#a feeling of complete worthiness thay had nothing to do with people

[nickyelsh]

august came like a child running into traffic

i am finding comfort in my isolation

[stelaernis]

✦ et ﹔ stjaernfall · again, sága sorrows.

i am astronomically tired and just need to vent.

it seems that regardless of what i do, i am not a worthy being of peace. i do not need ' they remind me of x ' or any assumptions that soon become terribly personal. again. i can only change so much. even if i do not want to, i have tried.

for some universe forsaken reason the features pointed out are almost always the ones that ties me to my most fragile attempts at reconnecting; my asian influences. i am thai, i was born thai, but i have almost nothing left of the things that remind me or connects me to it. clinging on to dear life desperate to feel like it is something that i can keep, part of me.

i do not want to change the asiatic dragon horns again. they are one of the most pivotal memoirs to my place of birth. i don't want to rid myself of the orbit / even if i did adjustments so it would hopefully be ' unique enough ' / because it has always been present. and i do not want to be spoken over and told x things fit me better. i have had these for years with backup to everything, and i do not feel like it should be something that i need to justify. ie. given silver with the underlying intention that ' i can have gold, you can have silver '. like people are children fighting over what character is prettier. or put in a situation where i feel awful because i feel comfortable in monochrome but incessantly put in colour for ' exotic ' looks. i just want to hide ?? telling me it does not work with my skin tone broke me.

in my constant grief that comes with vicissitudes both real life and online, i have done alterations. even small ones. i have attempted multiple times to adjust the most profound parts of my branding yet when it comes to my sona, change is the most hurtful. tried to change the horns, tried to change the orbit or remove it completely, changed the hair, the overall silhouette, eyes, colour but it does not work. i have done it to some extent but i cannot do it any more.

i had hoped the subtle adjustments currently would be enough but it seems that it is still not be possible. it's such an irrational thing that i feel like i have no right to be upset by but i do not like when it involves close ones. everything points to me that i am at fault and i will always blame myself regardless of what happens.

i do not have the privilege to quit. but i want to right now.

[tellmenauineo]

colored by you

pairing: mingyu x reader, vernon x reader

genre: soulmate!au, angst, fluff, smut, comedy (at some points)

warnings: mentions of alcholol and weed, language, unprotected sex   

summary: eventually, we fall in love with people who the universe destined us to. but there are complications sometimes. 

word count: 11k (i refuse to comment) 

a/n: tell me what you think even if you found it bad 🤧🤧 i’m in NEED of feedback,, stay safe during the pandemic and feel free to talk to me!! i’m sorta back 🤠🤠

“I'd prefer if you showed more enthusiasm about it. Success is never an accident,” your mother reads you a lesson, a reproach can be heard in her voice. Your sigh, wishing this conversation to be over so you’ll finally be able to hang up your phone. 

“Some people aren't built happy, or cheerful, or forever excited, you know,” you mumble. “I'm satisfied with my academical success – but maybe it isn't a thing I want to achieve now. I don't know.”

“Of course, people aren't built happy – that’s why the Universe made a soulmate for each of us. To make us happy. That's how it works.”

“Uh-huh.”

“One day you’ll understand,” your mother continues. “And you will be happier, happier than ever. Your time will come.”

You won't understand.

The Universe made a soulmate for each of us. The Universe made sure we’ll be aware who is the one, the one, as your mother says, who’ll make you happier and complete, too. It's pretty simple. First words addressing you that you would hear from your soulmate get imprinted on the skin of your ribcage. Close to your heart.

The mechanism of The Universe is perfect. But, sometimes, even perfect-made things get broken.

You won't understand because you already have words tattooed on your skin.

“I guess, we can say love is an accident, isn't it?” you say. “Anyway, I gotta go, mom. I'll call you tomorrow?”

“Sure. Take care of yourself. And don't stay up late.”

“We both know I'm gonna stay up late,” you smile. “Bye!”

It happened in cold January, four months ago.

“Shrimp Pad Thai?” Chan asks you.

“Mm, yes,” you say, fluttering your eyelashes innocently. Chan gasps and raises his eyebrows in a fake disbelief, but you don't let him open his mouth to say something very sarcastic about you and your habits in eating. “I'm your customer, where are your manners? What if I leave?”

“Then you'll leave and won't have our Shrimp Pad Thai which you order five days a week,” he shrugs.

“I'm older than you – pay me respect!”

“I do? Always? Our very important customer who always eats the same,” he playfully sing-songs and you roll your eyes, trying your best not to give him a smile.

“Go and get us food already,” Momo says. “Both of you better not play on my nerves when I'm hungry.”

When the orders are made and Chan leaves to the kitchen, you get up from your seat.

“I'm going to wash my hands,” you announce, and your friend nods at it.

On your way to the restrooms you recognize a bunch of boys sitting at the window booth. Kim Mingyu, Wen Junhui and Jeon Wonwoo – all of them are in Soonyoung’s group of friends. Wonwoo smiles and waves his hand and you return the gesture. You nod at Junhui and Mingyu – who looks incredibly soft and cute in his light-gray hoodie with his rose cheeks – seems that the ramen he is eating is too spicy for him. He gives you a little “hey”, smiling at you, and you immediately feel how your own cheeks turn blushy. To prevent your embarrassment in front of them, you try to speed up, but, suddenly, collide with someone.

“Uh, I can feel my chilli sauce dripping.”

You look up at the source of the voice, Chwe Hansol, the new Soonyoung’s roommate you heard a lot about (and you’re aware that Soonyoung not just can’t stop telling embarrassing stories about you to his roommate, but also shows him your pictures, because yes, in Soonyoung’s words, it’s a crime if you don’t put on display your best friend and your wonderful, a movie-worthy, friendship) and, apparently, there is no bottle of chilli sauce in his hands. A smug smile is playing on his lips and his chocolate eyes are glistening with a mischief.

“Nice try,” you don't hide a hint of a wipe in your voice as you start moving towards the restrooms – you swear a trip to them never took that long.

You catch Hansol's gaze on you on the way back to your and Momo’s booth and you have nothing to do but narrow your eyes at him, making him smile even wider.

“He's cute, though. The Hansol guy I mean,” Momo concludes after you finished your dinner. “But no shit they're loud.”

You cast an eye at their boost. Mingyu is the loudest and the most talkative among them – but, somehow, looking at him telling something, wildly gesticulating, makes your heart melt a little.

Stupid, you think, it's almost close to feeling happy. 

You spot the tattoo when you go to take a shower that night.

Your heart sinks at the sight of the words.

“Uh, I can feel my chilli sauce dripping.”

You don't tell anyone.

“I can take it as an offend, you know,” Soonyoung whines. “You've been turning down my home party offers for more than a month!”

“Um, you haven’t had any,” you say.

It’s true – you try your best to avoid Hansol, and it works even despite the fact he lives with your best friend (sometimes you’re wondering how Soonyoung and Hansol, the pair of complete opposites, rub along okay together, but maybe opposites indeed attract?). You’re not fond of the idea you reduced all your social interactions, but at least you do your huge amount of homework in time – that’s why Soonyoung once called you a homework-doing machine.

Yes, that’s lame.

“It’s because you didn’t come!”

You’re clearly under pressure. You can crack under it a little bit.

Just a little bit.

“Because I-” you forget what you want to say to explain yourself. Or, rather, to fudge up an excuse to trick Soonyoung and keep staying from Hansol as long as possible. “It’s complicated. Besides, your roommate sticks at home for days on end, and if I want to spend time with you I want us to be alone,” you point at him with your pen.

His eyes are getting wider and wider with each millisecond and finally he gasps,

“Are you in love with me?!”

Well.

“What if I am?” you challenge. At the end of the day, that’s the words of the woman who has nothing to lose.

“I-” it’s Soonyoung, who is under pressure right now. “I love you, you know it-”

“But, there’s always a but,” you sigh in a fake manner. “I understand. Maybe I haven’t yearned it yet,” you place your hand over his, and his eyes are glued to your hands. “But, Soonyoung, I want to hear ‘horanghae’ from you someday. Will my dream come true?”

He lifts up his eyes to you. Soonyoung’s known you for over a decade and he clearly can say you’re on the verge of bursting into a hearty laugh despite your dying attempts to keep your face straight. He snaps his hand away and stands up.

“Yah! You betrayed me!” he points a finger at you. “Yah!” he continues in a voice that is a few octaves higher than his usual. “You are gonna pay for your betrayal!”

“Sure thing,” you manage to say through your laugh. You’re well aware that almost all eyes in the campus cafeteria are on you, but it was quite common when the two of you were together. “I’ll see you in court, horangi.” 

You wish you were in court.

Instead, you’re in Soonyoung and Hansol’s kitchen, mixing the sickest possible cocktail ever – and you’re not proud of yourself.

“Why it looks like wiper fluid but tastes like lab alcohol?” Seungkwan asks, wrinkling his nose in disgust. Your mirror his expression.

“Um, the creator would like to take to his own grave the secret receipt of this… shit,” you say.

By the creator you mean Soonyoung. You’re on duty tonight – it’s Hansol and Seokmin’s double birthday party and you’re in charge of everything – your best friend had no mercy for the cafeteria joke.

“Don’t tell me the upcoming birthday cakes have the same creator,” the boy says, patting his blond locks back into place. You assume he was dancing, or, more likely, slamming in the living room, while you hide in the kitchen, still avoiding Seokmin co-star of this night, Hansol.

“Nah, I ordered them in the bakery. Customized ones!”

“You should’ve asked me to bake the cakes,” the third person enters the room, and your heart skips a bit. Mingyu walks towards you and Seungkwan and leans on the counter, still having his eyes on you. “I need to improve my baking skills.”

You feel how your cheeks flushing up. Shit, you curse in your head, he just made an appearance and you’re already turning into mush.

“Next time maybe?” you ask, your voice is much more gentle than usual. “Whose birthday is next?”

“Mine,” smiles Mingyu. “But I don’t want to hold a party this year – wanna share a dinner tete-a-tete with someone.”

“Such a great plan! Except for one thing – you don’t have ‘someone’,” Seungkwan rolls his eyes.

“I’ll find one,” Mingyu’s words are steady but his movements are not. His right elbow slips off the counter, and the boy hisses. “I’m already working on this.”

“Sure thing, tiger,” you smile despite feeling that something is scratching your guts in your belly – disappointment? jealousy? sadness? Maybe all of them and maybe none.

You have a soulmate for fuck’s sake and it’s not Mingyu.

“Whatever,” Seungkwan mutters. “I’m going back to the party and I strongly recommend you to stop hiding here,” he says, looking you right in the eyes. “He won’t bite you, you know?”

“What are you talking about?!” you exclaim, but Seungkwan only shrugs.

“Have no idea.”

You want to follow him, take him by the shoulders and ask about everything he knows about – did Hansol tell him about you? Seems so. Has he, Seungkwan, launched the making of the two of you a couple campaign? If yes, you’re doomed.

Mingyu stops you from storming out of the kitchen – you’re back to the reality with his warm hand wrapped around your wrist and you turn to him in surprise, your cheeks already flushed.

“Yes?” you manage to mumble.

“Who are you hiding from?” he asks, and you almost hear concern in his voice. Or maybe you imagine it all.

“Um- no one? He’s being delusional like always, you know?”

“You sure?’ his hand is getting lower, and unexpectedly you find your fingers intertwining with his. Mingyu’s hand is much larger and warmer than yours, his hold isn’t tight, but it magically makes you forget about the whole the soulmate and his wingman thing.

It makes you forget about everything except for this particular moment – Mingyu’s dark eyes on you, your hand in his and the echo of the music playing in the living room. His bronze skin’s glowing in the dim kitchen light (one of the bulbs is dead and neither Soonyoung or Hansol wants to do something about it), his face is innocent and the only thing you can think about – your uncontrollable desire to kiss off two worry lines between his perfect eyebrows.

You don’t even notice that you’re holding your breath, too afraid to interrupt the moment.

“I’m sure,” you whisper and he nods. Mingyu probably can hear the beating of your racing heart, and you don’t mind at all – you would eagerly tell him how he makes you feel if he wants to know.

He leans closer to you, his breath is tickling the soft skin of your cheek and you hear him ask,

“May I?”

But before you can nod, Seokmin’s piercing voice, like a bolt out of the blue, is calling your name,

“Soonyoung’s trying to kiss me!”

He is louder than any bomb, you think, and that’s enough to take you out of the trance. You slowly turn to him, letting go of Mingyu’s hold on your wrist.

“It’s his way to wish you a happy birthday,” you negotiate, but Seokmin’s gaze is wandering between your and Mingyu’s bodies. His hand follows his eyes, gesturing at the two of you.

“Are you-”

“No, no, no,” you cut him off.

“Man, you need me to get the thing squared away?” Mingyu sounds irritated. You turn your head to steal a look of him. You never saw him like that – at least, not with his friends. Even when his team was defeated at the bowling a month or so ago he seemed worn out, but no hint of irritation on his face – just an exhausted smile combined with a self-mockery behavior. That night you almost regretted saying your wrist was injured so you spent the whole game sipping bubble teas instead of helping your team from sinking to the bottom.

(Jeonghan didn’t buy that spectacular performance, by the way)

“I came to complain?” he looks at you, the eyes so innocent, calling for help, so you smile in response – it’s always like this with Seokmin – the boy can melt even stone hearts.

“Let me check on him,” you say to Seokmin, and he eagerly nods. You pat on Mingyu’s right forearm, your fingers stay on his hard bicep for a little too long, and it makes you lick your lips. “And if he needs to get into bed, I expect some help from you, Mingyu.”

His face softens, and he chuckles, closing his eyes for a second.

“Let’s get it then.”

“I ain’t leaving till I help you with this,” Mingyu says, referring to the apartment that looks like a battlefield (of beer pong). “You already look tired.”

“I’m tired,” you admit. “But you have classes like in…” you check your watch. “…four hours.”

“I’ll sit in the back of the classroom,” seeing the question in your eyes, he adds. “I’ll catch some sleep, don’t worry.”

“Sounds stupid, but I guess nothing would change your mind,” you give up, and a proud smile appears on his face. “The living room is yours then,” you give him an evil smile, your hand lands on his firm chest, patting it twice. “Have fun!”

When you step into the kitchen, a sigh of disappointment leaves your lips, despite your vain attempt to suppress it.

Hansol sits in the white plastic chair, mindlessly scrolling through whichever app is it’s feed. He looks up at you, but he next second his eyes are back on the screen.

Your body feels stiff, like you’re made of wood, but you force yourself to approach the counter. The desire to disappear is so strong that you find yourself not breathing at all – like if you make less noises, the more Hansol is unaware you’re in the same room with him.

You grab a handful of orange peels to throw in the trash can under the sink when you hear Hansol voice, “Why didn’t you throw out all of them?” You turn to the boy, cheeks already red, and anger is bubbling in your stomach. It doesn’t go unnoticed by him, and he lets a hoarse laugh.

“I’m joking, jeez. No need to sulk.”

You don’t return his smile, instead turning away from him to take the leftovers, and say,

“It couldn’t fit in my hand.”

He coos at your words, and you feel stupid.

“Soonyoung was right. You’re an absolute doll.”

“Not impressed,” you roll your eyes, but you feel no confidence in your voice. You face Hansol again, a mischievous glint in his big eyes can be spotted even from across the kitchen. “Your eyes are red,” you notice. “Are you stoned?”

“Maybe so,” he yawns, stretching out in the chair that is about to crack under his weight at any minute. “I don’t mind you tucking me in, though. You seem to be a pro.”

“Well, don’t overdo it,” you say. “The scientists say weed makes people stupid.”

“And affects their memory,” he adds. “But it makes me copy.”

“With what?”

Hansol shrugs and his gaze falls to his knees. He radiates hesitation, and you gulp the pulse in your throat, afraid to hear the truth.

“With me being avoided by my own soulmate like I’m sorta of a plague? Sorta.”

A wave of pure heat that feels like a fever, a bad fever, runs through your body. The whole soulmate thing was supposed to be a blessing, but it feels like a curse. Without thinking, you pathetically mumble,

“I thought you don’t care.”

You really did. For the last few weeks you’ve been living in the bubble made of your own sorrows, disappointments, and self-pity, and the thought of what Hansol feels and thinks about it never crossed your mind.

“Whatever,” he says. “I got your point.”

Hansol doesn’t wait for the unspoken words that are stuck in the back of your throat, ringing in your ears over and over as you watch him leaving the kitchen. He stops at the doorframe with his hand in his dark locks – it’s so odd to see him not wearing a beanie – and slowly turns to you.

“Leave this shit to Soonyoung,” he says.

“Okay,” you mutter.

He calls your name, shooting the arrow of guilt right into your heart.

“Goodnight.”

“Night.”

When Mingyu returns to ask where he can find another bag for trash, you cling to the boy’s chest, and skipping all the questions on the tip of his tongue, Mingyu clasps his arms around you. His chin is snuggling upon your head and you feel pressure inside of the bubble reducing a little.

But a tremendous guilt envelops you with each minute.

Momo stares at your figure as you sit across her – your hair cascading down onto your hunched shoulders, your face is covered with your hands, and the girl only huffs.

“Should I expect some fake sobs?”

You spare a fiery glance at her, but she just waves you off in dismisal. Momo doesn’t even trying to hide her irritation with you – the first thing she asked you after you finally had decided to spill the whole situation to her was ‘Could you have taken any longer to tell me?” and you can’t blame her.

“Yah, leave these tricks for your future sweetheart Sollie. I’m not buying it.”

“He is not my future sweetheart,” you argue. “It doesn’t work!”

“Because you never gave it a chance,” she isn’t convinced, and her stern tone makes you consider the words more carefully.

“He hates me now!”

“First, you deserved it. No offense. Second, he seems like a crackhead, such people don’t hate other people, they just don’t care about them.”

“Don’t talk about him like that!” you exclaim, and her face breaks into a triumphant smile. “What?”

“Look at you, already defending your soulmate,” she says in a saccharine voice. “Ask him out and fall in love. Choose life. Choose a loveseat coach.”

“Isn’t it from Trainspotting movie?” you question, narrowing your eyes.

“And what about it?” she huffs once again. “It doesn’t make me wrong. It always starts with a crush. Just let it happen.”

A crush, huh? A crush that makes your heart beats harder; that sends you floating in your daydreams; that makes you the happiest person in the whole universe, but at the same time has the power to make you sadder than the most distant and loneliest star from the Sun?

Just like the one you have on Mingyu?

Momo still doesn’t know how you feel about the tall, black-haired boy, and you aren’t ready to tell her the truth. Partly because you want to protect this thing from the outer world, make it special, make it a secret that can be kept by the two only, and, partly because you’ll face the wall of misunderstanding. You could fool around with the boys before, but now you’re certain with the one who is destined for you. And you can’t – you shouldn’t – seek for another lover. It’s wrong.

The ability to make all your problems yourself will never fail to amaze you.

“Fine,” you say through gritted teeth. “If you’re so smart.”

“I could’ve been your mother, though. You should follow my every word.”

“Momo, we literally were born in the same decade,” you sigh, but the girl has no intention to follow any of your words.

[mingyyuu 17:13] it’s so cold today!! stay inside  🖤

[you 17:14] too late :// plans!!

[mingyyuu 17:16] any plans for tomorrow?

[you 17:16] not yet

[mingyyuu 17:17] now you have some!

 The boy continues to type, but you have to put the phone in the back pocket of your jeans – you’re awkwardly shifting your weight from one foot to the other at the doorstep, not able to say anything – even a small ‘hello’.

“Soonyoung’s at the dance practice,” Hansol breaks the silence.

“I know his schedule better than he does,” you can’t help but roll your eyes. “I came for your soul.”

Hansol raises his brows, his eyes never leave yours as he steps aside to let you in. The boy helps you with your jacket, and you mutter a small ‘thank you’, hoping he’ll take the initiative, even despite the fact it’s you who came to talk.

“How are you doin’?” maybe it’s a soulmate thing to read each other’s mind? You look at Hansol and you have a feeling that you’ll never be able to go through the guard around him and straight to his head. His expression is neutral, and you admit that he doesn’t even need to try look beautiful.

“Nothing much,” you response. “What ‘bout you?”

“Okay. Wanna drink something?”

“A pepsi please?”

“We only have a few cans of coke, do you wanna?”

You already feel strange of that crazy amount of questions for the beginning – the situation becomes more and more awkward that you’re able to feel the pressure of the air in the room. Your temples pulse a little, threating a headache.

“Nah, I’m fine then,” you say, taking a deep breath. “I came here to say I’m sorry and-”

“And?”

“Do you think we should be together?”

“It how it works,” he lets out a dry laugh. Hansol looks down to your face, his hand reaches out to stroke your shoulder. “Hey, you okay?”

The grip on your temples is too tight to bear, and you let out a heavy pant.

“My head hurts,” you explain, squeezing your eyes shut – the light is too bright.

“You need to lie down,” Hansol says. “It’s probably because the temperature difference between inside and outside. I’ll bring painkillers to Soonyoung’s bedroom.”

You nod, heading off to the bedroom. What a great wat to talk - show up at someone’s doorstep just to say you have a headache. Great. Not bothering yourself with discarding your clothes, you collapse stomach-down onto the bed without removing the cover, your face is buried in the soft material.

“Shit, you’ll suffocate if you stay like this,” Hansol’s deep voice wafts on your ears. You slowly lean on your elbows to steal a glance at him. After placing the glass of water and the blister of painkillers at the night stand, he gets down on his haunches, his eyes at the same level as yours. You stay like this for some time, not saying a word, mesmerized by his face.

“What did you do before I came?” you ask out of sudden. Hansol seems to be taken aback with your question.

“Tried to make some music,” he gawks, blinking at you.

“Really?” you ask in a low voice.

“Mostly checked the mic with some ‘yeah’s’ and ‘yo’s’”, he admits, an amusing laugh escapes his mouth. “I’ll try to do something while you’re resting, good?”

You nod you head and smile at him. He gently squeezes your shoulder and stands up. Before he disappears out of the bedroom, you say,

“Do you have any siblings?”

He turns to you, leaning back against the wall.

“Yeah. I have a little sister. You?”

You shake your head no and he nods.

“But it was easy to guess you’re not the only child, though,” it’s difficult to see his face in the darkness, but your eyes never leave him.

“How so?”

“You offer a compromise when it's unnecessarily,” you sniggle. “A man of settled habits.”

You see his wide smile in the dark.

 You force your eyes open and sit up in the bed, your hair disheveled and slightly damp at the back of your neck. Headache has gone, at least for now, but your throat feels dry. When you come to the kitchen, you see the note in Hansol’s infamous unsteady handwriting left on the counter:

you can find pepsi in the fridge!

You smile at the gesture and inside you sense warmth.

 You knock at Hansol’s bedroom door twice and after the boy calls out for your entry, you slip through the door.

Hansol sits at the table, bobbing his head in time with the song that hums from the speakers. His eyes are glued to his laptop, the headphones rest above his ears.

“Does the work go smoothly?” you ask, sitting at the corner of his bed. He turns to face you; a soft smile is playing on his lips.

“Yeah, it’s okay. There are many things that I think I’m lacking in, but I work on them,” he says in a serious tone. “But I’ve finally finished the song that had been haunting me for weeks.”

“Oh, that’s great!” you beam at him.

“Your snoring from the next room inspired me,” he places his hand over his heart. “I’ll be forever grateful for that.”

You lightly kick his calf, and the boy laughs. Rubbing the tiredness out of his eyes, he draws his attention back to you.

“Feel better?” he asks.

“Yeah,” you answer. Nodding, Hansol notices your gaze focusing on the screen of his laptop. There’re the unknown for you tools placed on his table, except for the microphone, of course, and you’re wondering what kind of music he’s into.

“Wanna hear it?” he asks, once again showing his amazing ability to read your mind.

“Yes!” you hearty nod. “Want my headache to be back.”

Hansol rolls his eyes, muttering a small ‘sure’ under his breath, and places the mouse cursor over the play button. The speakers are small, but even despite it you sense the music vibrate through your body. The beat is harsh, his voice is piercing, and it feels like the most Hansol’s thing he could’ve ever done, but at the same time you’ve got an inkling that the tune and the lyrics were created by his mysterious twin.

“You really made this?” your eyes are wide and your hand clutches hold of his wrist.

“Yeah,” he hums nervously, bringing his free hand to rub at the back of his head.

“It’s good! I can’t believe you haven’t signed a ten-million dollars contract yet!”

“You heard just one song,” he smiles in a protest. “Thanks anyway.”

“I’m right, though,” you say, your hand leaving his as you smile at him. “You should be a star! I can’t say what I liked about it ‘cause I don’t know anything about music, but the whole thing is perfect!”

He looks up to you, your cheeks flushed with passion and your eyes glisten as candles burn bright, and it brings a proud smile on his lips.

“You’re beautiful,” he blurts.

“You’re beautiful too,” your words are sincere, filled with pure appreciation you have for this melted chocolate eyed boy. The idea of you frightened of meeting him a few hours ago seems like a pure absurd right now – when the two of you sit that close to each other, you having a string of questions to ask him about his life, interests, hopes and dreams, and on your tongue the whole story of your life is tingling to be uttered at the same time.

“It was unexpected,” he chuckles. “Thanks again.”

“Thanks for the pepsi,” you return. “I thought you had only coke?”

“Um, I went to the convenience store across the street while you were asleep,” he says, his eyes are wandering on the wall. You can hardly take a breath.

“You shouldn’t have,” you say.

“It’s not a big deal,” he shrugs. Nodding, you slip off his bed and go toward the window. Leaning your forehead against the cool glass, you take a deep breath.

“Is Soonyoung still at the practice?” you ask, your voice is low.

“I guess,” Hansol perches at the windowsill. “I kinda lost track of time.”

You feel the heat his body radiates. Theoretically, you think, you find him somewhat sexy, really manly. His long scraggy neck, broad shoulders, a spectacular torso you can notice even under his oversized t-shirts, and athletic thighs. A month ago, your informant told you that Hansol barely shows up in the gym, and you wonder if the boy was gifted with capability of being perfect without even trying.

And still, he isn’t Mingyu, who makes you feel being in love.

You want to tell Mingyu the truth about your wrong destiny, your aching heart that can be healed with his smile only, and the feeling of your stomach filled with butterflies. You want him to hold your hand, pushing all the doubts and fears away, and make you his. His, despite the cruel joke The Universe played on you.

You think, you have a feeling, he would understand it, because he believes in strength of choice. Mingyu is in a constant state of moving forward, overcoming all obstacles he might face.

Would it be the first time when he stops?

 You and Hansol both stay silent till the whole apartment echoes with Soonyoung’s ringing voice.

“Woah, I like the pictures!” Mingyu approves with a hum, adjusting something on his camera. “They’re perfect.”

“Because they’re pictures of me or because it’s you who took them?” you smile, a playful glint in your eyes as you nudge him.

“Let me think,” the boy stops in his tracks, his brows furrow in a fake manner, indicating he is absorbed in his thoughts. “Both.”

“Wow,” you play along, shaking your head and pressing your lips together. “Groundbreaking.”

He giggles and slides his arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him.

“Wish I could tickle you right now, bit your jacket doesn’t give a chance.”

You shove off his hand and see a small pout forming on his plush lips.

“It’s my protection from pervs like you, Mingyu,” you smile innocently, casting sheeps eyes on him.

“Pervs don’t ask for a permission,” he opposes matter-of-factly. You raise your brows at him in question, and it doesn’t take long for him to explain. “Let me kiss you.”

You raise your head at Mingyu to see him smiling down at you with shining eyes, his cheeks are glowing from the frosty air.

“Go ahead,” you smile, and he leans down and kiss you. His lips are warm and sweet, and you never expect to feel care through a kiss as his mouth is covering yours. His hand cups your cheek while the other is placed tightly at the base of your neck. You trace your tongue against his lower lip, his tongue is eager to meet yours. You tease the inside of his mouth, and Mingyu lets out a small groan, which is enough to bring you to senses, and you break the kiss.

“We’re outside, Guy,” you softly remind him, your grip at his forearms is loosen.

“And so?” he whines, tugging at your sleeves to keep you body close to him.

“And we’re late,” you try to reason, but frankly speaking, you better would have stayed in the previous position you shared with Mingyu than going anywhere. “Let’s go. The sooner we start, the sooner we leave.”

The idea of karaoke night seemed promising, to say at least, but with Seungkwan occupying the microphone and Seokmin taking the guise of being his bodyguard, preventing any attempt of borrowing the tool out of his hands, ebullience faded into despair.

Jun is scrolling through his phone, and you find it okay; Soonyoung is busying himself with fourth bowl of ramen in a row, and it begins to worry you; Jihoon is yawning in thirsty eight second intervals, and the fact of you really counting begins to worry you; Mingyu’s playing with your hands, his head rests against your shoulder, you find it normal too.

You toy with his dark hair and lower yourself to whisper in his ear.

“Take me out.”

“Your wish is my command,” Mingyu smiles with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. He straightens up off the sofa and extends his hand to you. You stretch out your own hand and place it in Mingyu’s warm palm.  

After wrapping everyone, except for Seungkwan who is too absorbed in the singing and waves the two of you off in dismissal, for a goodbye hug, you go downstairs to put the clothes on.

“Stop staring,” you say to Mingyu, catching his gaze in the mirror, a smile parts your lips. You pull up the hood of your jacket and turn to the boy.

“Can’t help it,” he admits, reaching out and tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear. His thumb is stroking your cheek gently, and he leans to steal a kiss from your lips.

“Oh, shit,” Seungkwan says, puckering his face into a frown. “Came to say my goodbye, but this,” he gestures at the two of you.

“Grow up,” Mingyu shrugs his shoulders. Seungkwan’s glare bores a hole right through your head, and you can only silently pray for him to not allow his anger  upstage his reason.

“Seungkwan, please,” you say. “Let’s talk about it later.”

“Sure,” the younger boy rolls his eyes. “It’s not me who you should talk to, though.”

“What’s the problem?” Mingyu groans in frustration.

“I don’t know. What’s your problem?” Seungkwan scoffs, shifting his gaze from Mingyu to you and back to Mingyu again.

“It’s none of your business,” you snap. “I’m not in the mood for one of your soap operas.”

You storm out of the building, your blood is boiling with the mixture of anger, fear, and realization of all things you used to have fell to pieces in a matter of seconds.

“Hey, wait,” Mingyu grabs your hand, and you stop, too afraid to look at him. “What’s the matter?”

You’re struck by an incredible sense of fear, of confusion, of vulnerability, but you finally have to face the reality.

“The problem is,” you sigh. “Hansol is my soulmate.”

“Don’t cry,” Soonyoung tries to conciliate you, his hand is rubbing against your back, and he tightens the embrace. “I’m here for you.”

At this point, you even hate yourself for the damp spot on his sweatshirt made with your tears. You want to concentrate on Soonyoung’s words uttered in a small voice, almost whispering, but as you think about Mingyu, about how on his face thoughts and feelings seemed connate – his pained stare said everything, – standing in front of you, you feel a sharp pain in your heart.  

“Do you despise me?” your voice sounds desperate.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t ask such a shitty question to my best friend,” he says. “You’re the best.”

You laugh bitterly. Soonyoung treats you too nicely – without asking why you’d been keeping so many secrets from him till this night, rebuking Seungkwan for standing guard over Hansol’s feelings, promising Mingyu will pay dearly in the nearest future for his superior sense of morality or whatever.

“What about Hansol?” you ask him, your eyes still are full of tears and pain, but you force a small smile.

“Will kick him out,” his voice is firm, and you sink your face into the soft material of his cloth, suppressing a bigger smile that threats to appear on your lips.

“Soonyoung, I’ve made four enemies this year, and it’s only the end of February,” your voice is muffled as you keep pressing your face onto the boy’s chest. “Momo, Mingyu, Hansol, Seungkwan – all of them hate me for being stupid, for not telling the truth, for being a bitch, for-”

“Shh. It’s their problem, not yours. It’s them who won’t survive ‘cause they made enemies of us. Listen to me,” he calls your name, making a passionate appeal. “We’re undefeatable, you and me.”

You lift your head at him, finding him keeping his eyes on the ceiling in a dramatic way, and you snicker. His lips twist into a broad smile, and he looks at you.

“They don’t hate you,” he says. “Life is complicating, so are we. They know about it.”

You meet Mingyu at the library. There are dark circles beneath his eyes, and he’s surprisingly quiet.

“Seungkwan said Hansol fell for you only after Soonyoung’s countless ramblings about you. He indeed stared at your pics, I suppose.”

He’s in pain.

You feel empty inside; a terrible anguish seizes your heart.

“Do you feel the same about him?” an involuntary question slips off his tongue.

You want to say it’s him, it’s only him who made you fall, who made you feel at ease, who made you want to give and not just to take, but you can’t.

He waits for a response you’ll never be able to come up with.

This night you cry yourself to sleep.

Weeks go by.

The three of you – you, Hansol, and Soonyoung – glue your eyes to the television set placed at the wall of the boys’ living-room. Watching different tv series with them somehow has turned into therapy sessions – despite experiencing triggers at almost everything that is shown, you feel you’re not alone. The two of them act like nothing happened, and all of you are ready to meet your soulmates someday.

But, if nothing happened, why Mingyu’s name is forbidden from saying out loud because it would fill you with pain?

“You have popcorn crumbs on your shirt,” you notice, pointing at Soonyoung with the remote in your hand.

“I preferred watching tv to reading books when i was younger,” the boy says, dusting the crumbs off his torso and lap.

“And it shows,” you tease. Soonyoung gives you a light pinch on the side and straightens up with a huff.

“I’m going to bed,” he announces. “The bathroom is occupied for the next thirty minutes.”

Hansol nods and bids Soonyoung goodnight as you blow him a kiss – his laughter never fails to boost your mood.

“Resuming?” you ask Hansol. “I’m not sleepy.”

“Neither am I.”

It’s completely dark apart from the television’s dim yellow glow. Somehow, you find yourself being distracted by almost everything – the pattern of the wooden floor, the material of the couch, the streetlamp right outside the window, the plant that is going to die soon due to Soonyoung and Hansol’s lack of care.

Hansol.

His eyes flicker in your direction, catching you staring at him. You don’t look away.

“Am I more interesting than the show?” he asks, not expecting you reply with a quiet ‘yes’. A blush coloring his cheeks can be spotted even in the poorly illuminated room.

“You’re so shy sometimes,” you remark in a low voice. “You didn’t seem so when I first met you.”

“I felt some courage out of nothing,” he shakes his head, his long and slender fingers tapping his knees. “When I saw you.”

You sigh. How the Universe can be broken? Maybe you’re broken?

“I read that if you’re dealing with schizophrenia your emotions are mixed up – you feel something you shouldn’t have felt and express something you don’t feel.”

“Scientific facts again, huh? You’re referring to me?” he grins.

“To myself, I guess,” there is no smile at your features as you sigh. “Or maybe it’s – I don’t know, to be honest.”

“Hey, I know its not gonna work but I’ll say it anyway,” he reaches out his hand to yours and gently squeezes it. “Don’t think shit about yourself. Don’t say shit,” he pauses. “When the words appeared I was surprised, no shit. But as I find out more and more things about you, all of it start to make sense. I don’t want anyone’s words but yours on me. That’s it. That’s the thing I feel.”

He’s beautiful, you think, very beautiful.

Your eyes wander over his face and finally stop at his lips. The contour of his mouth is perfect – Hansol’s lips aren’t plump, but neither are thin – just perfect – and the little bruise on his lower lip makes you unable to brush your overwhelming desire to have a lick over this exact spot. You hesitate – and even now the image of Mingyu settles on you.

But when you feel Hansol’s lips on yours, you let him in. He claims your mouth passionately, and you slide your hands into his hair, pulling on his locks, and he groans in your mouth. When you pull back for a moment, your eyes flooded with haze, Hansol traces his thumb over your slick with his spit lips, sending a shiver down your spine. He leans onto you again, his lips ghosting over yours, the redolent scent of his musky cologne makes your head even more dizzy.

“I want you,” he whispers into your lips, his voice is cracking.

“You can have me,” you breathe out, closing your eyes as his lips decorate your neck in sloppy kisses.

You can have me, but can you have my heart?

The question finds lodgment in your mind.

You might lose the thing you love the most, but life goes on… and here we stand.

You’ve discovered you’re an excellent pretender.

Pretend you think nothing of going without sleep for several nights and then attend your classes. Pretend you’re not tired. Pretend you like the tasteless dish in the restaurant Momo brought you to. Pretend it’s not painful to be in the same room with Mingyu. Pretend you love Hansol back.

“My legs are killing me,” Seungkwan whines. “I just don’t know how much more of it I can take.”

Same, you think, fucking same.

“Wait a little more and I’ll buy you a hotdog,” Mingyu promises, looking over his shoulder to see you wearily stagger behind them. The combination of the three of you is weird, you find, but life goes on, isn’t it?

It’s May, and the three is you are stuck in Ikea’s mazes – Mingyu needs to buy some new furniture – this is what brings him to the mall, but also Mingyu needs someone to keep him company – and this is what brings you and Seungkwan to the same place. Mingyu calls your name, and you lift your head, furrowing your eyebrows in a question.

“You good? How ‘bout a few hotdogs after?”

“And milkshakes,” Seungkwan adds.

“Just an ice cream please,” you mumble, and he nods. Sometimes it’s so awkward – to be around him. Sometimes it’s natural. But mostly it’s painful.

 Standing in the parking lot, waiting for Mingyu and Seungkwan while they’re stuffing the things Mingyu bought into the trunk of his car, you dumbly watch the ice cream steadily dripping down your hand.

Damn.

No ice cream can help you feel good even a bit. 

You enter Hansol’s bedroom and find him at the wooden floor, lying on his back, eyes closed. With his arms and legs splayed out, he reminds you a giant starfish.

“Are you even breathing?” you chuckle, bending over him.

“I am,” Hansol smiles, his eyes stay closed, and he taps slightly on his chest. “C’mere.”

You oblige, your head nestle against his chest, and you hear his steady heartbeat. He wraps his left arm around you and inhales deeply.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes out of sudden, and you turn your head to look at him. “The first words were stupid, and you’ll have them for forever.”

“Suit us very well,” you poke, and he sniffs, reaching out to slightly pinch your cheek. “Hey! Stop!”

Hansol laughs, squeezing you tighter, and the sound of his slow and steady breathing lulls you to sleep. Your gaze is directed at the ceiling as you try to fight against sleep. “You’re so composed, but also so goofy, but also so delicate,” you sigh, thinking out loud as your fingertips trace up and down the soft skin of his wrist. Hansol’s warm. “But the first words were wacky,” you chuckle. “What’ve done to deserve them?”

“It was Russian roulette, baby,” he hums, and you can hear him smiling.

You fall asleep like that. You dream about buying the beige sofa you saw in Ikea and Mingyu’s endless attempts to change your mind – the green one is a way better, he insists. The green one would suit the interior perfectly, you agree with him, but the beige one is so classy, and maybe even a little obligatory? Every apartment should have one, but Mingyu only shakes his head in frustration.

“I'm not sure you’re one hundred percent positive about what you’re convincing me of,” he purses his lips.

Dreams that are hardly can be distinguish from reality are exhausting. You wish there was a way to put this worry to bed once and for all.

“Okay, so the concept of your birthday party is dubstep,” you verify. “And the main dish excepted for a barbeque duck is an ice cream cake?”

“I scream, you scream, gimme that ice cream,” Soonyoung’s enjoyment is evidenced by his wide smile. You playfully roll your eyes, not really hiding the excitement you share with him.

“Why do I feel that we’re constantly hanging out at birthday parties?” Hansol asks, peering at his phone screen, not bothering to straighten his head from its bending position.

“Because our friend group is too huge for people our age,” you make a point.

“It’s so expensive to have a lot of friends,” Soonyoung complains, but when he meets your questionable gaze, he adds. “But for you, my bestie, money’s no object.”

“Good to know,” you laugh, your fingers leisurely run above the rim of the empty cup of matcha latte. “I’m more upset about my dear boyfriend didn’t show any interest in volunteering at preps for the party.”

Hansol smiles, tapping on his phone, his eyes are anchored on the screen, and you narrow your expression at him, shaking your head in a scolding manner.

“And now he pretends he doesn’t hear me,” you say. “Wonderful, isn’t it?”

Hansol’s face brightens and broadens out into a beaming smile, and the sound of Soonyoung’s giggles fills the air.

“I’ll ask Seokmin to help you,” the older boy suggests, and you raise your eyebrow at him.

“I know you’re saying it for the best of reasons, but Seokmin rather is a distraction than a help,” you debate, and Soonyoung raises his small hands in surrender, his eyes becoming crescent-shaped due to his laugh.

“Okay, I’ll send backup,” he promises. “At the end of the day, Mingyu’s good at cooking and cleaning.”

It would’ve been hard for him not to realize he put his foot in his mouth mentioning Mingyu as the mood tensely shifts. You freeze, alike Hansol, his thumb is hovering over the phone screen for seconds. Soonyoung offers you an apologetic smile, and you smile at the boy back, reassuring him it’s okay – he really did nothing wrong. Hansol’s avoiding your questioning gaze, hiding his eyes behind his curly bangs, and you gently brush a section of his hair from his face, wanting to see him clearly.

“Are you jealous, Sollie?” you try to joke, a soft smile playing on your lips, your hand placed on his cheek. As he raises his eyes at you, nerves are evident in them, your heart sinks, and you feel breathless. He won’t ask you if he should be, he won’t make any scenes – but he may shut himself off, locking his feelings deep inside, and you fear it the most. You don’t mean to hurt him, but you’re still providing him a good amount of pain – he isn’t an idiot who can’t figure out that Mingyu’s never really left your heart.

“No,” he simply says. “I’ll help you with everything.”

“You’re a bigger distraction than Seokmin for me, but how can I say no to my sweet boyfriend?” you take his offer, your thumb is stroking his cheek, and the action soothes away the tension he has. Hansol smiles gently at you, and for a second, you’re wondering if he is as good at pretending as you are.

“How did you manage to rent this beach house?” Soonyoung asks in a pure awe. “Such places are always booked!”

“Nothing’s impossible when you love your friend,” you muse. “Besides, thank Hansol – he used his “music industry contacts” to make you happy.”

“Hey, you insult me using air quotes around ‘music industry contacts’,” Hansol slides his arm around your waist, tugging you closer to him, and places a quick peck on the tip of your nose. You stab him in the chest with your index finger, and he fakes a gasp.

“Eavesdropping?” you ask.

“Learning a lot about me,” he grins and draws his attention to the birthday boy. “Like the party?”

“No shit,” Soonyoung laughs. “I’ll like it better if you dance with me,” he says your name, his eyes sparkle brighter than colorful lights blasting through the house.

“Anything for a five stars rate.”

You’re out of breath, the clothes stick to your covered in sweat body, and you wince.

“I’m done,” you announce to Soonyoung, his batteries fully charged as he continues his active dance.

“Get some fresh air and come back!” he yells over the music, and you nod. Crossing the room to the back porch, you spot Hansol in the corner, talking to Joshua and showing the older boy something on his phone screen. Unnoticed, you go directly to the shore until the music of the party drowns in the sound waves, and inhale warm salty air. The water seems so tempting, calling you to step into the waves, their rhythm is hypnotizing you, and you kick your shoes off, perfectly understand the night water is too cold for swimming.

A familiar voice stops you, calling your name. You turn around, greeted with Mingyu’s tall figure, shining like a bronze statue, his tanned skin sheens magical when graced by the evening sun.

“Why do you always tend to sneak out?” he asks, once he made it up to you, a warm smile already crept onto his mouth as he saw you.

“I don’t know, maybe I just like being in crowds,” you shrug your shoulders – it’s true. You really don’t know the answer. He moves closer to you, and you finally spot a small bouquet in his hand. His eyes follow yours, and he chuckles.

“It’s for you,” he shyly passes you the flowers, his teeth press into his bottom lips. “I passed by those wildflowers on my way here and picked them for you.”

“It’s not my birthday,” you laugh. “But thank you, I love it,” you say, nuzzling your nose against the tender petals. You look up at the boy and lock your eyes with his, a tickling feeling spreading in your chest. The waves are lapping on the peaceful and quiet shore, but you feel electricity surging through your body. You stand on your tiptoes and place a delicate kiss on his soft cheek, the action is innocent, but for Mingyu it’s like hearing a starting whistle.

“You’re still in my thoughts,” he breathes. “Still here,” he reaches over to grab your hand and place it over his chest, and through your fingertips you’re able to feel his rapid heart. Tears are starting to form at the rim of your eyes, and your vision becomes blurred. Your fingers crawl into the flowers he gave you, pressing against the vulnerable stems. “It’s egoistic, I know, you’re dating my friend, your soulmate, but why does it feel like you’re mine?”

“I don’t know,” you sob. The next second you find yourself against his firm chest and you inhale his scent that feels like home. Not a place where you live, but home. He plants a kiss to the crown of your head and puts his hands on your shoulders.

“Look at me,” the golden boy suddenly says. “Please.”

You look up at him and see his eyes briefly dropping to your lips, and despite yourself you feel that familiar tingling in your gut, wanting him to kiss you. He reads you like an open book and he is kissing you, his lips softly press against yours, a tender flavor on your tongue.

“Mingyu,” you whisper in a small voice, pulling out from him. “I can’t. I can’t do this to Hansol.”

The boy looks at you with a pained expression, and in his eyes you can see that he wishes he didn’t have a heart at all.

“I’m sorry, angel,” he mutters, and you nod your head, your heart is swelling at the nickname.

“I know. I’m sorry too.”

You lock yourself up in the bathroom, hoping no one saw your state while you were hurrying upstairs. Suddenly, someone tries the handle, but it jingles with no success.

“It’s occupied!” you try your best to sound calm, but your voice is trembling.

“It’s me,” Hansol’s muffled voice leaks through the door. “Let me in.”

You turn the lock and face Hansol, your eyes are all red and watery from crying. The boy locks the door behind him and turns to face you, his piercing eyes burn right into your soul.

“You love him,” he says, too delicate to torture you with questions, and you feel even worse – if it’s possible – paralyzed with fear and regrets, guilt eating you inside out, and you swallow the lump in your throat. You let out a wet sob, not being able to look into his sad eyes.

You broke his heart.  

“I’m sorry, Sol,” you say, feeling powerless, loss for words to say to him, to explain yourself, to apologize. “I don’t know what should I do. I don’t know what should we do.”

“If he makes you happier than I could,” he looks above your head. “I’ll accept it someday.”

“You don’t deserve this,” you say, feeling so stupid, only wishing that the floor would open up and swallow you.

“Maybe soulmates aren’t bond only by romantic shit,” his deep voice comes to you through the mist. You don’t ask him to give you a chance, don’t change his mind – maybe this painful reveal of the truth will make your heart feel a little bit lighter one day, even if right now you’re sure this is never going to happen.

You don’t complain and do not want pity from anyone – you’re sick and tired of Soonyoung tiptoeing around you, trying to keep you from collapsing; of the silent treatment Seungkwan gives you, scornful looks he spares you every single time you see him get you to another level of anger; of a constant scratching sense of guilt you’ve been racked with since your break-up with Hansol, but somehow he never blames you even if he should; of Momo dragging you to the shop malls and making you keep shopping until you cheer up.

Of you can’t getting up the nerve to answer any of Mingyu’s calls, too afraid of something you can’t even describe.

Momo’s straight face catches you off guard, and you only gasp,

“He what?! No, no, no,” you shake your head in disbelief. “You’re making this up.”

“What for?” the girl rolls her eyes back deep into their sockets. “Mingyu invited you to his picnic party or whatever through me cause you’re too deaf to pick up your phone, nothing special.”

“Will you come with me?” your eyes meet hers in the bathroom mirror, your expression makes Momo give you her infamous crinkly-eyed smile.

“He didn’t ask me to come – only you,” she purrs, taking her lip gloss out of the small bag. “He’s so fucking in love with you, you little witch.”

“I-” you stutter, the crimson red blush spreads across your cheeks, and Momo laughs and gives you a playful shove.

“Don’t you dare to say no,” she warns. “You’ll deal with me.”

“What would I do without you, Momo?” you smile at her. Even if you asked playfully, you really mean it – and the warmth in your chest proves it.

Mingyu seems nervous as he clumsy steps into your apartment, his chest is tensed with the breath he holds. The boy is dressed in a loose white t-shirt and high-wasted velvety pants, and you sigh in relief – the picnic party - as Momo called it - obviously wasn’t planned as something fancy.

“Thanks for picking me up,” you smile.

“Thanks for coming. Means a world,” he says, poking his cheek with his tongue, a shy smile follows his words. You missed him. Missed everything about him – the small giggles he lets while talking with that slight lisp to you, the shake of his head when he can’t understand something, the pout appearing on his plump lips when he realizes the item he wanted to buy is out of stock, the bright smile beaming on his face while he spills out his ideas for photography, the warmth of his palm holding yours in the pocket of his woolen coat.

“Who else is gonna be there?” you ask during your drive to the beach – Mingyu found the place perfect for a picnic, especially in the hot summer.

“Um,” he hesitates for a moment, taking his eyes off the road for a moment to look at you. “It’s just the two of us.”

“Oh,” you breath. “I see. Momo didn’t tell me.”

“Blame yourself for leaving me on read,” he grins obnoxiously and you roll your eyes defensively. “Now you’re stuck with me. I forgot to mention one thing, though.”

“Which one?” you rake your eyes over him, admiring how the sun’s rays paint his skin in a golden glitter. “It’s a date.”

You dig your toes into the cool sand, glancing into the evening sky. Mingyu follows your eyeline.

“You can’t see the stars for reflected light from the city,” you notice. “But here we have a chance.”

“No way,” Mingyu protests. “And you know why?”

“Why so?” you turn your face to him, a big smile spread on his lips.

“All Seoul’s stars are in your eyes,” he is smiling so wide that his cheeks must have hurt and he pulls you closer, wrapping both arms around you, tugging you into his lap.

“Shut up,” you laugh, smacking him on the chest, your fingers touching the soft fabric of his shirt. Mingyu’s lips are ghosting over your cheek for a moment before he speaks again,

“But I have lots of things to say,” Mingyu murmurs, biting softly at your earlobe, and a very familiar feeling creeps up into the pit of your stomach.

“Like what?”

“Like, let’s swim,” he takes you aback with the suggestion and you blink at him dumbly. “I didn’t bring my swimsuit with me,” you say.

“Doesn’t matter,” he shrugs. “We’re alone here. No one’ll see.”

You push up from his body and meet his eyes glossy with playfulness and challenge, and you nod at his words. Mingyu grinning at you mischievously, while he removes his clothes – his shirt and pants find their place at the sand – as you see each piece of his skin revealing itself. You inhale deeply, and he leans his head closer to yours, the warm palms rubbing up and down your arms.

“Don’t be nervous,” he whispers, and you’re surprised he can tell this just from your body language, and it makes your heart flutter, pounding even faster against your ribcage. His words encourage you, and he silently watches you removing your dress, the only pieces of clothing on your skin are your bra and panties. Mingyu gently squeezes your hand, his thumb softly strokes back and forth over your knuckles. “Catch me.”  

And within a couple of seconds, he is already pushing into the water, everything below his waist out of sight.  You slowly step onto the sparkling waves, a lazy smile playing on your lips, as you see Mingyu splashing over to you with a childish pout on his face.

“You’re supposed to catch me, but you don’t even try,” he whines and steps closer to you, pressing his hands to either sides of your neck, his thumb rubbing the hollow of your throat. He looks dreamlike with his skin stick from the water, making him glisten in the soft evening light.

“It’s not the only thing I didn’t do what I was supposed to do. I was born to live without you, remember?” you whisper against his wet lips as he leans over you.

“It doesn’t matter,” he hums, letting his fingers brush against the words inked on your side. “I don’t need to be told who I love.”

You’d been feeling like you were drowning for too long, drowning in the cool water of sorrows, doubts, and self-destruction for too long, but only now you can breathe -

“You love me?” you say in a quiet voice, almost as if it was a secret, and the soft look on his face makes your heart skip a beat, overflowing with love and affection.

“I do. So I ask you to stay with me,” he pleads. Not just for tonight, not for tomorrow morning, but-

“Take me home.”

Rattling keys, the sound of giggles stopped with the kisses, Mingyu’s hot mouth on your pulse point, your hands tugging at his black silk locks, and the heavy weight of the wall meets your back.

“Right in the corridor?” you hum, panting into his ear. “Where is your decency, Kim Mingyu? Not bringing your lady to the bedroom is-” Mingyu doesn’t let you finish, forcing his leg between yours. He is grinning at you with his bottom lip between his teeth as he guides your hips into motion against his thigh, satisfied with the garbled moan ripped from your throat. Bringing his lips to the side of your neck again, Mingyu plants wet kisses on the soft skin. He licks your ear, gently tugging the lobe between his teeth. When the boy releases the tender flesh, he hisses,

“This… you made me forget about my good manners,” Mingyu drawls and attaches his lips to your throat. His voice is sweet, but the material of his pants is rough and the combination drives you crazy, whimpering into the air between you, your clit aching.

“Please,” you whine, grinding yourself harder against him.

Suddenly, Mingyu smiles, brightly and happy, before his lips press into yours, his tongue mapping your mouth. The boy lifts you up and it gives you an opportunity to kiss his neck in return, biting red marks into his tanned skin. Then, ever so carefully, Mingyu places you on the soft surface of the bed, kissing you passionately, but slower, trying to find out what you like the most.

“Can I take your clothes off, please?” he whispers in your mouth and you moan, your hands gripping into his biceps.

“Good manners are back,” you coo. “Go ahead.”

Mingyu helps you to sit up, undoing the upper buttons of your summer dress, kissing the skin it exposes, and finally pulling it over your head.

“Don’t forget to take the rest off too,” you breathe, and his lips stretch into a smile. His arms twist behind your back and then he is sliding the fabric down your arms and tossing it away.  

“Do you want me to touch you, princess?” Mingyu murmurs, the tip of his nose traces the side of your neck as his fingers are ghosting over the wetness of your panties.

“Like you don’t know the answer already,” you hiss and he chuckles, his hands move to palm your breasts. You bite your lower lip when he rolls your nipple between his fingers before slowly circling it, a blush slowly creeps down your neck. His mouth finally covers your nipple as his warm palms are parting your thighs, his fingers firmly pressed against the skin. Without being told, you rise your hips to help him remove your soaked panties.

Mingyu sits back on his haunches and marvel at your spread thighs and the pretty wet curves, and your legs separate to make room for him beyond your control.

“You’re so pretty,” he admires, his eyes – glassy with desire and adoration – don’t leave your face. His palm slides up from your hip over your stomach and further still, gently cupping your breast.

“Gyu,” you plea, but before you can even think about the words, Mingyu tosses his shirt somewhere behind his back, already yanked his slightly ruined with your wetness pants and the underwear to the floor.

Then, he is putting his fore and middle fingers into his mouth, coating them in saliva before slowly bringing them to your pussy, the pads of his fingers ghosting over your slit. You moan and he takes it as an invitation, drawing a circle around the hood of your clit. Craving for more, you shamelessly grind your hips into his palm, your fingers grasping at the sheets.

“Baby, I want to taste you so bad,” Mingyu purrs, thrusting his fingers into your pussy down to the knuckles. You moan at the sensation of his fingertips dragging against your pulsing walls, and he increases the pace of his digits inside of you. “You smell so good.”

His words only sending you near delirious. But his tongue feels even better.

Mingyu runs the flat of his tongue up to your clit, humming happily at the moan escaped through your red and swollen lips, your fingers tangled in his hair. His grip on your thighs is firm, screaming lust in big neon letters. He sucks on your clit, focusing his hot mouth on the swollen bundle of nerves, as he is pulling and pushing his fingers through your entrance. 

The boy groans deeply, nuzzling his pretty face deeper into your core. The delightful pleasure clings to your stomach, swells at you abdomen. Your eyes screw shut and your chest heaves, the back arching off the bed with a high-pitched cry. Mingyu is leaning over your, adjusting his body on his elbows supporting him either side of your body. His breath is tickling the skin of your neck and you giggle, your hand lazily draws some patterns onto his back. The boy silently observes your features while you reach down to his cock, lubricating it with his pre-cum. Mingyu groans, but you swallow the sound with your mouth, your tongue catching on flesh of his mouth that tastes like you. He is desperately grinding against your stomach, the tip of his dick leaving a wet trail over your skin.

“I love you,” he says against your lips and, slowly and carefully, positions the reddened head to your entrance. You wrap your legs around him, heels pressing into the ample swells of his ass as Mingyu buries himself deep inside you. He presses his teeth on your collarbone as he hitting your sweet spot with every single one of his delicious thrusts.

Mingyu is here – his arms caging your face, his mouth never leaves yours, and his chest is pressed tight against yours – Mingyu is here and you love each other.

He rolls his hips against you, sinking his cock into your heat, his fingers toying with your sensitive clit. Suddenly, he speeds up, pulling an extremely loud moan from you. Feeling you clench around him, Mingyu groans and lowers himself to suck on your nipple, muffling the sounds he makes against your skin.

“Let it go,” he pants out and you oblige, a gasp tumbles from your lips as your fingers curling in his hair. Your walls spasm around his cock, enveloping it with your release. He thrusts in you, his cock twitching inside of you before he lets out a drawn moan. He stills in you as his cock milking your pussy, panting loudly. He opens his dark eyes and his face softens for you as he places a gentle kiss on the side of your jaw.

“We weren’t meant for each other,” you whisper, your hand playing with his damp locks. “But I love you more than anything.”

“We are meant for each other,” Mingyu is persistent. “Since our first meeting.”

“Okay,” you give in.

“I win,” his smile is radiant in the night, and his eyes hold the whole universe in them.

You never thought of you as a rule breaker. No one did.

With each day Mingyu helps you realize you shape the universe you live in.

And you ask him to make your nose look smaller at the portrait of you he have been painting for two weeks already. 

[nervous-ninja]

My thoughts on MewGulf and advice for new fans...

I cannot emphasise this enough. If you're a new MewGulf, or Mew or Gulf fan, for the love of god do not go near the subreddits on the subjects. That space has been taken over by hateful, small minded, petty people.

People who dug in deep months ago with the conclusion about Mew and Gulf based on less evidence than there is for the flat earth theory but because they've acted like such complete asses at the time, they're stuck doubling down now because to admit their bullshit stank is to admit they aren't the nice people they think themselves to be.

I was friends with some of them once. It's been sad to see them turn twisted and hateful to this extent. Perhaps they always had the resentment there but didn't want to admit it and the change in December and January just gave them excuses to embrace that more.

I don't know.

But if you are new and you are looking for information, please tread wisely and remember that no fan, no matter how devoted, actually knows anything for sure about Mew or Gulf or what their relationship is or was. We are all speculating. Just don't let yourself get sucked into the drama filled world of haters. They're kids who had their toys taken away, toys that weren't actually theirs to begin with, and now they're throwing tantrums for months about it.

But no one really knows. And when you think you've come to your own conclusions, examine them again and ask yourself how much of what you're concluding is about your own pain, needs, insecurities and not at all about what is actually real about Mew and Gulf.

They are both really wonderful people. You don't have to be their fan. You can be fan of one and not the other. But there's so little reason to hate either of them.

If you don't feel the things you felt with them now as you did before, then process that and move on and find some more joy.

There's nothing exciting about saying, "Nothing happened. They're just the same." like there is about implying you have some hidden, special knowledge or insight into drama between two people. There is power in holding that over others. Power that will attract people, gain them the attention they crave, make them feel special.

And even if something has changed. Even if things aren't the same between them. Assuming there must be a villain, that there must be manipulations and abuse is also much more "exciting" than just saying, "I don't really know."

I do recognize that some people felt hurt. But there is no rule that says hurt has to be processed through anger or distilled into hate. But what has happened on the subreddit, the emergence of the MulMuls, that's beyond hurt. That's malice. It takes only a moment, a small step back form it all to ask "over what?" and to see how ridiculous and sad it all is.

Over the lack of social media likes. Over the change in how two people display their relationship publicly. Over the privacy and right of two people to do what they need to do and protect what they need to protect of themselves as people who are so much in the public eye. Over not feeding our needs and fantasies.

Just...I don't know. Examine your reactions to things when resentment creeps up from disappointment. Recognize that the human mind craves closure and to fill in the missing pieces, but that doesn't mean what it does that with is correct, factual or even healthy.

From a Waanjai who has been enjoying watching Mew and Gulf grow as individuals in their own careers, who still finds joy in their old content, who feels heartache and misses them all the time, and who still mourns the loss of a community and friends who found hate a more delicious prize than patience.

I don't know what the real thing is between them. I know only that nothing I have seen over the two years says anything about either of them being cruel, manipulative, naïve or immature. Entirely the opposite of all those things.

What do I think happened?

I think Mew and Gulf are adults who have a bond and have made decisions based on what they feel is best for them, their careers and their families as is their right. They are doing fantastic. Mew's new album hit world wide iTunes charts in the top 5. 5 of the songs on his album hit Billboards top 10. Forbes has written about him. He is producing a series he helped write and will be staring in, but he made it so that there is no one character focus so he's not the "star". He has collaborations coming with other Thai artists and international artists as well. He gets invited to all the things.

Gulf is a darling of brands across SEAS and beyond. He is endorsing brands left, right and centre. He is the face of Biodiversity TH and has released songs and is the top ranked artist with Ch3 two months going now. He has two series coming out, and his fan base is only growing. He is always working. He has received recognition and invitation from major fashion houses in Europe. He recently signed with one of the biggest channels in the nation but worked out a contract that still gives him freedom few other artists have because he has that much leverage.

They both spend a lot of time donating their time, influence, and money to support important causes and charities.

They are busy. They are working in a politically tense climate in their country, with COVID still a very serious issue and lockdowns ongoing.

They love their fans and devote entirely too much of themselves to make us proud and worthy of their support.

That's what I know and see and think happened. The rest? none of my fucking business.

[skamamoroma]

“I Told Sunset About You” - Review/Recap/Whole Bunch of Nonsense Rambling about my Love!

Every now and then a show comes along that I get absolutely knocked off my feet by and I can’t stop thinking about it until I write a whole bunch of nonsense because it’s THAT GOOD and this damn show. I’ve thought about it all week. Outside of the SCU and other longer running stuff, the last time a show sidetracked me like this was San Junipero and I dreamed about that episode for weeks! This show got to me so much that I knew I had to write that whole bunch of nonsense for real and I decided to write a bit of a review and then some specific posts about some of the themes, metaphors, ideas and shots etc that I adore. So if this is not your thing, I tag religiously!

So if you haven’t seen it, the show is about two young boys, Teh and Oh-aew, living in Phuket in Thailand about to take their entry exams/go through the Uni acceptance process. They were childhood best friends until they had an argument which caused them to stop speaking to one another for many years until they meet again at a Chinese class. The story is about friendship, identity, love, rivalry, family, authenticity, ambition and growing up. It’s sweet, funny, painful, warm, difficult, romantic, hopeful, honest and insightful. I hope you don’t fall asleep reading... !

My friend in Japan recommended this show to me. I watch a lot of movies/tv from different parts of the world but rarely from this part of the world not because I don’t want to - I DO! - I just don’t know what’s good and I tend to rely on recommendations from friends or coming across things by chance. If you’ve followed me for even a while, you know my JAM is character driven, nuanced, beautiful shows that go heavy on authentic emotion but use cinematography/music/sound/colour and other creative tricks to further the story. Nothing makes me go starry eyed more than a show SHOWING without a single moment of TELLING where it isn’t necessary and this show hit every single one of those things and more to the point that I was completely swooning at how much of a masterpiece it is. I swear some tiny moments in this show have me floored with how effective and meaningful they are. ARGH. 

As icing on the cake, it’s beautifully LGBT+ themed (written in part and, I believe, directed by LGBT+ folks - if I’ve got that wrong from translations, let me know). These themes are created with care and love, felt refreshing with characters I don’t feel I’ve really seen before. I know that there is info to suggest that they wanted to create this show much more FOR LGBT+ folks and to differentiate it from a style of show that is perhaps more popular for a mainstream audience or a certain audience that wants a certain thing from some Thai dramas (I’m personally not into BL - I think that’s what the genre is called as I kinda don’t know how to feel about that stuff being hella tropey and made for a specifically straight female audience)… and you can tell. They apparently didn’t promote this as that genre. Some of the other themes were so interesting and explored so beautifully. The idea of rivalry and competition was handled with so much insight and depth that it really did stun me at time’s how skilled the writing is. 

The acting… oh the acting. I know Billkin and PP have apparently been close friends for many years but even that sometimes doesn’t guarantee to equal this level of chemistry. They are stunning actors, genuinely nuanced, so charismatic and loveable. I love that even the sad anguished moments are messy as hell (and a couple so delightfully dramatic), the gentle sweeping romantic moments are swoon worthy and allowed to linger or exist in silence, the tension they create is often feels a little too intrusive to watch and the nuance - so much is said without saying anything at all. Some specific moments are handled with so much care when dealing with really complex emotion and I’m floored to see such young actors achieve some of the moments they do because some of the emotion is genuinely complex. There’s a lot of Teh who is terribly complex and to achieve that balance between difficult to work out and yet still feeling like you understand him is a very tricky thing and yet, that’s what I felt when I watched his character. I am in awe of their abilities to be honest and just found them completely mesmerising from start to finish. I love that a lot of their character traits are established so strongly through acting choices that by the end, when both have come kinda full circle and have learned from the other, you can see the OTHER in the OTHER, if that makes sense! Teh in the final few scenes takes on some of Oh’s characteristics. It’s so noticeable but never oversold. Perfect.I can’t overstate this enough! Some moments left me breathless for so many reasons. 

My mum lived in Thailand for a while and in Phuket where the show is set and I loved seeing stuff I recognised from a few of her photographs. I felt I learned a lot about Thai culture too, stuff my mum would have learned and I adored the world surrounding these characters! Btw, if I get anything incorrect re: the culture - come shout at me! :)

The music. Knowing that the soundtrack was written for the show and sung mostly by the two leads was such a surprise because they are beautiful songs. The score is, and I cannot emphasise this enough, bloody gorgeous. There are parts where they play the most gentle soft piano music that kinda breaks my heart and others when they perfectly place the most uplifting soaring sounds that enhance some simple scenes so much that they felt so impactful. There’s a song on the score called Skyline Minimal which is used in a specific scene and in the documentary the director talks about how just the sound of it, you don’t need the lyrics, it just makes you miss someone and makes you cry and he’s absolutely spot on so that when you hear it, what happens on screen just shatters your heart. The soundtrack is woven into the storyline so deeply that the lyrics are used, the melody is used to trigger Oh-aew’s memories at one point and the pretend source of the main song, Skyline, is directly linked to not only the idea of learning Chinese and what that means for them both as characters and as a pair but two of the main themes of the season, ambition and identity! 

The cinematography. Christ on a bike. I could write essays. I am a sucker for meaningful camera work, stuff that does half of the storytelling for you and I cannot praise this more highly other than to say it’s close to perfect. Some moments are so absolutely mesmerising and meaningful that a simple movement or a simple peek at something means a LOT. I’m going to have to write a whole damn post on some of my favourite moments because I can count on one hand the shows/movies of late that I’ve seen that achieve what this show does with camera work, directorial choices and general approach to non-verbal story telling. The level of thought and detail and using a camera in a creative and loving way... I found it so moving and so beautiful the way you could feel the level of consideration that went into the smallest moments, how entire moments of character development were done silently…

The use of metaphor. Anyone who knows me knows I am absolutely WEAK for this stuff. If a good complex emotion or concept can be developed in a way other than with words then I am yours… I will read into everything, enjoy every clever reference and revel in the use of colour or light or sound or motif. This show was a gift in that sense. I’m going to end up writing posts about stuff like the use of colour and the hibiscus flower and coconuts and the use of Chinese words. Again, some moments were so genuinely beautifully done and unexpected that I was like a kid in a sweetshop and was a little swoony over them. There are some moments when the Chinese phrases/words are used through their tutoring in a way to sum up the character’s feelings, moments are built up to by establishing motifs that, when used to their conclusion make for the most BEAUTIFUL or gut wrenching moments. The hibiscus flower scene/colouring in may  be one of my most favourite scenes in the whole show and I just smile thinking of how wonderfully it was developed.

Another thing I truly adored was how I genuinely loved every single character. There’s no demonisation, no discarding of characters at the expense of others (especially as I hate when women in movies are treated this way when there’s no reason to), no characters who are used as scapegoats. If anything, you come out adoring the characters who traditionally “get in the way” of a pairing because, well, they don’t. They don’t feel in the way or an annoyance. They feel genuine and lovely and you root for them. That’s a really really kind way to treat your characters but, above anything, it’s just lovely to see that much consideration given to characters to treat them all as humans. I get a little sick of seeing ‘bad guys’, you know? I like flawed, messy but human people. Hoon as a big brother is so understated but when he appears and when it matters, some of his moments are so genuinely emotional it’s amazing how they allow him to be a typical brother, kinda dismissive and teasing his younger sibling but then he’s THERE and really fully there for his brother in some truly significant moments. It felt so earned for me and goodness, one moment kills me when Teh is full on in the middle of a family fight, sobbing and confused and in a room of them all, Hoon goes directly to his brother and the simple way it happens had me in bits. Apparently, that was an improvised scene too so it makes it a little special.

The ending. Any LGBT+ soul out there knows the pain of watching another miserable ending and, don’t get me wrong, I’m ALL FOR endings where you don’t necessarily get what you WANT but only ones that make sense and are earned so they make you think or realise you don’t NEED what you want etc. BUT also want happiness and hope and love and watching LGBT+ characters thrive. Not to spoil, but they treat these two very well by the end… you just have to make your way through a box of tissues first!

So yeah, it was alright. Hahahaha. I genuinely think it’s a masterpiece. I feel the love and care that went into it, the time taken to consider and think and find ways to say a LOT by saying very LITTLE. I feel the commitment to LGBT+ media, little nods to other shows/moments… I feel their wish to be original and to try to make new characters feel fresh and unseen. I just adored it and I’m so grateful it exists because as a piece of art, when you finish it and can write legit essays (and I’ve seen posts other people have written and I’m in NO WAY the only one here) then you know you’ve done something kinda special! So that’s me, getting my whole bunch of nonsense down… and now I can make specific posts and ramble a whole bunch more! Mwahaha.

[realmeisstuff]

Wolf (Thai Series)

Just my thoughts and opinions

SPOILERS AHEAD!

I really think that it is one of the most well-written Thai series with the best characters, and plot.

It started as a game where you fulfill different missions sent by an anonymous person who call himself "Wolf". The cash prize for the winner is 10 million baht. But the mission gets harder every time and the more that they get closer to winning, the more they risk themselves.

The characters have different reasons for joining the game, but in the end, all of them got a prize of their own.

Here's my opinion to each characters:

POR

I started watching this because of Off Jumpol, but it turned out that he's the character I hated the most. Off really pulled off this character so well that I almost forgot how much I love him.

Por is a heartless playboy, who could date several girls at the same time, and would not regret it. He woos girls with his charms and sweet lies, but in the end, he will leave them, just like what he did to Pin. He ghosted her, because he wasn't really into her, and never had any feelings for her.

But for me, the most awful thing he did was breaking Mo's heart. She was such a pure girl that it breaks me to see her crying while he just flips her off like she's nothing. He didn't even showed any remorse or guilt, and has even the guts to tell her, "If you cannot take it then let's break up" like she's the one with the problem.

I badly wanted him to lose the game, because he doesn't deserve it. Although, he did well on gaining that video of P'Tiger and showing it to his fan. As a fangirl myself, that deserves a standing ovation.

RYO

I kinda judged him too soon for being such a guy, that I failed to realize that he's just an immature boy who needs to learn things through this game.

He likes to show off but in reality he's actually scared, especially when it comes to girls. He needed to learn how to actually touch a girl's heart, gain courage to confess, see beyond physical appearance and go through his first heartbreak to finally grow up, and become more responsible of his actions.

I really admire his father for teaching him well, especially telling him that "You should not kiss a girl when she doesn't want to be kissed".

PLAN

Many considered Plan as the real winner, and I get it, because he learned that there are much more important things than money.

But personally, I'm not sure whether he chose the right decision to give up his chance of winning to pursue someone he just met. I know that he felt attracted to her, but how sure are they that he is really in love?

But at least, he learned to value people's feelings than the worth of money. Because I kinda hated what he did to Ashley.

DON

At first, I thought I would despise Don for being a guy who "nails and bails", yeah I hated that he did that especially for his first mission, but I wasn't able to hate him as a person.

I started seeing his true self during the second mission, and realized that he wasn't as bad as I thought. I could feel that he has a deep back story and I was right. When he told his story to Yim, his facade faded, and it was revealed how brokenhearted he is. He bears a huge guilt and regret for his past actions, and he couldn't move on.

I would consider him as a real winner because the game gave him the opportunity to make amends with his past, and brought him back to his true self. It gave him a chance to start over, and allow himself to be loved again.

I would say that Don is my favorite player among all of them. He really did well on the missions, and he fulfilled them not by luck alone. He really has the best strategy, and did his best effort to surpass each missions. I also like his overall story and character progression.

MO

If there is a grand winner among the winners, I would say that it is Mo (except if he chose Por again). She might be the only female player, but she did her best to do well on her missions.

From the start, I could see that her drive for winning is her heartbreak because of Por. But I could see that she was strong, and I knew that she had so much potential, but she needs to move on from her past.

It's hard for me to see her struggling because she's obviously not comfortable with being daring and trying to get out of her comfort zone just to prove her ex that she's worth it.

There are times when she would just cry rewinding over and over how Por cheated on her and how she put up with it throughout their relationship. But through this game, she slowly gained confidence and realized that her only mistake was being blind to his faults.

Her missions were difficult, but she was able to surpass them. She definitely won, but that's not the only thing she gained from the game. She was able to prove Por wrong and made him see his faults and regret his actions. She finally said what she wanted to say to him.

Maybe the end didn't show that she moved on completely, but I understand. Mo loved Por with all her heart, and it was difficult to move on that easily. She needed the time to heal, and the game was just the first step to moving forward. But she has someone waiting for her, and he was the guy who deserves Mo, and Mo deserves him. Ken proved that there are better guys out there, and that we just need to learn our worth, not to settle for less.

My realizations:

There are different faces of winning, and it'll never be easy to come out victorious without sacrificing a part of yourself. It depends on what you're willing to risk just to win, and if the prize is worthy of every pain.

Overall, it was a good series and I would absolutely recommend it!

[recentanimenews]

Anime's Top 10 Vampires of All Time!

  As the time for Halloween approaches, it makes us nostalgic for all of our favorite monsters, goblins, ghouls, and ghosts that haunt our anime. But what about the regal, majestic vampire? While they seem to be popular, vampires are pretty rare in starring roles, and separating the wheat from the chaff is an even harder task. A lot of times, the poor vampire is relegated to cannon fodder for powerful main characters to dispatch, treated as nothing more than lowly monsters to be exterminated, meaning it can be easy to disregard them as something uninteresting or weak. But fear not; we’ve learned from the best Van Helsing School of Vampire Hunters to catalogue who we think are the 10 top vampires in all of anime! Think you can stomach the challenge of standing up to these terrible titans, keep scrolling… If you dare! 

HONORABLE MENTION: Dracula Man (Dragon Ball)

Our list wouldn’t be complete without at least one honorable mention, and we felt it was hard to leave Dracula Man (AKA Fangs) here off the list. While not quite famous for being a vampire in the traditional sense, fans of Dragon Ball likely recognize this Thai Kickboxing Vampire! Dracula Man is far from the only vampire in Dragon Ball, with quite a few of the movies seemingly love the idea of pitting the Z Warriors against undead bloodsuckers, he’s the only one who appears in the canonical show itself. Of course, Dracula Man also has another dubious “honor”: being one of the only foes in the entire series defeated by Puar (with help from Upa, of course)! Dracula Man would go on to be something of a Dragon Ball in-joke, appearing in some of the games released well after his initial debut in the series, so we figured we’d say “fangs” for the memories, but not quite enough to make the top ten!

10) Staz Charlie Blood (Blood Lad)

Blood Lad was a quirky title that featured various supernatural types going at one another in a struggle to control the underworld. The protagonist, Staz, is a bit of an oddball compared to other vampires: he isn’t really affected by garlic, doesn’t mind crosses, can’t fly, and doesn’t even have wings. What he does have, however, is a huge obsession with Japanese anime and video games! Aside from that, Staz is the a territory leader in Demon World East, making him more of a delinquent than a refined aristocrat, but he is a descendant of Dracula himself (not an uncommon thing for most anime vampires, to be fair)! Staz is certainly a unique take on the modern vampire, and earns his spot at number ten for being a quirky, but likeable, modern rendition of the blood sucking creature of myth.

9) Sunako Kirishiki (Shiki)

Shiki was a pretty heavy and dark show, and we figured we’d get that warning out of the way first for anyone who might be curious to check it out after reading our list: things get dark, and we mean DARK. The vampires of Shiki tend towards the ghoulish side, with their dark eyes making them seem even more inhuman than usual. Perhaps most unusual is Sunako, a seemingly young girl that resembles a doll more than a dangerous monster. Sunako wants nothing more than to find some way for the Shiki and humans to live in some sort of harmony, but the cruel world she lives in, and the actions of both groups, makes her dream seemingly impossible. Like Staz and a few other good vampires, Sunako only feeds to survive, trying to limit her need to do so as much as possible and cause as little suffering as she can. 

8) Saya Otonashi (Blood The Last Vampire / Blood +)

While technically the same character, the two versions of Saya are quite different, and equally memorable. Blood the Last Vampire’s version of Saya is that of a cold, seemingly aloof young woman who becomes a cold blooded killer, hunting down the monsterous Chiropterans. Fighting vampiric beasts with a katana is cool, but it’s even cooler when you’re also the last remaining “true” vampire that exists! In Blood+, this version of Saya similarly hunts Chiropterans, although her past is far more mysterious and her own existence as a vampire is clouded in mystery and intrigue. Either version of Saya is worthy of being on a list, but we wanted to highlight both, as the movie and TV show were amazing and worth the watch! 

7) Mina Tepes (Dance in the Vampire Bund)

Mina Tepes' standing of the queen of all vampires sounds great, until you realize that everyone is seemingly out to kill you! After paying off all of Japan’s debts, Mina sets up a supposed vampire safe zone known as the “Bund”, but human aggressors and vampiric plots of usurping the throne threaten Mina’s life… Until she turns the tables on her would be attackers! Mina isn’t quite the little girl she appears to be, and while her bodyguards are quite capable, Mina is a full fledged vampire who has some serious skills and abilities. Mina certainly embodies that sense of aristocracy associated with vampires, what with paying off an entire country’s debts, but the way she carries herself and the vampire culture of the Bund cement the series as having one of the more interesting takes on vampires not as monsters, but as a unique culture separate from humanity. Just make sure you don’t call her a little girl, or you might not live long enough to even regret it! 

6) Seras Victoria (Hellsing / Hellsing Ultimate)

Originally a rookie police officer, a fateful and fatal encounter leaves Seras Victoria at the mercy of a cruel choice: die, or become a vampire! Deciding to choose “life”, Seras becomes the ward of the most powerful vampire there is: Alucard! Trying her hardest to resist the temptation to feed and bumbling through her transition from human to vampire, Seras is equal parts adorable and terrifying, as many people who’ve seen her true powers manifest can attest to. If you’re not familiar with her, let’s just say that coming between her and what she wants most is a fine way to get ground to dust! Seras lends a much more “human” component to the vampires of Hellsing, and frankly seems even more rational than some of the humans at times, making her a memorable character for just trying to do her best in the crazy hellscape she lives in. Good luck, Seras! 

5) Miyu (Vampire Princess Miyu)

The OG lady anime vampire princess, Miyu is an anime icon that fans of a certain age likely remember as one of their first anime titles ever! A classic horror series, Vampire Princess Miyu followed the titular main character as she hunted down Shinma, demons, that would wander into the human realm to do harm. Miyu is another compassionate vampire, generally selecting people to feed on that she can leave in an eternal state of “happiness” in exchange for the blood they give her. The Miyu series is an absolute classic, starting off as a manga in the 80's and still running today, with numerous anime spin offs in the forms of OVAs and TV shows. I remember first encountering Vampire Princess Miyu in a Blockbuster Video aisle (remember those stores?), and coupled with another high ranking vampire on this list, became one of many reasons why I ended up diving deeper into the wonderful world of anime.

4) Shinobu Oshino (Bakemonogatari)

We will try to avoid too many spoilers here, because one of the joys of the Bakemonogatari series is discovering the web of ways characters interconnect and the secrets that they hide. What we can say is that when the series first debuted, the donut munching young vampire known simply as Shinobu stood out from the rest of the eccentric cast, and seemed to catch the eye of many other fans. Shinobu is a relative mystery in the series, a skulking shadow that doesn’t seem to quite fit in with the things going on around the other characters, and diving further into the Bakemonogatari series reveals why this is. But we don’t want to say too much more about it; go check out the series for yourself and discover why Shinobu rates so highly as one of the most unique vampires we’ve seen in a long time. 

3) Vampire Hunter D (Vampire Hunter D)

Along with Vampire Princess Miyu, Vampire Hunter D is an anime that some fans might remember as one of their first anime ever. The star of a long running series of novels illustrated by Yoshitaka Amano, Vampire Hunter D comes to the anime world rarely, and generally in the form of feature films: 1985’s Vampire Hunter D, and 2000’s Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust. Both films are amazing and still hold up today, and D is one of the best semi-silent protagonists there is, hunting down vampires in the post-nuclear future world they inhabit. The mixture of post-apocalyptic sci-fi and medieval style horror make the series truly unique, and whether you’re an anime fan from 30 years ago, 20 years ago, you probably think of D and his fabulous hat when you think of anime vampires! 

2) Dio Brando (JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure)

While he’s certainly an odd style of vampire compared to some of the more traditional ones on the list, there are few that can hold a candle to the one, the only, Dio Brando. Originally a human boy who discovered the secret of the Stone Mask, Dio is a being of pure evil and selfish desires that fits perfectly with the image of vampire, and his original vampiric run through Phantom Blood truly feels like a classic movie monster villain. When he re-appears in Stardust Crusaders, Dio’s vampirism takes a bit of a backseat to his Stand abilities, but his classic vampiric cry, “WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”, still remains! Fans who had a chance to see the original JoJo OVA from the 90s might remember Dio’s fabulous vampire cape, but even without it, his fanged grin and inhuman stamina make Dio one of the top vampires in anime; after all, not many of the others can claim the ability to stop time and drop road rollers on people! Dio, we love you, even if you are a terrible monster.

1) Alucard (Hellsing / Hellsing Ultimate)

  When you talk about anime vampires, though, it is really hard to ignore the lanky, leering, and imposing presence of Alucard from the Hellsing series. The huge red hat and coat, the glasses, the wide, inhuman toothy grin, and the huge guns give Alucard a timeless profile, and coupled with his absolutely bonkers assortment of abilities, makes him perhaps the most terrifying vampire on the list. Stopping time for a few seconds seems like child's play compared to some of the abilities that Alucard possesses, and the absolute terror his foes suffer when they realize just how outclassed they are by Alucard makes for some of the best moments in anime. Of all the vampires on the list, Alucard is also the most “authentic”, detesting sunlight, holy symbols and consecrated weapons, and even being unable to cross bodies of water without his coffin and soil. Whether it’s being the most accurate to vampire lore, striking a memorable profile, or just being ridiculously powerful and scary, Alucard really hits all the right buttons when it comes to the top anime vampire!

  And with that, we put the last stake into our list! Vampires certainly seem far more popular than they are prevalent, but when a vampire is a good character, they really leave an everlasting impression. So as you get ready to enjoy your Halloween festivities, maybe take some time to revisit some of these amazing vampires, or check them out for the first time. Just beware… If they ask you for a drink, you better protect your neck! 

  What do you think of our list of vampires? Have any that we didn’t include here? Let us know what you think in the comments, and have a Happy Halloween! 

  ----

Nicole is a features writer and editor for Crunchyroll. Known for punching dudes in Yakuza games on her Twitch channel while professing her love for Majima. She also has a blog, Figuratively Speaking. Follow her on Twitter: @ellyberries

Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features!

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[allaboutjoongi]

Lee Joongi: “As an actor, I still have a long way to go and lots of things to show”

(source: https://entertain.naver.com/read?oid=076&aid=0003396350)

Actor Lee Joongi graces the cover of THE STAR’s 6th anniversary issue.

Lee Joongi displays his own free and ‘swag’ sensibility in the photos released in the April issue of THE STAR set against the exotic Thai cities of Bangkok and Chiang Rai. His latest pictorial is particularly worthy of note because it is not only part of Lee Joongi’s special magazine ‘LEE JOON GI in THAILAND’ set for release in early April, but also the actor was handpicked as the cover star of THE STAR’s 6th anniversary issue.

In the interview that followed the photoshoot, Lee Joongi shared his thoughts on the shoot, “I was really grateful to my Thai fans who, while supporting us throughout the photoshoot, accompanied us and helped us avoid getting into any dangerous situation. Looking at those many cultural artifacts and the people living in harmony with them, I thought it was truly beautiful. It’s a place where I definitely want to come back one day for healing.”

On his Asia Tour ‘DELIGHT,’ which he recently completed successfully in six cities in five Asian countries, he confides: “I do not think my tour is simply just another fan meeting. From planning until I actually get on stage, I am constantly creating and practicing.” He continues, “The fact that I can feel my fans’ love for me and enjoy that time with them is such a blessing to me. Thanks to them, I am able to hold my encore fan concert in Seoul this April. I am truly thankful to my fans for giving me such a miraculous opportunity.”

Lee Joongi shares his more natural, everyday side through the videos he posts to his social media account. On this, he says, “I film and edit them all by myself, but there’s nothing so special about it. I just want to keep sharing my everyday life with the fans who wonder about me and wait for me in fun ways.” He adds, with a laugh, “My fans want me to do more activities like SNS live broadcasts and Vlogs, too, but I think what I do on my SNS account is just good enough.”

He continues, “Nowadays, I’ve been told by the people around me, ‘Lee Joongi is an actor that looks too much like a ‘fantasy genre actor.’ I want to work on a project that will allow me to express a more human side of me, but I am not feeling too anxious about it.” With great honesty, the actor reveals his thoughts on his acting career: “As an actor, I still have a long way to go and lots of things to show. Right now, I feel like I am taking a break to get my breath back.”

Lastly, on his wishes for this year, “Since last fall, I’ve been constantly looking through scripts without a break. I always thought, ‘I must do at least one project each year,’ and now I am looking into myself and waiting for a project like a destiny.” He adds, “I am always grateful for the many opportunities, everything, and every time I’ve had.”

Actor Lee Joongi’s cover pictorial, in-depth interview, and behind-the-scenes videos that demonstrate his unique charm will be all available in the April issue of THE STAR (set for release on March 29) and THE STAR’s official YouTube and social media accounts. You can purchase a copy of Lee Joongi’s 2019 special magazine ‘LEE JOON GI in THAILAND’ (set for release in early April) on Lee Joongi’s official Japan fan club site ‘SPLENDOR.’

Meanwhile, THE STAR’s April issue also features two different covers, four different photo cards, and 20-page special pictorial of Kim Jaehwan, who successfully completed his Wanna One activities, the lovely photos of actor Gong Myung, who became a 10-million-audience star through his movie “Extreme Job,” and the fascinating fashion photos of ‘fresh idol’ Golden Child’s Jaehyun and Bomin, among many other features on stars and styles.

[travelagentforguilttrips]

Keep Calm, Try Not to Lose Your Head

Whumptober: Prompt 6

Please... | “Get it out”, no more, “stop, please”

——

Peter had been sitting at his desk in his room doing homework with his headphones in. He works best like this; sitting down so he isn’t laying down to possibly accidentally fall asleep and listening to his headphones to have background music while he works through more Spanish conjugations or derivatives.

He’d been doing his homework while waiting till he had to go pick up the Thai food from the restaurant a few minutes away that he had ordered ahead for. He puts the paper down onto the textbook and places his pencil down into the crevice between the pages. He picks up his phone and leaves his bedroom, walking into the kitchen to get the money May left to pay for dinner.

He stops at the door to slip his shoes on before opening it and nearly tripping over a decent sized cardboard box sitting in front of the door. Packages are usually left downstairs but maybe Mr. Delon had brought it up. Mr. Delon, the building owner, brings up packages every once in a while because they get in his way or he’s just feeling like getting in some exercise.

Peter picks up the box and it’s pretty light, but he does have super strength so he guesses it might be a little heavier to a normal person. Peter backs into the apartment and walks over to the kitchen counter to set the box down. He grabs the scissors from the knife block and slits the tape on the box, pulling back the flaps and seeing the box has been filled with packing peanuts.

Peter is confused because he didn’t think May ordered anything and he knows he didn’t order anything, so he just goes to see what it is.

He puts his hand in the box and feels around and it’s- hairy? And wet? He pulls his hand out and sees red liquid on his hand and his eyes widen.

What the hell?

Without thinking he flips the box over on the counter and cries out in shock.

A- head rolls out onto the counter while blood drips down from the box lying on its side and a pool spreads out around it.

Peter leans forward as vomit spews out of his mouth. Peters mind racing as he runs to the sink but stops when he sees the blood on his hands, and thinks back to the head on the counter. Oh god, oh god oh god ohgodohgod-

Peter digs his hand into his pocket with his clean hand glancing back every few seconds to his hand and avoiding looking at the counter. Peter quickly pulls up Tony’s contact and hits call. After what feels like an eternity of ringing, it finally stops with a click and he can hear Tony’s voice.

“Hey Underoos, what’s up?”

Peter swallows heavily trying to keep anymore heaves at bay before failing and leaning over the sink, more vomit flowing out of his mouth and into the sink and down the drain. “M-mr. St-stark,” Peter gasps out, “I need help.” He manages to get out before sobbing into the phone. He tries not to cry and sound weak to Mr. Stark but, he fails this time.

“Peter! Peter what happened! Are you okay! Are you hurt!” Tony yells across the phone, “I’m already on my way. Can you tell me what’s going on?” Peter can hear the sound of the iron man suit shooting into the air in the background and the sound of wind blowing.

“There, there was a box in front of the door.” Peter gulps before trying to continue while blinking back the tears in his eyes. “The box, it-it had a-a head in it.” Peter manages to get out before harsh sobs burst out.

“Holy shit, okay Peter. Everything’s gonna be fine, I’m on my way now and I’ll be there in a second okay. You still listening?” Tony’s voice comes across the phone sounding worried.

Peter hiccups, trying to get control of himself but failing. “Yeah, I’m listening.” He whispers across the phone.

“Okay, I’m outside and coming up now. Is the door unlocked?”

“Yeah it’s still unlocked,” Peter mumbles now leaning over the sink with the hot water on and his hand under the scalding stream.

The door bursts open but Peter doesn’t even move, just staring at his hand as the blood is washed off and the skin turns bright red.

Tony rushes into the kitchen glancing at the puddle of vomit on the floor and moves quickly to Peter, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Tony takes his face in his other hand while tilting his head towards him. “Lets get you cleaned up a little bit.”

Tony looks around for a towel or paper towels and gets a glimpse of the horror movie worthy scene on the counter.

There was a box tilted on its side, presumably where Peter had dropped it in shock, with blood pooling out still and running across the counter and down the cabinets. There’s a plastic bag lining the box. And then he sees the head, the mouth is taped shut and there’s some packing peanuts stuck to it along with some sitting on the pool on the counter. There’s still blood running out of it and the skin is still somewhat normally colored.

This man was killed not too long ago. The killer might still be around.

Tony turns away from the gory scene, stomach turning, trying not to vomit right next to Peter into the sink. But Peter is clearly in shock and needs someone to take care of this and get him cleaned up. Tony quickly walks by the bloody counter and grabs the paper towels off of the kitchen table. When he gets back to Peter he runs the water cold and wets the paper towel, wiping Peters face clean of the vomit on it. He gets some soap in his hand and lathers it before taking Peters hands in between his and rubbing over his hands to clean them. After that’s done he pulls more paper towels from the roll and dries Peter off, taking off the button up shirt that also had some vomit running down the front.

With Peter cleaned up Tony leads him over to the living area and gently pushes him down onto the couch.

“That better Pete? I’m gonna make a call really quick but you stay right here, okay?” Tony says quietly while pulling a blanket off the back of the couch and wrapping it around Peter. Peter finally looks up when the blanket is put on him and nods faintly before looking back down at his hands.

Tony walks into the entrance of the bathroom pulling out his phone, “Hey, how soon can you meet me? I need your help like ten minutes ago.” Tony says urgently before listening to the reply on the other side of the phone agreeing to meet him before Tony gives the address to the Parker residence.

With the phone call completed Tony walks back over to the living area and sits on the couch next to Peter. “Don’t worry kiddo, helps on the way.” Tony wraps his arm around Peter pulling him down so his head rests against his chest. Tony can feel him shaking violently even as he reclines back.

It’s only about ten minutes before there’s a knock on the door. Tony shifts Peter to the side and gets up to open the door. He steps back and allows the man to step into the apartment.

The man is tall and dark haired, with what seems like a permanent frown on his face. He nods to Tony before asking quickly, “What was it you needed?”

Tony nods his head back towards the kitchen before answering quietly, “The kid found the box back in there with the head in it at his front door. As much as I hate asking for your help I don’t think I can do this by myself and make sure Peter is alright. Can you help me out here?”

The man nods his head before walking briskly back into the kitchen pulling some gloves out of his pocket and snapping them on. Tony sighs in disgust while rolling his eyes. He absolutely hates that man with everything in him, he’s an arrogant asshole with no sense of boundaries.

The man comes out holding the box before setting it down on the coffee table in front of Peter. He tilts the box to the side so Peter has a full view before asking coldly, “Do you know this man? Is there any reason someone would have to hurt you other than your affiliation with Tony Stark? Do you have a lot of enemies?”

Peter’s eyes widen, still glassy and full of tears. He’s shaking his head staring at the box while his mouth opens and closes, not able to make any words come out.

The mans questions start to blend together into a jumbled mess and it gets to be too loud for Peters ears. His breath speeds up a bit and he wants the man to stop but he can only mumble, “Stop, please.”

“What was that? I need you to speak up, I can’t hear you if you mumble.” The man answers loudly before shaking the box again and moving it closer to Peter. “Now I need you to answer the questions, or at least tell me if you know this man.”

Peter can’t take his eyes away from the box as much as he wants to. The sound is painfully loud giving him a headache and he doesn’t mean to but, he snaps. The combination of the sight and the smell and the sound of the man yelling and even hearing when the box shakes and it moves-

Peter just breaks.

“Stop it! Just get out! Get it out! Get it away from me! Get it out of here and leave me alone!” Peter shouts tears running down his face and his voice cracking as he yells.

“Do you want to find who left this or not? If you want to I need you to answer my questions,” the man snaps back scowling. “Just calm down, people deal with things like this all the time and don’t freak out. I’m not, so you don’t have to and honestly, I’ve seen way worse than this. This is nothing.” He says with nonchalance and glances down to the box.

Tony who had been stood back momentarily stunned at the audacity this man has to come in here and show his kid something that is clearly upsetting him and spouting that horseshit, jumps into action after that.

“Okay, that’s enough! No more,” Tony is shaking he feels so angry while balling his hands into fists. “No more questions or interrogations! Get your men in here and figure out what happened yourself, you don’t need to question Peter to investigate this.”

The man glares at Tony, “I don’t need to but it makes things much easier when I have something to go on. Even shield agents sometimes need something to start.”

“You have something already! Now get out and take that thing with you! Peter and his aunt will be staying with me so you can investigate the apartment after we’re gone.” Tony says coldly, seething with hatred for this man- no this absolute piece of shit.

The dark haired man brings the box up to his chest and turns to the door, walking out and closing the door behind him with a slam. Tony quickly sits down onto the couch next to Peter who’s leaning over with his face in his hands, shoulders shaking with silent sobs.

“God, I should have known he would do that. I should have stopped him, I’m so sorry Pete.” Tony pulls him to his chest in a hug rubbing his back lightly. “I’ll take care of everything, I promise, don’t worry about any of it. Now, why don’t you go get yours and May’s suitcases and pack while I call May to let her know to go straight to the tower.”

Peter nods lifting his face from his hands, Tony lets go and quickly wipes the tears from his face with his jacket sleeve before giving him a little smile. Peter walks over to his room and Tony can hear things moving around.

Tony pulls out the phone to give May a quick rundown of the situation, reassuring her that Peter will probably be better once he sees her, and telling her that he’ll take care of everything. He hangs up the phone and gets up to check on Peter.

In the hall outside his bedroom there’s a full tan backpack next to a blue suitcase with the initials BFP on the straps at the handle. Then Peter walks out of a room at the end of the hall with another blue suitcase and sets it down next to the other bags. His eyes are still red rimmed and he’s sniffling constantly but it seems performing the task of packing helped calm him down a little.

“You all ready to go kiddo?” Tony says picking up the surprisingly heavy tan backpack and slinging it around his shoulder.

Peter just nods picking up May’s suitcase as Tony picks up Peter’s suitcase. Peter walks to the door with Tony fallowing closely behind, Peter never once looking towards the kitchen.

They step out of the apartment building walking down the sidewalk to the car waiting at the side of the street. They put the luggage in the trunk and climb inside. Peter feels relief flood through him at putting some distance between himself and the apartment, he leans back and relaxes.

Tony feels something against his shoulder and looks down to see Peters head resting against it, he’s sleeping. Tony smiles a little and puts his arm around the kids shoulders before leaning his head back.

He’ll find whoever did this, he may need a little help and it may not happen right away, but Tony won’t let them get away with traumatizing his kid.

[green-there]

Concerts 2019-February 2020 : favorite songs and tid bits from shows

Cage the Elephant- Back stabbin’ Betty is my favorite song by them. Telescope was really great to hear live because of the soothing tone of the song and the energy behind it and reminds me of being younger feeling moody. It was my friends birthday, and we drove there in a stacked line of cars to the outdoor cathedral. We had to drive down a surprisingly long dirt road, and walked to the amphitheater. We passed these rainbow bicycles strewn about that were for only google workers to use, and I peed in an open undeveloped field half way to our destination. The closer we got the more packed it got. We made it in through the crowds to a grassy ledge way back behind the seats, but found ourselves a good view. When the music began it was so exciting to watch the dad with his kid on his shoulders, the group of hispanic guys singing along, and this tinder date gone wrong unfolding before us. So two couples came to watch next to eachother, and couple A’s frat boy ended up grinding on couple B’s female (EVEN DURING SLOW SONGS)... nothing like a sad slow grind I guess? My friends mom showed up with her personal favorite type of alcohol that she knows my friend can’t stand and drank it for her. The people in front of us started smoking weed, and we ended up moving to a spot where we could watch a close up screen of what the singers actually looked like. Beck seemed desperate when he came on stage mentioning more times than needed that he opened for greenday, and wouldn’t let the poor cage the elephant’s main singer get a break so he wouldn’t feel lonely on stage. He was dressed to the 10s, and had a big crazy finale. Next time I listened to cage the elephant, it was my friend playing cigarette daydream driving to a thai food date with my lovely friend and it was reminiscent of simpler times and very peaceful.  

The Growlers- They have not made a bad album. I love how the singer moves with his music, and I just couldn’t stop smiling at their show in Seattle! I can’t choose just one song I like the best because they all feel so nice to listen to. The guy from the Strokes produced some of their new music, and I was worried at first that it might shift away from their raw sound, but I can’t complain. Its great. It makes me so happy whenever I listen to them even when when the songs have dark themes, there is something really reassuring about his voice. The flight to Seattle was so funny, I watched yes man completely silent with subtitles with my best friend. The first day in the city we walked around with our suitcases feeling especially ‘standing out like a sore thumb’ which made us feel somewhere between embarrassed and fabulous. Our Canadian friends had a cousin we got to stay with and drove us to the show after a city tour, and called in an old favor with the venue people to let in our Canadian buddies. (She’s so cool she showed us this multi floor brick artist loft overlooking the ocean with a band that never stops playing, burning man kind of creative energy) Long story short at the concert, I went to get us all drinks, couldn’t bring them to the floor (drinking age in Canada is different than US and we didn’t think ahead) so I had to drink all the drinks I bought for us. Very tipsy I danced held and had an emotional connection with the flamboyant fella next to me, along with anyone willing. I was in a floor length sparkly black sheer dress- so I was feeling hot haha. The venue was like a formal old style maybe dance hall and had chandeliers. Im pretty sure the walls were painted red, but I cant be sure. 

The Oh Sees- They were sold out in San Francisco, which is why we went to Seattle! My friend is a psych rock connoisseur, and says that she has been listening to them 2 years going and is still in love. Their mosh pit was fantastic, and my ears were ringing for the next couple of days. Very experimental, and the songs all have a wonderful way of combining which I really appreciate. The Daily heavy is a very exciting song, The duck intro never fails to disappoint. I dressed in ripped jeans, combat boots (thank god), and a jean jacket. We spent touring with my friend bf in the city and the gardens, ending up on this very hip part of town. The grunge phase was never just a phase for Seattle, but a life style. The poles on the street were like an arm width thick with posters tacked one on the next. My friend almost got hit by the door by thee Oh Sees lead singer she has been geeking out on and was flattered. I was trying to find her a suitable hook up, but we wern’t so lucky. The venue was dark and moody with hip band posters on the walls upstairs. We got some drinks and talked about how nice it was to not have to worry about how to hold our arms or think about our hands, because we had drinks. The first band I really didn’t like. The Oh sees had suuuch nice crowd energy. We went up to the non gendered bathrooms at one point, but my friends favorite song came on right she was about to go in and she just said fuck it and we ran back downstairs. I moshed and it felt so so nice, and I stepped out so I could keep an eye on my friend when she went in. I didn’t want her to get overwhelmed or hurt without someone to get her out. She did really good at just going with it. The outro to the concert was bizarre and lengthy, and a good way to finish her off.

The Mystic Braves- This was my first show I saw at the Chapel in San Francisco, and it was so wonderful! Amazing grapefruit tequila something I tried, everyone was really laid back, and I just had this feeling of being really happy I got to be here at this place and time. And the disco ball looks so cool watching how the lights carry across the bright red interior super steep ceiling. There were candles along the side walls, and I felt like it was really fitting for a repurposed church. My favorite song by them is can’t grow peaches and cloud nine! The lead singer wore really tight pants. My friend said she recognized different musicians there. I was admiring so many different beautiful people that were collected around that stood out in a way that next to each other they seemed to fit (if that makes sense). I went up to the upstairs bar and pretended like some wealthy moody city person like a sultry vampire-y version of sex and the city. Downstairs after the show we went to a bar filled with distorted clocks and ate frys, talking about how nice it would be to talk to people and know what to say. 

Astroid No. 4- They played the same night as The Mystic braves, and we got there late, so we just caught the tail end. They are note worthy though, they have a good sound.

Andre Moya- Claro Esta En Mi Corazon makes me get that feeling like eating really good chocolate does- if that makes any sense. Summer’s Daughter is so dreamy, his sound is gorgeous! It was a couple days before Halloween, and it was supposed to be a costume party kind of thing, so it said. My friend and I went dressed as clowns and we are stand off-ish typically even when we don’t want to be. We parked and some dude made fun of us before we even got out, and it was so hard to go in but we drove all the way out to santa cruz to see him in a wind storm. Anyways it was like 7 of his friends hanging out drinking beer when we went up, none in costumes. He didn’t get to play much because some miscommunication with the Catalyst where he was playing, but he was so sweet! They threw together costumes when we came, and he introduced us to his friends and gave us beers, and we did our best to talk. Such a beautiful legs and long hair, not to mention a very dynamic painter! I got asked on the street by a kind guy if I wanted to go get dinner with him and I politely declined. Our clown duo me and my pal went to Pluto’s cafe who are opened until 3am and ate vegan nachos, and I was convincing myself that I could feel drunk off a beer. The drive back wasn’t as scary and windy thank god.

The Dead Ghosts-  They got one of their songs on a Canadian sitcom show called Letterkenny! They played at the Chapel, and the singer was so funny he dedicated one of his last songs to this couple who were choking on eachothers tongues the entire time. Its funny that he made a point of that because me and my boyfriend were going to makeout for a sec to see if we could not be anxious sober doing that, but I wussed out. He talked with us for a while after the show which was really cool. I really like ‘When it comes to you’ by them. It felt so nice just him like sitting on the stage chatting with my friend and boyfriend about the funny things he’s come across, his travels, what his music reminds us of and the such.

Torrey- They were so sweet! My boyfriend described them as great sunset music and got all excited when they had a couple of free CDs, but didn’t get to them in time. He talked to the main girl and she mailed one to Costa Mesa for him! Scruffy is my favorite song by them, I agree they are great sunset drive music. She was so cute! 

The Shivas- So they started the band back when they were teenagers in Oregon, and the Catalyst was their first venue that opened their doors to get them on their first little tour! They were very thankful and gave them a big thanks during the show in Santa Cruz. You make me wanna die is their biggest song, and I’ve loved it for so long, its the best feeling to put a face to a voice! And they have such a cute look! The guy in control of the lighting had a few projectors pointing at the band and had a different colorful puddles of dyed oils, water and bubbles that he would distort with the music, which was really exciting to watch. Turn me on is a great song, and I bought a pin for a dollar with the cover art on it. 

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard- Driving in the city my best friend does very very good at and Im proud of her for it. We parked in this absolutely massive parking garage that felt like an extended dream walking through the huge in ground spiral upwards searching for a door. We made it up, but I freaked my friend out a bit getting into the surreal feeling of the place. The street was filled with cool people, and we often talk about how we wished we could smoke. But my friend and I had the same problem with track, which is we are both just bad at breathing. Huge dream like open space building in a tight line spiraling upstairs to this overly formal but massive room with huge arches and a tall tall ceiling. Big huge fans in those windows to get this massive body of humans some air. People smoked weed around us in the crowd, so we were in and out so my friend wouldn’t have to worry about breathing. Their concert was something brand new. It was like the first time being in the snow or something- just insane. This show was their first release of Infest the rats nest. They have a huge group of guys, including 2 drummers that play in sync, and OH MAN. The energy in that room and how we all fed off the transitions in the music and how you can see physically how people in the audience change with the music. Plus their music brings up things that genuinely frighten me like climate change. I just recommend the whole album of infest the rats nest. And fishing for fishies is a song that sounds child like and a completely different tone which I was listening to before I went in and was completely caught off gaurd. 

Stonefield- They are the second band I’ve bought a shirt from (Wooing was the first band). Its really cool. They remind me of classic rock music when people started getting all experimental. The whole band is female and they all came out wearing matching corduroy pants and jackets, each in a different color, and all have really long hair. I really like People by them and Delusion is great too. They are so hot ah man what a power move to wear all corduroy matching suits and play so hardy ooh man. 

Twin Peaks- The crowd surprised me! Lots of people who obviously went to Berkley which was a bit intimidating honestly. They have a lot of nice songs, Making Breakfast and Shake your Lonely are good for a morning perhaps where you are making breakfast. I can see it walking somewhere laid back. Mid-day only if its summer and you are by a body of water.

Post Animal- Their first album is great, then they got a bit more of a pop sound. Buried gold in that first album! What the heck they make an album like that and then got popular for their pop?? That first album shows that they are great at what they do, and hopefully it will get dug up and popular and they will come home to psych rock papa. Tame Impala got big for it, so if they are worried about being less liked for more of a psychedelic sound then piggy back on tame impalas newer fan base. Not ideal but PLEASE such posibility lost when they rolled over and went pop.

The Drums-  “I want to buy you something, but I don’t have any moneyyy, I don’t have any moneeeey!” There is a real hit home chorus if Ive ever heard one. Very much a surfer feeling, and Im for it. Dark themed beachy pop (for their older stuff), great control over his voice, and he dances when he sings which I love. Their new stuff has some tech-y sounds in it. They played in the Catalyst too, but the big room for them because they are more known. 

COWGIRL CLUE- Walked blind into that one. Had no previous knowledge of music like hers before being there. We were so worried that her microphone wasn’t picking up her voice, and thats why we couldn’t make out her words. She’s dating a guy from the garden so I heard. CHERRY JUBILEE is honestly a banger and it took time to realize it haha

The Black Lips- The girl in the band is so hot I love her look so much! They played in San Jose on this street with nice art galleries on and around it. O Katrina and Crystal Night are my favorite songs by them. They have an interesting mix of band members, they all have their own distinct style which is unusual, but it was nice. And the audience was the same kind of assortment of the outliers which makes me comfortable. The bar had a kind of rugged presence that was the first of its kind for me.

Ohmme- I cried hearing them sing. Such insane knowledge of how to use their voices, listening to them in person it makes sense when people talk about voices as instruments. They know what they are doing and they just work so well together. I have this feeling that there is possibly an Irish folk influence? Im not sure if Im reading that in. But that, some great guitar shindigs that they play, there is an element of surprise as their songs transition in intensity. Give me back my man and Fingerprints are so satisfying. Wheel is their newest (and real good). AND THEN SHE WHIPPED OUT THAT VIOLIN Oh man so talented. Plus they brought up points for being pro choice, access to period material, strong feminist power here ahh

Wand- The singers voice is so distinctively peaceful and entrancing, the music is psychedelic and makes your mind wander with it like a dream. They remind me of Radiohead but my friend said those are figting words (haha).They played at a venue attached to a bar made for old guys to hang out in, and you could tell by the crowd. Anyways. Im convinced their bass player was checking me out and I was very flattered. He had a beautiful hairline which is something I didn’t know could be beautiful- but it really works nicely with his face structure. The singer uses a violin bow to play electric guitar with which is a very new concept to me! My favorite part about them is the transitions of intensity throughout their songs, there is something almost orchestral about it that just makes me tear up thinking about. The lighting was absolutely beautiful! You remember the Shivas concert I talked about with the lighting being experimental pools of colored translucent liquids and oils on projectors all moving with the music? Well this was that but evolved. Pricy looking projectors and high saturation colors. The motions of this music just carry you through so many feelings and just being a part of the color and music just melts ya. Bee Karma, 6661,Wonder, Keep you up Aghhhh so good! so so so good.

Bridget Dawson- She was so cute! A band of misfits! She makes music with the Oh Sees now and then, and I liked how they had saxophone in all their songs. They played at the chapel, and we got our favorite grapefruit- tequila drinks. Its called Paloma I think. This guy who plays spanish classical guitar live stream on his instagram now and then and dresses all 70s (He sang both my friend and I into songs on his instagram live feed and made us geek out kinda hard) was talking to Andre Moya and we were giving them some space to talk to the bar tenders before we went over because we think they are cool and we were kind of embarrassed for being legitimate clowns in front of Angelic Andre. Any who, Bridget Dawson has a beautiful voice and you can really tell she loves making music. When the band was playing I was just imagining how I could run into them just like grocery shopping or at the library or somewhere unexpected because we are all little people with our own lives and minds and how you never know who’s in that creative stream of consciousness until you dig around a bit and really listen to how they perceive and interpret the world.

Mr. Elevator- You can tell by the singers voice that he kind. Dreamer is my favorite song by them! Nico and her psychedelic subconscious not only is a great name for a song, but was really fun to see people really get into dancing to that song. I really appreciate the people who want to dance and just do because they feel like it and don’t need any other thought than that to move. Getting to this frame of mind would feel so freeing, and Im taking my baby steps to allowing myself access to my voice and body. The crowd’s energy was just at a place I really want to be. They play a lot of electric keyboard and organ (organ? Oregon?) The singer had such an embracing energy about him I wish we could be friends :)

Kamikaze Palm tree- The keyboardist that played with Wand reappeared in The Catalyst’s mid sized room for the first set (and my personal favorite of the 3 bands that night). Here we had first band member: very focused beautiful drummer/singer with a white mullet- very etherial, second band member: an individual who had eyes like death that would find a victim to stare into in between bouts of expressive movement while they played guitar (lipstick, cute little hearts on the cheeks, curly hair, preferred gender unknown), and third: our sweet keyboardist that played with Wand earlier. The guitarist was all over the place, the other two were the picture frame. The keyboardist was obviously entertained by the guitarist, and the drummer/singer was back and forth between guitar in front, drumming in back, singing wherever she was at the time. Their music has as much energy and movement as their action of performance. My favorite part was when the guitarist stared into my soul with dark eyes. Looking into someones eyes is one of the most intimate actions you can have with another person, and they gave me a dead stare I was so flattered and enjoyed observing their stone-like expression. And their music feels like they get the same ups and downs going between the energies of peace and chaos. It was like an inner dialogue behind their music, and I couldn’t help but cry smiling like a weirdo. There weren’t many people at the venue yet, so it was a little practice of letting myself feel(and I don’t think I was too obvious thankfully).

Froth- They played after Kamikaze Palm tree. These guys had an interesting social dynamic. The drummer seemed to be micro managing the volumes of their output, and had an extensive dialogue with the guys in charge of sound. But maybe the last band put it on odd levels or something (which I wouldn’t doubt.)  The singer seemed really tense about the situation, and the guitarist was just obviously tired of dealing with the drummer. They wanted to be under red light the whole set. The singer seemed like he would be nice, and the crowd got really big out of nowhere. The next band to play was Duster, who apparently hadn’t played in something like 18 years. But what a place to be put in! Right after the dynamic Kamikaze Palm tree just had, and before someone that was a dear loved long lost loved band of a large mass of people!

Duster- Upon reading their Spotify description it seems that they started up at the end of one categorization, and before the beginning of the next, so they were popularized in their later years because they were genre lost and recaptured. But wow I could feel their space influence at their show, definitely music to travel and/or cry to. I loved their transitions, their following was so happy to see them you could just feel it! Its contained and deep in a way where I cant quite place. Their songs have a range. Some are looking up into the stars, feeling your body shift into them as you realize how you are a part of each other (a song like topical solution), or being outside as a storm approaches and overtakes you so you get to the point of feeling the warmth in your blood moving separate from the coldness of your skin, and the process of getting where you need to be to be (Echo, Bravo). 

[deterministpalindrome]

That’s it, you can’t do anymore. There’s nothing left for you to learn, having poured perigees worth of research into your pan, memorizing facts and trivia and systems and god knows what else to the point where you’re honestly surprised you’re not reflexively answering questions with absolutely unrelated data. You can’t even stall any; you’ve been through every conceivable article on the subject, and you’re sure as fuck not reading them again. The only option left is for you to troll up, put your horns back, and just fucking do it already, so you do, boots thumping down hallways on the way to your destination.

Today was the day you were giving your ancestor his kidney back.

It’s that determination that gets you to his door in the castle, not wanting to message him first and risk getting trapped between his excitement and praise and making him worry by closing the window abruptly. Of course he might not be here, and you’re resigned to having to do this multiple times if that’s true, but what you failed to consider is if he had other people there.

“This is a surprise.” The smile aimed down at you is not from your ancestor answering the door. No, that’s the fucking Signless, looking eerily like your Karkat in a way that makes you wonder how you and Twoblade look to other people. “Good evening, would you like to come in?”

“Uh, yeah, actually. I wath looking for Twoblade, ‘th he here?”

“You have excellent timing, he’s just returned.” He steps aside and gestures invitingly into your ancestor’s blocksuite, leading your hesitant following into the socialblock where Twoblade has just sat down, relaxing and smiling at... Madam Suntouch, who is sitting across from him, with a matching smile and a cup of tea. Oh god, you’re interrupting a visit. Why didn’t you message ahead. You’re gonna die.

The other two look up as you both approach, ears perking from Newsight down to you, and yours dip down. Madam Suntouch offers a soft, “Good evening,” as well, right before Twoblade’s bright grin and “Pal! Goodnethh, thuch a nithe thurprithe! Would you like ta join uth for tea? Or perhapth dinner, we were jutht dithcuthhin it.”

“Uh, n. No, I wath, actually here on buthinethh?” That sounded awful, like a two sweep old talking to an adult for the first time. Troll up Captor, you’re here as a medic. “I finithhed rethearch and practithe on kidneyth, and I’m ready ta fikth yourth.” You press on past the various surprised and delighted reactions. “When do you wanna do thith?” Tomorrow or the next night, you think, in the medical wing, just you and him in a professional atmosphere so you’re better at fixing your actual ancestor...

“I don’t thee why not now,” Twoblade’s voice and smile is pleased, proud even, and Madam Suntouch agrees. “I would enjoy seeing you work, Twoblade has told us much about you.”

Fantastic. No pressure at all.

A thick swallow of nerves and you agree, because you’re an idiot and there’s no clear way to back out of this without offending your ancestor, his lusus, and the fucking Signless. Newsight finds a chair in a good spot to watch and settles in while Twoblade asks what he needs to do. There’s nothing really, you can clip through clothes just like you can skin and bone, so all you tell him is to stay still and breathe evenly, and the usual warnings about how weird it’s gonna feel. A deep breath for yourself, wings slipping out to fan behind you, and you stick your hands into his gut, focusing on the task at hand.

It’s not a complete focus, you can tell they’re talking to each other over your head, and you could probably spare enough attention to dig out actual words, but you’re creating an organ out of nothing in pieces, you’d rather not risk fucking this completely up. Twoblade chuckles at one point, and without even thinking about it, you pull out a hand and smack his chest with the back of it before returning to work. It’s probably best you didn’t hear the pleased pride in his words, nor in Madam Suntouch’s either, as you need to finish this and dying would not help.

You have no idea how long it takes, but finally the inside of this fucking complicated cellular bullshit is crafted to your satisfaction, and after one last double check, you sigh and pull out your hands. “Think that thhould do it. You feel any pain or anything wrong with anything, you thay thomething, yeah? No noble bullthit-” and you balk, finally looking up at the three adults watching you and startling at how they’re looking at you. You were expecting awe, excitement, maybe some pride from Twoblade, but not this, not pride from all of them at the focus, not satisfaction like you lived up to their expectations, certainly not approval. You can feel yourself hunching under all the tall positivity, suddenly acutely aware that you are a wiggler.

“I will, do not worry on that,” oh, right, you’d said something to Twoblade, him replying makes sense, “though I sincerely doubt I will have ta, your thkill ith remarkable.”

Madam Suntouch inclines her head in agreement. “It is quite impressive to see a god at work, and I am glad I was here for it.”

“I as well, though it’s hardly a surprise,” Newsight’s smile edges up into a grin and again, you’re reminded of Karkat, “not from Twoblade’s descendant and ‘the Paladin.’ ” 

Your ears perk in surprise at that last bit, adding ‘baffled’ to the mess that is you kneeling in the middle of this circle of praise while your face hurdles towards becoming solid gold. “...the what?”

“The Paladin,” he repeats. “I’m rather sure it’s you they were talking about. Twoblade’s descendant who sparred with him and protected his students so well. Of course, there are certainly enough Captors running around here that I could be mistaken, or the wigglers could have left something out during their chain lettering of the story, but..”

“Oh no, that wath motht certainly him,” Twoblade’s expression is even brighter now, and your blush and urge to hide deepen. “I remember that fight very well, he ith ath thkilled ath they are thaying.” That expression turns to you, and somehow you survive the additional fondness and pride. “It theemth you’ve gotten yourthelf a title.”

Again you find yourself under the pleased gaze of all of them, and your ears dip to your shoulders. “But I. I’m. I’m thtill a wiggler?” You can’t have a title, you haven’t proven yourself worthy enough for even consideration, let alone done anything impressive enough to gain one.

“Perhapth, but thith ith hardly our timeline, the ruleth are different here. And obviouthly tho, thince you’ve been given one. Age no longer matterth, Paladin.” Oh god you’re going to die. What do you even say?

Madam Suntouch saves you from that problem by introducing you to a different hell. “Would you like to stay for dinner, now that your official duties have finished?” Her smile broadens when you stupidly nod in agreement, and the three of them welcome you into the fold.

The rest of the evening is an affectionate bundle of treating you like one of their own, letting you be quiet but engaging you as well, chattering pleasantly when they weren’t teasing, along with the occasional bit of advice. At some point, Twoblade mentions you could bring your title up to eight letters by doubling the I, and Newsight starts giving him shit immediately about how mangled his own title had gotten in an effort to do the same. 

You know they’re just regular trolls but it’s still startling to see them act like it, enough that you feel honored that you could. They’re sad to see you go when you do, but understanding that you have other things to tend to, and welcome you back again whenever you wish. The door closes and your boots thump against the hall again as you head hive, still reeling from all this. Fuck. You have a title. You have to tell everyone.

[17sunday]

writing on the day of dec. 6 2019

this week has been so fucking wild I had to document it or else my sleep depravation will make me forget it by tomorrow!

sunday - dec. 1 thanksgiving weekend has come to a close and i’m FUCKED, like I have so many fucking projects to complete (mind you, these are all master’s level courses) and I’ve sort of started, but I know the biggest hurdle for all of them has yet to be completed. I have severe anxiety on things not getting done and i will literally stay up if I feel like I am not making enough progress on something...so guess what I stay up till 6 am in order to run this code on Rstudio (sleep count: 3 hours)

monday - dec. 2 I am a teaching assistant for capstone, so I can’t sleep in and go to class to help out my students, keep in mind i’m tired, but I can usually thrive off of 3 hours if its only a day and I take a nap. turns out i had a lot more to do for my project presentation on tuesday than i thought (ah it always becomes that way huh?) and I had no nap because i had to go to office hours for last minute checks, then I had to work on the code....but at 1AM when I was generating the graphs, I reached an error and its hard to explain the logistics but I had to REDO all the coding analysis again and i was on such of a crunch on time yall that I COULDNT EVEN CRY AND HAVE A BREAKDOWN WHAT THE FUCK AND I SLEPT AT FUCKING ASS O CLOCK 6 AM (sleep count: 6 hours)

tuesday - dec. 3 i have a presentation in this advanced bio class (i wont specifically name the class just in case LOL) and I think I did well but my professor asks me (and everyone in the class) to do another coding shit YET HE TELLS ONE STUDENT SHE DID A LOT AND JUST ADD TO DISCUSSION LIKE U FUCKING BITCH WE ALL WORKED HARD *victoria justice voice* HOW DARE HE BULLSHIT US LIKE THAT, HE KNOWS DAMN WELL WE ALL WORK HARD AND NOW WE HAVE EXTRA SHIT AND THIS BITCH GETS NONE IM DONE WITH THIS FAVORITISM I SWEAR TO GOD but several people liked my presentation and said i did a great job so i felt so RELIEVED after the presentation, IT WAS DONE THE CODE WAS DONE and then I had lunch with jake and thai and we had the funniest fucking conversations i love them so much

THEN I HAD A FUCKING PITCH TO MAKE FOR WEDNESDAY AND I HAD A WEDNESDAY MEETING AT 8 AM BUT I SLEPT AT 6 AM AGAIN BTICH LMAO I ended up telling my professor I couldn’t make the meeting and they were fine with it, I’m glad I have an understanding professor who won’t pressure us and is understanding when things come up

I showed up to class at maybe 10:30 AM? (sleep count: 10.5 hours)

wednesday - dec. 4 I’m walking death at this point. I stayed up to finish my pitch, i watched m*mas and that show was bullshit and a waste of time aka svt deserved daesang butttttt whatevers, I go to class and I’m working on other assignments and take a 30 minute nap before my 4:50PM class (which goes until 7:30 mind you). I show up to class and we do our presentations. I’m already in a rough state of mind, and i always compare myself to others so when my professor heavily complimented my peers and didn’t leave room for a nice compliment for me I was so devastated and it probably showed on my face i was on verge of TEARS. I’ve dealt with so much bullshit I couldn’t even face this I was literally just working off of no sleep and my constant self-deprecation made me sensitive but I talked to both jake and thai and they made me see a perspective i would have never seen before. before i left the class i reached out to my professor on what I can improve and she gave me pointers and she is good at reading people’s faces and said “its great bea...its so great!!” and i felt INFINITELY TIMES BETTER! she’s also so so kind to me. My friend a/hmad also said “bea i dont want you to depend on others to say good job, because no matter what, someone will always critique you” and that really hit me hard, for the first time i thought about how i perceive myself and how dependent i am to receive verbal affirmation from other people. I realized i no longer wanted to be tied to that. I want to have confidence from MYSELF because i know my OWN worth, not because i’m happy someone else sees me as worthy....it was a catalyst and now im learning...i feel like i always learn something big in college in terms of my self growth and I am SO happy for that... anyway my team and i worked late into the evening for a cyber project to figure out how to alter a PID controller and I almost broke down but my team and I were working hard and eventually we reached a solution (not what I thought would be the best, but Muthuswamy was on board!!!) and my team said “ok we aren’t getting anywhere lets go home” when it was 11PM and we all agreed. We, and me especially have been dying this week and the rest would do us good, my friends all pleaded for me to sleep early and I promised them i would :(( i love how worried they are, their kindness touches me!!! ALSO JAKE GAVE US RIDES BACK TO OUR PLACES AND FUCKING PUT ON TOKYO DRIFT AND DRIFTED LOLOLOLOLOOLOLOL

slept at 2 AM (sleep count - 18 hours)

thursday - dec. 5 FINALLY I GOT 7 HOURS OF SLEEP! I TRUSTED MY TEAM AND LET US ALL REST TO WORK HARD TOMORROW. I showed up to class where I realized the bullshit where the favorite student got to do nothing and we do everything LOL but i was whatevers about it. afterwards I booked it to the tutoring center to finish up the presentation. Jake clutched and got all the graphs looking PRETTY I LOVED IT! HE IS A TRUE BRO! we went to class a little later but muthuswamy went through presentations and was impressed and jsut wanted to make sure we make robust testing in the report which made me SO HAPPY! he seemed to recognize us and our efforts too!!! IM SO GLAD HE LIKED IT

we then had to work on homework and i swear we had the funniest fucking conversations like a/hmad’s team texts him please in front of each text and so he started texting please in the first part too LMAOOO IM SO DEAD, then like both a/hmad and s/teven worked on the homework cause j/ke and i did the project LOLLLLL and jake and i would fucking LAUGH at everything cause what is this BULLSHIT we’re learning HAHAHAHAHAH

THEN JAKE SANG HALO IN THE HALLWAY WHEN IT WAS ECHOY AND WHEN HE WALKED IN HE GOT STANDING OVATION FROM CURRENT SENIORS LMAOO

we turn in the homework by 8 and thai and i leave by 9:30 to get ihop. we were angry at service but the server who just clocked in was so NICE AHHHHHHH, we had our regular sleepover and i practiced for pitch FOR THIS STARTUP COMPETITION slept at 3am (sleep count: 25 hours)

friday (today) - dec. 6  SO NO ONE REPLIED WHAT TIME I HAD TO HELP OUT AS FACILITATOR SO I JUST SHOWED UP AT 12PM AT THE PRESENTING AREA. I enjoyed talking to my students and got some action shots taken of me hehe. then i went to the presentation and KILLED IT AND MY TEAM WON 10K OMG, i will elaborate later, still processing churro n taco LOL

[hillarykylie]

y’all it honestly annoys me so much when people think me suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder and my host of other mental health issues is a “choice”. - all of them are intertwined btw

like excuse me what the fuck? the first time I got diagnosed with clinical depression was when I was 12. fucking twelve years old. (I’m 18 now, it’s been 6 years with depression, 5 years with generalised anxiety disorder, 4 years on and off Anorexia and 1 year with BPD, and panic disorder. I’ve been on SSRI for almost a year now)

a lot of it has to do with my chaotic childhood, being sent away and abused by someone who wasn’t my biological parent, and losing some of my loved ones whilst I was growing up. but as usual, people think they know shit just because both my parents are wealthy business people, and assume that my life has been a bed full of roses this whole time and that I’ve been spoilt and pampered my whole life lmao

despite all of my traumatic experiences and struggles, I’ve never been the sort of person who’d wallow in my self-pity or see my mental illnesses as a justifiable “excuse” to not do my best in life or treat people with the respect they deserve? neither do I ever ask anyone for “help” or unload my problems onto them, I’d like to think I’m extremely self-sufficient.

Also I was taught when I was younger than telling people about your problems is essentially useless, but also unnecessary, redundant and dangerous.

trust me, if I could undo my mental illnesses with a snap of a finger and my relentless self-loathing or trade it with anything else, I would instantly do it in a heartbeat.

I know I shouldn’t be ashamed of my mental health, as none of it is my fault, but it makes me feel intrinsically shit when people think this is something I have active control over, or that I don’t deserve to suffer just because I hail from a well-to-do family and seem to be performing impeccably in life.

I’ve been to 4 different Psychologists, psychotherapists and 3 different psychiatrists, all of whom have treated and diagnosed me. If that’s not enough evidence, then idk what is.

With that being said, I’ve been a consistent high-achiever throughout school, or like a “nerd” as everyone refers me to LOL, with the exception that I’m incredibly open-minded and rebellious and a secret party animal. Being awarded with top in cohort for English Language, passing with distinction and commendation multiple times, playing the piano reaching grace 6th and Swimming competitively, being a dancer and winning trophies in my school’s Badminton team, being on the top students’ list for GCSE, getting a scholarship for A Levels, clinching the top for Politics, got A*AA in 7 months - and second best for Law, (and this was when my grandma passed away btw), having variegated interests such as dabbling in boxing and Muay Thai (before I dislocated my knee and when my health was more robust)and being a present writer and editor at my Uni’s magazine.

I practically embody the “perfect all-rounder”, but little do people know that I’d accomplished all of these through sheer hard-work and resilience, something that society in general would NEVER in a million years expect someone struggling with so many physical health, but also mental health issues to do so.

That’s precisely what I mean. I seem to have everything going for me on the surface, portraying the glitz and glamor of my life on Instagram - but internally - I’m struggling every single day with my mind, a whole contrast to my exterior and facade.

The reason why I don’t share in-depth accounts of my feelings, mental health, problems and past is because I know that I’d be trivalised and dismissed. It has happened to me all the time and it still happens, sadly.

Besides, I was raised in an environment where I was always told to keep my problems to myself, as people would eventually use my vulnerabilities against me. I was told to always analyse situations with a healthy amount of skepticism and doubt.

The stuff I’ve been through has made me incredibly wary of people in general, growing up witnessing violence and instability has had a profound impact on how I view myself, the world and others around me.

And oddly enough, whilst girls in school would obsess over finding their Prince Charming and envisioning happily-ever-after scenarios, I was that one morbid soul who’d never imagined myself getting attached to someone else. I saw attachment and trusting someone as the root of all evil. I thought the girls around me were simply naive, juvenile and blissfully ignorant and had always believed that marriage was nothing but an illusion. LOL I’m not kidding, my family was mortified when they heard me utter that at the age of 14/15.

Their look of terrified, aghasted faces were everything. I loved being alone and the idea of having someone romantically involved with me was beyond TERRIFYING. Hence why in relationships, I tend to emotionally distance myself when I sense intimacy being slowly established. I would NEVER tell my ex’s what I would be feeling and panicked at the prospect of them getting to see the raw parts of me. I was so self-sufficient and independent that some of them lamented on how I got so ‘distant’ and ‘cold’ as I gradually pushed them away.

Whilst I did get into relationships as I grew older, I never really saw a future with anyone I got with. I mainly just wanted to feel validated, if that makes sense. I struggled with an unstable self-identity at the point in time, as well as an alarmingly low self-worth. I did get terribly hurt and destroyed along the process of dating these people, but some of these “breakups” and “endings” were instigated by me.

Instead of hurting more intensely should they abandon me after, I’d self-sabotage my own relationship back then and distance myself as far as I could from them, breaking up with them before they could break up with me, so the pain would hurt less eventually.

Rather, I went through a phase where I was simply cruising through a series of unstable casual relationships. Not proud of it, don’t recommend it.

My motto has always been “do it now, and it’ll hurt less later. No one stays forever”. It’s a little sad and distressing that I still believe in that now, but I think a lot of this has to do with what I witnessed within my upbringing when I was a child, which’s all been ingrained in me.

I was never optimistic about anything growing up, instead - I was the biggest pessimist and nihilist you’d ever meet. I find it very very hard to navigate romantic relationships, extremely impossible for me in fact. I never even thought about marriage when I was younger. Yeah I had childhood crushes, but I was literally that girl who couldn’t care less about finding a significant other. Whilst all my friends were madly in love, I was the kid who’d lost hope in humanity and faith in human relationships. Honestly I’ve just never thought I was worthy of love? I always think I’m too broken and damaged for someone to care for me, and the idea that everyone will leave eventually has been so ingrained in me that it’s almost impossible to abandon. I just never thought anyone would ever get me.

I feel like a lot of it has to do with people invalidating me when I was younger, and the fact that BPD itself is such a misunderstood disorder in itself that I feel wronged and maligned all the time. I also have an inherently hard time expressing my emotions.

I’m not the sort of person who’d explode on someone, rather, I’d implode and ‘act in’ on myself and keep myself in isolation when things go awry. I start pushing every single person away as soon as I find them inching a little too close to me.

I do miss people, but I wouldn’t say I’m clingy. I’m far from clingy, literally the complete opposite. Distant, aloof, indifferent, guarded.

[tyleroakley-obsessed]

Ed. Note: If you’re looking for healthy food in Memphis, contributor Stacey has started a list of places to eat healthy, with a focus on salads that aren’t boring, that are filling, and most importantly, delicious. This isn’t everywhere to get a great salad, of course. If you have favorites, please put them in the comments!  I like to think of salads as nachos made with lettuce instead of chips. Doesn’t that sound nice? But really, I could – and should — eat a salad every day, and I almost always end up wracking my brain trying to remember who has a good one. Now I’ve made this lovely list of my tried-and-true go-to salads, so all of us to can refer to it as needed. Chicken Salad Salad at Edge Alley Edge Alley is one of my favorite places to get a salad. They have several good ones to choose from, they have awesome window seating and best of all, I get to have a second coffee of the day. (Carbonated cold brew FTW.) I really like the Shrimp Cobb (below) but lately the Chicken Salad Salad ($8) has been my go to. It’s a tad heartier and has great flavor. All of the salads are made with arugula so they don’t feel massive. Made with local chicken, mango, peanuts, tomato, onion, and radish, the Chicken Salad Salad is a winner. Also very important to note: You can add bacon, avocado and/or a fried egg to anything for $2 each. Read more about Edge Alley here. Gaspacho Salad at Maciel’s Look, I know it’s hard to bypass the taco menu at Maciel’s, but they have what is probably my very most favorite salad ever – the Gaspacho Salad ($7.75!!!). I really don’t understand the name as it has nothing to do with cold tomato soup, so just put that out of your mind. It’s a heaping portion of grilled steak, diced mango, chopped cilantro, tomatoes, onion, sliced avocado and shredded lettuce. It’s served with chipotle dressing and you can spice it up with one of the other house made sauces if you like. Ok, sure, the shredded lettuce is not providing the highest nutritional content a salad has ever offered, but it’s not a fried tortilla, right? And yes, the other salads at Maciel’s are pretty freaking good too. Read more about Maciel’s here. The Memphis Cobb at Carolina Watershed Pulled pork on a salad? Yes, please. According to the menu, the Memphis Cobb ($12.50) includes a nice serving of pulled pork, Carolina Watershed smoked applewood bacon, blue cheese crumbles, roasted cherry tomatoes, sweet onions and avocado. Our version also featured grilled corn, pickled onions, a hardboiled egg and a nice toast…your mileage may vary. Still a very solid choice. Be the Chef at Cheffie’s For those of you who like your salad the way you like it, then Cheffie’s is for you. (They have several signature salads to choose from if you don’t want to do the hard work of deciding too.) For $9.95 you can create your own masterpiece from a choice of greens (romaine, baby spinach, kale, or mixed greens), proteins (chicken, turkey, ham, roast beef, pimento cheese, tuna salad, egg salad, chicken salad), and more cheeses, fruit & veggie toppings, crunchies and dressings than I can list here. A basic bowl comes with one of everything, except toppings—you can choose up to four of those. There’s a small charge for double meat and any extras if you do not want to be constrained by any rules. The key at Cheffie’s, no matter what you get, is to let them CHOP IT ALL UP for you. It’s just somehow better that way. Shawerma Salad at Casablanca The Shawerma Salad ($10) is another one of my very most favorite salads, and I am amazed every time when I order it because it means I had the willpower to forgo the delicious falafel, hummus and pita. I do not pass up the tea though. I’m not completely crazy! Now, I do need to state for the record that there are two ways to get the Shawerma Salad. One is to just order it off the menu. The other way is to order a small Greek Salad ($5) and add lamb ($7). What’s the difference? The latter option gets you feta cheese and banana peppers. Both are key in my opinion and only the Greek has them. Lettuce, tomato, onion, black olives and cucumbers are on both. There’s also more meat options if you go with the Greek. It can be complicated, if you want it to be. Ha! Grille 901 (http://bit.ly/2F5fXSH) also has a fairly good approximation of this for $8.98 ($5.99 Greek Salad plus $1.99 for lamb) if you want a grab and go option, or something a little more casual. Get in the Chopper at City Silo Table + Pantry I want to eat EVERYTHING at City Silo. I love it so much. I wish it was in Midtown or Downtown. The Buffalo Tempeh and Sesame Cauliflower Bowl is my boyfriend, but sometimes I cheat on him with a salad. The Get in the Chopper ($11) is the most popular, and yes, it’s all chopped up and easy to eat. It features arugula, quinoa, sweet corn, cherry tomatoes, roasted pepitas, raisins, balsamic, pink salt, parmesan (if you want) and comes with cashew basil aioli. I add tempeh ($1.50), because where else can you add tempeh? You can also add avocado, egg, and/or chicken. Live it up! Memphis Belle at Tamp & Tap Tamp & Tap has overhauled their menu to give it a fresher, healthier feel. There are several new salads and The Memphis Belle ($9) makes a great lunch. The base is fresh spinach and the toppings are top notch –strawberries, feta, pickled onions, candied pecans, HALF an avocado, and in this case, grilled chicken (add $2). The chicken was served warm and gave the whole salad a really nourishing feel. The balsamic vinaigrette was the perfect final note. This seemingly simple salad will surprise you. This is also another great spot to sneak in a second coffee. Read more about Tamp & Tap.  Beef Salad at Bhan Thai The Beef Salad ($11.25) at Bhan Thai hits all of the right notes and lights up your mouth. Tender filets of beef are doused in a spicy mixture of lime, onions, and roasted chili pepper sauce; garnished with fresh tomatoes and cucumbers; and served atop a bed of fresh greens. Simple and delicious and you don’t miss having rice. Read more about Bhan Thai.  Portabella Salad at Central Barbecue For some it may seem blasphemous to go to Central and not get barbecue, but the salads at Central are worth a trip of their own, and they also provide an option for any vegetarians visiting Memphis who want to experience this local favorite restaurant. Central’s salads all build off of the basic House Salad ($5.25) which is romaine lettuce, carrots & red cabbage, served in a sun-dried tomato-basil tortilla bowl, topped with shredded colby-jack, tomatoes & pepperoncini peppers. If you want to add meat, it’s called a BBQ Chef Salad ($9.99). And if you want to add a portabella, and trust me, you do, it’s simply called the Portabella Salad ($7.35). Central grills the 7-8″ portabella mushrooms and marinates them in balsamic vinegar, olive oil & spices and makes them taste SO good. Grilled Salmon Nicoise at Majestic Grill If you are looking for a salad to fill you up, then the Grilled Salmon Nicoise ($11) is the ticket. A really nice serving of perfectly cooked salmon rests on a bed of greens and is surrounded by an amazing supporting cast – a hardboiled egg, artichoke hearts, black olives, green beans and tomatoes. Not surprisingly, this is one of many fine salads on the menu. You could spend a work week trying them all – the Majestic Cobb, The Seared Tuna, The Chophouse Salad, and The Old Post Office Waldorf are all just as worthy of their own starring role.  Shrimp Salad at The Cove For a dive bar that specializes in oysters, the Cove has a pretty nice selection of salads. There’s the Classic Caesar, the Mermaid (a wedge), the Port (featuring a portabella mushroom) and my pick, the Shrimp Salad ($12). It’s basic, but the five large seasoned grilled shrimp are flavorful and not too filling. Placed atop romaine lettuce and decorated with grape tomatoes, goat cheese and purple onion, the whole thing is lightly tossed with house made garlic lemon vinaigrette and topped with croutons. Goes great with a nice can of Wiseacre or one of their signature cocktails. And gives you a great excuse (“You had a healthy dinner”) to order Not Wings or Stoner Pie later in the evening! Field Trip Greens at Lunchbox Eats I’m not going to lie. The Field Trip Greens Salad ($10) with avocado ($4) and fried tenders ($4) may be the most expensive salad I’ve ever eaten ($18). And, I’m hoping I went on a day that they accidentally only put the teeniest amount of chicken tenders on my salad (accident?) But, having said that, this salad has good bones. There are homemade pickles, a tasty corn muffin, grilled corn, roasted peppers, and fun crunchies. I say no avocado is worth $4, but advocate for a nice serving of tenders and absolutely get a giant tumbler of lemonade. Made fresh each day, it’ll put a smile on your face no matter what happens to your salad! Holly here. Stacey and I had a few more we wanted to add in… Make Your Own Salad at Pyro’s Pyro’s is a local chain that is all about fast and affordable. Most people know them for their fast pizzas that you build yourself by choosing proteins, veggies, and other toppings. But, I actually love them for their salads, which are similarly constructed to order. It it my number one go-to when I’m in a hurry and need something filling and healthy. I get a large salad topped with shredded Cajun chicken, marinated zucchini and peppers, sliced almonds, feta, broccoli, and poppy seed dressing on the side. (The photo here is a slightly different version, also Pyro’s bread is now served in little rolls rather than like what’s pictured.) Mama’s Real Greek Salad at Rendezvous  Another salad from a barbecue restaurant?! Yep, I’m going to tell you the truth: the Greek salad from the Rendezvous is underrated. It’s colorful and fresh, with cucumbers, green peppers, tomatoes, olives, red onions, pepperoncinis, and feta, all tossed in some kind of magical Greek-seasoned vinaigrette. I’d eat it by itself, or with a side of brisket. Build Your Own Salad at Wild Beet Salad Co.   View this post on Instagram   A post shared by Wild Beet Salad Company (@wildbeetsaladco) on Dec 8, 2017 at 9:35am PST Wild Beet (originally known as Lettuce Eat) is a make-your-own salad place where you go down the line and have the attendants build you a delicious meal with the ingredients that you choose. They have a huge selection of options for proteins, including shrimp, quinoa, chicken, turkey, and more, plus just about every vegetable or other topping you can think of. Plus, this one from McEwen’s:   View this post on Instagram   Late lunch … but a good one! Jungle of Greens Salad with Seared Salmon at @mcewensmemphis ! One of my fav salads in town. #lunch #salad #wearememphisfood #salmon #eatseafood2xwk #healthy #yum A post shared by Jennifer Chandler (@cookwjennifer) on Dec 3, 2018 at 12:24pm PST Got more salads to add? Leave ’em in the comments. About The Author Stacey Greenberg is a freelance writer who lives in Cooper Young with her two teenaged sons. She’s a contributor to Thrillist.com, Edible Memphis, I Love Memphis, and Memphis Travel. She’s also the author of the award winning blog, Dining with Monkeys (diningwithmonkeys.com). A lifelong Memphian, she loves the fact that she’s never met a stranger here. Are you a home owner in Memphis, with a broken garage door? Call ASAP garage door today at 901-461-0385 or checkout http://bit.ly/1B5z3Pc

http://ilovememphisblog.com/2019/01/go-green-guide-to-the-best-salads-in-memphis/

[theherblifeblog]

Spotlight Series: Michelle Allred of LVCANNAGARS

This week we had the chance to learn about a Las Vegas company specializing in high-end, luxury cannabis “cannagars” “cannarillos”, “Rosegars” and the incredible looking “Perfecto”, the first paperless cannacigar. The company, LV Cannagars is owned and operated by Michelle Allred, a woman who has been blowing glass and rolling cannagars since she was in her late teens. Through vision and drive she has built her company into one of Las Vegas’ most respected cannabis companies and her products are enjoyed by everyone from locals to celebrities.

Check out the company’s Instagram for some truly drool-worthy shots and read on to hear Michelle explain how she got started and where she’s going.

How did you get involved in the cannabis industry?

I moved out of my parents house at 15, I immediately started blowing glass. By the time I was 18 I bought a small house, removed the kitchen and replaced it with a glassblowing studio and the other half of the house I grew cannabis. This was how I made a living for almost 7 years.  The second Arizona offered a medical card and became legal, I removed my home grow and retained a position with a state regulated and licensed grow facility. Once there, seeing all the excess cannabis, I asked our grow if we could try and make some "thai sticks". They had always been a goofy stoner day dream I had, and really wanted to try one, or make one. They were like a myth. I used to listen to all the vets describe them when I was young, and always wanted to experience what they had. In my first week of making them, I sold 10, the next week we sold 20 and then kept doubling our sales steadily for a very long time. Cannagars are a hand crafted product, that requires love and attention to each one in detail.  By the time I left Arizona I was selling 600 a month, I went to California and started a cannagar department in Arcata CA. Immediately learned how to increase production to 1000+ gars (cannagars) on my own and now exceed 3k units here in Nevada and training to expand production numbers and sales here shortly. Our production has never been able to meet the demand. So we are currently expanding.

Tell us a little bit about your product or service 

We are a luxury, craft cannabis production company. We create only fine quality, unique cannabis items you won’t find in any other state or dispensaries besides Nevada.  We make cannagars, this is our number one product. But we also create different style gars (cannagars) no one else creates currently on the market. Like our 100% paperless, wrapless cannagar the Galaxy gar, which is a flower core, drenched in concentrate and rolled in kief. It smokes solid for 30 minutes to 50 minutes with up to 20 people partaking. depending on lung capacity of course.  Our smallest cannagar 2 grams flower, 1.5 grams concentrate and fully cured cannabis leaves, has a solid 1 hour burn time with 3-15 people. We have had up to 30 people smoking on the smallest one, and it almost last a full hour.  We also make the only rose gar available in dispensaries, instead of cannabis leaves we use biologic edible organic rose petals, the most organic petals you can buy in the world. They are expensive, but pass state pesticide levels. We spend months testing organic rose companies for a solid source of truly organic rose petals. We only offer the best. This is our smoothest product we offer.

What time does your day typically start and what does a normal day look like to you?

Monday through Friday 5 - 6am to 6 - 7pm, I am hands on in cannagar production. Every cannagar and product we produce is made by three full time production cannarollers. We all have a specific stage of the cannagar process.  I mold the flower core and drench them in concentrate, the two other crew members wrap the cannabis leaves or rose petals around the gars. We all package.   Sat and sunday are reserved for celebrities, gatherings, popups, and giveaways. We work with a local dispensary in town to supply they're A list celebrity guests with custom cannagars adorned in 24 k custom gold lettering. Often accompanied with custom wooden cigar boxes and glass etched cigar tubes all made by us.

I also blow glass on weekends for giveaways with our products, we’re a start up and don’t have a lot of cash for giveaways or marketing at the moment, so I do most grassroots style :)  I'm working 7 days a week. Some days I will work through the night to make sure we don’t miss a deadline. 27-32 hour shifts are not uncommon for me at this point in building the company. I have financially held all responsibility of this company and it has been no small task for me, I take my responsibilities very seriously. I live, eat, bleed, breathe and literally dream of cannagars. It may be a slight obsession. I am fully driven to make this succeed.

What is your vision for your company going forward?

At first moving into multiple states. Expanding and building a solid foundation. Once this happens, I will be wanting to use the company to make a positive change somehow. Whether it leaves a very small change, but hopefully a much larger positive mark or change on the earth, we intend to try and do as much good as we can with the time we have. I don’t require much in terms of possessions. So I'd like to instead, reforest a deforested area. Plant a billion trees. Help children, homeless, maybe even help clean the oceans.  There is a website 4theOcean, we’re huge fans and intend to emulate them. They build bracelets made of recycled glass, they sell for 20$ and for every bracelet, they remove one pound of trash from the ocean.

We have asked, what if we do that with cannagars. For now, we are paying our bills and slowly being able to invest in extra product and small amounts of marketing or upgrades on packaging every once in a while. It's been slow, but very steady. We are not going anywhere, only growing roots here in Las Vegas. One of the most amazing towns I've ever lived. We’re beyond grateful for the opportunity to be here to have an opportunity to make sure we can give back. It's our ultimate goal.

What would an ideal post prohibition society look like to you? 

I want to see it dominated by craft and truly natural medical cannabis. I know all the small canna- businesses are worried and dreading the big pharma takeover, but I'm hoping and manifesting that we can all thrive and succeed. Some will want cheap, fast cannabis, synthetic pill forms of cannabis, but others with finer palettes and health requirements will want and need fine craft cannabis and cannabis products.  Hopefully large and small cannabis businesses have a place together in the future. It's the American dream; To work hard, make something of nothing. Hopefully with future regulations and laws we (the small cannabusiness) will be allowed to continue with this dream of the cannabis entrepreneurship. I also wish to see that the medical side hopefully doesn’t end up too pharmaceutical [in nature]. Hopefully keep our natural cannabis cures natural and not patented to create a synthetic version to be regulated, and used to prohibit the more natural side of cannabis.

What was your first experience with cannabis like? 

I was a fairly unhappy, sad child. Marijuana was the first time I truly felt a pure and utter happiness. I had never laughed so hard or smiled so much in my life. I could barely lift my head, I stared at the ground. But could hardly breathe from laughter. True and pure happiness, it was an incredible experience and it made its mark on me. An experience I have chased every day after that. I was a daily consumer after my first time. I ended up loving cannabis so much, I needed to make it my profession. I truly believe it's not only an incredible medicine, but is a most sacred plant.

Tell us about some of the challenges you face working in the cannabis industry 

Goodness, quite the question. Honestly, My first challenge was being a woman. It was a 99% male dominated industry in the beginning. As was glassblowing, which is where my cannabis career started. This created animosity and hard feelings for my talents and skills. No one wanted to look less knowledgeable than the girl on the crew.   I understand the dynamic but it never felt fair, and I lost two separate jobs from this particular perspective of others in the industry and many more issues due to me being a skill based female cannabis worker. I don’t like to harp on this, as it was a very negative aspect if my earlier career and now is almost the exact opposite. I actually receive recognition from many locals and people in the industry here for being a woman business owner, who started from nothing. So the tides have changed.  I'm deeply grateful and much more satisfied in my overall place in the cannabis industry now that women are more readily accepted, especially those without using physical attributes but more intellectual and skill based talents, which was something I personally feel was very gradually integrated into the industry in the past few years.

What are some solutions you've found? 

"I have used my oppressors as a drive, as a push."  -- Michelle Allred

Learning how to speak politically correct, how to use proper etiquette in all situations. Being uber polite has really helped, even going out of my way to help or complete jobs for the ones that didn’t appreciate my skills or necessarily want me around due ro me being female. I guess I tried to kill my opposers with kindness. Show them I’m not as bad as they think, I just wanted a home. A place to belong. And I belong nowhere other than cannabis. I also never stop, never quit, sleep less. Learned to work harder and longer than those around me and those that doubt or deny my true skills, knowledge and passion. I have used my oppressors as a drive, as a push. I have failed many times. But after falling I always get up and try again.

What is one thing you wish everyone knew about cannabis? 

It can cure cancer, or at least help significantly. It’s safer than alcohol. It’s safer than toothpaste. It has more medical benefits than any other plant or substance I know of. It's not just for the typical "stoner". Its for everyone, over the age of 21, and in severe medical cases, children as well. The list of conditions cannabis treats, is a mile long.

What is one thing you wish everyone knew about your product or service? 

That we are a small woman owned craft cannabis company that specializes in creating the most exotic and unique cannabis products available on the legal market today.

If you could go back in time and do it all over again, what (if anything) would you do differently? 

Protect myself better. Learning business and business coldness. Unfortunately, being a stoner kid, I had somewhat rosy colored glasses on when it came to community and cannabis and this industry. I would have protected my proprietary information and myself personally much better and required contracts instead of handshakes. I have learned contracts tend to keep people and companies accountable, upfront and transparent. Going from stoner to business owner was quite the learning curve, I won’t lie.

What is your favorite way to consume cannabis? 

In a bong. Or in a paperless, wrappless cannagar.

Concentrate or flower? Why? 

Mixed. I like both flour and concentrates combined for the terp profiles and affects.

Do you think cannabis legalization will change the world for the better? Why? 

I can see it going both ways. For the better If we can all keep it honorable. But if the pharmaceutical companies get control, I worry they will make synthetic versions of all our cannabinoids and patent them. This in itself is not a problem, it's more that I'm worried since its offered through a pharmacy in a pill form and patented, they will make the natural ways to consume it illegal again or regulate it so hard it would cause problems for the smaller businesses to produce and sell. Maybe I'm crazy. I just hope to see craft boutique cannabis have a solid foundation and place in the industry.

What advice would you offer to another woman who is looking to get into the industry? 

Be strong. In your convictions and what you stand for. Don’t sell yourself, your ideas, drive, passion, morals and ambition short. Believe in yourself. Sounds cliche, but I feel like people try very hard to push their own agendas, wants and needs on individuals like me who are trying to make a business and brand. It can be difficult to discern motives of others at times and counteract them for the future.

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

6 Gluten Free Life Lessons from a Celiac's First Full-Time Job

New blog post! When I randomly found a summer internship last year, I had no idea what I was getting into. Entity Magazine hadn't even launched yet; a handful of all-female interns in San Diego and Los Angeles - including me - were responsible for helping lay the ground work.

And then I fell in love with using my writing to empower women. (Ironically, a few weeks after my first boyfriend fell out of love with me). I kept working with Entity my last semester of college...and, now, as a college graduate, I'm still part of the Entity team. 

What has three months of working full-time taught me so far? Here are six gluten free lessons from this celiac's first "real" job! 

1. When you write what you're passionate about, people will notice. 

Thanks to my work with Entity, my computer history would confuse any FBI analyst. I've written about financial planning, instant happiness fixes, why all women should do a mud run and, most recently, what a mom who worked with the FBI wants parents to know about child abductions. You could say that my hands are often in ten cookie jars at the same time. 

However, my most successful article to date is also my most personal: an essay on living with celiac disease during the age of the gluten free fad. I shared it with y'all, my Facebook groups and my Instagram...and thanks to you amazing people, it went semi-viral. 

As a writing major, I've been trained to write about anything. And, not to brag, but I think I can write about most topics pretty well. But something magical happens when you write completely from the heart. I've seen this at this blog - with posts like this one or this one - and now I've seen it in my professional life as well.

Throwing it back to prom of '13!

Write what you really mean - and it'll mean that much more to others. 

2. Food prep is prepping for success. 

I still remember walking into the office on the first day of my internship and having our first meeting: a bagel breakfast. Although my boss was kind enough to grab me some fruit (now that is A+ celiac inclusion), I'd brought my own breakfast and lunch...and I kept doing that every workday that summer. 

Now that I'm working at home, meals are definitely a lot easier - and I'm 100% grateful for it everyday. However, food prep is still a must. You know the feeling: you're finally hitting the "flow" of your work when your stomach starts rumbling and the last thing you want to do is break for food. 

To make sure I can eat in a flash, I make a huge batch of smoothies over the weekend. Then, all I have to do is pop it in the microwave to defrost for 7 minutes and dig in as a I work! Check out this post for more ideas for make-ahead breakfasts and this one for packed lunches. There's nothing like having a delicious jar (or lunchbox) of inspiration waiting for you whenever you need it! 

Like my favorite overnight oatless zoats...

3. Blogging is a resume-worthy skill. Period. 

Sometimes, it's easy to downplay your blogging skills - especially if you're a woman. Studies have found that women are less likely to consider themselves "very qualified" and are more likely to give themselves lower self-evaluation scores. And while I know that I'm a bad ass 90% of the time, I'll still have moments when I think, "It's just a blog" or "I only have so-and-so many unique visitors a month, nothing compared to the real bloggers." My advice? STOP IT!

I never imagined that my blog could help snag me a job - but it did. This blog has taught me how to market my writing through social media. It has tutored me on the basics of online publishing, targeting and reaching an audience, moving people through the patter of my fingers on a keyboard and building a network of connections online.

Like Taylor at GlutenAway!

I've always known that blogging isn't a waste of time emotionally. It's my therapy, my scrapbook and my lifeline to people going through similar struggles as I am. But these last three months have shown me that blogging can also be career training. What's more awesome than that? 

4. If you're not a little afraid, you're not stretching yourself enough.

I'm not going to lie. When January first rolled around and I started working with Entity full-time, I was petrified. How would working from home, well, work? Would I be able to keep up with the high article turnaround? Could I adapt to the new demands of being a Senior Editor?

And, in the first month, there were plenty of bumps and detours. But, looking back. I couldn't feel more proud. I've bonded with the other Entity team members, even while states away. I've learned how to balance my own writing with interviewing experts, helping edit articles and undergoing more training. 

I couldn't have imagined landing this interview months ago!

And, as these three months have passed, Entity has grown stronger more every week. For instance, last week, we just broke our first big story about President Trump meeting with TMZ's Harvey Levin. Being a part of Entity from the embryo stage has definitely been a journey. But the work has been worth seeing how far the magazine has come - and hints of where we're going to go! 

5. I may not be a "normal" worker. But my health quirks don't detract from my skill. 

If this job has given me one thing, it's a reminder that my body isn't normal. I can't work 12 days straight and not have a physical and emotional breakdown. I can't do 40-hour-plus weeks and come back the next Monday ready to do it all over again. Is that frustrating? Heck yes. But is it the end of the world? No. 

I've been so grateful for the flexibility I've found with Entity. Our main goal is to empower women in every aspect of their daily lives - and I've seen this with the accommodations they've made for me. At the same time, though, I've also realized that I'm worth the extra "baggage" of celiac disease and fibromyalgia. 

Rockin' my fave celiac T-shirt...

I am not my diseases - but my diseases have made me stronger. They've made me too stubborn and dedicated to turn away from a challenge. They've made me empathetic and interested to hear and share others' stories. They've made me strong. And all of those qualities make me a good writer and a good employee, regardless of my health issues. 

6. A job is as great as you make it. 

Maybe you presently have a job that you absolutely love. Maybe you're struggling through every workday, dreaming of quitting. There will always be factors about your work that you can't easily change, like where your job is located or who you work with. However, you are also responsible for part of your own career happiness. 

Speak up if you're struggling and offer suggestions on how your job could change so you can do even better. Embrace the opportunities you're given, no matter how terrifying. I was shaking sweating in my boots when I traveled to Los Angeles to teach a class to other Entity interns, but, looking back, it's one of my favorite moments with Entity so far. 

A super flattering picture from the class ;)

Finding the "perfect" job is probably impossible. However, you can find moments of happiness in most jobs, even if it's just by befriending one co-worker or finding an awesome Thai place to get lunch at on Fridays. Advocate for yourself, follow your passions and dare to try something new - and who knows what will happen? 

It amazes me how much life depends on domino-like connections. My boyfriend and I broke up, giving me extra time (and motivation) to look for an internship. I found Entity and, now, I find myself still working with them almost a year later. 

All I have to say? I'm grateful for everything I've learned so far, and I'm excited to see what skills I'll discover next. And if these tips help just one of my readers, well, that makes my own career bumps worth it!

And if you ever find yourself bored on your lunch break...you can always see what I'm up to at my work by reading my articles at Entity here! 😉

What did your first "real" job teach you? Any gluten free lessons? Tell me below! 

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