#about this whole experience btw. any time i start to get stressed i think about him (gandalf big naturals) and it calms me down

[lotrmusical]

🐸

[dduane]

BTW… re: Smut

... off my comment to this post the other day...

I'm an entertainer. Writing's a form of entertainment. (And not just for the readership: for me, too.) To be aroused by art one's experienced is (almost by definition) to be entertained, I'd say. If someone's jerking off to my erotica, then all I can do is lean back in the typing chair, smile a bit, and think, Good! I got the job done. :)

(...with the tags: #and no I'm not going to let on where the smut is#why would i deny anyone the delights of the search#and of being repeatedly mistaken#while possibly finding smut writers who're better at it than i am#:) ...)

...and then noting (with affectionate amusement) some responses:

Well, troops, better get busy filling in that bingo box. 😄

Also: I have to say (while stressing that I absolutely appreciate the humor behind "shocked, shocked, scandalized...") that the dissonance is, temporally speaking, a bit ill-founded. Because while I may be best known for the Young Wizards works these days... by no means did they come first. This did.

A soft chuckle in the darkness. “Lorn, remember that first time we shared at your place?” “That was a long time ago.” “It seems that way.” “—and my father yelled up the stairs, ‘What are you dooooooooing?’ “—and you yelled back, ‘We’re fuckinnnnnnnnnnng!’” “—and it was quiet for so long—” “—and then he started laughing—” “Yeah.”

Granted, from the here-and-now POV of readers with access to the hot-'n'-spicy shipfic or PWP on AO3, this sort of thing (and the numerous other lights-often-off or dialogue-only sexytiems passages in the traditionally published Middle Kingdoms works) would be seen as pretty small beer: soft, non-edgy stuff. Yet in 1979 apparently there were those who found the sex and sexualities on display in The Door Into Fire arresting enough that the book got me nominated for the Astounding Award (for best new author in the field) two years in a row.

There's no question that the broadly inclusive tone set by the Middle Kingdoms books went on to affect and underlie the YW universe in very basic ways. (There've been some scholarly works written by academics who've picked up on this, so [much to my relief] this perception hasn't been just me imagining it.) But I'll grant you that those who don't know the MK novels wouldn't be in a position to make the connection. (shrug) This is just one of those things that comes of having a lot of fragmented readerships who don't know about each other... a side effect of having done a lot of different things during a career. I can also understand how not knowing about the MK works could leave people who know me only, or primarily, as someone writing for a younger readership, a little bit disoriented (or maybe concerned) when the issue of me writing openly sexual material rears its head. But that wouldn’t be a change of direction. It’d be, to some extent, more a return to form.

Anyway: I consider erotica—and its more casually-dressed (or undressed...) cousin, smut—to be perfectly legit forms of literary expression; ones that can soar to unexpected heights if you're willing to put in the work. The sexy-stuff-writing muscle requires periodic exercise if it's to remain viable and/or useful. So I exercise it. And being a 70-year-old person who sometimes creaks audibly when she walks has done absolutely nothing to decrease my interest in the subject—the brain being, after all, the biggest sex organ, and the one least vulnerable to the depredations of time. If anything, nearly fifty years of experience (and three and a half decades of marriage to @petermorwood) have added... let's just say nuance. 😏

Now this whole concept will doubtless horrify some of the "Eww, You're Too Old To Be Writing This Kind Of Thing, Go Get A (Home) Life" types. To which all I can say is, "...Well, good!" By and large, such folks are not my readers anyway. And as for any of them who are, and can't deal…? They need to understand that (pointing off to one side) those people over there—the various kinda-straight and pansexual and bisexual humans, and the gender-fluid fire elemental, and the otherly-gendered Dragon, and the mostly-gay ones enthusiastically shouting "We're fuckinnnng!" down the stairs—are Nita's and Kit's godparents. Without the members of that extremely mixed marriage and their increasingly extended family, there might be no Young Wizards series... not least because it was the splash made by the first of the Middle Kingdoms books that got the Errantryverse crowd in through a major publisher's door. And the series’s continued (modest but still noticeable) success through the second and third volumes kept the writing of new YW books going for a good long while.

...So. For those who may have had questions: HTH. 😀

(And now back to the unending search for a more graceful synonym for “testicles”.)

[anonymous-dentist]

sorry to bring up the qsmp admins situation (i don't know what else to call it) but imo, i think the qsmp will be like, 80% better after this. and not just from the whole admin perspective but also from the story perspective.

the biggest problem i had with the story was the lack of communication between the streamers and the admins (baghera and cellbit were forced to finish up their purgatory arc stories in about 2 hours with no warning beforehand. and thus we didn't get a stream with richas and pomme going to save them like we thought we would.) (pol and slime have basically been blacklisted from the server for ''lore'' preposes for about a month) (the whole egg going missing fiasco not having an outline/plan according to Lea) now that we know that the reason behind that was because of the higher ups not letting admins talk to the streamers (their co-workers btw)

i definitely think that the qsmp will come out better from this. even if it's a hard process now it's definitely going to be better after this. i'm actually pretty excited for the changes since there will most definitely be more communication between the teams and it will be a good change overall.

it's easy to look at the situation now and say ''qsmp is over'' or ''qsmp is never coming back from this'' but imo, this is a good thing from all perspectives :D as somebody who has been ''following'' q for some time, it's clear that he cares about this project and with the union and the french streamers' statements there is no way he's not going to intact the changes he said he would. i just think for now we need to be patient and hope for the best :)

feel free to delete this btw. this is just me rambling.

Nah, I completely agree with you. It’s absolutely horrible that these changes have had to be made in the first place, but the fact that they’re happening is a good sign that the server is going to bounce back.

One of the biggest problems with the server up to this point- and it’s a problem everybody’s been noticing since Purgatory started- has been a manufactured over reliance on the admins for any stories to be pushed forward. Like, the ccs stopped being able to have any impact on the story starting in October with the Mini-Me event changing overnight from a Cellbit-exclusive lore mission to a server mission that a lot of people were very unhappy with.

And then November happened, and Purgatory forcibly cut off so many individual stories, and admin lore streams started being the only way new discoveries were made. Cucurucho and Elena essentially replaced the roles of the players, and I can only imagine how stressful it would’ve been for the admins playing them to be streaming that whole time if they had no experience with streaming and were just told to do it “for the lore”. Like, that kind of sudden spotlight could NOT have been in the job description.

This change in approach to the lore? Bad, almost nobody liked it, borderline ruined the server for a majority of serious lore heads like me.

The server slowing down now and moving the focus back to the ccs- the people it should’ve been about this entire time!!!- is a REALLY GOOD MOVE! It’ll bring back people who left because of admin interference, it’ll make people more invested in the server because their povs of choice finally get to do stuff on the server. And, more importantly, it’ll allow the remaining rp admins to rest after they’ve been forced to carry the server on their backs for month with no warning. Preventing burnout on their part, and reigniting a passion for the server in both the ccs and the audience

[moondragon618]

So uh. I think I've decided that I want to be a little bit more open about some things on here bc honestly trying not to acknowledge it is just causing me a ton of unnecessary stress (and I'm sure as fuck not acknowledging it irl lmaooo) so yeah. So I'll start with this: I'm currently unemployed and living with my parents (mom and stepdad) and my younger but also adult brother (they all have some form of income but it's only just barely enough to get by). Now on its own the whole all of us living together thing should not be that big of a deal apparently according to what I've learned from hearing other ppl's experiences in similar situations. Unfortunately my parents do not think like this. My mom especially is convinced that we are literally ruining her life so y'know that's fun (:

Okay but seriously. I'm about to sound like I'm trying to downplay this (and maybe I am bc. Yk.) but like a good 80% or so of the time it's. Fine. We get along okay. But I know that's only bc we never acknowledge The Problems outside of the few bad days and we always just go on like those never even happened. And here's what I mean by bad days btw: ""Family Meetings"". Yeah that phrase is literally a fucking trigger for me now it's fucking bullshit. When I was younger it meant "me getting screamed at about how fucked up I am and how fucked I'll be in the "real world" and how I'm just "a soft spoiled little bitch bc I never got my ass beat" (like my brother. bc he's definitely fine and has no issues at all lmaooo) (and usually without the bitch part aside from once when I was a teenager) and now it's more "me getting screamed at by my mom abt how I'm ruining her life and her marriage" etc. etc. So yeah. My stepdad is a little better in that he only yelled at me one time when I was like 12 I think? And then never again. And he seems to at least understand that if screaming at still hasn't "fixed" me after 25 fucking years then it's probably not going to so yeah. And he did actually kind of stand up for me during the last one (in late September-ish) which I know isn't much but it's still way more than anyone else has done so I do appreciate it.

Anyway the last one was really fun (terrible) I got the usual + being told I being disrespectful for not coming out to the living room bc I was having a panic attack and quite literally frozen and unable to move 👍👍👍 And I've also been limited to just my phone since then bc my mom took my computer (bc god forbid we consider there might be a reason I'm on it so much) and still hasn't given it back and tbh I think I'd rather kms than ask for it back so that's fun too (:

I am aware that this is abusive behavior and that screaming at your child for any reason is in fact child abuse btw. It took me until very recently to come to terms with that even while knowing that (and I'm probably still not fully there tbh) but I know. It's that fucking generational trauma bullshit yk. My mom's side of the family is Fucked Up like her parents were terrible and their (mostly her dad's idk the other ones lol) parents. Yeah I'm not even comfortable talking about them right now that's like a whole other thing lmao. But yeah I know that doesn't even remotely make it okay.

And yeah like the day after shit like that happens we just never acknowledge it again until everyone's losing their shit again because nothing ever changes. Believe it or not being screamed at does not help me figure out how to navigate getting a source of income or how I'm supposed to do anything when we sure as fuck can't afford another vehicle or how I'm ever going to be able to afford my own place to live lmaooo. And I also literally cannot even talk to them about any of this without losing my ability to speak so that really doesn't help either (: I sure as fuck haven't tried calling out the bullshit either bc fuck that there's no fucking way that's going over well and I couldn't even if I wanted to (: (: (:

So I'm just kinda stuck here ig. It's really not too bad (most of the time). I'm not saying that to minimize or invalidate anything either I just want you all to know that it's not like super urgent or anything, I'm not in danger, my mental health isn't great obviously but I'm not at risk of hurting myself or suicide or anything. Promise <3 I'm a tenacious bastard sticking around out of pure spite and a desire to keep creating things if nothing else lmao :)

God this is kind of a trauma dump lmao but that about sums it up ig? I'm also very much open to advice if anyone has any <3

[mari-m-rose]

Life update (?)

Hi! It's been a while since I did one of these. I still remember about how writing these would make me feel better, whether they were read by someone or not. Still, thank you in advance to whomever reads this, I appreciate your care/curiosity towards me. Wishing you happiness and success from the bottom of my heart. So, what has been going on with me.

So many things it's overwhelming. Everyday is. Especially when I remember all that has happened in the past few years. Probably because it's been hard to process? Both the good and the bad, all it's hard to process. Not like I process stuff easily, the opposite in fact. Tbh I don't even remember much of what I did during 2019... was I still active here during 2018? Bearly right? I think I got a new job in 2019 which was a cool job, or so I used to think... I remember the beginning of 2020 because I was so fucking happy in January-February during 2020. I was enjoying myself at work, I had a stable relationship with my partner as usual, I was engaged and about to get my own apartment. I was excited about my life which is something that never happens to me xD. And well, before covxd happened I actually got hit by a car... It was at low speed but it still wasn't nice. Listen, never do what I did. If you get hit by a car and you realize you can walk, do not go straight to work by scooter. Actually report the person who did it, call in sick, go to the hospital. Try not to shut down and just go to work normally. Short story: by lunch I couldn't stand up from my seat. I actually almost cried when I had to at the end of the day to go home because it hurt like a bxtch. I sort of healed? Actually it has been 3 years and I still feel something in my leg ahaha. Never be like me, love yourself. Covxd exploded not much after I "healed" and it ruined all my plans. No wedding, no apartment, I actually had to quit my job cause my bosses got so toxic I got depressed like never before. I was now trapped more than ever at my parents' house and the hope of leaving it soon was almost non-existant. I know it was hard for everyone and I hope that you all ended up surviving it just fine. Thankfully on my end everyone survived even tho my dad was always at risk cause he was forced to go to work despite it all. Since I didn't go through any tragic event, I am fortunate enough to appreciate that at least I spent a lot of time with my parents and cat, very important since I wanted to leave the house the next year. I got married in 2021 even tho covxd was still around, risking it all. Naturally it was a small event because of it. I actually just wanted to move out. My parents are very old-fashioned and they were not gonna be happy, so to say, if I left before marriage. Thankfully my husband did want to marry me so it worked out, but was it stressing... I just suck at events like that but yeah I finally got married and moved out. And the most amazing time of my whole life began. It was honestly magical. I was so happy I felt like I was living an actual dream. The moments in my life at that time felt eternal in a good way, there was warmth and love, pure happiness. I didn't know life could be like that. My relationship with my family fixed really quick after I moved out. Now we get along fine and I'm very thankful I get to experience this before I imminently lose my parents to time. I'm a very fortunate person. But this happiness soon ended cause I'm...dummy? I'm mentally ill and I'm not used to being happy. So I started to get massive anxiety about some upcoming event ruining all my life. I still dread this, even tho it doesn't arrive yet. Something bad actually happened tho... I lost my cat in 2022. I...probably will never not miss her, she was the one who kept me sane at home for 16 years. My most beloved baby...I just hope she's around somewhere. Uhm let's try not to cry while I write this... Btw did I mention I'm still unemployed and very ashamed of it? I do housewifey things, I do help with family business and have commissions from time to time but most of the time I'm not that active. That also is eating me alive. My husband is very chill about it but I'm not happy with myself, tho I can feel like little by little I want to change this, ...I wish I wasn't that stressed about the idea of still working in graphic design. What happened in my past job was a bit like my last bit of energy for it...

I really want to like open a patreon or a youtube channel idk, I always say this but its hard to start.. Aside this anxiety I'm also currently without passion...without fandom, without OTP, without a spark that motivates me to draw. It has been annoying cause this is happening since like 3 years ago. I hate this fr. Being without an art community has been hard but you know what? Being in one was also hard. I had major fall offs with a lot of my friends. We either fought a lot and took our distances or were involved in disgusting drama, others really mistreated me till the point I ended up feeling I didn't want to make new friends ever again. I isolated myself, this ofc didn't help my "art block" or mental health. Now at 32 yo, how am I supposed to like engage in a fandom or art community? I geniuinly don't know how. Also it's full of kiddies. No offense towards you babies but, I'm a grown ass lady. I feel so much like I don't belong...BUT I still want to belong. Not with the teens ofc but.... is there any discord server for old ladies like me? If there's a quiet place for "art grandmas" xD, hit me up. I am opened up to hang out but also ngl, I'm so awkward. New discord server I join is like another one I will never speak in. Idk what to do tbh. I just want to be excited about a fandom or art again. Anyways thanks for reading this text about me. I hope you are doing fine. I also hope you enjoy my art, even tho I hardly update, I'm trying to do my best. I'm most active on instagram (mari_m_rose) and X (aka former twitter, same as ig). I still love sinja and remain somewhat knowledgable about Magi. So if u wanna send asks about anything related to those or myself, I will be happy to answer! Hugs and kissus.

[nerves-nebula]

was wonderinv who to ask then saw ur poston art school and went . yo!

anyway can i ask hows art school? like . is it worth it?? whats the experience and everything like + do u regret ur decision to go there? (dont feel forced to answer any of these) (for context + incase it wasn’t obvious ive been wanting and thinking of going to one if ever given the chance)

Oh man, where to start. Well first of all some of the main reasons to go to art school are the resources and the connections.

If you wanna get into furniture for example, that’s a lot easier if you have access to a whole workshop with tons of different saws. I’ve learned to use three different book binders as well as done hand binding myself, which is great fun for me but idk how I’ll make money out of that.

The thing is that depending on your major/department, a lot of the stuff you do in art school you could theoretically do on your own as well. So if you think you have enough willpower to make your own schedule and find your own resources then I’d say do that, and work on building your portfolio so you can show it off if you ever get the chance. especially if you don’t really have the money for college (I’m incredibly lucky to have someone help me cuz otherwise I’d be screwed)

If I’m honest, I didn’t really want to go to college at the time of me applying. I was kind of interested in learning how to wrap cars, and I wanted to take a course in that, if you can believe it. but all of my parents kids have to go to college no matter what (as in my mom forced me to apply to college and then sent me off like “I can’t help you pay for college btw good luck!”) so it was inevitable that I was going to go to an art school. which is fine because i've also always kind of wanted to go to a school, i was just stressed about not being able to afford it haha.

THEN there's what kind of art school you're going to. I'm at one of the most prestigious fine arts schools in the USA, because though I got admitted to others, I couldn't afford to go to others. the one I'm at offered the most money, because they could afford to. Idk what I'm gonna do with this degree but im in graphic design rn so I'll probably do something in that field. and it helps that the name of my school is renowned.

but if you, say, want to get into animation you're probably going to NEED to go to an art school. even if you cant get into an animation school specifically, any art school at all is better than none when it comes to animation (I think, idk for sure i'm not interested in animation as a job. my friend is tho so maybe I'll ask him)

now, HOW is art school? WELL. I've heard this isn't uncommon, but the first year was literally actual torture. it was really really bad. it made me more suicidal than I'd been since I was 12 and it ALSO made me start cutting for the first time ever. but I survived it, and the second year was way better! (if still stressful) the first year is for where they try to kill you, and the second year is where they go "haha just kidding ok lets get into what you want to know" at least that's how it is at where I am.

DESPITE the pain, and despite how even now I'm anxious about going back, I don't regret it at all. I really like my classmates and I love my professors. I love a lot of the work I've done and the skills I've learned. I liked living on campus and being so close to all that Art Stuff, even if i was too tired all the time to ever go out to any of the events.

plus on a more personal level, anywhere is better than living with my parents. so even if it was hellish the first year, i'm at least happy that i got things done and i wasn't wasting away at home with my mom.

hope that answers all your questions :)

[npdbubblygum]

Do you know if you could explain what narcissistic/ego injuries look like in NPD or in yourself? I’m wondering if they do exist and what they look like? Im asking you bc I know you post a lot of good content already and I’m trying to see what I relate to…

I can describe what they’re like for me personally! Other pwNPD feel free to add your experiences in the reblogs or replies

I’d say the feeling of the narc injury is a mix of disappointment, shame, anger, and anxiety. I have this picture of myself as someone who is Better than anything anyone could expect of a person and suddenly I am faced with the scenario that I’m not or that someone thinks I’m not and instead of being a normal little ouchie it kind of triggers my fight or flight response?

The way I experience them depends on how they happen

I’d say there are a few different stages: feeling stage; thought stage; verbal stage; action stage; post-verbal stage; and post-action stage. (They don’t necessarily happen in that order)

And a few different settings: alone; with people I don’t care what they think; with people I do care what they think; with people I care if they think negatively of me; with people I care if they think positively of me.

The narc injury happens for me when I in one of the stages realize that I didn’t reach my own standards or other people’s standards and how bad it gets depends a lot on which setting I’m in. I tend to instinctively get mad at other people for having standards in the first place as a way to avoid feelings of shame and anger towards myself

For example, if I get to the action stage and realize mid action that I did a cringe little dance in the privacy of my room I will feel a very mild narc injury and swear to take this secret to the grave so hard that I won’t even remember it myself.

Or I might feel excited about talking about a movie I like with someone and it hits me that they could disagree with me and before I have even started talking I feel unreasonably angry and defensive like I’m about to fight for my life my movie has to be interesting or I die and they’re just standing there not having any idea of the little war in my head but since I haven’t acted yet I can play it off like nothing is wrong and I am only mildly excited about this in an aloof “cool” way

Absolutely most mortifying is being in the post-action or post-verbal stage with company that I care about what they think (both positively and negatively at the same time) that is when someone has expressed not liking something you did or said and it has gone a little while and the moment has passed and you’re still sitting there absolutely screaming and dying inside because you were criticized and you can’t decide if you’re more mad at yourself for letting someone see you as a disappointment or at them for daring to look down at you like that (this is often perceived and not real btw) but you can’t bring it up again or you’d feel too vulnerable of course nothing could affect you emotionally ever..

If I get to use metaphors, it feels like a little bit of paint chips off your mask and suddenly it’s grotesque and ugly and all your flaws are on display and that is the absolute worst thing that could happen how could someone do that to you how could they how could they why would anyone do that to you??????!?!??!

It feels like an attack on your safety and sense of self and self worth

But often as I said it is often perceived not real and I am getting better at recognizing when I am way too deep in my own head and I have developed coping mechanisms to handle it and take things with nuance and be less paranoid

It is different from a crash in the sense that a narc injury is often smaller, specific, and can trigger a whole crash without being the crash itself

I often feel like I just want to poof everyone who has ever perceived me negatively out of existence because the stress of having them walk around capable of remembering cringe things about me haunts me

It’s a strange experience to be one who exaggerates my cringy weird parts to prove that they’re good and worthy and no one can bring me down, while at the same time hiding everything I can, I’m like shrödingers clown swinging violently back and forth between overcompensating with confidence and debilitating insecurity

That’s my experience!

[kingproteus]

What’s PMDD then?

Informational post by a post-hysto trans guy :) (btw terfs fuck off and burn in hell)

For me, PMDD was a circular pattern of my mood randomly going to shit, and pulling my life in after it. I’d then, for reasons unclear to me pre-diagnosis, have a few days (normally three or four) where I felt really good. I hadn’t noticed this circle followed my cycle for most of my early to late teens, because why would it? I’d never been told about PMDD, and all the uterus-havers in my family had the same issues I did.

I went through doctors, was cleared for bpd, borderline, asd, adhd, ibs, high blood pressure, and finally was settled into the “depression” and “anxiety without social anxiety” camps. Yay.

Of course, when I put the pieces together at 16 or so, it became clear to me that PMDD was the reason for this. The monthly times at which my life got shittier and shittier were placed before my period started, and evened out when I got my period, and went away a few days before my period ended. Then I had a few days of feeling good, a few days of feeling just okay, and then it was back to hell.

The first doctor I went to about my PMDD diagnosis immediately diagnosed me. She said it was obvious I had it. It was crazy, I had expected a fight over it.

This, of course, made getting on antidepressants a stupid hard task. I’d go on something and think it was working, but jokes on me that was just my PMDD letting up. Or I’d switch meds in a panic only to realize my extreme depression was my PMDD fucking me over.

In the end, I just got a laparoscopic hysterectomy with ovarian removal. I’m about two weeks post-op now, and I feel better than normal. I’m back to jogging and doing all my normal stuff. 10/10 surgery.

So… why the fuck does PMDD do this?

I’m obviously not an expert, just a sufferer, but the basic reason is my body freaks out when my hormones fluctuate. My body couldn’t figure out that my sex organs were doing a natural cyclical job, one they did every month. So my body went on high alert. People can have a mix of physical and emotional symptoms. Extreme depression, difficulty concentrating and remembering stuff, anxiety, insane back pain, some people even have worse vision.

When I got on T at 15, my symptoms were lessened by 50%. It HALVED my symptoms. It was a godsend. Seriously, I can’t stress what a good decision it was for me.

As it’s only been a few weeks for me, I can’t speak to how hysterectomy has effected me. I’ll definitely write some follow up posts about it all once I’ve gathered my thoughts.

The reason I post all this is because I’ve spent my whole fucking life, well, since I was 9 and got my first period, feeling like the only fucking trans guy with PMDD in the whole world. This shit was confusing, all the experts didn’t know what to do with me and my T levels, and I wasn’t welcome or comfortable in any PMDD-specific space.

It felt like shit, and I was lonely, and I literally only realized I had it 3 years ago.

Being a trans guy can already be an insanely lonely experience, but being a trans guy with a VERY uterus-specific problem even more so. But I’m done being embarrassed about it, or assuming people will use it to discredit my identity.

I’m just posting this because I want my account of it SOMEWHERE. Just to say that being a trans dude with PMDD is survivable, and normal, and fine. I’ve a good life and a great boyfriend and a kickass family. If my nine year old self could see me now he’d be amazed.

But yeah, shit gets better and PMDD can go fuck itself right beside my ovaries in the medical waste dumpster at the hospital.

[honnojis]

hello Zumi have you ever tried competitive Pokémon on smogon?

Nop, never really was my thing. I used to play on showdown, sure, but it'd usually be random battles or hackmons. Actual competitive play stressed me out a bit too much, and I had a really terrible experience when i tried getting into it a bit more by applying for a spot as a leader for an online league, so I've just never bothered since.

Shoutout to Bibs for being a homie w/ hackmons/random battles tho. that shit was fun and i miss it sometimes

For the drama bit, I'll just put it under the cut bc no one really needs to see a wall of text ab me getting salty about it again but wow i sure still think about it sometimes. this was all skype era shit btw, but it's arguably one of the very few things that literally had me seething, which is why I've never bothered with anything comp related since

Funnily enough, the drama wasn't even related to the actual competitive aspect of the whole league that I was supposed to be a part of -- it was bc someone on the league's board committee was awfully petty and two-faced LOL… All bc they didn't like I was potentially going to overshadow their work.

I actually knew them well before this. They were pretty friendly towards me at first, and they initially approached me because wanted to learn how to do pixel art better, so I taught them! They acted really grateful when I gave them advice, and hell, they even did some sprites for Rejuvenation at the time as it was at a time that I was extremely busy with school.

Now fast forward a bit, and a group of ppl from the same community set up an online Showdown league, with leaders for each type. That person was on the board committee, but some other members of the board committee were going behind their back in order to actually recruit me for the league as a leader. I passed the tryouts, and got into the group.

Kicker is, the reason why they went behind the person's back, is bc apparently That Person(TM) was absolutely adamant about not wanting me on the team!

The reason for that?

They didn't want me there so I couldn't get a chance to do any art for the league, because they were afraid they'd get overshadowed by me.

This sounds like bragging, and god i fucking WISH I was kidding in that regard, but I'm completely serious 💀 Apparently ANOTHER league wanted my assistance for sprites, but because That Person(TM) was already on the team, they started throwing a shitfit about how they absolutely could NOT work together with me without wanting to give a real reason, they just kept insisting that they absolutely couldn't. The chatlogs of these moments were sent to me after a group of ppl who were getting aggression aimed at them from the person.

I kinda pieced things together because they were sucking up to me for art advice until they learned what they needed, then I lost contact with them until I got drafted for the league, after which they just... Wanted to chew me out instead, lol. despite never having done anything to prompt such hatred. all i did was help and be nice. and after seeing the logs it kinda clicked in my head that that's what was going on.

funnily enough this all happened around the time they were sucking up to jan bc they were asked to do some work for rejuv, but that shit fell through real quick once jan got the logs of all the shit they've been saying lmao

A whole bunch of shit happened after that, but basically I left the league, some ppl left bc I left, other members got fed up w/ That Person(TM)'s shit and the whole league crumbled before it ever got the chance to take off LOL.

It's genuinely one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced that someone abused my trust in a person like that, only using me for my skills, and it actually gave me some trust issues for a few years whenever people asked me for art advice!

i had a whole document of bullshit that this person pulled. i still actually have it somewhere, and frankly i probably should just delete it at some point bc it has no use and i haven't seen this person around in a long time bc they basically got chased out of the community for being a shithead. in my defense for that document though, the fact that a person drove me to get so mad that i started collecting receipts on them kinda tells how hurt i got about this whole situation. to say they were an awful person not only just to me but to a lot of my friends as well is an understatement

[sparklingself]

Hi idk if u alr have ans qns like these but among all the blogs I follow I resonate more with the way you talk abt loa (states, imagination, etc.) & wanted to ask for your input/opinion abt free will, eiypo, etc.

I plan on manifesting a influencer who has lots of followers but this is something Im so confuse abt. Lets say I manifest him alr & we are in a r/s, is he jst mine in my reality? what abt in his reality is he dating someone else/or is single? then wht abt some other girls manifesting him? is he like cheating on me? 2 timing me? & lets say he introduces me as his gf to his followers does this means everyone even the ones that are manifesting him will know abt me or?

btw im sry if this was an overwhelming ask 😂😅 its cause I grew seeing my parents fight since my dad cheated on my mum & it literally made me create bad assumptions of men & also fucked up my mindset on relationships in gen (like being betrayed by friends, nvr feeling enough, etc.) which I am working on to change. But after coming across adam levine's cheating scandal I started getting triggered & confuse abt what the law meant abt free will, eiypo, etc.

I know that my assumptions are what reflect (whether is my assumptions on people or things) & that I am God but then I think abt how people are also God in their realities & have assumptions abt me & gosh im jst stressing for nothing 😅 sry for the long ask

you don't have to worry about anyone else's reality because you only experience your reality. you don't have access to anyone else's "reality". in your reality he is also experiencing a relationship, in your reality everyone knows and acknowledges your relationship. free will doesn't exist because everything and everyone is you. it's truly not something you should worry about. there is no objective reality. there is only your subjective reality. all those scenarios you thought about what actually may be happening are scenarios you've made up in YOUR head. it's a difficult concept to explain, but my point is that the whole world is you, no one has free will. the whole world is subjective. you being you, living your life through your subjective lens there is no way someone else is also the creator. in your subjective reality (which is the only thing you have access to) only you can be the creator. something beyond your reality doesn't exist. there is nothing beyond your reality because consciousness is the only reality. when i mean you're the creator then you also created all the people who exist. they're not objectively independent creatures, they're your creatures because they are God's creatures. other people being the gods of their reality is something you don't have access to. the only thing that exists to you is that you're the creator. for you, no one knows any other reality than what you have given them. you can't worry about someone else's reality because when you're doing so you're worrying about your own.

[donnerpartyofone]

I had a dream that I had gotten heavily into a (fictional) indie rock band with a lot of thoughtful, poignant lyrics about life and relationships and stuff. I was telling people, "I don't usually listen to anything like this, but this is so good, it's my new favorite thing!" In reality I haven't listened to anything like that in years.

I started removing myself from poignant, thoughtful music about life and relationships and stuff during and after my Very Abusive Relationship, which semi-permanently alienated me from most forms of sentimental, romantic media--ESPECIALLY media that romanticizes destructive obsessions and shitty behavior, which is practically all media as you may have immediately realized. That stuff used to be fun before I actually lived through it and realized that it's always about infantile egomania and that I actually hate people who have to hurt others in order to feel like they have the slightest shred of efficacy/value/relevance in their own narrow little lives (which is a surprising number of people btw). The /bad romance/ thing seems so monolithic, like the biggest most desirable thing in the world, until you get right up close with your nose to it and you realize it's made out of particle board and vinyl siding and it has to be that big to cast an obscuring shadow over a whole lot of adult babies (sorry, adult baby community, I actually don't mean you) who are hoping you won't notice how spineless and pathetic they are. Spending a few years with someone who made it his business to scare the shit out of me and try to ruin my life, fairly publicly, had the one-two punch of making me feel like I simply wasn't good enough to be in one of those dark and brooding romances because otherwise why would he try to convince me I was nothing--and conversely, leaving me totally disillusioned about dark and brooding romances because I had been up close and seen how the sausage was made and it's not remotely as exotic and delicious as people try to tell you it is. It's just off-brand baby food, left on the shelf long past its expiry.

Right after that was over another factor pulled me away from poignant, thoughtful music about life and relationships and stuff, which was working in an open-plan office next to the tech guy pool. Us sensitive, artistic nerds in the production department had a pretty high-stress job that required constant focus, and we were pretty much only ever noticed by the overlords if one of us screwed something up; we were constantly being monitored not just for poor performance, but for potential political incorrectness or any little thing that could be construed as an HR problem--and in the meantime, the tech guys were literally screaming misogynistic jokes and racial slurs and throwing shit at each other, sometimes hitting us or our computers, but the executives had this hypnosis telling them that tech guys are Valuable so everything they do is OK forever. One of my main coping mechanisms was to get heavily into metal and harsh noise: anything with a cathartically brutal wall-of-sound quality and no discernible lyrics to speak of, that prevented me from having to hear anyone around me or even think about other people and their emotions. This kind of music became a huge passion for me, so in a way it was a net positive experience.

Nowadays I don't have a lot of time for music, which seems crazy even to me, like I don't want to be one of those sociopaths who say they don't listen to music! I just have to spend a LOT of time watching movies, when I have time for A/V entertainment, and I don't drive or have a commute anymore, so that's pretty limiting. When I do have time for music, it's a weird 7-10 split of trashy hype dance music like Atari Teenage Riot or Rob Zombie (or other things I'm too embarrassed to mention atm) to burn off my anxiety and give me a temporary ego boost that I can feel ashamed of later, and on the other hand, really heady, long ambient or experimental compositions, preferably with no vox. I think I'd like to get more into jazz and classical music and I occasionally go down a youtube rabbit hole that I really enjoy, but not much sticks because it turns into information overload and I get distracted.

Sometimes for whatever neurotic reason I have this allergic reaction to our collective preciousness about Human Drama, like why don't we have anything better to think about? There's some Herzog quote, I won't know how to find it, where he wonders why people always make movies about interpersonal problems, why not the drama of insect life, of cellular activities, of geological metamorphosis? And I really feel that way, often. But for some reason I am now dreaming that I've found some thoughtful, poignant indie rock band with lyrics about life and relationships and stuff that I cannot get enough of and I'm telling the world. I wonder what shifted to make me imagine that.

[scoops404]

hey

i read the last chapter of just ome touch and now i judt finished rereading the whole thing and oh my god, I've got things to say. first of all.. THANK YOU!!! this was everything i wanted and needed in a fic and you wrote it so perfectly and used the concept so well and just!!! so so good!!! i loved the ending. so many times a fic ends right after they get together and I'm always so unsatisfied because i want to know more, yknow? like just tiny things if ciera and hartley make it or how other people react or stuff like that and the way you finished it off with like the narrating what happens and it was just perfect!! also your writing style is so nice to read and just the last sentence "it's a nice ring" toes it together so well because there's still a future for them but also not as abrupt yknow? also dream would 100% try to propose at someone's wedding just because it made him so emotional and mushy like i can see that!! your writing feels really authentic and in my opinion you characterise them so well. I've read george pov so often were it just felt so wrong but your george and his thoughts and emotions felt so real. the way you portrayed the other characters also really stuck with me because it didn't feel like you just used them for the plot or anything but made them feel alive and and real. larray for example. (i think you mentioned how you were uncertain about his characterisation but it was incredible imo!!

i said it before i think bit the sentence "an man can dream but a man can't have dream" made me pause again completely. like i read it and then just sat there staring into the void.

georges journey meant a lot to me. the struggle of 'i'm straight because what else would i be, i just did things with the other sex even tho i never really enjoyed it' to 'making experiences that confuse you completely' to 'choosing the most logical label (i love dthe way you said that btw, like him doing maths of not being attracted to any women but to dream and dream is a man so he must be gay)' to 'total disaster confusion' to 'there's something that actually feels right and describes who i am' you really nailed that i think. i think this exact journey is so personal and familiar for lots of queer folks and I'm most likely not the only one that can identify with that a lot.

last but not least, thank you from a personal note. usually i avoid reading unfinished fics at all cost because a) I'm too scared that it won't get finished and b) my brain is a sieve and i just can't remember stuff for the life of me. but your fic intrigued me so much that i did follow the weekly updates and boy, did some things happen during that time. i graduated, went on vacation, moved two times and started my new job and you and your fic stayed with me during that and it was always a little highlight during all that uncertainty and stress.

hqve some flowers 💐 and chocolate 🍫 and a cat 🐈‍⬛ because cats are cute and yeah, i really appreciate you and your writing <3 !!!

I've been sitting on this ask 1) because i love it so much and it's so nice and 2) because it has some spoilers and I wanted to wait a little bit before blasting them everything

THANK YOU omg thank you for saying such nice things!

Everyone's journey is so personal and unique. I still have trouble to this day explaining that one night stands don't do anything for me. They just make me uncomfortable and for a long time I had no idea why since everyone else in college seemed to be fine with it

If it helps at all watching a character go through something similar, then i can die happy lol

I can't believe so many things happened while this was coming out and all I did was drive across the city a few times and go to my parents' neighborhood pool

Lucky you, experiencing life!

Thanks for reading along as the chapters dropped and thank you for such a sweet ask :DDD

[secretlyshadowymoon]

PAC - LOVE MESSAGES FROM YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE

These are intended for entertainment purposes only.

Astra note: These are done based only on intuition

PILE 1 - SNAPDRAGON BOUQUET

PILE 2 - PLUMERIA BOUQUET

PILE 3 - CARNATION BOUQUET

PILE 4 - ORCHIDS BOUQUET

PILE 1 - SNAPDRAGON BOUQUET

Never have I ever known a love so precious that I'd sell my whole world just to keep you next to me.

I am not appeal to you the way I might appear to be right now but trust me. I am getting there.

I will forever remember the way I touched your curly hair.

It is who who gave me a reason to wake up every morning.

I love to wake up with the smell of the food you cook for me.

Never will I think about them again. (I think this is some sort of an ex they are talking about)

Woah This pile was really beautiful. I think your fs could be a person who is quite young. They might be starting their career or still studying. They are definitely the type to think about long term relationships. The whole message that I channeled was pretty domestic. They could be a person who gets unmotivated very soon. At this point in their life, I think they are using you as their motivation to get through everyday. Some of them could have just gotten out of a relationship so they might be still stuck on to their past person. They are working on their career and studies right now.

PILE 2 - PLUMERIA BOUQUET

Will I ever meet you? I don't think you exist at all.

I am just a small person staring into the skies in search of you.

Were you ever there? Even if you did would be mine?

Don't think that I would never not love you. (this message was channeled exactly like this)

My life is dark without you, my moon.

Love is forever but are you?

Good things are coming is something that people tell me but when is that?

A very sad energy from this pile for some reason. My laptop went into battery saver while writing for this pile and my screen is dark right now. I think your fs is very melancholy right now. For some reason they can't find motivation to do anything. They are even questioning you existence. I think there is a bit of divine timing involved in this relationship that might cause them to be a little impatient. They might be stressed right now due to some other things and could be overthinking. They might be going through some issues with their family right now which might be causing them to think about moving away to start at a new place.

PILE 3 - CARNATION BOUQUET

You are the Light of my life. Did I ever tell you that?

My internet is 4G but my heart is 4U (This pile is giggly and flirty lol)

You know that I like you don't you ^smirks^

Hey, did I tell you how my smile is because of you?

Do you ever think that how much you could love a person that without them you just can't imagine your life?

Why don't you look at me when I am looking at you? Are you that shy to meet my eyes? ;)

Gimme me a kith

Honestly this pile, though. I can't stop smiling while writing this one. You've got one flirty mf here (pardon my language but I had to let it out) I think this is an Introvert meets Extrovert pile. Your fs is really confident and charismatic. Might be the player kind. I see them being very contented in their life right now. They are going through a really happy time in their life where everything is working out for them. They might be someone who sees the world through rose colored glasses. Artistic type. Very flirty energy coming through. They might be actually be open and are probably looking forward to some kind of dating experience.

PILE 4 - ORCHIDS BOUQUET

Hey beautiful. Wait I said it to you already? Nevermind I'll say it again.

You have beautiful feet (Istg this is not what I expected asdfgnhmj btw I don't get it in any 18+ way but I think this person just genuinely likes your feet. Halp TT)

Where are you goingggg? Don't leave me.

You are so cute that I'll put in my bag and take you everywhere and still keep you safe.

Did you say that the view was beautiful? You are more beautiful in my eyes.

Never will I ever find a sight much prettier and gorgeous than you smiling at me.

Love the way your eyes lit up when you see me.

A very cute pile. I think you fs might love the way you look. There is an insane amount of physical attraction here. They find you very beautiful in a very pure sense. For my astrology folks, Not the mars kind of thing but more of a Venus-Neptune kind of attraction. They find you very beautiful. The word beautiful keeps coming back into the messages again and again. Another pile that is very young. If you guys feel a little attracted towards pile 1 do check it out. You fs could be starting new. They might have just moved out or started up their business. Btw you guys have gorgeous eyes? This pile also seems a little reckless. You guys might be the outspoken ones.

[luv-minkookie]

Love Jikook <3

This whole post is for Goldy from NightswithKookmin! 

Hi! I just found your blog and had to reactivate my account just to send you this message. I love you so much! I am a new Army, I listen to their music for years but didn't really spend time to look them up or learn ab them at all. I thought I grew out of my fangirl phase already since 2010 after the breakup of TVXQ. Then I went to their PTD concert in LA and the rest is history. After watching their clips, I feel like my fangirl heart was healing, I went through so much heartache after TVXQ breakup, I still supported them after that but it just wasn’t the same. BTS’s bond is what makes me an Army but Jimin is the one that makes me become obsessed. Jimin is just so full of love and even though it might be just his idol persona, he must be a very loving person when the members said they went to him when they were down. When I look at his smile, my day just become better. Naturally, after watching a lot of their clips (all on tiktok btw), I saw those shippers videos. The first couple I saw was VMin and I love their friendship and bond as it reminded me of how it was with my best friend when we were much younger. Then I saw Jikook! My world is not the same after that I swear. I’m in my 30s, married and had my fair share of love experience, but I still melt watching Jikook. My fangirl mode is fully activated and I feel like I’m a teenager again lol. I am not a newbie to Kpop and shipping culture, so when I saw VMin, I love it but didn’t fall in love with the couple. But Jikook, I’m in love! What sold it for me is the way he looks at Jimin. When I look at just Jimin, I get confused because he’s so loving and caring to everyone. But when I look at Jungkook, his eyes are sparkling when he looks at Jimin. I watched so many tiktok videos and it started to get repeated, then I went on Youtube, ran out of things to watch so I google Jikook to find blogs or forum, I found your blog and I have stayed up 2 nights in a row to read them (only until Jan 2021 right now). I’m not an observant person and not good with words but when I read your pov, it open up my mind and I felt like you could read my soul. I have never seen an analysis put aside all the skinship and just look at them at the core, so raw and real and I just can’t stop reading. Skinship really does clouds people’s eyes and once you look past that, I see all the things you said and in love even more with them. I am bi and I was not brave enough to ever be with a girl, with my parents being so strict and the environment I grew up in. I was always that good child that my parents never have to worry about. But now, my sis is dating a girl even though she was straight until she met that person. I support her and her relationship but we have agreed not to ever let my parents find out. They are in their 60s and I don’t think they could handle it well. It’s a good thing we live in different countries but I still get stressed for her when I think about the future. Imagine the immense pressure Jikook is under, they are not only living in a homophobic country, they are idols. And idols are heavily scrutinized, it wouldn’t be as bad if they are soloist, actors, or in any other field besides being an idol. After watching your pov, I can see a clearer picture now and I understand why you are an alt shipper. Tbh I had no idea about that term btw, before that I guess I would be considered a conventional shipper, as in I ship Jimin with everyone and I just want to see him happy regardless of whom he is with even though Jikook is my soft spot. Now, I have fallen down the rabbit hole that is Jikook and I will happily stay here until proven otherwise. Thank you so much and please keep the posts coming! Borahae!

[goldandlights]

Shinsou and Todoroki bonding over a shared love for cats 🥺

Maybe Shouto always wanted one but Endeavour would neither tolerate animals living in the house nor any other distractions to Shoutos training (such as going to a cat cafe)

(Homeschooled!Shouto who pretty much never left the house and has 0 outside experience is my jam)

For Hitoshi, one of his early foster families had a cat but that's almost 7 years ago. He fully expected to have to wait until he's of age to get one but then his adopted by Erasermic and they have not only one but Four! Whole! Cats!

Imagine Hitoshi inviting Shouto over on an impulse when the other boy tells him he never really got to pet a cat before. Shouto agrees and Hitoshi has to work hard to hide his giddy excitement.

He's never had a friend come over to his place before and !!! fuck he'll get to spend time with his crush after school and outside of the dorms! That's huge!!

... ofc some half our later, Hitoshi's anxiety kicks in and the happiness becomes spiraling panic

I could see him blowing up the Aizawa-Yamada GC because holy shit he just invited Todoroki over and that's gonna not only out his dads as gay but also expose their marriage to the schools resident conspiracy theorist -not that Hitoshi thinks Shouto couldn't keep a secret but still

They never talked about this and Todoroki is one of Aizawa's students, too. Toshi doesn't want to make his dads stressed or uncomfortable ;_;

It's chill though, obviously.

Aizawa vouches for Shouto being a good, trustworthy kid and tells Hitoshi to bring him over whenever. When Hitoshi thanks him (profusely), he sends a single ":)" and then

"You should be much more worried about us meeting him than the other way around."

Which Hitoshi does not understand until Hizashi comes online and immediately starts complimenting Hitoshi for FINALLY having the guts to do something about his crush. Hizashi is just so proud of his darling little listener... and btw there are condoms in a box under the sink.

Hitoshi leaves the group chat.

Aizawa adds him back in.

[rainieclown]

DEADLY OBSESSION

michael myers x reader - chapter one: new neighbours

you've been in the haddonfield memorial hospital for what felt like forever with ptsd from a robbery gone wrong when a new patient gets thrown in next to you. he's quiet, perfect company if it weren't for the high security around him.

tags: medication, hospital settings, this is before michael gets out of the hospital, orphan! reader btw, it's spoken about more in detail in the fic, michael being a mute for a while, he does speak in this tho, smut, first times, michael being inexperienced, creampie, biting/marking, big dick michael energy, hymen ripping btw

warnings: ptsd themes, therapy, mentions of murder and depression, eventual smut, loss of virginity, mild blood, slight breeding kink on michael's end

a quick note!

if anything related to the ptsd the reader experiences is incorrect/wrong please let me know so i can correct it and learn! i am researching this so i can to write it with the accuracy it deserves<3

three sharp knocks wake you from your nightmare, you sigh at the sight of the ceiling of your hospital room. bland, the room is so incredibly bland. "y/n, medication time!" the nurse that takes main care for you chirps happily through the door, and you let out a wheeze as you sit up and pull on a shirt. "coming." you say, voice monotone and small. opening the door, you see the nurse with a tray, but what does capture your eye is the guards standing by a door nearby. "miss burnham, what's going on there?" you quirk a brow, taking your sertraline from miss burnham as well as the glass of water. "oh it's just a new patient, don't worry." the nurse brushes your question off with a kind smile as she takes the now empty glass back. "come on, breakfast then art therapy!" she beams, gesturing for you to follow her. you glance at the door again, before leaving with miss burnham.

breakfast is bland too, no sugar in the porridge, no fruit, no juice. it's so distastefully bland that you want to push it away but you don't want to get told off for not eating by mrs finch who was the more strict nurse that worked on supervision in the more social places, most of the time anyway. miss burnham sits across from you, reading over your schedule from her clipboard. "so, after art therapy is your free period, what do you want to do then?" she asks, looking up at you. "can we watch a movie with the others?" you ask softly, and miss burnham's eyes brighten. "you want to socialise today?" she beams and you sigh, taking a sip of water. "sure." you say softly, glancing around the cafeteria. "that's amazing, that will make outstanding progress!" she smiles, resting her cold hand on yours but pulls away when you flinch. "sorry, i forget." she says softly, but you sigh. "it's alright." you say, spotting a scruffy teen who looked to be the same age as you being directed to an empty table.

miss burnham hums and turns to see what you're looking at. "oh, that's mr myers, he's your new neighbour." she says when she turns back to you. "he looks interesting." you say, observing the cuffs on his wrist. myers plops down at the table, ignoring the bowl they put in front of him. "hmm, stay away from him. he seems to be under high security." miss burnham says, turning back to look at myers. the boy's eyes flicker to yours and your breath hitches, a sense of mild panic rising in your throat. "if you're done, we can go to the yellow room to do some painting with doctor piers." burnham says softly, pulling your attention back to her. "sure.." you mumble, and follow her out the door, past myers who watches you the whole way.

doctor piers is a happy man who greets you loudly. you don't like his suffocating energy, so miss burnham sits you down in your quiet corner and gives you your sketchbook. you sit quietly and draw things from your childhood, things that make you happy, all while miss burnham actually colours in a colouring page with the pencils you use. you felt peaceful with her by your side, she was like your big sister considering she was close to your age. "ooh, i like him." miss burnham smiles, tapping her nail next to the rough sketch of snufkin from the moomins. "thanks..." you reply quietly, letting the nurse push the pencils to you so you can colour him in.

for once, you don't feel alone... don't feel isolated with your thoughts and bad memories. miss burnham is your safe place, your new family. "so, y/n. are you interested in anyone in particular that you want to befriend?" miss burnham asks, the scratching of her pencil on paper stopping as she leans forward as if the two of you were gossiping about crushes. "not really... just think it's good to try and ease myself back into being around people other than you." you shrug, putting the green pencil down to pick up a yellow one. "that's still good. do you want to try and finish the drawing of him." she asks, flipping the page carefully to the recreation of that fateful night. your breath hitches as you stare at the charcoal drawing of the man standing over your mother. "what else do you remember, if there's anything else?" burnham asks, watching you carefully.

it comes back in waves, it was supposed to be a robbery, your family was in the wrong place at the wrong time, the blood spatter, the ornament that was used as a weapon dripping with the red substance. tears fill your eyes as you let out a shuddery breath. "no." you say firmly, wanting to push the book away. "are you sure, you haven't drawn any facial features for him.. it will help the investigation a lot." your nurse reminds you, and your hand tightens on the pencil. "i don't want to!" you snap, getting up abruptly, chair screeching back. "okay, okay. deep breaths." burnham stands too, fighting the urge to gently rub your arm soothingly. "i don't want to think about it." you hiss, storming off. nurse burnham calls after you, and doctor piers looks up to see you making a run for it. "y/n, wait!" he tries, but you swerve him and run out the door.

nurse burnham can't keep up in her high heels, and you outrun her easily, making your way to your room after losing her. you're alone again, and you catch sight of myers, sat in his room just as alone as you are. the guard is talking to doctor loomis, a man who gives you the creeps. seeing an opportunity to get past, you slip into your room quickly, once again isolating yourself. in his own room, michael had spotted you through the glass on his door, and he walks up, peering into your room as best he can. "hey! back up, myers." the guard bangs his door, now without loomis's presence, but michael doesn't move. he's unfazed by the guard's aggressive nature. the noise spooked you, you looked like a deer in headlights as you stare back at him.

you seem... disturbed by something, and that upsets michael. the feeling in his chest, to grab you and hide you from the world grows at the look in your eye. michael's hand finds the door, and he yoinks it open once the guard unlocked it in an attempt to push him back into his cell. "hey! what're you-?" he cuts the guard off, knocking the man out easily. his body hits the floor as michael opens your door easily. you gasp, back hitting the corner of your wall as you tried to make yourself as small as possible. "please, don't hurt me! i didn't do anything!" you yell, and michael shakes his head as he closes your door. "leave me alone." you repeat the three words like a prayer, voice quieter as your hands grip your hair with stress. "i'm not going to hurt you." michael rasps painfully, shocked at how deep his voice had gotten in comparison to the last time he spoke.

his words don't seem to get through to you, and he grows mildly annoyed. eventually, michael sits next to you and pulls you into a tight hug, hoping it would help as he had no idea what to do. you yelp in surprise, breathing slowing with confusion as you look up at the brunette with furrowed brows. "i-.. what..?" you stumble for words, but michael doesn't say anything, his empty eyes observing you. "thank you..." you mumble, once you calm down, and michael nods. "what's your name..?" you ask quietly, and michael continues to stare before answering.

"michael." he rasps, pointing at himself. "nice to meet you, michael. i'm y/n." you reply, eyes averting from his anxiously. michael sits with you as you start thinking. more intrusive thoughts break in, and you can't help the small whimper that escapes you as you rub your forehead. michael tilts his head, observing you. "sorry... it's just..." you sigh trying to find an explanation that didn't include what you thought of. "do you ever get intrusive thoughts?" you ask, finally looking at michael. the other teen nods, and you deflate with relief, he'd understand you. "they suck, don't they?" you chuckle half-heartedly, and michael shrugs. "oh, do they not bother you as much?"

he doesn't reply, and you nod slightly. "want me to show you around? i need to take my mind of things." you suggest, getting up and looking at the boy on your floor. michael seems to think for a moment before nodding and following you. you step over the guard carefully, and gesture for michael to follow you. the click-clacking of heels makes you grab the other teen's hand as you pull him around a corner. "shh! they'll be looking for me." you can't help but smile at the make-shift game of cat and mouse. it's been a while since you got to play games. michael blinks at you, letting you lead him around. "this is the rec room, it's the best room here. if you have a free period this is the best place to go. they let you watch anything they have." you smile, creaking the door open carefully.

doctor addison spots you and rushes over. "nurse burnham is looking for you." he whisper yells and you nod. "i'm showing the new guy around so shh!" you say, putting a finger up to your mouth. "it's good to see you getting out of your comfort zone. if i see her i'll tell her you're helping doctor loomis." he winks, and you smile slightly. "thanks addison." you say, pulling michael away from the room. "who's that?" michael's deep voice makes you jump. "oh, doctor addison? he's so cool, he'll give you snacks for after hours." you smile up at him, and michael notes the personality of the doctor. easy target to begin with. "you've seen the cafeteria so let's go to the gardens next." you say, peering around a corner carefully before ducking back, your back bumping into michael's chest. "my nurse is coming, quick, we can hide in here!" you whisper yell, pulling michael into doctor addison's office.

you close the door carefully, and michael observes the room. the decor is very vintage yet comfy, it suits the doctor quite well. you press your ear to the door carefully, listening as miss burnham speaks to doctor addison. you gasp as michael pulls you from the door, hand grasping your wrist. "are you alright?" you ask carefully, looking up at the brunette who didn't seem bothered. he shrugs, simply holding you near to him. your presence stirred something in him, and he didn't know if he should kill you or hold you closer. michael spots a candle stick, and his eyes dart from it to you.

michael lets out a silent breath as he decides on the latter, tugging you into his chest. your breath hitches as you hit his large frame, and your eyes come back to him. craning his head down, michael buries his face into the crook of your neck. you make a small noise, unsure of what to do as he takes in your scent. "uh... michael?" you furrow your brows, hands raised awkwardly as you didn't know where to put them. "shh." he hushes you, hands finding your hips. "what are you-?" your question is cut off by his lips grazing your neck, and it all clicks into place.

your body froze up, michael made a silent note of this. "i- uh.." you stammer as he continues to kiss your neck. "fuck, michael. we shouldn't do this." you say softly, glancing to the door. michael hushes you as his teeth nip your skin, he was testing the waters with you. your knees felt weak as your eyes fluttered shut. it had been so long since you had got to do anything like this, since you got to feel like a teenager. your hand find's michael's fluffy hair as you move his head closer to you.

taking the small success, michael sinks his teeth into your neck fully. the feelings in his chest explode as he finally marks you, suckling the dark bruise onto your skin. you whimper at the feeling, your other hand resting on his chest. eventually, his lips move again, and they find your jaw. you hum, letting him press closer to you as his lips kiss up your your own. when your lips meet, michael's inexperience really shows, he doesn't really know what to do so you take the lead.

eventually, his lips copy your movement as his hands tighten on your hips. you hum into his mouth, fingers gently stroking his scalp as you tilt your head to deepen the kiss. it felt right, and you didn't know why. eventually, when michael pulls away, you gaze into his eyes and notice the scar over his right one. "oh, what happened?" you ask, fingertips gently grazing over the scar on his eyes. upon closer look, his iris was paler than the other, and you guessed his vision was poor from the one eye. you're not able to get a closer look as michael kisses you again. you hands cup his face as you melt into him, lips moving against his fluently. michael moves with you, and you gasp as your lower back hits the desk in the room. the other teen's strong hands lift you and plop you down so you're sitting on the hard wood of the table.

your arms wrap around michael's neck to kiss him again, and he's happy that you're slowly beginning to show interest in him. you make a small noise as michael pulls your legs around his waist, standing between them with his pelvis pressing against yours. teasingly, you shuffle your hips against him as you kiss him again. michael growls softly, grinding into you as he grasps your thighs roughly to stop your movements. "i've never done this before." you admit, keeping him close as he hums. "me neither." he shrugs, kissing you again. you feel eased by michael's lack of experience, it felt like the two of you were experimenting together and that comforts you.

eventually, michael's fingers find the waistband of your pants and you whimper as he tugs them down easily. "no underwear?" he chuckles softly, and your cheeks heat up. "some of us don't have that luxury." you mumble, averting his gaze. "it's fine." he shrugs, fingers brushing over your slit. you gasp at the feeling of him spreading you open, and can't help but move your hips against his digits. his middle finger teases your wet hole, and you whine when he collects some of it to bring into his mouth. you feel slightly embarrassed as he suckles your pleasure off his finger with no shame before moving his hand back down to rub his fingers over your slit again.

your smaller hand finds his, and you guide his fingers to your clit with a small moan. catching your meaning, michael's rough fingers start rubbing small circles over your bud. you gasp, back arching into him as his fingertips stimulate you. "fuck, michael!" you whimper, hands grasping his shirt to pull him closer. he hums at your words, moving so his thumb abused your clit whilst his fingers slowly pushed your hole open. you whine as his fingers press into you, your hymen stretching uncomfortably. "michael, please- i need you." you whimper, letting him lay you back on the desk. removing his hand from you, he pulls down his own pants, erection springing free.

you freeze slightly at his size, unsure if he'll fit. michael notes your uneasiness as rubs your outer thighs softly. you smile nervously as his tip rubs against your cunt, your hands grasping his anxiously as he slowly pushes into you. you wail as his cock rips your hymen, and michael smiles as your blood slowly smears his cock. "it hurts!" you whimper, grabbing his arms tightly with discomfort. michael shushes you, and gives you small kisses until you stop whining. once you've settled around the intrusion and your pussy adjusts to his dick, you give him the nod to say that you're ready. michael slowly pushes in so that he's fully sheathed before pulling out half way. you whimper at the feeling, pleasure slowly overtaking the dull pain you still felt.

eventually, michael finds a medium pace in you, smiling as his cock bobs through the skin of your stomach. you whimper, holding michael's arms even tighter as he fucks into you. "oh fuck..!" you yelp as his tip protrudes from your abdomen. "sh." he replies quickly as your back arches off the table. "fuck, michael- oh!" you press your hand over your mouth to muffle your moans as he speeds up. eventually, his hand moves and starts rubbing fast circles on your clit. you gasp and keen loudly behind your palm as your thighs tremble around his hips. michael grips the flesh of your outer thighs tightly as he adjusts your legs towards you at an awkward angle. despite the weird position, you moan loudly as his cock pushes deeper into you, his tip kissing your womb.

michael hums at the feeling as his hand gets tired of stimulating you, so as a substitute, he brings his hand down onto your swollen bud harshly. you wail at the sting of his slap, pleasure rolling through your body. taking that as a good sign, michael waits before slapping your clit again harder. unexpectedly, you cum on his cock as you shudder and tremble under him. your cunt squeezes michael's cock tightly, preventing him from moving. the way your gummy walls grip him as you twitch around him is too much, so michael pushes into your womb so his cum filled you up.

you gasp at the feeling of his hot seed spilling into you, and michael seems to be loving it because when you come down from your high and loosen around him slightly, he's fucking his cum into you. you can't help but let out a small noise with every thrust, whimpering when michael stops, satisfied with how deep his cum had gone. your womb drinks up his seed nicely as you let michael grab your hands to pull you up into a sitting position. slumping against him, you nuzzle into his chest, your eyes becoming droopy with exhaustion. he grins at your sated state, pulling your pants up for you. once he is dressed as well, he picks you up carefully to bring you back to your room to rest.

michael ignores the nurses who try to stop him, marching past them as he carries your sleepy form to his room instead. he didn't know much, but he did know that only armed guards as well as doctor loomis were only allowed in his room for safety reasons and it was his best bet of keeping you with him. carefully opening his door, he closes it behind him with his foot and watches as the nurses stand anxiously peering through the window. he puts you down carefully on his bed, letting you settle as he sits down. his eyes find the nurses, one of them had left, probably to get security or doctor loomis. rolling his eyes, michael moves his attention back to you. you had already dozed off, and michael looks down to your stomach. the idea of you being swollen with his child excites him, a true marking. however, his hatred for children conflicts that, and he feels slightly frustrated.

three sharp knocks on the door can be heard, and michael lazily looks back over. doctor loomis is standing there, and he looks furious, but michael will stand his ground for you.