#MAYBE i'll try adhd meds sometime if i feel i need them but first i want to treat physical health issues

[verved]

im so glad i can enjoy food again. like. i didn't realize how much my inability to eat enough food or enjoy what i could eat affected me. when i first got off the bupropion my appetite skyrocketed. i ate SO much maybe too much at times, bc my stomach had shrunk, but my body had quite literally been in starvation mode and suddenly i could EAT. i remember eating such simple foods, like a mandarin and some cheese and a few crackers, and while i had been able to stomach those things before, it was just that. being able to force it down without too much discomfort. but this time, when i ate them it i was moved to tears because i could enjoy it. it tasted ambrosial bc my appetite had finally returned!

yeah i gained weight initially. that was due to another medication that was next in line to be weaned off of. even if the weight didn't come off after being entirely off of all medication i wouldn't have cared. i could eat food and enjoy it. i still am heavier than i was pre-meds and i dont care at all. i will eat as much as i need to.

there was a lot about withdrawal that sucked ass. i couldn't sleep normally for months. i was exhausted from sleep deprivation. constant dizziness and weird mood swings. but being able to eat made it so worth it. the meds helped in some ways, but the way they killed all my appetite just was not worth it. just being able to eat again has basically replaced whatever mood stabilization they initially offered and then lost bc i was starving constantly.

[hungarianmudkip69]

actually im thinking abt it now so here's a post

Tips for Actually Fucking Getting Your ADHD Medication!!!!!

First of all, some notes:

a) I was diagnosed and started my medication when I was very small. So unfortunately I cannot offer advice about getting prescribed your medication! only getting the medication you are already prescribed. I literally don't remember a time before I was taking my meds.

b) I take specifically Concerta! While I think these should be applicable to other medications as well, that's something I felt like I should be upfront with.

c) I live in the US. I don't actually know how much of this would apply to other countries. Maybe some of it? But this is specifically about the US healthcare system.

This is going to be a bit long bc I am, of course, ADHD, so I'll put it under a cut.

This post will cover two scenarios: My Medication Is Usually Covered, But This Time It's Not/Costs More Than Usual and The Pharmacy Is Out Of My Fucking Medication!!!!

I would appreciate reblogs even if you aren't ADHD to get this info to people who need it, especially with another shortage seemingly starting!

I've got a couple different situations to cover, starting with:

My Medication Is Usually Covered, But The Pharmacy Says This Time It's Not/Costs Way More Than Usual

ok this is going to be so so hard but this is what you're going to have to do:

Call your health insurance.

Every time this has happened to me, it hasn't actually not been covered, it was the pharmacy fucking something up while checking coverage.

When you get through to a rep, you're going to say this:

"Hi, my name is [name.] I was trying to get my ADHD medication from my pharmacy, but they said it's not covered, which is weird because my prescription hasn't changed and it's been covered before. I'd like to know what's going on."

If you're upset, don't feel bad about not being able to hide it. Gotta be honest, I've gotten the quickest help when I started crying on the phone...

What usually happens with my medication is that it's made by multiple manufacturers, and the insurance only covers some of them. If the pharmacy only checked one manufacturer and it wasn't covered, sometimes they don't bother to check others, and tell me that my meds aren't covered.

Even if it's not that, it is far more likely that your pharmacy fucked up than that your insurance coverage changed. I once got quoted ALMOST SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS for 30 days of my medication. It turned out to be a pharmacy error.

Health insurance companies may be out to fuck you over, but the people at the customer service phones are there to help you. Let them help you get your meds covered if the pharmacy won't. I once had an incredible rep who even called the pharmacy herself to make sure they ran my meds properly and started filling them while I was still on the call. Let them help you! They want to!

The Pharmacy Is Out Of My Fucking Medication!!!!

This is the problem that I was having at the end of last year which was fucking hell for me to deal with.

Some useful background for this section:

There are multiple different ratings of generics for a drug. For my explanation, we'll use Concerta. This explanation may not be entirely accurate as I am not trained in this stuff! But it is what my dad learned and explained to me while we were navigating the shortage.

Concerta is extended-release methylphenidate, but the unique thing about it is the release mechanism. It has a little hole in the end and a tiny sponge in it. Over time the sponge absorbs stomach acid and expands, pushing the medication out at a consistent rate.

There is a generic with this same sponge release mechanism! It is what is called an "AB rated" generic for Concerta because it is proven to have the exact same therapeutic effects as brand name Concerta. Insurance covers AB generics! Yay!

Extended release Ritalin is the same drug and the same dosage, but it simply dissolves in your stomach over time so it doesn't release as consistently as Concerta. It is a "Bx rated" generic. At least in my experience, insurance will not cover this without a special exemption from your doctor. This is usually a good thing, because it means your pharmacy can't just give you a Bx instead of an AB without your knowledge. During a shortage? Not so much.

So you have been informed by your pharmacy that they do not have the generic covered by your insurance. Here is what you're going to do.

1) Freak out a little bit. This is normal. Medication is important and you're not getting it. Let yourself work through it, then calm down because there Are Things You Can Do!!! Take your phone with you when you lie on the ground and cry, that way once you're done you don't have to get up to work on solving it. Getting up is hard.

2) Call your pharmacy and other pharmacies in the area. You want to find out a few things:

2.1) Do other pharmacies in the area have the generic your insurance covers? If so, you can call your doctor and ask them to send your prescription to that pharmacy instead.

2.2) What potential alternatives do they have? Ask if they have the brand name in stock (during the height of the shortage, both pharmacies my family used almost always had the brand name but not the AB generic) and if they have other generics your insurance doesn't cover. Take notes!

2.3) "Do you know what the process would be for getting one of those alternatives covered?" They may not, or they may tell you exactly what you need to do.

3) Call your insurance. Explain your situation to them, and ask them about ways to get your medication covered. I take 72mg total, and when the shortage started I was taking one each of 54mg and 18mg generic pills - by talking to the insurance, I found out that I could switch to two 36mg brand name pills without paying any more. However, this didn't help for my parents or for the times the pharmacy was out of the brand name as well. So here's the more important part: There are ways for you to get your doctor to apply to get them prescribing you an alternate generic approved. The insurance rep can describe this process to you. Take notes to get ready for the next step:

4) Call your doctor's office. Explain your situation, again, and explain that you called the insurance and they told you you need the doctor to do this thing. Ask when you can expect it to go through. Explain how you've been without your meds and it's awful and please you understand that there might not be anything they can do but anything they can do to fast track it would be incredible. Be polite, but don't be afraid to expose how badly you need this. I find it helps. Just be honest.

5) Treat yourself. This is stressful and it's a lot of phone calls, which are hard, especially if you don't have your meds. Give yourself a little treat and it will help your reward-motivated ADHD brain feel better about having to do that shit. Legitimately, my therapist told me to give myself a little treat every time I call the doctor. It's an important step.

6) Follow up. If it's past when you were supposed to get news or have your meds, call and ask for an update. Don't be afraid to be proactive in finding out the exact status of your meds. Just be polite and kind and phone reps are generally happy to help.

I genuinely hope you never need this advice. I also hope that if you do, it helps. These are just my personal experiences, so please also feel free to add any of your own tips to this post.

[sharlmbracta]

comment excerpt:

ADHD is a boon to creativity the challenge is consistency… or seemingly so. I think in general living, you need to impose structure to survive as an adult with ADHD, especially if you go no-meds like I have. I don't think that's nearly the case with creative activities though creativity is our domain, man. It's more about trusting your mind to do good exploration when you let it run free.

Everything that ever really stuck for me about music theory, stuck AFTER doing that. Not from reading and practicing but inadvertently actualizing it in my noodling, which I've come to realize is my mind's way of sorting out the information.

It's really interesting how the knowledge comes sometimes. I have been playing guitar for 20 years, largely self-taught. l've spent a lot of time pouring over different techniques and studying theory, never really feeling like I got where I was supposed to with it. I certainly enjoy what I play, but it's always felt like the understanding that other people have, escaped me.

But now, I tend to think I just never actually realized how much theory I had picked up over the years of scattershot study. Maybe I don't have the most well-rounded foundation, but my actual output on the instrument conveys to other, more learned people, an understanding that they always seem to want to know more about, like somehow I have figured out something they haven't.

My answer has always been "Well, I never practice, but I always play." Most other players l've met, are far more 'on-grid' than me, more predictable and consistent in their decisions and application of technique. You never know what I'll play, or why it actually works. One of my best friends is an incredibly talented and dedicated musician, with high mastery of guitar, piano, and especially trumpet. HE does not understand what I do half of the time, puts all of this analysis into it, trying to crack the code. He wants ME, to teach HIM what I know.

And yet, I don't even know the code. It's all impulse from my perspective. I don't know why things come together like they do. I just know that they do the majority of the time. I know enough theory to point out what worked about them — I do that sometimes, get into a mode of reverse-engineering what I play under the lens of modern theory and it helps me internalize — feed that intuition I'll need later. It's still terrifying for me to improvise in front of people, but every time I do, people tend to presume I am much more serious and studious than I have ever been — like I meant for things to work out this way, when I probably had little clue what I was going to play before I began.

It's like I am fully present when I play, just not cognizant. Maybe it's just that the strain on memory in those times doesn't permit my brain to consciously process it all, but it seems like it still does SOME kind of recall that is almost absolute. I can do anything a normal musician can do, it's just not accessed in quite the same way. I just put in the time and it worked out.

I WILL however say. It was not always that way. For the first 5-7 years I had a hyperfocus for it that just would not let go, so I would in fact practice for hours every day. Now, I worry less about it because 'm more focused on learning new stuff and being exposed to different music that inspires me to play and write more music. At some point, I found I just had the skill-born freedom wanted on tap and it just became about discovery for me.

A lot of my best skills are like that. I don't know how or why l'm good at them, or why I can randomly rattle off in-depth information I otherwise don't ever consider. I think our ADHD brains internalize things differently. It's not that we forget things, it's more as though much of the information stored in memory comes out somewhere outside of consciousness, more in the space of intuition. The problem with ADHD isn't as much one of storage as it is recall mechanisms. The better relationship I have with my intuition, the more my skills in things I want to do just seem to come to me by just following my own impulses to engage and letting my brain get whatever it thinks it needs… and just accept that I might never know that directly.

Learning with ADHD is often akin to tending to a garden and watching as the flowers bloom.

- differentbutsimilar7893

[papermonkeyism]

For the new year, I wish I'll get to hang out with people again.

This past year has been, frankly, pretty miserable, specially since early summer-ish when my DnD group went on a months long break. Wasn't the first one, nor the last one, but definetely the worst one. Don't really have other friends locally, aside from one old school mate.

Honestly it's been pretty bad ever since the start of the pandemic when we stopped hanging out outside of DnD sessions and my fave coffee places closed down along with couple of my fave restaurants, and I just... Stopped having a social life, but now it's so much worse. As said, I have one (1) friend outside of the group I sometimes go shopping with, and one of my DnD buddies hangs out with me maybe once a week to borrow my laundry machine for couple hours, and they are probably the only reasons I haven't broken completely so far.

But neither of them are storytelling people the same way I am, so I'm kinda holding back when we hang out, as I can't really go all in with my special interests on them.

Downsides of being socially awkward introvert.

The summer break from roleplaying was a trigger for anxiety and maybe the worst creative block of my life so far. As someone who basically thinks with a sketchbook it was pretty fucking stressful not being able to draw anything for several months!

I crave creation and storytelling, but my brain is made of goo. Like imagine if someone came and asked you to pick a water from a pool and hand it to them? But it's liquid! Can I get a cup or something, but they just scoff. You got hands, right, just pick one up and hand it over. So I'm just left trying to scoop handfuls of wet and grabbing nothing. Kinda how it feels.

Started marathoning Crit Role to distract myself from the worst of it and to have at least some kind of creative energy in my life, and consumed what must be over half a thousand hours of role playing. At least that was fun!

And when nights started stretching and seasonal depression started to creep into my already not-doing-good brain I started my routine of evening walks because at some point I was legitimately going stir crazy enough to explode otherwise.

It's also been my first full year of joblessness in a long while. I was already having hard time by the end of last year, because my brain has difficulty handling full time jobs for long stretches of time, and ten months in a row not being able to recharge was starting to weight on me, so I had made a plan to get my brain sorted out with the ADHD diagnosis and hopefully medication before applying for jobs again, but turns out the process took the entire year, and then some, and I still don't have the meds yet. I have been given the thumbs up on them, but turns out me stressing for the better part of a year has triggered blood pressure problems (runs in my family, so honestly probably just a matter of time, but it's still very inconvenient to happen right now), so I have to sort that out first before it's safe to try stimulant medication.

And then there was the death in the family and a close friend's cancer diagnosis (fingers crossed!) and I just haven't had a great time, you know.

January's going to go into medical stuff in the hope of getting the ADHD meds, so maybe I could one day grab those thoughts again. The unemployment office is also pestering me again, so we'll see how that'll go.

I think I'll see if I can make myself a regular at the new cat cafe in town. Cats make everything better. Also looking forwards to actualizing a tattoo plan or two! Springtime is coming too, eager to continue my evening walk routine with returning sunlight. And I really, really, really need to create something again.

So here's for what I sincerely hope to be a better year than this past one! Cheers.

[not-poignant]

would you be willing to share more constellations excerpts with us? eagerly awaiting more gwyn, ef, and arden 👀

I will anon!

But probably closer to when it's actually coming out, which isn't actually for a while unfortunately.

(Now for a longer response):

I do have two excerpts put aside, but given I have a few stories going at the moment:

Underline the Black Underline the Blue Underline the Gold Underline the Red A Stain that Won't Dissolve The Nascent Diplomat and Smoke in Autumn

I've realised that it would be kind of foolish to put out Constellations now since I already have four stories in that list that are rotating around and don't get regular updates.

I have come to a heavy decision that Constellations is going to have to wait (I cry). The good news is it means when it starts I'll have more to share and way more excerpts to share closer to the date! The bad news is it might be a few months out, since I want to at least finish one of these stories first, or know I'm close and er, er, we're not that close to finishing most of them. (Pooooossibly The Nascent Diplomat? But not...really.)

I might also crack like an egg and start putting it up in like 2-3 months! But I'm trying to be A Good Author (to myself) and actually focus on putting up excerpts for stuff that isn't backburnered out into possibly late 2023/early 2024. And honestly, I really really believe that running four stories at the same time with four other stories rotating in and out is actually just too much. Even seven stories is too much. It's not too much for me, thanks to ADHD meds, which made me realise I am now in the unique position I've never been in before, which is to...start saving up stories.

This is like a Christmas miracle for me because I honestly never thought it would happen! And that's also why I jumped the gun too early, because I am so used to urgent 'must post everything at once' dopamine brain that I didn't realise I could just...write a bomb story and know that I could have something saved for later, and actually like...take weekends off sometimes (which I currently do not do because I am a very sickly machine, you know, like those cars that are completely falling apart but will somehow still take you across the country and the mechanic's always like 'dunno how this beast is still running and when it dies you're gonna need to replace the whole car because fixing it isn't worth it' dslakjfsa).

Vexteria is also sadly in the same boat. But I've posted more chunky excerpts for Constellations than Vexteria already asdlfkjas

The smart thing to do would have been to sit on the excerpts for both of these stories until I knew when the release date was. Now I feel like I've done a YOI Ice Adolescence situation (IYKYK), but anyway! In answer to your question: The good news is 'yes!' The bad news is 'maybe not for a little while!'

[drawnecromancy]

"practice practice practice" is, in my opinion, kind of an incomplete thought for a lot of things.

of course you need to practice to get better and there's no cheat codes to be instantly great ! but there's practicing and practicing, you know ?

There's slamming your face on the same 4 measures, just repeating them again and again and calling that practice, getting frustrated, and leaving.

And there's slamming your face on the measures a couple times, stopping, thinking, what the fuck am i doing wrong, trying things on the things you suspect are wrong, maybe slam your face again and try something else until it works. And sometimes that's frustrating and you need to take a break because fuck this and you play something easy.

And I realize that the difference between these two is like... The first one ? Is the first step, and stopping at it - not always because we don't want to practice, I'll add. I know that i consistently did not have the attention span to do much more than that first step before. I was hindered in practicing by the fact that i get very frustrated very fast and that it's just hard for me to pay attention enough to KNOW what the hell I'm doing wrong. Especially when a lot of things happen at once, as they do with instruments.

I can see this when i draw, too.

I've been stuck, lately, in this "woah, it feels like i only draw the same things all the time" loop, because i do. And I'm not practicing to get better at other cool stuff I want to do - like environments or different-looking people etc, and this one mostly boils down to time management I think. Yeah, I'm only drawing the same things I ever do, but when do I remember that i would like to study [insert thing] ? When I am in the middle of doing something else, usually class. When do I have the time to do a study of [thing] ? Well, maybe we can... kinda... sorta... slip it in the cracks of the school projects, the violin, the crocheting, the knitting, the sewing, the art i have to get done for other purposes, the writing, the long hours of school, and suddenly i realize that i do not have the time for that.

I also lose a significant portion of hours per day from my brain having to be jostled a bit before moving. It's gotten better with ADHD meds, I'll tell you that, but boy did I lose a lot of time. I'm still losing some, I think, because I'm still building these time management skills.

Anyway. So I guess practicing, to me, is a matter of attention span and time management, to realize what i'm doing wrong, catching it, changing it, and taking the time to smooth it out.

Yeah, that explains stuff.

[fallinto-u]

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A post shared by Trevor Carroll (@trevorcarroll)

Sitting and trying to distract myself through a panic attack, I was scrolling and came across this video. As I listened and compared to the things that have been happening, huge part of me was resisting. But then also realized that in the past, after the worst of times and sometimes a huge reset, things did change for the better. Or if not better, into a different direction at the very least. Another direction eventually came with new opportunities.

If you remember, we talked about this resisting feeling when it came to trying to finish the Frequency book. That resisting feeling towards hope and positivity has been strong for quite a while. But watching this reminded me back of the mindset we once were able to have. It may have changed, and it may all seem pointless right now as we’re going through the worst. But being reminded of what my mind was once capable of, what state I could get into, gave me a little spark of hope and insight again. A small, very small dose of hope. And that’s scary, I may push it away and sabotage right after this again. But maybe with small repeated glimmers of these moments, it may eventually be rebuild again. Bit by bit.

It may sound cliché what's being said in the video but as I thought deeper about my situations, I do see some truth to those words. I do see that I'm literally being pushed into certain directions that wouldn't have motivated me enough if I had stayed in the exact same place. For example, my situation at home getting even way worse and more overwhelming has finally actually pushed me to take steps towards moving out. I don't know how I'll get there, it overwhelms and scares me, but at least I am taking action because I literally cannot stay in this environment for much longer.

As well as my mental health getting at the lowest I imagined it could get. If it didn't get this far, I would have been too anxious, resisting trying out new medication. Now I literally don't have a choice, and can't get that much more anxious on top of what I experience every single moment anyway. The new meds may hopefully benefit/support me in the long run to feel at least a little less anxious going through life.

Last example, and I'm sorry for oversharing and ranting here. But if I didn't get burnt out from life, being stuck at home almost unable to socialize at this point, I wouldn't have found my current therapist. This is the first therapist who comes with the insight that she's pretty sure I have autism and adhd. Adhd I suspected but autism? Completely new insight. But the more I learned about it, the more everything made sense. I thought of our conversations on topics related to that as well. A lot of things fell into place.

Yes all these examples seem to be a blessing in the end,but I haven't experienced them as such yet. I'm honestly still in the midst of hell and I'm afraid you are too. But this is the first time I'm at least able to see things in a different light.

If we were still talking I would’ve sent you the video. Not to force you to be positive or feel hopeful or any different. Rather just to remind you that once it was possible. To remind you that if you would ever want to, it is still available and out there for you. No matter how far you’ve wandered. You can always find your way back to a more stable path, or create a new one. In one of your voice messages I've recently listened to in a moment of despair, you said "You're never too far gone. It's never too late, I promise ". Also something along the lines of that even after the worst of storms, earthquakes and wars, people always rebuild. No matter how awfully destroyed everything is.

I’m always rooting for you. It’s fucking hard, but you’re doing damn well holding on every single day. No matter how you need to get through right now. I'm trying to remember and do the same. Each day we survive is a huge accomplishment, no matter how we had to make it work. You’re still here and trying. I’m proud of you always.

[ficletfan]

hii! i love your work so much!! could you maybe do some headcanons with Damien and Milo with an s/o who has tics? I have them and they're honestly kinda funny sometimes, like I'll randomly yell things or just twitch, but I have some where I hit my leg or head which kinda hurt. thank you!! 💖

Oh like Tourettes syndrome?? My brother has Tourettes! Its a fascinating one and varies a lot, I hope I can do it justice for you!

S/O who has Tics!

Damien:

- how you met was funny, you scared him shitless when there came an unexpected yelling tic that caught the demon off guard

- It was very informative to learn about tics for him, he didn't know why at first but after it became a funny story

- Unfortunately he tries to influence your Tics so you yell stupid things at random like "POTASSIUM"

- physical tics make him wince, just a little, does it hurt? It looks like it hurts when you look like you round house kicked the table

- Will offer to go grab a soothing pack or some pain meds if you need it

- There will be hell to pay if someone makes fun of his S/O for having tics or dares say anything offensive

- he'll roll up his sleeves and say "how about I give you a lesson on tics" before kicking the shit outta them and yelling facts about why people tic

- low Key, if one of your tics is yelling his name he'll feel honored, like he has a place so deep in your brain that it reflects in the tics "Hahaha! You can't deny it, you looove me!!"

Milo:

- y'all met in a restaurant, you were doing things separately and Milo didn't care about your tics

- Milo is old enough that hes fully aware about Tourettes, Autism, ADHD, and other differences in people

- You became friends and eventually lovers by sheer chance when the Waitress spilled your drink on you by accident

- They lent you a spare sweatshirt from their bag and chilled with you for the rest of the meal

- You get the funniest photos when you have a tic midshot, they're posting them anyway # Whoops # Livingthegoodlife # Cutie

- Puts a hand on your shoulder when you apologize for a tic "Don't apologize, You didn't do anything wrong darling"

- Will become Livid if someone is mean to you for tics, how dare they, how dare these assholes say ANYTHING about their sweet baby

- Master of text and Tongue, will r o a s t whoever it is that upset you over something so uncontrolable

- Will not try to influence your tics, they're interesting the way they are. Although if its something they said or their name they will be touched, so cute

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Ronnie

Ali: [The day of but later] Ali: I convinced that man not to press charges or anything, the one that got involved Ali: so you don't need to worry about that Ronnie: wasnt Ronnie: tell someone who is Ali: 'course Ali: talking isn't the most useful thing for me to do right now so I'll pass Ronnie: go be useful then little girl Ali: I'm sorry he brought you Ali: that's fucked up Ronnie: course you are Ronnie: youre all well sorry now like Ali: For you, not myself, or ourselves Ronnie: no shit pity works with the rest of your brothers and sisters Ronnie: youre fucked up Ali: How so? Ronnie: show and tells over Ali: I hope it made you feel better Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: none of you give a fuck how I feel Ali: yeah I do Ronnie: wheres it been Ali: you're meant to wait for the kid to make the first move, that's rule #1 Ronnie: if you wanna play by the rules Ali: so I've lost points, that's fine Ali: you don't want us to care, right? Ronnie: the way your family is im almost old enough to be your ma Ronnie: bit fucking late yeah Ali: You do have a solid decade on her, yeah Ali: I'm a late bloomer, clearly Ronnie: ill leave it to her to be proud Ali: a big ask, but I'll survive without Ronnie: like I said Ronnie: fucked Ali: Yeah, a fair bit Ali: nothing to shout about, or that hasn't been now Ronnie: you wanted a first move Ali: It was a choice Ronnie: nah Ronnie: a reaction Ali: That too Ali: like I said, hope it was what you needed it to be? Ronnie: ask him Ali: you just did it for Joe? Ronnie: why else Ronnie: none of you mean shit to me Ali: but he does, yeah Ronnie: connect the dots Ronnie: I bothered to carve each one out Ali: I can tell he loves you Ali: do you love him Ronnie: hes that fucking soft Ali: you do Ali: alright, that's something Ronnie: fuck you youve known him all your life and you dont Ronnie: theres no telling me how I feel Ali: I don't know him or I don't love him? Ronnie: have it both ways Ronnie: he tells it either way Ali: I probably don't know him now Ali: I'll allow that Ali: that's how he wants it so you don't have to defend him like I'm saying I do Ali: or that I'll force it, when he's been so clear Ronnie: hes the last person I can be arsed to defend Ronnie: but no shit he gets everything he wants Ali: What were you after Ali: we disown him Ali: or strongarm him into rehab and therapy Ronnie: yeah Ive got everything crossed for sobriety Ronnie: fucks sake Ali: disowning then, he's done it to us Ali: it won't happen the other way 'round, sorry to say Ronnie: give him your fucking sorry Ronnie: he was the one begging me to ruin it all Ali: close enough that he should still be happy Ali: I'm not sorry for him Ali: I already said, he shouldn't have used you like that Ronnie: thats what happens theres no fucking 💘 and 🥀 Ali: no one deserves that Ronnie: I am no one Ali: You aren't Ali: don't have to be Ronnie: people like their junkies part time or useful or repentant Ronnie: fuck that Ali: that's not your whole gig Ronnie: you don't know shit Ronnie: youre not under my skin or in my head Ali: I know enough to know that's bullshit Ali: if anyone was just their addictions and vices, you wouldn't need them Ronnie: yeah youre the smart one Ronnie: he told me Ali: He's the one at the fancy arts school Ali: how does he reconcile that with being the junkie one Ronnie: youre 16 theres no uni thatd take you yet Ronnie: happy birthday for whenever the fuck it was Ali: Thanks Ali: about a month ago Ali: extend the invite next time Ronnie: dont Ronnie: I wont show Ali: you haven't heard how great my parties are yet Ronnie: I aint a childrens entertainer Ali: be cool if you were Ali: have a heart attack when you showed up Ronnie: next time I need a few quid ill try and remember Ronnie: make you proud of me Ali: probably leave that to Joe, and your friends and fam Ali: but I know how to make balloon animals so hmu Ronnie: course you do Ronnie: youre the target market for hippy crack Ali: awh Ali: how true Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: how long you been in the youngest ones adhd meds Ali: not really my thing Ali: need to calm my brain, not stimulate it harder Ronnie: 💔 Ali: how'd you know about that Ali: doesn't seem like the sort of pillowtalk he'd be about Ronnie: i was in care i know what an kid with adhd looks like Ronnie: and theyve tried to diagnose me as everything but a west little bastard Ali: he's shit scared right now Ronnie: be fucked if he werent Ali: yeah Ali: he doesn't really know Joe Ali: was like 4 when he went to Uni so Ali: proper boogeyman shit Ronnie: mckenna will love that Ronnie: real boner for the misery Ali: someone should get something out of it Ali: he can pay for his therapy later Ali: more meds, whatever Ronnie: ill tell him to put in his will Ali: try not to die Ronnie: itd be the ultimate misery boner Ronnie: why should he stop getting what he wants now Ali: yeah, you do love him Ali: but hate him too Ronnie: 💘🥀 Ali: Is he worth it? Ronnie: youre describing freckles and the princess you know that yeah Ronnie: me and her dont share every dysfunction Ali: Nah, they don't hate each other Ali: loads of other stuff, people Ali: very them vs everyone Ronnie: she hates that she needs him Ronnie: that he makes her soft Ronnie: close enough Ali: You reckon? Ali: Hmm Ronnie: first rule of tortured kids club Ali: it's why she loves him too Ali: you'd understand if her sister had been there Ali: she's got no one to make her soft, I tried but Ronnie: gutted she werent there then Ali: you wouldn't like her any more than she'd like you Ali: it'd be fitting, but no fun Ronnie: thats the fun Ronnie: I hate you all Ali: I see the appeal Ronnie: have a go Ronnie: hate me Ali: I see your appeal Ali: why would I hate you? Ali: Fraze does and he's having the least fun of all Ronnie: you see what you fucking wanna Ronnie: youd have to know me to know if I had any appeal Ali: Then I'm a spoilt hippy brat, as you like it Ali: you'd have to do worse for me to hate you Ali: not my MO Ronnie: not wasting another flight on it Ronnie: kill your own ma Ali: then I'm good for it Ali: sorry again Ali: you did what you set out to do, making me 💔 wasn't part of it Ronnie: stop fucking apologising Ali: it offends you? Ronnie: I did what mckenna cant do for his fucking self being a useless pussy from cradle to grave Ronnie: he is under my skin and in my veins like it or not Ali: yeah, and my apology is worth a damn when you've got problems that big Ali: alright, I won't say it no more Ronnie: if it was for me Id have done it at 10 14 fucking 18 even Ali: 'course, you got fucked over at birth Ali: no other straws needed Ali: his is more of a slowburn of bullshit Ronnie: yeah Ali: I don't know what he's told you, or how much you care about it Ali: but they've always been like it, Fraze too Ali: we have no idea and they went through so much more Ali: but Joe's only got 5 on me, so that says all you really need to know Ronnie: thats lads for you Ronnie: cant handle any pain unless they glorify it Ali: or co-opt it Ali: if you don't wanna be like them, tell him to get his own Ronnie: Im not like them thats why he likes me Ronnie: it aint my winning smile Ronnie: helps that I look like you and your ma course hes that sick Ali: He's hated them both ever since Bea came around, then when we moved her, like it was for her Ali: he's spoilt, like you said Ali: but I really think he is sick, too Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: were both sick Ali: yeah Ali: maybe you'll wanna get help someday Ronnie: for what Ronnie: theres no happy ever after here Ali: to not be sick Ronnie: nice try little girl Ronnie: not gonna get cured Ali: yeah, well has to seem better than sick Ali: that's a big ask Ali: I can't imagine not getting to do the drugs I do, and that's everyone Ronnie: it's like being in a relationship yeah sometimes it makes you feel good sometimes it dont Ronnie: cant fix shit though Ronnie: the rots too deep and its already set in Ronnie: long before I took a hit Ali: That's medication for you Ronnie: thats pain for you Ali: Yeah Ronnie: if I cant cut it out Ill cut her out of me Ronnie: her face outta mine Ali: It's DNA Ali: everything and nothing Ronnie: if she's in my blood ill spill it all Ronnie: theres fuck all point keeping it on the inside Ali: It's a waste of you Ali: the you that ain't her Ronnie: I am the waste Ronnie: ive had enough kids scraped out of me it aint hard Ali: She believed in the happily ever after you don't Ali: more fool her Ronnie: she got it Ali: she wanted it with you Ronnie: bullshit Ali: She did, she loved your biological dad, basically as many years as she'd been about Ali: she didn't just not get an abortion because she was scared Ronnie: she wanted it with him then Ronnie: I was along for the ride til I got dumped out Ronnie: if she wanted me id fucking be there Ali: she could've tried Ali: yeah Ali: you would've got taken away though Ronnie: so what Ali: just that, she wasn't allowed to keep you, she was a 14 year old with no parent, they'd have separated you and put you into different care homes Ali: happened to her friend Ronnie: I was a 14 year old with no parents either Ronnie: and a 4 year old Ronnie: 4 months Ronnie: however the fuck far back you wanna go Ronnie: I still found ways to get shit that I wanted Ali: Yeah, I know Ali: you had enough to eat and a bed with a roof over your head Ali: you wouldn't have if you'd had her, if that was even possible, somehow Ronnie: no I fucking didnt Ronnie: not always Ali: if you were in a home Ali: more than a squat where no fucker pays the bills or gets groceries over smack, you know the situation Ronnie: I know it helps her sleep at night Ronnie: this story Ali: you don't have to add it to your narrative if it fucks with your peace Ali: ask Joe Ali: if he reckons he remembers everything back in Liverpool, he'll remember Ronnie: I dont need to ask him cos his story is that she blinked and her life was so fucking sorted that she pushed a shit ton more kids out Ronnie: where the fuck was I Ronnie: nowhere Ronnie: youre my fucking replacement is why Ali: she could've got you when she got Bea and Ro Ali: I don't know how old you were then, 13? Ali: they might've said she was sorted enough, maybe Ali: it was more, this girl has been abused and you're a friend she trusts who is willing to foster her so let's shove her at you and get her out, it wasn't happy families Ronnie: no need when theres already loads of shiny white kids to mother and 2 less shiny to play saviour too Ali: I could ask Ali: I was a toddler, and it wasn't my bedtime story too, believe it or nah Ronnie: luck of the irish Ali: I'll take 50% Ronnie: her sob story is as fucking useless to me as mckennas misery boners are Ali: 💔 Ali: very convincing performance in that case Ronnie: fuck you Ali: why Ronnie: if you have to ask youre not listening Ali: I meant the part where you necked on with him Ronnie: why not Ali: 'cos his boners are a letdown, obvs Ronnie: I dont need him to make me feel good Ronnie: and he fucking wishes he could do as good of a job as the shit that does Ali: thank God Ronnie: he wanted the shock factor thats me baby Ali: assumed that was his intention Ali: he stopped showing up as himself ages ago though, that was, not more shocking but impactful, let's say Ali: if he wasn't so obviously out of it, he might've known that we knew Ronnie: he wanted to stop showing up full stop Ronnie: til he gets shipped back in a ⚰ Ronnie: and reckoned thatd be the final nail for you all us fucking Ali: and us younger ones are dramatic, hilarious Ali: who doesn't want to get away from home? Ali: Tommy has been since he was 11, Bea went to Cambridge, Ro will too, Fraze only didn't because Bea told him he wasn't allowed to follow her Ali: I'm planning on Singapore, myself Ronnie: hes too pussy to handle being away from me Ronnie: or what I get like when he isnt in my fucking face Ronnie: that bit wasnt about you lot as much like Ali: it's how it goes Ali: that's why people get knocked up, get married, get fabulous careers, so you can have an excuse for why you can't make this weekend, will try to pop in for this event but end up just sending a card Ali: it's weird it's you, of course, you're both sick, duh, but look at it objectively Ali: it's your version of 2.4 kids and a dog Ronnie: he dont want me to slit my own throat or anyone elses but his more fool him Ronnie: cant knock me up or marry me thank christ Ronnie: I like that the dog is smack thats well poetic Ali: I'll have a go at writing it Ali: if you want a null and void illegal wedding too, I'll write those vows and all Ronnie: ill stick it in a song if you want better than happy birthday Ronnie: fuck that i belong to no one Ronnie: theres loads more fun illegal shit to do Ali: you write songs too? Ali: just don't let Joe play cello on it Ali: if depression had a 🎵 Ronnie: id lose money if i begged with him Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: looks pathetic enough but thats all Ali: very child actor vibes, or rockstar's kid Ali: you had it all and you pissed it all the wall Ali: not here's a couple of quid for a warm cup of coffee and a sarnie, no Ronnie: i can see his face hearing that Ronnie: id have to take a brick to it Ali: yeah, he probably hates me Ali: not as much as Fraze, didn't have the toddler clout to make us move to Dublin, bit rude Ronnie: you're in his way Ali: of what Ronnie: 💉 Ali: that's his hangup Ali: like I said, no one is forcing him to do shit here Ali: guilt's part and parcel of 💚 and 💉 ain't it Ronnie: youre not telling me shit I dont know Ronnie: hes the one shitting himself hes gonna get chucked in rehab Ronnie: nobodys coming to take me nowhere Ali: I get it Ali: she's shit at turning up Ali: tell her to work on it Ronnie: do what you want Ronnie: far as sisterly advice what ive got is dont ask me for a shot unless youre after a habit Ali: lecturing ain't my gig rn, she loves a bit of it so honestly no need when her 🧠 will be full of the 💔 Ali: cheers, I'll stick to the just saying no of it all Ronnie: get the money up front when you are gigging Ronnie: and take care of the kid when you aint Ali: I will, I do Ali: he's got a few years to grow before I'm going anywhere Ronnie: yeah Ali: and my wife might stay and they're best friends Ronnie: she was the one trying to rival us for most high Ali: ✌💚💉 Ali: it was a party before you walked in Ali: which I'm aware was very much the idea Ali: can I give you a tattoo I'm good Ronnie: go ahead Ronnie: not gonna be here long like Ali: where do you wanna meet, my rig is way portable Ronnie: [a place nearby wherever they are cos god knows but I doubt Joe wants to see Ali and she aint gonna tell him that's where she's going LOL] Ali: 👍 Ali: about 25 on my 🚲 Ronnie: reckon i can stay alive til then

[coldplaysongsonrepeat]

i did know dream has adhd :)! im glad uve found out something important about urself, and that uve made it as far as u have in life, but if u want a better adhd community it may be worth seeking it somewhere that isnt in dsmp spaces. theres a lot of very unhealthy views in the dsmp community and i say this as someone who was genuinely into the dsmp before i found out everything that i did about them. im not saying any of this from a point of view of "omg dsmp is so cringe i need to cancel them because i hate them and know nothing!!" its because i was there when people brought everything up the first times around and i made the choice not to keep interacting with it. i remember a lot of people in the community had a habit of defending people who sincerely should not be defended, like pewdiepie, notch, and cryaotic (which are all very bad people dream openly associates with and admires). im glad uve found good things in the time that u have been into dsmp, but its also important to be responsible about finding these sorts of things out, because in the long run it does u more harm to defend these people than it does to recognize that an interest u had is maybe not one u should keep. if u want a really cool and openly lgbt+ smp to watch, i super suggest empires smp! several of the people in it are openly lgbt+ (nonbinary-adhd)

thank you for the recommendation, I'll check empires smp out!

tbh, I follow only 5-6 creators of dream smp, I don't know much about the rest, but from the top of my head what I remember from your thread on twt - george did explain his george floyd tweet and said that what he said was sincere and NOT mocking, he just struggles with explaining his emotions sometimes. I can't believe that he would say something like this mockingly in any way, I've been watching his content long enough to know he's a good guy (he has a poc best friend, after all). same goes for karl, dream, quackity, sapnap.

ofc maybe one day I'll find out smth about them that will make me think bad of them, I mean they have plenty of content and I haven't watched ALL of it, so the possibility is still here. again, I don't feel it's my place to talk about racism. but I see so many REAL racists out there, and in my opinion it is more productive to call out them. like, to channel your energy towards educating them and protecting young people from them. even if a dumb teen made a racist comment on twitter AGES ago, yes, it's awful, but do you think it's fair to still hate them for it now when they are adult? if the person apologized, explained what they meant, I don't think they are dangerous in any way. I'm trying to think abt situations like this in terms of things that are close to me (lgbtq+ community and being adhd) and while words may hurt SO MUCH, hateful actions that some people do are way way more hurtful and dangerous. I live in the country where you can easily get harassed in the streets just because you hold a hand of a person of the same sex as u on the street. but the situation is changing for better gradually (I live in Russia). many young people (under 20-22) are very acceptable, supporting and kind. but the activism gets silenced by the government, which I think is the most damaging thing in this situation.

again, I didn't mean any hate towards you in any part of our convo, I just see that our opinions are very different on a certain topic and it's okay, maybe one of us will learn something from this convo, maybe both of us will learn. healthy discussions are still one of the most effective methods we can use to change something for the better.

and btw, thank you for your blog anyway. you educate people about adhd and it is very needed, esp in countries where adhd is still treated as a "child" mental health problem, or smth insignificant. I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder by the BEST psychiatrist in my city and if not for people willing to educate others through their social media, I would be taking meds already and it would be very dangerous for me.

so yeah, I think we cleared things up here. good luck to you