#Ill end up killing myself because of my fp

[night-city-valentines]

It's the end of the Year, and I played a lot of games, here's my Top 5!

5 - Saints Row (2022)

I grew up with Saints Row The Third, and after SRIV kinda killed the series, I was a little bummed. This new reboot of the series is a return to form. Yes, it has been scaled back considerably from the insanity of the last two entries, but I see that as a given - its a reboot, they're testing the waters to see if there's still an interest in the franchise. For me, there absolutely is. Hopefully we see more Saints Row games soon.

4 - Cult of the Lamb

An incredibly charming and captivating game, Cult of the Lamb combines a management sim with a roguelike dungeon crawler, and it works perfectly. The artsyle is cute, which contrasts perfectly with the Lovecraftian abominations you encounter.

3 - Fortnite

Yeah, yeah, I know. Fortnite didn't come out this year, BUT this was the first time I properly got into it, after the addition of the Zero Build mode. Removing building means that you can pick it up and play a lot more casually - no more skyscrapers appearing when you take a single shot at an opponent. Super fun, and if you've never played Fornite before because you don't want to worry about being behind on building, its worth giving it a go.

2 - Lego Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga

Another series from my childhood with a banger entry this year, TSS let's you play through the stories of all 9 main Star Wars films. The gameplay is almost completely reinvented for this entry, and with the ability to explore planets, do side quests, and invest in skill trees for the different character types, it feels more like a Lego RPG than anything else.

Before my number 1, let's see some Honorable Mentions:

- Metal Hellsinger

A rhythm-FPS set in Hell with a heavy metal soundtrack, Hellsigner is incredible. What makes it a mention rather than a top 5 is the length. I wish it was longer, but as all the songs feature actual metal vocalists, I understand why the game is the length it is. Still! Hope to see Hellsinger 2 at some point!

- Pokémon Violet

Ah, Pokémon...you tried, ill say that. Violet is a testament against yearly releases and crunch, and its sad. It could have been so much better if Game Freak's devs had another year or so to work on the game, but alas. The loop of catching Pokémon is as fun as ever, if not more so with the lack of random grass encounters, and the story is actually pretty good. What lets it down for me is the overall lack of polish, and the fact that it feels like SUCH a Downgrade from Sword/Shield

- Final Fantasy XIV

I've never been one for MMOs, but when my boyfriend let me play on his account for a while, I was hooked. Truly the only reason this isn't higher is because I haven't put all that much time into it. But I WILL!

- Need For Speed Unbound

Sneaking in at the end of the year, NFS Unbound is tons of fun for a racer. I wouldn't go as far as to call myself a racing game fan, but I WOULD say that I love this game. Like FFXIV the only thing keeping this game down is the time I've spent with it - I only played the free trial of it, but if I end up getting the full version at some point I know I'll sink hours and hours into it.

Finally, my Number One Game of 2022 is...

ELDEN RING

I...hated Soulsborne games. I really did. I found them too challenging, too overwhelming. Then my boyfriend bought me Elden Ring. I figured, hey, I'll try it out.

Now I love Soulsbornes.

Elden Ring is the combined genius of Hidetaka Miyazaki and George R. R. Martin, coupled with Fromsoft's trademark combat system.

I have put over 200 hours into Elden Ring. I've completed the story twice. I've made 4 characters, and I STILL don't think I've found everything this game has to offer. Hell, I recently bought the strategy guides for it (which, by the way, requires two volumes to cover all of the content in Elden Ring).

If you like fantasy - try Elden Ring. If you like challenging combat- try Elden Ring. If you like exploring a beautiful world with a complex story - try Elden Ring. It won GOTY at the Game Awards for a reason.

[rabitzzz]

guess ill explain whats up huh

cw for death and suicide and like . genuine traumadumping

my entire life ive really struggled with making friends . not even that , im really charismatic on the surface so i make friends easily . keeping them is a whole different story . its likely because ive never had in depth professional help for my trauma which leads me to be really dependent on others , because professionals have told me i show clear signs of separation anxiety and codependency . its been this way my whole life

this kinda came to a peak in 2018 when i was 16 and finally had a little group of friends online , where a majority of my friends have been for ... forever . we had a discord server for talking and another for rp and we were all super close . one of my closest friends i was closest to was called tobio ( like the hq guy ) and i was friends with him for 8yrs at that point . ive never had a friendship last that long before or since . he was kinda the ringleader of the group snd he was 18 . the oldest person there was a guy called kami and he was 21 or 22 . kami was like my older brother , and he was tobios bf . the other major players in this story are asteria ( 15 ? ) and jay ( 19 )

jay and i met in august when tobio introduced him to the group . i didnt know it then but jay was my first fp , i think . within a week i had developed the biggest most obvious crush in the world and he reciprocated . we ended up dating and to this day he is the ... dare i say he was the only healthy relationship ive ever had , and im sad to admit ive had at least a dozen partners .

a lot happened in that group . something happened that caused a fight between to asteria and tobio , and both of them vented to me . but i was neutral — these were my friends , i wanted them to get along !! i wanted the group to stay together !! but i said something ( " even if tobio was abusive , im just afraid of the others feeling as if they have to make a choice of which side to be on . i dont want that to happen " or something similar . a hypothetical for sure ) to asteria and she took that response out of context , and the friend group split in half between jay / tobio / kami , and asteria and a couple others . i was the ONLY neutral one . out of at least 6 . and i got blamed for everything falling apart .

it was 2 months after i started dating jay when this happened , and we broke up because of it . because he didnt like that i could be friends with someone who accused his lifelong irl friend ( tobio ) of being abusive . during those 2 months , jay wasnt online a single time . and tobio said irl he couldnt find jay either

jay had a job and a dog and lived by himself . it was terrifying for everyone . and again , i was blamed . everyone thought he killed himself after breaking up with me because he always said he couldnt live without me . this was october 8th

jay came back really late september , or really early december . like last day or first day . and we caught up because while he was gone , i would message him updates . sometimes splitting and saying i hated him for disappearing , for scaring me like this . i would send him pretty photography i took walking home from school . i told him how tobio and asteria and the others all stopped talking to me , but that kami stuck around because he was the only one who told me nothing was my fault . jay finally showed me a selfie ( blonde with freckles and hazel green eyes . his eyes were so pretty ) and we talked about us . about how he loved me but the 3 year age gap bothered him so he wanted to wait until i was 17 in april to get back together . we talked about his identity crisis . he got me out of the toxic relationship i had gotten myself into with someone who was way too possessive of me ( and traumatized me sexually despite being 14 / 15 )

jay got me and tobio to be friends again . it was me , jay , tobio , and kami . our group was smaller , but we were together again . i was happy

december 11th . im in class and out of data so i cant be online all day . i finally get around 1pm and see frantic messgaes from jay . typos and full on fear because he thinks tobio killed himself and he cant contact him . asking me if ive heard from him . jay was never frantic . tobio had gone missing in another country and he wasnt this scared before . the messgaes were three hours old and jays offline . i panic and start explaining why i was offline and i hadnt heard from tobio but trying to reassure him . no response . i try calling him on discord . no answer . im crying in my supplementary class because my most important person is stressed and i dont know how to help . if i can .

just earlier that day , before i went to school , he told me he loved me and hed always be there for me .

that was our last conversation .

id never hear from him again .

tobio would come back on the 13th and cut me off entirely . i asked kami and he said to give tobio some time beacause something really bad happened

11 days pass and i havent heard from jay . im upset because this scared me . i didnt want another 2 month disappearance

december 24th . christmas eve . i tell kami im really upset because i havent heard from jay yet since tobios suicide scare

december 24th

8:24pm

kami tells me the " bad thing " that happened

was jay dying .

his last words were for me . tobio told me because kami tried to have us talk things out , to rekindle our 8yr friendship , because we were jays most important people . tobio tells me he hates my guts . he always had . he tried to drop me so many times but i always found him , always clung to him , always annoyed him . he told me i had been too much for jay and thats why he died , because a healthy 19yr old doesnt die in their sleep for no reason . i was too needy , too clingy , too much to " babysit and take care of " , and thats why jsy died

kami broke up with tobio

me and kami drifted apart over the rest of 2019 , not for a lack of trying . too much had happened .

so yeah . this whole thing i have about being so dependent and needing attention is both a result of and a cause of my trauma . ive never learned how to deal with it . thats why ive been so weird for a few months . thats why i get so jealous of healthy friendships and relationships . thats why im hard to get along with sometimes . thats why im in therapy

ill be better one day i think . i hope

sorry ^^;;;

[dollygirl808]

Remember that haha funny time where for literal months of my life I wanted to kill myself to hurt you back for abandoning me? But I couldn't because I was still in love with you and I promised I wouldn't kms and that promise was the only thing I had to hold onto? How my dreams were plagued with you for months because I couldn't get over you, how I slept in your shirt that I stole for 3 months straight every night, telling myself that I was getting over you. How I cried myself to sleep at night and pretended i had my shit together during the day?

How I had a full on panic attack because I convinced myself you were going to be at my driving class and I was ready to waste $300 right there on the spot and I was so delusional I had to text you and ask to make sure you weren't going to be there, and you said you were actually going to the hospital and I was so emotionally numb from the Whiplash all I could respond with was 'oh.' And I couldn't even apologize until the next day.

How it took almost a year and a different fp to talk to you again. How all of that hate just disappeared when you walked into my house that day, and I was so nervous I was literally shaking but it was all fine by the end and it was like none of it had ever happened because you still cared about me as a person, and everything was ok again.

So funny how I still need you now and rely on you even though you abandoned me, but I try and do my best to keep my distance now, trying to pretend that I don't belive ill fuck it up again and we can just stay friends forever.

[teyrnacousland]

Anders Has BPD: a List of Things by Me

Using mostly examples from DAA because DA2 has some Concerning “mental illness is just like ~possession~” type nonsense going on and I don’t want to wade through that. Here we go!

He's hyper empathetic. In the wending woods when he realizes people are dying for nothing and he's just so upset (his tone reminds me of how I feel whenever I accidentally watch/read Bad Things in the news), in Amaranthine he’s absolutely distraught at the thought of leaving even one person behind to die, he risked his freedom to save the life of some Bann when he was 12 years old and freshly escaped and really should have been laying low, pretty much any time someone is hurting he's literally desperate to help them

---Except when it's people who Don't Count. He has zero sympathy for Templars, even joking about the one Templar dying. And he says some pretty awful things to Fenris and Merrill, even when the latter is dealing with something horrible. He’s very black and white about this. Speaking of...

Black and white thinking. Anders is all about Good and Bad. Spirits are Good, demons are Bad. Mages are Good, Templars are Bad. Justice is Good, anger is Bad. Andraste is Good, the Chantry is Bad (he's Andrastian, but even in Awakening he approves of stealing from the Chantry and disapproves of helping it). Saving people is Good, burning a city to the ground is Bad (fun fact, Anders is the only companion who doesn’t approve of that no matter what you say. The others can be convinced. Not Anders. He can just be convinced to give in and accept it, never to agree.) 

---He sorts people he meets into Good or Bad categories too. There is no in between, although there are more extreme versions of the Good box, which are the “I know I just met you but I’m at least 50% madly in love with you” box and the “I would literally die for you, you are the definition of perfection and you can do no wrong” box). 

---Velanna: fellow mage friend, Good. Merrill: Blood mage, demons, Bad. Bethany: mage, related to Hawke, Good. Aveline: guard, married a Templar, Bad.

---I can’t think of an in game example of him splitting (going from total idealization to total  with anyone, but he absolutely would and does trust me I’m an expert. He’s absolutely the type of person who will instantly stop being friends with someone if they make fun of his cat, or if they make One insensitive joke he doesn’t like, or talk to him with the Wrong Tone.

Extreme emotions. When Anders is angry he’s ready to rip apart a half dozen Templars with his bare hands. When he’s happy there are no problems in the world and everything is perfect because he’s free and there’s pie here. (Long term plans? What do you mean long term plans? Things are fine right now?). When he’s sad (which we don’t see so much in Awakening because he’s on an up swing) he’s miserable and hopeless and hides away in his room for weeks on end because there’s literally no point to anything. When he’s in love he’s so in love. (When he’s with Karl he doesn’t even try to escape the Circle, because the Circle and all of its horrors are suddenly bearable because he has Karl. When he loves Hawke, he sees Hawke as perfect and can do no wrong, and Justice is even annoyed by this (at least at first) and sees Hawke as a distraction because Anders can’t stop thinking about them literally all the time). 

Impulsive. He is definitely impulsive. He came back to help you fight an army of darkspawn that just took out every warden and Soldier in the place because he just... wanted to help. You find him hiding around the corner from them because he was likely forced to realize he has no idea what he’s actually planning on doing. Then he agrees to join the Wardens without thinking about it at all. Then he starts a conversation with someone he barely knows by basically saying "So, Jesus is pretty fuckable, huh". The man has no filter or impulse control. 

---He impulsively overshares too. You can tell from the way he answers questions in dialogue and banter that he’d rather joke and deflect than answer personal questions honestly. And yet within like a week of meeting you he’s told you about how he’s run away from the Circle seven times and they kept him in solitary for a year once. One of the first things he says to you is that this Templar used to call him inhuman and that the Templars kick him in the head to wake him up sometimes. And you cannot convince me that any neurotypical person starts a conversation with a complete stranger with “hi, I’ve been abused for most of my life, what’s your name?”

---At least some of his Circle escapes/attempts were likely impulsive. The epilogue says he ran away from the Keep several times but came back which to me implies it’s become one of those “I feel restless and am about to do something impulsive and stupid” things

---One time when he ran away from the Circle he went to Denerim and had an orgy with a pirate

---Even joining with Justice was pretty impulsive and risky tbh. Neither of them really knew what would happen.

Anger. He’s often at least bitter and sarcastic whenever anything even slightly bad happens. If you say something that upsets him or even just reminds him of something that upsets him he either makes a sarcastic quip and gets distant and withdrawn, or he goes into a full on angry rant. Anders was super angry in DAA, and expresses it even in situations where he probably shouldn’t (snarking at the Templar who just said she wants to see him executed, at you (his boss and the only reason he’s not in the Circle or dead right now) even at the beginning when he barely knows you and can’t know how you’ll react to that, etc) like he just can’t hold it in. This anger often comes on pretty suddenly and often vanishes just as fast. 

Gets attached to people so fast. He latches onto Velanna literally as soon as you meet her (he approves of both helping her and recruiting her) and at that point all he knows about her is she’s an attractive angry elven mage who tried to use magic trees to kill you. His banters with her imply it’s at least partly if not mostly because she's a fellow mage (he wants to talk about magic with her!) Also in their banters, he’s more open with her. Nathaniel asks him how the Templars find him and he just snaps “incredibly angry, that’s how” but when Velanna asks about his escapes he tells her that they found him with his phylactery. I’m pretty sure Velanna is the only person he ever actually apologizes to for making a joke to (”(chuckes) I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”). And again, she’s not even very nice to him. He’s attached to her and sees himself as closer to her even when that doesn’t seem to be reciprocated to that level. (He also does this with Hawke in DA2, where he’ll be in love with you even if you’re absolute shit to him.) 

---He gets pretty attached to you (the Warden-Commander) pretty quickly too. 

---Anders is the "he held open a door for me once and smiled at me so now I'm planning our wedding" kind of guy, I think he’s had a bit of a crush on all of your companions at some point tbh (For sure Nate and Velanna and you, and Justice, and probably Sigrun too).

---He falls in love with Hawke almost as soon as they meet too, even if you're horrible and mean to him (Hawke is his FP just saying)(I don’t mean that in a good way I mean it in an unhealthy way that he and Hawke would have to learn to talk through and fix)

Fear of abandonment, absolutely. That’s probably one of the reasons he runs from Vigil’s Keep in the epilogue. Everything’s just too good, it can’t last, something’s going to go wrong and so he might as well be the one to leave because the more he likes it there and likes the people there the worse it would be to lose it all. 

---He keeps people at a distance and acts as charming and endearing as he can, probably curses himself whenever he slips and is honest with people (which is pretty often, see impulsive oversharing) because he wants people to like him and not leave him. 

---(This is why he does the charming thing less in DA2, I think. Because he has Justice. Justice won’t leave him and Justice is always in his head thinking and believing that Anders is good whether people like him or not, and those thoughts are in Anders’ head so they’re calming these fears like subconsciously, if that makes sense?)

Lack of/unstable sense of personal identity. He has no connection to his name as seen by how he just accepted this random nickname as his name from then on, which isn't strictly a BPD thing but it is a feeling I’ve seen a lot of people with BPD relate to. 

---He doesn't really know what he wants to do because he doesn't really know who he is aside from the Circle mage who keeps escaping. If he's not the runaway mage then what is he? 

---And in DA2 he has trouble distinguishing between himself and Justice whereas Justice doesn't seem to have that problem as much (in the Fade it's always very clear when it's Justice vs Anders speaking, because Justice is in control and Justice has a better idea of who's who)

Anyways yeah, Anders has BPD, thanks for coming to my TED Talk. 

[rika-kihira]

Countdown to the dream - Rika Kihira interview with Quadruple Axel

Q: Last season was your senior debut. You achieved a wonderful success. Personally, if you could give yourself a score how many points would you give?

R: I experienced a lot of good and bad things, I think it was a season where I developed my confidence, so about 70 points.

Q: What kind of aspect was not enough for the remaining 30 points?

R: At Japanese Nationals and Worlds I was unable to adjust my boots properly, so I could not perform the programs like I wanted to. But recently I managed to adjust my boots by myself.

Q: That is a big accomplishment. How are you able to grasp something like the feeling of sensitivity?

R: I have been told many times about "sensitivity", but for me it’s more like this kind of feeling “If I can’t jump then I can only switch them” *laughs* On the contrary “I'm not concerned about it”, it’s something that can't be understood. 

Q: So do you experience the same condition while wearing normal shoes?

R: Not at all. When it comes to normal shoes any kind of it would be fine *laughs*

Q: At Worlds, it must have been considerably hard to adjust your boots, right?

R: Yes, I ended up wearing different boots in SP and FP. I used new boots in the SP but they were ill-fitting for me; in the FP I skated using the old ones I usually wore up to that time.

Q: Looks like it would be better if it was a bit improved. This off-season, are there any kind of other activities you are spending your time on?

R: I performed at Stars on Ice, went to Colorado for choreography, I sort of trained every day without resting for even one day. Even though it was called "off-season" the way I am spending the time doesn't change from when I am in the middle of the season. Or more precisely, now I am training much longer than in the middle of the season.

Q: Right now what kind of training are you focusing on?

R: I am setting up the jumps properly for my SP and FP. And then training for 4S and 3A.

Q: And what’s your feeling about the 4S?

R: I think it it’s quite improved. In a sense, even if there was underrotation, I am able to jump it several times in a day. Even when I feel, physically, that in the jump “the rotations right now are off”, the times that I was told that "that one now is a clean jump" gradually increased.

Q: Do you plan to put in the 4S during the season?

R: That's the plan. Right now I am practicing in runthrough by jumping 3S but onwards, I want to successfully put the 4S in.

Q: Looking forward to it. This season's SP, Breakfast in Baghdad is really a great song to dance to.

R: Shae-Lynn presented several programs to me. I wondered if I could express something I have never tried before, and I chose it. The choreo was done efficiently, it is an upbeat and intense program, physically it is pretty exhausting *laughs*. But I think after skating it repeatedly I developed the energy along with it. From now on I want to train with the thought that I strive to do well no matter what song they gave me. 

Q: Looks like there is no time to even take a breather.

R: In previous programs, after I finished a spin there was a moment to take a breather like "huff", but in this SP after the spin ends transitions are inserted so it is a busy program *laughs*

Q: Is it difficult to get the jumps’ timing too?

R: It was really hard at the beginning, it took me about two months to get the timing successfully.

Q: Even the 3A?

R: This is something I realized recently, but, regarding 3A, the percentage of landing it is higher with uptempo songs. At the beginning, I thought “I can't do it, it's too pressing”, but on the contrary in the FP with a slow tempo song, more or less I experienced more difficulties. Before I jump, the longer I hold the set up, I lose control and it’s hard to maintain the axis. Maybe my timing is a bit fast, that's why I think faster tempo suits me more.

Q: It's the first time you collaborate with Shae-Lynn, what are you thoughts on the actual choreo process?

R: The choreo process took time, about 5 days, but it was hard unlike anything I have experienced before. I tried different patterns countless times and because it has many difficult movements I had muscle pain everywhere *laughs*. But she guided me intensely through the detailed parts, I really learned a lot.

Q: What is the reason you requested Shae-Lynn's choreo for this season?

R: I watched Wakaba-chan's (Higuchi) 007 Skyfall and Rika-chan's (Hongo) Kill Bill and thought “Ah, these choreographies are nice”. From the middle of the previous season I was thinking “I want to try it once”, “What happens now?”. As a result it became a new challenge for me, I think it's good that I made that decision. I felt that in those 5 days I got a lesson that changed my own skating.

Q: Since she is a teacher coming from Ice Dance, there are a lot of things that should be learned from her, aren’t there.

R: Really fascinating skills, she is a teacher who has high ideal skating standards. She showed me how to actually use my entire body to perform. I understand it well, it means that “I want to let out that kind of intensity”, it was really manageable.

Q: On the other hand, the FP 'International Angel of Peace' is choreographed by Tom Dickson, what kind of program is it?

R: The songs of several faiths from around the world are used. I am expressing an angel who unifies them, and the theme of the program is 'To Hope for World Peace'. I really like this, even though there are some difficulties, such as the fact that each scenery requires me to portray different movements and expressions.   Q: Turns out it is a program with a heavy theme, in what way was the choreo introduced to you?

R: I was told the tale numerous times, it was conveyed to me that I should view the theme of the program as an important one. The movements to express the anger against war are filled with the thoughts of a peaceful world. There is a meaning in each part of the choreo. I want to express it respectfully. Like in the beginning of Yuzuru Hanyu's Seimei, there is also the presence of Japan in the choreography, matching the arm movements to the sound of Shakuhachi (Japanese bamboo flute).

Q: So the expression also changes according to each song.

R: The means of expression (t/n: on and off ice) are respectively different. Even if you can move your hands and shoulders well on land, you must grasp the balance while doing it on the ice, I think it is really difficult. I want to fill up my training until I can do such moments in the season.

Q: Your programs match the music wonderfully. How do you feel about your own musicality?

R: There are a lot of people who are better than me *laughs*. As for me, like singing the song inside of my head, I think of the movements I want to do on some melody. Since I was young I am conscious of matching my movement with the music. If I was told “this movement for this melody” while getting the choreography, I want to be able to match that melody. Even if I am not told so, I think of “let's match this melody”.

Q: You really have good sensibility to music too. About the costumes, have you decided on both the SP and FP ones?

R: To match the up tempo movements in the SP I think bright colours would be good, so I prepared a red and a blue version. I think the design will give off a mature vibe.

Q: Is it a pants-style costume? 

R: No, it's a skirt. What I was wearing at FaOI was the EX Costume for "The Greatest". The SP costume is not finished yet, so I wore the black pants.

Q: Is that so. What kind of image does the FP costume have?

R: The designer just told me the imagery, the colour is light green with sparkles, it is tailored to match every scenery on that program.

Q: You performed at FaOI with Yuzuru Hanyu. Did you receive any influence from him?

R: There is the collaboration with ToshI. While ToshI was adjusting the music Hanyu-san was standing in the rink and doing some image-building. I can't perform on the actual day without checking practice numerous times. But Hanyu-san can build the image of the program inside his head; I want to learn that aspect gradually. I also want to learn from his ability to focus.

Q: Well then, you also have the ability to focus.

R: My problem lies with my sleep. If I don’t get enough sleep I lack the power to concentrate. It's like, by lacking sleep even the content of my program changes. I'm influenced by the quality of my sleep. The more I think of “I can't fail” “I definitely want to jump it”, I can't sleep well. I must do something for it. I think it would be nice if I can overcome this somehow.

Q: It has been decided that your GP assignments are Skate Canada and NHK Trophy this season. What kind of competition do you want to do?

R: During last season's GP Final in Canada I was able to get a good result and it left a good impression on me; at NHK Trophy there will be no time difference so I think it's nice and it's easy to adjust to. 

Q: What is your goal this season?

R: In any kind of competition, I want to get high scores in both SP and FP, I want this to be the season where I would be able to increase my personal best score. If I can compete at Worlds, I think it would be nice if I can stand on the podium.

Q: Kihira the athlete is aiming for the gold medal at Beijing Olympics. In this moment, do you have any concept, while imagining the things you are going to do?

R: No injuries until the Olympics. I think I want to challenge the Olympics while having a “leeway” in my mind. Taking the completed form (t/n: sort of like her final form) with me during these remaining two years. During the last season (before the Olympics), I think it would be nice if the state of my mind can be more like “a little bit, maybe I can water down the elements of the program” “competitions are fun”. For the sake of that, I think “from now on of how much training I could do, how much experience can I accumulate”. I don’t want to have such days where I feel relaxed like “maybe today I should take it slowly”, I think I want to go through this by staying completely focused.

Q: Are you going to stay on your guard?

R: Losing focus for a little bit leads to injuries. As long as I am skating, by staying focused I can spend my days by thinking of things like “I wonder how I should go through to perform the best program at a competition” I think I must compete with my own self. Q: About wanting to get into your “completed form” in the remaining two seasons, Are you going for the challenge of inserting 4T in next season?

R: I won't have any leeway in my mind if I could not jump two type of quads. The elements of the program will be more flexible and there will be more range of choices, like jumping one type of quad 2 times. I want to complete 4T too, but really I’m not too good at Toeloop, so looks like it would take some time. First I'd like to attempt it while re-evaluating my 3T.

Q: What's the difficulty of the 4T?

R: I can do the rotations, but the axis is off. I think if the axis is straight it can be executed well. There is no other way but to maintain the axis and training to get a higher rate of success. 

Q: Thank you. Lastly, please give your message to the fans.

R: Thank you very much for always giving me a lot of support. This season I'm going to challenge the 4S. Both in SP and FP I will also face a challenge I've never experienced before. I will do my best to have better results than in the previous seasons, and try to improve gradually for the Olympics.

[reject-princess97]

FP Jones 4

*Jughead P.O.V*

I watched as my dad walked to he fridge and grab a beer. He looked down at it, contemplated weather or not he was going to drink it, then put it back.

It had been a month since I caught my dad and my friends sister together and I had told them to end it, It had turned out that their six month secret relationship was a lot more serious that I had first thought because even now, a month later because my dad was a different person.

This wasn't like him, I mean that beer had been in the fridge for months and I hadn't seen him even look at it, but then over the last month, I've seen him do that at least 6 times a day and everyday he puts it back telling him self. 'If you do this, you will ruin everything you worked for for Jughead and Y/n will go down the trash shoot.'

He turned around and looked at me, eyes wide as he closed the fridge and moved to grab a glass of water instead.

"Hey boy, what you doing today?" He asked me and I shrugged.

"Write, maybe go to the Wyrm to see the others." I told him. He nodded and the left the room. I heard him sniffle as he passed me and I almost fell from my chair. He was crying. Why?

I finished up eating and grabbed my bag, shouting bye to my dad and then headed to the Wyrm where I found Sweet Pea and Toni sat at a table.

"Hey guys." I greeted as I sat down. The two looked at me, said hi then went back to there conversation as I pulled out my laptop and began typing.

It wasn't long until I heard another voice join our table and I looked up to see Fangs had joined us. He looked at me and then back to the others, obviously pissed about the whole his sister and my dad thing.

"Sup bro?" Sweet Pea asked Fangs who sat down.

"Not a lot, why do you ask?"

"Bro, I'm you best friend, I know when something is bothering you so spill." Pea demanded. Fangs let out a sigh and looked over at me, then back to Pea and Toni before he began.

"I'm just worried about my sister." He explained. I looked over at him as he continued. "She hasn't left the trailer in a month and I was hoping today I could get her to come kick Pea's ass but she said she wasn't ready to see...you know who yet." He spoke, looking over at me.

"It she really that bad?" Toni asked and Fangs nodded.

"My dad is the same." I interjected. Fangs looked over at me, glaring as Toni waited for me to continue.

"He only leaves to house to work and come here. He won't even look at me for longer than a minute and when he does it's only because I caught him with the beer."

"Wait, he's drinking again?" Fangs asked, sounding worried.

"No, There is this beer in the fridge, it's been there forever but he will walk out of his room, walk over to the fridge, take it out, look at it as if deciding weather or not to drink the he'll put it back."

"Wow, it must be killing him." Sweet Pea noted. I looked at him confused. Sweet Pea rolled his eyes and throw something at me.

"Knowing the girl he loves is 3 trailers down from him but he can't see her because he promised you he'd end it." Toni spoke up.

"You think that's what's wrong, he misses Y/N?" I asked but this seemed to anger Fangs.

"Do not say her name. You are the reason she is so ill." Fangs snapped.

"Y/N's Ill?" Sweet Pea asked concerned.

"Dude, she has barely eaten since she and FP ended thing, she is always crying and today is the first time she has has the strength to move off the couch for anything."

I sat quietly for a while, just listening to when was being said and then I knew what I had to do.

*Y/N P.O.V*

I sat in the trailer I shared with my brother and watched TV. I hadn't been out much since FP and I ended things, I loved FP, but Jughead was right, we couldn't keep sneaking around and the only person who knew was Fangs and he didn't really care, the way he saw it, I was happy and safe so he didn't need to worry.

Being his sister only got me so much protection from the Serpents. Being with FP was a sure thing I was safe because he knew FP would look out for me. If I was being honest, while being with FP the idea of become a Serpent, like my brother had always wanted, was looking more appealing, but when Jughead found out and forced us to break up, I rejected the idea all together.

"Hey, you OK?" He heard my brother ask as he walked into the room and grabbed his keys and phone.

"I'm better today." I smiled up at him from my spot on the couch. "See, only on blanket, I showered thins morning and I'm not watching The Notebook again." I informed him, he let out a chuckled as he sat next to me, putting his feet on the table in front of us.

"I see that." My brother nodded thoughtfully. "So, you ready to actually leave the Trailer yet?"

"Maybe, I might get up and clean my head with a walk." I shrugged.

"A walk to the Wyrm where you can kick Sweet Peas ass at pool because he keeps beating me and he's getting cocky about it." My brother offered and I shook my head.

"Not yet Fangs, I...I'm not ready to see him yet." I told him and he nodded, understanding. It had been a month sure, but the pain felt like it only happened yesterday and seeing FP would kill me.

"OK, well, be safe of you decide to go out and I'll call you later." He smiled as he kissed me forehead and stood up.

"You do realise I'M the adult, right?" I asked him swatting him away from me, laughing.

"Well, I just like making sure you're OK." He shrugged as he reached the door. "Love ya sis."

"Love you too bro." I replied before he left. I let out a sigh and stood up, clearing away the blanket and walking into my bedroom. I changed into a pair of shorts, as it was still warm out, even though there was predicted rain later, I didn't care much. I threw on an old, worn out 'The Killers' t-shirt and I grabbed on of Fangs' hoodies before I pulled my van's on and I grabbed my keys and phone.

I left the trailer, put my headphones in and played my music as I took a walk to Pop's (going the long way round so I didn't have to pass the Wyrm) where I grabbed a shake to go then took a slow walk back, walking past all the places FP had taken me on dates and secret meetings. It hurt to think about him, but it wasn't like I could avoid the place he took me. We mostly stayed in the Southside so everything reminds me of him. I turned into the Trailer park and shuffled my way to my door but stopped in my tracks when I saw somebody stood there.

"Jughead?" I called out as I took a step forward.

"Hey, Y/N." Jughead waved sheepishly as I stepped passed him and unlocked my door.

"Fangs is at the Wyrm, he left an hour or so ago." I told him as I walked through the door and turned to see him.

"That's not why I'm here, I need to talk to you." He told me and I looked at him confused.

"Jug, I can't I'm...I..." I began, struggling to explain but I just couldn't get the words out.

"Five minutes. Please?" He begged and I nodded, letting him in and closing the door behind us. I put my phone and keys on the table and I sat down.

"So, what can I do for you Jughead?" I sighed, I wasn't ready to deal with any of the Jones men right now. I need time from both of them but apparently Jughead wasn't bothered.

"I need to ask you something." He told me and I nodded.

"Do you still love him?" He asked me and I looked it him, both shocked and confused.

"W..what?"

"My dad, do you love him?"

"Jughead, this isn't approptiate, you need to go." I told him, standing up. I could feel the tears build in my eyes as he shook his head.

"No, Y/N, I need to know. Do you still love my dad?"

"Yes Jug, I do." I sighed giving up.

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why do you love him?" I thought for a second, trying to think of the perfect reason but only on thing came to mind."

"Because...he's FP. He's himself."

"I don't understand?"

"Your dad has been nothing but himself with me, from the very beginning. He never lied to me, he never held back the truth because he didn't want to hurt me and he has never let me be anything but myself." I explained.  "I knew who he was when we started this thing and it never bothered me. In fact, he was the reason I stayed in Riverdale and took in Fangs after out parents left." I told him, my eyes stinging from the tears.

"I want another reason." he demanded calmly and I nodded.

"OK, well...he cares about you, he sorted his life out because of you and he asked for my help because he was too scared to ask you. He didn't want to let you down again, he never cared about what anybody thought about him except you and that's why I fell in love with him in the first place. I've never seen a man care about his kid so much. Especially in this town." I chuckled sadly as a lump formed in my throat.

"So you never cared he had kids?"

"I didn't care he was a dad no, only that he treated his kid right. With Jellybean, he didn't get chance to but you, he got better for you."

"Why else?"

"Jughead, please, stop, I can't anymore, it hurts to think about him." I sniffled sitting back down on the couch and wrapped my arms around my legs.

"I just need one more reason." He sighed as he sat my me. He grabbed my hand in his  comfortingly and I sighed.

"I just do Jughead. There are a million reasons why shouldn't I love FP but there are a million and one reasons why I do anyway. That isn't a good explanation, I know that but I just don't know how to tell you other wise. I love him Jug with everything I am and I have died everyday we've been apart."  I sniffled. "He makes me happy."

Jughead sat there for a second and the stood up, pulling me with him.

"Come with me." He demanded, I tried to resist but he just kept on going. He took out his phone and texted someone then he climbed on his bike.

"Come on, we need to go." He told me and I sighed, climbing on the back of his bike, knowing there was no point in arguing. I held on tight as he drove off, pulling up outside of the Wyrm.

"Jughead, what are we doing here?" I asked as I climbed of the bike. I had my back to the bar so when I heard the doors open and closed I paid no attention until I heard my name.

"Y/N?"

I stiffened at the sound of the voice. It sounded broken and rough but it was still unmistakable.

"Jughead?" I looked at the young boy who smiled sadly and then he turned me around to face FP. I saw Fangs and Sweet Pea stood in the doorway of the bar, both watching me.

"Dad, I'm sorry." Jughead started as he took a step forward. "I was wrong to force you hand. I was upset and angry. I...I'm sorry." Jughead began. FP kept his eyes on my as his son apologised.

"Look, I was worried that this relationship was going to end badly for you and that you would fall back into old habits and I wanted to protect you." Jughead continued. "I realised that Y/N is the reason you're doing so good. She's helped you all this time and kept you on track."

"Yeah, she's been a huge help." FP shrugged, still not taking his eyes of me.

"You love her, don't you." FP only nodded and Jughead smiled.

"Then, I need you to tell her. She needs to hear it."

"What?"

"Dad, I'm telling you I'm OK now. This last month has been hard for you and I hate that I did this. So I want you to tell Y/N you love her. I want you to tell her all the reasons why you love her and I want you BOTH to realise how stupid I was and then be happy together." Jughead demanded before he walked off. I saw him, Sweets and Fangs walk inside and I looked back at FP.

"You look..."

"Cold?" I asked and he shook his head.

"A mess?"

"I was gonna say tiny. What happened?" He asked concerned as he stepped forward.

"I guess I've not been taking care of myself since we...ended things." I admitted.

"I'm sorry."

"It was a mutual break up Jones, You wanted to keep Jughead happy and I wanted you to be happy with Jughead." I reminded him.

"It been the worst month of my life." He admitted as he finally reached me and placed a hand on my cheek. I felt a couple drops of water fall from the sky but I ignored them.

"Trust me, I know." I smiled up, leaning into his hand.

"I love you Y/N, more than I've ever loved somebody before." He blurted out. I smiled up at him as the rain began to fall heavier.

"I love you too FP so god damn much."

"Do you think we should listen to the boy?" He asked as he stepped closer.

"He is a smart kid, that son of yours." I shrugged.

"Seems to be right a lot." FP chuckled as I leaned in closer.

"Has a lot of good ideas too."

"Exactly." Then his lips where on mine and it was like electricity coursed through us. Fireworks exploded and I got weak at the knees.

Kissing FP was everything I needed to feel myself again. It was as if every bad feeling I had felt this past month had washed away in the rain. I had missed this, so much and I didn't care who knew it. I loved FP Jones and I never wanted to be apart anymore.

"Wow," We both breathed as we pulled away from the kiss, wide grins on our faces.

I didn't say anything more, I just wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tight.

"Y/N, you need to get inside, you're gonna get ill." FP sighed as he kissed the top of my head.

"Just, give me a minute. I don't want to move just yet." I chuckled into his chest. I heard FP chuckled then he bent down and lifted me up, making me squeal a little.

"I'll just carry you in then."

I suddenly felt him moving and the the rain stopped as he walked into the bar. He placed me back down on my feet and I look around to see everybody was looking at the two of us. I hid my face in FP's chest as he pulled his jacket off.

"Here, take the hoodie off." He ordered and I did as I was told. I pulled the jacket and as FP was about to wrap his jacket around me Jughead called over.

"She might want to try this one." I turned around to see Toni stood by him, holding a jacket.

"Why?"

"Because it's yours." Jughead told me taking the jacket from Toni and walking over to me. "If you want it that is."

I looked around the bar to see everybody watching me. Fangs stood by Toni and Pea, smiling wide, nodding and giving me the thumbs up. Toni smiled and I turned to FP who shrugged.

"It's your choice babe." he smiled down at me and I nodded.

I grabbed the jacket and pulled it on as everybody in the bar cheered and I was handed a drink.

"Welcome to the family Y/N." Jughead smiled and hugged me. "and I don't just mean the Serpents." He whispered. I smiled as he pulled away and I turned to FP who grinned down at me.

"You look hot in a serpents jacket." he growled as he lent down and kissed my neck.

"Well, how bout we head back to my place, we can get a better look?" I offered and I saw a fire in FP's eyes that I had seen a million times before.

"God yes..Fangs, you can crash at my place tonight with Jughead!" FP called over to my brother then he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the bar.

Masterlist

[textsfromtheborderline]

Q: I'm destroying my relationship because my bf has become my fp. I'm freaking out over him not responding in time, him not answering my calls, after I texted him million texts. My relationship is going downhill and so is my mental health. And I'm the root cause. I'm destroying him too. I'm the worst. I'm despicable. I hate myself so much I started cutting again. I started therapy last week but idk. Do you know how I can make him stop being my fp? Idk how to maintain a healthy distance :( thank you

A: im pretty sure this is a really old ask at this point so im SO sorry for my late response.

first of all: you’re not the cause of the issues, and you shouldnt blame yourself. if any issues are coming from your side it’s the fault of the disorder, not you. as people with bpd, we need to learn to separate ourselves from our disorder if we ever hope to recover. if you’ll notice from my answers across the blog overall, i never refer to us as “borderlines” but rather “people with bpd.” we are not defined by our illness and we can get better. we can recover. we are so much more than a simple disorder and we cant let it control our lives.

i had the same problem with my ex. he was my everything. he was my fp and it killed me when we broke up (even though by the end i wanted to break up also, i just wanted to do it on my terms and when he broke up with ME i ended up positively devastated). my advice is to find a life that belongs to you. a life that is separate from him. 

what did you like doing before you met? did u read? did u draw? did u write? did u paint? did u focus on schoolwork? did u research random facts? did u run? did u dance? did u knit? did u explore? what were ur interests? focus on those. find something that can help u to remove urself from him. he wasn’t ur everything before u met, which means he doesn’t have to be ur everything now.

i remember w my ex (who was the strongest fp relationship i ever had) i was terrified that if i gave him space, he would realize he liked it and he would break up with me. im not gonna lie, in the end, thats what happened. but when i gave him space and he liked it, i realized i liked it too. i wanted my own space. i wanted to be my own person away from him. the only reason i didnt leave first was bc i wanted to wait till after i graduated (we broke up on may 3rd and i graduated on may 17th, so we rly were on the same page there). 

idk where u two are at in ur relationship (esp bc im answering this so late), but the best advice i can give u is to focus on the things u love that aren’t him. maybe u want to share those things with him! and thats amazing! 

but u shouldnt completely turn urself into someone who only likes what he likes. u deserve so much better. follow ur heart and chase after what YOU love. he fell in love with THAT person, and if u can focus on being that, not only will ur relationship thrive, but YOU will thrive.

chase after what you want. chase after the things that make you smile. the people who are worth it will see your joy, your sunshine, your laughter, your light, and they’ll do anything, everything, to keep that around them. 

you deserve only the best. if your fp doesn’t see/acknowledge that...they dont deserve to be your favorite person.

-sydney

[bpd-italy]

me: i have 8/9 symptoms of bpd and the one symptom i don’t have is one i don’t even have access to because i’m only sixteen and i want to go to therapy so i can get a proper diagnosis and hopefully get treatment so i can stop ruining my own life and feeling like shit everyday.

my parents: no u just need to go outside and get some fresh air!!! u dont have bpd ur too sweet n innocent to have bpd everyone knows people with bpd are crazy psychos uwu ur normal precious baby girl just read the bible god will help u <33333

me, describing an in depth bpd symptom i have to my parents that Normal People do not deal with:

my parents: oh everyone does that honey!!! you’re normal stop trying so hard to have problems!!! not everything needs a label!!!!!

oh gee it’s almost fucking like the reason i’m so persistent on naming things is because i RECOGNIZE I HAVE A PROBLEM AND WANT TO FIX THE PROBLEM SO I CAN ACTUALLY TRY TO ENJOY THE LAST TWO YEARS OF MY CHILDHOOD I HAVE SINCE I DIDN’T GET TO WHEN I REALLY WAS A CHILD

i can literally tell my mom until im blue in the face how i have all these bpd symptoms like splitting, black and white thinking, abandonment issues, uncontrollable emotions, mood swings, fps, feeling wrong and evil, chronic feelings of emptiness, recklnessness, oversharing, spontaneous suicide attempts and self harm, paranoia, obsession with literally anybody who shows me kindness, etc. but she’s just like “oh honey youre just normal not everything needs a name!!!!!!!!!”

like oh ok i guess we dont fucking need a name for breast cancer since it’s just cancer and it’s not like it makes it easier to identify things by giving them names right???? yep mental illness consists of only depression and anxiety nothing more there’s only two categories yep uwuwuwuwu

it’s not like i lost my best fucking friend who i trusted with my life and then left me with even more trust issues and tried to kill myself three times in one week because of my bpd symptoms or anything!!! it’s not like i’ve been cutting since i was ten fucking years old and need more than just a bottle of medication and sunlight to fix my fucked up brain and years of being told i’m wrong and should die until i was convinced they’re right and genuinely can’t learn to love myself

nope it’s just depression and anxiety cause everyones got depression and anxiety and nothing else fucking matters

oh and how about next time i try to talk to you about my ocd you dont fucking go “oh honey everyone does that!!!”

no mom not everyone has fucking intrusive thoughts about having sex with children or elderly people thats NOT FUCKING NORMAL THATS WHY ITS A MENTAL DISORDER HAVING A GROSS THOUGHT SOMETIMES IS NOT THE SAME AS HAVING CONSTANT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS THAT YOU KNOW YOU HATE BUT CAN’T PUSH THEM AWAY AND END UP CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR TO ACCOMODATE TO THE THOUGHTS OR ELSE ~SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN~ OR ~THE THOUGHTS WILL BECOME TRUE~

but no you’re neurotypical as they fucking get so it doesn’t matter what i say your psychology degree means shit in this situation and you don’t seem to get that you can’t be a therapist to a person you already know :///

my medication helped my ocd tremendously but nothing has happened to help my bpd symptoms. i haven’t even gotten a fucking diagnosis so for all i know it could be something else but i’m literally 99% positive it’s bpd and i want. fucking. therapy. some kind of medication to fix my mood swings may help but it won’t magically fucking fix my brain.

and my dad’s convinced i just need to talk to him and don’t need therapy bc “he had it worse” and “knows more pain than me” and other utter fucking superior complex bullshit why do you think i dont fucking talk to either of y’all you think since you were physically abused somehow you have it worst and nobody else is allowed to hurt lmfao if you really knew pain youd know that pain isn’t a fucking competition

all my mom does is blame the fucking computer like yes the computer contributed to my problems. 3+ fucking years ago. taking it away now doesn’t mean fucking shit it’ll just make me even more isolated than i already am since i’m fucking homeschooled and have no goddamn friends and severe social anxiety.

[kittycat-plisetsky]

Mental Disorder Analysis of Killing Stalking

I did a bit of a project (for school) here where I analyze the actions in Killing Stalking from the perspective that Yoon Bum and Oh Sangwoo are mentally ill individuals. I attempt here to explain and defend the characters, as well as try to educate the fandom to alleviate hate rooted from ignorance. I’ll share a preview tand then add the rest under a read more bar; I went a tad overboard. 

So maybe you’re a fan of Killing Stalking. Maybe you’re an anti. Maybe you’re a closet fan who’s ashamed to admit having a liking for the manga. For me, upon my first interaction with the fandom, I’ll admit it, I was nearly repulsed, but I’ve come a long way since that time and become an active member in the fandom, and even cosplay! After some consideration, I’ve realized the themes presented here aren’t much different from any crime-themed tv show, like Criminal Minds or something similar. Then I began to question myself and why I was even an anti to start off with, and the answer to that boiled down to ignorance. Upon a first glance, it isn’t hard not to view this simply as a toxic relationship that gets its readers off on some BL sadomasochism about a killer and, who I assumed at the time to be a kidnapped boy, who gets tortured. That’s simply not what this manga is, and it’s belittling to pass it off as much. If you know of killing stalking, you can bypass the next paragraph, but through my little ramblings here I’m hoping to defend this manga for what it is and to explain to you all (whether you’re a fan or an anti) some realistic reasonings for the actions/reactions of these characters centered around some potential mental illnesses here at play. The creator and these boys need some defending in this fandom, and so do us fans (who some of you, like me, I’m sure have been told we’re gross, need to kill ourselves, etc. We deserve more credit 😉 )

Killing Stalking is a psychological thriller manga with one protagonist being a stalker, and the other a killer, as the name suggests. Our first protagonist, Yoonbum, is a man in his late twenties who stalks his crush Oh Sangwoo, who he met in the military and later during his time in college. Yoonbm excessively follows his crush on social media and spends months trying to unlock Sangwoo’s house passcode. Upon entering the code correctly, Bum enters the home, where he discovers a naked woman bound and gagged, struggling to free herself. Panicked, Bum tries to help, but is then found by Sangwoo, and confesses his love before being pushed down the stairs, knocked unconscious, and later wakes with broken legs. Rather than ending Bum’s life, Sangwoo spares his life, keeping him in the basement for some time before allowing him upstairs, and eventually out of the house, though he’s kept close. As the story progresses, the two characters, in my way of seeing, develop a sort of symbiotic relationship with each other. Bum feeding off of his theorized love with Sangwoo, and Sangwoo feeding off the power he has over Bum. Thinking about it; these two need each other.

Now the above mentioned point, the theory of their symbiotic relationship, is often the basis for the fans to send their ships sailing, thinking, “clearly their in love”. Sure, why not, Sangwoo spares Bum’s life but murders others, treats his wounds, kisses him, and Bum still pines for Sangwoo and tries to please him, not to mention their physical moments together, but a story this deep deserves a deeper insight. Plus, the author herself said she hasn’t intended their relationship to be viewed as romantic. So instead, through my rather messy thoughts, maybe I can guide you into your start of deeper thinking based on real life mental disorders that should be considered here. This explanation should help you realize why Sangwoo and Bum’s relationship isn’t simple enough to be viewed as “traditionally romantic” but also I really wish to address fan’s individual outlooks on these characters and defend their characters for what they’re written as: mentally ill (I’m not knocking shippers here; ship what you want. I myself ship their theoretical existence, though I understand in canon it can’t be viewed that simply).

    To begin, the words Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) appear in the first season of the manga, already giving insight to one of the disorders that Bum possess. Though I plan to cover a few disorders in this post, for the sake of my analysis I’ll be showing evidence for BPD as well as psychosis at the same time, as psychosis is a symptom versus an illness. Many people with BPD have the symptom of psychosis (psychforums.com), and in the case of Yoon Bum, I believe this to be true. For starters, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, BPD is defined as “a mental illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior” with symptoms such as impulsive behaviors, self-harming behaviors, problems controlling anger, feelings of dissociation, and a distorted/unstable image of oneself (NIMH). Psychosis then is a delusional disorder, characterized as disruptions to a person’s thoughts and perceptions that make it difficult for them to recognize what is real and what isn’t. Found from a discussion online, it isn’t common for stalkers to suffer from psychosis (aminoapps.com). Though right off the bat you may recognize Bum as possessing qualities from both of these, I’d like t point out too that for those who have BPD, it isn’t uncommon for them to have a favorite person (FP), which in Bum’s case would be Sangwoo.

Looking at BPD from the standpoint of someone who suffers with the disorder, one person reports having issues with obsessing over people, “almost to the point of stalking them” (medhelp.org), and in relation to how someone with the disorder views an FP, their FP is their everything. To quote someone that this applies to, having an FP is “dangerous. It’s needing someone so bad it’s physically painful when they leave. It’s apologizing for every tiny thing because you don’t want to give them a reason to leave you (TheMighty.com), or “[that FP] is sometimes all I can think about. Male or female. I think about them 24/7 romantically or like a friend, but that person just becomes so perfect and put on a pedestal” (medhelp.org). The above quotes can all sympathize with Bum, especially if we’re choosing to look at Sangwoo as his FP. From chapter one, we’re shown that Bum obsessives over Sangwoo; stalks his social media, watches him on the train, and even fantasizes about him sexually, wondering “how he would have sex”. Through internal monologue we see how Bum views him; perfect, while noting “his empathetic, considerate, gentle aura”. Even after being hit by Sangwoo, he recalls his perfect image of his crush, noting, “The Sangwoo I know is a much more considerate person.”

               Because those with Borderline Personality Disorder have troubles or inabilities regulating their emotions, Bum has a hard time maintaining his image of Sangwoo and is often caught having many back and forth emotions. He’s caught up on his love one moment, and during the next, he’s trying to convince himself that he hates him. Of course, things get harder on Bum when we realize that Sangwoo too is emotionally unstable, but we’ll talk about him later on.

         For those with BPD, “relationships build quickly and intensely. They are unable to see the faults of their partner” (borderline-personality-disorder.com). This isn’t surprising; Bum’s always had troubles seeing the faults in his crush. Even upon discovering Sangwoo was a murderer, he apologizes, realizing he’s upset him, and takes blame for the situation. He resorts back to his idealized image of Sangwoo after remembering the reasons that he fell in love with him, claiming to love him despite the current situation he’s in. Not only that but he even confessed repeatedly to liking Sangwoo as he’s being assaulted, calling out, “I like you” over and over even as Sangwoo shouts at him to shut up. He’s unable, in many situations to see the faults that Sangwoo has (even though Sangwoo’s faults are pretty extreme). Recall too Bum questioning the police, asking “could you kiss somebody like me? Could you love somebody like me?”, etc. To him, he doesn’t view himself to be likable by anyone but Sangwoo, as he truly believes that Sangwoo has feelings for him.

    If, as I suspect, Bum also suffers from psychosis, his inability to regulate his feelings for Sangwoo could be amplified. This could explain why he can’t quite rationalize what is real about their relationship and what isn’t (or any of his relationships, for that matter). Below, remember when he was under the impression that him and his female classmate were dating when she removed her shirt in front of him? And then he believed that all along he and Sangwoo were dating when Sangwoo said such a thing to the police.

 Psychosis in Bum’s case not only prevents him from knowing what reality is in terms of his relationships with others, but it also alters his perception of the reality surrounding him. Psychosis can cause hallucinations and delusions. Hallucinations aren’t new to him, just recall the hallucination of dead bodies in Sangwoo’s washing machine, the hallucination that made him see Sangwoo murdering him on the kitchen floor, and he even hallucinated that the Jieun was the girl from his past during his fist semi-forced murder.

Since psychosis is a delusional disorder, it’s also known that those who suffer from it may believe that events or objects hold personal meaning or significance. Going back into Bum’s past again with his female friend, remember that he held personal meaning to objects that he otherwise should feel no connection to, objects that simply belonged to her. He’s stolen not only her bra, but her nail polish, and because he had such a connection with these items, used them to calm himself down when he would go into mood shifts.

                 He’s mentally ill, and because of these disorders that alter his reality, he lives unaware of his problems. So, no, he isn’t stupid. To him, he’s doesn’t think his thought processes are out of place. In the first chapter, he claims that it’s complexly normal to stalk his crush and to want to know everything of his personal life. In regards to his obsessive behaviors and his kleptomaniac actions, he’s convinced it’s “because of love” over and over.

 Though Borderline is the confirmed disorder at play here (and we can find many more examples to agree with it) it’s not a bad idea to toy around with some other possibilities. Other disorders are very likely in the cases of these characters and can help you reason with their actions. Take Stockholm syndrome for example. Stockholm syndrome is a condition that causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy during captivity…Victims of the formal definition of Stockholm syndrome develop "positive feelings toward their captors and sympathy for their causes and goals, and negative feelings toward the police or authorities" (Wikipedia).

       I’m sure you all remember this scene here, where the police officer tries to come to the rescue, yet Bum crawls away and keeps himself hidden. Or even the part where he chooses being back with Sangwoo over admitting to the police that he is need of some help. However in the case of Stockholm syndrome the positive feelings are rooted to the idea of survival, “captives often fear that their affection will be perceived as fake, they eventually begin to believe that their positive sentiments are genuine” (Wikipedia). Though I believe BPD is a bit more of Bum’s situation versus Stockholm syndrome, I think it’s worth a mention whilst defending Bum, anyways.

Though I haven’t really heard this one talked about prior to my mental disorder research for this analysis, I think Obsessive love disorder is worth a mention. Obsessive love disorder (OLD) is an extreme form of love that transcends into an obsession over time. It is characterized by an unhealthy attachment towards someone and can be triggered off by many factors such as anxiety, insecurity, and vulnerability (Buzzle.com). OLD is very similar to Borderline Personality Disorder, attachment disorders, and even erotomania, and so this could easily apply to many of my examples in the BPD paragraphs above. However, “depending on the intensity of their attraction, obsessive lovers may feel entirely unable to restrain themselves from extreme behaviors such as acts of violence toward themselves or others” (Wikipedia). Though we see that Bum has had self-harming instances in the past due to his living situation, we see the return of self-harm when Sangwoo was unpleased with these stories of his past. Bum spirals, feeling worried about the reaction and he quickly tries to make Sangwoo feel better, yelling at him to take it out on him physically. Sangwoo remains unresponsive, and Bum resorts to self-harm using a knife on the countertop, while shouting and sobbing that he knows he is disgusting.

                    Though my main focus here seems to be on Yoon Bum, it’s definitely no surprise that Sangwoo would fall into some mental disorders of his own. I’ve read fan discussions claiming that he too suffers from BPD, but I think too that he has psychosis, and sadistic personality disorder. Yes, that last one is a thing. “Sadistic personality disorder (SPD) can be defined as a type of personality disorder in which an affected individual inflicts sadistic, cruel, manipulative, aggressive and demeaning behavior on others. Violence and abusiveness are the hallmarks of the social relationships of a sadist. Such people lack empathy and concern for other individuals and derive pleasure by hurting or humiliating others” (hxbenefit.com). This shouldn’t need much textual evidence, as this is practically a description of the character as a whole. Backing up to psychosis, which remember is a delusional symptom, it wasn’t uncommon for Sangwoo to hallucinate or become delusional when panicked. For example, remember when he carried Bum’s fainted body to his bed to tuck him in?

    He becomes delusional, hallucinating that his mother is outside of the door, telling him to clean up his messes downstairs. His hallucination of his mother becomes angry and she rattles the door handle viciously, screaming at him. Then, he even hallucinates that Bum (who in reality is passed out beside him) raises his head to remind Sngwoo that he’s becoming his father.

               So now to reiterate my point; these characters are not dumb. They are not “asking for it”. Bum is not a “creepy, gross attention whore”, but he has trouble regulating his emotions and has a hard time grasping a distinction on his reality. One of the largest reasons for hate in this fandom is ignorance to the reality and depth that this story possesses. Especially to younger fans, who simply were seeking some twisted BL, it is important to consider this story in terms of our mentally ill paired protagonists as honestly being mentally ill. Because this story is talked up as “horror yaoi”, many people aren’t aware or don’t consider the seriousness that this story aims to share. This is why there is a “you’re gross”, “go kill yourself” stigma on readers of Killing Stalking. Instead, us readers should be viewed as readers of a psychological thriller who analyze and respect the depth here for what its intended to be. The romanticizing and narrow-minded interpretation of this storyline is what causes so much hate and controversy. I’d love to see more serious consideration and in-depth analyzation going on in the fandom to remove the stigma that us fans are nasty, twisted, or gross.

               I hope this was easy enough to follow and that you’ll give this story another read-through with these points in mind, and even change your outlook with the soon release of season 3. Let’s work to defend the author, these boys, the storyline and us fans with some knowledge! Also, again, disclaimer that I’m no professional nor am I “attacking” anyone with these disorders. Remember too though that psychosis is one of my most prominent beliefs here (so even if you suffer from BPD for example, without psychosis some of this may not sound accurate in terms of your own self).

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

May 23/22

TW>Suicide

Today has been more than a struggle. I haven’t been able to think straight from the moment I woke up. Woke up with the hope, the expectation of going to my moms. That didn't happen. She got busy, im too chicken, well not chicken but to afraid to ask her anything and get told no, because all one heard my entire life was no. So the fear that continues to stay is “no”. 

So we didn't go. When my fiancé said she was busy and wouldn't message and ask if we could still come over. I shut down. and more than just shut down. I had a manic episode. 

The day was full of tears and wanting to end everything. Over not going to my moms? yes and no. My emotions are so very intense that I can't process them regularly anymore, they are all so overwhelming. 

My immediate thoughts went to she hates me, doesn't want me around, regrets agreeing to become my mom. This is obviously not the case. I make her cry seems almost daily because my words are very harsh and one person can only hear someone they love wants to kill themselves so many times before it becomes too much. 

I left my home. Drove. No destination. No place to go. I told my fiancé I would be back. I text my mom goodbye and just left. I ended up at the beach. The water was always a calm place for me. My uncle had jumped over a waterfall almost a year ago and killed himself, so the water hasn't quite been the same. I sat at the water, wondering if I could go like that too. Seeing my uncle and 2 grandfathers again, giving up on the pain, not hurting anymore. 

I couldn't get myself to commit though. As much as I thought and wanted to just quit, I thought about my fiancé, our animals, our future. I thought about my mom and how ive barely had anytime with her. Ive wasted 20 years without her, why would I want to lose out on anymore...it just doesn't make sense.. 

Now thankfully my fiancé is not my problem with bpd anymore, it has all become my mom. She's my fp, im jealous that her kids get to be with her all the time, see her all the time, and it hurts more than words can express that im not. 

Im not there all the time, as much as I wish I was. She's my safe place, my happy place. Home is created within people, not a standstill place. My fiancé is my home. My mom is my home. but how can I fix my feelings from relying on her so much. I don't want to rely on her for everything...

I don't think my feelings will change until I have my own children. Right now, I have all the time to wait for a text, or a call, or to be invited.  How many times can one ask to come over before its too much?  I would be out there every weekend if it was my choice.  I feel so intensly happy and as if nothing can hurt me when im out there.  I feel safe and secure, Her hugs are within arms reach when I need them.  Well...maybe one day ill be able to ask the questions when I need to. Maybe one day ill be able to accept her love fully and not hurt her anymore. I hope that I can figure it out all soon.  Catch you on the flip side ~B

[if-u-seek-jamie]

A cry for help? No... I have the self control and I’m safe.  A cry for love and attention? Yeah, that sounds more like me lol I do way too much for attention.

This whole post is a major TW/CW for self-harm, depression, anxiety, BPD (and FPing), PTSD, mental illness, suicide, hospitalization, sex, sexual assault, abuse/intimate partner violence, trauma, substance abuse

I’m pouring my heart out and opening up more than I usually do on Facebook.  I’m feeling... desperately alone and misunderstood these days.  I basically am gonna spill everything going on in my brain EXCEPT for things that I am still ashamed of and keep secret.  LOL yeah, with everything I am comfortable being open talking about, I STILL have secrets.  Can you believe that?!  Me neither...  I’m also going to talk about some specific people in this post, as well, but as per my style of hiding/protecting identities, a lot of them are gonna be named “Bobbert,” “Bobbert 2,” “Bobbert 3,” etc., regardless of gender, because that is what I call everyone when hiding their identities.  There will also be names that I don’t protect, like Sara and Ivan, etc.

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I have pretty good self-control lately.  I don’t know, I don’t think I will actually hurt myself.  But wow, I keep getting the urge to.

Wow, I’ve barely posted anything but selfies on here in ages.  wh00ps.

I’m pretty open about the fact that I have mental illnesses on Facebook.  I’m an open book, everybody knows.  But I think I keep it kind of tame, and sometimes make jokes about it.  Like “lol I think I have a makeup addiction hahahaha can’t believe the people at Ulta don’t know who I am by now!”

It’s not a joke, though.  I have no idea how to cope with life.  I just.... overspend and overspend and overspend on makeup.  I go to Ulta just about every day if I don’t have the late shift at work, if I don’t have plans.  I’m just like “I need to get out of the house and makeup makes me feel pretty and makes me feel happy so I’m going to use that as an excuse to leave the house and go buy more.”  And I can’t stop.  And when I’m at home, I spend a good amount of time watching makeup videos on YouTube and reading through threads in Makeup groups on Facebook to come up with other products to buy.  I just cannot stop.

And eating.  I just keep overeating.  “I’ll save leftovers for lunch at work tomorrow.  hahahaha jk I’m gonna eat the whole thing now.  And then I’m gonna cook more food.  Midnight runs to the supermarket for some ice cream?  You bet!”  The binging is definitely real.  I’m glad I haven’t relapsed on the purging, though I get the urge.

I keep getting the urge to cut myself.  It has been over a year since I’ve done it and I hope I don’t give in.  But, oh my god, I have had the biggest urge to do that lately.  And I accidentally cut myself shaving last week while I was having these urges the most and that just made me want to do it more, but I also think it satisfied the urge at the same time?  I don’t even know.  I’ve also gotten the urge to get high but I refuse to ever let myself fall back down that hole.

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When I began high school, I was bitter.  I was very very bitter about the last couple years in my life.  These two girls...  We’ll call them Bobbert and Bobbert 2...  They bullied me relentlessly in middle school for being gay and fat.  It got so bad, I had to get the school’s police officer involved.  It was when I first felt suicidal.

And then that last summer before high school, I was the chosen target of my bunk at summer camp.  I was the chosen target of their bullying.  Why?  I have no idea.

So when I started high school?  I was bitter.  I’m not going to protect names this time.  I met this girl Audrey.  My instinct was to stay away from her because she looked like an angry person and she reeked of cigarette and marijuana smoke.  But we were assigned to be “phone buddies” in our literature class because everyone else was partnered up and we were the only two left.  And then she was in my gym class.  And somehow, we ended up becoming best friends.  I thought she was the coolest thing since sliced bread.  I really wanted to impress her, I really wanted her to like me and think I was cool.  She literally taught me what I should and should not like.  And she was... mean.  If you did’t agree with her on things, she would be mean to you about it... but it was always played off as a joke, and you had to laugh along with it, all the while seeking her approval.  But I thought that was admirable.  I thought it was so cool and badass and I wanted to be like that.  I became a meaner person when I was best friends with her.  And, a couple of my close friends know this, and it’s weird for me to admit on something that I am posting publicly...  But I eventually had convinced myself that I was in love with her.  She was my first BPD “favorite person.”  I was very codependent on her and I convinced myself that I was in love with her and I would do literally anything and everything to try to impress her or make her happy, or get her attention.

So when I went to her house and we met up with all her friends and they all decided to get high?  I wanted to try it.  And it was fun!  But after that?  Suddenly, every time I went to hang out with her, all she wanted to do was get high.  Every single time.  So I went with it.  I always just did whatever Audrey wanted to do.  And then she started hanging out with Alex (who she only became friends with because Alex and I were friends since like Kindergarten or first grade or something, but whatever).  Audrey and Alex had multiple classes together that year, and I had no classes with either of them.  So they grew closer with each other.  So then all three of us started hanging out together, and instead of just me and Audrey, it became me and Audrey and Alex.  And then we started doing harder drugs.  It got to the point when we were doing MDMA on a regular basis and my serotonin levels were shot because MDMA kills the serotonin in your brain.  I’d also steal medications from people, including morphine, which is a form of heroin.  Sometimes, we’d take pills even when we didn’t know what they were.  My brain was shot.  I was at the lowest I had ever been.  To top it off, Audrey and Alex were getting closer and closer and I was slowly but surely feeling shut out and neglected, like I didn’t matter.  One morning at school, I met up with Audrey and Alex and Audrey’s other friends in the morning before 1st block like we always did, and everyone stood in a circle and I was literally closed/blocked out of the circle, standing on the outside of the circle.  Ignored, unnoticed, neglected.  I decided that was the last straw, I lost it.  My FP didn’t give a FUCK about me.  All she fucking cared about was drugs and getting high and Alex.  But I was literally nothing in her eyes.  So I got home from school, and both my parents were at work and my brother was staying after school and my sister was away at college, and i was all alone.  So I grabbed a bottle of pills and chucked some down and I tried to kill myself because “She will notice me and care about me when I am dead.”  I was hospitalized.  When I came back home, I found out that nobody even noticed I was missing.  The only reason Audrey noticed - after a few days - was because my friend Jessica messaged her, “Do you know what happened to Jamie?  Didn’t you see her post on tumblr?  She took a bunch of pills and I don’t know what happened.”  When I got home, Audrey’s solution to my depression was just to get high.

Anyway, the reason I don’t protect Audrey or Alex’s names comes up now.

That summer was the first time I drank alcohol.  Like, yeah, I do all these drugs but I have never drank alcohol LOL go figure, right?  Anyway, we got our drug dealer, David...  he also had a fake ID so we got him to buy us alcohol.  And since he got the alcohol, we let him drink with us.  I’m drunk off my ass for the first time in my life.  David sees this “opportunity.”  He literally asks Audrey for her permission to take me off to a separate room and do whatever he pleases with me.  And she “consents” on my behalf.  So I’m laying there, 16, drunk, pants off, not really sure what’s going on.  And then I feel something rubbing against me.  And I guess I wasn’t as drunk as David hoped I would be.  Because I realized what he was doing.  And I flipped out.  I was not about to let him have sex with me.  He goes “Shh, shhh!  Stop freaking out or your friends are going to think something is happening!”  But I don’t really drop it so he gives up and we go back to join my “friends.”  Audrey literally gave me up to a rapist, and Alex was complicit in this.

That wasn’t the last time it happened.

A few months later....  It’s my 17th birthday.  I go to the zoo with my family, but then instead of going home with them after, they drop me off at Audrey’s house so I can have a “birthday sleepover” with my friends.  We smoke.  We take some pills that we don’t even know what they are.  We meet up with David again so that he can get us alcohol again.  This time, he’s got a couple friends with him... Jeff and Ivan.  Jeff was like 23 I think, Ivan was his older brother, so mid to late twenties.  This is my 17th birthday with these grown ass men.  We break into this gas station that either Jeff or Ivan worked at, and we party in there.  I’m smoking, I’m on pills, and I’m drinking.  3 substances mixed together in my blood.  I’m on cloud 9, I’m barely even mentally there.  Next thing you know, the guys decide to play spin the bottle.  The oldest one, Ivan... he lands on me at one point.  And he just goes at it.  Just full on making out with my barely conscious body.  I felt myself fading.  Next thing I know, he picks me up and carries me to the corner of the room, and next thing you know, my pants are off, and I feel myself fading and fading and I’m not really sure what’s happening.  Ivan asks me “Sex?”  I can barely speak, but I mutter out a “No!”  And he asks me again.  And I say “No!” again.  “Why?” he asks. “I don’t know!”  I can barely speak, I can barely move a muscle.  I feel myself leaving my body.  I have no control.  And he starts going down on me.  And next thing I know, I pass out and I’m unconscious.  And I wake up laying motionless and drooling, naked on top of this naked grown ass man.  I don’t know how I got there.  I start shaking.  Trying to move.  I find out that my dear friend Audrey just stood around drinking beers with David, watching this grown man rape me.

I tried to remain friends with them, but that only lasted another month.  Apparently after watching Ivan rape me on my birthday, Audrey and Alex decided to start telling all of their other friends that I was a sloppy slut and I just went and fucked this older guy, and they started saying horrible things about me every chance they got.  And I stopped being friends with them... and they played it off like “Good!  Now we can go to more parties and do more drugs because we couldn’t go before because nobody likes you!”

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Then there was Sara.  The only person I ever “fell in love” with who ever claimed to love me back.  My next MAJOR “Favorite Person.”  I met her at an event the first semester of my sophomore year of college/her freshman year.  We were sat at the same table at this event, and I could tell right away that she was gay.  She was so butch and obvious.  And DAMN, was she fucking CUTE.  It was the very end of the semester when I met her.  Then we were on Winter Break.  And she found me on Facebook somehow and added me, and started messaging me and flirting with me.  I thought she was so adorable.  She talked to me about Disney.  She asked me about my dog.  I found out that my dog was sick and dying in this time, and she asked me about it and was there for me and that really got me right away.  I was already head over heals because “this super cute girl thinks that I’m beautiful and cares about if I’m doing okay?!?!?!”

So then Spring semester started and we met up right away.  And the very first day we met up, we kissed.  And just a couple days later, she started coming to my suite every day and sleeping over.  She would bring cookie dough and treats for my suitemates and me.  She spoiled me right from the beginning and it felt GREAT.  Everything happened VERY QUICKLY.

The first night she slept over was unintentional.  We were just hanging out in my room.  My roommate had moved out because she got pregnant, so I had my own room.  We were cuddling.  And then she attempted to get sexual with me, but I was clearly nervous and hesitant, but she was very persistent.  And then she just ended up sleeping over and rushing to class in the morning.  She messaged me later in the day, apologizing for pressuring me into sexual activity; that she could see I wasn’t ready and she “felt bad” for pressuring me.  I said it was fine.

A couple days later, I was in my suite when I got a phone call from her.  She had vertigo and had to go to the ER.  All she wanted was to talk to me.  So I talked to her on the phone.  She came back to campus not too long later.  We were hanging out in my suite.  She said she had a club meeting to go to.  So I was like “Oh, okay, I also have a club meeting to go to.  I was on e-board for this club but I had to quit, but I was told they were doing something nice for me tonight so I have to go.”  And she was like “Okay.”  But then later she was mad.  “Why are you going to that club meeting?  I was in the hospital today.  All I wanted to do when I got back was to be with you and feel better.  All I could think about, all I wanted was you.”  And I said “But you were going to a club meeting, too?”  And she says “Well I was going to skip it because I wanted to be with you.”  “But I made a commitment.”  “Well I should be more important!!  I was testing you!!!”  “But you told me that it was okay if I go and you said you were going somewhere else anyway!”  “FINE!  Go!  But we’re done!”  Keep in mind we’re not even an official couple yet...  So anyway, I go to the club meeting anyway...  But all I can think about is how Sara is mad at me.  I’m having an anxiety attack.  I leave early, crying, texting and calling Sara and begging her to forgive me, I’m so so so sorry.  She eventually goes “You’re right.  You made a commitment and I told you I was going somewhere else anyway so it wasn’t fair for me to get mad at you.  I overreacted.”  And we were fine.  Or not really....  I should have taken this incident as a red flag, but I didn’t, I blamed myself.

Superbowl Sunday/Puppybowl Sunday that year was February 1st.  Apparently, at the Puppybowl Party, my friend Erica touched my thigh???  I don’t remember.  But according to Sara, it happened.  And I was no longer allowed to hang out with Erica without Sara’s permission.  “Sara, Erica doesn’t even like women!”  It didn’t matter.  She touched my thigh.  It meant she wanted me.  It meant she was a threat to Sara.  I wasn’t allowed to be her friend.

Sara wanted to wait until Valentine’s Day to ask me out officially.  She thought it would be cute if our anniversary was on Valentine’s Day.  I was NOT having it!  I didn’t want the holiday ruined forever if we ended up breaking up.  So Sara liked to joke around like “I’m breaking up with you!”  And I would keep pushing her by saying “You can’t break up with me if we’re not dating!”  And I kept pushing her and making it obvious that I was NOT happy with the waiting.  So on February 3rd, she caved in and asked me to be her girlfriend, and I was ECSTATIC.  I had a club meeting for Disney Club later that night.  I was on the e-board, so I was obligated to go.  Sara had work.  She texted me after her shift ended, she wanted to see me.  I was in the club meeting, so she had to come to the meeting.  She walks in the room and her face drops.  Erica is there.  Sara sits next to me angrily.  Her face is scaring the fuck out of me.  She’s clenching her fists.  She’s whispering nasty things to me.  She’s being so horrible to me.  Nobody notices.  I’m holding back tears.  After Disney Club meetings, everyone usually goes to Late Night Dining in the dining hall together, but Sara was ANGRY, so I told everyone I was gonna call it a night and Sara and I head back to my room.  Once we’re away from everyone else, she starts yelling at me.  “I told you not to hang out with her without me!”  “I can’t control who goes to the meetings!  I can’t tell her she’s not allowed to go, and I’m on e-board, I HAVE to be there!”  “Well you could have at least texted me and told me she was there!”  The yelling escalates and she’s screaming at me and I’m crying.  And then she very quickly stops and turns at me, and that was the first time she ever raised her fist to me.  The very first day we were “official.”

It got worse and worse every day after that, but I remember that one more than most of the others because it was the first time.  But every day after that...  She would find some reason to scream at me and insult me and throw punches towards my head.  Sex suddenly became rough sex and rough sex only, and no, she wouldn’t change it up because all of a sudden she “didn’t know how to have sex without being rough.”  I knew this was untrue because she wasn’t like that before.  But now, suddenly she was.  I had no choice.  There would be times when I wasn’t in the mood for sex, but to her that became all I was good for.  “I’m not in the mood.”  “I’ll put you in the mood.”  I would literally try to fight her and push her off of me.  My own girlfriend raped me.  So many times I lost count.  One time when she did it, I said “You just assaulted me.”  And she said “Fine, then I’ll never touch you again!”  And that was not what I wanted at all.  So then I just started taking it.  She would scream at me and throw punches at me and threaten to leave me at least three times a day.  I don’t even know how many times she raped me.

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Then there was Bobbert #3.  I loved him so much.  I still do.  He is still my FP, but we both handle it so much better now, and I’m not as attached as I used to be.

We had a relationship, but it wasn’t a *relationship.*  You see, he never loved me the way I loved him, and he never could.  He admittedly used me to experiment with his sexuality... and he tried to force himself to want me, but he couldn’t.

And he has opposite mental health issues from me.  We handle our mental health very differently.  I became exhausting for him to deal with...  He began to neglect me.  I started feeling worthless and unlovable and like I meant nothing.  Feelings were becoming similar to how I felt with Audrey, but nowhere near as bad.  But I did end up having meaningless sex with someone else when I felt lonely one night (it wasn’t cheating; we weren’t monogomous or in a *relationship relationship,* ya feel?).  Bobbert #4, I guess?  And Bobbert #4 disgusted me and violated my boundaries, and I went with it to try to fill this neglected void, but I just fell into another deep depression.  But I stayed with Bobbert #3.  All I wanted in my life was for Bobbert #3 to love me.  I kept feeling neglected.  I eventually had a mental breakdown and tied a noose in my closet, and the breakdown got worse when I realized the material wasn’t strong enough and wouldn’t work.  Bobbert #3 and my other suitemate found me crying in my closet.  They got together with someone else and reported me to counseling services and I was so angry.

And I was just in this great depression from my PTSD from being with Sara and my obsession with Bobbert #3 and I failed all my classes that semester and didn’t graduate school on time.

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A month or two later, I was finally diagnosed with BPD and everything started to make sense and I have been able to learn when I’m being irrational or splitting, I haven’t engaged in self-harm behaviors since then, I have been able to pin-point and control my symptoms and I’m doing so much better with self-control but the thoughts and feelings I have are still real and I don’t know if they will ever be normal, but I haven’t gotten a new FP since the last story so who knows, tbh....  I’d like to think that I will be able to figure out how to love and be loved back, and I’d like to think that I will be treated right one day, and that I will have a non-toxic relationship one day.  I don’t know if it is possible, but I’d like to think it is.  I mostly blame like everyone else in my life.  My therapist blames certain family members of mine and things from my childhood, but I don’t feel comfortable writing about that.  BUT, while it feels good to be able to say “Hey, I was never the bad person in these situations!” I still know I can’t deny any responsibility.  Right?  I mean, maybe?

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A few friends already know this story and know exactly who I am talking about even though I’m concealing the name for the sake of this post so if any of you actually read this far, for the sake of this post, his name is Bobbert.

Some background info: 1) In my friend group(s), I am the most vocally sex-positive person of the group, and the least innocent friend. 2) In the past when I have had random hookups with people I didn’t love, it ended with me crying and self-harming and ultimately falling into a deep depression.

So back in April, my friend Bobbert randomly hit me up on Facebook messenger to ask me to “hook up” with him.

This was a man who...  I had ultimately *convinced* myself I had a crush on him because he liked to give me hugs and cuddles, and although he liked to do that with all of his friends, it seemed more excessive with me.  And so I felt special, so I convinced myself that I HAD to like him because he gave me attention because LOL me being me, I don’t know how to differentiate touchy-feely-attention from true feelings.

But I also never thought he would pull such a douchebag move.  To just be like “sooo you wanna hook up?”  He never seemed like the type of guy to do that.  I mean, just a few days before he asked me this, I could have sworn he was dry-humping me while we were cuddling- IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS- but I convinced myself that I was imagining that because he certainly wouldn’t do something like that without saying anything first, and CERTAINLY not IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS.  So I brushed it off.  But I still had a feeling that there was some tension between us of some sort, and I figured something would happen between us eventually.  But I did not expect it to be done so disrespectfully.  I thought whatever was going on would come up naturally, in a respectful manner, in person...  Not “do you wanna hook up?” over Facebook messenger.

My initial reaction was that, as the only vocally sex-positive and least innocent friend of the friend group, I was being objectified by my friend.  My heart honestly sank as I realized that I didn’t mean anything more than a body to this person who I considered a friend.  That I was being treated as an object.  After everything all of my friends know I’ve been through, and with all of my friends being fully aware that I have BPD and RAD.  I just felt like everything was becoming clear, and I am worthless, disposable...  I am an object that does not have feelings.  In addition, because I am prone to self-harming after meaningless sex, I wanted to try this thing where I *don’t* hook up with people that I am not in a relationship with.

So anyway, I eventually answered him and said “ummmmm I don’t really hook up with people like that...”  And he was like “omg I’m so sorry I made this awkward blah blah blah.”

Anyway, I was like 45 min away from home when this happened, and I was with friends...  So at the end of the night, I took the 45 minute drive to think and reflect and when I got home, I messaged him again and I was like “Listen...  I was flustered when you messaged me because I was at this club meeting...  I have noticed there has been some tension between us, I would be lying if I said otherwise, I think we need to have a discussion.”  So then the next morning, Bobbert reads my message, but doesn’t message me back for a few hours and when he does he’s deflecting like “oh sorry I was just sleep deprived and loopy, I don’t want to complicate our friendship in any way....”  biiiiitch, you already complicated our fucking friendship.  So I’m not taking his bullshit, I’m like “nah but we still need to talk.”  Again, he reads my message and waits A COUPLE HOURS to respond and he just says “yeah you’re probably right.”  So anyway, this goes back and forth with him leaving me on “read” over and over again and I’m feeling more and more disrespected and angrier and angrier the longer he keeps me waiting.  But eventually we agree to meet up for dinner a couple days later so we can talk.

So we meet up... and I’m pretty good at standing my ground at first.  He’s kind of derailing, avoiding the subject, and I’m like “Bobbert.”  So eventually he’s like “Jamie....  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to you....  But I’m not wanting to date anyone while I’m in grad school.” And I’m like “Okay....”  And I just basically tell him I’m not attracted to him at all.  Even though I had just a week earlier been convinced I had a crush?  I don’t know, And anyway, he’s like “So I’m sexually attracted to you but not romantically, like, at all.” Like, ok Bobbert, then why did you bring up dating half a minute ago when you said you’re not ready to date while you’re in school?  Like if you already decided you didn’t wanna date at all, why did you bring that up in the first place.  Are you deflecting or are you just that dumb and heartless or? So I’m basically just like “ok.” & he’s like “So we’re on the same page?  Not romantically interested in each other at all?” & I’m like “Not at all.”  Whatever. So then it’s my turn to talk  I wanted to make him realize why the way he objectified me after all my experiences with sexual violence and dating violence was an issue.  I wanted him to realize that trying to build up intimacy with me just for sex, knowing that I have BPD and attachment issues, was extremely disrespectful of my well-being.  But then I realized that I didn’t really want to talk about my history of sexual assault and domestic violence and mental illness in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

So we went back to my house to talk somewhere more privately.  I set clear boundaries.  I explained to him why I was offended and hurt.  I explained to him that I have trouble saying no to people because I really really love attention, and he was giving me a lot of attention.  I asked “Do you respect me?” and he said “Yes.”  I believed him and boundaries were set.  But then two seconds later, he cuddles up to me.  And then he starts groping me.  And I say, “Ummm... what’s going on?”  & he’s like “I’m cuddling you... sexually...  Is that okay?”  And because he had just told me he respected me, and I felt like we just had a respectful discussion, I was like “Yeah I guess.”  And one thing led to another, and even though I had set boundaries, we somehow ended up hooking up anyway??????  I was not enjoying any second of it.  I even told him “I am not enjoying this.  At all.  This is never happening ever again.”

And then we didn’t see each other again for almost 2 months???  I really want to remain his friend.  I don’t know how possible it is.

We went to Six Flags together a couple weeks ago.  And then things got a little too flirty again.  And ya know what?  A lot of that was my fault.  I instigated and initiated a lot of that.  There was excessive hand holding and hugs and cuddles and hands on thighs.  And a lot of that was MY fault.

I just tell this story to show how vulnerable I am right now, how desperately I desire and crave love and affection and attention.  I literally cannot resist it.  Even when I know I’m just hurting myself...  I will engage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, I kind of just hate myself.  I think that I am too much to deal with.  I will never be loved and I don’t deserve to be loved and I am meant to be lonely forever.  And I try and try and try but I’m only 23 years old and I’ve already dealt with so much abuse and assault, I’ve lost count.  These weren’t even all of the stories, either...  Just what is the point of life anymore when I’ve gone through all this?  I’ve gone through enough personal trauma to last 3 lifetimes, and I’m not even 25 years old yet.  This is just SOME of the stuff I have to battle with every day.  Just a little glimpse.  I just don’t understand why me...

[its-bpd-goddess]

Close-mind-parents.

Well, hello!

Don’t you think I have forgot to write some new stuff in here, it’s just that times have been pretty hard for me and my mind easily went down since I broke up with someone, thankfully, after months, I feel pretty well and everything look quite peaceful.

He was my FP, but this post is not about that story, it’s about...

HOW THE HELL I HAVE BEING SURVIVING BETWEEN TWO PARENTS WHO STILL THINKS MY BPD IS JUST LAZYNESS AND MY SELF BEING AN ATTENTION SEEKER AS MANY OF US HAVE!

First of all, sweethearts... you got to know that even when blood is thicker than water, you are not obligated to stay with people who don’t help you to feel better and make you wanna kill yourselves before saying anything else about your feelings. In some cases, people won’t have the chance to move or take distances between them, but here we are going to get some advices of how you can deal that situation and do not die in the way.

“I still live with my parents”

This is soooo relatable, and mostly because i still live with them.

When you have to live with someone who seems to have a peanut as a brain or prehistoric ideas, there is no one else than yourself to keep on going, taking your own hand and even helping to get out of the hole. Not ever joking, because sometimes we feel like we don’t have nobody just because we can’t count on our own family, but THAT IS COMPLETELY FAKE, there might be someone out there who is ready to hear you, give you a hand or maybe someone who would be happy to make a space for you in their house.

Sometimes our parents think that they will help us to deal with our things by screaming and pointing at us and our behaviour as if with that it would disappear. Maybe is not their fault as strange as it may sound, but they try to be better than their parents and guide us in their own ways, as we are going to change our parenthood with our kids in the future or now, but they really forget their past, when they where the children whom needed to be heard and loved.

Parents mostly believe that they have the right to educate their kids by their own hand even when it comes with yelling and hitting, locking up the children from real life, and making them useless and scared of what they can confront out there: things that they won’t accept after they start to have signs of mental illnesses.

When they start to deny the reality of their children, they are going to blame everything on them, so what we should do is to sit down and try to make them to figure out how hard for you is to be “normal” as they want to: to clarify how much you have tried by yourself to be positive, stay still and getting your brain busy, and it can’t just work out as easy as it may sound for them, but you don’t have to attack as they do, you have to show them how they are supposed to act when you ask them for advise or help, believe me or not, they will feel dumb when you are the one who reacts like an adult and not as a mad child.

What if I start crying?

Before anything else, get yourself a second and calm down before you can get an anxiety attack or an anger attack. Always think on you above everyone. When you are ready, you can go back and face them as a strong person, without yelling or creating worse scenarios.

What our parents need is to learn how to listen and, basically, you are the one who has the chance to help them and teach them how to.

Don’t worry! Someday you will have the chance to get your own house and feel free from those close-mind-family chains. Meanwhile try to understand their point of view, stay still and teaching them how to properly help someone in that case.

Consciously, our mothers and fathers will never ever ever want to hurt us or our feeling in a deep way, and if they do, you have the right to tell them what’s wrong with the situation and maybe they will beware their words and ways to say some things.

My parents literally started to understand everything when I told them how I feel sometimes and it ended with me, having an anxiety attack full of shakiness and myself looking almost a step far from having a heart attack (that happened like 30 minutes ago). So, maybe some parents will learn in the good way and some of them won’t, but you don’t have to give up on you and nothing else, if they do not want to understand, make them know they have just failed as what they where supposed to be: your family, your parents.

Never stop fighting for your happiness, even when times seem dark, you have survived all this way long and you will the rest of your life.

XX

-K

[marchosian]

real controversial opinion here but speaking as someone who has struggled with bpd (and other mental illnesses) for years and who recently got a prof dx, i think Mental I’llness Tumblr needs to stop with the concept of a “favorite person”

to begin with, it’s not a clinical term - someone, idk who, made it up over a year ago. i think the community coming up with terms to describe your experiences is great! in theory. because i’ve watched as the concept of “fps” gained traction and i have seen nothing good come out of it.

you guys need to stop encouraging unhealthy dependency and using your MI as an excuse to control people. by creating a term that has become almost another kind of relationship status you encourage people to hold their "fps" to incredibly high standards and then become incredibly disappointed and possibly self destructive when that "fp" doesn’t meet them. it’s unfair to the "fp" too, especially since they are often mentally ill too!

i almost always see this label being applied without the consent of the “fp.” if they’ve agreed to it and are willing to provide that kind of support then it’s fine, i don’t care. but often it’s not consensual and all i see is people vaguing their “fp” and saying they want to kill them for daring to have their own life or w/e. why do you guys think that is okay? why do you think it is okay to objectify someone like that and guilt trip them?

and this is just another way tumblr has become anti-recovery. it scares me so much that 13, 14, 15 yr olds are being exposed to this and think its fine. there’s nothing wrong with having symptoms, or being dependent, but i’ve seen the concept of an fp hurt SO many people on both sides of the relationship and it quite honestly results in abuse a lot of the time

before i get called ableist: yes, i do know what dependency is like. i have REALLY horrible issues with it and have for a long time. but i also know i can’t use my symptoms as an excuse to hurt others. i can’t expect others to take care of me all the time. in the end, nobody is responsible for me and my mess except for myself

[bpd-insane]

For a friend...

It’s BPD time! Now this message to you is not only going to include the thing I need to tell you, but a few different things I need to explain in great detail. I promise, by the end of this (if it doesn’t end with you saying that “The line has been crossed”) you will be saying to yourself; “THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE”. You’ll actually probably say that a lot through out this post. I need you to know that BPD is different for everyone; While the symptoms are mostly the same; they are defined differently for me. So this is all about MY BPD.

So first I wanna list the BPD symptoms again. The most common ones are a fear of abandonment which is triggered by being ignored, feeling rejected, being made to feel second best etc. There’s also splitting (I’ll get to that), acting impulsive, getting manic/furious/very easily, unstable relationships based on a need for attention and validation, unstable self image and obviously mood swings.

Im going to jump into my first topic; Splitting. Splitting for me can be;

Splitting can be a few different things but for me it’s mostly when someone does something that may seem small or unimportant to others, but for me triggers very intense emotions, be it anger, love, irritation, jealousy etc. Feeling that intense emotion if it’s negative makes me want to push the person away and I get very angry. If it’s a positive emotion, I feel full of love and happiness for them. Splitting can also sometimes make me feel indifferent, as though I just don’t care and they could disappear and it wouldn’t bother me. Now I want to add that I’ve NEVER felt like that about you. I’ve been intensely angry at you, so much that I wanted to disappear. But if you had, I wouldn’t know what to do.

So enough about splitting; I’ve only just found out about the correct term for it; So I’ve been burying myself into internet research about splitting. I’m gonna move on to my impulsive behavior and reactions.

Ooooh this is a SUPER fun one. (It’s realllllly not, it’s quite awful.) Lets just say, when certain things happen to me that trigger something within me; I react different than other people such as yourself. We are gonna to go on some examples. Example one of my horrid impulsive behavior; SPENDING UNNEEDED MONIES. I do this one a lot. Mostly when I’m depressed. (I know I know, when am I not? Lmao) When I’m at the store, we could have little to no money or a ton, I will buy things I just DO NOT need. Things that will completely kill me in finances. While I’ve cut this down a lot, I still do it sometimes. It can get bad. I can even get as bad as that I will spend money on people I care about. A lot of it. XAAAMPLE TWO: When there is a comment made such as… Let’s use the first time you took witness to my BPD. Yaaaay! Lmao not. When we were doing WOTM, someone made the comment; “If you aren’t ready at all times to raid, then don’t raid.” I remember whipping my head up from giving Alex his sippy cup and completely going off on this guy. For me when I do this in front of people, I instantly feel embarrassed, and I 9 times out of 10; Leave that activity or end the conversation.

Okay; As impulsive behavior goes, that’s PRETTTY much it. Now I’m going to move onto the more difficult symptom of my illness. This is the one I’ve been debating with myself on telling you because as I said before, it could very well cross a line. If this does, I need you to tell me. If you don’t, If you repress those feeling for way to long and you let this continue, it will be worse for me. You need to tell me what your 100% honest feelings are about all of this, honestly. The whole post you’ve read and are going to read.

Okay this one is called “Favorite person”. Now this does not mean the same thing to me that it means when you read that. A favorite person is something I’m embarrassed about telling you. But absolutely 100% cannot control.

A favorite person is someone that we tend to want the most attention and validation from. We want to be in contact with them constantly, and we want them to care about us like we do them. However, as people who are borderline like myself, feel a lot more intensely than others, this is not always the case. Feeling undervalued because of this can cause dissociation and us to split on them. We also often mirror our FP due to the fact that we idealise them, and see everything that they do as wonderful. This means we imitate many of their behaviours, actions, and even the way that they speak in an attempt to be “good like them”. This can actually be very frustrating for our FP, especially if they also suffer from any mental illness. If you haven't figured it out thus far; You are my FP... Basically; Let's be straight. If you noticed that when you have "off days", I am noticeably more attentive towards you in my quest to help you in anyways possible. I am not going to stray from any form of the truth here, when you are gone. It does fucking suck. But don't think for one second that I can't handle it when you are. Don't you think either that I constantly NEED to talk to you in an obsessive manor, it's not like that. Not at all. But your company is that I want all the time. Your attention does in fact mean the world to me. I know you didn't ask for this if at this point that's what your thinking. Quite frankly I don't know what you're thinking. You could be understandable and logical and you could be thinking that I'm psychotic. Whether you're thinking "I didn't ask for this, I didn't sign up for this". I need you to remember that I DIDNT either. I didn't pick you, Steven. My disorder and my brain did. You wanna know why? Because you are that person. You are AMAZING. You're so funny, we have SO much in common. Hell, I've been working on this post for hours. Do you know what I am right now? Scared out of my god damn mind. There is so much I hide from you, you don't have any idea. It's horrible what goes through my head. When it does, I constantly tell myself "I wanna go talk to him, I wanna tell him." But you wanna know what else this SICKNING disorder tells me? "He doesn't give a shit, act okay, play the part. He will believe it and all will be fine." That. THAT is the hardest part about this. Telling you? That basically I've lied to you quite a few times when you have asked me if I'm okay. I'm afraid you will think "Damn this girl has way to many problems, is she ever gonna be okay? Is she never gonna not have a problem?" I'll answer that. There are days I actually am okay, but there will never be a day that something is not bothering. But I'll tell you right now, you're not always going to know. That's part of being my FP. My happiness doesn't matter to me like it should, yours does. If you're happy, fine. I'll repress and be fine. I didn't plan on this tangent, but I started writing and here we are. You mean a great deal, you would have regardless of this BPD crap I have. YOU are a great person. I've thought that from day one. You can make me smile like no one else. Don't let that scare ya. If you need time to accept this, take it. I probably won't understand, but that's the disorder. If you don't ever wanna talk to me again, if this crossed a line, if you don't want to be super close anymore, I'll understand one day, but you need to do you. There is shit I never say to you, shit like I do miss you a ton when you go, that I do love you to fucking death Steven. But you still need to do you. This is much of what I needed to say. The last thing I'm going to tell you is that I also lied to you today. My BPD wasn't the only reason I was off. I went to take a nap. I had a god damn "nightmare" whatever. You had a damn heart attack in my face. Idk why that's what went through my dream, but it did. I woke up in panic. Anyways, that's never happened before so you know. Writing this on Tumblr to you was the easiest way I could do this. I did this not only for you, but myself. The choice is yours. I love you. -Jolynn/Sebastian.

[bpdsafespace]

My story

I’m Julia

(personal blog, writing blog) and I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). I also have attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), major depression, and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).

My journey with mental illness started in fifth grade, when I was diagnosed with ADHD. I’m not sure if ADHD classifies as a “mental illness,” but it was around this time that I realized I was different. I had a really tough time paying attention in class. I got caught up in my emotions a lot. I let little things bother me, and they’d bother me all day long. Though I fit a lot of the criteria for ADHD and still do believe it was a correct diagnosis, I also realized that there was something else there. Something else that ate at me. But I also thought mental illnesses and disorders were something to be ashamed of. I remember my mom forcing me to take my ADHD medication and me telling my pediatrician that adderall wasn’t doing anything for me. I was taking 20 mg of adderall at 10 years old (which, at 22, makes me wired) and saying it wasn’t doing anything so they’d take me off of it. I didn’t want to be different. I just wanted to be like everybody else. So I pretended I wasn’t dealing with anything. I shook it all off.

In ninth grade, my moods became unbearable. I remember screaming at my mom, telling her “there’s something wrong with my brain.” Crying and crying and crying. My room was a mess, I was falling behind in school, I had no friends, and all I did was wallow in my self-pity. I was always sad, it felt like. Nothing was getting better. This was the first time I saw a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They diagnosed me with major depression and GAD.

I hated therapy and I hated my therapist. I switched around, trying to find a facility that would let me see a psychiatrist and not a psychologist. I was taking 100 mg of Zoloft, an antidepressant that also helps with anxiety. I couldn’t tell if it was helping because some days I’d feel great, while others, I’d be spiraling out of control. I’d go from “I’m getting better!” to “Nothing is helping. Nothing will ever help. I will never get better.” One day, I stopped seeing a psychiatrist and taking my meds. Then I went through a break-up and went on them again. Then I went off of them.

Then, when I was 18, I fell into a really “amazing” relationship with a partner I loved with my whole heart and soul. I couldn’t be without him; even a minor separation made me feel it right in my bones: I felt abandoned, so alone. I relied on him for validation. I held his opinion on a pedestal. He was always right. If he didn’t like me, I had nothing. I did everything I could to please him, so much that I was never pleasing myself. But I thought he was the most amazing person in the entire world. It was worth it. Until he did something minor that made me feel rejected and I would go OFF on him. At times, I thought he was the worst person in the entire world. My feelings about him would switch back and forth between days, even hours, even seconds. He wouldn’t answer a text message. He’s leaving me. I would have breakdowns when he dropped me off before his friends because we didn’t have any alone time together. I would get so mad he was choosing them over me. He’d talk me out of killing myself all of the time, stay awake past his bedtime to make sure I was okay, but when he fell asleep, I would lose it. He doesn’t care about me. How can he just fall asleep? It didn’t register in my mind that he had to be up at 5 am and he was exhausted. I thought he didn’t care about me. I realized this was a example of “splitting.”

After researching BPD, I realized my now ex was my “favorite person” (FP). I depended on him for my happiness. He was the only thing that made me feel good some days. Having him made me feel like the luckiest person alive– when he validated me, I never felt better. When he called me beautiful, I felt on top of the world. Like nothing could bring me down. Everything was amazing. But being with him came with so much pain. When he didn’t choose me first every single time. When he cared for his friends or himself. And when we broke up, I lost it. I completely lost it. I was so suicidal. Constantly. He left me for someone else. I KNEW he was going to leave me. I was right all along! I should have listened to my gut. Nobody likes me. Nobody’s ever liked me. He never loved me. He is a horrible person for doing what he did. I hate him. I started going to therapy again. I was getting better.

But then I ran back to him because I loved him. But I hated him. But I loved him. But I hated him. Who was I without him? I needed him. I don’t need him; I don’t need anybody. I hate him. Don’t leave me again. This was around the time I self-diagnosed myself with BPD and started cutting. I ended up punching my ex in the face because he hung out with his ex-girlfriend without telling me. Not even hooking up or anything. He just hung out with her and it made me feel so rejected that I punched him in the face and told him to never talk to me again.

Then I started seeing another guy. He became my source of happiness. I started spending all of my time with him. I started neglecting my school work to go to the bar on weekdays just to spend time with him. We got in a fight over something stupid and I brought up my BPD. He just got more mad because he thought I was blaming everything on it and made a Facebook status about me without mentioning my name. I got so mad, I told everyone on Facebook he was a drug dealer, mentioning his name. I was in the middle of class. I ran out of class and started bawling in the stairwell. I was so upset, I called my parents. They thought I would kill myself if I drove myself home so they came and picked me up.

I went back to a psychiatrist and psychologist. I told them about my insane moods, how one tiny thing could send me into meltdown mode. How I once tried to swallow a whole bottle of pills because my parents wouldn’t let me go to my friend’s house. How I was cutting and thinking about suicide a lot. I was afraid for myself. And I was afraid for others. Nobody diagnosed me with BPD. I had to actually ask my psychiatrist about BPD before he said, “yeah… I could definitely see that…” and put me on an antipsychotic (Risperdal, 1 mg then .5 mg), as well as Wellbutrin (75 mg twice a day, then 150 mg once a day) for depression.

Today, I no longer take Rispersal (it made me feel way too lifeless) or Wellbutrin (it didn’t do anything) and I am currently not seeing a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, my copay is $65 and I don’t have the kind of money to search for someone who is going to be good for me. I’m not in a very good place these days, so I made this blog to cope. Please share your stories. I’d love to learn about you, relate to you, and answer your questions about BPD.

[textsfromtheborderline]

I haven't got a diagnosis for borderline, but me and my girlfriend suspect that I have it -- My question is dark, but I think fairly relatable: How can you find motivation to improve and get better when you've become so downtrodden and ill that you just don't care anymore? and can you help somebody else in that position? I think a lot of us have gone through periods of fatalism or apathy, and it can be a particularly difficult philosophy to break free from. Any advice would be much appreciated!

Oh! We have a few posts about this already!

The Five Stages of Accepting You Have a Personality Disorder

Building a Healthy Mindset

How to Stop Invalidating Yourself

Self Care + Self Love

How to Build Self Esteem

Motivation Strategies for Coping with BPD

Sorry, I may have gone a little overboard with the links, but I find all of these to be relevant to your question!

Honestly, for me, I didn’t really get to a place where I was ready to work on getting better until I hit rock bottom. I checked myself into the hospital because I was suicidal and had no one to turn to, was at the lowest point of my ED yet, to where I was practicing those behaviors even in the hospital and wasn’t trying to hide it from anyone including friends, family, my partner, anyone. It took a lot for me to finally realize that I had a lot of issues that weren’t going to go away on their own.

When I was in the hospital, my doctor prescribed me Prozac. I’d been on Abilify before because I’d had a psychotic episode (the doctor that caught it believed it to be schizophreniform disorder and just kept pumping me full of anti-psychotics), and that hadn’t exactly warmed me up to the idea of medication. It was the wrong medication for me and made me feel god awful. Prozac helped quite a bit with a lot, but it actually killed my appetite and my eating disorder got much worse and I ended up pretty underweight. Some circumstances led me to spending that summer in Tallahassee, five hours away from my doctor, so I ended up unmedicated for a while there and that was when I realized that the meds had actually been helping.

I spent the whole summer with my FP at the time, and I have no idea how we didn’t break up then. I was indulging my ED three to five times a day if not more, I was lashing out at him, I was self-isolating, I was having night terrors, I wanted to die. Then we got back home and I saw my doctor and got prescribed a new medication and things started getting better. I’m now on three different meds (Celexa, Welbutrin, and Lamictal), and I’m happier and more stable than I’ve been in a long time.

A lot of people, though, don’t want to be medicated or don’t have access to medication. In that case, I highly suggest seeking out Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). The best, obviously, would be to get the help of a professional, but you can find DBT resources here. DBT and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) are pretty much THE treatment plans for BPD. Seriously. They work. So I highly recommend looking into those!

-Sydney