#a few sessions in now and they are learning not to be a scaredy-cat

[apollos2]

my (not really) yuan ti baby 🥺

[shirophantomvox]

Random date night with Illumi, Hisoka, and Chrollo

Hello, anon! Ask and you shall receive! This prompt is very interesting and I will try to keep it in character as much as possible. To sum this up, Hisoka would take you to an ice cream shop, a carnival, or apple orchard while Illumi would rather go to an art or historical museum. Chrollo would persuade you to attend a book reading/author signing or go hiking. Depending on who you are and what your ideal date is, I’m sure you’d find them all fun. Going to a carnival or apple orchard is my go-to since I’ve barely been because they’re all in the suburbs. These headcanons are explained much more than the others. That is why Chrollo and Illumi seem to be short, but they’re not. Also, I can’t wait for Halloween because these headcanons are going to be amazing. I am extremely sorry if there are grammar errors! Taking classes on Zoom is frustrating and now my brain has to relearn everything that I lost in 3 months! Before we get started, I have a few announcements.

This post is more laid back than my other headcanons because I tried to keep it as canon as possible.

I want to thank you all for 65 followers! It means a lot! I’m happy to see that a lot of you enjoy my writing and like it enough to follow me! I have a challenge for you! When I reach 100 followers, I will host some type of writing event here...but I need ideas. I’ve seen some pages do specials where you can send an ask and pretend like you're talking to a character and I respond with what they’d say. SEND ME IDEAS! I WILL CREDIT YOU!

I will be stepping back a little more than before. I’ll still be logged in and re-blogging but as far as writing posts like this...it may only be once or twice a week. You see, I’m in college and I’m struggling financially and I have to work on scholarships. If you all send me an ask, be patient.

Voltron posts will only be created based on asks. I will not be writing posts about VLD if no one requests them. I do not receive any feedback from it anymore and no one seems to like them.

Now, let’s get into the post.

Let's start with Illumi first.

Headcanon 1: Illumi has a secret admiration for different types of art but he specifically enjoys pop art and surrealism. He has commented on how surrealism makes his brain twist and his feelings swirl as he tries to figure out the piece and what inspires it.

He prefers not to participate in tours as he likes to digest the art at his own pace.

Headcanon 2: In his spare time, he paints on a canvas. His art style consists of both surrealism and abstract art. For a person with a dark personality, his compositions always contain bright colors and abstract techniques that leave you wondering about his TRUE personality. He is truly a good man with a bright personality but after being abused for so long, those behaviors/personalities have been shoved so far down his throat that they may not come back up.

He has a bad habit of asking you what you thought about every single piece of art you passed. The conversations were great but this is a date after all. The playful conversation slowly turns into a lecture about art. Although you loved your bf’s dictionary-like brain it also drained your energy.

One of his favorite artists is Vincent Van Gough. Although he favors surrealism, Van Gogh’s art style was mind-blowing to him. So amazed that he buys several Van Gogh t-shirts from the gift shop.

His favorite piece created by Van Gough is “Starry Night”.

He notices that you are becoming bored and decides that it is time for MORE excitement, one that you are certain to enjoy.

“Where are we going,” you ask, pretending to be interested.

“Down to the basement. We are going to have a bite to eat.”

Since Illumi rarely smiled, when he did smile it drove you wild. The anticipation of what his next move was going to be is what drove that wildness. Being a bounty hunter was thrilling already but dating a smart, badass assassin was totally out of your league but it worked out.

Headcanon 3: Illumi’s idea of being romantic is dramatically different from yours. He believes just spending time with you on the couch was enough. He is correct; but if you have the time and funds, your time together should be a little spontaneous. You insisted on dates outside of the house because his family will not stay out of your business.

“Illumi, I am too hungry for more trivia.”

He chuckles. “Don’t worry. So am I. That is why I’ve decided to take you to a wine and cheese party.”

Huh? Wine and Cheese at 3PM? That’s ok. When was there a time limit on when you can drink alcohol?

Illumi has indirectly attended parties as such when he was 15 years old. He never drank, but he watched as his mother’s friends (surprisingly) talked about business and their children. This time, you weren’t going to talk about business for once. Instead, you two were going to actually talk about what couples discuss.

Headcanon 4: When introduced to alcohol for the first time, Illumi immediately stated how he hated brown liquor. That includes Hennessy, Jack Daniels, etc. It makes him sick to his stomach. He prefers to drink Smirnoff mixed with fruity drinks like strawberry or pineapple.

He loves it when you make these drinks for him on a summer day.

Hence the title wine and cheese, you both go to a stand-up table, place your brochures down, and actually have a wonderful conversation not involving work or hunting.

Illumi smiled a few times, more than usual. Whenever he appears to be softer even around you, that is because he has mellowed out and doesn't have the overbearing weight of his family on his shoulders. You set him free.

Hisoka

According to a one-shot that another manga artist created, they expressed that Hisoka was found on the side of the road, was taken in by someone that worked at a local circus, and learned Nen in a matter of days. Hisoka’s clown look and having the skills of a magician proves that this has to be canon in some way.

Headcanon 1: Given this potential backstory, going to a carnival is his go-to every summer. He wants to take you to a circus but saves that for you as an engagement gift.

Everyone with a heart knows that whether or not you’re in a relationship or not the carnival is fun as hell! Expensive fried food, elephant ears, funnel cake, ICEE’s, rides, and stuffed animals are to die for!

Being at a carnival relaxes him so his bloodlust isn’t activated unless someone bumps into him and causes a scene.

Headcanon 2: PDA is something that Hisoka does well; he doesn’t overdo it but does it enough where people get the impression that you are a couple and aren’t “best friends”.

While completing a mission depending on how rough it may be, he insists that you tag along to see how he handles the situation. You’ve already seen his ruthlessness from Hunter’s exam but he insists.

His sense of pride gets the best of him sometimes. Sometimes his head is so big that it reminds you of a large birthday balloon.

Headcanon 3: ANYWAY, given his nature, he is very adventurous, dangerous, and courageous. If he wants to go on the Demon Drop, he’ll do it and you DO not have a choice in the matter. He’ll tease or guilt trip you into doing something that you would not like to do.

“Well, you wouldn’t want me to cling on to someone else, would you?”

“No. Of course not,” you reply.

“Let’s go then, scaredy-cat.”

As a hunter, you’ve seen worse. Why are you so afraid to go on a ride?

Headcanon 4: At apple orchards, cornfield mazes are one of his favorites. You cannot for the life of you figure out how to get out but he can. He grabs a scarecrow and scares you from behind. That annoys you but is nothing compared to later on that night.

Oh. My. God. It’s haunted house time!

“Hisoka, I’m not going in!”

“Why not? I’ll protect you.”

“Because they’re monsters and I already have to deal with one.”

It took him a second to catch on that you were talking about him.

“That’s going to bite you in the butt, kitten.”

Headcanon 5: Like Killua, Hisoka has a sweet tooth. Don’t allow his buff appearance to fool you!

He LOVES caramel apples, elephant ears, funnel cake, freshly squeezed lemonade, fudge, and cotton candy. How can this man manage to stay in shape? The world may never know.

Headcanon 6: He isn’t one to play by other people’s rules but he sets his own rules with your relationship that you both must obey. One of those rules says that neither of you can be on your phones while together.

Headcanon 7: Hisoka insists that you both wear either matching pants or matching shirts to avoid unnecessary flirtation.

He isn’t jealous but on “us time”, he doesn’t want to lose a single second.

Headcanon 8: Hisoka only jumps in when necessary. Given that you’ve passed the hunter’s exam and work as a bodyguard, he knows you can handle your business. If the person can’t take a hint, then he steps in. They almost back up immediately considering Hisoka is towering over them.

When the moon shines, you both go to the car and off to sleep in your comfy king-sized bed.

Chrollo

We all know that Chrollo loves to read! What does he specifically like to read? What Genre? Does he like to read alone or with other people?

Although Chrollo is a thief and must be hidden in the shadows, the authorities have called off the search for him for at least 3 years. Slowly but surely, he begins to find himself in the outside world again.

Chrollo once discussed a book with the Phantom Troupe when they were being transported to another place for a mission. He read “Tears of a Tiger” by Sharon M. Draper.

The reading sessions are opened with an affirmation and a reason to be thankful to be alive. He says he is thankful for the troupe, glances at you, and smiles. No one catches on to that sly face except for Phinks.

Headcanon 1: Chrollo is very silent and shy to an extent. He only associates with people he knows and trusts. You are the social butterfly at this moment.

Chrollo tags along behind you like a shy child, holding your hand while you stick out your free hand to greet everyone.

Today, the book club was going to read “Divergent”.

Headcanon 2: Although he loves to read, he hates it when others read out loud. Most people are drably read and it annoys him. After a while, he takes over. Chrollo was tense the first 30 minutes of the meeting because two cops were there but neither of them noticed it was him.

Headcanon 3: Chrollo often acts the part of the character that he is reading in the book. His tone, attitude, and emphasis on certain words keep the group engaged. He is complimented on his acting!

“Good Job, honey,” you whisper.

He responds by tightly squeezing your hand.

His tone was so impressive that the host insisted that he read for the entire night. He was ok with that because in between reads he was often distracted by a lovely pair of jeans and shoes you had on. You were into writing, so hearing others read and act out the characters helped.

Headcanon 4: In some settings, Chrollo is very braggadocious. He insisted that the group read one of your stories so you could be provided with feedback.

“We’d be delighted to view your story, y/n!”

“It will be fun!”

The book club wasn’t a stereotypical club that only consisted of soccer moms but instead consisted of men and women who were involved with a business, law enforcement, health, etc. This was an open space for everyone to relax and forget about their demanding jobs.

After the meeting, the group went to dinner at a nearby pizzeria. You all enjoyed large pizzas, beer, salads, and dessert. How could your stomach (or anyone’s stomach) hold that much?

Chrollo laughed so much that it made you question if he was your actual boyfriend or not. He even engaged in conversations with the two off-duty cops! For once, you helped Chrollo experience the greater things in life; true love, friendship, and happiness.

“Thank you,” he whispered and slyly placed a kiss on your hand. “For everything.”

[thejosh1980]

If you're lookin' for trouble...

On 30th October I posted part I “Love Me Tender” and on 9th November I posted Part II “TCB”. This is part III of that story... You know, the very vague story of my first job down under in almost 20 years...

Part II left off where I had worked the first “session” with a company over 3 long nights. It was super exciting, a lot to learn, very overwhelming and, yet, I survived. I had met my new colleague (now friend) “Peggy” who was my lifeline during those early days at work...

In Part II, I also mentioned that I got offered 1 of a possible 2 “sessions”... Well, let me clear this up, not only did I get the 2nd session, but I got a surprise 3rd one as well! I'm on fire baby! I'm in need! The big cheese chose me to work for him!!

Not to mention I even got a little casual work on the side for a small local company!!

Awesome...

When you're hot, you're hot!

Looking back, I can't believe that I was such a “scaredy cat” when I went for the “interview” (see “Love Me Tender”), but that's how it is, living with anxiety. I was so worried about everything that could go wrong and I was constantly a breath away from giving up... It is something that happens almost daily in my life. I do have good days, but often any big new challenges or changes in my life, bring a new level of anxiety.

2020 has been a trying year for all of us, some changes and challenges have been choices, but many have not...

And then sometimes, I would do things without thinking...! I'd just do... I feel like I have no in between. I'm either totally carefree or totally overwhelmed.

Today I feel great, because I'm a conqueror of my demons.

After all these recent opportunities, challenges and work during the past few weeks, I am an old hand at it... I can make it... I can survive... no, wait.... I can overcome...

During my 12 years in Germany, I lost the art of “small talk”... I just couldn't strike up a conversation with anyone in the street or a shop, partly because my German sucked and partly because Germans don't generally do that kind of thing... But Aussies sure do!!!!!

Here, when you're buying something at the grocery store, you're expected to give your life's story between paying and getting your change!! You're expected to open up, but in a kind of superficial way... Not that Aussies aren't caring and concerned people, I just tend to have very deep and meaningful conversations or none at all... No in-between...

Because I managed to get through the “interview”, and the first “session”, I re-learnt the art of small talk... Mind you, I'm not perfect, and my anxiety plays up regularly, but at least I've managed to meet, greet and chat with folks...

I was working with upwards of 800 people during a 3-4 day period. Of course, I didn't talk with everyone, but I did talk with a few close to me. I made some jokes. I talked mental health with one individual who recognized the look in my eye during an overwhelming part of the work. I had Peggy to support me, even though she was now often far away, a simple wave or smile my way really made my day. But most of all, I tried that small talk thing, and it worked well for me, and often the discussion did become deep and meaningful in some way.

Sure, I still struggle with it, I probably will for the rest of my life, but I was forced to either sit quietly, or be social...

In this day and age of online only communication in a pandemic world, it seemed like a good time to stand up and be counted... So I opened my mouth, after all, what could possibly go wrong?

I got to watch some fantastic people work around me too... Sorry, not work, but inspire! Inspirational people come in all shapes and forms, and I had the chance to experience folks who were so well trained, they could repeat their performance, their work, with every nuance perfectly timed, perfectly played out, perfectly perfect for the work they were doing. I was in awe... It was awesomeness in the making... Damn I'm one lucky guy...

I also can't believe my luck to get called back so many times for work. This ain't rocket science, anyone can do it, but that makes it even more the special, right?? Someone chose me... Because I look a certain way, talk a certain way and work a certain way that suits their plan...

Cool beans!

I don't know if they'll ask me to work again in 2021, but I don't mind?? I started something... I took (many) small steps to make big leaps and challenge myself. Damn I feel good about that!

Wouldn't you??

I know some of my other blogs about work were pretty long, so I'm trying to keep this one short... It's hard to do!!

I can't over emphasize how much I appreciate myself at the moment... modest much?? What I mean is, I am so glad I took those risks to get me to the point of overcoming some (but not all) of the challenges I chose to lay in front of me. Get me??

When I got married, and then fairly quickly divorced, the first time, I did not treat myself or my then wife that same way. Now, I wish, back then, that I had the confidence to speak my mind, challenge myself and my wife, and better the relationship. Instead of being a coward who sabotaged the relationship, hurting us both (a lot) in the process. If I had to do it over again, with the skills I learnt recently, and the confidence those skills gave me, things would have turned out differently. Sure, we may have broken up still, but we would have done it much more “adult” like...

It only took me 10 more years to learn this!!! I'm a slow learner... But it's ingrained in me now!

But, I digress.

I just wanted to let you know how I felt, after I had several more amazing experiences since part II was written, that I really want to share with you, but I can't tell you about. Well, at least not yet. Keep an eye out in about a year, say November 2021, for another blog where I can share more about the work I've been doing these past weeks...

I worked 9 long days for one company, and one short day for another. I did something I NEVER thought I would ever have the opportunity or balls to do.

What a ride it's been!

Thanks for reading,

Joshua

[3laxx]

Wind Chapter 14

Post fight care

Whaddup suckers!! Back with a new chap! Some self indulgent DJWifi, I hope that's okay with you xD But I really need to get back into writing and these two dorks are actually helping me massively, so, bear with me here xD Anyway! I'm updating, surprisingly so! That was a damn fast year, happy Halloween 2020 and shiz lololol Enjoy!

Ao3 / FF.net

“Oh my god, Nino, I was worried sick!! Where did you go during the fight?!”, he squinted his eyes at Alya’s reaction while Master Fu was busy removing the bandage around the hand that didn’t hold his phone.

“… I, uh-… I ran away, Alya. I was scared.”

“You could’ve just told me that, I would’ve turned around with you!”, she yelled now, making Master Fu smirk silently. The deadpan Nino sent through the silent line was enough to make Alya visibly roll her eyes, “… Okay, maybe I wouldn’t have turned around with you. But I at least would’ve liked to know before you bolted.”

He just sighed, nodding gratefully at Master Fu who now started rolling up the bandage, revealing healed skin.

“I’m sorry, Alya.”, he mumbled, “I didn’t mean to leave you behind like this. The car came flying and I just-… Wanted to get away.”

His own lie made him cringe as it was now his girlfriend’s turn to sigh. He wished he could tell her why he ran away, and he really didn’t want to take the role of a scaredy-cat now, that he had a secret identity to keep. A second life in which he was needed to be courageous. He already saw it coming how the acting would fuck with his head.

But she didn’t seem to catch on, much to his relief. Master Fu had told him about the magic keeping the veil over their secret identity, so nobody could actually tell. Actually, Alya went quiet for a while, giving him the chance to warm up a little by drinking a bit of his tea, while waiting for her to speak up again.

“… Was it because of that panic attack?”, she asked slowly, and immediately made him feel guilty again for leaving her behind like this.

But he had a secret to keep from her now. He had a responsibility now, a second life, and he had to keep it from her at all costs. Not to endanger her or his family. Or his friends’ lives again. Especially Adrien’s life. Hawkmoth couldn’t know another one in the class of his son was a superhero. The connection was too obvious.

“… Nino?”, she tried again and he snapped out of it.

“Y-Yeah. Because of the panic attack.”

Again, silence filled their call and he shared a glance with Master Fu, feeling entirely uncomfortable in his skin. He had to make her believe it had been because of the panic attack, otherwise she wouldn’t get off his tail. Nothing against Alya, but even regarding her loved ones, her reporter curiosity sometimes got the best of her.

“Are you home?”, she asked now and he squirmed under the raw worry in her voice, feeling that she was ready to put on her jacket and go to him.

“Uhm. Yeah. I’m home. Wanna meet?”, Master Fu looked up to him and squinted his eyes, making Nino helplessly shrug.

“I’ll be right there!”, she sounded relieved, so relieved he wanted to cry.

“O-Okay, see you in 15.”, his reply already got swallowed in the final beeping sound, signaling him she had hung up, probably to hurry over to him. With hunched over shoulders he finally met Master Fu’s gaze and gulped, seeing the old man huffing at his rash response.

“You’ll need to hurry, young Nino.”

The boy sighed in exasperation and nodded, trying to get up but finding himself unable to at first. It needed a helping hand from his master and a bit of work to get to his feet, making him groan.

“I’m sorry, Master Fu… But she would’ve been suspicious if I hadn’t been home.”

The old man just nodded at that, completely understanding, but Nino could tell he was not exactly happy about letting his student go that quickly after his first Akuma attack, especially when being in a hurry.

“Yes, I understand. She is worried, she wants to make sure you are fine. But what are you going to tell her about this?”, he gestured to Nino’s blue jaw, making the boy flinch.

“W-Well… I fell over some street barriers? Or some stairs while looking back?”

He thought he could see a slight smirk on the old man’s face before he turned his back to him, to put back the bandage from where he had taken it.

“I see, your lies are about as much believable as Ladybug’s.”

Nino rolled his eyes to that but nodded, humming.

“Yeah, yeah, just laugh about me. Wayzz, Shields up!”, with a flash of green he transformed and groaned at the shield resting on one of his many bruises. The master just sent him a smirk, before pushing a tiny tube into his hand.

“This one will help with the bruising. And tell Chat Noir that you will need to learn how to cushion a fall and absorb a hit. Alright?”

Carapace nodded, waving at Master Fu with the small tube, then he jumped out of the back window, quickly getting onto the roofs and running back home. On his way he passed Alya, who thankfully didn’t look up and was a good ten minutes away from his home still, so he went ahead, transformed back in a hidden doorway, only to “arrive home” for his parents.

Luckily, they didn’t question why he was already back home, since they had heard of the Akuma attack earlier today, and he managed to get to his room relatively quickly, so his mom wouldn’t see his jaw. With a relieved sigh, he closed the door behind him, then he gave Wayzz a small bowl of sunflower seeds which he hid behind some books in his cupboard, as the doorbell already sounded through the apartment. Alya was here.

With a grimace he sat down on his desk chair, pretending to be on the computer, and to be out of direct view from his door, then he waited for his mother to call him and let him reply to just send Alya to his room.

Luckily, just a few seconds later, Alya entered the room without his mother, mindfully closing the door behind her, only then Nino dared to turn around and immediately shush her before she would react loudly.

Alya, being the quick thinker, only lifted her hands to her mouth, then she crossed the room and gingerly took his face between her hands, cupping his jaw so softly he almost didn’t feel it.

“Oh gosh Nino…”, she exhaled, and he already saw her eyes getting a little wet at his condition.

“D-Don’t worry.”, he tried with an apologetic smile, “It’s just a bruise. In two days, it’ll be gone. Just, uh, mom doesn’t know about this and I’d like to keep it that way.”

Alya scrunched her eyebrows together but decided to say nothing as of now, just inspecting his jaw and swallowing back her tears, then she squinted her eyes at him.

“… What happened?”, her voice was dangerous.

“U-Uh, I tripped. When I ran away. It’s okay though, really.”, he tried, not really keeping his voice stable enough for his taste, but for her it seemed to be enough. He gulped inconspicuously as she turned away, running her hands through her hair.

“God, Nino, what am I supposed to do with you?”, she groaned so he not really quickly got up and pouted at her when he grabbed her hips, turning her back to him to catch her eyes.

“Well… Ladybug and Chat Noir can’t exactly keep me from tripping… And, I mean, shouldn’t you be happy you don’t have to worry about a plus one in a fight?”

His attempt at a smile was quickly overshadowed by her devastating deadpan, so he already shrunk together at the scolding he’d get from her, but instead she just deflated, resting her shaking head against his chest and lifting her hands beside it, brushing over his shirt.

“… Just look out where you’re going…”, she pleaded, and he earned her rolling her eyes when he made a joke. “You really wanted to blame me for falling over a couple of stairs just now?”

She gruffly pushed against him but made sure to keep close, still leaning her head against his chest.

“Don’t test it, Lahiffe. Just don’t test it.”

He laughed and kissed her head as she mumbled the same question as before, wondering what she should do with him, then he nudged her forehead.

“You could kiss me?”, he suggested as she leant back to look up to him, already grinning painfully at the little smirk on her lips. She gave up on pretending to still be angry, he felt it, and gave him a tiny peck on the cheek, being well aware of his bruise not to pain him any more than necessary.

“That’ll have to do for now. Let’s get on the bed.”

He suggestively waggled his eyebrows which just earned him a look, then he lied down and offered to cuddle with her, which she accepted in relief.

Softly, Alya’s weight pushed down the mattress beside his hips, then he felt her lying down on her side, resting her head on his shoulder and pulling her legs up, nudging him to rest his legs over hers.

“… That feels way better…”, he admitted, glad to be off his feet for today, and to be in a position that hurt considerably less than the hard mat on Master Fu’s floor.

“And now, the therapy session is a go.”, his girlfriend mumbled in his arms, closing her eyes while she yawned.

“Hm, you didn’t sleep as much. Say, what is keeping you up at night?”

He chuckled at the light pat on his chest that she gave him instead of another push, appreciating her being so soft right now.

“No, I mean, your therapy session. What was that about before the fight? That panic attack you had?”

He huffed and looked up to his ceiling, his eyes wandering over the remains of small plastic stars that he had stuck on the walls and ceiling as a little kid, which could glow in the dark.

“Eh… You know… Old memories.”, he replied vaguely and immediately felt her hand sliding up his chest to the point where Hawkmoth had stabbed him. It annoyed him to push that scar, that memory, back up in their heads and to repeatedly direct the talk to this topic, but he couldn’t help it. It was the perfect cover up for his secret identity and he needed her to believe he was becoming genuinely scared of Akumas now, to absolutely rule out any possibility of him being Carapace.

It was the easiest way, and he had the opportunity of pretending this trauma was the reason for him to stay away from fights.

Well, it wasn’t exactly untrue, he knew that. The panic attack had been real, and it had been based on that event, that much was true. Well, and the responsibility of having to fight his very first Akuma as a real team member and of course the crushing fear he’d felt of now having to be an actual part of the fight. It had been easy, watching and standing by the sidelines, cheering for his childhood heroes back then. And it had still been easy when they had grown up, coming to the mindset of carelessness, where he had the attitude of “Ladybug and Chat Noir will handle it anyway, what’s there to care about”.

It had of course changed when the Miraculous cure had gone missing along with Ladybug, when every damage had started to stay, and when he was suddenly forced to be in a lot more fights than he had felt comfortable with.

The Desertifier incident was a perfect example of that. He had finally felt, for the first time, how stressful it was to be in the middle of a fight, and he had finally understood how bad it had been for Ladybug and Chat Noir these past years, how hard these months alone had been on Chat, actually.

But he had still not been a prime target on the Akuma’s radar.

He had still been a harmless civilian, a wannabe hero, and most importantly, not a threat.

Now, with his suit, his shield and his new powers, he posed a threat in the Akumas’ eyes and he knew, now he was gonna be a target, worth the attention of a fighter, not a bystander.

Of course, this was scary.

Not that he could actually tell Alya that, of course. He’d have to explore the trauma idea more.

“… Does it still hurt sometimes…?”, she suddenly asked, her speech mumbled because her mouth was pressed against his shirt, her face squished against his chest. It was not at all what he had expected, hence he spluttered for an answer before trying to calm his beating heart at the sudden intimacy with which Alya talked to him about this.

She was normally not one to beat around the bush, he had gotten to know her as a very straight-forward girl and he knew she didn’t have a stick up her ass. Insults, slurs, lewd topics, even black or coarse humor wasn’t a problem for her. She wasn’t going to mince matters.

But being open about problems?

Actually, talking about stuff that weighed down on her, or telling people honestly that she didn’t feel good about a thing that happened, that was not her style. It was connected to a lot of effort for her to voice something like that so he naturally was a bit taken aback at her asking him that so openly. Especially since he sensed where the talk would go.

“… I-I mean-… Yeah, sometimes…? Like, when I think back at it, or have a nightmare about it… Or when I’m reminded of something similar… Then it kinda hurts. What about you?”

He gingerly touched her arm resting on his chest, over the multiple little cuts that still visibly stood against her brown skin with a faint, unnatural silver, as if they had just a few weeks ago. They both knew, even if they had healed off completely, that she would forever wear them as a reminder of the Cataclysm bursting through her skin, and he knew they still sometimes flared up, making her flinch, when she was too close to Chat’s magic.

Alya merely nuzzled close as a response to his question, humming in discomfort, making him cuddle her closer and almost pull his hand away from hers, just when he felt her holding onto his fingers.

“… Sometimes…”, she hesitantly spoke up, keeping her face hidden from him, not having to make eye contact. He knew she didn’t like that during the few real talks they had, “… I don’t wanna admit it… But maybe Plagg’s right about them being magical… Maybe I should see him about that again…”

Nino nodded and closed his eyes, to make her feel more at ease with him not pressuring her to look at him.

“… Maybe… Though, he did have the theory that Chat’s Cataclysm in that Observatory pulled out all the remaining magic. Since, it only adds up to destruction, doesn’t stop it.”

Alya huffed and nodded, then she pulled her hand out of his to wrap her arm around him, resting it over his stomach and holding him close.

“… Yeah, maybe… Oh well. Plagg said if I keep away from magic, I’ll be fine either way, so, even if there’s something left inside my body, I’ll be fine.”

With a heavy sigh he nodded at that, then he made eye contact with Wayzz in his bookshelf, pressing his lips together.

“… S-Sure… If you keep away from magic…”

He could only hope Plagg meant the black cat’s destructive magic. But he’d have to ask Master Fu about that.

[softlunars]

unholy.

60 things ; things you said that i wish you hadn’t & things you said with clenched fists. — bang chan ; stray kids

demon au! —fallen angel!chan x demon!reader

requested: [yes!]

(a/n): “nunc ostende te” is latin for “now show yourself.” i didnt,,, wanna look up an actual demon summon cause i’m a whole ass scaredy cat so that’s the most i did sjzknaksmz

technically, chan shouldn’t be doing this. he shouldn’t be drawing a pentagram on his apartment floor. he shouldn’t be opening a summoning book. and he definitely shouldn’t be flipping to the demons section of said book.

this would’ve all applied to him if he still had wings on his back. but he didn’t — they were clipped off months ago, and chan was sent to tumble down to the earth, forced to make his own path from then on. did it bother him? well, maybe if he thought about it enough, it would. he doesn’t allow himself to drift off to the past, though; things are left in the past for a reason, and sometimes, they’re better off there — to be forgotten.

chan thumbed through the demons section, his eyes flitting across the hundreds of pages until he found what he was looking for.

how to summon a demon.

he scanned the page, looking for the ceremony that had to take place. he skipped over the descriptions of demons — different types, kinds of powers, different demon specialities. chan wasn’t interested in all that; he just wanted to summon a demon. did he have any reason? no, not really. maybe he wanted to spite God further or something, he didn’t know.

the book, which was filled with descriptions of supernatural beings and different summons, materialized in front of him in the early dawn. the ancient literature acted as if it were a magnet, reeling in chan’s interest until he finally picked it up. which is how he found himself in the middle of a pentagram.

he set the book down, outside of the pentagram’s reach. a nervous huff of air left him. why the hell was he doing this? he didn’t want to come face to face with a soul-eating creature from the depths of hell, and he certainly didn’t want to be ripped to shreds before his soul followed suit.

chan continued anyways. he’s already finished the preliminary setup — there was no legitimate reason to stop now.

he took a deep breath in a futile effort to relieve his nerves. was chan stupid? going through with this, yes, he most likely was. did he lose his mind? most definitely.

chan took a quick glance at the sentences he needed to utter. he had to get them right; if he didn’t, he might as well sell his soul to the actual devil.

he began the chant, albeit very shakily. chan was certain he was going to die tonight. his few months spent on earth were going to abruptly end as soon as he finished.

“nunc ostende te.” as he uttered the final sentence, chan snapped his eyes open. if he were going to die right now, he might as well look his killer in the eyes.

the dim flicker of the candles’ flames were the only things he could see. nothing moved, nothing changed, not even the air felt different — something chan thought to be the first aspect to dramatically shift after chanting a summon this dark.

he breathed a sigh of relief. thank the heavens that didn’t work.

the candles were extinguished. the air became bitingly cold. and suddenly, chan feared for his life.

“i don’t know who’s coming out but you don’t have to show yourself — i’d be more than happy to just go to sleep.” he spoke into the still air, trying to convince whatever spirit entered his apartment to leave him the hell alone.

“you summoned me, man. it’s your fault you asked for a demon.” a dark voice bounced off his living room walls. as it stopped speaking, a body materialized at the edge of the pentagram. well, chan thought, it was a nice couple months.

the gaze that met his eyes was apathetic, empty and almost… entertainingly bored. there were no visible horns, no bats’ wings or pointy tail chan could make out. if he didn’t know any better, he’d assume the person in front of him was just a mortal.

you spoke again, this time with an amused edge decorating your speech. “i don’t take fallen angels’ souls, if that’s why your mind’s traveling twenty trillion miles an hour. i don’t even collect souls in general, dude. i just fuck with people.”

“how did you know i’m a fallen angel?” chan’s eyes glinted with a curious apprehension; he knew demons could read minds — angels were granted that ability, as well — but he didn’t know they could differentiate immortal beings from mortal ones. this was something angels weren’t granted the gift to do. unless they made themselves known to each other, angels weren’t able to tell supernatural from human.

“you got a funny aura ‘round you. i usually only see that with fallen angels or whatever. but what’s a former God’s kiss-ass doing in the middle of a pentagram?” you raised an eyebrow conspicuously. the few times you were summoned before, you’d only been greeted by a handful of fallen angels. their reasoning for summoning such a dark creature was simple — they were bored and wanted to tell their former ruler to “fuck off.”

chan shrugged his shoulders at your question. he didn’t have a response; he didn’t even know why he did it himself. your head rolled back on your shoulders as a sharp laugh echoed throughout the room.

“your thoughts are fucking hilarious, just thought i should tell ya.” your comment made a blush furiously form on chan’s face. maybe this was a really shitty idea.

“listen, fallen angel, i gotta make other rounds, so i’m gonna strike a deal with ya.” you watched as your summoner’s eyebrows rose, prompting you to continue.

“i ain’t gonna do some typical demon shit, alright? but i wanna mark ya — it isn’t a bad thing, man, calm down!” you really were entertained by this. what a hell of a fun time this was making itself out to be!

chan’s eyes squinted as he stared you down. he had his apprehensions, of course — he didn’t know what the hell a mark was; he was never taught that! what if this was a way for you to siphon his soul from him, bit by bit, until you drained it from his body entirely?

“it’s just so i’m the only demon that’s allowed near ya. no one else can come anywhere close to you with this. so, while you’re protected from other nasty lil’ shits, you got your own lil’ shit that can annoy you until the end of the universe.” you observed the former angel’s face, gauging his reaction to your offer. you were pleasantly surprised when he nodded his head.

“fine. mark me.”

after you marked the fallen angel, you found yourself constantly appearing at his side. he would almost jump out of his skin every time, which always provided you with an intense laughing session.

you learned quite a bit about chan. you were informed about the difficult schooling he was put through as a child; he’d reveal small bits and pieces about his life in the clouds, like how one time he almost made a fellow angel kick his ass past recognition.

“i was a really shitty angel, now that i think about it.” chan laughed out once, on one of the times you accompanied him at nightfall. “maybe you shoulda been born a demon.” you had joked that night, but chan took it harsher than you intended. the shift in his emotions was evident, as he turned colder toward you until you left him alone for the following week.

you chose your words more carefully after that night. sure, you were a demon — a supernatural entity born for the sole purpose of evil. but being a creature formed from pure hatred didn’t hinder the conscience you owned, regardless of how small it was.

your efforts weren’t always fruitful. tonight was one of those times.

chan had turned colder than ice just moments before, a comment you made angering him once more. the fallen angel became mute, barely even acknowledging you were still in his apartment. it hurt your feelings — pissed you off more than anything. you never intended to attack him with your choice of words. but, regardless of how cautious you were, so many things seemed to set chan off.

“chan, i dunno what your whole… issue or whatever is, but you ain’t gotta be a dick to me ‘cause of it.” you felt the boiling pit in your stomach grow as chan turned to face you. if looks could kill, both of you would have been reduced to dust.

“my problem, (y/n), is your heartless comments about how i ‘should’ve been born in hell.’ i was born an angel for a reason, just like you were born a demon for a reason.” his voice sliced through the air, making the fire in your stomach pour out. if chan wanted to see why you were a demon, oh, was he going to see why.

“okay, kid. your wings were torn off your back for a reason, and you wanna know why? ‘cause you fucking failed at being an angel! you couldn’t appease God, you couldn’t reach the standards he set. you. fucked. up.” your aura darkened as you continued spitting words at chan. flames seemed to form around your body as your fury fueled you.

“which means, angel boy, that you weren’t cut out to stay behind those damn pearly gates! you weren’t a good fit. you weren’t meant to stay at God’s ‘holy fucking side.’”

chan’s gaze filled with hatred and indignation as your jabs reached his ears. how dare you say that to him? how dare you act as if you know anything about heaven, about God?

his fists clenched and unclenched by his side as he listened to your tyraid. finally, chan snapped after your last insult hung in the air.

“you might as well have been banished to hell, ‘cause at least you woulda been surrounded by people who fucked up just as bad as you did, and people who were just as shitty as you.”

“stop acting as if you know anything about heaven. you’re a lowlife demon, for fucks sake!” his words felt hotter than the flames that licked at your skin down in hell.

“you’re the scum of the supernatural world. you hold no good in your heart, no light in your soul — nothing!” you watched as the glint in his eye grew into a ball of fire, aimed to hit you and reduce you to nothing.

“God wanted me at one point, which is the difference between you and i. someone wanted me, no one ever wanted you.”

chan’s words slammed into your brain. these thoughts — they weren’t new to you. you were well aware that no one wants a demon around. no one would ever want a demon around.

you could easily push those facts to the side if you or a fellow demon voiced them. but hearing them from chan, a former angel, someone God handpicked to serve him, lit you up.

“you’re just as terrible as us demons. you have no fucking soul, bang chan.”

“you deserve to rot in hell, just like the rest of us.”

with that, you disappeared from chan’s apartment. the fallen angel never saw you again.

[xxdanganronpa-stuffsxx]

Hey, hey! I love your blog already, and I hope to see it grow! So since Halloween is coming soon, how would the V3 boys celebrate with their s/o?

Ahhhh my first request!!!! Thank you so much I hope you like it! This one was super fun to write!!

(Also sorry if anyone read this before I edit it I straight up forgot to write kiato’s name before his section at first ;p sorry for the confusion)

-mod korekyo

Ryoma Hoshi

“Nope not happening”

“Come on ! No one will know it’s you they will all think you just my son or something!”

“I’m not going trick or treating”

“There’s free candy!”

“…..”

“Fine im in”

You bought him a mask which made him a bit more comfortable with the whole thing

The trick or treating itself was kinda awkward

You two learned pretty quickly that it was best that you did all the talking because he didn’t exactly have the most “childlike” voice

The rest of the night was actually pretty nice though

You two just cuddled up on the couch, pigged out on candy, and watched cheesy 80s slasher movies

He fell asleep with his head on your lap and you almost exploded from how cute it was

Gonta Gokuhara

“S/O lets make little costumes for all the bugs!”

You guys went all out! All the bugs had cute costumes made entirely by had

(It took 8 hours, a few hundred sticks of hot glue and a few mental breakdowns but no one needs to know about that)

You two also decided to do some Halloween themed baking

He’s a bit clumsy and batter gets EVERYWHERE but it turns out really nice

You decided to put on a horror move

BIG MISTAKE

Four minutes in and this man is a mess!

Why did you do this to him

He needs lots of cuddles now

You two end the night snuggling and watching very kid friendly Halloween movies

Over all a pretty great Halloween

Kokichi Ouma

Halloween is his favorite holiday!

It’s the perfect time to scare people, pull pranks and over all be the little rat boy he is

“S/O lets go trick or treating!”

You were a bit surprised by this but you sure weren’t gonna turn the idea down

You two actually have a lot of fun

He definitely brought a bunch of pranking supplies to prank the little kids

Later that night you go see midnight horror movie showing

“I’m totally not scared S/O!”

That’s a lie

This boy is so jumpy

About twenty minutes in he is sitting in your your lap

He’s holding on to you for dear life

After the movie is over he won’t stop shaking

“I wasn’t scared at all!”

That’s also definitely a lie

He was still afraid later that night when you two were going to sleep

“Kokichi go to sleep”

“No! I’m gonna get killed by the dream Demons!”

You basicly picked him him up and held him like a child

“What about now”

“….mhm”

“Alright now go to sleep”

“I love you S/O”

This wasn’t a lie

Korekiyo Shinguji

He loves Halloween!

He loves introducing you and your friends to old Halloween traditions

Carving pumpkins is for normies, carving turnips it is!

Halloween night you two decide to try out a good old fashion Ouija board session!

He promises it’s Probably 100% safe!

Emphasis on the “probably” part

You get together everything you need

Candles, check, ouija board, check, your terrifying/ super hot boyfriend, check

You didn’t summon any actual spirits (at least you don’t think you did)

It’s mostly likely because you two were too busy giggling the entire time

“S/O stop asking the sprits if they know joe!!!”

“Never!”

Overall it’s a pretty rad night

Kiibo

“Halloween what’s that?”

Oh boy

You have made it your goal to give this boy the craziest, scariest, and most halloweeniest first Halloween ever

“Kiibo I am taking you to haunted house!”

Bad idea

The second he was jump scared he shut down

It took 8 minutes for him to reboot

You two got kicked out for obvious reasons

Alright plan B

Halloween movies!!!

You guys cuddle, eat candy, and binge watch all the classics

Well you eat candy

You really gotta figure out how to give him an eating mechanism

He got to see you smile which was better than any candy really

“Happy Halloween kiibo!”

You kissed him on the cheek which made him shut down again, this time it was due to overheating

Poor kiibo

Kaito Momota

He’s really not all that into Halloween really

He’s more of a chrismas guy really

But that doesn’t mean that he isn’t going to find a really ridiculous couples costume for you two to wear to some Halloween party

“Kiato I am not dressing as a rocket ship”

“Please!?”

“No”

“You’ll be a sexy rocket ship!”

“No!!!”

You ending up settling on peanut butter and jelly

(It’s a little cliche but it’s better than being a rocket ship)

As ridiculous as you feel, you have to admit Kaito looks pretty adorable

You love your dorky space boyfriend

Shuichi sahara

Halloween!? Don’t you mean spooky murder mystery marathon!?!

As much of a scaredy-cat he usually is, This boy loves Halloween

(He refused to step foot into a spirit Halloween store until he was 13 but no one has to know that)

You two just chill and watch some spooky movies

That is until Kokichi decides that he is going to scare the living daylights out of you boyfriend

He jumped up from behind the couch screeming at a noise level you didn’t think was possible

(How he got into your house is still a mystery)

Shuichi screamed Almost as loud as Kokichi but a few octaves higher

Well your chill night was nice while it lasted

Shuichi is bright red and looks like he needs a lot of conforting now

You snuggle up to him and wrap your arm around his shoulder

This is pretty nice too

Good Halloween 10/10 would Halloween with Shuichi again

Rantaro Amami

This boy lives and breaths Halloween!

Did he put Halloween decorations up?

Bold of you to assume he ever takes them down

Does he have a costume?

He ordered a $300 custom made Dracula costume months in advance

(He refuses to tell you where all the money came from and you kinda just go with it)

He throws the biggest Halloween parties

He’s super cute and happy when Halloween is coming

He gets pretty flustered if you bring it up around him though

Halloween’s with avacado boy are super coo

[alice1290]

Read All About It - An Ace/OC fanfic

Chapter 2 -

It had been three weeks since Ashina had joined him on the ship. She wasn’t part of his crew, but she was sticking with him until she could meet back up with her own. She communicated with another female she called K every few days through a small transponder snail. Three weeks, and he didn’t know much more about her than her name, that she liked to lay in the sun, she didn’t eat much, and that, according to Saber, her coloring was striking.

At the first island they reached, she had departed off on her own and he wondered if he’d ever see her again. She’d surprised him by already sitting on the deck of the Spadille when he boarded, a backpack full of clothes beside her. At the second island, she surprised him again by showing off her haki infused hand to hand combat. She was deadly without a weapon, she was downright frightening with a sword in her hand. Oh, she was left-handed too, which came as a deadly surprise to a few pirates and one bounty hunter.

He slept with the crew while she occupied his bed at night. The idea was driving him crazy. Ace was no virgin, but he’d never had a woman occupy his thoughts like Ashina did. He didn’t care about women, he was supposed to focus on his dreams, but she occupied his mind. The new clothes didn’t help. She’d been pretty in brown pants and the loose white shirt, but she was striking in the pair of black shorts she had become so fond of wearing.

His eyes followed her now as she walked across the deck to lean on the railing, her own eyes on the horizon as the sun sunk into the ocean. The colors of the sunset made her hair look like a flame. The bold red glinting with hints of orangey-golds in the light. Her hair was long, falling in gentle waves down to the small of her back.

She crossed her booted feet, drawing his attention and Ace let his gaze follow the path of her long, toned legs from her feet all the way up to her hips. Ashina was slender, of average height, and her curves were natural. Her breasts weren’t as large as most women that he encountered. He imagined they’d be a good handful though.

Damnit. He couldn’t be thinking these thoughts. He shouldn’t be thinking them. As if sensing that his mind had traveled down a dangerous, dirty road, Ashina turned her head to look at him over her shoulder.

A soft grin graced her lips before she turned back to the sea.

“You should talk to her,” Deuce said from beside him, too quiet for her to hear them. “Not just stare.”

Ace grunted, not wanting to admit that he did stare. A lot. She was beautiful, any man with good eyes could see that, and several of his men talked about it. She was all tanned skin, gentle curves, long legs, red hair, and those shocking green eyes. They were liquid emerald and as deep as the sea.

“Go, scaredy-cat,” Deuce teased, nudging him with his elbow.

“I’m not scared.” Ace huffed out. He wasn’t scared of her, not unless she was angry, but it did take him a moment to work up the nerve to stand up. He crossed the deck and leaned against the rail a few inches from her. He wasn’t even sure what to say to her, so he kept his gaze on the sea.

“You’ve made quite the name for yourself,” Ashina said. “High bounty for a rookie, eighty million beri.”

“I’ve never seen your face on a wanted poster. You got a bounty?”

“No. I do my best to stay incognito. After that failed mission I supposed they know my face now.”

Ace frowned. “I am sorry about that. That you got separated from your crew because of me.”

“It wasn’t all you. I wanted to find what I was looking for. I should have aborted mission when the alarm sounded. Besides, it really wasn’t a failed mission. I retrieved what I came for, I just can’t get it back to my boss until we meet up again.”

“When will that be?”

“Saboady.”

“Who’s your boss?”

Ashina smiled and turned her head to look at him. “I’m a Revolutionary.”

Ace sputtered. “You work for Dragon?”

Ashina chuckled, soft and low. “Yes. I found my way to the Revolutionaries when I was fourteen. Four years later, here I am.” She was silent for a moment, turning her eyes back to the sea. A gentle smile still played on her lips. “Do you have a dream, Ace? A goal? Why’d you become a pirate?”

“To be free. Make a name for myself.”

“Pirate King?”

She watched him from the corner of her eye as Ace laughed.

“One day, after everyone knows my name and has learned of my strength. It’s my brother’s dream too, so I guess I’ll have to fight him one day too.”  

“You have a brother?” she turned, leaning her hip against the smooth wood of the ship, and facing Ace.

“Younger yeah.” Ace about faced and leaned back, propping his elbows up on the rail. “Luffy. Not by blood, but he’s my brother. We grew up together.”

“Doesn’t have to be blood to be family.” Ashina turned her head to look out at the sea. The sun had almost set below the horizon and the sky was getting darker.

“You have a sibling?” Ace asked.

She turned her eyes back to him and shook her head. “No. Just me. A few friends in the Revolution. So, tell me about Luffy.”

“Captain!” Mihar, yelling from the quarter deck, caught his attention. He waved an arm, motioning for Ace to join the group of men. “Captain!” he shouted again.

He turned to say something to Ashina, but she was already gone from his side.

.

.

.

It was late. Ace was tired. And sore. Sleeping in a hammock sucked. He missed his bed, but he didn’t dare resend his offer to Ashina. He was also tired of staring at the maps on the desk, and trying deciding the best course to take.

“Oh,” Ashina said from the doorway as she stepped into the room. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were in here. Mihar said you’d gone to the kitchen. I’ll come back.”

“No. No. It’s okay.” Ace stood quickly, making the chair topple over in his haste. He quickly caught it, just before it hit the floor and shuffled around to slide it back into its place under the desk.

Ashina giggled. “Are you sure? This is your room.”

It was his room, but her pack of things sat in the corner near his trunk. An extra pair of boots she’d picked up two days ago sat carelessly at the foot of the bed. The room even smelled like her now.

Ashina walked further into the room, closing the door behind her. Even though it had been closed prior to her entrance Ace gulped, unsure of her actions. Unsure of her in general.

“You can stay, Ace. I’m not running you out of your own room.”

He stood there awkwardly as she toed out of her short leather boots. The loose over-shirt she wore came next, leaving only her shorts and a thin, pale blue tank top.

She tossed him a look over her shoulder, a smirk on her lips. “Enjoying the show?”

Shit. Shit shit shit. Ace about faced, staring daggers into the wall. He was enjoying the show, way more than he wanted to admit.

Ace wanted to touch her. Most pirates would have already tried. Most captains wouldn’t have given up their room, but the idea of turning her out caused images of a fuming Makino to appear behind his eyelids. Ace was raised to have some manners, some small part of him was a gentleman.

“You can turn around,” she said on a giggle.

Ace did turn, slowly, because her voice came from a different location. She was in the bed, legs covered by the blanket. She was wearing a loose t-shirt, one far too big for her frame. It clearly didn’t belong to her, nor was meant for a woman.

Ace, realizing she was clearly ready for bed, and that he was staring again, cleared his throat and turned for the door. “Goodnight, Ashina.”

“Ace, you can stay.”

Ace sputtered, whirling around to stare at her. “What?”

“The bed is big enough for both of us. I’ve slept in plenty of hammocks. They aren’t awful, but a soft mattress is definitely better.”

“But… you… and me… and you’re a – a”

“Girl. Yes, and you’re a boy. Are you scared, Fire Fist?” she was teasing, another smirk playing on her lips and he caught the glint in her green eyes.

Ace straightened, and shook his head. He wasn’t scared. Nervous maybe, the women he’d been with before had been simple one-offs on random islands. None had ever slept in his bed. None had ever stayed on the Spadille for any length of time. He’d known Ashina now for two whole months. She had befriended his crew.

“It’s just sleeping, Ace. Besides, Flame Boy, the air is getting colder and I bet you make a good space heater. The offer stands, you don’t have to leave. Sleep in the bed if you want, or sleep on the floor for all I care. Goodnight, Ace.”

“But the crew will think that we…” he trailed off.

“Fucked?” Ashina supplied, making him choke and sputter again. She smiled at him. “They can think what they want. Make up your mind. I’m going to bed.”

Ace stood there for a moment longer, debating before finally deciding to throw his gentlemanly side out the porthole. He was tired of the damn hammock and Aggie’s atrocious snores. His bed was soft, warm, and calling his name. The beautiful woman in it was just an added bonus, one that he was not going to touch. Maybe. Hopefully his gentlemanly side won out.

Kicking off his boots, Ace shed his hat, shirt, and accessories. He tugged both belts from their loops, but decided to keep his shorts on. Normally he slept nude by himself, but that seemed a step too far with Ashina curled up in the sheets.

Ace slid into the bed, being sure to keep as much space as possible between them. After a few moments a pair of ice-cold feet pressed against his leg.

Ashina hummed. “I was right. You are warm.”

Ace had never cuddled with a woman before. Kisses yes, heavy make out sessions yes, and he’d had sex on a number of occasions. Sex was nice, it felt good, sometimes a bit messy, and it was intimate, but he’d never shared a bed with a woman like this. It was a new level of intimacy that made him nervous. The feelings that were stirring in his chest were foreign to him. She trusted him to do no harm to her. She trusted him enough to close her eyes and fall asleep inches from him. She trusted him.

Rolling to his side to face her, he noticed she was curled on her side as well with her back to him. If her feet were freezing he could only imagine how cold the rest of her felt. He hesitated for a brief second, before tossing the gentleman out the window and snaking a hand over her hip. He was a pirate after all. He pulled her flush to his chest and amped up his body temperature.

She let out a soft squeak of surprise, but quickly relaxed. She shifted slightly, pressing her feet against his shins and her back closer to his chest, and hummed. “So warm,” she breathed.

.

.

.

“You know you really need a cook,” Ashina stated staring at the spoonful of soup she held up in front of her. The food wasn’t bad, but she was no professional cook. Growing up her mother had cooked for her, then she cooked for herself for a while, before she landed with the Revolutionaries and a team of cooks fed everyone meals.

Ace shot her a glance. “You and Mihar do okay.”

“Really? That’s you’re answer. We do okay?”

“Well,” he shrugged. “I used to have to catch my own meat and cook it over a fire myself. Deuce you remember SIXIS?”

Deuce gave an affirmative and chuckled. “I almost killed you.”

Ashina rolled her eyes. “Ugh. At the next island I’m finding us a better cook. Maybe in the mean time you could catch a fish.”

“I can’t swim.”

“Then make sure it doesn’t pull you overboard, Flame Boy.” Ashina gave him a smile and a wink and stood from the long wooden table.

Ace watched her take her empty bowl and spoon into the kitchen, disappearing behind the swinging door.

“So…Cap?”

Ace turned his attention to Saber. “Huh?”

“What’s she like?”

Ace sat there, puzzled. “What?”

“You know… haven’t you? With her?” Saber said, motioning between Ace and the door.  

Deuce chuckled. “You’ve been sharing a bed for a week Ace, you mean you haven’t had sex with her?”

When Ace sputtered and blushed Deuce grinned. “What a shame. Mind if I give it a shot?”

The table erupted into laughter when Ace’s shoulder caught fire. He scowled at Deuce. “No. You may not.”

Ashina reappeared and the room fell silent. The flames on Ace’s shoulders disappeared and he looked down at the table. She raised a brow, giving them a puzzled look, before rolling her eyes and strolling through the room to the stairs. “You guys are weird.”

Once she was out of earshot, Aggie said, “Ace, brother, you can’t just say she’s crew.”

“Of course she is.”

Saber chuckled. “Captain, she shares your room. That’s like… having a missus.”

The flames returned, shooting higher in the air than last time, but his cheeks also burned with a deep blush. “We’re not… she’s not... we haven’t even,” he sputtered making the crew laugh.

Deuce clapped him on the back and grinned. “It’s okay, Cap. We like Ashina, she’s cool, and she’d make a good missus.”

Deuce ducked Ace’s sudden punch, erupting in a new round of laughter.

.

.

.

Ashina finished the dishes from the night’s dinner and dried her hands on a rag hanging from the oven door’s handle.

Banshee was no professional cook either, but her time spent at her family’s marketplace food stand had made her a better cook than Mihar and Ashina. Ashina made her way to the top deck. Several of the men, Ace included, were playing cards around a table. She noticed Deuce off to himself, sitting on the deck. His knees were bent, drawn up close to him, and he appeared to be writing in something.

Ashina strolled over and plopped down beside him. “What ya’ doing?” she asked. She stretched her legs out in front of her and crossed her booted ankles.

“Writing.”

“Writing? What do you write?”

Deuce hesitated before answering, “It’s an adventure journal.”

“Oh, cool. So you record the crew’s adventures?”

Deuce was shocked. He waited for the teasing remark to come, but when it didn’t he grinned at her. “Yes.”

“Huh. Doctor and a writer, and a ship builder. Man of many talents. Striker is cool.”

“Yeah. We modified it to work with Ace’s Devil Fruit ability. It’s a sturdy little vessel.”

“How’d you meet Ace?”

“We were both stranded on SIXIS. Ace found the Mera Mera no Mi and split it with me. He got the powers, I just had a piece of fruit. We built the original raft that became Striker and got off the island.”

“So you were his first crew member?”

“Yeah. Spade pirates have come a long way. Soon we’ll be in the New World. Ace is a good captain. Strong, kind, he’s fiercely loyal and protective. Bit of a goofball, and sometimes an idiot. He also tends to fall asleep at the most random times.”

“He’s a bottomless pit when it comes to food I’ve noticed.”

Deuce and Ashina shared a laugh.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding. “He says his brother Luffy is the same way.”

“Damn. Can you imagine trying to feed the both of them?”

Deuce looked horrified, then his face shifted as he grew curious. “I wonder if it’s the D? Monkey D Luffy and Portgas D Ace.”

“Probably. Or they both just happen to be gluttons.”

Deuce and Ashina dissolved into laughter again. They sat in comfortable silence then and Deuce began writing again.

After a while Ashina placed her hand on Deuce’s shoulder, using him as leverage to stand. “Goodnight, Deuce.”

“Goodnight, Ashina.”

The Captain’s cabin was cool and she shivered as the door closed behind her. Ashina crossed the space to her trunk, the one that sat next to Ace’s. She was slowly growing her wardrobe with each stop they made. Some pieces she bought, others she had lifted from less than chivalrous people. Ashina pulled the newest article from the trunk, one she purchased, and then shut the lid. The floral printed fabric was lightweight and soft. She was unsure of wearing the nightgown, but it was longer than the t-shirts she had been sleeping in. It was however, thinner and more revealing than the shirts. The gown had thin straps and dipped low down her back.

Ashina looked to the door, wondering if she should lock it before changing on the chance that Ace should enter. Deciding she did not quite care if Ace saw or not, she toed out of her boots and began to strip off her clothes. She tossed them in the growing pile of dirty clothes on the other side of her trunk and then stretched. The cool air felt good against her naked skin, but she longed for Ace’s warm touch. She wondered if it was his devil fruit ability that made him warmer than the average man. It seemed that some nights he would even amp up the heat if she shivered.

They slept together in the same bed, but other than those few intimate hours of peaceful sleep, Ace kept his hands to himself. Ashina sighed as she pulled the nightgown over her head. The hem stopped mid-thigh. Would the choice to wear the nightgown lead Ace to make a move? She wished he would. He was devilishly attractive with those strong features, gray eyes, and all those hard muscles. She also enjoyed his smile, his laugh, and his strength. Deuce had been right in his description of the Captain. Ace was strong, brave, and fiercely loyal, if not a wee bit reckless and wild.

Ashina wanted more than warmth from him during the night. She wanted to do more than share the bed, but she was hesitant. Would it mess up their dynamics? She was bound to leave the Spade pirates eventually. Once they reached Sabaody she would part ways with Ace and return to the Revolution. If they started something it would only be that much harder to leave later. But if she didn’t take that chance with him… would she regret it?

Ashina grumbled to herself and climbed into the bed. She laid on her back, staring at the wooden boards of the ceiling wishing she wasn’t so damn attracted to Fire Fist. This hadn’t been part of the plan.

She was still staring at the ceiling when he entered the room. Ashina listened, keeping her eyes upward, as he partially undressed. He never slept with his pants off and it made her wonder if he went commando. That idea was hot as hell. She stamped down the feelings of wanting to find out for herself as he slid into the other side of the bed. It was a comfy bed, but not a large one, so there were only inches between them.

Ace moved his arm and Ashina rolled over onto her side, pressing herself against the length of his body, soaking in the warm of his internal fire. She rested her head on his shoulder and his arm wrapped around her. She felt him stiffen as his fingers brushed against the soft material at her lower back, but he relaxed after a moment, letting his hand rest on her hip.

They had become comfortable with this, the contact that was only slightly sexual. It never started that way, but several mornings over the last weeks of sharing a bed they had woken up tangled together, hands in places hands hadn’t been before they’d fallen asleep. Ashina wanted more. As much as it might break her heart when she said goodbye, because surely, she would fall for Fire Fist Ace, she wanted it. Despite all her worries she wanted him. She sometimes felt his eyes on her, when she was on the deck, or eating dinner with the crew. Each time they docked at an island and they separated, she noticed the relief and joy in his face when she came aboard again.

She wondered if he wanted her? Some mornings were awkward when they woke up and Ace had been hard, his length pressed against her thigh or backside. Even if he was only attracted to her sexually, he never made a move. Ashina wondered if under all of his confidence he was nervous to start anything with her. She wondered if it was for the same reasons as her.

Ashina knew she had to leave eventually, and that idea tugged at her heart already and churned in her stomach. While she was here, on the Spadille with Ace, she was going to make the most of her time.

She tilted her head back so she could see him. His eyes were closed, so she studied him. With his eyes closed the thick, dark lashes lay against his freckled cheek. His dark, wavy hair brushed his forehead. The bridge of his nose was straight, his lips soft. The angle of his jaw was straight. Ashina leaned closer and pressed her lips against his jawbone.

Ace tensed under her touch and his fingers tightened around her hipbone. That foreign feeling stirred in his chest again and he relaxed. He enjoyed the feel of her tucked into his side as much as she enjoyed the warmth he produced. She fit well with his crew and she was a strong woman. He knew because he watched her train with Skull on two different occasions, and fight a group of men by herself on another. Her swordsmanship was excellent and she could use Haki to strengthen her kicks and punches. The boys teased him mercilessly about her being his missus. She would make a good partner – strong, smart, and the beauty was an added bonus.

The crew didn’t believe they weren’t actually having sex in this very bed, but only sleeping. He wanted to cross that line, wanted to know what it was like to touch her. He wouldn’t admit that he was nervous though. She would leave him and his crew once they reached Sabaody. The transponder snail had said so a week ago, and they were drawing closer to Sabaody every day. He found himself wanting her to stay more and more each day. The idea of her leaving made him uneasy. Being a pirate was dangerous, but so was being a Revolutionary. If she stayed with him as a pirate he would be able to watch over her.

Turning his head, Ace pressed his lips to her forehead. Her hand that was tucked between them slid across his chest so that her fingers curled over his side. Ace raised the temperature of his fire and she hummed in pleasure, pressing closer. Ace kept his head turned so that his nose brushed against her hair, and he could breathe in the smell of her.

[stardust-and-blades]

Lost Future AU--snapshots 2 (part 8-ish?)

“This can’t get any more painful”

me: hold my beer

------------------

“No. Nope. Not going.”

“Oh come on, Keith.” Lance begged. “It will be fun! If we want to wow the guests we need to learn some choreography.”

“YOU want to learn choreography.” Keith pointed out, crossing his arms. “I would rather stand at the sidelines and watch as you dance with Hunk and Pidge.”

Lance tapped him on the nose with a wooden spatula, the food he was making on pause. “No, that isn’t romantic. That is sad.”

Keith scrunched up his nose. “It’s not sad, it’s practical.”

“It’s stupid.”

Keith growled, frustrated. “I’m not doing it. I’m not going to make a fool of myself in front of over fifty people.”

Keith hopped off the kitchen stool and began to head for the room, ignoring Lance’s call. He heard him swear, no doubt putting the food on simmer and chasing after him. Keith made it a point to lock the bedroom door, Lance turning the handle and swore again.

“Keith, open the door.”

He remained silent, leaning against the bed frame and picked up his headphones, prepping to drown out Lance’s begging.

“Keeeeeiiith, please open the door. I know you hate dancing but I swear on my life you’ll do great. We have two months, we have time.”

Keith bit down on his flaring temper. God, why can’t he just let it go? He loves Lance, but sometimes he just doesn’t give up.

“Okay, how about this,” Lance reasoned. “We go to the lessons. If you’re still not comfortable by our last session, we don’t have to dance. I’ll let Hunk and Pidge take the wheel and do something else together. But...”

Keith stopped mid-earphone, one half hanging from his neck while the other neared his ear, rock music on full blast.

“But?”

There is a shift against the door, Lance most likely leaning his head against it. Not to hear, but in a way for him to be closer to Keith. To surpass the barrier Keith has drawn up, be it physical or mental. Keith knew he shouldn’t be this worked up. He usually isn’t. But venturing on unfamiliar territory in front of friends and family...it stirs something inside him that makes him feel wrong.

Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean he wanted to ignore Lance’s wishes. He wanted to dance with him. To create a memory they can look back on in fondness. Yet he knew, just knew he would fuck up. He doesn’t want to ruin the wedding in any way, no matter how big or small it was. 

“But I want you by my side.” Lance said softly. “Hunk and Pidge are fun to dance with. But you? We never really tried. I want to hold you close to me. I want our first steps in our marriage to be a dance, because that is what being in a relationship with you has been: beautiful and free. You make me happy, Keith. And I want to show it to everyone. I want to show YOU off. Again, we will do what is most comfortable, but it...would mean the world to me if we could try.”

Now how was Keith going to say no to that?

He relented, casting his phone and headphones away and opened the door.

“Fine.”

Lance clapped his hands and hugged him before Keith pointed out the food may be burning.

--------------------------------

Keith and Lance were just finishing up their dance lessons for the wedding one day, Keith’s two left feet definitely getting the best of their teacher by the end of the night. Lance insisted they have a dance as husbands, and though Keith likes the idea of it, he wasn’t much of a dancer. In fact, he made it a point he skipped his spring fling and prom in high school because A: he had no one to go with, and B: can’t dance to save his life. Engage in combat? Yes. Lovingly twirl around a ballroom for an hour? Might as well be asking him to fly. 

The teacher had left by the time the two changed back into their regular clothes, Keith in t-shirt and jeans with a hoodie over it and a beanie, while Lance sported more fashionable wear. The only clashing article he was wearing was his plastic bracelets, some saying ‘free the nipple’ and another saying ‘just getting bi”. 

“I don’t think I’m going to be able to waltz anytime soon.” Keith commented, hauling his bag over his shoulder. 

“Not with that attitude you won’t. Come on, it’s not a wedding without dancing.”

“I know, I know.” He pulled at his long hair, a nervous habit. “But you saw today. I’m pretty sure the instructor will have bruises for days.”

Lance laughed and walked over to his fiance, wrapping his hands around his waist and kissing his forehead. “Oh I noticed. Who would have thought the combat specialist would be bad at dancing.”

“It’s Krav maga. And the two are very different.”

“Both involve being quick on your feet.”

Keith sighed. “What are you getting at?”

“That you can dance. Just think of it as another way of fighting.”

“That’s hard to do with someone I love. I only wanted to kick your ass when we hardly knew each other and you were being a di--”

Suddenly the arms around Keith’s waist were gone and he was spinning, the lowering sun blurred into an abundance of oranges and yellows. He was falling to the ground, Keith bracing himself for impact. But instead an arm caught him by the waist, the other hand holding his. Lance was smirking down at him, proud of his ability to surprise the boy who was always on guard. Always ready for Lance’s antics. But this time he had him, and he did not hesitate to show his pride. Keith stared back at him, split between making heart eyes our retaliate.

“Someone is speechless.”

“Um...Uh...” His face slowly grew red, his pale skin not helping him in concealing it. “You just...caught me off guard.”

“Yes I did.” Lance grinned and bent down, closing the distance between the two. Keith tilted his head up, his eyes fluttering until--

Keith knocked Lance’s feet from under him and stood up, just barely catching the screaming boy from impact. Keith pulled his arm and looked back at him, a smirk playing on his lips. 

“Who is speechless now?”

“No fair! You know you can’t use your skills against the innocent!”

“What you going to do, fight me?” Keith invited him with a quirk of his eyebrow and shift in stance, but Lance just pouted, crossing his arms.

“Cheater.”

“Scaredy cat.”

“I am not scared!” He proclaimed indignantly.

“Oh yeah? Prove it.”

“You do not want to tempt me.”

Keith just smiled more, that smug glint sparkling in his amethyst eyes. They shown with such a brilliance in the low light, the darkness fading away and making them appear as if they were pure gems. Keith stance took on one readying for an attack, one foot backwards and the other forward. He straightened his back, puts his hands out, and waited. Of course he really didn’t think Lance would take him up on his challenge. They had this kind of bickering before, Lance usually sticking his tongue out and walking away, or was the one doing the daring.

Keith really wasn’t serious in his stance, for he jumped when Lance straight up ran to him. But rather than slam his body against the wall or floor, he seized Keith by his waist and lifted him. Keith squawked, losing his balance and almost toppling onto the taller boy. Lance was unnaturally strong, something he hid by his lanky-ness. 

Keith steadied himself by placing his hands on Lance’s shoulders, staring him down.

“What are you doing?”

“Proving a point.”

“In what? That you are bad at combat and want to swoon the enemy?”

He shook his head. Rather than answering, he dropped Keith and took his gloved hand and his other arm wrapped around the smaller boy, pulling him close. “Proving you can learn a thing or two from me.”

It took a moment for it to process in Keith’s flustered brain. “You are not going to teach me how to dance.”

“Oh I am.” Lance smiled. “If you can fight, you can dance.”

He reached inside the pocket of his jeans and extracted a remote, aiming it to the speaker on a table in a far corner. “Chasing Stars” by Fleurie came one, one of the few songs the two agreed to play at their wedding. Keith wondered for a minute how he got the remote from the instructor, but his thoughts were interrupted from Lance pulling Keith. 

“Just follow my lead.” Lance said. Keith tried to copy his steps; tried not to hurt his toes. His eyes remain on the floor, watching his feet closely that he forgets the rhythm. Forgets who he was dancing with. Lance did so well with the instructor, Keith wanted to be a pro as well. Or at least, pro enough he wont make a fool of himself in front of fifty people. Maybe more. Oh God Lance has a big family. What if they laugh at him? What would he--

A hand pulled Keith’s chin up. They stopped, Lance’s blue eyes washing over Keith’s nerves. Sending out a current to silence his worries over the future, blind faith in the partner he would have in life. 

“Keep your eyes on me. Go with the music. You trust me, don’t you?”

Keith’s shoulders relaxed. “Always.”

Thus, they danced. Lance twirled him, spinning the other into the embrace of inner surprise. Dipped his body in quiet elation. Waltz him in the shining lights, his heart fluttering with each step of their feet. Lifting him up, giving him a chance to reach out to the stars. The room no longer existed, replaced by an empty field and bright stars smiling down on them; wrapping the couple in its arms and whisking them into an array of euphoria and adoration.

And for once, Keith didn’t step on his toes. He kept his eyes on Lance, his careful, analytical look disappearing into a wide grin. He might as well be dancing on air, because he felt weightless. They were the only two people that mattered in the world. Just two boys so deeply in love the gods sent down their blessings in a form of clear skies and easy, beautiful movement. 

They were two wandering souls searching the earth for their missing piece. Now they are complete, the missing puzzle piece snugged comfortably in their chests. Keith never thought he would be this lucky. This happy. If he could freeze time, he would just to bask in the moment. But then again, there really is no reason for it. They are getting married and will have the rest of their lives to dance and love each other.

When the song ended, Lance pulled Keith close to him as before, their hands linked as Lance held Keith against him, chest to Keith’s back and arms reaching forward while Keith kept him close. 

“Told you you could do it.” Lance whispered, tender and soft. 

“I have a good teacher.”

With that, Keith angled his head to kiss Lance, the song long over but the dance continuing.

----------------

“Yes, I need to cancel. Yes I’m aware reservations take months to years. No I--look, the wedding is cancelled. No we weren’t unhappy, it just didn’t work out. Yup. Uhuh. You too, goodbye.” Lance says, finishing up with the phone call to the venue. As soon as he clicks the red button he sighs, resting his head on the kitchen table. It has been a grueling day in cancellations and setting up the viewing, Lance’s battered body screaming at him to rest. Allura and Shiro offered to take it over for him, but he shrugged them off, declaring it is his responsibility. 

Now he is wondering if it really was a good idea to leave him alone.

He still has to cancel the catering, flower arrangements, honeymoon reservations, inform the bridesmaids and groomsmen of unfortunate circumstances, the damn limo, and return the wedding rings. 

The last one he is not looking forward to. Just looking at Keith’s engagement ring around his neck hurts. Physically going into the shop and “enlightening” the store of current events is sure to leave him aching. And it wont be his bones. 

He tiredly glances to his left. A framed photo lies flat on its front, the contents hidden away in a vain effort to preserve what is left of Lance’s heart. Yet he is compelled to reach out, grasping the smooth wood and flipping it up.

It is a picture of Lance and Keith at the dance studio, Lance angling the camera like a selfie to capture the moment. Keith was leaning against him, a small but adoring smile while Lance full on grinned, all teeth and painful cheek muscles. Lance didn’t care at the time. He was too overwhelmed with the fact he was to marry the boy he admired and sought for in a couple of months. 

Both of their feet hurt after that day. But they didn’t care. It was fun. and filled with hope.

God, why did he think leaving in that snowstorm was a good idea? Why? Keith was even weary of it. He should have listened. Maybe then, maybe--

No, he can’t think about the accident right now. He needs to cancel shit. start working on the funeral. Get Keith’s body out of the morgue as soon as possible. He is cold and alone. Lance doesn’t want him left that way for too long.

He left the photo and puts on his jacket--well, put on one half. The other is trapped in a cast. He inserts his earbuds and heads out the door, the jewelry shop a couple blocks away. Lance can’t drive with one arm, so walking it is.

When he nears the shop he pauses his music, readying himself for the worst discussion of his life.

Then, he hears it.

It’s subtle; quiet, a whisper in the wind. The familiar high octave voice and elegant piano surpassing the hurrying sounds of traffic. It’s melody slowly wrapping around Lance’s still form at the end of the crosswalk, choosing to settle around his neck as his back hits brick.

It came from one of the shops, but Lance cannot pinpoint which one. All he knew is it is the same one Lance and Keith danced to in the photo, and it might as well have stabbed him. He shoves the earbuds farther in his ear and cranks the music. He ducks his head down and works to ignore the haunting voice, no doubt following him as he walks down the crowded streets. It isn’t until he reaches the jewelry store did he take a breath.

Jewelry stores are usually silent. Silent or playing mainstream music at low volume that you’d have to sneak into the back just to hear the lyrics perfectly. He should be safe. 

Oh but how wrong he is. As soon as he takes out his earbuds and approaches one of the nicely dressed sellers with an over-the-top grin, the same song begins to play. At first, Lance doesn’t notice it right away. He is busy messing with his backpack, only able to use one arm. The woman helping him offered assistance, but he shrugs her off. He has his hand around the boxes and was about to hand the receipt over to the woman when his ears perked up, curiosity killing the cat. 

His hand stops. The woman asks him a question, no doubt wondering when he purchased it and if the return is valid. Lance doesn’t hear her. He is engulfed by the song, its melody slithering up his spine and curling around his neck, the noose tightening with each word, with each hit or strum of the instruments. 

Touching the clouds, never get found Shoot straight up, never come down Lets get lost chasing stars Out on the edge, losing our breath Hearts on fire in our chests Lets get lost chasing stars, lets get lost, lets get lost chasing stars, chasing stars (stars, stars)

“Sir? Sir, are you alright?” The woman asks, concern etched in her eyes. 

No. No he isn’t alright. He feels like he is choking. Being choked. Strangled by the song. Clawing at the imaginary hands reaching out from the rings, the fingers scratching deep cuts into his flesh. His lungs are on fire, his legs growing weak. The room seems to spin, his nails gripping onto the glass as a way to prevent him from falling. Falling into the abyss waiting for him. He’s okay. He’s okay. He’s--

He is not okay.

“Sir?” 

Lance’s knees buckle, the rings falling with him and clattering. He needs to breathe. How can he breathe? 

Keith’s bright eyes flash through his memories, his laugh echoing in the middle of the song as Lance spun them around the studio.

“Slow down! I’m going to trip!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll catch you.”

It should have been him. The doctors even said, it should have been HIM. He was the driver. He was the one who insisted on leaving. He was the one who’s side was the most damaged. 

He should have protected Keith, not the other way around. 

It should have been him.

Lance covered his mouth with his uninjured hand, the tears he was holding back overtaking his shut down. His breath came out labored, and without so much as a care in the world over the worried employee and growing crowd, he sobbed. 

[rkiverse]

all in my head

— for her.

Summary: Because at the end of the day, he’s your best friend’s boyfriend.

Word Count: 2,418. This is somewhat of a drabble for a short series! Read the other drabbles for the other members linked right below!

Genre: angst and fluff but mostly angst rip, oh! and college!au

WITH LOVE (The Heartbreak Series):

Jungkook | Taehyung | Hoseok | Seokjin | Namjoon | Jimin | Yoongi

And maybe putting your best friend’s happiness before yours is the right thing to do.

Sometimes you were annoyed with yourself after the numerous amount of times you assumed that he even liked you. From the number of times he sat next to you during the 9AM biology lecture to the times where you’ve bumped into him at the library even though it’s not midterm or finals season for fucks’ sake, you’ve seen his face everywhere. 

Jeon Jungkook. He was the reason why you stayed up all night staring at your ceiling after wondering why he has been stumbling into your life when the last thing you asked the heavens to do was to give you a boyfriend; a distraction. You’re at the peak of your degree and with you doing tremendously well in class, the last thing you needed was a boyfriend. 

But obviously, the heavens were having too much fun playing and fucking up your feelings to the point where you too, started to take more notice of all your encounters with him and where you too, started to fuck up your own feelings.

And now here you were, slowly falling in love with the boy who sat next to you in all of your 9AM biology lectures. And now here you were, naive and all, receiving these encounters and good deeds from him as acts of admiration and infatuation when in all reality—

“I really like your best friend.”

“I—what?”

You stare at him with slightly widened eyes, but his innocent, doe-like ones stared at yours alarmingly before you snap out of it. “Uh—I mean—what do you mean?”

“Your best friend, you know, the girl who sits with you in our biology lecture, the girl who tags along with you when you both study at the library?” He says nervously while he scratches the back of his neck. 

You blink once, twice, and suddenly, your burst out into nervous laughter. He looks at you as if you have ten heads, but you playfully slap his arm to ease the tension in the atmosphere. “Oh, her? That crazy girl that sits next to me and is basically with me almost all day?”

He nods his head innocently and you inwardly sigh because wow you are basically my ideal type in living and breathing form I truly don’t deserve you, so all you could do is give him two thumbs up as a sign of your approval.

“I mean, that’s great! It’s great that my crazy best friend finally has a guy that actually admires her. She’ll be so head over heels for you when she finds out that you like her—”

“Don’t tell her!” He exclaims while cutting you off and you jump at his sudden tone. He looks at you with doubt and defeat before shrugging his shoulders and mumbling a soft, “I don’t even think she’ll like me..”

You roll your eyes at him before raising an eyebrow at him, “I’m pretty sure she likes you, that’s probably why she’s been all up my ass this whole semester.”

“You—You think so?” He stutters and you brightly smile at him, nodding your head eagerly although you could feel your heart start to shatter. He mirrors your smile before pulling you into a celebratory hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! I can’t wait to take her out on a date—”

“First, get your hands off of me, I barely know you.” You say sternly and he gently puts your small figure back onto the floor. You clear your throat and he finally shoves his hands back into his pockets. “Second, I’m not easily persuaded by any of my best friend’s suitors, so don’t think I’m an easy obstacle to pass, got it?”

“I—I thought we were friends—”

“And last but definitely not the least,” you mumble, glancing down at your nails before looking at him through squinted eyes, “if you hurt my best friend, I will not hesitate to cut your dick off, got it?”

He gulps nervously and quickly nods his head in agreement while you’re internally laughing your ass off because wow who knew he would be such a scaredy cat and you flash one last smile.

“Great! Now, go get her, tiger.” 

You get it, you were basically the living form of a relatable post on Facebook whenever it came to you and your best friend, Jiyeon. It was simple: out of the two of you, you were the uglier one that all the guys seemed to look past. Indeed, they would go straight towards Jiyeon, ignoring you in the process as if you’re invisible.

You actually don’t mind at all, since you never truly liked the guys. They’d always come and go, date Jiyeon and dump her after a couple of months. They were all trash, anyways. 

But no one told you about guys like Jeon Jungkook. No one told you the consequences of being in love with your best friend’s boyfriend.

First, no one ever told you that third-wheeling was a pain in the ass. Following them around a stupid amusement park after being dragged to tag along by your best friend is a curse within a curse. There was never a time where it wasn’t painful to watch Jungkook feed Jiyeon a spoonful of ice-cream. There was also never a time where it wasn’t painful to watch Jungkook stare at Jiyeon as if she was his whole world. Your heart was giving you its first sign—jealousy will definitely get the best of you, but you’ve already grown accustomed to hiding such emotions.

Second, no one ever told you the reasons why you start to think your best friend is annoying after the endless nights she’s talked about her relationship. With Jiyeon being your roommate at the dormitory, it was equally painful to hear her ramble on and on about her upcoming date with Jungkook or the sweetest thing he did for her because ‘oh my god, he’s such a sweetheart I think I might marry him’ and it was all starting to make your ears bleed. Your heart was giving you its second sign—at the end of the day, your best friend is the luckier one, and maybe Jungkook’s not the one for you, but the one for her.

Third, no one ever told you that it was painful to be put on the sidelines. No one ever told you how painful it felt to watch your best friend feel so happy to be with someone you wish you were with. You lost count of the nights you’ve spent in your dorm all by yourself, crying because why doesn’t anyone like me? Am I not good enough? Out of all people I’d fall in love with, did it have to be my best friend’s boyfriend?

This was the third and final sign. No matter how much it hurts, you have been nothing but selfless. And by now, you’ve learned how to hold back the tears, to shrug the feelings off your shoulders, to get over him even though that would be impossible to do and even though it’s impossible to happen.

Because at the end of the day, he’s your best friend’s boyfriend and maybe putting your best friend’s happiness before yours is the right thing to do.

It was another one of those nights where you lounge outside of the convenience store with a steaming cup of noodles and a bottle of soda after completing a study session at the library. You stretch your arms out, sighing happily before settling down into your seat.

Leaning closer towards the cup of noodles, the steam warms up your face and you take a deep sniff. “Ramen at its finest, the best comfort food, indeed.”

The moment you dig in, you get a generous amount of noodles on your fork before shoving it all in your mouth. In the midst of eating, you weren’t aware of the familiar doe-eyed boy standing a few metres away with a huge frown spread across his lips. He finally notices you slurping your noodles away and his frown is replaced with a soft smile, and he shoves his phone back into his pocket.

His feet take him all the way to the convenience store, and he stops in front of the entrance doors to get one quick glance at you. You were too occupied with your food that you barely even noticed him looking at you with a goofy smile. 

He enters the convenience store and grabs his favourite instant ramen and its complimented drink. He checks it out and almost instantly, he’s making his way towards you.

He takes a seat right across your table and catches your attention. You glance up with an alarmed look and a strand of ramen hanging from your mouth. He bursts out into giggles and you smile, “hey, you scared the shit out of me, you dickhead!”

“You look pretty terrified,” he says in between giggles. You nod your head in agreement before taking another bite of your noodles, drinking some of the broth right after. “What brings you here on an uneventful night?”

“I just finished my usual study session at the library, and I decided it was about time to treat myself some ramen for my hard work.” You explain and he purses his lips into a line. “What about you? What brings you here? I don’t remember seeing you at the library today.”

He falls silent, and you hear him mutter softly before shoving noodles into his mouth. You furrow your eyebrows questioningly. 

“What was that?”

He sighs frustratingly as he throws his head back, slamming his chopsticks back down onto the table. You jump in your seat, and he sighs again. “Love sucks. Love is shit. Love is so fucking complicated—”

“I feel you,” you cut him off. With a smile starting to spread across your lips, he pulls out his phone and shows you his lockscreen that was free of notifications.

“Can you tell your best friend to at least text her boyfriend to tell him that she’s doing okay? Tell him that ‘oh, I’m just out with my friend’ which by the way, is my own best friend Jimin! I feel betrayed, I feel attacked, I feel like she—”

“You’re jealous, aren’t you?” You cut him off and he sighs before nodding his head in defeat. “Ah, I’ve been there, done that.”

“And she just hangs out with him so much that I feel like I’m the one third-wheeling even though it’s our date!” Jungkook groans, “she just had to ask Jimin to tag along.”

“Yeah, I’ve been there and done that as well.” 

“And sometimes I get annoyed when Jimin starts talking about her and things like how she’s doing in class, if she’s been eating her meals, if she’s been doing this and blah, blah, blah.” Jungkook rolls his eyes, “I’m her boyfriend! He doesn’t need to care about those things, he’s just her friend.”

“Yeah, I don’t know how to help you with that—”

“Ugh, why is love so complicated!” He wails his arms and whines like a baby while you stare at him amusedly. “Why does love have to be such a jerk? Can’t I just love whomever I want and have them love me back? I mean, it’s not that hard—love is a pain in the ass.”

“Love is a pain in the ass when you realize that you’re in love with your best friend’s boyfriend,” you say barely above a whisper and you chase your words by shoving one last mouthful of noodles.

“What—” He asks.

“What?” You repeat and he looks at you blankly. “What—oh, I said ‘love is a pain in the ass just like life. Life is a bitch and then you die.’”

“Was that a Nas reference?”

“Indeed, it was.”

The rest of the night is filled with laughter and tears before the both of you reach the dormitory. You’re a few metres from the entrance doors and you’re in the midst of wiping away your tears of laughter that you suddenly stumble on your two feet. You feel two arms catch and prevent you from falling on your face.

“Oh, thanks, Jungkook.” You laugh again. “I could be very clumsy sometimes.”

“I feel like I’ve been a burden to you, you know, with my whole situation with Jiyeon,” he begins, “have you ever been in love? Maybe I can help.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, my love life is much more complicated than yours.” 

“How so?” He questions.

“Oh, you wouldn’t want to know because I’m in love my best friend’s boyfrie—wow would you look at the time, I should go get some beauty sleep before I get even more uglier that all of Jiyeon’s suitors stop courting her because of me.”

“W-What? I’m so lost.” He pouts his lips.

“I’m kind of lost too, bud. But hey, if I were you, stop letting others make you feel worthless and unwanted. I’m sure someone is out there that’ll make you feel wanted and definitely worth their wait,” you ramble on and on and you don’t notice how he’s slowly starting to fall in a deep trance within your brown orbs. 

You fiddle with the hems of your knitted sweater before realizing that yikes, maybe I’m giving him the idea that I want them to break up and I don’t want that to happen— 

“Oh and uh—don’t think I’m just saying this because my best friend is being really shitty to you, I’m just saying this because I genuinely care, as a friend.” With slightly widened eyes and the need to cringe, you smile nervously, “hope you figure things out eventually, until then, goodnight Jungkook! I’ll see you in bio.”

It is only when you’re already inside your dorm that he realizes one thing. And when he realizes it, he slowly smiles and feels his cheeks start to flush a light tint of red. He starts to remember all the times he’s laughed at your biology puns and jokes, the times where you both messed up your lab reports, even the times where you both studied for the midterm only to end up falling asleep.

Maybe that someone has been there all along. He suddenly laughs at himself, who knew love would be so simple?

“Maybe love doesn’t suck at all if you exist.”

A/N: I hope you guys like the second part of this short series. As I explained in the first drabble for this series, I will be posting a follow-up series that is essentially the ‘sequel’ to all the parts of this series. 

Let me know what you think! Comments? Feedback?

[noir0neko]

5:01- jhk(m)

the only thing thicker than water is blood.

(m)-mature / 4.1k words / vampire!hoseok / enjoy ! 

req; vampire hobi. that's all I'd like to request you can do whatever kind of drabble or fic you please, but I need some vampire hobi 

*before you read please know there is death involved in the fic, so stop or be cautious before proceeding on if that is triggering for you, thank you* 

Current Time: 03:48 pm

You remove your sunglasses once you’re on his porch, adjusting the top of your bathing suit beneath your long shirt before knocking on his front door. Hoseok has lived here alone for barely a month now, and after being friends with him for so long, you find it odd that one day he just decided to leave his childhood home, abandon his family, and somehow get rich enough to buy this mansion along the beach that the two of you had met staring at from the outside.

But every time you went to ask him about it, something stopped you, or every time you thought you’d asked the last time you spoke to him, the answer seemed to have been completely forgotten in some unreachable corner of your brain. And in a peculiar twist of fate, the more you wanted to ask, the less you had answers to, and though you have been dying to see him, you only just now felt compelled to accept his invitation to come over for a swim.

He answers the door in nothing but swimming shorts, the deep lines and muscle along his chest marking him as different from the boy you remembered as well, letting him pull you in for a warm hug, nose nuzzling into your neck affectionately before letting you go.

“Finally!” He gives you a big smile, leading you from the entryway into the huge living room, “you accepted my invitation to come swim.”

“Sorry,” you say bashfully without reason, setting down your bag and looking around his new home. High, vaulted ceiling with beautiful chandeliers and crown molding stretch thirty feet high, huge windows, lush couches, flat screen TV’s, stainless steel appliances, and hand crafted flooring surrounds you. The house alone must have cost him a couple million dollars, and the things within no doubt stretched close to that amount as well, running a hand along the back of his velvet sofa with a seemingly unworthy hand.

“Did you move all of this by yourself?” You ask instead of what you truly want to know.

“Sure did,” he gives a satisfied look around the room, ushering you through the open layout and through a pair of sliding glass doors that lead to the backyard and private strip of beach. His eyes are watching your face, calculating your response to the almost magical scenery in front of you.

The sun is just starting to set over the curvature of the Earth, ocean spreading back to meet it with its curling sea foam. Bushes with large blooming flowers, trees with fruit, and vibrantly green grass surround the area by the Olympic size infinity pool, water perfectly clear and bubbling with jets from all sides. There are two plastic cups on his patio table, the only indication the space has ever been touched, looking impeccable and perfect.

You are smiling, near laughter at how excessive it seems, how in the span of one day, Hoseok up and made what the two of you had talked about as kids a reality.

“You always loved this place,” you wistfully turn to him, air blowing strands of hair in front of your face.

His expression matches yours, plump lips turning up with softness. “You did too.”

“Neither of us ever thought the millionaires would move out so we could squat in it.”

“Well, I am a millionaire now,” Hoseok vaguely responds, “and we don’t have to squat. We can live.”

“Why would anyone leave here?” You wonder, your brain replaying his ‘we’ in your brain, letting the sun's descending rays kiss your face, “it’s like a little slice of heaven on earth.”

“I think they found another place calling them,” Hoseok says, eyes tied to the ocean beyond his yard. Everything about him seems sharper than it did a month ago, his face has built out, he’s lost all of the baby fat his cheeks once held, he seems more aware, alert, and laid back all at the same time. The once scaredy cat of a friend you had now seems afraid of nothing.

A few years ago, you and Hoseok had met on the shores of the very beach the two of you stared at, both admiring the same house that was now his. You found him insanely attractive from the moment you saw him, and although you had been dating someone else at the time, Hoseok made you feel alive in more ways than who you were with ever did. He made you smile, laugh, held you when you cried, and became everything to you over the time you spent together.

And after your previous relationship fell apart, he dragged you out to a party where a game of spin the bottle was occurring. And in a night that would change the platonic state of things, you were chosen, Hoseok was spinning, and the makeout session that followed continued on into a passionate display of deep lust in the middle of his friends living room that shut the door on friendship and opened another into something more.

His parents had always been against him dating, and with you so fresh out of an old relationship, you felt it safe to give yourself time before starting something new. Then four weeks ago, he asked you on a date, and safe seemed completely irrelevant to the pounding of your heart and excitement in your veins. Your favorite restaurant along the pier was his chosen spot, with the fish tanks covering every wall and the open windows and amazing food.

And just as you were leaving to head there, he had called you, out of breath, like he was running, towards something, from something, he wouldn’t say, telling you not to come, telling you to stay inside, telling you that he couldn’t make it, and that he loved you. That he loved you.

Then he was silent for two days,  and when he called again here he was. Saying he moved into that mansion the two of you met in front of and inviting you over for a swim sometime, like nothing ever happened. You wanted to ask why, why he changed, why things were so different, and why he told you those things that night, but you couldn’t. The words never left your lips and your thumbs never typed the text, it felt impossible, like a barrier had pushed its way between your thoughts and your tongue.

“What are you thinking about?” Hoseok implores, poking himself into your thoughts. You turn to him suddenly, searching his eyes for a trace of the warm brown irises that used to be there. But there’s nothing. And the burning curiosity threatens to kill you.

“Just admiring everything,” you impulsively lie, turning your back to him before he can call your bluff, “are we going to swim or just hang around all night?”

He chuckles, a sunshine like sound that brings color to your cheeks. “I was going to make some drinks first.”

“Since when do you drink?” He’s going back inside, trailing behind his frame like a puppy. You feel more drawn, yet more distant to him than ever. He has definitely changed, but how. How?

“Since now,” he shrugs nonchalantly, pulling two stout cups, prefilled with a weird reddish liquid from the fancy, chef’s refrigerator he has, “I’m prepared.” He says with a mischievous grin. He notices your skeptical look, holding out the drink with a raise of his brows, “come on, weenie, it’s five o’clock somewhere, right?”

You look at the clock, 4:12 pm. Close enough.“Did you fill it with poison?” You half joke, watching his face as it follows your hand in grabbing the glass from his.

“Yep,” he responds, “I have a secret stash of killer herbs in the basement.”

You laugh, allowing him to take a sip before you raise the drink to your lips. It smells strong, definitely like it will burn going down, steeling yourself with pursed lips before letting it pass the fleshy barrier.

Bad mistake.

“You definitely should go back to being a non-alcoholic,” you choke on the acidic contents, liquid spilling onto the marble counters when you slam the glass down. Your entire body is on fire, and the weird metallic taste left in your mouth from whatever he mixed makes you feel sick, bracing your hands on the island and squeezing your eyes shut.

“Did you swallow it?” He asks, downing the rest of his and licking his lips.

“I think it dissolved my throat on the way down,” you cough, giving him a pitiful glance.

He gives you a warm smile, coming around to put his hand on your back, “maybe the cool pool with quell the flames?”

His voice is melodic, slow, drawing a nod out of you and focusing on the warm of his hand as he leads you into the yard once more. The world seems fuzzy, and your skin feels hot and tingly, trying to clear your eyes to no avail. Hoseok’s hair is moving with the wind, back and forth, back and forth, like the swinging of a pendulum.

He lets you stop to slip off your dress, the second that his hand is gone from yours creating a deep void in the pit of your stomach, kicking off your sandals and feeling his eyes graze over your body, skin clear and radiating with the afternoon sky. You reach back for his hand, and he allows you to take it, keeping the course to the edge of the pool.

“Where do you see yourself in ten years?” He asks, voice sounding far away yet so close, “answer me honestly.”

You blink, the water warm and cement smooth against your feet as you take a step into the water after him. He is still holding your hand, slowly pacing himself with getting the two of you into the pool. You don’t have to think, brain unfiltering the words as they candidly fall from your mouth.

“I want to have traveled the world, maybe own a couple of houses in my favorite spots with gorgeous views like this one. A well paying job, a comfortable living, with no place I have to be tied down to. Just you, I want to be tied down with you. We can go to every country and learn every language and see every monument and only worry about where we are going next and not how we are going to get there.”

“That’s an awful lot for just ten years,” he observes, side profile coming into view as he partially turns, falling sunshine illuminating him like a glowing angel.

“I’m a dreamer,” you breathe, now waist deep into the water, hearing it lap over the edges with the intrusion of your bodies.

“Have you ever dreamed of me?” He leads you into deeper waters, where your chest is now submerged, turning around and letting his hand slide up your arm to free itself of the chlorine.

“Yes,” you say, taking your lower lip between your teeth.

“Do you think you can be completely honest with me?” He wonders.

“Of course,” you immediately respond, arms alight with goosebumps.

“Have you ever heard the expression: ‘blood is thicker than water’?”

“Not for you,” the words are like spaghetti, his fingers pulling the noodles from your throat without your permission, “you just left your family for-” His hand tightens around your upper arm, cutting off your sentence abruptly.

“I didn’t leave you.”

“I’m not your blood, your family.”

“But you’re the only person I need in my life. The only person I could never live without, even if it would be for your own good-”

“My own good?” You lose your breath as his fingers trace the outline of your face.

His eyes are searching yours, looking for something within them. You are too, you’re looking for him. You’re looking for the person you knew and not the one who is before you now. You love him, no doubt about that, but the confusion about who the person you loved had become eats at you. He is the same, but different. Him, but not him all the same.

“You’re so beautiful,” he fingers a strand of your hair, capturing a part of your soul with the look he gives you. Everything about him is stunning, clarifying and beautiful, from the slope of his nose, to the bow of his lips, to the shape of his eyebrows rounding his eyes. He had always been a work of art, but now he mesmerized you, stunned you into silence and kept you still with something so simple as a glance, a release of his breath between your bodies.

You’re staring at his lips, aching to kiss them, wishing with every ounce of your body to feel him, mind no longer fuzzy with disorientation, but with want. With lust. And you forget everything he just said, only focusing on what is happening right now and the acute proximity between your bodies.

“Do you want to kiss me?” The tone of his voice is dark, seductive.

“Yes,” you release a long sigh, closing your eyes and feeling your bones jolt at the contact of him against you. The arrival of his lips is slow, sultry, almost hesitant and boy-like, sparking remnants of who you remember him to be coming through. He is Jung Hoseok, the same person you’ve always known, the same sweet, soft guy who you fell in love with. This new side of him was just that: a side. Not his whole face, just a new part. A very sexy part.

You hook your arms around his neck, running your fingers through his hair and trying to find some control over yourself by holding him to you, hungrily devouring him like the full course meal he is. A smile curves into his lips, hands snaking around to grip your thighs and effortlessly pull them around his waist in the water. Walking backwards, he pushes you up against the wall of the pool for leverage, small pecks heating into a fiery makeout session, his tongue moving along yours to the rhythm of his fingers along your back, playing melodies and creating cacophonies along your skin.

You can barely remember your first name with the way he’s kissing you, grinding your body into his midsection and letting the world around you fall away in favor of him. He is all you see, all you feel, all you sense, the burning metallic taste still in the back of your throat intensifying with his alcohol stained lips. Everything about his grip is possessive, every sound from his throat claims you, ankles falling back down to the floor and nearly stepping on his toes to get as close to him as humanly possible.

He traces the outline of your bathing suit bottoms, sneakily hooking a finger under the wet elastic and running his forefinger along your clit, eliciting a high, needy moan. You brace your palms against his shoulders, feeling the muscle move taut beneath your clasp with the downward movement, rotating his wrist until he is cupping you, sliding a finger into the warm recesses of your body and feeling you tighten with rough pleasure.

You incessantly moan his name, arching your back and breathing sounds of wondrous lust down his throat. Everything he does feels magnified, and when he curls his finger up into your walls, finding that sweet spot within you, a cry leaves your lips that seems to echo into the afternoon beach. He is working pure magic, enticing raw sin, and with every stroke of his finger and flick of his wrist, you are falling further and further into the dark hell he opened up for you, raging brightly with fire and red.  

He uses his thumb and middle finger to pinch you, stomach writhing and twisting with orgasm. Hoseok said you’d be his first, but with the way he was touching you, this was the most insane beginners luck you had ever seen, feeling him so acutely in every cell as he reached exactly where you were the most sensitive and most vulnerable. Your lips are swollen, flower between your legs engorged, and body like a live wire.

“Do you want me to stop?” His breath is hot and low.

“No,” you whine, pitch off key and broken.

Hoseok increases his speed, roughly ravishing you and swallowing all of your sounds and sighs whole with his lips. Pressure begins to build in your spine, a powerhouse ready to unleash itself and spasms racking through you. Endorphins are rushing through your veins, heart pumping impossibly fast, and Hoseok’s lips pressing against your pulse as if to steady it.

“Perfect,” he says, watching your face distort and eyebrows scrunch as you cum, dripping white lust onto his fingers and tightening the velvet of your core around him to further your friction. You’re a mess, vocally and physically straining to stay above water with him as you ride him, swallowing thickly and falling half still when you finish.

But he’s not done, continuing to slowly work you back up and overstimulate you by mercilessly teasing you with his fingers, circling around your clit and pinching the nub while moving his lips down your jaw, listening to your heart continue to race. The sun is bright blue, but you are seeing stars, eyes dazed and lips open as your body moves in synchronization with his, draping your arms around his neck once more as he pulls you back out into the pool.

Hoseok is sucking dark flowers into the skin of your neck, nibbling at the flesh before sinking his teeth into it, ripping a gasp from your lips as you can feel blood dripping from the wound.

He bit you.

Hoseok is groaning loudly, as if in euphoria, licking at the punctured skin and drops of red, finally tasting you for the first and last time. His hands pull you down, lips go back to yours, and his mouth is full of your blood as he opens it, transferring your own life force into your body once more. The pool water is clear, eyes wide and gazing into his, seeking him, but finding nothing but him kissing you.

Hoseok’s lips are feverish and dominating, consuming yours fully and completely in a raw, desperate manner, distantly reminding you of your first kiss with him. In his friend’s living room, exploring possibility for the first time, aching to feel the other giving in as much as they were. Dying to sense if he was as impacted by what was happening as you had been. His hands are fitted to your waist, rubbing circles into your skin with slow speed, mimicking his earlier actions on your core, sending flushes of heat to the sensitive area.

You’re underwater. And you can’t breathe, but you don’t care, letting Hoseok steal every bit of oxygen from your lungs with his kiss, and his strong grip and his alluring eyes. Your body is burning with the need for air, Hoseok giving you no room to move and no motivation to with his tongue sliding into your mouth, moving against yours with skill you don’t remember him having.

Closing your eyes at last, your hands slacken from around his neck to float in the water, movement stopping against him and mind going blank with darkness. You can no longer feel his warmth, for the fire is coming from within your veins, body burning and igniting itself into flames, physically still, but mentally writhing with no clue how to make it stop. The sun is no longer penetrating the water, and you can feel yourself falling downward, void of the support from his grasp.  

A million things begin to fill your mind at once, driving to find Hoseok at the restaurant that night, running along the pier’s outer empty border to find him. Seeing him. But not him. Drenched in blood. Not his blood. Veins of red spreading through the sand to get pulled out with the ocean water. A girl beneath him, throat torn open, maimed, eyes wide with death. He can’t stop looking at you, telling you to forget you saw this, telling you to go home, and wait for him to call you again.

The shadow at your window, obstructing the moon from view. A size his frame in the light. Him saying he couldn’t leave you, he couldn’t let you go. Telling you how he could hear the blood rushing through your veins, telling you how badly he wanted to taste it. Telling you to forget and keep waiting.

His call weeks ago. How it never happened. How you ran into him again on the shores of the beach, how he kissed you. How he invited you over. How he said he would see you again soon. How he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. How he said he loved you.

And then told you to forget, remember a call, and keep waiting.

Everything he was and all he had become, different puzzle pieces swirling together in a sea of vibrant red as bright as the blood that had dripped from his teeth that night on the pier. The pearly white incisors stained and sharpened and deadly and-

Him staring at you in the pool. Him saying he wanted to turn you. Him admitting he gave you his blood in the drink. Him asking you what you wanted. Giving you no time to answer. Telling you to forget. Telling you all he had left to do was-

Breathe. You can breathe, coming up for air above the water to find you don’t need oxygen anymore, your breathing is stopped, your lungs are silent, and your heart is still. The pool water glitters around you, every single one of your senses heightened, the blaring of the sun’s rays, the cold chlorine lapping at your skin, the smell of flowers in the air. You can see every pore on his face, the different colors in his eyes, the water spilling down his lips as he reemerges from the waves after you.

“Hoseok…” The name feels different in your mouth, tongue, thick, blubbery and throat burning with fire. You feel as if you could drink the entire contents of his infinity pool and still be unsatisfied, wading back into the concrete wall and placing a hand at the base of your neck.

“You’re thirsty, aren’t you?” Hoseok’s head tilts, which causes exactly 136 strands of hair to fall to one side, brown and bronze cascading over the white of his skin.

Your eyebrows furrow, feeling the hairs move and the skin crinkle and your cells duplicating within your body. Your head is pounding, eyes burning, and everything within you is screaming for something you can’t identify.

“What did you do to me? You bit me.” Your voice is scratchy, rough.

You blink, finding him suddenly gone from in front of you, blinking once more and then he’s back, inches from your face. He’s holding a cup against your chest, plastic purple coloring the liquid a deep burgundy. It smells fantastic, like warm brownies, or a freshly baked cake, snatching the cup from his fingers and feeling him watch as you bring it to your lips with alarming speed.

“What is this?” You ask, grip so strong the plastic cracks down the middle and streams of thick, red liquid begin to run over your fingers into the pool. It tastes like heaven, like ecstasy, quenching the burning in your throat, but leaving you wanting more. You can’t get it down fast enough, feeling it spread through your veins and travel down your esophagus and into your stomach.

“You don’t know?” Hoseok reaches his hand out, using a thumb to wipe away the excess pooling around your lips before bringing it to his own mouth, licking it off with a euphoric smile. His eyes meet yours, smiling sinfully, “It’s blood.

I turned you into a vampire.”

Time Of Death: 05:01 pm

firsT request of the batch ! hope you enjoyed it :)

~Admin Eggplant

[riichardwilson]

6 Signs Your Fear of Failure Is Holding You Back (Without You Even Knowing It)

August 6, 2020 8 min read

Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

What’s holding you back from starting a business?

Wait… don’t tell me. I already know.

If you’re anything like most would-be entrepreneurs I’ve talked to, you’re afraid.

Yes, you, with the big dreams, the killer ideas, and the jaw-droppingly impressive skill set.

You’re a scaredy-cat.

Hey, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.  Most of the time, I’m totally scared, too. Fear of failure is extremely common, especially among us entrepreneurs.

And with everything going on right now, there’s more fear swirling around than ever. With businesses closing, layoffs, and furloughs, your fear of the uncertainty that lies ahead is totally justifiable.

Related: Book a one-on-one coaching session with Kim Perell right now

But here’s the thing: most of us aren’t especially eager to admit our fear to ourselves… or anyone else, for that matter. Instead, maybe you tend to come up with excuses for why you don’t take the leap and head out on your own. You might snuggle up in your comfort zone, insisting that you’d way rather keep working your boring job than embrace your creative side and start a wildly profitable side hustle where you are the boss.

I know better. And you can, too. Once you recognize the signs and acknowledge that fear is the main thing that’s holding you back, you can finally start to conquer your fears and take control of your life — no matter how uncertain the future may feel right now.

Here are a few telltale signs your fear of failure is currently holding you back – whether you’ve already admitted it to yourself or not.

1. You hesitate to try new things

When a friend of yours asks you to try a restaurant, get set on a blind date, try a new sport or something else you’ve never done before, your answer is usually a quick “Nah.” You prefer to stick to things you already know.

You choose your battles carefully, only agreeing to take on select challenges you’re really confident you’ll succeed in. This may seem totally trivial when it comes to social events – but in business, it can have serious consequences. Choosing to avoid any possible chance of failure by turning down new experiences can cause you to avoid taking risks, developing new skills, and creating something exciting. All because you’re afraid of failure.

Related: 3 Relationships That Will Build the Tribe Every Entrepreneur Deserves

If this sounds like you, make it a goal to say “YES” the next time someone invites you to try something new. Embrace those scenarios as an opportunity to step outside your comfort zone.

2. You’re settling for less than you deserve

You absolutely adore your creativity-stifling, monotonous job. You’re thrilled with your non-committal partner who isn’t really all that nice to you. No, it’s not that you’re afraid of change – you’re just ecstatic at the thought of living every single day the exact same way as you have for the last year.

While being content with your current circumstances is a good quality, being complacent is not. The truth is, you really do have the power to improve your situation and change your life. But in order to do so, you’ll have to admit that you want (and deserve!) more. You’ll have to take a risk. Yes, you’ll have a higher chance of failure that way – but you’ll also have a much, MUCH higher chance of living the life of your dreams. 

If this sounds like you, set aside some time to take stock of your life. Consider your job, your relationships, and your current situation. What are you happy with? What do you wish was different? Then, start brainstorming a few changes you could make in order to make your life closer to how you wish it was. Focus on the good that could come from facing your fears, making a change and taking a step toward progress.

3. You insist you’re not afraid of anything

Spiders? Yawn. Crippling loneliness? Bring it on. Failure? Whatever.

Sorry, but I’m calling your bluff. Everyone’s afraid of something — and entrepreneurs have plenty to be afraid of. Fear is a natural human emotion. No matter how cool or capable you are, I guarantee you’ve felt afraid from time to time. And I’m willing to bet it’s influenced plenty of decisions you’ve made, too. Denying your fear doesn’t make it go away — in fact, allowing your fear to hide away in the shadows only gives it more power over your life.

Related: How Resilience Led Me to Success

If this sounds like you, it’s time to get really honest and vulnerable with yourself. Take some time to think about what you’re truly afraid of. Write down your fears and acknowledge what you are really afraid of. Then, you’ll be able to start addressing and overcoming your fears rather than living in a state of denial.

4. You tend to fall apart when things start going south

Whenever you fail, even in a small way, you feel like YOU’RE a failure. Your self-talk gets especially negative whenever things are going bad. You thrive when things are smooth-sailing – but you tend to view any challenges up ahead as disasters, not opportunities.

If this sounds like you, your mindset is the main thing that needs changing. Work on embracing failure as an opportunity to grow. Surround yourself with positive influences and work on keeping your self-talk positive, no matter your circumstances.

5. You tend to judge other people based on their success or failure

When you see someone who’s uber-successful, you assume it’s because they’re a really incredible person. When you see someone who’s failed, you assume they must have done something wrong, or maybe they’re just not cut out for this sort of thing. (When really, this might just be one step on their long road to success.)

Pay attention to how you look at failure & success when it doesn’t involve you personally. That’s a great insight into your beliefs about it.

If this sounds like you, try to focus on your internal qualities and effort rather than external success when you’re assessing where you’re at. Also, do your best not to compare yourself to others – it’s great to learn from the successes and failures of other people, but it’s unproductive to measure yourself against them. Everyone is on a different place in their journey, their middle may be your starting point.

6. You make excuses

There are approximately a million reasons why you can’t, or shouldn’t, or won’t start a business right now. You don’t have enough money, you’re super busy, there’s a pandemic going on, you’ve got too much on your plate, it’s too hot outside, you’re tired, your psychic told you now’s not the time, you’re pretty sure your awesome idea actually sucks.

Fear is fluent in excuses. Sure, all of those excuses might be founded in truth – but if you really want to start a business, no excuse should ever be powerful enough to hold you back. That’s a surefire sign that your fear is the real thing holding you back.

If this sounds like you, address your excuses head-on. Take a moment to write down all of the reasons you think you can’t start a business right now. Then, take them one at a time and consider how you might overcome them if you had to start today. For example, if you think you can’t start a business because you don’t have any money – could you find a way to get started without cash? If you’re too busy — could you eliminate something from your schedule to free up some time?

Once you acknowledge what you’re really afraid of, you can start making real progress toward your goals — without the fear of failure standing between you and your dreams.

If you’re really serious about starting something new instead of letting your fear keep holding you back, enroll in the Side Hustle Accelerator to get everything you need to start and launch your business. Click here to join today.

The Side Hustle Accelerator program developed by our VIP expert Kim Perell is full of amazing content including a hand-picked directory of 100+ Side Hustles you can start today! This step-by-step program was built for anyone ready to start their side hustle. Get started today and take advantage of our special discount. 

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[scpie]

6 Signs Your Fear of Failure Is Holding You Back (Without You Even Knowing It)

August 6, 2020 8 min read

Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

What’s holding you back from starting a business?

Wait… don’t tell me. I already know.

If you’re anything like most would-be entrepreneurs I’ve talked to, you’re afraid.

Yes, you, with the big dreams, the killer ideas, and the jaw-droppingly impressive skill set.

You’re a scaredy-cat.

Hey, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.  Most of the time, I’m totally scared, too. Fear of failure is extremely common, especially among us entrepreneurs.

And with everything going on right now, there’s more fear swirling around than ever. With businesses closing, layoffs, and furloughs, your fear of the uncertainty that lies ahead is totally justifiable.

Related: Book a one-on-one coaching session with Kim Perell right now

But here’s the thing: most of us aren’t especially eager to admit our fear to ourselves… or anyone else, for that matter. Instead, maybe you tend to come up with excuses for why you don’t take the leap and head out on your own. You might snuggle up in your comfort zone, insisting that you’d way rather keep working your boring job than embrace your creative side and start a wildly profitable side hustle where you are the boss.

I know better. And you can, too. Once you recognize the signs and acknowledge that fear is the main thing that’s holding you back, you can finally start to conquer your fears and take control of your life — no matter how uncertain the future may feel right now.

Here are a few telltale signs your fear of failure is currently holding you back – whether you’ve already admitted it to yourself or not.

1. You hesitate to try new things

When a friend of yours asks you to try a restaurant, get set on a blind date, try a new sport or something else you’ve never done before, your answer is usually a quick “Nah.” You prefer to stick to things you already know.

You choose your battles carefully, only agreeing to take on select challenges you’re really confident you’ll succeed in. This may seem totally trivial when it comes to social events – but in business, it can have serious consequences. Choosing to avoid any possible chance of failure by turning down new experiences can cause you to avoid taking risks, developing new skills, and creating something exciting. All because you’re afraid of failure.

Related: 3 Relationships That Will Build the Tribe Every Entrepreneur Deserves

If this sounds like you, make it a goal to say “YES” the next time someone invites you to try something new. Embrace those scenarios as an opportunity to step outside your comfort zone.

2. You’re settling for less than you deserve

You absolutely adore your creativity-stifling, monotonous job. You’re thrilled with your non-committal partner who isn’t really all that nice to you. No, it’s not that you’re afraid of change – you’re just ecstatic at the thought of living every single day the exact same way as you have for the last year.

While being content with your current circumstances is a good quality, being complacent is not. The truth is, you really do have the power to improve your situation and change your life. But in order to do so, you’ll have to admit that you want (and deserve!) more. You’ll have to take a risk. Yes, you’ll have a higher chance of failure that way – but you’ll also have a much, MUCH higher chance of living the life of your dreams. 

If this sounds like you, set aside some time to take stock of your life. Consider your job, your relationships, and your current situation. What are you happy with? What do you wish was different? Then, start brainstorming a few changes you could make in order to make your life closer to how you wish it was. Focus on the good that could come from facing your fears, making a change and taking a step toward progress.

3. You insist you’re not afraid of anything

Spiders? Yawn. Crippling loneliness? Bring it on. Failure? Whatever.

Sorry, but I’m calling your bluff. Everyone’s afraid of something — and entrepreneurs have plenty to be afraid of. Fear is a natural human emotion. No matter how cool or capable you are, I guarantee you’ve felt afraid from time to time. And I’m willing to bet it’s influenced plenty of decisions you’ve made, too. Denying your fear doesn’t make it go away — in fact, allowing your fear to hide away in the shadows only gives it more power over your life.

Related: How Resilience Led Me to Success

If this sounds like you, it’s time to get really honest and vulnerable with yourself. Take some time to think about what you’re truly afraid of. Write down your fears and acknowledge what you are really afraid of. Then, you’ll be able to start addressing and overcoming your fears rather than living in a state of denial.

4. You tend to fall apart when things start going south

Whenever you fail, even in a small way, you feel like YOU’RE a failure. Your self-talk gets especially negative whenever things are going bad. You thrive when things are smooth-sailing – but you tend to view any challenges up ahead as disasters, not opportunities.

If this sounds like you, your mindset is the main thing that needs changing. Work on embracing failure as an opportunity to grow. Surround yourself with positive influences and work on keeping your self-talk positive, no matter your circumstances.

5. You tend to judge other people based on their success or failure

When you see someone who’s uber-successful, you assume it’s because they’re a really incredible person. When you see someone who’s failed, you assume they must have done something wrong, or maybe they’re just not cut out for this sort of thing. (When really, this might just be one step on their long road to success.)

Pay attention to how you look at failure & success when it doesn’t involve you personally. That’s a great insight into your beliefs about it.

If this sounds like you, try to focus on your internal qualities and effort rather than external success when you’re assessing where you’re at. Also, do your best not to compare yourself to others – it’s great to learn from the successes and failures of other people, but it’s unproductive to measure yourself against them. Everyone is on a different place in their journey, their middle may be your starting point.

6. You make excuses

There are approximately a million reasons why you can’t, or shouldn’t, or won’t start a business right now. You don’t have enough money, you’re super busy, there’s a pandemic going on, you’ve got too much on your plate, it’s too hot outside, you’re tired, your psychic told you now’s not the time, you’re pretty sure your awesome idea actually sucks.

Fear is fluent in excuses. Sure, all of those excuses might be founded in truth – but if you really want to start a business, no excuse should ever be powerful enough to hold you back. That’s a surefire sign that your fear is the real thing holding you back.

If this sounds like you, address your excuses head-on. Take a moment to write down all of the reasons you think you can’t start a business right now. Then, take them one at a time and consider how you might overcome them if you had to start today. For example, if you think you can’t start a business because you don’t have any money – could you find a way to get started without cash? If you’re too busy — could you eliminate something from your schedule to free up some time?

Once you acknowledge what you’re really afraid of, you can start making real progress toward your goals — without the fear of failure standing between you and your dreams.

If you’re really serious about starting something new instead of letting your fear keep holding you back, enroll in the Side Hustle Accelerator to get everything you need to start and launch your business. Click here to join today.

The Side Hustle Accelerator program developed by our VIP expert Kim Perell is full of amazing content including a hand-picked directory of 100+ Side Hustles you can start today! This step-by-step program was built for anyone ready to start their side hustle. Get started today and take advantage of our special discount. 

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[anastasiavitsky]

Wow.

It’s like the children’s poem about wanting a horseshoe nail and losing a kingdom, only in reverse.

We got a canny collar, which helped with reactivity. We worked on her reactivity, which helped with letting her off the lead (for tiny periods.) We let her off the lead one moment at a time, which helped with her focus and calmness, plus trusting me. We worked on her focus, calmness, and trusting me, which helped pass her bronze exam. We passed her bronze exam, which helped with confidence. We both felt more confident, which helped with everyday challenges (walking on a crowded pavement, not freaking out when strangers approach, not lunging after cars/bikes/joggers). We were better able to navigate everyday challenges, so we got to try an agility class. We got to try agility, which made us excited at finally learning grown-up things! We got to learn even more exciting grown-up things at our silver obedience class, and she did so well that she’s tentatively booked for her silver exam at the end of May. Getting booked in for her silver exam has been a huge motivational boost for training of all kinds. And…now she’s tried scentwork!

Okay, my version isn’t as catchy as the children’s one, but the gist is the same. One tiny thing affected another, which affected another, which affected bigger and bigger things. Only in our case, it was a snowball of positive events. To the point that I’m now seriously wondering if we’ve finally, finally broken the back of her teenage bratty stage (for now!). Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled she still has spunk after everything she’s been through, and I would never want her to be cowed or timid. However, it’s lovely to see her growing up and maturing. (Just watch. Tomorrow I’ll moan at how everything’s gone to pot and she’s bratty again. 😛 )

One of the biggest challenges in our new home has been exercise. We live in a small apartment (flat to my British readers) with a paved backyard (I’d say garden for British readers, but it really is a paved yard). It’s lovely to have our own space free from fear and worries, but it’s not safe for running around. Ladybug was just getting reliable off lead in the park (and able to run around with other dogs) when we were attacked, not just once but twice.

What happens when you have a young, intelligent, and task-oriented border collie puppy in a small space?

Plus a puppy who has to be careful about overexertion?

That’s right, folks. You’ve got Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for…Puppy! 😀

So, one of the options I discovered was scentwork. No jumping, no running around, and it can be done in a small space. I found a workshop and signed up. I was a bit nervous as it’s a three-hour block of time, and even our one-hour obedience classes can get too long. I was sure there would be breaks and so on, but I didn’t know if Ladybug could focus for such a long period.

Also, because we’ve had such negative experiences with previous (obedience) classes, I worried about her interactions with the teacher. Ladybug is not a perfectly behaved dog, and sometimes she freaks out at people approaching her. Dog-loving instructors *usually* are okay, but not always. And, since she hadn’t been off-leash and able to run around with other dogs, I worried that she’d be skittish, edgy, barky, and (honestly) a pain for the class.

If she didn’t like scentwork, I didn’t mind. I won’t make her do something fun unless she wants to, but I didn’t want her to misbehave in class and trigger a negative reaction from other students/dogs and the teacher. Plus, to be frank, I didn’t want to hear negative comments. She’s still a young puppy, she’s been through more in her short lifetime than most people in their entire lives, and I’m sick and tired of the criticism.

Constructive feedback how I can train her better? Absolutely!

Destructive comments, like saying she’s aggressive and needs to be put down (because people violate her space, don’t respect her requests to back off, won’t let her escape, and she barks at them)? I don’t need that, and neither does she. I’ve been told by various people for most of her life that I don’t know what I’m doing and that I’m doing everything wrong, and it’s seriously hurt my relationship with her. I’m a first-time puppy mama, she’s almost died, and I’m scared of letting her down.

So, walking into the scentwork workshop was a wonderful surprise.

I’d filled out a pre-workshop questionnaire detailing her personality, history, training, and issues. Ellen was lovely and accommodating. We were given first choice of where to work (I asked to be near a door so Ladybug and I could slip out when she needed space), and we were given one-quarter of the barn for ourselves. (This came in handy when she needed a quick chase around our area to let off some steam, and it provided a buffer zone when a nearby anxious/reactive dog and she got into a tiff.)

Before the class, I’d done some baby scentwork exercises I’d seen on youtube. I held out a scent pot (really, a plastic Easter egg with two small holes :P) filled with whole cloves, and I rewarded her for sniffing it. I tucked bits of steamed chicken into Easter eggs and hid them all over, and she learned to find them. A treat went under large plastic drinking cups, and I swapped them around so she could find the treat. We worked up to eight cups with three treats to find, and she loved it. Oh, and she’s been having a great time with her buster mat (although that’s not necessarily only by scent).

To my surprise, in comparison with what we’d done at home, the work in the class was very easy. In fact, at a few points Ladybug said, “Nope, I’m done!” because she’d gotten things right several times in a row. But I loved the set up when we had our one-on-one sessions with Ellen. We went into a semi-enclosed area, and each lessons of short session was a clearly defined, intuitive, and easy to learn. Then we were sent away for a good long break while Ellen worked with the other four dogs.

In between the mini lessons, we had an exercise to practice on our own.

(Photos, clockwise from top left: Ladybug bored after mastering an exercise, watching a horse on one of our little walks, relaxing at home after a long day, curled up while waiting for her next session, and the various bags of treats I’d prepared to keep her motivated.)

As you can see from the photo, Ladybug was quick to tell me when she’d had enough. 😀 While she probably could have used tasks that were a bit harder, it was eye-opening to see just how quickly and confidently she responded when everything was fail-proof.

Our first task?

Play with a scented sock.

OMG. Ladybug thought she’d died and gone to puppy heaven. She’s never allowed to play with any clothes at home (for obvious reasons), and she couldn’t believe her luck. We played fetch, catch, tug, hide-and-seek, and good old fashioned shake-the-prey for ages. In fact, we didn’t even need treats for almost the first hour because she thought the sock was her reward.

Plus, with plenty of space around us, I could let her have a bit of a run (on the leash, as there was one other dog who was anxious and reacted badly to her). We even practiced some heelwork using the sock as the lure. 😀

First task? Smashing success.

Second task was to nudge the sock with her nose.

Sounds super easy, but at first she was confused by the lack of instructions. Ellen put the sock on top of a box. We waited, and Ladybug looked confused. (She was also distracted by having a good sniff around the working area.) Then we put a small treat (diced steamed potato) on top of the sock. Sniff, click, and treat. Yay! Then without the treat. Again, without any instructions. Ladybug figured it out for herself. (This was a huge revelation for me, and it’s changed how I approach her training at home.) We did it a few more times (adding one or two more sockless boxes as decoys), and by the end Ladybug was quite pleased with herself. She pranced back to our side of the barn, we did some practice on our own, and we had another walk around the farm.

Newsflash: My little scaredy-cat puppy ably defends me from attackers in the park, but she’s (apparently) terrified of horses. I was glad for her canny collar, as it took quite a bit of persuading to calm her down. (Note to self: need to help Ladybug get over her fear of horses, as two of our classes are held on farms with horses.) It served as a great distraction practice for heelwork, though. We also practiced her circles and other agility basics in between our individual sessions, so it was quite a productive session. 😀

The workshop continued with slightly more challenging exercises each time, and the next to last one was a car search. (Or, rather, an introduction for later car search training.) What did our fearless puppy have to do?

Walk around the car, find the bits of chicken lunch meat stuck onto the car, and eat them.

Seriously! 😀 😀 😀

First she got to play with a sock, and then she got to eat chicken from a car!

I goofed up my job, though, as I led her the wrong way the second time around. (Oops!) I was too excited at watching her have fun. I mean, how can you fail when it’s finding chicken slapped onto a car? I can’t wait to find a quiet parking lot so we can do this together. 😀 She looked at me with a little disbelief at first (Wait, you’re LETTING me lick the car? When you always tell me not to lick things that might be dirty?), but she had a grand time afterward.

Another nice bit happened right before her car search practice. It had been two hours of nonstop interaction (not because the workshop required it, but because Ladybug needed the interaction to stay focused and calm). When the other students and dogs went outside to practice, Ellen suggested that we wait inside so Ladybug wouldn’t get anxious being in such close proximity with the other dogs. Ladybug might have been just fine outside, but it was lovely to be offered the option. As it turns out, having a bit of quiet time was just what she needed. For the first time that morning, she settled down and cuddled next to me. (We were supposed to bring a blanket for our dogs to lie on, but she preferred the soft, fluffy stuff on the barn floor.) We had a lovely, relaxing, and sweet cuddle.

I’ve never seen her that relaxed the first time in a new environment, and it did my heart good. Ellen came back in, and we had a brief chat. I thanked her for being so accommodating. “It breaks my heart when people aren’t,” she said, “because dogs need so much more than we give them.” She was so respectful, asking for permission instead of approaching Ladybug directly. I didn’t get any lectures about coddling my dog, feeding into her anxiety, or transmitting my issues onto her. The result? A happy, excited, and eager dog.

After all, of course I want Ladybug to be confident and able to handle new situations without special accommodations. I want her to conquer her fears and learn that she can handle the nasty people and dogs she’ll face, and I love that she (usually) sticks up for herself. It’s just going to take her a while to mature and learn how to do this appropriately. It was such a pleasure to bring her to someone who understood this, and–most of all–respected that I as Ladybug’s mum was best able to read her. She needed that bit of down time. Five or ten minutes, and then she bounced to her feet and was eager to engage again, but she needed it. Otherwise, she could have been overexcited and overstimulated enough to engage in problematic behaviors. Just like kids at Christmas  often have meltdowns because they need a bit of time and space to decompress, Ladybug needed the bit of quiet so she could re-engage.

My only disappointment with the class was that we didn’t have time to learn a passive indication (like how to freeze when she finds a scent). I would have liked to learn how to teach that to Ladybug, as the workshops are once a month and that’s a good amount of time we could be practicing on our own.

Surprisingly, though, the take-home lessons have been less about scentwork and more about training in general. It’s something that’s been reinforced by our agility trainer, too.

I need to supplement lure training with other kinds of training, like free shaping. And training that relies on Ladybug’s initiative (letting her explore/do what she wants, and clicking/rewarding as soon as she does anything even close to what I want) rather than it all being directed by me.

The lure training has its place, and it’s been super effective for obedience training. After all, that’s gotten us from unruly puppy failing at heelwork to silver award candidate in three short weeks. But for scentwork, agility, and a lot of life in general, I don’t want obedience. I want a dog who can think for herself and make good choices.

Repetition of a lesson I keep having to learn: Stop expecting too much at once! It was eye-opening to see how teeny-tiny the steps were at the workshop. I mean, what Ladybug was expected to do by the end of the three hours was pretty close to what I might have done in a first training session on our own. Way too fast, Ana! Yes, Ladybug is super smart and super motivated, but I have to start smaller if I want her to figure things out on her own. I need to create more failproof training situations for her. But how? That’s going to be something to ponder for quite a while.

On the flip side, it is okay if she “fails.” A conversation with our agility trainer helped me realize I’ve been misreading Ladybug’s signals when I’ve tried free shaping in the past. When she whines and cries, or even lies down and refuses to engage, I’ve panicked and thought I’ve caused her distress. I’ve been trying to make my instructions as clear as possible so she can get it right on the first try (and not fail), but that’s still kept the training centered on my direction.

I used a slightly similar approach with something I’ve wanted Ladybug to learn for a while, holding a wooden spoon in her mouth. I’ve tried trainer-directed methods (at someone’s suggestion), like holding the spoon in her mouth and clicking for just a tiny second of work. She doesn’t like it, though, and it didn’t help.

Instead, I set the wooden spoon on the floor, took out a treat, and waited with my clicker. She grew puzzled, so I nudged the spoon closer to her. She immediately lay down and covered the spoon with her paw. 😀 I clicked and rewarded whenever she got near the spoon, and gradually I got pickier in my asking. By the end of the session, I was only clicking and rewarding if she touched/licked/pawed at the place where the bowl meets the handle of the spoon. (I think I’ll need to wrap tape or something around that spot, so it’s easier for her to tell that’s what I want.)

She did get frustrated, she did whine, and she tried half a dozen other trained behaviors in an effort to figure out what I wanted (sitting, lying down, giving me her paw, etc.) But I both allowed her to “fail” (not rushing in to immediately show her what I wanted) and ensured her success (by rewarding her for the teeniest little thing, even though it wasn’t anything like the eventual desired outcome–holding the spoon in her mouth).

After all, isn’t that something I find frustrating for myself? When I’m trying to learn something new and struggling with how to overcome a problem, I hate it when someone rushes in and solves it for me. When I went overseas for the first time and tried to use the ticket-taking machine at the subway entrance, I couldn’t get it to work. My well-meaning friend took it from me and did it correctly, but I was left feeling frustrated and irritated, not appreciative. I needed to know how to do it for the future, not just that one time. I also wanted to feel accomplished and competent and figuring it out for myself. If that’s true for me, why wouldn’t it be true for my dog? That leads me to my last take-home lesson.

Ladybug has been desperately sick, and she has been through untold trauma. But as much as I need to (and have) validated this, accepted this, accommodated this, and been patient in protecting her from the big bad world (that, frankly, has been downright terrible to her), she’s stronger than I think. I mean, what she went through would have killed most dogs. That she’s even alive is a miracle.

No one can say that she’s out of the woods, her kidneys won’t suddenly degrade, or the treatment’s she’s had will stop working. She still could become worse at any moment, and she still could die. (Wait for the lesson; it’s coming.)

BUT…she’s here. She’s alive. She’s well enough to start baby training in scentwork and agility. She’s accomplished her bronze obedience award and is nearly ready to accomplish the silver.

She did really well in a three-hour scentwork workshop, and she loved it.

She’s doing okay.

She’s going to be okay.

And so will I.

After all, that’s what I want most of all. I don’t care if she wins competitions or medals or goes to Crufts someday. I just want a dog who enjoys her life and is a pleasure to have. I want her to slowly conquer fears, channel energy and anxiety in constructive ways (I keep saying that lesson fees are cheaper than vet bills), become more independent, and feel confident. I want her to be the big dog in the park who gives an amused, indifferent sniff when a dog comes rushing toward us. I don’t want her to be the little dog who jumps, bark, and reacts in terror.

Ladybug’s going to be okay.

And she’s going to love finding chicken on the car and chasing scented socks. 😀

    Our very first scentwork class! Wow. It's like the children's poem about wanting a horseshoe nail and losing a kingdom, only in reverse.

[deletedhumanhead-blog]

February 7, 2017: Thailand

My cousin studies in Thailand and for a while now we’ve been planning a trip there. I’ve been there before but they’ve always been family trips. This was supposed to be a trip with no adult supervision (besides ourselves because although we rarely act like it, we are adults). Since Cousin2 is also at uni, we kept delaying the trip because she was just never free when I was free. So anyway, two weeks opened up for her and the two weeks were smack in the middle of two exams so I was fine (my mother is on to me so I can no longer conveniently forget about exams when planning trips).

And so we got our visas done and managed to arrange a 10-day holiday. Four days were to be spent with my father’s wife who lives in Thailand and the remainder of the holiday would be spent with my cousin. This post isn’t going to be a recap of the entire holiday but a few things that I sort of learned/realized/figured out during the holiday.

 Don’t depend on others

A couple of days before going on holiday, I wrote a post about things I wish I were and this included being a photographer or artist. I was in need of a cover for the magazine I work on and it had to be for Independence Day. I spoke to an artist and I didn’t have the money to pay him, so it didn’t work out.

Anyway, I was desperate and even though I only needed the cover by Monday of the next week and it was only Wednesday, I was leaving for the airport that night and didn’t want to not have a cover confirmed before leaving.

So while doing my yoga that morning, I started figuring out a way to get the cover done. I already had an idea in mind and realized that all I needed was a cardboard. I had paint and brushes at home and I could manage something.

And it turned out better than I expected. An actual artist could have done a much better job but whatever. And quite a few people said it was a nice cover and so that’s how I figured out that sometimes you needed to take matters into your own hands.

 Don’t be afraid

If we are close, you’ll know that I have very little self-esteem. I doubt myself so much and I hold myself back. My first trip alone was last year, when I had to travel to America (from Germany) all by myself and then back from America to Germany and Germany to Sri Lanka by myself.

This meant that the family saw me as qualified to accompany my cousin on her first trip abroad. And I deal with a lot of shit when I have to do such things. And this is fine when I’m alone because I can deal with my fears without anyone having to know about them. This time, there was someone depending on me. But we managed fine. And one of the reasons I didn’t freak out was because I knew my cousin needed me to be strong, or rather her parents had to know they could rely on me. And this helped me get through my fears of dealing with people and unknown places.

 Accept

I find it very difficult to accept love. I can’t accept that people like or love me. Even my parents. But something my cousin said to me made me see my relationship with my family from an outsider’s perspective.

We were all out shopping and my father’s wife (who’ll be referred to as AL from now on) kept asking my opinion about stuff she was buying for the house they were moving into later this month. My cousin said of this that she (AL, not my cousin- I mean, she loves me too, I guess) really did love me.

Now I suck when it comes to shopping for stuff but it meant a lot that AL was making me feel like I was part of the whole them moving to a new place deal. It made me accept what happened between my parents more than I did before.

I was okay of the divorce and had adapted to it. But I had always found it difficult to sort of accept AL as being part of my life now. And here’s the thing. I will never equate her to my mother. I will never ever thing what happened to my mother was fair. I will never think cheating is acceptable.

But I have accepted that AL is a part of my life. We get along. And I do care for her.

  Not everything goes the way they’re supposed to go

I thought the second half of the holiday would be all about cousin/girl time. But we were accompanied by the cousin’s friend for all of it and I don’t know… I was super bummed because gone were our gossip sessions. We couldn’t bitch about family or discuss our latest stories.

And I was pissed and hurt but I’m now seeing that not everything happens the way we expect them to. And it’s hard to accept such changes in plan but sometimes you have no choice. You just have to.

 Roller coaster fun

As I said in the second point, I’m a scaredy cat. There are so many things I’d love to do but I don’t because of what other people will think. Yes, I say you shouldn’t give a fuck about what people think but I’m merely human. I mean, I don’t care what strangers/society thinks but I do care about what family and friends will think.

 And so when we went to Dreamworld, I didn’t have many plans to go on any of the main roller coasters. But it just happened that I had more than an hour at the place with someone I didn’t really know. So my mind made a few calculations. He didn’t know me. He wouldn’t push me to do anything so I could actually do anything I wanted to. He wouldn’t laugh or make fun of me if I puked or backed out of anything.

And we ended up going on around four main rides I would have never gone on if I was with my cousins. And it was awesome.

  Expect the unexpected

My period cramp situation is a bit unpredictable. Some months are okay, some months aren’t. So I’m always prepared with painkillers. And I never plan holidays on days I know I’ll be on my period on. So we flew back on the early hours of Sunday and I knew I wouldn’t get my period for another week.

But I got my period the day I got back and because I packed in a hurry, I didn’t carry with me any of my painkillers or even any pads. So if my period was, say, 9 days early instead of 7, I would have been in some real trouble.

And so now I’ll always remember to be prepared for the unexpected. This means an extra set of clothes, painkillers, etc.

 Always have your escape at hand

I’m not someone who can be with the same people all day, for say even five consecutive days. This trip was ten days long, so by the sixth day, I was already tired. Thankfully, I had my notebook with me but my thoughts were too messed up for me to be able to write.

And so I now know that when I’m planning holidays, especially with other people, I need to tell them that I need a mid-holiday break from holidaying. It’s fine when I’m traveling with my father because he plans holidays in such a way that we get plenty of breaks/alone time.

But this holiday, the second half, at least, was chock full with stuff. It’s understandable, because it was a short holiday but by the time we came to SL, all I wanted was time to be by myself.

 Don’t judge so easily

While we were at the airport, waiting to leave for Sri Lanka, we saw that one of the cabin crew was a neighbor. Now this neighbor has a well…. There are quite a few stories about him. And I’m not talking about the stories about his sexual orientation because those I don’t give a fuck about. But there are stories about him associating with the ‘wrong kind of people.’ So when we saw him, we decided against talking to him for two reasons.

1.       We hadn’t heard the nicest things about him

2.       We were sure he wouldn’t know us. We were kids. He’s of my mother’s generation. How would he know us?

But because I don’t have the most common surname, he recognized us and spoke to us and was very nice. And I felt so ashamed for not wanting to talk to him at first. It was a shitty thing for me to have done but I’m glad he spoke to us. I’m glad we didn’t pretend to not recognize him.

And from now on, I will make a conscious effort to not think about all those stories about him when I see him anywhere.

 Be thankful

Thank you, Amma, for not being too hard on me when I spend time with Thathee or AL. Thank you for understanding that I can’t pick side. And that I’m not picking sides. Thank you for letting me have fun and enjoy the holiday.

Thank you, Thathee and AL, for the amazing holiday. Wish you could have been there too, Thathee, but it was awesome and I had so much of fun.

Thank you to both cousins, for everything…