#If you have other awkward experiences from navigating the gay scene

[transform4u]

I’m a up and coming gay college freshman, definitely more focused on the academic end of things. any chance I could have a real straight bro’s college experience?

You stand in front of your dorm room mirror, adjusting your outfit for the night. It's not just any party—you're getting ready for Alistair's party, the only other guy as smart as you, yet also your longtime rival. The rivalry goes back to high school where you competed fiercely for top grades, and Alistair never quite forgave you for being valedictorian. You'd hoped attending a top university would keep you apart, but fate had other plans. Now, you share nearly every class and club, constantly crossing paths in classes, dorms, cafeterias, and even at GSA meetings.

High school rumors painted you and Alistair as boyfriends, a hilarious misconception given your rivalry. You were the charming, kind geek with a hidden cuteness, while Alistair was awkward, intensely bookish, and secretly jealous of your easy charm and looks. He was deeply into Star Wars, whereas you had every episode of Doctor Who on DVD and even dressed as the 14th Doctor last year.

Tonight, you had hoped Alistair's party invitation signaled a truce, a chance to bury the hatchet and start fresh. But stepping into his dimly lit dorm room, bathed in red lights and adorned with an emo witchy goth aesthetic, you feel a strange tension in the air. Tacky Star Wars posters clash with shirtless pin-ups of Tom Holland and Chris Evans, and Alistair's black-rimmed glasses give him an intense, cat-like gaze.

"Welcome," he greets you with a coy smile, handing you a drink. You cautiously sniff it—it seems fine. "We should probably pregame a bit, right? To putting the past behind us! To starting a new!" he says cheerfully, raising his glass. Little did you know how true those words would ring.

As you sip the drink, a peculiar sensation washes over you. Your head spins, and you glance down to see yourself standing inside a pentagram marked on the floor. Candles around it flicker to life, and Alistair begins chanting in a low, resonant voice.

"By the magic that shapes the soul and bends the will, I transform my rival with a potent skill. From intellect to muscle, from wit to brawn, Make him the jock he'd sneer upon."

Energy pulses through your body as Alistair continues, his words weaving a spell that seems to twist reality itself.

"Let his speech be all about the game, His thoughts as shallow as his fame. Turn his interests, twist his mind, Let ignorance and swagger bind."

You struggle to protest, to break free from the enchantment that grips you, but it's futile.

"By the moon and stars above, Grant me this spell, my deepest love. To teach a lesson, change the scene."

In an instant, darkness envelops you.

When you regain your senses, you find yourself amidst a lively, bustling party. Music thumps loudly, and colorful lights dance across the room. Confusion grips you—something is definitely different, but you can't quite grasp it. People around you seem to regard you differently, and you feel a newfound confidence, a swagger in your step that's both thrilling and disconcerting.

Alistair stands nearby, watching you with an inscrutable expression. There's a flicker of understanding between you, amidst the chaos of the party. Whatever spell he cast has altered the fabric of your being, and tonight will unfold a new chapter in your rivalry—one that promises revelations and challenges you never anticipated. As you navigate the party, you know one thing for certain: this night will change everything between you and Alistair.

As Alistair watches, a sly grin spreads across your face, almost instinctively. The music of the party pulsates around you, but your mind feels like it's in a haze, memories of computational thinking and Doctor Who episodes slipping away like sand through your fingers. Instead, they are replaced with vivid recollections of football matches watched with your old man, and hours spent cheering on WWE wrestlers.

An energy pulses through your body, causing a throbbing sensation in your head. You reach up to rub your temples, only to find that your dorky glasses slip from your face and clatter to the ground, unnoticed. As you stare down at your hands, you feel a strange shift occurring within you.

Your once-boyish charm and baby fat seem to melt away, leaving behind a face that is a stark contrast to the one you once knew. It's a study in blunt masculinity and exaggerated features, reminiscent of a bulldog's rugged charm. Your forehead, broad and unyielding, slopes down to meet a pronounced brow ridge that casts a perpetual shadow over your steel-blue eyes, now narrowed with skepticism.

Your nose, once straight and strong, bears the signs of numerous fractures, giving it a slightly crooked and pugnacious appearance. Lips that were once gentle and unassuming now twist into a cocksure smirk or a disdainful sneer, revealing teeth that gleam too perfectly.

Your jawline, heavy-set and sharply descending, ends in a squared-off chin that juts forward with an almost confrontational air, adorned with a perpetual chinstrap. Cheeks that were once flushed with excitement over intellectual pursuits now speak of nights spent in rowdy frat parties and on the football field, basking in the adulation of peers.

As your face sets into this new mold, new memories flood your mind, pushing out the remnants of your old life. You recall the rush of adrenaline during football matches, the horsing around with your teammates, and the cheers of the crowd. Thoughts of wrestling matches and late-night parties become clearer, overshadowing any trace of your former nerdy pursuits.

As you stare down at your skinny, twinky body, an unnatural rage begins to well up inside you. Standing at barely 5'6" and 110 pounds soaking wet, you've always felt inadequate, especially when compared to the jocks and athletes around you. The feeling of frustration and insignificance intensifies as you feel a strange twitching sensation in your muscles, almost as if they are awakening from a long slumber.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly at first, your body begins to change. You feel a surge of energy coursing through your veins, igniting a transformation that defies logic and reason. Inch by inch, you grow taller, your frame expanding into something imposing and solidly built. Soon, you stand tall at around 6 feet 3 inches, your once-slender physique replaced by broad shoulders that taper down to a narrow, muscular waist.

Your chest swells into a barrel-like mass of muscle, proudly displaying well-defined pectorals that ripple with each movement. Thick, sinewy arms hang by your sides, adorned with veins that trace their way over bulging biceps and forearms hardened by countless repetitions of weightlifting and grappling.

Your neck becomes thick and sturdy, supporting a square jawline that hints at your stubborn determination and competitive spirit. Despite your newfound size, there's a grace in the way you move—a controlled athleticism honed through years of wrestling and football practice. Your legs, now like tree trunks, showcase the explosive strength necessary for dominating on the wrestling mat or breaking through defensive lines on the football field.

Weathered and bronzed skin, bearing the occasional scar or bruise earned in the heat of competition, tells stories of your journey through physical challenges. Tattoos, often tribal or school insignias, adorn your arms and chest, marking your allegiance to team and fraternity. Off the field, your posture exudes confidence—a relaxed but assertive stance that speaks volumes of your status among peers.

Alistair bursts into laughter as he witnesses the drastic transformation you've undergone. The disbelief and amusement are palpable in his expression, but you ignore his reaction. Instead, you grunt at him with a newfound confidence, "Yo nerd, get me a beer."

Alistair, caught off guard but amused by the situation, quickly conjures another enchanted beer. You take a swig, and as the enchanted liquid flows down your throat, you feel your mind growing duller and dumber. Memories of late-night study sessions and intellectual debates fade away, replaced by images of rowdy frat parties, cheering crowds, and the adrenaline rush of competitive sports.

Compassion and empathy seem to smolder and fade, overshadowed by a growing sense of arrogance and entitlement. As you revel in this new persona, you realize that tonight marks a significant shift in your life. The rivalry with Alistair has taken on a new dimension—one where physical strength and social status reign supreme.

You see a keg out the corner of your eye and rush to it. You feel a strange sensation as you start pumping the keg. With each pump, your intelligence seems to slip away like sand through your fingers. The rage builds up inside of you, consuming every ounce of compassion and empathy that once existed within you.

Your clothes begin to change as well, transforming from your usual smart attire into something more befitting a frat boy - loud and obnoxious garments that scream "party animal." Your personality shifts along with your appearance; what was once reserved becomes brash and aggressive.

The memories of Kevin Brady - the cute theatre twink who stole your heart at prom - fade away like dust in the wind. In their place is an image of some busty blonde bimbo cheerleader who now occupies that special spot in your mind where Kevin used to be. As if by magic, she materializes before you with her boobs jiggling seductively under her skimpy outfit while she smiles coyly at you over her shoulder

With each new pump comes another blow against everything that made up who you are: intellectually curious… artistically inclined… sensitive towards others' feelings… All these traits are lost as dullness sets in like molasses on a cold winter's day – replaced by mindless conformity and shallow pleasure-seeking behaviors characteristic only among straight frat boys.

As you pump the keg more, you start to smell the beer. Your nostrils flare and you feel yourself becoming deeply conservative. Republican and Southern values fill your mind as a gold cross forms around your neck.

Memories and beliefs form in your head - memories of going to church every Sunday with your old man, beliefs about traditional family values and hard work paying off. You remember how much fun it was playing football in high school, representing everything that's right about America: strength, determination, teamwork… all those things that make this country great!

Thoughts about the radical left begin to creep into your mind now too though - thoughts like "they're ruining our country" or "they want us all dependent on government handouts". But then again maybe they're just jealous because they don't have what we do: freedom! And if anyone tries taking away our freedoms? Well then we'll show them who really runs this place… won't we now?

As you continue pumping the keg, memories begin to form in your mind - memories of fucking the dumb cheerleader bitch in the back of a limo. A cocky grin grows on your face at the thought of it.

Suddenly, Alistair is there, looking at you with disdain. "Watch you looking at faggot," you holler at him, and something strange happens - his clothes become tighter, his face cuter… unnaturally so. He looks and talks like a total faggot now!

"You're such a big bully!" Alistair lisps as he cowers before you. You can't help but laugh maniacally as he whimpers pathetically under your gaze. "You're just jealous," you shout back at him while tugging on your own cock for emphasis, "you're not packing like a real man."

Alistair continues to act more like a fag throughout the party as it grows louder and straighter around you - all jocks and bimbo sluts now dominate this scene that was once filled with diversity (or so it seemed). "Why don't you hang out with your loser queer friends in the theatre Alistair!"

Without hesitation or remorse whatsoever (because why would there be any?), you pull up Alistair's tight thong until he screams bloody murder while everyone else laughs hysterically along with you because let's face it: life is just too short not to enjoy ourselves sometimes right?

You remember getting to college on a football scholarship. You're big, strong, and obnoxious - just the way they wanted their players to be. Your fellow bros and you get fucking wasted every chance you get, doing shots and keg stands until the early hours of the morning.

As the beer fuels your every move, you spot a hot chick with huge tits walking by.

"Dude," one of your bros says as he enters the room, "did you fucking do her?" He laughs heartily at his own joke while slapping your back - an action that only makes you feel more nauseous than before.

"Yeah man," another adds, "she was totally into you! Said she wanted it rough." They all laugh again… but there's something different about their laughter this time around: it holds an edge of envy mixed with disbelief – almost as if they couldn't quite wrap their heads around how lucky you always were or maybe they just didn't want to admit deep down inside that deep down inside what really happened was something none of them would ever admit out loud: jealousy.

You spot the hot chick with huge tits from last night at the party, and she walks over to you. "Hey there stud," she says in a seductive voice. "Remember me?"

You grin cockily at her. "Of course I do, babe. You were the one who couldn't get enough of my dick last night."

She giggles like a schoolgirl and flips her hair over her shoulder. "Yeah, that's right! I just can't get enough of big strong men like you."

You take another swig of your beer and wink at her suggestively. "Well, lucky for you then isn't it?"

She steps closer to you so that their breasts are practically touching your chest through their tight clothes as she whispers in your ear: "Do me again tonight baby."

Your eyes widen slightly at this unexpected turn of events - not because it turns out this girl actually wanted more than just one night with someone like yourself but rather because deep down inside… well let's face it: even someone as obnoxious and brutish as yourself has his limits when it comes to how far he can push things without consequences coming back around sooner or later.

You flirt with the hot chick, feeling her up under the table where no one can see. Your bros egg you on from across the room, cheering you on as they clink their beer bottles together in anticipation of what's about to happen next.

Without a second thought, you stand up and pull her by the hand towards an empty bedroom nearby. The door slams shut behind you as everyone outside watches intently through narrowed eyes - waiting for that telltale moan or groan that signals something truly special is taking place within those four walls right now…

Inside, she kneels down in front of your pants unzipping them quickly before taking out your already erect cock which she begins sucking eagerly while running her hands over your muscular frame like it was some sort of prize-winning sculpture come to life right before her very eye. "Oh...Oh...Caleb....you're so fucking hot" she moans

You flex your huge biceps in the mirror as you face fuck this dumb slut, watching yourself with pride. Your ego grows larger by the second, swelling to unimaginable proportions as it becomes increasingly clear that there's nothing or no one who can stand up to you now.

Your mind is barely the size of a pea these days… but who needs brains when you have brute force? Sex and football. Beer and bros. Chicks and thinking with your dick… that's all that matters anymore anyway! You grab fistfuls full of hair and guide her head back and forth along your shaft faster than ever before until finally reaching climax inside her mouth – filling it with thick ropes upon ropes worth every last drop until there's nothing left but satisfaction written all over both your faces.

You're young, dumb, and repeating freshman year for the third time now - but who cares? Not Caleb! All he knows is how to party hard while maintaining his reputation as being one helluva stud among his peers (and maybe even beyond)… so why bother trying anything new when what works keeps working just fine.

[losersroom]

could u directors cut the conversation of gay90s where it's like "I’ve been thinking about April. You know, before I left." to "“Absolutely,” says Brock, who has never understood anything less in his life"....whatever pieces of that that u want to!! i just love that conversation and would love to hear ur behind the scenes!!!!

GOD so like. alright that whole fic grew out of a conversation me and g were having Forever ago about this post, particularly the second point. and i was like, oh hey, that reminds me of this story i wanted to write about brock going to the gay 90's. and then i sat on it for like two more months.

so the important thing to take away from this is that it was only ever supposed to be that first part, where brock and jonas run into each other and then jonas sucks him off and they kind of subtly agree to not talk about it, the end. but like, i am at heart a gigantic sap and i wrote up to there and realized i couldn't leave it on the final line of. it can never happen again. because i too have been gay and closeted and sad about it, and i didnt want to give all that to brock.

(the other thing, which you didn't ask about but here it is, is like. a lot of these thoughts and attitudes i gave brock in that fic were just... how i felt, about myself and queerness and everything, at age 21/22, born and raised in the midwest. and like obviously i grew up and got over it and i'm extremely queer and trans and married now, and i want to think, hey, in this universe i'm constructing, it can get better for brock, too. we just have to get him there.)

anyway i had to then construct like. a narrative throughline from blowjobs to some sort of mutual understanding. ive said this before but i always think it's fun in these things to like, present brock's opinions and perspective and expectations and just pepper in around the edges hints of what jonas is actually thinking and feeling and doing, which. doesn't always line up. and then make people guess what's going on in his head, same way as brock is guessing. what i HOPE people took from that scene is that, you know, that whole summer brock spent thinking about jonas, jonas was thinking about him, too. trying to work out in his head if brock being there was a one-time thing or if there's an opportunity to have something more. and i DONT want to get into whether or not i think jonas actually has a history in this continuity with any of the people that brock imagines he might, because i think it's more fun to leave people room to draw their own conclusions, but he definitely has more experience with Being Queer In The NHL than brock does, and navigating that world, and being just. careful about it. exercising caution. he might want to mess around with brock again, but he has to approach it with discretion, you know, in case brock... Isn't into that. (but in my heart, because i'm me, i also like to think that jonas is interested because it's brock, not just because he's there and potentially the only one of their teammates available. u know. in my heart everybody's in love, im a romantic, i can't help it.)

so that scene was just intended as like. connective tissue. but it wound up being my favorite part of the entire fic lol. just the... palpable awkwardness of trying to figure out if a guy is interested in you. being on the same page without really being on the same page. and then jonas choosing to just hang out awkwardly and watch a terrible movie at 2 am with brock not just because he cant think of another way to extract himself from the situation now that its clear theyre not going to fuck, but because he sincerely likes spending time with this idiot, lmao. that's Real. that's a move i would have done, when i was dating.

[izzyrmiller]

I Watched “My Mad Fat Diary” For the First Time and it Uncovered Memories From my Teenage Years

Last week, I watched the 2013 E4 British teen comedy TV series, “My Mad Fat Diary”. It was my first time watching the show despite many of my friends hyping it up, often in shock when I told them I hadn’t seen it before.

It was added to Netflix this month, scoring a place in the “Popular” category. Considering I had finished watching the new series of “You” and felt maybe it was time to stray away from re-watching my comfort show, (cue “I’ll be there for you” by the Rembrandts), I decided to give MMFD a watch.

I absolutely loved every second of it. It’s the kind of show that has you in fits of laughter one second and reaching for the Kleenex the next. The show has flowing storylines that make for great binge watching and features actors such as the ever-brilliant Jodie Comer and talented directors including BAFTA winning Tim Kirkby.

The reason the show resonated with me so much was because the protagonist, Rae Earl, reminded me so much of my teenage self.

Rae Earl is not fictitious. She is a writer and broadcaster who wrote the book “My Fat Mad Teenage Diary” in 2007, which later became the very show I find myself fangirling over today. In the show, Rae is portrayed by Glaswegian actress Sharon Rooney. When we meet Rae, she’s just been discharged from a psychiatric hospital in Lincolnshire in the mid 90’s. Rae is 16 years old, tall, awkward and weighs 16 stone. She’s also funny, bright, obsessed with music and boy crazy.

The show follows Rae as she navigates the already hectic and often difficult life of a 16-year-old girl. It tackles issues of mental health, bullying, sexual assault, body dysmorphia and difficult relationships.

Whilst I was watching the show, I found myself reflecting on my own experiences as a teenager.

I, like Rae, was lucky enough to have a strong group of friends around me growing up. However, I too was tall, awkward, and about 3 dress sizes bigger than my most of female friends.

Scenes including the absolute dread that Rae feels when invited to a pool party, the fears she has about eating in front of others and the scary prospect of getting undressed in front of her love interest Finn, played by Nico Mirallegro, all mirrored experiences I had growing up.

What is great about MMFD is that it portrays an extremely accurate portrayal of mental illness, not just regarding Rae but the other characters as well. Chloe, played by Jodie Comer, deals with traumas such as abortion and domestic abuse. Dan Cohen plays Archie, originally a love interest of Rae’s who is struggling with his sexuality. Archie comes out as gay and is victim to homophobia at college.

Even the adults in the show are used to portray life’s difficulties. Rae’s mum, Linda, who is played by the brilliant Claire Rushbrook, struggles with parenting her complicated daughter. She marries her Tunisian boyfriend Karim who is an undocumented immigrant and wrestles with her daughter’s lack of acceptance for him and determination to meet her real father. Ian Hart plays Kester Gill, Rae’s therapist who aids in helping Rae overcome her mental health issues whilst secretly dealing with a divorce.

At its core, coming of age shows such as MMFD will forever be important. They remind us that life is not perfect and that we are not alone in our struggles. Part of me wonders if I had of watched this show when I was 16, I would have felt comforted that there was a female protagonist on TV that echoed my struggles as a teen. Sure, we had Skins and Glee that did their part in representing those who didn’t fit the status quo but shows like MMFD provide an authentic yet often disregarded school experience for so many.

In the finale of MMFD, Rae is on her way to uni, she’s mentally stronger, braver, and ready for a new chapter of her life. I hope for more shows like this that empower young people and help them recognise their true potential, despite their insecurities and issues with their mental health

[deanie1987]

I know that some people had a problem with the Ian in the gym scene, but my take on it is that it was to show the contrast between what Ian was experiencing on the West Side and what Mickey was experiencing. Ian takes advantage of the amenities (sees the positives), enjoys the pool, meets at least one nice neighbor, goes to the gym and sees a hot guy. All pluses despite a bit of awkwardness as he navigates the new environment.

Mickey, on the other hand, has trouble sleeping due to the quiet and has one bad experience with the apartment manager after another. He was unsure from the start and nothing that he experienced changed his mind. He did enjoy the pool previously (and found a nice shirt) but that wasn't enough to make him feel comfortable or that it was worth it. Both views are valid and I think both experiences were very in character for both of them.

Now, were there ways of getting this point of contrast across without involving Ian checking out a hot guy working out next to him? Of course, but you know, the gays are always horny. *insert massive eyeroll." And for the record, I'm married and I enjoy checking out hot people as well. My heart may be spoken for but I do have eyes.

[peterstanslizzie]

Reacting To: Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts (Season 2 Episode 7)

Episode Title: Benson and the Beast

Spoiler Warning: Kindly proceed if you’ve already seen the episode or are able to handle spoilers.

1. The past few episodes have been starting out with flashbacks huh? Well, this episode is no exception; We travel back one year into the past and we see Benson climbing down into a deep den with baby Dave in his backpack. He’s there because he wants to get his cassette player back from two giant bat mutes. However, they catch him red-handed and tell Benson they need the player to build an alien communicator to reach out to the aliens. 

2. Baby Dave then molts rapidly across one entire cycle and stops at his toddler stage. This makes the bats think that he’s an alien. Why are they so sure that he is though? Lol. So afterwards, Benson and Dave were able to escape with his cassette player. 

3. We are now in present times and it picks up where things left off last episode; Full Mega Jaguar Kipo is chasing after Scarlemagne who has her mother, Song aka the Mega Monkey under his mind control. One of the Nobles tries to shoot Kipo with an arrow but he gets taken down by the three scientists with a paralyzing dart. 

4. Kipo goes on to attack them and Dr. Emilia retaliates by shooting the darts at her. Luckily, she’s stopped by Wolf and Benson then tries to calm Kipo down and remind her who she is by showing her, her family photo. However, Zane points his arrow at Kipo, which startles her and accidentally bumps Benson to the ground in the process. He tries again one more time and Kipo manages to turn back into a human. Wow, that sure was suspenseful!

5. The scientists immediately recognize she’s Lio and Song’s child (I think) and they try to act like they know nothing about her parents. I think they are gonna try to kidnap Kipo themselves to experiment on her. They claim to be part of the human resistance that’s against Scarlemagne and they plan to wait till the Noble whom they just took out snaps out of his mind control state in order to extract information about Scarlemagne’s plans. 

6. It looks like Benson has dislocated his shoulder; Poor thing! Dr. Emilia tries to trick them into following them back to their headquarters but Wolf is highly suspicious of them. We also know that the scientists were actually looking for Kipo for 13 years! Okay, so they definitely know she’s Lio and Oak’s daughter. Also, they secretly plan to use Kipo as their weapon and dispose of her afterwards. Yikes! That’s evil! Anyways, despite still having reservations about them, Kipo and the others agree to follow them because they really need for Benson to get medical help. 

7. Another flashback!; This time, we go back to the time when Song decided to stay back to answer the knock on her and Lio’s apartment door. As I’ve predicted, the same scientists were the ones behind the door. Song opens it and Dr. Emilia immediately calls her out for lying to them about being able to isolate the mutagen. 

8. If I’m not wrong. there’s two sides here. The first side, which Song and Lio belong to are the ones who want humans and mutes to live in harmony with one another and that’s by genetically modifying humans to become half-mutes in order to survive on the surface world. And as for the other side, which the scientists belong to, they just want to take mutes down and turn them back into animals so that humans can go back to being the dominant race again. 

9. Dr. Emilia tells Song that she’s going to find Kipo and take her away; Song tries to resist them but accidentally falls off the balcony. Luckily, she transforms into the Mega Monkey just in time. That was a cool scene I must say. 

10. Back at the scientists’ HQ, Dr. Emilia is able to fix Benson’s dislocated shoulder. She then gives them a tour of their offices and we see more scientists busy working on plans to rescue the mind-controlled humans in Aurum and they have a tunnel that can take them there. We also get introduced to some of the things they’ve created to use against the mutes like a pheromone proof room and their Sonic Emitter, which emits sound waves that can only bother mutes. 

11. However, the sonic waves unknowingly wakes up the two mute bats. Are these bats supposed to be good or bad? We discover later on that the mind-controlled human they managed to capture is actually Troy’s dad, Roberto! Finally! After 6 episodes, we get a mention of Troy again. I miss him. And so does Benson hehe. Lol, look at Dr. Emilia’s face in this picture. 

12. Dr. Emilia now wants to train Kipo to control her powers and Benson wants to come along since she needs her anchor. Before leaving, he asks Wolf if she could make him look good in front of Troy’s dad. LOL! He still gotta impress his boo’s dad even during a time of crisis. Well, he still has a date set with Troy after all! I hope we get to see this date by the end of the season!

13. During the training, Kipo is finding it difficult to go back into her full jaguar form again. By the way, Dr. Emilia is INTENSE! Benson tries to talk to Kipo to figure out where her head’s at and Kipo tells him she’s afraid of hurting him or anyone again. Well, that’s a valid fear to have.

14. Meanwhile, Wolf is re-telling the story about how Benson and Troy had set up their date to Dave. Suddenly, Roberto wakes up and Wolf explains to him what happened, including letting him know that Troy is safe with the Timbercats, thanks to Benson. Roberts asks them who these people are to which they explain everything to the best of their ability lol.

15. I appreciate Dave for trying to talk Benson up to Roberto lol. I mean, that’s gonna be his future father-in-law. Zane and Greta discover that Roberto is awake and asks him to explain Scarlemagne’s plan during his future coronation; He reveals that Scarlemagne plans to gather all the humans in the arena to mind-control them. Benson, Kipo and Dr. Emilia joins them and Roberto tells Benson he’s impressed with the heroic things he didn’t do, thanks to Dave. 

16. Suddenly, the mute bats barge into the building and fortunately, they’re not evil/mind-controlled but they are really obsessed in trying to find that “alien communicator” they so desperately want. They (Geli and Jibralta) start rummaging through the place and attacking whomever in standing in their way. Kipo tries to stop them with her two jaguar arms but it’s not enough. 

17. Because Benson recognizes these two, he tries to lure them to him by telling them that the sonic emitter is the communicator. However, they think he is an alien whisperer and they grab hold of him and take him away. Aww, Dave is upset that Benson’s gone. Finally, Kipo is able to trigger her transformation into her full Jaguar form. 

18. The crazy bats take him to their den and ask Benson to use the “communicator” to make contact with the aliens. Kipo, the full jaguar then jumps into the burrow and starts to chase the bats. Wow and she’s giving them a beating for sure lol. As Kipo is about to attack them some more, Benson manages to calm her down by showing the family photo to her again. Phew! I’m glad that she’s able to transform back again because you know how some shows will try to make it more dramatic by not allowing its characters to do something for some random reason. 

19. But they still have to deal with Geli and Jibralta and it turns out, Kipo is able to transform back into a jaguar again without any problems, in order to scare them. Wow, I’m impressed; She’s getting good at this. Afterwards, Benson gets on top of Kipo and they head off. 

20. They reunite with the others and Kipo impressively turns back into her human form once again. She’s happy that she’s able to now control her powers and she’s confident in taking down Scarlemagne without hurting the humans. However, Dr. Emilia wants Kipo to use her powers to specifically take down the Mega Monkey. But Kipo doesn’t say anything. Why can’t she tell them that the monkey is her mom? It’s not like Kipo was given the impression that the scientists already knew of her or her family. 

21. Awkward moment alert! Roberto tells Benson that he should date Wolf because she’s been saying nice things about Benson to him. LOL! His plan backfired. Benson decides to tell the truth and Roberto immediately gets the hint and it seems like he would be happy for his son, Troy to be with Benson. Phew! For a minute there, I thought Roberto would be that homophobic parent we all hate tbh. But considering the fact that the show’s setting takes place very much in the distant future, I’d like to think that gay relationships would be much more normalized by then. 

22. Kipo is facing a dilemma because she might have to fight her own mom, who is mind-controlled. Benson, yet again, comes up with a plan to get Kipo and Roberto to sneak out in the middle of the night and Roberto navigating through the tunnels to get Kipo to reach the place where her mom is being kept. She goes up to the surface to immediately find her mom who is asleep but it looks like she’s tied to a giant tree? 

23. OMG look at that face; I just want to cry. Song wakes up and they share an emotional reunion. However, Kipo gets grabbed by a flamingo and is dropped onto an empty clearing in the forest.

24. She is then greeted by Scarlemagne and her mind-controlled father. So she has no other choice but to hold herself back from attacking. The episode then ends here. 

25. That’s the end of my review of episode 7. Thank you guys so much for having read my review/reaction. I really appreciate your support. Please check out my review of episode 8 for when it will be out tomorrow. Till then, bye!

[evakuality]

Episode seven of this ongoing series of mine: one in which I spend far too much time on one set of clips because the differences fascinated me too much.  The earlier episodes can be found here:

Episode one          Episode two          Episode three

Episode four          Episode five          Episode six

The guru talks in these two episodes are so interesting because they are very different.  First, the dynamic between each pair is quite distinct.  Eskild reassures Isak immediately that he’s ‘sick’ of hearing him apologise for what he said about being ‘gay gay’ and it’s clear that Isak has been angsting over this since it happened and getting on Eskild’s nerves with the depth of his apologies.  Then the teasing when Eskild works out that Isak wants some gay guruing is adorable, but Isak is unwilling to explicitly say ‘you’re my guru’ despite reluctantly agreeing to it in principle.  He’s ready to walk away from the conversation before doing that and Eskild knows when he’s gone too far and lets Isak talk.  Hans is a lot less welcoming when Matteo first shows up, though he does say he doesn’t need to apologise and Matteo says he wasn’t planning to.  At this point, Hans has been absent for a while and so this is probably their first meeting post-disastrous ‘gay gay’ talk.  That it’s so different to Isak’s shows just how different this dynamic is.  Matteo doesn’t feel a need to apologise which tends to suggest he doesn’t feel like what he said was ‘wrong’ the way Isak does.  And in fairness to him, Hans’s reaction was much less harsh than Eskild’s and there has been time to chill since they last saw each other.  Still.  It means the idea that Matteo is trying to figure stuff out rather than judging seems more likely.  Matteo is, however, much happier to tell Hans he’s his guru ‘if it makes you happy’ so each in his own way lets his guru know what he means to him and how valued he finds him.  It’s just that they have very different styles of doing that.  Isak needs to let Eskild know how sorry he is, while Matteo needs to make Hans feel accepted and happy.

The talk itself between Isak and Eskild is very hesitant and I think Isak already knows what Eskild will say, he just wants to talk about it a bit.  It is an awkward situation and Even is still very opaque at this point so trying to decipher meaning is hard for Isak who’s still navigating his first real experience with genuine emotions.  Eskild tells Isak that guys don’t often break up with girls to be with other guys, and yet that’s exactly what Matteo has done.  Isak’s been given a fairly explicit reminder that a long relationship isn’t easily ditched and is left just as unsatisfied as before.  Matteo, on the other hand, is told that David is probably not ready to come out (which is true but not in the way Hans means, but I digress).  And Matteo is given a course of action when he asks what he should do: wait for him to be ready to stand up for himself or give up on him.  It’s very definitive, unlike Eskild’s wishy washy attempt to make things clear.  Eskild is not very reassuring here and his guruing is hilariously awkward as he tries to say what he thinks but also tries not to upset Isak.  Bonus: saying he’s not God and so he doesn’t really know everything while he tries to be not too harsh.  

This segues nicely into Matteo’s version because his is entirely bound by church and religious activities.  Hans, who is preparing an Easter meal for them all, takes Matteo away and literally into a church to have this discussion.  He may not be God, but there’s a clear suggestion that God won’t judge harshly as they have this conversation literally under his roof.  This has a lot of relevance both to each character’s relationship with his mother, and also to his relationship with religion.  Isak has effectively rejected his mother’s religion and all the texts we see from her to this point are just religious.  Matteo gets religious texts from his mother, but they are also peppered with other things like best wishes for his exams.  Isak doesn’t see his mother anymore and is visibly irritated with her religion being foisted on him, whereas Matteo is much more sanguine and has a much closer relationship with his mother.  In fact, she expects that she might see him at church this day and while he fobs her off because ‘I have to study’ it’s clear that they have some contact outside of text messages about bible verses.  This means that for Matteo, having this chat here is comforting rather than scary as it might be for Isak, who is still unsure what his parents might think of him being gay and who isn’t really willing to use that descriptor for himself as yet.  To Isak, church is something he builds up to doing, where for Matteo it’s a familiar thing, maybe not actively preset in his life but not something to be wary of.  Matteo and Hans discuss something of the comfort you can get from religion and even indulge in some rituals before they leave.  There’s hope here, for Matteo, as he’s reminded that his mother is on medication and is feeling better and he hears about the steps Hans’s has taken.  It’s a strong suggestion that nothing is static and things may look bad, but they can improve.  He’s left in a much better position than Isak at the end of this conversation.

Another difference is how defeated Matteo looks before he goes to talk to Hans (which also emphasises how much he gets out of the conversation they end up having; it’s a much lighter matteo we see at the end than at the start).  He’s so sad, despite having had such a good talk with Jonas about all his stuff.  It hasn’t been enough to make him feel completely at ease because for him it was never about ‘will people accept who I am’ and more about wanting to feel something.  So his relief isn’t as immediate as Isak’s.  Not to say Isak is truly happy here, he’s clearly very worried/concerned about what’s happening with Even, but a lot of his issues were what Jonas would think and that’s been settled and so he’s a lot less caught up in the whole sad mess.  For this reason, we never see Isak destroy (or rather damage because it does come back later) any of the gifts/messages from Even the way Matteo does to David’s ‘it’s not you it’s me’ drawing.  That’s partly because Matteo is a more impulsive and aggressive character but also partly because the issues are/were different for him and so he’s still a maelstrom of emotion.  This only makes the end of this scene more poignant, of course, because for Matteo it’s the real start of healing.  For Isak that process was well underway with the Jonas talk.

This difference in what they were feeling carries through into the scenes with Sana and Amira.  Matteo’s in fact, combines two scenes between Isak and Sana and so hits with everything it has right in one go.  But even if they were split as Isak’s are, the tone is different.  Isak and Sana are in school and competing for who has the right answer.  Isak is in his element and doesn’t feel a need to make amends with her (mostly because he didn’t drive Sana away the way Matteo did with Amira), and so it’s much more casual than matteo who has set up a study zone and made sure to be prepared and to prove to Amira that he really does value her.  As Isak does with Sana but they show it in different ways.  Isak has intellectual battles with Sana, bouncing ideas off her and sparring with her about their work, proving that he values her brain and her abilities and they both clearly enjoy the debate.  Matteo shows with the way he carefully prepares everything that he’s taking Amira seriously and appreciates her help and effort.  There’s a lot more weight given to Vilde and her ‘are you gay? Yay I love gays’ message to Isak than Kiki’s to Matteo, because for Isak this is his nightmare: everyone finding out and facing once again that possibility of rejection.  The situation panics him a lot.  It becomes obvious as Isak questions her, that Sonja and Emma between them have been telling people and Isak can’t hide from it now.  He’s clearly stressed and anxious about it.  Matteo really doesn’t care if he’s outed in many ways: he’s ready and willing to shower the object of his affection with love and attention as publicly as he’s allowed to.  Having Kiki ‘support’ him this way is just irritating rather than anything that genuinely rattles him.  Having said that, he’s genuinely happy that Amira apologises (in her own roundabout unique way) for what she said about ‘genetic dead ends’ and he thanks her for her support.  Clearly, there are ways he welcomes support and there are ways he doesn’t (or maybe it’s just that he likes Amira and finds Kiki annoying at the best of times).  

The way they come out to the boys is fascinating too.  Isak is effectively forced into it because of the rumours at school which Magnus helpfully updates us and him on in the most oblivious sort of way and makes the whole thing that much harder for Isak, because now it’s ‘hilarious’ that he’s gay.  Matteo is asked about it by Carlos who has heard it through the rumour mill.  Its taken out of his hands a bit, but that doesn’t seem to worry him since he’s far more ready to be open about it already.  For him, the big thing now is whether he can get David back because he still stubbornly ‘can’t believe’ that David means he doesn’t want him (with good reason; it’s obvious they had something good).  We can hear Isak’s nerves in his voice and in the very long pause before he says ‘we had a thing’ whereas Matteo just seems to be stalling because he’s not sure how to say it, not because he’s scared to say it.  Isak is clearly taken aback when the boys starts arguing about bisexuality vs pansexuality as if he’d expected a bigger, weirder reaction, and he’s quick to reiterate for these boys just like he did for Eskild that he’s not ‘gay’ just because he likes Even.  Matteo shares an amused look with Jonas during this same conversation and in his case is very comfortable saying he ‘believes’ he’s gay.  He doesn’t have the same hangups about that side of things, which is becoming more and more clear.  He wants to be ‘normal’ (his word) and also ‘gay’ and wants to reconcile the two things, but he’s still willing to accept the label even with the perceptions that don’t seem to fit him.  The ‘point’ of Matteo’s meetup with the boys is for him to apologise for his behaviour the other day and to make it up and spend time with them so for him the question comes out of nowhere, and yet it doesn’t phase him and he’s not worried about it in the same way Isak is.

One scene that differs for Matteo here is the one where he starts cleaning up his act, literally.  It’s a lovely visual metaphor for his state of mind and how much better he’s feeling now, and it also reminds us of how he feels about David even now when he hasn’t seen him in so long and is basically clinging to hope rather than any real indication that he can salvage anything out of this relationship.  Of course this leads to his conversation with Sara which mirrors Isak’s with Emma later but goes into more depth and in which he has more to apologise for.  I think he makes the leap to Sara here because he knows he feels about David the way she potentially felt about him and so he knows he owes her something.  We see more of how much she means to him compared to the relatively more superficial version Isak does with Emma.  This is partly because Matteo was actually in a relationship with Sara vs Isak and his casual hookups with Emma which she read more into than he promised.  But it’s also partly down to their difference in personality.  Matteo’s caring side is much closer to the surface and he seems to want to shower those he loves with affection.  The biggest example of this is of course David, but it’s also true of others including Sara.  Isak’s caring is hidden behind his sarcasm and grumpy persona and I don’t think it’s a surprise that once he was feeling better with his boys his first reaction is to roast Magnus for having no game.  This is what he’s like when he’s feeling good  Matteo doesn’t do that sort of thing and never has.  Instead we see his genuine concern that Sara has been bottling up her worries about her father and his job.  Having learned for himself that it’s important to talk to people to keep yourself healthy and happy (ish), he offers her the same advice he got.

The drinking scenes with the boys where they coach Isak and Matteo through texting Even and David go mostly the same.  Both boys experience the support and caring of their friends, both talk about irrelevant things with them while they do so and both are talked into basically sending an ultimatum.  They’re both reconnected with these groups and feel welcomed and at ease with them.  The one big difference is the way they greet Even vs David at the door.  They’re both anxious and excited, which we can see in their body language, but Isak takes one look at Even and despite being told to be chill and distant and play hard to get he goes straight in for a kiss and then things progress very quickly from there.  Matteo takes one look at David and has no idea how to react at all.  They stare at each other awkwardly before falling into a hug it seems like they both need.  I think Matteo is still a little more vulnerable and fragile about things, which makes sense because he got a much harsher rejection earlier.  He’s not really in a spot where he’d be ready for sex, even if David was.

This was the last time the episodes really line up properly because the things that happen as we progress are so different and come from such different places that it’s going to be interesting to look at the ways the differences in the two of them affect how they react to what is coming.  There are still similarities, of course, but starting with David’s confession the timing and purpose of events really diverge.

Episode eight can be found here

[laureldiosa]

Daddy-Son tropes in cis gay culture t e r r i f y me

As someone who navigated the gay scene while still trying to figure out their gender and sexuality (both of which can still basically be summarized as ???????) I learned very very very very very quickly to avoid gay bars BECAUSE there always, ALWAYS much older gay men who would just kind of appear and immediately invade the personal space of any “cute young thing” they saw and start rubbing their back, chest, butt, face, etc. and start spilling compliments and shit like that on them. Happened to me several times and I still shudder and crave a shower when I think about it.

And what is so terrifying and unnerving about it is, that  literally is predatory behavior. It’s literally aggressively implanting yourself into someone’s personal space and trying to “soften them up” for a good time. I can’t tell you how many times I had some old dude touching up on me and asking if he could buy me a drink, and when I showed him the X’s on my hands he would practically drool and say something to the effect of, “Oooh, I keep forgetting how young you are!” as if it just turned him on even more. Glegh!

And thinking about things like that really opens up the door to all the reasons that gay men so often become overly obsessed about their Youthful(TM) Appearances and so quickly become USED to a lot of things like strange men touching them and just brushing it off cause, “It’s gonna happen, just let it happen.”

I won’t even go into all the things that come up if/when any of these guys find out you’re trans or nonbinary. I should probably stop ranting at nearly 5:30 in the morning anyways. But this was in my head, so you’re welcome.

[hoodlessmads]

Bloom Into You Chapter 41

…is maybe the literal cutest thing I’ve ever read.

I love how that teacher’s like, “What the hell were you doing in the student council room this late?” and they’re like, “Sorry, we just needed this key so we could go have our soapy love confession scene in there but you can have it back now.”

And they’re not quite full-on holding hands on the way home, but they’re just kinda

Just

Just kinda

Screaming.

The panel layout on the page where they’re both laying in bed awake thinking about each other is so lovely. How Yuu looks like she’s looking at Touko but she’s actually not because they’re in their own rooms but she actually is because they’re on the same page literally. And Touko’s adorable “that all just happened” expression as she’s holding her hand.

I find it interesting that as the manga has gone on and as the anime has gone into production and aired, the manga itself has begun to embrace those water themes more and more. Like, I don’t remember water being such a huge deal at the beginning of the manga, but it’s a highly prevalent visual motif in the anime. We see Yuu underwater when she feels distanced from her friends in the classroom, there’s underwater lighting at some points in the opening iirc, and this all comes to a head beautifully in the actual aquarium scene where they are underwater, with Touko looking up at the fish and stuff above them and Yuu leading Touko by the hand into the light, which she had previously felt so distant from. Anyway, it’s just nice how several of the past few chapter covers have featured Yuu underwater reaching toward the surface/the light, and this title talking about sea charts reminded me of that. I guess it’s meant to be like, she’s above water now. On the ocean, which is this whole new thing to navigate.

I love how Yuu comes skipping into school all pumped about her friends’ lives and literally anything at all because she’s in such a good mood and how shy she gets when asked if anything good happened, and the fact that she immediately took that charm out of the drawer and put it on her bag. Like, Yuu in this whole chapter is a whole ass “FINALLY” mood.

I love how the panel layout and our sense of time almost makes it look like Touko has been standing at the door to the classroom for a minute trying to gather the courage to face Sayaka the same way, as though things haven’t changed between them, or at least to face her at all. She goes in looking all determined, like she’s decided she’s going to say something to Sayaka because Sayaka deserves it and it’s only right, but then stops at “Good morning,” and doesn’t end up saying anything else, kind of chickens out, just looks over pensively wondering if she should say something, and if that’s not a Touko ass thing to do I don’t know what is lol. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s still brooding about what to say after school, trying to be all responsible, determined to be the liaison between friend and girlfriend. And meanwhile Yuu and Sayaka are as functional as ever and come to an understanding and reaffirm that they are best friends for life in like two seconds before Touko can even finish thinking about it. God, I adore Yuu and Sayaka’s friendship so much.

But the main point that the classroom scene got across for me was that things aren’t the same between Touko and Sayaka now. It’s awkward. It’s different. There’s a distance between them now that wasn’t there before. And while they will still be friends after this (for a while, if we believe the second light novel to be canon), this is definitely the beginning of them slowly drifting apart. I think it’s a good thing. Sayaka especially could use the opportunity to move on. Staying as close of friends as they were just wouldn’t be a healthy scenario for either of them, especially now that so many things have come to light that they previously kept secret from each other. As much as she does know her weaknesses and still love her, it still feels like there’s a part of Touko that Sayaka never really knew. They have both changed and grown so much since the beginning of the series, and the people they are now just aren’t as compatible as they once were, as friends or otherwise. I hope Sayaka comes to realize this sooner rather than later so that it can start hurting less.

Honestly this chapter filled my heart with fluffy cuteness like a water tank about to bust from too much pressure and I almost died from it, but that ONE panel with Sayaka’s face after she sees Yuu’s charm broke me. Nakatani is a master. That facial expression was just so raw. I hate to see her hurting like that. Sayaka is truly too good for this world. God, please future girlfriend, please love her well.

But Yuu and Sayaka’s friendship waters my crops. That cheek slap and stretch routine is a blatant gesture of unbridled affection disguised as fake irritation and you cannot convince me otherwise. This whole scene. Ugh, she’s so…nice?

Touko’s flustered reaction at seeing Yuu and Sayaka being such legitimately chill friends and having worked out all their issues while she was brooding and being anxious will never cease to amuse me. I love her, I try to defend Touko so much, but it’s scenes like this that prove once again that she’s actually just the yuri equivalent of a fuckboy, god bless her heart. I do adore her.

It’s been quite a while since we’ve seen disaster gay Nanami Touko so I was quite glad to see her make several appearances this chapter. They’re both trying so hard to be chill during the student council meeting but they both helplessly look up at each other at the same time. Or perhaps Yuu looks up helplessly and Touko is just dead ass staring at her, smitten. And Touko is so determined to type very important things afterwards. How is Nakatani so good at drawing cute ass snapshots of cute ass people? And I love how they’re…are ya’ll holding hands with your feet now? It’s adorable. Keep doing it.

Maki is that audience insert.

Same.

Doujima’s still completely oblivious that there are lesbians in this show.

So Yuu. I am always a huge sucker for when characters who are traditionally pretty unemotional get to a point where they’re so emotional that they can’t help but display that emotion in a way that’s uncharacteristic of how they’ve been up to this point, but for that reason is so incredibly satisfying to watch. It is so satisfying to see this adorable person that we’ve come to know and love finally get to this point. Yuu is honestly the best part of all of this fluff, by far. Talk about acting experience. This whole time, she’s worn the world’s greatest poker face, and now that she can finally let herself be the absolute gay mess she actually is, she’s just barely keeping it all in and it’s so adorable and gratifying. You wouldn’t have known this girl could get so red and flustered but damn if she isn’t and it is so fucking cute.

She’s so eager to finally say Touko’s name (with senpai), and in spite of how flustered and head over heels she is, she’s still the same functional and straightforward Yuu we’ve always known. She comes right out and tries to DTR within like an hour of having the initial thought. The response: “Girlfriends? I haven’t thought about it. I guess we are.” Touko, this is why you’re a meme.

And on the flip side of Yuu being so embarrassed, Touko’s all, “Stand aside, I’m Character Development Touko now. I’m not the flustered disaster lesbian you once knew. I’m Smooth Touko now. I’m the new and improved Kiss Your Tears Touko. I troll Yuu about saying my name and not the other way around. I’m smooth as hell now.” But then as soon as “Touko-senpai” comes out she’s just like “fuck.”

Their conversation about happiness at the end is really moving to me, because they’ve moved past the “ureshii” happiness they were talking about last chapter and they’re now talking “shiawase,” which specifically refers to lasting happiness. If that isn’t the deepest most romantic shit. I also feel like bringing up the way Yuu casually mentioned the idea of girlfriends living together at some point in the future and it was just kind of glossed over as if this girl is not already playing the long game with Touko and I’m crying inside. Because I genuinely believe they’ll get there and I always thought so, but this nod from canon is glorious. (You’ve been dating for one day, Yuu, chill.) But in all seriousness, Yuu, you absolute head over heels in love sap. This talk of girlfriends living together and this repeated mention of lasting happiness (has me feeling all types of ways) tells me where Yuu’s head is at. How serious her feelings actually are. Like, that’s marriage material, bitch. She’s that happy. I’m just…so happy for her.

I find it interesting that we haven’t really been in Touko’s head since she texted Yuu on the train in chapter whatever, and not since the confession scene last chapter. We’ve mostly been with Yuu ever since. Even that one classroom scene I would argue is more from Sayaka’s point of view. I hope next chapter we get a little more from Touko’s side. I have a feeling we’ll get something like a Touko-centric chapter at some point, as I feel her personal character arc and the whole thing with her sister still need some polishing off before we can bring the story to a close. But that’s just me.

In some ways, it’s a shame that there’s so few pages left before the end of the story. Yuu and Touko’s new relationship is completely uncharted territory for them now (not to unintentionally make a pun on the chapter title). That period of excitement and uncertainty at the beginning of a new relationship is always one of the most gratifying things to explore in a story for me, so I wish we had more time. There are so many interesting things to explore with this entire cast of characters that just won’t get explored, simply because of time constraints. Still, the flip side is that ending it here in volume 8 will give Bloom Into You the succinct, satisfying conclusion it deserves to a well-structured, well-paced arc, with absolutely no excess anywhere in sight. Bloom Into You is such a brilliant exercise in telling a complete, engaging story while trimming all the fat. Some romance stories can end up feeling bloated in terms of pacing and structure, but I have a feeling this is going to be just perfect. (Unless Nakatani Nio, actual manga genius and icon, somehow manages to fuck it up. Not likely.)

Once again, I’m excited to see where Nakatani takes us and the characters next. I can’t wait to see certain characters’ reactions to the new relationship, like Akari, Koyomi, and Rei. And god, I would love to see more of Yuu and Touko navigating this new relationship, what it means, what the rules are, how they define it to themselves and others. Basically, I just want to know what happens next. Is that too much to ask? Can’t I just know what happens next? God damn it.

[jmsa1287]

Best Films of 2018

This list may seem a few months late but I consider the movie season to stretch from January through February of the following year — or until after the Academy Awards ceremony is held. This usually overlaps with the slate of new films debuting at Sundance and other early festivals but that's just the way Hollywood works; awards season is truly never over.

Though movie studios are still focusing on superhero blockbusters and films based on existing intellectual property, 2018 offered a number of original gems among some bona fide hits. Films like the atmospheric sci-fi thriller "Annihilation" and Maggie Gyllenhaal's tour de force of a performance in "The Kindergarten Teacher" just missed my top 10 of 2018. While most of the movies in my list didn't make much of a splash at the box office, they each have a distinct point of view, tone and push the boundaries of what moviemaking can be. From a film shot entirely on an iPhone to a touching story about queer friendship, 2018 was a diverse and solid year for film.

Below are my top 20 favorite movies of 2018.

20. “Burning,” Lee Chang-dong

19. “Happy as Lazzaro,” Alice Rohrwacher

18. “The House that Jack Built,” Lars von Trier

17. “Juliet, Naked,” Jesse Peretz

16. “BlacKkKlansman,” Spike Lee

15. “Shoplifters,” Hirokazu Kore-eda

14. “If Beale Street Could Talk,” Barry Jenkins 

13. “First Man,” Damien Chazelle 

12. “The Kindergarten Teacher,” Sara Colangelo

11. “Annihilation,” Alex Garland

10. “Unsane,” Steven Soderbergh

"Unsane" is Steven Soderbergh's first iPhone movie. He followed this psychological thriller with "High Flying Bird" on Netflix earlier this month, a snappy basketball movie about the behind the scenes action starring Andre Holland ("Moonlight, "The Knick"). For "Unsane," Soderbergh sets his iPhone 7 Plus on "The Crown" star Claire Foy, who plays Sawyer, a troubled woman who is involuntarily institutionalized. Soderbergh makes the best use of the iPhone, making "Unsane" feel claustrophobic and disorienting to match Sawyer's state of mind. Foy gives a great performance of a woman on the edge, making this little-seen flick so much better than it ought to be.

09. “Vox Lux," Brady Corbet

"Vox Lux" is not a good movie. It's a fascinatingly bizarre one, though. It's the kind of strange concoction that has stuck with me since seeing it a few months ago. It's a twisted version of "A Star is Born" when a young singer Celest (played by Raffey Casssidy as a teen and Natalie Portman as an adult) survives a school shooting and is transformed into a mega pop star a la Lady Gaga. Every choice here is so strange — from a Willem Deafoe narration to having Cassidy play Celest's daughter. And then there's Portman's mind-boggling performance (The New York Times' film critic Manohla Dargis put it best, writing that Portman has an "accent that sounds like it's been lifted from a New York cabby in an old Hollywood comedy." The last musical number is terrible and the pop songs that we're to believe propelled Celest into stardom are quite bad (they were written by Sia but sound like tracks she never planned to release). Director Brady Corbet (an actor best known for his role in "Mysterious Skin" and his directorial debut "The Childhood of a Leader") makes a huge swing with "Vox Lux" and attempts to say something grand about our culture, pop music and tragedy but it's ultimately a can't-look-away-misfire. The kind of disaster I'll happily re-watch again and again.

08. "Suspiria," by Luca Guadagnino

Like "Vox Lux," Luca Guadagnino's take on the cult classic "Suspiria" aims high. But unlike Bradly Corbet's film, Guadagnino's remix of Dario Argento iconic 1977 giallo horror film is successful. With a running time of 153 minutes, the 2018 "Suspiria" is only spiritually connected to the original, expanding on Argento's "Three Mothers" trilogy. Guadagnino smartly ignores the original's Technicolor gore and its iconic soundtrack from Goblin, making his version of the movie dull grey and enlists Radiohead front man Thom Yorke for its spooky music. "Suspiria" also also features Dakota Johnson's best performance ever and another stellar turn from Tilda Swinton. Guadagnino channels Rainer Werner Fassbinder, adding texture to why "Suspiria" is set in 70s Germany and making great use of the political climate at the time and a coven of witches.

07. "Lean on Pete," Andrew Haigh

Out filmmaker Andrew Haigh's follow up to "45 Years" is a quiet road trip movie about a boy and his horse. Charlie Plummer gives one of the best performances of the year as Charley — a dirt poor teen who finds solace in taking care of an aging racehorse named Lean on Pete. The film shifts major gears after Charley is hit with tragedy in the first third of the film, sparking him to run away with his new animal friend in search of his aunt across the country. "Lean on Pete" isn't as sentimental as one may assume; it's a dark film that rests on Plummer's shoulders, proving he's one of the strongest young actors of his generation.

06. "Eighth Grade," Bo Burnham

Comedian and YouTube star Bo Burnham's directorial debut "Eighth Grade" is a horror movie. Starring the sensational Elsie Fisher as middle school student Kayla, "Eighth Grade" puts the experience of a young teen under a magnifying class, amplifying every awkward moment and pump those tense scenes with the kind of intense energy one would feel while watching slasher flick. But "Eighth Grade" is ultimately beautiful movie that tracks 13-year-old Kayla as she navigates her last year before entering high school. Burnham captures the essence of being a middle schooler and not for once plays Kayla's experience for cheap laughs. The things she's interested in — especially vlogging — are treated with respect and dignity, making "Eighth Grade" a lovely and felt experience.

05. "A Star is Born," Bradley Cooper

Bradley Cooper's remake of a "A Star is Born" was one of the most exciting cultural moments of 2018. From the memes to the actual film — when the moment hits that Cooper is actually pulling it off — this tragic Hollywood story, starring a marvelous Lady Gaga, was one of the best movies to think and talk about. It also happens to be very good.

04. "Roma," Alfonso Cuarón

For how technically impressive "Roma" is (that cinematography! The sound!) Alfonso Cuarón's memory piece packs an emotional punch. Cuarón focuses on Cleo (breakout star Yalitza Aparicio), a nanny for a family in 70s Mexico City. Based on Cuarón's real life nanny from that time, the filmmaker puts Cleo's experience and story on a huge scale. Her small story is treated like a war epic. "Roma" is why movies exist, an achievement in storytelling and cinematic scope.

03. "The Favourite," Yorgos Lanthimos

Yorgos Lanthimos pulls of a feat with "The Favourite" a wickedly funny movie about power, women and sex. Its three stars Olivia Colman, Emma Stone and Rachel Weisz give incredible performances each on a different wavelength. Lanthimos's touch makes "The Favourite" slightly off kilter, thanks to fisheye lenses, modern music and dance. There hasn't been such a twisted period piece since Sofia Coppola's 2006 masterpiece "Marie Antoinette."

02. "Can You Ever Forgive Me?" Marielle Heller

"Can You Ever Forgive Me?" probably has one of the worst trailers of 2018. It suggests is a run-of-the-mill Oscar bait movie with comedic genius Melissa McCarthy making a blatant attempt to Get Serious. But Marielle Heller's film is anything but that, considering it earned just three Academy Award nominations (McCarthy for Best Actress, Richard E. Grant for Best Supporting Actor and Nicole Holofcener and Jeff Whitty for Best Adapted Screenplay) and isn't expected to take home any. Nevertheless, the story about biographer-turned-scammer Lee Israel turns out to be a touching story about queer friendship. It's a specific New York City 90s story that's heartfelt and beautiful. Indeed, McCarthy as Israel is wonderful as is Grant, who plays gay British smooth talker Jack Hock. "Can You Ever Forgive Me?" is the kind of movie that is currently overlooked but will go on to become a cult favorite.

01. "Hereditary," Ari Aster

"Hereditary" is hands down the scariest movie of 2018. It's hardly a horror movie, although it's classified as such since supernatural moments occur. But it's the most stressful, intense and twisted family drama in some time. At the center of this film is Toni Collette's masterful performance as Annie Graham, a mother dealing with the loss of her own mother and how that sets off a chain of events that uproots her reality. The rabbit hole she goes down is — well there's really no other way to put this — extremely fucked up. She's put through the ringer and Collette is fully committed here as "Heredity" explores what it's like to be a mother, deals with loss, grief, tragedy and familial bounds that we've been taught to be unbreakable. "Heredity" asks what if those bonds somehow did snap? The answer is that all hell breaks loose.

[sapphoshands]

Do you have any advice regarding finding a partner? I realized I was gay a couple years ago (I'm 28 now) but I've never encountered another lesbian in my daily life...long story short I've never dated anyone but the older I get the more I long for a companion. I don't know where you're from and how the dating scene works there but I was wondering if you had any tips? I'm from Chicago which I suppose is a gay friendly city but I'm just not encountering any other gay women.

well… no, honestly.  i mean, my friend, i am a rando on the internet, i don’t have any magical advice, i’m afraid!  i personally have dated women i’ve met in school, or through friends, or through fandom.  nothing easily repeatable or distilled down to specific steps there.  nothing i can say is going to be new or exceptional.  

but you know, making friends as an adult is hard, and that’s really what dating is, only with an extra layer or two. :P  and, look, if you have no other lesbians/queer women/queer people in general in your life, consider trying to expand your community as a first step: it’s awesome to be around people who get it, and you will meet people in lower-pressure environments at first.

dating apps get a bad rap, but i know people who love them.  you can also put on that you’re looking for friends first, or you can go all out.  look for queer or lesbian meetups in your area (there’s a library near-ish me that does a queer book club and i keep failing to go, sigh).  go hang out at pride and start chatting to people. 

i know tumblr has this stereotype of lesbians who are incompetent at dating or oblivious or whatever, and i’ve definitely had my share of ‘…wait, she was flirting’ regrets, but queer women are generally a pretty great dating pool.  there are gonna be a few assholes everywhere, but overall i think we’re aware that people will be at different points in their coming-out journeys and levels of experience, that we’re dating people and not sexbots, that emotions make us vulnerable, and that women are awesome.  

eta: also, consider reading the dating archives of your favourite advice column.  captain awkward is mine: in amongst the truly horrible hetero couples who just need to break up already, she has some great advice about navigating dating feels and the process and how to be kind to yourself and your dates during it.

i’m sorry there’s no magic answer.  but the good news is, you’re gay!  congrats!  happy pride!  i hope you have a great month and get to celebrate yourself and our community!

[strwbrymoonchild]

Creating Our Own Spaces: Open Television and the Importance of Intersectional Streaming Platforms

Open Television (OTV) supports Chicago-based artists by producing indie web series and pilots that tell intersectional stories. The platform revolutionizes streaming by highlighting nuances in the lived experiences of people of color and the LGBTQ community, and by intentionally holding space for joy, healing, and humor. Lack of diversity in film is well-documented; a recent study by the Annenberg Inclusion Initiative shows that of the top 100 films in 2019, 78 had no LGBTQ characters and 94 had no female-identified LGBTQ characters. The study also found that of 4,357 speaking roles, only 61 (1.4%) were LGBTQ, forty-five characters were gay, 10 characters were lesbian, 3 characters were bisexual and 3 characters were transgender. All three trans characters had a total screen time of no more than 2 minutes. About 71% of these LGBTQ speaking roles were white. While there have been both strides and shortcomings in efforts to increase the depth of LGBTQ and BIPOC television characters in mainstream media, diversity, and inclusion behind the camera is just as integral to filmmaking as representation on screen. 

There are some perceptions that we are entering into a Black film Renaissance. The rise of shows like Insecure and Atlanta FX in addition to major Black blockbuster moments for films like Black Panther and Moonlight all suggest that progress is being made. However, the figures reported by The Annenberg Inclusion Initiative show that the number of movies with Black Directors in 2019 fell by more than half; only nine movies released in 2019 had Black directors whereas 15 movies released in 2018 had Black directors.Even when we look at Black and POC directors as a whole, the numbers don’t get much more encouraging; the study also found that out of the 112 directors that made movies in 2019, 19.6% were from underrepresented racial and ethnic groups. While representation for Black directors has been halved, the percentage of women directors helming the most popular films more than doubled between 2018 and 2019. Nevertheless, their share of representation remains critically low. The Annenberg Inclusion Initiative found that only 10.6% of directors across the top 100 films of 2019 were women. When it comes to writing and producing, representation for women is only slightly better. Women made up 14.4 % of writers across the top 100 films, and only 21.1% of producers. 

Diversity behind the scenes is so crucial because it ensures that marginalized communities can tell their stories using characters that have distinct voices, complex backgrounds, agency that extends beyond tokenistic supporting roles, or even leads roles that myopically reinforce tired tropes and harmful stereotypes. For example, when Black writers are in the room, they can construct characters that speak like us instead of mis/overusing awkward AAVE that’s cut and pasted from Twitter into contexts that don’t fit. When women writers are in the room, they can squelch manic pixie tropes and fridging for the sake of male character development. When LGBTQ writers are in the room they can mitigate issues like queerbaiting or focus solely on the trauma of coming out stories without centering queer joy and romance. Similarly, when producers with marginalized identities are in the room, they can thwart gatekeeping by expanding the production value of films made by marginalized artists with limited resources, and by prioritizing inexpensive and creative ways of funding and distributing media (e.g. crowdfunding, virtual screenings, DIY film festivals, etc.). Furthermore, when filmmaking spaces lack diversity, the result can be toxic and alienating, which stifles creativity and demoralizes BIPOC and/or LGBTQ creators. OTV has shown that one of the keys to creating authentic stories is not only getting diverse voices in the room but also making the room a brave space that emphasizes accountability and community while allowing artists the independence and freedom to innovatively experiment with storytelling without fear of exploitation, bigotry, or violence.  

OTV exemplifies how critical it is to not only feed diverse narratives into the mainstream media, but to introduce more accessible, inclusive, and alternative ways of filmmaking.

Executives in the film industry often buy into the misconception that intersectional stories that have characters with marginalized identities aren’t worth the investment because they only appeal to niche audiences. On the contrary, many viewers don’t just want cookie cutter, predominately white shows; they are hungry for diverse content that is striking, informational, and binge-worthy. A study released by UCLA revealed that in 2019, films with 41%-50% minority cast earned the most from box office ticket sales, whereas films with the least diverse casts performed the poorest. The #RepresentationMatters report that the National Research Group released in September 2020 shows that 2 in 3 Black Americans don’t see themselves represented in movies or television, and 86% of Black Americans want to see more representative stories on screen. Taken together, these findings suggest that when underrepresented groups see someone who looks like them in a film, it makes them want to support it more because representation is such a coveted rarity for these groups.  

It's not enough to sprinkle diversity into mainstream media to increase sales. OTV exemplifies how critical it is to not only feed diverse narratives into the mainstream media, but to introduce more accessible, inclusive, and alternative ways of filmmaking. Recently, Open Television started the OTV Fellows program for emerging writers and directors from marginalized communities. The program seeks out and supports promising talent, helping them build their portfolios for a career in the film industry. OTV also hosts a seven-part workshop series called OTV Study Hall, which features a wide range of panelists and offers insights into career development, production, and marketing. 

When we create intersectional TV platforms that are for and by us, shows that spotlight multiple marginalized identities can reach their full potential, and flourish in conversation with content that has a similar range. There is power and value in seeing multi-faceted, genre-bending, intersectional stories as the centerpiece of streaming, rather than cramming them into a specialty category tucked away in a corner of Netflix or Hulu or trying to make them fit in a category where they don’t belong.

Check out some top picks from OTV’s incredible content below

The T | For fans of Pose FX and Lovesick

The T follows the relationship between a Trans white woman named Jo and a queer Black man named Carter. The two are former lovers turned best friends who support each other through the insecurities and bigotry they face as they re-enter the dating world. 

You’re So Talented | For fans of The Incredible Jessica James and Brown Girls

You’re So Talented follows Bea, an actor looking for work in Chicago and navigating the twists and turns of love and life in her twenties. A character many millennial BIPOC creatives out there can relate to, Bea does her best to find meaning through her art while keeping the bills paid. Through it all, her best friend’s Devin and Jesse are always there for her. (You may recognize the actor who plays Bea, Sam Bailey, as the Director and Producer of hit web series, Brown Girls). 

The Right Swipe | For fans of Broad City and The Perfect Date

We’ve all seen our fair share of tragic online dating app profiles: a man holding big fish twice his size, stale jokes about The Office, shameless gym mirror selfies, etc.. In The Right Swipe, best friends and business partners India and Margo team up to start a business fixing men’s dating profiles. They extend their services to a diverse set of clients including a trans man, a queer poet, and a hotep. They have 3 simple ground rules 1. They must use their powers for good, 2. They charge clients on a sliding scale, and 3. No sleeping with or dating clients.

Velvet | For fans of Insecure

A hyper-competitive young professional named Demetra attempts to revive her social life by striking up a friendship with her cooler more laidback coworker Cymone. The duo eventually builds a squad of friends who take on the city of Chicago as they explore their own identities and relationships with each other. 

The Haven | For fans of Orange Is the New Black (before they killed off Poussey)

The Haven follows the story of overworked and underpaid staff members at a domestic violence shelter. Once accepted into the shelter, residents of The Haven have only 90 days of refuge before they must find a way to propel themselves onto a new life path. The odds are stacked against those seeking a fresh start as they face a range of obstacles including addiction, mental illness, poverty, immigration complexities, and PTSD. 

Damaged Goods | For fans of Euphoria

Bathed in technicolor and barely getting by, four young, messy creatives of color walk down uncertain paths of self-discovery in Chicago. When Sanavi tries to dismantle the Boy’s Club in her white-dominated workplace, she’s met with hostility and discrimination. Meanwhile, Caleb navigates the queer club scene and struggles to make ends meet. In contrast, Marlo thrives as a Black wellness guru/yogi/influencer. Ezra supports himself as a weed dealer and Uber driver, but has big dreams of becoming an artist. 

Otito Greg-Obi is a poet and aspiring screenwriter based in Washington D.C. Her poetry appears in "small poems for the masses," a quarterly zine by Post Ghost Press. She is a former member of The Excelano Project, a poetry collective in Philadelphia. When she’s not writing you can find her slow-mo milly rocking in the pouring rain to MorMor, baking sourdough bread, over/underwatering succulents, or knitting something cozy. Her favorite color is mint green, and she’s obsessed with pop culture and with television (particularly dramedies and dystopian sci-fi). You can find her on Twitter at @otweetoh

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[imnotobsessedwithtv]

The “Big Mouth” Controversy

After being bored out of my mind because I “had nothing to watch”, I stumbled upon Big Mouth last week. I liked it. But then, after a few episodes, I also stumbled upon its controversy. 

After watching about three episdoes, I decided I was into this show. But then I opened tumblr. O wow, big mistake. What’s the fuss about? So I read a couple of opinionated people. People who liked it. People who defended it. But also, people who called it all kinds of bad things. I was, for lack of better words, shook. But heck, that wouldn’t stop me from watching the full first season. 

So what’s the show about? 

To me, it’s pretty simple. It’s a show about a couple of seventh graders trying to navigate through the new world of ‘puberty’. Do not be fooled though, this isn’t a show for 12-year old viewers. This is not Degrassi. This is a show for adults. 

And I guess that’s where it gets a little confusing. Because, as we all know, puberty doesn’t just involve pimpels and hair growth. It comes with a whole bunch of other feelings, including arousal and horniness. And in this show, that’s how the hormone monster is introduced.

See, the hormone monster is this little devil talking to both Andrew and Jessi. And usually, against all their objections, they give in and do whatever their hormone monster tells them to do. Including masturbation.

So let’s tap into that controversy, sha’ll we?

That’s right, we see all kinds of things in this show.  But the creepy part is that, let’s not forget, these are teenagers. And most of us aren’t. So yeah, it’s weird and it raises a lot of question marks. Should we really see as much as we are? And why? 

But here’s what I’m thinking:

After watching all the episodes, I was wondering whether or not the creators went too far for my own taste. And I realized that besides the crude language and many random penisses, I wasn’t even super shocked at it all. Not nearly as much as other people (often people who didn’t watch it) claim. 

The thing people seem to forget about in this show is context. See, the thing is: I can only recall one scene where any of the kids are fully naked. We see Andrew in the nude when he got out of the shower and his friend Nick scared him. The towel falls off and for a split second, we see Andrew’s genitals. 

As this was the first episode, I did wonder whether they were going to go there or not. And surely, they did. But the story quickly continues to talk about how awkward Nick feels after seeing his friends’ genitals. And this for the sole reason that Nick hasn’t hit puberty yet. Therefore, he doesn’t really understand why Andrew looks different. That’s the context. The context of what seems to be the only scene in the show where one of the main characters is fully nude. 

The thing is that this context is what makes the show relatable. We were all twelve once. And we all had doubts about our bodies. Will we grow into normal adults? 

So I ask myself two questions: 

Do we need this kind of storyline? and if so,

how do we want it to be portrayed? 

The first question is quite hard to answer because what defines as “need”? Do we really need an animated comedy show about sex? Probably not, even if deals with teenage kids trying to navigate through puberty. But for the heck of it, let’s say we do need it. Let’s say that this show might actually be relatable and somewhate informative. Then the question remains: how do we want it portrayed? 

For this question, you have to look through the eyes of the writers. How would you tackle the idea that this twelve year old kid has the realization he doesn’t look like his buddy yet? To be honest, the first thing that pops into my head is a locker room situation. But how the fuck would that not be more weird? Can you see it already? If we’re really going to be talking about what is “porn”, I think my mind went to a way more innapropriate place than the writers did. In fact, if you put it into perspective, the writers did a pretty good job. Both Nick and the viewers saw what they saw because of Nick’s stupid joke trying to scare Andrew. Nothing more, nothing less.

And I guess that’s how I’d try to view all other questionable scenes in this show. Like all the scenes where these kids are masturbating, for example. 

Who did not feel awkward about this episode where Jay was um, making love (?) to his pillow. Not only is it gross, but we still have to think about the fact this is a 13-year old kid. He seems to be having the time of his life. But why do we need to see it? I asked myself the same question throughout the episode.

But then there’s people talking about that scene where Jessi is talking to her genitals. Okay, that’s awkward, too. But isn’t that so much different from what we see Jay do? Jessi’s on the same journey as the boys. But obviously, she’s going to experience it a little different. Which is something I’m glad we’re seeing. I’m glad I got to watch a smart girl explore her body. Enough with all the boy nonsense! 

And look, we have to remember that except for the time we saw Andrew naked, we never saw any of the characters naked. Even when Jessi was talking to her vajajay, the screen was split. And in any other scenes, the sheets always cover everything. We all know what they’re doing, but there is no visual trigger at all. 

Is it justified? 

As you know by now, I’m pretty pro “Big Mouth”.  I often felt awkward and mildly disturbed, but did I ever feel as if the writers had gone too far? Oh no. Au contraire. What about all these great messages? Like how important consent is. Or how it’s okay to be gay. If it’s not informative, it’s at least relatable. 

But hey, the show isn’t perfect. There are plenty of jokes I didn’t laugh at. But if you’re going to be watching a show about puberty, it might as well be this one. 

However - if you’re not into watching several furry dicks crawling out of the pockets of Andrew’s hormone monster, then I guess you can watch Degrassi. 

What do you think of Big Mouth? 

[logh-icebergs]

Episode 10: Jessica’s Battle

Summer 796/487. Yang and Julian travel to Thernusen, where Yang has been ordered to attend a ceremony at the military academy. Upon arrival Yang is unwittingly sucked into a political battle between pro-war and anti-war factions, and we learn that politics have gotten no more civil in the next 1600 years: Yang is attacked by peace party goons; peace party goons are attacked by the PKC; and finally Yang is saved from Jessica’s rather aggressive advances when the headquarters of the peace party is bombed, killing their candidate. This strategy backfires badly, as Jessica runs in his place and receives 80% (!!) of the vote. Meanwhile, Julian is repeatedly denied the chance to have any fun.

Yang, Asexuality, and Representation

One frankly astonishing thing about Legend of Galactic Heroes is the breadth and variety of queer characters, each with their own personal relationship to issues of love and sex and romance, each with their own personal struggles against societies that want to cram everyone into neat normative boxes, each with their own methods of navigating those expectations. Hell, it’s only episode 10, and already we’ve gotten to know one gay couple well and seen another gay couple in the background; we’ve gotten glimpses of Magdalena and Hilda, whose respective ways of navigating imperial society as queer women we’ll discuss at length as we see more of them; we’ve met Dusty, who flies slightly under the radar by embracing a “confirmed bachelor” identity; and pretty soon we’ll meet a gay character who attempts to pass by loudly proclaiming his (dubious) heterosexual conquests at every opportunity. In the future we’ll get to know a handful of bi characters, some quite promiscuous, others very shy about sex and romance. We’ll see multiple different characters grapple with their parents’ reactions to their queer identities. This is not representation as in box-checking and calling it a day. This is representation as in an actual reflection of the myriad ways that real people relate to these issues individually.

And there’s Yang, who is asexual. I’ve been dancing around this for several episodes, ever since one of the first details the show chose to tell us about him in “My Conquest” was his apathy toward the piles of love letters he receives:

Hints of this have been there all along (remember his overly flustered reaction to feeling like Cazellnu was attempting to matchmake for him?), but finally in this episode, through his interactions with Jessica and backstory about his time at the academy, we get enough detail and body language to start to put the puzzle together. Alliance culture of the late 700’s being remarkably similar to much of Earth culture of the late 1900’s, Yang lacks a good framework for understanding this aspect of himself, and throughout the show we’ll see him struggle with an inability to explain the anxiety he clearly feels when confronted with romantic situations. Although he’s not aromantic, the potential sexual expectations that go along with romance lead him to shy away from it, as he did with Jessica, and is already starting to do with Frederica.

What Yang says here is "tondemonai," which I'd translate as something like "not at all!"

Wading through online lists of supposedly ace characters in media, one finds a pretty frustrating mix of characters who are either actually gay (with asexuality used as a cloak by the creators and/or audience to sweep that gayness under the rug), or rendered “asexual” through some accident or medical condition, or are some kind of biologically asexual being, with just a handful of actual examples scattered throughout. But Yang is not a robot or a legendary Pokémon, or a background character who just never gets paired off romantically. He’s a protagonist, a warm and empathetic and brilliant person with many complicated relationships in his life spanning friendship and romance. The nuance and realism with which his love life is depicted throughout the show is both impressive and Really Fucking Important.

Aww Yang.

Yang and Jessica

I love the motif of reflections in this show. This shot captures the distance between them in a way no words I could type here can.

There are so many facets to the sadness and tension that pervade every scene between Yang and Jessica: their different approaches to working to end the war; the pain of Lapp’s recent death and Yang’s guilt surrounding it; and, as we learn in this episode, lingering regret on Jessica’s part that Yang never pursued a romantic relationship with her. Because of the complexity of their dynamic and the fact that Yang himself is confused about how to act around her, untangling their interactions is a difficult task. There’s a lot that’s deliberately left ambiguous; and while I love that LoGH doesn’t feel the need to make relationships simpler than they are in real life, it doesn’t exactly make our job as viewers easy.

What was Yang about to say? An explanation of why he feels it’s best for him to play nice with his superiors even though they’re using him for propaganda? An invitation to socialize that he decides could be taken the wrong way, or would be turned down because of the political gulf between them? Just tell us dammit, to hell with realistic storytelling!

Our goal, then, like that parable about the blind men and the elephant, is to find the reality that best explains the sum total of the details that we see, even when each detail on its own may feel ambiguous. And the main thread that runs through all of Yang’s behavior, both in the flashback to his first year at the academy and in the present, is his complete lack of initiative when it comes to anything romantic.  

Case in point number one: Although we’re told twice—through Julian, importantly—that part of Yang’s agenda in going to Thernusen is to see Jessica, he never once actually makes an active effort to do so, instead filling his free time by flopping on the hotel bed griping about politics and taking Julian out to fancy restaurants.

Is Julian a reliable narrator here? Unclear—if you’ve ever had the sort of hero-worship proto-crush that Julian has at this point, you might recognize an over-eager interest in that person’s love life as one of the symptoms. Yang’s “oy mind your own business” reactions tell us that the situation is complicated, but not much more than that.

When we last saw Yang and Jessica together, they were saying an extremely awkward and fraught goodbye at the airport; in particular, Jessica seemed to be waiting for Yang to say something further, before finally giving up and walking away. At the time I suggested that Yang’s sadness in that scene could stem partly from not feeling comfortable fulfilling the role that her wistful gazes seem to ask of him, and his reluctance to reach out to her while he’s in Thernusen fits with that. Julian, being astute and keenly interested in the subject, has also picked up on vibes beyond “old college friend” between Yang and Jessica, and his natural assumption is that this ought to mean Yang will seek her out. But on the contrary, Yang’s reaction is to withdraw.

Turns out he didn’t need to seek her out: Like it or not they’re thrown together twice by the political melodrama that’s going down in this city. After the second incident, in which Yang rescues one of Jessica’s friends from PKC thugs, he finds himself walking with her past the military academy campus, and at her suggestion they sneak in.

Pictured: Yang Wenli in his natural habitat, on a romantic walk at night alone with a girl.

This incredibly closed off body language contrasts not only with how Yang acts in situations where he feels comfortable, but also notably with the body language between Reinhard and Kircheis in...well okay in every scene that includes both of them, but I’m thinking specifically of the episode 8 flashback, which also takes place in the romantic setting of sitting together on the grass at night.

Being at the academy leads to a nostalgic mood, which brings us to case in point number two of Yang’s passivity. Through an extended flashback we learn that he first saw Jessica when his friend Lapp literally dragged him away from scrolling through Instagr— I mean studying history, in order to ogle a hot girl he found through a window.

Quick aside on Lapp and how much he sucks: ...a lot. This is fucked up. If Lapp likes her, why drag Yang into it? In his mind he’s probably being generous, but it reeks of positioning Jessica as an object that must be competed for and won in order to have real value. Wtf Lapp. I talked above about the beauty of how this show captures the true panoply of human experience, but did straight white douchebag guys really need the extra representation??

Lapp procured two tickets to a party that Jessica will be at, and when he asks Yang if he wants one Yang responds with an almost offended “of course”—why wouldn’t he? At the party Lapp and Yang are both standing around being wallflowers until Lapp decides it’s time for one of them to make a move on their target, and flips a coin for the privilege. Yang wins the flip, and so finds himself asking Jessica to dance, swept along into that position entirely by Lapp’s own interest in her.

I’m emphasizing Yang’s lack of initiative here because it’s important to the overall picture; I’m not suggesting that 18-year-old Yang isn’t sincerely hoping that things go well with Jessica. My read on college!Yang is that if left to his own devices he would sit around studying history all day, but if anything he’s grateful to have a friend who’s better at this girl stuff than he is who can push him a bit.

When they start dancing, however, it’s immediately clear that Yang is way, way out of his comfort zone.

Yes, Yang “never learning to dance” can be taken as a metaphor for his asexuality. This symbolism is yet another "iceberg": the part above the surface is the actual events of the story, while the hidden depths are the metaphorical connections that we can draw from what's depicted to help us understand things the show can’t talk about more directly.

He’s failing so badly to perform the proper role of smoothly sweeping the girl off her feet that Lapp decides it’s necessary to save Yang from further embarrassment by cutting in for him; Yang seems (rightly!) a bit miffed at this, but quickly resigns himself to being a wallflower again. 

Lapp: Did I mention he sucks? This is another asshole move cloaked in ostensibly good intentions. Lapp would have ceded this “prize” to his friend if he won her fair and square, but as soon as he sees Yang deviate from the proper protocols of seduction, he decides Yang is no longer worthy and claims her for himself.

Jessica seems susceptible to Lapp’s charms, and some undetermined time later Yang spots them giggling together under a tree and realizes, a bit wistfully, that things between them seem to be clicking. 

As always there could be a lot behind this wistfulness: wondering what might have been with Jessica if he’d had more of a chance; or more general envy that Lapp knows how to do this stuff and he doesn’t.

Which brings us back to the present, and Yang again finding himself swept along into a situation out of his comfort zone, sitting under a tree with a rather emotional Jessica. When Jessica confesses that she had been hoping Yang would ask her to dance again, Yang evasively cites Lapp’s infatuation with her, an excuse she doesn’t seem to totally accept. 

What Jessica actually says here is “otoko-doushi no yuujou tte wake?” which I’d translate as “sooo it was a bro code kinda thing?” Good to know that fantastic concept survives for another 1600 years...

And when, overcome with various emotions, Jessica finally breaks through the closed-off body language and throws herself at Yang, we come to case in point number three of Yang failing to assert himself. Although he’s done all he can to passively signal that he’s uncomfortable with the hints of romance between them, he can’t seem to bring himself to actively reject her—maybe just because he hates the thought of hurting her, maybe because part of him wishes he were more interested and feels conflicted, maybe because part of him is interested but doesn’t feel comfortable pursuing it. Whatever the case, as soon as the more passive thing to do is to reciprocate her advances, he goes along with it.

Fortunately for Yang, this incipient tryst is interrupted by the PKC bombing the headquarters of Jessica’s political party, killing their candidate. Despite their last real interaction being an aborted kiss, Yang slips immediately back into passive avoidance mode, making no further attempts to follow up with her before heading back to Heinessenpolis the next day. Jessica is caught up even further in politics, as she runs in place of the murdered candidate and wins; and Yang returns to his military life, glancing at her on the television as he heads off to a meeting with Frederica and wishing her luck. Despite Jessica’s lingering feelings and Yang’s wistfulness, the gulf between them has very clearly widened.

Julian

In the background of all of the drama of this episode we find Julian, teasing Yang about Jessica, listening to Yang’s rants about feeling used by the politicians, lying through his teeth to hotel security, and just generally being a completely adorable shadow-slash-caretaker to Yang. 

Here Julian takes on the role of managing Yang’s emotional state: turning off the TV when thinking about politics is making Yang cranky, then visibly collecting his own emotions enough to smile and offer tea.

In possibly my favorite moment of the episode, Julian is one second away from getting to be the hero who saves Yang from the peace party thugs who are attacking him...only to have his thunder stolen by Jessica. Poor kid.

Yang...Yang...literally thirty seconds ago this abandoned street was full of violent PKC goons who bear a grudge against you and people you care about, and you just… Listen who the fuck put Yang in charge of another human being?

If you pay attention throughout the episode you’ll notice a dozen or so shots where Julian is perfectly mimicking Yang’s body language and expression. (I’ll restrain myself and only include four here.) 

So much is conveyed by all of these tiny moments and details, without Julian ever being the actual focus of the episode. It’s beautiful storytelling. 

Aww Julian.

Stray Tidbits

Worldbuilding alert! We get a bit more detail about how these awesome self-driving zipcars work when Yang hails one. I love how real this feels; how many years away are we from actually having these?

One thing that I find really interesting about the politics in LoGH is that we see characters disagreeing not just about the ultimate goals, but also about questions of the right methods to achieve them. Yang and Jessica both hate the war and feel an imperative to do what they can to minimize the damage done by it; the political tension between them comes from different philosophies about pursuing that end. The questions raised here are difficult and I like that the show never really tries to settle them.

Like episode 9, much of the plot of this episode is anime-only; in the novels Jessica’s victory in this election is mentioned only in passing.

Visibly Angry Yang is a rare specimen and I love him.

Clearly no one was ever supposed to have the technology to pause and move frame-by-frame through the sequence of Yang bouncing up into a sitting position on the hotel bed...this is probably the single most horrible LoGH screenshot I’ve ever taken. 

[recentanimenews]

Given is One of the Best Anime Dramas of the Year

Hello all, and welcome back to Why It Works! As the summer season approaches its end, all of our various seasonal contenders are starting to wrap up, and we can get a clearer picture of the season as a whole. And looking back, I can’t help but feel impressed anew by all the accomplishments of given, this summer’s phenomenal romance/band drama, and one of my own favorite shows of the year so far. given has been gathering more and more buzz over the course of the season, as more folks get introduced to its incredibly sharp character writing and dialogue, stunning performance sequences, and general ability to rip your heart out. But in case you’ve been missing out, I’ll be making the case for why you should catch up one more time, as I run down five strengths of this fantastic anime!

  A Relatable Band Drama

given is exceptional at conveying the feeling of being young and in a band, through both good times and bad. given’s stars all love music, but they’re also preoccupied with plenty of other things in life - their jobs and schoolwork, their love lives, their aspirations for the future. These characters don’t have the luxury of totally dedicating themselves to music, but ultimately, the diverse circumstances of their lives actually feed back into the band, directly informing their synergy and unique strengths as a group. From the formative choice of picking a band name to the perpetual struggle of booking shows, given brings the band experience to life - and when its performance sequences arrive, they’re absolutely stunning.

Rich, Multifaceted Characters

Every character in given has their own story to tell, and though they often come into conflict with each other, they all have sympathetic reasons for their divergent feelings. Loudmouthed guitarist Ritsuka wears his heart on his sleeve and soft-spoken new vocalist Mafuyu takes time to express himself, while their bandmates Haruki and Akuhiko also have complex histories to uncover. All of these characters put up a strong front at times, wallow in their insecurities at others, and generally try to navigate a wide array of often contradictory motives - in short, all of these characters feel like people. If you’re looking for characters you can fall in love with, given has got them in spades.

  Convincing, Intelligent Dialogue

Even above its other strengths, I’d say given’s script features the best, most convincingly written and sharply observant dialogue I’ve seen in any anime this year. Nearly every single episode pulls off some of the most honestly observed and satisfyingly real dialogue I’ve experienced recently, from Ritsuka and Mafuyu’s tense first meetings, to the excavation of deeper insecurities realized in more recent episodes. There’s an incredible sequence where Ritsuka is on the verge of acknowledging he has feelings for Mafuyu, and his bisexual friend Akihiko helps him sort through those feelings.

There’s another where Mafuyu meets with a friend for the first time in years, as the two of them negotiate their new relationship in the wake of the tragedy that drove them apart. given absolutely nails these emotionally charged situations, but even its idle dialogue is rich in character and reflective of each cast member’s unique circumstances. Again and again, given demonstrates how much a strong script can elevate a character drama, and truly bring a cast to life.

Beautiful, Evocative Scene-Setting

given isn’t the most fluidly animated show of the year, but the show’s strong direction and layouts more than make up for it. given’s camera echoes the moods of its characters, capturing their insecurity in beautiful long shots, or conveying the tense emotions of a moment through well-chosen framing. In one key moment, Mafuyu’s decision to rekindle an old friendship is told entirely through his shoes, neither character able to actually make eye contact. In another, the end of Ritsuka’s carefree daily life is conveyed through the frame itself, the impact of another’s words illustrated through a plane hitting a visual wall. Such tricks are subtle, but they add up - all of given’s conversations feel impactful and urgent, a direct result of its intelligent framing.

A Sympathetic Gay Romance

given isn’t shy about presenting itself as a genuine gay romance, with all the social and personal baggage that entails. Mafuyu suffers from hateful rumors due to his dating a boy in middle school, while Ritsuka struggles with genuinely embracing his feelings at all. given doesn’t exist in a world where any love is immediately accepted; it exists in our world, and its characters struggle with threats to their relationship both external and culturally ingrained.

  For all that, given is unafraid to embrace its romance, either - this season climaxes on a gorgeous ode to past love, followed by a genuine on-screen kiss. After that, we even get the “how do we interact now” awkwardness following that kiss, diving into rich dramatic territory that anime romances in general seldom explore. If you’re looking for a fully realized romance, given is a terrific choice.

I’m running out of time here, but as you can see, I’ve got plenty to gush about when it comes to this summer’s given. The show is undoubtedly going to be one of my top anime of the year, and already stands as one of the best romances and character dramas in recent memory. If you’re already watching it, I hope you enjoyed this celebration of given, and if not, I hope you feel inspired to check it out. A show this rich should not be missed!

Let me know all your own favorite parts of given in the comments!

  -----

Nick Creamer has been writing about cartoons for too many years now, and is always ready to cry about Madoka. You can find more of his work at his blog Wrong Every Time, or follow him on Twitter.

Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features!

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[engl699readingjournal-blog]

my first month in Berlin was really fucking lonely and pathetic. I had surely by then been tending to a few friendship-seedlings, a few of which ended up as fully realized friendships that I still do not know how I managed to cultivate. these people I would hang out with periodically throughout my first weeks, but I’ve always been one of those people who can’t understand why anyone would want to hang out with me, so when people actually did want to hang out with me I was clunky and awkward and navigated meeting their friends and then their friends-of-friends as if a there’d been whole trading-card set of Berlin scenesters laid out in front of me and someone was just chucking cards at my forehead frisbee-style. most of them I missed, they bounced off my forehead and spun off into the abyss of some Neukölln bar or weird fetish club and I never spoke to them again. there was a lot of that, just these one-off conversations of intense interest followed by a mutual agreement of continued contact followed by nothing. then I’d see them again months later at some event that drew the whole scene, from the bullseye (see: Peaches) on outward to the fringes, the acknowledgment would be nonexistent and if it happened it was weird, the next thing I knew they were a suggested friend on Facebook with fourteen mutual friends. was there anyone who didn’t know everyone else already? did some of these people charge you fifteen Euro for revealing that they recognize you in public?

some of these people, I took entirely too long to realize, had never been interested in being my friend at all. I was apparently stupid enough to forget, or to never know in the first place, that some people only talked to you if they wanted to sleep with you or if they thought you might have connections they could take advantage of. I had nothing to offer in either department. I spent the latter half of my teenage years putting so much effort into being unattractive, never making eye contact, and deflecting That Kind Of Attention that I hadn’t even considered the possibility that no one would know or care about any of that in a new environment. when people watched or smiled at me, I glared. when people asked me questions about my clothes or hair or what I was doing in the city, I gave monosyllabic answers in a flat voice. when people moved close to me, I got up and walked away. when they touched me, I hit them or otherwise raised cain before disappearing. that’s always easy to do when you’re tiny and wear dark clothes. being pursued as an object of sexual interest was not something I planned for because I didn’t pursue other people as objects of sexual interest. I considered myself outside of the dating and sex game and for whatever reason assumed everyone could figure that out immediately.

but they couldn’t, and that produced some awkward-ass situations. via social media I met a filmmaker, American by way of Israel, who made a documentary on William S. Burroughs that I had probably illegally downloaded and watched at least five times. we talked about Burroughs briefly, but ultimately he did not seem interested in talking about Burroughs. see, I was interested in talking about Burroughs. I wanted to know what interviewing Iggy Pop was like. I wanted to know what it was like to talk with John Waters for more than thirty seconds at a book-signing. by chance, we met two days later at a Drag Race viewing party in a bar I never set foot in anymore for different reasons. we recognized each other and he seemed genuinely interested in meeting me – we shook hands, he was drunk, I was probably running off of fruit and quark and an U-Bahn platform vending-machine diet coke. my handshake probably felt like a wet towel and I apologized for that, made some self-deprecating comment about how creepy my hands probably were. within five seconds the conversation was over. the next time I saw him, he was surrounded by an entourage at another club with no shirt on, perfectly sober. by then I knew better than to say hello, but he saw me and said nothing (which I can’t be salty about because I did the exact same thing). it wasn’t until then that I mentioned the earlier encounter to a friend, who said quite simply that he probably was just looking for sex and had lost interest.

I had not thought of this, obviously. what gave him the impression that I was interested in sex to begin with? I wanted to talk Burroughs, and interviewing Patti Smith. I was expressly not interested in what it was like to meet Peter Weller because when Weller brought up Pier Paolo Pasolini in one of his interview segments I think my hairline receded a little bit. at any rate, I was baffled. then I got angry even though I knew that sex would not have been a thing that ever would have happened anyway. what was the problem with me? my giant head and stick body? did my face look more or less cadaverous than in pictures and was that a deal-breaker? was I short, bad-postured, sickly, monotone, behaving strangely, shy, and not an established cosmopolite and freelance artist raising the rents in Kreuzkölln? yes to all of the above. this was one of a few lessons I had on the value of both sexual capital and artistic clout in the Berlin scenester circle. who were you fucking and what kind of art were you making? well, I wasn’t fucking anybody and I wasn’t making any art. luckily I was to make friends who also weren’t fucking anybody and ended up making art with them. they’re the reason I still go back. 

(as a side note, this past April I met John Waters again at a book-signing – I was somewhat far back in the line and Waters had been pounding some brown liquor to get him through the evening. much to my and my friends’ delight, this meant that by the time we got to the table he was so in the mood to chat that the event organizers had to move him along. I brought up this filmmaker and said that I had met him and found him shallow and that the new feature film he had made was distasteful in a number of ways. Waters barely remembered the guy, and when I tried to jog his memory by saying that he’d directed a Burroughs documentary that largely featured Waters’s commentary, Waters responded: ‘oh, god, which one? there’s, like, five of those.’)

I also did some bold shit during my first month in Berlin, before I had people to necessarily call friends and before I realized that many of the people I was corresponding with existed on a plane very different from mine. my usual routine was to wear the same outfit and sit in the corner of a bar drinking a club mate until somebody talked to me, inevitably making a really fatuous comparison to David Bowie or, like, Gary Numan. or Kraftwerk. I moved from bar to bar that way, inciting some interest in people and then eventually leaving the bar and leaving them with no contact information because I wanted to go to bed and my throat was sore from secondhand smoke. this isn’t to say that I didn’t also take interest in people I saw, because I certainly did, but I guess I was prepared to make no attempts at talking to them and had resigned myself to the idea that any friends I would make would come to me. I apparently would have rather existed in complete isolation and misery for seven months than start conversations with strangers.

but sometimes I didn’t just sit in the corners of establishments hoping for friendships to strike up. sometimes I went to the parts of bars and clubs where I had no business being, as a trans person, as a person who looked feminine, as a person existing outside of the sexual market. I would take my drink and plop myself down in the middle of a fuckdungeon or a darkroom and just watch people. I was simultaneously interested in what drove cis gay men to seek out anonymous sex and horrified at the way the floor squelched under my shoes. I lit cigarettes and just held them so I looked more like I had my own purpose there, thinking that somehow let everyone else know that I was exempt from participating in the generally-expected activity but nevertheless allowed to be there. in my head I called this “taking up space” and sometimes accomplished just that. sometimes I sat, I fake-smoked, I drank a coke, I watched a man get spit-roasted in the corner like someone watches Animal Planet. then I would get up and walk out. other times I sat, I fake-smoked, I drank a coke, a fifty-year-old man would walk up to me mouth-breathing and rubbing his junk and I would get up and haul ass out. other times a young man would approach me and say loudly in English that this was a space for gay men to have sex and that I should go back upstairs to the main dance floor and bar instead of staring at everyone and “ruining the vibe,” and I would loudly tell him he was ruining his own vibe by bothering me instead of servicing the glory hole, and I would get up and get brow-beaten out. 

my first month living in Berlin was, much like Isherwood’s descriptors of his early Berlin experiences – Bradshaw’s first Silvester celebration during which he walks in on Mr. Norris being flogged between two women while polishing one’s boots, or his brief glimpse of a shitfaced Baron von Pregnitz having a beer dumped down his throat while pinned on a couch by a “powerful youth in a boxer’s sweater” – the beginning of a series of dreamlike impressions that have been rewritten in my head numerous times. the places I frequent reorient themselves in my mind as soon as I leave Berlin again and I describe them slightly differently to people each time I retell a story. of course, there were times that were not necessarily dreamlike; buying rolls and water at an aldi is not that different in Berlin except that you really have to make sure the bottles are on their sides or they’ll topple over on the conveyor belt. in a way the aldi was a non-space all its own, though, as was the ausländerbehörde, the bürgeramt, the endless stretch of S-Bahn between Nikolassee and Grünewald that was so long and godforsaken that I was convinced all manner of time and molecular structure at its most fundamental had been suspended and no one was breathing. buying a Kinder bar for dinner from a spätkauf at 3AM alone at Görlitzer Bahnhof: did that actually happen? was I ever actually there?

[violet--minds-blog]

Awesome Queer Media to Check Out!

Piper Gibson | March 20, 2017

Sorry for the absence (school is kicking my ass but what else is new) but I’m back with another list! This time, I’m cataloging some of my favorite pieces of media with LGBTQ+ characters and plotlines. Of course, nothing is perfect, and all these shows/books/movies/etc. have their problems, but I still think they’re pretty damn cool.

1. Check, Please!

What is it: A webcomic

Who makes it: Ngozi Ukazu 

Why you should read it: Queer boys who play hockey! Lots of pie! Discussions of mental illness and drug abuse! An ensemble cast! Comedy and drama in one! Slow-burn, healthy, communicative, gay relationship!! Confirmed happy gay ending!!! Most of my friends know that I love this comic with my whole heart, and it’s really easy to see why. There’s a character in it for everyone, and they’re all easy to relate to and care about. Personally, I relate so hard to Jack having anxiety and trying to navigate his life and career in the intersection of being mentally ill and queer. No spoilers, but this comic includes the best queer relationship I’ve ever seen portrayed. Don’t get discouraged by the hockey-- I knew nothing about the sport going in and it really doesn’t stop you from enjoying the comic at all! Currently in Bitty’s third year and gearing up for more spring updates, Check, Please is a master of storytelling and will make you laugh and cry. Read it here!

2. The Get Down

What is it: A Netflix Original series

Who makes it: dir. Baz Luhrmann

Why you should watch it: Almost the entire cast are people of color, it’s set in the 1970s and focuses on both the dying out of disco and the arising hip-hop scene, and the performances are incredible. You see this world through young Zeke’s eyes, a complex and talented kid looking to be a part of something bigger than himself and for a community to fall back on. No matter what’s going on, the story never lets you forget these characters are in the middle of the South Bronx in the seventies, fighting for a way out of poverty, strict religious family, or gangs, all while holding on to their passions. The music and the performances of these young actors are what sold me immediately. The queer relationship in it (I won’t spoil it) is lovely and gentle and blooms very naturally. The story, the characters, and the music are the focus, and if you’re like me, you’ll be hooked immediately. The second season just came out this month and it’s incredible but holy shit so intense. Catch it on Netflix!

3. Carry On

What is it: A young-adult novel

Who makes it: Rainbow Rowell

Why you should read it: Did you read Harry Potter and think: “Wow, Harry is super bi. Wow, he’s pretty obsessed with Draco. Wow they could be friends if Harry was sorted into Slytherin WOW THEY COULD EVEN BE MORE THAN THAT!” ...Okay, well this is the book for you. Set in a magic school more different from Hogwarts than you’d think, Simon and Baz are roommates that hate each other. But things are complicated when you’re the chosen one and you think your roommate might be a vampire and there’s an evil something out for you. It’s like Harry Potter except different and more queer people and people of color. Plus a happy ending that’s so, so much better than that “17 years later” shit. If you like gay magical boys and ass-kicking best friends and plot twists, you’ll definitely enjoy this.

4. Fourth Man Out

What is it: A 2016 movie

Who makes it: dir. Andrew Nackman

Why you should watch it: If you’ve been searching your whole fucking life for a queer rom-com like me, this’ll make you immensely happy. The story centers around Adam, who comes out to his mostly clueless friends in his twenties. They’re all a little uncomfortable and shitty at first, but they all grow and learn and by the end of the film have created the kind of caring and casual atmosphere any queer person hopes for when initially coming out to friends. The movie explores those awkward first steps after coming out, including online dating and homophobic neighbors, in a comedic yet respectful way. It’ll make you laugh and it’ll make you care a lot about Adam-- his puppy-dog face just makes you root for him from the beginning. Watch this if you hate that more comedies don’t center around queer themes, and then please recommend me more!!

5. About a Girl

What is it: A young-adult novel

Who makes it: Sarah McCarry

Why you should read it: Okay, maybe you should read the first two books in this series first, All Our Pretty Songs and Dirty Wings, but I read this one first and I think it can stand alone pretty well. There is an abundance of queer people of color in this, a beautiful, mythological storyline, a girl/girl romance, and a main character you’ll fall in love with. This book is so gorgeous to read and so rewarding, and I couldn’t put it down. In fact, I’m due for a reread... good thing I just impulsively bought all three of these so now I OWN THEM. Please, please give at least About a Girl a read, though-- the lyrical, soft nature of it was so incredibly healing and I can’t tell you how much I loved it.

5. Moonlight

What is it: A 2016 film

Who makes it: dir. Barry Jenkins

Why you should watch it: First of all, if you haven’t been following the mess that happened at the Oscars with La La Land being announced incorrectly and this film winning Best Picture, where have you been? I saw this rather recently, I’ll admit, but it blew my socks off. This film is so completely centered on the experience of black queer men, and allows them to be so honest and tender, so complex and multi-faceted, in a way we haven’t much seen in mainstream media so far. We know why this is-- mainstream media is overwhelmingly white, overwhelmingly straight, and wants to put down and silence differing experiences as much as possible, making Hollywood a boring and homogeneous space. But Moonlight has broken through and shown that when these stories are told, and they are listened to, something incredible can happen. 

6. Ask the Passengers

What is it: A young-adult novel

Who makes it: A.S. King

Why you should read it: Holy shit, y’all, I loved this book so fucking much. I reread it a little while ago and it still punches me in the gut just as hard. The book centers around Astrid, a teenager navigating her sexuality, her family, and suffocating small-town life. She’s a philosopher at heart, so nothing comes easy, especially not love-- it’s not as clear-cut as her other queer friends may think. This is a really honest portrayal of figuring out sexuality and Astrid is such a lovable narrator that you just want to bundle her up and let no one else hurt her. The book hit close to home as a queer girl who spent a lot of time figuring out my identity and what it meant to me personally. If you have a similar story, prepare to get emotional.

7. One Day at a Time

What is it: A Netflix original series based off Norman Lear's 1975 series of the same name

Who makes it: Too many directors & executive producers to name! But if you’re a Norman Lear fan, he stayed on to be an executive producer for the remake.

Why you should watch it: The show centers around a Cuban-American family living in California and tackles topics like immigration, religion, sexuality, PTSD, divorce/separation, and more. Elena’s coming out storyline is beautifully and respectfully done and I really appreciate how realistic it is. This show will make you laugh and make you cry, but mostly, you’ll just fall completely in love with the Alvarez family and their story. And they’ve just been confirmed for a second season!! (GET ELENA A GIRLFRIEND!!)

8. The Real O’Neals

What is it: An ABC comedy series

Who makes it: Executive producer Dan Savage

Why you should watch it: Okay, I’ll admit, I have more problems with this show than the others-- namely its consistent biphobia and very few characters of color-- but besides the problems, it’s still hilarious and honest. In the very first episode, Kenny comes out to his conservative, Irish Catholic family in an... explosive way, and what follows is them all trying to figure out how to navigate his identity while still being religious. It’s important to see representation of queer people who keep their faith after coming out; it reminds us that religion and queerness aren’t mutually exclusive. Plus, I love Kenny’s relationship with his siblings, and the fact that his younger sister Shannon is the smartest and most put-together of them all. The show just finished its second season, and as of yet there has been no announcement of a renewal for a third season.

9. The Raven Cycle

What is it: A young-adult novel series

Who makes it: Maggie Stiefvater

Why you should read it: Holy wow, this book series is fantastic. I had no idea what it was about when I read it (because I read it for the gays...), but the story is complex and fascinating. Blue is our narrator most of the time, the daughter of a psychic who has no psychic abilities herself and who lives in a house with a bunch of other awesome psychic ladies. Her life has always been surrounded by magic, but it gets even more magical when she meets Gansey, Ronan, Adam, and Noah, four boys who go to the near Aglionby Academy and are dubbed “Raven Boys” because of the raven on their uniforms. I’m pretty sure shit starts to get Really Actually Gay in the last book, but the entire series is fantastic and well worth a read. If you like ghost boys, dead kings, magical dreamers, and weird curses, this series is for you. It’s recently been announced that there will be a TV show based on the books, and there will also be another book series just about Ronan, so I’m super pumped for those cool things... Unless they ruin the TV show, in which case I will be incredibly disappointed. (In the meantime, though, you can read the first chapter of the first book, The Raven Boys, here!)

10. Yuri On Ice

What is it: An Japanese sports anime series

Who makes it: Creator Mitsurō Kubo, dir. Sayo Yamamoto

Why you should watch it: LISTEN, I’ve never finished an anime before this, because I’m not really that into anime. But this series is about figure skating, has twelve episodes, and is hella gay, so it’s not hard to binge it. (For the love of God, please watch the subbed version if you can, the dub voices give me nightmares.) The story is beautifully done, Viktor and Yuuri’s relationship is stable, loving, and realistic, and the portrayal of Yuuri’s anxiety is so important and made me cry in spots. Plus, it’s really funny and the competition scenes are thrilling as all hell. You can watch the series in literally a day, so what are you waiting for?? Binge it and then listen to the soundtrack on Spotify on repeat while crying, like I did.

11. Brooklyn Nine-Nine

What is it: A Fox-produced police sitcom

Who makes it: A million directors and producers, it’s a comedy sitcom

Why you should watch it: A diverse ensemble cast, comedy that isn’t at the expense of any marginalized group, complex characters, a stable gay relationship, Andy Samberg??? I love this show so much, y’all. To be fair, the main relationship is between a man and a woman, but the captain of the 99th precinct is an openly gay black man who’s in an amazing, loving relationship with his husband. And the relationship between Jake, the main character, and Amy (Spoiler! But you’ll see it coming from a million miles away, promise.) is one of the most delicious slow-burn plotlines I’ve ever seen. And as far as I know, the writers have no intention to break them up for “conflict” (cough cough New Girl cough). In an episode from the current season, a character called something transphobic, which was the first time I’ve ever heard that word on television, and I had to pause and look at my girlfriend in wonder, like “Did he just really say that? Oh my God??” Anyway. Please watch this show. It’s currently in its fourth season, just recently back from its haitus, so go binge it now!

There’s so many more to add to this list (Legend of Korra! Rock and Riot!! Etc etc etc!), but since you now have 11 new (or not-so-new) pieces of queer media to consume, I’ll leave you with that. Till next time!