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davepetacreates · 1 year

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Episode 1 (WTCV) - Laika

--start of broadcast--

CECIL: A soul is not always in the places it needs to be in. And sunglasses won’t protect you from the flaming tendrils of the green sun.

Welcome to Nightvale.

[musical interlude]

CECIL: Well, good morning, listeners! To start off today’s broadcast, I think that we should discuss the newcomers in town. I sent interns Sapphrel and Ruben to go interrog– wait, no, that says interview – the incredibly large group that has taken over the Yellow Crown apartment complex. Yeah. Taken over. It’s a seriously large group.

Interns Sapphrel and Ruben returned with the news that, in fact, there is no pumpkin, and there never even was one, and what pumpkin, and why are they talking about pumpkins anyway?

I clarified that I had meant for them to interview the people who moved in, not the former residents. They exchanged looks with each other, said, “Ohhhhhhh,” with eight letters, and went back to the apartment complex.

Yeah. Interns, am I right? *laughs*

In other news, Khoshekh has finally left the mens’ bathroom here at the radio station! I saw him just earlier chasing a dog around near the dog park.

A perfunctory reminder to all Night Vale citizens that dogs are not allowed in the dog park. Humans are not allowed in the dog park. You may see hooded figures in the dog park. Do not look at, think about, or interact with the hooded figures in the dog park.

Josie, out near the old car lot, has said that some new figures have joined the ranks of the Erikas. These new figures, who are definitely not and never will be angels, as angels do not exist, say that they came from the mountains, which also do not exist. Unless you believe that they do. Then they exist. Anyways, these new additions call themselves Nanna, Corbin, Crow, Prince, Carnelian, and Carols. They are, respectively, blue with a tail, flashing orange and green with legs, orange with a tail, green with horns and a tail, flashing pink and purple with legs, and light blue with horns, cat ears, and a tail. One of them appears to have teleportation powers.

On – oh, hey! The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home has just handed me my phone. On it is a – a video… of the inside of the newcomers’... apartment buildings… Ugh. How is that much soda even healthy for a guy? Oh my god, is that Good Luck Chuck? Oh, well, at least he has Scott Pilgrim. That somewhat makes up for it. Wait – what the fuck? Did that girl just disappear into thin air? Did she steal from the Ralphs? Oh, no – she’s explaining how she left money. Alright, then, that’s fine. Ewww – I don’t want to see this part, skip skip skip skip skip – Oh, there’s Khoshekh! I was wondering where he had gotten off to! Aww, and it looks like the girl with dog ears is petting him! Who knew?

Well, anyway, it does not appear as though these newcomers are threats to our town! What a relief, Night Vale! What a relief.

Dear Listeners, I have sad news. I just received word from interns Sapphrel and Ruben that interns Col, Void, Cactus, and Lynx are dead. Their bodies have not been found, as they are, apparently, inside the black hole outside the Moonlite All-Nite Diner. Intern Sapphrel tracked Void’s phone, and found it there. Our hearts go out to the families of interns Col, Void, Cactus, and Lynx. We're very sorry for your loss, and wish you the best in life. They died in the line of service, and were good workers who only wanted the best.

And now, the weather.

41. Moonsetter - Homestuck Vol. 9

Oh! It seems the ghost of intern Void has appeared in the studio, listeners! Let's hear what Void has to say.

INTERN VOID:

CECIL: Oh! Well, thank you, Void!

Look, I know that the City Council has a policy that dead people can't intern here, and, listeners, I follow every rule that they set up, but you're a qualified candidate, right?

So, since you can't legally intern, you could come work here as our diplomat to the world of the dead! What do you say?

There is silence. She does not appear to be saying anything yet, but instead, mulling it over.

I do rather hope she accepts the offer, listeners. It would be a nice gesture to the ghosts, and, anyways, she could bridge people with their families!

If you have a loved one who died, imagine how lovely it would be to hear how they're doing!

Oh! She's speaking!

INTERN VOID: You can't offer me a job and immediately get mad that I'm not saying anything!! Also, I don't know that many ghosts…

CECIL: She looks… sad, for some reason? Or maybe just put-out.

Also, what do you mean, get mad? I was just describing to our listeners what was happening in the studio. I wasn’t mad at you. It makes sense that you wouldn’t know many ghosts, seeing as how you only recently died.

INTERN VOID: There's not many ghosts in space.

CECIL: Wait, you’re in space?

INTERN VOID: Yeah. There’s a doggo here. It’s a very good doggo. *mild shuffling ensues* who’s a good girl~

CECIL: Huh. So space is real, unlike what Hiram says. Remember that campaign? Honestly. What a load of dragonshit! He based his entire campaign around defunding the space center, saying it was dumb.

What is the dog's name?

INTERN VOID: I’m not sure, as I didn’t pay too much attention in Martian class. But she has a space suit?!

CECIL: Okay...?

Wait! I think I know this dog! Is her name Laika?

INTERN VOID: I think so! She reacts to it, at least!

She is a very good dog.

CECIL: Oh! One sec, I'm going to need to call Carlos! He'll be very interested in this!

*phone ringing*

Hey, Carlos! One of my interns at the station died.

CARLOS: Oh. Oh, honey, I'm sorry-

CECIL: No, it's a good thing! She found Laika!

CARLOS: Wait, what?

Repeat that, please?

She found Laika?

She's in space???

I thought you said she died!

CECIL: I did! She's a ghost!

And she found Laika!

CARLOS: Oh. OH! Oh my god! Hold on, I'll be over in a few.

I love you, bye!

CECIL: Aw, I love you too!

*hangs up phone*

Isn't he just a sweetheart? Honestly.

INTERN VOID: He is very sweet. But, the job thing…?

CECIL: Okay, I'm reconsidering. Maybe you could work with Carlos? He's been studying the position of Night Vale in the galaxy in comparison with the rest of the Earth. He's become very interested in space recently, and you, being a ghost and therefore able to actually go to space, could help with that!

If you want a job, that is.

I just realized how presumptive I'm being! You're in space! You might not even be able to work here on Earth! I am so sorry for how insensitive I've been, please forgive me, Void.

Honestly, my big mouth never stops running.

But the offer still stands if you do want it.

INTERN VOID: Oh, heck yee, I wanna be a space diplomat!

CECIL: Alright. When Carlos comes over, I’ll let him know and he can get you set up! Does that sound good?

INTERN VOID: YEET

CECIL: Perfect.

Thank you, listeners, for sticking with us through that... brief interruption to normal matters. Now, for the Community Calendar.

Monday is Opposites Day, and is no longer going to be Monday, but Yaednehm. Yadmehn? Yadmon? I think that's right. Huh. The ground will be up, and all the blood will be rushing to our heads as we frantically contemplate what direction is what.

Tuesday will be a day in which you dream of a giant plush squid with narrowed eyes, embroidered onto a young girl's dress as she casts a spell over a well-loved bloodstone circle, trying to figure out how to save her friends and family from destruction.

Wednesday is canceled.

Thursday is the big homecoming baseball game against Desert Bluffs! Desert Bluffs. Honestly, they're as likable as Steve Carlsberg! And that is not saying much of anything at all, listeners. Not much at all. Go get 'em, Scorpions.

Friday is origami day at the community center! Bring your kids for a day of fun! There will be activities held. Some of the activities will be closed off. Some will be imaginary. Some will be deadly. It's all part of the fun! And John Peters - you know, the farmer? - will be selling his imaginary corn snow cones there as well! I love those things. They're so nostalgic, you know?

Saturday is the Concert of the Erikas. Come by Old Woman Josie's house out near the car lot to hear the definitely NOT angelic choir.

Sunday is also canceled.

I, for one, am excited for this week! We're going to have so much free time, what with two days canceled! What fun! Me and Carlos are going to take Estaban to go investigate some science-y things! He is such a cutie in a lab coat! Both of them are!

Next, dear listeners, we go to Traffic.

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today is NOT this young man's birthday. The smell of cake permeates the air. This family is constantly on the run from the Secret Police for violating the ban on wheat and its byproducts. The dulcet tones of the radio host's voice lull the boy into a sense of complacency. Learned complacency, one could say. He's learned to take these kinds of peaceful moments when he can, as the times when he cannot are many.

A notification sounds from his computer. His friend with the purple text tells him that something is apparently going to happen on Tuesday that she's going to have to prevent. He tells TT to fuck off, and returns to gazing at the clouds. The red-flag-doohickey-thingy on the mailbox is down. It has been down. It will likely always be down, unless it's up.

Further down the street, a teenager in a black sweatshirt stands wearily. They shield their eyes from the sun, staggering as they walk towards the young man's home. A mail truck pulls up to the home. They startle. The mail truck leaves the home. They run. As the young man perks up, they open the mailbox, steal the mail inside, and run away. The young man opens his front door and gives chase.

The timeline has been locked, listeners, and I can view it no longer.

This has been traffic.

Listeners, we all have those moments when something is just so inevitable, so unchangeable, that we don't notice it? Well, today, I noticed it. I don't know what I noticed, but it was something, and I noticed the heck out of it. It was a young man in a red shirt, scars lacing down his neck, and I noticed. You are not alone. No one is alone. Loneliness is a concept. It is a state of emotion. One can be lonely, but one is never alone. Everyone is noticed. And when you are noticed, you are noticed. So please, take care, dear Listeners, and make sure to buy your privacy every month from the Secret Police. Remember, twenty a month keeps them out of your stuff.

A quick word from our sponsors:

Everyone turns into a spider eventually. Everyone goes through that awkward phase where they want to turn into a spider. And everyone goes through that phase where their spiders want to turn into them. But, for every stage of life, there's a certain black hole that wants to eat the spider inside your heart. If it's outside your heart as well, that's just a bonus. You will still be eaten. You just won't come back from it.

Walmart. Save money. Live better.

Our show is drawing to a close, dear listeners, but before we go, I have a daily prophecy to give! Let's see...

* slight plastic crinkling noises *

* sound of a bag opening *

* eating sounds ensue *

* a slip of paper scraping against something stale or burnt *

Yjod pmr od gpt yszols gaumm. S nppl od mpyjomh eoyjpiy oyd qshrd. Trsvj omyp yjr dlu smf htsn pmr. Upi eoaa nr rcytrzrau fodsqqpomyrf eoyj ejsy upi gomf. Oy eoaa arsf upi yp trnra. Upi eoaa nr gohjyomh gpt upit aogr, s lmohjy om omlu stzpt. Fpm'y dsu er fofm'y estm upi.

* long silence *

W... What just happened? What was the prophecy? My God, dear Listeners, I don't think I know what I said! And I always know what I said. Do you think I was possessed? Hmm...

Anyway, as creepy as that was, everything must end, and this show is no different. I wish you all an amazing week. Stay tuned for the sounds of me curling up into a fetal position and having an existential crisis over what my brain does when it's on autopilot. It's terrifying to think it, but... It could hurt them. I could hurt them.

Fuck.

Well, on that note, I leave you. Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

--end of broadcast (dated 2/6/23)--

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