#Which is why I may come across as emotionally distant. If I get too close it'll hurt so much more when they eventually get sick of me

[insightstaff]

Absolutely fucked up that allowing myself to be seen and to be loved, even if I can't love myself right now, is actually a good choice

[lilyginnyblackv2]

Buddy Daddies E8 - Sub vs. Dub Comparison:

I did this for Episode 7 as well. I want to start with the most interesting difference in the Episode 8 dub vs sub, then I’ll go into some other changes that are still intriguing in their changes, but not quite to the same level.

Okay, so, first up: Satoru’s Last Words

Sub: I’m on my way. Dub: My love, I’ll see you soon.

Of course, hearing anyone’s last words is an incredibly special (as in, like sacred) and intimate thing. But, “My love, I’ll see you soon,” is extra intimate. And since Satoru and Rei are being paralleled in a way, with Kazuki and Miri paralleling his significant other...oof.

Let’s move over to some more amusing lines. Like this one from the dub taken out of context: Oh, yeah!? That’s interesting, because I don’t seem to recall hearing any complaints at the time! 

Context: Kazuki to Rei after Rei told him that kinda sucked as a hitman when they first started working together.

Okay, now let’s go back to the start of the episode and work through this in a more linear way. 

Miss Anna’s Song:

In the sub, we get “Close your hands! Open your hands!” though, technically it should be “Open, shut them! Open, shut them!” (or “Close them, open them!”) since that is the song she is singing here:

(Video of the Japanese Song: むすんでひらいて - Musundehiraite)

But the English dub chose Jack and Jill, likely to make it sound more diabolical: “Jack fell down! And broke his crown!” lol

Shigeki (Rei’s Father) : 

A lot of the dub lines hold more assertiveness and sound more emotionally manipulative than the sub lines. The dub lines also tend to come off more distant/cold sounding than the sub lines (though, those are plenty cold too, the dub lines are just icy!)

Some examples:

Sub: The time may have come. Dub: I think it’s time.

The sub is in passive voice, while the dub is in active voice, so more assertive and certain in tone.

Sub: Return to this home. Dub: I want you to move back here.

The sub uses the word “home,” the dub does not. And while both are commands, the dub is centering Shigeki’s wants, while the sub is more of a general command. Going back to the use of the word home, when I worked as an ESL teacher and was preparing my students for the Eiken exams (English placement exams), one of the things I would focus on where the small, nuanced differences between English words. Since that could make or break student’s understanding of long texts or in the multiple choice vocabulary section. 

House vs. Home is a good example of this. House is the place where we physically live, while our home is the place where we not only live, but where we have people waiting for us that love and care for us. 

In Japanese, Shigeki uses 家 (ie) which means “house, residence, dwelling,” but can also mean “family, household.” It holds a colder mean in this way than 家族 (kazoku) does, which also means “family,” but more in a way similar to the difference between “house” and “home.” The dub really captures the colder, commanding aspect of Shigeki demanding Rei return to the here, not to his home but to the residence and household he left. 

We see similar coldness with the dub deciding to say: “carry on that name” instead of “carry on your family” like the sub went with. In this case though, I can understand why they went with both options, since “family” ties in with the family aspect, while “name” in this sense also denotes “family,” it just sounds colder and more distant.

The emotional manipulation of Shigeki comes across more intensely and clearer in the dub. The two examples of this are:

Sub: You belong here with us. Dub: Of course not, because the place where you belong is here with us.

The sub feels more like a general statement, while the dub line involves denying any thoughts of Rei actually leaving and reaffirming that the place he belongs is with the Organization. Not anywhere else.

Sub: You’d better not betray my expectations. Dub: You know how I feel about betrayal, don’t you, Rei?

The sub does still convey the underlining threat aspect that is present in the dub line too. But the dub line as an emotional aspect to it (”how I feel about”) that highlights more of how Shigeki has emotionally controlled Rei over the years, since the wording (and tone of how it was stated in the dub) makes it feel like this is a underhanded threat that Shigeki has made to Rei before.

After all, the dub also translated the bit when Kazuki is telling Miri about why Rei left his “home” with the Organization.

Sub: I guess rebelling against his dad was part of the reason he left home. Dub: I think that’s a big part of why he left home. He finally had enough of his father controlling his life, and decided to take a stand.

Subs always have to be a bit more concise in how they word things because of word limits and the like, so that is a factor here as well. But the dub really gets across the point that Rei was being emotionally controlled and manipulated by his father, something we see in the conversation taking place at the same time Kazuki is explaining this in slightly kinder words to Miri. The sub makes it sound more like teen rebellion or something similar to that. Of course, we can tell from the visuals (like the state Rei was in at the time Kazuki first met him) that it was far more than just that.

We know that Rei’s father has had Rei view him as his “Boss” since he was a child. But, interestingly, Shigeki is still able to read Rei fairly well. In the sub, Shigeki was able to pick up on Rei’s dislike at the thought of returning back to the Organization and taking over, stating: “You don’t like that?” The dub changes that line to “We had a deal, right?” Which kinda fits back into that emotional manipulation aspect that the dub really went into with Shigeki. 

However, the dub does show this more perceptive side of Shigeki, in regards to reading Rei in this bit:

Sub: It seems you’ve formed pointless ties. Dub: And yet, it seems there’s something holding you back.

The dub definitely alludes to reading Rei’s character and what he isn’t saying, and adding a bit more of an emotional aspect to the “ties” Rei has made (Kazuki and Miri).

Shigeki’s threats come off with a little more bit and weight to them in the dub as well, with him stating: “Over the years I’ve learned ow to deal with bad influences,” and “If that’s what needs to be done here, I can certainly---”

That last line was the one he says that causes Rei to cut him off and tell him that Kazuki has nothing to do with this.

This post is already long (and gets longer, lol), so I’ll put the rest under a Read More. Under the Read More, I talk about Ryo, Miri, Kazuki, and Rei’s lines.

Ryo

Now let’s take a look at some of Ryo’s lines and dialogues here. I feel the dub lines makes his thoughts come across a bit better (as in clearer and more natural, not like, in a good way) than in the sub. That’s what a good dub translation should do, since the focus is on making the dialogue sound more like natural, spoken language.

So, first we have Ryo calling Satoru the target in the dub, instead of that man like he does in the sub and Japanese That definitely comes off as a bit colder, makes it clearer how he doesn’t really view humans as humans.

The dub also makes him like 100x creepier when he asks Rei why he kills. In the sub he asks Rei, “For fun?” But in the dub he asks, “For pleasure?” in a really goosebumps inducing way. Also, pleasure always has this added sexual connotation and nuance to it that fun doesn't, and the way the line was delivered, i definitely think that was what they were aiming us to get the implication of with that line.

Other dub lines that just clarify his mindset are things like him saying “Out of curiosity” instead of “For the concept,” when explaining his reason. He goes on further to say, “What’s not so clear to me, is why people exist.” And then he finishes with “Such intriguing questions” instead of “I speculate on the answers.” The dub still gives him that edgelord aspect that the sub does as well, but the way he explains it feels more natural and conversational.

Of course, there is something to be said about how the dub lines feel more human, while the sub makes Ryo sound far less human in his conceptualizations. Either way, looking closely at Shigeki and Ryo’s conversations really does show how the two are very similar in how they view their job and the business from a less human perspective. Shigeki from a more contractual POV and Ryo from a more conceptual POV. 

Kazuki, Miri, and Rei:

I’m going to devote this last section to Kazuki, Miri, and Rei’s lines. 

Miri:

With Miri, the dub makes it extremely clear that she learned the phrase, “Men are a mystery” from her mother. The dub also added in a line with Kazuki asking her if she learned it from TV lol.

They also have Miri’s English VA say her last line (outside of the Birthday Song) as she is walking away from the table and towards the couch to sleep within a yawn. So you can’t really make out what she says (unlike in the Japanese and subs). It helps to show just how exhausted Miri is.

Kazuki:

Kazuki is also pretty savage to Rei in the dub, lol. A lot of the lines are very similar to their sub counterparts, but there are slight differences that make them a bit more sassy, imo. Like the word order as well, which I’ll explain a bit more in a second. Some examples:

- Listen, just be back by dinner. Are you able to handle that much?

- He’s not really sad that’s just what his face looks like.

- ‘Back by dinner,’ I believe I said.

- Hey, you! What in the hell dumbass?!

- Rei: Look, you don’t understand --- Kazuki: You’re right! I don’t! Now get in!

- Look, asshole, Miri was upset... (The sub started with “Miri was upset” and ended with “you forced my hand, asshole.” I think changing the order makes Kazuki’s line a bit more savage in the dub though.)

Rei:

Instead of having Rei say that Kazuki is “overprotective,” the dub goes with “Always going too far.” Both lines are true to Kazuki’s character, though the “going too far” one is interesting, especially in regards to anything that might happen in these remaining episodes (11 - 13).

Rei tells Kazuki in the dub that “I didn’t really see a point in saying anything” instead of “I didn’t think saying it would change anything,” in regards to Kazuki’s lack of hitmen skills (in the more gunmanship way, I would imagine). This is one change where I think the sub line works better, since it continues the theme of “change” that’s brought up here (first with Satoru, then here with Rei, and then again at the end of the car ride scene, where Rei asks Kazuki if he thinks they can change. That line is left largely the same in the dub though).

Finally, I just really love how the dub worded the part where Rei talks about Kazuki cleaning his apartment:

But, then one day, I looked up, and noticed you were cleaning the place.

I don’t know, it makes it almost seem like Rei suddenly “woke up,” and I feel this wording by the dub really captures what Ayase mentioned the title of the OP is about - the SHOCK of someone coming into your life and changing it. That feel of being like shocked awake by love and care, that sort of feeling.

[haik-choo]

I don't write cause I feel I don't have a good grasp on the characters personalities etc, the characterisation of akaashi post is so helpful! 👀👀 Would you do kuroo or bokuto?

a/n: I hope you like both of these! again, if yall want me to do others, let me know! these are across the span of their life, so some may seem college-related and some may seem young-adulty! 

[MISCHARACTERIZATIONS OF BOKUTO AND KUROO]

bokuto kotaro.

clueless: i’ve stated this in akaashi’s post, but bokuto is extremely emotionally intelligent. he can pick up on the slightest changes in people’s demeanor or posture, he can tell if someone is sad or happy even if they aren’t good at displaying emotions. he’s not a dumbass -- and he can pick up on others’ limits and boundaries very quickly. despite his ability to read people relatively well, he has no qualms about pushing people out of their comfort zones and forcing them to do things they might hate at first, but will love later. he pushes boundaries according to your comfort level, and respects your hard limits. 

only positive: a lot of people write bokuto to be someone ho’s only happy-go-lucky, or someone who rarely gets sad (aside from his moods that are less sad and more discouraged), but I think that almost dehumanizes him. he gets back up faster than most, yes, and at the end of a lost game where everyone is crying, bokuto is dry-eyed. he’s the type to get home and plop down on his bed, face-first into his pillow, lips quivering and eyes lightly watering. there are times where he feels insecure, especially when he’s younger, just because he can tell he’s different from the rest. he has a feeling that people are put-off from his personality, he has a feeling that he’s not as (traditionally/academically) smart as everyone else, he has a feeling that some people find him annoying. that’s why when he’s near his close friends he’s very loose -- he doesn’t feel the need to hold back even a little because he knows that they love him for him. this translates to his toxic trait with his lover being that he feels dejected/insecure if you ever want space. while he can read boundaries, he would really benefit from a lover who has just as few as he, because then he can be his truest self.

love-at-first-sight: he’s not the type to fall in love at one glance, he’s just not. yes, he might get interested or you may catch his attention, but he’s not going to fall in love with someone because they have a pretty smile. it’s not that he’s calculated or over-thinks his emotions, he knows exactly what he feels, it’s just that his heart is a little slow when it comes to falling in love. he’s such an energetic all-over-the-place person that love is never really on his mind (he gets into some trouble with accidentally leading girls on because he’s so friendly). when he eventually falls in love, though....oh boy. he stutters, he’s over-thinking all his movements when it comes to you -- he’s usually impulsive but with you he really, really doesn’t want to screw up. he wants everything to go smoothly -- so he’s the type to plan out a confession and actually try to stick to it. when it comes to something like love, bokuto is surprisingly slow and careful, because he knows how fragile a heart is. 

never gets angry: i think most people like to imagine his anger is so rare because the image of an angry bokuto is scary, especially with his stature. and while it’s true his anger is uncommon (because he’s good at processing his own emotions and not lashing out at others), when he does get angry it can be pretty unnerving. he’s the type to slam his fist on the counter unknowingly when having a really bad fight with his lover, and he has a booming voice. he’d never hit someone, but he doesn’t realize how intimidating his physique is. anger is uncommon, but that doesn’t mean he’s not scary. he always apologize afterwards, though.

boundless confidence: i touched on it earlier, that he has bouts of insecurity, but again, i really want to emphasize that he’s not endlessly confident. honestly, maybe in the anime and manga he seems that way, but if you want to make him more human, have more life than a fictional character, you have to create limits or certain traits. bokuto is very sensitive, and the slightest thing can either inflate his ego or deflate it. plays in volleyball constantly not working may dig at his confidence, but he always re-inflates. in real life, outside the court, there are things that keep his confidence low everytime they happen. fights with his lover are one of these things; he’ll get jealous when they leave the apartment after a fight because he’ll worry about you finding someone more stable than him. jealousy alone is a solid sign of chipped confidence, something that someone as sensitive as bokuto gets every once in a while. 

overall, bokuto is a lot more intelligent than what people give him credit for. he’s honest with his own emotions and can read people very well, which is probably why he’s such a people person, but he still has flaws. he does not have boundless confidence or have no perception of boundaries; he’s unbelievably understanding. he may be initially insecure, have intimidating anger, etc. but ,after all, he’s human, isn’t he? 

kuroo tetsuro. 

sex god: don’t get me wrong, I definitely believe that he’s had a lover or two, especially in college, and that he’s played the field a little bit. but i don’t see him as the guy that has had sex with every person in his major. he’s a genuine guy and can’t have sex with someone he’s not emotionally invested in -- despite not being a ‘player’, he’s totally gotten in trouble with a few people because they think he’s leading them on when he walks with them to class everyday. 

intimidating: people always characterize him as this mysterious, sexually intimidating guy, but i just can’t see him as someone intimidating. if anything, he may be a little unapproachable because he has a really tight knit group of friends that he’s always with, but he’s not scary. he’s not the center of attention but he’s not a wallflower either, he enjoys observing people and watching drama play out, but he’s not silent and glaring all the time. he’s quite fun, he’s loud, and he enjoys embarrassing his friends in public. he’s the type to twerk in public and laugh his ass off when akaashi or kenma give him the side-eye and bro-kuto joins in. he likes to have fun, ya know? i don’t know about you, but a guy that twerks in public isn’t very scary, to me at least. 

prideful: I understand why people paint him as a prideful guy, he obviously likes what he does and has a personable personality, but honestly, he’s not perfect. he often has moments where he doubts himself because of his past decisions, his career one of them. kuroo is an amazing middle blocker, and his choice to go into sports advertisement rather than an actual volleyball league no doubt haunts him at night sometimes. he thinks of the ‘what-ifs’, and he dreams of what he could be. especially since his best friend is bokuto, a professional player, it’s often on his mind. it’s a super touchy subject for him, and if someone were to question his job-choice i have no doubt that he’d get really sour and distant from that person because he’s not sure of himself either. 

frat boy: he’s not someone who can’t cook, he’s not someone who sleeps at 5am everyday, hungover. he’s not the type of person to be immature in any way -- he’s got his shit together. i’m sure most people can actually see this, but kuroo is very responsible and realistic (which is part of the reason he didn’t do professional volleyball). he does his taxes, does his homework, gives out good advice, gets up early and eats everything that a healthy person should eat (in all the right proportions, too). he doesn’t even drink often, if anything he’s just a social drinker. he goes to bed at 10pm and wakes up at 6am to work out, no joke. he’s gotta keep that physique somehow. 

decisive: i know i said he’s responsible, but i don’t think that translates to decisive. i can see him having a lot of conflicting things going on in his life, different wants and different paths that he wants to take but can’t keep all open. it happens in love, his career, his college major, etc. he wants a lot in life, he wants success, happiness, a good love-life, everything. when he had to choose between volleyball and a life-long, stable career, he was broken for weeks. was he good enough for his dream? was it wise to chase his dream? would it be better to get more kids into volleyball, do what he did, what he couldn’t do? in his love life he always hesitates, too: does he see a life with them? how long will they love him? will they be able to deal with him once they see that he’s not perfect? is it worth it? it doesn’t matter if he’s in love or not, because his extreme caution can come off as very distant and unwilling to let you in, hence his toxic trait. he’s indecisive, scared, yet passionate and hard-working. 

overall, kuroo is full of contradiction. he wants a lot from life and is willing to work for it. he has dreams and tries to stay healthy and put himself out there, have fun, the whole shabang -- but he’s not perfect. he’s overly cautious when it comes to making important decisions simply because he can see a future with all of the different paths he can take. but honestly, isn’t everyone a little contradictory? 

[tobeornottotc]

The Problems with HIStory4; Close To You Ep 1-4 (Observation and Comments)

The verdict is out!  I actually enjoy History4, as much as there's problematic elements to it, and it does feel a bit like a regression; the acting is great, the chemistry is perfect, and it's not as bad as the trailer made it seem. Like yes, we have a very invasive annoying fujoshi trope, but the characters are written in a way that it makes sense that they fall into this.

The Fujoshi Harassing Invasive Fake Dating Trope:

Cheng is so childish and so up in the clouds, and from a typical sexist, ignorant flawed man perspective, it's like he's always never taken anything seriously because he doesn't see any need to. Also, because he doesn't take anything seriously, he's ignorant and very self-focused and takes things too far; it's his character flaw. The only person who keeps in line is Moren. Who is someone who takes a lot of things seriously but also kind of ignores or avoids feelings and what that entails.

Moren is very gentle and sweet with his friends whilst on the surface, he seems cold and distant, but he tends to be very comfortable and have fun, like the childish part of him is brought out by Cheng. They compliment each other so well. There's something about the way they like each other so unconditionally despite being so opposite to each other, they do care a lot, and they have a very ignorant homophobic mindset because of how they've been raised in society, so they don't know a lot about queerness and what it means, so that's interesting to see them learn their feelings and grow from that.

I like their domestic vibes and how they are when they're just together alone; it's not entirely romantic or in your face that there are feelings; it's very soft, and very based and focused on the depth of friendship that they've developed, and I think that's so cute and adorable to see. The only thing I don't like about their storyline is the fujoshi trope; she's not always there; she's hidden but her presence always reminds me of why this trope is so problematic because she should be called out for her invasiveness. She should be taught about why what she's doing is not okay; maybe she does, later on, do so but I can't tell how serious this writer wants to be with this show. She may have genuinely just wanted a typical old BL style novel like show in the past that we used to read that doesn't address problematic stuff.

The show is very light and funny with these twos story so she may not want it to be so serious, which is why I'm trying to be careful when analysing the show. My thing is the fujoshi thing needs to be addressed because her actions aren't okay more than Cheng and Moren. The trailer for the show is wildly exaggerated and made me dread watching the show. Still, although Cheng is sometimes quite touchy and can fall into that line of harassment, it's been called out by Moren in episode 1, and everything in the trailer that seemed problematic with harassment for them isn't like it is.  It's just them joking around and being Moren and Cheng. Moren may feel weirded out by some situations, but it's not against his consent, is what I'm trying to say. Cheng is not meant to be a perfect character; his flaw is his childishness, and how he doesn't take things seriously, so he comes across as rude, invasive, loud etc. But for them, there's nothing so far that is as bad as what the trailer suggested it would be. Maybe, later on, I'd change my mind.

The Stalker Obsessesive Step Brother Trope:

For Jie and Xingsi. It's different. It's the same issues with stories about obsession, possession and trauma tropes. People will not like Jie because the reason why he does what he does, is because his character outline is based on a mental disorder (that isn't even diagnosed, but it's clear he's on a  sociopathic spectrum), he's emotionally shut off, so he doesn't have any feelings, doesn't know when he's gone too far or when he is doing something to others that are seen as problematic. All he focuses on is his feelings for XingSi because he's the only person who makes him care.

Not goanna lie, their storyline has toxic elements, and it is weird that the show wants to humanise his actions and make him seem pitiful. For me, he is pitiful, and I do understand why he acts the way he does, but I think others would have an issue with him. I think it's hard to accept the storyline because it is romanticising toxicity and dependency, but I kinda after being freaked out by him; I've come to kind of understand why they write his character the way they did for him and Xingsi. The theme of these two's story is conforming to societal pressures vs being free and accepting your self. So they kind of help each other with the other's problem/issue.

You can decide if you want to see that as romantic or if you are so turned off by Jie's insensitive actions. For me, this is a typical toxic storyline that makes sense to me why they'll be together. For example, when looking at Jie; Obviously, he's been nurtured into developing parts of being sociopathic to deal with the pain of his childhood. It's not an excuse to let him get away with his actions; I'm just saying I understand his character outline. He doesn't trust people; he doesn't let anyone in. So he's automatically someone with sociopathic tendencies, very possessive, can be aggressive if he isn't sure he trusts what's happening, alienates himself and doesn't care for how others view him. But he's someone who kind of helps Xingsi deal with his own secrets; Xingsi is someone determined to be responsible/right in society; hence he hides himself and his actual wants and needs to please people.

So Jie, with his own twisted ways, is always a catalyst to helping Xingsi find out what he wants and for Xingsi to come to terms with being brave and showing who he really is to people. In a way, Jie, because he's so emotionally uncaring about what others think of him, is the antithesis to Xingsi; he is freer because he's not hiding who he is or conforming to what others think is right/wrong he only cares about his own freedom/happiness. So he provides that way and escape for Xingsi to be himself and stop pretending or acting to please people and society. That's what the writers are trying to achieve with them. Jie is then also taught about feelings and emotions because of having Si as someone he does care for automatically and does want to change for and be gentle to whilst Si learns to accept himself /stop conforming to societal pressures.

They follow typical old BL novels in the past; they have problematic issues and toxic stuff around them to discuss, and they're very flawed; they are written to help each other deal with their flaws/issue by falling for each other. Is it right to romanticize that storyline? Maybe or maybe not, we need to do better stories for BL; that's something we know, it's not okay to always have toxic or problematic storylines, but if you know me, I also enjoy the past BL tropes as well. I like toxic storylines because they have so much interesting character dynamics that are wild to explore and analyse. They usually are very angsty and dramatic, and they have a good plot. That's something I never try to hide away from, I don't agree with when people say you shouldn't write toxic storylines or add problematic characters, but that's an argument for another day etc., I just want it to be called out when its a toxic thing/problematic trope like give consequences and show them learning why its wrong, or have them go through a character development.  

It's not going to make me judge the show so badly or stop watching it when I actually enjoy the friendship, characters and lighthearted, funny vibes the show brings every Sunday. Like it makes me smile and laugh when I'm watching Cheng and Moren, and it makes me think when I watch Xingsi and Jie. So yeh I enjoy the show and I'm not ashamed to say it.

[ginkgomoon]

Shaw's Birth Chart- An Astrological Study

Late second birthday gift to Shaw. I haven't done any heavy analyses/studies in a while but I felt happy that I also completed some good solid Shaw content! Please enjoy. *Cries because it's finally done and before June is over.*

What is Astrology?

Astrology is the study of stars- the placements and movements of different celestial bodies to correlate what’s happening on Earth. It comes from the early Latin word astrologia.

There’s a rule that we live by-

As above so below

This means whatever happens within our solar system will ultimately affect us here on Earth. For example, the moon governs our emotions, and since our body is approximately 70% water, why wouldn’t the moon affect us too? But it’s not just us, it's the moon’s gravitational pull on the oceans, in the same sense, it’s also the moodiness you may feel during full moons!

There’s many aspects to Astrology, and that would normally be too much for a single post so I’ll be elaborating on the major contributions to one’s birth chart. This will include the planets and the signs.

There’s the inner planets, consisting of the Sun, Moon, Mercury, Mars and Venus, moving quickly within the chart. Then there’s the outer planets, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Uranus and Pluto, the slower moving planets. And of course, the different signs of the zodiac with different personalities. They follow the order beginning with Aries, then Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and finally Pisces.

Shaw's Placements

Sun ☉ The Sun represents our character, personal identity and ego. Your star sign is also known as your Sun sign. It is the “you”. The “Self”. It shows your creative force, confidence, focus and our will to live. It’s the driving force of our charts in many ways, like how it is centred in our solar system. It’s the part of us that is the “adult”, censoring the “inner child”, and overall provides information on our vitality, and what we came to do.

Shaw's Sun is in Gemini ♊︎ The air sign of Gemini is famous for their self-expression and communication. Geminis are witty, clever and flexible people. They can easily gain social contacts just as they can easily adapt in various situations and communicate through intellectual conversations. Geminis love to collect and share all sorts of information and are rather seen to be “geniuses”.

Although, they can be easily bored if they’re not getting enough mental stimulation. Geminis with their abilities to detach themselves make them excellent observers, but this can make them very difficult to be close to and be intimate with. People note them to be confusing and hard to understand, but this is because their mind is always active and switching from one topic to another (as they are represented by “the Twins”). Geminis enjoy seeing the “lighter” side of life, making them more fun and pleasing to be around. It’s guaranteed that there is never a dull moment when you’re with a Gemini!

Shaw holds a good representation as a Gemini. He always has a witty remark to say to MC, has a way with words, is shown by how he reacts to “fight or flight” situations, and stresses the usage of his favourite word, “bored”. Shaw, by having this placement of the Sun in Gemini also gives much strength to his Mercury (the planet of communication) which is also in Gemini (more on this later).

Shaw: “What do people usually do during dates?”

MC: “Uh, it’s usually eating, shopping and watching movies.”

Shaw: “That’s too boring, isn’t it? Since it’s a date with you, I’d like to get your feedback. What would you like to do?”

MC: “Nothing else.”

Shaw: “Then, what do you want to do?”

He thought for a couple of seconds and raised his eyebrows slowly, with a hint of glimmer of dark light in his eyes.

“You'll agree to anything that I do…?” -One Day Date

MC: “Why did you suddenly take an interest in reading?”

Shaw: “For the final exam.”

Despite his concentration, he flipped the pages with incredible speed- it seemed as if he didn't like what he read. -Summer Night Birthday Date

Shaw values all forms of communication and self-expression, whether it would be through music, writing, and teaching others about ancient relics. Additionally, it appears that he enjoys a range of hobbies, such as playing the bass, skateboarding and spray-painting, due to his interest in the wide variety of passions he developed. MC notices this on one of her earliest dates with him.

MC: “Hey, you seem to have a wide range of hobbies.” -One Day Date

Moon ☾ The Moon in our charts shows what your home is like, your upbringing, the relationship between your mother, the unconscious, your instincts and what you need. It tells us a lot about a person’s emotions, how they deal with it and how they express it to others.

Shaw's Moon is in Capricorn ♑︎ Productivity, work, and feeling useful and respected are the basic need for Lunar Caps. They like to keep their emotions in check, as they want to maintain being the cool-headed, practical and steady person of any group and in any project. Moon in Capricorn suggests that they have clear boundaries and realistic kinds of goals, looking for reassurance and security in what they do. They value and respect tradition and all things tangible and real. Moon Caps look forward to working towards their distant future goals, planning one step at a time. When feeling moody, their emotions will emphasise the pressure they had already put on themselves. Additionally, this is why letting their guard down to be comforted and to be reminded that they are not alone is very beneficial. Capricorns are unwilling to stand down, especially when it comes to emotionally “letting go”, hiding their sensitivity under a sarcastic manner. Wherever Capricorn is found in the chart, there is a desire for control, structure, and organisation. Emotions are well dealt with and handled in an efficient and practical manner.

There is a certain mysteriousness and sadness behind Shaw that can be subtly detected and yet to further explore deeply. This might have come from past trauma, possibly related to family relations. He has realistic expectations and justifications for his emotions, and when it comes to his goals, he will utilise these to help him slowly achieve them. Shaw is slowly letting his guard around MC, and gradually allowing him to love.

MC: “How can you draw so well?” I murmured quietly, envying his skills which require much talent.

Shaw: “Is it good? In a few months, it will fade into obscure and worthless trash."

He glanced at the wall with an undisguised contempt, as if it was not his own work that he was judging.

“It’s a failure.” He shook a spray can and started spraying it on the wall.

MC: “Wait! Why are you doing this?”

Shaw did not avert his eyes, and stood with his arms folded, refusing to give in.

Shaw: “But it's flawed now.” -One-Day Date

After a few seconds of silence, he frowned and put everything in his arms back on the table except for a can of coke. “Don’t act like you know me so well.” -Exciting Moments Date

Perhaps it was because I didn't believe that Shaw would appear so calm or so still, or because I wanted to explore why he looked so focused, I also looked at him in silence.

Shaw: “You really like to immerse yourself in your past.”

MC: “Find strength through the memories, then grow and become stronger.” I suddenly recalled a line from a TV series, and read it out.

A flicker of doubt flashed through his eyes, and eventually condensed into a dismissive look.

Shaw: “Who told you that we can only become stronger with memories?”

MC: “Why are you so dismissive?”

Speaking of which, what made Shaw so strong if it’s not finding strength from his “memory” or “past”?

Shaw: Why are you telling me this? Reminiscing every day means you’re getting old.”

-

Rain started to shower from the gloomy sky. I looked up, and found that the dark clouds were only above this small area of filming location. It was actually very sunny over at the antique market.

Fortunately, the rain was not heavy, and was even getting lighter as he predicted. He pulled at his hair, shaking off the scattering beads of rain. Such serenity did not match my impression of him, yet it was unexpectedly harmonious and natural.

MC: “Are you the rain god? Why does it always rain when I'm out with you?”

Shaw: “It’s because I can control the weather.”

At this point, the rain, which had stopped just a short while, suddenly fell again, but more densely. The smirk on his face was not gone yet. The rain seemed to be getting heavier. I felt more saddened as he spoke, yet Shaw just laughed. -Seeking Date

As a Capricorn Moon, his value and respect for tradition, and in all things tangible is very much obvious, and is highlighted with his display of knowledge about historic relics in Loveland’s museum shown in various dates, being the only student in the Department of Archeology of in Loveland University, as well in this scene from Season 2 that I couldn’t bear to leave out.

Mercury ☿ Mercury is the communication planet. When you write, speak, absorb information and how rational we are, you’re using your Mercury. It refines our Sun sign and helps define how we take in and give out information. It also talks about short distance travelling, governing your thirst for knowledge, your wit and negotiating skills. If someone is an excellent talker, it’s thanks to their Mercury placements.

Shaw's Mercury in Gemini ♊︎ Since Mercury is already ruled by Gemini, which makes it a favourable placement for quick-witted communication. Gemini Mercury placements may come across as being scattered and restless, but this is because of their different interests, seemingly knowing a little bit about everything. They easily gain knowledge where all sorts of facts and figures are up their alley, however generally have too many interests to deeply delve all into one. They can thrive in a stimulating environment as they are fast adapters who effortlessly learn and multitask at lightning speed.

This overlaps with Shaw’s Gemini Sun Placement. He may confuse MC sometimes with his personality and wit, but it’s nice to see MC adapt to it as well, because they have a lot to learn and grow from each other. He encourages MC to live life more boldly, while she teaches him to take things slower and be more aware of how his emotions and thoughts should work in harmony under special circumstances.

“He has no problem with the noise from rehearsals, and yet he can't stop criticising me for being noisy. He gets easily bored by things and yet he never gets tired on aimless strolls. Moreover, he always disagrees with me…” -Exciting Moment Date

MC: “Are you doing something illegal?”

Shaw: “What do you think?” Shaw looked at me playfully, and I could not help taking a step back vigilantly.

MC: “I'm a good law-abiding citizen and I won't be your accomplice!”

Shaw: “That's not up to you.”

-

MC: “Oh no! What should we do, what if we get caught!”

Shaw: “Nothing. Having a date at the police station should be a good experience.” -One-Day Date

Additionally, those reoccurring moments when he says that he had changed his mind also stems from the “twinning” aspect of Gemini in his thought process.

Shaw: “Give the cake and forks to me.”

MC: “Didn’t you say you didn’t want it?”

Shaw: “I changed my mind.” -Exciting Moments Date

Venus ♀︎ The planet Venus is ultimately the planet of love, beauty, wealth, our material things and what we do with all that sort of jazz. It’s the pleasures, our sentiments, what we do for leisure and what we value. Grace, charm, creativity, and entertainment are ruled by Venus. We can use this planet to see how we approach relationships of the heart, investigate our ability to attract and the attraction to others (or things).

Shaw's Venus is in Cancer ♋︎ These kinds of people are quite sensitive and insecure when it comes to love, with egos perhaps said to be a little bit undeveloped but have so much love, comfort, security, and care to offer. These aspects are emphasised for Cancers, who pay more attention to your feelings rather than said words. All they want is a safe, solid and secure relationship. They can be moody when it comes to love, though they are not afraid of emotional confrontations and to put their emotions on display when feeling it’s safe.

But once they are hurt, they will have a hard time forgiving. Pleasing them will involve a lot of sentimentality, as recognising their influences and attachments are from the family and home. When fearful of being rejected, they can resort to some frustrating tactics to find out how loved they are. Venus Cancers will want to be cared for, and in return their partner will be rewarded with a loving, dependable and patient lover.

Shaw puts up a front with his teasing and seemingly lack of interest to attend events with MC, though we can tell that he’s a very thoughtful and intuitive lover. Once he has allowed himself to internally address his feelings, he will use straightforward methods in how he communicates it to MC, again, strengthened by his Gemini placements. Additionally, Cancers will cling onto something or someone that is of value to them, because it evokes memories and emotions. In the same sense, if there is someone that Shaw has his eye on, he will inch closer to them, and will be unwilling to give them up once he has them.

I tried to reach out and pull him down while watching out for him, but he just took me by surprise and grabbed my hand instead. I quickly pressed down my skirt with the other hand. Probably realising something, his amber eyes widened slightly, then let go of me, with a low “tsk”. -Seeking Date

Shaw: “Why can’t you let that go?”

MC: Because I'm sick of you treating me like this. One time, you waited for me to get to the Live House to tell me that there was a change in venue, and there was also this one time when you- achoo!”

I pulled my jacket tighter around myself. Suddenly there was a rustle above my head and I found myself covered in a warm coat. Shaw stood up without a word as if he didn't hear me. Clad in a white shirt, he looked at once familiar and strange from behind.

Then I noticed his hand in the pocket. I was expecting him to conjure something for me like he did last time with the Dragonfly Eye. Before I could react, Shaw suddenly grabbed me by hand. With no gloves on, he tightly wrapped his slender fingers around my palm. I felt an unexpectedly soft and warm sensation.

MC: “Let go of me!”

Shaw: “No, I don’t want to.”

-

Shaw: “You've been asking questions about me all day. Do you really want to get to know me? Bring your ear closer. I can tell you all about myself.”

-Exciting Moments Date

His hand flew past my face and landed on the back of my head. With a slight jerk, he pulled me toward him. Our foreheads were then pressed together, and I felt the warmth of his forehead resting on mine, my breath on my skin, his unintentional touch, and his body pressed against mine. -Summer Night Birthday Date

“Do you like me? Yes or no?” -Unanswered Phone Call

Mars ♂︎ Mars is the go-getter planet. Full of fire and passion, nothing would be done without it. It can give insights on how we can chase our goals and what our desires and our plans of attack are. Aggressive behaviour, lust and anger fall under this planet.

Shaw's Mars is in Libra ♎︎ Mars Libras often reflect about the things they do before they act, needing to weigh out all the decisions first. They also can get easily caught up in defending themselves and others, as well as charming others to win others’ favour if needed. They wish to not be disturbed in their life or how they “operate”, going about with the desire to balance everything, with almost having a seemingly passive-aggressive approach to situations. Mars Libras know when to compromise and manage conflict, as well as predicting problems and discord well in advance. Libras will question themselves on how they can make the playing field more fair, intervening when necessary and when things aren’t. Shaw demonstrates this during his bus stop intervention when he first meets MC, on his dates with her, as well as his confrontation with Gavin.

“Don’t hesitate if you have already thought it through.”

-

MC: “What’s the matter?”

Shaw shrugged, lifted the corner of his lip, and looked at me, saying this firmly word by word.

Shaw: “Don’t forget that this is our punishment. Be a good loser.” -One-Day Date

“What are you laughing at? Stop it.” he reached out his hand, trying to mess up my hair. I quickly dodged backward and started laughing harder.

“Hey.”

A stunned look flashed Shaw’s eyes. Before he finished his sentence, I slipped and fell heavily backwards. He looked at me before a hint of schadenfreude appeared in his eyes. Then he said in a raised tone, “that's what you get for laughing too hard.”

He then sat down with me. I turned to him in confusion.

MC: “Why did you sit down when you’re supposed to help me up?”

Shaw: “Because I wanted to.” -Exciting Moments Date

Brutal gales whipped up gravel and rocked trees. A bolt of lightning split the sly, illuminating the two people locked in a standoff.

Gavin’s face was completely devoid of its former calm, and in its place was wrath. The man opposite Gavin squinted his eyes ever so slightly. He went wild with laughter, and an arrogant expression swept back over his face.

Shaw: “Well, we’re finally starting to get serious. It’s about time.”

Gavin: “I warned you! She’s off-limits.”

Shaw: “Are you threatening me?”

Gavin: “You aren’t worthy.”

The man lifted his eyebrow and slowed his speech purposefully.

Shaw: “Anyway, my objective has been reached. I don’t mind toying with you. But I don't know how long this girl you’re obsessed with has long to live...”

The two fought with increasing ferocity. The man was slowly losing ground. Then, the sky roared, and a white flame connected heaven and earth. The man was gone without a trace. -Chapter 11-24

Jupiter ♃ Jupiter is the largest planet, a gas giant, known to expand as the “benefactor” of our solar system. Everything it touches is basically blessed. It’s the good luck, confidence, joy, freedom and adventure that it gives to one’s being that it’s so well known for. Jupiter is where you seize your opportunities, take a leap of faith and count your blessings.

Shaw’s Jupiter is in Aquarius ♒︎ Shaw attracts the most good fortune when he’s tolerant and fair, cooperative and inventive, being different from society’s norms and standards. He values technology, people and personal freedom the most, desiring to display his unique skills and talents. He is open to new methods and eccentric ways to progress. We see this as he’s willing to share his knowledge with others, shown in the CN Creative Date and Summer Solstice Date, and when Shaw offers a hand to help MC by making her alias “Mary Sue” to help her successfully break into STF in later chapters. He also shows her the electricity firework he makes with his Evol, which fascinates MC enough for her to reach out and touch it.

I looked at Shaw's on the other side of the wall. The flaunting design was imposing, as if it was about to jump out at me the next second. Then I looked at my grinning rabbit, which seemed to be the clumsy work of a child.

-

In the gold and purple pattern, “SHAW” could be faintly recognised while a grinning rabbit stood at the top of the world. They actually seemed… quite in harmony? -One-Day Date

MC: “Is that the same MP4 player you had on the bus?”

Shaw: “Yes, someone gifted it to me a long time ago.” Emboldened by his straightforwardness, I couldn't help but move slower. -Exciting Moments Date

Floating on his palm was a sizzling firework giving off dazzling sparks. I was stunned by the sight. I couldn’t believe that Evol could do that. I reached out to touch it, but Shaw stopped me.

“Are you out of your mind? It’s charged with electricity.” -Summer Night Birthday Date

Saturn ♄ Saturn is the planet of karma, restrictions, life lessons, hard facts and the challenges in life. It governs structure, our fears, work and self-discipline. Saturn is cold and calculating, however once the challenges and lessons Saturn have been mastered, great wisdom with great rewards can be obtained.

Shaw's Saturn is in Aries ♈︎ Aries Saturns are highly resourceful coming up with fresh ideas for our goals. They don’t like showing weakness and need to be careful when limiting themselves due to fear of failure or making a poor decision. They’re very self- reliant because they rarely ask for help. They need to be shown that not “being first” is okay.

It’s proven that Shaw has a competitive side to him, seen in the CN Summer Solstice Date and his Rumours and Secrets, where Shaw refuses to give up and ends up doing dolphin flips on his skateboard in a match against a senior and wins after his first loss. In Accompanying Date, he acknowledges his embarrassing moments when he got caught skipping class, then reflects on them. We also see this as he flees his battle with Gavin when he almost loses.

Shaw: "I just remember winning. Don’t people at ten years old want to get swept away, win against everyone, and leave them far behind?" -CN Summer Solstice Date

Shaw: "The fence of the school was disagreed with by the elementary students. Back then, my skills weren’t refined yet. I got discovered by a teacher when I fell from it." While reminiscing, Shaw pouts unhappily. -CN Accompanying Date

The two fought with increasing ferocity. The man was slowly losing ground. Then, the sky roared, and a white flame connected heaven and earth. The man was gone without a trace. -Chapter 11-24

Uranus ♅ Wherever Uranus is in the chart, it’s where we want to break free, where we want to do things our own way, when you don’t care what everyone else is doing or thinking about. It’s where we express our ideals on freedom, innovation and experience great epiphanies. We strive for independence with the influence of the Uranus character. As a result, we learn to rebel, break traditions and authority. It shakes things up from our past and into the modern future. It is often associated with unpredictability, chaos and anarchy.

Shaw's Uranus is in Aquarius ♒︎ These people are interested in innovating, changing and updating traditions related to technology, community and individuality. They see freedom through or in these areas, and are ready to rebel if needed. Aquarius Uranus people are open to new ideas and free thought.

Shaw is no stranger to the concept of rebellion. He sneaks into places he shouldn’t be in, spray-paints graffiti, and helps MC access top-secret information in STF. His comments on history further outlines the unique outlook that he challenges with traditional views.

I looked around nervously, remembering that last time, we were chased by city police for street graffiti.

Shaw: “Don’t you want to come? Hurry up.”

MC: “Do you just do anything you like? Do you abide by no rules?” -One-Day Date

Shaw: “What do you think history is?” Student: Those historical relics you told us about just then!”

- Student: “If everything is history, how does one learn it?” Shaw: “There’s no need for an intention. It’s everywhere.” -CN Summer Solstice Date

Neptune ♆ Neptune is the inspirational planet of dreams, inspirations, soulmates, enlightenment and sacrifice. It’s all about connection with the universe and the world around you, however can have the polar effect of deception and illusion, along with disappearances of sorts. It can also govern your music tastes and influence on how you can inspire others.

Shaw’s Neptune is in Capricorn ♑︎ With this placement, his idealistic world will be based around realism, morality, and responsibility. He has to believe in the ground foundations of realisability of his dreams- enough so that it usually has a realistic thread about them. General optimism and faith will be lacking if he’s not doing something that he is passionate about and finds inspiration in. However, he has the capacity to change his practical dreams into reality the most. His influences and contributions come from his connection with Dark/MC, again with Mars in Libra, and is seen as a guide and spectator, though less passive than a Time Observer. It’s also clear that Shaw cares a lot for his music and his band. He even recognises a plagiarised song in one of his Rumours and Secrets.

“Playing with the band is just a hobby, so Shaw rarely creates something from scratch. He must have hidden things he wanted to say in his music, but never mentioned it to anyone.” -Summer Night birthday Date

Shaw: "No wonder these people didn’t realise it, they copied an unpopular song from the 80s. You should also improve your musical literacy so you wouldn’t be confused by these things." -CN Glacier Navigation Rumours and Secrets

My phone started buzzing in my outer coat pocket. I took it out and saw an unfamiliar number. A few moments of hesitation, I answered it. An unfamiliar voice came from the other end.

“Long time, no see. I’m sure you’re trying to guess who I am right now.” There was something in his voice that gave me a sense of déjà vu.

MC: “May I ask, what this is about?”

“I can’t just call you for no reason? Everyone has already forgotten you. You are officially someone who shouldn’t exist in this world.

MC: “Impossible! Just who are you, anyway?”

“Go see for yourself. For instance, at the place where it all started.” -Chapter 19-1

Outside the floor to ceiling window, a tall man with light purple hair was looking at me in the eye, an unmistakable smile on his lips. Who is this person? He waved at me and strove in the diner.

“Oh, here you are.” He greeted me with such familiarity, a few loose strands of hair fell over his forehead, softening his sharp eyes. His actions were swift and sure, giving me no time to interrupt. His face seemed so familiar but I can’t remember where I’ve seen it before.

MC: “Who are you?”

Hearing this, the young man’s brow raised, and the look of amusement flashed over his eyes.

“You don’t remember? You bumped my skateboard.”

MC: “Oh! We met on the bus. But how is it that you remember me?”

He didn’t answer me straight away. He just observed my expression with great interest, seemingly enjoying watching my reaction.

“I’m the one who called you. It’s me. The dream world has no effect on me.”

Pluto ♇ Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld, and is not to be messed around with. It’s responsible for great destructible transformations and corresponds to the life, death and rebirth cycle. It’s the detoxing planet, for you to awaken and be reborn. It shows us where we can change the world, alongside right where we can go into the abyss of the cunning and controlling energies of Pluto. Its powers can be ever so subtle, however it can have the forces to trash you with the realisations of what you need to let go in order to transform. Think of it as the “healing crisis” moments that you can thank Pluto for.

Shaw's Pluto is in Sagittarius ♐︎ They take beliefs and philosophy of life very seriously, more than most. They believe deeply in personal freedom and expression, questioning ideologies in place. They often watch for a tendency to move from one project to another, perhaps due to inhuman expectations. They are motivated and driven by the vision of a better world, therefore their faith in humanity is strong.

Shaw helps MC multiple times when she is in need, additionally supporting her beliefs and vision to save the world and everyone in it, like when she first entered the Winter World and helped her rescue the kidnapped children against her battle with Leto in the Chapter 34. He even gives her his necklace- the Dragonfly Eye in the end of Season 1 and wishes her well once they meet again.

Shaw: “Oh yeah, the other you is really funny. Today, she saved someone on the street. Did you use to do stuff like that too?”

Dark MC: “I’m not like her. I don’t do meaningless things like that. Stick to the plan.”

Shaw: “Oh? I’d thought you’d like this scene. What are you planning to do, anyway?”

Dark MC: “Why of course, I’m going to accept my place as QUEEN.” -Behind the Curtain Chapter 5

MC: “Shaw, what are you doing here? Where’s Leto?”

Another thunder flashes, Shaw’s face was reflected clearly and I saw him lift his eyebrow slightly.

Shaw: “You are so slow. Did you bring the notebook? Keep it and give it to me later.”

MC: “You haven’t answered why you are here.”

Shaw: “And I thought you were starting to get smarter. None of us can stay out of it now. If I don’t intervene, this world is finished.”

I would love to see more about Shaw’s background character and his upbringing as to why he had appeared a bit defensive in some dates. Poor Shaw :( Hopefully this study allowed you all to gain a deeper understanding of Shaw and his character, and to why he’s important in the main storyline and other events alike.

[ajbwasntwriting]

Daughter!Reader X Negan, Reader x Daryl: Chapter 1. Darling Princess

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After the sneak peak tested well I decided to post the first chapter. I have many more already written and in the making but I’ll only post them if this gets a good reaction so please if you enjoy this please heart it, reblog it, and/or reply to it. Interaction inspires.

Sucking on another cigarette the stale tobacco burned your throat in a way you would’ve been disgusted by years ago. You looked out your window down at the gate, walkers pulling at it to try and get in. It had been a couple of years since Negan took power and more than long enough for you to feel trapped. You held the smoke in your lungs, a small part of your brain wishing it would ignite inside you and let you combust, before letting it out slow and smooth. Luxuries like this were meant to last. Another luxury was the leather loveseat you were sitting on, and the black and blue mosaic coffee table your feet and ashtray were on, and the acoustic gibson on your lap.

You placed the smoke between your lips to free your hand so you could strum the strings. You were playing an old rock balled your old man had taught you what felt like a life-time ago. He didn’t teach you to play guitar but when you came back from scouts playing campfire songs he insisted on teaching you some real music. You thought back on how many of his guitar strings you broke before that Christmas he bought you your own Washburn. The strings seemed to break less when the instrument was more your size. Those memories felt so distant now. As if they belonged to another person or were part of a movie you watched. The lyrics of the tune you were playing were on the cusp of coming back to you when your door opened violently somewhere behind you.

“My dearest daughter” Negan spoke as he entered your private room. You likened his new way of talking to that of a TV presenter. Always having to keep people on their toes. You used to think it funny when you were a kid but it wasn’t part of his personality then. “What are you doing here? Dinner was half an hour ago.”

“I’m not hungry” you shot back not even turning to face him, which would have been easy since the chair sat with its side to the window, but the walkers chewing on the fence were far more interesting.

“Y/N, don’t lie to me. You said the same at breakfast.” He sauntered over. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Lucille wasn’t with him.

“Food I didn’t earn doesn’t sate my appetite” you shot back, leaning forward to put out your smoke in the ashtray. That must have stirred something within him because the next thing you know you were grabbed by your arm and dragged out of your room, the guitar hitting the ground with a sorry sound. You let him drag you without protest, knowing better.

You were pulled into a plush dining room, immaculately furnished with white cushioned chair and a long oak table, set with silver cutlery. There were five sets in total for you, your father, and three of his ‘wives’. You figured this was some sort of ‘happy family’ play he’d act out but you didn’t know who the viewer was. You? The wives? The men? Or maybe knowing you didn’t want to be here was entertainment enough.

You were shoved into a chair next to the head of the table across from Frankie. She looked comfortable while nursing her drink but you reckoned that wasn’t her first. In front of her sat a bottle of vodka, distilled on-site by worker number 12. Fat Joey was filling the bowls with soup when your father shoved your chair in. He plopped himself into the chair next to you at the head of the table.

“Now isn’t this nice. A big happy family dinner before your old man takes off tomorrow.” You didn’t dignify him with a reply, instead motioning to the bottle of vodka in front of you. 

“May I have some, Frankie?” she looked at the bottle then smiled at you 

“Go ahead, Princess”. You picked up the bottle and filled your glass half-way to spite her for that nickname. 

“Thank you” you tried to be civil, as badly as you wanted to just walk off with the bottle, you sipped your glass instead.

You silently started the soup. The veggies were cut into large pieces. Perfect, chewing gave you a reason not to talk to the dickhead to your left. Your eyes were too buried in your soup to see the other two wives staring at you and your father who was boring holes into your head with his eyes.

“How was your day, Y/N?” Tanya perked up

“Same as yours” you replied with a mouth full of carrot and potato

Silence

“Where are you going tomorrow Negan?” Nicolle added.

“Ladies.” Your father spoke out, his tone showing his distinct lack of patience. “I’m not an idiot. I can tell that our darling daughter doesn’t want to share our company.”

“I made that obvious in my room.” Your spoon fell gracelessly into your bowl. “Why am I here?!” 

He reached over and rubbed your cheek affectionately. “Because I love you. And!” he punctuated the final word by raising a finger in front of your face, a silent cue to wait. He stood up from his chair and took off out of the room and down the hall. You took this moment to talk to his wives.

“You don’t have to be nice to me,” you said before starting to shovel soup into your mouth.

“Like hell, we don't.” Frankie retorted, earning a short child from one of the others. You chuckled and swallowed the food in your mouth. You picked up your glass and gestured it at Frankie

“Take notes, Ladies. Frankie doesn’t try bullshit on me” Frankie gestured her glass back. You guessed she’d been in a similar situation, forced to get along with people because it was easier. She didn’t try to be your friend because you knew you wouldn’t appreciate it, which in a weird turn of events you appreciated.

Your father arrived back. It was now you noticed he was a lot cleaner than usual, even the signature leather jacket had left him. Now you were alarmed. In his hands was a pink box with a purple bow. He placed it in front of you and kissed the top of your head. “Happy Birthday, Y/N.”

“Is it my birthday?” you asked, not quite sure. Time had become a blur since the end of the world. You pushed your bowl away to bring the box in front of you.

“Give or take a few months. I know I’ve missed a couple what with...everything...so this will count for at least one of them.” He placed a hand on your shoulder giving it a little squeeze, your own hand finding its way on top “There’s a lot more gifts coming for my princess, don't you worry.” You couldn’t help the smile that came to you, giggling slightly. You looked up at him, seeing nothing but unconditional love being sent back your way 

“Dad, it’s alright.” You smiled and turned back to your gift. The wives were now watching, captivated by this little bit of humanity at the end of it all. You gingerly opened the bow and lifted the lid off.

Inside lay a military knife, clearly hand-made on-site with a beautiful leather handle and your name carved into the side in cursive. You released a breath you didn’t realize you had been holding. You picked it up, finding it fits in your hand perfectly. 

“It’s beautiful” you near-whispered, watching as the candle lights hit against the metal. In a moment it was lodged in the table a mere inch from Tanya’s hand. You kicked back your chair, making your father step back, and grabbed the vodka bottle in one motion. “Now if only I had a reason to fucking use it” you spat as you stormed out of the room.

Back in your room, you sat in the corner with your head against the cold-glass window, looking down at the dead, only illuminated by the moon. You had killed so many of them before arriving at Sanctuary. Hell, you’d say you saved your old man’s ass more than he saved you...but he was a people’s person. Ruthless. But a people’s person. ‘Let me do my thing and I’ll have these assholes sucking my dick in days’.

That was a different age. Back when your father was a teacher. Back when your mother was sick. Back when your father cheated on her with anything with a pulse and she took it out on you. Back when your mother’s treatment and your father’s lifestyle drained your college fund and you had to enlist. Back when she’d attack you, both emotionally and physically, and you took it cause you knew she was in pain.  Back when you had come home from a 16-month mission because her condition had worsened. Back when the world went to shit. Back when you had to put her down because your sleazeball of a father wasn’t man enough to do it. You looked down at the dead and thought, if you reached your hands through the wires...you could be back with your mom.

Your door opened slowly, heavy footsteps coming your way. There was no need to look. Only one person would enter your room without knocking. “You scared Tanya back there, Princess.” your father spoke in a low voice. 

“She can take it” you croaked, a clear sign you had been crying. He kneeled down beside you. In the reflection of the window, you could see him holding out the knife.

“Please take it.” You turned around, your back now pressed to the window.

“Why?”

“You need to be able to protect yourself”

“Give me a gun then”

“No.”

“Why? Scared I’d leave.” You took a swig of your drink. 

“I see you’re upset-”

“Do you?! Do you really?” you cut him short, stumbling to your feet using the window to push yourself up. “Why am I upset? Because I eat food I don’t deserve? Because you make people die for me? Because you have me trapped in a fucking tower like Repunzel or some shit!?” That earned a chuckle from him, which only served to piss you off. “I should be down there earning my bit just like everyone else.”

“Do we have to go over this again?” He sighed dramatically. He cupped your face, the knife now dangerously close to you. “You're my daughter Y/N. My darling baby girl. My precious princess”

“I was twenty-six when this shit hit, dad” you mumbled through your squished cheeks. He gave them a little loving slap.

“You're valuable to me, which means some people might want to hurt you. You eat to stay alive, people die because they’re stupid, and you live in this room on this floor so you can be kept safe.” you blew him off with a wave of your hand and an angry sigh. You pushed passed him to your bed, twirling to sit on it and start taking off your combat boots. He walked over and lodged the knife in your headboard before kneeling down to look up at you. “I have to go out for a while. Find this Rick Grimes asshole and get some payback for the fifteen men he killed at our outpost.”

A chill went up your spine “The one near the hilltop settlement” you whispered. 

“That’s right.” You looked him in the eye, not noticing how your lip quivered.

“You don’t have too.” you didn’t know if it was the booze or genuine worry for human life but you found yourself begging. “We have more than enough peo-” he shushed you soothingly, his hand coming up to your cheek, rubbing soothing circles. 

“Oh but you know I have too, and while I’m gone I don’t want anyone to get ideas on what they can do to you so” he nodded towards the knife. You pulled it out of the wall, looking it over before nodding, mouthing ‘okay’ and depositing it in your nightstand table. He kissed your forehead before leaving, wishing you a good night. Once again alone you took two large gulps of your drink and laid down.

Edit: For creative reasons Y/N is now 26 at the beginning of the apocalypse instead of the original 24

[abysstwins]

sebastian michaelis x reader songfic (epiphany)

[ inspired by the cover song epiphany by the piano guys - i encourage you to listen to it while you read ! ]

this had been plaguing you for days now, you realized as you laid in the neatly made bed, your (e/c) eyes gazing out the window a few feet from where you lay. the trees swayed ever-so softly in the breeze, a few leaves being carried off by the soft wind. the calmness of the manor almost calmed your nerves

it felt weird, you had to admit that much. when you first woke up here, things seemed so exciting, as if you were finally living out your fangirl dreams. that’s what every anime fan dreams of, right? waking up in their favorite anime, falling in love with their favorite anime character... but truly being here had begun to lose it’s charm. sure, you had some excitement seeing as you’d seemed to appear a good bit before the beginning of the first season, though that didn’t cause your excitement to falter. it was only after season one had begun that you began to grow weary. you already knew what was going to happen, how it would happen and when it would happen. rewatching black butler multiple times had seemingly ruined the genuine experience for you. 

a familiar sinking feeling began to settle in your stomach. you weren’t surprised; it was made clear a long time ago that this serenity had never been your cup of tea. you thrived being kept on your toes, and laying in your bed at the phantomhive manor wasn’t doing a damn thing for you. so with all of your strength, you hoisted yourself up and out of bed before getting dressed in a simple beige dress accompanied by some white heels. you busied yourself with pulling your hair into a low, messy bun as you exited your room. maybe walking around for a bit might help. 

as you passed ciel’s study, your attention was caught by some chatter.

“no, sebastian, i am not going to have you as my dance instructor.” ciel’s voice pierced the silence. 

“but, my lord, it’s far too short-notice to request one of your usual teachers. the ball is tomorrow night,” sebastian reasoned, his voice causing a small smile to fall onto your lips.

“there isn’t even any music,” ciel huffed. suddenly filled with energy, you knocked on the already open door.

“i can help with that,” you giggled. 

“ah, (Y/N), good afternoon,” sebastian said, physically relaxing as his eyes caught yours. 

“good afternoon, lady (Y/N). how exactly would you like to be of assistance?” ciel inquired, obviously hoping to get out of going to another ball. 

you slyly pull your phone from one of your dress’s side pockets. “i can play instrumental music on my phone and sebastian can lead you through the dance.”

“why don’t you and sebastian demonstrate?” ciel asked, his face as stoic as ever, though there was a playful glint in his cerulean blue eye. you glanced at sebastian as he let out a soft chuckle before extending his gloved hand to you. opening your phone and pressing play on your music app, you then took his hand as the calming sound of one of your favorite instrumental songs filled the air. 

sebastian pulled you close to him, his warm and inviting smell calming your aching nerves as he held you. you gently placed your hand on his shoulder while the other slipped into his smoothly, as if two puzzle pieces had finally fallen into place once more. having been so lost in your own memories of your home and everything that you’d felt as though you’d left behind, you’d almost forgotten just how right it felt to be in sebastian’s arms. 

moving as fluidly as the ocean, and each step as soft as a falling feather, sebastian led the dance, your elegance almost matching his. the dance lasted for a few more minutes before the song faded out, leaving you both in a comfortable silence. 

ciel cleared his throat in a polite manner, glancing away from the two of you. 

“right then,” he said in his usual business tone. “thank you for demonstrating, sebastian, (Y/N).”

“of course,” you responded softly as you both stepped away from one another. 

“there is no need to thank me, my lord.” sebastian smiled at you before returning his eyes to ciel. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the day had went by as quickly as most days do in the phantomhive manor - you helped the servants around as you could, enjoying chatting with bardroy as you helped him make dinner. though, sebastian didn’t seem to be all that happy with how close you had seemingly become with the chef, which is something he brought up after ciel had been put to bed. 

“may i come in?” sebastian asked after knocking on your bedroom door. 

“yeah, of course, come in,” you replied, sitting up on your bed.

“what’s up?” you asked as sebastian shut the door behind him. a slow moment of silence followed your question as he kept his back turned to you. 

“do you like it here?” sebastian inquired, a small hint of fear evident in his voice.

“of course i do,” you replied softly as you stood up. “sebastian, what’s wrong?”

“you’ve seemed so distant recently. i assumed i may have done something - or not done something - that caused you to begin to become so shut off. i saw how animatedly you were conversing with bardroy and i became... afraid.”

“afraid of what?” you asked as you now stood beside the tall butler. 

“afraid that you have begun to no longer care for me as i care for you...”

“sebastian...” you breathed out before gently taking his hand, causing him to look you in the eyes. “i love it here, more than anything. i’ve never felt so safe somewhere in my life. you make me feel so safe. i love you more than anything in this world or the next. i’m so sorry for being so distant, it’s just easy to feel guilty for leaving everyone behind...” another moment of silence followed before sebastian spoke up once more.

“if you... wish to return home, i will not be the one to stop you.”

“sebastian... i don’t want to ever leave here without you, okay? you’re not getting rid of me that easily,” you teased the demon, causing a small smile to show on his lips. 

“will you dance with me?” you blurted out. sebastian chuckled before taking your hand in his.

“nothing would make me happier.”

pulling out your phone, you once again played the same song you’d both danced to only hours before. this time, the dance was much more intimate than formal, however. sebastian loosely wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you against his broad chest as you draped your arms around his neck, leaning your head against his shoulder as you both danced elegantly across the floor of your bedroom. 

as the moonlight spilled into the room in whispers, you couldn’t help but look up at sebastian, his maroon eyes fixated lovingly on your form. having been caught staring, the male could only smile before placing a soft kiss on your forehead. you sighed in content before resuming your position, your eyes closing as he held you. the song had long faded out before sebastian picked you up, carrying you to your bed and pulling you close to him once more under the inviting warmth of the covers. 

a realization hit you as you began drifting off to sleep in the arms of your love, a realization that was much overdue. you may miss your friends back home, and even the life you’d grown so accustomed to... but nothing in that world could have ever felt as right as being wrapped in sebastian’s arms. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

okay hi ,, i promise i don’t write often ........ i’ve been feeling v down in the dumps emotionally and man oh man alive i needed to write something comforting ..... nyways the cover song epiphany by the piano guys makes me think of this kind of scenario SO MUCH gods i just wanna be held by sebby okay <//3

[asian-hero]

i personally feel like todoroki would be forced to do piano lessons or something, but what if he finds someone who’s super good at piano as well as loves to play it- so you get the emotion as well (which todoroki lacked when playing because you don’t get the emotion if you aren’t motivated -❤️, who was forced to play violin and had that exact same problem lmao)

A/N: Back on my Todoroki bullshit lmao

I haven’t played the piano in so long, it’s truly a shame

There are just some hcs I cooked up just for you ❤️ anon, I hope you enjoy

When Todoroki was around six years old, he discovered the wonderful world of classical music when his sister had been practicing the piano for one of her recitals. After one of his more intense training sessions with his father, he stumbled out of the home gym, limping over towards his room to just collapse onto the floor, probably while a few angry tears streamed down his face. However, as he passed by his sister’s room, he could hear the soft sound of the piano being played. Poking his head in, he watched in awe as his sister elegantly played the piano, her fingers dancing gracefully across the keys, lulling him into a calm aura. Silently, he sat by her door frame, not wanting to disturb her, as he let the music take him to a much better place than reality

As he continued to watch, he didn’t notice his father’s loud steps coming to a halt in front of him. Normally, the elder Todoroki would be angry at the sight before him, his prodigy, just sitting around, doing nothing productive to his training, nor to his next steps to the road of being a hero. But, Enji also noted that playing an instrument, especially one like the piano, required a lot of discipline and could potentially whip Shouto into shape

So, he signed up the younger Todoroki for piano lessons the very next day

At first, Shouto was excited. He was finally able to do something that didn’t involve using his quirk, something that wouldn’t hurt him. It also made him happy to be able to produce the same beautiful sounds as his sister had, even if he was a little slow, and sometimes off key. It was fun for him

However, fun wasn’t good enough for his father, and the first time that he’d asked Shouto to play something for him, he was terribly disappointed. Rather than praising his son for doing so well at such a young age, he instead found everything wrong with his performance and critiqued him

“Why did you speed up here?” “You hit the wrong key here,” “Why have I been paying for your lessons when you haven’t learned anything?”

It’s a widely known fact that, if you want your children to be successful and enjoy their hobbies, you need to give praise and pointers rather than harsh criticism, lest you destroy their soul. For Shouto, it was that moment that made him resent the instrument. However, because his father wanted him to be the best at everything he did, he continued to force Shouto into his piano lessons, forced him to play in front of him, and then the cycle of harsh critiques would start over. No matter what Shouto did, there was always something wrong when he played, whether it be that his fingers slipped on occasion, or that his pace was off, his father always found something to nitpick. So, after years and years of playing, he found himself hating the piano, and hating the way it sounded

That was, until he met you

You had also learned the piano at a young age. However, your parents had showered you in love and compliments, praising you for your playing, even if you didn’t do the best. They’d help you out whenever you needed it, and only gave you pointers when you asked. They nourished your love for the instrument, and it helped you grow into a wonderful pianist. As the years progressed, you’d go from easy level classical songs such as Debussy’s Clair du Lune, to more advanced songs like Mozart’s Rondo all Turca. You loved challenging yourself, and nothing could beat the feeling of pride that hit you whenever you’d nail a piece. It was safe to say that the piano brought you a sense of joy whenever you’d play it, and you loved to listen to others pour their hearts into their performance

The first time Shouto hears you playing the piano is when the two of you are in the dorms. He was coming back from his supplemental classes for his provisional license, getting ready to take a shower and get ready to study. As he passed by your dorm, he found himself pausing in his steps, frozen in place as he listened to the melodic tune that was coming from your room. Hesitantly, he moved closer to your open door, standing by the doorframe, similar to all those years ago, except, this performance was different. Both Shouto and Fuyumi were forced to play the instrument, as their father wanted nothing less than perfection from the two of them, so they never truly played as if they enjoyed it

You, however, seemed to have a completely different outlook on the instrument

Whereas Shouto’s playing is concise, methodical, and nearly mechanical sounding, yours sounds as if you were allowing the music to control you, not the other way around. He continued to watch in amazement as your body swayed slightly from side to side, your eyes closed ever so slightly, simply enjoying the moment. Shouto found himself staying for the entire song, clapping for you when you had finally finished, nearly scaring the soul out of you

You felt your face heat up as you asked him what he was doing there, and apologizing if you were being too loud. He simply shook his head, taking this as an opportunity to move closer to you

“You sounded wonderful, don’t ever apologize for that,”

If you weren’t flustered before, you certainly were now

As you stuttered out a quiet “thank you,” you shyly looked up at the boy, carefully watching his expression. “Can you play?”

He nodded his head, though you could see his expression shift to a distant one, “Not as well as you, though,”

You adamantly shook your head, standing up from your spot to pull him closer to you, eventually shoving him down onto the stool before you, practically begging him to play a piece for you, wanting nothing more than to spend just a few minutes more with the boy. His face showed the pure hesitance his body was feeling, and just before you were about to tell him that he didn’t have to, that it was probably too late and he was probably tired, he gave you a small nod, positioning his hands onto the keys

You watched as he played Liszt’s Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2, his movements slightly stiff, yet you could tell that he was trying to relax. He wasn’t sure why, but he was even more nervous to play in front of you than his father, though perhaps it was due to the fact that he had found himself enamored with you, and he wanted nothing more than to impress you. However, after years and years of being told that he wasn’t good enough, he worried that you would think the same, that you’d say the same things as his father had

As he played the final notes, he slowly placed his hands back into his lap, too nervous to look at you. After a beat of silence that felt like an eternity to Shouto, you clapped your hands together, a bright smile taking over your features.

“That was amazing! I can’t believe you thought that I was better than you!”

He could feel his cheeks turning red, but he simply shook his head, “No, I was rushing during the end,”

You took his hands in yours, shocking the poor boy with your radiant smile. “What are you talking about? Everything was perfect! Even if you messed up, Hungarian Rhapsody is such a hard song, it’s amazing that you could even play it!”

Throughout his entire life, Shouto ears had been filled with superficial praises from his father’s coworkers, his old teachers, anyone who wanted to be closer to his family. However, he’d never heard such earnest and painfully honest praises. He never experienced the unconditional praise that you seemed to lay on him, and to be quite honest, he wasn’t really sure how to handle it. Taking one of his hands from your grip, he rubbed the back of his neck, an uncharacteristic sign of bashfulness

“It’s really nothing special, there’s much I could improve,”

He watched as your smile fell, and he wished that he could take what he said back. He shouldn’t have been piling so much onto your shoulders when you did nothing but simply complimented him. Just as he was about to apologize, you squeezed his cheeks into your hands, forcing him to look at you

“I don’t know who told you that you sounded awful, or that those ‘flaws’ are something that take away from your performance, but let me tell you what I think: I think that you’re an amazing pianist and you’ve clearly put in a lot of effort into your practice. I’ve truly never heard a more amazing sound than you playing just now. You sounded like some angel,”

Slowly moving your hands, you smiled sadly at him, “I’m sorry that you had no one to tell you that,”

Shouto wasn’t really sure of how he should react, and you didn’t push him to say anything as you sat beside him on the piano bench, your hands taking over where his were, simply playing a song to deafen the silence. After a few more moments, he slowly moved his head to rest upon your shoulder, both physically and emotionally drained

As the two of you sat there, with his head resting on you, and your hands moving across the keys, Shouto realized something: while he may have hated the sound of the piano, he certainly didn’t hate it when you played

[still-busy-being-mortal]

the rising of the moon

word count: 4544

rating: G

fandom: the mechanisms

warnings: major character death

summary: They've lived so long together, perhaps it is only fitting they die alone.

story notes: so this came about as a result of wanting to cry MORE about the mechs. don't ask me why.

features raphaella spouting unnecessary science jargon, ivy being emotionally repressed/depressed, drumbot brian holding a conversation with himself, and the toy soldier being actually emotionally intelligent.

——————

JONNY

It’s a quiet day aboard the starship formerly known as The Aurora. Most of the crew is out, and she’s drifting slowly through a dusty asteroid field. Ivy has stayed aboard to read, and Drumbot Brian was designated ship-sitter, so he’s stayed on as well. When enough time has passed (Is it days? Or decades? No one knows anymore, and no one cares. They are all so tired.), Brian hits the alert switch that will tell the Mechanisms to come home.

Ivy feels the gentle vibration in her brain --the pulse of The Aurora’s beacon-- and she puts her book down before walking slowly to the navigation bridge. Marius’ hand starts to buzz, messing up his note-taking; he apologizes to the rather fascinating asteroid-dweller he’s interviewing and takes his leave. Ashes feels their chest hum, and they turn away from their beautiful, fiery meteor shower.

[read more on ao3, or continue below!]

One by one, the Mechs find their way home. It takes some longer than others, but they all return eventually. Or they should; right now, there are only seven crewmates in the navigation bridge.

“I’m sick of waiting--where the hell is Jonny?” Tim whines.

“I guess he decided to stay in the asteroid belt?” Marius says.

“Woulda been nice to let us know,” mutters Ashes, “So we’re not all sittin’ here for ages.”

Brian stands and raises his hand. “All in favour of leaving and returning in a few decades?” They all agree, so he pilots Aurora away from the asteroid field.

Time goes by, and they do not hear from Jonny. Of course, members of the crew sometimes stay away for long periods of time, but that doesn’t mean their absence is not felt. And Jonny hasn’t appeared to try and contact them at all.

After a while, they vote to return to the asteroid belt. When they arrive, they split up, communication devices in hand.

Ivy combs through her memory, trying to summon any knowledge she has on Asteroid Field 01.18.20. The Toy Soldier moves methodically from meteor to meteor, searching for their lost comrade. Raphaella interviews any inhabitants she comes across, axially coding their qualitative responses to identify patterns in the data. Tim goes to a bar for a drink, irritated at Jonny’s latest antic.

He walks into some nameless, backwater joint and sits at the counter, flagging down the bartender with a lazy wave. He orders and waits, mechanical eyes roving the establishment. And then he freezes.

On the far wall hang a few dozen photographs, all dusty and poor quality. Above the photos is a crudely-done banner that simply reads “Cheers to Our Past Patrons.” One of the pictures is of Jonny.

When the bartender returns, Tim asks: “What’s the deal with the wall of fame, then?”

“Oh, that,” they answer tiredly. “Just sum dark joke the old owner thought up. Them’s the folks who kicked it in this here bar, you see.”

Tim was confused. “You mean those people died here? That can’t be right; my friend’s up there, and he can’t d--he’s alive.”

The barkeep shrugged. “Don’t know, pal. We had to bury most of thems out back, if you reckon you want to check.” He chuckled darkly and went back to drink-making.

Tim quickly finished his drink and went out the back door. He debated alerting the other Mechs about this development, but decided he might as well see for himself first.

He found the makeshift graveyard quickly, small rusty mounds amid the equally rusty asteroid outback. Some displayed names on roughly carved wood planks, but obviously none of them said “Jonny d’Ville” (Tim laughed at the idea of Jonny carrying around an ID). Most were unmarked, however, so he started to dig.

He used his hands, too impatient to try and find a shovel. He came across bodies and bones in various stages of decay, but none that had any chance of being Jonny. About fed up with this ridiculous idea of his, he decided to dig up one more grave. He shovelled dirt and rocks out of the way, until his hand hit something hard and cold. Something metallic. He pulled on it, and came away with a belt. Christ , he thought.

He quickly scooped away the rest of the dirt, revealing the corpse of Captain First Mate Jonny d’Ville. Dead. Tim stumbled backward, hand fumbling for his comm. “Um, mates, I-I found him.”

The Mechanisms were different after that. Yes, Nastya had gone Out long ago, but they had never actually come across her dead corpse , so it wasn’t the same. Marius had examined his body and declared him fully, completely, and irrevocably dead. They had held a funeral, but they were all too much in shock to really remember it. All they knew was that they were down a crew member, without a captain first mate, and terribly aware of their own mortality.

ASHES

About half the crew was in Raphaella’s lab, helping her with some complex kind of experiment. Raph was mixing two viciously green liquids together, while Marius was unspooling wire from a large bobbin. The Toy Soldier was holding an ultraviolet light against a motherboard, and Ashes connected the motherboard to the chartreuse concoction using the wires. After pouring all of the chemicals, Raphaella pulled on some rubber gloves and pulled out a small pocketwatch from her shirt. “Are we ready?” she asked gleefully. Without waiting for an answer, she started the countdown. “Five! Four! Three! T--curses!” The pocketwatch slipped from her gloved grasp and fell into the churning beaker. All at once there was a flash and a bang, and the lights went out. They stood in complete silence for a minute, before the backup generators flicked on.

The Toy Soldier clapped its hands, “That Was Jolly Good! Can We Do It Again?”

“No, TS, look, I got goop on my--wait!” Marius shouted, “Where’s Ashes?” They all turned to look at where the quartermaster had been just moments before. The floor where they’d been standing was a scorched, intricate, dark pattern of swirls. “What the hell is that ?”

“I Do Not Know, But I Will Go Get The Archivist!”

TS returned with Ivy, who took one look at the patterns on the floor and asked: “Who is it that has been time travelling?”

“Time travelling?!” Raph exclaimed.

“Yes,” Ivy said, “Those marks are a perfect exemplar of the evidence left behind when one has been forcibly transported forward or backward in the time continuum. Which one of you did it? Did you happen to bring back any books?”

“It wasn’t us: it was Ashes.” Marius said, “And we don’t think they’ve come back yet.”

Ivy grew very pale. “That is highly alarming. There’s a less than 0.1% chance that a time traveller ever comes back if they do not return instantly after the outset of their journey.”

“Y-you mean Ashes might not...” Marius trailed off, “...Wait a second! That doesn’t make sense! We don’t experience time linearly!”

“That may be true, but we are not forcibly moved through it either. We are at the whim of the narrative flow, and any alteration to that usually produces negative results.”

The Toy Soldier flashed through many emotions at once, though its face never changed. “So Quartermaster O’Reilly Is...Gone?”

“We can’t prove that yet!” Raph cried, fluttering around the lab and grabbing various scientific instruments. “Maybe if I can pinpoint when exactly they’ve been transported to, we can...we can bring them back.”

“That’s quite a long shot,” Marius said.

“What is science if not a shot into the ignorant dark?” Raph replied, rigging up a technological monstrosity. She aimed the thing at the charred spot and clicked a button, causing the machine to emit a pulsating, whirring sound. “Oh, you all might want to close your eyes.”

With a burst of green and a harsh dial tone, the thing spit out a strip of paper. Raph grabbed it and read it intently. She dropped it suddenly, eyes distant and empty. “They are gone.”

The room burst into a cacophony. (“What do you mean?!” “Gone How? Gone Forever ?” “It was statistically unlikely that they could have returned.”) Raph picked up the paper and pressed it onto the lab table. Most of it was meaningless words and numbers, but Raph pointed out a string in the center: “RESULT) DATE: %& INFINITE ROUNDING ERROR $! _ LOCATION: SINGULARITY!UNIVERSAL IMPLOSION. ANALYSIS) CHANCE OF TERMINATION: 100.0% +-0.0 R = 1.0”

“They’re gone.”

RAPHAELLA

The crew was far more disorganized after Ashes left. With no one to maintain inventory or keep the crew in line, The Mechanisms started to fall apart. Raphaella tried for a while to build some kind of time-travelling device, some way of defying the inexorable march of the story, but it was in vain. She was left with only one option; one experiment she hadn’t tried yet.

She carefully laser cuts some metal from the starship once known as the Aurora. She sits in Nastya’s former workshop for hours, bending and twisting and fabricating until she is left with wings; wings more breathtaking than any she has possessed before. Once on, they fan out behind her in a starburst of blue and metallic grey.

But her crew will never see them. In the cover of darkness, she steals away to the airlock. The ship is currently sailing past a black hole (Raphaella has the Messier number and NGC identification memorized, but that’s not her concern now). With one final look backward at the place that had been her home for millennia --the place she thought she would call home forever -- she casts herself into the black hole.

Ivy finds the note she left, succinct and unmincing as ever:

“Addressed to whoever finds this first:

After a brief review of prior literature, I have found extensive holes (no pun intended) in the study of singularities, specifically as it relates to a singularity’s effect on a humanoid body and mind. I seek to rectify this, as well as explore the possibility of horological manipulation, though perhaps my methods are not entirely replicable. It is every scientist’s dream to be on the cutting edge of research, and so I initiate this experiment joyfully. Also, black holes are hypothesized to have magnificent magnetic fields!

Yours,

Dr. Raphaella La Cognizi”

TIM

Tim, Marius, the Toy Soldier, Brian, and Ivy wait. They do not wait together, and they do not know what exactly it is they’re waiting for, but they wait nevertheless.

Time passes.

Brian pilots the ship towards various planets, pointless battles, dying stars. One day, the remaining Mechs arrive at a lawless sea-based war occurring on a planet composed entirely of liquid obsidian. They commandeer a ship (which they dub the ‘Dawn’) and spend decades wreaking havoc as the most formidable group of pirates. But Tim knows something is wrong.

“Tim, take out that vessel off the starboard side.” Brian orders from the prow of the Dawn.

Tim smoothly preps, loads, and positions a cannon to aim directly at the enemy ship in question. He lights the fuse, and the cannon fires. The crew watch as the projectile hurls through the air, arcing like a cold meteor into the distance. They watch it come down towards the enemy vessel. And they watch it miss.

The crew turns to stare at Tim. He’s not nearly as mortified as they expected. In fact, he’s perfectly serene.

“Um, Tim…” Marius starts slowly, “D-did you know you, uh...missed?”

“Yep.” he responds, popping the ‘p’.

“Did you mean to?”

“Nope.”

“And...you’re not upset by that?”

“Not especially.”

(“That’s a fascinatingly abnormal psychological response,” Marius mutters under his breath, jotting something down in a notebook he appears to have produced out of nowhere.)

The crew continues to stare as Tim goes below deck to his bunk, humming slightly.

Tim has known something was off for a long time now. His aim started to err by nanometres, then by millimeters, then more, until he was missing entire ships like today. He’d panicked at the beginning, of course, but now? Now, he was ready to be done.

He’d felt the pressure building up in his head, behind his eyes. He got spurts of tunnel vision randomly, and sometimes his vision just went to static. He gradually lost the ability to see some colors, as the electronic rods and cones went out one-by-one and refused to self-repair. But he wasn’t nervous or distressed or alarmed; he was excited.

You see, he’d been saving something for a special occasion. He didn’t know what ‘special occasion’ entailed, since the Mechs never consistently celebrated holidays or birthdays, but permanent death seemed like a pretty good one. He rooted around in his rucksack, and withdrew a set of shiny silver keys; keys he’d stolen a long, long time ago. These were the ignition keys to the largest gunship existence will ever see, and Tim planned to go out with a bang. That evening, he told the crew he wanted them all to return to the starship so he could be dropped off somewhere. They all agreed, since they didn’t have any real cares anymore, and they set off for the planet Tim had etched into his memory.

Tim sits in the cockpit of the gunship, the planet itself already ruined and smoking from fighting his way to get here. The Mechanisms were long gone, as he’d told them to leave without him. He hadn’t exactly said he wasn’t planning on coming back, but he thinks they understood. With one last grin of pure, unadulterated madness, he kicks the gunship into gear and blasts off.

The ship goes too fast to comprehend, and in an instant he’s shooting across the cosmos, shattering stars and razing entire systems of planets. The universe has never before witnessed such complete and utter desolation. Tim doesn’t process much during this rampage...until he starts to die.

He doesn’t know what he hit, but something has jolted the gunship just right, and he’s flung out the front glass. He knows he should die instantly, and he is, but his eyes are moving faster. They’re replaying his life, backwards, and he wants to groan with the cliché-ness of it all. But then it’s over. Or, almost over. At the very end, so fast, so short compared to the millennia he has lived, he catches sight of a young man in a trench. Bertie. A face he will never forget no matter how much longer he could have lived. And in the moments of blackness before he stops forever, he thinks about Bertie, about what comes next.

Faith is a moot point when you’re immortal, since you’ve quite literally come into contact with gods and demons, eldritch horrors and cosmic powers. But here, at the end of his wretchedly long existence, Tim wonders if he will ever see Bertie again. If he will ever see Jonny, or TS, or Ashes, or anyone ever again.

He dies blind, with their names on his lips.

IVY

Exposition: Ivy is quite spectacular at suppressing her emotions. She’s also skilled at identifying patterns, so by the time Raphaella left, she knew what was going on with 98% certainty. Without much fanfare, she packed her bags (5 for books and 1 for everything else), said goodbye to Marius, Brian, and the Toy Soldier, and left.

She rifled through her memory archives for the quaintest library she knew of, and headed there.

Rising Action: And so time passed.

Ivy read, and organized, and wrote, and...existed. Nothing happened, and nothing changed. Carmilla must have made an error in her mechanization because she’d never been the best at processing feelings, but she was happy, she thought.

Climax: A war came, and her library was attacked. With the numbest, most detached sense of purpose imaginable, she loaded an escape pod with random books she thought should be preserved and fired it out into the void. She didn’t even know she’d been hit until she’d fallen to the floor, blood streaming from a massive wound. She knows she is dying; she’d seen the patterns.

Denouement: Her brain whirs slower and slower, until it stops. The end.

MARIUS

They are not a crew any longer. Brian has firmly rooted himself on the bridge, more robot than man now. The Toy Soldier wanders the ship, searching for its friends who are playing the best game of hide-and-seek that the universe has ever seen. Marius putters along, doing some maintenance, writing down his thoughts, and waiting for his death.

He’d always known this life of theirs couldn’t last. Besides the conceptual and moral implications of an eternal existence without consequences, it didn’t even make sense physically . There was no such thing as a perpetual motion machine, and he was surprised his more rational-minded crewmates didn’t question it more. But now his theory had come to fruition, and his crew, his family , had slowly dropped off one-by-one, like leaves from an autumnal tree.

He’s at a bit of a loose end now. With no people left to talk to, no minds to pick, he doesn’t feel any sense of purpose. It’s not depression--he knows that; it’s more of a...cosmic futility.

He feels one last pull, one last tug of the all-pervading narrative, a tide of finality, urging him towards a certain door. He knows this door, knows what it means when he opens it. But he also knows all things come to an end eventually, so why not go out doing what he always did? Providing the comic relief.

“Time this for me, will you, Aurora?” he calls out. He turns the handle and steps inside.

BRIAN

Since Jonny’s death, Brian has been at war with himself. He supposes he’s always been at war with himself though, and his current moral quandary reminds him uncomfortably of his first.

Sitting on the bridge alone, he decides to have a conversation.

“So the crux of the problem is that we can bring people back from the dead, correct?”

He flips his switch. “Correct.”

He flips it back. “But the dilemma is whether we should bring the Mechs back or not.”

“Also correct.”

“Which we shouldn’t, because they wanted to die.”

“No, we should. We want them alive, right? Using magic is definitely the easiest way to achieve that.”

“But we need our family to be happy. God knows how long it’s been.”

“Is the end goal their happiness or our happiness?”

“If I answer that, will I change your mind?”

“Is altering the end goal really the moral way to win this argument?”

“You know what? Damn you.”

Time passes, and each crewmate’s departure only makes Brian’s contempt for his own inner hesitation grow. He spends years staring out into the cosmos, thoughts whirling just as fast as the dust and gases beyond the glass. He wonders if he will ever die and join his family, or if the degree of his artificiality will render him truly immortal. He hates that thought more than most anything else.

He stops smelling the smoke of Ashes’ fires one day, and wonders if his olfactory systems are shutting down.

He stops feeling the rumble of Raphaella’s experimental explosions, and wonders if his nerve endings are rusting.

He stops seeing the flash of Tim’s gunshots bounce around the corridors, and wonders if he’s gone as blind as the gunner himself.

He stops hearing Ivy’s narration, and wonders if his auditory fluids have finally trickled away.

One day, the lone violin that has been echoing throughout the empty starship fades out, and Brian feels his heart stop.

It restarts of course, but Brian knows.

He knows that it’s finally, finally time. Soon, very soon, there will be no more life aboard this ship. No life, where there had been life for eons. No life, where there had been life immortal.

His sense of taste has never come into doubt, because he can still taste the acridness of the Toy Soldier’s cooking wafting on the air. He decides it’s only right to bid goodbye, so he makes his way back to the kitchen. On the way, he passes the Doctor’s old laboratory. He briefly considers destroying it, bringing down the whole ship in a blaze of fire and brimstone, but he knows that isn’t right; it wouldn’t fulfill anything.

In the kitchen, the Toy Soldier is pulling something pink and grey and on fire out of the oven. “Hey, TS,” Brain says gently, leaning against the doorframe as his heart falters again. “I-I’ve got to talk to you.”

The Toy Soldier spins around. “Drumbot Brian!” it shouts joyfully. “How Have You Been, Old Chap! I Have Been Playing Hide-And-Seek With The Rest Of The Crew For A While Now, And They Are Definitely Winning! Have You Seen Them?”

“Oh, TS,” Brian says sadly, “We’re all who’s left now. Don’t you know? The others have gone.”

He sees the Toy Soldier’s wooden eyes soften, betraying an agedness he’s never seen before. “Of Course I Know, Bean. But What Have We Been Doing This Whole Time, If Not Pretending?”

Brian smiles sorrowfully, and TS matches it. “I just wanted to let you know, TS, that now it’s my turn to go.”

“I Know.” It salutes him. “Goodbye, Drumbot.”

Brain gently returns the salute, and leaves.

He stumbles through the ship, heart failing rapidly now, but he makes it to the airlock. He knows deep down that there’s only one way his story could end. His whole existence has been framed by empty solitude, with his family providing the best aberration one could wish for. With his body more an empty metal frame than a robot now, he opens the airlock and casts himself back into the cosmos, from whence he came, and where he would die.

THE TOY SOLDIER

Its friends are all gone away now, and it knows this. There is no more laughter aboard the starship once known as the Aurora. There is no more gunfire or explosions. There is no more music. The cold mass of metal drifts through the void of the uncaring cosmos, with no living being aboard.

But The Toy Soldier has to be sure; it has to guarantee that it is truly all alone now. So it visits its friends’ final resting places.

It spends some years gazing out the front windows of the ship. The thrusters have been broken for a long time now, and the Toy Soldier doesn’t know how to repair them, so it just sits and watches. It wants to see the Drumbot, so it pretends that it does. Soon enough, out the starboard porthole, it spies him. His metal is rusted and warped, frost rendering most of his face unrecognizable. A drum is still looped around his shoulder. The Toy Soldier tethers itself to the ship and goes outside for a moment, drifting towards the robot. It lays a wooden hand on his deformed chest, and feels that his heart beats no longer. It carves off a long curl of wood from its side, and places it in Brian’s frozen hand.

It returns to the ship. It hadn’t known where Marius had disappeared to, but now it feels the force of the narrative driving it towards a certain room. It opens the door, and a handful of mangy octokittens hiss at it and scurry away. There’s nothing in the room besides a pile of crumpled clothes, a broken violin, and a metal hand, but the Toy Soldier could recognize that style anywhere. It gently twists one of its own wooden hands off, and lays it on the mound.

The Toy Soldier knows that Ivy went somewhere far away, so it closes its eyes and pretends that it’s there. When it opens them again, it finds itself in the charred ruins of some great marble building. At its feet lay bones, a metal flute, and a mess of circuitry, untouched by the ash. The Toy Soldier reaches up, removes a piece of wood from the back of its head, and lays it besides the flute.

The Toy Soldier has a harder time finding the gunner. It’s drawn this way and that, chasing an intangible trail through the stars and galaxies. All of the planets it passes are devoid of life. Finally, finally, it stumbles across an enormous, gaping wreck of a starship, all mangled and smashed to pieces. The ship is so large, it’s drawn smaller asteroids into an orbit around it. On one of these rocky satellites, the Toy Soldier spies a body: a skeleton covered in a long brown coat with a guitar slung across it. A pair of mutilated, metal eyes rest in the skull. The Toy Soldier smiles sadly, removes one of its own wooden eyes, and slips it into the pocket of the coat.

It knows it cannot follow the science officer into a black hole. It does manage to find the sketches of the wings Raphaella designed, so it gathers them up, takes two chunks of wood from its back, finds Raph’s keyboard, and casts everything into the nearest singularity.

After pretending to be at the end of space and time, it finds itself there. There is nothing, absolutely nothing. It removes two segments of wood from deep within its chest and places them in the nothingness, along with the strings of an old electric bass it had found. As it winks back to the ship, it catches the faintest scent of gasoline.

It returns to the asteroid Jonny had died on, the start of their ignoble demise. It visits his grave, in the taupe dirt of the desert behind the backwater bar, and sees all of the trinkets and mementos the crew had left behind. It knows none of them left anything during their makeshift funeral, so that means each of them must have slipped away at some point to come here on their own. Ashes has left their best lighter, Tim a pair of dogtags. Marius left behind all of his notes of Jonny’s disaster of a brain, and Brian has deposited some sun-scorched piece of space station. His harmonica has also found its way here, somehow. The Toy Soldier slowly, slowly reaches into its chest and removes its wooden heart, laying it down atop the mound of dirt and memories. It walks away, and knows that it can finally, finally stop pretending.

AURORA

There is no record of where the Toy Soldier went next. It certainly did not return to the empty ship once known as the brilliant Aurora. The lifeless, soulless, music-less ship drifts on alone through the cosmos, rusting and warping until no one could tell it had ever been a ship at all. Eons pass, and whatever memory the universe might have had of The Mechanisms has been utterly lost.

Until the misshapen mass gets stuck in the orbit of a planet. Molded and formed by the planet’s gravity, the ship is reborn as a moon. And all at once, she comes to life.

As dawn washes over her, the young moon hears a voice. “Hello, dear,” a woman coos, “My name is Dr. Carmilla.”

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Revelation.”

This needed to be done. I know I went a different direction than a lot of you were expecting, but I thought it was best. If you want my reasoning for anything I will be happy to answer. 

It took him a second to figure out what was going on. Ramirez let him go and stepped back his dark amber eyes crinkled with concern. Turning his head to look around the rest of the room, he saw the others, Sunny, Krill, Katie, Three adaptids, Maverick, Jackie, Narobi, and his dog all staring at him with expressions of concern and frustration.

Krill stepped forward to say something, but as the little creature was doing so, he felt something as his mind and body finally caught up with each other. Heat rushed into his face and head as he was overcome with near blinding rage.

He stepped away from Ramirez, chest beginning to rise and fall heavily. He felt his face contort as his skin reddened with blood. His hands clenched so hard his knuckles turned white. He was so mad he could barely think. How dare they invade his privacy like this, go into his room and search through his things, and then confront him.

He wanted to scream at them, to throw things to march across the room and grab one of them by the throat.

But he was too angry even for that.

The rational part of his mind, which was barely functioning at the moment gave him one more option.

He turned on his heel and marched right out the door. A red hue had taken up his vision encroaching in from the darkness bleeding into silhouettes. He felt like his arms begin to tingle. His body was too light as adrenaline rushed through him. His head was light, his legs were light.

Footsteps behind him, “Adam!”

No, he knew what would happen if they caught up, and he was at least rational enough to avoid that. He sped up his pace listening to the footsteps behind him, they sped up to, and he broke into a flat sprint.

No one could keep up with him in a sprint, the repurposed steel-eye prosthetic he wore would make sure of that. The only two people that had a hope of catching him were Maverick and Rmirez, and even they couldn’t match high performance machinery. 

He raced through the ship leaving the people he passed barely enough time to register he was there before he was gone again. He burst out into the cargo bay and pelted down the ramp. He ran as hard as he could as fast as he could until he could barely breathe and then skidded to a halt.

He had made it to the side of the launch feild, where there was nothing more than grassy knolls and distant electric fences to keep prying eyes away. No one was here and the closest figures were merely back dots moving about the tarmac  He paused here pacing one way and then the other. His hands shook.

WIth no relief he turned his head back and screamed, ripping the cap off his head and throwing it to the ground as he sunk to his knees on the grass and dirt. His uniform pants were likely to get stained, but he didn’t care.

Moving from angry to despondent, he stared out at the launch field as tiny black silhouettes crawled across it like ants on a nest. The Sun was growing low behind him casting his shadow long over the grassy knoll. 

A shadow appeared  distantly, and he watched it as it snaked its way up the tarmack turning towards him. He flipped up his eyepatch to get a better look zooming in on the figure.

Waffles zig-zagged over the tarmac, her nose twitching as she snuffled at the ground, her tail in a low wag her ears back.

Surprisingly he felt a smile tug at the corner of his mouth. 

She continued to follow her nose lifting it on occasion until she saw him silhouetted against the sky and ran towards him pausing a few feet away. He frowned watching as she tucked her tail so far between her legs that it was touching the underside of her belly. Her ears were back as she approached him, her nose still twitching ears flat against her head.

What was wrong with her?

She scooted forward some more crawling onto his knees and pressing her snout against him like she was supposed to do when he was having an attack. 

She must be malfunctioning, he was fine

He pushed her off, but she returned hesitantly a moment later trying so hard to get him to respond.

“I’m fine dumb dog.” He snarled pushing her away again.

Her big dark eyes didn’t understand. She was just trying to do her job.. 

She was worried.

He tried keeping her away, but ever time he moved, or pushed her away shed come right back behaving how she was taught when responding to significant mental distress. He tried scooting back, but she followed him forward eventually growing frustrated herself and using the last thing in her arsenal she had.

She crawled on top of him and then just lay down flat on his chest pinning him to the ground chin resting on his neck.

He could have pushed her off, but lying there in the grass staring up at the blue sky he was slowly coming to a realization. The dog whimpered from where she lay against him, her ears still flat against her head.

Dogs didn’t lie.

They couldn’t.

And she was acting like he was having a serious episode. He didn’t feel like he was but, then again what was he doing here lying in the grass after running away from his ship. The anger faded, replaced with guilt, first guilt for treating her so poorly, thinking about how hard she was working and how ungrateful he was being made his eyes tingle with moisture. 

“I’m sorry girl.” he whispered, stroking her ears, running his hands through the fur on the side of her neck, “I’m so sorry.” she whined, “Your not dumb, of course you aren’t. You’re the smartest girl in the galaxy and I’m….I’m the idiot.” He continued to stroke her ears apologizing repeatedly until she started nuzzling at his chest again.

Right, no obsessive thoughts, even if it was to apologize to your own dog who you were being a massive dick to.

He stroked her ears some more and told her she was a good girl instead. Slowlyher tail began to wag beating against his leg, and she stepped off of him letting him sit up, though she imposed herself right before him as he sat.

He continued to stroke his hands through her fur, and she closed her eyes.

“So, thinking about all of this, there was only one option.” He said to her, her tail thumped more at the sound of his voice, “You seem to think I am in significant psychological distress, but I don’t feel like I am, and the conclusion to that only means that I….. well it means you’re right and I’m wrong.”

She snorted as if she agreed.

Her ears had perked back up.

He looked up at the sky closing his eyes as he tried to take a few deep breaths. What did he feel?

“Well, I am stressed, out of my mind stressed. I don’t think it’s anything big honestly, but it all sort of compounded.” Waffles continued to listen, “Started with the Burg war and putting that suit back on, fucked me up, and it probably wasn’t the best idea.” He looked into her deep brown eyes, “We could have just set up some kind of rocket launcher at the opening and then killed them all without stepping foot inside. I never had to put the suit on.” his voice faded away as he continued to think, “It’s like I feel like I have to do everything because it's better if I die than other people do.” 

She grumbled.

“Yeah I know, doesn't make sense.” She rested her head on his lap as he continued to talk outloud to her, “Why do I feel like I have to save the universe single handedly. There are thousands of men and women, multiple ships and other captains who can help do all of these things .” He glanced down at the dog again, “I may be the fleet commander which by default makes all the things I said earlier true, but…. I keep trying to do everything myself. It’s not physically possible, and I know that.”

He listened to the sound of jets roaring overhead, “And while I’m at it, I blame myself for everything too. Took a freaky ass ghost or whatever the hell to tell me to knock that the fuck off. What else do I blame myself for?”

He sat there thinking for a long time waffles listening intently with her head cocked.

“I need to change things. I need a structure I can rely on so that I can do my job better, and everyone else has a chance to do their job too. I need people who are smarter than me to advise decisions and workout problems because next thing you know I’ll be trying to fix the ship myself, and that would be a disaster.”

The dog’s tongue lolled from her mouth as she panted. 

That was good, she only did that if she was relaxed.

“And I’m still not alright. I’m stressed and my PTSD is returning, but I think that has more to to with the stress than the PTSD itself. I got over the war years ago, and I can be over the cannibal if Iwan’t. I SHOULD be over the prison thing, and it isn’t my fault that someone took my DNA to create an entire herd of hybrids….. I will help them, but that doesn't mean I have to take care of them as much as it hurts me to say that since I still feel responsible.” 

He tapped his feet on the dirt, “I’m close to cracking, and if I crack….”

He stood rubbing his temples. “I need a different perspective, someone who is less emotionally attached than me.”

Waffles fell into step beside him, “No one who is too emotionally invested so that gets rid of Sunny, and Krill for sure. I want someone who can be serious with me without sounding like they are lecturing. Ramirez, Katie, Narobi, and Jackie are out. Conn was never an option. He can read my mind so maybe I’ll talk to him later about what my real problem is, but I think I need some blunt straight to the face advice. A second opinion that’s not afraid to crack down and tell me I’m being an idiot….. I don’t need understanding right now. I need to be told off.”

The dog looked up at him, “And I think I know just the person.”

***

The door to the ship’s chapell hissed open casting light over him as he sat contemplating the books stacked on on the self to the side of him, from where he sat on one of the pews. He reached out and picked the top one up flipping through it absently. 

Waffles lay at his feet napping.

The footsteps behind him paused as the door hissed closed, and then they approached up the aisle.

“How do you think he did it? Walk on water I mean? That would be a cool trick.”

Maverick paused at the end of the pew eyebrow raised, “Are you done with your little tantrum?”

He smiled as he turned to look at her, “Yes, I am done with my tantrum.”

She took a seat at the end of the pew hands clasped on her lap.

“In fact that’s why I came here to talk to you.”

She looked skeptical, “Talk to me or at me.”

He shook his head, “No… I… Waffles helped me realized that you guys are right, I’m not alright, and now I need a place to go from here.”

“Finally.” She grumbled.

He smiled, “Go on let's hear it.”

“You don’t want to do that.”

“Do what.”

“Give me permission to give you one of my lectures.”

He tilted his head, “Your what?”

“I have this habit of coming up with just what exactly I would say to people when I’m going on a run or taking a shower. They are really mean so I usually don’t say them.”

“Go on.”

“Your funeral,” She muttered as she stood, “Your being an idiot, a selfish idiot.” 

That was a good start.

“Everything with you is about me, me, me. I have to save the world, I have to win the battle, I have to get everything done all the time. It's a shitty way to act and it makes the rest of the crew feel like you don’t trust them, and then when we try to help you just blow us off like you can handle it. Which I might not care about so much if you had proven that you CAN handle it. But no you get all heroic and sad like no one understands what it means to worry about the galaxy. Like the rest of us don’t stay up at night wondering if the burg are going to come back, and this time with better weapons. I don’t give a ship about what you do with your free time or how you commander our ship, you can do it in heelies wearing a funny hat if that's what you need to stay relaxed, but right now you're not commanding a ship, you  you….. You know what you really are.”

He waited wide eyed.

“You are a total control freak.”

He blinked not having expected that.

“That’s it. You have to have your hand in absolutely everything don’t you.” he went to open his mouth but she held out a finger, “No, shut up and let me finish. You are a total control freak, yeah you are the Commander but that doesn't mean you control everything. You’re like the president, your job isn’t to control everything, its to veto dumbass ideas and make quick decisions, while everyone else does their job and reports to you on the more important stuff. You behave like a child wanting everything your way all the time, and then when it doesn't you throw a fit and run off to do whatever you want anyway. It makes it hard for the rest of us to work, and we worry about you, a lot. You are a good commander, and I think with some work you could be the best, but you need to figure something out soon because if you crack and go psycho, everyone else is going to suffer for it. We need you commander, but not in the way you think we do.”

She went quiet

He waited.

“I’m done.”

“Ok cool.” he took a deep breath, “First thing’s first. I need to rework our system.

***

He stood nervously at the head of the command deck a notebook in hand. He had tried to do his work on a tablet but found that writing by hand gave him more clarity. He had been up all night working, but not in a bad way, thi felt good, like he was moving towards something. A good portion of the crew had been assembled, most of the upper echelon officers and some of their seconds.

A soft murmuring rose up from the group, and scanning his eyes over them he could see where Sunny stood at the back of the room her arms crossed over her chest. Krill floated beside her with Dr. Katie.

As far as he could tell everyone was here, so he cleared his throat and allowed the room to quiet. They were sitting at the tables in the mess hall, and he tried to just stand in front of them but found he wanted to see their faces, so he stepped up onto the bench to get a better look.

“Alright everyone, quiet down. Now the sooner we get this over with the sooner I can have a nap.”

Half chuckle form the crowd.

“It has come to my attention recently that this crew needs a bit of an…. Administrative overhaul. We are a mess, and that is mostly…. Well no it is entirely my fault, and I know a lot of what I am going to say is probably a no brainer for most of you, but just bare with me for a few minutes.” He adjusted his notes, “I haven't been trusting you with your own work, and I am sorry for that. As you can probably tell, I have an issue with thinking things through before I do them, but that is something I will be working on.” He turned to look at them, “So what I have done, and what I should have done a long time ago is give the department heads complete charge of their departments.”

The group shifted, “That means all requisitions, staffing, internal problems, all of those will be covered by the department head. I don’t want to know about it unless there is a problem that only I can fix. So If you are missing equipment take it to the quartermasters and their requisitions office,and they, not me, will determine if we have it in our budget.” he turned to the chief quartermaster, “I am honestly putting the most work on you, because I am expecting that you acquire all the equipment this ship needs to keep running including food, ammunition and spare parts. You’ll have to work closely with engineering in order to get all of that done. I want all the departments speaking closely with each other. 

He lifted his head and looked back at Sunny, “Sunny.”

He lifted her head.

“As chief weapons specialist and one of our experts on close combat. I will be giving control over to you on battlefield tactics. That’s what Drev generals do isn’t it?”

SHe seemed surprised.

He turned to look at cannon, “Cannon the Drev clan’s needs are yours, I need you to make sure you guys have everything you need. If there are disputes, you determine how to settle them.”

He sighed, “I do expect full reports from each of the department heads where you will make it clear if there is anything you need me to do, but otherwise, this ship needs to be able to function without me sticking my nose in everyone’s business. If I do, you have full permission to tell me to fuck rite off. Though as commander I reserve the right to Veto any decision you make if I think it will be detrimental to the ship or two the mission, furthermore, there are a lot of people in this room much smarter than me, so I am going to use that, and i am putting together a council of sorts, kind of like the jedi council, and you are going to help me make decisions. I need all of your knowledge and perspective if I want to lead this ship correctly or even the fleet?”

There was a surprised muttering in the crowd.

“Now we will be on leave for the next few months, which give you time to think on this project a little if you are worried, but I have a feeling you guys can handle it alright. Anyway, get on out of her, go home, and make sure to get those psych evals and physicals sent to dr Krill in a timely fashion.” He looked over at the doctor, “You will be in charge of determining who is and is not ready for active duty, also I will be hiring a few new hands as an attachment to the medical department. We need to expand psych, get a real psychiatrist for how crazy you all are.” He smiled as the group chuckled, and he stepped down from his chair.

The room slowly emptied leaving only a few people left…. The same people for earlier.

Sunny was still quiet and Dr. katie had her arms crossed.

He sighed and walked forward, “I’m sorry about earlier.” he said to them.

“You should be?”

“And what about getting yourself help?” 

He turned to glance at Maverick, “I had a discussion with Mav earlier, because i thought she would be the most brutally honest with me…. She was. I will be doing a psych eval, but towards the end of leave.”

More frowning.

“I won’t be seeing a psychiatrist.” he raised his hands as the group began to mutter, “No it's alright, I've thought it through, and I have determined that for me it isn’t the best course of action. Medication has never been for me either. I know it's helpful for most people, but I just need to relax, clear my head and find a way to relieve stress. So, I’m going home for a few months.”

They still seemed skeptical, but they relaxed enough not to argue.

Ramirez seemed the first person to accept his apology and smiled, “Well good luck commander.”

A few other murmurs rose up from his friends.

He looked at Sunny, “I promise, when I get bac. I will be better, and I will do better.”  

“

[lilylilie001]

“Old Friends Not Forgotten” Review and Analysis

Spoilers for Star Wars: The Clone Wars S07E09

If you are interested in my reactions while watching the episode click here

If you want to read my rant about the thing that made my cry the most in this episode click here (disclaimer: I was still crying while writing this and that may have clouded my opinion about the scene. In this review I will go into more detail about that)

So then let’s get started! I have calmed down and feel now emotionally ready to actually interpret and analyse the scenes and not just bring across my emotions. But this still is only my personal opinion! So if you disagree that is fine, just please don’t be mean about it.

So the first scene we get is a parallel to the movie (aka the first arc of TCW) which I think is a pretty amazing idea. It shows how Anakin and Obi-Wans relationship has changed and how it has stayed the same. Anakin is as cocky and arrogant as ever. But this time he is not Obi-Wans student anymore. He leads his own men with his own plan and is just coming from his own solo-mission. Yes he wasn’t Obi-Wans Padawan in the movie and Rex was under his command back the too but their dynamic was still different. He still sees Obi-Wan as his former Teacher and as a Jedi Master and part of the counsel he is technically still above Anakin, but they act more on an eye-to-eye dynamic. More like brothers than father and son.

Anakin uses a smiliar trick as Obi-Wan did back in the movie. (I don’t know how the Republic and the Separatists handle that but it is considered a war crime in our world... Since Obi-Wan did it and never got called out for it I guess it is okay in their world...) But of course Anakin puts his own spin on it. That is I think a pretty good way to show how Anakin learned from his master. He did watch and listen but he is not like Obi-Wan. He likes to do things his way. And as long as it works he won’t stop.

Their friendly banter in this scene is also really in tune with the way they act with each other in the beginning of ROTS (especially in the deleted scenes). So it is not hard to believe that this takes place only days before. 

Before Anakin does his own thing Obi-Wan says: “I know better than to try and stop you.” I really liked this line. Not only because it was funny but also because for me it had a bit of an bitter aftertaste. He does not approve of Anakin’s actions (or methods to be exact) but he doesn’t do anything about them. Anakin is an adult and Obi-Wan is done with his education but his former padawan is far away from being a Jedi Master.

Then we have the first moment with Rex. Again a beautiful example of their dynamic. The other clones do what Anakin say (they have to) but they also are a bit annoyed by their general and his plan. Rex on the other had has Anakin’s back, as usual. And he motivates his men to follow Anakin. The trust these two have in each other is just beautiful! Rex trust that Anakin knows what he is doing and Anakin trust that Rex is taking care that everything works. I am pretty sure Rex wasn’t given more than a few instructions haha 

Anakins plan works and he learns nothing except that he was right. Again. I am not gonna go into to much detail about Obi-Wan and Cody but I will say this. As usual they care about and trust each other. Cody is like a friend and not just some clone to Obi-Wan and knowing that makes Cody picking up Obi-Wans lightsaber in a few weeks so logical. Also it makes Order 66 as usual even sadder.

I can’t help but feel that is episode feels like part of a movie. The opening battle. Very Star Wars. That would also explain the new intro and outro. A very nice ending to the show. Staring with a bad movie, finishing with good one. All in all this episode really played on nostalgia about the TCW Movie and I love it!  

Okay back to the episode.

Ahsoka used the name Fulcrum for her transmission. It is a nice callback to Rebels and to the Ahsoka Novel. But with the republic (for example Yularen who becomes a impirial officer) knowing that she uses that name it feels like a bit risky to me to use it in the rebelion as a code name... Maybe I am thinking to much about that but yeah I had to write that thought down. Also Anakin first thinks it is Saw Gerrera, so that means he came up with that name? This just confused me... 

So now I going to try to fangirl not to much about Anakins reaction to Ahsoka, which is hard. But I am going to talk about it because it is very important for his character. I personally don’t remember the last time I saw Anakin this happy. Ahsoka coming back into his life is for him obviously a thing he had wanted and hoped for for a long time. But at the same time he is so surprised that it happened.

The next feeling he goes through is concern. He is just immediately concerned about her and the reason she is contacting him. Perfect Anakin moment. He loves his adoptive daughter and of course he is scared about her wellbeing. He is Anakin! He always scared about the women in his life. So having this poking out under his happiness was a good call.

Obi-Wan on the other hand is just surprised. And Ahsoka herself is very distant. (gonna go into detail about that in a second)

The talk Obi-Wan and Anakin have while walking to Ahsoka’s ship is also very interesting. You can see Anakin trying to find a reason for her leaving. Like it is the will of the force. Meanwhile Obi-Wan has a mixture of quilt and anger. He was partly responsible for Ahsoka being kicked out of the order and therefor also for her not returning. But it also feels like he is mad at her for not retuning. Maybe (that thought had just crossed my mind) he is angry at her for breaking Anakin’s heart. After all Obi-Wan had to piece him together again. (There is an unfinished scene form the original 7th season were they talk about Ahsoka.) And now he feels like she should not be let off the hook just like that. 

Or he really just angry that she left the order that he believes in.

Again we have a nice callback to the movie. I really love those. They feel fitting.

R2D2 is just amazing as usual and greets his masters daughter like a good boy. 

Ahsokas face goes through so much in a matter of seconds. She looks at R2: happy. She looks up at her former masters: scared and unsure. She takes a step: confident. That is genius! I especially love that little moment of fear in her eyes. It makes so much sense when you look at her in the rest of the episode! And I personally think that it is Obi-Wan that she is cold towards. I think she has not forgiven him at all for his part in her trial. And she is not at all ready to face him. But she puts on a brave face because she has a mission bigger than her. 

At first when she stopped Anakin I was a bit upset but i get it now. She does not want to have this in front of Obi-Wan and Bo-Katan. Anakin staying behind for a second and putting himself together again is also really fitting I think. He was so excited to see her and she is cold towards him. He either does not see that it is not about him or he feels the tension between her and Obi-Wan.

Anakin again becomes worried dad when she mentions Oba Diah. And it feels like she would want to tell Anakin but she has Bo-Katan next to her and Obi-Wan in front of her so she doesn’t. She also seems surprised that he still cares so much about her. I think she expected him to be a upset with her and not as open and happy as he is. (Maybe that was why she looked scared in the scene before...) 

“What is one more?” This sentence is big. I mean yes Bo-Katan is not a friend of the Jedi and not a friend of Obi-Wan. But it also kinda shows the overall frustration with the Republic and the Jedi in the galaxy. 

Anakin lighting the mood with a joke...that is just pre-Vader Ani at his finest!

Bo-Katan is not wrong in this scene but after everything she had done to sabotage Satine she should really get down form her high horse here! 

You can just feel the tension leaving the room when Anakin and Ahsoka are alone. They start to banter and she immediately smiles. These two have still so much love for each other and truly enjoy each others company. But after that there is this small moment of silence. Again perfect moment. It just shows that regardless of that there is baggage here.

While walking down that corridor Anakin acts like a worried dad again. “It doesn’t matter to them. It is a sign of respect. They know what you went trough for them day after day. Battle after battle.” I choose to believe that he is also talking about him self when saying that. It is his way of telling her that he is proud of her. I don’t think she picks it up but the way he talks about it...that is his opinion of her for sure!

The Helmets...I just love them. I am not going to talk about them much. Their meaning is obvious and this is getting really long. I will also skip Rex for now (don’t worry he will get his paragraphs) same with the lightsabers.

Ahsokas face...she just feels proven right about the Jedi...

So I am not sure if Anakin’s worry is about Padme or the Chancelor. I mean they talk about the chancelor and he is close to him. But he looks really worried so maybe Padme? 

Ahsokas and Obi-Wan argument. The scene is amazing! I have to say that. It showed their morals pretty perfectly and both are kinda right. Again the tension between them makes sense. It still hurts to watch it.

But also Anakin standing between them awkwardly is kinda fitting with his arc. He is so happy this whole episode that it is hard to see ROTS Ani but I think it still ads up. He knows they are both right. The war has to be won but also Mandalore needs help.

“Unfortunately Ahsoka is no longer a part of the grand army of the republic.” That one sentence made so mad at Obi-Wan. Yeah, he is technically just saying a fact but his attitude. He is partly responsible for that he takes no blame! Even Ahsokas reaction is just like: Are you kidding me right now? She just looks at him for a second and she looks so disappointed and hurt. 

And Obi-Wan, he continues to look at her after she looked away and I don’t know but I see a bit of regret in eyes.

So apparently Anakin can promote Rex just like that. Don’t know why he never did it before. I mean we all know Rex would deserve it. But better later than never, right?

Interestingly enough the tension between Ahsoka and Obi-Wan is gone so quickly. It is fare away from their friendship in previous seasons but still. There is respect there again.

Of course Obi-Wan has to make a Kenobi joke before leaving. That really made me forgive him, at least a bit.

“Thanks for the support, as always.” I have not nothing to add to this sentence. Ahsoka’s words nailed the point I want to make about Anakin in this scene.

Okay now on to the lightsabers. Two things. First, he must have had them with him on the whole siege! So that means that Anakin Skywalker kept her lightsabers with him at all time to either remind him of her or just in case she came back to him! Yeah, attachment is problem with this boy...

Secondly...they are blue. All of Ahsokas lightsabers are green up to this point. So he either got her knew crystals or he played with them so much that the took on his lightsaber color. I don’t know what to say about that. 

Ahsoka rolling her eyes at his braging is just wholesome. Nothing more to add there.

I really love their dynamic when they are alone. It is so pure and happy and loving...

“Good thing I taught you otherwise.” So again a sentence with so much meaning. Filoni just loves throwing these in there, right? Let’s analyse it (bc that is the purpose of the post after all). With this sentence he basically tells her that it is okay to disagree with Obi-Wan and that he is not holding it against her in any way. He himself does it. Especially with the scene from before in mind that is so powerful. 

We have heard a multiple of Jedis saying that luck doesn’t exist so Anakin saying that shows he does not care about what the order thinks is right. He has his own right and wrong. For now that is not problematic but we all know who that ends...

And that means he tells her he raised a good person and not necessarily a good Jedi in her. (it is really late, my english is no longer working properly) Hopefully I got my point across.

The way Ahsokas stands in this shot... She is not a little girl anymore. She is a fighter. A warrior. 

“Anakin! Good luck.” 

I really have to take all my strength to stay calm while writing this. I don’t want this to be too emotional. 

So. Okay. *takes a deep breath* Ahsokas last words she ever says to Anakin Skywalker. The next time she talks to him he is Vader. Good words. Less than I personally wanted but good words. 

After what he told her before it is just so poetic. She wants the best for him. She wants him to be lucky. To succeed. But after what he said it is more. So much more. It is a rejection of the Jedi and an embrace of the light force. And... Damn with everything that is going to happen in ROTS having Ahsoka telling him words that the Jedi reject is just... 

Moving on before I lose my mind. We still have Rex to cover. 

Anakin and Ahsoka think they will see each other again. They think that they will win and be together again and then they can figure out what to do about everything. About them. About the Jedi. About Obi-Wan.They have no idea what the future has in store for them. And it is perfect. I aligns perfectly with other star wars media. ROTS, Rebels, Ahsoka Novel. They don’t hug. They don’t say goodbye. I hate it but it is perfect.

I love that Rex got promoted but he is gonna be Captain Rex for me forever. Captain or Sir. But he really does deserve his promotion!

Because this is really long already I will not talk about Bo-Katan and the Mandalorians but focus on Ahsoka and the Clones. 

We get an amazing banter between Rex and Ahsoka were Ahsoka proves that she is Anakins Padawan after all and that she has Skywalker energy. It is really amazing to see her in her element again. She can use the force whenever she wants and kicks ass! This really was her childhood.

And then she saves a Clones because that is what Ahsoka Tano does. She knows casualties are a part of war but she saves who she can.

Rex is so happy to have her back! He smiles and smiles just like Anakin. And just like with Anakin Ahsoka is so relaxed with Rex. They are her home! 

I just love the cinematography of her fighting. It really is just watching a Star Wars movie. I can’t wait to watch the whole arc in one go!

“Beat you.” “Some things never change.” Wholesome. This is just wholesome.

Okay so that is it for me. I know there is still Maul and Bo-Katan to cover but I will talk about them after next episode!

But I will say this in conclusion: This is episode was stunning! Like everything was beautiful and meaningfull and thought out and detailed! I truly love this episode! I already watched it three times today. And I am so amazed by the animations! The characters facial expressions were on point! I had so much fun analysing them!

I hope that was interesting to read and honestly I am surprised if anyone got this far. Anyway I really loved watching the episode again frame by frame and note my thoughts (this took me 6h btw)

[empressxmachina]

“The Line” |  See more from this storyline/universe - Ergo Retrograde - in its gallery here! and the related tags below.

(Stock for photo and greater context under the cut.)

***

“Well, ain’t this just fantastic!? I thought this kind of trash would’ve stopped with Candela choking everyone out, but here you are again, suffocating me like at every damn summit.”

“You’re coming at me!? You’re the scared puppy here! It’s not my fault you won’t listen to reason… or simple criticism!”

“A pot calling the kettle black, huh? Get over yourself, princess.”

To be so opposing in everything, they combated like they had been married for years. For ones so small, they were so very loud.

One couldn’t be more out of their element than being light-years away from home. That and being confined to the Conscience and with its lodgers, the ship itself only having a house’s worth of surrounding walking space, had knocked DeShawn off his rocker. In size, the house in question did fight Euphoria, the station from which the tiny team’s once-unsuspecting trip departed. However, it was nevertheless an unbounded labyrinth of mostly sunless walls. He may not have been the sole, small soul with the opinion, either, but he was the only one to vocalize or, for all he knew from his low angle, show it, exploding from cabin fever up to the heavens one morning after the first meal, unapologetically unafraid to nip at the enormous, ecru hands that just fed them.

Beige body parts controlled by a being so unfathomably large and figuratively otherworldly if the latter wasn’t already the literal case.

Nonchalantly wiping a just-used mug clean in his hand, Kolvyr’s celestial head gazed down at the less-than-cup-sized collective on the dining room table in silence, scanning over the samplings of surprise from the tinies with titles, fear from the civvies, pointed antagonism from a particular captain-companion combo, and the daring, diminutive glare up to him from DeShawn. The little lieutenant and the large lord of the house locked eyes for what felt like days – the tension building enough to make Kiyoko herself need a doctor. Like everything in the end, however, it didn’t last, but it wasn’t easy to say who, if anyone, faltered first.

Every infinitesimal astronaut caught their heart in their throats when Kolvyr glanced to his side for a moment and then suddenly walked away from his audience, footsteps reverberating past corners, down halls, and upstairs with the clink of a now-clean mug set atop a counter in the midst of them.

In the giant’s absence, a tsunami of quietness rushed over the group – dense stress too thick for a laser. Armand, the subdued beacon of wisdom, was the one to break through after a pregnant pause, divulging everyone’s variant yet aligned thoughts with a cheeky “I’m sure there was a better way to go about that.” Its simple veracity did squeak chuckles out of some, but the fatherly tone came at a price: being just like that of the mountain DeShawn just lashed out at. Another glare from the unjaded gentleman was gifted to the giggling gaggle, clamping their lips closed in an instant, except for a gasp from Gale, who was first to notice Kolvyr’s return to the table in a proper day outfit rather than the cotton separates in which he awakened.

Having smartly kept to himself the observation of how the dried streaks and stains in Kolvyr’s cup were uncomfortably close to DeShawn in more ways than one, the horror on Gale’s face was palpable when the casual Colossus raised a Laputan island of a palm up to the table top’s edge. Again, more looks of panic popped across the populace before anyone acknowledged the awkwardness, and again it was Kolvyr to make the first move.

“Did you change your mind?” he queried with softness, light in volume but heavy in heart. His eyes pointed toward DeShawn, showing nothing but patient beckoning, yet the question’s inflections, along with the vista his satellite pupils spanned, framed it for the entire group.

The offer was grand, and against how it looked, its journey was sure to be safe. But the ride was not everyone’s to take, at least not yet, even with little Lemon shaking and wagging in hopes to run to her wit’s content, pushing her handler to hold her back. With cute choruses of ‘No’ or ‘Maybe later’ floating up to Kolvyr, each returned with an understanding grin and nod, the hover-boarding-by-hand initiated and finished as a ride for one.

The fearless, puny passenger took his seat atop one of the palm’s lines, and away he and his breathing magic carpet went, swiftly gliding across the open area of the dining room with rhythmic, slightly muffled drums beating from below and behind. The border wall of blinds blocking the destination was reached in seconds, but the passage had hesitancy. At the unexpected pause and its paired pulse progression, DeShawn looked up at his wielder and found him looking behind them both. The angle of mostly under-chin and nostrils left much to be desired, but it only lasted for a moment. The fabric slats were separated, the glass barrier they hid broke its seal, and a grass jungle soon entered the fray.

***

Life finally allowed a breakaway from an involuntary shipwreck to simply be a tourist. Increased endurance made the distance ran and still running no worse than anything dealt with on a tour of duty. Observing overgrown flora in unobstructed suns’ light, overstimulated by liberation, overseen by a distant, lazy leviathan midway through a magazine on a lawn chair, DeShawn revitalized his system and reveled in his lack of regrets.

He did… until they came to him as if the Conscience crashed again in the form of his most adversarial ally approaching out of nowhere.

“You’re a real piece of work, you know that?”

DeShawn’s state of calm was immediately broken at the sound and then the sight of a shrilling silhouette in a floral headscarf. Charging through stalks of weeds at him like a bullet train, an emotionally exhausted Rana let him have it,

“For you to be so strung on getting back to your wife and son, do you actually have a death wish, Oldham!?”

“You may be a superior to some, Commander Naaji, but not me,” the junior of the pair cattily reminded her, looking past the subconscious wonder of how she got outside by recalling their unaffiliated factions. He had paused his run while doing so to wipe his blinded eyes of sweat, and he figured the factual statement was an end-all-be-all, resuming his outing in peaceful solitude. But, to his dismay, fate had another idea, and Rana followed, matching DeShawn’s pace with ease.

“I have my rank for a reason,” Rana proudly detailed through metered huffs. “I also… don’t have much to lose, but I’m not letting an innocent child lose his father if I can help it!”

“Such a drama queen; some things never change.” As much as he wanted and tried to sidewind her off his tail with jukes and dekes, DeShawn wasn’t going to leave an argument without winning, let alone give her a chance of doing so with eye contact. “Am I that much of a short-sighted bastard to you that you think I don’t know what I’m doing!?”

If each sharp verbal diss and jab they pulled toward one another was a scrupulous landscaper’s tweezer pluck, Kolvyr would’ve been kicked out of the neighborhood for developing such a barren yard. Left-and-right, up-and-down, the minute militants were moles or at least mites scrounging through the grass blades and each other’s psyches, perhaps only willing to make the verdant strips into slides or surfboards in a happier reincarnation of themselves. But, despite their smallness, their sounds carried.

Rustling, pitter-patters, and the occasional gasps, whether from DeShawn at the onset or enhanced by Rana’s delayed yet expected entrance, Kolvyr caught every exertion… and eventually every exclamation and expletive.

And then he didn’t.

There was only the fluttering aerial fauna and the flora in the breeze until a sudden ringing of his communicator at his hip joined the party, and the bang of the sliding door crashing open came right after. At a glance, neither had a directly visible source, but he could assume both their causes without having to look at his plot and check.

There’d be no point and no time to lose as they wouldn’t be there at all.

***

“Well, ain’t this just fantastic!?”

The onslaught of sass just wouldn’t stop, and it didn’t look like it was going to anytime soon. For every step and outburst Deshawn respectively took away from and through against Rana, she was right on his tail, volleying them like a gold medalist. Replacing his exhausted bits of patience, all he could see was red, and his throat and face shared the same hue.

“I thought this kind of trash would’ve stopped with Candela choking everyone out,” he asserted, “but here you are again, suffocating me like at every damn summit.”

“You’re coming at me!?” Rana fired back, having to readjust her headscarf and tighten her bag’s straps with every other sudden turn or so. “You’re the scared puppy here! It’s not my fault you won’t listen to reason… or simple criticism!”

DeShawn never claimed to be perfect, or so he said, but he quickly pointed out others’ flaws.

“A pot calling the kettle black, huh? Get over yourself, princess.”

To be so opposing in everything, they combated like they had been married for years. For ones so small, they were so very loud. So loud with so much tunnel vision, the only thing one of them saw or heard was the other. If one didn’t know any better, they’d think the pair were destined to fall in love, but there was nothing except a blend of acute hatred and chronic disappointment that only a parent could have to spew from their lips.

“Do you see!?” Rana pleaded through a nearly breaking voice. “This kind of nonsense is why you’re never getting promoted!” At long last, it was this emphasis on his subservience that finally stopped DeShawn in his tracks and made them face each other once again.

Rana jumped at his sudden pivot, not believing that those words, of all she had said, would’ve moved him to dominant submission. Seeing the heaviness behind his eyes, though, she braced herself for a tussle. Reflecting on her defense, DeShawn did the same. The two fighters were readied for battle as their friction had kept them mere seconds from killing each other at all times.

But then roared a referee, silencing them and calling the whole spar off as, “Shit like this… will get… you both… killed!”  

The verdant stalks on one side crunched and split, and a predator emerged from them, ready and waiting to pounce. The pairs of puny pupils widened at a familiar face, but it was only when the overhead light suddenly went out that hardened what it meant to see it.

The three souls’ focuses moved to the obstruction and found no cloud.

The slits in the yard’s fences were more than enough space to fit a shrunken soldier and then another, both too distracted by drama to see where they were going and that they had gone anywhere, to begin with. The area right outside of those protective planks may have been solely comfortably dull, vacant residential space to not overshadow Rana and DeShawn’s shouts at each other, but privacy was lost with the cross-country race’s worth of distance. The pair became a plentiful of persons as the duo crashed the celebration of one of the most communal days Ia-Dunn had to offer, and a hard-working custodian was simply doing their job, cleaning up the litter compiling from a sanctioned bike race.

Plucking a bottle top bigger than them with an extended grabber on one side and accidentally crushing a drink can rivaling the Conscience, it was only a matter of time before the giant janitor turned their head to dispose of or detain the diminutive, overly detailed dolls some child likely dropped in excitement… if they weren’t made into stains on their overarching treads without notice first.

The bitty beeline from general suburbia into the park was drawn just at the wrong time to inadvertently intercept the massive means of maintenance in action, though who was to say that an animal proper wouldn’t have gotten them if all the enormous audience and athletes competing weren’t around? Nonetheless, the pocket-sized lieutenant and commander were lined up to be overcome by something there or exhaustive attempts of finding their way back to one gargantuan house of many of which they had never seen the exterior.

They were, but they were instead only swept off the ground like rowdy children back through the barrier of woods they penetrated, having to have the unobstructed view of that colossal cleaner’s subsequent, unwarranted asphyxiation and then flop to catalepsy onto the grass brand itself into their brains as common conurbation greeted them on the other side.

Before either loudmouth could comment on their renewed safety or, heaven forbid, chomp at each other again, their savior abruptly dropped them at the roots of mountainous, manicured bushes edging concrete and confront them on the bigger picture. “How dare you… make me… disable an innocent!?”

When the pain and blinding stars settled from the impact enough to revitalize voices and, of everything, realized guilt, a duet of endless apologies provided Candela a corrupted serenade. Yet, all their compassioned chords rising up from below her shadow sight-read as odiferous odes on the music staff that was her mind, and she didn’t hesitate in switching the key, time, and tempo to recenter composure for everyone’s sake but mostly her own.

“You’d have a better chance of regrowing my right arm from that fucking fruit salad we had this morning than getting an apology through to me!” she hissed through her teeth and pulsating veins on her face, the latter a blend of present anger and recovery from her impromptu, extrapolated spell of paralysis. “You can try one on him, though.” The captain nudged toward a familiar titan down the sidewalk inconspicuously peeking through the trees at the race’s timeout as volunteer medics went to care for the newly collapsed next to a checkpoint, then quickly regained the two twats' attentions by adding, “if he doesn’t make an embrocation out of you first for this fucking headache we have!”

A glow in the fuchsia-locked femme's eyes came as fast as it went, and the trio of tiny souls - one in annoyed patience and two in disgraced depression - braced as slow and softened, patterned tremors approached their leafy shelter, ending there with a sigh from the sky and a simple, eclipsing kneel down to tie his yachts for shoes. Time was of the essence as not all in the vicinity were cretins, and Candela wasted none getting her fellow passengers in her arms again and them all, with another swoop, tucked into one of Kolvyr's cavernous pockets where a patient pointer with paws was waiting as he finished his knot, stood, and started his way back home.

***

They were adults – living dolls, sure, but alive and mature – adults with lives they left behind… and were taken from… somewhat literally by a briefcase that one day. They could’ve taken care of themselves enough to survive an overgrown lawn if they survived a crash landing. So it had only seemed fair to give them some freedom they no longer had.

It had.

Welcome to the Tour de Ia-Duun... or Something Like That ~Autodesk Sketchbook ~DeShawn ~Rana ~[race] Phil Roeder from Des Moines, IA, USA, Worm's Eye View (36993234410), modified, CC BY 2.0 ~treads ~foreground grass ~[grabber] Eddau, Grabber reacher IMG 0499, modified, CC0 1.0 ~can ~[bottle cap] Mikael Häggström, Sports cap (bottle) - open, modified, CC0 1.0 Photo circa January 2021; excerpt circa September 2021. Yes, seriously.

I told y'all I'm still writing. Things just happen in a weird order, okay? I'm always proofreading.

[maddiefriendlovesbilly]

Spencer x Ghost?

Spencer x Ghost

(AAAAA- it has been months since you sent this to me, and all i can say is im so sorry) Side note I have my friend @lethalbreadkills helping me with this one!

For reference: Maddie (maddiefriendlovesbilly) is green, Jimmy (lethalbreadkills) is red (((its 4:30 at the time i have joined this so im dead braincell wise sorry yall))) and Orange is stuff we decided together :3

Also this is so very chaotic im so sorry for this anon but this has been in my fuckin drafts for SO LONG and this is the only way its getting finished (its now 5 am uwu) im so sorry for all the shitposting i do its a mess. I shouldnt have been allowed here. (we finished at about 5:30 am its hell <3)

Sphost? Ghencer?? Sphoster??? I adore and despise them all equally.

We have decided that it should be BeanieGhost

Anyway I think this ship is really cute

They’re both so neurotic I can only imagine the chaos that would ensue

One of them starts a rant on some topic and the other joins the hell in

I’m an advocate of LETTING SPENCER INFO DUMP BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT OKAY

And Ghost would let this dream come true???

I would die for both of them and if Spencer told me I had to die I wouldn’t even complain, no questions I’d just be like “Aight.” I trust him that much.

(Not sure I trust Ghost’s judgment enough to do that unquestioningly; sorry Ghost)

Back on topic

I can’t imagine these guys on anything that comes close to society’s definition of a date

It’d be more like “hey you wanna come on this hunt with us?” “maybe, depends if there’ll be snacks” or like chilling in Spence’s room binging the entire star trek: original series in one sitting or “oops sorry about that level 11 entity that attached to my soul and is now wreaking havoc in your house, wanna make out later to make up for it?” “Fine but you also have to play three rounds of Call of Duty with me afterward”

They wouldn’t be romantic often but like highkey? I can see them throwing themselves into the line of fire for each other with a recklessness only they could survive

We can’t forget that Spencer is a more than 60,000-year-old overpowered demon/god/entity/thing, which, yes, could throw a slight wrench in this ship for multiple reasons, but I choose to make angst out of it instead.

Side note: Ghost is a chronic conspiracy theorist (and you can’t tell me otherwise) and every once in awhile Spencer will offhandedly say something like “Y’know I helped the Egyptians build the pyramids” and Ghost just goes fucking feral.

Look, I’m not saying Spencer IS touch-starved and most likely has issues creating and developing relationships and therefore avoids interpersonal connection, especially offline, but I AM saying he is prime material for it. (thats a lie thats exactly what shes saying don’t believe it) (I’m projecting okay dont judge me) (loser imagine projecting)

Imagine with me for a second: Why does Spencer willingly stay with a family who locks him in their basement with only minor complaining? He’s a near all-powerful entity just released into the world for Spence’s-sake - If he wanted to, there’s no telling what havoc he could wreak! So why doesn’t he? Why would someone so powerful, so terrifying, so dangerous that a group of people decided to seal him away forever stay with the first family he finds in sub-par conditions for years - especially someone who’s seen to be as high-maintenance as Spencer? Let me hit you with a theory: He’s chasing the feelings of validation, safety, and love - no matter how rarely it’s shown - that a family can provide. Being socially isolated for even a few years can do a number to a person’s psyche (I should know, I’m projecting onto this character right now), let alone thousands.

Now maybe Ghost can’t match thousands of years in isolation, but damn if he doesn’t have a few years of crippling loneliness on his record too.

I can see the two of them learning how to be vulnerable around others together, emotionally and physically; learning how to open up and how to talk through issues; and some third point, because points are better in threes.

(May I suggest that these losers are both trans but thats just me adding in my own projection lmao)

(You absolutely may)

Imagine the conversation thats just “so i have a murderer in my head thats an ass” “rip to u ig sounds like a you problem :///”

imo spence has trouble expressing emotions other than like,,, annoyance and haughtiness, its like sort of his go-to defence, so showing Ghost his emotions is a big step for him

I hear you, and i say yes good. (found this one headcanon that i kinda live by where he was uh, either autistic or adhd i dont remember but theres that too) OH yeah that would be at thing huh. Spencer: *is emotionally vulnerable @ ghost* ghost: oh shit im trusted??? Oh fuck uh.

Yeah so like…. Ghost and spence showing emotion at eachother is kind of :flushed: ghost be like: whats an emotion. Imagine having emotions fuciiing loser hhaha,,,, *laughs nervously*

Ghost is also very emotionally distant with most people so it would probably be like “what??? The fuck?? Emotions?????? You have those???”

Ghost and Spencer be like *gay*

So another idea is that maybe Spencer realizes Ghost doesnt play any games [like the uncultured SWINE he is] and decides he must [remedy] this and so he introduces him to like, nintendo first. (some bitches thought that said nintendo fortnite. Im bitches) and theyre playing like, mario kart or smash or smth and Ghost gets really [fuckin into it]

Ghost and spencer: *literally in eachothers laps playing fucking wii tennis*

Spooker: what are the- *TOAST FUCKING SLAPS A HAND ACROSS HIS MOUTH* shut up you dont wanna know what happens when its mentsonssbfdjfsd (sorry i had a stroke uwuwuwuw)

(Theyre in denial we don’t judge in this house)

They will not hesitate to play dirty either, they will straight up push each other over and vaguely flirt

Ghost is losing and straight up fucking goes “ur hot” and spencer actually dies and boom ghost is the winner. sparkle emoji Magic sparkle emoji

“I am Not a HomoSexual:™:” “Yeah, sure you aren’t” “Screw off”

Pet-names-ish: Asshole, Gaymer-Boy, casual insults, Mr. Spirit Bitch, Mistake, Loves Ghosts More Than His Boyfriend What A Fucking Loser aka Gay-ass

Pros:

They both open up a lot most likely. Gain someone to trust since they’ve sort of been through the same things (though on much different scales)

I can see soft hours of hanging in each other’s bedrooms

Spencer is a tsundere you cant tell me otherwise youre just a coward if you disagree

So is Ghost so this can only go well

Every time Ghost has to solve a case at the Acachallas Spence is just peaking out from his basement like “the fuck is this?? Hot Man??????”

Enemies to lovers 500k (Gets Hot and Steamy :flushed: NOT CLICKBAIT!!!!11!!!!! 18+!!!!!!! GAY LOVE StORY!!!!!!) Lemonz!!! Made from teh Sexiest of Wattpaders UWUWUWU YAOI Boys Love don’t like don’t read!! (this is so fucking stupid jkfnd) I hate this with a passion Q^Q. All my years of being a basic watpad fanboy have helped me to the moment i bring maddie to tears

The steam is just like,,,,, holding hands and being angy all the fuckin time the steam is literal because their anger translates into actual steam

Cons:

Their angst has nowhere to go and it just sits between them like two raccoons at a dumpster-style mexican standoff

They really start off hating each other huh. Like, I know this can still lead to healthy relationships but neither of them are very good at healthy relationships with people he hasn’t known for his Whole Life so that’s an Oh No.

They totally feed off of each other’s stupidity (but this could be seen as a pro too so take that as you will) as well as anger - im talking one-upping each other kinda shit

Its ridiculous honestly how intense it gets, like they straight up need intervention sometimes because they dont realize they can just STOP

Conclusions:

I think this would be a relationship that would that a lot of time and hard work to make work, but i think in the end it would be really super cute!! Like it would make no fuckin sense to anyone else but somehow they’d understand each other and help each other through their similar issues. Also theyre both big nerds in different ways and i think they’d have just ranting sessions back and forth over and over and it would be soft!!!!! So yeah, i think it would work, at least, i want it to :D

So. Maybe?? I feel like it could, but they’d need to work pretty hard to make it healthy and not constant fighting. Could be stupid amounts of cute and wholesome but also could be stupid amounts of oh no and pain, depending on how the two act. If they learned how to get along with each other and work past their differences it could be super cute and soft. Just a very, er, bumpy beginning. And middle. And end. (this makes me very nervous,,,,why did you mention an end) (wouldnt you like to know weather boy) (TvT) UFDUNS bumpy but soft . Agreeing with the loser gay, want this to work it’d be interesting :3

[maxineswritingcenter]

Home - Dean x fem!reader part 5

After being kidnapped by demons, (y/n) is no where to be found by her partners Dean and Sam. Will they find her in time before it’s too late?

TW: there may some some added violence as requested but nothing more than what would be shown in the show, we’re keeping it PG - 13.

- 

“This is getting....diculus...useless....” (Y/N) heard Balaam’s voice going in and out. They had put her in a chair, arms tied to her sides, a mock crown placed on her head where screws punctured her skull. The demon next to her tutted. 

“Why don’t .... kill her? She’s not going to give us anything about where...home is.” 

“Home?”(Y/N) picked up her head a little a tried to look at the demons through her swollen, bruised eyes. 

Balaam moved to stand in front of her, an excited grin on her face, “Yes, home. Where is home? Tell us.” 

(Y/N) found the strength to smile weakly, thinking of the words that Dean had said those years before. 

“Home... the place where I can go. Take this off my shoulder...Someone take me home.” As she spoke, her head slowly went back to hanging down. 

“This is useless. Untie her, get the crown off.” Balaam growled. 

“Untie her?” The demon’s eyebrows knitted together. 

“She’s a bag of bones, she’ll die within the day.” As (Y/N) was untied, Balaam pushed her to the floor and she landed with a thud.

“Let’s go and figure out something else, this is big waste of our time.” And with that, they were gone and she was left in the dark.

“Someone take me home.” (Y/N) whispered, curling into a ball with Timothy besides her. 

- 

Dean sat at the table, staring at the small glass vial in his hand. In it was a piece of the wooden floor of the house (Y/N) was taken from. It was stained a rust colored from dried blood, the blood of the kidnapper. His attention was brought to Rowena’s heels as she walked into the room, Sam walked behind her with a black velvet chest in his hands. 

“What’s that?” Dean asked, watching Sam set the box down on the table besides him. Rowena lit a candle with a long match and opened the chest to reveal a necklace. 

“Just a few things I managed to borrowed. Nothing to worry about.” Rowena smiled before plunking the vial out of his hands. 

“It’s a revelation spell. The blood from the demon that took her should connect to the body it came from. And, with any luck, he’s still with (Y/N).” Sam said, giving Dean a soft smile. Almost like an apology. 

“Yeah, well, let’s just hope this works.” Dean leaned back in his chair and folded his arms over his chest, “Because if it doesn’t...”

“Dear, if this doesn’t work, I’m putting up my spells and cauldrons and never practice magic again.” Rowena smiled, rolling out a map. She inhaled deeply and were her eyes opened they were bright purple. She pointed a long finger at the the vial with the blood and it began to shake, just like everything else in the room. 

As she spoke, her voice echoed through the bunker with an other-worldly tone: “Reveal now, reveal!” A wind was rushing through the bunker, originating from Rowena. The candle flame flickered and faded from yellow to purple like the witch’s eyes. 

Suddenly, just as it began, it stopped. Rowena had blinked the purple from her eyes and a smile crept onto her face.

“I’ve found them.” 

- 

Balaam and the other demons sat at the table. Her head was in her hands, fists of her hair threaded through her fingers. 

“So what’s our next move?” The demon to her right asked. She was sure he had a name but she was too pissed off to care about such things. She wasted six months for nothing, six months of feeding and beating an empty lead. 

“Well we’re not kidnapping anyone anytime soon. That bitch was worth less than the nails we screwed into her head.” A demon... his name was Richard, which would explain things. 

“Look will everything just shut up and-” A distant bang from outside stopped her train of thought. Everyone’s heads spun towards the door. 

“What’s that?” They all stood from their seats, preparing to fight. But what they didn’t expect was the door to be blown off in an explosion. A demon was crushed by the door as it slammed into the far wall, the rest were blown to the ground. Balaam looked up from the floor, coughing out the cement dust from the explosion. 

As the smoke cleared, Dean Winchester appeared in the doorway. There was fire in his eyes and if looks would kill. 

“Candy gram.” He said. Sam and Rowena appeared behind him.  

“Who’s the leader?” Dean asked and was met by numerous fingers pointing to the woman by the door. 

He nodded, “Alright.” He leaned down and grabbed her roughly by the arm, dragging her to her feet. Sam and Dean led the woman out of the room as Rowena dropped a lit match into the bowl in her hands. The demon bomb inside blasted outward and all the demons left in the room were disintegrated. 

Dean shoved the woman against the wall while Sam held an angel blade to her throat, “Where is she?” He demanded. 

“She’s dead.” The demon sneered, “We tossed her into a meat grinder and ate her for dinner. She was so sweet. If you would have gotten here three months earlier then you could have had a bit-” Before she could finish, Dean grabbed Sam’s wrist and forcefully shoved the blade into her throat. Sam pulled his wrist from Dean grip and glared at his brother. 

“Dean!” Sam shouted as the demon’s body hit the floor. 

“She’s lying. (Y/N)’s here.” He started making his way down the hallway, calling her name. 

-

(Y/N) woke up again to Timothy’s little paw touching her face softly. She sighed, trying to move her head but she was too sore and weak to really move. She opened her eyes slightly. Timothy’s bright blue eyes only stared down at her from his position on her chest and opened his mouth but the yowls that she was used to coming out were replaced by her name. She narrowed her eyes the best she could in confusion. 

“Wha...” The whisper escaped her lips. 

“(Y/N).” Timothy said, blinking down at her. 

“(Y/N)!” Her attention was brought towards the direction of the door. It sounded close, someone calling for her. But was it real, or just another hallucination? 

“(Y/N)!” The voice called again, a different voice followed it, calling to her. No, that was real. It had to be... was it?

“In here-” (Y/N) croaked. The voice was getting closer, she could hear footsteps getting closer. But then they started to fade again and get farther away. Timothy had hopped off her chest and was going towards the door, scratching at the wood. 

I have to move, she thought, I’ll die here if I don’t. And I’ll be damned if she gets the last laugh.

(Y/N) rolled onto her stomach, using what little strength she had in her arms to drag her body across the cement floor. Every movement caused her leg to scream at her and her arms felt like they would fall off. Each movement felt like it was taking a life time to make it anywhere close to the door. 

“I’m here.” She grunted, as she finally made it to the door. She shifted so she sat against the door. 

They’ll never hear me if I can’t get loud enough, she squinted and tried to find something, anything. It was just her luck that she found a chair leg, of of the many that littered the floor. She gripped the wood tightly in her hands, bracing herself. With a sharp movement, she jammed the jagged edge into her leg.

“I’M HERE!” She screamed, squeezing her eyes shut from the pain, “I’M HERE!” The footsteps were coming back and relief washed through her. Her fingers fell slack and her hand slid off her leg, leaving the wood lodged in her leg. She closed her eyes and smiled to herself. 

“We’re going home, Timothy.” But the little cat was gone, disappearing into thin air. 

The door behind her opened, she fell back into the hallway, into the light and as her head hit the ground she heard him. 

“(Y/N)...” He found her. He came for her. Just like she knew he would. 

- 

The next few days were more of a blur than anything. The ride to the hospital was mostly in darkness. Every one in a while she could hear Sam telling her to stay awake, keep breathing, they were almost there. 

“Come on! Don’t give up!” Was what really stuck with her. And maybe it was a mistake on his part, but she hadn’t given up. Had she wanted to? Absolutely. Those days that had faded into night, the days becoming weeks, the weeks to months she wanted nothing more than to die. The torture she had been through, both physically and emotionally were worse than any short of death she could think of. And when it wasn’t torture it was the visions of her family telling her to give up, no one was coming, to join them in death. It crossed (Y/N)’s mind often that is she just gave up that it would all be over. She did what she had too, she didn’t give up the bunker, she didn’t need to keep suffering. But if she gave up, she wouldn’t be able to prove the demons wrong. SO if anything her hope was based on spite. That they would come and they would save her. 

When she woke up, however many days later, it felt like her whole world was spinning. The brightness of the hospital lights against all the white furniture and equipment made her squint. She lifted on her arms, taking care to do so once she noticed the IV pumping fluids into her hand, and felt at her head. There was gauze wrapped around the crown of her head. The most shocking thing was the full cast on her leg. She could imagine how difficult it had been to fix that considering all the damage. 

“They had to rebreak it.” Dean’s voice made her turn to her left. He was sitting in a chair right besides her bed. To say he looked different would be an understatement. He had grown a beard and his hair was longer. He had dark circles under his eyes and his eyes, while they were their usual green, seemed darker and tired looking. 

“They had to rebreak it because your bones fused together wrong. I watched as your back arched and you screamed-” He paused, like the memory of it was hard for him to handle, “It just made me imagine all of the terrible things they did to you. All because I didn’t try harder to find you. All because I let my ego get in the way and left you alone.” (Y/N) knew Dean had carried the guilt of the deaths that followed him all of his life. 

“We were both being jerks.” She whispered, still not trusting her voice. Dean shook his head. 

“No, none of this is your fault. None of it. I was the one starting fights.” 

“Why were you starting fights?” It was a questioned she had wanted to ask for a long time, but never got around to it since she expected another fight. 

“I...” Dean began but the words just wouldn’t come. As if on cue, a nurse walked in, with Sam following behind her. 

“Hey, you’re awake.” Sam grinned, in his arms he held two bottles of water. 

“You gave us quite the scare, Ms. Nicks. Thought we were going to lose you for a minute. But you’ve got the fighting spirit.” The nurse said cheerfully. She then started the process of changing (Y/N)’s fluid bag. 

“How ya feeling?” Sam asked, clearly avoiding looking at the cast on (Y/N)’s leg. Or maybe it was the bandages on her head. Sam held onto guilt too, but his was a little easier to see than Dean. Sam had his heart on his sleeve with his puppy dog eyes. 

“I’m feeling better all things considered. What day is it?” She asked, almost dreading the answer. 

“It’s October seventeenth.” Sam sighed. October? Six months had gone by. She knew it had been a while but not six months. She hugged her arms herself, and squeezed her eyes shut. The nurse seemed to catch on to what was going on and excused herself. 

“(Y/N)... I can’t even describe how sorry I am.” Sam started explaining things, about all the spells and leads they had trying to find her. It made her feel better, that they really tried their hardest to find her. She was grateful, obviously. It was just so long. She opened her eyes to look at Dean but his chair was empty. 

-----

Oh you know there’s going to be some fluff next....chapter? Installment? Whatever, there’s gonna be fluff.

 Read part 6 here!

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[gxdsetmxnsters]

You’re the One Thing I Can’t Let Go

Originally posted on both Wattpad and Ao3 ; Vent fic ; Scriddler ; mentions of  domestic violence : unhealthy relationships : alcohol : sex : unhealthy coping mechanisms

"I dunno what happened," Edward blubbered before angrily wiping his runny nose.

He was slumped against the chair he was sitting at with Selina sitting across from him with a concerned look on her face. It wasn't every day that Edward Nygma, aka the Riddler, dropped in for a visit, and it was much less common for him to come to her apartment in the beginning stages of a breakdown. Scratch that, it was something that'd never happened before, and she considered Edward a close enough friend to be concerned for his general wellbeing and current state.

"Try to explain," Selina said soothingly, unsure if reaching across the small kitchen table and putting a reassuring hand on Edward would help calm him down or cause more problems than it was worth.

"Dunno, dunno," Edward whined softly. He drew up his knees and balanced on the chair, hugging them to his chest. Selina almost asked if he wanted to move to the living room as the couch was more comfortable than a chair, but refrained. If Edward wanted to move he'd either do so himself or ask if he could.

"Was it Jon?" Selina asked carefully, knowing she had guessed correctly with the way Edward stiffened and sniffled loudly.

"Iddint always," Edward said, his current state making his words sound nasally and pinched. "It's always that prick."

"What happened?" Selina pressed, leaning forward and eyeing Edward, concern growing for the man in front of her.

She was well aware of the relationship between Edward and Jonathan, as was the majority of the other rogues, but only she, as far as she knew, was fully aware of how dysfunctional the relationship truly was. Sure the relationship itself was dysfunctional at best but it went deeper than just the simple assumption that it was dysfunctional.

The fact of the matter was the relationship bordered on being nearly as bad as Joker and Harley's relationship, but granted for different reasons. Selina had learned of this when Edward had shown up on her doorstep nearly a year ago with a busted lip and the clear signs that he'd been gassed with Jonathan's Fear Toxin.

Having managed to pry information out of Edward then, Selina had been mildly horrified by the behaviors and actions Edward and Jonathan took out on each other. She'd learned that such fights happened at least two to three times a week from arguments that often started out being petty.

Edward had confessed that he was at much of fault as Jonathan was for their "domestics", having given the other man more than one concussion by hitting him with his cane, and even the one time occurrence of breaking the man's arm, of which Jonathan had returned in kind.

"Jon didn't gas you again, did he?" Selina inspected the still crying Edward in front of her, relieved to see that there were, at least, no outwardly signs of Edward being, or having been, affected by the Toxin.

"Nuh uh," Edward shook his head and sneezed, easing his legs down so he was sitting normally.

Selina sighed before getting up and grabbing Edward the box of tissues that was sitting on the kitchen counter.

"I'm glad to hear that at least." Selina skid the box of tissues over to Edward who grabbed a few and wiped his nose. "I still don't understand why you're with him though."

"Not... Not all his fault." Edward hiccuped and looked at Selina with his red watery eyes. "I'm just as... just as at fault..."

He blew his nose again and Selina waited patiently for him to continue, sensing that he wished to.

"Sometimes... sometimes I wonder why I'm with him myself," Edward confessed. "I... I know it's not the best but I... can't stay away. I know it's probably bad, but I care about the bastard. Probably too much..."

His eyes lost focus as he zoned out, an odd detached look on his face a stark contrast to the emotional one he'd had moments before.

"Edward," Selina reached over and gently placed a hand on his to bring him back into the moment.

Edward jumped and yanked his hand away from Selina's, yes wide and wild looking before he calmed himself down. "Sorry 'lina."

Selina smiled slightly and waved a hand, "It's ok Ed, your reaction was to be expected."

Edward nodded before looking down at his hands which were now resting in his lap.

"Edward?" Selina prompted. "What happened tonight if Jon didn't gas you?"

"I..." Edward glanced up briefly before looking back down at his hands. "I don't know... I think it was another fight but... I don't know. All I remember is... All I remember is that Jon somehow managed to... confirm and deny something in the same breath and I..." Edward hiccuped again as fresh tears slid down his face.

"You're doing great Ed," Selina soothed again, "tell me what he confirmed and denied at the same time."

"I..." Edward sniffed and Selina fought the urge to make a face at how disgusting it sounded.

"Y-You know that for the past... two years Jon and I have... b-been a thing b-but it was never... anything official..."

Selina nodded slowly, "I'm aware of the fact, yes."

Truthfully she understood that part. Labeling someone as your partner, of the same sex or not, had its own set of problems in their line of 'work' so it was often not something that actively happened, or was made known, the majority of the time.

"W-Well," Edward's voice wavered as he started to subconsciously tear the tissue in his hands to shreds. "Somehow Jon and I... we got into a fight again and I thought... I thought it was gonna get bad 'lina, like real bad."

His forlorn eyes met hers again and Selina felt a tug on her heart strings. She hated seeing Edward like this. Whatever had happened to the normally upbeat and arrogant rogue must've been extremely bad if he was reduced to this, but Selina also knew the skills and talent Jonathan had at picking someone apart psychologically. It was one of the things that made him one of the more dangerous of Gotham's criminals.

"But... I don't know what happened," Edward continued quietly, shoulders hunched forward. "I don't know if Jon picked up on... what I was think of asking him or if it was something else but... he effectively acknowledged that I was his boyfriend before he..." Edward's voice cracked as a new wave of sobs wracked his body. "Before he broke up with me. Who does that? Who acknowledges after two years of being together that they're actually a couple before breaking up with them?"

His tone was laced with anger now, and Selina knit her eyebrows together, trying to formulate a response.

"I don't know," she confessed, deciding to be honest with him.

"Jon does, that's who." Edward bit out his words before he stood up and started pacing. He wiped at his eyes and took a deep breath to steady his nerves. "Fuck I need a drink. Do you have anything?"

"No," Selina said, "and I don't think you should be drinking either. It won't help anything."

"Fuck if I care!" Edward turned on his heel and glared at Selina. "I don't care if it'll help anything in the distant future, what I do care about is getting rid of this damn pain I'm feeling because I was emotionally hurt!"

"I know you were," Selina said, backing up slightly as Edward advanced on her. She slowly reached for the knife that was sitting on the cutting board. She'd been in the middle of fixing dinner for herself when Edward had interrupted her.

"Don't you dare," Edward growled, noticing the movement.

Selina sighed and raised her hands up in surrender. "Ok Edward, but you have to listen to me. Drinking away your problems will only make things worse. I know things hurt right now but you're stronger than this. You're better than this."

"Am I?" Edward's voice softened but it held a touch of bitterness. "Am I better than this? Stronger than this?"

"You are," Selina said, "don't end up like your father."

Wrong thing to say, and Selina realized her mistake too late.

"DON'T YOU EVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN," Edward yelled. "I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT SON OF A BITCH."

"I'm sorry," Selina said, wincing at the raised volume in her small kitchen.

"I'm fucking leaving," Edward bit out, stalking towards the door that led to the hallway. "And I'm going to drink."

"Oswald won't take kindly to you getting drunk at his bar," Selina warned.

"Does it look like I'm going to go to that place?" Edward snapped. "I don't need the whole fucking city to know about what happened. No, I know of somewhere else that I can get drinks."

Edward let out a huff of annoyance as he left Selina's apartment, slamming the door behind him. He could careless if she was going to be mad at him for that later or not. The only thing that was on his mind right in that very moment was the idea of getting very, very drunk. A small part of him knew that Selina was right, getting drunk wasn't a solution to his problems but it would sure as hell numb the feelings he was going through and that was enough to convince Edward to do it.

Stumbling through the back alleys of Gotham, he found his way to the seedy bar he'd discovered years ago when he'd just been starting out on the criminal scene. The place was horrendously dirty but had good cheap liquor for those looking to get drunk quickly, as well as... other things. Yes, Edward mused to himself, perhaps tonight he would drown himself in liquor and sex, there was no other options that sounded appealing to him in that moment.

Edward failed to notice that Selina had followed him and that she was frowning deeply at his chosen place to self destruct. She may not have been able to stop him from going, not at least without getting hurt in the process, but that didn't mean she still wasn't going to stop looking out for him. She opted to leave him for the time being, expecting to find a very angry Scarecrow at her door demanding answers. Perhaps she'd give him one, after she finished carving up his face with her claws.

Feeling considerably more cheerful at the idea, Selina made quick work of heading back to her apartment and not a moment too soon. Not even five minutes after getting back there was a pounding on her door and Selina rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"For fucks sake Jon, I'll be there in a minute!" She hollered, taking her sweet time getting up from where she'd settled herself on the couch and walking over to her front door.

Jonathan paused mid knock as Selina yanked open the door and scowled at him.

"Where's Edward?" Jon had the gall to have a guilty look on his face, which only made Selina madder than she already was.

An indignant hiss came from her before she reached up and slapped him across the face.

"How dare you!" She raged as Jonathan took a step back, eyes wide with shock as he raised a hand to his stinging cheek.

"How dare you come here asking for someone that clearly wants nothing to do with you right now, and how dare you have the nerve to ask me where he is as if you didn't hurt his feelings!"

"So I did hurt him," Jon said in a low voice, a flash of guilt crossed his face.

"Of course you did!" Selina snarled. "And you're lucky that I have enough restraint in me to not claw your eyes out."

"I'd like to see you try, child." Jonathan's face darkened as a hand slipped into his pocket.

"Don't you go all Scarecrow on me," Selina narrowed her eyes. "Ed's not here. He was, but then he left."

"You didn't try and stop him?" Jon mimicked her by also narrowing his eyes.

"No." Selina huffed, "I tried but I didn't want to fight him. That would've been like kicking a man already down and while I normally love doing something like that, I don't do it to people I care about."

She put emphasis on the last few words and smirked inwardly as a look of guilt crossed Jonathan's features again. So the good doctor could actually feel emotions.

"Where is he if not here?" Jon glanced around distractedly. "I need to apologize. It hasn't occurred to me that something mattered that much to him."

"I don't know," Selina crossed her arms.

"You're lying." Jonathan's eye's snapped to hers. "Where. Is. He."

"Like hell I'm telling you if you're going to barge in on him with threats," Selina growled. "Especially since I know how you treat him."

"I-" Jonathan open and shit his mouth. "You know about that?"

"Yes I know about That," Selina retorted. "I know quite a lot more than you think I do, so don't go around acting like I don't."

"I see..." Jonathan thought for a moment. "You're still lying about knowing where he is. You do. Tell me. I promise I won't say or do anything to harm him when I do find him. I just want to make sure he's safe."

"Should've thought about that before you went and fucked shit up," Selina said darkly.

"Selina, I will only ask nicely one more time," Jonathan said. "Where. Is. Edward."

Selina eyed the man in front of her and quickly assessed whether or not if she should tell him where Edward was. There was genuine concern in Jon's eyes as well as worry. She also knew that Jon would not leave until he'd gotten an answer and while normally Selina could wait such behavior out, her greater concern was for Edward. If she was engaged in a stupid dominance battle with Jon, Edward had no one to make sure he was ok after he was done with whatever self destructive binge he was currently on.

"Fine." Selina relented. "But I'm only telling you because I'm worried about Edward, I don't care about anything else, much less how you feel."

"Fine by me," Jonathan said with a shrug. "So?"

Selina told him the address and Jonathan gave a quick nod and a short word of thanks before leaving. Selina shut the door and leaned against it, giving a short prayer that things would go smoothly.

Jonathan eyed the building he was approaching with disgust. It was shabby and barely looked like it was holding up. How on earth had Edward discovered a place like this? He stalked up to the door steeling himself to enter before the door fling itself open and Edward came stumbling out.

Jonathan was quick to grab him before he face planted and he screwed his nose up at the stench of alcohol and sex that clung to the man in his arms.

Edward made a sound of protest and wiggled out of Jonathan's grip, a slurred apology falling from his mouth as he realized who he'd ran into.

"Jonathan!" Edward glared at the other man and took a drunken swing of which Jonathan was able to easily side step.

"Edward darling," Jonathan tried to soothe as he continued to side step Edward's attempted swings.

"Don't 'darling' me," Edward scowled as he took a step forward but misjudged his foot placement and ended up tripping.

Acting on reflex, Jonathan caught Edward and wrapped his arms around the genius that was now struggling to break out of his grip.

"Edward, listen to me," Jonathan said quietly. "I wanted to apologize for what I had said. I was not aware that such things held actual meaning to you as we've been moderately happy with how things had been for the past two years. It was my mistake."

Edward paused in his struggles and peered up at Jonathan's face. Even in his drunken state, he was aware enough to where he knew Jonathan was being sincere.

"Reeaaalllllyyyy?" Edward slurred, still not completely convinced.

"Yes, really," Jonathan said. "Now then, why don't we make it back to our apartment so that I can put you to bed and make you something that'll help with the unavoidable hangover you'll have tomorrow?"

"Can't walk..." Edward muttered, all too happy to be slumped against Jonathan's body. Perhaps he was too quick to accept Jonathan's apology, but he was drunk after all, and apologies were few and far between where Jonathan was involved so even hearing one was enough for even Edward's currently inhibited mind to realize Jonathan was genuinely sorry for his actions.

"Don't worry my dear," Jonathan smirked as he picked Edward up bridal style. Edward yelped and wrapped his arms around Jonathan's neck, causing the taller man to chuckle softly.

"Don't worry, I won't drop you," Jonathan said. "In fact, I don't think I'll be letting go of you for a long while..."

He started to make his way to their shared apartment which he realized wasn't too far away from where they currently where. Interesting, he'd have to make note of it if Edward ever ended up running off to sulk again. Speaking of which... perhaps once he settled Edward into bed he'd pay a visit to whom ever had slept with his partner and touched what was his.

He busied himself with the thoughts of what he'd do to them as Edward let out a snore, completely passed out.

"As expected," Jonathan sighed quietly.

He passed under a half open window, the music drifting down to the street below.

I'm wondering why do all the monsters come out at night? Why do we sleep where we want to hide? Why do I run back to you, like I don't mind if you fuck up my life?

[taww]

First Take Review: Gryphon Essence Preamplifier & Stereo Amplifier

Okay, let’s get this out of the way: with a combined retail of over USD $40k (and that doesn’t include another $6k for the optional Zena DAC module), The Gryphon’s Essence preamplifier and stereo amplifier are by far the most expensive electronics I’ve ever had in my home! They might be the Danish firm’s entry point into separates, but that’s akin to calling a $146k Aston Martin Vantage “entry level.” There was a time in the not-so-distant past when spending such sums of money on stereo gear struck me as pointless excess. Perhaps I’ve been numbed by flipping through too many issues of The Absolute Sound or walking the halls of an audio show; perhaps I’m just entering a life stage (mid-life crisis, anyone?) where I’m allowing myself to indulge in such luxuries. Whatever the case may be, I’ve now had the good fortune of several months with the Essence combo, and despite a number of people prodding me for this review it’s been quite difficult to put into words how they perform. Why? Because every time I sit down to do the “work” of reviewing I just end up getting sucked into the music and forget to do the reviewing bit! But, here goes...

The arrival of the Gryphon components was a case of one thing leading to another. My first experience was when I strolled into Gryphon’s room at RMAF 2018. After being disappointed by so many other mega-buck systems at the show, I was delighted that this one actually sounded like music! Frankly, a lot of über-expensive show systems landed on my ears like amusical hi-fi effects or whimsical fancies of what some people think music should sound like, rather than an actual musical performance. Like other big systems, the Gryphon rig was imposing and fancy-looking, but with a decidedly purposeful, even stark, aesthetic. And the sound - so tangible and luscious, maybe a little dark and brooding, but in a way that connected me emotionally to the recorded performance rather than distracting me with sonic affect. 

At the time I was happily running the Valvet A4 Mk.II monoblocks, and also had @mgd-taww​’s Pass Labs XA30.5 at my disposal. Both delivered the pure and colorful musical flavors of Class A amplification, and both are superb amps. But things got thrown for a bit of a loop when I settled on the Audiovector SR 6 Avantgarde Arreté speakers as my new reference. I had auditioned them at AudioVision SF with the Gryphon Diablo 300 integrated amp ($16k) and the sound gave up nothing to high-quality separates - big, bold and dynamic with tremendous poise and nuance. Coming back to the Pass and Valvet amplifiers (coupled with a Pass Labs XP10 line stage) certainly wasn’t a let-down, but they didn’t have quite the same level synergy with the Audiovectors which sounded more complete and visceral with the Gryphon integrated. 

This combined with the strong aural memories from the RMAF room led to a call to Gryphon’s US distributor, Philip O’Hanlon and Pandora Pang of On a Higher Note. Philip acknowledged that the Diablo was indeed excellent but teased that Gryphon had recently introduced a new line of separates worth consideration. The Essence had just arrived in the States and he had one more set in stock if I were so inclined... and next thing I know, a pallet loaded with what my wife lovingly referred to as “an illegal arms shipment” landed at our doorstep.

Serious crates for serious gear

Like all separates in The Gryphon’s 35-year heritage dating back to the original DM100 amplifier, the Essence line features pure Class A operation with minimal negative feedback, but brings it at a lower price point ($22,990) with more conservative aesthetics and practical packaging. Prior to the Essence, to get a Gryphon amp one had to shell out anywhere from $39k for the Antileon EVO to $57k for the flagship Mephisto (double those if going for monoblocks). The tradeoff is a lower power rating - just 50wpc, albeit in pure class A and doubling into 4 ohms and again into 2 ohms - so you’ll want to pair it with a reasonably efficient speaker. The Essence preamp meanwhile is a repackaging of the Zena preamplifier launched in 2018 (also $17,500), reskinned with cosmetics to match the amp. It features fully balanced operation via a discrete DC-coupled Class A circuit with zero global negative feedback, and can accommodate either of two optional internal modules, the Zena DAC ($6,000) or an MM/MC phono stage ($2,250). Being strictly digital I opted to evaluate the DAC, which I’ll talk about in a later installment. I’ll also save more details about the design and operation of this beautifully-crafted gear, including Gryphon’s unique Green Bias system, for a more in-depth review. For now, let’s get down to the business of how it sounds...

The Essence Preamp

When the Essence components arrived I clearly needed my wife’s assistance to safely unpack and set up the 45kg/99lb Essence amp. But she was busy making reeds for her oboe that evening, so I initially made do setting up the preamp (it weighs in at “only” 13.4kg/29.5lbs) and comparing it to my Pass Labs XP10 with the Pass Labs XA30.5 amplifier.

Firing up the Essence preamp from a cold start was one of those “damn, I don’t understand how a preamp can make this much of a difference” moments. Even though the Pass XP10 is a very solid performer - I find the sound of my PS Audio DirectStream significantly improved by it vs. feeding an amplifier directly - the 3x-as-expensive Gryphon outclassed it from the first note, taking musical resolution from the micro to nano level.

The first thing I noticed was how the entire back of the stage opened up. I never realized how triangular it sounded before, becoming narrower as you went deeper. With the Essence it suddenly feels rectangular and whole, with winds, brass and percussion able to naturally spread out and breath on the stage. It didn’t even take a big orchestral recording to experience this - my very first track was an intimate vocal with piano accompaniment, soprano Elsa Dreisig singing Strauss songs with pianist Jonathan Ware (Qobuz). The sense of the space - a church, as you can see from this video - and where the performers occupied it became strikingly tangible. Piano has starting clarity, with all its complex overtones unfolded and laid out for your ear to sample at its leisure. Dynamic resolution is also unlocked - subtle gradations in vocal intensity flow so organically. Going back to the Pass pre, macro dynamics weren’t Iacking, but the transitions somehow came across more synthetically, as if the volume dial was being turned rather than the performers modulating their instruments in the original performance. 

One thing that didn't change too much was overall tonal balance. I find the Pass pretty neutral and extended, if anything having a subtly warmish character to it, at least by solid state standards. The Gryphon doesn't deviate notably from that, leaning slightly in that direction though with more sophisticated and varied tonal richness and density. The quality of the frequency extremes, however, is a different matter. Most striking is how triangles sparkle and ring with startling presence on the Gryphon. With a claimed frequency response out to 1MHz, the Essence pre delivers the highest highs with a sense of ease and finesse. And the bass is everything people have come to expect from the Gryphon house sound - deep, taut and powerful with beautiful tonality. The Pass Labs wasn’t missing any of the music per se, but the deepest bass notes and highest overtones sounded constrained vs. the effortless and wide-open delivery of the Essence.

So, yeah - a preamplifier that costs 3x as much as the Pass XP10 sounds clearly superior. Not much of a news flash, and a much fairer comparison in the Pass lineup would be the XP32 ($17,500) or at least an XP22 ($9,500). But what took me aback was how a preamplifier like the Essence could bring out so much life and nuance that was being curtailed by an otherwise fine piece like the Pass. The net effect was to make the musical performance feel significantly more tangible, visceral and unclouded - something that even the change of a DAC or amplifier doesn’t consistently achieve. The Gryphon Essence pre is simply an incredible conveyor of the musical signal.

And we haven’t even tried the amplifier yet...

The Essence Amplifier

Once I got my wife to assist in positioning the hefty Essence amp in the cabinet (safety first!), I hooked up the Audiovectors via my usual Audience Au24 SX cables and powered up the Gryphon using the stock power cord (the amp requires a 20A IEC connector, so standard cords won’t work). I played a bit with the Green Bias settings but obviously settled with it in red-hot Class A operation for serious listening. And while the amp has since benefited from multiple months of break-in, it was apparent from its first notes that the Essence had resolution, clarity, dynamics and tonal completeness on an altogether different level from any amp I’ve experienced in my system. But there was something else remarkable about its presentation that’s taken me many months to put my finger on, and I think I might be finally getting it.

The Essence amp has a very special ability to deliver the leading edge of a sound with incredible speed, precision and clarity. I’ve heard amps with fast leading edges (some attribute this to high slew rate), I’ve heard amps with very clean ones (lack of distortion and ringing). The Essence delivers a combination of fast and clean that is truly exceptional, and perhaps close to the state of the art. Every impulse and note attack hits you with perfect timing and delineation, then decay with similarly impeccable control. By comparison, amps like the Pass Labs that struck me as very pure have a bit of fuzz to them. Ever listen to an AM radio station when the signal gets weak, and all the starts and stops of sounds get staticky and fuzzy? There was a bit of that feeling going back to other amps in my system... no, they weren’t literally fuzzy and distorted. It’s just that the Essence amp sounds exceptionally lithe and clean, removing an extremely subtle layer of distortion that became difficult to un-hear in other amplifiers. 

Coming from the Pass XA30.5, the Essence’s midrange was less overtly warm but even more substantive in tone. The Pass is certainly on the warm and lush side for a solid state amp, but past Gryphons I’ve heard had their own dose of chocolatey richness, so I was initially surprised by the balance of the Essence. It has the midrange density and lush tonal colors I was expecting from a Class A Gryphon amp, and yet it also sounds close to dead neutral in character. There’s a crystalline transparency that makes everything else sound a bit cloudy by comparison. Class A amps usually get the tonal part right, but can sound a bit sluggish or rounded dynamically; Class AB amps often have great transient speed but with some roughness around the edges and a bit of tonal hollowness. The Essence backs its exceedingly snappy and clean transients with real tonal substance and an infinite palette of realistic tonal colors. It can simultaneously preserve the gravitas of a string bass ostinato, the glowing warmth of a French horn, the delicate nasality of an oboe and the ethereal lightness of a flute all in balance. Orchestral recordings have never sounded this vivid and realistic in my home.

An interesting display of the amp’s prowess was in violinist Hilary Hahn’s recording of the Vieuxtemps Violin Concerto (Qobuz). The album also contains Mozart’s popular “Turkish” concerto which probably gets most of the plays; the Vieuxtemps is infrequently performed and mostly known by violinists as a sort of advanced student concerto (yes, my teacher made me study it). Vieuxtemps was a Belgian virtuoso of the romantic era and while the concerto has its charms, its orchestration is rather clunky. This actually made for a fascinating sonic experience in the concerto’s orchestral exposition, where different instruments pass melodic fragments back and forth in somewhat disjointed fashion rather than the more cohesive harmonization and counterpoint you’d get from a German master. A flute here, a clarinet there, a timpani roll or violin flourish coming and passing - the Essence conveyed each one with striking clarity and trueness of timbre and dynamics, arranging all the instruments across the stage in perfect proportion. So much of the feel of an instrument lies not just in its tonal makeup but the shape and feel of its notes - the reedy breathiness of a clarinet, the ringing “bong” of a timpani, the firm attack of a trumpet, the brush stroke of a violin. This is where the Essence’s leading-edge precision and lack of electronic haze help it truly evoke the feeling of sitting on the stage with the musicians, each and every instrumental entrance having that tactile realism.

Having been a classmate’s of Ms. Hahn’s I also have first-hand experiences of her playing, and the Essence strongly evoked memories of hearing her performing in recitals or practicing in our conservatory. Though we were both teenagers at the time, she had already developed her distinctive tone and focused intensity, and hearing that reproduced so vividly through the Essence and Audiovector speakers is uncanny.

The frequency extremes of the Essence amp, particularly in combination with the Essence preamp, are also something special - the crazy-wide specified bandwidth of Gryphon components is no joke. The speed and tautness and slam of the bass brings realistic clarity to the foundation of the music. It’s bass that I like to call “sneaky” for the way it doesn’t unduly call attention to itself, but then will come out and smack you in the face as in a live event. Instruments like string bass or contrabassoon are naturally portrayed in the orchestration, rather than getting buried in the mix. The top end is extended and articulate, capable of bringing out all the energy and brilliance of string, brass and percussion instruments, and yet certain recordings that tend towards brightness actually sound warmer and smoother than I've heard before. It sounds so pure and free from distortion, so that if there’s any distortion already present on the recording it does nothing to aggravate it. Sibilants and tape hiss and clipping are still there, yet come across less obtrusively, making them easy to tune out in favor of the music. 

Case in point: the DSD remaster of Strauss Don Juan, recorded in 1958 by the Cleveland Orchestra under George Szell (Qobuz). My wife and I have listened to this recording dozens if not hundreds of times and while the performance is riveting, the recording quality has always been a bit hissy and strident. My wife asked to listen to it again on the Gryphon setup for study purposes and halfway through I remarked, "does this recording sound a lot less bright to you?" She concurred - we had never heard it sound so clean and natural, and for the first time I didn't notice the tape hiss at all. The Gryphon gear really does excel at extracting the essence of the musical performance locked in the recording, neither artificially filtering nor amplifying the distractions of its mechanical limitations. I’ve heard far too many ultra high-end systems that need absolutely pristine audiophile material to sound their best. With the Gryphons, every recording in my collection has never sounded more distinguished and compelling.

The sense of space that the Essence preamp conveyed with other amplifiers becomes even stronger in combination with the Essence amp. I have never heard the different sections of a symphony orchestra arranged so palpably. Winds and percussion have clearly delineated space behind the string section, and delicate clarinet solos that are typically a bit hazy in recordings are conveyed with both clarity and intimacy. There’s something about the Essence’s blend of clean transients, tonal rightness and harmonic resolution that bring out the distinct ambience and texture of each recording - the aural equivalent of the “mouth feel” of a wine. Going back to otherwise excellent amps makes everything feel a bit more homogenous, a hair less stimulating.

There are a couple of potential shortcomings to call out, and they may be interrelated. The first is that the bass in combination with the Audiovector speakers isn’t quite as hard-hitting as with, say, the 600wpc Class D Legacy iv2, or as what I heard with the Gryphon Diablo 300 integrated; nor is it as plump and room-filling as with the Pass XA30.5. Quality-wise it’s exceptional - fast and deep and pitch-perfect in ways they can’t match - but sometimes I just want it to fill out the space a bit more and punch me in the gut a little harder. I mostly miss this when listening to pop tracks, e.g. anything from Billie Eilish where the raw punch of the Legacy amp factors more strongly than the n-th degree of refinement from the Gryphon.

The other nit is that the soundstage, while vividly painted, feels a bit less “generous” than bigger-sounding amps like the Legacy or Pass Labs, or the Gryphon Diablo for that matter. There’s a bit more emphasis on the precise constituency of an orchestra, as opposed to its sheer scale - a little more of the trees, a little less of the forest. To some, this may make the Essence feel a hair light in presentation, despite its rich and layered midrange.  Ears I trust tell me moving up the Gryphon line to the Antileon EVO or Mephisto can give you the best of both worlds, but those are obviously at increasingly exorbitant price points. 

I’ll need to try tweaking these area of reproduction more (e.g. cables), but as it currently stands, I could see the Essence best matching with speakers that are tonally richer and a bit less critically damped on the bottom end, vs. requiring care with something leaner and more laser-focused. It’s slightly lean with some recordings on the Audiovectors, and I’d definitely want to check before paring it with the likes of a Magico. It goes without saying that when you get to this level of fidelity (and cost), you should expect to spend a fair amount of time and effort on component matching.

As a side note, I was able to further extend the capabilities of the Essence via Furutech’s DPS-4.1 power cord (custom built with 20A connectors) and DSS-4.1 speaker cables. These upped the clarity and transparency yet another notch or three, opened up dynamics further and created a wider sense of space on recording after recording. I’ll have more on these excellent cables and how they synergize with the Gryphons in a future installment.

Capturing the Essence

It’s been challenging pinning down the character of the Essence system, the amp in particular. Even more so than other great Class A amps I’ve heard, including from Gryphon, the Essence amp has a combination of purity, openness, refinement, clarity, speed and dynamic life that defy the usual idiosyncrasies and limitations of Class A vs. AB vs. D. It’s dynamically fleet, rhythmically incisive, tonally sophisticated, dimensionally resolving, and sneakily powerful and punchy. In combination with the superb companion preamp, it uncovers a sense of space in virtually every recording I throw at it with greater detail and palpability than I’ve heard before, without seeming artificially holographic like some tube amps. The tonal purity and resolving power of this pair are simply at a level I have rarely experienced anywhere at any price. Moreover, the name “Essence” couldn’t be more apt - all these sophisticated qualities are squarely focused on conveying the beauty and quirks of the original recording without need for enhancement or editorializing to make it enjoyable. The closest aural recollection I have of this sort of musical resolution was the MSB Reference + Magico M3 system at RMAF 2018, which had a significantly superior DAC and a total cost approaching $300k. 

As for the price... well, I can say that the monies spent on a piece by The Gryphon clearly go towards obsessive engineering and craftsmanship in the service of state-of-the-art music reproduction, rather than ostentation or frivolous excess. This is musical fidelity of the highest order, and my new reference in amplification.