#THEY COULD HAVE LABELED IT ANYTHING ELSE
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Funny how all it takes is a couple of conversations with a cis straight man about gender to make me go "yup I'm definitely not cis"
#listen I adore my stepfather ok but he's got a pretty traditional view of gender#he's very respectful of others and doesn't enforce it on anyone else#and I think it's not that toxic all things considered bc he sees 'manhood' as being primarily about being hard working and protecting other#but it's still very gender essentialist#and he sees a lot of things as 'man things' and 'woman things'#and talks about skills and roles that are 'men's'#and I'm just like well but I do a lot of those things. but I identify with a lot of the things you describe.#and he tries to go around it like 'ahh well but you have personal history with that' etc etc#we get along really well tho we don't fight or anything but it's interesting to me#it makes me realize just how much I'm outside of the binary in the eyes of cis people#and how much 'trying to be a man' or 'trying to be a woman' are things that hold no emotional meaning to me(personally)#I could not care less what makes me masculine or feminine or if either of those labels are revoked for some reason#taking on the label of woman or man feels like a burden to me bc it always comes with a set of expectations#I just wanna be me yk. I just want people to see me through the lens of 'this is a person'#'this is what this person likes. this is how this person behaves'#I just wanna turn off gender. can I do that? like just flip a switch and no one perceives me as anything anymore#in a perfect world maybe#sleep.txt#I honestly still don't fully understand how I feel about gender but. I know that I don't like being put into a box#the box is Evil.
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The way Izuku never would have asked for or required an apology from Katsuki vs the way hearing Katsuki apologize for mistreating him is what allowed Izuku to give in and rest
#bkdk#bkdk apology#bakudeku#bnha#mha#bnha spoilers#mha spoilers#midoriya izuku#bakugo katsuki#Katsuki shaped so much of how Izuku sees himself#Izuku has always been heroic and that was obviously part of the problem#but you can’t tell me Izuku’s self-sacrificing tendencies and intense need to prove himself doesn’t in some way tie back to katsuki#and being labeled his entire life as Quirkless and useless#so Katsuki admitting to izuku that no he was wrong#it wasn’t that Izuku was worthless it was that he was too heroic all on his own#literally I don’t think anything else would have allowed Izuku to drop his guard#i don’t think anyONE else could have gotten through to him#because he looks up to Katsuki so much#admires him so much#and he knows him so well#that his apology#his admission his confession#is what gives Izuku permission in his own mind to stop and breath and rest and recover#ugh#why do these boys keep doing this to me
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Belle (2023) 🌹
#belle 2023#max gold#iceland#listen i just want to talk abt this for a second#i watched belle recently and yes it is a take on beauty and the beast#and yes it had so much more potential than it delivered BUT#im not mad at it at all?#i enjoyed it and it the scenery? stab my through the heart with that beautiful landscape#also it just feels like a quiet movie if that makes sense?#its got this like subtle quality to it and idk how to explain it#i wanted more and things could have been MORE but im sitting here making a post about it bc i cant find anything else on here about it#its classified as horror and im not 100% torn on that label for it but i get why they did that#anyway if you want a slightly darker/grittier take on the story then maybe give this one a shot?#and really its just so pretty to look at#and there are no fix it type fics to make it the more i want but thats okay i am okay#movies
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they should invent a period that doesnt make me the most miserable person on earth
#personal#vent#i will never ever ever be able to pass. by the time im able to get top surgery ill probably be like 30 and the earth will have already died#i will only ever be seen as a confused girl or maybe if im lucky as a feminine man . best case scenario someone looks at me and goes#'oh theyre definitely nonbinary' but i will NEVER just . be some guy. ill never just be a person . itll always either be a label or Girl.#im not going to be able to medically transition or fuckin . go out to meet my friends or anything until i move out and i wont#be able to move out for 3 years minimum . meanwhile everyone else will be getting time to spend together and being able to live on their own#and being able to advance in careers they actually like or at least arent completely fucking miserable in and ill probably be stuck at#FUCKING WALMART the entire time because nowhere else will give me the flexible hours i need for school#my most supportive family is always going to live an hour away from me and ill never truly be able to express myself or my frustrations at#home and even if i could i cant even put half of them into words online even when im really trying the correct words are never there#i get to just sit back and watch as my friends actively fuck up their lives but at least they get to make their own decisions#and then i feel awful on top of that because i shouldnt feel envy over my friends lives . we all have it fucked Especially those in my area#im just. so tired
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actually On Your Feet gave us two good things (well. three if you like Realize which I do). Kohane's "it's frustrating" line and the great crack fic idea of Vivid Bad Squad getting cancelled online for skipping school to yell at The Kotaki Taiga as he was about to go back to America.
#no because. he went there to continue radder's dream yeah? the one about becoming world successful musicians#and they had a record label for a bit. they were definitely going to make it at least somewhat.#so we can assume taiga is at the very least a semi well known musician yeah?#one that someone about to either leave or enter japan might know about. who will see this musician they enjoy#being shouted at by a high school girl in her school uniform about how they will surpass him or something along those lines#with three other kids (in uniform from a different school) standing behind her#and then going onto sekai universe twitter to post about it and the taiga kotaki fans taking it by storm#taiga gets off the plane in america and finds he's trending and it's because people are making fun of a blurry picture of his ex pupil#meanwhile vivid bad squad just don't know because it was contained entirely on twitter and.#be honest can you see any of them having twitter because i can't. an maybe but akito doesn't have time for social media and toya is toya#and kohane is a tumblr girlie if i've ever seen one#however it does give the great concept of someone else seeing it and debating if they should say anything#because mmj definitely has an official account they could have seen it on and also there's ena shinonome and mizuki akiyama#but anyway this also means when they do put on the event to surpass rad weekend (or whatever their goal ends up being)#there will be a crowd of people looking at it and going “isn't that the group of kids that twitter made fun of ages ago?”#and then taiga kotaki stans on sekai universe twitter will be stunned because they did in fact surpass him#if it wasn't for the gcses i would write this but alas. enjoy my weird thoughts#bagel's rambles#project sekai#i am scared to main tag this one but. fuck it we ball
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no but im thinking about how 4halo could be together while keeping their dynamic intact. forever asks bad on a date and bad is like yeah :D friendship date. several dates later bad's the one to propose and he says "will you merry me" as in like. be merry with me. feel joy forever for we're together and we have 11 children aka all of the eggs we have forcefully adopted from the other parents and i dont know what life would be like without you. you changed my life for the better. besties 4evar, forever
#and then richarlyson falls into pieces#and dapper gets to be smug#i don't super enjoy the ship when theyre lovey-lovey but oh my god its so fucking funny to be in a relationship and just Deny it#to each other to everyone else to themselves#is that a wedding ring no its a donut#made of metal#a decoration i wear that's inscribed with my bestie's name because i just like him so much :3#do you see the vision the vibe is queerbait themselves to Hell while being Actively Queer#more thoughtful examination of bad's character is that i think a relationship that actively rejects sincerity is what he'd be most#comfortable in#he's Full of compliments for the other players and eggs but he will Never say that to their faces. he uses sillytime and insincerity as a#shield. if he ever trusts someone to be like. close to them. to consider them a teammate like he considers dapper a teammate#then it doesn't matter what label it gets -qpp or genuine besties or romantic or another option i cant think of- i think that not#acknowledging that sincerity is the only way he could bear letting them into his heart#i don't know forever as well to give a thoughtful analysis but i think that giving him something low pressure that isn't a Romance might be#good for him too if only for the fact that his Romances have all failed p badly. better to just be silly about it yknow just joke around a#lil if it doesn't mean anything then it wont hurt#<- basic angst trope im not sure fits him but be rest assured i am Looking at him. studying that beast.#qsmp#4halo#qsmp shipping
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speaking of kon and family i am generally of the opinion that he never really puts a strict label on any of it because its more difficult than that, and something that is so core to his character is that he never had parents, but i will say its funny* how most people who say this are also the people who, when they see fans or dc call clark kons brother/cousin, cry about how labels make it less meaningful, theyre just family! and then turn around and call ma his grandma. so labels are only bad when clark is called something other than kons father right?
i think theres definitely merit to him never specifying who is what to him in this sense but i also think its kind of weird to refuse to acknowledge that ma and pa are his adoptive parents. like canonically. sure i still dont think its that simple and kon probably wouldnt just start calling ma his mom more than the word ma already implies, but its really obvious how much people HATE to acknowledge this or even consider it maybe even more than they hate it when clark is called kons brother/cousin. yknow like people got SO mad about kon referring to ma as his mom in that (bad) comic i saw people say its Worse than him being in a relationship with mgann..... like okay.... can u elaborate on that.. why is it worse exactly.... oh right it completely negates the possibility of clark being his father. right!
#so yes i am being a pedantic bitch now maybe but i do get annoyed when people call ma his grandma. bc 90% of the time theyre#the people who insist labels lessen the importance of kon just having a family he belongs to that doesnt follow the nuclear family structue#but still do this. and call jon his brother. and then get upset when people refer to clark as anything but kons dad#which he never was! spoiler!#txt#i get the jon being his brother thing more partially bc its a less definitive label but also#this only makes it funnier that people get so mad at clark being called kons brother#its the Least definitive label you could put on it i think#idk maybe cousin is even less but i see that very rarely used for them so#you know.#why is it Just clark who cant have a specific familial label and everyone else can and coincidentally#those labels fit right in with clark being his dad. curious#do not misunderstand this as my 'we should all call ma kons mother instantly and explicitly' take i just noticed that the reactions to it#are so extreme. for no good reason#if youre actually looking at canon#alas
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not to be a colossal fucking cowabummer about everything but it really does suck that like. my really chill and like. supposedly more realistic type of career goal feels about as unattainable as like a kid saying he wants to be a singer or something
#kazoo noises#like yeah this was supposed to be a job i COULD get. i thought bc like. i was going into the field bc i loved the work and not bc i couldnt#make it into academia (fuck u alt-ac term users yall are snobs) id like maybe be able to cobble it together bc like. im good at doing work.#i can usually make something happen and i got a good attitude. but jesus ive got one year left and every job app comes back negative if the#even bother to respond#like idk man. i knew iwasnt gonna be making money or shit and i knew it was gonna be rough but like. everyone else i meet already has a gig#or at least like gig adjacent. volunteer or field experience or internship and like. i cant get anything to stick. its not like ive done#nothing either? ive worked extensively with small scale exhibition design. i have worked extensively with special collections libraries.#i have literal years worth of research experience from college. i have an entirely customer service based resume thats not academic so i#can handle a patron (and crucially different from my peers: I WANT TO)#i can organize. i can write and design labels. i can communicate. i can handle special collections objects. i can make ANY microfilm reader#work for me even when it doesnt want to#and im not saying my classmates arent qualified. but like. surely this has to amount to something. i have been so stupidly lucky#to have even half the experiences i do. i have variety in my degree that even some of my classmates would kill for i think. i did. so much.#i have had so many advantages and i like to think i use them well and that i am grateful for them. but why cant i make that shit connect???#my resume is good. im reliable. i want to work more than anything. so why cant i get a call back???#legitimately how much longer do i get to keep telling myself i a not the common denominator here#sorry for diary posting but im prepping to walk to the house tour and planning what job apps i can fill out when i get back and literally.#just like. why do i bother. i should have just held my nose and done the online only program in state. i'd probably spend less time rotting#god being 23 fucking sucks. it is going to be better. im literally just barely an adult. this cant be it and it wont be it. but jesus. i go#over having to beg for a rejection letter about ten months ago when i still felt like i had a shot at these experiences
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part of me still feels like i might be sort of genderfluid and/or bisexual but just traumatized about it. no idea anymore
#like. remember that. remember following me back when i was bi and genderfluid lol. awhile ago now#its like whatever to me now. its really hard for me to pin anymore#like when i feel like genderfluid and bi again i feel like i can be a lot more open about shit#but i dont really even know. its hard#i feel like. and this is just like. me yknow. i feel like if i wasnt dating a man i'd be missing out on something that i want#like i dont know if i would be content just marrying a woman and being satisfied if i. didnt have a husband. yknow what i mean#and its like. if *I* wasnt a man i'd be sad. if in a relationship i wasnt someone's boyfriend or husband i'd be sad about it#so this is what wraps back around to me being a gayboy about it yknow#its complicated because no matter the gender label outcome. i would STILL want testosterone and surgery and masculine terms#and i KNOW this doesnt mean anything for some people. like some women do all that and are women#so i could just be not-a-man and still want all this anyways#but i also know it doesnt make it any less complicated for some of these women. who also had to think about themselves a lot in this way#its this weird notion of whatever ends up happening i... physically want the same shit anyways. THAT stays almost completely static#so that for me is a breather. its just like.... idk ... if i ever got in a relationship with a woman#i'd feel like i would be intrinsically. missing out on something i wanted#which i think is what a lot of burgeoning gay kids feel generally. right#like if you went down this stringent path laid out for you that you'd be missing out on. your life that you want. right.#i dont know what i want out of that really. sometimes i feel like im too out of it to pursue anything romantically anymore anyways#i do sometimes think it'd be cool to be a butch woman. kinda..?#i think what i like about that is the masculinity of myself is gender non-confirming if i were a woman#which if im a masc guy i'm just like. your average dude. like. right#but i wanna be a bear about it. i wanna fag it up about it. and my metric of being transgender im not ... average about how i present mysel#can someone teach me how to fag it up. the construction worker part of this is working right#sighhhh.... i have to go shower. maybe i;'ll have a shower epiphany or something. sighhhhh#sometimes in my head being a woman would be alright. but its like.. i dont even know how to decode it#i think some people would call what im feeling being genderfluid. some people might call it something else. it depends on like. you yknow#and what you want. and what makes you smile. me? not quite so sure anymore#and i think its like. this sounds like its laid quite bare right. but its hard to word even.#but sometimes im like. am i just like. talking ...? yknow what i mean.
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i do kind of like the bigender label. im probably not going to use it but i do hold it and toss it around in my brain sometimes. that's a lot like me fr fr
#the reason im probably not gonna use it is the same kind of reason i dont identify as trans:#while the meaning in my head isnt technically correct it is MY meaning for ME and it doesnt match me#bigender is 2 whole genders. 200% gender. maybe even more. thats the definition in my head whether or not its accurate to everyone isnt#important. *i* have only 100% gender. but that gender is split between like 40% girl and 60% something else#and that something isnt even on the scale of normal genders. there isnt a label for that part of my gender#bigender in the community from what ive seen tends to be people who identify on both sides of the boy-girl spectrum#maybe not exactly on that scale but like. aligned generally with it#and my gender. is girl. and a tree and the sound of birdsong. which. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. is not on that scale#i still think i could use bigender if i want because i can do anything i want forever but because my experiences dont exactly align with#bigender is in my head i dont think i will#(note: these tags are MY definition of bigender. it absolutely isnt the actual definition. my definition in regards to how it relates to ME)#(you do not have to tell me thats not how bigender works trust me i know ADGSFHSHGD)#demigirls a better fit anyways. like yeah theres some girl in there. the rest of it? heh... well.... use your imagination#i just sometimes want to recognize i do have 2 different types of gender in me#i am a girl! and im also something else entirely!#and its fun. i like the way my gender works#and bigender does catch some parts of my experience i dont think demigirl and nonbinary do#but not enough for me to use it i think#absolute ramble of a tag set it is 4:30 am i need to sleep
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being asexual and sex repulsed is actually really hard because everyone acts like you’re a freak and doesn’t take you seriously when you say you don’t want to talk about sex and half of y’all reading this can’t act like you would never do that because you can’t even tag your nsfw or put a warning before your explicit tags on how you wanna fuck that guy 👍🏼
#i make jokes sometimes so i’m really not trying to seem like a hypocrite but some of y’all get really detailed#and I Am Repulsed By Sex. so when you get Detailed About Sex i actually feel physically sick and usually have anxiety attacks#like that’s what we’re dealing with here! i’m not just being immature or a prude or whatever the fuck#i have anything labeled mature hidden too so if you’d prefer to use community labels knock yourself out#just. god i don’t know how else to explain this#and it’s not just a matter of unfollowing people. because people will reblog things from me with the grossest fucking tags.#and yes i can block or whatever but it still doesn’t stop and like i’m begging y’all???#also there’s some people i don’t wanna lose as mutuals when they could tag four letters. idk#sorry i’m just. upset tonight#i feel like a freak for being asexual basically because it’s everyone acts like this is such an insane request#and i feel so isolated because of it#op
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ok actually here have a few more of the beginnings of the notes bc i love my commentary
monev, dominique, and rai-dei excluded just bc i jump immediately into taking notes about their circumstances so there arent fun commentary.
you can tell which ones im most intimidated by addressing in my story lmfao
#speculation nation#itnl shit#the puppetmaster labeled as Very Very Problematic#tbh his section is the longest for the planning i have done#bc he is responsible for 170 deaths of vash's home!!! that is a very big problem and vash is Dedicated to preventing that#but it's a little more complicated than just getting in his way.#rai-dei's is actually a bit long bc i have some plans for him#hoppered is. not as long as it could be actually. mostly bc im just like. Head In My Hands. what do i DO about you?#that 'Oh Boy.' really sums it up.#also laughing at Midvalley's 'Very unhappy' like that sure is a summary of him with his circumstances. Yup.#trigun spoilers/#also zazie labeled as essentially a nonissue bc they really dont ever cause any serious damage in the manga#more of a 3rd party observer. YEA they do kill a few times but like Nothing like the puppetmaster#more of a mischief maker than anything else. and potentially an ally later down the line. we'd have to see lol#also livio being intimidating but razlo being even more so. Face In My Hands. this will be a lot...#anyways i should probs get working on editing lol. i was just glancing thru my notes doc again. ya kno .
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its a sad day when you see a person you know is good and creative to use ai tools to make art
#sigh#i mean.. i get it in this case i guess. and he did edit like half of the text to fit but also ew#i know he could have written this on his own. he has that talent in him. but no he used ai to write the scene instead#and it completely threw a wrong name for one of the characters too like. wouldnt have made that mistake otherwise#as a writer its just bringing me down to know i have someone like this in my circle..#kinda hurts you know#like.. in small defense of ai it can be good at creating ideas and concepts for reference and starting points i guess#but making full pieces of art and writing with it when you are perfectly available of doing it yourself?#or able to commission someone else to do it? or not using it as a reference but as a ready finished piece of something?#no.#its so hard to put my emotions into thoughts rn but im just. disheartened i guess#as if being a creative wasnt hard enough already. seeing someone close to me replacing my favorite craft with ai..#im sad fellas#i hope you know im never using ai for anything i make. dont ever put that label on me no matter what#also dont feed my stuff into anything ai or i will have to kill you#i wanna just lay down now ough#night is an absolute mess on main
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also quite the illustration in wags being like "'not asking permission' - wags" and plowing through someone expressing a physical boundary but he was already intending to use physical violence & violation & assumed corresponding distress as a tool to get his way....amidst the typicality, "correctness," permissibility of all that around here like five times an hour
#winston billions#and in all ways like the [oh well but at least it's Not That Bad(tm)] / some theoretical peak lasting physical harm....not that relevant#not unlike how billions didn't need to put all that effort into supposedly not yet going ''yeah prince is the worst ofc'' in s6#like oh he repeatedly took advantage of someone (not a cis man) he's ceo of; early 20s/abt the age of his kids so he could have sex#but then we have to be going ''oh but well at least it's Not That Bad'' like yeah wow & that doesn't matter That Much / make it That Good#it's all operating on the same logic & principles & that is the issue; there'll always be some theoretical worse instance....#and what's it do for what's deemed [worse instances] to then just use that against ''lesser'' instances#rian out here apparently w/no idea abt power but also somehow aware she has to assert Fault for it herself thinking emoticon#but also rian being clueless / continuing not to think abt shit at all / maybe thinking fucking an old man makes her Mature is all like#more stuff that doesn't quite coalesce into anything consistent & instead is all incompletely gestured at as some Explanation Aggregate#sorry i've noticed that this is a leaking bag of gravel labeled ''rian'' and not a character#anyways. and wendy Would do aba & ppl Do already give the organic aba & it's abusive. check the ''not abt ppl's wellbeing'' & the ppl who#get to be In Charge of anyone else & the ''corrected'' ppl Not getting to be treated as people#rian's treatment of winston....all the Aggressive behavior only allowed to Some & that serves to get those people's ways#all the demeaning treatment directed at ppl so that someone can try using them as a stepstool for their feelings / ego#&/or simply to try to get their [being a person] to stop being a roadblock to their existence aligning w/only what you want from them#next episode sure could be about how Actually This Place Is Horrible For Its Own Employees; it has been; it'll continue to be....#like a great time to deal with that. if wendy wants to consider if she's actually not doing anything Good here then like time for that too#might convince everyone else to (a) not quit for their own sakes & maybe even also (b) see wendy to make her feel better. again.#but maybe we still lose winston as the guy who (a) gets to peace out & (b) is just having one of the more miserable times over there#taylor's busier; sometimes in englander; no tmc niche; not close enough to tuk to chat; dollar bill's here; rian won't let him speak....#and whether taylor Themself being unable to convince winston to return gets them thinking abt things & stuff. not like they've been unaware#at all of this Environment being hostile & miserable lol but nobody just kind of matter of factly wanders out w/o Basically being pushed...#& it's been a minute since they were a fellow nonboss employee. & maybe Winston quitting just shakes up assumptions & then why not question#more things & like; even if they suppose they're fine enough for Now & Could be happy w/a billion or their own place or something like#maybe you too can just walk out you can leave w/o having been forced to some Crisis Breaking Point about it#and not spend years more at the sunk cost factory of more problems worse times etc etc....a concept#&/or idk maybe also just pondering like oh also the way people here or anywhere are negatively affected even if you werent paying attention#this is all still operating off the one theory though of course#but also the actual text of this post needs no further canon info or context to be True / about what it is lmao. wags die challenge
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Just remembered how after my autistic diagnose every offical person was so careful to approach me about it at first. I know that's probably standard bc not everyone will like those news or know how to handle it but I legit just had doctors go 'hey... So... Are you okay? How do you feel?' and I was like 'haha, nice, so I haven't just been faking/now I know why I'm so different'
#miranda talking shit#And i mean... I wouldnt be diagnosed at all if i didnt personally call for it. I wouldn't have been able to see anyone unless i brought it#Up. Bc ive always been good at masking no one even considerd i was on the spectrum. And it wasnt until i got friends who was diagnosed and#Discussed it with me and their experiences + me reading up on it myself ... Where i was like wait uh ... Actually lol that's me haha#But i know plenty of people probably don't like to get the diagnosis. For me personally it was 90% a gopd thing#It felt a lot like... Ive always known i was 'diffrent' and ive always felt something was so wrong with me bc i didny work like other peope#And then it was like .... No im different but this is the thing that makes me different and its not something 'wrong' with me#For me it felt very freeing to get i guess a label or name on why im different. Before iy was all just... On me?#Like it was my own fault. Why couldnt i do this or just act normal why couldnt i just handle things others could? It all felt very. ...#Personal. Like it was my own fault ? Idk man. It was just great to get a reason to why i was diffrent and that it actually ... Made sense?#There were reasons behind why i got so overwhelmed or behaved weirdly etc yeah#My relationship with my own autism is the weirdest shit ever bc i dont personally think there's many positives with this diagnose#I can think of 10 cons per 1 pro basically but i also... Never had any bad feelings about getting it on paper that i have it?#I know my life would be much easier if i didnt have it. But i also know it cant be cured and is just part of me so#I have a fairly good or at least neatrul general feeling about it. Before i was diagnosed I'd cry and have breakdowns as to#Why i was so weird and why i couldnt be like everyone else. I got that on an weekly basis. After my diagnose? Very rarely.#I guess thats why im so... Supporting and maybe pushing others who think they are on the spectrum to check it out#Many will think oh but it doesnt DO anything. It doesnt change anything. It doesnt help to get it on paper ya know ?#And well yeah i guess technically that's true but man idk. If you have ever felt alienated like ive been my entire childhood and teen years#Getting the diagnose was so nice. And i got to learn about myself in much different ways than before. And understand that i am in fact not#Alone and not so misunderstood by everyone on earth lol.#@anyone who think they might be autistic give me an message and lets talk tbh if you want and need someone to discuss that with#Autism tag
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Okay I have a story.
So my birthday is this Sunday (May 26th). My mom ordered some presents for me but one of them (an Etsy purchase) was seemingly stuck in transit and might not make it on time. I tell my mom all good, no worries. She gets in contact with the seller. After a long delay in response they get back with "Right we'll fix it!" It ships, tracking label and everything, good to go! ETA May 22nd (yesterday.)
During the work day I check the tracking and it says it's been delivered in/at mailbox! I double check with my mom "hey, is it mailbox size?" because if not, I don't want it sitting at the front door where anyone walking by could snag it.
She says "it's definitely NOT mailbox size." Okay. I text my neighbors in the building "Anyone seen a package delivered? It's a birthday gift from my mom and I wanna make sure it gets inside!" Success! Floor 2 David (not to be confused with Floor 1 David) had brought it inside. Inform my mom. All good!
I stop by home briefly around 4pm, because yesterday was hot-hot and I just installed my window A/C that morning in the living room, and according to my cat cam my stupid cat hasn't spent a single second in the climate controlled living room and is, instead, voluntarily baking herself elsewhere so I'm like "great" and hop on my bike to go home (10 minute ride) to check on her.
I get in the building door. Patches is crying from the top floor because she heard me. I maneuver my bike in the front hall. The ugliest fucking 6-foot-tall cat tree(?)/totem(?)/statue(?) I've seen in my entire life is just. Standing there.
My first thought is "What the fuck is that." My second thought is "Oh fuck that is for me." I look around at the floor in case there's perhaps anything else that might, in fact, be the gift.
No. Me and Cat Pole.
It's taller than me. I turn it around to face me and its face is painted and this is, in fact, uglier than it looked from the back.
Um.
Patches is crying. So I just haul it up to my level. MAYBE it was supposed to come with twine that I wrap around it (and hide its face from the world) for Patches to scratch. Maybe this is a prank. Maybe this is an inside joke, because when my mom moved into her current house the neighborhood gifted her some ugly-as-hell totem that apparently, by tradition, each newest-comer to the neighborhood is required to have and display in their window so maybe this is a very good riff on that.
Patches rubs against it. She's not afraid of this horrid facsimile of her kind.
Great.
Meanwhile SHE'S fine and the condo is a little toasty but totally liveable so I'm like "Good, cool, you're not baking. You're having a good time. Enjoy your new sister, I guess, I'll see you later."
I go back to work because this is a problem for later me.
After work, after my run, after whatever, I get home and it's like 8:00pm and Patches is so happy to see me and the totem pole is still just. There.
I text my friends like "so a bday gift is here from my mom and it's the Biggest Ugliest cat pole I've seen in my life. Is this a bit? Did my mom go 'that's so ugly haha! send!' Maybe she genuinely found it cute. How do I navigate this." My friend Sarah has the good advice to maybe text my mom neutrally like "Got the cat pole!" and feel the waters whether my mom is like "Isn't it ugly? 😂" or "Hope Patches likes it! 🥰"
My mom goes to bed early so I don't do any of that yet. Problem for tomorrow me.
This morning, Patches wakes me up for breakfast. I get her situated and I'm staring at the fucking Cat Pole again. I wonder if my Mom's been wondering all night what I thought of it.
I take a picture. I text her.
Okay.
I get on call with my mom. I ask for clarity that the ungodly horrid thing is NOT my birthday gift and is in fact a mix-up from the seller who sent me this instead of my actual gift. She's wheezing between words. She thinks I'm being too charitable for the amount of Absolute Fucking Ugly this is. I have to gently talk her out of using the word "monstrosity" while messaging the seller asking what the hell happened here.
I tell her I need to apologize for harming her dignity with Floor 2 David, who thinks this fucking thing is my mom's idea of a great birthday gift for her to-be-28-year-old daughter.
My heart goes out to the poor soul who did actually order this cat totem and is lacking it on this lovely day.
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