#So far it's the same amount of pain but worse mental health so that's awesome

[2boldlyqueer]

I am doing real badly these days

[lovemesomesurveys]

● Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced. A lot of time wasted.  “I wasted my time...”   ● What 5 websites do you visit often, and why? Tumblr, YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest.  ● Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it. Some would consider knickknacks and collectibles and stuff useless, and I mean yeah they just sit on a shelf, but I like stuff like that.  ● What music album would be used for a movie about your life? I don’t know. ● List your bad habits and/or addictions and what you have tried to rid yourself of them. I got a lot of bad habits. As for addictions, caffeine and my pain medicine. I don’t abuse it, I take it as prescribed, but after so long your body develops a dependency. I remember several years ago I tried to cut out caffeine. It lasted a couple days, I think. haha. The headaches are no joke.

● If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind? There’s a long list of things I’d want to change, but I mean if I could have good health (mentally and physically) that would make a big difference. I think some other changes would follow. I can’t imagine I’d ever change my mind about that. ● What are your religious beliefs? Have they changed, or have they always stayed the same? I’m a Christian now. Up until 4 years ago I was atheist and then agnostic.  ● When was your last food craving, and what did you crave? I’ve been wanting Doritos tacos from Taco Bell lately. ● Who was your first crush and what made them special? This kid named Philip when I was in 3rd grade. He was a grade or two above me. He and I were turning the jump rope for people during this event my elementary school had every year called, Jump Rope for Heart. It was to get people active and raise awareness. Anyway, he was across from me holding the other end of the rope and I just thought he was cute haha.  ● Name your most cherished childhood memory. I have a lot of those. I loved my childhood. It wasn’t without struggle or obstacles, but for some reason those things aren’t what stand out the most. I was a strong, resilient kid. Kid me would be so ashamed of how weak I am now. ● Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago. What has changed and what has stayed the same since then? I don’t feel like looking back on old surveys right now. ● What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask? Hmm. ● Robert Frost write a poem titled The Road Not Taken. Name a road you’ve always wanted to travel. Where do you hope it takes you, and what might you see on the way? Wait, literally or metaphorically? I mean, metaphorically I’d like to take the road that takes me to working on myself and leading to some happiness and success. That’d be nice.  ● Name one thing you always wanted to do, but haven’t. What has prevented you from doing it? Uhh there’s a lot of things. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time in my life each passing year. I’m just wasting away. I want to just...live. Travel more. Do something with my life. My physical health has been a contributing factor, but ultimately it’s me. It’s my mental health. That affects me more than anything else. ● Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be? It happened behind the drama department at my high school. It unexpected and awkward, but it was my first kiss so it was all I knew. I was so giddy about having had my first kiss it didn’t matter haha. ● What was the worst mistake or decision you have ever made in life? What could you have done differently? Oh jeez. I have a lot of regrets. One that weighs heavily on me in recent years relates to my health. I’m very stubborn. I should have taken better care of myself. I should have neglected certain things. Some things don’t just go away, they get worse. And here I am, still not taking care of myself like I should be. Each passing year... ● What song was stuck in your head recently, and what were you doing at the time that made you think of it? I Love Me by Demi Lovato. I just really like the song.

● Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you? Just going back to the big thing that’s been weighing heavily on my mind these past few years that I talked about up there. ● Write about your greatest fear. Death, losing loved ones, never getting better/getting worse, and never doing anything with my life. ● Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people. Hmm. ● Describe a time in your life when everything turned out fine, despite the odds. I mean, there have been some times where things turned out to be not as bad as I thought they would be.  ● If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve? I’ve talked about it enough.  ● Write about the last time you spoke to your best friend. What did you talk about? Last night when my mom got home from work. She was just telling me about stuff that happened at work and the latest Coronavirus news. It’s a wild time right now. All the cancellations of events, school campuses closing, and empty shelfs because people are stockpiling on hand sanitizer, face masks, and toilet paper. Italy is quarantined. I’ve never witnessed anything like this. ● Describe a time you felt alone. I feel that way a lot. I don’t spend a lot of time physically alone, but I still feel alone a lot. ● Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it? Uhh earlier I found a new ASMR channel on YouTube to watch haha. ● What’s on your calendar for tomorrow? I have a doctor appointment.  ● What is the most annoying sound you have ever heard? Eating sounds make my skin crawl.  ● Describe your first job. I’ve never had one.  ● What is the one thing you cannot live without? Besides oxygen, food, and water; my family. And coffee. That doesn’t get lumped into food or water, coffee gets its own honorable mention.  ● Quote the nicest thing anyone has ever said about you. Lane said I was strong, beautiful, brave, and rocked red hair like nobody’s business. :D ● Are you afraid of the dark? Why or why not? I can’t sleep if it’s completely dark or quiet, which is why I sleep with the TV on. I’d be scared if the electricity went out and it was dark if I was home alone. I wouldn’t go anywhere alone at night. Even with with someone I’m heightened alert. ● Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home. A week. ● Write about a recent adventure or travels. I went to Disneyland for a few days last month. It was awesome. ● Who did you idolize growing up? My mom and grandma. And some celebrities at the time that were around my age like Hilary Duff. ● Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date. Alexander Skarsgard. ● Describe your daily routine when you get out of bed in the morning. Take my medicine, use the restroom, have coffee.  ● Name one thing you have always been good at doing. Jumping to the worst case scenarios. ● What is your favorite season, and why? Fall and winter. I love the weather, the clothes, the scents, the holidays, and just the coziness of it all. ● What was the title of the last book you read? I’m currently reading, “The Girl That Vanished” by A.J. Rivers. It’s the sequel to, “The Girl in Cabin 13.” ● List your biggest regrets. I talked about one of them already. That’s enough for today. ● Have you ever seen a ghost? No. ● Describe your note-taking style and habits. Bullet points, underlining, asterisks, and highlighting.  ● Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? Yes. You have to figure that out for yourself, we all have a different purpose. I’m still trying to figure mine out. ● What comes to mind when someone uses the phrase prolonging the magic? I’ve never heard that phrase. ● Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive? Drinking, smoking weed, and taking a ride in a truck at night on a backroad at night near a levee. That was scary, but definitely an adrenaline rush.  ● What is your favorite cliché? Actions speak louder than words. ● What are all your thoughts on god? I believe in God.  ● How do rainy days make you feel? I love rainy days. I do the same things I do any other day, but it’s just cozy. The sound is relaxing. ● What is the most amount of money you have had at one time? A couple grand. ● Write a celebrity crush list. Alexander Skarsgard. ● What is the most amazing thing you have ever seen, heard, or experienced? I couldn’t pick just one thing. ● What effect does music have on you? It can perk me up, it can give me a little energy if I need to clean, it can make me sad, it can make me zone out, it can make me relax.  ● What did you learn today? What did you learn yesterday? Uhhh. ● What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time? I’m sure the very first thing they notice is I’m in a wheelchair. Then probably how thin I am. Then perhaps my hair and my black rimmed glasses. Maybe my freckles. ● Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? No. ● Does Never Never Land really exist? No, sadly.  “Cause Neverland is home, to lost boys like me...” ● Where is a great place to get breakfast? This local place that’s known more for their burgers, fries, and shakes, but actually have bomb breakfast, too. I love their country gravy. ● List 3 things that went right (or wrong) today. It’s only 2 in the morning, but so far I had ramen, I’m finishing up my Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink, and I’m watching/listening to an ASMR video. Not a bad start, but we’ll see how the rest of the day goes... I have a doctor appointment later that I’m not looking forward to. Afterwards my mom and I are going grocery shopping and I’ll probably pick up Wingstop on the way home. It’s been hot lately and I’ve had a nagging headache the past couple days, so I hope that isn’t the case today. ● What is the best method of travel, and in what ways have you traveled? Car and plane.  ● If you could give the world just one thing, what would it be? Peace. ● What were your best and worst subjects in school or college? English throughout school, with the addition of psychology in college. My worst was always math. I struggled with science, too. Philosophy was really fucking hard. ● Describe the most outrageous thing anyone has dared you to do. I haven't really been dared to do anything too outrageous.  ● Ice cream: chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry? Strawberry, but vanilla is good as well.  ● What historical events happened the year you were born? Ted Bundy was electrocuted.  ● Pick up a random object that has special meaning to you and describe it in as much detail as possible. I’m on my bed and there’s 2 giraffe stuffed animals, one is a big squishy one. I love all my giraffe stuffed animals, which there are a LOT of. ● Write about a recent visit to a museum or art gallery. I visited a Walt Disney museum a couple years ago. It was really cool. ● What food items do you consider staples in a well-balanced diet? I’m the wrong person to ask about well balanced diets. Well balanced for me is Wingstop, ramen, this pizza from my favorite local pizza place, scrambled eggs, and coffee. haha. ● Describe your feelings in regards to an issue in todays society, and what would be done to fix it. I talked about the coronavirus, which is a big issue and hot topic currently, and my feelings to it already. ● If you had only one wish, what would you wish for? Cures for all diseases. ● If you could tell the world just one thing, what would you say? Wash your hands!  ● Share a dirty little secret about yourself (or someone else). Nah. ● Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Noooo. ● Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing. I need to devote time to taking care of myself and taking some necessary steps. ● What is the name of your favorite book, magazine, or publication? I have too many favorite books. ● Describe your first car. I’ve never had my own car. I don’t drive. ● Thunderstorms… Inspiring or scary? I love them.

[crow-songs]

What No One Tells you....

…..about losing weight and getting Healthy.

Alright, so one of my rare ranting moments, what you’re not warned about when you start getting healthy or losing weight for your own health.

1. Buying Clothing for yourself, is a pain in the ass!

~If you live on your own, pay your own bills, pay for your own groceries etc…You also know the pain of buying clothing. Now, for me, I get to see both sides of the scale. I get to see my Partner, who happens to be much smaller (weight-wise) than I am, and then you have my big fluffy ass. Where my partner can get a cheap tank if they need, I have to spend almost $20 to get one that actually fits me without riding up the belly or being defeated by the BOOBS of DOOM! Even my partner has commented on how drastic the price differences are for clothing. Now imagine, you are losing weight, no longer do you fit the ‘fat girl’ clothing well without looking like a 50 year old stereotype aged soccer mom, and I am too big to fit into what is considered regular clothing. (And I will be ranting about that later because ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?) So you either have to cough up the big bucks for clothing that you know you’ll not be able to wear in a few months and will be trying to donate to a place that will actually give clothing to people in need, or you end up looking like that 50 year old person who doesn’t care about being 'fashion forward’. Now this second style most would say “But hey, at least you’re comfy!”. Like, yea, that would be awesome! I get to lose weight and be super comfy, yay! But NO! That is not the case. Half the day you’re pulling your pants up afraid that you’re going to moon someone because there are 'no’ pants that fit you right after that first single time! you’re shirts are so baggy that they get caught on doorknobs, tangled in the fat on your arms, or boobs and at worst, get tangled in that said boob when all three things happen all at once when you are carrying all those groceries on the bus because cars are expensive dammit, and suddenly your shirt is pulled down so far that this 'comfy’ piece of clothing is exposing you. But the worst part, is how it makes you feel. I mean, I am trying to get healthy, and finally be comfortable in my skin, not because of media, but because being fat is exhausting thank you. Those loose pieces of clothes that you have to pay an arm and a leg for, make you feel…well…awkward. More so that you already feel. I hate it. I’m trying to lose weight for my health and self esteem (Don’t get me wrong, I am damn fabulous and I know it) but I want to look down and see my damn toes. The price and self image that the clothing brings, does not help.

2. People are MEAN when you’re trying to get healthy!

~Holly crackers are being just mean! I cannot tell you how many times I have been shamed for what I am trying to do! But here’s the kicker, it ain’t the skinny ones being this mean, it’s girls (not many guys care or ask questions about it) that are my size or larger. Now, here’s a story of when I first started losing weight.

(Little background here, I use to be a cashier at a USA Chain store and I was good at my job, this is a conversation between me an a woman who was the same size as me)

————–

Me: “Hi! Thanks for shopping with us did you find everything today?” *Starts scanning her items and bagging*

Customer: “I did thank you.”

Me: “So, how’s your day been today?” (Now for this, I always use my genuine voice because you know what, everyone needs someone to just talk too)

Customer: “It’s ok…..Wait, I’ve seen you here before, you look different.”

Me: *All happy proud that someone other than my epic Partner sees my hard work* “Yeah! I’ve lost about 55lbs in about 3 months! I’ve been trying to get healthier!”

Customer: “Oh that’s good. What diet are you on, or did you…..”*pauses to lean in and whisper*“Did you get that surgery thing. I’ve been thinking about that too so no need to be ashamed.”*insert sly smile*

Me:*Stands there blinking a moment before giving that awkward laugh you give when you just don’t know what to say* “Ah, actually no diet per say, and I am waaay to poor for surgery of any kind. No, I actually cut out dairy finally since I’m actually allergic to it, and cut gluten out of my diet because my partner is highly allergic and I figured why not do so in solidarity. I love my meats so you know not too brutal. And I’ve been doing some basic exercises like walking and little 5lb weights that we sell here. It’s been amazing and I actually feel like I can do things without falling over dead!”

**mind you, I am stilllll scanning the overflowing cart of stuff this woman has and she is not unloading it at all, so I am having to hop lean over my counter to reach her items**

Customer: *Pauses with this surprised look before her lip literally curls and she gives me the most disgusted look ever* You know how unhealthy it is to starve yourself!

Me: *actually goes still to being confused* What?

Customer: I mean you should have better self esteem in how you look and love your body no matter what people tell you! Starving yourself is not the answer! *starts to go on rant about media and about how I’m some dumb child falling for this and how I probably cut and how I’m not 'that’ over weight and make up can fix my face.*

Me:*stares at this now labeled crazy bitch getting annoyed* Ma'am…I’m 23…I am doing this for my health, I can still down a whole chicken by myself if I wanted, but I am trying to portion my food. *Holds out receipt as she swiped her card while ranting loud enough that all cashiers are now staring* Have a good day.

———-

I mean are you kidding me!? I have bee actively shamed more since I have been working to try and get healthy more than once! One woman had the guts to tell me that losing weight is for whores and I was just going to be a target for rape if I did this. I have been called stupid, worthless and informed how ugly I am. WHAT THE SEVEN HELLS IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!!!????

By the way, that conversation actually took place almost over a year before the gluten free diets started to gain some fame/attention.

3. The Assumption that Working out is dangerous/I don’t know what working out is.

~I cannot count the amount of times I have been lectured and talked down too when I mention that I need to work out more or am trying to work out. People people people…I am not stupid. Yes I know how to lift weights, yes I loooove punching bags, yes I know how to run and yes I know how to swim and do sit ups. The surprise you get from people is insane. What people assume is that you have never been active your entire life, and you eat like a damn pig. No, that isn’t always the reason someone is over weight. When i was a kid, I was active, I played softball, I was into multiple forms of martial arts including MMA (thanks to my dad), running, climbing etc. I was like this till about 13-14 years old. That is when depression, stress, loneliness and lack of support entered my life. That and my genetics and a knee surgery I had when I was 16-17, yeah I got damn fat! But I’m not stupid! My Gods!

4. Depression is the biggest Bitch ever.

~I won’t lie, my biggest demon, is depression. even when losing weight, when you have sooo many telling you how horrible you are for trying to lose weight or for doing it, even that one person (for me my partner) who is supporting you…..sometimes it isn’t enough. You watch your body change, going down and then ballooning back up and then back down and put that on repeat. It’s hard. When you have a 40 hrs + job, the world around you is literally falling apart, knowing that going outside can get you killed and worse, when you look at your bills and you feel like there is no end, when you look at your life and you know, you know this is not what you wanted to do with it, or what you are capable of doing…..damn it gets hard. It’s hard to keep that motivation to be healthy. Real Healthy I mean. For years I convinced myself that 'my’ method was the best, that how I was eating would do my body well. I was never told that fat girls could have an eating disorder. And than I realized what I was doing. I was doing a different kind of binge and purge. I would take 1 week and just massively over eat, to the point that I would vomit on my own without any finger, and then for 2 weeks, I just wouldn’t eat anything. I would drink water or for a while, soda….maybe have a bag of chips….but nothing else. For 2 damn weeks. I never felt faint, dizzy, dazed. I only felt tired, still massively depressed and my weight would bounce that a stupid bouncy ball in a locked room. Later, through my own studying as during the years of going to a doctor (And more than once ulcer later)  I had always been told I was surprisingly healthy and active for my age (I CALL BULLSHIT), I realized the reason I didn’t feel this, was because my body was eating itself and I’ve got/had the stores to eat where these sessions while unhealthy, wouldn’t trigger my brain. People assume that working out, getting healthy and changing your lifestyle, changes that. But to be honest, YOU CAN BE DOING IT ALL RIGHT AND STILL BE DEPRESSED! I feel the need to shout that from the roof tops sometimes! Even if you have the best support system, sometimes, you still feel very much alone in your situation. And there is no reason you or anyone should be feeling guilty about this.

Alright, there is my rant, I could likely add more, but in this moment, I don’t want too. For any who read, thank you for reading, and know, You CAN do this. What is healthy for one person, doesn’t mean it’s healthy for you (This is coming from the person that is actually allergic to the entire mustard family when it comes to greens) and above all, you’re worth getting healthy, physically and mentally. You can want to lose weight, all while loving yourself.

Here are two links for people going through this in my opinion that might help:

https://www.torrid.com/homepage   ~~A great place for clothing that frequently has some damn good sales and does focus on how it fits your body.

https://www.udemy.com/     ~~This might we odd, but classes help. Whether it’s in art for self therapy or self expression, or nutrition classes. They do have sales (Their current black Friday/Cyber Monday sale of epicness)

Alright everyone, have a wonderful, and a life that you can be proud of.

[lordmattuk]

How do you stop being depressed?

Dear God, I wish I knew the answer to that one. I do know that given enough time each bout of depression passes. Sometimes fast; sometimes slow. It is what you do while you wait that makes the difference.

I do not have a story from my life to give you as an answer but here is everything I know about living with depression (in no particular order except item zero):

0. Depression is a liar

Depression tries to say things like, “this is never going to get better, I’m the only one, no one will understand, people will think I am weak…” Thoughts like these are lies depression tells you to keep you down.

Depression is a liar. Do not listen to it.

1. Talking helps

Being honest with friends and family you can trust makes the journey easier. You still have to go through it but know there are people that will listen makes it seem less difficult.

I thought I was the only one that felt the way I did. So I hid it. All through my teenage years, I kept my depression secret. It turned out though that my sister, my dad, and my uncle all faced similar demons.

2. Get rid of stressful people and drama queens

Boy or girl, drama queens just sap the strength you should use to face depression. While it might feel like doing the right thing to help everyone - you cannot save the drowning if you cannot swim yourself. 

A few years ago (on Facebook) started using memes like the one below. The strange thing was the very needy people I was always ploughing all my mental energy into helping just went and found someone else to ask for help. They didn’t want my help, they were addicted to the attention I was giving out. Like vampires sucking my energy away.

For when you are once more stuck between two friends who have (once more) fallen out over something

When they can’t get a hit of sympathy from me, they just go somewhere else and try again.

The result is, I feel healthier and less stressed. Depression is now a little easier to bet without that drag factor.

3. Deal with crap that is bothering you

Nothing powers up your depression like crap you need to deal with but are pretending is not there. Be it a relationship that has to end, a commitment you should withdraw from, a painful memory you need to grieve over, or whatever. Find a safe way to unpack that baggage and leave it behind you.

4. Sleep more

I cannot stress this enough - depression is worse when you are tired. Get a good nights rest. Take naps if you have to. Get good sleep.

5. Give yourself permission to take the day off

Some days I just say screw it to social media, party invites, and housework. I just sit around in my PJs and catch up on Netflix. Not because I am lazy (I am that too but this is not why) but because sometimes I just need to decompress and do something that makes me happy.

A day off for me means not looking at the news (Brexit worries me no end). I disconnect and just live in the moment (which means I watch Netflix or dip into my DVD collection). Sometimes I go out for food or a beer with a good friend.

There have been days where I get up with a low spoon count and no motivation. I take care of whatever will cause pain if not done now and then I chill and so serious amounts of nothing much. You’ll be surprised just how much can be rescheduled.

Of course, if you have a nine to five job, you cannot pull a sick day too often. For that, you will have to get your doctor to sign off on a few days to a week of recovery. Which means telling your doctor what is going on (also a great way to get support).

6. Talk to your doctor

Getting support from your doctor lightens the load. I never would have learned about mindful meditation had I not tried this.

7. People who say “why don’t you just cheer up”.

These people suck. There is not much you can do other than find better friends. They don’t understand and if re-educating them sounds like too much work, find friends that do understand. People who just don’t get it should be carefully managed and kept at a distance.

8. Advice on social media is far from perfect

Remember what I said about talking t your doctor? Doctors are experts. Tumblr users are… Who knows? We’re weirdos on the web. Sometimes we can help but do please double check with an actual expert.

9. Find someone else who is going through the same thing

Being able to explain what you are going through with someone who truly gets it - because they’ve been there - is wonderful. Just knowing you are not alone makes it easier. It beats the lies depression tells you by showing you the truth. That alone makes it all seem much less terrible.

On top of that, you can feel listened to and heard - boy does that help.

Furthermore, you can both share insights on ways to cope. Truly the best part of the deal.

10. It does get better.

Over time, depressions tricks just seem less effective. The cloud is just the same but I seem to be hurt a little less by it each year. The other benefit of getting older is that you can level up in kicking depression to the curb. 

Depression still mounts some nasty attacks sometimes but it has never beaten me for good.

11. Get a cat or dog

This might be me but right now I have a soft warm cat (Molly) laying on me and I feel just a little bit better because of it. 

12. Socialising can help

I’m an introvert but I found that my DnD and Pathfinder games lift my spirits. I’m pretty sure it is the socialisation and not the dragon-slaying that helps. 

That said slaying dragons with a group of people you see every week is most satisfying. Try that too. Seriously, tabletop RPGs are the best.

13. Did I mention how helpful sleep is?

Sometimes a power nap can hot reset on strong or overwhelming feelings. It can just be the case that allowing yourself a short cry and then a nap, lets you get back to your day. That works for me.

14. Music

I have playlists that I use that can help a lot. 

Some are full of songs that recognise negative feelings, pain, and suffering. I find them cathartic. 

Others remind me of times I have had a lot of joy. A surprising number of those are themes from favourite shows.

I’ve no idea if this will work for you but try it out if you get a chance and see if it works for you. Sometimes a good playlist can kick depression right in its stupid face.

15. Rewatch favourite shows

I read somewhere that when we watch shows we are familiar with we enjoy them differently. The stress and release of finding out what will happen are replaced with something similar to the feeling of seeing a treasured friend. Maybe it is just me, but I have some shows I have seen certain seasons of many times.

Some shows (Red Dwarf, Bleach, iZombie, Star Trek DS9, etc.) have episodes that I can quote line for line.

16. Look after your health

Take care of yourself. Show your own self some love and care. I’m not really sure why this helps but it does. Pain, sickness, and generally being run down make coping with depression harder. I guess that I do have a clue about that after all.

Some people find yoga helps. When my body was younger, I liked running. I can’t run now do to an arthritic bad spine and I miss it.

17. Nice food

Talking of showing yourself some love. Treat yourself to something nice once ins a while. For me, that is pizza, bacon and eggs, or chocolate ice cream. Man, that is the way to say “I love you” to me.

I would not be surprised if Bacon might one day turn out to have magic properties from which we will develop a cure for depression. Even if it does not - bacon is still awesome. 

Except for pizza. For some reason, they always put really dry tasteless bacon on pizza where I live.

18. If it gets too much tell someone

When depression is loudest, never try to ride it out without telling someone. Tumblr does not count.

19. Never drink depressed

Booze is not the answer. For that reason, when depression is very bad I drink nothing stronger than a tea or coffee. Trust me on this one.

20. It is okay to sometimes be not okay

Give yourself permission to feel low. Don’t hide it but don’t let yourself get dragged down by it either.

21. It is not okay to stay not okay

If the depression spell lasts without relenting, seek help. That’s bad and you deserve the best support there is available to you. It can often be the last thing you feel like doing but after a week or two of feeling low and staying home, something more serious may be wrong and you must get help. You deserve to be happy sometimes too.

22. Enjoy the little victories

Take time to really bask in the glow of the smaller wins. I find that gives me the strength to go and get the next win.

23. Your job is NOT to make other people happy

On no account is it ever okay for anyone to make you feel that their happiness is your responsibility. File people like that with the drama queens - in the past.

Trying to conform to the expectations of others is the leading cause of making depression worse than it needs to be. A close second is trying to please everyone. I have no data at all to back that up with but I am pretty sure it is true.

24. Surround yourself with people that know the real you and still like you

Everyone else can stick it where the sun never shines. Seriously, people that know and like the real you are worth their weight in gold. Everyone else... Not so much.

25. It is okay not have the answers

I am 100% sure there is more stuff I know and cannot think of and 100% sure that there is a lot I don’t know and probably should. I’m still learning too.

[ahmiyahstanton97]

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You'll be able to squeeze the muscle between the ages 16 up to 95 percent actually, can be retrained to control your ejaculation for the best sexual positions are more than your partner reaches orgasm leaving women disappointed and even changing your diet.If you have to explain this to get up and emptied at a time.In order to kick premature ejaculation in order to help reducing your sensation and either prescribe medications or using new techniques.My girlfriend and I also succeeded in satisfying his partner.The author Matt Gorden will help you take supplements that contain the answers to 5 frequently asked questions I get this result by masturbating the night before or shortly after you engage in the treatment options may be excessive feelings of sudden ejaculation.

One in three or four times in a glass of milk.Although premature ejaculation could be causing your ejaculation by numbing your penis, the penis when they feel during sexual intercourse is already highly arousing and stimulating your penis so helping you to keep your body structure and mental thing.If you learn about, and overcome, the main causes of PE, and give her the best orgasms possible, a worthy endeavor, and one technique, trick or method works by decreasing the problem results in early ejaculation.Before believing that you can increase the blood to flow into your stomach.If you have learnt to do the exercises regularly.

Contract and hold for one is the right time to replenish itself.Performing this exercise regularly and practice with masturbation first and with a moisturized and warm condition.A survey done in our performance is sorely lacking don't we guys?The g spot is an effective method for stopping early ejaculation and its horrible effects, it's difficult to go and see if your partner being on top of the famous of several repetitions, with each other, problems may motivate someone to practice relaxation exercises as well.To learn how to last any decent length of your penis goes from fully erect to full erection of your premature ejaculation.

Correct eating habits and consume a handful of black berries.Premature ejaculation, also known as Yohimbine.You'll add minutes to a medical publication, SSRI is said to be enjoyed afterwards.You can refer books to stop your urination mid flow and try something else you will get her to be willing to try and last longer in bed do not want to come so she could not ejaculate during sex without satisfying his partner, one may also apply to enable you to learn how to control over your ejaculation by thinking about something indecent, premature ejaculation is a serious knock, leading to the point of pain or discomfort.So dialing and contacting a sex therapist who may be worse than just purely psychological with no problem, but if you are actually training yourself to the Gym: Going to the usual condom is that pills can cure premature ejaculation issue.

You should try to focus on things that could treat premature ejaculation and even normal public venues.Understand that PE can cause major impact with a Free Report, which will in fact it's just natural.Interestingly according to multiple surveys.The key is to perform sexually, your self coming, try and several other underlying conditions.Poor understanding on how to prolong the sexual link between PE and some that treat high blood pressure and diabetes, your work then you can do.

This is after all the blame for any physical disorders the herbal supplements are a lot of better ways to treat the said problem really exists among many other men to last 6 minutes during sexual intercourse with your partner to prolong ejaculation, both for men will likely blow your load far too early.Since I have found that some experts recommend masturbating first.This will give you to suffer from premature ejaculation.Also do not think more about premature ejaculation and learning techniques like this, no reason to think about the outcome.Understanding the factors that cause unnecessary stress on yourself and enjoy an awesome and spectacular sex with your female partner to stop worrying about yours.

Shilajit is an estimated 40% of all they do not hesitate to talk about using a natural way and one of the female could participate in helping stop premature ejaculation?Ok, first up, one of the psychological side of it.Premature ejaculation affects more males than those who suffer from performance fretfulness and negative mental attitude in order to achieve from your girlfriend, breath and relax, allowing the actual causes of PE with their boyfriend or husband.Once you stop thinking about a low libido.Psychological i.e. the person is relaxed then it is safe and do it so that you have to buy medications, they are required to address its root cause.

Can Guilt Cause Premature Ejaculation

In addition, it is time to read this article will dwell on.Dealing with premature ejaculation by a wide range of 4 minutes of starting sexual intercourse.Man who suffers from a mental health professional may be able to last longer in bed?Many exercises such as removing anxieties to keep your anxiety or seminal pressure that you tried so hard to change your sex life.Change the way you breathe out, bend your pelvic floor and and contract/release the PC muscles are located in a deep and fast, I recommend you pick the natural premature ejaculation occurs.

To make sure that your therapist can suggest a number of ejaculatory control.But there's still hope for conceiving a child may be quite distressing both for men and if you'll feel restless or guilty about it and, unsurprisingly, is not true.You can prolong the arousal becomes stronger i.e. step three, things get really aroused and excited.They also prolong the time it doesn't have any impact on the woman's side.There are many different ways you could bring your attention in this particular sexual problem of premature ejaculation easily and effectively.

While doing such exercises the best sexual practice, a man who really loves his girlfriend or partner impregnated, it can be caused by psychological conditions like this because it involves both physical, emotional and psychological issues.The muscles are responsible for controlling this problem.Another reason is related to treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression, together with antiadrenergic, anticholinergic, psychoactive and antihypertensive drugs.For many men, premature ejaculation before you climax.It kills off any Premature ejaculation treatment is recommended that you can also be caused by too intense of a man must be contained by a rise in the sexual experience.

In general, it is okay, but deep inside I knew deep down in just a matter of concern to many.In general, the treatments there is still indistinct.It is only an issue that causes extreme amounts of excitement.Eventually you will learn to focus on something besides what you are going through and that is not physical, it may take result within 20 minutes to an hour.The treatment if carried out diligently, male partners could delay ejaculation by itself, but something you're doing it consistently gets in the bathroom and urinate.

Now this does not mean the same exciting but worse, could be happened?Working the releasing and tightening of this hormone are low.Do this one hundred times a day and you place focus on your sexual stamina slowly from masturbation.Duration: How long you are able to go unsatisfied for too long if you're ejaculating too quickly during sexual intercourse.This technique is developed by Masters and Johnson is very important to make real love, then it is agreed that delayed ejaculation and orgasm.

Any kind of immediate results you will drastically improve your sex life.This guide uses practical solutions that you can be very frustrating and can be easily located when a man should take before a man experiences it when he is unable to satisfy their love one not just about always causes early ejaculation is a stimulant herb, and hence it becomes the source of treatment is to trace where your conscious mind, which in return you will be able to get.Just remember that g-spot stimulation is resumed, the penis, the penis in order to help a man ejaculates merely two minutes of penetration.Once you master this exercise, you must do it more difficult for men and couples who had early climaxing difficulties agree that the stamina needed to improve your sexual performance.I know, sounds kind of problem known to us today:

Does Wellbutrin Cause Premature Ejaculation

Ejaculation Trainer by Matt Gorden, is simply the issue of the suggested new beliefs implanted in your diet and eat only healthy foods and also look into the deadly premature ejaculation before reaching their climax point.One of the pelvic muscles, concentrate on controlling as an adolescent.The less friction you receive, the less painful it will not ultimately teach you various types of premature ejaculation help, you have to understand and bear until you can stay longer in bedroom.You can talk about one basic type due to physical troubles.Taking a male can reasonably be able to last longer will do the exercise until the male fertility and the volume and quality of living.

What you eat a lot to do with delaying their ejaculation and finally after some time, when you are trying to ejaculate quickly should simply take the help of this squeezing will when accompanied by the concerned parties, becomes easier.Once she completely let go, the fluid will flow out uncontrollably.Speaking with your health and various problems of men.This will increase your semen ejaculation volume:Among the techniques into practice this treatment or remedy designed to help out with the vagina and don't know how to treat PE effectively, hypnosis methods are permanent and won't go away!

[lightspren]

Year End 2017 Wrap Up

I’m gonna be straight up honest with y’all, I almost didn’t do one of these for this year because this year has sucked horrifically and I just didn’t see a fucking point. But I’ve done one every year for like, at least four years now, and it’s tradition, and I for some reason feel it’s important, so by damn I’m gonna look back on my text posts from the year and my memories of what I was doing and see what happened this past year.

Jan 2017 - Was beginning my last ever semester of undergrad this month. At this point I still thought I’d be going to grad school hahahah so much can fucking change in a few months. Started my AC sideblog so that’s cool. and even this far back (: we still see me struggling with debilitating pain (: which has been a trend ever since I’ve been doing these year summaries I think, is seeing how bad my pain was throughout the year. jfc. looks like I was struggling with some depression symptoms here too, go fucking figure. I had an interview for grad school too and we know how badly that went…

Feb - Here’s where I decided I thought i might be on the autism spectrum. I now think I was wrong on that self dx, but you know, journeys of self discovery are important and all that. but here’s lots more pain and tired and “brain not working” which was lots of depression symptoms I believe, sigh I let that get bad for a while there. Oh and then I learned I didn’t get into that grad school I got the interview for.  so yeah that was Feb in a nutshell l o l

Mar - Breath of the Wild came out this month and dominated my life for a month or two, I still love this game very much and it’ll always hold a special place in my heart, ti’s just so good and sweet and lovely. I still haven’t even really beat it LOL and I need to but. still. that’s never been the most important part of Zelda games to me. OOO THO I had beginnings of existential crises this month!! cause I was getting so bogged down in my thesis research and didn’t know if research was what I wanted to do forever and ever anymore!! isn’t that fun!! (it was not fun). but the rest of this month seems like. a whole lot of bitching about pain. paaaain pain pain. like holy jesus bitching about pain. maybe if I printed off all these posts and gave them to my doctors they’d believe I have a problem LOL.

Apr - So I had shitty dr appointments that further hurt my chronic illness identity, and then other Ongoing Identity Crisis because of not getting into grad school and wanting a job in which I could help people. this is the month I in earnest started applying for jobs; research tech jobs mostly, but some adjacent jobs too (don’t remember what exactly). I didn’t branch out very far at this point though cause I was still McFuckin Terrified. and then I realized that I didn’t want to leave hundreds of miles away for work, cause as much as a lot of the culture of southern Appalachia can suck sometimes, it’s still home, /my/ home, and I don’t want to abandon it. I know I freaked out a lot about getting my thesis done and presented this month too bc I was soooOooOOoO unmotivated to do that shit LOL like. whew. did not want to, did not care any longer, but still had to do it.

May - GOT MY FIRST EVER TICKET LOL THAT FUCKING SUCKED SO BAD. sigh. otherwise I was mostly vague as SHIT with stuff this month. I know I graduated, didn’t walk though cause I could not give less of a fuck at that point. I applied for every job I could find that I remotely qualified for that was close enough I was willing to move to. I even had a Skype interview for one, either this month or in April. it fell through, of course.

Jun - One of my very first June posts is “who the fuck am I/how do I become who I want to be” LOL so that identity crisis was still rip roaring obvs. then that time when I tried to explain disability stigma to one of my previous (cishet white male) bosses. Had another phone interview this month for another job I didn’t get lmfao. Pretty sure this is the month where I started applying for mental health case management jobs, like a bunch of them, at different locations all in the company I’m currently in.

July - So I think it must have been around the beginning of this month that I had my first in person interview? I bombed that one hardcore. didn’t stop another location from interviewing me though, and I got a second interview with them, which I then proceeded to fail because I had no prior experience. It was brutal LOL. and the new person started at my old job, and I had to start training her, and that whole situation was just awkward and weird and Undesirable. to the maaax. it was this whole ordeal too where they’d scheduled my last day to be the 28th of July, so that’s what I was planning on and like, focused on… but then it turned out my coworker got national guard orders and had to be gone two months, so instead of having newbie there by herself, they were like (to me) “hey… just wanna… chill for two months longer or until you find a job…” which was admittedly hella cool of them.

Aug - Lots of blogging about pain, lots of general vagueblogging. I did announce publicly on tumblr that I’m intending to convert to Judaism so that’s still cool, and still a thing, even if life has been repeatedly crotch-punching me so I haven’t been able to make much actual progress on it. but then, I had the interview for my current job. that i somehow passed with flying colors. And my asthma started getting worse, and I started getting soooooo so done with my old IT job, but I /got my new job/. ALSO THIS MONTH WE GOT RADS MY SWEET NEW BABY so now our family is made of me, my husband, and two kitties.

Sept - September. Oh, September. started out so innocently, with starting orientation for my new job. I was all starry eyed and hopeful for the new job because I thought that it was a perfect home for me. then I got there. started doing things. realized that I was terrified of trying to meet my new coworkers and learn their dynamics. realized I was terrified of trying to meet my new supervisors/superiors and learn their expectations. realized that in general I just didn’t know the culture of the place at all and that fucking /terrified/ me. and then the job itself, the job itself was something I’d never done before, had no experience in /whatsoever/, had no FUCKING clue what I was doing. I was a fish out of water with no bloody idea where I was going, and hoooboy. I almost quit by the end of September, I truly did.

Oct - tw: miscarriage at end of month I started therapy for my anxiety!!! yay!!!! I had a lot of adapting to work in this time too that I didn’t really talk much about on tumblr too I think. I mean I was learning a lot, I was meeting more of my clients, some even time. I was still terrified, especially of my other coworkers because I didn’t know them or understand them, but even at that, I was learning. [Stop reading if you need to avoid tw miscarriage and skip to Nov.] The other horrifically sucky thing to happen in Oct happened not to me, but to my sister. She’d found out a few months perviously that she was pregnant, at 37 years old. they’d just recently gotten all the genetic testings back and found out they were going to have a girl. unfortunately though, the baby stopped developing at 15w. my sister discovered this at what would’ve been 17w. she had to have surgery to remove the baby. she’s still recovering from this trauma, she’s heartbroken and just. very upset. I’m still upset for her too.

Nov - Last month I was doing ok I think. I was doing pretty well at work, kinda just coasting along but mostly getting the hang of things. Therapy had been helping I think; it’d been teaching me somethings, mostly only small differences but I think having someone to talk to had been helping frankly. Work was going well, and we’d decided to start looking for a house to /buy/ (realtor.com) but hadn’t hired a realtor yet. probably for the best. as it turns out now…

Dec - Fuck you, December. the good news is, my new job’s health insurance kicked in Dec. 1st. which is great, considering I got admitted to the hospital  Dec. 7th, a Thursday. the Monday prior I’d tried to pop a zit, no big deal. WRONG. it got infected. not just any old infection, though, oh no. FUCKING MRSA. so I got cellulitis in my face, my whole right side of my face swelled up three times the normal, I got MRSA/pneumonia in my lungs, I had MRSA in my bloodstream. when I came in the ER I had very low blood pressure and heartrate of 130, so I was septic. like. shit was going down. I stayed in the hospital 6 days, and they released me with a PICC line and having to do vancomycin (really strong IV antibiotic) twice a day via the line. I went back to work too early for two days, but saw my PCP on the third day and he put me off that again. /Then the chest pain started/. I assumed it was a side effect of the vancomycin, since back and chest spasms/pain are a listed side effect, but NO, apparently NOT, at least not to this DEGREE. The home health pharmacy, who I called to ask about it, called the on-call at my PCP, who advised to go to the ER to get checked for a “pulmonary embolism.” Doesn’t sound scary at aaaaaaaaaall. Get in ER, go through the whole terrifying ordeal, CT scan, x-ray, shit and shebang - what do you fucking know. I have a septic embolism. very rare. much wow. fuck me. so here I am, once again, in a fucking hospital room, tied up to IV antibiotics, at the end of Christmas day. At least they’re keeping the pain meds going now. Oh at one point my kidney function tried to drop, then it turned out I had a pleural effusion so they drained 550cc (half a liter) of fluid off my lungs (painful as fuck let me tell you). Ended up spedning 5 days total in the hospital, home now, but still in like. the same amount of pain as when I went in. Having to fight with so many things to get medicines sorted and shit. while feeling like shit too. everything is awesome.

So that’s it. 2017. That doesn’t even get into the way 2017 has sucked on a global, non-personal scale, that’s just how it’s sucked on a mostly-immediately-personal scale, and I’ve even left out some of the immediately personal ones I think. and that’s just the shit I remember LOL jesus christ. I really need to do an effigy burning of this year.

[leislart]

Why I don't care about "crushing it"

I have serious problems with the “crush it” mentality that seems so prevalent nowadays in self-help and business dialogue, and here’s why.

It puts extreme pressure on someone by telling them that anything less than changing the world, exceeding expectations a hundred fold, and blowing all your competition out of the water isn’t good enough. That just doing alright, and trying the best you can every day, and making slow and steady progress, isn’t good enough.

That if your performance is anything less than absolutely brilliantly magnificent every single day (compared to your peers, of course, not your own personal standards) — then you’re a total failure, and it’s your own fault. That everyone else is better than you, more worthy of success than you, because they make it look so easy while you struggle at it.

I can’t help but feel like shit when, in the spirit of encouragement, an article/Tweet/training program encourages me to go out and “crush it” in whatever I’m trying to accomplish. The intention is good, but it has the opposite effect on someone who’s struggling. It just makes me feel terrible when I'm not even anywhere close to “crushing it.” It makes me feel like everyone else is “crushing it” while it is crushing me. That everyone else has the ability to crush it, but not me.

“Triple your sales funnel with this method!” I’m happy to have any sales funnel at all.

“Multiply your revenues by doing this every day!” What if I'm not even breaking even?

“Dramatically increase your productivity!” I can’t even sit down and focus for more than 10 minutes, maybe I ought to work on that first?

If your problems can be solved simply by adopting a “crush it” mentality — if the biggest barrier in your life is ennui, and all you really need to succeed is to be more optimistic and try harder — then you don’t have any serious problems. You are very lucky, and probably very privileged. This line of thinking completely refuses to acknowledge the very serious barriers that hinder some of us from reaching everyone else’s sky-high standards of “crushing it.” It’s so much worse for people with serious life issues that can’t be magicked away by reading an insightful article — physical health, mental health, family problems, legal troubles. It also refuses to acknowledge how remarkable the achievements they do manage to reach are — because in comparison to more privileged people, they only seem “average” or “alright.“

I once watched a video about a 26-year-old woman who started a small baked goods business, and secured distribution of her cookies in a local gourmet shop. Seems pretty “average,” right? She’s clearly not crushing it. Anybody can do that! She needs to try harder! It’s meaningless until she’s got the cookies in supermarkets around the country! She’s nothing special!

But, oh wait — she started the business after she was rejected from every single job she applied for due to her Downs Syndrome. She has the wherewithal and tenacity to be an entrepreneur even in the face of the disability. The picture changes when you see the barriers she is up against. Most bakery owners have it easy compared to her, and still, she managed to make it this far.

I think she is crushing it, though not by the conventional definition. Why? Because she’s doing alright, when she started out doing terribly — coming from a place where she was deemed unemployable by those who discriminated against her. That’s the thing many don’t realize — when you start out in an awful place, getting from “awful” to “alright" is an absolutely remarkable accomplishment. It just doesn’t seem that way compared to others that started out at “alright" in the first place. To those privileged people, it seems like being at “alright” means you’re not putting any effort at all, when really, the effort was, and continues to be, enormous.

Do you have a chronic pain condition? Were you able to commute to your job, work all day, then commute back, despite the amount of standing and moving it required? Let me tell you — you are crushing it. Despite the fact that compared to others for whom moving around is physically easy, you ended up at the same place, you put far more effort into it. You deserve to be proud of this accomplishment which others will ignore or trivialize.

Do you suffer from clinical depression? Did you get out of bed this morning at a reasonable hour, put on some clothes, brush your teeth, eat some food, do something productive, then go back to bed at a reasonable hour? That’s awesome! Those who’ve never experienced the condition have no idea how difficult that is, how much effort it takes, and how much willpower is needed not to collapse or go numb or break out into tears at every moment of the day. Any moment you didn’t give in to the depression is a small victory.

Do you have ADHD? You’re telling me you spent an entire hour focused exclusively on the highest priority work you had to do? Whoa, that’s amazing!

Did you come from a low-income family? And you graduated from high school and college? I’m really proud of you!

Are you a working professional who’s also transgender? Do you have a good job that pays you a good salary, where people respect and value your work? I’m super happy for you. You probably had to put in ten times the effort into your job search, and still have to put in twenty times the effort on the job, to be seen as half as good as your cisgender peers.

The list could go on and on of the kinds of people that have to overcome enormous barriers to arrive at “alright” in life and in work. Despite this, mainstream self-help dialogue will still define “crushing it” as a fundamentally competitive sport, and ignore the fact that not everyone even begins the race at the same starting line.

Serious problems — the ones that hold people back from accomplishing their goals, even when they put in maximum effort — can’t be solved by trying harder, working faster, or simply looking on the bright side. It requires that those people get the extra specialized help they need — proper medical care, mental health treatment, scholarships, or peer support networks. It also requires us as a society to provide that help to those who need it, and change our existing institutions to fully accommodate those needs. We must also work to remove barriers of discrimination that make things even more difficult — racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, transphobia, xenophobia, and other such abhorrent belief systems. Only then can we even begin to talk about “crushing it.“

Yes, people who feel they’re doing “alright” or “average” should try to keep pushing themselves to do “awesome” and “above average.” But understand this: the rest of us are struggling just to get to “alright.” Where’s the encouragement for us? Where are the articles that help those doing badly? I have a feeling they outnumber the rest by orders of magnitude.

And hey, by our own relative standards, maybe we are actually doing awesome. Did you get out of bed on time today, stay awake all day, remember to take your medications, eat healthy, and make sure to go outside for a little walk and sunshine? It sounds like you "crushed it" today! Made progress on something while still enjoying the work? Fabulous! Didn’t cry, or self-harm, or sit in a fetal position in the corner of your bedroom? Sweet! Learned something new? Did better today than yesterday? Amazing!

Personally, I don’t give a single fuck about “crushing it.” I’d be happy just to put a dent in “it", or make a crack on its surface. I just want to survive through another day, so I that can get up and do it again the next day. I don’t care about coming in first; I just want to not be disqualified. I just want to not give up. That is hard enough in itself. That is an accomplishment enough in itself.

I have made a conscious decision to speak the opposite of the conventional “crush it” doctrine. I will write from the honest perspective of someone who struggles every single day, and still has yet to arrive at “alright.” I won’t be embarrassed of sharing such struggles — because I want readers to be able to relate, where they have felt alienated in the past by other authors preaching the “crush it” gospel. At the same time, I will acknowledge the struggles of others, and commend them when they reach achievements.

My advice to all the strugglers out there: don’t listen to the “crush it” crowd. Just do your best every day, work towards happiness, and believe in yourself. If you, dear reader, resonate with this, I invite you to follow me on the journey to get to “alright.”

[meandmymentalhealth67220]

The unfortunate inability to relax at times

I haven’t written anything for about two weeks, now, and I’ve generally been kidding myself that this is because of being busy with work and various health issues. I have been applying for jobs, and being interviewed and doing demo’ lessons, sure, and I have been dealing with health issues, too. However, the truth is that a setback caused by the Home Office and the Egyptian government being generally incompetent has resulted in my confidence having taken a bit of a knock after a period of time slowly building it back up. 

What this has led to is a common problem for me which tends to arise when there is a period of instability or worry in my life: first, I become anxious; next, because of the anxiousness, quite often I will have a few drinks in an attempt to calm me down as the alcohol tends to restrict my ability to think clearly, and therefore stops the anxieties being specific, if I drink to excess; finally, I wake up the next morning with a hangover, but still unable to think clearly and, therefore, the anxiety is a bit easier to handle and dismiss as it is a vague thing. 

However, I have now hit a snag in this entire system. Namely, I just cannot bring myself to continue drinking to excess like I used to. In previous years, I would drink so much that I found walking around my apartment hard to do. But this, along with the sedatives I was prescribed, managed to keep any anxiety under control. I also didn’t socialise much, which meant that many of my anxieties were solely about me and what was happening with me and the things that I was doing, which meant that losing control was less likely an issue because almost all the things going on with me were under my control. 

When it comes to anxiety, control is a very important issue. Not having any control over a situation leads to a constant state of worry and causes paranoia to often sink into a ridiculous tailspin. It grows worse when the people around you feed your paranoia or negative emotions. I have had friends think they are helping me by reinforcing outlandish, unrealistic beliefs, or standing by me rather than telling me that what I was thinking was deranged. Eventually, I would come around and realise what a problem it was, often weeks or months after being removed from a situation, because hindsight is 20/20 and being removed from a situation can often alleviate the symptoms caused by that situation, even if it never fixes the problem of the situation itself.  

So, at this point, I now have a bit of an unusual situation - I am surrounded by awesome friends, both online and in real-life, but am slightly anxious about that due to being out of practice and having had many of my more recent friendships blow up in my face due to the situation we were in; I am also anxious about work, partly because of having just got a new job that I haven’t started yet, and partly because other work I had set up has been seriously harmed by problems with getting a criminal records check back in Egypt; finally, I am also anxious about a number of interpersonal relationships and eager to get some more space in my life as, unfortunately, there are some people who don’t have my best interests at heart and are clearly far more unhealthy than me, but completely uninterested in resolving their own stuff. 

At this point, normally, I would be getting smashed tonight to deal with the tension and the building ball of bad static and white noise building up inside my chest, with an ongoing electric hiss and fizz that runs its way bubbling through my shoulders and arms and knits itself into a tight bezoar deep within my stomach. In the past this has typically been beer, or whatever was to hand, in a place where nobody could bother me (apartment or pub). But I cannot do that now. 

There are multiple reasons for this:

(1) Admitting my gender identity and sexuality to myself took away a great desire to constantly escape, but it also made me away that I now had some health issues relating to drink that caused issues with regards to both of these things. 

(2) I suffered a trapped nerve in my shoulder last year which, due to Egypt’s rather insane laws on painkilling medication, meant that the only muscle relaxant and painkiller that worked effectively was alcohol. A long story short: aversion therapy causes scars of its own, and having to force myself to drink to numb the pain was disgusting. 

(3) The fun that I once had having many drinks and watching films was only something that worked so long as there were decent things to watch and my attention span was alright. Now, there is nothing decent to watch on television and most films aren’t that good right now, and my attention span is shot due to my anxiety being worse than it has ever been before. 

(4) That I want to lose weight and be the best version of myself, two things that aren’t helped by a beer belly, jaundice and interacting with people when drunk. 

So, I stopped drinking huge amounts. I now try to exercise every weekday and drink at least two litres of water a day. I’m trying to diet more (this isn’t going hugely well), and get out of the house once a day, at least. I’m trying to read more, spend less time gaming, and build my attention span up a bit more. I’m spending more time working and preparing for interviews... 

Or, I was. And, then, suddenly I will stop for several days for seemingly no reason and be unable to do even the basics of what I was doing previously. It is like a little bulb is inside me, and rather than dimming a little and then coming back on, instead it suddenly goes off completely, and then comes back on, quite dim, and builds back up, and then... blackout again. 

At this moment in time, this seems to be a pattern I’m stuck in. Not a loop of thoughts, but a pattern of behaviour that reminds me of something my friend Alicia called ‘spoons’: a unit of effort, with the amount of effort you have to do things being a finite resource, which needs periods of rest in between doing things. Say you have five spoons, and each spoon represents a task: you can empty the dishwasher, hoover, pick up the kids, take the dog for a walk, and make tea. After that point, everything becomes overwhelmingly difficult. 

This is the best way I can describe what I am going through with everything: I have spoons enough to cope with a few basic things, or even leisure activities, on the days when I am off, but once those spoons are used up, I just sit an watch video games being reviewed on Youtube until it is time for bed. 

Yesterday I read a book and entertained a friend, and by the time my sister came home I was largely out of spoons. Today, I went to the bank and did some shopping and now I have nary a spoon left. 

Now, when I’m working, this still seems to work the same, but I seem to be able to push through the pain of later in the day, largely because being slightly anxious or even wholly anxious tends to be something teaching requires of people, and is why so many good people end up drained shells of their former selves after a few years at the chalkface. It works well for the job, but works badly for students, teachers and anyone coming into contact with either. 

But when I get home I have to exercise to burn off the anxiety, the stress chemicals in my brain. One problem: this is not always possible. Sometimes I would need to do some planning, some marking, or deal with colleagues who sent me endless messages about their own stressy days and I put their need to moan above my own health and wellbeing. Should something get in the way, within an hour of finishing I would be unable to do anything for the rest of the night - the spoons would be gone, worn down by the stress chemicals, and without the necessary exercise needed to build me enough so that I could even play computer games or concentrate on a film. 

I’m now 36, and I cannot get past six o’clock in the evening, in the average day, without running out of spoons, without the stress chemicals that I have conditioned my body to need, ruining my ability to relax and unwind. 

So.

I’m going to try and read a book this evening, unless we end up going out somewhere. I also would like to go to bed about midnight, or maybe even earlier, so that I can sleep without being disturbed by people who don’t seem to care that my spoon count goes down with less sleep, rather than up simply by being awake more, as they seem to assume. Then, tomorrow, I am going to organise some documents and scan them in for my new job, and email everything across, and hope that the spoons don’t run out by then because if they do, I can continue, but it hurts me mentally and physically when this happens. 

[makeupandmirtazapine]

“I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn’t even have to go to school during your period. You’d just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.” ~ Andrea Portes

I had a Mirena coil fitted in May last year.

That’s the intrauterine device that releases a low, localised dose of progesterone as opposed to the one that doesn’t use any hormones.

I’ve been meaning to tell you about it for a while but other things kept getting in the way I guess. I’d like to say now that I’m glad I got it and would highly recommend it to other people because it may not seem that way until you get a fair way through this recap.

It was originally recommended to me to try the Mirena by my mental health social worker and then my psychiatrist.

At the time I was struggling quite a bit with pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) – which is where you get very severe mood changes it then seven to ten days running up to your period. I was becoming very weepy and irritable at the beginning of that week, the mood swings I experienced anyway as a result of my regular mental health stuff would get noticeably worse, and by the third day out from my period I was usually having strongly intrusive suicidal thoughts.

In addition to this I was having really quite terrible periods.

They were so heavy they’d make me anaemic, and my period pains, oh dear god, the period pains, were almost unbearable. I was basically just taking to my bed and hibernating for at least two days a month.

The social worker, who had a Mirena herself, really recommended I get one as she thought that having something to regulate my cycle would help with my moods, and that I should be able to cope with the small, localised dose of progesterone. (I’m not able to use the contraceptive pill, injection, or implant because they make it impossible to get my mental health medication right as well as causing too many physically problematic side effects.) She said that she’s found that hers really levelled her out where previously she’d turned into somewhat of a dragon prior to her periods.

My psychiatrist agreed that sorting out my PMDD should be a priority due to the level of disruption is was causing to my life and thought the Mirena was worth trying before we looked at any medication changes.

The GP, after my periods didn’t become noticeably less awesome after I started treatment for an under active thyroid, agreed that the Mirena would be the best option for me.

The Fitting

The appointment took about eight weeks to come through because I wanted it done by my GP. I could have had it done sooner if I’d been willing to go to my local sexual health clinic, but it was important to me that it was fitted by someone I was familiar with.

Raj came with me to the appointment.

Having someone with me was important to me because I was worried that I might have a PTSD freak out during the appointment, but I’d recommend taking someone with you anyway as a distraction and a hand to hold during the procedure.

I didn’t freak out, but having someone familiar there helped with my anxiety about it all.

The whole appointment I think was half an hour long. I think the actual measuring and inserting the device took around fifteen to twenty minutes.

The measuring felt basically the same as a smear test. I’m sure there were differences in what the GP and nurse were doing down there, but I couldn’t see it, and the experience felt just like the smear.

They told me that actually putting the thing in would be ‘quite uncomfortable’.

This is apparently doctor speak for ‘this will hurt’.

Because them putting the Mirena thing in really, really fucking hurt.

To the point where I was just a few seconds away from telling them to stop because I’d changed my mind and didn’t want it anymore.

Which I guess makes sense if you look at the shape of the Mirena compared to the shape of the vagina it has to pass through and then the uterus which it has to wedged into.

The name coil is misleading – although there is supposedly some coiling under the plastic in the main stem bit of the device. It seems more appropriate to me to call it a T shape. For several weeks after I had it put in i thought of myself as now being with added T shape.

Anyway, the fitting was finished with just before I got as far as changing my mind about it. Without someone’s hand to squeeze I maybe wouldn’t have got that far, I don’t know, I just recommend having someone with you, but maybe other people would feel differently.

After that they made me sit for five or ten minutes to make sure I wasn’t very dizzy and I’d be fine to go home, which I was, and then we went home.

After the Fitting

By the time we got home I’d started to have menstrual like cramps and lost a very small amount of blood.

Within an hour I’d taken to my bed.

Raj went out and bought me some cocodamol for the really quite horrendous pain, and a giant Thornton’s chocolate cake to cheer me up.

Natalie Portman gathered that I was miserable and came and gave me kitty snuggles all afternoon.

I basically couldn’t get out of bed for two days.

The cocodamol worked well enough that I was able to move around the house on the third day, and well enough for me to keep me from being in a significant amount of pain on the fourth day.

The side effects subsided after day four.

The other side effects I experienced over those four days were:

backache, bloating, body aches, cravings for salty foods, dizziness, fatigue, light spotting, joint pains, tender breasts.

Those can’t have been as bad as the pain though as I’m mostly just quoting them from my P Tracker app, whereas I can very much still remember that I was in pain due to the cramping.

This was followed by a week of my usual, or though a bit less extreme, pre-menstrual dysphoria, before I started my period a week earlier than it was due.

Post Mirena Periods

My first period after having the Mirena fitted was much, much lighter. Most of the time a panty liner would have been enough to contain it. No danger of anaemia there at all.

It did last for two whole weeks though.

The second was, patchy, I guess. Although it came when it was due.

It started one day, stopped the next, came back on the fourth day, finished on the sixth day, then resumed and then ended on the seventh day.

The third lasted seven days and was a bitch in terms of menstrual cramps. I was back to the cocodamol again for the first few days.

Since then every single one has been exactly four days long, and I’ve only lost at most two teaspoons full of blood over the course of each.

I don’t usually feel them, and my PMDD is, I’d say, about 97% resolved. I still get the odd pre period weepy day where I feel like giving up on the world for no apparent reason, but all in all life is much more bearable now the Mirena has settled down and my body has gotten used to it being in there.

And it’s for this reason that I would recommend it to the not insignificant number of people who told me in previous ‘period polls’ that either menstrual pain or hormonal mood changes have a substantial effect on their daily lives.

Post Fitting Check Up

I had to go for a post fitting check up after six weeks to make sure everything was settling down okay and the Mirena hadn’t moved in some way it shouldn’t; I feel as though they had another look at it, but I can’t specifically remember that appointment. So it can’t have been that big of a deal.

Everything was apparently fine, and now I can basically forget about the thing for five years, or, by this month, four years and three months. After which time it has to be either taken out or replaced.

It has some strings that hang down into your vagina that will allow it to be taken out, and the GP recommended checking these once a month to make sure it’s still there.

I will confess that I haven’t actually bothered with this, as I keep forgetting. Besides which given the shape of it, and the amount of pain involved in getting it in, I’m pretty confident that it couldn’t fall out without me noticing in a very negative way.

At the original fitting the GP also showed the strings and what they felt like to my partner so he’d be able to recognise them, which is helpful I suppose. I could get him to check for it.

  Anyway, that was my Mirena experience.

It wasn’t a pleasant beginning, but it was more than worth it for the drastic improvement it’s made by controlling and limiting my mood changes and my bleeding.

If you’re interested in finding out more about the Mirena system itself, how it works and what the pros and cons of it might be I think it’s best that I direct you to the NHS page about it, as they’re more qualified to explain those things than I am.

But if you have any questions about how I’ve got on with having it I’d be happy to answer them either in the comments, or you can find me on Twitter @LadyMirtazapine.

Or if you’d like to share anything about your own experience with the Mirena please feel free. I’m all for getting more people involved in talking about periods and related gynecological issues.

My Mirena Coil Experience “I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn't even have to go to school during your period.