#Uni makes me hate studying
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on studyblr its easy to think that others are like. Really good at studying because they (like myself) have entire blogs dedicated to studying. And i just wanted to let yall know that even though i occassionally post tips i am terrible at following my own advise and i struggle *a lot* when it comes to studying. My study is one of the main factors that are ruining my mental health. I fail exams all the time and if not im able to make just the bare minimum. And im okay with that! Just wanted to remind ppl that studyblr is just a facade lol
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University ever pushes you so low you have to go buy a couple of beers? /srs/neg
I'm gonna vent in the tags for a moment humor me for once /gen
#No but I'm serious this place is a nightmare /neg#Venting in the tags#humor me for a second. you go to this uni and they promise you a place that will teach you how to become an artist#on both like. morality and skill level. they feed you with bullshit for MONTHS. “oh mistakes are fine! they make you grow!”#or “oh this is a community we work all together there are no discriminations this is a safe place to learn and improve”#and we like. work on this projects - THAT WE ARE NOT PAID TO WORK FOR SO *WE* GET TO PAY FOR ALL THE MATERIALS AND SHIT FOR THEM.#to like “help the community” or whatevrr because “artists are born to inspire others and bring joy” and blah blah blah. BUT. LIKE. THE THING#THE THING IS. NONE OF THESE PROJECTS WILL END UP ON OUR CURRICULUMS. WHAT WE WORK 6-7 YEARS FOR ARE NOT SEEN AS REAL EXPERIENCES.#AS IF WE'VE DONE LITERALLY NOTHING FOR 6-7 YEARS. AND LIKE. THE PROFESSORS ARE SO RACIST AND DISCRIMINATORY AS WELL.#If they don't like you they WON'T EVEN GIVE YOU THE EXAM. BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY TO DEMONSTRATE IF YOU WORKED OR NOT. IT'S UP TO THEM.#THEY DECIDE EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE AS IF WE ARE SOME SORT OF FUCKING COMMUNIST KINDA BULLSHIT WORKERS.#Someone fucks up? *WE* FUCK UP AND EVERYONE PAYS. Someone succeeds? *WE* SUCCEED AND EVERYONE GETS THE CREDITS.#THIS IS ALSO WHY NONE OF THE WORKS WE DO END UP IN OUT CURRICULUM BECAUSE ITS MADE SO THAT *THE UNIVERSITY COURSE* DID IT AND NOT *US*.#IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT AND I CAN'T EVEN GET OUT OF THERE BECAUSE IF I DO MY PARENTS WILL KICK ME OUT CUZ THEY DON'T WANT ME TO BE AN ARTIST#So I'm trying to STUDY for the exams and the “professors” are getting mad at me that I'm not staying 10 HOURS IN THAT MOTHERFUCKING ART LAB.#WORKING AT THEIR NONSENSE PROJECTS THAT WILL NOT END UP IN MY CURRICULUM.#“Oh if you're not willing to put all your efforts for the course this is not the place for you” BITCH I *AM* PUTTING ALL MY EFFORTS!#THIS EXAM IS *LITERALLY* PART OF THE COURSE!! WHAT KIND OF FUCKING BULLSHIT ARGUMENT IS THAT!!!!!#Istg I'm gonna cry I want to kms /NOT SERIOUS#I'm gonna cook dinner. chug my lemon beer. and try to study like a normal person and beg this shit will end soon#Don't worry I'm not going to become an alcoholic I just need something. anything and I'm ABSOLUTELY not gonna start smoking I hate it /srs#tw alchohol mention#alcohol mention#tw smoking mention#smoking mention#vent#tw vent#// mike speaks
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this semester is awful, i just want it to be over already. my mental health has been getting worse, i don’t even want to talk about my physical health, and i’ve generally been miserable. i’m behind everything in multiple classes. the thing is, my grades are definitely high enough to pass the semester (i just need a 10/20 for this), except i need way higher grades (≈16/20). the french school system is bullshit, so everyone knows the grades aren’t representative, and if i want to study abroad one day i basically need full scores in everything or i won’t be accepted. like, schools abroad consider a 12/20 to mean we’ve failed the class. my first semester’s grades were amazing but it’s all going downhill this semester and it’s so frustrating. i can’t even listen in class so ofc i can’t do these 10 pages essays for next week and i won’t be ready for the "you have 3 hours to tell me absolutely everything that happened in this time period and it needs to be at least 9 pages" final exams. also my disability accommodations are either useless or not respected ! i’m exhausted.
#i hate uni#i want to study abroad#but it’s all so expensive#looking at other classics courses abroad is making me cry#the classics program here is just so bad#why is your first year equivalent to 4 years here#vent#personal#venting here because people irl are tired of me having anxiety attacks about this#i’m gonna pass this semester but i’m not gonna Pass this semester so it’s all useless
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I think I've just accepted 2024 is gonna be kinda shit lmao
#he speaks#was meant to be going on a trip mid this year#and after having my parents be VERY against the idea cause of uni (even tho the trip is during the holidays)#ive decided not to go cause i cannot imagine adding anything else onto what i have to do this year or get through#it causes me so much anxiety just thinking about it#and even tho id probablg enjoy most of it while im there#id be exhausted by the end of it#and would have to go pretty much straight back to study/work stuff#but now my gf is really upset cause i was meant to come with her and her family#and meet her grandparents#and shes not mad at me or trying to pressure me#im just really really hating making her upset about this#but i dont know if id make it through the year knowing i have a whole ass trip planned#on top of uni/work stresses#which uni is already kinda shit#work is great but tiring#same with training#i just cant#shits hard#kinda a vent post#im so bad at dealing with people who are upset#especially with me
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i know i have been inactive but i fear yous do Not talk about dennis literally killing himself near enough
#dennis takes a mental health day THEY COULD NEVER MAKE ME HATE YOU BABYYYYY#literally written For Me . said this when the episode titles came out. they saw i got kicked out of uni for being too mentally ill and said#it’s okay dennis struggles with his mental health too :) i feel insane but They Know Me . confirming no bitch maureen is Dead . the doors..#all the macdenbreakup refernces ……. she’s so gorgeous ….. AND THENNNNN#THE FIC OF ALL TIME . the only only only one EVERRRR . my dearly beloved doc there’s a hole where something was by bidennisreynolds a#dennis reynolds character study to the tune of folie a deux by fall out boy. DELETED SCRAPED FROM THE INTERNET. the fic that apparently O#ONLY I READ. that when u look for it you just find ME looking for it too ……. we can do dennis reynolds introspectives too :)#we know u lov tends bar and see her for who she is not Just cause i know you man (but ofc understanding you CANT do dennis reynolds#character study without having heavy macdennis )#tends bar splitting into dens friends and family …… having mac see through all his walls ….#THE NORTH DAKOTA OF IT ALLLLLLLLLLL#we can’t have a real genuine actual conversation dennis feelings you SAWWWW what happened last time the man has only JUST emotionally#returned from north dakota !!!! he’s Working on being stationary !!!!! THIS IS HIM WORKING ON IT !#the way we saw dens relationship towards the gang his opinions on how they would help/understand him …….#HIS RELATUONSHIP WITH HIMSELF !!!!! literally created this other version of him to blame all the horrible things he hates about himself on#AND THEN KILLED THE BITCH !!!!#it’s so good so so so so so gooooood
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I'm taking my own actions here
#May have requested info material for sports journalism study...#there is legit like one singular uni that isn't private and incredibly overpriced#it's mostly online tho which is hmmmhm#but anyways#who even knows maybe I'll get to continue my bwl studium...#but do I even want that anymore? don't know... cause I really really hate the way my uni is treating all of this#haven't even told my mum yet and like I know my parents would both make fun of me so much
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i need to go to sleep right now but i've got zimon in the brain and i know i won't be able to sleep until i do something to get him out of the brain but i can't get up to draw right now and i sure as hell can't get up to write that would take me around 11 years so i'll just sit here and rotate him in my mind like a burnt chicken
#🧅#im remaking the apostle designs too. just. a lot of disciple disease lately.#if there was more aro representation in media i wouldn't cling to the two characters i hc as aro so i can actually do it in a non shitty wa#and I wouldn't be up thinking about them right now and i wouldn't go to sleep late and i'd be abke to study tomorrow and actually get into#uni and get a degree and find a job a d have a life. so if i get nowhere in life it's actually because society hates aromantic people.#man why did i give up on writing. if i could write right now i could just. write all thr concepts out of my head instead of keeping them#up there.#pfft. ''the two characters i hc as aro'' as if i don't cast aro spells on Everyone Ever.#whatever you get james and simon are my blorbos of choice atm#if i could at least get over my current wave if Aromantic Rage so i could actually make ship content and post some jesus/judas along with#all the aro people so people would care about them more :/#queerbaiting you guys so you consume content about Other type of queers#man. i hate when this happens it alienates me from fandom So much . cause like the second people start talking about ships im like 'cool'#*fades out like that giy doing the peace sign*#and i know its not my actual Opinion either i like these ships it's just. auugghfhfh.#not to mention everyone making amazing ship content and not even being able to check it out because i get irrationally pissed#sometimes i wish i weren't aro so bad#sometimes. then i remember it's awesome and aromanticism is god's masterpiece and i love it. but man.
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keep saying i don't want 2 work another retail xmas but canNOT 4 the life of me make myself finish my goddamn fucking job applications !!!!!! death & dying & despair etc. etc.
#i dont dislike the application process for gc jobs on principle BUT#it does not mesh well w/ my difficulties re: starting & finishing tasks#but like i understand why u cant just send in a resume n hit done#NOT that there are many IT listings up atm...... and ill apply 4 clerical/admin stuff too#but an IT-1 STARTS a good $10k a year higher than a CR-5 soooooo :///#which is whatever its fine money isnt everything!! ill gladly make less if it means not hating my job!!!#but i also wanna. u know. LIVE. move out of my parents house. buy brand name snacks occasionally. maybe -gasp- go on a vacation#(not 2 say i dont make an attempt at travel now but thats with very finite savings that are def only going down not up)#also extremely frustrating 2 me the emphasis put on having a degree that completely locks me out of certain job categories#like. yes. there are for sure some where having the bg knowledge is important eg. an AU (auditor/accountant) or MA (methodologist)#and there are certain skills a degree (in theory) provides eg critical thinking research etc.#but not all of us have $40k+ to get tge fancy piece of paper saying we have those things. and u can have those skills w/o a degree#and smth like an EC which needs a degree in economics sociology or statistics is so arbitrary#and maybe not necessarily actually based in the majority of work done by the majority of positions in that category#ANYWAYS not me being bitter abt education standards YET AGAIN lol#idek if i could go to uni even if i could afford it. even tho i have 2 college diplomas id probably have 2 redo my grade 12 english 😶🌫️#also if money were no object id probably go for like. film studies or smth lol not sociology#tho. ngl. if i had the willpower and determination 4 smth so rigorous (i 100% dont) accounting does seem. interesting asdffhkkfdghh#ANYWAYS pt. 2 all this 2 say this is why i instead spent $10k+ on the only possible 2 yr diploma#that can still get u in2 the higher paying public service jobs. even tho ive discovered i Dont Particularly Care for programming. :(#thats an understatement actually i was actively in hell for like 80% of that program and the remaining 20% mostly wasnt coding
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Hey are you alright?
haha no
#it’s complicated#well#not really#it’s a combination of 2 things#academic stress and body image issues#the former is mainly caused bc of a uni admissions test that I’m studying for which is not going well#and some of the problems that I can’t do will be in my school final exams#which are super important#and just generally the last year of school is super stressful#and i am losing all my joy for learning and doing math#and I think I’m stupid bc I keep making super dumb mistakes#and I’m scared I’ll fail uni math since I’m so bad at this math#also I have built my entire identity upon being smart and being good at math and now being bad it makes me feel worthless#the body image issues actually are kinda complicated bc I’ve been struggling with eating properly since 4th grade#and have cycled through many reasons for these issues#atm it’s mostly a mix of hating how I look and not feeling like my health is worth the time/effort/money it takes to make and eat food#and also I kinda crave the attention that not eating gets me from my friends#bc if I see that they worry abt me it means that they care#I know it’s silly#I know all of this is silly#also i feel like a terrible friend for a variety of reasobs#on the bright side I haven’t had suicidal impulses for pretty much exactly one month#so that’s good ig#anyways in summary I hate my body and my mind#i am in a constant state of guilt for eating/not doing work#and feel totally overwhelmed and useless and like a failure#sorry this was so long and entirely in the tags
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Shit, the temptation of doing whumpuary and throwing in some rarepairs for good measure is strong.
Hmmmm...
Maybe I shou- *gets sniped*
#“Kiki focus on your fucking studies” challenge#easier said than done#listen: I genuinely love what I study#I just hate the education system as a whole#it's unfair#often makes no sense#not to mention the amount of time wasted on classes that give me nothing#like english or *gags* philosophy of culture#the latter wouldn't be so bad if I actually had a better teacher#(and if the classes weren't at 8 fucking AM)#(I have to get up before 5 to be on time. BEFORE FIVE)#(AND THE TEACHER DOESN'T ACCEPT ABSENCES)#(LIKE AT ALL)#(you're sick? doesn't matter you're still fucked)#(I'm 99.9% sure it's against some rules but well)#(it's not like anyone at the uni gives a shit)#Hakanate once said
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i'll say it again. every SWANA girlie should be entitled to one free patricide per lifetime no charges no jail time no nothing
#devastating news today.#i learned that 1- my dad wanted to start a bet on me dropping out of uni before the end of the year.#he was serious too. thankfully my mom told him to shut the fuck up :)that's exactly what i need while struggling with my studies thanks dad#2- he's now spreading lies about me to my mom to make me look bad#he told her i lie when i say I'm going to sleep and instead i keep the lights on and stay up all night#and that he sees me frolicking around playing and having fun while claiming to be asleep#my mom called him out on being a shitty liar because when i can't sleep i still keep the lights off because i fucking hate the lights#and also she comes to check up on me at night and sees that i am asleep so she told him he's a liar#and now 3- he's claiming my whole mental health lapse thing was me faking depression to get away with having poor grades#which is funny because he took me to the psych hospital himself and told our entire extended family that I've gone crazy.#funny how he changes his story all the fucking time!#and his proof? he 'sees me chatting with people and laughing all the time so i can't be that depressed'#what people you fucking dickhead. do you know how debilitating lonely i am. do you have any idea how much it kills me.#and when my mom tried to stand up for me and say that i don't talk to people#his reasoning was that i'm being secretive about it because i must be talking to boys 😐😐😐😐#i truly dont understand him. like my guy YOU put me in a girls school and follow me outside everyday to make sure i take the girls' train.#like what boys have i conjured out of thin fucking air. literally what the FUCK are you on about.#also now he's using that as an excuse to 'keep an eye on me' and look in my stuff and follow me around#i know he opens my phone because that absolute idiot accidentally took a photo of himself with it#and i know he follows me this isn't news to me. i just. idk. i thought we were on better terms these days????#like i truly thought we were being friendly and cool with each other lately???#then he explodes out on nowhere with this stuff and goes on and on about how much of his money is wasted on me!!!!!#i'm just so sad all the time and i'm truly trying to hold on and not end everything and i dont need him to do this to me right now#i'm so so sad and tired! really i don't see an end to this!#one day i'll walk into the ocean and have him fish my corpse out of the water
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09.02.23
the deadline to sign up for a master's degree is the 28th of february and i only started looking into it just now. and my god, i want to die already.
already the titles of these programs make me wanna kms. "master in the political economics of capitalism"??? "comodity trading"?? "master in social change"??? what does this all mean?????
plus all of them require B2 english level which i don't have. and i looked it up and the exam costs 400 bucks! and it's only a couple of times a year so like there's no way i'll be able to get it before the 28th. and it's stupid bc i speak english better than any other language but i have nothing to prove it. the only proof i have is maybe the fact that i did the igcses..? but i was like what 14. i don't think that counts.
so yeah, i feel like studying maths was a bad choice. like what do i do now? every master program requires something extra, i can't just go from maths to something else right away. and do i want to do a masters in maths? no thanks!
and you know who put the idea of studying maths in my head in the first place? my ex! like it's ridiculous! why on earth did i choose to study maths all of a sudden? who gave me the idea???
urghhhh i hate this!!!!!!!!!
#i know this is immature but like i wish i didn't have to go to uni#and yeah it's not like i HAVE to#but i have to#you know what i mean#i hate studying so much and i hate going to uni#it makes me feel really bad#i just really really don't like it#ive never wanted to do a master's degree#and i still don't#but like what's the alternative?#february
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finished drawing anime girl now what
#wish i can get the benefits of being a uni student without homework#like i'll sit long hours i'll do any work just please dont assign me anything to take home#i will literally bite my arm off and that will cause me less distress than the mountain of class notes i have to catch up with#*class notes and like painting studies. i love painting studies i hate doing them in my own free time please make me do it in class aaaaaaa#girl. come on#p
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#i think my family is struggling w money and ugh i hate not veing avle to do stuff abt it#like yeah im looking for a job rn but it'll only be for like. 3 months max bc i dont want to work while studying#and ik they probably wont accept it lol#being*#and i hate it!!! i hate it sooo much bc i wish i could do stuff#and idk it makes me not want to try and take the translation masters after my final year bc ik it also costs money and idk if its also#covered by what i currently have to study in uni#and i know this is partially bc they have to pay for my mom's dad stuff. i resent that man soooo fucking bad#and he makes me resent my uncle bc he doesnt put one single peso like he just lives his life while my mom has to pay for him#i hope i get a job to have savings at least#jo.txt
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i just wanna go back to toronto you guys i just wanna go back to the way things were
#i want my friends back#i wanna go back to uni#i want my old jobs back#sure it was hard sometimes to balance everything#but i had so many friends i spent my entire degree with within walking distance#i was respected and valued at work#i was studying things im truly passionate about#i was in a place where i wasnt afraid of being stabbed#the premier was a dick but at least he didnt do the shit danielle smith does#im having a bad night#i wish this depressive episode would end#it started when i had to move back here and nothing has alleviated it#and everyone keeps telling me to just get used to hating my job#as if thatll make anything better#all my friends are gone and im in a job i hate and this city is so hostile to human life#its affordable but was it worth it if its bringing bad ideations back#i wanna go back to toronto#or at least out east#i cant fucking take the prairies any goddamn longer#vent post
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"Although people do not necessarily think before they speak - for which there is a lot of evidence all around you - they are able to do so in principle." Is definitely one of the funniest sentences i found in any textbook I've read so far
#the rest isn't so nice#i hate that author but his books are one of the mandatory readings for intro to sociologistics at our uni#it was okay until we reached the 'language and gender' part a#and he sound like someone who would make stupid jokes about pronouns and gender neutral language use#some of the sentences made me cringe#like eww#why do i have to read this and how am i supposed to take it seriously if he says things like this (not gonna quote but ew)#but that quote was funny. also applicable to him i guess. although he probably thought hard about what to write. and that's even worse#ok back to studying#shut up amy
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