#LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GET FUCKED

[todayisafridaynight]

NOT A VAPE FLAVOUR PLEASE I DONT EVEN VAPE GOD FORBID GAY PPL HAVE FLAWS- Actually i should probably hold my tongue cuz i fr haven't had this shit before so it could very well be bad FHGFHHFGFHG

I'll try a singular can and if its bad ill just go back to my fuckin seltzers like i always do smh

this is the funniest night in my inbox

[campingwiththecharmings]

thinking about domestic santi again ugh someone send help 🥲

[stickers-on-a-laptop]

bestie that's depression

akira's gonna be fine, he has a whole hayami

[steorn]

really trying to exist without finding myself the most obnoxious person in the world.

[killbaned]

i bought a gf pizza at target bc i know now they reheat. i don't have an appetite though. my plan is to cook it and consume the smallest possible amount and see what it does. but i think i'm just going to refill my water bottle and have a bit of a meal drink and lay down for a bit.

[whyse7vn]

BREAK -

[ot7 x reader]

PEACE AND LOVE 😁💗

8 participants - 8 online

———————————

jk: guys i’m lost ☹️

jimin: like emotionally??

tae: or sexually?

jk: woah um

idk anymore

jin: probably psychologically

yoongi: what’s new?

namjoon: jungkook you are in your kitchen

y/n: can confirm he is in the kitchen.

yoongi: loser

jin: what’s with the punctuation lmao

jk: woah i am in our kitchen

how did i get here

good morning guys ^0^

jin: it’s 7pm?

y/n: he’s hungover.

jk: yeah T-T

jimin: not surprised drank jin’s body weight in alcohol yesterday

jk: there was a lot going on :((

yoongi: so you result to alcoholism?

namjoon: it’s better than resulting to violence!!!

y/n: hoseok can’t relate.

hobi: i said i’m sorry 😓

jin: jimin i’ve thought about it and i really think you’re projecting when it comes to this weight thing

jimin: project a vegetable

jin: project a cure for the body issues you CEARLY have

namjoon: guys

jk: ants playing ddr in my head rn

i’m so upset

also how do i take about a loan?

i want a loan

namjoon: jungkook you do not need a loan

jk: ok

i’m sorry

namjoon: jungkook you better not be crying right now

jk: i’m not crying

y/n: he is crying

but that is not important rn.

can we talk about yesterday because what the fuck?

tae: YESSS i’ve been waiting for this

whoever wants the video of hobi punching the shit out of jaehyun you have to me pay at least 4k

namjoon: what is wrong with you

tae: if you want it with sound i have to charge extra

tae changed the gc name to “HOBI GOT HANDS”

y/n: not funny.

namjoon: taehyung please

jin: can’t believe hobi fr punched him

yoongi: i can

hobi: y/n you still mad??

jin: she’s using punctuation

she’s furious ☠️

jimin: sHe’S fUrIoUs 🤓☝🏼

who tf says that

jin: OHMYGOD GET OF MY DICK FOR ONE SECOND I’M BEGGING

jimin: sHe’S fUrIoUs 🤓☝🏼

tae: is she fast too lmao

y/n: shut the fuck up taehyung

tae: okay!

y/n: my boyfriend is fine btw

if any of you actually care

yoongi: don’t

hobi: i’m sorry

y/n: you laughed after you made him bleed

yoongi: didn’t you laugh too lol??

y/n: OKAY I DID A LITTLE

but that’s before i realised hoseok hit him for real

jin: you can hit someone for fake?

tae: you can watch her smile fall after the second punch in the video it’s really funny actually!!!!!!!

y/n: didnt i tell you to shut the fuck up?

tae: you did

i’m sorry

shutting up

like rn ong 🙏🏼

🤐

jin: ?

jimin: it means on god

jin: stop talking to me

jimin: sorry just making sure you got it

slang sure has changed since 1781!!!

jin: 1781????????

jk: omg that’s that one hamilton song

hobi: there is no hamilton song called 1781

jimin: are we talking about the 1975

tae: the what

hobi: aren’t they white?

tae: they????

jimin: HAMILTONS WHITE????

yoongi: the real one is

jimin: there’s a fake hamilton??

tae: hamilton a they/them?

namjoon: you can’t say that

y/n: why are we talking about hamilton?

tae: why can’t i say that?

am i pissing off the feminists? ☠️☠️☠️

namjoon: this has nothing to do with feminism

jin: i’m a feminist

tae: did my they/them hamilton question offend you??

jin: tf does that even mean

jimin: born in 1066 doesn’t even know what pronouns are

jin: fuck you and ur proverbs

y/n: he literally said pronouns

tae: i’m a prosexhaver

yoongi: you have stds

hobi: personally i would like to shoot taehyung

jk: sex haver????

jin: virgin

y/n: he makes me sick

jimin: oh i HATE him

namjoon: deep breaths

tae: ???

wtf

why did you all just turn on me like that?

guys are you jealous of my sex having abilities?

everyone be honest now

y/n: you clearly don’t know what shutting the fuck up includes

tae: ok i’m sorry

never speaking again starting in like

an hour

i promise

y/n: how about now

tae: 30 mins?

y/n: kys

tae: stop flirting omg 🤭

yoongi: idiot

jk: WAIT OMG?

HOBI FR PUNCHED JAEHYUN??/! ö

jin: you were literally there??

jk: I THOUGHT THAT WAS A DREAM

OHMYGOD

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

HEHEHE

OMG HOBI THATS CRAZY

UR CRAZY

hobi: i’m not crazy

jimin: like crazy

y/n: you think it’s funny??

jk: NO

no

absolutely not wtf

????????

hoseok why would you do that?

that’s so messed up

shame on you really

shame on you

jimin: ur pathetic actually

namjoon: anyways hobi it was wrong of you to result to violence just because you were jealous

please apologise

y/n please accept his apology you know hobi wouldn’t never want to upset you on purpose he loves and cares for you deeply

kiss and make up guys

you don’t want to fuck up our group dynamic do you???

no?

didn’t think so!!

wow would you look at that we are all friends again

smooth like butter 🧈 💛

dynamite 🧨

borahae in this bangtan shit for life 💜💜

y/n: kys

jk: KISS???????????

jin: hobi was jealous?

hobi: NO?????????

yoongi: interesting

jimin: yeah that’s crazy

hobi: I WASN’T I SWEAR

namjoon: you weren’t???

oh

my fault

hobi: yeah your fault

maybe ur just projecting lol

jimin: yeah calling bullshit

if you didn’t punch him out of jealously

what did you punch him for???

tae: it’s cuz he was like feeling her up right in front of our faces right??

have he no respect?

jk: respect no he have?

tae: stop

jk: sorry

tae: actually nvm you were agreeing with me

agree some more

jk: i agree some more

tae: see?

jk: see??

tae: what a nasty pervert freak of a man

namjoon: look in a mirror

jimin: that’s crazy because i wasn’t talking you

tae: right joon shut the hell up

jk: zip it

jimin: you as in YOU taehyung and jungkook

i was talking to hobi not you guys

jk: oh

tae: we talk for hobi

hobi: no you don’t

tae: we ARE hobi

jk: i’m not hobi

or am i?????

ohmgod am i???

yoongi: ur all so annoying

y/n: ok hoseok wasn’t jealous are you stupid??

why would he be jealous?????

hobi: right!

i was drunk

jin: i swear you didn’t drink last night??

hobi: ur not helping?

jimin: i’m telling you it’s bullshit

tae: ok now let’s talk about how that was coolest thing hobi’s ever done in his life should of tagged me in fr fr

i would of gone crazy no joke 💯💯

we would of got him so bad hobi

#dreamteam 😍

namjoon: taehyung

tae: what?

i’m just saying

y/n: say one more thing

tae: i’m sorry

sorry

SORRY 😢

jimin: so the plot thickens!!

hobi: there is not plot

there is no jealousy

jin: ok why did you punch him then

hobi: i was drunk i said that already

jin: you DIDN’T drink

guys why is he lying to us

do you not trust us???

come on step into my office hoseok

open up to daddy jin

y/n: ew???

jin: ew?

y/n: that’s what i said

jin: but in spainnnnnn

y/n: stop

jin: 🫰🏻

yoongi: hobi do you want to fuck y/n?

hobi: what

yoongi: answer the question

y/n: yoongi wtf???

namjoon: yoongi please

jk: DO NOT ANSWER DO NOT ANSWER DO NOT ANSWER

hobi: i’m not answering that wtf

jimin: i think we all know his answer anyways

yoongi: yeah

but i want him to say it

tae: waitttt kinky

say it hoseok 😋😋😋

namjoon: can we not rn…

jimin: tae you definitely need to add him to ur stupid little group chat

tae: ummmm

it’s not stupid it’s real actually

jk: real men only!!!

tae: hobi are you a real man?

hobi: what

tae: are you real??

hobi: yeah

jk: say it

hobi: say what?

tae: i’m real

hobi: i’m real?

tae: REAL UGLY

HAHAHA

jk: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

hobi: u guys are so unfunny it hurts

tae: got you lolz

namjoon: taehyung stop talking

tae: forgive me? 🥺

hobi tried to come for what we stand for

hobi: i literally didn’t???

it was jimin

jin: hey wait what group chat??

let me in what the hell

yoongi: no

jin: ur in the gc too??

yoongi: am i?

jk: he is

tae me joon and yoongi 💓

namjoon: can you stfu.

jin: EVEN JOON??????

let me in or ur all going to hell

y/n: yeah me too wtf??

tae: jin

between me and you

your invite may arrive soon

i’ve seen your eyes wondering as of late

jin: ????

what

yeah ok nvm!

i think i’ll live not being in ur gc

and if this is about what i think it’s about

count me out

jk: aw man :/

tae: wow so many haters in this life

you’ll regret this

you’ll be begging on ur knees to join real soon

y/n: WHAT ABOUT ME HELLO????

jk: hiiiiiii ^_^

y/n: ykw nvm idc

yoongi: you do

y/n: not

yoongi: yeah ok :3

namjoon: there is no group chat

jk: ??? yes there is don’t be silly joon 😂😂

namjoon: OHMYGOD LEARN HOW TO TAKE A FUCKING HINT

can we move on

wtf why am i asking you guys

i’m the leader

we are moving on.

y/n: THIS IS SEGREGATION

jk: ohmygod is this a race thing???

namjoon not again

jimin: LMFAOOOSJDJJK

y/n: i mean i was talking about gender

but this could be a race thing

is this a race thing????

jk: OHMYGOD NAMJOON UR A SEXIST TOO????

i thought that was just jimin

jin: no ur right

jk: oh ok!

jimin: can you stop

i’m NOT a sexist ok

but hobi DID punch jaehyun

hobi: wtf is ur problem

jimin: sorry i needed to put everyone back on track xx

hobi: there is no track

jimin: no there is a track and i put everyone back on it

jk: train track

yoongi: lay on one?

tae: LAYOVER YES

i know that album

it’s really good

indigo flopped

namjoon: shut up shut up shut up shut up

tae: so like gf wyd rn? *kicks feet giggles*

yoongi kicked tae out of “HOBI GOT HANDS!!”

yoongi: not sorry

jk: it’s ok i forgive you

yoongi: shut up

jk: ok

y/n: he told me we should go on a break…

jk: i had a break on my bike once

then it broke

so i had a breakless bike

and i couldn’t brake

so to stop i would just pedal into walls

my bike to this day has no breaks it makes me sad

namjoon: jungkook please just get a new bike

and y/n i’m sorry to hear about your break

jk: ok >.<

y/n: thanks ig

namjoon: wait

??????

break

ur on break

with jaehyun?

y/n: no i’m on a break with fucking usher

jin: A BREAK?????????????

jimin: WOAH WAIT HOLD ON

yoongi: is he fucking stupid???

jk: USHER???

hobi: no jungkook she’s talking about jaehyun

jk: oh

hobi: jaehyun

nct jaehyun your friend jaehyun.

jk: OHMYGOD WAIT WHAT WHATWHENDHDHDJDJD WHAT OHMYGOF OHMSYSH DKEJEJDJG SISHDJXMISSHENDODJDIDUSJEJFJDKDKFNDBDNDMDNDFNFNFNFMMF

jk added tae to “HOBI GOT HANDS!!”

jk: LOOK

tae: hey guys u missed me 😁?

jk: LOOK

tae: looking

jk: LOOKSKKSKSKDKDKDDKK

tae: holy shit

y/n are you ok??

jimin: THIS IS INSANE

y/n: yeah fuck him and fuck his break

yoongi: i’ll break his neck

jin: jungkook get ur friend

jk: JSNDNDNNDJJDJDFJNDJDJDJDJD ahshshxhdnxndnxnd JAJSHDBSBDBXBXNXNXJXJXJZHHXHXBSHSHSHXHZJZJXJXJXJJXJXJJDD SHSNDNDNDNDNXNDJJDXJXJXJX DHXJDJDNDNDNXXNZN

tae: woah

hobi: but are you like actually ok???

y/n: never been better

namjoon: no fr it’s ok if you’re upset

y/n: i’m not upset

jimin: wow

so like

wow

idk how to comfort people namjoon say something

namjoon: there there?

jin: chin up!!!!!

jk: I AM ALSO SINGLE THIS IS SUCH A COINCIDENCE LIKE WE ARE BOTH SINGLE AT THE SAME TIME WOW LIKE YEAH UR ON A HREAK BUT UR BASICALLY SINGLE THATS REALLY CRAZY LIKE HAHA LOL WE ARE SINGLE LOOK AT US TWO SINGLE PEOPLE WHO HAPPEN TO LIVE TOGETHER MAYBE WE SHOULD IDK LIKE HEHEH JSJSJJSJDJ

yoongi: when are we jumping him??

i can leave now

y/n: shut up

yoongi: you coming over?

y/n: no?

yoongi: boo

y/n: i’m going to hobi’s

hobi: you are??

jimin: to fight or fuck??

y/n: shut up

jin: that’s crazy

hobi broke up a happy home

hobi: i’m genuinely so sorry

i didn’t mean to

y/n: wasn’t even ur fault don’t apologise

he was a acting weird for a while

wanted to live in denial but it’s whatever idc!!!!!!!

tae: you clearly do care and that’s ok

y/n: i DON’T

tae: y/n

y/n: taehyung

jimin: ew like why is taehyung being all serious i hate it

tae: cuz this is serious

y/n: it’s not

tae: it’s ok to be upset

y/n: i know and i’m NOT

tae: y/n

y/n: i’m not upset omg????

stop being weird i’m like so ok it’s crazy

jimin: like crazy lolz

jin: that is the second time you’ve made that joke and it was just as unfunny as it was the first time you said it

jimin: why are you keeping tabs on me and what i say get a LIFE

jin: you make me want to kms

jimin: do it

jin: namjoon get him before i get violent

namjoon: guys can you see we have bigger issues going on rn

be serious for once

y/n: i’m fine

there is no serious issue

i’m ok

no tears

no noting

i’m fine ok? ok

tae: y/n

y/n: tae stop

ykw ur pissing me off

ur all pissing me off

y/n left “HOBI GOT HANDS!!”

hobi: oh wow

jin: i didn’t even do anything fr

jimin: i blame tae

yoongi: jaehyun is a bitch

jk: do you think she’ll let me kiss her now?

namjoon: jungkook shut up

tae do NOT message her

and yoongi do not even THINK about leaving your house rn

i think we need to have a group meeting or something

—

sorry this sucks i just needed a reason to get rid of jaehyun so we could move forward LMAO i’m sorry better things coming soon 😁🙏🏽

tags: @piw6n @92jinnies @birdie-vhs @kooksmilitarywife @hob3loveofmylife @jujubiism @bloopkook @ratchetpizza1 @myntalks @arloo00 @watamotee33 @y2kcy3brz @taiwan0618 @freyadanvers @gguksbeloved @raetf @bbsantc @winuvs @medicinemybish @bxnnyhime @leleluvsbts @baetukki @zyaaaszn @thelilbutifulthings @jazminethecreator @k4ngelz @jmnscutie @sopebubbles-replies @cynicalyoongs @lightningpussy54 @eunthv @gigiiiiislife @lowkeykin

[dangerousbride]

I don't know why people get mad all the time with your Ichiruki art on twitter, you follow what was stated in CFYOW (Can't Fuck Your Own Wife) to the letter.

I LAUGHED SO HARD AT THIS LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I could never be this funny omfg

[sinkableruby]

What are your top 5 Ougi scenes/appearances?

good ask to send me than,k you

starting from 5 well i guess i dont really have like a strict order except for maybe the top one i dont know i dont know i love all of them actually im just gonna do it in chrono order

um spoilers of course dont read this if u havent finished the whole anime (the whole anime!) there will be screencaps...

okay if im going chronoogically i must give my hat to owarimonogtari part 1. wait FUCK theres so many scenes in that shit.......... im gonna be running out of space damnit.... well to summarize it BRIEFLY... (how the fuck do you even summarize it briefly my feelings are large and want to burst out of my chest)... ougis sinister leading araragi down dark paths and poking at his past and knowing the deal but playing-dumbery and antics are just amazing. and shes so cool as she does it how did she get to be that cool! evil and cool.... thats the summary but the scene i would want to talk about is of course the showdown with hanekawa (the first one i guess). uh bc its like really funny? the showdown is great its such a fun buildup of tension and they're like passive-aggressive/plain-aggressive-but-still-loosely-following-social-boundaries trying fighting each other... its great. i think in the light novels when hanekawa says 'but i would have done a better job' ougis smile freezes. you can hear the glass break. you can just hear her in her head shes going like ".......................bitch,? so that's how you wanna play it?" i wish that got animated sometimes. and also of course. it ends how it ends.

its an incredible moment because literally the moment she says this you're like ah. i see. so ougi loses. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

LIKE GG NO RE 😭😭😭😭😭😭 SORRY OUGI YOU LOST.... DONMAI ITS OK DONT WORRY ABOUT IT. YOU DONT EVEN HAVE TO SEE ANYTHING AFTER ITS LIKE AH. GOTCHA. i was rooting for her to win when i was watching but... this was just so funny. the best way for things to have gone i think.

its also so good how she stands there after like. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.......... usually ougi is the one doing things to people and its funny but this is also just so hilarious its done so well.

i also want to talk about otori, because ougi in otori is very cool. my first time watching otori i was very in tune with nadeko so hearing ougi do a kinda takedown of her was a very interesting experience for me. she was very sinister and severe and foreboding...... very fun. and of course when it turns out she's been tugging at the strings..... heeheehee THATS SO COOL. i mean looking at these scenes like some of these shots are so cool.

^ the face of someone so evil......

ok going later

i never see people talking about this one but the scene in hitagi rendevous in owari ge that happens on the second episode after the ending is like. oogh. its like the big instance before the finale proper in ougi dark where the show starts fucking slapping you in the face screaming "PAY ATTENTION THERE'S SOMETHING IMPORTANT HAPPENING HERE"

like this shot this FUCKING SHOT. is it just me? is it just me am i the only one who feels acute pain at this? there's something about it thats just so............... like somethings wrong. like thats what i feel like something is wrong and im concerned for this person you feel me?

shes so tired trying to get his attention and do her job and all that shes pressing the doorbell laying down... and then she sees him and goes like 'im exhausted' and just keeps girlbossing like. and like asks araragi (from her perspective) not to kill her and hes just like no and shes just like damn that sucks oh well lol. like imagine being alive for 6 months having no home (shes laying on the god damn nameplate of his house augh...) and knowing full well you're about to die, the things youre seeing now will be some of the last things you ever experience before your consciousness is gone forever (bc she isnt going to hell shes being erased). that's so cool and awesome (horrifying). anyway ougi doesnt care shes got a job to do X) (shes so insane i love her)

also that home thing and the tiredness thing is one of the big things i wrote ougi stay about so ill just take the chance to plug it if ur still reading this go read my fic! i like it a lot i think its nice. its mostly funny but it also talks about this stuff too a bit. go read it

ok next.

dont know whether to count the different parts of this scene as separate or not but i think it shouldnt be separated bc its all important to the scene and that is OF COURSE: ougi dark starting with ougi's convo with tsukihi (the build up… it's oddly calm so you feel somewhat reassured but you KNOW something's going to happen… the buildup of tension starts here and keeps rising). the contents of that conversation, near the end are like, really cool things to be included because up until that point we still dont have SO much insight as to who ougi is but she opens up a bit to tsukihi here and its kind of a paradigm shift to see.

there's something so poignant about this fraught mood...

such an ougi way of talking about one's feelings about oneself...

at least for me when i was watching i was already like, kinda rooting for ougi bc i wanted bad things to happen to araragi (lol) but also like. ougis just so insanely entertaining and fun that like, uh obviously i would root for her here. so when this fun silly funny little fun character starts bustin out the:

its like woah wait huh back up hold on a second there. i care you>???????

like literally the whole confrontation with ougi and araragi it is just like oh no since when did i care about this character so much oh no oh god oh fuck...

like how come they gotta hit me with all these gut punches what did i do to deserve this

like whats so cool about it is with how its directed and the score (and the voice acting!! the seiyuu did an INCREDIBLE job) and everything you can tell shes scared but like again shes actually insane so she's just gonna be like yeah this is the right way for things to happen

(it seems a lot like she did all this wanting the outcome of her losing to araragi, at least to me. hanekawa also says so in the commentary tracks of ougi dark. so thats another layer. theres so many layers... i dont know how many of these layers people pick up on but by golly do i pick up on them)

and of course he saves her (imagine if he didnt? id kill him. WAIT ACTUALLY THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE "ARARAGI SHOULDNT HAVE SAVED HER" NEVER GO ON THE REDDIT DISCORD SERVER FOR MONOGATARI PEOPLE ACTUALLY THINK THIS WAY IM LITERALLY GOING TO KILL THEM ITS SO. ok i wont talk about it), and she gets mad and its like i KNEW you were putting up a bold front you had emotions this whole time and then its like. oh you had emotions this whole time and you were totally aware of everything and just kinda had to deal with it thats kinda fucked up (i think a lot about how being an oddity born of self-criticism necessarily means you have to be self-aware and how that leads to ougi being a kind of exceptional type of oddity and like how it ties into identity and like... all that stuff). but the emotional breakdown/outburst is so good... augggghhghhh its so good 😭😭😭

(like i think sometimes about how if they had done this wrong, it would feel out of place for ougis generally not-emotion-showing character/not emotional in general character, but they did it so well... its so good)

and of COURSE to cap off this perfect beautiful wonderful scene we get THE GWEH AKA THE PEAK OF FICTION. IT DOESNT GET BETTER THAN THIS. NO IM NOT JOKING. LITERALLY WHEN I SAW THIS I HAD AN EPIPHANY. NOT JUST BECAUSE ITS ADORABLE BUT BECAUSE ITS LIKE HOLY SHIT INTUITIVELY A PART OF ME UNDERSTANDS. THIS *IS* **THE** BEST CHARACTER. and i went to go pace around my room being hype about it. im not joking really bc the novel talks about it being like "an utterly unattractive true-to-life" groan or something that proves she has "substance" which is like... yeah! she's her own person! not just made of lies or w/e!! the gweh actually ties everything together in such a perfect way and i am physically incapable of remaining in bad mood after i see it. i saw it the first time and i was like :O -> :) -> :DDDDDDDDDD and that hasn't changed since it will always put a smile on my face 😌

also also ougi in zoku owari is incredible too so good. the TEEHEE THE TEEHEE IS SO AMAZING. like YEAH!!!! YOURE A LITTLE ROTTEN PRANKSTER TEEHEE!!!!!! YEAH!!!! TRICKSTER TIME TIME TO BE TRICKY A TRICKY LITTLE TRICKSTER YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! and we get more classic ougi exposition/explanation..... havent talked about this as much but their ideas are so interesting.... theyre so interesting and cool i would pay to hear them share ideas about things.............. anyway one other thing i really appreciate about this scene is the shared intimacy between ougi and araragi. it feels more personal yk. this sorta comfortable, natural, thoughtless intimacy is something i absolutely adore about their dynamic but it basically only happens right here in zoku owari, and not even so much in the light novel version. its interesting... i want to write about it. im GOING to write about it mark my words

also honorable mention to ougi in hanamonogatari. theres nothing like big enough about these scenes to mention in comparison with the rest of them bc theyre so short but. BOY OUGI YEAHHHHHHHHHHH HES TRANS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i saw that and i was like >:) yeah kanbaru wym hes been a boy this whole time >:)))) don't misgender him god...... >:))))))))))))) (AND HE LOOKS SO COOL THEY ANIMATED HIM SO COOL BC HES IN BOYMODE HES SUCH A BOY FUCK YEAH)

also fuck i didnt talk about the whole planetarium dream scene. that was also good.

ummm yeah i could just talk about this forever and keep talking about scenes and stuff but ill leave it here bc u said 5 and ive already technically named like 7 at least so. yeah. but i dont really have like a ranking order necessarily, except for ougi dark bc its just so so so SO good.

thank you for enabling my derangement ive been writing this since u sent it to me im so ougipilled right now you wouldnt even believe. im ougi wired.

[arsenalgbt]

background: lando norris singlehandedly put me thru F1 because of that one gif of him checking out a beefy taller older man. that's it. then Tumblr recommended me some dando posts which had Daniel Ricciardo and one particular meme 'not now kitten daddy's doing damage to his Spotify playlist' sold me. then I went to ao3, of course. I used the filtered tags I think? rating: E, most kudos.

this one idk how I stumbled upon cuz it's not rated E.

why this is a masterpiece: just look at my bookmarker's comment LMAO but fr. wow. the characterisation. the prose hit me. the rollercoaster I didn't know I voluntarily jumped on LMAOOO. I remember the way it made me feel. get it? it made me feel. made me determined to write fucking better, to be patient with my own plot, to put details, to hit such astounding word count that I had to gush to the author's Tumblr, asking for pointers LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (I really did).

go and read everything by her! seriously wtf. her hockey rpf fics are also TOP TIER. definitely had no fucking clue , needed to google these athletes' mugs to be able to immerse in the stories. so fucking worth it.

honestly not even exaggerating, the best rpf athletes fic I read in 2023. numero uno.

[isdalinarhot]

okay but real talk. moash is gay brand sand doesnt get it. BUT. considering the way brand sand is like moash sucks fuck him lmaoooooooooooooooo i really dont think. well i dont think it would be a good look for him to be like oh yeah sure btw he’s canonically into kaladin. like theres some stuff thats cool and swag when gay people on the internet do it but if the cishet author would do it i would be like 8|

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

Don Giovanni (Met, 1990): Reactions, Part I

about time i liveblogged don giovanni on this here account

@leporellian​

F MURRAY ABRAHAM MY ABSOLUTE BELOVED

those opening chords are the GOAT

(really, as i have already stated, the overture in general is the GOAT. but james l*vine is very much NOT the GOAT even tho those chords were PERFECTION.)

okay but for real it’s so cool to watch the set come into place

FERRUCCIO FURLANETTO AND LEPORELLO MY BELOVEDS

surely there is something significant in us hearing from leporello first 👀

GET HIS ASS DONNA ANNA (also carol vaness my beloved)

fuck any production that tries to make this “consensual” (and bravo to this production for NOT doing that)

goated opera dad

it’s all he does the whole opera

STUNNING cape

fuck youuuuuuuuuuuu

poor leporello

three low-voiced greats, this sublime music, likely the greatest opening scene in opera, what more could you want?

bitch

this line makes me HOWL every time

GO OFF LEPORELLO

too late :(

oh no oh honey

BITCH HER FATHER WAS JUST MURDERED

honestly i wanna see the version where donna anna inigo montoya’s don giovanni’s ass

“but savannah that goes against traditional gender roles in western societies” and THAT is the point here!!!! the men [ottavio] are so ineffective and like enforcing their little buddy clubs and norms but then the women [anna] cannot fight for themselves!!!

yeah and then you’re gonna do NOTHING

which does not exist

EXACTLY

just gonna leave this here

KARITA MATTILA AND DONNA ELVIRA MY ABSOLUTE BELOVEDS

once again: elvira is not crazy!!! she’s like helena in a midsummer night’s dream, chasing after the man who ruined her life and caused her to violate the societal norms in hope of respectability!!! and there’s lots of other complicated feelings there too!!!

ICONIC

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

this moment right here is *chef’s kiss*

ONCE AGAIN: GET HIS ASS DONNA ELVIRA

something something anna/elvira inside/outside society compare and contrast

me trying to explain anything without writing it down first

also: bye bye you little coward

EXACTLY. he isn’t worth worrying about but elvira has her rights anyway

CATALOGUE ARIA TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HER FACE 😂😭

all bow to the one true king

oh this is a BOP (also pretty set)

DAWN UPSHAW AND ZERLINA MY BELOVEDS

(seriously this cast is so GOATed)

don giovanni: here i am to cause problems on purpose

oh come on leporello (more accurately: come on director)

what a dick

unrelated but samuel ramey: consummate musician and actor, like even in the way he taps the hilt exactly with the harpsichord chords

masetto pls calm down

WHICH YOU ARE NOT

she says “NO I DON’T WANT TO”

i love this duet but in light of her LITERALLY just saying no…😬

no no no no noooooooooooo

anyway this is being stupid so rest of act one will be on a different post

[astoryisaloveaffair]

Fire Meet Gasoline - Chapter 1: Disturbia

*gif by @buckypascal

Pairing: Dieter Bravo x Personal Assistant Fem!Reader

Fic Summary: Months after filming Cliff Beasts 6, Dieter is in a massive slump. Dieter’s agent hires him a personal assistant to make him get his shit together. This is an “I can make him worse” trope

Read on A03

Spotify Playlist

»»———————►

Chapter Summary: Dieter meets his new PA, you

Word Count: 4300

Chapter Rating: E, 18+, Lemon

Chapter Warnings: Drug use, alcohol consumption, cussing, masturbation, Dieter being a slut, voyeurism

A/N: Hello all, I am back with another chapter 1 to add to the Masterlist LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I did NOT expect to feel the need to write for this character but I am the 2% that enjoyed the movie and I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM! I don’t feel comfortable writing all of P’s characters, so I’m really excited to meet this one. Because if there’s anything I know, it’s how to write a broken mess of a man with a drug problem. This will NOT be Fix You, there will be no “I can fix him.” This is going to be a full dumpster fire. I’m excited to throw you into it. I hope you enjoy! <3 Monica

*Also, go check out this fanart by @beskarberry​ bc it absolutely inspired a scene. Dividers by @firefly-graphics​

That fucking noise again. 

His hand shot out from beneath the pile of twisted and sweat soiled sheets, groping blind as it bangs against every surface of the nightstand except the top. 

“God fucking dammit, shut the fuck UP.” His palm finally connects with the flat square of his phone, fingertips lifting and pressing to find the “dismiss call” button, but ultimately knocks the device onto the floor.

With a snarl, he turns and flips back into the bed facing the opposite direction, yanking the blanket back over his head as the caller eventually gives up.

For 2 minutes. And then it rings again. And then multiple text messages. And 5 more calls. 

He picks up the phone. “WHAT?!”

“Fucking finally Bravo, what the fuck! I’ve been calling you all day!”

“Well I’ve been sleeping all day.”

“And yesterday?”

“No, I was smoking crack yesterday.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“Yea. It was just coke.”

“Dieter, it’s been months. You need to get back out there, get your shit together, read some scripts, do some auditions. I don’t want the agency to give up on you and drop you.”

Dieter sighs, scrubbing his dried sweat sticky forehead.

“I don’t know how to do that.”

“Well I do. We’re hiring you a PA.”

You really, honestly, didn’t think they were serious. 

Only one month into the shutdown of the country and you were laid off and unable to claim unemployment, the offices were backed up on requests and there was no one to answer the damn phones. 

Oh, and you lived paycheck to paycheck. 

Your resume is all over the place. Side jobs while in college turning into actual jobs that just carried through to where you are now. You’ve gained an incredible amount of knowledge and experience in just about everything, but never just enough to firmly set you in an actual career. If asked, you guess you would say you were most confident in your time management, organization, and determination.

Which is what made you apply to an incredibly ambiguous job posting calling for someone with your exact strengths. You fully expected to not be selected, or for the job to be a scam. No company name, no location, but an incredibly good salary promise considering there was nothing else on the damn ad other than what they were looking for.

So here you are, in some unexpected bigwig office in Los Angeles, after three very vague and strange zoom interviews discussing your skills to various different people. None of which were sitting before you today.

But hey, they flew you out to LA free of charge, on a private plane, in the middle of a pandemic, so how can you complain?

“My assistants were very impressed with you.” Says the man in front of you, who looks eerily like Tony Stark. 

“Oh, thank you! I’m really excited to be here. I’ve…never been to LA before. Thank you so much for covering the travel.”

He waves his hand, not to dismiss you, but as if he just didn’t have the time to spend with small talk. “I’m going to get right into it. My client needs a personal assistant. Someone smart, someone who isn’t easily frustrated, someone who can get a very chaotic person in line, get him functional and in the right head game. A go-getter. We’ve had some struggles finding the right person.” 

“Oh, okay. Yes, I’m very confident I would be able to help someone stay on track.”

He cuts you off before you can continue with your strengths. “The reason you are here is because you already have been cleared and approved for the job, but I need to give you more details because this…is an odd situation.”

“COVID has made everything strange. I’m sure I can handle it.”

“Alright, well, the client is a big name actor who is kind of…difficult. He’s not very great at managing his schedule or motivating himself, so we would need you to be able to give him that push. Due to COVID, you would be staying in his house after a quarantine period, but there’s a guest house that will be yours so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable. And both of you are fully vaccinated. Pretty much anything he needs, I would need you to do. Getting him up, doing his laundry, making him attend his appointments as well as keeping his schedule, responding to his emails, being on-call for me twenty four seven because he never answers his phone, basically being his mother. Is that workable for you?”

For this pay? I’ll take anything. “Yes. I am absolutely positive I can do this. If I can manage an entire team of seasonal high schoolers, I can handle one man.”

“Great. Well, go ahead and enjoy the weekend here, and we will be in touch shortly to coordinate your move.”

“I will, thank you! I’m really excited to start!” You stand up with a smile, ‘Mr. Stark’ nods at you and you turn to exit the office. He calls out to you before you exit. 

“Oh, and one more thing. It’s completely harmless, but you need to be comfortable being mildly sexually harassed on a daily basis. He won’t touch you, but he is very annoying. Okay?”

You nod absently, not really taking in the statement until you are escorted out of the building and into the town car back to your hotel.

Who the fuck is this job for?

It took about two weeks. Two weeks to fly back home, send your rent information to your new employer, pack up your necessary shit, and make the journey back to LA. 

The house was beautiful, a modern styled home set in the foothills with an open floor plan, several patios, a pretty garden area featuring a pool and hot tub, and further back into the garden, the little bungalow guest cottage that would be your new home. 

Mr. Bravo wasn’t there, he had been shooting a short film for a fashion company and quarantining himself, so you and firm associates who came with you had plenty of time to get you settled without interruption, all while social distancing. Your quarantine had already been spent bored out of your mind in a hotel, you were excited to be around people and nature again.

The guest house was out back but still maintained its own privacy, tucked behind a few trees and large bushes. Wooden steps carved into a slope led up to the dark blue cottage, a picnic table with padded seating at the front entrance. It was small, but nice, a loft style cottage with a seating area, kitchen, and dining nook, with a ladder up to another floor that housed the loft with a bed and large flat screen TV.

After making sure you were comfortable, the other employees bid you farewell and let you know your formal meeting would be tomorrow, and that ‘Mr. Stark’, Bravo’s agent, would be present to make sure it went smoothly.

Part of you was incredibly nervous. It was a risk to take a job away from home, working in the same space as someone you’d never met before, despite reassurances that if you needed to back out for any reason, you would be helped immediately. It made you remember that you weren’t the first attempt to get this man a PA, and it made you worry that maybe you’d bitten off more than you could chew.

But you also didn’t have many other options. This was the first job you’d gotten after months of searching, defaulting on bills, and putting off your landlord. And now, suddenly, all of it was taken care of, and you were making almost double what you had been before you lost your job. You had to give this a real shot. You would. You shoved off all other concerns, content to binge watch true crime documentaries on Netflix late into the night until you finally fell asleep.

He arrived home at two in the morning under strict directions “to leave her alone until tomorrow’s meeting.”

No problem there. Dieter didn’t even want a damn PA, didn’t need one. He functioned on his own just fine, thank you very much. Sometimes. Occasionally. He threw his bags on the floor of the foyer, not bothering to even move them out of the way before heading up to bed.

He left you alone until the next morning.

His agent had threatened to drop him again if he didn’t get up for this meeting, so Dieter woke up surprisingly early and groggily padded down to the kitchen for coffee. While it brewed, he turned, leaning against the counters as he looked out over the back yard. And saw you.

You were having coffee too, resting in one of the lounge chairs by the pool in the soft morning light, the fairy lights he’d strung over the yard on mushrooms that one time were lit, obviously by you, and they twinkled warm light against your skin as the sun continued to rise through the sky. You were wrapped in a large Mexican style blanket he forgot he had, your head tilted up to the sky, eyes closed, a soft smile on your face. Two little feet poked out of the bottom of the blanket and the toes curved over the side of the chair cushion. 

Coffee brewed, he filled a mug and quietly tiptoed out the sliding door, around the corner of the house, and sliding into a chair near you without you noticing. He arranged himself carefully, pulling his robe open a little to expose his upper chest and his legs and thighs, bending one leg at the knee before demanding your attention.

“Hey there beautiful, you here for me?”

You startle, thankful that you’d already finished most of the coffee in your cup before it splashes over the side of the rim and onto the grass as you turn abruptly around to see a completely disheveled older man in a bathrobe and not much else, posing on a chair like he’s some kind of porn star. A bad porn star.

“What the fuck…?!”

He peers over his sunglasses and raises an eyebrow, blatantly sweeping his eyes up and down your form, now revealed more when you’d jerked out of the blanket in surprise. His agent did a damn good job this time, you were smoking hot in his opinion, and he looked over your pajamas appreciatively before you pulled the blanket back around your shoulders. 

You sigh. “Good morning Mr. Bravo.”

He grins, getting up from his chair to slide in one adjacent to you, his robe hanging open to let you know which kind of underwear he preferred. You prayed to whatever was up there that it had a button closure. 

“Good morning to me! You must be my sugar baby.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yea, I requested my agent find me a baby.”

You pause, furrowing your brow as you replay the interviews in your head. Did—wait. No. Fuck this guy. Your expression rolls into a glare. “Very funny. I’m your new personal assistant.”

“Boo, that’s disappointing. Listen, I’m not sure what David told you but I don’t really need you.”

You scoff. “That’s not what I heard. I heard you can barely get your lazy ass out of bed, so I'm here to help you do that and get your shit together. Got it?”

He blinks at you rapidly, not expecting such dominance from you. It kinda turned him on. Actually, it turned him on a lot. Perfect.

“I’ve been able to grow a career without one of you, I don’t need one now, so here’s how it’s gonna work baby cakes: I’m the boss, so if you stay out of my way, you’ll get your paycheck and I won’t make your life miserable. Now let’s get down to business. Do you want to have sex later?”

You scoff and roll your eyes. “Please. How old are you? Can you even get it up?”

“Do you want to try and see?”

“You’re disgusting.”

“I’m your boss.”

You open your mouth to retort, but another voice cuts you off.

“No, I’m her boss. And for now, she’s your boss.”

You heave a sigh, thankful that ‘Mr. Stark’ had the foresight to arrive early. He sighs, ripping his sunglasses and mask off dramatically and glares at Dieter. “I thought I told you to leave her alone.”

Dieter pouts. “You can’t just plant a hot chick in my house and not expect me to check her out.”

“It’s fine.” You interrupt. “Just getting to know each other. I didn’t realize you’d be here early, I’m sorry for my state of dress. Let me go put on actual clothes.”

“You can wear sweatpants everyday for all I care, as long as you get this man to be more responsible.”

You nod, wrapping the blanket around you more as you get up and head to your cottage, empty mug in one hand. You turn before entering the house, looking back at the two men to see ‘Mr. Stark’ ushering Dieter back into the house talking sternly to him.

He is old. And weird, and incredibly inappropriate, but for some inexplicable reason to you he’s still attractive. A brown mop of unruly curls peppered with white and chestnut brown streaks. A smattering of facial hair that is so patchy you can’t tell if it’s laziness or if he just can’t grow it. Warm golden skin with not too much hair, freckles and moles peppering his neck and behind his ears. Thick, healthy thighs and the swell of a tummy that is simply softened from age, not necessarily bad health. And that shit-eating grin, god dammit did that grin feel like a ray of sunshine. It almost made you forget about the bullshit coming out of those pouty lips. 

At least he would be pleasing to look at while he solicited you. It could have been Jon Lovitz.

You dress quickly and head back into the main house. Dieter is still in his robe and boxers and lounging on the couch with his feet up, not caring one bit how far up his underwear you might be able to see. You sit on the opposite couch next to ‘Mr. Stark’, going over expectations, sharing passwords, signing paperwork, and finally receiving a schedule book that has seen less and less activity over the past six months.

You’re given a brief tour of the house proper, as well as alarm codes, Wifi passwords, lists of Dieter’s favorite foods and shops in the area, as well as numerous phone numbers to call ‘should you have any issue at all’, ‘Mr. Stark’ assures you, sliding a glare to Dieter who is stuffing his face with Cheetos.

Finally, after ensuring you are comfortable and understanding the expectations, ‘Mr. Stark’ leaves, and you are once again alone with Dieter Bravo.

But surprisingly, he leaves you alone, grabbing a massive handle of vodka and heading back up to the Master Bedroom or god knows where on the upper floor. You take the opportunity to look through the house once more, taking more time in each nook and cranny as you acquaint yourself further to your new home. He has three additional guest rooms on the upper floor with another seating area, a secret movie theater, the most well-stocked bar you’ve ever seen leading out to the patio area you were in before, which is your favorite part of the home. A medium sized pool surrounded by tiki torches with a sectioned off hot tub, framed by lush, green plants and bushes hiding a tall wooden fence. 

You should have brought a swimsuit.

There are potted plants on the tiling, a pair of trees tucked back further towards your cottage with those fairy lights you turned on last night hanging on them. It’s here where you stop, settling back into one of the lounge chairs as you look over your notes and planner once more. You head into your cottage and grab your laptop and another notebook, compiling everything into your own daily guideline for him, link up to the Wifi, browse his email, and finally set everything aside, logging onto Tumblr to fuck around while you soak up the sun.

Curious, you type his name into the search bar on Tumblr to see what comes up, and you’re surprised to find a much different perception of him than what you saw through Google. He was good to fans, lots of accounts had pics with him that they’d clearly interrupted him for. You’d read the exact opposite, that he was kind of a dick. His most recent movie, Cliff Beasts 6, had been an absolute flop, but he still seemed to have a solid fanbase. You browsed through interviews, gifsets, thirst posts, and even the hate posts, trying to formulate a better idea of the man through fandom’s eyes.

He’d been loved. But he’d fallen off the face of the planet.

Why?

He didn’t intend to watch you, but once he started, he couldn't stop.

You weren’t what he’d expected. He’d expected another doe-eyed simp who over-coddled him, or another overly professional type who would be scared off by his constant sexual needling. Young men who were too confused about their sexualities to be able to handle him and their own feelings. It’d become a game to him. How fast can I get them to quit? 

But not once had he been met with someone like you. You, who had immediately clapped back at him, taking his intimidation tactics and shoving them right up his ass when you sassed the shit out of him and told him exactly what you thought about him.

And it set him on fire. Not the mischief in your eyes, not your soft looking lips, not your skin glowing under the sun, not the hint of your bra-less tits he’d seen when the blanket fell off your shoulders, not the neon green toenail polish, not the little hints of cellulite on your thighs. Well, those things definitely helped, but it was you. You were fascinating. It terrified him. So he drank.

He made himself scarce as you wandered his home, his breath hitching when you wandered near his bedroom but you didn’t enter. When you went back downstairs he moved out to the patio, watching you as you wandered around the perimeter of the pool before gathering your things and sitting back down, biting your lip occasionally as you did whatever you were doing. 

Fuck. This didn’t work out too well for him last time. 

He has to get rid of you.

He should go back inside, but he doesn’t, he keeps staring and eventually you must feel his eyes on you because you look up, meeting his eyes with absolutely no hint of fear in them. And you smile at him. God fucking DAMMIT.

“Hi.” You call up to him.

He waves back. “Hi.”

You set down your laptop, shifting in the lounge chair so you’re facing his direction. “Have you thought about dinner Mr. Bravo? I would like to go to the store tomorrow to get some things for you cause you only have junk food here, but I could order out for something?” you pull your phone out and wave it at him slightly.

He calls back down, leaning against the railing of the upper patio. “Oh…you…you don’t have to do that. Grocery shop for me I mean.”

“It’s my job to make your life and career easier. It’s helpful to have better nutrition, you know. If you eat like shit, you feel like shit. And I happen to really enjoy cooking.”

That grabs his attention, and he sets the vodka down on the patio wood and sails down the stairs and out the door to the lounge chair you’re sitting sideways on. You look up at him like you’ve known him forever, scooting a little so he can sit beside you. You hand him your phone. “Here. I pulled up Doordash and entered all my info so no one will know it’s you. Do you want to scroll through the options?” 

He takes the phone gingerly, fingertips grazing yours and it’s like electricity running through his finger pads, up his fingers and spreading in his palms before shooting up his arm and right to his heart.

He refocuses as you continue to look at him with a soft smile, eventually choosing a restaurant. He feels like his heart might stop when you lean in towards him while you scroll through the menu together and make your selections. You smell so good, sweet and like tropical fruits with a hint of musk to it from the heat of the sun. He finds himself zoning out again until he realizes you’re about to pay for the food with your own debit card.

“Hey, no, no!” He slaps it out of your hand dramatically like it had poison on it, and you turn slowly to glare at him in response.

“Dude, what the fuck?!”

“Sorry, sorry. You’re not using your own money to get me food. Gimme.” He takes the phone from you and puts in his card information, handing back your phone afterwards before reaching into his robe pocket. “Here.”

He presses another card into your hands. “This is a card you can use for whatever you need that David funds from mine. If you have to buy me shit, use this I guess.”

“Thank you.”

He grunts, apparently diving back into another mood as he abruptly heaves himself off the chair and stalks back into the house. 

The food arrives and you eat separately, and you decide to head back to your cottage early. But you can’t sleep. After tossing and turning for at least an hour, you get back up and stare out into the backyard for a while. 

The hot tub looked amazing.

You slide your gaze up to where the master bedroom is, the almost wall to wall windows were dark and he’d clearly gone to sleep. 

You undress quickly, sifting through your things for a bralette that would serve as a bathing suit top with the already serviceable panties you had on. You tiptoed quietly across the lawn, toeing the tub to make sure it was warm before slowly wading into it fully, heaving a sigh at the way the heat relaxed your muscles and quieted your thoughts.

Dieter fucking Bravo. Dieter Bravo who won an Oscar. Dieter Bravo who’d recently had an embarrassing breakup. Dieter Bravo who just walked out of his room and is watching you blatantly in the dim lighting of the patio lights. You meet his eyes and stand up, feeling the warm water dripping down your body as you turn to scramble out of the tub.

“It’s okay. Use it.” You can barely hear his voice but it still sounds like he’s saying it right in your ear. Your heart pounds with excitement and you don’t know why, but it keeps you from moving either direction. Your nipples pebble in the breeze and you’re suddenly aware that your underwear might be see-through as you stand in the light, confirming it when you meet his eyes once more. His hand is palming his crotch. He pauses.

You don’t know why the fuck you say it, you just do. “Keep going.”

He tilts his head, and you see the light from a cigarette or a bowl flare up at his lips briefly before his hand moves back down to his crotch. He doesn’t break eye contact as he pulls his boxers down enough to pull his cock out, you can barely see it as he rests the waistband underneath his balls.

Your lips part. Your nerves are all firing at once and adrenaline is pumping through your veins and it feels good and you don’t want it to stop. It’s wrong. It’s wrong, and it’s weird, and you shouldn’t encourage it. But you like it.

He starts stroking himself, slowly at first and even though you can only see the silhouettes of him outlined by the backyard lights, you can still see the movement of his hand, the way he’s gripping the banister with one hand, slightly hunched over it as he fucks into his fist.

He’s whispering under his breath and it carries to you with the breeze. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” but you aren’t because the fact that you have this grown man jacking himself off to the sight of you in your soaked through underwear makes you feel so fucking alive and powerful in a way you’ve never felt before.

You don’t look away for one second.

He speeds up, his mouth opening as his breaths come quicker, heavier, until you can hear them from where you are. It makes heat swirl in your tummy, negating any of the chill you might feel from being in the open air. You step forward and lick your lips.

He openly moans, pinching his eyes shut as he strokes himself faster and faster, whimpers and curses and pleas to just stay. There. Until he releases a broken sob, throwing his head back as he comes onto his hand and all over the patio floor. 

When his breathing evens out and he looks back down, the backyard is empty, like you hadn’t even been there at all.

You don’t think you’ve ever run so fast as you fly through the door and close it as quickly and silently as possible, pressing your back against the wood of the wall beside it while you drip all over the floor.

What the fuck did you just do?

Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist for this or any others!

[roimp]

I HAVE TWO ANIMAL STORIES I JUST REMEMBERED @roonilwazlibweasley @justadreamyhufflepuff sit down for the show

no english simply incoherence here anyways let's begin lol

OK SO FIRST ONE I DID NOT GET TO WITNESS BUT WHEN ME AND MY BROTHER CAME BACK FROM SCHOOL MY MUM TOLD US THAT A MONKEY CAME INSIDe!?!?!?!? LMAO SO BASICALLY OUR DINING TABLE HAS THIS GREY THING WHERE WE KEEP FRUITS AND STUFF AND THERE WERE BANANAS HANGING THERE TOO. IN THAT OLD HOUSE OUR WINDOWS HAD BARS AND STUFF BUT SOMEHOW A GROWN MONKEY GOT IN AND LITERALLY SAT ON THE DINING TABLE AND STARTED EATING THE BANANAS LOL THEN MY MUM CAME IN AND WENT ?!!??!?!? BECAUSE WTF HOW DID A MONKEY GET IN AND WHY IS IT EATING MY BANANAS

SO SHE TRIED TO MAKE IT GO AWAY BUT IT JUST LOOKED AT HER LIKE 😐 BITCH 😐 SO SHE CALLED MY DAD AND HE TRIED TO DO IT TOO BUT IT STILL JUST LOOKED AT HIM LIKE 😐 BITCH 😐 SO HE GOT A STICK AND SCARED IT AWAY I GUESS I DONT REMEMBER PROPERLY (HE DIDNT HIT IT JUST gO aWaY) ANYWAYS THE MONKEY LEFT THROUGH THE BARS AGAIN SOMEHOW BUT IT TOOK ALL THE FUCKING BANANAS LMAOSJHDSJHA I HATE BANANAS SO GOOD FOR ME THO

ok second story

SO THAT LAST ONE WAS LIKE 6 Y EARS AGOO THIS ONE HAPPENED LAST YEAR

I LIVED IN THIS TEMPORARY HOUSE FOR A FEW MONTHS AND THERE OUTSIDE OF THE WINDOW THERE WERE LOTS OF CATS I MEAN I COULDNT GO THERE BECAUSE IT WAS DIRTY AND STUFF BUT YEAH LOTS OF CATS WERE THERE (ALSO I WAS DUMB AND IDNT CARE ABOUT CATS THEN :() AND THEY ALWAYS FOUGHT LIKE MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW DK WHAT WAS GOING ON AND IT'S NOT EXACTLY RELEVANT BUT CATS ARE CATS SO WHO CARES

ANYWAYS MY MUM HAD MADE FISH FOR LUNCH THAT DAY LIKE SHE HAD KEPT A PLATE OF IT NEAR THE STOVE TO COOK AND THERE WAS A WINDOW IN THE KITCHEN SO SHE LEFT FOR SOME REASON LIKE WENT TO MY ROOM IDK AND WHEN SHE CAME BACK TO THE KITCHEN A CAT WAS SLIPPING OUT OF THE WINDOW WITH A FISH IN ITS MOUTH SHDJXHDHHDHJHSJDJ IT JUST TOOK ONE OF THEM AND MY MUM WAS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AND MY BROTHER WAS 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 AND I JUST LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY MUM WAS SO PARANOID AFTER THAT THE NEXT TIME SHE MADE FISH SHE CLOSED THE WINDOWS AND LIKE SHE WAS RIGHT LMAO THE CAT CAME AGAIN AND TRIED TO STEAL I FORGOT HOW SHE KNEW BUT YEAHSJHDXJSD

I read all this and first I'd like to say that IM LIKE LAUGHING OUT LOUD ALL OF THIS IS SO FUNNY AJSGSKDHDJHE

OK SO FIRST STORY OMG MONKEYS AJSGDKDH AND OFC HE ATE ALL THE BANANAS LMFAO IDK I DONT HAVE MUCH COMMENTARY LIKE JUST ALL OF THIS IS SO FUNNY LOLOL

OMG CATS AAAAAAAAAA (YOU DUMBASS CARE ABOUT CATS) MEOW MEOW MEOW FIGHTING LOL AJSGDJSH OMG ANIMALS JUST KEEP STEALING FOOD FROM YOU ROSE LOL

.

OK SO IM GONNA ADD MY STORIES HERE TOO OKAY SO I LIVE NEAR LIKE A HILL OR KINDA LIKE JUNGLE YOU CAN SAY SO LIKE NOWADAYS MONKEYS FROM THERE HAVE BEEN COMING TO MY SOCIETY IN SEARCH OF LIKE FOOD AND STUFF OKAY SO WHAT HAPPENED WAS MY PARENTS HAD KEPT LIKE SMALL FOOD LIKE CHANNA OR SM FOR SQUIRRELS TO EAT OKAY BUT LIKE 10 DAYS AGO THIS HAPPENED SO ME AND MY SISTER WERE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM AND LIKE I WANTED TO WATCH TV SO I HAD CLOSED THE WINDOWS OKAY AND AFTER SOME TIME WE SEE A MONKEY COME AND LIKE FUCKING EAT THE FOOD AND JUST LEAVE LOL LIKE ????? WE CALLED MY PARENTS AND THEY TOOK A VIDEO LOL AND WE WERE JUST LIKE "GOOD THAT WE CLOSED THE WINDOW" LOL (EVEN THOUGH IT COMING INSIDE CHANCES WERE LESS) WAIT I JUST ASKED MY DAD FOR THE VIDEO LOL ILL ADD IT HERE OKAY LOOK

AKSGSJSH JUST ATE THE FOOD AND RAN AWAY LOL

ONE MORE MONKEY STORY SO THIS ALSO HAPPENED LIKE LAST WEEK SO I WAS SITTING IN LIVING ROOM WITH MY DAD AND SISTER OKAY AND I WAS FACING AWAY FROM THE WINDOW (IM VERY CLOSE TO THE WINDOW) AND TALKING WITH MY DAD AND SUDDENLY MY SISTER SCREAMS AND WE ARE LIKE ??????? GIRL WHAT HAPPENED AND I LOOK BEHIND AND A MONKEY WAS THERE AJSGSJSJ AND IT LIKE GOT SCARED AND FROZE BY MY SISTER'S SCREAM BUT THEN WE MOVED SO IT MOVED TOO AND IT RAN AWAY AND LIKE THE WINDOW WAS OPEN AND I WAS SO CLOSE TO THE WINDOW AJSGSKDJDKD

AND THOSE ARE MY STORIES LOL

[akayv]

keep in mind that when i say this i say it with mostly dark humor BUT my mom gave me the best gift possible when it comes to meeting new people aka sad backstory

[minecraftrelatedrandomness]

Aqua’s Live Reactions: “Quackity Visits Dream and Technoblade in Prison”

So... as it turns out, time zones, sleep, school and more school do not mix well with DSMP lore, since I’m currently typing the start of this post during my lunch break about 11 hours after the lore drop - the lore drop happened less than an hour before I was gonna sleep (which is already a fucked up sleep schedule on my part), so obviously I couldn’t watch the damn lore stream... and like 4 people did a loredrop today, so I’m prioritizing c!Quackity POV above c!Techno POV (might watch c!Techno POV later) and reacting to his side of the story first. Oh, and this is posted more than 11 hours after the lore drop because I have supplementary classes after school, mandatory school-sanctioned stuff, and I’m not risking a truancy record for the lore streams, especially NOT during my final year at secondary school.

Here’s a disclaimer: I’m watching the VOD and know next to nothing that has happened because I refused to check my notifications for over 12 hours just so I can get a genuine reaction out of this. I might have caught a glimpse of a spoiler while I was barely awake, but outside of trigger warnings that I asked for and that the TV Tropes (iconic/signature) quotes page has updated, that’s about it. 

This whole post is within the context of the SMP, so /rp and /dsmp applies to everything under the cut.

0:00 - Since I’m watching the VOD, I get to see the comments in full glory. cc!Quackity has commented “oh no”. Oh no indeed. I am not sure what to expect. Something has happened, and it is bad, I can feel the vibes. Also, the comments have spoilers. Rough times.

0:14 - The netherite axe has so low durability......

0:20 - Holy shit, the shears are named “Wardens Torment”. They actually named the shears to be a torture implement

0:33 - Q why do you have like 5 bottles of enchanting, I don’t know what that’s for but I think it’s plot relevant in some way

0:58 - “ringing that stupid bell” LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE BELL FROM THE LAST VISIT!!!!! TECHNO YOU CHEEKY BASTARD /pos

1:35 - “This is the most secure place on the entire server” and what if the nuke is hidden there? The missing Snowchester nuke? It’s just a theory, but I’m in the mood for a conspiracy at the moment

1:54 - “the point is the revival book” no it isn’t, you said it yourself in the last big lore stream

2:19 - “there’s two of them and one of me” yeah, q, i know. i know you. your weaknesses. and how you suppressed one of your own strengths to be able to do this shit. i know all about you.

2:25 - “they could do anything” ...paranoid tendencies much? I mean you’re right to be wary but still...

2:33 - really? an ad at this time? ffs the number of ads on youtube has only gone up since covid started........ i hate it here /neg

2:50 - “sleep. just in case something bad happens” oh i know..... this sounds like foreshadowing

2:55 - THE BELL SAD;FJASL;KJS;DALKFJAS;ZDJFAS;ZLDFKJAS; LMAOOOO WE CAN HEAR IT FROM BEYOND THE LAVA CURTAIN THIS IS AMAZING

3:14 - “it’s a long story” oh does sam know about dreamxd now?

3:35 - “I hope this is the last time I have to be here” oh q........ there’s some meaning behind this quote. i know it. but for the life of me, i can’t figure it out yet... does this mean you want to kill the two fuckers in there or something? you know techno has like all 3 of his lives intact, right? he’s gonna... well, I think you know what happened the last time you tried to knock him down a peg

3:46 - “it’s for the good of the country as well” ah yes so las nevadas is aligned with the prison officially? police state /j i mean it’s always been unofficially there but still...

4:30 - ah, so he admits it

4:32 - HOW DID THEY GET A DOG?? I understand q’s reaction fully. “What” indeed.

4:40 - sam’s right, the lava is acting weird. did dream and techno sabotage it or something? I remember how techno’s last couple of streams ended, or at least I’ve heard enough about it........... i think it’s sabotage

5:08 - “<Technoblade> cringe” LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT’S SO TYPICAL OF HIM. HE’S BACK. MY LITTLE OINK OINK. /HJ

5:31 - oh so now DREAM is onto something? what do you MEAN you don’t have time and to hurry up?? do they have a plan in there or something? i know this episode is a jailbreak waiting to happen but there’s something bigger at play here, I feel

5:52 - LMAOOOOOO WAIT. WAIT. DREAM STILL HAS HIS LAVENDER RIBBON FROM THE LAST MCC ON. HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE IN A CANONICAL WAY. HOW. EXPLAIN.

5:53 - also sam WHAT DO YOU MEAN TO “KILL THE DOG”??? THAT’S A WHOLE PUPPER IN THERE. I mean I don’t sympathize much with c!Dream or c!Techno that much but I want to know how tf the dog got in there first at least

5:56 - q says “i’m not gonna kill a puppy-” sam says to kill the dog. well at least someone here has a semblance of morals here /j

6:28 - oh so it begins... he’s here... this is gonna be fun /s

6:44 - TECHNO DOESN’T KNOW WHY THE DOG IS THERE EITHER LMAO THIS IS RICH THIS IS EPIC

6:59 - love how they’re all just attached to the dog now. great job everyone (sincerely)... except dream. we know he refuses to name the dog because he thinks attachments are gross. we all know that.

7:07 - “let’s call it rat” RAT IS CANON LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

7:14 - “i would never respect someone who named their dog ‘rat’.” ok so is this make fun of bbh week now?? irl “rat” is just a nickname but everyone calls her that so-

7:23 - did techno seriously just try to knock him into the lava??

7:46 - ok so sam is pointing a bow at the jail squad- yeah... why. he has a good question. why, sir warden, why?

9:32 - ah. leverage. i see what you did. as if we all didn’t know from the start.

9:55 - LMAO. hostage situation that’s a win-win, and techno... we all know both of you can strangle this man with your bare hands. also the last time you tried to kill techno, we all saw what happened. /hj

10:00 - “that’s kinda harsh” no shit sherlock also HOW NONCHALANT DO YOU HAVE TO BE FOR THIS

10:08 - “Don’t do it.” Techno, you’re just feeding the toxic Rivals Duo fans at this point. Also, are you just trying to preserve your reputation of “never dying” or do you genuinely care? Because I doubt you do tbh...

10:38 - ads. gross.

10:46 - “doesn’t that kinda work out?” yeah, techno, point out the holes in q’s plans. I might disagree with your moral standpoint and compass but I’m allowed to find you funny and cool... yeah I love him too, my snarky boi

11:14 - looks like someone finally had the common sense to roast the potatoes over the lava.

11:23 - I’m just imagining the scenario in-universe because if we’re going by characters’ canon heights (plus some speculation for c!techno based on his cc’s height irl), c!quackity is the shortest one of the three so him threatening the other two is ngl a weirdly funny sight to see

11:42 - and that’s the point, dream. quackity gets the revive-book, and the whole server can be rid of you. that’s the point, good sir. we don’t want you here. 

12:23 - q you’re sounding borderline hysterical here. you’re sounding almost desperate. i don’t know if this is intentional or not but you’re sounding... vulnerable.

14:08 - we all saw through that, both in and out of universe. you’re making it very obvious that you don’t want dream to give him the book, techno.

14:40 - y’all sounding half hysterical at this point

15:36 - ah yes trauma dumping time /hj /rp

15:52 - oh so he wants poetic justice, huh? should have gone the whole hog and brought a netherite pick instead of a diamond one.

15:59 - he’s gone. he’s fuckin’ gone. just before he could actually do the pickaxe thing. holy shit. lmao... in all seriousness though, I heard Techno was gonna get out earlier... I’m guessing through the enderpearl stasis chambers or whatever? this is gonna be fun..................

16:34 - i love how c!dream is still eating raw fukin’ potatoes. we all saw techno with cooked ones, right? why’s he still eating it raw? tell me

16:58 - “bring back the fridge” sir it’s in a dumpster, your honour

18:58 - ANOTHER AD??

19:53 - “if he could have escaped all this time then why didn’t he escape earlier” the will.............. philza opened it up,..... we called it, it was time

20:10 - bruh. can’t see the green boy. is he gone? i doubt it.

20:20 - the toilet. check the toilet. shawshank redemption or whatever it’s called, I’ve only heard of hamshank redemption from angry birds toons but check the fuckin’ loo, the toilet

21:10 - q is still hysterical, sam is still in denial, techno is probably back in the arctic, and my bet is that dream currently smells like shit in the most literal way

22:04 - oh no. loud noises. is this the alarm trigger warning I’ve heard of?

23:35 - what the fuck are those ender pearls doing there

23:50 - what’s to bet those are barrier blocks or something?

26:02 - underground base???!! also internal monologue time???!!!!

26:24 - ah. dramatic music.

26:55 - time is ticking..............

27:02 - battle log................

27:07 - “las nevadas has become a prime target”... for what? whose pov is this again?

27:11 - “dream has escaped prison” first of all, I doubt it, and second of all, ah ok, c!q pov still

27:28 - paranoia?? descent into paranoia?

27:43 - it’s raining outside las nevadas...........

27:47 - yo. yo this is huge. the lore drought has finally ended with the rain. also this was epic.

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 06.04.21 lb

lollipop girl figuring out ki ohhhh it was vansh i handed the black box off to that day. ok and???? who gave you the box in the first place to give it to him????? WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR??? WHY YOU HERE??

oh shit she got kidnapped and coerced into it and........... tattooed or some shit??? she herself can't seem to remember what she has to do with this infernal black box.

vansh giving angre deets of where exactly in the jungle he conked off for 6 hours. man, will we figure this shit out this week or naah? this show always kheenchofies the lamest of "mysteries" for literal monthssssssssss.

angre talking good sense, ki is figuring this out more important to you than riddhima herself??? man, angre...... you're too pure for this world and this fam.

my god the stink-eye vansh gave him. vansh you're a hella bad husband. kuch seekho angre se. honestly.

anyway, vansh frames this bs as being worried for the family and sends angre off on his way.

ANGRE'S SHOULDER STILL HURTS AND VANSH OFFERS TO GO INSTEAD IN THAT PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WAY THAT DOESN'T REALLY GIVE YOU AN OPTION AND MAN............. I REALLY HATE VANSH. HE JUST SUCKS AS A HUMAN BEING ON THE WHOLE.

package for riddhima that chachi intercepts coz she likes how the box looks. iss family mein sab ke sab pagal hain.

opens it and there's a dabbe mein dabba and some gold chain with a tackyass pendent in it. gold hai, toh ofc chachi keeps it.

it was sent by vyom. thankfully some samajhdaar naukar told riddhima ki chachi le gayi aapka parcel.

chachi gives her some other pendent altogether.

lmaoooooooooooooooo, riddhima's like huh? this looks so real? i ordered some artificial stuff. this is realllllll pretty and legit looking. phas gayi chachiiiiiiiii. 2 lakh ka asli maal riddhima ko pakda diya.

chachi finally fesses up and gives her the one that came for her. i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee smart!riddhima who's playing every asshole in this house.

riddhima finds siya coming home in her sexy sari at bloody 2 am. she just asks siya where she's been and ishani comes and defends her and takes her away.

riddhima noticed that her earring was missing though, and remembers creepy zero fucker playing with a earring that looks exactly like that. tries to warn siya ki sambhal jao, tumhare lakshan theek nahi lag rahe; and ofc siya's rebelliousness kicks in and she's all YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM OKAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

btw only dumbass teens and those who aren't really properly adults say this I'M AN ADULT I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING OK YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME bullshit. as a fully grown adult i am legit here 5 days a week crying, SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO I LITERALLY HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO GO ABOUT SHIT WHY DIDN'T THEY TEACH ME THIS SHIT IN SCHOOL INSTEAD OF MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL??!?!

so anyway, we can cut siya from the list of sensible ppl in this house. bacha sirf angre.

angre's gonna set off on his jungle trek but wife's here in a sari to seduce him.

angre's like babe i love it and i love you but can i take a raincheck?

TO WHICH THIS CRAZYASS B PULLS HIS GUN AND PUTS IT ON HER OWN MAATHA. MAN.................... ALL THESE FUCKING RAISINGHANIA SIBS NEED TO BE PUT IN INTENSIVE COUNSELING BEFORE ALLOWED TO GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOME POOR UNSUSPECTING SUCKER. tbh, i'm kinda scared and worried for vyom now, seeing what kinda crazy siya could unleash on him. riddhima really worried for the wrong person in that dynamic.

she's legit asking him to choose between work or wife and he's like taking it pretty chill and like, both are pretty important to me.

ohhhhhh, he's chill coz the gun isn't loaded. lmao. i think he's learnt it's best to have an unloaded gun in this house around these crazies.

to which ishani is now yelling at him for walking around with an empty gun which is hella unsafe for him.

he's like ok fine...... it's loaded. i just said it to get you to drop the gun. MAN, EVERYONE HERE JUST GETS OFF ON LIES AND SUBTERFUGE. WHY ARE YOU PPL LIKE THIS?!!???!?!?

ishani's like could you please just leave this horrible job with my disgusting brother who doesn't care about anyone but himself????? now that, she's right about.

anyway this convo is pointless. angre would leave ishani before he'd leave vansh, so............. yeah.

fuck man they really dressing vansh in these white shirts and solid neutral blazers and getting me going unfffffffffff.

time for riddhima and vansh's vague flirtation convo of the day.

after lotsa shakki looks at each other, V finally leaves. riddhima hands off a flask of some healing drink to angre as he heads off on his hike.

idhar anupriya's informing vansh of dadi's newly developed anorexia and sending him off with a full tray. god what a useless filler ep this is.

angre trying to talk sense into the other half of the relationship, asking riddhima why she's pulling this shit, does she not love vansh anymore?

riddhima's like i'm doing it for him; tum nahi samjhoge. *sigh* we know, sis. we all know you are doing this FOR him only. ugh. majaal hai jo tum apne liye kuch karo.

vansh here to coax secrets outta dadi. will it work tho?

nope. she's lying to him and saying she's just worried about "the family" and they hug it out. MAN WHY IS THIS EPISODE SO BORING!?!?!!? NOTHING IS HAPPENINGGGGGGGGG.

riddhima's in the secret room manhandling the safe and instantly the alarms go off. SIS I THOUGHT YOU ALREADY FORESAW THIS IN YOUR DREAM AND MADE ANOTHER PLAN?!?!?!!?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand vansh is here.

lol she makes no bones about coming here for the "precious stuff". and quicklyyyyyy changes that into HIM being the precious thing she's here for. lmao so laaaaame.

"mujhe safe mein kyun dhoond rahi thi tum?" lmaoooooooooooo

she's like i came to KEEP something in the safe. that do takke ka pendent, which she bought for herself as an anniversary gift from him. lol man, she's got the dumbest fucking story.

he showed her where he keeps the remote of the safe. on purpose i'm sure.

i can't focus on this scene due to how fucking thick rrahul's beard is. MAN SOMEONE GIVE THE MAN 30 MIN TO TRIM IT, IT LOOKS RIDICULOUS. IT AS GHANNA AS THE JUNGLE ANGRE IS ROAMING IN RN.

anyway he's promising to give her a better gift than this: the details of what went down in those 6 hours. so stupid, who would want something they already have?????

precap: same as yest, but one added scene of riddhima and vansh playing darts. okay????????