#I’ve graduated to typing out rants in teams messages to myself

[terrainofheartfelt]

The thought of a fried chicken sandwich truly the only thing getting me through this day

[morningflames]

a word of warning

well here’s a post i never thought i’d be making

it’s come to my attention that a Certain Someone is planning on making a comeback to WrA soon and it fills me with nothing short of dread. i spent the day yesterday warning people he terrorized and manipulated that this was happening. you know it’s bad when there’s a literal network of people who share an abuser that have remained in contact for years in the event this happened again.

i am not going to lie and say that making this post does not terrify me but i cannot in good conscience sit back and let him worm his way into the rp scene again and do what he did to me and at least half a dozen others all over again.

to summarize: tarcanus aka tarcanus frostborne is a manipulative, emotionally abusive and predatory individual that should be avoided at all costs.

i am the player behind lyrinel, a former officer of his and someone who was on the receiving end of nearly a years worth of abuse and manipulation. my experiences pale in comparison to those of others who dealt with him and came forward to me after i left his guild, and i cannot speak for anyone who does not feel comfortable coming forward. if you do want to let your voice be heard, feel free to reblog and add your own anecdotes.

my story below the cut.

tw: manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting, coercion, grooming

i first joined coram populo in early 2014 after my best friend and fellow survivor (i will refer to her by her character’s name of thradia from here on out) joined the raid team in december of the previous year. we were both just looking for a social place to park our characters and maybe start role playing again, as we hadn’t had a guild or dedicated rp group in a while. things were fine and friendly for the first couple of months, though it’s worth noting that a large part of the office corps had just left or was in the process of leaving when thradia and i joined. we were both 18 at the time.

i made the mistake of reaching out to tarc in the spring, when i noticed him posting to his tumblr about how busy he was. i offered to be an IC assistant of sorts to his character and he was more than happy to toss me into an absolute whirlwind. we still didn’t know much about each other, but in the span of a couple weeks we went from casual contact in guild chat to immensely long (sometimes between 10 and 12 hours) skype calls, constant DMing, and an almost uninterrupted stream of conversation. i was struggling to finish high school at this time (spoiler: i failed to graduate) and found myself suddenly caught in an all-consuming relationship with this man and his guild. from the moment i woke up to the moment i finally hung up and crawled into bed, my time was taken up by tarc and the guild and the game.

i was promoted to officer less than five months after joining the guild. this was overwhelming for a number of reasons, chief among them being the fact that i had never been an officer in a guild like this before and i was very quickly escalated to tarc’s “inner circle.” this was a circle that he evidently didn’t even include his most senior officers in, as he didn’t seem to communicate with them to the extent or abundance that he did with me - and later, when she was ALSO promoted to officer, thradia. 

within a few weeks i found myself at the center of dozens of micro-confrontations and venting from tarc about other members of the guild, raid team, and even fellow officers. every time, i would tell him he needed to take it to his co-gm and talk it through with her. she, like him, was a grown woman with a lot more experience and better people skills than me, a teenager barely out of high school, but tarc insisted on beating me over the head with his frustrations and then proceeding to guilt me and tell me i was a terrible friend when i didn’t agree with him or expressed i was uncomfortable being in the center of a vent session that i felt was unwarranted. 

tarc was never wrong. he did not apologize. the words “i’m sorry” did not exist in his vocabulary, and if they did, they were almost always followed up with the word “but.” constantly he would be sending multiple messages to me or thradia while we were running events and raids for the guild, ranting about a few particular members that he disliked at the time regardless of how we felt about said members. thradia and i would both be reduced to tears and/or anxiety attacks by his outbursts that all but demanded we take his side even if we didn’t. his feelings and circumstances were paramount. everyone else’s were just inconveniences. 

tarc was always the victim. no matter what was going on, no matter who had instigated whatever vein of conversation we were on that had gone awry, he had a way of making you feel like utter shit until you grovelled for his forgiveness, which he rarely gave. instead he would move on without giving any closure or allowing you to discuss your feelings at length. if you tried, you were the insensitive one who he couldn’t go to with his “unfiltered emotions,” which was the entire purpose of his inner circle to hear him say it. i was not allowed to just be his friend or just be an officer, i had to be both and neither at the same time, and it still was not the right course of action. nothing ever was.

tarc was openly manipulative and antagonistic, always citing it as an “inside joke” when called on it. i opened up to him once about my father’s alcoholism and how i was uncomfortable with alcohol culture and being around drunk people. regardless, he would constantly call while drunk (or maybe he was pretending to be to get a rise out of me, i honestly do not know what was genuine and what was put on with him) and make me stay on the call with him for hours. when he was (allegedly) diagnosed with an inability to process certain alcohols that could be life threatening, he continued to drink (or claimed he was drinking) dangerous amounts, which lead to me begging him to stop as i feared for his life. one of the worst anxiety attacks i have ever had was over him endangering his health and me believing i was going to see a friend die. he knew how much this upset me and he did not stop. he held me as a captive audience to his self destruction (or the playacting of it) and let me cry and beg and plead with him to take care of himself.

tarc loves to promote a clean, “family friendly” persona online. he will go on and on about the positive atmosphere his guild provides and how progress and accepting he and his “safe spaces” are. as soon as you are inducted to his inner circle, however, you learn otherwise. he will gladly engage in sexually charged conversation with you, even if you are ten years younger than him as thradia and i were. we were both legal adults, yes, but just barely. i can’t count the inappropriate remarks and jokes made about us, our friends, and even minors all in the spirit of joking “what if” conversation. he has a history of making young LGBT+ people uncomfortable, making their sexualities and identities about him and how he can relate to them. 

tarc was the most two-faced and divisive guild leader i’ve ever seen. he would rant to me mercilessly about wanting to kick one of the junior officers and raid team members in private while never saying a word to their face or bringing it up with the co-gm. he would start schisms between people, telling each what they wanted to hear and encouraging both parties not to confront each other about it, allowing the resentment and distrust to grow as he fanned the flames on both sides. he wanted people to stay in the guild and continue to basically work for him while also putting him above anyone else in their friend circles. he told straight up lies to thradia and i, claiming one of us had said things about the other that we never did, driving a wedge and distrust between us.

tarc treats his guild(s) like a business. he is entirely capitalist-minded even in an MMORPG that people play for fun, churning out “content” and keeping up appearances like a machine. he treats his officers and guild members like employees, not people. any time irl would demand attention away from the game, forcing someone to miss or cancel an event, he would subtly guilt them about it until they apologized, even if it was a dire situation or a family emergency. 

when tarc wanted to start a wow roleplaying podcast, he approached me about cohosting. he wanted a female voice, and since i was out of school and had no job lined up due to not graduating i was the perfect candidate. i came on to narrate and research the lore segment of the looking for roleplay podcast, which was little more than me paraphrasing a wowwiki article, but i was held to a “professional” standard. i had to have my research done by a certain day, my recording done in advance, etc. 

the podcast was a spot of contention for several reasons, one being the mysterious emails tarc would allegedly receive about it. the podcast had a shared email account that all three of us could access and look at, but tarc claimed that people sent emails directly to him since “everything’s under his email.” he would use these strawman emails as indirect criticism of turwinkle and i, reading them aloud or typing up what they supposedly said but NEVER producing a real screenshot or address to verify them. i’m convinced he only did this as a way to make turwinkle and i feel badly and work harder “for the listeners” to appease things tarc didn’t like about our segments. he also insinuated he got inappropriate emails about me specifically at this account but, again, i was never allowed to see them with my own eyes, just hear about them secondhand, which is why i believe they did not exist.

around this time, tarc began recording conversations without mine or thradias consent. he would start recording random sections of calls and taunt us, playing back out-of-context lines and joking that he would make “podcast commercials” out of them. they were often embarrassing, personal, or just wildly out of context lines that we didn’t want played to the public, and i heard only a fraction of what he possibly recorded of me. i have no idea what kind of material he has of me and thradia that was recorded without us knowing or consenting. it felt like blackmail. it still does.

i internalized all of this. i thought this was normal. i thought he was an excellent guild leader and a role model for leadership. i had begun to treat world of fucking warcraft like a goddamn job and i thought that was fine. my life revolved around coddling and entertaining him, socializing and promoting and recruiting for the guild, raiding, running pvp entirely on my own, keeping up IC connections and attending events, recording for the podcast, all of it. i ate, breathed, and slept wow and coram. it was insane. i had been talked into having no boundaries for myself and my time, and any time i tried to correct that and build a boundary i was attacked for it until i backed down. i have never felt worse about myself than i did while i was in this guild. i trusted no one. i was worn thin.

i finally had enough early 2015. at this point this man was trying to get me to come live with him hundreds of miles from my family so that i could attend a technical school in his area. i am still 18. he was 28. i had been trying to step down from my position as an officer, citing if i was going to be LIVING WITH HIM that it was going to give me an unfair bias in my standing in the guild. this set him all the way off. he was planning a trip to atlantic city for me, himself, and thradia, who i had a ticket to visit for my birthday. he was getting frantic because he had been pursuing thradia for months, and i was no longer cooperating. 

when i threw this wrench in everything, our relationship devolved in the span of a few hours. within the day i left the guild on all of my characters and pulled myself out of all of his projects. within the month i had frantically faction changed several characters and eventually unsubscribed from the game for two years because i lived in fear of him. he had always alluded to “knowing people” who could hack and track IP addresses and kept tabs on everyone who visited his blogs and websites. i didn’t know what i thought he was going to do - all i knew was his thinly veiled brags and threats were at the forefront of my mind. i have played this game since 2006, but for the first time in my life i couldn’t enjoy it out of fear and exhaustion caused by him. he had ruined my favorite game in less than a year and made me paranoid about my entire online presence, to the point where this blog was abandoned for months before i turned it into what it is today. 

and the thing is, tarc’s not a creepy or abrasive guy when you first meet him. he’s funny and charismatic and outgoing. he loves to tell you about his world travels and show you pictures of him petting baby tigers at rescues in southeast asia and go on about these crazy winnings he would have in vegas. he’s larger than life - at least online. he came to visit me twice in the year that we knew each other. the first time was also the first time i had ever met thradia in person, and we had been friends for six years at that point. he has met my family, and that of several other members (both my age and older). no one ever questions why he’s there. no one ever thought it was odd that for a week he hung out with three teenage girls exclusively. 

this horrifies me to this day. 

thradia and i are still best friends. we compared notes and were sickened at how we were played against each other. slowly, i returned to the game. i reached out to people who had left or been on their way out when i first joined the guild, curious to see if there was a common thread. there was. everyone i spoke with had similar stories: being made to feel like shit, nothing they ever did for the guild was enough, they weren’t allowed to miss events or raids no matter what the reason, they were questioned and joked about inappropriately and made to feel uncomfortable and preyed upon, etc. i was not the only one. thradia was not the only one. at least half a dozen other former members and/or officers had these stories, and tarc just kept getting away with it.

he cannot keep getting away with it.

i am being open with this for the first time in six years because i don’t want to see it happen again. because i don’t want to know that, had i said something sooner, more people could have been protected. i was 18 when this was going on. i had no real world experience. i had no standard for how i should be treated, much less by someone almost ten years my senior and who claimed to be my friend. but he knew better. he should have had boundaries and space and lines he refused to cross. he did not. he crippled my trust in people for a very long time. i have only become comfortable playing wow on horde side again in the past year or so. i finally stopped looking over my shoulder, /who’ing him and his guild, avoiding rp hubs. but now i feel like i can’t do that anymore. the safety i have worked so hard to achieve for myself is now threatened.

i understand my experiences are mild in comparison to what some offenders on this server have done. but at the end of the day, this year was the worst year of my life. to this day, the skype ringtone literally triggers me because i associated it with him and his endless calls that i never knew what to expect from or how to get out of. i can’t look at certain parts of the game without feeling fear. for months i held my breath going online or logging into wow because i was waiting for him to pop up and start accusing me of things or trying to guilt me into coming back.

tarc ran coram populo, a guild that, as far as i know, still staggers along with a few members who can’t be bothered to leave. whether or not he’s planning to return there, i don’t know. he organizes and runs (from what i can tell) the azerothian trade federation (whatever the fuck that is). i don’t know what his plans are. i don’t know what his online presence looks or will look like when he comes crawling back. but i beseech you, do not give him the time of day. do not give him a platform, no matter how nice and “woke” he makes himself out to be. he lures you in with humanist ideals and then sucks the absolute life out of you- and that’s if he doesn’t want to pressure you into a relationship on top of it.

to tarc: if somehow you’re reading this, stay away from me. keep my name out of your mouth. i do not want an apology and a string of half-assed, gaslighting excuses. i have records of past conversations. i have screenshots. i know what you fucking did to me and to my friends. i do not want you back. i do not want you here. i do not want to share space with you. i want you to go away and never come back. 

you alone made it so hard to trust myself and other people. thradia and i both have had to seek therapy due to you. and now, you have the audacity to come riding back into the scene on a white horse, being self righteous about abuse and predatory behavior online, and have the utter gall to condemn behaviors you yourself emulated without apology or second thought. i know you think you’re a good guy. that’s what makes you so fucking dangerous. you genuinely don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and if you do, you’ve buried it and squirreled it away and have covered it up to the point where you can turn any accusation back on the claimant. 

do not attempt to contact me. do not try to threaten or appease me. go back where you were. i am finally at home again, and you will not take that from me. go. away.

[shittyfandomimagines]

Always Fix It

This is sloppy. I’m tired. I don’t wanna work tomorrow.

GIF creds to owner

“Ahh, my favorite person!” Manny opened the door after I knocked. “What’s up!” I hug him and he kissed my head. “We’re just waiting on you and Shawn, who isn’t with you?” He seemed just as confused as I was.

“Yeah, I think he’s at the studio still, I just decided to come over here without him.” I put my jacket on the rack, Manny leading me to the dinner table.

“My girl!” Karen yells and I hug her tightly. “Where’s Ali?” I ask and they both give me a look. “Wanted to go out with friends, family time is annoying at this age.” Karen rolls her eyes and it makes me chuckle.

I absolutely love Shawn’s family, they let me come to their house when Shawn’s on tour, they constantly invite me out for supper, they check in on me at least once a week, I couldn’t ask for a better relationship with my fiancé’s family.

“Well, let’s sit down. Want anything to drink?” She asks and I hesitate before I sit down. “I’ll get a glass of water.” I turn and Manny stops me. “I got it!”

I smile warmly and sit down with Karen, Manny comes back soon with a glass of wine and water. I give my thanks before sipping on it slowly. The food on the table looked absolutely wonderful, roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, beans, rolls. I mean the whole shebang.

“It looks amazing Karen, sorry Shawn isn’t here yet.” I pout a little, I wasn’t surprised honestly. It’s been like that for weeks now and I don’t know how he wanted me to feel about it. Maybe it’s been months, I don’t know, I’ve just learned to cope with it.

“He’d show up late to his own funeral if he could.” Manny joked and I felt like it was Shawn here, I missed his sense of humor and dad jokes.

“How’s the planning going?”

“Oh you know, slowly but surely. Shawn’s been so busy, it’s kind of hard to come to an agreement.”

“He is helping, right? Don’t let him make you do it on your own.”

His mom's scolding was cute, but I still felt the need to lie for him. He didn’t help a bit on the wedding plans, even when I asked and I never realized how much I’ve done alone until now.

“He helps when he can!” I lie straight through my teeth and I see her give me a weary smile.

I look at my phone shortly, hoping Shawn had sent a message to my previous one asking if he’d show up. There was absolutely no response and it was not even seen.

“Y/n, tell us about your promotion! Your mom had mentioned it at work the other day.” I smiled at the friendship between both of our moms, it was amazing. It also helped that they worked together at a real estate company.

“I get to go to the firms and work with the lawyers now, instead of just sitting on the sidelines. I’ll most likely do paperwork or assistant type things, but it’s still the idea of sitting with the council. I finish law school soon so this is just perfect training.” I explain and Manny’s eyes widen.

“No way! That’s amazing hun! Is that why Shawn posted that picture at the club the other night? A good celebration?” He asks and my smile faltered. “Um, well no. He, he went out with his friends to celebrate the song they finished. I worked at the restaurant that night.” I explained and their faces fell too. Truth was that I didn’t even get the chance to tell him, he was so excited about that song that I didn’t want to try to outdo him on it. He had been in a lyrical bend for a week prior to that day.

“Well, you two got to celebrate right?”

“Not exactly, but it’s okay! I celebrated with my mom and dad, though. It’s nothing that big! I mean once I graduate law school, it’ll be a big deal.”

“That’s not right, you worked so hard to get moved up. We’ll throw a party for Shawn’s side. You deserve all the praise.”

—

“Well, it’s been 20 minutes, let’s dig in. No sense in the food getting cold.” Manny said and I made a small plate of food. The nerves of tonight made my appetite decline.

We all ate in almost silence, I had sent Shawn a few voicemails and texts. The knots in my stomach were mostly from overthinking a lot of things in my life.

I felt like everything had been downhill since the proposal, which sounded completely awful. I feel like he did it to just keep me at bay for a while, make sure I was content so he could stay in the studio. I had nothing against his music and I love it fully; but if there ever came a day to wed me or wed his music, I’d be afraid of the outcome.

He’s such a hard worker and I would never want to make him choose, but I feel like I’m a little baby and giving me a ring was like giving me a pacifier; it kept everything at bay with planning and I didn’t have time to realize his total absence.

I felt like I could vomit just at the thought, so I slowly halted my eating. “Everything okay?” Karen’s eyes danced with worry and I nodded quickly. “Ate too fast.” I lied. They tried to ignore it and I just continued to look down at my plate sadly.

My mind went back to what Manny said about the clubbing, my heart hurt that I didn’t even get the chance to tell him. I knew I couldn’t be mad at anyone but myself because I could tell him at any point, but my good heart just tells me to let him have his moment.

“I made your absolute favorite dessert, Peanut Butter Pie, with cookie crust because you hate pie shells!” Karen was thrilled and I smiled warmly. “You’re too good to me.” That wasn’t was a lie for sure; they were both gracious and wonderful.

I took a small bite of the pie, my heart was so happy to have them but my fear of losing them made my heart soar. All of the doubts I was having right now made me panic internally.

The thoughts of Shawn maybe not wanting me as a wife and only doing this to satisfy me made me worry.

The front door opened and my heart hoped it was Shawn for sanity sake, but it was his beautiful sister. “Y/n!” She came to my side to give me a hug.

“Where’s Shawn, he bailed again?” She groans and I felt tears spring to my eyes. I kept my head low as I nod. “Yeah, I guess he’s just so busy.”

I felt all of them staring at me, I didn’t want to let them see me bawl my eyes out, so I shot up quickly to hide in the bathroom.

—

After a good 5-8 minutes of crying softly, a knock was placed on the door of the downstairs bathroom. “Hey doll, it’s Karen. Can I come in?” She asks so sweetly, I turned the lock carefully.

“Sorry about that.” I wiped the tears off and sniffled loudly. “Hey, there’s no need to apologize to me. I raised two kids and I’ve seen plenty of tears.” She got on the floor with me, I felt awful about that.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong? Was it us?” She asks and I look at her scared eyes. “No way! Your family is beyond amazing to me and my family. I just feel a little bad today, no biggie.” I brush it off to make her feel better and she pouts.

“My son is the problem, talk to me so I won’t have to punish my grown man-child.”

“I’m just not enough for him, you know? I’m average, I work a crappy internship and at a small restaurant to feel validated to him. I’m overly clingy and my heart is too sweet to let someone I love know they’ve absolutely crushed me. I’m average looking, I could lose some weight and I’m actually trash. I don’t like all the fancy things like Shawn, I don’t really fit into his lifestyle. Honestly, he probably doesn’t even want to marry me! I mean it’s like there's a ring, please stay hopeful that I love you and try to plan a wedding for a superstar and his mid-average fiancé.” I was ranting and blabbering, my tears had resurfaced before I had the first sentence finished.

“You don’t mean that. There’s no way you could possibly not be enough for him. I remember the day he came home from your first date, the whole hour prior to leaving he hated that I set him up with a coworkers daughter. Then, he came home with those sparkly eyes and was talking to Manny about how unrealistic you were. How crazy that something that good could possibly show up in his hectic life. He told his dad that he couldn’t wait for the next second he got to spend with you.” She explains and I smile at the memory.

“Yeah, that was then though. I’m still below average and I really don’t fit in anymore. That boy is constantly changing and I don’t know if I can keep up with me being my boring self.”

“I thought the same with Manny, he was a business owner and I sold houses, I wasn’t that special. I was afraid I couldn’t keep up but it turns out a good team knows how someone has to carry the torch a little bit further ahead. Some days you’ll be at the same pace or there are other days where someone is the turtle. It isn’t about who is ahead or behind, it’s about how you cross the finish line together.”

“I understand what you mean, I just don’t know how to ever approach him. I lied earlier, Shawn doesn’t even know I got promoted. I was going to tell him but he was so happy to finally get a song done, I knew he was in a rut. I can’t even make him happy and I know music does, I knew I could’ve told him anytime after that but I thought it was dumb too because it’s insignificant to his happiness. I wouldn’t want to bore him.”

“He loves you, he would be happy to hear that you’re happy. He brags about you constantly, he even bragged when you made it through your first tattoo session. He loves you.”

“I guess, I can’t remember the last time he said it nor can I remember the last time he slept in bed with me. I mean I know he’s asleep in the house because he’s thinking of a song but I miss him. I can’t ask him to give up music, I’m not that important compared to that.”

I tried so hard not to sob my eyes out in front of my soon-to-be-mother in law. I really didn’t want to even talk to her about it because I shouldn’t load my drama onto her about her son. I should’ve just cried myself to sleep like any other Thursday night.

“The night before he proposed, he came over to show us the ring. He bought it somewhere in Italy months prior because he knew that was the ring he wanted on your finger. I know he’s an idiot sometimes, he’s my spawn so I can say it, but he does love you. Manny talked about me that way when we were dating, engaged, and still now. I know he’s a mess but he does love you.”

I give her a hug and pull back to grab some tissues off the counter. I wipe the rest of my tears off for the sake of Karen and I’s relationship. I was still hurting so bad because his mom was telling me this but not him. It’s held minimum value even though I loved her.

We both stood up and I had a weak smile. “I shouldn’t have even done that, I’m so sorry. I’ll see ya Karen, love you bye!” I zipped out of the bathroom and bolted to the door.

“Wait!” Ali’s voice stopped me and I turned to her worried face. “Are you and Shawn do? Is everything okay?” She asked quickly and my heart broke. I didn’t even think that far. “It’s all good sweet girl, I just need to go home. I love you okay?” I kiss her forehead, bid Manny goodbye, and made it back to my car before the 4th round of tears.

—-

I found my way to the old walkway behind our old apartment. It wasn’t as awkward as it sounded because behind our old apartment meant 2 miles down the road yet it was accessible somewhere close to the house. Not important. I walked up to the trail, the stars were shiny and the slightly red moon was beautiful.

My phone was buzzing off the hook; between my mom, Shawn’s mom, Ali, and then Shawn. I could only imagine that his mom went off on him.

Deciding to turn off my phone seemed to be the best bet for now. I know it’s hard to love in our generation, even more so when my love is displayed online. And between such a caring family. Therefore, it’s so much for satisfying to just breathe.

I hadn’t even noticed that an hour had passed, I just felt so at ease with the cool air and pretty sky. The tears were off and on but they weren’t as bad. I had to at least face Shawn, even if it was cliche, we never left things hostile or rough between us.

When I pulled up to the house, Shawn’s car was parked there and I could see all the lights on. I took a deep breath before unlocking the door.

“Y/n?” Shawn’s voice was traveling down the stairs as ran down them. “Yeah, it’s me.”

“Where’ve you been? My mom told me something wasn’t right and she was concerned for us. Ali said she’s afraid you’re gonna leave, dad wants to murder me. Baby, please tell me what’s goin’ on.” He tried to take my hand and I pull it away, sticking them into my pockets.

“W-we need to talk.” I stutter out and I could see every ounce of fear soak through his body

He leads us to the dining room table and I see the flowers there, I try not to smile. “I picked them up before my mom yelled at me over the phone.”

“I’m not good enough for you.” I rip the bandaid right off and his eyes widen. “Are you insane? You’re more than enough.”

“I could probably never make you as happy as music or touring can. I don’t really have anything interesting about me anymore. I got promoted at work and the more I think about it, the more I realize that it isn’t that special.”

“Babe-“

“Wedding planning is very stressful. I don’t think you want to really marry me, I mean it’s not like you are right? I mean it was probably just a way to settle me down so you could work on music. Don’t get me wrong, I support you like I support eating chicken nuggets, but you don’t even help. I can’t remember the last time you said you loved me and I tell myself that you're busy with work so you don’t want to sleep with me, but maybe I’m just not something you want to wake up or fall asleep to anymore.”

“Can I plea-“

“I used to always be afraid that you would wake up one day and realize that I’m not enough. I-i think we both see that now. So I get it if you want to leave me, I’m not meant for your constantly changing lifestyle. I don’t like the same fancy things as you and maybe you’re meant to be with someone fully committed to the same things you love. I’m sorry.”

I had tears rushing down my face as I cried loudly, I didn’t even like to cry in front of him, but it didn’t help that he also had tears in his eyes.

“Baby, I love you more than I think anyone has ever loved something. I’m so sorry I neglected you and you are perfectly validated in my eyes. You never ever have to question if you’re enough because I’m the one questioning if I am. I literally don’t know how you love someone constantly on the move. You give so much of yourself to me and I could never thank you enough. I love you so much and I guess I never realized how absent I’ve been in our love.” He stopped his speech for a second to let out a very pained choke of air, I wanted to reach for his hand but it felt like mine weighed a thousand pounds.

“I wanted to marry you after our 3rd date. That sounds so silly but I wanted a ring on your finger for years now, but I knew I needed to wait when the time was right. I- I can’t believe I have made you think I didn’t love you or want to be with you solely for the reason that I get to be a family with you. It was never ever the reasoning you think, I did it solely because the love I feel for you couldn’t be contained to just a boyfriend. I’ll help you restart planning or help you find someone to plan it, whatever you want, I’ll do. You’re my fucking soulmate. I’m so sorry.”

He cried and never looked me in the eyes, I honestly have never seen him cry this hard. It didn’t matter how sad I was over our relationship, I couldn’t stand to see his pain this intensely.

“I didn’t lay with you because I didn’t want to wake you up, I knew how hard you’ve been working to get promoted at the firm, I didn’t want you being sleep deprived because of my constantly moving figure. Which by the way, I am so happy you’re promoted. You literally deserve it all because you are the hardest working woman I know. I wish you would’ve told me sooner. Oh God, I love waking up to you and id do some questionable things just to get to hold you at night. I could never love my music as much as I love you, music makes me happy but you make me live. You know me like the back of my hand, I could never possibly unlove you. I am so sorry, please understand.”

“I do understand and I should’ve come to you sooner, I’m just afraid Shawn. Always.”

“I am too, but I know there is no one else I’d rather face every tomorrow with. Can we call it a truce and let me make you a bowl of ice cream? I can put on Mulan and hold you.” He raised his eyebrows.

Nothing made my heart soar like that mischievous smile that also held so much love. “Fine, I could care less about anything m we watched or ate, I just want you.”

“So you don’t care about anything we get to eat?” He smirked

“You’re on thin ice buddy, thin ice.”

[judedeluca]

Last Friday I Tried To Kill Myself: My Rant On Why Heroes In Crisis Is Destructive Garbage And Why Stories Like This Need To Stop Being Made

TW: Suicide, rape, abuse

I’ve made it no secret I’ve been in therapy since 2012, and I’ve especially been vocal about my dislike for DC Comics’ latest event book, “Heroes in Crisis,” which just released its last issue on May 29th 2019.

I tried to write something the other night but I didn’t like how it sounded so I deleted it. After my session with my therapist earlier in the day, she convinced me to simply write down what I feel regardless. And so I did. I typed and typed. This is pretty long under the cut. I don’t know if I got carried away. I think I did.

I need to be clear I did NOT just try to commit suicide because of how much I hated a comic book. I’d like to believe even I’m not that pathetic. I tried to kill myself because of a number of reasons which sort of snowballed together this previous Friday.

Look this is angry and long and it sounds ridiculous but I just wanted to write and get my feelings out and I’m sorry okay? I’m, just, I’m sorry. For being pathetic and a disappointment to my friends and letting this bother me so much.

But I’m talking about “Heroes in Crisis” because this book has been negatively affecting me since it began publication, and the state that it left me in this past week only served to exacerbate the negative thoughts I had to endure, and I briefly reached a point where I had a knife to my wrist.

I’ve been attending therapy for the past seven years in order to address trauma and abuse I suffered through in my adolescence. In grade school I was bullied, and from 6th to 12th grade I was sexually abused on two separate occasions in two separate schools from four different people. In middle school I was assaulted by three boys who weren’t much older than me on the bus ride home, where they grabbed my head and shoved my face into their crotches as all the other kids laughed. In high school a classmate molested me twice during art class, and spent the rest of that time trying to make me apologize after I smacked him in self defense.

In 2009 my family dissolved when my parents unhappily split apart, which placed me as the unwilling recipient of my father’s, mother’s, and sibling’s emotional baggage while my own problems were ignored. During the loss of my support system I juggled two jobs along with graduating from college, I came out of the closet and have been struggling to figure out both my sexual and gender identities, I made my first suicide attempt in 2013, and my best friend died in 2016 along with four other people I cared about or who saw me as a friend.

Seeking therapy was something I had to do on my own. I tried counseling sessions with the people at my college but despite their best efforts it didn’t do much to help. I never received counseling in middle school for my sexual assault and my parents weren’t of much help either despite it was clear I developed some significant behavior problems. In 10th Grade I did spend some time with a guidance counselor because they feared I was suicidal due to my depression around my bad grades in Chemistry, but again this didn’t really help.

God I realize how analytical and detached this is sounding and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m just listing everything. Ugh.

Aside from my suicidal thoughts I suffer from depression and PTSD. I think I’m a genuinely bad person and I’ve often thought I brought the abuse I suffered as a kid onto myself because I was a weird boy. I’ve wondered if I have a right to feel ashamed of what happened to me because it wasn’t as bad as what other people have gone through. I frequently think of myself as a shameless, greedy, manipulative person who doesn’t deserve to be happy because I use people. I’ve truly said some awful things to people and I know I’ve been blocked by a couple of people online and not without good cause. You need to understand that. My own sibling once said I was a wicked, blackhearted person.

I have trouble not assuming the worst of my parents and sibling because of how often I would find myself stuck in the middle of their arguing, which got me labeled a martyr whenever I tried to play peacemaker which I only wanted because I hate seeing them unhappy. I assume the worst about situations and I’ve spent countless nights lying awake thinking over and over again about past mistakes and how much I wish I was dead, or that I had died instead of one of my friends because they made the world a better place and I don’t. It’s easy for me to believe the world would be a better place if I died.

Often my problems had been ignored by the people I turned to for help. Ignored, looked down upon, or just belittled. It became hard for me to talk to people because it felt like no one really cared about what I was going through or that I wanted help. Or they misunderstood and their attempts to help failed because they didn’t really know what was wrong.

Despite all this I want to believe therapy has helped me deal with problems better than I had before, and helped me to take pride in what I have accomplished. I graduated cum laude with no student debt, I’ve held onto at least one job for over a decade, and I’m currently writing for three websites that have let me change my perspective on things and given me space to grow as a writer. I believe I’m better able to recognize boundaries and to let my feelings be known, and to know when not to engage in stressful situations. I’ve been trying, TRYING, not to let me depression and negative thoughts affect me too badly.

It’s not easy, but it’s better than not doing anything at all.

So, where does “Heroes in Crisis” fit into this.

Well.

Through middle and high school, comics were pretty much the only thing that managed to keep me going without having a complete breakdown. Well I did have other interests and I still do. I could never survive on comic books alone.

I didn’t really have any friends I could rely on or talk to about my problems, not in real life or online. I got lucky in high school since there was a comic store one block away, which meant I was now able to regularly buy comics instead of the odd issue here or there. It was after I graduated high school I finally began to make some friends through online message boards and by meeting people at comic conventions. So comics didn’t just keep me going, they helped me find the people who HAVE been able to help me and see me as an individual worth knowing. My very first best friend in the whole world (NOT the one who died) is a professional comic artist I met through DeviantArt. “Stuck Rubber Baby” helped me realize and be honest about the fact I’m queer, and it was through commissioning comic artists I’ve felt more comfortable about exploring my sexuality.

As cheesy as it sounds the presence of comics in my life has indeed helped me a great deal, and I want to professionally write comics someday as a way to repay some of that back and try to make the world a better place.

I’ve always bought a little bit of everything but I’m mainly focused on DC Comics. My favorite teams are the Titans, the Legion of Super-Heroes, the Doom Patrol, and the Justice Society. Ask me my favorite Flash, I’ll pick Jay Garrick or Wally West. My favorite Green Lantern, I’d pick Alan Scott and Kyle Rayner.

Suffice it to say I really haven’t been happy with most of what DC’s published in the past ten years. I’ve been especially vocal about my dislike for books such as “Rise of Arsenal,” “Titans” by Eric Wallace, and pretty much everything Scott Lobdell’s worked on. Like a lot of people, I thought “DC Rebirth” back in 2016 was a step in the right direction, that they were finally cleaning the mess they made with the New 52 initiative.

“Heroes in Crisis” proved me and a lot of other people wrong.

But as a person struggling with depression and PTSD, this book offended me on a whole different level compared to anything those other books have done.

So you’ve got a place, Sanctuary, where heroes and villains can receive counseling for their respective problems and possibly get help. That sounds like a great idea. And then the first issue opens with the reveal every patient has been gruesomely murdered save for two who believe the other is guilty. And it gets worse from there.

FIRST: It turns out Sanctuary has no actual doctors or therapists. It relies instead on a computer programmed with the supposed best traits of Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman.

SECOND: The patients are put in virtual reality chambers where they relive their respective traumas over and over again as a way to confront them.

THIRD: There doesn’t seem to be any real security except for a couple of robots, and anyone can just walk in. Which means Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman haven’t been monitoring the place until AFTER the massacre.

What followed was than eight issues of a supposed mystery that wasn’t a mystery at all. Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman do almost nothing to figure who was responsible for this, while Lois Lane is given files of all the Sanctuary interviews which she PUBLISHES, leaking hundreds of secrets that were meant to be private even if she obscures the real names. The investigation falls to Booster Gold and Harley Quinn, who both believe the other is the killer.

It eventually turns out the killer was Wally West, who accidentally unleashed a burst of energy that killed those around him and in a fit of extreme suicidal despair violated the corpses to look like a mystery so he would have enough time to release the Sanctuary files and then kill himself believing it was the only way to make things right. He doesn’t die but turns himself in at the end.

I-I don’t have the energy to give a complete rundown, I really don’t. Suffice to say the book has problems. Racist problems, homophobic problems, and ableist problems. The series IS a problem.

Since the first issue was released I hated, I HATED, this comic with every fiber of my being. I hated the stilted writing and I hated the gross, overly sexualized artwork. I hated it was another event series built around cheap shock value deaths meant to drive up sales and garner controversy to make more sales. And I especially hated the premise, that this Sanctuary was supposed to be a place of healing but was anything BUT. The DC Trinity make no attempt to get real doctors to help them provide help for their comrades and friends, delegating everything to a computer that’s supposed to have their best qualities and assuming THAT is a decent substitute for qualified psychiatrists and therapists.

The very IDEA that Superman and Wonder Woman could be so arrogant and conceited to believe they could substitute for licensed medical professionals is appaling. Even Batman on his worst days would never be so inconsiderate.

And then there are the VR chambers, where the heroes relive their traumas over and over and over again until they can get over them. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. To experience such pain over and over again. The comic even demonstrated through characters Lagoon Boy and Wally West that going through their trauma again and again clearly wasn’t helping. Lagoon Boy relieved the Titans East massacre HUNDREDS of times. And this seems to be the only real option Sanctuary allows besides the confessionals.

This, this NEGLECT. Sanctuary isn’t a place for healing, it’s a dumping ground! These people are secluded and essentially kept in solitary confinement where they have almost no one but a computer to talk to. A computer that does absolutely nothing to help them.

I spoke to my own doctor about this and she agreed with me none of this was healthy and that the book itself was extremely damaging and poorly thought out.

And I have spoken to her about this a LOT over the last nine months, because with each issue that came out I felt myself getting more and more worn down. I would dread the last Wednesday of the month knowing the next issue would arrive. And let me tell you this wasn’t the only thing I was talking about in my sessions, but it figured a lot into my past discussions and my therapist respected that. I’m glad I have her in my life, she’s a consummate professional. 

I’m not talking about simple fan boy hate. This comic DRAINED me and struck more than a number of nerves. The apathy and insensitivity that went into crafting this book reminded me far too much of what I’ve gone through in life and not for the better.

For starters, the way Tom King portrays the problems the characters go through is nothing but a joke. We’re treated to multiple confessional sequences where different characters talk about their issues in a nine-panel grid layout featuring some of the most stilted dialog I’ve ever read. King shows absolutely no research or care in the characters he talks about, ignoring their backstories to make up nonsense and present it as deep when in reality he’s gutted them from the inside out.

The one that bothered me most was Roy Harper from the first issue, in a confessional sequence one page AFTER his corpse is found.

Tom King took nine issues to completely destroy and misunderstand Wally West’s character, even though he only needed one page for Roy Harper.

Of course Scott Lobdell spent eight years destroying the character, so King didn’t need to do much.

Roy and his daughter Lian have been two of my favorite DC characters for years. I’ve been able to relate to Roy’s issues a lot over the years. Not his past drug addiction, but his struggles with depression and abandonment issues and his fight to try and be a better person despite everything he’s gone through. He was raised in a Native American community and probably has a better understand of racism than most white people could dream of. He’s a devoted father who tries to be the best dad he can be for his daughter. But most importantly, he knows he can screw up and he knows he’s not perfect. He just wants to be good. He’s a complex and multifaceted person who is more than his trauma, and I’ve long admired that. I’ve wished I could stop beating myself up over my past mistakes and just focus on doing good instead of hating myself for not being perfect. As someone who never really had much support from my parents growing up and that feeling of being totally alone despite being surrounded by people, I empathized with the neglect he suffered form Green Arrow and the way he was essentially abandoned in “Rise of Arsenal” when he needed help the most.

But is any of that discussed in “Heroes in Crisis?”

No.

Roy’s abandonment and depression are ignored so Tom King can churn out some nonsense about abusing prescription meds given to him by doctors for his superhero injuries before he switched to heroin because it was cheaper and safer. Not because of his depression. He only started taking the meds because of his injuries and he got addicted, which I’ve seen a number of fans who suffer from chronic pain complain that this is ableist for presenting them as drug addicts.

God I hope I’m remembering that right, I’m sorry guys.

“So you go to a needle. To save your kidneys. And some money. But really, isn’t that what superheroes do? Save things?”

Objectively one of the worst things I have ever read in ANYTHING.

But it doesn’t stop there. Pretty much every character given a confessional more or less has the problems they truly did survive ignored for nonsense that never occurred or is completely out of character to the point it feels like these are SUPPOSED to be jokes. Firestorm talks about his head being on fire. Green Lantern Hal Jordan doesn’t know what “Will” is. Raven says her father, an inter dimensional monster who has tried to turn her evil over and over again and whom she hates, loves her. Minor character the Protector is revealed to be addicted to multiple drugs and was only an anti-drug crusader because he thought it was funny. That was just CRUEL.

I... I have spent so long being ashamed of a lot of the abuse I went through and it is still hard for me to talk about. Do you have any idea how disgusted I am with myself whenever I try to tell someone about what happened to me in high school? When I have to figure out a way to say that “He tried to stick his finger in my ass” and not think about how the people reading or hearing this must be laughing at me it’s so pathetic? Or when I think about the crying fit after my first day of high school begging my mom to take me out of this school and she tells me to suck it up?

And so this bothers me, because I frequently fear that my problems are just a joke. And I see the characters whom I resonate with have their problems degraded and treated as poorly thought out jokes.

Why were some of these characters even here in the first place? To deal with their problems? Even though some of them WERE ALREADY TRYING TO GET HELP. Roy in particular had his Titans teammate Lilith Clay as his substance abuse counselor, but none of that is mentioned in the lead-up to “Heroes in Crisis.” The help that Roy was already getting was ignored. His efforts at self improvement were ignored by those around him.

But it’s not as bad as the reason Wally West was in Sanctuary. In “Flash War” Wally regains memories of his twin children Jai and Iris and is told they’re not in the Speed Force but SOMEWHERE. And Wally tries to find them and can’t. So instead of Barry Allen getting the Justice League to help with the search, knowing the disappearance of these children are one example of how the universe has been damaged, Barry and Iris West allow Wally to be taken to Sanctuary to essentially get him to shut up about his missing kids. He is abandoned by the people he viewed as parents. And this is what leads to Wally’s breakdown. Despite knowing his children are out there somewhere, “Heroes in Crisis” tries to demonize Wally for wanting his family back and it’s used to make him into a suicidal mass murderer. Wally’s problems make him into a villain. He’s driven mad with grief when he hacks the Sanctuary computer thinking no one has gone through what he has, and is broken when he experiences all that trauma at once. All this because he wanted something that was perfectly rational for him to want.

Wally’s trauma is used to dehumanize him.

The dehumanization doesn’t stop there, especially in the case of Poison Ivy who is turned into a plot device for Harley Quinn’s sake.

Never forget this was a thing that Clay Mann drew and DC would’ve used before it got leaked.

This was supposed to be the cover for the seventh issue, Ivy’s bloody corpse done like a pin-up.

After being treated as Harley’s motivation for most of the series, Ivy’s revived but in such a way she’s lost most of her humanity. She gets turned into a rip off of Swamp Thing and her body is more plant than human, no longer having nipples or a vagina. She’s been murdered and brought back in a way that will let DC sexualize her as much as they want now that she’s not human anymore. But this is supposed to be treated as GOOD because she’s supposedly more powerful now and she’s alive. Like that doesn’t change the shameful way she was killed, and how she came to Sanctuary hoping to get help for the awful things that haunt her and it got her killed.

Ivy’s long been a very complex character herself and many people have looked at her as a strong, interesting, intelligent queer woman who ultimately only wants to save the Earth and be with the woman she loves. But she’s frequently the villain in her stories and often told she doesn’t understand what real love is. Instead of being recognized for the complex character and inspiration she is, Ivy also has her trauma used against her as an excuse for to be sent to die and LITERALLY be dehumanized. So what does that say to the women who resonate with her? The queer readers? What does that say?

The leaking of the Sanctuary files is also supposed to be seen as good. Wally claims he did it because he thought if people saw someone like him could make a mistake, they’d get help before he did something bad like him. That if they saw their heroes had problems, they’d get help too.

IT’S TRYING TO VALIDATE THIS VIOLATION OF PRIVACY AND HOW ALL THESE PROBLEMS ARE TURNED INTO A MEDIA SIDESHOW THANKS TO LOIS LANE AND SUPERMAN.

And Wally turns himself in he’s left to rot in jail, more alone than ever. Where’s the supposed help now?

But Booster Gold gets to hang with Blue Beetle and Harley’s with Ivy and it’s supposed to be about hope by showing no matter what mistakes you make it’s not too late and blah blah whatever that last issue was. It tries to pretend all this suffering and misery was worth it because now Wally really can represent hope by being an example!

Bros before heroes!

These people went to get help or were sent to get help, and instead they were ignored. They were killed. Their problems turned into jokes. They had their problems used against them after they died when all they wanted was to be better.

WANTING TO GET BETTER IS NOT A REASON WHY ANYONE SHOULD HAVE TO DIE. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT LIKE THIS.

One of the worst thing out of all this is knowing NONE OF THE CHARACTERS USUALLY ACT LIKE THIS. The reason why Wally accidentally killed everyone is because King makes up a retcon involving the Speed Force that was never, EVER mentioned in any Flash comic before. He makes up things on the fly to justify why any of the characters are there at all. Someone once said how, and I’m paraphrasing, “A story should be made to fit the characters, the characters shouldn’t be made to fit the story.” It’s been clear to a lot of people this book was blatant character assassination and Dan Didio’s latest attempt to finally get rid of Wally West because he hates him and all the other legacy characters so much. A story about PTSD that could’ve been meaningful and helped people got hijacked to destroy a character. To use their trauma as a tool to make them do something horrible. To exploit trauma for shock value and dehumanize not just the characters but the people who read these books and identified with the struggles and I

HATE IT!!!!!!! 

It hurts because so many people care about these characters, and Didio would use a story that could’ve been uplifting to carry out his petty hatred.

This has been it, month after month for me. I’d get mad, and I would try to take my mind off it. I’d write fan fiction and commission artwork making fun of “Heroes in Crisis,” I’d try to vent on the internet and explain why I hate this comic. I’d connect with friends and other fans who’re equally unhappy, and I’d just feel myself getting worse and worse. I’ve had trouble sleeping thinking about this comic, stress dreams and laying awake at night before I’d start to think about how I’m a bad person too and wishing over and over again to die and end everything. To stop being a blight on the world and give it to someone who deserves to live. More importantly, that crushing sense of not being able to do anything to make this better. This powerlessness to try and change things for the better. Wishing I could do something to make it better and thinking about all the other ways I’ve failed in life. The loved ones and friends who died and I couldn’t help them. The unhappiness in my family. The state of the world. And then I’d think about how much I hate myself even more because there are more important things to worry about in the world, like what that rapist monster in the White House is doing to this country and to anyone who’s not a straight white man.

The week the final issue came out I knew right off it was going to be a train wreck and I was right. A disappointing ending to a disappointing story. More feelings of anxiety and self loathing and a feeling that my problems are nothing but a joke to mocked and exploited.

While all this was going on I had other things to worry about. In March my grandfather was hospitalized with a number of health problems due to a urinary tract infection. He spent a week gradually becoming confused and losing energy before he was taken to the emergency room when he said he was having trouble breathing. It turned out he also had a cyst, a clot, and bleeding in his brain. As me, my mom and sibling worried about his health we also had to worry about our house because my grandfather pays most of the rent and if his pension had to go towards a nursing home, we would have to move. So while worrying about my 92 year old grandfather’s health I also had to worry about possibly losing my house. And while he was recovering at the rehab hospital he had to go back to the ER again on Easter when we were told he fell during the night. He’s in another nursing home and he’s doing better thankfully, but he’s also the last grandparent I have and I’m not ready to lose him when he’s held onto his mind for so long.

So what exactly happened when the ninth issue came out that pushed me?

This past Thursday while I was at work, I get a call from my mother saying she thinks someone might be in our house because she went downstairs into my grandpa’s apartment and all the doors were open. I don’t know why she didn’t call the police or what she thought I could do since I wasn’t even in the Bronx. *Sigh* I tried to get my dad to come pick me up sooner so I could check out what was wrong and I was trying not to panic even when my mom texts me saying she’s okay but she locked her bedroom door and she’s got a blunt object. Then she says maybe it was nothing after all...

And then I get home and I see the garage door is wide open and it’s a disaster, as if someone trashed the place. I can’t get my dad out of the car and he just says “Call the police” as if he doesn’t care. I run into the house and begin checking the rooms in my grandpa’s apartment before grabbing a kitchen knife and going back to the garage. I then tell my mom what’s happened to the garage and it’s like I’m invisible. I can’t even get her outside to look and she’s more concerned about getting her dinner from around the corner. She tells me “It’s not like no one’s gotten in the garage before.”

AFTER SHE GETS ME WORKED UP THINKING SOMEONE WAS IN OUR HOUSE. AND I COME HOME AND THEY MIGHT’VE TRASHED THE GARAGE.

I literally can’t understand what was going through her head when she gave me this runaround. And I call her on it the next day, telling her how scared she got me and how it felt when she acted like I was making a big deal of nothing. I was frightened she could’ve been alone in the house with an intruder, because obviously she felt the same way if she wanted to lock herself in her bedroom. She STILL acted like it was no big deal and it’s like 2010 all over again and I’m being expected to drop everything to help her and she won’t give me any courtesy or empathy.

And then not even an hour later that Friday I get an email from my boss about a secret shopper thing and I rush to get my phone seeing he’s tried to call me. And he’s saying he’s mad at me because of something I did on Tuesday that might get our distribution license suspended or taken away completely. I’m thinking this is because of me. Because I screwed up. And I’ve had this job since I graduated high school and I might’ve ruined it completely.

And that mixed with how it’s like my mother has played fucking mindgames with me and all the other feelings and the general anger and hopelessness and thinking over and over it’s not going to get better I picked up that knife again and held it to my wrist while my boss was still on the phone.

I had it pressed against my skin and wanted to dig it in deeper.

I kept thinking “I CAN’T DO THIS I CAN’T DO THIS” seeing everything all at once, over and over again and...

I-I don’t know. Maybe just a part of me that said not to do it or something. Maybe because despite all my talk of wanted to die I don’t.

I don’t want to die.

So I put the knife down before I cut myself.

I went to work at my second job and I scheduled an emergency session with my therapist, and I tried to write.

So it’s Monday morning and I’m typing this and wondering now, if anyone actually reads this what kind of shit will I expect if people actually bother to read it.

I’m a loser who needs to get a life

I read the story wrong

I didn’t understand the story

I need to get laid

I’m just mad my favorite character died

I hate it because Tom King’s a good writer

I’m a contrarian who hates it because it’s popular

I don’t know what I’m talking about

I’m a whiny f****t

I’m conceited enough to think Tom King may ever actually read this and have him say “I’m sorry you reacted this way”

This isn’t the story King wanted to tell and he had good intentions

OH SCREW YOUR FUCKING “GOOD INTENTIONS”

My teachers had “Good intentions”

My parents had “Good intentions”

AND I AM STILL FUCKING PAYING FOR IT

I am so sick of hearing about “Good intentions.” Just because a person had good intentions doesn’t absolve them of messing up! King apparently handed in a basic outline and let editorial pick the characters. If King had good intentions, he would’ve bothered to do research on the characters instead of turning them into jokes. If he had good intentions he would’ve done a better job of showing how therapy actually CAN help people. He wouldn’t have given us a story all about death and suffering and say it’s about hope. If he had good intentions he wouldn’t have let Didio use this to get rid of Wally West.

You want to talk about people with ACTUAL good intentions? How about we talk about the people out there who’ve written about abuse and trauma and suicidal thoughts and how to address those things in ways that MATTER. In ways that don’t alienate people and can grant a better understanding of ways to act.

In ways that say “I see you. I understand you and know what you’ve gone through. You’re stronger than you think.”

Let’s talk about Jeremy Whitley writing “The Unstoppable Wasp” where Nadia Pym has a manic episode and attacks her friends, and has to be talked down from killing herself by her friend Priya because her own brother committed suicide.

Let’s talk about how Priya describes the world Nadia would create if she killed herself and convinces her she deserves to live because she makes everyone happy and she is a good person no matter what she is thinking right now.

Let’s talk about Magdalene Visaggio’s “Eternity Girl” where Caroline Sharp is a suicidal immortal superhero who wants to destroy reality because she thinks it’s the only way she can die, and her girlfriend Dani convinces her that she can build a new world for herself instead of destroying this one because Caroline’s stronger than her misery and has the power to choose what she wants.

Let’s talk about Chris Claremont’s disgust at how Carol Danvers had been brainwashed and raped and sent off to live with her rapist while her friends did nothing to help her and thought this was a HAPPY ENDING

Let’s talk about how he had Carol dress down the Avengers for the shameless way they treated her and abandoned her when she needed them

Let’s talk about Jim Salicrup and Louise Simonson working on the “Spider-Man and Power Pack” special which showed the right ways to address child abuse.

How Salicrup was able to make Spider-Man into a sexual abuse survivor without it being a joke and how his story helped a little boy tell his parents what happened to him. And how this helped Spider-Man accept what happened to him was not his fault.

How Simonson wrote about the Power Pack supporting a friend being sexually abused by her father and how they convince her she did nothing to deserve this.

Let’s talk about Rachel Pollack’s Doom Patrol run which showed that trauma is not the end of someone’s existence and that people can be happy despite what’s happened to them

Let’s talk about George and Marion who despite the trauma of having lost their bodies and being used as slaves they still choose to smile and enjoy life and love each other

Let’s talk about Kate Godwin, a transgender woman who changed her body to match the person she was inside despite what people said about her and treated her, and found a community that supported her and loved her and is a strong, good woman with the power and the empathy to help others

A woman who was outraged when a person tried to make her believe she’d been gang raped and needed trauma to make her life more meaningful.

SO TALK ABOUT ALL OF THEM AND TELL ME ABOUT KING’S “GOOD INTENTIONS”

NO ONE NEEDS TRAUMA IN THEIR LIFE TO MAKE IT MEANINGFUL. FINDING HAPPINESS AFTER YOU’VE SURVIVED SOMETHING HORRIBLE DOESN’T MAKE THAT SOMETHING HORRIBLE JUSTIFIED.

You can’t look at stories like “Heroes in Crisis” and say “Oh it’s okay because in the end it was worth it because it taught us something” and NO. IT IS NOT OKAY. HAVING YOUR PROBLEMS LAUGHED AT AND MOCKED AND DEGRADED AND TRIVIALIZED IS NEVER OKAY. NOT FROM THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT. NOT TOTAL STRANGERS. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DO THAT.

So yeah, maybe I am fucking pathetic for ranting about this and I should get a life and talk about more important things but I don’t fucking care! I’m angry about this and I’m gonna be angry for a long time! I’m angry about this story and I’m angry about how it affected me and the people I care about and people I don’t know and I will always be angry with myself that I tried to kill myself because of how this book made me feel and affected what I was going through.

Because stories are important to our lives. They can help us get through every day and they can make our problems not seem so bad. They can give us the strength to look at the bad parts of our life and think maybe they can change. That WE can change. We read about these people and we connect with them. We see things in them we wish to be like or things that are already in us and it can make us feel like we aren’t alone.

And even when stories aren’t enough they can help us find the people who can tell us these things. To help us find people who would care about us, and to care about them so maybe WE can help them. They’re a gateway.

So no, it’s not just a fucking comic book. And no, I don’t care what the intentions were. And I don’t care how pathetic this all sounds.

This, this was a bad story. This was a harmful story. And people deserve better. We don’t deserve to keep living in an age where stories like this, that can make us feel like we’re nothing, keep happening. We deserve stories that show us our lives are not defined by our trauma, we are NOT jokes, we are strong, and we deserve to live. That is not what “Heroes in Crisis” was and you will never convince me otherwise.

I had problems long before this story came out. I do not blame it for things that happened to me before. I do not blame it for my assault and abuse. I blame it for making me feel more like I don’t deserve to live and that what I’ve gone through doesn’t matter. I blame it for making me feel like my hard work and attempts to make my life better are meaningless.

This is not okay.

You wanna fucking blast me for this, go right ahead.

[draculaspetbee]

Hello Amazing Followers!

Ok this is my second try at writing this (I tried to edit the tags and deleted the whole thing lol!) So, first, I want to put it out here that no one has asked me to do this. But I have recently gotten a lot of new followers to this blog, and I feel that I need to explain myself a bit. I want to explain why I sometimes need a pick-me-up, why I ask for people to send me nice things. Just so you know I am going to be going into a lot of personal detail, not everything I’ve ever went through but a lot, and I will be discussing depression, anxiety, PTSD, child abuse, panic attacks, threatening of animals and someone threatening suicide. Please take this as a trigger warning right from the top here. Also, if I miss any triggers please let me know, I am ALWAYS willing to add the tag and edit the post. If you want to ask me at all about any of what is here feel free to message me.

So, about four/five years ago I managed to break away from my first abuser. His name is Todd (I have a #toddtag on here for him even) and he is my biological father. He was extremely emotionally abusive to me and my family (my brother and mother). He used to make fun of me constantly, call me fat, tell me how much of a loser I was (I was in high school, in jazz band, marching band, honors society, scholar bowl, I worked two jobs, I was on the softball team, generally I did not want to be at home). He used to scream and yell at us if we did things he didn’t like, like cooking food the wrong way or washing the dishes in the dish washer instead of by hand. He would get worse when it came time to mow the lawn, to the point I would hid underneath the window so that he wouldn’t be able to see me if he looked into the house. He would make us sit at the table while he yelled at us for the wrong-doings we had done, like not fold his clothes. If we didn’t like the food we would sit at the table while he yelled at us until we ate it, to the point that my brother once threw up because of it. He made us eat whole cloves once when he made ham. To this day I still get nauseous if I hear a lawn mower or smell/taste cloves. When I was 13 he told me that I should dress more provocatively if I wanted to get a boyfriend. When I was gifted a dog when I was 13 he let me keep her until he got upset one day, and while I was at work he tried to give her away. He once took my mother’s dog outside to kill her because she had taken chicken from my brother. (BOTH DOGS MADE IT OUT WITH US OK, WE WERE ABLE TO SAVE THE DOGS) When he would leave for the night (he worked night shifts) he would make us stand in a line and hug him goodbye. He would make us hug him, even if he had been yelling at us seconds before. He would glare at us, until we would hug him and then he’d kiss our cheeks and leave without a word.

When I was younger we used to joke that he was a werewolf because he always used to get meaner after 30 days had passed. It wasn’t until later that I learned that it was the cycle of abuse that was playing out.

I grew up with this for 20 years. We left on Mother’s Day four years ago. He ranted and screamed. He told my brother (18 at the time) that it was his fault the family was falling apart. He told us he knew what God felt like being crucified on the cross. I thought he was going to kill us. That night we slept in my full size bed, me, my brother, my mother, and our two dogs. We slept facing the door because we didn’t know what he was going to do. He had access to weapons, I thought I was going to die. When we did left he harassed us constantly. He called, texted, Facebook messaged us. He had friends call and show up at the safe house we were at to tell us that he was going to kill himself and that it was my brother’s and I’s fault if he did. The first birthdays my brother and I had after we left he texted me on my brothers birthday. That’s right, 21 years and he still didn’t know my birth date.

When I was 20, months before this happened, I went to a therapist. I knew that I was depressed, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t been rehired for my summer job. My therapist told me that I was quote: “Reacting like a battered woman” (I was still identifying as a woman) and that I was in fact, being abused. This was such a shock for me, I assumed it was normal to grow up that way. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD from the things I grew up dealing with.

The first year we left I was home alone on Christmas Day. Todd showed up and tried to get into the house. I managed to close and lock the doors before he could, and called my aunt. I hid in the hallway, away from all the doors and windows, and had a panic attack. My aunt finally showed up and he was gone. Ever since then I’ve been really nervous during this time of year.

Now this part is harder for me to type out. I love my mom. She was supposed to be the one parent I had that cared for me. The one that loved me unconditionally. The adult that would never hurt me. I love my mom. But I am finding now that what I thought of her is not true. She often backed up Todd in the things he did. She has called me fat for all of my life. She supported him when he took me outside once and had me hold a bag of 50 lb dog food and tell me that I needed to lose that weight (I was 14). She has had me on a diet since I was 12. Last summer she told me I was too fat to fit on an airplane. This is patently untrue. She has made fun of my panic attacks, even the ones she saw and heard over the phone. Recently she has begun to try to control my finances. She still will keep me from eating food, only allowing me one meal a day, trying to make me lose weight. I’m 25.

Two years ago around this time (near my birthday, which is January 17th if you’re interested in that in a post like this) I came out to her as non-binary. She cried for hours. She told me that God wouldn’t have made me that way. She asked if I was going to cut off my chest. She told me that she couldn’t “lose her baby girl”. After she was done crying she made me promise her I had been lying to her about it. I’m still living with her.

This year I’m graduating. I’m going to graduate under my preferred name, the one I’ve been secretly going by without her knowing. I’m going to be publishing my thesis under that name as well. I’m going to have to come out to her in under a month. In 25 days to be exact. Three days after my birthday. She’s going to react in two possible ways. She will either refuse to call me by my name or pronouns (if this happens I don’t want to have to live here anymore) or she will kick me out. Either way I will no longer be living in the house that I have called my safe space since leaving Todd. 

Now at this point you’re probably asking “Denver, why are you spilling your guts on tumblr? Well, first, I do know I can be a lot to handle. I can be awkward, and a bit weird. But I also know that here I can be myself. Second, I usually would call my friend, but she’s with her family now and they’re similar to mine, and she can’t call while she’s with them. And she’s like 90% of my impulse control.

Third, and most importantly, I want people who are out there to know that it’s going to be ok. If I can get out of Todd’s house then I can do anything, and so can you. It’s not going to be easy. My brain still will tell me it’s my fault, and that I deserved the abuse. But you have to know that it’s going to get better. It’s tough. Planning and packing for a move that my family doesn’t even know about has got to be the toughest thing I’ve ever done. But I’m tired of living for other people. I can and will be myself. I cannot live for anyone else. I will be me. If anyone else is experiencing this, I’m here. I see you. If you need to talk, message me. It’s going to be ok.

[leesungjongg]

ok i literally dont know how to start this and it’s going to be a mess but idc, i want to say it (and i’ll probably regret it in the far future but w/e). sorry to mobile users. i dont normally make posts like this so this is kind of rare but

sometimes when i have like 50 text messages unread on my phone, i get really, really overwhelmed and i don’t want to talk to anyone. like some days im just like get away from me, don’t touch me, don’t even LOOK at me bc i don’t want to interact with anyone in the world (and this sounds really really mean and not like how i respond to people irl - or even over text anyway - at all)

but that only happens sometimes. (maybe more over the summer tbh.)

most of the time, idk man but i love getting attention from people, because it makes me feel less invisible you know? like oh shit i actually exist and people actually know me and like me and actually want to talk to me. like half the time i’m in my own world, the other half im legit working on homework or some kind of assignment that requires my atttention. 

like today, or like lately, idek why, i’ve been feeling a little down (since like last thursday i think but like lowkey sad, nothing too serious - i think it’s because of stress maybe but also who knows. i’m gonna go talk to my counselor next week so hopefully everything - idek what ‘everything’ even is- clears up by then) and like deadass i see my friends and everytime they come say hi to me or start up a conversation for a short while, my mood instantly boosts up to “i am so happy” and it makes me feel so so nice. i literally don’t know why, but i love seeing them and i love it more when they see me and decide to come by and say hi. 

and this isn’t even limited to people i know irl, like even when someone on here comes and sends me a message, i get really excited just to see what it is (i still get a little overwhelmed because i literally don’t know how long the messages are going to be or how short they’ll be and then im like ugh let’s just look at it and then im like omg this is awesome, i should respond before i forget) 

it’s just like these little things that let me know that ok yes, there are people out there who actually care about me and enjoy talking with me or to me. on one hand, i consider this kind of sad and lowkey pathetic, but on the other, im like ok this obviously means you love and cherish your friends and adore spending time with them, and also, it means you’re human and affection is normal, so how is this a bad thing?

but it’s just something that’s been on my mind recently. i think it’s also because it’s my last year of college and im honestly truly dreading the moment i graduate, or even worse yet, when my friends graduate this December, and im really worried/sad that i won’t be able to see them ever again, and that’s like terrifying. and i hate thinking that all of this is going to end. like as if my happiness has a deadline and it’s the day i graduate and then everything will go to hell and i’ll live the rest of my life being miserable. which ISN’T true, like obviously life has its ups and downs but im thinking back to high school and how i thought everything was okay, but by the time i entered senior year, i hated everyone and i was so so tired. like extremely sick of my classmates and everything and i wanted it all to be over and i was dreading college because i was worried it would be high school but ten times WORSE. except it’s been the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and now it’s my last year of college, and i don’t want to leave because i’m scared that once i do leave, no one will contact me ever again and i’ll never see my friends again and i’ll be lonely. and i hate thinking that so so much. because i know everything will be okay eventually, but i don’t want this feeling to end. i love being surrounded by my friends, by people i see in the halls every day and i don’t ever want to leave and it’s a big problem. and i probably really should talk to my counselor about this because i’ve had this worry/stress since last semester (and we worked on that) but now it’s become even bigger and i feel like i’m being strangled. or drowning. either way, it doesn’t feel good. 

i love my friends so so much and i don’t want them to leave and im so frustrated because i get attached so easily and then once my friends leave, i make no effort to reach out to them or hang out with them so it’s like?? what the fuck. idk what im saying anymore. it’s 11:30pm and i told myself that i’d go to bed early tonight but instead im like typing this and i sigh. idek. i just don’t want college to end, because im worried that means i’ll never see my friends again. which isn’t true. i can always hang out with them. but i’ve never done that outside of school. ok that’s a lie, but UGHHHH idek what im sayinggggggg!! this has been a full on rant, but my fave person who created the peer advisory team im on right now told me that vulnerability is okay. so. here i am being vulnerable. 

[kieranisapratt]

Hello Tumblr My Old Friend

Wow, we’re coming up to a year and a half since I last posted a rant late at night. I remember when I would do this daily and post twice if I missed a day. It was like a little bit of a diary, heh. Anyway, off topic.

For those of you who are new to this, I have trouble expressing myself so I post on a social media page in the hopes that people will see it without me having to actually tell them. As I mentioned, I used to do this daily (for the love of god don’t go searching, I beg you) and it helped, so in times of confusion, I tend to try again.

So updates since last time:

School life: non-existent. I am officially an adult, It’s all about the school of life now. Oh fuck,

Home life: things between my family and I are fine. I don’t see them as much as I should because I have girlfriend and a flat, but I think that everything is OK. The issue I’m having with them currently is that they’re all too fucking stubborn. My parents and grandparents live next to each other (to clarify just the grandad on my mum’s side). My parents and sister tend to make the effort and are always doing stuff for my grandad and his partner and from the sounds of things it’s not really reciprocated. My mum also doesn’t think she’s a priority for my grandad. Both of these combined mean they’re not making the effort with my grandad. My grandad being of that age is a stubborn arse and thinks that my mum is too busy for him so isn’t making the effort. THEY LIVE NEXT DOOR AND NEITHER OF THEM ARE MAKING THE EFFORT. I haven’t had a chance to speak to my grandad, but I have told my parents/sister to stop being so stubborn because live is too bloody short. I understand being frustrated, but just talk to each other and air the god-damn grievances. It’s not that hard. I’ve said this a lot to my family, but god help my kids if I ever have any, they gonna be stubborn as shit. Having thought about it, I’m concerned about my sister. She doesn’t have much of a social life, and tends to spend a lot of time with my parents. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but I think it would do her a world of good getting out with people nearer her own age. But I’m working on it, so cross your fingers.

Work life: well, this is an interesting one.The last time I posted one of these, I was just about to start heading into the world of Tesco. How did that go you (probably don’t) ask? I lasted 1 month before being offered a full time proper adult job in an office; meaning I have to wear a shirt and dress smart and everything. Since I have started this job, I have learnt the role, been almost made redundant because the department got moved to India, got promised a new role in a different department, got kept in my old role for longer because there wasn’t a position for me, instead got promoted to a specialist in the role, visited India (more on that later), and am now helping implement a new system into the business. All within the space of a year and a half. So quite a good CV is being built. I don’t think this is what I want to do long term. As I think I’ve said since I first posted one of these, I have no plans in life. Even a degree and a year and a half in an adult job later, I don’t know if this is right for me or what I want to do; but I guess we just have to wait and see what happens. I’ve almost quit my job twice in the last two years because I don’t agree with how things are going there, but something always crops up just at the wrong moment (or right depending on how you look at it). Work wise, I feel the need to figure out what I want to do and I know not everyone has it figured out at 23, but it would be nice. I just don’t like waking up every day not being excited about what the work day brings, y’know?

Social life: this is the same update as last time, to be honest. I have been getting better at messaging people and maintaining that contact. I think I’m now messaging all the people I want to message and want to keep in contact with. Actually, correction. Nearly everyone; but the people I’m not messaging I have reasons. One person I thought I would still be friends with at this point, I’m not friends with. There was a whole lot of drama, and if you want the details I’ll let you know, but it’s history as far as I’m concerned. I knew we’d drifted, but I thought I was civil and I thought things were OK between us, but I found out in a roundabout way they had blocked me on one form of social media. I don’t know why, I have apologised for whatever I did. I thought I’d let it go, but I’m not sure I have. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to them and it really sucks that they did that and they don’t want me in their life anymore. I respect their decision, I’ll have a moan about it to my girlfriend and friends, but I mean them no ill will and I wish them all the best. The only other person I kind of want to get in contact with still is an ex-crush (ugh... crush). That’s been a while since we spoke and things didn’t really end amazingly, in my opinion, like not badly but not well enough I feel comfortable messaging them out of the blue after 3 years. Anyway, other than that, I’m happy with my social life, I double date, I’ve been making effort and I’m just really proud of myself. Don’t get me wrong, I still suck so badly at being sociable in person most times, but I’m getting so much better and I’m really proud of myself because of that. 

Quidditch life: this is getting it’s own segment, although I think I always give it it’s own segment in a roundabout way. Anywho, the last time we spoke, I was Vice-Captain and Coach. I have been promoted to Coach and General Busy Body. I love the team so much. We have become a community team this year, so we are no longer connected to the university. So that’s a big scary thing that I’m proud to have helped set in motion. And I’m really proud of the team and I love everyone on the team and ah, another just good thing I need to focus on. However, I think I’m currently focused on the fact we haven’t gained any new concrete members this year, so we’ve been running on about 6 per practice. And that sucks. I wish we could have gained more people so I could stick a giant middle finger in the faces of people who shit on us. But alas. Also, a lot of this year has been me basically holding things together (as much as I loathe to admit it). And I think that may have tainted things a bit for me. I have started thinking along the lines of “we should call it a day and just hang out as friends” and I can’t get out of that mindset. Which is why I’m not running for any positions on the team this year, despite my girlfriend wanting me to be captain because she thinks I deserve it or my closest friend on the team thinking I should be president because “who else is going to hold things together when they’re gone?”. If the team survives into next year, I’ll still go along because I love it so much, but I think I’m coming to the end of the run. We’ll see. 

Love life: I think this is the one I’m most nervous about writing because this is the bit that when I type it, things become real. And that scares me. My girlfriend is amazing and the literal best and I do not make the rules, this is just fact. I went to her graduation this last year, and that made me such a proud boyfriend because she got a first and she’s a boss ass bitch. She is so strong and intelligent and has gone through so much stuff and has definitely made me a better person. (Here’s the bit that scares be to write) But, is she right for me? I’ve said this to her before and I always worry about this. Even when I wasn’t with anyone I would worry about being good enough for someone, if they were THE someone, y’know. Friends and old friends and people I know are getting married, mortgages, babies etc. I don’t know if that’s what I want. If that’s what I’m ready for. If my girlfriend is the one I want to do all this with. I don’t know, and it sucks because the last week or so this has become really prominent and I know I shouldn’t be feeling this, but I don’t know what to do. I do love her, I know that. She makes me happy. But there’s always a but or a what if. And I shouldn’t be thinking that. In my head, I think that if I’m thinking this, then that’s bad. I don’t like ambiguous things, I can’t get my head around them. And I think that’s the problem, She’s an amazing person and I really want her in my life, but do I love her? What is love? Can you quantify it? That’s the issue I’ve always had, and I’m so scared of that. Because I think I might self sabotage things if I keep down this path and I don’t want that. It’s all big and scary and I need to get this out of my head. I know I can’t avoid it forever, but I’m just going to have to for now. I can’t let this keep weighing on me. Kieran, you love her and that’s all that matters. ... Right?

AOB: moving away from the heavy stuff. Firstly, India. Fuck me that has been an experience. I am so lucky to have done that. I got to meet some amazing people, I travelled in business class and (as I have said to multiple people) I will never be able to travel with the common class again. They treat you so well. Both the flight attendants in business class and the people I became friends with in India. I got to see the Taj Mahal, and fucking hell that is one of the most incredible things I have ever seen. I’ve tried food that I never thought I would. I’ve ridden a fucking camel. I did so much and it was incredible in so many ways. Words do not do it justice. I mean, I had to work while I was out there because you know it was a business trip to help train the guys that stole our jobs, but let’s ignore that. I’ve been on my first holiday with a partner’s family. I have been to one or two or a dozen gigs. I don’t remember. I’ve walked alpacas this year. I have forgotten about my love of reading and music and I need to get back into those. I have been watching god knows how much crappy TV. I have lost a bit of passion for films, but that’s probably the adult in me being like “don’t waste money”. Fuck him. I’ve got my first solo (with girlfriend) holiday planned and that’s hella exciting (ignoring all the above). 

PLEASE NOTE: these are the thoughts of a tired and rambling Kieran, they do not necessarily reflect the views of not tired and rambling Kieran.

And I think that’s it. 2 hours later, and a year and a half of updates later, I’m signing off. If you have any questions, you know what to do. Might speak soon. Might not. Who knows? G’night all. Sleep well. xo 

[4sterizel]

Summing up 2016

Seriously before I start, tumblr please step up your game. You are a blog and you don't allow people to post text with multiple photos in between? While I was looking at my photos to recall 2016, I realise I didn't blog about 2015 either :( there goes the memories. January 2016. January was a really special month to me. Those who know me would know that it's not only my birthday, but also where my golden retriever, Iris, came into my life. January was also the start of my year 3 life which is also my Alvl year. I guess I started 2016 with full of hopes, with happiness and everything. I wasn't dating anyone at that time and I was enjoying the freedom from 2015 Nov-Dec whereby I ended my h1 Alvl. I really wanna blog about 2015 because I was such a great and happy year for me. The 18 years old zel was so carefree and so driven. I think I side tracked, so lets go back to my january 2016. It was the first time I went to a bar with my clique as well. The bar played chinese songs which I greatly enjoyed. January I celebrated my 19th birthday. My clasmate and clique gave me a birthday surprise. I was never the type who liked to eat cakes but those who know me will know I love Ikea cake. Surprisingly, the cake that strawberries gotten for me was a blueberry yoghurt cake which I still remember up to today. Whereas for my clique, they obviously bought my favourite ikea cake (knowing how much I love it even though its not supposed to be a birthday cake + ikea is pretty inconvienient honestly and getting the cake seems difficult) They got me a lens and free kbbq for that night. A simple yet happy celebration that I'll keep it close to my heart forever. At that time, me and J tension was still pretty high. But I'm so glad that he bought me tokyo banana. He was unhappy with the fact that I hid a lot of things from him... and as a friend, I wanted to explain but i coudln't bring myself to do so.. It was also when he was elected for house master. Immensely proud friend over here. And I got iris, which came to my house one day after my birthday. 30th January. January, was a month full of laughter. February 2016. February zoomed past, like the wind. I can honestly say I barely remember anything for. I guess it was a month where I tried to juggle school and everything. It was also new year which I celebrated with my clique yearly. I think I was pretty carefree, I didn't had any guy at that point in time. I was also shocked at one point in time whereby I no longer have things to share. I think I was pretty proud because I seemed focus. I was also handling my CCA, NMC. Which I held the secretary position and took up several leadership role for events. February was a bundle of joy. Trust me, it gets worst. March 2016 March was a month of break through. I got my alevel h1 results which I cried because I got a B for my maths which I worked so hard for. I was quite determined to get the A seeing that 18 yearsold zel. But nevertheless, I got an A for project work. I got ABB in the end for my h1 cert. March was the month where I got together with ys, a friend of mine that I knew since 2013. But it somewhat all ended in a blur because of our conflicting personality. I also waited for the arrival of march holidays which I enjoyed much with strawberries as well as my clique. April 2016 I guess april is where things starts getting busy. I can barely remember what happened. (I'll post photos later) just to flash a little of the memories. May 2016. May was the month I spent with books, almost all the time. To look back, I really spent a lot of time with Jena. HAHA. Thanks for being a big part of my year3 life girl :) June 2016 June holidays I barely spent my time outside of the house, till the extent whereby I feel like I'm isolated from the world LOL. But it was the month I prepared for prelim 1 and also for my alvls. My history notes was thick as fuck and I tell you that's probably the proudest thing I've done in my life. July 2016 July, was the highlight of the year to me. It is. You can call it worst, the best, the most life changing one that have changed who I am today. July was the month I met C. Someone whom I adore a lot.. :) It was also the first time I went to club. Before I met C at the end of the month, I liked someone a lot. Y'all who know me will know he is double L, who is still a special person to me right now. :D He have been nothing but nice to me and he is one of the greatest greatest person I've known. He cares for me and tolerates my nonsense. (But i'll update a little more in the later part hehe) July was also the month whereby I broke down because I don't know what the fuck I was doing in school. I was lost, I was unmotivated.. I somehow just lost every single momentum I had. I broke down so hard, and I found comfort in the arms of my MI girls. August 2016 July and august was the month that really started my life changing experience. india lima yankee too good to be true http://iridizousa.tumblr.com/post/154038604050/the-relationship-that-never-started-c You can click here to read more about me and C. I would say, i had high hopes about me and C. only to discover many things that involves many complications, many things that can't be solved. The stubborn me wouldn't have let go of you. Up till today, we are still having this really complicated relationship. I don't know man. I wouldn't want to give up on you. Yet, August wasw a month I had so much tears. I lost my focus. I changed. I also finally understood how my clique wanted to shield me from all sorts of this bullshit. Thank you guys. September 2016 September was a month that I got closer with my team, #stayinthetrees. They are the group of boys that have accepted me for who I am despite my bad skills hehe. The ones I spent study session with. They were the ones I spent my heart 2 heart talk with, my night study with. My dota sessions with. They listened to me rant, made me felt better even though september was a tough month as we were preparing for prelim 2. I still had to juggle with my bad relationship with C. It was also a great month for me because Max was always by my side protecting me. I clubbed quite a lot, drank quite a lot. I enjoyed the supper dates with max derrick yj they all. It was a month I realize, many people loved me for who I am. I am immensely grateful that you guys lend me a hand. You would have no idea how painful it was but I survived, thanks to you guys. I ran a high fever that night and it was a night I would never forget. I was running high fever and I kept checking my phone to know whether you replied. You ignored my message for 3 days... and I was burning at 39.5degrees. I even thought my phone spoilt. How silly isn't it. I also got closer to Zenn which I really enjoy being with!!! September was also the month me and my bestfriend always seems to have the time for each other.. October 2016 October was the month I painted my room hehe. It was my last month in MI officially. It was my graduation tea, it was the month I met sylv and he brought me to the zoo. It was a happy month despite the pain I was feeling. It was mugging session, missing you, making gift for you, sewing a cat and always having you at the back of my head.. November 2016 It was the start of my alvls. I remember I argued with you one day before my GP paper. Well done c. Your words still echo hard in my head but god knows why I am still here with you. November was also the month we broke up. It was the month I spent everyday studying for my alvls. Nothing much but just stress and pain. December 2016 And lastly, december... I would say december was the happiest since I ended alvl. I went to altimate for the first time, cried my tears out like alcohol LOL. Spent more time with my clique and I met A all over again. Dated him for a week and things ended before he went into ocs. Mistaking salt for sugar again huh zel? You can read more about me and A in my Summing up 2014 post. I also went to national museum for the first time with my Acup girls! Experienced the shitty dota2 7.00 update HAHA I guess the greatest highlight for december was meeting T,M,J. I had the happiest countdown where I felt like I was out of the world... Dec was also the month where im back into your arms C. And it was where double L finally told me that he's actually jealous. :P - I must have missed a lot of stuffs and also seems boring without photos. But guess what I'm heading out to see doctor because I'm running a fever. And C was telling me that he would take care of me and spend the day with me. Silly boy. I'll edit again when I have time! hehe