#Moniton

[kira-anon-uwu]

Tubbo tries to get his god damn divorce

word count: who fucking knows

summary: no

~-~-~

"Tommy,just sign the fucking papers."

Tommy got on his knees, wailing at his beloved husband. "No, please! I'll change, I'll be a better man! What if Molly married you as well?"

"More marriage isn't going to fix the situation, just sign the divorce papers!"

"But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But-,", Tommy stuttered, wimpering, "But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But… Think of our children, Tubbo…"

He gestured to the corner, where James Marriott and Jack Manifold were sitting.

"Goo-goo ga-ga,", said James, in a very deep and monitone voice.

"Yeah, no, I'm not fucking doing this,", Tubbo sighed, in a very bitch-like manner, as he got up and left.

He decided to take a long walk, to clear his head and question how he got to this point, eventually getting his phone out and calling the only friend he had with experience in The Law.

Quackity waved as he answered, on facetime somehow despite Tubbo calling him on discord. "Hey man, what's up?"

"Hey, Big Q; do you know anything about divorce court?"

"Not a damn thing, I missed that class to watch a soap opera on stream. what'd you need?"

"Could you be my lawyer? I'm trying to get Tommy to divorce me, but he only wants to talk about kissing without tongue and balls."

"Yeah….. About that…….. I'm actually already his lawyer, so……….. Yeah sorry. Too bad you guys didn't have a pre-nup, bye!"

Tubbo sat there in incredibly shocked silence after the man hung up. Yes, sat; man decided to sit in the middle of the sidewalk to ponder where it all went wrong.

His phone pinged, and he saw a message from Quackity telling him that the 'consultation' he'd just gotten was going to cost him $1 million dollars.

Tubbo could afford that, he was a multi-millionaire and a Tory after all, but not having a lawyer on his side didn't leave him with many options. Well, he *did * have one…..

Murder was legal in the UK if the victim was Tommyinnit; the Queen had spoken it into law when she got her restraining order. May lizzie rest in peace, and all that

Tommy had invoked squatters rights in his efforts to 'save their marriage', and had refused to leave Tubbo's home at all times since every second was a second for him to be wooed. Tubbo had shoved him in the closet where he belonged, hence Tommy's lack of streams as of late, so it would be incredibly easy to murder him and claim his wealth.

More money to the hoard, since Tubbo was a rich Tory that disliked the poor. wow that rhymed, regular eminem in these parts.

Anyways Tubbo got home and committed a horrible, unspeakable crime that will not be spoken so he didn't have to put up with any more of tommyinnit's bullshit.

Dragging the corpse to court gave him an easy win, and a medal of honor for taking out one of the nations loudest people that kept up the corrupt politicians all night.

tubbo got the kids and money and married someone famous and hot. idk who pick some hot guy out of a movie that you'd ship with tubbo and that's his happy ending.

The end.

[scary-ivy]

Whenever I say things like "yay yay yay yippee wee ^_^ <3" I want you to picture a 40 year old man with dark hair and a chiseled jaw wearing a business suit saying these things in a semi-monitone voice

[winters-mistress]

Of theaters and knots

The moment the connection breaks, Ciri collapses onto thr ground. Her sticky palms do less than her wobbly forearms do to keep her from sprawling against the dusty stone floors. She gasps for air, her skin burning from the inside.

A large hand grasps at her shoulder, pulling her up so she sags upon her knees. Ciri's eyes slide closed, and she only now registers the ache in her knees and thighs after they slammed into the ground. She inhales sharply, shakily, images still flashing in her mind. Her body is slick with sweat, and she shivers with the cold.

"You should not have done that, witcher." a voice says. Ciri inhales shakily. Of course, Tissaia.

Geralt growls at the mage. His hands tighten around her.

"She was in hysterics." He hisses. "Did you not see the state she was in? After putting her into that godsforsaken trance, did you not think about what that would do to her?!"

"Calm yourself, witcher." Tissaia says. Her voice is even and calm, almost monitone. A far cry from the hatred falling from Geralt's lips. "If the girl was in any true danger, I would have stepped in. Breaking a connection that strong could have caused the girl vast consequences."

Geralt growls angrily.

Yennefer kneels towards Ciri, pushing her hair from her face.

"Are you alright?" her voice is quiet, very different from the furious witcher and Yennefer's own mentor.

Ciri sniffles, but manages to get her hands up from the dusty stone, pushing back onto her bent knees.

"I think so." her voice is just as shaky as she feels, and she turns her head from right to left to clear herself of the cobwebs, to rid herself of the images of the fire and the screams and the ice and the death.

"Can you stand up?'

"Yeah." she whispers. With Geralt's help, she manages to climb from the floor and to his side. Only for her knees to buckle and immediately start to sink.

"Woah!" All the adults -apart from the cool, calm, calculating, considering mage- say in unison, and Geralt's hands tighten around her body once again.

"Come on, sit." Yennefer says. She closes her eyes and whispers a few words, and a plush settee appears underneath Cirilla's behind, her knees sinking once again, this time without her command. "Magic." Yennefer grins at her, and a goblet of cold water appears in the Queen of Cintra's right hand.

The witcher places a hand on his wards shoulder again, and she blinks slowly.

"I suspected as much when I walked into this hovel." Tissaia begins. The witchera all around her begin to scoff, mutter or swear at her audacity, but she spares them no energy. "But with how strong our connection was, I believe it to be true. You are not like Yennefer, or myself. You do not need air, fire, water or land to conduct magic. You, Cirilla of Cintra, are a source. The purest vessel for magic, with the deepest grasp that even I cannot see the depths of."

The words seem to shock Yennefer, but everybody else in the room is baffled.

"And that means?"

"You're powerful, girl. With what your witcher has told me of your accent screams, how easily you master spells that even myself can struggle with, your visions and your blood, you are more powerful than any other. That means you must train that power, tame the storm within you to be able to take a drop of water instead of a tsunami. Your magic is entwined with your blood, your visisons another gift that is part of you, you must master it to see what you wish to see. Not what you do not. You must train, girl, train harder and longer than any other, because you are unlike any other."

Ciri sags in the chair.

"You make it sound so easy."

"She does?" Lambert guffaws.

He's ignored, and Vesemir smacks him upon the head.

"I will not risk an enchantress so powerful, take her within the lions den, right into the palm of those that want her blood. So I will not take her with us to Aretuza, it is not as calm there as it was before Sodden. Instead, Yennefer and I will return to your-" she looks around. "-abode. And will begin to train the girl in her magical ability. And we will say nothing of her continued life or location. The fate of the continent may depend on it."

Tissaia steps back. "You will rest long tonight, girl. You'll need your energy on the morrow."

And then, the two mages are sucked away by a portal.

Ciri huffs, her head falling backwards.

"Ah, fuck." Geralt says.

[vigilxnte]

Daryl Dixon x !Reader

Always be your's

You and daryl face a heated argument as you try to leave the group, without hesitation daryl tries to stop you and you give him one last thing before you leave

⚠️Smut, Fluff, blowjob, dirty talk⚠️

800 words approx.

Up for suggestions guys, feel free to message me if you have any ideas for another quick story. Enjoy x

"Where do you think you're going?" Daryl shouted at me, in his raspy, monitone voice. I turned my head to face the man. I stared at him for a few seconds, looking him deep in his eyes. His eyes furrowed with disappointment when I had nothing to respond. I let him down once again. "I'm sorry dixon, I need to leave, I need to do this for me. You are more than welcome to join me" he usually understands me, but now? I don't know. "Rick got into your head again, didn't he" I interigated him, looking down at my feet in disappointment, knowing the answer to my question, knowing he would never chose me over rick.

"Ye, I understand. But I made a promis-" I interrupted him immediately "you promised me!" I let him stir with his thoughts for a few seconds "you promised me I'd be yours forever!" Tears filled my eyes as walkers began hitting the side of the wall. I turned away from him, i couldnt bare the dispair in his face. I heard his footsteps shuffle towards me, placing his hand on my shoulders to spin me to face him. "I'll always be yours" he spoke softly, lifting my chin. My stomach turned as my eyes met his again. I felt myself dive in, gasping for air as he pulled me closer to his. I closed my eyes letting the tears drip, and follow my facade. He licked his lower lip before closing the gap to meet mine. My mouth exploded with gluttony, making me want more. I felt his tongue search for an entrance, making me moan quietly, Allowing his tongue to play against mine. I felt his hand run up my neck, making me shudder with passion. Growing with lust, i felt hand began mingling with my hair, grabbing as much as he could, as his kissing became much more meaningful, much more passionate. Before I could think he broke away, leaving me wanting more. Much. More.

"I want you" before he could say more, I instinctly began kissing at his neck, hearing him letting out small whimpered moans. I found my hand following his torso until I reach inside his trousers. Filling my hand with his soft cock. I looked at him and smirked as I saw his jaw dropped and his eyes sealed shut, increasing the depth of each of his breaths. With each slow rub I presented his needing cock, I felt him grow within my grip. His breaths became more rapid as he reach his full potential, an impressive amount of potential for that matter. I stopped even though I knew he wanted more. Dropping to my knees I reached for his zipper, and unbuttoned his trousers. To my surprise, he was walking comando. I look back at him to see him gazing down at me with a smirk wrapped around his face. Letting out this man's length, I felt as it hit against my cheek. His pants now round his ankles I could get to work.

Grabbing him by the balls, i began Licking the tip of his cock. I felt his body shiver as I wrapped my tounge around the head of his cock, swirling it in a slow circular motion, making him moan as it travelled around with each rotation. "You like that don't you dixon" I teased as he gave a small nod of pleasure, to the best of his ability. Giving him more, I used the width of my tongue to give what the rest of his cock it needed, running my tounge down his length. I could tell this was the first time in ages he had been touched like this, and damn he needed it. After several lengths I gave him what he really wanted. I took his cock by the base and wrap my lips around his sensitive head, using my tongue against his tip. I feel his body shake with anticipation as i Slowly force as much of his cock I can fit down my tight throat until I gag. He starts moaning louder at the sound of my pain, causing the walkers to bang louder against the wall. I feel his hand once again on the back of my head urging me into a rythem that makes him feel good.

Minutes go by until he finally moans out "Fuck, I'm so close", looking down at me taking his cock whole. I Bob my head faster and faster, rubbing his balls in between my fingers. I listen to his breath becomes even more rapid and deep until finally I feel his warm thick cum shoot to the back of throat. I swallow every drop. Once he's done i take his cock from my mouth. I hear him moan and whimper as he thrust his dick to the back of my throat one last time. Out of breath, and unsteady, he reaches for his trousers. Pulling them up and looking at me once again.

"You're too fucking good, you dirty little slut" grinning at me, as he pulls me in for one last kiss.

"Let's get out of here" I whisper into his ear, one last time before its just me and him. Just like it was supposed to be

[tree-tpot]

Tree, Seriously, CALM, down.

Okay, forever monitone.

[ruvastuon]

Unwanted Summons

***Chrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiissssssssss***

Margaret struggled to open her eyes, let alone lift her head from the countertop. She'd somehow managed to make it out of the shower and to the kitchen without killing herself, a miracle in and of itself.

Still, deep down, she had hoped to at least be semi-finctional before interacting with anyone from work today, but with the coffee machine still sputtering away, it seemed that she had used all of her luck safely reaching her current resting place.

They could just hang up? Sometimes, they did when trying to call her before she came in.

***Chrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiissssssssss***

...

***Chrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiisssssssssss****

*Tsk*

Looking towards her clock, Margeret frowned. It was only ten forty-eight. Why was he calling her so early?

"Hello."

Without the jumpstart from her usual dose of caffeine, her tolerance was about as presant as her father, but John knew the risk of calling her when she wasn't on the clock.

"Is this Mrs. Margret Moore?"

Straitening into an upright position in an instant, her mind began to run wild after registering that she didn't recognize the monitone voice.

"What do you want?"

Pacing over to the dripping machine, Margaret poured as much as was ready into her mug and shoved the pot vaguely back in place to fill more.

While the voice may have been enough to temporarily scare her awake, that rush would only take her so far. She'd learned her lesson the last time she had fallen asleep on the phone, and it was still too fresh in her mind for her to repeat.

"You are to report to Station Seventeen within the next hour to identify one John Moore. If you do not comply, an officer will be deployed to escort you to the station in accordance with the compliance act."

Margaret opened her mouth to respond when the call was unceremoniously cut off.

"Blast it."

Station Seventeen was fifty minutes away from her apartment, but with traffic picking up soon, it was a toss-up if she could make it before they sent someone to get her.

Pocketing her phone, Margaret made a dash for her car, still holding the mug firmly in her other hand.

[ofcloudsandstars]

the way this mild winter is making me feel is like, having an all nighter and seeing the dawn approaching. Like I hardly hibernated. This is the shortest winter of my life. It didn’t even feel that dark. It hardly got that cold. This is so unnatural lol. Where is my blizzard?? I don’t know if I like this. Winter always feels like the longest part of the year but here its like just chilly, halfass and wack. I feel bad for all those years I dissed winter and pleaded for spring. I was wrong!!

[insaneinspireddreamer]

I just noticed that the minute monel came on screen I instinctively pulled out my phone and blocked him out, and that just about sums up how I feel about his screen presence

[royalgaysworld]

mutual attraction

bonus:

[drunk-on-inejs-laughter]

GIDEON PROPOSED GIDEON PROPOSED GIDEON PROPOSED I REPEAT

THEY KISSED *MONITONE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*

"Please forgive me, my dead Mr. Lightwood—I mean Gideon—but I must go and murder the cook. I shall be directly back*

please I love them your honour

my dEaD

gideon and sophie >>>

i love them sofhsksh

[endless-vall]

I can’t lose you again - Part III - You’re not alone - Dakota x MC fanfic

Summary: Alex finally has the surgery. Will she wake up still seeing Dakota or will he be gone from her life, again?

Author’s note: You can read the previous parts here, and here.

This is the last one. Hope you liked it!

It definitely more on the bittersweet note, but I like how it turned out. Happy/Sad ending, depending how you look at it. Enjoy!

“I’m glad you came to your senses.” Lennox folded her hands over her chest the next morning. “I was about to claim insanity and force them to give you the surgery.” Alex doesn’t know if Lennox is joking or not, but either way she already signed the papers so it didn’t matter.

“Yeah, me too.” She smiled at Lennox, but the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.

It’s not like Alex wasn’t content with her desicion. She knew what she had to do.

She made peace with it. But it didn’t make it any easier, though.

“They’re preping you for surgery soon, so we couldn’t really bring anything, but after you’ll get out of there we’ll be having a celebration! Chocolate pudding and all. And not the cafeteria-kind.” Mateo winked at her.

“Not the cafeteria-kind? What do you mean?!” Alex gasped, followed by a chuckle.

“Nah, the cafeteria-kind is nice and all, but I’m talking the fancy, restaurant-kind. Only the best for you.” Mateo made a little show of bowing to Alex, sending the three into a burst of laughter.

“You never brought me the fancy kind!” Lennox protested.

“I was a kid back then! And also had cancer. Go easy on me, Lenn...” Mateo defended his honour.

Lennox rolled her eyes, but kept smiling. “I’m giving you a free pass this time, and this time only.” 

And suddenly, surrounded by her friends, Alex didn’t feel so conflicted anymore. So lonely.

She felt like she was home.

And if she wanted to stay there, she needed to fight.

“Sorry to interuptt.” A nurse pipped into the room. “But I have to take Alex away for a while.” She entered.

“Of course, of course. We won’t get in your way.” 

Alex watched as she was rolled away on her bed out of her room. Mateo and Lennox watching her go. Hopeful smiles on their faces, laced with concern.

Another face didn’t leave her side. He was walking along with her.

She’d hold his hand if she could...

Alex felt ready.

Goodbye... Dakota.

She’s not sure if she’d said that out loud or not, but she couldn’t bring herself to care either way.

As the nurse shaves her head off in the right place for the surgery, Alex watches herself in the mirror.

“Could you... Could you shave all of it off? I know it’ll take more time but... We still have some time, right?”

The nurse blinks at her, her expression unreadable. “Sure,” She nods, and proceeds to shave all of it off.

Alex watches as her golden locks fall on the ground, a memory floating to mind. She looks at herself in the mirror. She’s much older now, undoubtly, but she can’t help but remembering how she shaved Dakota’s hair off, and then her own in solidarity. And how happy it made him. How loved he felt in that moment.

“Thank you.” Alex whispered.

They start the surgery. She’s having it awake, to make sure they’re not damaging anything while operating on her.

The anesthesiologist finishes his part, making sure she can’t feel anything. “She’s ready.” He steps back.

Dr. Emery steps into view.

“Are you ready, Alex?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

And they start.

Most of the surgery passes peacefully. Dr. Emery operates on her while another intern keeps asking Alex question and stimulating her brain.

“And what do you see in this photo?” He presses a button and a photo changes on the screen in front of Alex.

It’s clearly a photo of bird. A beautiful bird, too. Blue, and majestic.

“Alex?” He asks her again. She hears Dr. Emery shuffling, and then stopping in her tracks.

“Can you tell us what do you see on the screen, Alex?” Harper asks, this time. Her voice a little higher than usually.

“I-It’s a.... a.... bb--b” But suddenly, she can’t. “B...”

Suddenly, something changes on the moniton. Alex can’t feel anything, but she definitely hear it. 

“Dammit! Suction!” Dr. Emery hisses.

“Dr. Brown! Anesthetize her! We’re closing her up!” Is the last thing Alex hears before everything turns black....

Alex isn’t sure how much passes, or where she is, for that matter, until she wakes up.

Slowly, but surely, she opens her eyes. She laying on a bed, a hospital bed. Everything’s so white and bright, she can barely make out anyone standing next to her.

After blinking a few times, she finally sucseeds in focusing on the figure.

Dakota...

Of course it’s him.

They had to close her up early. The surgery must’ve failed...

“Dakota...” She somehow finds her voice again. “The surgery... Didn’t work... Did it?” She frowns.

Dakota shakes his head. Something about the sadness in his eyes feels so real.

“So they didn’t get to tumor out?” She was mostly talking to herself, rather than to her hallucantion. But, in a way, talking to Dakota was like talking to herself, anyway.

“No, Alex...” His voice rang in her ears. She heard him just before going into surgery, but hearing him now felt like the best sound she’s heard in a long time. Like music to her ears. “I’m sorry...” 

“What do you mean? They’ll just have to go in again...” She knew the drill. It’s either going in again, or, if it’s too dangerous they’ll start with chemo to reduce the tumor and then go in again... There were still ways to fight...

Alex’s train of thought trailed off when she focused on Dakota’s expression. She almost raised her hand to caress his face. He looked just like her Dakota. But she knew her hands will fall right through him.

He looked so much like her Dakota. Like the last fifteen years didn’t cloud her memory one bit. Like he hadn’t changed at all.

And he was looking at her, so lovingly, and so worriedly. Like never before.

“They won’t be doing that... I’m sorry, Alex. You... You died on the table.”

The realization finally downed on her.

This is why it felt so real. This is why everything felt so bright. This is why he looked nothing like he did in the past few months of her hallucinations.

He wasn’t a fragment of her imagination anymore.

This was... The real Dakota. Wasn’t it?

“Oh, Dakota,” Before she realized what she was doing, she was sobbing and throwing herself at him.

But this time, her hands didn’t fall through Dakota. No, he caught her. And she burried her face in his chest.

His arms circled around her, hugging her tightly. “It’s okay... You’re going to be okay...” He whispered sweetly in her ear. “I’m here, Alex. I’m here for you.”

“I wanted to fight...” The words leave her mouth before she knows it.

“I know,” He assures her.

“I didn’t give up...” She sobs.

Yes, there were times where she was ready to give up. Especially since she wanted to keep seeing Dakota. But eventually, she made peace and wanted to stay alive. For her friends, for her patients... For Dakota. For herself.

She lived a full life, but she still had so much ahead of her. She’d saved lives in her blossoming career, but there were so many more lives she could’ve made a difference in, given the chance.

And she wanted to fall in love again. 

“I know, Alex. I know. Sometimes... It’s just stronger than us.” He continued to rub her back in comforting motions.

She doesn’t know for how long she cries against him. But the familiar feeling of Dakota’s heartbeat finally calms her down.

And his scent envelopes her. He’s really there. With her.

He did watch over her, for all these years. And waited for her.

She gulps, and finally breaks the hug. She rises, just enough to look him in the eyes. To look at him, at Dakota. Her Dakota.

“You’re ready to go?” He asks her, his eyes just as puffy as hers.

She nodds, not saying another word.

They finally leave the hospital bed. Dakota offers her his arm and she laces their fingers together.

They make their way out of Edenbrook, hand in hand.

When they finally exit the building, Alex notices her reflection in the hospital’s glass doors.

A giggle escapes her lips, uncontrolablly. She’s eighteen again. And so is Dakota. And her hair is back. So is his...

“We can continue from where we left off.” Alex turns to him, her smile bright.

“Yes, I’d very much like that.”

“Then what are we waiting for?”

[orionlancasterr]

THINKING ANLUT THE WEIRD MONITONE VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND KF MAMA SOMETIMES SPECIFIC DURING “I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER SON”

[neoprnsforyou]

Could you make some pronouns based off of Squidward Tentacles from the show Spongebob Squarepants? Thank you

hey ! no problem, here ya go:

physical / basic

squidward -> squid / ward / (squid)wards / (squid)wards / squidwardself OR squi / squid / wards / wards / squidwardself OR squidward / squidward / squidwards / squidwards / squidwardself

tentacles -> ten / tac / les / les / tentaclesself OR tenta / cles / tentacles’ / tentacles’ / tentaclesself OR tentacles / tentacles / tetacles’ / tentacles’ / tentaclesself

octopus -> octo / pus / (octo)pus’ / (octo)pus’ / octopusself OR oc / to / pus’ / pus’ / octopusself OR o / oct / os / os / octopusself OR octopus / octopus / octopus’ / octopus’ / octopusself

turquoise (his color) -> tur / quoise / (tur)quoises / (tur)quoises / turquoiseself OR tu / tur / quoises / quoises / turquoiseself OR turquoise / turquoise / turquoises / turquoises / turquoiseself

cashier -> cash / ier / (cash)iers / (cash)iers / cashierself OR ca / cash / iers / iers / cashierself OR cashier / cashier / cashiers / cashiers / cashierself

polo (he wears a brown polo shirt for most episodes) -> po / lo / (po)los / (po)los / poloself OR po / polo / polos / polos / poloself OR p / po / los / los / poloself OR polo / polo / polos / polos / poloself

clarinet (the instrument he plays) -> cla / rin / ets / ets / clarinetself OR clar / net / (clari)nets / (clari)nets / clarinetself OR clarinet / clarinet / clarinets / clarinets / clarinetself

snellie (the name of his pet snail) -> sne / snel / lies / lies / snellieself OR snel / lie / (snel)lies / (snel)lies / snellieself OR snellie / snellie / snellies / snellies / snelliself

personality

cynical -> cy / nic / als / als / cynicalself OR cy / cyn / icals / icals / cynicalself OR cynical / cynical / cynicals / cynicals / cynicalself

grumpy -> gru / grum / pys / pys / grumpyself OR grum / py / (grum)pys / (grum)pys / grumpyself OR grumpy / grumpy / grumpys / grumpys / grumpyself

monotone -> mono / tone / (mono)tones / (mono)tones / monotoneself OR mo / mon / (o)tones / (o)tones / monotoneself OR mo / no / tones / tones / monotoneself OR monotone / monotone / monotones / monitones / monotoneself

these r all just suggestions and if you want to change one go ahead! pronounciations are based on the way the original word is spoken. if you have a question about how i would pronounce it, feel free to ask in the notes or go ahead and say it however makes sense to you :)

[umbylievable]

Actually you know what it would make perfect sense if people saw Bruce Wayne as being anti-cop and anti-batman. He should be pouring money into mental health services, orphanages, halfway houses, social programs. He should be issuing damning public statements about police brutality and how increased policing hasn't decreased the crime in Gotham, how "broken windows" policing has seemed to do nothing other than agitate people with no criminal records into more desperate acts, including perhaps putting on a stupid costume and following around obvious malcontents like the Joker and the Penguin just to get cops off the streets.

Commissioner Gordon blasts Bruce Wayne in the papers, calling him a stupid rich boy, commenting that he's still a fearful little orphan boy more concerned with getting guns off the streets than focusing on jailing the types of people who used them against his parents.

Bruce Wayne calls Gordon a warmonger, an overpaid bully trying to strip rehabilitative services from Arkham in favor of capital punishment. He points to Harvey Bullock, who has dozens and dozens of civil complaints for abuses of power and police brutality, and yet remains on the force without a single suspension. Quipping, "and why? Because Commissioner Gordon thinks he's brave. Because Bullock will charge his men into the depths of Poison Ivy's lair without waiting for backup? How many rookies has he gotten killed? I wasn't aware Gotham Police Department was in the habit of rewarding stupidity. Is it a prerequisite for making detective or just a bonus, Mr. Commissioner?"

Some time when they're staking out a suspected Falcone hideout as the Commissioner and Batman, Jim turns to Bruce and says "that's a smart way to stop people from suspecting you're Batman, if a bit expensive and over the top." There's a pause. Batman deactivates the infrared sensors in his lenses and turns to look at him. Jim feels a slight chill.

"What are you referring to, exactly?" The cowled crusader rumbles, in that characteristic dark monitone that so frightens the villains of Gotham.

Gordon waves his hand in a noncommittal gesture. "You know. The whole...'acab' thing"

"is that what you think?"

The smallest hint of a smile tugs at the corners of Batman's mouth. He looks back at the building, re-entering surveillance mode. "That's not a ploy, Jim. You are all bastards"

Jim Gordon's mouth goes on a rather different journey, twisting into a deep frown. "That's not funny."

"Do I look like a clown to you?"

"now THAT really wasn't funny"

"commissioner, I'm not as complex as you seem to be giving me credit. I don't like the police. They capture people to punish them for their crimes. But what have you done to prevent them? What amount of head-busting corrupt baton policing has made Gotham safer? What have you done to end the economic and social conditions in Gotham that cause crime to be so prevalant, and so violent? Nothing."

"well that's the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it? What has the Batman done for that? Fat nothing"

"that's why Bruce Wayne does it. Because Batman doesn't have that kind of power."

"so then why bother? Why do the Batman thing in the first place? Why run around in the tight outfits getting half-killed every night?"

"part of it is that I know if I catch the bad guys first they'll go to get help instead of to a morgue"

"part of it, huh? Then what's the rest?"

A movement inside the building catches Batman's eye. He stands up straight and steps back from the ledge of building. No getting around it. He doesn't have the height to land on the roof and make a subtle entrance to the skylight. If he tries his grapple gun he'll be seen, and lose the element of surprise. Through the window it is. He hates going through the windows.

He positions himself for a running start. "the rest, Jim, is hubris"

"hubris?"

"I like showing you up, James." and with that he takes his leap, wings outspread, gliding to that far window and going through the glass with a loud crash.

[what-if-dolphins-had-legs]

deep breath in. okay so story time; for two years of high school i was taught by a Nazi

okay ssooo i had this really weird yet oddly entertaining teacher for two years, he was my history teacher but he was like....always really weird towards woman right? not like awkward but just... got ticked off at the smallest things that my friend did (not me as much, cause i was a super big goody goody who would cry when i got in trouble) but same with all the other girls, while the boys were absolutely awwwwful in the class, but like this group of kids would be fucking around and then get in trouble, but the only ones that ever got in trouble were the girls and colored kids and i was like uhm bro????? but then two years later this fucker gets fired because he had this discord group with a bunch if other GROWN FUCKING ADULTS about him saying racist sexsist and homophobic shit constantlyyy. and it was fucking tea and everyone was really fucking surprised cause he like?? seemed cool at the time??? but then flash forward to next year im going to this new school and i was talking to my teacher about it and i was like “hey do you happen to know who he is??” AND HE SAID YES but he was like i have no association with that man i simply just went to college with him, and then the rest of the class was like “wait..why did he get fired???” and then this bitch dfhbrejfbeldui my teacher just fucking s i g h e d and said in the most moniton voice e v e r “he was a nazi” AND I FUCKING LOST MY M I N D

anyway thats my story for today i was taught by a nazi for two years

[kth1]

Me: *talks*

Everyone: *accuses me that i have an attitude*

Me: I DON’T IT’S JUST MY MONITONE ASS SPEAKING?!