#I'm gonna pass out now I think

[frostbite-the-bat]

i need to share the funniest jackbox quiplash moment ive ever experienced in my life, truly the best birthday gift

thx 4 the fun time gang @spamtoon @fungusfoxart @grahamnesspaysur

[bacchuschucklefuck]

forest 02

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[rainedroptalks]

greta hayes deserves a solo where she's a cringefail college student who also leads souls to their afterlives on the side, and maybe she solves murders every now and then. i'm calling it dead girl detective- hey wait where are you going

[human-encounters-diary]

Day 15

We are set to arrive on Fendaar in two cycles. As we are currently stuck on the SIIR Noxos, I have concluded that the passages of time that I am free of duties would be best spent continuing to observe the human. The human, on the other hand, seemed to have different plans in that matter, as it took me an unusually long amount of time to locate her.

As I eventually found her, she seemed to be working on one of the control panels in the main control room, so I may excuse her absence with duties she had to attend to. As she saw me, although, she seemed rather…excited (this is obviously mere speculation, as the study of the Terran so far has provided far too little evidence to prove such theories)?

As she rolled out from under the control board and sighted me, her face once again split into a wide opening revealing her horrifying amount of teeth.

"Hey! Dude!", she said, raising to her full height and stepping towards me, still baring her teeth, although I did not recoil, as I did not want to seem impolite. She raised her arms, each pointing into a different direction, away from their connection to the human's body.

"Human Quinn. How are you?"

"Me? I‘m fine, the whole 'wandering around in space' thing just made me throw up, I honestly don‘t know why they insisted on keeping me there for two whole days."

The ends of her fingers, studded with claw-like (rather short and rounded instead of sharp, perhaps they were not meant to function as claws at all, or perhaps the beings on Terra were far different from what I knew, and therefore a shape like this was far more useful to hunt) protuberances, scraped over the back of the connection between her head and her upper body. If I interpreted her facial expression correctly, she seemed to be thinking.

"Maybe I got a light concussion too, I’m not entirely sure. But it's improbable, because I’m fine now."

I decided to focus on one piece of information at a time. "Well, this "throwing up" can certainly not be a healthy nor normal process, otherwise, it would not seem so violently painful and involuntary, would it?"

"Well it‘s not…unnatural, it‘s just something that can happen. And about health, it‘s not unhealthy, it usually helps us to get rid of stuff that is bad for our bodies!", she eludicated, moving one of her arms in a rather random manner.

"The scientists have concluded that this fluid is highly acidic. If this 'stuff' is so harmful to you, wouldn‘t it just dissolve in this fluid before being able to cause any further harm?"

Quinn seemed to think about that. 

"Well, just because it gets dissolved, doesn‘t mean it‘s gone, you know? It's still in our bodies, and we have to get rid of it somehow. And if it needs to be fast, we throw up. Honestly, I‘d definitely explain this further to you, but Biology‘s never really been my strongest subject, ya know what I mean?"

I did not, in fact, know what she meant, but I decided against questioning her further.

After a pause the Terran spoke up again: "So, this planet we're landing on..." "Fendaar.", I clarified. "Right. So, this planet that we‘re going to, it‘s a desert, right?" "That is correct." "So, is it a sand, an ice or, I guess you could also count rock desert? 'Cuz on my planet, we‘ve got all of those types."

"Fendaar‘s ecosystem is mostly made up out of sandlike landscapes with rather scarce vegetation and biodiversity. Most of the planets in system 36-54 have rather extreme temperature ranges, and Fendaar is no exception.", I eludicated.

"Alright, cool.", she spoke, rolling back under the underside of the control panel she had been working on previously. She seemed to be sitting, or rather lying, on a piece of metal with four small wheels attached to it, allowing her to move it around.

"Your planet.", I initiated. 

"Yeah?", she responded, while continuing her work on the wiring.

"Am I assuming correctly that your planet has a far bigger biodiversity?"

"Oh, yeah.", there was a small spring in her voice, as if she had let out air in the middle of speaking. "Big biodiversity. We‘ve got deserts and rainforests, coral reefs and permafrost - although perhaps not for that long anymore - mountain ranges and all that stuff."

"Interesting.", I supplied, for lack of a better response. If Terra had such differences in temperature and landscapes, it was a logical conclusion that the humans had evolved to survive under such circumstances.

"Yeah."

It was unusually quiet for some time. That was, until Quinn rolled out from the underside of the control panels.

"Alright, I‘m done." She took a deep breath before opening her mouth once again. Then, all of a sudden, the muscles of her face started contracting as if she was plagued by an invisible pain. Her eyes squeezed shut and she let out horrifying noise, holding an arm angled in front of her nose and mouth. The noise itself was not particularly loud or long, but I recoiled either way, as a measure of safety. I could not be certain if this gesture was meant to harm me, after all.

Quinn‘s arm sank down again as her other hand rubbed at her nose. She huffed, a sound far less threatening than the one she had produced a moment ago. One of the hair patches above her visual organs raised itself, prompting the question to arise if human hair was controlled by muscles or if it had a mind of its own, although this was a question that could be further investigated later. One of the corners of her mouth raised, revealing the seemingly sharpest teeth in her mouth.

"I guess dust is an inter-galactic thing, huh?"

I did not respond. Her face muscles contracted, causing the skin above her visual organs to crease.

"Hey, you okay? You‘re looking a little spooked over there."

"Human, I do not wish to cause you discomfort, but, if I may ask, what was the purpose of the noise you just uttered?"

She did not respond for a moment, blinking with both of her eyes as she stared at me. It was quite unsettling, considering her previous explanation, that most humans preferred not being stared at. 

"I…sneezed?" The creases in the skin above her eyes deepened.

My front pliers uttered another rattling sound. "What is this 'sneezing'? What purpose does it serve?" I admit, I was quite curious. Terrans seemed much more complex than I had previously assumed.

She paused, seemingly to think of an answer. "Well, it‘s like…if something is bothering us at or in out nose, like dust, for example, it‘s kind of the natural response to that. To keep things out of our bodies that don‘t belong there."

"Human bodies seem to require a lot of defense mechanisms.", I commented.

She raised and lowered the connection of her arms to her upper body, baring her teeth once again while raising herself to her full height, using one of her arms as support.

"Y’know, it’s surprisingly hard to explain something you’re so used to to someone who’s never heard of it. I guess I still have to work on the whole 'awareness that I‘m around aliens' thing. S‘ kind of surreal."

She patted off her clothing, as if to remove non-existent filth once again. I had noticed the past few cycles that most of her clothing seemed to consist of several, usually differently-coloured, pieces of fabric. 

Her clothes usually covered her body from the connection between her arms and torso to the connection between her legs and, presumably, her feet. Her feet were usually also covered, although I could not determine the purpose it was supposed to serve in the environment we are currently in, although the theory that the conditions on Earth are vastly different compared to the ones on the SIIR Noxos is gaining more probability, based on the Terran's narrations.

The human seemed to evaluate a question she wanted to ask (this is, of course, a mere speculation based on previous observations: her face muscles were contracted to form a crease over her visual organs, which could so far most likely be interpreted as confusion, thoughtfulness or discomfort; her head was both slightly raised and tilted to one side at the same time, a gesture that was most likely supposed to convey an ongoing thought process).

Although, before she could utter a noise, V-7 informed us of a request from the Vitrichl to gather for a matter of importance.

The purpose of his summoning was to divide the crew into several smaller groups that were to be assigned with different tasks to fulfill once we sucessfully landed on Fendaar.

I was grouped with the Terran, which was unsurprising, as well as Tkzt, a member of the species that is widely known across the galaxies as Ctzas (it is to note that the Ctzas have not evolved any form of written language and communicate exclusively through clicking and chittering sounds. The written forms of, for example, names of this species, are written by other species to produce approximately the same sound as the Ctzas make when recited verbally).

Tkzt, as a member of the unit controlling supply chains and keeping a list of the stock of the SIIR Noxos, would make a helpful addition in our task of seeking out the nearest settlement in order to stock up on supplies.

After all matters of importance were settled, the crew dissipated, continuing their respective tasks. The Terran was ordered to stay and to assist the Vitrichl in another matter, which is the reason I did not cross paths with the human again for the rest of this cycle.

Despite this, I am positive that accompanying the human on an foreign planet will give me a further insight into the species' mannerisms and interaction manners with foreign species, which will prove to be helpful further on in studying the human.

[front-facing-pokemon]

[b4kuch1n]

there hasn’t been real gold in this land for upward of a century now, but then. you must’ve seen all that before?

[pokimoko]

I have had it with these motherfucking spam bots on this motherfucking site.

[pochapal]

got a perfect grade in phd (officially)

[depravedangelbaby]

♡

[hungerpunch]

i see even comedy that doesn't typically "punch down" has circled back around to using crackhead/crackwhore as a joke. i'm so exhausted by you all. you are so cruel, so casually callous, it's worrisome. you don't realize how easily that could be you. you think you're so superior, so pure, so intelligent as if addiction cares about how smart you are or what you do in life. as if this entire country (usamerica) is not machinated in a way to get people hooked on painkillers. as if the docuseries industry isn't busting with expositions that reveal the wide-ranging sprawl of addiction here and exactly how manipulated we have been. as if loads of people in "white collar" jobs aren't addicts. as if loads of stay at home parents aren't addicts. as if addicts can't have pearly smiles and collect a paycheck. as if there's any real merit between the person who got into a party drug as an impressionable kid then couldn't stop and the lawyer who started doing coke to stay awake for 80-hour workweeks then couldn't stop and the unsuspecting patient who was prescribed opioids by a doctor then couldn't stop. there's not. no one is better than anyone else. addiction is leveling. equalizing.

and the worst part is you are one, too, you up there on your high horse. you're addicted to something. something in this world has its claws in you, its grip on you, that you want to stop but can't, that you could not stop without support. so shut up. shut the fuck up. the people you call crackwhores, meth heads, junkies, etc. they are real fucking people. we are real fucking people just like you. we are real people who deserve your fucking respect and compassion. we are just people who are trying to exist within a system that is trying to eat us alive, just like the rest of you. it's not cute. it's not fucking cute. it's not cool. stop fucking laughing.

[reanimatedgh0ul]

listen ik lance would NOT be the type of guy™ to watch a disney movie but ik for a fact that if someone showed him treasure planet (2002) he would relate to jim hawkins sm that he would basically turn into this lol

[afniel]

Maaaaaaaaaaaan, come on.

(the post has ended up in the tags btw. I am not changing this and I need you to understand that it is just me talking to myself semi-publicly)

[kakashihasibs]

I am so glad emergency vets are a thing

[themonotonysyndrome]

"Hey guys, it's 8r19h7 eYE2 here. Welcome to my first boss battle - a woman."

If you ask Bright Eyes - which no one is doing nowadays. Or talk to. So rude. - their ultimate weakness has always been hot women. Now you might be asking "Oh, does that mean you're Bi?" or "What's your body count?" or even "Holy fuck, Bright Eyes! When did you get in the shower with me!?" but that's not important. What you should be asking is what type of women Bright's heart explodes for like a car crash.

The answer? Preferably boss-ass bitches that can crush them with a pair of fuck-me-heels with daddy issues of the Frank Ocean level. Google it.

Oh and look! There's one here in Wonderworld! Shoes? Check. A scowl that can only mean the barista got her Starbucks order wrong again? Check. And when she steps away from the shadows, we hit the bonus round.

She's tall and her crown is pure platinum blonde. But like every white woman, she's hard to read but fortunately, Bright Eyes can so they check their text on Whatsapp (boomer apps gave them the hives) for any goddesses that are supposed to be on shift tonight.

Actually, let's go back a bit. Back to this morning when Sam accomplished the impossible and made Bright Eyes go 🕶️outside🌳.

"You know, I was counting down the days when you would finally kill me. I bet sometime this year. Vincent now owes me one of his Lambos. You think he'll be mad if I put some Barbie-friendly decals on it?"

"Bright, I don't mean now. I meant tonight at Wonderworld. Vamps in the Solaire Clan take turns patrolling the area."

Frederick pops into their head like an adorably fat mole. The Bright Eyes in their mind palace (it's actually more of a crack den but whatever) whack it with away because they know the unspoken reason why Sam approached them instead of his Progeny. And why he did so when Frederick was asleep.

But anyway, back to the present!

No hot white women were written in the text. Just a bunch of Vampires who form an anti-Bright Eyes committee™ as soon as they arrive. They ignore Bright for the most part which eventually leads the not-so-Newborn-anymore to the farthest end of Wonderworld where a babe is just chilling beside the vegetation-conquered carousel. Score one for the plants.

And the first thing that escapes from Bright's mouth is, "Good evening. May I inquire if you're a quirked up white woman that can bust it down sexual style so that I can get lost in the sauce?"

The scowl vanishes instantly. Like a father who went out to buy milk.

"Excuse me?"

Giddiness blooms like a weed (you know which ones) in Bright Eyes. She even has a Karen-patent tone! Could this night get any better -

Nevermind. Please wait for Bright's brain to reboot as an impressive set of badonkas-donkas is thrust in their face.

"Are you one of Sam's Progeny?" She didn't ask so much as demands. Like Bright and the world owes her something, everything. They wondered if they started panting because that's seriously hawt.

"I'm what you call a bastard of the magical kind meets with death via Vampiric jumpscare. And that's not a sentence I thought was possible."

Bright has to give blondie some credit; she takes their nonsensical answer in stride and with an eyebrow raised.

"I'll take that as a yes. You fit the rumours at least."

"You heard of me but I don't know who you are. You're hot but... sus. Do I need to eject you?"

"No surprise there. I bet Sammy did everything he could to hide you from me. He thinks he's protecting you, but all he did was made me curious."

"Aww shit, did the clapping of my ass cheeks give me away?"

"...Are you fucking high?"

"Probably. I had a shot of vodka with my honey milk boba tea with extra pudding and 100% sugar before I left. Fuck coffee when you can just meet god, amirite?"

The woman closes her pretty gold-ruby eyes. She exhaled and Bright could literally hear her mentally counting down.

"You're unlike any creature that I ever have the misfortune to come across."

"Uh, correction: you found me. And I still don't know if you're a quirked up white woman that can - "

"Enough. I get it. Are you usually like this when it comes to women?"

"Hey, I thought I would be holding in my rizz 'till the heat death of the universe! So who are you o' beautiful sour cream?"

"Careful, I can't tell whether that's an insult or a compliment."

"Sounds like a you problem, chief."

Apparently, magic does exist because despite the non-stop verbal trainwreck that's coming out of Bright's mouth, the woman's lips nearly twitch a smile.

"You're ballsy and stupid. I like that. The name's Alexis. A pleasure for you to meet."

Yes! Bright made it to Phase 2, bitch!

"They call me Bright Eyes, my IQ is the highest among the Redditors on the 'Am I The Asshole' subpage - "

"That isn't saying much."

" - And welcome to the ruins of Vincent's hopes and dreams."

Now that made Alexis burst out a gut. Seriously, she's clutching her stomach with tears in her eyes. It boosts Bright's confidence as a future stand-up comedian. Their 'flirting?' went well but Bright didn't sense the spark of interest within the older Vampire. Boo.

"Right. I've decided to kidnap you now. How accurately can you predict your... Grandmaker's reaction?"

"As accurate as my opinion on the Internet."

"Wonderful. I hope you like shopping and breaking the fabric of time and space on the highway."

And that, readers, is how Bright Eyes won against Alexis Getty-Solaire without getting Miyazaki'd.

[b4kuch1n]

tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

[fooltofancy]

figuring out an injection schedule through clenched teeth and a haze of tears 'cause if my body's gonna fuck something up it's gonna do it at the least okay time possible