#I've been doing this for years and I have found so many incredible artists this way

[keydekyie]

you know what? You should get in the habit of following an artist if you like and/or reblog something from them. If you liked that piece, you're sure to like the rest.

[hunnylagoon]

When I Was Your Girl

Stage Fright

Rockstar! Ellie Williams x pop star! Reader

‘Fame is a poison most would drink happily despite the warning of a slow and painful death’

Premise: You and fell in love as nobodies and fell out of love in the limelight. Now you are forced to deal with ghosts who haunt you like a melody.

Warnings: small mentions of drinking and drugs / wee bit of violence / Ellie is a dick

Fake albums mentioned: Solstice / Smokey Eyes

I've never been anything more than a joke.

I'm so childish they took it for maturity, and I'm so serious they took it for silly.

Even since I began my career, I was spotted at eighteen by a skeezy producer when I sold myself at a strip club to make ends meet, because dreaming never paid the bills. I wish that I had been found somewhere else, maybe one of the restaurants I sang at on karaoke nights or the park where I poured my soul into art through my uncle’s old acoustic guitar. 

"How are you feeling right now?" A tanned woman with slick back hair shoves a microphone into my face while an emotionless man holds the camera. "I mean, seven years in the industry and you've just received your first Grammy nominations."

"I'm feeling kind of freaked out, to be honest," I face the woman with a sheepish smile on my face, trying the best I can not to look at the large camera lurking beside me.

"Rightfully," Her teeth are so white that they almost blind me and I get distracted by myself as I try to figure out whether they are veneers or not. "Do you think you'll be bringing any hardware home tonight?"

She moves the microphone back to my face and I flinch out of instinct, we both laugh for the camera but I can tell she's annoyed "Honestly, I'm just happy to be here, as corny as it sounds it is such an honour to be around so many incredible artists."

"So humble," She smiles then turns to the camera to address the viewers "I think we all know she's gonna be sleeping tonight with a golden gramophone under her pillow," She forces a laugh, trying to capture the raw essence of this overly manufactured moment. The interviewer turns back to me "Now, I know this isn't your first rodeo, is there anyone here you aren't looking forward to seeing, you don't have to name any names."

Fuck I hate these bloodsuckers. She is so obviously trying to milk my broken engagement which was still very much fresh. I uphold my false smile though and shake my head "Nope, if anything I think I'm looking forward to some mingling,"

She looks irritated, covering it up only by a close-lipped smile. "Well, then I'll let you get on with that."

I give her a curt wave and continue my way down the red carpet, maneuvering through other celebrities, we all have common ground, we are blinded by the flashing lights. I try my best to avoid any more journalists but I see Abby Anderson speaking to one and sneak up behind her, tapping her on the shoulder.

She turns around and greets me with a huge smile "I was wondering when I was gonna see you," Abby smiles and slings an arm around my shoulders looking to the journalist while I glance at the camera "I'm telling you, this girl needs to clear some space out on her trophy shelf."

I grin at her, genuinely. Abby had always been kind to me, we first met when I was nineteen and the both of us signed up for Atlantic Records. "She's just being nice," I say.

"And she's just being humble!" Abby squeezes me, it's a simple gesture but it means the world to me, it's her way of saying 'I got you'.

I shake my head "Abby is gonna be the real winner tonight."

The man holding a microphone in front of us smiles "We'll see who's right, my bet is both of you," He turns his attention to me directly "So I understand that you took a bit of a break after releasing your album, Solstice, is this considered your comeback?"

"Nope," I smile despite wanting to snatch the microphone from his hand and beat the camera with it until it shatters "There isn't anything to come back from."

He tilts his head giving the over-animated 'Are you serious?' look for whoever is watching. Every journalist was like a vampire trying to bleed me dry. The journalist, impeccably dressed in a tailored suit that exudes both sophistication and confidence searches his mind for another question "Well your album honestly was such a work of art and there has been talk that you are working on another one, is there anyone here that inspired any of those songs?"

"Nope."

"I think we should ask Ellie the same question," He laughs at his joke like it was funny. 

"And I think we should be heading off now," Abby answers for me and guides me away from the barricade of reporters and journalists, away from the cameras prying into my soul.

As I walk along the red carpet, I don't bother to stop and pose for any more pictures, I pick up the long skirts of my dress and usher myself to weave between the other celebrities. I nearly turn my ankle and take a tumble, wow, sure glad that 30 photographers caught that moment.

I was drenched in a deep, enchanting shade of midnight blue, the gown captivated with its sleek silhouette. The magic shows in the intricate details that adorn the fabric, reminiscent of the cosmos itself. Delicate embroidery of constellations graces the entire dress, forming a celestial tapestry that seems to come alive under the harsh shine of lights. The celestial patterns are meticulously sewn into the fabric, resembling a night sky filled with stars and constellations, creating an ethereal and otherworldly charm. Paired with the constellation dress, I wear a diamond choker and matching teardrop earrings.

I had lost Abby at some point in my little runaway leaving me to get into the auditorium where the award ceremony is to take place. 

Nearly the very second I walk in I hear a man yell my name, he is seated in the second row and it takes an awkwardly long amount of time for him to jog over to me. "Hey, kid!" He grins, hugging me, I don't hug him in return, I just freeze. It was Graham Wilson, I could smell the liquor on his breath.

Graham Wilson was a man who used to write very successful rock songs in his twenties with his band (the majority now deceased), he was nearing his sixties and was the definition of a has-been. I remember when I was a kid and I would listen to him on my iPod; though in recent days he's become known for ridiculous stunts, DUIs and homophobic tweets, even better known for how he found out I was gay and announced that he was no longer homophobic because, in his words 'Those gays can sure write good music' and then thanked me in his tweet, even tagging my account.

His frame carries the weight of a bygone era, specifically his beer belly. His once-lustrous, shoulder-length hair has succumbed to streaks of gray, hanging limply around his face like faded echoes of a rebellious past. Despite the passage of time, a few remnants of the rockstar allure linger - a faint scar above his right eyebrow, a reminder of a wild night in an underground club, and the subtle tattoos peeking out from under the sleeves of his wrinkled suit jacket.

"Hey, Graham," I give him a tight-lipped smile out of courtesy, in no means do I wish to talk to him. 

"You better win best album tonight," He gives me a hard slap on the back. Every time I see him he acts like we're friends just because he was a judge on a singing reality show that I was on seven years prior.

"I'll try my best," I try to excuse myself but he speaks again.

"I said seven years ago when I saw you on that stage that you were gonna be a star so don't let me down," He points a finger at me and gives me a weird smirk. When he smirks I almost think he's having a stroke until he starts to laugh and reveals his rows of teeth that are beginning to rot from his not-so-subtle drug abuse.

"Okay," I give him a nod and a quick wave goodbye to sneak away and pretend that I didn't converse with him. It seems like I'm early to take my seat, people are still piling in and being ushered to their spots, and seat fillers are standing around sheepishly while they try to take discreet photos of celebrities.

My seat is on the end of row two, right on the aisle, I feel myself split into a grin. If you weren't aware, Who sits where is a major status symbol. And though awards show organizers may deny it, it's awfully convenient to be sitting in the front row or on the aisle if you're about to accept a ton of trophies.

I was shaking with nerves, I got nominated three times and maybe there was hope that I would win at least one category.

When I saw Ellie I almost wanted to hide my face, she walked in with a new girl she slung her arm around, Jesse, Dina, and Cat in tow. I'm thankful to see that they're sitting front row of the opposite section of me and have yet to notice me.

I'm not sure if you have ever fallen in love, dated, gone on tour, moved in together, adopted a dog, written a couple of songs, got engaged, then broken up with someone and had the entire thing be documented publically but it's not the best feeling when you have to be in the same room as them again.

Everything with Ellie used to be so perfect.

The first thing I ever noticed about her were her eyes, her sad eyes. She looked like a puppy that had been kicked around for far too long; neglected and mistreated by whoever was cruel enough to show her such torment. Her eyebrows furrowed like each thought running through her head was a worry.

It's hard to look at her now, I know this girl inside out but we are strangers. 

I liked to pretend that the beautiful girl she was with was just there for show but I knew it was untrue when I saw her snake her hand around her waist just like she did to me. She runs through girls like they're cigarettes, she uses them until they burn out or she grows sick of them.

Two years ago at this very same award show, Ellie accepted Song of the Year for the song she wrote about me, 'Everlong'. She had even invited me on stage during her speech and announced to the world how in love she was with me.

If only I knew I could come to hate someone I used to love to death.

My hate was only solidified when Ellie and the Ashmen dropped their most recent album titled 'Smokey Eyes' just three months after our broken engagement. The entire album was about me and dear god it almost ruined my career.

Ellie had managed to paint me in a horrible light that made me seem like the scum of the earth. She wrote about me having substance issues and overall just sang happily about how much she despised me. Her song 'Me vs Your Friends' wrecked me. After speculation began over that song online, her fans decided that they loathed me just the same as Ellie did; this meant that I was doxxed, sent death threats, had my home broken into, and forced to move.

She wasn't the slightest bit sorry.

I spent the award ceremony dazed out, to be truthful, these types of events were boring. They dragged on for ages and you had to sit through the same generic speeches over and over again of people thanking their parents and producers, I hated both of those.

I watched as Amelia Swan walked on stage, she was a nepotism baby, the daughter of some big-shot director and beautiful all the same. In the glittering spotlight of the grand award show stage, a vision of elegance takes center stage as the next announcer for the evening. A beautiful woman, her porcelain skin seemingly kissed by moonlight, graces the audience with a timeless allure. Her dark, cascading hair frames her face in a sleek, sophisticated manner, accentuating the delicate features that radiate a captivating charm.

Draped in a resplendent pink gown, the fabric sits tight against her slim body. The gown is a masterpiece of design. Its silhouette accentuates her figure with tasteful precision, while the soft hue of pink complements her fair complexion.

"Hello!" She smiles and the crowd begins to cheer "I'm going to cut to the chase because I know all of you are as excited to find out the winner as I am."

Amelia begins to go through the nominees, my breath hitches in my throat when she says my name, though I play it cool the best I can and smile softly when the camera zooms in on me in the crowd.

Her eyes, framed by carefully styled lashes and a hint of rosy eyeshadow, exude warmth and confidence. Lips adorned with a subtle shade of pink curve into a welcoming smile, inviting the audience to share in the excitement of the announcement. 

"The winner of Album of the Year is..." I could've sworn I nearly passed out when Amelia said my name.

Nothing felt real, it was like I was living the dreams that I made up when I was a little girl staying up late in my uncles back yard, talking to the indigo sky and speaking to it with delusions of security and stardom.

I shake when I stand up from my chair. The person next to me hugs me and I don't even know who she is but I hug her in return.

Amelia gestures for me to join her on stage with a huge smile on her face. I make my way down the aisle and up the steps leading to the stage. Amelia handed the statue of the golden gramophone to me along with the microphone to give my speech.

At this moment, the stage is my kingdom "I didn't prepare anything because I honestly didn't think I would win but I'd like to thank my little sister, Marceline, and my late uncle, Richie, god rest his soul. Everything I've done leading me to this moment has been for them, every lyric, every night I'm up till dawn writing. Even though Richie can't be here in person, I carry a little piece of him with me everywhere I go, he's all around me, I see him in the songs I write, in the melody of an acoustic guitar, and in the faces of those gentle enough to show me kindness."

The audience applauds for me, even Ellie who stares me down bitterly. I had sung in front of thousands of people but it would never compare to this moment.

I wipe a tear away from my eye "I would also like to thank all of my fans, you guys are just the fucking best," I giggle through my crying "I feel like you've been sent down by Richie and Marceline I know you're watching me right now, please give my dog some love for me. Please know that I don't come from anything, I was born from dirt and dreams for something more than a ratty town in Canada."

I lived for the applause.

"I mean, I've always been good and never great so this means a lot to me-

Ameilia places a hand on my shoulder to stop me "There was a bit of a mix-up," She announces "I'm sorry, love, you didn't win," She says just to me, dark eyes full of remorse.

"What?" I almost think it's a sick joke.

Amelia holds the microphone to her face to be heard by the audience "I'm not joking," She shows the contents of a card to the crowd "The real winners for album of the year are Ellie and the Ashmen for their album Smokey Eyes." Gasps sound from the audience and I can only imagine what those watching from home are doing

The camera pans to where Ellie, Dina, Jesse, and Cat sit, Ellie is laughing; not laughing, cackling, it only grows and now she's laughing so hard she can barely breathe. Suddenly I didn't feel like I was king of the world, it felt like the desolation of a hangover had hit me in the span of 90 seconds.

Dina gives Ellie a harsh elbow to her bicep, telling her to be respectful. The four of them rise from their chairs and make their way up to the stage, where I stand, paralyzed.

"Congratulations," I give Ellie a tight-lipped smile and hand the award off to her.

She smiled smugly at me and took it "Thanks, smokey eyes," Ellie held the statue up to display it. Smokey eyes was a nickname she had given me when we first met since I always had dark circles she said they looked like smoke from a forest fire. I told you that album was about me. What made me more mad is that it was such a stupid fucking nickname.

My mouth goes dry, it tastes like salt and failure.

I take many steps back, trying to hide myself at the back of the stage while I watch the Ashmen bathe in the glory I thought was mine.

"I didn't prepare anything because I honestly didn't think I would win," Ellie begins to mock me "But I'd like to thank my best friends, Dina, Jesse, and Cat, I couldn't have done it without you," She motions at her band members beside her "But I also couldn't have done it without my dad, thank you, Joel, you're out there in the cheap seats but I fucking love you," She waves out into the crowds somewhere before handing the microphone off to Dina.

"I am so beyond grateful-

"No!" Someone yells from the ground and all attention turns to him "This is not fair!" Graham shouts, walking up the stairs. Everyone in the room looks at one another trying to figure out what is going on. Graham snatches the microphone from Dina "I'm proud of you four but listen."

Everyone is silent completely, no one is sure what to do so we let Graham continue.

"I met everyone on this stage seven years ago," He throws one arm out for dramatics "Except for Amelia, I don't know you," Graham is more dishevelled than he was when I saw him earlier that night "Let me tell all of you that Ellie was in love with this girl since the day they met!" Graham points at me, now things are getting weird, well weirder. “I know because I was there and you all saw it on TV!”

It was no secret that Ellie and I were together since we met on Road to Stardom, a singing reality show where people compete for-well, stardom. Every step of our relationship had been very public, not by choice but by unfortunate circumstances. It is for this reason I was afraid of what Graham would spout next.

"Without her, Smokey Eyes wouldn't have ever been written, Ellie would've had no inspiration for it," He babbles "But more so my point is, Solstice deserved to win, Smokey Eyes is mediocre at best!"

People in the audience look genuinely concerned, I spot Abby in the third row. She has one hand covering her mouth from pure shock, her eyebrows are furrowed and she almost looks like she's going to throw up.

 "Solstice is the best album to listen to when you're high off salvia on your bathroom floor!" Graham points back at me.

I see Cat mutter something to Jesse along the lines of "He's not wrong."

"Smokey Eyes has three good songs and Solstice has thirteen!" Graham suddenly stops to turn and look at me, he grabs my wrist "Come up here and finish your speech," I shake my head no but he pulls me up anyway.

I freeze, petrified. My eyes are wide and my lips are pressed together in a thin line. I didn't know what to do. Why wasn't anyone doing anything?

Graham's head suddenly snaps from me to Ellie where he takes an intoxicated step closer to her "Give me that damn award, you don't deserve it, especially not after mocking the woman who inspired it!" He lunges for the statue, at first Ellie is stubborn and holds onto it tight.

After 30 seconds of Graham trying to pry the stature away, Ellie gives up and releases it, figuring it best not to fight with a drunk man; in doing so Graham's elbow flies back from sudden loss of resistance and hits me dead in my nose. I yelp out in pain bending over into a crouch and clutching my nose. Graham stumbles back and trips over me, though he is still holding on tight to the statue.

Jesse approaches him slowly. "Hey, man, It's me, I think we should all just settle down and talk this through," He tries to act cool but his eyes are full of worry "I agree, I think Solstice is a great album and it really deserved to win."

Graham clumsily rolled onto his stomach and then stumbled back onto his feet. He was staring Jesse down like this was the Wild West.

Dina rushed over to me to make sure I was okay "Let me see," She gingerly moved my hands away from my nose, it had been knocked crooked and blood was pouring down to my chest where it pooled at the neckline of my dark dress.

Graham chucked the golden gramophone at Cat who jumped back when he did so and took a swing at Jesse who didn't move an inch or even shudder from his drunken punch. It also didn't help Graham that he was a solid four inches shorter than Jesse. Just as Graham was hyping himself up to send another hit, two bulky men grabbed either of Graham's arms and dragged him off the stage and out of sight.

I went home that night with nothing more than a broken nose, and no award but I could rest knowing that night went down infamously in history. My blood dripped onto the stage of the Grammys.

That was the night I truly became famous.

Grade eight- Age thirteen 

Middle school is hard.

Even harder when you have two friends, one of them is a guy who is obsessed with Star Wars and is hardly at school because he's always having an allergic reaction, and the other friend is my English teacher. I ate lunch in her class while he graded schoolwork on days that Milo was too sick to show up for school.

I never understood why kids are so fucking mean. Like sometimes I'm having a good day and then I remember when I sang at the middle school talent show.

Some kid who was destined to have a blunt in his hand finished doing tricks on his skateboard rolled off stage and it was my turn.

In the dimly lit auditorium, adorned with colourful decorations for the annual school talent show, I took center stage with my guitar, a blend of excitement and nervousness etched across my face. The hushed whispers of the audience faded as I strummed the first chords, the notes carrying the beginning to the first of many performances in my life

"If you gave me only one wish,

I wouldn't want to feel this way.

They told me I'd have your memory

But all I want is you to stay

And I can't stop my mind from haunting me,

It's like a scar on a butterfly's wing,

I wanted you to know."

I had worked tirelessly to perfect the lyrics to my first ever song, begging my uncle who was far more practiced for his input. This was way back when I still lived in fuck ass nowhere Alberta, I had that country twang in my high voice though it carried a specific tenderness.

"This beautiful pain that I feel is all because of you

And one day these bones will heal

And they'll leave me with the truth

And I'll give you everything if it's the last thing that I do.

This beautiful pain, this beautiful pain

This beautiful pain for you."

However, as I sang my little heart out, a different melody began to play in the background - the snickers and hushed comments of some classmates who couldn't appreciate the vulnerability I laid bare on the stage. Their laughter, like discordant notes in a once-harmonious piece, reverberated through the auditorium.

"If I sailed the world on stormy seas

Chasing sunlight that I can't see.

I was a dreamer here before,

Before I woke up and fell to the floor

And I'd climb to heaven if I could find you,

Even with a scar this butterfly flew.

I wanted you to know."

I spotted one group in particular, they hated me already and this would give them all the more reason to bully me.

"This beautiful pain that I feel is all because of you

And one day, these bones will heal

And they'll leave me with the truth

And I'll give you everything if it's the last thing that I do

This beautiful pain, this beautiful pain, this beautiful pain."

Maybe the lyrics were the slightest bit corny but I was thirteen and these girls were being little cunts. I bit back the tears I so clearly wanted to release when I saw a teacher had to walk over to the group of girls to stop their laughing. It wasn't just that one group though, kids scattered all over were fighting back giggles and that made it hurt all the worse.

"And all I'll ever need

And all I'll ever be,

Within every part of me is this,

This beautiful pain that I feel is all because of you

And one day these bones will heal

And leave me with the truth

And I'll give you everything 'cause it was all I ever knew.

This beautiful pain,

This beautiful pain,

This beautiful pain,

For you."

As the last note hung in the air, the room was divided. Some applauded, recognizing the authenticity of my performance, while others continued their derisive comments. So the majority who liked my singing were teachers, but that didn't matter, at least my music got through to someone.

The rest of the day was even more difficult than my three-minute performance, at least that was over quickly but the comments from Kennedy and her friends left me leaving school in tears.

I didn't go home that day, I walked the extra ten minutes to get to my uncle's house. Lugging my guitar and newfound hate for music with me. The façade, adorned with a mismatched collection of potted plants and a welcoming, hand-painted sign that read ‘Home Sweet Home’ hinted at my uncle's efforts to infuse joy into his surroundings. The paint on the wooden shutters might have faded, but they held stories of many seasons gone by. The roof, patched with a variety of materials, showed the resourcefulness of my uncle in their attempt to shield the interior from the whims of weather. 

He tried to make the house look nice for me and my little sister. He was by no means rich in money but rich in what mattered, the love he had for me was overflowing.

It wasn't a particularly nice neighbourhood either, his house was small, with two bedrooms and a basement I wasn't allowed in. But every time I think of the chipped blue walls, I feel a warm sense of nostalgia run down my spine.

"Who's there?" I hear Uncle Richie call from the kitchen where he is cooking something.

"Just me," I yell back, dropping my guitar case on the ground and belly-flopping onto his old brown leather couch that had more tears in it than I could count; he had tried to stich some of them up with embroidery floss but ultimately gave up, deciding to let it be since he couldn't afford to replace it.

"Why aren't you at your mom's, Chickadee?"

"I don't wanna see Mom right now, she's gonna put me in an even worse mood," I call back grabbing the TV remote off of the water-damaged coffee table.

"What happened?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

Minutes later Richie walks into the living room to join me, he carries a bowl of Kraft Mac and cheese with two forks shoved in it, he taps the bottom of my socked feet, signalling for me to move them so he can fit on the couch with me. Uncle Richie has a buzz cut and beard stubble that I have never seen him without, he has never been seen without a flannel on, not as long as I've been alive. What I remember the clearest about him though was the scar beneath his right eye, when I was younger he would tell me that he got it from a pirate though I stopped believing that. "So are you going to tell me why you're sulking?"

I ignore him and he reaches for the remote to turn the TV off "Hey, I watching that," I mutter.

"Well I'm waiting for you to answer me, Chickadee," He tilts his head "Or you won't get any kraft dinner."

"I sang at the talent show today."

"And?"

"Everyone made fun of me."

He furrows his eyebrows "Why would they do that?"

"Why do you think?" I snark "Because I'm not good enough and I'm a bad singer and I have a shit guitar." I immediately regret my words. Uncle Richie was the one who gave me that guitar, it was all he could manage with his income, it was his back when he had dreams of his own but he fixed it up so I could pick up where he left off. The guitar itself had a cracking between the face and the side that was being held together with duct tape, not to mention the whole thing was basically reinforced with superglue and there were Sharpie drabbles on it of poems and potential songs Richie started that I will be sure to finish.

"This is the best guitar in the world," He reaches behind the couch where I left it slugs the case onto his lap and opens it to showcase the guitar "Because it's full of something money can’t buy, there is love built into this guitar and every time you play it you feel that love."

"I don't feel love when I play," I say, eyes brimming with tears.

"Then you're not playing right," He smiles, discarding the case on the floor "Did you play the song I helped you write?"

I nod "Kennedy said it was worse than shoving nails into her ears and that my guitar was decrepit and even more fugly than I am."

"Well Kennedy is a little cunt," He answers "Don't tell anyone I said that." His words make me giggle. I watch him intently as he begins to strum some chords on the guitar, the beginning of Beautiful Pain, he stops when I don't sing the lyrics, glancing at me until the words finally fall from my lips.

After the first two Stanzas, he hands the guitar off to me, nodding his head along to my gentle strums.

When I finish the song and strike the last chord, Richie claps a huge smile on his face "Do you feel the love yet?"

"I dunno."

"Then play again," He says "Don't think about those bitchy little girls," His tone is dead serious "You just gave all of those people a free performance, in ten years they are going to be paying hundreds just to get a bad seat at one of your shows and they will buried so far in the back of your mind that you won't even remember their names or all of those awful words they say to you, the only words that will matter are the ones you sing."

"So what do I do?"

"Play music because you love it, it doesn't matter if it takes you anywhere or if it makes you any money. That's why you should play, play for love not greed."

Wordlessly I begin the song over again, blocking out the rest of the world while I softly sing the lyrics. I strum each cord perfectly, my singing to match. I will forever think back to this moment, this is where I can pinpoint the exact second I fell in love with music.

I wrap up the song and Richie speaks up "Do you still want to watch TV?"

I shake my head "Can you help me write another song?" 

-

Sinjinisoverboard: I love love love the new single but does anyone else miss her debut era?????? I feel like she's sold out

     woodmonkey92: Reply to Sinjinisoverboard╰┈➤ this is so true, I remember when she would sing in parks and she was actually happy just being herself

     theend_is_n3ar: Reply to woodmonkey92╰┈➤ bruh you don't remember that, she was a nobody when she sang in parks plus she literally got heckled and ridiculed by her classmates so bad that she gave up on singing in public and almost gave up on music as a whole

     user37768638493: Reply to sinjinisoverboard╰┈➤ as much as I love her it really seems like she's fallen off the rails

conner_stoll_it: She's not even the same person anymore. I fell in love her original music and who she was when she wrote it, then she signed with a record label now she's an in-genuine copy of every pop star.

     Alina_b12: Reply to conner_stoll_it╰┈➤ you fell in love with her old music?? 💀💀💀 she wasn't even past 100 subscribers when she released her debut album and after she released she literally gained 11 listeners on Spotify to get a total of 24 so don't lie and say that you heard it before hearing her mainstream music

     Luciaisdonewithlife: Reply to conner_stoll_it╰┈➤ Her old music was so relatable, she got famous and it’s kind of hard to relate to someone who's net worth is more money then I can even fathom

     hazeinmorningcraze: Reply to Luciaisdonewithlife╰┈➤I think that's why it was so easy for everybody to side with Ellie during the breakup, Ellie kept true to who she is, her girlfriend however did not.

     Luciaisdonewithlife: Reply to hazeinthemorningcraze╰┈➤*fiancé

     hazeinthemorningcraze: Reply to Luciaisdonewithlife╰┈➤ ew don't remind me

     maiya_onthec0ast: Reply to conner_stoll_it╰┈➤ We should remember that no one listened to her when she released her debut music. She said in an interview that before she signed with Atlantic Records she had 24 listeners and 76 subscribers. We only know who she is because of her mainstream music, you aren't better than anyone for needlessly hating on her.

stargirlthesequel: God who else misses the southern twang she used to have in her voice?

      Vampire_empire2: Reply to stargirlthesequel╰┈➤LMAO acting like you know her is crazy

      Aline_b12: Reply to stargirlthesequel╰┈➤parasocial relationships are really becoming apparent rn

thismightbeskylarwwhiteyo: It's soooooo annoying when people hate on Solstice for being mainstream like all Ashmen discography isn't top on charters since they dropped their first album

     dancedancerev0lution: Reply to thismightbeskylarwwhiteyo╰┈➤I've been saying this! Ellie has been in the industry way longer, she's always had a big fan base, even when she was still a solo artist!

    elliespurplemonster: Reply to thismightbeskylaarwwhiteyo╰┈➤ Ellie Williams on 🔝

    call_urm0ther: Reply to elliespurplemonster╰┈➤ kys she treated her fiancé horribly

    elliespurplemonster: Reply to call_urm0ther╰┈➤ how would you know that????? Were you there??????

    follow_kendra88: Reply to call_urm0ther╰┈➤Ellie was the one who was treated horribly in that relationship, have you even listened to Smokey Eyes?

    ellies_no2girl: Reply to call_urm0ther╰┈➤Ellie was so in love and just got used for fame 🥺💔

     call_urm0ther: Reply to ellies_no2girl╰┈➤fuck off with your cringe ass emojis

sorryyileft___:You guys are so weird for saying Ellie was used by her ex for fame, they literally were on the same show at the same age at the same time and got thrown into the limelight at the same time, Ellie and the Ashmen just got more popular.

   mybodyisacage: Reply to sorryyileft___╰┈➤Ellie had a bit of a YouTube presence before she was on Stardom, it wasn't a crazy number but it was a cult following and that's why she won Stardom, bc she had fans to begin with then gained even more after being on national television

    elliespurplemonster: Reply to mybodyisacage╰┈➤She didn't win bc of following she won bc she's a good artist

    mybodyisacage: Reply to elliespurplemonster╰┈➤I never said she wasn't

bodhi_van34: I thought the whole thing at the Grammy's was an act until I saw all those news articles about Graham Wilson getting arrested

  carlyswarly: Reply to bodhi_van34╰┈➤They did a drug test when he got arrested and found coke in his system

    may0mayyyo: Reply to carlyswarly╰┈➤A busboy who worked the event said that Graham was doing cocaine in the bathroom

   body_van34: Reply to may0mayyyo╰┈➤ LMAO WTF 

charlotte_5freakingdidit: EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT ELLIE WILLIAMS BEING MEAN TO HER EX BUT GRAHAM WILSON LITERALLY ASSAULTED A POPSTAR ON STAGE AND TRIED TO THROW HANDS WITH JESSE LMAO IM DIFFUSING

juliaa__stirling: The way Ellie was laughing when Amelia said she messed up the cards was so rude and immature. Her fans are insane for defending her. All of that just because her ex fiancé gave a speech about working hard, imagine how she felt after being so honest with everyone just for her to not actually win and think about how she feels now reading all of these posts.

botoxangel: Celebrities have feelings too, Amelia made a mistake she's probably embarrassed but not as embarrassed as that poor woman is for putting her soul into a speech just for her ex and all of her fan girls to ridicule her for a mistake that wasn't even hers.

    karaleaah778: Reply to botoxangel╰┈➤exactly! And why are people blaming Amelia??? She was given the envelope by someone else, she genuinely thought her friend won.

carlosislost: Why is Graham even invited to these events?????????

katie_katelynsm1th: Reply to carlosislost╰┈➤Bc it's funny when he causes a scene

howto_nevrst0ppbeingsad: I know you guys think this Grammy situation is so funny but it's really not. Graham is clearly mentally ill, this is a cry for help.

   elleryc3llery: Reply to howto_nevrst0ppbeingsad╰┈➤Dude it's hilarious

  3emmettttt: Reply to howto_nevrst0ppbeing sad╰┈➤The way you're worried about the has been and not the girl whose nose he broke

allysaaaa663638: LMAO THE WAY SHE ACTUALLY THOUGHT SHE WON THE AWARD AND SHE DESERVED IT SHDBDBEGHWWBSV

jessicadacoolest: Ellie is so real for laughing bc I would've done the same tbh

hennyrumwine: Dumb bitch deserved to be hit lollllllll

4444carmencarmen4444: I love the Ashmen's music but I hate Ellie sm, I just feel like she's a fuck girl and she gives me very rude vibes. Like laughing at her ex and then mocking her heartfelt speech is INSANE anyways stream Solstice

sittingwaiting_wishing: I honestly have hated Ellie since the breakup, she's changed so much since then. She used to be funny now she's just mean.

carissaandher_h0ttakes: I still think it's kind of crazy that Dina and Jesse followed through with Ellie on Smokey Eyes because they were really close to her when she was engaged to Ellie, can't imagine how many ties that album severed

    elliessmokeyeye: Reply to carissaandher_h0ttakes╰┈➤I think about this all the time! She was literally the god mother for Dina and Jesses kid

     carissaandher_h0ttakes: Reply to elliessmokeyeye╰┈➤it make me think that she might've done something to them to make them hate her the way Ellie does, Ellie did say that she didn't write all of the songs for Smokey Eyes 🤔🤔🤔

"Do you see how this backlash doesn't look good for anyone?" My agent, Caroline asks after showing me several Twitter posts that are under the trending tag.

"Well, it's not really my fault."

"Nonetheless, I think It's time for a rebrand." She sets her phone face down and looks at me from across her desk "Do you remember when you went on tour with the Ashmen when you were around twenty-one?"

My eyes go wide, I'm already shaking my head "Please-

"This is an awful event that you can turn into an amazing opportunity and capitalize on it," The backdrop behind Caroline is almost blinding, it's an annoyingly hot LA day and I want nothing more than to be back in Canada and swimming in lakes with my little sister.

"Caroline, mentally I can't handle a tour with Ellie."

"Mentally, you're gonna have to," She says, getting stern "Your fans either hate each other or they love both of you and feel like their parents have divorced."

I know that I will argue with Caroline for the next hour and threaten to fire her but eventually, she will win, so until then I am preoccupied with thoughts of everything but Ellie, soaking in the last moments I will have until she envelopes my brain and suffocates me from the inside out.

I am sure that with Ellie, I will die before winter comes and I am doubtful that I will ever bloom again.

[violetasteracademic]

I know this has been said a million times in a million ways, but I humbly request an audience to September Virgo out for a hot minute and share my dissertation on why the "Three Brothers and Three Sisters is *lazy writing*" take is by far the WORST.

If you found me through my Lucien Vanserra's Hero's Journey breakdown (I'll link that at the end) then you already know I am an absolute nerd about book structure. I do not beef with the other ships and genuinely love and am interested in every character in these shipwars. But I get a little hot when I see this take!

The reason being is that 3 and 3 is not "lazy writing." Lazy writing is:

⚫ Conveniently de-escalating all current stakes and conflicts established in the service of a romantic pairing.

⚫ Poorly pacing a book because now we have to explain why a character was thinking about offering another character 1 ticket to ride his face, but now he quickly wants someone else instead that many people offline don't even know about. Structure wise- (we are talking three act structure here, again I have broken that down in the link I'll post below) this means that by the end of Act One, the act in which the lead of our story has been presented with all of the information and their story has been laid out, they are now crossing into Act Two with clarity and set up, (side note-the first act is typically resolved within the first 20% of the book (or less!) we must resolve an existing romance with one character that has not even gotten its opportunity to be told in depth (i.e. Feyre and Tamlin). And reasonably introduce a new romance. As well as the introduction of new plotlines to accommodate the new romance. It's just... it's a plot and pacing nightmare. I'm getting the sweats even thinking about it.

⚫ Ignoring years worth of details and foreshadowing in an act of fan service because the fandom decided they don't like your character, even if you, as the author, very much do.

⚫ Introducing a brand new plot in the middle of a smorgasbord of unresolved plotlines so a newly introduced side character who has already had a complete arc in service of another main character can now become the next main character, leapfrogging over the remaining main characters who have been around since book one with active storylines in development.

Three and three is not "lazy writing." Three is simply a motif. A motif is an artistic/literary device. Three sisters. Three brothers. Three mountains. Three stars on the night court insignia, ect.

Writing is: Structure. Line level prose. Obstacles. Stakes. Character arcs.

I will absolutely allow the criticism that it is cheesy or corny. That is an opinion, and you are totally allowed to have it. We can respectfully disagree on that and it's no skin off my back.

However, Elriel (as well as Vassien) have the elements that *good* writing is comprised of. Characters with steadily increasing arcs. Obstacles at every turn. Incredibly high stakes. And in my opinion (though of course everyone is allowed their own opinion on this!) some downright BREATHTAKING one liners and line level prose in their interactions from ACOMAF all the way to the bonus chapter.

Please, I beg of you, understand that just because you do not like something does not make it lazy or poorly executed. Art is subjective, and when we use our taste to make objective assertions about things we don't prefer, art suffers.

For more on book structure and the possibilities of Lucien and Vassa's absolutely beautiful potential, hop on over here:

Thank you for your time 😂

[mtkay13]

Affection running deep

(^ me pretending I title my illustrations) More info below! It's a bit personal and fandom related.

So WKX likes to bite. Let's be honest, from what I know, most priest "gong"'s do, so this is more a priest thing than a WKX thing--but if we look at TYK in a vacuum, we can still just say that it's a WKX thing (and, coincidentally, in Qi Ye, a Wuxi thing 🤭) It's pretty delightful, isn't it, to think that ZZS will permanently bear the scar of WKX's deep bite in his wrist... I'm going to use this piece as an opportunity to talk a bit about the permanent mark that TYK and QY have been carving into me for the past year and a half, then.

Funnily enough, although I started sketching and making a few illustrations here and there before, I consider that the infamous bite is my real "entry" in this fandom, when I made the animatic based on the scene in the audio drama. It's to this day my most viewed piece, and is sort of what made me... "known" as an artist in the fandom, I guess.

Although I've always devoted the most energy to personal projects, I'm no stranger to being a dedicated fan, even though this is my first real, "public" fandom experience. And honestly, personal and fandom projects combined, the animatic is the biggest, most ambitious work I had ever done so far for something not work-related. It was exhausting, and I almost succumbed to burnout after I finished it (just because, combined with work, it got too much). Ironically, it's the state I found myself in afterwards that made me enjoy rereading TYK in a way I never had before.

It's hard to say, whether I let TYK's fangs sink in my throat, or if I was the one to latch on and not let go ever since; but my life has certainly been changed by it.

I often forget about the bite scene; about the bite, in general. It's rarely ever one of the scenes that I think about spontaneously--and I rarely think about drawing the bite scar. Maybe because I've always thought it was a more typical scene? Maybe because on the surface I didn't resonate that much with it? And yet, as I'm going through really rough times right now, this new piece is what I chose to draw yesterday. A bit more than a year ago, when work felt like it was completely consuming me, this is the scene I chose to animate. I'm not sure there is a point in diving too deeply in this. Maybe, more than I would have assumed, I resonate with the desperation and hope that this scene carries. I'm glad I got here, in this fandom. It has had its very difficult moments, in many different ways, and I've discovered new sources of anxiety along the way--but at the same time, I've discovered many joys that I had never known before, and I think it's worth it. I'm grateful for those books to be in my life--grateful for Wen Kexing, for Zhou Zishu, and all the other characters, to be in my life. But of course, more than that, I'm incredibly grateful for the people I met, for the people who spend time with me, who cheer on me and let me cheer on them. Thanks everyone, for being there, and helping me form memories of better days that I can always look forward to.

I'm glad I'm here.

[matan4il]

Daily update post:

Today, once more we had Palestinian terrorists shooting at the houses of kibbutz Meirav in the Gilboa mountains. No injuries have been reported. The more grave news are that, for the second day in a row, Hezbollah managed to hit a city in Israel, this time Tzfat (in English: Safed), one of the 4 holy cities in Judaism. Hezbollah's rocket barrage caused the death of a young Israeli woman, and wounded 8, one of which is in a critical state.

Meanwhile, we got some good news, too. The mother and teenage son who were seriously hurt by Hezbollah's fire yesterday (see link above) have regained consciousness. Also, Luis Har and Fernando Merman, who had been rescued by the IDF from Hamas captivity in the Gazan city of Rafah, are being released from the hospital today. They obviously have a rehabilitation process to go through still, but this is a good sign.

The IDF has released footage it found of the leader of Hamas in Gaza, Yahya Sinwar, walking down a terror tunnel. The footage is from early in the war, CCTV from Oct 7, as he was evacuating from the northern part of Gaza, exploiting the humanitarian warning given to civilians to move to the south. He's seen with a woman and kids in that tunnel, presumably his wife and his own children. While the footage is older, the IDF got it recently, which shows that the Israeli presence in Gaza allows for the gathering of more and more intel on Hamas.

Speaking of Sinwar, the IDF also got to the bedroom that he, his wife and kids used underground, and among other things, they found there an insne amount of cash, as well as some luxury items like perfumes, which he prepared there, while he forced the people of Gaza to be evacuated into tents:

While South Africa is asking the International Court of Justice to tighten its provisional measures against Israel in light of a future ground operation in Rafah (I've mentioned that only those who are interested in saving Hamas and keeping the Israeli hostages as its assets, have a real reason to try and stop Israel from entering Rafah and destroying Hamas' last 4 regiments), the families of Israeli hostages have landed in Hague today, asking to file a complaint against Hamas and its crimes against humanity.

The Israeli health ministry is preparing for 20,000 people with disabilities due to injuries caused in the line of serving in the IDF by the end of 2024. I don't know how to put into words what this number, out of all able bodied young people fighting in this war, means in terms of our challenges as a soceity for years to come, but if you know something of the social crisis at the end of WWI, when so many young men returned from the war with injuries, amputations and the psychological harm that comes with them and the battles, and that there was a whole artistic movement (expressionism) changed and conveying this distress, then you have an idea of what this means. I'm even more grateful for programs such as the one I wrote about yesterday.

This is 25 years old Ionatan Dean Chaim.

He was born in the US to a Christian family, but fell in love with Judaism, and converted to it. He then chose to make aliyah to Israel all alone, while his family remains across the ocean. Immigration is always a difficult step, even more so if the person is alone, but he chose to do that. And even though he didn't have to, he decided to enter the Israeli army, to serve the state and the people which he chose to join. He was 3 weeks away from his discharge date, and his friends say he was already planning his post-army life, which he was killed by explosives that Hamas placed in a mosque in Gaza. His service is a testament to how much he loved and respected his chosen religion. The way he was killed is a testament to how much Hamas doesn't respect the religion in whose name they kill. Ionatan's friends said he was incredibly kind, and it was a privilege to know him. Even the city he lived in during his too short stay in Israel, Ramat Gan, published an official statement mourning his death. He chose to be one of us, and to pay a heavy price for it, and we choose to embrace him right back, even after he's gone. Ionatan is and always will be a part of us, flesh of our flesh.

May his memory be a blessing.

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[choochooboss]

Introducing your station master & Magma event host!

Since there's already a lot of passengers visiting this station and I haven't spared much time to get to know my fellow submas fans over Tumbrl yet, an introduction would be in place!

I'm Jun, nice to meet you! *offers a hand for for a shake* I am a devoted submas artist & a monthly Magma event host! I go by ChooChooBoss everywhere (Twitter/Bsky/Twitch/Ko-Fi)!

This will be a long post! I will write a short intro as well which you can just skim through but here is a more in depth view how I got into submas, my other interests and life in general, in case you'd wish to know more about your conductor on this silly train!

How did I get into submas in the first place?

PLA. I met this certain mysterious & cool fellow time traveler and got curious! After the cave scene I went to read his Wiki, found out about Emmet, and... yeah. The emotional impact blasted me right out of a miserable cycle I was going through back then and set my soul on fire!! A month later I set up my first art account on Twitter, and the rest is history. They've become my greatest source of strength and inspiration and I enjoy drawing them every single day!

I love both twins very much! I tend to vibe with Ingo a little more than Emmet, but I draw Emmet more. People say I remind of butler Ingo the most, hehe. I certainly don't mind because I'm a big fan of butlermas!! In fact I got into submas & started playing Pokémon Masters EX in April 2022, a week before butler Ingo banner rolled in, so they truly got a special place in my heart ahah! (pssst draw more butlermas for me pls pls pls-)

However I don't draw warden Ingo as much as I would like to. I still get pretty emotional over his fate ahah, I can't draw him without a single tear! This sweet & kind man leading a good life and being an inspiration to others has been torn from literally everything he had for seemingly no reason apart from his name, clothes and the muscle memory and even those are barely intact. It seems like a miracle he's still standing and breathing after put through everything judging by the wear and tear on his uniform and body. Despite all that he carries a positive attitude, assists everyone in need, and does his best to help people and pokémon understand each other, unconditionally... Oh, my face is wet again...

My other interests besides submas?

Monster Hunter! Zelda! Genshin Impact! Super Mario! Trine! Crash Team Racing! And many many more! My favourite genres are platformers, kart racers, and action games, with a side of rhythm games. I'm a big fan of co-op games! I also watch my sis play JRPGs!

Monster Hunter is the dearest to me out of all. I've been hunting for well over a decade starting from MHFU. The games have charmed me with their incredibly satisfying combat system, world building, creature design, great attention to detail, character customisation and the games being nearly fully co-op!!

Other things I do:

Pokémon is practically the only turn-based game I enjoy, mainly because of the characters and collection aspect. However!! I adore Pokémon Colosseum (the first pkmn game I ever played!) and it's double battle focus, so The Indigo Disc has been a delight after the long starvation for double battles, coming up with different combinations makes the battles much more fun to me!!... I sound like Emmet here do I ahahah! We also share the fact we are both left-handed!

Shuffle dancing, daily pull-ups, and expanding my ever growing VGM collection! I also enjoy traveling and taking photos to keep as a diary! I've played piano in a music school for 9 years, and I can also play kalimba. I've done casual boxing, gymnastics, horse riding and medieval swordfighting. I used to read comics/manga and watch movies and anime but nowadays I barely do that, I just rather use that time for drawing instead of just sitting and watching, unless I have company!

I share the apartment with my anxious brother and our two sweet female cats, Laku (11, stubborn and cuddly) and Kalevi (21, demanding and full of love) in a city center. My parents are both entrepreneurs and run a farm in the countryside & I have 4 siblings with me as the middle kid!

Where can you meet me?

I am a game artist by profession, with 4 yrs of studies and roughly 7 years of EXP in the field doing game art, UI design, character/prop design, in mobile games as well as PC titles, 2D and 3D. At the moment I am looking for work; I keep up the motivation and learn new skills by running my art accounts while looking for new opportunities.

I hail from the land of darkness, snow, salmiakki, metalheads and renownly reserved people, Finland! (UTC+2)

Despite having my roots here I am pretty much the opposite of a typical Finn in almost every sense ahah! I'm a small guy who's not afraid talking to strangers and laughs a lot. And I dislike coffee for the contrary, it's very popular amongst finns.

With the inspiration from submas I've finally stepped into the world of cosplay so you can usually meet this small and excitable Ingo in the biggest local conventions, Desucon and Tracon! Come say hi!

About my social battery:

I'm both social and socially anxious ahah! I love making new friends and talking to all sorts of people and writing comments, and gathering together with my mutuals to do cool stuff together! However my social battery is very small... I often struggle with my AD(H)D and anxiety issues, so my replies can be extremely slow. I'm easily overwhelmed when life gets busy and I deal with it by withdrawing to minimise the the stimuli and then sorting my stuff out one by one. This is a frustrating shortcoming, but I'm working hard to find a balance I can maintain without getting exhausted. Please be patient with me! If you don't hear from me in a while, please don't take it personally! In fact, it makes me really happy if you contact me, for any purpose!

Which pronouns do I go with?

I go by they/them! I am also aroace, so if I appear to show any sort of romantic interest, it's definitely not that. I love meeting new people and am quite interested in people in general so I'm excited to get to know you better, but the thing is... I have been confusing people on several occassions for saying things that could be taken as flirting. I am terribly sorry for that, that's just the way I show how I care!

I don't really identify myself by any specific gender either, but rather by my roles or interests (Magma host, submas fan, game artist etc.). Submas encouraged me to enjoy dressing formally even if I'm just sitting at home, because I love formal clothing in general and wearing them makes me feel confident and stand taller! I usually wear collar shirts and black or white slacks.

More about my AD(H)D:

I don't have an official diagnosis but deal with the same problems as AD(H)D people do; poor work memory, dissociation, hyperfocus (drawing and people), sleep deprivation, impulsiveness (juggling too many things and going with the wind), getting sensory/information overloads, and feeling like I don't fit in. I figured it out after I finished school & lost my job for that I am unable to handle big tasks without anyone giving me directions. It has taken a while but I've figured out things that help me manage my daily life as well as have a medication that mainly boosts my capability to get things started which is another great struggle ahah.

How do I manage to keep myself on track?

I use a Pomodoro timer to keep up a good flow and remember to take breaks! This is what I use the most:

I should set it up on my tablet as well. I think it's really cool to see how many hours I have actually put into drawing! Last year I clocked in well over 3k hours, ahaha!

How to catch me?

Right now I have great difficulty managing replies, but usually you can reach me by DMs! I check Discord and Twitter the most often! However I must ask you to respect my current DNI status. It means I am really overwhelmed so I wish nobody comes asking for my attention until it has been lifted, unless it's really necessary. I really love talking to you all but I also have to accept and deal with my own limits strictly like this or it won't work out.

What am I working on at the moment?

Besides the holiday set I have several short comics under works as well as one big comic (100+ pages!). That one is my personal greatest goal! I started working on it in June 2022 and I have currently 40+ pages sketched and 60+ thumbnailed.

I was afraid of starting any comic projects before submas, but the sheer excitement over them carried me over that personal wall ahah!

The story's beginning and end are looking good and somewhat functional but there's still a lot to work to do and holes to fill in the middle before I dare to start fleshing out the pages. I have little experience in writing or comic making so I hope you forgive if some things don't make sense or the dialogue is a little on the nose so to say ahah!

The story will be packed with action with the overall tone being on the darker side, but it sure won't be lacking in humor! The project's main goal is to make it a celebration of all things submas & to prove to myself I can handle a big scale project despite my shortcomings!

This train has reached the terminal!

Thank you for riding my silly submas train!! I adore reading all your tags and comments! They brighten up my day & fuel my passion even more!! I hope to bring many more fun things for you to look forward to!! See you again soon!

ALL ABOARD!!

[genericpuff]

LO Art Analysis (or: A Real Example of Why You Shouldn't Use Multiply for Everything)

I've obviously been spending a lot of time recreating LO art and in that time, I think I've really cracked open some of modern LO's problems with its art. This is a lengthy post so turn on some lo-fi, grab some popcorn and strap in.

One thing in particular that I'm very eager to talk about (and go off about) is Rachel's use of color language and shading.

THERE WILL BE BRIEF FASTPASS PANELS AHEAD IN THIS ANALYSIS. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

One of the key things that most people seem to agree on when it comes to LO's current art quality is the lack of color language. Back in S1, we had colors that seemed to jump off the page, with gorgeous rendering that created panels that were vast and beautiful to take in. It didn't matter if the anatomy was wonky or if the backgrounds were translated directly from Google Sketchup, the color and compositions made up for its flaws and created unique vignettes that individually contributed to what we found so special about LO back in those days.

That last one especially is still hands-down one of the most well-known and influential LO panels out of the entire series. Many a phone background its graced (my own included, I've literally had this as my phone background for like 3 years now) and it serves as a beautiful standalone example of the mood and emotions LO used to convey. You don't need to know the context of the scene, you don't need to know the characters, the mere posing and color choice alone is enough to invoke a reaction from the viewer. It doesn't even have a lot of shading or final rendering, the composition and texturing is all it needs.

So why does a simple panel like that work, but panels like these don't?

I have such beef with this panel because it does the complete opposite of what the famous Tower 4 panel achieves - it puts on full display everything wrong with LO's current art style, from its character posing to its color language aaaall the way to its final rendering.

First off, the character posing and framing. I finally figured out what RS' male characters have been suffering from lately, and it's a phenomenon that I'm sure many of you will be able to recognize right away.

Seth Macfarlane Syndrome.

You might not watch Family Guy, you might not watch American Dad, or the Cleveland Show, but you'll know exactly what I mean when I talk about Seth MacFarlane Syndrome. It's the stiffness, the lack of movement or bend in joints, the boring posing of characters standing with their arms flatly at their sides and their entire body facing the same direction, eyes unblinking - and when they speak, heads slightly tilting, mouths always being conformed to the same default shapes, while the arms do something random and unrelated to create the illusion of natural movement.

This has been an issue in LO for a while now, incredibly flat posing that lacks any sort of dynamic curvature to it, but it's best exemplified by that Ares panel above because holy shit does he ever look like Stan Smith in it. Boxy shoulders with arms that appear to be WAY too short hanging off the side, elbows flattened, hands straightened out, no natural shaping whatsoever.

But that's not the crux of the issue I want to touch on today.

No, the worst offense of this panel is that it indirectly proves what I've been suspicious of for a while now.

To explain real quick for context, there's this thing in digital art called Blend Modes. It's essentially a basic function in digital art that allows you to change the properties of layers for the purpose of shading, rendering, whatever have you. Most of these Blend Modes are the same across all digital art programs, things like Multiply, Screen, Color Dodge, etc. are all fairly basic tools in the digital artist's toolkit but all have an INCREDIBLY high ceiling of mastery - meaning, blend modes are easy to use on a basic level, but require a lot of skill and understanding of color language to utilize to their full potential. Using them right can transform a passable piece of work into a great one - on the flipside, using them wrong can take a passable piece of work and piss all over it.

The one I want to focus on in this post is Multiply. I use this blend mode myself quite often, it basically 'multiplies' the properties of the layers below it, taking whatever colors are below and 'doubling' them to create darker tones. This makes it a go-to for shading.

But the issue with Multiply is that it often ends up being used when it's not supposed to be. Or rather, people starting out will often use it as a substitute for shading when you'd be better off using your own hand-picked colors. I've got characters with skin tones that I can shade with the same color set to Multiply, zero issues, because the base tone is one that doubles well, it creates a nice rich tone on top that's perfect for shading.

But do you know the one color that DOESN'T multiply well?

Yellow.

Yellow is NOT a color you can just multiply, not without the final result looking flat and almost putrid. Most people will thus recommend you shade yellow with other colors along the same side of the color wheel, including oranges and reds. This is precisely why knowing color theory is such an important skill even in digital art, because using Blend Modes improperly can create flat tones that can ruin a final composition.

Going back to that Ares panel...

Again, I've had this suspicion for a while, especially when looking at panels of Persephone (*pink is ALSO a color that doesn't multiply well)

So I put it to the test. I took the original panel, sampled the yellow, and overlaid it with Multiply to see what I'd get.

Fam.

That putrid deep yellow that I mixed above is literally NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS WITH WHAT I EYEDROPPED FROM THE PANEL. Copy and paste that and eyedrop it yourself if you want to see it with your own eyes. It's pretty obvious she did the same thing with Hera as well, you can tell her skin tone has been set to multiply and repainted with the same color, same as with her jacket.

They are using Multiply layers for everything as the default. This is not how Multiply is intended to be used - it's lazy shortcutting that's resulting in flat, boring, ugly compositions.

RS has stated herself that she 'changed' how LO is drawn to help 'streamline' the process for her assistants. This isn't streamlining. This is cutting corners.

Streamlining would be having color palettes to refer to during the coloring and shading process. I use them myself for characters that I CAN'T multiply-shade, I literally have characters whose skin tones are too light and yellow-toned for it - using Multiply would wash out their tones and make them look flat and sickly so I have to use a separate color from a different part of the color wheel to shade them (usually a darker tone of red/orange).

Rachel, babe, this isn't streamlining, this is just taking shortcuts to the point of sabotaging your own work. You can't sit there and tell me THAT looks good and is worth the 'streamlining' when panels like THESE used to exist:

Turn off the Multiply layers and color your characters for once, please, I'm begging you. This is such a rookie move for someone who claims to be a professional (and regularly brags about the awards she's won); not to mention a tragic fall from grace because we know Rachel can and has produced better work than this in the past. She knows color language, she knows how to paint, so why is she resorting to shortcuts like this? She has an entire team of people and yet she's still consistently behind enough in her buffer - or just doesn't care enough anymore - that she's resorting to lazy amateur tactics like using Multiply for everything.

And on the off chance that she ever sees this, Rachel, it's not even that hard to use proper colors. You've done it before, you should already have the color palettes available to you.

(P.S. One handy-dandy experiment to tell if your Multiply layers are failing you is the desaturation test. You'll notice that drawings being made primarily with Multiply layers will look a lot 'flatter' when desaturated, because the shading is just the same color on top of itself and 'doubled', there isn't any actual value or depth in the shading itself. These are the exact same panels I showed before, RS' on the left and mine on the right, they've just been desaturated to show the difference that proper color choice can make when defining values and tones in shading!)

[slavghoul]

First musical emotion?

TF: I grew up in an environment full of music, with a very open-minded mother who listened to a lot of pop and rock music and, above all, an older brother who was 13 years older than me. That's how much I was immersed in teenage culture as a child. I was 3 years old in 1984 when the glam metal wave invaded the airwaves and TV screens. These bands, like Kiss, WASP or Mötley Crüe, very strong visually for a child, attracted me irresistibly. And let's not forget Twisted Sister. I Wanna Rock is the track that remains the basis, the trigger for everything for me. A song that, at 3, 13, 23 or 43 years old, still has the same effect on me as soon as I hear it: to jump in the air like a madman.

First record bought?

If not Kiss, probably a Rolling Stones album. It didn't make much of an impression on me because my brother used to buy so many of them, so my money was mostly spent on Star Wars stuff. There are tons of bands I love, but I think the Stones are my favourite. Because they embody everything I love about rock, even though they weren't as sophisticated as the Beatles or Pink Floyd. Between 1967 and 1972, in their darkest period, nobody did it better than them: they had the look, the attitude, the style and, on top of that, the songs! Let It Bleed is incredible, with songs like Midnight Rambler and Live With Me. As much as I admire technical singers, virtuosos of harmony, Jagger remains unique. I've never tried to imitate him, but as a performer he is the absolute model.

First concert of note?

My brother used to take me to see local punk bands at a very early age, but I remember B.B. King most of all, when I was about 5 or 6, with my mother. It was a jazz festival, outside in the courtyard of a castle, a very cool atmosphere. As soon as B.B. King started playing, there was electricity in the air. Everyone got up and started dancing, I was blown away. And as I was the only one of my age, I could move around freely, so much so that I found myself in the backstage, in front of B.B. King himself! He invited me into his dressing room: "Do you play the guitar?" - Yes! - so don't stop!" And I took his advice. Even though I sing on stage, the guitar is still my favourite instrument, the one I play and master the most.

The band that best managed to avoid the pitfall of the image taking precedence over the music?

Kiss, unfortunately, was far from being up to the task musically. Alice Cooper, after two minor first albums, went on to make four incredible albums with the original Alice Cooper Group. Above all, he made a phenomenal comeback with Welcome to My Nightmare in 1975. After that, the show took over... The band that managed to stay straight and dignified, without compromising the artistic quality of their work, is undoubtedly Iron Maiden. All of their 80's production is impeccable, and if they had a slump in the 90's, they came back even stronger with the return of Bruce Dickinson, and have been going strong for twenty years! Their work ethic is exemplary. With Ghost, we take up Phantom of the Opera, one of my favourite tracks from their early period, and one of the few where I felt we could add a little something to it.

Best punk song in the world?

There are so many, because I was also brought up on the sounds of the Pistols, the Ramones, the Dead Kennedys... But as a kid, I never got tired of listening to The Great Rock'n'Roll Swindle again, especially the sequence where Sid Vicious sings My Way. His version is one of my favourite songs of all time. What could be more awesome than to see a guy slaughtering this standard while doing the same, shooting the shit, with the audience that came to see him! It was like the ultimate middle finger, and it made me happy, and it showed me the way.

The band that remains the grail for you?

Queen, because the show side, the big show, is the ultimate for me. In the early 70s, my favourite musical period, there were no big shows yet, like the Stones started doing afterwards. Queen is the same. Of course, their best albums are from the 70s, but the peak of their career for me is the Wembley concert in 1986. Magic wasn't a great record, but the show was breathtaking, dantesque, with a repertoire as vast as it was delirious. If Ghost could ever come close to the 1986 Queen, I would be delighted.

The greatest Swedish band?

ABBA, of course. No one will ever be able to stand in their way. The Beatles are the monarchs of English rock, ABBA the monarchs of Swedish pop. Björn and Benny are national heroes. I found myself at a huge, formal party when Benny suddenly sat down at the piano and started Thank You For the Music. There was silence in a second. This guy is a monument. You can't imagine what ABBA has done, not only for pop music, but also for Sweden and the Swedes. This band proved that you can move mountains.

Which Ghost song are you most proud of?

Cirice, probably. I often write my songs by singing into my phone a melody that is in my head. We were about to finish the album Meliora. And the co-producer tells me that a really heavy and powerful track is missing. I tell him I have this heavy, heavy, macabre sounding tune with a long intro and a crushing riff. He suggests I tweak it while he goes for a run. When he came back, I had written a chorus, lyrical, catchy. It wasn't the leaden track he was hoping for. But it won us a Grammy!

The most evil band?

Certainly not Mercyful Fate, as one might imagine. They, like most Norwegian death metal bands, more or less satanic, are the most charming guys I've ever met. They seem more like nice teachers than evil creatures. The scariest band is probably Von, a mythical American black metal band from Hawaii. These guys were really scary, with their terrifying size, they looked really dangerous. But I think the evil is mostly on the side of those who pretend to defend the good. For me, the most evil and unattractive musician is Ted Nugent. He's pro-life, pro-hunting, and claims he's only fighting for freedom. But the world he defends is about as free and tolerant as Vladimir Putin's. I refuse to listen to him.

[choicesficwriterscreations]

December Creator of the Month: Oh-So-Youre-a-Nerd

Each month, CFWC highlights one of our talented fanfic writers or artists, and this month’s creator of the month is @oh-so-youre-a-nerd . We're very excited because Ascindio is our very first artist to be highlighted! We hope you will enjoy learning more about them and their work below! The writer is selected at random. More info can be found on the navigation page.

Quick Links:

Tumblr Blog Instagram

How do you want to be known on Tumblr? 

Ascindio 

More below...

1- When did you start playing Choices? What was the first book you played? 

I started playing in 2016, I can't remember if I read Endless Summer or Rules of Engagement first, but I ended up deleting the app after like 2 weeks cause I couldn't stop buying diamonds 😅🤦

I re-downloaded it about, ohh idk 2 years ago?

2- When and why did you join Choices fandom?

I joined the Fandom specifically on Tumblr and specifically for It Lives Within, which happened to come out right after I read the first two books 

3- How did you pick your blog name? 

I always try to seem cool and mysterious when I meet people irl, and then as soon as I open my mouth, I ruin it with some niche trivia or something, and they say,  “Oh, so you're a nerd.” 😂 Can't tell you how many times this exact phrase has been uttered to me. 

4- Pull up the first post in your archive, and tell us about it!  

This is the first Choices related post I made 😂 I was just thinking about the concept of what if characters make terrible decisions cause they're controlled by a player who is out of diamonds lol I was going to do a whole series of them (next was going to be lotr “fly on eagles to mordor?” *30 diamonds* or “simply walk”) but got lazy lol

5- Do you write fanfiction, create fan art, or are you one of those really gifted people who do both? 

Only art. God, I  WISH  I wrote too. I've thought about trying cause I have so many ideas floating around in my head, but at the end of the day, I'd rather spend my free time drawing. 

6- How long have you been creating for Choices and for any other fandoms?

For Choices, since early 2022

For other fandoms, since well, forever, but I only started posting around 2017/18

7- What is your favorite Choices book, and what is your favorite Choices book to create for?

Favorite Choices book is probably It Lives in the Woods. All of the characters were so interesting, I never got bored reading it, and it had an incredible twist that made sense but I still didn't see coming. 

Favorite to create for is probably Blades of Light and Shadow though because I am such a sucker for the fantasy aesthetic.

8- Share your first Choices fanfic or fan art that you posted with us. Do you still like it, or would you change it if you were creating it today?.

This isn't the first Choices art I made, but it IS the first I actually shared

And honestly, I DO still like it because I still remember the way I felt absolutely POSSESSED while drawing it (I hadn't drawn anything for *months*). I would definitely change the background, though. Those trees look like shit, and they're not even the correct type for the kind of forest they're in. 

9- What is your favorite piece of fiction or art that you created? 

My favorite Choices art I've done is probably this piece. 

10- Do you have a fic/art that you didn’t expect to be well received, but it was? What about one you expected to do well but found it could use a little more love?

I definitely didn't expect this one to do well at all as it was so hastily drawn

And I was sad this piece didn't get more love, it was such a dope scene and I was so excited about how the sword turned out

11- If you could only draw one style or type of art for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? 

I'm not sure if I'm interpreting the question right, but if I had to pick like a specific type of art, it would be digital, and I would want to do fan art. I have a hard time painting anything that I don't already have a deep connection with (so original art with no story behind it is usually a chore for me), and digital art is just so incredibly convenient and not messy and so so versatile. 

12 - Do you ever recognize yourself in any of your MCs or in your writing?

Because I use fiction as a way to safely process trauma/ grief/ other big emotions, each MC I make has a small part of me, whichever part I feel the need to explore at the time.

There's an amazing quote by Patrick Rothfuss that I feel explains it perfectly. 

It's from Wise Man's Fear

“These folk knew all about death. They killed their own livestock. They died from fevers, falls, or broken bones gone sour. Death was like an unpleasant neighbor. You didn’t talk about him for fear he might hear you and decide to pay a visit.

Except for stories, of course. Tales of poisoned kings and duels and old wars were fine. They dressed death in foreign clothes and sent him far from your door. A chimney fire or the croup cough were terrifying. But Gibea’s trial or the siege of Enfast, those were different. They were like prayers, like charms muttered late at night when you were walking alone in the dark. Stories were like ha’penny amulets you bought from a peddler, just in case.”

13 - What element of writing/art do you struggle with most?

I have a very difficult time making the poses seem natural and flowing. My all time favorite art is Baroque/Renaissance style and how fluid the poses are, how soft the skin looks, how delicately it's all done. Obviously, I will always have my own style, but those are things that I so want to incorporate but never seem to get quite right, and it drives me crazy 😂

14 - Do you have any neglected work you really want to finish?

Not really. I mean, I have a ton of unfinished work, but as soon as the window of inspiration passes, I just can't get myself to care enough about it to finish it (insert Jake the Dog, “now it's gone, and I don't care about it anymore!” )

15 - If someone you know in real life (who isn’t involved in fandoms) asked to see your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you show them first? 

I would, and have.  I typically show them whatever most rendered recent picture from my Instagram because I don't post any nsfw there and usually try to post only my prettier work for this specific reason haha. (As opposed to here, I post everything here, ain't NO ONE from real life invited to see my tumblr 😂)

16 - Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing or art? Are there any artists that influence you?

Writers: Brandon Sanderson, for sure. He's the reason I got back into art back in 2017 ish. His stories are just so emotional they push me to create. Same with @saibug1022, there is always at least one scene from every story he shares that I desperately want to draw to try to capture the emotions. 

Artists: God, sooo many, here are just like my top 3 favorites and their instagrams.

Audra Auclair

Obsessed with her unique style, and specifically the way she draws eyelids and noses

f3lc4t

The way they draw those dripping, glowing wisps. I stare at their pieces for hours (no lie) trying to dissect them stroke by stroke to figure out how they do it.

Miho Hirano

Their art has a delicate whimsy-ness I would SELL MY SOUL to achieve 

17- Which one of your creations would you like to see a fiction written about? 

JC, this is the shit I DREAM of.

Definitely this one. 

So this is love.

This little comic means a lot to me. 

18- Do you write original fiction or create non-fandom art? 

Very rarely, but I do, every so often. This is my favorite original piece.

20-  What other hobbies do you have?

Gaming, singing, walking through the Cemetary with my wee daughter, reading, that's about it 🤷

21 - What’s your favorite emoji? 

🙇

22: BONUS - tell us anything you’d like (if you want to).

I really wanted to say that I don't believe in “good” art and “bad” art (just ethical vs non-ethical). That being said, I know what it's like to hate your art, like soooo intimately. If you ever are feeling shit about your art, you can ABSOLUTELY message me (I don't care if we're mutuals or not, I don't care if we've never interacted before) and just say, “I am feeling shit about my art” and I will go through your art and tell you every specific thing I love about it and why it's wonderful. I am not joking; I am so so serious rn. 💗💗💗💗 

[iloveyou-writers]

Hi! I'm sorry this ended up longer than I intended to. I really needed to let it out, and I hope you can share some wisdom with me.

I am feeling hopeless about my writing today. Lately I've been fighting with thoughts about how I'm not getting better, and some jealousy completely pushed me to the edge.

For the past couple of months, I've been working on one of the biggest fanfic projects of mine. Normally I don't read on a fandom if I'm actively working for it, exactly because then I compare my writing to others', but since this is taking more time than my other stuff, I allowed myself to take a look today. I immediately found a story that I haven't seen before, and I was exited the whole time! It was great, and have me so much joy.

At first I was full of admiration towards the writer, and inspired to continue woekint on my own story. It was one of the best things I've ever read, and I immediately sat down to write a comment. Then something clicked. My story can't compare to this. The topics are so much different, but the way they write the characters, dialogues, everything, it's so much better.

I tried to tell myself I'm going to get better, but I just hate that despite having great ideas, the finished work will never live up to stories such as the one I read today. Because even though I know I've gotten better in the many years I've been writing, I never had any work I'm proud of, or one that fit the idea I started with. That what makes me feel the most hopeless.

This broke my heart, so I don't want to ignore it, even though I'm "technically" retired from tumblr.

I do want to offer my utmost respect to you for giving yourself boundaries due to knowing yourself well enough to acknowledge that you have an issue with envy.

It is so healthy that you try to work with what you know your attitude tends to be and that you set a boundary for yourself not to read fanfic while you're writing. It isn't that you're not allowed to ever read it, but while you're writing in the fandom. That's great. That's wonderful. I'm proud of you for that.

It can be really easy to fall into the hole of "I'm never going to be good enough." You read something and you can be so amazed by others. I'll bet, though, that if you wrote the exact story you just read, you would likely feel differently about it. Why? Because we artists are HARD on ourselves. It really is true when they say that artists are our own worst critics. We judge every word, every movement our characters make. Why? Because we know the story we're trying to tell. We know what we envisioned when we started typing.

To us, we're comparing our writing to what we wanted it to be.

Readers? Yeah, they can have expectations or hopes for writing, but they ultimately didn't know what we were envisioning while we wrote it. They only know what they read. So they see it with fresh eyes and they see it for what it is, not for what it was supposed to be.

So it's really easy for readers to see the amazing aspects of a writer's work when a writer might only see what they did wrong or what they had to change in order to make the story work.

It's still the same incredible piece. It's still wonderful and I'll bet you're a much better writer than you feel like you are. 💗🫂

Maybe take a step back. Maybe take a few days off, so that the feeling of being "worse" isn't so fresh. Maybe do something else or work on a totally different story. Busy your mind so it isn't focused on what you feel you're not doing right.

No one's perfect. I guarantee the writer that made the story you read is nitpicking the things they wish they didn't have to change or that they feel they could have worded better.

So cut yourself slack. Remember to love your writing, to love where you're at. Writing is a journey. It isn't about getting to the destination. It's about enjoying the ride there. :) You'll get there, just remember to appreciate your writing for what it is now. And one day, you'll be where you want to be. Just keep working at it and loving yourself and your work.

Thank you for reaching out and I really, really hope you find comfort in this response.

Happy writing, my dear nonnie. 💗 I'm wishing nothing but happiness and pride in your work.

~Hannah

[petrichor-idyllic]

Hiii I wanna make a request :)

SPOILERS FOR THE BOOKS AHEAD

So it takes place in the Berg where the Gladers were "stuck" in "The Death Cure". It was right after the last meeting with Newt on the Crank Palace and after that Minho wasn't okay at all. Female reader was also not good but Minho knew Newt a lot more so reader comforts Minho who is kinda off and doesn't speak to anyone and wants to let it all out but wants to be strong etc. If it's possible to end with a little spice I would very much like that :). Thank youuuu

Ooo a book request, huh? It's been a while since I've actually read TDC but I'm pretty sure I can remember what you're on about. I've also briefly skim-read a couple of necessary chapters to prepare myself which is why this took a little longer.

AFTER THE CALM

MASTERLIST | MINHO MASTERLIST

SUMMARY: See above. All book content. Slightly implied morally grey reader.

WARNINGS: Inappropriate language, some depressing themes and no Newt, spice, my incredibly vague knowledge of the book 'cause I read it like 8 years ago. I remember nothing about the layout of the Berg in the books apart from what I vaguely read for this piece. I'm making this shit up. Also references to Brenda and Thomas getting tied up at that party during TST.

You don't even want to think about it. None of you did. Thomas had said that Newt was acting weird, and you all knew why.

Newt isn't immune. He never has been. He was sent into the Maze as a control variable, and he'd decided to spend the remainder of his sanity in the Crank Palace.

He's gone. Someone you've been with on this insane journey and spent some incredibly important moments with- and you're probably never going to see him again

Brenda and Jorge had settled in the cockpit of the Berg whilst you'd left Thomas and Minho to talk in private. They'd both know Newt a lot longer than you- Minho longest of all.

You're not really part of either party. You're a stranger that they found during their travels through the Scorch. To everyone's surprise, you revealed you were immune when you showed some old teeth-marks from a Crank; making you one of the few Munies that WICKED didn't manage to gather up.

You were a thief and a con artist, smuggling goods and providing drugs that you stole into infected places. It was a dangerous job, but one you did willingly. So, imagine your shock when you find two hung-over teenagers tied up in a room with one of your regular buyers.

After sitting in for Thomas' explanation and hearing all the shit to do with WICKED, you lend them a helping hand and have been a regular member of the group ever since.

It was almost fun at first. The whole group looked up to you and thought you were some badass powerhouse.

But now it all feels very real. You sit on the floor, the faint hum of the Berg sending vibrations through your skull as you rest your head against the wall. You often hid in a corner, somewhere, choosing to not be a part of the rage-filled political debates that take place. You're a sort of middle ground between the ex-WICKED personnel and the torture victims. It's a weird dynamic, to be sure.

You watch from the safety of your spot as Brenda speaks to the boys, saying something that clearly triggers Minho as he storms off, slamming the door to one of the sleeping quarters. You cringe as the action shakes the whole ship.

"Sorry," you tune into the conversation, hearing Brenda's anxious words.

"It's okay," Thomas shrugs, "He was with Newt for two years before I showed up in the Maze. It'll take him some time."

You'd always known Newt and Minho were close- easily the closest out of the group. You're not exactly a genius, but you don't last as long as you have, doing what you do, if you can't read people.

You consider Minho your friend. You don't consider many people your friend, and you still have your suspicions about Brenda and Jorge, and you're on edge every time Thomas's face drops whenever Teresa is mentioned. You're not a trusting person, but you do enjoy Minho's company.

He's witty and sarcastic, easily matching your dry humour. There's been many of times you've exchanged smirks and knowing glances during some, actually, quite serious conversations. You have similar opinions, and despite your tendency to play devil's advocate, you do appreciate having a more forward guy on your side.

Minho wears his heart on his sleeve and is more than willing to kick the shit out of someone to protect what he loves.

Not to mention, you'd be lying if you didn't find the boy attractive. It's not like there are many people out in the world that you deal with that won't eventually rip your face off with their bare teeth. So, Minho is basically a God in comparison to your last couple of flings before they started frothing at the mouth.

Brenda says something about making some food, earning some agreeing mutters from Jorge as she leaves Thomas alone, probably to process the day's events himself.

I'm a Crank!

Newt's words ring in your head. Apart from your parents, you've never been close with anyone that's gotten infected- always moving from one gig to the next and never really getting attached. So, when Newt started showing symptoms, things cracked pretty fast.

The way he was waving that Launcher at you all, wildness forming in his eyes and the screaming at you to leave. Thomas, unfortunately, was right to force you all to leave. It was becoming dangerous.

Minho didn't fight. He barely even argued. Thomas dragged him and Brenda away, grabbing whoever was closest to him. You stayed behind Jorge, preparing to be at the back of the group since you're probably the one with the most experience regarding Cranks.

You weren't prepared for Newt to speak.

"(Y/N)," you froze, glancing back over your shoulder to meet the wild eyes of the once level-headed blond boy.

"What is it, Newt?" Your voice was barely a whisper as you turned to face him. Your lack of presence wouldn't go unnoticed by the rest of the group, but you didn't know why he'd chosen to speak to you. "I thought you wanted us to leave?"

"I did- I do," your eyes never left the gun that he held in his hands, his finger never fully leaving the trigger. "Look after him, please."

"Thomas can take care of himself," you'd assumed he was talking about Thomas, after all, he'd dramatically given Thomas a note, and they all seemed to look out for the reckless boy.

"No, not Tommy," Newt almost scoffed, a moment of clarity taking over. "Minho." You furrowed your brow, "He needs someone to look after him, and I ain't gonna be there to do that anymore."

"Newt, c'mon-"

"Stay. Please, stay with them. This isn't just another job you're doing for fun anymore- this is their lives. It's Minho's life. Look after him. For me, please, take care of him. Please."

Newt had seen right through you. You never really intended on staying. Sure, you'd thought about it, especially when the boys spoke about the perfect lives they'd had when this was all over. But you never planned to be a part of that. Not really.

You'd never known anything other than the adrenaline-filled smuggling life that you had, and some part of you wasn't ready to find out who you are when you're not risking your life. You just wanted to help these guys, because people like them deserving helping. Because they deserve to be happy.

But you?

You don't know about that. Surviving after the Solar Flares requires thick skin and a strong stomach. And you have to be willing to do so inhumane things. All of which you have.

So, the plan was to keep moving, even if there is a Safe Heaven. Do you really deserve to be there?

But now, you're not so sure. For all you knew, Newt's dying wish was for you to protect and stay with his friend. And who were you to ignore a dead man's wishes?

The thoughts churn over in your skull until you finally bring yourself to stand up again. You can't leave Minho alone now. If you did, then you'd be ignoring Newt, not even a couple of hours after your last interaction.

Time feels weird, but you know he's not come out of the room in about half an hour.

You pull yourself in front of the room where Minho's hiding, knuckles rhythmically tapping against the door.

"Shuck off," his voice is wavering and scratchy, like he's trying not to cry. "I've had enough klunk for today, and I don't wanna talk anymore, alright, slinthead?"

"Wow, now I'm sure that might work on Thomas here, but you know me better than that." You force a playful tone into your voice. You'd never been good with serious conversations- if a job got too tense, you'd normally just dip and run. But that's not exactly going to work here.

And, for the first time ever, you don't really want to.

It takes a couple of seconds, but you hear movement, and Minho pulls the door open. You send him a sympathetic smile, and he pushes his lips into a thin line, sighing.

"Hi," he scoffs slightly a this as you try to push a more joyful pitch.

"Hey," he responds, though his voice is heavy. His eyes flicker over to behind you, where Thomas is sat on the sofa in the common area. You follow his gaze, and Thomas immediately looks away, doing a terrible job of hiding his eavesdropping. "What do you want?"

"To talk to you? Obviously." You rock on your heels, hands in your pockets as you look up at the taller boy. Minho doesn't respond, he just kind of looks at you. "C'mon, man, I'm just tryna help."

He gives in, sighing.

Minho nods in the direction of the room, stepping aside and letting you walk in. It wasn't exactly unusual for the pair of you to sit together or talk away from the rest of the group. But that didn't stop Brenda, Thomas, and Jorge from nudging each other and snickering whenever it happened. Even Newt used to join on occasionally.

Minho shuts the door behind him, wordlessly slippingly past you and flopping backwards onto one of the beds in the room he's sharing with Thomas. His hands cover his face, so you can't read his expression.

"You okay?" You know it's a dumb question, but you're not sure how else to approach.

"What do you think?" You sit next to his legs, which are still hanging off of the bed.

"Yeah, that's fair." He scoffs again, and he goes quiet. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Minho," you try to get his attention, but he doesn't even move. "You can talk to me, man." Again, nothing. You nudge his leg and he moves his hands away from his face. "Come on. You're just gonna feel even more shit if you keep it to yourself."

"I ain't no sissy." You almost laugh at this. Sometimes, you forget that being stuck with a bunch of boys for two years probably wasn't great for anyone's perception of masculinity.

"I never said you were, dumbass- you're a person. People feel things. That doesn't make you a pussy- or a sissy, or whatever weird fuckin' word you Glader freaks use. It just makes you human," you pause as he watches you, some form of relief washing over him, "and there ain't nothin' wrong with that."

"I just..." Minho trails off, his voice catching in his throat as he sits up. "I can't believe he's gone." He leans forward, hunched over as he looks at the floor, arms resting on his spread legs. "We went through all that just for him to tell us to leave."

"I know, but he's probably doing what he thinks is best," Minho looks at you from the corner of his eyes.

He doesn't agree with you. Of course, he doesn't. You guys have completely different life experiences. But he appreciates it. He appreciates you. You're a guide through the world as it is, and despite Brenda and Jorge's help, you have connections and street smarts like no other.

Not to mention you're hot. Like, Minho spends his nights fantasising about you kind of hot. Not just your appearance, but your take-no-shit attitude. You're not scared to fight with him, and for some reason, he's into that.

"He's my best friend, dude- I've known him for literally as long as I can remember! And he thinks he can just leave some klunky note and vanish to hang out with those psychos? And when we go to get him, he threatens to shoot us? And, obviously, I don't mean klunk to him 'cause all he cares about is good ol' 'Tommy'."

You know it cuts deep from how Minho is mocking the cherished nickname.

"After everything we went through- and he just- we- shit." His voice breaks as his face drops to his hands.

"Hey," your voice is soft and low as Minho sniffs, the events of the day, and his entire life, finally catching up to him. "Hey, it's okay." You shuffle closer, lightly placing your hand against the small of his back and rubbing delicate circles. You rest your head on his shoulder, looking up at him as he pulls his hand away.

You look at each other for a second.

He sighs, "Shuck it." Throwing his arms around you, he knocks you back slightly. It only takes a second for you to recover as you accept the hug, allowing him to find comfort in your warmth as you let him cry into the crook of your neck.

You play with his hair, mumbling sweet nothings to him as he calms himself down. You press your lips to his forehead, giving him another source of affection in an attempt to make him feel better the best you can.

He pulls away. His tear-stained cheeks and messy hair are something that you'd never expected to see. "God, this is shuckin' embarrassing."

"Hey," you wipe away some of the liquid from his cheeks with your sleeve, "no it's not, okay? This is some heavy shit, dude, I ain't judging you. Here." You run your fingers through his hair, trying to fix the state of his appearance.

You're too busy trying to fix him to notice how he's looking at you. His eyes have fallen on your lips, admiring your features like he's never even laid his eyes on another woman. You're so close, and he's so used to your lethal nature, and you're now being so nice to him and he doesn't know how to react.

He doesn't care anymore. He's lost another thing he cares about and he just wants to feel okay.

"Minho, are you-?" You don't get to finish because his lips are on yours. Your entire body freezes, eyes wide as you sit there in some form of shock.

Minho pulls away as you attempt to process what just happened. "Shuck, sorry," he mumbles upon seeing your almost blank reactions. "I just- it's just... today has been a lot. A-and you're- I don't know, really. I think I like you, but I've never liked anyone like that before so, I don't- shit. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore." He drops his head again, returning to his original position.

A small smile has crept onto your face, but you're not about to make things worse by taking advantage of Minho's vulnerable state.

"Minho?"

"Yeah?"

"I like you too."

His head perks up, "You do?"

"Yeah, but, I think you've also had a pretty shitty day and I don't want to do anything you're going to regret. I don't want you just acting like this because you want another way to cope."

Minho blinks at you. He doesn't know why he's shocked at this level of common sense, because it's one of the reasons he likes you.

"I've literally been crushing on you ever since you showed up with Thomas and Brenda," his tone is blunt and almost hollow as he's finally getting another thing off of his chest. "I fall asleep thinking about a life with you, and I get where you're coming from, but I want you."

Your chest feels tight, and you shift uncomfortably, trying to control yourself and the heat forming in you. He notices this.

"You want me?" You subconsciously lean forward, almost like two magnets pulling together.

"Yeah, I want you now, the same way I've always wanted you." His words make you feel some type of way. It's not like you've never been with anyone, but you've never had feelings for them. Not really.

Not like this.

"I just want to feel okay, and you help me."

Despite what you just said, you push your lips against his again. He lets out a nervous breath, and goosebumps cover his skin. He lets you take the lead, allowing you to show him how to move his lips. You have a lot more experience than he does, so he's not going to challenge that.

You pull yourself onto his lap, making him hum into your mouth, his hands immediately coming to your waist. Your tongue brushes against his bottom lip and he releases a groan as you take it between your teeth, lightly pulling on it.

You push him back, reconnecting your mouths as his thumbs rub your skin under your shirt. He dares to be bold, slipping them further under as his hands glide against your back. When you buck your hips against him, he digs his nails in.

You hiss, the sting being surprisingly pleasurable, which just eggs Minho on more. He thrusts up, getting more riled up and needing more friction to calm the hungar building up in him.

You move from his lips to his jaw, causing his eyes to flutter shut whilst you move further down, letting your tongue brush against the sensitive skin of his throat. You're almost experimenting; seeing what kind of responses you can get out of him. You move to his ear instead, dragging it up the side before pulling on his lobe with your teeth. You can help but smirk as the action makes the normally unwavering Runner shiver and grab at the flesh on your hips, his hands returning with a sudden jump.

You slow your grind, quickly gaining a rhythm and providing you both with a relief, even with all of your clothes still intact.

"Ah, fuck," your hand flies to Minho's mouth, flashing him a warning look. The Berg might be loud, but the walls are thin, and the soft hum won't drown out anything if he's that loud. "Sorry," he mumbles, leaning up to kiss you again.

You pull away pretty quickly, fiddling with the hem of his shirt, and he takes the hint. Struggling and half sitting up, he pulls the shirt over his head. It's enough to make you try to squeeze your legs together as you gingerly run your fingers down his abs. His breathing hitches as your hand travels lower, one arm flopping over his face, using his forearm to try and hide.

You fiddle with his belt, watching his chest rise and fall, the clicking of the metal coming undone is like music to his ears.

"Hey, is everything okay? I thought I heard-"

Thomas stands blankly in the doorway. Everyone in the room freezes. Thomas stares at the scene in front of him, trying to process what exactly is going on.

You're straddling a shirtless Minho, who is very visibly aching for more. Thomas immediately starts to change colour to a deep shade of red.

"Dude!" Minho snaps, "Don't you know how to shuckin' knock?"

You snort, climbing off of Minho's lap, clearly not nearly as embarrassed as your partner. He raises slightly, leaning back on his arms for support as he shoots daggers at his friend.

"Sorry- I didn't realise that- I just heard something-" Thomas seems somehow even more flustered and freaked out than Minho. "Brenda's made us sandwiches." He sighs, and you laugh, your legs hanging off of the bed.

"Bro, get out!" Minho snaps and Thomas seems to return to reality.

"Sorry! Sorry!" The door slams behind him and you burst out laughing.

"You guys are something else," you shake your head, and smile at Minho, who simply scoffs. "You feeling any better?" The atmosphere changes, becoming more serious once again.

"Honestly, not really," you push your lips together as Minho pulls his shirt back on, sitting up properly, "but I know that I'm going to be- some day, 'cause you're gonna stick around, right?"

You pause. Even if Newt didn't say anything, how could you possibly even consider leaving Minho? Maybe your feelings are stronger than you originally thought.

"Yeah," you lean forward, pecking him on his lips, making him smile, "I'm not going anywhere."

Wooooo, this one was actually pretty fun to write and I enjoyed writing for something outside of the Glade. It makes a nice change and I love these types of more specific requests.

Requests are still open, I hope you enjoyed :))

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a commonplace book

saturday, jan 27, 2024

*brennan lee mulligan voice* heeeeeeeelllllllllllllloooooooOOOOOOOOO one and all and welcome back for another thrilling episode of...whatever this is. thank you for being here.

It's 2024! Say hi, intrepid heroes!

reading recently finished:

-orwell's roses by rebecca solnit (audio) - glad I listened, ultimately very gratifying - history, criticism, extremely lush garden-filled prose and love for growing things - nona the ninth by tamsyn muir - felt so much about [redacted] it made me cry. i can unblock ALL THE TAGS NOW - the blue sword by robin mckinley (audio) - catching up on old school fantasy continues -when the angels left the old country by sacha lamb (audio) - beautiful. not not in conversation with good omens but doing something different.

recently begun: -the ministry of the future by kim stanley robinson - can't decide if it's a scifi novel or a policy brief about ways to combat climate change- reading on my mom's recommendation -babel: an arcane history by r.f.kuang - withholding judgment, but i know you probably want me to hate it and so far i don't, really! to my own surprise -the shadow of the wind by carlos ruiz zafrón (audio) - spooky, post-modern but incredibly good at sounding like it is of the time it depicts. many thoughts on the audio book narrator's accent work, most favorable -one corpse too many by ellis peters. wild that i have only just begun reading the cadfael mysteries

listening last week was about discovering and putting on continuous loop the group trousdale on the recommendation of @m2pixie (!) and other trusted friends; the energy, the harmonies! they fill a girl group void i didn't realize i had, it feels like the best kind of throwback, like old chicks or something, some desperately needed bops. exhibit a: bad blood.

today my daylist introduced me to joy oladokun and i'm so glad it did. love her vibe, love this cover art. had to take a picture of my desk, the visuals were so satisfying.

watching the newest series of netflix's lupin!! so far i'm really, really enjoying where this season has been spending most of its time-- the new characters, the new heists, the new stakes. especially fun to watch with friends where we can all shout about the mrs doubtfire of it all, the betrayals, the misdirection, the 'he can't keep getting away with this!.' the original lupin series will always bring back memories of watching it in early lockdown; i'm glad that there's this now to think about and remember instead.

playing hollow knight hollow knight hollow kniiiiiiight. bought it a few months ago when it was on sale, after hanging out and watching @dimir-charmer stream for us a bit, but playing it yourself is a different game. i'm having a blast. it's becoming a problem. i'm having to be so so good and mature in how much i let myself just get suckered in to a full day spent in my little buggy maze adventures. the temptation to keep going until i've made a meaningful advancement of some kind (today: got the longer nail! last time: beat hornet! saved zote the mighty, got the baldur shell charm, and beat the gruz mother!) is very, very real. have also gotten around this by listening to lots of lo-fi hollow knight beats to relax and study to while being 'productive.'

(found this screenshot online, and holy extra health batman)

making pancakes. lots and lots of weekend pancakes. sent a bunch of mail since new year's, and have some new arts and crafts (charcoal pencils!! those little paper cone blender guys! better paper) to fuck around with next time i want to get ~artistic. watch this space.

working on teaching is so all-consuming. it's great, i love it. the course (maps class! if you see that tag, this is that) is going well, i think! first three lectures down. the students i've gotten to know i really like, the material has yet to get old (see one - do one - teach one is so real. i understand this class now, finally, in a way i don't think i did just being the TA, even after three times). it takes so much longer to just copy-paste-change color and font on slides than it should! i've regularly been getting four-five hours of sleep on monday nights before teaching on tuesdays, but it has meant that i don't have the brain space to be self-conscious while i'm 'on', i just. go. having fun selecting teaching 'fits, having (less) fun handling all the students who joined in the second or third week and need help with catching up, but it's not their fault there was a waiting list and lots of turnover.

(petrus roselli - portolan chart of the mediterranean, 1466)

non-teaching: - student letter of recommendation for dental school (DONE) - conference panel proposal (due 1/31) -submit revised conference paper for that prize (due 1/30) -send draft of grant application to A for her to be able to write a letter of recommendation (due IMMEDIATELY WHY ARE YOU ON TUMBLR) (you have until 2/15 to fix it but she needs the draft!) -chapter 3 edits (lmao) -read for that other course you're meant to be the TA for (oops) - give i. feedback on her thing (tonight) -RAship hours (c'mon these are actually paid work, please do them)

[earlgreytea68]

In this year of 2023, we had so much Fall Out Boy astonishing amazingness that it's been very easy for me to forget the one huge disappointment for me of 2023, which was the Taylor Swift song. Like, it's funny because for years I really wanted a Taylor Swift / FOB collab, so it's amazing that I got the song and it doesn't make my list of, like, top twenty FOB moments of the year, because there were so many unbelievable, incredible, stellar moments of the year, like, WHO WOULD HAVE IMAGINED, the band got put on an album released by the biggest star on the planet and I shrugged, who cares?

I listened to the song again this morning, because I was like, Maybe I was just in a bad mood when it came out. So I tried to be more objective about it. And here's the thing: It's a fine Taylor Swift song. It has absolutely nothing to do with Fall Out Boy and Patrick continues to sound absolutely unrecognizable on it and I continue to hate it for that reason hahahaha. And it's extra-sad to me because it kind of made me over Taylor Swift, which is too bad, because I loved Taylor Swift, and I should be like, "Oh, it's just one song, whatever." But, I'm sorry, it's obnoxious to me to say you're doing a song with Fall Out Boy and then make Patrick Stump sound like that. Like, that is just insulting, I've got to be honest. Just don't do the song with Fall Out Boy. That would have been fine. And the song has drums and guitars, but they are not played by Andy Hurley or Joe Trohman, so honestly, what even was the point???? I always wanted a Taylor Swift / FOB thing because she says she loves Pete Wentz's lyrics, so that's what I wanted: an actual collaboration. What I got instead was whatever that nonsense was, where Patrick had to sing lines with a straight face that were like, "I want you now," or whatever, and I was like, This from the person who admires Pete Wentz's lyrics?????

I don't blame her for it entirely, I think the production on the song is awful. The way Patrick is drowned out in the production is just atrocious. Even when he finally lets his voice loose a little tiny bit at the very end, he's so far in the background, dialed down so much underneath her, that you wouldn't even notice him if you weren't listening very hard for him (which I was). But at the same time, I feel like she does that sometimes to her collaborators, that Lana Del Rey is almost nonexistent on the original version of Snow on the Beach and Chris Stapleton is nowhere to be found on I Bet You Think About Me. But neither of those artists are my fave, so it bothered me less. But once it happened to Patrick and I was thinking about it, it made me think less about Taylor Swift, and then that annoyed me extra, because I used to really like her, and now I just feel...annoyed lol.

So I was thinking about this whole thing and I was like, There's a lesson in this, too, and the lesson is to be careful what you wish for. But then again, not so much, because I also wished for a new Fall Out Boy album and that turned out great. So I think the lesson really is:

Appreciate the things you love when they come around. Fall Out Boy released a new album and had an incredible year and I had a blast with all of it, and I am really, really appreciative of that. It could have not been the way it was for me, but it was perfect. It was literally perfect. I feel so lucky, so fortunate, and so grateful, and that's really what I'm taking out of 2023. And, in a way, having this one moment in the Fall Out Boy year that I hated highlights how extraordinary the rest of the year was. That contrast is useful and instructive. Luckily, I hated one song. But I loved every other moment, and I really noticed it. What a year.

And that's it, that's my final word on "Electric Touch" lol

[pastelcheckereddreams]

Four Seasons Manor (四季山庄): Set Layout, Part Two!

I found it. I finally found the second set. I'm so ridiculously proud of myself 😂 All details will be revealed and broken down shortly, here and in a third part, but first let me recap my Siji Manor drafting progress so far:

If you're stumbling over this post in the wild - hi! I draw architectural drafts of cdrama sets, as accurately to the show as I can. A huge amount of research goes into creating my art, and so far no set location has been as elusive as this one. All of my set design projects start with a lot of research and resource gathering, to ensure that I am drafting the sets as accurately as possible. One element of each of my finished pieces is, as you may know, a birdseye view of the set. I include this to show the spatial relationship of the architectural elements I draft, and to give the fictional location cohesion and comprehensibility as a "lived space," further enriching - I hope - your experience of my art and of the show itself.

This process, however, becomes incredibly complicated to achieve when 1) the set I am trying to draft is split across different film locations, especially if 2) I can't find one of the sets.

At the time of my last post, linked here, I had located the set used for the front courtyard of Siji Manor in Hengdian World Studio's Spring and Autumn Tang Park, (what I have begun to call the "exterior set"), and had ruled out the wider set as locations for the main "interior" set - the inner courtyards of Siji Manor where the majority of the scenes in episodes 24-29 take place.

Well friends, just over a year later, I have confirmed that my suspicions in my very first Siji Manor draft post were, in fact, true. The second shooting location for Siji Manor was inside one of Hengdian's film studios. It was filmed in the "Mansion Scene" set, in Huaxia Shed #2:

My journey to finding this set lead me through two other dramas, and to the discovery that this set was also used for part of the filming of WOH episode 5, in Sanbai Manor. By cross-checking all of these scenes, I've been finally able to identify all relevant buildings and map the main set for Siji:

(First part of an insane, dizzying breakdown under the cut. It's long. It's confusing. Godspeed.)

project list | kofi | prints

I will begin by saying that, although I am confident of this layout as you see it above being Siji Manor, I am not certain that this is the full Mansion Scene in Huaxia Shed #2. This is because my only source for the photos above comes from this article, which also includes three photos I've been unable to place in relation to the above map, despite clearly being from the same area. Moreover, because of the lack of wide camera angles or even full use of this above set in WOH itself, my scale/placement of buildings in relation to each other is still a little off. I've also given myself some artistic license with minor parts of the landscaping. That being said, let me break down this set layout for you, and reveal Siji Manor to you all:

WKX and ZZS's rooms

Buildings 1 and 3 are used as WKX and ZZS's rooms respectively. My confirmation of this fact - and many more to come - comes from the drama Mysterious Lotus Casebook (MLC), in which we see a clearer view of the courtyard between the rooms itself, where the kitchen in WOH resides (labelled 2):

Firstly, how do I know that the kitchen where Chengling has his chicken showdown is outside WKX's room? Because we can see it outside in this screenshot:

And how do we know that this room, WKX's room, is the one on the left side of the screen in the Mysterious Lotus Casebook screenshot? Because that room, belonging to Yun Biqiu, matches the layout of WKX's room:

(Note that WKX's room is used as the Princess's room in episode 1 of WOH, and despite significantly different set dressing/modification, her room - WKX's room - bears the same structural layout as Biqiu's. But you probably just have to trust me on that latter point because they like to move walls and floors in the film studios.)

To verify building 3 as ZZS's room (which is likewise used as Li Xiangyi's from MLC), and to show that you can walk straight through this room from the kitchen (2) courtyard into the formal courtyard (5), I'm going to have to let these door panels do the heavy lifting for me:

Did you follow that? Don't worry, I've mapped the route on a copy of the main birdseye view below. Hang in there!

Formal Courtyard

The snowy screenshot above brings us to what could be considered the "formal" courtyard of this mansion - the QHZ snow scene! It is the fact that this scene occurs with ZZS's room to the right (note those door panels) that makes me headcanon ZZS took up residence in QHZ's room on his return to Siji (and that WKX took Qin-furen's....).

There isn't much to say about this courtyard itself, but enjoy these screenshots from MLC:

Now, did you remember those other door panels? In MLC, Li Xiangyi walks from this courtyard around the side of his old room (again - note the door panels) past a small, private seating area for his/ZZS/QHZ's room - labelled as area 4.

This brings him, and us, along the walkway dividing the kitchen courtyard, and the main courtyard of this set. If you're struggling to follow along (as even I am at this point😵‍💫), this is the route I have taken you on so far:

I'm about to divert you into Sanbai Manor, WOH episode 5, for a look at area 7, and then we will dive into the main area of this Siji Manor set in part three.

So, surprise! This set is also briefly used for Chengling's room in Sanbai Manor. I thought I was crazy for this, but damn it, I was right. Here's a view of his "room" which is actually the side of the main hall (6):

It's at this point that I concede it might have just been easier to start this breakdown with the main courtyard and main hall. Whoops.

Anyway, I hope this first part has been an interesting, if chaotic, read. Let me know your thoughts so far! Have you been able to follow along okay? Do I need to clarify anything? What do you think about the revelation of all these sets colliding? (Particularly if part one and the first set is fresh in your mind.)

As always, if you'd like to support my research madness and help fuel my many artistic endeavors, please consider donating to my kofi or checking out my print shop:

project list | kofi | prints

Now, click through to part three below, where I will take you through the main area of Siji Manor. See you there!

Part One | Part Two | Part Three

[ink-dusted-dreams]

Analyzing the manga panels where Kenshin dreams of Tomoe after leaving Rakuninmura

These five pages hold a profound place in my heart, a beautiful testimony of the depths of love found in literature. To discover such emotional depth in a Shounen manga was beyond my expectations.

The scene unfolds with Kenshin gazing upon a familiar scenery. Yet, his eyes remain devoid of emotion, perhaps because this scenery has replayed within his mind countless times. In this moment, he believes Kaoru to be dead, he failed to protect her, her death is the grim result of revenge stemming from an accidental act - the death of Tomoe. He is uncertain if this vengeance aligns with Tomoe's wishes, for time has separated them for 15 years already. The home and love he found after 15 years of grieving for his late wife lie in ruins. His mind and soul are destroyed, and his eyelids weigh heavily, yet he gazes at the familiar scene before him.

He knows what to expect as he recognizes the sound of familiar footsteps and the hem of the familiar kimono.

He soon gazes upon that familiar face, fully aware it's but an illusion, for she cannot exist in reality. Still, he continues to look at her. He refrains from speaking to her, perhaps believing she won't reply, a notion he's perhaps tested in the past.

It's truly heart-wrenching. Imagine someone incredibly dear to you, now long gone. You see an illusion, a ghost of that person, and you understand that no matter how much you call out, they'll never return. What will you do?

But this time, she speaks, and his eyes light up. He smiles, responds, and simply gazes at her as if that's all he ever needed.

I used to be genuinely puzzled by this. Many readers interpret Kenshin's emotions toward Tomoe as guilt, and I admit, I once shared that view. However, this chapter altered my perspective.

Yet, the right words to describe Kenshin's expression in these panels always eluded me. I eventually realized it might be because I had the entire backstory in my head. I had a hunch that an unrelated third party, someone unfamiliar with the story, might grasp it better. So, I shared these two panels with my artist mother, a 65-year-old who's never read manga or watched anime. Her observations were fascinating and truly eye-opening.

Regarding the panel above, I posed these questions to her:

"What emotions do you believe these two characters are experiencing?"

In response, my mother conveyed her thoughts on Tomoe, stating, "She appears to be showing concern."

As for Kenshin, her perspective was "A mix of surprise and sadness."

I went a step further and shared the image above with her because I've always found it challenging to discern his emotions. I believed that my mother, who is not only an artist but also a deeply empathetic individual, might be able to grasp his feelings.

Her response, after translation, was as follows:

"He appears to be gazing at something, and whatever he sees, he feels..."

She paused for a moment.

I asked her, "Do you think he feels happy?"

She replied, "No. I don't believe it's happiness; there's no sense of excitement."

She continued, struggling to find the right word, "It's more like...whatever he's witnessing... it's what he yearned to see. Like, this is it."

Finally, she found the word. Being of Indian descent, she used the term "Prashanti (प्र��ांति)."

In my mind, everything fell into place. It was the word I had been searching for. "Prashanti" translates to "peace," but "peace" translates to "Shanti (शांति)." Prashanti, however, signifies "supreme peace." His expression seems to convey a sense of completeness.

In the next panels, he begins to talk about his conviction but averts her gaze. I found myself curious about this, but after reading the Japanese scanlations, it all became clear. Regrettably, I don't have all the pages to share here.

Instead of using "これからも" (which means "From now on"), he opts for "これからも…多分…" (which means "From now on... probably..."). He concludes all his sentences with "するよ" rather than just "する." This may seem subtle, but it carries significant weight because he's indirectly seeking her agreement. It's akin to the distinction between saying, "I will do it," and "You know, I will do it." Although both convey the same action, the latter grants the listener a greater say in the decision. In the context of Japanese, this difference is even more pronounced. It leads me to believe that, at this point, his promise isn't entirely set in stone.

In the next panel, Tomoe wears a serene smile and calmly responds, "Yes," as if she was aware of it from the start.

In the next panel, The translation reads "You are finally smiling." However, in the Japanese scanlations, it becomes apparent that he says "やっと笑ってくれた," which means "You are finally smiling for me."

In the next panel, Tomoe tells him, "If you smile, the me inside you will always smile with you." We witness Kenshin's expression, a look of utter astonishment as if he had never fathomed such a notion, not even in his wildest dreams.

But this single panel reveals a world of emotion. It shows that Kenshin had never dared to imagine that Tomoe could feel that way for him. It also suggests that when Kenshin smiles during their conversation, it might just be the first genuine smile he's worn in 15 years because Tomoe mentions she smiles when Kenshin smiles, yet until then, she had never worn that smile.

To me, this reveals a lot about Tomoe's character. She doesn't possess the same kind of strength that Misao and Kaoru do, the strength to relentlessly pursue their love and hold onto it.

Yet, Tomoe imparts a profound lesson that we should all learn — the art of letting go.

She didn't prevent Kiyosato from leaving for Mimawarigumi. She didn't stop Kenshin from taking lives during his time as Ishin Shishi, despite it contradicting her own beliefs. Instead, she questioned him and let him make his own choices. As she approached her final moments, with her remaining strength, she wiped Kenshin's tears and consoled him, assuring him that everything was as it should be.

Nevertheless, she possessed the strength to be a mother figure and a caring sister to her brother, she had the courage to calmly stand in the presence of a killer, to watch, and to condemn the crime rather than the criminal.

Ultimately, she encouraged him to rise and go to the one who yearns most to see his smile — Kaoru.

It's beautiful because these pages reveal that to Kenshin, Tomoe's smile meant the world. Being with her was all he ever wanted; he never wanted to be apart from her. His love for her was very deep. That's why, hearing her voice, talking to her, and seeing her smile, even though none of it was real, brought him peace, even in the darkest moments, because it was what he truly desired.

Yet, whether we call it fate or a profound backstory to add depth to his character, it's what he lost.

[outeremissary]

2023 Wrapped!

This is my first ever time doing a year end art summary (using this template)- I always wanted to when I was younger, but never felt I was creating enough work or that it was "serious" enough or good looking enough to be worth compiling. It's been interesting to reflect on a year that included so many creative ups and downs (and life ups and downs in general). If you'll permit me I want to do the little reflection ramble too, even if it's an inadvisable 5 (or now 6) in the morning where I live.

Some of you who followed me on Twitter probably know that I only "learned to color"- or rather found a way that worked for me enough to finish things consistently- in 2022, and rather late in 2022 at that. This is pretty much the first year where work I considered "finished" or "polished" included things that weren't greyscale, and it's absolutely the first year where I had attempted to do something in color almost every single month. When I look at this and see the range of hues it has, I really feel an incredible sense of achievement. I would not have imagined 14 months ago that I could stitch something that looked like this together, and 12 months ago I can't say I'd have felt confident either.

Despite having a huge artistic slump in the back half of the year (along with a sharp downturn in my mental health in general) I was astounded to find that for the first six months I had so much work that I loved and was proud of that it was hard to put this together because I constantly felt like I was leaving favorites out- works that I thought were iconic or were huge milestones or I just really loved. That was unbelievable. And that was only sifting through the "nice" stuff- I didn't even consider a mountain of sketches and doodles that I adored! Even in my busiest months and the months I was recovering from a major medical procedure (I got top surgery!!!) I had something to show, and May being a WIP is less because there was nothing in that month than because Aurien and Vio were the only ones who were fitting in the damn frame (side note: I'd be more thoughtful with template than aesthetic if I ever did this again).

Even in the five months I was convinced I had done absolutely nothing, I found again and again that I had more than I thought for every month (except November, where it turned out everything I thought I'd done was early December. you've been spared DUrgetash). I was creating even when I was convinced that I was never going to be able to draw again. And I was creating enough that I got to be picky filling this thing out and choose Tristian for October just for a laugh when other options were out there, and enough that I had options when I was struggling to fit something I wanted into the template frame.

Side note: Miss Leonelle, you were tragically robbed by the damn frames.

In making this I also saw again and again the connections that I made throughout the year. I have had the incredible fortune to make wonderful friends this year and to build on bonds that I already had- even some where I perhaps didn't deserve the chances I was given. @mountainashfae is all over this summary- in April, May, June, August, and November- and I've often felt I spent as much time on Vio as Balthazar this year, but there were at least seven other baronesses, KCs, and other incredible OCs I had the privilege of drawing this year who I desperately wanted to fit onto this and was not able to for one reason or another. I'm so happy to know so many creative, passionate people and to be allowed so close to the things they hold so dear. To everyone who has shared their creations this year- not just with me, but with anyone on the internet or in real life or quietly in DMs or in a Discord or wherever- you're incredible, and I hope you're proud of what you've done. And if you struggle with that, I hope you can be proud of the way you're growing even now.

If you've stuck with me this far, thank you. Sincerely. I really appreciate that there are people who enjoy looking at my silly little drawings and reading my occasional rambles, even if I'm a little erratic on putting things up and usually a bit distant by choice from fan communities. And if you continue to stick around, I hope that you continue to have a good time.

I don't know what to expect from 2024 when I've got a laundry list of projects from 2023 I haven't finished, but I'm hopeful about what it'll contain. There's a lot I want to do- more full illustrations, working on other media, trying more ambitious projects- but for now it's enough to just think about picking up the things I've left off and continuing to tie up those loose ends.

Here's hoping we all can find something we want in 2024, as terrible and unknowable as the new chapter is.