with Stormbreaker.  It took him all of five seconds, and Thanos had to literally re-write reality to get around it.

This Thanos is four years older than the Thanos we saw in Infinity War, pulled out of time from the first Guardians of the Galaxy movie.  He’s functionally nothing but a roving warlord, powerful on a human scale yes but also reduced to working with the likes of Ronan and Loki.  Outcasts and vagabonds working as mercenaries.  And he’s weak enough that Ronan was comfortable telling him to piss off once he got a single infinity stone of his own.  The thought that Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor -- Thor wielding both Mjolnir and Stormbreaker -- together couldn’t take him down without any stones in his possession is ridiculous.  When you add in the likes of Captain Marvel -- who we see punch through warships singlehandedly -- I wonder what the point of the entire affair is.

On that note...

2) This Thanos barely even knows Earth.  All his talk at the end about how he’s going to enjoy destroying the Earth, about how they’ve finally made it personal and earned his ire, makes no sense.  He has had only one single encounter with the planet, when he sponsored Loki’s invasion in The Avengers.  He hasn’t even dealt with Peter Quill and the Guardians and made the connection that Peter’s from Earth, to then by transference blame Earth for the betrayal of Gamora and Nebula.  He’s got absolutely zero beef with either the planet or the Avengers.

This Thanos hasn’t reached into his safe in frustration at the end of Age of Ultron to pull out the Infinity Gauntlet and claim he’ll do it himself, he’s at the start of the quest.

And on that note...

3) In Guardians of the Galaxy Gamora had already decided to betray Thanos in the timeframe when she appears here.  We see her attempting to steal the stone from Peter Quill as soon as he shows up on Xandar.  Nebula hadn’t already decided to betray Thanos, but that was only because she didn’t think it was viable and she jumped ship to Ronan the second he got the stone and said he would turn against Thanos.  The idea that past-Nebula would try to prove her loyalty to Thanos when she’s seen that future-Nebula has already seen him die and later refuse to turn against him, and that Past-Gamora would need to be convinced by future-Nebula, is ridiculous.  These two were aching for the opportunity to betray Thanos.

4) The Avengers compound is destroyed by a bombardment from a spaceship, which presumably has destructive technology at least comparable to a modern-day missile, and not one single Avenger dies?  Not even the purely-human, non-mechanized, unprotected humans?  Tony got more knocked about by the helicopter attack on his home in Iron Man 3.

5) Why the hell is Alexander Pierce walking in the lobby of Stark Tower practically during the invasion of New York?  Yeah, yeah, fun cameo callback and Hydra tie-in and all that, but there are still Chitauri corpses falling from the sky at this point.  He shouldn’t have had time to even get here, let alone actually done so.  Same with Sitwell and the Strike team.  Again yeah, fun elevator bit, but it makes no sense.

And on that note...

6) Why the heck are the Avengers trying to steal the stones from their past selves instead of just asking for them?  They state repeatedly and explicitly that they are not worried about paradoxes or damage to the timeline, that no matter what they do they will not change their own history, so in that case why not have Stark fly up to the group as they’re huddled around Loki and say “Hey, we’re from the future and we need that glowing blue box”.  And if they think that won’t work -- past-Avengers might assume it’s an illusion from Loki as Past-Cap did -- why not have that as a backup plan in case their original plan falls through?  When Future-Cap is accosted by Past-Cap who demands to know who he is, why doesn’t he even once say “Time travel”?  Even if Past-Cap doesn’t believe him and they fight anyway why not try?

7) Why do Natasha and Clint jump directly to a suicide contest?  Why don’t either of them turn to the Red Skull and try shooting him?  Try tying him up and interrogating him?  Try rappelling down the cliff to see if the stone is just waiting for them at the bottom?  Why not try anything instead of just saying “Oh, crap, I guess it’s time to bump myself off”?  It’s not like they’re on a tight timeline or anything.

8) The un-snap at the end isn’t a Happy Ending and I can’t understand why the movie tried to portray it as one.  Sure, it’s happier than letting everybody stay snapped, but it’s been five years.  Parents are going to come back to find that their kids died in the chaos.  Spouses are going to find their loved ones have either mourned them and moved on, or been fixated and depressed for five years.  At the very least you missed formative years, like Scott and Cassie (BTW, I don’t care what timetravel shenanigans they need to do in the next Ant-Man movie, they better get Abby Ryder Fortson back as Cassie).  Society has crumbled and been reshaped, the entire population will have mass PTSD.  This is going to be like somebody returning home after the end of World War II: It’s good that the war is over but it still happened.  They specifically shaped the un-snap so that it wasn’t a reset button, which means that the universe is still absolutely wrecked.

I’m not the only one who realizes this, right?

9) The biggest problem: The close-out with Steve Rogers does not work.  Not on any level.

As I lightly touched on above in Point 6, this time-travel operates on the branching timeline theory: Every alteration to the timeline generates a new reality spinning from that point and does not change the past/future of the timeline that you came from.  This isn’t my theory, this is explicitly stated by the characters and is shown to be how it works.  They cannot alter their own history.  So no, Steve cannot go back and live out his life in the past and then take the Slow Path to get back to “now”: If he did decide to stay in the past it would generate a completely new timeline and “our” Sam, Bucky, and Banner would never see him again.

If alterations to the timeline do effect “this” timeline then their actions in this movie should have wiped out their entire recent history.  Loki escaped with the Tesseract after the Battle of New York, not being brought back to Asgard and not being caught in the Dark Elf attack, from there never impersonating Odin and thereby causing Hela to escape and later help start Ragnarok.  Thanos disappears four years before he performs the Snap.  Nebula died.  If these things now happened in the past of the main timeline then the entire current MCU would be different.

Thematically....what the fuck?  As I saw somebody else say in a post, practically Steve’s entire arc in the MCU has been him chasing after Bucky and now he just hops right to the past when he finally has Bucky back and conscious and sane for the first time?  Barely even says goodbye, instead spending more time talking with Sam?  Again talking with Sam when he comes back?  I love Sam Wilson and he damn well better be Captain America going forward, but Steve’s plotline has literally been about Bucky.  Where’s their drawn-out goodbye and legacy?  All they get is one single back-and-forth callback. Why didn’t Steve consider bringing Bucky back with him to give him the chance to live the life he deserved?

Still on this same point, why the hell would Steve not tell Sam about Peggy?  What possible reason could there be for him to keep that a secret?  Forget the fact that Sam already knows who Peggy Carter is, even if she was a stranger to him why wouldn’t Steve tell a friend about the woman he married?  Even if we-the-audience didn’t hear it because they wanted to keep it vague for some reason, they could have just faded out on Steve’s smile.  What possible reason was for him to actually say he wouldn’t tell Sam about her?

All told, the movie was actually a lot better than I expected.

[all-hail-the-witcher]

hi there can you write some canon ralbert angst? I love your writing btw it always makes my day

holy freaking gosh this took for actual ever

it was gonna be longer but it’s already pretty damn long and I’m tired

if anyone likes it enough (excluding you twitch) I do have enough planned for a part 2

this is the bridge hypothermia thing btw

__________

ship: ralbert

genre: hurt comfort angst

warnings: like a .2 second suicide mention, but it’s a misunderstanding do, hypothermia, someone falling off a bridge, uhh snow ? idrk 

word count: 3377 yike

editing: ish

___________

Albert paced back and forth across the common room of the lodging house. Race should have been home from selling an hour ago. Normally, Albert wouldn’t be worried - Race could hold his own in most situations. But, Albert just had a feeling that something bad had happened. And it had just started snowing.

“Jack, please,” Albert begged for the third time. “Let me go look for him. Or send someone out. He doesn’t have a good jacket and it’s starting to snow.”

Jack sighed. He had gathered all of the important Manhattan Newsies in the common room because Spot and some of his boys were supposed to be coming over to have a meeting about border disputes with Queens. Albert could see that Jack was torn. It was odd that Race hadn’t come back yet and they did need him for the meeting since he was second in command. But at the same time he couldn’t send out Mush or Specs to go look for him cause they were needed for the meeting and he couldn’t risk sending out the younger boys because they might get lost or freeze.

“Alright,” Jack finally said. “Race is more important than any meeting with Brooklyn. Specs and JoJo you go west, Mush and Finch you go north, Davey and Blink go south and Al and I will go east. No one stay out for more than an hour, okay?”

Everyone nodded, grabbing their jackets and extra socks for their hands before splitting off in their designated directions.

Albert and Jack searched as far as the bridge. Every second that they searched contributed to Albert’s general anxiety about Race. Where was he? Was he bleeding out in an alley? Was he freezing to death? Was he safely back at the lodge?

“Al, we gotta go back,” Jack said after they looked in the same alley for the third time. “We’ve looked everywhere and it’s getting late.”

“Jack, we have to keep going,” Albert begged. “He could be out there, I can’t leave him.”

“Let’s go back to the lodge and reconvene,” Jack said gently, placing his arm around Albert’s shoulders. “Maybe one of the other boys found him.”

Albert gave a weak nod and allowed himself to be steered toward the lodge.

•••

Race was not at the lodge, nor had any other the other boys found him. Albert pulled his knees into his chest as he watched the other boys talk about what they should do next. He wasn’t really listening to what anyone was saying though. His mind was whirring. Where could Race be? Why hadn’t he come home yet? Albert was going to kill him if he wasn’t already dead.

It was around midnight when there was a knock at the lodging house door. Albert’s head snapped up. Race?

Jack opened the lodging house door to reveal, not Race, but Checks, Spot’s second in command.

Jack narrowed his eyes. “Whatrya doin here, Checks? The meetin was supposed to be 2 hours ago. And it’s late and it’s snowing.”

Checks rolled her eyes, stepping inside and pulling off her cap, shaking the show out of her hair. “Spot says he’s sorry about the meeting, but I’m here on other terms.”

“Which might be…?” Jack raised his eyebrows. “What could possibly be so important at midnight for you to trek here all the way from Brooklyn in the snow?”

“If ya stopped runnin your trap for a minute I could tell you,” Checks said, rather annoyed. “Do we got an Albert Dasilva here?”

Albert sprung up from the couch. “Yeah.”

“I need ya to come with me,” she said simply, “back to Brooklyn.”

“An why is that, exactly?” Jack asked before Albert could respond. “Cause we’re dealing with a bit of a situation here right now and I don’t think Al is up for dealin with any Brooklyn business. Heck, he ain’t even one uh the leaders. An I’m not letting him make the trek to brooklyn at midnight in the snow.”

Checks rolled her eyes. “Lemme guess, this little ‘situation’ uh yours is about Race not comin back, right?”

Albert felt his fist tighten at his side. How dare she make light of Race not coming back? He could be dead or frozen somewhere.

Jack beat him to it. “Listen, Checks, I don’t know how things work in Brooklyn, but here in Manhattan, we stick together. An how didja even know Race was missing?”

“Well first of all, he’s the only one that ain’t here right now,” Checks said, surveying the room. “An, Spot pulled him outta the east river 3 hours ago.”

Albert’s knees gave out from under him and he collapsed back on the couch, in too much shock to even cry. He knew something had happened. Why had Race even been in the East River? Was he okay? It was cold out and the water was even colder, not to mention the freaking snow. There was a good chance Race would die of cold exposure, if he wasn’t already dead.

In the midst of his panic, Albert felt someone, probably Mush, put an arm around him and begin to whisper reassurances. Albert almost yanked away, but then he heard what Mush was saying.

“Albert, hey, hey, it’s okay. Shhhhh. Listen to me. Checks just said Race isn’t dead. They’ve got him at the brooklyn lodging house. Spot got him there in time. They’re keeping him warm, but it's too early to tell. Spot wants you there tonight, just in case, okay?”

Albert looked up at Mush blankly.

“Race needs you,” Mush said gently. “You gotta go with Checks.”

“Okay,” Albert whispered, standing shakily and grabbing his jacket.

“Here, Al,” Finch threw his spare jacket at him. “It’s cold out there and we don't need someone else freezing.”

“Thanks, Finch.” Albert pulled Finch’s jacket on on top of his own, pulled on his hat and put his extra socks over his hands.

“Oh, Spot said to bring Race any warmer clothes if he’s got em,” Checks spoke up. “The spares we got ain’t really that great.”

“I got it,” JoJo said, climbing up the stairs to Race’s bunk. He returned a few minutes later with a pape bag filled with Race’s extra clothes and handed it to Albert.

“I’ll be by in the morning to check on you guys,” Jack said, clapping Albert on the back. “Don't let him try anything stupid ya hear? He ain’t allowed back here until he can walk across the bridge by himself.”

Albert let out a weak chuckle. “Will do.” Then, he followed Checks out into the cold.

•••

By the time Albert and Checks reached the Brooklyn lodging house the snow was coming down thick and heavy. Albert was shivering despite his extra jacket and he kept having to blink away the snow that was collecting on his eyelashes.

Checks pulled open the door to the lodging house and ushered Albert inside quickly. Inside, the common room was empty except for a bed that someone had pulled near the fireplace. From where Albert was standing it looked like there were two people laying in the bed, one holding the other tightly.

At the sound of the door opening one of the people got up from the bed, carefully tucking the blanket around the other before walking over to greet Albert and Checks.

Albert was only half surprised to see Spot. He looked tired, disheveled even, and he was wearing a long sleeve shirt with a tear in the sleeve.

“Good, you made it,” Spot sighed before turning to Checks. “You're in charge until further notice.”

Checks gave him a curt nod. “Make sure you get some sleep.”

Spot rolled his eyes and gave Checks a gentle push toward the stairs. “Go to bed, Checks, you gotta lotta stuff to do in the morning.”

Spot waited until Checks disappeared upstairs to turn to Albert. “I’m so glad you’re here,” he said, walking back toward the bed and motioning for Albert to follow. “I was gonna wait until morning to send someone to come grab you but I figured you lot would be worried. And it’s still kinda touch and go.”

Albert swallowed hard. “What happened exactly?”

“I don’t know,” Spot sighed. “I was heading to Hattan with Checks for the meeting with you lot when I see someone fall off the bridge. I didn’t even realize it was Race until I pulled him out uh the water.” Spot sat down on the edge of the bed., placing his hand on the person’s head who was laying in the bed.

It took Albert half a second to realize that Race was the person who was laying next to Spot. He almost didn’t recognize him under all the blankets. Race’s skin was pale and some spots had splotchy red patches, his eyes were closed and his lips were slightly blueish. Spot had covered his head with a blue knit hat and the blankets were pulled up to his neck. It broke Albert’s heart to see him so weak and vulnerable.

“He jumped off the bridge?” Albert whispered uncertainly, not taking his eyes off Race. He couldn’t believe that Race would do something like that, Why hadn’t he talked to him?

Spots eyes went wide and he put a hand on Albert’s knee. “No, no, he didn't jump. He was looking at the view and someone bumped into him pretty hard and he lost his balance and fell over the edge. It’s a miracle the fall didn't kill him.”

Albert closed his eyes. At least he hadn’t done it on purpose. And thank god Spot had seen it and was able to rescue him. Race couldn’t swim. Albert didn't want to imagine him floundering around in the water, hoping to be rescued.

“Thank you, for pulling him out,” Albert said gratefully. “I don't know what I would do without him.”

“Well, he ain’t off the hook yet,” Spot said. “He was only in the water for maybe 3 minutes tops but he was unconscious when I pulled him out. Still breathing, though. Whacked him on the back several times until he woke up and started coughing. He passed out again on the way back to the lodge. And then, of course, it started to snow on top of that. Poor kid was so cold he wasn’t even shivering anymore. Luckily, I’ve dealt with this kinda situation before so I knew what to do, but if he doesn’t wake up real soon I ain’t too sure if he’s gonna make it.”

Albert looked down at Race’s face, which was blurring slightly due to the tears in his eyes. “Has he woken up at all?”

Spot made a face. “Twice, just for a few seconds. Both times he seemed generally dazed and asked multiple times where he was and what had happened. He didn't really seem to recognize me. I think the cold messed with his brain a little.”

Albert tried not to cry as he stared at Race, looking utterly helpless and small under his mountain of blankets. What would happen if he didn't make it? How would he keep going?

“Did you bring clothes for him?” Spot asked, noting the paper bag Albert was carrying.

Albert nodded, pulling the bag off and placing it on the bed. Inside JoJo had put Race’s thickest undershirt, a pair of knit pants that he was fairly certain belonged to Finch, his own thick flannel shirt and four pairs of mismatched socks. Underneath that there was Race’s quilt from his bed at the lodge - one of the few possessions he had left from the time before he was a newsie - his deck of cards and one of his cigars. Albert smiled, leaving the cards and the cigar in the bag for when - if - Race woke up.

Spot gently removed the blankets from Race and sat him up gingerly, using his shoulder to support Race’s head which had lolled to the side. He removed the threadbare shirt and pants that Race had been wearing with ease, careful not to move his arms and legs too much to prevent any more heat loss. “Hand me that flannel, will ya?”

Albert wordlessly handed Spot JoJo’s flannel shirt and watched as he slipped it over Race’s slightly red skin, buttoning it up carefully.

“I’m gonna need your help with the pants, okay?”

Albert nodded, gently lifting Race’s legs one at a time and slipping them into the legs of Finch’s pants, wincing when his hand touched Race’s ice cold skin. Then, as per Spot’s instruction, he covered Race’s bare feet with two pairs of socks and his hands, which were red and cracked from the cold and selling outside, with the other two pairs.

Spot laid Race back down with obvious care before pulling the two blankets back over him. Albert placed Race’s blanket from the lodge on top.

Spot hopped off the bed. “I’m going to give you two some time together. I’ll be just upstairs cleaning up if you need me.”

“Thanks, Spot,” Albert whispered.

“You should probably get under the blankets with him, ya know, warm him back up using your body heat. That’s what I was doing before ya got here, seems to be helping, especially skin to skin,” Spot said. “Just don't rub him too hard or move him too much, an make sure the fire doesn't go out. An come get me if he really wakes up, still need ta get somethin warm in him.”

Albert nodded, unbuttoning his own flannel shirt and removing his undershirt as Spot climbed upstairs. Once under the covers, Albert undid the buttons on Race’s shirt and gently pressed his warm chest to Race’s freezing one, winding one arm around his upper back and using the other to carefully press Race’s head into his shoulder.

“What am I gonna do with you Tonio?” Albert sighed, pressing a gentle kiss to Race’s temple. “You can’t scare me like this.” Silent tears fell onto Race’s shoulder.

After about 10 minutes, Albert heard a faint moan escape Race’s lips. His stomach flipped. Maybe Race would be okay. “Shhhh,” he whispered soothingly. “You’re okay.”

Race let out another slightly louder moan and tensed under Albert’s soft hold. “Don't worry, baby, I’m not gonna hurt you,” Albert reminded him.

Race pulled back from Albert slightly, a shiver rippling throughout his thin body as he cracked his uncharacteristically dull blue eyes open. Albert was so relieved to see the eyes that he had fallen in love with that he almost cried in relief. Race, however, looked confused.

“Who’re you?” He slurred quietly, trying to wiggle out of Alberts loose grip. “Where’m I? Wha’ ‘append?”

Albert vaguely remembered Spot saying something about Race having trouble remembering things. A few tears dripped from his eyes. Was this going to be permanent? “It’s me, Race,” Albert said gently. “You know me.”

“I do?” Race tried to move further from Albert.

“Yes, yes you do, you just don't remember me right now,” Albert mumbled. “An stop moving, you’re really weak and I don't need you hurting yourself right now.”

“Bu’ I don’ know you,” Race said again, his voice barely a whisper.

“Shhhh, yes you do Tonio, just think, use that brain of yours,” Albert murmured, placing a hand on Race’s forehead. Still cold, but not nearly as bad as before. Albert began to gently stroke Race’s cheek, which he usually did to calm Race’s nerves and ground him.

At his touch, recognition flashed across Race’s face and he smiled slightly. “Albie?”

“Yes, baby, its me. See? I knew you could do it.” Albert gently pulled Race back into his chest. “You’re safe. You fell off the Brooklyn bridge, nearly drowned. Spot brought you back to the Brooklyn Lodging House.”

“Spo’?” Race mumbled into Albert’s neck.

“Yes, Spot Conlon, your friend. He’s the king of Brooklyn.” It was a little worrying that Race was this disoriented, but at least he was awake and talking.

“‘M friends wit’ th’ king o’ Brooklyn?” Race giggled weakly.

“Yes,” Albert soothed. “He’s just upstairs. Very worried about you, just like me.” Race made a pleased noise. “How are you feeling baby?”

“Cold,” Race whispered, “an’ tired.”

“Think you can stay awake a little longer for me?” Albert asked.

“Think so,” Race mumbled.

“Good, cause-” Albert was cut off by Spot creaking down the stairs.

“I heard voices,” Spot called softly. “Is he awake?”

“Yeah,” Albert responded.

Race curled further into Albert’s chest. “Who’s tha’?”

“Shhh, it’s just Spot,” Albert reassured him. Then he turned to Spot. “He doesn’t remember you.”

Spot furrowed his eyebrows. “That’s not good. Does he know who you are?”

Albert nodded slowly. “Took him a few minutes, though.”

Spot lay down on Race’s other side and Race pressed closer to Albert, whining slightly. “Hey, Tonio, it’s okay, it’s just Spot. He’s not gonna hurt you.”

“Ar’ya sure?” Race slurred, moving his head to look up at Albert. His blue eyes looked scared.

“I’m sure,” Albert reassured him, releasing his hold on him slightly so he could look at Spot.

“Hey there Racer,” Spot said softly. “Glad you’re doing better.”

“Albie says yer Spo’.” Race looked up at Spot with confusion.

“I am,” Spot smirked. “How’re you feeling?”

Race groaned. “Why does e’ryon’ care ‘bout how ‘m feelin’? ‘M fine, ‘m jus’ cold ‘nd tired.”

“Race, you fell off the Brooklyn bridge, of course we’re worried about you,” Spot sighed. Even in his weakened, semi conscious state, Race still managed to act like he was fine. “Think you’ll be able to hold down some liquid for me? That should help warm you up.”

“How d’ I know y’ain’t tryna poison me?” Race scowled.

“Race, I would never,” Spot assured him, “you know that.”

“No, I don’,” Race countered. “I don’ even know you.”

Spot sighed. “Yes you do, Racer. You just don’t remember.”

“Pro’e ‘t.”

Albert let out a laugh. At least they knew Race was at least somewhat okay since he was acting like his usual self.

“Well, remember your first day of sellin at the Sheepshead?” Spot asked. “I nearly decked ya for sellin on Brooklyn turf and ya had the nerve to curse me out.”

Race screwed up his face in concentration. “...no?”

“Yer such an idiot,” Spot sighed lightly slapping Race on the head. Albert readied himself to comfort Race. He knew that Spot did that to him all the time, but surely Race wouldn’t react well to a stranger hitting him.

Instead of curling away from Spot though, Race began to smile. “Spottie?”

Spot let out a groan. “Oh so you remember that I hit ya every time ya do somethin stupid, but not when we first met?” He said with fake annoyance. “You cuddle with your boyfriend, I’m gonna get ya somethin warm to drink.”

Race fell back into Albert’s chest. “I r’memba Spo’ now.”

“I’m glad,” Albert kissed his forehead lightly. Still cold. He ignored the sinking feeling in his stomach. If Race didn’t warm up soon, he might not make it through the night. “You feeling any warmer?”

“Lil’ bi’,” Race’s eyelids were drooping, which Albert knew wasn’t a good sign. “Can I take a na’?”

“Not yet,” Albert mumbled. “I need ya to stay awake until Spot gets back cause he’s gettin you somethin to drink.”

Race yawned. “‘m real t’rd Albie.”

“I know you’re tired, baby,” Albert cooed. “But I need you to stay awake for a little longer, okay? Why don’t you tell me how much you love me?”

“Tha’s e’sy.” Race was slurring his words so badly now that Albert could hardly understand him. “Ah lo’be ya so mu’h Albie. Yer th’ be’t. Ya came ‘ere allahth’ way fro’ ha’an jus’ fir me. An’ ya takin’ care uh me an’ bein’ real swee’ an’ gen’le an’ wo’ied ‘bout me. An’ yer ‘oldin’ me an’ tryna keep me ‘arm an’ safe an’ I jus’ lo’be ya so muc’, I wanna be witcha fireva’.”

Albert listened to Race ramble, gently rubbing small circles right below the brim of his hat. “Forever now, huh? Forever is a long time.”

Race pulled away and gave Albert a warm smile. “Not w’en ‘m wit you.”

______________

surprise no one died !!!

this didn’t actually come out at all like I wanted it to and the beginning is really bad welp

spot deserves a medal

also what do we think of checks?

feedback is always appreciated hmu to be on the tag list

tag list

tag list@fairly-awkward-trashcan@well-the-kids-do-too@racetrackcook@bouncyscreamingnewsboys@ughwaitwhat@aw-jus-let-em-try@ben-cook-can-cook@the-woild-is-my-what-now@elmer-s-s0cks@voice-foundshoe-lost@galaxy-trees13@stopthe-presses@ridin-in-style@pinecovewoods@imjusttheoutgoingsidekick@i-got-no-clue-what-im-doing@bencookisagod@be-more-chill-evan-hansen@hellasoulless@stellar-alpaca@saxoph-ella@smolcanadiangirl idk why this one won’t tag@disney-princess-sized@the-kool-aid-man-is-real@the-newsies-justice-for-zas-blog@insane-tomato@so-up-rolls-a-riot-van@spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn@have-we-got-news-for-you

@thatfancyclam

[whoacanada]

I don’t know if you’ve received a lot of prompt requests, but if it strikes your fancy: zimbits soulmate au + 24 hours to live for the mashup thing? The royalty au is amazing btw!

Zimbits + Soulmate AU + 24 Hours to Live

(First: thank you! Second: lol, this is 100% probably not what you were expecting. It’s an implied ‘24 hours until the world ends’ AU, so heavy warnings for discussions about death and suicide.)

__________

Jack pushes open the cafe door and finds a half dozen people scattered around the seating area, paired off, quietly reading while sirens blare outside.

For some reason, Jack actually had an opinion on what society might look like when the world ended. Stashed away alongside ideas about what his life would be like if he was born during World War 1, what it would be like to be a woman, what is the meaning of life, what if you could talk to animals, etc..

In other words, questions he didn’t think he’d ever actually get an answer to. He’s not surprised in the slightest his vague assumption was wrong.

“Hey, Karen,” he greets, pulling out a reusable bag and stepping over a pile of clothing on his way to the counter, finding a woman with a joint in one hand and spatula in the other, cutting into a tray of brownies.

“Jack,” she acknowledges around an exhale of fragrant smoke.

“Did you happen to make any danishes this morning before the announcement?”

“I burned the blueberry, was a little distracted,” she says shortly. “But I have a peach or two left in the back. Grabbing something for Eric?”

“Yeah, trying to collect a few things for a party-slash-last meal,” Jack leans back to eye the display case when Karen laughs.

“Just come back here and take what you want,” she passes him the joint and Jack can’t think of a good reason not to take a hit. “People are too busy fucking or fighting to get dessert; you want a brownie or two? Cooked down like two pounds of medical grade Indica, raided a pharmacy down the road and mixed in a little something-something extra, guaranteed to knock you out before — ” she makes an explosion gesture with her hands. “You know, if you want to go quietly or whatever.”

“How quietly?” Jack questions, looking up from the cookie tray.

She gives him an assessing look and takes another hit.

“Quiet enough you won’t feel guilty,” she says.

Jack thinks he shouldn’t be talking about poison and suicide with his local baker but he woke up this morning to chaos and the news that the entire human population would be wiped from the Earth in twenty-four hours. His morals have shifted just a bit since.

Jack isn’t in a position to turn down anything, not today.

“Yeah, I’ll take a few. We’re having some people over. Might be a nice way to end things.”

“Now, where’s Eric? I’m guessing he’s your partner, right? Tell me you were lucky on that one.”

“Small mercy, right?” Jack affirms and slips behind her to raid the display case. He pops a macaroon into his mouth and takes the entire plate of chocolate cake. “Something good came out of today. Practically guaranteed a higher power sanctions same-sex couples.”

“Same-sex couples and an afterlife,” Karen mutters, “just a shame it has to murder us all first.”

Jack motions for the joint again.

“Hey, a cop buddy of mine dropped off like a pound of cocaine, too, if you need any.”

Jack snags another macaroon and thinks over the handful of people who have confirmed for Bitty’s ‘End of Days’ Kegster.

“Might take you up on that.”

Karen jerks a thumb to the kitchen.

“Next to the icing, babe. Have at it.”

______

The ride home is a little tense, having to weave past car accidents and wailing pedestrians, but he makes it home alright. Jack’s glad the doorman is gone, he deserves to be with his family, but without someone to buzz him in he ends up having to ram a trashcan through one of the foyer’s glass window-walls to get to the elevator.  

“I got a cake, some danishes,” Jack offers, brushing glass off his shoulder while Eric pull a ziploc of white powder from the shopping bag. “Oh, and a shit load of cocaine.”

“Seriously? Where?”

“Karen’s got the hookup,” Jack shrugs, handing Bitty the brownies. “These are for us.”

Bitty lifts them and sniffs, wincing.

“Good lord, pot brownies?”

“They’re laced, she didn’t specify with what, but they’re for the end.”

Bitty’s eyes widen in understanding.

“Ah, well, better put these somewhere safe then. Don’t want to kill our guests before the apocalypse does. Oh, your dad called, says they’re flying down to say goodbye. Then he mentioned something about making a run for Bermuda, asked if we’d like to see if we survive off the ground?”

“I think I’m done fighting,” Jack snags a broken cookie. “I’m also not keen on spending my final hours worried about my parents seeing us have sex.”

“That’s fair,” Bitty puts the brownie above the stove and Jack moves to sidle up behind, pressing himself against Eric’s back. “I’d rather not worry about that, either.”

“You talk to your parents?”

“Said my goodbyes this morning. Told them they should spend the time left with each other. Thankfully they paired off; can’t imagine having to console my mother on a day like this.”

“We still have a few hours before anyone shows up. If anyone shows,” Jack drops his chin to rest on the crown of Bitty’s head. “Let’s go to the arena. I want to skate with you one last time.”

Bitty leans back into his hold and says, “Honey, I don’t want to die.”

“Maybe it won’t be so bad,” Jack counters gently, not for the first time today.

There are already people on the ice. Fans, from the looks of it — a lot of them wearing Falcs jerseys — having sex on blankets, towels, some right on top of the ice.

“Good lord, well, so much for a quiet skate together,” Bitty sighs.

“We can skate around them?” Jack offers, trying to find some solution because it’s the end of the world he’ll be damned if they can’t have one last skate together. 

Jack whistles sharply and yells, “Hey! North half of the ice is for fucking! South end’s for skating!”

“Holy shit, is that Jack Zimmermann?”

“Yeah, it is, and he wants to skate with his soulmate!” Bitty shouts back. “So vamoose!”

Shockingly, the couples all look around and some actually listen, packing up and shuffling across the ice, leaving enough space for Jack and Bitty.

“Thank you!” Jack yells, only to get a few scattered replies of ‘You’re welcome’.

They only manage a few laps, holding hands, before Bitty’s laughing too hard at the loud moans and sex noises to continue.

“It’s okay, honey, we knocked off one bucket list item.”

Jack steps off the ice and looks back at the fans, doing a double take when he recognizes someone.

“Poots is out there.”

“What? No, he isn’t.”

“Hey, Bits, do you want to — ?”

“Oh, lord, honey, no, we can have sex at home, thank you.”

“You promise?” Jack teases, checking his watch. “We only have four hours until the party.”

“They can serve themselves. You and I will be in bed before the night even starts.”

“Some host,” Jack chirps.

“I promised a safe space and a good time. I didn’t promise my attention or presence.”

Bitty holds up his hand to display the glowing blue spot on his palm that matches Jack’s.

“If I have half a day left with my soulmate, I’m gonna abuse that time to the fullest. You’re the only one I really care about anymore.”

Jack looks down at the spot on his hand and worries his lip.

“Honey?”

Jack looks up to see Bitty watching him with a fond expression.

“If the locker room is empty, we can do Bucket List Item #27.”

Jack swallows, most of the blood in his body rushing to his dick. 

“A-and if it’s full?” 

“Hmm…” Bitty steps off the ice and taps his finger against his chin. “Well, then I guess we’ll have to try #4 instead.”

[toycarousel]

Is it weird that when I come to a really hard part in my life and I keep thinking about asking you? I think once a year i've been in your ask box trying to get advice. My partner is severely depressed to the point where he seriously talks about killing himself nearly every other day. Its been almost a year and its just getting harder and harder to handle emotionally. He's terrified of being put in a psych ward from pas experience. I don't know what to do. I love him and he needs me but it hurts.

Hi, Anon! I don’t think it’s weird at all, not to worry~! It’s perfectly fine to ask me for help, and to talk to me whenever you want to! I just can’t give, like professional answers (since I’m not a professional) and I just offer advice/help casually when I’m able to, which can often be reeeeeeally delayed, especially when I’m off my meds and such – executive dysfunction is a huge problem for me, so during emergency events, definitely contact a distress centre before talking to me, as I won’t be able to get to time-sensitive asks promptly, and I certainly don’t want you to be stuck waiting for me! :’O

That being said, I am always open to sharing my perspective, any resources I can find, and basically any help I can potentially offer, so it’s always okay to message me – sending multiple asks is totally fine too – if you want to hear my take on things!

Wrt what you’ve shared with me here, I want you to know that it’s okay to be open about the pain that you’re going through as well, and to reach out to people for help! I know there’s a lot of pressure on folks to, like, forego their own health and safety when a loved one is struggling, but that’s never something that you have to do – in fact, if you take care of yourself, seek help when you need it, and ask for the same support that you’ve been giving your loved one, you’ll end up being more effective in changing their life (as well as your own) for the better.  Too often, we feel like it’s our sole responsibility to find a solution to our loved ones’ incredibly serious emotional distress… but few of us are professionals in these areas, and even if we were, it’s terrifying and difficult to know what to do when someone very close to you is the one suffering.

It’s very hard, and very painful to see someone we love going through so much… and you’re not doing anything wrong by seeking to regulate the pain that you’re experiencing too, as a result! So I’m going to share some resources that are specifically for you, so you can find support for what you’re feeling and for coping and making decisions based on how this situation has affected you! Depending on what happens, you may end up having to make a truly hard choice.  It’s not healthy to stay with someone who doesn’t want to make changes to their life, while simultaneously causing you harm.  But I also know that it’s awful to feel like, if you need to take time for yourself, away from the person and the situation, that you could be responsible for anything bad happening.

You’re not responsible for someone else’s personal health – it’s important to support loved ones, and to do what you can for them, but sometimes there’s just.  A limit to how much we can actually do, you know? The other person needs to meet you halfway, and aim to care for themselves as well, even if they really, really don’t feel like it.  

When I started DBT, I was doing it for my mother, my brother, my brother’s partner at the time, and my big sister.  Basically, I was doing it for all the people around me, neglecting myself entirely, and because of that, it wasn’t working long-term.  It did, however, get me to take that first step and seek help when I didn’t feel I deserved it (and therefore wouldn’t have done it otherwise at that point in my life, in my own self-hatred), because I didn’t want to hurt others, but the therapy itself only started solidifying in my mind and truly working once I made the conscious desire to find reasons to live for myself – once I decided (and it oftentimes has to be a constant choice), to hold onto the life I have.  To build that life into something I could care about, instead of writing it – and myself – off entirely.

I know this is probably, like, the last thing you’d want to do, especially since your boyfriend has had awful experiences with psych wards, and ppl can often end up in a psych ward when this is done – but you may have to call for help for your boyfriend (if an emergency situation occurs, and you’re afraid he may take his life).  

All lives are worth saving, and your boyfriend deserves a chance at life, which is something he would no longer have if he committed suicide.  That’s just my perspective, though.  I’ve been in a place where I did have to call the police on someone that I knew would hate me for it, and I’ve been in a place where the cops have been called on me and I hated the caller for it.  You don’t necessarily have to call the police, specifically, btw; calling an ambulance is often just as effective, and possibly even better, because they’ll have life-sustaining equipment and a proper vehicle on them if your loved one has already done something that compromises their physical safety…

Remember though, I’m not a professional – it’s good to call ppl who are trained to know what to do in this situation (like a crisis centre) to ask them what steps you should take if an emergency like this occurs! I’ll link them below, along with the other resources for you, Anon! I’m worried for you, and I want you to be safe, and healthy, and regain some peace in life~

For you:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself (this link is out of Australia, so the crisis lines here won’t necessarily be applicable, but the site itself – and this page specifically – goes through some steps as to how to look after yourself when you’re supporting someone else with depression).

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/jul/10/how-to-support-a-depressed-partner-while-maintaining-your-own-mental-health (this article is about spouses, and has a mixture of suggestions for maintaining your own health, but there are a couple important ones here – I personally think the paragraph “Don’t stop doing the things you love,” is crucial).

https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/22-ways-practice-emotional-self-care-letting-go/ (emotional self-care tips~!)

http://www.upworthy.com/101-self-care-suggestions-for-when-it-all-feels-like-too-much (more psychological and emotional self-care suggestions – I feel like these ones are especially down to Earth, which is great!)

https://www.lessonsforlove.com/blog/taking-care-of-yourself/651-taking-care-of-yourself-emotionally (more emotional/psychological self-care tips, with a couple specified ideas that could be helpful~!)

https://teenhealthcare.org/blog/6-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-on-social-media/ (I don’t know what your age is, or whether taking care of yourself on social media would help with your specific situation, but I thought I’d include this just as, like, something supplementary if your primary communication with support systems ends up having to be online, you know? A whole lot of mine are, and these are things I often have to remind myself of :’)

For both you and your boyfriend:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/supporting-someone-who-feels-suicidal/how-to-help/#.WwRuktMvx-U (this site is out of the UK, so the crisis numbers here might not be relevant to where you live, but the site itself has some suggestions as to what you can do for someone who is suicidal).

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/ruby-fremon/depression-spouse_b_7557410.html (this is in reference to a spouse, but in reading it, I suspect it would be applicable to any close relationship!)

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/need-advice-to-cope-with-depressed-partner (more tips on maintaining a healthy relationship with someone who is depressed/suicidal).

http://codedredalert.tumblr.com/post/109005732295/helpline-masterlist (helpline masterpost for a wide variety of struggles!)

http://myresourcemasterlist.tumblr.com/suicide (more resources, including ones for suicide, and coping with your own intense/distressing emotions).

Wrt your boyfriend specifically, again, it’s totally understandable that he’s afraid to be placed in a psych ward, like, I personally get that (I’ve had nasty past experiences with those as well).  There are other ways to seek treatment though, like, through outpatient (but intensive) programs.  I have no idea what the options are where you two live, but I can dig up any resources online that I find that may be relevant, as well as anonymous crisis hotlines/chatlines, and self-help and self-soothing resources! They’re not a permanent measure, and unless a genuine effort is put into them, they should mainly be used by him to help make himself feel better in the moment.  Hopefully they can also give him some tools to start working with as it pertains to regaining the parts of his life (and life itself) that he’s lost interest in.

I’ll be linking a couple DBT skills specifically for the latter there.  While DBT skills are used more for people with BPD, the particular skills I’m linking are applicable to basically everyone – and especially people who are suicidal, depressed, and who want to build a life worth living.  Because I understand why people become suicidal (and up until recently, I was suicidal myself), and sometimes, especially depending on a person’s external circumstances (circumstances that are often completely outside of their control) it can feel like life has gotten so bad that it’s unsalvageable.  What I’ve found is that there is always something – even the tiniest thing – that is worth salvaging.  And from that tiny place, a person can spark an entire life, building on every small good thing until they can see that there really is a life out there, waiting for them.  They built it themselves.

For your boyfriend:

https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/emotion_regulation1.html (these are some very straightforward worksheets for emotion regulation skills – they do essentially what they sound like they would, and they’re long-term skills that can become 2nd nature through practice~! It just makes handling all the painful emotions in life that we don’t always know how to pull ourselves out of).

http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/dbt-skill-of-the-day-improve-the-moment-from-the-distress-tolerance-module/ (this is for distress tolerance – it’s the ‘IMPROVE’ skills specifically.  Not every part of the acronym will be applicable, but a few might help when it’s just an especially terrible day/night…)

https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/improve-the-moment-with-emotion-regulation-strategies (this explains the ‘IMPROVE’ skills in more detail).

https://www.7cups.com/forum/BorderlinePersonalityDisorderSupportCommunity_81/DBTSkilloftheWeek_1304/DBTSkilloftheWeekIMPROVEthemoment_76695/ (the ‘IMPROVE’ skills again, with specific suggestions as to practicing the skill! 7cups also offers free online chat-based help, so it can be a great place to vent, and potentially gather external resources!) 

https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/using_self_soothe.html (crisis survival skills! These are especially important for incredibly bad moments – for when a crisis occurs and a person needs to be able to step back from particularly rough events/triggers that can really make it difficult to refrain from harming oneself in any way!!! I included this link because it looks like it has a few videos, which may be nicer than all this reading!)

http://creativityintherapy.com/2016/05/create-a-sensory-self-soothing-kit/ (how to create a self-soothing kit – this link could be helpful for you as well, Anon~!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBopCkdBwsk (I really, really think this video could be helpful.  The speaker explains why these skills are used, and how to create plans/backup plans based on these skills.  It’s about building the life you want, but also acknowledging how much pain you’ve been through, and how to healthily ‘Distract’ oneself during a crisis!!!)

So, I know that was a LOT to read~!!!! I hope that some of these resources and perspectives can be helpful.  And Anon, I just want to reiterate that I believe you’re a good person, and a good partner! You clearly care about your boyfriend deeply.  Needing to have time for yourself, and taking care of yourself are not things that make a person selfish – they strengthen you, and you deserve happiness and peace in life~

[could-i-be-any-cooler-blog]

A story written from a Tumblr Perspective

Before anyone reads this I would like to point out this story might feel exaggerated or cheesy or just plain stupid, well it was intended, keep that in mind. Thank you. A story written from a Tumblr perspective. U know this trip could have ended differently, it's too late tho, you see I'm falling off a cliff right now because of a rare desease I like to call the IDDLT, short for imaginative death due to loss of tumblr, don't believe me? Well there was this chicken, it could fly and it told me that I was... whatsup with da crazy face? Oh... yes I should probably start from the beginning, it all began with two words and an exclamation mark. No wifi!? Yes honey for the millionth time the secluded valley we are going to will not have wifi! But, but, DAD! Don't worry dear, think of it as a way to open ur mind... to calm ur soul and shakra... ahh don't u just feel it honey, u spend too much time on that Facebook app of yours anyways. MOM!! How dare u insult my tumblr like that!! It's not Facebook!! Oh u kids with ur apps these days, they're both blue? What's the difference!? At this point I just went full silent treatment teenager sulking mode, I wasn't going to talk to anyone, breath for anyone, not even think of anyone except of my precios tumblr. Only I didn't know what kinda seclusion was in store for me... dan dan dan daaaan 5 hours later *spongebob narritve voice Ah so secluded not even the car could come with. It's true, my dad seemed very ok with this, we had to leave the car behind, and then had to walk for an hour, like what's up with that? Nature and walking *shudder. Oh honey this is amazing, it's so yoga! Wait hold up, let's take a minute to just breathe and think about this... inhale* exhale* now the question is, is yoga an adjective!? Society these days. Anything for u sweetie! Now I will spare u detail of what took place in the next 1/2 a second for two reasons 1. No human should have to endure that 2. Because I looked away, but from the sound I heard it was a kiss, a freaking kiss! I know right talk about public indecency. U may be wondering much commentary many wow, but only like this will u understand where I stand... *snicker* did u see dat *snicker* i used stand twice... yea it wasn't that funny... moving on! What my mom had so wonderfully described as yoga, was a small eco house and a chicken coop in the middle of an Alaskan valley, the things ppl build... And I thought to myself... What a shitty wooooorld... Thank you, thank you! Performance by the one and only Chloe garcia, bob on Tumblr for all you Tumblr boys and girls out there, no straight white males tho!! U may be thinking, how the hell did I, wonderful smart bisexual 1/16 Asian girl I, get a tumblr handle like bob, it's so unoriginal it's amazing, let me tell you how. I fought a guy for it, his name was bob... Muahahahaha I do what I do. ;) ... ... I think my minds deteriorating. Like literally. I think I might die. Oooooh I might ride a helicopter to the E.R. Dude! What if, In the middle of the ride, I'd just jump out! I'd be the girl that didn't want to be saved! So poetic, such tumble worthy, many wow. That'd be a good way to go *sighs dreamily*. Wow... I never cease to amaze myself, other people must think I'm the bomb!! Like who wouldnt think th- Chloe!!! Sweetie can you hear me?!?!?! Gosh mom! Are you trying to make me deaf!?!? Well I've been trying to get your attention for the last few minutes. ... Anyways, me and your dad are going to be occupying the house for a lit- HOLD UP! Im getting some weird vibes, Alright so she is smirking at him, and he's got her in an embrace... and they want me out of the house... ... ... ... FUCK this SHIT IM OUT! -tle so we would appreciate if you would explore som- I get it, I get it! you guys should be ashamed u know. Making your daughter come all the way down here just so she has too try and avoid *shuddering with no end* u guys *again shuddering* having *chocking* *cough*. We're only human Chloe. One day you'll understand dear. No! I will never understand! Sex in no way will ever be understandable! I'll be in the chicken coop far far away from you disgusting creatures! *cue the aggressive stomping/ walking to said stinky chicken coop and the agrresive door closing of stinky chicken coop cause I'm a teenager and I'm pissed and I'm allowed to show it* Thud. Boom. Her majesty the queen, are you alright? Whaaaaaaaaa *groan* You hit your head on the way in your highness. And with that the big chicken warrior did a curtsy. So cute. And then the nerdy chicken in the back told me it was the engineers fault completely, he had forgotten to adjust the door size to your highness stature, then proceeded to offer me his deepest apologies and beg that he not become fried chicken. I like fried chicken. Fried chicken is good. I can't have fried chicken. I'm vegan. ... ... ... HOLD UP! (Wow that's the second one today, my life's turning to shit) I stood up so quickly, I almost passed out again, and I may or may not have fallen back down, but not before I made my point! Are you guys chickens or aliens? Your highness, said the cute little nerd chicken with a slight chuckle, we are definitely chickens. But but, ur speaking? Like English? For that there is only one explanation your highness. The Internet. Now let me describe to you the reaction I had too these words 2 words. HALE FUCKING LUJAH! YOU GUYS ARE DA BEST! what's da password tho. Your highness, it's your highness's name. we had it changed as soon as you arrived. C with caps I presume Yes your highness. Kk What's the deal with that btw? With what your highness? With the whole your highness thing and queen stuff, like what's up with that? let me tell you about the prophecy the person that brought us here told us, and with this he came closer and told me the whole story. A long long time ago our king and a few others we're brought here to live and thrive,they were given a computer and wifi and with that they learned. A few weeks later our carrier came back surprised that we had already learned how to speak and write, so he left us a set of instructions to keep us safe from the world that would never understand us, and they were. never to leave the chicken coop so we built underground , respect our fellow chicken, and not everything on the internet is good. And one very very important one. If a girl of my kind ever comes, treat her as if she was queen, for she, surely is. Wow. Cheesy much? That is how your lordship instructed and that is we have followed through. Over the years we have prepared for your arrival and have built and created technologies unknown to man, and all of it, was for you. Again wow. Cheesy much? You are set to receive the highest honor in our community, the purple egg with golden stripes. Cool beans. So where is this egg? In one hour there will be a ceremony in your honor, where you will receive said egg, your highness. Niiice Ever heard of Tumblr? Yes, your highness, it is a despicable addictive opinionated app isn't it, your highness. We have told our young kings to stay away, for it changes oneself. ... *eye twitching* Ok, no, this isn't so. There's a good side to Tumblr. With fear the little chicken trembled and admitted there was certainly a good side too it. Good good. I wish for the ceremony too begin now. I have a point too make. Of course your majesty. Thank you. ... ... ... *a few minutes later* *Trumpets and whatnot* *chicken cheers* Settle down, settle down. We are gathered here today to do what we were raised for, to give our lovely Chloe her rightful place, the royalty egg. Please take this as the key to our efforts and fruits. Thank you, king KFC. By taking the egg, it melted in my hands and made purple feathers and gold flakes show up on my skin. And ultimately I was a chicken. Thank you for receiving this gift Chloe. WTF! U made me a chicken! Dude! Why! There's no bigger honor than being a chicken?!?! What's wrong with you!?!? And with this the whole chicken folk went into distress and started clucking and exploding into fried chicken, I seem to have upset them, pretty soon they were all dead and I was eating chicken, real good, great meat this folk had, I then realized I was a cannibal since technically I was a chicken. After I ate I somehow flapped my wings and started to fly, which was quite cool I guess that's the honor they were talking about, sadly they couldn't see it. Oops. Oh well and then I hit the ceiling. Boom. Thud. Chloe are you ok!?!? My mom screamed at me with blood in her hands, a bit exaggerated in my opinion but oh well, I realized then I was actually quite hurt, back in the chicken coop, and not a chicken. Cool is all I could think. I can't really remember what happened next, but I think I was on the way to the hospital in a helicopter and I remember thinking, i predicted this shit all da way!! I also remembered the other part, the suicidal the sad part of me remembered what I was going to do if this happened, to be honest, I'm quite relieved. So I did it. So on my way down I thought I'd tell you all of this, and explain my desease, we all know it was an excuse. An excuse for not wanting to hear the world anymore or to see it, Tumblr really did ruin it for me. Thank you.

[kaiba-fangirl]

Got another story...

It actually wasn’t DSoD that got me thinking about this - as I rightfully have put this event out of mind - except on occasion, like in recently rewatching some of the series. That, and of course just anything about the first reason why I fell in love with Seto to begin with - his dedication to his little brother. [After the first few episodes] I saw in him all the things I’d always felt as a big sister. Although, my brother's only 3 years younger, almost a foot taller than me anymore, and has never been annoying in the least to me, unlike how I feel about Mokuba himself. We’ve always been so close, lived through Pokemon together, shared a single cartridge of Blue Version, got into Yu-Gi-Oh! together, and he's the one I'll probably always have duelled the most, among a myriad of other games and everything. [I keep saying 11-13, but wow it was actually] 15 years ago, Seto just made me think of all the countless little things with my little brother, that I’m pretty sure I failed at, and always thought I could be better at, cuz it's simply always been important for me to be the best big sister for him. 15 years ago, he grabbed me in KBToys, excitedly pulling me and yelling that “that game” from “that new show” was real! We each bought a starter deck on the spot. He knew I had first liked “Yugi,” so he was worried I would pick the same one as him, but thought we should have different ones to face each other. He was happy Seto was already the no-brainer choice for me. As soon as we got home, we tried to figure out how the fuck it actually worked...  15 years ago, the huge CRT TV in our living room had ended up with a loose wire somewhere. It would randomly cut out the picture sometimes, then randomly come back. And, it decided to start cutting the picture out during the first airing of Face Off, April 2002. Like, Kaiba started walking backwards – then cut to black, while we still heard the audio going. We spent the rest of the episode screaming and running back and forth between the living room TV, and the TV in our grandma's rooms, which she kept chasing us out of. We all like to think we'd act like Seto does when it comes to protecting or saving his little brother. But those are fantastical hypotheticals. My brother was never actually in any real danger, and he's always been perfectly healthy. Why even bother ever letting thoughts of life without him actually play out? Well, something happened since way back then, and at the time, none of the aforementioned things came to mind. But, now, I keep thinking back to it... Mokuba is still as annoying as ever, but anytime Seto yells for him, my stomach actually drops now. Darker 1/2 under the cut; but honestly no more drastic than Duelist Kingdom, I suppose. Just skip down to the end if you can’t handle the literary panic attack...

A couple years ago, there was a car crash right in front of my house. It's a 3-lane each way highway. Happens all the time at this spot actually, and there have been many quite horrific ones. But this time it was a 2008 Silver Ford Focus. The car was upside down 2 lanes away from us, and while the passenger side was facing us, we could see that the entire driver's seat area was gone, crushed completely in, and that tire  and entire wheel well was missing. The EMTs were looking at it from afar, just standing around. The police set up cones, then were just hanging around waiting for the “accident investigation” team to arrive. Btw, all of that, means fatality, and... That's the same car my brother drives. As I got closer, my heart – I don't even know. Skipped? Thudded? Stopped? Pounded? Probably went tunnel vision where you only hear your own breathing? – much as I tried to refuse to believe that I could ever possibly be correct in identifying car makes and models. I had to be wrong. My dad was already out there, but just observing from the parking lot next door. That should mean that he wasn't, like, contacted by anyone, right? All he said was to verify that it was a Ford Focus. I nervously forced myself to calm down, treat it as just a strange coincidence that it happened to be just like a car we owned, and tried to coolly ask where he was. (Our property alone is 2 acres, and I happened to not have a clue if he was even home or not.) He was supposed to be on his way home from tutoring at his college library by now. That is the singular thing I did not want to hear. My insides dropped again. We couldn't read the license plate - but against hoping it was NY, it was indeed NJ. My mom had already tried calling his phone, multiple times. And? No answer. Just kept ringing til it went to voicemail. We called his girlfriend; he wasn't at her house. She knew as much as we did. My dad just stood there with his arms crossed, staring at the wreck, wouldn't look at me, didn't say anything. I swear my everything fell out, over and over. I’d convince myself he had to be fine. He had to just still be driving, and like a good driver, he wasn’t on his phone while driving... That resolve never lasted longer than a few seconds each time. I felt like jello. My body felt like my blood was running cold, but somehow rushing to my head. For the first time in my life, I actually felt like I was going to puke just from that much info alone. I don't know how my legs kept me up; they were numb. I immediately called him. No answer. I sent an urgent text for him to just call one of us ASAP. I went back and forth between not being able to take my eyes off the car, and unable to look at it. I ran back to the house for my glasses. A local news chopper allowed us to see the other side on TV:  A curtain was hung in place of the driver's door, and it was flapping up in the wind. There was a black puddle running out from under it, against the light grey asphalt. Not kidding, not exaggerating. They quickly switched from it and did not show that clip again. I got my glasses and headed back out in a daze, and I paced up and down the road as far as was helpful. I still couldn't make out the license plate. I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do. Whatever had happened, had already happened. I had zero concept that, at some point, we would have an answer. I was just trying to figure out what to DO at that moment, and I could not acknowledge “waiting” as being relevant. At the same time, I was too petrified to call a cop over and just ask. My head was spinning, stuck in limbo... Also unfortunately for the first time in my life, I actually entertained realistic scenarios of daily life in my house with our family, without him. Just me and my sister? Never another meal with him? Never, anything else? EVER again? Even as we grew older and had our own families, forever without him? Like, how could he just be-- gone? That couldn’t happen. Not out of nowhere like this. I didn't know his schedule, I didn't even know he'd left the house! Then, just suddenly, didn't exist? ...was his body really just a few yards from me? No.  There were 2 lanes of traffic between us and the lane the wrecked car was in. The law is that these cars passing a police set up like this, are supposed to slow down to at least 25mph, or slower, and I think give them a lane of cushion even. Nehh, this is Route 9 in NJ. Both lanes slowed down TO the speed limit. I kept pacing and calling and pacing and checking my phone. I'd be lying if I said I was not thinking about dashing to the median during a red light. I would have my answer, whichever it was, before anyone would notice or even think to stop me. And, if it was true, there would be no point in making it back past the speeding traffic safely... Or if someone simply told me that it was true, then it'd still just be a couple steps for me. No, actually, no character or story reference could ever have made it to my head in the moment; I was too much of a mess. Yes, I am saying fuck everything else in my life, fuck everyone else grieving both of us. I didn't care. I knew *I* could never deal. I don't care how that sounds.

He called back. I have no idea how much or little time actually passed, but my mom eventually walked up and said he had called. Somehow that was when my tears finally broke out, and my brain instantly felt like it was at last no longer being squeezed. Still could hardly catch my breath. He said he had left his phone charging in his car, and the tutoring session ran late, so he was only leaving just then. And he wanted to know why he had a zillion missed calls from so many different people. He thought the house had burned down or something. Nope, it was actually you. About 20 minutes later, his car pulled in the driveway. It was so surreal. It felt like I was watching him just casually come back from the dead. I watched him just normally get out and come walking in, like nothing had happened. Like the rest of us didn't just all go on the worst & fastest emotional rollercoaster ride. Like I hadn't been contemplating suicide for how long, up until just minutes beforehand. Needless to say, I jumped on him and hugged him so tight and kept telling him I love him and kept hugging him randomly and just kept looking at him for the rest of the day and trying not to cry, but crying a lot. And he kept telling me to stop being weird... ;u;