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dakusan · 10 days ago

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Hi!! Been reading for a while and finally built up the courage to make an ask

I was just wondering how it’d go down if their doll refused to let them feed or maybe just isn’t as into it as they usually are. For example, Maybe they had an argument and they haven’t exactly forgiven SKZ. Will they stop, ask for consent, maybe even apologise? Or will they go absolutely feral?

Im genuinely curious on the how different each of them will respond to the situation

(Ps: absolutely love the series! Absolutely love how you relate it to real life facts. Coming from a nerd like myself, it really adds on to the depth of the series)

OH ANON... You just bit into the emotional jugular of vampire!SKZ dynamics and I am SO READY TO FEAST. This is the "what happens when the blood doll says no" scenario — and it is a MASTERCLASS in dominance, control, guilt, restraint, and unholy need. 😈🩸

Let's break it down. One vampire at a time. Assume: they've had an argument. You're not speaking. You're still bonded. They're starving. You say "Don't feed from me."

Now what?

· · ──────��♱༻────── · ·· · ──────༺♱༻────── · ·· · ──────

Bang Chan

He freezes. Instantly. Because it's not just about blood—it's about connection. And if you're refusing him, it means something is broken.

"You... don't trust me right now." Soft. Low. Dangerous in its grief.

He won't feed. At all.

Will spiral alone in his office, feverish and trembling. He'd rather collapse than take from you without permission. He will apologise. Not once—relentlessly. The kind that hurts to hear.

But if you touch his wrist first? Even slightly? He'll be on his knees in seconds, eyes glowing, voice wrecked.

⸺⟡⸺

Lee Minho

He says nothing. Just stands there. Cold. Still. Seething.

"Fine." One word. Sealed like a curse.

He won't force it. Not ever. But he won't beg either. Instead, he'll disappear. For hours. Days. The absence will feel haunting. You'll find the bloodstains on his collar. You'll realise he's not feeding at all. Not from you. Not from anyone.

But one night, he'll appear beside your bed and say softly:

"Don't punish yourself just to punish me." And he'll hold out his wrist—offering his blood first.

MINI NOTE: Minho is offering his blood as a symbolic act of submission and atonement, not for feeding.

⸺⟡⸺

Seo Changbin

Immediate guilt. Immediate panic.

"What? No—no, no, it's okay, I'm sorry, please—" already backing off, already shaking

He might've come in hot, needing you, growling under his breath— But the second you say "Don't"? His heart shatters.

He'll retreat, breathing heavy like he's trying not to explode. Slams his fists into the wall. Can't look at you. Too ashamed.

Eventually curls up somewhere far away and whimpers your name into a pillow. Won't feed again until you offer.

⸺⟡⸺

Hwang Hyunjin

At first? He doesn't believe you. Thinks it's the heat of the moment.

"You don't mean that. You're just... angry." Gentle. Hopeful. Desperate.

But when you pull away for real? His entire expression drops. Like glass cracking.

He turns his head. Doesn't speak. For hours. Just sits in a chair, staring out the window like some sad male lead K-drama actor.

Later that night, he'll paint you. And in the corner of the canvas, he'll write:

"You are still the only thing I crave."

⸺⟡⸺

Han Jisung

Absolute spiral.

"What?? WAIT—no, no no no—BABY?? I thought were—???"

He starts talking a mile a minute, trying to joke his way through it. But when you stay quiet? He breaks. Fast. Hard. Slams himself against a wall like he's trying to physically escape the craving.

"I'll leave. I'll go. I'm not—I'm not gonna take anything. You're not a vending machine. You're—fuck. You're you."

Later sends you 87 apology texts. One is a voice note of him sobbing. One is a meme. More apologies.

⸺⟡⸺

Lee Felix

Freezes mid-motion.

"...You don't want me to?" Soft. Hurt. But not angry.

He backs up immediately. Doesn't ask questions. Doesn't protest. Just... pulls his hoodie over his mouth and curls into a corner like a kicked puppy.

He'll cry in silence later. Won't feed for days. Becomes visibly weaker. Pale.

Until you brush his hair back one night and whisper, "I'm ready... and I'm sorry."

Then he feeds so slowly and sweetly.

⸺⟡⸺

Kim Seungmin

Doesn't react at first. You say "Don't feed from me." He simply... blinks.

"Understood." Flat. Robotic. Calculated

You'll think he's fine. Until you check the logs and realise he hasn't fed from anyone since. Until you realise he's gone. not physically. But emotionally.

He builds walls fast. Shuts you out. Protects you from him. Because if you don 't want him close, he won't risk taking even a drop.

You'll have to be the one to knock.

⸺⟡⸺

Yang Jeongin

Confused. Panicked. Then—defensive.

"Did I... do something wrong?? I didn't mean—I thought—" starts stuttering, starts spiralling

He paces. Fast. Then just sits on the floor, head in his hands. He wants to apologise but he also wants to scream. He doesn't understand why it hurts so much until the bond shakes and he realises he was feeding not just for blood—but for you.

Later, he brings you some tea and a note:

"I won't feed 'til you smile again."

· · ──────༺♱༻────── · ·· · ──────༺♱༻────── · ·· · ──────

Your ask?? Injected directly into my bloodstream.

The fact that you noticed the science threads—the lore, the biology, the emotional logic—makes me want to write you an annotated blood-stained thesis titled: “The Neurochemical Implications of Being Obsessed with Vampires and Also Hot.”

You are so welcome here. Thank you for being curious. Thank you for biting in. Thank you for making this blood universe feel alive 🩸💋🕯️

#ask dakusan #vampire!skz series #vampire!skz x reader #stray kids #skz x reader #stray kids x reader #skz imagines

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blackberrybuds · 6 months ago

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mini essay about tsutsujio tamemichi & the use of dr. kan's hands as a metaphor for rape

ive been thinking a lot about tsu and kan recently so i wanted to dump some thoughts lol. cw for things involved with their stories like medical trauma and sexual assault and such

i think tsu is a masterclass in writing a metaphorical rape scene. i know that he genuinely faced sexual assault by kan, but i wanna focus on the idea that his heart surgery was a metaphorical rape in and of itself.

for background, during tsu's first year working at KFTI, he got in an altercation with dr. kan that lead to dr. kan beating him so badly he broke four bones, including his pelvis and almost every bone in his arm. we're told that he needed a lot of recovery time, and that during this recovery time, dr. kan pulled him for an experiment that involved performing open heart surgery on him.

we're told that the anaesthesia used was localized and not general, meaning he was awake for the surgery. we're told it was for the expressed purpose of seeing how he would mentally cope with the experience of being awake for something like that. that's the background we're going with. we then see how that affects tsutsujio and how he describes it.

tsu has chronic arrhythmia and heart palpitations. when he gets worked up, his body starts shutting down, which makes him panic and makes the entire thing worse. every day hes having these little spirals where he thinks hes gonna die. this is why he refuses to leave the office and head to OMS - he's afraid that if he does, he'll have an episode that requires kan's intervention, and kan won't be there to save him.

we also see him describe the process in a very specific way: the use of kan's hands.

[416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] Actually no im pretty sure nobody here understands me at all because I keep getting stupid fucking advice and critique from people who havent had his hands in their open fucking chest

he says that nobody can understand how he feels because they haven't had kan's hands in their chest. kan's hands are inside his body. his wording here is very important, because it's going to come up again in this thread, and then again further in the future. for now, let's focus on how it comes up in this thread.

[416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] I feel like his hands are on my shoulders all the time [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] I feel like no matter what I do or where i go his hands are always on my shoulders [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] I feel like if i look down im just going to have handprints all over me [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] I dont know why he makes me feel like that [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] I cant leave because his hands are always on my shoulders and i cant ever be comfortable because his hands are always on my shoulders and nobody cares or questions it because oh its not that big of a deal its just his hands on my shoulders [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] my body feels wrong how the hell am i supposed to just live like that forever i dont want to [434334633/ Dr. Suga] You feel violated. [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] Right like i do but like fucking why should i [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] God this is so stupid why do i always sound so stupid [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] I just dont want his fucking hands in my body he fucking hurt me

he describes kan as always having his hands on his shoulders. he describes this as a feeling that's incredibly distressing, and says that nobody questions it because it seems so innocuous - just a hand on his shoulders. suga points out that he feels violated, and tsu agrees, but can't explain why. he then describes the feeling in a much more visceral way - "I just dont want his fucking hands in my body".

the language tsu uses alludes to much more than surgery. this isnt how people describe surgery in a normal context. the idea of someone putting their hands inside of your body holds connotations that feel much more intimate than medical. the descriptions of being covered in handprints corroborate this - he's not talking about medical feelings. he's talking about feelings of having his body violated, feelings that are intimately tied to the idea of sexual assault. this is further emphasized by the presence of his conversation partner - suga.

suga is the absolute picture of sexual violation within staffside. the way suga is described is the picture perfect image of purity. he was young and naive and eager to help. he was almost ethereally beautiful. he was pretty and weak and vulnerable. he was a virgin. the interesting framing device in tetro is that we don't learn any of this until after we've known him for some time. when we're introduced to suga, he's sick and vomiting and exhausted and on the brink of death. we meet him as his story is nearing its climax. only a short while after meeting him, he's put under anaesthesia and raped by dr. kan. this became one of our first central plot points of staffside.

suga's entire arc is about the trauma of sexual assault and how it eventually kills him, for all intents and purposes. we follow him as he's completely devoured by his trauma and his feelings of utter violation. pairing him with tsu in this scene is meant to show the connection between the two. staffside is drawing a comparison between suga's experience and tsu's experience. you're meant to associate them. they both feel horribly violated.

and then we find out that tsutsujio was molested during a medical exam.

it would be easy to take this information and write off the metaphorical rape that was tsu's surgery. it would be easy to dismiss it as no longer important or relevant now that we know tsu was genuinely molested and not just metaphorically assaulted. however, if anything, i think tsu's recount of being molested actually serves to greatly strengthen the connections between his surgery and the idea of rape. let's look again at how he describes the assault.

[416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] Again seriously its not that serious its not like what happened to Suga [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] Stuff with his hands I guess [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] Which again is stupid because obviously the Suga thing is worse so please dont get hung up on this like seriously

another mention of kan's hands. he describes his molestation as something that took place with kan's hands.

[416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] And it was just one time and it was just with hands like it not like that

his hands again. tsu's focus often comes back to kan's hands. it's the only way he describes his molestation in any capacity. we don't get any details beyond the fact that it was done with kan's hands. kan's hands themselves in this case are portrayed as a weapon of assault. the hands that molested him are the hands he claims to be constantly all over his body and on his shoulders and inside his chest. the connections drawn between the use of kan's hands for sexual assault and the use of kan's hands for tsu's surgery are incredibly clear and further drive home the point of tsu's surgery being used as a metaphor for rape.

let's take a look at other mentions of kan's hands in similar contexts. this is the first time we ever get a mention of kan's hands.

[840070420/ Dr. Tatematsu] Out of curiosity, was it DURING that event that you told her you were getting handsy with her husband? Before? After?

tatematsu uses very specific phrasing to describe the sexual relationship between kan and seki. she refers to kan assaulting him as getting handsy.

[154314147/ Dr. Toranosuke] Hence why I'm reaching out to you two! I'd like to borrow Minase. [796285914/ Dr. Hattori] Me? [840070420/ Dr. Tatematsu] Absolutely out of the question. Keep your grubby hands in your own department.

kan claims to want to "borrow" minase. minase is someone kan has expressed lust for in the past - he's pretty, he's blonde, he's got the same borderline ethereal beauty that kan assigns to suga. when he says he wants to borrow minase, tatematsu tells him to keep his grubby hands in his own department. another mention of kan's hands.

[155402844/ Monomoko] He has other methods as well. Ones you might be familiar with by now. Dr. Kan is at his most content when others are entirely reliant on his hands.

this is one of the more prominent uses of the metaphor of dr. kan's hands. monomoko doesn't just say kan needs people to be entirely reliant on him; she says he needs them to be entirely reliant on his hands. his hands are almost given a sense of being their own character in the way people describe them. consider the people we know are reliant on kan to survive: tsutsujio, seki, suga, genki and zenjaku. if he didn't care for tsu's heart, tsu would die. if he didn't medicate seki, seki would die. if he didn't continue to care for suga through his coma, suga would die. i have no idea what he does for genki, but we've been told that without his support, genki would die as well. if he didn't provide zenjaku with the BMS box, he would die. every single person reliant on kan for survival is someone he has sexually assaulted. tsutsujio is the only one of the four who wasn't outright raped, which is where his surgical metaphor becomes even more prominent. it acts as a rape. it feels like rape. to him, it is rape. and here, we see monomoko describing these four people he has raped as entirely reliant on his hands. its another association between kan's hands and rape.

now, we get into the most blatant evidence for the idea that kans hands represent rape.

WHERE KAN. KAN KAN KAN KAN. i kNOW iT wAs HIM. HE LOOKED AT HER, HE DID. WITH HIS. HIS GROSS HANDS!!! HE DOES THINGS!!! HE DOES THINGS TO THINGS!!! hE. HE TOOk her, I KNOW HE DID. WHERE IS SHE?!?! wHERE IS SHE?!?!?! DID HE - NO!!! no. he WOULDN’T - wOULDN’T HE?!?!??!?!? OH GOD!!!!!!! WHERE SHES COLD!!! SHE’S COLD AND I CAN’T FIND HER!!!!!!! HE HAS HER I KNOW IT!!! I KNoW IT. HE TOUCHES EVERYTHING AND HE RUINS EVERYTHING AND NOW SHE’S GONE. hER FuR. HER fur…soft, soFT, and NOW SHE’S GONE!!!!! SHE’S GONE!!! HE TOOK HER. WHY. WHY. WHY?!?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!! WHERE HES HURTING HER. I KNOW HE IS. hES - hE'S DOING THINGS TO HER!!! THINGS. HE DOES THINGS AND SHE’S GONE AND I CAN’T STOP IT!!!!!!! hIS HANDS. hIS FILTHY HANDS. ON HER!!! ON HER!!! I CAN HEAR HER CRYING. sHE’S CRYING. SHE’S CRYING AND I CAN’T STOP IT!!! OH GOD I CAN’T STOP IT!!! WHERE wHy. why hE DO THIS. Why HE. tOUCH eVERYTHING THATS MINE!!! hE ALWAYS TAKES MY THINGS, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!!!! hIS EYES. HIS EYES WERE LOOKING. ALWAYS LOOKING!!! I CANT. i CAN’T DO THIS. WHERE IS SHE. WHERE IS SHE. WHERE It’s darK. sHE’S nEVER QuiEt. ShE’S never THIS QUIET. He MUFFLED HER, I KNOW HE DID. he DOESNT WANT ME TO HEAR HER CRYING!!!!!!! BUT I CAN. I CAN HEAR HER ANYWAY!!! hE THINKS I CAN’T. BUT I CAN!!!!!!! HE DOESNT WANT HER TO BE MINE!!! BUT SHE’S MINE. MINE!!!!!!! WHERE wHEre IS shE. IS sHE SAFE?!?! IS SHE STILL SAFE???!?!?!? DID I LEAVE HER HERE?!?! WAS IT ME??? DID I DO THIS?!?! no. No. IT WASN’T ME. IT WAS KAN. IT’S ALWAYS KAN. IT’S ALWAYS HIM AND HIS HANDS AND HIS EYES AND HIS SMILE!!! HE TOOK HER. HE TOOK HER AND HE’S RUINING HER!!!!

the maru logs contain an incredibly chilling description of kan's hands used as a metaphor for rape once again. in my mind, this is one of the most nauseating depictions of kan's inflicted trauma in tetro. in the maru logs, we see the jumbled thoughts of nemoto genki depicted as a terminal. throughout the staffside story, we are repeatedly nudged towards the fact that during genki's deterioration, he was raped by kan. it's something that many people seem to understand and that genki himself seems to still carry the pain of even after losing his memory.

here we see genki in a state of extreme distress after dr. kan took away his comfort item as a form of sadistic punishment - a stuffed sheep. sheep and lambs have extremely strong connotations when it comes to symbolism - they're purity, innocence, gentleness and youth. we see that literally ripped away from genki by kan's hands, and genki immediately begins to violently spiral into hysterics.

kan taking the sheep is, in my opinion, a direct metaphor for rape once again. he is literally ripping a symbol of innocence away from genki, and genki reacts accordingly. he completely melts down, insisting that kan is "doing things" to this symbol of his innocence, and that he's ruining her with his gross, filthy hands. "it's always him and his hands". another case of dr. kan's hands being treated as a separate concept to himself. his hands are a weapon, and we see genki completely lose it as kan uses that weapon to rip away his innocence once again. this isn't a connection that the reader needs to force - it's incredibly clear. genki reacts to this as if it was a rape. he cries about violation and filth and ruining. genki seems to go as far as genuinely thinking that kan would violate the sheep itself - directly violating the symbol of his innocence and purity. directly raping his innocence. he reacts with appropriate horror and distress. kan's hands are once again used in this disgusting, violating context.

but kan's hands continue to come up.

Hibari visibly tensed and vocalized his pain throughout the process, but Kan appeared unfazed. He made several inappropriate comments, including, “You should appreciate that I’m being hands-on. Many would leave you to suffer with less care.”

kan describes himself as being hands-on with zenjaku, and says zenjaku should appreciate it. kan has repeatedly stressed a perverse interest in zenjaku and his body up to this point, and would later go on to physically rape him during a moment alone. having this treatment associated with kan being "hands-on" is another glowing example of the metaphor of his hands.

i think tetro is incredibly effective at not only depicting kan's hands themselves as a metaphor for rape and violation, but then also successfully executing an incredibly poignant metaphor for rape in the form of tsutsujio's surgery. kan's hands are rape. by putting them into tsu's body, he violated him and left him with a trauma that tsu describes in an extremely intimate context. anyone affected by kan's hands is violated, because kan's hands represent violation.

im not sure how much more of this we'll get in the future but i just wanted to get my thoughts out - let me know if you see any other interesting examples of this in staffside or let me know if you disagree completely and think im reading way too far into this LMAO. i just wanna hear peoples thoughts

#tetro danganronpa #tetro danganronpa pink #tetro pink #tetro #tdrp #blackberry rambling #tsutsujio tamemichi #toranosuke kan #cw sa #cw medical

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wileys-russo · 2 years ago

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Mini making sure KCC is rested and ready to serve an absolute midfield masterclass on Sunday. Mum goals 🫶🏻🫶🏻

#woso #woso community #kyra cooney cross #katrina gorry

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loonarii · 1 year ago

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Ari's K-Pop Roundup: May 2024 (aespa, NewJeans, IVE, tripleS, YVES, ARTMS + MORE)

sorry this one was a little late - it was partly due to my personal life being a bit hectic at the moment, and partly due to the amount of stuff I wanted to say about this month's releases. check out last month's installment here, and happy pride month :)))

Supernova + Armageddon - aespa

Instant classic. 'Drama' in all its electric cyber-crush glory is a tough act to follow, but 'Supernova' holds it's ground from the first second and starts being fucking iconic in the next five.

Dem Jointz is all over this track, I love how he gets to go a little wild with the complexity of his production when working with groups like aespa and NCT. The beat bounces and booms, taking the listener on an intergalactic roller coaster ride of dance-pop rhythm, with the aespa girls as our celestial guides. 'Supernova' is a masterclass in vocal mixing and ad libs, Ningning's vocals sound especially addictive on this track, low and oozing confidence. It's an instant hit, and one of aespa's best.

While 'Supernova' feels very much in aespa's usual territory, 'Armageddon' takes a few more risks - it's slightly less dancepop, a little more edgy; less first-listen club banger and more third listen unexpected groove. Don't get me wrong, it definitely maintains the hallmarks of an aespa title track: full of unplaceable futuristic synths, tin-can trap beats, and a deep sliding baseline, but something about that half time chorus and the switch up to focus on the members lower registers more feels so confident. 'Armageddon' depicts an aespa utterly assured in their abilities as idols, musicians, entertainers, and performers, and regardless of it you liked the song or not, I think it is clear to anyone from this title track that aespa have far from reached their peak, and they still have much more to do in this industry.

Frustratingly, the album did not live up to the quality of the titles that represent it. There are a few stand out hits, like 'Bahama', which pulls off y3k h2o just add water mermaidcore effortlessly, as well as 'Set The Tone' a classic aespa style track evocative of the 'Drama' and 'Savage' EPs in sound, and 'Licorice' which apparently is controversial to enjoy, but I can't help but love its bounce and rhythm; but much of the rest of the tracklist fell short. I couldn't help but notice a lack of coherence both in the sound and concept of this era. The album feels like a hodgepodge of tracks rather than a deliberate project - there aren't any through lines between tracks other than aespa's flagship futuristic production style (which isn't actually present on every track but whatever), and each song seems to be appealing to different scenarios of streaming music - BAHAMA is for a summer beach date, but Supernova is for the club, but then Live My Life is for a disney channel original movie starring Demi Lovato?? The overall vibe seems to be disjointed.

This is a problem I have with a lot of aespa's releases since the 'Savage' EP - on the EP or mini album or album or whatever around 65-90% of the tracks are certified bangers, life changing hits, and then there are a few dull fillers to pad the runtime. I know there is a pressure for groups to release something twice a year or so, but I think aespa is at a point in their career where they can certainly afford to release an album once a year if it's for the sake of quality music.

Great titles, poor b-sides - aespa deserves more than a top-heavy album, SM take more than six months next time you want to make an album for them I beg.

How Sweet - NewJeans

It's been a rough couple of months over at HYBE, and considering how sick we are of it as fans and listeners, I can't even imagine how exhausted the members are of the whole ordeal. Being at the centre of one of k-pop's biggest company dramas in history in the middle of your comeback season isn't for the weak, but NewJeans make it look easy. They are back, stronger than ever, with yet another instant classic.

'How Sweet' is the complementary reversal of 'Bubblegum', capitalizing on the members gorgeous lower registers and pairing them with a 90s hip-hop vibe, featuring their signature NewJeans production flairs as always. I've seen a little bit of criticism that this song feels too much like 'ETA', (which I think is a bizarre comparison, it much more sounds like a lovechild of 'OMG' and 'Ditto') but I don't think that groups releasing music in their established sound is a bad thing at all. NewJeans aren't rookies anymore, they have more than proved themselves to be a force to be reckoned with both on the charts and on the stage, and with the korean general public and bunnies themselves consistently loving the NewJeans sonic identity it makes no sense for them to abandon it entirely. They've grown a lot since 'Attention' and 'Hype Boy', and their performance of this song shows that clearly.

The girls' vocals on this song are to die for, every line they deliver exudes confidence and assurance in their capabilities. Danielle and Hanni's little chant of 'Toxic loverrrrr you're no betterrrrr, 거기 숨지 말고 얼른 나와, you little demon in my storyline, don't knock on my door, I'll see you out' is adorable and SO catchy, Danielle's delivery in that outro with her Aussie accent being a highlight of the song as a whole.

Yet another banger from (in my opinion) the most exciting kpop group out right now - it is becoming clearer and clearer to me that the day NewJeans release a bad song is the day pigs fly.

Girls Never Die - tripleS (<ASSEMBLE24>)

The final lineup for tripleS is here, and with it, one of the groups best songs to date. Juggling 24 members in one song is feat few have successfully managed, but tripleS expertly uses the plethora of voices they have at their disposal to deliver a title track as hypnotic as it is anthemic.

'Girls Never Die' has all the hallmarks of a tripleS song we've grown to adore, from y3k style production to the classic 'lalala' hook in the chorus - sonically it both calls back to the groups humble beginnings with Acid Angel From Asia's 'Generation', and looks to the future of the group with its united 24 members. The verses tend to lose me a little, but although they are dull, they are thankfully short, and the chorus is a stunner. The finale of the track is a triumph, the final refrain of 'girls never die 절대 never cry' closing the song giving the effect of a battle cry - to me 'Girls Never Die' says tripleS are here to shake things up in the industry, and release fun music while doing it.

I've enjoyed many a tripleS project before this, with the +(KR)ystal Eyes EP and the 2023 ASSEMBLE album being real highlights. '<ASSEMBLE24>' is immediately one of ( if not their best) albums, b-sides such as 'Beyond the Beyond', 'White Soul Sneakers', and ESPECIALLY 'Chiyu' bringing the heat fully.

tripleS are one to watch, and while I have genuinely no clue what 'decentralized kpop idol group' means or what the fuck an objekt is, trust when I say I will be watching.

Accendio - IVE (IVE SWITCH)

After the exciting return of an IVE that is worthy of their hitmaker epithet with 'HEYA', I was intrigued to see what 'Accendio' would bring to the table other than a matching cherry-red wig moment for the members (which was iconic btw.)

'Accendio' borrows some ideas from garage, but generally just feels very kpop - it's functionally the epicentre of the sounds of the industry right now; a little bit tripleS, a little bit (G)-IDLE, but 100% IVE. It has an ethereal quality, but in the sense of a fallen angel, with the lyrics bringing a sense of Catholic guilt (not sure why this is becoming a trend right now but sure!). The chorus is half high-fashion girlpop with their chant of 'watch me, don't touch me; love me, don't hurt me', and half rhythmic acid trip with the onomatopoeia and the refrain of '주문 걸어, accendio'; it's a highly successful marriage of opposites. To me it recalls the sound of their Japanese single 'WAVE' which I personally loved, and while 'HEYA' is technically a more advanced kpop song production-wise, 'Accendio' just has a pace and rhythm to it that 'HEYA' lacks, making it feel more exciting and engaging.

It's actually kind of crazy how good the rest of the album is, like IVE's b-sides have never been criminally bad, but this is wild. Potentially a niche reference for you 4th gen stans, but 'Blue Heart' and 'Ice Queen' are to 'Accendio' what 'Clue' and 'Note' are to SHINee's 'Sherlock'. 'Blue Heart' expands on that vogueish, runway style sound from the first part of the 'Accendio' chorus, and 'Ice Queen' explores that gossamer flowy sound from the refrain. I doubt this was intentional, but I love any sense of sonic consistency in kpop albums (@rinas4ki this kind of what we were talking about) and all three tracks are very successful.

'WOW' is a little bit of a wildcard, an acoustic style girly type of track that sounds like the kind of thing SM used to force aespa to sing, but it works very well for IVE. That post chorus of 'wowowow' is very cute. 'RESET' also has a little bit of a garage sound, and reminds me a lot of Yves debut (which will be discussed below), and while it is pretty catchy, it isn't especially memorable, especially in the context of IVE's discography and the quality of the other tracks on this mini album, but it is still worth a listen for sure.

Overall I am very impressed with IVE this time around, 'HEYA' is very enjoyable, 'Accendio' is even more enjoyable, and the b-sides don't put a spanner in the works at all, in fact they in many ways boost the overall quality of the comeback, a feat frustratingly rare in the kpop scene. If you missed the 'IVE SWITCH' album this month, I would definitely recommend giving it a listen.

LOOP - YVES (LOOP)

It feels good knowing all 12 members of LOONA have redebuted after leaving BBC, and what a way to end it. Yves has always been one of my biases in LOONA, and this solo debut proves exactly why she's so special.

'LOOP' is a uk garage style kpop classic, and while Lil Cherry's rap occasionally wanders into questionable territory, Yves' vocals melded with the gorgeous Pink Pantheress style production (no she didn't actually produce it, but a girl can dream, right?) make the track the hit it is. I've seen the use of 8-bit sounding vocal processing being criticised online, but I personally love the computerized sound it brings - with Yves lilting 'ooh's and refrain of 'yeah I'm lost but I like it' 'LOOP' creates an atmosphere of a virtual euphoria.

'LOOP' is great and all, but for me the real star of the album is the beautiful, the stunning, the AWE INSPIRING, 'DIORAMA'. It's so effortless in it's production and that chorus is so subtle yet addictive, it's seriously good. 'DIORAMA' has been on repeat since it's release, I can definitely see this one finding a spot high on my top kpop tracks of 2024 list.

The mini album as a whole is amazing, Yves is such an exciting soloist, she clearly has a lot she wants to achieve, and 'LOOP' is evidence of that.

Virtual Angel - ARTMS (Dall)

WARNING - PLEASE READ: If you wish to support ARTMS after reading this review, please be warned that the music video for 'Virtual Angel' contains repeated flashing scenes, and has been reported to trigger seizures, epilepsy and headaches in a small minority of viewers - even the 'Human Eye Ver.' has some flashing elements. Please stay safe!

I think i speak for all orbits when I say we had big expectations for 'Dall'. Both of the Loossemble albums so far have been excellent, Chuu and Yves have been bringing it in their solo projects, and everything we've heard out of Modhaus concerning Loona has been incredible - for ARTMS to stumble with this album would be immensely frustrating. Fortunately, they did not stumble at all, they smashed through the finish line of the Loona redebuts, and elevated the groups post-BBC discography to another level of excellence.

'Dall' is an album that is difficult to put into words. It has the essence of Loona beyond just having Heejin, Kim Lip, Jinsoul, Choerry and Haseul involved, it is genuinely quite moving how it echoes that 'Hi High' sound from so long ago. I say this as a joke a lot, but 'Dall' is genuinely an album that feels like an ascension to another plane of existence - it is euphoric and ethereal, especially in the context of the fight the members and orbits have put up since 2022.

I consider 'Girl Front' the gold standard for Loona songs, and 'Virtual Angel' genuinely comes close to snatching that crown. The whole album is so fucking good, and while I would usually go through the charade of describing every track and its genre influences and whether the hook is catchy or not, I refuse for this album - I will not steal the experience from you of hearing this album for the first time.

So yeah, this is probably a mildly shit review, but PLEASE go stream this album, if there was any post BBC Loona album you were going to listen to, let it be this one (but also the Odd Eye Circle album lmao). 'Virtual Angel' is a triumph, 'Dall' is a triumph, 'The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy', 'Sparkle' and 'Unf/Air' ESPECIALLY are triumphs.

In conclusion... stan loona.

MINI REVIEWS:

Taxi Blurr - Jay Park (feat. Natty of KISS OF LIFE): i may not like Jay Park, but Natty is and always will be my girl, so here we are. I really love the 90s r&b style of this track, and Natty especially sounds amazing on it - her vocal colour is so beautiful. The two's voices blend really well in my opinion, the harmonies in the bridge are satisfying as hell.

Mona Lisa - Soojin (formerly (G)-IDLE)): questionable album titles aside, Soojin is back with her second comeback post leaving (G)-IDLE. This song is frustrating because it's not really offensively bad in any sense, but it is also not really especially good in any sense either. The budget for the MV is kind of crazy, but I wish they had put some of that into the making of the actual song.

No Biggie + Algorhythm - ITZY: (requested by @a-moth-to-the-light) If you've been on my blog before, you will know that JYP's direction of ITZY's korean releases has been irking me for a while, but somehow when ITZY gets on that plane and lands in Japan I am always obsessed. I'm into pretty much all of their Japanese releases, like Ringo went triple platinum in my mental chart. 'No Biggie' is really cool actually, super catchy and Yuna sounds amazing on it - it feels very laid back and relevant to the 2024 music space, something that ITZY's korean singles seem to struggle with. 'Algorhythm' is also SO GOOD, in production, style, and vocal performance. The music video and song also have major old red velvet vibes, which I love. ITZY - please stay in Japan a little longer, the discography over there is so solid. I miss Lia so much though, I hope she's doing well.

LOST! - RM (BTS): I really appreciate namjoon's artistry, and I actually enjoyed his 2022 album 'Indigo', quite a bit, but this song just doesn't work for me. I have heard from others that the album is something special tho, so if i have a spare half hour I might give it a listen.

나의 이름은 (ROTY) - YOUNG POSSE: I would like to redact my previous statements on young posse, I get it now, and this song is so fun. Very 2000s, very y2k, beautiful production, great raps from everyone, what more could you want.

Supernatural - A.C.E: Saw a GIF from the music video on my dash and decided to check it out, and I was severely impressed. 'Supernatural' is not an ear-splitting noisy headache of a track I have come to expect from kpop boy groups, it's a light hearted, classic Bruno Mars style pop hit. Good music and a well produced fun concept? I need to check out this group more.

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bigshunt · 8 months ago

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*staggers into the doorway, blood dripping from my nose and mouth*

it's race week my dudes.

Interlagos my beloved chaotic QUEEN. Let's go!

No nuance top 3

1. Charles

2. Carlos

3. Max

Sprint top 3

1. Charles

2. Carlos

3. Lando

🚗 🏎🏎🏎🏎🏎🏎🏎🏎🏎🏎🏎🏎🏎🏎

Silliness below. If I contradict myself, No I didn't! This is all just vibes ✨️

Realistic

- Haas are gonna have a GREAT weekend. Double points finish again. (I shan't elaborate. I feel like getting too specific with Haas scares their luck away.)

- Lawson continues to collect enemies. (Even after being told off last weekend. Which. Lol)

- Oscar continues his mini flop era. (Sorry pookie but if it's as wet as predicted only the big boys are gonna be meaningfully competitive. He's just a baby your honour!)

Unrealistic

- Max Verstappen wet Brazil masterclass 2Fast2Furious. (Either through massive quali fuck up or time penalties similar to last week we get to see Max claw his way through the pack again and it will be very sexy.)

- Yuki finishes the race... 🙈 (babe I'm sorry but you need to step ya pussy up. This can't keep happening.)

- Max AND Lando DNF (I know I put Max in the top 3 but I actually think there is a non-zero chance he and Lando crash out this race. They're in a perpetual game of chicken right now and Lando is deffo reaching a point where he's either gonna just NOT MOVE when Max shoves him or start shoving back.)

Unhinged

- Hamilton win. (HEAR ME OUT. First of all it would be fun. Second of all, merc are slowly getting a handle on their beast of a car, maybe they've worked some magic this week.)

- Perez OUT Colapinto IN. (Lol and indeed ha ha. Lmao even.)

- Haas podium. (I shant elaborate but... lots of dnf's 💞)

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pseudowho · 9 months ago

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just adding onto the mini vagina masterclass! I have felt penises twitch inside of me. Very underwhelming experience and from what I can tell, its more of a pleasurable experience for the person making it twitch. I think THEY think it feels super awesome amazing, but it never has for me at least.

I like this! Amazing addition, quite honestly the first time I've heard someone say they can feel the 'twitch'.

Vaginal sensitivity obviously varies sharply from woman to woman, so whenever I write these 'facts', I'm never surprised to find an outlier here and there. This is why it's important for women to talk about sex though; the range of 'normal' is very much a bell curve, I find 🔔

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

#pseudowho #pseudowho answers you #Haitch #Haitch's Vagina Masterclass

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little-shit-with-zero-control · 3 months ago

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i want to ask what you think of this year's april fool's with cannot (and how many ingots you've got)

I think this is my first ask ever ngl ;_;

Ok so, April Fools events are events that I don’t really like all THAT much or at the very least, events that I kind of see as tedious. They’re really great at first and you really enjoy these AF events/gimmicks but you kinda see why the duration of the event is not as long as normal events (that lasts for two weeks) and why they only happen once a year. They gave away Conviction (RNG reliant operator in an RNG game) in the first event and that joke banner featuring reunion leaders (I find it kinda funny two of those five became actual operators with one of them having a broken ass kit and the other just ass). They did that Emperor mini game next, which was something that I actually really enjoyed. I think it was the best event ever ngl. Then they did that Barrage something that was… forgettable (the Conviction skin was cool though). Then came the U-Official event which was my least favorite because it was so tedious and I don’t really care much for UO and I think it’s because I don’t really care much for vtubers and streamers ngl.

They’re going to have the What If Reunion event next year for EN but for now we have Sexy Tentacle Shopkeep Daddy on That Grind TM / Cockfighting Gambling Event.

And my thoughts are…

I liked it.

I mean…

IT’S MAGNIFICIENT!!!

THIS APRIL FOOLS EVENT IS THE BEST!!!

WHY CAN’T THEY HAVE THIS AS A PERMANENT EVENT?!

MY MAN’S TIDDIES AND TENTIES ARE ON DISPLAY!!!

HE REALLY HAS EVERYTHING WE NEED!!!

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu---

Ok I really liked a lot of things here

First one out of the way is, I really love the music. Jazz/Electro Swing (I’m bad at genres) really fit Cannot here. ALL!!! from the It Cannot Get Any Better Than This! Terra Investment Masterclass soundtrack is such a bop. You really feel like one of Daddy Goodenough’s backup performers. I think Adam Gubman actually sang the song(?) If I’m not mistaken. Regardless, it just makes you grab a cane and dance like you’re in one of those jazz performances. Ngl I did make me want Daddy to be voiced by Adam Gubman. Like the voice really fits him. OH MY GOD!!!

Second one is the art. I just really liked his tiddies. What else can I say?

The event gimmick is really good. It makes you look back on your encounters with these enemies and think about the way you dealt with them. And it makes you rethink how strong some of these enemies are. Like those Big Black Armor dudes are almost always gonna win because most enemies are Phys DMG and their attack doesn’t really exceed the very high DEF of the armor dudes. I never really saw them as that strong aside when I was starting out because my favorite DMG is Arts.

Like the gamemode is so fun. I actually have an idea for a PWP fic for Cannot that popped up in my head because of this. And it really makes you use your brain and stuff.

But it was tedious and boring after a while.

Watching the battle between mobs are just so boring after a while even with their different stats and skills. Betting on who will win based on the way they move and attack is fun at first but after a while it gets boring. They’re just mobs and Pompeii. I don’t wanna see Jesseshit get his ass whooped by Boxer Crocs, I can do that myself and it takes me a shorter time.

Waiting for these mobs to finish fighting is so boring. This is one of the times when I wished x3/x4 speed because it was so boring. And then YOU LOSE?! (skill issue but idc)

I am playing the minigame rn as I’m tying and I feel so bored OH MY GOD!!!

I feel like it would have been slightly better If they included boss enemies here.

I wanna see Izumik fight Talulah or Ishar Mla

Imagine Last Knight vs EikDaddy

THIS IS A POWERSCALER’S DREAM AND THEY ARE SQUANDERING IT ON MOBS AND POMPEII!!!

Ok I understand that maybe there are limitations and shit and that this an event gimmick but still

The rewards were also not that great and I don’t feel motivated to get more ingots. Maybe if Cannot does a strip tease after getting the highest score, I would sit through those 10 rounds of analyzing and gambling just to see his juicy body.

The event was truly fun and makes you use your head but it was boring waiting for the fight to end just for you to lose all your money because you chose “ALL IN” and now you have to offer your body to TentaDaddy to pay off your gambling debts. But that’s more of a reward than punishment if you think about it ;3 .

They should have tiers and Cannot sheds more layers depending on your score.

In short, fun but you understand why it’s only a once a year gimmick. It's my second fave after the Emperor one but a very close second.

My highest score is 2804556

#arknights #cannot goodenough #suck my ingots dry goodenough

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zombiemagickeepsmealive · 2 months ago

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Movie #250 watching every zombie movie ever. House of the Dead 2 (2005) is apparently a sequel to House of the Dead. Maybe they shared characters, but they're so unmemorable and I can't be asked to check. The images are slightly stretched because I watched it on DailyMotion which you know is where all the best movies are.

This movie is a masterclass on cliche action movie characters. Everyone is either a coward, an asshole, or a badass. Only the badass with the most cliche one-liners gets to live. I could hear each line of this movie before it was said and no character acted like a real person.

I don't know how they went from cringy but flashy Matrix-style action in the first one, to anything-but-style in this one. Obviously they had no budget for effects, but you'd think they'd try to make up for that somehow.

The movie starts off with an unrelated mini story about a serority getting raided by a fraturnity and all the women getting sexually harrassed at best, and assaulted at worst, but don't worry, it's all played for laughs. Um so the guy who started the zombie virus gets bit and the virus breaks loose. The elite team of fuck ups, jerks, and idiots, er, I mean soldiers, goes into the university to find the first zombie so they can make a cure from its blood. I don't know why they need the first one. Stop asking. They go in, find the zomb, get a sample, then leave (that's most of the movie right there), then lose the sample, then, get this, they go in again, and get another sample, then leave, then lose the sample. THEN the government bombs the building because there was a ticking clock to the bombing even though it shows that the city is already being overrun at the end, so there was no point in bombing the only building that had the only source of samples to make the cure.

And along the way people get eat.

Zombies were fast and slow as the plot needed. Dumb and smart as the plot needed. Died by headshots only unless the plot needed something else. Evolving to bite through armor(? lol whatever). The virus was transmitted through bites and also one mosquito.

Also there's this thing where you first see a zombie and it growls at a character and then blood drips out of its mouth even though it wasn't eating anyone. I don't get it, but when the blood suddenly drips on to a pristine white football jersey it really reminds you that this is a movie and that everything that's happening is happening for the shot, not because it makes any sense.

Bad movie, not good bad, but bad bad.

#zombie #zombiemovie #everyzombiemovieever #horror #horror movies

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itsduckinghard · 5 months ago

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James May: why Top Gear didn’t need to sack Jeremy Clarkson

As his new programme about famous explorers hits Channel 5, the former Top Gear presenter talks to Andrew Billen about life after The Grand Tour

Friday January 31 2025, 12.01am GMT, The Times

We are, obviously, in a bar, although not the Royal Oak, the pub James May part-owns in the Wiltshire village where he lives, but the Cross Keys, near his other home in west London. We have secured an unheated games room at the back, but it does not stay unheated for long once May spots its wood-burning stove. He is soon making a fire. As he works, he delivers a mini-lecture on why the stove door should initially be kept ajar so as to adjust the ratio of oxygen to carbon dioxide, and what to do thereafter (close the door). I thank him for this gratis masterclass.

“But I don’t think anybody really knows,” Mays says. “Well, actually, the Scandis do, because they write big books about it. They love a bit of log bollocks.”

When we meet he is a week off turning 62, but although he trembles in the January chill, he looks otherwise as roadworthy as when he joined Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond on the BBC’s Top Gear two decades ago. This testy, testosteronic triumvirate became heroes of the counter-counterculture, reactionary in everything from their jokes to their alcohol consumption. (This mid-morning, May, a fan of beer, wine and spirits, is on the hot chocolate, because there is one beverage he hates and it is coffee.) When Clarkson crashed their telly vehicle in 2015 and was fired for assaulting a producer who had failed to conjure a steak after a day’s filming in North Yorkshire, May and Hammond resigned in solidarity, but the three did not have to wait long before Prime Video pounced on them. For another eight years, they bumped and bounced classic cars around the world until The Grand Tour was itself hauled to the scrapyard last year, by which time the trio were multimillionaires and — or so they would insist — heartily sick of one another’s company.

But age cannot depreciate May. His hair, for one big thing, remains defiantly Seventies roadie. “I either look like I’ve had some sort of weird Victorian ailment or a bit like Valerie Singleton in her Blue Peter days,” he says of having tried it shorter. With his white moustache and goatee, I say he is going a bit Big Yin. “I think,” he says, “men have a duty to experiment with facial hair.”

Last summer he broke his wrist falling off his bike after failing to negotiate a puddle, and without his regular ten-mile cycle rides he has felt “podgy and lethargic”. You will clock his bandaged hand on Channel 5’s James May’s Great Explorers, in which he disassembles the myths and scrutinises the nuts and futtocks of the voyages of Christopher Columbus, Walter Raleigh and James Cook. The three-parter is funny and irreverent — at one point he calls the British Museum “the world’s largest lost property office” — but also one of the most seriously educative series he has made (and he has made nearly 30 since 1998). For Channel 5, his signing is a big deal and its PRs have supplied him with briefing notes, because, he explains, they think he is senile.

“So it reads here, ‘Channel 5 is the destination for unmissable, high-quality factual programming.’ That’s not the sort of thing I am known for, is it?”

Or it. When Channel 5 launched, it was famous for its soft porn.

“Yeah, porn,” he says turning faux-naive. “Apparently a lot of teenagers look at porn now on the internet, whereas when I was a teenager, it was something you might find on a building site, if you were lucky.”

Or in a hedge on the way to school. Pretty vanilla by today’s standards (I believe). “Not even sex. In some ways I’m glad I’m not young any more. It sounds like hard work.”

The briefing notes put to one side, we turn to his series’ verdicts on history’s great grand tourists. He accuses Cook of being party to a “land grab by an empire [British] hellbent on world domination”, calls Raleigh a “wild boy with a taste for violence” and relays the unwelcome news that Columbus was the largest single trader of enslaved indigenous people of his era. Such debunking may surprise those who assume that Clarkson’s politics were something that his Top Gear amigos had also navigated towards. Does May, I ask, think Kemi Badenoch will approve of Great Explorers?

“Is Badenoch pro or against reparations? She would be against, wouldn’t she? Well, my first response to your question would be, I hope she enjoys it. And I hope…”

She learns something?

“I mean, I don’t want people to get the impression that this is a deep analysis of the psychology and policy of colonialism. It is really about navigation and sail technology and barrel-making and biscuits. Those ship’s biscuits are so awful.”

The thing is, I say, he is a centrist who identifies as a “bloke”, but the term seems to have been colonised by the right.

“I think the definition has changed. Being a bloke used to mean camaraderie. And then, at one point, it meant being dependable and handy, and then more recently it came to mean sort of endearingly hopeless. Now ‘bloke’ possibly means yob. Men are being, in many ways, belittled. My idea of man-ness — and I would say this, because I’m not a tough guy or anything like that — is a kind of dependability and practicality. Men are supposed to be able to do things. They’re not supposed to rejoice in their own uselessness and think it’s cute, because it isn’t. It’s feeble.”

I suppose people could be suspicious of him because his shows have featured so few women (although some are interviewed on Great Explorers including — political correctness gone mad — a female skipper). Does he enjoy the frisson of male-only company?

“I like the company of women because I find them really fascinating and they’re sort of the most wonderful thing on earth, but there is a camaraderie that men have when they’re trying to achieve something. You see it on building sites and factories where things are being made. There’s a bit of a movement going on, people saying, ‘Oh, we need to reinvent safe male spaces,’ and I used to think, ‘Oh, sod off. They’re called garages and workshops.’ ”

And if you’re posh, gentlemen’s clubs.

“I’ve been to a few of those places and if it’s blokes together eating too much red meat and farting a lot, I haven’t got much time for it, to be honest. But a load of blokes building a shed or playing darts, I could go for that. But I’m perfectly happy if there’s a load of women there as well.”

He has been with his partner, Sarah Frater, the dance critic, for 24 years (he has said he felt he left it too late to have children), but does he have platonic women friends? “Yes, loads. Some of them I’ve known for 45-plus years.”

I imagine his technique with women was to make them laugh.

“Well, maybe a bit later on. Not when I was young. I think I was actually too nerdy. I was a bit of a late developer.

Were there girls at his school?

“I went to a modern comprehensive. I had lots of girlfriends and things.”

But no sex involved?

“Not until I was about 16.”

That sounds quite early to me, I say (envious). “Sixth-form college. I must have been 17 actually.”

‘I don’t actually think our Top Gear had to end’

May hates the television cliché of celebrities on personal “journeys” in order to discover themselves. “I think, ‘Oh, f*** off!’ Find out some stuff and tell me something authoritative, or at least considered.” For him, one of the merits of Great Explorers is that it is about journeys to the end of the earth, not the soul.

Compare and contrast The Grand Tour, the diesel-oiled phoenix that rose from the ashes of Clarkson and co’s Top Gear. During its run, the show increasingly depended on our interest in its presenters. Particularly once the portable big-tent studio that substituted for the BBC’s aircraft hangar in Surrey was decommissioned, The Grand Tour no longer gloried in its cars. Instead, we watched hoping to observe the drivers’ characters revealed under pressure. The problem was, every time crisis stripped off a layer of self, the new layer revealed looked exactly as tough and leathery as the one before. And if it was insights into an inter-bloke dynamic you were interested in, you could never be sure the trio’s hostility was scripted or spontaneous. Someone’s car would break down and the other two would gloatingly zoom past. But why wouldn’t they, since a film crew with its attendant mechanics, was already at the beleaguered party’s side, ready to help?

I would judge last September’s feature-length finale of The Grand Tour a masterpiece, epic, funny and moving — because parting is always such sweet sorrow, even for frenemies. Only in the most limited sense, however, was The Grand Tour factual programming. In one scene the three smelted a pile of silver trinkets bought cheap in Zimbabwe and came up with the idea of moulding them into accessories for their cars, in May’s case a solid silver steering wheel. In the morning it had miraculously been fitted to his Triumph Stag. It was magic realism, I say, not documentary.

“It was a pantomime, really, I think. We ask you to go along with it. I mean, it was a mixture of things that were obviously deeply and knowingly contrived, but then a lot of the stuff that made it in was just stuff that happened. The expression in television is, ‘The universe will provide.’ If you’re going to drive across the spine of Africa or drive through India, stuff is going to happen. It just is. If the cameras are rolling, well, you’ve got your content.”

Perhaps, to continue this line of thinking, the universe provided for Clarkson, Hammond and May when stuff happened in that Yorkshire hotel in 2015. Perhaps ten years ago this spring the universe decided to give Amazon’s then newish streaming service a blast of front-page publicity and make three motoring journalists super-rich. Or perhaps the trio’s split from the BBC was avoidable?

“I thought it was very unfortunate and I don’t actually think our Top Gear had to end because of it. I think it could have been patched up and put down to a bit of high stress and flightiness, to be honest. It happened. It’s regrettable and it’s unfortunate, but it didn’t need to lead to the collapse of something very successful. Maybe these things are ordained and it was time for us to move on. We had been doing it by then for a decade, I think, more. And I never imagined it would last as long. I went into it from magazine journalism and I thought it would be a good laugh probably for a couple of years.

“I mean, without being big-headed about it, we were Top Gear and we were one of the biggest TV shows in the world at the time. It was quite an intense environment and it’s not entirely surprising that it occasionally went off the rails. If we’d been AC/DC or Thin Lizzy, nobody would have been the slightest bit surprised.”

And they were blokes.

“We’re all blokes and we worked quite hard and quite long hours and it was exciting but it was quite difficult.”

Did they fight? “No, not seriously. We used to squabble but, no, we weren’t Fleetwood Mac. We didn’t get that bad. We didn’t end up absolutely loathing each other, taking legal action against each other or anything like that.”

Although I have always thought May and Clarkson shared the same speech patterns and that Hammond was Sorcerer Clarkson’s devoted apprentice, the three, May says, were never very alike. “I like to think of myself as fairly liberal. I think of the other two as Stuckists, trying to live in the Twenties. I’ve always said Jeremy is a bit of an Edwardian and Hammond is Toad of Toad Hall with his little waistcoat and his vintage car.”

On location, May and Hammond convened meetings of “James & Richard’s Debating Society” (up for debate one night: how do you know a dog is a dog?) and the club has never been dissolved. “Jeremy never really got involved in that. I think he just thought we were being boorish or something. Or maybe he doesn’t have very many views on, say, a society that grows vertically and then falls over.

“I think Jeremy likes to have strong opinions. It’s what on the internet would be called, ‘Trust me, bro.’ But then again, when we went to the North Pole years ago, I spent many days sitting alongside Jeremy Clarkson and indeed sharing a tent with him, and we had some very entertaining discussions about banalities like food from our childhood and people’s trousers. Stuff like that.”

Does he share Clarkson’s view, as expressed on the GT finale, that electric vehicles are unreviewable as they are, like fridges, just “white goods”?

“No. I completely disagree with him on that. We have debated that quite a lot. I think the electric so-called revolution — it isn’t one really, as we’ve had electric cars for well over 100 years — is a great experiment and it makes cars interesting to talk about again. I know what he means because he’s saying there’s no engine to fall in love with. We have become very obsessed with internal combustion mainly because it’s flawed and it’s the flaws that make it fascinating. It’s a bit like people.”

‘I saw Jeremy recently. He seemed all right. We just seem older’

It strikes me that TG and GT were never about friendship. They were sit-docs about people who had to work together, and more The Office than Last of the Summer Wine. May likes that thought. “We’re not natural friends. That’s actually why it worked. I often looked back at Top Gear and The Grand Tour and thought in many ways I didn’t really belong on it. But that’s exactly why I was on it. It needed one of each of us for it to work.”

At the end of the last Grand Tour, the three stood on a mound on the Makadikadi salt pan in Botswana and gazed in opposing directions. Then they roared off towards their different horizons and we saw May delete his colleagues’ numbers from his phone. He came up with the joke, he says, but when I ask whether they will ever work together again, he says he wouldn’t have thought so, no.

So how are Clarkson-May relations? The former has banned the latter from his pub, the Farmer’s Dog in Oxfordshire, but May says he wasn’t intending to visit it anyway, given it is 80 miles from his own hostelry. I ask whether, when Clarkson had his heart attack (which is how Clarkson described it to Newsnight in November), May rang him. “I didn’t read that bit. I thought he was warned that he would have a heart attack. I did actually see him a few weeks later, at a funeral, unfortunately, of someone we both knew. He seemed all right. We just seem older.”

The three have certainly ended up in different places, Clarkson, most successfully, on Prime Video’s Clarkson’s Farm, Hammond on his car restoration show Richard Hammond’s Workshop and May in his nerd-fest, James May and the Dull Men, shown, like Hammond’s programme, on Discovery+. None appears to be on a route back to the BBC, although May advised the corporation to release Top Gear from the state of permanent suspension it has been in since presenter Andrew Flintoff’s accident in December 2022.

“I think it should come back. There have been mutterings about Amazon reinventing The Grand Tour as a sort of Son of Grand Tour without us. I think it’s time to reinvent the genre of car programming. There must be another way of doing it, but it will require some other young and worldly people to work out what it is. I don’t really know what it is.”

For May, however, it does seem the end of the road for him and Prime Video, the streamer having terminated his shows Oh Cook!, in which he learnt to cook, and Our Man in…, in which he explained the ways of Japan, Italy and India to blokes. Has Amazon cancelled him?

“I don’t really know, to be honest. I remember at one point, Amazon told me they wanted to do either really big stuff like their James Bond series or Lord of the Rings, or very small things like Oh Cook!, which for them was a tiny budget programme. But then they changed again and just wanted to do really big things. So, that wasn’t me. I’m not big enough or I don’t have enough viewers. Channel 5 is a nice home.”

He muses on what he might do for it next. A surgery programme maybe. “I mean, I would actually like to film a hip replacement.”

I wonder, however, how much he misses the travel, given that for Great Explorers Channel 5 flew him no further than Seville, supposedly on the grounds that if you replicated their original voyages the series would take at least 11 years to make.

“Yes, I still get excited about getting on aeroplanes and passport control and so on. But I’m also quite enjoying staying at home or going to places in Britain like I did in my childhood. I’ve done enough deserts and rainforests. If I want to go to Italy or Scandinavia, which I also love, I can just go on a simple holiday.”

We must not forget that Amazon left May and his former colleagues so rich that a weekend break in Europe is the smallest of change, and even a divorce such as the one Hammond announces days after I meet May is quite doable. May never reveals how much Amazon paid him, but the fact he owns two homes, his own gin business, nine cars garaged in an underground bunker (in London he drives a VW Polo and a Tesla) and a light aircraft, gives us an idea. It is far from the middle-class comforts he grew up with as the son of an aluminium factory manager in Bristol, then Newport in Wales and then Rotherham. Although a good-with-his-hands Blue Peter lad rather than a groovy Magpie viewer, he resented the BBC’s assumptions about its audience.

“There was that show called Why Don’t You Just Switch Off Your Television Set and Go Out and Do Something Less Boring Instead?. There were always kids on who had things their grandpa had made them like a go-kart or they had a sailing dinghy or a radio-controlled aircraft carrier or something and you used to watch it and think, ‘Oh, f*** off!’ ”

Like those Enid Blyton children who lived in big houses and had uncles with another big house by the sea?

“And a cook. That used to really annoy me because it was very overindulged rich kids with things that I didn’t have.”

And now he has?

“I don’t really think about that. I think the secret to a happy life — and I always thought this and I pretty much stuck to it, even when I was flat broke in my twenties — is to live within your means.”

So he doesn’t really think about money? “No, not really.”

That is a luxury for most people, isn’t it? “Well, it probably is unless they strictly live within their means.”

‘I read a lot of poetry’

We know that Great Explorers, a series visibly intent on living within its means, is not about its presenter’s self-discovery. Nevertheless, watching it you glean hints of who May is when not being sitcommed on The Grand Tour. I ask which of Columbus, Raleigh and Cook is his favourite.

“Columbus was obviously a bit of a badass. He ended up clapped in irons by his own king and queen. He definitely enslaved people and he definitely brutalised people. Raleigh? I think in modern terms we’d call him a grifter, wouldn’t we?”

I thought May, who studied music at college, plays the harpsichord and collects art, might appreciate Sir Walter, the sonnet-composing renaissance man.

“And some of his poetry is quite good. Some of it is pretty awful. People like Sir Philip Sidney are rather better. I read a lot of poetry and I’ve even written a bit.”

Does he still?

“Not very much. I write haikus.”

Can he give me one?

“Forest of bamboo/ What then should we make of you?/ Probably a hat.”

Take that, Raleigh. So Cook, with his cartography and science, is his man?

“Because I think he’s a bit of a nerd.”

It is time to go. Gathering his briefing notes, May realises triumphantly he has not referred to them once. The wood-burner is dying down, but the fire in my interviewee’s belly? It burns bright. James May is the eternal combustion engine that never combusts into anger, the Grand Tourist more likely to write a poem than raise a fist, a bloke, but one suited to the age of the electric car.

James May’s Great Explorers starts on Channel 5 on February 13 at 9pm

#james may

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sseomtada · 1 year ago

Text

being [ruben dias]

shenanigans ensue at erling's party & later, you're interrupted by a surprise visitor.

warnings: none | wc: 4966 | 6/8

“Should I go with sapphire or teal?”

You held both options up to your chest, head tilting in the mirror with scrutiny before spinning around to do the same for your best friend. She surveyed the outfit choices. One was a jewel blue two piece with a blazer and wide legged pants. The other’s color reminded you of a hue you’d find in a rainforest, with a cropped high-neck top and maxi skirt.

“Second fit.” Aki came to her conclusion.

That’s what you were leaning more towards too. You loved the competitor, but it felt a little too CEO for a party. She wrapped up steaming out her corseted pink mini dress and summoned you to her vanity where she curled your hair.

“Should I expect to see any of your suitors tonight?” Your eyes met hers in the mirror.

Her expression soured. “Absolutely not. Why would I bring a packed lunch to a buffet?”

That nearly made your ear get burnt off as you cackled. The once perpetually booed up girl you knew had now morphed into a menacing serial dater. You were honestly impressed with her evolution. She gave the same energy she received and was refusing to claim anyone seriously until they met all of her needs.

“I can’t wait to watch your masterclass in live time.” You slipped into your outfit.

“Watch closely.” Her lips smacked post lip gloss application. “Even an old dog can learn new tricks.”

The revelation that you were back together with Ruben was still settling in with her. While she wasn’t upset about it, she was crossed that she had been robbed of playing wingwoman for you at events. You reminded her that Cindy was single and it actually worked to perk her up a little. Playing Cupid was one of her favorite pastimes.

While approaching the party, you realized that you had ventured into familiar territory. It only fully sank in once the car rolled up to the front of the building and you spotted the interior. How you failed to notice that Erling lived in the same spot as Ruben was beyond you. Well, almost.

You had been quite distracted by the later recently. The location also made you laugh, recalling that Erling had hosted the initial meeting at his place of work. He was a man that clearly liked to keep everything in close knit.

When you got out of the lift, both your mouth and Aki’s dropped a bit. This was actually what getting paid the big bucks got someone. His apartment was a sprawling penthouse, recently renovated to have the latest styles and fixtures.

“You’re here!” Cindy bounced over to give you kisses.

“We hope you weren’t too bored waiting for us.” Aki scanned a tray of treats that floated by.

“I think I managed quite fine…” Her voice trailed off along with her gaze.

You followed it to a tall brunette swaying along with the chill house music playing through the sound system. His face was familiar from some pictures you’d seen in Ruben’s apartment - one of his teammates.

Speaking of which, you felt him. The flesh on your arms raised, silent alarm ringing to alert your system to someone’s eyes being stuck on you. When you picked up on his trail, you found him cracking open a bottle of water. His cheeks rose with a smile before he took a sip.

Another alarm signaled, your target closer this time. It was Aki who peered between you two like a strict father who was chaperoning a dance. She told Cindy to give you two a second as she took you by the hand and dragged you over. Your eyes widened, body tensing to slow her momentum.

“Relax, I just wanna say something real quick.” She tugged a bit more to loosen you.

That did nothing to ease your nerves about the impending interaction. If anything, it only made your stomach twist tighter. Ruben was experiencing the same thing judging by the look on his face as she saw her coming in hot with you on her heels.

“Ruben.” Her voice was flat in greeting.

“Aki.” He swallowed thickly.

“I don’t have to remind you that I make promises, not threats, right?” Aki smiled humorlessly.

Ruben staggered out a nod. He knew exactly where she was coming from.

“Good.” She gave your fingers a squeeze and released them. “I’ll leave you two to do whatever it is that people who dated for five years - separated for seven on account of one person’s decision - and reunited while ruining my favorite chair in the office do.”

Both of you were left with open mouths and flaming faces as you watched her go back over to Cindy, who you realized would have lots of questions about the exchange. You knew that Aki was going to figure out the real reason her comfort sofa had been replaced. What a time and what a way for her to reveal it.

“That was a ramble. She can’t ramble when she’s truly upset.” Ruben whispered.

Your head inclined positively. “I think that actually went well.”

His shoulders sagged with relief. You instinctually placed your hands over them to give him a small massage. If it wasn’t obvious that something was going on between you two in any onlooker’s eyes, they would’ve caught on by now.

The way he looked at you would cement any suspicions as well. Ruben couldn’t stop himself from visibly appreciating the effort you put into tonight’s look. The feeling was very mutual. You loved him in all black, especially when his shirt strained against his chest.

He leaned forward, getting as far as touching noses with you until you reared back slightly.

“Have you told everyone here about us?” You breathed.

“I haven’t shut up about you in the past two days.” Ruben chuckled.

A hand curled around the back of his neck to bring him in for the kiss he’d so badly wanted. You did too, even more so after what he said. It wasn’t nearly enough to satisfy the craving you had for him, present company and all, but it was enough to satiate you for now.

The music lowered, but you hadn’t even noticed until you heard clinking on a glass. Your view switched from eyes you often got lost in to the reason you were all gathered here tonight. Erling waved, thanking everyone for coming out to celebrate the launch of his brand.

He went on to announce the biggest news of the night. It was the project Aki had been working so diligently to secure for him - a deal to collaborate on an activewear line with H&M. You had a timer set to drop the news on his website after the party so that it wasn’t spoiled.

“A team of hardworking women really went above and beyond for me, so thank you Erika,” He tipped his glass to his assistant and then towards your group. “Y/N, Aki and Cindy.”

You met all the kind smiles directed towards you with one of your own. If you weren’t already lit up like a Christmas tree, his move surely made that the case. Ruben’s hand curled around your waist to pull you in for a kiss atop your head.

“Let’s have fun tonight, but not too much. Pep can always tell when we’ve overdone it.” Erling wrapped up his speech.

The members in attendance groaned, man beside you included.

“Oh! One more thing.” He interrupted again. “Cheers to Ruben and Y/N! I don’t know how you got so lucky, but please don’t fuck it up. I love being her client.”

Aki whooped and the music resumed. You were definitely on fire, head to toe.

Ruben’s head fell and shook. Your arms wrapped around him as you made a small cooing sound. Poor thing, he had to take a lot of warnings on the chin on your behalf tonight. A part of you was smiling though. It was good to know that someone inside his camp was keeping him on his toes.

Celebrations got into full swing once the drinks really started flowing. Before the crowd got too involved with libations, Ruben introduced you to the people he spent the most time with. The tall brunette from earlier was John, you learned. You also did some low-key recon on his relationship status.

He’s here alone?

Poor guy has been coming to these types of events alone for a while now…

Everyone was letting a bit looser than you expected given Erling’s warning earlier. If the image of them somewhat behaving looked like Aki beating three of them in a row downing bulldogs, you didn’t want to know what full out was. Still, curiosity got the best of you.

“How do you guys act when not on your best behavior?” You quirked a brow at Ruben’s fellow countryman hitting a dance move you hand’t seen in ages.

He clutched his lower stomach subconsciously, gaze distant. “Let’s just say I don’t recall much about our treble celebrations.”

That was surprising. Even when you were younger with livers that could tolerate the cheapest of liquor in spades, he wasn’t much of a drinker. You’d only ever seen him drunk a handful of times, which was a blessing to be honest. He was the type to fall asleep anywhere.

“Sounds like it was a blast.” You hummed.

The feeling you had in his flat while taking in his accolades had made a reappearance. You didn’t know if it would ever get any easier - having to live all those moments of success he had secondhand. There would always be that voice in the back of your mind whispering that you should’ve been present for them.

“Hey,” Ruben must’ve sensed your longing, and tilted your chin up. “Remember what I said?”

You nodded and smiled, nuzzling into his palm. “I do.”

“Good, I just want you to focus on this. We’re here tonight because of you.” He beamed.

It hit you then that things must’ve been the same for him. The last time he’d been in your life, you weren’t anywhere close to being an owner of a multinational company. He’d missed your university graduations, the ladder climbing, your ribbon cutting ceremonies and all of the big projects that bore Bana’s credit.

“All those times you doubted yourself, those moments where you wanted to quit so badly…they never stood a chance against your belief in yourself.” His thumb ran gently across your cheek. “I’m so proud of you, Y/N, and I can’t wait to see how much more you achieve.”

You squeezed him tight. If there was anyone who had faith in you just as much if not more than yourself most days, besides Aki, it was him. Sometimes, you used to think that you were only doing it for him, pushing past the disappointment and doubt just so that he didn’t see you as a failure.

Hearing him say those words only validated the realization that your past thoughts had never been the case. You proved to yourself that with or without him, you were going to get to the point you were at currently.

“Come,” You took his hand in yours. “We can’t let them have all the fun.”

Ruben laughed as you downed the rest of your wine and pulled him in to dance with you. He spun you around, pressing his chest to your back. You peered at him devilishly over your shoulder while moving your hips in time with his.

That only lasted for so long before you felt him getting a little too excited. Your body pivoted to face his again, fingers joining behind his neck. He pressed his forehead to yours as you swayed and forgot the present environment in a more appropriate manner.

You didn’t know how many songs had passed until you came back to earth. There was noticeably more space in the apartment, a few bodies had cleared out while you were under his spell. A sight that caught your eye proudly was Cindy who was making hushed conversation with John on the sofa.

“This outfit of yours is doing something to me.” Ruben spoke into your ear.

A shiver ran down your whole body. He knew what he was doing, activating your senses like this and walking you right into his trap. You rolled your eyes mostly at yourself. That was exactly where you wanted to end up anyways.

“‘You trying to seduce me, Dias?” Your lip pinned between your teeth.

“Always.” He kissed your neck.

Just as your gaze was about to get lost behind your eyelids, you spotted Aki blowing kisses at a bottle of champagne. All of the lust fueled urges you were feeling took the back burner to newfound nurturing.

“You’re gonna have to put a pin in that.” You patted his chest.

Ruben gave you his best puppy eyes. “Hm?”

Your head nudged towards your friend who was now making a move on the poor alcohol, a finger trailing lazily down its side. He made a small ah sound, understanding what you meant immediately.

“Why don’t we take the party back to mine?” You looped an arm around hers.

Aki squinted at you. “Don’t you have knock to boots with that giant meany?”

It took everything in you not to laugh in her face. This was definitely the perfect moment for you to get her out of here. The next stage in her drunkenness would be a wildcard. You’d either be subjected to a long winded proclamation on how she felt about everything, or impromptu karaoke of Santana’s greatest hits. Neither of which suited the occasion.

“I have a bestie I’d much rather cuddle with tonight.” A little flattery always did the trick.

Her expression softened and she pulled you into a hug. The words muffled into your chest signaled that she’d slipped into the love bombing phase of intoxication, which you greatly preferred to her jazz rendition of Maria, Maria.

You began walking towards the door while dragging her slowly along. A hand raised to wave goodbye to Cindy and then Erling, the other stroking Aki’s back. Ruben was about to approach, but your eyes widened and your head shook quickly. The lion was almost out of the den.

As if she was an actual predator, Aki stiffened. Her glassy eyes found him instantly and you could see him holding his breath, waiting. She took your hand and dragged you the rest of the way to the door, her tongue sticking out tauntingly towards him.

Before the lift close, you saw Ruben laughing. He blew you a kiss, which luckily had gone unnoticed by your bodyguard. It found itself tucked into your pocket, remembering how you used to do the same back then.

You couldn’t wait to feel the weight increase as you collected those yet to come.

The following day at the office found your team one player down.

Given the night that transpired, you weren’t too surprised by that. You had to actually make good on your promise to bring the festivities home by dancing with Aki. Ultimately, that worked in your favor. It got her parched enough to drink water while also purging out some of the alcohol in her system.

What was surprising was the fact that she wasn’t the missing person. While her ability to bounce back was the quickest between you two, you weren’t placing bets on her peeling out of bed shortly after you did. And it was a good thing you didn’t take the risk.

She listened to the silence of the space, noticeably devoid of any fingers moving across a keyboard or faint music floating down the hallway like usual. Her hands then dramatically snatched the sunglasses from her face as she posed the same question rattling around your mind.

“Where’s Cindy?”

The inquiry hung for a second before a proverbial lightbulb went off in your head. You didn’t want to get too ahead of yourself, but you had a pretty good idea concerning the reason behind her discernible absence. At least, you hoped that was why.

“I think she’s cashing in one of those bonus days.” You smiled.

Aki shrugged, slipping her glasses back on. “Fair, poor thing works too hard.”

You focused on lessening the load for her upon her return. The more technical aspects of client management wasn’t particularly your favorite thing to do, but you’d suck it up for the sake of her finally getting the rest she deserved.

About half of the day passed when your best friend dragged herself into your office. She ran out of what little steam she had, which you completely understood. You commended her for even being able to lift a toothbrush into her mouth this morning.

That left you the sole survivor of Erling’s launch party. It took you back to the days when you first started Bana. Like that dollar and a dream saying, all you had was yourself, a laptop and an unhealthy amount of delusion.

You welcomed that energy and channeled it into the work laid out before you. One thing you never wanted to lose was that initial hunger. It was the motivation that would keep you going even when things were slowing down like they sort of currently were.

Any leads that Cindy had marked out, you followed up on with fervor. While you were at that, you worked on updating the company’s website and portfolio to reflect the latest projects you’d worked on.

When are you gonna give me a tour of your place?

You huffed out a laugh, typing.

Meet me there soon. Mine looks best at sunset.

Now that the cat was out of the bag, you didn’t have to worry about keeping him away from your home radius with a ten foot pole. It also helped that Aki was definitely going to be out of commission until the next day at the earliest. So there was no chance of a still awkward potential run in.

You wrapped up the last few emails on the list you had to send out and made your way back. Hopefully he wasn’t too eager to come over since quite the mess had been left from the previous night.

As soon as you got home, you cracked your windows to air out the loft and got to cleaning. Given that you didn’t know how much time you were working with, you put on an hour timer for extra encouragement. Dishes, sweeping, dusting and surface cleaning in that order all while you carried out laundry.

When the timer ended, you’d just returned from throwing the trash down chute at the end of the hall. With Ruben still not being there, you put your freshly cleaned shower to the test and then got into some loungewear straight from the dryer.

I’m downstairs.

You felt giddy as replied to him which floor you were on before you sent the elevator down.

“Hello MTV…” Your arm stretched above your head.

Ruben jogged over and tackled you inside playfully. You couldn’t help the giggles that fell from your mouth until they were cut off by his. He peppered your face with kisses and moved down to your neck.

“I missed you.” His nose nuzzled against your skin.

Even though it had been less than a day since you last saw him, you related to his remark. The hours you spent apart felt like days and sometimes even months, as exaggerative as that sounded. When you weren’t with him, in the back of your mind if not the forefront, you were always thinking about the last and next time you’d see him.

You stroked his hair gently, “I missed you too.”

Though you might not have millions of followers on your social media, you gave him the brand marketer’s version of a house tour. You’d argue that it was better. He got all the details from the imported quartz countertops, your treasured surgical steel knife collection, custom made sofa and floor to ceiling tiled bathroom all the way down to the thread-count of your duvet.

“And now, as promised.” You dragged him back to the entirely windowed wall of your living room.

He’d arrived just in time to catch the sunset. It was luckily a good weather day in this perpetually drab city, grey skies making way for the blue he donned week after week. Hues of yellow, orange and a dash of pink illuminated the space, bathing you both in the sun’s warm kaleidoscope.

“I think your view is better than mine.” Ruben marveled.

That might’ve been true. The only thing you would change about your flat was to have a balcony like his. There was a unit with one a few floors up, but it was already occupied. You definitely weren’t staking out the developer’s leasing page on a regular basis to see if it became available.

Once the sun had disappeared, you settled onto the couch and lied on his lap. Unlike him, you reminded, you were not some Michelin star chef and also still had yet to do a grocery run. That left your trusted friend, the delivery app, to do all of the work for tonight’s meal.

Ruben wasn’t objected to the idea. In fact, he welcomed it a bit too eagerly. You almost took offense until he swiftly interjected that he’d been craving something different lately. It still had to be somewhat healthy though, special footballer diet and all.

You put in an order from one of your favorite spots. It was a small family owned Greek place that always used the freshest ingredients, something you were sure both your bodies would thank you for after a long day.

While you ate your mouth watering wrap, you curled up beside him and put on a random trending movie on Netflix. It quickly became background noise though. He was more interested in hearing about your recent events and how life had been since you moved to Manchester.

“There’s something else we have to talk about.” Ruben took a sip of water.

Your back immediately straightened. Those words were never the precursor for something pleasant. When matched with that tone and a more serious expression, you certainly weren’t excited to hear what was next.

“Should I be worried?” Your brows met as you tried to fight off the millions of scenarios that flooded your head.

“It’s nothing particularly bad, it’s just,” He scratched his beard. “Now that I play for City and we get so much media attention, being with me will come with a lot more than it used to.”

You breathed a sigh of relief. It was good to know that he wasn’t going to spring a surprise on you like the fact that he had a situationship he’d never really cut off, or that he was harboring a secret love child.

Funnily enough, the WAG thing never really crossed your mind. He’d only ever been the oddly cute buck toothed boy you fell for on the playground, even when you were watching him play before his senior debut. It was weird trying to reconcile that version of him with how others saw him.

“Oh no, do you have stalkers now?” You half-joked.

“Be serious!” Ruben warned through a grin. “I don’t, but some people do go a bit overboard with player’s partners. Taking pictures of them out in public, digging into their pasts, leaving malicious comments. I’ve been told that there’s some news about us so…”

The importance of what he was saying wasn’t lost on you. You’d heard about how intense things could get when publicly dating a footballer. With his looks and status, you honestly anticipated him having some fans that were obsessive in an unhealthy way. The fact that you hadn’t even really been out together publicly but already were exposed kind of proved that.

You appreciated him looking out for you. He knew none of that could ever change things, but still felt it was necessary to check in with you to confirm that you knew what all getting back together brought. It only made you want him more.

“All I do is work and I barely use socials anyways.” You wrapped your arms around his neck. “I guess the only thing I have to do is make sure I don’t leave home looking like a bum.”

He shook his head. “Impossible, you look good in anything.”

Your eyes did a full circle. There he was with his sweet words, trying to seduce you again. You had a thought to give him a taste of his own medicine and so you followed through with it. In one quick move, you straddled him and brought your lips to hover just over his.

“What about nothing?”

Ruben instantly sealed the gap between you and him. Even better, he muttered into your mouth. You swallowed his words, feeling them travel all the way down to stoke the flames already licking within the molten pit in your stomach.

Your tongue moved against and over his own while your hips dug deep into his. He trembled beneath you, hands falling to massage your ass. Most of it was left half exposed by your ridden up shorts, making your flesh rise to meet his fingertips and palms

Everything about him was so divine. The way he smelt, felt and tasted. You wanted to engrave each inch of him in your memory so that you’d never forget any of his being ever again. Your lips met his forehead, his cheeks, chin and neck.

They grew hungrier the more they feasted. You tugged on his shirt that was unhesitatingly removed with his help. Across the expanse of his shoulders, your lips traversed next, and then down to his firm chest. You became something of a woman possessed as your teeth pinched his nipple.

“Y/N!” Ruben gasped in shock.

You pulled away quickly, worried. “Did that hurt?”

“No, it just…” His eyes narrowed as a sly expression took over his face.

Instead of telling you what it did to him, he decided to show you. His hand trailed up your waist until his thumbs ran along the underside of your breasts. You shivered, teeth baring with a smile. His fingers moved lower and began moving quickly, digging into your sides.

“Traitor!” You yelled and leapt from his lap.

“You started it.” He reached out a hand. “Come back, I won’t tickle you again.”

Your confidence in that statement was nearly zero. The escape you made from his clutches was made far too quickly for his revenge to be satiated. And his gaze still lingered with challenge. You took a tiny testing step towards him.

When he surged up to grab you midway, you shrieked again and easily dodged. Ruben gave you a look that screamed you were just delating the inevitable. You gave him one right back that said catch me if you can.

He might’ve been fast, but you had home court advantage. You easily weaved around your furniture to the kitchen. In the corner of the furthest end of the island, you gauged his stalking as he did the same.

“Ready to forfeit?” Ruben tested.

“I thought you liked to earn your wins.” You taunted before taking off again.

Your muscles fired up as you darted towards the bedroom. If you could make it under your covers, you’d at least have a few moments of extra protection from his treacherous digits. The neatly tucked duvet came into view and celebrations were imminent.

At the buzzer, he threw you onto the bed and launched an attack on your stomach. You tried to curl up, writhing and twisting your body in an attempt to fight off his fingers. It was to no avail, his hands had infiltrated beneath your shirt to tickle your bare skin.

Right as you were about to cry uncle, you heard your doorbell chime. That halted both of your actions. You sat up onto your elbows as he removed himself from your body. His brows raised as if to ask if you were expecting anyone.

You weren’t. If it was Aki, she wouldn’t have rung your bell since she knew the code. Though she could’ve been adhering to respecting your privacy had she heard you and Ruben scuffling from outside.

The bell rang again and you peeled yourself from the bed, straightening your shirt and shorts along the way to see who it was. You hoped it was her and not some disgruntled neighbor. Surely, you weren’t being that loud.

When you opened up, you took it back. You would much rather be staring down the barrel of aggravated eyes than the ones you met. It wasn’t as if you weren’t happy to see her, far from that, you were just stunned.

And truly in a pickle given the other visitor currently residing in your bedroom.

“Mom…” You regulated your breathing with a smile. “What are you doing here?!”

#ruben dias #ruben dias fic #ruben dias imagine #ruben dias x reader #ruben dias x you #being

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