#OH IT'S BPD MONTH I DIDN'T REALIZE

[mrs-monaghan]

Honestly, I think payola is happening for JK because it’s nearly impossible to make it onto Hot100 “organically” now. (No doubt he’s being pushed, with Scooter, BPD, radio stations, everybody and they mama posting and hyping Seven.) But we have to remember that Seven only has Itunes, Amazon, Qobuz buys, and no D2C, which was our most powerful tool in getting our JM the #1 he deserved. Without the company stepping in to support it with radioplay, the #1 on Hot100 would be impossible. Now the question is whether or not they will support PJM2 the way they’re pushing Seven. I’m withholding judgement until we see how the company treats PJM2.

Still, this doesn’t negate how LC had INSANE potential to be HUGE, and HYBE completely fumbled the fucking bag. And by fumbled I mean they just about dropped it over the rooftop of the building that JM and BTS built. Kicked it to the curb like it was worth nothing. And that pisses me off and it always will. But Jikookers, please try to tone back the hate towards JK. He doesn’t deserve it. I know the main question is “how can JK accept all this help knowing that JM was snubbed and didn’t get any?” I don’t know, but we do know that Scooter is involved. This man is a toxic snake. We have no idea what’s going down behind the scenes. Really, we have no fucking clue. We can only guess. So please, support Seven if you want to, don’t support it if you don’t want to. But don’t be so quick to jump on JK and accuse him of not caring about JM. Are you kidding me? You’ve really forgotten how much JK loves and takes care of JM, everything they’ve had for the past ten years, everything in the past few months even.

I promise you, there will be a day when we’ll get a tell-all, be it leaked emails or JM himself addressing the issue, perhaps even JK will do/say something. Nothing shady stays hidden forever. Until that day, let’s be patient and kind.

Oh, and for those accusing JK of plagiarism, are you serious? Like, look in the mirror and say that to yourself. “JK is stealing JM’s creative work without his permission.” Yeah, do you realize how fucking dumb you sound? There is undoubtedly glaring similarities between their style and concept choice. Do you ever think for one second — okay, since it’s obviously not plagiarism, what could it be? Could it be that JK is trying to send a fucking message? Or did you ever think for one second that JK could have gone to JM and said, hyung, I really liked what you did, do you mind if I do something similar? They could be laughing and giggling together about the photos literally as we speak, meanwhile people are going after JK with pitchforks saying he’s stealing JM’s story. Fuck off.

Now the question is whether or not they will support PJM2 the way they're pushing seven

This special treatment is for JK and JK only. When we say he is the golden goose that's exactly what we mean. They had plans for him, from day one. He is who they will use to pave the way for BTS and Kpop ig. Idk. Is this for BTS or for themselves? Who tf knows?

Jimin could have done this too. Was doing this. But he isn't who they banked on. Invested in. His success continues to shock them. They had a plan and they refuse to deviate from it.

We saw it coming y'all... why are people mad? Guys, I'm not gonna lie, I'm as as cool as a fucking cucumber. This is my only option. Its either that or join everyone else and be fucking pissed and what good does that do? 😂😂😂

Jimin solos already tagging BH to ask why LC didn't get pushed for radio play like that's gonna do dick. There is a plan in place and there ain't nothing nobody can do to change it.

.

JK didn't steal shit. You're bonkers if you think Jimin wasn't aware of what JK was going to do. And was perfectly okay with it. They are matching on purpose. It's on purpose. Period.

[spudgoddess]

Back in 2020, I discovered a YouTube channel by a guy calling himself Mitten Squad. He did all kinds of crazy gaming challenges. Most of them were for Fallout or Elder Scrolls games. What they all had in common was that they were hilarious. Mitten Squad, or Paul as he also went by (his real name was Robert Joseph Wilson), had a dark, dry, deadpan sense of humor sprinkled with a bit of self-deprecation and a little silliness. I watched his videos constantly. 

Some of my favorite lines include: “I hid from Ringo, by hiding in Ringo.” (Can You Beat Fallout New Vegas with only Boxing Gloves?)

"You're probably wondering which is the boy and which is the girl. I won't give it away, but I will tell you this: the knife is a whore." (Can You Beat Skyrim With Only A Fork?)

“I spy, with my little eye, a vile whore, who needs to die.” (Context: he’s referring to an elderly woman NPC whose very presence always seemed to crash his Fallout 3 playthroughs).

“Explosions were happening. People named Paul were screaming. It was a mess.” (Can You Beat Lonesome Road Without Taking Any Damage?)

"With enough notches on my pistol to spell psychopath in Braille…” (Can You Beat Fallout New Vegas With Only Big Iron?)

“And when I say there were a lot of ants, I mean a lot.of ants. I wouldn't have said a lot of ants if I didn't mean a lot of ants.” (Can You Beat Fallout New Vegas with only Boxing Gloves?)

“You can get a two for one special on Raiders by using the code GRENADE at checkout." (I can never recall the episode, I just remember that it’s Fallout 3.)

“I know a guy who knows a guy, and both of those guys are me.” (Not sure which episode. Also, obligatory Transformers reference, this sounds like something Swindle would say XD).

There are so, so many more. But you get the idea.

There were signs early on that all was not well in Mittenland. He showed a brief clip of arguing with an air conditioner in a hotel room while drunk. Another time, he showed the aftermath of accidentally dropping a liquor bottle into his bathroom sink, breaking the sink. On another occasion, he displayed about 15, maybe 20 or so empty liquor bottles.

I remember thinking maybe he was being edgy, or maybe he’d saved those bottles up over a very long time. But I was wrong.

In 2021, he let his fans know that he was taking a break for several months to work on his issues surrounding alcohol. He’d been struggling for at least nine months, getting blackout drunk 3-4 times a week. Yes, a week. Like so many others, I realized he wasn’t joking, but really had a serious issue with his drinking. He was away for several months, and he seemed like he was getting or doing better. I didn’t follow his Twitter, nor was I on his Discord channel, so I was a little out of the loop. Quite some time later, I saw on the fan subreddit that Paul had been hospitalized for alcohol -related issues, and this was not the first time for him, either. He assured us he was getting better and wasn’t going to stop fighting.

Paul lost his battle with alcoholism in December of 2023. The official cause of death was pancreatitis related to his illness. He was 27.

I was working when I found out. I was on break, decided to look at Reddit, and the announcement  had been made. Since the internet is often full of said hoaxes, I stubbornly refused to believe it at first. But Paul’s dad confirmed it. I cried for the rest of the day.

Please, everyone, at the risk of sounding like a cliche or a commercial, if you or someone you love is struggling with any kind of mental health issue, including substance abuse, please, please get help.Even if you think to yourself ‘Oh it’s not that bad, I just like to have fun and drink a little too much.’ Please get help.

I struggle with mental health issues (C-PTSD, rejection sensitivity, and possible BPD–jury still out on that one, as ADHD can mimic it in some ways and I haven’t been tested yet) and I know the misery they can cause. Thankfully, I have a strong support system, and I know Paul did too. I like to think that if the pancreatitis hadn’t done him in, he’d have won the fight.

Rest in peace, Paul.

We love you.

[stellacadente]

so like having memory issues sucks sooo bad

i lost 2 umbrellas in like. 2 or 3 weeks maybe a month (you guessed it i can't really remember. passage of time is so hard) bc it rains, i use this neat little umbrella.... put it down at the bus stop just for a second so i can get something from my backpack and completely forget i ever had it and hop on the bus without my neat little umbrella! fuck! my mum bought me this one (i didn't lose the previous one tbf.. it broke)! so then a couple of weeks later, still without an umbrella bc yeah, i keep forgetting to buy a new one, i have to be out all day, and it's raining hard and will all day, so my mum offers to give me her umbrella. she doesn't really need to walk or anything today anyway. i'll give it back later. yeah right. except i enter the place where i have to take my driving license quiz, i put down my umbrella, right there at the entrance, and when i walk out later it's not raining and i have completely forgotten i ever had an umbrella with me. my mum's umbrella. which i leave there. bye bye to another umbrella. i tell my mum a few hours after i realize... i was scared she'd get mad. she gets mad. how can you forget this stuff all the time. just think about these things a little more. just pay more attention. ah. right. as if that's easy. i tell her! it's not easy! i feel awful about this, i feel awful every time! i'm frustrated. i want her to understand i don't do this bc i don't care about my or other people's things or don't pay attention to them. i tell her look, every time i get to work i go upstairs to refill my water bottle. then i get coffee and/or chat with coworkers. i put my water bottle down, i need my hands to get coffee. and every time. every. time. i go downstairs and realize i left my water upstairs. i curse myself, i groan, i tell myself come one nico, you must remember later/tomorrow. i almost never do. my mum sighs and laughs awkwardly. yeah, mum, i know, i'm not even 30 and my memory's already fucked. i must have some problem, i say. it's only half a joke. i know i do. she half-jokes too, oh that's for sure, haha. i just don't know which one the many problems i do in fact have are to blame for this. is it the abuse and trauma? the bpd that was the result of it? the many meds i've taken for the bpd and all the rest? the times i've abused those meds? all of those, something else? i don't know. i just know it's hard to feel like everything, from memories to objects to knowledge, is a second away from being lost to me. always. few things feel like they last. and as a person who's obsessed with forever, as a person who loves to learn and know and watch and read and listen, as a person who cares even too deeply sometimes... i feel like i lost myself every day. if myself even exists. what am i when i don't remember most of my life? when i've forgotten almost everything about people who mean the world to me, bc they've been gone for so long? i forget birthdays, i forget ages, i forget umbrellas, i forget unloading the washing machine, i forget i already told you this, i forget smiles, i forget movies, i forget things i studied, i forget i had to call, i forget i needed to add something to the guidebook, i forget if i already took my med or not, i forget my favorite concert, i forget my favorite book, i forget. i forget again.

yesterday i went on a rant on the discord server i'm in with my friends, even if i knew it wasn't likely anyone would see it, bc the server's not very active now and that channel especially, no one looks at it. but i was so so scared i'd forget what happened the other day and even worse would start doubting whether it all happened for real or i made up half of it to make up for voids in my memory. that happens often with stuff like that. the therapist i had my first appointment with was very weird about me being trans and i kept thinking about it and feeling bad and the more i think something over, something i'm upset about, the more i get scared that i'm not recalling things right. so i had to write it all down somewhere other people could, even just potentially, see, and i could look back on. i mean yeah, i also did need to talk about it, so it would've been nice if someone read and replied too, but it's okay, i just at least needed to put it down in words as soon as possible.

i guess i'm just scared it'll get worse and worse the more i age and it's already pretty bad now and yeah

[muffinninjafairy]

Life Update

Oh my goodness, to be quiet frank I have no idea when was the last time I have actually sat down and made a text post. I one day was going through my archives and everything that was going on in my personal life from over a decade ago and never really spoke about what happened to me from then to now... so I guess I will.

I've personally have been more active socially on discord, and more so been using my socials as platforms for my work, but I also remembered , this is my blog so I'm gonna blog. I have no clue how many people from all those years ago are still on here but if you are, I hope all is well.

TIME CAPSULE TIME~ (These are all summaries of the time minimizing details because of personal reasons) I guess I would say my activity started to become less and less as of like 2015 - 2016, Like I was on here, but mostly reblogging and running off. To put it in the frankest of terms, I was having a sever mental episodes during that time frame. With a lot of personal situations happening with my family and not being in a healthy environment to properly regulate my emotions nor the proper support system to help me with what I was going through.

On July 11th 2015 I was admitted to the hospital for a mental breakdown that caused me to be taken away via ambulance. There I was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar 1 (manic depressive episodes) . The health care system where I came from was not at all great, my phycologist over medicated me to the point where I would have black out spells and seizers (then given medication for those seizers) . My family still then refused to support me and so I clung to what ever I could for validation. As a result of this I tried to become hyper independent.

Months after being released from the hospital I moved out of my house and with an old high school buddy and their partner. Then after I entered a long distance relationship. Which in toe turned very toxic very fast. But being blinded by my BPD, I stuck with it for 2.5 years.

In February of the next year I was kicked out of my roommates apartment because of my job being closed down and had no income. So I was forced to move back home with my father. In those years from 2016 - 2018 felt like my absolute rock bottom, I would have extended periods of time where I never left the house and hid in my room. In fear of the world around me. My relationship was not helping if not hurting me more and more. They did not care about me or what was going on, only what they wanted out of the relationship. My father was becoming more and more verbally abusive and felt that I deserved nothing. I did have a new job then too but it was a dead end job and was paying very little (8.25$ an hour when I left I was being paid 10$ an hour)

2018 comes around, this is where I feel things starting to change, I met my DnD Group (March 2018) at this time but because of the toxicity of my ex, they left me because I would no longer isolate myself and wanted friends. (May 2018) Time goes by, me and the DM of the DnD start becoming closer and start our relationship in Sept. 21, 2018.

2019 Comes by and I get hit with reality, I need help. My episodes were coming back and I was hurting those around me, So finally I pulled my boot straps and looked for professional help. Once I found the therapist for me, I started to improve, my relationship with my partner and my friends increased in strength. I was still having problems at home with my family, but came to the realization that if they didn't want to be part of my healing journey then they didn't need to.

2020 is here and me and my partner are becoming serious, to the point of planning our future together. we scrounged and saved until the end of the year where we finally had enough to move in together in a new state. I quit my dead end job, and sent my stuff across country.

In Febuary of 2021 I finally said goodbye to my home and my partner and I moved to their grandmothers home temporarily until we secured an apartment. Once we did we collected everything and with the moving truck we drove to our new home.

we have been here ever since and I could not be happier. I have had a stable job for 2 years now, I've also been promoted within the company, I can actually go out now with out having an anxiety attack, I have friends both online and IRL, I have been in a 5 year relationship and still striving for the future. I can finally be myself without having to hide away in a room for years. I can actually be independent. It took some time but I feel much more mentally healthy.

Long Story Short: For a very long time I was stunted by my environment and did not have tools properly to grow until one day I was allowed to. Now I'm doing much more positive things for myself and receiving the support I needed. I am loved and cared for. Life can get better. I am doing a lot better.

I honestly do not know how many people are still here that knew me during this time period . But I am alive, healthy, and being the best I can be.

I also don't know why I felt the need to explain my life, I guess reflecting from then to now. I guess I wanted to share my progression cause I am proud of who I am now. And if throwing it into this void and someone sees this. Hope this lets you know that things can get better.

Love you cuties Shaylee

[angel---eater]

I'm so anxious about tomorrow's tabletop session 0 but only because two of our friends and massive fucking flakes, and even though they said they could do tomorrow, they very well might flake out again. And I'm anxious about it because my partner system's mental health kind of depends on this going well. They haven't been doing great for a while and if this falls through, it'll be devastating. They have to go back to their job soon, which is actively destroying their mental health, and they won't have the time or energy to finish doing the bg work for this campaign if we have to wait for them. Our friends have been genuinely busy with their own really big and scary stuff, but they've been able to rest for a few days, so please dear fucking god let them show up tomorrow, please please please

We love them and in a big way we wouldn't be so hurt/irritated/anxious about it if we didn't. We've all been through literal hell together. We've seen a lot of shit and they've both dodged and taken serious bullets for all of us. But there's a major unbalance at the moment where they're taking a lot but never actually giving back. The rest of our friends feel taken for granted too, and it just really sucks having this underlying tension while they're completely oblivious to their own growing toxicity.

Basically, they both have NPD. Which is fine because I and another of our other friends struggle with it too. My system specifically talks openly about our experience and thoughts about it to help destigmatize, just, feeling stuff about it, and having it in general. But they're at that funny part of the not-quite-recovery stage where they've accepted the fact that they have this, that they are narcissists, which imo is extremely important in NPD management, but... they haven't moved onto the 'oh shit I've been acting like an asshole w/o fully realizing. I should do something about that' stage. They just joke about being narcissists in a really flippant way. Usually after talking about something they did earlier that week that was bordering toxic, actually toxic, or just reckless to their safety. And it's just.... I'm tired of just being an audience? And it really makes my skin crawl as someone who's been putting in the work (and its hard fucking work, especially when you more than likely have BPD too) for years, mainly without even realizing I was doing work specifically for NPD. We only put that together a few months ago.

We've been trying to think of any possible way we could talk to them about this stuff without risk of one or both of them blowing up at us again. Because god fucking damn do we not want another needless fight. We just want them to listen to the rest of us and take better care of themselves, because them not doing either makes the rest of us feel like shit. That feel when the whole party has RSD :/

[marshmallowprotection]

hellohello!!! i would like a matchup, if possible :) i'm aromantic demisexual, so i'd like a queerplatonic or soft romo one if possible!! i get skittish and anxious about overtly romantic gestures and expectations, but stuff like dates and affection/intimacy is fine to mention as a sidenote :3 (just pls dont match me with yoosung! i dont like him)

i'm 22yo, exactly 5'3", have short wavy brown hair and blue eyes. i'm pretty pale because i don't get out much - i have social anxiety and agoraphobia. i ALSO have bpd and ptsd, which i've been recently unpacking. i didn't realize my trauma was as bad as it is until the past few months, unfortunately.

PERSONALITY STUFF! First off, i have terrible issues with knowing what I'm like! Self image issues and all that. I don't think I'm terrible, but I do have somewhat low self esteem and struggle to figure out what to call myself unless someone else calls me a certain trait or whatever. I tend to mirror back whatever energy people throw at me, unless you're my fp, in which case I'm a ride or die who is very stubborn about it. I'm an Aquarius, ESFP (which surprised me because I act a lot more like an introvert! but cognitive functions don't really lie), 2w3 sx/sp. some traits that have been used to describe me by either myself or others: kind, selfless, moody, sensitive, emotional, holds grudges, passionate, curious, casually flirty (with friends), loyal, honest (i'm a terrible liar), infinitely patient, mom friend. my love languages are physical touch and receiving gifts. i like joking that i have the strongest fawn response to man, and am just now really allowing myself to be angry and hurt over my trauma. there's times where i have to lay down and listen to angry music just to vent it all out.

which leads into hobbies! listening to music is one of my primary coping mechanisms and also a hobby, though i tend to stick mostly to bands i know. my fav genres are indie, pop, rock, and sometimes for spice i like breakcore, industrial, emo, punk, country. i also got into lace tatting recently, though i use it more to stim than make anything concrete. i've gotten back into reading and writing recently, though. i actually finished a four book series recently, and i'm very proud of myself :) i haven't actually finished a book in years

regarding partners, i look for someone who is honest and communicative. i want someone that can understand me, or at least who seeks to try to! i took a uquiz a while back that tells you what form your love takes, and i got 'love as being known', and that REALLY is just... absolutely true. i want someone to look at me, REALLY look at me, see all of my darkest sides, and then look me in the eyes afterwards and still love me. (can you tell that i really relate to saeran yet skdhfksjf) OH! i think a note i want to mention is like. the love song i relate closest to my having feelings fr anyone in general is despair by leo :) bodybag by chloe moriondo also fits really well, for a different mood. those two songs blended together prob exemplify my reaction to having feelings for anyone period. i tend to be really cheerful, and just feel A LOT about any partner i have, so i tend to act in a cheerful, passionate, affectionate way in my relationships. i'm still learning proper boundaries, but i try to reign myself in as best i can when it's inappropriate or overstepping, and communicate when needed (even if it takes me a long while to figure out how to word it sometimes bc i'm a massive overthinker)! i know how to cope with my bpd, but that doesn't stop me from feeling the symptoms and such.

a note about relating to saeran actually, my fav of all of the forms he's taken is actually suit saeran! idk, i relate to him way too much ^^; i'm also a very angry person who holds strong grudges and can be vindictive, i just hide it really well since i don't want to get into any trouble (i'm kind even when i really don't want to be! it can get annoying sometimes because i don't LIKE being a people-pleaser, but man do i hate people being angry at me even more). i can also relate to ray, but i like ignoring that even though i also adore him to bits! it feels a bit too vulnerable sometimes, to do that. which somehow makes me sound even more like suit skdjfhskjdh

ANYWAYS I'M DONE TRAUMADUMPING IN HERE /J all of this came out way more moody(???? idk what word to use here) than i meant but well. shrug emoji. it's been the mood as of late. thank you for reading all of this and for whatever answer you give btw!!!

I match you with...

Jumin!

Would you believe that people who found comfort in communication and understanding often skew the more toward Jumin and Saeran in their character rankings? Well, my friend, you value honesty in a way that one those who seek to talk deep into the night with others can see.

You're a do-er, a giver, someone who wants to make sure that a lot of people are taken care of, but sometimes you go overboard and forget to tell yourself that what matters the most is taking care of your needs first, and everyone else comes after that. You need to be comfortable to take care of others! That's how it goes, and you need someone who not only balances you with their personality but their wish to bloom.

It goes without saying that you bring out the best in him and he brings out the best in you. He stops trying to hold himself back and he starts thinking about how to have fun without thinking about how it may appear to other people. He can laugh, and finally be himself, and isn't that the most beautiful thing in the world?

You make people feel so comfortable that they finally have the opportunity to shine. Jumin's eyes sparkle when you humor him every step of the way when he talks for hours about magic! It's the same for him when he gets to see you laugh for the first time, gushing about something that makes you feel good in a way that nobody's ever seen before. It might seem strange to have a bond with him such as this when he seems like a man who is dominated by desire, but more than anything, he wants someone in his life who understands him deeply, and you fit that bill.

[crazylil-lion]

You know one of the key markers for bpd is unstable relationships.

Personally I'm too obsessive I want to talk to them at least once an hour preferably more but I understand people get busy.

I want them to want to spend time with me. To value it and cherish the minutes we get with eachother.

Multiple times in the past people never listened to my needs of validation. Not being left on read for super long periods of time.

And the biggest is not invalidating how I feel.

An example is this girl I was talking to for a month and a half was perfect we got along great and I really liked her she liked me.

The problem was I never feel safe it takes daily validation and expressions of love. She had a life she was healing from the past and need some days where she didn't have to message anyone.

The problem came when she blew up at me for asking for some validation when my brain was being stupid.

I think most people when you reach out and tell them "Hey I feel like you hate me because of x and y ridiculous reasons but I really need to hear you WANT to be with me. To spend time with me. "

They feel attacked like you are saying hey all those amazing and wonderful things you did for me are meaningless.

This is the struggles with emotional permanence. Sometimes I can not remember details from an episode good or bad. More importantly because I have never had a safe home with someone I could trust I never feel safe.

It's not just treating someone like someone in my past. EVERYONE has been like that. They love me everything is great for the first few months until my neediness comes out.

Until they become my fp and I feel fucking empty and worthless without their love.

I realize that I've hurt people unintentionally mostly because of my fear of abandonment but people don't understand how brutal it is.

My brain is awful it makes me feel fucked up things it constantly floods me with paranoid thoughts. But is it a paranoid thought when it's happened hundreds and hundreds of times?

It's hard to separate what is bs my bpd makes up and what is a logical assumption.

I'm constantly arguing with myself trying to be better to be less needy. To not instantly pick up my phone to respond because honestly normally people take hours to respond because I'm not that important to them.

Most people treat me as temporary. So maybe I have a reason for issues with emotional permanence because I've been used and manipulated my whole life.

I just wish someone really took the time to HEAR me when I talk about my experiences or the things I struggle with. I am very open about my bpd and how I overreact sometimes.

The issue is. People use my bpd to gaslight me. To tell me my reality is fake. To tell me the argument they started over blowing up and invalidating me was all in my mind. They twist and turn arguments so it is always my fault even when they do something wrong.

I get it. I am needy. I cause problems. I will ask if you hate me once a day.

But if someone made me feel safe. Took the months and months to work things out with me. Everything gets better. With my ex I was with for 2 years everything got to a point it was blissful.

Both of us were so happy until she left me basically because she kept getting asked out and thought she would find someone better. Only to come back and say. Oh no one else has treated me like you.

If someone takes the time I would do anything in my power to make them happy.

I would give them the world to see them smile.

But no one takes the time to learn my traumatized mind.

Because the truth is I was damaged so young everything changed. I developed brain damage basically after so many years of abuse and neglect.

Earlier than I can remember all the way back to when I was 2-3 and my mom and all my family on her side made videos of me crying after they insulted my dad over and over and over. Insulted me for being his child. Telling me how worthless I was.

And they recorded it sent it to dad.

They recorded my suffering while LAUGHING at my pain. Idk that I will ever get better from everything I went through. Idk that Ill ever really be safe with someone.

I just wish someone would really try to understand I never wanted to be this way. I never wanted to be this monster that needs people to feel whole.

I just wish. I was easier to love so maybe I could experience the intimacy almost everyone else has gotten to experience.

[thebadboyfanclub]

The Sun And Moon (Pete Davidson x Reader)

Heyyyyyy besties! So I'm back with another white boy of the month. I would like to warn you that this will be mentioning Pete's BPD and the reader will be mentioned as somebody that has had traumatic experiences however i am not mentioning what does that imply so don't worry about it. Other than that I hope you enjoy!

Being with Pete was almost a gift and a curse, you were so different yet so alike. The ultimate example of twinflames, the yin and yang. If someone had to describe what you two were like was that (y/n) was like the sun, a warm personality with kindness and such just overall this untouchable beauty from inside and out, also she adores to be under the sun, Pete sometimes found her as she laid on the floor next to her cat just so she can enjoy the warm rays, sometimes she would have her crystals (Pete called them "magic rocks") which Pete found so adorable, also as the weather got warmer she got happier.

Pete was the moon, a little bit more moody, mysterious, yet alluring, he intrigued anyone that was around him. Unlike (y/n) Pete was a night owl, he liked late night drives, staying up all night just smoking weed and watching movies, he liked the silence that the nightfall brought, he felt more at peace with the idea of relaxing and enjoying the darkness that others feared. Many times (y/n) woke up in the middle of the night and found him on her balcony, just sitting there and enjoying the view.

People around them brought up that comparison so much that they even got it as a couples tattoo, (y/n) got the sun behind her ear and Pete got the moon on his left middle finger cause he found it funny. However the curse was that they had to learn how to be around one another, yes they had similarities but they weren't quite the same situations.

Pete was a comedian, (y/n) was an author, both of them had to sometimes sit their ass down and think of something to write, but the circumstances were different. 

"Baby I'm here"

Pete said as he shut the door of (y/n)'s apartment, dropping his pair of keys on the bowl that she had conveniently placed on a piece of furniture right next to her front door. Pete waited for an answer while taking off his shoes, (y/n) liked structure and she was a very neat person, another thing Pete had to learn, he wasn't dirty but he was a tad bit of messy so when he was at her apartment (which basically had become his also) he was careful with how he did things.

Silence greeted him back, he sucked in his teeth as he realized exactly why this was happening. (Y/n) had mentioned that she was writing the second book of her fantasy novel and she was in a bit of a writer's block, she had so many fresh ideas however when it came to writing them down sometimes her mind just wouldn't co operate and she just couldn't get it down in a way that she found right. He left the take out food on the small coffee table and continued to walk towards her bedroom. 

There she was, slightly laying back on her leather chair with her laptop in front of her, just staring at her screen and occasionally pressing a few buttons. The door was somewhat open so he could take a good look at her, her hair was down, she was wearing some shorts and a t-shirt she had accidentally spilled bleach on so now it was a house shirt and no socks, she hated wearing socks. Pete knocked on the semi closed door to get her attention.

"Oh I didn't hear you come in"

"I figured, what are you doing here babe?"

"Regretting my decision on signing the contract for a second book"

She mumbled when Pete approached her and leaned down to press several kisses on her neck and cheeks. (Y/n) smiled and enjoyed the feeling of comfort he brought her before shaking her head and pulling away from him.

"I need to finish this chapter"

"What you need to do is eat, I'm pretty sure you skipped breakfast"

She knew he was right, that's why she didn't respond so she just kept on staring at her laptop screen, hoping that miraculously an idea will come to her head. She deeply appreciated his concern but she felt the pressure of her publicist that called everyday to ask about the book, today was one of the few days she chose to not pick up the phone. Pete once again was met with silence although that didn't stop him from placing his hands on her shoulders to give her a massage.

"Come on sunshine, you can take a break and clear your head"

"Pete I have to write thousands of pages in a short amount of time, it's not just fucking punchlines"

Pete's face made a sour expression at her jab. It did sting a little bit yet he tried to understand that she was just overwhelmed with the responsibility of delivering on time. He took a deep breath before patting her on the head and turning away from her.

"I'll be in the living room"

For some time she felt relieved that he left so she could refocus, however after a few moments when she started to see her reflection on the screen she started to realize what she had done which was awful. She felt so bad that she had to shut down the screen and close her laptop so she wouldn't look at herself, she spoke in such a disregarding manner that she felt disgusted. With tears already clouding her eyes she got up and found Pete watching TV, the take out in front of him and it didn't take long for her to notice that he had bought her favorite making her feel even worse. She stood in front of the TV and Pete looked in her eyes and smiled.

"I'm sorry"

Her voice breaks in the middle of the sentence. Pete's smiled dropped when he saw a year escaping and heard her whimpering voice, he immediately got up from the couch and went to hug her.

"Its okay sunshine"

"No it's not, I didn't mean it I swear"

"I know baby"

"I'm just so… stressed"

She said and let herself relax in his arms as she wrapped hers around his torso, feeling the warmth of his engulf her. His scent went to her nose making her feel safe in his arms as the tears stained his sweatshirt. Pete started rubbing her back to help her let out her emotions, he knew how emotional (y/n) was and he found it cute how she feels like cry no matter what the situation was, she had happy tears, angry tears, sad tears, she saw a dog tears, attending a wedding tears, he didn't mind it though on the contrary he liked that she was able to express her emotions with no fear.

"I understand baby, it did sting a bit though, you know how much I love my work"

"I know, I wasn't thinking when I said it which is wrong"

They had agreed that they wouldn't do the "it's ok" type of shit, they preferred to actually say when something either hurt them or bothered them so they can have clear boundaries with one another, it was one of the best decisions they could have ever made, it was one of the strongest foundations they had for their relationship. (Y/n) looked at him and Pete immediately went to wipe her tears, before pressing a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm sorry"

"I accept your apology. Are you feeling better now?"

"A little bit. Thank you for forgiving me and I will try to do my best to not repeat that behavior"

She responded, her voice now was more steady and clear.  Setting boundaries between them and being clear about the behavior that is acceptable was something they had established early in the relationship, Pete was diagnosed with BPD and (y/n) had trauma from past experiences so they had agreed to see a couple's therapist in order for them to move on with their relationship in a healthy manner, so things like "it's ok" or "you know I didn't mean it that way" were unacceptable, taking accountability for their actions and having the humility to apologize was their key to success.

Pete's smile reappeared and now gave her a kiss on her lips, making (y/n) get a bit of a shiver down her spine. Their kisses always felt so strong, like energy passing through one to the other, it was such a magical experience to them.

"Are we good?"

"Yes, now take a seat and I'll microwave your food"

"Wow, Gordon Ramsey would be so proud of you"

[qianinterprises]

WayV Reaction: finding out their S/O has Borderline Personality Disorder

Pairing(s): WayV x Reader Genre: angst, fluff Warnings: mention of mental health, depression, anxiety, symptom's included in BPD. Trigger Warnings: depression, anxiety, hostility, mention's of self-harm, self-doubt, low self-image Word Count: 3.9k

Author's Notes: I'll be honest and say that I had to research Borderline Personality Disorder. I knew what it was/had heard of it before, but in order to write something accurate, I tried to educate myself. If you believe that you have BPD, please don't be afraid to go to a doctor or a trusted friend/family member. Your mental health is important.

Author's Note 2.0: I also want to mention that (as per earlier request), I am also working on a YangYang fic that features a reader with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm not entirely sure when it will be posted (soon hopefully), but it is in my WIP's.

Author's Note 2.0: Kun's is a little different, I apologize for the difference and the shortness. Tagging:@treasuretaeil

Kun:

Kun was in the middle of dance practice when his phone began to ring. At first, he let it go to voicemail, but by the third ring, Ten paused the music and Kun grabbed his phone out of his coat pocket, expecting to see your name popping up on the screen. You were at home today after a particularly rough week at work that had left you feeling spent. Kun longed to be home with you, holding you tight in his embrace. As his eyes met your next door neighbor's name on his phone screen, his stomach dropped. Mrs. Huang only called when it was really serious. "Hello?" he asked into the receiver. "Oh thank goodness!" she cried, voice laced with anxiety enducing agitation. "What's wrong?" "It's (y/n)! They've brought me five big tins of muffins! I can't possibly eat all of these! And they've gone to the store twice with ingredients! I think something's wrong! Kun sighed. This morning, you had been so happy. You were practically singing to the birds. He knew it wouldn't last though, especially with the week you'd had. "I'll be there soon!" Kun left practice without another word and when he got home, he found you in the kitchen, covered in flour, vigorously mixing a creamy liquid in one of your metal mixing bowls. The kitchen was covered in ingredients; flour puffed on the counters and floor, broken egg shells on the table, a half empty measuring cup of milk teetering on top of the fridge. It was bad this time. Kun knew you had borderline personality disorder. It had been something you'd told him in the beginnings of your relationship. He had seen you at your worst, and at your best, but it still broke his heart every time he witnessed you at a breaking point. "(y/n)?" You paused in your vigorous mixing, eyes glancing up to meet his. He didn't say anything, eyes locked on yours, but his eyes held no pity. Instead, they held pure, unfiltered love that had you putting the whisk aside. "Do you love me?" you whispered. A small wisp of a smile reflected across his face as he crossed the room, arms wrapping around your body. "More than anything," he whispered.

Ten:

You and Ten had only been together for a short amount of time; three months to be exact. It was an exhilarating three months. Time you wouldn't give for anything in the world, even though you didn't get to see each other often with Ten's very busy schedule. However, after the "Kick Back" album released, WayV was allowed to take a break as SM turned their attention to the scheduled release of NCT Dream's first album. Normally, Ten would then be whisked away for some SuperM promotion, but with Baekhyun's enlistment, SuperM was also allowed to take a break as the company decided what to do. Which ultimately meant you got to spend more time with your boyfriend, which, most would deem as a good thing and, you were happy he was there, however, it became a lot harder to hide your little secret from him. Your best friend, Kun, had introduced you to Ten (and the rest of the members), when Kun officially became a member of NCT. Kun and Ten had immediately hit it off as friends, which meant you also spent a lot of time with Ten, thus leading to a blossoming friendship and later attraction. So Ten lying in your bed snoring softly wasn't that far of a stretch from a common day encounter. The difference was, today, you didn't feel like yourself. Being in a friendship with Ten meant that, yes, you saw him often, but not often enough that you couldn't keep parts of yourself private. Which is exactly what you did, especially as your tiny crush on Ten grew into something mutual, eventually leading to a relationship. The truth you were so afraid of revealing was your disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder. A disorder you'd been diagnosed with since you were a your teenager. You'd been teased and bullied for it when a classmate you'd once called a friend announced your disorder to the entire school. This, in turn, had terrified you of ever telling anyone, which you had gotten away with. Ten didn't know and, if you had it your way, he'd never know. He was an idol. What did he need with a girlfriend with this disorder. However, with him hanging around a lot... "Hey? What's wrong?" Ten's voice snapped you from your thoughts. You'd been so distracted you hadn't realized his soft snoring had ceased. "Nothing," you said softly. His lips pursed, perplexed as he softly reached a hand up to brush across your cheek, something he'd done several times. But today, you didn't want it. You shied away from his hand, curling yourself up on the opposite side of the bed, cursing yourself for acting different than usual, but you couldn't help it. Ten didn't bat an eye. He simply gave you a soft smile and sat up in the large bed, but he didn't try to touch you again. "Feeling sad today?" he asked. You nodded meekly. "Would you like to talk about it?" he asked. You paused for a moment to think it over. You truly didn't. You wished you could keep it a secret forever, because Ten might leave you. But you also knew that the stress was taking it's toll on you. "I have Borderline Personality Disorder..." you whispered. He didn't say anything at first and you were preparing yourself for him to call you a freak and leave. Instead, he stretched his arm out and softly wrapped his pinky around yours. "I don't know much about it. But I promise I will learn," he whispered. Tears brimmed your eyes because finally, someone wasn't going to leave you.

WinWin:

You had never been much of a touchy person. Holding hands was one thing, and even then, something you weren't wholly comfortable with, but hugging was completely different. You didn't care much for hugs, especially from complete strangers that often found you rude for rejecting their hug. You barely even hugged your own family, let alone a total stranger. This was possibly what spurred on your relationship with Sicheng who, also didn't care much for physical affection, despite the fact the other members of NCT practically drowned him in it. Your relationship was just... different. At least in the minds of society because you didn't cuddle against Sicheng's chest constantly or plop down on his lap just because he was sitting down. Instead, you preferred wrapping your pinky around his or draping one of his sweaters over your shoulders. This worked for the two of you though others found it strange. However, there was an anomaly that Sicheng, though you had been together for a little over two years, had no idea about. This anomaly included the fact that sometimes, you liked hugs. Sometimes, all you wanted to do was drape yourself over your boyfriends lap and let him hold you until your mind screamed at you for the overload of affection. Sometimes you wanted him to wrap his arms around you in bed and fall asleep with you on his chest. That's what happens when you have Borderline Personality Disorder, and it wouldn't have been that big of a deal if Sicheng had known, but he didn't. It started out you longing to keep it a secret in the early days of your relationship. It wasn't something you advertised very often. However, as your relationship progressed, you knew you should have told him, but as five months turned into six, it became a crushing weight of guilt for not telling him in the beginning. Sicheng had already invested a lot of time and love in the relationship when you had not been wholly honest with him. And the more time that passed, the harder it was for you to get the words out. At this point, it wasn't even your fear of rejection because of the disorder, it was a nagging fear that your dishonesty about the disorder would drive him away from you. That would truly be a crushing point. However, as Sicheng began spending more nights at your apartment, it was getting increasingly harder to hide, especially as your mood dropped or when you suddenly began to crave affection. Times like today. The moment you'd rolled out of bed, you knew you needed some type of affection, but as Sicheng made no advance to give it to you throughout the day, your mood dropped. It really wasn't his fault. He had no idea how you were feeling, but as you finally had had enough and wrapped your arms around him from behind while he was washing the dishes after dinner, you felt him stiffen before grabbing a towel to dry his hands. "What's up with you today?" The question was an honest one, but it still felt as though you were making him uncomfortable by touching him. As your arms slacked from around him, a tear sprang to your eye but you were quick to wipe it away as he turned to face you. "I need to tell you something..." Your voice was wavering. You had no idea how he would respond. He nodded for you to continue, one of his hands gently taking hold of yours, playing with your fingers as a soft sense of relief washed through you. "I have Borderline Personality Disorder." His once blank face morphed into one of confusion. "What's that?" he asked tentatively. You sighed. You had been expecting the question but that didn't make it any easier to define. "Its like having mood swings. One day I feel happy the other sad... Sometimes anti-hugs, sometimes super affectionate." You could tell he was still confused, but as he nodded and wrapped his arms around your body, drawing you against his tall frame, you let out a shuddered breath, body relaxing against him.

Lucas:

Books were never Yukhei's strong suit. He preferred numbers and basic information plotted out clearly in front of him. Books were too all over the place with too much information. He wished they could be like websites that gave him the briefest of explanations with a "read more" feature. Yet here he was, flipping through slightly crinkled pages because he wanted to truly understand, and books were always credited with having the most information. "I have Borderline Personality Disorder," you had explained earlier that day when you had ducked out of the way of one of his mega bear hugs and proceeded to slump your shoulders and beg him to give you time alone. You'd locked yourself in your shared bedroom after that and, although you had texted him to apologize for your behavior, you added that today was just an off day, your disorder really affecting your mood. "Well how can I help?" he had asked. It was your response that prompted him here, pouring over books in the local library hoping to find anything that would help him understand Borderline Personality Disorder in the best way possible. As he flipped through pages and learned, he had begun to feel several different emotions. On one end, he felt sorry that you'd had to go through the disorder alone, but on the other, he questioned why you'd never told him, even after a year of being together. However, a big part of him wondered if maybe you had been telling him, just without words, especially because you'd never tried to hide any of your mood swings. He'd just always assumed you were on your period. As the hours ticked away, Yukhei's eyes remained glued to the startlingly dry books stacked up around him, but as he learned more about the disorder and, by default, more about you, he couldn't seem to stop. At least not until his phone vibrated in his pocket and, as he fished it out, your smiling face met his eyes. He answered the facetime request and gave you a tired smile that quickly morphed into concern when he noticed your bloodshot eyes. "Baby? What's wrong? Did something happen?" "My boyfriend left me! That's what happened!" Were you... pouting? "I didn't leave baby, I'm at the library." Confusion flashed across your face. "Why?" "To learn more about Borderline Personality Disorder." A giggle erupted from your lips and Yukhei sure was glad to hear it, especially after reading texts about BPD leading to depression. "Why didn't you just google it?" His mouth gaped open as he dramatically clutched his chest. "Googling something so important in my significant other's life?! That's scandalous! I should do enough research to write my own 20-page essay!" This time, it was a full blown laugh. "You're a dork!" "I'm your dork!" "Well come home, dork! There's a lot we have to discuss!" Your smiling face alleviated any fears that may have been swirling around Yukhei's chest. With a nod, he slammed a book shut so hard it send a loud, slamming bang throughout the library, prompting nasty looks sent his way. Sheepishly, he waved them off and stood up. "I'll be home soon," he promised, blowing you a kiss before hanging up. Yukhei had taken the hastily thrown news a lot better than you'd expected. You knew he couldn't have learned everything, specifically because it varied person to person, but you knew that he would be there for you, even on your bad days. And that was all you could ask for.

Xiaojun:

Dejun was incredibly perceptive, even if he was incredibly dumb sometimes. He could tell when you weren't quite feeling yourself, even though he often didn't know what was causing it. It was at those times that he did everything he could to put a smile back on your face and make you feel "normal" again. He didn't understand how counter productive that actually was. It was really your fault. You were the one keeping secrets, but as the smile fell from your face the second Dejun traded the couch for the shower, you couldn't help but think that maybe he simply preferred you to be happy rather than deal with you when you weren't. Somewhere in the back of your head, you knew he was just doing what he thought would help, but now, especially in your state of mind, you couldn't shake the aching feeling in your head. "Hey, are there towels- are you crying?" Dejun's voice yanked you out of your thoughts and you brought your hands to your cheeks, rapidly trying to wipe away the clear droplets painting your face, but it was too late. Dejun had already seen. He was shirtless when he perched on the couch beside you, face etched in concern. He opened his mouth, likely to retort off some lame dad joke or tell you some funny story you'd heard a thousand times. "Can you not?" You hadn't meant to snap. The words had simply flown out before you'd had the chance to them. His face fell into a pout that you knew you often fell for, but today, it only upset you more. "Stop Dejun!" The pout fell away. "Stop what? I'm not doing anything!" "You're trying to make me smile!" He blinked, staring at you for a moment. "That's a bad thing?!" You sighed, slumping against the couch cushions, resigning yourself to the fact that he didn't understand. Then again, you didn't let him understand. "Just tell me why I'm upsetting you," he begged, all traces of bad humor gone, replaced with sincerity. "I have Borderline Personality Disorder! My mood fluctuates! And when you try to make me smile when I'm sad or mad makes me feel like you don't like me when I'm not always happy. But I can't always be happy." He stared at you in shock for a moment, mouth opening and closing as if he didn't know how to respond. An appropriate response, you supposed. You'd been friends for a while now and dating for several months, yet this was the first time you'd told him. You were about to get up from the couch, sighing as he didn't respond after several minutes, when he placed a hand on your thigh to stop you. "Why didn't you tell me?" You shrugged. It wasn't that simple. "Can you tell me the best ways to comfort you?" Again, you shrugged. A sigh released from his mouth and your head hung low. "I'm going to do some research. As your boyfriend, I want to make sure I'm making you feel better, not worse. So, while I'm doing that, I also need you to tell me if something I'm doing is making you feel worse. Can you do that for me?" His words were sincere, his intentions true. Another tear fell from your eye, dropping against your cheek, but a smile broke out across your face. "Thank you for caring," you whispered. He pulled you onto his lap and pressed a soft kiss to the nape of your neck. "Always."

Hendery:

Waking up this morning had been such a struggle, even as the delightful scent of your boyfriends cooking wafted under the cracks of the door, greeting you. Usually, this would rouse you from your slumber, prompting you to creep into the kitchen and sneak a taste of the delightful breakfast. Today, however, you rolled over in the blankets and pulled the duvet over your head. Today was a lay in bed day, you just hoped your boyfriend would accept that. "Come on sleepy head! It's time to wake up!" Kunhang's annoyingly chipper voice spouted, pulling you from the confines of sleep in a less pleasant way. "No," you groaned, rolling over, burying your face deeper into the pillow. "Come on! Breakfast is ready!" He pulled the blankets off your body and you let out a loud hiss, eyes turning to bore into him. "I said no!" He dropped the blanket and backed off, lifting his hands in surrender, but you could tell he had questions. You never acted like this. "What's wrong?" You grunted, not responding, turning away from him, but he wasn't having it. "Yah! I asked you a question!" he pouted at being ignored. A growl whipped it's way from your throat. "Go look up BPD," you snapped. You could tell that he had more questions, but, after a long moment, he seemed to think better of asking them and, instead, made his way out of the room, leaving you to fall back asleep. It had to have been a few hours later when you were waking up on your own this time, the anger you had felt earlier completely gone now, replaced with your normal, chipper self. You turned over to look at Kunhang's side, releasing he wasn't there and the memories came flooding back to you along with a strong wave of guilt. You shouldn't have treated Kunhang the way you did. There was nothing out of the ordinary with the way he'd reacted to your sleeping for. With a sigh, you threw your legs over the side of the bed and stood up, padding over the floors to the door. You made your way out of the bedroom and down the hall, finding Kunhang sitting on the couch, television with the volume turned down, playing some movie he didn't look too interested in. As the floor creaked slightly under your feet, his attention shifted from the television to you and he was quick to shut off the device. "How are you feeling?" he asked. Your heart dropped into your stomach. Had you really affected him? "I'm sorry for how I reacted..." you mumbled. A sigh rolled past his lips as he patted the couch next to him. You made your way to him, flopping beside him, but keeping your distance, at least until he pulled you against his side. "I understand why you did after looking up Borderinel Personality Disorder," he said. "But you couldn't have expected me to know without knowing." With a nod, you hung your head. "Why didn't you tell me?" "I thought you wouldn't like me if you knew I had a disorder..." you mumbled. Saying it out loud, it felt ridiculous. You knew he loved you. The fact that he waited for you to wake up even after how you'd treated him proved that. But it had been a fear nevertheless. "Now that I know, I can help you rather than making things worse. But in the future, please let me know. I hated watching you so upset without knowing how to help." You leaned against him, burying your face in his chest as you nodded.

YangYang:

(full fic coming soon) YangYang's youth was what truly scared you the most. He still had so much to learn. He was so naive, about some things at least. He could make you feel so good, so loved, when he'd hold you in his arms and kiss your head or when he threw himself across your lap and begged to be pet. You were scared that the second he knew the truth about you, he'd leave, or worse, treat you differently. Your older brother, Kun, had advised you to just be honest with him. To let him know when you had bad days. Yet, here you were, hiding out in your brothers bed, hoping practice would run late so YangYang wouldn't see your crestfallen face. It seemed luck wasn't on your side that day, not entirely anyway, because the door to the room opened and Kun walked in half shirtless, belt unbuckled. "Please don't strip anymore," you'd begged. The boy nearly jumped out of his skin at your words. "(y/n)?! What are you doing here?!" "I missed Yang..." "So why didn't you come to practice? You know you're welcome." Your silence was his answer and he sighed, sliding on another, not sweat-soaked shirt, and sat on the bed beside you, reaching out to gently stroke your arm. "You really should tell him," he whispered. "But what if he rejects me?" "He won't. Sis, I know him. He's not like some dirtbags you've dated in the past. And he might just be able to help you better than I can," he whispered. You knew he was right. He was always right (as annoying as it was). "Will you send him here? I don't want to get out of bed..." "Of course," he said, patting your arm one more time before getting out of bed and making his way out of the room. It was a few minutes later when a sweaty YangYang walked in, searching for your figure before sitting down beside you on Kun's bed. "You wanted to see me?" he asked. "I have Borderline Personality Disorder..." The words just rushed out before you could stop them, but you were thankful. This saved you from yourself. For a long moment, YangYang didn't say anything and you were beginning to think Kun had been wrong for once. "So that's why Kun had me do all that research..." Ok, that definitely wasn't what you were expecting. "Not long after we started dating, Kun made me do all this research on BPD. He even quizzed me once a week! I just assumed it was punishment for dating his sister!" A loud laugh fell past your lips. That was absolutely something Kun would do!

"Are you mad I didn't tell you?" you asked.

"Well, why didn't you?"

"I was afraid you'd leave me like my exes..."

"Then yes, I'm mad!" he said.

Your face dropped.

"I'm sorry..."

"I'll just have to teach you a lesson!"

With that, he threw himself on top of you, pressing his sweaty clothes against you as you shrieked, attempting to get away.

"Guys... not on my bed..."

[sunsetsover]

Just hopping on the anons last week who said they'd done reading around BPD and Ben etc after reading your posts to say... when Whitney told Ben he makes everything about himself in this week's eps I immediately thought of you! Like lemme explain lmao I remember last year you wrote about how lots of fans said Ben was making everything about him when him and Callum had that argument about the warehouse job in Sept.? And you wrote about how you viewed it and how looking at Ben through a lense of mh goes a different interpretation etc. Idk Whitney saying that just made me recall your thoughts on the fandom saying the same thing lmao.

(although tbh I didn't think Whitney was v fair saying that anyway bc how was he meant to know Callum had witnessed a stabbing etc?? He wasn't making it about himself he was simply worrying about the info he had access to???)

no joke i literally thought the exact same thing after i watched it yesterday. not the post (tho i do remember what you're talking about!) but i was like 'oh ben's behaviour is VERY bpd' like probably the most obvious example we've had since 2019 maybe and then i was like man.... how many people are going to have Bad Takes abt ben's behaviour and how he's 'selfish' and then i was thinking abt what whit said and it reminded me of something i heard once and i've tried to find it but i can't and i'm gutted bc it made so much sense but it was abt how bpd are often viewed as selfish or making everything abt us but we do that bc we literally feel like everything IS because of us/our fault. it's literally a Symptom. like when you're hypersensitive and terrified of everyone abandoning you EVERYTHING feels personal.

like someone's in a bad mood? clearly i have done something to put them in a bad mood. someone doesn't reply? clearly they hate me. you smile at someone in public and they don't smile back? clearly they can sense something is Wrong with me and didn't want to engage. either that or they think i'm hideously ugly. that's the default assumption, that it's somehow something to do with me. not that they're going thru their own shit or that they're busy or tired. and then when we're talking abt someone you're close too, the fear of abandonment comes into play where you either start to push them away bc you're convinced they're gonna leave anyway or frantically do things or change things to help convince them to stay, and both of these can go very extreme. and ofc it's not logical but we can't help it. i'm always saying this to people in my life: i know how i'm feeling/what i'm doing isn't logical and it doesn't make sense, but i literally can't help it. it's like the sensible you is locked in the back of your brain forced to witness all of your own bs but they're literally powerless to do anything about it.

which is also why i can understand under the hysteria of your own fear of abandonment and hypersensitivity why ben could convince himself callum was gonna leave him for whitney. like ofc i get why ppl would find that unrealistic and offensive, but i can't NOT see him as bpd, and when you have bpd that fear of abandonment is so so incredibly pervasive that you start thinking things like that and convince yourself that they're real. like you genuinely believe them. and someone of sound mind is like 'that doesn't make any sense, he's gay' but like.... that almost is irrelevant to a certain degree. your own belief that you're so unlovable and that everyone is going to leave you holds SO much weight in your mind, more than even reality itself.

like you could almost compare it to hallucination. reality and logic dictates that it's impossible for there to be a man crawling on the ceiling, but if you can see it and hear it and feel it then ofc you're going to believe it's real. reality and logic become irrelevant bc you KNOW it's there, even though it isn't, u know? it's the same kind of thing: reality says ofc callum isn't gonna propose to whitney when he's married and literally gay, but that all-consuming fear of abandonment is so much louder when it says 'he's lying, he's sneaking around w his ex, he's not talking to you about anything, he's got a ring, ofc he's gonna propose to her, she didn't ask him to quit his job or force him into a position where he had to lie for months, ofc he was gonna leave, he just married you out of pity, this is all your fault, you don't deserve happiness or love bc you're a bad person lmao what did you even expect?' etc u know

if i'm being completely honest if i were in ben's shoes i could EASILY see myself being convinced my gay partner is gonna leave me for their ex of the opposite sex. like worryingly easily. and tbh between that and what was going on with kheerat, i actually think he coped surprisingly well. like i genuinely thought that yesterday that if i was in his situation i probably would have reacted much worse and been in much worse a state than he was. and i'm not just saying that, i think his growth since 2019 is obvious in how tame his reaction to it all was tbh.

i realize probably no one will bother but if anyone really is interested and wants to understand more then u should watch this video. i've timestamped it at the first point bc if nothing else u should listen to that bc it helps explain what i've said in a much better way esp the example abt clearing out the garage but the whole video is really good and i would love for some ppl to watch it. like i know it's half hour and that's a long time and also the interviewer is obnoxious and p insensitive but the doctor herself is really good and explains everything i've been trying to explain in a MUCH better way than i ever could and i think it will really help you understand what it's like to be someone bpd and what it actually means for day to day life

like i realize i've completely gone off on one w this and im sorry but i have opinions and i just want people to understand you know?? not necessarily for ben as a character but for all the ppl out there w bpd bc !!!! no one gives a fuck abt us they just misunderstand us and then do literally nothing to try and understand us when we try to explain ourselves so to have ppl actually engaging in this dialogue w me makes me very excited and i try to explain as much as i can while i have the opportunity u know lmao so i very much appreciate you and getting messages like this thank you 💞💞💞

[polyamorouspunk]

(I feel like I had an emoji for my anons but for the life of me I can't remember them and scrolling/searching your blog turned up nothing so I'm just gonna assume it was 🌠?? Since that's in my recent emojis.)

Anyways confession time cuz I need to get this off my chest. I've been having a lot of bpd fits as of late and it's been making my relationships difficult, or rather one of my relationships since my bpd decided to turn one of my partners into a fave person.

He's not the best at understanding mental health, he hardly understands anxiety and depression and you'd think those are the easiest to understand since they're so common. He tries to still be there for people even though he just doesn't get it, but it makes it really hard for me to explain my bpd attacks that end up with me making stupid mistakes.

I've certainly gotten better with my bpd, but I still lash out sometimes, I still accuse and gaslight without even realizing it. It takes a couple seconds after I've said the stupid thing for me to realize what I did, and I try really hard to apologize and make up for it and be better in the future, but I wish it was easier to explain that God I don't do this on purpose.

Cuz Ig if you don't deal with intrusive thoughts and panic attacks and crap like that in any capacity you just can't see how that's done on accident. He asked if I found it fun to do that stuff and I just broke, like... No, I don't. I really truly don't. I wish I was able to handle these feelings more effectively and not hurt him. He's never done anything wrong, just bc he doesn't understand what my brain is like to have doesn't mean he's treating me like shit.

...honestly, the fact that he's still with me, still planning on living with me, still loving me, still actively wanting me around proves that he still cares deeply for me even though I can't control my anger sometimes.

I just wish my bpd, my trauma, didn't affect our relationship so much. I'm grateful for his patience with me but God damn I wish I was less volatile.

Someday I'll get therapy. I want it really bad. This country sucks with making it easy to get but I want it someday.

I hope your life is going well btw Punk, your blog makes me really happy in the punkiest polyamorousiest way. Thanks for running it and talking with us followers, you're genuinely a really cool guy -🌠

GRAPHIC TW

Oh my god anon I’m so sorry to hear that. I’ve been open about my struggles with what I now know as bpd in the past. I totally get the “I just acted that way and I couldn’t control it”. I reached the point of being physically abusive to my partners and it was awful. Sometimes it got so bad I would just dissociate and feel like I was trapped inside myself unable to control my reactions.

My bpd has been acting up again since the little accident I got into yesterday, feeling like “I made a mistake so obviously I need to go home and kill myself” (not really but like simple mistake = suicidal ideation over them).

Someone once asked me how my bpd worked and I was like I over react and feel way too much at everything. Yesterday as I was going through all of this my brain was like “best way to describe to someone how my bpd works? I got lost once and I had suicidal ideation over it for 2 months after.”

I just had some bad dreams of being super jealous and being hurt and blah blah blah and i can feel my chest hurting and my brain is just telling me all the bad things you know? And my coping mechanism mentally is literally just picturing graphic self harm, which I’ve been on a kick of since my accident because of all the feelings.

Like god having bpd is so bizarre how do I explain to someone I gently rear ended someone by mistake yesterday and I’m dealing with it by imagining torturing myself and self mutilation.

I’m feeling that “I want to lash out because I’m hurting so much”, the “I wanna start shit because I don’t feel well”, the guilt-tripping, the manipulation, all of it. It’s so fucking hard knowing you’re a shitty fucking person who hurts people, and then when they stick around? And they still want to be with you? Sometimes you wish they would just leave because that’s what you deserve: if you’re going to hurt people you deserve to be alone and miserable and you deserve the pain. And when they stay you just feel so, so guilty. Screaming crying why am I such an awful person why can’t I just be normal why can’t I just love someone without ruining it. Yeah I feel that anon I’m so sorry.

[plastic-l0veee]

Here

If you are reading this blog (which you shouldn't be but you said you still did that night when you got really nasty.)

You asked me "do you love him more than me?"

And I responded in "what sense?"

You shrugged it off, admitting defeat that it was just a yes. Point blank. No more discussion.

But I asked for a reason.

In a fantastical sense, yes. I did. I was 19, I broke off an engagement to be with him, we talked about fucking BABIES when we had only been seeing each other for like 3 weeks, and it was just so much escapism. I was coming to terms with really nasty stuff when I met him and as I was dating him and I chose to keep him separate from it all because that made sense to me. I didn't want my ugly life to muddle this fantasy I lived in with him. I loved him, I really did, but we were there for each other in an impersonal sense. He would comfort me but he didn't know about what outside of a vague "well she's depressed" notion. I was a walking after school PSA and it was only when I started inconveniencing him that he realized what I was. And I wasn't even subtle honestly. I used to binge drink right before I saw him. Or I'd smoke to the point of mental emptiness when we hung out. I was with him for 6 months and he never noticed I wouldn't eat with him. We ate ONCE to celebrate my birthday and it was the only meal we shared together. And he just never said anything. I used to spend days at a time with him. Not ever an "it's been a while" or "at least have a nibble." I think he was content thinking of me as this fragile little "easy" girlfriend who just needed time and attention and honestly I don't think he wanted to get into my ugly parts as much as I wanted to not share them. So it was easier to live in this fantasy where "we were everything we ever wanted" after running away from other things we messed up. So when he left, yeah I was devastated cause wow one of us decided to grow the fuck up and leave and oh man it wasn't me. It sucked. The way he left really SUCKED. And well yeah. I realized if I wanted to be REALLY loved, not just you know IDEALIZED, I was not only going to have to get better, I was gonna have to be HONEST about that shit.

And what, 2 years later, after my other AWFUL relationship happens, we meet. And I'm not very present in conversations with you at the beginning because I was still in the pit on a day to day basis. If Jake decided to text me that day or demand to see me, I still felt susceptible to the mind games and I would just ask "why bother, because either someday Jake will really decide he wants to be with me or I'll put myself in the ground so I don't have to live with these thoughts anymore" you know? / you don't probably, I think your ex was bad but mine made me want to slit my wrists and die alone just so I could not deal with him so ... yeah

But I figure there's no harm because nothing could ever happen. You're an internet friend at best. And I have those. From bpd support groups, tumblr, etc, what harm is there in befriending someone 3 hours away. I won't make the drive. There's nothing for me in Houston, lmao. You could never be anything but a silly little distraction. A decent friend at worst.

But you became so much bigger than I expected. I remember laughing at your messages, talking to you daily about nothing but also EVERYTHING. You became this huge part of my life and it was just so surprising. Like why did you make such an impact on my day. Why did you make me feel like I could keep going some days. Why did you make me feel like it was all going to be okay. How could any one person do that.

And it was scary. My fucking God, I wanted nothing more than to keep you at bay and just pretend this was nothing. Like maybe you're just the bandaid for this specific time period but eventually the wound is going to rip open again and then what. You were going to leave because it was going to be too much. And you were sad but you were not sad and BROKEN the way I was. You still believed in being happy. And I felt like I could only ever be happy through illusions, through fake loves, through idealized versions of my reality. I was this big awful thing that no one should ever have to deal with. I was worthless. I wanted to die. I really did. I was tired and I just wanted to crumble and stop trying. And you were scary. Because some days you made me believe different. But I couldn't risk being in love again. Not after what I went through with Jake. God, not after all the damage.

And so I loved you, but as quietly as I could. Whatever little flaw of yours I could find, I would latch on and let it fuel my desire to stay alone. When you told me about slip ups I was relieved that you did have the capability of being shitty and it wasn't in my head and so I could keep having you at arms length for good reason. When it felt like you were too loud or too emotional, it made me feel like okay, you can annoy me, that's so good, you're not perfect!! And it just stewed in there so when eventually this ends, I could remember the ugly parts and know that it will pass. It has to. Or I won't make it this time. Please.

But oh man. It never did. I got to know you, to love you earnestly, to be hurt by you, to be lied by you, and to be left by you. And it didn't pass. Not really. I wouldn't think about you all day if I really tried but when you weren't in my life for 6 months, I still thought about the rush of seeing your drunk texts when I was out. I still remembered the softness of saying goodnight and sending pictures back and forth till we passed out. And I wanted to reach out but I was scared of getting more hurt. So I didn't. But then you did.

And so we have two mostly beautiful years together. And oh man, it stings. Not even because of how it ended but just because it's fucking gone. I love you earnestly, fearfully, timidly, loudly, angrily, in anguish, in joy, in rock bottoms and in mundaneness. I love you in so many senses of the word, that sometimes it feels like it's not real but also that sometimes it is still scary to admit, even after 2 years. I didn't think I could ever love a person this much. Fuck you. Like not really but God I am so sad it is gone and I understand why but it does not fucking help. I love you, Jonathan. I'll love you until the day I die. I really mean that.

I also love you enough to let you go. Because I still don't know if it's just my shitty self esteem or if you really should just fucking hate my guts but I think you deserve so much more. We will both get better in time. But the love you have I just... how could I ever feel like I deserve it. How could I ever feel like I'm enough for you. I just don't know.

The priest from fleabag is wrong. This will not fucking pass. Not after the yelling or shitty actions. Not really.

Because every day since then I've wanted nothing more than to remember what the weight of your head feels like on my chest. And to look into your soft, sad brown eyes to feel seen. And to hear your laugh for even a fucking second so the world doesn't feel so scary.

You are the love of my life.

And this will not pass.

The way you changed me is indescribable.

In fact, it is the biggest reason I know I can be okay one day. Preferably with you, but also without you if I have to.

I just... wish I could see you. Even if it was one last time. Like really.

So yeah. It's out there. And maybe you'll never see this. But also maybe you will.

I love you.

I'm sorry. Both that I still do and always will. But also because I really hurt the person I love most in the world. All because I got in my head. You didn't deserve that.

I love you.

[xcourtneymxo]

Life's A Bitch

It's valentines day 2022, I had... yes had, a valentine who is the love of my life plain and simple really but it isn't so simple. We argued yesterday and I gave in and told him I was done. We have been on and off since I was 14 and he was 15, we have lived together, planned our entire future together, and always go back to each other no matter what.

I don't think I can love anyone more than I love him and if I am being honest I fucking hate myself for it, wish I never met that stupid 6ft brown-haired button nosed boy with eyes like earth (green/blue) but I did and who knows where I would be right now if I didn't meet him. Probably at the bottom of some vodka bottle with random girls I didn't really know because that's where I was heading.

When I think about it he actually saved me but also made me want to unalive, to be fair I've always found reasons to unalive since I was about 12, my parents not loving me, my dead papas' cat getting hit by a car after I let him out but best ones got to be being called fat every day in school.

What I am trying to say is maybe it wasn't his fault I have always been and probably always will be mentally ill, but I did warn him when we first met I had BPD (i was 14 shut up, it wasn't even trending on TikTok yet an online quiz told me I had it so I thought I did) and he did amazing while I, on the other hand, was an evil psychotic bitch for about 6 months.

This is where it gets confusing for me because I don't know what went on in his mind when he switched up and I'll probably never know, I blame my weight gain of course because this was during the first covid lockdown back in 2020. He started breaking up with me for about 2-5 days at a time no contact and it was killing me inside because obviously when someone treats you like they adore you and could never be without you then boom they can't stand you it does make you wonder.

This was when I started digging through his e-mails, social media, texts, calls, and probably more can't remember but I found what I was searching for, or what I thought I was searching for but obviously you don't want to see this between the boy you love and girls that are well known as sluts. Just realized I didn't say what I found but it's obvious really he was messaging other girls on fake accounts so I wouldn't see (not going into detail because gross).

What I gathered from this is that I had been getting cheated on from the very start because we got together on 26 of December 2019 and he decided to have a new years party only 1 other girl came and I wasn't the jealous type at this point anyway. I left early wasn't allowed to stay till 12, he blacked out and had a mental breakdown and that's all I got told about that night.

Fast forward 2 whole weeks later one of his best friends I'm sure not even him himself told me this but this bitch at the party tried to get with him and he hid it from me, a red flag already I know I was 14 be quiet. I confronted him pulled him up and said if he continued to be friends with her I was breaking up with him because you know self-worth and he was fine with it.

He invited her to his house with me there a week later, yes I know I probably should have left at this point because this was before I was toxic, I'm not making excuses for my actions but this boy deserved a slap at this moment in time.

Anyway, so fast forward to me going through his Snapchat about 7 months later and what do I find... saved messages of him asking to meet her at the bottom of her flat to have a fag, sounds innocent actually maybe I was just being crazy Courtney.

I wish I was just being crazy there was a bunch of kisses and need to mention my favorite part, oh yes the part saying don't tell anyone about this and her asking "why xxxx" and his reply literally saying something like my burd don't worry about it. Keep in mind this girl is a well-known slut who tried to sleep with him knowing he had a girlfriend who was all over him an hour before and he is wanting to meet in private and hide it from me and I found this out 7 months later and also found out other girls he was talking to.

I have just sat and written 5 paragraphs on that, oh well it shows it fucked me up inside and it still does but I think he has really changed I don't want to keep talking about this aspect of the relationship because it's making me feel really uneasy and upset because there is more, a lot more in fact that I don't even want to start thinking about.

Obviously, it's not all bad I think I just had to get that off my chest.

We loved cooking and baking together just your traditional mac and cheese, spaghetti bolognese, and the cake mix boxes because we couldn't do it right from scratch, our pancakes and maple syrup was an exception though because they were yummy.

When it was just food you stuck in the oven he would cook, that's probably why I gained all the weight but at that point in time I didn't care it was lockdown I wasn't leaving the house it was just me and him (well other people as well but that's a whole other story so they do not exist in this one) against the world.

He made me feel like a woman rather than a fat blob and when he started leaving that is all I felt like 15, fat and alone not really something you want to tell the grandkids about your childhood is it. Now I feel 17, chubby, and lonely since I'm losing weight and getting out there, being in college.

I am trying my hardest to get better for myself not to be selfish but it's something I need to do on my own, I can't depend on a boy to fix my problems because this isn't lockdown anymore it's real-life where you need to leave the house, you need to be well mentally and physically and the relationships past does not help my wellbeing when in the back of my mind constantly is I am going to put on weight and it is just going to happen all over.

I never want to feel like 2020/2021 ever again.

Jamie Mclaughlin if you are reading this I love you but we can't take back the past of us, it's too late. I hope life treats you well if we ever lose contact, we both did things we aren't proud of but I will never cut you off. You are my best friend always and forever never forget that. You know things that I would never tell anyone else and you have never gone behind my back and told my secrets (that I know of...). I could've never predicted the past few years when I first saw you from outside Mcdonalds'.

I said at the start of this I wish I had never met him, writing this has made me realize that's not the case I wish I met him later on in life maybe now, maybe on my college course, maybe on a walk, or even at that same Mcdonalds. Just not back then.

Right Person, Wrong Time :(

[borderline-pizza]

Zero offence and I know you'll mock me and say stuff about how anti-self dxer's are trash... but I'm not anti-self dx, just curious about it and you say you have diagnosed yourself. How did you make that call? Why didn't you go see a therapist/doctor/professional? Do you think there's an age which is too young to self dx? Do you feel embarrassed going to a medical professional and saying "yeah I'm self dx with XYZ"? Just Ive been in the mental health system for 6 years and this is an odd concept

oh it’s fine just being curious lol. alright here’s my (probably very long) answer.

when i was about 10, i first started being able to go online alone and i learned about different disorders like depression and anxiety. at about 11, i realized there was something wrong and i decided i mustve had depression.

at about 12, i was still shyer than everyone. i knew it wasnt too normal to be shy at such a late age but i was unsure of what it was until i found out my sister had anxiety and she explained to me what it was and i realized i had that too.

i’ve always thought i had adhd since i was super hyperactive and talkative when i was a little kid. even more than others. but i realized that it made sense because i have focus issues and the whole experience with adhd.

with bpd, i didnt realize until i was 15. i was scrolling through my personal tumblr and someone reblogged a bpd post. i strongly related to it, but i ignored it. i kept seeing them for the next month, and figured i had to check it out since it related to much to me. ngl, i thought bpd was bipolar. so i thought it wasnt gonna be me just bc im 100% sure im not bipolar. so when it said borderline personality disorder, i realized its something i could have. i spent the next month researching it and looking at everyones different experiences and i decided i must have it.

okay next question. when i was younger, i was way too anxious to ask for help. i thought i was too young and i thought i wouldnt need help. however, as i grew older, i found myself in more situations which wouldve been easier if i werent mentally ill. i decided i wanted to go to a professional at about 14. ive been asking my mom since then if i could go and shes always made comments about how only fucked up people need therapy and how i shouldnt rely on a stranger to fix problems that i should get over myself. im still in the process of trying to go to a therapist.

i think that each different illness has its own kinda age set which is okay to self dx at. for example, i think you can self dx things like depression and anxiety around 10. personality disorders and such should probably wait until 14 or 15.

next question, i wouldnt do that just bc so many professionals are shit and dont support that. i might say “ive heard about ___ and i think it might apply to me” but i wouldnt specifically say self diagnosed lol.

sorry it was long but.. heres your answer 😂 hope it was good enough if not lmk