#My current relationship with my religion is complicated very personal and very hard to put into words and I'm not willing to talk about it

[tasmanianstripes]

Uh... You do realize that Muslims throw homosexuals off buildings right... And you are very ignorant that you don't know that there are gay Catholics.

1) How does that even relate to anything?

2) Where in that post did I ever mention that Catholics can't be LGBT+ or that all Catholics are bad people (which is what I think you're implying rn, but I could be wrong)?

The fact that the church - as in the institution, not your LGBT+-friendly small church down the road - literally indoctrinates people and instils guilt, shame and fear into them so that they don't question their beliefs has fuckall to do with an individual person's choice to be Catholic. There are tons of wonderful, kindhearted Catholics, there are allies and LGBT+ people who are Catholic, there are churches and ministries who are LGBT+ friendly, and I love them for it and it makes me very happy to see such people and communities exist, but it has NOTHING to do with what I was talking about!

The church as a whole, as an institution of power, indoctrinates people by instilling shame and guilt into them, by putting the fear of God and retribution into them, by feigning concern for you, and they're fuckin GREAT at it. Me stating this fact doesn't mean every single Catholic or church is a homophobic scumbag/shithole, I mean for goodness sake I literally mentioned how The Church™ cherry-picks the Bible and implied that true Catholicism doesn't support homophobic beliefs.

I mean, I was literally raised in this bullshit and experienced the kind of backlash you get for asking any sort of questions about your faith, I think I'd know a thing or two about the literal religion I was raised with! To call me ignorant about the existence if gay Catholics js especially laughable since I LITERALLY WAS ONE

[thestarkerisobvious]

The Thing That Lives Under The Bed

Peter was a lonely boy who made friends with the thing that lived under his bed.  In an effort to help that thing get OUT from under the bed, and what he did when that happened, changed the course of his life forever.

(art by the late @von--gelmini)

Now allow me to introduce:

(art by the incredible @mrstarksbaby​)

In which Peter and his High Priest confront ghosts, both figuratively and literally, and deal with the sins of the past.

Victims  - Chapter 2

Try To Remember

“Peter… Peter… oh Peter…”

Peter was a little startled to realize they were parked on the old road that used to go to the South House.  He was surprised how warm the night was.  But laying back on the hood of the truck, looking up at the sky full of stars, that was nice.  The hood of the truck was warm, and the night was pleasantly cool.  And Quentin looked relaxed, so Peter relaxed too.

The sky was so very, very full of stars.  It was a good night for stargazing.

At least, Quentin was stargazing.  Peter was Quentingazing.  It was so easy to

 forget how handsome Quentin was.  Peter shouldn’t have felt this relaxed, felt this safe, with the older man, but he did.  Maybe it was because, now, he was older too.  Maybe it was because he knew all of Quentin’s tricks, and, looking back on it, they weren’t much.  

And tonight felt so peaceful.  It was everything he wanted it to be.

And dammit, Quentin’s face was just so damn handsome.  Those eyes, the ones that had made Peter just feel helpless… well,  they didn’t make Peter feel helpless anymore, but you couldn’t deny it.  They were eyes to die for.  And that smile.  It wasn’t as handsome as Tony’s smile, but it was nice.

“What are you grinning at?”  Peter said when Quentin turned to look at him.  Peter turned his head away to actually look up at the stars, but didn’t pretend he hadn’t been looking at Quentin.  There was no point in pretending.

“I’m just remembering the time I took you out into the woods at night because I wanted to kiss you, and instead I wound up listening to a lecture on Gilgamesh…”

“It wasn’t a lecture…” Peter protested through his giggles.

“It was amazing!” Quentin insisted, laughing as well. “You explaining it to me - the fucking Epic of Gilgamesh.  And Enkidu, and Gilgamesh who is going to fall in love with him, but not yet because he’s currently a wild man, running around naked in the forest so Gilgamesh civilizes him by introducing him to a whore.  You were seventeen for godssake.  And there I was, parked with you on a dark road, hoping I was going to get lucky, and all I could do was look into those gorgeous brown eyes of your and listen to you explain Akkadian cultural mores…” He smiled fondly at the memory.  “It was crazy.”

“I was TRYING to say that YOUR religion said sex made you uncontrolled and animalistic and bad, but the Akkadians saw sex as the civilizing force.  The thing that made men WANT to control themselves, and fit in with society.  And don’t call Shamhat a whore, she was a prostitute, but that word isn’t… it wasn’t always a bad thing.”

“Just say ‘pejorative.’” Quentin said gently.  “Don’t dumb down your vocabulary for me.  You never did before.”  

“Oh god” Peter moaned, covering his face with both hands. He rubbed his eyes, rubbed his forehead, trying to wipe away the memory.  “I was always trying so hard to impress you.”

“I was impressed.”  Quentin said, turning over and propping himself on one elbow.  Peter turned his head and looked up into those mesmerizing eyes.  It was times like this when Peter remembered that that, in addition to his devilish good looks, Quentin’s eyes were startlingly blue.  How could his eyes be blue and yet so dark at the same time?

“We were parked on the side of the back road,” Quentin was saying softly, his mouth only a few inches away.  “And you were sitting within arms reach of me, just as bold as brass, telling me about Gilgamesh and Enkidu, the most epic male/male love story of all time, and I was thinking “This kid has more balls than I did at his age… more than I ever will.”

Peter couldn’t help but smile back.  Quentin’s smile had always been contagious.  

“But then you had to ruin it by bringing up girls…” he concluded with a smirk, laying back down to stare up at the stars.

“Me?!” Peter gaped, sputtering.  “Me?  Did the Reverend Quentin ‘How many girlfriends do you have this week Parker?’ Beck just accuse me of…”

But he laughed when he saw that Quentin was suppressing a laugh.  He lay back and looked up at the sky.

“Shamhat is an integral part of the story,” he said smirking, relishing the fact that he could make Quentin laugh.  “And excuse me?  Raise your hand if you used to dare me… if you used to double-dog dare me… to ask out a girl to a movie every freaking time I saw you…”

“I was feeling you out…” Quentin said quietly, sitting up again.  He reached to put one solid hand on Peter’s bicep.  “…before I felt you up.”

Peter was silent for a moment, looking up at that luscious mouth, so close to his own, when Quentin spoke again.

“Do you forgive me, Peter?”

Peter closed his eyes.  He didn’t want to talk about forgiveness, didn’t want to talk about what needed to be forgiven, and why.  Quentin’s hand was now stroking his chest, and he didn’t want to talk at all.

“Please… you don’t have to say yes.  You can say something else.  Anything at all.  As long as it’s the truth.  I just need to know.”

“I needed… information…” Peter said, without opening his eyes, trying to explain it as best he could.  “I had a boyfriend, but our relationship was… it wasn’t… it was good.  But it was  immature.  I found out that… I found that out.  And that wasn’t exactly the way I wanted to find out but… but I found out from you.  And it led us, to him and me, to... to have a conversation that I didn’t even know we needed to have. Because he was waiting for me to bring up and he’s the kind of guy that really could have waited forever… believe me, he really would have waited forever.  But we had to have that conversation because of you… and it… yeah.  It led to a lot of good things.  So I guess the answer is yes… I guess…

“And I still have him.  My boyfriend,” he said quickly as his eyes opened again and he found himself looking directly at Quentin’s mouth, now close enough to kiss.

“I have a fiancé in Albany,” Quentin joked.  “What difference does it make.”  Peter grinned.

They were inside the pickup cab now, and Peter was glad. When he had been 17, Quentin had made the first move, had kissed Peter BEFORE Peter had worked up the nerve to climb onto his lap.  And that was something Peter had always regretted.

He grinned as he climbed into Quentin’s lap now, stradling Quentin’s legs with his own.

“I always wanted to see your face when I did this,” Peter whispered, as he pulled Quentin’s head back by the hair, kissing him hard, just like in his dreams.

“Oh god kid,” Quentin panted when Peter let him come up for air.  “I nearly came in my pants when you did it the first time,” Quentin breathed against his mouth, and soon they weren’t speaking at all, kissing each other greedily as Quentin pulled him close with strong arms.  Now Peter’s erection was pressing firmly into Quentin’s chest, and that was just fine too.

“I love how hungry your hands feel,” Peter moaned as Quentin’s eager fingers dug into the meat of his ass.  He wasn’t entirely sure that sentence made sense, but he hoped Quentin got the idea.

He pulled away long enough to peel off his shirt, hoping there was enough moonlight to show off the body he was so proud of.

“Fuck,” was Quentin’s only comment, but that was enough. Soon he was biting his way across Peter’s shoulder and shamelessly grinding his hardon into Peter’s body, denim against denim.  Peter was just beginning to realize how complicated it was going to be, getting those tight jeans off in these tight confines, when Quentin hissed and tensed, his fingers suddenly biting into Peter’s biceps, his whole body going still.

Peter was overwhelmed, suddenly, with another memory. Hadn’t they made out in the woods behind the church, just like this?  And hadn’t Quentin tensed suddenly, his fingers digging into Peter’s arms, just like this?  And hadn’t Peter suddenly wondered if Quentin had been stung by a bee, or bitten by a snake? Because he seemed to suddenly be in pain…

…but this Quentin didn’t seem to be in pain at all. In fact he was relaxing completely, catching his breath, laying his head back with a goofy smile on his face.

“What… what?”  Peter asked, confused.  It couldn’t be… but it was.  He pressed himself into Quentin’s lap, but there was nothing there.  Quentin’s erection, that terrifying thing that had haunted his dreams for so long, was simply gone.

“Wait… you didn’t just…”

“You were so scared of it,” Quentin said with an easy smile. “All you had to do was wrap your hand around it for a few moments and it would have all been over.  You never had anything to be afraid of.”

“And the night of the lock-in at the church… you? Did you really… my god no wonder you turned off so suddenly.”

“I could have taken care of you too,” Quentin said, still grinning that goofy grin.  Tracing the length of Peter’s erection with his thumb.  “Boys your age get off so fast.  I could have done it right there and then without so much as undoing a button. But I didn’t.”

Peter looked into Quentin’s eyes, but he didn’t ask.

Quentin answered anyway.  “Because I’m a shitty person,” he said, reaching up to whisper it against Peter’s mouth.  “And shitty people do shitty things.”

“Yeah, and that’s the problem,” Peter said, reaching down and pulling Quentin’s hand away by the thumb.

“This has been nice, Reverend Beck, it really has. But Matty is my best friend… and a lot more than that now.  And you had him so messed up he was literally thinking of drowning himself in my lake. And that’s not okay.”

“I left, didn’t I?  Wasn’t that enough?”  Quentin whined, trying to pull his thumb out of Peter’s grasp.  “I left and I didn’t come back…”

“You didn’t have a choice.  Try to remember Reverend Beck… or did we forget our famous Nightfall Sermon? You left because they rode you out of town on a rail.  And if we hadn’t done that… it would have been a lot worse.  For you.  You made Matty blame himself, Quentin.  For what you did.  For all of it.  I don’t even know how… you just have a knack…”  

“It’s not hard kid,” Quentin said, looking him directly in the eye.  His gentle tone was gone, but his thumb still remained in Peter’s grip, his hand hanging just an inch from Peter’s body, in no hurry to move away.

“There’s no trick to it.  Everyone in the world, everyone on the planet, either blames themselves for everything, or else they blame themselves for nothing.  I always have a 50/50 shot.”

“You’re the kind of man who does a lot of damage, Quentin.”

“That’s why I traveled, Peter.  I turned down a lot of better jobs in bigger churches and I stayed on the road nine months out of the year.  It was less money, but staying in one place, I would have done TOO MUCH damage. As long as I kept moving, never going back to any place more than twice, it was different…”

“Damage is damage, Quentin, even if you spread it around.

“But you were okay…”

“Because I already had a boyfriend, because I wasn’t desperately lonely, isolated in this one-shitter town and thinking I was the only gay kid in New York, or even the entire world.  I was lucky enough to know better than that.  Because my boyfriend happened to be a 1600 year old demon who had lived in monastery where everyone was gay including some notable saints…”

A crash of thunder came from overhead, startling both of them.  They looked at each other in surprise.  The night had been dry… they had just been outside in it moments before…

The next clap of thunder made them wince, and Peter willingly moved out of Quentin’s lap as he grabbed his keys off the dashboard and tried to start the truck.  The thunder sounded less like a storm and more like a series of explosions.  It sounded as if lightning had hit several trees nearby, yet there had been no flashes of light.  In fact the night was pitch black.  They could barely see each other through the eerie lights of the dashboard.  

“No no no no no no…” Quentin was moaning, his voice rising in fear, desperately trying to jam his keys into the ignition, failing in his panic.  “And this is when the truck won’t start, oh god, oh god please not again…”

“Quentin, we’re okay.  It’s dark, but we’re not… we’re not un-safe.  I promise…”

And then the scratching started.

[brywrites]

Science and Faith

A/N: This one was written a while ago after listening to “Science & Faith” by the Script a few too many times. Reid and the Reader get into argument over her faith and his lack thereof, but maybe it’s not the idea of God he’s having such hard time believing in...

_________________________________________________________________

He hates it when they fight, and he hates the fact that he’s started this one. The last few weeks have put a strain on their relationship. Between his job and hers, they’re both constantly busy. She always seems to be wrapped up in a paper or a book, or working on some new project. Teaching, that’s what she wants to do. Teach philosophy, or maybe religion, as soon as she’s finished with her PhD. Reid should’ve known what he was getting into when they started dating, what it would mean to love someone who believed in things he didn’t understand. All too often they come to blows over God or science, over faith or evidence. It’s not that she doubts the science, she just doesn’t see why they can’t believe in both. For him, it’s just not that simple. He needs proof, he needs facts and statistics. Faith goes against his very nature.

“Y/N, none of that is real! There’s no reason to believe any of it. Souls, an afterlife, God? There’s no proof, therefore you can’t say it’s real.” Reid know he should let it go, but lately he just keeps pushing and pushing, pressing at the edges of their relationship, forcing her to stare into the darker parts of the universe.

Her answer comes easily. “There is proof. It’s called love. Once in my theology class, we had a whole discussion about God, but we couldn’t use that name. We had to say love instead.  And it made so much sense. I think that most pure evidence we have is that feeling of love. We can’t explain it, we just feel it. The fact that we can love and be loved so unconditionally is proof that we’re loved by God.”

“That’s ridiculous,” he mutters. “Love is a biological and chemical reaction influenced by psychology, evolution, and neurotransmitters. Our childhoods shape our attachments, we choose mates based on what makes the most sense biologically, and even then people end up alone. So what are you saying then? That they’re not loved by this omnipresent being? Love is a sensation that exists only in our minds, and God is just a story humans make up to add meaning to their lives.”

His voice is getting louder, less controlled, but he can’t seem to stop. They stand on such different sides of this debate, and he doubts they’ll ever find a common ground. The solution is simple, really. Force her away, force her to find someone who sees what she sees, someone who won’t break her heart or steal her faith. “There is no God. Why do you care so much about why we’re here or whether there’s something beyond this? It’s naïve to believe in something like that. In God, in true love. It’s not real. It’s just a fairy tale, a myth.”

Faith is impossible for him to grasp, full of too many holes for his liking. How can he trust that this is going to work, that this is right, that anything is going to be okay? If he puts his faith in love, he’ll only be let down. But if he ends things first, he’ll never have to wait for that to happen. Spencer Reid is a profiler, all he has to do is find the words that hit the hardest, and administer the blows with a clinical efficiency. A few well-aimed taunts, and she’ll leave him behind. Easy.

When she opens her mouth he expects an angry retort, but her voice is surprisingly calm. “You can’t profile love, Spencer.” Y/N speaks as though she is an expert, and in silence he waits for her to continue. “I know you, how much you want the world to make sense. You need facts and statistics, but you can’t break everything down to chemicals and behavior. People are complicated, and the universe is big, and not every question has an answer.”

But he needs answers. Not knowing, it eats away at him, doubt and fear filling the spaces where certainty once resided. She’s right though, not everything has an answer, and that’s why this is so hard for him. Love is complicated and messy, and there’s no way to know for sure if it’s going to last. There are too many possible outcomes, and an overwhelming majority have the potential to be sad. If he pushes her away first, she can’t hurt him. At least, that’s what he tells himself. To even imagine his life without Y/N is devastatingly painful, though Reid tries not to admit that to himself. To care about something – or someone – is to accept the possibility that what you love will hurt you.

“All these things you have faith in, they aren’t real! There’s no such thing as God, and true love only exists in fairy tales. In stories meant for children. How could you be so naïve?”

Her eyes are like ice as she glares up at him. “How can you say that? Why do you have such a problem with me believing in anything? I want to believe that what we do in this life means something more, I don’t see how that’s a bad thing! And I want to believe we don’t have to live our lives alone – I want to believe in love, and in us, and in you! Just because people are complicated doesn’t mean you can’t trust them!”

“Of course people are complicated!” cries Reid. “That’s the whole point. People lie and they cheat and they change their minds all the damn time. For all I know, you could wake up tomorrow and decide you don’t love me anymore!”

The frustration vanishes from her face like smoke in the wind. When she raises her hand, he flinches, expecting a slap to come. It doesn’t. Instead she caresses his cheek, looking at him with something that he can only identify as love. “That’s what this is about?” she asks, hardly needing the clarification he gives when he averts his gaze. “You’re afraid I’m going to leave?”

The question combined with the genuine surprise in her voice leaves him with a feeling of shame. The trouble was that she was right. It’s absolutely what this was about. In all his years, he’s had faith in very little. He relies on evidence and theories and facts to lead him to the truth, to trust was too often to be disappointed. “In my experience, people always leave. No matter how many times they say they won’t. It makes it hard to believe in anybody after a while.”

“I’m not going to lie to you, and I’m not going to abandon you. Spencer, even if you don’t believe in us, I do. I always will. And I will always believe in you. That’s what love is. You can’t explain it, you just feel it. What I feel for you, it’s absolutely real.” Her hands are warm when they wrap around his own, and she’s surprisingly steady despite the things he’s said. How does one come to possess that sort of strength? If he hasn’t ruined things yet, maybe she’ll tell him someday. Does that sort of resolve come from loving someone that deeply, from believing in things beyond what science can explain? “Don’t you feel the same way?” inquires Y/N.

Asking himself that same question, he finds that the response is ingrained on his heart, waiting for him to accept it the same way he would accept scientific reports, or an in-depth profile, or Carl Sagan’s theories. “I do. But I’m not used to this sort of thing. It’s like speaking a foreign language, and it feels so fleeting. Some sort of impossible dream, and I’m afraid it’s going to slip through my fingers someday.” His voice falls quiet as he whisperers what he fears the most to her. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Y/N takes their hands and holds them up in front of him. Currently she holds his them the way one does when providing reassurance or comfort, four of her fingers placed between his thumb and index finger. Interlocking, secure. Now she lets go, for only a split second, in order to reposition the pattern of her grip. Using the tips of her fingers, she splays his wide like a fan, palm to palm. Then a slight shift, and laces her fingers in the spaces between his own, each digit finding its own place. Reid gives himself permission to grasp her hands a little tighter, holding on to whatever it is they share, this inexplicable emotion they feel. It lives between them, so palpable he sometimes thinks he could touch it, wonders if it is contagious when he feels that fluttering sensation in his stomach.

“I’m right here,” she murmurs. “You’re not going to lose me. If you have a hard time believing in things, that’s okay. We can work on it together. I’ll have enough faith for the both of us. I’m not asking you to believe in God, I just want you to believe that what we have is something special.”

In that moment, there’s nothing he wants more. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Y/N. I don’t think what you believe is silly. You have no idea how much I admire for that. I’m just so afraid of something happening.”

“I know.”

“Because… you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he says. Every day she challenges him, and every day she changes him. Reid can hardly remember a time in his life when he laughed so much, when he felt so at home in his own skin. With her, he wants to be a better person. For her, he wants to be better.

“And I love you more than anything. You can always bet on that,” she whispers. Their lips meet, and he swears he sees stars when he kisses her. He can only hope that their love is like the universe: no edge, constantly expanding and evolving. And one day, perhaps he will feel as sure of their relationship as he is about gravity.

Love, it is a rush of chemicals that can be biologically rationalized. But where does it come from? It’s more than just a reaction, it’s something felt deep in the soul. They are puzzle pieces of science and faith, and somehow they fit together perfectly, drawn together like opposite ends of a magnet. Just two inhabitants of a vastly complicated world, looking for meaning, for something to believe in.

Maybe, just maybe, he’s found it in Y/N.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #433

“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”

Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.

[lady-plantagenet]

Ship bingo: Anne Boleyn & Henry VIII (I know, I'm not the most original person in this site); and Eleanor Cobham & Humphrey of Gloucester

Hey hey sorry for answering this shipbingo so late hh. Hope you’ll still be interested in my odd and headcanon-y analyses. Since you requested 2 I will write shorter comments if ur ok with that :) x

Anne Boleyn & Henry VIII

‘I broke England from the Church yeah I really am that secksy’ or something along the lines is said by Anne’s character in Six: The Musical. I sorta resent that. I’m not very passionate about this ship nor do I take any ‘sides’, but I must admit I’m more partial to Catherine of Aragon and consider her to be Henry’s true love. The odd thing is, this is also cause a part of my feels like Anne was in some ways to good/evolved for him?? We all know the whole seductress Anne trope or poor set-up pawn Anne, we don’t know which are true but one thing we know for sure is that there was ‘pious outspoken religious reformer Anne’ and that’s what I am more interested in. My admiration grew 1000x when I realised she was heavily critical with where the desolution of the monastery funds were going - how they enriched ministers and lackeys of Henry as opposed to going towards schools. I say all this because my mental Anne Boleyn might be a bit different from most people’s and that will influence how I also see this ship.

I guess the above paragraph explains the ‘I’m picky about it part’, I hate anything that is major baby drama. Delicious and intrigued are oddly left out because I don’t really feel that myself though I understand why others would. It is perhaps because it’s such an overportrayed relationship and because by the time it became a thing Henry was already kind of obese I believe. Sue me, I like both my ship parties to be attractive XD. I would read fic for it just like I would read anything provided it is well written enough. I’m currently reading ‘Chained in War and Love’ by Lady Perserverence on AO3 (you know that one really famous fic in the Tudor fandom) which I suppose counts but since it’s a Francois I of France/Anne Boleyn AU I guess it doesn’t count (and I much prefer this pairing). This ship is one of those historical pairings where it’s hard to deny it was not romantic and sexual, one must remember that there must have been something about Anne in particular that attracted Henry and her educational background was unusually worldly for a woman of minor English nobility, given the fact that she could very well have been 32 (and age which is considered old for motherhood even by our times) by the time she married Henry simply put there must have been a romantic/sexual attraction beyond just her being fertile. She, herself, may have also had reason to feel attracted to him (despite his fatness) because he appears to have exuded the character of a Renaissance Prince which I feel she could have been drawn towards.

To be honest the ‘it’s complicated and unhealthily’ kind of speak for themselves. I feel like a part of the breakdown went beyond her not being able to hear a son because he does not seem to have properly tried like he did with Catherine of Aragon - the marriage was only three years long. I also feel like he was a bit too set in the past for her and she may have felt disillusioned with how he carried out the reformation. I also feel like Henry thought he would find a woman with Catherine’s brand of strength but with an ability to bear children, but despite both women having education in common Anne’s Protestant beliefs made her someone entirely different. Their feelings were strong but they clearly were not made for each other. With that said, theology fasincates me so to an extent I am more interested in the consequences (the reformation and how it changed the fabric of England) then even the ship itself - that is not to say the ship doesn’t interest me. And yes. I could/want to be convinced that this ship is interesting but if anyone wants me to get on board you will have to first throw off ‘seductress Anne’ or ‘poor maligned pawn Anne’. Only mercurial Henry and reformer Anne will do for me. With that said, I really wouldn’t mind the unrequited love trope thrown in there but with Anne accepting him only because Cromwell and co convince her that this is the only way England’s religion can change. I also liked the ‘Anne of One Thousand Days’ spin where it’s unrequited on her side and then turns unrequited on Henry’s side. Now that’s super tragic and would grab my attention. Overall, I like Anne Boleyn but I don’t ship them because I don’t think they were compatible, I don’t like Henry and I hate how the reformation was carried out and how the knock-on effect was the death of the Tudor figures I care the most about: Cardinal Fisher, Thomas More and Margaret Pole.

Eleanor Cobham & Humphrey of Gloucester

I love ships where both figures were described as intelligent by their contemporaries because there’s also a meeting of minds there. It also gives this partners in crime vibes which I really like. This connects to my whole ’delicious’, ‘romantic’, ‘best friends’ and ‘I’m intrigued’. A lot of fun things could be done with this ship and so I would read fic for it but I remain unpicky (except for , you know, prose as per usual). As it happens I also already read fic for this pairing and unless you are her, I would recommend @nuingiliath who writes loads for this couple and is the resident shipper - I believe this is her OTP. On Ao3 she is ‘heartofstanding’ she has plenty of stuff both on her tumblr and on that site so just follow the tags. Also all I know about these guys is from her pretty much.

The thing is, Eleanor Cobham is like Jane Shore for me, she brings out very weird feelings because I am very traditionalist and boring and hate my infidelities and tend to have an aversion towards mistresses. However, like Jane Shore, Eleanor Cobham appears to have had some virtues and was more than a pretty face (apparently Jacobia herself was quite dull and that’s one of the things that turned Humphrey off her but I’m not sure if that’s hearsay). So just like that, I don’t get an ‘ugh’ feeling like I would with people interested in the Bourbon mistresses in the 18th century or such because I much feel like it wasn’t that physical. This is where ‘softly’ comes, the age difference makes me imagine Humphrey as having that dad-aura Idk (and btw no I’m not pleading daddy issues at all - I feel like it quite undermines this couple), his incredible level of learning further feading into this wise persona but obviously his skirmishes with the administration give me an impression of this grand daring man as well. He seemed the picture of true aristocracy and in all the way he falters from those expectations (eg lack of martial talent) I also like to see. As I said, Eleanor also being described as intelligent makes me feel that she was at his level and while I am satisfied that the necromancy charges were shams it does indicate that she was considered bright enough by her contemporaries in order for such charges to be levelled in the first place. While it is true that the whole affair was targeting Humphrey, I really feel like Eleanor herself possessed (or at least was perceived by others as possessing) a certain dangerousness and this course of action was pursued by their rivals in order to kill two birds with one stone. After all, we have seen how easy treason charges can be conjured against magnates who though not technically speaking guilty have acted against the wrong faction eg Clarence’s case. With that I also put ‘best friends��� because I feel like like all those traits derived from the facts I’ve been privy to point to the fact that the two were friends as well as in love and attracted to each other. They really give me a partners-in-crime vibe and I’m always all for that. Not to mention I’m also a sucker of one part of the ship dying (preferably the woman) with the other following not late after or at least never living a fulfilled life as a widow-widower. It’s cruel but I love my doomed couples. So yeah, I ship it, I really do. I also have a great admiration for Humphrey as I have a soft-heart for scholarly people, I also admire how he was not blindly loyal and quite brazen. It’s a personality that intrigues me.

[stormxblooded]

⤷ ( essie. gmt. 26. she/her. ) the courts offer bread and salt to cassandra seaworth, nee baratheon of house baratheon. many say that the twenty seven year old ruling lady of cape wrath is known to be determined and lively, though ill tongues whisper that she is stubborn and tempestuous. when her is uttered , one is reminded of a lone figure standing on the side of a cliff as waves crash below, dark eyes dancing with mirth, a sudden strike of lightening illuminating the sky, a discarded box of jewels left abandoned and untouched . may she be blessed and protected in this war of crowns. ( fc: sophie cookson )

Hi All !! I’m Essie, and I’m so excited to be writing with you all. Below the cut is some information on my little hell-raiser Cassandra, as well as wanted connections. I’m going to pop a plotting call on the D*scord when I get in, but if you would rather I messaged you here, please send me an IM! 

BASIC INFORMATION

Full Name: Cassandra Seaworth, Formerly Cassandra Baratheon before her marriage.  Nicknames: Cassie (a childhood nickname), Sandy (by her friends) Age: 27 Occupation: Ruling Lady of Cape Wrath (Formerly a lady of Storm’s End) Religion: Faith of the Seven Character Tropes: Dating What Daddy Hates, The Fashionista, Jerk With a Heart of Gold, Almighty Mom, Deadpan Snarker Character Inspiration: Ariel (The Little Mermaid), Princess Margaret (The Crown), Lydia Bennett (Pride and Prejudice), Molly Weasley (Harry Potter) Personality Type: ESFP Alignment: Chaotic Good Enneagram: Type 8 - The Challenger  Deadly Sin: Wrath Heavenly Virtue: Diligence

FAMILY

Spouse: Sir Seaworth, a landed knight and wanted connection, married for seven years  Sons: Devan Seaworth (aged 7), Steffon Seaworth (Aged 4) Daughters: Marya Seaworth (aged 4), Lucinda Seaworth (3 months) Father: Steffon Baratheon  Step-Mother: Araela Baratheon Siblings: Katherynne Baratheon, Marina Baratheon, TBD Baratheons

BACKGROUND

tw for mentions of pregnancy and childbirth

Born a Baratheon, high expectations were placed on Cassandra almost from birth. A healthy pregnancy and a remarkably easy birth resulted in a sweet babe with a head full of dark hair. For the first few years of her life, Cassandra was a merry, happy-go-lucky child, though her natural inquisitiveness forced more attentive supervision than most. As she grew older, her penchant for trouble, cultivated by a stubborn refusal to do anything she didn’t want to do and determination to behave how she pleased, emerged in full force. 

Cassandra’s trouble making was a concern for the Baratheons, who hoped to make an advantageous marriage for their daughter. They worked hard to try and turn her into a respectable lady, to stop playing pranks on the servants, to bite her tongue and choke back the cheeky remarks she often spat. All attempts were fruitless, though, and all they could do was pray to The Seven that she would grow out of it. They had more success with her education. Whilst she had no skill at needlework or singing, deeming them a waste of her time, Cassandra was bright, and excelled in academics. She has a talent for numbers, able to do complicated sums in her mind, and a photographic memory, allowing her to recall the history of Westeros, a particular interest of hers, in great detail.

As she came of age, The Baratheons began to try and arrange a match for their daughter. By this time, her personality had developed into something far more forceful. Acid-tongued when she felt like it, and dryly sarcastic always, she seldom smiled. Despite this, the Baratheons were hopeful. Cassandra was beautiful and talented, a gifted dancer, and could, when she put her mind to it, be incredibly witty and charming. A number of noble houses were approached, with the Great Houses given precedence. 

Cassandra had no intentions of following through with her families plans. Aged 20, before any wedding could take place, she eloped with her current husband. The Seaworths were not lords, but landed knights, and the marriage was way below her station. However, she was deeply in love, and a few months pregnant, when they wed, and for her, there was no other option. 

Since her marriage, Cassandra has kept her distance from the Baratheons. She misses them, but the scandal of her actions still follows her, and for the love of her siblings, she stays away, visiting rarely. It pains her - she wants her children to know their aunt and uncles, but she also wants to protect them from feeling less-than. She’s a mother of four, now - her eldest, Devan, twins Steffon and Marya, and the newborn Lucinda, and is heavily involved in her children’s upbringing. She fed them at her own breast, even the twins, and carries out most of their education herself. 

Under her watch, Cape Wrath has grown prosperous in a way it never has been before. She’s proud of what she’s done, and feels that it vindicates her choices somewhat, but as much as she loves her life, she can’t help but feel a tinge of regret. She loves her family, and doesn’t regret giving up everything for love, but there are times where she wishes she could have given her children more.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

Former Betrothed: Before she married, Cassandra was engaged to this character. Her elopement effectively ended that. If not a Great House, this character would have to be from a house that is quite rich and powerful. At no point was there any love between them, and the marriage was entirely arranged by their families. There are two ways I can see this playing out. The first is that they were blindsided by her running away, and angry at the embarrassment it caused. For the second, the two of them have a good relationship and remain friends to this day. He was as against the match as she was, and actually helped her make her escape and wished her luck on the way. 

Childhood Friends: What it says on the tin tbh, childhood friends who grew up with Cassandra. Since her wedding, they may have drifted apart or intentionally decided to keep their distance due to the scandal it caused, resulting in a bit of an estrangement between the two, or else they may be a fierce defender of her choices. 

Enemies: Cassandra leans towards sarcasm, but at times can be harshly blunt and downright insulting. This character has been on the receiving end of her less pleasant personality traits, and the two clash madly and cannot stand each other. 

Trade Partners: Under Cassandra’s watch, the Seaworths have risen to prominence, using their skill at sailing to deliver goods all around Westeros. She has an extensive network of trade partners that she utilises to help build a legacy for her children. 

Misc. Friendships: I honestly just love all kinds of friendship connections! Especially F/F connections, competitive friends, unlikely friends where opposites attract, friends who don’t really like each other all that much but pretend they do while making little jibes at each other, or platonic M/F friendships would all be very much welcomed and adored! 

[lordeasriel]

I really care about your opinion, how do you feel about the bbc show and the way it's going?

I feel like before I give my take, I need to say that I understand the show is its own thing, and while I do wish they did a better job adapting certain things, I understand that sometimes there is a need for radical change or cut, especially when your budget is not super high (which HDM does have a lot of money into it, still is not a super big budget production, so they have to worry about these things). And I do enjoy many things about the show, but my overall vibe is mixed, to be honest. I’m stating this now because people often question whether I like the show or not, becaus I do criticise it a lot, and I simply have a critic view of the things I like, which is why I discuss them a lot and it can be overwhelming.

My main issues with the show are these 3 things: (which I’ll put under the cut because this got a bit longer than I wanted to lmao sorry)

Lack of worldbuilding and loose lore: I’ve been talking about this since day one, and this mostly applies to season 1 because I can’t judge season 2 yet because it’s not fully aired yet, but the show suffers from lack of worldbuilding, especially in Lyra’s world, which is the world that sets everything in motion. I still dislike the fact they introduced Will mid-NL, I don’t think he needed all those episodes to establish something that easily could’ve been done in S2 and because they gave TSK a lot of time, other parts of Lyra’s world suffered considerably, mainly the witches and the Magisterium.

The show doesn’t really expand on those two groups, especially, and I think that’s not good, especially the Magisterium (which they have over simplified by making it one big baddie, or so it seems at least, not to mention that implying a single leader for them practically ruins Marcel Delamare’s arc in TBOD and I’m very mad about that lmao). A lot of the Magisterium plot has that infighting aspect, which creates tension on their side as well as against their enemies, but the show doesn’t really explore that or the nuances of the Church, and they also don’t explore how varied the witches are, and I feel like this is a serious mistake. (The portrayal of the witches is by far my least favourite thing in the show, if I’m being honest).

Dull parallel world (and lack of daemons): this ties a bit with the worldbuilding aspect, but this is mainly about design choices. I think the show doesn’t make Lyra’s world as unique as it should be. On its own the world looks pretty and the outfits of most of the cast are great, but when you realise that Will’s world is intertwined with that, you don’t really feel like these two worlds are vastly different.

There is an odd situation in which Marisa’s fashion feels 30s/40s, but most of the men from her social circle (not fair to compare with the gyptians) just wear plain suits and they look much more modern. And while I get that they went for a timeless vibes, with different eras and styles, Lyra’s world feels like a caricature and it doesn’t feel believable. The colour palette is mostly the same for both worlds (even in s2, it’s hard to tell much of the difference because either the scenes are indoors or at night.) This, paired with the lack of daemons (which has been discussed many times in the fandom) kinda bums me out.

Marisa’s oversimplification: I’m mentioning Marisa, specifically, because she is the one that suffers the most due to this writing issues, but other characters like Lord Asriel, MacPhail, the general collective of the Witches, they all suffer from the writing trying to take away the nuances of them and make them flatter than in the book. Marisa is the worst because without her complexity and her flaws, she simply gets dull and boring and flavourless, and it’s kinda what has been happening in the show in my opinion. All she does is weep and she has no strength that doesn’t rely on a random fit of rage that dies out and she gets upset. There’s some great moments, like when she mimics the Monkey, but most of the time she’s just a shadow of who she is supposed to be.

The show tries really hard to make her a Scorned Mother - right from the get go, they try to makes us see how she wants Lyra, how she struggles with her “bad nature” and how that affects their relationship. There is this lingering implication that Lyra was taken from her against her wishes; they make it seem like being a mother to Lyra is her driving force, the only reason why she seeks power and influence. And that is the opposite of Book! Marisa, who is a force of nature, ruthless and ambitious, with not an ounce of maternal instinct.

She does eventually decide to help Lyra, instead of harming her, but even that action comes from a narcisistic place: Lyra is to her a possession, something that belongs to her, and that she wants to preserve. The show just handles her badly, falling into overused, boring tropes that struck far from the book version.

These are usually my main complaints about the show, and they upset me every episode to the point I’m practically ignoring them now lmao The show does a lot of good things too, making Will less of a prick, restoring Lyra’s personality from the first book into S2 Lyra (so far, please keep it that way), Mary is looking great too. They have mostly a great cast, and they did improve the daemons this season (except uh, there are far less daemons to show because of the other worlds - and the Ruta Skadi daemon change pisses me off tbh).

They do have a lot of interest in the show, but the writing (the main issue to me) feels clunky and childish, with the show toning down most of the themes that make His Dark Materials so special, especially to me (which frankly I expected them to do, but it still stings a bit). They make the Magisterium a single bad entity that feels more Authoritarian-Fascist, than a theocracy (even if they sneak in the religious symbols and rituals and garments, it’s just not a good portrayal, it’s very tame and shy); and they try to justify Marisa’s actions (especially in current interviews, there’s lots of talk about how her background will play in the show to “explain why she is the way she is”). The fact the Magisterium is portrayed as pure evil makes it looks less familiar than it should be, and therefore they don’t look scary, they seem like a caricature, a joke.

A lot of the essence of the characters get lost, and the core message of the story too, like when Iorek and the Gyptians tell Lyra she can be one of them, to support her lack of “proper family”, when that is the opposite of the books message. It doesn’t make sense for them to change that, other than maybe Jack Thorne wanted to because it makes the story feels less hopeless, but it’s why he fails to adapt these character - he doesn’t capture the essence, he tries to write these character with gaps in them.

However, the thing that annoys me the most is how they portray Asriel. It’s just... it’s bad. Really bad, which is a shame cause James is talented as fuck, but he had little time to film for season 1, and then they portrayed him very poorly. That scene when he addresses Roger in episode 7 is ridiculous, Asriel would never behave that way; there was relief in him finding Roger was there too, yes, but not to that extent and not in such a cringe way. Asriel is not deranged or irrational, he is a man on a mission, and Roger was a tool (there is no pleasure in Asriel taking his life and no excuses - it needed to be done and he did it); they just needed him to sound creepy in the show for whatever reason.

I hated how they handled the bridge scene for Asriel, Lyra and Marisa, but that’s long and complicated for me to explain here. In S2, there has been some mentions of him so far, including the implication he might have ruined Cittàgazze himself and I frankly don’t understand where did they get that idea. But the cherry on the top was Thorold telling Marisa that Asriel was gonna kill Lyra and that’s just-- that’s so dumb. That’s genuinely dumb writing, because Thorold knows Lyra followed Asriel to the mountain, and while I do believe Asriel would have killed Lyra if Roger wasn’t there, there is no way Thorold should know or consider that Asriel was gonna hurt Lyra, because Roger was there. In fact, Thorold’s interactions with Asriel in episode 8 already disprove this, so either Thorold was lying in S2 for the sake of, I don’t know, chaos or whatever, or the person who wrote this was a five-star, solid gold, fucking moron.

I’m not gonna mention the lost episode because that was no one’s fault, but the fact that they discarded an episode that all information we have on imply that it was important to set up the backstory of the angels and the city, it’s... concerning. It means they wrote something parallel that should’ve been woven into the season.

The truth is, I still watch the show on Sundays, and I still like some stuff they do (especially Mary’s stuff, so far), and despite me slandering the show per your request anon lol (cause unfortunately my honest opinion is mixed, I just don’t try to overfocus on the negative on Tumblr, I mostly talk about it on discord or private), I do think anyone who has read the books should watch the show.

For me, personally, everything I love about HDM is barely on the show - complex characters, the philosophy, the oppression by religion, the interesting world - and the vibe I get is that they’re adapting a coming-of-age love story, which is the last and - being fully honest - the least important message these books give us, but unfortunately they were set to making a family show from the start, and my expectations were high and unmatched, and a family is what we’re getting: toned down, cute, pretty visuals and soulless (heh, pun intended), philosophically speaking. I expect a certain pattern going into S3, but I always like to hold out hope that they will hire better writers (apparently Jack Thorne already wrote 4 scripts, so there you go lmao), and try to give HDM the adaptation it deserves. The truth is, if you’re a picky, canon reliant person like I am, the show might be a struggle, but if you just like the story for the teen romance, or if you don’t care about overthinking a show/book, then most people can have a good time with it.

[prehistoricalcats]

I'm really interested in your Cats universe! It seems like you have them living like humans but humans also exist? Can you describe your universe a bit more, if you'd like to? :)

I'd love to!

I must warn you though, this is a very in-depth universe, and even focusing on specific points and trying to simplify things as much as I could, I still managed to make to this about a mile long. Damn I wish Tumblr mobile let me do a read more cut

First of all, yes the Cats are anthropomorphic, and yes humans also exist in this universe. Anthro Dogs, Rats, and Mice all definitely also exist, and I'm considering a few other anthro races like Hyenas and maybe like Rabbits and some others, but haven't put too much thought to that yet.

Just for reference, if it's capitalized (Dog, Cat, etc) it's the anthro race, if it's lower case (dog, cat, etc) it's the fourlegger

Some Basic Terminology:

Non-human beings/non-human people - collective term for all anthro races

NHP - non-human person(s)

Furfolk - common English slang for non-human beings, not politically correct but still pretty widely used. There is also a version of this word for each specific race, Catfolk, Ratfolk, etc. (Note: Mice and Rats often are collectively refered to as Rodents or Rodentfolk)

Fourlegger - regular dogs, cats, etc. Used mostly by NHPs to differentiate between them and NHPs

Bald-bodies - humans. Used by NHPs, considered derogatory by most (nearly everyone uses it anyway)

Kit - kid, child, teenager (for Cats). Short for kitten

Tom - you know this one, an adult or teenage male Cat

Mot - an adult or teenage female Cat, an alternative word for "queen"

License Name - once called the "family name" back when it was still quite common for Cats to work for a human family in a residential household. Essentially this is the name that humans assign to Cats because Particular Names are often "too hard" for humans to remember/pronounce. It's their "official" name that appears on most legal documents, including their "license" which is essentially a registration card and number that all Cats are required to have. Most Cats have a license, and a license name, by age three, some get theirs as infants. Sometimes the parents have a say in what the license name will be, sometimes not. Sometimes a Cat will prefer their license name, some prefer their Particular Name, others don't care and will respond to either.

The Junkyard - a slum, mostly populated by Cats, on the outskirts of the metropolitan area of an unnamed imaginary British city, comprised partly of makeshift shelters scattered throughout an actual dump/landfill/junkyard, and partly of several large shantytowns built on the unused land surrounding the dump

Some biology stuff:

Okay brief anatomy lesson before we begin

(For real though, please at least glance over that link before continuing, it is fairly brief and it makes what I'm about to try to explain a lot less complicated)

I've had to do some fantasy science to work out how Cats can have retractable claws without becoming less dextrous than humans (because I need them to be able to play instruments made for human hands). What I've essentially gone with so far is that Cats have extra bones in their hands/feet, which would make them unlike any other known tetrapod either living or in the fossil record, so the science side of me rebels at this, but the art side of me says it's a story about bipedal talking felines with mystical powers it's already science fiction they could have duckbills if I wanted them to (I don't), and so I think this is a decent compromise. I can go into further detail about the way the claws work later on if you like, but this post is already going to be pretty long so for now I'll just say that you can describe the claw as an extra joint attached to the end of the distal phalange.

Cats are super bendy, for the same reason that (fourlegger) cats are bendy. They have extra bones/joints in their spines. Cats have 7 cervical, 13 thoracic, 7 lumbar, 5 sacral, and 19-23 caudal. They have more sacral bones than fourleggers because they're bipedal.

Cats are habitual bipeds, like humans. But unlike humans, they are perfectly comfortable wandering around on their hands and knees. Though the bipedal stance is more comfortable and usually perfered by adults especially, most non-elderly Cats are still perfectly fine crawling on the ground on their hands and knees. You're generally more likely to see kits and young adults doing this, but older adults do it to. If they want to move fast or run, they use a bipedal stance. Beyond that it's just whatever feels right for the situation.

Some culture stuff

Cats and other NHPs (except Rats) don't need clothing to cover their privates. I'm not going to go into the anatomy of how that works. For now let's just imagine it's the fur that's hiding it. They do wear clothes, especially in winter, but it's not so much for modesty as it is for functionality and fashion. Basically clothes for Cats are for three purposes: to protect from the elements (cold, rain, sun, etc), to shut the outraged humans up, and to look good. It's pretty common in the summer to see Cats wearing nothing but some arm/leg warmers or other fashion accessory, and a belt/rope around their waist to store things on in the absence of pockets,(even if they also have a bag)

If you've ever owned or seen or been around a male rat you probably know why I say "except Rats" and I'm not going to get into it here, just know Rat men always where pants/trousers

Cats exist globally and have a variety of different cultures, often greatly influenced by the human culture of that region, but one of the most universal elements of Cat culture is the idea that "It's considerably dishonorable for a Cat to use anything but their own claws (and teeth in many cultures) in combat against another unarmed Cat." Translation: Cats generally frown on using weapons, though many recognize the need to know how to use them, because humans use weapons, and a claws against a machete or a cattle prod or a gun isn't fair. By the same line many modern Cats consider it okay to use weapons against a (dishonorable) Cat that pulled a weapon on you first, though many elders still frown upon this.

The relationship between Cats (and other NHPs) and humans isn't very good, and the relationship between different types of NHPs isn't much better. There's a social hierarchy that puts humans (especially white straight cis male humans) at the top. The hierarchy goes humans > Dogs > Cats > Rodents

About the Jellicles

The Jellicles are the name of a specific tribe that once was primarily a religious tribe. Back a really fuck long time ago when Deuteronomy was still a kitten, the Jellicles lived off the land and practiced their religion (still working out the details of that sorry but I do have a few things)

The Jellicle Choice is a real thing, though I haven't decided if it started with Deuteronomy or if he was the next in a line sorta kinda but not exactly like the Avatar. The Jellicle Ball is held every year and people used to come from all over hoping to be picked. The humans didn't like this mass gathering, and the space they had in their own territory couldn't quite handle it anyway, so the Jellicles had to start keeping the Ball's location a secret until the day of, to keep the attendance numbers down somewhat. A Choice isn't made every year, though there's always a chance one will be made, and they've had a dry spell for the past 20 or 30 or so years before Grizabella. They don't have to keep the locale a secret anymore, most people don't bother coming and some even think the Jellicle Choice is just a myth. Few people remember when the Jellicles were primarily religious

Deut was trained as a shaman from early childhood, and groomed to be the next leader since he was ten, but he's always been a performer at heart. At some point after taking over as lead, he met (a very very young) Gus and invited him into the tribe. With Gus's help he organized plays and small musical performances, slowly and gradually getting other members in on it as well, until putting on plays every now and then was just a part of Jellicle life. And it was a good thing too, because by this point the tribe had been forced to give up their land and had to move to an industrial slum in the nearest city. No longer able to live off the land, they turned to performance to make a living. This was all well before Skimble/Jenny/Jelly/Spara (Jr)/Griz were born. These days the Jellicles are known primarily as a tribe of performers. Every current member that was born into the tribe except Deut was brought up as a performer

The play we see is an actual play being put on by the Jellicles as a dramatization of the events of That One Particular Jellice Ball™ which happened three years prior to the current timeline.

I think that covers the basic rundown. You can also see this jumbled mess for my first attempt at explaining all this crap lol.

Oh yeah and before I forget, I haven't decided yet if "Peke" and especially "Pollicle" refer to a certain culture of Dog, a certain body type, or two specific gangs ("packs") that just happen to be mostly comprised of a certain culture and/or body type of Dog. But they do exist in this universe. At the very least they are fictional gangs made up for the Rumpus Cat comics (yeah he's a comic book hero in this), or else real gangs or cultures/types of Dog written into Munk's Rumpus Cat fanwork play.

There's also a very important event that I really need to go over at some point but it's a really heavy topic and this isn't the best time like politically to post it right now, or even for me emotionally to write it out. But I do need to get this out at some point...

[lovemesomesurveys]

Layers Layer 1: The Basics

Name: Stephanie. Age: 31. Birthday: July 28th. Gender: Female. Zodiac Sign: Leo.

Layer 2: Your Family

Do you have any brothers or sisters? I have two brothers. Do you have any pets? I have a doggo. Do you still live with your parents? Yep. Do you have any stepparents? No. How many cousins do you have? Like over 50. Only two of them are from my dad’s side.

Layer 3: Your Friends

Who is your best friend? My mom. Who have you been friends with the longest? -- What do you like to do with your friends? -- Do you have more friends online or in real life? -- What is a good way to make friends with others? *shrug*

Layer 4: Your Home

Do you live in a home, apartment, duplex, trailer, etc? A duplex. How many rooms are there in your house? 2 bedrooms. Is your home large or small? It’s small. What is your favorite room in your house, and why? My room. It has my bed and all my stuff and I spend majority of my time in here. Do you prefer having people over to your house, or would you rather go to theirs? With friends I preferred going to theirs. I don’t like playing hostess.

Layer 5: Can You

Can you fold your tongue into the taco shape? Nope. Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? No, cause I’m a paraplegic. Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue? Nope. Can you hold up your end of a physical fight? I’ve never been in one, but I’m still going to say no. It wouldn’t go well for me. Can you do any yo-yo tricks? I haven’t played with a yo-yo since I was a kid, but I never could get the hang of any tricks. I couldn’t even get it to go back up easily.

Layer 6: Who

Who inspires you the most, and why? I haven’t felt inspired in a long time. :/ Who helps you maintain your sanity? Uhhh. Who do you go to most often for advice? I don’t ask for advice very often to be honest. Who knows you better than you know yourself? I don’t even know myself anymore. Who is someone that you would die or put your life on the line for, no questions asked? My mom and brother.

Layer 7: Do you

Do you still eat sandwiches without the crusts? Yeah. I’ve never liked the crust. Do you typically finish your meal at a restaurant, or need to take a container home? I don’t finish my meal completely ever because I get full fast and I’m such a slow eater that everyone is done for awhile and I feel bad having them wait. Depending on what it is I might take the leftovers home, but honestly I usually don’t. Do you pull an Oreo apart in order to eat it? Yep. Do you read a lot of gossip magazines? I haven’t read a magazine in several years. I used to all the time as a teenager. Do you make friends easily? I don’t have an issue getting along with people, but I don’t develop friendships with a lot of people. I don’t really try either to be honest. Especially not these past few years. I haven’t tried or wanted to make any friends.

Layer 8: How Many?

How many people live in your house with you? 3 people and a doggo. How many pets have you had in your lifetime? A couple hamsters, 4 doggos, and a fish tank full of fish. How many tries does it take you to become successful at something? Uhh. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m all that great at anything. How many meals do you eat a day? Usually just two. How many people can you honestly tolerate? Just a few people at a time.

Layer 9: How

How do you typically get to school or work? I’m done with school and I don’t have a job. How do you deal with a breakup? Not well. How do you like to help others? I used to try and help people with what I could when I could, but admittedly I haven’t been very helpful or useful to anyone, including myself. How do you know when you’ve found “the one”? I guess I don’t know because I truly thought I did with Ty, but that went nowhere. How do you sleep in bed? I sleep in the middle slightly turned to my left with my head propped up.

Layer 10: What

What do you think happens when we die? I believe in heaven and hell. What do you do if there’s no toilet paper left on the roll and you’re already peeing? At home I call for my mom and ask her to bring some or I have to just get up and get some more from the bathroom pantry. What do you eat most often? Wingstop and ramen. What toys did you enjoy most as a child? I was obsessed with Barbies. What do you do if you witness someone being awful to someone else? I don’t know what I would do.

Layer 11: Where

Where is your favorite place to eat out? I’m more of takeout gal, even pre-COVID, which now takeout is all I do, but anyway I love getting Wingstop and breakfast from this local place. Where is the place that has the best ice cream in your area? I’m not a big ice cream person and haven’t had any at all in years, but apart from the common places like Baskin Robbins and Cold Stone, I know we have a few trendy, cool ice cream places in town I haven’t been to thatI hear are really good. Where did you meet your current or last significant other? We met through a mutual friend. Where can you be found at 7 PM. typically? Here at home, most likely in bed on my laptop. Where can you find the best French fries? This local place has delicious beer battered garlic fries.

Layer 12: When

When did you find out the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy? I don’t remember exactly when I found out about the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy, but I stopped believing in Santa when I was 8. I feel like I stopped believing in the other two prior to that. When do you typically fall asleep? Around 6 or 7AM. When was the last time that someone paid you a compliment? I don’t remember. When do you feel most comfortable? When I’m lounging in bed. When did you last go to the bathroom? A couple hours ago.

Layer 13: Why

Why do you enjoy taking surveys so much? I’ve enjoyed taking them for so long now it’s hard to imagine a time where I no longer do them. I mean, here I am at 31 and see no stopping in sight. I think they’re good distractions and give me a place to vent and ramble as well when needed. They’re like my diary entries. Why do people gossip so much? They’re bored and other people’s lives are either more interesting or they serve as a distraction from their own. Why can’t humans fly? We don’t have wings. Why aren’t you doing something else right now? I want to be doing this. Why is the sky blue? Cause that is the color God intended it to be.

Layer 14: If...

If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on? I’d pay of mine, my parents’ and my brother’s debts first, then I’d buy us a bigger house and furnish/decorate it, do some other shopping, travel for sure, and then I’d have to be smart and careful and save as well after having some fun. If you found out someone was cheating on you, would you ever take them back? I honestly don’t know. It would depend on a lot of things and if I did, it would take time and work. If you found a wallet with cash in the street, including identification, would you turn it in? Why or why not? Yes, absolutely.  If you could have any food right now, what would you like?   I just had ramen so I’m good right now. If you found out that the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend your last day? Freaking out? ha.

Layer 15: Firsts

When did you lose your first tooth? Like 5 or 6. Who was your first teacher that you ever had? I don’t remember my preschool teacher’s name. When did you first learn how to ride a bike? I didn’t. When was the first time you had sex? I haven’t. Did your first birthday have a theme to it? I’d have to ask my mom.

Layer 16: Lasts

Last person you texted: My brother. Last drink you sipped: Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink. Last time you rode a bike: -- Last time you swam in a pool: Like 8 years ago. Last person you hugged: My aunt.

Layer 17: Favorites

Favorite Color: Pastels, rose gold, sea foam green, coral, and yellow. Favorite Season: Fall and winter. Favorite Shape: Hearts and stars. Favorite Letter: I don’t have one. Favorite Number: 8.

Layer 18: This or That

Pepsi or Coke? Coke. Movies or Television? Both. Phone or Tablet? Phone. Fruits or Vegetables? I like some of both. Animals or Humans? Animals, ha.

Layer 19: Which

Which Poke’mon is your favorite? Let’s go with Jigglypuff. Which day of the week is your favorite? I don’t have one. My days all blend together. Which birthday celebration was the most memorable for you? Various ones throughout my life. Which holiday is your favorite? Christmas. Which shoe do you put on first? I think my right.

Layer 20: Love Life/Relationships

What is the name of your first love? Joseph. How many times can you honestly say you’ve been in love? Twice. Have you ever been in a relationship before that was abusive in any way? No. Have you ever been engaged or married before? No. Do you have any children? Nooo.

Layer 21: Jobs, Dreams, & Goals

What did you want to be when you grew up (as a little kid)? I wanted to be a teacher. What do you aspire to be now? What interests you? I have no idea. :/ What is the most recent goal you’ve achieved? I haven’t achieved any in a long time. What is a goal you are still striving to reach? I should be setting some, but... Have you ever won any sort of awards before? If so, for what? Honor roll certificates and award from school clubs I was in.

Layer 22: Opinions & Beliefs

Pro-life or pro-choice? Pro-choice. Were you raised with any sort of religious background? If so, then what? Both sets of grandparents were the ones who tried to influence me in that way and they were of different religions, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Christians. It made things very confusing and complicated and I struggled with what I believed for a very long time. I went through phases of being atheist, agnostic, and then slowly started to open up towards Christianity. Democrat, Republican, or Independent? I don’t want to get into that. For or against the death penalty? It’s very complicated. Thoughts on assisted suicide? That’s a very touchy, sensitive subject.

Layer 23: Currently/Today/Present

What day is it? Saturday, March 6th. What’s the weather like outside? It’s currently 46F. What have you eaten? So far just ramen. Did you run any errands? It’s only 5:21AM, but I won’t be going anywhere today. What time is it? ^^^

Layer 24: Yesterday

Did you have a work shift? I don’t have a job. Did you eat out anywhere? I had breakfast delivered and then got Wingstop takeout for dinner. Was it snowing? No, it doesn’t snow here. Who did you last say goodnight to? My mom. Did anything unusual happen? No.

Layer 25: Tomorrow

Do you have to go to school/class? Nope, I finished school back in 2015. Does this day have any sort of significance to you? No. What is a chore that needs to get done? I don’t have anything I need to do right now. Will you hang out with friends? I don’t have any friends. I’ll hang with my family at home. What time will you be expected to be awake by? Like 4 or 5PM most likely.

Layer 26: Have You Ever

Performed a magic trick successfully? Nope. I dabbled a little bit with card tricks when I was a kid, but I was never any good at it. Sat or laid on a rooftop and looked at the stars? No. I’d be too scared to do that. Walked around with your underwear on inside out or backwards all day without realizing it? Probably. Touched a snake? Nooooo. Been bitten by an animal? If so, what animal? Nope.

Layer 27: School Life

Are preschool and kindergarten mandatory where you live? I’m not sure if preschool is, actually. I went to preschool.  Were you or anyone you knew homeschooled? I was for a brief periods of time after some long hospital stays in 5th, 6th, and 8th grade. Did you attend public or private school? Public. Were you bullied in school, popular, or somewhere in-between? I wasn’t bullied and I most definitely wasn’t popular. What is the highest level of education that you completed? I have my BA in psych.

Layer 28: Your Appearance

Eye Color: Brown. Hair Color: A mix of red and my natural dark brown. Height: Like 5′4. Weight: Somewhere in the 70s (pounds), I think. I haven’t been weighed in years. Do you have freckles. moles, beauty marks, or birthmarks - and where? I have some freckles, some moles, and a birthmark.

Layer 29: Electronics, Internet, & Social Media

How much time do you spend on the internet per day? It really varies. Which social media platforms do you belong to? All the big main ones. When’s the last time you replaced the batteries in your television remote? I don’t recall. Are you more likely to stream movies and shows on your laptop, or cast them to your television? I prefer to on TV. Do you have an e-reader, or do you prefer actual books? No, but I do use the Kindle app on my phone.

Layer 30: Are You

Are you still in school? Nope. Are you a member of the LGBTQ+ community? No. Are you looking forward to anything coming soon? There isn’t anything coming up that I’m looking forward to. Are you dreading anything coming soon? Upcoming doctor appointments.  Are you gullible or naive? I wouldn’t say I’m a gullible or naive person, but I can be gullible and naive at times.

Layer 31: Does

Does your workplace make you feel like you can never take a day off without feeling guilty about it? -- Does someone currently hold the key to your heart? Myself. Does anyone out there hate you? Probably.  Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Yes. Does crying make you feel less strong? Sometimes I do feel like that because I’m just so sensitive and moody and feel like such a baby sometimes. I don’t think crying makes you weak, I’m just hard on myself and feel like I cry too much and over ridiculous things at times. I’m like seriously, you’re crying again?? Or wow, you’re crying over this??

Layer 32: Would You

Do the Polar Bear Plunge? Helllllllllll no. Ever try to walk across a room blindfolded? I’ve done that. And with just my eyes closed. Swim with sharks? Noooooo. Go into outer space, given the chance? Noooooo. Go out in public, looking how you do right now? Ew, no.

Layer 33: Pets/Animals

Do you have any pets? If so, what type, and their names... Yep, I have a 4 year old German Shepherd/Lab mix named Princess Leia. If not, what type of pet have you always wanted? -- What is your favorite animal? Dogs and giraffes. Do you think it is cruel to have circus animals? Yes. How often do you walk your dog, if you have one? How often do you scoop the litterbox, if you have a cat? I don’t walk her because it would be too hard for me to do, but my dad does a few times a week.

Layer 34: Food

What is your favorite breakfast item? Scrambled eggs, biscuits, and hash browns smothered in country gravy, scrambled eggs with spinach, garlic, and green onions, breakfast burritos, and breakfast sandwiches. What is your favorite kind of dessert? Cheesecake, brownies, cupcakes, muffins, donuts, cookies, Little Debbie snacks. Do you eat all three meals everyday? Nope. I usually just have two. What’s the longest you’ve gone without food? Ever, like 2-3 days because I had just had surgery. Otherwise, just a day without any food at all. I’ve gone days with very little when I’m really sick or having appetite issues. What do you like to eat when you are feeling sick? I don’t like to eat when I’m sick, which becomes a problem. I have to try and at least eat buttered toast and soup.

Layer 35: Past

Does your past ever come back to haunt you at times? I’m always dwelling on my past. What is one of your favorite memories of the past? Childhood memories. What is something that you used to do in the past, but no longer do? I used to have somewhat of a social life, but now I don’t have one at all. If you could have a meal with someone from the past, who would it be, and what would you ask them? My grandmother. I’d just want to spend time with her and catch her up on the past 15 years as much as I could. Which historical time period would you like to go back to and check out? Hm. I don’t know.

Layer 36: Future

Do you think you will ever get married one day? Honestly, no. I really don’t see it happening. Do you plan on ever getting a different job in the future, or are you happy with the one you’ve got? I don’t have a job currently. What age do you plan to retire at? Or do you plan on working til you’re dead? I don’t know what my plans are in regards to work.  What is something on your bucket list worth mentioning? One that pretty much everyone says, but traveling.  If given the opportunity to see how your future plays out, would you take it, or no? The future terrifies me, so no I don’t think I would. It could possibly end up being encouraging if I saw things turn around for me in a good way, but I’m afraid it would just show more problems and things getting worse. :/

Layer 37: Hygiene

How often do you shower? Every couple days. How often do you brush your teeth? At least once a day. Do you actually iron any of your clothes? I’ve never ironed my clothes. How often do you do laundry? It gets done about once a week. How long do you use a bath towel before switching it out? I only use it once.

Layer 38: Clothing, Makeup, & Style

Do you wear nail polish? If so, how often do you paint your nails? I haven’t painted my nails in almost 5 years. How would your describe your sense of style? Super casual? ha. I live in leggings and oversized graphic tees. Are there any popular trends that you do not find appealing? Of course. Where do you typically buy your clothing from? Boxlunch and Hot Topic.  What sorts of accessories do you wear/use? I haven’t worn any accessories in awhile. I used to be a big accessories person, like I stuff to match all my outfit and my arms would be full of bracelets.

Layer 39: Hobbies

Do you still color, even as an adult? Yep. I love that adult coloring books became a pretty big thing a few years ago, I love ‘em. Do you/would you like to crochet, knit, cross-stitch, etc? Nah. What’s the last thing you crafted all by yourself? I’m not an arts and crafts person. Do you use Pinterest at all? I do. What’s the last thing that you cooked or baked? Ramen, of course.

Layer 40: Dislikes

List some of your pet peeves here. Eating sounds is a big one. What are some things that annoy you about yourself? Oh jeez. Many things.  Is there anyone out there who you actually hate? Who? Myself? What is a feeling that you dislike? Feeling sick. Do you get some ugly road rage while driving? I don’t drive.

Layer 41: Random

Have you ever successfully pogo’ed on a pogo stick? No. Not sure how that would work with a wheelchair, ha. Have you ever mastered the jump rope? Again, kinda hard to do, but I’ve kinda jumped rope before. Not the actual jumping part course, but did the movements while just wheeling over the rope instead and continuing to move forward. It’s kinda hard to explain, but yeah. Do you know what it feels like to be truly happy? Uhhh.  Is it winter in your part of the world right now? Yes. What’s your favorite type of survey, and why? I enjoy themed ones like this and ones with random, interesting questions that allow me to elaborate more than just simple yes and no. I don’t mind some of that thrown in and some basic questions, but I want more.

Layer 42: Music

What are some of your favorite genres of music? I like variety. What are some music genres that you can’t stand? I’m not into dubstep.  If you had a blank pair of concert tickets, who would you hope to be going to see? Hm. I’d have to think about that. Do you still listen to music on the radio from time to time? It’s been like 4 years since I’ve listened to the radio. iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Amazon Music, or YouTube? Spotify.

Layer 43: Books

What were some of your favorite books as a child? How young are we talking? Like around 4th grade I started getting into Goosebumps, Nancy Drew, The Baby Sitter’s Club, Ramona and Beezus, and choose your own adventure books.  What genre of books do you typically read most often? Well, for the past couple years now I’ve just been reading murder mystery and psychological thrillers. Apart from those, my favorite genres are fiction, YA, and NA. What are some of your favorite books as an adult? I have several favorite murder mystery series.  What is a book that you were required to read for school that you actually enjoyed? One of them was A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Do you read any newspapers or magazines anymore? I haven’t in years.

Layer 43: Around the World

Where’s the best place you’ve taken a vacation and/or day trip to? My Disneyland trips are definitely some of the best. Where is somewhere that you’d like to go someday, assuming you have the funds to do so? There’s so many places I’d love to visit. Where do your family members originate from? Most are from here, but some from different cities and states. What is your favorite type of ethnic cuisine? Italian. What is something that is typically representative of your own culture? Hm.

Layer 44: Would you Rather...

Drink apple juice or grape juice? Ew, neither. Wear pants or shorts? Pants. I don’t do shorts. Be taller or shorter? Taller. Go to a zoo or an aquarium? Zoo. Visit an art gallery or a museum? Museum.

Layer 45: Movies

Do you remember what the first movie was that you saw in theaters? No, but the first one I remember seeing is The Rugrats Movie. What are some of your favorite movies you’ve seen? There’s so many. What genre of movie do you typically enjoy? Horror, psychological thrillers, drama, superhero, fantasy and sci-fi, romcoms.  What is a movie you’ve seen that you weren’t expecting to like, but were pleasantly surprised? I didn’t think I’d love Star Wars and the superhero movies like I do, honestly. I got into them late, but once I started I was hooked. How many movies do you own? Are they all DVD’s, or do you still have some VHS ones left? I have like 10 DVDs in my personal collection. I also have my Disney VHS tapes stored away.

Layer 46: Personality

Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? I’m an introvert all the way. Are you more easygoing and laid back, or anal? I think I come off as easygoing and laid back to people who don’t know me, but I am not. I mean, in some cases I am, like when it comes to traveling I’m pretty much down to do anything and I’m cool with just chillin’ and checking things out.  Are you kind to everyone who shows that they deserve kindness? I believe so. Describe your sense of humor. I honestly don’t know. Like, I like corny, punny, cheesy jokes, but apart from that I’m not sure how to describe it. People will show me stuff they think is funny and they can be dying of laughter and I can be straight-faced or just give a little chuckle or blow air out of my nose, ha. So yeah, it’s hard to explain. Random stuff will just really strike me as funny. And even if I do think something is amusing, it doesn’t always mean I’m laughing hysterically ya know? I haven’t had a good laugh in a long time. Do you tend to over-share? In surveys I do sometimes.

Layer 47: Celebrities

Which celebrity has given their child the most unique name, in your opinion? Meh, I don’t know. Are there any celebrities that you keep tabs on/read articles about often? Not as much as I used to, honestly. I used to be wrapped up in celebrity gossip and entertainment. I still like that kind of stuff, but I don’t know I just haven’t been following it as much. Who is/are your celebrity crush(es)? Alexander Skarsgard. Have you ever personally met someone famous before? If so, then who? Jamie Lee Curtis and Drake Bell. Who is a celebrity that you’re getting tired of hearing about all the time? Hmm.

Layer 48: Emotions

When was the last time you cried? A couple days ago. What are some things that you’re afraid of? Losing loved ones, dying, never getting better/getting worse... What is something small that makes you happy? That first sip of coffee. Who is the last person that you were angry with, and about what? It’s been awhile since I’ve been angry with someone. Are you typically a shy or outgoing person? I’m very shy.

Layer 49: Digging Deeper

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? I don’t drink. How old were you when you got drunk for the first time? 21. Do you smoke? Nope. Have you ever taken and sent naked pictures of yourself? No. Have you ever done any drugs other than marijuana? If so, which ones? Nope.

Layer 50: Games

What are some of your favorite video games? Mario Bro games. Do you have any computer games that you play regularly? I go through phases with The Sims where I’ll play all the time and then go years without playing. The last time I played was 3 years ago. What was your favorite board game, growing up? Sorry!, Trouble, and Life. How about your favorite card game? Growing up I liked playing Uno and Crazy 8′s.  How good are you at solving puzzles? (such as a Rubik’s cube, word puzzles, or putting together a jigsaw puzzle) I love word searches and such. I used to enjoy doing actual puzzles when I was a kid. I’ve actually been wanting to do a puzzle lately.

[ohsh1t2wksl8]

[drkoestersmithrpg]

Chapter 2 - Title Undecided

“Peter… Peter… oh Peter…”

Peter was a little startled to realize they were parked on the old road that used to go to the South House.  He was surprised how warm the night was.  But laying back on the hood of the truck, looking up at the sky full of stars, that was nice.  The hood of the truck was warm, and the night was pleasantly cool.  And Quentin looked relaxed, so Peter relaxed too.

The sky was so very, very full of stars.  It was a good night for stargazing.

At least, Quentin was stargazing.  Peter was Quentingazing.  It was so easy to forget how handsome Quentin was.  Peter shouldn’t have felt this relaxed, felt this safe, with the older man, but he did.  Maybe it was because, now, he was older too.  Maybe it was because he knew all of Quentin’s tricks, and, looking back on it, they weren’t much.  

And tonight felt so peaceful.  It was everything he wanted it to be.

And dammit Quentin’s face was just so damn handsome.  Those his dark eyes, the ones that had made Peter just feel helpless… well,  they didn’t make Peter feel helpless anymore, but you couldn’t deny it.  They were eyes to die for.  And that smile.  It wasn’t as handsome as Tony’s smile, but it was nice.

“What are you grinning at?”  Peter said when Quentin turned to look at him.  Peter turned his head away to actually look up at the stars, but didn’t pretend he hadn’t been looking at Quentin.  There was no point in pretending.

“I’m just remembering the time I took you out into the woods at night because I wanted to kiss you, and instead I wound up listening to a lecture on Gilgamesh…”

“It wasn’t a lecture…” Peter protested through his giggles.

“It was amazing!” Quentin insisted, laughing as well. “You explaining it to me - the fucking Epic of Gilgamesh.  And Enkidu, and Gilgamesh who is going to fall in love with him, but not yet because he’s currently a wild man, running around naked in the forest so Gilgamesh civilizes him by introducing him to a whore.  You were seventeen for godssake.  And there I was, parked with you on a dark road, hoping I was going to get lucky, and all I could do was look into those gorgeous brown eyes of your and listen to you explain Akkadian cultural mores…” He smiled fondly at the memory.  “It was crazy.”

“I was TRYING to say that YOUR religion said sex made you uncontrolled and animalistic and bad, but the Akkadians saw sex as the civilizing force.  The thing that made men WANT to control themselves, and fit in with society.  And don’t call Shamhat a whore, she was a prostitute, but that word isn’t… it wasn’t always a bad thing.”

“Just say ‘pejorative.’” Quentin said gently.  “Don’t dumb down your vocabulary for me.  You never did before.”  

“Oh god” Peter moaned, covering his face with both hands. He rubbed his eyes, rubbed his forehead, trying to wipe away the memory.  “I was always trying so hard to impress you.”

“I was impressed.”  Quentin said, turning over and propping himself on one elbow.  Peter turned his head and looked up into those mesmerizing dark eyes.

“We were parked on the side of the back road,” Quentin was saying softly, his mouth only a few inches away.  “And you were sitting with arms reach of me, just as bold as brass, telling me about Gilgamesh and Enkidu, the most epic male/male love story of all time, and I was thinking “This kid has more balls than I did at his age… more than I ever will.”

Peter couldn’t help but smile back.  Quentin’s smile had always been contagious.  

“But then you had to ruin it by bringing up girls…” he concluded with a smirk, laying back down to stare up at the stars.

“Me?!” Peter gaped, sputtering.  “Me?  Did the Reverend Quentin ‘How many girlfriends do you have this week Parker?’ Beck just accuse me of…”

But he laughed when he saw that Quentin was suppressing a laugh.  He lay back and looked up at the sky.

“Shamhat is an integral part of the story,” he said smirking, relishing the fact that he could make Quentin laugh.  “And excuse me?  Raise your hand if you used to dare me… if you used to double-dog dare me… to ask out a girl to a movie every freaking time I saw you…”

“I was feeling you out…” Quentin said quietly, sitting up again.  He reached to put one solid hand on Peter’s bicep.  “…before I felt you up.”

Peter was silent for a moment, looking up at that luscious mouth, so close to his own, when Quentin spoke again.

“Do you forgive me, Peter?”

Peter closed his eyes.  He didn’t want to talk about forgiveness, didn’t want to talk about what needed to be forgiven, and why.  Quentin’s hand was now stroking his chest, and he didn’t want to talk at all.

“Please… you don’t have to say yes.  You can say something else.  Anything at all.  As long as it’s the truth.  I just need to know.”

“I needed… information…” Peter said, without opening his eyes, trying to explain it as best he could.  “I had a boyfriend, but our relationship was… it wasn’t… it was good.  But it was  immature.  I found out that… I found that out.  And that wasn’t exactly the way I wanted to find out but… but I found out from you.  And it led us, to him and me, to... to have a conversation that I didn’t even know we needed to have. Because he was waiting for me to bring up and he’s the kind of guy that really could have waited forever… believe me, he really would have waited forever.  But we had to have that conversation because of you… and it… yeah.  It led to a lot of good things.  So I guess the answer is yes… I guess…

“And I still have him.  My boyfriend,” he said quickly as his eyes opened again and he found himself looking directly at Quentin’s mouth, now close enough to kiss.

“I have a fiancé in Albany,” Quentin joked.  “What difference does it make.”  Peter grinned.

They were inside the pickup cab now, and Peter was glad. When he had been 17, Quentin had made the first move, had kissed Peter BEFORE Peter had worked up the nerve to climb onto his lap.  And that was something Peter had always regretted.

He grinned as he climbed into Quentin’s lap now, stradling Quentin’s legs with his own.

“I always wanted to see your face when I did this,” Peter whispered, as he pulled Quentin’s head back by the hair, kissing him hard, just like in his dreams.

“Oh god kid,” Quentin panted when Peter let him come up for air.  “I nearly came in my pants when you did it the first time,” Quentin breathed against his mouth, and soon they weren’t speaking at all, kissing each other greedily as Quentin pulled him close with strong arms.  Now Peter’s erection was pressing firmly into Quentin’s chest, and that was just fine too.

“I love how hungry your hands feel,” Peter moaned as Quentin’s eager fingers dug into the meat of his ass.  He wasn’t entirely sure that sentence made sense, but he hoped Quentin got the idea.

He pulled away long enough to peel off his shirt, hoping there was enough moonlight to show off the body he was so proud of.

“Fuck,” was Quentin’s only comment, but that was enough. Soon he was biting his way across Peter’s shoulder and shamelessly grinding his hardon into Peter’s body, denim against denim.  Peter was just beginning to realize how complicated it was going to be, getting those tight jeans off in these tight confines, when Quentin hissed and tensed, his fingers suddenly biting into Peter’s biceps, his whole body going still.

Peter was overwhelmed, suddenly, with another memory. Hadn’t they made out in the woods behind the church, just like this?  And hadn’t Quentin tensed suddenly, his fingers digging into Peter’s arms, just like this?  And hadn’t Peter suddenly wondered if Quentin had been stung by a bee, or bitten by a snake? Because he seemed to suddenly be in pain…

…but this Quentin didn’t seem to be in pain at all. In fact he was relaxing completely, catching his breath, laying his head back with a goofy smile on his face.

“What… what?”  Peter asked, confused.  It couldn’t be… but it was.  He pressed himself into Quentin’s lap, but there was nothing there.  Quentin’s erection, that thing that had haunted his dreams for so long, was simply gone.

“Wait… you didn’t just…”

“You were so scared of it,” Quentin said with an easy smile. “All you had to do was wrap your hand around it for a few moments and it would have all been over.  You never had anything to be afraid of.”

“And the night of the lock-in at the church… you? Did you really… my god no wonder you turned off so suddenly.”

“I could have taken care of you too,” Quentin said, still grinning that goofy grin.  Tracing the length of Peter’s erection with his thumb.  “Boys your age get off so fast.  I could have done it right there and then without so much as undoing a button. But I didn’t.”

Peter looked into Quentin’s eyes, but he didn’t ask.

Quentin answered anyway.  “Because I’m a shitty person,” he said, reaching up to whisper it against Peter’s mouth.  “And shitty people do shitty things.”

“Yeah, and that’s the problem,” Peter said, reaching down and pulling Quentin’s hand away by the thumb.

“This has been nice, Reverend Beck, it really has. But Matty is my best friend… and a lot more than that now.  And you had him so messed up he was literally thinking of drowning himself in my lake. And that’s not okay.”

“I left, didn’t I?  Wasn’t that enough?”  Quentin whined, trying to pull his thumb out of Peter’s grasp.  “I left and I didn’t come back…”

“You didn’t have a choice.  Are you forgetting your famous Nightfall Sermon? You left because they rode out of town on a rail.  And if we hadn’t done that… you made Matty blame himself, Quentin.  For all of it.  I don’t know how… you just have a knack…”  

“It’s not hard kid,” Quentin said, looking him directly in the eye.  His gentle tone was gone, but his thumb still remained in Peter’s grip, his hand hanging just an inch from Peter’s body, in no hurry to move away.

“There’s no trick to it.  Everyone in the world, everyone on the planet, either blames themselves for everything, or else they blame themselves for nothing.  I always have a 50/50 shot.”

“You’re the kind of man who does a lot of damage, Quentin.”

“That’s why I traveled, Peter.  I turned down a lot of better jobs in bigger churches and I stayed on the road nine months out of the year.  It was less money, but staying in one place, I would have done TOO MUCH damage. As long as I kept moving, never going back to any place more than twice, it was different…”

“Damage is damage, Quentin, even if you spread it around.

“But you were okay…”

“Because I already had a boyfriend, because I wasn’t desperately lonely, isolated in this one-shitter town and thinking I was the only gay kid in New York, or even the entire world.  I was lucky enough to know better than that.  Because my boyfriend happened to be a 1600 year old demon who had lived in monastery where everyone was gay including some notable saints…”

A crash of thunder came from overhead, startling both of them.  They looked at each other in surprise.  The night had been dry… they had just been outside in it moments before…

The next clap of thunder made them wince, and Peter willingly moved out of Quentin’s lap as he grabbed his keys off the dashboard and tried to start the truck.  The thunder sounded less like a storm and more like a series of explosions.  It sounded as if lightning had hit several trees nearby, yet there had been no flashes of light.  In fact the night was pitch black.  They could barely see each other through the eerie lights of the dashboard.  

“No no no no no no…” Quentin was moaning, his voice rising in fear, desperately trying to jam his keys into the ignition, failing in his panic.  “And this is when the truck won’t start, oh god, oh god please not again…”

“Quentin, we’re okay.  It’s dark, but we’re not… we’re not un-safe.  I promise…”

And then the scratching started.

[qm-vox]

Let The World Never Falter - Playing Paladins in D&D

(Pictured: Anastasia Luxan, Knight of the Tainted Cup, one of only two people in her friend group that are not evil-aligned. Her wife Aisling is not the other good-aligned person. Characters are from my novel Mourners: Scum of Shatterdown; art credit goes to J.D)

Paladins are one of Dungeons and Dragons’ most striking, and most controversial, character classes. Few character classes and character concepts capture the imagination as quickly or start arguments of such ferocity. I’ve been in this game awhile - I remember when D&D 3e was released - and paladins have been one of my most loved and most hated parts of D&D and its legacy systems that entire time. So here I am again, about to write a long-ass article offerin’ my perspective on paladins through the ages (hopefully highlighting the strongest parts of each vision of them), talk about their pitfalls and problematic elements, and offer some advice on bringing your own paladin to life.

While this article draws on my long experience with D&D and will be citing specific sources, it would not be possible without the help of some other people in my life. I mention Afroakuma a lot in the context of D&D, and our friendship has once again been invaluable here. @a-world-unmasked , also one of my oldest friends, has long been a source of ethical discussion and debate, especially about thorny questions of justice & mercy, amends, redemption, and punishment, and provided information on D&D 4e’s paladins and paladin-like classes. SSG Jacob Karpel, United States Army, brought a Jewish perspective on paladins and their themes into my life and has borne questions of faith, dogma, and tradition with remarkable enthusiasm and patience. @swiftactionrecovery provided further perspective on D&D 4e, and her current paladin (”paladin”; it’s complicated), Aurora, is a great example of a non-traditional take that is at the same time very on-brand. Emerald has long provided the service of beating my ass when I start getting stupid about my own values and beliefs, and @ahr42p‘s fascination with fantasy ethics has informed a lot of my own thoughts on the same. None of this would be possible without you folks.

This article’s title is drawn from Maverick Hunter Quest, written by Cain Labs & Hunter Command. It appears as the motto of the 10th Urban Unit; dedicated soldiers whose specialty was preserving lives, preventing collateral damage, and steering disasters away from the innocent.

None of my articles are quite complete without Content Warnings; the following will contain mentions and descriptions of violence (including state-sanctioned violence such as executions), mentions of high crimes such as slavery and forced conversion, discussion of religion in both fictional and non-fictional contexts, and discussion of fascism and fascist ideology. It is also the end result of more than 20 years of both passionate love for paladins and equally passionate hatred of the same. If you’re wondering what some of that has to do with paladins...well, you’re in for a ride.

So, without further ado, let’s get into...

The Order Of The Kitchen Table - Paladins Through D&D’s History

I hope you like walls of text because I am about to fuck you up with some.

D&D and Pathfinder have a long history with paladins, and they’ve changed a lot through the ages. The following is an overview of the different editions of paladins, what each introduced, and their strengths & weaknesses as a vision of paladinhood. Though the advice in this article is weighted towards 3.PF and 5e, it should in theory be applicable to any of these editions; I should also note that while Pathfinder 2e has its own version of paladins, I am not familiar enough with its vision of paladins to be able to speak on it in good faith. Let’s start with the oldest first, shall we?

AD&D 1e & 2e: Rise A Knight - 1e and 2e were fucking wild. The original incarnation of the paladin showed up as a sub-class of the cavalier, a warrior-group class which had an aura of courage, rode a horse, and had other ‘knightly’ abilities. Paladins had to be a cut above and beyond cavaliers, but unless they also violated the code of the cavaliers in addition to the paladin code, they would become cavaliers when they Fell rather than fighters, which was a bit of a better spot to be in. These paladins were very specifically part of the military arm of a feudal state, with all that entails, and had restrictions on what they could wear and what weapons they could use that were rooted in their social status. In point of fact, in 1e? Paladins couldn’t use missile weapons at all; bows, crossbows, and their kin were for “peasants”. These paladins had to tithe 10% of all income to a ‘worthy’ institution (usually a Lawful Good church of some kind, but other examples include hospitals, charitable initiatives, orphanages, and monasteries), had sharp limits on how many magical items they could own & of what kind, and were beholden to a strict code of conduct rooted in medieval feudalism & romantic ideals of chivalry. While the very original paladin had many of the iconic powers associated with them today (laying on hands, curing disease, an affinity for holy swords), it was not until AD&D 1e proper that paladins developed the ability to cast spells for themselves.

AD&D 2e’s vision of paladins was similar in many ways; they had the same powers, similar ability score requirements, and were similarly rare and elite. They had wealth limits, had to tithe from their income, could only own certain numbers and kinds of magical items, and had to be of Lawful Good alignment. Where things get interestingly different here is who becomes a paladin, and why. In both editions, only humans could be paladins, but where 1e required paladins to be drawn from or else become nobility (because they were derived from cavalier, which was all about status), 2e opened up many origins for paladins. The majority of these can be found in The Complete Paladin’s Handbook, just under 130 pages of nothing but paladins. Reading that book is a fucking trip; it was published in 1994, and while I am not gonna pretend that it’s woke or unproblematic, it has some stunningly modern takes. Do you expect to open up an old D&D supplement about paladins and find it defending poly relationships as valid? NEITHER DID I.

It’s important to note that in both of these editions, paladins lacked magical avenues of attack entirely; Smite Evil was a later invention, and paladin spells, in addition to coming online late in their career (9th level), were sharply restricted to a specific list that included no offensive magic whatsoever. Therefore, any paladin origin had to explain from whence one’s martial skills came, since you are in many ways a warrior more than anything else. There’s some expected ones; religious patronage, which ignores social status but requires an organized church that’s permitted to raise men under arms. Government sponsorship, generally conducted in urban areas where you can actually retain recruiters. Inherited title, if you wanna run a paladin that really hates Mom for forcing them into this. Mentors, for running paladins that are just straight-up shonen protagonists, and my personal favorite, DIVINE INTERVENTION, where one day your god starts talking to you but instead of filling your soul with martial skill she makes you sew training weights into your clothes and miraculously makes a bear live in your house so you can learn courage. It’s fucking amazing.

From those origins, anyone who manages to swear their oath and become invested with the power is essentially part of the nobility from then on; paladinhood marks them as an exemplar of noble ideals, which even in a non-romanticized culture sorta grabs the bluebloods by the short hairs. It’s a bit hard to argue divine right if you try to throw the embodiment of your supposed ideals out of your house. Since these paladins were often, though not necessarily, members of militant organizations they were generally expected to have superiors to whom they answer, a chain of command of which they are part, and to eventually construct a stronghold of some kind and put its services at the disposal of that organization in addition to utilizing it to serve the needy and defend the weak. 2e was a lawless and strange time in D&D, in which building such a stronghold and hiring followers was a class feature of warrior-group classes, and one of the paladin’s key benefits was the opportunity, but not the promise, to acquire some manner of holy sword, which which she gained powerful protections against evil that let her stand toe-to-toe with powerful spellcasters.

Tying all of this together was an in-depth exploration of the most complex and probably the most nuanced code published for paladins in any edition. Though the default was a rigid and inflexible code which defined acceptable behavior, associations, and even employees for the paladin, The Complete Paladin’s Handbook introduced an alternate method of handling code violations that ranked infractions by their severity & intent, and assigned penalties accordingly. Was it perfect? No. Not even a little. The Code was, is, and probably forever will be the most trash part of paladin. But it was a damn sight better than basically any incarnation before it, and most of them after. This code was broken down into (in order of importance), Strictures, Edicts, and Virtues. Strictures are the things a paladin must do and have simply to be a paladin; they must be Lawful Good, they must tithe to a worthy institution, they must abide by their wealth limits, and they must not associate (here meaning ‘serve, be friends with, or knowingly hire’) with evil people. Edicts are the commands of those to whom the paladin is sworn to obey; often this will be a church, a government, or both, but a paladin might instead or also swear to obey edicts given by their family, their mentor, their secular philosophy, or even their wider culture. Military commands and orders are edicts, but so are daily practices such as keeping a kosher diet, maintaining a family burial ground, or obeying a system of formal etiquette. A paladin freely chooses the source of her edicts, but once she’s sworn to obey she cannot selectively turn down a given edict unless it would conflict with one of her Strictures (for instance, if her king orders her to beat a helpless prisoner) or with a ‘higher’ source of Edicts (in general, a paladins religion or philosophy takes precedence over her liege or mentor, who in turn takes precedence over family or culture).

Virtues are where we get real interesting. Lemme quote The Complete Paladin’s Handbook, page 32:

Virtues are traits exemplifying the highest standards of morality, decency, and duty. They comprise the paladin’s personal code. Although not specifically detailed in the PH definition of a paladin, a paladin’s virtues are implied by his strictures as well as his outlook, role, and personality. Just as a paladin must obey his strictures, he must also remain true to his virtues.

Though most paladins adhere to all of the virtues described below, exceptions are possible. For instance, a paladin from a primitive society may be so unfamiliar with civilized etiquette that including courtesy as part of his ethos would be unreasonable. All adjustments must be cleared by the DM at the outset of a paladin’s career.

No system was attached to virtue ‘violations’, because they weren’t oaths to keep as such. Rather, virtues represented commitments to a paladin’s ideals and worldviews; they were the behaviors and values which someone serious about being a paladin would live by because that’s the kind of person they are. They were very Christian and very European in nature, tied up in Catholic ideas of knighthood from which paladins as a class were originally drawn, but there’s definitely a point to be made here. If you don’t walk your talk, can you call yourself a paragon? We’re gonna get into this specific topic more later in the article, when I start discussing other the virtues extolled by other kinds of warriors, but the ones listed and expanded on in this book are as follows:

Fealty - A paladin swears loyalty and service to, at minimum, a faith or philosophy that is lawful good in nature. This forms the foundation of her convictions and informs the kind of good she tries to do in the world. A paladin remains conscious of the fact that she is seen as an embodiment of those ideals, takes joy in her service, and pays respect to those to whom she has sworn her troth. Notably, this is not classic feudal fealty; a paladin swears service to institutions, not people, with some exceptions (generally in the form of paladins who swear fealty to their mentors).

Courtesy - Paladins strive to show respect by following social customs, being polite and well-mannered, and treating even enemies with dignity. A paladin responds to insults with grace, considers the feelings of others, and does not stoop to insults or slander. Remember the Kingsmen gentleman rules? That. This is just that.

Honesty - A paladin speaks the truth as she knows it. She is free to withhold information (especially from enemies), and may state that she would prefer not to answer when asked questions - or that she is ordered, enjoined, or otherwise required not to answer, if that is the truth - but does not intentionally mislead or deceive others. If you ask your paladin friend a question and they say they would rather not answer, think real hard about how bad you want their opinion.

Valor - Paladins display courage in battle. Given a choice between many enemies, a paladin chooses the most dangerous. If someone has to take a risk to defend the innocent, cover a retreat, or ensure the success of the mission, the paladin volunteers for that risk. A paladin only retreats from battle to fulfill a higher part of her ethos.

Honor - A paladin conducts herself with integrity even when no one is watching or when it is of no benefit to herself. She shows mercy, refuses to inflict undue suffering even on such wretched beings as demons, does not cheat or cut corners, and does not compromise her principles. The description of the virtue of honor contains the rawest line in the entire book: “It is an admirable act to comfort a dying friend, but an act of honor to comfort a dying enemy.”

The above are the ‘universal’ virtues a paladin is meant to embody. The book briefly touches on the idea that a paladin might also choose to uphold other virtues and work them into her Code of Ennoblement, the ceremony by which she is invested with the power of a paladin...or isn’t. The sample ‘bonus’ virtues provided are humility, chastity, celibacy, and my absolute favorite, industry, in which you swear to have no chill at all, ever, until the day you finally die, and instead spend all of your waking moments in some effort of self-improvement or work such as reading, building houses for the needy, repairing tools & equipment, and otherwise being completely incompetent in the art of self-care. It’s great, I absolutely love it.

Together, this code and the paladin’s abilities present a vision of classical knighthood, something like, oh...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35GUTY_Gr14

That. A defender and paragon of medieval virtues, who lives to help others.

“Alright Vox, surely you’re reaching the end of AD&D 2e now?” you ask. “We’ve been through the mechanics, we’ve been through the vision of paladins as members of feudal states who are figuratively and legally ennobled by righteousness, we’ve even gone into more detail about the code than was strictly necessary. 3e time right?” AFRAID NOT, MY WILD RIDE DOES NOT END. AD&D 2e didn’t have feats, didn’t really have spell selection in this context, and while it had a sort of skill system (the Proficiency system, greatly utilized and suggested by The Complete Paladin’s Handbook) that was hardly a way to make one paladin feel mechanically distinct from others. So how did players do that? Ability score rolls and loot drops?

Nope! We had Kits.

Kits modify a class or multiclass combo (not relevant to this article, but as a f’rinstance, the original Bladesinger was an elf-only Fighter/Mage kit found in The Complete Book of Elves); they give it additional features and additional restrictions. They could, but did not always, have ability score requirements above and beyond the typical ones for their class, and they might also have backstory or roleplaying requirements. A kit might who your character is in the society of the game world, the abilities they brought to the adventuring party, or both. Like Pathfinder’s Archetypes, some kits would strip abilities from the standard class, but not all of them did so.

So what did paladin kits do? In short, they changed the kind of knight you were. An Errant, for instance, is kept on a long leash by their liege and does not often have to fulfill edicts - but in exchange, she’s on her own and cannot expect funding from the state. Ghosthunters, who specialize in the destruction of the undead, gain the power to dispel evil, immunity to paralysis, turn undead just as well as a cleric does, and get access to a holy sword a minimum of 2 levels earlier - but they can’t lay hands, cure disease, cast priest spells, or enjoy immunity to disease. Inquisitors (I know) are paladins who see magic as a good and benevolent force, which is corrupted - profaned, even - by the practice of evil magic; they’re similar to ghosthunters in a lot of ways, but also represent an organized philosophy. The Complete Paladin’s Handbook has 22 pages of kits for standard paladin alone, which you can mix and match to create your own unique take on the concept, plus information on “demi-paladins” - non-human fighter/clerics who slowly gain paladin powers in addition to their own. This was back in the day when certain races just could not be good at certain classes due to level restrictions or being unable to take those classes in the first place, but here was the first glimmer of D&D confronting some of its own bullshit; before this book, the implication was that no non-human race was moral enough to be a paladin.

There’s so much more in this book but I’m not gonna get into all of it or this article’s just gonna be a review of one supplement; if you can get your hands on a PDF or even a hard copy, I highly suggest it as a read. It’s not that I endorse its vision for paladins as being the best or as being objectively correct, because I don’t; the potential of paladins is much broader than this narrow vision of Christian feudalism. It’s that no other book, before or after, has paid such loving attention to who paladins are in the game world, including thought given to details like their mortality rate (paladins that manage to survive to 40 are forcibly retired in the hopes that they can teach the youngbloods to do the same), the economics of knighthood, meta-commentary about how the class’s aesthetic and presentation is built to enhance themes about the game and the setting, and even a chapter on weaving faith into your game world and thinking about your paladin’s relationship to her own. The great strength of AD&D 2e’s paladins is that they, more than any others, have this loving care devoted to them that makes them feel like a real part of the worlds in which they live, and their great weakness is a vision that is more narrow than it wanted to be. You can see the author grasping for something broader, something more inclusive, only for it to slip between his fingers.

D&D 3.5: Up From The Gutter - Ah, D&D 3.5, the demon that will not die. This game spawned a million spin-offs and heartbreakers, love for it contributed to the rise of Pathfinder, and it remains incredibly popular and played. It’s also garbage, but c’est la vie, c’est la morte. Its vision of paladin is not as detailed as AD&D 2e’s was, and its main innovations were mechanical in nature. However, 3.5 did offer some in-depth explorations on what it means to be Good-aligned that previous editions did not, and given the context that’s about to be important to talk about.

3.5′s vision of paladin mechanics was remarkably similar to 2e’s, with the most notable change being race selection (anyone can now be a paladin as long as they’re Lawful Good) and the addition of Smite Evil, which can be used a certain number of times per day to gain more accuracy and damage when attacking evil-aligned creatures. Paladins are still warriors, they still cure disease, lay on hands, detect evil, and own a horse; in other words, they barely changed. Unfortunately, the game changed, and this left paladins high and dry. I’m not gonna mince words: for most of 3.5′s run, paladins lagged so far behind in terms of combat prowess, skill selection, and general utility that they were essentially unplayable, including and in some ways especially against classic foes such as demons and dragons.

I’m not gonna get into why, because that is a separate and much angrier article that will spark a lot of controversy due to people who run their ignorant mouths like they know what the fuck they’re talking about, not that I’m bitter. The relevant part of this is that over 3.5′s run, paladin did in fact slowly improve. The Serenity feat, published in Dragon 306, (and much more easily available to you in Dragon Compendium) helped clean up the dizzying amount of attributes upon which they were dependent. Battle Blessing (Champions of Valor) made it easier to incorporate their native spellcasting into their play (though nothing ever quite solved their sharply limited spell slots), and Sword of the Arcane Order (Champions of Valor again) both opened up an alternate vision of paladins as a different kind of magical knight & offered broader utility in paladin’s spell list. The Prestige Paladin in Unearthed Arcana converted paladin from a base class to a prestige class, which let you build it off of more mechanically viable classes - further enhancing your ability to customize your paladin, especially since as a PrC you could stop taking Prestige Paladin at any time you felt you were sufficiently knightly. Access to these and other options eventually made paladin, if not good, at least viable, able to be played in most campaigns and pre-made adventures without undue worry or getting chumped out of basic encounters.

In all of their forms, these paladins still had a code. Observe:

Code of Conduct

A paladin must be of lawful good alignment and loses all class abilities if she ever willingly commits an evil act.

Additionally, a paladin’s code requires that she respect legitimate authority, act with honor (not lying, not cheating, not using poison, and so forth), help those in need (provided they do not use the help for evil or chaotic ends), and punish those who harm or threaten innocents.

Associates

While she may adventure with characters of any good or neutral alignment, a paladin will never knowingly associate with evil characters, nor will she continue an association with someone who consistently offends her moral code. A paladin may accept only henchmen, followers, or cohorts who are lawful good.

Ex-Paladins

A paladin who ceases to be lawful good, who willfully commits an evil act, or who grossly violates the code of conduct loses all paladin spells and abilities (including the service of the paladin’s mount, but not weapon, armor, and shield proficiencies). She may not progress any farther in levels as a paladin. She regains her abilities and advancement potential if she atones for her violations (see the atonement spell description), as appropriate.

Like a member of any other class, a paladin may be a multiclass character, but multiclass paladins face a special restriction. A paladin who gains a level in any class other than paladin may never again raise her paladin level, though she retains all her paladin abilities.

You know all the horror stories you’ve read of DMs maliciously making paladins Fall, or miscommunications in groups leading to alignment arguments? The ones about youth-pastor paladin characters sucking all the fun out of a party? Meet the culprit. 3.5 did not have The Complete Paladin’s Handbook’s discussion on same-paging with your group to prevent these problems, and this vague code wording paired with immediate and extreme consequences didn’t do it any favors. That’s not to say that this code is unworkable, exactly, but trying to sit down and agree with 4-6 other adults on what ‘gross violations’ actually means is essentially the world’s shittiest round of Apples to Apples and your reward for it is resenting the character you just built.

And that’s the paladin part, which means we have to get into the “being good-aligned” part. Lemme tell you about Book of Exalted Deeds, a historically significant garbage fire of a book that is somehow both the best supplement released about Good and the worst supplement released about Good at the same time.

For those of you with the fortune to have never played 3.5, its books are like that a lot.

So, bad parts first: all the mechanics. Just all of them. The prestige classes? Bad. The feats? Generally bad. The redemption rules revolving around Diplomacy? Sloppy. Magic items? Bad. Spells? Look up an online discussion about sanctify the wicked and then get back to me on that one; they’re bad too. Ravages and afflictions (good-aligned poisons and diseases) were a bad idea that were also a case of stunning hypocrisy from a book whose stance was that dealing ability score damage is ‘needless cruelty’. Even the write-ups for the planar NPCs kinda make them into these basic bitch pushovers, which, you guessed it, is bad. There’s a lot to say against this book and you can find someone saying it in most open web forums if you want to take a journey into the godawful design of the liminal space between 3.0 and 3.5.

But the good stuff was real good. D&D had/has long been stalked by ‘ethical dilemmas’ such as the so-called Goblin Baby Problem, where players would ask if it’s good to let goblin children live since they would only grow up to become goblin adults. Book of Exalted Deeds was the first D&D publication to make a hard stance against racial genocide (hell of a sentence, I know), and it doubled down on The Complete Paladin Handbook’s implied stance that all forms of romance and sexuality are valid as long as they’re between consenting adults that respect one another. BoED strove to define Good not just as the avoidance of evil (”The utter avoidance of evil is, at best, neutral.”) but as actively striving to respect life, practice altruism, and make the world a better and more just place. While its take on ideas like forgiveness, redemption, and justice were not necessarily perfect, it went out of its way to try to offer nuanced takes on those ideas and to note emphatically that practices such as slavery and racism do not become good just because certain historical cultures thought they were at the time.

The other notable thing that Book of Exalted Deeds did for the idea of a Good alignment was firmly state on the record that NG and CG are just as valid and Good as LG is. The existence of paladins and their alignment-locked nature had long implied that Lawful Good was the “best” Good, or the “most” Good, but Book of Exalted Deeds didn’t just introduce material for characters that were paragons of other Good alignments, it provided examples of such characters in action. D&D is still somewhat stalked by that “Law is Good and Good is Lawful” problem, but BoED and other books in its niche (notably including Heroes of Horror - I know, it doesn’t sound like it but trust me - and Champions of Valor) helped push back against that problem and open the floor to other heroes.

I wouldn’t be wholly done talking about 3.5 paladins without mentioning Unearthed Arcana, which introduced the paladin of freedom (CG), paladin of tyranny (LE), and paladin of slaughter (CE). Their hearts were in the right place here, but all three of them were...better ideas than executions, as it were, without much to talk about for them. Still, they make good examples of 3.5′s great strength in paladins: breadth of concept. Ideas that were previously impossible as paladins became commonplace, including paladin-like characters who were not members of the class and which I would absolutely consider paladins myself. It didn’t stick the landing on the mechanics, but that’s just 3.5 for you; if you weren’t a dedicated spellcaster, chances are you were gonna have some manner of bad time. This idea of paladins from all walks of life, from all levels of society and all peoples, has become a cherished part of the popular conception of paladins and it absolutely should be brought forward to other editions.

Which, honestly? It was.

Pathfinder 1e: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back - Pathfinder 1e’s baseline paladin release was essentially 3.5′s in many ways. The key mechanical differences were a revamped Smite Evil (which finally made it effective against its intended targets), the aura line of abilities that begin adding additional effects beyond Aura of Courage at 8th level and up, and Mercies - riders for the paladin’s Lay on Hands ability that cause it to also cure status effects, which in turn greatly enhances the paladin’s utility as a support class. Pathfinder also cleaned up some of 3.5′s attribute problems by orienting all of paladin’s magical abilities to Charisma instead of splitting between Wisdom and Charisma. Another small but significant note is the alteration from ‘gross’ violations of the code to any violation of the code. “Gee Vox, that doesn’t sound like it would really help code problems,” you say, to which I reply: it absolutely fucking did not.

Once we leave core, we get quite a few quality-of-life improvements. Though Pathfinder 1e lacks Battle Blessing, it replicates some of its effects by having many swift-action spells in-house for paladin, notably including the Litany line. Pathfinder’s archetype system for class customization offers options for the paladin that further customize its concept, though on the balance it’s harder to mix and match archs than it was to do so with kits. Archetypes always trade something, so in taking an arch you will lose some part of the base paladin kit and gain something which replaces it.

Narratively, things get more specific outside of core as well. Paizo’s one-and-only setting, Golarion, is one in which paladins must swear fealty to a specific god they serve above all others, and their power is derived directly from that god, who can grant or withhold it as they see fit. These gods (generally LN, LG, or NG in alignment, though certain specific CG deities sponsor paladins who must still be LG themselves) offer their own codes of conduct, which their paladins must follow. A paladin may be obligated to oppose ‘heresy’ as vigorously as chaos or evil, which is an awkward fucking feel, and paladins in Golarion’s setting can be found working for organizations such as the Hellknights, or in the armed forces of nations that practice slavery and forced conversion. That’s not to imply that they’re not also depicted in unambiguously good contexts, but when it comes to establishing paladins (or, well...anyone...) as good-aligned people Paizo has a bad habit of dropping the ball.

Like 3.5, the great strength of the Pathfinder 1e paladin is customization, and in this case a more solid mechanical base in comparison to the rest of the game. Pathfinder similarly flounders in that its vision of paladins is narrow and not fully realized in the game world.

Discussion of Pathfinder 1e’s paladin wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the Anti-Paladin, the only “alternate class” to see mechanical support beyond its initial publication. Baseline anti-paladins must be chaotic evil and have abilities that are the inverse of the baseline paladin; similarly, anti-paladin has archetypes available that change it to different kinds and methods of evil. It has its fans, and in terms of playability it’s as good, if not a little better, than paladin, but on the whole I tend to break on the side of thinking that Good and Evil are not mirror images of one another, and thus an anti-paladin is inappropriate as an idea. At least, one done in this way, as an explicit reaction to a supposed paragon of virtue, as things are about to get real interesting in...

D&D 4e: The Knight Unshackled - D&D 4e built off of the foundations laid down by the Book of Exalted Deeds and Unearthed Arcana by completely removing all alignment restrictions from both paladin and its counterpart class, blackguard. This section will also need to talk about cousin classes to paladin; specifically, the Avenger and the Invoker. Let’s start from the top, shall we?

Paladins in 4e are predicament dommes defenders; they use their abilities to place Marks on enemies, who then suffer damage if they choose to engage someone other than the paladin (all defenders in 4e force choices of a similar nature, though the penalty for failing to make the ‘right’ choice is not necessarily damage). In 4e, paladins are not granted their power by gods, nor are they empowered by their faith in righteousness alone; in point of fact, 4e paladins have no restrictions on their alignment whatsoever and are the first paladins to be open in this way. Instead, a paladin in D&D 4e is invested with power in rites kept secret by individual churches. Once invested, that’s it, no take-backs; the paladin remains a paladin even if they forsake that church entirely. The other classes I’m gonna talk about - avenger, blackguard, and invoker - are similarly invested, with invoker being the exception in how they get invested, but not in their no-takebacks status.

So, what powers a paladin after that investiture? Virtue; specifically, caring about others in some way. An LG paladin empowered by their belief in justice might be a classic knight in shining armor, defending her allies in righteousness’s name, but an LE paladin empowered by the same virtue might easily turn totalitarian, determined to establish justice no matter who has to suffer and die. In this model, evil-aligned paladins are those who care too much about something, to the point where they trample and harm others to see it fulfilled.

Paladin’s inverse, blackguard, is a striker class focused on direct damage. They gain their power through vice, inward-facing desires such as greed, selfishness, lust, or five pounds of nachos in one meal (don’t @ me). Blackguards are also not restricted by alignment. A classically selfish blackguard, out for their own power and safety, might be an amoral mercenary who kills because they can’t be bothered not to, but a good-aligned blackguard who’s selfish is, well, Tiffany Aching: protecting the world because it’s her world and how dare you fucking touch it.

Avengers have more in common with barbarians than paladins, but are notable here for their commonalities with paladin as a divine warrior concept, and also for having bones in with the later Oath of Vengeance concept in D&D 5e. Avengers are invested to smite the enemies of their church; they tap into their power by swearing an oath against specific enemies, and then dissociate until those enemies in particular are dead at their feet. Are you really into Alexander Anderson from Hellsing? Do you want to explore the terrible consequences of power, consequences that might not have been clear when you signed up to become an avenger? This could be for you.

Lastly we have invokers, the odd duck out. They are ranged controllers who fight with pure divine power. Invokers are created directly by gods, but unlike the previous three have no associations with churches; instead, their job is to look out for threats to all of existence and make sure that they don’t happen. Even evil-aligned gods create and tend to respect invokers, because you can’t conquer the world and rule it as its Dread Master if there’s no world left to rule. Because invokers are invested by gods directly, they tend to have a lot in common with the divine intervention paladin origin mentioned waaaaay up there in the 2e section; you’re minding your own business when one day God goes “TIME TO LEARN HOW TO SAVE THE WORLD” and that’s just your life now.

D&D 4e’s paladins and paladin-like classes fully realize the breadth of concepts and characters that paladins could fulfill; they offer intriguing possibilities for roleplaying, engaging character and plot hooks, and mechanically distinct interpretations of divine power. In unshackling paladins from alignment, 4e opens them up to questions of heroism, conviction, and belief that were in many ways previously closed, especially because paladins in other editions were often made to Fall for asking those questions. Their big weakness is, well, being in 4e. It’s not that D&D 4e is a bad game - in many ways it’s the most honest edition of D&D, and certainly the most tightly-designed - but rather that 4e’s context is highly specific. It can be hard to find players or DMs familiar with it, might be frustrating to gain access to its books, and once you do adapting its material requires significant narrative changes if you remove it from the context of the Points of Light setting.

D&D 5e: This I Vow - D&D 5e’s paladin is, in many ways, a combination of and refinement upon previous elements. Like 4e’s, it is not restricted by alignment (though the three Oaths in core do suggest particular alignments). Like 3.5′s paladin, it combines magical power with martial skill, though 5e’s paladin is both more overtly magical and gains access to better spells, faster, than its predecessor. Though the paladin gains some warrior-type abilities (notably including their choice of Fighting Style and the Extra Attack feature), the majority of their abilities are supernatural in nature, including Lay On Hands (in the form of a pool of hit points that can also be expended to remove poisons and diseases), immunity to disease, an array of defensive and utility spells (as well as the Smite line for bursts of damage), a Divine Smite that trades spells for damage directly, and native auras that protect the paladin’s allies as well as herself. Their defining feature, however, is the Oath they select at third level, which defines what sort of paladin they are.

Your selection of Sacred Oath nets your paladin 2 utility abilities at 3rd level, an additional aura at 7th, a strong upgrade of some kind at 15th, and a capstone at 20th that neither you nor any other living being will ever see because 5e campaigns barely get to 14th, God forbid 20th. Each Oath also provides a set of tenets that you are meant to live up to, but unlike previous incarnations of a Code of Conduct 5e’s relationship to these tenets is more...human. The following passage is from the Player’s Handbook, page 83 (”Creating A Paladin”):

As guardians against the forces of wickedness, paladins are rarely of any evil alignment. Most of them walk the paths of charity and justice. Consider how your alignment colors the way you pursue your holy quest and the manner in which you conduct yourself before gods and mortals. Your oath and alignment might be in harmony, or your oath might represent standards of behavior you have not yet attained.

Emphasis mine.

The baseline assumption for 5e’s paladins are believers in righteousness, whose faith in virtue empowers them to protect the weak, but more than any other edition, 5e recognizes that paladins are still people, who have flaws, strengths, and ambitions. Its Background system helps flesh out your character both mechanically and narratively, and material presented both in the Player’s Handbook and Xanathar’s Guide to Everything encourage you to think about the things that drive and oppose your paladin. Importantly, though the books say that evil paladins are rare, no actual alignment restriction on paladins exist, which opens up some interesting possibilities in terms of character creation. We’ll get more into that down the article a bit, when I talk about same-paging and refluffing.

Because Oaths come with both mechanics and an ethos, there is a strong incentive to create new Oaths for 5e if you want to embody a new ethos, but this may not always be strictly necessary. Additionally, the Player’s Handbook implies that paladins who flagrantly fail or abandon their oaths might become Oathbreakers (Dungeon Master’s Guide, page 97, under “Villain Options”), but this too may not be the correct move, especially in cases where a paladin abandons one set of high ideals for a different, but no lower, form of belief. We’ll get into that later too.

5e’s paladins are in the best mechanical position they’ve ever been in; they’re one of the strongest classes in the game line, easy to build and play, and difficult to fuck up. They have strong thematics with their abilities and especially their Oaths, and the way 5e encourages you to make your characters helps you realize them as people in the game world. The great weakness of this vision of paladins is customization; 5e lacks player options in many senses, and quite a few of those options are gated behind rules that may not be in use (such as Feats). It can be difficult, in many cases, to make two paladins of the same Oath feel different when the dice hit the table.

And at long last, we have finished the establishing-context section of this article, and can move on to the actual fucking article. I did warn you, way up top, that you were in for a ride.

Raise Thy Sword - Paladins At Your Table

The following section is meant to help you in making and fleshing out a paladin concept to play or even to use as an NPC. Most of the advice will be edition-agnostic; advice that isn’t will be marked as such. Also covered herein will be the related topics of same-paging, refluffing, and the common pitfalls that paladins have fallen into over the years (and how to avoid them).

Same-Paging - In Which We Communicate Like Adults

Same-paging is the practice of talking to your group in a way that helps set mutual expectations, and it’s something every RPG group should strive to do regardless of the system they’re playing in. You’ve probably done this to an extent before, as part of being pitched a game (”We’re going to do a dungeon crawl through the deadly halls of Undermountain”), during character creation, and the like. In the specific case of paladins, you want to talk to your group and DM about topics like alignment & alignment restrictions, your code of conduct or oath, and whether or not the group wants to handle things like ethical dilemmas and moral quandaries. Though paladins are famous for those last two, they’re certainly not a requirement; you can just as easily play a paladin in a campaign like Expedition to Undermountain or Princes of the Apocalypse where there is a very clear bad guy who needs to be stopped with enormous applications of violence and guile. However your group wants to play it is fine, but you want to be sure everyone’s on board for it and that you’re ready to rock. If your group signs on for a kick-in-the-door dungeon crawl and then the DM decides to make you pass a series of ethics tests, that DM is an asshole; likewise, if you agree that you want to explore the morals at the heart of your paladin’s ethos and then you just don’t do that, you’re causing the problem.

Who Is Your Deity, And What Does She Do? - Making Your Paladin

Once you and your group have communicated your expectations to each other (and, again, same-paging is something all groups should be doing regularly, not just ones in which you want to play a paladin), it’s finally time to start sketching out your concept! There’s many ways to start this, and while I personally tend to start at the roleplaying end (with ideas about who they are as a person and the themes I want to explore with them), starting with mechanical ideas, with questions, or even with specific dramatic scenes in mind, are also viable. That is to say, “I’m interested in how Aura of the Guardian (Xanathar’s Guide to Everything, page 39) can help me play a damage mitigation tank,” is just as valid as, “Kass, my character, was lifted from a life of crime by a paladin who reformed her neighborhood and campaigned against a corrupt system, and she’s striving to become a paladin in his image.” That said, if there’s one thing D&D and its related communities are good at it’s mechanical guides, so I’m not gonna try and write one here. We’d be here all day; instead, the following questions are things to consider for fleshing out your paladin’s backstory, personality, and goals.

Why did you become a paladin? The origins of your paladin will probably color how they think of their virtues, as well as how they think of evil. A beaten-down girl from the slums understands that kicking the shit out of muggers doesn’t give the downtrodden food, medicine, or roofs that don’t leak, while the third son of a noble family is in a position to understand the damage done by corrupt leaders and faithless lords. In addition to your background and home life, think about what motivated your character to become a paladin specifically. Were they mentored by an older paladin who saw potential in them? Recruited by the militant arm of a church? Did they grow up with stories of paladins and yearn to become the sort of person those stories were written about, or were they, perhaps, seemingly called to paladinhood without much conscious understanding of what it was?

Where did you learn to fight? Paladins are warriors, and even a paladin that Falls (for those campaigns that use Falling as a concept) remains a warrior. 5e paladins, the most overtly magical of all the available options, still spend a lot of time randomizing the atoms of evil with sharpened metal, and that’s a skill you only get through training and dedication. Who taught your paladin to fight? What’s their relationship with that teacher or organization, and how did it shape their ideas about violence? We all catch things off of our teachers, and your paladin’s instructor in combat will, for better or worse, be as big an influence on their life and ideals as their faith and family are. Don’t be afraid to get wild here; AD&D 2e had full-blown godly training montages where the voice of a god ran you through drills, and paladins join warlocks and sorcerers for being fertile ground for some of the weirdest shit. Did you fight daily duels against a stained glass knight only you could see? Did you find a scimitar in the gutter and pick it up to defend your friends from gangs? Were you bankrolled by an old man who later turned out to be a lich, whose motives you still don’t understand? Live your best Big Ham life if that’s the life you wanna live, this is the class for it.

How do you imagine good and evil? What does your paladin’s vision of a Good world look like? What is the face of wickedness that comes to mind when they’re asked to think of Evil? A knight from a kingdom plagued by portals to the Abyss is going to think of both of these things very differently from a gutter rat whose ascension came with a prosthetic hand to replace the one she lost to gangrene, to say nothing of differences in ideals when one factors in Law and Chaos. Your paladin doesn’t have to be perfect, or even, honestly, correct. Your classic ‘noble, but kind of a dick’ paladin (such as Corran d’Arcy in the novelization of Pool of Radiance: Ruins of Myth Drannor, who we’re gonna talk about more later because he’s a weirdly great example of an adventuring paladin) thinks of evil as evildoers, who must be Brought To Justice, which while not entirely wrong is lacking in important nuance. He may conflate manners with virtue, or allow his prejudices to color who he does and doesn’t think of as ‘good’, but that doesn’t change his fundamental desire to Do Good - a desire that could be the catalyst for personal growth. A flawed understanding of virtue and wickedness could be a great character arc for your paladin, especially if it dovetails with the themes of the campaign.

What do you enjoy? Paladins are still people (shocking, I know) and people tend to have hobbies, preferences, and goals. Xanathar’s Guide to Everything has some nice material to quickly flesh out some of those aspects of your paladin (a personal goal, a vice that tempts them, a nemesis that dogs their footsteps), and I highly encourage you to think about such things as well. Does your paladin crave glory, wealth, or revenge? What sort of things do they turn to when they want comfort, or to have a good time? Do they still practice a trade from their youth, such as painting or blacksmithing? The archetype of a knight looking for their true love (or at least a series of whirlwind romances that always seem to end in someone’s bedroom) is a staple, of course. These things don’t necessarily need to be sinister temptations that lead you away from justice; they can just be nice things you like, or comforts that sustain you in your long fight against evil.

How do you relate to your faith? Many settings (notably including Forgotten Realms & Points of Light in D&D, and Golarion in Pathfinder) explicitly link paladins to churches and patron deities, and even in ones where this explicit link does not exist you see paladins who fight in the name of their faiths, serve in the militant arm of their churches, and otherwise seek to live their lives in accordance with their religion. D&D’s history is also full of paladins whose relationship to their faith is more distant, more questioning, or even outright rebellious. In Eberron, for instance, a paladin might dedicate herself to the Kraken - an evil god embodying sea monsters and catastrophes - with her understanding of that faith being preventing monster attacks and protecting the innocent from hurricanes and tidal waves. A paladin might be retained by the Church of St. Cuthbert as a barometer for their own morality, trusted to leash his peers when their retribution grows out of hand & play the devil’s advocate against them, or a knight might simply try to live their lives in accordance with the ideals of beauty, joy, and wonder espoused by Sune Firehair, without being for or against the actual church. What or whom does your paladin believe in, and why? Remember as well that not all, or even most, faiths are particularly similar to Christianity, and as a result your paladin’s relationship to that faith might just be business as usual. A Jewish paladin arguing with God is Judaism working as intended; similarly, a paladin dedicated to the Aesir doesn’t get to act surprised when they come home one day and Freya is chilling in their bathtub with a glass of wine and a ‘small request’.

You Wouldn’t Download A Class Feature - Refluffing & You(r Paladin)

So: you’ve come up with your concept, you’ve asked yourself all the relevant questions, but damn, some things just seem to not be fitting. What do you do? It may be the case that refluffing - changing the flavor of a mechanical option to better fit your campaign or setting - may be the right move for you. Refluffing gets a lot of pushback from a certain school of tabletop gaming that believes the flavor of an option is part of its mechanical balance. These people are wrong and I encourage you not to associate with them, in particular because the first party publishers often refluff material for similar reasons. For instance, the setting of Eberron has ‘anything published in D&D has a home here’ as one of its meta-tenets, and in the process of giving many of those things a home it changed their identity. Those hordes of angry ancestor-worshiping elves? That’s refluffing elves. In 3.5 you can see explicit discussion of refluffing in Oriental Adventures, which...well...it’s a book that exists, let’s leave it at that. Oerth having an entire alternate Material Plane where all the mirror of opposition copies come from? Refluffing.

So, when do you refluff? An obvious example is when your group is comfortable with an option being on the table, but is not playing in the setting that option comes from (for instance, the Sword of the Arcane Order feat from Champions of Valor when you are not playing in the Forgotten Realms). Refluffing is also great for when the narrative you’re building for a character implies or requires certain mechanics, but the flavor of those mechanics does not fit that narrative. In the ancient past I briefly GMed a game where one of the PCs was a ‘barbarian’ - a mean-streets kid looking to make a better life for himself, whose Rage was just the fight-or-flight kicking in from living in the garbage parts of Waterdeep. The important things to keep in mind when you choose to refluff an option is to stay on the same page as the rest of your group, and also to not replace the original fluff with nothing; mechanics do help define flavor (they’re the tools with which you interact with the game world), but you still need some reason that your paladin casts wizard spells, or has the abilities of the Oath of Vengeance when the original version of that Oath doesn’t exist in this setting. A very common school of refluffing is changing the origins of one’s power; rather than pure faith, for instance, a paladin’s powers might come from her innate spiritual energy, or from the favor of kami rather than gods.

Refluffing is also great for playing paladins that don’t have levels in the class named paladin. This option is especially relevant in the context of 3.5 and Pathfinder, when it may be more suitable to the needs of the campaign for you to be playing a more powerful or versatile class. In this context, clerics especially make very competent ‘paladins’, as do wizards (you wouldn’t think so, but I’ve seen that campaign played), inquisitors, crusaders, and even druids depending on how your concept is. You don’t need Fall mechanics to follow a code, after all.

For What The World Could Be - Defining Your Paladin’s Ethos

More than almost any other aspect of the class, possessing and following an ethos has defined paladins through the ages. For many years, this was a very specific ethos based on European ideas of chivalry and Christian virtue, and there’s something to be said for it when done well (certainly the Arab warriors from whom Europeans acquired the code of chivalry were lauded for their honor and virtuous conduct, so at a bare minimum one set of folks following these ideals in the real world absolutely nailed it). This is not, however, the only set of high ideals to which a paladin might cleave or aspire, and many fine homebrewers, players, and dungeon masters out there have chosen to craft their own, or to represent their own beliefs in the game world. Many cultures throughout history and all over the world have retained elite warriors held to high standards of conduct, and those traditions are rife for representation as paladins.

I fully intend to provide some specific examples of ethea (evidently this is the plural of ‘ethos’, no I didn’t know that before I started writing this, yes it looks wrong to me too) beyond the ongoing D&D default, but before I do you may want to consider how your paladin relates to those high ideals. After all, these are virtues that your character holds dear, but not everyone does so in the same way. Does she believe that everyone would be better off if they tried to live up to her standards, or does she believe that only certain people should (or must) do so? Does she consider her virtues an impossible ideal, something to strive for rather than fulfill, or does she not harbor such doubts? Is your paladin an idealist, who believes in the power of Good in itself, or is she more cynical?

The answers to these questions don’t necessarily make your paladin less Good as a person. A warrior who believes that there’s always a selfish bastard reason to do the right thing, who sees Evil as suboptimal, could still be a paladin if they work to bring Good into the world. An idealist who still needs to learn about the real consequences of barging into complex problems in a morally complicated world is equally valid, to say nothing of just...playing a genuine in-the-bones Hero, here to Do The Right Thing. Each speaks to a different kind of virtue, and a different life that has led them to these choices, and each deserves their day in the sun. You might have a lot of fun playing someone whose view of what Good is, and why, is different from yours!

Some specific examples of ethea (god that looks so wrong) follow. For the sake of convenience I’m gonna skip anything that’s actually showed up in a paladin entry before, or I’m gonna be here until I die. I am also very much not a member of just about any of the cultures and/or religions I’m about to talk about, and while I have sought the advice and review of those who are, I’m not about to claim that I’m an expert. Any errors in what’s presented are mine, and not those of my friends & readers; I welcome correction and discussion.

Irish Celtic: Blood & Troth  - The ancient Celts were not a people shy about death, and excellence - skill, improvement, and genuine growth - in all of your crafts was one of their high virtues. In addition to excellence, a Celtic warrior was expected to be honest (to never tell a direct lie, and to keep all promises given), hospitable (to be a gracious host & and honorable guests, and defend the sanctity of the home), to be charitable with their skills and their worldly possessions (to give to the needy, defend the weak, and fight for the helpless), to display loyalty to their family, clan, and gods, and to be courageous. That last virtue is an interesting one, because it dovetails with excellence; it’s less about acting in spite of fear, and more about enjoying fearful situations and the call of battle. A paragon of Celtic warfare should love her job, perhaps even revel in it; she relishes combat and the mayhem of the killing fields. Paladins following these virtues are likely to be Chaotic in nature, skewing towards Chaotic Neutral as D&D thinks of these things, and prone to contemplation on concepts of obligation, truth, and the nature of political violence. The crows know that there is always a final answer to injustice.

Irish Celtic paladins are likely to look towards Fionn Mac Cumhaill as a role model; as warriors with magical powers of protection, defense, and healing, they would be valued as keepers of lore, wisdom, and art, more warrior-poet than berserker. If your paladin is part of a wider culture from which she derived this ethos, she was probably expected to both learn knowledge and pass it on to others, and to restrain more eager warriors in favor of cunning plans and clever tactics. Imagine the look on your party members’ faces when they meet your family and realize you’re the sane one; that’s the exact emotion you wanna look to create if you really want to bring this out in the classic vein.

Jewish: We Shall Serve The Lord  - Judaism places a lot of emphasis on the sanctity of life, restorative justice, and doing the good you can do here, and now, with what’s in front of you. Though there is no tradition of elite Jewish warriors in the vein of knights or samurai, Jewish citizens tend to serve under arms slightly more often (about 5% more often) than their countrymen, and defending the innocent & helpless is certainly one way to do good now. A Jewish paladin would be expected to uphold the sanctity of life (preservation of life is the highest calling; a Jew may do anything except deny God in order to preserve life), to practice the principle of Tikkun Olam (’repairing the world’, working actively to make the world around them a more just, peaceful, and pleasant one), to show compassion and generosity to others, to uphold and defend hospitality, to know the Torah and the Law, and, where necessary, to practice intelligent and purposed dissent and skepticism. In the context of D&D, such a character is not likely to be particularly scholarly (paladins haven’t needed a decent Intelligence score at any point in the class’s evolution), but they’re probably conversant in the techniques of reading and research, critical thinking, argument, and debate, if only through exposure. Jewish paladins are most likely to be Good, leaning Lawful, as D&D thinks of these things.

The Jewish ethos describes a set of minimum standards for a righteous person, the Noahide Laws, and greatly encourages you not to associate with any person or culture that can’t meet that standard. They’re honestly not hard to meet either; you basically have to not be a dick about God (don’t try to stop folks from worshiping, don’t spend your time mocking and blaspheming their faith), know that lying and murdering are wrong, don’t be a sexual predator, don’t eat animals that are still alive, and bother to establish a system of laws for self-rule. Though Judaism lacks an elite warrior tradition, you might look to people like Joshua, Judah Maccabee, or Solomon as inspirations for a Jewish paladin character; warriors known for their wisdom, determination, and and in many cases, self-sacrifice. Solomon is also notable as an example of someone who swore the Nazarite Oath, a promise to God to fulfill a mission or task, and to not rest until one has done so. Nazarites are held to higher standards than their peers, notably including the expectation that the object of their oath becomes their only goal until they get it done or die.

As stated before, I am not Jewish and while this information was provided to me by Jewish friends, it is far from complete. @oath-of-lovingkindness might be by to expand on it, if they’re comfortable doing so.

Kemetic Pagan: The Power Of Truth - It’s difficult to talk about how the ancient Kemetic faiths were practiced; there was a lot of strife between the various cults of the gods, sometimes backed by pharaohs who were willing to revise history to get their way about thing, and then the English got a hold of the records. The English getting a hold of your culture’s history rarely ends well for just about anyone. The modern practice of Kemetic worship places great emphasis on service and identity as a member of the community, the promotion and preservation of knowledge, learning, and education, opposing is/fet (’chaos’, here also very much including the breakdown of social bonds and the systems which sustain life), and truth. A Kemetic paladin would be expected to oppose chaos by sustaining or creating such systems (funding schools, founding a neighborhood watch, finding or creating jobs for the poor), defend the defenseless, further her own education and knowledge & teach the ignorant, to be honest and forthright in word and deed, and value strength and justice. They are likely to be Lawful, skewing towards Good, as D&D thinks of these things. For a society to be just, it must first be a society; preservation of the order (both natural and artificial) which sustains human lives comes first.

Kemetic paladins are unlikely to be priests or even to be formally part of a religious heirarchy, again because they have traditionally had issues being scholarly people; instead, they uphold ma’at (what is true, what is just, what is necessary; ma’at is the principle that establishes a community, that relates one person to all other people and defines obligations between them, and opposes chaos) by fulfilling roles that assist their community. Such a paladin might look to one of their patron gods as an example of both the behavior they wish to emulate and their role in the community. A defender and guardian who supports the rural folk might look to Sobek, whose great strength guards the Nile; a would-be hero who craves power and the glory that power might buy her could instead look to Set, who guards the sun-barge and tests the established order so that it can grow strong. This is an ancient faith with quite a few gods, and I haven’t even gone deep enough to say I’ve scratched the surface; if they’re comfortable doing so, @merytu-mrytw may be by to expand on this topic for those interested in learning more.

Samurai: Reaching For Heaven  - You knew we were gonna go here eventually. As famous as knights, and perhaps even more known for their strict code of honor, the samurai were the elite warriors of feudal Japan and members of its ruling class. A samurai was expected to be a warrior, to cultivate an appreciation for high arts such as calligraphy, poetry, and sculpture, to be a scholar or patron of scholars, and to otherwise serve their lord and establish justice in that lord’s name. Today the samurai ethos is often called Bushido (”the way of the warrior”), but that name and conception of their code of conduct is actually a relatively recent invention, dating back only as far as the 20th century. It has its bones in with a 12th century dramatization of a war between two proud clans, and the ideals embodied by the warriors of those clans. Notably, these ideals were considered unattainable; something to strive for, and in striving grow as a person, but not a realistic expectation for a living human in a physical body. I’m gonna go ahead and quote the breakdown of this code that was given to me, because I feel the long form is going to be helpful here. These were the things to strive for, if one wished to call oneself a samurai:

Your duty calls on you to die if necessary. Your honor is more than your life; to live in shame is worse than death. You are expected to be righteous - to have integrity, sincerity, and honesty. To display heroic courage - to be intelligently aware of risks, but to face them boldly, not rashly or foolishly. To be benevolent and compassionate - for you have strength of arms that others cannot fathom. To show respect, even to your enemy. Cruelty, mockery, showboating, boasting, these are against the samurai code. Your strength and stature come through how you stand in adversity, unyielding. To understand that there is no such thing as a promise, or "giving your word" - you do not speak unless you mean what you say. Meaningless words are for shameful people. To safeguard your own honor, for you are its judge - and you will know what will cause you to live in shame, which as noted above, is worse than death. To show loyalty and be dutiful - if you give your service to another, it is theirs to command, and if you set someone's life above yours, you cannot keep honor if you live and they die. To demonstrate self-control - excesses and wants are openings to great shame. Moral character lies in the desire being sublimated toward the better self and higher standing among men.

As the politics and culture of Japan evolved through the years, so too did attitudes towards, and understanding of, this code of conduct, but most dramatic and romantic depictions of the samurai ethos root back to something a lot like this. A paladin dedicated to this ethos is likely to be Lawful Neutral, bending towards Good, as D&D thinks of these things; it emphasizes the virtues of loyalty, duty, and the obligations of both lord and vassal to one another. It is particularly appropriate for characters who see high ideals of virtue as being an unattainable goal to strive for anyway, or for character-driven campaigns looking for high drama that comes from tensions between personal desires and societal expectations (you can see it used for this to wonderful effect in the Legend of Five Rings RPG, most recently published by Fantasy Flight Games).

There are of course many other potential sources for a paladin’s ethos; check out D&D 5e’s homebrew materials and the DM’s guild for just a few. If I didn’t include something here, I promise you that it’s because I’m either ignorant or not confident of my ability to speak on it even in this limited context, not because I was trying to deliberately leave anything out. As I said above, any errors here are mine, and I welcome corrections. I’m also eager to hear about other ethea and how they might be adapted for paladins, so if you’ve got some thoughts there, please, slap ‘em on! I’m quite literally begging to read your paladin takes!

That said, remember that these are real beliefs, that real people follow. If you’re looking to explore an ethos from a culture that is not your own, you should do so with respect and especially with consideration for others that might be affected. It’s one thing to realize 12 sessions into a campaign at your own house that you’ve been accidentally blaspheming someone’s religion; it’s quite another thing to realize that if you’ve been playing in a public place such as a library or a gaming store. Ask folks from the culture or faith in question about it if you can at all do so, and just...if you wouldn’t want someone to be depicting you in a particular way? Don’t depict them that way.

The Trolley Problem And Other Forms Of Psychological Torture - Paladins, Falling, & Alignment

All editions of paladins except 4e have some kind of rule for Falling; losing one’s paladin status and powers, generally because of violations of your code of conduct or a failure to maintain your alignment. 5e sorta-kinda has those rules in a “well if the DM says so” way, which is, in some ways, a worse situation to be in since it leaves the matter unclear. In particular, many editions of paladins require that you have and maintain a Lawful Good alignment, and completely strip you of all powers if you ever change alignment for any reason. If the above sections of this article didn’t make it clear already, I tend to break towards 4e’s school of thought and support unshackling paladins from both alignment and Falling mechanics for general play; they certainly haven’t been powerful enough in the meta to mechanically justify additional restrictions.

This isn’t to say that you can’t use Falling or the threat of Falling for interesting stories and excellent character moments, just that I personally feel that it’s not as necessary as some schools of thought seem to think it is. If you want to incorporate this idea into your campaign, make sure you bring that up when you’re same-paging with your group; it’s definitely one of those topics everyone wants to have a clear understanding about. From there, it’s on the DM to not be a dick about things. Using paladins to explore ethical dilemmas can be very rewarding, but putting one in an ‘impossible’ scenario is rarely any fun. For some great examples of using ethical dilemmas as a form of character growth and to explore the concept of morality, check out The Good Place if you haven’t already. Remember: it’s a game. The goal is to have fun, yeah?

Genocide Is Not An Ethical Dilemma - Common Paladin Pitfalls

This is the part of the article where I get very angry about things.

As I alluded to before, there have been some common pitfalls when it comes to paladins both in the history of their formal writing and in the way the fanbase has chosen to play and relate to them. This section is going to discuss those and what you can do about them, so without further ado:

Fascism  - Paladins have some unfortunate bones in with fascist ideology, particularly the Third Reich’s obsession with ‘will’, as well as the fascist preoccupation with the Crusades, the Crusades themselves, and with being members of social classes which are often oppressive in nature. You really do not have to go far to find some jackoff posting DEUS VULT memes about their paladin, and that’s a problem, first because fascists are bad, and second because that definitely misses the fucking point by a country mile. All editions of D&D and its legacy systems have struggled with this, but a shout-out goes to D&D 5e for publishing the Oath of Conquest, because we definitely needed to respond to this problem by creating an option that gives you heavier, more ornate jackboots to put on people’s necks.

So, what do you do about this? Well, for one thing if you find a fascist at your gaming table you throw them the fuck out into the street, and beyond that mainly you just...try not to play a fuckin’ fascist character. This isn’t really a problem you can solve at the table level, since it’s buried into the writing; all you can do is be aware of it, and not play into it. It shouldn’t be terribly difficult to not make a paladin who’s into kicking poor people and undermining the rights of sapient beings, yeah? Paladins tend to fall into these sorts of problems when they’re depicted as supporting strongmen, or as being the Special And Exalted People to whom the rules do not apply - basically the same situations that give superheroes as a genre their ongoing fascism problem. Keep a weather eye out.

Genocide - The two-for-one combo! Paladins have had a genocide problem as far back as AD&D 2e, where several had racial or religious genocide in their backstories. Sometimes those paladins Fell as a result, sure, but a disturbing amount of them didn’t. We also have such gems as, “A local paladin has started a crusade against half-breeds” (a plot hook published in Draconomicon for 3.5), that greentext story about the paladin and dwarf ‘bros’ who spend their free time murdering orc children, and everything that’s ever been written about how drow are characterized and treated by others. Now, in fairness to paladins, Dungeons & Dragons itself has problems with the themes of race and with its depiction of the morality of genocide, and paladins could be merely caught up in that. On a basic level, solving this issue is easy; don’t endorse genocide, don’t make edgy racist concepts to see if you can ‘still be good’. Even if that wasn’t already tired and worn, someone else already took that concept and went pro with it.

For more information about fantasy’s troubles with race and racial coding, I highly suggest this article & its sequel, as well as Lindsay Ellis’s Bright video.

Youth Pastor Syndrome - This one’s not as dire a problem as the other two; there’s a tendency to play paladins in a way that sucks the fun out of the rest of the group, either because you’re being a judgemental asshole in-character (and possibly out of it), or because they’re constantly having to tiptoe around you to get things done or do what they want in the campaign. In theory, same-paging should help solve this problem before it starts, and it honestly mainly stems from the various ‘association’ clauses in paladin codes through their history. An uptight paladin isn’t necessarily a bad concept, but make sure it’s the right concept for your group before you just go there. Your desire to run a particular character is not an excuse to shit on everyone else’s fun.

Sir Dumbass the Just - So this topic isn’t so much a ‘pitfall’ as something that doesn’t get talked about a lot. There has not been a single incarnation of paladin that is rewarded for investing in Intelligence; instead, they tend to crave Strength or  Dexterity, Constitution, and Wisdom and/or Charisma (depending on edition and build). Once your main three are solved, Wisdom is the next-most important ability score for an adventuring paladin, because it directly relates to detecting threats, seeing through illusions, and resisting mind control, which leaves Intelligence in the dust next to whichever one of Strength or Dexterity you didn’t pick. This means, more often than not, that paladins are going to struggle in scholarly pursuits, be bad at Knowledge-type skills, and otherwise be uneducated in many ways, which most assuredly influences both their internal culture and the sorts of people who become successful paladins. Give the matter some consideration when you’re making your own.

Lady Natasha Pointe-Claire of the Dust March - Paladins as NPCS

Related to what was discussed just above, not all paladins are necessarily adventurers. Though the image of the paladin as a knight-errant, wandering the world in order to defeat foul plots and punch demons in the asshole, is both valid and probably very relevant to paladin player characters, there are other roles that a paladin might fulfill in your campaign setting. Such paladins are still members of a warrior class, and will thus have things in common with player character paladins, but their different roles will encourage investment in other kinds of abilities and skills which might not lead to a successful adventuring paladin, but will lead to a pretty good life in the other job. The following examples are by no means exhaustive, but they should provide a good place for a DM to start if they wanna incorporate paladin NPCs into their games in roles other than fellow (or rival) adventurers. Mentor - Probably the most straightforward; this paladin was a successful adventuring paladin who ended up retiring due to age, injuries, or just to enjoy time with their loved ones/family/children rather than getting mauled to death by undead birds. Take a normal paladin build, ratchet them up into Middle Age or Old Age, call it a day. Such paladins are likely to be a lot calmer and more pragmatic than the younger set, with a combination of painful experience and perspective guiding the advice they give on how to fight evil and how to dodge the fireballs that evil be throwing.

Knight-Hospitaller - Hospitallers are healers, caretakers, and guardians of the sick, injured, and infirm. Such a paladin might help maintain a home for those who have been traumatized (abuse victims, soldiers, people laboring beneath magical curses), be employed at or run a hospital, or maintain a temple dedicated to a god of healing and medicine. Hospitallers tend to choose options that enhance their Lay on Hands ability, memorize more healing spells than attack or defense ones, and value Wisdom and Intelligence more highly than their peers, often at the expense of their Strength or Dexterity (or even their Constitution; paladins, being immune to disease, can afford to be surprisingly frail of body in this role).

Fortress Knight - These paladins have a lot in common with adventuring paladins, but are for one reason or another posted in one spot from which they do not leave. They might be the guardians of a frontier village, soldiers watching over a sinister portal, the personal bodyguards to a powerful noble, or any other role in which they take on a defensive, reactionary stance rather than actively seeking out new and exciting forms of evil. Fortress knights need a higher Wisdom and to invest in Perception-type skills, and will tend to focus on utility-type spells with a strong subtheme of attack; they need to be able to rouse the alarm, dispel magic on their allies, and keep an enemy pinned down.

Example Paladin - Corran D’Arcy

I promise you, your long journey through my article is almost over. I wanna talk about a specific paladin to kinda tie things together, as an example of some of these principles and ideas in motion and because Corran d’Arcy is just weirdly legit when he has absolutely no fucking reason to be. Corran appears in the novelization for Pool of Radiance: Ruins of Myth Drannor, written by Carrie Bebris. The book is based on the videogame of the same name, which in turn was made to celebrate the release of D&D 3.0. “Should I play this game?” you ask, to which I reply: absolutely fucking not, the game was a rough ride when it came out and it has not aged remotely well. 3.0 was rapidly updated to 3.5 because of deep and wide mechanical flaws that made the play experience almost physically painful, and converting it to a CRPG did not help that experience at all.

The book though? Excellent. Legitimately one of the best D&D novels. Spoilers for it follow, but I’d still suggest reading it if you get the chance.

The novel is told from the perspective of Kestrel, a petty thief trying to raise enough money to quit her life of crime and, ideally, die in bed of old age rather than of blood loss in some gutter. A series of poor and alcohol-related decisions leads her to volunteer to guard an evil pool of soul-stealing water, which is where she meets Corran d’Arcy, a paladin of Tyr and the third son of a noble family. The two get on like water and oil; to Kestrel, Corran is a pompous, classist piece of shit who judges her without knowing her, and to Corran, Kestrel is the exact kind of criminal and evildoer he so often fights in his day job. When another team opens a portal to beg for help while they’re being slaughtered, Corran quite literally throws Kestrel through it when she’s trying not to go, nearly killing them both.

This puts their professional relationship off to a bit of a distant start, as you might imagine.

Corran’s prejudice, as well as Kestrel’s more-justified-but-still-unhelpful resentment, hinder the party as they attempt to survive in Myth Drannor and defeat the Cult of the Dragon’s schemes there. Corran’s life of privilege has left him unfamiliar with Kestrel’s skills, and he consistently misuses those skills or forgets to ask for her opinion and expertise - to the detriment of the group. This painful oversight aside, however, Corran proves surprisingly practical; he works with the party’s wizard to create effective combat tactics, utilizes invisibility for surprise attacks against powerful foes, and coordinates well in the heat of battle; after all, the Cult of the Dragon is not taking requests for formal duels, and the fate of the world is at stake. Corran is polite even to his enemies, and openly negotiates with the minions and allies of the Cult in order to avoid combat - notably including drow houses that have made their homes in Myth Drannor. Through the course of the novel, he and Kestrel go from being openly antagonistic towards one another to developing a newfound respect, starting when Kestrel calls Corran out for endangering the party by refusing to retreat. Corran, in turn, forces Kestrel to confront the fact that she has been unhappy living her life with no purpose other than to die another day, a revelation that shakes her to her core.

Things come to a head when one of Corran’s decisions gets a man killed. Kestrel calls him out on it, accusing him - correctly - of hurting those he’s trying to protect by misusing her skills and ignoring the advice of his companions. Seeing his genuine anguish over these events softens Kestrel’s rage towards the paladin, enough that they essentially start their relationship over from the top with genuine change from both of them. A scene late in the book where Kestrel helps Corran find the confidence to attempt divine magic (a gift given only to ‘truly worthy’ paladins) cements what has finally become a trusting friendship.

Corran d’Arcy is an excellent example of a classic paladin archetype with life and humanity breathed into it. He has prejudices and insecurities; he feels pressured to live up to a long legacy of knighthood that intimidates him. At the same time, the virtues he lives up to reward him over and over again, from his bold valor (which sees to the defeat of many evildoers) to his courtesy and honor in social situations (which wins him unlikely allies in a ruined city overrun by wickedness). Though he starts out as a dick, Corran is not malicious, and it’s his genuine desire to do good by others that motivates the change in his behavior; when he learns that he is hurting his friends, he knows that he must change.

That’s the end of the article proper! I hope you found it informative and, more than anything, helpful in creating paladins for your game and campaign setting. I absolutely welcome questions, comments, critique, additions, and the like; my Ask box is open, and the Reblog button is right there.

That said, if you’re interested, Mister Vox’s Wild Ride is not yet over. I got bit by the homebrew bug halfway through this damnable thing, so here’s a paladin oath based on a family from my first completed interactive story, Dungeon Life Quest. Constructive critique of this material is also very welcome!

Oath of the la Croix (D&D 5e Sacred Oath)

(River la Croix, journeyman necromancer and demonologist, ex-mercenary. Character is from Dungeon Life Quest, art provided by Domochevsky.)

The la Croix family have been necromancers for longer than they’ve been the la Croix; they laid down much of the foundations of modern necromancy, and have, through the ages, been tyrants, villains, refugees and, these days, heroes. To be a la Croix is not a matter of blood, but of commitment to the family’s ideals; one must be willing to help those in need, to serve the community, be a level head in times of trouble, to show respect for death and the dead, and to make hard choices with a calm heart.

Though most la Croix are necromancers, alchemists, healers, or summoners of various kinds, every now and again a paladin-like warrior emerges from the ranks of the family, often by adoption. Whether or not such cousins are ‘real’ paladins is a subject of languid internal debate in the family - no la Croix has ever fallen to the point where she lost her powers, but a few have managed to go mad enough with that power to end up hunted down by the rest of the family. The question doesn’t really need answering, but it’s fun to argue about after three cups of wine.

Tenets of the la Croix The high standards expected of la Croix paladins are also expected of anyone who chooses to bear the family name. You can give up the name at any time, but most la Croix children - by adoption or by blood - try to wear it with pride.

Life is for the Living, Death is for the Dead. No one chooses to be born, and very few people choose to die. Respect these truths. Take life when you must, but not cruelly, and never for personal gain. Remember that you, too, are alive, and deserve the chance to enjoy that life as all people do.

Your Name is ‘Somebody’. If there is a call for help, you are the one to answer; when you hear ‘somebody do something’, ‘somebody help me’, you are Somebody, child of Anyone. If you can’t help directly, do everything you can anyway. None of us deserve to be alone.

Serve, Not Rule. A la Croix’s place in her community is service to that community. We are not nobles, tyrants, or generals; we dwell among the common people to protect and shelter them, and to remind ourselves of all the ways in which we are alike. Our power makes us different, not better.

They, Too, Are Victims of Life. You do not know the struggles others go through, just as they do not know yours. All are condemned to live and to die, and deserve your compassion even when you are moved to strike them down for the greater good. Bury your enemies and give them their last rites as if they were your own family.

Oath Spells You gain oath spells at the paladin levels listed.

3rd - bane, false life 5th - darkness, gentle repose 9th - bestow curse, fear 13th - phantasmal killer, shadow of Moil* 17th - danse macabre*, planar binding

*appears in Xanathar’s Guide to Everything

Channel Divinity When you take this oath at 3rd level, you gain the following Channel Divinity options.

Ancestral Protection - You can use your Channel Divinity to call upon your la Croix ancestors for protection. As an action, you suffer damage equal to your paladin level; this damage cannot be prevented or reduced in any way. Then, you and all allies within 30 feet of you gain a bonus to armor class equal to your Charisma modifier for 1 minute.

Balefire Blast - You can use your Channel Divinity to scourge an enemy with death-in-flame. Make a spell attack against a creature within 30 feet. If you hit, that creature suffers necrotic damage equal to your paladin level, plus fire damage equal to your paladin level. If it dies within 1 minute of being hit, it counts as dying of old age in addition to its actual cause of death (usually meaning that it is much more difficult to bring back from the dead).

Necromancer’s Aura Beginning at 7th level, you radiate constant necromantic wards that protect you and your allies. You and allies within 10 feet of you have resistance to necrotic damage and radiant damage, and you make saving throws against effects which would kill you outright with advantage.

At 18th level, the range of this aura increases to 30 feet.

Friend of Death Starting at 15th level, you regain 1 spell slot of 3rd level or lower whenever a creature within 30 feet of you is reduced to 0 or less hit points. You can regain a number of spell slots this way equal to your Charisma modifier; once you reach this limit, you must finish a long rest to use this ability again.

Aphrael’s Chosen At 20th level, you gain the ability to enter a state of heightened necromantic power, in which you can channel far more sorcery than usual. As an action, you suffer damage equal to your paladin level, then begin channeling raw death magic for 1 minute. While in this state, you gain the following benefits:

- You are immune to all effects which would kill you outright - Whenever you cast a paladin spell, you can make a weapon attack as part of casting that spell. You are not required to make this attack. - Creatures make their saving throws against your spells with disadvantage.

Once you use this feature, you can’t use it again until you finish a long rest.

[hclfhearted-a]

21, 32, 40, 41, 42, 43

RANDOM OC QUESTIONS    /     @sunbruise​​

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

she does have a bit of a temper, though it’s quick. if she gets frustrated enough, she might snap for a moment but then she just fizzles out && then just immediately goes to upset silence. when she loses her temper, she isn’t going to hit anyone or be physical in any way, but she might shout or cry when she’s angry - especially when it’s from frustration. lillian is a big fan of the silent treatment, but that’s probably from her parent’s influence who used to do it to her when they were angry at her. she is absolutely not patient - she’s impatient as hell, but given the situation she’s more likely just to rant in her head about it than actually take it out on the person (such as in cases of it being at a restaurant, for example) as she knows it’s probably not the person’s fault && it’s not going to kill her to wait a couple more minutes for something. If it’s towards friends, or people that know her well enough that they probably won’t get angry with her for her impatience, she might let out a whiny, ‘come on’ or ‘hurry up’.

32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?

due to her thin blood && her heart not regulating body temperature as well, she’s always cold, so don’t be surprised when even in summer she’s carrying around a sweater just in case. lillian has big autumn aesthetic, primarily wearing colors like oranges, reds, browns, && dark blues && greens. she likes fuzzy sweaters, turtlenecks, skinny jeans, boots, && soft berets - it’s almost hard to remember that she primarily (meaning her main canon) lives in a place where there’s almost no seasons. due to her upbringing, lillian dresses pretty conservatively, even when she’s wearing skirts or dresses, they are typically to the knee or longer, && she doesn’t wear too many things that are low cut on top (also because she’s self conscious about her chest scar). to bed, she generally wears a two piece set that’s long sleeve, long pants, && in winter they’re fuzzy. she will wear socks to bed too but they usually end up kicked off. when it comes to jewelry, she has no piercings, but she is fond of necklaces, especially crystals, or the simple kind with a single pendant. lillian doesn’t like bracelets because they get in the way when she writes && it feels weird to wear it on her other wrist. lillian keeps her makeup relatively simple && natural - though she admires those who can do more complicated things with it - she just doesn’t know how nor does she think it would look good on her. her favorite kind of makeup is lipstick && she likes the kind that is more matte, though sparkles are sometimes fun. lillian prefers to wear her hair down, it comes just past her shoulders, though when she’s in study mode or needs to keep it out of the way, she wears it in a high ponytail. she doesn’t spend too much time doing her hair - thankfully, hers is pretty manageable without much issue - but she does keep it clean && loves using wonderful smelling shampoos && conditioners. her clothes are a weird mix of designer, department store, walmart, && hand-made. her parents can really only afford walmart with the occasional department store item (typically something that she’s going to have for years), however lillian’s aunt && uncle are wealthy enough that they were the ones putting her through private school && helping pay her medical bills, so occasionally she might get a designer item or two (most of the time it’s a hand me down from a cousin). if she was honest, lillian doesn’t really care either way - it doesn’t matter to her where the item came from, so long as it looks like something she’d wear/use && that’s generally the case. as for the hand-made items - lillian can knit! she loves knitting people cute things, from clothing to little stuffed animals && some of her things she made herself - she loves them the most.

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?

absolutely not! lillian can not have such things! as per her cardiologist’s orders - things like coffee && energy drinks could really make her sick, if not cause major problems with her heart. now - during the autumn she might get an iced pumpkin spice latte from starbucks in their smallest size && keep it in the refrigerator && drink it over a period of several days because she likes the taste but can’t have the caffeine, but otherwise she doesn’t touch the stuff for her own health. she will drink decaffeinated teas, though, like the relaxation kind. she doesn’t eat a ton of sugary food either, due to dietary restrictions, but she does enjoy things like pies, doughnuts, && sour candy - she just has to eat it in strict portions. can lillian stay awake && alert naturally? to a degree - she’s gotten better at it because of school && studying requires her to learn how to keep awake for long periods of time, but she doesn’t really have much of a choice in it because she’s only allowed to keep awake through natural methods.

41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?

question answered over here!

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?

currently, in her main canon, she’s going to school for pediatric cardiology, as she wants to work with children who have the same sort of conditions she does. she really wants to help improve the research on congenital conditions && help the next generation of kids who are diagnosed with heart defects live longer && happier lives. she isn’t sure if she’ll be able to do it - she’s smart, but being a doctor is exhausting work && she’s got prejudice against her disability riding against her, but she’s trying her best. some of the things she considers dumb because they are more hobby goals, not life goals, is she wants to improve on her roller skating && be able to do more tricks && she’d like to learn how to do more complicated knitting patterns, perhaps even open a little online business so that she can earn enough money to move out of her parent’s house. she’s not sure what she’d sacrifice anything for, but probably something to do with her work in medicine, helping people. she wants to make a real difference in the medical community. her secret ambition that she doesn’t think will happen is to invent a new medical procedure or medicine that ends up saving a ton of lives. as a bonus, here are some fandom universe secret goals she has.

all for the game: she wishes to help start an exy league for people who wish to play but are disabled && get them to be able to play in the special olympics && win medals.

harry potter: make hogwarts (or any other of the wizarding schools) && the wizarding world in general more accessible && friendly for disabled witches && wizards.

percy jackson: this is more personal, but lillian wonders if the other demigods at camp jupiter don’t think her worthy because she can’t physically keep up with a lot of them, so she wishes to be able to go on her first mission && do well so they will like her.

the shadowhunter chronicles: she wishes to learn more about her powers (she’s a warlock) && be able to help people. she wants to be known for it like magnus bane.

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?

sort of? lillian was raised catholic, went to church, went to a catholic private school for all her years until she graduated from high school. she considers herself kind of non-practicing right now, since she doesn’t go to church && she’s a bit more critical of organized religion now that she has experienced what it was like to grow up under it && is able to branch out more. she might still pray from time to time, avoid saying ‘oh my god’, && other things that she’s been conditioned with since she was a child, but she wouldn’t consider herself as devout as her family - not that she’d say it to them. she likes the concept of religion - of all religions - the idea that people have something to comfort them && she sees nothing wrong with religious people, but she doesn’t like how pushy some can be && those who disrespect other’s beliefs. she graduated with people who are still very devout like her cousins, && those who hated catholic upbringing so much they went full atheist, && she respects them both so long as they aren’t rude. in more fandom specific verses: in the percy jackson verse, she’s raised catholic at home - mainly her mother’s doing - && she’s uncomfortable because she worries she’s disrespecting carna && the other gods && goddesses. but, she does what she has to in order to avoid fights with her mother. in her shadowhunter && harry potter verse, she deals with the fact that she’s got magic && that’s considered demonic by her parents && it creates a lot of tension when she’s home to the point in her shadowhunter verse, she’s kicked out on the street the day she turns eighteen.

[twisted-leader-of-something]

Background Information - Andalasia in my Twisted Wonderland

[Until we have more information on Twisted Wonderland and its' countries, if they ever develop it, this what I can give you about the country.] 

Location: Inbetween most Fae and Human countries, with little bits of it stretching into the land of Pyroxene. 

Geography: A landlocked country with scenic forests, lakes, mountains, streams, valleys and plains. 

Climate: Stable seasons with rainy springs and warm summers and brisk autumns and somewhat cold winters. The temperature of Analasia usually is pretty much the same year round besides in winter when the temperature can wildly change from day-to-day.

Population: Mostly Humans with some Fae here and there, as well as magical and regular creatures and spirits roaming around. Pretty spread out between cities and villages, and these areas are well populated. 

Status: Divided by Area until Further Notice, Under Neighboring Countries' Rule

Government System: Consitional Monarchy

Class System: Royalty - Nobleman - High Peasants (Upperclass Peasants: The new money people and illegitimate magic users)  - Middle Peasants (Middle Class Peasants: Most Andalasian citizens) - Low Peasants (Lower Class Peasants: New citizens/those deemed unfit to be in higher classes [Major criminals, mostly]) - Travelers (Current, Work In Progress by Neighboring Countries) 

The Republic of Andalasian Peoples - Lower and Middle Peasants - High Peasants - Nobleman - Royalty (Formally)

Education System: Well-known for being strict and fast, but it is pretty good by most people's standards. 

Currency: Ewro System (Andalasian Currency), Madol 

Religions: Magic-Manaism (Andalasian Religion), Paganism, Mysticism, Manaism.

Magic Concentration: Only in the Upper Class, the people of Analasia are not known for any magic speciality

Languages Spoken: Andalasian, Andalasian Sign Language, Anadalasian Braille, Most Animal Languages, Common. 

History/Current State: Andalasia was a great tourist country because of it's scenery and generally peaceful and laid back government policies. It also served as a middle ground between the Fae and Human countries for the most part, so often human and fae would pass by the country for access between these countries, and magical and creatures are generally well aquented with one other, with little to no food chain really present. It was often described as 'The Land of Happiness' because there was very little to no sadness or anger, ever, really in the whole country and it also had a decent standing with other countries, economically and politically. And it is believed by some historians that the Andalasians were the first magic users to learn from the Fae, but kept it hidden from the world. But then the events of Enchanted happened, and the peasants, not happy with a prince who really couldn't run a kingdom brought a person from another world, rebelled. According to the peasants, Queen Narissa was not a good ruler and treated the people horribly, but the Andalasian royalty and nobleman say she wasn't, and because there was no third party, it is unclear what is the truth. The peasants rebelled in a French Revolution type situation started by a group of people calling themselves the Republic of Andalasian Peoples who really where just power hungry people who wanted to overthrow the government, so things quickly got out of hand with executions left and right of both royalty and peasants, until the two sides agreed on a Constitutional Monarchy, with the rules and laws being very complicated but simple to understand: the royal family, nobleman, and upperclassman were to be subjected to abusive laws where they had little to no freedom and privacy and are not treated as human beings but more as puppets for the people's entertainment and the Republic of Andalasian Peoples (also known as RAP) basically get to rule instead. While the royalty and nobleman still lived in nice places, the peasants basically has full control over their lives, not often literally, but mostly metaphorically speaking. As gossipers and people looking for status can basically say whatever they want about the government and upper class families could get killed because of it. As, the laws says the peasants are always right, and it got to the lower class' heads because of RAP. And the royalty and nobleman suffered immensely from it, to where royal and nobleman suicides or escape attempts here common until the peasants basically passed a law that locked the country down and stopped all interactions with all countries until 'the upper class could be stable again'. You could still cross to get to other countries, but good luck getting around or in Andalasia though as security was really tight. And, much later the lower classes agreed gave the upper class little more freedom and money and the castle RAP had occupied back, which the royalty immediately made much bigger to fit the remaining eight royal family lines that were not killed off and basically locked the peasants out. Which definitely caused an uproar among the people, as they thought it was the royalty being cowards. And after years of battle for the castle, the royalty and peasants gave up on fighting each other and agreed to settle down, much to RAP's dismay, and the two sides are starting to rebuild the country and slowly up to the rest of the world again. Until, Faustina Desmona ran off with a leader of a Fae race and set off the peasants again, who where being egged on by the Republic of Andalasian Peoples that the upper class where all horrible people and because of Faustina's unapologetic actions and the Fae's lack of care about Andalasia's situation, the two side erupted into fights again which was supposed to be settled down by the execution of the eleventh line of Andalasian Royalty, before the one who was to be executed, Quentin Nighy-Sallow, Overblotted and basically tortured and almost killed the Andalasian People's Republic and imprisoned most of the citizens involved with the conspiracy and the royal line in a pocket dimension that did a similar thing to those groups. Which took neighboring countries a month and a half to stop thanks to Quentin being difficult to take on, and being brutally honest about the abusive laws and things the people would do to the royalty for no reason. The royal line, and Andalasian People's Republic was put under protection and interrogated by a certain group that researching Overblots, which a part of a dangerous cult known ad as the Cult of Mana and found most of what happened to the country during the period of lockdown. Now, the country has been divided into parts ruled by the neighboring countries until the royal line can be released.

Royalty Class System: Royalty (1st Line) - 2nd-6th Lines (Considered the original lines of the royal family) - 7th-14th Lines (These are people who made their own noble houses) - High Peasants (These people are often honorary nobleman) 

This a more basic system that should be in place that RAP set up, and is somewhat present in most Noble Andalasian's lives, but most don't really care about the system unless their families are really stuck up. These stuck people are mostly just the egotistical ones. 

Andalasian Currency System/Ewro System Overview: Dinero (≈100 Madols, often stamp/carved with an Alicanto or Bennu) - Sueldo (≈50 Madols, often stamped/carved with a Griffin or Carbunclo) - Terce (≈20 Madols often stamp/carved with a Qilin or Jackalope) - Dupondii (≈10 Madols often stamped-carved with a Hippocampus or Longma) - Ases (≈5 Madols, often carved-stamped with a Kelpie or Pegasus) - Semis (2 Madol, often carved/stamped with a human figure)  - Libra (≈1 Madol, often carved/stamped with a Manticore) - Tremis (≈1/4th of a Madol, often stamped/carved with a leprechaun figure) Quadrans (≈1/10th of a Madol, often stamped/carved with a dragon)- Uncia (≈1/20th of a Madol, often stamped/carved with a unicorn) 

The Ewro System is fait money system that uses common rocks and paper from Andalasia with the RAP and Royal Family's stamp of approval of it with symbols mostly of magical creature on it. It is mostly highly valued by other country, and very hard to fake.

Andalasia Religion/Magic-Manaism Overview: A Polytheistic and mostly Oral Tradition based religion based around the concept of Twisted Wonderland being created by a divine couple known as Magic and Mana, two genderless gods who are the embodiment of Magic and Mana respectively along with other gods who were created by the races of Twisted Wonderland when Magic and Mana created the universe, with gods such as Technology and Civilization who watch over the races of Twisted Wonderland to make sure the races get along and don't mess up their world or each other. It is mostly a self driven religion and focuses on a person's relationship with the embodiments of Twisted Wonderland and their domains, but there is some holidays, festivals and ceremonies people can attend if they are super committed to the religion. Pretty laid back religion unless you are super religious. 

Other Information: Andalasian Parties are known for the amount of unsupervised and possibly illegal activities that happen there such as underaged drug usage, drinking and sex, which is very, very controversial with other countries as if it should be okay if children should have highly addictive drug or coping mechanisms introduced at a young age, but the Andalasians don't really seem to care all that much about it as they do have systems in place for if in the case addiction or unwanted pregnancys happens. And it is a surprisingly really good system that Andalasia made in under a few years. 

[techmomma]

Being Prepared

In uncertain times, now, perhaps more than ever, is an important time to discuss a difficult subject: 

Advance Directives, aka “What if I or a loved one are in the hospital and cannot make decisions for myself or them?” 

Talking about such matters, especially our philosophies, beliefs, and what we want to happen in the event we cannot make decisions for ourselves, is a topic that more often comes up in the midst of emergency. For most, it’s a surprise. And for most, they heap on themselves a stressful situation that can absolutely be avoided with some heart-to-heart discussions beforehand. Below, I will outline some important topics you can discuss with someone you trust, so that they know what to do, in case the unexpected happens.

CW: death, death mention

From personal experience, being willing to discuss such things was one of the few things that saved us during the sudden, unexpected emergency of my late fiance falling into a coma due to diabetic complications. We had a limited time window; hesitating too late, and the doctors would have been legally prohibited from removing his life support no matter what we chose. Luckily, he and I, both believers in the death positive movement, understood the importance of this kind of discussion, and had talked about figures such as Terry Pratchett and dignity of dying. Knowing that my fiance would not want to end up like him helped steer us in the right direction, regarding what quality of life would have been acceptable, and what would not.

Which brings us to the subject: just what do you talk about? How do you phrase it? Who do you discuss this with?

For most of us, the person we discuss this with will be a trusted family member. Perhaps a spouse, or domestic partner, perhaps your significant other. For others, this may be a trusted friend. Regardless, this needs to be someone you trust will honor your wishes, rather than instating their own. Or, if they did, someone you trust to make the right decisions. This is the person you can designate as your Health Care Agent. In addition, as a safety measure, you can designate others as Alternate Health Care Agents in the event your Primary is unable to for whatever reason, and have this discussion with them. Having two or three individuals who know your wishes and can be contacted is a pretty safe bet. This is especially important for those in long distance relationships or persons who live away from home; have your trusted person, but also have someone who is physically close to you who can travel to the hospital. Have people who can contact others on your behalf, or can be contacted if you cannot.

What you want to happen, in the event you cannot make decisions, is called an Advance Directive. For the state of Washington, you can fill and print out this form, if you do not have an attorney. I highly recommend looking it over whether you live in Washington or not; it has a lot of examples of the kinds of things you can make decisions on and what to talk about!

So how do you breech an admittedly difficult and possibly painful subject? That will depend on you, but the person you trust to fulfill your wishes should, ultimately, be someone who is at least willing to discuss this subject with you, regardless of the difficulty. 

If need be though, or in need of a reasonable segue into the subject, this is my permission to you to use the example of my late fiance, who suffered an unexpected diabetic coma in the middle of the night when alone and could not make decisions for himself, eventually culminating in a termination of life support as per his wishes. If it can happen to him, a healthy man in his early 30s, it could certainly happen during a COVID-19 outbreak, which seems to be a russian roulette in regards to whose case is mild and whose is lethal. If it can help you make decisions that benefit yourself and the emotional well-being of your loved ones, I am more than confident he would give his blessings.

So, what do you talk about? Anything and everything. Again, try checking out example Advance Directive forms, and some Financial Power of Attorney forms (you may need witnesses for these forms to be legalized, but in reality, any form you fill out is still technically legal and admissible in a court of law). But I have some subjects that both my late fiance and current significant other have discussed that will, at the very least, give any Health Care Agents you designate a good idea of what you would like done. Also check out your medical provider’s website, if they have online access. Mine actually has a page where I can outright fill out Health Care Agents, so I actually just filled that out today and it’s right there in their records to access in an emergency! Again, make sure the person you designate is informed and willing! Check with family members or friends too, they may be able to provide you with legal forms to formalize your wishes.

Some topics you can discuss:

Your personal beliefs regarding treatment. Do you have a spiritual leader you want contacted? Do you have religious, spiritual, or personal beliefs that might interfere with treatment? In some religions, some medical treatments may not be acceptable! If you do not have any exceptions or clauses, how far do you want medical treatment to go? If your condition is terminal, do you want treatment prolonged even if the end result is still death? Do you want hospice? Do you want to be given life-sustaining treatment (life support), even if it is known that this will only worsen or prolong a terminal condition? Do you want to be resuscitated, even if your quality of life may suffer or will be negligible? (For example, being resuscitated while in a Permanent Vegetative State?) If your condition is terminal, do you wish to pass away at home, or in the hospital? What if you are pregnant while unable to make decisions; do you want to put the survival of yourself or the baby first? If you are unsure, and know that the choices may depend on context, do you want to allow your Health Care Agent to decide? Are they comfortable and willing to make decisions like those on your behalf? Do you want your Health Care Agents to have these powers only during an emergency or in specific ways (springing) or effective and general once agreed to (durable)?

If you are alive and yourself but will need assisted living, such as wheelchairs, help with feeding, changing, bathing, dialysis, etc., who is willing to help you with this? Is your SO willing? Do you want your SO to do so? Do you want nurses and providers to do so? What are your feasible options?

Do you want to be an organ donor? Are you willing to be a full donor, which may mean your family will be unable to have an open casket? Only a partial donor? Do you only want to be able to donate specific things, if able? Where do you want those donations to go? Medical schools, other patients? 

Do you have pets? Who do you want to take care of them if you cannot? Are they able to take care of those pets? 

What do you want to happen to your material possessions? Who do you want to wipe your laptop of those seedy sites you visit? Do you want specific things to go to specific people? Do you want it all to go to your Health Care Agent, who can then decide what to do with those items? Who do you want your money and assets to go to? (Remember, your loved ones cannot be billed for the dead’s debts, no matter what companies claim!) 

If you die, what do you want to happen with your body? How much money are you comfortable with loved ones spending? Is there a specific ritual you want performed or cultural practice observed, is there a specific place you would like to be buried? Do you want to be embalmed? Do you want to be cremated? Where would you want your ashes scattered? Do you ultimately not care, even if you have preferences, and want your loved ones to do what is best for them in regards to their own grieving process? 

These are obviously difficult subjects and for some people, these may be hard to discuss. Death is a hard subject! Especially death of ourselves or loved ones. I can tell you from experience though, how grateful we were that these things were discussed beforehand--and how grateful I was to my late fiance for taking so much heartache and stress off of our shoulders. Talking about these things can, in some cases, be an ultimate act of love to unburden the people you care about. (You may also be surprised at how easy it is to talk about the subject, once you just get started!)

For some of us, talking about these things can feel like paranoia, or obsession over death--or even, if we have a history of suicidal ideation, that we may worry about worrying others. Just state beforehand that you do not have thoughts of self-harm in talking about this; only that you want to be prepared. Your trusted ones will understand--and may thank you, for making your wishes known. 

It is not paranoia or obsession with death to care about the stress your loved ones may be under in a trying time. Remember: we make these to prepare for the unexpected, but make them in the hope and likelihood they will only gather dust.

For more info on the death positive movement, understanding your rights regarding Advance Directives, practical advice on the handling of your body, and greener funeral options, check out Caitlin Doughty’s youtube, aka Ask A Mortician.

[atimefordragons]

[ T S E S A R E V N A  ... ]

My incomplete audition for Gem Quest, didn’t have the time to participate properly, let alone finish my audition from all the other groups (yeah, I don’t know what time management is and have no idea how to pace myself). 

“В небе далеком горит звезда, | In distant heaven star shines Не одинока и не одна | It's not alone and not the one Каждый себе выбирает путь | Everyone choose their own way И она не даст свернуть | And star won't allow them to turn Не закрывай глаза | Don't close your eyes Смотри она ведет тебя.. | Look, it leads you...”

-  Звезда (Dima Bilan ft Anna Belan)

Real Name: Yekatrina “Katya/Rina” Anatolyevna Raevskaya

Age: 26

FC: Alia Bhatt

Species & Class: Dragonborn & Mage-Knight

Guild: Moonstone

Description of In-Game Powers: (what their fantasy species lets them do, basically, and all the associated drawbacks)

A dragonborn is a cross-bred species, born from the bloodline of either a human or an elf, and a Great Dragon (highly evolved, ancient dragons that can cast spells, and shit, and even speak the human tongue). Because great dragons are rare, most dragonborn are second generation or later. In the case of Tsesarevna, an ice dragon and a human (not a first gen).

Dragonborns have a natural affinity for magic, particularly elemental, even more specifically for the element of the dragon type whose blood they inherited, in the case of Tsesarevna, frozen water related magic, ice, frost, snow.

Place of Birth: Saint Petersburg, Russian Federation

Appearance: (optional textual description/notes of wardrobe, features not represented by fc, etc)

Places Most Likely to be Found In-Game: Level 20 - A Midwinter Night’s Dream (I see what you did there Ayz) and Level 38 - Murias Pass (the snow reminds her of home, ya know. The cold never bothered me anyway), also sometimes Level 39 - The Dragon, but she’s technically stuck on that level because she refuses to kill the Dragon, issa zaldrīzo ānogar.

Current Inventory:

History Book: The Dragon King Festival

Strongest character trait: eurovision knowledge Confidence (in herself and some others)

Strengths: Katya is almost surprisingly determined, it contradicts with the rest of her “I’ve never had to work hard to get what I want in my life” type personality, but she is persevering and stubborn, when she wants something, she won’t stop until she gets it. Which in her real life was never very difficult getting.  

Weaknesses: Where to even start? Spoiled Princess Brat (she has never not gotten what she wants in her life, and it shows), impatient, impulsive, not exactly a team player (I mean, she is now, but that shady shit she pulled back when she first started playing kinda got her a rep), arrogant, prideful, kind of a bitch (doesn’t really think of it as a weakness, but ya know, it’s hard to make friends), dragon obsession (refuses to kill dragons, even in order to advance the game, got herself and party members killed early on in the game ‘cause of it), kind of an adrenaline junkie, and reckless af. She doesn’t really consider the consequences of the game, wholeheartedly believes her dad, fam and connections in the real world will get her out soon enough, so has no problem running head first into fire (”I’m too hot to die in a video game”).

Player Stats: (on a scale of 1-10, 1 being the weakest, 10 being the strongest. try to balance it out!)

STRENGTH: 9

DEFENSE: 7

CHARISMA: 3

PSYCHE: 5

WILLPOWER: 9

CAUTIOUSNESS: 2

AGILITY: 5

ENDURANCE: 7

INTELLIGENCE: 8

LUCK: 4

Personality:  “Haven’t you ever seen a princess be a bad bitch before?”

Haha, yeah, but mostly, she’s just a massive nerd. She’s such a fucking nerd. Bitch learned Quenya and Sindarin just for kicks, and her own amusement. Literally no one else in her irl circle even fucking knows what those two things are (Elvish tongues in Tolkien).

As the baby of a two large families, and the only daughter of a Russian oligarch, Katya is incredibly spoiled, and very much self-centered. Something of a downplayed celebutante, she is not quite as present at every single high society, high fashion event in Russia, or elsewhere in Europe, she only goes to a handful. And really only for the free stuff, she loves stuff. Katya maintains a somewhat disinterested high social status, as she is the daughter of a major industrialist, and friends with other, higher profile wealthy Russian heirs and heiresses, and there are benefits (so many), but she isn't quite interested in attaining spotlight or attention. However, she also perceives it as something that is just naturally part of her life. She uses a lot of hand gestures when speaking, and tends to give off a naive-princessy vibe who seems to think the world revolves around her. Which, to be fair, it does in her house -she does know that it doesn’t actually, but ya know, can’t quite turn off that bitch, I’m a princess mindset.

“I don’t skate through life... I walk through life. In really nice shoes.” - Alexis Rose (Schitts’ Creek 3.04)

Notably, she speaks with a vocal fry when speaking English. She says “like” a lot, has a bit of a condescending tone, but, she like, does care. About a lot of stuff, but also humanity in general. Spoiled baby she may be, she does have a moral compass, and was amongst the public figures who signed an open letter against the Saint Petersburg Anti-”Gay Propaganda” bill (it’s some bullshit about “protecting” minors from “non-traditional sexual relationships”). She believes in doing the right thing, that the goal of any organization or even person should just be to decrease the net suffering of humanity, but also, she is a super proud Russian. Very anti-american, thinks they’re all stupid, always says shady shit in Russian whenever she runs into americans online. However, it’s not like she’s a fan of United Russia (Putin’s party), they’re right-wing nutjobs, she does not like them. Her main political party is A Just Russia, who are much less then left than her (officially, they be centre-left), but they’re the only ones (of her favoured parties) who have seats in the State Duma (the lower house of the Federal Assembly, Russia’s legislative body - the Duma is like parliament, or congress, I think, I don’t really know what congress is tbh, house of representatives maybe? Idk, the place where Nancy Pelosi is charge, equivalent to that). Katya also supports Patriots of Russia, a socialist, left-wing party, but they only have seats in regional parliaments, and only one seat in the Federation Council (similar to the senate, the upper house of Russia’s legislative body). There’s also Russia of the Future, but it’s not been formally registered yet. In the 2018 election she voted for the communist party’s candidate just for kicks (it’s different in Russia, there’s was zero possibility of Putin losing, come on, grow up).

As a side note, if this helps with the explainary-stuff, I basically envision her as a slavic-desi cross of Alexis Rose from Schitts’ Creek, and Gina Linetti from Brooklyn-99, also this hindi song; Sheila ki Jawani. The song is basically about owning the fact that you’re super sexy.

Biography: Katya is half-Russian, half-Indian, born to a Russian father, industrialist (and oligarch) Anatoli Ivanovich Raevsky, and an Indian mother, activist and journalist Mishti Syeda Khan. Her parents eventually separated, though technically are still married, when she was about 14, and her mother moved to Manchester in the UK, while Katya remained in Russia with her father. Katya is from a large family, on both sides, and at the time of her birth, was the first baby to be born in quite a few years (the elder cousins were like tween-teen, too old be constantly coddled and cuddled, and too young to make babies), so she was hella spoiled by everyone. The problems her maternal family had with her mother marrying a non-Muslim white boy? Well, we still hate him, but look how cute Rina is.

Despite the... complications between her family members - the whole religion/marrying a shada (white) boy thing, not to mention that Mishti herself is like agnostic at “best”, in general, as the baby, Katya (or Rina as her mother and maternal family call her), get along - well, okay, there’s always the shady auntieji’s, and bullshit drama, but like, that’s just brown families yo. We like that. We’re all 100% those bitches (see ya at Eid Nanu [grandma], ya messy bitch). While there is some distance between Katya and her mother, metaphorically and literally, she really does look up to her mother and her work, and followed in her footsteps, studying journalism at Moscow State University, and moving on to work at Известия (Izvestia), the “national” paper of Russia, formerly the state newspaper of the Soviet Union. Currently, she’s a glorified fact checker, and maintains the website with a handful of other colleagues. She’s also authored small “puff pieces” for Nedelya (a weekly Friday section about leisure actives, culture, that kinda stuff).

Katya is not exactly an avid gamer. She likes games, but it’s not like a 24/7 thing, whereas she is 24/7 thinking about like ASOIAF or Stars Wars (fuck you JJ, you were supposed to destroy the Sith R*ylo, not join them), not to mention Eurovision. Anyone who thinks Eurovision only lasts for a week is a fake fan, and anyone who thinks it’s a one day thing is an american. Ziben ziben ilulu motherfucker. Anyway.... she prefers immersive, high fantasy worlds, she likes the story and plot, so her types of games are The Witcher and Dragon Age Series, Elder Scrolls, that sort of thing. She doesn’t put in daily hours, ‘cause she got other stuff to do, but will dedicate weekends to leveling up her characters in order to accomplish quests and missions quickly and not waste time to get to the story cut scenes. She hates, hates, hatessss microtransactions and those stupid fucking mmorpg phone games which are literally just farmville repackaged with a dragon or an orc; FUCK YOU. What a fucking waste of time, quit advertising as having a plot and story, or cool character customization, ‘cause you don’t have any of that you basic ass bitch!

Gem Quest was regifted to Katya by a coworker, who had gotten it as a present, but didn’t have a VR set (of course she had one, she’s rich, and also she needed it to play Batman: Arkham VR - she’s still waiting on a game that’ll let her make out with Nightwing while playing as a custom character). She got a bit of a bad rep (understatement) in the beginning of the game. Katya hates being stuck because she doesn’t have enough exp or whatever, so she always levels up in the beginning of a game before taking the time to fuck around and do whatever, which, in the case of Gem Quest, means teaming up is the easiest way to do that. So, whenever a party member was holding them back from leveling up, she would straight up kill them in order to move on. She killed her own irl friends, to be fair, she doesn’t do that anymore, that was just in the beginning, but ya know, the rep of being that bitch kinda hard to get of.

G.’s announcement didn’t particularly freak out Katya. Whatever kind of evil Kaiba Corp execs bullshit he was pulling didn’t matter, he still had a body out there in the real world, and there’s no fucking way her dad would let die in a fucking game. There’s perks to being Oligarchs in Russia, and even if she did die in-game and was unable to return to reality, wherever G. and his real body were, motherfucker will die in excruciating pain. Polonium-210 ain’t pleasant, and the Novichok series is so much worse.

Relationships: (OPTIONAL, fill out whenever you want to)

Silverwing - rn. Anastasia “Anya” Gagarina (fc: Anna Belan), a fellow moonstone, and real life friend - well, the younger sister of an ex-boyfriend whom she still gets along with (the sister, not necessarily the ex).

Inferna - I don’t really have any plotting ideas, but Inferna’s whole; “It’s very important that I am both cute and powerful” is so relatable (to me and Katya xp)

Enthroned -

Morningstar -

Extras/Trivia (aka unnecessary information):  

Her mother, and thus maternal family, are from Kolkata, in the state of West Bengal in India, thus making Katya fluent (relatively) in Bengali as well (well, a dialect of it - West Central, you’d think as an actual Bengali person, I’d know the proper name of it, but nope. Idk, shudobasha maybe, but I think that’s for people from Dakha, which is in Bangladesh, not India. Whatever. Not like my dad will check this and be disappointed in me.)

Apart from her native Russian, Hindi, and Bengali, she speaks English, and Japanese (100% learned it because she’s a weeb), as well as the fictional languages; Quenya, Sindarin (and can use the Tengwar script to write them), High Valyrian, Mando’a, Dovazhul, and Klingon. As a teenager she also created a dictionary for ancient “Black Speech”, an in-universe constructed language in Tolkien’s legendarium, but her version is not canon, so it doesn’t count - she’s also forgotten a lot of it. She was a baby, she still has the hard copy she made somewhere in the Raevsky Manor in Saint Petersburg.  

After graduating from MSU, her father bought her, her own apartment in the Kudrinskaya Square Building in Moscow, adjacent to the ones he owned already, which she had lived in when she moved to Moscow for school. 

Katya’s family is religiously mixed (well, she’s the one who’s mixed), her maternal family are largely Muslim, some Hindu (very few though, like, you can count them on one hand), and her paternal family are either Orthodox Christian or atheist (usually depending on how long they were alive and how into the Soviet Regime they were). Katya’s parents are agnostic (Mishti), and atheist (Anatoli), Katya herself is also atheist, but sometimes she’ll say she prays to the Seven or R’hllar, or Lord Jashin, or some other made up nerd ass religion (’cause she that bitch).

But for real, she can be a real bitch about religion. The Soviets got a lot wrong, but banning religion was not one of them <- so she says. She gets super pissed when someone brings up religion during a politics chat, that fake shit should have nothing to do with running a country. 

hates starbucks with every fibre of her being, it’s such an american staple and the first time she saw one in Russia, she nearly had a heart attack.

Will die mad about:

The Last Jedi and The Rise of Skywalker; the fuck was that bullshit? We trusted you JJ! 

the garbage show’s gaslighting and murder of Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, First of Her Name, Rightful Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men. Queen of Meereen, The Prince who was Promised, The Unburnt, Slayer of Lies, Breaker of Shackles, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, and Mother of Dragons.

Hrithik Roshan still being so fucking hot (he’s 45, please like chill a little, holy fuck)

Catarina de Lurton dying 

Former american politician John McCain constantly saying “Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country” - bitch, we’re a thousand years old, how’s your 250 year old failed experiment of a garbage nation going? 

Freud.

Links:

Playlist

Pinterest

Urstyle Collection (aesthetics, and other shit)

Social Media

[lucywithlupus]

Top 10 Myths vs. Facts about Arthritis

Top 10 Myths vs. Facts about Arthritis

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Intro

Arthritis is the most common cause of disability in the United States. It affects 23% of the working population, almost 54 million people. And let's don't talk about the elderly population!

Everyone know arthritis exists, its unavoidable. But not many people know what it is or even acknowledge its existence in a regular way.

I was diagnosed with Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis when I was just 13 years old. It was a very traumatic experience for an awkward preteen like me. Not only did I have to deal with the regular dose of cringiness that comes with high school drama, puberty and the discovery of Tumblr, but also this strange condition that I would have not thought of having in a million years was right there, standing at my door like that uninvited neighbour that will sit on your couch, expect to pamper and you just sit there waiting for them to leave.

Only that arthritis never left my side: it was there all day, every day, every single day for the last 6 years.

A short way of putting it, arthritis translates to "joint inflammation", and it is a symptom. You heard me right: arthritis is medically defined as a symptom. It is usually caused by an illness you currently have or had, but it could also present itself independently as a disorder.

In that case, arthritis is any disorder that affects the joints. Joints, being the area where two bones meet, are under constant friction when moved around. The joint capsule (joint sac)and synovium (joint liquid that lubricates the joints) can swell, causing stinging pain, visible swelling and pain, overall stiffness, redness, and limited mobility. It may also result in long term partial or generalized bone loss/ erosion and/ or cartilage loss. The best way I could describe it is having your knees be injected with jelly (ew) and the jelly squeezing your knee into itself everytime you want to get out of bed in the morning, or go up the stairs, or rush to that history class because you are late again.

An article by Social Science & Medicine explains that the characteristics of this disorder and what treatment is most appropriate to use really depends a lot of the time length since diagnosis- aka how long you had the disease-, the socio-economic and social background of the patient and the relationship between the patient and their disorder.

But why does it happen in the first place? As said, it could be another disease entirely isolated from your joints. But no one really knows why this disorder occurs to this day. Some suspect it is caused by genetics, environmental factors, stress, or none of them. No origin, no clear way to get rid of it, simple.

Being a teen with arthritis ain't easy, let's be real. I had to quickly learn how to survive my daily shenanigans as both a maturing, growing woman and handle my joint inflammation all at the same time. It was always confusing for others to realize that I had a medical condition that asked me for extra help every now and then. They also struggled to know what to know, how to react and what to expect. That's perfectly normal, but don't worry I gotcha.

Warning: I am not saying you do any of these nasties, but if you do or know someone who does, make you so send them this for some lovely PEP.

Links below :)

And now, without further ado, here we go Top 10 Myths vs. Facts about Arthritis!

Myth 1: Only old people get arthritis

When people think about arthritis, the first thing that comes to mind is probably your grandparents trying just a little harder to get out of their chairs. It has something to do with their joints, right? And most likely will never get better with time.

Telling people I have arthritis is like dropping an elephant right at their brains, and I can never know what their next move will be. Most of the time, they are shocked, surprised someone so young could carry such an elderly condition.

“Are you kidding?” “That is not funny” “Oh, interesting: you ARE serious”

It's understandable that human curiosity gets in the way of what is coming out of your mouth dear friend. But no, I do not appreciate you looking at me like a circus attraction, look at my knees in an awkward way or just stare into the sky asking the aliens maybe for more things to ask.

Instead, do like when there's fire: stop, drop, roll on the ground back and forth. Maybe not the last two but you get the point. Hold your queries train and be respectful at all costs. We could happily answer your questions without needing to feel attacked and you ignored. We do not owe you an answer, but place yourself in our shoes first beforehand, please!

Fact 1: All walks of life can get arthritis.

There is no scientific evidence that shows a correlation between arthritis incidence and age or sex. The only thing for sure is that osteoarthritis is most common in the elderly (age thee, folks), while other disorders like lupus are more common in young adults and teens (hint: me!).

That's the truth people: there is no such thing as a person that “looks” like they have arthritis. People with arthritis are big and small, tall, medium or short, old or young, fat or thin, thick or slim, work full time, study or not work at all. People with arthritis come from so many places, have different races, colours, hair and body types, religions, lifestyles, families, relationships, places they live in, places to go and places they won't go. People with arthritis can be disabled in other things, visually impaired, mentally challenged or ill, be missing a limb, be blind or deaf or have speech impediments. They have tattoos, some like to dance, paint and sing, others like reading books, watch movies or go outside. Some like pineapple on pizza, some don't (don't set this blog on fire people: make pizza, not war). Some chose conventional medicine, some chose alternatives or none at all. Just like you and me, there are so many types of people in this world, and some of the people you already know and admire are probably going through a rheumatic struggle right now and you never noticed. Arthritis has no shape, no stereotypical mould we follow. Isn't it amazing?

Myth 2: It's a disease.

Words have a lot of meaning, and for this reason, one must choose very carefully about how to talk about someone else's health, especially if you do not know them or what they go through.

Words like “sick”, “troubled”, or “ill” are incorrectly used to refer to arthritis. Sure, I am not going to stand up and run a mile as effectively as the nearest person, but that doesn't you the right to make me feel any less healthy, inferior or weak.

Criticizing my lifestyle and wellbeing choices, how I chose to medicate myself or whether or not I will try these ancient magical fairy dust your family kept buried in their backyard for generations is irrelevant, just like you judging my outfit today. My taste is exquisite, thanks.

So, if you feel inclined to stick your nose into people's property, think about how it would feel if someone had strong opinions about your daily choices. Because living with arthritis is that: daily choices we make to get by, just like anyone else.

Fact 2: It's a medical symptom or disorder.

Yeah, it's true. Not so exciting anymore, right?

The National Institute of Arthritis and Musculoskeletal and Skin Diseases (NIH) defines arthritis as the symptom of joint inflammation, usually a symptom of something else but can also be a diagnosis of its own. It is also defined as a diagnosis of its own that affects the joins. Arthritis can cause joint swelling and pain, overall stiffness and limited mobility, redness and may result in long term partial or generalized bone loss/ erosion and/ or cartilage loss. This is because the joint capsule (joint sac)and synovium (joint liquid that lubricates joints) swell, causing a stinging pain.

So yeah, not a disease. Symptom or disorder it's just fine to thank you.

With that information in mind, maybe you can stop worrying about my business and start focusing on your next time.

Myth 3: There is only one type of arthritis.

Arthritis is an umbrella term to refer to any inflammation of one or more joints. That's it. But that doesn't mean things cannot get a little complicated or confusing.

There are many kinds of arthritis: spondylitis, gout, rheumatoid arthritis, juvenile idiopathic arthritis, reactive arthritis, psoriatic arthritis, osteoarthritis, etc. The list goes on.

The American Rheumatism Association (ARA) determined the criteria for rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis in 1956. The criteria were established by 5 committee members after studying 332 cases in 19 American cities. There are 11 original diagnose criteria to this day (links below!). There are three main possible diagnoses:

       ○ Definite: at least 7 criteria and 6 weeks of joint symptoms

       ○ Probable: at least 3 criteria and 6 weeks of joint symptoms

       ○ Possible: another set of criteria

The main indicator of an arthritic disorder is Rheumatoid factor (RF), which is basically the "good to go" lever that says with utmost medical evidence that you have arthritis. However, other indicators, treatments, and criteria are still sensitive, not specific, impractical and circular. Also, initial studies were mere surveys, misclassification ensued, incorrect tables and comparison squares were used to collect and analyze data, etc.

Over the last 60 years, medicine has developed a more uniform vocab, communication to allow for better comparison, teaching, diagnosis and awareness raising.

There are so many options! That's why we are everywhere, watching you. Have fun knowing that.

Fact 3: Rheumatisms are diverse and unique to all.

Even though arthritis might be looking more like a Wikipedia reference list right about now, it does not have to be ultra difficult to understand that rheumatic conditions like arthritis are incredibly varied and personalized to the patient's body.

Rheumatologists- aka joint doc- have a hard time finding cures and data and pills to give because of this reason. Remaining calm, doing your research on your type of arthritis and letting others know what it is and how they can help you is the best way to pull through!

Myth 4: We need help always.

I remember in high school and a few months in uni, I started calling myself grandma, and consequently, my friends did the same. I thought it was funny, laughing at myself and taking lightly something that I already had to deal with anyways. Plus, it matched my quiet (lie), caring demeanour (also lie lol).

A few weeks ago I realized that that may have been a mistake, as it makes others associate me with an old lady who constantly needs help: whether from doctors, my parents or family, my professors or my friends.

When you have limited mobility 24/7 and you are still a teen that heavily depends on your parents to drag you to your doctor- sometimes literally- give you your meds and scold you everytime you wish to do anything remotely fun, it can begin to build in your developing brain that fears of doing things that have nothing to do with your disease.

You fear to live your safe haven called home, loose that adventurous feeling to party hard and enjoy those sneaky teenage drinks and, deep down, fear for your plans of the future and how some of them might get chucked off your life forever just because you have a rheumatic disorder.

In high school, I used to hate myself for that. I hated myself and my body for not doing what I wanted them to do. To a point where I was delusional: I would tell myself that this was not my body, it could not be, my body couldn't be this weak and fragile. The boy was I wrong!

Also, don't get me started on how people think you are “faking it” because you want the attention and the extra benefits.

Sweetie, next time you (under highly mysterious circumstances) slip in my long list on how wrong you are and you roll down the stairs and break your ankle crying because you won't be able to go to Karen's party next week, call me. We will have some quality time together. Your petty butt, me, panadol and some good pep talk to hopefully make your brain work.

Truth 4: People with arthritis don't need help, always.

No one fakes being sick. No one is that insane, or persistent. Although things like stress and lack of care can worsen inflammation, no one is really faking the reality of the facts.

Sure, I do get help because I am disabled- yes, I am clinically allowed to use that term if I chose you, don't get triggered. That means I am allowed to take shorter queues in supermarkets, take special lifts, use the biggest bathroom stall. Thankfully, we live in a world were now electrical doors, ramps and tons of other aiding infrastructure is available for people like us and more :) Working, studying, medical, recreational, transport, industrial and domestic aid is stepping up its game on that area, and we haven't even talked about non material ways of help! (a new post!).

No friend. I do not need your help right now thank you. I appreciate you trying to bombard me with wonderful ideas on what I should or not do. I understand your concern and I am happy you are trying your hardest to help me. But maybe taking a chill pill and closing all those tabs, having a nice conversation and some tea is the best thing you can do right now.

I have the stuff to do, let's be real. We all do. I am a full-time student, but that doesn't mean I still don't have time to take care of myself and what my body needs. Years of experience have taught me a lot, and so will to you, dear arthritic friend. Things do get better :)

Myth 5: People with arthritis are lazy.

Now we travel to the other side of the spectrum:

“Well, at least you get to chill in bed when you want and get away with it! That sounds like fun to me!”

Yeah, if fun means having to attend blood tests, scans, doctors appointments, pill regimens, and regular checkups weekly, monthly or more in extreme circumstances. And being at home resting is no walk in the park either: you might need to get a higher shelf, you might struggle to fix your pill schedule, you might slip and die and no one will find your lying corpse (ok too much drama, I will calm down).

But yeah, you get the point. People with arthritis have the stuff to get done, sometimes double or triple more stuff that you have to get done on a daily basis. We are not lazy in any sort of way, but sometimes we do get overwhelmed and the need to chill for our own safety. Its normal, healthy and fun.

Fact 5: They are trying as hard as anyone else.

I am not lazy. Everyone that knows me knows I have absolutely zero chills. I enjoy working, shocker! I like learning, getting my stuff together, reading and doing all sorts of things. I also love taking care of my body, researching on how I can help it help me do the things I enjoy so much.

Yeah, I might need a little pushing around sometimes, but that is because of things I cannot control. My joints can have a crisis at any second, and you bet I will not roll on the supermarket floor in agony with my shopping bags when I can calmly proceed to the disabled people line and avoid everyone some trouble- including me.

So please, if you see someone not standing up for the old lady on the bus, do please find her another seat because I can't stand up right now. Work those legs and offer your own seat!

Myth 6: Their problem, my problem.

Living in a time where your private and virtual life constantly overlaps is exciting, but also means that what we perceive as private gets a little blurry.

Again, the whole fairy dust story. This time, a mist of sprinkles and cupcakes or pain and misery blinding you, not letting you perceive reality as it is. Yes, we are getting Neo up in here.

When you tell people you have arthritis, the immediate shock leads them to a very natural place: survival mode.

"You should try this or that!" "Have you considered this? It has Oprah's recommendation, so maybe it will work." "Maybe God is trying to tell you something, better get to work."

"You must be feeling/ perceiving/ doing/ acting/ treating yourself this way. It's the best way!"

There is no such thing as the best way. Scientifically speaking, there are so many ways to treat arthritis, and with all the criteria, surveys and medical information available, it is completely impossible to say to full certainty which of these treatments is actually the best. Maybe Oprah's works for her and some of her fans, but it may not work on my body, and that's ok too. I don't need to feel disappointed that I failed Oprah or anyone, or angry that my body did not react the way it was expected too. I have enough issues to work through already!

So before you aggressively google "how to cure arthritis asap", stop and think about other healthier ways you can vent your worries and actually help us with things we need every day.

Fact 6: Their business is their own.

Ok. This is it. This is the end. In the words of Freddy Mercury, "I don't want to dieeeee, Sometimes wish I'd never been born at all". *epic guitar solo*

You have Arthritis, the Big A. And you have to learn with it and fast, God knows for how long.

Formulating a plan of attack right now may not ease your inner emo right now, but don't sweat it.

Arthritis is no piece of cake, at least it will not be in at least a couple of years. You slowly build habits and coping mechanisms that make those creaky joints just a little better to grip.

So do not come to me with a Shakespearean monologue on how devastated I should be, how my life is over, or worse: how miserable you are for living the unimaginable tragedy of having a disabled buddy. What an incredibly sad event man! How brave of you! I will attend your funeral.

But dress code: facts!

Myth 7: They must be miserable or boring.

Unfortunately, as do other medical issues, arthritis falls under phenomena called invisible illness. These are like those angsty preteens always standing at a 45-degree pose in the school lockers: cold, mysterious, and most of the time unseen. No one bothered to understand them and preferred to go away and check their snapchats streaks as they scoot by.

Arthritis sounds dark and spooky, but I am not sad all the time because of that. Heck, I am sad that my toast gets burnt in the morning, not because I have a life-threatening condition that may or may not stay with me forever! Priorities, people.

I had a hot minute to consider what is important enough to worry about in life. It's part of growing and learning how to cope with this disorder.

So please do not remind me of how sad I must be feeling, or how disappointed my family and friends must be. I am no burden to them, no burden to me and no burden to you, lovely sir. Respect that.

Fact 7: We are fun and approachable.

The angsty teen could have never flowered into a beautiful butterfly goddess without the help of self-worth and friendship. Let's be friends! Let's go out, grab a coffee, talk about the latest gossip or Instagram challenge, watch a movie, a party (with moderation kids), talk in the phone, etc.

Arthritis is hard, and sometimes being open about it with other people your age can be challenging and a struggle. But maybe you can take the lead and show us how fun life can be. Who knows: maybe a lovely friendship will flower.

Myth 8: They must be ultra freaky about everything.

I might not be the most "normal" person in the world, but I am no freaking dinosaur, ok?

Yeah, I take pills, measure my temperature, cancel plans and then remake them because of crisis periods, sit down for a little longer than the average human, etc.

I am not weird or freaky. Sure, I enjoy indie and pokemon soundtracks, but that is aside of the point. We are not here for your entertainment or mean comments about our medical condition.  We do not appreciate being so rudely excluded just because you think you discovered the next cure for cancer or something when looking at us take paracetamol.

Truth 8:  Who wants to be, really?

Relax pal. You will continue your Black Mirror analysis of my life later.

We are just trying to get by. Mean looks or side glances will not help in that process. Get to know us a little better first before putting a magnifying glass at our faces!

Myth 9: They must take huge amounts of commercial medicine.

Warning: I am not your doctor. No degree, no genius, no Jesus. You have been warned.

This is a very touchy subject so bear with me. Whether we take commercial meds is our business. The most common treatments for arthritis are ibuprofen and paracetamol. These divas could be complemented or replaced with a million different treatments, like other medication, natural treatments, nutritional supplements, meditation and diets, surgery or biological agents. The list is literally endless.

How someone chooses to treat themselves is their or their caretaker's concern, not yours. Do not suggest a million treatments at once, you are just confusing us even more!

Commercial medicine is neither good or bad, as long as your doctor or specialist is aware you are taking them. Period. Debate over.

Fact 9: Not necessarily.

Look, guys, it's getting late and I am very lazy right now. I am not about to name and explain every single possible you could take or follow, and I am not going to tell you which is best. Life ain't fair.

Just follow the one you, your caretakers and your specialist see fit. You will have plenty of time to experiment in your own time.

Myth 10: They are all the same.

Short answer: NOOO!!!!

Done.

Fact 10: Shush and listen.

This post is already hella long so I will be short and sweet.

You have ears, use them. Perhaps they are attached to your brain, and your brain has wiggles called neurons, right?

Listen to us arthritis folk. You and we might be amazed by how hardworking, brave, happy, smart, funny, witty and overall badasses we can be if we stick together.

Like Troy Bolton said so gracefully, "this is the last time to get it right, it's now or never". To most of us, that is literally a fact. Enjoy life, what it gives you, what it doesn't and learn to listen.

Listen to your body, to your mind, to others and, most importantly, to yourself.

Aaaand that's all folks! I hope I did not roast you in a permanently bad way or made you feel sad or shocked. Thanks for dropping by and I will see you with future posts!

Links and comments below babies :)

Bye!

References

(1) Yukinori Okada. Genetics of rheumatoid arthritis contributes to biology and drug discovery. Nature. 2013; Available from: https://www.nature.com/articles/nature12873 .

(2) Versus Arthritis. What is arthritis? Available from: https://www.versusarthritis.org/about-arthritis/conditions/arthritis/.

(3) Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, (CDC). Improving the Quality of Life for People With Arthritis

At A Glance. Available from: https://www.cdc.gov/chronicdisease/resources/publications/aag/arthritis.htm.

(4) Frank C. Arnett, Steven M. Edworthy, Daniel A. Bloch, Dennis J. Mcshane, James F. Fries, Norman S. Cooper, et al. The American Rheumatism Association 1987 Revised Criteria for the Classification of Rheumatoid Arthritis. American College of Rheumatology. 1988; Available from: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/epdf/10.1002/art.1780310302 .

(5) Dennis Gray. The treatment strategies for arthritis sufferers. Social Science and Medicine. 1985; 21 (5): 507-515. Available from: https://www.niams.nih.gov/health-topics/arthritis .

(6) National Institute of Arthritis and Muscoskeletal and Skin Disease, (NIH). Arthritis. Available from: https://www.niams.nih.gov/health-topics/arthritis.