#I’ve never experienced serious depression before. at least not since middle school.

[jankwritten]

.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #461

“this city looks so pretty, do you wanna burn it with me?”

Have you ever wanted a Nikon camera? Or do you have one already? My camera before the one I have now was a Nikon D3200. I use a Canon now. Who was the last person (if anyone) you said Happy Birthday to? A friend. Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it? I have it, but I barely use it nowadays. I use it to edit photos for character profiles or profile pictures, add a watermark for my actual photography, and I used to make Mark-oriented gifs like crazy. They mostly did really well, so... I might wanna get back into that and get That Sweet Validation. Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? No. Have any of your exes gotten married or had kids since your breakup? None, I think. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? My mom has depression. Can you tolerate children for a long period of time? NO. Have you ever lived with someone you felt thoroughly uncomfortable around? No. Are you into dubstep? Yeah, I tend to enjoy it. Zelda or The Sims games? Can I pick neither? lol I don't feel very much at all for The Sims, and Zelda games have always looked... boring to me? Like I've watched most of the Game Grumps' playthroughs of all the games, and they make it hilarious of course, but the games themselves? Nah. Are you terrible at assigning bands their proper genre? YES YES YES YES YES YES. Even in my preferred category, that being metal, FUCK if I know the sub-genre. Have you ever made out in a closet? No, that shit sounds claustrophobic as hell. Have you ever been to a laser tag place? Yeah, on a triple-date once! It was SO fun. How do you wanna celebrate your next birthday? Have a couple friends over, pig out at The Cheesecake Factory. o3o Do you tease your parents about them being old? No, especially not Mom. She's self-conscious about getting older. Are you in love with someone? "In love" is a bit too far, buddy. But I love someone. Have you ever ridden a unicycle? No. Have you ever wanted a pet bunny? I was VERY serious about getting a lop-eared bunny for quite a while, but we just couldn't afford to adopt one (even off Craigslist) and get a cage for it, toys, etc. Are the bottom of your feet clean? I HATE seeing the bottom of my feet. Not because they're dirty, but because it's Callus City. I ain't even fuckin jokin'. Do you like really salty food? Yeah. :x When’s the last time you bled a lot? Well, I just recently finished my cycle after not menstruating for three or four MONTHS, so you can figure that one out. Have you ever watched a needle go into your own skin? Yeah. I like to know exactly when it's coming. Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo? Yes to both. When you’re done eating finger foods, do you usually lick your fingers? Usually kasdjlf;kalsdjf shut up ok I like food. What’s the most racist thing you have ever said? As a little kid, when my really good friend (a neighborhood kid, even) asked if he thought we'd be a good couple, I told him no because "blacks and whites don't date" or something like that. It was an idea I'd never been exposed to before; the idea was so foreign to little kid me. I had no idea I was being racist. It ended in a small fight and we didn't talk for a few days 'til he came to my house telling Mom that he had to "be a man" and fix this and if that ain't the cUTEST SHIT RIGHT THERE. We were friends again after that. He's still on my Facebook, and he actually semi-recently got married! :') Do you know someone that is mute, deaf or blind? No. Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheelchair? No. Does weed smell good? Or no? Ugh, no. Where do you see your closest friend in ten years? Successful and happy she kept pushing. Mama to so many reptiles that are blessed with the best lives possible in human care. Got at least one amazing book out there. If she's reading this, you've fucking got this. <3 Would you like to have twins? Mother of fucking god, no. Even if I WANTED kids, do fucking not give me twins. Who was the last person you got into an argument with? My mom. Want to have kids before you’re 30? Once again, I don't want kids, but IF I did, that'd be preferable before the risk of birth defects and other issues climb with age. Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? My older sister has my initial. Do you think somebody’s in love with you? No. Do you think you and your best friend will be friends in ten years? Yes, I genuinely do. Who were the last people to hang out at your house? Miss Tobey, our friend and landlord. Does anyone like you? Welp... I hope he still does. Guess we'll figure that out soon. What person on your Facebook do you talk to the most? VIA Facebook? Probably my friend Lyndsey. She likes to comment on stuff I share. Do you want to fall in love? I do, but I'm also utterly horrified to and risk being hurt again. Are you interested in more than one person at the moment? No. Once I realized I was so deeply into Girt, all other romantic feelings kinda just... poofed. How was your last break up? Civil and done with both of our best interests in mind. What is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say? Probably the first time I admitted I needed to go to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I was so, so scared of what it was going to be like. What is the hardest thing you NEEDED to hear? That if Jason wasn't happy with me, he had every right to move on. She was right. Do you treat yourself well? No... but I'm trying to change that. What was the last song you sang out loud to? This "Set Fire to the Rain" cover. Do you take good pictures? I think I do? Have you ever done any internship? No. What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? Holy shit, so much, especially when it comes to morality and political stances. I am now a massive supporter and member of the LGBTQ+ community, I'm pro-trans rights, pro-choice... I've done like a dozen 180s in a lot of topics. Do you know anyone who has a PhD? I mean, some doctors, but no one in my truly personal life. Do you know anyone who works as a lawyer? Yes: my cousin. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? LAKSDJFKLA;JWD NEVER AND I PRAY TO THE HOLY LORD THAT I NEVER DO. Does the thought of having wrinkles when you’re older upset you? Not massively? Like literally everyone gets them and is natural and inevitable. Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? I know one alcoholic, and one that's probably borderline. I also have two friends who are extremely addicted to weed. Look me in the eyes and say it's not an addictive substance and I wouldn't believe you one bit. Is there a video or computer game that you can get lost in for hours? Eh, sometimes World of Warcraft. Some days I'm really into it, and others I barely touch it. What’s your favorite Disney Channel movie? I have no clue. I don't even remember movies that were made *for* Disney exclusively. Do you ever have to do yard work? No. We have a friend from the dance studio mow the lawn. Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? My iPod has a whole live album of Ozzy. Did you or do you listen to Britney Spears songs? Both did and do. Britney is a boss bitch. Does your favorite band have a male or female lead singer? Male. Have you seen the movie Moulin Rouge? No, but I've seen some of that P!nk music video of the song and it brings out the Gay in me. Do you have a key to anything besides your house? No. Could you ever complete a 500-piece puzzle? I've done that before. I miss doing puzzles... Have you ever been to any sort of convention? I went to a reptile expo with Sara!! I REALLY want to go to another when my legs are stronger and can handle standing and walking so much. Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom. Have you ever tried to walk on a moving vehicle and fallen over? No????? What is your favourite kind of bread? Is there any of that in your house? Pumpernickel. No. Are/were you in the school band, and if so, what instrument did you play? I played the flute all through middle school and I wanna say half of HS. Have you ever ordered an unusual drink at a bar? Never even been to one. Have you ever been pulled aside by security at the airport? I think once for some reason I don't recall? What is your favourite seasonal candy? (only available at certain times) Gingerbread men, probs. Or chocolate bunnies!!! :') How do you feel right now? My stomach is KILLING me. I'm super excited though that Girt is coming over tomorrow. Have you ever had surgery that kept you in the hospital for over a day? No. What would you like your generation to change? How we treat nature. Is there anyone that you truly could not live without? No. I learned that is a very unhealthy mentality to have. Do you like carrots more if they’re raw, or cooked? I just hate carrots. What restaurant did you last go out to dinner at with friends? With friends? I couldn't even guess. Does your refrigerator have an ice maker or do you use ice cube trays? It has an ice maker. Do you have a favorite sibling, if any? No; I love them all. Do you have a favorite brand of clothing? I STAN CLOAK. How’s the love life? Something new might start tomorrow. I think it will. Do you watch the news? No; that shit is depressing. Who do you admire most? Mark. Do you have a favorite album? Black Rain by Ozzy Osbourne takes the cake and always will.

[basketofverbiage]

A New Beginning

Hi everyone! I’m sorry for not really posting in a long time. I had some serious depression/creativity issues. But here is a second part that I had never planned to write for Angels Calling. 

Angels Calling

Dasom was dressed in a tiny school uniform and was tugging Hoseok along by the hand in her excitement to get through the doors of her school.

“Come on, Appa! I don’t want to be late!” she said, tugging harder at his hand in an effort to try to make him move faster.

“Okay, okay, Somie! Calm down. We have plenty of time,” he chuckled.

She was clearly ready for her first day of school. When they reached the door of her classroom, he knelt down in front of her and handed her a bright pink lunchbox before pulling her close for a hug.

“Have a great first day of school, Somie. I’ll come pick you up later today,” he said into her hair, giving her one tighter squeeze before letting her go.

“I love you, Appa. Don’t forget me!”

Hoseok’s eyes popped open as the dream faded, and he smiled sadly at the ceiling. Dasom had not lived long enough to have her first day of school. She would have started school in a few weeks at the elementary school a few blocks from his apartment building. He took a deep breath and held it for a moment until the ache in his chest was less debilitating.

“I could never forget you, baby,” he whispered to the darkness in his room before getting out of bed to walk into the bathroom.

He turned the water on in the shower to heat up while he brushed his teeth and tried to focus on beginning his day. Hoseok had woken up 45 minutes before his alarm, but the small chance that he might fall back into the dream kept him awake. He didn’t dream of his dead daughter often, but when he did, after waking up from that sort of dreams, he felt her absence so strongly for several days. He showered as quickly as possible then dried off mostly. He slipped on a pair of underwear and walked into the kitchen to make coffee. Hoseok was just pouring the fresh brew into his mug when the front door clicked open.

“Hey, baby! You’re up early,” Y/n greeted while slipping off her shoes. “I had a death visit, and I’ve been there for the last several hours.”

Y/n was a hospice nurse who had taken care of Dasom. During the time she’d helped with caring for his daughter, they’d grown close and then had fallen in love slowly in the year after her death. After Dasom had been gone for a year and a half, Hoseok asked her to move in with him since she was spending most of her spare time and at least 4 nights a week with him anyway. They had been happily living together for just under a year now. Their lives had seamlessly melded together in a way that no one expected. Hoseok had thought they would at least fight or argue occasionally, but it had not really been an issue for them. They just clicked in a nearly supernatural way.

He turned and hugged her when she walked into the kitchen and stole a sip of his coffee. “Did it go well?”

She hummed happily, taking another sip of his coffee before returning the cup and kissing his cheek. “Yeah. The patient was comfortable and died peacefully in their sleep. The family was sad, but they were exhausted since they’d been waiting by their bedside for almost two weeks.”

“I can’t imagine doing that. Dasom declining quickly was bad enough.”

“I know, baby.” Y/n pulled him into her arms after he set the coffee mug on the counter. “It just happens that way sometimes. They will be okay. I think for the moment that they are relieved it’s all over.”

Hoseok snuggled into the hug, letting the grounding presence of her arms around him, pressed against his bare back and chest, soothe away some of the ache still lingering from his dream. “Are you off today?” he asked into her hair.

“Yes,” she yawned, forehead pressed above where his heart thumped away.

“Go shower and climb into bed, darling. I’m going to get ready and head to work. I’ll be back later today.”

 Y/n slept for a while and woke up feeling slightly less exhausted after sleeping for around 4 hours. She had been feeling super tired lately, but she just figured that it was because she had been working more on call shifts. While she was allowed to sleep when on call, it was hard to get deep restful sleep as she kept one ear open for calls from patients or families in distress. It was very normal to her that she would be tired after a night on call, but she had noticed that she was a lot more tired than usual. She’d called to schedule an appointment with her doctor, but there had been no openings until later in the week. Her phone lit up just as she was debating whether she should try to sleep some more or if she should get up.

“Hello?”

“Miss Y/n, this is Jae-in at Dr. Hong’s office. We had a cancellation at 4 pm this afternoon. Would you be available to come in then as opposed to later in the week?”

Y/n quickly agreed then got up to get ready so she could take her time in the shower and still have time to eat a late lunch. She had planned to eat some leftover fried rice from the evening before, but the smell of the eggs scrambled into it turned her stomach as soon as the scent wafted up. She quickly snapped the lid back down and put the container back in the refrigerator. After taking a few deep breaths while gripping onto the cool marble of the countertop, the strong urge to heave into their kitchen sink subsided enough for her to finish getting ready. By the time she was dressed and ready to go, she had still had an hour and a half before she needed to be at her appointment, so Y/n decided to drop by the bookstore. She could get some ginger tea from the café there to help keep the nausea at bay and seeing Hoseok would help with her nerves. Sometimes being a nurse was helpful, but at times like this, it just made her jump to the worst conclusions based on her own medical knowledge.

Y/n had told Hoseok that she had scheduled an appointment about how tired she was but was reluctant to admit the extent of her exhaustion. She didn’t want to make him worry that it was something worse when it’s likely that she just had a basic nutrient deficiency or maybe a hormone imbalance. Hoseok had been slightly traumatized by Dasom’s illness and death and he tended to jump to the worst possible conclusion; he had fully overreacted when Jungkook had caught the flu earlier in the winter and had a panic attack in the middle of the bookstore when Namjoon had mentioned he was home sick. She shook those thoughts out of her mind as she arrived at the bookstore and pushed the door open.

“Welcome to Tittle and Jot! Is there something I can help you find today?” Namjoon called with a smile from the counter at tinkling of the bell at the door. “Oh, hey, Y/n. You must be looking for Hobi.”

“Hi Joonie. Is he busy?”

“Nope, he’s back in the office. I’ll go get him. Want some coffee too?”

Y/n smiled back. “Not today. Could you make some ginger tea instead?”

“You’ve got it. I’ll be right back.”

Y/n browsed the rack of new releases positioned near the café counter while she waited on Hoseok to come up front. She was reading the back of a thriller book by a popular local author when she felt arms wrap around her waist.

“Fancy meeting you here,” Hoseok giggled into her ear as he kissed her on the cheek.

Y/n returned the book to the shelf before turning to kiss his lips gently. “Hi, baby. How’s your day been so far?”

As Hoseok was telling her about the children’s storytime they had hosted earlier that morning, Namjoon brought her a to-go cup full of freshly steeped ginger tea.

“I used a special loose-leaf blend we got in last week from my cousin’s tea company. I put a little honey in it to cut the tang. Let me know how you like it,” he said before wandering off to restock and reorganize the storybooks in the front corner of the shops.

Y/n took a cautious sip of the tea before speaking up. “Hobi, the doctor’s office had a cancellation so they called to see if I could come today instead.”

“Do you need me to go with you?” he asked.

She could already see the worry in his eyes. Even though she would be more at ease if he were there, she decided to reject his offer.

“No, it’s just a check-up, baby. I’m sure its just that I need to get more vitamin D or something like that.” Y/n kissed him gently. “You might beat me home since the shop closes at 5 today, but I’ll update you as soon as I’m home.”

A few minutes later, Y/n needed to leave to be to her appointment on time. They said their goodbyes, then Hoseok watched her leave.

“She’s going to be okay, Hobi,” Namjoon said quietly as he wrapped his arm around Hoseok’s shoulders. “You know how bad you felt when your Vitamin B levels were wacky back in college. This is probably the same thing.”

Hoseok sucked in a deep breath, then exhaled slowly. “I know you’re right, Joon. I just can’t help but worry a little bit. It’s like a gut reaction since Dasom.”

“I know. But just remember, you weren’t alone then, and you aren’t alone now. No matter what happens, Kook and I will be by your side.”

 “I’m what?” Y/n sat in shock for a moment, mouth open and staring at her doctor.

“Y/n, you’re pregnant. Congratulations!” Dr. Hong smiled.

“I’m…wow.” She looked down at her stomach and then looked back at her doctor. “I’ve been on birth control and still taking it. Will that hurt the baby?”

“Well, now that you know, stop taking it. I’ll make you a referral to an OB/GYN and you will need to start taking some prenatal vitamins. The pregnancy does explain most of your symptoms and the rest of your bloodwork came back normally.”

Y/n was still a bit in shock as her doctor gave her some additional information on changes for her diet and things to do for the sporadic nausea she had been experiencing, along with written notes and an appointment card for an ultrasound and another appointment set for the end of the week with an OB/GYN. She sat in her car for nearly 15 minutes just staring at the information and her cell phone, debating on whether she should call Hoseok. They hadn’t even discussed children together because he was still grieving the loss of his child to a certain extent. While Y/n was more than a little surprised, she also found herself happy. She loved Hoseok and having a beautiful son or daughter with him made her heart leap with joy. Y/n eventually decided to just tell him when she got home.

Since she needed to stop to get prenatal vitamins, she could not resist browsing through the baby things. Y/n had no plans to buy anything for the baby yet, but when she saw a tiny pair of slippers with bunnies on them, she had to have them. She bought them and had them gift wrapped in simple yellow paper, intending to present them to Hoseok to tell him about the baby.

 After closing the shop, Hoseok went home to pace around their living room while waiting on Y/n to get home. He had finally worn himself out after stalking around their sofa for 45 minutes and had just sat down in the armchair that faced the door when he heard a key in the lock. Y/n came breezing in the door with one hand behind her back, sliding off her shoes with the other hand, then smiling at him.

“Hi, baby! I’m back,” she said softly.

“Hey! What did the doctor say?”

“Before I tell you more details, I just want you to know that I’m okay. I am going to be just fine. Also, I brought you something.”

She sat down on the corner of the sofa nearest his chair and handed him a small yellow package. He was so confused but thanked her for the box before slowly tearing off the paper. He lifted the lid off of a small white box housed within the yellow paper and was greeted by tiny white slippers with bunnies on them. He slowly lifted the slippers out of the box with one hand, stroking one finger down the side of one small shoe.

“Baby, I’m pregnant,” Y/n whispered.

In that moment, Hoseok was struck with relief that she was going to be okay and then joy that they had created a new life, but then all he could think of was Dasom’s voice from his dream that morning.

I love you, Appa! Don’t forget me.

Don’t forget me.

Don’t forget…

Her voice bounced so loudly around his mind, and Hoseok panicked. He dropped the shoes and got up and rushed toward the door.

“I need to go,” he said, sliding his boots on and grabbing his keys. “I just need some time to process this.”

Before Y/n even had a chance to say anything, he was out the door and gone.

 Jungkook was just sliding the lasagna he’d made for dinner into the oven when someone started pounding on the door. Namjoon was in the shower after just arriving home from work, so he walked to see who was there. He looked through the peephole to see Hoseok fidgeting outside the door as he knocked loudly again.

“Hey, Hobi-hyung! What are you doing here?” he asked, confused.

“Where is Namjoon? I need you both,” he said, frantically looking around the room for Namjoon.

“Joonie is in the shower. Sit down here, and I’ll go tell him to hurry. Is Y/n okay?”

“Yeah, she’s…um…just get Joon please.”

Jungkook could see the agitation swelling in Hoseok. Something weird was going on. Jungkook quickly walked through their bedroom to the master bathroom. The bathroom door was cracked open, so he just poked his head in the door to find Namjoon combing through his semi-dry hair with a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Joonie, can you hurry? Something’s wrong with Hobi-hyung. He nearly beat our door down and wouldn’t tell me what’s going on without you.”

Namjoon startled a bit at Jungkook’s voice. “Yeah, let me just pull on some pants.”

Jungkook walked back out into the living room to find Hoseok tucked into the middle seat of their couch, his knees brought up to his chest and tears streaming down his cheeks. Jungkook immediately sat down beside him and gave him a hug. Hoseok curled into Jungkook’s embrace and Jungkook could feel him trembling with the effort not to sob.

“Hobi, what’s going on? Is Y/n okay?” Namjoon asked as he plopped down on Hoseok’s other side.

Hoseok nodded at first, then finally pulled away from Jungkook. “She’s pregnant.”

Jungkook and Namjoon looked at each other in confusion for a moment before Namjoon spoke up again. “That’s wonderful, Hobi. Why do you look like it’s the end of the world?”

“I’m so scared,” he whimpered. “I don’t want to feel like I’m using this baby to replace Dasom. And what if this baby gets sick too? I can’t love another child just for them to die.”

He started sobbing in earnest then, so Jungkook pulled him back into his arms. “Hobi-hyung, you will never be able to replace Dasom. She will always be your baby too. You’ll be able to tell this baby all about their older sister. Do you honestly think that Dasom would be upset about the new baby?”

Hoseok thought about it for a moment. Dasom would have been thrilled. She had always wanted a younger sibling to play with. Hoseok knew deep down that she would have been so pleased that she was going to have the chance to be an older sister.

“No. She’d have been so happy,” he whispered back.

“Okay, then this is a good thing,” Namjoon softly replied. “This child has a different mother, Hobi. That’s a 50% DNA difference. Even if Dasom’s leukemia was caused by something genetic, the 50% difference in DNA could make a huge difference. Besides, there are a lot of things that can be tested in utero. Since you’ve already had one child that had that type of leukemia, talk to the doctor. There may be a test they can do for it.”

After a bit, the oven timer that Jungkook had set went off.

“Dinner is ready, Hobi-hyung. Let me go pull it out of the oven. You want to eat with us?”

Hoseok sighed. “No, I’d better go. Y/n is probably upset. I literally just ran out after she gave me baby slippers to tell me.”

Namjoon and Jungkook said their goodbyes and walked him to the door. “Please text us when you get home, so we know you are safe,” Jungkook said. “And if you need us, we’ll come over.”

 Hoseok drove home then took the elevator up to their floor. He hesitated at the door to text Namjoon before walking in the door. He was half terrified of what he was going to find when he opened the door, but he knew that he had to face it. He walked in and toed off his shoes, looking to see if he could see Y/n anywhere. He found her asleep on the couch with tear tracks streaking her face, tiny baby slippers cuddled to her chest. It made his heart ache to see the evidence of how much he’d hurt her in his panicked escape. Hoseok took a deep breath, feeling the love for Y/n squeeze out the last remnants of fear he carried. He sat down in the floor in front of the sofa. He gently brushed the last tears off of her cheek before kissing her forehead. When his lips pressed to her skin, her eyes fluttered open.

“Hobi?” she mumbled sleepily, blinking up at him.

“I’m here, darling. I’m so sorry that I ran out like that,” he whispered. “I just let fear that this baby would get sick like Somie did overwhelm how happy I was when you told me. I should have talked to you about it instead of running away from you like a coward.”

A few new tears slipped down her cheeks at his apology. “Please don’t cry,” he murmured.

“I can’t help it,” she whimpered. “My hormones are going crazy. Are you really happy?”

“Yes, I am. I am so lucky to be having a baby with you.” He kissed her softly, both hands cupping her tear-dampened cheeks. “I’m still a little scared that this baby will get sick, but Namjoon helped calm my fears some and gave me some questions to ask when we go to see the doctor again. But for now, I just want to celebrate that I get to be a dad again. Dasom would be so happy.”

They spent the rest of the evening curled up together, kissing and celebrating their good news together. When they went to bed that night, Hoseok snuggled Y/n into his chest and fell asleep with one hand curled onto her still-flat stomach.

 “Appa, wake up!”

His eyes fluttered open to see Dasom standing beside his bed.

“Hi Somie,” he said softly.

“Hi, Appa! I am so happy that you are giving me a baby brother. Y/n is going to be the best eomma! I kind of wish she had been able to be my eomma too, but that’s okay.”

“Somie, the baby is too little. We don’t know for sure if it’s going to be a brother.”

“Trust me, Appa. I’m getting a brother. But don’t worry, Appa. I’m going to be looking out for him forever, even though I can’t be there in my old body. And I know you love me and you will never forget me, so don’t worry about that either. I have to go now, but don’t worry anymore. My baby brother won’t get sick like me.”

Dasom leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek, then disappeared.

Hoseok shot up into a sitting position, gasping for air. It had only been a dream, but his cheek where Dasom’s lips had touched was tingling like she had really been there. It was just enough to let him know that everything was going to be okay.

 They had decided not to learn the gender of the baby. But, 28 weeks later when Y/n gave birth, she delivered a healthy baby boy just like Dasom had told him in her dream. When he held his son for the first time, he laughed even as tears of joy slipped from his eyes. In that moment, he could feel Dasom there with him and the baby, just like she’d promised him.

[findingmypeace]

4/9/2020

Another random thought brought on by today’s therapy session:

I was 12 when my ed started. 12. When I look back on my life it doesn’t feel that young but when I see other kids who are 12 they are incredibly young. One of the kids I nannied first was 4 when I started watching him. He’s 13 now. He’s in middle school but that’s still so young!

My therapist today asked me to think about what my life would have been like if, when I was 12, my parents took me seriously and got me help. I couldn’t really come up with an alternative story but we did conclude that my life would have been vastly different than what it has been.

There is a local ed treatment center that has an adult unit, an adolescent unit, and then they team up with the local children’s hospital to have a children’s unit. They have also put out tons of research on FBT (Family Based Treatment) which has been a widely successful treatment for EDs in children and teens so it’s one of the things they specialize in. I didn’t get real ed treatment until I was in college and lived on my own. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have a parent involved in your ed treatment. FBT-never in a million years would my parents do something like that. Actually participate in my treatment? They wouldn’t even do that today!

I’ve said this before but it took 15 yrs and 3 residential stays for my Mom to admit that I maybe probably had some kind of an eating disorder. Then add another 10 yrs and a serious suicide attempt for her to actually support me in seeking mental health treatment. I remember in the Fall of 2018 when I told her my psychiatrist recommended I start ECT she rolled her eyes and sighed. I can’t remember if she said anything but her general response to my treatment plans, until recently, was ‘You’re an adult. Do what you’re going to do. I can’t stop you.” Even now that she’s more supportive than she’s ever been, when she takes me to ECT, instead of coming into the waiting room she waits in her car in the parking lot and the nurses have to walk me out to the parking lot since safety protocol means they can’t let me leave the facility on my own. It’s a huge thing that she even drives me there so, even though I rather her be in the waiting room, I get that it’s a pretty big deal that she takes me.

I truly can’t imagine having a parent encourage or even suggest treatment. My parents were so mad the first time I went to residential they wouldn’t allow me to come home for the summer (I was in college). Although they would say that decision was based on other things but even then those ‘other things’ were mental health related (my anger at them-well yeah, of course I was angry-and my depression). The third time I went to residential my parents refused to talk to me for a few days. To their benefit my hometown was experiencing a massive wildfire and it’s possible the phone lines were down. But say your hometown is burning down, you’re in residential treatment, and you don’t hear from your parents for several days-that was pretty rough. There were a few moments I thought my house had burned down and that’s why they weren’t answering. I really can’t imagine what it’s like to have a parent actually want you to get treatment. For it to not be such a battle. I think if I had gotten serious treatment for my ed and the underlying issues when I was 12, when everything was just starting, my life would have been completely different. Maybe it wouldn’t be 25 years later and I’m still purging dinner. It makes me sad to think about how it’s been and I still have a lot of hurt and resentment but I am also grateful that my Mom, for the most part, actually takes me seriously now. I wish it didn’t take me basically almost dying to get her to believe me but at least things aren’t like they were anymore. Anyway, enough rambling. Sorry for the rant. I didn’t know I needed to get that out.

Edit: I don’t mention my Dad much when it comes to these things but that’s pretty much because his presence in all of this is non-existent. Except for when I was in the hospital for my suicide attempt he has never once talked to me about anything mental health related. And honestly, talking to him about it would be incredibly awkward. It’s clear that it makes him very uncomfortable and he can’t bare acknowledging it. I’d rather he just act unaware than talk to me about since it would be so awkward. The difference between him and my Mom is that my Mom outright accused me of lying and has invalidated me for decades but my Dad just fails to even acknowledge that mental health exists. I’d rather that than to have someone actively accuse me of lying.

[jaenicolevalley]

My Story

*Trigger warning*

Self-harm and suicide are talked about. If you are triggered by either of these, please, do not read. 

I was thirteen when I first cut myself. I was thirteen when I began my struggle with depression and anxiety. I was thirteen when I realized that maybe I am not for this world, that I am too different, that I am not good enough. 

I remember taking that pair of scissors, tears running down my face. Before this moment, I could not comprehend how one might do this to themselves. I couldn’t imagine a world that could be painful enough to hurt your body. And yet here I was, in pain, and there was no one there for me. 

When those scissors first made their mark against my pale skin, I did not know that it would lead to a battle that would last for at least another decade. I had no idea that I would become obsessed with finding the relief that I felt as I finally cut myself. That it would become my strongest coping skill. 

Sitting on my bedroom floor, gasping for air, I finally felt some sense of calmness come over me. I did not know it at the time, but what I had just experienced was an anxiety attack. 

Looking back on that time, I realized that maybe if I had gone downstairs and talked with my mother, then maybe I could have saved myself for a few more years.  

It always felt like my life went downhill from there. Everything that happened after that night spent on my floor drowning in my tears always felt like it was my fault. 

For two years, I was what could be considered a casual cutter. I only did it when I couldn’t breathe, when I was in too much pain for anything else to work. 

The summer of 2015 came and I don’t think I had cut for some time. My uncle Scott, my mother’s brother, came from Colorado to visit us. He’d come before, but when I was too little to remember. And from the moment I received my first hug from him, I knew that we clicked. There was something about our souls that just...went together.  

We went camping, up at Yellow River State Forest in the northeast part of Iowa. There was a moment, a moment that will forever be ingrained in my heart. I’d been sitting on the couch in the motorhome and Uncle Scott had come in to get something. Before he went back outside, he stopped next to me, looked down, and said, “I get you, kid.”

I didn’t really know what it meant back then. I didn’t understand that my uncle was fighting the same battle as I was. October 2015 was when my life really started to go downhill. 

Uncle Scott killed himself with a single shot to the head. I remember when we got the phone call. My parents were making dinner, and I had been sitting out in the living room. I remember my mother just breaking down and crying. And when I learned that Uncle Scott was dead, I acted like it didn’t affect me. 

Later that week, we boarded a plane set for Colorado Springs, Colorado. And when it was finally time for his funeral, for his viewing, I took one look at his lifeless body and just broke down. When it was our turn, I hugged his cold body and just sobbed. I didn’t understand why he’d left me. Not in the way of, oh why’d you die, but rather, why did you leave me here on this earth? Why didn’t you take me with you?

There was a hat that Uncle Scott had wanted me to have, but I left it on his motorhome. When we went to his funeral, we searched that motorhome for it, but we never found it. To this day, I ask myself why I didn’t take that hat with me. 

A few short weeks after that, I had my first mental breakdown in the middle of the school day. I was in so much pain and I had no idea what to do. It hurt so fucking bad. 

  I ended up going into the hospital, spending two weeks there trying to get better. And of course, I was okay...for a little while. In total, I’ve been to the psych ward six different times. 

Most of those times I’ve been in the hospital was simply because I was self-harming or wanted to self-harm. 

March 29, 2017, was a different story. I’d been having a terrible day. My parents were fighting for the umpteenth time, I’d had a terrible day at school, and on top of that, I was hearing the voices. See, I’ve heard voices since I was little, but they weren’t always bad voices. Yet when I am depressed or stressed, they turn against me. They tear me down, try to drown me in my own blood. And on that day, they were the worst. 

I was texting a friend at the time, and I thank God that she was there for me. I’d stolen a bottle of Hydrocodone from when I’d gotten my wisdom teeth out and was seriously contemplating taking my own life. I wanted to die so badly, I was in so much pain. It was like getting shot with 100 bullets. It hurt so much to just breathe.  

I didn’t tell the girl that I was going to kill myself, just that I was having a hard time, but she must have figured it out. I ended up downing three of them before my mother came upstairs, concerned after receiving a phone call from that same friend saying that she should check on me.  

I remember being tired, just wanting to sleep, but I was crying too because I saw the fear on my mother’s face when I said that I had taken some of the pills. I remember my mother calling 911 while all I could do was keep crying.  

When the paramedics got there, I found myself in front of my choir teacher, who also happened to be a paramedic on the side. I cried even harder because just like my mom, I didn’t want to hurt her. I kept apologizing over and over again. 

Things got better after that. Sure, I still had bad days, and yes, I did have to go to the hospital a few more times, but they were far between each other. 

A few weeks ago, I had a mental breakdown, and for the first time in a long time, I was scared. I didn’t want to self-harm because I was way past the point of that. I was scared because I thought I was going to take another bottle of pills, I was scared that I was going to kill myself, and this time, I knew that I wouldn’t reach out to someone. 

My chest was hurting, both from not taking deep breaths, but also because I was in physical pain from my mental pain. I just wanted it to stop. 

And maybe, when my uncle died, I thought that people who killed themselves were selfish, but going through a period when I was in that much pain, it’s really not a matter of being selfish. I truly believed that nobody cared, that no one would really miss me. If they didn’t talk to me now, why would they care later? It’s not selfish. Because of depression and anxiety, you begin to believe lies. Lies like:

“They don’t care about you.”

“You’d be better off dead.”

“Why can’t you just die so no one has to be bothered by you?”

I finally got the strength to call a friend because I was scared. She calmed me, and I lived to see another day. 

When I was younger, around the ages of 15 to 17, I thought I honestly wouldn’t live this long. I thought that I was going to take my life before I got to 18. I kept fantasizing about dying that I started to believe that I was going to kill myself before I got to that age. 

And sometimes, to this day, I still think that I’m not gonna make it to 21, 25, 50 years of age. And when I get those thoughts, I have to remind myself that it gets better. It might not get better for a while, but it gets better. 

Living with depression is not easy, and it’s certainly not pretty. It’s not selfish, and it’s not wrong. Mental health is a serious condition, a disease. And even though you can’t see the symptoms, they are there, struggling, tearing someone down. 

If you or someone you know is struggling, get help. Tell someone. Because without those friends that I had contacted, I wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t have this wonderful girlfriend, I wouldn’t have my mom, who cares so deeply about me. I wouldn’t have the memories I’ve made, the fun times I’ve had. Sometimes, all it takes is being brave. I know it’s hard, that you’re scared for whatever reasons. And it’s completely okay to be scared. But you don’t have to be scared and alone. Even when it feels like no one is there, there’s someone out there who is willing to listen. 

Life is worth living. Don’t ever forget that. 

If you feel as if no one is going to listen, I highly encourage you to call 1-800-273-8255. We want you to live. I want you to live. I need you to live. 

[elizapbrooke]

A discovery of pancakes

This is my newsletter from Friday, May 22. You can sign up here.

I am disappointed to announce that the bird call I thought belonged to an owl comes, in fact, from a mourning dove. “One of the most abundant and widespread of all North American birds,” Wikipedia says. It’s an embarrassing but maybe understandable mistake. I figured this owl was out during the day because it was a creature of New York like the rest of us, its circadian rhythm all fucked up by early morning garbage trucks and the blue glow of the Chase Bank across the street. The mourning dove’s coo is low and melancholy, a distinctive series of five notes. I’d certainly forgive you for thinking it’s a hoot. As I was listening to mourning dove calls on my computer and having this horrible realization, one landed on the fire escape and startled me with the loudest, most intimate rendition of their song I’d ever heard. It may as well have pressed its beak up against the glass. (I assume it thought there was a dove in the apartment.) I crept over to the window to confirm with my eyeballs what AllAboutBirds.org had already told me, and, yep, there it was. It felt so special to have a mystery owl in the neighborhood, but I guess doves are lovely birds too, with their plushy throats and elegantly tapered tail feathers. Anyway, my friend Sid tells me he’s heard owls in Gowanus, so I’m keeping my hopes up. This week I published a story for Curbed detailing the history and recent evolution of the home office. As I was fact checking it, I realized I’d accidentally talked to ten hundred sources, so please do enjoy the fruits of my labor. I’m not here to talk about home offices, though. A few weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and discovered I’d been brainstorming pitches in my sleep. I was thrilled. On account of pandemic depression and seeing very little of the outside world, I’ve really been struggling to come up with story concepts, which is problematic because that’s my job. Most of my dream pitches evaporated upon waking, but I managed to hold onto one, and in my sleepy haze I thought it was possibly the greatest idea I’d ever had. It was: PANCAKES ARE HAVING A MOMENT IN QUARANTINE. I decided I’d email the New York Times first thing in the morning. In the light of day, I realized that there wasn’t really a story there. When you’re writing a trend piece, you want to be able to point to, I don’t know, at least four really solid examples from the public sphere. My evidence was:

Alex and I had made pancakes recently

We were planning to make them again

I’d recently discussed pancakes with Molly and Vivian

I’d heard you can make pancakes from sourdough starter discard (which actually does speak to the zeitgeist)

But here’s the thing. Pancakes are a great topic for a newsletter. So here is my pancake article.

***

I’ve always liked the look of a big stack of pancakes, but I never really got why people were so into eating them. I like a breakfast that is hyper-functional and maximally filling. Because I’m an aging hippie, my preferred breakfast is a double-sized bowl of Ezekiel cereal, which tastes like delicious cardboard and fulfills 42% of your daily fiber needs. Pancakes, like pastries, always struck me as glamorous but pointless. I was even somewhat distrustful of my mom’s pancakes, which are dense and nutty, not sweet at all. Her recipe came from a “chiropractor/health nut in San Diego about 31 years ago” and involves grinding your own flour from winter wheat berries, groats, rye, brown rice, and millet. I love them, but a family pancake breakfast still makes me feel very out of control. This all changed a few weeks ago when Alex and I decided to make pancakes for dinner. All I can say is that quarantine has a way of melting away the rigid little fucks you used to give. For once, the chaos I associate with pancakes sounded fun and freeing. Also we’ve been watching a ton of Parks & Rec, and I was feeling inspired by Leslie’s diet of waffles and whipped cream. We made buttermilk pancakes, extra fluffy ones that require you to whip the egg whites on their own for several minutes before folding them into the batter. Two with banana chunks, two with bits of frozen peaches, two blueberry, one bonus plain for me. I had mine without anything on top, enjoying the choking feeling of eating so much cakey carb. It felt like a hug. When I saw my friend Todd post a gorgeous stack of pancakes on Instagram, I asked him if he had any theories about why they’re such a good quarantine food. At first he thought I was trolling him, but when I told him I was dead serious, here’s what he said: “What I love about pancakes right now is that they feel both ordinary and radical at the same time. Ordinary because they are nostalgic, all-American, homey, comfortable, and approachable. Anyone can make them. But there’s also something really subversive about a stack of pancakes right now—the gluten, the non-plant-based butter and eggs, eating breakfast when Goop tells us we should be intermittent fasting, so forth. Eating pancakes in the time of coronavirus brings into focus how overwhelming wellness culture has become in recent years—celery juice and collagen smoothies will never, ever, ever beat a big, buttery, syrupy stack of flapjacks.” I would agree. Given my dedication to breakfast foods that involve sprouted beans—which predates our wellness moment but was certainly bolstered by it—I definitely find pancakes subversive. They make me feel nostalgic, too, but not for anything I’ve personally experienced. For weekends in high school that I spent ensconced in the television world of Gilmore Girls, maybe, where breakfast at Luke’s Diner is a comfortable routine. As I continued my journey into pancake reportage, I sought out the perspective of Sarah Jampel, an editor at Bon Appetit. While pancakes made from sourdough discard have their fans, Sarah is not particularly one of them. She’s also team waffle. I don’t really have a horse in the pancake/waffle debate, but Sarah makes a compelling case. “I have thought a lot about pancakes,” she emailed back when I asked if she had anything to say about the topic. “And yes, I have made them since isolation started—mostly because I'm ‘every woman’ and my fridge is overflowing with sourdough discard. ‘Put it in pancakes,’ I thought. The issue is that I need to add more flour (as well as butter or oil and leaveners) to sourdough discard to turn it into pancakes, so I ultimately end up using more ingredients for the sole purpose of not throwing some stuff into the trash or compost (but really, the trash). And even though pancakes sound nice in theory—why not start the day with a hot breakfast instead of the usual routine, eating a Clif bar with one hand while the other clings bare to the subway pole (huge sigh of nostalgia)?—in actuality they're inferior waffles. Unless you take care with your pancakes—loading them with lots of butter and separating the egg yolks and whites (this recipe's my fave)—they're too mono-textured.” Never fear: Alex and I loaded ours with an alarming amount of butter. I suppose it is to be expected that when you go out hunting for pancake insights, you come back with waffle testimonials. When I asked Alex’s high school friends to weigh in on the appeal of pancakes during a global shutdown, Nico said, “Waffles are the superior carb. They provide greater textural variety and are a better delivery vessel for condiments.” (Dylan has been eating toast all quarantine, and Dan “didn’t understand the question” because the only god he acknowledges is the Joy of Cooking’s pancake recipe.) My friend Molly has been eating a lot of savory pancakes under quarantine, for breakfast or lunch. She sautées a bunch of garlic and kale in olive oil, adding scallions at the last minute, and then sets the vegetables aside in a bowl. In goes the Bisquick, and she adds the kale mix on top of the pancakes as they cook; after a minute, she tops the pancake with shredded white cheddar so that when she flips it, the cheese turns crispy. She’ll eat that with a runny egg or garlic yogurt. I can’t wait to see her again so she can make one for me. Pancakes are one of the few foods that Molly has consistently been able to stomach during this period of immense anxiety. They have a strong positive association for her: in pre-corona times, she would make savory pancakes after playing soccer on Saturday mornings. Those games are one of the things she misses most right now. We talked on the phone while she made her daily trip outside to juggle a soccer ball. Molly likes to chat with friends during these breaks because bouncing a ball on your feet benefits from loose attention. “Cooking a pancake is similar,” she said. “It requires some focus but it’s not that hard. You don’t really need to cut anything. You just watch it.” Alex always says that cooking is meditative for him. I would respectfully disagree—to me, it feels more like hurtling down a mogul course—but I can see it with pancakes. You’re just systematically waiting and flipping, waiting and flipping. After making buttermilk pancakes, we progressed to Sqirl’s buckwheat pancakes for lunch on a Sunday. I can’t find the recipe online, but here’s a photo. For those who are lucky enough to have dodged my Sqirl talk thus far, it’s a phenomenal, semi-healthy breakfast and lunch spot in Silver Lake. Every time I’m in LA, I badger my companions into going right when it opens at 8 a.m. so we’re sure to get a table. When I was there to write about Dax Shepard in November, I high-tailed it to Sqirl right after our interview and embarrassed myself in front of the staff by inhaling bits of a particularly seedy cookie and having a loud coughing fit, after which I went around the corner to die in private. Alex and I thought we had all the requisite ingredients for Sqirl’s buckwheat pancakes, other than cactus flour, but the recipe calls for corn flour and it turns out cornmeal isn’t the same thing. We subbed in whole wheat, so they weren’t really Sqirlcakes, but they were still tasty in a restrained, earthy way. Alex convinced me to try one with raspberry jam, which I reluctantly admit was a great pairing. A week or two later, we made them again. I wasn’t really hungry because it was 2 p.m. and I’d already eaten lunch—Alex had just gotten up—but I pledged to eat my portion cold out of the fridge. Alex thought this was insane, but he sometimes forgets that I like my food a little squidgy. We went grocery shopping the next morning, which was as much of a bitch as it always is right now. Even though we’ve gotten the process down to a science, it still takes three hours from start to finish, with significant angst on my part about the cleanliness of the inbound goods. Finally everything was put away, and Alex headed off to take a shower. I was agitated and crazy hungry. I scrubbed my hands one more time, pulled the pancakes out of the fridge, and promptly dropped one on the floor while trying to get it into my mouth. I ate the rest in big, angry bites, one after another, standing in the middle of the kitchen. I didn’t want to sit down in my outdoor clothes. The pancakes were perfect, though. A shot of sweet, comforting carb straight to the heart.

[moodymurda]

think i lost my best friend

as a small child my first first best friend was a boy named omar. we met in daycare when we were two. we were the smallest in the class but had the biggest mouths. we ended up going to the same schools until 4th grade. at our elementary school anytime someone claimed me as a best friend, he would explain that we went way back to diapers and they weren’t my best friend lmao. 

in pre-k i met a boy named hakeem. (our mom’s ended up being friends, they still talk occasionally and sometimes my mom will tell me how hakeem and his siblings are doing. because she know my weird ass cares about that sort of thing). hakeem brought these lemon cookies everyday for snack. i liked them too but in strawberry, so he would have his mom get me some and he brought me those cookies everyday until we changed schools in first grade. we always sat together, did our work together, played together. we had other friends but we mostly did everything together. 

in first grade i had 2 best friends. a boy named franklyn and a girl named melody. melody moved away like 4 months into the school year but to this day i’ve never forgotten her. franklyn, i thought he was so cool. he was a really great artist.. for a 6 year old lol. he was real funny too. he had the funniest facial expressions. and he was real serious which i was entertained by because i’ve always been “silly”. 

in 4th grade i met a girl named shanelle. we were the shortest girls in the class and the smartest. we were really similar in general and we instantly clicked. it was a whole lil group of girls that i’d known since first grade. but shanelle and i ended up in the same class in 4th grade and we clicked idk. that was my mf girl. when i first moved to florida we talked on the phone every saturday for hours. i also met a boy named anias that year. he was one of my best friends too. he was also my first crush lol. unrelated but it’s interesting to look back at how i handled the fact that i liked him, because i still handle liking people that same way.

fifth grade was my first year in florida. it was real hard for me to make friends. the other day, my mom said to me she realized that in new york i never had to make friends. i have bout 5011 cousins, so that's built in friends right there. and they were my friends back then, they're my friends now. then most of the kids i went to daycare with, they went to my elementary school. so again i never had to make a friend really. i knew everyone in my life since i was a literal infant. 

but yea i did end up making friends eventually. got my first white friends ever lol. (one of their dad’s called me a nigger which is still hands down one of the weirdest things i’ve ever experienced.) i started to befriend more girls which was cool because before then i always had way more guy friends than girls. 

in middle school i went to one school for 6th grade, then another for 7th & 8th. in 6th i met my friend nijah. and she was my best friend then. she treated me like i was her little sister and i’m still grateful. she really looked out for my little ass and defended me no matter what. she was present after i got into my first fight lol. and even though i held my own, the girl had scratched my face. that shit set nijah off and she proceeded to beat homegirl’s ass even though i just did.

i struggled to make friends in 7th again. in 6th grade i went to the same school that most of my elementary friends went to, so again i didn’t have to make friends for real. i did make new friends but it was different because it was a group thing. not me alone trying to fit in somewhere. in 7th grade i finally got into a school i applied to in 5th grade but was wait-listed. i was and am very reluctant to speak to those i don’t know for a list of reasons. so i didn’t. i would just observe the people in my class. eventually these two girls named janae and keely who were best friends, kinda let me stick my ass in there with them. then i met bart and this girl dani. i remember marcus and i had ended up befriending one another bc our history teacher sat us next to each other when he was reassigning seats. (i remember every mf thing but marcus was also my second crush so naturally i remember every detail of that shit). so yea those were my friends. at the time janae was my best friend tho. she was the only other black girl in the class that would talk to me and didn’t think i was weird. it was because her ass was weird too lol. i didn’t act like the rest of the black girls and they really only spoke to me to make fun of me. which i knew, but i’ve never been one to entertain shit unless “you got beat my ass about it”. 

in 8th grade janae and i met this group of girls. morgan, dejahnna, atlantis, and jarvayssia. some shit shifted that year and morgan and dejahanna became my best friends. they were the first friends i ever hang out with outside of school. it made me feel so good to be invited to shit and to feel included. to feel like a normal ass 13 yr old felt amazing. 

so in high school there were two schools all the magnet school kids would usually apply to. stanton and paxon. with the exception of keely, bart, and a few other people i didn't mention here. every single person i was close with in middle school, went to paxon. what's crazy is most of my friends were going for stanton because in jax it’s the “better” school as far as ranking goes. i don't even remember why but when i toured paxon, i liked it more than stanton and i wanted to go there. it’s still funny to me that my ass didn’t want to go to stanton but was one of the only ones in my close friend group to get in. 

so yea at stanton is struggled. a lot. personally but also in the friend department. to put it plainly i had none. people didn't really talk to me or acknowledge me really. at first i didn’t mind it. but then having a fucked up home situation and having no friends just made me feel real shitty. there was that thing again, with people talking to me only to make fun of me. some of those same people would turn around senior year and try to be my friend senior year which was hilarious to me at the time. it was like they forgot how they treated my extra depressed ass back then. i met this girl chelsey in 10th grade and she was hella sweet. she basically forced me on her friends and they became my friends.

okay so anyway, in 11th grade i met a girl named ahmani. she was in my chorus class. i remember our first encounter, it was towards the beginning of the school year. stanton was playing paxon and it was the game everyone went to ya know. i wanted to go but my mom couldn't take me. so everyone is talking about it and someone asked if i was coming. i said no and why, ahmani ended up asking me what side of town i lived on. we realized we dead lived like 7 minutes away from each other. she offered to pick me up and bring me to the game w her. i was amazed that she was willing to, i know that dont sound like a big deal but to me it was. people weren’t nice to me bro. like ever. so for her to do that it meant a lot. she ended up being my ride every mf where. she is dead the reason i hung out w people outside of school w my friends. she took me everywhere with her. sometimes we would just sit in the car and talk or listen to music. we had a group of friends, it was 5 of us. but i was the closest with her. 

i admired her. i thought she was so strong and resilient. she's hella awkward but she owns it. she's low-key/highkey anxious sometimes but she works through it. no one i’ve ever met works harder to achieve shit than she is. she sings so beautifully. she is beautiful. she's a caretaker of basically anyone she knows. she is a light, she was my light for so long when i needed it. we’re pretty different but also a lot alike. we just worked. i always told her where i fall short she picks up my slack and vice versa. we might be a bit of a mess separately but our heads working together is unstoppable. we’re kinda a mess together too honestly but it’s us.

in college we didn't spend as much time together. we both stayed home for two years and went to a community college. we would hang out like weekly i think. i’m pretty sure we saw each other once a week at the very least. but then she went to orlando for university and i went to UNF which in jax. we didn’t talk all that much and i understood. i wasn't necessarily too busy, but thats because i just never am that fucking busy lmfao. idk the way i go through life is weird. i only make time for the shit and people i want to make time for. i refuse to do anything i dont want to. and that isn’t necessarily my best trait but I'm working on it. but yea i guess she was busier than i? idk when i don’t speak to people for a while i dont make a big deal. i tell myself it isn’t on purpose and i move on. i often tell myself not to apply more importance to my life than what is necessary. especially when others are involved. again, not my best trait but i’m working on it. 

so yea though our communication got limited i still considered her my best friend. when she would come to the city, if she had time we hung out. i always have time lmfao, always. again i know other people’s lives are more full than mine. well i assume so. anyway. we spoke on the phone. we were there when the other needed i think. i try hard not to need people. like not to call them or burden them with my issues. i try real hard. but when she needed me i was there. not to say i’ve ever needed her and she wasn’t there. because that isn’t the case at all. 

recently we planned to move to chicago together. a whole chain of events happened and now we aren’t. i’m still moving and i’m pretty sure she is too. just not together. the way it happened is really fucking with me. i don’t wanna get into it bc of privacy and shit. but i will say that i am hurt. im really hurt and im confused and im beating myself up over some shit that everyone keeps telling me isn't my fault. feels like my fault though. that feels like the only explanation. i dont know.

i’ve been thiniking a lot. about friends and how i never really had any. i just spoke to people so i wasn't alone or sometimes i just spoke to no one and made myself be okay with it. and now i have this group of friends and we’re like family. everyone that is my friend currently is my family. all of my friends i have currently i made over the internet. and i was bothered by that im not even gonna lie. it felt good to still have ahmani bc i would see her more than i see my other friends. i still have some i didn't meet yet. idk i just.. im the only person in my like personal life with internet friends. like in my family. and i felt like i just fed the fact that my family thinks im not even the least bit “normal”. then i started to feel bad. because it felt like that meant i was ashamed of my friends.and i’m not. i love them. i dont wanna lose any of them any time soon. and i’m realizing i dont need anyone’s approval to make those friendships “real” or valid. because they are real and valid to me. 

but yea i dont think ahmani and i will be friends anymore. or if we do end up being friends again, we probably won't speak for a while. i don’t know what that means. but losing a friend sucks a whole lot and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 

[screams-4-memes]

Happy Suicide Prevention Day!

I'm just gonna type out my own little thing about my experiences with mental health struggles and such.

***Warning, sensitive topics will be touched on such as suicidal thoughts/attempts, self harm, etc. etc.*** I don’t get too in depth or in detail about those things, but they are at *LEAST* mentioned throughout this big ol thing. So please, don’t read if you’re easily triggered or not in a good state of mind! Love you, babes! Take care of yourselves <3

 So, I've dealt with depression and anxiety since 6th grade. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts since about 7th grade. Since a couple years before I experienced these things first hand, I've had loved ones struggle with these things. I had friends who were suicidal (one friend was a year younger than me when I was in 5th grade. Such a young age...), and one or two family members too. Here's my story. 

Since I was young, my self esteem was never a stable thing. Was never really high. I was never taught was self esteem WAS and I didn’t understand the concept of “taking care of yourself” other than the standard taking showers and drinking water. In about 6th or 7th grade, it was at one of its worst points. I didn't take care of myself. I spent too much time online and trying to make myself "useful" by taking care of others and making their problems my own. I thought it was my responsibility to make my friends happy and make sure they had no problems. If they were sad or angry, it was my fault. If they were depressed or suicidal, it was all my fault. If they self harmed or attempted suicide, my fault. I tried taking care of others to the point of my own self destruction. When I was about 12, I thought about dying a lot. I was in so much pain, I didn't know why I was still alive. But then, I beat myself up over thinking that way. I called myself a selfish, useless piece of shit that couldn't do anything. My grades weren't what I wanted them to be, either.

 Looking back, I see now that they were above average and I'm proud of my poor little depressed self of being able to do that while struggling so much, but back then, my perspective was worlds different. It wasn't good enough. **I** wasn't good enough. 

It didn't matter what anyone said - not that I had a LOT of people trying to convince my otherwise. (Don't get me wrong, there were people who loved me and told me how much they did. There just weren't many/any adults who got me any serious help or gave me constant support or guidance that a preteen needs at that already tough point in their life.) 

Every day was a struggle. I didn't want to go to school and it wasn't uncommon that I'd wake up and just cry until I had to go out the door and walk to school. I spent the entire morning WAITING for lunch when I could sit with the very, very few people I was comfortable with in my school. The only people I didn’t have to fear about excluding me or talking shit behind my back or attempting to hit me with a hockey stick in gym. (That happened once, actually. “Funny” story...)

 I knew I should have talked to an adult, like the school social worker. I was terrified for many reasons. My expectations for myself were too high. I was afraid of being a disappointment to the social worker. The social worker was such a kind and sweet lady. I looked up to her. It would have only made my mental health worse if I disappointed an adult role model and thought they would have thought less of me for my struggles. I was also terrified of her telling my parents. They would have yelled at me and ranted at me for hours STRAIGHT. It would make me want to kill myself even more.

But, the pain got unbearable. Unfortunately, I only talked to her near the end of 8th grade: my last year in that school. I told her about my struggles, or at least a sugar coated version. It was a step in the right direction. I wasn't ready to tell her I was suicidal. I didn't want her calling home to my parents. I wasn’t an adult yet, so she was legally obligated to tell them. My parents already had a bunch of things to deal with. Plus... to put it gently, I didn't think they would have done ANYTHING that would have benefitted me or anyone else in this house. I don't exactly remember any actions being taken. 

But, it was a very big first step for me. I realized that talking to someone about my feelings isn't a bad thing, although it is scary. I wasn't being a disappointment by talking to an adult about it. I wasn't being a bother or a burden. My feelings are important and will affect my future and current quality of life and health. So, high school happened. It was... stressful, although I was able to meet a lot of people like me. LGBT+, nerdy, anxious, depressed... etc. I was finally out of that small, harsh, judgemental preteen community that was middle school. The fact that high school was so much larger took a big weight off of my shoulders. Throughout my years in high school, I learned to cope with my depression and anxiety a bit better.

 Anxiety-wise, I gotta admit that freshman year and sophomore year were hell. I hid from my anxiety and constantly tried to avoid things that made me anxious, like homework and socializing. But, junior year is when I started getting out there. Getting uncomfortable and becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. I became a lot more outgoing and open with people and this has led to me becoming so much more happy. 

Although, there was an event that hit me very, very hard sophomore year. A classmate committed suicide. I knew her. But, not well. I remember noticing her and noting how pretty, outgoing, and funny she was. I really wanted to talk to her, but I thought she would be one of those popular people that would have felt really awkward talking to me. I didn't want to bother her. But then, one day, she was gone. I felt so, so much guilt. I blamed myself. I knew it wasn't my fault nor responsibility, but I knew I had the potential to talk to her. But I didn't. I knew what she was feeling to some extent. I cried so, so much. Hell, I felt guilty for even crying. I didn't even KNOW her, but I was still grieving? I beat myself up a lot. Then, somewhere between sophomore and junior year, I started getting urges to cut. I thought about how useless I thought I was. I thought about how much of I burden I might have been to people. My anxiety often convinced me that all the people I loved were only tolerating me. I thought they thought I was annoying. I thought they thought I would be lonely and soon dead without them. I thought they'd all be better off without me. 

Once, I attempted to cut myself. It didn't work. I used to scratch at my skin until little blood spots would pop up. Junior year, I started having panic attacks, too. I started realizing my different triggers for them. Something as simple as being startled can trigger a fucking panic attack TO THIS DAY. It's... frustrating. Sometimes my panic attacks get so bad that my mind goes blank and the next thing I know, I look at my wrist, it's all red and blotchy.

 But, high school wasn't just my mental health getting worse.

I had a counselor throughout my 4 years there, Mr. King. In my opinion, I thought he was the kindest, most understanding counselor out of anyone there. Freshman and sophomore year, I was a bit hesitant and scared to open up to this many I barely knew. But, I gradually opened up to him more and more. After a break up with a VERY toxic significant other, he offered to sign me out of some of my classes to just sit in the library and calm myself and relax. He said I could just chill in the counseling office at any time I needed, too. Even after being vulnerable with my struggles to him, he respected me as not only a student but as a strong young adult. That meant so, so much to me. I honestly believe he was a huge help along the way of my mental healing. He wasn't just one of those school teachers that IMMEDIATELY calls the kid's parents. He understood my situation and how dire it could have gotten. He will have my neverending gratitude for that. He supported me when I couldn't even bare sitting at a desk and listening to what a teacher had to say. 

Also, I have my friends to thank for being there for me when I was too scared to go to a counselor. They are my family. I can't count how many times I've broken down crying and they were there for me, or they knew they couldn't help me and walked me to the counselor's office. I remember the times where I was too scared to go alone, so I asked a friend if she could come with me. She did. I remember when my friend asked me how I was doing one day, and I just started crying. He hugged me. A couple people flocked around and asked what was wrong. He told them to go away and that now isn't a good time. (Bless him. Being the center of attention when you're crying IS THE WORST.) He and another friend ended up walking me to the counselor's office. My friends were there for me when I wanted to just kill myself and when I thought I was the most useless human being in the world. They were there for me when all I wanted to do was maul myself and completely dysphorm my entire body (and lemme just say, being trans + chubby doesn't help with that. At all). They became my reasons for living when I couldn't live for myself. They've taught me it's okay to not be okay. They taught me I don't NEED a reasons to feel depressed. They taught me depression is just like asthma (which, I also have. Hahaha). 

I can have all the reasons in the world to be happy, but still not be happy.

I can also have all the air in the world to breathe, and still suffocate.

That's just how my body works, and that's okay.

So, to this day, I'm still struggling. But, I'm making strides. And considering the circumstances, I'm proud of that. I've made attempts to help not only others, but also myself. Although my self esteem might not be where I want it to be, and although my depression does keep me from doing a lot of things, I've still made it this far. I used to be painfully shy to the point where I couldn't even go out of my way to compliment someone or ask someone for help or order some food from a restaurant. Now, nearly every day I'm out, I'm complimenting someone. Now, I'm asking for help or talking to someone pretty frequently when I'm not okay. Now, I AM the one taking orders! I GOT 2 JOBS THROUGHOUT MY LIFETIME. DESPITE THAT ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION. 👏 So. That's basically my story. I'm still healing and still struggling, but things have gotten significantly better over time. And yeah, sometimes it feels like I'm back at square 1 again. But hey, progress isn't straight.And neither am I. ;)

[lettersfromstrangers-blog1]

By the time I realized what it was it was all I knew

To no one in particular, 

Everything seems to make so much sense in retrospect. But when you’re there, it seems like wave after wave with no concept of the ocean. 

In a way, I think I’m lucky. I’ve been struggling since I can remember; I’ve gotten really good at dealing with it. But on the other hand, I can’t help but think about all of the things I’ve missed out on. 

I guess I should start at the beginning. Looking at my parents, one could tell that I was going to be pretty messed up. My mother endured the abusive nature of her own parents. She never learned what love meant and she is always paranoid. My father was raised in a strict household but ended up a train jumper. My mother “adopted” him while she was in college and thus the chaotic relationship began. Drugs, avoiding the police, emotional manipulation, and romance. Surprisingly, my parents were married and owned a house, albeit in the middle of nowhere, before I was born. They passed down some good traits, some mediocre ones, and a high chance at problems with addiction and a predisposition for poor mental health. 

I moved to the city right around when I turned 2. I don’t have many memories, before then, and I think living in the same city most of my life has done me some good. When we first arrived, we stayed with my parents' friends before securing an apartment of our own. I was an older sister now so I always had someone to play with and protect. But I guess our little nuclear family wasn’t perfect. My mother thought that she was in a loving relationship, but when she started seeing my brother and me reenacting their fights she realized that this wasn’t right. She found God and stopped drinking, using drugs, smoking, and drinking coffee all at once. But my father didn’t have the same change of heart. So we left. 

I remember when my mother told me we were going to leave. I went into my room and packed up all my clothes and was ready to go. I was not even 5 years old. When my father told me that my mother was taking my brother and I away, his tears on my face, I just sat there.

And so we left and I never saw my father again. We moved a lot after that. I went to the same school and had my mother and brother but it was still a lot of change for a little girl. I was very quiet and probably quite anxious even back then.

Things were alright for a while. I only have a couple of bad moments from elementary school. On a trip to visit my grandpa when I was about 9, I had a very interesting experience. He lives off a lake in a nice house. One night, my mother brother and I were all asleep in the same bed. I woke up screaming and crying. It felt like I was on the ceiling looking down at myself and I couldn’t do anything. I woke up the next morning with a crippling fear of fish and anything else that lives in the water. Awful inconvenient when you’re visiting a lake. That was about 10 years ago and I still get an anxiety spike even looking at a picture of a little fish. 

The worst of it came in middle school though. I had attended the same school since kindergarten and I was petrified of change. But at the same time, the school I was in was really hard and I didn’t think I could keep up with it. I visited the local public middle school but it was so big and I knew no one their and I think that’s when I had my first panic attack. 

I continued going to the school I knew and it wasn’t as awful as I had imagined. At least not work wise. I started feeling tired most of the time. I felt physically ill and it felt like the bones in my forearms were numb and freezing cold. In the 7th grade, I had a really tough literature class that did not work well with my mother being in college again and us getting home late every night. I would set an alarm for 3 in the morning, do my homework, and if I was lucky I could go back to sleep for a little while. That alarm caused me so much panic, I wouldn’t even dare to listen to it again. 

In the 8th grade, things went from tough to worse. My brother started having some serious issues of his own and that coupled with the constant social exsertion really hit me. I was the strong one but I was barely holding on. I thought I was just weak. I missed so many Fridays from school because the week had completely destroyed me again and again. I got my first C on a math test. I slept too much or not at all. And then the year was over and I had made it.

But then the thought of high school was crippling. I had gone to the same school for 9 years and I was comfortable even if I hated it. But a new school that was so big was terrifying. But I selected classes, toured the school, and bought supplies. I even went to school the first day. I had decent teachers and reunited with an old friend. I sat with nice kids for lunch. It was the best I could hope for.

I couldn’t do it. My brother had already decided on attending an online school the year I started high school, and after attending for a couple of days, I asked my mother if I could do the online school instead. That school ended up being a really bad match for our family and my brother and I ended up being “homeschooled” for a year. With my mother gone all day every day we didn’t do much learning. I didn’t talk to anyone other than my mother and I very rarely left the house. My appetite was all over the place and I spent hours doing practically nothing. I slept a lot. That’s all I really remember.

I missed a year of my life. 

The next year, we enrolled in a new online school and that actually went really well. I had earned 3 high school credits in middle school, so I was really only half a year behind. I still barely left the house, but I would go to meet my teacher a couple times a month. I started talking to a couple of the kids in my neighborhood and started going outside. It was during this time too that I learned about mental health. Looking through site after site I was so shocked to see how many things I thought were my own defects were parts of actual illnesses. Even now, I’m learning about symptoms that I was experiencing. 

I started creating a routine and the depression started to fade. I got comfortable and I was happy for almost year. 

Around the end of my first year at the new online school, my teacher advised that I should apply for their early college program. I was just settling into the school and I really liked it, but I applied and made it in. I attended some meetings and went to the community college a few towns over to take placement tests. I learned the 2-hour bus route and registered for classes. It wasn’t really in my mind. But the summer started to pass and I got scared again. The Friday before I was supposed to start classes I completely broke down. Another panic attack, this time in front of my mother. I quickly dropped my classes and signed up for the ones online. I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t sure if I would ever be. 

As this was going on, my 16th birthday was approaching. My neighbor and friend was a couple of months older than me and had gotten her first job. She really wanted to work with her friends and one day, she called me out of my house, took my ipod touch and filled out the better half of a job application for me. I called my mother and was almost in tears when I said: “I think I just applied for a job.” I think this is when the anxiety really came in full force. I interviewed, called, got lost on the bus and ended up with a job. I was so scared but part of my fear is that I won’t be perfect. So even though I was scared I was a really good worker. And it’s amazing how quickly desensitization can set in. At work, I became close to more people my age, as well as some folks who were older, and I wasn’t as scared. The norms of teenagehood were fascinating to me but not things I wanted keen on partaking in. I lived through my friends. I thought I was better. 

I continued with the online school and graduated on time. Part of me wishes I would have attended this school my freshman year so I could graduate early but part of me is just proud that I didn’t let that dead year stunt me too much. 

The thought of college came up again. I was scared to try again, but I was more scared of not. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life. I’m not sure if I do yet. But I thought college would be a good place to figure it out. This time I would be within walking distance of home, and I had a friend to take a class with. I geared up, registered for classes, and actually showed up the first day. And then the second day. I actually really liked school. I made friends. I made good grades. And I was still working a lot. But the anxiety was always there. It still is. I get all riled up so frequently. I’m happier now though, I know a lot more about myself. I know that when I’m anxious, I’m anxious. I’ve learned healthy coping mechanisms. I allow myself 2 times a year to truly break down. 

I’m not better. I’ve just learned to deal with it. It tells me that I won’t be me without it. That feeling can get really suffocating. But looking at how far I’ve come in the last few years gives me hope that I can go further. It’s a lot easier to try when you don’t want to be dead. Whenever it gets bad I remember that I’ve been through worse and made it out. I don’t partake in bad habits that would be a toxic band-aid over my life. I’m quite frankly proud. 

It sucks. It makes you physically ill. But every breath you take is a fight against it. When you push yourself an inch, you’re telling it that it can’t control you. And that is so powerful. It might be a fight in your head but it’s really a matter of life and death. Don’t let it win. You’re here for a reason. You are so strong

[argonapricot]

all of them!!!

shovelthefries said: ball of them

Femme or butch? I’m really kind of in the middle! Recently I’ve been aspiring to be more femme

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it. Ummm I like... pretty eyes, pretty hair, nice and charismatic and creative, older girls are fun, musical girls are fun...

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets? Honestly I WISH I wore leather jackets all the time, leather jackets are hot and badass and dressing up as Molly was immensely fun, but my current status is probably plaid button-up gay Aspiring to leather jacket gay

Describe your styleA one-stop ticket to SCRUFFSVILLEjk um really-scruffy-black-sneakers-with-holes + jeans/baggy shorts that sometimes make me really self conscious + mostly-pretty-plain t-shirts/a couple tank tops + my bra straps slip like all the time + the one ring necklace + mostly-but-not-always-scruffy shortish hairRemember when I was going to look super edgy and badass my whole senior year, that would’ve been Awesome

Describe your aestheticTired, comfortable lesbian who’s ready to Walk Places and Draw Things and Play Some God Damn Viola

Favorite article of clothing?My urinegood company shirt from Urinetown, obviously

Favorite pair of shoes?I own three pairs of shoes and one of my sandals has vanished so now it’s two and a half pairs of shoes. Uh. My sneakers are the. ones that I wear.

Current haircut?I’ve been procrastinating on getting it cut since the summer started! I think of it as “dandelion mane” but it’s really really not as exciting as that sounds

Any haircut goals for the future?FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK yeah I’m gonna go back to Classy Bob!Julia hair before the semester but I miiiight let it keep growing out until then

Describe the best date you’ve been onI’ve had a lot of lovely dates!

Describe the worst date you’ve been onI can’t think of one!

Single? Taken?Massively single and untaken

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!I know it makes sense for all of these gay ask meme things to ask about actual romance but uh I’m running out of ways to express that I am tragically single

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?Likes me! Likes other things, that she is passionate about! Preferably some nerdy things in there! Is okay with cats! Will snuggle with me! Will kiss me! Maybe can play music with me? Or draw things with me? It would be nice if she wanted to do Shabbat and stuff with me.

Describe your dream weddingI really!!!! want to have a wedding!! I want to wear a wedding dress and maybe grow my hair out so I can do something pretty with it. I want there to be Jewish Things. And pretty music. And nice weather and pretty flowers and maybe outdoors? And my friends are there. And then cake! and dancing! Lots of dancing, and Chair Time

Do you want kids?I waver a lot but I think I’m on the yes side of that continuum?

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?A four-room apartment joint 

Favorite lesbian movie?It’s likely to be Disobedience if I EVER GET TO SEE IT troubled sigh

Favorite lesbian novel/story?Lesbian-cinderella made me really happy, other gay novels by that author have also made me really happy!

Favorite lesbian song?I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry, 5000%

Favorite lesbian musician?m y s e l f :o

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?Clarissa told me in seventh grade that there’s a stereotype that lesbians like hazelnut coffee, and to the extent that that stereotype is real, definitely that one

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?There was that great time Emma’s mom came into Emma’s room and introduced me to someone as “Emma’s friend julia” while I stood there trying to act like my bra was Definitely On 

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?She should trail her fingers across my lower back and murmur “elves” into my ear

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?The being-attracted-to-women part is pretty top notch

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?I’m very a cat person!

Turn ons?Lots!

Turn offs?Some!

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?I have never asked anyone out, but I feel like... technically I have never been asked out either? Just kind of confessed-to-and-sometimes-then-negotiated-with

What is your dream career?Drawing Nerd Stuff

Talk about your interests or hobbies!I like ELVES and also a bunch of other fictional characters and stories and things! I love consuming content about those characters, and sometimes also producing art about them! Languages are awesome, viola is awesome, drawing is awesome even if I don’t do it enough!

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?Umm I don’t know! There are two many attractive things. Help.

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?I swoon easily, I think it does take time to get really close. I love long-term.

Ever fallen for your best-friend?You could say that!

Ever fallen for a straight girl?I sure thought I had

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)Neutral!

Favorite comfort food?I have the capacity to be comforted by many foods. Bubble tea is one, nice warm soup is one, probably a bunch of pastries...

Coffee or tea?Historically coffee, but theoretically tea

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?None of the above

Do you have any pets?Two felines!

Early-riser or night-owl?I used to be both, but this past year I started demonstrating the capacity to sleep in! I love to... not be super depressed

What is your sign?Capricorn

Can you drive?You know what I actually pretty much can

Who was your first lesbian crush?Uzuki was the first crush that I was like, aware of and experiencing as a crush, and also the first serious one, but evidently my first lesbian crush was Lucy from fifth grade!

At what age did you know you were a lesbian?That would be 12!

At what age did you come out (if you have)?I started coming out days before my 13th birthday, and it’s been kind of a continual process as I meet new people ever since!

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?Always

Talk about how your day wentI went to therapy and cried about feeling inadequate, it was a partyI also made good progress on a commission, which is genuinely good and exciting

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the futureI would like to make friends, get a girlfriend, be good at school, be good at menial tasks, figure out what the hell i am doing with myself and what I am even aspiring to

Least favorite gay celebrity?I don’t know, I don’t think I’m invested in disliking any gay celebrities? But maybe I’m forgetting something

[silentasasongbird]

This is a very, VERY long post about my struggle with mental illness.

I’ve always tried to be fairly open about things that have happened in my past, because I feel like now, that I’m older, if I’m open about my experiences, then maybe someone else out there that’s had similar things happen won’t feel so lonely. However; I’ve been debating with myself for this whole month whether or not I should discuss things in complete open honesty, and I finally convinced myself to do it. SO I’m gonna take it way, way back, and go through some experiences, stories, tips, etc. TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SELF-HARM, SUICIDE, and probably other stuff that I’m missing. I will also edit ALL names in this, to keep privacy for those who may not deserve it, but earn the right regardless. 

Ever since I can remember, I’ve ALWAYS experienced life through extremes. I was a very adventurous child, with my joy being so exuberant, my temper so short-fused, my sadness so explosive. But I never, ever realized that it wasn’t how everyone was supposed to feel. Even as a kid, my little crushes on people were so extreme and my rejection so devastating. I was bullied as a kid, too, often times making friends with kind of the odder (but ultimately better, and kinder) classmates. I wasn’t HORRIBLY teased. I wasn’t ever beat up, I wasn’t thrown in trash cans, just enough that every day school was a source of anxiety. I lived on a boat for about three to four years in elementary school, and it was during that time that I was beginning to know what like.. crushes and feelings of that nature were, and I was about 11/12. There was a neighborhood kid, Steven, who was best friends with my older brother. My brother has about four years on me, his friend maybe six? This person was someone who helped babysit me, helped watch over me while my parents worked. I was about 11, he was 16 or 17. He was my first kiss, before I even really fully understood what kissing was. He often touched me in ways that I didn’t KNOW were wrong until later, when I’d do them with a lover. Every single time it felt scary, it felt not okay, but he was like a brother to me, and I figured it was fine. So that was my catapult into the realm of adulthood, which launched me into middle school. 

Middle school for just about everyone is a weird, confusing experience. It was probably a little more confusing for me because I learned that not everyone lives in extremes, and not everyone also loves and crushes on everyone equally. I realized that there was a name for how I felt about people, and it was “bisexual” (Later, after becoming more educated, I learned that I actually identify as pansexual, but life was pretty narrow then.). My body was also changing, as it does for everyone at that age, and with it, my mental health took a serious, immediate drop. I was internally a minefield, just waiting for the moment that my brain and body would completely fall apart. A friend had showed me what cutting was, and I immediately took to that, burning and cutting my body, a thing that stood with me for at least 10 years after that. (I’ve been self harm free for about a year, and I’m 24.) I devolved an eating disorder, and lived with anorexia for years, and I still to this day struggle with it. I fell in love with people often, and when those feelings weren’t returned, or things ended, I lashed out, mainly at myself. And this WHOLE TIME I thought these things were normal. That everyone goes through them, I was just an angsty teen, and I’d get over it. I felt ashamed that everyone else was handling things fine, that everyone else felt the exact same way, and how weak was I to not be able to manage it? I was also a compulsive liar, often fabricating extreme stories to make myself more interesting, because I was so terrified that everyone was going to realize what a wreck I was if they knew what my day to day life really was. The only thing that got me through it was writing songs and poems. I loved music, and loved reading and writing (still do), so it was an excellent outlet for me. The things I wrote were often dark, and graphic, but they kept me alive. One day, a teacher found one of my darker poems about sexual assault, and police got involved. My parents and I both agreed that I should be transferred to a better school. 

When I started highschool, things were very normal for highschool standards. I had been learning how to hide my cuts, how to better hide my emotions, but I wasn’t perfect. I fought with my friends, and I was often terrified of being in a new place without any friends at all. I was overjoyed at any attention I’d get from boys, often falling for those who weren’t the best for me. My first serious boyfriend, Mark, was a guy I dated in 11th grade. I was horribly abused, daily, by this person. Primarily emotionally, and mentally, but he would also throw chairs at me, scream in my face, and pull my hair. Living life as his girlfriend was a never ending nightmare, with me experiencing anxiety so strong, that every. single. day. I would throw up, sometimes multiple times a day. Some girls in my drama troupe thought I was bulimic, but I was so terrified of my self and him that I was physically ill. I’m 5′, and I dropped to a weight under 100. I couldn’t keep anything I ate down, and my hair started falling out. My teachers allowed me to sleep through my classes, or put my head down and silently cry, because they would hear Mark screaming at me outside of classes. Half of my drama troupe put me through hell, insulting me as a cry baby, as a “drama queen” because I was barely holding onto myself. He took my virginity, after I told him repeatedly that I didn’t want to have sex yet, and after vomiting for half an hour, while I lay on the ground sobbing. He absolutely convinced every part of me that that was what love was, and that was who I was going to marry. He would go out most nights, late into the night, to sleep with other women, while telling me I was crazy and making things up. He realized that he could use my mental illness against me, and he did at every chance he got. I often only got two or three hours a night of sleep, as he wouldn’t let me go to bed until he said I could, and would often fall asleep before allowing me to.

I was in hell, for about seven months, and a lot of this stayed with me even to today.

I eventually met someone new, and was semi-happy, not understanding that just because someone is kind to you, doesn’t mean you have to love them. I moved away for college, with my mental health declining more and more with every day. I was unable to attend classes, often laying in bed for days at a time, with my at-the-time fiance coming home, finding me just laying in a bathtub, completely clothed with cold water on for no reason. I wouldn’t leave the house, wouldn’t let him have friends out of fear of abandonment, and one day, he came home to find me hanging from a belt in the closet, just passed out. Another time, he woke up to me throwing up a handful of pills that I had only taken enough to get sick off of, not die. After this, he had one of his only friends, and one of the only people I knew and trusted in this new life of college, watch over me. They would take turns, placing me on a kind of suicide watch. It was easy, as I would often just lay in bed, essentially catatonic. One day, his friend, Jason, got extraordinarily high and started kissing me. I didn’t move, didn’t react, didn’t say yes or no, just laid on my side, like a corpse. And he fucked me. I say this as vulgar as I say this, because it wasn’t kind. It wasn’t loving, it wasn’t even friendly. I was depressed, with matted hair, an un-showered body, and un-brushed teeth, and he did whatever he wanted, and I didn’t stop him. When he was done, I just for once, in probably days, got out of the house, and drove him home. My fiance came home, and I was crying, and told him what happened. The next day, when Jason came over to see us, my fiance confronted him, and Jason broke down crying, admitted what he did. I watched my fiance hug him, comfort him, and admit to him he understood, as I was such a pain in the ass to look after. A few months later, my fiance ended things, and moved away. 

 Almost every relationship I had in college was a mess. I was unstable, with every day becoming worse and worse. But I had a solid group of friends, for once in my life. Two friendships that had survived through middle and highschool (shoutout to Kallen and Regina, usin’ your real names here because you’re the goddamn MVP’s) and some college friends, I was, externally, managing fine. But I was sleeping with anyone who would show affection, often times sleeping with people who had partners, and I didn’t care. I just hoped that anyone would give a fuck about me. When one or two of them actually did, I was impulsive and destructive, hurting them badly by cheating and leaving them. One time when this happened, I realized what a monster I was, cut myself all over my body, and went to jump off of a bridge onto a freeway, or in front of a car. I told a friend what I was doing, and she called the police. I stayed on the phone with another amazing human, who that friend had told what I was going to do. 

 I was walking around the streets at 3 in the morning when the cops found me, handcuffed me, and took me to the hospital.In Florida, they can hold you for 72 hours if there is probable cause that you’re a danger to yourself or someone else. Having proof of texts on my phone and cuts on my body, I was held in a hospital unit for those full 72 hours. I was taken to a room, given a syringe of a clear liquid, and a handful of pills that TO THIS DAY I don’t know what they were. I was exhausted, and they stripped me down and took photos of my naked body, of my tattoos, cuts, eyes, anything that was recognizable, I guess, if I ran away.

I was so, so terrified every second I was there. No doctors would speak to me, and I was given medicine three times a day and never told what it was. I heard people screaming, every single night, and tried so hard not to sleep, but was forced to by whatever medicine I was given. I lied, every second I was in there, so I could get out. I was so, so good at it, with years of practice, and they believed me. I met with a doctor, finally, on the day of my release for SEVEN MINUTES. Seven minutes was the only amount of time I saw anyone other than a nurse or another patient. After seeing a cross in the doctors office,  I pretended I was highly religious, and I finally saw god’s light, and how I was going to make it okay. How I only did these things for attention and he believed me. And let me go.

I was forced to take exit counseling with the university after that, where when a doctor asked me what I had been diagnosed with in the hospital, and I told her I was never told, and that I saw the doctor for seven minutes, she called me a liar, and that they had diagnosed me with major depression, and my memory was failing me. Which, is funny because to this day I remember every single second in that psych ward. I was terrified to contradict her, and I didn’t want to be forced back to the hospital. I eventually got permission to see another therapist, who I saw for two months, and genuinely taught me a few good coping mechanisms. After being put on several different medications, and seeing different therapists and psychiatrists, I got the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Finally, after years of questions and no answers, and suffering SO MUCH, there was a name. I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t losing my mind. I could make it through. If other people live through worse than me, I was fucking going to live.I started going to class. I worked full time, and went to school full time.

When I got into an abusive relationship, he gave me a black eye after three days of dating, I left. It was exhausting, it was painful, but I did it. I was healing, and I was coping. I was living day to day, yes, and I was still relapsing, but I wanted to get better.

One day, my best friend became my boyfriend. We moved out of the shitty town that had shitty memories on every street, and we moved across the country to Ohio. We got engaged, I was getting better every day. We got married, I was getting better every day. We lived at the Grand Canyon, I was getting better every day. We just three weeks ago moved to California, and I’m still getting better every day. I still relapse. I still wake up in the middle of the night from the bad dreams. But when that happens, it feels like I’m just swimming underwater, not being held down and drowning.

I’ve still had suicidal thoughts. I still have to deal with jumps from extreme joy to extreme anger. Julian and I have codes for my days, moods associated with colors, and he’s patient. And I’m patient with myself. I try to be kind to myself, and I try to just still live day to day, but I have a future that I see and I want to get to. I paint, I sing, I write songs. I cut hair, I color hair, I take photographs. I do anything to help me get through the bad times, but I do them.

This is mental illness awareness month, and I’m here to say that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I’m managing. And I can’t wait to see what tomorrow is going to bring, every single day. 

[idosurveystovent]

7.

Adam: Is there a secret you’ve tried to hide from everyone for a long time? 

I have a lot of secrets. A lot of stupid shit that I am ashamed of. But nothing really major at all.

Alex: Have you ever been confused about your sexuality? 

no

Alli: What are the best and worst things a significant other has ever done to or for you?

Best: Seth literally saved my life. He got me to sober up from several addictions and he has always loved Makena like she was his biological daughter.  Worst: I am torn in between my first husband walking out on me suddenly because his dad paid him to...orrrrr My second husband that was kinda abusive. One time that sticks out is when he tackled me in his living room in front of his parents, his new girlfriend, my mom and seth (my current fiancé) because I took an ornament off the Christmas tree that I thought belonged to me. No one tried to stop him or did shit about it either. lol

Anya: Have you ever tried drugs? yes.

Ashley: Have you ever changed your image? 

I've dyed my hair, gauged my ears. and that's about it

Becky: Have you ever stepped outside of your comfort zone to do something you thought was right? 

I probably have...but its not something I would typically do. The borders of my comfort zone are STRONG

Bianca: Have you ever experienced an intense event that changed your perspective on something? 

yes

Cam: Have you ever had to stay strong and hold on during something that caused you physical, mental, or emotional pain? 

when my son died. who knew that keeping that shit bottled up is harmful

Chantay: Do you like to gossip, or do you prefer to keep your mouth shut? 

I am a terrible gossip. I'm sure its just a matter of time before I lose my job over it. I work with a bunch of dramatic, crybaby 30-40 year olds. its ridiculous 

Clare: Are your parents divorced? 

well not technically yet, I don’t think. they are separated though, since late 2016

Connor: Do you consider yourself intelligent? 

semi intelligent

Craig: Have you ever run away from home?

nope.

Dallas: Do you put family first, friends, relationships, school, or something else?
 family (my fiancé and daughter)

Darcy: Have you ever fallen for someone you never thought you’d like?
 yes.

Dave: Have you ever had a very rough breakup? 

sure

Declan: Do you like to date people casually, or do you prefer long-term and exclusive relationships? long term for sure.

Derek: Have you ever judged someone before getting to know them, or the other way around?
 yes.

Drew: Are you athletic or do you play any sports? 

I am like the least athletic person in the world, although I did play softball until middle school

Eli: Do you suffer from any mental disorders?

tons. bi polar, add, depression, anxiety, and PTSD

Ellie: Have you ever self-harmed?

yeah. when I was young and thought it was like cool or something

Emma: What’s something you’ve stood up for in the past?

nothing comes to mind

Fiona: Have you ever tried drinking? 

yea

Holly J: What’s something you worked extremely hard to get? 

nothing really.

Imogen: Do you have any beloved pets?
 yes. a pit-chow that I rescued from the pound when I got sober. we have ashihtzu right now that we are babysitting for my dog that we were thinking about keeping but that tard has pissed in my floor like 20 times since sunday night and I am ready to kill him. and then I brought home a solid black kitten two nights ago. his name is Bagheera

Jake: Are you the outdoorsy type, or would you rather stay inside?

inside

Jane: Have you ever cheated on anyone? 

yes

Jay: Have you ever changed yourself permanently for a guy/girl? nope, I don’t think so

J.T.: What’s something you’ve had to step up and take serious responsibility for?

my daughter of course, my rent, car payment, insurance, credit card bills, groceries, electric, internet, water............

Jenna: Have you ever done something drastic to gain the attention of someone you were interested in? no.

Jimmy: Have you ever forgiven someone that may not have deserved it?yeah. I'm way too fuckin nice

Johnny: Have you ever told a serious lie to anyone?

I'm sure I have

Katie: Are you satisfied with your body image?
 no.

K.C.: How is your relationship with your parents?
 it’s whatever. I don’t really fuck with them as much as I should but their divorce had me majorly fucked up for a minute

Liberty: What do you want to major in in college, and where do you want to go? 

n/a

Luke: What’s your religion? 

baptist

Manny: Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory?
 yes lol

Marco: What’s your sexuality? heterosexual

Marisol: Do you look out for others over yourself, or the other way around?
 i usually put others before myself.

Maya: Have you ever had to deal with the loss of a loved one?
 yes.

Mia: How many kids do you want to have? 

I will only ever have one :( I had a stillborn baby in 2011, had my living daughter in June 2012 and got my tubes tied right after that because they never figured out why Bryson died and also, the pregnancy is extremely rough on me. 8+ months of strict bedrest plus 2 weeks of hospital bedrest, until I have baby. And I have to have surgery with each pregnancy

Miles: What’s the last extravagant purchase you made? 

computer?

Mo: Are you scared of any aspect of the future? 

blah...not really. shit happens. there will be good times and bad times. 

Owen: Have you ever been involved in bullying, whether it was the victim or the bully?
 not really. 

Paige: What’s the number one thing about school that overwhelms you?
 i don’t go to school anymore. I’m 28 lol

Peter: Have you ever seriously taken advantage of someone or been taken advantage of?
 no.

Riley: Is there anything about yourself that you really want to change?
 yes!

Sean: Have you ever gotten into a fistfight?
 no. never been in any real fight, if you don’t count the abusive men I liked to date and the time my mother in law tried to beat me up and throw me off of her tall ass porch

Spinner: Have you ever been seriously ill? no. flu is the worst thing I have ever had

Terri: Has anyone close to you ever hurt you, physically or emotionally?
 emotionally. I have been physically abused before but I would much rather be hit than being told how much I am a lazy piece of shit. bruises and shit heal, but those comments and things that are said when we are mad or drunk or whatever....that shit stick in my brain so much and I can’t get it out and it tortures me to the point that I just want to die because if the person who was supposed to love you says that you are all these things, just imagine what everyone else thinks.

Tori: Have you ever befriended a former enemy? 

idk probably

Tristan: Do you consider yourself up-to-date with all the latest gossip, trends, movies, etc.?
 not really

Wesley: Do you drive? yes.

Winston: Do you feel like people notice you?

I would prefer them not to

Zane: Have you ever had to help someone through a very tough time in their life?
 yes.

Zig: Have you ever liked someone else while you were in a relationship? 

yeah

Zoe: Do you dream of being famous and living the high life, or do you prefer living more quietly and not in the spotlight? living quietly. I would HATE the spotlight

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #154

“the wind is screaming, it’s screaming your name; it sounds like fear.”

What is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?  nononononoNONONONO. Last time you puked from drinking?  Never. What books, if any, have made you cry?  Johnny Got His Gun, Old Yeller, The Outsiders (I think; I know the movie did), The Notebook, uhhh others, I'm sure. Does it get annoying when somebody says they’ll call you, but doesn’t?  It depends on the person, but honestly, almost never.  I hate talking on the phone. What is your favorite simple ice-cream flavor?  Usually vanilla, but sometimes I'm all about chocolate, especially if I can't put chocolate syrup on it. When was the last time you slept on the floor?  Jeez, probably when me and Jason did at my house.  I've slept on an inflatable mattress since, but I'm guessing you mean literally on the floor with blankets and such. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?  I dunno.  I doubt it really, but don't potatoes have all the nutrients you actually need to survive?  If so, then probably that, but otherwise, uh.  I dunno, I'd get tired of things or die 'cuz I'm not getting what I need. I could say shakes, but I consider those drinks. Have you ever given someone oral sex?  Yeah, fucking hated it.  I'm bi, yes, but visually, penises are disgusting to me.  I don't want it in my mouth.  I only ever really did it to make him happy.  I'm open to trying it with a girl, but who knows if I'd like it. What's your favorite lyric from the last song you listened to?  "Hey, hey, NRA, how many kids did you kill today?" ("Shelter In Place" by Otep) Are you friends with someone that has a baby?  My best friend does. How many different towns/cities have you lived in?  Three. Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity?  No. How many pets do you have? Would you like any more?  Six, and I kinda want another snake to breed with Venus when she's big enough.  I want to keep at least one of the babies to help with Sara's snake breeding passion. Is there a song you can’t stop listening to atm?  Oh yeesh, yeah.  I've fallen in love with Powerwolf recently and thus play a number of their songs repeatedly. How many bedrooms does your home have?  Two. How many times do you use a bath towel before washing it?  Once.  Annoys the hell out of Mom but like, I feel like there may be leftover germs I'm getting off + maybe dead skin 'cuz my skin in dry as fuck??? What time do you usually eat dinner?  This can vary from 6:00 to like almost 9:00.  I can't cook and Mom works late, so.  I'll make my own microwavable things if I can't wait for her to make something. Do you know any narcissists?  Jason????? Dillon????? dat u???????? Have you ever been falsely accused of something serious?  I don't believe so? In which were you happiest: elementary, middle, or high school?  Elementary. What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid?  Video games. You can bring back one dead pet to life. Which one?  Cali, for Mom.  She misses her so much. Rock, paper, or scissors?  I think I usually do scissors. Who was the last person to ask you out? Girt. What are your favorite pajamas you have? My purple, black, and white Jack Skellington ones ahhh What’s your least favorite ice-cream flavor?  Strawberry is disgusting. Do you prefer it when it gets darker earlier?  NOOOOO.  This is totally inverted from how it used to be, but I'm more likely to feel down when it's dark. Are there a lot of cookbooks in your house, or just a few? Or maybe none at all?  Mom has tons she never uses. Who are your godparents?  I don't think I have any. Can you touch​ your nose with your tongue?​​  No. What brand is your toothpaste?  Crest. Are you currently broken out?  No. What was the last hotel you stayed at? I dunno. Do you have a favorite NASCAR driver?  No. Eyeliner. Yes or no?  If I wear makeup, that's the bare minimum. What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make?  Let Jason go or continue to let what we had ruin my life. Where is the last beach you went to?  Myrtle Beach, NC. Have you ever been rock climbing?  Nah, not interested. Have you ever played Gamecube?  No. What has been the biggest event for you to overcome?  Recovery.  It changed me for the better so much. Do you have a favorite pet?  No one can beat Teddy.  I doubt any pet ever will. When someone drops something do you immediately go and pick it up for them?  If I’m close, unless they're already reaching for it, yes. Could you call your best friend right now and tell them your biggest secret, and trust them to keep it?  HAHAHAHA NO tbh.  I love her, but she tells people everything. Have you ever played Wii Fit?  Yup.  Everyday one summer, lost 40 pounds, got in great shape. Have you ever touched a caterpillar?  Yeah, loved picking up the ordinary ones as a kid. Is there a YouTube channel whose videos you always watch?  I will watch literally any video Mark makes. How often do you feel lonely?  This is like.  Almost a daily struggle. Do you struggle with depression?  I'm diagnosed with it, but it's well-controlled now! While in a relationship, do you ever think about its possible end?  I worry about it BADLY.  Even in my current one where I feel completely secure, I have some spans of "what if" anxiety. What is the worst treatment you’ve had to put up with from someone else?  Ummmm.  I dunno. What’s the longest you’ve gone without eating?  24 hours, probs. Do you like watching music videos?  No.  I just care about the music. Which, if any, drug have you ever abused?  None. Do you know your mail (wo)man?  No. Honestly, are you often high-maintenance/hard to please?  No. Are there any flags flying outside at your home?  No. Will you vote in the next presidential election?  If the remaining candidates don't fucking suck, yes. Tell me about someone that you know dislikes you. What do you think is about you they don’t like?  The one person I know doesn't is my best friend's mom, but I can't tell you exactly why.  There's no telling what Colleen told her after our fight, but.  Colleen has told me her mom thinks I could "hurt" her son somehow.  I was fucking livid.  I adore that boy and would do anything to protect him.  Oh yeah, know she mentioned I was a bad influence, too.  But hey, the hate is mutual, I've never been able to stand her. Tell me about something you’re afraid of. Why does it frighten you?  Getting heartbroken again.  Last time tore me the fuck apart, I seriously don't know if I could do it again.  Worst pain I have ever experienced. Is there someone you could hang out with all the time, without ever getting bored of them?  Sara <3 Have you ever liked someone else when you already had a boyfriend/girlfriend? What happened?  Yup, first high school crush Sebastian.  And nothing really happened; he was taken (though I'm pretty sure he had at least mild feelings for me too), though it was at a complicated point.  Then I met Jason. What mountain ranges have you seen?  The Appalachians. Where would you most like to go in your state, etc that you haven’t been?  THERE'S AN ABANDONED WIZARD OF OZ-THEMED PARK IN THE WEST AND I WANNA VISIT. Have you ever seen or touched an iceberg?  No. Where was the most remote location you’ve ever been to? I dunno. What is your most unhealthy habit? Not exercising? Has your house ever been damaged in a storm? A tree fell on our old house during a hurricane.  It didn't cause severe damage or anything, though. What’s the least amount you’ve weighed since reaching your full height? ~118.  Hilarious. Do you think it’s cruel to keep an animal in a cage while you’re away?  Depends on the size of the cage and how long they're staying in there. Are you scared of reptiles?  Not at all. Does death scare you?  Not that much. Do you use a comb or brush?  Comb now that my hair's short. When you were younger, did you ever do that exclamation point that looked like an upside down triangle and had a really big dot?  No. What kind of relationship do you have with the last person you kissed?  She's my girlfriend. Are there things in your life that you’ll never be able to get over?  If I could get over my breakup, I can get over anything. Have you ever turned to smoking or drinking to solve a problem?  New Years of 2017 I actually did try to get drunk for that purpose. Would you mind dating someone significantly shorter than you?  No. What’s on your bedside table? Yeesh, a lot.  A fan, a basket with all my meds in it, sketchbook, notebook, my folder full of things from Holly Hill as well as my therapy homework folder.  There's other miscellaneous stuff too. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?  This is pathetic, but probably like... no amount.  My life sadly revolves around it, just about. What are some things on your holiday wishlist?  Always tattoo money lmao.  But I'd really love a drawing tablet, but a decent quality one.  Can't have both. Who accompanied you to your first concert?  Jason, Mom, and Nicole. What’s the temperature outside?  Phone says 79.  Gonna get to 90, though. Have you ever been in detention?  Yes, too many tardies getting to school. Do you wear black to look skinnier?  Not for that reason, but it's a plus lol. Do you have scars on your wrists?  You can barely see them, but they're there. How about anywhere else?  Yeah, quite a few. Do you post things on Facebook that are personal?  No. Has the last person you kissed ever taken their shirt off in front of you?  Just to change it. Would you ever get in the passenger seat of a car with someone who’s been drinking?  Fuck that. What is a topic you definitely don’t want to talk about with anyone?  How I'm 99% sure I lost my virginity. What is the craziest hairstyle and color you’ve had?  Style, probably what I had before this where I had short hair on most of my left side and it faded to long.  Color, purple. What was your first gaming console?  Original PlayStation. Which fictional villain is your favorite?  Um obviously Darkiplier???????? What’s the last thing you’ve made with your hands?  Hm.  Dunno. Which hair color would you never want to have?  Yellow. Who’s the last person you talked to about sex?  Sara. What is the wallpaper on your phone?  My lock screen is a heavy reminder that I am still straight as fuck for Mark, home screen is my favorite pic of me and Sara. What was the last thing you wrote down?  Stuff at the tattoo/piercing parlor to get my tongue done. What is your least favorite color?  Puke green or olive. What’s the most boring sport to watch?  Golf.  Sara, don't tell your dad I said that.

[always-mimits]

Life (Idk how to title this)

My first real post is gonna be heavy. Just a warning. I'm finally going to write this post. I needed to wrap my head around it and distance myself from it slightly. Things like this honestly hit me harder than I like to admit, it’s hard for me to know someone I had so much love and respect for is gone. It’s even worse when it’s through cancer like Alan Rickman or suicide like so many, now including Chester Bennington. I’ve always had a love for Linkin Park, it honestly helped me through a lot of personal demons. So it’s even harder for me since his music helped me not do exactly what he ended up doing. This has got to open a much needed dialogue of mental health and the reality of depression. I know it’s not easy to try to truly understand something as complicated as depression when you have never experienced it, but it’s necessary for progress. You don’t have to understand every little thing about it, but what you must do is open your eyes to the truth that it isn’t something that can be fixed by smiling, putting up a front. The only thing that does is make it harder for people to hear your screams for help, they think you only want attention, when what you really want is someone to try to help you, have someone reach out to you. You might never understand the power of a simple interaction of care, but as someone that has depression, I know how beneficial it can be to have someone simply smile at you or compliment you. No that won’t cure of us of this illness, but it might help us hold on long enough to finally begin to heal and turn our life around. Depression isn’t fake, despite what people might think, if you haven’t learned that by now looking at all the beautiful people that have ended their lives thanks to this monster that is constantly belittling us, beating us down, I really don’t know how to get you to understand. Everyone keeps saying I had no idea, none of us were expecting it, but actually go back through their music and it’s not like he’s hiding his serious struggle within himself. No one likes to acknowledge the problem/truth until it’s too late. And that just worsens the pain for people like me, the ones that know the truth and try to get others to understand it. Depression is a real thing, it terrible and hard to handle, but with help we can all begin to heal and keep going forwards even while the beast that is depression is trying to pull us back and down. People tend to only see what they want to, so they will look past obvious struggles of others around them. I get it, I do, I’m not trying to offend anyone, or make it seem like it’s your fault, it isn’t but you could save a life, I just want you to realize that. It’s really important to try to see things from others point of views, that way you can understand more and just maybe try to help them. I know how easy it is to just walk by and ignore the person that is struggling, but what is easy isn’t always right. I want to impress upon you all the importance of doing the right thing in this situation, you could help someone hang on long enough to actually keep going. I’m not pretending to know everything or make it seem like a saint, I just want to make people see. I definitely have tried everything to help as many people as possible though. I’m the type of person that will bring all the struggling people together and try to help them build themselves up again. I grew up around it and I think that is part of the reason that I’m more than willing to bend over backwards to help others living with this and other really difficult illnesses. My brother and I both have had depression since we were young, so I’ve spent a lot of my time trying to help him keep his head above the water, though I’ve almost lost him at least twice that I know of. He’s my big brother, I can’t lose him, so seeing it in him helps me help myself and many others. I will never give up on someone, no matter the situation, I’ll try everything in my power to help in any way that I possibly can. Yes I do thing like this to help others, but it also helps me with my own depression, we all have different way of dealing with our depression, they’re not always healthy, but they’re our way of pushing forwards against the odds. I’m not condoning nor am I judging the way other people deal with their depression, I have no right to judge considering I use to cut myself and the only reason I can say I use to is that I haven’t done it in over a month. Thing are difficult there is no sugar coating it. This shit is hard and it takes a lot of work to keep going, but I promise the effort will be worth it. Things will suck, but things will also be amazing beyond belief, so you just have to find a way to keep going. There are a million ways to deal with it, you can be like me and help others, you can be like others and turn it into some form of art, you can find something that drives you, you can lean on people, or something else that might help you. I definitely don’t claim to have all the answers, no one ever does. But I promise that I’ll be by anyone’s side when they need me, no matter what it takes. I know the pain of going against this monster alone, I don’t want anyone to feel that way. You’re not alone, you are never alone, someone out there is supporting you, whether you know it or not. Any of you reading this need someone to talk to I will be there in a heartbeat. Another thing I want to say is there is either a stigma about actually taking medication to help or deciding it’s best for you not to take the medication. If you are one of the ones that feel like you need to take the medication, good for you, you do what’s best for you. Never let anyone tell you that it’s not okay to be taking care of yourself, you might only need it for a short period of time or you might need it for years to come, but either way that’s okay it’s your journey to recovery and no one can tell you how to take it. And alternatively if you feel like it’s better for you not to take medication, then that’s okay too. Some people don’t do better on the medication, other things might help them, like certain vitamins or exercise or other activities that may help you move forwards. Like I said before this is YOUR journey, you decide what’s best for you in the long run, you can listen to people’s advice, but in the end you're the one with the final say. As long as you’re trying to get better, you do you. Take care of yourself the way that works best for you, you might have to try a whole bunch of things until you find what works, but it’s worth the effort. Taking a step in the right direction is the first milestone on your trek to overcoming this beast that’s trying to drag you down. Don’t let it, it won’t be easy, but it’ll be more than worth it. There are people that care and want you to get better, and honestly I do care 100% I’m that person that really cares about anyone, unless they do something I can’t look past (which honestly isn’t much). Truthfully you need someone I’m always willing to talk. The door is always open I guess you can say. And to show you that it isn’t only my brother that I constantly try to help so you believe me when I say you can reach out to me. My bestfriend that I had all through middles school and half of high school until he left and cut ties, was severely depressed and many times came to me to talk him out of taking his life, I did it every time without fail, no matter what he did or how many fights we got into, truly I was always there for him and he knew it. Not once did I hesitate to care for him, even when we dated and he cheated on me with a close friend, nothing change the simple fact I would do anything to help him. Along with him and other friends I’ve had like him, my boyfriend is depressed, extremely so, I do worry for him. But I believe that together we can find a way for him to survive this last year that he has to spend in the place that makes him the most unhappy. After that we’ll find a way to keep the progress going. I knew getting into this relationship that he had depression, did I know how bad it was? No I did not, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m more in love with him than I thought possible. He is an amazing beautiful human being, being depressed doesn’t change that fact. It just adds more layers to the man I love. Never think that being depressed ruins you or your appeal, you are all beautiful human beings and you are worth the world and so much more. I know that’s hard to believe but it’s the truth. You are all incredible and I believe in you. You will find a way to get through this. You will overcome this. You will find a way to be happy. The depression might never fully leave you, but you definitely lessen its hold on you. There has already been so much loss and death, we don’t need anymore. Please reach out to someone, even if it’s me when you feel like ending it. I promise you it’s not worth it to end it all. There is still so much for you to accomplish and see. Don’t give up. Never give up, never surrender. You are beautiful incredible and needed. Keep that in mind please. People love you people care for you and people want you to survive this monster. Even if you don’t think that people do, they do, hell I do. I’m telling you the truth I’m more than willing to lend an ear or a shoulder to anyone that needs it. Please take me up on that if you need someone. I care about each and every one of you. I guess I should end this here, but just know I’m always here and I care about all of you.

[skruffie]

I’m in a weird (but good!) place right now.

When Zack was visiting in March, we went to this psychic* woman who did a couples reading for us. It was a very positive experience for us and she seemed genuinely happy to meet us and have us come by. She said she could see some job prospect stuff coming up for Zack and a few moments later said to me that nothing new was coming up. Since I’d been looking at job postings for a while, it was a bit UHH to hear but I didn’t panic. I can stay on at my current job for a while, as imperfect as it is.

More wheels started turning and I realized I’m in the middle of a couple choices here: keep doing what I’ve been doing and searching for something full time with good benefits that I qualify for, or... go back to school and complete my Associate’s degree while working part-time. It’s just an Associate’s but I feel like having a degree would still open doors. It would show that even though I’ve had a long gap between when I left college and going back to complete it, it shows that I completed it and I guess that’s a hard thing to do!

(under cut for length and talking a bit about emotional abuse and trauma stuff. my usual fare)

I have a really hard time talking about my history and my feelings surrounding education because it’s rooted in much earlier trauma. The emotional abuse and neglect that I experienced in school and at home at the most vulnerable time of my life has been following me for 16 years and it had a direct negative impact on being a student. By 9th grade I had essentially given up so I had very poor grades in that grade and in 10th. I started to kinda pull it together in 11th grade and barely stayed afloat, but even after passing my senior project and everything, I did not have enough credits to graduate high school on time. My high school counselor was effectively useless and the only option he could offer me were these packets of assignments that were equivalent to credits. I don’t remember how many I would have needed, but what I do remember is we had much less money at the time and my parents could not afford the amount. I was too poor to graduate high school on time.

When you come that close to the finish line and then find out that you have another lap to go, after you had being held back used against you as a threat when you had been a vulnerable kid with grief and emotional problems? Fuck, dude. I did my 2nd round with a school-home program where my classes were either online or from a book and I met with a teacher once a week, and I graduated with the local high school where I didn’t know anybody. People always go “At least you graduated!” and I have never been able to see that as an accomplishment because it took me an extra year.

I wanted to take a year off before starting college because I knew I had unresolved trauma issues with school, but since I was still on my parent’s health insurance, I had to be a full time college student to remain eligible. So I went, full-time, and predictably I spent about 2.5-3 years not passing all my classes because I didn’t get a chance to settle down and ask myself what the fuck I was doing. An AA is supposed to be a 2 year degree. My major Actual PTSD Causing Trauma happened in my 2nd year of college.

I stopped going to college because money ran out and I got a tiny bit of time not doing anything before getting my job at Target, which is where I still work. Having this much time to just work a part-time job, get some money, and do other shit--make new friends, start a serious relationship, that sort of stuff--has helped me grow up a lot more. Even though I’ve been dealing with worse depression symptoms than I did in the last several years, I feel more ready to try college again. I’m equipped with more knowledge about my emotions and trauma reactions, I don’t have to be a full time student and

what is especially important to me

I am at least willing to accept that the fact I’m 27 and trying to do this doesn’t make me a failure or embarrassment or a loser. I can acknowledge that it is pretty okay. I’m trying to accept it fully but it’s so hard. Emotional abuse follows you your whole life.

One of the teachers at the college came in shopping one night a while back and asked me when I was coming back to school, and you know what she did? Instead of lecturing me that I was just making excuses to not finish my degree, she gently challenged them. She was showing me that there were solutions to the reasons I was giving and I knew she was right, and I felt safe in this conversation. Then she said that she would be my advisor.

I think I’ll try to give her a call soon, just to get that conversation started again.

--

*RE psychic stuff: I was really into this when I was younger (as seen in my still-current interest in tarot) and my mom is into it--a bit more than me--and I always have a soft spot for woo and psychic things. She bought the couples reading for Zack and I as a gift for my birthday.

[a-dinosaur-a-day]

Answer them all

I should have seen this coming, in retrospect

1. What’s your middle name?

Caroline

2. What are you listening to right now?

As per the last ask; The Violence by Rise Against

3. What was the last thing you ate?

A candy hug (I haven’t had breakfast yet)

4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

My Dad

5. Do you drink?

Occasionally, but not heavily 

6. Do you smoke?

Gd no

7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone?

Their excitement about whatever it is they’re talking about

8. What is your hair color?

Brown

9. What is your eye color?

Hazel

10. Do you wear contacts/glasses?

Yup

11. Dogs or cats?

Neither

12. What’s your favorite animal?

Living? Orca whale. Extinct? Maiasaura

13. What’s your favorite television show?

Orphan Black

14. What’s your favorite movie?

Jurassic Park

15. What’s your favorite band/singer?

Rise Against

16. How old are you?

24

17. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Since I’m in a fairly serious long term romantic relationship, I dare say I do

18. What’s your sexual orientation?

Pansexual

19. What’s your favorite color?

Aqua

20. What was your most embarrassing moment?

As per the first ask: 

At one point I was trying to get Max ( @plokool) to get a new hobby and I wanted to talk about putting ships into bottles

What I said was “putting jars into bottles”

At any rate, Max still makes fun of me for that

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else?

All the time, to be honest :/

22. What were you like when you were a kid?

Quiet, I read a lot; very much a know-it-all; got bullied a shitton

23. What would your dream house be like?

Small, with lots of books and birds; and lots of windows so I can look outside

24. What last made you laugh?

Max saying something cute

25. What is your favorite word?

Compassion

26. What is your least favorite word?

Oligarchy. I don’t know why

27. What turns you on?

As per the first ask: Kindness, empathy/sympathy, passion about one’s hobbies, getting excited about things, being nerdy; some physical attributes 

28. What turns you off?

As per the first ask: Cruelty, a lack of willingness to understand, an inability to modify one’s opinions, willful ignorance; not listening to me when I talk 

29. What is your star sign?

Leo

30. What are your favorite books?

Harry Potter (the whole series); Pillars of the Earth; Ishmael/My Ishmael by Daniel Quinn

31. Do you have any siblings?

5 (4 older sisters, 1 little brother)

32. Do you like to dance?

Eh, not really

33. What is your definition of cheating?

Doing something romantic or sexual in nature with someone other than your partner, and you have not agreed to an open or polygamous relationship with them. Having feelings for someone else, but not acting on them, doesn’t count. You can’t help feelings. 

34. Have you ever cheated on someone?

No

35. Do you regret anything?

Tons of shit. Lots of things. 

36. Do you have any phobias?

Spiders 

37. Ever broken any bones?

Nope

38. Ever come close to death?

Yeah

39. What is your religion, if any?

I was raised Catholic. I am currently not Catholic, and am converting to Judaism through the reform movement. 

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?

Yeah, since my freshman year of high school

41. Are looks important in a relationship?

Eh, they’re important in initial attraction, but not really after that point

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad?

I like to think I’m an even mix of both

43. What is your favorite season?

Fall

44. Do you have any tattoos?

Nope

45. Do you have any piercings?

Earlobes

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

Just the two

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

All the fucking time

48. Who is your celebrity crush?

None?

49. Are you a virgin?

Nope

50. Do you get jealous easily?

Eh, only of people who’s lives I wish I had, not of like, friends of Max’s or anything

51. What is your favorite type of food?

Italian

52. Do you ever want to get married?

I’m iffy on the concept but Max and I are eventually going to get married, yes

53. Who was your first kiss with?

My first boyfriend

54. Have you ever been cheated on?

As per the first ask: Probably? The first person I dated was a chicken who refused to break up with me even though they wanted to be with someone else, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they cheated on me before breaking up with me. 

55. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Going to the Field Museum or some equivalent and spending the whole day together looking at fossils :D Alternatively, the zoo, but looking at birds

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

I honestly have no idea. I need alone time to “recharge,” but too much alone time makes me ridiculously depressed, so both I guess. 

57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets?

Decidedly. 

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with?

Eh, I don’t think we’re really born with talents. People may have more of a propensity for this or that, but in the end it’s all about what you stick with. 

I wish I had stuck with piano playing more, or with drawing, but I didn’t, which is my own fault. 

59. What is your saddest memory?

Some stuff that happened to me in High School. Or another, equally terrible event in college. I don’t want to bum everyone out about it. 

60. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Gd no. Lust yes, but not love.

61. Do you believe in soul mates?

A part of me does

62. Have you ever dyed your hair?

I dyed the end of it blue last summer! I kind of want to do that again sometime

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?

A lot in high school, sadly 

64. Would you go against your moral code for money?

Right now, given money is very tight, probably :/ But otherwise no

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you?

- I fucking love trigonometry - I enjoy reading the Foxtrot series of comics - I have an unfortunate caffeine addiction 

66. Who are you jealous of?

As per the first ask, Various internet personalities who are actually making decent money from their work in science communication; actual paleontologists 

67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?

Too many of them. I have an addiction to stuffed animals

68. How long was your longest relationship?

Max and I have been together for over four years now

69. Is the glass half empty or half full?

Half full

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

I feel like the correct answer is not appropriate for this blog; buuuut honestly just taking an interest and listening to me when I talk about the things I enjoy and am excited about? is a PG answer I suppose

71. Who is your most loyal friend?

Probably Max? But also my friend Sara, whom I’ve known since the sixth grade. We went to different high schools and colleges but we’re still best friends. 

72. Are you in a relationship?

Yup

73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

How excited he gets when he talks about his hobbies

74. Are you a bad person?

I like to think I’m not

75. Are you a lover or a fighter?

Lover

76. What did you do on your last birthday?

Went to the zoo with friends!

77. What is your favorite quote and why?

“Nothing in Biology Makes Sense Except in the Light of Evolution” ~ Theodosius Dobzhansky

78. If your best friend died, what would you do?

Oh gd. Since my best friend is Max, I don’t really want to think about it. It wouldn’t be good. 

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?

How I handled my mental illnesses. 

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?

Spend it with Max

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had?

I once had a very long and elaborate set of dreams in which I angered the Capitol and as such had to design a Hunger Games in which all my loved ones were the competitors. It went on for like, a week, and spawned various inside jokes, as @a-sleepy-dinosaur can testify

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship?

I’m happy in my relationship

83. Who were you in a past life?

Probably some sort of bird

84. What is your happiest childhood memory?

Watching dinosaur documentaries with my mom

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

All the bleeping time

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend?

Yup!

87. If you were the president, what would you do?

Prioritize science & environmentally friendly policies 

88. What is your ideal career?

Honestly? I’d like to be the bird/feather-evolution equivalent of Neil Shubin, if possible

89. What is your political affiliation?

Generally liberal. Most of my opinions are similar to that of Bernie Sanders. But I hesitate to call myself a Democrat. 

90. Are you conservative or liberal?

Liberal

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection?

This is a very stupid question given trans individuals and the fact that gender =/= biological attributes.

92. Do you like kissing in public?

Definitely!

93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change?

Make people better able to consider the humanity of those not in their in-group

94. Where would you like to live?

Edinburgh

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation?

Scotland XD

96. Describe yourself in one word.

As per the first ask, Tenacious

97. Describe yourself in one sentence.

As per the first ask:

(I know this is a double negative but it’s a stronger statement than doing the positive equivalent)

There has never been a subject I didn’t want to explore to it’s completion.

And I guess I won’t answer any more of these xD