#I've been feeling awful lately like physically and emotionally

[dj-of-the-coven]

Y'all ever just spontaneously lose the ability to make art

[outlying-hyppocrate]

well. did you fucking miss me.

[softshuji]

y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

[incorrect-rqg]

Okay my intent here is not to start drama in the rqg fandom in 2024 because I love this community and frankly it's not that deep, but there's something I just wanna talk about for a sec.

I've seen the sentiment around lately that the party is unnecessarily cruel to Wilde - from the Prague arc all the way up to Damascus or even Japan - and that this specifically contributes to Wilde's guardedness and unwillingness to be emotionally open with the party throughout the show. That he goes "oh, you want me to be the snarky punching bag with no feelings? Then that's what I'll be."

While this is a sentiment I generally agree with, I take some issue with the idea that the party - Grizzop specifically - is mean to Wilde for "no reason".

Grizzop has a very good reason to dislike being around Wilde, which he expresses on numerous occasions - Wilde's lack of respect for Grizzop's personhood and his use of condescending and demeaning language.

While Wilde never actually calls Grizzop "It" like he'd later claim (just a result of long gaps between sessions and Ben being a human being with imperfect memory), he does call him "this one" and generally treat him in a dismissive and condescending way, even after being told to stop numerous times.

Now, I've seen the argument that this is kind of just how Wilde talks to everyone. That's just who he is, especially in earlier arcs. This isn't entirely untrue, but that doesn't change the fact that like... Grizzop is a goblin (in the RQGverse a minority race with a history of oppression), who has been the target of this kind of language and attitude from humans his entire life. He's entirely warranted in being upset at being treated this way. Wilde doesn't ever really give Grizzop any reason to like him, and frankly Grizzop doesn't owe Wilde jack shit.

Another scenario is the iconic moment where Grizzop punches Wilde in the dick. I made a post about this a couple days ago while Very High and then forgot to delete it in the morning so it's just up now. But I've seen a couple comments (on the post and elsewhere) being like "poor Wilde :(" or "he didn't deserve that" and like... He kinda did? He was being antagonistic and negging Sasha, deliberately trying to make her feel worse about her upcoming Risky Medical Procedure. Even if it was just him being silly that's still a pretty shitty thing to do. You can argue that Grizzop went overboard with the physical violence, but arguing that it wasn't at all warranted doesn't make sense to me.

I love Wilde as much as the next rqg fan. He's probably my favourite character, maybe behind Sasha. But in order to appreciate the extent of his character growth it's important to recognize situations where yeah, he was being shitty and antagonistic.

And, even in a scenario as silly and fantastical as this, I still think it's important to not brush off the experiences of a marginalized person who says they're a target of discriminatory language, even if the perpetrator is someone you like. Wilde is white, and charming, and wealthy, and in a position of power over Grizzop as his handler and as a government representative. He is not the victim in this situation.

Again, very much not looking to start shit here, especially because "aw, poor Wilde :(" is definitely a thought I've had while listening to early RQG. This is just something I've been thinking about a lot during my current relisten and wanted to share with you guys.

[lilac-melody]

Okay pausing in my nagihiyo loveposting because I've been thinking about lipxlip lately (shocker? nah) and I was thinking about my previous realization that, when it came to the lipxlip stories, Aizou has always kinda been the main protagonist.

That's not to say Yujiro doesn't shine- he certainly does, but I was wondering HOW we never minded that so much in the novels, but it became such a big issue in the heroine tarumono/heroines run the show/herotaro whatever you wanna call it anime.

And I think I figured it out.

So starting with the Romeo novel, as not only was it the first official idol novel for honeyworks, but it was lipxlip's first official novel (as they were mere side characters in Hiyori's novels, though they were featured prominently).

For the most part, most of the novel is in Aizou's point of view. Yujiro got, what, 2 chapters + the epilogue? Out of 11. And, for the most part, we mostly focus on Aizou's issues and struggles. He's the one who can't remember something, he's the one who wants to get to know Yujiro, he's the one who won a tournament and gave Yujiro the stuffed penguin prize, he's the one who had to ask for advice on how to be cool. He's the one who got shoved into a pool.

And Yujiro, each time, played the role of a catalyst in each of these instances.

So...why does it work in Romeo?

Because...despite the fact we're mostly viewing the novel through Aizou's eyes, we still get enough of Yujiro and his perspective to make him seem just as important.

Sure, he only got a couple chapters, with each of them being quite short, but from the little bit we did see, we still understand Yujiro. We get that he has a rough life, that his family was strict and is still abusive towards him (mostly verbal, but with Koichiro it is slightly physical too), we get that he hates being home and wants to run away with his mom. And that's just from the first chapter.

We also understand later on that he's jealous of Aizou for being able to connect with others easily, and that he has an inferiority complex when it comes to his brother. And he still has his own social issues that still gives him his issues outside of home that keeps him just as interesting when he's trying to be an idol.

Essentially, even though the novel is mostly in Aizou's point of view, Yujiro still has his own struggles and personality that shines through quite obviously. It does still feel like...well, LIPxLIP.

Moving on...

LOVE&KISS is the next novel.

Now, this novel is structured a bit differently. Half of the novel is in the real world; in Aizou's point of view. The other half is in an alternate universe; in Yujiro's point of view. I'd say that they're divided pretty evenly in terms of whose perspective are we in, and yet...in Yujiro's point of view, we don't actually learn anything about him or his real struggles. Because his point of view is in an alternate world- and while it is still Yujiro, it's still a different past and circumstances.

I mean, you're not going to be seeing Yujiro running and shoving Aizou out of the way of an avalanche in the middle of Tokyo, right? (And yes, for those who have not read the novel, he did do that)

meanwhile, in Aizou's point of view, we get a wholeass front seat to his struggles of acting and bettering his and everyone's situation with the awful director. We see his trials and tribulations, his efforts, his realizations.

I mean, goddamn, he has a solo at the end of the novel in which he sang so beautifully and emotionally that all of the actors and Yujiro paused and stared at him and clapped when he finished. If that doesn't scream Main Character, I don't know what does!! (I'm ngl it was a sweet moment but god, it was so damn cheesy)

ANYWAY...

So if we know so much about the real Aizou, and only know so much about Fake Yujiro...why does it work being only in Aizou's perspective in the real world? Their povs are even.

The answer to that is simple.

Because even though we see so much of Aizou's struggles...we still see so much of Yujiro's. We can easily tell in Aizou's point of view how worn out, tired and frustrated Yujiro is. I mean, Aizou outright states that Yujiro had been practicing the same scene for hours and never made a mistake until later, and then he got screamed at.

Because, like Yujiro's point of view in the alternate world, we are sharing the struggles in every chapter.

Yujiro's point of view isn't just about Yujiro- it's about the two travelers who need the gem, and Aizou's point of view isn't just about Aizou. It's about LIPxLIP as a whole, struggling against the rude director who's putting them through a wringer.

For the first few chapters in Aizou's point of view, while we are seeing how much Aizou struggles, he's also watching with great concern how much Yujiro is struggling. He is doing his best not to leave Yujiro alone out of pure worry, even noting later that the two had come to rely on each other.

And to wrap up the beauty of the real world events, we watch as Aizou conquers his struggles and his trauma, becoming confident and excited for the play.

But how is Yujiro faring? We've focused on Aizou a lot.

Well...he collapses.

Aizou notices and quickly lunges forward and catches him, and Yujiro is sent to a hospital. Aizou vows not to let this happen again, feeling like a failure of a partner, and the issue is soon resolved.

The play goes beautifully, and the two end on a happy note, laughing together.

So...why did Aizou being the protagonist in L&K work?

Because even though the real world events featured mostly Aizou, there was still the shared solidarity of LIPxLIP. It didn't feel like Aizou's story or Yujiro's story. Hell, both perspectives just...felt like they were in it together.

A true lipxlip story.

Okay...so...what about the movie?

Like the novels, it's mostly in Aizou's point of view, yet, like the L&K novel, it has both of the boys helping each other, and both having their issues.

Aizou sees Yujiro's father is an asshole, he's nicer to him and helps him in (their) secret spot. Yujiro sees Aizou's mom is an abusive drunk and defends him from Koichiro's harsh, taunting words. They come up with LIPxLIP together.

Yujiro helps Aizou understand that he doesn't have to cater to women, and to shine in his own way, and later, he helps him sing again by...singing with him. In their secret spot. And Aizou realizes that if it's with Yujiro, he can sing.

Yujiro's mom bails on him for the concert, so Aizou cheers him up and....yall ok I dunno what the fuck happens then but suddenly the two are hugging and have kiss marks on their necks which Manager Uchida freaks out about? but they only go "secret ;)" when she questions them??? Gayasses..???

Anyway...

Still upset by the previous events and being nervous (both were, to be fair), Aizou gestures to Yujiro while singing Yume Fanfare, tilting his chin up while singing for him to hold his head up high. Yujiro returns the favor, by gesturing to him and then hugging him on stage, telling him to stay who he is.

And once the song's over? They both internalize how glad they are that they met, and how the other will always be there for them.

THIS is LIPxLIPs essence. THIS is how their story goes. THIS is how to make their stories work perfectly. Because even though if you squint, it's mostly Aizou's perspective, it doesn't feel that way. It just feels like LIPxLIP.

Yes, the movie totally fucks over the timeline, but it not only keeps their personalities true to the source material, but it feels like lipxlip.

So...what did Herotaro do wrong?

"Lisi, no! Herotaro is in HIYORI'S point of view!" yes, this is true, but in Hiyori's novels, lipxlip was still divided up pretty evenly. She had lots of platonic moments with Yujiro and with Aizou, and with both.

Yet...somehow...herotaru fucks it up.

Not only are they not the same characters we know, but...somehow, every single "male lead" role went to Aizou. And while, yes, I know the anime is catered towards regular Honeyworks fans, they also know that people will join the fandom because of the anime.

If you read the novels without knowing anything, you can still understand Aizou and Yujiro.

But if you watch the anime without knowing anything, you won't know a damn thing about Yujiro, think Aizou is a possible romantic interest (spoiler: he isn't. Neither is Yujiro.) and assume that they have no motivation aside from wanting to be famous. Hell, even when Uchida tells Hiyori that Yujiro said he wants to stand on stage and Aizou wants to sing, that still tells us absolutely nothing.

It diminishes their characters to petty misogynists who suddenly like Hiyori as a friend because she has a dream. They show no care at all towards her until she talks about wanting to run. Like, what the actual fuck???

And their episode that was supposed to tell the audience more about their backstories??? TOTALLY overshadowed by Hiyori's ignorance and lack of tact and care in the situations.

And then, when Hiyori hurts herself, gets into situations, is in the audience, Aizou's the only one to notice.

Which is...really fucking weird??? It's not cute or special or proof of any ship. It's horrendously written and completely unnatural from the LIPxLIP we grew to love from the novels.

Hell, the movie got the story better, and the anime is a direct continuation!! HOW do you fuck something up THAT BADLY???

There is absolutely no excuse for the way that not ONLY Aizou and Yujiro were treated in the anime, but Hiyori as well. They had SO MUCH source material, and they just threw it all away for their self insert fantasy and made trash.

This is NOT an anime to recommend when you want to get people into LIPxLIP. I've seen SO MANY people get the wrong idea about Aizou and Yujiro but they just don't care that it's wrong because the anime is most convenient to consume. It pisses me off.

LIPxLIP deserves the tender care of attention to detail, since their stories involve so much child abuse, neglect, favoritism, alcoholism, abandonment issues, abandonment of childhood...none of this was graced on in the anime. And when it dipped its toes in one small scene for each, Hiyori invalidates their trauma and makes the audience assume what they've gone through- their struggles, their pain, their trauma, is nothing but shits and giggles.

"Oh, thank goodness! I thought something bad happened to him! Too bad he hates girls, how can I fix him?"

"No parent would make a lunch for a child she hates!"

I'm sorry but I wanted to punt Hiyori in that episode so badly. My girl did not deserve this fucking anime makeover treatment.

Anyway, to sum it up, the anime focuses more on Aizou's reactions to Hiyori than Yujiro's, and focused the friendship almost solely on him and revealed more about him than Yujiro. Hence why the anime fails as a proper LIPxLIP source material.

[izzy-b-hands]

15 QUESTIONS FOR 15 FRIENDS

Tagged by @sherlockig, thank u Alexz!!

Under the cut bc I got wordy and rambly as per usual lol.

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Kind of? In that I more or less named myself after Izzy from our flag lol. Not that I'm going to tell everyone I meet that, but it is a big part of why I stuck with it after trying it out (that, and I've always wanted a name that had the letter zed in it, silly as that may seem.)

One of my middle names (that I had been using as a first name for a few years) is after my grandfather and aunt who also have that name as their middle name.

My deadname was after an actress famous in the 90s (tho tbh my mum apparently didn't choose it for that, she chose it bc she didn't find out my gender until I was Out and then was like 'aw fuck I don't have a name for this situation' and went with the first one she saw in a book of names a nurse gave her. It was only after that she remembered the actress when I was like. 4. that she changed and started telling ppl it was after that instead.)

And technically Holden is after the book character, but mum never actually read that book (and after I described it to her, said she has no interest in doing so lmao), she just liked how the name sounded and that was the one solitary name she for sure had on hand when I was born apparently. Could have saved us all time had she just used that one for me anyway!

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Couple of nights ago. I'm doing better abt missing my cat Nisha, but my phone will toss up compilations of pics of her to mark the year/month/etc and sometimes those still get me. It popped up just before I went to bed that night and I was already so tired that I just. broke down. Bc I know she's v loved and looked after w/my mum, but I do miss her goofy lil self a lot. She was my first cat that was given to me and meant to be mine alone, and there's something abt that first pet bond I guess.

3. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Nope, and it's not a likely thing for me. I've said before that that happening would be in a very specific situation, wherein I'm with someone who wants to dedicate the rest of our lives to raising a child, or god forbid more than one, tho I think I'd max out at two if I managed one at all tbh (and that's not even getting into the very complex for me thing of would I want to actually be pregnant ever (probably not, absolutely terrified of dying in childbirth and don't see myself getting over that easily), we have the funds to make that happen (and give the kid a good life, not just a decent one or 'could have been worse' like my own), and we feel stable mentally, emotionally, and physically (as much as one can outside of Life Happening of course) bc having a kid means putting allll of that first for them, ahead of yourself. Or at least I think it should mean that lol.

But that situation is incredibly unlikely considering my bigger goal in life is to wind up being a third for multiple couples while also fucking any of my friends who are down for it in a big poly ENM sort of thing for lack of better/more detailed definition (I know it sounds unrealistic and maybe it is to a degree, almost definitely is lol.)

I can admit I just. don't want to uproot the life I've been trying so hard to build for myself in so many ways, to have kids. I'll happily help babysit the kids of any friends tho and be the fun uncle that buys them junk food and lets them stay up late to watch movies. I think that's about the level of parenting of any kind that I can handle for now (also tbh I burned out on parenting bc my family admits they parentified the fuck outta me with my three younger cousins. It by far could have been worse, but I spent my teens spending most of my days after school helping look after them from the newborn years and on. Unless my above uber specific scenario happens, then I've probably had my fill of parenting for my lifetime.)

4. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?

I played volleyball for a few years in elementary school, and we were made to participate in a multi-school track and field thing for most of middle school every year, but I was never amazing at them. Housemate and I have figured out I likely have undiagnosed asthma tho (turns out running or going out in too cold or hot weather shouldn't instantly make you gasp, struggle to breathe, and make you taste iron in your mouth, who the fuck knew? Not me, genuinely) so I think that might have a lot to do with it.

I also enjoy tennis and badminton and would love to try rugby, but I've never played any of those beyond a hobby with family/friends.

5. DO YOU USE SARCASM?

I do! Probably too much and not always in the best situations, but I've been working for years to hone when and where it should be used so I think/hope I'm a lot better with it than I was when I was younger. Tho even then, I did get adults who found it funny when I was sarcastic bc of how adult I seemed to a lot of them (their words, not mine lmao.)

6. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

I genuinely don't know. Usually I'm too busy running my script for meeting new ppl in my head and trying to maintain Common and Expected Etiquette to really notice much right away. I have found that after a bit of time/after the initial meeting has passed, I tend to notice colours ppl wear more often than others if I see them often enough, or hair colour. But I don't know if it counts towards this question at that point lol.

7. WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR?

Kinda blueish grey? Some ppl say it's too grey to be blue, others that it's too blue to be grey. I had a lady at the ND DOT freak out abt not being sure if I should have blue or grey on my ID a few years back, and she finally just told me to put blue so 'she could stop feeling so confused.' Was a weird day and the first time I realised apparently they really do have a blend of both colours, enough for it to be upsetting lmao.

8. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

I can't choose between the two; I like both! I also like mixing them together when I write (a scary story with a happy ending, an ending that seems happy but is actually terrifying, so on and so forth.)

9. ANY TALENTS?

Writing? Maybe, I always list it bc it's something I know how to do and to (usually) do decently well. I can sort of draw? But not well enough that I think 'talented' would be accurate to describe how I draw lol. I'm not sure of anything else off the top of my head tbh.

10. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

In California, USA! We were there bc dad was in basic training for the Marines and then just got stuck at Camp Pendleton for years lmao (or that's how he always talks abt it anyway lmao.) Only was actually there until either: a. I was 3 months old, b. I was 6 months old or c. I was actually basically still a fresh newborn. Depends on whether you're talking to my dad, mum, or grandparents as to which answer you get, and at this point I'm genuinely uncertain as to exactly when mum left and took me to North Dakota but 6 months seems the most potentially accurate lmaooo.

11. WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

Writing, drawing, reading (not enough but I'm trying to remedy that), napping, watching movies/fave shows, and giffing.

12. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?

Kind of? My cat Nisha had to stay in North Dakota after I moved, so my mum and her bf are looking after her now (and got her a little sister, a kitten who is getting so big already!, named Bella.) I help Housemate look after aer two cats as well, and I'd like to think the boys consider me like their fun uncle lol (aka I bend over backwards for them and let them steal my spot on the couch all the time, and will break out the treats if needed to corral them now and then. In my defense: they are the cutest lil baby boy cats and they deserve the world, even when they're being little gremlins lmao.)

13. HOW TALL ARE YOU?

Approximately somewhere between 5'3 and 5'4ish? I can't recall the last time I was actually measured, and most of the ppl I've been around were somewhere between those heights and I'm usually either slightly shorter or slightly taller than some of them, so??? I put 5'3 on my ID tho lol

14. FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?

English bc it was easy and I liked almost everything we did in that class. All my general and more specific history courses were a close second, and my foreign language classes a close third.

15. DREAM JOB?

Ideally, I'd love to not have to work. But who wouldn't, so that said, probably something in a library or museum. I'd love to be a library page again, or help work the front desk/docent duties of a museum. Working at someplace like Mystic Seaport would be amazing too; I'd be happy to learn how to help repair/repaint ships that come in or just help do tours or look after artifacts and stuff (tbh they could hire me just to type up any random data entry work they need done for any/all depts and I'd say yes to the job offer lol.) Unfortunately there's fairly significant roadblocks to me achieving any of these jobs rn, but I like to keep them in mind, just in case.

Also, if I can have one dream job that would be even more unlikely and is slightly TMI probably but: paid third for a rich couple. I show up, look nice, [redacted], make sure they're both good for the night, then go back home to Housemate (if it wouldn't be a night they'd want me to stay over, which I wouldn't be against but also. That would require some overtime pay lol.) The chances of this one are...so unlikely it's stupid funny, but a man's allowed to have dreams right lmao?

Tagging (if u guys wanna, no obligation if u don't wanna/have already been tagged/etc!!): @starmoonchildfromthebeamsabove, @freebooter4ever, @willowenigma, @turtleduck-tales, @mash1972, @mysteriouslybluepirate, @turtles-on-turts, @cononeillbreastingboobily, @treesofgreen, @dianetastesmetal, @arsenicflame, @gydima, @king-bussy, @p0ochy, @crvwly, and anyone else following me who wants to!

[dirtyoldmanhole]

real dweeby navel gazing time

i think one of the reasons i am having genuinely, so much fun with this gunter slowburn fanfic despite sitting at a literal 53k words rn and with it probably being close to 90k all said and done, is it's ... writing the ship i see myself in the most by far on both sides.

like, ever.

this shit is the rawest most honest shit i've ever written.

i've talked a little bit about how corrin's memory wipe stuff is literally a 1:1 to my anesthesia/childhood surgery/physical therapy conga line of bullshit. even aside from the helpful textual 'here's how this works from a medical event standpoint' there's the 'here's the emotional scars that it will leave because yes it is a bodily/mind violation of a sense, over and over, and jesus all of this of this stuff goes so well thematically to the straight up fantasy bullshit of nohr with the underpinning of being hyper-aware to the themes of "power" "use" "what it takes to survive by emotionally dragging yourself through a minefield" etc. stuff i've been ruminating over since being conscious lol.

then my body's so whack from a physical joint perspective that there's also almost word for word conversations from gunter's side that i've had with my gf about how to navigate certian shit from a kink perspective but also like... how to maintain dignity when your body's kinda physically crapping out on you due to the march of time.... without loosing the sexytimes u know?

the concept of dignity in the face of being broken is a huge theme in this fic that gets echoed. very poignant for reasons you fates players know.

amusingly there's a scene near the end where corrin's helping him to shave after his stroke. (in one of fate's "clearly having a giggle at my expense" coincidences i've been in contact lately irl with somebody who's also gone through a stroke and man is it not easy) and it's this kind of perfect blend of she's helping him, technically, with something that could just be... god awful self loathing brainspace wise for him but it turns into this amazingly hot kink scene with some serious sizzling power exchange.

the dream, man!

there is a real thin line between being able to laugh at yourself *while* keeping that dignity to pointedly.... having to not look in the mirror some days. desire and shame being some real fucked up entangled wires too, in that sense.

the tumblr uwu approved discussions re: tricky medical/'my body is crapping out on me man and i can't hide it'/kink shit and having to be ~valid~ all the time gives me the hiiiiiveeeees man (and i'm not knocking it for other people, i know why it exists, but it sends my hackles up u feel).

and yet this fic still feels like, hot, in the fun sense.

there's enough fun whacko fantasy taboo elements in it that it doesn't feel .... oh no this ain't sexy this is Too Real, you feel, or too much like a trauma fic(tm)

there's the sexy yandere villain ossan (lol), corrin herself has one hell of a sex drive (and honestly that's yet another huge focus, that wish fufillment fantasy of this 'pure fragile princess chick that's fought over like a prize by everyone else' who gets to choose 'no i actually want the hot villain kthx'. she actually rants to him several times about being fought over and having everyone else from nohr/hoshido project all the shit on her.

(and him being all, I got you, I get it.)

he actually does!!!! that's the funniest darkest most ironic thing!! he's got that weird blend of being aware enough from a kink perspective and just 'went through enough shit' life perspective of why sometimes the most sacred, profound thing you can do for somebody is to break them when they ask for it. sometimes in the dark u just want the brain wires to go bzzt.

there is a weird as hell comraderie in the sense of facing very specific demons that only they have (which, again, hilariously, goes so well with the themes of revelation! invisible enemies/demons that only you two know about.)

and then i have like yet another essay in me about how literally every character i've RP'ed is a suspiciously similar to his whole... archetype.... like all of my RP partners have gravitated to playing the chicks in the het relationships and i've always RP'd the snarky older guy going through life snarking at shit and being a closet misanthrope (there's probably some presentation/gender-aligned stuff going there but this is already navel gazey as hell lol)

anyway

tl;dr i haz feelz

[alwaysthesitter]

I am just so fucking exhausted from everything lately, and it's put me in one of the worst moods I've ever been in. I feel like a shell of myself. It sounds dramatic, but it has been crisis after crisis after crisis since April and it doesn't seem like there's any breaks. It's like I'm running a race with no finish line. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I am just drained all the time. I can't get enough sleep. My health is pour. I'm not s*icidal or anything, but I feel lost and hopeless and kind of like what's the point of life if everything is just going to continue to be bad.

And it's spilling onto this blog honestly. I love writing, it's my escape from everything, so I'm not taking a hiatus by any means. But I'm struggling so much. I keep spiraling into horrendous places I feel like I can't crawl out of. I think my muse is garbage and that I am a sham and don't do justice to Steve. I see all these people interacting (and again, I know this isn't laced in fact/logic but welcome to the emotional brain) and feel like an outsider because they're all doing things and I'm just over here. I lost a few followers yesterday and normally I wouldn't care but when I'm already dealing with so much loss it's like....wtf did I do now, why am I not good enough, is nothing I do including my hobby going to be a stable place where I feel support? And then there's all these blogs that are refusing to follow me back and it just makes me feel stuck in the drama that at this point was A YEAR AGO and these blogs WERENT AROUND and so I'm like.....what is it about me that makes me so fucking awful that people don't want to write with me. That's depression talking.

I'm just done. I feel like I have no purpose. No escape. I feel like I'm drowning and the world refuses to throw a life preserver any time soon. So if I'm absent on here, or not answering DMs, or only replying to short things, that's why.

[knights-of-the-glittery-table]

I wrote a very long email to an organisation that is there to help fight on behalf of people who want to complain about their medical treatment both physical and mental heath wise.

I was given the website in Jan by someone from a charity who used to be helping me out but I've only just decided to write to them as I'm so tired emotionally.

Hello,

My name is Jenny and I live in -. I'm - with severe depression, anxiety and agoraphobia. I was given the name of your organisation in Jan by someone at - but found it tough to be able to put into words how neglected and failed I was feeling. Unfortunately I ended up having a year just as rough as all proceeding it and I'm at the point where I feel so abandoned and without support I think I can talk about it.

I lost my dad at 16 and then mum at 20, I was severely mentally ill and unmedicated at the time (failed by my family GP the entire time who diagnosed me at 14 with depression but never prescribed any medications or counselling/therapy) and it was only around 24 years old I started to be medicated. 

The last 13 years have been absolute hell and I've been let down by not only the small amount of family I have (brothers of my mum who all live far away/out of country) but so very much by the medical field as well as organisations I've reached out to.

I've reached the point where all the fight is gone out of me and I just don't have any trust or hope left. I'm so desperate to feel supported and cared about but as I said tearfully to my friend not long ago, I feel that all these places supposed to help actually have made my quality of life worse and eroded my will to live.

I have 13 years of pain and hurt with an endless amount of it put at the feet of not being given the support and treatment a person deserves. The stress and effect on my mental health as well as physical health over time has genuinely put me into such a place of not being able to trust or hope when all I want it to be able to do both of those things.

To give just very brief idea of things, here are a few things off the top of my head from the last month or so:

Being in severe mental health crisis and told to call my GP surgery back if I felt worse. I rang back two days later only to be told it was a half day so the doctor had left but would receive a call the next day. Five minutes after the call ended I receive a text message to tell me I'd receive a call 5 days from then as already prearranged. Five days is a terribly long time when you are in crisis. The phonecall I then received was very brief and told me we'd go from the appointment set in place for the next week with a nurse.

This appointment that the doctor prearranged was to speak to a nurse who is the 'go between' between the GP and psychiatric and  it ended up being cancelled three times. By the third time the text no longer told me to get in touch to rearrange so I gave up. The days leading up to each appointment before they were cancelled (the last time it was actually cancelled an hour before I was due to go, by text) were filled with awful anxiety because my previous experiences with 'mental health 'liaisons/connectors'  were truly awful. The first one made me cry and when I tried to explain that to her she got aggressive and lacked any sort of empathy for mental illness, bringing her religion into it. I asked the GP to please never put me in contact with that person again. The other time I was sat in a room with a young woman who genuinely sat in silence and just stared at me. I felt rather baffled by the silence and so just kept talking about how I was feeling and finally after near 10 minutes she spoke up only to ask me what my caffeine intake was like and had I tried screaming into a pillow and playing loud music. I left pretty soon after. These two incidents were only this year, not even that long ago.

I tried to get in touch with my surgery late last month about arranging some support by having monthly mental health wellbeing calls the same way I arranged before the surgery changed hands this time last year. I've not heard back and I don't have the fight in me anymore to try and enforce it.

After being on the waiting list for 8 months or so with Talking Together Wirral they wanted to start some counselling the same time a brief 6 sessions with Cruise bereavement started. I spoke to them and they said they'd sort it out and get back to me. Instead on the first session with this new counsellor I was informed it wasn't possible to do both at once and that it'd have to be pushed back.(They were supposed to be in touch again by mid November, never were.) I was then deeply upset by this counsellor who informed me that depression and anxiety were manageable by counselling and meds and I didn't need a higher level of care. I spent all of this year being encouraged by the GP and the nurses I was speaking to from the mental health crisis line that I was doing the right thing trying to push for a higher level of medical psychiatric care so it just confused and upset me greatly.

I apologise for the length of the email but there has been so much, I mean the whole reason I was given your name in the first place is because the lady who gave it to me was deeply unhappy with the way I was being treated and the last 11 months have only added more to that list of ways I've been failed and deeply upset. (This connector I mention I haven't spoke to since Jan as in her words I was too poorly for what third sector can offer. I tried getting in touch during a mental crisis beginning of October to ask if the next time the dwp send me spiralling into a mental heath crisis I could ask for their help but she never replied. That had an effect on me too as you can imagine.)

There's a lot I could make complaints about, just the absolute lack of care from everywhere from the GP to the access team to the times I was an outpatient with dermatology and a hundred other places and people. I've been failed on every front, for 13 years and I can't do it anymore.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, this is Chantal again. I'm not sure if you got my first ask, I still have it saved if you need me to resend it, but if you got it already, this is just an update on how things are going (tw for alcohol, chronic health issues, and death).

So my situation has gotten way more difficult lately and it's all connected to family issues. I mentioned in my first ask that I had a relative near death, it was my uncle (husband of the aunt who copes by drinking). He passed away (making it the second death I've had in my family in only 3 months). And once again I had to go through an extremely emotionally draining and disturbing funeral.

Now my aunt moved in with us. She brought alcohol into the house and she's constantly making references to drinking, including making a joke where she said alcohol is the "over-the-counter version" of an anti-anxiety medication. And now my mom is set to have surgery later this month. She's been in a very bad mood lately because she and my aunt get into a lot of disagreements. If I'm getting along with my aunt while my mom is mad at my aunt, my mom takes it as us supposedly teaming up against her. But if I get my aunt upset while my mom is on good terms with her, then my aunt complains to my mom about me, and my mom gets angry at me for not being nicer to her (even if it's just something like me responding in a less cheerful way than usual thanks to being tired, stressed, or in pain).

Basically everything from the first ask is still the same (my schedule is even worse now with my aunt living with us since I feel like it's really disrupted things, I'm getting frequent pain episodes, experiencing physical flare-ups from the intense amounts of emotional/mental distress I'm going through, and still don't have a doctor). I'm still feeling a huge amount of guilt over how I let my mental health negatively impact my physical health. And it just feels like I'm constantly overwhelmed and don't know how to handle anything since no one around me copes in healthy ways either and I feel extremely alone and hopeless. I am sort of back to work but I'm constantly feeling distracted, less productive than usual, underconfident in my abilities, and I'm always panicked about messing up. I feel like this can't last forever but at the same time it really does feel like it's one awful thing after the next and I can just never get a break. And I don't know how I should deal with things because I just feel like a mess beyond hope and shit keeps happening.

Hi Chantal,

I'm so sorry to hear that things have gotten worse since you last wrote in. I'm so sorry for your most recent loss. It's understandable that the funeral was draining for you.

It sounds like the relationships between you, your mom, and your aunt are becoming complicated as well, and they seem to be unable to recognize that you tend to have a more neutral stance whereas they either see you as for or against them, which only creates more conflict between each other.

Please know that there's no need to feel guilty for your mental health impacting your physical health because sometimes you can't necessarily prevent that from happening. I think it may be helpful to focus less on how your mental health is impacting your physical health and more on what's impacting your mental health to create that chain effect, identifying a root cause (or several, because there are many things).

I think in times like this it can be hard to remain hopeful that the future will be calmer for you. If possible, you may want to look into some mindfulness exercises as well as some self care practices to at least temporarily help relieve the stress of everything that's been going on for you.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary302

7/17-18/24

wednesday - thursday

tired tired tired... up too late rn.

so that means soon i sleep.

some good stuff w/ music today, i got to work on some stuff, another track has been exported so i can listen and see what i think about it, it certainly is a weird one, i want it to be the opener cuz i think the chorus is super catchy in a way that will surprise people, but idk about that honestly. to someone like me though, it is cute and fun. i wanna figure out vocals for that. i also figured out the issues i think with the other song re: drums/ease of understanding it/following what it does. i had to simplify one pattern a bit, make it less idk, offbeat basically.

anyway, outside that, today was errands day... i was able to get pizza too and there are leftovers. my gf was very tired today though, cuz she got in at 3 am yesterday and had to quit the job because they were like, wednesday is a mandatory day, and she was like, i can't do 7 pm to 7 am, and then they were like, well okay. and so that's that. it's not like it would have been too much longer than this anyway. i just feel bad for her cuz she was doing that so much she didn't really have time to process how draining that was for her, so she's kind of crashing today.

anyway, what else. my gf's brother is driving her mother truly coo coo bananas, it's very sad to see. i hope he will become not awful soon. obviously he won't but you know. oh and i felt cute today, at least, or mostly, it's very strange how i will oscillate but part of it really is being able to dress up, i suppose. i didn't take selfies though. idk, i should have, to document it. i feel dumb for not. isn't that so weird? the need to collect proof of feeling cute/ see if i ought to, that's so psycho generally, but the sense i missed out, i feel like i'm lying just putting it in text. something's wrong with me but it just goes too deep to really deal with. or deal with here. it's just me being crazy.

anyway, my gf is doing better now, she'll be even better tomorrow, the whole experience has made her more grateful for the kind of work she already does, she is not used to doing anything very physical, and she did way too much of it in too short a time. i've done more over my whole life but to be like, worked so hard over 4 days is majorly fucked, and it's so hot outside, this warehouse she was in had like little to no ac, probably just some swamp cooler somewhere in the massive thing. maybe i should not have encouraged her to sign up for this because it sounded so crazy and funny... but some parts of it were crazy and funny, but i can't describe those, so do your best to #imagine.

uhmm,, what else. ... too many people dming me on discord right now. it is 3 am... i want to sleep .

it's weird. everything just feels weird. i wish i were not feeling so weird. i don't know what i feel weird about. it's almost like a pregnancy. i dunno. i keep thinking about pregnancy. do i wish i could get pregnant? not really. i wish for other things. if i listed all the stuff i wished for, if i got it all, i think i'd just turn to smoke cuz it's so self negating half the time. i wish my hips were a little wider. i wish i was prettier. i wish i were what i am. i wish i weren't anything. i wish people didn't look at me. i guess people keep wishes so they can have little hypocrisies and discard them just as quick but i hold onto everything . i don't eat all of any animal, but i guess i want to eat all of myself.

why am i thinking about pregnancy though? it's weird. it's been a thing for a while in my head, never before has it been like this. i guess there's something like, can i carry anything to term? am i fertile in any way? i can't imagine myself as anything other than,.. idk, not giving, i'm not motherly certainly, i am very cold, or i think of myself as being cold but i think really i'm sort of just weird emotionally and my gf says i'm sweet and stuff anyway, i'm not giving or warm in normal ways, i think i act too immature to really be warm in a mothering way, but i am, i don't want to say productive or useful, i guess generative is the better word, doing things, i guess i've always, since knowing the word, which has been for a long time cuz i've known it since middle school i imagine, or earlier, the word gestating. i feel things inside me gestating, and have felt that, a resonant chamber inside myself too. i don't know. i don't want a womb, this isn't like, me saying the opposite of how i feel. it's just strange, that this is anything inside my head at all.

final thing before bed, it's also strange how of all people one might need to contend with as a cultural influence, lana del ray is one of them, that she is still the producer of images of what people wish they were, what they are, what they think things should be like, a weird nostalgia which doesn't refuse the present, i guess this fantasy that right now is also the past maybe. i wonder if i'm off in the same ways, or if we all are, if that nostalgic illness is something we're all dealing with. i would like to say no, because i would like to not have to think about anything mark fisher said, not out of hate just cuz i want to move on from that whole moment where everyone was so dour about the idea the past could be strung up like a corpse, carved, repurposed, material, just flatly a material basis and set of methods to dissolve/digest, put those functions to rest and see what rises once again. i also do not care for lana's music, it is weird though that even her visual aesthetic/fans of her aesthetic + pose have crept into producing images / maintaining lines to images/things i like seeing. it feels odd. also a lot of those girlblogging blogs give off such evil vibes, half the time i feel like the ways they are, are just transphobic, i feel as if i am witnessing terfs, i feel fairly certain in fact, it's just all so weirddddd.

anyway , sleepy sleeepy sleepy , so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dxsertrot]

And I get frustrated too when I feel myself coming out of a haze. Because when I'm in a haze I smoke too much, I don't eat enough or I eat things that don't offer adequate sustenance. I allow myself to wallow when I had things to get done. Although lately I've been better about doing what I need to do in that haze. But I lose all motivation to put in extra work into my self care. Like working out or going the extra mile to ensure I'm properly nourished or going on a walk in nature. Like when I'm in that haze nothing matters and I'm better off dead and I want to hurt myself but I can't because I'm too old for that so I just smoke way too much and sleep too much and eat too much (or hardly at all) and rip and tear at my skin. And then I feel better and I'm like fuck! I was trying to fix all of that and now I fucked everything up because I didn't want to be alive for a few hours. I think that's also why I enjoy being physically challenged so much at work. I like coming home covered in cuts and bruises and feel sore all over. Because I find so much satisfaction in pain. It's relieving and exhilarating. I think that's why I self harmed so much throughout my teenage years. And why I laughed when I got hurt as a child and was so reckless with my body. Because it feels like the only real release I can get. Then to wear that suffering as a badge of honor proclaiming "look at how much I can handle without breaking". I wish I could transfer that energy into working out but working out is too methodical and focused and restrained to be any kind of relief. It's boring at best. I do enjoy running, however, but the copious amounts of smoking hinders my ability to do that. So I know I need to quit. But it's so hard when I have so many days where I'm moments away from a full fledged melt down. I've practiced so much discipline, but now that's the next step. Self destructive habits are so hard to get rid of. They feel so good. And as awful as it sounds, sometimes it even feels like a gratifying fuck you to those who care for you when you feel hurt or neglected by them. I don't know. I feel like on here I sound totally unhinged and emotionally unstable but literally nobody in my life perceives me that way, except possibly one person and that's just because I have so much extreme emotion tied up into him specifically that I don't with anyone else. Like I'm so aggressively normal and chill that when I let people in on even a fraction of how low I really can feel they don't believe me. They tell me they think I'm actually a happy person when I tell them I'm a miserable person. I just don't know dawg. I'm both. I'm super happy and positive and grateful but I'm also extremely miserable and cynical and insecure and scared. Somehow these two things exist beside one another in me

[celestialpotat0]

Memories 2023 Part 1

Jan: i ring in the new year counting down to midnight at work. i try various new hip hop classes with different instructors, terrified i'll show up and be the only student. there were times i've shown up, been one of two students, and was told "this is gonna be an improv class" and im like fuuuuuuuc---- and i end up just having to improv and of course looking like a dying cockroach every time. i leave hip hop class dripping in sweat and feeling alive. reminded me of the days (long ago) id walk around all day in baggy sweaters and baggy sweats over my leotards/tights/leggings and never cared about how i looked like a slob because i felt so fulfilled emotionally and physically fit and was so assured of my happiness

Feb: pouring rain again after many weeks of heavy rains. sit down to an exquisite Cal-Indian meal with people who are also passionate about food. we all make enough money now that we can order way more than we would've been able to as students, which is when we first met. the flavors, richness, textures, temperatures of the various dishes, all topped off with a cocktail. we earned this and we are eating well and i realize that i can have experiences now that were so out of reach to me growing up. i never got to experience fine dining growing up.

Mar: late at night wandering by myself on the cruise, stumble upon singers and musicians performing at the pub. i'm completely sober, plop down by myself at a table in the front and center, sip on my water. there are only a few people in the audience; i feel sorry for the performers about the low turnout. everyone else still awake at that hour is at the raunchy adult-themed game show or casino instead. but i am so damn glad im at this humble, small, low-key performance; i get the sense that the others who also chose to stay here are kindred spirits who want to feel music. my senses are heightened, though maybe that's because i'm nervous, self-conscious, exhilarated, out of my comfort zone. the talent is so genuine, artists who work hard. music is one of the simplest joys, part of what makes life worth living. fully immersed in the sounds, i sing along to covers of janis joplin, prince, eagles, etc. until the show is over. my family's asleep, nobody can reach me because i have no reception out at sea. nobody knows where i am, so it is just me and the music and a small group of individuals who chose to be there of all activities on the ship. starting to think maybe i shouldnt drink at all for more events, because i feel like my memory is crystal clear and sharp and i was able to soak every sense into my memory more because i didn’t drink at all

Apr: watch bats fly out as day turns to night

May: wore a heart rhythm monitor for 14 days that my physician prescribed, distinctly remember an episode of the palpitations being particularly bad. when the report was published it was cool to see episode of SVT measured and graphed on the report and HR 179 bpm even though I was just sitting at the time and hadn't been exercising before that. in awe of technology and all of the knowledge accumulated and passed on for humans to invent that

June: solitary walk from tent to roaring river at sunrise

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

i'm going to sound really pathetic and like a loser when i talk about this but lately my emotions are all over the place and i keep having a feeling that's like a mixture of being sad, horny, and wanting romantic love. like i keep thinking about having a partner romantically/sexually and instead of looking forward to it someday, i get really sad bc i've never had that and likely never will bc of my social anxiety and awful social skills and bc i'm unappealing in every way (physically and mentally/emotionally). no one's ever been attracted to me. idek why i'm thinking about this so much bc i'm actually content being single... but i guess it's like, it just hurts knowing that no one's ever been interested in me that way and compared to other ppl my age, i'm behind in this aspect and that even if i do want it, it's more unlikely than likely to ever happen

[acttwohurts-blog]

mmmvent

[whumpy-writings]

Impostor Syndrome, Or Being a Writer

So lately I've been feeling like I'm an awful writer. That every single word I have ever written is absolute shit. That my stories are bad and anyone who says otherwise is just being nice.

I know that objectively, these feelings don't reflect reality. Lots of people have enjoyed my stories. I have a couple pieces that have been accepted for publication in anthologies later this year. Even still, I'm hit by the feeling that I'll never be good enough.

I think every writer feels like this sometimes, so I'm going to offer some words of encouragement.

Your writing matters. Even if you get a dozen rejection letters, even if you don't get any likes, reblogs, kudos, etc. Even if you never share it with another soul. You know why? It's because you wrote it. You're the only person in the entire world who would put those words together exactly in that way.

Writing is difficult and sometimes you'll feel like giving up. Like you should delete everything and never write again. Don't do it, my friend. What you feel is valid, but remember that feelings are temporary. Take a break from writing if you need to. But don't delete you work. Because if you do, one day the joy of writing will start to make it's way back into your heart, and you'll be sad that the younger you didn't save it.

Write what you want to read. Don't worry about it being too weird, too dark, too fluffy. Someone out there will be ecstatic to read it. In publishing circles, they talk about the ideal reader. The person who will absolutely love your story, who will give it five stars, who will gush about it to their friends. Don't write your story to appeal to everybody, because then it will appeal to nobody. Write your story for that one person, your ideal reader. And if your ideal reader is yourself, that's okay.

Stop minimizing your writing. Stop saying things like "oh, it's only fanfiction" or "it's just smut" or "this is self-indulgent and therefore bad" or "since this wasn't traditionally published it isn't a "real" book/story/piece of art." Stop it. Your writing is important, no matter the genre or your motivation for writing it or how your share it (or don't) with the world.

If you are submitting your writing to publications, you will get rejections. Lots of people will tell you to shrug them off. I'm not going to tell you that. It's okay to be disappointed or be a little sad if your story is rejected. I got six rejections letters for the first story I tried to submit for publication. I was ready to give up, sure that I wasn't a good enough writer to have my stories published. But then I did some edits and submitted it to one final publication. And it got accepted. So acknowledge your feelings, but don't give up. It might take a while, but someday your story will click with an editor.

Sometimes you'll be working on a piece and you'll hit a wall. You'll stare at the screen for hours, wondering why you can't seem to get words on the page. My advice? Don't force it. Take a walk, a nap, a shower. Start another writing project. It's okay if you set aside a WIP for a bit. Really. Every writer is hit by writer's block sometimes. It's okay, I promise. And it can be frustrating and demoralizing, but remember that it doesn't reflect on your worth as a writer or the quality of your story.

Whatever else you do, remember to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Sometimes this will mean stepping away from writing for a bit, and that's okay.

Dear friend, you are an awesome, intelligent, badass writer. Even on those days you don't feel like it. Those days when you want to throw your laptop or notebook at the wall. Those days when you feel like no one will ever want to read your story. Even on those days, you are still worthy to call yourself a writer. You are still good enough. So keep going. I believe in you.