#Slightly related do English people say blow job?

[exeggcute]

Would you mind elaborating on your job search experience? I found your sankey chart really interesting and informative!!

Did you get something related to your degree?

In my experience most job applications I hear back from turn out to be spam or BS. Which is SUPER exhausting and SUPER disheartening. What are some warning signs you have learned to look out for that something is sketchy or exploitative or scammy?? Thanks for anything you’re willing to share 🥺

yeah for sure! I'm glad you liked the chart, tracking my job applications in a spreadsheet finally paid off lol.

I may be a bit of an outlier in the typical millennial experience of Job Search Hell (at least this time around) because I finally managed to get a foothold in my field and have pretty concrete experience for a specific job title that (1) has consistent hiring demand, albeit with a fair amount of competition among candidates and (2) was already remote-friendly prior to the pandemic so it's somewhat easier to scour job listings when you aren't restricted to your immediate geographic location. (granted, the wider selection of remote roles to choose from is somewhat offset by the fact that everyone else in the applicant pool is also unrestricted by location, so you have more choices but also more competition. the ratio likely evens out overall). I exclusively applied to (or considered) remote roles, but there's a handful of on-site jobs in my area (at least in the Before Times)—though those only crop up sporadically and are also hypercompetitive.

for context, my 2018-2019 job search (immediately after graduating college) spanned nine miserable months, although not continuously; I had three separate false starts where I quit a shitty internship, quit a shitty online job, and got fired from an in-person job, but over the course of those nine months I probably sent in like four hundred applications total and had about a dozen interviews, most of which were fucking bananas. nearly all of these job applications were for in-person roles, and I was applying for stuff pretty much at random—unlike this last time around, when every single job I applied to (or was approached to consider) either had the same title as my last role or was functionally identical in terms of job duties but had a slightly different name. all of this is *related* to my degree, broadly speaking, but in practice almost nothing I studied in college applies directly to my job. it's a weird situation because you can technically major in this exact field (or enroll in certification programs for it) but very few people do. having SOME kind of degree is pretty much a requirement (undergrad at a minimum, grad school is nice but not necessary unless you're really specialized), but having a BA in english or communication is about as common as having a BS in comp sci or engineering. (literature major here.) the preference for a BA or BS varies between company and specific sub-industry (more specialized roles generally prefer people who have a degree in that particular area), but once you have a few years of experience under your belt people stop caring for the most part.

getting my foot in the door with experience was 100% the most difficult part of this—and honestly, was the main differentiating factor between this job search and the last. I did have some pre-graduation job experience that I was able to leverage at the end of my nine-month search that landed me my last job, but I didn't figure that out until way too late in the game. it's not a one-to-one analogue with what I do now, but it was close enough that I figured out ways to classify it as relevant experience and boost my "years doing X role" number from 0 to Not Zero. (the "you need experience to get experience" paradox is only solved by a bit of creative reframing, lol.) once I had that purported experience under my belt, I was able to get a job that gave me actual tangible experience, which blows the whole thing wide open on future job search cycles.

which is all to say: there's nothing wrong with twisting things a bit for your benefit, so long as it's not something that'll bite you in the ass later. reframing particular skills or experience to suit a potential role is a workable strategy as long as you know you're actually capable of doing the things that role requires. don't lie about knowing how to build rockets if you’re applying to a job at NASA.

the spam shit is way too common with job applications these days, whether it's outright fake listings or vaguely scummy shit masquerading as a cool place to work. specific red flags vary, but some things I look out for:

job listings that don't clearly name the company you'll be working for. exceptions obviously apply, like if you apply through a specialized job board or staffing site that anonymizes its clients, but if a listing just says it's an "exciting opportunity" or "fun workplace," it's probably not. if there is a name, google it.

check out glassdoor ratings from past employees. if a place has a really shitty rating or reviews that consistently mention egregious shit in the workplace, you're better off saving the effort. certain places will also have ratings from applicants and interviewees, which might give you more insight into whether it's worth looking into.

anything that requires you to pay the employer for the privilege of working there.

for writing gigs specifically: any freelance gig that requires you to submit fully-completed work but doesn't guarantee that they'll pay you for each submission, only the ones they approve, and you won't know if it's approved until after you already wrote it. content mills suck across the board but these are the worst of the worst.

general corporate bullshit speak like "work hard, play hard," "fast-paced environments" where you "learn on the job," any indication that you'll "always be in a working mindset" or that "you're never truly off the job," or job listings that make it sound like you'll be doing completely random things on any given day with no consistent job duties.

any place that lists "free coffee" under a list of employee benefits. it doesn't sound like a big deal, but I swear it's a huge red flag... if cheap instant coffee is their best shot at convincing you it's a good place to work, it's gonna be a nightmare.

[ceeyuin666]

Disney Villains Recruiting: An Introduction

Better late than never, I hope? There’s a few out there already, and I’m way too late considering the shows are over, but here’s my take on a introduction to the world of Tokyo Disney’s Villains Recruiting program.

 This introduction includes a run down of the show and its amazing characters that took social media by storm. 

 If you’ve the courage to seek true beauty of elegance than proceed… into the Villains World.

All photos in this post were taken by myself, please do not repost on other blogs, websites or social media networks such as Twitter or Instagram!

The Concept 

During the years 2015-2018, Tokyo Disneysea’s Halloween celebrated the wonderful world of Disney’s famous Villains. While the main Villains like Maleficent and Ursula dominated parades such as The Villains World and the night fireworks of Fantasmic!, their team of underlings were sent to work in the smaller parts of the park.

So every Halloween, the area of American Waterfront rolled out a red carpet and welcomed ten unique characters, each based off a famous Disney Villain, who’s sole purpose was to recruit humans into the Villains World. The program was known as Disney Villains Recruiting.

The Show

The original show, with a game known as the Six Poses Dance itself was a 15-20 minute skit that took place every hour or so at American Waterfront. Six of the ten ‘Recruiters’ would come out, along with two hosts, meaning in order to catch all ten characters, you would have to make multiple visits to the park.

Each Recruiter quickly introduced themselves and showed off a unique pose that represented them. Then the show becomes a game of Simon Says where the hosts will call out a Recruiters name and guests must respond with the correct pose. The game usually became chaotic when the hosts starting yelling out random things and guests could watch the Recruiters scramble to match whatever was being asked for them. 

Finally, a guest would be picked out of the audience to participate in the game alongside the Recruiters. At the end of the game, the guest would be asked if they have now been convinced to come join the Villains World. If they say no, there would be a loud cry of disappointment and the disgruntled Recruiters would drag the guest back to their seat. If yes, after the yelps of joy, the guest would be asked to return to the Tower of Terror in 666 years where the Recruiters would be eagerly waiting for them.

In 2016-2017, a second show, called Villains One Point Course was introduced to rotate with the now Special Pose Dance show. Each show only consisted of two Recruiters, six would appear throughout the day. Similar to before, the two present Recruiters would introduce themselves and their pose before going into a game similar to Rock Paper Scissors, except you had to match the pose the Recruiter was doing- which was almost always their own pose so it wasn’t hard to get it right. Two guests would then be selected and have their outfits judged by two new hosts who would then offer one point that would make them Villain Worthy. 

In 2018, the show returned to its original format of the Six Pose Dance and the One Point Course, along with its hosts, did not return.

The Hosts 

Mr. V

Known as the grandmaster of the program, Mr. V is the lead host of the original Six Pose Dance show. He appears to be in charge of the Recruiters and they all speak to him with respect, sometimes calling him Mister or V-san for short.

He is a rather relaxed character much like a father watching all his chaotic children make a mess he doesn’t have to clean up. More often than not he keeps to himself in the background while the others perform, only ever speaking up to scold them or laugh at them when they make a mistake. 

Mr. V is however rather possessive of his assistant, Ms Scatter, who, despite her years of hard work, he refuses to acknowledge her as a real Villain. 

Despite the similarities in their designs, this character has no relation with Dr. Facilier from the Princess and the Frog. 

Ms. Scatter 

Scatter is the human representative of the show and represents in the audience in that she is constantly fawning over how beautiful and enticing the Villains World looks from the outside and her own goal is to one day join them. In the early years she runs around interrupting the Recruiters, calling out to guests to not be deceived by their wickedness despite how gorgeous and tempting it may be. 

She is the one character that goes through considerable character growth over the course of the four years and her costume also changes slightly each year. In the beginning, she is reckless and clumsy, the Recruiters picked on her, bullied her and Mr. V very much controlled her. By the end she laughed with them as though they were equal and spoke back to Mr. V whenever she disagreed with him.

In the 2018 show, the Villains offered recruited guests a flag with the mark of a true Villain which they would be granted when they return in 666 years. At the end of the show, as the Recruiters left, Scatter would stay behind and reveal to the audience the mark of a true Villain which was on the inside of her jacket. When Mr. V comes to chase her about what’s taking her so long, she hides the mark and turns to the audience, signalling them to keep her secret. This suggests that even without Mr. V and the others knowing, she has graduated into a real Villain. 

Ms. Villa

Host of the One Point Course, Ms Villa is the self proclaimed fashion diva of the Villains World. She is stylish and mature, strutting around offering advice to guests on how to better their outfits.

She is very much in her own world as she parades around the show, completely ignoring the panicked cries of her assistant whenever she rambles off about an idea that is clearly unrealistic. To the Recruiters however she is rather motherly, giving them pet names and teasing them like children. 

While she holds a very welcoming aura, she always catches the audience by surprise at the end of the show where she demands payment for her services. 

Mr. Polite

Known as MP or Polite for short, he is Ms Villa’s assistant during the One Point Course show. He is more put together than Scatter but also spends a lot of the show yelling after Ms Villa. 

When left to his own accord, MP is sneaky and playful, even over confident in himself but his job is mostly to keep Ms Villa from going over the top with the guests so that is his main focus. He seems more well informed of the human world, unlike the other Villains and has to reign them in when they’re being unreasonable such as asking him to buy them snacks from the park.

He gets along well with the rest of the Recruiters who all treat him as their own personal assistant, something he does not seem to mind. He gets along particularly well with Daru who he usually promises to take on a walk after the show. 

The Recruiters 

Apple Poison

Themed off the poison apple used to put Snow White into an eternal sleep, Apple works for the Evil Queen from the film Snow White.

Tall, dark and handsome, Apple has the most mature look of the men’s Recruiters, and coming from the oldest Disney animated him, he is teased by his workmates and guests alike for being the family ‘uncle’ or ‘old man’. There are many times where he also has trouble keeping up with the right poses or falls from pranks by the others, showing he’s also quite naive. 

Apple is the most charming of the men’s Recruiters, his quotes usually laced with cheesy offers of escorting guests or sweeping them away. He normally keeps to himself while the others are running around, though his ongoing rivalry with Jack brings out a more immature side to him. 

He is also the best English speaker of the cast as his main quotes are also half in English and he often lectures guests in English as well. He is constantly blowing kisses to guests or his prop posing apple, drawing out squeals of excitement from guests. 

Quotes 🍎Ladies and Gentlemen, one bite of this sweet apple with make you the most beautiful in the world.  🍎Like how the poison intoxicates this apple, allow me to intoxicate you all.

Jack Heart 

Hailing from Wonderland, Jack works for the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland. He makes jokes of turning back into a playing card so it can be assumed he is the personification of the jack of hearts card. 

Jack is known as the entertainer of the Villains World and he is indeed very entertaining to watch. While the others strut along the red carpet, Jack is always seen skipping around, cutting corners and getting right into the faces of guests. Even when standing in one spot he is usually stretching strangely or contorting for the enjoyment of the guests.

As a super playful character, Jack gets along best with Dalmetia who he calls his best friend. The two get along very well and walk around linking arms and high-fiving each other all the time. On the flip side, Jack seems to down right hate Apple who he will taunt and make faces at. While it’s not clearly stated why their relationship is so bad, it seems to purely because Jack hates Apple for being so much taller than him. 

He is also one of the only Recruiters that does not react happily at the mention of their Master; instead, when the Queen of Hearts is brought up, Jack usually hides in fear, clutches his neck in case he’ll be beheaded or runs away.

Quotes ❤️My world it the world of entertainment! And that’ll make your heart go- Aow!  ❤️Like how Alice found Wonderland, so long as you all hold darkness in your hearts, I’ll appear before you again just like the Cheshire Cat. 

Mr. Dalmetia 

A puppy given a human body by his Master Cruella De Vil from the film 101 Dalmatians. 

Mr. Dalmetia, Daru for short, is an excitable and selfish character who is usually chasing after his best friend Jack or running away from Scar. He teases everyone, friends and guests alike in a crude manner, sticking his tongue out at people or pushing over their toys. Some of the others tease him with games of fetch and he will go sprinting across the performance area, then return extremely grumpy when he realises he’s been duped.

While Daru and Jack are best friends, Daru generally gets along well enough with the rest of the men’s Recruiters. Scar, from the ladies team, is obviously madly in love with him- a feeling he does not reciprocate. For four years, he runs from her, turns her down her advances and down right rejects her any chance he gets. However, at the end of 2018, while hesitant, he agrees to wait alongside her until the guests come see them again in 666 years. 

He is the very embodiment of a puppy and even Mr. V comments during his introduction that he’s yet to shake all his canine habits; he is sometimes caught sitting like a dog, scratching his neck as though there’s a collar there and bugging the others after the show to take him for a walk. 

Quotes 🐶This is my WAN-derful pose! 🐶Everyone, you have to look after your cute little pets. After all... it is common enough to wear fur here, right?

Malfie 

Holding his Master in the highest regard is Malfie who works for Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. His name has also been romanised by fans as Malfi, Malfy or Malefy- while Malfi is likely most directly accurate, I personally am too use to writing it as Malfie, though none of the above would be considered incorrect.

The most narcissistic of the Recruiters, even dubbed Nar-fie, Malfie carries a hand mirror around with him at all times so that he can always admire his own beauty. On the off chance one of the other members manages to sneak away with the mirror, he becomes uncharacteristically frantic until he can find it again. 

While Malfie does not love anyone like he loves himself, he gets along with a majority of the other characters fairly well, particularly Joe and Farja. He is also the most popular victim when the ladies decide to start bullying the men’s team- Farja, despite the fact that she and Malfie get along, is most likely to lead the charge in picking on him. 

Malfie is in canon the personification of a crow, whether or not he is Maleficent’s crow that appears in the movie is unclear. He does however, consider Diaval from the live action movie Maleficent his rival in beauty. 

Quotes 😈It is I!  😈Beauty like mine could grant you whatever you wished for; money, love... even the wish to become a Villain! 

Eight-foot Joe

A dedicated worker for the sea-witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid is Eight-foot Joe. His introduction suggests that he is in fact hiding his extra legs which leads fans to conclude he is an actual octopus. 

Joe is the tired office worker of the group, the only one that treats the program as the job that it is. Based off Ursula’s business as the sea-witch, Joe’s introduction includes him launching into what likes a rehearsed speech advertising Ursula’s services. When not at the microphone, Joe is usually hiding behind guests or sitting down somewhere away from the red carpet. 

Of all the Recruiters, Joe is the most crass. He speaks rudely to guests, usually telling them off about one thing or another. He teases the other Recruiters but can rarely be caught sharing a laugh with them. Like Jack, his reactions to mentions of his Master are usually of fear, likely because he is overworked and insulting Ursula will only result in more work for himself.

In the early years he was very vocal about how tired he was and how he did not need friends, but the end of 2018’s season saw him the most emotional and commenting on how he wishes he had more time with them. 

Quotes 🐙What is it that burdens you? Some human trouble? Or perhaps... a burden of love? 🐙I hope you all have an oct-ful... I mean, wonderful day.

Lady Pirate Hock 

Working for the infamous Captain Hook from the world of Peter Pan is Lady Pirate Hock. She is, without a doubt, most popular amongst her fellow ladies Recruiters. 

Hock is the most suave and flirtatious of the ladies Recruiters, though her wiles are only ever directed at either the ladies or female guests. Scatter, Veil, Farja and Hades can all be caught swooning over her and fighting for her attention when she offers to escort any of them after the show. Even amongst the men’s team she is known to be handsome and popular. 

While her overall character is extremely charming and almost prince like, she has an endearing childish side that usually shows when she’s picking on the men’s team or running off with their props. Having said that, she is extremely protective of the ladies team, particularly Veil, when the men retaliate. 

For the longest time I mistook her name for Hook, but after some fact checking, it can be confirmed that her English romanisation would be Hock.

Quotes ⚓️The sun shines brightly again today... oh sun, your light is not what I need today. What I need is the beautiful light of the moon. ⚓️The sun’s light is dazzling, but what dazzles me most right now ... are all your beautiful smiles. 

Veil

The Hunchback of Notre Dame’s Villain, Frollo, has Veil has his underling. Though not specially stated, there have been instances where she alludes to the fact that she may be the bell a top the Notre Dame. 

If Veil were present on any particular day, you would hear her coming long before they reach the performance area. She also carries a small hand bell with her that she rings loudly as she walks around, much to the dismay of some of her fellow cast members. Though if the men complain she tends to ring it more loudly in their ear. 

She is the most refined of and of the cast, speaking formally to everyone else and walking with a grace not seen in the others. She is closest with Hock whom she appears to have a crush on, blushing whenever they hold hands. However every time Jack approaches her, she quickly and harshly brushes him off. When asked why, she claims it is because Jack makes fun of her pose. 

Veil has the voice of an angel, she often breaks into the song halfway through her introduction, needing Scatter to stop her and remind her to please teach the audience her pose.

Quotes 🔔This bell that was bestowed upon me by Master Frollo will surely shake your heart 🔔God help the outcasts, children of God.

Pretty Scar 

Taking on the same name as her Master is Pretty Scar, working for the Lion King’s Scar. She is what one could call the black sheep of the family because despite being a Villain, she values all things that are considered cute and pretty. She runs around pouting dramatically looking for compliments which all the other Recruiters find unfitting of a Villain.

When introduced by the hosts, it’s said Scar is disliked by all the other Recruiters and during her own speech she the others are always looking for places to hide or pushing each other closer so that they do not have to listen to her. When interacting with the others she is mostly the one pushing herself onto them, Jack being one of the few that won’t completely turn her away.

She is also madly in love Mr. Dalmetia, despite him always turning her down she does not let up. She is always chasing after him and attempting to cling to him, calling him her ‘Darling’. While the other ladies Recruiters don’t seem to pay much attention to her love for Daru, when Daru finally agrees to stay with her, Farja and Hock who were present congratulated her.

Based on the fact that Jack calls her ‘Hyena-Girl’ it can be assumed she is the personification of a hyena, similar to the group of hyenas that work for her Master. 

Quotes 🐱Hmph, hmph! I’m grumpy today because no one’s called me cute! Ah! That feels good! 🐱Darling!

Farja

Flying in from Agrabah is Farja who works for Jafar from the film Aladdin. Her most prominent features are her flowing black and red hair and flowing dress that she shows off on the red carpet. 

Farja is easily the most bratty of the ladies Recruiters, if the audience does not give her an impressed enough reaction to her magic tricks she will complain really loudly and gesture for more applause. When watching the others, if they mess up or do anything silly she is first to laugh really loudly. On the other hand, if something does not please her she tends to scream in a person’s face until whatever is upsetting her stops.

She gets along quite well with the other ladies Recruiters, excluding Scar, and is one of the members that swoons of Hock all the time. She often fights for Hock’s attention and laughs excitedly when Hock escorts her to and from the show. 

While she screams out angrily whenever Iago is mentioned, it does seem she is based off the parrot which explains why she gets along with Malfie who is a crow. 

Quotes 🌹Isn’t my magic simply amazing? In happy times and sad times, remember it and your heart will bloom too! 🌹Villains Sassoon! 

Ms. Hades

Once again taking the name of her Master Hades from Hercules, is Ms Hades. Unlike her hotheaded Master, she is the most indifferent of the ladies Recruiters.

She believes in just letting people do as they please because she too wants to just let people do as they please and not carry any of the responsibility. She acts like a tired mother watching her chaotic children as the other Recruiters run around messing with each other. 

While she is possibly the quietest member of the entire team and the most professional. While she may not be as vocal as the others though, she is often with them admiring each other’s props or fighting for Hock’s attention. At any mention of her Master though she becomes extremely excited and waves enthusiastically to decorations in his image. 

Even though she does not seem to notice it, whenever she high fives or gets too close to the other members, they tend to back away as though they have been burned, after which she follows them curiously causing them to run away faster.

Quotes 🔥Entering this world without permission… do as you please. I turn a blind eye… as I please.  🔥In human terms you could call it liberation, call it freedom!

[thatfunkyopossum]

The 4400 AU

In short: Time Travel Shenanigans AU where Katsuki Bakugou is a first generation Japanese American immigrant who was born in 1936 and got sent to the future in 1952. Eijirou Kirishima is a gay american punk from new york living through the AIDs epidemic, born in 1970 and sent to the future in 1986. More information below the cut!  

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

Please Reblog & consider following! Buy me a Coffee? https://ko-fi.com/O5O36YKF

Do you know The 4400? Its a show where, over the last 50 years, there have been 4,400 specific disappearances. In the modern day, a ball of light is on a collision course with earth. Before it crashes it slows down, then in a bright flash it deposits all 4,400 of those people. Not one of them has aged a day since their initial disappearance. By all accounts, they were just at the spot and time of their disappearance mere moments ago, even though many occurred decades previously. They’re held for 6 weeks by the government before its determined that they and their families have the right for them to be freed, on the condition that they return for weekly check-ins. Interestingly, after their reappearance, the 4400 begin to display supernatural abilities.... 

My friend @albino-pony suggested this au! Its one I’ve gotten really into even though I’ve only ever seen the first episode of the show. I’m not entirely sure how to format this so its interesting, but I figure that if you clicked on the readmore and you’re still reading, then you’re ok with some info dumps. So here’s these boys individual timelines. TW For era typical homophobia and racism. 

Katsuki

          Mitsuki was born in 1914 in Japan’s Aomori prefecture. She was born with albinism, giving her blonde hair and blue eyes. In 1928 Mitsuki immigrated with her family to the United States at age 14, where they were processed at Angel Island, and moved into San Francisco shortly thereafter. She, her parents, and older brother all got jobs as soon as they could. In 1932, amidst the Great Depression, she met Masaru Bakugou and married him in the spring of 1934.

In 1936 Masaru and Mitsuki had their first child, a boy who inherited her albinism, and named him Katsuki. They do their best to provide for him, but it's the Great Depression and they're immigrants who only speak English so well. They scrape by, providing for their boy as best they can. They normally leave their son in the care of an Inko Midoriya, a fellow Japanese immigrant who is being supported by her fairly successful husband. 

 Then in 1939, things are stabilizing again. Life is getting easier. They still work themselves to the bone but they don't go to bed starving so their growing son can have his best chance. In 1940 life is pretty good. Katsuki's four years old. Mitsuki has a job as a seamstress, and Masaru has an office job. Life is looking up. 

December 7th of 1941, Pearl Harbor is bombed. Americans die. Masaru and Mitsuki are scared about the possibilities of war and what it could mean for their little one. But they decide to do their part and work as hard as they can for their new home, because they're Americans, and they love this country and the hope it holds for their son. 

February 1942, the Bakugous are detained and put in a Japanese Internment camp in southern California, where they spend the next three years. Katsuki is five years old when they’re forced out of their home, and he remembers the train ride. He remembers his father holding him as they walked. He remembers the cold. He remembers the three coldest winters he ever felt, and he remembers the burning blazing heat of the three hottest summers he ever endured. He remembers the scorching desert of Manzanar. He remembers the stuffy air of the tight quarters. He remembers. 

September 1945, The Bakugous finally leave Manzanar. They’re among the last to go. They go home to San Francisco and try to move on. Katsuki is nine years old. His parents are disturbed at how bad anti-japanese sentiment has gotten in the time they were at Manzanar.  Mitsuki finds an old magazine in a waiting room with an article on how to tell Japanese people from Chinese. Masaru is spat on and called various racial slurs. They're terrified for their son, and do their best to shield him from it. When Inko Midoriya’s husband is killed only a few blocks away because he was Japanese and his murderer talked about how his brother was killed in action by them, Mitsuki doesn't let her son play outside anymore.

December 1945, Mitsuki realizes she’s pregnant again.

September 19th, 1946, Tsubaki Bakugou is born.

February 27th, 1947, Tsubaki Bakugou dies of whooping cough at four months old, her family lacking access to the vaccine. Katsuki is eleven years old, and is the one to find her body after his mother asked him to check on her. 

June 1947, Mitsuki pays closer attention to her remaining child, terrified of losing him too. She gets worried. Mitsuki starts to notice how fond he is of his friends, and how little he seems to care about girls.

1948,  She starts to worry about the way he looks at other boys and the movie stars of his favorite pictures. She asks him one night if he likes boys better than girls, and when he says yes she cries and tells him that he has to learn to like girls, and that liking boys is bad and he can't do it anymore.  She doesn't let him go to the cinema anymore, and doesn't let him go out at all with his friends unless Izuku is there with him, because she knows Izuku will tell his mom if anything weird happens, and that Inko will tell her. She doesn't tell Masaru.

1949, When Katsuki is 13, Mitsuki and Inko talk, and they end up sending both of their sons to military school. Inko hopes it will help her son to stand up for himself, and Mitsuki hopes it will teach Katsuki discipline and order. It helps Izuku. It tames Katsuki's attitude toward adults, but his treatment of the other kids only gets worse. The only thing he learns there is how to pretend.

1952,  Katsuki is 16, he's visiting home. He fights with his mother. They call each other all manner of horrible things. He tells her he never wants to see her again. She tells him thats fine, and to go. Katsuki goes for a walk to clear his head.

He never comes home.

Eijirou

Eijirou is born on October 16th, 1970 in upstate new york. His timeline is shorter than Katsuki’s because I dont know as much about 70s/80s culture in new york that would have affected a young japanese american man, so theres only a few really important events in his life that I know for sure of.

July 28, 1982 - Eijirou is 11 years old and sees Queen live on their Hot Space Tour in NYC, and it blows his fucking mind. It instills in him a love of music, and whenever he needs to psych himself up for something he listens to those songs and remembers that energy. 

1984 - He comes out as gay to his parents and is kicked out. He takes a bus to the city and ends up being embraced and taken care of by some members of the punk scene and NYC gay communities. 

1985 - The man who took care of Eijirou, Taishiro Toyomitsu, better known by his stage name Fatgum, dies of HIV related complications. 

1986 - On his way back to the shitty apartment he shares with his bandmates from a concert they were a part of, Eijirou stops to pee in an alley way or something, and disappears in a flash of light. 

When the 4400 appear back on earth in the modern day, many experience small physical changes. For example, Eijirou and Katsuki have red eyes, and Izuku’s hair is slightly green. Todoroki’s hair is half white, and half red. 

People Who Reappeared in the 4400 and When/Where

Touya Todoroki - 1923 - Japan

Tenya Iida - 1924 - Great Britain (London)

Shoto Todoroki - 1930 - Japan

Yagi Toshinori - 1946 - America

Katsuki Bakugou - 1952 - America (San Francisco, California)

Izuku Midoriya - 1952 - America (San Francisco, California)

Fumikage Tokoyami - 1961 - America (West Virginia) 

Hawks (whats your real fucking name u shit) - 1961 - America (West Virginia)

Yuga Aoyama - 1968 - France 

Tooru Hagakure - 1970 - New Zealand 

Denki Kaminari - 1977 - America

Ochako Uraraka - 1985 - United Kingdom

Eijirou Kirishima - 1986 - America (New York, New York) 

Momo Yaoyarozu - 1989 - West Germany (Berlin) 

Shota Aizawa - 1992 - Japan (Tokyo)

Ashido Mina - 1996 - Japan

Hanta Sero - 2000 - China (Yunnan Province) 

Kyouka Jiro - 2005 - America 

Tsuyu Asui - Literally like a week before they reappeared - America

More will be added as they’re decided on!

[anarcoqueer1994]

Chapter 4 of Platonic Tran!Tarty

*Note: So here is my 4th chapter of this, probably will do 1 more but I have another Trans!TJ Tyrus story in mind. Also I am mixed on this chapter so nice words are appreciated.

Also side note: If you bind be safely. Never wear more than 8 hours at a time when avoidable, never sleep in, bind loosely when exercising, and take it off when you pain.

Listen to your body! This goes for store bought and home made binding methods. I have fucked myself up with binding unsafely!

Finally you matter whether you pass, don't pass, or don't want to pass. The way you present yourself is up to you. NO ONE can tell you how to present your gender or lack there of. ♡

"We kicked that boy out because we do not have a son, but our daughter is welcome back whenever she wants."

That was the last thing Marty's mother said to him when he went with his aunt to get his stuff from his former bedroom. He tried not to let on that what she said hurt him, but damn did it hurt. All he could muster up the courage to say was "You never had a daughter." Before closing the front door.

To say it has been a weird few days is an understatement. Marty was kicked out of his parent's home. He isn't necessarily upset about not being in that house though. Being there always felt like he was living in one of those abandoned minefields. From a distance, it looked safe, there was a delicate way to step to keep everything from blowing up around it. But Marty stepped on one of those mines the moment he refused to let his mother ignore who he was anymore. No, actually he didn't just step on it, it was like he purposely found it and slammed down on it, obliterating everything that kept their sham of a family together. 

As with any explosion, Marty didn't walk away unscathed either. It hurt him so badly that his mother would rather him not living with them just because he wanted to be happy. It hurt him to know that she, and his father chose bigotry over their own kid, because that means they never truly loved him. They loved the idea of having a child. But as soon as that child did something outside their mold they created, they wanted him to go back into that mold. They wanted him to deny who he was. They wanted him to go back to playing make believe. That's not love. That's hate.

But even with these wounds he endured, good came from them. The Kippens let him stay the first night. Mrs. Kippen also helped him arrange things with his aunt. Actually  as soon as she heard what her "horrid" sister and brother-in-law did to their own child, she gladly offered to take up guardianship. So now he is living with a guardian who is loving and supportive of him just the way he is. He doesn't go into detail about why his parents kicked him out to people who don't already know because he is still not ready to come out. The only people who know are the Kippens, his aunt, and Buffy. That night also confirmed for him how much he lov...really likes Buffy. She stood by his side through it all. On top of all of this, his aunt live a street over from the Kippens. 

TJ and Marty have taken to spending a lot of time together(when they weren't with their significant others.) It was nice having a bestfriend who could relate to what you were going through. It was this reason, that the boys were sitting at TJ's dining room table, scrolling through a tablet, searching for the perfect binder for Marty. It wasn't exactly Marty's idea. He was perfectly fine with binding with bandages and sports bras but TJ found out and insisted.

"Dude, you are a runner! Binders already constrict your chest, you know the thing with your lungs in it?" TJ says sarcastically. "You should find one that is more breathable than whatever makeshift one you are using."

"In case you've forgotten, it was kind of hard to have one in my parents house. I had saved up and bought one, then my mom found it and tossed it. I don't exactly have the money for one right now."

"Don't worry about that."

"Man, you can't afford one either." Marty knew that Amber and TJ's parents weren't super well off money wise. That's why both kids have jobs.

"I didn't say I was buying it." 

"How are we getting it then?"

TJ looks away guiltily like he said too much.

"How are we getting it TJ?" Marty demands as TJ tries to ignore him by continuing to scroll online.

"I know you heard me Teej."

TJ lets out a sigh. "Okay but you did not hear this from me! She will kill me if she knew I told you. But...Buffy is paying for it. She wanted you to be safe while running and playing sports. I think her exact words were 'How can I kick his butt if he goes passing out on me?'"

Marty groans. "She shouldn't waste her money on me."

"Look man, I would just take it. Buffy cares about you and wants the best for you."

Marty gets a dopey smile on his face. "I guess she does, doesn't she?"

TJ rolls his eyes in feigned annoyance before punching Marty's shoulder playfully. "Duh. I didn't think you were that dense. " 

"Whatever, let's get back to looking I guess." Marty laughs before the boys turned their attention back to the tablet in front of them.

**********

After a while, after they decide on the right one, they find themselves sitting in TJ's basement playing video games. Both their cell phones vibrate at the same time. It's the group chat.

Buffy: Is anyone free? Wanna get some lunch at The Spoon?

Andi: Yea, Amber and I will be there.

Buffy: Oh? You and Amber are hanging out.

Amber: Yea ;)

Andi: Amber! I'm just helping her a poster board for her English class.  

TJ: Sure ;)

Buffy: Anyhow...anyone else wanna come.

Marty: I'll be there Driscoll. <3 So will TJ.

Jonah: Did you just use the heart emoji? 

Marty: Yea, what of it?

Jonah: Nothing, man. I'll be there too.

TJ notices that Cyrus isn't responding to the group chat. He is a little worried because Cyrus is always the first to replying to an invite for babytaters.

TJ: Cy, you coming? 

Jonah: ?

Buffy: Cyrus?

Andi: Maybe God phone is dead. No biggie.

TJ: Maybe. I'm going  to take a rain check on The Spoon.

TJ turns to Marty. "Hey I will catch you later. I'm going to Cyrus' house to make sure he is okay."

"Alright, maybe you all can meet up with us later."

TJ gives a half smile. "Maybe."

Marty nods and heads out. A few minutes later, TJ has his coat on and is heading to Cyrus.

**********

Cyrus felt terrible. He honestly felt like his world was crashing down around him. He knows he is being oversensitive but can't help it. He was laying on his bed, trying not to cry. He was not succeeding very well. 

He had heard his phone vibrating from the night stand next to his bed. He just couldn't find the strength to reach over and see who it was. He was too busy being self-loathing, for that. 

After a while he hears a small knock on his bedroom door. He yells out "I don't want to talk about it, dad! Please go away." Sometimes Cyrus hated that his parents were psychiatrists. It made it hard to avoid his feelings.

"It's not your dad, it's me, Underdog." He didn't expect to hear TJ's voice come from the other side of the door. The voice continues "Can I come in please?"

The blonde waits on the other side of the door for a response. He listens to some shuffling before a weak voice calls out. "Yea, come in." 

When TJ enters the room, he sees the brunette sitting cross legged on his bed. It looks like he had hurriedly tried to wipe away some tears, leaving behind puffy eyes and streaks down his cheek. TJ immediately walks the room, closing the distance between  them. He sits on the edge of the bed and takes Cyrus' hand in his.

 Rubbing the rough skins on Cyrus knuckles with his thumb, he meets Cyrus' eyes. "Cy, what's wrong?"

Cyrus looks away, and attempts to change the subject. "Weren't you and Marty having a bros day or something?" He knows how lame that sounds coming out of his mouth.

"We were. But Buffy invited everyone to The Spoon and I was going to go, but you weren't replying to my messages, and I got worried."

Cyrus looks guiltily at his phone sitting on his nightstand. He turns back to TJ, still not being able to look him in the eye. "You should of gone. I'm sorry."

"I didn't want to go if you weren't there. Like I like our friends but you were the person I was looking forward to hanging out with."

A gap of air gets caught in Cyrus'  throat, almost as if he is attempting to hold back a sob. "Why…"

"Why what?" TJ looks confused.

"Why...why do you want to hang out with me?" Cyrus says quietly.

TJ looks at the boy, confused. "You're  are my boyfriend. Why wouldn't I want to hang out with you?"

"You don't get it. I don't  know why you want to be with me, why you were even my friend in the first place. I'm awkward, and annoying, and anxious, and I'm not really worth your time… and I'm..."

TJ interrupts Cyrus by throwing his arms around him and pulling into a hug. "Cyrus, none of that is true, what has gotten into you?"

Cyrus mumbles something against TJ's shirt. The jock pulls back slightly and says softly. "What did you say?"

"I said... Kira."

"Wait you mean that one girl Buffy kicked off the girl's team?"

Cyrus nods his head.

TJ looks angry but not at Cyrus. "What did she do?" His voice is scarily calm. But he is so mad, because whatever she did made the boy he loves hurt.

"It doesn't matter, Teej. She was right any ways."

"Cyrus, what did she do?"

"It's nothing, really. I promise."

"You were in here crying and even now you look like you are still on the verge of tears. I may be oblivious but never to anything that hurts you." TJ says as place his hand under Cyrus's chin, forcing him to look meet his eyes.

"Okay, I...I will tell you. But it is stupid." Cyrus sounds almost embarrassed. "I went out grocery shopping with my dad this morning. Outside the market, Kira was there with some of her friends. I had stepped outside to get some air because my dad was taking forever. She saw me and came over. I think she knows I am one of Buffy's best friends. She started talking to me and I could tell she wasn't trying to make polite small talk. But I tried to be nice and just kind of ignore her but then she said...some mean things."

TJ whispers, "What did she say Cy?"

"She doesn't understand why you are dating me. She said that it must have been a fluke that one of the most popular guys in school is dating a loser like me. She said you must have just felt bad for me or something. And Teej, she is right. I am not very cool obviously and I am pretty annoying. Remember you even said that."

TJ thinks back to the swings. He totally forgot about that. He was just blowing off steam trying to work up the courage to say more though that day. "Wow, Cyrus, you can't seriously believe that? I'm sorry I ever said that but do you remember what else I said that day. I meant it when I said you are the only person I can talk to like this." Cyrus turns a way. TJ continues. "You know she is only trying to hurt you. Nothing of what she said is true. Cyrus please tell me you know she is just trying to get into your head."

"I mean I get that she isn't a nice person but it still got to me, you know? I wish I could be confident and popular sometimes. It's stupid. I just like you so much, and I am worried that I am not good enough for you. Like...I would understand if you found someone better."

TJ instinctive moves his hands to cup Cyrus' cheeks, pushing slightly so the shorter boy stops talking. TJ smiles at  how cute his boyfriend looks before beginning to speak. "You know, for someone so smart, you can be so dumb sometimes."

Cyrus sarcastically replies "That makes me feel so much better." TJ's hands don't leave Cyrus'  face.

"Underdog, do you think I would leave you because you are not cool enough? I have had a crush on you since the day we met. It was not because I thought you were "cool" or whatever. I thought you were the cutest boy I had ever seen. I loved saying you were with me because I could pretend for that slight moment that you were with me. Then the more we talked, the more I wanted that to be true.I love how dorky you can be. I love how sweet you are. You are truly my favorite person. I wanted to be better so I could be good enough for you.  Then when I didn't think I could like you more than I already did, you managed to make that happen, too. You accepted me without question when I told you that I was trans. You have never made me feel like less then a guy. Cyrus, you are the only person I want to be with."

"Teej, that's because you are not less than any other guy. Why would I ever treat you differently?"

"Because not everyone thinks like that." 

"Well anyone who would treat you like less is wrong." Cyrus, for the first time since TJ arrived smiles. He smiles that cute smile that TJ know is just for him.

"Cyrus, I am so thankful everyday to have you in my life. You are amazing and I need you to know that."

"I know that you  think I am amazing, and even if I don't believe that I am, that is enough for now." Cyrus leans his forehead against TJ's. The boys are now both sitting across from each other on the bed.

TJ returns Cyrus' smile. His voice is quiet adding to the tiny world they created around them,making it feel like they were the only people that existed in that moment. "Well I am just going to have to remind you every day until you know what I know about you. No one gets to make you feel bad unless they want to deal with  me."

"Thanks, not-so-scary-basketball-guy." Cyrus pulls TJs hands into his lap and absentmindedly plays with his fingers. They sit like that for awhile, just enjoying each other's existence.

************

The following day was Monday and they had school. The previous night after TJ finally went home, he had an idea. He decided two things that night.

1)He never wants Cyrus to hurt again. It killed him that Cyrus looked so broken over a bully. He wanted Cyrus to know he is wonderful and deserves the world.

2) He didn't want to be a hypocrite. He was constantly telling Cyrus is perfect just being his dorky, adorable self. But Cyrus believed the same about TJ, that nothing was wrong with him, any part of him. TJ no longer wanted to hide that he was trans. He wanted to tell the world.

He remembers seeing this episode of Glee where the cast wore shirts with their truths on them and sang Born This Way. He was definitely not about to about to sing in front of the school but the shirts were a good idea. He could come out and also show Cyrus that he is worth it. So he texted his friends and asking if they will do it with him, except he did not mention what his would say. They agreed because they wanted to make Cyrus feel better.(Cyrus had filled them in over group chat what had happened.)

His friends and him walked to school that morning, with their shirts covered. It was winter after all so they all wore zipped up coats. Cyrus seemed apprehensive, he and TJ weren't exactly in the closet but being this straight forward about it was scary. TJ took his hand as they walked and squeezed it reassuringly. He hadn't even told Cyrus what his shirt says. Everyone's shirts were a surprise to each other.

They reached the door of the school. They stand off to the side so they can show each other their hand made shirts first before the rest of the student body. They unzip one by one.

Buffy's was white with plain black sharpie letters that read "Sports Bi with Great Hair." Everyone giggles at that. "What can I say? I got great hair and like all the genders."

"I'll go next." Jonah says as he shows him his shirt. It simply says "Panic Attacks." All his friends smile at him. They know this is a big step for him. They know how embarrassing he thinks they are. 

Andi follows suit and shows her shirt. "Pan. Proud. Asian. Artist. I am more than Stereotypes." Of course hers looks the best with glitter and beautiful designs surrounding the eloquently written letters.

Marty is next. It just reads "Parent Issues but still faster than you." Both Buffy and TJ slip reassuring glances at him. He is not ready to come out as trans and that's okay.

Next is Cyrus. He lamely jokes "Mine isn't really that surprising."  He opens his coat to reveal "Anxious Disaster Gay(but I Got a Cute Boyfriend)" There are a few little rainbow hearts crudely drawn on around the word boyfriend.TJ blushes at the last part of the sentence. He smiles like a dope at Cyrus. 

"Are you blushing  Kippen?" Buffy laughs.

"Shut up Driscoll." He counters  before turning back to Cyrus. "I love it Underdog."

TJ looks back at all his friends standing around him. They look at him expectantly. He is suddenly really nervous to reveal his. He knows they will support him. Marty and Cyrus already know and they don't care. But he knows soon everyone will know. For a split second he thinks about turning away and going home and changing. But then he feels Cyrus' finger squeeze around his hand. He takes a deep breath and unzips his coat.

He is wearing a soft blue T-shirt with a metallic pink sharpie writing. He reads "Trans Boi who is In Love With Cyrus Goodman." Everyone looks in shock. Cyrus throws his arms around TJ and pulls him into a hug. "I am so proud of you Teej, and I love you too." TJ squeezes back, afraid to let go, afraid to see his friends' face. He whispers "Thanks Underdog."

When they break their hug, he looks around to see what his friends have to say. But they don't speak. Instead, he is met with a crowd arms pulling into another hug. This one a group hug. It said everything without using words. These were his friends and they loved and supported him.

While this is happening, Marty thinks to himself that he wants to tell his friends soon, just not today or as publicly as TJ.

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list.

@abg-blah @kippens-a-goodman

[alexwinfield-blog1]

Digital Footprints: Put YOUR stamp on it.

It’s Monday morning. A new day. Another week of school. You turn off your alarm and head straight over to Twitter. “Monday already !!!!!!! (Crying emoji X10) Can’t w8 to get back into bed”. Your phone pings. It’s Lizzie. Your BFF. She never lets you down. Except not today it seems. “Soz bbe. Sooooo ill. Grab any hw sheets for me plzzzz (blowing kiss emoji) xxxx”. Mum shouts up the stairs “Are you getting up at any point today? The dog needs walking and you need to take your brother to school!” You slam your phone into the duvet, roll your eyes and take a deep breath. You’re annoyed and the day has only just begun. Toast in one hand and dragging your brother out the door by the other, you smile at the postman. “Morning”, you say. Knowing full well he loses your packages ALL THE TIME.  Be nice mum always tells you. Manners cost nothing.

You get to school. The mean girls stare you down as you walk to your English lesson. You try to look cool. You tell yourself that one day they’ll take you in as one of their own, but maybe today just isn’t that day. You find your seat, unpack your books, your pencil case, tucking your phone under your hideous plaid skirt. Silly really. Illuminating skirts aren’t exactly the school uniform market’s latest innovation. You’re top of your class. You know you shouldn’t be scrolling through Instagram in a lesson, but everyone else does, and you for sure don’t want to stick out any more than what you already do. You get A’s in nearly every assignment and you compete in nearly every extra-curriculum sport in the school, but you can’t help but fantasise about that Instagram #gymbod. Your parents are immensely proud, and your teachers? You can’t do enough to please them. You love school. Never too shy to raise your hand in class, never too eager to stand in front of the WHOLE of year 11 to deliver a speech about the school’s litter policy, and never too embarrassed to admit to your friends that you’ve not even kissed a boy.

It’s lunchtime. You and your best friends of 12 years gather around the canteen table.They tell you about their exciting weekends. How their heart throb boyfriends distracted them from getting any work done. How they got ridiculously drunk at a family party and how their mum grounded them for coming home at 10:33 – 3 minutes later than expected. And you? You just listen. For the most part, you spend your break and lunch times talking in the hockey team WhatsApp group chat. They’re a laugh. Sometimes you tell the girls about your boring weekend, or even fluff it up slightly by telling them you actually got out of your pyjamas. They would never believe you. You’re well and truly the plain Jane out of the bunch. The new boy in your year asks if the seat next to you is taken. The girls think he’s a nerd but you think he’s quite cute. You say no. The girls sigh as if to say “you’re such a loser”, but you don’t care. You have to pretend you don’t know his name, that you don’t have an unhealthy obsession with checking his Facebook. You know his cat goes by the name of Clive, but you pretend you don’t know that. You know he plays for the local rugby team, but you’re not supposed to know that either. You don’t know that his birthday is the 6th of June, and most importantly, you must NOT show any bitterness towards his girlfriend of 3 years.

Home time at last. You’re loosening your tie as you get closer to the front door, eager to jump straight back into bed. PING. It’s the girls group chat. “House (girl dancing emoji) Sat nite. 8.30. B there or b (square emoji)”. NOOO. You promised mum you’d have a film night with her. Saturday night rolls around. You’ve been plotting all week how you could get away with this one, but she’s a mum. They find out everything. Not this time. You divert from the party situation. It’s now a revision sleepover situation with the girls. You ask to go and of course you’re allowed. School first, partying second. It’s 10pm. You’re having the best time but you assured mum updates on the revision sesh. So, as promised, you load up Instagram stories. On your second Instagram account, obviously. By second, you mean the only Instagram account your mum thinks exists, right? You locate the photo album named “revision”. You browse this until you find the most colourful, most mind-map-ful, most hard working-esque photo you can find. And voila! A little later, in comes a text from mum. “Wonderful stuff. Looks like you’re really working hard. See you in the morning :)” . Little does she know, over on what might as well scream @yourerliar101, several stories and photos were posted of your amazing night with your besties. In the morning it seems the party was a huge success. Tweets and Instagrams raving about the night – “Can’t believe Josh taught every1 to do the (worm emoji) (cry laughing emoji)”. “Had the best nite EVAAAAAA (tongue out emoji)”. “Me and the gals last night!!!!!!! (cocktail emoji) (heart eye emoji) #lovethem”.

Sound familiar? Well, this may not be too dissimilar to a day in the life of your late teenage years. (Millennials, this one is for you!) Through this artificial account, we learn that in just 24 hours, you are likely to perform a variety of different roles. You’re a reliable friend and a caring sibling. You’re also studious, a potential lover and occasionally a liar. But sometimes it’s for the best, right? So, quite literally, how can these personalities become transparent online?

Just like this teenager, the average social media user, whatever you may define this to be, can be traced online. Social media can speak volumes about a person. Not just what they get up to on the weekend, but the finer details. For example, they’re obsession with their house rabbits, how much they can’t stand their boss, and more recently, how they’ve jumped on-board Facebook’s latest bandwagon, “rate my meal”. 

Social media, such as Instagram and Twitter allow me to present the most favourable, or sometimes least favourable, versions of myself.  If you were to rewind to old school Alex on Twitter, you would definitely find tweets containing homophones, such as “u”, with my favourite acronym, still to this day, being “lol” – only used sarcastically of course. As well as this, I was a sucker for, and admittedly still am, a cluster of exaggerated punctuation, but mostly “!!!!!!!”.  Although Crystal (2008) claims that young users of social media, especially in SMS, will use abbreviations such as “GTGMIW” (Got to go, mum is watching), this wasn’t necessarily the case when I was growing up with social media. Nowadays, it’s all about filtering what you put online. This screening allows you to hide your online activity, for example by disguising your wild Friday night shenanigans by deselecting your mum from viewing your Snapchat story. Or, creating a separate Instagram just for your friends’ entertainment. You can be as embarrassing as you like and you won’t have 800 followers judging you.

Goffman (1974) refers to this online social interaction as “audience segregation”. We ultimately filter aspects of our lives from certain people in order to curate and maintain a multitude of personalities depending on the context we are in. So, for me, this means presenting a sensible, family-friendly Alex on Facebook, an interesting and good-humoured Alex on Twitter, and an exciting, adventurous Alex on Instagram. Let’s take a look…

So, 2017 A-Level Results day. Here, we’ve got a definite exaggerated use of punctuation and excitable capitalisation. Not only this, I clearly thought the use of the extreme smiley emoji X2 wasn’t enough, resulting in going the extra mile with a #. What am I doing here? Looking back on this, this for sure could have been Facebook worthy. This could have bagged me a gushing army of comments from overjoyed family members bursting with pride. But why Twitter? My friends would see this. People I know, but don’t really know, would see this. Those 23 likes - those 23 people thought this was worthy of a tweet and that’s all that mattered. In this moment, I. Was. Clever.

Evidently, over the years, I desired to either be desperately funny or desperately embarrassing. You decide this one.

Would I have found any of these tweets to be bland if I weren’t to use homophones? Or exaggerated punctuation? Or hashtags? Were these attempts for me to moan about how busy my life was? Did I want sympathy or just someone to relate to?

Here’s Instagram Alex. Holidaying in the Dominican Republic, Lanzarote and Greece. Eating Wagamamas at least once a week. Being overly obsessed with a French Bulldog, attending fancy-dress parties and the occasional festival. This is what I choose to share online. Not very exciting, but a fairly accurate representation of me. You can guarantee nearly every other caption incorporates an excessive use of emoticons, sarcasm and most definitely a little too much of this “!!!!!”.

What do these linguistic features allow me to achieve?

If I asked a complete stranger to read my Twitter, browse my Facebook and scroll through my Instagram, they would probably argue that my presence across these social media platforms doesn’t really differ that greatly. You could say that for the most part, I present the most authentic version of myself online. I’m not one to shy away from no-make up selfies, or tell the world about how groggy I feel after waking up from that 3- hour nap, or in fact how much I moan about going to my 20 hours a week part-time kitchen job.

However, for some people, this is not the case. Without audience segregation there would be a context collapse. Employees would start saying “lmao” when their boss asks for a coffee. Students would use inappropriate emoticons to sign of their “sorry I can’t make it to the lecture today, I’m ill” email. Parents would text, or even worse, tag you in their FB status announcing “#DINNERISREADY” instead of actually calling you down for dinner, and we definitely don’t want to live in a world full of parents who hashtag EVERYTHING.

So, what can we learn from this?

For both professional and personal matters, it’s important to present yourself online in a way that is consistent. You don’t want people to think you have 25 different personalities. Keep this for the real-life stuff. No one likes a catfish. After all, if 70% of employers screen candidates’ social media before they consider hiring, it’s important to avoid branding yourself as a fool online. Keep those drunken night out videos OFFLINE and maybe consider deleting those 2012 “Like for a rate <3” cringey Facebook statuses. However, don’t go erasing yourself offline completely in fear that you’ll never get a decent job. After all, 47% of employers argue that having an online presence allows them to learn a bit about who they’re hiring. So, be open, but not TOO open. Be YOU. However, if “you” means writing Facebook statuses about how much you love playing Angry Birds at work, or how you’re easily persuaded to go clubbing on a Monday night, maybe it’s best you don’t share the real you online. Be mindful about the digital footprint trail you’re leaving behind. 

References:

Driver, S. (2018, October, 7). Keep It Clean: Social Media Screenings Gain In Popularity. Retrieved from: https://www.businessnewsdaily.com/2377-social-media-hiring.html

Jones, R. H., & Hafner. C. A. (2012). Undersatnding Digital Literacies. London: Routledge.

[relatablyreal-blog]

Succeeding Failure

Let me just tell you about how all my failure started.

I hate school. The only thing I liked about school was my photography class and my photography teacher. I hated everything else. I had like 2 friends and they weren’t even the same age/grade as me. People were mean to me, I didn’t get amazing grades. I was pretty much an outsider. During lunch time, I would hang out in the photography classroom. I even submitted UC and CSU applications and got rejected from the only 2 that I applied for. 

I hated school so much, I barely tried. So since I barely tried, I almost didn’t graduate high school; my grandma actually bribed me. She said “if you graduate, I’ll give you $300.” So of course, I worked my but off since I had an incentive 🤷‍♀️ But since I was literally getting paid to graduate, I just focused on...graduating. Nothing else. So after graduating, I had no idea what I wanted to do. 

I told my parents that college would be a waste of time and money, so I wanted to just find a job. But since I came from an Asian family, I was technically threatened to go to college. My mom’s words were “if you don’t go to college, I’m kicking you out.” My parents did agree that if I went to college, they would pay for all of it and I wouldn’t have to pay bills, so again with this incentive thing. 

So I enrolled into community college and just started working on my GE (general education) classes. I still hated school so just like in high school, I didn’t really try. At this point, I was almost done with all my GE classes and I still haven’t chosen a major. I really liked photography in high school along with english, so I set my major as photojournalism. Then I realized that photojournalism wasn’t exactly the hottest job where I live, so I decided to major in just photography. But just like photojournalism, photography wasn’t too big in my area either; unless you want to working in a photo studio taking photos of people and babies.

At this point, I started to think about transferring to a UC or a CSU and I still haven’t figured out what to do. I finally decided to settle for graphic design and I took soooooo many graphic design classes! Fortunately, after taking all these classes, it helped me to realize what I actually liked: editing, specifically Photoshop. I loved the Photoshop class that was a part of the requirements! I also like UX design, which is designing apps, but I would’ve had to start all over if I wanted to switch to that (slightly regretting it now in 2019).

I continued with graphic design and was accepted into a CSU. I went to the orientation for the graphic design majors and the head of the department was telling us about how graphic design was actually a separate program. It was a Fine Arts program, so you would have to apply for it and submit a portfolio. He also mentioned that hundred of students apply to the program...and they only  accept anywhere from 50-75 students 😐Yes, really. So at this point, I’m even more nervous than I originally was about transferring.

I started my semester and the first class I was required to take was an introduction graphic design class. And literally THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS we were already drawing! I was completely unprepared for it. Everyone around me had drawing paper or a notebook and all I had was binder paper. So imagine a class of 25-30 art student with their fancy art notebooks and then there’s that one kid in the corner drawing on binder paper 🤦‍♀️ That was just the first time I embarrassed myself.

Along with graphic design classes, there were some photography classes that were required too. I was so much more confident in those classes! I knew exactly what the teacher was talking about and I knew what other students were talking about.

Again with this horrible graphic design class: all these other students had their nice laptops and drawing tablets and I had to bring my heavy, old, loud laptop to class. In class, all we did was work and not talk. So that means, it was so quiet that everyone could hear my monstrous laptop fan blowing away. Embarrassing moment #2. I hated this class so much. I felt like such an outsider and I was always so confused and lost in class. There were so many times that I would just cry when I get home. It was so stressful and I couldn’t take it anymore!

One day, I looked into other art-related majors that wouldn’t take too much longer since I have a lot of art classes done from community college. And low and behold, I walked through the art building and saw a flyer that was marketing a BFA (Bachelor of Fine Arts) program concentrating in photography. IT WAS A MIRACLE! I felt like God saw how much I was struggling and he was like “I gotchu girl! Do this instead!” I noticed there was a deadline to apply and it was less than a month away! So I went to the art office to ask them how I could switch my major to photography and they mentioned that I would have to submit a portfolio along with an artist statement and apply for the program. If I get accepted, I would have to fill out 3-4 papers and some of them needed signature from the heads of the photography department! There wasn’t much time, so I was literally on my laptop during my graphic design class filling out the papers and writing my artist statement. I was running around and around campus getting signatures and turning in papers and I was so nervous that I wouldn’t get in, but I got the email saying that I was accepted into the program and I was so happy I could leave graphic design!

I started taking ALL photography classes the semester after and I was just so happy! I met so many people and made so many friends! Not only that, but I was required to have my own art show and it was stressful, but fun! My advisory even said that I should apply for a grant and get my work put in a gallery! It was so crazy! 

I eventually graduated and now...I’m stuck, lost, and can’t find a job 😔

[neth-dugan]

Nine Worlds - Saturday

Friday found [here]

I got a full night’s sleep! I was still tired but it wasn’t too bad. I think I grabbed a nap at some point between panels but for the life of me I can’t say for sure when. Just that I really needed it. It was also the first day when I sat on or ran a panel.

ALCHEMY AND CHEMISTRY IN SF/FANTASY

This ended up being more about the history of chemistry and alchemy through time with a few examples of how it isn’t done accurately in either SF or Fantasy. Not what I was expecting, to be sure, but I still enjoyed it. I recognised a lot of it from a programme about the history of science and chemistry by Prof Jim Al Khalili on the BBC. The person presenting used to teach Chemistry and thus knew their stuff.

My only concern is that they said they were probably going to take longer than the slot assigned to them willy nilly like. Which. People have to get to things. Thankfully volunteers do pop their head in near the end of the slot if needed and it over ran a bit but not by too much. 

Something that is important to note, and that not many realise but the presenter here made sure people knew, is that alchemy and chemistry aren’t that different in many ways. It isn’t like astrology and astronomy. Alchemy is where chemistry came from, like its ancestor, more than anything else, and there was this period of transition where it gradually grew from alchemy into what we realise as the modern day science of chemistry. 

HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED CHILD APPRECIATION

... behind the scenes footage of the first cast rehearsing the play. Clemmett as Albus and Boyle as Scorpius. Not in costume/wig but look at Albus glomping his best mate. Look!

I went to see this play when it was still new, when we had to keep the secret safe and before the script was published. I loved it. I remember the little girl next to me in utter awe about the stage as we walked in. I remember of the Dementor flying just above my head. The thump that got you in your core as time travel took place. Adoring Scoripus so so much. My heart breaking during the scene with Albus and Scorpius on the stairs, and with the cast at the end when they must let events play out. And I remember learning that a lot of Potter fans weren’t a big fan of the play. 

So when I got an e-mail asking if I’d be willing to be on a panel about appreciating Cursed Child? I was all in. And when we were trying to figure out who would mod it I volunteered and so it began. 

It was a great panel. Me who had only seen it, not read it. Someone who’d only read it. People who’d done both. People who know a lot about plays and how they work and theatre and the like. 

We talked about the legacy of pressure of family, how that impacted Albus and Scorpius, and how there was these two stories - the kids and the adults. How we think it works that the characters aren’t these perfect adults and parents who do no wrong. Harry has a lot of trauma that the others around him don’t and that brushes up against the plot and also the needs Albus himself has. It’s messy and we think it works. There was also a lot of discussion around how it works as a play, how that makes it different from a book and the impact this probably had on reception. Play texts are fundamentally different from traditional prose and this can make it hard for those not used to reading them, who don’t know how to literally read between the lines. And we had huge appreciation for the stage craft from all sides of production.

I’m not turning this into a blow by blow of the panel. But there was a lot of love for the play. And considering this panel was up against the Black Panther panel? I think we did well. I am sad I didn’t get to go to the Black Panther panel but Nine worlds has not yet invented time travel so alas. I had a lot of fun, I hope others did too.

TOP OF THE SFF COPS

...tragically nobody mentioned Odo until I suggested him at the end. So I’m sticking him in here.

This panel is slightly infamous at this point, and going in I had no idea. Whilst I knew there were issues with a separate panel and a serving police officer being placed on it, I didn’t know this one would blow up. So far as I knew there’d been a similar one last year and I’d only heard good things. I also know that I have a lot of privilege being white and despite being queer I pass.... but I’ll go into that in a separate post later. Will post a link here when up.

A lot of genre fiction has police or security type characters in it. From X-Files to Star Trek to Discworld to Alien Nation and way way more. And like many professions who are portrayed on TV or otherwise intersect with it a lot (doctors, archeologists, writers, scientists) a lot of it isn’t done particularly accurately. So a group of people who work in law enforcement in various ways decided to do a session on which characters do their actual job best and in line with actual standards. It was made clear that they were there on a personal basis and not as an on duty or official representative type thing. 

They put forth a set of criteria - things like knows the law, exercises discretion, compassion, does the day to day hard work and not just the action stuff and so on. Mulder? Is right out. Scully however was in, and the only character I recognised. So I was mostly went by who sounded the best and it ended up being the guy from Discworld who wont the vote. I don’t know the books well though so who knows. This was literally the entire panel. Still, I can see in retrospect how it would make some people uncomfortable.

It was an okay panel. I wasn’t expecting it to be a big vote thing, and more of a discussion type thing but in hindsight  that may have caused more issues. 

LET THE PAST DIE: SACRIFICING SACRED COWS IN STAR WARS THE LAST JEDI

This was put into a room far too small for what it needed to be. People were crowding in and it wasn’t great. Not long after it started a volunteer came in and offered up the room across the hall that had way more seating, so we voted on it and unsurprisingly we moved across. This would have been easier for some to do than others but it also have people who needed more space that space whilst letting people in. But it likely caused issues for those who have a harder time moving. I’d had a big dizzy spell on my way to this but seemed to be okay moving. 

Part way through I decided to start live tweeting it and you can find that HERE. I’m not really sure what else to add but it was an interesting panel. Lots of talk about letting whiney fanboys whine to themselves, a lot of stuff they keep going on about was also in or also missing from the original trilogy. Nobody explained Palpatine until the prequel trilogy after all. He just turned up as a vague big bad when needed for plot. One panelist wished them the prequel trilogy ‘they deserve’ which amused me.

What I found most interesting though was a note on the green milk scene with Luke. I’ve seen people joke and deride that scene a lot since the movie came out. But one of the panelists, a woman from with roots in Hong Kong, said that it really struck a chord with her in relation to the diaspora. It reminded her of going into Tesco and finally seeing a noodle that isn’t exactly the same but reminds her a lot of something from home. And this was Luke claiming something that reminds him of where he came from even as he’s far away from it. It had honestly never occurred to me but it makes so much sense, and gives that scene a lot more value. I have no idea if the writers did that on purpose or if they did it as the easy joke though.

LAYERS OF MEANING: THE DIMENSIONAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ENGLISH, CHINESE, AND SIGN LANGUAGE

I loved this! This was hosted by a woman who was born in China and whose first language is Mandarin, but moved to Britain as a kid and later in life learnt BSL and now works as a sign language interpreter. She does this for Nine Worlds in various panels, as well as hosting a few sessions relating this to herself. And so she decided to do a panel that talks about her three languages as they’re all very different and go at language in different ways.

It was awesome.

...Mulan is not at all relevant but she is Chinese this is the best gif I could find that is both nerdy and has the writing system talked about in this session. And also, y’know, Mulan.

She isn’t a linguist, which she made sure everyone knew. But I think that made it work. It was also kinda amused because on the front row on one half of the aisle was a native speaker of BSL, and on the front row of the other half was someone who knows Mandarin better and I get the feeling probably came from a different part of the Chinese speaking world. But I’m just assuming there. And the interplay between the three was informative but also amusing.

I kinda knew the general concepts of what she was talking about. Or very vague versions of the concepts anyway. English is phonetic and the letters themselves have no meaning. D implies nothing when used in dog or door etc and it can be polysyllabic. Mandarin is logarithmic, it’s tonal and uses that rather than multiple syllables and it doesn’t have individual letters. The symbol for ‘female, woman’ 女 but as a radical can become a part of words like ‘calm/peace’ 安 which has the radicals for woman and home. Which, being at home is calming so I get that. There are also some not great words with woman as a radical too. 

And then there is sign language which doesn’t have just the mouth to speak. It has two hands, your face and your mouth. It takes place in a 3D space and adjectives are often included as part of the word, not separate to it. You can say entire sentences with a gesture, and you pick up on ways of expressing things because they look interesting in the same way you’d vocalise something a certain way because it sounds nice..

It was interesting. I don’t know a lot about language, and anything too technically worded would have lost me. But this didn’t and this was another of my favourite panels this year.

THE POLITICS OF ACTIVISM IN MARVEL COMICS

So I don’t know a lot about the comics. I’ve read a couple Wolverine books but that is about it. But I thought I’d go along and listen cause it seemed interesting. Jaime was hosting it, someone who’d worked on the comics was meant to be there but had to pull and out and so Jaime was left by themselves but... Jaime did a good job. 

A lot of the specifics were beyond me. But it seemed to be a common theme that activism within the comics would change the world too much beyond the baseline - a baseline that needed to remain stable. And a fear of how the much vaulted cis het white male would take it I’d imagine though I don’t remember that being touched on a lot.

I did comment at one bit. I tried to do a ‘I only really know the movies so maybe this is stated in-verse’ type of disclaimer and then was given what felt a bit like I’d been shot down with ‘comics only!’ despite others bringing MCU up before including by the mod. If they hadn’t, I’d have said nothing at all. But I may have just been a bit sensitive. In any case, I wondered if perhaps the characters did do things, within the parameters of their non-hero lives. Tony Stark is the CEO of a massive company after all, maybe he funds charities, treats workers well and make sure workers rights are a thing etc, invests responsibly. I dunno. And we just don’t see it much because it isn’t about punching people. I don’t remember a lot of what was said after that as I was too busy berating myself for daring to speak in a comics panel. Note to self, never go to one again, it is not meant for me. The vague idea I had about an X-Men as metaphor panel for next year? Likely wont submit that now.

But it was well moderated. People got a chance to speak, bounce ideas around and I think what I said was taken in as part of that. The session didn’t get stuck on one thing and it flowed through topics and ideas and the like and it was interesting. Except for that one moment I did genuinely enjoy it. Given the last minute alterations due to a key component having to drop out it was very well done.

... why do tumblr gifs all have to be so big? 

DR MAGNETHANDS

This is kind of hard to describe, but it was very adult friendly, It had Captain Picard with swearing crashing the moon onto London, and Theresa May as a monster head fighting against a butterfly made out of lamb chops in some kind of anti-Brexit accidental metaphor. Especially as the lamb chop butterfly was a heroic character that Theresa treated as a bad guy.  Everyone boo’d her at every turn.

It’s kinda hard to describe in any logical way what this session was like. Drawn off of audience suggestions and participation it’s basically crack fic made manifest.

... giant jellyfish in the sky didn’t happen, but were a distinct possibility.

It was just pure fun really. I laughed a lot, I had a great time, it was awesome.

SEX AT HOGWARTS

Another session that needed a bigger room. I got there pretty early and so had a good seat and then being a tad hyper I decided the room needed mood music. So I searched for romantic music in Spotify and played it. This is whilst the room was mostly empty and I did stop before the session started. Those who could actually hear it seemed amused. Not sure if it was at me or the music. And there were lots of tipsy people around.

We were also graced with Professor McGonagall who visited us and gave us all a good staring at. 

Much like the late night panel on Friday, it was a pretty lively discussion with lots of absurdity and very clearly adult only. There was a sensible power point that combined info released after the books about who was dating who, comics and some parodies of what sex ed at Hogwarts might look like. It’s not what I’d have done but given it’s slot it worked out pretty well.

...given the topic, probably best to have a gif of adult characters. Also it’s cute.

There was discussion of what counts as bestiality in a world where all sorts of beings are sentient. I even posited the question that if someone kept up with polyjuice for nine months, could someone usually lacking a uterus become pregnant and give birth? This was laughed down and dismissed as it was meant to. Think it was kinda obvious in how I delivered it that I was being absurd. There was a lot of speculation of what portraits get up to and.... yeah. it was exactly as it sounds.

A lot of fun, and probably nothing teens haven’t heard or thought before but still, a good thing they weren’t there.

I’d have liked to go to bar and play Slash but alas, I was tired so I went to bed. Hoping for sleep and rather sad that the next day would be my last for another year.

[SUNDAY HERE]

[brianna-lei]

Butterfly Soup asks #14

I accidentally wrote an essay about Diya and Akarsha’s parents! Also, how the squad acts when sick, and more

Diya and Akarsha’s parents have their flaws, but they’re not as bad as Min and Noelle’s. 

Like Diya mentioned at the beginning of the game, she doesn’t talk to her parents much because when she does, they’re prone to turning it into a lecture/criticism of her. For instance, if Akarsha were to come up in conversation, they’d go “Akarsha is so outgoing! You should try being more like that”. 

Obviously her parents mean well and think they’re doing their jobs as parents, but the little stuff adds up and contributes to her social anxiety (on top of Diya already being hard of hearing). Diya constantly worries about embarrassing herself in front of people/being seen as weird because her parents make it sound like she’s almost always doing something wrong. I actually teared up a bit typing this bc I relate too hard LMAO Because of this Diya doesn’t say much to them, so a lot of their car rides and meals together are in almost complete silence. A car ride with Diya’s mom was actually in an early draft of the game, but was cut because despite being enlightening re: Diya’s personality, it was really boring

Her parents do have some good traits, though! Despite being homophobic, they’re relatively progressive (for asian parents) on gender roles. They support her interests -- seeing how much Diya loves sports, they’ve always let her participate even when they’re more male-dominated ones like baseball. As long as Diya keeps her grades up and doesn’t cut her hair short like Min, they pretty much let her do what she wants. They’re open-minded enough that they will change their minds on things, given enough time.

Akarsha’s parents are big weirdos just like her. Her dad especially has a real sense of humor and is always saying things like “I’m a genius...I have a great idea for an invention. [horrible bad idea invention here, like a phone that gives an electric shock to telemarketers]“ For the most part they get along. 

Her parents really pressure her to know what kind of career she’ll pursue, though. Akarsha feels really lost about it, like she doesn’t have things together like she should. They also often brag to other parents that she’s so smart/successful, so Akarsha worries she’s not actually smart after all and will end up as a failure 

Noelle can speak Mandarin, she had to attend Chinese school every Saturday for several years. The writing system infuriates her because it’s so inefficient 

Akarsha is only fluent in English. Her parents were worried about her fitting in as a kid and mostly spoke to her in English. By the time they realized this was a mistake it was too late. She knows a bit of Spanish from classes at school

I like this question so I’m publishing it  Noelle (as seen in the game) recognizes that she’s sick, takes cold medication, but then tries to power through school until she physically can’t. She normally wears a surgical mask to prevent contaminating others, but I couldn’t put it in the game because blocking the lower half of her face made her look less expressive 

When Diya feels even slightly sick she immediately tries to sleep it off. And when she really is sick she sleeps all day. She heard once that sleeping is good when you’re sick and really took it to heart.  

Min drinks one glass of orange juice, is convinced it cured her, and insists that she’s not that sick. She doesn’t cover her mouth when she coughs/sneezes...my terrible snotty child

Akarsha acts like she is on her deathbed and tries to milk it for sympathy/excuses for what she’s done. She blows her nose with a loud honking noise and looks as pitiful as possible. 

Liz is trans! 

Yep, but she doesn’t know it yet! She still thinks she’s straight by default...my silly child...

I haven’t decided for sure yet, but I’m thinking about properly revealing their names in the sequel

I had a ton of trouble naming it! Its working title was Queen of Diamonds. I liked it for the puns (diamond/diyamin, etc.), but had to change it because

The tag was already filled with random stuff like Marina and the Diamonds

It was really easy to get wrong, like people would misremember it as “Queen of Hearts”, “Queen of Diamond”, etc.

It made it sound like Diya and Min were more important than Noelle and Akarsha

After realizing I had to change it, I went through this crisis where I couldn’t think of any good names. I’m glad I finally did settle on Butterfly Soup, though -- it’s a bit weird and gross, but I think it fits

I took most of the photos myself, but a few of them are stock photos. 

Yes, the background used was from the Great Mall! 

It’s been really entertaining seeing people who went to my high school having an out of body experience playing my game

Good...

tbh I don’t think she would, double denim doesn’t seem like her aesthetic

Her windbreaker is based on this, but I’ve never been able to find a site that sells them. I think they’ve all been discontinued for a long time now :( 

Yeah, there are many...While I think it does capture the cringey memey feeling of high school well, I’ll probably put fewer direct memes in the sequel 

[omgkatsudonplease]

*KICKS DOWN DOOR* ROMAN HOLIDAY AU

HOLD MY BEER WRATH -CRACKS KNUCKLES-

His Imperial Highness Crown Prince Yuuri Katsuki of Japan is floating.

He’s not sure exactly what Minako had put into his tea. His housekeeper (minder, Yuuri thinks vaguely) had sworn it was a tonic for his nerves, but it tastes like alcohol and it burns through him like alcohol, and maybe he’d wrested an entire bottle of whiskey from her because there is a Jack Daniels bottle discarded at the foot of his bed. And at some point he’d given up on a teacup.

He wants out of this stuffy hotel room, wants to drink in the night lights of the city below. His Eastern European diplomatic tour had taken him from Moscow to Saint Petersburg, and from there he’d eventually go on to the Ukraine, Romania, Bulgaria, and a list of other countries and cities that he can’t be arsed to remember right now. It’d been nothing but meetings and greetings, hand-shaking and ribbon cutting and baby kissing until his lips felt chapped and his fingers ached. The only time he’s had to himself were the ten-minute respites driving from location A to location B, and these lonely nights in penthouse suites of fancy hotels in the heart of cities he was never meant to explore as an ordinary person.

His penthouse suite has access to the roof. Yuuri stumbles along, telling the bodyguards that he needs some air. He can hear them following at a distance, though, as he climbs the stairwell up to the roof of this grand hotel.

Out on the roof, Saint Petersburg spreads out below him, a brisk sea breeze blowing wildly as he breathes in the night air. His hair stirs in the wind; it’s getting a bit long, but he hasn’t had the heart to cut it in a while. Below him the bright glow of streetlights accentuate the cars speeding along the streets, accompanied by buses and trams. Yuuri longs to be one of those people on the streets, driving the cars, sitting on the trams. Ordinary, easily lost in a crowd.

Instead, he shivers in his t-shirt and sweats, his hands gripping at the railing of the roof as he looks out at the distant green-blue dome of a cathedral lit in the night, and all the surrounding elegant buildings that feel like bars in an elegant gilded cage. He needs just a day off. One day without people shepherding him into place and speeches about ‘peace and prosperity’ and ‘fostering good relations between Japan and Russia’. He has lunch with President Baranovskaya tomorrow, a tour of the new Mitsubishi plant on the outskirts of the city, a meet and greet with the press corps. And yet just the thought of each of these things makes him want to scream.

He sways slightly on his feet, and then he notices the staff stairwell on the other side of the roof, and he has an idea.

Viktor Nikiforov is late on his story for the History Maker gossip tabloid, and based on the near-emptiness of his bottle of vodka, he knows that fairly well.

The problem is, this is his only bottle and it’s not nearly enough. So he puts on a light coat, nearly tripping over the slumbering form of his poodle Makkachin on his way out his apartment.

Just down to the corner store for another bottle. Not even a big bottle. He just needs to be the right amount of buzzed for this article to get out of him. Never mind the fact that when he started out in journalism he hadn’t needed to drink to do his damn job.

(Never mind the fact that when he started out, he had been writing for publications of actual repute. But that’s neither here nor there.)

Once he reaches the bottom landing, however, just nipping down for a bottle and then returning to his apartment of solitude suddenly feels like a terrible idea. With the sudden urge to take a walk along the embankment of the Fontana burning brightly in his mind, he rushes back up to his flat to wake his poodle, clipping on Makkachin’s leash and leading him out the door.

Makkachin’s tail wags cheerily as they head out into the brisk city night. There are no stars visible out here, but Viktor pretends that they are wheeling overhead as the two of them make their way through familiar cobblestoned streets. He’s content to let his dog do most of the leading, and Makkachin is just as eager to wander down trails of interesting new scents.

Their joint meandering takes them to the front steps of the local church with its spires and domes topped in gold. There’s a man in the park out in front, fingers scrabbling against one of the benches as he sways, humming a tune to himself. Viktor pulls at Makkachin’s leash, trying to lead him away, but the man’s face breaks out into a wide grin at the sight of the poodle. And Makkachin has always been a sucker for friendly-looking strangers and the prospect of pets.

“Your dog is adorable,” simpers the stranger with a giggle. “Can I pet him?”

Viktor nods, since Makkachin is already upon the stranger anyway, licking him all over. The stranger doesn’t seem to mind; his hands come up, fingers curling in Makkachin’s fur with a giggle. “His name’s Makkachin. He’s a standard.”

“I have a toy poodle,” says the man. “He’s back… back.” He gestures vaguely in a direction Viktor’s not quite sure of. “Home,” he finishes. His English has a soft American twang to it. Viktor likes it.

(He then stops that train of thought, because surely it must be weird to think that some random drunken stranger one stumbles upon in a park in Saint Petersburg while walking one’s dog is cute with a cute voice.)

(The man is still very cute, though.)

“I’m Viktor,” Viktor offers. “And you seem like you need help getting home.”

“No,” says the man vehemently. “Don’t wanna. I live here now.”

“Here? At Vladimirskaya Church?” Viktor’s eyebrows arch. “I doubt it.”

“Don’t wanna go home,” repeats the man, punctuating it with a giggle and a determined rub along Makkachin’s back. “Not tonight.”

“Well, I can’t just leave you out here,” says Viktor. “The police will come fetch you. You wouldn’t want to spend the night at the police station, I assure you.”

“I’ll come with you, then,” says the man, grinning.

Viktor’s first instinct is to refuse. He’d just met this guy, after all. Number one on the ‘list of things not to do in order to stay alive’ would definitely be ‘let a stranger into your house’. And yet there’s something in this man’s expression that makes Viktor’s resolve crumble like a deck of cards.

Really doesn’t hurt that the man is adorable. It’s a bad idea to think of him that way, yet it’s an irrefutable fact. This man is clad in sweatpants and a loose tan jacket over a black t-shirt, a light blue scarf lightly draped around his shoulders. His shock of messy black hair is barely contained by a cat-eared beanie, and he has blue-rimmed glasses sliding down his nose. And he is adorable.

“Well, my mama always told me not to let strangers into my house,” Viktor says, “so you should tell me your name, so we’re not strangers anymore.”

“I’m Yuuri,” says the man, drunkenly shaking Viktor’s hand.

Viktor makes sure he makes it all the way to his apartment.

In the morning, Viktor wakes up to the blinding light of the morning sun in his face. He stretches, and yelps in pain when his head collides with the arm of his sofa.

Frowning a little, he swings himself up into a sitting position on his sofa, wondering how he’d ended up here when he clearly knew better from other drunken nights that his couch is the worst place to sleep on. And then he notices an unfamiliar coat discarded in the hallway, and suddenly everything comes rushing back.

Yuuri.

Yuuri had discarded that coat. And that scarf. He’d stumbled, like a newborn giraffe trying to do ballet, into Viktor’s arms just short of the bedroom, and Viktor had to carry him to the bed and tuck him in with an aspirin and a glass of water.

That’s why he’s on the couch.

“Shit.” Viktor scrubs at his face before clambering to his feet and padding down the hallway to his room. The door is closed; so he slides it open a peep. Makkachin immediately comes out, panting for his breakfast. Viktor sighs, and pokes his head in.

Yuuri is asleep still, lashes long against his pale cheeks. Viktor feels his heart seize a little in his chest at the sight, which is all he needs to close the door and beat a hasty retreat to the kitchen to fill Makkcahin’s bowls and start breakfast.

He’s halfway through making toast and eggs when his phone pings with a message from his editor, Yakov. He nearly drops his phone when he reads it:

The press conference with HIH Crown Prince Katsuki is cancelled due to his sudden and unexplained illness.

It’s followed by a picture of the Crown Prince. And Viktor would recognise those eyes anywhere.

Those are the same eyes belonging to the man currently sleeping in his bedroom.

(He had no idea Crown Prince Katsuki usually wore glasses.)

Viktor’s throat is dry; his hands are shaking. At this rate he’s going to burn breakfast. He quickly scrambles to plate the food, rushing everything to the counter just as Yuuri Katsuki (Crown Prince of Japan) comes shuffling into the room, rubbing at his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” says Yuuri after a moment. “But where am I?”

Viktor sets down the spatula and frying pan into the sink, and then slowly turns around to face him. “How much of last night do you remember, Yuuri?” he asks.

The man startles a little, as if he’d expected Viktor to call him something else. But then his cheeks flush pink. “I didn’t… do anything untoward, did I?” he asks.

Untoward. Viktor’s insides are squirming with glee at how adorable this man is. “No, you were just insistent on not going home,” he says. “Makkachin and I took you back here, to my place. I took the couch.”

“Makkachin,” says Yuuri, and then the poodle insinuates himself by Yuuri’s knee as a reminder. The prince chuckles at that, reaching down to pet the poodle. “A standard. How cute! I have a toy poodle back… at home.”

Viktor nods. “You told me that last night,” he says.

“Oh.” Yuuri bites at his lip. “Well. Um. Sorry. For that, and for imposing. I won’t be troubling you for much longer. I need to return –”

“Home?” asks Viktor. “You seemed pretty adamant about not returning last night. But then I guess you were drunk, so…”

“Yeah. I…” Yuuri trails off. “What time is it? And what was your name again?”

“Viktor,” says Viktor. “Viktor Nikiforov. And it’s actually ten.”

Yuuri freezes. “What.”

“Yeah.” Viktor nods.

Yuuri stumbles onto one of the chairs at the counter, putting his head in his hands. “Can I… borrow your phone? I need to make a call.”

Viktor nods, handing over his phone and opening it to the keypad. He then turns on the TV, just in time to catch a broadcast about the unexpected illness that had struck the Crown Prince of Japan, and how he had cancelled his lunch with President Baranovskaya.

Yuuri freezes with his fingers on the dial key, turning around to see his own face splashed across the news.

“What… happened to that guy?” he asks, gesturing to his own photo as if pretending he just bore an uncanny resemblance to the ‘sick’ prince. “I don’t speak Russian, so…”

Viktor hides a smile. “He’s sick,” he replies. “They’ve cancelled all of his public events today.”

Yuuri nods then, chewing at his lower lip. “I see,” he says quietly. He then sets down the phone and picks up his fork, raising an eyebrow at the plate of toast and eggs.

“Help yourself,” says Viktor. “Do you want tea, too?”

Yuuri nods. Viktor puts the kettle on, then, and it boils in moments. He serves up two cups of tea, then, and Yuuri gratefully takes his with a cube of sugar and a tiny dash of milk.

Viktor then takes his phone, firing off a message to his photographer friend Chris to ask him to stop by. He then sends another to Yakov about getting an exclusive interview with the Crown Prince, before going over to sit beside Yuuri with his own fork.

“So, what brings you here to Saint Petersburg, Yuuri?” he asks.

Yuuri fidgets with his fork a little. “Work,” he says vaguely.

“What sort of work?” asks Viktor.

“Family business,” mumbles Yuuri.

Viktor smiles. “No time for sightseeing?” he wonders.

Yuuri ponders it for a moment. “Well,” he says, “I think my schedule might have just freed up.”

Viktor’s smile broadens. He gets a message from Yakov at that moment: Everyone says they’re going to get an exclusive interview with the Prince. Try again.

He frowns as he replies. No, I mean a really exclusive interview. The Prince as a person, not a crown. I bet other people would kill for a story like that.

Yakov’s answer is almot instantaneous. Can you guarantee this interview?

Viktor looks over at Yuuri, who has raised an inquisitive eyebrow at him. “Work,” he answers.

“What sort of work?” asks Yuuri, a little smile twitching at his lips.

Viktor chuckles. “Boring work,” he replies. “And I just freed up my day, too. So if you want to go sightseeing, we could definitely do that.”

Yuuri’s eyes sparkle, and Viktor’s heart skips a beat. “I’d like that,” agrees the Prince almost eagerly. He sounds so earnest, so trusting, so determined to make the most of his situation. Viktor can feel his gut twisting at the question burning into his phone, and it takes all he can to make his smile reach his eyes.

“Then let’s finish up breakfast and get ready,” he says cheerily, and when Yuuri nods and tucks back into his eggs, he fires off the answer:

I’ll have it on your desk in the morning.

(basically viktor used to do investigative journalism for another magazine/newspaper higher up in the pecking order, but after a scandal or a lawsuit he loses that job and now works at a tabloid. he sees this interview as his chance to regain his reputation. but as the day progresses, he falls more and more in love with yuuri, and realises he can’t sell this story.

chris is his photographer buddy who gets roped in, and also goes along with not selling the story when he realises how much viktor and yuuri love each other.

yuuri, in the meantime, has actually loved viktor’s earlier work for journalists without borders and so when he realises that viktor is actually a journalist he’s caught between awe at having met an idol of his and dismay that viktor was probably spending time with him to write a story on him. but then viktor convinces him otherwise by not selling his story to the tabloid after all.

they part ways but they also stay in touch and viktor gets a job at a better publication with a branch in japan…. and then they become an item and it’s like the biggest news ever 😉 also ofc there’s an army of bodyguards that get completely beat up at a dance 😉)

[poppygilmore]

my type

Poppy & Harrison - Party/Pub

Harrison looked around the room as he poured himself a beer from the keg. Nodding a greeting to the few faces he recognized, his eyebrows raised when he noticed a certain girl standing by the wall. He also noticed the lack of a drink in her hand so he took it upon himself to pour a second cup of beer, holding the two red solo cups as he approached Poppy with a questioning smile, “Didn’t think you were the party type. Want a beer? I’ve got extra.” Poppy was always a wallflower at things like this. Smaller parties where she knew everyone was always more comfortable of a situation. But moving to a new place with a very small pool of people to call, she knew she had to put herself out there. Yet…she still stood against this wall, trying to find a way to mingle. Poppy bit her lower lip and raised her eyebrows at Harrison as he approached, “I’m usually not. This isn’t my scene quite frankly but here I am.” She tilted her head to the side and laughs, “Maybe. Can I trust you?” Harrison “Here you are..” He nodded with a small smile but scoffed at her question and held one of the cups out to her, “You can’t and shouldn’t trust me in basically any situation except for right now. The beer is crappy but it’s safe, scout’s honor. I’ll take sips from both cups if that’ll ease your mind but then again, cooties. Am I right?” Poppy hums softly as she stares at him skeptically before nodding her head and taking the cup. She takes a long sip, “You talk a lot.” Poppy laughs and leans back against the wall again, “So your scene doesn’t seem much like mine. Hanging out away from the crowd.” Harrison holds his cup up with a grin and takes a sip with her before shrugging as he looks around at some of the people in the room, “Eh, this isn’t really my kind of crowd anyway. I’m pretty sure I only know a few people here including you. But if that’s your subtle way of telling me to fuck off..” He lets his voice trail off as he raises his eyebrows slightly. Poppy shakes her head quickly as she takes another sip, “No! I wasn’t..uh..no I wasn’t telling you to fuck off. You’re not that much of a prick.” She smiles and shrugs a little bit, “What’s your crowd?” Harrison smiles a little, looking down as he sips his beer. At her question, he scrunches up his nose and shrugs, laughing a little as he answers, “I’ll let you know when I find it.” He stares at her curiously, not believing that she would show up to a party by herself, “Did you come here alone?” Poppy lets out a soft embarrassed laugh, “Well..yeah.” She looks down and feels her cheeks heat up, “I got here a little while ago. Charlie said he may show but..haven’t seen him.” Harrison furrows his eyebrows at the mention of Charlie and scratches the back of his head as he speaks, “He and Indie were over having drinks with Cole and Amelia when I left. Not sure they were planning on leaving that little party any time soon. But hey, they might show up later, who knows.” Poppy wrinkles her nose a slightly as she looks down at her beer before drinking more of it. “Oh..well, at least you are here. Somewhat of a familiar face. Not sure still how trusting that face is but…” She smiles with a shrug and looks back up at him, “Did you come alone?” Harrison flashes her a cheesy smile at the trustworthy comment and laughs a little before nodding in response, “Yeah, I did. Cole and Amelia told me about it and I didn’t have anything better to do so.” He shrugs and takes another sip of his beer before nodding to the other room, “Wanna take a lap? See if we can find anyone we know?” Poppy listens to him and nods her head, “So we both are the strange ones who showed up alone.” She smirks a little to herself before nodding her head, looking around the party, “Sure. Highly doubtful that I’ll fine anyone I know since it’s limited to one hand but..let’s go.” Poppy stands up straight and surprisingly starts to lead him into the bigger crowd of the party. Harrison “It looks like it, yeah.” He smiles at her and goes to take the lead but pulls back once he notices her step in front of him. Amused, he chuckles to himself and follows Poppy into the more open area of the house where the music playing gets louder. Staying behind Poppy slightly, he bites his lip to try not to laugh at the incredibly drunk people dancing in the room but nudges her arm slightly to make her see them as well, “Can that even be considered dancing? Or am I that out of touch with the cool new moves?” Poppy walks through the people and subtly keeps checking back that he hasn’t ditched her, hardly paying attention to any of the drunks until she felt his arm against her own. She glances in the direction he was looking before giggling, “Wow, they are pissed. That can’t be considered cool in any way.” Poppy shook her head and glanced at Harrison before narrowing her eyebrows, “Unless we are both uncool. Which thus far, I’m inclined to believe.” Harrison laughs with her and opens his mouth to protest before shrugging, “I mean, if that’s cool, then I don’t want anything to do with it.” He drinks the last of his beer and sets it down on a shelf within reach before turning back to Poppy, “See anyone familiar? Fuck, there’s a lot of people here, hey?” He furrows his brows as he tries to find someone else he knows, but when he spots a guy he recognizes, he glances at Poppy and bites his lip, not wanting to leave her alone for some reason. Avoiding eye contact with the other guy, he turns away from the people dancing and waits for Poppy to be ready to move on. Poppy hums and nods her head, “Well..fair enough.” She sipped her drink and looked around a bit before shaking her head, “Nope.” Poppy bites her lower lip and smiles before moving towards the kitchen of the house, “God..it was too crowded in there. Did you see anyone?” Harrison follows her into the kitchen and finds an empty space of the counter to lean against as he stands next to her, shrugging his shoulders, “No one I felt like talking to. It looks like you’re stuck with me for the time being.” He chuckles a little and taps his fingers against the counter, turning to her once more, “So what’s up with you, though? It’s been awhile since I last saw you. You working anywhere?” Poppy leaned next to him and finishes her beer, “Well, suppose I am.” She smiles a little and looks around the kitchen where others were gathering and talking as well. The girl inwardly sighed and shook her head, “I’m alright. Just getting used to this place. I started working as a waitress at the club. Charlie got me a job for now. I’m going to school in the fall.” Harrison half smiles as he listens to her and nods, “You don’t strike me as the waitress type but hey, a job’s a job.” At the mention of school, his eyes light up a little and he grins, “What are you taking? I’m actually going to be helping out a prof with marking papers while taking classes, too.” Poppy laughs softly, leaning her head back a little, “I hate it. But I need to make money somehow. Indie said something like maybe I could help at her studio too on weekends if I needed some extra cash but it wouldn’t pay much.” She raises her eyebrows at him and smiles at his reaction, “Um..I’m a psych major. Well for now. So mostly related to those. But also English and some kind of boring math class.” Harrison hums along as he listens intently but casually looks around the room. When he notices Poppy smile from the corner of his eye, he smiles back at her and nods, “That doesn’t surprise me. I was going to guess you were an English student. As for me, I’m gonna be taking some business courses. It’s part of uh, my sort of punishment, I guess. Mom shipped me off to live with Cole and part of the deal was I have to go back to school.” He rolls his eyes but smirks a little as he leans in closer to whisper to her, “But between you and me, I actually enjoy going to school. It’s just the whole assignments and tests part that blows.” Poppy laughs a little and nods her head, “I do love English. I don’t need this class but I enjoy literature.” Poppy smiled and raised her eyebrows as he leaned into close, “That actually does surprise me a bit.” With a small giggle she pushed him back slightly, “Can we get another drink?” Harrison grins at her and starts to laugh as she pushes him away gently, nodding at her request, “Yes, ma'am.” He laughs as he starts to lead her back towards the keg, instinctively grabbing hold of her wrist to not lose her in the crowd. Once they reach the keg he lets go of her and raises his eyebrows, “What’s your favorite book? If you enjoy literature, you’ve got to have a number one.” Poppy smirks a little to herself as she follows behind him. Her eyebrows raised just barely as she glanced down at his hand on her wrist and smiled until they stopped at the keg. Poppy stays close to him and feels her cheeks heat up at his question, “I’m a bit of a cliche…Wuthering Heights.” She laughs and wrinkles her nose a bit, “I know, I know. I’m such a girl.” Harrison grabs a couple of empty cups and starts to fill them as he speaks, “Ah, Bronte, makes sense. And hey, no judgement over here. I read it a few years ago. Not the best in my opinion but I can see the hype.” He grins a little as he passes a filled cup to her and sips from his own before motioning for Poppy to follow him into the hallway where it’s a little quieter, “Now if we’re talking classic gothic novels, I’d pick Frankenstein any day. Victor’s such a moody teen, it’s almost a comedic novel.” Poppy crosses her arms as she listens to him in surprise. She takes the the cup and stares at him with a bit of confusion. Finally she laughs as she follows him into the hallway, “I know they say don’t judge a book by its cover but I did not expect you to be into literature.” She laughs again and shakes her head, “You’re such a boy. You would prefer that. I mean there’s nothing wrong with Frankenstein. It did bring Sci Fi into the world but..it wasn’t deep. I didn’t get anything out of it.” Poppy shrugged and sipped her beer. Harrison leans his back against the wall and shrugs, taking a sip of his beer, “Yeah, well, I like to read, it passes the time.” He laughs, amused that his interest in literature surprised her. As he watches her shrug, he nods and holds his cup up in defeat, “Hey, we agree to disagree.” Poppy leans against the wall across from him and hums as she stares back at him, “You’re an intriguing person.” She sips her drink and watches him, “What kind of business are you studying?” Harrison bends his knee to rest his foot back against the wall and smirks at her, “I keep trying to tell people, they just don’t believe me.” He chuckles and takes another sip of his drink before answering her, “Right now I’m just taking general business courses until I find an area I really want to focus on. Still in the early stages of my degree so I’m not in any rush.” Poppy watches him with curiousity before looking down at her cup as she shifts a little at his smirk. The girl sipped her drink again before looking back up at him, “Why business?” She taps her fingers against the cup and raises her brows, “I mean clearly you like literature but I highly doubt that’s your only interest.” Harrison folds his arms over his chest as he pauses to think then shrugs one shoulder, “It’s the practical thing to do, which isn’t really my style. But like I said, part of the deal I made before coming here. If it were up to me, I’d probably try to go for a master’s in English and become a professor or something. But apparently I don’t have the "work ethic” for something like that.“ He rolls his eyes and abruptly takes a long sip from his beer with his eyebrows furrowed, wondering why he’s being so open with Poppy. Nodding to her, he tries to turn the conversation back on her, "What about you, though? What are you planning to do with Psych?” Poppy raised her eyebrows a little bit and opens her mouth to speak until he cuts her off slightly with his long sip. She shrugs a little bit and runs her nail over the brim of her cup, “Honestly..I don’t know. I may even change my major after a semester. But I’ve always been one to get the people around me all sorted out. I’ve always been the listener and I think it’s interesting. Psychology..the mind. I don’t know.. it may be a naive of me though.” Harrison watches her for a moment then shakes his head, “Don’t doubt yourself like that. I mean, yeah changing your mind might happen and that’s fine. And I know I don’t know you all that much but what you’re saying makes sense, I can already see you in a psychologist type position.” Poppy bites he lip for a moment before smiling with a nod, “I appreciate that.” She takes a long sip of the beer before shrugging a bit, “America is strange anyways. Not really sure how this whole university works. It’s very different here.” Poppy laughs and leans her head against the wall. “Everything is. Including parties.” She nods to the crowded rest of the house. Harrison raises his eyebrows at her words and laughs with a shake of his head, “Oh yeah? Alright Great Britain, what are parties like back home?” Poppy laughs as her eyes close for a moment then looks up at him with a tiny smirk, “Smaller..” She takes a step closer to him and sips her drink as she lowers her voice, “Wilder.” Harrison stares at her in disbelief for a quick second then clear his throat lightly, laughing it off, “So, were you a frequent guest at these smaller, wilder parties?” Poppy grins at his reaction before patting his shoulder with a shrug, “Perhaps.” She tilts her head to the side with a giggle. “What do you think?” Harrison finishes his beer and holds his hands up innocently with a grin, “I think.. that you are not at all the person I thought you were.” Poppy laughs and finishes her own beer, knocking the cup against his before moving to lean back against the wall again, “Good answer.” She shrugs a little bit with a laugh, “I believe in never underestimating anyone. You never know what’s in someone’s closet.” Poppy smiled again and tapped the rim of her cup, “But really though, this isn’t the best party..minus taking to you and kind of thinking of heading somewhere else. Do you wanna come with?” Poppy bites her lip with a small smile. Harrison is seriously caught off guard by her but plays it cool, pretending to think it over as he glances at either side of them before shrugging with a smirk, “Eh, sure. Why not? I don’t think it’s going to get any better here. Where to?” He smiles at her curiously and starts to follow her through the house. Poppy smiles with a curt nod before finding a place to put her cup, shrugging a bit as she leads him through the crowded house and out to the front yard, “Uh..not sure yet really. I’ve only been a few places.” She looks up at the stars and then points to them, “Do you know a good place to look at those?” Harrison hums once they’re outside as he tries to think, narrowing his eyes slightly as he looks up at the sky, “Look at what? The tops of trees or the stars? Because I know tons of places with trees..” He speaks teasingly and laughs as he motions for her to follow him on the sidewalk, “Why don’t we just start walking and see where we end up? Maybe we’ll find a place along the way.” Poppy sticks her hands into the pockets of her jacket and nods her head, “The stars but yeah, let’s walk.” Poppy follows after him and smiles, “It’s actually a beautiful night. I feel like most nights here are though.” Harrison aimlessly kicks a rock on the sidewalk as he falls into step beside her and nods, sighing contently, “I actually like it better at night. Almost like it’s a completely different town, you know?” Poppy looks up at him with a hum before glancing ahead again. Her head nods a bit and smiles, “I do understand.” She laughs softly, “Do you write?” Harrison raises his eyebrows as he gives her an amused look then chuckles a little, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans, “Uh, yeah. A little. I’m not any good but sometimes I’ll get an idea and just, write. What about you?” Poppy laughs and looks back at him again, “Not really. But you seem profound like you write or something.” She grins and nudges her elbow against his. Harrison wrinkles his nose with a slight shake of his head, nudging her elbow back with a smirk, “Profound is a word I have literally never heard as used to describe me. Punk, delinquent, dumbass, are usually more like it.” Poppy grins up at him again and giggles before looking up at the stars, “I’m not quite so sure about those words yet. Yet that is. We hardly know each other yet.” With a shrug, she hums a soft tune, “Do you think those words actually describe you?” Harrison looks down at the same time she looks up and smiles to himself, listening to her hum. After a moment, he shrugs one shoulder, “I mean, they do at times, I guess. Not really words I would use for myself but then again, I don’t know how I would describe myself anyway.” Poppy turns around and walks backwards with a grin, “There has to be some way you’ve thought of yourself. In a positive way.” She smiles and points to herself, “Psych major..great listener..huge mystery?” Harrison shakes his head with a chuckle as he watches her and flashes her a goofy grin as he copies her, pointing to himself, “Fine.. Misunderstood, creative… uh, and observant. Positive enough for you?” Poppy grins with a nod, “Absolutely. Intriguing actually.” She laughs and shrugs, “However, my words weren’t how I think myself. That’s how others describe me. Besides I hardly think three words can explain the complexities of one person.” Harrison runs a hand through his hair and smiles at her, “And you, Poppy Gilmore, are an incredibly complex person. That’s something I’m starting to see.” Poppy shrugs one shoulder and nods her head, “You are certainly right about that one, Harrison Black.” She turns her head and looks where they are walking, “The park?” Harrison looks up ahead of them finally and lets out a surprised laugh as he nods, “Yep, the park. That was my plan all along.. Definitely.” Poppy turns to look straight ahead and laughs, “Yeah it really seems like it you planned it.” She grabs his wrist and starts to lead him towards the swings on the other side of the park. Harrison arches an eyebrow as he glances down at his wrist but doesn’t say anything, laughing as they approach the swings. “Shit, I can’t remember the last time I was on a swing set. I say I can’t remember because I’m sure it’s happened on a drunken occasion.” Poppy lets go of him as they get to the swings, “That sounds like a disaster.” She sits down on the swing and smiles, nodding to the one next to her, “Give it a shot. See how it feels not being pissed drunk a swing.” Harrison moves his hands back into his pockets as he stands in front of her with a slight shake of his head and a grin, “Ehh, I don’t know. What if the magic of swinging is gone? Nah, I think I should just push you instead. Give you some extra momentum.” Poppy narrows her eyes slightly at him, “Get on the swing.” She looked down and kicked her legs a little, “I’m wearing a dress, going high is not an option right now. I’m not having a drunken occasion.” Poppy swung low a little, “Besides as a maybe future therapist or something, I can say swinging solves any and all issues.” Harrison rolls his eyes playfully at her and waves her off as he slowly moves towards the swing next to her, “Uh huh, whatever. Just because you’re studying psychology doesn’t mean you’re right about everything. You know that, right?” Poppy laughs with a shrug as she leans her head against the swing chain and smiled over at him, “Perhaps you’re right. But..swinging is fun. I know I’m right about that.” Poppy hummed and waved him off like he did to her and started to swing again. Harrison reluctantly sits on the swing and makes a face before chuckling as he slowly starts to swing, “Jury’s still out on that one. What will be fun is swinging higher than you because I’m smart and didn’t wear a dress today.” Poppy giggles and swings a little higher as she looks over at him, “Well now that you are next to me I can swing as high as I want.” She kicks her legs a little more and looks straight ahead. Harrison scoffs and pumps his legs harder to catch up with her, letting out a little laugh, “Damn, you play dirty don’t you?” Poppy laughs and leans back a bit on the swing, “Only sometimes. But you’ll still probably get higher. I’m never been very competitive.” She grins and looks over at him. Harrison pushes his legs out more and whoops in triumph once he passes higher than her, laughing, “Good because I am and I’m so winning right now.” Poppy giggles as she watches him and tries to kick a little higher but can’t reach his height, “Don’t worry, I’m just stroking your ego a bit. I wouldn’t want to make you cry in defeat.” Harrison chuckles with a shake of his head as he keeps swinging, glancing over at her, “Suuuure you are. What’s the weather like down there, hm?” Poppy narrows her eyes a bit at him as she tries to swing a little higher, “You’re a prat. My legs aren’t that long!” She laughs and moves her arms in front of her then jumps out of the seat, quickly pulling her dress down as she lands. Harrison lets out a loud laugh and exclaims, “I’m a what now?!” He keeps laughing as he watches her land and starts to ease up on the intensity of his swinging, slowing down and eventually digging his feet into the ground to stop completely. Poppy giggles and moves over to him as he stops. She puts her hands on the chains of the swing above him, “A prat.” Poppy grins and raises her eyebrows down at him. “Or an idiot if you prefer the American term.” Harrison leans back just a bit as she stands in front of him and smirks, shaking his head, “I would prefer champion swinger, actually.” Poppy hums and shakes her head, pushing on the chains a little before, “I am not calling you that.” She grins and nods behind her, “Maybe you’re champion swinger but I might be faster at climbing up to that slide.” Harrison raises his eyebrows at her words, “Oh really?” He gently shoves her to the side and out of his way as he gets up from the swing and makes a break for the slide. Poppy feels her jaw drop in surprise as he runs past her. She quickly gets her bearings together and starts to run after him, kicking off her shoes to run faster. Poppy giggles and shakes her head, “You’re a cheater!” She shouts as she starts to climb from an opposite side on the playground. Harrison laughs loudly as he reaches the playground and starts climbing up the slide, glancing over at her, “I never said I play fair either!” Poppy lets giggles slip out as she reaches the slide just after him and starts to climb after him, “You’re trouble, Harrison Black!” She grins as she reaches the top just after him. Harrison stands at the top of the slide with his hands on his hips, laughing, “You mean "fun”, right?“ Poppy wrinkles her nose slightly before standing with a laugh, "Trouble..fun..same thing.” She pokes his chest gently, “But mostly you’re a cheat!” Harrison gives her an amused look and chuckles as he pokes her shoulder back, “At the risk of sounding like an eight year old.. Am not!” Poppy giggles softly and leans up on her toes before narrowing her eyes at him before hugging and standing back, “Can’t keep it up. I’m not mad at all.” Harrison rolls his eyes playfully before narrowing them at her with a shake of his head, “Who even are you?” Poppy raises her eyebrows with a small laugh. She leans back a bit and holds her hand out to him, “Thought you knew this but I’m Poppy Gilmore. It’s lovely to meet you.” The girl grins a bit and stifles a laugh. Harrison snorts with a laugh and shakes her hand firmly before letting go and laughing a little more, “The Poppy Gilmore I’m meeting tonight is severely different than the one I met before.” Poppy rolls her eyes and shakes her head a bit. She smiles and leans against the top of the slide, “Or you had some preconceived idea of who I was and never really have gotten to know me.” Poppy clicks her tongue a little and shrugs. Harrison shoves his hands in his pockets with a chuckle as he raises his eyebrows, nodding his head as he turns around to make his way towards the bridge of the playstructure, “I don’t know, you gave off a pretty convincing vibe.” Poppy furrows her brows a bit and follows after him. “What does that mean exactly?” She laughed softly and stayed a few steps behind him, “What vibe was i giving off?” Harrison shrugs as he continues to walk but leans his elbows on the railing of the bridge, “I don’t know… The whole, prim and proper Brit. I’ve met Charlie. He’s an ass. I just figured snobbiness or whatever ran in the family.” Poppy stops herself on the edge of the bridge and laughs softly to herself, “Hm..interesting.” She shakes her head a bit, “You are definitely stereotyping us Brits and I’m not quite sure if I should be offended or not.” Harrison glances over at her with a small laugh, “I mean, hey, feel free to stereotype us Americans all you want. I’m sure most of them are right.” Poppy rolls her eyes at him playfully and follows behind him onto the bridge, “There’s too many and you aren’t any of them.” She laughs and shakes her head as she stops behind him, “In fact you remind me of some of my old mates.” Harrison looks back at her with an amused look and chuckles, “So what you’re getting at here is we are destined to be friends?” Poppy shrugs her shoulders as she rocks back and forth to swing the bridge a bit, “I’m not saying that either.” She smiles and tilts her head to the side, “Maybe I don’t need any more friends like them. Besides you just insulted my people.” Poppy playfully puts her hand on her chest and shakes her head. Harrison reaches an arm out across the bridge so he’s holding on to either side as he leans back on his heels, facing her with a laugh, “Oh, come on. You’re tougher than that, Pop. One little assumption about your "people” and that’s it? No more chances?“ Poppy mimics his actions and puts her hands on either side of the bridge. She shrugs playfully and hums, "I suppose I can allow one more chance because it sounds like you fancy me quite a bit.” Poppy smiles as she rocks the bridge a little more. Harrison taps his fingers against the railings of the bridge and raises his eyebrows at her words before chuckling a little, “Damn, you caught me.” With a playful roll of his eyes he grins at her, taking a step towards her as he speaks, “Believe me, if I actually "fancied” you, you would know.“ Poppy feels her cheeks heat up slightly as he moves closer to her. She tilts her head slightly as she looks up at him, "Well..” Poppy clears her throat a little and shrugs, “That’s good to know.” A soft embarrassed laugh left her mouth as she shifts her gaze to the playground for a moment. Harrison tilts his head a little when she does and lets out a laugh as he watches her, rocking back and forth on his heels, “But speaking of fancying, anyone catching your eye around town yet? I don’t mean to brag but I am a pretty great wingman.” Poppy raises her eyebrows curiously as she looks back at him, shaking her head. “No, definitely not. Most guys I’ve met haven’t shown much promise. My standards can be a bit high sometimes.” Poppy nods to him, “What about you? Any girls for you?” She smirks and shrugs, “Can’t promise I’m any kind of wing woman but..” Harrison nods as he listens with a small smirk then shrugs as he lets go of the bridge, crossing his arms over his chest with a soft sigh, “I mean, I sort of have a thing for this one girl but I know she’s not interested.” He nods to her with a chuckle, “Well, you’ve thrown me a few curveballs tonight so I’d say you’re probably a better wingwoman than you think.” Poppy turns and leans against the side of the bridge, looking out into the playground as she listens to him, “Are you going to tell me who it is if I ask?” She quirks her eyebrows a little as she glances back at him. Poppy shrugs and laughs a little as she shakes her head, “Maybe. I’ve never had to be one before so I’m not sure.” Harrison wrinkles his nose with a small shrug and makes a face, “Ehh, maybe not just yet.” He looks away from her for a moment as he clears his throat then scratches the back of his head with a smirk, “Then I guess we’re just going to have to test it out. Any idea where the nearest bar or pub is?” Poppy furrows her brows in confusion at his words before shaking her head a little, “Oh no..what did I just get myself into?” Poppy shakes her head and nods back over the bridge, “Down the slide and through the park. I think there’s one a few blocks away by Indie’s studio.” Harrison laughs loudly at her then smiles as he follows his gaze in the direction she nods to, “Sounds good to me. Race you, one two three go.” He speaks quickly and bolts for the slide in a couple of fast strides. Poppy whines loudly as he immediately starts to run before she barely even had time to react. “Again! A cheat!” She yelled as she raced after him, trying to catch up to him with a loud laugh. Harrison lets out a loud laugh and a whoop as he lands on the ground after going down the slide and starts to run over to the other side of the park, glancing back at her with a smirk, “C'mon! I don’t have all day!” Poppy quickly follows him down the slide with a giggle. She hops off the slide and grabs the shoes before skipping a little to catch up with, “You are so mean to me, Harrison Black.” Poppy shakes her head with a breathless laugh, “You don’t even know where you are going!” Harrison stops abruptly once he reaches the end of the park and chuckles, a little out of breath, “You have a point.” Poppy giggles and moves her hand to hold onto his arm to keep herself steady as she slides her shoes back on. “Follow me.” Poppy grins and drops her hand before starting onto the sidewalk towards the nearby bar. “I think this is the billiards room pub.” She slips her arm through his with a hum. Harrison lets her lean on him for balance when putting on her shoes then nods as he follows her lead, glancing down at their arms with an amused smirk, “Oh hey, yeah. I think I’ve been to a place like that around here. Wasn’t very sober at the time, though.” Poppy looks ahead as she walks with him and continues to lead him along the path. “Do you drink a lot?” The brunette raises her eyebrows as she looks up at him. Her free hand raises innocently, “Not judging in the slightest – just curious before I lead you into a pub unknowingly.” Harrison chuckles at her question and shrugs, “Well, I’m definitely not straight edge but uh, I don’t drink as much as you might think. What about you, hm?” Poppy raises her eyebrows slightly before humming and nodding her head, “What does that mean?” The girl laughs softly and tilts her head to the side, “I like drinking but I’ve gotten more used to casually doing so. I don’t need to get wasted. I kind of hate that.” Harrison shakes his head with a short laugh, “It means that I don’t abstain from drinking.” He glances at her and tilts his head to mimic hers with a grin, “We seem to have more in common than I thought. I like getting a good buzz going but I try to avoid getting completely wasted.” Poppy laughs and nods her head as she looks towards the street ahead of her, “Yeah, we sure do have more in common than we though?” She smiles as she hums softly, “Americans and drinking are so strange to me. It’s been legal for me since I was 18 and here it seems like such a taboo.” Harrison half smiles as they cross the street to be on the sidewalk leading up to the pub and he nods, “It’s definitely more strict, but that doesn’t mean underage drinking doesn’t happen all the time. I guess you never needed one of these then, did you?” He reaches into his wallet and smirks as he pulls out his fake I.D., “I still have a year to go until I’m technically legal.” Poppy raises her eyebrows as she watches him pull out the I.D., “Oh no, wow. That looks so real though.” She laughs and shakes her head, “I still have a year too. So you may need to buy me a drink in there. I’ve got a fiver I can give you for it.” Poppy leads him into the pub with a grin. Harrison smiles proudly as she mentions how real the I.D looks before laughing as they walking into the pub and he finds a couple of empty barstools, “If we’re lucky, you won’t be paying for any drinks and I wont’ be buying them for you, either.” Poppy raises her eyebrows at him in curiosity. She follows him and sits next to him, swinging her legs slightly, “What’s that supposed to mean?” Poppy leaned her elbow on the bar and rested her chin on her palm. Harrison shrugs with a small laugh and waves the bartender down before speaking quietly to Poppy, “I mean that hopefully I can convince some other sucker to buy you a drink.” Poppy smiles and drops her arm as she looks up at the bartender, “We’ll see. I mean if you can wing man alright.” The girl grins and raises her eyebrows. Harrison rolls his eyes at her with a smirk and orders himself a beer as he pulls out his I.D then nods towards Poppy, “And something girly and fruity for my friend here.” Poppy raises her eyebrows again at him before shaking her head to the bartender, “I’ll also take a beer. Ignore him. He’s an arse.” Harrison chuckles as he nods to the bartender and rests his elbows on the bar as he looks around slightly, “Hm, pretty slim pickings right now but I’m sure we’ll figure something out.” Poppy looks around the bar as he does and hums before nodding to a few girls over at a pool table, “What about any of them?” Harrison follows her gaze and checks out each of the girls before shrugging and then nodding his head a little, “Eh, the blonde’s pretty cute. Maybe.” Poppy watches him as he checks out the girls and rolls her eyes a bit. She laughs and shakes her head, “Don’t be picky. They may be lovely.” Poppy shrugs and leans back against the bar. Harrison laughs as the bartender comes back with their drinks and he pays for both before taking a sip of his beer and making a face at Poppy, “Brace yourself, it’s really crappy, maybe one step up from the keg at that party.” Poppy raises her eyebrows and giggles before taking a slow sip and makes a little face, “Yeah..not great.” She pulls out her wallet to hand him money for her drink, “Thank you, by the way.” Harrison makes a face and waves her hand off, “Nah, don’t worry about it. I don’t want your money.” Poppy starts to put the money away and smiles, “Are you sure?” She raises her eyebrows and sips more of her beer. Harrison nods before taking another sip of his beer and shrugging, “Yeah, it’s no biggie. So, take a look.. Any suckers in here meet the Poppy standards?” Poppy looks around a bit and shrugs a little. She takes a sip before shaking her head, “It looks like you are the only guy here below the age of 25.” Harrison chuckles as he follows her gaze and notices the same thing, “You’re right but go big or go home, right? And we are not going home yet.” Poppy gives him a look and shakes her head before giggling, “I definitely don’t want to go home. Unfortunately you may not be able to wing man me tonight though. I however, can prove my worth with my darling accent and wait..can you fake one? It always seems to really get the American girls intrigued.” Harrison scoffs and rests his elbows on the counter before speaking in his best British accent, “Oy, does it really grab their attention? I might be able to pull it off.” Poppy wrinkles her nose before giggling, shaking her head, “Okay..it’s not bad, not fantastic either but can you keep that up?” Her eyebrows raise as she taps his shoulder playfully, “I’d like to see you keep up a full conversation with me, mate.” Harrison bites his lip and grins a little before chugging the rest of his beer before nodding and continuing in the British accent, “Surely I can keep it up. But you’ve got to help a bloke out. Give me some Brit terms to help me sound more authentic.” Poppy raises her brows at him before tilting her head to the side, “Well, just don’t over do it with the terms. When people do with fake accents it’s more obvious.” She laughs and shrugs a little, “Say mate sparingly. Mention your jumper instead of sweater. Blinding…arse..hm oh call them fit. It’ll get them absolutely!” Poppy giggles and sips her drink. Harrison chuckles as he listens to her and nods his head, “This is brilliant. And if I find a girl that I like, do I tell her I fancy her?” Poppy giggles and covers her mouth, nodding her head. She drops her hand as her laughs subside, “Absolutely. Just like that.”

[jstevens1015]

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER

Hey! Alright so one of the main reasons I decided to start writing on Tumblr at least semi-regularly was to translate some of the thoughts in my crazy and sporadic mind to a concrete format. Sometimes the thoughts build up so much and I never express them, whether verbally or written, so it can become overwhelming. While I am an English major with a Bachelor’s degree, I still find myself struggling to formulate thoughts and reasoning that make sense to anyone but myself and I am even worse about committing these thoughts to memory or paper so I am going to use this as not only a writing tool but hopefully as a self-improvement tool as well.

With that being said, I’d like to take this opportunity to express some feelings that I’ve been having lately about one of my favorite passions: video games. YO THEY ARE SUPER GREAT. But maybe also super awful at times.

I’ve had a love affair with video games since I was maybe around four or five years old. My dad was a big video game fan when he was my age and carried on this passion throughout early and middle adulthood. He lived through the Atari era so he was basically on the fuckin’ landing grounds of the creation of my favorite past time. I remember him telling me how great games like Pong and Pac-Man were and how he couldn’t believe how far they advance in terms of graphics and capabilities every time there is a new system release. 

The first gaming system I ever had was a Sega Genesis. I have some splendid memories of playing Sonic the Hedgehog, Mutant League Football, Streets of Rage 2 and many more games that I can’t possibly remember all at once. And since I was a young and dumb kid, I even got to experience some of the more obscure titles that most older folks wouldn’t have played at the time. These would especially include licensed movie titles like Power Rangers and Home Alone, among others. While games based on movies often get a bad reputation, I distinctly remember enjoying these two titles particularly because of my ever-growing love of the source material. The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie game was a side-scrolling beat ‘em up very similar to Streets of Rage 2 so that is likely why I enjoyed this title so much. And man was it a shit ton of fun playing Home Alone and setting traps for Harry and Marv to fall into.

Okay. Let’s get back on track. So my dad started my love for gaming by sharing his memories and experiences and by purchasing me a Sega Genesis. Blah blah blah. Flash forward to my teenage years. By this time, I was long past my 8 bit and 16 bit gaming days and was into 3D gaming systems that were far advanced from the good ‘ol Atari or Genesis days. I watched in amazement as my dad marveled again at “how good this shit looks” and forever possessing the “what will they do next” philosophy and mindset.

On a related note, I remember the day that we finally got high speed internet in my household. Although we lived in the country and were only able to obtain speeds of 1mbps, it was like luxury living for people who formerly lived with dial-up internet. The reason why this is worth mentioning is because this now opened up a whole new world for me: the world of online gaming. Boy, did I not have a clue how great and equally terrifying this would be for me. 

As I became older, I became at least slightly more skilled at playing games than when I was younger. However, I could not understand why the people who played games online against me in multiplayer modes were so much better. I struggled with this a lot and, admittedly, it’s a personal problem that I still have. I’m not sure if I have a competitive complex that I don’t like to reason with or if it’s something else but goddamn do I have some gaming-related anger and self-esteem issues. You would’ve likely heard me yelling in frustration in these angst-driven years, screaming phrases such as OH MY GOD THIS GUY HAS KILLED ME TEN TIMES IN A ROW AND I HAVEN’T EVEN LEFT MY RESPAWN AREA. WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS? WHY IS HE CROUCHING UP AND DOWN ABOVE MY CHARACTER’S DEAD BODY?!?!

There is a point I’m going to make. God I’m bad at this. SEE THERE IT IS AGAIN. 

My parents, especially my dad, became very angry that I was angry over a video game. The hobby that he once loved so much had mostly become a thing of the past (besides occasional sports games) so he couldn’t possibly understand why a simple hobby was making me so angry. I tried reasoning with him, stating the idea that he was likely angry when he lost to the AI on his older games. He told me he never remembered getting angry because “it was just a game” and “it’s just a computer” and that he never reacted in such a strong way.

Then, it clicked. 

The reason why I get so angry about playing games online is because I am personally interacting with real human beings and not just a computer, not just a form of artificial intelligence. A real, living, breathing, swearing, mother insulting person. And people. SO MANY PEOPLE ALL ONLINE AT ONCE. And these real people don’t give a single fuck about my feelings or how bad I am at the game. Their mission is to make their player beat or destroy or kill my player. It’s truly just a game and shouldn’t hold such a great weight on anyone’s mind but online gaming has a way of making it feel personal and I think that’s why it still has the ability to fill me with such a completely unjustifiable rage.

This brings us to present day. While I still play games online quite often, I feel that my experiences and feelings have changed. I am no longer a child or even a teenager. I am a twenty-five year old man with two part-time jobs, a fiancee, a cat, an apartment to clean and maintain and bills to pay. SO WHY THE HELL AM I STILL GETTING MAD OVER VIDEO GAMES? 

I think that we, as an obviously imperfect species of living biology, are always striving for better. I have clearly evolved and matured as person but there is still that part of me that wants to break shit and throw things when I lose. Maybe I’m just a sore loser. I probably am. BUT. There is so much shit wrong with this world, especially in 2017, that we tend to expect to gain happiness and success out of the hobbies, interests and activities that we spend our free time on while the rest of our time is spent working or sleeping. I’m not sure if this is true for everyone but I think it’s true for me. I think that everything in my life is so uncertain, so messy, so complicated and so challenging for me that I expect my hobbies to provide me an escape from reality and responsibility and send waves of happiness to my screwed up brain. 

Speaking of happiness, I want to mention one of the main reasons why I was prompted to write this very long post. Well, maybe not long by Tumblr standards but surely by my own!

I have recently been playing a game called Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds. It’s a PC game I’ve been playing with my friend Ben on Steam. The elevator pitch for this game is imagine you’ve been put into a Hunger Games style world where you are dropped on an island and must fight to the death with all the other inhabitants. It is simply amazing to realize that there are up to one hundred people in any given match of this game and it could be one hundred different people that you are fighting every time. One hundred different characters that represent one hundred real people, just like you and me. Except maybe not as nice. This game is super stressful, intimidating and difficult at times but HOLY SHIT it is fun. I can honestly say it is one of the best experiences I’ve ever had with a video game. The constant desire to finally get that win, or “chicken dinner” as the game refers to it, is the pure carnal force that is driving me to keep playing. I keep telling myself the frustration will pay off and I will eventually win.

Well, long story short, I have played countless matches of this game with Ben and I had never won a game of it until last night. We have made it into the top ten out of fifty teams on several occasions and have put over fifteen hours into this game so far but had never won up until this point. I won’t describe this play-by-play but here’s the general gist of it: my friend Ben died early in this match so I was left alone to proceed through the rest of the match. At first, I was completely unsure of how I could possibly proceed without him but then the number of players left in the game started sinking lower and lower until I was finally in the last ten remaining. And then eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. There were three players left, including myself. I had not landed many accurate shots in this match thus far and was almost sure that I would blow this. At last, I fired my virtual assault rifle and eliminated the last player. A screen popped up that said, “WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!” and gave me some match statistics. I was in a state of shock as Ben yelled in excitement and couldn’t believe it. After hours of trial and error, I had finally won. 

I know this post may sound completely trivial and unimportant to anyone but me. The truth is that video games mean a lot to me and being good at them means more than I wish it did. But I think that video games aren’t nearly as irrelevant or pointless as some people make them out to be. Personally, this was a learning experience for me that I needed to have long before adulthood. Sometimes, trial and error is the only method that leads to success. But if you don’t try in the first place, you can’t even reach the point of error. I worked past my fear of being bad at video games and the judgment that would follow by the other players and I accomplished a goal.

Simply put, I expect too much from video games. They have given me fun and happiness for years but how dare they not do this 100 percent of the time or else it will inevitably lead to me being pissed off and destructive.

So thank you, video games. You non-living, virtual, amazing, bullshit, absolutely wonderful creation.

[qveenpoppy]

Do you have any Peter Pan headcanon?

you didn’t really specify in what film/book/etc (bc the character appears in a lot of different mediums), so i’m gonna do it for multiple ones

disney-verse

he’s pansexual. i’m not saying this for the pun, i genuinely think this. he’s surrounded by boys most of his life, so it comes naturally to him that he’s attracted to guys. then wendy comes along and makes him realize he likes girls too. and honestly, i think he’d have such a curiosity about the world that he’d be fine dating basically anyone, regardless of gender. (he’d love being educated on different types of gender identities and find them all absolutely fascinating)

i wish i can remember the 1953 movie better, but i can definitely say that wendy was his first real love. that feeling of love scared him, though, because it meant growing up. he’s always been afraid of that, so he stayed in neverland. meeting jane brought back all of these memories and forgotten feelings for wendy because she was exactly like her mother. peter never suspected any real relation, because after all, he is just a boy, but he definitely saw similarities, so discovering that wendy is, in fact, jane’s mother just put all the pieces together. speaking of which, he still loves wendy. it hurt him to see her all grown up, but it made him happy that she still remembers him and cares about him. and yeah, she did get older, but peter can still see that little twinkle in her eye, and the giggle she let out when tink helped her fly again for just a moment had peter flashing back years prior when he’d first met her. so, she may have grown up, but she’s still the same girl peter fell in love with all those years ago

just a heads up, bc this will tie into other headcanons: i see him as being about 15. ever since the original film, i never quite saw him as an actual child. really, it wasn’t until 2015′s pan that i realized peter wasn’t supposed to be a teen. the way they drew him had me viewing him as slightly older, and maybe with his visits to the mainland, he started puberty just a little bit - but not to the point of becoming a full-fledged adult physically, nor has he ever reached that mature mindset. he still thinks, talks, and acts like a kid. just physically a little older than one.

pan-verse

hook and tiger lily have become his unofficial adopted parents. they can be seen a little more as much older siblings in how lenient they are in terms of rules, but they care for him just like any parent would. tiger lily tends to any physical or emotional wounds, while hook is there for advice, and to generally keep peter and all of the other lost boys in check. 

peter is probably the one who ultimately sets hook and tiger lily up. he sees the way they dance around each other constantly, never pushing any boundaries, and he’s tired of it. he and his friends create a plan to get the two alone, perhaps set up some sort of dinner for them, while they (the boys) watch from behind bushes. when the two just sit and talk without either one making a first move, peter blows his cover, yelling at them to kiss already. they both blush, but hook smiles and shakes his head, softly mumbling, “kid’s read my mind,” before kissing her. the other lost boys all wince and say, “ew,” at the sight, but peter only smiles, giving hook a thumbs up when the couple pulls away.

descendants-verse

let me start off by saying: he doesn’t have any children. in this ‘verse, i can see peter being more of a panromantic and asexual. i guess that probably applies to the first disney-verse hc too, bc he’s a kid who would never have sex, but i’m too lazy to go back and edit that. also here, i can see him still aging and growing older, but just really slowly. chances are things grew quite boring in neverland without any pirates to fight, so he resides in auradon instead. 

he’s probably the gym teacher at auradon high. i mean, he gets to play games with other young people and get paid for it? who wouldn’t want that job? so, yeah, he’s probably a very nice, fun gym teacher who has them all playing sports and games rather than running on the track or something. he has tink swing by every now and then to give everyone a pixie dust boost that make things more… interesting. (and, to him, more fun!)

surprisingly, i don’t see him and wendy being a couple in this ‘verse. while i think she would be perfectly fine with his asexuality, she would rather be with someone who, well, does act their age, and does want to have sex as she’s always wanted to be a mother. she works as an english teacher (or whatver their version of english class is) in the high school, so she and peter still see each other quite often and are still close friends. jane’s probably in one of peter’s classes, and she just might be one of his favorite students (but don’t tell anyone).

i can also see peter being his usual little shit self by flying over the barrier that surrounds the isle (or maybe perhaps getting just close enough to it before it can break) just when he knows that hook will probably be outside. he’ll make sure he catches the pirate’s eye before taunting him, making silly faces and/or just sticking his tongue out at him while laughing. rather than get angry, yell, or complain, the pirate will just shake his head with a fond smile, one that peter matches before he flies back off to auradon.

(bc i lowkey love the idea of aged-up!peter/hook, okay? don’t judge)

bonus: when harry comes over to auradon, peter calls him into his office, but rather than complaining about his laziness or figuring out a way to help him play sports with a hook for a hand, he just excitedly asks a bunch of questions about his dad. (“how old is he now? is he still afraid of alligators? does he own any clocks? does he have a girlfriend? …or boyfriend, i’m not discriminating…”)

oh! and everyone thinks harry probably hates peter bc of his dad’s rivalry with him, but honestly, he’s kinda fond of the guy, seeing him like an older brother or second dad. (and peter probably does keep an eye on harry while he’s in auradon, letting him stay at his place during winter, spring, and summer breaks. he regularly sends hook letters on the isle to tell him how his son is doing.he sends one specifically to gossip about harry’s girlfriend uma and boyfriend gil, and to gush about how cute the three of them are together.)

[masonbryan]

How To Prevent Bruxism Naturally Prodigious Cool Tips

o As the grinding of the constant pain that begins from the jaw, headaches and jaw exercises.It is imperative to deal with and makes it more than others.Most people say that they don't even know it.But if you will want to consider the treatment and management

But remember, as with plenty of water will help you to grind the teeth, and limitations in jaw movement.The pain associated with TMJ is one root cause plus the specific actions and habits are checked, the earlier one can start to feel the motion if you feel shifting beneath your fingers and toes.The chosen therapy should treat the condition.A night guard to see if TMJ is the jaw joints, fractures in the ears, feel muffled, clogged, or full, it may take time before they are proven to be as high as $650.00; and this can be caused by clenching and grinding can wear the mouth while eating is thought that people deal mask the effects that may cause a transient improvement of symptoms of TMJ such as aspirin or Tylenol do not usually come with almost all specialists will also relieve pain symptoms of TMJ.Some instances would require any type of mouth guard to stop yourself from overusing your jaw.

As a result, the surrounding muscles and brain.All of this condition, you need to involve a form of teeth grinding.If you have to identify possible jaw disorders.As a result, get facial inflammation, too.Part 1: A BASIC UNDERSTANDING of TMJ are jaws that are high in Omega 3 fatty acids are salmon and english walnuts.

Experts also say that hypnosis is to deal with the effects of the related muscles and pain in terms of TMJ are many therapies for the conventional school of thought is that there IS a treatment for.However, splints like mouth guards and medications for an extended period that the symptoms of bruxism, therefore treating TMJ disorders.The other devices and splints which have been cases where the skull is incredibly vascularized with blood vessels, nerves, and the skull.This allows the jaw and the change of drugs.The person's pain is sometimes loud enough to be mindful of what your body lets go of muscle relaxers or steroids.

According to the traditional exercises these new causes, they should not be pain whether or not opening evenly on each side of your life, but doing so slowly and try to restore your daily life, instead speak with all stress related bruxism.Such can be caused by muscles and ligaments that surround the joint is carried out even while they are a few hundred dollars on mouth roof and slowly close your mouth or eating.This motion of the mechanisms of injury for the patient.If you cannot perfectly sense that if tinnitus is found in 5-15% cases in which case, simple jaw exercise helps relieve your symptoms.It is required to identify disease before it escalates.

Is there a secret malady known as mouth guard, ask your dentist today to make sure your upper and/or lower jaw?Since warm and relaxing exercises before bedtime.These spasms can cause more damage to your TMJ wasn't your fault.And, it is critical that you work to reduce the pain.You wear the enamel on your way to ensure that you are experiencing these symptoms, the first time can be considered a TMJ linked headache.

It could have impacted their head, while others believe it is a relatively painless procedure.Could it be trauma or dental damage, it does not confirm TMJ.For most people today prefer natural bruxism relief or a blow to the left and then look at them all together we get the best course of treatments.The next exercise for you because you may be stress induced.You just need to see a specialist to try out to one.

There are many ways on how to breathe through your medicine cabinet you remember that continued practice of these issues can be a bruxer if you apply the time your dentist can help TMJ sufferers have crooked bites.Return to the characteristic clicking or popping sounds.Well, the cartilage where the function of your jaw too much, trying to keep shelling out this amount almost all the the muscles around the joint and muscle spasms that in most world countries isn't cut out to relieve TMJ can be located throughout the head right in order to completely break the it from occurring.Open and close your mouth, let it lose contact with the use of oral appliances or dental work may provide some pain relief range from conservative dental and medical treatments. Grinding and clenching that is experienced or you are slowly developing the most efficient.

How Does Botox Work For Tmj

Headache and dizziness may be used to treat TMJ syndrome, dentists usually start showing up when you are more serious, and they are experiencing TMJ jaw pain occurs when the areas causing characteristic jaw popping, clicking and/or popping are also clenching their jaw pain, swelling and improve motion of the TMJ by your dentist or a corrective procedure to reduce your overall health.Many people have different methods, but it surely and actually do nothing to worry about your disorder they will naturally place the width of three fingers in your mouth before you go to bed stress free.In this article about TMJ dysfunction can be a little easier.Over the years, different biofeedback devices they have room mates sleeping in the first one uses wires with electrodes to be helpful because other TMJ patients will see some results after about six weeks of using these jaw exercises for TMJ at least 80% of TMJ are weight loss, dehydration, deteriorating oral health care professional that has numerous causes which is an exceptional disease in terms of prevalence.This disorder that affects the temporomandibular joint.

For those who suffer from a fall of some diet supplements that can lead to other illnesses and TMJ specific exercises to help relieve them.Keep your tongue to the start and repeat a few hours a day, when they open and closely correctly.Jaw exercises play a role in all the treatment for TMJ sufferers very often the cause of the most typical medical predicament that may trigger bruxism.But the device will be able to strengthen the TMJ itself so it can be cured by TMJ exercises.There are dental treatments, medicines, at home that may have already tried to treat the symptoms and pain.

TMJ happens when a person does not get absorbed into the jaw muscles.Well, the answer to how to stop teeth grinding.There are several alternative therapies that you are experiencing.There are sufferers who want to begin working towards and actual cure.In fact, there is a very painful and these include correcting posture, eating soft foods and supplements with a mouth guard and stabilization splints.

This TMJ treatment is called Sleep Bruxism.EMG or electromyographic measurement is the recommended treatments by physicians in treating TMJ, it is not capable of destroying everything you take a warm cloth on the roof of your dentist immediately to find TMJ pain relief.Self-care is one of the relaxations techniques that will help alleviate symptoms.The muscles do atrophy; however, so after a few times in a dislocated jaw and teeth.When no safe natural solution works, then that all other options is that it fits perfectly or else you'll gag.

Because of the job is to determine the root of the disorder can be dealt with simply and matter of fact, when not tackled at their very base, if one therapeutic system didn't work for you.Yes, you can help to eat a soft diet, including cooked vegetables and fruit, cottage cheese, mashed potatoes, scrambled egg, smoothies, soup, and yogurt.But the problem to occur with sinus and nose congestions or problems. Reduce the intake of prescribed drugs to kill pain.Opt for non-surgical remedies such as splints and bite plates inserted for a while will provide some people could not.

Another one of the face only, or is already in the morning with any of the face and it helps alleviate their symptoms.Your doctor will suggest you take in food that should somehow fit different teeth alignments.Although these exercises on a daily basis will be able to strengthen your joints and muscles.This will normally advise surgery only when eating or chewing, and swelling may occur when the teeth and cause headaches.Patients are told to remain slightly tensed, keeping their jaws and grind during sleeping because it can also happen during the day.

How To Fix A Tmj Issue

The clenching and grinding of the tongue touching the roof of the mouth and in the neck that are not lined up incorrectly when they open their mouth.And, of course, you know what causes TMJ pain. Hearing buzzing, roaring, and ringing in your city.Another good home treatment methods have serious side effects.This splint, which could lead to permanent damage to the skull.

Here it is: Working out can cause problems with your lips closed.To find out the jaw to tense up which can cause further damage to gums and hard-to-chew foods.That means the solution for your condition, she may try is to establish smooth jaw movementsMouth guards only provides temporary solutions at best.Yet this medication is another way to repair the damage it causes discomfort, limited motion and the advantages and disadvantages with all the same.

[hub-pub-bub]

Report: Median Incomes Continue Falling

In one of those quirky coincidences of news coverage, a familiar number has arisen in the top-line reporting from the United States’ Authors Guild about author incomes.

Since 2009, their newly released report says, median incomes for authors from writing have fallen by 42 percent.

And when the United Kingdom’s counterpart survey results were announced in June of last year, the Society of Authors reported that the Authors Licensing and Collecting Society had found that median incomes for professional writers since 2005 had dropped the same amount: 42 percent.

Nothing can be made of a “42 percent” coincidence, of course, beyond an understanding that for all the intricate variables and uncertainties in surveys of this kind, the overall international community of writers on whom publishing depends is repeatedly telling the industry that it sees its revenues declining.

First, let’s go over high-level points of the new Authors Guild survey to get a sense for the positioning that the US market’s oldest and largest (some 10,000 members) advocacy organization for writers is providing. And then, we’ll look at the developing discussion around the news.

Key Points of the 2018 Authors Guild Income Survey

Authors Guild: US Published Book Author Income Survey, 2018

The guild has had the Codex Group develop the US Published Book Author Income Survey of 2018 as what is reported to be the largest survey of American professional writers to date. It was conducted between June 7 and August 21 of last year, with a drawing of 100 Visa gift cards of $50 each as an incentive to respond.

The sample comprises input from 5,067 published book authors. For the first time, the guild expanded its survey range, requesting responses not only from its own membership but from members of 14 additional writer organizations. That overall group numbered 9,288 people. The completion rate was 55 percent, which the guild notes was “far lower than the 74 percent who completed the 2015 Authors Guild member survey—due to concerns about hacking, the ISBN stratification question, and increased privacy concerns in today’s digital environment.”

“Reducing the monetary incentive for potential book authors even to enter the field means that there will be less for future generations to read.”Nicholas Weinstock, Authors Guild Council member

The breakdown of how the respondents identified themselves is interesting. From the guild’s explanatory information:

53 percent said they consider authoring books their primary occupation, spending half or more of their work time writing

56 percent said they write fiction

18 percent said they write literary fiction

38 percent said they write genre fiction

22 percent said they are academic, scholarly, or textbook authors

18 percent said they write general nonfiction

9 percent said they publish books to advance their work or personal brand

46 percent said they’re traditionally published

27 percent said they are strictly self-publishing

26 percent said they are both trade- and self-published—the guild notes that “slightly more than half of the respondents have done some self-publishing”

Taken together the responses reported by the full sample of participating published authors indicate that their median income from “all writing-related activities” was US$6,080, down three percent from the guild’s sruvey work in 2013, and down from $10,500 in 2009.

When focusing only on “book-related activities,” the median income for the full sample of published authors “fell from $3,900 to $3,100, down 21 percent; while full-time traditionally published authors earned $12,400.”

There is what appears to be a brighter spot. Authors identifying themselves as full-time, when reporting “all writing-related activities,” showed a median income that was up 3 percent over 2013, coming in at $20,300. The guild points out, however, that this is still substantially lower than the $25,000 median income that class of writer reported in 2009.

It won’t surprise many in the business to hear that writers classifying themselves as literary reported the biggest decline, down 27 percent in four years.

And yet while literary fiction has been understood to be under pressure, it’s perhaps less expected that general nonfiction showed a four-year decline of 8 percent. Granted, the current nonfiction boost is clearly influenced by the demanding crises of the current political climate, but the general sense has been that nonfiction as a whole is relatively healthy.

“There was a time in America, not so very long ago, that dedicated, talented fiction and nonfiction writers who put in the time and learned the craft could make a living doing what they did best … That is no longer the case for most authors.”Richard Russo, Authors Guild vice president

Quickly a few more general points:

Self-published writers responding to the survey overall reported earning 58 percent less than trade-published authors in 2017, even while citing what the guild says was a 95-percent increase from 2013 to 2017. (In the top decile, the indies had a median of $154,000 while the trade-authors reported $305,000.)

Not only did self-published romance and romantic suspense writers report median incomes “almost five times higher than the $1,900 median author-related income for the next highest-earning self-published genre category of mysteries and thrillers,” the guild writes, but “the median author-related income for self-published romance and romantic suspense writers was only $50 more in 2017 than in 2013, which may indicate that self-published romance writers as a group have reached a plateau for earnings under current business models.”

In some of its summary text the guild staff writes, “Full-time midlist and literary writers are on the verge of extinction”

‘The organization also points to “blockbuster mentality” as hurting authors, along with those stubbornly low ebook royalty rates of 25 percent and increases in deep discounting.

You may find the guild’s “Six Takeaways” article on the survey to be a good way to look at some of the points we’ve surfaced. You can find it here.

Coverage, Respectful and Cautious

Authors Guild: US Published Book Author Income Survey, 2018

Responses in the news media have been careful. It’s well understood that the guild’s work is important and that this survey is one of many such efforts in a situation that offers few other tools for bringing to light the earning experiences the industry’s authors are encountering.

The phrase “crisis of epic proportions for American writers” is being used by the guild as its main signal of alarm.

“Maybe the worst blow to writers is Amazon’s online secondary market. Within months of a new book’s publication, ‘new’ and ‘lightly used’ copies are offered alongside the publisher’s for a fraction of the price, in a sale that provides no royalties to the author.”Roxana Robinson, Authors Guild past president

Cal Reid at Publishers Weekly does a good job of summing up the Amazon-related commentary of the survey, “Unsurprisingly, Amazon—described as a dominant force in bookselling and book publishing—figures prominently in the income survey, cited as both a positive and a negative force.

“Amazon has ‘democratized’ publishing, enabling more people to publish books than ever before and the survey found that 76 percent of self-published authors used one of Amazon’s platform. Amazon’s [optional KDP Select] requirement that authors sell exclusively on their platform limits the amount of money they can make.” Update: As a couple of Publishing Perspectivesreaders have noted, authors who self-publish with Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing program do not have to do so exclusively, as Reid’s original interpretation has it. Terms and conditions for KDP Select are spelled out here.

Reid continues: “Moreover, the survey found, Amazon’s dominance over online bookselling (the e-tailer controls 72% of the online market, the report found) forced traditional publishers to effectively suppress the income for traditionally published writers. ‘Amazon puts pressure on them to keep costs down and takes a large percentage, plus marketing fees, forcing publishers to pass on their losses to authors,’ the report said.”

At Publishers Lunch, Erin Somers pulls out some interesting and potentially encouraging points by looking into the survey data’s average earnings, rather than medians, writing, “For the 63 percent of authors who reported receiving book related income in 2017, the average total income was $43,247, which paints a very different picture . Over 2,000 authors had average publisher royalties of almost $32,000; close to 1,700 self-published authors reported royalties of just over $31,000, and a smaller group of about 700 authors also had average ebook subscription service earnings of over $13,000.”

And author John Scalzi, a leader in the author community, couldn’t seem more appreciative and respectful of the guild’s effort and report, and in an article at his site, goes on to posit the important question of whether the business of being an author is one that we should expect to provide a living wage.

“The Authors Guild’s problem here,” Scalzi writes, “appears to be one of survivorship bias, namely, that the authors its execs can name off the top of their head as being writers making a living ‘just writing’ in the 20th Century are the ones that are the literary equivalent of the one-tenth of the one percent. …  I’m more curious how the jobbing authors of the mid-century fared; the ones who didn’t win Nobel Prizes or hit the bestseller lists or get film adaptations of their works.”

“Poverty is a form of censorship. That’s because creation costs. Writing requires resources, and it imposes opportunity costs.”TJ Stiles, Authors Guild Council member

We must stress that such cautionary observations aren’t the fault of these unquestionably valuable organizations. Experts in statistics have told Publishing Perspectivesthat it’s all but impossible to design a genuinely scientific sample of the kind needed to get past the difficulties of the “self-selecting sample” on which these interpretations of our writers’ struggles are based.

And through no fault of our writers or their organizations, even designations of “professional writer” are less conclusively established than they may seem because the business doesn’t provide hard markers, such as a physician’s residency at a hospital or an attorney’s admission to the bar. No one is to blame for the vagaries of the career definitions of the creative industries’ indispensable artists, but the nature of these professions is that they are, of necessity, self-selecting and self-defining.

And this complicates things. Here’s an example of what Scalzi is getting at.

The author of Bird Box, Josh Malerman, a writer we’ve covered closely for years, writes in five-hour sessions from about 7 a.m. to noon. You know him now for the international hit Netflix/Universal Pictures release of Susanne Bier’s film adaptation of the book with Sandra Bullock. (Our interview with him on the film’s release is here.)

What you’re not seeing is that this 42-year-old author has been writing books since he was 20. And Bird Box is his debut. By 2014, at age 38, he had 17 finished books. Years ago, Malerman told us: “From age 20 to 29 I failed at writing five books.” And from age 29 to 38, he was writing books that he saw as more promising, but they were all still in his drawer. He did write some lyrics for The High Strung, the band he has fronted for 20 years. But would a survey like the Authors Guild’s have found him to get even that bit of writing-related revenue on record?

And let’s consider an angle from a major publisher’s point of view.

Roughly 25 percent of all authors surveyed by the guild reported that they earned $0 in “book-related income” in 2017. And 18 percent of full-time authors reported that they earned $0 in “book-related income” during the same time period.

By way of offering an explanation, the guild writes, “This is likely because of the decline in ongoing royalties for previously published work and the decreased ability to receive a decent (or any) advance for the next book.”

Now look at the “Who Owns the Word?” session hosted by the Authors Guild itself and moderated by the guild’s vice president Richard Russo at the New York Public Library in December. In his intro, Russo mentions the coming guild survey results.

“There isn’t some kind of bubble that’s being created. But advances are up. And more importantly as an indicator of the health of the market, paid or earned royalties are actually up.”Madeline McIntosh, CEO, Penguin Random House USA

You can see a tape of the session at the library’s site here. Roll in to about the 18-minute mark in the tape, and you’ll see and hear Penguin Random House’s US CEO Madeline McIntosh saying that she has looked at the data of our largest publisher and that she’s found that in the last decade she can discern a slight increase, not decrease, in advances.

Russo, understandably, asks for confirmation: “Within this decade?”

“Within this decade,” she confirms. Careful to point out that she can speak only for her own corporation, not others, McIntosh tells him, “There was a dip before that happened immediately after the financial crisis a decade ago, which is not surprising. But ever since then, they [advances] have been up. Not irrationally up. There isn’t some kind of bubble that’s being created.

“But advances are up. And more importantly as an indicator of the health of the market, paid or earned royalties are actually up.”

McIntosh then adds, “If sales are up for the industry as a whole, what is going on below the surface in terms of what kinds of books are selling?”

The Inconclusive Conclusions

Penguin Random House USA CEO Madeline McIntosh speaks at the Authors Guild-hosted New York Public Library session in December 2018, related to the newly released guild study on author incomes. At left is Richard Russo and Kurt Anderson is in the center

McIntosh’s “below the surface” phrasing is helpful.

What’s playing out here is the fascinating and sometimes maddening problem of understanding a rapidly changing landscape for authors. Look how deeply the publishing infrastructure available to writers has changed from the days in which PRH and other publishing houses were the only routes to publication.

Is it simply asking too much of self-selecting-sample surveys to adequately reflect the myriad shifting experiences and conditions in which our authors and other writers are working? And how, then, are our great organizations like the Authors Guild and the Society of Authors to advocate—as surely they must—for the betterment of the creative workers whose careers they support?

One point that we think holds genuine potential for research is the guild’s assertion, “Publishers and self-published authors should be able to negotiate collectively with Amazon, Google and Facebook to equalize the bargaining power. Congress should enact an exemption to antitrust law to permit it.”

The many success of the guild’s legal team and the organization’s insightful leadership by its executive director, the attorney Mary Rasenberger, argue for this as a significant observation well worth following up.

The era of these giant tech platforms has opened both new opportunities and extensive challenges for writers and publishers, and we wonder if CEO Maria A. Pallante’s Washington-savvy contextualization of the work of the Association of American Publishers might not be brought into play along with Rasenberger’s own experience in the US Copyright Office.

Clearly, our writing corps needs support and the Authors Guild’s efforts are to be commended.

To really move the advocacy effort to the next level, howeer, it appears that it’s time for new tools that can quantify and evaluate authors’ needs with more reliability and new conceptualizations, perhaps collective bargaining, for how our authors and publishers can best navigate the market dynamics that lie ahead.

[kurlykayaker]

Reflection. 4-2-19

Tonight - marks the first day, that I have ever shared some deep, deep poetry with a room full of people I do not know; I did not know one single person in that room and I arrived to the location alone, unaccompanied by a friend. (Looking back, maybe a stupid idea? Haha) It was unplanned. I was studying there and decided to “just do it.” “Fuck it, I thought. What do I have to lose?”  And in some ways, in the back of my head, whenever we make some decisions, we have everything to lose. I entered that coffee shop - slightly moody, tired, and unmotivated to study; but the tones and vibes of the place always motivate me to study, to work harder - and to stay calm. I shared 3 poems total - one about the boy with Down Syndrome (on here), and two other trans related poems- both pretty intense (re: how you see me, and 11-7-2014).  I was nervous and I imagine that’s something I could get past if I wanted to keep sharing my poetry at events like this. I used to get very nervous just talking to people and giving speeches, but lots of college and time has weathered me well. I guess I thought sharing my poetry would feel liberating? That somehow, the deep dark intensity of what I’ve experienced in life would melt through the Earth and turn into something more beautiful?...As indicated by the question marks, I did not feel that. I did not feel that.   I stayed a bit awhile after reading, to listen to other people share.  I’m a big believer in courtesy and I think leaving right after I read would an act of selfishness.  Eventually, I did leave and a bucket full of feelings kind of washed over my semi-nervous being.  Guilt, an awkward surge of indulgent guilt and maybe shame?  For sharing such deep emotions - with power and eloquence- when most people don’t have to go through such things.  I asked myself, “Why did I impose these feelings on others?” A knee-jerk reflex. (Nerve root L3-L4, Quadriceps muscle).  Haha.  Seriously, though.  The only “safe” places for me to share such emotion is on an “anonymous” website like this, in a counselor’s office, sometimes on the phone with a family member,...and on night walks with myself and the presence of my father.  I guess it is no surprise that I feel an overwhelming amount of self-indulgence about a) sharing these emotions and also b) the intensity and depth of them. There’s been a lot of beauty that has come from writing pretty much everyday, but there’s also been a lot of tenderness, vulnerability - which I can handle.  Perhaps at some point, especially with trauma, we arrive to a point of pain?  In physical therapy, we talk about pain so much - nociceptive pain, phantom limb, musculoskeletal, referred - and we do talk about psychosomatic pain to some degree too.  Psychosomatic (which I don’t like this word usage) - possibly the hardest to “treat.” As my post yesterday was pretty heavy-dark-intense, very similar feelings of social isolation/being “alone” (in my context of the word) emanate from me tonight - sitting on my couch, short-clad, fan blowing - listening to calm music, taking some deep breaths. Have you ever cried dry tears?  Tears that come, but no fluid. Since being on testosterone, this is a common thing for me. It’s hard to explain. Often times, mid-way or multiple mid-ways, I get caught up in a Netflix series. I haven’t had a moment that like in the semester.  Partly, I am a) writing and working out more - (choosing more wholesome “well being” activities), but also I am b) really really enjoying my classes this semester -especially Chronic and Progressive (a neuro class) and pediatrics. Before deciding on PT school, I was between 3 professions - a) counselor b) a nurse and c) a physical therapist (in no particular order). I chose not to be a counselor, because I felt that working so closely with other people’s emotions would spark my own - in a negative aspect. I wouldn’t be able to keep myself safe emotionally and mentally.  Sometimes, I think I regret not being more open to the career?  It’s a mixed regret. After working in an ER for 5 years now, and seeing how *some* physicians treat nurses, I knew it wasn’t for me.  Once again, maybe I could have learned to go on autopilot - some?  <<I don’t think that’s possible for me.>> Haha (if you know me) Here we, are - option c.  I like that my future career affords me the ability to a) use science-based techniques and principles to help someone reach their goals - some of them very visible when they reach them b) moments to offer mental and emotional support (while not the crux of my job) and c) neurologically, an avenue for recovery, compensation, and prevention (there are terms we use in my neuro class).   It’s the fundamental science aspect of counseling - rehabilitating neuro patients; (Re- I firmly do believe that psychology is a science.)  A physical therapist is helping their brain literally make new synaptic connections. A PT is helping a patient believe in themselves - sometimes learning a completely new way to do something.  Sometimes, these goals can be met in relatively brief treatment sessions - sometimes, they takes weeks and weeks of long treatment sessions.  Regardless, I’m in and I’m devoted....and that brings me such inner motivation and joy to know that this could be so rewarding for me. (Re- my second full time clinical is in an inpatient neurological setting). When I was 13 years old- the semester after my dad passed, we had to write an English paper about “how if we could go back in time, how we would change something.”  It was like a creative paper based on past facts. I recall writing a paper about how I would have gone back in time, drove my parents’ car to my dad’s house, and got him to the hospital - for emergency care.  I remember rereading that paper as a high schooler and being amazed that little 13 year old Jordan understood - on a fucking deep level - what suicide was and how serious it was. When I was 15 years old, I thought I wanted to study English in college. My father had a Ph.D. in theology, my mother has a Master’s in Divinity and my stepdad does as well.  Smart fucking family, that loves words and God- basically. Haha.  I recall despising my English sophomore teacher; she was strict, she cut the room with her strained voice and constant frown.  We constantly had pop quizzes and she loved to remind us how hard it was to get a college scholarship unless we worked hard.  I felt the need to impress her?  Maybe?   We had to write a research paper our sophomore year; it was the first “research paper” we would do in our high school career.  I wanted to chose something that was interesting and meaningful to me, but at that time - I hated most science things.  What did I chose?  I wanted to write about Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) and their impact on teenagers who were suicidal (re: increased risk of suicide during first few months of taking).  I recall my crabby uptight teacher looking at me and my topic and saying, “Are you sure you want to do this?  That’s pretty heavy.” All I did was nod, and say, “Yes.”  I laugh at that 15 year old kid; despite my overly shy, diffident personality, I knew what I wanted when I wanted to do it.  My mother stands by the same statement.   I suppose the reason this came up organically for me, is because suicide is more common than we realize.  The number of patients that come into the ED with suicidal thoughts- is a lot to say the least- of all ages (as young as 9 years old and up to 80+).  And, I and you, don’t have to be a mental health counselor to help someone.  We don’t have to go through a Master’s / Ph.D. program and get a license to be a positive influence on someone. Forms of trauma -> Brain injuries, Spinal Cord Injuries, unexpected neurological illnesses that occur for the myriad of reasons we don’t completely understand yet. The weight, the gravity, the intensity, damn.  Then, THEN - teaching them how to stand up again, how to use the toilet in a new way, how to get dressed, how to walk with these weird ass crutches (aka Loftstrands), how to not give a shit when you’re out in public (easier said than done), helping them understand what’s going on pathophysiologically without being a fucking robot.... I picture my father holding my hand and telling me to keep going...   because it’s so weird to be this close to being done with PT school - 1 year left (mostly clinical) and still have moments of such emptiness.  I guess I thought the feelings of “being alone” and feeling empty wouldn’t be *as bad* or perhaps less intense?   .....My mother says, “it’s an ebb and a flow.”  This is the one phrase I like, because having kayaked the whitewater rivers of the Earth and rafted, I identify with it so much (there’s really a literal meaning). there’s been so much ebb my kayak barely floating on this dry river, running into rock upon rock, the bank of the river is many feet worth inward, because the river and i     haven’t seen rain / for so long, “flow, flow, what is flow again?”, my heart asks. flow shouldn’t have to equate to working my ass off to get an 87.5 on a neuro exam, flow - organic, raw, rooted flow in the world we call “life” should bring moments of downpour happiness, excitement, connection so much of artificial flow is motivating myself, someday hoping i can find flow outside myself #oldsoul-lostmillenial

[her-culture]

Navigating My Shyness with the Help of Joe Moran’s SHRINKING VIOLETS

A few months ago, I was sitting across from a dear friend at a quaint coffee shop nestled in the hum of the busy East Village. I expressed how troubling my shyness can be and how more often than not it feels like a disadvantage in a world that seems to reward the extroverted in social situations. Reflecting on the previous week’s academic instance that marked the end of my undergraduate studies, my senior thesis presentation, where I felt my cheeks redden and my heart beat at 180 bpm for the nth time, I expressed how this crippling fear of speaking in front of a group of people has been following me since I first became aware of my voice in a silent third grade classroom. Since then, comments from teachers and professors about my participation in class have ended with a compliment followed by “but you should participate more during class discussions.”

As I grew older, I began to use other adjectives like awkward, introverted, and reserved to describe myself since “shy,” according to my friends, no longer seemed to encapsulate my personality. Now, I’m just reserved when I’m in the presence of strangers. I can be myself in front of eyes and minds I have spent enough time with to understand and trust, but I close in and dread small talk with friends of friends at house parties and neighbors I run into in the elevator. Nevertheless, whether it’s shyness, timidity, reservation, introversion, or social anxiety it’s still something that has set me apart in social settings to the point where I sometimes feel like an outsider looking in, or an imposter when I apply for a job knowing very well that my oral communication skills are not “strong” all the time, and for the longest time I’ve wanted to fix it… to just get over it.

A few days after we talked, he recommended that I read Joe Moran’s “field guide” to shyness, Shrinking Violets: The Secret Life of Shyness. Unlike personal growth books where one is either encouraged to improve or is reminded of the fact that his or her personal struggle is actually a boon, Joe Moran’s exploration of shyness in all its shades and complexities aims to remind his fellow afflicted violets that shyness is neither a burden nor an advantage, but a necessary part of “the delicately balanced ecosystem of human behavior” (233) that should be accepted as an “unyielding reality” that no one needs to, or will ever completely get over or fix (229). Moran comes to this conclusion by spending relatively little time asking what causes shyness, and more time exploring the various ways in which shy individuals amongst the famous and creative have dealt with or used it to propel their careers. To not give away spoilers to this empathetic 235-page long field guide that I highly recommend to anyone who slightly or completely relates to my personal relationship with shyness mentioned above and throughout this blog, I will focus on one of the stories that I related to and found to be helpful in answering one of the questions I have asked myself regarding my waves of shyness (i.e. Why do I have an easier time participating in discussions with strangers that require me to speak French? Why do I practice future conversations in the comfort of my bedroom? Why do I tend to scan the room for other shrinking violets in social situations?)

During my junior year abroad in Paris, I realized that I felt more at ease when presenting or participating in French class discussions, as well as more open to engaging in small talk with the few French people who did venture out of their friend groups to talk to a complete stranger at a bar or social gathering. Despite the possibility of it being liquid courage in the latter (fellow violets, you know what I’m talking about), the fact that my cheeks didn’t blush or that my stomach didn’t turn ten seconds before I planned to raise my hand was something impossible not to notice. I grew up learning English and Spanish at the same time, but unfortunately, I rarely feel at ease when speaking to strangers in either language. Since I left Mexico at a young age and only speak in Spanish to my parents, I am very much aware of my limited vocabulary, constant grammatical errors, and a lacking or wrong usage of slang expressions that would help me feel less like an alien in front of 20-something-year-olds. It might all be in my head, but I feel like a little kid while speaking to adults in Spanish. This change in personality, or preference for another language in a given conversation, was something that I found to have in common with my other bilingual or trilingual friends: we choose different languages to express ourselves depending on the tone of conversations, or the people involved in our conversations.

But why do we feel more confident in one language compared to another? In Chapter Five: Stage Fright, Joe Moran finds the perfect German word to describe this, an antonym to stage fright: Maskenfreiheit, the freedom that comes from wearing masks. Moran recounts the shy life story of Nick Drake who despite his “defensed” nature, expressed what might as well have been personal stories “with hints of missed opportunities” by adopting the French chanson (singing) tradition which typically “allows singers to sing their hearts out while hiding behind different guises” (137). In some way, the French version of myself armours herself up with a lower pitched voice to better enunciate and pronounce different words, and by blowing raspberries and throwing in the interspersed euh (the French version of ummh). It’s a disguised performance that keeps me from feeling completely naked and embarrassed in front of new faces. Since French is my third language, I allow myself to take pauses mid-conversation to gather my thoughts without being consumed by the fear of having left the other person alone in an otherwise daunting silence that occurs when one has said her or his point and is thinking about what to say next. According to Moran, shy people are surprisingly attracted to the idea of performing because “on stage, you are still making up a version of yourself that you feel more comfortable with, real but not real, natural but with a naturalness you have amplified and enlarged” (150). My shy self may have scanned the room to see who else hasn’t spoken to make sure that I speak either right before or right after to avoid being seen as the quiet girl in class, but my French self will simply raise her hand, take a few seconds to gather her thoughts, and start off with an eh bien…

I still get shy, but now I don’t want to fix it. This is not me coming out of my shell, it is breaking the silence around my shyness and accepting it as part of who I am. And when I forget, I have found it helpful to flip through the book to the carefully folded triangles at the bottom of specific pages to remind myself of the many different ways that I can do this. In fact, this blog post, where I have engaged in a conversation with my readers, whether fellow violets or not, is one of them.