#I’ve always wanted a diary but I never was able to keep with it - I’d write like a few days maybe a week tops and then stop

[foreverdolly]

this is a self pitying post and i’ll probably delete it later- but when i’m sad i tend to write it out. i’ve used this blog like a diary of sorts for the last two and a half years. i’ve developed a relationship with a lot of you on here and i appreciate all the love i’ve received so far on my last post. my friends that i have in real life, no matter how long i’ve known them, don’t know too much about my upbringing or my parents. i hate the idea of trauma dumping- it’s uncomfortable for other people: so don’t read this if you don’t want to. i wouldn’t blame you.

my dad died from cirrhosis due to alcoholism. he died miserable and alone. he had no friends. his family was sick of him. i tried to call him as often as i could but sometimes he could be mean if he was drunk. i knew not to call him after 11:00 in the afternoon because he would start to drink. he lived in his youngest brother’s basement and almost never came upstairs because he was embarrassed. i haven’t seen him in three years because he lives fourteen hours from me, but i tried my hardest to call him every week and keep him involved in my life. he never saw any of my homes, never met any of my friends, and never even saw me drive a car (i’ve been licensed since i was eighteen). i cried to him almost every week, begging him to get sober.

he never recovered from my parent’s divorce, and for that i feel so sorry. he called my mother his soulmate and always spoke in past tense- talking about when me and my brother were little. he would tear up when talking about the first time he ever saw me in the hospital after my mother gave birth, and he was vocal about the fact that i was his favorite. we shared a lot of the the same interests and always had fun when talking.

when my mom made a suicide attempt two years ago he was there for me almost everyday, calling me despite the demons he was battling with himself.

the last time i spoke to him was thursday- a week from the day he died. he told me that he almost called a treatment facility but he got tired and took a nap instead. his doctors appointment was today at one and he was going to ask to be admitted and then go to a rehab facility. i told him i’d send him money while he was in there- he hasn’t been able to hold a job since i was still in high school.

my dad was a chef. a damn good cook- classically trained in french cooking. he had the loudest laugh i’ve ever heard, so much so that it used to make me cry when i was a baby. we used to wear matching costumes and he’d sign me out from school on halloween and call me out the day after. he took me to my first concert, but he couldn’t afford both the gas and the tickets (so i paid for the gas with my pocket change at the age of thirteen). he wore adidas strictly- shell toe was his favorite.

when i was little my dad was on night duty while my mom was away: tucking us in, reading us books. he refused to read to me and walked out the door but not before saying “bed bugs and stuff”. i thought it was so funny. it became our saying. every night we spent with each other we said “bed bugs and stuff”. so that was my last send off to him. i hope he’s finally resting well and isn’t depressed, ashamed or lonely anymore where he is.

he died in his sleep. they found a solo cup filled with vodka next to his bed and i can’t stop thinking about the fact that he was going to get help today. he was yellow due to jaundice. what a cruel world.

[penna-nomen]

20 Questions Writer Ask Game

How many works do you have on AO3?

64 works

What’s your total AO3 word count?

888,343 words

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

24 fandoms on AO3

The ones where I’ve written two or more stories are: Discworld, Doctor Who, Emma, Good Omens, The Good Place, Leverage, Murderbot Diaries, Pride and Prejudice, Psych, Stargate Atlantis, Supernatural, White Collar

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Caffrey Conversation

Choirboy Caffrey

By the Book

Bouquet

Caffrey Envoy

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Yes, I try to do this. If someone leaves multiple comments on the same story on the same day, I might reply to just a subset of them. I’m always grateful when readers take the time to leave a comment, and I definitely want to let them know that I appreciate them, even if I’m often tongue-tied.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Probably Roads Not Taken, if you don’t count the fluffy “bonus features” posted after the final chapter of the actual story

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the wildest one you’ve written? 

Yes, I’ve written many crossovers. The most unexpected would be Intrepid Galactic Explorer, which was a crossover between Anne of Green Gables and Murderbot Diaries.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

A handful of times

Do you write smut? If so what kind? 

I don't.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? 

Not that I’m aware of.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Someone once asked permission to do so, but I never heard if they followed through on it.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? 

Kind of. @silbrith and I collaborate on a series, and we run ideas by each other. Once I wrote an epilogue chapter for one of her fics.

What’s your all time favorite ship?

How do I choose? The ones I write most are in White Collar: Neal/Sara and Neal & Peter as friends-like-family.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? 

Once I started outlining one of my older stories from the POV of other characters. I think the working title was Operation Athena. It was a fun idea, but I was too enticed by new ideas to spend time rewriting an old one.

What are your writing strengths?

My immediate reaction is to say none. But based on comments, my strengths are: Pastiche, especially writing for book fandoms. Friendships. Weaving threads through multiple stories and tying them up in a satisfying way. Crossovers. And one particular OC that long-time readers seem to love and they forget that he’s an OC.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Smut. I’m fine with writing flirting and building up the temperature, and but actual tab-A-into-slot-B isn’t something I write well.

Fight scenes are also something I’m not able to do well.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I did this a bit once, in a fic where a major plot point was that the main character can speak French. Glad I did it, but I doubt I’d do it again because of my constant fear of making an embarrassing mistake.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I wrote a fic inspired by the musical Annie for a friend in 9th grade, but it’s not online and as far as I know she’s the only person who ever read it.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

The story Caffrey Conversation is special to me because of the circumstances in which I wrote it. I started reading & downloading fic in the White Collar fandom to keep my mind occupied when I learned Mom had breast cancer. Six months later when her check-up went well, I was so happy I was inspired to write a fic that I’d been imagining, and it was almost finished when we learned the cancer had metastasized and she had weeks to live. Mom read a version of the story, and I’m glad she got that glimpse into what would become a big part of my life for the next few years. A couple of months after she died, I finished the story and posted it, and then I envisioned follow up stories where one of the elements was the characters experiencing grief. So it all became part of processing my emotions mixed with a hope of helping others be prepared for what grief is like.

Open tag to anyone else who wants to answer the questions! I'm definitely interested in learning more about my fellow fic writers!

[depressed-skeletor]

Tw long rant, but it’s not super triggering

So my disorder started when I was too young to remember. A year ago I found a diary entry from when I was just old enough to write sentences, and it said something along the lines of “mom would love me more if I wasn’t so fat.” The crazy thing is, I’ve never actually been “fat.” I was always in high intensity sports (competitive swim, gymnastics, track) so my metabolism was always pretty high. When I quit sports in high school I obviously gained some weight but I never got overweight.

My disorder was at its worst after I gained that weight, and I dropped weight dramatically during covid. Moving to college I healed a little, developed a healthier approach to my body, and ate more, and gained most of the weight back but not all. Now approaching graduation, I’m relapsing from the stress of a life change, but I don’t want to lose weight as dramatically as I did. Doing that gave me some muscle weakness and likely some joint damage, as I now have a permanent knee injury and a permanent heart condition.

I’ve been reading more on muscle building, and the thing that’s standing out to me is that if I work on strength, my metabolism will increase. This way I can keep a low body weight and fat percentage, while still being able to eat more food AND not developing the saggy ana body where I’m just bones. Personally, I’d like to keep my ass. And as an adult in this disorder, I need to worry more about my future since I can’t be in the bliss and ignorance of adolescence anymore. If you read this far thank you lol

[siilvan]

Since I read bloodsport, I was trying to remember who Makarov and Petra reminded me of and I finally remember especially after reading that piece of him and Mini talking.

They remind me of Klaus and Caroline (Klaroline) from the vampire diaries, the way Klaus would always let Caroline have her way and save her at every turn even though he shouldn't want to just like Makarov is doing and I fell in love with your fic even more now so yeah that's it! I love your writing and take as much time as you need to write because as a writer myself I know that it needs time, sending you all the love and support ❤️❤️❤️💓

AAAAAAAA YOU’RE TOO SWEET NONNIE 😭😭

I’ve never watched Vampire Diaries, but that’s pretty much exactly how I’d describe Makarov and Petra in that series: him letting her have her way and saving her at every turn, even though he knows shouldn’t.

But waghhhhh thank you 😭 I feel awful because I haven’t updated the fic in so long and I’m in the middle of the next chapter, but I just keep getting told not to force it and to write when I get the inspiration to – which, I’m hoping I’ll be able to muster up the rest of the chapter very soon. But, anyway, thank you so much nonnie 🥹🫶🩷🫶🩷

[purplesurveys]

1737

Was the last person you hung out with single? One of them is, one of them isn’t.

Have you ever attended a private school? Yup, I attended one from kinder to high school. I only got to switch schools once – for college – because 1) my first school doesn’t offer university-level classes and 2) I actually had a dream university in mind.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? I’d say it was abusive in a few aspects, but as a whole I wouldn’t call it such.

Do you like drinking diet sodas? I just don’t like drinking sodas, period.

Can you make mashed potatoes from scratch? I probably could if I followed a recipe, but it’d just turn out like shit.

Have you ever cooked for anyone other than yourself? I used to bake cookies for my family, but now that I’m older I now know they were just being nice about the compliments because they tasted absolutely bland.

If your phone has a hole for phone charms, is it on the left or right side? I don’t think it comes with a hole precisely for that haha, but in any case I’ve never placed a charm on my phone. Just seems too Gen Z-coded for my taste. I like inserting a photocard within my phone case instead – like that’s the furthest I’d go as far as trinkets and such.

Would you rather live in the city, the suburbs, or the rural area? I would love to live in the city. I think I’d need the noise to keep my sanity. I’ve lived in the suburbs all my life and it’s mostly fine and peaceful, but I’m going with city also just for the change in scenery.

Do you know someone who is really ambidextrous? Not in real life.

Did you use a pencil today? Nah.

Are you adopted? I’m not adopted.

Have you ever had your car break down on you? Yes, and omg what a chaotic time that had been. I was on my way to a shoot that was meant to start at 9 AM, and it was like 8:30 and I stopped by a gas station to refuel but my car refused to start up again by that point. The gas station crew were really nice and all of them kind of checked up on my car at the same time til it was learned that the culprit was my car’s dead battery. My mom, who had been on her way to work, panicked for me and went all the way back to me (despite my hardcore begging for her to not be so dramatic lmao)… in any case we called up Motolite for a battery replacement and everything got resolved within an hour, or an hour and a half I think. Fortunately the shoot ran late because the TV crew themselves were late, and I was able to catch up with no issue. Who was the last person that cried in your presence? Gabie and Celeste, moments after Bea announced her resignation. 

Does your last name end in a vowel or consonant? I’m not sharing that.

When was the last time you ate at your favorite restaurant? The last time I ate in there would’ve been around 6-7 months ago. I got takeout from them just a month ago though.

What was the last thing someone gave you? Trina got me coffee this morning.

Can you write your name in a foreign language? I can write my name in Hangul.

Who is the person you often go to for venting? Depends on what I have to rant about. Sometimes it’ll be my sister, sometimes Bea and Trina, sometimes Angela…

Do you keep an actual journal or diary? No, this does the job.

Have you ever been prescribed Vicodin? I have no clue what that is.

Have you ever cheated on someone without them finding out about it? Never.

Was the last person you kissed male or female? Female.

Who were you with the last time you went swimming? Oof, I can’t even remember haha. When was I last at the beach…? Maybe last December?

Does your dining table currently have place mats on it? They’re not there permanently, if that’s what you mean. We just take them out if we have lunch/dinner together.

What was the last thing you cooked in an oven? I’ve never cooked anything in an oven. Baking, sure – that would’ve been cookies.

Do you say “I love you” even when you don’t mean it? I don’t think I’ve ever done that – I always want to make sure I mean it when I say it. Those three words hold such a heavy commitment lol.

Is it hard for you to be “just friends” with the opposite sex? No?

Do you prefer wheat or white bread? White.

[ikemenlibrary]

Journal Entries From Anya’s Diary - Ikemen Vampire

Pairing: Vlad x Anya Nosferatu (OC)

Summary: History may have changed their story, but Anya’s diary never changes. Historians have named them the world’s most renowned couple, the setting stage for the modern day romance. This is a story of two beings who's fates easily intertwined with one another, and who were always destined to find each other, no matter how long it took to get them there. 

Meant to be read with this Spotify Playlist

Notes: This is my wishing a very happy birthday to @readerinsertfanfiction​. Nemo, it has been an absolute pleasure to get to know you over the past few months and I can’t wait to see how our friendship blossoms even more. I hope this next year is filled with plenty of happiness, and that all of your wishes come true. 

6th June, 1887

Today, Vlad took me to a bookstore. I thought the library he had in the castle was huge, but nothing other than Father’s collection compares to this shop. From the floor to the ceiling, it was filled to the brim with books. I couldn’t keep a smile off my face!

Despite my telling him not to, Vlad would load every book I even touched into a basket. At the end, I think we ended up with 37 books. I realized halfway through what he was doing, and so I stopped touching books I knew I’d have no interest in.

Now, Vlad’s promising that he’ll make sure to help start a library of my very own for me in the castle. He said he wants a place for me to call my own other than my bedroom. He said he’ll make sure it has big windows, and will overlook the garden. I am… very appreciative of all he’s done for me.

I don’t know how to repay him. Maybe I’ll go pick some fresh strawberries for him sometime.

13th June, 1887

Charles-Henri and I went into Paris today. He was bothering Vlad, so he was sent to pick up some groceries and asked me to tag along. When he complained about being hungry while shopping, I happily gave him one of the croissants from my pocket. Charles still hasn’t figured out how I do that, and I think he’s convinced I’ve got some sort of magic powers. Truth is, I hand sew new pockets into my skirts so that I have room for some food. I don’t know if it’s because growing up I wasn’t sure when my next meal was, or if I like to keep Charles and Faust guessing, or if it’s the fact that it’s nice to have something for impromptu tea parties at times, but it’s become a habit of mine now, and not one I intend to break.

Charles-Henri is the sort of brother I always wanted but never had. Out of everyone in the castle, he and I spend the most time together. When we wake up early in the morning, he always lets me help in the kitchen, despite the fact that I am so hopeless that I can burn a pot of water! He always laughs, ruffles my hair, and fixes whatever mistake I made.

I have gotten pretty good at slicing up strawberries, however. Before, I would end up slicing my thumb and ruining the bowl of strawberries  -  although, Vlad usually just rinsed them off and ate them anyways - but now, I can avoid slicing into any skin and have actually even been able to cut them up to look like pathetic little flowers. Vlad loves them, and I love seeing that smile on his face when I give them to him.

30th June, 1887

I think I’m driving Vlad crazy.

Faust keeps asking me to try his experiments. I go along with it, because I’m bored, and because I know nothing can kill me. Whenever I do try something that Faust hands to me, Vlad kind of just watches from afar. He has that gentle smile on his face, the one he usually has, but his eyes burn like fire and I know seeing me put myself in danger - although never life altering - is starting to get to him.

I think he cares more about me than he would like to admit.

I think I like the idea of that.

Faust just looks on between us in utter amusement when this happens now. I think he’s more interested in his hypothesis of me and Vlad, than he is with how my body reacts to his new concoctions. I’ve noticed he’s stopped taking notes every time I eat something, and instead sits and observes Vlad’s reactions.

Vlad never gives away much. I don’t even know how much Faust gets from watching all of this happen. What I do know is that it’s always enough for me to get silly butterflies in my stomach like I’m a schoolgirl with a crush.

Maybe I need to take a page from Faust and write all of this down as well. Conduct experiments to help me come to a conclusion about my feelings.

Will come back about that at a later time.

2nd July, 1887

We got an invitation in the mail today. An old friend of Vlad’s is throwing a ball for her 326th birthday. She invited Vlad, Charles-Henri, and Faust. I wasn’t on the invitation, but Vlad says that you’re always expected to bring a partner to events like this, so he asked me to come as his. As this was happening, Charles was pouting. I think he knows that if I end up going as Vlad’s partner, that he and I will not be able to sneak off to explore around and get drunk. That does sound tempting, but I accepted Vlad’s offer.

Something about showing up in a public setting as his partner just sounds so… inviting. I know that by his side, I will have a great time. I always do.

Vlad insisted on taking me to get a new gown for this ball. I told him that wasn’t necessary; I have plenty of nice things to wear. He brushed off my concerns, and we agreed to go into town tomorrow to a dress shoppe, and he promised to take me out to lunch afterwards.

I’m looking forward to spending this extra time with him.

12th July, 1887

The ball was wonderful. It was elegant, joyous, and filled with… romance! It was just like something out of one of the novels that Vlad purchased for me.

Vlad ordered two different carriages; one for him, Charles-Henri, and Faust. The other for me. He insisted he didn’t want to see me all dressed up before he was able to bow before me and ask me to dance. Charles informed me of this with a wicked grin on his face, almost like he knew of a secret he was keeping from me.

When I had arrived, Charles met me outside and escorted me out of my carriage, informing the staff at the front gates that I was Vlad’s partner. They bowed for me, and let Charles show me the way in. The music was already lively and there were couples twirling all around on the dance floor, yet I was barely able to glance at them before Vlad was standing in front of me.

He bowed, his gleaming eyes never left my face. If I had a heartbeat, I’m sure I would have heard it rushing in my ears.

It felt like a fairy tale.

Without even speaking, he held his hand out to me and I grasped it. And then he pulled me in, whisked me onto the dance floor and I had never felt more safe and loved than I ever had in that moment.

Before the last song played, Vlad pulled me in close, his lips brushed my ear and he admitted his love for me. Before I could respond, he started dancing again, our bodies even closer than we were before.

I’ll never forget that bright smile on his face as he finished the dance with one last vow. Nor will I forget the feel of his lips against mine in the carriage ride home.

12th July, 1987

100 years spent loving each other, and yet I still find more reasons every day to love him.

100 years spent loving each other, but it still feels like only 10.

I will never take this love for granted. For all we’ve been through, for all we’ve lost, for all we’ve gained, nothing will be as special as the bond we’ve built together.

In honor of our anniversary, Vlad had 100 blood red roses preserved into a picture frame and hung in our shared bedroom, right over the headboard of our bed. In my many centuries, this was one present I will be able to cherish forever, without worrying about it fading away with time.

Vlad is currently downstairs, all of the staff members of the Castle are being worked around like crazy while he tries to get the ballroom set up just the way he would like. While our dear friend is turning 426 years old today, he threw this party specifically to celebrate our century of love. We of course had to tell most people that we’re celebrating only a decade together, although even that seems hard to believe for some people, since we look so young.

He had the dress I wore on the night he confessed his love to me altered so it would fit in  during this day and age. Vlad said he wanted to relive that night the best he could.

I relive it every time I close my eyes. It still feels like almost yesterday.

Happy anniversary, my love. I’m hopeful for many more.

[delphoxqueen]

Gigi Grant’s Diary- 13 Wishes (2013)

{Scroll to the bottom of the post for the actual diary pages!}

[H] = Hourglass

[S] = Star

This Diary Belongs to: Gigi Grant

I wish you wouldn’t read my diary.

Name: Gigi Grant

School: Monster High

[S][S][H][H][H]

Stars and sands, I detest being bottled up. Patience is a chief virtue among genies- after all, we don’t know when we’ll next be found and released- but it can be a difficult one to maintain. One tried to pass the time in any way one can, but as the centuries fall away, it can be quite taxing on the mind… especially myself occupied is one of the reasons I decided upon keeping a diary, I would like to keep track of my wonderful times in the outside world, and all the lovely monsters I’ve met. It will be something pleasant to turn to when I am sad and lonely… which seems to be more and more often.

[S][S][H][H][H][H]

There are many wonderful things about being a genie- the power you command is immense, and the places you find yourself can be amazing. And making wishes come true! What could be better than that? But there is always a very sad part, too… returning to the lantern when your tasks are done. Even though I am able to grant 13 wishes to each finder I meet/ more than most of my kind!- the time always seems to pass too quickly. I just returned from assisting my newest finder, a sweet banshee girl who wanted nothing more than to be able to sing beautifully instead of wailing mournfully. The look on her face when she first heard her new voice was so surprised and joyful that it made us both burst out laughing! Since that was her one heart’s desire, it was difficult for her to think of other ways to spend her wishes, but together we found ways to grant good fortune on her friends and family as well. She even postponed using her last wish so that I could spend more time in the outside world with her. But as always, we had to say goodbye… Still it’s marvelous when one’s finder is someone who’s truly kind. My father once warned me that my finders may not always be so pure of heart, and that I may find their wishes difficult to grant- but also that it’s not the genie’s place to hide a finder’s wishes. The finder must choose his or her own way. Thus far I’ve been lucky, as all my finders’ desires have been good natured (or at the very least, harmless), but I dread the day I will hear an ill-meant wish.

[S][H][H][S]

In the lantern there is an endless expanse of sand, and the palace that I call home. Well, I sat endless, but it doesn’t really end or begin anywhere. Once, when I was very, very bored, I set out from my home, intending to find the end of the world inside the lantern- but after an hour’s walk, I came back upon the palace I’d started from the other side, as if I’d gone around in a circle. It was very disorienting. I’ve tried it again a handful of times, but it’s no use. The lantern is entirely self-contained, and I am contained within. It has its perks, of course- my palace is beautiful, and, of course, I can rearrange it however I choose. If I want a swimming pool, or a room filled with ice cream, or a closet full of jeweled gowns, I need only nod my head. But without someone to share it with, it all seems very empty. In my world in the lantern, I can make nearly anything I want… nearly anything, that is, except a friend.

[S][H][H][H][H][S]

I will never understand the desire for finders to wish for more wishes.

A) It never works and

B) it really annoys your genie.

Besides, I grant 13 wishes per finder, which I think is quite a lot by genie standards! Some finders have told me of legends that genies grant three wishes only, but I’ve heard of genies who can only grant one- and some who can grant even more than me! Of course, genies are quite rare, and we don’t often meet. Perhaps it depends on the magic of the lantern we’re bound to, or perhaps our own inborn magic… Hmm. I suppose in many ways, I am still learning about my powers myself. Maybe I’m capable of things even I’m not aware of. Still, though, I wish that monsters would not stop wishing for exponential wishes. It will simply never happen. Myself, I only have one wish… and, oh, you can probably guess what it would be.

[S][S][H]

How did the stranger know my heart’s desire? Why did the finder decide to listen to him? How could I have been so lucky? I do not know- what I do know is that now I have a friend, and my long solitude within the lantern is at last at an end, thanks to that kind finder’s wish. Her name is Whisp, and she is my own shadow- brought to life during the Shadow Eclipse, and with a mind and will of her own. It’s strange, you would think my shadow would be the exact same as me, but Whisp is most definitely one of a kind- she is clever, mischievous and funny, and bursting with new ideas. I’ve hardly had time to write, we’ve been having so much fun together. Yesterday we raced camels across the sands, and today she wants to repaint the main hall of the palace puce, just to see how it would look. And anything she can think of, I’m happy to do- she seems to have some magic of her own, but it’s not as strong as mine. Still, I think with time, she can learn… and we have all the time in the world.

[S][S][H][H][H]

Whisp is angry with me. It’s the first time she has ever been angry with me… at least, I think so. The finders are the problem… or rather, the way I come and go with their desires is the real problem. Whisp’s power has been growing, but as of yet, she hasn’t been able to emerge from the lantern with me. She’s angry that I don’t take her with me when I go- but because I have no warning when I’m summoned and can’t return to the lamp until I have completed my tasks, I am unable to. I understand her sadness… after all, I know how it feels to be left alone. But in this matter, I am powerless, and I think she cannot imagine that I am powerless in anything. After all, she sees me working great magic in the lantern all the time. Her anger upsets me, but I can't imagine we won’t be able to work it out. She’s my best friend… I don’t want to lose her.

[H][S][H][S]

I thought having Whisp was a dream come true… but she’s become a nightmare. Whisp has been concealing her strength from me- she had grown more powerful than I realized. On my most recent summons to the outside world, she followed me- and to my horror, began to corrupt the finder, whispering dark thoughts and changing her desires, making her wish for evil things. As a genie I cannot influence a finder so… but Whisp is strong, and has no such limitations on her powers. If it weren’t for the magic mirror, I shudder to think what could have become of the world outside, plunged into eternal shadow… Thank goodness the finder came to her senses, and wished us both returned inside. For now, Whisp is hiding from me- she has her side of the palace, and I have mine, but I fear that she may soon control the world inside the lantern, I know she cannot, would not harm me- or at least, I hope not- but I am afraid of what may happen should she grow even stronger. I must try protect the finders from her influence, no matter the cost… but u do not know how difficult that will be, especially as I am unable to warn them directly. Stars and sands, what can I do?

The Very First Day of November

How strange it is to finally date an entry… to finally exist as part of the world, rather than apart from it! So much had happened… today will be my first day of school, with my new friends, and with hope for a new start. It is stran free being a genie without a lantern… my powers are unfettered, but I’ve had to promise Headmistress Bloodgood that I will keep any magic to a minimum on campus, which is probably for the best. She says they’ve never had a genie as student before, and that it will be an interesting learning experience for everyone. For me, especially, I think :) Clawdeen tried to warn me that I will find school “like, so deadly boring” after granting wishes for so long, but I told her that after being locked in a lantern for centuries is much fuller than any Bite-ology class could ever hope to be! (Frankie said I probably shouldn’t mention that to the teachers, though… they might take it as a challenge.) For now, I am closing the book in this diary and starting a new one- filled with excitement and new friends, and new ways of making my own wishes come true.

About Me

Name: Gigi Grant

Age: Dad says I’m 15, but he lost my birth certificate somewhere between Darius the Great and Julius Caesar, so I’m really not sure.

Monster Parent: The Genie.

Killer Style: Natural fabrics, especially silk, in bright colors. I’m also big on halter-tops, baggy pants and slippers. Basically, I’m all about comfort. Of course, I can’t be a total slob, cause I never know when I’m going to have to pop out for a meeting with the new boss.

Freaky Flaw: It’s not a real stretch to guess that I’m claustrophobic. Being stuck in a lamp for millennia will do that to you.

Pet: A scorpion called Sultan Sting. Don’t let the name fool you — he’s actually quite unpretentious.

Favorite Activity: I love to go sightseeing. It’s always a bonus when a monster wishes to take a trip to someplace I haven’t already been.

Biggest Pet Peeve: That wishing for extra wishes thing. As if 13 wishes isn’t enough.

Favorite School Subject: Astronomy- I love space. It’s just so open and un-stoppered.

Least Favorite School Subject: Driver’s Ed. It’s not so much the class but the tiny car you have to drive.

Favorite Color: I love peaches and gold’s.

Favorite Food: My father’s secret recipe hummus and fresh baked pita. Even after all this time I have never grown tired of it!

BFF’s: I wish I could name just one.

[gettingthebestofyou]

So, who am I and what am I doing?

I’m a 40 year old woman living in the northeast US. I’m documenting my journey on a GLP-1 Medication. Feel free to come along for the ride or to ignore entirely. There will be frank discussions on weight loss, body image, and injectables.

I’m keeping this as anonymous as I can make it. I want it to be a diary of sorts.

Here’s my story…

I was always overweight as a kid, but I learned to have a very dysfunctional relationship with food because my mother hated her weight. I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t on a diet or I wasn’t thinking about what foods were good, what was bad, or how much I could have without looking bad in public.

I managed to keep my weight under check as a child, but I was always “chubby.”

In college I went up to 180 lbs. Even with being very active, I had no control over how I was eating and didn’t ACTUALLY understand nutrition.

After college I had a fairly active job, and I tried to keep active with gyms. I went on multiple diets many times. My weight fluctuated a lot.

Part of my job requires me to be in specific kinds of clothes, and to be in front of mirrors often. I see myself all the time. I do not like what I look like.

I did not like dieting and exercise, but I managed to stay just a little overweight for the majority of this time.

I was able to keep my body in check until 2014.

In 2014 I contracted Lyme Disease, but because I did not see a target rash and my test kept coming back negative (falsely) they wouldn’t medicate me. Over the course of 4 months I went to 5 different doctors, including one who wanted to diagnose me with Fibromyalgia and treat me with a course of muscle relaxants to sleep and caffeine to keep awake. The last Doctor finally treated the Lyme, and within 24 hours of being on medication I saw a 50% reduction in symptoms. I gained about 30 lbs in those four months.

In 2014 I also went back to school and my lifestyle changed drastically. From 2014-2019 it was a struggle to have energy, to move, even to sleep sometimes. It was all symptoms I had with the Lyme, but on and off, sometimes better, sometimes worse. Dieting became a struggle for me and the things I had done to lose weight before weren’t working.

During this time, I tried many drastic things to lose weight, which only worked for a time. I started to accept that I wouldn’t never be thin.

No matter what I did, in the end, my weight always went up.

When Covid hit, like so many others, everything stopped. I was unable to move, and keeping my weight in check was a dream at this point.

In 2022 I decided I’d lived with my head in the sand long enough. While I had been well other than my weight for years, I hadn’t seen a primary care doctor since 2015, and mine had retired during the pandemic. I went to a new primary, who found a myriad of issues.

Of note: high cholesterol, high lever enzymes, high A1C and high TSH.

I ended up changing primaries because I didn’t like how she seemed so unconcerned with my high results as I have a myriad of health issues in my family history.

My new PCP is amazing. With his guidance and the help of a nutritionist and a personal trainer, I’ve decreased my overall cholesterol to normal levels, my LDL is only slightly out of range, my liver enzymes (which indicated non-alcoholic fatty liver) are also now normal, and after referring me to an endocrinologist, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis which is now being treated.

Over the last year and a half, I have not been able to get my A1C down, though, no matter what changes I make.

After my last round of blood tests, and with my PCP’s agreement and cooperation, my endocrinologist has put me on Zepbound.

I am engaging on a GLP-1 Journey, like it or not. Some days I like it, some days I don’t.

Here, I’m going to recount it all.

Today is February 3, 2024.

Today I start finding the best parts of me.

[valerie]

TWITL - week 1 - Happy 2024

I had some webhosting drama and didn't get to post this weekend so I'm starting this on Sunday night but I have to go to bed soon so I'm not even sure why I'm starting this post now. I'm hoping to get it uploaded sometime Monday but we shall see! My webhost drama started the other day when I tried accessing my site and I kept getting the 509 error message. Somehow I'd reached my bandwidth limit. How?! My website is hardly high traffic and yet I somehow hit the limit via http. Perhaps it has to do with the all the failed logins I found once I was able to get back into my site? Whatever it was, I realized it was time to upgrade my site. My previous plan no longer existed and I was fast approaching some of the limits so I went with a plan that costs much more but I didn't feel like looking for another webhost, especially since I've been with the same one for NINETEEN years and they've been pretty solid this whole time. Also, I've been kiari.com for how long?! https://flic.kr/p/2pr8ej2 remnants of an Old Fashioned Working three days the second week of break is really the best way to ease into work life after the holidays. It didn't even really feel like "work" because I had very few interruptions and I was able to just get on with what I needed to do. Work never stops, of course, so I'm sure there will be stuff on my desk when I go in today. MOVIES/TV Monarch: Legacy of Monsters - I am seriously enjoying this show. I do get annoyed with some of the characters and they almost take me out of the story but the ones who make sense to me keep me intrigued. Some of plot points seemed obvious but it was nice to say, "Ha, I knew it!" at a couple of reveals. Can't wait to see how the season ends and if it's meant to be more than just one or if it's one of those "event" type series. Barbie - I know, what took me so long to watch this movie? Well, finally pressed play and watched. It was good! Very well done and I get all the hype about it. Ryan Gosling will always be my favorite and I thought he did a great job on this movie, even if I found his Ken a little cringey at times. There are so many layers to the movie and it's not all light hearted and superficial. I think you can get as much out of it as you like... Percy Jackson and the Olympians - I have read all the Percy Jackson books so I was very excited when this show was announced.. The season so far has lived up to my expectations, from the casting of the characters to the action and plot. I look forward to each episode's drop and I know I'll be more than a little sad when it's over. I hope it's getting more than the first season. Go watch! https://flic.kr/p/2pqqLxn Random musings... - I lost an earring a couple of weeks ago at work, which made me sad because I'd had the earring for years, probably decades. I resigned myself to its loss, lamenting a little before moving on. This morning at work, we were taking down the holiday decorations and one of my last moves was moving the fake tree back to its place. I looked down and lo, there was earring! Aside from the realization that our office hadn't been vacuumed in awhile (at least two weeks or more), I was so happy to have my earring back! It's the little things sometimes... - I've been using the Hipstamatic app on my iPhone and using those pictures as my picture of the day so far in 2024. Not sure how long this will go on but I do like the way Hipstamatic surprises me with its filters. - I do hope that I write every week on my blog. We'll see how it goes! https://flic.kr/p/2pqmsWS Sometimes I wish I treated this blog more as a diary than I do. I have words swirling in my head, opinions and observations that I wouldn't mind sharing but I don't. I keep them in a private document but sometimes, I want to set those thoughts out into the world. I'm not clever enough to keep them vague though so I leave them in a place where only can read them. Ah well... Read the full article

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

We built an oden cart to remind ourselves of the simple pleasures of life

There’s nothing like crafting an oden cart with your own two hands. It’s a lot of work making the cart and learning how to make oden, but the effort pays off well. Food, to me, is a good motivator, especially when you can share it with others. I’ve been told that oden is best shared with others, so why not?

We actually had the materials to build the cart for a while from a previous event, but we never really had a chance to built it for various reasons. This week we happened to have some downtime with no major events or activities going on. Plus, it’s been rainy, so that happened to be the perfect opportunity to sit down and do something that’s time consuming, but also super engaging.

While it’s safe to say that I’m somewhat of a pro when it comes to crafting furniture, there’s still a lot I have yet to learn. The oden cart was a much needed challenge that I didn’t know I needed. After all, once you’ve spent the last five years crafting all kinds of furniture and decor, some things are bound to get stale and tedious.

Even with things you enjoy doing a lot, there’s always some aspects where you are like meh on or would prefer to be doing something else. Like for knitting, tucking in ends is my least favorite thing to do - I mean, I haven’t come across anyone who actually likes that final step, especially since even professional designers often leave that at the last minute. Seaming’s also another thing that I’m meh on. And apparently, it turns out I really hate seaming with stripes because I struggle with getting the colors to line up.

And with cooking, I’m lazy so I try to make cleanup as painless as possible. I think it takes practice to be able to figure out how to do something using the least amount of dishes and utensils possible. And also being effective so you spend less time scrambling around or waiting around while cooking.

What I’m saying is that there are some things you don’t like doing, but you gotta do it. The trick is to find ways to make things a little easier for yourself. But if you can’t, then you just gotta power through and tell yourself that future you will thank you later.

While I enjoyed building the oden cart, I’d be lying if I said it was all smooth sailing. If it was just me alone, I think I’d probably quit halfway because with all trouble I was having, it wouldn’t be worth it to keep going, especially if the final product was gonna end up being something unusable.

Safety’s important, and I wasn’t going to make something that has to do with cooking if I don’t feel confident that it won’t go up in flames because I installed something wrong. I haven’t had that happen yet and I prefer to keep it that way.

I’d be lying if I said that I accomplished building this with little to no help. First of all, it’s a big cart and I’m a tiny person, so even if I wanted to, I physically can’t. This is the kind of thing that needs at least two, preferably three at the minimum, to build.

I mentioned before that oden’s one of those things best enjoyed with a group of people. Part of the reason why I finally had the motivation for the cart was because we have some visitors staying at the camp. And what better way to treat them than with oden?

Out of the group - Raiden, Connie, Qingmei, Frill, Nilou, Sumi, Talha, and Yelan - about half of them have never had oden before. Frill’s made it before, so she took the lead in helping us set things up. Connie and Talha are also familiar with building furniture, and so that was a huge help too.

The group just came back from a meeting in Hexagon regarding the ongoing lawsuit with the Fyreball Guild. I’ve heard negative things about that guild, especially over the past few years. Basically, it was a reputable guild before it changed management about 10 years ago, and it all went downhill from there.

Frill was a well known adventurer who started out at Fyreball, at least until an incident forced her into semi-retirement a couple years ago. At the time, incompetent management was to blame as she and her travel companions did not receive adequate intel about their mission. And because they were ill prepared - a deliberate choice by the higher ups - everything that could go wrong went wrong.

Because they were led to believe that it was a low stakes routine mission, Frill and her companions never anticipated an ambush from bandits and monsters. Not the run of the mill monsters, but the kind where you need special equipment just to subdue them.

Frill and the others were lucky that they even survived. As a result, the three of them had to go through extensive rehab, especially Frill. It’s been a couple years and she’s still in a lot of pain, which has prevented her from adventuring. But instead of leaving the guild, Ship - the head of the guild who seems to have a grudge with a lot of people - guilted her into staying. He had also made it difficult for her to leave, which is pretty shitty of him.

To make matters worse, most of the people over there who once respected her now made her a punchline. She’d try to make them accountable and they’d act like she was the crazy one, accusing her of blowing things out of proportion or trying to start drama. They even made fun of her for being disabled, blaming her for being unable to get back up on her feet. Some - people she personally mentored and trained - even called her a has-been, and are making a competition of who can overshadow her achievements so she can fade in obscurity.

I’m just like, damn, that’s so fucking awful that Frill has to deal with this. And the fact that she couldn’t just walk out due to Ship’s manipulation - emotionally and legally - makes that even worse. At least now she can leave safely without fear of repercussions and retaliation.

What happened with Frill’s a pretty major event so most of the attention’s on that. She didn’t expect it to blow up this much, but after hearing everyone else’s experiences, the guild should really be held accountable for what they’ve been doing. I agree, they really shouldn’t be getting away with this.

Connie and Raiden don’t work directly for Fyreball, more like a third party, but they’ve had their share of bad experiences. Basically, Fyreball sometimes outsources missions to other adventurers, so why people like Connie, Raiden, and Jamie occasionally pick up work from there.

From my understanding, it’s not a requirement to be associated with a guild, but you’re likely to find more opportunities - and stability - if you’re signed on to one. I guess it’s kinda like a union because there’s also benefits as well that serve to protect you since being an adventurer is usually a high risk thing.

Not too long ago, Connie had another incident with Fyreball. Once in a while, Connie would take occasional jobs from there, usually for training new team members. No major incidents, but mostly minor oversights like giving someone faulty equipment. Or just mismatching, as in giving someone a mission that totally doesn’t suit their skillset. Connie only went to them because of past experience, but after one too many mismatches, they decided to look elsewhere.

However, with a recent dry spell where there wasn’t much going on in general, Connie had no choice but to look at Fyreball for work. So they dispatched Yelan, Talha, Nilou, and Sumi for an expedition as the latter three needed to get their training hours in and their guild was short on missions for that.

It was supposed to be a routine thing, but Fyreball failed to not only provide them with adequate equipment, but left out the fact that there’s a giant chasm of death. The grappling hooks Fyreball provided were not helpful, and a couple of them failed completely. There were a couple of near misses as the four of them tried to navigate the ruins. At some point, they said fuck it to the grappling hooks and improvised with ropes and some old mechanical parts.

They managed to get through the rest of the expedition and Connie decided that enough was enough. Along with the danger, Fyreball was also incredibly stingy in terms of compensation, something that has gotten worse over the past year. Connie and Yelan confronted Ship about the faulty grappler hooks, especially after finding out that another adventurer busted their skull when the rope broke, which is terrible. Ship basically told them to fuck off and stop spreading misinformation.

Raiden doesn’t have too many personal stories other than Ship being a dick to her. Fyreball occasionally works with the Dānchún Lǔmǎng and they went from being neutral to somewhat enemies when Ship and his cronies took over.

Ship, like with Frill, guilt tripped Yoshikane into staying with them. He, Koyo, and Akiko, along with the Kohaku, used to work with Fyreball occasionally. With Yoshikane and Akiko putting their foot down after being harassed and bullied by Ship for years, he’s really going after them. The more I hear about this Ship guy, I swear, he needs to be locked up or something.

Raiden says Yoshikane’s the kind of guy who people tend to oversimplify in terms of personality. Some people say he’s too much of a saccharine goody two shoes while others say he’s a stuck up guy who goes around knocking people’s heads. While Raiden admits that while she finds him a bit of a goody two shoes in some aspects, he’s not the kind of person who would be pushed around. Sure, he’s super nice to everyone, but he won’t hesitate to throw hands if you’re being rude.

So maybe he’s whacked some heads, but the others say that it wasn’t unwarranted. Qingmei says his sister Akiko’s similar in that aspect as she’s the nicest person ever, but she won’t hesitate to give you a good smack if you’re being intentionally malicious. I don’t know Yoshikane and Akiko well, but they seem really nice. So I really can’t imagine why someone would go out of their way to harass them. Then again, this is Ship we’re talking about.

Basically, Yoshikane helped Fyreball out of obligation and Ship took advantage of that. Before he knew it, they made him act as a mediator as there was a lot of infighting at the guild. At first, he thought that maybe they really do need help, so he gave them the benefit of the doubt. According to the others, he really is good at resolving conflict because he’s the kind of person who will make you sit down and work things out. Needless to say, Ship and the others at Fyreball took advantage of him.

And if that couldn’t get any worse, Ship, in some attempt to keep Yoshikane under his thumb - not that it was gonna work anyway - by deliberately setting him up to fail. By then, Yoshikane had been fed up with Ship and his cronies and wanted out. Plus, his engagement and upcoming wedding also gave him another excuse to cut his ties with the guild. Ship, on the other hand, had been telling other adventurers that Yoshikane was becoming more difficult to work with, so he wanted to teach him a lesson.

And by teaching a lesson, Ship thought it would be funny to send Yoshikane to a chaotic city with notoriously shitty public transport for a mission. The thing is, Yoshikane’s not a city person, and he probably will never be. He was born and raised in the countryside and never actually stepped foot in a city until he was around 14, which was after joining the Kohaku. Along with not being used to crowded and busy places, just being there and having to navigate an unfamiliar place alone is enough to induce anxiety in pretty much anyone.

Luckily, Yoshikane happened to know someone who lived nearby who was able to help him navigate the nightmare transportation. The mission, he said, was nothing, but being in the city and dealing with the transit was something he’d never want to go through again. And, of course, Fyreball failed to communicate the necessary information or adequately prepare him for the mission.

Obviously, had he known what kind of place that city was, he wound’t have taken the job. Ship denied deceiving him by omission but we all know by now that’s a load of bullshit. I don’t know why he thinks it’s funny to put someone through a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety.

And for what? Just to show that you have power and authority over them? To be like, “Hey, I have authority and I can get away with whatever I want. And if you try to stop me, I’ll make you look like the bad guy.”

Then there’s also Akiko, and many other young women, who were subjected to sexual harassment by Ship and his cronies. For a lot of them, like Akiko, they were teenagers when the guys started hitting on them. Like, what fuck?

And on top of all that, someone’s come forward with revealing that Ship and his cronies have a secret chat where they shit talk everyone. Stuff like giving people faulty equipment and sending Yoshikane on that mission was all deliberate. And they were cackling and making jokes about it while planning to screw these people over. And it’s not just bullying - a lot of the shit they’ve pulled could legit get people killed. I’ve skimmed through it since there was a lot and I’m like, holy fuck, what is wrong with these people?!

The person who shared these screenshots in a massive doc wishes to remain anonymous as they admitted to being a part of it and regretted it. All Frill can say is that she has some speculations about who it might be and that it couldn’t have been easy for them to come forward.

Now with the secret chat server being outed, I think it’s safe to say that there’s no coming back from this for Ship and Fyreball. There’s no way they can gaslight people into thinking these things didn’t happen when the evidence is right there. It sucks what the others went through because of him, and I hope they get compensated fairly for it.

There’s obviously a lot more to this lawsuit, stuff that Frill doesn’t know too much about as she’s not involved with that. Basically, the stuff that’s coming out in public now is only the tip of the iceberg. Just the screenshots themselves is pretty damning evidence.

As for the meeting Frill and the others were at, there’s nothing much to say other than it went pretty well. It’s one of those routine things, and since everyone was free, they might as well get it over with so the case can proceed.

And since they’re out here, might as well find something to do, travel to new places, visit some friends. After all, they traveled a long way to get here. It would be waste not to slow down a bit and enjoy the change of scenery. So that’s how they kinda came up with the idea to visit the camp.

Connie was kinda an unexpected surprise. Raiden told me ahead of time that she and Qingmei would probably stop by here with Frill. With Connie waiting around in Sango and preparing for Marippe, the office told them that it’s best to get the meeting out of the way while they still have some downtime. Luckily, Yelan, Talha, Nilou, and Sumi were able to free up their schedules as they had to be there too since the subject of that meeting was that training incident with the grappling hooks.

After seeing how Pai was when we visited Sango, I was surprised and relieved to see Connie without her. Just as we predicted, Pai was soon back to her normal self and was no longer clinging to Connie. I mean, she can be like an annoying younger sibling who wants to be involved in everything, but her behavior at the time was kinda concerning. I don’t wanna say manipulative, but she was definitely guilt tripping Connie and sometimes almost threatening to cause a scene when they argued.

While Connie’s out here, Pai’s helping Mio out at the shrine. It sounds a little weird, probably because I can’t imagine someone like Pai being a shrine maiden - which she isn’t by the way. To be honest, I don’t think she’d last that long as one - not that I would either. Too much pressure.

Instead, she’s just doing things like cleanup and running errands for Mio. Connie says she’s not too keen on it but Mio pays really well, so that’s really the only reason why she’s doing it. I bet that keeping busy also helps too as the Grand Shrine’s always full of activity.

Like I said, I was hoping to get the oden cart up and running by the time company came, but that didn’t happen. Since they arrived around evening, we couldn’t do the oden until the next day anyway.

Talha helped with the electrical stuff, something I’m still not too confident with. Frill was also a great help too as she was familiar with how an oden cart works. The blueprints, while detailed, were a bit hard to understand at times, so having her there really made things easier. Everyone else pitched in too and before we knew it, we were done!

At first, I felt kinda bad that they were helping me with the cart when they should be resting after being out on the road all day. But they all insisted that it was fine, and even said that it was nice to do something different, especially after sitting through long meetings and then traveling a long way.

I get it. And building an oden cart isn’t really something most people get to do, so it’s kinda new and exciting - at least for me.

And, of course, we treated ourselves to oden the next day. There’s a lot of prep work, but it’s nothing too difficult, especially with a group. With everyone contributing, the work took almost no time at all. Frill took the lead in teaching us the basics of oden and she’s good at explaining things.

The oden turned out fantastic! It was nice, us sitting in the cabin with our bowls of oden, just chilling out and enjoying the food on a rainy day. It may not seem like much, but sometimes it’s the simple things that brighten up a day.

Read on AO3

[mors-et-virginem]

Diary 08.09.23

Struggling. Burned out. Demoralized. Lonely. Sweating, endless sweating.

It all ties in to being neurodivergent and how that impacts me in the workplace. I started out at my current job doing really well, but lately I feel discouraged. I seem to be making mistakes that don’t even exist in our handbook. Every time I’m spoken to I listen to what’s said and do my best to ensure whatever happened doesn’t occur again. Then I come in to work after my day off just to be told something new that I’ve done “wrong.” It’s always something to do with my behavior. This time I was told I talk to customers too long. But if a customer asks me questions that require an explanation how do I ignore that? If a customer takes a liking to me and stays a few minutes to chat after their purchase how is that bad if there’s no other customers in the shop to help? I’m not telling them my life story or anything, it’s just usually them asking my name, thanking me for my help and me returning their thanks, a handshake and a quip about our hours if they ask. I don’t understand how this is different from what I see my coworkers doing, or my boss, who’s always interacting with customers, laughing, asking them about their lives, he obviously knows them on a personal level so why is it different for me when a customer does the same? I don’t initiate these interactions, they’re just happy with the service I provide. So how am I wrong? And this has been happening consistently for weeks. I’m never written up, but I get a lengthy lecture every time he’s displeased, at least 10 minutes long this time. My heart starts racing, I feel my skin getting hot and I want to cry. And the whole time I somehow manage to keep it together, respond with affirmations and thank him for bringing it to my attention. The week prior he lectured me in front of my coworker about things he’d heard second hand, which were absolutely untrue. Then he turned and asked my coworker if they had anything to add, and I felt like the floor dropped out from under me. My coworker brought up an occasion that happened weeks ago that I couldn’t recall and claimed I didn’t give enough information and looked like I was uninformed which wasn’t true-I was careful about the words I used because we sell products that while used for pain relief, we can’t use verbiage that would imply it’s medicinal, etc. We’re not doctors. But it was unpleasant. This coworker opened up to me about their personal life and their struggles, and I thought of them as a friend, at least in the workplace. Now I feel like I can’t trust them. I’ve also been lectured about how I speak. “I know you’re socially awkward but still.” I struggle with mixing my words up, or sometimes I do this thing where I’ll mix the first letters of a word with the second, word salad as I like to call it. It’s frustrating not being able to phrase things the way I’d like, but I take time to think on what I’m saying and correct myself if I slip up. I’ve been like this my whole life and I know it’s gotten worse over the last few years, but I can’t help it. I don’t know what my exact problem is. I was diagnosed with depression, ptsd and ocd as a child. I never really understood how it affected me until I was an adult. I’m not even sure if that’s what’s wrong with me but I don’t have the resources for a psychiatrist right now to re diagnose me as an adult.

Now when I come into work I’m always on guard. I feel like I have to be careful of what I say or do, and it feels like I’m having to shove myself into this very small box and try my best to be “normal”.

Recently I realized this is a pattern at most of my jobs. Since 2019 I haven’t had a job for more than a year or so at a time. I start strong, and leave feeling hollowed out. Not all of my jobs have left me with a bad taste in my mouth, and some just didn’t pan out by circumstance. Like when one of my jobs closed because the owner sold it without warning to a local university.

But now that I’ve seen the pattern, not just in my jobs but my personal life, I’m concerned. There’s something wrong with me, and I’m scared it’s not fixable just by trying my best alone. I’m not saying I’m the perfect employee, I do make mistakes and I own them. But this series of seemingly arbitrary infractions that are beyond the scope of our guidebook brought to my attention, the demoralizing lectures and the embarrassment of being lectured in front of others instead of privately is really getting to me. I’m looking for another job. I’m just scared I’m never going to find a place again where I fit in and I’m not having the weirdest things held over my head. Being neurodivergent and speed running through life unmedicated and largely without therapy has its consequences. There’s a lot that I’m realizing only now, and most of it circles back to how badly I think I’ve fucked up my life. I can keep it together for a while, then it falls apart again, and I just feel like it’s a cycle I’ll never be able to break, and I don’t tell anyone because I don’t want my friends to think, “Oh, here she goes again.”

I’m trying not to give in and just let it all fall down around me. Trying to hold on to hope. I just needed a place to put this down and free up some space in my mind.

[a-moment-of-your-time]

2 words

5 letters

i’ve never been hurt

by anything more

•

Everytime I see things like this my chest shatters. My mind is constantly spinning with thoughts of you. I used to be able to sleep to escape the pain but now you’re in every dream and nightmare too.

Today I was going through my phone deleting old texts and random group chats and I really realized how much I shut down when my dad died. There’s so many messages I never responded to, well wishes sent from family friends who I’m sure were grieving too. I wish I could’ve seen how bad it was so I wouldn’t have ended up here. It took me so long to pull myself out and the sad part is I don’t think it would’ve lasted so long if I had left with you that day. I could’ve just left my life here behind and stayed with you, you were always the one who could save me with a sideways smile or a million hugs and kisses. Maybe I would’ve gotten it together sooner. I wonder where we would be. You said we’d be married and have a house and some kids by now and I’d like to think that that’s true. I would’ve been able to hear the song you wrote on our wedding day like you always planned. I’d get to hear you sing and play guitar to our babies. We’d get to build our perfect little dream house from the ground up like we always wanted. I would’ve been able to meet the rest of your family, they would’ve become mine and mine yours. You were always family to us though, always here or on the phone. You know you and my sister talked and she told you to run. You said she’s running away and I’m running towards her. You were the only one who ever saw me for who I really was. Never made me doubt myself around you for a second. There was never insecurity or judgement. Everything with us was so different than any other relationship I’ve seen or experienced, we talked about what we wanted in life and our beliefs and our boundaries with our metaphorical children after only knowing each other for a few weeks if that. It’s like we were meant to be from the very first second and the rest of our lives was on the tips of our fingers. I should’ve gotten in your car that day, if not I should’ve gotten on that plane in September. I want you. I want our life. Our perfect, beautiful, fairytale life. At the very least, I just want to be in your life.

I’m still constantly wondering if you’re missing me. I know that I shouldn’t let anything give me hope but why would you ask about me if you didn’t care? Multiple people have doubted that this vampire diaries epic type of love exists but I just can’t bring myself to believe that you don’t feel this too. Maybe you just convinced me so well of how much you loved me with all of the videos saying you couldn’t wait to marry me, the asking me to say I do so you could have it as a live picture, the night you sent anagrams, telling me you loved me more than chicken, keeping me alive, coming home every day on your lunch to check on me when my mental health was bad, who knows. Maybe I am delusional. Maybe I really do love you more. I didn’t even think it was possible to love someone as much as you loved me but I think I might love you more than that.

We’re leaving in two days. I really hope you come back around. I want you to show me and stormy all of your favorite places, I don’t want to go to anywhere we planned without you. When I was there in December even going to the random places made my heart drop. We have so much left to do and memories to make. Am I really just supposed to accept that this is the end?

Well, that’s the end for now I guess. Another letter you’ll never read. I love you, fawcn.

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

300 of 2023

....And that's who I am. [True or False]

Created by joybucket

I'd rather be behind the camera than in front of it. I'm quiet, but I have a lot to say. I get awkward when people compliment me. I like being alone. I like to pretend my life is a TV show. I overthink. I'm insecure about my body. I dwell on the past a lot. I really hate being alone. I love running. 🏃‍♀️ I still wear clothes from the children's section. I express myself better in writing than out loud. ✍️ I barely have a social life. I care way too much about what people think of me. I don't drink. 🍷 I get lost in my thoughts. 💭 I never let people see me cry. 😢 I've contemplated suicide. I have an overactive imagination. 🦄 My imagination terrifies me. I've been bullied. I've never been kissed. I've never been in a relationship. I'm hard to understand. I'm not sure who I am. I love singing to myself. I still use my fingers to count in math. I wish I had the courage to confess my feelings. I'm always comparing myself to other people. I like the sound of rain. 🌧️ I love Marilyn Monroe. I love pancakes. 🥞 I eat more than I should. I dream of getting my writing published. 📖 I love deep conversations. I think up strange things that no one else understands. My room is always a mess. I'm fascinated by stars. ✨ I love making people smile. I have a brother. I'm a hopeless romantic. I love sweater weather. I'm so much more than who they say I am. I love rain. 🌧️ I try my hardest to stay strong. I love pizza. 🍕 I have another life in my dreams. I'm spiritual. I believe in miracles. ✨ I'm always hungry. I'm trying to lose weight. I've been abused. I could spend hours doing nothing. I love popcorn. 🍿 I love cookies. 🍪 I love fashion. 👗 I'm always daydreaming. 💭 I love Christmas lights. (as long as they don’t flicker) I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I believe in Jesus Christ. I'm a Christian. ✝️ I would give anything to be thin. I love chocolate. 🍫 I don't drive. I'm not stereotypical. I'm passionate. I'm a caffeine addict. I'm a movie junkie. I love thunderstorms. I love tea. ☕️ I'm insecure. I'm a mess of gorgeous chaos. I love Italian food. 🍝 I love Chinese food. 🥡 I'm sensitive. (more than I show) I'm creative. I hate being ignored. I play out conversations that never did and never would happen in my head. I never speak out. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to love again. I don't understand people at all. I never feel good enough. I'm girly. 🎀 I'm a dreamer. I'm asexual. I'm an American. 🇺🇸 I dream of Hollywood. I'm happiest when I'm eating. I'm shy around the opposite gender. I want to move to New York. 🏙️ I sometimes hate myself. I'm good with animals. I'm single. I wish I could change everything about myself. I long to work for a fashion magazine. I'm really scared of life. I keep a diary. 📔 I love steampunk. I love origami.