#Right now. Close your eyes and give it 5-10 seconds of rotation in your brain.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Lap Pillow

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[celestialrry]

heart of gold

(this is like a pt.2 to gold rush, also very loosely based off Heart of Gold by Neil Young)

Based off this request!: Aww I loved gold rush!! I lowkey could see a part 2 somewhere down the line.. kinda like time stamps of their relationship... like when they started dating, when their families find out, etc. but that’s just me being greedy 😂😂 love your work!

Thank you so much for asking! Give me more requests! (I strictly write for the readers so I won’t put any names or anything)

2.8k

summary: Harry and you get closer than you both ever thought was possible.

warnings: mentions of alcohol consumption, mentions of sex, fluff

Christmas Eve & Day

After the two of you officially dropped all hate towards each other it was a bit awkward. You both walked back into the living room to join everybody, who seemingly enough, was oblivious that the two of you were on good terms now. This was because you both didn’t say much to each other at all. It had been insults upon insults for the past 3 years or so, and you had no idea what to say. You had to stop yourself from pointing out when he made a mistake in monopoly, and he had to bite back words about the way you were drinking your  wine, even though there wasn't anything wrong with it, he actually found it quite cute. Soon enough, you and your mom had decided to go back home as the snow was building up and it was already almost 10 p.m. You hugged Anne and Gemma goodbye, hesitating before giving Harry a quick hug to which he was pleasantly surprised by. You went home, and all you could think about wasn't how annoying Harry was, but how much you overlooked him. Because lets be honest, you always found him attractive to say the least, and now that you didn't hate him anymore he somehow got hotter. 

After you woke up the next morning and exchanged a few gifts with your mom, both changing into the Christmas pajamas you got each other, you sat at the table, eating the pancakes the two of you had made. You savored the sweet taste of the syrup, and laughed as the two of you sang horribly to Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree. A knock at your door made the two of you almost break your necks turning towards the noise. “I’ll check.” You mumbled, standing up and taking a sip of your water before scurrying to the door. You opened it to see Harry bundled up standing outside, his nose and cheeks tinted pink from the cold. 

“Oh my god, Harry.” You said, pulling his arm and dragging him inside your house. “What are you doing? It’s below freezing outside.”  You asked him, brushing some snow off of his sleeves. 

“I have a present f’you.” He smiled, his dimples popping up, looking you up and down, “I like your pajamas.”

 You smiled at him and bit your lip in an attempt to not roll your eyes. You were about to bite back but then your brain processed his words and your jaw dropped and your brows lowered in frustration. “I- I’m so sorry Harry, I didn’t know we were doing presents, I don't have one for you.” You looked into his eyes. 

“Wasn't expecting’ one, love,” Your cheeks heated up at his words, he never called you that before. He reached inside his jacket and pulled out a little red box, wrapped in a tiny golden bow. “Here.” 

You gently grabbed it out of his hands and looked at it for a moment before looking back to Harry. He was smiling, but you could tell he was nervous from his shaking hands. Or maybe they were still cold, but you wanted to believe the former. 

“Do you want me to open it now? Or-” 

“Y’can open it later, plus I have t’get back to m’mum and Gems, but uh, yeah.” He rushed out. 

“Okay, thank you Harry, it means a lot,” You said, hesitating before pecking him on the cheek again. “Merry Christmas.” 

“Merry Christmas.” He smiled like a fool, giving you a hug before waving a goodbye and stepping out of your house.

You didn't have but two seconds before you turned around to see your mom grinning at you. “What was that?” She asked, even though you knew for sure that she listened to the entire conversation. 

“Um, I don't know.” You shrugged honestly.

New Years Eve 

You looked at your phone buzzing and smiled, picking it up. 

“Hey H.” You said, rotating the ring on your right middle ringer with your thumb. It was silver, with little bears in the detailing. “Hey love, was jus’ wondering if y’wanted to go to a little party with me tonight. It’s at m’friends house.”

Your eyes widened. “Um, yeah sure,” You said, cursing yourself for agreeing too quickly. “Can you send me the address?” You asked. It was only 9 a.m. but still.

“No need, m’gonna pick you up and take y’home and all that stuff.” He said through the phone and you bit back a massive grin. 

“Oh, thank you.” You said, holding your hand out and looking at the ring he got you for Christmas. when you opened it with your mom the second after he left you were surprised to say the least. It was too expensive for you, after your mom recognized it as Gucci, and you had called him afterwards to thank him profusely, after getting his phone number off of the little slip of paper that came in the box as well, with the small note “To being friends :) text me!”

“The least I can do, pet. Send m’your address? I’ll pick y’up 8 sharp.”  

You berated yourself for loving the pet name he gave you, and said you would, as well as thanking him again to which he scolded you for being so nice. After your goodbye’s you hung up, looking at the blank contact photo. I should take one for it tonight, you thought. After you texted him later on Christmas Day, the two of you had been texting back and forth, trying to squeeze 3 years of not knowing each other into a few days. It was difficult but you had learned a lot about him, and vice versa. It was safe to say you were loving it.

Later that evening you had put on your outfit and did your makeup and felt butterflies, of pure excitement of course, when Harry texted you a “Here x.” You answered with a “Be out in a sec!” before grabbing your bag and making sure you had your keys and wallet and everything else before stepping out fo your house into the snow, locking your door and turning around, walking carefully to his car. 

You got in the passenger seat and could clearly see him look you up and down before giving you a big smile. “Y’look really good, love.” You shyly looked away from him before complimenting him yourself. “Thank you H, you look very handsome.” You said, looking him up and down and noting his trousers and button down with sweater vest. 

“Thanks.” He blushed, and this time you weren't annoyed by his reaction to a compliment. He started driving and turned on Fleetwood Mac and this is when you had learned that he was actually good friends with Stevie Nicks, and when he said that you were sure that your brain had actually burst. 

It was enjoyable small talk all the way there and when you pulled up to the massive house, your eyes widened. “Holy shit, who’s party is this?” You asked, stepping out of the car with Harry. 

“M'friend Mike’s. C’mon, don't want you t’freeze to death.” He joked, grabbing your hand and leading you to the front door, making sure you didn't slip on ice. Harry just walked in, pulling you behind him, and you looked around at all the people laughing and dancing to the music. It was more of an adult party, no 20 year old’s grinding on each other and getting absolutely wasted, which you were happy about. Even though you were only 22, you felt more mature for your age.

Harry had let go of your hand at this point, but kept a hand on your back to make sure you stayed near him. He was set on not leaving your side all night, he wouldn’t make that mistake again. Harry was a very open person he liked to believe, and it was very difficult for him to pretend he just wanted to be friends with you. He found you absolutely gorgeous, and even after seeing your worst, he found himself liking you more and more. He would give anything to hold you and kiss you in front of everyone, but it had to be too soon for you both, after all you had been friends for only 5 days now. He supposed his feelings had been building up since he met you, because it was impossible to fall for someone as much as he did you, that fast.

It also didn't help that you were younger than he was. Sure 3 years wasn't that much, but the next relationship he gets into he want’s it to be long term and last, he was almost 30 and felt like he was running out of time.

As people approached the two of you, Harry introduced you as “M’good friend,” and then said your name, after everyone had been asking him if the two of you were dating. His cheeks were flushed as you both denied it, and laughed it off. 

You had been introduced to his friends Sarah and Mitch, whom he had talked about before, and you were truly excited to meet them and get to know them. Mitch was more closed off, but Harry had told you before that it didn’t have anything to do with you and it was just how he was. Sarah on the other hand gave you a hug and kiss on the cheek before complimenting you, which you quickly did back. 

The night was fun, and soon enough it was a few minutes until midnight. Harry had kept his promise to himself, and stayed with you all night, enjoying himself more than he should. He didn't bring you with the intention to kiss you at midnight, although he would love that, and then get in your pants, he wouldn't be complaining about that either, but as it was nearing midnight he started thinking more about it. Your brain was racing as the clock started counting down, wondering if you and Harry would kiss. You wanted to, that much was true, but the question was if he did. 

“10, 9, 8,” Everyone started shouting. The champagne in your system told you to turn to Harry and you looked at him as it started to get to 3. He turned to look at you as well, a smile on his face. “2, 1!” Everyone yelled, and you leaned in as did Harry. His lips slotted perfectly with yours and when you both pulled away you were both smiling too much. “Was that okay,” You started to ask him and he leaned in a bit closer to hear you. “I didn't ask, I’m so sorr-”

You were interrupted by his lips against yours once more, and he pulled away to peck your lips a few more times, his arms wrapped tightly around your waist. You were pretty sure it was okay, now.

February 12th

Harry had celebrated his birthday with a few of his closest friends and his family. It was fun, and he enjoyed the day, but all he wanted was to see you. You had work the entire day and you got off at 10 p.m. so you knew you wouldn’t be able to make it to the party, but after you got off, you drove to his house, not seeing any other cars in the driveway. You had locked on the door and he opened it a minute or so later, his eyes lighted up as you wished him a Happy Birthday and gave him his present. He brought you inside and thanked you with kisses and hugs before opening it to see a new writing journal and a Gucci ring you saved up for. It was the one of the cheapest one they sold, just a silver band with flowers engraved on the band. He absolutely loved it, and wanted to show you how thankful he was, and you ended up spending the night. 

It had been a few weeks since then, and Harry and you had yet to put a label on anything, but he would take you out on dates and cook you dinner, and you did the same for him throughout January and February. Tonight, you had just planned to stay in, already in your pajamas when Harry showed up at your door with sunflowers. 

You let him in and took the flowers, filling a vase with water before putting them in. “Thank you.” You said, giving him a quick kiss. “I didn't miss a special occasion did I?” 

He hesitated before replying. “I hope it would be a special occasion in the future,” You raised a brow before he spoke again, saying your name. “Will y’be m’girlfriend?” 

You smiled and said “Of course.” before kissing him once more. Only a few days later did you accidentally let it slip to your mom before making her vow to wait to talk to Anne about it before Harry told her himself. 

February 21st

Harry was nervous, if that was an even strong enough word to describe the way he felt at the moment. You and Harry had decided to travel back to Holmes chapel to tell his mom the two of you were dating.  That wasn't what scared him though. You had told Harry on Valentines Day when he cooked dinner for the two of you, that your mom already knew. You had agreed on no gifts, but of course you both ended up giving each other flowers and chocolate. 

Harry was scared of seeing your mom for the first time since she learned the two of you had begun dating. It usually took a long time for Harry to ask someone out, the media always found out somehow and he was always scared that as soon as the hate started to arrive they would leave, because they didn't know him that well, so why stay? But it was different with you, he had known you for years, and sure while those few years weren't the best, it was because of a stupid reason on both of your accounts, and once he got to truly know you, he didn't want to wait. 

He was serious about you, and if your mom started to dislike him as your boyfriend, he wouldn't know what to do. As you arrived in the driveway of your house, Anne and Gemma had already gotten there and your mom had told you they would all prepare dinner for your arrival. You could just tell she was itching to tell them, even over the phone. 

As Harry put the car in park and turned it off, he shakily breathed out a little, thinking you wouldn’t notice. 

“Hey, what's wrong?” You asked gently, your hand resting on his arm. 

He thought wrong.

“M’just a bit nervous is all.” He shrugged, trying not to show all that he was feeling at the moment. 

You squeezed his arm a bit too, and brought your other hand to his jaw to turn his head to you. “So am I, but everything is going to be fine. My mom is already in love with us, and I’m sure your mom will be too.” You laughed a bit.

He nodded and gave you a quick kiss before stepping out of the car and grabbing your hand as you walked up to him. You both walk to the door and you knock on the door, waiting out in the cold weather. Harry looked at you before deciding to wrap his arm around your was it instead, in an effort to warm you up. Your cheeks heated up at the gesture and you leaned into him when the door was opened by your mom. She looked between the two of you and a smile burst out on her face as she ushered the two of you in, bringing you in for a hug before hugging Harry and whispering a “I can already tell you make her really happy.” before letting go. he blushed and thanked her softly before she led the two of you into the dining room where Anne and Gemma were already sat. 

Harry had decided to not announce it immediately, and so you were no longer holding hands as you walked into the dining room. They left two seats open next to each other for the two of you and as Harry walked around and greeted his mom and sister, you smiled and said hello to them as well when you sat down. Soon he took the seat next to you and grabbed your hand under the table. 

A little while into dinner, silence fell and Harry cleared his throat, seizing the opportunity. “Um, I just wanted t’say something,” He said not so confidently, and you squeezed his hand. He spoke your name and nodded to you then said, “and I are dating, have been since February 12th t’be exact.” 

You smiled and looked around the table, expected to see shocked faces, but only grins were found. 

“We were wondering when the two of you would tell us!”

Ahhh this was really fun to write! Thank you so much for reading and thank you to whoever asked this (I forgot the @ :( and the message got deleted after I responded to you). I felt kinda eh about this ending but it’s whatever <3

[jay-and-dean]

Firefly  Chapter 5 : Eighteen years old

By Roonyxx and Jay-and-dean

Pairings : future Dean x reader ?

Summary :  40 years in Hell, but he didn’t spend all this time all alone, he had her.

Prepare to know what happened during those years Dean never talks about. To immerge yourself in Hell, only lit by the mysterious kid growing here…

And to see some of your favorite villains again : Crowley, Lilith, Lucifer… And also Sammy and Jack…

Serie Warnings : Hurt!Dean, Hell (torture, even if we tried to not give it graphic descriptions, creepy demons, blood, violence), swearing, angst, future fluff and smut.

This story is in both Reader’s POV and Dean’s POV

Wordcount : 6300 (big chapter)

Note : This is our second collaboration. We can’t both edit the same post, so we decided we would post 1 chapter/2 each, like we did for Same.

We both worked as much on this story and it’s the result of both our brains but also both our hearts.

Please, if you want to show love for this story, don’t forget we were together in this.

This story will be around 10 chapters and we intend to edit it every Saturday if nothing delays it. The story will be on a little hiatus because both @jay-and-dean​ and I are on holidays. Once we come back the story will continue it’s regular weekly edit.

Firefly Chapter 1

Firefly Chapter 2

Firefly Chapter 3

Firefly Chapter 4

Jay’s Masterlist

Roonyxx Masterlist

——————————————————————————

5. Eighteen years old.

When she turned sixteen, Crowley had told her the time of being childish was over, not that she ever had time to be a child. And for once, she didn’t fight him or argue. She had understood that she would never win by being an enemy. 

They had to trust her, to give her freedom and access to the secrets of Hell… 

So she became his apprentice and after two long years of following his rules and pretending to care, she was getting closer and closer everyday to her goal.

Getting out of Hell.

She grew colder with age, serious, harsh, anything they wanted her to be. Some days, she barely remembered it was an act, she was getting used to give orders and look at her surroundings with always the same dark threatening eyes. She was becoming the Queen Crowley wanted her to be. 

But when she visited him, the man she fell in love with years ago, she remembered who she was.

And the demons were falling right into her trap, she had to get close to them, especially her father. Crowley knew the way out, he knew everything about Hell, everything she needed to know. So she played him.

She was sitting on a chair as Crowley explained to her the importance of crossroad deals, she wasn’t really listening as she let her pencil float in circles in front of her.

She could feel the shivers on her back as the door opened, the pencil dropped to the table.

Lilith.

“Crowley, we need to talk,” her head snapped towards Y/n. “Alone.”

Crowley sighed deep.

“Y/n go finish up your work in your room” he snapped his fingers and mentioned to a demon to escort her back to her room.

She held her chin high as she walked out of the door towards her room, the demon hot on her heels.

When, she walked right past her door, the demon grasped her arm.

“Where do you think you’re going, missy.” 

With the flick of her wrist she had the demon pinned against the wall, she stepped closer to him and tilted her head to the side as she could hear the creature whine under her powers.

“That’s none of your business and when you get back you’ll tell them nothing, understand ?”

She clenched her fist, making the creature crack on the inside.

“Y-yes…” it whined.

“Yes who ?” she clenched her fist harder. 

“Yes… y-your majesty.” 

She released the demon and watched him scramble off. She turned around and made her way to Dean’s cell.

She no longer had to sneak around, the story of her taking on Alistair had spread like fire, and her growing attitude was convincing enough, all the demons were afraid of her now. They knew she was strong, that she became stronger every day. She could feel it : the power coursing through her veins. It made her more confident, and merciless.

She reached his door and carefully pushed it  open, a smile gracing her face when she saw him.

Dean.

She was just in time, he was healed and conscious.

He lifted his head, as she came near. 

“Hey Firefly.” 

“Hi Dean.”

Every time she was near him she could feel it, the tickling in her stomach, her cheeks heated up. As fierce as she was, she got a little nervous around him, not much but seeing him always gave her a thrill. Over the years she had noticed how handsome he was, and her thoughts wandered more and more towards him when she was alone, what if they weren’t in Hell, what if she was more his age, what if…  

He sat up against the wall, letting out a deep breath.

“I could swear I heard the demons talk about you the other day.” he said. 

She tilted her head in question.

“The Queen of fire they called you, they seem scared of you. Maybe I dreamed it… I get confused, and...”

She sat down in front of him, she looked down at her hands.

“And you ?” she asked him softly, she was scared of his answer.

“What ?” he frowned. 

“Scared of me ?” she looked up at him, she could feel the tears threatening to spill out.

“No, I’m not.” He shook his head.

She nodded in silence, that was good, she was working hard to be scary, but couldn't bear the thought of Dean being afraid of her.

“You’re growing so fast, Firefly. How old are you ?” his voice contained some kind of disbelieve, like he didn’t realize it had already been around 18 years since he first saw her.

“18.” She said, giving him a small smile. 

“Time down here, it goes so slow and so fast at the same time” he scoffed.

A silence fell among them, he seemed to be better today, he was more alert and could muster up a little smile now and then. He seemed to think hard, she noticed a frown etched upon his forehead every time he tried to focus on something, the moment he was totally there were rare, maybe even more lately.

“Your powers… what are they ?” he asked. 

“I don’t know” she shrugged, she couldn’t tell him she was half demon… then he would be scared of her, hate her at least.

“You seem to be getting stronger.” he said matter of factly.

She nodded, they had to change her chains monthly now, she could break them with a snap of her fingers. Her powers were like a child going through a growth spurt where the parents couldn't keep up with buying new clothes.

Her powers weren’t the only thing changing, her body was too. She grew taller, the childish features were disappearing from her face, and her old dresses no longer fit her more curved body. She was becoming a women. A beautiful one, Crowley said, hopefully beautiful enough for their Lord. 

_______________________

It was evening, at least, she had decided it was. In Hell no sunrise and no dawn, but she had found a little watch, it had belonged to her teacher’s vessel she snatched it off him, along with his arm. It was an old watch, with metal gears and little carved hands. On her desk, the ancient watch was in the center, and Y/n used it to rhythm her days. 

Nine p.m. it said, so she lit up a candle and turned off the other lights. She liked to feel the time, and darkness didn’t prevent her from reading.

She turned the old pages of the huge book she was reading, a incredible boring work about Hell’s places, how many bones were in the columns of the throne room, how the corridors were never exactly the same, how only demons, reapers or angels could find their way in this maze…

She already knew all that.

But at 9:28, as she lazily turned another page, her breath got stuck in her chest. On the yellowed paper, was a painting of the Sky Room, and a title : The Exit. 

She got up, with the book in her hands, reading fast in the dark, walking circle in her room, her purple lace dress flying behind her like the wind had risen.

The Sky Room had been an exit all this time. She had taken Dean so close to the goal this time ! If only she had knew. The book said no demon could use it -that’s why they didn’t really care about the key before Alastair took it from her-, as it worked only for souls that didn’t belong here, or that weren’t perverted yet ? It wasn’t easy to say, because enochian wasn’t easy to understand precisely. 

Dean didn’t belong here, and he for sure wasn’t perverted. Her ? That would be a good way to find out…

With the proper spell, and the key, she could at least make sure he will escape.

She sighed. Two years, two years acting like the perfect little princess to win their trust, two years of hiding the consuming hate and smile, to have access to this kind of knowledge that was hidden from her before.

All her previous researches and tries had always lead nowhere, but that sky… It was her way out, in her excitement, she attracted the little flame of the candle that came gravitate round her like a satellite.

 Alastair had taken back the key, and there was only two choices : Either he had kept it or given it to Lilith. Her heart ached a little at the idea that she walked with the key in her Teddy bear for years.

But she would find it, even if it was the last thing she did, even if she had to burn Hell down.

She took time to memorize every details of the pages about the Sky Room by heart, in case one of them remembered this one was dangerous and took it back.

Then she calmly closed it and put it on her desk, she adjusted the many muslin layers of her long and heavy dress, and started to walk out of her room, with her tiny fire star still rotating around her.

The door was locked and warded, but it opened when she came near. Outside, a huge demon in his true hideous form was guarding her door. 

“You can’t go out” he grunted, drool falling at his feet.

She didn’t answer, but when he lifted his arm to stop her, the little satellite of fire grew instantly, and became a huge and threatening ring circling her, and the demon hissed and growled, watching her sink in the corridors like a raging comet, blood puddles boiling on her tracts.

Dean’s cell was quiet, she stopped before it for a second, at this time of the artificial day, she knew he would be in a bad shape. She took a breath and plunged her hand in the big ring of fire around her, and found the tiny candle flame, she put it out between her thumb and index and the ring died. Darkness falling on her again.

She pushed the door and her bare feet under the dress met blood. Dean was laying on his side in a pool of blood, even bigger than usual, but he seemed to be in one piece... His back was on her, his head limp on the cold floor.

“Dean” she said softly, like she always did, to not frighten him.

She walked to him and kneeled, soaking her majestic dress in blood, and gently took his head in her hand, to put it on her lap.

“Hey…” she said, stroking his hair, but only his eyes moved and his lips were trembling a little. “You’re cold.”

A soft light started irradiating from her and his pupils dilated, heat started filling the room.

“F-firef…” he tried to say, stealing the saddest smile from her.

“Dean” she whispered. “I found it. I found our way out. Do you remember the Sky Room ?”

She felt him tense and hushed him softly, pushing a sticky bloody strand out of his face.

“No Dean, I figured it out” she reassured him. “It’s a way out, that’s why they got that mad when they found out I had the key. There is a spell… I’m so sorry I didn’t know back then.”

He looked up at her, his green eyes highlighted by the red surrounding them, his breathing fastened a little and she gave him a teary smile.

“It will be over in a few days, Dean” she bent to talk close to his ear. “That’s it, we’re going out. I will find the key or burn the door, you will see Sammy soon. In three days, they all leave to Earth, I will take you there and it will be over. Can you hold on three more days ?”

He nodded weakly, and a big tear cleaned a line in the middle of the blood on his temple.

She was watching him, his lips white, his lashes on his cheek since she had closed his eyes to pretend he was sleeping.

The blood had almost disappeared from his face and body, but she was still bathing in it, her dress was two-colored and she was wearing long gloves of his blood. It had been a few hours and her legs were sore, but no place was better. 

He would wake up soon now. 

She smiled down at him, thinking of him running out of Hell under the stars, of his brother’s face when he would meet him again. Would Sam be old ? Time was weird here… He would walk the streets and bathe in sun, he would eat and dance. And maybe, just maybe, she could be by his side, chose a song in one of those jukebox and turn on herself when alcohol would make her dizzy… 

His grunt made the bubble of her dream pop.

“Dean” she smiled softly.

“Firefly” he hummed, grabbing her hand on his chest to give it a squeeze. 

He tried to move but she shook her head slightly.

“Give yourself a minute, Dean” she whispered, seeing him struggle.

He closed his eyes again, still holding her hand. 

She could see the colors fill his beautiful plumb soft lips again and wondered how it would feel to touch them. To touch them with her own… A kiss was a weird gesture, why put your lips on someone else’s ? Why not hand on hand ? Or nose on nose ?... Yet, she would have given her shitty life to know what it felt like to have his lips on hers. 

When she was a little girl, she had started to dream about Life thanks to him, about nature, seeing the ocean, tasting ice cream, wandering in a city, dancing under a storm… But lately, all she could dream of was experimenting this life with him. Seeing the ocean blue reflect in those green eyes, it would make the most perfect color, eating ice cream in a theater with him, walking the streets holding his hand, kissing him under a storm…

“Did I hear correctly ?” he asked, sitting up in a grunt of effort.

“Yes, I found the way out” she nodded, remembering it might not work for her, she felt like she didn’t belong here, but she was also half demon...

“So why do you look sad ?” he frowned.

“I just don’t want them to torture you more for three days” she lied.

She just couldn’t tell him that she might be stuck. If she did, he would hesitate, and she would rather have to be Lucifer’s toy, than know Dean was being tortured forever. 

“Three days…” he gave her the most  tender smile. “I am damned for eternity, and you’re telling me I could go out in three days. That’s... “

He didn’t finish his sentence, his eyes fell on an invisible point on her dress, he seemed different, even more beautiful, his irises bright, his featured softer, lighter… Hope.

Hope suited him so well that she felt her heart flutter. How handsome would he be in happiness ? A wide smile appeared on her face, catching his attention.

“What will be the first thing you will do ?” she spoke, searching his face. 

“I…” he frowned. “I think I will find Sammy and drink a beer.” 

She didn’t answer, just looking at him in awe, imagining meeting Sam herself, tasting beer.

“Do you know where the key is ?” he asked. 

“I have a few ideas, and I can open any locks lately, I got this.”

His lips turned into a smile, a thousand of expressions in his eyes and on the corner of his lips. 

Dean had this way of holding her without reaching out at all, with the warm kindness in the wrinkles at the corner of his eyes, with the moves of his mouth and the worried lines on his forehead. And right now, she was feeling his aura holding her. The learned coldness of her heart melt and the little girl she once was started crying in the pit of her soul.

“And you ?” he whispered. “What do you want to do more than anything ?”

Her eyes dived in the black of his pupils. What she wanted didn’t really depend on her freedom, and there was a big chance she would never be free anyway.

Pushed by an invisible force, or a new courage, she came closer to his face, her thumb coming up to graze the freckles on his cheeks, enjoying the sight of him clean of blood and terror. Very slowly, she bent a little on his face, her lips shyly met his cheek and she barely let them graze his soft skin.

He didn’t say a word, let her move on her knees to gently rub the side of her face on his. For a second, she could hear the nostalgic yet comforting music coming from the jukebox and feel his arms around her. She wondered if that pleasurable dizziness she felt was like the one caused by alcohol that Dean had described ; if it was, she sure understood why people drank all the time.

She felt like she was dancing, at least what she had imagined of dancing, without moving. And the air wasn’t sulfur and blood anymore, it smelled like what she thought a summer night would… She didn’t need more than Dean to feel all of that.

Her face turned slightly, her nose grazing his, and she hesitantly put her lips on the corner of his. She closed her eyes to enjoy the feeling of that feathery touch, imagining all that setting around, with humans and warm lights, music, whiskey, wood, windows and wind, and laughs…

But the scenery shattered when Dean cupped her face with two big confident hands -like no one had ever held her- turned her just enough to line his lips with hers, and put a kiss on her lips.

A real kiss.

His lips were pressed against hers and it felt like their bodies were connected. She started shaking a little, moved by the most intense pleasure she had ever felt and waves of emotions.

He moved an inch back, his lips making a little noise on hers when leaving. So that was the famous sound of a kiss... It tickled a little, but before she could open her eyes, his lips met hers again, this time parting just a little, like he wanted, needed, to capture her own for himself. She parted her lips just enough for him to be able to cage her upper lip between his. Then again, and her bottom lip.

Her arms fell limp on his lap, and shivers roamed her entire body. 

He bent his head slightly to the side and she gasped a little when she felt something wet graze her mouth. It was his tongue.

She parted her lips more, and when he opened his mouth to hungrily slipped his tongue between them to caress hers, something exploded inside her.

“Deeeaaan” the dreadful voice of Alastair threatened from the corridor with an amused tone, making him break the kiss the gasp in terror.

She wrapped her arms around him, tears immediately falling on her cheeks. 

She couldn’t fight the demon, or they would find something to punish her, and he couldn’t find her with Dean, or they would watch them more… All that mattered now was the plan.

To save him, she had to abandon him now. And it was like ripping her own heart…

“Three days” she whispered and got up.

When she felt his hand slightly clinging to her in panic, she let out a silent sob.

“Dean I swear to you, look at me. I swear.”  

She wiped her face and walked behind the door at the exact second the demon entered, a brush hook in his hand... 

“Hello Dean, I prepared surprises for you, I’m pretty sure today will be the day you accept my offer.”

“Fuck you” Dean muttered through tears, making the demon laugh.

And she left in silence in his back, crushed by the idea that she could stop him now, but that it would ruin the plan.

 Dean’s Pov

The chains made it hard to breathe, impossible even, and the pain was screaming in his ears, it was one of those days, when the demon didn’t finish Dean and he was so angry at his body for resisting like that.

Had he really kissed her ?

Snake embrace, Alastair said, and tightened the chains until they broke Dean’s ribs and his back. He just wish he could faint or die.

But tomorrow… Tomorrow his Firefly would take him away. So in his misery, through the panic of suffocation, Dean clung to the only thing he had : the little light in the middle of Hell, his hope, her.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow…

Hope made the dam break and he choked on tears, quickly silenced by the chains magically tightening more. He was going to die finally and when he will exist again… It would be tomorrow.

The door opened and she entered. 

She was like a dream in the middle of a nightmare, nothing about her fitted here. Not her kind eyes, not her beauty, her innocence. And neither her wealthy look. Her long blue silky dress had a train that left a trail of the blood it wiped off the floor, the long tight sleeves were lace covered with occasional pearl…

She looked like a mirage. Her elegant silhouette entered the room, she had pomp dress and hair but her face still showed that artless expression, and for a second in his daze, he wondered how she would look in pajamas… 

Did they really kiss ?

“Dean… Damn !” She came close but he couldn’t see her anymore, his eyes closing, rolling in his skull.

He felt her hands tug desperately at the chains and her soft voice groaning. 

And suddenly, he could breathe. He gasped and coughed and the pain of his broken ribs hit him violently, but under them, nothing. He couldn’t feel his legs or his hips…

He blinked a few times and his eyes widened : the chains were gravitating around him like flying snakes, not touching any part of his body which rested in the air.

“Dean…” her voice came through.

The chains fell and she held him, when he slowly fell on the floor, like he was in water. 

“Tomorrow” she whispered.

And he wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, how incredible. He wanted to ask her what she thought of her first kiss. She could defeat them all, and all the evil in the world… But his injuries were bad and he could feel his heart weaken.

“I know where the key is” she murmured, bending on him, her warm lips grazing on his temple. 

“Y-you’re a miracle” he managed to state.

“I’m just a girl” she answered. “But you, Dean… You are everything. You are the sunshine and the starry nights, the music and the ocean. You are snow dancing in the air, and my fireplace, you are christmas and... “ he listened, his struggling heart growing even in his last beats. “You’re the moon in a summer night.” 

A tear fell on his jaw and her lips pressed to his temple more, her voice broke a little. 

“You are love” she almost whined.

He shakily found her hand, and grazed it with his last strength. He could feel what she was saying, her love was irradiating of her and he wondered how that kid could have grown that kind of feelings in here, and for such a wreck…

“I love you” she whispered. “I love you so much…”

His eyes stilled as his last thought, thanks to her, was a hope again : She will get out of here, and see real snow, and she will learn to love…

 Reader’s POV 

To see his ever so vibrant green turn cold and still, was a sight she would never get used to, no matter the fact she knew he was gonna come back. She carefully closed his eyes, and waited for him to open them again.

She held him for hours, felt how his body turned cold and stiff. She couldn’t imagine the feeling when death is permanent, because that was the only good thing in Hell, death wasn’t the end.

She had hoped to see his eyes open before she had to go back, but they didn’t. She took out her watch and she knew she had to go back to Crowley for her next lesson, she had to leave him again, or the plan would be ruined.

She placed her lips on his forehead and squeezed her eyes tightly as she felt his ice cold skin beneath them. 

“I’ll be back, I promise Dean, I won’t leave you. You’ll get to see Sammy again.” She carefully wrapped her arms around his back, her hand holding the back of his head. 

“I love you” she told him once more as she laid him carefully back down.

She would give everything not to have to leave now, but she couldn’t. But things would get better, tomorrow, he would feel the sun on his skin again.

Standing up, she looked back one last time from the doorframe, just to see if she could catch her favorite green one last time, but he was still inert. With a sigh she pulled the door closed behind her and went back to her room.

She stopped behind the corner of her room at the sound of Crowley’s voice.

“Why isn’t she in her room !” he snapped. 

She was late…

“I swear she was here a second ago, sir” the coward demon answered him, even she could hear he was lying.

“Find her now !” Crowley yelled, she could hear the nails of the demon scraping against the floor as it hurried off.

“You know just as much as me where she is, Crowley” Lilith sighed, surprising Y/n.  

She had the key.

“Why is she so interested in that Winchester, he’s no different from the rest. He’s messing her up” Crowley grunted.

They knew ! Since when ? She always had been careful about it, this was bad, but, her plan was still going, they didn’t know about that. They couldn’t.

“Maybe he is, but he also made her go after Alistair, without him she would never have grown so strong so fast” Lilith stated. “She’s becoming too strong and you know it, Crowley. Every one of my demons is scared of her, calling her the ‘Queen of fire’. I’m the Queen Crowley, she’s Lucifer’s WHORE !”

The walls trembled with her voice. 

“And yet, what can we do ? I lock her, I punish her…” Crowley snapped at her. 

“We’re running out of options here, we need Lucifer and we need him fast” the Queen said.

“I think we can deal with a child without our Lord” her father chuckled darkly. “Unless you too fear the Queen of Fire ?”

She heard a muffled thud followed by Crowley’s grunting. 

“You might not be able to hold her back” Lilith groaned. “But she is still a long way from taking me down. So watch your tone with me, you slug.”

Maybe it was the distance or the way Lilith’s voice bounced against the walls of the corridor, but Y/n wasn't mistaking, she could hear fear.

Lilith was afraid, afraid of her.

Y/n couldn’t help the grin that formed on her face. She would get the key, Dean would be free.

She hurried around the corner to the small library to grab some books, she turned back to go to her room.

With the books grasped in her arms she passed the door. Lilith turned to her as she let Crowley drop down from where she had him pinned against the wall.

“Y/n! Where have you been ?” Crowley gasped.

She held her chin high, and looked Lilith in the eyes. The years of being terrified of the Queen of Hell were over.

“In the library.” she said as she mentioned to the books in her hands.

“You stay in your room until I tell you you can leave, that’s the rule Y/n.” Crowley took the books from her to see what she was reading.

“More crossroads lore ?” he questioned. 

Y/n shrugged, crossing her arms.

“It’s interesting” she lied, hoping he would buy it. 

“Whatever, you will eat dinner with me tonight” he sighed.

She frowned, that rarely happens. The only times Crowley asked her to join him, it was to introduce her to yet another monster. 

“Why ?” she asked. 

“Because I say so” Lilith told her coldly. 

Lilith would eat with them ? Something was up, she could see it in the Queen’s horrible glare, and feel it in the shivers along her spine, but Y/n ignored it. Just a few hours from now, she would be out of here, or at least Dean would be. If anything, this gave her another opportunity to get the key.

“I look forward to it, your majesty” Y/n gave the mother of demons a sinister smile. 

___________________________

They all sat down at the big table which was covered in food; a big pig with an apple in its mouth, grapes, red wine, bread and a dozen cakes, about everything you could think of was on this table.

Which was a shame, demons didn’t need to eat. Only she ate but, still, she could survive without it for longer than a normal human, and could never eat more than a fragment of this ridiculous display.

“So Y/n you’re probably wondering what all this is about ?” Lilith said as she watched her for the corner of her eye.

Y/n took her fork in her hand, making sure to keep up her pinky finger up, she had gotten enough beatings for forgetting it.

“Yes, I can’t help but do” she said, her mind was reeling with a way to get the key from Lilith.

The demons she had threatened had told her Lilith had the key, getting it from her would not be easy...

But not impossible.

“Lucifer is coming and you need to be prepared... ready” Crowley piped up.

“Prepared ? For what ?” she knew she was meant to be his slave, his wife in her father’s mind, like it could happen… but she didn’t understand why they said she wasn’t ready, prepared how ?

“Well, first, you’re not ready to talk to him, not with that tone for instance” Lilith sneered. 

“Lucifer will need you, your powers to be more precise” Crowley told her.

“For what purpose does he need them ?” she frowned. “He is far more powerful than me, unless...” she looked at both of them “he is not ?” 

Lilith laughed out loud, an ominous and mocking laugh that made Y/n want to drag Lilith through the halls of Hell and cast her in the deepest pit she could find. 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, girl, no one is stronger than Lucifer. He will use your powers as a weapon… Or your belly” she grinned sardonically.

“A weapon” she repeated, putting her fork in her plate. “What do you mean my belly ?” she  dared asking, the idea of the answer making her nauseous.

“To bring Hell upon the Earth” Lilith smiled.

No… not Earth ! That meant when she would get Dean out, it would all be for nothing ! Anger rose in her core, she could suddenly feel her ears burn with that rage she knew so well. When will they stop ? When will he be allowed to be happy ? Why soil everything ! She couldn’t let that happen. 

“No” she stated, trying to hold her fury hidden deep inside of her.

Crowley’s had snapped towards Y/n.

“No ? Darling, you don’t really have a say in it” he laughed.

“I control my powers. I won’t do it !” she said, trying to weight her words.

“And why not ? You never even saw Earth, what do you care for it” Lilith got up from her chair.

It was the home of the man she loved.

“There are innocent people there. I just… I won’t do it.”

Lilith stood next to her, her hand grasped the back of her head, her fingers tangled in Y/n’s hair, pushing her down to the table, her face now in her plate. Y/n gasped, the rage inside her once again drowned by humiliation, like it had been so often in her life.

“Like daddy said,” she bent down to whisper in Y/n’s ear. “You don’t have a say in it.”

A necklace slipped out of the demon’s dress and dangled in front of her face. 

The key ! 

Y/n was so close to grasp it… So close to freedom. Her heart started pounding in her chest and flashes of Dean in pieces came in her mind, making her more determined than she had ever been.

She started to vibrate underneath Lilith’s hand, she could almost taste her rage on her own tongue. Her body curled inwards, her breath slow and focused, her hair started to flow, she opened her eyes and could see herself light up in the reflection of the silver gravy boat that was placed on the table.

With a powerful blast of fire everything around her vaporized to dust as Crowley and Lilith flew pinned against the walls. 

“I WON’T DO IT” her voice was unrecognizable, it sounded like she was speaking with a thousand voices at the once. 

She was floating high in the middle of the room, she spread her arms and could feel two fiery wings erupt from her back, so big they touched each side of the room.

She would get out. She wouldn’t take any of their punches, any of their humiliations. And Dean wouldn’t spend another night in that cell. She was getting out. Now.

Her eyes focussed on the key around Lilith’s neck, with a nod of her head the chain snapped and the key flew into her hand like she was the magnet.

“YOU WON’T STOP ME” she clenched both her fist, the flames around her growing with the rage inside her as she forced the demons out of their vessels.

A force that wasn’t hers made the room colder. Her head snapped towards Lilith who seemed to be whispering something. 

“L-Lilith” Crowley yelled.

Y/n felt an invisible cord wrap around her feet, it tugged her down violently to the floor with one hard pull. Her wings disappeared, Lilith ran towards Y/n and threw a small vile in front of her, it caught fire and followed a line all around her.

She felt herself growing weaker and weaker, the more she fought the heavier everything got.

“Stop trying Y/n, you’re trapped, no way you can cross that.” Crowley said as he wiped the dirt of his dress pants.

“You really thought you were gonna get out ?” Lilith sneered at her, a wicked grin on her face.“Oh and you wanted to take the Winchester boy with you ?” she was now laughing out loud.

Y/n crawled to the edge of the fire ring around her, heavy and beaten, but met an invisible wall, icy and crackling, she couldn’t pass. She used all her strength, all her rage, but the anger was just a stomachache now, and her body was a prison. She was trapped. 

“Told you the spell would work.” Crowley told Lilith, with that fear hidden in his voice, the voice he had when he felt like he had to protect himself. He wouldn’t help her. 

Lilith leaned closer to her, victory on her face.

“I got you now, don’t ever think you are stronger than me. It’s over.” 

No… it couldn’t be, she had to get Dean out of here, she promised him… She swore. Dean was waiting for her, she couldn’t let him down…

Her ribs became too tight and a sob of supplication escaped her mouth. She lifted an arm, in a last attempt to resist, but despair was even heavier on her back, than the spell was.

“Bring her to my cage” Lilith said, opening the door to the demons on the other side, intrigued by the noise.

“No no, please no.” Y/n started, she knew by now that Lilith intended to lock her up for good this time. 

The thought of Dean waiting for her was unbearable… He would be waiting… forever. In a strangled sob, she clutched the key in her hand so hard it snapped. She looked down at her hand, it was broken…

“It’s a fake” Lilith clenched her fist and Y/n rose up, gasping for air. “You think I would walk around it with around my neck ? I’m not stupid.” 

Some demons grasped Y/n by her foot to tug down to the ground so  they could put new chains around her. She couldn’t move, crying like she had never cried, not even as a child. She wasn’t crying for herself, she wouldn’t mind dying. 

She was crying for Dean. Every single one of his cuts would be on her from now, every one of his lonely nights, of his fears and burns… For eternity. 

On her.

Once the chains were secured the demons started dragging her to her new ‘room’.

“Oh and” Lilith started, the demons stopping at the sound of her voice, she looked down at Y/n laying chained on the floor, silent tears rolling down her face.

“I’ll take care of Mr. Winchester.”

Next Chapter in @roonyxx​‘s blog

_________________________________

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[prettytoxicrevolver]

Mark | Unus Annus

Requested? Yes! I hope y’all like it! 

Warnings? Nah 

Summary: You’ve made it home from your trip and Mark decides to show you how he feels 

Word Count: 1,408

One  |   Two   |   Four 

The plane ride home was nothing short of awkward. You had only done this plane ride a couple of times and could already feel the jet lag hitting you the minute you crossed into pacific standard time. 

By the time you’ve landed, you wished you knew what to say to either Mark or Ethan. After the night in the hotel room, it’s like the three of you became aware of each other’s feelings. Before, it was you, pining for the two unknowingly, but now it was practically all out in the open. 

For once, you’re relieved to get home and take time for yourself so the minute you grab your suitcase at baggage claim you let out a sigh of relief. Mark and Ethan had already grabbed their stuff but wanted to wait for you. 

“Wanna share an uber?” Mark asks as you lift your suitcase off the rotating belt. 

“Uh,” you pause, casting a glance towards Ethan. 

“I’ll see you soon okay?” he asks and you nod and smile. 

He pulls you into a hug, his arms circling your shoulders as your hands grip the soft fabric of his sweatshirt. You push your face into his chest, taking a deep breath before pulling away. It felt weird not having the three of you stick together but you knew at some point you’d have to break apart. 

Your house was on the way to Mark’s so it made sense to drive with him. You just didn’t want to leave Ethan just yet. You couldn’t quite figure out why but you had unfinished business with both of them. 

“Text me when you get home,” you tell him. 

“Always.” 

With that, you and Mark head out to your Uber together. You're quiet as you climb in, your suitcases being thrown into the back of the trunk and you’re headed back to the hills of Los Angeles. 

“Thanks for coming with me,” you say when you get to your house first. 

Mark had grabbed your suitcase out of the trunk, insisting on carrying it up to your apartment for you. He told the driver he’d be back in less than a minute or two but you both knew it’d be longer than that. 

“Anytime,” he smiles and you nod. 

He circles an arm around your waist, pulling you in close and you fall into his embrace. Your arms slip around his shoulders and your head lands on his chest with ease. He holds you tight squeezing you once more before letting go and holding you at arm’s length. 

“See you soon?” Mark asks and you nod. You lean up, pressing a kiss to his cheek before turning and heading inside your apartment. 

Once inside, you lean against the door and let out a sigh. You had never been so confused about your feelings in your life. Granted, it wasn’t easy before but this was practically a nightmare. 

Knowing yourself, you’d probably spend day and night wracking your brain on what to do. You’d weigh every pro and con, you’d list out every possible end in sight. Every possible situation that could happen and that was something you were not up to for the day. 

So, you called the one person who could calm you down and give an unbiased answer to this problem. 

“I’m so sorry,” you apologize upon opening your front door. 

“Don’t even,” Jason says walking into the room. “What’s wrong?” 

“Where do I start?” 

You and Jason had been best friends since middle school. Your friendship was on and off during high school and once you reached college, you realized he decided to go to UCLA. You were ecstatic to find out you’d still be in the same area and be able to hang out again. 

So, you knew when you got home from vacation with Mark and Ethan, you had to call Jason. He barely knew Ethan and Mark beside the little you told him and you knew he’d help you with whatever he could. 

You tell him everything, from the boys asking to come to your hometown, to the visit, to the power outage, hotel room, shared bed, and plane home. When you’re done, Jason sits back. 

“So, you’re in love with both of them?” he asks and you tilt your head. 

“That’s what you got out of this?” 

“Are you?” he asks again.

You sigh and lean back against the couch, and Jason looks at you expectantly. This was your issue all along. 

“Yes.” 

“I can’t help much but what I can say is that you love one of them. And you like the other. You’ll discover which is which one day.” 

It’s been a couple of days since you had gotten home and talked to Jason about everything that happened. You wished you had a solution to your problems, your feelings for the men but in the days following nothing cleared. 

You were in your living room, music playing softly as you worked through some homework left from when you went on vacation. You flip through your textbook, desperately trying to find the answer when your phone rings loudly next to you. 

You drop your textbook, blindly reaching out next to you to grab your phone on the coffee table and answer it without looking. 

“Hello?” 

“Hi love,” Mark greets and you smile instantaneously. 

“Hi, darling. And what do I owe this pleasure?” 

“Can you come over? I have a surprise,” he says and while you’re not sure what he could be doing, you agree. 

“I’ll be there in 5.” 

Less than 10 minutes later, you’re outside of Mark’s house and heading towards the front door. You usually walk straight in or text him that you’re there so he can come out but he insisted that you text him when you’re at his front door. 

Here

Come in 

You lock your phone and reach a hand out to open up the door. When you step inside the house, you nearly drop your phone as a gasp leaves your lips. 

The lights are dimmed, candles lighting the floor and around the room. Rose petals litter the floor and light music plays through the house. Your hand covers your mouth as your head whips around to take in the scene. 

You follow the rose petals leading through the house towards the back door. The candles and music follows and you’re overpowered by the feeling that you’re in a movie scene. You also can’t believe this is all for you. 

When you get to the back door, your eyes finally lift from the rose petals on the floor and trail upwards towards the candlelit dinner and him. The man of your dreams standing there waiting. 

“Mark,” you whisper. 

“Darling,” he says and you make your way over to him. 

He pulls you in, hands trailing down your arms till they meet your hands and he pulls you towards him. You land in his embrace, arms wrapped around your waist as your hand lays on his chest. 

“What is all this?” you ask, gesturing to the house behind you. 

“I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while and I wanted to tell you the right way,” he begins and your heart practically seizes in your chest. 

“I love you,” he proclaims. “I’ve loved you since the day you walked through that front door and nearly broke my thousand dollar camera on the first day of unus annus. I’ve loved every smile, laugh, cry you’ve thrown my way. I love every second I get to spend with you and I want to spend a million more with you.” 

“Mark,” you repeat, unable to say anything else. 

“And I know, you love me. But I also know you love Ethan. And all I’m asking is that you think about it.” 

You’re speechless by the end of his words. You search his shining brown eyes, unable to form any response good enough for the man in front of you. You loved him, from your head to your toes you loved him. 

But what about Ethan? 

You take the leap, standing on your tiptoes to press a kiss to Mark’s lips and he reciprocates immediately. His grip on your waist tightens as he pulls you as close as possible. You break away first, your foreheads resting against each other and your eyes stay shut as you stay in this moment. 

“Take your time,” he whispers and you nod against him. 

[badlydrawnmanic]

you’ve all wanted it, and i’m not ready to go to sleep yet, so here’s the latest installment of the sonic underground rewatch!

episode 6 thoughts under the cut!

• unrelated to the episode but there was some lego ninjago commercial that showed like. non-lego versions of the main characters and it looked nice. don’t know if it was for a show or the website idk i wasn’t paying attention • [GUITAR RIFF] SONIC- • i will literally never get tired of the opening theme and you can’t change my mind, i would die for a remaster of this. it doesn’t even have to be a cover. gimme a live performance and i will cry • “tangled webs”. spider concerns already • ooh, swatbot factory. interesting • manic just slid down a little rocky hill on his ass and that’s gotta hurt • sonia stop shining that laser pointer in manic’s eyes you’re gonna kill him • “switch six, switch six...” reminded me of the fun fact that your brain can only identify numbers up to a maximum of 4 or 5 at a glance, i forget which. but like... notice how if you only look at something very briefly you wouldn’t be able to immediately know “oh there’s 27 objects there” but you can very quickly identify 1-4 • sonia stop hitting manic with the drone what is wrong with you • some of these background characters are passable and some of them are hideous, there’s no in-between

• oh it’s the lion boy!! his voice is weird but it’s him!! • god dingo’s face is all kinds of fucked up in this close up as he’s talking • why is robotnik’s cape flowing so far behind him when he’s walking at a somewhat slow pace • i find it funny when eggman’s henchmen mock him when he’s not around, but i didn’t expect sleet to do that • “intruder .8 kilograms? what?? • how does it weigh a drone that is hovering in mid-air • somehow dingo identifies the drone as being piloted by sonia despite it being a hunk of metal with cameras on it • dingo being or looking like in the case of my headcanon a grown man and slobbering over sonia is kinda freaky (it’s partially why i made the hc so it’s less yikes but it’s still uncomfortable and i’m definitely gonna tone it down because fuck) • sleet don’t hit him!! • sonia is clearly frustrated during her conversation with manic (he’s being reckless as fuck) but the animators decided to give her a dead eyed smile for the whole scene • i wonder how they made the mechanical sounds? like the electronic shweeshweeshwee of the robots walking or the whoosh of doors opening? foley stuff is fascinating to me and i wanna know if they had to do any weird shit

• sleet is monologuing about how he hears the pitter patter of manic’s little feet and oh my god his eyes • how is dingo sneaking up behind manic he’s so fucking huge and noisy • sleet says “sylvia” before whacking the drone out of the air with what looks like an entire swatbot he just sort of picked up? i don’t get the reference and since when is he so strong • okay in the next shot it’s just an arm but still • “sometimes you just have to get their attention”? • cool transition between scenes with the camera glitching and shutting down from the perspective of the drone, that’s neat • dingo picks up sonia but wasn’t he just behind manic? once again the pacing is confusing me • “oh, ick” me too sonia • manic and sonia are tied up and were but in gigantic chairs and it looks so funny • “now, sarah” okay i get the “sylvia” thing now, sleet’s just forgetting sonia’s name somehow • sonia says “twit-face” and i feel like she could be more clever than that • “whatever, sophia” • “where’s sonic!?” [NYOOM] • sonic’s voice sounds... really weird, is that what jaleel white sounds like when he isn’t trying to sound all nasally and shit? also he burps and it’s gross • god the movement in this scene is very janky in general • sonia starts lecturing sonic but gets interrupted by a laser blast and manic pipes in like “can we talk about this later?” • sonia strong • is sonic just spilling lava everywhere??? • you’d think there’d be more sounds here • “am i good or what?” feels like it was pulled from satam? • “you’re insufferable” “thank you” • sonia’s voice is so shrill jesus christ • i feel like this is a pretty good confrontation of how sonic not working as a team with the other two can cause pretty significant problems • sonia i don’t think robotnik would throw you in prison, that’s what the roboticizer is for and i don’t think he’d keep y’all separate from that • cyrus does a weird double take and i think it’s an animation error • this cyrus kid is pretty sus- who is this hippie dude- • CYRUS SUS CYRUS SUS • there was deadass just a normal animal bird with some kind of accessory on its neck as a background character • damn it cyrus • SONG TIME??? • apparently no • once again manic and sonia are tied up which lasts 2 seconds • aosth slow-mo beam, purple flavor • what are these background characters they’re so ugly • OH NO I REMEMBER WHAT SANCTUARY IS NOW • children... i’d love to see the tiny babes but they’re undoubtedly ugly as fuck • ROBOTNIK WANTS TO MURDER CHILDREN • one of the kids looks like reptar • SONG TIME NOW • why is this so. idk, whimsical? idk how to describe this but i already don’t like it • they forgot to draw manic’s head quills in a shot • why is cyrus looking so pissed at these children • sounds like a weird off brand christmas song. don’t like it very much but i guess it isn’t bad. maybe a 2/10 • sdnjksg assaulting your siblings with a cloud of flour sounds fun if not wasteful but still, manic seems to be enjoying his little tech demo • sonia says “this place is gross” and manic goes “hey, you’re talking about my childhood home” and i think it’s a good thing that the show didn’t just forget where they all came from and how this can create very minor conflict between them? like manic and sonia seem to slight each other rather frequently when it comes to sonia’s attitude towards dirty places and manic finding it comfortable there due to familiarity even if it wasn’t all that good. i can relate to that • sonic walks off the right side of the screen after refusing some goggles then. pops up and puts on the shades again? i don’t get it • oh my god sonic knocks cyrus (and manic by extension) over and they literally just. rotate the asset in place and leave them planking. there wasn’t a water splash or change of pose or anything • how does sonic zoom past a swat bot looking directly at him without triggering any alarms? why didn’t it notice him • why are there so many regretful traitors on this show • how does sonic not notice the clearly a hologram man in front of him • god the animation in this episode in general is abyssmal • ah jeez manic and sonia have been captured again • “attention sonic hedgehog” • OH NO CYRUS’ DAD but the expression he made in response to seeing him roboticized killed it

• i know he didn’t snort here but i can feel the little “snrk” sound here. it was at this moment he knew he fucked up • PULL THE LEVER, SLEET • that little drone thing is fucking insane, it melted the entire roboticizer?? • i much prefer when background characters resemble actual animals • aww hug • poor cyrus :( • GOD SONIC AND SONIA SIT DOWN TO COMFORT HIM BUT MANIC LAYS DOWN ALL DRAMATIC JUST SMILING, READ THE ROOM BUD-

[syntheticpoetry]

And the World Spins Madly On, Chapter 13

Summary:  A few weeks after visiting Kurt in New York and confessing to cheating Blaine is attacked and left for dead, resulting in a traumatic brain injury. Burt finds him on his way home from work and calls Kurt to deliver the news. How will Kurt help Blaine pick up the broken pieces when his own heart is still so conflicted?

And The World Spins Madly On (ff.net link if you’d like to leave a review!) AO3 link

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 || Chapter 6 || Chapter 7 || Chapter 8 || Chapter 9 || Chapter 10 || Chapter 11  || Chapter 12

“I do.  He looks a little different, but I recognize him,” Cooper said quietly.  Kurt stared at him through unfocused eyes.  “What I want to know,” Cooper continued through gritted teeth.  The anger rising off of him was palpable.  It felt as though the cage of a lion had been kicked wide open and the beast was slinking out in search of flesh and blood.  “Is why that piece of shit isn’t rotting in prison.  And how you guys don’t seem to have a record in your database to match this against.”

“I don’t understand,” Detective Carson looked completely taken aback.  

“He was one of the boys that attacked Blaine when he was fourteen.  Two out of three of them were found not guilty despite the fact that they all killed someone after beating them both with a fucking tire iron.  Surely, you must have heard of it, it was only four years ago.” 

“Coop,” Kurt said warningly when Blaine had tried to bring one of his hands up to his forehead and cursed quietly when it collided with the front of the helmet. “He’s on our side here.”

“Sorry,” Cooper said strenuously.  “But this has to be somewhere in your database, right?”

“Do you have a name? I can run a search when I get back to the station,” Detective Carson held his hand out to Kurt for the sketch.  Kurt handed it back to him and scooted closer to Blaine, resting his palms on his lap while Blaine continued to shield his face.  Despite the lighting in the room casting a distorted yellow tinge to his skin, up close Kurt could see just how pale he looked beneath a thin layer of sweat.  ‘So much for calling this a good day,’ he thought bitterly as he stroked Blaine’s thighs slowly, hoping to channel some semblance of serenity into his trembling body. 

“Logan Walker,” Cooper replied, struggling to keep the edge off of his voice.  “They found him not guilty, along with Bailey Gibson, even though he was the one calling the shots.  The only one they charged was Cody Byrne, his prints were the only ones on the tire iron.  They couldn’t prove the other two were involved and this state isn’t exactly sympathetic about homophobic driven hate crimes.”

“Well, it matters to me,” Detective Carson responded, sounding rather reserved as he jotted down the list of names in a small notebook.  “I’m gonna make sure we catch these guys and that they’re locked up for good this time.  I give you my word.”

Cooper nodded stiffly and knelt down beside Blaine.  “Hey,” He whispered, “You okay?” 

Blaine let out a strained, strangled sound in affirmation and searched for Kurt’s hand while simultaneously fumbling with the clasp of the helmet.  Kurt guided his fingers over to the proper spot and helped him squeeze the sides inward to unlatch it.  At the sound of the tiny click!, Blaine forcibly pulled the straps apart and tugged the helmet off.  He dropped it to the floor where it landed with a dull thud and proceeded to splay his right hand across his forehead now that the barrier was gone. “Are we done?” 

“Yes, I know this has been very hard for you.  I’m sorry, Blaine,” Detective Carson offered sympathetically.  “I hope you’re able to enjoy the rest of your holiday.”

“Do you want to take some food with you?” Kurt asked.  It had suddenly dawned on him that the reason Detective Carson was here now was because he was working instead of being able to eat at home with his own family.  

“Oh, no, thank you––” Detective Carson proceeded to shove the small notebook into a small inner breast pocket of his jacket. 

“No, please, I insist.  You’ve been so helpful and understanding through all of this.  Let me make you a plate,” Kurt interrupted him and motioned to pull his hands away from Blaine.  Cooper stood up before he barely had the chance to retract his hands.

“Kurt, I’ll do it.  Stay with him.” 

Cooper disappeared before anyone could get another word in.  Kurt turned his attention back to Blaine, who appeared to now be employing the breathing exercises Kurt had taught him over the previous days to manage his panic attacks.  Kurt raised his hand up and pressed a kiss to his knuckles.  “You’re getting better at that, you don’t even need me to count,” he whispered, earning a solitary shaky laugh from Blaine that sounded more like a sharp exhale.

“I might need you to count,” Blaine dragged the fingers of his free hand across his forehead, and Kurt could hear how out of breath he sounded now that he was actually speaking more.  “I keep losing track, my head is pounding.”

“Sure.  You’re due for your medicine too, hopefully that’ll help with the headache,” Kurt spoke softly to avoid further aggravating his sensitivity to sound.  The last thing he figured Blaine needed was another repeat of Monday afternoon.  Detective Carson watched as Kurt proceeded to quietly count and guide Blaine through breathing exercises as though they were the only two people in the room.  Cooper returned just as they were starting another round and furrowed his brows in concern.  “Everything okay?” He offered a styrofoam plate covered in aluminum foil to Detective Carson, who had been too busy watching them to notice. 

Kurt waited until the end of their round and spoke quickly while Blaine tried to continue on his own.  “Yeah, can you grab his meds?” 

“Yeah,” Cooper tapped Detective Carson’s arm to garner his attention.  “Let us know as soon as you hear anything new?” 

“Sorry,” Detective Carson quickly took the plate from him.  “Yes, you have my word.” He waited until Cooper disappeared again and though Kurt was not looking at him he could tell he seemed to be hesitating for some reason.  Within a few seconds he appeared to come to his senses and shuffled towards the front door.  “I’m sorry again about dropping by like this.  Thank you for the plate, enjoy the rest of your holiday.”  He let himself out before Kurt could turn around and properly say goodbye.  

“Mom, really, everything’s fine,” Cooper and Emilia’s voices grew louder as they entered the room together.  He was walking in front of her, trying to shield Blaine from view but she pushed past him insistently. 

“I just want to check— Oh, sweetie,” she had taken one look at Blaine hunched over in the chair before her forehead was wrought with wrinkled worry lines.  “You don’t look well at all.  Maybe we should get you home.”

This was evidently the completely wrong thing to say.  Blaine’s head shot up so quickly it even left feeling Kurt dizzy and disoriented.  He looked at Cooper, clearly alarmed, as the little remaining colour drained from his face.  “Coop––”

“Relax,” Cooper said calmly, handing Blaine’s medication and a glass of water over to Kurt.  “Mom, he’s not going back there right now.”

“Blaine, sweetheart, I came home to take care of you,” Emilia disregarded Cooper’s declaration and diverted her attention solely to Blaine.  He squirmed uncomfortably as she continued to stare at him.  Something about the way she looked at him made him feel as though he were under a microscope, waiting to be doused in chemicals just so she could witness the reaction.  As far as he could remember, she had never shown this much interest in his well-being before. 

“Since when have you wanted to take care of me?” Blaine blurted out.  A mumbled curse beneath his breath let Kurt know the question had not been intentional.  

Emilia stared at him with something of a mix between guilt and sorrow.  The dull throbbing against his skull transformed into a steady pressure, forcing him to double back over and groan loudly.  Emilia tentatively extended her hand towards Blaine, but Cooper had gently curled his fingers around her wrist to stop her.  “Goddamnit.  Fuck,” Blaine pressed his fingers against his forehead with such force the nail beds began to turn white. “Fuck.”

“Blaine,” Kurt nudged Blaine’s knee with his own.  “Here, take these if you can.” He offered the two pills resting on his palm.  Blaine squeezed his eyes shut and stomped his foot against the ground as the pressure began to peak.  “I need a minute,” he mumbled strenuously.  

“Let me get some ice,” Cooper released Emilia’s wrist and quickly dashed out of the room.  Kurt set the glass of water down on the coffee table and closed his hand around the pills to avoid losing them.  When Cooper returned, Kurt hastily accepted the ice pack and used his fist containing the pills to gently tap on Blaine’s fingers.  “Honey, move your hand.  Let’s try this,” Kurt pressed the paper towel clad ice pack to his fingers and Blaine tentatively withdrew his hand, releasing a quiet sigh as his forehead came in contact with the cold relief.  “Helping?” Kurt asked softly.  Blaine responded with a quiet grunt and closed his hand over Kurt’s, slowly rotating his forehead against the ice pack.  Cooper had pulled Emilia aside, trying to continue the conversation in whispers, but Kurt was still able to hear every word.

“He’s not going back there—”

“Oh, honestly, Cooper, don’t be—”

“Did you even hear what he said about dad earlier? Did you know about that? Or is that something else you’re just pretending didn’t happen?” Cooper asked, his tone protective and resounding even at the low decibel he was trying to contain himself to.

“I know I haven’t done my best to stand up for him with the last time this happened,” Emilia replied.  “But I’m not letting it happen again.  It’s going to be different.  I’m going to take care of him.”

“I’m not talking about that,” Cooper raised his voice slightly, agitated and impatient, and proceeded to guide her farther away, forcing himself to regain control. His voice was still shaking with the contained anger that had been impossible to weed out.  “Didn’t you hear what he said about dad hitting him? Did you know about that? About him locking him up in closets?”

Kurt had to give her credit if she was acting, but he was willing to bet that her reaction was genuine.  Her eyes darted over in their direction and Kurt could see the same wildfire that danced in Cooper’s eyes when it came to being protective over Blaine.  And he also saw that she mirrored the same defeated expression Cooper had adapted just a few days prior when Blaine’s heavy confession about his father had finally come tumbling out.  Cooper had a point though.  Either she had completely disregarded Blaine’s accidental confession earlier or somehow did not seem to hear it at all.  Both options weighed heavily on Kurt’s conscience currently as she stumbled her way through her reaction. 

“No, he would never–– I would have noticed–– How long have you known?”

She had traversed through the stages of grief in the blink of an eye.  Kurt turned his attention back to Blaine, who appeared to be oblivious to the entire conversation.  He seized the opportunity to continue distracting Blaine and offered his medication again as the coating of the pills had begun to melt in the heat of his clenched fist.  Blaine sluggishly leaned backwards until he could go no further but kept his hand over Kurt’s.  Their fingers were clumsy and numb from the prolonged exposure to the ice.  His eyes were still closed as mumbled his response, terrified any sudden movement would thrust him right back into the full force of the migraine that continued to ebb and flow.  The throbbing had been subdued to a sporadic dull pulse on the left side of his forehead, but previous experience prevented him from being lulled into a false sense of security that it had fully passed.  With some effort, he unfurled his fingers from around Kurt’s and relinquished his hand.  Kurt set the ice pack onto the coffee table and flexed his fingers a few times before he was able to trust himself to grab the cup.  “Here,” he prompted softly, pressing the pills against Blaine’s lips.  Blaine allowed his lips to part just enough for Kurt to push them in one by one and took a small sip of water once he had tipped the cup against his mouth. 

“Thank you,” Blaine’s voice had failed him, leaving him to helplessly mouth the words. 

“You’re welcome,” Kurt encouraged him to drink some more water before setting the cup down again.  “You look like you’re ready to crash,” he brushed his fingers lightly across Blaine’s forehead.  Though the skin was now bright pink it was still cold to the touch.  Blaine leaned forward into his touch and forcibly opened his eyes.  “Are they fighting about me now?” 

Kurt glanced over his shoulder and saw Cooper and Emilia had vanished.  “I don’t think they’re fighting,” Kurt replied and slid his hand down to rest against Blaine’s cheek.  “Do you want to go lay down?” 

“Isn’t Isabelle coming soon?” Blaine closed his eyes again and gripped the arm rests on the wheelchair as a sharp throbbing above his left eye socket caught him off guard.  “I know how excited you are to see her,” he tried to downplay the pain, but Kurt saw right through the charade. 

“Blaine,” Kurt said softly. 

“I wanted to meet her,” Blaine’s grip on the armrests slackened and he opened his eyes again.  He somehow looked both disoriented and determined. 

“It doesn’t have to be tonight if you’re not feeling well,” Kurt brushed his thumb gently over Blaine’s cheek.  The tiny gesture had sent shivers down his spine.

“I’m okay, really,” Blaine insisted, continuing to lean his head into Kurt’s hand.

“For being such a great actor, you’re a terrible liar, you know,” Kurt smiled sympathetically.  

“Don’t let me and my stupid headache ruin this,” Blaine said.  Everything about his expression exuded desperation.  “Please?” 

“Fine, fine.  If you say so,” Kurt conceded.  “Shall we go join everyone at the table again?” 

“What about Coop and my mom? Should I go talk to them?” Blaine seemed hesitant at his own suggestion.  Kurt leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead.  A gentle shiver ran through his body when his warm lips connected with Blaine’s cold skin.  “They’ll know where to find us when they’re done.  Sounded like Cooper needed to catch her up on a few things anyways.” 

Blaine nodded a fraction of an inch and Kurt secured the helmet to his head once again before they returned to the table to find everyone had seemingly put their dinner on pause in their absence.  Kurt took his seat beside Blaine and picked up his cutlery again, “You two really outdid yourselves this year, even without my help.” After that dinner proceeded like normal, each of them taking turns in conversation as though nothing had happened.  Between encouraging Blaine to eat, despite the fact that it looked like the last thing on Earth he wanted to be taking part in, Kurt continued to text Isabelle beneath the table and had solidified a time for her to stop by.  He had also given her an extremely hasty summarized version of events ending with Blaine isn’t feeling well but still wants to meet you.  Cooper and Emilia returned as Finn and Carole were clearing the table.   Their plates still remained in place, untouched.  Both of their eyes were bleary and puffy with the untold story of a thousand secrets.  Blaine’s eyes darted back and forth between them questioningly as Cooper took his seat and Emilia remained standing, her gaze unfocused.

“Mom, sit.  Please,” Cooper pulled on her hand gently.  She sank down into the chair beside him and dabbed at her eyes with the silky material of her powder blue blouse sleeve.  

“What the hell happened? Why is she looking at me like that?” Blaine could no longer contain his thoughts. “Fuck, I said that out loud, didn’t I?”

“Honey, I’m so sorry,” Emilia replied instantly, her eyes welling up with fresh tears.  Cooper’s face contorted with what seemed to be disappointment as soon as she had spoken, as though she was a child who had betrayed a promise to keep a secret to herself.  “Sweetie, I never knew.”

“Never knew what? Don’t tell me you never noticed anything,” Blaine said with an air of impatience.  Kurt slid his hand onto Blaine’s thigh beneath the table in a gesture of comfort, but Blaine misinterpreted it as patronizing instead.  “No, I wanna know why she’s looking at me like that.  What were you guys talking about? Cooper,” Blaine narrowed his eyes at his brother suspiciously.  He had completely lost control now.  “What did you—” As he soaked up his brother’s guilty expression, a realization suddenly dawned upon him.  “No.  No, no, no, Cooper you didn’t.” 

“Blaine, you have to try to calm down,” Kurt squeezed his thigh lightly.  “Remember what we talked about—”

“Cooper, tell me you didn’t.  You promised that was just between you and me.  Tell me it’s something else.  Tell me you didn’t,” Blaine asked urgently, ignoring Kurt.  Snippets of one of the articles Isabelle had sent paraded to the forefront of Kurt’s mind— ‘Increased aggressiveness, increased anxiety, reduced self-control,’ — as Blaine remained hyper fixated, raising his voice.  All of his sentiments were merging together like a train collision.  There was no space in between for Cooper, or anyone, to get a word in against him.  “Why aren’t you saying anything?” Blaine asked impatiently after what he must have perceived to be a long delay.  In actuality, there had been maybe half a second between the question and his previous statement.

“Because I know you don’t want to actually have this conversation in front of everyone,” Cooper responded calmly.  That seemed to force Blaine to come back to himself.  One quick glance around the table and he suddenly realized Burt, Finn and Carole were still in the room with them.  They had become ghosts in their own home, silently observing the Anderson family torturously ripping apart at the seams.  “We were going to talk to you after dinner, wasn’t that what we agreed on, mom?” Cooper continued, still maintaining the same calm tone of voice.  Emilia demurely nodded her head once.  “But we can do that now if you don’t want to wait.” 

The doorbell rang and no one moved.  Kurt did not want to leave Blaine’s side, but knew full well who was at the door this time.  “That’ll be Isabelle,” he said.

“I’ll let her in,” Burt offered, clearly desperate for the opportunity to leave the room.  He left to answer the door and Isabelle’s bubbly voice carried over into the kitchen as she greeted him, completely unaware of the scene she was intruding on.  

“What do you want to do, Blaine?” Kurt had not removed his hand from Blaine’s lap and continued to alternate between rubbing his thigh and squeezing it soothingly.  He appeared to remain undecided, alternating his attention between Cooper and Emilia before he finally said, “Tell me yes or no first.  Tell me that and then we talk later.” 

Cooper sighed heavily and pushed his plate away.  The silverware shook and clattered lightly against the porcelain in the silence.  After what felt like eons crammed into the small stretch of time, he offered a simple, “Yes.” 

Blaine clenched his fists together tightly and painfully tore his eyes away from his brother to look at Kurt.  Whatever he was thinking, it was no longer evident in his expression.  His tone had changed entirely.  There was no anger or urgency anymore.  Instead, he sounded almost confident as he asked, “So about that introduction?”

“Right,” Kurt replied numbly.  Blaine the actor had finally made an appearance again.  The one who had always been able to shove down his own emotions into the farthest depths as he prepared to perform for the world around him.  The transition had always been so subtle.  Something completely natural and unnoticeable.  As Kurt’s body moved on autopilot to stand and navigate Blaine into the living room towards Isabelle’s faint laughter, he wondered how he had never been able to realize whenever Blaine managed to flip the switch between personalities. 

‘Of course I’ve never noticed, he’s probably used the same trick on me a million times.’

In the living room, Burt was being completely steamrolled by Isabelle’s excitement as she jabbered away.  Her face lit up when Kurt wheeled Blaine into the room.  “Hello, my darling!” She glided over to him as though she was some ethereal being simply floating above the floorboards and wrapped an arm around Kurt in a one handed embrace.  In her other hand she was carefully balancing an aluminum pie tin.  She pulled away, positively beaming, and turned her attention to Blaine.  “And you must be Blaine, I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Uh-oh, is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Blaine jested and smiled, extending his hand out to her.  “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“It’s a good thing.  I’m a hugger, if that’s alright with you, darling,” she leaned over to give him the same warm hearted welcome she had offered to Kurt once he had lowered his hand and agreed.  “Sorry, I’m late.  You know how these family get togethers go.  Put us all in a room and the sun will be rising if no one cuts me off.” 

“I can see why Kurt gets along with you so well,” Blaine laughed.  Kurt was finding it far more difficult than he was to slip into the idea of normalcy as the scene played out.  He was roused from his daydreaming when Blaine had subtly reached out to touch his hand and smiled without missing a beat.  

“Sorry, don’t mind me.  Starting to slip into one of those post food comas,” Kurt squeezed Blaine’s hand gently, tethering himself back down again.  

“I hope you’ve saved room; this pumpkin pie isn’t world famous for nothing!” Isabelle held it up as though it was an Olympic torch.  “Do you need help setting anything out?”

“No, no, don’t be silly,” Burt interjected.  “Make yourself comfortable, I’m going to help my wife bring out the rest of the desserts.  Can I get you something to drink?”

“A coffee would be fabulous.  Thanks so much.” Isabelle set the pie plate on the coffee table and took a seat on the couch as Burt disappeared into the kitchen.  “Did you boys have a good Thanksgiving?”

“It’s been eventful, to say the least,” Blaine mumbled to himself.

“What’s that?” Isabelle asked.

“Nothing,” Blaine straightened up in his seat.  “How are you liking being back home? Kurt said you grew up in Ohio.”

“It’s always nice to see everyone, but I would be lying if I said I missed actually being here.  My heart’s still in New York.  It gets too quiet here for me, I need the buzz of the city.”

“There really is nothing quite like it,” Kurt agreed fondly.  

“Sounds like you both really miss it,” Blaine said.  His act had betrayed him and the statement had come out sounding forlorn and distant.  As Kurt opened his mouth to reply, Burt returned carrying a large platter with assorted cookies balanced on one hand and Isabelle’s coffee in the other.  Behind him the rest of the family followed in line, Finn carrying some small plates, Carole with a homemade chocolate cake, Cooper with silverware and some napkins, and Emilia, who had managed to make herself appear more composed.  After everyone had settled in, the remainder of the evening flew by in a whirlwind of laughter as Isabelle regaled them with stories of what she liked to call ‘New York Moments.’  Blaine contributed to the conversation, flawlessly falling into step with Isabelle’s ardor as though they were old friends.  Kurt had been so caught off guard, he struggled to keep up with them.  His mind still lingered on just how seamlessly Blaine had managed to transition into this character he was playing.  A character that looked a lot like the old, ultra-confident boy who had taken hold of Kurt’s hand at Dalton and led him down a hallway towards a performance that literally had changed their lives.  As he took the backseat and observed their interactions, some tiny part of his brain chirped quietly from his subconscious. ‘Which Blaine is the real Blaine?’

At around midnight though Blaine had seemingly exerted all of his energy and was struggling to stay awake.  Every few seconds or so Kurt noticed him nodding off and waking with a jolt as his chin came down towards his chest.  He would cross his arms and straighten his back, trying to sit tall and keep himself awake.  After the fourth time it happened Kurt subtly leaned forward to whisper to him as Isabelle continued to entertain everyone else, “Time for bed?” 

“M’supposed to talk to Coop and my mom,” Blaine drawled on sleepily and rubbed his eyes. 

“There’s always tomorrow.  Plus you have an early start, don’t you?” Blaine looked puzzled and Kurt continued.  “Your follow up appointment and then you have that session with Dr. MacManus.” 

“Oh, right.  I forgot.” The words came stretched on the wings of a long yawn.  Blaine rubbed his eyes again and Kurt patted his thigh lightly. 

“Come on, I’ll lie down with you,” Kurt said. 

“You can stay up if you want,” Blaine paused through another long yawn and pulled on the chin strap of the helmet.  “I know you probably want some one on one time with Isabelle.  Don’t argue, I know that you do,” He added before Kurt could protest.  He was not wrong; Kurt did want to catch up with her away from everyone else.  Especially after the performance Blaine had just given.

“Okay.  You want me to help you to bed at least?” 

“Yeah, could you, please?” He pulled on the helmet strap again.  “Can’t wait to take this thing off.” 

Kurt smiled sympathetically and stood up.  “I’m just gonna help Blaine to bed, I’ll be right back.”

“I didn’t even realize how late it is,” Cooper announced in reply.  “Mom, I should probably drive you home.  We have to be up early tomorrow,” Emilia looked as though she wanted to argue, but thought better of it and nodded.  “Burt, Carole, thank you for having me,” Emilia said sheepishly.

“Our pleasure,” Burt responded. 

“Blaine?” She approached him tentatively and stopped just shy of arm’s reach.  He looked up at her, his head heavy with drowsiness.  “Can we talk tomorrow?” 

Blaine nodded slowly in his sleepy trance and she smiled wearily before turning on her heel to approach Cooper.  “Wait,” Blaine’s small voice drew her attention back to him and he shyly continued, “You’re not gonna hug me goodbye?” Something broke within her and it was evident on her face as she leaned over to embrace him.  Kurt watched them sadly, knowing full well that he was going to stay up and wait for Cooper to return to press him for the details of their earlier conversation.  When they finally broke apart everyone took their time saying their goodbyes before Cooper and Emilia left. 

“Isabelle, could you hang around for a bit?” Kurt asked as he unlocked the wheelchair brakes. 

“Of course, darling.”

“Kurt, I could help him to bed if you want,” Finn surprisingly announced.  “If Blaine doesn’t mind, that is.” Kurt and Blaine simultaneously responded. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got—”

“I don’t mind.” 

Kurt yielded control of the wheelchair to Finn and gently patted Blaine’s shoulder.  Blaine brought his hand up and placed it over Kurt’s, lingering momentarily before dropping it down onto his lap again.  As they rounded the corner and disappeared he turned to Isabelle.  “Wanna step outside for a minute?” They navigated their way through the kitchen and towards the garden table.  The second Kurt had slid the screen door shut, Isabelle’s animated voice permeated the quiet air, “You’re positively smitten with him.” 

“That obvious, huh?” Kurt’s shoulders slumped and he sank down into one of the dark green metal chairs.  “I know you said to set boundaries, but I realized that’s all I’ve been doing since I got home.  Setting rules and keeping my distance.  It was exhausting.  He’s apologized a million times and I really do believe him.  I want to forgive him.  I want to trust him again.  I want him to trust me because it’s obvious to see now that he’s been holding so much of himself back.  Does that make me crazy?”

“How did it feel when you kissed the other night?” Isabelle asked.

“It felt,” Kurt could not help but smile as he reminisced.  “Like coming home.”

“I don’t think it makes you crazy, Kurt.  But have you two talked more about everything since then?”

“A little,” Kurt replied guiltily.  “Not really.  Not as much as we should have.  There are just so many other things going on right now, I’m waiting for the right time.”

“Can I give you my honest opinion?” 

“Always.”

“It sounds like you’re avoiding some of the difficult stuff because you’re trying to protect him.  Which doesn’t seem fair to either of you,” Isabelle said. 

“So, what should I do?” Kurt asked desperately.  “Everything is such a mess and I just want it to be normal again.�� 

“What’s keeping you from forgiving him?” Isabelle asked.  “Are you afraid he’ll do it again?” 

“I was,” Kurt replied automatically.  

“And you aren’t anymore?” She probed.  

They sat in silence as Kurt contemplated his response.  Deep down, he really did believe Blaine had regretted his actions.  That he had acted only out due to a combination of their miscommunication and his own mountain of insecurities.  The more he was coming to learn about Blaine’s past through his accidental confessions the more he came to understand the complex machinery of his ex-lover’s inner world of twisted turmoil.  Aside from Cooper, anyone Blaine had ever come to trust or rely on had completely betrayed or disregarded him.  He had been singled out and bullied not only at school, but at home too.  Two of out of his three previous attackers had been allowed to walk free from an assault and murder charge.  And while Kurt had offered him his own trust and love, Blaine still kept himself guarded.  He had only allowed Kurt to view tiny glimpses of his life, and even that appeared to be an act bred of his own need to please others while casting himself aside.  He thought back to Blaine’s confession in New York — ‘I thought I was losing you’ — and felt his stomach lurch.  He had let his demons fester and infect their relationship to the point of believing Kurt would abandon him the same way everyone else he had ever come to rely on did.

“He wouldn’t do it again,” Kurt said finally. 

“Something is keeping you from forgiving him though.  And until you figure out what it is, you’re going to be stuck in this same loop, sweetie.  Where things sort of feel normal, but you’re still avoiding these major problems and they inevitably resurface,” Isabelle offered a sympathetic smile and reached over to the table.  Kurt slid his hands into hers.  

“I think,” Kurt said slowly, the wheels in his head still turning slowly as he continued, “What’s holding me back is that it feels like he can’t trust me enough to show me who he really is,” he exhaled sharply and tilted his head back slightly as his vision became blurry with the threat of tears on the horizon.  “And if he can’t trust me to let me in, how can I trust him? That Blaine you just met in there? That’s partly him, but it makes me wonder how much of himself he keeps locked away when he isn’t trying to please everyone around him.”

“Well,” Isabelle said softly, “There you go.” 

“I keep wondering if he would still be keeping everything to himself if he was able to control it.  I think about it a lot, actually.  He’s become completely incapable of keeping secrets, and I’m scared he’ll just hide himself away again the second he’s able to,” Kurt sniffled loudly.  “If he’s able to, I guess.  Since they have no idea what kind of lasting damage there will be.  God, this whole thing is just terrifying.  I wish it never happened.” 

“I'm sorry, sweetie,” Isabelle offered consolingly. “I find it best not to let my mind wander too far away from the situation I’m in.  Otherwise the possibilities will never end.” 

“It’s funny you say that because I’ve been parroting the same response to everyone else,” Kurt laughed sardonically. 

“Time to practice what you preach then, my friend.” 

“I suppose you’re right, as usual,” Kurt pulled a hand away to run his fingers through his hair.  

“I know it’s difficult to think about, but what are your long term plans, Kurt? Say you forgive him and you boys make up, then what?” Isabelle asked with innocent curiosity.  The way she posed her inquiries never felt like the interrogations that Rachel usually subjected him to.  And he loved her for that.  She had a sort of candor about her that could make anyone feel right at home.

“I really don’t know,” Kurt replied quietly.  There had not been much time to consider the possibilities of reconciliation between them when everything forced him to focus on the moment.  The scope of his vision had been reduced to day-to-day, measured in good ones or bad ones depending on how much Blaine had either regressed or accomplished. 

“Just something to ponder and maybe discuss with him, don’t you think?” Isabelle cocked her head to one side and smiled half-heartedly.  He knew she was right.  Of course she was right.  She had been right about everything already thus far.  

“Yes,” Kurt replied, resigned.  “I’ll talk to him this weekend.  We need a mature heart-to-heart, that’s pretty evident.”  Isabelle squeezed his hands and smiled.  “So,” Kurt continued, shrugging his shoulders slightly.  “What did you think of him?”

Isabelle laughed.  “Well, he’s certainly a teenage dream, that’s for sure.”

“Yes,” Kurt laughed quietly.  “Yes, he is.”

___________________________________________________

“Tell me again why we had to make this appointment so early?” Blaine drawled in the passenger seat and dragged his knuckles across his eyes in a desperate attempt to knead away the exhaustion overtaking his eyelids.  Beside him Cooper spared a moment from scanning the road for the right building to roll his eyes.

“Since when is ten o’clock early for you?” 

“Lay off, it’s not my fault,” Blaine responded grumpily and folded his arms across his chest. 

“I’m only teasing,” Cooper smoothly navigated his way into a parking space and shifted the gear into park.  The car lurched briefly as it came to a still and he twisted the key in the ignition, abruptly cutting off the song Blaine had been quietly singing along to.  “Was last night as bad as the rest of the week?” 

“You mean you somehow slept through all the screaming?” Blaine mumbled as he unlatched his seatbelt and slid it across his chest slowly.  

“I only came back this morning to pick you up,” Cooper replied.  “I stayed at home last night.” Blaine tugged at the strap of his helmet and spared a sideways glance at his brother.  “Didn’t plan on it, but I kind of got into a screaming match with dad and then stayed up late talking to mom after.  I just ended up napping there for a few hours before I came back to get you ready to go.” 

“Oh,” Blaine offered quietly.  

“I know you want to ask about it, I can tell,” Cooper responded.  “But we’re gonna be late, so we can talk about it later.  I promise.” Blaine nodded meekly and sent his mind into overdrive as Cooper exited and proceeded to help him out of the car.  It was another conversation to add to the growing list ahead of them.  He thought back to his outburst at dinner last night after Cooper and their mother had returned to the table and found himself lingering on the way she studied him with such pity in her eyes.  He felt naked and embarrassed being exposed like this, constantly under observation from everyone.  Despite their best efforts, he knew they were all walking on eggshells around him.  He hated it.  It made him feel fragile.  One false move and he would crumble to pieces before their eyes, just like they all expected him to.  

______________________________________________

“So how was your holiday?” Dr. MacManus asked.  She was sitting opposite Blaine on a red leather, cushy armchair with one leg crossed over the other.  Perched against her thigh was a yellow legal pad.  Blaine propped his head up on the arm of the wheelchair and stared out of the window into the parking lot.  The sky has become overcast in dark grey between his first appointment and the trip to her office, bearing the threat of an impending storm.  The irony was not lost on him.  “Your brother mentioned your parents came home.” 

“I saw my mom,” Blaine stated tonelessly.  “Not my dad.  What else did he tell you?”

“I want to hear your version of events, Blaine.  Not his.”  She folded her hands atop the pad and waited patiently. 

“What if I don’t feel like talking right now?” Blaine said bitterly.  In actuality, he had come prepared with a million burning questions buzzing around his head until the news from his follow-up appointment earlier in the morning wiped everything away.  While Cooper had already reminded him of the upcoming brain surgery they had scheduled for mid-December, neither of them were prepared for the news that Blaine’s knee might never heal properly even with the elective surgery to repair his ACL.  At the mention of the word ‘cane’ Blaine had completely shut down and tuned out the rest of the conversation.  While the vertigo had him worried for when he felt well enough to start dancing again the thought of never being able to dance again at all had been too much to bear. 

“That’s okay too, if you don’t feel like it right now,” Dr. MacManus’ voice cut through the buzzing self-pity and he sighed heavily. 

“This just fucking sucks.  All of it.  It’s not fair,” Blaine finally stated.  He turned away from the window to face her and had suddenly adapted Kurt’s habit of speaking with his hands as he continued to lash out.  “I just want it to stop.  I want to stop feeling so useless and scared.  I want everyone to stop looking at me like a pathetic broken toy.  I just— Is it so much to ask for a fucking break? Just one.” He dropped his hands onto his lap and returned his gaze to the window. “Maybe I deserved it.”

“What do you mean by that, Blaine?” She leaned forward in her chair. 

“What?” Blaine begrudgingly glanced in her direction, keeping his eyes downcast to pretend like he was not trying to notice her, before returning to gazing out at the parking lot. 

“You said ‘maybe I deserved it,’ what did you mean by that?” 

“Goddamnit, I didn’t mean to— I can’t even keep my own thoughts private either.  Everything is just out on display for everyone all the damn time!” Blaine raised his hands up in exasperation.  She offered a sincere, sympathetic half-smile in return.  He dropped his hands down into his lap and curled them into fists, tugging at the fabric of his pants.  Kurt would have a heart attack if he saw the wrinkles he was working into the material.  “I don’t want to talk about that.” 

“Alright, well can you tell me what kind of person you think deserves what happened to you?” Dr. MacManus asked politely.

“I don’t know,” Blaine replied, losing the edge in his voice.  “No one.” 

“If you believe nobody else does, then why would you think that you do, Blaine?” 

“Because,” Blaine replied automatically and pursed his lips together to try to stop the remainder of the thought.  As usual, it came tumbling out before he could stop himself.  “I’m a bad person.” 

“Why?” She pressed on. 

“Stop,” Blaine whispered.  He wanted to scream.  Wanted to rip up the ugly beige carpet she had lined her office with and hide himself away like all of the secret things you kept away from the world beneath the floorboards.

“Why do you think you’re a bad person?” Her tone was gentle, but the alarm bells in his brain still told him it felt like an attack.  She was interrogating him.  Pushing him.  Even after they had established he did not need to discuss anything he did not want to talk about. 

“Stop,” Blaine repeated, louder this time.  “Stop it.” 

“Blaine,” She set the blank legal pad aside and uncrossed her legs.  “I think you have a lot of anger and pain that you don’t know how to deal with any other way than turning it inward toward yourself.  I know you aren’t going to exactly trust me after the one session we had at the hospital, but I am on your side here.  I can’t help you if you don’t let me.  Deep down past this barrier you’ve put up I think you do want that help, or else you wouldn’t have agreed to keep seeing me once you were discharged.  I could guess at things.  I could bring up all your brother’s concerns.  But we both know unless you bring yourself to say what’s bothering you it’s not going to matter what I do or don’t know.  It has to come from you.” 

Blaine chewed on his lip and ran his fingers over the clasp of the helmet chin strap. “I think my dad hates me,” he surrendered quietly.  “I don’t know when it started, but I think that he does.  And for as long as I can remember, which— let’s be honest, that doesn’t mean much these days,” He added the small jab of self-deprecation as a joke.  She did not laugh.  “I figured there must be something wrong with me.  Something I must have done.  Because what other reason could there be? And on top of that, what do I go and do to the one person I love more than anything in this whole world? Cheat on him.  Hurt him.  So, yeah, maybe I deserved what was coming.  Maybe it was just the universe fighting back to balance the scales again.”

“And I think truly terrible things happen to very good people sometimes, Blaine.  There’s a lot to unpack here so let’s break this down a little bit, okay?” He nodded stiffly and took to chewing on his fingernails instead.  “What makes you think your father hates you?”

“Before he started completely ignoring my existence?” Blaine said bitterly before he ripped off a piece of his nail between his teeth.  He spit the fragment into his lap.  “He used to hit me and lock me in closets.  Would tell me I wasn’t his son.  After the first attack he just took to flat out ignoring and avoiding me.” He moved onto another fingernail to gnaw on.  After confessing this all to Cooper, Kurt and Finn the other day it seemed easier now to let the words come tumbling out to her.  

“I’m very sorry to hear that, Blaine.  Can you remember how old you were when this started?” 

“I don’t know, maybe like 10? Things get kind of jumbled around when I try to think about it.”

“Can you remember anything before then?” 

“Sometimes, but not really.  Bits and pieces with Cooper, but a lot of it feels,” He paused as he wracked his brain for the right word. “Fuzzy? I don’t know.” 

“Barring your physical injury, there could be a number of things attributing to that,” She said and pulled the legal pad back to her to finally begin writing on it. 

“Like what?” He shifted in his seat to sit up and a sharp jolt reverberated from his knee straight down the rest of his leg.  He grimaced and casually placed his hand over his knee as though he could press the pain back down into the synapses responsible for causing the painful response to his sudden movement.  Dr. MacManus’ eyes were on the pad, focused on writing.  She had not noticed. 

“There’s a chance your brain could have repressed certain memories, sort of like a defense mechanism.  Sometimes people are simply just unable to remember things past a certain age.  Your recent trauma, coupled with the previous assault, has also had a profound effect on you and PTSD can cause lapses in memory or blackouts.  There are some exercises we can try in later sessions, but right now I want to focus on things you can remember.  You say you think you were around 10, do you remember anything leading up to the moment?” 

“Not— No, not really,” Blaine ripped off another nail fragment and shoved his hands beneath his thighs to stop himself as Kurt’s voice sounded off in his head to dissuade him against the further mutilation.  “I just remember him shoving me in.  He was,” He squinted as though it would bring the fuzzy image into focus.  “He was angry about something, I could barely understand him, he was screaming so loud.  I couldn’t tell you what he said, it’s just this like… garbled static.” 

“Was anyone else at home?” She peered up at him, her pen still poised on the pad.

“Cooper was gone by then, moved out to LA.  My mom,” Blaine frowned and strained to recall.  “I don’t know if she was there.  I don’t think she was.  I think it was just my dad and me.” 

“Who would let you out again after he locked you in?” 

“He would,” Blaine shifted and pressed his hands down against the seat to fight the urge to start chewing on his nails again.  “I don’t know how much time would pass in between.  Progressively, I think he kept me in there longer and longer.  The harder he hit me, the longer it felt like I was in there anyways.” 

“Can you remember any happy memories with him?” 

“Some, I guess.  Mostly the ones involving Cooper.  Just me and him though? Barely.  It’s been harder to remember things like that lately.  I get… confused sometimes.  This week has been kind of tough.”

“Do you want to talk about that at all?”

Blaine squirmed and caved in, resorting to chewing on his thumb nail.  His words came rushed, just as they had last night, with very little space in between the sentences.  “I’m guessing Cooper told you about it already.  It’s been getting worse.  I can’t sleep through a single night anymore.  I forgot who Kurt was the other day.  That’s never happened before.  I wanted to die when they told me, because that’s what it felt like.  Like I’d been kicked in the chest and my heart was going to stop.  I’m terrified I’m gonna just lose it all one day.  That everything will be wiped away and I’ll just be some helpless blank slate who can’t even remember his own name.” He seemed shocked at his own admission.

“Did you mean to say that out loud?” She asked.

“I think I did, actually,” Blaine replied.  She smiled. 

“It’s difficult to accept when things are out of our control.  I have to imagine that constant fear makes it nearly impossible to concentrate, which can be why you have such a difficult time with your memories.  Again, I’m sure the physical injury has something to do with it, but you saying it’s been getting worse since the nightmares and flashbacks have been progressively getting worse leads me to believe it’s more the anxiety you’re feeling than anything else.  I want to give you a prescription for Zoloft, I think it can help with the panic attacks.” 

“Great, more meds,” Blaine grumbled.  He remembered the name from a television commercial.  “Isn’t that for depression?” 

“There’s nothing wrong with needing a little extra help sometimes, Blaine,” She smiled sympathetically.  ““It can help with PTSD and anxiety too; it’s called an SSRI.  If it’s the right medication for you then we’ll start to see a decrease in those panic attacks and feelings of fear and helplessness.”  She cast a sideways glance on the clock above the door.  “We still have a little more time; do you want to talk more about your recent break up? It seems to be weighing pretty heavily on you, based on your previous statement.  It must be really hard being around your ex with completely different dynamics.” 

Blaine hovered his palm over his mouth to hide the way his lips had tugged into a smile.  He had no clue what to call whatever was happening between him and Kurt.  The entire thing confused him to no end, but he worried bringing attention and talking about it would cause whatever good thing they had going to come to a screeching halt.  No.  He wanted to keep that for himself for now.  “Can we talk about something else?” 

“Sure, Blaine.  Have you been practicing those relaxation and grounding exercises I passed along to your brother?” 

“I try to.  Kurt’s been helping me with breathing exercises too.”  ‘I can almost do them without his help.’ The thought had remained contained within his own head for once. “I’ve been okay for the most part when I’m awake, but when I fall asleep,” He trailed off.  The image of Kurt’s face from the other morning when he had forgotten him, terrified and absolutely devastated, had become ingrained into his thoughts.  If there was anything he wished he could permanently erase, it was that pained expression.  “I can’t control what happens then.” 

“Are the nightmares about the recent attack?” 

“Most of the time.  Sometimes the first one.  Sometimes,” Blaine swallowed hard and cleared his throat quietly.  There had been more than a few nights when he could not tell which nightmares were actual memories or over exaggerated depictions of his darkest, deepest fears.  “Sometimes it’s other stuff, but mostly that.”

“Extra stress can sometimes be an added trigger.  It’s going to take some time for the Zoloft to kick in before we notice any changes.  I know it’s a difficult thing to ask, may even seem impossible, but working on managing that stress and focusing on staying relaxed is probably the best thing you can actively do right now.”

“You’re right,” Blaine restlessly brushed his fingers over his lips.  Their hour long session was starting to feel like a director’s cut version of a Lord of the Rings film.  “That does sound impossible.”

“You mentioned breathing exercises, do you do those regularly or only in response to the panic attacks?” 

“Usually after I’m already worked up or starting to feel really anxious.”

“I want you to try to incorporate it more throughout your day.  I would try to do it right before bed.  Or something you find relaxing.  I remember you mentioned your love of music at our last session?” Blaine nodded once to affirm her recollection.  “Do something you enjoy, make your bed feel like a safe place instead of treating it like somewhere you go to relive your worst memories.” 

“And if that doesn’t work?” Blaine asked apprehensively.

“Then we’ll think of something else.  One step at a time, Blaine.” 

“Yeah, well I’m not exactly taking any actual steps anywhere anytime soon,” Blaine grumbled under his breath and tugged at the chin strap.  

“I take it you got some bad news?” She inquired.  By then he’d had enough.  He could not remember what time they started, but there was no way they had not exceeded the hour. 

“Can we end here for now? I just,” He shifted in the chair again.  Within the last fifteen minutes he had grown progressively more restless and uncomfortable.  “I’m really tired and I’m just really sick of talking about myself today.” 

“Okay,” She smiled politely.  “You did really well today, Blaine.  I know it may not feel like it, but you are making progress in your recovery.”  He returned her statement with a tight lipped smile.  “Is it still okay that I talk to your brother? You still want him involved, correct?” 

“Yeah, it’s fine.  Do I need to be in here for it?” His hands were already positioned on the wheels, ready to leave.  At the first sign of her head tilting forward he was wheeling himself towards the door.  With some effort he twisted the doorknob and maneuvered his way out into the waiting room where he had left Cooper at the start of the session.  He was in the exact same chair, his legs stretched out in front of himself with his arms folded across his chest.  His head was tilted down towards his chest.  He appeared to be asleep.

“Coop?” Cooper immediately lifted his head and looked in his direction.  He looked as exhausted as Blaine felt and the fragment of the early morning conversation came fleeting from the depths of the abyss to remind him that Cooper had also not gotten much sleep the night before.  Blaine glided over to him and did not wait for a response.  “She wants to talk to you.” 

“Go okay?” Cooper unfurled his arms and stood up, stretching languidly.  

“Yeah, I guess,” Blaine shrugged.  “I’ll wait for you here.” 

Cooper gave his shoulder a gentle pat and disappeared into Dr. MacManus’ office, leaving Blaine to sift through a pile of magazines.  It was moments like this he wished he still had his phone.  He made a mental note to talk to Cooper about getting a new one sometime soon.  He glanced at a clock on the wall and was shocked to discover it was nearly half past four.  After the events of the day he was not sure where he was supposed to muster the energy from for the conversation he was still meant to have with Cooper and his mother.  If it was still happening.  Cooper had not mentioned it at all yet.  He took to wheeling himself around the table in the center of the waiting room to pass the time, trying to force himself to stop stealing glances at the clock.  The more he tried to avoid it though, the more his head jerked upwards to see that the minute hand had only moved a fraction of an inch.  

He sighed loudly and decided to go back to the pile of magazines.  At first glance, they all seemed to be outdated copies of Psychology Today.  At the very bottom of the pile, the last glossy booklet caught his attention.  The words ‘DANCE’ was written across the top in bold yellow font, with ‘The world at your feet’ in smaller text beneath it.  The text beside the man featured on the cover said ‘Andy Blankenbuehler’s Broadway.’ The subject, presumably Andy Blankenbuehler, was dressed in charcoal gray slacks and a long-sleeved white button-up dress shirt.  Both the top two and bottom two buttons were undone, letting the shirt fall loosely over his clearly toned physique.  Around his neck was an undone green and black checkered tie.  Perched atop his head was a black felt bowler hat.  He had been photographed mid pose that very much reminded Blaine of a scene straight out of Chicago, it was a classic sexy jazz pose.  He had one leg bent at a forty five degree angle, the other straight out, as his torso twisted towards the camera.  Only the profile of his face was visible, especially with the bowler hat tipped down.  One hand was positioned near the brim of the hat, his ring finger resting comfortably against the accessory to tilt it downwards.  

The image sent chills down his spine as he plucked the magazine off of the table and continued to study it in his lap.  He knew this move.  Had practiced and perfected it in his bedroom and the McKinley auditorium.  Seeing it now had ignited something in the pit of his stomach.  At first he thought it might have been jealousy or some rampant form of self-pity festering and bubbling up to remind him of the conversation from the doctor’s office earlier.  But as he continued to stare, he recognized that it was not a malicious feeling.  It was motivation.  He was not going to sit and be told what was and was not to be expected of his recovery.  They had repeatedly told him what a shock it was to see him awake from the coma with so many pieces of himself still intact.  So why should he force himself to be resigned to the possibility of never being able to dance again just because some doctor had told him so?

He was still staring at the cover by the time Cooper had returned with Dr. MacManus at his side.  “Ready to go?” 

Blaine glanced up at them and nodded.  “Dr. MacManus, can I keep this?” He held up the magazine.

“Sure, Blaine.  Nobody usually reads them anyways.  Enjoy it.” 

They said their goodbyes and confirmed the next appointment set for Tuesday.  In the car, Blaine had kept the magazine propped on his lap and silently continued to study the image as Cooper drove.  The radio volume had been set so low the music was barely audible, causing a strange white-noise sensation to fill the space surrounding them.  As Cooper pulled onto the highway, Blaine’s eyes were still on the cover as he spoke, “I don’t care what they say, I’m gonna dance again, Coop.” 

“I know you are, Blaine.”

_______________________________________

This is the magazine cover

[paleorecipecookbook]

My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief

A little stress is the spice of life, and it has its benefits. Healthy stress can help sharpen your focus so you can power through that work presentation, for example, creatively solve a pressing problem, or even run a 5K at top form. If you had no stress in your life, you’d likely be bored, unmotivated, and not living up to your full potential.

But when stress becomes chronic, or long term, it begins to take a toll on both your body and your brain—which happens to way too many of us. More than three-fourths of all Americans regularly experience stress-related physical symptoms such as fatigue, headache, or an upset stomach. (1) Stress seeps into relationships, invades your office space, and keeps you up at night.

Fortunately, you can learn to manage it—and simple breathing techniques can help. Here are five breathing exercises for stress relief to help you through your next difficult moment.

Diabetes, autoimmune disorders, and gut dysbiosis all have links to chronic stress. If you’re feeling stressed day in and day out, these breathing exercises can help. Take a deep breath and check out five breathing techniques that can help you find relief. #healthylifestyle #wellness

This Is You on Stress

Stress is a normal mind–body response that all of us experience to some degree. Physiologist Hans Selye first used "stress" in this sense in 1936, defining it as the “non-specific response of the body to any demand made upon it.” (2)

When you’re stressed, you go into what’s known as “fight-or-flight” mode: your body releases a surge of stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, which snaps you into high-alert mode. Your blood pressure and heart rate go up, your muscles tighten, you breathe faster, and your senses sharpen.

There are real evolutionary advantages to this. After all, how do you think our Paleolithic ancestors survived being chased by predators? These physical changes in your body speed your reaction time and enhance your focus and allow you to act quickly and decisively. This rush of stress hormones appears to temporarily strengthen brain neuron connections, which, in turn, may improve your memory and concentration over the short term.

Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley found that rats exposed to acute but short-lived stress doubled the production of new brain cells in their hippocampus (the memory center of the brain), compared to brain cell production under normal conditions. (3) This type of short-term stress may actually help to temporarily boost immunity by increasing levels of white blood cells like neutrophils and lymphocytes. (4)

Managing Bad Stress

The key to managing your stress is the ability to turn it on and off like a faucet. Left on too long, it can cause major damage to your mind and body. In our 21st-century world, stress doesn’t usually come in the form of occasionally fighting against life-threatening wild beasties as we hunt and gather our food. Instead, it manifests on a daily basis through routine stressors—a traffic-filled morning commute … a difficult boss … deadlines and demands … unresolved relationship issues … family obligations … and a cellphone chirping at you at all hours of the day.

Your body responds to this chronic stress by activating the hypothalamus, triggering your adrenal glands to release cortisol. When you’re constantly stressed, your cortisol levels are running high all the time. That’s why you—and your body—are headed for health trouble if you don’t get chronic stress under control.

A 2018 study published in the journal Circulation, for example, examined almost 222,000 people over the age of 45 and found that those with a high degree of stress had a significantly higher risk of heart attack or stroke. (5) Another study found that people who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other stress-related psychiatric issues were up to 46 percent more likely to develop an autoimmune disorder later in life. (6)

Other effects of chronic stress include:

Elevated blood sugar, increasing risk of diabetes

Weakened immune system

Leaky gut

Reduced ability to burn fat and increase in belly fat

Reduced (inadequate) levels of the adrenal hormone DHEA, testosterone, growth hormone, and thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH)

Non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD), which can lead to insulin resistance

Higher risk of depression, anxiety, and mood imbalances

Stress contributes to all modern, chronic disease.

No matter how picture perfect your lifestyle may appear to be—and no matter how healthy your diet is—if you’re not managing your stress effectively, you’re at risk for modern degenerative conditions like heart disease, diabetes, hypothyroidism, and autoimmune disorders.

Breathe Your Way to Stress Relief

While we can’t eliminate all stress from our lives, we can control our responses to it. Stressful experiences often trigger a cascade of fears and anxieties. As a result, we get so carried away by our thought processes that we’re unable to cope with the reality of the moment.

Enter mindful breathing. It’s exactly what it sounds like—being mindful of, or putting all your attention into, your breath.

This type of practice helps ground us in the present moment and focus on what is, right now, rather than what we fear might be. It’s a very helpful mindfulness technique, especially for beginners and for those who resist traditional meditation practices, because it gives you something specific to focus on—your breathing—when your mind starts to wander so you won’t get distracted by worries or other negative emotions.

Research shows that mindful breathing is one of the most effective tools in our toolbox to reduce stress and anxiety. In one study, practicing daily mindful breathing reduced feelings of test anxiety in college students, and eventually scientists stumbled upon the reason why: Deep breathing appears to deactivate a handful of brain nerve cells that trigger anxiety. (7, 8)

Try These Five Breathing Exercises for Stress Management

Ready to give it a try? Here are five breathing techniques to get you started.

1. Basic Beginner Breaths

If you’re just dipping your toes into mindful breathing, keep it as simple and straightforward as possible. The most basic way to do mindful breathing is to focus your attention on your breath, both the inhale and the exhale, ideally sitting or lying down (you may find it easier to hold onto your focus with your eyes closed).

Take exaggerated breaths: a deep three-second inhale through your nose, hold your breath for two seconds, and breathe out through your mouth for four seconds. When your mind wanders, bring your attention once again to your breath. Repeat. Try working your way up to about 15 minutes a day. (9)

2. Diaphragmatic Breathing

This type of breathing—also called “abdominal breathing” or “belly breathing”—slows your heartbeat and can also lower blood pressure. Diaphragmatic breathing reduces the body’s “fight-or-flight” response, researchers have found, and stimulates the activity of the vagal nerve, another important component of stress reduction. (10)

Here’s how to do it: (11)

Lie on your back on a flat surface with your knees bent (if needed, place a pillow under your knees for support)

Put one hand on your upper chest and one below your rib cage, so you can feel your diaphragm move as you breathe

Inhale slowly through your nose, feeling your stomach move out against your hand, then tighten your stomach muscles as you exhale through your mouth

Practice this type of breathing for five to 10 minutes, three to four times a day. As you get more comfortable with this method, you can even place a book on your stomach to make it a little more challenging (and effective).

3. Alternate Nostril Breathing

This technique—where you rotate inhaling through one nostril and exhaling through the other—is a yogic breath control practice. It’s thought to harmonize the two hemispheres of the brain, and, as a result, balances your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. A 2013 study found that people who practiced alternate nostril breathing lowered their perceived stress levels. (12)

Here’s how to do it: (13)

Sit straight up in a comfortable seat, your left palm comfortably in your lap

Lift your right hand to your face so that your pointer and middle fingers rest between your eyebrows

Close your eyes and inhale and exhale deeply through your nose

Close your right nostril with your right thumb while inhaling through your left nostril

Close your left nostril with your ring finger so both nostrils are held closed for a moment, then open your right nostril and exhale slowly through your right side

Inhale through your right nostril, then hold both nostrils closed with your ring finger and thumb

Open your left nostril and exhale slowly through your left side

Repeat five to 10 times once a day, or as desired

4. 4-7-8 Breathing

This technique, developed by integrative medicine guru Andrew Weil, MD, is based on the yogic technique pranayama. Weil himself refers to it as a natural tranquilizer for the nervous system.

How to do it: (14)

Sit with your back straight and place the tip of your tongue behind your upper front teeth. You’ll need to keep it there throughout this breathing exercise

Exhale through your mouth, making a whoosh sound

Close your mouth and inhale through your nose to the silent count of four

Hold your breath for a count of seven

Open your mouth and exhale through it, making a whoosh sound to a count of eight

Repeat this cycle three more times

Repeat this process at least twice a day

5. Body Scan

This breathing technique involves doing deep breathing while focusing your attention on different parts of your body, from head to toe, starting with your forehead and ending at the muscles in your feet. Combat veterans with PTSD who performed it for 20 minutes each day at home for six weeks reported improvements in symptoms, according to a 2016 Oregon Health & Science University study. (15) Another study of women aged 18 to 46 found that those who practiced body scan four days a week for three weeks reported feeling less stress and more happiness than a placebo group. (16) It can be done lying down or sitting—whatever’s most comfortable for you.

Here’s how to do a body scan: (17)

While sitting or lying down, close your eyes and pay attention to your body’s position—for example, the weight of your body against the chair or the floor

Take a deep breath, visualizing oxygen entering your body as you inhale and focusing on a sense of relaxation as you exhale

Focus on the sensations of your feet touching the floor or of your legs pressing against the chair

Now, work your way up to bring attention to other areas of your body. How does your back feel against the chair? Are your hands or stomach tense? (If so, try to relax them.) Loosen your shoulders and let your jaw relax

Take one more moment to notice your whole body, take a breath, and open your eyes

Initially, start with short periods of time of three to five minutes before working your way up to at least 20 minutes at least three times a week. The more you practice body scan, the more benefits you’ll enjoy.

Now, I’d like to hear from you. Have you ever tried any of these breathing exercises for stress? What were your results? Tell me below in the comments!

The post My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief appeared first on Chris Kresser.

Source: http://chriskresser.com December 07, 2018 at 04:36PM

[trinity-blood-translations]

Radio Head - Chapter IV. (Trinity Blood RAM 5)

Radio Head - Prologue Radio Head - Chapter I Radio Head - Chapter II Radio Head - Chapter III Radio Head - Chapter IV Radio Head - Epilogue

    *   *   *

Chapter IV

Page 228

At first sight it looked like a steel spider crawling up clumsy from the gaping wide hole on the floor. However it was impossible that such a being in nature would exist. The colossus which revealed himself on the deck with a giant body close to 4 meters in diameter, shedding a dim light from the steel body and with a weird rotating gatling gun tower ---- was XAM. Additionally from the head of the spider were rotating cameras to see. An external speaker occasionally spat scratching noises mixed with a voice.

  〈CAN……CAN NOT die……〉

It sounded as if a dead person were sobbing while crouching at the entrance of the netherworld. At the beginning it was so  quiet, that it was hard to understand. Lament with interruptions, but it tended to become gradually stronger till it reached a level of a shrill scream.

   〈CAN NOT die, CAN NOT die, CAN NOT die, CAN NOT die, CAN NOT die, CAN NOT die, CAN NOT die, CAN NOT dieeeeeeeee!!!〉

     “Huhh?!”

The screech of the woman and the scream of the sergeant overlapped each other. Giving a roar similar to the operating noise of the machine saw the gatling gun threw gunfire. The 12,75 millimeter machine gun bullet is enough to transform an armored vehicle easely into a honeycomb. As the detonation blast sounded on the surface of the deck, the above mentioned giant sergeant who was about to lift the muzzle, and the soldiers were turned in an instant into a bloodstained lump of meat. The salty sea breeze was mixed with terrible blood smell.

Page 229

      “G…..gyaaaaaaa!!!”

The next scream came from all the passengers who stood a bit away from the place of the tragedy and saw everything with their own eyes. The iron monster that suddenly appeared and the death he has scattered seemingly made the people lose their mind. Although the soldiers tried to control the situation with warnings, but even so, everybody tried to escape by running as if they didn’t hear---- but nevertheless, the multi-legged tank turret rotated faster. Deep holes drilled into the deck, one by one, and severed the escaping people right in the middle like a devilish sword. Moreover the gunfire stretched out upwards without a pause and skewered the airship that noticed the incident and was trying to change the course straight from the front.

      “Th…this voice is Francoise?! Idiot, she is…..”

The airship with the smashed gasbag turned into a gigantic fireball accompanied by a load explosion. Claude muttered dumbfounded while he was watching the explosion lights and the blaster above his head. The soldier just like he were watching a daydream wandered his gaze around, but suddenly came to his senses and raised his gaze, besides he drew closer to Puppeteer who was holding his chin with a self-satisfied look.

        “Ex…explain it, you bastard! What on earth is that?!”

       “Hmm, there is a theory of mine…”

Page 230

The young man answered in a serious and disappointed tone while on his beautiful face appeared sorrow indeed, but in fact he was desperately trying to resist to the urge not to roll around on the floor laughing. He pointed his sharp chin toward the iron spider, which was going berserk among the passengers and the soldiers who were running for their life, and took its victims en masse with its fireline and gigantic body, one after another.

         “The brain of your beloved suffered by the accident an irreparable damage, isn’t that so? At the time Dr. Dupree made his wife resurrect, I guess, he gave up to restore the brain in its original state. And finally, instead, he was searching for an exterior replacement……at any rate, at that time this thing was obviously just around the corner with its high-powered electric intelligence, the computer that could be used for that purpose.”           “The control system of XAM! Really? That’s why Lois was walking around the whole time with this monster. Because Francoise was in there…”

        “Something like that. However, to be exact, most likely it’s only a part of her soul copied into the machine, because only the memory field was substituted.”

The evil speech of the young man did not seem to have reached the ears of Claude. No, even if he heard it, he probably would have ignored it. He dropped his gun and sauntered off empty handed on the shaken deck. The iron monster screaming with the voice of a woman was there still producing blood, flesh and death en masse. The man walked in front of the monster without a sign of fear.

           “Francoise…….are you suffering, aren’t you……?”

The voice of Claude was soft and sounded for an insensate military person quite strange. Putting up both hands frankly as if he was about to hug his love he kept walking toward the multi-legged tank.

Page 231      

 Page 232

         “Francoise, poor……”

      〈CAN NOT die,…… CAN NOT die〉

The front camera similar to the head of a spider turned toward the approaching man. Accompanied by inorganic machine sounds the foot actuator began to operate and the colossus turned to Claude. But the man showed no sign of fear at all while he was standing in front of the approaching woman, tearfully in front of his former lover, whom he had stolen her life. He gently whispered with a solemn expression on his face as he looked up to the multi-legged tank which was moving his legs ominously smooth toward him. At this moment----- The foot of XAM stopped. Literally, the forefoot hung up in the air.

If the he would have stopped about 2 minutes later the body of Claude would have been squashed with the weight of more than 10 tons. The gigantic foot with the metal tube and the actuator implemented in it, touched even his hair but stopped in the air.

Was it because a god felt pity about the unfortunate soul or maybe an angel was emotionally touched by the love which had overcome even the fear, that it caused a miracle to happen ---- but it was such a beautiful sight completely reminiscent of a religious painting.

Page 233

In this sacred tranquility Claude reached out his hand to touch the tank and whispered to his beloved.

        “No matter what shape you have become, you are still you..... I love you. Let us go together. Somewhere at a quite place, just the two of us, let us stay together, Francoise……”

The love of the man was sincere without and if nobody interrupts this confession may last until eternity ---- if that steel foot overhead wouldn’t simply crush down onto him and smash his brain.

         “…….oops, that’s what I call instant death”

From the man whose head was easily trampled only his body was twitching on the foot of the multi-legged tank. On the other hand the tank gained again mobility. It didn't care about the man who just became a lump of meat. It lifted its leg and pulled up blood and cerebral fluid like a thread and returned to battle mode again.

       “Oh, what a heartbreaking scene…. however it was the doctor who gave her this shape but the original cause were you, Lieutenant. Being told by such guys, 'I love you!', usually makes one just angry.”

     〈kill,....me kill....kill, kiLL, kILL, KILL, KILL〉

While Puppeteer was immersed in deep emotion the multi-legged tank continued its death march. Over the armed group that have lost their will to fight and the surviving frightened passenger swirled the sword of massacre once again.

       “Oh my, ……..is it totally out of control?”

Puppeteer lamented in front of the tank, which trampled the people trying to escape or continued to mow them down with the machine-gun fire.

Page 234

But meanwhile he moved his fingers, reminiscent of a pianist, with fine movements in order to implant his “threads” into the corpses lying around. No matter how many people died, he wouldn’t care but if the ship sinks he will be in a big trouble. It’s really cold. And he really didn’t want to swim in the middle of winter.

        “I’m not supposed to have such a fight scene[1] as my hobby, ……..besides, this sort of trouble should be dealt with by “Magician”.

The young man grumbled while the “puppets” began to move.

Just a few minutes ago those lumps of meat lived, laughed, were talking about love. Now the heads were blown off by bullets, the internal organs were entirely squashed by the steel foot. But still, the muscles which were about to torn and the bones which were about to break have began to obey according to the pseudo-signal transmitted by the “threads”

and they started to deal with the requested tasks -------- the dead silently standing in the way of the multi-legged tank began to bury their claws into the monster. They used their already torn muscles to crawl up on the frame of the machine.

Of course the self-defense program of XAM bombed the opponents getting closer with a storm of bullets but as you know the dead have no fear. With half of the bodies blown off, though the strange insect-like crowd was still stuck to the frame and were trying to hook their fingernails into the tiny crevices of the armoring an tear it off. It seemed that the iron beast would be helplessly a prey of the crowd of the dead…..

      “Wow!”

Suddenly Puppeteer who was looking bored by the sight of the awful scene turned his eyes away,

Page 235

because a flickering light exploded around the XAM. The field of vision which had dyed pure white for a moment, normalized again after a few seconds. In his sight which began to regain colors again emerged shadows of the “puppets” clinging on the multi-legged tank and now they began to fall down one by one. All of them carbonized beyond all recognition.

         „Wow! That’s amazing! Was it an electromagnetic net? It was just killing more birds with one stone!”

The young man frowned by the stench of burned flesh rubbed his still unclear eyes. However as he saw that the multi-legged tank which burnt his “puppets” to ashes turned toward another direction, he couldn’t help but ducked.

           “Oops, no time to admire. Well then, should I do…?”

For implanting his “threads” into the corpses in the surroundings and make a shield of them wasn’t enough time left. Moreover all the corpses have suffered heavy damages so that they aren’t suitable for manipulation. Nevertheless he still tried hard to launch his “threads” some of the bodies, but…..

        „O-oh….don’t say it’s too late?”

The “puppets” just stood up with many trouble were trampled down easily again and the iron monster rushed over to “Puppeteer’s” direction ------- at this moment he showed an unusual serious expression.

      MPH-ARSL-GAIOL[2]、By the name and the sign of the mighty and petty Nothingness, I summon the seal of the sacrificial blood.....

This voice sounded like it wouldn’t come from here but from another world. Maybe as if it was coming from across the distance of the stars or from the deep bottom of the sea.

Page 236

Tell me, you angel, even if you has fallen. By the water of life of the innocent, I will set the seal of the contract on this pontoon. Therefore the nameless one who has many names – according to old oath – brings the extermination of our enemy ---- seal of Baphomet, come!

At this moment the huge body of XAM fleshed with red lights.

No, it wasn’t that. At the feet of the multi-legged tank which was closing in on “Puppeteer” appeared suddenly a dazzling light. The source of that glow was a strange circle which unnoticed pierced the deck. It was painted with the fresh blood of the dead who have just died in devastating death. It was as if a crimson snake wriggled drawing a complicated and mysterious magic circle ---- just like as it were a trap to catch the prey.

       〈”Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”〉

A dull scream from came from the speaker of XAM. Despite the fact that no blood was flowing in the steel body, it sounded like there were blood blister mixed in the scream.

However a further abnormal phenomenon appeared on the car body: as the magic circle emerged from the floor as if it were the deep-seated grudge of the dead and covered the body of the multi-legged tank from the feets ---- Wait, no! If you look closely, where the body of the multi-legged tank touched the deck, it looked like as if red rust would gradually devour it quickly from the soles on. Although it’s unthinkable that ordinary steel rusts that rapid like this. Not to mention for such an armour-plate made of special steel is absolutely impossible. But actually, in a matter of seconds was the huge body of XAM completely painted with the color of blood.

Page 237

As the distinctive stench of iron rust occasionally tickled the nose of “Puppeteer”, the giant completely eaten up by the red rust crushed down to the ground with a thunderous noise.

    〈”Ah, ah, die, I …..!”〉

The speaker partially buried by rust vomited the cracked noise with interruptions.

   〈”Yes…. I can die with this…..with this…..With….Th….”〉

Perhaps it was just a mere coincidence that at the same time as the voice that used up all his strength stopped  like a large animal breathes his last ---- the neck of the external camera broke off. However “Puppeteer” looked at this scene with eyes as he would see something very disgusting, he gave a deep sigh of relief in his heart.

          “This method gives evidence of bad taste….was that you, “Magician”?”

       〈” …..you always say that I have bad taste, don’t you?”〉

The sarcastic laugh resounded from under the feet’s of the young man.

As the reddish brown eyes looked down, his shadow strangely began to bent and then emerged like a thread of dripping darkness while as if somebody would pull it up.

         “My “Seal of Baphomet” is an electrolytic corrosion ---- this is surely an extremely sophisticated “magic” using the potential difference between dissimilar metals and discharge of ions. Calling it as bad taste or something like this….besides that, by all means it saved your life. Apart from what you really think, how about to show a little gratitude at least on the surface, “Puppeteer”?

Page 238

         “If you intend to make someone feel grateful take a bit better timing into consideration.”

The young man tried a meager protest against the completely black dressed gentleman who just literally gushed out from the darkness. He pointed at the bloodstain on his coat and pressed accusingly his lips together.

         “You know, this coat was pretty much my favorite one….so if you can use your magic trick to get rid of the stain, I will thank you with all my heart.”

          “Please don’t force me to something irrational like this. It bears repeating: my “Shadow”…… the wormhole isn’t available indefinitely. In the first place the wormhole is a micro-Black Hole of ultra small size. In the second place the world of quantum physics is dominated by far more troublesome principals than the macro-world…..”

          “Oh, how nice of you to say that![3] You saw me being bullied[4] and you were engrossed in your typical immoral pleasure, weren’t you? I sense a faint perversion and scent of conspiracy in your current timing.”

Puppeteer looked at his colleague who was keen at trying to justify himself and made a roguish sound with his throat. Then his gaze randomly shifted to the rusty iron lump lying on the ground.

        “Still, she was happy at the end to die, isn't that right?....Well, with this, I wonder if this story has a Happy Ending?”

       “Honestly, it sounds like you're dissatisfied that the story ended happily, isn’t that so Puppeteer”?”

There was nothing but everywhere miserable corpses of people who had enjoyed their lives without worrying until a few minutes ago:

Page 239

bodies turned into mincemeat by the bullets, burnt internal organs, besides, by the influence of the “fibers” still struggling severed arms and legs ------ The black haired gentleman pulled out somewhere a cigarillo while walking towards XAM trying not to step on the human remains scattered in the bloody mud. While he relaxed lit a fire, declared whit a deep voice:

       『Da der Tod (genau zu nehmen) der wahre Endzweck unseres Lebens ist”』[5] ----Mozart. Well, although many things happened, with this she got a rest, and even if we are bored, we will have from now on a calm journey. We all got what we were looking for. Isn’t that great? That’s right, if you like we could return to the lounge and get a drink to celebrate……..Huch ?

The sight of the “Magician” who was exhaling deep purple smoke fell unexpectedly at his feet. The eyes resembling of those of a dead fish were observing the crimson rotten scrapheap. A little while later he turned back to his travelling companion at ease.

      “Oh, this is bad, “Puppeteer”………it seems like I have to take back what I said before.”

      “He, what’s wrong?”

      “Mmh, our wish for a calm journey is seemingly fallen through. It’s because of this…..”

    〈The body damage has exceeded 90%〉

In the machine voice which interrupted the mellow voice of the “Magician”, there was no change at all since it was running wild just a while ago. However, it was neither the dead bride nor that ghost or something like this.

Page 240

The camera which should have stopped to operate rotated weakly and the lens captured the black-haired gentleman stood there very disappointed and the young man with the pretty face who was approaching from behind.

       〈From now on in order to maintain the confidentiality of the prototype this machine will switch into self-destruction mode. Persons within a radius of one hundred meters please leave this machine as soon as possible and get into guard position. I repeat: this machine…..〉

         “…..Hey Isaak, what does this mean?”

        “Oh, it seems like the body has returned to sanity ---- presumably as the pseudo-ego in the operation system disappeared, I guess the normal program started to running.”

         “No, that’s not I wanted to ask…… can you stop it? If it explodes in such a place this won’t this ship possibly sink?”

          “I quite agree with you…..unfortunately, it seems it’s a bit too late.”

Raising one eyebrow expressively “Magician” slightly stepped aside in order to let his companion see the running counter from before on the digital display of the lower part the multi legged tank. Right after that all the numbers on the liquid crystal display changed to zero ---- an then there was a violent explosion.

                                          (End of Part IV)

[1]荒 事 - Kabuki genre with brave warriors and grim deities and demons

[2] In Enochian (occult language recorded by John Dee and Edward Kelley in 1582), Mph Arsl Gaiol is the Holy name of the element Water.

[3] そんなこと言って – used if somebody gets angry or mad

[4] I guess he means by it that he was in trouble.

[5] As death, when we come to consider it closely, is the true goal of our existence. - This sentence is in the original Japanese novel written in German with katakana.

[buzzkillmag]

2019 WRAPPED: a few contributors’ (and my) records of the year

in order of release, here are some of our contributors’ albums of the year, alongside my extremely extensive list of my favorite LPs released in the past 365 days.

1. january 18, heard it in a past life by maggie rogers

this album, without a doubt, shaped this entire year for me, but whenever i’m asked to explain how, or why, i get choked up. at the time of its release, i was in such a strange place mentally that i couldn’t listen to “light on” - one of the most popular songs on the album - without sobbing uncontrollably, even if that meant excusing myself to cry in the restroom when it came on at work. i am so grateful to have had hiiapl to grow with this year. maggie rogers is one of the most influential artists in the world right now, and i know this album is a lot of people’s record of the year.  recommendations: light on, burning, on + off, the knife

2. january 25, amo by bring me the horizon

the return of british metalcore band bring me the horizon was such a heavily anticipated one, given the fact that their last LP release was in 2015, but i don’t think anyone could have expected the record they were going to release, or how different it would be from anything they’d ever made. bring me the horizon made a really impressive leap into something of an unknown; there has been, both unfortunately and understandably, some backlash regarding exactly what genres the band had decided to experiment with and whether they’d lost their roots in deathcore. but they’ve promised that despite this jump, they’ll still be as rowdy as ever in their live shows. amo is one of my favorite records of the year because of its genre-bending, and because of its desperation and emotion. it’s turned bring me the horizon from a band i never really cared for into one i now seek out when i’m thinking of what to listen to on drives. recommendations: mantra, in the dark, sugar honey ice + tea, mother tongue

3. february 1, midnight by set it off

my favorite record of 2019 is midnight by set it off. not only did the band completely reinvent their aesthetic, they also showcase a more mature and cohesive sound. cody (the lead singer) is a classically trained clarinetist and I think his knowledge of music really shows on this record. each song has little surprises here and there, and shows the work of musicians who understand rhythm and texture. there’s a little something for everyone, from the angsty undertones of “killer in the mirror” and “dancing with the devil,” to the raw, beautiful emotion of the ballad “unopened windows.” hands down best record of 2019!  -gabriela (twitter || instagram)

4. march 1, wasteland, baby! by hozier

I wish I could do my dissertation on the various ways Wasteland, Baby! is a masterpiece but unfortunately I'm in a museum studies program and I don't think my professors would accept that proposal. Hozier was somehow able to fit every emotion a human being is capable of feeling in a mere 57 minutes (and 21 seconds of course) and, by the end, has made the listener feel warm and hopeful despite a large theme being, y'know, the literal ending of everything. Don't even get me started on his referencing and imagery we could be here FOREVER talking about Shrike alone! Even Spotify was like "Hey this is literally all you listened to this year, you good?". Hozier and Wasteland, Baby! have been through one of the toughest years of my life with me - including the transition into a new country - and they will forever have a place in my heart.  -alissa (instagram)

5. march 22, mystic truth by bad suns

up until this year - and this release - bad suns were always a background artist in my life. i’ve been listening to them since they first released “cardiac arrest” and it was a single of the week on itunes, but only casually. this was, however, the year i saw them live, on their mystic truth tour in late spring.  recommendations: away we go, the world and i, love by mistake

6. march 29, you are ok by the maine

the maine are the most dramatic band in the world, and i love them to death for it. after staging a funeral for their 2017 release, lovely little lonely, in october 2018 to signify their departure from social media, they spent nearly six months in silence to write and record before releasing their seventh record, you are ok, this past march. this record makes me more - for lack of a better word - emo than any of their previous work, in spite and as a consequence of its blatant deviation from the loneliness of anything they’ve released pretty much since black & white. you are ok is, from its very first breath, evolved. recommendations: slip the noose, my best habit, tears won’t cry (shinju), heaven we’re already here

7. march 29, when we all fall asleep, where do we go? by billie eilish

the debut full-length from music prodigy billie eilish was long-awaited by dedicated fans and the general public alike, and when it finally dropped in march of this year, not a single person on this planet was disappointed (probably a hyperbole and consequently bad journalism, but who cares, i never claimed to tell the whole entire truth). when we all fall asleep is a genre-defying masterpiece; the tracks don’t feel as if they should be played on the radio, but because of eilish’s more mainstream previous releases, she’d essentially earned a permanent slot in most popular stations’ rotations. i also had the privilege of watching her play to one of the biggest crowds that reading festival’s main stage had ever seen, and she blew myself (and everyone else there) away.  recommendations: xanny, all the good girls go to hell, when the party’s over, my strange addiction, bury a friend

9. april 26, the balance by catfish and the bottlemen

despite criticisms that they’ve been making the same album for five years, i genuinely believe that with every new release, catfish and the bottlemen produce more emotionally coherent and intelligent music. i finally got to see them this year, on their tour supporting the balance, too, after years of casual listening. the balance turned me into a ravenous catfish fan; i spent two months after the show devouring all of the content surrounding them i could find, listening to all three of their albums on repeat, and crying endlessly over how beautiful van mccann is. this album absolutely defined the back half of my 2019, and i’m always shocked to learn that there are people who don’t love it as fiercely as i do. i have such an overflowing fountain of feelings about this album that i’m still not entirely sure how to write about, but all i have to say is that, if you haven’t yet, please please please give this album a spin.  recommendations: fluctuate, conversation, intermission, overlap

10. may 24, future dust by the amazons

the amazons are the best band i discovered this year, hands down. according to my spotify year in review, i listened to over 9 hours of their music since seeing them at reading in august (not including all the times i spun this record on vinyl in that time as well).  future dust is a masterpiece; there is not one bad track; every time i listen to it, it gets better. they’ve got rock and roll on lock. no one else has come close since maybe the arctic monkeys, but the amazons have brought it back. i’m having a hard time stringing together words about the way this record makes me feel, but i hope that you’ll see this, listen to it top to bottom six or seven times, and make your own feelings about it.  recommendations: mother, fuzzy tree, black magic, 25, doubt

11. june 14, doom days by bastille

i will probably forever hate myself for falling out of love with bastille after i graduated high school. i’m not entirely sure what happened (actually, i am - i was shoved too far up the maine’s ass to care about anything else) but i know that i loved them more than anything when i was a teenager, and the doom days album cycle - specifically their reading set - reignited that love, so i’ll be forever grateful to it for that. this album is conceptual and amazing, set over the course of one night when the writer - presumably frontman dan smith, whose brain this came out of - attends a party with his friends in an attempt at escapism. the world is fucked - dan’s words, but also mine - and sometimes we really do just need to pull the wool over our own eyes for once and let loose, even if just for a night. it starts at a “quarter past midnight,” when the night has only just begun, endless possibilities stretched out ahead of him, and finishes with “joy,” about waking up on the kitchen floor, your phone going off in your hand, the only person who really matters in your life on the other end of the line. bastille have always released music that makes it clear that they give a fuck what happens to earth and her people, and with doom days, they’ve perfected that sound.  recommendations: quarter past midnight, divide, million pieces, joy

12. august 23, GINGER by brockhampton

after a brief hiatus, my favourite all-american boyband returned with their fifth studio album, GINGER. with a noticeably matured and somewhat mellowed shift within the hip-hop collective, this record explores themes of grief and disconnection to the backdrop of upbeat melodies such as on "boy bye" and sweet love songs such as on "sugar". though perhaps my favourite sentiment on this record lies within the fact that it opens with the echoed words, "I don't know where I'm going," and closes poignantly with the heartfelt statement, "Thank God that I'm built for the distance." -katy (twitter | instagram)

13. september 13, hypersonic missiles by sam fender

hypersonic missiles, the debut full-length from geordie singer-songwriter-maestro sam fender, was my most anticipated release this year. fender has faced a mess of obstacles this year, mostly health-related, after winning the BRIT awards’ critics’ choice award at the start of it, and as a result has had to cancel a majority of the shows he’d had schedules and push back the release of hypersonic missiles a whole month. it was well worth the wait, though, and i ended up writing an essay-length review of it for highlight magazine when i finally did get to hear it. filled to the brim with emotional ballads and belters alike, hypersonic missiles is a culmination of over five years of songwriting and even longer of sam being fed up - with his government, with his peers, with the misrepresentation of mental health by the media. we’ve only had this record for three months, but i can already tell it’s timeless. i’m only hoping sam’s voice recovers enough that he can continue to tour to promote it before returning to studio (reportedly the electric lady in new york city!) to record his second release.  recommendations: hypersonic missiles, white privilege, you’re not the only one, will we talk?, two people

14. september 13, pride & disaster by sleep on it

my favorite record of the year is undoubtedly ‘Pride & Disaster’ by Sleep On It. Pride & Disaster arrived the perfect time for me, as I just transferred out of college. I felt lost and unsure of my future. However, listening to Pride & Disaster gave me a sense of hope and support that I’ll be okay on my new journey. -julie (twitter)

15. october 4, interrobang by bayside

Just like the title, there's no single form of punctuation that can explain the brilliance of this album. 'Interrobang' takes the classic Bayside sound to a new level with heavier riffs, faster time signatures, and iconic lyrics. From "Heaven," a stand out anthem for aging punks in the scene to "Bury Me," a melodic metal inspired breakout track, this album is laced together perfectly with both the past and future of Bayside. By tip toeing the line between metal, alt rock, and pop punk, the band has shown that even after almost twenty years as a band, they can still innovate and transform with new music. -katie (twitter | instagram) 

16. december 13, fine line by harry styles

i wanted to include this in this roundup, considering i haven’t stopped listening to it since it came out (and i saw him live!), but i did also write an entire review of the album. you can read it here!

honorable mentions (aka albums i didn’t feel like writing an essay about - or just didn’t listen to all that much - but still think you should give a chance)

1. swmrs, berkeley’s on fire (february 15, 2019) 2. circa waves, what’s it like over there? (april 4, 2019 -  i wrote a whole review about this record for highlight and not many of my feelings about it have changed since then.) 3. cage the elephant, social cues (april 19, 2019) 4. ten tonnes, ten tonnes (may 3, 2019) 5. palace, life after (july 12, 2019) 6. clairo, immunity (august 2, 2019) 7. the myserines, take control ep (august 8, 2019) 8. muna, saves the day (september 6, 2019) 9. from indian lakes, dimly lit (october 18, 2019)

[edsenger]

My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief

A little stress is the spice of life, and it has its benefits. Healthy stress can help sharpen your focus so you can power through that work presentation, for example, creatively solve a pressing problem, or even run a 5K at top form. If you had no stress in your life, you’d likely be bored, unmotivated, and not living up to your full potential.

But when stress becomes chronic, or long term, it begins to take a toll on both your body and your brain—which happens to way too many of us. More than three-fourths of all Americans regularly experience stress-related physical symptoms such as fatigue, headache, or an upset stomach. (1) Stress seeps into relationships, invades your office space, and keeps you up at night.

Fortunately, you can learn to manage it—and simple breathing techniques can help. Here are five breathing exercises for stress relief to help you through your next difficult moment.

Diabetes, autoimmune disorders, and gut dysbiosis all have links to chronic stress. If you’re feeling stressed day in and day out, these breathing exercises can help. Take a deep breath and check out five breathing techniques that can help you find relief. #healthylifestyle #wellness

This Is You on Stress

Stress is a normal mind–body response that all of us experience to some degree. Physiologist Hans Selye first used "stress" in this sense in 1936, defining it as the “non-specific response of the body to any demand made upon it.” (2)

When you’re stressed, you go into what’s known as “fight-or-flight” mode: your body releases a surge of stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, which snaps you into high-alert mode. Your blood pressure and heart rate go up, your muscles tighten, you breathe faster, and your senses sharpen.

There are real evolutionary advantages to this. After all, how do you think our Paleolithic ancestors survived being chased by predators? These physical changes in your body speed your reaction time and enhance your focus and allow you to act quickly and decisively. This rush of stress hormones appears to temporarily strengthen brain neuron connections, which, in turn, may improve your memory and concentration over the short term.

Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley found that rats exposed to acute but short-lived stress doubled the production of new brain cells in their hippocampus (the memory center of the brain), compared to brain cell production under normal conditions. (3) This type of short-term stress may actually help to temporarily boost immunity by increasing levels of white blood cells like neutrophils and lymphocytes. (4)

Managing Bad Stress

The key to managing your stress is the ability to turn it on and off like a faucet. Left on too long, it can cause major damage to your mind and body. In our 21st-century world, stress doesn’t usually come in the form of occasionally fighting against life-threatening wild beasties as we hunt and gather our food. Instead, it manifests on a daily basis through routine stressors—a traffic-filled morning commute … a difficult boss … deadlines and demands … unresolved relationship issues … family obligations … and a cellphone chirping at you at all hours of the day.

Your body responds to this chronic stress by activating the hypothalamus, triggering your adrenal glands to release cortisol. When you’re constantly stressed, your cortisol levels are running high all the time. That’s why you—and your body—are headed for health trouble if you don’t get chronic stress under control.

A 2018 study published in the journal Circulation, for example, examined almost 222,000 people over the age of 45 and found that those with a high degree of stress had a significantly higher risk of heart attack or stroke. (5) Another study found that people who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other stress-related psychiatric issues were up to 46 percent more likely to develop an autoimmune disorder later in life. (6)

Other effects of chronic stress include:

Elevated blood sugar, increasing risk of diabetes

Weakened immune system

Leaky gut

Reduced ability to burn fat and increase in belly fat

Reduced (inadequate) levels of the adrenal hormone DHEA, testosterone, growth hormone, and thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH)

Non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD), which can lead to insulin resistance

Higher risk of depression, anxiety, and mood imbalances

Stress contributes to all modern, chronic disease.

No matter how picture perfect your lifestyle may appear to be—and no matter how healthy your diet is—if you’re not managing your stress effectively, you’re at risk for modern degenerative conditions like heart disease, diabetes, hypothyroidism, and autoimmune disorders.

Breathe Your Way to Stress Relief

While we can’t eliminate all stress from our lives, we can control our responses to it. Stressful experiences often trigger a cascade of fears and anxieties. As a result, we get so carried away by our thought processes that we’re unable to cope with the reality of the moment.

Enter mindful breathing. It’s exactly what it sounds like—being mindful of, or putting all your attention into, your breath.

This type of practice helps ground us in the present moment and focus on what is, right now, rather than what we fear might be. It’s a very helpful mindfulness technique, especially for beginners and for those who resist traditional meditation practices, because it gives you something specific to focus on—your breathing—when your mind starts to wander so you won’t get distracted by worries or other negative emotions.

Research shows that mindful breathing is one of the most effective tools in our toolbox to reduce stress and anxiety. In one study, practicing daily mindful breathing reduced feelings of test anxiety in college students, and eventually scientists stumbled upon the reason why: Deep breathing appears to deactivate a handful of brain nerve cells that trigger anxiety. (7, 8)

Try These Five Breathing Exercises for Stress Management

Ready to give it a try? Here are five breathing techniques to get you started.

1. Basic Beginner Breaths

If you’re just dipping your toes into mindful breathing, keep it as simple and straightforward as possible. The most basic way to do mindful breathing is to focus your attention on your breath, both the inhale and the exhale, ideally sitting or lying down (you may find it easier to hold onto your focus with your eyes closed).

Take exaggerated breaths: a deep three-second inhale through your nose, hold your breath for two seconds, and breathe out through your mouth for four seconds. When your mind wanders, bring your attention once again to your breath. Repeat. Try working your way up to about 15 minutes a day. (9)

2. Diaphragmatic Breathing

This type of breathing—also called “abdominal breathing” or “belly breathing”—slows your heartbeat and can also lower blood pressure. Diaphragmatic breathing reduces the body’s “fight-or-flight” response, researchers have found, and stimulates the activity of the vagal nerve, another important component of stress reduction. (10)

Here’s how to do it: (11)

Lie on your back on a flat surface with your knees bent (if needed, place a pillow under your knees for support)

Put one hand on your upper chest and one below your rib cage, so you can feel your diaphragm move as you breathe

Inhale slowly through your nose, feeling your stomach move out against your hand, then tighten your stomach muscles as you exhale through your mouth

Practice this type of breathing for five to 10 minutes, three to four times a day. As you get more comfortable with this method, you can even place a book on your stomach to make it a little more challenging (and effective).

3. Alternate Nostril Breathing

This technique—where you rotate inhaling through one nostril and exhaling through the other—is a yogic breath control practice. It’s thought to harmonize the two hemispheres of the brain, and, as a result, balances your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. A 2013 study found that people who practiced alternate nostril breathing lowered their perceived stress levels. (12)

Here’s how to do it: (13)

Sit straight up in a comfortable seat, your left palm comfortably in your lap

Lift your right hand to your face so that your pointer and middle fingers rest between your eyebrows

Close your eyes and inhale and exhale deeply through your nose

Close your right nostril with your right thumb while inhaling through your left nostril

Close your left nostril with your ring finger so both nostrils are held closed for a moment, then open your right nostril and exhale slowly through your right side

Inhale through your right nostril, then hold both nostrils closed with your ring finger and thumb

Open your left nostril and exhale slowly through your left side

Repeat five to 10 times once a day, or as desired

4. 4-7-8 Breathing

This technique, developed by integrative medicine guru Andrew Weil, MD, is based on the yogic technique pranayama. Weil himself refers to it as a natural tranquilizer for the nervous system.

How to do it: (14)

Sit with your back straight and place the tip of your tongue behind your upper front teeth. You’ll need to keep it there throughout this breathing exercise

Exhale through your mouth, making a whoosh sound

Close your mouth and inhale through your nose to the silent count of four

Hold your breath for a count of seven

Open your mouth and exhale through it, making a whoosh sound to a count of eight

Repeat this cycle three more times

Repeat this process at least twice a day

5. Body Scan

This breathing technique involves doing deep breathing while focusing your attention on different parts of your body, from head to toe, starting with your forehead and ending at the muscles in your feet. Combat veterans with PTSD who performed it for 20 minutes each day at home for six weeks reported improvements in symptoms, according to a 2016 Oregon Health & Science University study. (15) Another study of women aged 18 to 46 found that those who practiced body scan four days a week for three weeks reported feeling less stress and more happiness than a placebo group. (16) It can be done lying down or sitting—whatever’s most comfortable for you.

Here’s how to do a body scan: (17)

While sitting or lying down, close your eyes and pay attention to your body’s position—for example, the weight of your body against the chair or the floor

Take a deep breath, visualizing oxygen entering your body as you inhale and focusing on a sense of relaxation as you exhale

Focus on the sensations of your feet touching the floor or of your legs pressing against the chair

Now, work your way up to bring attention to other areas of your body. How does your back feel against the chair? Are your hands or stomach tense? (If so, try to relax them.) Loosen your shoulders and let your jaw relax

Take one more moment to notice your whole body, take a breath, and open your eyes

Initially, start with short periods of time of three to five minutes before working your way up to at least 20 minutes at least three times a week. The more you practice body scan, the more benefits you’ll enjoy.

Now, I’d like to hear from you. Have you ever tried any of these breathing exercises for stress? What were your results? Tell me below in the comments!

The post My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief appeared first on Chris Kresser.

My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief published first on https://brightendentalhouston.weebly.com/

[jesseneufeld]

My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief

A little stress is the spice of life, and it has its benefits. Healthy stress can help sharpen your focus so you can power through that work presentation, for example, creatively solve a pressing problem, or even run a 5K at top form. If you had no stress in your life, you’d likely be bored, unmotivated, and not living up to your full potential.

But when stress becomes chronic, or long term, it begins to take a toll on both your body and your brain—which happens to way too many of us. More than three-fourths of all Americans regularly experience stress-related physical symptoms such as fatigue, headache, or an upset stomach. (1) Stress seeps into relationships, invades your office space, and keeps you up at night.

Fortunately, you can learn to manage it—and simple breathing techniques can help. Here are five breathing exercises for stress relief to help you through your next difficult moment.

Diabetes, autoimmune disorders, and gut dysbiosis all have links to chronic stress. If you’re feeling stressed day in and day out, these breathing exercises can help. Take a deep breath and check out five breathing techniques that can help you find relief. #healthylifestyle #wellness

This Is You on Stress

Stress is a normal mind–body response that all of us experience to some degree. Physiologist Hans Selye first used "stress" in this sense in 1936, defining it as the “non-specific response of the body to any demand made upon it.” (2)

When you’re stressed, you go into what’s known as “fight-or-flight” mode: your body releases a surge of stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, which snaps you into high-alert mode. Your blood pressure and heart rate go up, your muscles tighten, you breathe faster, and your senses sharpen.

There are real evolutionary advantages to this. After all, how do you think our Paleolithic ancestors survived being chased by predators? These physical changes in your body speed your reaction time and enhance your focus and allow you to act quickly and decisively. This rush of stress hormones appears to temporarily strengthen brain neuron connections, which, in turn, may improve your memory and concentration over the short term.

Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley found that rats exposed to acute but short-lived stress doubled the production of new brain cells in their hippocampus (the memory center of the brain), compared to brain cell production under normal conditions. (3) This type of short-term stress may actually help to temporarily boost immunity by increasing levels of white blood cells like neutrophils and lymphocytes. (4)

Managing Bad Stress

The key to managing your stress is the ability to turn it on and off like a faucet. Left on too long, it can cause major damage to your mind and body. In our 21st-century world, stress doesn’t usually come in the form of occasionally fighting against life-threatening wild beasties as we hunt and gather our food. Instead, it manifests on a daily basis through routine stressors—a traffic-filled morning commute … a difficult boss … deadlines and demands … unresolved relationship issues … family obligations … and a cellphone chirping at you at all hours of the day.

Your body responds to this chronic stress by activating the hypothalamus, triggering your adrenal glands to release cortisol. When you’re constantly stressed, your cortisol levels are running high all the time. That’s why you—and your body—are headed for health trouble if you don’t get chronic stress under control.

A 2018 study published in the journal Circulation, for example, examined almost 222,000 people over the age of 45 and found that those with a high degree of stress had a significantly higher risk of heart attack or stroke. (5) Another study found that people who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other stress-related psychiatric issues were up to 46 percent more likely to develop an autoimmune disorder later in life. (6)

Other effects of chronic stress include:

Elevated blood sugar, increasing risk of diabetes

Weakened immune system

Leaky gut

Reduced ability to burn fat and increase in belly fat

Reduced (inadequate) levels of the adrenal hormone DHEA, testosterone, growth hormone, and thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH)

Non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD), which can lead to insulin resistance

Higher risk of depression, anxiety, and mood imbalances

Stress contributes to all modern, chronic disease.

No matter how picture perfect your lifestyle may appear to be—and no matter how healthy your diet is—if you’re not managing your stress effectively, you’re at risk for modern degenerative conditions like heart disease, diabetes, hypothyroidism, and autoimmune disorders.

Breathe Your Way to Stress Relief

While we can’t eliminate all stress from our lives, we can control our responses to it. Stressful experiences often trigger a cascade of fears and anxieties. As a result, we get so carried away by our thought processes that we’re unable to cope with the reality of the moment.

Enter mindful breathing. It’s exactly what it sounds like—being mindful of, or putting all your attention into, your breath.

This type of practice helps ground us in the present moment and focus on what is, right now, rather than what we fear might be. It’s a very helpful mindfulness technique, especially for beginners and for those who resist traditional meditation practices, because it gives you something specific to focus on—your breathing—when your mind starts to wander so you won’t get distracted by worries or other negative emotions.

Research shows that mindful breathing is one of the most effective tools in our toolbox to reduce stress and anxiety. In one study, practicing daily mindful breathing reduced feelings of test anxiety in college students, and eventually scientists stumbled upon the reason why: Deep breathing appears to deactivate a handful of brain nerve cells that trigger anxiety. (7, 8)

Try These Five Breathing Exercises for Stress Management

Ready to give it a try? Here are five breathing techniques to get you started.

1. Basic Beginner Breaths

If you’re just dipping your toes into mindful breathing, keep it as simple and straightforward as possible. The most basic way to do mindful breathing is to focus your attention on your breath, both the inhale and the exhale, ideally sitting or lying down (you may find it easier to hold onto your focus with your eyes closed).

Take exaggerated breaths: a deep three-second inhale through your nose, hold your breath for two seconds, and breathe out through your mouth for four seconds. When your mind wanders, bring your attention once again to your breath. Repeat. Try working your way up to about 15 minutes a day. (9)

2. Diaphragmatic Breathing

This type of breathing—also called “abdominal breathing” or “belly breathing”—slows your heartbeat and can also lower blood pressure. Diaphragmatic breathing reduces the body’s “fight-or-flight” response, researchers have found, and stimulates the activity of the vagal nerve, another important component of stress reduction. (10)

Here’s how to do it: (11)

Lie on your back on a flat surface with your knees bent (if needed, place a pillow under your knees for support)

Put one hand on your upper chest and one below your rib cage, so you can feel your diaphragm move as you breathe

Inhale slowly through your nose, feeling your stomach move out against your hand, then tighten your stomach muscles as you exhale through your mouth

Practice this type of breathing for five to 10 minutes, three to four times a day. As you get more comfortable with this method, you can even place a book on your stomach to make it a little more challenging (and effective).

3. Alternate Nostril Breathing

This technique—where you rotate inhaling through one nostril and exhaling through the other—is a yogic breath control practice. It’s thought to harmonize the two hemispheres of the brain, and, as a result, balances your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. A 2013 study found that people who practiced alternate nostril breathing lowered their perceived stress levels. (12)

Here’s how to do it: (13)

Sit straight up in a comfortable seat, your left palm comfortably in your lap

Lift your right hand to your face so that your pointer and middle fingers rest between your eyebrows

Close your eyes and inhale and exhale deeply through your nose

Close your right nostril with your right thumb while inhaling through your left nostril

Close your left nostril with your ring finger so both nostrils are held closed for a moment, then open your right nostril and exhale slowly through your right side

Inhale through your right nostril, then hold both nostrils closed with your ring finger and thumb

Open your left nostril and exhale slowly through your left side

Repeat five to 10 times once a day, or as desired

4. 4-7-8 Breathing

This technique, developed by integrative medicine guru Andrew Weil, MD, is based on the yogic technique pranayama. Weil himself refers to it as a natural tranquilizer for the nervous system.

How to do it: (14)

Sit with your back straight and place the tip of your tongue behind your upper front teeth. You’ll need to keep it there throughout this breathing exercise

Exhale through your mouth, making a whoosh sound

Close your mouth and inhale through your nose to the silent count of four

Hold your breath for a count of seven

Open your mouth and exhale through it, making a whoosh sound to a count of eight

Repeat this cycle three more times

Repeat this process at least twice a day

5. Body Scan

This breathing technique involves doing deep breathing while focusing your attention on different parts of your body, from head to toe, starting with your forehead and ending at the muscles in your feet. Combat veterans with PTSD who performed it for 20 minutes each day at home for six weeks reported improvements in symptoms, according to a 2016 Oregon Health & Science University study. (15) Another study of women aged 18 to 46 found that those who practiced body scan four days a week for three weeks reported feeling less stress and more happiness than a placebo group. (16) It can be done lying down or sitting—whatever’s most comfortable for you.

Here’s how to do a body scan: (17)

While sitting or lying down, close your eyes and pay attention to your body’s position—for example, the weight of your body against the chair or the floor

Take a deep breath, visualizing oxygen entering your body as you inhale and focusing on a sense of relaxation as you exhale

Focus on the sensations of your feet touching the floor or of your legs pressing against the chair

Now, work your way up to bring attention to other areas of your body. How does your back feel against the chair? Are your hands or stomach tense? (If so, try to relax them.) Loosen your shoulders and let your jaw relax

Take one more moment to notice your whole body, take a breath, and open your eyes

Initially, start with short periods of time of three to five minutes before working your way up to at least 20 minutes at least three times a week. The more you practice body scan, the more benefits you’ll enjoy.

Now, I’d like to hear from you. Have you ever tried any of these breathing exercises for stress? What were your results? Tell me below in the comments!

The post My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief appeared first on Chris Kresser.

My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief published first on https://drugaddictionsrehab.tumblr.com/

[shapesnnsizes]

My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief

A little stress is the spice of life, and it has its benefits. Healthy stress can help sharpen your focus so you can power through that work presentation, for example, creatively solve a pressing problem, or even run a 5K at top form. If you had no stress in your life, you’d likely be bored, unmotivated, and not living up to your full potential.

But when stress becomes chronic, or long term, it begins to take a toll on both your body and your brain—which happens to way too many of us. More than three-fourths of all Americans regularly experience stress-related physical symptoms such as fatigue, headache, or an upset stomach. (1) Stress seeps into relationships, invades your office space, and keeps you up at night.

Fortunately, you can learn to manage it—and simple breathing techniques can help. Here are five breathing exercises for stress relief to help you through your next difficult moment.

Diabetes, autoimmune disorders, and gut dysbiosis all have links to chronic stress. If you’re feeling stressed day in and day out, these breathing exercises can help. Take a deep breath and check out five breathing techniques that can help you find relief. #healthylifestyle #wellness

This Is You on Stress

Stress is a normal mind–body response that all of us experience to some degree. Physiologist Hans Selye first used "stress" in this sense in 1936, defining it as the “non-specific response of the body to any demand made upon it.” (2)

When you’re stressed, you go into what’s known as “fight-or-flight” mode: your body releases a surge of stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, which snaps you into high-alert mode. Your blood pressure and heart rate go up, your muscles tighten, you breathe faster, and your senses sharpen.

There are real evolutionary advantages to this. After all, how do you think our Paleolithic ancestors survived being chased by predators? These physical changes in your body speed your reaction time and enhance your focus and allow you to act quickly and decisively. This rush of stress hormones appears to temporarily strengthen brain neuron connections, which, in turn, may improve your memory and concentration over the short term.

Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley found that rats exposed to acute but short-lived stress doubled the production of new brain cells in their hippocampus (the memory center of the brain), compared to brain cell production under normal conditions. (3) This type of short-term stress may actually help to temporarily boost immunity by increasing levels of white blood cells like neutrophils and lymphocytes. (4)

Managing Bad Stress

The key to managing your stress is the ability to turn it on and off like a faucet. Left on too long, it can cause major damage to your mind and body. In our 21st-century world, stress doesn’t usually come in the form of occasionally fighting against life-threatening wild beasties as we hunt and gather our food. Instead, it manifests on a daily basis through routine stressors—a traffic-filled morning commute … a difficult boss … deadlines and demands … unresolved relationship issues … family obligations … and a cellphone chirping at you at all hours of the day.

Your body responds to this chronic stress by activating the hypothalamus, triggering your adrenal glands to release cortisol. When you’re constantly stressed, your cortisol levels are running high all the time. That’s why you—and your body—are headed for health trouble if you don’t get chronic stress under control.

A 2018 study published in the journal Circulation, for example, examined almost 222,000 people over the age of 45 and found that those with a high degree of stress had a significantly higher risk of heart attack or stroke. (5) Another study found that people who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other stress-related psychiatric issues were up to 46 percent more likely to develop an autoimmune disorder later in life. (6)

Other effects of chronic stress include:

Elevated blood sugar, increasing risk of diabetes

Weakened immune system

Leaky gut

Reduced ability to burn fat and increase in belly fat

Reduced (inadequate) levels of the adrenal hormone DHEA, testosterone, growth hormone, and thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH)

Non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD), which can lead to insulin resistance

Higher risk of depression, anxiety, and mood imbalances

Stress contributes to all modern, chronic disease.

No matter how picture perfect your lifestyle may appear to be—and no matter how healthy your diet is—if you’re not managing your stress effectively, you’re at risk for modern degenerative conditions like heart disease, diabetes, hypothyroidism, and autoimmune disorders.

Breathe Your Way to Stress Relief

While we can’t eliminate all stress from our lives, we can control our responses to it. Stressful experiences often trigger a cascade of fears and anxieties. As a result, we get so carried away by our thought processes that we’re unable to cope with the reality of the moment.

Enter mindful breathing. It’s exactly what it sounds like—being mindful of, or putting all your attention into, your breath.

This type of practice helps ground us in the present moment and focus on what is, right now, rather than what we fear might be. It’s a very helpful mindfulness technique, especially for beginners and for those who resist traditional meditation practices, because it gives you something specific to focus on—your breathing—when your mind starts to wander so you won’t get distracted by worries or other negative emotions.

Research shows that mindful breathing is one of the most effective tools in our toolbox to reduce stress and anxiety. In one study, practicing daily mindful breathing reduced feelings of test anxiety in college students, and eventually scientists stumbled upon the reason why: Deep breathing appears to deactivate a handful of brain nerve cells that trigger anxiety. (7, 8)

Try These Five Breathing Exercises for Stress Management

Ready to give it a try? Here are five breathing techniques to get you started.

1. Basic Beginner Breaths

If you’re just dipping your toes into mindful breathing, keep it as simple and straightforward as possible. The most basic way to do mindful breathing is to focus your attention on your breath, both the inhale and the exhale, ideally sitting or lying down (you may find it easier to hold onto your focus with your eyes closed).

Take exaggerated breaths: a deep three-second inhale through your nose, hold your breath for two seconds, and breathe out through your mouth for four seconds. When your mind wanders, bring your attention once again to your breath. Repeat. Try working your way up to about 15 minutes a day. (9)

2. Diaphragmatic Breathing

This type of breathing—also called “abdominal breathing” or “belly breathing”—slows your heartbeat and can also lower blood pressure. Diaphragmatic breathing reduces the body’s “fight-or-flight” response, researchers have found, and stimulates the activity of the vagal nerve, another important component of stress reduction. (10)

Here’s how to do it: (11)

Lie on your back on a flat surface with your knees bent (if needed, place a pillow under your knees for support)

Put one hand on your upper chest and one below your rib cage, so you can feel your diaphragm move as you breathe

Inhale slowly through your nose, feeling your stomach move out against your hand, then tighten your stomach muscles as you exhale through your mouth

Practice this type of breathing for five to 10 minutes, three to four times a day. As you get more comfortable with this method, you can even place a book on your stomach to make it a little more challenging (and effective).

3. Alternate Nostril Breathing

This technique—where you rotate inhaling through one nostril and exhaling through the other—is a yogic breath control practice. It’s thought to harmonize the two hemispheres of the brain, and, as a result, balances your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. A 2013 study found that people who practiced alternate nostril breathing lowered their perceived stress levels. (12)

Here’s how to do it: (13)

Sit straight up in a comfortable seat, your left palm comfortably in your lap

Lift your right hand to your face so that your pointer and middle fingers rest between your eyebrows

Close your eyes and inhale and exhale deeply through your nose

Close your right nostril with your right thumb while inhaling through your left nostril

Close your left nostril with your ring finger so both nostrils are held closed for a moment, then open your right nostril and exhale slowly through your right side

Inhale through your right nostril, then hold both nostrils closed with your ring finger and thumb

Open your left nostril and exhale slowly through your left side

Repeat five to 10 times once a day, or as desired

4. 4-7-8 Breathing

This technique, developed by integrative medicine guru Andrew Weil, MD, is based on the yogic technique pranayama. Weil himself refers to it as a natural tranquilizer for the nervous system.

How to do it: (14)

Sit with your back straight and place the tip of your tongue behind your upper front teeth. You’ll need to keep it there throughout this breathing exercise

Exhale through your mouth, making a whoosh sound

Close your mouth and inhale through your nose to the silent count of four

Hold your breath for a count of seven

Open your mouth and exhale through it, making a whoosh sound to a count of eight

Repeat this cycle three more times

Repeat this process at least twice a day

5. Body Scan

This breathing technique involves doing deep breathing while focusing your attention on different parts of your body, from head to toe, starting with your forehead and ending at the muscles in your feet. Combat veterans with PTSD who performed it for 20 minutes each day at home for six weeks reported improvements in symptoms, according to a 2016 Oregon Health & Science University study. (15) Another study of women aged 18 to 46 found that those who practiced body scan four days a week for three weeks reported feeling less stress and more happiness than a placebo group. (16) It can be done lying down or sitting—whatever’s most comfortable for you.

Here’s how to do a body scan: (17)

While sitting or lying down, close your eyes and pay attention to your body’s position—for example, the weight of your body against the chair or the floor

Take a deep breath, visualizing oxygen entering your body as you inhale and focusing on a sense of relaxation as you exhale

Focus on the sensations of your feet touching the floor or of your legs pressing against the chair

Now, work your way up to bring attention to other areas of your body. How does your back feel against the chair? Are your hands or stomach tense? (If so, try to relax them.) Loosen your shoulders and let your jaw relax

Take one more moment to notice your whole body, take a breath, and open your eyes

Initially, start with short periods of time of three to five minutes before working your way up to at least 20 minutes at least three times a week. The more you practice body scan, the more benefits you’ll enjoy.

Now, I’d like to hear from you. Have you ever tried any of these breathing exercises for stress? What were your results? Tell me below in the comments!

The post My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief appeared first on Chris Kresser.

[denisalvney]

My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief

A little stress is the spice of life, and it has its benefits. Healthy stress can help sharpen your focus so you can power through that work presentation, for example, creatively solve a pressing problem, or even run a 5K at top form. If you had no stress in your life, you’d likely be bored, unmotivated, and not living up to your full potential.

But when stress becomes chronic, or long term, it begins to take a toll on both your body and your brain—which happens to way too many of us. More than three-fourths of all Americans regularly experience stress-related physical symptoms such as fatigue, headache, or an upset stomach. (1) Stress seeps into relationships, invades your office space, and keeps you up at night.

Fortunately, you can learn to manage it—and simple breathing techniques can help. Here are five breathing exercises for stress relief to help you through your next difficult moment.

Diabetes, autoimmune disorders, and gut dysbiosis all have links to chronic stress. If you’re feeling stressed day in and day out, these breathing exercises can help. Take a deep breath and check out five breathing techniques that can help you find relief. #healthylifestyle #wellness

This Is You on Stress

Stress is a normal mind–body response that all of us experience to some degree. Physiologist Hans Selye first used "stress" in this sense in 1936, defining it as the “non-specific response of the body to any demand made upon it.” (2)

When you’re stressed, you go into what’s known as “fight-or-flight” mode: your body releases a surge of stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, which snaps you into high-alert mode. Your blood pressure and heart rate go up, your muscles tighten, you breathe faster, and your senses sharpen.

There are real evolutionary advantages to this. After all, how do you think our Paleolithic ancestors survived being chased by predators? These physical changes in your body speed your reaction time and enhance your focus and allow you to act quickly and decisively. This rush of stress hormones appears to temporarily strengthen brain neuron connections, which, in turn, may improve your memory and concentration over the short term.

Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley found that rats exposed to acute but short-lived stress doubled the production of new brain cells in their hippocampus (the memory center of the brain), compared to brain cell production under normal conditions. (3) This type of short-term stress may actually help to temporarily boost immunity by increasing levels of white blood cells like neutrophils and lymphocytes. (4)

Managing Bad Stress

The key to managing your stress is the ability to turn it on and off like a faucet. Left on too long, it can cause major damage to your mind and body. In our 21st-century world, stress doesn’t usually come in the form of occasionally fighting against life-threatening wild beasties as we hunt and gather our food. Instead, it manifests on a daily basis through routine stressors—a traffic-filled morning commute … a difficult boss … deadlines and demands … unresolved relationship issues … family obligations … and a cellphone chirping at you at all hours of the day.

Your body responds to this chronic stress by activating the hypothalamus, triggering your adrenal glands to release cortisol. When you’re constantly stressed, your cortisol levels are running high all the time. That’s why you—and your body—are headed for health trouble if you don’t get chronic stress under control.

A 2018 study published in the journal Circulation, for example, examined almost 222,000 people over the age of 45 and found that those with a high degree of stress had a significantly higher risk of heart attack or stroke. (5) Another study found that people who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other stress-related psychiatric issues were up to 46 percent more likely to develop an autoimmune disorder later in life. (6)

Other effects of chronic stress include:

Elevated blood sugar, increasing risk of diabetes

Weakened immune system

Leaky gut

Reduced ability to burn fat and increase in belly fat

Reduced (inadequate) levels of the adrenal hormone DHEA, testosterone, growth hormone, and thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH)

Non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD), which can lead to insulin resistance

Higher risk of depression, anxiety, and mood imbalances

Stress contributes to all modern, chronic disease.

No matter how picture perfect your lifestyle may appear to be—and no matter how healthy your diet is—if you’re not managing your stress effectively, you’re at risk for modern degenerative conditions like heart disease, diabetes, hypothyroidism, and autoimmune disorders.

Breathe Your Way to Stress Relief

While we can’t eliminate all stress from our lives, we can control our responses to it. Stressful experiences often trigger a cascade of fears and anxieties. As a result, we get so carried away by our thought processes that we’re unable to cope with the reality of the moment.

Enter mindful breathing. It’s exactly what it sounds like—being mindful of, or putting all your attention into, your breath.

This type of practice helps ground us in the present moment and focus on what is, right now, rather than what we fear might be. It’s a very helpful mindfulness technique, especially for beginners and for those who resist traditional meditation practices, because it gives you something specific to focus on—your breathing—when your mind starts to wander so you won’t get distracted by worries or other negative emotions.

Research shows that mindful breathing is one of the most effective tools in our toolbox to reduce stress and anxiety. In one study, practicing daily mindful breathing reduced feelings of test anxiety in college students, and eventually scientists stumbled upon the reason why: Deep breathing appears to deactivate a handful of brain nerve cells that trigger anxiety. (7, 8)

Try These Five Breathing Exercises for Stress Management

Ready to give it a try? Here are five breathing techniques to get you started.

1. Basic Beginner Breaths

If you’re just dipping your toes into mindful breathing, keep it as simple and straightforward as possible. The most basic way to do mindful breathing is to focus your attention on your breath, both the inhale and the exhale, ideally sitting or lying down (you may find it easier to hold onto your focus with your eyes closed).

Take exaggerated breaths: a deep three-second inhale through your nose, hold your breath for two seconds, and breathe out through your mouth for four seconds. When your mind wanders, bring your attention once again to your breath. Repeat. Try working your way up to about 15 minutes a day. (9)

2. Diaphragmatic Breathing

This type of breathing—also called “abdominal breathing” or “belly breathing”—slows your heartbeat and can also lower blood pressure. Diaphragmatic breathing reduces the body’s “fight-or-flight” response, researchers have found, and stimulates the activity of the vagal nerve, another important component of stress reduction. (10)

Here’s how to do it: (11)

Lie on your back on a flat surface with your knees bent (if needed, place a pillow under your knees for support)

Put one hand on your upper chest and one below your rib cage, so you can feel your diaphragm move as you breathe

Inhale slowly through your nose, feeling your stomach move out against your hand, then tighten your stomach muscles as you exhale through your mouth

Practice this type of breathing for five to 10 minutes, three to four times a day. As you get more comfortable with this method, you can even place a book on your stomach to make it a little more challenging (and effective).

3. Alternate Nostril Breathing

This technique—where you rotate inhaling through one nostril and exhaling through the other—is a yogic breath control practice. It’s thought to harmonize the two hemispheres of the brain, and, as a result, balances your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. A 2013 study found that people who practiced alternate nostril breathing lowered their perceived stress levels. (12)

Here’s how to do it: (13)

Sit straight up in a comfortable seat, your left palm comfortably in your lap

Lift your right hand to your face so that your pointer and middle fingers rest between your eyebrows

Close your eyes and inhale and exhale deeply through your nose

Close your right nostril with your right thumb while inhaling through your left nostril

Close your left nostril with your ring finger so both nostrils are held closed for a moment, then open your right nostril and exhale slowly through your right side

Inhale through your right nostril, then hold both nostrils closed with your ring finger and thumb

Open your left nostril and exhale slowly through your left side

Repeat five to 10 times once a day, or as desired

4. 4-7-8 Breathing

This technique, developed by integrative medicine guru Andrew Weil, MD, is based on the yogic technique pranayama. Weil himself refers to it as a natural tranquilizer for the nervous system.

How to do it: (14)

Sit with your back straight and place the tip of your tongue behind your upper front teeth. You’ll need to keep it there throughout this breathing exercise

Exhale through your mouth, making a whoosh sound

Close your mouth and inhale through your nose to the silent count of four

Hold your breath for a count of seven

Open your mouth and exhale through it, making a whoosh sound to a count of eight

Repeat this cycle three more times

Repeat this process at least twice a day

5. Body Scan

This breathing technique involves doing deep breathing while focusing your attention on different parts of your body, from head to toe, starting with your forehead and ending at the muscles in your feet. Combat veterans with PTSD who performed it for 20 minutes each day at home for six weeks reported improvements in symptoms, according to a 2016 Oregon Health & Science University study. (15) Another study of women aged 18 to 46 found that those who practiced body scan four days a week for three weeks reported feeling less stress and more happiness than a placebo group. (16) It can be done lying down or sitting—whatever’s most comfortable for you.

Here’s how to do a body scan: (17)

While sitting or lying down, close your eyes and pay attention to your body’s position—for example, the weight of your body against the chair or the floor

Take a deep breath, visualizing oxygen entering your body as you inhale and focusing on a sense of relaxation as you exhale

Focus on the sensations of your feet touching the floor or of your legs pressing against the chair

Now, work your way up to bring attention to other areas of your body. How does your back feel against the chair? Are your hands or stomach tense? (If so, try to relax them.) Loosen your shoulders and let your jaw relax

Take one more moment to notice your whole body, take a breath, and open your eyes

Initially, start with short periods of time of three to five minutes before working your way up to at least 20 minutes at least three times a week. The more you practice body scan, the more benefits you’ll enjoy.

Now, I’d like to hear from you. Have you ever tried any of these breathing exercises for stress? What were your results? Tell me below in the comments!

The post My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief appeared first on Chris Kresser.

My Top 5 Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief published first on https://chriskresser.com

[lindyhunt]

22 of the Best Website Homepage Design Examples

You never get a second chance to make a first impression -- that’s why your homepage is undoubtedly one of the most important web pages on your website.

For any given company, the homepage is its virtual front door. If a new visitor doesn't like what they see, their knee-jerk reaction is to hit the "back" button.

That's right -- unfortunately, a lot of people still judge a book by its cover.

What makes a website's homepage design brilliant instead of blah? Well, it takes more than looks alone -- it also has to work well. That's why the most brilliant homepages on this list don't just score high in beauty, but also in brains.

But before we dive into the examples, let's dissect some of the best practices of homepage design.

What Makes a Good Website?

A good website clearly answers "Who I am," "What I do," and/or "What can you (the visitor) do here." It also resonates with your audience, has a value proposition, calls visitors to action, is optimized for multiple devices, and is always changing to adapt to new design trends.

All of the homepage designs shown here utilize a combination of the following elements.

Not every page is perfect, but the best homepage designs get many of these right:

1. The design clearly answers "Who I am," "What I do," and/or "What can you (the visitor) do here."

If you're a well-known brand or company (i.e., Coca-Cola) you may be able to get away with not having to describe who you are and what you do; but the reality is, most businesses still need to answer these questions so that each visitor knows they are in the "right place."

Steven Krugg sums it up best in his best-selling book, Don't Make Me Think: If visitors can't identify what it is you do within seconds, they won't stick around long.

2. The design resonates with the target audience.

A homepage needs to be narrowly focused -- speaking to the right people in their language. The best homepages avoid "corporate gobbledygook," and eliminate the fluff.

3. The design communicates a compelling value proposition.

When a visitor arrives on your homepage, it needs to compel them to stick around. The homepage is the best place to nail your value proposition so that prospects choose to stay on your website and not navigate to your competitors'.

4. The design is optimized for multiple devices.

All the homepages listed here are highly usable, meaning they are easy to navigate and there aren't "flashy" objects that get in the way of browsing, such as flash banners, animations, pop-ups, or overly-complicated and unnecessary elements. Many are also mobile-optimized, which is an incredibly important must-have in today's mobile world.

5. The design includes calls-to-action (CTAs).

Every homepage listed here effectively uses primary and secondary calls-to-action to direct visitors to the next logical step. Examples include "Free Trial," "Schedule a Demo," "Buy Now," or "Learn More."

Remember, the goal of the homepage is to compel visitors to dig deeper into your website and move them further down the funnel. CTAs tell them what to do next so they don't get overwhelmed or lost. More importantly, CTAs turn your homepage into a sales or lead-generation engine, and not just brochure-wear.

6. The design is always changing.

The best homepages aren't always static. Some of them are constantly changing to reflect the needs, problems, and questions of their visitors. Some homepages also change from A/B testing or dynamic content.

7. The design is effective.

A well-designed page is important to building trust, communicating value, and navigating visitors to the next step. As such, these homepages effectively use layout, CTA placement, whitespace, colors, fonts, and other supporting elements.

Now, get ready to learn about excellent homepage design through the following 22 real-life examples.

Homepage Examples

FreshBooks

Airbnb

Mint

Dropbox (Business)

4 Rivers Smokehouse

Cobb Pediatric Therapy Services

Melyssa Griffin

Jill Konrath

Evernote

Telerik by Progress

eWedding

Basecamp

charity: water

TechValidate

Chipotle

Medium

Digiday

KIND Snacks

Ahrefs

A24 Films

Ellevest

HubSpot

1. FreshBooks

VIEW ENTIRE HOMEPAGE

Why It's Brilliant

It's easy to consume. There is much debate on whether short or long homepages work better. If you choose to do the latter, you need to make it easy to scroll and read -- and that's exactly what this site does. It almost acts like a story.

There's great use of contrast and positioning with the primary calls-to-action -- it's clear what the company wants you to convert on when you arrive.

The copy used in the calls-to-action "Get Started for Free" is very compelling.

FreshBooks uses customer testimonials on the homepage to tell real-world stories of why to use the product.

The sub-headline is also great: "Join over 10 million small business owners using FreshBooks." FreshBooks expertly employs social proof -- 10 million is a big number -- to compel its target audience to join their peers and try the tool.

2. Airbnb

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Why It's Brilliant

It includes the destination and date search form that most visitors come looking for, right up front, guiding visitors to the logical next step.

The search form is "smart," meaning it'll auto-fill the user's last search if they're logged in.

The primary call-to-action ("Search") contrasts with the background and stands out; but the secondary call-to-action for hosts is visible above the fold, too.

It offers suggestions for excursions and getaways Airbnb users can book on the same site as their lodgings to get visitors more excited about booking their trip on the site. It also shows which of these offerings are most popular among other users.

3. Mint

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Why It's Brilliant

It's a super simple design with a strong, no-jargon headline and sub-headline.

The homepage gives off a secure but easy-going vibe, which is important for a product that handles financial information.

It also contains simple, direct, and compelling call-to-action copy: "Sign up free." The CTA design is also brilliant -- the secured lock icon hits home the safety message once again.

4. Dropbox (Business)

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Why It's Brilliant

Dropbox carries over its simple design and branding. It includes only what is important: A large, relevant image with supporting copy, and a "Try free for 30 days" call-to-action button

Dropbox's homepage and website is the ultimate example of simplicity. It limits its use of copy and visuals and embraces whitespace.

Its sub-headline is simple, yet powerful: "The secure file sharing and storage solution that employees and IT admins trust." No need to decode jargon to figure out what Dropbox really does.

5. 4 Rivers Smokehouse

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Why It's Brilliant

Drool. That's what I think when I arrive at the website for 4 Rivers Smokehouse. Combined with great photography, the headline "Brisket. 18 years to master. Yours to savor." sounds like an experience worth trying.

The parallax scrolling guides you on a tour through the services, menu, and people having a great time -- a great use of this popular design trend.

The only negative? I don't live close enough to this place. Boo.

6. Cobb Pediatric Therapy Services

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Why It's Brilliant

The headline and sub-headline appeal to the visitors' emotional side: "Work With a Company That Gets It"; "Trust us. We've been there too! We'll find jobs where you can thrive." That value proposition is unique and compelling.

It's hard to tell from the screenshot above, but the headline is on a rotating carousel that caters to specific personas, from job applicants to people searching for a therapist for their schools.

There are several pathways visitors can take when they arrive on the page, but the calls-to-action are positioned well, worded simply, and contrast with the rest of the page.

7. Melyssa Griffin

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Why It's Brilliant

Melyssa immediately demonstrates social proof "Join over 200,000 others..."

She qualifies a visitor's reason for visiting her website with a quick survey, and each option links to a different content offer.

She adds a face to her brand. She isn't just a random website; she makes it clear she's a human whom people can connect to.

The page uses bright colors without being overwhelming and makes it easy to understand what Melyssa's central business offerings are.

8. Jill Konrath

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Why It's Brilliant

It's simple and gets straight to the point. From the headline and sub-headline, it's clear exactly what Jill Konrath does (and how she can help your business).

It also gives easy access to Jill's thought leadership materials, which is important to establishing her credibility as a keynote speaker.

It's easy to subscribe to the newsletter and get in touch -- two of her primary calls-to-action.

The pop-up subscription CTA uses social proof to get you to join her thousands of other fans.

It includes news outlet logos and testimonials as social proof.

9. Evernote

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Why It's Brilliant

Over the years, Evernote has turned from a simple note-saving app into a suite of business products. This isn't always easy to convey on a homepage, but Evernote does a nice job packaging many potential messages into a few key benefits.

This homepage uses a combination of rich, muted colors in the video and its signature bright green and white highlights to make conversion paths stand out.

Following a simple headline ("Remember Everything"), the eye path then leads you to its call-to-action, "Sign Up For Free."

Evernote also offers a one-click signup process through Google to help visitors save even more time.

10. Telerik by Progress

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Why It's Brilliant

"Stuffy enterprise" isn't the feeling you get when you arrive at Telerik's website. For a company that offers many technology products, its bold colors, fun designs, and videography give off a Google-like vibe. Just one important aspect to making visitors feel welcome and letting them know they're dealing with real people.

I love the simple, high-level overview of its six product offers. It's very clear way of communicating what the company does and how people can learn more.

The copy is lightweight and easy to read. It speaks the language of its customers.

11. eWedding

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Why It's Brilliant

For those love birds planning their big day, eWedding is a great destination to building a custom wedding website. The homepage isn't cluttered and only includes the necessary elements to get people to starting building their websites.

The sub-headline "Over 800,000 wedding websites built!" is great social proof.

It's included excellent product visuals, a great headline, and a call-to-action that reduces friction with the copy, "Start website."

12. Basecamp

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Why It's Brilliant

For a long time, Basecamp has had brilliant homepages, and here you can see why. It often features awesome headlines and clever cartoons.

The call-to-action is bold and above the fold.

In this example, the company chose a more blog-like homepage (or single page site approach), which provides much more information on the product.

The customer quote is a bold and emphatic testimonial speaking to the benefits and results of using the product.

13. charity: water

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Why It's Brilliant

This isn't your typical non-profit website. Lots of visuals, creative copy, and use of interactive web design make this stand out.

The animated header image is a great way to capture attention.

It employs great uses of video and photography, particularly in capturing emotion that causes action.

14. TechValidate

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Why It's Brilliant

This homepage is beautifully designed. I particularly love the use of whitespace, contrasting colors, and customer-centric design.

The headline is clear and compelling, as are the calls-to-action.

There's also a great information hierarchy, making it easy to scan and understand the page quickly.

15. Chipotle

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Why It's Brilliant

The homepage is a great example of agility and constant change. Chipotle's current homepage is all about the forthcoming holiday, which it uses as a unique value proposition to get you to start clicking through your site. When I think Chipotle, I don't necessarily think about catering, but the site is a great reminder to consider different uses for the burritos you already know and love.

The food photography is detailed and beautiful, and it actually makes me hungry looking at it. Now that's an effective use of visuals.

16. Medium

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Why It's Brilliant

This is perhaps one of the best uses of whitespace I've seen. It allows Medium's app tagline and photo to take center stage while still drawing your eye to the darker section titles on the site.

Medium makes it easy to sign up -- on the site, or with a simple text message to your mobile phone. I'm much more responsive to a text than an email, so this is a great strategy to keep people engaged in the signup process.

The homepage uses social proof to get visitors to start clicking around: The "Popular on Medium" and "Staff Picks" sections let me know where to find high-quality content.

17. Digiday

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Why It's Brilliant

Unlike other online news publications that inundate homepages with as many headlines and images as possible, Digiday's first section showcases just one article. Its featured image (in this case, a scary one) is eye-catching, and the headline is just asking to be clicked now that the visitor has an idea of what they're going to read.

The top of the homepage, where websites normally showcase a ton of different sections and options to click through, only has one icon to click -- which leads you to a subscription page.

18. KIND Snacks

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Why It's Brilliant

The bold colors produce contrast, making the words and images stand out on the page.

The CTA -- "Shop KIND" -- is clever. It urges the visitor to click to learn more while making a play on the word "kind" -- implying that it's a good choice to shop there.

KIND Snacks' tagline is straight up brilliant -- when I read it, the message immediately resonated and made me want to read the snack bar's label.

19. Ahrefs

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Why It's Brilliant

The color contrast between the blue, white, and orange colors is eye-catching and makes the headline and CTA pop.

The sub-headline and CTA are a compelling pair: To be able to start tracking and outranking competitors for free is a great offer.

The homepage presents a multitude of options for the visitor, but it isn't cluttered thanks to the solid background and simple typography.

20. A24 Films

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Why It's Brilliant

The film company's homepage is made up of only trailers for its new films. We know video content is format audiences want to see more of, and this is a great strategy to showcase A24's work in a highly engaging way.

At the top of the homepage, A24 immediately offers a myriad of ways to get in touch via social media and email -- something I appreciate as a visitor when so many other sites bury contact information at the bottom of the page.

21. Ellevest

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Why It's Brilliant

"Invest Like a Woman: Because money is power." These headlines are powerful and make me want to learn more about the product -- both as a woman, and as someone interested in making smart financial choices.

The images show, rather than tell, one of the company's value propositions: a desktop site and mobile app that move with you.

"Get Started" is a great CTA -- in fact, we use it ourselves here at HubSpot. When clicked, it takes visitors through a few simple steps to set up a profile and start investing.

22. HubSpot

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Why It's Brilliant (If We Do Say So Ourselves)

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8-EXERCISE FOR EYES TO GET RID OF GLASSES

Every year, more and more people have to wear glasses because they have lost flexibility of their distance vision (nearsightedness) or their close-up vision (farsightedness and aging vision). And once you start wearing glasses or contact lenses, guess what happens? You continue your poor vision habits and the lenses increase strain on the eyes, allowing them to slack off and become even lazier over time. Eye exercises are designed to strengthen your eye muscles, improve focusing, eye movements, and stimulate the vision center of your brain. Eye exercises help you to start getting into better vision habits, reduce the strain on your eyes and enjoy perfect vision for years to come. Once you do, you will be open to experiencing dramatic vision improvement.

Causes Of Vision Problems

There 2 causes behind blurry vision 1) aging –weakness in ocular muscles due to age, diabetes etc. and 2) modern living – such as watching TV, working on computers, air conditioning, fluorescent lighting, and lack of exercise. All of these factors put extra strain on your eyesight causing blurry vision.

How To Improve Vision

There’s no denying some people do need to wear glasses due to congenital disorders and serious eye conditions, but most people who wear glasses can improve their vision naturally. Once you start wearing glasses or contact lenses, you continue with your poor vision habits and the lenses increase strain on the eyes. As a result, every year your vision got worse. There are natural options to prevent this.

Do you know that our eye muscles are the hardest working muscle group in the body? It's second to the heart. We use our eyes all the time regardless of whether we're at work, at the gym or relaxing at home. Now the thing is, our eyes are likely to get tired and less efficient over time, and that's exactly why you need to look for ways to improve your eyesight. Your eyes can be more efficient with simple exercises —you'll get to reduce the strain on your eyes, improve focusing and enjoy perfect vision for years to come by stimulate the vision center in brain.

The following eye exercises should help you understand how you can strengthen your ocular muscles to  improve your eyesight and start getting into better vision habits. Once you do, you will be open to experiencing dramatic vision improvement.

Exercise For Eyes To Get Rid Of Glasses 

1.     Directional Eye Exercises to Improve Vision

This is a simple warm-up exercise which stretches your extra ocular muscles. Most people develops the habit of just staring 1-2 feet in front of your face doing at their computer all day long. Flexing the eye muscles will gets you out of the habit of just staring 1-2 feet in front of your face.

·        Face straight ahead, then look up as far as you can without moving your head.

·        Then look down. Up, down, up, down.

·        Repeat the same in left, right.

·        Then look at your top right – go as far to the edge of your vision as you can. Then bottom left, and alternate the two again.

·        Finally look top left and alternate with bottom right a few times.

·        Roll your eyes by looking up and then slowly circle 10 times clockwise and 10 times counterclockwise.

Feel the stretch?

2.     Massage your Eyes for Improved Vision

When you massage the eyes, it will improve blood circulation in and around the eyes. Massaging your eyes relax them while reducing strain and tension for better blood flow

     ·        Massage your both the eyelids and temples. Using your thumb knuckles, massage your temples in small circles, 20 times in one direction and 20 in the other.

·        Repeat the same actions above the mid-point of the eyebrows at the forehead, then below the eyes on both sides of the bridge of the nose.  ·        Applying mild pressure on the tear duct will increase moistness and eventually provide relief to tired eyes.

3.     Blinking For Better Vision

Most of us spend a significant amount of time looking at smart-phones, computers, and televisions — these activities prevent you from blinking enough, and that's bad. The act of blinking relaxes and rehydrate the eyes. Dehydrated eyes can lead to blurry vision, headaches and eye strain. That’s because the average blink rate drops from 16-20 blinks per minute to 6-8 bpm while absorbed in the screen.

The simple way to combat this is to blink more, and become conscious of the fact when you’ve stopped blinking, especially when working at the computer. You can choose to slow blink or quick blink — both of them are sure to work wonders on your eyes.

Blinking your eye not only lubricates the eye but also refreshes your brain ready to receive new visual data.

4.      Focusing - Eye Exercise

It's also possible to strengthen your eye muscles by performing a simple focus-driven exercise. Focusing on objects which are near and far away from you can help train your eyes for better eyesight. Take your glasses off before performing this exercise.

·        Start by sitting in a comfortable position.

·        Now hold your thumb and let it be 10 inches away from your eyes.

·        Use your eyes to focus on every detail of your thumb for a few seconds.

·        Now look away at any object that is 10 to 20 feet away from you.

·        Focus on the object for a few seconds then return to your thumb.

·        Just repeat the cycle of focusing on your thumb and the far away object.

5.     Zooming Eye Exercise

This is similar to focusing but is designed for people who suffer farsightedness or aging vision.

·        Hold your thumb out at arm’s length and focus on it.

·        Now draw it in until it’s three inches in front of your eyes, maintaining focus all the while.

·        Then move your thumb out again. Do this for a few minutes and you will strengthen your focusing skills (also known as accommodation).

This is really important if you have been relying on glasses to do all the artificial focusing for you.

6.     Figure 8 Tracing for Clear Vision

This is a great exercise to practice controlling the physical movement of your eyes and help them regain their lost flexibility.       ·        Imagine a giant figure 8 on the floor, about 10 feet in front of you.

·        Trace the figure 8 with your eyes, slowly.

·     Trace it one way for a few minutes and then trace it the other way for a few minutes.

·        Use both the standing and the lying figure 8.

7.     Rolling Your Eyes in a Circle for Improved Vision    

This is yet another exercise that has to do with your imagination.

·        Sit up straight and relax.

·        While seating and closing your eyes, picture a clock in front of you.

·        Now visualize the numbers 12 and 6 while still closing your eyes.

·        Move your eyes down from 12 to 6 in a clockwise rotation be sure to do this 15 to 20 times.

You can visualize new numbers like 3 and 9 repeat the process in a clockwise and counter-clockwise motion.

8.     End your Vision Exercises with Palming

Palming is an eye relaxation exercise when your eyes are feeling worn and tired from being at the computer (or any other near-point).

  ·        Rub your palms together to create heat and cup your hands over your eyes.

   ·        Create a gentle pressure around your orbital bone – or the bone around the eye socket.

   ·        With your eyes closed, stare into the blackness as if you are staring into space. See how far you can focus into the distance. Allow all the residual colors to fade to black.

   ·        Breathe deeply and stay relaxed for 1-2 minutes.

This helps “reset” your vision, allowing your eyes to relax fully and lubricate again. Do this for as long as you like, usually at least 30 seconds is needed. Your eyes will feel rejuvenated when you take your hands away!

                                                                                                       Take A Mini-Nap To Improve Vision.

v  Getting enough sleep is essential for eye health. Sleep allows your eyes to fully rest, repair, and recover. Insufficient sleep may weaken your vision, so shoot for 8 hours of sound sleep a night.

v  Give your eyes a break once an hour during your workday. Rest your eyes 10 minutes for every 50 minutes spent reading or in front of the computer.

Perform these exercises first in the morning, before bedtime, or any time your eyes feel fatigued. Make sure that your hands are clean and that your mood is relaxed. Commit to daily practice and you may just see better results within one month. 

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