#I'm mad at myself that i can't be productive at home

[penguinsledder]

Just another day of starting out the day hating myself!!!!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling mom to stop giving me unhealthy food and then refusing to say "I love you" back?

I (16, FtM) am autistic, for the longest time I struggled with eating different types of foods, in fact, i only started eating vegetables when I was 16 because my nutritionist told me to. Since I have memory, i've been teased by my weight, all my life. It led me to make decisions i'm not very proud of (like getting groomed at 8-9 years old), because of my low self esteem.

I've gone to the nutritionist a total of 2 times in my life, but in my opinion i should've gone more but my parents didn't seem to think the same. Both of those times the doctors told me I was a little overweight. They didn't tell me i was obese or morbidly obese which thank god because I would've broken down and kms (not really but even thinking of getting told that makes me anxious).

They did tell me to start eating more food other than fried food and other type of stuff. After the meeting, my parents started scolding me for embarrassing them in front of the doctor, but all i did was being brutally honest with her! I told her how my parents keep buying flavored water which has at least 2 stamps in it (The government makes it so that companies have to put stamps on their products saying what's exactly in it), so the only source of natural water is the one we boil ourselves, which i drink every time i do exercise. And also how the dinner mom makes is sausages and french fries, it's quick and easy. This last week I've eating that dinner two times and on the weekend i ate fast food for lunch, on Saturday and Sunday which means TWICE. By the end I was so worried i might have to double my exercise next week (so now) to balance it off. I felt really fat on monday so uh not a good feeling.

For my part, I've had this discussion with my P.E teacher, and she agreed to make me play basketball more so i can both exercise at home and more at school other than P.E class. I've also done the effort of eating vegetables (which due to my autism it was very hard at first but I've gotten the hang of it!) And doing more exercise at school.

But even when mom agreed to start feeding me more healthy foods, it's like she gave up. She's gone back to giving me the same lazy foods that are filled with cholesterol and grease, and every time i eat those it makes me feel worried. Tonight was one of those dinners and all i want is to get it out of my system (literally).

I told mom she can't keep feeding me like this if she wants me to lose weight, and she responds by saying "but what can we feed you? You don't eat anything else" which? Fucking excuse me? WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST MONTHS??? She always says that, it's like whenever i eat entire salads she fucking ignores me or something! It makes me feel so angry, fuck my efforts i guess???

I got more angry, but she's my mom, so i decided to shut up. Since i was getting ready to bed once i got comfortable she told me "I love you", which is a normal habit we have every time i go to bed. She says "i love you" i say it back. But this time I didn't, and she just sighed and closed the door.

Right now i'm really mad at her, but i recognize that maybe not saying "I love you" back was a bit too much, but if i have to stop saying it at all for her to understand I want to lose weight, then so be it. If she doesn't want to recognize im the only one doing the effort, whatever. I'm thinking of starting to refuse her food to make myself clear.

What are these acronyms?

[hiwataris-bitch]

My ESC 2024 ranking

Although I'm not as into ESC this year as I was the year before, I still wanted to do the ranking. It's kinda rushed since I have only listened to some of the songs for the first time yesterday, but my top 10 was established long before that so who cares. Anyways, here goes:

1-10 Best songs ever:

1. Finland - I LOVE THEM I LOVE THIS SONG THIS IS THE BEST SONG EVERYONE ELSE GO HOME. Finland sending banger again this year. My absolute favourite.

2. Austria - another huge banger, brings me back to early 2000s and I really love the lyrics

3. Poland - okay, look, I KNOW she doesn't sing all that well live. But I really like the song itself so let me have this one. It's gonna be a miracle if we qualify, but still I just like the song.

4. Switzerland - opera and rap in one song? I didn't expect myself to like it as much as I do, but it's just so catchy!

5. United Kingdom - another catchy song for me I can listen to on repeat (maybe slightly less than I can listen to Poland, but still good)

6. San Marino - great rock tune, another song that brings me back to the 2000s, although in a different way than Austria does.

7. Croatia - although they're only 7th on my list, I won't be mad if this wins, because just like San Marino, it is another solid, good rock entry.

8. Netherlands - you can clearly see my taste for crazy performances in this top 10, so it would be an offence if I didn't put the Netherlands here as well. It isn't my favourite, but still a song I like and enjoy very much.

9. Spain - okay, maybe the performance I saw on youtube made me put it higher than I would, I'm not really sure. But I have listened to this song quite a lot since it released.

10. Estonia - to complete my ultimate crazy tunes group for this year, they also closes my top 10. They make a perfect team with Finland, Croatia and the Netherlands. My top 10 would be just top 4 if it wasn't for some other songs that also turned out to be good..

11-20 Songs I like very much:

11. Albania - she was SO CLOSE to making it to my top 10, but I liked the other songs slightly more. Still, 11th place is the lowest I will ever put this song, because for whatever reason it really speaks to me.

12. Iceland - originally it was lower on my list, but after some time I decided it was way too catchy so it had to be moved up. It's really pleasant to listen to.

13. Czechia - I've read comments complaining she can't sing live. Maybe. But just like with Poland, I just like the song and you're not going to change my mind. Nobody listens to live versions after the contest ends anyway, unless they're rewatching the performances.

14. Luxembourg - tbh my places 12-14 kept being rearranged since I like all three of these songs almost equally as much. I am really happy to see Luxembourg return to Eurovision and I think they chose a great song for their return. It's one of the earworms for me.

15. Italy - just like above, places 15-17 kept switching for me. And although I listen to this song a lot, to the point I often skip it now when it comes on my spotify, I cannot in good conscience put it any lower. Even though I listened to it too much I still have to appreciate how good of a song this is.

16. Sweden - I've only listened to it today, but Sweden brings a high production quality this year as well (honestly, what'd you expect from them?). It is a good song, although it doesn't really do anything special for me. Still, It's just pleasant to listen to.

17. Moldova - similar to Sweden, but production value is slightly lower. But I just like fast songs.

18. Lithuania - honestly, I am slightly surprised I put it above Cyprus, because unlike Cyprus, I can barely recall this song. But I like it when I listen to it. Also, good for Lithuania for not singing in English, that is always refreshing to hear.

19. Cyprus - could be switched with Lithuania, but when I actually listen to both these songs one after another, I actually like Cyprus slightly less. They used to be higher on my list, but sadly, their song is a bit too average for me.

20-29 Song I don't care about all that much:

20. Latvia - okay, I lied, I care about this song. I don't usually listen to slower tunes, they have to actually make me feel something, and this one does. I wish I could put it higher, but I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with it.

21. Australia - I mean, it is fine, but too generic. Still, a faster tune will always be slightly higher on my list.

22. Georgia - similar to Australia, except I care about this one even less.

23. Slovenia - another love-hate for me. I appreciate this song and how different it is, I really do. But I can only listen to it once in a while, otherwise I get overwhelmed. Anyway, I like them a bit more because my name's also Veronika (except spelled with W and not V)

24. Denmark - they're... just fine I guess.

25. Germany - an okay song I can listen to and forget immediately. Just like with Denmark, except I forget this one even faster.

26. Belgium - I remember this one, it's just really not my cup of tea. Like, it is a good song, just not really something I listen to.

27. Malta - okay, now this is a bit annoying of a song. I will listen to it if it's on the radio or something, but I wouldn't choose to listen to it on my own free will.

28. Ukraine - look, it isn't a bad song, definitely better than Malta. But it sounds just like many other songs we've heard from Ukraine and honestly, I'm just bored of them.

29. Norway - another not a bad song, but has some parts that annoy me. Would be much higher without them. It's simply too heavy for me at some parts.

30-37 I literally couldn't care less:

30. Azerbaijan - what ever this is, sorry, I barely remember this song, I don't even know why I put it as high as I did, I guess it was less annoying than the others.

31. Portugal - I kinda like the instrumental, but it is a slow song and not a type of a slow song I would ever listen to.

32. Serbia - I don't like ballads.

33. Greece - I'm sorry, it's just too annoying to listen to...

34. Armenia - okay, it's better than Greece in that it's not annoying, but I just don't listen to this kind of music.

35. Ireland - girl, I appreciate your style, but your song is too much for me.

36. France - no. Sorry, just no.

37. Israel - why are you here, y'all know what you did. You know what you're doing.

[azzycomets]

SCC HALLOWEEK: HAUNTED STUDIO

CW: Major Character Death, Aftermath of SNOWGRAVE Route, Mentions of Cannibalism, Gore

SUMMARY: My depiction of Horrorrune!Sweet, also known as Bitter, in the studio.

NOTES: I had a bigger picture planned but then I realized that I wasn't gonna get it done in time for today so! You get Azzy's Horrorune lore instead! :)))

Bitter/Bits: Sweet

Boss: Cap'n

Bonbon/ B_B: K_K

---

Bitter's POV

It's been two years since the lighteners came.

The children, they were supposed to help us, but they destroyed us instead. The deer and human froze half the city, leaving the rest in hiding before shutting off the fountain and leaving everybody behind.

Since then, everything has gone to shit. As soon as that fountain closed, the power to the city went out. Permanently. It's dark. Food production has slowed as well. Thank the stars for those who have growth magic, they've been the only way to get food so far.

I can only watch from the shadows now. My words barely go through to the mortal realm, so I've stopped trying for now.

I watch as Boss drags home another bloody corpse to feed BonBon. It's an Addison, one with green skin. Or that's what I assume anyways, Boss had beaten them a blackish blue.

Bonbon's been needing to feed more often. Ever since I fed them myself, it's as if their mind has corrupted with their body. If I was still alive, I'm sure I would've gone mad right there with them.

Something about eating another darkner corrupts, Boss has realized it too. He hasn't been eating the bodies he brings home. Instead, he goes to that bakery hidden in the alleys.

The sound of crunching bones crackles in the air. B_B's feeding again. The slurps, the cracks, the sounds of ripping flesh.. I've gotten accustomed to it all. B_B's jaw unhinges before its teeth clamp down on the arm of the Addison and pulls. The flesh tears, revealing the white bones.

Boss stands and watches as he always does. I can't stand to listen any longer. My ghostly form zips from shadow to shadow, wall to wall as I hide in my old bedroom. BonBon hasn't completely lost it. It keeps my room nice and tidy, just as I like it. My thin form warps as it lays on my old bed.

I'm tired. I shouldn't be, but I am.

When will it stop?

Is this just it?

Are we simply just doomed to this life? All because a group of lighteners decided that this should be our fate? I wish we killed them in that first battle. Their deaths would be on our hands but if it meant saving the city..

I don't know.

....

I'm tired.

[trollprins]

To Loke: Part 6

Disclaimer: The image accompanying this story was generated using artificial intelligence (AI) technology. It is not a depiction of real people or events. The story and its characters are entirely fictional and are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual individuals, living or deceased, or events is purely coincidental. 

I've lost count of how many times I've penned these words, only to erase them in disgust at their pitiful sound. Yet, somehow, these thoughts have taken root in my mind, refusing to be expelled, driving me to the brink of madness. I write them down now, hoping for closure, or perhaps just a sliver of sanity before I succumb to complete madness. It's been nearly a month since I last messaged you, mentioning our plans for game night with friends. But not a single day has passed without your image, our shared moments, lingering in my thoughts, Loke. I can't bring myself to text you first, to initiate a conversation. Please understand, it's not indifference or arrogance on my part. I've come to realize that you won't text me first either, and all I can surmise is that you're repelled by me, and it fills me with profound sadness.

One week had passed since the electrifying party, and anticipation filled the air as we gathered for a department lunch. Deep down, I knew you would be there, and that alone was enough to entice me. It may sound pitiful, but the allure of your presence was my sole motivation for attending such events. Alas, fate had a cruel sense of humor, seating us at opposite ends of the table, denying me the chance to engage in a tantalizing conversation with you. Our interaction was limited to a few fleeting sentences exchanged as you gracefully made your way to the library, while I reluctantly returned to the confines of my office. Oh, how those brief moments failed to satiate the hunger for your company within me.

I anticipated the day when your lecture would align with my office. I fantasized about the possibility of you hopping by during the break or after your class. Alas, as I witnessed you strolling down the corridor with your comrades, oblivious to my office door, my heart sank like a delicate paper boat in the depths of a murky sea. I had invited you to visit me whenever you were nearby, yet you chose not to. Was it a deliberate act or a mere slip of memory? This perplexing lack of comprehension haunted my thoughts for days on end.

By now, I've become intimately familiar with all your routines, every nook and cranny you frequent between or after classes. These places, they're imbued with your essence, haunting me with your presence. There's this one spot in the library that I know you adore, and today, in the early morning when solitude reigned supreme, I ventured there. With music caressing my ears through my headphones, a cup of coffee in hand, and a course book to camouflage my intentions, I sat there, daydreaming about being in your shoes. What secrets reside in your mind? How does it feel to occupy that space? What does it truly mean to be you? I'm well aware of my obsession, and oh, how I yearn to be free from its clutches. I long to live a life untouched by these intense emotions, to possess the effortless coolness that radiates from you.

From the window of my office, I caught a glimpse of you engaging with girls after class. Your infectious smile stretched wide across your face, while your hands danced in the air, emphasizing your words. Witnessing these moments brings me a sense of tranquility, a fleeting inner peace. However, the envy of those who easily find solace in your presence gnaws at me, like a persistent ache in my chest. As I turned away, the image of you slipped from my sight, but little did I know that fate had other plans for our encounter that evening.

On my way home, lost in my thoughts, I spotted you diligently studying at the library. Oh, what a dedicated student you are, I thought, admiring your commitment to your education. Yet, a part of me couldn't help but feel foolish, both for being captivated by you and for allowing this infatuation to consume me. Unable to face the reality of my emotions, I decided to seek solace in the hall, settling on a sofa near the reception area. I dared not venture too close to the library entrance, fearing that my longing would become painfully obvious to your discerning eyes.

Time passed slowly, each minute feeling like an eternity, until finally, with the corner of my eye, I saw you depart the building. Your hair, jacket, and bag were unmistakable, and my heart skipped a beat. Uncertain if you noticed me or deliberately chose to ignore my presence, I found myself haunted by these thoughts once more. If I am unsettling you, I apologize profusely, for it is not my intention to disrupt your peace. Yet, as the door closed behind you, that familiar sensation washed over me, plunging me into a dark, emotionless abyss.

Seeking solace, I hopped onto a scooter, the cold wind stinging my eyes as tears streamed down my cheeks. These rare moments, when I catch glimpses of you, serve as my only respite, a temporary escape from the burden of my longing. But as the scooter sped through the empty streets, I couldn't help but feel hollow and sorrowful, as if my heart was being torn apart by the weight of unrequited love.

In the depths of my despair, I yearned for a way to free myself from this torment, to find the strength to move on. But for now, I am left with these fleeting moments, these stolen glances, which offer a bittersweet taste of what could never be.

Read other parts dedicated to Loke.

[bittersweetblasphemy]

what made you decide to have a go at making zines, and how did you find the process? fun? frustrating? new hobby unlocked?

it's been a lot of fun and is super satisfying to hold a finished booklet in my hand. new hobby unlocked for sure.

in fact i'm going to ramble about it under the cut.

i'd been looking into on and off for over a year, and, frankly, i've been going slowly mad at having normal levels of focus and productivity dangled in front of me, only to be snatched away AND put on bed rest without even jacking off as an outlet.

i did a bunch of painting, but i've run out of canvases and focus. and while i really wanna sculpt, 1) i just haven't gotten my brain to switch to that track, 2) i've only just recently been able to tolerate standing at my usual work counter again, 3) having a small child who wants to mirror everything i do is fun when i'm physically able to handle it, but i am not physically able to handle it. i can do a craft myself OR i can set them up with supervised craft time. not both.

that leaves my writing, but i haven't been able to focus enough to write. so what to do with all my old stuff? may as well take that last leap into making zines! it's also an excuse for me to break out my drawing tablet to make cover art (i'm not good but they're small and it adds to the charm i think).

overall it's been shockingly easy. the hardest part was making a format template, but once i had that figured out i was set. i conveniently already had a laser printer, and considering i can't go anywhere (like a place with a public printer) i wouldn't have been able to do this otherwise.

the most expensive thing i had to buy for this was a nice paper cutter, which was $24. it honestly wasn't necessary. i could have just folded the paper or cut them with scissors, but imo it really goes a long way in making them look nice. i also have a long reach stapler that's made for making booklets and magazines coming in that will be really nice for putting them together neatly and consistently.

i still dont know what i'm going to do with them tbh. i have some friends that are gonna get free copies of their favs, and at least the poetry one i'm going to have out if i'm able to do the craft fairs this year (fuck me i hope i'm better by then), but i need to see what kind of stuff they allow. even if they allow sexually explicit material, i'll probably still leave stories like Red Hot at home.

i could do an online shop for the rest, but i'm not sure where. i already have a kofi account for commissions, and they have a shop feature, but at the same time they say in their TOS they don't allow any form of sexually explicit material. and last i heard about etsy they were being shitty about charging for advertising you didn't opt into. so i'd need to do more research into that.

say what you want about whether or not i should be able to make a profit off of little homemade porn booklets, but i'd at least need enough money to buy the toner for my printer by the time i ran out, which is hella expensive. i think back when i got this thing it was like $70 a pop. it lasts a lot longer than ink but it's more expensive up front.

[djemsostylist]

I've been really offline this year, and it's due almost entirely to my work. I'm mostly just venting now, but this year has been the hardest I've had since Covid, and I fear a future where it doesn't get any better.

This year, I have not one, but TWO students who go off at nothing. And by go off I mean I have to evacuate my room and just hope they don't break anything or throw anything at me that I can't dodge. And this happens for no reason--a simple direction, passing out a piece of paper, giving a direction I've given 100 times could result in a tantrum that clears my classroom for over an hour as a bunch of adults stand around watching, because restraining a kid now requires at least five adults and a mountain of paperwork. So instead, I'm forced to watch as a 7 year old destroys my room and their mom tells me "at least it's not as bad as they were in kindergarten" or blames me for not calling them in the middle of class when they first started throwing things.

Beyond my two, I have another 4-6 who are simply obnoxious. I'm often loathe to call kids obnoxious, but these students are rude, inappropriate, refuse to follow basic directions, and generally make my every day horrible. They fight and bicker and argue and then get mad and rude when I ask them to please stay seated and follow basic directions.

The others aren't bad, but they laugh and encourage the bad behavior, talk incessantly, and basically need constant supervision and stimulation. Law now states I'm not allowed to discipline kids--no missing recess, no writing lines, no missing resource, no anything I used to be able to do to make an impact. Students are mandated to attend quarterly parties that we can't take away because every students has the right to attend.

I get no breaks during the day--I'm required to watch them at lunch because half of them are incapable of sitting still for a half an hour to eat food, and many of my resource class breaks (while the kids are at gym or art) are taken up with meetings.

And that doesn't even address staff shortages. Today a teacher on my hall called out, and there was no one to take her class, so we were all saddled with 4-5 extra kids. I ended my day with 27, and with no music teacher, I also had to watch them during resource, so I got no moment to myself between the hours of 9-4:30.

I've also had two teachers on my hall quit this year, which means I've been responsible for writing plans and grading papers for three classes, getting two long term subs set up in a classroom that has been left in a lurch, and also becoming a surrogate teacher for 46 extra students (on top of my 23).

I sit in on every IEP meeting for the grade level, which sometimes means 4+ a week.

I'm tired. In my bones, in my soul. I come home tired every day, and some days its all I can do to lay on my sofa and scroll through youtube or reddit. I don't even have the energy for tumblr, because liking something means the likes will pile up or I'll need to comment on something a mutual had posted and it feels overwhelming. I'm back playing Destiny because it's the sort of mindless thing I can do almost without thinking. The Horus Heresy is done but 40k feels lifeless by comparison so I'm sort of slow in getting into new things. Last weekend I painted a little, and that feels productive at least.

I just don't know if it's going to get better. This year, the students seem to not care, about school or about their behavior, and the parents know they're awful (I've had parents openly admit their child hurts them or their siblings at home) but yet seem to have little desire to make any changes to try and curtail the behavior.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say I guess. Just that I feel like we are genuinely raising a generation who doesn't understand consequences, that we are not allowed to discipline because parents refuse to allow their child to be held accountable for their actions.

I'm tired. And I genuinely don't know if it will get better.

[radio-face]

I wrote this little analysis of the creature in Frankenstein cause I was pissed off that nobody would give the guy a full chance when we had discussions about it in class. We finished the course and we took the test yesterday, so this is the only way anyone's read this and I'm a little proud of it (even if I rambled a bit).

I hate the creature because we are one in the same and that makes me a monster, a tool used to describe the horrors of knowledge. We keep having debates on the character's guilt in class. They think I'm a monster. Frankenstein created a monstrous being and abandoned it. The creature made the most of his life without Victor. He ran away, he learned to read and write, he joined a family and he made a friend. But they didn't accept him. They saw him only as the monstrous parts his father sewed together and threw away into a corner. And upon his return to the very home that ran from his sight, he was yet again ridiculed, mocked and exiled. How can we blame him for becoming violent? How can we point the blame at the creature we abused and call their reaction their nature? How can we incite such horrible events and continue to attack? How can we attack when it only continues to hurt us all? The creature eventually becomes suicidal. If he had inflicted these crimes upon himself rather than others, rather than beautiful people, would we still call him a monster? The hatred is still there. The feeling is just as ugly. But it doesn't affect you. It doesn't hurt you. If the creature's revenge was to hang himself in front of town, would anyone stop him? No. You would jeer and scream and holler and applaud. The show of a lifetime to watch the freak destroy themself.

In volume 2 the creature is much more clearly a product of his time. He falls in love with a beautiful woman but understands his own grotesque features enough that he knows no normal human would love him. Of course he knows this. His own creator abandoned him because of how disgusting he was. He is not stupid. He knows why everyone hates him. The thing I disagree with in this plot point are his actions. He frames the woman for his own crimes, claims himself as a 'woman hater' and returns to the scientist to create him someone to love. Ignoring the clearly misogynistic and incel-like values displayed in his personality, the creature does not look inward for love but instead attempts to create something to love him. Knowing the pain and the suffering he lives through everyday, he decides that he should get to have someone just as grotesque and as monstrous as him. Someone who would suffer just as he had, who would be abandoned by her creator just as he was, but, may love him as he cannot. He cannot look at himself and see love. Moreover he cannot repress this aggressive want to be loved. He makes it his one mission to create something that would love him as he can't find anything of the sort in this world. That is where the creature and I differ. As much as I long to be loved I understand the my heart is not my own and that loving me is a disease that will surely destroy the poor soul who looks upon me and sees past the hurt I feel. I can't let people love me. I can't let myself kill. I can't let myself die. Because I won't hurt people. That is where Frankenstien's monster and I differ. He could not escape the pit of being a monster and thus he becomes a pitiful killer, one I look down upon and ponder about. I could be that creature. I could wallow in my anger and my rage and I could hurt people. But I don't. So I can do nothing but look down and guess how far the fall would be for me to reach the level of that being of hatred. I wonder where Shelley was in that pit of madness. She too was rejected by her father. She wrote this out of a place deep in her own experiences. Does she believe herself to be that creature? Does she call upon the readers to abandon her and her creations just as their fathers? Would she abandon her child? Would she inflict that pain upon her own flesh and blood? Would she blame them for their actions? I know my father wouldn't. But I also know he won't have to. Because I can hold myself above that pit. But I don't know how long I can hold on. Everyday I wonder if I am slipping into becoming a monstrous person, if I have become that which I despise so clearly. That is the horror of Frankenstein. The question of how far would you really be falling if you became a monster.

[sanchofff]

The Industrial Revolution(ler!Prussia, lee!Germany)

A/N:Hi everyone!!!this is my first fic, hope you'll like it!I love the Prussia/Germany dynamic, they are simply the best of the best fr

‼️This fanfiction contains tickles‼️

Word count: 2248

Eh, the end of the 19th century... The Industrial Revolution, progress in all spheres of society, well, isn't it a beauty? The embodiment of the newly emerged German Empire, young Ludwig Beilschmidt, is no longer so young and is growing and developing by leaps and bounds. For the last few years of its existence, it has to work especially actively because of competition between states and the need to increase its authority on the international market of goods. Every day, from morning to night, he works on designing new equipment and manufacturing high-quality commodity units.

To be honest, he would have long since died with all this work fuss, if not for his older brother, Gilbert Beilschmidt, who has been raising him since birth. He taught Ludwig everything he knew himself, and helps him in everything he can help in order to make a powerful and worthy state out of him; in general, he is an excellent brother, only at first glance at these two, because of the differences in characters, you can't immediately tell that he is his brother. However, it has never bothered anyone.

On this day Ludwig and Gilbert had a lot of work: in the first half of the day it was production, then testing of new goods, and after that a meeting with England, Arthur Kirkland, dedicated to the export and import of goods. In general, they lost their minds, but Ludwig, still unaccustomed, of course, was more tired. Therefore, having crossed the threshold of the house and taken off his shoes, Germany immediately went into the living room and, now relaxed with thoughts of rest, took off his jacket and lay down on the sofa in a shirt, trousers and socks. The sound of the front door closing was heard, and a couple of seconds later Gilbert came into the living room, also without a jacket. Prussia took a couple of steps to the sofa, sat on the edge, half-turned to the West, and gave the younger the usual confident smile, to which Germany just sighed and lay on his side.

"Brother... This is some kind of horror," Ludwig said with an emotionless expression on his face, looking somewhere in front of him. The intonation with which this phrase was said seemed very funny to the Prussian, so he laughed loudly.

"Excuse me, West, I couldn't restrain myself," said Prussia, quickly calming down."I understand it's hard for you now, but believe me, you'll get used to it soon, and it won't be so difficult anymore."

"According to your stories, it's only difficult in the war, but here, it turns out, it's like this... Political and economic issues will soon drive me mad," Germany continued. He never allowed himself to open up to anyone, but his brother is an exception to this rule, especially when they are alone at home. Prussia was with him throughout his life and never condemned him for anything, but only supported him in everything. And besides, even if Ludwig feels bad, but does not tell Gilbert, the elder will still notice that something is wrong and will get his way." Uh, em... sometimes it starts to seem that I'm doing everything wrong, and people are unhappy, and I do not know how to please them."

"Come on, I don't need it here!" The elder shouted with mock anger and poked the younger in the shoulder. "Don't be sour, West! Forget about it, you'll be fine, everything will be fine!"

The brothers were silent for half a minute. Ludwig felt a little calmer after this conversation, but his heart was still anxious and somehow not at all fun. Gilbert was great at sensing the atmosphere; he could see how much Junior was going through. How could he cheer him up?

Prussia looked from Junior to his hands. Suddenly an idea popped into his head, bad lights danced in his eyes.

"West, you're not happy," Gilbert stated the fact, running his right index finger along the fabric of the sofa.

"Yes, is it true, or what?" Ludwig gasped with feigned surprise. He noticed a strange sly note in the elder's voice, and it bothered him a lot.

"I know how to fix it!"

****

"Come on, West! Laugh!" of the sounds surrounding Prussia are only his own proud giggling, the rustling of fabric and the confused breathing of the younger."Come on!"

Now in their living room you could see this picture: Gilbert, straddling Ludwig's hips, proudly sitting on his younger brother and poking, then fingering his sides.

A few restrained sighs come out of Germany's mouth. Ludwig himself tries to resist tickling sensations, bites the inside of his cheek and his lips to restrain laughter. He grabs the older man's wrists, trying to push Gilbert's hands away and wriggle out from under him.

"Hey!" Prussia, seeing that the West was trying to escape, quickly pressed his hands with his knees, continuing his actions. This deprived the younger of the last escape route, leaving only the opportunity to squirm under the elder. "What do you think you are doing?"

Another couple of sharp pokes on the sides. Ludwig suddenly choked on air and coughed, which surprised Gilbert very much.

"West, are you kidding me?" the elder stopped for a few seconds so that the younger could even out his breathing. "I'm trying to help you here, actually, I want you to relax and not be so constrained, and you're ruining all my plans!" To be

honest, for Germany it was little like relaxation. No, he certainly didn't hate it, but the tickling is so embarrassing! Making someone laugh in this way is very sadistic, don't you think (and what, just in the spirit of Prussia)? In any case, the sensations were tolerable so far; if Gilbert continues at the same pace, then he will simply get bored with it due to the lack of reaction, and he will stop. In this case, Germany will definitely be able to withstand it. He'll handle it.

At least, that's what he thought. Until Prussia really got bored with it, but instead of stopping, as Ludwig expected, he decided to move his merciless attack from his brother's sides to his ribs, his more sensitive place.

Germany felt like an electric shock. He arched his back and made a sound vaguely resembling either a snort or a cry. Prussia, seeing that his brother would break down pretty soon, grinned and continued working harder with his fingers somewhere in the area of the younger's upper ribs. No matter what anyone said, and, in addition to the role of a loving older brother, Gilbert was also a real sadist: he pressed, easily ran his fingers, poked and, in principle, affected his brother's nerves in such a way as to cause as interesting reactions as possible. From such actions, Germany wanted to wriggle out, cover himself with his hands, squeeze into the sofa and, of course, laugh. Ludwig was no longer so confident in his abilities, so he just squinted and did not let a silly smile appear on his face until the last moment, waiting for it all to end.

And why didn't Gilbert immediately remember that West is ticklish? When Ludwig was a little boy, Prussia very often had to (oh, who is he kidding, it's already clear from him that he is more than satisfied with it) tickle him to cheer up or to conduct a so-called "endurance training". And if we take into account the fact that there were also such persons as Austria, France and Spain in his life... In general, we can say that he was a real expert in his field, and even with an excellent memory, because now he was furiously trying to remember which places on the body of his most beautiful brother were more sensitive.

Suddenly he had an idea. He stopped tormenting Ludwig's upper ribs, lightly running his fingers from them to the lower ribs, then along the sides and stopped where the pelvis connects to the hip, placing his palms on this place. He looked at Ludwig, whose eyes, from this shameless act of the elder, were like two silver coins in size.

"B-brother, I beg you, don't," said Ludwig, who was extremely nervous, trembling slightly. "Let's try to negotiate..."

"West, I'm not doing anything, and you're already all worn out! Are you still ticklish after all these years?"

Gilbert deliberately teased the younger one, bending his fingers very slightly. He remembered that even a small influence in this area, combined with a light teasing, would work perfectly on Ludwig and definitely make him laugh; the same tactics works perfectly on Antonio, by the way. "And in general, what is it that you and I have to agree on? I think everything is as clear as day," at this point, Prussia decided not to tease Ludwig anymore, either having mercy on the younger, or simply speeding up out of boredom, so he sharply squeezed his brother's hips, and mentally made a note:West is growing a real diplomat, ready to compromise.

The reaction to the compression followed immediately. Ludwig jerked so hard that he almost dropped himself and Gilbert from the sofa, and a ringing but tired laugh, which sounded like surrender, finally came from his lips. Prussia, hearing that the West had finally stopped fighting, laughed his trademark laugh not at his brother but with him—he was so pleased with himself and glad that he could finally make his brother laugh.

Under the elder's hands, Ludwig desperately writhed, stretched his neck, arched his back and let out more and more giggles. He lost. He was completely unarmed against his brother, all attempts to escape ended in a grand failure. Although, you know, Germany was not particularly against it. Even though he and Gilbert spent all their time together, traveling around the country and sitting at blueprints, he really lacked tactile contact or simple, like a father's, care, as before, in childhood. Ludwig would never admit his desire to anyone on pain of death. But, even so, this is not the kind of pastime he expected! The only drawback in his life, as he believed, was his sensitivity to tickling, and also Gilbert's dexterous fingers, which constantly tormented him as a child, with and without a reason, and made him scream and beg for mercy. No matter what anyone says out of ignorance, Prussia really was a master in this sphere, Ludwig is firmly convinced of this to this day.

And Prussia was having fun with absolutely undisguised delight, like a small child who was presented with a long-awaited toy. He, determined to extract as much benefit as possible from his fortunate position, skillfully scratched with short nails and squeezed the hips of West through the fabric of his trousers. After he began massaging with the thumbs of both his hands the places where the hips and pelvis meet, and with the rest of his fingers he drove where the sides connect with the back, Ludwig squealed very unmanly, and his laughter rose a couple of octaves.

"West, aren't you ashamed of yourself? I'm trying to relax you here, and you're laughing at me! Do you know what usually happens for this?" Gilbert asked threateningly, insidiously moving the fingers of one hand in the air, and continuing the execution with the other.

Ludwig tried to hold back his laughter for a couple of seconds and quickly nodded his head. Of course, he knows what usually happens for this. He went through this as a child. By the way, he didn't last long, and literally a second later, laughter was pouring out of him again in torrents.

"Well, that's great!" and continued what he was doing.

"Enough, please! Brother, that's enough, that's it!" now Ludwig really felt like in his childhood. It was the same words that he always used trying to stop his brother before, being in similar situations, but this, unfortunately, never helped him. Gilbert never listened to his pleadings about stopping tickling, but, at the same time, he has never overdone it. Prussia was very observant and always knew when to stop.

Just about a minute later, Gilbert decided that it would be enough for Ludwig, and he had already "relaxed" enough and laughed. Prussia began to slow down gradually, and after ten seconds stopped altogether, replacing the teasing movements with strokes and rubbing to erase the residual tickling sensations.

If someone had said that Gilbert was at least a milligram dissatisfied with the work he had done and the result obtained, then this person could have been accused of treason. Ludwig was lying on the sofa, trying to even out his breathing as soon as possible, with his head slightly thrown back and his arms and legs spread out. The shirt and trousers, of course, were crumpled, the bangs were disheveled, a thick blush colored the cheeks.

" Better?" Gilbert asked, getting up from junior's hips and sitting down next to his brother on the couch.

"I'll never tell you anything again," of course it's not true. Germany firstly leaned on his elbows, then took a sitting position, hanging his legs from the sofa.

"I love you too, West," the elder Beilschmidt said, half with mockery, half with a caring intonation, first patting Ludwig on the back in a fatherly way, then putting his left arm around his shoulders.

A faint, sincere, laid-back smile appeared on Germany's lips. After all, Gilbert-style relaxation helped him.

[six-of-ravens]

daily update:

for some reason since last night my brain has decided to get Big Mad about something that happened like 6 months ago. just basically trying to Constantly Distract Myself lol. Idk why my brain is this fucked up but I blame it on the weather, the wild swings between sunny and warm spring weather and dark cold winter are brutal on the mental health lol.

also i haven't left the apartment since Monday (except a quick trip down to the mailbox today) so that might be why my brain is acting up. my anxiety gets real bad if I don't leave the house for more than 1 day in a row (lockdown was a FUN time in this brain) and I think for lack of anything real to be anxious about my brain is just going "hey remember that asshole from July? let's be mad at him again!!"

on the plus side, was actually able to be productive at work today! the past 2 days were just a lot of spinning my wheels while the PM for this project works herself into a tizzy, because I don't know what I need to do (if anything) and I can't handle her ranting anymore. Apparently the boss is getting pretty tired of her too tho so I think he had A Talk with her about not skype-spamming with her whole thought process. Also, she always intersperses her updates with "I have other things to work on too!" type comments which are driving everyone insane bc like yeah, we all do too! so just fkn get this last list of revisions sent over so we can finish this!!

so yeah, work is a...joy. right now. at least we got to work from home today too lol, we got waaaaay more snow than they predicted.

i did take a 3 hour nap after work today tho (necessary, bc last night I was up until 2am and my brain would not get off this spiral) and had those good good adventure-quest dreams, so.

oh also I finally checked the mail and my laika pin from pangur-and-grim arrived!! she is baby 🥺 she lives on the pin jacket now:

anyway, plan for tonight is to try and decompress by listening to music and maybe writing. i also *still* haven't really started Fellowship bc I just haven't been in the brainspace for it (though maybe I should try...having to intensely focus on a book with very small print might be what my brain needs)

also, going from reading children's books with like 18pt font to a dense fantasy novel with like 8pt font is quite the change. highly intimidating!

I have made progress on ToTK and FFIII though, in totk I beat Master Kogha and then finally got my purah pad upgraded with the sensor, travel medallions, etc etc. I can't believe i missed all of this stuff at the beginning of the game lol. in FFIII I'm back at the Nepto Temple, which is one of my least favourite levels due to having to use Mini which makes your weapons useless. Ah well, the quests after this are interesting at least.

oh and finally, I got some sprouts in my garden! I'm kind of amazed at how much stuff has already sprouted, most notably the lettuce (but also a half-dozen other random things):

[studyblrattempt]

Ok so I went to the library yesterday afternoon and I didn't skipped gym even if I wasn't super motivated. And this afternoon I'll go to the library again. I was initially planning on going earlier but I woke up kinda late and I feel like it would be useless to be there at like 11 am because I would have to eat soon like it seems more practical to just eat at home and then go? There is that and there is the fact that I'm not super excited about the eventuality of having to eat lunch with my friend, I'm still quite mad at her oops. My mom told me yesterday you get angry easily and well maybe she's right but honestly I don't care lol, I feel like I actually rarely get mad at my friends, I almost never had an argument with any of them, I get hurt sometimes but keep it to myself and act like nothing happened lol. So yeah. I'll let myself not wanting to spend time with the girl who likes to make lame jokes about how many hours I study in a day. When she's doesn't even know how many hours I study in a day. I know she's just joking but we have this stressful exam at the end of the year and I think she's being very fucking insensitive actually. Also she's the kind of people who'll say kind people are boring and seriously so many people share this fucked up mentality and I'm tired with this shit. Like I'm sorry you need to be a bitch to feel alive but that's not something to be proud of honey. Anyway she's still my friend and I love her but I'm not in the mood lmao. My mom told me just make the same kind of jokes as her but mom the way I would fucking destroy her without even trying I can't risk it. Like kind people aren't stupid or blind, we see your insecurities, we see when you mess up, we just genuinely don't see the point of using it against you to bring you down. But don't make us change our mind lol.

So yeah lol. Going to the library this afternoon hope I'll be productive and shit. I could be studying more but knowing how bad I tend to feel these days I think I'm being quite disciplined so yeah that's cool.

[pbandjesse]

So I did not feel better today. I felt worse actually. But I was convinced I just needed to suck it up. I would convince myself that I was actually fine and was faking it. Which is stupid but I kept convincing myself and then would cough so hard I would start crying.

When I woke up I was not happy. James left while I was still getting ready because they wanted to beat the rain. I think if they stayed a little longer they would have convinced me to stay home. But instead I got myself together best I could and went down to the car.

It was raining and cold. But it was warm in the car.

Driving to camp was a little rough only because I kept coughing up stuff. And was feeling really gross and bad.

When I got to camp I immediately went up to stockade to find the mushroom from the other day. And it was just turning black and so I plucked it and was very pleased.

I got back to the office and would answer some emails and get some things sorted. I continued to work on my pine needles sewing. It's going better. I want to start a new one soon so I can try to start the middle in a better way. But I think I'm getting the hang of it.

I was confused when no one came in at 9. And then not 930. Closer to 10 Alexi and Elizabeth came in, with Sarah following not long after. I was sort of deteriorating at this point. My cough was becoming more frequent and painful.

I tried to have conversations but I was so hard to be heard. And I could only do so much. We have two Native American feildtrips next week so I would do what I could to get things set up. But it will be a little bit of a mad rush on Monday morning.

I would struggle through until right before noon. But by then I was coughing and had to put my head down on the table to catch my breath. I had tried going up to the arts building and coughing my lungs out, thinking I could dislodge all the gunk in my lungs. But it just made me feel dizzy.

Before I left I thought about going to target. But I just wanted to go home.

The drive back was good. I had talked to Elizabeth about a nerd rapper I had forgotten about and so I got to relisten to some of my highschool music and that was very fun. Made for a good drive home. Even with the rain.

I got back here before 1230. And was happy to be back.

But I also felt stupid. Like I was being dramatic. I wasn't even coughing! I was obviously fine and had been lying. And then I would breath weird and started coughing so hard I thought I was going to throw up. It was pretty horrible.

But because I am stupid I would be fine for a while. And started vacuuming and adding water to the fish tanks and cleaning the kitty litter. And would be fine! I'm obviously all better! But then would cough so hard I would cry. I hate this so much.

The worse and most annoying part is that I feel find behind the voice and the cough. I'm not nauseous. My chest is a little sore but my body doesn't ache. So it's like my brain can't accept that I'm sick.

But I am trying. So I called out of my weekend plans. I'm really sad to miss my last BAS workshop on sunday. And I rescheduled my private lesson. And I'm not going to the market. I won't say I'm not sad. But I'm going to try really hard to actually rest and get well.

I would try to sleep but it didn't happen. I mostly watched videos. I made a few tiktoks because I was a little bored. I worked on my knitting some. I tried to sleep again but my water cup fell over in the bed and got me and the bed all wet. My world was obviously falling apart.

I moved to the couch to cuddle up there. I had taken some time to reorganize the mantle in the living room and change the layout a little. And I felt really good about that. I also pulled out some blankets from storage to put an extra on the couch and finally remember to put one in the car. Very productive.

James would come home and I was happy to see them. They would get to work making tortilla soup. I was coughing a lot and was kind of miserable but I was happy to have my husband home and safe.

There would be some waiting for the soup to be done but that was okay. Sweetp was crying at the door and we figured out that he's crying and talking to the car upstairs! I hope they are having a nice conversation.

The soup was really good. Very happy with the recipe I chose and James made it so nice. Love my husband. They would hang out with me on the couch. And Sweetp and me had a nice cuddle. I watched to many tiktoks. It was nice.

I took a bath while James made got chocolate. It burned my tongue a little but it was fine. I am pretending it fixed my chest pain. But it probably didn't do much.

I just finished painting my toes. And I'm going to go brush my teeth now. And get ready to sleep.

Tomorrow I will rest. And maybe draw or something small. I just want to feel better.

Goodnight everyone. Please cover your coughs.

[colloquialbitchisms]

SONGS FROM MY OC'S PLAYLIST THAT VIBE A LITTLE TOO HARD — PART 1

SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALRIGHT ( FOR FIGHTING ) – FALL OUT BOY COVER

“don't give us none of your aggravation.” “saturday night's alright for fighting.” “i may use a little muscle to get what i need.” “i'm a juvenile product of the working class.” “whose best friend floats at the bottom of a glass.”

YOU'RE GONNA GO FAR, KID — THE OFFSPRING

“show me how to lie.” “you're getting better all the time.” “he never had a chance.” “no one even knew it it was really only you.” “with a thousand lies and a good disguise.” “there's something in your way and now someone is gonna pay.” “you're gonna go far, kid.” “trust deceived.”

YOU MAY BE RIGHT — BILLY JOEL

“i've been stranded in the combat zone.” “i made it home alive, so you said that only proves that i'm insane.” “you may be right.” “i may be crazy.” “don't try to save me.” “you might enjoy some madness for a while.” “it's too late to fight.” “it's too late to change me.”

SMOOTH CRIMINAL — ALIEN ANT FARM COVER

“he left bloodstains on the carpet.” “[ name ], are you okay?” “you were struck down.” “it was your doom.”

BAD COMPANY — BAD COMPANY

“behind a gun i'll make my final stand.” “that's why they call me bad company.” “i can't deny.” “tell me that you're not a thief.” “oh, but i am.” “it's the way i play; dirty for dirty.” “somebody double crossed me.” “killed in cold blood.”

RENEGADE — STYX

“i'm in fear for my life.” “i'm so far from my home.” “you're so scared & all alone.” “i don't have very long.” “this'll be the end today.” “they finally found me.” “the renegade who had it made.” “i don't wanna go.” “no, no, no, i can't go.”

HOLD THE LINE — TOTO

“it's not in the way that you hold me.” “it's not in the way you say that you care.” “love isn't always on time.” “it's not in the way your love set me free.”

THIS IS GOSPEL — PANIC! AT THE DISCO

“these words are knives that often leave scars.” “the fear of falling apart.” “don't try to sleep through the end of the world.” “i won't give up without a fight.” “if you love me let me go.”

FAR TOO YOUNG TO DIE — PANIC! AT THE DISCO

“i've never so adored you.” “don't let me do this to myself.” “well, i never really thought that you'd come tonight.” “the crown weighs heavy on either side.” “give me one last kiss.” “we're far too young to die.”

CONTROL — HALSEY

“the house was awake, the shadows and monsters.” “the hallways, they echoed and groaned.” “i sat alone in bet till the morning.” “i tried to hold these secrets inside me.” “my mind's like a deadly disease.” “i'm colder than this home.” “i'm meaner than my demons.” “i can't help this awful energy.” “god damn right, you should be scared of me.” “i paced around for hours on empty.” “i jumped at the slightest of sounds.” “i couldn't stand the person inside me.” “i'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head.” “who is in control?”

[fortheturnstiles]

11, 18, 19 for tha movie asks😁

11. Has a film ever made you cry? -- YES. ALL THE TIME. and not always because a movie is particularly sad or during a poignant emotional beat, sometimes there are moments where all the elements of sound and picture and feeling come together in a way that's so perfect or just overwhelming in some way it'll make me cry. last time this happened was watching Altered States (1980) in a movie theater, i had never seen it on the big screen before and there were several moments (particularly toward the end) where i was just!!!! AAAAH!!! and i cried a bit . yeah.

18. What film do you think has the coolest poster? -- yayy repeat question means i get to share more cool posters 🤓

as you can probably tell i love posters that are kinda busy / visually dense and have some interesting thing with text going on. i love a good typeface. that phantom of the paradise one i hope to have framed in my home one day

19. What part of filmmaking do you find most interesting (ie. sound design, costuming, set design, etc)? -- hard to answer cuz there are literally so. many. forms of craftsmanship that go into filmmaking but my mind first went to art direction + production design! it's the thing my eye is drawn to first, i love looking at sets and the details of the environments throughout a movie. sometimes it's in the way where i'm like oh that's a really big or complicated set that's really impressive and i wonder how they put everything together, or on the level of thinking about how a particular environment informs the characters in it and vice versa.

because i can't help myself i'll also mention special effects & makeup, i love horror movies and body horror in particular so i would be remiss to not mention it. i ❤️ flesh and gore and mutation and mutilation and unknown goopy substances. guys like rick baker and dick smith and screaming mad george and greg nicotero are my heroes for real. so many possibilities for imaginative manipulation of the flesh in cinema that's why it's one of my favorite artforms honestly

movie questions ask game

[rayclubs]

I almost forgot to tell you guys about Mike from my workplace. Here's a funny story.

So, I got this job in marketing relations. Basically means I have to call up various sales reps and product support lines, get important people's contact info, send out emails, that sort of thing. There are two other people working in my department: Alex and Rat. Both of them here for over six years, literal veterans in the field. Me, I'm a recent hire.

Last month we got this new project where instead of taking up new brands and businesses we try to get in touch with the ones who left us on "read". It's the same type of job, except before calling someone up we have to go through three-four-years-old logs detailing every method of communication that's already been attempted. That's fine, I like me a bit of environmental storytelling on shift.

So I'm just going through the list one by one, until I get to this one brand that sells some audio tech I don't much care for. The first thing that catches my eye is that the log is way longer than most. So I get reading.

[MM/DD/YYYY] Called [number], asked to contact [generic.email]@[lastname]mike.com. Message sent. (Alex)

That's fine, that's standard practice. Then something exciting happens.

[MM/DD/YYYY] Got a delivery error. (Rat)

[MM/DD/YYYY] Called [number] again, they confirmed email. (Alex)

[MM/DD/YYYY] Message re-sent to [generic.email]@[lastname]mike.com. (Rat)

That's kind of odd. We don't get a lot of delivery errors, and when we do, it's because there was a typo in the receiving address. But "Mike" is a simple enough name, and the rest of the address is generic enough to leave no room for error. But then...

[MM/DD/YYYY] Got another delivery error. (Rat)

[MM/DD/YYYY] Listened to the recordings of both calls. The email is correct. (Alex)

[MM/DD/YYYY] Email re-sent from alternative company address. (Rat)

There's some subtle back-and-forth now. I can only speculate, of course, but I'm guessing at that point both of my colleagues were reasonably annoyed.

[MM/DD/YYYY] Another delivery error. (Alex)

By that point I was completely hooked. On one hand there is a simple computer problem of an undelivered email, on the other hand - a multitude of people convincing my coworkers an address is real while it keeps consistently getting proven otherwise. Are they playing a prank? Are they purposefully misleading us? Is Mike real?

[MM/DD/YYYY] Contacted tech support. There may be a filter or a spam blocker preventing the email from receiving our message. (Rat)

[MM/DD/YYYY] Called [number] again. The address is correct. There are no filters. Sent one last message to [generic.email]@[lastname]mike.com. (Alex)

I actually can't believe Alex called them again. In my experience even one call is often enough to have someone get mad at you for being annoying. Well, third time's the charm, right?

[DD/MM/YYYY] Delivery error. I'm closing this. (Alex)

And honestly, good call. If someone rang me up four times just to confirm a Mike exists, I would probably explode. Myself or the person on the phone - either way, it would have been bloody.

Well, I have to pick this up now, three years later, so, determined to solve the mystery of Mike, I head over to that company's website.

The home page features a giant banner with a close-up of a microphone on it.

They sell microphones.

[MM/DD/YYYY] Message sent to [generic.email]@[lastname]mic.com. (Me)

The end.

[rin-and-jade]

hey it's pop again, I already technically posted this in a comment section on a YouTube video but I just need to tell you too.

when I was little, I used to get yelled at a lot. I never did go to school, so I never did have that time away from home other kids got, I never was social. I was holed up In our house, for most of my life. still am, the only sense if actual no strings attached freedom I get is from the internet.

I am able to be who I want on here without the anger, and yelling. or the "why are you just sitting there? you could be doing anything!" or "you stupid kid, you know you can do better" or "DO BETTER" or "GET UP AND OUT DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE!" or just anything.

I just don't like the feelings, I feel so guilty about nothing! I wanna vomit and cry and scream for no reason!

I feel like anything I do is judged and if I make a slight mistake I'm ridiculed. they all still get angry about my past mistakes.

it wasn't even anything bad! everything I've done has ended up okay, no one has groomed me, no one has verbally abused me on here, they actually like what I have to say. they give me space and time to talk.

my stutter came back, I didn't realise at first. but now it's just in my head, I stutter and go over my words again and again. and I don't know why.

I've been doing the best I possibly can, I clean, I cook, I do my chores and fold the clothes, I take care of my siblings, I take care of the dog I don't want to take care of. (I love her, but we literally agreed that I wouldn't have to do any dog chores since it gives me hives and asthma and I just can't deal with it.)

I try so FUNKING HARD, and I barely get any credit for it. if I truly moved out, they would be so lost without me.

I want to move out, and see the world and just BE something. I want to DO something that's not just staying confined in my room or only going out when they go out.

I want that smidgeon of freedom, I just can't grasp. so here I am, again. on the internet the only "safe" place I know these days. I can't read a book and distract myself from my parents arguments, I don't have the space to play music without headphones, I can't watch tv or the sort because the TV is in the places where they argue.

so all I have is this, this little text. to quench my thirst of being "abused" or "mistreated" I don't even know anymore.

I love them, dearly. but I just can't spend the rest of my life stuck to them like glue, I know my siblings will be confused and sad. but I just NEED to free myself, I need to be in charge of where and when I can go.

I want to do walks, I want to aimlessly walk malls, I want to work a job or just maybe die.

it's just overwhelming, I want that freedom. and I want to go to my own home, meet people. fall in love, make something of myself. 

make mistakes I'm proud of, and funk up bad. go to THERAPY, god I just want that.

but I'm just stuck in a cycle I can't escape, maybe one day I will. and I'll cry many tears and walk my small stupid apartment, and put up posters and play online games. and talk with people I don't know, and just exist in the way I want to.

find people like me, and go to arcades and spend my pocket money on it. I wander the world, learn a language! I want to do so much and yet I'm trapped.

but one day I'll leave, one day I'll be on my own and it will be so nice.

-pop

Wanna add that never do i have the privilege to express my anger as its always fought back with more anger, like goddamnit how can you be mad and i listen when you can't accept a tinge??

Anyway, as you're independent, you'll do good living alone and working alone one day,, do all the things you want and meet anyone you want. Just remember going as a lone wolf will also have it's troubles so atleast find/have someone to trust along the way.

An absolute survivor, go slay sir/maam.

- j