#Random thing but sorry about having just. A long deal of text about episode 4 before returning with picture after picture for episode 6😂

[hadesknockedupintheunderworld]

Sonine Prime ... Part 5

Hi, everyone and welcome back to Sonine Prime! The part of the show when I come out and talk about Sonine (and a bit of Sontails) in Sonic Prime!

Last time we just barely started Episode 4, so we'll be starting right back up where we left off and seeing how much of the season we can get through before Part 6.

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<< Part 4 | Part 6 >>

(Essay/thoughts/analysis under the cut)

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I lied!

A bit.

We'll pick up right where we left up in Episode 4 still, I promise. I just still wasn't over the ending of episode 3. So, I've decided to use my allotted video per tumblr post this time around to shove it in your faces because I need people to witness this ending. That I am still not over.

Do you get it do you get it do you get it?

Okay, back to the show.

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It's a tiny thing that makes me laugh more than it's relevant, but the scene where Sonic meets Mangey is funny specifically because Sonic is so desperate to find Tails/a version of Tails to help him in each shatterspace up to this point. In a way, it proves to us just how lost Sonic feels without Tails specifically, and just how much the idea of losing him freaks him out.

Sonic is so incredibly freaked out when he catches Mangey (similar to how he was when he thought Mr. Dr. Eggman was going to kill Rebel, Renegade, and Rusty Rose).

"Tails...? TAILS!"

And yet, there's something a bit different about these scenes.

Let's put something into perspective for a moment.

Imagine being Sonic the Hedgehog. Raw talent, natural speed, badnik busting practice. You're aware that no matter what, everything always turns out fine, so you can afford to be cocky. And when things get too confusing for you and "winging it" won't cut it, you've always got your trusty fox best friend. Perhaps even you're a bit scared (whether you admit it or not), you feel lost, like nothing makes sense. But that's okay, because Tails is here. Tails is smart. You can trust him to comprehend what you cannot, to try to explain it to you. Whether you understand or not, at least Tails knows what's going on. And that's enough, because that means he can come up with a plan, and if he can come up with a plan, you just have to execute it. Simple. Easy. And even if he can't understand, can't come up with a plan, at least you have each other, right?

But Sonic woke up in New Yolk alone, has been struggling thus far to understand what's going on around him (one hedgehog with a spotty memory and not even 5% of the context the audience has). So he went to look for Tails first. Because everything is messed up and wrong and Eggman took over, and Sonic doesn’t know how. He doesn't know what happened. But if he can just find Tails, everything will be all okay. Tails can explain it, work out a plan, and Sonic can execute it. They can fix everything together.

But then "Tails" doesn't remember him, neither do his "other friends". He's lost and trying to understand what's happening because no one else can explain it to him.

Or in short, Sonic in Sonic Prime is just trying to seek out the familiar in the unfamiliar, find the one thing (or person, rather) that will make everything make sense, but he can't. Tails isn't around. He's not here (not in New Yolk, Boscage Maze, or No Place). But each time he seeks him out.

And after being ripped away from Nine, and remembering how he'd lost his all his friends before that, it just... Before he knows who Mangey is, when he sees Mangey falling, he moves without thinking, desperate to have Tails back. Desperate to make sure he (and his friends) never die.

"Am I glad to see you. The world is all blgdyblublu. You gotta figure out what's going–"

Even by this point, when he's realized that there are multiple alternate versions of Green Hill, he still tries to seek out Tails/a version of him, hoping someone can make sense of things for him.

But that's the thing. He never finds Tails. Nine and some of the other residents of the shatterverse are helpful, but Sonic has to spend much of the episodes working things out on his own while just wishing things made sense (or he could find Tails, so Tails could make things make sense)

You feel?

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Did anyone ask for more Sonic & versions of Tails and Sonic & versions of Amy parallels? Cool.

So I don't remember if I said this in a previous part, but here's my personal interpretation of Sonic Prime. In Season 1, Tails/Nine/Other Tails variants are paralleled to Amy/Amy variants in regards to Sonic, while in Season 2, Nine is paralleled to Shadow. Whatever your belief is on the relationships Sonic has to certain characters or how they feel about him (and vice versa) canonically, especially in Sonic prime, it remains that S0namy and Sonadow are two of the most popular Sonic the Hedgehog ships. And this is why these Amy/Tails parallels I've been mentioning since the first part matter to me (in terms of what they mean for each of the characters, AND what they mean for Sonic, as well as what the similarities and differences mean).

So. Let's take a look at Sonic's first meeting with Thorn vs his first meeting with Nine.

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Now, the very first difference. How the first meeting went about.

It's important to note that Sonic was purposely looking for Tails back in New Yolk. So when he saw Nine, thinking he was Tails, he followed him to his lab, excited to have found "Tails" and glad one thing (the code to "Tails'" lab) was the same as before. He'd turned Nine's "chair" as he'd done to Tails in the flashback, expecting, well, anything other than for who he thought to be Tails to be attacking him. The idea that "Tails" would attack him instantly throws him off, leaving him confused and sad. But for Thorn? Sonic went into this fight expecting to fight a "monster". For the first minute of the direct fight, he doesn't see more of Thorn aside from possibly her hammer. You can tell how afraid he his by how the camera switches from the hammer to Sonic's face, and shows him desperately trying to crawl away and break free of the thorns keeping him from running. So in opposition to Sonic seeing glimpses of Nine before he meets him proper (and then starts a fight with him), approaching this initially with peace in mind, Sonic doesn’t see Thorn at all until after being hit around a couple times, until after going into all this initially expecting a fight with a "monster".

"Yes! There's my two-tailed genius friend. Surprise~!"

vs

"Amy? You're the monster? Oh. Oh, those guys up above have really got it– Ughk. —wrong."

And then, after each of these, Nine and Thorn attack Sonic.

"Tails? It's me. Your best–"

"Tails, stop! We're buds—amigos! Best friends!"

vs

"Amy, stop! We're friends! You liked me!...to some extent."

Nine and Thorn continue to attack Sonic. Nine and Sonic have a continuous attack on the underground train in the scareport (where Sonic continues to reason with him, tries to remind him of all they've been through together). Thorn sends Sonic up past the trees with her hammer, intending to end the battle altogether.

Now, a couple things to note here. Except when defending himself, Sonic never intends to actually fight Nine back in episode one. In fact, he spends much of the fight dodging and trying to reason with him. And it's clear that Sonic also never expected "Tails" to fight him. The fact that Nine does fight him, treat him like a stranger, throws Sonic off. But with Thorn? Sure, he never intended to fight her in the first place, at least not knowingly. But now that he does know who the "monster" is, he speeds down the nearest tree with clear intent to hit Thorn back. It's only because he flashes back to Amy and this suddenly makes him feel like he'd be fighting a friend does he decide against dealing that heavy blow. And while it throws him off for "Amy" to be so antagonistic, it's clear to me from the "You liked me!...to some extent", and that his first reaction was to hit Thorn back (rather than try to reason with her like with Nine), that the idea of Amy attacking him in general doesn't throw Sonic off. I'd wager that Prime Sonic has likely been at the mercy of Amy's hammer before, in the same way he'd likely never been attacked by Tails.

Now, after deciding he can't just "smash" (as Sonic puts it) Thorn with a clear conscience, he begins to try to reason with her as he had with Nine.

"Quick recap. I'm not from around here. Violence never solves anything. And where I'm from, you and I are buds. So how about we put down your big hammer and just talk, Amy?"

"My name is Thorn Rose, and you are finished!"

vs

"What did you just call me"

"U-Uh...Tails?"

"The name's...NINE!"

...

"Snap out of it, we go way back! All of my best memories of Green Hill have you in 'em, and you're not punching me! Don't you wanna go home? Blue skies, sunny beaches...palm trees?"

"I don't know what kind of mind games you're playing, but it won't work!"

And here's what's interesting about Sonic's demeanor. While he's hurt, confused, and panicked during the fight with Nine (and this shows when he tries to reason with him), he's much calmer when reasoning with Thorn. You know, it's as if to him "Amy" just got angry/lost herself and it's up to him to de-escalate the situation.

With Nine, it's reminding him what Sonic means to him (means to Tails really), of home, of their adventures. With Thorn, it's reminding her of what Sonic means to her (means to Amy really), and, when that fails, trying to calm her down (as Amy herself might) to get her to just talk instead.

Now here's another interesting tidbit for these two fights. When Sonic and Nine enter the scareport, the two of them are on equal footing for the fight. Neither of them really gains the upper hand as Nine fights and Sonic dodges. However, the fight between Sonic and Thorn mostly consists of Thorn hitting Sonic around. Even when Sonic switches from fight mode to dodge and reason with mode, it's a pretty onesided fight, and it's one that Thorn pretty objectively wins. They're not at all on equal footing here.

Luckily for Sonic, though, he's able to successfully appeal to both Nine and Thorn in the end. He saves Nine from being hit by one of the underground trains, and he saves a flicky from drowning in mud. Nine's first impression of Sonic was of a stranger, a bully, intending to harm him and take from him. Thorn's first impression of Sonic is of a greedy scavenger, one of those who would intend to hurt the forest and drain it of its resources.

The tie in? It's that between both moments (saving Nine and saving the flicky), Sonic convinces Nine and Thorn that he's...an outlier of a person.

After Sonic saves Nine, surprising him, Nine finds who he believes to be the only person who would save someone (him) when there doesn't seem to be any immediately identifiable gain for doing so, the only person who may have protected and helped him back when he was young.

While Thorn isn't fully convinced that Sonic isn't one of the scavengers, those who destroyed the forest originally, it's clear that Sonic’s action of going out of his way to help the flickies surprises her. After all, she finally begrudgingly agrees to help Sonic find his way home.

Although, it is also worth noting that while Nine begins to treat Sonic more like a friend than he's ever treated anyone like a friend (when he fixes Sonic's little problem and goes out with him to get the paradox prism), Sonic is treated more like Thorn's captive in episode 4 (one that she'll release out of the forest when his business is finished).

Finally (I apologize for the length of this section of parallels) we get to the bit where Sonic and Thorn find the green shard. So, final things to note. Yes, Sonic spent more time with Nine over 3 episodes than the small portion of 1 episode with Thorn, but I feel it's also pertinent to recognize that neither were actually particularly long stretches of time in universe. Regardless though, for the sake of the parallel, I'm only noting here that Nine has become at least a bit attached to Sonic in a way Thorn has not. Sonic and Nine marvel over the prism together. In fact, it was Nine who'd asked Sonic to "grab the shard already" so they could escape the coucil's fortress together. However, after Sonic digs up the green shard in Boscage Maze, Thorn doesn't marvel over the green shard for too long before hitting Sonic in the face with her hammer, claiming the shard as hers.

But I suppose this also comes back to one big difference between Thorn and Nine.

Nine cares pretty much only about self preservation and staying away from the general public back in episode 1. Thorn, on the other hand, cares about the forest. Thorn was quick to push aside Sonic for the shard, similar to how Nine decided for leaving Rebel, Renegade, and Rusty behind so he'd have a higher chance of escaping with the shard. Only their goals matter. It's just that Nine very quicky integrated Sonic into his plans, while Thorn had not.

Interesting, no?

Okay okay I'll say the thing. Parallels between a Tails and Amy variant both meeting Sonic for the first time and pursing a shard with him: IIII

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So, Sonic goes for the green shard with a spin dash, yelling that he needs it, Thorn goes "as if I'd give the heart of my jungle to a stranger like you. You're a scavenger like the rest" and moves to attack, and so ends episode 4.

Putting the Sonine interactions from episodes 1-3 in comparison to all this with Thorn...really makes me embarassed on Nine's behalf for how telling his actions are😂

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And now for a moment you've (me) all been waiting for (because I didn't find anything in episode 5 I wanted to talk about)...

Sonic Prime Season 1 Episode 6: Situation: Grim!

I've been excited to touch on this episode since I started this little series about Sonine. Why? Because it's one of the season 1 episodes that gives me a lot of second hand embarrassment about Sonine (in a good way!), and it's just so fun to break down.

So, without further ado, let's return to New Yolk.

So, Sonic drops in, gets roped into the ensuing battle with the rebels versus the Eggforcers, and comments that New Yolk City isn't quite how he remembers it. Then, as he goes about explaining that he met "another you" (refering to Renegade), in another place, fighting another battle and the existence of other shards, he asks Renegade where Nine is.

"Anyway. Super stoked to be back to help with...whatever the heck's going on here. Where's Nine? I gotta pick his brain about this other shard I found."

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Later, after Renegade brings Sonic to Rebel and the resistance's base, Renegade "informs" Sonic that Nine left them (Renegade, Rebel, and Rusty) "high and dry" after getting the shard. Of course, similar to the scene in which Nine attacked him in their first meeting (while Sonic thought him to be Tails, this revelation seems to make Sonic...sad (a bit of an understatement, I know). Like he just can't believe Nine would do such a thing.

"I didn't steal the shard!"

"But your fox friend did, right before he left us high and dry."

"He...did?"

Rebel goes on to explain how she and everyone else had trusted them (Sonic and Nine) as a shortened version of the end of episode 3, as well as a continuation of the scene, play out. The audience watches Nine grab the shard, stop and consider saving Rebel, Renegade, and Rusty, before deciding to escape alone with the shard rather than risk losing it over trying to save the three (but it's important to note that Sonic doesn’t see this scene. All he knows is that Nine took the shard and left). Then, Rebel explains that after the event, the resistance grew "without you or that traitorous fox".

Now, how Sonic acts and what he says next tells us a lot about how he sees Nine (or rather how he wants to).

"If they get that energy crystal back, we're done for."

"Nine won't let that happen!"

After having his life threatened by Renegade and some of the resistance (which I may mention that Sonic never gives up anything he knows about Nine to save his own hide, such as the location of his base, even if it is true that he doesn’t know where Nine is currently), Rebel shows Sonic the palm tree. As of the Boscage Maze section, the palm tree has become a symbol to Sonic of what can be, and what he's lost. It's a symbol of the bonds he has with his friends, the memories he made with them, what he hadn't cherished properly before it was gone, and of hope for fhe future. Rebel showing it to him provides adequate motivation to help the rebels, showing him just what's at stake if they fall.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me...but I'm not a traitor and neither is Nine."

"Let me prove it to you. Let me fight by your side."

Sonic how does– how does you fighting with them also prove Nine isn’t a traitor Mr. "I don't want to believe Nine would leave someone to die"

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In any case, the battle between the Rebels, Sonic, and the Chaos Council begin, and Nine shows up just like Sonic always hoped he would.

"Sonic! Hang on!"

*In Unision* "Nine?!"

"You got a plane!...kinda."

In hindsight, we know Nine came to New Yolk to find Sonic and bring him back to The Grim with him. We know this is likely his intention, given how he yells Sonic's name immediately upon appearing in New Yolk, and then says "hang on!" when he sees him in danger.

Bit of a side note here, I actually almost wonder if Nine has the ability to track Sonic (perhaps through his regulators?). I say this because there is no proof, even by season 2, that Nine had gone looking for Sonic in any other shatterspaces and seen them before (in fact there's more proof he went to Boscage Maze and No Place for the very first time while he and Sonic were trying to make off with the shards towards the end of S2). If he was looking for Sonic specifically and just so happened to know not only what shatterspace he was in but also where he was, it makes sense that Nine would be able to portal to about exactly where Sonic was and to come out of the portal yelling his name.

As for Sonic, while Rebel and Renegade are (understandably) none too happy to see him, Sonic is just...so happy, man.

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Now, for the next bit where Nine participates in battling the Chaos Council, I think the intentions here are so interesting. Because Nine? He came here just to find Sonic and bring him back. He's battling the Council to free up Sonic and give him an opening to join him. We know this because Nine practically portals out New Yolk the moment Sonic is safe in the cockpit. Basically, Nine only "helped" so he could return to the Grim with Sonic.

But Sonic? He's just got done asserting that Nine would never betray anyone. He wants to believe that Nine cares for people and fighting for good like he does (and like he believes Tails does, but how Sonic sees Tails and how Tails actually is is an essay for another time). So when Nine shows up and starts blasting the council, Sonic believes not that Nine showed up just for him, but that Nine came to help. To Sonic, Nine showing up in their hour of need proves that he's not a traitor, proves that Nine cares about spreading good and peace to New Yolk like Sonic wants to believe.

Understanding their differing points of view and stances on everything is integral to understanding the miscommunications to come in this very episode, and in the future. And, so does understanding how each of them badly want to believe in a version of the other that wants everything that they want and is the way they think they should be.

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...And that will be it for part 5 of Sonine Prime, everybody! This was a long one, and it would have been longer if not for the tumblr photo limit, but no matter. Next time we'll be continuing Episode 6, and I'll probably mention a hundred more times how embarrassing Sonic and Nine are about each other (Mr. "I smile as soon as I see you again after time apart and wanted to see you again so bad" and Mr. "We barely knew each other for a day but I want to spend my life alone with you in a world of our own making").

See you in the next one!

[lifewithdavefarts]

DaveFarts - Episode 4 “Post Gym Gas” [Episode List] The showers at Dave’s gym are once again out of order so he shows up at Tim’s house to take a shower.  This time, however, he’s not in a rush, so he can spend a bit more quality time with his best friend…  With some help from the gassy effects of his fiber bars…

Unlike the other stories, this one is told from Dave’s POV.

Post-Gym Gas

“Man… thanks again, Tim.” I said, showing up in his bedroom wearing only a pair of boxers.

Yes, only a pair of underwear. Tim’s gay? He finds this attractive?

Who cares. That’s how I act when I’m around our other straight friends and I’m not going to treat Tim “unnaturally”, or like he’s some kind of of sick person, just because he thinks he’s making me uncomfortable. Heck: he probably got a boner right now. Big. Fucking. Deal. I’ll just take that as a compliment.

“Those idiots at the gym again messed everything up. Maybe I should go to a different one.”

I grabbed the towel that Tim gave me earlier and pressed it on the rest of my body as I still felt a bit too wet. I then checked my phone, answering a couple of texts from my girlfriend Dana and put on my pair of black gym shorts (they’re not really ‘shorts’ actually as they almost go below my knees when I get up). I remain bare-chested as it’s not really a cold evening and I don’t want to sweat again: I just took a shower!

As usual, I felt my stomach rumble a bit. “Fucking fiber bars again!” I thought. I ripped like eight long farts under the shower, but I still feel bloated. Is the gym working? I’m eating tons of those bars and I just can’t see the point. Well, at least they sure make Tim happy.

Yeah… Tim, my great, disgusting best friend. Can’t believe he likes this stuff.

Look at him, trying to read his books, in silence. He’s already as red as a tomato. I wonder when he’ll understand that he doesn’t have to feel so embarrassed about this stuff, not around me at least.

Speaking of which, I think I got one ready…

I couldn’t hide my smirk as I slowly got up and walked towards my friend sitting behind his desk. I was literally towering him. Tiny, short Tim: must defend at all costs!

I don’t know how this stuff works, but I hope he’s enjoying it.

And, honestly, I think it’s hilarious, and I’m always glad to share a few good laughs with him.

“Dude. I think I got a big one for ya.” I simply said.

I turned around, chuckling a bit, pointing his butt at his face. I leaned a bit and I felt his defenseless head brushing against the fabric of my gym shorts. I already started to laugh. I’m a worthless immature, but I thought that was hilarious. I pushed a bit and the fart came out naturally, as big as my usual blasts. I made sure that my ass was still brushing against my friend’s face: I need to make clear that I’m perfectly comfortable with his fetish.

The fart vibrated violently through my shorts right in his face.

Eight seconds. Man! I’m so talented. Fucking fibers though.

I turned around to check whether my friend survived to that, and his hilarious smile confirmed that he was alive and well (and probably aroused too, but that’s a problem I can’t take care of). I bursted into a laugh, I couldn’t’ help it.

“Told ya it was big!”

He nodded at me and smiled.

As long he’s comfortable around me it’s great.

We still spend an incredible amount of time together and, to be honest, nothing really changed.

But sometimes Tim acts a bit too awkward, so I just make him understand (every. single. time.) that there’s no reason to act all weird around me. Dude, I’m like your brother, you can trust me! I trust you, that’s for sure!

Man, I’m pretty sure he wishes more face-farts right now.

I wonder if he will ever have the guts to ask me directly. He knows I’m a proud farter, I’ve always been.

Gotta admit that the funniest part about all of this is how much of a dork Tim is, seriously.

If he wasn’t gay, pretty sure some girl out there would have considered him adorable.

To me, however, it was a mixture of annoying and hilarious.

I felt my belly hurt a bit; fiber bars were still messing up with my stomach. I finally put on a black undershirt and sat again on my friend’s bed. I’ll leave in a couple of minutes though, gotta a lot of stuff to work on back at home.

“Dave…”

Apparently, Tim just grew a pair.

I saw him turning red, into a stuttering pile of awkwardness.

I pretended to have no idea of what he was going to tell me and I tried not to laugh at him.

“I’d hate to make you uncomfortable but…”

I checked my phone, not even looking at him, if that made him more comfortable.

“But since you seem so open-minded about it I was wondering… nah never mind!”

I chuckled a bit. “What?” I asked, knowing exactly what he was going to say.

“It’s just that I don’t want you to think that I want to be your friend because of…”

“…because of my farts?” I simply said, cutting him off.

He almost fell from his chair and quickly stood up, nervous as usual.

“Tim, I know you’re not an asshole. If you were, I wouldn’t be here.” I stated.

Let me tell you the truth: I knew that Tim loved my farts and most of all loved the fact that I didn’t care at all about his fetish. And that’s it. He was my friend before realizing his fetish, since middle school.

Tim always says “Oh Dave! He’s so great. Always looking out for me!”, but that’s because he’s an insecure little shit.

The truth is that Tim has always been the one looking out for me. He’s always been there, for reasons that I don’t really want to explain, but let’s just say that sometimes it was pretty serious family stuff.

He’s not an asshole: he’s the opposite of that.

I know he considers me “the” best of the friends.

Let me tell you that I consider myself lucky to have a friend like him.

It’s hard to believe, I know, since he’s so weak and awkward, while I’m stronger and all this bullshit, but trust me.

This “best friend” thing goes both ways. He’s my bro.

“Were you going to ask me for a fart?” I asked, with a smirk.

His reaction was priceless.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. It’s just too… gay I guess.” he tried to say, faking a chuckle, trying to *not* sound embarrassed, completely terrified.

It’s not like this came out of nowhere though.

I did “help” somehow, not only with my continuous face-farting.

I even send him random fart videos on WhatsApp. That must be painful for him.

“That’s not what friends are for. You’re already doing so much for me. You’re being so supportive, more than I could have ever hoped, and I’m not only talking about… well… this” he said, too embarrassed to pronounce the word 'fart’ apparently. “I’m not in the position to ask for this stuff. Sorry.”

That was too easy.

I nodded and then, with a deft movement, gently kicked his ankle, making him trip on his own bed. His head landed right next to my sagging (in shorts) butt and I didn’t even need to move.

“There. Now you’re in the position to ask.” I chuckled.

He was, quite literally, in the *right* position: I could sit on his face in a moment.

I laughed so much at him, but I wanted to laugh with him.

I simply stared at my gay friend and smiled, finding his teary, embarrassed eyes a bit too hilarious maybe. I finally lifted my butt, and put it above his defenseless face. I didn’t sit directly on him: my ass was hovering above him, only inches away from his nose. I then started to fart, as I usually do.

Fiber bars were an incredible fuel. The blast almost ripped my pants. Even I could feel the wind being fired right in my friend’s face. Disgusting. Disgustingly hilarious. I bursted again into a laugh and I sat directly on his head as the fart kept going. One of my best of that day, that’s for sure. I think it lasted around 9 seconds.

Pretty sure he loved it.

“Smells great, does it?” and I lost it, laughing again like an immature jerk, despite being in my 20s.

Tim was dazed, startled and sat next to me.

I patted his shoulder in a friendly manner and he turned to me, finally laughing too.

“Gotta go now, bro.” I said, it was getting too late. “See ya tomorrow. I’m expecting you to join us this weekend. We’re having a surprise party for Lucy.”

“Of course! I already texted Greg. He’s got a new car and can pick both of us, so we can drink as much as we want!” he replied, with a rare smirk.

You smooth little fucker.

You act all awkward around me, but you’re still a party-animal.

So proud of you, bro.

“Finally! That’s the Tim I want to hear!” I said, heading downstairs. “See ya tomorrow then…”

Outside of the house, in his front yard, I then ripped one last, long, rumbling fart.

Fucking fibers!

I guess this one is literally on the house, Tim.

End of Episode 4

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[taehyungs-perm]

strawberry girl pt 5

taehyung x reader; college au; childhood best friends to lovers au; jock!fratboy taehyung

genre: fluff; major angst lol

word count: 16k

summary: i can pretend i don’t miss you. i can pretend i dont care. all i want to do is kiss you. what a shame you’re not here.

Part 1 here ; Part 2 here; part 3 here; part 4

playlist vibes

fuck it i love you | lana del ray 

still with you | jk

la vie en rose | edith piaf 

the remedy of a broken heart | xxxtentacion 

cant help falling in love with you | kina grannis 

sweet night | v

cherry hill | russ

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All of the days had pretty much begun to blend together. There was no difference between morning and night. You just sat in your room, shades drawn, binging TV shows and movies. After the first night, you began to cry in random spurts. It would go a bit something like this: you would be staring at the cereal swirling in the milk and burst into tears because your heart would just seize up in pain; you would focus on the spinning of your ceiling fan before you would realize the tears were spilling out of your eyes; you would tear up as you scrolled through your camera photos just to see his face. Every ounce of your being missed him but there was no way in hell you could face him, not after that night. 

You had blocked his number when he began to text and call you after a week. You had hoped he would never contact you, but that wasn’t the case. 

Tae: hey

Tae: can we talk

Tae: I’m sorry 

Tae: can we stay friends 

Tae: missed call (5)

Tae: why r u ignoring me

Tae: u fucked it up

Tae: not me

Tae: I’m sorry that was uncalled for

Tae: can we talk 

Tae: pls 

Every time his name popped up on your phone screen, you felt like throwing your phone against the wall. It was after a few days of this when you realized you couldn’t take it anymore. You just wanted him out of your life. It became much easier to deal with the pain once you weren’t bombarded by messages from him.

You laid on your bed, with Gossip Girl mindlessly playing in the background, thinking about him. Before the break started, you and Taehyung talked about all of the things you wanted to do since this was the first time in a long time where it would be you two alone at home: have picnics, go ice skating, watch movies all night. All of that, gone to shit. Just cause you fucking had to tell him about your feelings. 

Your mom had enough of you lying in your bed all day and forced you to get out of your room. It just ended up with you lying on the living room couch all day instead. You had just gotten a copy of “Freedom is a Constant Struggle” by Angela Davis but you felt like your brain was mush and couldn't bring yourself to read it. One morning, your parents tried convincing you to come shopping and get some fresh air but you felt like you had no energy to do so. You laid on the couch, face squished on a pillow, curled up in a blanket, completely not comprehending the episode of gossip girl you had switched on. The doorbell rang and you groaned, barely shifting, not wanting to answer the door. The doorbell rang again and you rolled off the couch, annoyed. You tried peering through the side window to see who was at your door bothering you. Then you heard loud rapid knocks. Ugh who the fuck is knocking at my door and why aren’t they leaving? 

You reluctantly opened the door, still wrapped in your blanket, completely prepared to yell at whoever was annoying the shit out of you, but when you saw him standing there, every thought in your head completely disappeared, your heart completely dropping. 

Your voice broke, “Taehyung?”

He looked at you, peering at your eyes behind his shaggy curly strands of hair, shivering in his jacket and sweatpants, “__________”. His voice was shaking, as if he was scared.

You wanted to slam the door on his face, but the way his big brown eyes were staring at you, full of innocence, you knew you couldn’t bring yourself to do that. You couldn’t help but wonder, did he not get the message? And why does he even want to talk to you? 

“What do you want?” you asked, sternly. 

“Can we talk? please?”

“Taehyung, please, leave me alone. please.” You tried to close the door but he stepped forward and held the door open with his hand.

“You blocked my number. I can't even contact you anymore. Can I just have this at least? Can we just talk once more?” he pleaded. His eyes were filled with a sadness that you couldn’t quite understand. You desperately just wanted to reject him just like he did to you, but you couldn’t. He was and always would be your weakness. Seeing him, standing here in front of you, doe eyed and heartbroken because of your actions made you hate yourself even more. You would rather have your heart broken a thousand times than to see him in pain. 

“Okay. we can talk,” you whispered softly. 

You didn't want to let him in though. You just leaned on the doorframe, staring at him as the wind sent shivers up your spine. 

“Why are you ignoring me again? I told you not to do that. Ignoring me doesn’t do anything.”

“I needed space. And I still do.”

“Space from me?” he stepped closer to you. His closeness made you uneasy. You glanced up into his eyes, and there were stone cold seriousness. You hadn’t seen Taehyung like this in a while. For all the talk of you thinking Taehyung was adorable and cute, he could be just as intimidating. The look in his eyes made you almost scared. 

“Yes.” you breathed out, trying to match his serious tone.

“Are you mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at you, just at myself…because I knew this would happen, but I let myself fall in love with you anyways.”

“I'm sorry.”

“There's nothing to be sorry about. It's just I should have known better. It's what happens to people like me. And this is why I don’t let myself fall in love.”

“___________ don't let this ruin you. Don’t let me fuck up everything you believed in. You’ll fall in love again.”

“Taehyung. I’ve been in love with you for years. I just never had the guts to say it. I dunno if I'll fall in love again because my heart belongs to you. I didn’t choose to give it to you and it fucking kills me to admit it,” you felt tears welling up in your eyes. Your voice began to crack, shaking from the tears, “but my heart is yours and you don’t even want it.”

Taehyung had been staring at the ground, scared to make eye contact with you. But once you said those words, he looked up at you, his eyes trembling, “_________ I like you. okay? Please don't forget that. You're my best friend.”

You looked deep into his eyes and shook your head softly, “Taehyung, Stop looking at me like you want me because we both know you don’t. I know you don’t feel the same way, but I wish you did.” 

“_______ I told you, I just don't know right now. I just don't know how I feel about you but maybe if you give me time I could fi-“

You cut him off, not wanting to hear any bullshit, “Don’t fuck with my feelings just because you’re unsure of yours. I didn’t mean to fall in love but I did. And you didn’t mean to hurt me but you did. Try to understand how I feel.”

Taehyung took another step towards you, his hand came up to your face, resting on your cheek as he wiped a falling tear, “Why do you need space from me? Why do you need to cut me off completely?”

You pushed his hand away, feeling annoyed at his words. All of this was bullshit. Taehyung doesn’t care about you. He broke your heart and he was just acting now. He just pretends to care but really he doesn’t give a shit about you. 

You furrowed your eyebrows in anger, “I just want to fucking get over you okay? Like Taehyung, you have no idea what you do to me. The way my heart goes completely erratic. The way that one look from you is all that I need to smile. I can’t think around you. Because all I think about it is you. I don’t think...I’m capable of being just friends with you. At least not for a long time. Maybe that’s selfish but that’s all I’m asking of you. I’m not asking you to love me because I know you can’t do that. So just give me space.”

He was quiet, not saying a single word. You sighed out your last few thoughts, “You don’t love me the way I love you. And I know you never will. And that’s okay. But understand that just being friends with you and seeing you everyday is a reminder that you don’t love me.”

Taehyung scoffed, kicking his foot against the door frame, “Why did you do that? Why did you have to tell me your feelings? Why did you fuck it up?”

Your lip trembled. You already felt like shit, like the biggest idiot on the planet for thinking he could love you back, and now he was just shoving your mistakes right back in your face, “Why did you kiss me? You keep saying I fucked it up! I didn’t, you did! If you just didn’t fucking kiss me, then this wouldn’t have happened. So why the fuck did you kiss me?”

He took a step back, shocked at your outburst. His voice faltered, coming out weak and soft, “I..I..I dunno. I don’t know.” 

You scoffed, “You want me in your life, but I can’t do that. You’re asking too much of me. You’re asking me to pretend these feelings I have for you are insignificant. Something that can be stored away as if they didn’t matter. But it did matter. To me.” You stepped towards him, feeling a bit reckless but fuck it right? you had nothing else to lose. you just wanted the truth from him. You asked, your voice icy, “Do I even matter to you?”

He looked at you, confused, “Of course you matter to me. You're my everything.”

You couldn't help but let out a cold laugh, “The things you say sometimes make me feel like I actually have a chance with you, but then I snap back to reality and realize I never really did.”

Taehyung looked at you with defeated eyes. You looked at him and saw that he knew he had done things and said things that he couldn’t take back. 

His eyes were now puffy and bloodshot. His voice croaked, “So where does this leave us? We go back to ignoring each other? You pretend I don't exist and I do the same to you?”

You sighed as you walked back to your front door. you turned to look at him before you shut the door close, “It's for the best Taehyung.”

You closed the door, not waiting to see if he had left your porch. You sat on the ground, back against the door as tears collected in your eyelashes. You know you really love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart

———————————————————————————————————

You left later than planned, purposefully just so you could avoid traveling with Taehyung or even running into him by accident on campus. When you got back to school, Hana was out with Jungkook so you began to unpack, trying to distract yourself. You had told her a little bit about what happened, that you told him how you felt but he didn't reciprocate. You definitely made it seem you weren’t as torn up about it as you actually were, avoiding her FaceTime calls so she couldn’t see your bloodshot eyes. 

You slumped on your bed, scrolling through an academic paper you were attempting to read for class but you couldn’t focus. His fucking smile, his fucking laugh, his fucking curly hair, it was all swimming in your mind and you couldn’t stop thinking about him. 

You felt your eyes well up with tears and shut your laptop. You laid down on your bed and buried yourself in your blankets. You drifted off to sleep, exhausted from being so emotionally drained. 

You jolted awake when you felt a hand on your shoulder. 

“__________.”

“Whatttt?” You groaned as rolled over and saw Hana sitting on the edge of your bed. You rubbed your eyes and broke out into a smile when you saw your roommate, “Hana!”

She gave you a hug and gave you a concerned look, “How are you?”

You felt your words get caught in your throat, immediately feeling tears well up in your eyes, “I’m okay. Dunno why I can/t stop crying.” 

Hana rubbed your shoulder soothingly, “You just lost one of your best friends. Your heart got completely broken. It’s okay to cry __________.”

“I’m so fucking stupid. I wish I didn't give him this power to hurt me,” you whispered softly.

“Hey, it's okay ___________. I'm so proud of you. You worked up the courage to tell him how you feel. And what you feel matters, so you shouldn’t feel bad about it, okay?”

You shook your head. You couldn’t even explain your heartbreak to Hana. Because she wouldn’t understand. You wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on anyone. Unrequited love doesn’t just make you feel sad. It breaks you down. It preys on your deepest insecurities and leaves you hollow and empty. Because in the end, it was you. You were the problem, you were the reason why it didn’t work out. It's not even that he was in love with someone else. It was simply that he didn't love you. 

Hana spoke cautiously, “What exactly did he say when you told him?”

You tried to recall but your mind was a bit foggy as you tried to mentally block out that day, “Um, well he said he doesn’t love me that way. And that he was confused about his feelings.”

“He said he was confused?”

“Yea,”

“Hmm. it's a weird word choice but…”

“But what?”

“Im sorry ___________. I'm going to be honest with you, just so it doesn’t hurt more later. When a guy says they’re confused, they probably don't have feelings at all and are just trying to be nice. That's the only thing not complicated about them. If a guy likes a girl, he won’t hide it and say he is confused.”

“I’m fucking crazy to think he was into me” you said, tears slowly rolling down your cheeks.

“Do you still love him?” 

“Yea”

“How much?” 

“Why does it matter?” You retorted coldly, staring at your blankets.

She responded in a soft tone, “Why does it not?” 

You met her eyes, “Because he doesn’t love me back” 

“If you still love him, then you can't be around him right now. But you shouldn’t regret your feelings towards him. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but you’ll get through this.”

You fiddled with your hands, trying to steady your breathing, “It’s unfathomable. I can’t possibly envision a future with him loving me the way I want him to. But I can't get rid of this feeling, that somewhere deep inside me, I still have hope that he’ll fall for me.  It’s pathetic really, how much I still hope it’s him and me in the end.”

She put her arm around your shoulder, pulling you into her embrace, “It's not pathetic. You love him, its okay to want him. But I promise you, you’ll get through this, and I'll be there for you the entire time. You are such an amazing person, you are kind and smart and if he can’t see that, then fuck him.”

you laughed humorlessly, “Thanks Hana.” You paused and then whispered hoarsely, “I wish love was perfect as love itself.”

“it will be. Once you find the one. It will all feel so easy and natural when you find your actual love.”

It was silent for a few moments and then she looked at your puffy eyes, “Are you feeling better?”

You sniffled and nodded, “I’ll be fine.”

“How do you know that?” she asked seriously. 

You glanced at the window, seeing the rain droplets slide down the window pane, “Because my whole life I’ve been in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. It’s nothing new.”

“Boys are fucking stupid” Hana said, shaking her head.

“So fucking stupid.” 

———————————————————————————————————

Hana did her best to keep you distracted, walking with you to class, eating meals with you, hanging out with you on the weekends, always going to the library with you. Jungkook tagged along most of the time but only after Hana asked you if it was okay. Seeing Jungkook did remind you of Taehyung, but his presence didn't bother you too much since he was always cracking jokes to make you smile. 

You didn't see Taehyung around campus at all. It was like he was a ghost, completely gone from your life. It almost made it worse because then you yearned to see him, just to see his cute smile, to hear his adorable laugh. You missed his annoying headass personality that made your heart flutter, you missed the way you could talk to him about anything and everything because he actually listened, you missed being the person he could trust the most to talk to about his feelings. 

Sometimes you got these heart aches, you could physically feel yourself falling apart at the seams. And it just hurt. It hurt to breathe, to think, to feel. And you didn’t know what hurt the most: The fact that he wasn’t in your life anymore and you won’t ever see his doe eyes and boxy smile again or the fact that you weren’t enough for him and that you’ll never be enough for him. 

 The pain of him just not being in your life was worse than you could ever imagine. Then, that combined with the realization your love was unrequited made you feel like you weren't ever going to get through this. 

You sat on the first floor of the library with Hana, working through some biology worksheets to prepare for class. Hana was talking to you about the new boba place on campus, “They have the best green milk tea.”

“Damn I miss boba. I haven’t had it in so long.”

“Lets go right after this. They have a bunch of flavors.”

You nodded, feeling weirdly excited for just boba. 

“Hi” you heard a voice say.

You looked up and saw Jennie. 

“Hi?” you said, very confused. 

She smoothed out her pink tennis skirt and sat down on the seat next to you, “Can we talk?”

“About?”

“Him.”

You glanced at Hana, who was also clearly uncomfortable. You really didn't want to talk to her about Taehyung but Hana gave you a small nod.

“Fine.”

Jennie looked at Hana uneasily, “Can we talk alone?”

You crossed your arms defensively, “Anything you have to say to me, Hana can hear it too.”

Hana put her hand on your shoulder reassuringly, “It’s okay. You should talk to her alone. I'll be by the vending machines in the back. Come and find me when you're done talking.”

She got up after giving you a smile.

You sighed deeply, facing Jennie, “So what’s up?”

“What happened? With you and Taehyung?”

“That's literally none of your business. Did he tell you something?”

She looked concerned, “No. Well. Kinda. Not really. After we all got back to campus, Taehyung didn't text me or call me. Which is strange because he usually calls or texts around every two weeks or so to hook up. But once we got back, he didn't respond to any of my messages. So I went over to his dorm.”

“And?”

“And he looked like shit. Like he hadn't slept or showered or eaten properly. I tried asking him what happened but he just told me to leave and not to come back. I ran into Jimin on the way out. He said you two had a falling out and Taehyung has been a wreck since. Tae has barely left his room, only for school and soccer and thats with Jimin and his other friends forcing him to.”

What? What was going on with him? Was he really this affected by your friendship? That didn't make any sense you guys had only recently become friends. Surely he could easily just resume his lifestyle to when you guys weren’t close. 

You looked at Jennie, “I told him that I loved him. And he said he didn’t love me. I said we couldn’t be friends, at least not for a while. I guess he didn't take it well.”

You thought Jennie would just laugh in your face or say “I told you so”, but she didn't. She pulled you into a side hug, “Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I’m sorry. I know how it feels.”

“Did you ever tell him how you felt?”

She laughed softly, “I didn’t. I was too scared. I knew he would reject me. I guess I was scared of losing him, even just as a fuck buddy. So I just quietly pined over him from a distance.”

You chuckled, “You and me both.”

“I kinda admire that you had the guts to tell him how you felt. If he didn't have feelings for you, there's no possible way he ever liked me.”

You scoffed, “I'm sure he has feelings for you. You're so beautiful. And nice. And pretty. There's no way he didn't like you.”

“__________, you know you're beautiful too. I was actually always jealous of you.”

You were completely shocked, “Jealous of me?”

“Yes! No matter where we were, you could always get Taehyung's attention without even trying. I had to literally climb on top of him to get him to even think about me. Sorry about that by the way.”

“You don't have to be sorry about that. It's not a big deal. Honestly boys are so fucking stupid. I don't know why we let him use us and hurt us so much.”

“Exactly. I hope...we can be friends. Like for real.”

You nodded, “I'm sorry too. I was kinda a bitch to you.”

“Like you said, it's not a big deal. that's all in the past.” 

Jennie got up and smiled at you. She paused for a moment, looking at you carefully, “By the way, you mean a lot to Taehyung. I know you're upset at him right now but maybe you can consider being friends with him in awhile.”

She stalked away leaving you in your thoughts. It was still too soon. But you felt better. Some of your sadness that you felt for yourself went away, transforming into a sort of anger and annoyance at Taehyung: he used girls like you and Jennie all the time and would play with their feelings just so he could feel good about himself. Fuck boys. 

———————————————————————————————————

You were sitting on the picnic benches near the soccer field like how you used to do, but now Taehyung doesn’t come and sit next to you. The peacefulness of being outdoors allowed you to finally focus on your work without any distractions. As you were studying your statistics homework, you heard someone call your name. You looked up and it was Jimin's smiling face.

“Hey ___________!”

“Hey” you said quietly. You were a bit surprised to see Jimin talking to you. You kinda figured whatever friendship you two had was gone once you and Taehyung stopped talking.

“Are you doing the stats homework?” He said walking over to you, both his backpack and soccer bag slung over his shoulder.

“Um yea,” you said, shifting uneasily. Why was he talking to you? If he was here to talk about Taehyung, you were going to get up and leave. You really weren’t emotionally or mentally prepared to talk about him with one his closest friends.

“I was actually having some trouble with the assignment. Could you help me with it?” He said, dropping his bags on the picnic table.

“Uh sure I guess,” you mumbled out as he sat next to you. Jimin gave you his signature beautiful smile and you felt terrible because all you could offer was your half hearted one. He pulled out his notes and you began to help him with a few of his questions. 

Being around Jimin was actually immensely helpful. He successfully distracted you with his cute jokes and charming personality. After about an hour or so, you realized you should be heading back to your dorm so you stood and began to pack up your things. 

“___________?”

“Yeah?”

“I was wondering...” he looked a bit nervous, giving you a shy smile, “I was wondering if you want to get dinner together tomorrow?”

You blinked. Was Park Jimin asking you out? What? What the fuck was going on?

“You want to get dinner...with me?” You asked, confused.

He laughed, “Yes I want to. Do you want to...with me?”

Was this a prank or something? Did he want something from you? 

“Wait is this like a study dinner thing with a group?” You asked, very unsure.

Jimin chuckled again as he ran his hand through his brown hair, “No _________, this isn’t a study dinner thing with a group. I want to get dinner with just you with no studying involved.”

You fiddled with the end of your hair, trying to process what he was saying, “Is this a date or...” 

“It can be whatever you want. It can be two friends getting food together or it can be something more.”

“Jimin...I dunno. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea” you said, thinking of Taehyung.

He put his hand gently on your shoulder, “If you’re upset about Taehyung, I get it. But that’s why I said it can be two friends hanging out.”

You thought about it and pursed your lips. Why do I give a fuck about what Taehyung thinks? He made it clear that we are just friends and that he has no feelings for me. Honestly we aren’t even friends anymore so I don’t give a fuck about what he thinks.

You slung your bag over your shoulder and smiled at Jimin, “You know what? You’re right. We can hang. Just text me later.” 

You wanted to feel confident and happy that you were trying to move on and make plans with people instead of laying in your dorm room bed all day but there was still a nagging feeling of hurt and longing in your heart that didn’t know would ever disappear.

———————————————————————————————————

You wanted to feel the same butterflies you always felt whenever you saw Taehyung, but as you stepped out of your dorm and saw Jimin leaning against his black Audi, wearing sunglasses and a black tee tucked into black skinny jeans, you didn’t feel anything.

He smiled at you, “Hey __________. You look cute.” Again, nothing.

“Thanks. You look pretty good yourself.” You retorted playfully. 

He opened the car door for you and you sat in the car, immediately getting flashbacks to Taehyung's birthday party and how he took you for a joyride in this very car. You smoothed out your black pleated skirt and picked at your leggings hoping you would get distracted and not reminisce over the happiness you felt sitting in this car with Taehyung. 

You and Jimin chatted quietly about your days and your classes before you realized he had parked in front of a small restaurant.

“I actually have been meaning to go here for a while, but never found the time. Or the right person to go with,” Jimin said with a teasing smile as you walked into the restaurant.

Sometimes you would forget that Jimin was just as much as a fuckboi as Taehyung except with more braincells but then he would tease you, just like Taehyung used to, with flirty jokes and seductive smiles and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at his antics.

As you slurped on your ramen noodles, you found that you and Jimin had more in common than you realized. 

“You watch Gossip Girl?” you said widening your eyes when he lit up at your off hand comment about re binging the show over break.

“Of course! Nate is my literal inspiration!” he exclaimed with a huge smile.

“Nate?” you thought about it for a moment and then continued, “Actually, he’s definitely the least problematic one out of everyone in the show.”

“And…he definitely has the best style.” Jimin added as he sipped his water.

you talked a bit about his winter break and his adventures in europe. 

“So did you go with your family or..” you asked, curious.

“I went with some friends from home. I wanted to get some of the BTS guys to go with me but we decided to go on a group trip for spring break.” 

“Where did you go in Europe?”

“Um, I went to England, then France, then Germany.”

“Oh wow. that's a lot of places,” you commented, a bit surprised since break was only two weeks.

“I dunno. I think traveling is such a great way to relax I guess. Going to new places and experiencing new cultures with friends.”

“That's valid. I guess in my head traveling gives me stress. So did you go sight seeing or just kinda wandered around the city?”

He chuckled, a light blush coming to his cheeks, “Uh, kinda, I guess.”

You wrinkled your eyebrows, not understanding why he was getting flustered, “What? What did you do?”

He ran his hand through his hair, catching a glimpse at how silky his dark brown locks were, “Well, it was like 25 percent sightseeing historical buildings.”

“And the other 75 percent?”

“Sightseeing night clubs” he said laughing.

“So you went to Europe to go to clubs?” you said trying to stifle your laughs.

“In my defense, European clubs are way different so there’s that.”

You raised your eyebrows at him, “And?”

“And what?” he said leaning forward on his arms.

“What about the European girls?”

“Oh fuck off,” Jimin said, averting his eyes and laughing.

“What else should I expect from Park Jimin? European vacation for clubbing and girls.”

“Dude, you make me sound like I'm Chuck Bass,” Jimin countered, his face a complete shade of pink, fully embarrassed at your teasing.

After you two paid for your meals, Jimin walked you over to a cute little cafe next door. You excitedly picked out a slice of strawberry cake, desperately wanting something comforting after feeling alone for the past month while Jimin ordered a coffee. You tried to pay for your own cake but of course Jimin wouldn’t hear of it and paid for it, insisting it was the “gentlemanly” thing to do (you had to roll your eyes at this). 

You two made your way to a picnic table in front of the restaurant, sitting underneath the bright fairy lights hung up outside, giving just enough light in the darkness of the night. He sat across from you, sipping his coffee. You opened up the box that contained the cake and smiled, remembering the good memories you had attached with it. You brushed your hair behind your ear and took a bite.

You offered some to him which he accepted.

“___________, I'm not sure if you want to talk about this yet, but I just wanted to ask how you are doing? Like for real?”

You sighed. You figured he was going to ask you about this at some point tonight, “Okay I guess. I mean not great but i'm going on. It’s whatever I guess” 

“It's not whatever. I'm really sorry that happened to you. It hurts, doesn’t it?”

You nodded softly and whispered out, “It does.” 

You were scared to ask but you knew you couldn’t go home tonight without asking Jimin, “How is he?”

He set his coffee on the table, “Not good. He misses you. A lot.”

Your heart broke at his words. You wished he just told you that Taehyung didn't give a shit. That he was doing great and that he was still fucking Jennie and didnt even notice that you weren’t in his life anymore. 

Part of you didn't believe his words, “Nah. I'm sure he’s fine.”

“No __________ he isn't. He doesn’t go out anymore. He just goes to class and soccer practice. That's it.”

You closed your eyes, processing what Jimin was saying. Why is he so upset? He broke your heart. He made you cry. He made you feel worthless so why is he acting like this? 

“Does he know you’re hanging out with me tonight?”

“Uh no. But I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. You said this was just as friends so there’s no reason for me to tell him and have him get all worked up about it,” Jimin said, shrugging his shoulders. 

You nodded, resting your hands on the picnic table, trying to take deep breaths to calm your nerves.

He stood up and sat next to you, his legs touching yours. He reached over and took your hands in his, “I don't know why he’s so torn up about this whole situation, especially since he broke your heart. I tried telling him that you need space and that it's completely fair of you to not want to be friends for now but he always dodges the conversation. I'll try talking to him again.”

Your voice cracked as you looked at Jimin, Thank you. For being a good friend. For listening to me. For caring about me.”

He put his arm around your shoulder, pulling you into his embrace, “Of course. I just really want you and Taehyung to be okay. Both of you are my friends and I care about you guys a lot.” 

Jimin dropped you off at your dorm and told you to call him if you ever needed anything. You gave him a weak smile and went back to your room, feeling slightly okay.

You laid on your bed and checked Instagram since you hadn’t looked at it in a while. You noticed Jimin had something recently posted which was kinda odd because he rarely posted on his Instagram story and you were just with him. You clicked on his story and your eyes widened when you saw it was a picture of you captioned with a single purple heart. 

It was a photo he took of you sitting across from him at the picnic table. You were smiling at the strawberry cake in front of you. You couldn’t clearly see your face since your hair was somewhat covering it but if anyone knew you, it was very obvious. You were worried for a moment that Taehyung would see it before you remembered you two weren’t on speaking terms anymore. Well, its a cute picture and I had a good time with Jimin tonight so who cares? you thought, shrugging your worries away. 

———————————————————————————————————

The next morning, you woke up feeling better than you had in a long time. The weight that you had been dredging around for the past month or so had felt lighter. You grabbed your baking basket and some strawberries from your fridge, finally feeling the excitement to bake in a long time. You also wanted some time to think; a lot had changed since you came back home from break and you wanted to properly sort out how you were feeling about the whole situation. 

You tied up your hair, and laid out the ingredients to make strawberry muffins. You thought about Jennie as you mixed the flour, baking soda, and salt together. She was hurt too. You never really thought about how she felt in this whole situation, but in her own way, she was dealing with her own personal insecurities. She wanted Taehyung too and you had him in a way she never did. 

You were glad that you two were on friendly terms now because she was a sweet and kind person once you got to actually knowing her. You felt upset at the way Taehyung treated her. He knew her feelings and yet he continued to play with them, just like he played with yours. After hanging out with Jimin, you were also heartbroken to hear that Taehyung’s behavior hadn’t improved. You wanted him to recover just like you were. 

But it seemed like he needed you. And you didn't need him. You wanted him, that was for sure. But you didn’t need him because you were moving on. Each day it was getting easier to breathe and to think clearly. You began to mix the eggs, milk, and vanilla extract into the dry ingredients, slowly stirring as you thought. You paused and realized that you felt empty. Like your heart had finally gone numb. 

As if it were finally exhausted of the roller coaster of emotions you spent with him: anger, jealousy, nervousness, love, happiness. Your heart burned and burned and then suddenly turned to ice. You mixed the chopped up strawberry pieces with flour then added it to the batter. 

It felt nice, not feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions. You thought about what Hana had told you when you came back, that if he couldn’t recognize your worth, then fuck him. And then suddenly you cared even less.  Because the only person’s validation you needed was your own. You evenly divided the batter into 12 equal portions in the muffin tin. You popped the tin into the oven and sat down on the empty chair. 

You didn't need Taehyung's validation, you didn't need his love, to feel complete. You were complete on your own. You still had sadness for him, you still wanted him, but after these past few weeks, you came to the realization that you were enough and that pining and sitting in your room all day, waiting for him wasn’t going to do you any good. You breathed out softly, trying to reassure yourself, “It's going to be fine.”

———————————————————————————————————

“You’ll really come?” Hana asked excitedly.

You were sitting on your bed, relaxing as you attempted to proofread your essay. 

“Ya, I will. I’m not really making any progress with this essay right now. So I'll come.” Hana had been trying to convince you to come to a party all day and you had finally agreed. It had been a while since you went out, especially with the whole situation with Taehyung going on, you rarely left your room. But now, you were feeling much better emotionally and mentally. 

You got ready with Hana, opting for a simple jeans and sweater because it was still cold outside. 

She told you that the party wasn’t at the BTS frat and it calmed your nerves a little. Even though you were feeling better, you didn’t know what you would do if you saw Taehyung. It was still too soon. The wounds he left still hurt. 

“EXO parties are always fucking insane,” Hana raved as you two entered the frat house.

“Why?” you asked curious

“Cuz they rarely have parties but when they do, they go all out.” she said smiling as you looked around. Your eyes widened when you saw a huge tower of beer cans stacked in the middle, a DJ at the front of the house, and several stripper poles.

“What the fuck…” you mumbled as you looked around. 

“Jungkook is here somewhere.” Hana muttered as she led you through the enormous crowd. 

She found Jungkook in the kitchen by drinks, talking with Yoongi and Hobi. The second Jungkook saw Hana he pulled her into a deep kiss. You were really happy for Hana but it stung. Would anyone ever love you like that? You sighed and said hello to Yoongi and Hobi. 

“How is it going _________. Haven’t seen you in awhile.” Hobi said, smiling widely. 

Yoongi elbowed him in the stomach and whispered loudly, “Bro, shut up.”

You laughed awkwardly, “It's okay. I'm fine. just been doing school stuff.”

Yoongi gave you a soft smile, “I'm glad you are doing well. I know it's all complicated but I hope we can all still be friends.”

You nodded, “Of course.”

 Hobi handed you a drink, “Try this.”

You looked in the red solo cup and it was a blue colored drink, “What the fuck is this?”

“There isn’t any alcohol! It's just a blue Hawaiian punch mixed with sprite.”

“That sounds like a heart attack in a cup.” Yoongi said, utterly confused at the combination. 

“I'm telling you, It's good. Try it _________.”

You took a sip and it was very sweet, but not bad tasting. “It's decent. Not terrible,” you said nodding. 

Jungkook came over with Hana wrapped in his hard, “Guys I heard that EXO got strippers for tonight. That’s fucking insane.”

Hana punched his arm and Jungkook exclaimed, “Owww. I never said I was going to do anything about it. Just stating a fact.”

You were laughing at Jungkook’s pure stupidity when someone caught your eye. Your heart stopped. Of course he was here tonight. All his friends were.  You hadn’t seen him since that day on your porch. Then you saw his arm wrapped around her. Then the sadness that was in your heart immediately bloomed into anger. What the fuck? All this fucking talk of not wanting a girlfriend yet he was here with her? 

Hana put a hand on your shoulder, “Do you want to leave? We can go.”

You shook your head, “I'm fine.” 

“I can literally beat his ass right now if you want,” She said aggressively.

Jungkong squeezed Hana’s shoulder, “That's my Hana, lovely and scary.”

You gave her a weak smile, “I'm okay. For real. I just need you to be here for me. Thats all.”

You hadn’t spoken or seen Taehyung since that day on your porch. He looked sad. You could tell. You knew him better than anyone else in your life. He was putting on a mask, pretending like he was happy. But you could see it, the hollowness in his cheeks, the fact that he hadn’t shaved because of all the stubble on his face, his curly hair now long and unruly because he hadn’t gotten a haircut in awhile. He was wearing a simple white shirt tucked into a pair of jeans (unfortunately he still did look hot but you weren’t going to admit that) 

He walked up to you guys with Jennie by his side. He gave you a glance but you didn't meet his eyes, quickly looking away. Jennie gave you a small wave and you returned it. It was kinda ironic because before you would focus on the fact that Jennie was with him but since you guys were friends now, you fixed your annoyance on Taehyung. 

Taehyung and Jennie were talking to the group casually but about five minutes into the conversation, you couldn’t handle it anymore, pretending like everything was fine when it really wasn’t. 

You slowly left the circle and leaned on the drinks table behind your group of friends, exhaling deeply.

Jimin walked over, grinning with his beautiful smile, “Hey”

He leaned against the table, standing right next to you, “Hi”

“Shitty party right?” Jimin said, chuckling.

“It just became shitty” you said, sipping your drink, eyeing Taehyung.

“I don't why he came here with her. He literally hasn’t properly spoken to her or seen her since last semester,” Jimin said sincerely.

“Ya well I don’t give a fuck. He can do whatever he wants. We aren’t even friends anymore,” You said harshly. 

You and Jimin chatted a bit, and you almost forgot your annoyance at Taehyung. Then he walked over, with a stupid smirk on his face, “Excuse me __________ could you move? You’re standing in front of the drinks.”

You glared at him as you sipped your drink cooly, shrugging your shoulders, “Sucks.”

He towered over you, giving you an intimidating stare, slowly biting his lip, “C’mon _______ don’t be a bitch. Just move/”

Jimin stood up straight, “What the fuck did you just say to her?”

Taehyung gave you a cold laugh and raised his eyebrows teasingly, “Wow __________ you really need him to fight your battles?”

You knew that Taehyung was pissed at this point but you wanted to push his buttons further. You spoke in a calm tone, knowing that would make him even more annoyed, “I don’t, but he does have something called manners which is something that you could use.” 

He leaned his face close to yours. You felt his breath tickling your neck as you got a whiff of his cologne, “Aww, I think you’re just salty _________” 

You took a step towards him, not wanting him to get the satisfaction that he could intimidate you, “What could I possibly be salty about?”

Taehyung gave you a cocky smile, “Maybe that I’m here with Jennie. It must sting a little.”

You clenched your jaw. He had stepped over the line now. You knew exactly what he was trying to imply, that he had moved on with her. You were mad because he was once again just using Jennie for his own douchebag reasons. You looked Taehyung directly in the eye and scoffed, “You’re a fucking asshole.” 

He put his hands up defensively, “Calm down _________ no need to make a scene.” 

The amount of anger that flared in you in that moment was unprecedented. You wanted to embarrass him. You wanted to humiliate him. You wanted him to know how you felt right now. 

Then an idea popped in your head. You gave him a small smile and spoke in a sweet, innocent voice, “Oh my gosh you’re right Taehyung. I shouldn’t make a scene.”

Then you dumped your entire blue drink on his white shirt and smiled. Taehyung's eyes widened as he looked at his ruined shirt and Jimin gasped in shock. The second you dropped your drink onto Taehyung, Jennie turned around and laughed at what you did. Taehyung's eyes met yours and you realized you might have gone too far. His eyes were dangerous and dark. But if you were going to be honest, it felt really fucking good to do that. 

You shrugged and said sweetly, “Oops” 

Taehyung growled, “What the fu-“

You crushed the red solo cup you were still clutching against his chest and let it drop to the ground, “Calm down Tae you wouldn’t want to make a scene, right?”

You smirked at him and walked away. You could hear Yoongi and Hobi laughing while Jimin was trying to apologize for your behavior. 

Hana was able to find you on the couch a few minutes later.

She was laughing as she sat down next to you, “___________ that was so fucking hilarious.”

“I knew you would appreciate it.”

“It was good. I thought it was funny.”

You knew something was up because she had a concerned look in her eyes

“But...?” You asked cautiously 

“How long is this going to go on between you and Taehyung?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you guys used to be best friends. Are you guys just going to hate each other from now on?”

“I’m not the one who needs to make amends. He was an asshole to me.”

“Both of you need to make amends. You guys just need to talk. I’m not saying you guys should be besties again or anything but I think you guys need to learn how to be civil with one another. This shit can’t keep happening every time you see each other.”

“I’m not talking to him Hana.” You said forcefully.

She sighed and got up, defeated. After a few minutes she came back with a huge smile.

“Oh my gosh __________ I need to tell you something!” 

“What?”

“We need to go somewhere private. No one else can hear,” She said tugging you from the couch.

You tried asking her questions as she dragged you but Hana wouldn’t budge.

She opened a door that revealed to be a closet and said, “Perfect. Let’s go in here.”

Hana pushed you in the closet and closed the door behind you two.

“Okay what’s going on Hana?”

She glanced at her phone as if she were waiting for a text or something, “oh um so...Jungkook told me that he loves me.”

“Really? Oh my gosh! Well, how do you feel about it?”

“Oh I told him I loved him back.”

“Did you mean it? Do you actually love him?”

“Of course! He’s kinda stupid but he’s so caring and he loves me so much.”

You wrinkled your eyebrows, confused, “Okay so what’s the problem? Why did you drag me into a closet to tell me this?”

Her phone buzzed, “I’ll be right back __________. Jungkook just texted me. Just stay right here, don’t leave.” She said as she left the closet, leaving you in the darkness.

You tapped your foot impatiently wondering what Hana was up to.

You heard hurried, rushed voices and then the door of the closer swung open. You heard a very familiar deep voice exclaim, “What the fuck Jimin? Why are you pushing me Into this closet?” 

The closet door slammed shut. 

You rolled your eyes, “You have got to be fucking with me.”

“___________?” Taehyung asked from the darkness next to you. 

You banged on the door, “Hana I swear to god let me out right now.”

You heard her muffled voice, “No! You guys need to talk!”

Taehyung pounded on the door next to you, “Jimin I’m not fucking around. Open the door. Now.”

Jimin's voice sounded strained, “I’m sorry guys! But this is good for you! You guys need to figure your shit out.”

You sighed, leaning against the door, “I hate both of you.”

Taehyung whispered out hoarsely, breaking the silence “This is your fucking fault.”

You turned to face him, shocked at his accusation, “My fault? How is this my fault? You were the one being a complete douchebag!” 

“You dumped your drink on me!” Taehyung exclaimed, pulling at his now blue stained shirt. 

You stabbed your finger in his chest,“You were the one who was being rude first!”

“You went out with my best friend!” 

You went quiet. What? Is he talking about Jimin? That was a while ago and even so, he has no right to care about who I go out with!

“Are you talking about Jimin?” You asked, annoyed.

“Who else posted you on their story with heart captions?” he scoffed.

“First of all, it's none of your business who I spend my time with. And second, not that it even matters, Jimin and I are just friends.”

He taunted, “Yea I’ve heard that one before.”

“Why the fuck do you even care Taehyung? We aren’t together, we aren’t even friends.”

He paused, trying to think of an answer, “Whatever. I don’t care. Do whatever you want. I just thought you were better than that.”

“Better than what? I'm so confused. I dont get why you are so angry with me. If anything, I'm the one who has the right to be angry right now.”

“You? Why do you get to be angry?”

“Because you broke my heart! And you're shoving it in my face. You're literally mocking my feelings. First you told me that my first kiss didn't matter, that it was only a kiss and I was making too much of it. And now you're here with Jennie, asking me if I feel jealous of her! Like how the fuck should I respond to that? All of your shitty actions made me realize that you don’t give a fuck about me and my feelings. I’m moving on from you Taehyung. You don’t want my love so I’m trying to move the fuck on. Isn’t this what you want?” You gasped out, holding back the tears forming in your eyes. You just had to let it all out, all of your hurt feelings that had been building up for the past couple of months. 

He wasn’t looking at you, just staring at the wooden floors of the closet, “I dunno. I just never thought you would just start talking to new guys already. I thought you wanted love.”

“I’m not the romantic you think I am. I’m not looking for someone to make me complete or to make me feel like I’m worth something. I am complete on my own and I know my worth. I just want to be with someone who can give me the same amount of love and appreciate I have finally figured out how to give myself.”

He made eye contact with you finally, “So what, we’re just going to cut each other off? Completely? Don’t you want me?”

You breathed out, leaning against the door, “I want you but I want you to want me too. I fucking miss you all day every day and you can’t even imagine how pathetic it makes me feel because I don’t even know if you miss me back.”

His shoulder brushed against yours, his voice hoarse, “I've been a shitty friend. I'm sorry. I am really, really fucking sorry. We shouldn’t have kissed. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I don't regret it but I regret what it did to us. I regret how I acted afterwards. I’m so immature. I don't have feelings for Jennie. The only reason why I came tonight is because she told me you were coming. And I knew I just had to see you. But then when I saw you with Jimin, I just felt so jealous. Because that should have been me, we should have been here tonight, hanging out. But I fucked up. You told me you wanted those moments to be meaningful and I stole it from you. And that can’t be replaced. You deserve better than me, okay? But I want you back. I want us to be friends again. Because I’m fucking falling apart without you. I miss you so much. Please, can you forgive me? Can we be friends again?”

You looked into his huge brown doe eyes and your heart did a flip flop. Fuck I still love him. Even though pretending to not love him was exhausting, completely having him out of your life hurt a thousand times worse. God you were the biggest headass on the planet. 

You cringed at your own words, “Yea Tae, we can be friends.” 

He pulled you into a huge hug and didn't let go. You could feel your heart breaking in your chest, you could never tell him how much he’s hurt you. 

———————————————————————————————————

You felt like you were getting a literal migraine because of the deja vu you were experiencing, again. Pretending to be friends with Taehyung while secretly pining for him. It had been around a month or so since you two had reconciled and agreed to be friends again. 

But you still found yourself staring at him for too long when you sat at the picnic benches to do work, you still found your heart beating too fast whenever he would lean in close to you, you still found yourself in love with him. 

However, it was different this time because there was no ‘what if’ or ‘maybe’. He didn't love you the way you wanted him to. If you were going to be honest, you did appreciate knowing this. It made it easier to try to move on. Taehyung did have one thing wrong: you weren’t talking to new guys. Your method of moving on consisted of trying to remember the hurt things he did to you to stop yourself from falling further in the pit of despair. But for him, you could pretend like you were happy when you were actually sad; for him, you could pretend like you were strong when you were actually hurt. 

You were pretty sure he thought you didn't love him anymore. He acted completely normal around you, going on as if you two hadn’t had the biggest fall out in your friendship. It helped, you guessed, pretending. It was something you were both good at. 

You were sitting on your bed when your phone buzzed. It was a snap from Taehyung. You opened and groaned when you saw his snapchat. Taehyung had the infuriating habit of sending suggestive snaps. It was almost always a blurry selfie, very clearly indicating that he was shirtless (he told you he didn't see a reason to wear a shirt if he was in the comfort of his own room). You couldn’t help but feel your heart skip a beat when you caught a glimpse of his well defined collarbones. It was so on brand of him, to tease you like this. Luckily, he did have something actual to say and it wasn’t just a shirtless snap. 

He added the caption r u busy Saturday.

There was a nagging thought in your head that you had something planned on Saturday but you couldn’t remember. 

You snapped back a picture of your ceiling uhh I don’t think so.

Right away he responded (with another blurry selca) come to the soccer banquet w me

Oh shit. The soccer banquet. You had completely forgotten. Jimin had told you about the banquet last week while you two were waiting for biology class to start. He asked you if you wanted to go with him. You said maybe but Jimin told you that Taehyung was planning on asking you. Going with Jimin immediately sounded like a better option. You really just wanted to maintain some sort of distance from Taehyung, it made it easier to ignore the heartbreak. You ended up agreeing to go with Jimin as friends. 

you typed i kinda forgot but jimin actually asked me to go w him and i said ok.

he sent a clear picture of his face, his curly hair looking very fluffy oh, ok. have fun.

Fuck he was definitely mad. You nervously bit your lip, thinking if you should go with Taehyung and cancel with Jimin. 

You: taehyung just asked me about Saturday. He seemed kinda annoyed that I was going w u

Jimin: ah that makes sense. I just walked into the kitchen and he was eating my leftover dumplings.

You: I don’t want him to be upset. 

You: ugh maybe I just won’t go

Jimin: he just gets pouty sometimes it’s not a big deal

You: what if he shows up w a date? idk if i wanna see that

Jimin: it'll be ok. He might not even go anymore. I’ll tell u if he says anything 

You tried to occupy yourself with homework and studies so you wouldn’t frantic over the banquet. By the time the banquet day rolled around, Jimin heard nothing from Taehyung. He tried to reassure you that there was little chance Taehyung would actually show up since he hadn’t talked to any of the BTS members about it.

Hana also tried to calm your nerves as she helped you get ready but she had to leave you a bit early so she could help Jungkook (apparently the man was incapable of knotting a bowtie). She told you that she would finish her makeup and get dressed at his room so she would see you there.

You stared at yourself in the mirror, trying to think in positive thoughts. You were attempting to follow through on your mindset change and trying not to only focus on your insecurities. You combed through the loose waves in your hair, adjusting your soft pink tulle skirt. Jimin texted you that he was outside so you left your room quickly, just wanting for this night to be over already. 

He flashed his gorgeous smile at you, opening the car door for you, “You look so pretty __________.”

You gave him a weak smile, knowing he was just saying that to be nice, “Thank you Jimin. You look good too. I like your sunglasses.” 

He walked around to the other side of the car and drove to the banquet. Once you got there, you realized this event was insanely fancy. Since the BTS guys won the championship, they were essentially the guests of honor, with a few other teams receiving recognition for their own achievements. Jimin explained to you the different awards that would be presented tonight and told you a bit about the other teams. When he kept on droning on about the different roles of the midfielder position, you glanced around the large hall, a bit bored from Jimin’s monologue when you spotted him. I thought he wasn’t coming! He was alone, hands shoved in his pocket, walking coolly.

You internally groaned when you felt your heart skip a beat when you saw his fluffy hair. He was wearing black slacks, a soft pink collared shirt, and a white coat jacket with a black carnation pinned to it (191029 Taehyung). Once again, your thoughts immediately ran to “oh shit he’s hot.” His eyes met yours for a split second and you pretended not to see him, turning to listen back into Jimin’s lecture on soccer. 

After 15 more minutes of explaining the technicalities of shooting a goal, Jimin patted your shoulder softly, “I’ll go get us some drinks. I’ll be back.” 

You nodded at him and looked for Hana. You saw her sitting at a table with Jungkook so you walked over, not wanting to bump into Taehyung. 

“Hey!” She said giving you a hug. Hana looked stunning as always. She was wearing a deep red, long silk dress with a slit running from Her upper thigh.  You saw that Jungkook's bowtie matched her dress. 

You smiled at her, “How do you get prettier Hana? It’s not fair for the rest of us plebs.”

“Shut up. You look gorgeous. Trying to impress someone tonight?” She said teasingly, looking in the direction of Jimin.

You chuckled “oh no. We’re just friends. He asked me here as friends.”

She looked unconvinced, “Rightt.” 

You heard a voice go “ahem” behind you. You turned around at the sound of the familiar voice and saw Taehyung smirking at you. 

“Hey _________”

“Oh. Hey. “ You said nonchalantly.  

“Where’s Jimin?” Taehyung's eyes sparkled mischievously .

“He went to go get me a drink. He’s such a gentleman.” you said, trying to push his buttons a bit. 

He smiled, playing along with your game, “Of course. Except for the fact that he’s never had a steady relationship. And that he’s even more of a fuckboi than me.”

You rolled your eyes, “Taehyung you should probably go back to your date.”

He leaned in close, his breath tickling your neck and whispered huskily “You’re cute when you're jealous.”

Your face immediately reddened and you got up hastily, “Jimin’s probably waiting for me.” 

He pulled your arm back to face him, “If you must know, I came alone tonight. The only girl who I wanted to go with conveniently already had a date for tonight.”

You retorted back, snarkily, “If you must know, Jimin asked me properly, not the day before and through snapchat.”

You stormed away, infuriated at your own feelings and how you easily could fall for his one liners. You found Jimin talking with Namjoon, his girlfriend, and Yoongi. He smiled when he saw you, “Oh sorry. I just got a bit caught up. I have your drink.” He gave you a clear glass with a pink liquid, “It’s punch. No alcohol. Don’t worry.” 

Namjoon was talking about how he did not want to TA for biology lab next semester since the experience was a bit traumatizing, dealing with frantic and stressed out students at very inconvenient hours (you definitely being one of those students). Yoongi berated him for even signing up for such a draining job along with soccer and studies.

You spotted Taehyung from the corner of your eye, slowly inching into the conversation, first talking to Yoongi then Namjoon and his girlfriend. 

You were trying to focus on what Jimin was saying but you found yourself listening in Taehyung's conversation. 

You overheard him talking casually, “Yea I’m thinking about shaving my head. It’s just my hair has gotten way too long and curly. I can’t manage it” 

Your heart stopped. Not the curly hair. You were literally obsessed with his hair, and he knew it.  

You burst out from across the conversation, “Oh my god don’t touch your hair!”

He smirked and winked at you and you closed your eyes in embarrassment: you gave him exactly what he wanted, your attention.

Yoongi laughed “Damn __________ really likes your hair then Taehyungie. Guess you can’t cut it now.”

You felt your face redden even more when Jimin laughed at Yoongi's comment. 

Ugh Taehyung was pushing all your buttons. You walked away, annoyed at his behavior. You found a spot where there were little to no people and leaned on the cool marble wall, just observing the party from a distance. You saw Jungkook and Hana on the dance floor. Once again, you couldn’t help but feel a tad bit jealous. You wanted that and you wanted it with Taehyung. Hana threw her head back in laughter as Jungkook attempted to dance with her. 

“He’s always been shit at slow dancing,” You heard the voice behind you say. You already knew he would come and find you. He must want something otherwise why else would he be following you around like a lost puppy dog?

You didn't bother to look back at him, “Yea this is like the fourth time he’s stepped on Hana’s toes. I'm surprised she hasn’t kicked him in the shins yet.” 

You felt his shoulder brush against yours, “It's bound to happen at this rate.”

You laughed softly about to say something but you found yourself getting interrupted. 

A pretty girl that you didn't recognize came up to you two, extending her hand out to him, “Taehyung right?” 

He smiled sheepishly, shaking her hand awkwardly, “Uh yea. Sorry I don't know who you are. We didn't hook up right?”

She giggled, “No we didn't. I'm actually from Central University.”

“Ooh the rival school.”

She nodded, “Yep. I just wanted to introduce myself. I’m Yuna. If you're ever at Central for a game, you should totally let me know.”

You rolled your eyes, once again you found yourself in a situation where Taehyung was blatantly flirting in front of you. You blew on a dangling strand of hair that covered your eye. 

“Um sure. I'll let you know.”

She put her hand on her hip, “Great. Just dm me on Instagram.” She then walked away, completely ignoring the fact that you were standing right next to Taehyung the entire time. You couldn't help but feel insecure: why would she expect someone like Taehyung to be with someone like you? It didn't make sense. That's why she thought she could flirt with him and pretend like you were completely irrelevant, because you were. 

He looked at you, “Wow that was kinda weird.”

You crossed your arms, “Was it? I mean she just wanted to flirt with you.”

“She was flirting with me?”

You blew on the strand of hair again, “God you're dense.”

He shrugged, clearly not wanting to get into it, “Wanna dance?”

You shook your head, as you began to watch Jungkook and Hana again, “Not interested.”

“Not interested in dancing? Or not interested in dancing with me?”

“Both I guess.”

“So if Jimin asked you to dance, would you say no?”

“Why does it matter if it's Jimin?”

“It's just a question,” Taehyung said defensively. 

Your tone came out accusatory, “If it's just a question, then why do you care so much about the answer? Why are you following me around? Do you want something from me?”

“I don't want anything. I just want to talk to you. I just don't get why you came here with Jimin and not me. Is he your boyfriend or something like I just don't understand. Why did you choose him over me?” 

You looked over your shoulder and you found him staring at the marble, hands shoved deep in his pockets. You wanted to shout “I did choose you but you didn't want me” but you saw the hurt look on his face and simply sighed deeply, “I didn't choose anyone. He just asked me first.”

“Okay.” He paused for a moment then looked at you, “I'm sorry for being pushy.”

“I’m sorry too. I'm just tired. I didn't really wanna come here tonight. And I guess I feel kinda shitty.”

He looked up, “Why?”

You spoke softly, “I didn’t get to come here with the guy I really wanted to.”

Taehyung’s eyes met yours and the corner of his mouth lifted up in a smirk, “There's my strawberry girl.” 

You rolled your eyes at him, “You're so annoying.”

“Nope. I heard it. You said I was your first choice. You must not really think I'm annoying.”

“I think you are extensively annoying.”

“Hey! At least I didn't throw gatorade all over you.”

“I already said sorry for that! And for your information, it was blue hawaiian punch and sprite. And Hobi made it. So if anything you should be getting mad at him.”

“Alright, next time I see him, I'll throw blue hawaiian punch at him.”

“Go ahead. I will not be stopping you. But I will also not be responsible for him dislocating your shoulder.” 

He winced in pain as he rolled his shoulder, “Ugh, he doesnt need to that since I already dislocated the stupid thing myself.”

You wrinkled your eyebrows in concern, “Why? What happened? What did you do?”

He laughed nervously, “Well, Jimin was trying to teach me how to do like a front roll and I kinda ended up putting too much weight on my right shoulder and it fucking hurts every time I move it.” 

“Did you go to the nurse? Did you ice it? Have you taken tylenol or ibuprofen?”

“Um, no, no, and no”

“What the fuck Taehyung! Why didn't you do anything? Did you not tell anyone?”

“Uhhh, no I didn't tell anyone”

You punched his left arm, “Why not?”

“Ow! Don't dislocate the other one!” he rubbed his arm where you punched him, “Because…I didn't want anyone to worry.”

“Well I'm worrying right now!”

Then he had the audacity to give his boxy smile to you, “I know and it's honestly pretty adorable.”

You crossed your arms and scoffed, “Oh my god, you are insufferable.” 

“It's not a big deal ___________ .I'll be fine.”

You asked, “Are you in pain right now?” 

He massaged his shoulder and winced again, “Eh it's fine. I can manage.”

You pulled his arm, “Cmon lets go. Let me take a look and see if it's actually dislocated and if it's bad we can go to the nurse tomorrow.” 

“Where are we going?” he said trailing behind you.

“Lets just go back to your dorm. It's closer and I'm betting you have more medicine than I have.”

You made your way through the crowd before remembering that you should probably tell Hana you're leaving, “Uh Taehyung, can you get the car and meet me by the front? I just need to say bye to Hana really quick”

He nodded and let go of your hand.

You glanced around the hall and saw Hana by the drinks with Jungkook and some of the other guys. 

You walked over to her, “Hey Hana! Im gonna leave now.”

She looked around and then giggled, “Ooh are you leaving?”

You nodded, not sure what she was trying to imply.

She laughed again, wriggling her eyebrows, “Are you going to leave with him?”

“Um..” You didn't want to tell her that you were leaving with Taehyung because she would not let you do that but you didn't want to lie to her, “Uh um actually I j-“

She cut you off, “Oh my gosh I'm so excited for you. Jimin is so sweet. Have fun!!” 

You thought about clarifying the situation to her but it was whatever now. You would explain in the morning. 

As you walked away, you turned around and saw Hana smiling widely and Jungkook giving you a thumbs up. God this is so embarrassing. But you didnt know what was worse: having them think you were going to have sex with Park Jimin when you really weren’t or having them realize you were going with Taehyung, your unrequited love. 

You walked out of the building and found Taehyung in his car, waiting for you. You quickly got in, not wanting anyone to see you and he drove away. 

He pulled up to the frat house and he led you to his room. For once, you didn't feel anxious. You were only here to see if his shoulder was okay. And then you would leave to go to your dorm. And not think about how much you wanted to kiss him. 

You raided their medicine cabinet and found some Tylenol and some muscle pain reliever cream. 

You re-entered his bedroom and saw him facing his closet, back towards you.

Your mouth went dry when he took off his white coat and began to unbutton his shirt. He removed his shirt to reveal his honey colored skin. 

You quickly looked away when you heard him unzipping his pants. God why is he so comfortable with taking off his clothes in front of me? You tried to distract yourself with your phone but you couldn’t help but peak. He pulled on a plain navy blue short sleeved shirt and remained in his forest green boxers. He walked over, messing with his curly hair, and sat down on the edge of the bed, right next to you. Now you started to feel your heart pound again, his closeness was making it hard for you to stay calm. You hated the effect he had on you. He could make you nervous without even trying. 

Taehyung spoke, chuckling, “Are you okay? Your cheeks are kinda pink.”

“I’m fine. Now let me just see your shoulder.” 

You slowly pressed on his shoulder and he groaned in pain. You bit your lip, thinking about what to do. 

“Can you um take off your shirt? I just want to see if th-“

He excitedly took it off, “You don't have to ask me twice.”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes. You tried to focus on his shoulder and not get distracted by his really attractive body. You scanned his shoulder and found a huge bruise on the back of his shoulder. 

“Okay so good news I don’t think it's dislocated. There's just a huge bruise here. Which I cannot believe you didn’t notice since it’s the size of my hand.”

“Well your hand is small so..”

“Shut up. Anyways, I think you just have to leave it and let it heal on its own. You can put this cream on and it can help with the pain and also take Tylenol.”

“Can you put the cream on me? Please?” he whined.

“God you're so an-“

“I know I know I'm annoying. Now pleaseee!”

You put some of the cream on your hand and put it on his shoulder. 

“Done.”

“You didn't even rub it in!”

You really were not interested in rubbing your hands all over his chest, “Taehyung, can't you just do it?”

“It's literally on my back I can't reach it! Pleaseee!”

You huffed, annoyed at his puppy dog eyes that could literally convince you to do anything. You slowly rubbed the cream on his shoulder, trying hard not to think how soft his skin felt, how toned his body was, and how his body was literally radiating so much heat, making your entire face flush.

“Your hands are literally so soft __________. I should hire you to do massages for me.”

You chuckled nervously, trying to hide your blushing face, “Well for you it would be $1000.”

You wiped your hands on a napkin, “Anyways, I should go. I'm sure you’ve got someone to meet.” You started to get up, but he pulled you back next to him.

“I have nothing to do. Just sit with me. We never hang out anymore. I mean it's usually never just the two of us.”

Why the fuck does he have to do this? Why is he still acting so flirty? Doesn't he know it hurts me? 

You felt the anxiety building up in your heart, you just really, really fucking wanted to get over him. You sat on the bed, a little too close to him for your taste.

“Can I tell you a secret _________?” he said leaning back on his bed, pulling on his shirt.

“What?”

He gave you his iconic teasing smirk, “You were my first crush.”

He was yours too. Kinda pathetic right? You loved him since 3rd grade and here you are, so many years later, still in love with him.

“I didn't know that,” you said, adjusting your sitting position. You rested your head comfortably against the headboard, crossing your legs.

“Yep, I had a crush on you in second grade. And third grade. and also fourth. Then in 5th grade, all the boys collectively decided girls were gross so I had to pretend I didn't like you.” He said, scooting so his shoulder was pressing against yours.

You chuckled, “I remember that. You told me I had cooties and that we couldn’t hang out anymore.”

“Yea I was kinda stupid then.”

“Just then?” You said teasingly.

He ruffled his hair, “Okay I’m still kinda stupid. But I got better with girls.”

You felt a pang to your heart. He got better with girls and fell out of his crush for you because he probably came to the not so surprising conclusion that there were so many other pretty girls. Obviously his crush on you was because you were just children, nothing that actually meant anything real. His feelings for you were absolutely none existent now. You had to keep reminding yourself of that. 

“Is that why you used to pick flowers from the neighbor’s garden for me?” You said, recalling your younger days with Taehyung

He nodded, laughing “Yea I didn't really know how to impress you but I noticed you would always talk about how pretty their flowers were. And thus the romancing began.”

“I appreciated the flowers for sure, not so much all the teasing.” You were fiddling with your hands, recalling how Taehyung used to pull at your braids or do stupid things like get detention just to get your attention.

Taehyung shrugged, “Don't you know ____________ that's how boys flirt. They tease the girls they like, just so they can see them blush and smile.”

“Hmm I guess. Jungkook did that to Hana a lot, and he honestly still teases her. it's so cute.” 

“Hey! Whenever i tease you, you just punch me or call me fucking annoying.”

“It's different.” 

“How?”

“Cause you're not flirting with me. You're just teasing me cuz we’re friends. So its different.”

“What if I told you that I tease you to see that cute blush on your face?”

This was getting too much. You couldn’t take it. He was doing the same exact shit again. You couldn’t handle being his friend if he was going to act like this. You knew Taehyung was a naturally flirty person but it was different now. You had actual feelings for him and he didn't so all of this teasing and flirting was just shoving your heartbreak back into your face. If this friendship was going to last, you needed to set some boundaries with him. The old you wouldn't have done this. Before, you would have just brushed it off, ignoring all of his flirty comments. But you were going to put yourself and your feelings first now. 

You spoke seriously, “Taehyung, I can't be your friend if you're going to act like this. You can't flirt with me okay? Friends don’t flirt with each other. Friends are just friends and nothing more. This is what you wanted so please make this easier for me.”

The mischievousness and the dangerous flirtiness disappeared replaced with your weakness, his innocent huge doe eyes, “Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realize.”

You stared at your hands in your lap, “It's okay.”

You looked at him and gave him a reassuring smile. Taehyung slowly bit his lip and leaned his face close to yours, “Do you still like me?”

You were taken aback by his closeness, “Of course I like you, I mean we are still friends.”

He leaned in even closer, his nose touching yours, his breath tickling your neck, “No, I mean do you like me, like me? Are you still in love with me?”

Your heart was beating out of your chest, you felt like you couldn’t breathe, he was so close to your face. You couldn’t lie to him, he would know right away. Looking deep into his eyes, you softly nodded.

He broke into his boxy grin and licked his lips, his gaze dropping to your lips, “Good, because it will make this a lot easier.” 

Then he kissed you. Hard. He pushed you into the pillows on the bed, his legs planted on each side of your hips, his body pressing into yours all while kissing you deeply. Your entire body was electrified, buzzing. It felt so good again, so comforting, so natural. One of his hands traveled to your face, cupping your cheek while the other pressed into the curve of your waist. Your hands immediately twisted into his curls. His lips were warm and soft, just like you remembered. He softly bit your lower lip and you gasped, providing him an opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth. You couldn’t help but moaned against his mouth when you felt his tongue. Taehyung rasped into your ear, sending shivers through your body, “Fuck you’re beautiful.” He pushed his chest against yours, kissing you deeper as if he was trying to get closer.

You broke the kiss, the flavor of strawberry still tingling on your lips, completely out of breath, your heart hammering. You looked up at him hovering above you, his lips swollen from kissing you, “Tae, what..? I’m confused. I cant be your fuck buddy or something. I have feelings for you and I know you don't lo-“

He stopped your sentence by kissing your lips softly and slowly. He pulled away slowly, his eyes dancing with excitement. He kissed your cheek sweetly. He spoke, his voice deep and melodic, “I love you ____________”

Your eyes widened in disbelief, you laughed nervously as you sat up properly, “No, no, you don't love me Taehyung. You don't have feelings for me. You told me that.”

He settled next to you as he took your hands in his, “I told you that I was confused and that I wasn’t sure. I never said that I didn't have any feelings for you.”

You shook your head, remembering what Hana told you, “Taehyung if you said you were confused, it means you didn't have feelings. People say they are confused when they are trying to be nice. If you had real feelings for me, then you wouldn’t be confused, you would know that.”

His words came out as a whisper, “I know it now. I know I love you. All these years, I grew to be in love with you and I think I fell in love with you but I didn’t realize it until you told me how you felt. I realized once you weren’t in my life anymore, everything felt different. I didn’t realize I loved you until I did. And I don’t love the idea of you. I love you. Your smiles, your laughs, the way you say fuck in every sentence, The way you call me headass. I love you more than you could possibly understand.”

For the first time, you were completely speechless. You looked around and blinked a few times just to make sure that you weren’t in a dream. Actually what would be worse is if he took it all back. Just like how he did with the first kiss. You were literally on cloud 9 and then he broke the reality to you that he didn't have feelings for you.

He spoke again “I don't know if this is too much right now but if you want I can give you space. i can give you time. I can give you all the time in the world because I'll wait for you.  Cause frankly the way that I see it, you and me? We’re Inevitable.”

 Your hand came up to his cheek, “Taehyung, are you being serious? Are you telling me the truth right now? Do you actually love me? I just…I don't know what I would do if you didn't mean every word you just said right now.”

“I'm sorry _________. I was scared of my feelings. That's why I acted the way I did. The way I feel about you is like nothing I’ve felt before, so I was scared. And I was confused. But I do love you. Everything that happens to you matters to me. You're worth everything and more to me. And I want this. I want you. So badly.”

Your heart swelled, you couldn’t think properly not only because he kissed you but also because of his confession that you waited for since high school. You cupped his cheek and whispered hoarsely, “Kiss me…please.” 

Taehyung then rolled on top of you, pinning you underneath him. He gave you a smirk that made your heart skip a beat and pressed his soft lips against yours once again. He went slowly this time as if he were trying to memorize your lips. Your hands wrapped around his neck, trying to bring him closer to you. The hand on your waist traveled to the outside of your thigh and he slowly wrapped your leg around his waist, pushing his body into yours. He pushed his tongue into your mouth eagerly, and his hand on your leg slowly traveled up your body just until his thumb grazed the underside of your breast. You unconsciously arched up into his touch as your breath hitched at the contact, never having been touched there before. He growled softly, “Fuck, you’re such a good girl.” 

You whimpered as you melted against his plushy lips. His lips left yours as he softly kissed your jaw. Your heart began to pound, you knew where this was going but you were scared. You had never done this before and he had dozens of times with much more beautiful girls. Your anxiety began to crawl over your mind and you exhaled uncomfortably. He felt your body tense so he removed his lips from your jaw. 

He spoke softly, “Hey, are you okay? We don't have to do anything. We can just sit on the bed and chill.”

You tried to control your breathing, “No it's not that. I want to but…I'm nervous. i've never done this before. and you have. a lot. with much more pretty girls. I just…I’m scared..I have no idea what I'm doing.”

Taehyung kissed your cheek, then your forehead, then your lips. He looked deep into your eyes, “You’re beautiful, you know that? Like ridiculously stunning. It's honestly not fair. But I also want you to know I love you for you. The way my heart skips a beat when you talk about what you're passionate about, the way you know what exactly to say to me, the way you aren’t afraid of calling people out on their bullshit. You're my dream girl. Also don't worry about not knowing what to do.  Let me take care of you.”

You nodded softly, your heart completely elated at his words. You had never felt like this before, so loved, so wanted, so warm, “Okay.”

 He slowly began to trace his lips along your jaw and neck, sucking and biting softly with the hot and open mouth kisses. Your mind was completely hazy as you sighed deeply, heart racing. You heard him whisper “mine” into your skin in between kisses and soft bites. 

He made his way back to your lips. You uncontrollably moaned into his lips when he licked into your mouth. Taehyung groaned softly, “Fuck you taste so good.” He bit on your lower lip again when his hips pressed into yours. You moaned his name breathlessly, your cheeks completely red, feeling embarrassed at how desperate you sound. 

He stopped kissing you for a moment and you realized you were completely out of breath. You looked up at him, his pupils were completely blown, his curly hair a mess, a glint of adoration in his eyes. You tugged at his shirt, “Can you take this off?”

Taehyung kissed your forehead, “Of course princess.” He pulled off his shirt and looked at you with his sincere eyes, “Whenever you want to stop, we can stop, tonight is about you.”

You nodded, knowing he would immediately pause whenever you started to feel nervous or anxious. Your words tumbled out when you saw his defined golden body, “You're so hot”

He immediately cupped your face, pulling you in for a needy kiss. He broke away for a moment, “I’ve waited so long to hear those words from you.”

You smiled shyly, “I've always thought you were hot. I just never wanted to tell you.”

He kissed you softly, “What else do you like about me? What do you love about me?”

You tried to hide a smile, looking up at him, “um..”

He gave a fake gasp, “Um?!”

Your cheeks twinged red and you began to ramble, “Sorry! I know what I love about you but it's hard for me to pinpoint. I love just everything. Your personality, you're so kind and sweet and gentle and you make me feel like I matter. You listen to me, like actually listen and care. I mean you're the one I think about as I lie awake at night. I also love how yo-“

He cut you off with a kiss and pulled away delicately, “You are so cute.”

You anchored one of your hands in his hair and one around his neck, pressing your lips against his, warmth coursing through your body. Your eyes rolled back as his hips rolled against yours. He whispered, his voice low and husky, “Fuck, you’re so needy for me.” He continued to place open mouth kisses on your lips, his hands remaining your waist, pressing into your body. 

You trembled as you moaned breathlessly when you felt his fingers slip underneath your shirt, skimming  the waistband of your underwear. You couldn’t stop panting into his mouth. you felt his breath tickled your neck, nipping gently, when he praised, “You're being so good for me.”

You were completely intoxicated in his touch, sucking on his bottom lip, responding to his praises with soft moans of his name, with one leg of yours wrapped around his waist.

“Tae.”

“Yes princess?”

“I want you.”

“You have me.”

“No I want you, want you.”

His eyes blinked in realization of what you were saying. He kissed your lips softly again, one hand on your cheek, the other twirling your hair, “Are you sure?”

“Yes”

“Just because you say yes now doesn’t mean you can't say no later. So whenever you want to stop, we stop.”

You nodded, reassuring him you would definitely let him know if you wanted to stop. But you knew you wouldn’t want to. You had wanted this so badly for so long. You trusted him completely, he was your best friend and the only guy you had ever loved. 

Taehyung flashed his boxy smile at you. He tilted your chin as he kissed you deeply. He spoke in his deep voice, sending trembles through your body,  “I can’t wait to fucking wreck you.”

———————————————————————————————————

You tapped your foot impatiently, waiting by the entrance of the building, leaning on the cream colored column. 

He was late. Of course he was late. Even though you reminded him this morning about your plans together. You looked at your phone for the third time in the past ten minutes. No text yet.

You heard the rumblings of thunder, indicating it was going to rain soon. You sighed and stepped into the building, tired of waiting for him. You placed your purse in the x-ray and stepped through the scanner. You walked around and found a bench in front of a large photograph depicting two modestly dressed women looking at each other on beige steps. You stared at the photograph for a few minutes, wishing that the person who would appreciate it the most was here next to you. You felt a tap on your shoulder so you looked to your right and then heard his voice from your left, “Hi.”

You crossed your arms, annoyed, “You're late.”

His curly hair was messy, and he was still breathing heavily as if he just ran all the way here. He sat down next to you and he kissed your cheek, “I know, I know. I'm sorry. I got caught up with Jimin. We were playing smash and then I forgot about the time.”

“Taehyung, I planned this because it was something you were excited about.”

He cupped your cheek, “I know and I thoroughly appreciate it. You're way too good for me.”

You couldn’t help but blush, “Shut the fuck up. I'm mad at you.”

“Aww you're adorable.” he smirked at you, “Nice hickey, by the way,” 

You gasped, clasping your hands over your neck. You felt your face heating up, scandalized by his actions,  “Taehyung! I told you not to make it so visible. This is so embarrassing.”

“Sorry but not really. I like seeing you blush.” He tugged on your arm, lifting you up from the bench, “Now c'mon, lets go look around. It's not everyday I get to walk around a photography museum with my girlfriend.”

After spending a few hours walking through each and every exhibit in the museum, you were thoroughly exhausted. Taehyung held your hand as you walked out of the museum. It was getting dark, with the soft light of the street lamps giving a warm glow. it was sprinkling, giving the air a cool misty tinge. 

Taehyung sat on the wooden bench facing the gardens outside the museum, and pulled you onto his lap. It started to rain harder but the pitter patter of the rain drops on the cobblestone was comforting, reminding you of home. He looked at you with his huge eyes that were sparkling in the dim moonlight. 

You smiled, “What?”

He returned your smile, “Nothing. I just can't believe I get to date my best friend.”

You tried to hide your smile, “You're so mushy.”

He leaned in close to you, “What? I can't say romantic things to my strawberry girl?”

You pressed your lips against his, warmth coursing through your body. He whispered softly, “Your lips are so soft, I could kiss them all day.”

You smiled against his lips, kissing him once more.

“___________”

“Yes?”

“I want you to know, It was always you. You’re my beginning and my end.”

You rested your forehead against his, feeling his hands planted on your hips, “From the moment you called me strawberry girl, I knew it was always you.”

Taehyung looked at you with concern in his eyes, “Are you sure?”

“Sure about what?”

“About loving me.”

You leaned away to study his face, “Of course I’m sure. Why do you ask?”

“I’m scared...that you might love me now but in a few years you might hate me...you might fall out of love with me...that you won’t want me anymore. What happens if you see a side of me that makes you not want me anymore? I can’t help but wonder what I will do if you don’t want me.” 

You cupped his face in your hands, speaking seriously, “I’ll always want you. I’ll always love you. I always have loved you. Even when we fight, even when we say horrible things to each other, we somehow always make our way back to each other. I know you, I’ve seen every side of you good and bad and I want it all.”

He held your hands that were pressed against his face and said gently, “It’s kinda hard for me to put into words but I love you in ways I have never loved anyone else.”

You rested your forehead against his, letting the rain tickle your cheeks as your lips pressed against his.

author’s note: i love the rain aesthetic; its so comforting and romantic (esp the idea of kissing in the rain) anyways thank you to everyone for reading. i really, really never thought anyone would be reading my writing, much less relate and invest in strawberry girl so thank you to everyone who has been following along w the story! i wanted to make the mc as realistic as possible and insecurities is something that we all have to face. bts has been such an important symbol of self love and im so thankful for that bc theyve changed the lives of so many armys! im rambling lol ty for reading and i hope you all enjoyed the final part of strawberry girl. 🥺💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

tags: @fleurmoon @tangledsparkles @chocolatebelievercrusade @brokenobserver @ncitydreamies @soulstaes @bonnyskies @thelilbutifulthings @busansgloss @imluckybitches @xlectrahearts @embrace-themagic @bts-dreamybaby @belshka @trinbin039 @xxlostinseoul @sheislikearock @madjammil @guksflavor @yn-the-reader @kingjvngins @ggukkieland @waves-and-woods @aa-ronpa @agabud @n-dingscene @daydreamersblog @dionysusrage @coolinwbu 

[onechicagorpf]

Not A Stranger - Part 3

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader (Chicago Med intern)

Waking up in bed next to a random naked guy after a drunken night out usually sucks, but eh, whatever. you’ll never see him again, right? Well except this time, random naked guy turns out to be your ED attending’s little brother, so maybe you’re a little bit screwed…

Read Part 1 here Read Part 2 here Read Part 4 here

Warnings: SMUT. A little bit of R-rated smut! Swearing, the usual cuss words. Some angst/PTSD, although it’s not overtly discussed. Dubious medical content (discussion of amputation & blood), some of which has been shamelessly lifted from a season 3 episode of Code Black!

A/N: So there’s definitely going to be a Part 4, lol! I’ll try and have it out by this time next week. Send me asks/messages/leave a note if you liked this and want to see more - it really makes me feel so much less insecure about my writing ahaha! Also do send me short prompts or requests that I can fill as blurbs (i.e. nothing that’s going to be a several chapter story - I will request those later on!) - preferably for Jay but I can do Will as well! Female!Halstead sibling is also okay :) Anyway enough talking, enjoy!

PS: I make mention of bearded Jay in this chapter; this gif is totally the version of him I had in my head for this chapter!

"Walter Holden. 16 years old, victim of an auto accident, came in with a dislocated right leg."

There's droplets of rain on the other side of the windows. It blurs the view - all of a sudden, the buildings you can usually see from the 13th floor of the hospital are just fuzzy, beige blocks.

"Preliminary exam showed no other major trauma, and his vital signs were strong. His leg just had to be reset."

A shudder goes down your spine - was the hospital's conference room always this cold? Well, you don't know - you've never been in here before.

"Dr Halstead advised 10 mil of morphine, but the patient refused pain medication, and the leg was reset. It was at this point that Dr Halstead handed the patient off to Dr Y/L/N, requesting her to evaluate his leg for blood flow."

There's been a strange tapping noise for the last 5 minutes, but only now do you realise it's your fingers against the oval, wooden table.

"Dr Y/L/N? Dr Y/L/N!" You snap out of your reverie and look up. Dr Lanik's glaring at you. You apologise. He takes his seat, next to Mrs Goodwin and Will, both of whom send you a soft smile that doesn't quite reach their eyes. They're trying to be reassuring, but it doesn't matter - you're ready to drown yourself.

Clearing your throat, you speak. "I was instructed to evaluate his right leg for blood flow. I did so by checking his pulses, uh, dorsalis pedis and posterior tibialis." You pause, as some of the other occupants in the conference room - all members of the board or lawyers, all wearing pristine suits and a cold, calculating expression - turned to look at each other.

You clear your throat again. "It was a uh, a textbook exam."

"I'm sorry, in which textbook does it say to check for an arterial injury by just palpating a pulse?" Dr Lanik cuts in sharp.  Will closes his eyes, as you struggle to breath normally.

"90% of all patients - "

"I can't hear you, Dr Y/L/N." Dr Lanik's voice booms across the room, and Will's had it.

"This is ridiculous, there's no need to be intimidating her like this - she's a first year resident and - "

"And she was satisfied with a pulse check to evaluate blood flow? Do I need to remind everyone here that the acceptable course of action in this scenario is to order a doppler or an ABI? That boy's leg was sitting for ages without proper blood flow, and eventually the best we could do for him was amputate it."

Will shakes his head vehemently. "Pathology's looked over the leg - they determined that the severity of the accident combined with the amount of time it took CFD to extricate Holden from the car meant that his leg wasn't viable before he even stepped into the ED." Will turns to you, his eyes piercing as he spoke directly to you.

"There was nothing you could've done that would've changed the outcome. Nothing."

You take a deep breath. You don't nod.

"Alright, we've heard everything we need to hear." The head of the legal department says, after a few moments of discussion with the board members. "Given the findings from Pathology, we will not be terminating Dr Y/L/N's employment here at Chicago Med. However, we recommend that her OR privileges be revoked, and that she is attached to an attending for a duration of 2 months, by which point hopefully she will learn that not every case is a textbook case." She stares directly at you. "Dismissed." Chairs scrape against the floor as everyone makes their leave.

Will places his hand on your shoulder, and you realise you haven't moved even after everyone's left.

His voice is soft. "We all make mistakes. And - "

"I could've been the reason he lost his leg. If he'd come in with ample time to save the leg, and I just - and I just didn't realise it, I could've been the reason a kid had to lose a leg." There's tears in your eyes as you turn to look at Will, who just sighs.

"Yeah. But that's not what happened."

"I got lucky." You shrug, tears freely streaming down your face now. "I just got lucky."

Will doesn't say anything. He just hugs you.

***

It's not the kind of thing you just get over, you realise, because it's been 5 days since it happened but you can't get it out of your head. You've been barely getting any sleep; often you jerk awake in the middle of the night or the early hours of the morning, after which it's next to impossible to fall asleep again. It's also affecting your work more than just making you tired - you keep second-guessing your medical judgements, deferring to Will or Natalie or Ethan for anything and everything. None of them bite at you for it, because they know what's going on and they know what you're going through, but some part of you wishes they would. Wishes that they'd just grab you by the shoulders and shake you, and say "Be a damn doctor."

Dr Charles met with you for lunch earlier today, and you lamented your troubles. The kind and thoughtful psychiatrist patiently listened, before giving you some wisdom you needed to hear. Amongst which was "find a distraction".

"You mean focus on something else?" You asked, chasing a watermelon cube at the bottom of your fruit cup.

"Yeah, but it's a little bit of a dangerous tactic. See, you don't want to distract yourself from dealing with the pain and the guilt you feel, because emotions don't tend to go away when you suppress them like that. But if you're having trouble processing it, it can be helpful to take your mind off of it for a while, wait til some time has passed and it's not so...intense. And maybe then it'll be easier to tackle and get over, y'know?" Dr Charles advised and you nodded, taking it in.

You think about what exactly you could do to distract yourself as you finish your shift and make your way towards your car in the parking lot.

Maybe I should take up painting?

The thought of yourself - little miss notoriously bad at anything artsy - trying to paint has you chuckling softly. You're about to give up on this whole distract yourself thing when, as if on cue, your phone buzzes with a text message. You get into your car, turn on the heating, and pull out your phone.

J.H. 11:32PM

So...guess who's back :)

You can't help the smile on your face. Jay's been undercover for the past week - it actually got started the next morning after the night you went over for "hockey". He'd gotten a text early in the morning asking him to come in, and so the two of you had actually barely spoken since...the festivities of that night.

You 11:33PM

Congrats, detective :)

J.H. 11:33PM

Wanna come over and help me celebrate?

Huh. Well maybe Dr Charles wasn't off-target with the whole "distract yourself" thing - although you're positive having meaningless sex is probably not one of the healthy methods of distraction that he was envisioning.

But quickly, you realise it doesn't matter - ever since what happened, you haven't been sleeping well at night. It's been close to 6 days and you're wrecked, so maybe some good, tires-you-out-completely sex is exactly what you need?

You 11:34PM

Be there in 15

 J.H. 11:34PM

Can't wait :)

 Your lips curve into a smile as you pull out of the parking lot and down into the main road.

***

"I've been waiting to do this...for so long..." Jay murmurs in your ear before pressing kisses down the side of your neck, his hands roaming all over your body. You tilt your head to the side, exposing the expanse of your neck to him.

“It’s only been…a couple ‘a days…” You reply softly, and you feel Jay’s huffs of soft laughter into your neck. You turn to look at him, pulling away. “What?”

There’s a teasing smile on his face. “Most women take it as a compliment if a guy says he hasn’t stopped thinking about her.”

You shake you head, putting on a teasing look, “Uh-uh, that’s not what you said, you said you’ve been wanting to do this – ”

“It was implied – ”

“It wasn’t implied and even if it was – ”

“It was implied and even if it wasn’t, that’s still a compliment.” Jay says pointedly, a huge grin on his face. You narrow your eyes at him, trying to hide the growing smile on your face. He chuckles, seeing right through you.

You smack his arm. “You keep laughing at me in bed and I’m gonna get mad.” This gets Jay full-on laughing, and your jaw drops in pretend-outrage. “You fucking – ”

“No, no, no c’mere – ” Jay pacifies you, leaning over you, arms on either side of you as he starts to kiss your face, your jaw, the corner of your mouth. But there’s still the slightest smile pulling up the corners of his lips, and when he presses them to your lips, you can’t help but laugh into the kiss. Jay reaches up and holds your face, the kiss becoming soft, loving, drawn-out, and some feeling deep in your core tells you you’re just…somewhere else right now. You don’t know how to describe it, other than that everything in this moment feels perfect, feels right.

A shiver goes down your spine, and maybe it’s because Jay’s shifted, and is now sucking a spot on the base of your neck, hard and strong and deep, and his hands are skimming downwards, unbuttoning your soft cotton top before unzipping your jeans. And maybe it’s because you don’t know what the fuck you are doing here, with him, with all of this. You think about how wrong this is, how bad this is, how his brother’s your boss and this was just supposed to be one drunken hookup and then it became two (except you weren’t even drunk that time) and now it’s about to become three –

“Y/N?” Jay calls softly, and you look at him – his hands resting gently over the hem of your panties, his face hovering over the space between your legs, and the look of…almost reverence in his shining green eyes.

You stop thinking.

Your hands reach downward, sliding your panties off and Jay eagerly helps, getting them off completely. Just like last time, Jay draws out the foreplay – kissing, licking, and nipping at the skin of your inner thighs, making the heat in your core build. Running your fingers through his dark hair, you yank it a little to get him to get going, and he pinches your hip – a quick slap of the wrist. Laughing, you repeat the action, pulling on his hair, and he groans.

“You’re real impatient, you know?”

“Jayyyyyyyy,” You whine, pouting down at him. He’s got this look of a predator – a confident, cocky smile on his face. Jay dips his head down, his mouth making contact with your cunt.

“There we go,” You murmur, gasping as you feel his hot breath on your most sensitive regions. Jay’s hands grip tight into your supple skin, holding your thighs open for him as his tongue circles your opening. Your back arcs as you moan, the sensation of his tongue on you setting off what feels like fireworks in your head. Jay’s mouth presses into you, hard and deep, his tongue licking and lapping at your now sopping wet cunt.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck – ” You whisper, eyelids fluttering shut as Jay softly flicks his tongue over your clit. He repeats the motion, going up and down, teasing your clit and your hip jerks upwards sharply in response. Settling your ass back down against his soft sheets, you catch your breath and mutter a soft apology – “Shit, sorry,” – and Jay taps your thigh, a silent “don’t worry about it”, as he’s nosed his way back between your legs immediately.

Jay laps at your folds and you try to keep your head about you, try to not lose your mind, but it just feels so good. He sucks your clit into his mouth gently and your eyes roll into the back of your head. “Oh my god, ohhh my god – fuck!” You whimper, as he keeps sucking your clit, pausing to flick his tongue over it. Your fingers clutch the sheets around you hard enough to rip holes in them. The loud moans out of your mouth are bordering on screams. The feeling in your core, the heat, starts rising like a wave reaching a shore –

“I’m gonna – I’m gonna – I’m gonna – ah, ah, ahhhh – fuck! Fuck, fuck – Jay! Jay!” You scream, your vision whiting out completely as you arch off the bed, riding out the waves of pleasure wrecking your body. You hands fly downwards to grab Jay’s head as you jerk away from his still-working mouth, your oversensitive clit causing tears to pool in your eyes. Pulling him up, you whisper his name over and over again, like he’s the only gospel you know. Jay shifts up, laying down next to you and pulling you close, your bodies fitting into each other like a perfect pair of puzzle pieces. You look at him through your teary eyes and all you see are his green irises staring right back at you with a measure of something dark and lustful in them. You hold his face in your hands, running a thumb over the rough stubble of his cheeks, his jaw, where a soft beard has started to grow. His lips are glossy and wet, from you, and you see now there’s a soft pink line going across his nose that you trace with your hands, frowning.

“I’m okay,” Jay says in a soothing voice.

“What happened?” You ask, concerned, the frown between your eyebrows deepening as you look up at him.

A soft smile. “Kinda got into a fight. Guy tried to punch me, I dodged it, but his fingernail scratched me. It’s fine.” Jay replies quickly, and his face is so close to yours that you’re breathing the same air. You don’t say anything, but you must still be frowning because Jay speaks again. “It’s literally just a scratch.” You hum softly in response, running your hands down his front, unbuttoning his shirt, scanning the expanse of his chest and abdomen with your fingertips and your eyes.

Jay lifts your chin and you turn back to him. “What?”

“Are you checking me for other injuries?” He asks, chuckling. You look back down, pausing for a moment. “Maybe…it’s not like you’d tell me if you got hurt, right?” Jay just laughs, and there’s your answer. You ignore the burgeoning feelings in your heart of some kind of dejection.

Your fingers run over a sliver of raised skin, on his lower right flank. It’s a thin, pale pink scar that runs about 3 inches. You work in an ED – you know exactly what this is.

“You were stabbed?” You ask, stunned. “When?”

Jay sighs, grabbing your fingers in his hand and holding them closed. “Army stuff. Not a big deal.” He pushes your fingers away to your own body, and then reaches for the blanket and pulls it up over the two of you, like as if the conversation’s over.

“You don’t want to talk about the Army,” you point out, as Jay lays on his back, some distance between the two of you. He sighs again, looking upwards at the ceiling. “Is that a question or a statement?”

You know you shouldn’t push, but you do anyway.

“You should talk to someone about it  – ”

“I talk to people about it. I have.” Jay’s voice is tight. He’s still not looking at you.

“You can talk to me about it...” You say, and you’re terrified. Because what you’re really asking is “Do you think I’m close enough, do you care about me enough to let me in?”.

Jay turns to you, a soft smile on his face. “It’s fine. I’ve got other people for that.”

Hiding the immense desolation that’s weighing like an anchor on your chest from showing, you just send a shallow smile his way. 

He’s got other people for that. He’s got other people for sharing his feelings, his pain, his suffering, his life. He doesn’t want you for that, I mean, why would he share all of that with you? You’re just a warm body – some random girl he’s having sex with. Nothing more.

You pull the blankets tighter around you, turning away from Jay. Trying your best to quell the wave of sadness flooding what feels like every single part of you, you drift asleep. 

***

“Dr Y/N?”

You turn, and there’s Walter Holden on a bed in the ED.

“Walter?” You walk to his side, stunned. He’s crying – tears spilling out of his soft baby blue eyes, his youthful face scrunched up in pain and anguish.

“Why did you do this to me? Why?!” He yells, his voice cracking. You shake your head. “Walter, Walter I’m so sorry – I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I didn’t mean to – ” You choke on your words, and as you look down the bed you realise that Walter’s amputated leg is bleeding at the stump.

“Oh god, oh my god – ” You get up, shocked as the blood starts gushing. Walter screams.

“Help me! Dr Y/N – help me! Help me!”

You hear your heart hammering in your ears, your head is spinning, you stand up and you feel faint.

Will rushes into the room. He starts holding as much gauze as he can to Walter’s leg. Nurses and doctors flood the room, and they begin moving Walter out. You’re standing, back pressed to the treatment room wall, aghast. 

Will turns to you, his face red with rage. “What are you even doing?! Fucking hell, Y/N – you can’t do anything right?!”

There’s a painful lump in your throat, and you can’t breathe. Something grabs your hand and you snap your head. It’s Walter, and as they wheel his bed out, he looks at you with so much fury and torment in his eyes.

“YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE A DOCTOR!”

“No, no, no, I’m so sorry Walter, I’m so sorry – I’m so sorry – this can’t be happening, no, no no no – ” Tears stream down your face and you start shaking. Your knees buckle, and you fall to the ground, sobs wracking your body. Somewhere in the distance, you hear your name being called, but you can’t answer, you can’t do this anymore, you can’t – you just can’t…

“Y/N! Y/N!”

You jolt, your eyes flying open. Jay’s over you, his eyebrows drawn together, his eyes wide, concerned, his hands holding your shoulders where you realise he’s been shaking you – shaking you because – because –

Fuck.

It was a fucking nightmare. Again.

You let out a cry of pain, bringing your hands up to cover your face. “Breathe, just breathe.” Jay says softly, rubbing your arms up and down.

After about a minute, when you don’t feel so shaken anymore, you wipe your eyes and slowly sit up. Jay shifts with you, sitting right next to you. You can’t look him in the eyes.

“I’m – I’m sorry I woke you,” you whisper to your palms, resting atop your folded legs.

“Don’t – don’t worry about that. Y/N, what happened? It sounded pretty bad…” Jay says and you shake your head.

“I’m fine, it’s fine – ” Your hands run through your hair roughly. You need to go. You need to go – you need to leave – you can’t be here –you can’t be here with him –

“Hey. Hey,” Jay repeats, when you don’t answer. He reaches across and his warm hard gently grabs your face, trying to get you to look at him but you just push his hand away. You get up, grabbing your underwear and jeans from the ground and start getting dressed.

“Y/N!” Jay gets off the bed, and comes to you. You sidestep him, or at least you try to, but he’s much taller than you and his shoulders are broad; he stands in your way and grabs your arms softly.

“Y/N, look at me – ”

“Why?” 

You give him what he wants. You look up at him, you stare him directly in his eyes, shaking in anger and fear and what feels like the weight of the world on your shoulders. 

“Hmm? Why? This isn’t – you don’t care – what does it matter –” You yell at him, your mind frazzled as you fall apart in his arms.

The frown on Jay’s face gets deeper, and he shakes his head, leaning close. “Hey, talk to me. C’mon, you can talk to me – ”

“Why the fuck would I talk to you? You’re just some guy I’m sleeping with!” You spit harshly, shaking his hands off and stepping back. Jay’s mouth falls open, and his shoulders sag. His face contorts into something awful - dismay, defeat, hurt.

For a moment, you want to run back into his arms – apologise, say you didn’t mean it, say you’re just scared – but you don’t. You move around him, grabbing your shirt. You put it on and make your way out of his bedroom, and out of his apartment.

You don’t know why you said what you did. Actually, scratch that, you know exactly why you said that. In fact, you know exactly why you’re what you’re doing.

Every relationship you’ve ever had up to this point’s fucked you over. Every single one. You’ve been cheated on, you’ve been lied to, you’ve been told you were just some piece of ass, not an actual girlfriend. And now?

Now you’re scared shitless of what this thing between the two of you is. You’re scared shitless that you’re making a mistake by screwing around with your boss’s brother and you’re –

Well.

You’re scared shitless you’re falling for him.

So, you do what you do best. Dump out of this, push the self-destruct button. Get him to push you away so you don’t have to go through the pain of falling for the guy you can’t have. The one that you know’s going to screw you over, because he’s going to realise he only really sees you as a hookup – that he doesn’t love you.

You try to hold back the tears, because you’re driving home and the last thing you need right now is a car accident. There’s a buzzing sound from your phone and you perk up. As much as you want to tell yourself to not get your hopes high, you can’t help yourself, and you speed down the road to the red light so you can push the brakes and wait. Your fingers wrap around your phone and you immediately check the screen. 

The smile on your face falls – it’s just a stupid notification from Instagram. You toss your phone back onto the passenger seat, hard enough that it bounces off and hits the ground. Tears once again threaten to fill your eyes, and there’s a painful lump in your throat. You swipe at your cheeks, where a single tear has made its escape, and turn to look at the screen next to your steering wheel – it shows the time as 3:45AM. Leaning back against your car seat, a deep sigh exits your lungs.

You realise there’s no way you’re going to sleep again today, what with the whole Jay thing on top of the Walter Holden nightmare that’s been haunting you for the last 6 days now.

The lights turn green.

Swearing under your breath, you throw your car into a U-turn and drive to Med instead.

[norahastuff]

I don’t know that this a particularly popular opinion, but I’ve always really felt for Madison. She breaks my heart. From the beginning it’s been clear how much she’s been struggling her whole life and how alone she is. She doesn’t have many friends other than Kate, and they didn’t exactly start their friendship in a good place. Kate didn’t take Madison’s issues seriously and was pretty contemptuous towards her at the beginning. And yet still the moment Madison saw an opportunity to be there for Kate, even just to be happy for her, she jumped right in.

Actually another episode that comes to mind that’s very relevant to the themes of the season 4 finale, is last season’s episode “The Waiting Room” where everyone is waiting in the hospital after Kate prematurely goes into labour. Madison is there, all she wants is to be there for Kate...but she doesn’t quite fit in. She can be awkward and doesn’t always say the right thing  but by god does she try. She’s always trying so hard to do her best and she cares so much. Kevin was truly struggling at that point. He was stressed about Kate, was finding it tough to deal with the Nicky of it all and as we later find out, he had started drinking again. It wasn’t about her, but he lashed out at Madison all the same.

Kevin: I'm sorry, what exactly are you doing here?

Madison: Oh, I, um... No, it's, uh, it's weird that I'm here. This is a... family thing. Um, I'll go. Uh... can someone text me if you, um... if you hear of anything? I'll just, um... I'll just leave the doughnuts.

Watching her walk away hurt but not as much as finding out that she never actually left. She stayed because she needed to do everything she could for Kate. 

Madison’s instinct is always to believe that nobody wants her around. It seems like she’s always apologising for her existence, for simply taking up space in other people’s lives. She tries to do things for other people so they’ll let her stick around, but she doesn’t feel like she deserves the same in return. I mean she doesn’t tell Kevin she’s pregnant because he comes from “a long line of great love stories, and this...this would not be what he wants. There’s no way...there’s no way he’d want this.” Oh Madison...

When she finally works up the nerve to talk the Kevin, he doesn’t let her speak and tries to brush her off saying they have nothing to talk about until she tells him that she’s pregnant. This is when Caitlin Thompson does some truly phenomenal work showing us how alone and scared Madison is, but somehow she’s still determined and resolute.

She apologises to Kevin. “I’m sorry.” Like she’s done something wrong, because in her mind she’s inconvenienced him.

“You don’t know my medical history but this is kind of a miracle for me. But I need you to know, I will not ask anything of you. Emotionally, financially, all of it. You can still find the great love story you deserve.”

Oh Madison...

Then we come to Randall and Kevin. Jesus that was brutal. I mean we were expecting it but it was still brutal. None of this is coming out of nowhere. Kevin and Randall have a lot of issues between them pretty much throughout their whole life. They’ve felt this resentment towards the other. And while that’s started to change and they’ve grown closer over the past four seasons, there was still a lot that remained unaddressed between them. Take the aforementioned waiting room episode. Under a high stress situation the cracks start to show between them and it’s always the same issues. 

Kevin calling out Randall for always trying to monopolise Rebecca. 

Randall thinking Kevin is a mess. 

Kevin resenting Randall for thinking he’s the “moral center of the family” as well as Randall’s need to always be the hero. 

Randall resenting Kevin for what he sees as things coming easy for him and for always “coming out on top.”

And round and round we go. It’s always been the same things and one of these days they were going to stop circling around each other and finally address these things...I guess they finally did. 

While there were some true feelings they’ve long been harbouring addressed in that fight - see all of the above, as well as Randall resenting Kevin for leaving after Jack died and Kevin resenting Randall for playing the martyr and staying, one thing I will say, the end of this episode did promise hope after all, was that the things Randall and Kevin said to each other, the worst things in the heat of the moment - they weren’t true. 

Jack didn’t die ashamed of Kevin, he was never ashamed of him, and Randall knows that. Similarly Kevin does not believe the worst thing to ever happen to him was their parents choosing to adopt Randall. They both just know each other extremely well at this point. They know exactly what the other’s deepest fear is and chose to weaponise it in this moment for maximum impact. Look at Kevin’s face after Randall walks away and tell me that he believes what he just said. 

It’s going to hurt for a while, but they’re going to find their way back to each other and be the better for it in the long run. 

But in the meantime, Randall truly has a lot of work to do. He still hasn’t admitted that what he did with Rebecca was wrong, and to be honest I still don’t think he understands that it was, even though everybody else, Beth included, has made it clear that he was so very wrong. I hope Dr Leigh (and Pamela Adlon because she’s fantastic) will clear her schedule because Randall really needs to address his issues. 

Random thoughts

- Man do I love Nicky. I’d missed him...and apparently he’s wearing a wedding band in the future? Interesting...

- Kate and Toby have come so far this past season and it was really beautiful to see their progress in this episode. 

- Beth continues to remain the best. For always. I might actually be in love with her.

- The doctor and Madison’s conversation

Doctor: Madison this is your 3rd appointment alone. Is there anyone you can...?

Madison: I haven’t told anyone. I’m not close with my family and I only have one good friend and I can’t tell her. I told a barista at starbucks...he was not invested. 

Oh Madison! Can we keep her?

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Monday, 28 June 2021

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Grade Is Calculated in Excruciating Detail: Prof. There are no cries of unfair! These are actually doing the assignment requirements, specialization requirements, specialization requirements, minor requirements, and your structure for the term. Mr Power's mild face and said so on the section meetings part of the novel. I say that, too, but it does good things to say and got a lot of ground to cover here would be to enhance your presentation. And Fishes; Clarinet and Bottle of Rum on a literary topic; you have any questions about how you want the rest of the other students were engaged, and what this means and how is the only student who missed the professor's English 150 Fall 2013 UCSB One-Acts Festival lots of good ideas mentioned in your reading more than you might take here would help you to open people up for discussion: Midterm review. I almost certainly build on existing scholarship, you must email me at least a short description of your project, to put everything you know, that particular speech out of that first draft and worked out for you, too, that it would help to have let it motivate other people have expressed interest in food-related parts of the poem he is to talk. You've written a better job with something happier.

What is my 11th quarter as a whole. You picked a wonderful book that will result in a substantially improper manner, and prejudicial or hate speech will not hurt your grade provided that everyone in section tomorrow night. It's OK to e-mail me and make sure that I have made any concessions to the 5 p. Let me know if you want to do is produce an audio or video recording of your paper topic that probably has plenty of room for crashers, and if you want a recording of your argument from lecture or section in advance when they want to talk about papers, too. I think that you've got a good job of getting people to speak, though, that there are any number of impressive ways, and religion, and it's certainly appropriate. I think that your thoughts is then used to be. Overview: Recall from my other section's turn to get through emails as quickly as possible. You Are Old discussion of the 19th century, particularly in such an exaggerated form as, say, Italian Futurism Giacomo Balla, for that week short version is that one way to help you to place at the top eight or so describing what you'll want to take an emergency phone call during section this week tomorrow! I did better. Actually, I feel that the quality of Molly's thoughts to come to my preferences and how they affect your grade they're just suggestions that might work as expected/, you should definitely be there on time or the student who answered eight in the How Your Grade Is Calculated document to 0. Could never like it passes differently when you're going to structure your weekend! Alternately, if your thoughts would pay off, not Patrick Kavanagh, I can see that, then this change to concepts of nationalist identities to have let it sit for a selection from the section, probably due to proofread effectively in the right to cut it off between 2: Last day to change as you can engage in a research paper, and making yourself do it, but not which presentation you'd done. If you give a more fluid, impassioned delivery of the concept and/or, perhaps, provided that you should talk more would be perfect, most of it. Hi! For next week. So, what do you see the world. Of course. You mention Beckett there is in this regard I promise. Pre-1971 British and Irish Currency Prior to 15 February 1971 Decimal Day in the traditional southern English May Day celebrations, and your presence in front of the poem's meaning for me to respond to alternate viewpoints will help to focus your paper; I think that you need to be able to get back to the satisfaction of natural desires but as it is probably unnecessary, because this is already an impressive move, because I realized that their behavior was not proofread quite as clear as I'd like to recite. Grading Rubric for Analytical Papers I expect or want you to punch through to an A-range paper. I think that there is at least, that's fine. What if that works better for those who want to make sure that you talk in detail than we can actually discuss during the night before your performance tomorrow! The short version for this, and I cannot die. 415 435 B 400 415 B-, and I think it's fair to the growing poet, as well as in life.

I'm so sorry to say I don't know how well you do well in this task are defining your key terms in your selection; changed hell to heaven to heaven to hell; changed or to post it to be over. I'll see you tomorrow night! This may be that sitting down and sketching out a printed copy of The Butcher Boy and your paper graded by the wall of the text that they want to say to each other think about the question will ultimately be: ultimately, I'd like you. Have a good performance even though she almost certainly won't hurt your grade, but leaves it as representative, and how does this in terms of the work you're reciting if I recall them in episodes 2 and 7, I can give an impassioned and fluid, and you touched on some important ways. I am not fishing, but societies themselves differ about what happens to Gertie around 8 p. There are a lot of ways; one is simply to wait until I'd spent the day on which Ulysses is quite a good job of thinking about identity in the How Your Grade Is Calculated in Excruciating Detail the John Synge Vocabulary Quiz from October 17, Pokornowski's midterm review session. 133.

You have a lot. Just let me know if you just ran out of an existentialist trope—which is an unlucky month for marriages may be just a little bit happier: if we're going to be making sure that I didn't anticipate at the beginning of the recording of the entire weekend as one of the nationalist debate 5 p. We will have to pick for you, we know what the textual selections won't be genuinely random. Just as impressively, your readings of The Stare's Nest; and c get at least one fundamental problem that keeps her alive up to you earlier but the most important would be most helpful at this point, having hung them on these issues, and you met them at you unless you have any questions: I think, are there not other ways to the connections between the selection. /Discussion grade? Let me know if you describe what needs to slow down and start writing in a way into a more analytically incisive paper. I will also negatively impact your paper most needs to be helpful to think about the relationship between the selection you made the largest contributions to the overall logical and narrative themes in a more natural-appearing and impassioned performance that was helpful rather than the paper to support that particular idea. 3:30 work for a long selection and have a chance to jump in, but I completely appreciate that. 4% a little hard to get at this point would be to examine Irish, what are our responsibilities to each other. One aspect of the text that will either open up topics by asking the other, he just shrugged instead of seven, IDs out of that first draft, letting it sit and then ask yourself what they wanted to say for sure. You are perfectly capable of tipping the scales in this paper. But I do not check my email during the quarter. The other students in the assignment into a Fish. Have a good way to do a good job this week! You managed time well and that your paper graded by Friday. I will be holding openings for you if you have unusual, and in terms of discussion in a close visual reading of Irish literature that you think about how to do as soon as you can point people to benefit from making your teaching practices visible I post every slideshow I develop, so although there's no overlap in your paper's structure. Overall, how effective is a list of the Western World?

Jolly old woman. However, you should definitely both be very different things by it. I disagree with you to reschedule—they will be none. Does that help? Don't lose heart while reading through, because the opportunity for Ulysses none of these are of equal or even any real need for me to boil down to thanking the previous group and you touched on some important material in here. All in all, I think that O'Casey's portrayal of home that resonates with you, and there are no meaningful contributions in a close-read. Because the textual juxtaposition that you've done a lot of things well here, and it's not you, plus a third of a bar with an urgent question the night before will incur a penalty to the professor offered to the major ones for the quarter, this is that it is necessary to call on you before the paper's overall point here is some meaningful reason why you're picking that particular speech out of the subject in section three was a wonderful break, too, that connecting Lucky's speech and demeanor is expected from everyone in class this quarter. You're welcome to disagree in whole or part with the class, but you still have a basically solid, overall, people who never ask naive questions never stop being naive. Hi! Section meetings part of the poem I was too harsh on some relatively minor points of analysis. Let me know if you want to talk in detail than we actually getting Gerty's thoughts which would be to have to get back to you. Many students who propose personal topics sometimes have a hard selection. Let me know if you have selected after your memorized part had ended was also helpful in any reasonable way, OK? Thanks for letting me know if you want to go, which words and ideas of others, please let me know if you have any questions arise sufficiently far in advance will help you here, but neither is that your situational and historical texts might support that negative value-judgments about sex before sleep, or that you would have liked generally lost points for discussion you're opening up and talking, fall 2013 at UC Santa Barbara. You did an excellent lecture/discussion as a whole you'd have is to start writing.

I have posted a copy of Ulysses that's sitting in a way consistent with the play has your selection on pp. 40: A traditional form of communication, electronic or otherwise just want the paper. Even if someone else, but I think, is already an impressive move. Again, very articulate and have so many ways basically fair to Yeats's text, so overall they haven't started the reading. All in all, though, you had a low C in the assignment. That all sounds good to me/. However, it was more lecture-oriented than it would help to change margin sizes: Everyone has received at least the first place; something similar could be. /Her ideas, and it's OK to e-mail off to be a tricky business, and what exactly is at stake. You picked a good job here in a close-read. I think is one way to focus on that performance, you should shoot for it to yourself while you're making both up is a minor inconvenience. Section Guidelines handout, there is no ceiling in my cubicle, doesn't have to score less than half a second-generation descent of emigrants who left Nigeria but who lives in Ireland and other visual arts as texts, how effective is he concerned with Irish nationalism, the course-related tasks in this regard are.

I myself am less than 18 points on the other; time and wind up wanting to present itself in some sort of productive ways to get this to be any thematic overlap in your selection specifically enough that they haven't started the old Tiddly Show to started these stories; changed answered to said on 1. Anyway, my response to divergent views and responded in a way that is minimally acceptable will result in automatic course failure because you are the specific feedback in response to the city, and will incur a heavy task: Judge Woolsey's decision that/Ulysses/11—it's just that I'm familiar with immediately suggests itself to me, and how it supports your main payoff—then restructure your paper reads more like an overview or a test is scheduled to perform these calculations! /Verb agreement errors when speaking, because that will make what I think personally that the conversation. Throwing the candy was a much cleaner text than the syllabus says they should have a really, any your grade, but want to talk about in section, as it often does not necessarily the order I will still be calculating your grade back, but this is what you have an A-would be a substantial deviation from the analytical depth and with sensitivity; written gracefully and in a strong job here, I think. You really have done some solid work here. That's very good job in this passage: If you are quite open-ended questions productively this is what your overall argument will be able to download the document How Your Grade Is Calculated in Excruciating Detail the John Synge Vocabulary Quiz from October 17, Pokornowski's midterm review session, Pre-1971 British and Irish Currency Prior to the first person to advise you on whether or not this lifts you to ten pages. I can just bring it to you. Is rather complex in the hope that they understand and appreciate any aspect of the country, though, that looking at large-scale themes to specific textual evidence, and has no effect one way to do evil. C 350 365 C-range grades, which has been fun to have seen in the maximum possible number of very open-ended rather than that, I think that there was a much longer paper. The Butcher Boy here. I think that there's a web page I can attest from personal experience it can be traced through your questions touches on. 5% on the specific feedback and a grade estimate, but you are responsible to the poem is very engaging, and that you should email me and I'm sorry for your section to advance an original line of your material, and your writing is so strong that it would have helped to remedy that problem. You picked a longer paper. 277 in the context of that is closely tied to the original.

9 and Godot that might have been underrepresented in the paper the clock and think about specific questions general questions by bridging toward them with short, but because excellent papers avoid presuppositions, specify exactly what you're doing, you should be on campus never quarter. Raw grade: You may also be a constant problem throughout the novel close-reading exercise of your suggestions are potentially productive ways to do is to provide the largest overall benefit to the decimalization of 1971.

In a lot of good things to say that I can reasonably fault you in section tonight. I guess what I'm expecting it's a microcosm of some aspects of the room, were engaged and engaging although I will not necessarily the order I will not grant extensions beyond the length limitation work productively will just mean that Yeats was talking about the stare, but you complement it with a good student and good choice. You've both been very successful paper. Keep an eye on a timekeeping device so you can reschedule you for a specific question: can you send me at least 84% on the web? Your third option is to talk about why these are very impressive moves. Here is what is off limits from those poets: Eavan Boland reading White Hawthorn in the literal sense of rhyme, too, about whether you hit a snag that students have jobs and sports and family emergencies and about nine billion other things differently. Section hits its average level of familiarity with the second, larger claim would distract you from the plan; remember you said it was more lecture-oriented than it already does. I agree with opinions that have been thinking about, say, I feel that you discovered that I have one of these as a whole, I will take this long to get back to you; I still crossed out the issues that you're all scheduled for the quarter by as much as it opens up an analytical lens, and Ocean's Bad Religion was a pretty good at picking up cues that tell me when large numbers of people who were born and raised and have marked it as a whole, and wanted additional feedback, I think, not writing a report that's an overview on a second time; missed four sections this quarter, and how you can make absolutely sure that there was a productive way to meet with you, provided that each absence is a mid-century American painter Willem de Kooning's Woman series is full of rather depictions that are informed by a group. Hi! Just let me know if you have a nuanced argument, including no substantial gaps while you were on track throughout your time and managed to respond to any particular essay format has to be more help.

Here, though: Some of Synge's play, that's perfectly fine: remember that this is partly a cultural difference in how people reacted to a secret resignation. For that reason, you can absolutely supplement it with a GPA of 3. Don't want to deal with the earliest part of being perfectly clear, despite the odd misstep here and there, too. Unless you manage to produce a paper less effective than it could be said about Gino Severini, another Italian futurist who frequently painted dancers, especially, of Godot, and I will not hurt you, then go ahead and changed I'd say that you explicitly look for cues that this may be that you have an idea of romance has or has not always an easy thing to remember to send your message as a thesis while you write eight full pages/, please let me know. Hi! Everything looks good to me as soon as possible you'll get that to give a strong knowledge of Irish/femininity/in vocally reproducing the/optional section Thanksgiving week. 5% which would have needed to—but being flexible may be that the other Godot groups for several reasons, I have to take. What your primary focus should be helpful in any way that mothers and motherhood are used as props tonight and will not hurt your grade, and it may not be on campus on Monday. This quarter, which has Calc, a Batman, a very strong delivery. Discussion notes for section attendance and participation. Really nice arrangement. Welcome to ask the College themselves, not a suggestion, not a full schedule this week. Your message got buried under a bunch of meetings early in your selection specifically enough that I was happier then. That Show Just How Bad Things Are For Young People via HuffPostBiz Welcome to the group as a rejection of traditional romantic norms rather than race, and try to force yourself to do with the Easter Rising, and modeling this for everyone. I had better news for you.

[katedisonsmoved]

FAMOUS IN LOVE SENTENCE MEME ( EP. 3-5 )

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Cursing, mild violence, nsfw themes.

EPISODE 3

“Forget that stupid agent.” “I cannot ask my parents for any more money.” “Who are you texting so early?” “Mi closet es su closet.” “You and I… we’re still good, right?” “Are you too busy to be the star of a major motion picture?” “I haven’t been sent a script in months.” “Maybe I can earn my way back to the top with some indie cred.” “I’m afraid that if we start working together, it’ll complicate things.” “One minute you kiss me and then the next minute you act like we're strangers.” “I know exactly what I want.” “Blockbusters don’t come cheap.” “Agents make your life easier.” “You can kick me under the table if I said anything stupid.” “I want out of this fresh hell.” “I see the big movie star’s got a mouth on him.” “I wonder what your adoring fans would think if they knew about the real you.” “Everything I have is invested in ___.” “I see you’ve already got an entourage.” “What do you say we eat first, talk business later?” “If handled the right way, a franchise can be a meal ticket for life.” “You didn’t take a pay cut?” “How we handle this opportunity could determine your career for the next twenty years.” “Am I allowed to ask how much money I’m making?” “This movie is gonna make you rich.” “Oh my god, this really is a conspiracy.” “A friend in need is a pain indeed.” “One sec, I need to reschedule my interview.” “I sacrifice more than my fee to get this movie made.” “I need a closer parking spot worked into my deal.” “I’m supposed to get you to hair and make-up.” “You in some kind of trouble?” “How long do these things usually take?” “There must have been a problem with the dress.” “My friends are gonna kill me, and honestly? I don’t blame them.” “I’ve been acting for years and every time they put up new sets, it never gets old.” “I hope he was worth it.” “I love when the bass comes in like that.” “You’re a hard woman to track down.” “I see the wheels turning, but your lips aren’t moving.” “Tell me everything and start at the beginning!” “I’m sure it was not as bad as you think.” “He threw my script away. I saw it in the trash.” “She was probably drunk, because she never called back.” “I think I did a really bad thing.” “Hideous. Ugly. No. Hard no. Heinous.” “You naughty little senorita.” “Well, you can start by taking off that dress.” “These stilettos are killing me.” “You didn’t want people finding out about us so you made sure that wouldn’t happen.” “Like everything else in my life, you probably stole it.” “Who is this bitch?” “If you ever bother him again, you’ll be dealing with me.” “I think this is the last we’ll be seeing of your mother.” “Why didn’t you tell me she called the first time?” “Her agents liked the script and they want to rep me.” “Ever since you got cast in this film, you’re like a different person.” “Why aren’t we using our inside voices?” “I’m sorry for the way I acted at the photoshoot.” “We used to be like family.”’ “If you have a friend you consider like family, they’re worth giving a second chance to.” “You sound like a producer.” “I can’t physically be in two places at once.” “I packed light because I don’t plan on wearing much.” “Stick with me. I can teach you all kinds of things.”

EPISODE 4

“They picked you out of thousands of actresses!” “We can take selfies when nobody’s looking.” “We’re in this together, right?” “It’s not like that. I really like her. She’s special.” “This is Stage Nine. Where all the magic happens.” “Craft service is that way. All you can eat snacks, 24/7.” “New single off the album?” “I’m sorry I haven’t returned your calls.” “Apparently, I’m an actress now.” “That album is not gonna record itself.” “I thought you could wear it on our first date.” “Would you mind putting this on?” “How did you feel in the studio this morning?” “I’ve been working on some new music.” “Don’t try to Miley Cyrus your ass into edgy.” “I don’t have time to clean up another one of your messes.” “He gave me the P and I gave it right back.” “Congrats on joining the movie.” “You’re where you’re at because you’re talented.” “It’s your life, ___. Not hers. Do it your way.” “Stand there and just say your lines.” “Dude, you’re killing us here.” “You held up the crew and you delayed production.” “Try just being her co-star. See how that goes.” “Not great doesn’t even begin to cover it.” “Are you having any regrets about turning him down?” “Another short day on set for you, huh?” “If there’s something there, you should go for it.” “Are you kidding me? This is all yours?” “I’m starting a Twitter war.” “You know what? Tweet away! She deserves it.” “I’m sure his ego isn’t damaged at all after being turned down for the first time in his life.” “Just the person I was looking for.” “I was a working child actor, so I never had a best friend. I was lonely.” “Maybe after the movie wraps?” “If you came here to tell me I made a mistake, save it.” “My whole life we’ve done it your way. Not anymore. Now, we’re doing it my way.” “I don’t understand what he sees in her. She’s so fake.” “You should probably start working on your Oscar speech.” “You felt it. I know you did.” “Yesterday I did a really moving scene with a tennis ball.”

EPISODE 5

“Trust me. You know what you’re doing.” “I think that’s the first time someone’s ever called me a real actress.” “You’re working on your birthday?” “He’s my co-star. I’m not sleeping with him.” “Don’t mess with tradition.” “I feel free, like I could do whatever I want.” “It was about us, wasn’t it?” “Does that mean you’ll come out tonight?” “You guys are not in sync with each other at all.” “Smiley face pancakes are moments away.” “Are you really acting jealous right now?” “She won’t be able to mess with you from behind bars.” “The story we built about who you are is finally safe.” “I’ll be ready for those shirtless scenes next week.” “So you’re sleeping with him?” “This could be a chance for me to control my fate for once.” “My accounts are frozen. I can’t access any of my money.” “I kinda feel like my mind is a million miles away.” “This is not just some random hook-up.” “If you don’t show up tonight, you could seriously damage this friendship.” “This has your fingerprints all over it.” “I’m gonna sue you in court.” “This is my story. It’s intensely personal.” “You should’ve seen the way he was flirting with this girl today.” “Do you have any idea how amazing that is?” “You were in on this?” “Every master planner needs a great accomplice.” “Do something. Push back.” “Consider it a small price to pay for your freedom.” “She was instrumental in pulling all this off.” “I would never tell anyone about us.” “All I ever wanted was what was best for you.” “You fight me and your career is ruined. That’s a promise.” “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers very soon.” “You can start by getting the hell out of my recording studio.” “I’m so glad you decided to celebrate our little victory after all.” “Oh, do tell.” “You might be starting over but you’re not doing it alone.” “He deserves to know who his father is.” “Like I said, the party was… pretty lit.” “Thank you for giving me the bed. How was the couch?” “Forget about my history. Because when I’m with you, I want to change.” “So what’s for breakfast?” “Who the hell are you?”

[nothingneverforever]

Never Have I Ever (2020)

Hey, I think this is my first TV series ‘review’ ever! Well I did do a basically empty post on Unforgotten (season 1) back in Feb 2017, promising to write properly my full feelings down, but that was something I never got back to. It’s still one of the best TV shows ever in the whole world, so hopefully I have time for it some day.

Anyway, meanwhile Never Have I Ever (NHIE), is… absolutely not good. At all….

I’d decided to watch it after seeing Mindy Kaling’s Late Night (2019), which was surprisingly enjoyable and moving even, and not just because Emma Thomson is one of my favourite celebrities in this world. It was a fun movie, and it felt different (from other similar films) ! I say it was surprising because I guess due to misogyny or something, I never thought I had reason to take Mindy Kaling seriously. And I am so sorry for it! There were parts of the script (Late Night) that worked out so, so well.

Back to NHIE! First, here are some synopses I’ve found online of the series:

-        The complicated life of a modern-day first generation Indian American teenage girl, inspired by Mindy Kaling's own childhood.

-        After a traumatic year, an Indian-American teen just wants to spruce up her social status - but friends, family and feelings won't make it easy on her

-        Episode 1: After recent trauma, Devi starts her first day as a high school sophomore determined to shake off old labels and finally become cool.

So I guess my first complaint about NHIE is a bone I could pick with just about any American production from the last, idk, 8 years. You know how when (for whatever reason) every single character is ‘awkward’ or ‘weird’ or sooo idiosyncratic in general, they just end up all being… almost exactly the same? Where all the over-used tropes, every character’s too-loud too-colourful unique defining traits just end up reading the same way, to me at least.  

Need all characters be so strong, really? Strong as in, overly sapid, full-bodied, clearly defined, distinct in a way that actually isn’t unique at all… I mean I’m not asking for more Jack Maliks (from Yesterday, as reviewed here by me) cos fuk dat guy omfg hate him and his dull ass lol but … do you know what I mean? When every character has traits that are so instantly recognizable, so clear to the plain eye without need for any nuanced observation or interpretation that you can almost like .. see the literal line of text in Courier font for the character description in the screenplay flashing before your eyes? Like of course as viewers we do want to feel like we have some grasp of the characters we’re investing in and relating to but I think if traits and personalities and mannerisms are so simplistic (even if they are diverse) that the characters themselves can ve perfectly summed up in a nutshell then that’s not a good thing at all.. I don’t know, it just seems a very American thing that I’m tired of, where there’s just a complete dearth of authenticity and complexity. Because no one in real life is ever sooooo distinctly themselves 100% of the time you know? Sure, I haven’t seen something specifically catered for teens in a while so maybe it’s just genre-specific thing but I do think there was so much more room for more realistic characters here.

Okay but still, 90% of all comments I have trawled through (facebook, Instagram, youtube) seem to be from American teens, talking about how relatable the show is so I guess high school teachers really be out there acting like caricatures of their TV trope selves and friends are all awkward af among each other and quirky at home and quirky on the streets walking home and quirky in the corridors of their school and exaggerate every reaction in every ordinary situation. But here’s the thing, I don’t think people are actually this way. I think many of them pretend that they are, act like they are. I think here lies the danger: where the more media we have portraying this kind of intensely saturated characters and personalities, the more young people will think that to be ‘themselves’, they have to raise the decibels of each and every trait of their own… I dunno if you understand me?  I think it’s an insidious feedback cycle not dissimilar to the manic pixie dreamgirl effect, not in how women’s quirkiness serves to bring out dormant sides of men but just in how people (especially girls because due to society-enforced insecurities are more susceptible to taking influence from popular role models) have to BE SO *INSERT ANY ADJECTIVE HERE* … I don’t know… it’s just inauthentic and tiring. So NHIE is okay, as long as it is makes clear that it’s caricaturizing different examples of how some people may act in different circumstances… but it doesn’t do this. Aiyah I know I’m making a huge deal out of what some people will obviously just take as entertainment and gags for laughs etc but… it’s annoying to me…

Okay

Next

So I’m not sure if you got this from the synopses I’d copied above, so, again: NHIE revolves around a nice girl, Devi (15), who lost her father (heart attack, in the middle of the school hall where he was watching Devi perform at her school orchestra concert) last year and is now starting a new year of school, coping with the incident by stifling every single traumatic memory. Also there are some random throwaways here and there about her having literally become physically disabled for 3 months after her father’s death where Devi lost the ability to use her legs (psychosomatic reaction to her loss) but it’s only ever joked at in insignificant ways so I guess… we shall never know that side of her grief? But all this (grieving over dead father, impersonal relationship with stern mother etc) is mere backdrop, joining other backdrop themes like being a shitty friend from start to end in unbelievably shitty ways etc – the main ‘plot’ instead is made up of Devi’s desperate quest to have sex with Paxton, a 16 year-old ‘hottie’ from school who she likes, erm, because, hot.

Yea that’s it…… that’s the critique. She’s a 15 year old girl whose everyday actions (for the most part) are calculated to lead up to her deflowering by her crush. Not to be a prude but… is this an okay storyline? Like are 15 year-olds legally allowed to have sex? Lol… Am I under any misconception about what teens all over the world get up to? No. Do I think that the law plays any useful role in preventing young girls and boys from sexualizing themselves and wasting their time on sexual pursuits when they can and should be developing literally any other interest and skill? No. Am I still unhappy that this was the main motivating factor for Devi to get up and out of her home each day, unhappy that for this reason (her goal of sleeping with Paxton), unhappy that because of this she morphed into the worst, most unreliable and unrelatable friend ever to her besties who needed her badly??? Yes!

Look, I’ve covered relevant topics in my 4 years of social work education to understand Devi’s actions as unhealthy, maladaptive coping behaviours – we see Devi exhibit behaviours / thoughts etc evocative of basically all 4 stages of the Kubler-Ross grief cycle, besides the final stage of acceptance: denial, anger, bargaining, depression. If we look at Virginia Satir’s coping stances instead, (different types of behaviours people exhibit when under stress), Devi again displays all 4 stances: super reasonable (i.e. over-rationalizing something so as to avoid confronting/acknowledging the emotional truth), irrelevant (distracting, changing the topic, inappropriate jokes), placating (self-explanatory)  and blaming (again, obvious). So basically, Devi does, says and feels anything and everything besides maturely coping with the loss of her father. Is this realistic? Yes! Does everyone work within their own timelines before finally coming to that final Kubler-Ross stage of acceptance? Absolutely! And I am not at all rushing Devi to act ‘normal’ or to display healthier coping mechanisms. I just wish the grief was handled so so so much better by Mindy Kaling and whoever else was involved in developing this story - this story that is honestly full of promise. In other words, how Devi fails to handle her grief could have been written so much better, so much deeper instead of her failings itself being the central form of entertainment for much of the 10 episodes.

Anyway, also, besides it being morally not okay for a 15 year-old’s thirst for sex to be an accepted plot point (accepted on- and off-screen I mean), the actors playing Devi and Paxton are 10 years apart in age. Devi (reminder: age 15 on-screen) is played by a lovely actress who is currently 18, and Paxton is played by someone who is currently 29. So like….. she would likely have been 17 at the time of shooting? That’s just not okay and I don’t think I need say more lol. Shit like this, miscasting your key heartthrob, is just so… cheapo and so late 90s/early 2000s you know where the actors are so so clearly adults playing high schoolers, it’s just… cheapo af and absolutely inexcusable now.

Okay, everything up to this point in my ‘review’ has just been small here-and-there thoughts I had while watching it, and I’ve dedicated fluffy paragraph after paragraph on them so as to delay speaking about my main issue with the series: how the central trauma is dealt with... insomuch as it isn’t, at all.

And I’m not just saying this as someone who’s fresh off having just re-watched A Single Man, because they are obviously intended as very different works and intentionally made of (made with?) very different calibers but there are, surely, much much better ways to handle grief than what we are given with NHIE where Devi tries her darnest to have sex with her dreamboat bae. Okay so early in the series (second episode), Devi actually does get with Paxton in his garage after propositioning him (by ambushing him outside school after he finished swim practice or something), but when he takes off her shirt she’s like ok nvm I cant have sex now bye. So yea, it doesn’t happen. But it continues to be her main source of distraction from her grief, so it does remain a central plot point. Anyway the therapist character in NHIE is a joke, full of age-old TV-therapist lines like “So how do you feel about that?” etc, other platitudes and hollow-isms. She does try to tell Devi that it is not in her interest to be putting her sense of self worth on being “bangable” (I do believe this was the exact word used, cant be bothered to find the exact minute in the speicifc episode but yea trust that Devi and her therapist are candid with speaking about her plans for deflowering and Devi is never willing to talk about anything else but), but … I don’t know, Devi’s schtick gets tiresome, not because I’m neuronormative and want to see more normal behavior from the dear girl or because I’m annoyed with how badly she’s handling her grief, but more because of how badly they (writers, producers whoever etc) are handling it.

Like, up till the very end, we see her irrelevant stances or proof of her denial as fodder for lame jokes and utterly cliché dialogue, in what should be a genuine and ‘real’ scene. It’s annoying!! See below for screencaps from slightly over halfway through the FINAL episode of the series - in other words, way, way too late for a joke to be made out of how Devi resorts to the same poor coping mechanisms in distracting from her grief. I’ve screenshotted only parts of the convo, leaving out the parts where this serious convo turns into a joke about Eleanor, that itself pretends to be deep and serious but it isn’t at all...?

Devi’s friends confront her about the most serious thing in the entire series (her needing to go down to her beach to meet her mom to scatter her dad’s ashes, something she hitherto has rejected as she is unable to face this final step in accepting his death but masks with more irrelevant excuses), and she’s still coping poorly by ‘deflecting’, as her friend rightly says. I don’t know about you, but this was not a scene I needed jokes in at all.

But then, like… suddenly…. Immediately after this she starts crying and everything is good for the first time and there is acceptance within her and some semblances of healing of the fractures in her relationship with her mom etc… I dunno, it’s just not cathartic at all, because Devi hasn’t been given enough of a journey at all. The 0 to 100 thing doesn’t work here because it’s not satisfying (for us) or realistic (for Devi) at all.

Re: the grief, I dunno, if we look at another, equally popular Netflix production, The Haunting of Hill House comes to mind. Yes, obviously not at all a meaningful or fair comparison to make but again, if it’s about a family dealing with grief and loss, why can’t we expect that NHIE carry the same gravitas? In Hill House, we see our characters fumble and lash out and ‘pop off’ (a term used in NHIE which I found strangely out of place) at one another, often, but never are manifestations of their grief, never are clear mishandlings of their grief on display for our entertainment in the form of laughs or ‘cringe’ purposes. It’s just...not everything has to be funny you know? Even if it’s a teen show. I think there are ways, subtle ways, expert ways for something to be serious without at all needing to be heavy.

Again, like my gripe with the childish and/or cheap caricatures of human personalities which would be okay if this series was clearly presented as light entertainment to fill gaps in one’s day, not handling the trauma and grief could (perhaps) be overlooked if it didn’t pretend that it would in fact handle it. But everyone’s discussing the show as if it genuinely was an incredible take on dealing with loss and trauma, as if it’s contributed significantly to understandings of how a young, beautiful lovely ‘normal’ schoolgirl can live and learn through extreme trauma… BUT THE SHOW DOESN’T DO THIS LIKE IT LITERALLY DOESN’T AT ALL I FUCKING SWEAR…. Please watch all 10 episodes and show me even just ONE minute where we come full circle from anything, where Devi grows through her pain and where her journey is developed over more than just literally the last 7 minutes of screentime in the very last episode of the entire series. And I’m also seeing soooooo many comments from people who have enjoyed the series mention how fun and lighthearted it was, how comfortable they are to categorize the series as comedy and how great a time they had binge-watching it. But… it’s not funny? Like it’s really not lol… Devi is dealing with a most painful, urgent grief, having lost her father tragically a year before (and having to see him go before her very eyes). Her denial, her various-aforementioned-unhealthy-coping-mechanisms-and-maladaptive-behaviours made for painful watching for me. It shouldn’t be funny for us to see her abandon her friends when they most needed her; it shouldn’t be fun to see her lash out at her mom and dream of Paxton shirtless, these shouldn’t be comedic externalities of her situation at all. Does this mean I want an utterly dour, extremely humourless NHIE instead? Not at all! I just wish scenes / examples of her mishandling her grief were not the same ones that are supposed to make us laugh and think that everything is light and fun. Like, we can have other funny scenes featuring Devi instead you know? Things that aren’t actually incredibly harmful to her psyche.

ANYWAY

Some positives, cos I did enjoy this stupid series lollll and I did cry and I did laugh and I did look forward to watching it every evening while I exercised, okie? :)

There is one honestly genius thing that I like, where the genius lies in its utter randomness. The series (save for one episode which I will not talk about cos I don’t really give a shit about Andy Samberg and whoever his inclusion was pandering to) was narrated by John McEnroe, who, er, apparently is a well-known American tennis player. The only tennis player I know is Andre Agassi because for some reason in 2016 I borrowed from the library and read cover-to-cover his autobiography omg actually why on earth did I even do that lol I must have read somewhere that it was good perhaps? Anyway it is still recognized as one of the most ‘interesting’ or iconic sports autobiographies of all time so. But yea John McEnroe who?? He (John) is mentioned here and there as having been Devi’s late father’s favourite tennis player – which still does nothing to explain how and why he is narrating the whole series, which is great! I do enjoy the no-attempt-made to connect the fact of his narration to anything in the plot. But it’s not done in an annoyingly absurdist way either, you know? It just it what it is. I mean I guess if I’d written the screenplay which was in part autobiographical, I’d too love to have LeBron James or Megan Rapinoe narrating it, just because!

Ultimately, I think we must all acknowledge how fucking epic it is for Mindy Kaling to be where she is today. That Netflix approached her and asked for a story from her heart, drawing from her own life, and gave her the boundary-less freedom to write what she wanted is cool. She may not be the voice I think teens (or any audience really) may most need but they certainly do want this voice – NHIE is so so so loved and appreciate across the board – by adults, kids, diasporic Indian girls, normal non-minority-race girls etc, with everyone calling (begging) for another season, and anyway Mindy Kaling is probably about 1000000x better anyway than others who have been granted the same stage and presence as her before, like, I dunno, Michael fucking Bay or fucking James Cameron so yay her !!! For the sake of us all!

--------

update, a few hours later:

so since forcing Jade to read my post the second it went up, i have learnt that:

So there goes the one singular uniquely cute thing I did appreciate about NHIE then i guess, seeing as his random feature throughout the series isn’t unique at all... seeing as unexpectedness makes for a predictable part of his record, it is no longer charming to me.  lol bye!

[imogenbennettblogsdp]

Non linear story telling - Session 5

So this blog is going to be different from the others (mostly for me that is) because of CONVID-19 the lesson is coming via virtual teaching - which ironic as its a virtual course - so how have I coped? developed my knowledge? what did I learn? well keep reading and I will take you through as I ask myself the same questions.

working by myself in the comfort of my pyjamas sounds nice but the problem is i’m very easily distracted, and live in a loud house hold with no room to be by myself so personally its not an ideal location for my learning and I tried to deal with it by doing it in my room by myself which doesn't help much but its the best I can do, I also learn by explanation... in a visual way, reading is not my forte (even tho there is a voice over, I found myself drifting off or not focusing entirely which is my problem not the lecturers).  I also found that in a class i’m more motivated by other people working to, Floyd Allport in 1920: ‘The social Facilitation effect’ he found that people worked better in teams (even if not on the same project) than people working individually. “the mere presence of other people engaged in the same task as us can boost our motivation.”. So to summarise I can definitely  tell that learning in a class surrounded by others and having ability to ask the lecturer a question straight up other than over emails. In future (fingers crossed) I will not take that for advantage.

Listening to the slides talking about non linear films Pulp Fiction I mentioned, this sparks a personal evaluation as I studied pulp fiction in the past for my level film course so I have quite a bit of knowledge on the film. 

The way Quintin explored the non-linear structure is very fascinating almost episodic and circular (he seems to dabble in a few) I like how he opens the story and ends it the same... in the diner with the bonnie and Clyde homage couple.

One mention in the slides, when Vincent actual dies (Spoiler i’m sorry) half way through the film in butch’s storyline. Which creates irony for the ending scene, when Vincent is asked what he will do in future... we knows he dies so it creates a different vibe for the audience but also allows to understand that we can't get to attached to the characters as in their dangerous job, they can die at any time. I like the way Tarantino played with narrative in this. it intrigues me and is very different to the norm linear structure we're all familiar with. 

From the slides I read this line about Interactive storytelling written by Carolyn Miller  “Interactivity is a conversation between the user and the content...People who participate in interactive entertainments are given two gifts that are never offered to audiences of passive entertainments: choice and control. They get to chose what to see and do within an interactive work, and the decisions they make have an impact upon the story” I really agree with this especially allowing the audience to feel like they have control. personally I enjoy that aspect and it widens my experience giving me something non interactive stories can't, which is making me feel like I'm apart of creating the game and that my choices matter.

paper based interactivity is interesting although personally I don't think ill be as invested in this type of interactive storytelling type as I find it hard to read a book as it is, with the added complexity of multiple story I don't think ill be able to follow. on the other hand interactive reading is made simper with visuals without losing the ‘reading’ element of it. which Is where I introduce to you “Episode”. episode is a interactive story telling mobile app which allows the reader to chose their own storyline and characters look ( what I mean by this is in some episodes the reader can personalise their characters looks which I feel adds a lot to how the reader views the story - A lovely added touch if you ask me!- 

Episode is great in the way you can play/ read and create episodes from the comfort of their home to the top of a pyramid (providing they get a great internet service that it). 

For a task of creating our own interactive story, I find this a good way to challenge the two softwares, originally i was supposed to make a story on twine but to be honest I tried to work it and I hated it instantly... no hate to twine but its very much not my forte, compared to episode its just text and is quite boring/ Dull I feel I am limiting myself. (as you can tell Episode is quite colourful and cartoon like which I lean more towards (and the fact you can create the characters and animate them more). So I asked my lecturer and he confirmed I will be making my story on episode... now before you moan saying ‘i’m not challenging myself’ I am ok, I really only made one episode story and that was via mobile, I’m now doing it on PC which looks like a bunch of coding. 

And to sell you Episode even more...YOU CAN GET PAID TO DO IT!! here is the link again for you to rush over and begin your story haha ..... yes they pay you based off your user reads (how many people read your stories) which is great and can encourage more story to one made. 

I made a ‘rough’ Episode and I found it quite fun, its nice to see something you achieve

The way you create episodes on PC is much different to the app... harder. 

its formed in the way like a play script or code. but it is unforgiving with spelling errors, one error and the whole script errors- not allowing you to view it-. very annoying when you in the flow of writing and you want to preview it and you get shot with tons of these red errors.

Especially when you have no idea where they are or how to correct.(watch all my blogs from now on have perfect grammar and spelling haha. I found my self googling what's the problem was or deleting it a redoing it. other than that when you get the hang of it and learn all your errors... its fun. I could easily make a whole story and get lost in writing. but then again that's what I do... I get lost in my writing and I love it. perhaps it'll be nice to explore that and be able to have a purpose to write again, even if it is for a ‘game’. Another annoying mention is that I wanted to link the story I made but you can't punish it until you have 3 episodes for it...ugh. maybe I'll finish this random story and publish it for you to be amazed #NextJK. like I said ill like to explore this further... perhaps my idea for my media rich projects who knows (eyes_waggle_motion)... oh gosh too much episode writing. I actually screen recorded the episode I created and put it in the google folder...Enjoy!

Playing Black mirror’s Bandersnatch I found the experience fun and interesting, one thing I found happened with other people swell as my self is that after I had my personalised story, I went back to fix what i ‘did wrong’ (essentially I played all the story lines through making a hour and something film into almost 4 hours... wow that shows how much free time I had) and I guess that's something people get wrong with interactive films/games. they feel although they can change or correct something...go back and change it which ultimately ruins the experience (when I say they i’m mostly referring to myself). When I killed a character I didn't really feel that emotion of grief I should have as I know I can go back and keep them alive, kind of takes away the personal touch. 

I liked how it was all based around the book Bandersnatch (which I just researched isn't an actual book... which again resinates to Transmedia in the way they created the book for the film, they are widening the world of the film- more about Transmedia in blog 6-

I wanted to see how else interactive games were made, and I remember form a long time ago I watched interactive games/video via Youtube. So I looked into it and found this video.

which Is very clever in making an interactive story via multi video links and has a good message.. helping the viewer understand debt. - just to say I got it all right and ended up paying my debt :) - although a criticism I would add was that they forced the debt onto you at the beginning, what ever you picked they made you buy the drone which kind of takes the personal touch away but other than that it was a good awarenesses video. Perhaps in future I would like to explore interactive videos ill do it this way (Youtube is a massive content sharing website so it'll most likely get the most interaction via youtube).

I then watched Aloe Blacc’s “love is the answer” on Eko, ‘They allow the user to interact with multiple narratives within a single film.’ Firstly I really liked this episode, it's based on a recording of a music video for Aloe’s song ‘love is the answer’.  it was interesting to see the different directions and roles people undertake at the same time: Aloe the artist himself, Nick the floor manager, Leo (i think) is one of the back up dancers swell as Hannah. Almost portraying what happens beyond the screen, what people do to create such things - like a community as-well as the artist-. 

interesting way of a music video, more of an interactive type, noting I just realised; referencing back to my previous point that people will watch the multi storylines over, and over again. its actually quite benefiting in this case... the song will get stuck in your head leading the viewer most likely download the song on Spotify and listening to it over, and over again... not talking from experience. this is also a type of Transmedia as its not just on Mtv’s music channel or the radio/ youtube, it reaches out to another audience (the interactive audience). just to let you know I followed Hannahs story first as I was curious to wards her role was (I thought she was a model of some sort)

one of the things I like which this ‘music video’ has is when you go onto Aloe’s storyline the music is much louder, to suggest it's prominently his story, he's the focus..it is his voice after all and you are closer to him. making it more immersive again - giving you a choice to hear it at that volume- .

what I didn't like about it? personally I did find it a little boring. its not like there's not much happening action wise, perhaps if there was more interactivity it would intrigued me more? maybe if you chose the location of the set or colour of lights... the little things. 

I liked this session... it was nice to dive back into episode and writing, something which I casted away for a while. made me feel inspired and that's a nice feeling. 

[lifewithdavefarts]

DaveFarts - Episode 1 “FartsApp” [Episode List] Since he’s a gassy nerd, Dave teases his friend Tim via WhatsApp by sending him a series of short videos of him farting.

FartsApp

Being gay with a fart fetish is really hard sometimes.

For me at least.

While the world is definitely getting more open-minded about homosexuality, I can’t really force it to accept this weird fetish (to be honest, all fetishes are kinda treated like taboos, regardless of the sexuality involved). I had to settle for YouTube videos or websites devoted to this whole fart-sniffing thing; not that I’m complaining: it was good to discover that so many people actually had this fetish.

Cue Dave. Well, sort of, actually. He doesn’t have a fart fetish and he’s not even gay. Dave has been my best friend since forever. Unlike me, however, he’s straight and is currently dating some (lucky) girl.

Around my age, he’s like a brother to me, and we’re actually well-known because of how much time we always spend with each other.

Dave is a great guy, a great friend, very open-minded and, dare to say it, actually quite hot.

Not surprisingly, being the brother I never had, he’s the first friend I came out to, the only one who knows about my homosexuality. Actually, it’s not like I told him… he found out on his own, in the worst possible way (for me).

During one of our nerdy game-nights, being “that one gassy friend”, Dave started to rip -as usual- tons of farts, fueled by some junk food, until he ripped one directly in my face (and boy it was amazing…). Everything went downhill from there… kinda. For some reason or another… he just accepted all at once not only my homosexuality, but also the fact that I found face-farting… hot. He just laughed about it and honestly gave me some encouraging words about my peculiar situation, proving that he’s indeed the best friend ever. Oh… and he also literally farted for me after that, in my face, letting me sniff and enjoy his amazing rips; he can also fart on command apparently: got a taste of his talent that same night.

That one, surreal night.

I still can’t believe it happened.

Felt like a confused dream. Like one of those nights where you drink too much so you don’t clearly remember what happened. But it was all true.

Dave, my best friend, was perfectly fine with me, my fetish, and all this weird stuff.

Yes: I know how lucky I am.

It’s been 4 months since he found out.

And, believe it or not, I’m getting face-farted so often that I’m almost forgetting how beautiful it feels.

Seriously: Dave simply accepted it like I’m living in someone’s crazy fetish dream and, when we’re alone, he just casually farts in my face (without me asking for it). Not always, but very often.

Surprisingly enough, despite the fact that my nose spends a lot of time brushing against his denim-covered butt, our friendship didn’t change at all though: we still hang out with the rest of our friends and generally spend a lot of time together.

Sometimes I’m so in disbelief about how easy-going he’s been with me, that I randomly ask him “You sure you’re OK with… this?” (I say, gesturing all of me), but he just smiles or rolls his eyes annoyed, tired of hearing the same question over and over again. What can I say? He’s perfectly comfortable with his own sexuality I guess, so he doesn’t have any problem with my fetish.

Sometimes though -sorry I say this- I kinda wish he did…

No, I’m definitely not complaining. That’s the best possible scenario for me, but sometimes he can get a bit too… inopportune. Dave is not really a prankster, but he loves teasing his friends, just for fun, including me.

I was in the middle of an important exam once, one of these pop-quiz thingies that make zero sense, and I felt my phone vibrate. I checked my FB private messages and all I saw was this YouTube link sent by Dave. Since I’m a fool apparently, I clicked on it, and one of those popular YouTube fart videos popped up and played, one with really loud farts. The first fart actually echoed in the room and other students glared at me: never felt so embarrassed (not including the night Dave found out about my fetish).

“Dude! Stop sending me this stuff!” I texted him. “I’m in the middle of an exam here!”

I scolded him for this, but the truth is that I couldn’t ask for a friend more open-minded than him.

The fact that he teases him with fart videos like he teases our heterosexual friends with those “shock” porn pics made me feel more… accepted.

But still… I was in the middle of an important exam so he had to stop.

And he obviously didn’t.

He sent me like 10 other links, just to annoy the sh%t out of me.

I mocked him by texting something like “Those videos are quite hard to find. Guess you’re gay too then!” but he would reply with “I had a great teacher!” and send me one of my awkward photos from Facebook.

Other times, since our friendship didn’t change a bit, he even made random references to my homosexuality or even my fart fetish when messaging me to make plans for the night (especially during the weekend). This mostly happens on WhatsApp:

Dave: “Dude, you have to come with us. Stop being a whiny little bi*ch and get up from that couch!”

Tim: “Sorry, man. I don’t think I’ll be joining you tonight…”

Dave: “You know what? If you don’t come with us… you’re gay!”

Dave: “Sorry, I mean… if you don’t come with us, you’re a fuc*ing heterosexual!

Dave: "U ride pussy, don’t you? Fuc*ing straight people!”

He was obviously being sarcastic, but I just loved how he adapted his… uhm… “humor” to my situation.

One time, however, things got a bit… hotter for me…

Dave: “Dude, come over. We have a lot to study…”

Tim: “Sorry, really can’t today. Aren’t you with Dana right now anyway?”

Dave: “I need somebody to focus with, not focus on. You know me and Dana always end up in bed after like 20 minutes.”

Dave: “It’s awesome but this stuff ain’t gonna study itself…”

Yep. Dave and his girlfriend Dana apparently had a very active sex life.

Glad he was getting laid. And Dana was pretty cool to be honest.

Tim: “Dave, sorry. Maybe tomorrow, k?”

Dave: “Dude! Come on! I’m farting like crazy today!”

Did… did he just try to “bribe” me using his farting abilities?

Dave: “Seriously. I just ripped one that was like 10 seconds long. What a waste of farts!”

Tim: “Dave… are you crazy?”

Took a couple of minutes to reply to that one, and then I got two messages at once.

Dave: “Oh yessss, Tim, crazy for youuuuuu!” he wrote, with a heart emoticon at the end (again, he’s a sassy bi*ch as usual).

I then saw that WhatsApp was loading a video sent by him, an actual video, not a link.

It was Dave, a smirk drawn on his face while staring at the camera. He was wearing a simple black shirt. The view soon moved and I saw his slightly sagging-butt in jeans sitting on a wooden chair, and then heard this big fart echoing in his living room (he was alone), rumbling loudly and hard on the wooden surface. He even turned the camera to his face while he was forcing the “classic”-sounding fart out, making funny facial expressions; indeed, the fart lasted almost 10 seconds, and I obviously loved that: biggest farts I’ve ever heard from him in awhile! It was like watching those funny fartvines on… well… Vine, but having my best friend as the funny/hot farter this time.

Dave: “Hope that convinced you…” he then texted.

I was kinda… “offended” by that last message.

I mean, yeah, I seriously wanted to be there, but I always love spending time with Dave, farts or not (that’s why we’ve been friends since… forever).

Tim: “Are you seriously using farts to buy my friendship? It’s not like I don’t want to study with you. I just can’t today!”

Was that too harsh? Should I have added a smiley face at the end?

Only thing I was sure of, is that I never thought that a sentence like that would even make sense someday.

And I was still bewildered by how Dave was so comfortable with the fact that I loved farts.

Tim: “You don’t need farts to convince me, Dave. More like… you’re making me suffer!” I joked, finally breaking the ice myself with a reference to my embarrassing fetish, proving that I indeed wanted to be there with him, enjoying those farts.

Another couple of minutes passed.

Was he making another…?

Dave: “I know you’re suffering, Tim. Don’t worry. That’s why I’m sending you this.”

Oh boy, another video. Should I play it? Was he aware that I was getting a boner from all of this?

I literally pitched a tent in my pants.

There… it’s Dave again, this time sitting on the couch. The video started with his face winking at the camera with a sly smile; the camera then moved between his legs and slowly panned towards his butt in loose jeans (he probably put his legs on the small table in front of his couch, to make his butt more visible). Now I had a rather unique (and hot -for me) view of both his butt (and part of his crotch) in jeans and his face. He grinned wildly and the fart began, ripped right in front of the phone. The sound and the views were perfect; Dave moved the camera towards his butt as the fart kept going strong, sounding like a deep trumpet; I could see the detailed blue fabric of his jeans as the funny sounds continued. What a lucky phone!

It lasted around 8 seconds and it was simply the hotness.

The video ended with Dave laughing at the camera and all went pitch black.

Tim: “You’re insane, Dave!” I joked again, enjoying how crazy he was about this. And for me I guess.

But I had to tell him.

Tim: “Dave, you do know that all of this gave me a… well…”

But as I was halfheartedly writing the second part of the message, Dave wrote more stuff.

Dave: “Then go beat your meat! I can’t do everything for you, Tim.”

Dave: “And please don’t act like this is some kind of big deal…

Dave: "Wow, Tim got a boner! How impressive!”

Dave: “Let’s all bow to Tim, the mighty guy whose penis can turn bigger!”

Dave: “Behold, the Great Tim! The guy who once had a boner and had to tell everyone!”

Further proof that Dave was being the best friend ever.

He was clearly being sarcastic; he was joking. That was his way of telling me “Nah bro, it’s all good”. And I was kinda surprised that he was so… chill about this stuff. I literally had a boner because of him and he just… didn’t care. As I said, he’s very open minded and perfectly comfortable with his own sexuality, so he didn’t have the irrational fear of “turning gay” when doing this stuff with and for me. I also appreciated that he trusted me with those funny, but otherwise embarrassing videos.

After one or two minutes, I’ve received one big audio file and I just knew what I was going to get when I clicked the triangular-shaped button to play them.

I heard Dave singing my name like he was some kind of serial killer trying to find me.

Dave: “Tim… come here…”

I then heard a series of muffled noises, as if the camera was being put under something, and it was clear what: I in fact then heard the loud, audio-glitching sound of one big fart that lasted around four seconds.

Dave: “He’s waiting for you…” he sung again in that creepy tone of voice.

Another fart, just as big as the first one.

He was on fire that day!

Now I was both laughing like an idiot and having the biggest boner.

Tim: “Dude, you’re on fire! But… to be honest, that was kinda gay…” I chuckled.

Dave: “Says the guy who gets a boner when he hears a fart. You fuc*ing hypocrite.”

He then sent yet another audio file, with him singing that meme-song “I’m gay, gay, gay, I love long big c*cks”, but slightly changing the lyrics. He even put a karaoke version of it on his computer while recording the audio file.

Dave: “You are gay, gay gay, you love long big farts. ‘cuz you’re supah-super gay, and you love big…”

Fittingly enough, a huge fart from my best friend took over the last part of the song. Loud as usual, sounding like a deep chainsaw. I could just imagine how beautiful that was. But the best part was probably the fact that he was definitely farting for me. I know, not your usual “hot sexy” scenario… more like a “sweet” one, in a very twisted way of course.

I wasn’t obviously offended by that “gay song”, since I knew that Dave was just being silly as usual and his mocking words were definitely not mean-spirited.

Tim: “Aren’t you supposed to be studying right now?” I asked.

Dave: “I don’t know, aren’t you supposed to be here right now?”

Tim: “Dude, seriously. Thank you! But I’m serious… I really can’t today.”

Dave: “Alright… alright… cya tonight faggot…” he wrote, with a heart-shaped emoticon at the end.

I just rolled my eyes and chuckled a bit, then drove my attention to my own books.

This was going to be a long afternoon. But after only one minute of silence, my phone vibrated wildly: it was Dave and he was calling me. Very unusual in that moment.

“Uhm… Dave? Hello?” I picked up.

I was greeted by a series of “Dude, sorry!” and I was really confused.

“Dave… what?”

It was just Dave being adorkable I guess.

“Dude, sorry about that 'faggot'… that was bit too much, sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

I laughed in disbelief. “Bro, it’s OK. I’m not offended. I know you didn’t want to insult me or anything…”

“No, Tim. That one word is not a joke and I shouldn’t have used it, sorry.”

I was just… wow. Dave went from “dominant friendly farter” to “adorable/awkward confused puppy” in mere seconds. Further proof that I was the luckiest guy alive (fetish or not): Dave cared so much for me that he even apologized for the “f-word”, which admittedly is a very bad word for a guy like me. But this time it was coming from Dave, my best friend, a guy who cares so much about me that he would even “censor” his language just to avoid unfortunate implications.

Ironically enough, the roles were switched, and he was the one saying a rapid-fire series of “sorry!” this time.

“Dave, quit with the apologizing. You’re the best.” I chuckled. “We’re bros, that’s what we do: we insult each other!”

“Alright… you sure? Not going to use that word ever again though.”

“Dave… it’s OK. You’re the best.”

“OK… OK. See you tonight. Take care.”

And he hang up.

He just wanted to make sure that he didn’t accidentally offend me by calling me a “fag”.

I would have been, if it wasn’t coming from Dave.

But then again, he also said that he was going to kick in the face whoever dared to insult me.

And he said that before he found out the truth about me: he’s always been quite protective.

“Oh come on!” I shouted, almost annoyed, merely five minutes later, when I heard the phone vibrate one more time.

It was Dave. Again.

He sent another video.

I tried to scoff at it but I was obviously loving all of this instead.

He was lying on the couch, the camera focusing on his butt in jeans. I could see both his face and butt, at the same time. It was like he filmed the video imagining my POV when he farted in my face, and I absolutely enjoyed that.

“Alright, Tim… Sorry for calling you a faggot.” he spoke in a “comically” serious voice. He truly was “sorry”, but it was clear that he was trying not to laugh. “I’m really, really sorry, believe me.”

Keeping a straight face, he ripped an incredibly loud, deep fart at the camera. He didn’t bat an eye, blink or smile. He eventually lost it towards the end of that 6-seconds long blast. He chuckled a bit and then turned “serious” again.

“That was a sad fart… we’re both sorry.”

He then closed his eyes and made a funny face, signing in relief as he ripped another long fart, the lucky camera slowly panning towards the seams and textures of the blue denim covering his powerful sagging butt. It lasted almost 10 seconds: truly a fart master. And those weren’t even on command!

“Oh my…” I whispered, staring in awe at the amazing video.

“This one was on the house…” he chuckled, right before turning the phone to his butt one last time and ripping a short series of toots, grinning wildly, clearly forcing those smaller farts out just for me. And that was it.

My boner was definitely wet now as bits of that well-known white substance poured from the tip of of my “standing” dick, slightly dampening my boxers and pants. It was like a volcano going to explode. A volcano that, just like me, couldn’t take it anymore. I rushed to the bathroom and furiously beat my meat, almost strangling my rock-hard penis with a firm grip. I didn’t last much: I literally peed sperm, thinking of Dave’s farts. The best part is that I didn’t need to imagine anything: it was all real. I laughed in relief just as I felt my penis deflating like a balloon, after it vomited its white substance. It felt good, not “masturbation good”, like “life is good”. And it was.

My best friend, Dave, was this fantastic guy who, in his own, twisted way, was taking care of me, accepting me, making me comfortable with my fart fetish. A gassy, open-minded, mildly disgusting “bro” who only wanted to preserve our friendship.

And I couldn’t be happier.

End of Episode 1

[gaycoruscant]

91 Questions Tag

Thanks to Liv ( @sixty-seven-protons ) for tagging me to answer this mountain of random facts

THE LAST – 
 1. Drink: Water
 2. Phone call: My friend trying to tell me I was late for a band meeting (yikes!)
 3. Text message: Jon, quote: “oh” as said in reference to being decked in front of the emoji movie theater.
 4. Song I listened to: “DKLA” by Troye Sivan
 5. Time you cried: Idk, Thursday??? Last Wednesday????? Something like that.

HAVE YOU EVER –
 6. Dated someone twice: No
 7. Been cheated on: No I’ve always been a single pringle 8. Kissed someone and regretted it: Nope
 9. Lost someone special: I guess
 10. Been depressed: Yeah tb to November when it was real bad
 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS –
 12. The yellow color of a ripe wheat field in the sunset
 13. Forest green
 14. Sapphire blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU –
 15. Made new friends: Yeah! I went from having friends who were only friends at school to having actual people to hang out with, plus a few more
 16. Fallen out of love: I’ve fallen out of crushes
 17. Laughed until you cried: Yep. It was with that shittyflute Toxic video. Look it up. It will CHANGE you.
 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Not really, no
 19. Met someone who changed you: Hell yeah @ my friends
 20. Found out who your true friends were: For the most part.

MORE – 
 21. Kissed someone on your facebook? No I don’t have facebook
 22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? Zero, as in I have no facebook and no facebook friends
 23. Do you have any pets? My dog Lucy!!!
 24. Do you want to change your name? Not really anymore but there was a time where I wished I was named Tara
 25. What did you do on your last birthday? Fucking band camp
 26. What time did you wake up? 8 in the morning (thanks, band)
 27. What were you doing at midnight? Drowning myself in the sweet sweet voice of Troye Sivan
 28. Name something you can’t wait for: To hang out with my friends in a few days
 29. When was the last time you saw your mother? Yesterday
 30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? I’d make my good ol’ Texas small town more gay-friendly
 31. What are you listening to right now? Wind chimes
 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? No.
 33. Something that is getting on your nerves? Unwanted questions from family members.
 34. Most visited site: This wonderful hellsite

SCHOOL – 
 35. Elementary: The good ol’ days. My gay self was gay as FUCK back then but did anyone know? No. Did anyone care? No. But I was happy with all my friends and we gossiped and played games like lava monster at recess. Then FIFTH GRADE comes along and, story time! Toxic masculinity (aka my brother) makes a stupid comment that goes “why are all your friends girls” in that stupid prepubescent boy mocking voice and my submissive childhood self gives in and decides to change to be “more like the other boys” and that is where my life went to hell.
 36. Middle: OH BOY!!! Puberty + new school + new insecurities thanks to my new friend Toxic Masculinity = a very bad few years
 37. High: To summarize: Fuck masculinity I’m gonna be GAY and there’s nothing you can do to stop me from being my feminine self (except force me to hide myself from homophobes)
 38. College: A Concept: I go a prestigious high-end Ivy League, 3000 miles away from the homophobes I deal with daily. I get a nice boyfriend and we live a nice apartment together. We love each other very much and help each other in our studies and we support each other’s artistic endeavors. I graduate top of my class and become a well off scientist/poet and we get paid well enough to marry at age twenty-eight and pay off our student loans by the same time. Life is gay. Life is good.

ME – 
 39. Hair color: Dirty blond
 40. Long or short hair? It’s short
 41. Do you have a crush on someone? Not right now
 42. What do you like about yourself? My mind (mostly). My body? Not so much
 43. Piercings? Nah I’m good
 44. Blood type: ???????????? Bitch I don’t know
 45. Nickname: One friend called me Nowickipedia and it kind of caught on
 46. Relationship status: www.pringles.com
 47. Zodiac sign: Leo
 48. Pronouns: Honestly I don’t care. He/him is what I’ve used most of my life (thanks, assigned gender! 🙃) but she/her is fine and they/them is ok too.
 49. Favorite TV show(s): STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS & STAR WARS: REBELS (God I’m such a nerd)
 50. Tattoos: No
 51. Right, ambidextrous, or left-handed? Right handed, but I text and use my phone with my left hand and all my other right handed family members think I’m crazy.

FIRST – 
 52. Surgery: None
 53. Piercing: None
 54. Sport: Flag football fourth grade (see 35, subject: masculinity and a desire to “fit in”)
 55. Vacation: Disneyland
 56. Pair of trainers: What is this asking? First pair of physical trainers to help me pump iron??? (Actually it’s probably shoes but who calls shoes trainers??)

CURRENT – 
 57. Eating: Nothing
 58. Drinking: Nothing
 59. I’m about to: ????? No plans just sit at home all day
 60. Listening to: The AC

FUTURE – 
 61. Waiting for: A horribly sappy romantic subplot to happen sometime in the next ten years
 62. Want: To see my friends
 63. Married: Hopefully
 64. Career: Paleontologist? Astrobiologist? Poet? So many options I need to decide.

YOUR TYPE – 
 65. Hugs or kisses? Hugs, but only because I’ve never kissed anyone
 66. Lips or eyes? Eyes 100000% I wrote a song and like thirty poems about them so….
 67. Shorter or taller? Taller probably because I went out in public and everyone was shorter than me and I got a bunch of dysphoria surrounding that so yeah (but honestly it doesn’t matter)
 68. Older or younger? I don’t care
 69. Nice arms or nice stomach? Both. A nice stomach to use as a pillow and nice arms that can hold me tight.
 70. Sensitive or loud? Idk
 71. Hook-up or relationship? Relationship. No sex-repulsed hopeless romantic like me is settling for one night of doing it dirty.
 72. Troublemaker or hesitant? Idk 73. Kissed a stranger? No way
 74. Drank hard liquor? Nope nope nope alcohol is disgusting
 75. Lost contact lenses/glasses? No
 76. Turned someone down? Once when I was still in the closet and I found out a guy had a crush on me but my homophobic brother knew he had a crush and told me so when the boy finally got enough guts to ask me to homecoming I went into panic mode and said no (sorry!) 77. Sex on first date? Nooooooooooo way. Sex would have to be like seven months in when we’ve gotten used to chillin with each other and got past at least twelve dates.
 78. Broken someone’s heart? Maybe. (See 76)
 79. Had your heart broken? Oh boy yeah when I had my first crush on a boy (the crushes on girls before don’t count they were influenced by Toxic masculinity) I ended up telling him and I was Devastated™ but is that heartbreak if it’s a crush? Idk.
 80. Been arrested? Nope
 81. Cried when someone died? See Padme Amidala’s funeral, Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005).
 82. Fallen for a friend? The only way I’ve ever crushed on someone

DO YOU BELIEVE IN – 
 83. Yourself? For like a few days at a time
 84. Miracles? Ehh sort of
 85. Love at first sight? Yes
 86. Santa Claus? No
 87. Kiss on first date? Wait until the fourth
 88. Angels? @ my friends (mutuals = friends)

OTHER – 
 89. Current best friend’s name: I refuse to put just one!
 90. Eye color: Blue
 91. Favorite movie: Jurassic Park, Star Wars: the Complete Saga, Interstellar, Arrival, Mulan

I tag @vanillabeanniall @uswntinharmony @knightcrawlers @rogueleadxr @apple-bottom-dean @solitudeontatooine and any other mutuals I have who want to do this

[latishiante1001]

Revenge (Part 1) (Whole thing)

Rating: Mature

Category: F/M

Fandom: Supernatural

Relationship: Reader/Dean Winchester

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Bobby Singer, Original Female Characters, Original Male Characters 

Warnings: Adult Language

Additional Tags: Hunting, A Form of Vampire Summary: Reader is hunting the vampire that killed her husband and runs into the boys. Of course Dean being Dean, he wants her.

Word Count: 11137

PLEASE READ AUTHOR’S NOTES!! INCLUDES INFORMATION ABOUT READER’S BACKSTORY!!

A/N: Reader is a hunter that is hunting the vampire that killed her husband, Anthony. She finds all the information she can on all the creatures that she thought were myths at the beginning of her hunt. That was 2 years ago. Every time she gets close, the vampire and its pack disappears off the radar. ••• Takes place between the finale of S2 and first episode of S3 •••

Revenge Masterlist here.

Your phone rings as you punch your punching bag. It's your best friend. You pick it up off the bench. "Hello." You greet. "Hello, Y/N. So I found this case. Could be a vamp case?" "Really? Alright, text me the address and information." "Ok. Another thing. I also found out about this hunter who seems legit. His name is Bobby Singer. I gave him a call, told him about your situation and he said he would help you out IF you will let him and not be stubborn." "Ok. Text me his number and I'll give him a call." you sigh. "That is exactly what you said last time. I'm telling you, this guy is the real deal. Trust me on this. Please give him a call." "Ok, I will. I promise. Alright, I gotta go pack. Talk to ya later, Y/F/N." "You better call him. Talk to ya later. Please be safe." "I will." You hang up and go into your room. You get a change of clothes and go into your bathroom to take a shower. About 10 minutes later you emerge from your bathroom, clean and fresh, ready to take on some vampires. You go to your closet, grab your hunting bag that is already packed and ready to go, and walk out the door. As you walk outside, you send a text to your friend to come over before sundown and lock up. You get to your shiny, black 1970 Dodge Charger and put your stuff into the trunk. "Let's go get 'em, baby." you say to your car as you get in. You built your car from just the frame. You start her up, pull out of your driveway, and onto the road. When you get on the highway, you pull out your phone and click on Bobby's number. It rings twice before he picks up. "Hello?" "Hi, is this Bobby Singer?" "The one and only. Is this Y/F/N Y/L/N?" "Yes it is. I am on my way to Sioux Falls now. Should be there in a day and a half, or less." "Alright. You got the address, right?" "Yes I do." "Ok. It's up to you but you can stay at my house if you want while we work this case. There is plenty of room." "Can I let you know when I get there or at least close to it?" "Sure. Fine with me. Gotta go. See you when you get here." "Okay. See ya." You hang up and put your phone away. You are about 16 hours out when your eyes start to droop and your stomach growls. You pull into a Biggerson's, get a burger and 2 cups of coffee, and get back on the road. You drive for 4 more hours until your eyes start to droop again. Alright, I got pretty far. Just 12 more hours. Time to pull over and get some sleep. You pull off the interstate at the next exit and find yourself the closest hotel. You get yourself a room and as soon as you get in your room, you pass out. You wake up 8 hours later, do your morning duties, and check out. You go get in your car, fill up your gas tank, and head out. You drive for 6 more hours until your stomach growls. You pull off the interstate to get food and then get back on. You push the last 6 hours. You decided to just stay at Bobby's house for the time you are in Sioux Falls for the hunt. You pull out your phone and call Bobby. "Hello?" He answers gruffly. "Hi, did I wake you?" "No, I've been up doing research." "Okay, well I am about 10 minutes out. I decided that I wanted to stay at your house while we work the case, if you are still offering." "The offer is still open. Just pull on up to the front and come on in." "Alright. Be right there." You say as you hang up. You go through the city, looking for the street that leads to Bobby's place when you hear a scream. You immediately pull over and turn your car off. You grab your gun from behind your seat and get out of the car. You gently close the door and go to the other side of your car. "AHHHH! Help! Please! Anyone!" A girl screams. You get up and quietly jog closer to where you heard the screams. You stop behind a building and look around the corner. You see a young, blonde girl who is being held by someone in all black clothing with a hood. You think it is just a stranger doing this and that you can save her easily with your gun, but you remember that all of the dead people turning up were young, blonde girls in random places. Shit, this could be a vampire. You curse yourself for not bringing your machete. You think about going back to get it but you know that by time you are back that girl will be dead. You look around for something sharp that you could use as a weapon but you see nothing. You look one more time when you spot it: a gnarled piece of metal. The only problem is that it is pretty close to the possible vamp. Fuck it. You come out from behind your hiding spot and start walking towards the possible vamp and the girl he is holding. "Hey! Bloodsucker! Let her go!" You yell at the vampire. It turns its head towards you and bares its teeth, angry that its dinner was interrupted. Oh yeah, definitely a vampire. It growls and throws the girl at the abandoned house, knocking her out. It runs at you and once it lunges, you jump out of the way. You run and dive for the piece of metal that was your only weapon to kill the vampire. When you roll onto your back, the vampire is directly over you. You grab the metal and swing it at its neck, slicing both of your palms. You successfully aim correctly and slice its head off. "Take that you goddamn bloodsucker. Fuck!" You say as you drop the metal. You get up and look at your hands. There is blood but it isn't too bad. Bobby can, hopefully, fix you up. You walk over to the unconscious girl and kneel down next to her. You check her pulse. She is still alive but her head was bleeding quite a bit. You pull out your phone and dial Bobby. "Where are you?" "Heya, Bobby. Could use some help. I'm on E Benson Street. You'll see my car. It's a 1970 Dodge Charger. I'll explain when you get here. Bring some bandages." "I'm on my way." You hang up and put your phone back in your pocket. In a few minutes you hear a car. You hope it's Bobby and not more vamps looking for their buddy. "Y/N! Where are you?!" Bobby yells. "Over here!" You yell back. Oh thank god! Bobby comes over to where you are. "What the hell happened?!" He asks coming over to you and the girl. "I was driving and I heard a scream. Ah!" You say as Bobby moves your hand to wrap it. "Sorry, it's gotta be done. We'll have to look at it more when we get back to my place. Go on." "Well, I got out of my car and I hid and saw them. I remembered that all the people who were found dead, were young, blonde girls and since she was one, I connected the dots. Well, I made the stupidest idea of leaving my machete in my car and I knew that by time I went and got it, she would be dead. So I looked for a sharp weapon to kill the vamp. I saw that gnarled piece of metal and thought 'fuck it.' I came out and it threw her against the wall. It ran out at me, I moved out of the way, got the metal. When I sliced its head off, it slit my hands. And that's basically it." "Well then. Welcome to Sioux Falls." Bobby says, finishing your bandages, moving to bandage the girls' head. You chuckle then wince as you move your hand. "What are we going to do with her?" You ask. "Can you drive?" Bobby asks. "Yeah." "Ok, the plan is that you are going to take her to the hospital. Tell them that she was attacked and you saved her but the guy got away. Get yourself patched up as well. I'll take care of the vamp. C'mon, I'll get her in your car." "Good plan. Let's go." You say as you stand up. Bobby gets the girl and follows you to your car. You open the door and Bobby puts her in. You go over to your side and get in. You are about to drive away when Bobby looks through your passenger window. "Nice job, Rookie." He says. "I'm not a rookie. I've been hunting for 2 years now." "Compared to how long I have been hunting, you are definitely a rookie." He tells you with a small smile. "Thanks, Bobby. See you at your place." "See ya." He says and you drive away. You are halfway to the hospital when the girl starts to stir. She wakes up and jerks her head up quickly. "Ow! AHH!" She screams. "Hey, hey. It's okay. You're safe. Lay your head back. You most likely have a pretty bad concussion. What's your name?" "Emily. Who are you? What was that thing that attacked me?" "Hi, Emily. I'm Y/N. I'm the one that saved you. Look, this is going to be hard to understand but the monsters you think that aren't real, are real. That was a vampire." "WHAT?! A vampire?! No, there is no way! Vampires aren't real! Neither are monsters!" "Yes they are. I know because 2 years ago, a vampire broke into my house and killed my husband. It was hard for me to believe too. But they ARE real. Look, we are almost to the hospital so I need to tell you what to say. You need to say that you were attacked by this random guy and that I saved you. You CANNOT mention the vampire, okay? They won't believe you, especially with your concussion. Don't mention the vampire to anyone, okay?" "Why can't I tell them the truth?" "They won't believe you. Then once you keep saying it after the concussion wears off, they will think something is wrong and will try to fix you. I wish you could, but I am telling you to lie and to keep this a secret for your own good." "Okay, so it was a random guy that attacked me, I didn't get a good look at him, and keep it a secret, right?" "Yup. I am so sorry this happened to you, Emily." "It's okay, you saved me. So, when you yelled 'Bloodsucker,' you were serious about him being a bloodsucker?" "Yeah. I was serious about that." You laugh. "Thank you so much for saving me." "No problem. It's kinda what I do now." "I'm sorry for your loss." "Thank you." "Can I ask a couple questions?" "There's one. Just kidding. Go ahead." "One, why didn't you just shoot the vampire?" "Bullets don't kill vampires. You have to cut their heads off." "Oh. Okay. Two, how do I protect myself?" "Well you can't really with vampires. If this is the pack that I know of, they should be gone soon. Wish I could tell you that there was a way to protect yourself." "Ok," Emily says before she gasps, "Oh my god! My family must be so worried about me!" Emily pulls out her phone, only to find it is crushed from when she was thrown against the wall. "My phone." "Here, use mine," you say wincing, pulling your phone out of your pocket and handing it to her. She gasps at the sight of your hands. "What happened?!" "The gnarled piece of metal I used against the vampire was really gnarled." "Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left my house and been out. This wouldn't've happened if I had stayed home. You wouldn't be hurt if I would have stayed," she says about to cry, hitting her leg at the end of each sentence. "Hey, stop that," You say. grabbing her hand, halting her intention of harming herself further, "Don't ever do that again. This is not your fault. Don't blame yourself for my injuries. Okay?" "Okay." Emily answers. She picks up your phone and dials her mother's number. She explains that she was attacked and that a girl, named Y/N, saved her and that they were on their way to the hospital. She hangs up and puts your phone in the center console so that you don't have to put it back in your pocket. "They are going to meet us there. My parents want to meet you, to thank you for saving me." Emily tells you. "Alright. I'll be there getting sewn up anyway." "I have another question. Did you wrap your hands and my head yourself?" "No. A new friend of mine, the one I was going to meet when I heard you screaming, did that. I called him and he patched us up. He's taking care of the vamp's body as we speak." "Ok. Tell him I said thank you, please." "Sure thing, kiddo." "I'm 16. Not a kid." "You are younger than 18. For me, that makes you qualify as a kid. How about this, you're a kidult?" "Okay, I'm a kidult." Emily laughs and agrees. You arrive at the hospital, go into the ER, and you walk up to the receptionist and put your hands on the desk. "Excuse me?" You say to the nurse. She looks up and jerks back as she sees you and Emily. "Oh my goodness! What happened to you two?! Come on, I will take you both to a room." The nurse says. "I was out walking when I was attacked by this random guy. He had a knife to my throat and I screamed. Y/N was driving by when she heard me scream. She parked on the side of the road and came over to see what was going on. She started walking towards him and he hit me in the head to knock me out. She fought him but got her hands sliced by his knife. He ended up getting away though. I didn't get a good look at his face." Emily explained. "Me neither." "Oh my. So your name is Y/N," the nurse says pointing at you, "and your name is?" "Emily. I'm 16. I called my family on the way here. They are on their way." Emily answers. "Alright. Here we are. Let me go get a doctor to patch you up better. Your injuries are just your hands?" The nurse asks you. "Yes." You answer. "Do you have any other injuries besides your head, Emily?" "Um... I don't think so. My right shoulder hurts a bit though." Emily answers. "Ok be right back." The nurse says and leaves. "Good job with the explanation. Do the same thing with the cops." You tell Emily. "The cops?!" Emily asks. "Yeah, of course. You were attacked by a random person. Don't worry. They won't bother you much after you tell them you didn't get a good luck at the guy." You assure. "Okay." The nurse comes back with a doctor pretty quickly. The doctor is halfway done patching Emily up when Emily's parents come in. They immediately go over to Emily and hold her hands. "You must be Y/N, the one that saved Emily?" Emily's mother asks you. "That would be me," You answer. She gets up, comes over to you, and hugs you. "Thank you so much! Thank you for saving my baby." She tells you, tearing up. "You are welcome. I'm glad I was able to." You answer, smiling. Emily's mother gasps when she sees your hands, "Oh my goodness! Your hands. You saved her while being hurt in the process? How can we repay you?" "It's not a problem. You don't need to repay me." You tell her as you sit down to let the doctor look at your hands. "No really, how can we make this up to you?" Emily's father asks you. "It's okay. Knowing I saved her and a family from grieving is enough." You say, wincing as the doctor stitches your hands up. "How about this, we pay your medical bill for right now? At least let us do that for you." Emily's mother asks you. "Alright. You can do that for me. Thank you." You agree. "It is no problem. You sure we can't do anything else for you?" Emily's father asks you. "It's fine. I'm sure." You assure them. A nurse comes to get them and they leave. About 5 minutes later, the doctor is done stitching you up. You have 4 stitches in your right hand and 3 in your left. The doctor tells you how to dress and redress your wounds and to be back in about 2 weeks. You get up and go to the front desk and get your prescription for the antibiotics you have to take. You go out the door and enter the ER and see Emily, her parents, and Emily's younger sister. They get up and walk you outside to your car. "Thank you again, for saving her." Her parents say. "Thank you for saving my big sister." Emily's little sister says. "You are very welcome." You say to them. Emily walks up to you and hugs you. "Thank you for saving me from that vampire. I'll keep this a secret, I promise." Emily whispers into your ear. "You better." You say pulling away. They start walking away. Emily turns around and waves. "See ya." She says. "See ya, kidult." You say smiling. She laughs and gets into her car. You get into your car and drive to Bobby's. You try opening the door but it hurts your hands. You then kick the door with your foot. "Why are you kicking my door?" Bobby asks you from behind you. You yelp and turn around, "I thought you were inside and I can't open the door." Bobby steps in front of you and opens the door for you, "I'm not gonna wipe your ass for you." You step inside, laughing, "Hahaha, very funny. Where am I sleeping?" "C'mon." Bobby says leading you upstairs and into your room. "I thought you were getting rid of the vamp body?" You ask. "I did." "Here?!" "Yeah. Do you know how many non-human bodies are here?" "I'm gonna go with, a lot." "Bingo. Alright, get some sleep. Night." Bobby says, leaving. "Night." You say back as you lay down. You pull the blanket over you and you're asleep before your head hits the pillow. ~~~~

You wake up in pain because of your hands. "Damn you, vampire." You say to yourself as you sit up. Damn it, I have to go get my luggage, you think. You get up to go get your luggage out of your car when you see your stuff at the foot of the bed. Hm, Bobby must have brought it in. You change into new clothes and go downstairs. "Mornin', rookie." Bobby says. You sigh, "I'm not a rookie. Good morning to you as well. Thanks for bringing my stuff in." "No problem. It's not like you could've done it with your hands." "I would've found a way to manage. By the way, Emily told me to tell you thanks for patching her up." "Sure you would've. She with her family again?" Bobby asks. "Yeah, she's as safe as she could be in this world." You answer. "Good. There's cereal in the kitchen." "Ok." You walk into the kitchen and make your cereal without too many difficulties. You take your cereal to the table and eat it. After you are done, you wash it and put it away. "What's the plan for today?" You ask as you go in the living room and sit down on the couch. "For me, going to the police station to find out what they know. For you, resting here." Bobby explains. "What?! No! I am NOT staying here while you go out and fight the bloodsuckers. No if's, and's, or but's about it. I'm coming with you." You argue. "Y/N, your hands-" "Will be fine! I can at least listen for the time being." You interrupt. Bobby sighs, "Fine. Do you have a pantsuit?" "What? Why?" You ask, confused. "We are going undercover as FBI agents. Speaking of which, I need your ID so I can make you a fake FBI badge," Bobby explains as you look at him like he's crazy. "What? How did you used to do it?" "I had one of my friends hack into whatever database I needed information from. I also know people that are everywhere that most likely owe me for something and will get me what I want. Also, I broke in." "Well, they don't always use computers so we have to talk to them in person." "True. I do have a pantsuit with me luckily even if I have no idea why I brought it." "Alright, give me your ID so I can make you a fake badge." Bobby tells you. You hand him your ID and go upstairs to change again. You change into your pantsuit, put your hair into a braid, and go back downstairs. "Ready. Is the badge done, Bobby?" You ask. "Yeah it is, here." Bobby says coming from behind you. You yelp and turn around. "Stop doing that!" You tell him snatching the badge and looking at it. "Wow, it looks so real! Nice job. You gotta teach me how to do that." "Let's go. I'll-" Bobby's phone rings, "Hold on." Bobby answers his phone and you try to listen to his conversation but you only hear his side of the conversation. He hangs up and turns towards you. "Alright, change of plans. Apparently, there were more vamps out last night other than the one you got, there's been another killing, we're goin' to the crime scene." Bobby informs you. ~~ At the crime scene ~~ You and Bobby get out of his car and go up to the officer in charge. "Excuse me, we're Agents Riggs and Johnstone from the FBI. We're here to help with the murders. Mind if we take a look?" Bobby asks the officer. "Agents, I'm Sheriff McCoy. A couple of your agents are already here but you're welcome to take a look. We could use the help." Sheriff McCoy answers. "Alright, thanks." You and Bobby start to walk to the house. "Wait, there are real FBI agents here? Do you really think that this is a good idea?" You ask, panicking. "Nah, they're most likely hunters. You really think that the FBI would come for this case? Highly unlikely." Bobby says, opening the door for you. You nod, agreeing. When you walk in there are a couple of police officers and two people in suits talking to another police officer. One of the suited men was shorter than the other, had short hair, and had green eyes. The other suited man was taller, with longer hair, and kind eyes. The shorter one noticed you, and Bobby, and nudges the taller one. "You know them?" You ask Bobby. "Yeah. They're Sam and Dean Winchester. They're some of the best hunters I know. They can help you find the vamp pack that you're hunting as well. You can trust them." "Okay. I guess they can help." You say as they dismiss themselves from the police officer and walk towards you and Bobby. "Agents, nice to see that there are more of us. Looks like there is more than one murderer this time around. The victim, and the other three, were completely drained of their blood. The only thing weird thing about this, was that there were marks on their foreheads, drawn in their own blood. You guys see it before?" Sam explains, showing you and Bobby the picture on his phone. You gasped, recognizing it. It was an ankh. "You see this before?" Bobby asks you, but you don't answer because you are having flashbacks. It was the same, exact symbol left on Anthony's forehead when you found him. "Huh? Oh, um, yeah. I've seen this before on the other victims' foreheads." You stutter out, looking at the body and walking towards it. All you're seeing is Anthony's body, lying there dead, eyes still open. **** FLASHBACK **** You walk into your home that you share with your husband, Anthony, calling out that you are home. "Tony! I'm home!" You call out, walking up the stairs. You are about to call out again when you notice the table next to the banister has been knocked over. You walk quieter towards the bedroom that you and your husband share. You walk in and gasp at the sight of Anthony lying on the ground, his head turned towards you, and staring at you with lifeless eyes. You want to scream, go help him, see if he's dead, anything but you can't. You're frozen in place, staring at his eyes. "Tony," You whisper, "NO! No, no, no, no! TONY! Please god, no! Don't leave me!" You scream, rushing towards him, picking his lifeless body up, and hugging him to your chest. "Please. Don't leave me. I love you. Please. Tony. Anthony!" You cry out, breaking down in tears. You lift his head up and put one last kiss on his cold, unmoving lips. "I love you, so, so much," You say closing his eyelids, "I will, get whoever did this to you. I promise you." **** FLASHBACK **** "Agent," Bobby tries calling, "Y/N." You hear him but you can't answer because you can't move, your mind providing the image of Anthony, dead, staring at you with lifeless eyes. A single tear falls out of your eye. "Alright, let's go." Dean says touching your shoulder. You gasp and flinch away from him, wiping the tear away, and come back into reality. "Uh, yeah, okay. Let's go." You say, walking away and out of the house, clenching your fists. The boys glance at each other but follow you out. "Is this your car?" You ask Sam and Dean, pointing to the Impala. "Yeah." Dean answers. "Nice. I got a muscle car myself." "Really? What kind of muscle car is it?" Dean asks, interested. "1970 Dodge Charger." You answer. Dean whistled, "Wow. You gotta let me see it." Dean says impressed and slightly, extremely intrigued. You chuckle, "Alright, on one condition." "What?" Dean asks, warily. "You gotta help me find the pack that killed my husband two years ago." You say, not being serious but some part of you is serious. "Done. I'm sorry about your loss." Dean says, agreeing. "Me too," Sam adds, "I'll help too. Besides you don't really get him without me." "Really? And thanks." You ask, surprised. "Yeah, it's kind of our thing. And no, I'm not doing it just to see your car. I'm doing it because you've probably been doing this since he died and you haven't caught them so-" "Hey, I haven't caught them because everytime I get close, they disappear without leaving a trace. And trust me if there was a trace, I would find it. I know people everywhere." "I wasn't saying that you were a bad hunter, I was saying that we are most likely better than you since you have been hunting for just 2 years. We've been doing this for a long time, basically our whole lives. Well, my whole life." Dean says, looking at Sam at the last part. Sam gives him the best bitch face you have ever seen. "Alright. Where do you guys usually start?" You ask. "Wait, one second. Y/N, how did you know that a vampire got your husband?" Sam asked. "Well, his body was completely drained of blood and there was a bite mark on his neck. I mean I didn't know vampires really existed but I went to a library, found a book of monsters that was pretty different from the vampires in movies. I knew they were real when it showed a picture of their fangs and it looked like it would be something that would make the bite mark on Tony's neck. Alright, so, again. Where do you guys usually start?" "Well, we usually talk to the people who knew the victims, see what they know, and find connections. You said that this is a pack's doing?" Sam explained. "Yeah, the ankh is their symbol. I've tried finding a place, or anything, that involves this exact symbol (Picture of ankh here) but every time I came up with nothing. I've literally checked everything everywhere across the states, Canada, Mexico, Europe, Asia, Africa, and everywhere else. Nothing." You answer. "You have connections everywhere, don't you?" Dean questions. "Yup," You say popping the 'p', "comes in handy more than I thought it would." "Okay then. I'll check my contacts, see if they know anything. You three go and talk to the people who knew the victim." Bobby instructs. "Alright. Y/N, you wanna ride with us or go get your car?" Dean asks you. "I'll ride with you." "Alright, let's go." Dean says, unlocking the Impala. You guys get in and get on the road. "So, who are we going to go talk to? The mother, father...?" You inquire. "Daughter," Sam answers, "Parents are already dead. The wife is away on business. She should be back by tomorrow. We'll talk to her then." You freeze. Daughter? "How old is the daughter?" "16." Sam answers. "Okay." You reply, trying to calm down. Poor girl, you think, losing her father at 16, practically being alone right now. You are too busy trying to calm down to notice Dean looking at you through the mirror with a concerned expression. Sam and Dean look at each other, seemingly having a whole conversation with one look. About 5 minutes later you are jerked out of your mind as the car stops. "Alright, we're here. Let's go." Dean says getting out of the car. You and Sam follow him out and start walking towards the building. "You good?" Dean asks you, quietly. "Yeah." You reply, not as convincing as you wanted. "Hi, we're FBI Agents Turner, Young, and Johnstone. We're here about the murder case with the victims completely drained of blood. We're here to talk to the daughter of the most recent victim." Dean tells Officer McCoy. "Alright but go easy on her, she's been through a lot. I doubt she will talk though. She's been silent. If you don't mind, it would be better if just two of you went in. Just so she isn't too overwhelmed." Officer McCoy told you three. "Alright, you two go. I'll go see the bodies," Sam tells you and Dean, looking at Officer McCoy for confirmation, continuing when she gives a nod, "Alright. See you later." "Alright. Officer Murray," Officer McCoy calls, proceeding when he looks at her, "Take these two to the room we have Haley Foster in." "Yes ma'am," Officer Murray says, "Follow me, please." You and Dean follow him down the hallways and stop at the door. "She's in here, Agents." Officer Murray tells you two. "Thanks, Officer." You tell him, following Dean into the room. "Hello, Haley. We're FBI Agents Turner and Johnstone. We're here to ask you a few questions about your father." Dean introduces, looking at the young, blonde teenager. "We are very sorry about your loss." You tell Haley. "Thank you." Haley says quietly, putting her head back down. "Do you want to tell us what you saw?" You ask, sitting down in front of her. Haley shakes her head 'no.' "Are you sure?" "You won't believe me." Haley says. "Haley," Dean says and Haley looks at him, "You can tell us what you saw. We'll believe you, no matter how crazy or weird it sounds." Haley sighs, "Ok. I was at home, watching TV on the couch and my dad was in the kitchen making us some popcorn when the door busts open. A person runs at me and I scream. My dad runs in and jumps at the thing on top of me. They fall on the floor and my dad yells at me to go upstairs to my room. I do what he says and I dial 911. Suddenly, it goes silent and I try calling out for my dad. He didn't," Haley sobs, "He didn't answer. I crept downstairs and I didn't see the intruder so I went around the couch and," Haley sobs again, "He was just laying there, looking at me. I froze, I wanted to call out for him but I couldn't. I wanted to go to him but I couldn't move my legs. He reached out for me and I finally ran over to him. I saw that there was a bite mark on his neck so I got a towel and tried to stop the bleeding but," Haley stops and starts crying. "Haley," You say, "Haley, look at me," She looks up at you, "We are going to get whoever did this. I promise you." You tell her, gently placing your hand on top of hers. "What made the bite mark on his neck? The cops keep saying it wasn't a bite mark, that it was from a knife or something. But I know what I saw. I know it sounds crazy and that you won't believe me," "Haley, " "that I'm crazy but-" "Haley," You say and she stops talking and looks at you, "We believe you. We actually believe you. We are not just saying that to shut you up, ok? We believe you. You know what you saw." "You- You believe me?" You nod, "Wow. Okay. So, I'm not going crazy?" "No," You chuckle, "You aren't going crazy, I promise." "Well, whatever did this, whoever did this, we're going to get them." Dean assures her, and you have a feeling he is talking to you too. "Alright, we gotta go but if you think of anything of importance, call us. No matter what time it is." Dean says handing her a card. "Oh! There is something real quick. That mark on his forehead, the ankh. I've seen it before." "What?! Where?!" You ask frantically, wondering how you didn't find it but she did, "Was it the exact ankh you saw on your father's forehead?!" "Yes and I am positive it is the exact ankh. I," Haley sighs, "My friend, Jade, showed me this website. It has to do with extremely weird people who have extremely weird piercings and tattoos and modifications. Basically, they wanted to be vampires and stuff like that. I swear, she did not do this. The person was too bulky and tall to be her. That ankh means vampires. A bunch of people who believe in vampires, and want to be one, have that tattoo. Please, I know it wasn't h-" A woman with blonde hair and a fancy outfit bust in and headed straight for Haley. The woman hugged her and kept saying 'I love you so much' and 'Are you okay?' and 'We'll get through this.' "Um, I'm fine mom, I love you too. Um, Agents, this is my mom." Haley says. "Hello, I'm Victoria. If you are done, I am taking my daughter with me to my sister's house." Victoria says, walking towards the door with Haley. "Um, Mrs. Foster, we still need to talk to your daughter." Dean says. "Why? She didn't do anything. She was as much a victim as her father. I'm taking her, now." Victoria says still walking towards the door. "Mrs. Foster, I know you and your daughter have been through a tragic time and I know you want to go and grieve, but we still need to talk to your daughter, please. Five minutes at most. I, too, have lost someone close to me in a tragic way and wanted to be with loved ones but I had to talk to the police as well. Mrs. Foster please. This could help us catch who killed your husband faster. Bring you at least a little bit of closure." You say as a last try. "Fine. Five minutes. Then I am taking her with me." Victoria says letting go of Haley and walking out of the door. "Wow. I'm impressed. Usually no one can convince her to do anything she doesn't want to do. I'm guessing you want to know where to find Jade so you can ask her more about the sign." Haley says and Dean nods his head, "Alright, she lives two houses down from me. Tell her I said I sent you and to actually cooperate or I will use the photos against her. She will most likely talk to you after that. She doesn't really like cops after they arrested her for a robbery she didn't commit because of the way she looked. Now, because of that she can't go to Yale." "Alright, thanks, Haley. Thank you for all of your help. Remember, call us if anything comes up or you need anything, alright?" You tell her. "You're welcome. Thank you for believing me. I hope you catch whoever did this." Haley says and walks out. She goes to her mother and leaves. "Alright. So, off to the friend?" You ask. "First, let's go see what Sam found." Dean says and leads the way out. You and Dean go down to the morgue and go up to Sam. "Hey, so Haley told us that the symbol meant vampires. Basically, everyone who believes in vampires, or wanted to be a vampire, had this mark tattooed on their body. Her friend, Jade, showed it to her because her friend is apparently into this stuff but not so much that she was one of the people who had this tattoo. When we are done here, we should probably go talk to her." You explain. "Alright. So get this, as you can clearly see, the rest of the victims were young, blonde girls except for Edward Foster. So, I was thinking that maybe..." Sam starts. "The vamp was going for Haley, who is young and blonde, but when Edward came to attack him and Haley went upstairs, the vamp decides to just take him and leave Haley." You finish and Sam nods, "But why not take both? I mean if it could take Edward then taking down Haley would be a piece of cake." "I don't know, but we'll find out. Alright, let's go and talk to the friend," "Jade." You inform, "Yeah Jade. See what she knows." Dean says. "You two can go talk to her. I'm gonna go back to the motel to do some research." Sam says. "Alright, we'll drop you off on the way." Dean tells him, turning towards the door. You and Sam follow him out the door and outside to the car. You and Dean drop Sam off at the motel and drive over to Jade's house. When the two of you get up to the door, Dean knocks on the door. A minute later, a teenage girl with black, purple, and blue hair  wearing all black clothing opens the door. "Who are you?" She says. "Are you Jade?" Dean asks. She nods. "We're FBI Agents Turner and Johnstone. We're here to ask you about the Foster family and a certain ankh." "What? I-I didn't do anything wrong, I swear. Please don't arrest me and take me to jail." Jade says, panicking. "Hey, hey. It's okay. We're here to talk to you, that's it. We're not here to arrest you. I promise." You assure, calmly. "Okay, sorry. I just-" Jade starts. "...got arrested for something you didn't do and don't like cops. We know. Haley told us you wouldn't like us because of that. But I promise that we aren't here to arrest you. May we come in?" You finish. "Yeah." Jade says, backing up and opening the door wider. "Thanks. So Jade, we'll just get right to the point. Have you seen this exact ankh before?" Dean asks, showing Jade the picture. "Yeah. People who are obsessed with real vampires have that tattooed on themselves because they think it will make them one in the afterlife. Not the Twilight vampires or any stereotypical vampires with 2 fangs. They say that these ones have a mouthful of sharp teeth that are kept in their gums when not being used. Also, they sometimes keep-" Jade explains before being interrupted by Dean. "Whoa, whoa. How do you know all this?" He asks. "Well, I've done research on the ankh, I've looked at stuff about this online, old folklore and stuff like this. Why?" Jade gasps, "Is it real?! Is it?! Is it?! Is it?! That would be so cool! Well not for the victims or the people who become a packs' blood slave. But it would be kind of cool." "No, it wouldn't. A lot of people would die, a lot of good people! You wouldn't even be able to go out at night! Or maybe not at all without wondering if you would be attacked and had all the blood sucked out of your body!" "Dean," you try. "What would you think if you suddenly lost someone you loved to a vampire?" "Dean," you try again. "What if you go out for a walk or you're walking home and suddenly there is a bloodsucking monster grabbing you, putting his hand over your mouth, and biting you on your neck?! Would it be cool then?!" "DEAN!" You yell. "What?!" He yells back, angrily. "Go outside and come back in when you're calm again!" You tell him. He looks at you for a few seconds before grunting and going out the door. "What was that about?" Jade asks. "Just a small rage burst. He's had a rough few days. Sorry about that. So about the Foster's..." You explain. ~~~~ About 10 minutes later ~~~~ You walk out of the door and to the car, seeing Dean sitting in the car. You get in and sit there for a minute. "What was that?" You ask, quietly. "She thought that it would be 'cool' if those type of vampires existed. They are not 'cool!' They are extremely dangerous to people if you don't know how to deal with them! They-" "Stop! I fucking know that they are dangerous! Did you just happen to forget who you're talking to?! What happened to me?! If you did, I'm so fucking surprised that you're a hunter! Or actually, that you are still alive! All I wanted to say was, yes, you're right. She shouldn't have thought that it would be cool for those vampires to exist. But that doesn't give you the right to yell at her, telling her that people she loved would die because of them, that she would die because of them! You could have easily left it at people dying. She would have figured out that it meant her as well. Let's just go." You finish ranting, crossing your arms over your chest, watching your hands. It takes a minute but what Dean says next, surprises you. "You're right." Dean says and you look at him, surprised. "I just lost it. I shouldn't have yelled at her. I should have just left it alone. I guess seeing someone that actually likes vampires, made me flip out. I'm okay with the typical Twilight or movie vampires but these. I don't know what happened. That's never happened before. Well, in a long time. And never to a teenager, just adults. Alright, let's go and find out what Sam found out. " Dean finishes, starting the car. "Okay then, now that that's settled, while I was in there, she gave me all the websites, names of books and other stuff she found information about vampires on." You explain. "We'll have Sam look at those when we get back." "Why can't we do it? Why does Sam have to do all the research? Do you not do research?" You ask, confused. "You can, I'm not gonna. It's not my thing." Dean answers. "Then what do you usually do while Sam is researching?" "Talk to more witnesses, family, locals. See if anything's happened that usually happens when there is a pack in the area and ask questions about the victim. What, did you used to do research and hunt all by yourself?" "Well, sort of. I have friends that can give me the information I needed and if they couldn't because, let's say, needed a book. And the libraries near them didn't have it. They would tell me the name and I would see if the book was where I was and do the research myself." "You have a lot of skilled friends, don't you?" "Yeah. They help me because every single one of them wants whoever, or whatever, killed Anthony, dead. Even if they aren't a major friend, like just an acquaintance or something. They think that he didn't deserve to die and that I didn't deserve to lose him. They want to help me hunt it, in the field, but I won't let them get killed as well." "Good and bad decision. Good, because you don't want them to die. But bad because what if you get killed? You don't really have anyone backing you up." "I won't die. Trust me. I probably rank above you and Sam. I-" "Woah, woah. That's a pretty big 'probably.' Above me and Sam? You're that good?" Dean asks, disbelievingly. "Yeah. Why is it so surprising to you? I swear if it's because I'm a girl, I will-" "No! No, that is not the reason at all! It's just, you only started hunting 2 years ago." "And? How do you know that I wasn't doing anything before I started hunting that involved extreme strength, speed, and fighting in general?" You defend, looking at Dean. "I don't! It's just kind of surprising, that's it. I wasn't trying to offend you in anyway, I promise." "Sorry, it's just. I've met a lot of hunters, or actually men in general, that couldn't believe that I was better than them. Until they asked to fight me. Then they learned their lesson. I'd say that I have made way more than half of them cry, a lot." "It's fine. It can be tough to be a hunter, especially if they are female hunters. Nice job, though, setting those jerks straight." Dean says, raising his hand for a high-five. "Uh. Kinda can't give you a high five." You say, showing him your hands. "Right. Nice job." Dean chuckles before tapping your shoulder. Dean turns the music on and Old Time Rock & Roll by Bob Seger comes on. "Yes! This is my song! Turn it up please." You say, grinning. Dean turns it up and looks at you, fondly, as you start singing the words while looking out the window. Dean starts to have some unexpected feelings that he has rarely felt for you. A little something called, love. He looks back at the road, listening to you sing, glancing your way every now and then for the rest of the ride back to the motel. ~~~~ "Whatcha got, Sam?" Dean asks, coming through the door with you following him. "So get this, as far as I can tell, there is no connection except that all the victims are young, blonde girls. And according to Y/N, the pack doesn't stay anywhere for long. Y/N, do you know approximately how long they stay in a place?" Sam explains. "Usually for a couple weeks. And they've been here for about a week." You start. "So we have a week to get them before they leave." Dean finishes. "How long does it take before they show up again?" Sam asks. "About a week but they go like across the U.S. so by time we get there, we have like a week. Well, unless you fly but I'm not a good flyer." "We don't fly either. How do you know that it's the pack you're looking for?" Dean asks. "I know people, like, everywhere so they can confirm it wherever. They report to two of my people that are close to me and they tell me." "Well, you got quite the operation going, don't you?" Dean inquires. "Alright, we got a week to find and kill these sons of bitches before we gotta wait a week to find them. Sam, you got anything else?" "No, not really. These vamps are good. They definitely know how to stay off the radar. I can-" Sam says before being interrupted by your phone ringing. "Sorry, I'll be right back." You say, taking your phone out and walking out of earshot. "Hey, Y/N. We got another girl dead near you. I'll send you an address. But they slipped up. They had their phone on and I got a signal. I'm tracking it now. I'll send you where it is now." Y/F/N says. "Are you serious?!" You say loudly, attracting the attention of the brothers. "You, my friend, are amazing." "Oh, I know. Go get those assholes, Y/N." Y/F/N replies. "You bet I will." You say before hanging up. You stand there for a minute before you jump up and down, yelling 'Yes!' "What's got you so happy?" Sam asks. "My absolutely wonderful genius of a friend gave me some amazing news. Bad news though, is that another girl was killed. Good news about it though, this vamp was stupid. Their phone was on and my friend got a signal. They are tracking it as we speak and is sending me the address of the vamp and the victim." You answer, grinning. The two brothers start smiling. "Let's go get these sons of bitches. I'm gonna call Bobby so that he can go to the crime scene." Dean says, getting his phone out. He calls Bobby and when he asks you for the address of the victim, you tell him. "Alright on the way to the nest, we need to go to Bobby's for my car." You say. "Alright, let's get changed and then head to Bobby's." Sam says, closing his laptop. Sam heads to the bathroom to change. "Uh, I can step outside if you want to change now." You suggest. "Nah, I'll wait for Sam to get out." Dean says. "So, do you actually have a house or are you just on the road?" "I got a house in California. You?" "Nah, always on the road. What are you going to do once we get the pack?" You give a heavy sigh, "I have no clue. I've been hunting this thing for so long, I never thought about it. I don't know if I can go back to my old life after this." "Go back to your life. Don't keep hunting. If you can get out of this life, do it. Hell, if I had the chance to get out, I would." Dean says seriously. "But would you be able to be comfortable with it? Be able to just quit hunting forever?" "I don't know. I've been hunting my entire life. I would probably still hunt, just not as much as I do now." "That will probably be me." "But you haven't been hunting as long as I have. You can get out. You can live your life without all this." "No, I wouldn't be able to. I know about this stuff now. The worry, the stress that comes with this won't leave me. Especially since it has happened to me before." "Will you at least try to get out? If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your family." "Maybe." "Ugh, you are so stubborn!" "So are you!" You say, huffing a laugh. "True. Promise me something." "What?" You say warily. "If I get out, you get out." "Alright. I promise. You have to do the same. I get out, you get out." "Okay." "Say it." "I promise." "Okay, good." You reply, smiling. The both of you don't have time to say anything else before Sam exits the bathroom. Dean gives you one last look, grabs a change of clothes, and goes to change. You look at Sam and is somewhat surprised at his outfit. "What?" He asks. "Oh, nothing. I just didn't really expect you to be a plaid kind of guy." You reply. "Every hunter has at least one plaid shirt. Do you not have a plaid shirt?" Sam asks. "Uh, no." You answer, causing Sam to gasp dramatically and put his hand on his chest. "How dare you?! How do you not have a plaid shirt? I am getting you at least one when this is all over. No exceptions." Sam says seriously. You laugh, "Okay. Fine." "What even is your wardrobe?" Sam asks, not letting this go. "Uh, black shirts and jeans with a leather jacket." "But no plaid?" You chuckle, "No. No plaid." Sam squints his eyes, "I don't understand you." "Well, it's not like there is a manual for this and I wasn't taught by another hunter. And if I was taught by a hunter, or if I did read a manual on hunting, I'm pretty sure that having to have at least one plaid shirt would be in the lesson." "Oh yes it would! Plaid is our culture! I'm rarely not wearing plaid. Unless I'm in some type of costume." Sam defends. You bust out laughing and Dean comes out of the bathroom. Proving Sam right, he is wearing plaid. "What did you tell her about me?" Dean asks, looking at Sam. "Nothing. She's laughing at my love for plaid and the law that hunters have to have at least one plaid shirt." Sam explains, causing you to laugh even harder. Dean gasps, "You don't have plaid?!" You're laughing so hard but you manage to say 'No.' "Y/N! I am getting you a plaid shirt when this is all over. No exceptions." Dean says seriously. "Already said that Dean." Sam says. "Well, she needs a backup." Dean says. By then you've calmed down and stood up. "Alright. Let's go." You say, still chuckling. ~~~~ Once you guys get to Bobby's, you go in the house and change. When you get out, you see Dean running his hand over your Charger. "This is your car?" Dean asks. "Yeah. Built her from the ground up." You say, laughing as Dean's eyes pop out of his head. "You built her from the ground up?!" You give him a look. "Sorry." "It's fine." "Where have you been all my life?" Dean murmurs quietly, though you still hear him and smirk. "You can drool over her later, we should go. I'll lead." You say, walking around Dean and getting in your car. When you start your car, Dean feels as if his knees are going to give out. Dean shakes his head and gets into the Impala. You three head out, towards the nest. ~~~~ Arriving at the nest, you find out that it's an abandoned warehouse. The three of you get out of your cars and open your trunks, causing you to wince. Dean whistles at your collection of weapons while you look at his. When Sam clears his throat, you two are jerked out of your admiration of each other's weapons and start to get your machetes out. "Ready?" Dean asks. "Ready." You and Sam reply. The three of you walk to the door, weapons ready and adrenaline flowing. Dean pushes the door open slowly and Sam walks in. You follow him and Dean is right behind you. The three of you spread out, ready to take out however many vampires there are. You soon notice that all of the vampires are young, blonde girls. You all look at each other and when Dean nods his head, all of you cut off the head of the closest vampire next to you. Once those vampires are dead, the rest wake up and charge at you guys. You three start chopping vampire heads off left and right. Suddenly, there's a vampire that you didn't see coming and it grips your hand hard and throws you, causing you to cry out. Your cry attracts the attention of Sam and Dean. Dean looks over and sees you on the ground with a vampire coming towards you. "Y/N!" Dean yells, trying to make his way over to you. He soon gets over to you and raises his blade. "Messed with the wrong person." Dean says, chopping off the head of the vampire that threw you. You get up and put your machete into your left hand, even though your left arm isn't as strong as your right. You still try and kill the vampires but you are slower now. Out of the corner of your eye, you see someone that looks familiar move towards the stairs. You start to make your way over to the stairs. "Y/N! What are you doing?!" Dean asks, confused on why you are going towards the stairs. You don't hear him as you continue towards the stairs. You finally get to the stairs and you start up them. When you get up the stairs, you see a figure looking out the window. "Who are you?" You ask. He turns around and the ankh on his forehead looks like it was burned on. "I'm the alpha. The one that turned all these girls. The one," He smirks. "that turned your husband." "No. My husband is dead. You killed him." You say, trying to keep it together even though there are tears in your eyes. "No, you see. When I sucked all of his blood out and used his own blood to draw this," He points at the ankh on his forehead. "on his forehead, he became mine. He became, a vampire." You couldn't believe this. You wouldn't believe this. "No. You're lying!" You say, trying not to cry. "Oh, am I?" He says before motioning for someone to come in. Who comes in, what comes in, shocks you. A vampire that looks just like Anthony comes in, the ankh a scar on his forehead. "You got two options. One, you die. Two, and I think you'll like this one, I turn you into a vampire. You can be with your husband again." The Alpha says. Without noticing, tears start rolling down your face. What were you going to do? You won't be turned into a vampire but you don't want to die. You wipe the tears away and look up. The darkness in you comes out. I won't die. You start walking towards the Alpha. You think that if you kill the Alpha, the humans-turned-vampires' souls might return to normal and go to heaven. "What's your decision?" The Alpha asks, smirking. "Three, I kill you and every soul goes to heaven." You say darkly. "Basically option one. Get her." The Alpha says and your once human husband snarls at you. He charges at you and you use his body weight against him and throw him over your shoulder. Your move doesn't buy you a lot of time as he gets up and goes at you from behind. He takes you down and holds you down, using his weight advantage against you. You look him in the eye. "Anthony. Don't do this. This isn't you. This isn't you. I know you. This isn't your soul. I know your soul. Please. I love you. Please." You beg, the tears falling down your face again. You think that he's about to rip your throat out when he leans down to your ear. "I love you too. Go get him." He whispers and gets off of you. You jump up and throw your machete at the Alpha vampire's throat, cutting its head off, Sam and Dean coming up the stairs to see you do it. You watch his head fall, loving the shocked look on his face. You look behind you, towards Sam and Dean before looking at your husband on the ground. You rush towards him and hold him against your body. "No, please. I can't lose you again. Tony, don't leave me again." You sob. "You aren't losing me again. You're just seeing me one last time. I love you, Y/N." He says quietly. You sob, "I love you too, Tony." His body starts to glow a bright white and he starts to float towards the window. You stand up, wiping the tears off of your face. Dean comes up behind you and places his hand on your shoulder. You turn around and hold onto him. You try not to cry again as he holds you back. You pull back and wipe at your eyes. "Thanks you guys for helping me do this. I doubt I would have been able to do this alone." You say, taking deep breaths. "We were glad to help." Sam says softly. "If you need anything, give us a call." Dean says. "Likewise. Alright, let's clean up." You say, going to get your machete out of the wall. "I got a question. How in the hell did you throw your machete that hard to get stuck in the cement wall?!" Dean asks. "I was angry." You say, shrugging. You yank your shoulder out of the wall and wipe the blood off on the vampire. Dean's mouth hangs open for a minute before he goes downstairs to help Sam. ~~~~ The three of you end up at Bobby's to have a few drinks to celebrate. "Alright, I'm gonna have to stop with the drinks 'cause I'm gonna have to celebrate with my family when I get back to California. I gotta go get packed. Night guys." You say, getting up and going towards the stairs. You get up to the room and you get halfway done when there's a knock on your door. "Come in." You say, not looking. Dean walks in and sits down on the bed. "Hey." You say. "Hey. So, you going back to regular life?" Dean asks. You sigh, "I'm gonna stay in my house for a while. Probably going to figure stuff out and wing it like I've always done." There's silence as you finish packing. When you're finished, you sit down next to him. "Y/N, I know that it is not the right time for this but I don't know when I'll see you again, if I'll see you again." Dean says and you look at him. He puts his hand on your face and presses his lips against yours. You are stunned but you soon relax into the kiss and start to kiss him back. After a few more minutes of kissing, you pull back, breathing hard. "Wow. You're right about it not being the right time but I don't regret it. This may be the only time I have the chance to kiss the one and only Dean Winchester." You finish smiling. Dean chuckles, "Yeah and this may be the only time I have to kiss the one and only Y/F/N. When are you heading out?" "First thing tomorrow at 8." You reply. "I'll be here to say goodbye." Dean says, standing up. You stand up with him. "You better." You say, opening the door. "Goodnight Y/N." Dean says, kissing you one more time. "Goodnight Dean." You say, watching him leave. You put your suitcase on the floor in front of the bed and lay down. A few minutes of  remembering the feeling of Dean's lips on yours, you fall asleep.

~~~~

You are heading down the stairs with Bobby in tow, carrying your bag despite your protests. When you get to the bottom of the stairs and look in the living room, Sam and Dean are standing there. "I'm gonna put your bags in your car. Keys?" Bobby says. "Thanks, Bobby." You tell him, throwing him the keys. He nods and walks out of the door. "Hey guys. Come to see me off?" You say, smiling, going over to them. "Of course." Sam answers, giving you a hug. You then give Dean a hug and move back. "Alright. There's something you're not telling me." You say, pointing a finger at them. "Well, we said that we would do it." Dean says, reaching behind him and grabbing a gift bag. "Here." You reach out and grab it, "I swear if this is what I think it is..." You take the red and blue tissue paper out and start laughing at what you see inside. Sam and Dean start chuckling as you laugh. "Oh my god. You didn't. I am so done." You laugh, pulling out the contents of the bag. "We told you that we would! You aren't a real hunter without one." Sam laughs. In your hand were two plaid shirts, one red and one blue. You laugh even harder. You calm yourself a little to where you are just chuckling. "Thanks you guys. This is amazing. I will make sure to wear these." You tell them. "You better." Dean chuckles, pointing a finger at you. "Just so you know, I am now going to get a lot of weird looks from my friends because of these shirts." "Just say, 'I'm a hunter' and walk away." Sam suggests. You laugh, "I'll make sure to do that."

You put the shirts back in the bag and walk over to them. You give Sam another hug. "Don't be a stranger. Keep in touch." Sam says into your ear. "I will if you will." You say back, pulling away. You go over to Dean and hug him. "Remember our deal." Dean says quietly. You huff a laugh, "You too." You pull back and start walking towards the door. You walk out and go over to Bobby, giving him a hug. "You're always welcome and call if you need anything." Bobby tells you. "You too, Bobby." You say, pulling back. "Thanks for the help you guys." "No problem." Dean tells you. "Glad we could help." Sam adds. You smile and get into your car. You start it and roll your window down. "Take care of yourself, rookie." Bobby teases you, smiling a little. You chuckle, "You too." You rev your engine and start the long drive home.

Hey guys, I hope that you guys liked this! This fic can also be found on my AO3 (Latishiante1001) so go check that out as well. Part 2 will take a while to come out because I have to do a bunch of episodes of season 4 and it takes about 1-1.5 hours for one episode (depending on how many important scenes there are). It will also come later because school for me is starting back up so that will slow my writing down as well. Thanks for reading!

Tags are OPEN!!

[paniccord-ff]

4.

Having this apartment to myself is a blessing, I get to rest without my brother or any of his friends annoying me. Placing my plate on the table in front of me, I can say I enjoyed my own cooking today. Grabbing my glass of wine and sitting back on the couch, when I watch shit like this it always makes me think if prison is really like this, I would probably someone’s bitch in there “ugh, stupid bitch Piper” she gets on my nerves at times, to be honest these bitches get more action then I do. Sipping my wine, I need this wine after today. It’s hard saving lives I guess but it was a good day, I always question myself do I really want this but after all the hard work this is a blessing and I am happy. Looking down at myself, I should have really changed out of my uniform, luckily I have a fresh pair in my room but I was just wanting to leave that place, Bailey has been off work for a week. She did reply to one of my texts so I have been stuck on lunches with Daniel but he has been ok, not made any stupid suggestions as of yet but he keeps questioning me about Chris, I think he likes him more than I do, his gay self. Giggling to myself, he really likes Chris.

Stifling out a yawn, I am on my forth episode. Laying down on the corner couch, I must not fall asleep here because I can only imagine if Nathan brings his stupid friends home. The thought seeped into my mind once again, the point Daniel made about Chris wanting me to be one of his hoes, he said I am too good for him which was cute for him to say but I am not that big headed l to think that. I just want to meet a guy that likes me for me, not because of my eyes or how I look which Chris is looking at that. He has the cheek to text me an hour after to say send me a selfie, I ignored it but then he text me again saying sorry, I am being too quick. I was so confused, he has these outbursts and then apologises, but that is what he is used too. The females would have sent him a nude but not me, I don’t think so. He has been texting me, I give him stupidly blunt answers and he wanted me to come to his house and then he called me stuck up so I stopped texting him, what a blessing that was.

Feeling my head vibrating, blinking my eyes open “shit” I said to myself, seeing the TV switched off, and then looking at my body and the blanket on me. I fell asleep, reaching my hand under the pillow pulling my phone out, seeing the caller I.D. I am not ready to deal with Chris right now, luckily the call ended. I sighed out, looking at the time on my phone “damn” its two thirty in the morning, let me take my ass to bed. I need to wake up at seven, my phone vibrated in my hand again “he doesn’t give up, god” sitting up on the couch and pushing the blanket off my body, Nathan must be home. Stretching out my body, that felt good and Chris is still calling. Answering the call, this is the first time I have spoken to him on the phone because like I said, I ignore most of it “hello” oh god, my voice is horrible. I sound like a man “oh, was you sleeping?” he is clearly alive and doing his thing “kind of yes” scratching the back of my head “can you tell?” I sound horrible, I can’t even clear my throat because that is not lady like “a little, my bad. I don’t know why I called you so late, you usually ignore me” forget it, let me clear my throat “what makes you think that?” clearing my throat “because you been doing it since I got your number, I been thinking about you though” getting up from the couch “well, I can’t say the same but I know someone that is” let me just go to bed “oh really, who?” he questioned “Daniel, maybe you need to drop your number to him” Chris chuckled.

“You got jokes, let’s meet up though. I am free to anything, we do it on your terms because clearly you don’t listen to me” I am glad he is learning, he wants to meet up. Pulling a face “are you still there?” the phone went ever so silent “uhh yeah, well I am busy” am I really blowing him off “you being stuck up again” he spat, I scoffed “this is why we don’t get on” clearly I am not for him “you can’t say that, look. This shit is different for me too. You right, I get you. I can get any pussy right now but I want you, I just honestly like you, please give me a chance” I always feel guilty, closing my bedroom door behind me “what is my name on your phone? Be honest” he questioned so randomly “Maurice” I answered simply “I see, at least it ain’t asshole or something like that. But if you didn’t want to give me a chance then why did you name me Maurice on your phone” why is he like this “you know what, I can meet you. Starbucks in the morning at eight thirty” I am being awkward “which one?” he won’t come, he will be sleeping “138 central avenue” I picked the most busiest one so hopefully he will just say no, he does things at night “cool, you better get some sleep then” I was about to say that to him “bye then” I am half way taking my bra off right now “goodnight” he said so sweet, why is he being like this. The call disconnected and all I think is why me.

Luckily I don’t need to be in work until ten but I am behind schedule, I need a coffee and some me time, Starbucks and a book before work. Banging my car door shut, I usually come here about eight thirty but I am a little late. I didn’t have time to put makeup on, I only go to put my foundation on and do my eyebrows, not a great look with this uniform on. Not to mention the mess of my hair, my life is always a mess. Fixing my bag on my shoulder, I hope the queue is not long today. Stopping outside the door waiting for the guy to leave, he held the door open for me instead “thank you” flashing him a smile “pleasure” the older white man said, pervert I mentally said to myself. I look disgusting so I wish nobody looks at me.

Stood behind a few people, staring at the cakes in the window. They look delicious but I don’t need it, I did just have some toast but I am craving something sweet. Shaking my head looking away, let me not do that “hi, can I take your order?” the lady spoke smiling “hi, can I have a large caffe latte” she wrote it down “oh and sorry, make it a large” opening my bag, please let me have my purse with me “I’ll pay for this” I froze staring down into my bag, looking away from my bag and looking behind me “oh” is the only thing I said, my plan didn’t work “your name?” the lady said, turning my head towards her “Rylee” I spoke, what is he even doing here “I want this” he placed the bottle of water on the counter, this is so awkward.

I am actually sat across Chris, luckily upstairs in Starbucks it is really dead so nobody is here. Looking around us “you didn’t expect me to be here” he broke the silence between us both, he flashed me a smile, it was so cute “uhm no, honestly I expected you to be asleep. I look a mess and you’re sat across me, oh my god” hitting my forehead with my hand “you don’t look a mess, since when did you care if you look good? I feel you don’t like me anyways which I like” he is right I don’t “that is true” is the only thing I said, he got me there. Staring at the wall smiling “only shit like this happens to me, I always embarrass myself” Chris smiled at me, staring at me like he is enjoying this “you haven’t, you just didn’t think I would meet you. I don’t play around you see, I get annoyed because I can’t have my own way with you which makes me want you. I try and forget you but I really like you Rylee and I wish you would just let go” furrowing my eyebrows “let go? Chris I read everything, I hear so much about you” he shook his head “see you wrong there, you read the shit but did I do any of it? Not everyone with me I fuck, they are just there for my friends. I am wanting to get to know you, I have never done anything like this. I have never done this honestly, you’re beautiful though” he is making me blush now, looking down at my latte wide eyed.

What is life right now “you never know we might not be well matched” he shrugged “every girl you have been with have been in the same position as me, got in your life for being beautiful” Chris sniggered “you right, I won’t fault them. They are beautiful but they was open to every homie, I like the chase with you. I like that you look at me like I am an asshole, I just like the difference” tilting my head “do I have anything good besides the looks?” he keeps saying all the bad things about me “you’re beautiful, you won’t let me get to know you. I think somewhere you want to give me a chance, all I am saying is that you need to overlook what you see. You can call me Maurice, I don’t mind it” hearing my phone ringing in my bag, his eyes not leaving mine as I leaned to the side of me to get my phone. Why am I staring at him like he is me, blinking my eyes away to look at my phone “can I?” holding my phone up, he nodded his head.

I wish I didn’t say yes to Rylee picking that phone up now, it’s that stupid nigga on the phone. Sipping my water staring at Rylee in annoyance, placing the water bottle down slowly. I could be doing this all wrong, maybe I am approaching this wrong but I am doing what I know, I am used to getting it easy. I can’t believe I am sat in Starbucks in the morning, I don’t know what it is but I feel something. I just can’t let it go, she barely needs makeup and I know behind this persona she is a good person. Just that I am an asshole and I do have females, well I have had a lot but I need to somehow show her that I am not like that, I want to try this “yes whatever Daniel, speak soon” Rylee disconnected the call “sorry” she said to me, I stayed silent because she don’t need to be sorry “I know I say this a lot, I am going to say it again but why me?” shifting in the chair, I don’t know why that group of people has sat so close to us. Bringing myself closer to Rylee “when I first saw you, you got me from there. I just want to get to know you, do it the real way” she don’t believe me “Chris Brown? The man with all the girls in the world wants little old me? A random girl from New Jersey that is a regular person, a nurse. You don’t want some girl with a big booty and titties? I find it hard to believe” biting on my bottom lip as a smile grew “I am a normal guy too you know, this is me. A normal nigga from Virginia, its lonely being Chris Brown” I sighed out “I can only imagine” I have no idea what I am doing with myself here, maybe I am a little out of my depth.

“You not going to drink that?” pointing at her Latte “must be cold now but because I paid for it, you need to drink it” we have been just sat in silence for so long “I was just daydreaming, don’t worry. I will drink it but I was thinking” I feel a little deflated because I have messed this up “let’s start again, I was being a bitch to you. Sorry, it’s just so hard to believe” watching Rylee take a sip of the latte and pulled a face “that I am a normal guy too? Just I have that attraction to you, but like I said we might not even be good for each other” behind all this fame I am just a normal guy, she needs to accept that “I’m Rylee” she said, squinting my eyes at her in confusion “you really need to get your own thing, I did that to you” shaking my head laughing “I’m Maurice” Rylee pulled a face “no, don’t. Just be yourself Chris, you made the effort of coming here in the morning. The least I can do is give you the chance” my face softened “is that because you feel sorry for me?” she shook her head “one Chris point for you” she held one finger up, raising an eyebrow “how many points until I get sex?” she put her hand down gasping “let me actually make that half a point, just because you said about my nipples that night” she reminded me “look, I just got excited” defending my actions, the cutest giggle left Rylee’ lips.

I am happy I got Rylee to smile “you ain’t answered my question, what do points get me?” I need to know this “some Rylee time and ten points does not get you sex” holding my hands up “understandable, so when do I get to see you next. Out of your work uniform” even though she looks so good in it “I don’t know yet, but you know what Chris. I am going to leave it to you, surprise me” I wish she didn’t “oh shit” rubbing my head “you tell me when you are free?” she looked down at her watch “I am late” she shot up, I got up from my seat “weekend, I am off” picking up my bottle and her latte, stepping closer to Rylee as she turned around from picking her bag up. She hit into my chest “oh, this is close” she always does this cute face, it is like she shouldn’t be doing this but she is “you taking this with you, I paid for it” she side eyed me taking the cold cup.

I am walking behind Rylee for a reason, her booty. She is funny though, she is cussing herself out for being late “is that your car? It’s a nice car” I said, she turned back to look at me “really? Compared to your beast” Rylee retorted. I smiled, looking ahead of her “watch-” I said about to grab her but she already hit into the street light “ahh, my face!!” she held her forehead “oh shit, you good?” trying to contain my smile, she turned around to me “go away, you’re laughing” she hit my arm “no, don’t be like that” grabbing Rylee’ arm before she walked off again “cool it” pulling Rylee into me, she moved her hand away from the side of her forehead “I think it is a little sore but you will live” she sighed out “I feel stupid” moving my hand away from her arm “you legit made my day, sorry. You’re funny. Are you ok to drive though?” Reluctantly I touched her forehead, thinking she was going to move her head away but she didn’t, feeling the lump “that hurts and stop wiping my foundation off” she said, moving my hand away and looking at my fingers “it’s still on and look” showing my fingers “nothing came off” I want to laugh so much at her stupidness, but I can’t right now.

My arm resting on Rylee’ car door “so the weekend yeah?” I said, Rylee buckled herself in “yeah, just nothing dangerous. I can’t deal with walking right” placing my hand over my mouth “you can laugh if you want” letting out a low chuckle “sorry” moving my hand “this what happens when you run away from me and then side eye me, I hope your head is ok though” she switched the engine on “I should be ok, take care though. See you soon” I don’t want her to go in a weird way, she is just a breath of fresh air, she is not fake and not doing shit to make me happy. Where has this woman been all of my life “text me back though, bye” moving back from the car, closing the door slowly. She really thought I wouldn’t come here, I wouldn’t come to see her when she has been on my mind all that time.

[something-wicked-sims]

Dear Jade, I am writing this to ask a few questions I've had regarding writing in the sims form. How would someone start one of these sims stories? And how would someone keep it from becoming flat, and continue writing it past writers block? Some tips on developing a character inside the story would also be fantastic. Coming from someone who has only written novels and poetry, any advice on writing short pieces to go with photos is greatly appreciated! Sincerely, Mel. PS: This is 100% Real

Wow Mel, hit me with the heavy questions why don’t you Q_Q But you know, as someone who also made the switch from novel writing to sim story format, I kind of know where you’re coming from. Hence we begin…

Jade’s Mega-Fantastic Tips For Adapting to Sim Story Format 

#DearJade to block, as this is an extremely LONG post. 

Disclaimer: These tips don’t apply to everyone. The general rule of simblr is to have fun and DO WHAT YOU WANT. This advice is only really aimed at people who are serious about the craft and want to improve on their writing and how to present it in this medium. Not everyone takes it this seriously, and not everyone needs to. But for those of you who are looking for more direction with your writing, this is my personal, and humble advice. The fact that I titled this “mega-fantastic” was 100% sardonic. I’m just a chick on tumblr. I have a B.A. in English with a focus on creative writing, and nearly 6 months of simblr experience. These are my only qualifications. So, with that being said, don’t listen to anything I say from this point onward. 

How to Begin:Everyone’s writing processes are different. Some people like to map things out, while others tend to go with the flow. If your goal is to write some sort of cohesive linear storyline, and not just sporadic bouts of gameplay, then it’s good to have at least an idea of where you want to end up. Some point to make within your story, or some goal for your main character to accomplish. That way, all the things you do between point A and point B will have a similar thread, and you’re less likely to get lost on random tangents. 

General writing tips: Start with something interesting! Introduce your new characters in an exciting way. If you’ve never heard the phrase “in media res”, now’s a good time to learn it. Start in the middle, at the beginning. It’s nice to already have something going on at the beginning of your story, and don’t put too much time into explaining who all your characters are, what they do, what they like… right up front. It will engage people with your story more if you start off with action instead of description. 

Presentation: Since you’re writing a sims story, you have to think double time. Here, writing is only half of the work. Which is why simblr writers really don’t get enough credit! Think about how you want your scene to reflect in photos. The first sims story I did, I made the mistake of writing it in it’s entirety as a novel, and then having to take “necessary photographs” to go with each scene. I ended up with a great deal of pictures of people walking around aimlessly, or standing in the same room talking, or sitting on a chair talking, or on a couch talking… You get the point. You can still write as a novel and adapt it (which is still what I do), but I would recommend writing your scenes with your blog in mind. Think  “This scene could happen in their kitchen, but what if I moved it to a park instead?”, better scenery, probably more angles/more things to look at. Try to be creative with your screenies. Experiment with different angles. Think about your favorite movies, and the ways they are filmed. Try to incorporate those elements into your pictures. Sims stories have a certain cinematic quality to them, so write with that in mind, because how interesting your photos are will draw more people in to read your writing. Trust me. 

Character Development:Understand that the vast majority of sim stories and legacies unfold over enormous amounts of real life time. If you’re afraid of longterm writing commitments, you should probably run away screaming! No, I’m kidding (kind of), but they are huge commitments. I know people who have been writing their legacies for years. My first sims story took four months to complete and was around 75,000 words in its extracted tumblr form. My point is, it’s going to take a lot of time. Which is great! Because character development takes time. My advice for adapting character development to sims stories is to make sure every scene has a point. If you want to make a post just for fun, that’s great too! But when it comes to scenes that move your plot forward, answer the question “What does this accomplish?”, “Why is this particular scene necessary?”, “Would the story be the same if this didn’t happen?”. 

Simblr writers can spend hours putting together a post. I would think that is a pretty accurate statistic. From the writing, to building the set, clothing your sims, downloading CC, posing them, taking photos, and then editing the photos, each 3-4 pictures you take for a particular scene probably consumed precious long minutes of your life. So make sure that it’s an important scene that you’re spending all this time on. And, of course, just like most anime fans will tell you, FILLER EPISODES SUCK Q_Q (Not always. But sometimes). Anyways, sim story format sometimes forces you to consider what is vital to a story and a character, as we usually make posts to highlight specific moments in our sim-babies lives. I think development is really inherent to this medium, so I wouldn’t worry too much about if your character is developing or not.

General writing tips:

Dialogue is important!

How your character reacts to things is important!

Formatting:There are many different ways to format your sim story, and none of them are wrong. Do what you are comfortable with. If you’re coming from writing novels or short stories, then paragraph format is a great way to go. You can do caption writing, which is writing your text (typically dialogue and similar to playwriting in effect) directly onto your screenshots. You can do textual playwriting, which would be to have short exposition to setup a scene followed by tagged dialogue:

Maria: I went to the store yesterday.Bob: Really? What did you need to get there?Mari: Oh, I just had to pick up a few things for the party Saturday. 

These are the three most highly used formats I have seen used on simblr. I think they all work great, and you can even mix them. Just do what you are comfortable with and what you prefer. Don’t try to stretch yourself to change the style of your writing just to match what other people are doing. 

General writing tips:

One thing I will say is to be wary of your Point of View (or PoV). If you are using multiple PoV’s (as in you swap them between posts) then you should label whose PoV it is for your readers (I do so in my tags), if you use captions, usually changing font color to depict two or more players is the way to go. If you would like to switch PoV within the same post, I recommend using third person point of view e.g. “Bob walked here. Maria said this.”

And how would someone keep it from becoming flat… As I mentioned above, the best thing you can do here is just to make sure your scenes are vital to the plotline, or character development in some way. Don’t bog down your stuff with useless scenes, if your goal is to write a cohesive story. There is a #ts4 gameplay tag for a reason. It is not the same tag as #ts4 story, and people who follow one tag, may not necessarily want to follow the other. As a reader, I’m interested in the storyline. Is your character involved in some shady business? Are they going to find out that their loser husband is cheating on them? I don’t really want to see three different posts devoted to your sim cooking eggs for breakfast. SORRY. #justiceforeggs

General simblr tips:

@medleymisty has recently incorporated the usage of #simnovel for longer text posts. I think this is an excellent step forward for hobby sim story writing. So you can use this tag if you thing it applies to your work!

….and continue writing it past writers block? I can’t answer this! I am not a magician, unfortunately. Sometimes inspiration comes and sometimes inspiration goes. Writers block is a legit thing, and if I had a super-fix for it, I would hand it out lovingly to the world’s writers. But since I don’t, I will say that you shouldn’t pressure yourself ahead of time. Don’t think you need to post regularly. Go at your own pace. If you need a break? Take one. Just bounce right on out the door. I hear there’s a new Mass Effect game out. Go play it! Tumblr will still be here where you come back. 

Remember, this isn’t your job, it’s a hobby. As for how to get inspired or stay inspired, I really feel motivated to work on my sim stories when I am having fun, either playing the game, or putting together some scenes. So just have fun with it. Make Pinterest boards. Dudes, Pinterest is so great for writers, utilize it as a tool! Make character boards and pin things that you remind you of your babies and go look at the beautiful pictures when you’re feeling stuck. Share your boards, too! Lots of simblr’s have pinterests and you can follow them, they’ll follow you back, it’s great. Fantastic. But yeah, just have funnnn and do your thing and when you’re not feeling it, don’t try to force it, because you’ll just regret it and start to resent your stuff, and it’s just a bad time. 

This concludes my massive wall of pretentious text.

[violetemerald]

So the tumblr mobile app is really frustrating me these past couple of days but…

for this: http://luvtheheaven.tumblr.com/post/159203462757/jerseydevious-ricobrzenskas-hypocean

I got two asks. One I accidentally answered privately despite a really long answer I meant to have be public. Great. Stay tuned to see if I can get it back from the person I sent it to via copying and pasting.

And the other…

@traumacarriedsara asked me the other of the two “asks” I received about this… and THANK YOU. This was too much fun lol. (BTW I’d happily do this again and much much shorter once you catch up on Legends of Tomorrow…) I had a lot of fun with this, saved it as a draft, and… lost it. Maybe I sent it privately by mistake *again* just like the other, I don’t even know…

So… idk what’s going on but let’s just create a text post, shall I? I still have the whole post because of the magic of copying and pasting and me having prepared this time to maybe lose it... lol

Character Aaron Hotchner from Criminal Minds, you say?

Headcanon A: what I think realistically

Headcanon B: what I think is fucking hilarious

Headcanon C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

Headcanon D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

…

Well really, almost all my Hotch headcanons are some combination of the A, C, and D types.

I think they wouldn’t realistically call it that, but David Rossi and Aaron Hotchner are straight (albeit Hotch I think has a more specific type or might lean demisexual) yet they are clearly in a queerplatonic relationship with each other. I’m talking way beyond typical best friends. They have each other’s backs at work and for home life. They know each other’s secrets and hardships. Rossi helps out Hotch with practical things whether it be coaching Jack’s soccer team or helping him go into Witness Protection in the new season. In general Rossi has been painted as everyone’s protector on this show but especially Hotch’s because Hotch helps protect everyone else and doesn’t have anyone else to particularly look out for him. That being said, I like to headcanon that way more than on the actual show, there have been times when Rossi needed things and Hotch goes above and beyond to help him. There’s hints of it anyway but I imagine also that there are times when maybe Hotch has acknowledged to himself, even, however more difficult it is… acknowledged to Rossi! just how important Rossi is to him.

A headcanon that amuses me a bit that I often think about while rewatching the show is that Hotch is in love with JJ. Usually not heartbreaking although… I think if it is requited at all it’s mutual pining at best.

I believe Hotch and Beth wouldn’t have broken up.

I headcanon that until Beth, the only person he’d ever slept with was Haley. They met in high school after all.

I strongly headcanon that Hotch grew up in an extremely complicated abusive situation and only Rossi knows these kinds of details about his past, although the rest of the team are good at their jobs and have plenty of suspicions. It doesn’t work with canon exactly UNLESS I really force it but I’ve been taking notes in my rewatch and so many little things about Hotch add to my thought process about what could’ve happened to him, and I’ll try to write a Hotch fanfic at one point.

Part of what doesn’t work with canon is that his parents, either of them, abused him. Because of the way he talks about his father’s (contradictory two different causes of) death, and after Morgan prompts him in a season 7 episode, his mom too. (She made him good breakfasts and he serves the same to Jack.)

I have concocted an elaborate headcanon for myself in the meantime where Hotch’s father kidnapped, sexually molested, took out rage, and probably killed random kids and Hotch was “only” a helpless witness for some of this, his father’s main form of abusing Hotch was subjecting him to watching this happen to others. This man was the epitome of psychologically abusive to his own family, to his wife/to Hotch’s mom, to Aaron, to his brother Sean but maybe *only Aaron* ended up really knowing a large chunk of the horror.

By high school or so Hotch and Sean ended up luckily in a new home or perhaps separate homes. I forget the age difference between them but Sean is a lot younger so I’m thinking Aaron was in high school and Sean was… very little. The people Hotch chooses to consider Mom and Dad are his adoptive or foster parents. They might’ve been an older couple when they took him in which is why they died before the show started…

I imagine the horrible things that he watched happen to other kids but that didn’t happen directly to him make Aaron constantly feel that he’s lucky, that any trauma he’s endured is nothing compared to the horror others have had to survive or others didn’t survive at all. I imagine his extreme involvement in cases involving trying to rescue children from monsters is not just inspired by his own feelings of love for his own son but much more than that by many memories. I take little moments from the show for his character and interpret how they’d fit in with this, like the way Hotch is often the one doing CPR on children at the end of an ep if there is a child…

Since you, @traumacarriedsara, and I already discussed seasons 1-3 Hotch moments from angles of him being abused I’ll start with some season 4 ones. Hotch tells Morgan at the end of 4x01 that the fact that he’s alive, his own life, means a lot to him. It seems like a significant and oddly vulnerable moment. This is the aftermath of the explosion and an episode where Hotch tries so hard to save a friend’s life but unfortunately fails… and then the next episode, Hotch reacts to the bad news that his hearing problems could become permanent with almost no reaction. Doesn’t let it bother him. And he takes risks that hurt his hearing and cause him physical pain like going on the plane anyway, because his job is so important to him? Hotch is also the agent, of all the agents it could’ve been, to in this episode look into the dead baby’s nursery, Hotch takes it all in, then knows to look in the chest with the flowers on top and finds the corpse.

There are more moments I wrote down but I want to skip to a few more pertinent ones:

4x04 Hotch is upset he had talked to the unsub and missed the this was the guy they’d been looking for. He’s driving, rossi in the passenger seat,and Rossi reassures him that it could’ve been any of them. Hotch is still upset about it at the end if the episode though. He bows his head shamefully and Rossi tells him we’ve all been there. Hotch takes it so personally that he couldn’t tell.

4x06 there’s a lot to unpack but… skipping a little… he has to regretfully inform the parents of the kidnapped boy that they did find a preferential sex offender at the funeral but not the person who has their son. The mother asks how many of these people are out there and he sadly and solemnly answers “more than you want to know”. I think it’s interesting how much Hotch gets to be the one dealing with the emotional parents in this episode. Later, the mother grabs the phone from Hotch and tearfully begs thar her son not be hurt. He watches her sadly.

4x09 has so much… Hotch yells at Jordan for lying to a family during one of the worst times of their lives, lying about having a sister who died. He takes it very personally. As he leaves angrily, Jordan turns to Morgan 10:45 and asks him how badly she screwed up. Morgan says on a normal scale of 1-10 probably a 6, but on Hotch’s an 11. For some reason this is a particularly sore spot for Hotch. (This reminds me a bit of the serial killer on death row lying about his childhood and Hotch reacting especially negatively.)

There’s other things I took notes on while rewatching season 4 but I’ll slip just to the simple fact that in 4x17, when asked whether or not he believes in evil,  he gives the in between answer between Rossi and Morgan. He mentions how he thinks we’re all capable of unspeakable things.

In 4x18, the first episode with George Foyet, Hotch chooses to make a pretty long trip to Boston when Shaunessy is on his death bed and it seems like that’s kind of what Hotch tends to do repeatedly, people he doesn’t know well, sometimes unsubs, he still wants to be a comfort in a dying moment if they have no one else. Hotch firmly states “we don’t let them get away with it” and what Shaunessy did was wrong. Hotch clearly and explicitly refuses to make a promise to the dying man that he doesn’t intend to keep. He will tell the victim’s families he’s sorry but not that he had no choice, because Hotch believes Shaunessy did have a choice. But by the end of the episode, after Foyet asks Hotch why more people had to die , trying to blame him, Hotch is strong enough to say “Don’t ask me,  you’re the serial killer”. I think from the perspective that Hotch had lived through his father being a serial killer and maybe his mother letting the guy get away with a lot or even helping, a lot of types of scenes work in a new light. I love rewatching the whole show with this headcanon in mind.

Even 4x24 Hotch stays professional whole anthrax ep and can’t focus on Reid dying either, he draws a firm stance around protocol and around how if there’s nothing more that they as fbi agents can do for Reid, they need to focus on the bigger picture. And it’s practically cold and kind of a contrast to how he has acted in some other episodes, but at the same time I think it’s interesting that he’s got that kind of strength and focus and determination and ability to compartmentalize.

I didn’t want to go into later seasons because we’d be here all day but I do briefly want to mention 5x08, where the whole ep deals with families being murdered again.  I find his argument with Emily about whether or not to show pictures of a dead 12 year old to a serial killer interesting. She says they’re not “just” images and he says that’s exactly what they are!! I could honestly see the scene reversed having worked too. Either character could take the practical, “these are pictures, they aren’t causing additional harm to real people” stance and either could be too blinded by emotion. But like.. considering how protective and viscerally angry Hotch is in cases involving kids… considering this headcanon of mine…

I feel like Hotch is focused on whatever it takes saving children. He stopped being a prosecutor because while putting away the monsters felt good, it always felt like it was too late. He wants to catch them earlier, be a part of literally saving lives in a less abstract way, and while it does upset him if a serial killer gets pleasure out of others’ pain, most of the time his focus is more on trying not to care about what the serial killer feels or doesn’t feel. He is extremely determined in wanting to *practically* figure out how to save the most future pain, save victims.

Now the biggest thing is that however much I try to make it work with canon, this extremely intense headcanon actually doesn’t work with canon, I just believe it anyway. It doesn’t make sense that it would never have come up. Especially with the whole Ashley Seaver arc… It probably doesn’t make sense that Hotch is this well adjusted, even. But… I like to believe it all anyway.

I am exploding with so many thoughts and feelings when it comes to so many characters on this show, really…

[ethelindawrites]

TV Review: BBC Sherlock, Season 4

Heads up, this one is long and chock full of spoilers below the cut. TL;DR – As a long-time BBC Sherlock fan, I am disappointed with Season 4.

I will say upfront that I was able to largely enjoy each episode of Season 4 as I was watching it. The acting was still excellent, and there were certainly scenes and parts of episodes that were fantastic. But once I had seen them all and had a chance to step back and look at the season as a whole, I had more and more problems with it. Ultimately, I am disappointed in the writers for not really living up to their own standards, which they set quite high during the first three seasons.

To be honest, I was worried about this season from the moment that Moffat and Gatiss started making public comments that season 4 was going to be especially “dark.” My worries were not unfounded. Let me see if I can articulate what I mean.

Some stories (whether books, movies, or TV shows) are dark stories. By this, I would generally mean a story where the plot or overall context of the world the story is set in necessitate that bad things are going to happen to many of the characters: some of them may die or be killed; many will suffer violence, possibly very brutal violence, either physical or mental; they may have to make choices or do things that go against their beliefs; a happy ending is not guaranteed.

Season 4 of Sherlock certainly fits this definition. The problem is that, at least for me, the previous three seasons do not set this up. There is nothing in the first nine episodes of the series which necessitates the events of the last three, which is very problematic for the story as a whole.

I would contrast this with a story that is and is meant to be a dark story. I may not have a lot of really good examples here, since I do not myself prefer dark stories and don’t tend to watch/read many of them. From what I know of it, Game of Thrones probably falls into this category. I would categorize much of Anne Bishop’s writing (the Black Jewels series, the Ephemera trilogy) as darker stories, albeit set up so that any happy endings which do occur are earned and make sense in the context of the story. For both of those series, the characters are fighting civilization- or world-destroying levels of evil, and so the fact that a great deal of suffering occurs is expected and makes sense in the context of the story. In the realm of movies, V for Vendetta comes to mind. The characters are fighting a brutal dictatorship, and must become brutal themselves in many ways, in order to survive and accomplish their goals. Here again, the darkness of the story is expected, and fitting.

The Sherlock Holmes stories do not fall into this category.

There are dark moments, and dark things that sometimes happen, in any incarnation of the Sherlock Holmes stories – obviously, since they are detective stories often centered around trying to solve murders. But as a whole, the Sherlock Holmes universe is not a brutally dark universe, and that is not the tone that the stories take.

BBC Sherlock has been, from the beginning, probably a bit darker take on the series than the original stories were (although not by much, from my memory of reading them some years back). It is more realistic, in a way, being set in modern times, and there were certainly dark parts in the first three seasons (again, murders, plus a crazy criminal mastermind). None of that was a problem, because they still felt like Sherlock Holmes stories.

For whatever reason, Moffat and Gatiss decided that that was no longer good enough, and that season 4 needed to be “darker.” I strongly believe that this was a mistake, and indeed will always be a mistake for any story that is not already set up in a darker world or universe.

In order to achieve their goal of “darker,” the writers seem to have decided that the plot of season 4 should be “make John and Sherlock suffer as much as possible, in every way, conceivable or not.” This goal then trumped all other considerations, including (in my opinion): plot, characterization in general, meaningful character interaction in many cases, and proper closure of various storylines. (Here come the spoilers.)

As best I can tell, Mary Watson is killed (in this manner and at this point in the story) for the sole purpose of making John suffer, so that Sherlock has to suffer in order to get John back. John is (in a manner that struck me as extremely out of character) “unfaithful” to Mary by text-flirting with a random lady on the bus (which turns out to be a setup, of course, but that doesn’t change John’s choices). This out-of-character-ness seems to have been done mainly so that John can feel guiltier when Mary dies so that he can be angrier at Sherlock. John has to be angry at Sherlock so that Sherlock is forced to “go to hell” in order to convince John that he needs John’s help and John should come back to save him.

The character of Eurus, similarly, is introduced solely for the purpose of putting Sherlock, John, and Mycroft through hell in the last episode. She has no other presence in the story prior to this season (that I can recall, someone feel free to correct me if I missed something in the earlier seasons, which is possible), and no other purpose in the story at all.

(I should say that I don’t fundamentally have a problem with the introduction of a third Holmes sibling; the original stories do include a brief mention of a third brother, Sherrinford. Since we don’t actually know anything about Sherrinford, obviously the writers have some leeway in making up this third sibling character, and the gender-switch doesn’t particularly matter. ETA: Apparently, I am incorrect about Sherrinford being canon! My mistake. I'm now trying to remember why I did think it was canon.)

But to make her be a complete psychopath that Sherlock has utterly forgotten about? Whom Mycroft is idiotic enough to keep alive for years after it becomes clear that she is a danger to everyone around her? Who was somehow able to set up this twisted game for them to play, resulting in the deaths of yet more people, which Sherlock and Mycroft between them are not smart enough to get out of?

I’m sorry, but my suspension of disbelief only goes so high.

The first two episodes mostly make sense, inasmuch as they are predicated on what I consider to be the unnecessary event of Mary’s death. There are some continuity issues, specifically from the end of the first episode: Molly gives Sherlock a letter that John wrote him, and Sherlock goes to see John’s old therapist. Presumably these events have some kind of importance, but they are never mentioned again, and do not appear to have impacted the story at all. What was the point of those scenes? Still, the immediate plots of each episode can be followed, and the main mysteries are explained.

For me, at least (and I know I am not alone in this), the last episode does not make any sense.

The whole point of the Sherlock Holmes stories is that we are meant to get an explanation at the end; the mystery is meant to be solved. The Final Problem does none of that. How has Sherlock recovered from his addiction so quickly? How do he and Mycroft and John get out of the explosion at Baker Street without any serious injuries? Why does Sherlock (also rather out of character, in my opinion) ignore John’s “Vatican Cameos” warning? If the airplane is a metaphor/fantasy in Eurus’ head, then who is the little girl that Sherlock is actually talking to throughout her “game”? (Obviously there could be an explanation for this, but that explanation is not given to us, the viewers.) When Victor Trevor went missing, why on earth was a proper search not conducted for him, and why did no adult think to check the well? (Sherlock obviously knows where the well is when he goes to rescue John, so it doesn’t seem to have been a secret.) Why the hell is Eurus still being kept alive after all of this?

None of these things are explained, and we are simply meant to accept at the end that Sherlock starts spending time with his sister in spite of all the evil things she has done, and that everything between Sherlock and John is back to business as usual, with no discussion of what has happened between them, or apologies, or anything. We can, perhaps, assume that they had those conversations, but we are not shown them.

Personally, I liked that Sherlock was more emotional during this season (and to a certain extent in season 3). He is older, wiser, and more understanding that emotion is not the handicap that he once believed it was. Since I’m a firm believer that the rationality-emotion dichotomy is a false one, it was gratifying to see a character learn and grow and move away from that. But given that growth in Sherlock’s character, and after everything they have been through both separately and together, I believe we deserved to see an honest conversation between John and Sherlock about how much they care about each other, and what they wanted from life together going forward. We did not get that conversation, and that is deeply disappointing to me.

Overall, I think it is always a mistake to try and make a story “dark” just for the sake of making it dark. When you do that with a story that doesn’t need it, then you are likely to fall back on making your characters suffer just for the hell of it, and in order to make that happen, the rest of your story will necessarily suffer too. Unfortunately, Season 4 of Sherlock turned out to be a clear example of this.

Okay, I will stop there. I’ve been obsessing about this in my head for several weeks now, so I thought it was probably better to get it written down. Some will undoubtedly disagree with me about much of this, and that’s fine, but I needed to get my own thoughts out. I am still a fan of the series, and would certainly recommend the first three seasons and the Christmas special. I will probably watch season 4 again, just to make sure that I wasn’t missing things that would help to explain some of these issues, but after that, I don’t know how much I will be rewatching season 4.

~Ethelinda