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ayamari-no-goshi · 3 years

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Verboten 16 | (T)

ff.net | AO3

Fandom: Danny Phantom (DP)

Summary: AU. When Danny was five years old, he went missing for 2 weeks. In the years that follow, his family tried to make sense of what happened, only for the truth to be discovered years later.

Warnings: rated T for violence, mentions of death, language. Be prepared for some very weird things

Parings: Danny/Sam

Notes: originally uploaded to Ff.net. Cross-posted to AO3 and tumblr. This fic is very heavily inspired by folklore surrounding mysterious wilderness disappearances

Chapter 16

As Danny waited outside with the rest of the guests, his parents and Vlad met up with him. After they handed him a bag filled with one of his favorite Nasty Burger meals, he gave them a quick rundown of what he knew, save for the appearance of the ghost. While frustrated, his parents shuffled him into the RV so he could eat and warm up a bit. It was a chilly fall day after all.

As he ate, Danny vaguely wondered how his parents managed to convince Vlad, the man with the limo, to go across town with them. His dad’s driving prowess… well, lack thereof… was famous in the area. The townsfolk and even the police steered clear of any known Fenton vehicle. In actuality, he had no idea how his dad hadn’t lost his license.

After a couple hours, the fire department cleared the building with the exception that rooms on the second floor could not be used until the police preformed an investigation to verify whether or not arson occurred. The rooms on that floor would also need cleaned. Thankfully, little damage ended up being done from the fire: a few pieces of furniture and some scorch marks. The majority of the damage ended up being from the hotel’s sprinkler system.

After collecting their items, his parents drove to a large house on the outskirts of the housing plan where Sam lived. After asking what they were doing there, Vlad matter-of-factly stated he just finalized the payment on it. Danny’s utter confusion had to be evident as his parents explained Vlad recently decided to purchase a house in Amity Park since he would be around more to help with the research.

Well, it explained why it took his parents so long to get food. While the act itself didn’t seem that strange for Vlad, he did own a castle in Wisconsin after all, something about the timing bothered him. With the rare exception of a day when there was a major experiment malfunction, Vlad tended to stay with the family upon his visits. Exactly how long would he be in town if he needed to buy a new house?

After getting a quick tour of the house, Danny retired to his temporary room and called his friends. The three way call ended up being hectic as he explained what happened. “Guys, I’m telling you, I saw a ghost, and then somehow the hotel caught fire.”

“Calm down, Danny,” Sam instructed. “I know you’re telling the truth, but geez, how in the world did you end up being the center of so much trouble in two days?”

“My mom said something about me possibly attracting paranormal things now.”

“Makes sense, in a weird sort of way,” Tucker agreed as typing could be heard on his end. “I’ll see if I can dig up any stories of ghosts like what you saw this time.”

“Don’t worry about it, Tucker. You’re already looking into those files.”

“Nah, this’ll be easy. It’ll only take a couple minutes at most to set up a search and have it run in the background while we talk. Any specific things that stood out?”

“Other than the blue flaming hair?” He sighed and collapsed on his bed. “If she hadn’t been a ghost, she would have looked right at home in one of those bands Sam likes. She said she wanted to make people remember she still exists.”

“So she looked like a goth?” Sam questioned.

“Yeah, but with some, uh… I think you’d say she’s more punk.”

“Woah! That’s weird,” Tucker stated after something on one of his tech devices beeped in the background. “So, apparently there have been a series of spontaneous fires that seem to occur about every ten years, but they started after the death of a local girl. Some people think it’s her ghost that causes them. I’ll send you the articles.”

It took only seconds for the article links to be sent. Danny nearly dropped the phone when the picture of the mentioned girl appeared on the screen. With the exception of the hair, the girl’s face matched that of the ghost. “That… that’s her! Wow, she really doesn’t look that much different as a ghost.”

“Wait, you’re serious?” Sam hummed as she reviewed the information. “Says here while she was unpopular at school, she was in a local band. She was found dead after her house burned down mysteriously. The police thought it might of been an arson, but officials were never able to verify anything. After her death and around its anniversary, there were reports of fires in the city. Sometimes, entire buildings are engulfed, but other times the words ‘you will remember’ appear burned into buildings.”

“I kinda remember hearing my dad mention something about ghost fires growing up, but with it being my dad, I never put any stock into it.”

“My mom said something about it once.”

“I have no idea why I keep forgetting your mom works for 911,” Sam interrupted. “You know, we might be able to use that to our advantage.”

“I mean, you can try, but she refuses to talk about anything other than the occasional funny call. The one about the ‘bambulance’ still brings me to tears.”

“Tuck, you’re getting distracted.”

“Right. Anyways,” some typing could be heard on Tucker’s end, “my mom thought the fires were from the girl’s bandmates. They had just recorded a song called ‘Remember’ which got some local play before she died. Since I know asking Mom for anything else is pointless, I think I’m gonna see if I can get into the files of those fires. The news articles all have explanations, but some of them seem a bit over the top.”

“How long will that take?”

Danny snorted. “Sam, it’s Tucker. Knowing him, he’s already looking at them.”

“I’m hurt, Sam. Do you really have that little faith in me?”

“I know you’ll be able to get them eventually. You’re track record hasn’t been all that great recently. You’ll still working on those files you got from Plasmius, after all.”

“Oh, I’ve finished the review on those. Some of it isn’t pretty, but I wanted to verify information directly from Vlad Master’s companies. That’s been slow going ‘cause he has some impressive firewalls, and I’m really trying not to get caught. As for this,” Tucker briefly shouted in triumph, “I’ve already gotten what I need. Hmm… that’s weird. The official investigations regarding the ‘Ember fires’, as they’re called, all state there was no known cause of the fire. There wasn’t even evidence of an accelerant… which is…?”

“It’s something used to make a fire go from a few flames to a roaring fire. Think of what happens when you add gasoline to a fire,” Sam explained as tapping could be heard on her end. Was she at the computer too? “Most arsonists use one. If they don’t, unless the flames start where there’s something like tissue paper, sawdust, or something else really flammable, the fire usually takes a lot of time to grow and become a problem. Tuck, is there anything about flammable materials?”

“Hmm… no, not really.”

Danny sighed as he got off the bed and paced his temporary room. “Great, now there’s a fire starting ghost on the prowl, on top of Plasmius, that thing… and possibly whatever is wrong with that girl. Tuck, do you have any updates on anything?”

“On the Plasmius front, no. Like I said, I’m trying to cross-reference those files against the files from VladCo and DALV, but that’s taking a while due to his security. For the creepy thing that attacked you, I have a notification set up for any potentially related attacks. I think that’s all I can do for now on that… As for Maura, I got distracted a bit when Plasmius had that chat with you, but I can tell you she stopped posting on social media right after her disappearing act. That’s pretty weird for girls in her clique. Give me a couple days to get her medical chart.” Something beeped in the background. “Oh, it looks like I might have a pattern for our fire bug ghost.”

“At least that’s something. Can you send them to me?”

Sam snorted. “What, you’re gonna try to figure out where she’ll be and talk to her?”

“I mean, it’s worth a shot. Maybe she knows something about Plasmius or that thing? And… maybe I can nicely ask her to stop lighting fires?”

“I think you’re just gonna end up with your ass kicked, but go ahead.”

“Thanks for that wonderful vote of confidence,” Danny deadpanned. The ghost was nice enough to give him a warning so she couldn’t be all bad. “I think if I open up with a ‘thank you’, she won’t outright attack me.”

“It’s your funeral.”

“Actually, Danny, can you die?” Tucker hesitantly asked. “I mean… your situation is kinda weird.”

He thought about it for a few moments. “I think so. Clockwork told me I’m alive, so that’s good enough for me. But, to be honest, I don’t really wanna think about it too much.”

“That’s fair.”

…

Danny’s conversation only lasted a few more minutes after Tucker asked the awkward question as his parents called for him over an intercom system. Uncertain if the correct response to the intercom should be to cringe or be impressed, he pushed it from his mind as he meandered down the hallways to attempt to find his parents.

Something about the décor of the mansion seemed familiar, but Danny found it difficult to place it. Vlad loved the Green Bay Packers, and he commonly used their colors of green and gold for accents. He stopped in his tracks as he glanced around. Plasmius also had green and gold splashes in his home. It had to be a coincidence.

Not wanting to think about it more, he raced down the halls and eventually came to the main foyer. His dad shot him a questioning glance as his mother stood and moved towards him.

“Hi, sweetie! How are you adjusting? It’s been a hectic couple days.”

“I’m okay. I’m just a bit tired,” he told her as he dodged a hug. “I let Sam and Tucker know we’re fine. I’m not dealing with Jazz until after you guys talk to her.”

“I trust the room is to your liking?”

Danny jumped as Vlad’s voice came from behind him. How did he miss him? “Yes. Thanks for letting us stay.”

Vlad waved his hand dismissively. “It’s no trouble at all. My house is yours.”

“Vlad, you mentioned you had a workshop we can use?” His mother asked as she abandoned her attempts at hugging her son.

After staring at her for a second, Vlad shook his head and regained composure. “Surely that can wait until tomorrow, my dear. You’ve been through quite a lot in the past twenty-four hours.”

“No can do, Vladdy!” Jack boomed as he excitedly stood. “You heard those policemen. They want a Fenton product, and I can’t sit still when that spook is still a threat to my family. Say, do you want to help?”

The billionaire grimaced before forcing a smile. “I must politely decline, but I will gladly look over any blue prints in the morning.”

“Don’t worry,” Maddie told him while giving her husband a fond grin, “I know how… enthusiastic Jack can be when he has a new project. I’ll also make sure he sleeps tonight. We don’t want any accidents.”

“That would be greatly appreciated.”

Danny glanced between Vlad and his parents. There was some sort of story he was missing. “Should I ask?” he hesitantly questioned.

“I was badly injured when we were in collage when an experiment went wrong,” Vlad explained as his expression hardened. “As a result, I’ve made it a rule to not be in a room when someone is actively making experimental items or preforming experiments. However, I’ll gladly double check procedures, blue prints, set ups, and results.”

“I… yeah… That… that makes sense. But you’re okay now?”

“Absolutely, my dear boy. You could say I gained a different outlook on life as a result.” Vlad gave a predatory grin which sent shivers down Danny’s spine. “Why, if I hadn’t gotten into that accident, I probably wouldn’t have ended up so successful.”

“Right…” His mother must have caught something off in Vlad’s tone as she furrowed her brow in confusion. “It’s gotten pretty late. Danny, will you be alright?”

“Huh? Probably. I mean, I could use a snack.”

“The kitchen and pantry are just down that hall.” Vlad pointed towards the hallway opposite of the way Danny originally came. “Will you be alright to be back to your room once you’re done? If you wait, I can escort you back once I’m done showing your parents where the lab is.”

“Thanks, but I think I’ll be alright. ‘Night everyone.” Chuckling as his father couldn’t contain his excitement anymore and bounded down the hall followed by his amused mother and wary Vlad, he just made his way to the kitchen. It thankfully was easy to find, and after making a sandwich, he meandered his way back towards his room.

….

Around midnight, Danny decided he would attempt to sneak out of the mansion. Luckily for him, Vlad put him in a room on the ground floor, saying something about how the upper floors weren’t ready yet. Luckier still, there were no bars on the windows. Sam’s parents tried doing something like before due to how many times she snuck out, but it was struck down by her Grandma Ida, who still had control of the deed at that time.

Escape ended up being a piece of cake. There didn’t seem to be any type of security system or guard which seemed strange, but that would probably change once the mansion was officially finished.

He had an idea of where the ghost might end up appearing thanks to the articles Tucker forwarded to him earlier so he booked it in the direction of an older housing plan near the city’s boarder with Elmerton. The majority of buildings in the area were row houses in disrepair. While there were still a few low income families in the area, most of the houses were considered condemned. Danny remembered hearing talk of tearing the houses down at one point, but either the project was shelved or abandoned.

As he approached, he decided to shift to his ghostly form. While it seemed unlikely he would encounter anyone, the area did have a reputation for crime. While he didn’t know what sort of protection being a ghost would give him, it seemed a better option. And, if that thing tried attacking him again, maybe he could float to safety. He really hoped that thing didn’t appear; his trust in his abilities honestly was non-existent.

The soft glow of his ghost form provided the majority of the light as he silently found his way to the road where the girl used to live. The few street lamps were either broken or burnt out, and some even seemed melted.

His destination, Garnier Avenue, seemed worse than the surrounding streets. At first he thought the houses were just gutted, but a second look said otherwise. Most of them had some evidence of fire: melted windows, ash marks, and collapsed roofs and walls. Ash and dust could be found on the road as well as the sidewalk, and in some places, they almost looked like outlines of people.

The area seemed dead. No noise. No sound. No movement. As he continued to move forward, his hair stood on end and his breath misted in front of him. It was almost as if he walked into some sort of wall of static electricity.

“So this is what you actually look like. You’re not that bad looking after all,” a curious voice called to him, making him jump. Danny spun around to see the ghost from earlier materialize in front of him. Her appearance hadn’t changed, but she seemed more solid. Even her voice seemed closer and more natural. “Do you know how many of us would kill to be able to blend in that well?”

“Uh… I really wouldn’t know. This is really new to me,” Danny relied as he held up his hands in what he hoped was a submissive manner.

Her eyes narrowed. “So why are you here, baby pop? Do I interest you?”

He gulped at the undertones of her applications. “A little? I mean, you were nice enough to let me there would be a fire, and I wanted to thank you for that. And maybe ask a couple questions?”

“You just happened to be there at the right time,” she responded offhandedly though her satisfied smirk suggested his thanks was welcome. “It would be a waste to see someone like you get destroyed by accident. But, I would like to know how you found me.”

“I mentioned you to a friend of mine, and he was able to find out about your legend.” Danny hoped he sounded genuinely curious and not creepy. Wait, was it possible for him to not be creepy? He was a ghost after all.

She nodded. “I like to come back around the anniversary of my death. It helps strengthen me.”

“You do seem… I think stronger is the word I want.”

“Glad you noticed, and that makes you more observant than most of the guys I’ve met over the years. Call me, Ember.” Grinning again, she walked around him almost as if she was examining him.

“I’m Danny.”

She snorted. “Bet that’s your real name. Don’t met too many ghosts who remember theirs. You really must be new. Anyways, you had questions?”

“Yeah. I was hoping you might know something about this thing that’s been seen around the town. It attacked me, and it’s caused enough trouble to get the police interested.” When she didn’t immediately respond, Danny took that as a sign he could continue. So, he quickly explained his interaction with whatever the thing was. When he finished, Ember expression turned stony.

“You’re telling me something like that has been seen in my town?” she demanded. Her hair, which had been gently waving in an invisible wind, suddenly blazed in a blue flame. “Are you telling me one of those things have been seen here?”

Danny gulped and nodded. “Like I said, it attacked me! What are they? Plasmius doesn’t know what they are either.”

“Plasmius? Plasmius is here too?” The temperature around them spiked as she shrieked. “Are you working for him? You better answer me, Dipstick.”

===

Notes: ghostly fire is usually considered insubstantial and doesn't tend to cause damage. Actual paranormal fire damage is usually associated with poltergeists, and more modern theories classify poltergeists as creations of psychokinesis (PK) agents (normally living people) instead of spirits.

Ember's background is directly taken from information provided by one of the show's directors.

"Bambalance" is a reference to an old but hilarious 911 call. You can find it on YouTube under the title "the guy, the deer, the dog, and the bambulance." There is some foul language in it.

Also, there is a very subtle 'Phantom of the Opera' reference in this chapter.

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keiratheraven · 4 years

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Bentley 8 Squad: Forgive and Heal

(I dedicated this post for this October AKA Mental Health Awareness month)

Every member of the Bentley 8 Squad has a dark past. All of them were problematic in their late teen or early young adult years.

Angela Pleasant (Bentley Queen). The miss “perfect”. She was a queen bee, cheerleader captain, honor student, and the girl squad leader. Her parents (Daniel and Mary-Sue Pleasant) put pressure on her to be the flawless daughter. She dedicated herself to become “The Perfect Princess”, but actually she thinks she’ll never be good enough. But she didn’t tell anyone about her battle with Bulimia, and no one believed her when she said there’s something wrong with her body. Everyone just said it’s just bad cramps, nothing more. Then she was diagnosed with Endometriosis at age 19. Although she was surrounded by many people, No one understands her pain and struggles. She's pursuing a master's degree in psychology from Sim State and has the ambition to become a psychologist, but her conditions keep restraining her.

Lilith Pleasant (Bentley Gothic). The black sheep of the family. Daniel and Mary-Sue favored Angela over her and abused her. They didn’t teach her to talk, walk, and use the toilet. They blamed her for everything. They liked to and slap and yell at her. She and Angela also hated each other and they’re always fighting every day. One time, Lilith ran away from their house because she couldn’t take it anymore. But eventually, the police found her and took her home. Since then, Daniel and Mary-Sue treat her better and Angela apologized to her, but later on, she was diagnosed with Type 1 Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. She pours all her emotions into arts and music, then took the art major at Sim State because her dream is to become a rock singer and illustrator at once. But her fluctuating moods and her addiction to self-harm make her questioning the future.

Dustin Broke (Bentley Rogue). The delinquent criminal. The death of his father and the way he died made him mad at the world. He took over his late father’s position as the man of the house and eventually became a criminal to support his family. But his mother became an alcoholic who liked to beat him up and throw an open bottle of alcohol at him. He also has substance abuse after he became a drug dealer. One time when he was in his college dorm at Foxbury, he sent Gordon King into boiling rage after he told him that he spent the drug-selling money for gambling besides his tuition, and Gordon beat the shit out of him mindlessly. Because of his drug addiction, he was diagnosed with Mild Schizophrenia. Sometimes, he thinks he’s already wasted. He doesn’t get enough sleep every night and always looking at the ceiling while he lies on the bed.

Dirk Dreamer (Bentley Brain). The genius, nerdy guy. He always put a good effort to do well in his life. He was an honor student in high school. But the death of his mother really shocked him, and his grades took a downfall. Eventually, he rose to make his late mother proud and his grades back to the top. Although he was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at age 16, he keeps studying hard and he got a scholarship to Sims University Medical School. He became the assistant lecturer of Dr. Worthington. But, not everyone admires him. The son of Dr. Worthington named Dr. Mark punched him hard when he was alone after finishing a class. He said that Dirk will never take over his place as a devoted medical student in their faculty because his father kept comparing him with Dirk. Dirk keeps it to himself and he never told Dr. Worthington. Although he wants to become a psychiatrist to recover his beloved seven friends, He almost gave up as a doctor because of his illness. He muses about it every night when he's alone because he has to act as a strong, resilient young doctor in front of everyone.

Ophelia Nigmos (Bentley Flower). The mysterious and anxious girl who was desperate for a family. Her parents died when she was ten, and she was raised by an (allegedly) murderer aunt. She was haunted by many ghosts in her near-graveyard house, and Aunt Olive wasn’t the nicest person to be around with. She liked to scold her over the smallest things. She was cold and indifferent to her. One time, she humiliated Ophelia in front of her high school. Many people looked at them, but Ophelia couldn’t do anything to hide the shame. It caused her to have Anxiety and Paranoid personality disorders. Because of this, Ophelia is always anxious when she has to talk in front of many people, so she dreamed to become a novelist and songwriter. Eventually, Aunt Olive died when she was attending La Fiesta Tech. Ophelia mourned her death, but the wounds that Olive gave to her aren’t easy to forget.

Puck Summerdream (Bentley Fancy). The lucky fairy guy who was adopted by loving parents and also a kid sister. He didn’t want to get involved with Capp-Monty feuds in Veronaville and always be kind to them. He also had a crush on Hermia Capp, who became his girlfriend after they kissed for the first time at Puck’s party. But Mercutio Monty didn’t like it and got mad at them. The next day, he beat Puck's ass and took his money at the schoolyard. "That’s for stealing my girlfriend", he said. Puck hid his feelings and cried when he got home. Later on, he attended Academie Le Tour with Hermia. He took double majors: music and mathematics cause his dream is to become a classical musician. But, a tragedy struck. Hermia got shot in a mass shooting and died when she was buying heart medications for Puck. Puck fell into a Major Depression, and his heart condition got worse. Years have passed, but he couldn’t forget her despite many women want him.

Ripp Grunt (Bentley Clown). The tragic hyperactive joker. His mother died when he was eleven, and he was raised by the disciplined-yet-abusive General Buzz Grunt. Buzz liked to punch him when he didn’t obey him, and his brother, Tank Grunt, used him as his punching bag. One time, Tank threatened him to tell Buzz about Ripp’s bisexuality just because Tank didn’t like that Ripp partnered with his crush, Anna, at the school lab. But Ripp never showed his real feelings, except for Ophelia and Johnny. He smiled, joked, and laughed a lot, but actually, deep down he’s crying. He cries a lot and is also tortured by loneliness when he’s alone, but he keeps hiding his feelings by “The Funny Guy” mask. Despite the abuse of his father and brother, Ripp has the talent to entertain others by acting, singing, and play the guitar, so he took the drama major at Britechester. He suffers from ADHD, and gastritis caused by the longtime stress of the abuse. He misses his mom so much and always musing about her.

Johnny Smith (Bentley Leader). The carefree green guy. He was happy. Being the “normal” family in “abnormal” alien descent made him proud of his heritage. Despite having green skin, Johnny was so confident. He’s a sporty jock guy who likes to exercise, play soccer or basketball. He tried so hard to fit in at his high school and every surrounding. His neighbors see him no differently, except Buzz and Tank Grunt. He and Tank always fighting with each other in high school, but it didn’t affect Johnny’s happy life. Then, one night changed everything. When he was 18 and attending as a freshman at La Fiesta Tech, he got attacked by nine people and stabbed on his abdomen due to a hate crime against alien sims. When his blood ran down, the culprits threw him into the smelly and filthy dumpster. He fell into a coma, but luckily for him to have alien blood, he recovered very quickly and regained consciousness after five days. But since then, he has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. He got Minor Depression and having suicidal thoughts as well.

However, everything gets better when all of them get together. They’re having medical treatments for their mental and physical condition, counseling, and group therapies. They’re completing each other and have special bonds. Their stories might be different, but that’s what makes them united besides their love for Bentley cars. Together, they learn to be stronger, nicer, wiser and be a better person. They also want to recover from their past traumas through medications and strong friendships.

In the end, they learn to let go and forgive everything in their pasts. They realized it’s useless to blame themselves, and everything happens for a reason. Because the past doesn’t define who they are. Trauma might be hard, but eventually, they have to face them instead of avoiding them. That’s the meaning of growing up, healing the wounded souls, and moving on. They never stopped chasing their dreams despite their disabilities and keep supporting each other just like a real family.

And it was an early fall in Bridgeport, Sim City. At the anniversary of their establishment of Bentley 8 and Im-perfection community, they decided to go to a resort. They had some fun there. Angela made grilled salmon and cheesesteak for their lunch. Johnny and Dirk played soccer. Meanwhile, Ripp, Dustin, Ophelia, Lilith, and Puck roasted some marshmallows. When they are together, They’re creating memories because tomorrow is never guaranteed. But, no matter what happens tomorrow, they are grateful to still have each other.

"The past can't haunt me if I don't let it

Live and learn and never forget it

Whoa, gotta learn to let it go

Learn to let go, learn to let go

Learn to let go" - Kesha, 2017

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broke-n-bitchy · 5 years

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Wicked Dreams

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Nikki Sixx x OC

Part Five

Warnings; drinking, cursing, smoking, drugs use, angst, lil smutty

-Lucy’s POV-

August 9th. Today was already a particularly hard day for me. Today marked the ninth year of my mother’s death, it was still hard for me to believe that I’ve spent almost an entire decade without the only person I could ever truly rely on in this fucked up world.

Back at home, I would usually spend this day with a six pack next to her grave. Sitting there, peeling off the flower petals off of the bouquet that I’ve gotten to lay in front of her headstone. I would cry, laugh, and talk to her like she was right there with me. I don’t know if it was the booze, but it felt like she was. And before I’d leave, I would make sure to remind her that I’m doing alright.

This is the first time I haven’t been home for this day and honestly, it was hitting me like a fucking brick. Staring at myself in the mirror of the dressing room, I heard a knock on the door, “Lucy, you guys are on in ten!” Doc explained through the door, “I’ll be right there!” I responded, I was ready but for some reason, I couldn’t find my boots. Did I leave them back at the hotel? No, I don’t think I did.

Looking around frantically, I began tearing apart the dressing room.

That’s when I heard another knock on the door. “I said I’ll be right there Doc!” I yelled I knew he was impatient but damn. I was running around barefooted.

Most girls’ get necklaces, bracelets or whatever else from their mother, but my mom was a field medic and of all her belongings, I always loved her combat boots. I was so happy the day I could finally fit into them without shoving socks in the toes.

They were extremely beaten up, writing all over them, being held together with duct tape but I didn’t care. I’d wear those until I couldn’t anymore.

Those boots and my guitar were the only two things that actually made me feel like she was right there with me, every single night on stage.

“Actually, it’s Nikki. I uh- I have something for you.” I quickly came back from losing my train of thought, “Oh, come on in! I’m dressed.”

The door opened and he stepped inside, he was holding a medium sized white box in his hands,

“Not now, Sixx, I can’t find my boots anywhere.”

“Oh, that’s what I have, here they are.” He handed me the box with a small, awkward smile. He wasn’t used to doing nice things for other people, as a matter of fact, he sucked at it.

“Uh.” I didn’t know how to respond but I took the box and pulled the lid off. Looking at the pair of brand new, studded leather boots that could reach up to my knees. These weren’t it. These weren’t the army green boots being held together by a thread.

“Where are my old ones?” I asked him, trying my best to make sense of the situation.

“Oh, yeah, those. I threw them away.” Without any hesitation, I threw both new boots at him, “What is wrong with you?!” I yelled, not even holding back. I have been on my best behavior all day, I haven’t cried or anything. I was honestly saving up all of my anger and sadness for the stage so I could let it out in a positive way but Nikki just happened to push me to my last limit.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He yelled back, moving a bit closer, “They have torn the fuck up and honestly, making the entire bus smell like fuckin’ death! I thought maybe you needed a new pair! Why are you being such a fucking bitch! I do something nice for you and this is how you thank me!?” At this point, he was hovering over me, his normal tone dropped to a low bass sound and honestly, it scared me a little but I wasn’t going to let him know that.

“They were my mother’s, Nikki! My dead mother’s! Today is the anniversary of her death and I wanted to wear them tonight! I didn’t want new boots, I just wanted those! And I don’t have to thank you because I didn’t ask for them!” Pressing my finger against his chest, I paused but wasn’t going to stop there.

“I know you don’t know what it’s like to have anything of sentimental value or know what it’s like to feel closer through an object that was from someone you loved, but just because you grew up in a shitty home doesn’t mean you can go around disrespecting the rest of us and our fucking shit! Keep your hands off of my shit from now on!”

I honestly couldn’t believe he did this. I know it sounded stupid, I know to anyone else it was ridiculous that I was getting hyped up over a pair of shoes but right now I didn’t care.

He stared at me and the expression on his face was unreadable, but there was a small glimpse of sadness in his eye from what I said. It disappeared faster than it came.

“You know what? FUCK YOU! Fuck your shitty attitude, and fuck your dead mom! I don’t give a fuck!”

“You don’t give a fuck, because you only think about yourself! It’s suffocating with how fucking self-absorbed you are!” I know I was being way too harsh but this was just years of anger finally bubbling to the surface.

The craziest part about all of this was that last night, we were taking turns snorting coke out of this groupies belly button, laughing, and having the time of our fucking lives. I’ve become such a good wingman that at this point, even Vince and Tommy turned to me for help.

He stared at me for a moment before getting extremely close, hovering over until I could feel his breath against my cheeks. He smelled like liquor, blow, and sweat, but the mixture with his cologne had me drawn to it.

His voice was so low that it sends a shiver down my spine, “You and your fucking band were nothing but nobodies, barely getting gigs back in Texas, and if it wasn’t for us answering your call, and if it wasn’t for us, you wouldn’t even be drawing a crowd bigger than it is now. You play good, you look good, and your band has brought in a lot of new fans. And if it wasn’t for us, you’d be living in a shitty apartment with three guys working some dead-end fucking job, getting nowhere in life. So if I were you, I would watch your fucking mouth on who you’re talking to. Because I can easily take this away as easily as I gave it to you.”

No one, not even my mother, has ever spoken to me like this. Ever. It was just my mom, cousin, and I for most of my life. I didn’t know my dad so she always tried to be more gentle than firm. I guess that’s why what he said was turning me on. He never broke eye contact, didn’t even blink. I felt a lump in the back of my throat. He was right, I should be more grateful for what I have. I also shouldn’t have said what I did to him.

But I wasn’t about to let him know that.

There was someone who cleared his throat at the doorway, “Sorry to interrupt, but Lucy, you’re on.”

I nodded, shoulder checking Nikki while I grabbed the boots, sliding them up to my legs and zipping them. He got the size right. I had my converse, but I wasn’t about to wear those with studded jeans and a leather crop top.

“We’re not done talking,” Nikki said before I bolted out of the door.

-Nikki’s POV-

Standing on the side stage next to Vince and Tommy, I watched as our opening act performed. Normally, I’d be in the back drinking and fucking whatever girl gave me the first glance but I was too pissed off.

Why did Lucy have to be so fucking stubborn? I tried doing something nice for her and she goes off. But, fuck, how was I supposed to know that today was her mom’s death anniversary? We weren’t exactly good at deep conversations.

I hate that she’s so damn stubborn and prideful. You know what else I hate? The fact that she’s fucking talented, because now I can’t fire her.

Her with her laid back attitude, being my wingman. Her fucking soft hair and how does she always smell like cherries? It was obnoxious, like even after getting off stage drenched in sweat.

Watching as her little hips shook to the beat, her head banging while sliding down onto her knees during her solo, I couldn’t help but crack a small smile. In spite of everything that annoyed me about her, she was a natural on stage. They all were.

“Nikki!” Tommy yelled in my ear, shoving me over, “What?” I asked I didn’t realize I was thinking so hard. I don’t think, like ever. I just do.

“I said here, have a bump. Were you not listening?”

“No,” Responding, I grabbed the small dish, quickly snorting up two fat lines, proceeding to scoop some up with my finger and lick it then passing it along to Vince.

Snagging the bottle of Jack from Vince, I took a swig and nearly spat it out and what I saw Lucy do next. She slid across the stage then proceeded to hold her guitar up in the air while dry humping the stage during Ryder’s drum solo. Holy shit.

It drove the crowd insane, she stood up and reached her hand out to some of the fans, running towards the center of the stage next to Alex, they sang the last bridge of their final song for the night together.

I’m not going to lie, during their audition, I didn’t really pay attention. Not until I heard her voice. Alex was a damn good singer but there was a part of me that felt like Lucy should take over as lead, just the way she was so natural at it and in spite of our fight earlier, I had to respect her for everything she goes through and still pushes to be her best every night.

Once their song was over, the crowd roared through the venue, Alex spoke up, “Thank you! We’re System Insomniac, but it’s time for the main event! Motley fuckin’ Crue!”

The crowd roared even louder.

We were about to go on in about fifteen minutes, roadies had to set up props and replace the instruments.

“That was gnarly dudes’!” Tommy yelled in excitement once they came off the stage, he lifted Lucy up and twirled her in his arms while giving Sami a high five,

“That was hot Lucy,” Vince told her as soon as Tommy sat her down, “Thanks, yeah I wanted to try something new.”

“Well, it worked,” Alex laughed while draping his arms over Lucy and Ryder.

“Lucy, can I talk to you for a minute?” I spoke up after realizing I was being quiet.

“Uh, yeah. Sure,” Stepping off to the side to leave everyone else to speak amongst themselves.

I never did this but I was about to apologize, but instead, her arms reached up and engulfed me in a huge hug. “I’m so sorry I was a bitch to you earlier, I am. It’s just been a shitty day for me today and I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have.” She mumbled in my ear before pulling back, her bright blue eyes meeting mine. But tonight, they were a little more grey. Her hands still rested on my shoulders, and goddamnit, how does she still smell so fucking good?

“You were right, I really should be more grateful for everything. And I am, I really am. This, this is my dream and you helped make it come true, Nik. Thank you, and I’m sorry about the whole boot situation. It was actually really thoughtful of you to go get me a new pair, and I appreciate it. As much as I loved my mother, and I loved those boots, you have to let go of the past sometimes. Right?”

I didn’t really know how to respond, “Right.” Was all I could really say, her touch had this odd effect on me. A part of it felt soothing. In some sort of way.

She nodded, her chest still heaving from her compelling performance. “So, are we good, Sixx?”

A smirk played at my lips whilst I took the chance to snake my arms around her waist, tugging her a bit closer to me, “Yeah, we’re good.” Her grin grew wide and she pulled me into another hug. Burying my face into her neck, my hand slid down her ass and gave it a small squeeze.

“Nikki!” She squealed, letting out a laugh, “Sorry, a force of habit.” I removed my hand and let go of her embrace even though a part of me didn’t want to. “I’ll see you after the show, doll,” I told her before turning around and bolting off towards the stage.

Later that night

Once we were done with our show, we hopped off the stage and went to meet everyone else in the back.

They were all sitting in the small lounging area, Lucy had changed from her stage outfit into a pair of cut off shorts and a tank top, but she was still wearing her new boots. She was twirling a pen in her mouth while staring down at her journal, Ryder was sitting in the back where Mick at joined to drink.

Alex and Sami were talking to us about going to a party, and Tommy and Vince were on board. “Coming, Nikki?” Alex asked, “Hang on a minute,” I told him before going and plopping down next to Lucy, draping an arm over her shoulder.

“What is it with you and cut off jeans?” I questioned while my other hand played with a loose string of fabric that hung off of her thighs, “We country girls love our Daisy Duke’s.” She responded without looking up, placing a cigarette between her lips and lighting it.

“Interesting. So, you coming along to the party tonight?” Pulling the cigarette from her mouth after she took a drag, and taking a few drags myself before handing it back to her.

“Um, I was actually just going to go back to the hotel. Maybe spend some time in the jacuzzi and have some alone time.” She told me while glancing over at me.

Looking up towards the guys’, “I’m just going to go back to the hotel tonight.” I told them which was rare. Nikki Sixx never missed out on a good party.

Tommy gave me a weird look but quickly shrugged it off. Sami walked over to us, pulling Lucy up off of the couch and into a tight hug, “I miss her too.” I heard him say while he squeezed her tightly. She nodded, and I watched a small tear escaped and slid down her cheek, “Yeah, I know. I love you, man,” She patted him on the back before withdrawing her arms, I could tell she was trying her best to console her tears. “But you go have fun tonight, okay?” She smacked him on the arm and he nodded before heading out the door with the rest.

“Better make sure they don’t end up dead, see you guys’ later,” Mick told us before heading out with Ryder.

Back at the hotel, I headed back to my room and waited for about twenty minutes, and after changing, I went and knocked on Lucy’s door. I heard her say hang on, and a few seconds later she opened the door. She was wearing a red bikini and had a bottle of wine in her hand along with a few towels, I smiled a little at the sight. I know we’re just friends and that’s all we will ever be but that doesn’t mean I can’t stare at her smokin’ hot body.

“Where’s your usual scotch or bourbon?” I asked her, eyeing the bottle in her hand.

“I’m in the mood for something sweet tonight.”

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a little clear baggy of white powder, “I’ll join ya,” She smiled, giving me a small nod before stepping outside of her room and shutting the door.

We started walking down the hallway, and once we reached the elevator, she turned to me, “Okay, what gives? Why aren’t you at the party, doing body shots with one groupie while another one sucks you off?”

I shouldn’t have laughed but that was a pretty damn good assumption of what would probably be happening at the party if I was there.

“Well, I thought maybe you’d want some company tonight.” I shrugged. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it.

-Lucy’s POV-

Sliding into the jacuzzi, I let out a groan in pure bliss. My knees were killing from tonight's performance. Popping the lid off of the bottle, I took a drink before leaning against the ball of the tub. Looking over, Nikki was sitting in the chair next to me, he was staring.

“What?” I questioned, cocking an eyebrow in confusion.

“When’s the last time you got laid?” He asked me out of the blue. I don’t even remember, it’s been so long. I leaned back, trying to remember.

“That’s sad,” He laughed at me while starting to sort lines of blow on the table he was sitting in front of, I rolled my eyes and shrugged.

“Sorry, I’m a disappointment,” I told him while taking another drink, he snorted up a line real quick before leaning down and pulling the bottle from my hands, taking a drink.

“I meant that’s sad for you, I mean, you’re always getting us laid but never worry about yourself?” I shrugged, I never thought of it that way.

“I guess I’m one of those people that needs to have a whole lot of sex,” I told him, stepping out of the tub and standing over the table, I took the straw off of the table and snorted the next line, sniffling a little bit before dipping back in.

Glancing up, I watched Nikki start kicking off his shoes and unbuckling his pants, “What are you doing?” I asked him while he stripped down to his boxers. My eyes scanned his thighs up towards his torso before reaching his jawline, I bit my lip before glancing away.

“The fuck does it look like?” He slid in next to me, putting an arm behind me while leaning back, “Mm, taking a night off was a good call,” He said while staring up towards the night sky. “Yeah, it was. Until you joined me,” My wit was going to get me in trouble one day. He seemed to just ignore me while he kept his gaze upwards, and mine was on his facial features. He hadn’t wiped his stage makeup off yet and it was smudged at this point. But for some reason, it suited him.

I don’t know if it was the high or what but my fingers started dancing mindlessly across his chest, “You were really good on stage tonight,” I told him as I placed my hand onto his cheek so he could meet my gaze. He gave me a smug smirk.

“So were you, doll.” I felt his hand dip into the hot water and tug me closer by my hip. He had the bottle of wine in his other hand, and I reached for it, taking another drink before passing it back to him.

I know what he’s like, I know what he does. Hell, I help him pick up women almost every night. So, why was I feeling like this? What he said to me earlier, about taking everything away from me; it just changed my perspective on all of this. It was seriously bothering me that the way he looked at me earlier, with such intensity, and what he said, it turned me on. No guy has ever spoken to me like that before.

We sat there, in silence. Just listening to the jets in the hot tub, staring up at the sky while passing the sweet wine back and forth to each other. It was weird, to see him like this. Relaxed and unwinded, not having Tommy or some groupie latched to his side.

“Hm,” I hummed while stepping out of the jacuzzi, drying my hands off and picking up his little baggy and the straw, I dipped back down into the tub. “‘Nother bump?” I asked, pft, like I needed to.

His head perked up and watched while I distributed two even lines on the ground above the hot tub. Handing him the straw, he snorted up the first one before passing it back.

After snorting up mine, I tilted my head back with a small giggle before looking back towards him. He had a little blow on his lip.

“Hey, you have a little-” He met my gaze, his green orbs poured into mine while I swiped the little bit of coke off his lip with my thumb. I didn’t break eye contact, nor did I realize what I was doing. Placing my thumb between my lips, I sucked the rest of the residue off before letting go with a loud ‘pop’ noise. Biting my lower lip afterward while I tried to suppress a giggle but failed.

“Fuck,” He breathed while he swallowed harshly. He leaned back, letting out a breath and taking a long drink from the bottle, I grabbed it from him and finished off the rest of it before leaning over and pushing it off to the side, my back facing him because I was trying to aim it in the trash can a few feet away from us, but failed miserably.

I felt a pair of rough fingers start tracing the tattoo next to my shoulder blade on my back, “What does S-L-R stand for?” He questioned, I turned to face him halfway so he could still see my tattoo, “Suzanne Lynn Rollins,” I responded. Lovelace was just my stage name. Rollins was my maiden.

“Oh, okay, it’s a badass tattoo,” He complimented, turning around, I moved closer until I was standing between his legs. Sadly it was the only one I had, but I looked forward to getting more in the future. Tracing my fingers across the ones on his biceps, moving my fingers along his arms soothingly, “I like yours, too,” I told him, he moved his hands to my waist, pulling me closer until I was propped up onto his lap.

“Mhmm,” He mumbled, my hands were planted on his chest while one of his on my waist, guiding down towards my ass, this time I let it slide. The other one coming up to move the small hairs that were starting to cover my forehead, he slicked them back for me. Thinking nothing of it, because I’m a little fucked up; my hands moved up from his chest to the sides of his face, moving his hair away from his eyes so I could see them better. Scooting up a little closer, I straddled his waist. His hands rested firmly on my hips to stop me from moving, “Knock that off, damn,” He grunted, and I started laughing, “What, why?” I questioned, raising my eyebrows.

He leaned upwards until he wasn't propped against the wall of the hot tub anymore, his face a few centimeters from mine. “Because,” He mumbled. The breath in my throat hitched, what was happening right now? And how could it be so wrong if it just felt so good?

My eyes glanced from his down towards his lips, licking my own. I couldn’t fucking take this anymore. Leaning in, my lips smashed against his in a needy type of way, and he didn’t hesitate to return the kiss. It just felt so fucking good, his lips tasted like sweet wine and cigarettes.

His hands went from holding me firmly in his lap back towards my ass, giving it a firm squeeze, mine went flying to his hair, tugging and pulling at it like I wanted to do since the first time I’ve laid eyes on him. He nipped at my lower lip and I gladly opened my mouth up to the invitation, our tongue swirled together in sync in a very heated kiss. He grunted into my mouth, and it sent a vibration down my spine. He stood up and I took the opportunity to snake my legs around his waist, he backed me up against the wall, his hands squeezing and groping my ass one moment, the next running them up to the curves of my hips before back down again.

My own went from pulling at his hair to running them along his back as I tugged his lower lip between my teeth.

He groaned in what seemed like frustration, pulling away from our kiss, we were both breathing heavily, and he looked at me like he was asking if he could keep going. I was quite literally breathless, all I could do give a nod. He grinned, burying his face in the crook of my neck, nipping and biting at the skin. Letting out soft whimpers, trying my best to keep as quiet as I could, he moved downwards to my cleavage and he immediately found a soft spot that I didn’t even know I had. Right above my right tit, he gave it a little nip and I let out a moan instead of a whimper this time. He smirked against my skin before he kept suckling at that same spot. I could feel the heating sensation between my thighs and I knew there was going to be a hickey there later.

“Oh my god,” I breathed, tilting my head back while my mouth fell open, he reached around behind me and began fumbling with the strings of my bikini. He was about to untie it until we heard a very loud voice followed by someone pushing the gate open that led to the pool area.

“We’re back!” Tommy yelled and Nikki quickly pulled back from me and moved to the other side of the jacuzzi, “Oh, hey!” I exclaimed in false excitement. What a cockblock.

“Where’s everyone else?” I asked, he was walking around with some blonde on his arm, “Went up to their rooms, mind if we join ya?” He asked but he was already taking his clothes off.

“Sure man,” Nikki said while keeping his eyes fixated on me, “Yeah, but I’m actually headed to bed. Night guys.” I quickly withdrew myself from the jacuzzi, grabbing one of the towels from the chair and wrapping around my body before heading back inside. I was mentally cursing Tommy right now.

I know what I said but Nikki just had this way about him. Shit, I was going to need a cold fucking shower after this.

@triplehaitches @knightwhosaysnii @lovesick-heart0 @carmineharry @slowandangry @rxsesinjune @fandomshit6000

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squishyocalum · 5 years

Text

Never {Four}

The darkness of my room was kept at bay by the golden christmas lights strung around my window seal. I was sitting at my desk attempting to work on this essay that honestly wasn’t that appealing to me. We were supposed to write about how our summer went and honestly what was I supposed to say? ‘My mom died not even a week after school started so my school year was shit and then my best friend kissed me and now we’re dating but not really because he won’t show any affection around other people’? Yeah that sounds like a fantastic paper. A knock sounded at my door snapping from my thoughts.

“Come in.”

My dad popped his head into my room with a worried look on his face.

“Pumpkin I’ve been texting you for the past twenty minutes to come down for dinner, are you okay?”

“Yeah, my phones off so i can focus on this stupid english paper.” I pushed my hand through my hair letting the side of my head rest in the palm of my hand. “I don’t think I want to eat, I’ll probably take a shower and just go to bed.”

“Okay well I ordered pizza, I’ll leave you some in the fridge in case you get hungry later tonight. I love you.”

“Thank you, I love you too.” He nodded his head and shut my door firmly. I could hear his footsteps as he descended down the stairs, then promptly decided to shut my laptop and go take a shower.

I grabbed my phone and turned it on before I grabbed a towel from my closet and then underwear, shorts, and a band T - shirt from my dresser. My phone was still on DND so even if anyone had tried to contact me I wasn’t getting a notification for it. I pressed shuffle and ‘Millennia’ by Crown The Empire started to play through the speakers. I caught sight of multiple messages lining my screen, but being my stubborn self I chose to actively ignore them.

I finally stepped into the hot water and allowed it to cascade down my body. I stood there for at least ten minutes letting the annoyance and worry of the day fade away before I grabbed my shampoo and lathered it through my hair.

After rinsing my hair and conditioning it I put my ‘Apple Blossom’ body wash on my loofa and scrubbed my body. I felt tears begin to brim in my eyes as I rinsed myself off before turning the heat of the water up and sitting in the bottom of the tub; I pulled my knees to my chest and let tears fall down my face.

All I want right now is to talk to my mom, she would know what to do. She’s the reason I didn’t stop going to public school my sophomore year but she’s gone now, and I’m alone to figure this stuff out on my own.

After forty minutes I finally pulled myself from the shower and got dressed before brushing my teeth. I rubbed lotion on my body to keep my skin from drying and then turned off the light and made my way down to my bedroom. ‘Someone To Stay’ by Vancouver Sleep Clinic played quietly through my speakers as I approached my door. When I entered my bedroom I noticed someone sitting in my desk chair and I jumped slightly, ready to scream until I saw his face.

“Calum Thomas you scared the shit out of me!” I yelled in a hushed voice. He stood to his feet and made his way to me pulling me into a hug.

“What’s wrong baby?” He mumbled into the side of my neck as he rubbed circles in the small of my back. I hugged him back letting my head rest in his chest.

“I miss my mom.” That was only a half lie.

“So you’re not upset about what Arzaylea said in class?”

I pulled away from him and sighed.

“I mean yeah, it kind of upset me. It made me start thinking.”

“Thinking about what?”

“I mean, we do spend a lot of time together, and now that we’re together does that not make me look like a slut-”

He cut me off by reaching behind me and locking my door, he pulled me to sit with him on my bed.

“You are not a slut, Thalia. You are nowhere near being a slut.”

“Calum-”

“No, listen to me. You are the most amazing girl I have ever known. Let them talk, let them make up as many rumors as they want because I will be next to you the entire time; holding your hand and walking through it with you.”

He grabbed onto my hand and lifted it to his chest, I leaned down so my forehead was resting between his collar bones once again. We sat there for a moment in complete silence before I felt tears start to brim in my eyes.

“You know my mom liked you.” I whispered turning my face so my cheek was resting on his shoulder “She knew I liked you, and she used to cover for me when I would show up late after being with you guys.” He laughed at the information and looked down at me.

“Even that time that I wrecked my moms car and you had that cut on your forehead?”

“Yeah,” I pushed my way up my bed motioning for him to lay with me “She told my dad that she hit me with the door by accident.”

“He’s never going to like me is he?”

“He’s scared Calum, after what happened with Mali he just thinks-”

“That I’m a monster.”

I shot my head up to look at him, I sat up quickly and cupped his face with my hands.

“Baby no. You are not a monster, It was an accident. Everyone knows that.”

Tears were invading his soft brown eyes, he moved his hand up to mine and rubbed his thumb over it in a soothing motion.

“Thank you for always being such a good friend to me, such a good girlfriend.”

His words sent chills over my body. We have pet names for each other but I think I’ve only ever heard him refer to me as his girlfriend once or twice. It gave me a feeling like no other.

“Calum, I care about you so much,” I bowed my head feeling tears start to resurface “But I can’t go through that again.”

“What are you talking about? We just had this whole conversation about walking through this together-”

“You barely looked at me when we were around other people today, I mean you acted like it was a bad idea to touch me. So maybe it just isn’t the right time for us.”

“I thought you would want to keep the physical stuff to a minimum because of all the slut stuff. Didn’t you just say you thought it made you look like a slut?”

“A Minimum, Calum. Not cut off completely; this is going to be a hard week for me and I could have used your comfort. It made me start thinking that maybe this isn’t the best time for us to start a relationship.”

“What so you’re breaking up with me?”

“No, not necessarily. I just think that if you want to keep physical interaction low then we should keep the relationship low. That way we avoid any rumors.”

“Does this have anything to do with you being worried about your dad finding out about me?”

I hesitated for a split second but that gave him just enough time to jump right into his own conclusion. He stood up and ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Yeah, go get your scholarship and go to that college in washington. Go find someone who fits your mold-”

“Calum - no! No, please don’t take it like that!”

“Well that’s what you mean right? I mean come on, you’re dads never going to accept me, and you’re so caught up in the bullshit that people say about you that you’re too scared to let yourself be happy. So yeah, let’s distance ourselves.”

He backed away from me despite my efforts to pull him closer and it felt like my heart was breaking under the pressure of his cold stare. Hurt littered his eyes and I could see tears brimming on the edges of the dark orbs.

“Calum, no I just meant that for the time being, maybe it would be better if we didn’t spend so much time together.”

“There’s no one I would rather spend my time with, Thalia.” His voice broke off in his throat and it was my turn to let tears build behind my green eyes.

“I’m not saying we have to break up, Cal. We just shouldn’t always be on top of each other at school.”

Before I knew it he was standing by my window ready to disappear into the night, he looked back at me sadness overtaking his features before he shook his head and vanished.

“Please don’t go..” I whispered to myself, a piece of me hoping he heard me; but I stood in my room for several moments hoping he would come back but he never did. I know that I was being dramatic, in a sense, and I know that it could have been handled in a better way but words were never easy to come by when I was around him. Maybe it was my heart’s way of pushing him out before I could get hurt, but either way it was a mistake.

The next few days dragged by like sandpaper on an open wound. Tuesday was awkward to say the least, everytime I would try to talk to Calum he would shrug me off with one word answers or short nods. The other boys picked up on the tension and that rubbed off and when Wednesday rolled around the boys didn’t even bother trying to talk to me, but the day that hit the hardest was Thursday. I walked into the school and upon noticing the group I approached them. I wasn’t met with the normal smiles and group hugs; instead I was hit in the face with sympathetic smiles and disinterested faces.

When Luke snapped at me for trying to integrate my way into the conversation I almost couldn’t believe what he had said to me.

‘Aren’t you supposed to be distancing yourself?’ The words stung but knowing that it was likely that Calum had went and told them what I said stung more. I looked to Calum who had an angry expression plastered on his face, I silently begged him to talk to moe but he just turned away leaning onto his locker. I felt out of place in the small circle for the first time in three and a half years, so I walked away and promptly re-lived the first day of my freshman year.

Today is Friday, the last day of this horrible week before I can lay in my bed for two full days and listen to ‘The Fray’ at high volume. Today also marks the one year anniversary of my mother’s death..

I was dressed in sweatpants and a ‘Bring Me The Horizon’ hoodie, my hair was tied into a sloppy bun and instead of my regular contacts my black rimmed glasses were set carelessly on my nose.

‘How to save a life’ was playing through my earbuds and there was an unbelievable sense of sadness looming around me. The halls of the school looked bleeker today and my mind kept running back to the memory of my mom pulling me into the school with a bright smile covering her face. She was so excited about me getting to start new, when she walked me into the gym she turned to me and laughed.

“I can’t wait to see you get that diploma.” She had said. Little did I know she was never going to see me walk across that stage. She would never see me off to college, she would never see me get married.

Sadly, however, I had the dissatisfaction of seeing her casket lowered into the ground before I got to enter the second week of my junior year.

It felt as if everyone was staring at me as I made my way to my locker, some would turn and whisper while others had sympathetic looks on their faces. It’s obvious people have noticed the tension between the guys and I, we’ve never gone more than a day without talking; and it’s been three days. I bowed my head and clutched the strap of my bag trying my hardest to avoid the stares, but when a hand grabbed mine pulling me from my thoughts I had no choice but to look up.

I met Ashton’s eyes and me heart fell slightly, I had hoped to see Calum; but I should’ve known my destructive spontaneous words weren’t being forgotten that easily.

“I wanted to give you this.” He smiled to me holding out a perfectly packaged red velvet cupcake. I smiled weakly at him and took it out of his hands.

“Thanks.” I turned to walk away but was once again stopped by his hand.

“Luke didn’t mean what he said the other day, you know him and Cal are just close so when he came over that night and told us what you said it got him all riled up.”

“I deserved it, it’s fine.” I found myself unable to meet his eyes in fear that I might start crying in the middle of the hallway.

“I know today’s a rough day for you Tallie,” He reached up to push his light brown curls from his forehead “I was thinking maybe you could come with us for lunch-”

“Not today Ash.” My words caught in my throat when I looked up at him and saw the hope in his eyes turn to hurt “Just not today.”

I turned away and this time he let me walk away, I saw the other boys gathered around Michaels locker, and despite the fact that Calum met my eyes we didn’t speak to each other.

The classes of the day dragged by boringly, per usual. Without Calum to talk to there was nothing that seemed interesting. Throughout the day, my mind wandered to inside jokes that I would usually share with the guys, but with no one of interest to me I kept them to myself.

When Phycology rolled around I perked up a little bit, the teacher had turned out to be a rather hilarious comedian; and it was my last class of the day.

“Good afternoon class, I hope you’re all having a wonderful day.” Mr. Rogers beamed as he walked through the door. I could hear Arzaylea behind me making her normal snide comments, some of them were more out of pocket than usual. “Thalia, you’re looking awfully glum today, care to share your thoughts?”

Before I could even open my mouth Arzaylea’s voice spoke up.

“Calum and the guys dumped her.” She snickered, when I looked back at her she had a mock pout plastered on her face, my eyes flickered to Michael who only fidgeted in his seat. I didn’t even have the energy to clap back at her so I turned back around and shook my head before resting my forehead on my arms. Class carried on and my ears picked up on several things that Arzaylea was saying, if I thought Audrey did damage to my image I can’t even imagine what this walking bundle of gossip is going to be able to do.

“Is it true she has the clap, Mikey?” I heard her giggle

“Would you get a fucking life.” He groaned, making it a point to avoid the conversation.

After that I reached into my bag and pulled out my earbuds, I saw Mr. Rogers look to me but he didn’t say anything. I let the music flow through my ears for the remaining twenty minutes of class, and when the bell finally rang, I grabbed my bag quickly making my way out of the door. I didn’t get far though seeing as how Arzaylea jumped in front of me with a mischievous glint in her eyes. I pulled my earbuds out and stood my ground, annoyance finally bubbling over in my mind.

“This is pathetic really, sweetheart. I mean come on; you had to know they would drop you eventually-”

“They didn’t drop me.” I blurted suddenly pulling a laugh from her. I thought back to the day I confronted Audrey and for a split second I had to remind myself that hitting this girl wasn’t an option.

“Yeah, they did. And you’re all twisted up because your mom isn’t here. I mean come on what are you seven?”

“I would watch your fucking mouth-”

“What are you gonna do, Thalia? You gonna sick Calum on me? Maybe Ashton?” She lowered her eyes at me and for the first time since the conversation started I noticed how many people were watching, maybe it was an option to hit her. “Awe, are you gonna go call your mom?”

It was like something snapped in me and I shifted my books to my left arm and slapped the shit out of her. She pressed her hand to her cheek, rubbing it softly before she spit her next set of words at me. The ones that cut the deepest.

“Your moms lucky she killed herself before she had to see what a slut you were-”

I was on top of her then throwing punch after punch, tears were streaming down my face and I’m almost positive I was screaming at her.

However, all of that is a blur.

I felt two arms wrap around my waist, and when they spun me around to try to wrap me in a hug I saw Calulm staring down at me which only made me angrier. I pushed and pulled to get out of his grip but he held on.

“Thalia, you could lose your scholarship, calm down. Breathe.” He spoke in the most soothing voice he could muster. “You’re better than this.”

I stilled in his arms and looked up at him, anger overcoming all of my senses. I shoved him one last time breaking out of his arms.

“Don’t talk to me like you give a shit.” I spat grabbing my things from the floor and all but running to the front of the school. I finally got to my car, but my keys weren’t secured to the strap of my bag as usual so I had to scramble through my bag to find them.

“Thalia, damnit will you just talk to me!” He yelled, catching up to me in the parking lot.

“About what! I said we need to distance ourselves not stop talking completely! This is the hardest week I’ve had since she died and I needed you guys, but you took everything so wrong-” I furiously wiped tears from under my eyes and moved to unlock my car “Just leave me alone, Calum.”

“Princess I didn’t mean to hurt-”

“Would you just fuck off? You left so easy the other night, when I wanted you to stay so why the hell is it so hard now?” I turned abruptly to look at him and noticed him step back slightly.

“Because I love you.” He mumbled staring down at his hands. I looked up at him in awe turning my back on my car and swimming around my mind to find the words to respond. He shook his head and grabbed my hands trying his best to keep his distance. “Yeah, I took it the wrong way and I should have stayed to listen to you but my ego got in the way and-”

“And you turned the only other friends I had against me.”

“If it makes you feel any better Ashton right hooked the shit out of me last night.” He gestured to a bruise on the side of his face and out of instinct I reached for it and rubbed it softly with the pad of my thumb. “He told me I was acting like a ten year old, and he’s right. I shouldn’t have let you go through this alone.”

He was closer to me now, most likely taking my gesture as a go ahead to advance. His hand was resting gently on my jaw and his fingers were dancing around the baby hairs falling around the nape of my neck.

“We have to talk to each other Calum, we have to listen to each other or this won’t ever work. I got ahead of myself and I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”

“Do you have anything planned with your dad tonight?”

“He told me he was working overtime tonight, I guess it’s his way of coping with the situation.”

“Do you want to come with the guys and I tonight? We can try to keep your mind off of everything.”

I didn’t say yes on instinct like I would have usually because I was genuinely conflicted, I wanted to go hang out with them and it would probably be better for me to not be alone tonight; but if I was going to be met with the same attitude from the guys as the past few days then it just wasn’t something I could handle.

“I don’t know Calum, I don’t want to intrude-”

“You’re not intruding if you’re invited princess. Plus you’re never intruding with us.”

I looked down at my hands and twirled my keys around my fingers before I shook my head, and connected my watery eyes with his.

“If all it took was you being sad to turn Luke and Micheal against me then they were never really my friends to begin with. I cannot deal with any more of that stuff, not today of all days.”

“Luke didn’t mean what he said-”

“Okay for one, it doesn’t matter because Ashtons the only one who said anything friendly to me for the past few days, and for two, I really need to go because I’m in a hoodie and it’s hot as shit out here.” I opened my door and reached over my steering wheel to start the car “I’ll talk to you later, okay? I promise.”

He stood outside my car window as I buckled myself in, but before I could drive off I rolled my window down at gestured for him to lean in. I rested my palm on the side of his face and pulled him into a short kiss. When we pulled away from each other I smiled up at him.

“I love you too, Cal.” I rolled up my window and couldn’t help but laugh at the bewildered but happy look plastered on his face as I drove away.

For a second I wasn’t thinking about my mom, or about the other guys, or even about the fact that I just beat the shit out of the all mighty Arzaylea. My mind was stuck on Calum and the way he made me feel, it was here in my car en route to my house that I decided it was time to start living for me.

#calum hood au #calumhood #calum5sos #calum 5sos #5sos #5sosau #5 seconds of summer #luke hemmings #luke5sos #michael clifford #michael 5sos #ashton irwin #ashton 5sos #newbook #newstory #5sosimagines

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ficdirectory · 7 years

Text

The Crossing (Disuphere series #3) Chapter 8

Scene II: Topsy Turvey

The rest of Monday and all of Tuesday had been so busy, between meetings, work, talking to her parents and the arrival of her costume room table (at her door the minute she got back from work) that she hadn’t been able to spare a thought for Jesus.

She spends part of Tuesday afternoon erecting her costume room table (easy enough that it only took a few minutes.) When it’s all set, she proudly takes a pic and sends it to Family Chat for Dad mostly, to see that her table arrived safe.

He sends a thumbs up but not much else. Must still be at work.

It doesn’t take Dominique long to start getting lonely here. Now that she’s gotten successfully through her first day, do her parents have total confidence that she’s fine and doesn’t need them? Because it’s not like that at all.

She needs them. Loves them. Misses them. More than she ever thought she would. She was so set on moving out, she hadn’t thought of what a big change it would be. She gets out her costuming stuff to work on Hermione some more, but seeing the wand Mom made makes Dominique feel more alone than ever.

“Roberta?” Dominique calls. “Did Dudley eat you?”

From the living room, Dominique can hear the cat’s perturbed response at her insinuation. Dominique peeks around the doorframe into the living room. Roberta’s yellow eyes glow Halloween-creepy in the dark.

“What are you doing out here alone? Come in here with me.”

Roberta stays put on the giant green couch.

“Please?” she asks. “I’ll sing you a song…” she bribes.

Roberta considers this.

“When I think of home, I think of a place where there’s love overflowing. I wish I was home. I wish I was back there with the things I been knowing….”

Roberta’s up and walking toward her just like that. The Wiz. Works like a charm.

“Oh, and if you’re listening, God, please don’t make it hard for me to know if we should believe in the things that we see. Should we run away, or should we try and stay, or would it be better just to let things be?”

Back in the office in “Mom’s” chair, Dominique pats her lap and Roberta jumps into it, purring, to be cuddled. Dominique wraps a blanket around herself. Keeps singing:

“Living here, in this brand new world, might be a fantasy. But it taught me to love, so it’s real, real to me. And I’ve learned that we must look inside our hearts to find a world full of love. Like yours, like mine. Like home.”

Roberta nuzzles against Dominique’s hand.

“I miss them, too,” she says.

She goes to bed early, even though the next day is her day off. Lena will be here at 10 AM - their agreed upon time - to check in.

But that night she dreams of awful things. Pain. Digital clocks with red numbers marking the long minutes before it was over.

Dominique wakes up sweating. Swearing. Screaming. Even with her noise machine and the bathroom fan on, she’s worried that she might wake up Jesus or any of her other neighbors. (Someone lives below her. Someone else next door.)

She half expects someone to come knocking, but no one does.

Dominique gets on her phone. On Facebook, to see if her survivors group accepted her yet. They haven’t. But a Google search brings her to a message board with various topics listed. Dominique clicks ‘Nightmares’ and reads.

It doesn’t take long to realize that reading about other people’s horrors will do nothing to help her sleep.

She stays up late, watching a Harry Potter marathon on TV. The volume’s on low. It helps pass the time and the hours drag til daylight. Then, Dominique can legitimately shower. Dress. Be sort of presentable when Lena arrives.

Wednesday was lost in a blur of naps, and an irritable as hell mood. It doesn’t make sense to her at all. That night brings more nightmares. Until Thursday morning dawns, and she looks at her phone. Sees the date: August 27th.

Well, no wonder.

She walks to the elevator like a zombie, hoping for enough time to stop by Starbucks for a grande iced white mocha. She’d get a trenta, but she doesn’t have a death wish. Not even today. If nothing else, today means she lived.

The elevator doors slide open, and Jesus is inside with Dudley.

“Seriously?” she asks under her breath.

At the same time, Jesus reprimands Dudley, who smells Roberta all over her: “Dudley, seriously? No.”

“You have Lena, right? As your person?” he asks as the elevator takes them down.

“Why?” Dominique asks, suspicious.

Jesus shrugs. (It’s so like her version of Imaginary Jesus that Dominique shivers.) “Nothing. Just...my mom’s name is Lena, too.”

“And mine’s name is Jaimie. What’s your point?” she asks.

“She’s nice. That’s all,” Jesus says. “Hey. Are you okay?”

“Yes, I am okay. No, I haven’t always looked like this. Ten years ago today, I was in a car accident. Satisfied?” She rushes off the elevator, mortified.

Her saving grace is that working ‘til 4:30 means that she’ll have at least eight and a half hours to not think about Jesus, and how he left her hanging on Twitter, but now seems just as morbidly curious and rude as everybody else.

As much as Dominique had thought that a shift at the hospital would help her forget her trauma, it does the opposite. Just being there on this day is enough to have her tense and watchful the whole time. She hopes she doesn’t see Bev or any of the other nurses she knows. She doesn’t want anybody connecting the dots about what day it is.

Doesn’t want anybody trying to say the right thing and ending up putting their foot in their mouth wishing her a “happy anniversary” on a day that is so mixed, at best.

She survived, and that’s great, and she is happy for that, but this is also a day that represents a Before and an After all its own. A day when Dominique’s body was totally, irrevocably changed. Her arms, her neck, part of her face, her legs. All different now. All scarred. And not in a way she can hide, unless she decides to put serious work in, which she does. She wears long sleeves under her scrub top. Wears makeup and a wig each day. But she’s still beyond self-conscious that someone might see something - say something - about scars she can’t cover. By her ear, or on her hands.

It’s what made her react badly to Jesus this morning. His question about her well-being was often used by perfect strangers as an opening to ask more invasive questions. Dominique is used to that. Used to the violation that exists when people she doesn’t know ask her questions. She just can’t deal with any today.

She arrives home by 5 PM, exhausted and ready for bed. She unlocks the door and lets herself in. Her phone pings with a text:

Mom:

Dad wants to bring you a cake.

She texts back:

Can you tell him the anniversary is tomorrow?

Mom:

I can tell him you’ll feel more like cake tomorrow. Lemon?

Dominique:

The bundt cake? No frosting?

Mom:

You got it. You okay today?

Dominique:

Not really. Snapped at some guy in the elevator this AM.

Mom:

Giving you a hard time?

Dominique:

Not sure.

She’s still standing in the entryway, just inside her front door. It’s closed at her back, but she can definitely hear someone leave something outside for her.

Dominique watches the time - waits a full minute - before daring the stick her head out the door and investigate.

She sees what was left instantly and brings it inside. An unbelievably soft gray blanket, and a Tupperware container full of chocolate cookies with marshmallows in them. Belatedly, she spies the note, taped to the lid of the container:

Anniversary dates are hard. Hot chocolate cookies and a blanket always help me. Hope you feel better. Jesus and Dudley (306)

Dominique:

Just got more cookies than I could ever eat. You and Dad like hot chocolate ones?

Mom:

From who???

Dominique:

Elevator Guy and his dog.

She turns off her phone before she gets the third degree about Jesus and whether he is cute or not. Dominique’s not interested. Not romantically. Now she could use a friend - but definitely not one who would ignore her and then drop stuff off at her door without even knocking. Doesn’t even wanna give her something to her face.

Roberta’s walked over and is sniffing at the cookies in the container, investigating. They look like they smell amazing, but Dominique is seriously thinking about dropping everything back off outside his door without knocking.

She’s about to do just that, but when Dominique goes to pick up the container of cookies with the blanket folded on top, she finds Roberta there, on top of both like a queen.

“Oh, you think that’s yours now?”

Roberta purrs.

“We’re not keeping it…” she warns.

Roberta’s tail flicks back and forth. She’s so happy. Dominique hates her a little.

“Traitor,” she mutters and seriously thinks about tipping Roberta off her throne to have a cookie, but thinks better of it and sits on the couch, launching into the last verse of No Good Deed from Wicked.

“No good deed goes unpunished. All helpful urges should be circumvented. No good deed goes unpunished. Sure, I meant well, but look at what well-meant did…”

Dominique isn’t sure if she’s singing to Jesus, or to herself.

(It’s easier to be annoyed, easier to sing, than to admit that Jesus and his niceness is scaring the crap out of her.)

#fic: the crossing

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christineesovoloff · 7 years

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Jeff

So I’m sitting here trying to write about my Dad ... and it’s not going well. I’ve tried looking at every source of inspiration possible - my kids, other blogs, funny dad quotes ... and nothing. I’m finding it a little frustrating because it’s not like I don’t have lots to say about the guy. Trust me, I could talk about him for hours ... it’s just not flowing nicely into written word tonight. And it wasn’t yesterday or the day before that either.

I suppose it’s not something I should be stressing over, I mean if it’s not working, it’s not working, there are lots of other things I could write about ... but I kind of I feel like I owe him this. After all, I’ve written plenty about my mom, I’ve written lots about my kids, I think he would be a little insulted that I haven’t written about him too. That is if dead people feel insulted ... which I’m not sure they do.

I’ve just realized I may be causing some confusion. After all, I did just write a blog about my dad. However, that was my bio-dad. My sperm donor, if you will. THIS blog is about my ACTUAL dad. The guy that put in the real work. You know, the guy that wiped my tears, put up with my teenage sass, and all with zero appreciation or thanks. And to top it all off, he didn’t even really live long enough to fully enjoy me being a successful adult. Talk about a rip-off.

Anyway, I want to write about him because a) he was an incredibly inspirational part of my life. He is the reason I have road rage and love Bob Seger and yorkshire puddings. And b) because the 10 year anniversary of his death just passed and I feel like I need to commemorate that some way ...

For those of you who weren’t not lucky enough to know my Dad (Jeff), he was an avid hockey fan (Canucks), crossword master, lover of jokes (particularly ‘Little Johnny’ jokes), and the ultimate tough guy. He was the type of dad that always had his arms and ears open to my friends and he was an amazing cook. He didn’t have a huge menu of things that he made, but the things he did make - delicious!

Among his most popular dishes, were his cesar salad and his prime rib. He loved nothing more than cooking up a roast dinner (complete with fixings) and beaming with pride when every morsel went. There was never a scrap to spare because it was sooooo yummy ... and also because he never made enough. I think that this may be a British trait because he’s not the only Brit I know that makes just enough to fill you, but barely enough for seconds ... and certainly not enough for leftovers. I’ve never been able to understand it. Is it because they are frugal? Or perhaps because they like the self-esteem boost of watching everyone lick their plates clean? Not a roast dinner went by that good ol’ Jeff didn’t look around at everyone’s empty plates and longing eyes, chuckle with pride and say “Well, guess I could have made more, eh?”

“Yes, you could have made more! For the love of God, I’ve been saying that for 16 year! Make more! This stuff’s delicious!”

I miss that routine.

Another thing that I loved about Jeff is that despite the fact that he was ‘tough as nails’ (one of things I was most proud of as a child was that ‘my dad could definitely beat up your dad!’) ... but he was also a huge softy. He would often get tears in his eyes when he saw I was crying, he would always hug and ferociously defend my friends when they were upset, and he even got so worried when he found out I was (very unexpectedly) pregnant with my first child that he vomited (just a touch of the flu, he muttered). He cared so deeply about those in his circle, he was always willing to listen, and he was very forgiving ... unless, of course, you were driving on the same stretch of road as him at the same time.

I have yet to meet someone with more severe road rage in my entire life. It really didn’t matter what you did as another driver on the road ... you did it fucking wrong. And too slowly.

Truth be told, Jeff could actually be a HUGE grump. I say that with love. I think my friend Danny said it best when he got up to speak at his funeral and started his speech with “When I first met Jeff, I thought he was the most ornery, cantankerous, old so-and so I’d ever met!”

And it was true.

Most of my friends were a little scared when they first met him ... although that didn’t last long. It was the little things that bugged him ... Heaven forbid there be any noise (like breathing) while he was doing his crosswords in the morning, or watching his beloved hockey at night. God help you if you clinked a glass too loudly or ... drank any of his drink mix. You never knew what was going to set him off, but one thing you could count on was the reaction you would get ... a ‘tsk’, a dirty look, a dramatic sigh, and a ‘Jesus Christ!’ (not necessarily in that order).

The weird thing is, I swear I miss that stuff as much as I miss the rest. I miss the road rage (which, despite the fact that we are not biologically related, I seem to have inherited), I miss his crankiness. I miss the ‘tsks’ and I miss the colorful language (which I have also inherited).

I miss it all.

For those of you that never knew him and just hear my stories, you missed out. The stories just don’t do him justice. He was one of the kindest, funniest old farts you could ever meet. (He would really appreciate that I just called him an old fart).

He was one of my absolute favorite people. Still is.

So, Jeff .... thanks again for everything. Thanks for always being there. Thank you for making our home a safe place and for always making my friends feel welcome (except when they tried to get into your drink mix). Thanks for always being there for mom and for always making me laugh. Thanks for always trying to record the shark shows so I wouldn’t miss them and for buying me feta-stuffed peppers cause you knew how much I loved them. Thank you for introducing me to Willie Nelson, Bob Seger, The Righteous Brothers, and all the other good music.

Thank you for continuing to keep an eye on us (I am certain that you are). Please help guide my boys. I will continue to remember you every time I see Rottweilers, eat prime rib, hear a ‘little Johnny’ joke, or see an old redneck mutter ‘Jesus Christ!’ under his breathe ...

I know I probably didn’t say it enough while you were alive but I love you and you were always, and always will be, my true Dad.

Turns out, you were the only source of inspiration I needed.

#dad #stepdadrealdad #miss you #father #tenyears #love #family #commemorative #writing therapy

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awed-frog · 7 years

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I just want to say - this is what worked for me, and this is my personal experience, so it’s not a universal truth or anything like that, but since I’ve been accused, again, of inducing a panic attack in someone, I thought I’d share.

[suicide stuff under the cut]

So, the thing is, I’ve been luckier than most - I know that, and I am truly thankful for it. Nonetheless, I’ve still gone through episodes of abuse and depression and general life misery. The event that likely marked me the most occurred twelve years ago, almost to the day (the anniversary was last month), when a friend of mine committed suicide and I was forced to deal with the consequences. That included telling everyone (friends, relatives, our professors, his girlfriend), speaking with the police, and also accompanying his father to a funeral home to pick a casket and arrange trasportation and try to be there for him as he fell apart over his son’s dead body. For reasons I won’t go into now, despite the fact I was a kid myself, it was all on me. It was a horrendous few days which stretched into an awful summer and a difficult couple of years after that. I went through the usual stages - I was angry with my friend for a long time - but this post is not about that. What I meant to say is - I was in a bad place for months after his death. I couldn’t study, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t sleep. I could barely leave the house. It was hard being with people and it was hard being alone. I was lower than low, and most things would reduce me to a sobbing mess. And the reason I’m telling you guys this is because I think that, in a way, the turning point for me was going to the theater with my mom - she’d chosen a comedy, it was the first time I’d been out of my bedroom in weeks - and, I don’t know - things went okay for about twenty minutes before someone made a fleeting reference to a 19-year-old cousin who’d died in a car crash - and, since my friend had been 19 himself, I was immediately overcome with tears and had to run out of the theater. My mother followed me, and on the way home I think I insulted her and shouted at her for forcing me to go to the movie - and she just took it, without saying anything. The next morning, however, she told me that my behaviour had been out of line.

(“I understand that things are difficult right now, and you feel everything is about you and your pain, but unfortunately that’s not true. The world is not about you, and you can’t be angry at it for not conforming to your needs. I will help you in every way I can to get past this, but this is something you must acknowledge.”)

Man, it’s difficult to think back to that summer, and I’m not sure if this will be useful to anyone, but the thing is, my mom was right. I was so miserable and broken inside that I could be pushed over the edge by anything - one line in a comedy movie, a waitress mixing up my order, the wrong photograph in the paper, the colour blue (his eyes), foxes (he’d been in love with Le petit prince), a certain brand of tea, people crying, people laughing, people doing literally anything - and my grief had been made worse by the sheer fury I felt - by the fact the entire world could so unthinkingly push painful things under my nose day in, day out - could make me start to grieve all over again without even trying - but those words made me realize I was going about things the wrong way. It was unfair, maddening, and hard to accept, but - my mom was right. My mom was right. And so, as difficult as it was, from that day on, and for months, I did my best to stay away from everything I didn’t know (and, therefore, from things that could hurt me). I didn’t read any newspapers and didn’t watch the news (which was a huge sacrifice), I didn’t start any new novels or movies (ditto), I didn’t even see all that many people, and not anyone who didn’t know what was going on with me. In fact, I limited my world to things I knew and trusted wouldn’t set me off - old children’s books, a dozen of movies I knew by heart, some embroidering. And I waited. And waited. And waited some more. And eventually, slowly, painfully, I got better. I got over the paralizing sadness, the anger, the huge sense of injustice and missed potential and sheer unfairness that a 19-year-old boy would choose to die (would make me his fucking guardian angel, and way too late to save him).

Looking back, I realize that’s when I stopped writing fiction, and it’s only because of Supernatural, because of the fanfiction community, that I’ve been back at all, and for that, I am very, very grateful. Writing stories is a huge, crucial part of who I am, and I don’t know how I managed to even breathe during those ten years I didn’t write a word. And, to be completely honest, writing is mostly everything I am, but is also, inevitably, upsetting, because I tend to go as deep as I can in all sort of feelings, and I often touch on some flayed thing inside me that, I don’t know, maybe wasn’t meant to be touched.

(Or maybe it was.)

In any case - as I said, precisely because I know what writing these stories does to me, and I know what a profound experience reading can be, I always try to be there for my readers. But as a meta writer and a fic writer who sometimes deals with shitty things because, well, our show’s canon is incredibly shitty, beyond tagging the most problematic things and keeping both my inbox and my email open 24/7 for questions, spoilers, and hugs, there’s not much I can do. So, well, I do my best, and I do not appreciate being accused of ruining someone’s entire life when all I’m doing is writing a story and posting it on AO3 with the appropriate warnings.

So - please remember that it’s not my responsibility to protect you and look out for you, and, more importantly, that I am not capable of doing so. I’m not in your head - I don’t know your pain, your past, what is too much and what isn’t. I simply do not. As I said, I don’t go out of my way to upset people, and I always encourage readers to come and talk to me, even before reading my fics, if they’ve got any questions about the triggers I listed or the direction the story will move towards, but the thing is, if you’re so upset and affected by non-graphic fanfiction, by innocent discussions about a show’s characters (by the mere existence of a specific character, in fact) - by a whole series of things that are commonly found in the world around you - well, don’t take it out on me, because that’s not on me. Please, look after yourself instead of shouting at me. Take your time, build your walls, ask for support instead of policing my behaviour, and come back to a life of starting new fics and sailing the unpredictable waves of the internet when you know you can take it. I know it worked for me, and I truly hope it will work for you, too. Really - I wish you all the best. 🖤

#fanfiction #triggers #suicide for ts #depression for ts #panic attack #trigger warnings #spn fanfiction #spn fandom #mental health #personal

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spaceorphan18 · 8 years

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SO’S GLEE EPISODE RANKING: NO. 11

I started a Full Glee Episode Ranking between seasons 5 and 6 over two years ago now (!!!). My opinions have changed somewhat since then (retrospect is an interesting thing), and I need to include the thirteen season six episodes I neglected in my original list. With the two year anniversary of the show being over a few months away, I thought I’d count down to by posting an episode every day. I’ll tag using: glee episode rankings

Here we go…

11. The Quarterback (5x03)

Written by: Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk, Ian Brennan and Lea Michele Directed by: Brad Falchuk

Oh The Quarterback. This episode is getting my honorary 11th spot. Because my top ten are episodes that if I was stranded on a desert island for the rest of my life, those would be the ten episodes that I’d want with me. But -- if I were making an objective list of episodes based on production value, impact, cohesiveness, and message this episode would take one of the top spots. I don’t watch it very often (I don’t have an attachment to Finn or Cory the way others do), but when I do, I’m always blown away by what a powerful episode this is.

The thing is -- this episode is about grief, and how all of these different characters are dealing with their personal grief and reaction to Finn’s death. It’s very touching, and very moving, and I think the show did a great job paying respects to Finn and to Cory.

High Points:

Again, it’s hard to articulate high points with an episode like this, but I’m sure you guys know what I mean.

Kurt (Chris) really steps up into the leading man role in this episode, and is (more or less) throughout the rest of the series. His arc here is amazing to watch, as his grief is personal, but very much there, while meanwhile he becomes the pillar of strength for everyone else around him.

Romy Rosemont’s acting in this episode. Her heartbreak as a mom who’s lost her son is amazing, and perhaps the best performance on the show. The scene with Kurt, Burt, and Carole is my favorite in the episode.

Puck’s grief in this actually makes me feel for him. I’m glad he finds solace with Beiste, and him joining the army was the best way to send off the character. (I was surprised when he came back in season 6 -- as this episode wraps up his character in a nice way.)

Santana’s anger. Because this episode is amazing when it shows just how many ways people deal with grief.

The idea that the line between the dates is your life.

Rachel and Will’s scene at the end is very touching.

Controversial opinion of the day - these events sent the show off on a different trajectory, and, as tragic as Cory and Finn’s death was, and wish it hadn’t happened, I don’t necessarily think that a new story trajectory was the worst thing.

Low Points:

While I have some minor, minor issues from an artistic point of view (some of the understandably not-so-great acting (Mark), or the fact that Will keeps that jacket) the fact that this episode exists at all is the real low point.

Music:

Seasons of Love: They originally did this one for season 3′s Goodbye, and then scrapped it. Idk why. But I’m glad that it’s used here. It’s a fantastic use of the ensemble, and always makes me tear up a little.

I’ll Stand By You: Mercedes’s rendition of this one is just gorgeous.

Fire and Rain: Artie and Sam sing this one, and it’s meloncholy and sentimental in a way that works very well for the episode.

If I Die Young: While not my favorite Santana solo (I’m sorry!) it does a great job of capturing Santana’s emotion that she’s going through in the episode.

No Surrender: Puck’s solo - which sounds good and is perfect for the character.

Make You Feel My Love: One of the best solos that Rachel had on the show. Her best work is when there’s real emotion behind the singing.

Final Verdict: Not only is this a pitch perfect tribute to Cory Monteith, it’s a fantastic and heartwrenching look at grief and how it manifests differently in different people. On top of that, on a production level, it’s one of the best episodes the show ever produced.

#glee episode rankings

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khalilhumam · 4 years

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Remembering the heartbreaking words of Yugoslavia's war-struck ‘Lost Generation’

New Post has been published on http://khalilhumam.com/remembering-the-heartbreaking-words-of-yugoslavias-war-struck-lost-generation/

Remembering the heartbreaking words of Yugoslavia's war-struck ‘Lost Generation’

Histories written by warmongers tend to omit the war's human costs

Photo of Yugoslav People's Army conscript from Bosnia and Herzegovina Bahrudin Kaletović, screencap from Yutel video from 1991. Source: Wikipedia, Fair Use.

The interview is as haunting today as it was 29 years ago, perhaps even more so. A despondent, scrawny, dark-eyed 19-year-old dressed in army camouflages speaks to a journalist from Yutel, a short-lived Yugoslav newscaster known for its relatively impartial coverage, as he takes cover from enemy forces. Except he doesn't really know why they are his enemies.

They are, like, trying to secede, and we are, like, trying to stop them…You know the drill, bro, you've been in the army, you know how it is. You must do what you are told. No officers have died, only my friends…

Bahrudin Kaletović was a conscript in the Yugoslav People's Army (JNA). His frank interview, free of the jingoism that was pervading the various parts of Yugoslavia as it began to splinter in the early 1990s, made him a symbol of the “lost generation” that had the severe misfortune of being “fighting age” at that time. Kaletović's words were recently remembered in a Facebook post written by Bosnian journalist and philosophy professor Dragan Bursać marking the interview's anniversary. The June 28 post earned over 4,100 reactions, including 329 shares. “It seems to me that Bahrudin is more alive today than many of our contemporaries,” wrote Bursać, noting the distrust that continues to characterize citizens’ relationships with national leaderships in former Yugoslav republics three decades on.

Less said, the better

Mainstream media in the Balkan region tend to avoid revisiting the hows and whys of the wars that caused the breakup of Yugoslavia. The damage done to then-teenage conscripts, whose youth was sacrificed at the altar of nationalism rarely features in national conversations. This is possibly because many of the architects of those wars and their direct descendants are still powerful today. Kaletović fought on the Yugoslav side (JNA) in the “Ten-Day War” that finalized the process of Slovenian secession from the Yugoslav federation. It resulted in the killing of 44 JNA soldiers and 19 members of the Slovenian Territorial Defense (TO) and police, as well as 19 civilians. Nearly 5,000 JNA service-members were captured by the Slovenian forces, most of them conscripts who surrendered en masse because they did not want to fight. This pattern was repeated during the subsequent wars in Croatia and Bosnia and Herzegovina, when Macedonian conscripts, officers and cadets surrendered to local forces before making a high-risk journey home via routes patrolled by JNA and Serbian police, or else circumventing them via Hungary and other neighboring countries. Kaletović's interview was republished on YouTube by the Serbian fact-checking service Istinomer in 2011, as part of a report on the 20-year anniversary of the start of the war. That article describes the origins of the union-wide protest movement led by mothers of the stranded conscripts, including an incident when parents ‘occupied’ the Serbian Parliament for a day, and then traveled to Slovenia to continue the protests. While the young soldier's words remain an indelible part of the history of the Yugoslav wars, few people outside of modern-day Bosnia and Herzegovina knew what happened to him afterwards. As journalist Bursać disclosed in his post:

Bahrudin survived the war and all its traps, survived being taken as prisoner of war twice, he survived the front line, but 21 years ago he died in a traffic accident, on the road to his home in Tuzla. He was traveling to visit his family and his newly born son.

Below is a full transcript of the legendary interview. [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7G4tmYFjET8]

Reporter: Šta kaže, jeli znate sve podatke, protiv koga se borite i sve to? Kaletović: Ma otkud znam. Samo znam da pucaju na nas, ništa više. Reporter: Ne znate ko puca? Kaletović: Pucaju teritorijalci. Ko bi drugi? Reporter: A znate li zbog čega se vodi ovaj rat, ova bitka? Kaletović: Ma otkud znam… Kolko ja kužim, oni kao hoće da se odcijepljuju, mi im kao ne damo. U stvari mi samo hoćemo da se vratimo u kasarne, ništa više. Reporter: Šta Vi mislite, šta dalje? Kako dalje? Borite se, ili… Kaletović: Šta ima da mislim, samo živ da ostanem. Jebem ti sunce… Znaš, care, bio si u vojsci, znaš kako je. Šta ti kaže, radiš. A nijedan oficir nije poginuo, sve moji jarani poginuli…. Reporter: Kolko je tvojih drugova poginulo, znaš li danas? Kaletović: Danas trojica. Reporter: Nijedan oficir? Kaletović: Nijedan oficir… Reporter: …na vatrenom položaju? Kaletović: …ma šta ne zna gde mi je glava. Nemam pojma, gde se nalazim, koji je dan, kolko ima… Ja ništa ne znam. Ludnica živa. Nikad u životu, ja da pucam u nekog il neko u mene da puca. Gdje to može? To ne može nikako. Ja ne znam stvarno ovo, samo živ da ostanem molim Boga, ništa više. Samo živ da ostanem, majke mi. Reporter: Kolko imaš godina? Kaletović: Devetnaest… Reporter: Kako se zoveš? Kaletović: Bahrudin. Reporter: Koliko je poginulo vojnika? Kaletović: Četvorica svega dosad. Reporter: Ovdje, na ovom terenu? Kaletović: Ne ovdje trojica. Jutros trojica poginulo. Dvojica jutros, dvojica. Pa i onaj treći što je bio ranjen – umro. Pa umro! Pa da! Reporter: Kakvo je stanje u jedinici, kako je? Kaletović: Šta ja znam… Šta da Vam kažem. Svi molimo Boga da se ovo završi jednom da se vratimo svojim kućama. Ja ne znam … stara sad. Samo staroj da kažem da sam živ i zdrav, ako Bog da da ću se vratiti. Ništa više, eto. Samo to. Reporter: Želimo ti mnogo sreće. Kaletović: Hvala! Kažem apelujte preko svih medija, televizije, novina, radija, sve… Da se ovo smiri. Da nas povuku. Oni kažu da mi nećemo da se povučemo. Evo mi ginemo da se povučemo u kasarnu, da se vrate, da nas puste. Reporter: A gdje je Vaša kasarna? Kaletović: U Karlovcu.

Reporter: What can you say, do you have all the data, against whom you are fighting and all that? Kaletović: How should I know. I only know they are shooting at us, nothing more. Reporter: You don't know who's shooting? Kaletović: Territorial Defense members are shooting. Who else? Reporter: And do you know why this war, why this battle is taking place? Kaletović: How should I know… As far as I can tell, they are, like, trying to secede, and we are, like, trying to stop them. In fact the only thing we want is to return to our barracks, nothing more. Reporter: What do you think, what next? How next? You'd fight, or… Kaletović: I have nothing to think about but how to stay alive. Screw this… You know the drill, bro, you've been in the army, you know how it is. You must do what you are told. No officers have died, only my friends… Reporter: How many of your comrades have died today, do you know? Kaletović: Three today. Reporter: And no officers? Kaletović: No officers… Reporter: …in the line of fire? Kaletović: …how do I know, I don't know where my head is. I have no clue, I don't know where I am, what day it is, how many… I know nothing. Total madhouse. Never in my life [did I imagine] I would shoot at someone or that someone would shoot at me. How can this be? It's not right. I really don't know about all this, I just pray to God to stay alive, nothing more. Just to stay alive, I swear on my mothers’ life. Reporter: How old are you? Kaletović: Nineteen… Reporter: What is your name? Kaletović: Bahrudin. Reporter: How many soldiers died? Kaletović: Total of four so far. Reporter: Here, in this area? Kaletović: No, here three. This morning we had three deaths. Two were shot this morning, two. And then, the guy who was wounded, he also died. Yes, died! For sure! Reporter: What is the situation in your unit? Kaletović: I have no clue… What to tell you. We all just pray to God for this to be finally over so we can go back to our homes. I don't know… my mom. Just to tell my mom that I'm alive and well, and that God willing I will return. Nothing more. Just that. Reporter: We wish you the best of luck. Kaletović: Thanks! I tell you, appeal through all the media, TV, newspapers, radio, all of them… To calm this down. To withdraw us. They say we refuse to step down. Here we are dying to be withdrawn to our barrracks, to return us, to release us. Reporter: And where are your barracks? Kaletović: In Karlovac [Croatia].

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maryseward666 · 7 years

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METAL BLADE RECORDS CEO Says Metalcore Lifted Heavy Metal Scene 'Back Up Again' In Early 2000s

RARE BLACK METAL COLLECTIBLES

Josh Rundquist of That Drummer Guy recently conducted an interview with Metal Blade Records founder and CEO Brian Slagel. You can listen to the full chat below. A few excerpts follow (transcribed by BLABBERMOUTH.NET). On how his forthcoming "For The Sake Of Heaviness: The History Of Metal Blade Records" book came to fruition: Brian: "We were figuring out what to do for our 35th anniversary and people have been bugging me over the years to do a book. It felt like 'Well, this might be a fun thing to do for our 35th anniversary,' so I might as well start telling some of these stories before I start forgetting it, then we moved up with BMG, who is an amazing partner and it all worked out. We tried to get as much as we could in there and not make it too boring, hopefully." [Laughs] On the fact he was able to turn his passion for heavy metal into a full-time job as owner of Metal Blade: Brian: "I am just extremely lucky and honored to be able to work with so many great bands all over the years. I'm just a big fan and just being involved and whatever little help I could do to help out all of these bands is awesome." On whether he expected to have such a lasting career running a record company: Brian: "There was zero thought to anything back then. I wasn't thinking anything was going to happen. When I did the first record, I wasn't even intending on having a record label, I was just putting out a record to help the local metal scene. Then, once I got distribution deals to bring more stock, I thought 'This will be fun to do for a while.' But there were no grand plans to become a big label or a real label or really anything. I was doing it all by the seat of my pants, really just to help the scene. I was just trying to help the scene, help the metal scene get bigger. That was all what my intentions were. As time went on, the label grew and grew. Then, it became something a little bit different than what I thought it would end up being." On when he knew Metal Blade was starting to make an impact on the metal scene: Brian: "It was kinda tough. Back then, you didn't have the Internet and all of these sort of things way back then, so it was hard to judge what's going on. You're so focused on what I was doing. The first three years, I was doing it by myself next to my mom's garage in the back of our house. I wasn't really thinking about anything. When it got to the point where we had an office and an employee, I thought 'Oh, geez. This might actually be something.' And that was almost three years. That was probably the first time I thought 'Well, maybe this is getting a little more serious.'" On whether Metal Blade's gradual success changed the way in which he scouted and signed bands: Brian: "From day one and until now, really, it's just whatever I like. There's no formula. There's nothing I can't tell you what we're looking for. If I hear something and I like it, I want to work with it. That's been the philosophy for the entire 35 years of the company. It hasn't changed. It was that way in the early days. It just happened that whatever I liked, other people liked, too. That worked out okay." On navigating through the 1990s when metal's profile had diminished significantly in the eye of mainstream consumers: Brian: "Clearly, the mainstream, metal was out of the mainstream. But what I argue, the underground was very, very together. We had a good run through the '90s with CANNIBAL CORPSE, SIX FEET UNDER, GWAR, MERCYFUL FATE, KING DIAMOND, all of those bands were doing extremely well and sold an awful lot of records, but nobody really knew about it much because it was so underground. I think that's a big lost time-frame. I see kids all the time, for example, at KING DIAMOND shows, they're like 'Hey man, I went out and heard about that 'Voodoo' record the other day. I listened to it. Man, it's a really great record.' There's a lot of really good music in the '90s that doesn't get any sort of love that it should because people just think 'Metal was dead. It's over. People weren't doing anything good there except for maybe death metal and that was the extent of it.' There's an awful lot of stuff there that I would encourage people to go back and listen to, especially in the second-half of the '90s, which is the forgotten decade of metal. It almost did go away for a minute until it reinvented itself." On how he feels about the metal scene circa 2017: Brian: "I think, overall, it's pretty good. You still have bands like IRON MAIDEN and METALLICA headlining stadiums and arenas and all of these amazing festivals throughout Europe and in America now. We have all these great bands playing now. I think the state of it is pretty good, but there's a lot of really good new bands coming up. The only issue I have right now is that it's really difficult to break new artists. Really, in the last ten years, the only ones who have broken through is GHOST and that's it. We haven't seen anything else that's a 'new' band and make a big thing. It's very difficult because there's so many different mediums out there for people to discover. It's not like there's a 'Headbanger's Ball' or Myspace, or whatever it was that was driving music for those period of times. We don't have that one thing now. That makes it difficult. There's so much noise; there's so many different ways for people to listen to and consume music that it makes it harder for them to get new music. It also seems like the younger kids, they love the music, but they don't want to have their own 'scene.' My favorite bands are METALLICA or IRON MAIDEN or CANNIBAL CORPSE, or whatever it is, they don't look for those new things. That's my only concern right now is that's a bit of a trouble [spot]. If you go back in time, there's always a big shift change at the beginning of every decade. You had from the '70s to the '80s, that's when metal came back with the MAIDENs and METALLICAs and the scene we were involved with. Then in the '90s, the grunge thing came in and took over for heavy music and you saw what that did, then when metal was almost dead in the early 2000s, you had the whole metalcore thing lift the scene back up again. It will be interesting to see what comes from the end of this decade going into the next one what may or may not happen. I think there's a lot of awfully really good bands out there; maybe more than I've seen in a long time, so that makes me excited." Metal Blade Records and BMG will release "For The Sake Of Heaviness: The History Of Metal Blade Records" on August 29. The book was written by Slagel with Mark Eglinton, the book features a foreword by METALLICA's Lars Ulrich.

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