#The zebra has many stripes and I wanted to try my best to make sure it wouldn’t cause issues like headaches or other things

[ebonytails]

Hey everyone! this is where the zebra is currently with the design.

It has knee braces!! I will most probably be drawing the zebra usually with them on, but it’s no requirement, for example if anyone else wants to draw the zebra :-]. I always like to make sure an animal design has official colors underneath any clothing and accessory anyway. I think this will be final! thank you everyone for your feedback!

As a reminder, aside from why the zebra was requested for this flag, this is also just a zebra with the disability pride flag on it. It’s just a deisgn to fit the flag, with input from other disabled people in our community. It doesn’t mean other animals can’t have designs with these colors, too! I don’t mean this design to be the only mascot for all disabled people. It’s just a silly series i do of pride animals, and at the time, during disability pride month, I wanted to see what everyone wanted me to start off with for this flag!

the goal with my pride animals is to take requests and make people feel happy and seen.. that’s all <:-)

[prof-peach]

My little kirlia loves to have tea in a garden, so I've been thinking of planting some flowers around a little table outside, I'm not very good at it myself though, and do tend to be forgetful. Any recommendations on easy to care, yet pretty flowers? Do any flowers/plants have special effects on Pokemon that I should be concern/excited about?

ok, so we had a little chat about the weather you get, and I now know you have cold-ish climates, but a good bit of sun, so this is what I can suggest for you and your dear partner, to get the most out of your garden without too much work.  SO, first things first, Grasses. They come in so many shapes and forms, all different colours, heights and can often tough out even the most bitter winter. The only real work I find you have to do with ornamental grasses is at the very end of winter, cut them back to the ground, and they’ll grow back nice and lush come spring when the sun starts to shine. People cut these grasses down quickly because they see them as scruffy, but I encourage you to avoid this, as the grass itself is so important to small bug types, and feeding bird pokemon who need nesting material, grubs to eat, and generally cover from predators. plus bonus, less work for you.

Grasses can create a privacy screen too, so if you're overlooked by neighbours, or your garden is very open and gets a lot of harsh wind, then plating tall tough grasses will not only give you incredible textures, but also some well deserved cover from prying eyes or bitter winds. They also help smaller less tough plants shelter, and can help keep the other things you plant in the space safer. They naturally clump and spread, and you really don’t have to do much other than sit back and watch their beautiful seed heads blow in the wind, creating movement, sound, and giving a great depth of texture to any garden. Plus who doesn't like to see sweet little pidgey feeding on seeds?

Pampas Grass: Super tall, beautiful foliage, real winners, Extra tough plants. ^

Zebra Grass, tall, dense, beautiful stripes, easy and tough ^

for a more Tropical vibe, perhaps try some bamboo ^

 some folks are nervous about it because its fast growing and harder to control, you can stop its spread by planting in containers, OR putting bamboo into the ground, but line where you want it to grow with pond liner, a thick durable plastic, that the plant will struggle to grow through. If you plant a few in a lined trench, they'll fill that space in no time, giving you a thick wall of tough evergreen grass, that literally can be left all year round. makes for pretty foliage in cut flower mixes too.

Ok thats the backdrop laid out for you, now the fun stuff and colour! So heres some of my favs, which i know come in a range of variants.

 ^ Hardy Hibiscus, a shrub, known for their reds, whites, pinks and purples, and yellows, with lovely foliage and a mass of flowers big enough for the combee, cutifly and even butterfree to frequent. they arent overly sweet smelling but very pretty and need little care once established. You can even plant them in pots and they’d be pretty happy if you just feed them.

Hydrangea ^, known for pinks and purples, blues, and whites, their flowers (when not fed specific colouration feed) will change based on how acidic or alkali your soil is. If you want the flowers to not change colour, then get a white one (which is far prettier in my opinion haha). The white ones don’t change colour and will stay no matter your soil type. You can get special feed for them to keep them a certain colour, but its a bit of a faff and not for everyone. these plants can be delicate (see Hydrangea ‘limelight’, or ‘bluebird’) or bold and big (Hydrangea ‘big daddy’ or ‘annabelle’). Should you have a wall and some cash to splash, you can even get a climbing Hydrangea, which is quite stunning.

^ Lilac. Tough, easy to care for, and SO sweet smelling you’d think you’d died and gone to heaven. They come in whites, pinks and purples mostly, and have a robust nature you’d not expect from such a sweet smelling thing. I cannot stress how good and tough these plants are, and once established they can get incredibly aged and majestic. 

These shrubs can be controlled to be small, or left to turn to large shrubs, depending on the space you're working with. I would advise putting in your larger plants first, then slowly adding smaller bits, as the big stuff creates the frame for your garden, its like putting bones in first, to support and hold together the spaces form.

after this, its all down to small floral bits. you mentioned tropical vibes up top, so i’d say go for some greens in there too, ferns and large leaved hostas are pretty cold tolerant (hostas can also flower which is lovely), and give a real feel for depthy jungle and texture, and the more green you get, the more the flowers pop against it.

for ground cover and softer smaller plants, think hardy Geraniums, maybe some hardy shrub Fuchias, a personal fav for its fearless defiance to the cold is Erysimum, and then you have age old winners like Aquilegia, Yarrow, and Scabiosa. Do a google, check out the options and hopefully head to your local nursery to pick a few bits up. i’d suggest planting up when the ground doesn't get frost in the morning, to give your new plants the best chance. water whatever you plant into the ground thoroughly once, and only do so again should you get a particularly hot summer day. 

All the plants i’ve mentioned are tough as old boots if you make sure they're ‘Hardy’ thats the word to look on labels with anything you plan to put in. There aren't any plants that I know of that affect the Ralts line thoroughly AND fit the vibe you were gong for that we discussed, but i do know they're easily calmed by scented plants, so go to a local centre, or even public gardens and take some time to smell the flowers. If they plant it in your local park, and your pokemon enjoys it, chances are it can survive your weather and rough soil type. I find the Ralts line is very in tune with their trainers, and so if you enjoy the garden, if you like the sound of the grass in the wind, or the smell of the flowers, or buzz of combee floating by, then they'll join in and be content.

You mentioned your Kirlia likes tea? grab some mint and pop that in a pot for her, don’t put it in the ground, it goes wild and rampant. Also Chamomile is a rather hardy plant to have, and she may enjoy to learn the process of caring for and using that delicious little herby plant. It has sweet daisy flowers and does well in sunny spots or pots, and smells divine, some people even use it as an alternative for a lawn.

Pleeeeeease let me know how it goes, and if any of these names or phrases seem daunting, I am here to help, and can promise you i’ve given pretty easy starting points, and ALL of these plants can handle being in containers or in the dirt, in exposed positions, and none need rigorous feeding or care, other than the odd water, and the dead flowers trimmed off. If you get stuck message in, Gardening is kind of my vibe, and i’d hate to think you’d get a little overwhelmed. Plants move so slowly, you get a lot of time to fix issues and mistake (i know i make a lot of them haha) and they're also very forgiving, so don’t feel like you have to know a lot to get started, its a hobby that gets us outdoors, and brings great joy when the things we care for flower and give results, and we can learn from our decisions if they should fail and die. 

GOOD LUCK!

[give-grian-rights]

HERMITCRAFT 8 LIVEBLOGGING

fifteen hermits worth of liveblogging. i am losing my mind. LONG POST AHEAD.

JOE HILLS (First HC8 Video)

Mumbo did the speech. he forgot everything he was supposed to say <3

Pearl and Gemini were just .in a pit . having stuff thrown onto them

Every Hermit is staying on the same continent !!

FIRST DEATHS VERY QUICKLY, Iron Golems took out Tango and Etho (maybe more?)

Joe seems to be the only one looting the chests

Evil Jevin !!

Evil Xisuma appearance on Jevin’s 60 second video!

Pearl has something planned for an “archeticual wonder” for a resupply area upon death?

Stress, Xisuma and Joe are capturing villagers and starting up a resupply debut.

Bdubs is killed by Cleo and is now OUT FOR BLOOD

First death counts- Etho, Tango, Bdubs, Cleo?

Cleo was killed by Keralis

Joe has now supplied Cleo with weapons and food . She left but not before saying “Time to kill BDubs again!”

Gemini was killed by Bdubs! They both died and are now at spawn.

Pearl was killed by Cleo

Pearl is planning a respawn inn !!

Cleo was killed by Iskall

Cleo was killed by Pearl

False, Stress, and Gemini team up??? AA!!! they brought a delivery of supplies to Joe <3

i wish i knew what was happening on that end .

APPARENTLY XISUMA IS ONTO MAKING THE SECOND VILLAGER BREEDER ALREADY ??

Iskall is the first with Diamonds??

Breathe in that ash !

WAIT IS TANGOS EYES LIKE THAT RN BECAUSE HES TEAMED WITH KERALIS AND BDUBS ???

KERALIS, BDUBS, AND TANGO TRIED TO DO A SHAKEDOWN ON JOE. HE TRIED TO DROP LAVA, GOT HIMSELF ONTO TWO HEARTS BECAUSE HE PLACED IT ON HIMSELF, AND IS NOW SWIMMING OUT INTO THE SWAMP

the big eyed trio are now off to shake down Gemini

Joe fell in Lava in the Nether

Joe Death To Lava Two: Electric Boogaloo

Joe drowned trying to kill a glowsquid

WATCH JOE’S VIDEO OH MY GOD SEAN HILLS RECAP RAP??? MY BELOVED????? i am gonna be streaming this unironically later LIKE OH MY GOD THIS SLAPS. ALSO THE CREDITS AT TEH END IS HILARIOUS

Zedaph Episode Recap

Zed gave us a recap of the continent every Hermit will be living on !!

Wouldn’t recommend Zedaph as the first video for the season, he skips the intro/speech but it’s Zedaph and hes making it fun!! Lots of nice editing :)

~SCIENCE TIME !~

Zedaph.. why is your starter base made out of concrete ?

There are no sheeps whatsoever on his mountain

Hes calling his lab an icecream sandwich..yeah i see it

Zed tried to make a portal underater...f

Scar died to a creeper </3

Zedaphs base is gonna be tracking how long hes there/someones loading the chunk!

XISUMA LIVE BLOGGING

A cool cinema scene of him becoming an axolotl!! <3

NOW I CAN SEE IT, GRIAN WAS THE FIRST DEATH!! Death by Iron Golem!!

XIsuma’s baseplans need over 45 THOUSAND BLOCKS TO BE PLACED

He’s also planning on making a shulkershell farm!!

i’m not gonna lie ! talking axolotl X is horrifying ! thanks !

Day one Villager Breeder... chaos.

Xisuma Derp! looked straight at a buncha wool and said how badly he needed beds and then walked away

THE GIRLS CAME OVER AND CONVINCED HIM HE NEEDS TO MOVE THE DESIGN OVER MY FIVE BLOCKS FOR SWAMP VILLAGERS..

THE GIRLS ARE JUST LAUGHING AT HIM AND HIS VILLAGER TROUBLES

day one and Xisuma has got his axolotl!!

Very pretty starterbase!!

XB’s

..I’m not gonna lie theres not much to say!! He’s very calm :) he says hes going into it without a plan, and htat last season was the only time he had any thought of what he was gonna do.

He made a real nice starter house and thats about it!

Cleo’s

Bdubs: “She ain’t gonna hurt me!! i’m invincible, babey!”

Cleo learnt that BDubs will never hurt her even if she deserves it . I am starting to realize why she kills him

SHE DECIDED SHES GONNA BE A PROPER CHAOS GREMLIN THIS SEASON...

AISDJASID CLEO GOT PAID TO KILL BDUBS?? HDUIAIHSI SCAR WHY

“Alright I found my mission for the season! Murder.”

Cleo, Mumbo, Grian, and Scar are all holed up in a cave together!

..Scar died from a skeleton !

Cleo has now split from Grian and Mumbo! Scar is missing in action

CLEO FOUND A GOAT

SHES KILLING THE GOAT???

she got a HORSE <3 and Joe gave her a saddle! I think her name is..Widget?

She LOVES the candles for shamboo n waterbottles and bits n bobs for her armorstands!!

Got her Armorstand stickgod book <3

Geminitay POV

NEW HERMIT NEW HERMIT NEW HERMIT!!

She has a LOVELY voice!!

The pov of her in a hole . being surrrounded . is kinda hilarious

It might’ve been Etho who was first death?? I GENUIENLY CANNOT TELL BECAUSE OF EDITING

All the murder was just for heads!

Seriously her voice is. wow

WE LOVE A QUEEN WHO KNOWS HOW TO CRAFT A SHIELD WITHOUT USING THE GUIDE <3

False, Gemini, and Stress are on the great journey for MOSS !

Gem just blew their minds with the moss.

TANGO KERALIS AND BDUBS ARE BACK Keralis: “Show the diamonds show the diamonds show the diamonds!” Gem: “Keralis. This is not how you make friends.”

The boys suecessfully recieved a diamond each

Etho n Iskall are travelling together!! You dont see those two together often

Etho got a glowsquid head!!

Gem: “Etho doesn’t share, is what i’m learning..?”

Etho hooked her with a fishing rod and said she has to do what he said .

In order to get the diamonds, Tango, Keralis, and BDubs placed down a sign saying “Gem is Great!” and Gem used a glow inksack on it.

Etho: “So..What is this? Do you have an ego, or this a motivational thing, or..?” He said, while laughing

Iskall: “I think its really funny that you have set your base up in the middle of a birch forest.” Gem: “I love birch forests! Do you not like my birch forest? Iskall: “I love it, yeah.” Gem: “This is the best biome in the game, Iskall.” Iskall: “Mmmm..” Etho: “I’m pretty sure I heard Iskall talking earlier that like, of all the biomes in the game, there was one he hated more than anything. Gem: “Oh really? And what was that one?” Iskall: “..Taiga.” Gem: “Taiga.. That’s true, thats a good one, thats a good one.” Iskall: “Don’t like Taiga.” Gem: “Mhm.” Etho: “Which one do you hate more than anyone?” Iskall: “..Diorite fields. Thats a bad one.” Etho: “Yeah thats a bad one.” Gem: “Didn’t know about that one. Well make sure to avoid’em. Birch forests are really good.” Iskall: “I’m a big fan of birch forests.” Gem: “Yeah, me too, me too. I’m glad we’re on the same page :) This is so beautiful! All the white and- and the like zebra stripes! is fantastic.” Iskall: “I..Um.. Yes.”

OH SHE’S CANADIAN,, ETHO HAS A FRIEND /j

She’s still in college :O SHE’S A SCIENTIST?? SHES WORKING AT A HOSPITAL?? POG!!

She accidentally found an enchanted golden apple in a mineshaft!! she thinks its the first she ever found in survival!!

She has a cow, sheep, and a few crop farms set up!! Her starter house has INTERRIOR!

SHE CHANGED HER SKIN AND ITS SO PRETTY AND HAS OVERALL AND I LOVE IT!!

shes doing a cottage core inspired base!

WOAHH!!! SHE MADE HTE MOST GOREGOUS CUSTOM TREE I’VE EVER SEEN ??

BDUBS IS HERE and he is so so so impressed by the tree ?!

also hes carrying a clock.. :(

He’s here with a present!

HE BROUGHT BAMBOO!

she thinks its so funny that he stops conversations to sleep AOIDHFEAUI\

SCARS

WE GOT A TRANSITION SCENE!! the canonical reason for the bed in his old village always being occupied is because underneath it, was his wizard portal!

Bdubs: “It’s a new season! You’re the little guy now!”

They are all very amused by that ^

they’re rubbing the fleece of bdubs jacket .

Bdubs: “Have a nice rub :)” PLEASEAHSIOJDIUASLDHIASDA

His starter base is gonna be a wagon and he wants the end game to be a bioshock esque skyscraper!

he confused a horse for a player . flashback to iskall thinking mumbo was a mob

PEOPLE THINK MUMBO DOESNT HAVE PANTS ON.... </3

Scar, Mumbo, and Grian.. have NO braincells. at all. THey just placed a crafting table with a boat on top with a bed on top with a boat on top .

this is what BROS FOR LIFE looks like.

BOATEM POLE !

SCAR IS STUCK UNDERGROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IRL AND HAS NO PICKAXE..

AND HE DIED TO A CREEPER .

it seems like Grian, Mumbo, and Scar are working together !!!! HOLY SHIT !!

THERES SO SO SO MANY FARMS???????

he died several times trying to catch a skeleton with a sword

FIRST CHEST MONSTER OF THE SEASON <3

SCAR JSUT TOLD BDUBS HE LOOKS LIKE OSCAR THE CROUCH... BDUBS CANNOT EVEN ARGUE

OH NO.... GRIAN WENT AFK IN A HOLE . WITHOUT A HELMET .

THEY PUT A  GLOWSQUID HEAD ON HIM

OH MY GOD MUMBO MADE A NOTEBLOCK SONG?? AJUDA

SCARS BUILTING IS SO SO SOOS GOREGOUS SERIOUSLY GO WATCH THE VIDEO OH MY GOD ITS HUGE

its a giant ass house boat wagon . its pulled by a llama . that killed him . so now its trapped, pulling hte agon, forever

Grian: “..Thats a very big house, for a very little hat.”

GRIANS SUPER SPECIAL EGG??

SCAR PUNCHED IT..

they really came out here . and killed the egg already.

Scar: “..I touched the thing”

TANGO POV

We see the three big eyed boys forming <3 they interrupted Tangos intro

THEY’RE BULLYING HIM ABOUT HAVING SMALL EYES AHIDUIASUHDWIS

HE TRIED TO CALL THE TRIO TEAM BUG EYE... THE OTHERS ARE VERY OFFENDED

they found an axolotl and Bdubs was TERRIFIED just screaming “WHAT IS THAT YELLOW THING?!”

BDUBS IS ATTACKING IT ???

okay nope Bdubs caught one and Tango lost it

Bdubs is naming his axolotl Idiot

AMAZING HOUSE. WHY IS TANGO SO GOOD AT BUILDING AND REDSTONE??

Impulse POV

MUMBO TRIED TO PLACE DOWN A BERRY BUSH TO HURT IMPULSE . HE FORGOT HOW BUSHES WORK..

I DIDNT EVEN NOTICE THAT IMPULSE WAS IN THE BOATEM POLE

so it looks like those four are hteo nes who grouped up together

PEARL BROKE THE CONSTITUION SHE GOT IN THE WRONG BOAT SMH

THIS IS SEASON EIGHT! FIVE BROS !

So its gonna be about five people in the same area!!

YOO!! Fantasy build for Impulse!!

G gave Impulse a spyglass, they had a fun moment of zooming in on eachothers face and complimenting eachother IHAUDIHAW

Grian and Impulse worked on an xp farm!

ASHDUIWAHISD GRIAN JUST LOGGED ON INFRONT OF HIM

a pillager stole his boat . not just any pillager . the one with a banner. </3

he has to live with Mumbo tuning a song .. </3 haha

Mumbo POV

it took fifteen seconds until Grian ran in during Mumbos intro

CONFIRMED? GRIAN WAS FIRST DEATH?

SECOND PERSON TO THINK MUMBOS PANTS ARE SKIN COLOR. GRIAN..

Grian: “Can you..Briefly explain why you’re just wearing a hawaiian shirt?” Mumbo: “Uh- what do you mean ‘just wearing a hawaiin shirt? I have shorts on as-well, dude”

FOLLOWED BY

Mumbo: “Can you explain why you’re wearing a red jumper?” Grian: “You know- you know i was born with this!”

MUMBO AND GRIAN STOLE THE BOAT LOOT FROM RENDOC

I THINK RENDOC JUST STOLE THE DIAMOND MUMBO THREW??

Grian: “Is that Scar?” Mumbo: “I can’t see past your giant waffle!”

DSFSDFJIOA they did an edit where they placed down a boat, both Mumbo and Grian got in, they made noises and then bopped up on top of the ravine they were in <3

THEY HAVE NO BRAINCELL THEY JUST PLACED DOWN A BENCH AND SAID “THIS IS THE MARK OF OUR VILLAGE!” and then placed a torch and a boat and a bed and aANOTHER BED..

..Mumbo is trying to be a pacifist this season!

Grian’s taunting him with beheaded things

And obviously part of being pacifist means he’s gonna be vegetarian in minecraft!

..he cannot use monster farms because pacifisim..

Mumbo was in the middle of reading the magical Timmy shack that Tango made (did i remember to mention that? who knows) and IN THE MIDDLE OF GETTING TO THE PART ABOUT IF YOU REMOVE STUFF FROM THE CHEST, NOTHING WILL BE ADDED IN IT AGAIN. Grian opened the chest . Mumbo SHOUTED HIAUDHUW Grian jumped man

They renamed it “Cave of Do Not Enter” HIAUEDUH

Mumbo and Scar BOTH did not know- at least Mumbo didn’t, Scar forgot,  that podzol spawns from two-by-two spruce..

him and his guitar song to be played underneath his house.. it goes with the aesthetic i suppose

MAN HE NEEDS SO MUCH HAYBALES I FORGOT THATS NEEDED FOR THE TUNE HE WANTS

Mumbo: “What.. On Earth.. Scar, it’s meant to be a starterbase, buddy! What is this? This is many things, many many things, a starterbase is NOT one of them!”

HE LITERALLY DIDNT KNOW THAT THE DRAGON EGG TELEPORTS... WHEN YOU TOUCH IT...

BDUBS

nothing special we havent seen yet!! just him screaming about axolotls.

He was working in the Mesa in his intro, skipping the “speech” from Mumbo

He released Idiot the Axolotl and lost it .

Him SCREAMING “Gemini” is HILARIOUS

While Gemini gave away those three diamonds, Keralis got so excited he won a bet with Tango and Bdubs, that he gave back . two of the diamonds . and none of htem released until well after they left

Bdubs: “That’s why i have my mwoss skin!” PLEASE I LOVE THE WAY HE SAYS IT.. make the moss hood.. REAL..

it took me a while to figure out what his base is but i LOVE IT so so much!!!

Nothing much new to add !!

Stress pov

please i love her . very good !! False seems to have joined her sheerly because Stress sounded like she knew what she was doing. she does not.

False felt peerpressured and asked Stress for permission to fight her because everyone was killing eachother .

It ended up with Stress following False. they found a village!

ISKALL only saw him one other time today!!

JEVIN APPEARS AGAIN !

XISUMA FELL INTO HTE BREEDER AND IT WAS SO FUNN IUAHHYIAUSD

Ren: “Ya look goregous, Stress!” Stress: “Thanks! Don’t murder my dog!”

She’s so proud of herself for caving!! (with False n Gem

Iskall blew up!

..Iskall fell from a high place

Stress has a LOVELY ravine base!!

False

False wants to become pirates with Stress <3

gatekeep gaslight girlboss

BIG OL MUSHROOM HOUSE !!

it looks like a mushroom church and i LOVE IT.

Nothing new we didn’t see from Gem. She does want to come up with a banner design for her base, though!

Grian

..Mumbo just thought Grian had a purpose so decided to follow him <3

ALSO HIS INTRO, AS HE JOKED ABOUT IN THE OTHERS VIDEO, WAS, IN FACT, THE BOATEM POLE

Grian is SO PROUD of the fact taht they got good loot from a treasure map. Ren and Doc are NOT IMPRESSED

Grian: “Lets go, potato boy!”

Mumbo: “I don’t have to replace everything I break! Peace Love and Plants- are these plants..?” He says, mining amethyst

pants

he who controls the egg, controls the server... Grian.. you’re doing great sir

...He decided.. his goal.. is to make his OWN..caves and cliffs update... HELLO..?

Grian was the first one to kill the enderdragon, MAN. Speedrunning career WHEN? /j

Grian: “And now [Mumbo] is flexing on my bed!”

he might not have a base. but he has an egg.

It is now 2am. i cannot do this anymore. This will be continued.. tomorrow!

[yeochikin]

nail polish. | k. yeosang & j. wooyoung

a/n: phew this is probably a long one? but i really enjoyed writing this aaaa ;; thank you @lilvoncat for requesting this! i hope you don’t mind if i added both of them into this fic aha. i hope you enjoyed reading this just as much as i enjoyed writing it! 💖✨ 

“on a scale of one to ten, one being the lowest, how much do the two of you trust me?”

at the sudden question, wooyoung and yeosang looked up from their phones to look at their childhood friend, y/n. the two boys merely looked at each other in question with a brow quirked up at the same time before deadpanning at their friend.

“a close three.” yeosang nonchalantly answered.

“a four for me.” wooyoung chimed in, earning a snort coming from yeosang which caused a low groan to be emitted from the one questioning.

feigning a hurt expression, y/n placed a hand over her chest where her heart was located dramatically alongside a low moan out of disapproval, bringing her free hand up to wipe a fake tear away, much to yeosang’s amusement at how exaggerated her act was.

“oh, come on. you guys have been friends with me since we were- what, since kindergarten.” she whined and pouted down at the two boys in front of her, who remained unfazed by their friend’s act. totally been too used to see through the puppy-ish act of hers as they knew too well that she would pull that look whenever she wanted something from them.

to a stranger’s point of view, the three of them were simply an odd combination. yeosang being the quiet one of the group, yet would not hesitate to send a snide comment or two when things weren’t right in his place. though it wasn’t his fault really, he has always been looking like as if his gaze would freeze someone in their place but really, it was just his face. beneath all that monotonous exterior, lies a prankster. yeosang would sometimes consider his silent nature a boon considering how he was able to get away with his little pranks but don’t worry, all of his pranks are merely harmless. from giving sour candies to drawings his own little character he created (hehetmon, was what he called them) on someone’s notebook with a little message in them.

next there’s wooyoung, the loud and most energetic out of the three. he has always been the social butterfly, even if he passed by the hallways on the way to his classes, you could expect a few students would send him a greeting or a simple fist bump as they rushed to their classes. other than being a social butterfly of the campus, everyone would recognize the sound of his laugh far too well, even when you are at quite a distance from him. it was endearing really, everyone somehow found it contagious as they would soon find themselves elicit a chortle along. when either yeosang or y/n were not around, you could always see him hanging out with his other friend, though for some reason his friend had a quite similar laugh with wooyoung’s.

and then there’s y/n. she's a bit odd really. from one person, they could describe her as the soft spoken girl with a laid back attitude yet would always seem like she's holding herself back from talking about a certain topic. and to another person, she was the ball of energy with an interesting humour. considering how people have seen her mostly hanging out with yeosang or wooyoung, or even with the both of them, they would always think that the attitudes from the two boys somehow rubbed off on her. but in all honesty, y/n preferred to say that she is her own person whenever someone confronted her with the certain question.

surely, the three never minded with all of their quirks and habits. of course a few harmless teasings here and bickers were present yet it was never an issue to the three. besides, what's a close friendship without any teasings and making fun of each other?

wooyoung released a low sigh and leaned forward, resting both elbows on his knees. “fine, what do you want?”

the question was enough to make y/n clasp her hands together and bounced on the balls of her feet excitedly, “can we.. can we paint our nails?”

silence suddenly hung over the three, save for the occasional doors closing from y/n’s neighbours in her apartment floor along with the passing of various vehicles outside. y/n could only bite down on the plush muscle of her lower lip as she waited for the answer from the two boys.

yeosang looked unbothered, as per usual, while wooyoung suddenly bursts out laughing his high pitched laugh, “i'm sorry, i think i heard you wrong. i thought i heard you saying you wanted to paint our nails? together?”

“that's what i just said.” y/n deadpanned.

“oh, you’re actually serious.”

“i'm gonna have to sit this one out, i have to go for a presentation tomorrow and you know how much of a neat freak professor park is. who knows how many marks he'll deduct from me if he sees it.” yeosang reasoned, resting his arm over the couch and leaned back.

“and what made you wanna paint your nails all of the sudden? i thought you weren't into, what, nail art?” wooyoung added, amused at how the girl in front of him formed a little pout with her lips with her hand rubbing the back of her nape.

“i just saw a few vids. you know, the diy kind of vids, and i thought they looked easy to try so..” she trailed off.

“and i'm guessing since you can't really do it on your own, you want us to be your involuntary volunteers huh?” wooyoung concluded, watching as y/n completely disregarded the way he sounded reluctant and instead, showed him her best puppy eyed look.

wooyoung stared at her for a few seconds before groaning to himself. “you better make it look good.” he grumbled underneath his breath, the frown that was playing over his lips soon being replaced by a little smile at the sight of y/n fist pumping the air while cheering.

of course, until a certain blond objected.

“i'm not gonna do it, y/n. professor park will have my he-”

“i'll buy you chicken after classes.”

“say less.”

so, here they are. seated on the carpeted floor just so they could be at an appropriate height in front of the coffee table, spending the rest of their rainy  afternoon listening through a nail art tutorial video. for someone who objected to it strongly at first, yeosang sure was paying close attention to the video, admiring at how the person painted the nails so smoothly, occasionally letting out ooh’s and ahh’s every time the top coat was applied.

“no, no, i want red and black stripes!” wooyoung whined with a childish pout plastered over his visage upon seeing y/n pulling out a navy blue coloured nail polish.

“okay, how about we make it navy blue and silver on one hand while the other red and black?” y/n asked, to which wooyoung reconsidered the negotiation with a purse of his lips.

“okay not bad, but only if you'll let me paint your nails in black and white, like zebra prints?” he added, eyes focused on how carefully the female painted over his nails.

“and me painting hehetmon on your other hand?” yeosang chimed in, brows all furrowed in concentration at the little circles he was painting on his index finger, tip of his tongue peeking out the corner of his lips in the process.

“well, i don't really have a choice, do i? i mean, i did ask you guys to do this with me.” y/n simply said, gently blowing onto wooyoung's fingers and leaning back afterwards to admire her work.

after an hour of the occasional bickerings being shared with a touch of inner jokes thrown in here and there, the trio were finally done with their own little work, wooyoung letting out a yawn, yeosang releasing a groan from the stiff muscles on his back that was aching due to being hunched for too long, and y/n stretched both of her arms out to ease the knots in her muscles. the female’s eyes glanced over at the coffee table they were sat at, and she couldn't help but to notice the little mess they made.

some of the nail polish had gotten onto the surface of the table, some of the caps weren't closed properly, cotton balls strewn in random spots of the table, and a few glitter flakes here and there. but she didn't care. instead, y/n looked over at their painted hands before grinning to herself. albeit a bit messily, y/n was actually liking how wooyoung had painted her nails in a simple black and white theme while on her other hand, hehetmon was painted on the nail of her thumb followed by a simple solid colour on her other nails, courtesy of the one and only, kang yeosang.

“huh, for almost rejecting me earl-” she started.

“for the record, we did reject you.” yeosang cut her off, only to be hushed by the female which caused him to roll his eyes in a playful manner towards his friend.

“you guys did a pretty good job painting my nails, i'm impressed.” she continued, holding out her hands in front of her with a wiggle of her fingers as if to show the two boys their results. wooyoung, being the cheeky one as per usual, puffed his chest out and nudged her side with his elbow.

“of course we did. gotta admit that this was fun though, we haven't been spending much time with each other now that everything's been hectic.” the raven haired boy commented, to which, y/n and yeosang could only agree in response.

silence hung over the three once again. though it wasn't awkward, it was comfortable.

that was, until wooyoung shifted around in his place to take out his phone. “let's take a picture, we know how our little y/n here loves to… capture the moment.” wooyoung laughed loudly upon hearing the groans of his two friends from the little joke he just made yet quickly getting into place.

y/n was squished in between the two with her hands cupping her cheeks, as if to proudly show off her freshly painted nails. yeosang was next to her holding up a bottle of one of the nail polishes y/n had brought out earlier, cheek pressing against the top of the girl’s head. wooyoung made sure that all three of them were in the frame before his lips stretched out into a wide beam, counting down until…

click.

the three looked down at the picture then at each other, each having a huge grin on their faces, only then taking a few more pictures. with every click, comes with a new pose. with every picture, comes with a few teasings and boastings.

and with every moment shared, comes with a precious memory to be treasured.

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-09-29

More Homestuck time!  Continuing on the outside-canon plot.  Livebloggin’ starts now...

> CHAPTER 14. The Best Laid Plans

Wait, who’s house is this?  Was this Roxy’s?  (When I saw a glimpse browsing my twitter feed during the debate, I saw Yiffy on the ground accosted.)

> (==>)

THEY’RE JUST HOME?!?!?????

HOW???  HOW could the heat be off so badly?

Jane’s arrogant, but one of the CHARACTERISTICS of her arrogance is that she underestimates the character and capability of her political opponents.  How would she NOT consider the possibility that these kids would return home again even while the heat was on??  How would she assume that JOHN would be too smart to come back to--

...oh right, she may not know John is involved or willing to do anything.  That’s fair.  But the kids??

I’m sure there’s going to be SOME sort of explanation of why the heat is off.  Also, I wonder who made that anti-Jane battle plan chart?  John himself, or Karkat or something?  Karkat’s usually the chart-er.

JOHN: wow, i feel like i'm barely keeping myself sitting. JOHN: if it weren't for keeping you kids safe i'd be out there right now!

Hm.  Are they counting on the fact that Crockercorp would KNOW that John and Vriska are both there to intimidate them from moving in against them?  From a sheer difference-in-firepower standpoint after Vriska’s big display?

HARRY: and some of us aren't gods and shit. JOHN: i'm detecting a hint of judgement in your voice, there, harry anderson JOHN: don't you enjoy being a part of all this? finally getting to be in the thick of it all? HARRY: i mean i was having a fine time at school, if i'm being honest. HARRY: all this tear-assing back and forth between my home and various points of interest over the past few days has me pretty beat.

Yeah, most kids don’t appreciate being involved in war.  Even Vrissy immediately showed some regrets no matter how much she liked to think of herself as wanting to get out there.

HARRY: also i wouldn't call this "the thick of it all" JOHN: oof, getting air quotes'd by my own son. JOHN: we had to hide in a forsythia bush on the way back here when that drone flew by! JOHN: that's the thick of father-son hijinks if i ever saw it! JOHN: well, modern day war hijinks, but i'll take what i can get, you know??

(Be more considerate, John!!)  Hm, so they DID sneak their way back in here?  I mean, John’s powers may have helped them get through unnoticed, but this is still a big stretch.

HARRY: i'm not knocking the old adrenaline thrill, or helping out Vrissy's moms or anything. HARRY: i'm just saying i was literally just here and you told me to leave, so i hope this is where we're gonna park it for a minute. HARRY: a boy's gotta breathe. JOHN: yeah, well, this wasn't my plan, either. JOHN: but rose sent out some false intel about us heading toward my house, so technically this is the safest place we can be right now, since they cleared the area and everything. JOHN: i guess.

Ahhhh.  Okay.  Yeah, a Seer of Light can float an attention lure and know it’ll be an effective enough distraction.

HARRY: hmm. JOHN: what? HARRY: now YOU look like you're hiding some extra commentary. JOHN: oh, i don't need to burden you with all the bureaucratic stuff, it's boring. HARRY: well now hold up, dad. HARRY: a minute ago you were all "we're in the fight together," and now you're backing out of sharing the details? JOHN: it's not really- HARRY: am i a part of this or not? JOHN: well i'd sure say you were! JOHN: but i guess maybe my thoughts on what is or isn't right for the operation aren't up to snuff. JOHN: because here i am, sitting in the dugout, same as you. HARRY: in the dugout?

Mhmm, John’s sore about Rose not counting on John as a heavy hitter.  He got back INTO this in part because he missed all the action and relevance, and now they’re telling him to stop and stand still?  That’s never been a command John’s easily agreed with.  For now, protecting the kids (Blood!) is enough to keep him sitting, but if they (and Vriska) start encouraging him...

HARRY: plus i wouldn’t have been able to get your measurements for some clothes that actually fit you if we hadn’t come back here where all my sewing stuff is.

Thank god, we might get a non-embarrassing god-pajamas John back

HARRY: you were getting pretty into everything back there with rose and them? getting to be with the old crew and everything, like the stories you told me about the game? JOHN: yeah. HARRY: that sucks. JOHN: i had a good plan, too! JOHN: it just wasn't good enough for karkat, i guess. JOHN: i'm just not "experienced enough in combat strategy"

Oh huh, so that’s John’s discarded plan he’s holding.  Karkat's faction hasn’t quite succeeded the bloody (heh) way so far, perhaps he needs John’s Breath to add some inspiration to it for the most success but they’re not giving him enough credit?  It’s hard to blame them for doubting him, though.

JOHN: that is a plus of being here, at least. JOHN: it's been really nice to get to spend so much time with you. HARRY: um. yeah, it's not so bad. HARRY: anyway, before you ruffle my hair or anything, it looks like things are getting a bit heated between the vriskas over there. HARRY: maybe we should offer them a snack to bring the mood back down? JOHN: me, mess up your hair when you’ve worked so hard on that look? i do know you at least that well, harry anderson HARRY: thank god.

Cute!

VRISKA: So you actually want to know what I’m thinking now? You want my opinion? VRISSY: Um...Yes? VRISSY: I'm not Really Sure what’s going on right Now. VRISKA: What? VRISSY: I just was wondering why you’re so pissed off at me. VRISKA: What the fuck are you talking about? VRISKA: I’m not pissed at you, you haven’t done shit 8asically at all since i’ve been here. VRISKA: I just can’t 8elieve I’m 8ack stuck in this tacky rumpusblock after all of that!

Both Vriskas are constantly assuming the other Vriska is thinking about them because they’re both Vriska, when they’re really both self-cente-- no, that’s not quite true.  Vrissy constantly assumes Vriska is thinking about her when she isn’t, and Vriska is somewhat grated because Vrissy belongs in this universe and she isn’t? Or--

Gosh they both have so many issues going on and firewalls up that I can’t actually make heads or tails of it.  Usually what’s on Vriska’s mind is painfully obvious from her dodges, but Vrissy is so oblique with her OWN weird thought processes that-- god I dunno

VRISSY: We could do Something if You Wanted. VRISKA: Huh? VRISSY: If you’re 8ored. VRISSY: This isn’t my House, but Harry has video games and Movies and shit. VRISSY: Actually, we’re pro8a8ly 8etter off not watching his movies. VRISSY: His taste is Worse than His Dad’s. VRISKA: AGGGHHH!!!!!!!!

They’re from two different worlds, yeah.

VRISKA: No, I don’t want to watch a fucking movie! How the fuck can you think a8out movies????????? VRISKA: How are you okay with any of this? VRISSY: Any of What? VRISKA: 8eing left at home like a couple of dri88ling of wigglers!

Vriska invests all of her self-worth in what she can bring to the table relevance-ways.  Her self-esteem couldn’t survive the sidelines.

VRISKA: How are you so calm right now? Your lusii were training you, right? And you’re a troll, you’re definitely five times stronger than a human! And if you’re my clone, you are way more 8adass than little miss Fussy Fangs. VRISKA: I can’t 8elieve you just stayed 8ehind?!?? VRISSY: Well...they told me to. And they’re my Moms.

COMPLETELY different lives.  Vriska has never really accepted, never really KNEW what “peaceful life” is actually supposed to be, nor how alluring and satisfying it is.

VRISKA: Clearly not a good plan, 8ecause then I would 8e part of it! VRISKA: What’s the point of me even coming to this shitty fake reality if I’m not supposed to fix it?

hahahahahahahaha

VRISSY: Yeah, they told me about That stuff, but a Lot of the Shit that Happened in the Session if just not in the History Books. VRISSY: You weren’t Really mentioned that Much. VRISKA: Excuse me? VRISSY: People know who you Are, 'cause we had to Memorize the names of Every one of the Players, Even the ones who didn’t last very Long. VRISKA: You’re trying to tell me that there’s a whole recorded history of SGRUB, and I’m not in it?  VRISSY: You’re not not in it.  VRISSY: I guess they Mostly Focused on the Creators who Ascended, you know?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

--hm, what if some of the pre-retcon timeline where Vriska WASN’T as involved DID fold its way into this one?  Explaining Jane remembering Gamzee showing up early in her session to sell her troll blood when that was (if we’re remembering right, correct me if I’m wrong) erased by the retcon in favor of Vriska time-traveling in in his place?

VRISKA: Whoever was schoolfeeding you was a complete 8ulgesucker, because I “ascended” 8efore any of the humans did!! VRISKA: Literally 8illions of years 8efore, since our session was the one that created theirs!!!!!!!! VRISKA: I was the 8ne who 8uided John’s 8uffoonish 8lue ass all the way through his first 8ew days in the Medium! VRISKA: I m8de all the plans to take down the J8cks! VRISKA: I SINGLE H8ND8DLY! VRISKA: CURED YOUR MOTHER’S FUCKING ALCH8LISM!!!!!!!! JOHN: uh, vriska, everything okay over there? VRISKA: EVERYTHING’S FINE, J8HN! JOHN: okay. JOHN: do you girls want a snack? VRISKA: AAAAGGH!

HA!

HARRY: vriska, eat whatever. HARRY: just not the zebra cakes, those are mine.

(Zebra cakes are kinda Barbasol-bomb-like, right? Doom thing, because black-and-white stripes like most of the black-and-white-striped explosives in Homestuck? --Nah that’s a stretch.)

> (==>)

--That’s not Jane’s head, that’s JOHN’S head giving a thumbs up.  Wow.

...Your plan prominently features Yiffy even though you didn’t know she existed until a couple hours ago?

JOHN: so anyway, as you can see, this would have worked just fine! HARRY: no i think karkat’s right. this looks like shit, dad. JOHN: you know, me letting your earlier use of the word "fuck" slide wasn't a blanket approval for all cursing in front of me. HARRY: sorry. HARRY: try not to make such a shit plan, and i won't call it that. JOHN: haha wow.

Harry really is his son, wow

HARRY: i mean, i still can't believe i told vrissy and them to bring a dead celebrity to school. HARRY: what was i THINKING. JOHN: you were thinking it sounded hilarious! JOHN: but yeah, in hindsight, maybe not the best call. JOHN: maybe it’s genetic? HARRY: yeah.

Harry really is his son, wow

HARRY: i kinda can’t believe we’re all still alive, actually. HARRY: and how did YOU make it this far, being so bad at this? JOHN: i had my friends with me, i guess.

Pretty much!

Plus, they haven’t really had time to talk about what happened with Dave, yet, and he doesn’t want to tank the mood by bringing him up.

Glad John’s taken some time to deal with that offscreen, so he can keep being cheery here.

He’d spent so long seeing mostly the best parts of Roxy in Harry Anderson. He forgot, he guesses, to look for himself in there, too. And if what they have in common right now is a lack of strategic foresight, hey, he’ll take it.

Hah, fair enough!

JOHN: speaking of friends, i will say the snacks were a good call, at least! JOHN: i don’t hear any more screaming, anyway. JOHN: see, that's one good plan between the two of us!

--they left, didn’t they.

> (==>)

HARRY: oh, that was definitely them leaving, wasn’t it. JOHN: ah.

--So was Vrissy peer-pressured along, or practically abducted?

> (==>)

--Oh, this was the picture I glimpsed and scrolled past on Twitter!  She’s not on the ground, she’s running-- good.

> (==>)

--ALREADY!  Fuck yes!  :D

(and those cute paws on jade’s gloves wow)

> (==>)

--Oh I thought that was an air-lift! No, they were just diving to the ground with her.

Man, the pacing of this panel-to-panel composition throws me SO much.  Stuff happens without being properly established, and we’re shown the wrong keyframes to internalize it easily.  (I hope I don’t have to keep mentioning how much I miss Andrew’s talent at it, even though the art WITHIN panels is better here.)

So Jane is confronting them with soldiers.

ROSE: Oh, is this one of those rare and marvelous beasts, the "villain speech"? ROSE: I've written one or two in my time. ROSE: I'm on the edge of my seat. I hope it's better than your political material; I've always found that rather trite. JANE: I haven't given a political speech in years, Ms. Lalonde. I don't know what you're referring to. I'm just a simple business woman. JADE: right with her own talk show JADE: and multi billion dollar merchant company and lobbying groups! JANE: That's what a business woman is, Jade, dear.

--ah, in this perspective maybe Jane DOESN’T have the resources to be “everywhere” yet.  Makes more sense that they could’ve left the home unguarded.

JANE: But enough of that. I'll skip straight to the point. JANE: You are on my territory, in the presence of my secret police, laying your hand on my investment.

QUIT DEHUMANIZING THE GIRL

JANE: You think I come anywhere unprepared? I haven't left the house without an armed guard in years. ROSE: Is it the libidinous power rush that comes from snapping your fingers at men with guns, or are you worried that you might accidentally do something heroic?

Rose usually has decent snapbacks I guess

I don’t think Rose’s plan was to admit themselves into custody like Jane is asking, but I’m not ruling it out.

> (==>)

(this image is so cute)

JADE: wow could you be any more full of yourself?? JADE: shut the fuck up for a minute and look up!

> (==>)

Ahwhoops.  Jane misunderstood who’s in control of the situation.

> (==>)

Ooh!  That’s threatening.  :)

(Tavros is playing along, but he doesn’t HAVE to fake that sweat.)

KANAYA: If You Make One Single Move I Will Bite Him Directly On The Exterior Shout Tunnel KANAYA:  I Will Turn Your Son Into A Rainbow Drinker KANAYA: Then You Will Have A Rainbow Drinker Son JANE: That's not how troll vampirism works, don't treat me like an imbecile! JANE: You think I don't know everything there is to know about your disgusting biology? KANAYA: KANAYA: Okay Then I Will Just Break His Fucking Neck

HAH

Yeah, mutual child-threat standoff.  Jane isn’t going to make that sacrifice, AND can’t be SEEN making that sacrifice.

> (==>)

Jane Crocker hesitates.

This is something that she used to do regularly. Hesitate. Stop and think and weigh her options. Talk out every possible scenario and the impact they might have, morally and optically and socially. What would the political apparatus think? What would her social media followers think, her friends? As the years went by and she honed her instincts, she found herself doing this less and less.

Yeah, the difference between deserving a Just death or not is whether you’re willing to check yourself and allow another’s will to override your own.  To allow someone who ISN’T you to have a say in how reality unfolds, to consider that what you want may not be right.

The impact that her words made became lessened when spread out across such a wide and thirsty audience, as public sentiment began to swing her way. She stopped thinking about how she would be received, and more about how she could play to the people she knew would receive her favorably. 

Yeesh.  Topical.

Looking up she sees Tavvy with tears in his eyes. Rage and guilt surge inside her. This situation is not her fault.

Anger is based in fear.  Jane is not just afraid for Tavros, but afraid that she’s at fault.  And the more she fears and has to deny that, the angrier she’ll get.

Is it angry enough to make a rash decision here?

> (==>)

JANE: This situation is not my fault! 

Jesus, she even said it out loud?

JANE: I'm the only one who has taken any interest in her upbringing or education! JANE: Or have you forgotten who has been paying for her schooling and taking charge of her introduction into society? JADE: i never asked you to do that! JADE: you offered! JADE: so stop calling me ungrateful for not sucking your dick over things i never asked for!

Taking something that was a clear, ostensibly-selfless gift and using it as a transactional club.  I hate that.  Nothing shows how transparently little you actually believed in the “selfless thing to do” than that.

> (==>)

She can't just stand here and let herself be humiliated, allowing two architects of the insurgency mess her around like this.

If they were to kill Tavros, the entire world would see them commit this war crime. And weighed in the balance, Lalonde and Harley would be off the playing board. Saving your daughter certainly counted as a heroic death, and with the damage they'd done to humanity, it would also probably be just.

Tavros has not called out for her once. Perhaps he knows what her choice was always going to be.

Whoa you made that choice pretty easily, psycho-Jane.  Are you actually gonna try it???

> (==>)

JAKE: Tavvy! 

Oh shit, the plan!  :D

--if Jake isn’t just.  Um.  Taking the threat to Tavvy seriously, not having realized this was a bluff.  Um.  Jake?

> (==>)

That looks like he’s taking it seriously.  Shit.

At least Jane will look like even MORE of a monster if she gives the order this way.

> (==>)

JANE: Stand down!

I don’t think Jake’s gonna listen to you when it comes to Tav’s safety anymore.

> (==>)

JANE: Get out of my sight.

Oh.

Is she letting Jade, Rose and Yiffy go?  --probably, but it’s unclear.

Damn this panel-to-panel framing not conveying what’s going on properly.

Guess that’s it for now!  Patreon Commentary....... I’ve been putting off the commentary backlog for a long time, but I think the Homestuck Commentary coverage deficit still has to wait a while longer because the World Is A Fuck and I have to devote more time to stress relief than usual.  Take care y’all

EDIT: extra bit on gamzee corpse here

[halorocks1214]

the law of equivalent exchange

AO3 Link

Word Count: 4182

Just like all my other plot bunnies, this got three times longer than I estimated. Whoopsies. At least I’m fairly proud of this. Another title for this fic could be ‘something that I would love to see happen in the finale but know it won’t so I’ll just write it myself instead.’ I was probably going to write this fic regardless, but @gumnut-logic​‘s #FabFiveFeb just gave me one heck of a push to do so sooner than later. Hope you enjoy!

Warnings for The Hood being the creep he is and no-no words. There’s one F-bomb because I can’t seem to not have at least one.

“No! You can’t!”

Alan should probably be focusing on whatever the heck John was yelling at Scott for over the comms (let’s face it, Scooter, you haven’t been making the rashest decisions as of late), but he barely heard his older brother to begin with. With the blood rushing to his ears and his heart reverberating ten times faster than healthy throughout his entire body, all Alan could really focus on was trying not to pass out.

When his body decided to properly function, he tried reaching to turn his comms on as quickly as possible, but the figure he was praying to God to be a hallucination started talking, freezing Alan’s movements completely.

“Now then, Alan, let’s not be rash. I just want to talk. Is that so bad?”

Hand hovering over the button, Alan gulped down any fear he was wearing on his face to glare at The Hood directly in his eyes. If this was the stupid way he was going to go out, then he won’t be going out like a coward.

Against all of his training and judgment, Alan took his hand away from his comm and brought them calmly down to his sides. His whole stance was taut, and he at least hoped he looked more threatening than a lion cub play fighting with its siblings, “I don’t know, I would say it is considering who you are.”

The Hood chuckled, turning Alan’s stomach inside out. Alan just couldn’t understand this man. Ever. The way he slyly grinned as if he were some suave bachelor and not a creepy murderer. Alan tried desperately to cool the nausea in the pit of his gut as his family’s sworn enemy continued to speak, “As an honorable man even I have to admit defeat from time to time. You Tracys beat me fair and square, and the only way I caught up involved cheating. I was surprised I could sneak onto the ship as I did. Very well, Jeff Tracy is yours once again.”

Wait, what?

Alan blinked in shock before his brain caught up to him, making him bring back his glare, “There’s a catch here.”

The Hood raised his eyebrows at the way the boy spoke his words. It was not a question, no, the youngest Tracy stated them as if it were a matter of fact. The Hood’s smile grew wide, “You’re always quick on the uptake, Alan. Even if I lost this race, I did come out all this way. I can’t leave with nothing, not after all the time and effort I gave up. Surely, you understand that?”

Chills fled down Alan’s spine at the speed of the Zero-X. The gleam in The Hood’s eyes slowly morphed into hunger, like a starving lion about to make a move on an ill and weak zebra. Alan was pretty damn sure he wasn’t weak nor ill, and he didn’t feel like growing black and white stripes at the moment.

The Hood stood to his full height, “Have you ever heard of the saying “An Eye for an Eye”?”

Alan’s glare dropped off his face and went right back to the wide-eyed fear he had at the start, making him look a few years younger than he was. Screw looking fierce, he needed help. He needed his brothers.

Once again, he reached to get to his comms. Even if it were only one word, one second, one yelp of pain or fear, his brothers would realize something was wrong and come running. He hated it, occasionally, how he would always be seen as the baby, but if it meant getting home and away from this freak, then Alan was willing to be swaddled and rocked to sleep as much as his older brothers wanted.

However, that familiar cold voice spoke out once again, somehow stopping time itself in the process.

“Ah ah ah, Tracy, I thought I told you to be careful with that thing.”

Alan was breathing heavy, minute trembles beginning to show, “G-Give me one good reason I shouldn’t, you m-monster.”

The Hood’s grin turned playful as if what Alan wasn’t getting was supposed to be obvious, “Have you been listening to your brothers’ predicament at all?”

What did that mean?! Shaking his head, Alan, much to his displeasure, started to completely ignore The Hood so he could turn up his comms to listen. Crap, he forgot about why they were even out here! Why haven’t they finished the mission? Why haven’t they been able to find Dad? From the way The Hood was talking, Alan figured the older man was going to let the teenager writhe in agony as he listened to whatever he’d been missing.

Suddenly, a new, semi-unfamiliar voice boomed through Scott’s side of the comms.

“--head that way. If Johnny’s calculations are correct, it should be the path of least resistance.”

That was followed by a louder Scott responding with, “Yes, Father.”

Continued and ended with Virgil stating, “Lead the way, Dad.”

Alan blinked a few times again, the hand he was holding up over the comms suddenly very heavy and stuck in place. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t find it in himself to contact his brothers for help. That was-- it was--

The Hood gleamed with anticipation at the recognition in Alan’s eyes, “If I can’t leave with anything, no one is. I’m positive you don’t want to be the one to ruin this for the rest of your family, do you?”

Ask Alan and he could very easily explain to you that his life could be broken into two parts. The parts had very simple descriptors too: With Dad and Without.

The Zero-X went up in flames before Alan was even ten-years-old, leaving a broken family and a confused child. A child that reacted like any other kid to losing a parent so young. He was sad and scared and for a while he just wanted his Dad to come back, even though his little mind knew it wasn’t possible.

But as the years went on, Alan got used to growing up without his dad in his life. Of course, the blonde missed him, and of course, he would do anything to get him back, but the sad fact of life was that Alan didn’t grow up with Jeff.

He grew up with his four older brothers and his grandma and Kayo and Brains and even Penny and Parker--

You catch what he was saying?

They tried to fill in the gap of a missing father with their own stab at being mock parents for the youngest Tracy. Alan suspected later in life that they did it in an attempt to fill their own gaps and heartbreak.

He would later start to think they failed at that latter objective as well.

That’s where the second part of his life came in to view. His brothers had many, many more years with their dad that they had to realize they would never have again. Scott was trained by Jeff with tips and tricks that nobody else in the Air Force knew. Jeff personally recommended John to the best of the best at NASA. Jeff took Virgil to meet one of the best mechanics in the world at the age of 12. Jeff was at every single one of Gordon’s swim meets to cheer him on.

Alan remembered being tucked into bed and pictures being hung up on the fridge and gold stars for eating his vegetables, and he was going to love getting that back, but he remembered Scott giving him piggybacks even more. John proofreading his papers even more. Virgil letting him sit on the piano bench while the older brother practiced more. Gordon teaching him how to dive into the deep end even more.

He also remembered Scott hiding a bottle of “adult juice” from Alan’s wandering eyes more than once, too many grey hairs for someone in their mid-twenties. He remembered how John was gone more and more, flinching at more and more hugs, only to be swallowed whole by the endless void that is space and Thunderbird 5, barely even being planetside for more than a fourth of the year.

Alan remembered how Virgil got quieter and quieter. Alan remembered the tap shoes, the musical scripts: they were currently collecting dust in the back of a random closet, shoved behind weight lifting gear and medical textbooks instead. And Gordon, his immediate older brother, his partner in crime... Alan wasn’t stupid. He knew Gordon dropped out of college and even the Olympics (after getting a freaking gold medal too!) to join WASP where he was nearly put in a goddamn chair.

Alan has been slowly watching his family barely try to hold it together, and it all started with dark laughter and a ball of fire over the ocean.

His brothers needed their father back, and no doubt Jeff wanted his sons back. Alan would hope he would want all of them too, but...

... After everything his brothers (and even Kayo and Brains and Grandma) have given up, surely Alan could give back, even if it’s just this one thing? Besides, Alan would hate himself forever if he was the reason they couldn’t complete their mission. He tends to feel that way on a failed missions anyway.

Yeah, right, the mission objective: get Dad back. Think of the mission, think of the mission. If that mantra was the only thing that was going to keep him convinced he was doing the right thing, then only he and The Hood would know.

Alan’s voice was breathy. It felt like if he spoke too loud the blood in his ears would make one final rush to try and bring him to la-la land, “... Do you promise?”

The Hood blinked and raised one eyebrow in a motion that spoke, ‘What did you just say? I wasn’t listening that hard in the first place.’

Alan’s trembling was more than minute, yet he forced his voice to be firm and steady this time. His glare was back to being fierce, and the fire in his eyes was redder than his ‘Bird. He enunciated just about every other consonant in his words, “If I go with you, do you promise to never go after them again? Because I know there’s no point in going with you if you just keep chasing them.”

The Hood stared blankly for a moment before his typical, creepy demeanor came back. With a few chuckles that brought physical bile up Alan’s throat, The Hood threw his arms out to his sides to make his point more clear, “Dear Alan, if you come with me there’s no point in doing so. There’s nothing I could do that could be worse.”

Jeez, way to kick a guy while he’s down. Alan flinched but continued to hold his head high, “I want your word.”

The Hood thinned his lips in disappointment. He still complied with Alan in the end, “Once you agree to come with me, I’ll take away what’s disrupting your unique vessel, leave your family alone for the rest of their lives, and then we’ll ‘get the heck out of dodge’ as you all say.”

Ew, that one was bad. He bet The Hood made it bad on purpose, the prick. Alan inhaled before exhaling the longest breath of his life, “Fine. Then you have a deal.” Like a true gentleman (Penny would be proud, right?), Alan held his hand out, initiating a handshake to seal the deal.

Then, suddenly, his watch started ringing. On the hand he was holding out. Alan found himself hating that noise for the first time in his life. Panicking, Alan made sure the hologram that appeared was himself and himself only, “H-Hey, brother! Did you find Dad yet?”

A familiar mop of ginger hair floated in between him and The Hood. Raising an eyebrow, John playfully rolled his eyes at his younger brother’s antics. Yes, let Alan play a little bit. They did just do the impossible, after all, “Actually, Alan, we did. Scotty and Virg are almost back with him. I was calling to let you know.”

That smile... the way John was sarcastically bantering with him... the nicknames... it was all because they were getting Dad back, wasn’t it? Alan felt tears mist his eyes. Their family really would be better off...

“Uh, Allie, you good?” Gordon’s voice rang out a few feet away from John

Crap crap crap. Bring it back, Alan, bring it back! “Uh-- yeah! Don't worry, I’m as cool as a cucumber in the middle of July! Hah...”

John’s eyebrow raise was no longer playful. In fact, it was filled to the brim with concern, “Are you sure? If you’re having trouble finishing up, Gordon could easily come up to help you out.”

Alan registered the strawberry blonde’s mmhhm with growing dread.

Dangit, guys, stop being such moms for once in your lives! “No! Wait--” Alan coughed into his hand to clear his throat. He looked away while doing so and then looked back at John with one of his familiar sly grins, “John, Godrz, I swear I’m good. It just took a little bit more to stabilize this part of the rocket. Just give me a few minutes to finish up and then I will be right there to celebrate with you all, got it?"

John contemplated his brother’s words before conceding. Alan was a trained member of IR. His judgment could even be better than theirs sometimes, “Okay.” John leaned his head out of the hologram for a moment before leaning back in with a cheeky grin, “Hey, don’t let Scott know I told you this, but if you want to rush your diagnostics, go ahead. I won’t blame you.”

Alan felt himself snickering along with Gordon. Yeah, this was the right thing to do, “FAB, Johnny, my lips are sealed.”

With a wave, John cut his video feed, leaving Alan in utter silence. Letting out a sigh of relief, Alan let his arms fall to his sides. Everything was going to be okay. Dad was back and could pilot the Zero-X in his place, his brothers would get back a vital part of their childhoods, The Hood would leave his family alone (Kayo would thank him for that one if she could), and things would go back to what it once was.

... He felt really dirty. He abused John’s trust for a reason his older brothers were going to hate themselves for. Alan was allowed to feel regret, right? Because--

Suddenly, Alan felt an arm around his shoulders bringing his tiny body to be closer to someone else. Okay, Alan wants to take it back, this is awful! God, he might genuinely throw up-- John wait--

“Aw, don’t be like that,” The Hood stated coyly, “After all, it appears we will have plenty of time to get to know one another. Better sooner than later, right?” The laughter that rung out in the room sounded like it came from an 80s sitcom dad.

Sweating bullets, Alan grinned in a way even a literal brick wall would know it was forced. So this is what it's like to walk into the pits of hell, good to know.

---

Scott couldn’t really describe what he was feeling at the moment.

The best word he could come up with was elation because holy fuck:

Dad was finally back.

When he stepped into the cockpit with the rest of his family, the world turned upside down, and in a good way. The first to leap out of his seat was Gordon, of course, but also with tears streaming down his face as he flung himself into his father’s arms for the first time in nearly a decade. Scott couldn’t remember for the life of him the last time Gordon genuinely cried. And he meant genuine, I can’t believe this is happening tears, not Gordon, it’s a fictional movie-- But they’re still puppies, Scott! tears.

Slowly stepping back, Gordon moved out of the way for John, who finally initiated a hug himself with no need for bribery, no need for Scott to promise there’s no ulterior motive behind a goddamn hug. John started talking about what he could add to his room back on the island now that I’ll be down more often and Scott thought himself would burst into tears.

Then there was Virgil. Oh, Virgil, who had the best teddy bear hugs in the entire galaxy, was holding back when it came to his dad as if the middle Tracy squeezed too hard the image in front of him would shatter into itty bitty little pieces that he couldn’t put back together again.

And Scott? Scott felt like he could finally breathe again. His dad being back meant he didn’t have to shoulder, well, everything in their lives anymore. At least, not like before. No more needing to be at every Tracy Industries conference, no more needing to be the constant head of IR relations. Sure, Scott wasn’t going to just drop it all, he’s not an asshole, but one day it’ll be a co-piloted effort, in a sense.

It was also going to be nice to just have an extra head around the house, for more than one reason. Chores won’t be so abundant, Grandma might not cook as often, Scott also needed help getting Alan a geography tutor of some kind, and their dad was always incredible at--

Oh, shit. Wait, where was Alan?

Scott bounded toward his four family members who were currently laughing as if nothing were wrong anymore, “Guys, where’s Alan?”

Both Virgil and Jeff jumped, the beginnings of guilt filling their bodies. Shit, of course, that should’ve been the first thing they asked! Before the self-hate train could leave the station, John waved them off in an attempt to calm them down, “Alan’s down in room C6, remember? We sent him down there to keep the ship stable while you two went out to find Dad’s signal.”

Gordon was wiping away his remaining tears as he grinned his biggest grin ever. He started walking out of the room to where his younger brother was waiting, “Y-Yeah, considering he piloted the rocket, we figured he would be better staying inside to keep it in one piece for the flight home.”

Jeff blinked. Alan did?...

A grin spread across his face at the news, a sharp bark of laughter exiting his chest before he could stop it, “Man, I knew he would be just as you guys one day. I’m just surprised it came so soon!”

Scott blinked at his father before his shoulders relaxed, “Yeah, no kidding. I can’t wait for him to tell you all his stories. Some of them are really killer.”

Jeff directed his grin towards Scott, ruffling the brunette's hair like all those years ago, “Me neither! Lead the way, boys.”

They all mindlessly chatted as they made their way to the youngest’s location, unaware of what was about to befall the family. They got to the place Alan stated he would be at and gave each other one last look. Their expressions were giddy: it felt like they were about to jump out and say Surprise! like one of Alan’s birthday parties.

Scratch ‘like’, it pretty much was that.

The door shhed open to a dark room, sending shivers down the family’s spine and killing the mood instantaneously. “Uh, Allie?” Virgil yelled out into the chillier-than-normal room. Suddenly the lights came on, blinding them for just a second. When they reopened their eyes, everyone’s heart dropped to the floor. Gordon would swear he heard five different, distinct thunks in the future.

Because Alan was very much not in the room, which meant he wasn’t keeping everything 'stable' like he said he would. The older Tracys wouldn’t be freaking out so much (maybe Alan just went to get air somewhere else? Heh) if it weren’t for the fact that Alan’s IR sash was laid on top of the control panel. It would’ve been more reassuring if it wasn’t so neatly folded either, to be honest.

The four brothers didn’t even think as they sprinted over to the scene.

Gordon and Virgil mindlessly grabbed the sash and unfolded it, as if their youngest brother were somehow hiding inside the object that was five times smaller than he was. Scott and John rushed over to the control panel and ran a quick but effective diagnostics to figure out what the hell just happened. Meanwhile, Jeff blinked a few times before gaining a serious look (John would later call it the good old fashion Jeff Tracy rage) as he went to join his two eldest sons in their scramble to figure out the why.

With a few beeps signaling the end of the diagnostic, John flinched before shakily bringing his hand to his chin, “This has been stable for the past 20 minutes...”

Scott bristled in anger, not at John, never at his brothers, but at the implications of those words, “What the hell does that mean?!”

John sharply inhaled before looking his older brother dead in the eyes, an emotion between fear and anger stirring within, “It means, Scott, that Alan was a dirty liar.”

Before Scott could question even further, Gordon piped up from his search of the red sash. His tan seemed much paler all of a sudden, “We... we called Alan right before you guys brought Dad back. He said he had to stay here to make sure everything continued smoothly as he just got it stabilized.”

Jeff could feel the self-loathing rolling off of his sons in waves. He wasn’t sure how to comfort them, though, as he wasn’t exactly sure how to anymore. He was sure he could have, but that idea flew right out the window when Virgil mentioned John didn’t really like surprise hugs nowadays (apparently, he "barely liked hugs longer than 5 seconds in the first place"). His second-born loved nothing more than to be swept off his feet from behind back when, well...

Plus, he has always tried his best to never be a hypocrite. He couldn’t help but feel responsible, just a little bit, “Boys, I can’t help but apologize for everything that appears to be happening. I--”

Before Jeff could continue, or any of his sons could argue with his apparent apology, Virgil finally got sick of the tension and aggressively shook Alan’s sash once more, causing a tiny roll of paper to fall out of the pocket. The one Alan specifically requested Grandma to sew on for him when the senior Tracy got the time.

Every family member present jumped as they felt their stomach rip in half. They all looked around at each other with anxiety clear in their eyes... but Jeff noticed that none of his sons looked at him. Clearly, they weren’t used to him being there just yet. Well, he might as well make up for lost time.

He took a step forward and bent over so he could grab the slip. Before he could blink, Scott snapped out of his funk and grabbed it much faster. Jeff didn’t even have a second to reassure his eldest it was okay before Scott rolled open the slip of paper and read it to himself.

Chaos reigned when his only response was to fall to his knees and drop the horrifying message.

“Scott?!” Virgil cried out. Both he and Gordon ran to their oldest brother’s side to find some way to measly comfort him. Meanwhile, John felt something akin to a panic attack coming on. What could Scott have read that made him react like that? John couldn’t move, so Jeff bit the bullet and finally picked up the note himself.

John was abruptly brought out of his head when he heard his father whimper. Yes, whimper, as if he were a baby deer that just got hit by a speeding car. Moving on autopilot, John walked over to his father’s side as the older man covered his hand with his mouth.

Jeff registered movement at his side. Not looking up, he shoved the note to whoever wanted to read it. More guilt filled the back of his head. He shouldn’t be subjecting his sons to this, he should try and protect them, but he would be lying if he said that didn’t feel pointless.

No, not Alan, not their baby.

Shaking slightly, John gripped the note to the point of wrinkles without looking at it. Inhaling once more, John ripped the bandaid off and read what was tearing his family apart one by one.

John was suddenly thankful he didn’t eat his bagel that morning. The last thing he wanted to do was throw up over all of his remaining family.

Do you remember what the alchemists in the olden days based their theories off of, Jeff?

Don’t worry if you can’t remember, I can just tell you.

It was a little something called The Law of Equivalent Exchange.

I win, Tracy. I always do.

[eldritchsurveys]

1013.

When was the last time you used a regular telephone? >> I don’t remember. It’s been quite a while.

How many times have your comments been top comments on YouTube? >> I don’t comment on Youtube videos.

Would you ever wear a wig? >> I’ve worn wigs many times, and yes, I would wear them in the future.

What did you learn today? >> I’m not sure I learned anything in particular today.

What are you most afraid of? >> Oh, stuff.

Are you watching TV as you fill out this survey? >> Nope. I couldn’t do that, my attention loathes being fragmented like that.

Have you ever tried to make a movie? >> No.

When’s the last time you turned something upside down? >> I have no idea...

Do you read books just for fun? >> That’s the only reason I read books -- well, that and to learn something new, but I still classify that as “fun”.

Do you like the moon or sun more? >> I’m pretty attached to the Sun.

Do you have any posters in your room? >> Yeah, that one poster that I talk about every time, that I never take down even though I keep saying I’m going to.

True or False: You burn a CD every day? >> Ha!!

Do you smile more than you frown? >> I don’t know. I think I’m neutral-faced most often.

Do you know anyone named Spencer? >> No.

When’s the last time you used an envelope? >> Last week, when I filled out my absentee ballot.

Do you sing in the shower? >> Yeah, if I know the words to the song that’s playing on Spotify at the time.

What’s your worst subject? >> ---

Do you ever go to the mall on weekdays? >> When I did go to the mall (you know, back in the pre-Covid days of yore), yeah, I usually went around midday on weekdays. It’s the best time to be in the mall if you don’t like crowds (and I don’t).

How often do you wash your pants? >> Well, we do laundry every weekend...

Would you rather have a million dollars or be able to fly? >> Neither.

Do you like Friday or Saturday nights more? >> I have no preference.

Have you ever been ice skating? >> Never.

Do you hate it when guys treat girls like crap? >> No, I actually think it’s great and excellent when people are mean to other people. >.>

Do you like turkey or ham more? >> Turkey.

When did you realize that Canadian bacon was just ham? >> I mean, I never really thought about it. It’s all just pig meat, idgaf.

Have you ever slapped someone’s butt? >> Maybe a long time ago.

Do you ever have sleepless nights? >> No. I have restless nights, but even then I’ll at least get a few hours in -- just not all at once and not very restful.

Would you rather be treated fairly or equally? >> I don’t feel like trying to parse what this question is asking me.

What’s something that always comes and goes? >> Seasons.

How many pillows do you sleep with? >> Two.

Do you want to help save the rainforest? >> I’m going to need you to be more specific about what actions you mean by this.

Do you think dimples are ugly? >> No.

If you could restart your life, would you? >> No. For the love of gods, I finally got to a place that isn’t completely shitty, the last thing I want to do is relive that shit all over again, holy fuck.

Who is better: Shia Labeouf or Ryan Gosling? >> ---

What’s your favorite food? >> ---

Did it snow today where you live? >> No.

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be someone else? >> Well, yeah. Not even a specific person, just... in an abstract thought-experiment sense.

What’s the last thing you purchased that you couldn’t eat? >> Uh... hmm. Oh, toilet paper.

Do you like zebras? >> I mean, not especially.

Are you missing anyone right now? >> No.

Have you ever taken a shower while chewing gum? >> Yeah.

Do you own a pair of striped socks? >> I think so? I don’t remember.

Do you like Converse shoes? >> No, I can’t wear shoes like that because I need arch support.

Do you like Rihanna? >> I like some of her music, sure. I also think she’s very pretty and I like looking at photos of her.

[ask-de-writer]

Dr. Mordenheim’s Travels, Book 1: De Writer’s Equestria, Ch. 2

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Dr. Mordenheim’s Travels, Book 1: De Writer’s Equestria, Ch. 2

by

@mordenheim

1785 words

© 2019 by @mordenheim

Writing begun 04/11/19

All rights reserved.  This document may not be copied or distributed on or to any medium or placed in any mass storage system except by the express written consent of the author.

Copyright fair use rules for Tumblr users Users of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights.  They may reblog the story provided that all author and copyright information remains intact.  They may use the characters or original characters in my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical compositions. All sorts of fan art, cosplay, music or fiction is actively encouraged.

///////////////////////

Dr. Victor Mordenheim has traveled to many different realities in his many centuries of existence.  This series, which I shall add to from time to time, will explore some of them, beginning with the world of @ask-de-writer.

===================================================

NEW TO THIS STORY? READ FROM PART 1 which is HERE

===================================================

An almost painfully purple colored unicorn sat his narrow rump in front of the Ponyville Day Spa.  He ran a grubby hoof through his greasy-looking slicked back green mane as he puffed out his chest with pride.  A white ribbon was around his neck, holding a silver medallion, a symbol of the Celestian Church.  Pokeweed had decided to take it upon himself to guard this fine business and make sure that no undesirables make their way inside.

It was just a few moments before he saw the bedraggled looking zebra making its way down the road towards him.  Getting a self-righteous smirk on his face he held up a hoof towards the creature and shouted out, “Lesser creatures got no business here.  Jes’ move along.”

After a moment, Pokeweed realized he may have made a mistake in more ways than one.  First of all, he had misjudged how far down the road the zebra had been when he called out.  The second was assuming that he was dealing with a normal black and white heretic like the poison-selling witches he had been told so much about.  As the striped intruder got closer, the violet stallion realized he might have bit off more than he could chew.  In seconds, he was staring slightly up towards a nasty-looking x-shaped scar on the front of the zebra’s chest.

Victor slowly lowered his head down, his single ice-blue eye seeming to bore right into the violently violet unicorn’s soul.  His voice was a deep base rumble as he asked, “I’m sorry, did you say something?”

Pokeweed, who was a fairly recent inductee into the church must have still had a few scruples left as he simply swallowed hard, mumbled, “N-no sir…” and backed out of the way before trotting down the road, quickly!

The big zebra sighed.  Things had started out so well this morning.  Ah well, he thought, no point in letting just one mishap get to him.  Lowering his head, he ducked through the doorway and trotted inside.

Behind the counter sat a pale blue mare with a pink mane, a small brass plaque in front of her showing her name as Lotus Blossom.  She quickly sat up, taking notice as Victor made his way through the door.  Her voice was heavily accented, rolling her r’s as she spoke, “Oh my, you are a beeg one, aren’t you?  Well, we gladly serve all kinds here, please, just sign the register and we can get started.”

He blinked again, once more pleasantly surprised by the hospitality he was being shown.  Taking a quill gently in his teeth, he signed his name into the thick book.  He was so confused by the situation that he nearly forgot what he had been told at breakfast time.  Keeping his voice soft and low, he murmured, “Caramel Treat sent me.”

“Oh!  Wonderful, wonderful, let’s see here…”  She glanced at the book and smiled, “Veector, now that is an interesting name.  Well, come with me, please.  I think we should get you started with a nice, long soak and do something about that mane and tail.  You look like you’ve been lost in the forest for days!”

Victor found himself being whisked from room to room, being scrubbed to a shining white with fragrant shampoos.  His mane was cleaned and brushed, leaving it long, luxuriant and shining, it’s deep red color offset by it’s gleam.  In what seemed like mere minutes, he found himself deposited face-down on a table that was surprisingly not too small for him, his face resting through a hole, looking down at the floor.  Everything was soft and comfortably padded and he felt himself drifting off until he heard voices from the next room.

“Alright, Snowflake.  Veektor ees a new customer, and I want you to be sure to get every last knot worked out of his muscles, do you theenk you can do that?”

A deep, gruff voice belted out an enthusiastic “YEEEAAAH!!!!!”

Victor jerked his head upright, looking towards the door as a literal white wall of muscle forced his shoulders and tiny wings through the doorway.

“al-RIGHT, let’s DO THIS!” the pegasus shouted.  A few bottles of oils on the walls rattled at his voice.  Victor could not doubt this “Snowflake’s” enthusiasm!

He felt a chill run down his back as a cold, floral scented oil was poured onto his back, but that quickly became a warmth that seeped into his old muscles as it was rubbed down his spine.  Just as he was starting to relax, there was a sudden downward thrusting force between his shoulders, a sharp crack, and a blinding pain that seared through his nerves before his tense muscles suddenly relaxed.  The big zebra gave a low moan, practically melting into the table beneath him as Snowflake worked his magic.

A few moments later at the reception desk Lotus Blossom and her sister Aloe were running around like chickens with their head cut off!  Huge, heavy thuds were echoing through the floor and walls as they tried their best to catch the vials of oils and shampoos that were shaking themselves off of the shelves.  They looked at one another and shrugged, they had never known any creature to be able to endure Snowflake’s massage for more than a few seconds, but this had been going on for a good fifteen minutes!  Finally, just as Aloe made a diving catch to save a particularly expensive bottle of mane conditioner, the noise finally stopped, followed by a low, rumbling groan of relief.

After he had finished, Victor stood slowly on wobbling legs.  He had no idea that he had been so tense.  He nodded to the blonde buzz-maned bodybuilder in thanks and headed back to the front to pay his bill.  Snowflake smiled and relaxed a bit.  He finally had a customer who didn’t run screaming in pain from his deep tissue massage.

Stepping back out into the sun was a changed zebra.  His body had healed a bit, filling back out a bit as his body quickly processed the wonderful food from that morning.  His mane was pulled back in a tight ponytail behind his neck, healthy and bouncing slightly as he walked.  His tail had been bound in braided leather straps both for fashion and protection, the fluffy tip protruding from the end.  His black stripes were sleek and shining and his white fur almost seemed to glow in the sunlight.  Even his dark hooves were polished almost to a mirror sheen.

He smiled brightly, still careful to keep his muzzle closed as he looked about at the little ponies going about their chores.  They shuffled from store to store, most greeting one another cheerfully as they did so.  He could see occasional confrontations, but these seemed minor and far between.  Of course, they still kept staring at him from the sidelines and moved far out of the way as he passed.

Sighing, he gazed up at the mountainside above Ponyville at Canterlot Castle.  He would have to venture up there soon to ask about official ownership of the ruins in the Everfree, but he was determined to wait until after nightfall.  Not only would his size cause less of a ruckus amongst the so-called Canterlot Elite, he would be more likely to granted an audience with Princess Luna, with whom he was still on somewhat good terms unlike her accursed sister.

He wandered the town for a while, slowly becoming more and more confused.  Most of the roads were the same, aside from being in such good condition, but others were new entirely.  Most of the buildings were in good repair, most of the ponies he recognized were here, though they didn’t seem to recognize him at all.

As made his way down the street, ponies continued to give him wide berth, either trotting to the other side of the road or slipping into alleys as he passed by.  All save one.  A small white pegasus in a wide-brimmed black hat trotted right up to him, tilted his head back and held out a hoof in a welcoming gesture.

“Greetings, friend!  I don’t believe I’ve seen you in these parts before!”  He smiled pleasantly enough and seemed sincere in his welcome.

Victor reached out a foreleg and tapped the offered hoof in return, his own dwarfing the smaller stallion’s.  “Indeed.  It’s been a long time since I last visited, far longer than I intended, it seems.”

“Well, I certainly hope you’ll be staying a while!  Allow me to introduce myself, I am Reverend Smallflower, and…”  his voice trailed off a bit as he saw the sudden change in the huge zebra’s mood.  

Victor frowned, his mood turning sour.  Thunderheads seemed to knit between his eyebrows as he scowled down at the pious pony before him, “Reverend?  After hearing from one of your congregation earlier, I’m surprised you speak to, how did he put it?  “Lesser creatures like me.”

Smallflower shook his head, frowning now as well, “Bah, you ran across a member of the Celestian Church.  In our church, all are welcome.”

He blinked, then reached a hoof up to rub at the back of his neck, a bit embarrassed.  He’d just acted every bit the ruffian that the townsfolk had been treating him like.  “I’m sorry, Reverend.  You’re correct.  They were in front of the day spa and were trying to keep others from entering.”

The reverend sighed and shook his head, “They know better than that.  THe next time you see them doing something similar, just inform Constable Crager of the Ponyville police department.  He’ll set things straight.  Just make sure you talk to him directly.  Sadly, some of the officers are members of the Celestian church as well.”

Shaking his head in return, Victor smiled in thanks, “I appreciate you letting me know.  Perhaps I may stop by to see your congregation one day.  Good day, Reverend Smallflower.”

“And a good day to you, too, brother.. uh…  I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”

“Victor, and thank you again.”

With that, the two touched hooves again and went their separate ways.  After this encounter, however, Victor noticed a change.  Fewer ponies were crossing to the far side of the street to get away from him.  He got a few nods of acknowledgment or waves.  He was even able to browse a few shopping stalls without the keeper not suddenly having business elsewhere.

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[lovemesomesurveys]

What Rhymes With “ATE”?

1. What’s the last thing you ate? Ramen.

2. Do you have a gate to your backyard? Yeah.

3. Who’s your best mate? My mom.

4. How often do you mate? Have sex? Never have.

5. What would you use as bait on a fishing hook? I wouldn’t even go fishing let’s be real, but fine if I did I’d use worms or whatever I guess alkjfklfjklf. I wouldn’t be the one to put it on, though!

6. What do you bate your breath with? Any anxious situation. 

7. What’s the last thing you got in a crate? I don’t get things in crates.

8. When’s the last time you went on a date? Where did you go? Almost 5 years ago. It was a cute coffee and bookstore date with Ty. That was our favorite thing to do.

9. Do you believe in fate? No.

10. Have you ever seen a freight train in person before? Yeah.

11. Do you like grated cheese? Yesss.

12. Do you have an awkward gait? As a paraplegic, no I do not. Everything else about me is awkward, though.

13. When’s the last time you truly felt great? When I was a kid.

14. Who do you hate? Besides myself, no one.

15. Do you know of anyone named Kate or Nate? No.

16. When’s the last time you were late for something? I don’t recall. I’m big on being punctual.

17. Do you know how to plait hair? I haven’t heard it called that, but yes.

18. Do you have a favorite plate? Paper plates, ha.

19. Would rather ice skate or roller skate? I can’t do either one.

20. How would you rate this survey so far? I’ve enjoyed all your surveys!

21. Do you ever just wish for a clean slate? Yesssss.

22. What state do you live in? (if you’re American) California.

23. What is your current state of mind? Blah.

24. Are you straight? Yes.

25. Are you straight-laced? Straight-edged? No, because apparently you can’t have caffeine or narcotics to be considered straightedge, both of which I have.

26. Have you ever visited a strait? No.

27. What’s your best personality trait? Sense of humor.

28. How long will you wait for someone/something? I don’t know? 

29. What is your weight? I’m not exactly sure, but I think mid to low 70lbs. 

30. Are you awaiting anything special? No.

31. Do you berate anyone? Nooo.

32. Is there anyone you’d like to castrate? Uh, no!

33. Are you a cheapskate? Lol I have my moments, but I also can overspend. Just depends, really.

34. When was the last time you collated papers? I don’t recall.

35. Last thing you created? Uhhh.

36. What was your last debate about? I really try and avoid those.

37. Last time you inflated something? Or deflated? I don’t recall.

38. Do you dictate what other people can do? No.

39. Have your pupils ever dilated before? When I go to the eye doctor. 

40. When’s the last time you donated something? A few months ago when I got rid of some clothes.

41. The last time you felt elated? My Disneyland trip earlier this year.

42. Have you ever been to an estate sale? No.

43. What are you fixated on? Health related stuff.

44. How often do your floodgates open? I cry often.

45. Last thing you equated? Hmm.

46. Last time you felt frustrated? The last few days. I feel that way quite often.

47. Do you remember to stay hydrated? Yeah.

48. Do you live upstate? No.

49. How often do you post status updates? I very rarely post status updates on Facebook anymore, I just share things now and then. I tweet a lot, though.

50. How often do you use Google Translate? Not often, but sometimes. I actually did a couple days ago.

51. Who is a classmate that you are still friends with?

52. Have you ever had a teammate before? No.

53. Have you ever tailgated? No.

54. Have you ever reached a stalemate? That’s how I’ve felt the past few years.

55. Have you ever been sedated? Yeah, several times.

56. Do you rotate your mattress? No.

57. Last time you got a rebate? It’s been awhile, but I used to use Ebates (called Rakuten now). I keep forgetting to use it for some reason, which is dumb.

58. Have you ever felt like you could relate to someone? Yeah, many times.

59. Favorite primate? I don’t have one.

60. Do you have something ornate? Uhh. I don’t really have anything fancy.

61. Has an action ever negated the effect of your efforts? Yes.

62. Could you be described as a lightweight? Ha, yeah. For sure.

63. Would you like to visit Kuwait? I haven’t thought about it.

64. Last person that gyrated near you? No one.

65. Do you know someone who is irate or innate? Hmm.

66. Do you know of any inmates? Yes.

67. How long does it take you to acclimate? I struggle with change.

68. Last time you activated something? Not too long ago.

69. What do you advocate for? Stuff.

70. Last time you felt agitated or aggravated? Recently.

71. Last time you had to annotate something? Recently during my Bible study.

72. Have you ever felt alienated before? Yes.

73. What was the last caffeinated beverage you consumed? Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink.

74. Do you like carbonated drinks? Yeah.

75. What captivates you? Staring out at the ocean and listening to the waves crash in and out.

76. What do you allocate a lot of your hours towards? Watching YouTube videos and checking my social medias.

77. Last event you celebrated? 4th of July. Well, we just went out and watched fireworks from the driveway.

78. Last time you were compensated for something? I don’t recall.

79. Do you tend to make things complicated? Yepppp. :/  “Why you gotta go and make things so complicated?”

80. Do you find it hard to concentrate at times? Yes.

81. Have you ever had anything confiscated? No.

82. Last place you congregated at? I haven’t been around a large crowd of people since my Disneyland trip earlier this year. I won’t be again for a very long time given the current state of things.

83. How long are you with someone before you consummate the relationship? I’m a virgin.

84. Last time you had to conjugate a verb? I did that recently when I was helping my mom with her Duolingo Spanish lesson. It amazes me how much I still remember considering I haven’t taken a Spanish class or even really practiced it in almost 10 years. :O I mean, I’ll occasionally try and speak it or if I hear or see it somewhere I’ll try to translate it, but it’s not very often, so I’m surprised I’m still able to at all.

85. Last time you were constipated? I don’t recall.

86. How often do you contemplate life? Often.

87. Are you hard to cooperate with? No, I don’t think so.

88. Do you know anyone who cultivates land? No.

89. Would you want to be cremated? Yes.

90. Do you have any issues with your prostate? I don’t have a prostate. 

91. Have you ever decimated someone’s character before? No.

92. Do you decorate your home for the holidays? Yesss. Well, for Christmas. I used to for Halloween, but I haven’t the past few years. I should do that this year.

93. Who would you dedicate a book you wrote to? My mom.

94. Are you good at delegating group projects? I felt like I always had to take lead in group projects and make sure everything was getting done. I hated doing them, they stressed me out even more.

95. Do you know how to demonstrate things in order to show someone how to do something? I do feel like I suck at trying to explain things to others for the most part, but I guess it depends on the thing. 

96. In what ways do you deviate from “the norm”? I’m soon to be 31 years old and I still live at home with my parents, with no plans to move out anytime soon. I don’t have a job. I don’t have much, basically none, relationship experience. I’m a virgin. I’m just not a functioning adult.

97. How long after you take a painkiller does the pain start to dissipate? It typically takes about 30 minutes, but on really bad pain/flare up days it can take an hour or so and sometimes not until I have the next dose.

98. Do you feel the need to dominate in conversations? Nooo. I’m much more of a listener and I’ll throw the convo back to the other person.

99. Would you ever domesticate a wild animal? Why or why not? No.

100. Who is the last person you congratulated? For what? I don’t remember.

101. Would you like to decapitate anyone? Who, and why? Uh, no!

102. Do you ever think that you could duplicate something you’ve tried before?   Uhh, like what?

103. What do you feel you could educate others about? I don’t know. Remember before how I said I suck at explaining things to others?

104. What elevates your stress level? My heath, my life (including things related to my loved ones in my life, such as their health issues and things they’re dealing with/going through), and just...life in general, man. There’s a lot going on this year alone.

105. Do you have a tendency to make situations escalate? In my mind cause I jump to the worst conclusions. My natural reaction is to freak out.

106.  How good are you at estimating? Uhh, depends what I’m estimating.

107. Do you fabricate your stories? No. 

108. What is something that fascinates you? Psychology.

109. How long does it take you to formulate a game plan? Hmm. Depends.

110. What tends to make your blood pressure fluctuate? Stress and anxiety.

111. How do you generate enough energy to get through your day? What energy? I’m seriously lacking.

112. When did you graduate? I graduated UC back in 2015.

113. When you’re in a department store, which section do you gravitate towards most often? The clothes.

114. How often do you hesitate before doing or saying something? Often.

115. Do you ever wish that you could just hibernate? Yes.

116. Does anyone try to imitate you? Does it get on your nerves? No, but that would most definitely get on my nerves.

117. Do you like to instigate others? Nooo. I’m not an instigator.

118. Could you illustrate a children’s book? I couldn’t illustrate anything, I’m an artist at all.

119. Do you marinate your meats? I don’t cook.

120. Do you masturbate? No. What a way to end, ha.

[a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

[purplesurveys]

816

Gonna do a before and after of one of the first surveys I took when I was FOURTEEN. Fucking wild that I’ve been doing this for nearly a decade. Kinda my way of celebrating the fact that I’ve just been reunited with my old blog, which Tumblr has apparently changed the URL of. Baffled by the move but still stoked, and @a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse​ is absolutely the coolest person for being able to find it haha. Let’s gooooo 1. Are you registered to vote? No. I still have 3 years to go. < That’s so precious. I’ve been a voter for four years now. I registered the second I turned 18 and I remember being very excited to make it to the presidential elections because only a handful of people from my high school batch were 18 by the time of the elections. 2. When days go by, do you cross them off on the calendar? Only when I’m counting down for something. < This still sounds like something I would do, but I don’t really get to anymore because I have digital calendars on my phone and laptop now. 3. Are you currently counting down to something? If so, what? Summer vacation! 4 days left! < Again, so cute. There’s no countdown that exists because I honestly don’t know when it will be okay enough to go out like normal again, but I am waiting for Covid to go away or at least for a vaccine to be available.

No #4? 5. Ever got injured at work? What happened? Nope. < I sprained my ankle at one of the parking lots in school, while walking to my car. Worst thing was it happened in front of an ongoing rally, and I heard their chants slightly falter when they saw me fall. I tried to play it cool, but my foot clearly felt fucked and someone had to hold my arm as I hopped to my car.

6. What color is your roof? Brown. < Stop pretending like you have a roof, Robyn. The house has always had a rooftop.

7. Do you use MySpace or Facebook more? Neither. < I was still far too young when MySpace peaked so I never did get to participate in its glory days. I definitely use Facebook a lot more, then and now. 8. Last time you sharpened a pencil? When I took a diagnostic test last Monday. < Sometime in 2019 when I was still heavily into coloring and I bought several coloring books and a pack of coloring pencils. I loved coloring and wish I kept it up, but it was just a bit of a hassle for me to sharpen every ten minutes or so. 9. List all the people in your phone under T: Zero, zilch, nada. No phone. < A high school batchmade named Dani, a college colleague named Kate, and a couple of aunts and uncles whose contacts start with Tito and Tita.  10. How old were you when you got into text messaging? I once had a super obsessive text problem when I was 11, I think? < That would be the first time I got hooked with texting, but I got my first phone when I was 7 and was already texting by then. Mostly my parents and grandpa, but still. 11. Do you pay rent to your parents? No. < No. They’ve already told me they won’t pressure me to do so either, but out of gratefulness for taking care of me for 20+ years I have absolutely no problems covering some of the bills when the time comes. 12. What do you think of Obama’s new healthcare bill? I don’t know a lot about it. < Honestly, still same. That’s another country’s politics altogether and we have enough issues in our own nation as it is. I do pay attention to US issues that are more universal like LGBT issues, police brutality against black people, Trump as a person...but not the more in-depth ones like healthcare or student debt. 13. How many icons are on your desktop? 34. < Exactly half of that. 14. Do you spit or swallow? Get outta here!!! < Still can’t relate. 15. Ever wrote something on a bathroom wall? Nope. < Eugh no, public bathrooms are so nasty. I don’t usually touch anything in them other than the faucet. I’ve written on other things though, like the desks in school. 16. What’s your definition of a slut? Uh. < Someone who often has casual sex with a lot of people, is how I understand it. 17. If you use the word “slut”, do you apply it to men who do the same thing as what you listed above? Nah. < I don’t really use the word. 18. Do you dye eggs for Easter? I did once, in a children’s party. < Yeah, just that one time at my second cousins’ place when they were in the mood to paint on eggs and invited me and my siblings. 19. What did you do on the first day of spring? Never experienced spring. < We don’t have spring. 23. Are you currently crushing on anyone? No. < Yes. 24. What color hair did the last person you kissed have? NKSB. < LOOOOOOOOOL I spent like two minutes puzzling over this like who tf is NKSB??? Eventually realized this just meant ‘Never Kissed Since Birth’ oh my god 14 year old Robyn you were SO uncool. Anyway, her hair is black. 25. Do you stand up to say the pledge in school? We don’t have a school pledge, but we do recite our country’s pledge and yes, we stand up every time we say it. < Not anymore in university. Everyone just kinda does their own thing in college and we’re never gathered as one student body for anything, except for graduation. 26. Do you like your eye color? God no. It’s so boring. < I mean yeah it is a bit boring, but we kinda have no choice. Unless you go to West Asia which is nearing Europe as it is, nearly all Asians have brown eyes and black hair. 27. What brand of orange juice did you last drink? Zesto. < That’s the only brand of orange juice I’m okay with drinking, even eight years later. 28. Pens or pencils? Pens. < Still feel the same. 29. Last skirt you wore and why? My school skirt, because I have to go to school. < Omfg again, this is so precious. The last one I wore was my denim skirt, but it’s also been a while since I wore that because one of its buttons has since popped out and I never got around to having it fixed, leaving me with no skirts. 30. Last time you wore heels, what kind were they? A prom I went to. I actually have no idea what kind of heels they are so I’m just gonna say old-women heels. < They were stilettos, you dumbass. I also wore a pair of stilettos the last time I wore heels. They’re my favorite kind, so. 31. Shoes you wear the most? My Keds. < My pair of Onitsuka Tiger sneakers. . 32. Favorite quote at the moment? “YOU DUMB BITCH! I’M NOT HOLDING A MICROPHONE! ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?” - CM Punk < Holy crap, I do not remember this quote at all and had to look it up on YouTube and – no regrets. Watching it made so many memories come rushing back lmao that clip is hilarious; Punk is the greatest. Right now I don’t really have a favorite quote. 33. What was the last magazine article you read about? I forgot. < It’s from the website version of the magazine, but the last article I read covered a viral Facebook post wherein someone had photoshopped the faces of The Big Bang Theory boys onto the traditional graduation photos of my university out of boredom. Article is here for anyone who wants to see how well the pictures turned out lol. 34. What do you think about communism? I don’t know enough about it. < I completely support the progressive youth orgs, especially the ones in my university, that are aligned with communist, socialist, and Marxist ideals. They speak the truth more than any other orgs, so I don’t shy away from defending them or promoting their ideals, especially on social media, even if it puts me in danger. 35. Are you planning on going to college? If so, which one? Of course. I want to study in Ateneo. < CAN WE CANCEL 14 YEAR OLD ROBYN?????? What a disappointment omg. You were always meant to be in UP, you weirdo. 22 year old me takes that appalling statement back lol I can’t even begin to imagine spending my college years in Ateneo. 36. What’s your favorite flower? Ugh I hate flowers. < Peonies and roses. 37. What’s the nearest beach? I think it’s like…600 km away + a 2 hour boat ride. < No it is not. There’s a beach I come back to in Nasugbu and that’s only 100 km away. 38. Ever been to Florida? Nope. < Still nope. 39. How old is your brother’s best friend? He’s probably 9 as my brother’s 9. < I don’t know if he has one and I don’t really care anymore. 40. What type of car did you ride in last? A Kia van. < Sksksksks this was referring to the school bus I used to ride omg :( I was last in our Vitara, when I had to go to the hospital to get some tests done back when I still had a pesky fever. 42. Are you excited for summer 2013? Fuck yeah. < I honestly don’t remember how it ultimately went, but apparently I was excited for it so that answers the question. 43. What class were your parents (ex. class of ‘75)? They’re the same age so batch ‘89. < There we go. 44. Are you in debt right now? For what? No. < Kinda-ish? I promised my sister I’d pay her for helping me out with iMovie (I wanted to make Gab a video for her birthday, but had never done it before), but I haven’t had the chance to do it since I only have big bills at the moment. She’s asking for ₱200 but I only have ₱1000s in my wallet, so I can’t pay her for now. 45. If you’re old enough, do you have a credit card? If you’re not old enough, do you want one when you’re older? I definitely want one. < Yep, still want one. Though I’ll need a crash course on how to use it because my parents never really taught me how cards work. 46. What color is your phone? No phone. < Apple calls it space gray but it’s really just black. 47. Have you ever had someone read a text message they weren’t supposed to see? Yes. < Yes. That person was me, and I accidentally read a text from my dad meant for only my mom when I was 5 because I had stubborn fingers that would click on anything. 48. What’s the minimum age you think someone should have a cell phone at? 10. < Holy cow, that’s a nope for me. I’d say 12 or 13. 49. Would you ever work night crew? Sure. < Yes. I’ve seen my girlfriend’s mom do it and honestly I find it pretty badass, especially because while everyone is stuck in traffic trying to get to work by 9 AM, she’s cruising down the highway on the opposite lane with no problem, to be home by 9 hahaha. 50. How old is the last person you texted? 41. < 22.

[guavspetblog]

Hi there! I’m Alex, and I’ve had isopods for about five months. I started by getting some tropical dwarf whites (Trichorhina tomentosa) for my bioactive enclosure. I fell in love with the little crustaceans, so I recently started keeping them on their own. I’m working on getting a little tiny tank for my smooth dairy cows (Porcellio laevis), and they’ll be my first time keeping isopods as a pet rather than as a secondary inhabitant in a bioactive enclosure.

As with any pet I keep, I decided to make a care sheet. And since I have a blog dedicated to pets, I thought I’d share it!

Introduction

For those who don’t really know what isopods are, they are crustaceans that have many names, including roly polies, woodlice, pill bugs, sow bugs, and more (pill bugs and sow bugs are actually two different things!). They breathe through gills, so having a humid microclimate is a must. 

As pets, they make a great primary or secondary inhabitant of a naturalistic enclosure. They are often used in bioactive enclosures (such as for reptiles and amphibians) as a clean-up crew (CUC), eating dead plant material and animal waste. They also help aerate soil. When used this way, they are known as secondary inhabitants because they are not the “main” pet. 

However, they can be incredibly rewarding pets in themselves as primary inhabitants, meaning they are the sole or main animal in an enclosure. They are fascinating to watch, easy to care for, often inexpensive, and breed quite easily so that you only need to start with a small culture in order to have many! 

As a quick aside, if you follow these instructions and have a mixture of males and females, they will breed automatically. I was going to do a whole section on breeding, but literally. If they have space, if they have food, if they have cover, they’ll reproduce.

Checklist

Cork Bark/Hides

Cuttlebone or other calcium source 

Food (Repashy Bug Burger or Morning Wood)

Leaf Litter

Substrate

Tank/Container (at least 1 gallon)

Enclosure

One of the appealing things about many invertebrates is that they do not need a lot of space to thrive! For isopods, popular enclosure types include rubbermaid/ziploc containers, Zoo Med/Exo Terra terrariums, cricket keepers/faunariums, or aquariums. Try to aim for at least one gallon—they can work in less than that, but I’ve heard from multiple sources that reproductive success peaks at one to five gallons. If you are using an aquarium, make sure it doesn’t have silicone going to the top; isopods have used it to climb and escape. A lid is also highly recommended, but make sure there are some breathing holes if your container is airtight.

I personally have mine in a 1 gallon cricket keeper at the moment, although I will be getting them a nano Exo Terra on the weekend.

One thing to remember is that they are shy creatures that don’t like light. Some species are more outgoing than others, but they will get stressed if they have nowhere to hide or if they are constantly exposed to bright light. Throwing in a top layer of leaf litter over your substrate will provide food and cover, and two or three small pieces of cork bark or eggshell carton will provide enough hiding space that they won’t be stressed.

Since they breathe using gills, it is important to create a mini humidity gradient so they can regulate. Dwarf whites (Trichorhina tomentosa) need a lot of moisture as they come from tropical climates, whereas giant canyon isopods (Porcellio Dilatatus) need less humidity to survive. No matter the species, you should always have a relatively dry area (think fresh soil—it’s not wet, but it’s not sandy, either) and a moist area (not dripping, not mud, but enough that the isopods can get the water they need to breathe). This gradient of wet-to-dry within their enclosure will allow them to regulate whether they need less or more humidity, promoting natural behaviour. It’s fairly simple to do—using distilled or natural spring water, mist or pour some water more heavily on one end of the enclosure and only a little on the other end. I definitely advise getting a mister, though not the expensive ones from pet stores. I got mine at the garden section of Walmart for about $2, and it holds 1.5 litres. Depending on the specific species humidity requirement, the ventilation of your enclosure, and the substrate you use, mist them between once a day to once a week. As long as you have that gradient, you should be fine. And remember, while you don’t want to drown your isopods by flooding their enclosure, it is better for them to be a little too moist than too dry. Even a little bit of time in a place where the humidity is below 50% can permanently damage the gills. Research your species’ humidity needs and follow them carefully. Many do best at >60% humidity at a minimum.

Also, if high humidity is needed but your container has a lot of ventilation, you can cover openings with acrylic, glass, sponges, tape (make sure the sticky side won’t affect your lil guys!), or plastic wrap.

For substrate, I use my own homemade mix of organic composted soil, Eco Earth (coco fibre), Reptibark chips, pieces of leaf litter, and sphagnum moss. I find this works really well for my bioactive enclosures, including the isopods. It allows for natural behaviour such as burrowing, holds humidity, and provides a source of food via the Reptibark and leaf litter. You can use dried and sterilized oak, magnolia, and almond leaves. Basically anything reptile safe.

For cleaning, replace leaf litter and wood as needed, remove uneaten food after a day or two to prevent mold, and these guys can also be housed with springtails to create a bioactive (self-sustaining) enclosure. Completely replace the substrate every four to six months. To do this, you can lure some out with a piece of vegetable, then move the vegetable when it’s covered in isopods. Remove the hides and decor, also usually containing more isopods. Lastly, use a fine strainer to sift through the dirt. This will pick up a lot of stragglers (though not all). It’s common to lose some isopods during a clean, but as long as your population is otherwise healthy, it shouldn’t affect them too much.

Food

Isopods are detritivores and will eat just about anything. Include wood and sterilized, dried leaf litter in their enclosure that they can munch on. Feed them a protein source once a week, especially with Porcellio sp. They are protein aggressive and will cannibalize without a proper source of protein. Repashy’s Bug Burger or Morning Wood both work great. Feeding vegetables, such as squash, potatoes, zucchini, or carrots once a week will add variety to their diet. Dark leafy greens also give extra nutrients. I’ve heard people sometimes feed them fish food (okay, but not the best. Use a high quality pellet if you do) or dog food (no. Please don’t.).

Another important thing is that isopods need calcium for a healthy exoskeleton. Buy a cuttlebone in the bird or turtle section at the pet store, or use a calcium powder found in the reptile section with NO added vitamin D3.

Compatibility

As long as they have a proper food source, isopods are generally pretty peaceful creatures that can be housed with a variety of other animals. As I said at the beginning, they are often secondary inhabitants to reptiles or amphibians in bioactive tanks. With vertebrates and invertebrates alike, make sure you research the requirements of each species involved to make sure they’re compatible. Not all species are compatible due to humidity and space requirements, as well as aggression of both the isopods and the other species.

Also, since I recommend bioactive enclosures to keep isopods, I also definitely think most owners should keep their isopods with springtails! The springtails are another common CUC, as they will eat mold, compete with pests (like soil mites), and they are also usually very cheap.

For vertebrates, most reptiles and amphibians can be kept with smaller isopod species as a CUC. Be warned that some insectivorous animals may eat them though, which is why many people use dwarf whites (Trichorhina tomentosa), which spend most of their time burrowed in the substrate, as a CUC.

Invertebrates include:

Slugs and snails

Tarantulas 

Scorpions

Earthworms

Millipedes

Basically anything you can put in a bioactive is good with isopods. Some species are more protein aggressive, however, which can be a problem for smaller or moulting specimens.

Mixing species/morphs of isopods together can be done, but some may outcompete each other. And if two of the same species but different morphs are mixed, they may lose their distinctiveness.

Species

Armadillidium depressum: Yellow, 2 cm

Armadillidium granulatum: Granulated, 2.5 cm

Armadillidium klugii: Dubrovnik, Montenegro, 2.1 cm

Armadlillidium maculatum: Zebra, 1.5 cm

Aramdillidium nasatum: Peach, Grey, 1.4 cm

Armadillidium vulgare: Tangerine, 1.8 cm

Armadillo officinalis: 1.9 cm

Cubaris murina: Little Sea, 1.2 cm

Nagarus cristatus: Dwarf Striped, 1 cm

Oniscus asellus: Mardi Gras, Maple, 1.8 cm

Porcellio bolivari: 3 cm

Porcellio dilatatus: Giant Canyon, 1.9 cm

Porcellio expansus: Orange skirt, 3.5 cm

Porcellio flavomarginatus: 3 cm

Porcellio haasi: 3.2 cm

Porcellio hoffmannseggi: 4 cm

Porecellio laevis: White, Dairy Cow, Milkback, Orange, 1.6 cm

Porecellio ornatus: High Yellow, 2.5 cm

Porcellio scaber: Orange, Dalmatian, Calico, Grey, Black, Tortoiseshell, Koi, Laval, Orange Dalmatian, 1.5 cm

Porcellio silvestri: 2.5cm

Porcellio spatulatus: 2 cm

Porcellio spinicornis: 1.5 cm

Porcellio werneri: 2.5 cm

Porcellionides pruinosus: Powder Blue, Powder Orange, White Out, 1.2 cm

Trichorhina tomentosa: Dwarf White, 0.5 cm

Many others, including Rubber Ducky and Dwarf Purples (these don’t have a species, only a genus), along with thousands of morphs!

Resources

Tumblr has a lot of good information on pet keeping—if you know who’s reputable. @tser​, @morbidsmenagerie​ and @fimbry​ are all isopod keepers (to my knowledge). I don’t want to plug myself, but I will say I’m pretty good with research, have some experience, and like helping people—so don’t be afraid to shoot me an ask if you have a question or something to add! I’m always down to learn how to care for pets.

Good Online Resources

Glass Box Tropicals (Care Sheet)

Aquarimax Pets (YouTube Channel)

Aquarimax Pets (Care Sheet/Website)

Reptiliatus (YouTube Channel; link goes to isopod playlist)

NEHerp (Care Sheet)

[classpect-musings]

Classpect Analysis: Page of Light

Active or Passive: Passive

What they do: Pages passively utilize their aspect/utilize through their aspect, and often use it to protect. Light is the aspect of information/knowledge, analysis, perception/awareness, fortune/luck, illumination (both literally and metaphorically), meaning/truth/clarity, and attention/the “spotlight.”

Active equivalent: Knight of Light

Inverse: Thief of Void

The Page of Light starts out with pretty much none of their aspect as well as a pretty poor grasp of understanding and utilizing it. Light represents, among other things, information and knowledge. Keep in mind that this does not necessarily mean they are unintelligent! What this means is that this Page may not have a lot of truth in their life. They might be innocent rather than being considered ‘dumb;’ instead, they’re kind of the clueless friend, though they like to think otherwise. It’s likely that this Page has a short attention span about half the time or give more attention to some information than others. And if they do get their hands on some interesting information, it’s likely that they’ll go all sorts of ways in analyzing it...completely wrong, that is. This Page has the tendency to fixate on specific facts and over-process them to the point where such facts no longer have any discernible meaning. You could give this Page a poem about dogs and two hours later they could come back to you with an overly detailed (and probably wrong) explanation as to how this poem reveals the author’s deep-seated fear of death. In an effort to appear smart, they might use every possible method of analysis at their disposal and end up making it clear to everyone else that they are overcompensating a lot-- all while missing the actual point the information they’ve studied is trying to make. And their attempts to synthesize various sources together may lead to facts getting jumbled and their information being very confusing. Additionally, it’s likely that they’ll substitute ‘normal’ words for extremely complicated/obscure words in an effort to look like a genius, which results in the opposite. All this variety in their attempted analysis leads them to not having a clear sense of truth and meaning in their life. Sure, this Page might think they’ve got it all figured out, but the reality is that they’re in a sort of fog of confusion. This Page might get led around a lot as a result when it comes to meanings and interpretations, unconsciously leaning on someone else’s perception so they don’t look like a fool while still thinking they’re very intelligent. As a result of heavily leaning on someone else’s perspective, they’re likely to be more narrow-minded as well. Maybe they know weird trivia facts (ex. “Did you know that zebras are black with white stripes, and not vice versa?” but the moment you ask them what continent zebras are from, they completely blank).

Additionally, the Page of Light wants attention. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it’s just that they’d like to have the spotlight on them, even if their attempts to handle the attention are usually botched entirely. Maybe the one time they finally get people to pay attention to them is when they do something really ridiculous, and everyone mocks them for it.

In terms of metaphorical and literal representations of lack of Light, they might have poor eyesight. They might also live in a dark place and not really get a lot of sun. Adding on to the fact that Pages tend to try and overcompensate, this one is likely the type to spend hours in the sun to try and get a tan, only to get badly burned in the process. This Page could also be exceptionally unlucky and try to fix it by carrying around as many lucky charms as possible.

The Page of Light, like all other Pages, is going to have a very slow growth process. However, if they can unlock their potential, they will become extremely powerful. In the case of the Page of Light, they’re going to go on a quest to discover truth and meaning. This could go badly if they have someone constantly influencing their perception and how they analyze things, as well as what they do with the information they discover. Some independence would help this Page; when they’re alone, not influenced by what other people find important, it will be easier for them to see it themselves. They learn how to analyze information properly and utilize it for the best strategies. Additionally, they’ll be able to get more attention and start using it to their advantage. At first, their teammates might not trust the information this Page gives them, seeing as their insights are usually flawed. But if they can learn to take a chance, they might find that it’ll pay off-- which will also give the Page more attention and boost their confidence.

A god tiered Page of Light who has fully developed will be an excellent teammate to have! They have a much better grasp on their idea of truth as well as how to analyze and apply information. They can also understand other people’s perspectives and therefore be a decent advice-giver when it comes to pointing others to success. If the session hasn’t been completed at this point, they’re the right person to direct it. This Page also thrives in the limelight-- and combining their excellent advice, this is a good player to have. Not only can they strategize, but their teammates actually listen to them!

After they ascend (and if they’ve gone through the proper development), the Page of Light will be extremely powerful. They can utilize/exploit Light and utilize/exploit through Light. First would be luck. That doesn’t sound like too much at first, but think about it. When an enemy comes at them with a knife, this Page just happens to dodge at the perfect moment, and the enemy stabs one of their own comrades instead. The Page also just happens to aim every single shot perfectly, all the time. There are more ways, but needless to say this would make this Page very hard to defeat-- and we haven’t even gotten to their other powers yet! Utilizing Light in its most literal sense would also involve, well, light. A more passive version would be a light distraction like a brief flash. They can also shoot beams of blinding light into their enemies’ eyes, temporarily (or permanently) blinding them. (This could also have the amusing effect of a ‘spiritual illumination,’ i.e. an existential crisis.) This could also cause minor or major burns. Maybe they can microwave stuff with it, too. This power includes utilizing the light already around them-- if it’s daytime, fighting this Page is a bad idea. The Page themself could have a move where they give off an aura of blinding light-- this incorporates both the literal Light power as well as their proficiency for being in the spotlight. Speaking of which, this Page could activate a more subtle power: a particularly distracting presence. Enemies can’t tear their eyes off this Page, who gives off a vibe of being incredibly well-spoken (not charismatic, necessarily, but their words flow very smoothly despite their vocabulary being complex) until it is too late.

Oh! And relating back to that aura of Light I mentioned, they could use this in another subtle way: spreading information. When you speak with this Page, their words are easy to understand, and you feel more intelligent just being in their presence. And though they might not communicate everything in words, you can feel the information and analysis almost transferring to your brain. So basically, this:

A powerful Page could use this on friends and foes alike. A more direct method would be for this Page to touch a teammate (perhaps by having the teammate close their eyes, and the Page gently lays a finger on their eyelids, since the eyes represent Light?) and communicate the information without any words. However, foes would be infected with unfathomable horrors beyond words in some kind of horrifying Lovecraft-esque way. Which brings me to my next point: Would the Page of Light be able to communicate with and understand the horrorterrors without some sort of mind break? I think so. Feferi was able to communicate with them (and even persuade them to make the dream bubbles), likely as a result of her time with G'lbgolyb, Emissary to the Horrorterrors. So I think that this Page would have the information needed to speak with them, once fully developed, of course. If this Page tries to talk to them prior to that… I don’t think it’ll end well.

As for a land for the Page of Light, I recommend the Land of Mirrors and Libraries. LOMAL is a land shrouded in darkness; the ancient oak trees, once rumored to whisper secrets of old, have shriveled in the endless night. As a result of the constant darkness, the consorts can barely read their books and only have fractions of the knowledge they once possessed. They can give hints to the Page of Light, who can rearrange the mirrors around the planet to reflect the moonlight into the libraries instead. Once they do so and can understand the information in the books, they will know how to bring back the sun, which will rejuvenate the whispering trees.

As for a strife specibus, Pages have used weapons that are obviously, well, weapons (lance, pistols) while Light players tend to have ordinary objects that double as weapons (2xneedlekind, dicekind). That’s kind of a catch-22, so I’ll list options for both. The Page of Light might use a magnifying glass that is actually defunct (though they don’t know it) or maybe a tarot deck that works for both being slammed over enemies’ heads and the Page’s overanalytic tendencies. On the other hand, an actual weapon for this Page could be a ray gun. Maybe they *think* it works because they read that microwave beams are harmful, but the weapon actually does jack squat at first, only becoming more potent with alchemizing it with other weapons.

Requested by @probablynotcollin​ ! Thanks for requesting; I hope you found this helpful.

[mordenheim]

Dr. Mordenheim’s Travels, Book 1:  De Writer’s Equestria, Ch. 2

Dr. Victor Mordenheim has traveled to many different realities in his many centuries of existence.  This series, which I shall add to from time to time, will explore some of them, beginning with the world of @ask-de-writer.

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An almost painfully purple colored unicorn sat his narrow rump in front of the Ponyville Day Spa.  He ran a grubby hoof through his greasy-looking slicked back green mane as he puffed out his chest with pride.  A white ribbon was around his neck, holding a silver medallion, a symbol of the Celestian Church.  Pokeweed had decided to take it upon himself to guard this fine business and make sure that no undesirables make their way inside.

It was just a few moments before he saw the bedraggled looking zebra making its way down the road towards him.  Getting a self-righteous smirk on his face he held up a hoof towards the creature and shouted out, “Lesser creatures got no business here.  Jes’ move along.”

After a moment, Pokeweed realized he may have made a mistake in more ways than one.  First of all, he had misjudged how far down the road the zebra had been when he called out.  The second was assuming that he was dealing with a normal black and white heretic like the poison-selling witches he had been told so much about.  As the striped intruder got closer, the violet stallion realized he might have bit off more than he could chew.  In seconds, he was staring slightly up towards a nasty-looking x-shaped scar on the front of the zebra’s chest.

Victor slowly lowered his head down, his single ice-blue eye seeming to bore right into the violently violet unicorn’s soul.  His voice was a deep base rumble as he asked, “I’m sorry, did you say something?”

Pokeweed, who was a fairly recent inductee into the church must have still had a few scruples left as he simply swallowed hard, mumbled, “N-no sir...” and backed out of the way before trotting down the road, quickly!

The big zebra sighed.  Things had started out so well this morning.  Ah well, he thought, no point in letting just one mishap get to him.  Lowering his head, he ducked through the doorway and trotted inside.

Behind the counter sat a pale blue mare with a pink mane, a small brass plaque in front of her showing her name as Lotus Blossom.  She quickly sat up, taking notice as Victor made his way through the door.  Her voice was heavily accented, rolling her r’s as she spoke, “Oh my, you are a beeg one, aren’t you?  Well, we gladly serve all kinds here, please, just sign the register and we can get started.”

He blinked again, once more pleasantly surprised by the hospitality he was being shown.  Taking a quill gently in his teeth, he signed his name into the thick book.  He was so confused by the situation that he nearly forgot what he had been told at breakfast time.  Keeping his voice soft and low, he murmured, “Caramel Treat sent me.”

“Oh!  Wonderful, wonderful, let’s see here...”  She glanced at the book and smiled, “Veector, now that is an interesting name.  Well, come with me, please.  I think we should get you started with a nice, long soak and do something about that mane and tail.  You look like you’ve been lost in the forest for days!”

Victor found himself being whisked from room to room, being scrubbed to a shining white with fragrant shampoos.  His mane was cleaned and brushed, leaving it long, luxuriant and shining, it’s deep red color offset by it’s gleam.  In what seemed like mere minutes, he found himself deposited face-down on a table that was surprisingly not too small for him, his face resting through a hole, looking down at the floor.  Everything was soft and comfortably padded and he felt himself drifting off until he heard voices from the next room.

“Alright, Snowflake.  Veektor ees a new customer, and I want you to be sure to get every last knot worked out of his muscles, do you theenk you can do that?”

A deep, gruff voice belted out an enthusiastic “YEEEAAAH!!!!!”

Victor jerked his head upright, looking towards the door as a literal white wall of muscle forced his shoulders and tiny wings through the doorway.

“al-RIGHT, let’s DO THIS!” the pegasus shouted.  A few bottles of oils on the walls rattled at his voice.  Victor could not doubt this “Snowflake’s” enthusiasm!

He felt a chill run down his back as a cold, floral scented oil was poured onto his back, but that quickly became a warmth that seeped into his old muscles as it was rubbed down his spine.  Just as he was starting to relax, there was a sudden downward thrusting force between his shoulders, a sharp crack, and a blinding pain that seared through his nerves before his tense muscles suddenly relaxed.  The big zebra gave a low moan, practically melting into the table beneath him as Snowflake worked his magic.

A few moments later at the reception desk Lotus Blossom and her sister Aloe were running around like chickens with their head cut off!  Huge, heavy thuds were echoing through the floor and walls as they tried their best to catch the vials of oils and shampoos that were shaking themselves off of the shelves.  They looked at one another and shrugged, they had never known any creature to be able to endure Snowflake’s massage for more than a few seconds, but this had been going on for a good fifteen minutes!  Finally, just as Aloe made a diving catch to save a particularly expensive bottle of mane conditioner, the noise finally stopped, followed by a low, rumbling groan of relief.

After he had finished, Victor stood slowly on wobbling legs.  He had no idea that he had been so tense.  He nodded to the blonde buzz-maned bodybuilder in thanks and headed back to the front to pay his bill.  Snowflake smiled and relaxed a bit.  He finally had a customer who didn’t run screaming in pain from his deep tissue massage.

Stepping back out into the sun was a changed zebra.  His body had healed a bit, filling back out a bit as his body quickly processed the wonderful food from that morning.  His mane was pulled back in a tight ponytail behind his neck, healthy and bouncing slightly as he walked.  His tail had been bound in braided leather straps both for fashion and protection, the fluffy tip protruding from the end.  His black stripes were sleek and shining and his white fur almost seemed to glow in the sunlight.  Even his dark hooves were polished almost to a mirror sheen.

He smiled brightly, still careful to keep his muzzle closed as he looked about at the little ponies going about their chores.  They shuffled from store to store, most greeting one another cheerfully as they did so.  He could see occasional confrontations, but these seemed minor and far between.  Of course, they still kept staring at him from the sidelines and moved far out of the way as he passed.

Sighing, he gazed up at the mountainside above Ponyville at Canterlot Castle.  He would have to venture up there soon to ask about official ownership of the ruins in the Everfree, but he was determined to wait until after nightfall.  Not only would his size cause less of a ruckus amongst the so-called Canterlot Elite, he would be more likely to granted an audience with Princess Luna, with whom he was still on somewhat good terms unlike her accursed sister.

He wandered the town for a while, slowly becoming more and more confused.  Most of the roads were the same, aside from being in such good condition, but others were new entirely.  Most of the buildings were in good repair, most of the ponies he recognized were here, though they didn’t seem to recognize him at all.

As made his way down the street, ponies continued to give him wide berth, either trotting to the other side of the road or slipping into alleys as he passed by.  All save one.  A small white pegasus in a wide-brimmed black hat trotted right up to him, tilted his head back and held out a hoof in a welcoming gesture.

“Greetings, friend!  I don’t believe I’ve seen you in these parts before!”  He smiled pleasantly enough and seemed sincere in his welcome.

Victor reached out a foreleg and tapped the offered hoof in return, his own dwarfing the smaller stallion’s.  “Indeed.  It’s been a long time since I last visited, far longer than I intended, it seems.”

“Well, I certainly hope you’ll be staying a while!  Allow me to introduce myself, I am Reverend Smallflower, and...”  his voice trailed off a bit as he saw the sudden change in the huge zebra’s mood.  

Victor frowned, his mood turning sour.  Thunderheads seemed to knit between his eyebrows as he scowled down at the pious pony before him, “Reverend?  After hearing from one of your congregation earlier, I’m surprised you speak to, how did he put it?  “Lesser creatures like me.”

Smallflower shook his head, frowning now as well, “Bah, you ran across a member of the Celestian Church.  In our church, all are welcome.”

He blinked, then reached a hoof up to rub at the back of his neck, a bit embarrassed.  He’d just acted every bit the ruffian that the townsfolk had been treating him like.  “I’m sorry, Reverend.  You’re correct.  They were in front of the day spa and were trying to keep others from entering.”

The reverend sighed and shook his head, “They know better than that.  THe next time you see them doing something similar, just inform Constable Crager of the Ponyville police department.  He’ll set things straight.  Just make sure you talk to him directly.  Sadly, some of the officers are members of the Celestian church as well.”

Shaking his head in return, Victor smiled in thanks, “I appreciate you letting me know.  Perhaps I may stop by to see your congregation one day.  Good day, Reverend Smallflower.”

“And a good day to you, too, brother.. uh...  I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”

“Victor, and thank you again.”

With that, the two touched hooves again and went their separate ways.  After this encounter, however, Victor noticed a change.  Fewer ponies were crossing to the far side of the street to get away from him.  He got a few nods of acknowledgment or waves.  He was even able to browse a few shopping stalls without the keeper not suddenly having business elsewhere.

[hobbitsetal]

How Boots befooled the king

ladies and gentlemen, hoboes and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitoes and bow-legged ants, i come before you to stand before you to tell you a tale...

by the great Howard Pyle, because i love him and Boots and because y’all enjoyed “Peterkin and the grey hare” and because fairytales are meant to endure.

but under the cut, because any chance we had of our dear departed Pyle being concise? perished when i got my grubby verbose paws on him...

Once there was a king who was very clever. He was proud as well as clever, and whether he had cause to be that, I am not the one to tell you. Now, this proud, clever king had a beautiful daughter and no sons, which meant that anyone who married the princess would be the next ruler. Naturally, his majesty wanted to be very sure that only the best of the best should marry his precious daughter. 

And what was better than cleverness? So he sent out a proclamation through all the kingdom that whatever man were clever enough to fool the king should marry the princess.

There are many in this world who are not clever men, but they are clever enough to know a good opportunity when they see it. Day after day, dozens trooped to the castle to try their hand at fooling the king. And day after day, the king sent them packing with scorn on his brow. 

After some weeks, the king and the princess grew very tired of all the suitors showing up and eating them out of house and home and cornering the princess in the garden and flirting badly at her. So the king sent out a new proclamation, an amendment to the first, that declared that anyone who tried to fool the king and failed was to be beaten all over with big sticks by strong guardsmen. 

Now, in a little village not terribly far from the castle lived a man with three sons. The oldest two were fine, hard-working lads, but the youngest sat by the chimney all day and kept his feet warm. And since the ashes from the fireplace made his face as black as a pair of boots, over time he had come to be called “Boots” and no one remembered his actual name. 

When they heard the king’s proclamation, the oldest son said to their father, “I think I shall go have a try for that princess. I’d make a very fine king.”

His father said nothing, but he nodded agreeably, for he thought his oldest son was as clever a man as any in the land. So the oldest son grabbed a nice new hat, straightened his clothes in the mirror, and strolled off along the road.

By and by, he came to the palace. The king stood outside, supervising the gardeners to make sure they didn’t prune his favorite pine tree too much. He looked at the oldest boy strolling up. He looked away again.

“Good morning to you, your majesty!” said the oldest boy cheerfully.

The king grunted.

“Very fine weather we’re having,” went on the lad. “It is such a fine morning that--look over there! I see a white jackdaw with three black stripes on its back!”

The king did not turn his head at all, but only said, “And I see a young jackanapes who’s about to have a great many more stripes than three on his back.”

So the oldest lad was beaten and thrown out of the castle, and he went home to his father blubbering.

After a little time, the second son said to their father, “I think I shall go have a try fooling the king. I’d like a princess for my wife.”

The father said nothing, but nodded approvingly, for if the oldest boy was clever, the second had learned from his brother’s mistakes. So the second lad put on a fine new jerkin, combed his hair so that it lay flat, and set off to see the king.

By and by, he reached the castle and found the king looking over some new goods in the courtyard.

“Good morning to you, your majesty,” said the second lad very properly. 

The king harrumphed. 

"What an intriguing caravan your majesty inspects! Such a variety of goods--why, I even think I saw a zebra! How exotic! Look just over there."

The king did not turn his head, but said, "I see a young fool who'll have more stripes than a zebra."

So they beat him soundly and sent him home to his father, and his feet were as sore as his back ere he got home.

After a little time and a great deal of thinking, Boots announced, "I do believe I shall see about meeting the princess. It might be fun to fool her father."

Ah, what a to-do and commotion that caused! His father and brothers roared with laughter. "You!" said they. "You, master layabout with your dirty face! Do you think you shall succeed where your brothers have failed? When fish shall fly and crows talk like men!"

Boots was not a man to be deterred by talk like that. No, he asked only, “May I have the old cap behind the chimney?”

“Take it and welcome,” said his father, “for it may as well go to you as to the rag-man.”

Fit it was for the rag-man, for the cap was as old as the house. Its red was dulled by soot and it had a hole in the side, and altogether it was not the sort of hat one wears to meet a king. Boots stuck a feather in the hole and his cap upon his head, took his savings from behind a loose brick, and set off to meet his fortunes.

He had fine weather for walking, for the birds sang in the trees and the sky was as blue as a princess’s eye, and Boots whistled to himself as he strode. By and by, he came across an old woman with a cart full of pottery. One of the wheels had gotten stuck in a pothole, and she was tugging vainly at the cart and cursing the sky, the birds, and everything else she might see, for there’s nothing like a pothole for making one lose one’s temper.

Without a word, Boots set his shoulder to the cart and popped it out of the pothole.

“Ah, thank you, kind lad!” said the old woman.

“It’s no bother at all, good mother,” said Boots. “Where are you off to this fine morning?”

“To the market,” said she, “to sell my pots. And your own self?”

“To the castle,” said he, “to try my luck with the princess.”

So they walked together, chatting of this and that, and by and by Boots made her a business proposition that you shall soon hear of.

When he arrived at the castle, he did not knock upon the door, but sat down on the stoop and immediately began yelling, “I won’t do it! I won’t do it, I tell you! You can’t make me, I refuse, I won’t do it at all!”

He yelled and shouted until the castle servants came hustling out to see what the commotion was. “Shush!” they cried. “Do you want to vex his majesty? What is all this shouting?”

“I won’t be forced into anything!” Boots bellowed back. “I won’t do it, I tell you, I won’t!” On he went in the same vein as before, and all their shushing was to no avail.

And because they could not shut up him up, eventually the king himself came storming out to see what was the great noise disturbing him from his accounts.

“What is this?” he snapped.

“I won’t do it!” Boots yelled.

“Yes, we’ve gathered that,” said the king crossly. “And what won’t you do?”

Boots stopped yelling and said meekly, “Why, I won’t sell my cap, your majesty. Everyone in the world is trying to buy my cap, but I won’t sell it. I won’t! I won’t tell you, I won’t do--”

“Yes, yes, enough!” interrupted the king. “We’ve gathered that! And why would anyone want to buy such a rubbish cap?”

Boots looked astonished. “You mean you don’t know?”

The king crossed his arms and frowned mightily.

“It’s a magic cap,” explained Boots. “All I need to do is blow inside it and I can command whomever I will.”

“What nonsense!” said the king.

“I’ll prove it to you! Look, do you see the old woman yonder selling her pots? I can make her smash all of them.”

The king looked at the old woman and frowned deeper still. “Now I know you are lying,” said he. “That is an old woman and those pots must be all she has in the world. She’d no more break them than I would give up my daughter to a fool.”

“Oh no?” asked Boots. He blew into his cap, jammed it back on his head, and cried out loudly, “Break pots! Break pots!”

Immediately, the old lady sprang to her feet and began smashing all her pots with a stick, as if she were madder than Rasputin. But it was no loss to her, for Boots had given her his savings to do so, and that was the proposition he had made on the road.

Ah, but the king knew nothing of that deal, so he rubbed his eyes and stared, and stared again in fear and confusion. Such a cap as that, he thought, would give this lad power over his own throne! 

In a honeyed voice, the king said, “Come now, lad, this cap seems more bother than you wish to deal with. Sell it to me and then think no more about it.”

“I couldn’t,” said Boots. “It’s a very powerful cap.”

“So it is, so it is! And who better to have that cap than your own king? I’ll give you a barrow full of gold for it.”

Boots took the cap off and looked at it, and the king reached his fingers for it. “Ah,” said Boots, “but it has such a nice feather in it. No, no, I couldn’t part with it.” And he put it back on his head.

“Bother the feather!” said the king. “I’ll give you two barrows of gold for it.”

Boots hemmed and hawed and ran his fingers round the brim. “It’s such a special cap, you see,” he explained.

The king huffed and began tapping his foot on the ground. “Three barrows, then.”

At that, Boots made a great show of scrunching his face, of looking up at the sky and round at the servants (who were all goggling at his magic cap), of scuffing his toes in the dirt. At last, he said, “I suppose, since it’s my king asking, three barrows is enough.”

“Done!” cried the king, and he sent the servants for the gold.

So Boots gave him the cap and trundled off home with his barrows full of gold (and you may be sure the old woman got a little extra for the part she played!), and the king sat down in the courtyard and began blowing in the cap and shouting orders. But though he blew in the cap till he was blue in the face, he got no more than the most ordinary obedience, and sad he was when he realized he’d been fooled.

The next day, Boots showed up at the castle, riding on the back of a fine grey mare he’d bought with the king’s gold. Quoth he politely to the guards, “Is his majesty at home? I’ve come to meet my wife his daughter.”

The guards pointed him to the courtyard and stared after him with big eyes. His majesty the king waited at a little table, drinking wine and glaring at nothing. When Boots came in, he glared at Boots instead.

“The fairest of mornings to you, your majesty!” said Boots. “I have come to meet my bride, your daughter.”

At that, the king scowled all over, for it is not easy for a proud man to admit he’s been outwitted. “Marry my daughter for a dirty trick like that? Do you call that shilly-shallying cleverness?”

“Oh,” said Boots, “if your majesty doesn’t think I deserve her, why don’t you use the cap to order me away?”

The king scowled blacker than before, but he knew and Boots knew that the king had been fooled most thoroughly. “That could very well have been a fluke,” said he. “What kind of father would I be if I were to give my daughter to a fluke?”

“An honest one,” Boots said, “for you’ve promised your daughter to me and I’ve earned her fair and square.”

“Perhaps,” said the king. “But I would like to be sure of you. My prime minister is as wise as I am clever. Bring him to my palace against his will and I’ll know that you’re as clever as you seem.”

That was a rotten enough trick, and it was not the terms of the bargain, but Boots was a resilient lad. He bowed low and went home again and spent the night pondering how he might trick the prime minister.

The next day, he borrowed a burlap sack from his father and bought a black wig from a haberdasher in town, for his red hair was not common and he suspected the king would say a word to the prime minister. With his hair covered up, he trotted over to the prime minister’s house, lay down in front of the door, and crawled into the sack. And there he lay.

By and by, the cook’s boy came out to buy some goods at the market, and immediately tripped over Boots. “I say, what do you think you’re doing there?” he demanded.

“Shh,” said Boots.

The boy stared, scratched his head, and shrugged. None of his business if some man didn’t wish to be bothered. So he ran his errands and as Boots was still there when he came home, he stepped carefully over sack and Boots and went inside. He told the cook about the curious man who lay in a sack and shushed him, and the cook went out to see for himself.

“What do you imagine you’re doing there?” the cook asked.

“Shh,” said Boots.

“You can’t just lie in front of the door,” the cook said. “People will step on you.”

“Shh!” said Boots. “I am learning.”

At that, the cook stared mightily. “Learning what?” he whispered.

“All the secrets of the world! Hush, hush, I’ve missed what the magic sack is saying!”

The cook scurried back inside and climbed up to the prime minister’s office and told him about the madman who claimed a magic sack was telling him the secrets of the world. Now, the prime minister was a man who fancied himself a great scholar. And though the king had warned him about the tricksy rogue Boots, the prime minister simply couldn’t imagine a peasant lad who was clever enough to fool himself and the king.

“Secrets of the world?” said he. “That is certainly some humbug! I shall pack him off directly!” And he marched down the stairs.

Boots still lay in the sack, with half the servants gathered around him and staring at his legs. The prime minister elbowed through them and said loudly, “Get up, my good man, you’re blocking the door!”

“Shh!” said Boots. “I am learning.”

“From that sack?” scoffed the prime minister.

“It’s a sack of wisdom,” said Boots. “Now shh!”

“Learning what?” asked the prime minister. “Some method for making cheese, no dou--”

“All the secrets of the Library of Alexandria!” said Boots.

Oh, how the prime minister’s jaw dropped! “The Library of Alexandria!” he gasped. “Say, my good man, let me try that sack, won’t you?”

“The secret to Greek fire!” said Boots. “No, no, this is far too interesting!”

“I’ll give you a bag of gold,” said the prime minister persuasively. “Come, come, let me have five minutes in the bag!”

“Oh, very well,” said Boots, and he crawled out of the sack. “You will certainly learn wisdom from that sack.”

The prime minister got down on his hands and knees and crawled into the sack, and just as soon as he was well inside, what did Boots do but snatch him up, sack and all, and take off running! The servants were all too astonished to do anything but throw their hands up and exclaim, “Oh my! Oh my!”

Off Boots trotted to the palace, the prime minister jouncing on his back and bellowing threats and groans. The palace guards did not stop Boots at all, but smirked and chuckled to each other as he went by. I am afraid the prime minister had a dreadful habit of considering servants to be stupid and fit for no more than their station, and nobody cares to be treated that way. So it was that nobody stopped Boots from tossing the prime minister into a henhouse and locking the door, and surely it was no more than the man deserved.

The king was in the garden, eating bread and honey and reading reports from his gamekeepers. When he saw Boots approaching, he scowled mightily and let the honey drip over the reports. 

“Well?” said the king.

Boots bowed low and said, “If it pleases your majesty to look in your henhouse, you’ll find I’ve brought the prime minister against his will and I am ready to meet my wife the princess.”

Well! There was a to-do indeed, I can tell you! The prime minister was very cross to have been fooled, and moreover to have been left at the mercy of chickens. The king was likewise vexed that Boots had passed his second test, but there was little enough he could do.

But “little” was all the king needed, for he was indeed a clever man.

“Come tomorrow,” said he, “and if you can pick the princess from among a bevy of maidens, you shall have her for yourself.”

Now that was daunting enough, for Boots had never laid eyes on the princess. So he went away and thought through the night, and in the morning he made a little box and caught a harvest mouse to put into it. And when he had done that, off he went to the palace, mounted on his grey mare.

A bevy of maidens, the king had said, and a bevy stood in the courtyard, eighty-one maidens and each more beautiful than the last. Boots took his hat off when he saw them and scratched at his red hair, for there was no telling which might be the princess. Ah, but he had prepared for this. He knelt down upon the ground, took out his little box, and set the harvest mouse free. The first maid saw it and screamed out, and then they all screamed and jumped and looked as though they would faint for fear of the tiny creature.

But only one of the maidens did faint. And the moment she swooned away, all the rest forgot their fright and set to reviving her and fanning her and crying anxiously.

“That is the princess,” said Boots, and right he was. 

So Boots married the princess, and in time the king grew to like his son-in-law, and forever after the kingdom prospered.

~~~

one of the beauties of retelling stories, particularly oral storytelling, is how the tales change and adapt depending on the narrator. in this case, the story changed because i have an addiction to dialogue and misremembered a few plot points. the overall story remains the same, but the original tale by Howard Pyle involved the king warning the prime minister (high chancellor, in Pyle’s version) and the minister hiring a bodyguard.

my version is also much longer, because Pyle very sensibly glossed over dialogue points and kept things moving more briskly. i highly recommend reading Pyle’s version and then telling this story to whatever small children you run into in your life. small children and grownups alike love a storyteller.

https://www.commonlit.org/texts/how-boots-befooled-the-king

[eldritchsurveys]

748.

What's the latest youtube channel you've discovered and binge-watched? >> I don’t binge-watch channels, but the latest channel I discovered was one that makes videos that break down FFXIV jobs/classes. I need as much help as I can get because I think something about my brain just doesn’t gel well with certain game mechanics (like complex rotations, parsing what’s happening on a busy screen when particle effects are flying everywhere, interpreting and responding to battle elements on the fly, stuff like that -- which many gamers take for granted that everyone can do without a struggle) and I’m hoping a lot of exposure to the concepts will somehow... make them click. I don’t know.

What's one thing that makes your shoulders hurt? >> Sleeping in a position that makes my shoulders hurt in the morning. Whatever position that is, it’s kind of hard to predict.

Does it snow where you live? >> Yes. I quite hope it’s done doing so until late fall...

Do you think your hair looks better long or short? >> I don’t care how it looks, I care whether it’s easy for me to take care of or not.

Do you look best with or without bangs? >> ---

What stereotype would you say you fit the most? >> Stereotypes aren’t something I aspire to fit. They’re reductive and often crude ways of perceiving individuals.

Do you enjoy editing photos on your phone? >> I don’t edit photos on my phone.

What's your favorite thing to do on your phone? >> Read books or Reddit posts. Or listen to Spotify, I find the mobile app is much better than the browser version.

Which season do you wish would last longer? >> Spring, always spring.

Do you like the name Eliana? >> Not especially.

Do you know anyone named Claire? Veronica? Cescily? Marcella? Miranda? >> One of my former friends’ legal name is Veronica. I don’t currently know anyone by the other names.

Haw many outdoor birthday parties have you had? >> Zero.

How much taller or shorter are you than your mom? >> A few inches taller, last I knew.

Who is your favorite sibling? >> ---

Do you have neat handwriting? >> When I make an effort.

Do you enjoy journaling? >> Not particularly, but sometimes it can get the sludge out.

What is your most recent new favorite food you've discovered? >> I haven’t had much opportunity to try new foods lately, considering.

Do you like sushi? >> Sure.

Have you ever tried seaweed? >> Yeah, I like a few varieties of it.

How often do you wash your hair? >> Whenever it feels like it needs it, and then whenever I feel like I have the executive function to actually do it.

Do you have an actual pig-shaped piggy bank? >> No.

Would you rather hike a mountain or dive into the sea? >> I’d rather hike a mountain, because I can walk but I cannot swim. Also, I do like hiking.

Would you rather grow wings or a tail? >> I’d rather not grow either, those don’t fit with my self-perception.

Which Barbie doll was your favorite? >> ---

Do you prefer cheetah or zebra print? chevron or polka dots? paisleys or plaid? stripes or stars? >> Neither, neither, plaid, stars.

Do you like your natural hair color? >> It’s fine.

What is your natural hair color? >> Dark brown.

Did you dream of becoming famous as a kid? >> Yeah, but of course I didn’t really understand the full implications of fame, so I was mostly fantasising about being really good at stuff and having people like me for it, but also being able to, like, have a private, fulfilling life of my own. Which I doubt most famous people are truly allowed to have.

What show did you want to be on? >> I didn’t want to be on a show.

Have you ever been to a gynecologist?  >> Yes.

Do you use the Bitmoji app on your phone? >> Yes. I like sending them to Sparrow and vice versa.

Name three games that you are good at. >> Guitar Hero, the Fable series, Mario Kart (any edition that you can use the wheel adapter with).

What was your favorite board game as a kid? >> ---

If you were a Lisa Frank character, who would you be? >> Again, I still don’t know anything about the Lisa Frank universe. Didn’t even know there were specific characters.

Do you get on facebook every day? >> No. I check it every so often to see if I have messages to answer, and that’s it.

What is your Instagram screenname? >> ---

Do you remember the very first episode of Spongebob when it first came out? >> No.

Did you watch the Kids Choice Awards when you were a kid? >> No.

What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? >> I wasn’t interested in them. Right now, I’d say All Saints was probably the best one from that era imo.

Would you ever consider naming a child after a family member? >> ---

List three names that sound similar to your name. >> The only one I can think of is “Mildred” and that’s annoying because I hate that name.

List three spelling of your name that you are glad you don't have. lol >> I’m not sure how else you could spell it.

What were you almost named? >> ---

What is your name (first and middle)? >> Mordred Shadow.

Do you like your name? >> Of course, or I would have named myself something different.

What are your top three favorite girl's names? boy names? >> ---

List 10 more girls' names you like. List 10 boys' names you like. >> ---

List 10 names you think would be good for a pet. >> ---

Do you have memories that still make you cry? >> Well, yes. It’s called emotional flashbacks.

What is something  you always wanted to do that your parents never let you? >> My parent never let me do anything, so that list is very long. Anyway, I’ve done almost all of it by now, seeing as I’ve been a legal adult for over 10 years.

Do you have any symptoms of COVID-19 right now? >> No.

Have you made your own mask to help prevent the spread of the virus? >> No.

Do you know anyone who has the virus? >> I don’t think so. If so, they haven’t told anyone about it.

What was the last grocery store you shopped at? >> Meijer.

Name three countries you would like to visit. >> Iceland, Ireland, Turkey.

What does your name mean? >> It’s unclear.

Are you proud to be an American? (if applicable) >> No? I didn’t make the choice to be born here or anything, it was just how it happened. There’s nothing for me to be proud of.

What countries have you visited? >> None.

Do you have any regrets? >> Meh.

Do you ever wish you had someone to hug? >> I mean, I do. I just don’t have the ability to enjoy hugging someone.

What color are the slippers you wore last? >> Grey.

Do you ever sleep on your bedroom floor? >> Nah. It’s tempting in the summer, though, ngl.

[0100100100101101]

There’s a revolution afoot, and you will know it by the stripes.

Earlier this year, a group of Berkeley researchers released a pair of videos. In one, a horse trots behind a chain link fence. In the second video, the horse is suddenly sporting a zebra’s black-and-white pattern. The execution isn’t flawless, but the stripes fit the horse so neatly that it throws the equine family tree into chaos.

Turning a horse into a zebra is a nice stunt, but that’s not all it is. It is also a sign of the growing power of machine learning algorithms to rewrite reality. Other tinkerers, for example, have used the zebrafication tool to turn shots of black bears into believable photos of pandas, apples into oranges, and cats into dogs. A Redditor used a different machine learning algorithm to edit porn videos to feature the faces of celebrities. At a new startup called Lyrebird, machine learning experts are synthesizing convincing audio from one-minute samples of a person’s voice. And the engineers developing Adobe’s artificial intelligence platform, called Sensei, are infusing machine learning into a variety of groundbreaking video, photo, and audio editing tools. These projects are wildly different in origin and intent, yet they have one thing in common: They are producing artificial scenes and sounds that look stunningly close to actual footage of the physical world. Unlike earlier experiments with AI-generated media, these look and sound real.

The technologies underlying this shift will soon push us into new creative realms, amplifying the capabilities of today’s artists and elevating amateurs to the level of seasoned pros. We will search for new definitions of creativity that extend the umbrella to the output of machines. But this boom will have a dark side, too. Some AI-generated content will be used to deceive, kicking off fears of an avalanche of algorithmic fake news. Old debates about whether an image was doctored will give way to new ones about the pedigree of all kinds of content, including text. You’ll find yourself wondering, if you haven’t yet: What role did humans play, if any, in the creation of that album/TV series/clickbait article?

A world awash in AI-generated content is a classic case of a utopia that is also a dystopia. It’s messy, it’s beautiful, and it’s already here.

Currently there are two ways to produce audio or video that resembles the real world. The first is to use cameras and microphones to record a moment in time, such as the original Moon landing. The second is to leverage human talent, often at great expense, to commission a facsimile. So if the Moon descent had been a hoax, a skilled film team would have had to carefully stage Neil Armstrong’s lunar gambol. Machine learning algorithms now offer a third option, by letting anyone with a modicum of technical knowledge algorithmically remix existing content to generate new material.

At first, deep-learning-generated content wasn’t geared toward photorealism. Google’s Deep Dreams, released in 2015, was an early example of using deep learning to crank out psychedelic landscapes and many-eyed grotesques. In 2016, a popular photo editing app called Prisma used deep learning to power artistic photo filters, for example turning snapshots into an homage to Mondrian or Munch. The technique underlying Prisma is known as style transfer: take the style of one image (such as The Scream) and apply it to a second shot.

Now the algorithms powering style transfer are gaining precision, signalling the end of the Uncanny Valley—the sense of unease that realistic computer-generated humans typically elicit. In contrast to the previous somewhat crude effects, tricks like zebrafication are starting to fill in the Valley’s lower basin. Consider the work from Kavita Bala’s lab at Cornell, where deep learning can infuse one photo’s style, such as a twinkly nighttime ambience, into a snapshot of a drab metropolis—and fool human reviewers into thinking the composite place is real. Inspired by the potential of artificial intelligence to discern aesthetic qualities, Bala cofounded a company called Grokstyle around this idea. Say you admired the throw pillows on a friend’s couch or a magazine spread caught your eye. Feed Grokstyle’s algorithm an image, and it will surface similar objects with that look.

“What I like about these technologies is they are democratizing design and style,” Bala says. “I’m a technologist—I appreciate beauty and style but can’t produce it worth a damn. So this work makes it available to me. And there’s a joy in making it available to others, so people can play with beauty. Just because we are not gifted on this certain axis doesn’t mean we have to live in a dreary land.”

At Adobe, machine learning has been a part of the company’s creative products for well over a decade, but only recently has AI become transformative. In October engineers working on Sensei, the company’s set of AI technologies, showed off a prospective video editing tool called Adobe Cloak, which allows its user to seamlessly remove, say, a lamppost from a video clip—a task that would ordinarily be excruciating for an experienced human editor. Another experiment, called Project Puppetron, applies an artistic style to a video in real time. For example, it can take a live feed of a person and render him as a chatty bronze statue or a hand-drawn cartoon. “People can basically do a performance in front of a web cam or any camera and turn that into animation, in real time,” says Jon Brandt, senior principal scientist and director of Adobe Research. (Sensei’s experiments don’t always turn into commercial products.)

Machine learning makes these projects possible because it can understand the parts of a face or the difference between foreground and background better than previous approaches in computer vision. Sensei’s tools let artists work with concepts, rather than the raw material. “Photoshop is great at manipulating pixels, but what people are trying to do is manipulate the content that is represented by the pixels,” Brandt explains.

That’s a good thing. When artists no longer waste their time wrangling individual dots on a screen, their productivity increases, and perhaps also their ingenuity, says Brandt. “I am excited about the possibility of new art forms emerging, which I expect will be coming.”

But it’s not hard to see how this creative explosion could all go very wrong. For Yuanshun Yao, a University of Chicago graduate student, it was a fake video that set him on his recent project probing some of the dangers of machine learning. He had hit play on a recent clip of an AI-generated, very real-looking Barack Obama giving a speech, and got to thinking: Could he do a similar thing with text?

A text composition needs to be nearly perfect to deceive most readers, so he started with a forgiving target, fake online reviews for platforms like Yelp or Amazon. A review can be just a few sentences long, and readers don’t expect high-quality writing. So he and his colleagues designed a neural network that spat out Yelp-style blurbs of about five sentences each. Out came a bank of reviews that declared such things as, “Our favorite spot for sure!” and “I went with my brother and we had the vegetarian pasta and it was delicious.” He asked humans to then guess whether they were real or fake, and sure enough, the humans were often fooled.

With fake reviews costing around $10 to $50 each from micro-task marketplaces, Yao figured it was just a matter of time before a motivated engineer tried to automate the process, driving down the price and kicking off a plague of false reviews. (He also explored using neural nets to defend a platform against fake content, with some success.) “As far as we know there are not any such systems, yet,” Yao says. “But maybe in five or ten years, we will be surrounded by AI-generated stuff.” His next target? Generating convincing news articles.

Progress on videos may move faster. Hany Farid, an expert at detecting fake photos and videos and a professor at Dartmouth, worries about how fast viral content spreads, and how slow the verification process is. Farid imagines a near future in which a convincing fake video of President Trump ordering the total nuclear annihilation of North Korea goes viral and incites panic, like a recast War of the Worlds for the AI era. “I try not to make hysterical predictions, but I don’t think this is far-fetched,” he says. “This is in the realm of what’s possible today.”

Fake Trump speeches are already circulating on the internet, a product of Lyrebird, the voice synthesis startup—though in the audio clips the company has shared with the public, Trump keeps his finger off the button, limiting himself to praising Lyrebird. Jose Sotelo, the company’s cofounder and CEO, argues that the technology is inevitable, so he and his colleagues might as well be the ones to do it, with ethical guidelines in place. He believes that the best defense, for now, is raising awareness of what machine learning is capable of. “If you were to see a picture of me on the moon, you would think it’s probably some image editing software,” Sotelo says. “But if you hear convincing audio of your best friend saying bad things about you, you might get worried. It’s a really new technology and a really challenging problem.”

Likely nothing can stop the coming wave of AI-generated content—if we even wanted to. At its worst, scammers and political operatives will deploy machine learning algorithms to generate untold volumes of misinformation. Because social networks selectively transmit the most attention-grabbing content, these systems’ output will evolve to be maximally likeable, clickable, and shareable.

But at its best, AI-generated content is likely to heal our social fabric in as many ways as it may rend it. Sotelo of Lyrebird dreams of how his company’s technology could restore speech to people who have lost their voice to diseases such as ALS or cancer. That horse-to-zebra video out of Berkeley? It was a side effect of work to improve how we train self-driving cars. Often, driving software is trained in virtual environments first, but a world like Grand Theft Auto only roughly resembles reality. The zebrafication algorithm was designed to shrink the distance between the virtual environment and the real world, ultimately making self-driving cars safer.

These are the two edges of the AI sword. As it improves, it mimics human actions more and more closely. Eventually, it has no choice but to become all too human: capable of good and evil in equal measure.