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voidedaurora · 2 months

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Sorry if this is annoying. But I've always known you as Mel's close friend, what happened between the two of you to prompt a seperation? I read the part where Mel apparently falsely accused you of pressuring her into yknow. But where's the proof of her accusing you of that?

Sorry if this sounds like i'm defending her or that i'm skeptical of your story. I'm just extremely confused, feel free to ignore this. (I have a bad experience with Mel too sooo TT)

I haven't actually spoken publicly about the circumstances of why our friendship ended (mainly because she'll cry and piss herself saying it was meant to stay private) but in SHORT, Mel and I's friendship ended because of me venting to friends about her (in simple terms), The venting admittedly did get into pretty spiteful territory at times but it was only that bad because mel had been treating me like garbage for the past few months, swapping back n fourth from treating me like her best friend in the world to completely ignoring I existed. Aswell, not that this EXCUSES anything I was saying but I do have really bad BPD and one of the main triggers for it was whenever mel would ignore me randomly, I let her know time and time again that it was a trigger and that I couldn't handle her doing that and she'd reassure me, but ofc she never accommodated for that but expected me and everyone else to work around her own issues. Additionally I'd like to mention from early April (4th) until the day she left (04/30/2024) I'd been on narcotics, these really didn't mix well with my BPD but I needed them since I was in horrible pain from the surgery, they made me quite emotional, irrational, "out of it", and generally just got rid of any filter I had up

The friendship was honestly doomed to fail with her refusing to communicate EVER, she likes to talk about how she has communication issues but there's a difference between an issue and refusing to do it period, I tried time and time again to talk about any problems we had with us or just our friendship with her but every time she'd either brush me off, make excuses, ignore me, or get mad. To get back on topic, The venting or "shittalking" became a huge problem when the 2 ex friends I'd been venting to decided I was evil or something and went to go show mel all of what I'd been PRIVATELY venting about and frame everything to be that I hated her or something, obviously once I caught wind of this I tried my best to talk to her about it, apologizing, etc. But she simply ignored me, Shortly after all of that the two Ex friends had cut me off, preaching how "shittalking is horrible!! ur mentally ill and that's a crime" . It's notable to mention that throughout the whole thing if any of the two were uncomfortable, thought I was doing/saying too much, etc. they could've communicated and told me so. After the two Ex friends left ,Mel stayed around to get her Pastel VRchat model from me (since I was the one who'd set the thing up for the most part), then she ignored me for a while longer before dropping me after I'd dmed her to ask to just talk about everything. She then apparently went to her friends trying to convince everyone I was some psycho?? aswell one of the Ex friends was cherrypicking screenshots and tried to frame me for blackmail? (as in they were trying to say I was trying to blackmail Mel)

Obviously I have my parts in contributing to our friendships end but alot of it is on mel and her refusal to communicate with me, I didn't even touch on the way I'd been treated very deeply either. 🧡

And with that other part asking where she accused us of pressuring her, It's stated here "Mel felt she was repeatedly asked to engage in sexual interactions with Clovxr & Voided." Which in fancy words is her saying she felt pressured

I'm just going off of what's publicly available since she wouldn't talk to me about it herself, though do remember she didn't actually write anything in the PDF I'm using the screenshot from, It was written by her "unofficial lawyer" aka Gaia

#questions #quartelz #🍉

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jennilah · 6 months

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I think i started to follow you bc of tiny!cas, like eons ago, let me tell you seeing you get into different fandoms over the years has been a delight.

I remember seeing post of you going like 'hey these slasher film kinda go hard' and look at you know.

I mean this in the best way possible, I feel i've been watching a house plant grow, every now and then catching my attention and being amazed by the changes

omg thats such a sweet way of describing my... well happy autism awareness day everyone, its a nice way of describing the way i naturally transition through my Special Interests lmfao

actually, for the holiday, let me infodump about this very aspect of my brain to anyone who isnt aware how this works for me. (also every autistic person is different, so this is just how this symptom manifests in me)

ill say "phases" to simplify, though thats an unfair word because it implies im "over" my past phases. 99% of my past phases are pretty much there for life, but in the back of my mind. (So long as I didnt have a "bad breakup" with it for some reason, which is rare but happens) The ability to become a raving lunatic about it is dormant until someone asks the right question.

There can only be one interest (sometimes 2, with one being the less dominant one) at the forefront of my brain at a time, though. that defines the "phase".

so for example, my recent Halloween phase is "over" and I am 100% fully into Saw now, but I still absolutely love Halloween and Michael and Jason and all those guys. as evident by me still happily sharing gifsets and art and buying merch etc if it tickles my fancy. They're just hanging out in the background of my mental display case.

yea whoever follows my tumblr for a very long time has watched it happen in realtime. the transition between interests. i know for a fact which phase I started this blog on. if you're here from the beginning, youve seen, in order:

-Durarara!! -Deus Ex -Supernatural -Godzilla -Detroit: Become Human -There was like a few weeks where it was HLVRAI -And then it was plants. There was a year-long stretch with no Special Interest and I was latching onto odd things (and I was very inactive here) -Halloween & Friday the 13th -and now, Saw

I have many other things I love, but they don't clamp around my brain in quite the same extreme way.

my phases can last any amount of time, anywhere from a few short intense months to 5+ years, its completely random, completely unpredictable. even the interest itself is impossible to predict. its not something i choose, its something that happens to me.

sometimes i avoid watching things for a long time because im still very emotionally attached to my current phase and im genuinely afraid the shiny new thing will replace it. all art or fic ideas for the previous phase? theyll be abandoned. all I will want to create will be related to the new thing. (though I will sometimes draw it anyway, like digging up old toys to play with once in a while. The likelihood just drops considerably)

which is why right now i pretty much put a pause on the other franchises I plan on watching. I'm genuinely gripping onto Saw like someone is tryin to take it from me.

and then sometimes im like "haha yeah right. ill be fine. ill eat my shoe if my brain latches to this" and then put on the movie and by the credits roll im a new person (yes thats what happened with Saw. I really had no idea.)

this is also why im terrified of even just "checking out" things that have, like, a toxic fanbase or something, because i cant stop a new phase from happening if it does. and its really hard to keep it to myself, fuck

(do u know how mad i was when i realized i was attaching to hoffman the evil dirty cop??? i was so scared of drawing him, dudes. but thankfully everyones been cool abt it and we're all very aware of his awfulness & we have fun w it)

and every time my brain changes and i do get obsessed with some new thing, i get really scared and worried and hope I dont bother everyone who followed me for something else :(((( and yet, every time, im absolutely floored by how many people choose to tolerate my newest nonsense and stick around anyway

anyway ive lost the plot of what point i was making here OH YEAH thank you!

tl;dr: that would be the autism! thank you, it WILL happen again! that is a threat! 🥰

#jennilargh #jenna answers

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tahyal · 5 months

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Hi Tahyal,

I hope you are doing well. I'm going to warn you this is a long question and sorry if I'm asking you this but no one I know seems to give me advice on how to solve this issue of mine. So I thank you in advance. My soul feels very tired :(

At the end of march I started working at a new job. The thing is, I like the job and it also pays be pretty well, but with time I've realised this place I've been woking is the most toxic work environment I've ever seen in my life. Because we're a group of new wokers, the "elders" have been treating us like total trash. They've made multiple of us cry, and many have wanted to leave. They are horrible with us and constantly talk ill about eachother. It's very very bad. It's been almost a month and I've endured until three days ago, when the way they've been treating me for the past days has made me cry for days in a row everytime I get out of that place. I've thought about leaving the job but I'm still not sure, as I'm in uni and I pay for my apartment and all of my expenses by myself. My parents live in another city where I don't want to go back to and I also can't ask money from my parents to maintain me. These people yell at us, even sometimes insult us and even when you've been doing your job correctly they try and find ways to yell at you about. The mindset I've adopted is, I'm going to talk back as the worst thing they can do is fire me. They all hate me because I talk back (when they personally attck me for no reason) and I'm not a kiss-ass.

First of all what is your opinion on the matter? do you think I should leave the job although it pays me well and I actually like it, and it's also a pretty important position and I don't really want to go back to being a waitress? or should I stay and be patient but raising my voice when I feel like I'm being disrespected?

And my real question is this. I know we are not allowed to curse in Islam, so I've never reached a point in my life where I've wanted to cure so bad anyone in my life but here we are. Because I cannot do that, do you know any "halal" way to make dua' against a person? Or any way to attack them without getting any bad karma in return?

Wallah my soul is tired lately, especially from these people :(

Thank you for taking the time to read this <3

Hi love!

Im sorry you’re going through this, there’s some undeniable strength emanating from your message though! Masha Allah.

Since it’s a job that you like and that pays well, id suggest you stay but remain assertive! Things might get better along the way, I sincerely pray they do.

There are several duas you can make! One of the best ones is Hasbunallahu wa ni’mal wakeel, it has worked for on so many occasions. There is also the du’a of the oppressed, I can’t remember it but you should easily find it online.

Here are a few others :

Please update me, may Allah make it easy for you! 🤍

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fangirlstorycreator · 6 months

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Hey can you do some like this for Mateo

So you you and mateo are dating are you work together and you find out you was pregnant and you was scared to tell him and once you did he was happy and proactive of you

Of course I can do this for you anon 🤗 this is my first Matteo ask, so I hope it's alright for you 💚

You toss and turn in your bed, feeling this nausea deep in your stomach. When you sat up in bed, you try to do some breathing to calm the feeling you were having, you were on your own in your bed despite sharing it with your boyfriend Mateo, but he was on the morning shift down in the hotel. You were glad he wasn't there at that moment though, because you instantly had to run to the bathroom and throw up into the toilet. You managed to get it all up, that you felt you had, but your mind was going around in circles as to why you were unwell. There was no illness or bug going around, you hadn't eaten anything diffrent or that tasted off, and the only other time you had thrown up in the past was from a hangover or a migraine.

So what the hell was this? Wiping your mouth and lying on the cool floor, other possible reasons were going through your mind. You think back to anything that might have changed, but nothing. When you stood back up and looked in the mirror, a sudden thought just came to mind. "Wait?......No.....I couldn't be could I?" You run to your bedroom and check your calendar, your periods were like clockwork, always the same each month. These last few weeks had been really busy, and you had barley any chance to remember your cycles, you should have remembered. Looking over your calendar, your thoughts race, you were 2 weeks late! "Oh god!" There was a big chance you could be pregnant, but you weren't 100% sure. You felt your breasts were a little tender, and slightly bigger, and you felt like you were going to throw up yet again. Once you came back from the bathroom again after throwing up another time, you needed to know the truth, and what better way...than a pregnancy test.

Thankfully, you weren't expected to start your shift until 1 o'clock, and it was 9 AM at the moment. So you got dressed and headed out of the hotel to the pharmacy along the beach. You bought 2 pregnancy tests to make sure the first was correct, and to really solidify the truth, you needed the truth. But there was an issue in your mind as you start walking back to the Solana, you were worried about taking the tests, and you weren't ready to tell Mateo yet, it wasn't confirmed so you didn't want to worry him. You didn't want to do it alone, you wanted someone there, for comfort, support. And there was only one person that came to mind, your best friend Kenneth. Knocking on his salon door when you came back, you see him sat on his swivel chair.

"Look! I've already told you Joyce! If I can't deal with those god awful split ends, noone can!" "Umm, Ken?" "Oh! Hello babe! I'm sorry, I thought you were Joyce. I tell you what, that woman really can't take my advice these days" "Advice? You literally thought I was her and insulted her hair" "In a positive way though!" Smirking at him, he gets up and gives you a hug, inviting you in to sit and chat. "Have you been alright today Ken?" "Yeh, I had a blow and go special this morning" "I didn't know you offered specials Kenneth?" "Oh no babe, that was from the guy who stayed over my place last night. I couldn't keep him off me...well...I didn't really stop him. He WAS absolutely gorgeous!" "Kenneth!" "What?! If he wants a piece of me he's more than welcome, and I didn't hear him complain. Well, he couldn't with his mouth full!" "Your terrible" "You wouldn't want me any other way babes. Anyway! What are you doing hear? Your not in uniform" "Yeh, I don't start till 1....I was hoping I could ask for a favour?" "Sure" "It involves the Salon being closed" "Ooh! Is this situation juicy?" "Pretty much" "You wait there!" He says excitedly as he runs to the door and puts up the closed sign. "Right! Tell me everything! I'll get the drinks from the fridge out back" He did offer you an alcoholic drink, but when you refused, he knew almost instantly. "YOUR NOT?! Are you pregnant?!" "Keep your voice down Ken, I don't know, but there is a chance. I woke up being sick, and I'm two weeks late" "Oh my god! Well have you got a pregnancy test?"

"I've got two" "Are they positive?" "I haven't used them yet. I was hoping you could be with me when the results come in" "What? In the toilet? I ain't gunna lie babes but watching you p#ss isn't-" "No Kenneth! Obviously I wouldn't get you to do that! I just don't want to be on my own when the results come in" "Ah alright. But can I ask, why aren't you doing this with Mateo? He is the dad after all, if there is a baby" "I want to be sure before I tell him. And you know as well as me, that if there is something important to tell him, it needs to be precise. He can get muddled up with words sometimes" "Yeh I hear you. You know, the other day he was in hear and I asked him to grab me some shampoo from the back. And he asked why I wanted to use a piece of human ex-" "Ok! I get! So yeh, I want to be sure before I tell him" "Well alright, take these into the bathroom at the back, and I'll wait for you to come back out" Taking the tests, you go into the salon bathroom and use both of them, hoping they would both be the same result. Positive or negative, as long as they were both the same, you'd have your answer. When you came back out, you had to wait two minutes, but you couldn't watch. So you hand them to Kenneth as you pace back and forth past the salon chairs.

"Why don't you sit down and have a drink babe?" "I can't, I'm tence, on edge" "Yeh, the edge of a bed with Mateo if this comes back pos-" "Your really not helping Kenneth" "Sorry" You keep walking back and forth, before Kenneth gives you a look, that stops you in your tracks. "Well? Are they both the same result?" "Yep..." "And?....." ".......they're both....positive"

"Oh...my god...." You say as you slowly sit back on one of the chairs, shock going through you. "Are you alright?...I'm mean...are you happy?" "I'm...I'm going to have a baby....I'm going to be a mum" "You've said in the past that you've always wanted to be a mum though" "Yes I have, and my mind hasn't changed, I do want this baby. It's just....a lot different when the baby is actualy there. I'm not quite sure how to feel, happy of course. I think I just need some time to let it sink in" "When are you going to tell Mateo?" "I don't want to tell him while he's working, he has enough going on as it is. We both finish at 7 tonight, I'll tell him then. I trust this just stays between us?" "Oh absolutely babe, I won't tell a soul" "Thank you" He hands you the positive tests, you were definitely pregnant. Walking back towards the door, Kenneth stops you before you leave. "Y/N, if you need to talk about it with me, I'm right hear if you need me ok?"

"Thank you Kenneth, I really appreciate-" You stop when you suddenly hear a loud crash and arguing from next door, it was Joyce's office, what the hell could be going on? You and Kenneth stand outside the salon and see Mateo storm out, looking angry, sweaty and his shirt was completely ripped. "Mateo?! What the hell happened in there?" "Y/N! This stupid boy came hear, and tried to get my job! He is stearing my job!" "Do you mean stealing?" "Yes, that's what I said! He ripped my shirt! And he wants to work behind my bar!" Then a young man walks out of the office looking quite smug, with his shirt ripped aswell. "Well old man, it looks like I'm hear for the next week. I look forward to working behind the bar" "What? No! That's my bar! Miss Temple Savage!" Joyce walks out, looking like she is having a hot flush. "Calm down Mateo, I'm just giving Jason a trial run with no pay" "Miss Temple Savage, you cannot do this! I am the barman!" "My decision is final Mateo, now get back to work....and for goodness sake, get another shirt on!" She says as she goes back to her office. You grab a green uniform shirt from behind the desk for him, Kenneth however, looks like he could watch Mateo all day, biting his lip as he watches him.

"Babe, why is your shirt ripped?" "This stupid boy came hear, trying to be the bar man. I don't like him. Estúpido idiota!"

"Mateo, just relax, he isn't going to take your job. Just try to ignore him ok?" "Fine, but if he pushes me, I will fight back like angry bull" Kenneth just snickers "Oooh, I'd love to see that" Mateo shrugs it off and gives you a quick kiss on the cheek before heading back to work. "Why did you give him a shirt? I could watch him be half naked all day" "Yes Kenneth, I could tell by the way you were drooling" "You can't blame me though can you? Your lucky, you have him. Right, well I'll see you a little later, my first client is coming over, I'll see you soon babes" "See you Kenneth" When it was time to start work, you head upstairs and get into your uniform. You were working around the pool and bar this afternoon, so the lovely sun was going to be shining everywhere. The pool was relatively busy, just the regulars who are there every year. You had just brought a trey of drinks to the Garvey's before you walked back to the bar. You heard the very familiar sound of a mobility scooter, and you knew exactly who it was. "Hello Madge, how are you today?" "Oh I've had an awful night, I've been constipated since Tuesday" "Oh dear, that's a shame. I can have a glass of prune juice made for you if you'd like?" "A glass of prune juice? F#ck off! I don't want any of that rubbish! I'll stick to my vodka and orange thank you very much" "How about pineapple?" "What about pineapple?" "If you blend pineapple and cucumber into a sweet juice, it can help with your issue" "Oh, is that right....well, could I have it with some vodka in it?" "I'll ask Matteo to make one up for you" "Thank you love"

And off she went, back over to her family. Matteo came over to you, smiling happily, he had the most gorgeous smile.

"Hola mi amor" "Hi Mateo, you seem to have cheered up since this morning" "Yes, that stupid boy is trying to shake his ass and be more popular than me. I hate him" "Were you talking about me?" Came a voice as the same man from before came behind Mateo, and shot you a charming look. "You again! This is my bar!" "There's enough room for both of us old dog" "Hhrrr te voy a pegar-" "Mateo! Detente porfavor" You often spoke to Mateo in Spanish, especially when you wanted to speak to him and not let anyone else understand. "Ooh, the beautiful lady speaks Spanish? Hello, my names Jason. I'm new hear" He says, holding his hand out to you. You don't move a muscle, pretty much ignoring him. "Mateo, could you make a pineapple and cucumber blend for Madge Harvey? And pop a bit of vodka in there too" "Sure, I'll make it now" Mateo walks away to make the drink, and you walk away from Jason, happy you stoped a fight. But, you weren't expecting Jason to catch up with you. "Hey hey wait! What's your name?" "It's Y/N. Now shouldn't you be working?" "Yeh, but I just wanted to say hello properly. I was thinking, a beautiful woman like you must like a night on the town? How about I take you out for a drink tonight? I can show you the most beautiful spots in benidorm"

"I'll pass" "Oh come on, please. Let impress you" "Oh you've already made an impression on me.. and my boyfriend" "Boyfriend? Who's-" You point to Mateo making a drink, and Jason looks baffled. "Him? Really?" "Yes, me and Mateo have been together for 3 years, and if you want to continue working hear, I suggest you do your job instead of trying to get your leg over" And just like that, you walk away from him, blowing a kiss to Mateo. Jason was annoyed someone as beautiful as you were with Mateo, maybe he could try and show that he was better, he was trying to be the better bar man after all, why not try to get his girl too. The day went by quite quickly, and many things had gone down. Including a fight between Mateo and Jason that Joyce had to split up with the help of Les.

He was getting so wound up by Jason, you hoped it wouldn't get any more boisterous. Unfortunately, it was never that simple hear in the Solana. Les came to you that afternoon and told you there was a competition between Mateo and Jason, and whoever wins stays at the Solana. You were so fed up with this fued between them, you were hoping to stop this tonight. In the evening, you and Mateo were finished, but he stayed on to prepare for the competition, making a sex on the beach cocktail as a large group gathered. As Mateo was doing his preparation, you tried to make your way to him, when Jason stopped you in your tracks. "Hey Y/N! How are you?" "I'm fine, I'm just need to talk to Mateo-" "Ah ah ah wait just a second! I have a proposition for you" "What? I don't have time for you right now, or anything you have to offer" "Oh really? Not even say...a night just me and you?" "Excuse me?!" "Come on, you honestly enjoy sleeping with that ancient fossil?" "He may be older than me, but he's more of a man than you ever will be. Oh! And by the way!" Taking a hold of his shoulder, you grab onto him and knee him in the groin. Making him grunt and wince in pain, falling to the floor and holding himself. You just smirk and walk away, in hopes to get to Mateo, but he's stuck before an enormous crowd.

You feel a hand on your shoulder, and turn to see Les in his outfit for the night. "Are you alright there sweet? You look worried" "I am worried Les, I don't want Mateo to do this competition. Jason's just doing it to get a rise out of him" "Aye, I know. But don't you worry, matteeo can do it" "Les, you know Mateo isn't good with cocktails!" "...Uhh..Aye...but we won't let Jason win, I promise" By the time you had finished talking to Les, Jason had brushed himself off and was back by the table with Mateo, and by that time, it was too late to intervene.

Jason was showing off to the crowd as Mateo was struggling getting the right ingredients, poor Mateo. He caught a glimpse of you in the crowd, and it helped spur him on, trying to outshine Jason beside him. It didn't quite work though, especially when he accidentally threw a drink on a woman in the front of the crowd. You couldn't watch anymore, you didn't want to see this. You make your way around the other side of the crowd, and bump into your boss, Joyce. "Oh! Sorry Joyce, I didn't see you there" "That's alright Y/N, oh my, is the competition going well?" "Barley, Jason's winning, but I don't want Jason hear. He wants Mateo's job!" "I know" "And he-wait what?" "Allow me to let you in on a little secret" Joyce tells you that a man came into the bar tonight looking for Jason, apparently Jason had been on the run for stealing wrist bands as well as many other things, working in bars all over benidorm. And once the competition had ended, this man was going to take care of him. "Oh my god! So Mateo won't loose his job?" "No Y/N, now, shall we watch?"

Feeling a small sence of relief, you do watch the rest of the competition with Joyce, happy in the knowledge that your boyfriend won't loose his job. The thing is, it's been such a roller coaster for Mateo today, is it really a good thing to tell him your news so soon? By the end, the crowd were cheering for Jason, it was heartbreaking. But this man Joyce spoke about, came to the front of the crowd, and as soon as Jason saw him, his face was as white as a sheet. He ran, this way, that way, anywhere he could avoid getting caught. Unfortunately, he tripped and the man was able to put him in a headlock, and drag him back out of the bar. That was certainly an interesting night, and now, this was your chance to speak with Mateo, alone. Once the table for the cocktails had been cleared, Mateo made his way back to the bar, and started going back to his normal routine with Les, this was your chance. You weren't quite ready to tell everyone your news, and you wanted to speak with Mateo privately. And the way you would do that, would be to speak in Spanish to him, letting him know you needed to talk. "Mateo necesito hablar contigo. En privado" "¿En realidad? ¿Ahora mismo?" "Si, en este momento" You made your way to a table near the back, and he came over a few moments later, with two drinks in hand. When he sat down, he could see there was something bothering you. "What is wrong mi amor?" "Nothing is wrong exactly. But firstly, Mateo, why in the world would you do that competition? You know cocktails aren't your speciality! You could have lost your job" "I know, I'm sorry. I just hated that little idiota! Trying to move in on my bar" "And your girl apparently" "What?"

"He was trying to flirt with me today, but don't worry, I kneed him in the balls" Mateo sucks in air through his teeth, he can imagine that pain. But the fact that Jason was trying it on with you was more painful. "He deserved that! He really tried flirting with you?!" "He tried, but failed. Trust me Mateo, your the only one for me" "As are you my beautiful Y/N. I am sorry about today, and I'm sorry I didn't kick his butt out of this hotel when I had the chance" "Well, a dad wouldn't want to behave that way would he?" "Si, but my wife refuses to let me see my children, you remember when I told you about her years ago" "But Mateo....what if there was...another baby?...." Mateo raises his eyebrow in confusion. "What?" Taking out the two positive pregnancy tests, you hand them to him, and his eyes go wide. "......I.....mi amor....your?" "Yes Mateo, I'm pregnant with your baby" It takes him a moment to show any expression on his face, it was shock for you too when you found out, it was bound to be the same with him. But a wonderful smile started to form on his face, excitement in is eyes, and a little chuckle coming out too. "You! We are having a baby! Oh mi hermosa diosa! I am so happy!" He pulls you in for a tight hug, he was over the moon about being a dad again. "When did you find out?" "This morning, I was going to tell you before, but you had been so busy today" "I'm sorry about that. But we're having a baby! I can't believe it! Oh! Don't drink the drink I gave you, it had alcohol in it. Your not allowed that anymore!"

The rest of that evening, you and Mateo had spent much more time together, even him occasionally touching your stomach and smiling. The night did go by quickly, but you do remember discussing with him about going to the hospital tomorow, to find out how far along you were and if there was anything you needed to do or take. The next morning, you woke up to the smell of fresh fruit, yogurt and freshly squeezed orange juice. And it was all being brought in to you by Mateo, holding it on a trey and acting like a waiter. "¡Buenos días mi hermosa diosa! How is my beautiful girlfriend and our baby doing?" "Aww Mateo, your so sweet. We're both fine, thank you. The early hours weren't the best though" "Ah yes, morning sickness. I bet you were glad I came in and held your hair back?" "And stroking my back, yes thank you. This looks lovely babe, you didn't have to" "But I wanted to mi amor, also I want to make sure you are well fed before we go and find out more about our baby" "The appointment isn't for another 2 hours babe" "I know...which means that maybe...." "You are insatiable Mateo" "Only around you, besides, we need to fit in as much...alone time as we can before the baby gets hear" "I can't exactly disagree with you on that" "But don't worry, I will be very gentle" "Mateo I'm pregnant, not made of glass!" "(Chuckles)"

#mateo x reader #benidorm mateo #benidorm tv series #tumblr asks

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zuzsenpai · 7 months

Text

This is another personal post with TW mental illness. I'm sorry there have been so many recently. I really have nowhere else to put these things. Feel free to ignore.

I don't think my depression has ever been this bad before, in the almost 13 years I've had it. For maybe the past two months it's been steadily growing to a point of intensity that I can't ignore. The absolutely awful feelings won't go away. I can't stop thinking about how miserable I feel.

I can barely take care of myself. I eat takeout every day. There's garbage everywhere at my house. I can't get shit done at work and at some point people are going to notice. I have multiple really REALLY urgent doctor's appointments/calls I HAVE to make (one of which is to my psychiatrist who apparently I'm blocked from messaging on the healthcare app), yet I can't seem to pick up the phone. I am mentally incapable somehow. There's a wall there.

I have been told to exercise and meditate and I physically and mentally cannot. Again, there is a wall.

I have a video game I wanted to play, I try to play it, and I feel completely unattached to it (even though I have loved it in the past). I joined a really exclusive roleplay community for that game and proceeded to be too overwhelmed to make the character application and now the mods are asking me what I want to do. I haven't written fanfiction in two months because of severe burnout, and I miss it so desperately that it's making me realize I might have been using it as a bandaid/distraction. But my brain is so fried that I feel too overwhelmed to write again. People are leaving me nice comments on my fics and I can't even bring myself to read them let alone respond to them. My memory is so bad that I can't remember a lot of what happens in any of my fave series' and I feel like creating good fan content for those things is impossible at this point.

I'm ignoring online friends in my favorite server. I promised multiple IRL friends I would watch animes they like and I am feeling guilty that I mentally cannot do that. I'm dreading the two anime cons I have coming up in March because I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable in my cosplay this year. I have a close friend (who is also my coworker) who keeps trying to get me to do things with her and her husband and I keep turning them down because I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed by social anxiety and general awkwardness. Just the thought of having awkward social interactions is terrifying me and pushing me down harder than it ever has.

I had a boyfriend between October 2022 and December 2023, but I felt like it was a huge chore every time I had to see him and I developed zero feelings for him. I felt repulsed by the thought of us being romantic. We ghosted each other in December and now I feel like shit about it because he may have been the only chance I'll ever have at a relationship... but I also am in such a bad state that it's probably good things are over. Why don't I feel relieved?

I'm having physical tics in my abdomen and jaw that are getting worse and worse to the point of pain and people noticing. I can't talk to literally anyone without sounding upset, negative, angry. I had my best friends from out of state over a few weekends ago and I was so sick the whole time, I felt like I was letting them down. I've been repeating awkward interactions with friends and coworkers over and over in my head to the point where I think about it at night.

I haven't put my Christmas decorations away because I fucking CAN'T.

This week has been particularly bad. Yesterday I was working from home because of snow. When the snow stopped I rushed to my parents' house because I needed to be somewhere with people I know. But I was so negative in how I spoke with them, and it's making me feel even worse. I used to be really talkative and intelligent when having conversations with my family, but depression has taken that away from me pretty badly over the years, to the point where I can barely talk without thinking about how absolutely dreadful I am at conversation.

But today might be the worst of it (unrelated to Valentine's Day, though it certainly isn't helping). It pained me emotionally and physically to get out of bed, and I wanted to take a mental health day. Literally fell back asleep for an hour before I had to get up and DREAMT about taking a mental health day. But being alone at home is actually so much worse than being at work where there are at least people I am comfortable with. So I went in. I have been absolutely bombarded with depressed feelings all day though. I get up to walk down the hall to the bathroom and somehow that feels worse than sitting and staring at my computer without accomplishing anything. I'm sitting here crying at work, completely destroying the four months of tally marks I had for 'days without crying at work'. I didn't break my record, sadly.

I have a therapist. I have an appointment with her today actually. Maybe I'll just read all of this to her. I don't know where it's going to lead or what she's going to tell me to do, but all I want is to walk down the hall to the bathroom and have at least average, neutral emotions instead of carrying a chest full of raging depression. I want to be able to say something happy to someone so that they don't dump me as a friend for being toxically negative. I want to live, and I have things to live for. But damn if this depression isn't making it extremely difficult to enjoy those things.

#personal post for ts;#personal post #zuzu note;#mental illness tw #depression tw

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spectacle-street · 2 months

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I don't like to soliliquize about how my life is going anymore because I usually talk about how much it's improved and then everything immediately goes downhill after that, but I'm gonna take a chance and give a good ramble about how my life is going. Without jinxing it. I hope.

In the last few months, I've been working on not holding myself to such high standards anymore. I was always really stressed by it. It got into everything I did, even when I was just relaxing. I couldn't do a face mask occasionally as a treat, I had to do one regularly and with discipline. I couldn't read a book when I felt like it, I had to adhere to a strict schedule of reading every day at a specific time and if I didn't I was a terrible person and a failure. It was, as you no doubt can imagine, really exhausting. I was trying to make my life as perfect as those tik tok "my 5-9 before/after my 9-5" videos and I was miserable the whole time.

I ran into the same issue with my religious practices. I couldn't just worship in whatever way felt right to me, I had to do it a specific way and if I did it wrong I was convinced I was a terrible person. I felt immense guilt for not sticking to a daily schedule of prayer and going out on full moons to do this and that and making sure my house was always cleaned on new moons and yadda yadda yadda. It was a major "girl failure" mood.

So, having a strict, disciplined schedule is not my cup of tea. I really needed a looser routine and I needed to place less pressure on myself.

The only part of my day I can't loosen up is work. I have to leave by 7 and I get home by 5 (the car ride to and from work is 45 minutes to an hour, it's a real bitch to do but I needs money). I still want to get up earlier and get more done before work, and I still want to be productive after work, but I figured I might as well do it in a way that doesn't make me stressed as fuck.

What else is new? Having a crush these days is NOT it. It's fun for a week when I get to fantasize about that person and float on cloud 9 but then I spend all of my time worrying about whether or not they like me and anxious about our every interaction. That and I put a lot of time into trying to hang out with him and talk to him and he wasn't really interested. I had to balance being respectful about that in my head and also feeling righteously upset for myself because *sob* I'm such a catch and he doesn't even care. Ah weell, life goes on. It is what it is.

I've been pretty good about this kind of stuff lately. I know the worst of my obsessive crushes were due to a cocktail of mental health issues, so I try not to look back on myself too harshly. I also know that in the end, I can only put my best foot forward and try not to dwell on the past too much. When I let it invade the present, I couldn't find any rest and besides which, nobody was ever asking me to carry it around like that. I think that attitude has helped me cope better with some of the more personalized aspects of my illness. My voices always reflect where my mind is currently at, so when I lingered on past issues they lingered there too (and offered extremely unhelpful commentary).

I did get a flash of paranoia the other night. It was vivid and scary. I think I drank too much caffeine? Nothing like being extremely fearful at 9 PM while trying to buy heavy cream at the grocery store. I talked myself through it though and by the time I got home, the feeling was naught more than a fading memory.

When you're doing relatively well, it can be disorienting and scary to suddenly be plunged into this dark and scary alternate reality you once existed in though. Everything is overwhelming when you're like that! I felt like I'd just stepped through a rip in space time. I don't know how else to convey how topsy turvey everything gets when you're symptomatic. I used to be paranoid all the time and I really wouldn't ever choose to go back to that.

I'm being treated for lyme disease right now, so that's fun! I was mysteriously sick for about 3-4 weeks and I finally, FINALLY saw a doctor. As soon as I got in they saw the bullseye rash on my stomach and were like "get this bitch on some antibiotics." I wasn't able to keep any food down from about the time I woke up until 6 or 7 in the afternoon before and today AND yesterday I got to eat whenever I wanted like a normal, healthy human being. It was wonderful! Hopefully the good vibes continue into this week.

#schizophrenia #life update #mental health #bloggin #long post

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astronomic727 · 3 months

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Apologies if I seemed off yesterday, but something happened on the 11th of June and I'm ready to get it out there now. Yesterday, before I got around to posting, my family had to put our cat, Skye, to eternal rest. To keep it brief, she essentially just got too old, and started getting ill over the past few months. We didn't want her suffering any longer, it would be just too unfair and selfish to put her through the stress of getting operations done and bringing her back and forth from the vet, just to keep her around longer for what felt like our sake. It's better off this way. We had plenty of time to say good bye and had expected this day was coming soon, but it hits hard.

I would just like to vent for a bit because this cat meant a lot to me. Our household had many pets growing up. We got Skye and her sister Smudge since they were born in 2008. Smudge tragically and unexpectedly passed one night when she was only 3. Child me was sad she was gone but I couldn't grasp the concept of grief. We also had a dog the same time who passed by the time I was in my first year of secondary school. This hurt more on a deeper level since I was starting to mature. These 3 were the pets I grew up with and remember the most, as my parents had a cat and dog before I was born too, but I was only a toddler by the time they were gone.

This cat however lived for almost 17 years. She has been with me through primary school, secondary school, college, and everything in between. She's been there for every hardship I've faced, and has been around for so long that even my earliest memories contain her in some way. That's what makes this hurt so much more than anything I've ever had to experience in my life. The last little bundle of fluff from my childhood. Gone. But I have to remind myself that I can't be too bitter over it all, and that things could've gone much worse.

As I said, she's been around a long time. We've had many good memories with her. She was quite the character. She hated being picked up and was feisty. But if you sat down near her she would cuddle up with you pretty much instantly. She became even more affectionate as time went on. We gave her the best life that we could've, right up until the very end, and we prevented her from suffering any further. We were all with her as she went to sleep forever. She's with her sister now after all this time, I know it.

We're not quite petless anymore, I will say. We have a dog that we got back in 2018 and she's 7 now. So I'm glad to say we at least still have her and she'll be around for another good while. I was planning a drawing one time of her and Skye, and had the rough sketch for Skye done, but it fell on the back burner as other things took over. I felt like this was the perfect time to finish at least her bit off and post it. I really don't know if I should've rambled about all of this but I just can't keep it in man. I needed to get all of this out there. It's rough, but I will pull through. It's life. This is what happens. And I'm thinking maybe anyone else going through this situation, or will soon be going through this situation can sympathise a bit knowing they're not alone.

It's been hard to talk about, but don't worry, I do have the support around me to get through this. The only thing I ask of you all is, please go hug your pets. Appreciate the time you have with them, and let them know it. They aren't just animals, they're family. I'll be back with some more light hearted stuff soon enough. Thank you for your time, and rest in piece Skye.

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crittercrossing · 4 months

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Return from another unannounced hiatus... four years later! With big updates and a blog revival

Well... sometimes, time gets away from you. Anyway, it's Blaze here, and I'm glad to be back.

I've had this pet blog for, I think, 11 years now, and it hasn't been updated in over four years. I left off here pretty early into the start of the pandemic. I didn't mean to abandon the blog with no notice, but life was... like that, and I just didn't have it in me for a while to keep up with taking, editing, and posting photos.

That being said, I'm reviving this blog because I really miss sharing photos and stories about my pets. I realize now how important it is to me to share with the world how much I love these little guys.

So, starting now, I'm going to be regularly posting here again (to the best of my ability) with lots of photos! There will be a good mixture of things that I consider my "real camera photography" and silly phone photos.

I have some brief updates I want to go over here, though there will also be individual update posts on each animal soon.

(Content warning below the cut: pet loss and illness, though not discussed in extreme detail.)

Cats: My best friend, Smokey, passed away in 2021. It's been over three years now, and the pain is still with me every single day. I see now that I was closer to him than to any other animal in my entire life so far. After he passed, Violet was my only cat. I had only posted about Violet a few times when I was last active here, and I have a lot to share about her in her own post. She's probably the second-closest cat friend I've ever had, and I am savoring every single moment I get to spend with her because she has terminal cancer and it is really unclear how much time she has left. Three semi-feral cats appeared, hung around, and then passed away and/or disappeared during the hiatus: Shadow, Artemis, and The Void. Two more semi-feral cats appeared, who are still hanging around and doing very well: Leonard and Tree. Both are pretty tame now, both were neutered, and Tree may very well join me indoors someday. And, though I kind of thought I may never have another house cat for years after losing Smokey, I made two more indoor cat friends in 2021: Dorothea and Ivy. They are lovable disasters and I can't wait to start sharing more about them regularly.

Dogs: Katy, Chevelle, and my mom's dog Holly are all still around and doing moderately well, given that Katy and Holly are now old, and Chevelle is solidly middle-aged.

Chickens: I've lost most of my chickens within the past four years. Jamal, Jesse, Miah, Ezekiel, Sheba, Mahalia, Mykerion, and Jamie are all gone now. JD and Willow are the only two chickens from pre-hiatus that are still around, and both are extremely old, but doing pretty well. I have two new chickens since then, two sons of JD's, named Dominic and Jakob. Having three roosters and one hen is far from an ideal setup, but everyone is getting along relatively well. Additionally, due to my current living situation and my planned near future change in living situation, I'm just not able to get more chickens for the foreseeable future, which I am really sad about. But, I will keep my fingers crossed that someday, I can have chickens again in the future!

Rabbits: I am sad to say that I no longer have any rabbits. Bruce passed away in 2021. In 2020, a few months after the hiatus began, I took in a young rabbit named Jersey. He passed away in 2023. Due to my living situation and other complicating circumstances, I decided that now isn't a good time to have any more rabbits. I love rabbits dearly, and would love to have more in the future.

So, here's to a new future for my silly little blog for my photography hobby and the love I have for these silly little critters.

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writer-and-thrasher · 9 months

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Fic in Review 2023

Thanks to @trentcrimminallybeautiful for the tag! I'm (fucking hopefully) starting to get over being so deeply ill after two whole weeks, so I decided it was the time to do this! Yay!

tagging: Literally anyone who wants to, plus I'll tag @providing-leverage, @jamietarttdoodoodoodoo, and @trentcrimmisgay (sorry if you've already been tagged or if it's too late, my brain is rebooting)

Total Number of Completed Stories:

I completed 8 fics this year (1 for Dimension 20 and 7 for Ted Lasso)!!! It's way more than I planned to write in a year, especially given that four of them are over 10k words and I genuinely didn't think I was gonna write any fanfic this year. All in all, I'm really really proud of how much I've written!

Total Word Count: AO3's word count put me at 63,919, which... woah. The one D20 fic I wrote this year wasn't even 2k words, which means that I wrote over 60k words of Ted Lasso fanfic in 6 months. I didn't start writing for TL until June, which honestly makes me even prouder and more excited for tackling stuff next year!

Fandoms Written In: Ted Lasso, almost exclusively. I've also written for Dimension 20, and I figure I will more when Fantasy High: Junior Year releases, but for now I'm on a pretty big TL kick.

Looking back did you expect to write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expect: I expected to write way less than this! I'd hoped I'd write some, but nothing was really grabbing ahold of me until Ted Lasso crashed into my brain.

What’s your own favorite story of the year, personally?:

Ooh, that's really tough. I'll split it into two because I can't choose:

In my Dichotomy series (I'm just really proud of it tbh), my favorite of the fics was The Dichotomy of a Captain, aka Roy's perspective. It felt the truest to any of them, though I continue to try to stay true to all of them. It's also the first of the fics in this series that made me realize I really could finish the series.

My favorite one-shot of the year is probably Out of Practice, if only because sometimes I get WIP ideas and rarely follow through, but I worked hard to finish this one. And also, I really like watching through Isaac's eyes as he learns stuff about his best friend.

Did you take any writing risks this year?: Honestly, I think the fact that I came back and started writing again was my biggest risk of the year. I wasn't really sure of my voice or style, and it was intimidating to come back and keep writing, but the community made a world of difference.

Do you have any fanfic goals for the New Year?: I've got different WIPs I want to write, like finishing the Dichotomy series and a few series I have in the bank. I think more tangible goals are to get more comfortable with writing new scenes and being more comfortable with past tense. I've always been drawn to canon-explicit stuff, and for some reason, present tense has me in a headlock lmao

Best story of the year: I don't know that I can say anything is "objectively" the best, since fanfic is subjective as hell anyway, but I feel like The Dichotomy of a Captain is the one I feel is the best written. But that one is also my favorite, so I may just be biased.

Most popular story of the year: I'm stealing @trentcrimminallybeautiful's way of doing this because I think it's good, so shoutout

By kudos: "The Dichotomy of a Couch" with 268

By subscriptions: "The Dichotomy of a Couch" with 52 (This was originally going to be one work I wrote the series on, but someone suggested I turn it into multiple works in one series, and this one was first, so it has the highest)

By comment threads: "The Dichotomy of a Captain" with 14

By bookmarks: "The Dichotomy of a Couch" with 65

By hits: "The Dichotomy of a Couch" with 2604

Overall, definitely "The Dichotomy of a Couch", though I did admittedly post it first. But also, wow, these numbers are super humbling, and I'm honored that anyone has read and reacted to what I've written. It means the world for this fic (and my others) to be so kindly received.

Most personal story of the year: Most definitely Who Tells Your Story. No contest.

Funniest story of the year: Ooh, I genuinely made myself laugh while writing The Dichotomy of a Prick, so I'd have to say that one. It's the least serious, and writing Jamie's thoughts brought a smile to my face.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: Mmm, I guess Who Tells Your Story.

Most fun story to write: I gotta go with The Dichotomy of a Prick again, it was a breath of fresh air between two very serious parts of this series and amidst other more serious one-shots.

Story with the sexiest moment: I genuinely don't write sexy fics, so the answer is going to be very silly. The best I've got is an illusion to a sexy moment in the past during The Dichotomy of a Prick, but Definitely nothing actually sexy lol

Sweetest story of the year: I gotta go with Who Tells Your Story again, considering that I wrote it for the sweet moment.

“Holy crap that’s wrong even for you!” story: I'm also gonna take this to mean angsty instead of scandalous and say The Dichotomy of a Captain

Hardest story to write: The Dichotomy of a Prick was hard to write on a more technical level as far as Jamie's POV went; I was really conscious about not fucking up his character or writing him too OOC. But considering how personal it was for me, Who Tells Your Story gave me some gut punches as I wrote it that made it hard emotionally.

Biggest disappointment: I think that some fics I liked didn't do as well as others that I didn't like as much, but I also know that my writing got better over time, so I'm really not dwelling on it.

Biggest surprise: Writing again in general, definitely, but also how much love I've gotten for things I've been really excited about. I fully didn't expect so much kindness (far more a me thing than anyone in this community, y'all are wonderful) and it's definitely inspired me to keep going. Y'all are amazing and I'm so grateful for all of you.

#ted lasso #fanfic #dimension 20 #wrath fic #fanfiction #wrath #fic in review #ask box is always open #thank you all so much #happy new year

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translucent-at-best · 1 year

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Scatter-brained...

I'm moving next month and when I tell you I am ill-prepared... yikes. Even still, although I have my moments of panic here and there, I wouldn't say I'm in panic mode. Might should be, but I'm not. Right now, anyway.

Every Black person I know in LA went to the Renaissance tour for Beyonce's birthday show tonight. Love that for them, hate that for me.

Yesterday I gave myself an orgasm that I felt in my toes and fingertips. That shit was amazing. My body needed that.

Talked to my best friend from back home earlier this week and she admitted to me that she cheated on her husband. My roommate broke up with her boyfriend yesterday after finding out he'd moved a woman he worked with in with him and had been lying to her about it for over a month. Last night while my roommate was on the phone with friends trying to comfort her, they just kept going on and on with examples of how their boyfriends had dogged them and how they'd dealt with it.

Ayo... I know relationships are work. But all these instances have me wondering am I dumb for thinking that work was mostly gonna entail learning to love and merge lives with your person? I can't imagine completely disregarding someone's feelings like that and being so intentional in hurting my partner. This really what folks just out here doing?

Had to cancel my Houston trip and although I'm bummed about it, I'm more so relieved that I get to keep that money in my bank account. Adulting and being responsible for keeping a roof over my head is some bullshit though.

I've gotten really close with a couple of my coworkers over the past few months. We've been hanging out pretty regularly and whenever we see each other, I noticed we always hug as a greeting and as a goodbye. The reason I noticed this is because before that started happening, I was being hugged very infrequently. Not that I didn't have friends before them, but those other friends aren't big on being touched, so we never hug.

It's little, but it's meaningful and I don't take it for granted. I really miss being touched and held.

Motherfuck these upcoming student loan payments.

Speaking of those new friends, I was honest with them and told them I didn't have the funds to go through with plans we made a while ago. Past Michelle would've cancelled without a reason and isolated myself until I was financially okay again. Present Michelle realizes that people I care about don't deserve the disappearing act, so I let myself be vulnerable and let them know.

I appreciated their response so much. Instead of making me feel bad for cancelling, we changed plans from an outing to a chill day in and cooked instead of ordering food so that we could still get together. That meant so much. I'm blessed to know some really genuine people.

#scatter #scatter brained

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forgottenluck · 1 year

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So....I'm sorry for sort of just...kinda dropping off the face of the earth for the past month, only interacting off and on and such.

Under a read more is the long version.

tldr: Life handed me a very bad hand and i'm not dealing well.....but trying to get myself to a better position.

Now for the long version.

At the end of April, one of my favorite months, my landlord decided that they would not be renewing our lease. For reference, we lived in Government Assisted Housing, which subsidized our rent and made it easier to afford just basic living. As most of my followers know, I live with my mom. But for those of you who are just now joining me on this hell-journey, i'll give you a rundown.

My mom is in very poor health. She's had massive complications with surguries, strokes, heart attacks, transplant....you name it, it's likely happened to her at least once. This left her pretty much unable to care for herself. She can barely stand on her own, uses a wheelchair and walker....etc etc. I've been careing for her for about 15 years now.

Back on track, we'd been living in Government Assisted (HUD) housing for a few years now, it's a vicious cycle of "you can't make more than ___ and if you do your rent goes up." and "Can't work more hours or rent goes up." and "can't get a raise because then rent goes up.".....and we haven't exactly been happy living here. The place has changed hands multiple times too. In the years I've lived here, they've changed hands at least once a year. The current one is the one that's held on the longest....And they're not very good landlords.

During March and April of this year, they did their yearly inspections. Which, due to my mother being sick at the time, we missed. Because of mom's health, she's Immunocompromised, which means she cannot be in contact with a lot of people....especially when she's already ill to begin with. All of the other landlords have understood this, and respected this. When she's sick, i put up a note on the door, that explains she's sick and that if they need to come in, they're to contact me and reschedule any visits until after she is better. As the note instructed, the landlord skipped over our unit in inspection....but never called me to verify a new date. They'd done this before, and so i thought nothing of it....

But when I went in to do our recertification (which we have to do every year through HUD) I was given a massive slap on the wrist because "they couldn't get in our apartment for inspection"....and that the landlord would call me to reschedule the inspection. By that point, the apartment was a mess because i was trying to take care of her and an elderly dog she refused to rehome....So, thinking that it would be in a few days, I worked to get it back into shape.

I never get a call.

Okay. That's fine. I'll just move on with life. I have more important things to deal with, after all.

It was, unfortunately, not fine. I go in to give them my paperwork for the recertification (because I missed some papers the first time) and I get told that our unit is being chosen for the yearly HUD inspection, and that it'd better be spotless in one week. And of course...i panic.

I have ADHD, and being the only member in the family that can actually move around, it means i'm also the only one who can clean the apartment up, take trash out, dust, etc. Which is hard with ADHD. So the apartment was an absolute wreck...and i had to clean the entire thing in one week. I ended up having to call in help. But i got it done.....somehow. The apartment had looked the best it had in YEARS. Sure it was a little dusty, and the carpet was filthy because of an elderly dog and another dog that sheds like crazy.....(and the fact that my vacuum had literally exploded the night before.)

But somehow.....somehow, we failed the inspection. And the landlord wouldn't give me a clear answer on how. Regardless of how or why, we were given a 90 day notice, we had to be out by July 31st. It wasn't an eviction, they were.....nice enough to do it as a "non-renewed lease" but it was still....not a great situation.

Cue a.....mad, frantic battle of trying to find a place to live. With mom's health, we had to have specific accomedations.....and luckily a friend of mine was willing to go in with me on an appartment, even willing to accomedate my mother if we could find a place. But every place we looked into, applied too....denied us. (It didn't help that because i was once income based housing, my income was very low and most apartments wanted 2 or 3 times the rent in monthly income.....which was impossible for me.)

About mid June, my mother decided enough was enough, and she agreed to be put into a nursing facility. I could no longer adequately take care of her, tension and emotion were strained.....it had not been a good situation for a while, and she finally broke down and agreed to the suggestion. We put that in motion and then me and my friend set out once again to try and find a place to live. Without her limitations, the first place that we applied too accepted us. A small breath of fresh air....that didn't last long.

I now had to pack a whole 2 bedroom apartment into either a donate bin, a storage bin, or the new place. And to make matters worse, my mother was obstinate and inconsiderate, and pretty much refused to let me work on packing unles it was the middle of the night and she wasn't awake. I would constantly get passive aggressive quips and sometimes full blown arguments with her about the move.

All the while, there's hiccup after hiccup with her going into a facility. First the hospital didn't release her information to the coordinator because they thought it was an audit (which if it was an audit wouldn't you get it super fast in that case to get it over with? but what do I know....), then the coordinator went on a mandatory vacation. Then they had to wait for the hospital to release more information. Then mom had to have a test done. All of this stuff should have been handled in two weeks. We were told by the coordinator it would only take two weeks......A whole month went by and we were still waiting.

And because we were still waiting, and i was recieving harassment and push back, i was behind in packing and sorting. Those weeks were....really blurry if i'm going to be honest with you all. It didn't help that about towards the beginning of July my apartment was broken into and I was assaulted. (SA, this will be the only mention.) OF course the Landlord did nothing, and I really don't want to go into details because it just makes them look even hinkier.

The stress, the assault, the move....it all blurs together the past month. I spent from July 30th to August 3rd trying to get as much stuff out of that apartment and into the new one as i could. My roommate had already moved in, so i just had to move my stuff in.

My aunt, graciously allowed me and my mom to stay with her while we stayed in the facility limbo (i had to stay with mom because my aunt had no idea how to care for her, and really couldn't do everything necessary.) But...mom's health rapidly deteriorated over the past few weeks, and she was just admitted into the hospital.

Life has not been kind to me the past few months. I've been stressed, attacked mentally, verbally, and physically. It's honestly a wonder i'm still kicking. I know i've developed some sort of heart murmer or palpitations that flare up from time to time recently. My room is bare minimum....i just had to buy a comforter set and some other things that i need to be able to sleep. It's not been good.

But.....hopefully, from now on, things will look up. I know this has been mostly a rant, but I wanted people to understand where I've been and why i've either dropped things completely, snipped and snaped at people, or hyperfocused on one or two things. It's all i've been able to do. And I want to thank all of you for getting to the end of this, and for supporting me as much as you all do. I'll get back into the swing of things here, it just may take me a bit.

Thank you again, and please, i do hope you have a good night. I'll queue this a few times over the next few days.

#{Out of Luck} OOC #rant thingy #Life Update...kinda important #long post

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more-than-a-princess · 1 year

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Thirty minutes (as of the time I'm writing this) until midnight on Monday isn't too late for a Munday post, is it?

A few activity and life updates under the cut.

It's been a bit of a ride these past couple of months for me, and my blog interest check has come at a good time.

The tl;dr - I'm likely going to have to keep my activity at one reply/starter/IC post per day for the foreseeable future. I'm doing my best to keep to that but there are some days I just can't manage it right now, for a few reasons:

Work - I'm in the process of getting a promotion! This has been a long time coming, but my job duties will require me to be in the office more, which means more commuting time and less energy to keep up with the dash on my end during most weekdays. I'm moving up into a role that requires more meetings and I'll have people who will report to me (which is a tad frightening, introvert that I am). Unfortunately for me and my RP time, I'll have a bit less autonomy to do my work whenever, wherever, so my weekends will be very valuable for writing time, as I just don't see myself being able to write every weeknight right now. Due to this and...

Health - Back in the spring, I started working with some medical specialists to take care of some health issues I've had for years using previously unavailable treatments. I'm happy to say that they are working with weekly medication, but I also have to deal with the nausea and fatigue side effects that come from this medication. It leaves me tired and feeling ill pretty often, especially in the first few days after each dose. This has also slowed down my writing speed and being able to keep up with the dash.

I will also likely need minor surgery on one hand in the upcoming weeks/months, which will temporarily impact my typing abilities as well. Not looking forward to this, but one of my hands hasn't healed properly after my fall and I don't have full use of it.

Other hobbies - Dragon Con is soon! One of the biggest fan conventions in the world, I am attending Dragon Con at the beginning of September (with a ton of non-anime/game costumes: my spirit says I can wear 10 costumes in 5 days. My body may say differently) and an anime convention at the end of October, which is taking up some time as I work on finishing/prepping costumes, planning photoshoots, etc. I'm in the final stages of finishing up costumes for September at least, but some of my weekends between now and then will be spent painting, wig styling, makeup testing, and applying about a thousand rhinestones to a dress.

That is to say: I'm still here, I'm still responding to and wanting to write threads, but my ability for checking the dash constantly and sending things like memes/dashcomm as I see them is going to change a bit during the work week. I am always happy to chat and plot threads with mutuals, though! I may just need time to reply to messages. But messaging me directly here or on discord, or tagging me in posts (not hashtag in tags but tagging me in the post directly), are the best ways to make sure I don't miss your notifications.

#more-than-a-princess musings #more-than-a-princess PSA #(My activity isn't what it used to be and I wanted to share a bit as to why)

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erotikkook · 1 year

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I'm Back!

𝐀 𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 Hi there, everyone! It's been a hot minute since I've been active (i.e. over 6 months), but I wanted to give you a long update on where I've been, what I've been doing, etc.! If you're not a big reader, I'd skip past this post - it'll be kinda lengthy. possible tw: mental health/physical health, potential cursing, mentions of sex in relation to tumblr content - ALL SECTIONS WILL HAVE TW ACCORDINGLY

NOTE: THERE IS ALSO AN ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT SOME UPCOMING FICS. IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN MY PERSONAL LIFE BUT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT TO EXPECT HERE IN TERMS OF MY WRITING, JUST SCROLL TO THE CATEGORY LABELLED "FANFICTION"

𝗠𝗬 𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦��𝗡𝗔𝗟 𝗟𝗜𝗙𝗘

𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙠 I've spent extensive time going from one job to the next. I'm making a very similar transition again, hopefully for the final job. It's an even better full-time job that would make me twice as much as I make now. I was offered a position which means I'm well on my way to renting an apartment and getting a better car!

𝘽𝙞𝙧𝙩𝙝𝙙𝙖𝙮 By the time you see this, it'll be my 20th birthday! So just a little happy birthday to me and all my other April babies.

𝙋𝙝𝙮𝙨𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙈𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙡 𝙃𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙩𝙝 (𝙏𝙒) TW for this section, mentions of physical + mental health and mentions of weight. Please skip this if you're uncomfortable. I've also spent a lot of time being physically and mentally ill. I'm now officially diagnosed with several things. This means I'm on medicine, which makes me very tired, unable to do a lot, and made me gain weight as a side-effect of the medication. I've always had issues with my self-esteem, weight, and relationship with food - thus, I spiralled for a while and, being as stubborn as I am, refused to get help when I was suffering mentally. I still need help, but I'm happier and feel healthier too! I've learned to accept myself as I am and to love how I look. There was a ton of internalized fatphobia that I hadn't realised existed, and I've since been working through that. I'm also very slowly becoming friends with food again. Wish me luck! You're all good for TW now! Read on!

𝙈𝙮 𝙃𝙖𝙞𝙧 I've been grappling with other parts of myself too. My hair is one of them. It's been very feminine my entire life, and thus I've grappled with the length of it. It's also, at the same time, been my only source of comfort - something I could control and do with as I pleased. I've since come to terms with myself in many ways, so I've chopped all my hair off! I know it might not be a big deal to most people, but it took a lot for me to do that and admit that my obsession with it was unnerving and unhealthy. Imagine a mini mullet. If you're a close friend, you've probably been bombarded with pictures of my hair, but I'll leave the rest up to the crowd's imagination!

𝗜𝗗𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗜𝗧𝗬

𝘼𝙣 𝘼𝙣𝙣𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 I'd like to very formally announce that I identify as genderfluid! For those who may support the LGBTQ community but don't quite know what the term means, I think WebMD sums it up pretty well for just a vague understanding: "Someone who is fluid -- also called gender fluid -- is a person whose gender identity (the gender they identify with most) is not fixed. It can change over time or from day to day." Usually, this will switch between he/him & they/them for me on a personal basis, so if we're ever having interactions and you're unsure, those are your best bet! 𝙈𝙮 𝙉𝙖𝙢𝙚 I'd also like to officially announce that my preferred name is Declan! This was decided after almost six months of thought. Ngl, there were a lot of sleepless nights, but here we are, and I'm very happy with who I've become! I don't intend to explain my decision. I've talked with my support system about my feelings enough for the life of me, but nevertheless, thank you for your support in advance!

𝗙𝗮𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻

𝙁𝙞𝙘𝙨 𝘾𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙎𝙤𝙤𝙣 A few fics are coming your way. I'll announce them here but will probably make a separate post too! Here's what's set to come out (note, no dates are listed as of this moment, I'm bad with dates, and I no longer want to make promises I can't keep):

Desperate For You - Seokjin x Reader - based on Desperate by Jonas Blue & Nina Nesbitt

take it and run - Taehyung x Reader - based on Friends by Chase Atlantic

Fallin' Without Caution - Namjoon x Reader - based on People Watching by Conan Gray

checkmate - Yoongi x Reader - based on Lost The Breakup by Maisie Peters

I have about 31 requests (I counted, holy shit) to get through, so I'll also complete those. I know it's been over a year, but I appreciate the unending patience!

#life update #update #bts fanfics #bts fanfic #coming soon

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mllemouse · 2 years

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2022 holiday card

hi friends.

I've been feeling like i can approach tumblr from a healthier perspective lately, so

i thought I'd write you my version of like those family newsletters you get in holiday cards to keep everyone in the loop.

Uh, TW for like terrible mental health issues and sexual assault.

I last posted in October 2021, so to cover that bit as well...

that month i set my hair on fire over my stove and had to cut it up to my chest to get rid of all the singed bits. I was sad that my long long hair was gone, so I had my coworker shave me a raddddd undercut

In November 2021 i started seeing a few therapists after spending almost the entire year trying to get started with one and increasingly relying on friends and crisis lines to keep myself here. I settled on one therapist i really liked and still see him weekly.

In December, my coworker began sexually harassing me. It's still an issue and I no longer work with him one on one. Its brought up a lot of past trauma. My mum came to pick me up and bring me home for Christmas, but instead got COVID and had to quarantine in my studio apartment with me for three weeks. I didn't get COVID, but between that and the coworker stuff, i felt pretty traumatized by January. Thank God i got the therapist thing covered in november.

In January one of my coworkers quit, leading to a mass exodus over the course of the year. I'm so proud of my coworkers for pursuing new positions and getting out of this poorly run organization. My visa renewal application also began in January and was approved a few weeks ago, meaning i can stay in the country until 2025! And my employer has agreed to sponsor my green card app, after which I too am outta this place. I've learned a lot about distancing myself from work when the situation is so far from ideal. I also opened up to my closest coworkers about being queer, my history with sexual assault, and what had happened with our coworker in December (which continued into January), and we came up with a safety plan, plus i felt a lot closer to them.

in March i was still really struggling and my therapist recommended medication. I got a wonderful psychiatrist who gently introduced me to the appropriate drugs, not so gently introduced me to the pathological understanding of my mental illnesses. The first week I was on meds my best friend from undergrad came to visit for a week and we saw Tame Impala, which was incredible. Plus did a whole bunch of other fun stuff. I hadn't seen her since like... 2018? Despite the side effects of meds, being upset over my clinical evaluation, and overwhelmed at getting back into like going out in public and doing things, being able to wake up without immediately feeling suicidal was a huge relief.

April I went to Philadelphia TWICE in two weeks. Once to cheer J on in a half marathon and then with my coworker to a conference and sightseeing. I had really wonderful visits and can't believe I had never visited before then!!!

In May, my best friend from grad school and I rode the five boro bike tour. I made a goal at the beginning of the year to ride across the Tappan Zee Bridge and back, which is over 100km (aka a century ride) from my house. This was supposed to be one of my big rides to gear up for the century. This ride was not as fun as 2021, there were so many people and dangerous casual riders on the route, then we spent four and a half hours trying to get home cause the ferries we're overwhelmed. I had fun with my friend but I'm not so sure about next year.

In June i visited J's beach house after a gruelling exhibition schedule through May and June. i had a lovely time until i had a meltdown on the third day. I went to the beach in a binder for the first time and decided to just wear my board shorts instead of taking them off to swim, which was nice. J and our other friend began using they/them pronouns and my nicknames L and LG when they were talking with me in person, and it was super heartwarming and exciting to experience. It made me feel very special.

In July, i had my first appointment for HRT. They prescribed me testosterone right away, but it took around a month to get a response from my insurance, which denied the claim. I was crazy busy at work from August to the end of September and things really fell apart for me. I hired C as my freelancer to help on the exhibition be sure now there was so more staff left, which went really well. However, i stopped taking my meds and all of my good habits fell to the wayside.

In August i went back to Canada to photograph my uncle's wedding WITH COVID. My mum insisted that i travel even though I was sick and then didn't let me stay home for the wedding, because they had asked me to photograph it. It was really uncomfortable, but they were happy i got their wedding photos. Although, i still have not found time to edit and send them. Ugh.

In September i completed a 75 mile (100+ km) ride, meeting my goal of doing a century, but it wasn't to the bridge! i did it alone and it made me super depressed during and after the ride. I'm still evaluating what i want my relationship with cycling to be now, cause long rides by myself aren't really conducive to good feelings for me rn.

when the show at work opened in October, i went to J's parents' house for a Canadian thanksgiving/harvest feast weekend, met their dog, sister, and parents, and had ANOTHER meltdown. They told me they were dating someone--and it was incredibly upsetting, but i didn't know how to bring up my feelings about this. After my month off meds, i was a mess again. After this weekend though, i opened up to many more people because I felt like I needed to extend my support network.

I came out as trans to all my friends and close coworkers (mostly now former coworkers) in the city, let them know I use gender neutral pronouns, that I enjoy my nicknames, and that I was beginning HRT. I went to the pharmacy and got my prescription filled even though I had to pay out of pocket. I started testosterone on October 14th!! I cannot overstate how incredibly important this was to me. It felt like the most meaningful thing I've done for myself in my life. Coming out to people who i knew were safe helped me feel closer to them, and almost everyone was amazingly supportive about hrt.

In October i ALSO officiated my best friends' wedding. It was incredible, and really one of the best days of my life. Everyone in attendance was lovely. My speech and their vows went swimmingly. Everyone had so much fun and enjoyed ourselves into the early hours of the morning. My friends have the most wonderful community of people around them and I'm so glad I'm a part of their lives.

In November I got a new psychiatrist after my old one left the practice. She's ok, and urged me to get a primary care doc to begin keeping track of my blood work, so I'm building momentum for care in the new year. I scheduled an appt with a PCP at a queer-focused clinic in January. after a real scheduling snafu i got a follow up appointment for HRT in mid-December. I ended up missing two weeks of T because of this, which triggered a massive horrible period the day after my birthday. I missed two days of birthday celebrations, but the night out i did have with friends was pretty fun. Idk, i have mixed feelings about it.

things came to a head with J a couple weeks ago where they asked if I had romantic feelings for them, and when i affirmed that, they rejected me before i could say i didn't want to discuss it cause I couldn't handle the rejection in a healthy way. We haven't spoken since and I've been in a pretty bad place despite sticking to meds. However, I've been working through this stuff with my therapist since the incident in October and idk... learning about how fucked up i am is tough. I'm really sad about it all and still figuring out how to move forward.

I also tried to go to Canada for Christmas and couldn't because of the blizzard in buffalo, so I spent the holidays in my house again. at least my mum wasn't here this time.

I've been a little suicidal over the last couple of weeks even though I'm on meds, and only skipped a day recently. I skipped a few days right after the stuff with J happened and ended up going into withdrawal pretty bad, so I learned that lesson. So idk. I'm still trying to muddle through.

To end on a positive note, this morning i noticed that the hair around my belly button, the kind that like makes you the line down the centre of your torso, is getting darker. I feel a little bit scared but also excited. I love a lil bit of tummy fuzz and find it endearing that i can have some for myself. I've also gotten a bit more muscular just from the furniture lifting I do at work, and a few weeks ago I did planks for the first time without any shoulder pain since I injured it in 2012. I've picked a gym in my neighborhood to sign up for when i can get motivated to leave the house and return to strength training. One of the best things about being on T so far has been that it has virtually erased my chronic low body temp and reynauds symptoms, and is supposed to help alleviate my anemia, easy bruising, and PMS/PMDD (which have all been weakened but not yet eliminated). Like all this shit I've been told just sucks and I have to deal with is just disappearing. So eventually i can just be like, a person without symptoms of these conditions?!

Also, Fred and George are sliving. I found shelves on the street for them to climb way up high, and I started feeding the birds and squirrels from the windowsill. They love bouncing around the room and watching the backyard happenings.

I'm not sure I'm hopeful about the future yet cause things are still really hard, but I'm at least learning how to begin living on my own terms.

Fred

George

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