#actually though as someone who has read 3 books by him john is obsessed with peoples habits and rituals big and small

[againstpollutions]

most mountain goats songs are time loops. some of them are brief stolen moments of singularity (like san bernadino and snow owl, quiet irreplaceable wonder), but mostly they're time loops and the characters are stuck. sometimes they know they're in a time loop, sometimes they suspect they're in a time loop, sometimes they're actively trying to get out, sometimes they've made peace with the loop, and sometimes they have no idea they're in a time loop and they never will. I'm being so serious btw

[crazy-loca-blog]

Disclaimer: Please note I’m neither a psychologist, nor a psychiatrist nor an expert in mental health. Everything I’m writing here is based on some reading I’m currently doing on this topic and on some personal experiences.

Even though I’m really, really happy and my heart is exploding because most of the LIs FINALLY stopped treating our MC as a friend and began to treat them publicly as a significant other (because you’ve deserved it for a long, long time guys!), I know that those people who are romancing Ethan are actually hurt and mad because he seems to be pushing our MC away AGAIN. But what if I told you I’m beginning to see this as canon for him? Like he’s actually not pushing the MC away because he wants to but because he is showing a part of his personality or something that is a result of his experiences as a kid instead?

A few days ago, I found a psychology article about attachment and how self-sufficiency can be very negative when taken to the extreme. For some reason, the article really stuck with me because I had never heard something like that and because I might have felt that some of the stuff on it represented me, to the point that I talked to some psychologist friends because I wanted to know more about it. And after reading the latest Open Heart chapter, I couldn’t stop wondering “what if this is the actual reason why Ethan seems to be pushing the MC away? What if he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing?”

These are some excerpts from the article (the original one is in Spanish):

“Being excessively independent and self-sufficient is a sign of having suffered great disappointments, to the point that we feel that we cannot trust anyone but ourselves.”

Sounds familiar? Another one:

“[…] when we show ourselves to be hyper-independent -and we don’t resort to the help of third parties- we are actually revealing something deeper. Some defense mechanism to protect us against the eventual possibility of rejection, damage or suffering.”

And what do you think of this longer one?

“[…] as adults, [these children] stick with their careers and what they feel they can control. Deep and intimate relationships turn into threats. Being vulnerable is not an option, because if they are rejected […] they may find the loneliness they know well. When they grow up, people who create bonds from avoidant attachment find it difficult to recognize their own needs. They are extremely independent, they can do everything on their own, but they really fear not being good enough for others, and ultimately they fear rejection. They are adaptive people, who can even be very successful in a society, but when it comes to intimate relationships, it is difficult for them to overcome those barriers.”

And a bonus, just because I can’t leave this out:

“This hyper independence can be linked to traumatic situations, even unconsciously. These experiences can translate into greater difficulty when setting up a couple project or a work project, or when committing to someone or something. Because of course, committing also means showing yourself vulnerable.”

Did you read them all? These quotes have the name Ethan Ramsey written all over the place! All of them are from professional psychologists who based their opinions on the Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development by Donald Winnicott and on the Theory of Attachment by John Bowlby. Based on this theory, Ethan would be an avoidant attachment type of person. In very simple words, he is “someone who […] often sees himself as independent and able to ‘go it alone’. He often maintains strict boundaries, can be emotionally distant, and has a hard time opening up to their partners or making and keeping close relationships.”

So based on all of this, I think Ethan may not even notice that he’s pushing the MC away because that’s part of who he is. He is so used to solve everything by himself, to be independent and to not rely on anyone when he has a problem (because that’s how he has managed to survive all of his life), that even though the MC constantly tells him that he’s not alone anymore he has trouble processing the message. The fact that he is also an only child may have even helped to exacerbate this behavior because, as he has no siblings, he had no choice but to deal with things by himself (and here I’m talking from the experience, I was an only child until I was 14 and I left my parents’ home right after turning 18, so you can tell I know a thing or two about growing up on your own).

His relationship with his dad also had an effect on him. Alan even described Ethan as a perfect son for a single parent. He always did his homework, helped at home and worked during summer. And he even said he didn’t have to motivate Ethan to do anything, that he did all of that by himself. But then the article says: “Parents who generate avoidant attachments with their children are mostly caregivers who are not fully emotionally available to them and therefore are concerned that they function from autonomy. That makes the child act in a certain way, to try to attract or to please those unavailable dads.” So what if Ethan did all of this not only because he wanted to do it, but also because he was involuntarily trying to please his dad? The article adds: “It is not a lack of love [from the parents]; it has to do with the caregivers having difficulties on terms of affective connection, so these children learn to adapt and be complacent.”

Should we also analyze Ethan’s social skills? We all know he hates parties and having to socialize could be a nightmare for him. Do you remember that he became friends with Dolores just because she kept in touch with him and she was the one who invited him to have a coffee? Or how Naveen took him under his wing not only as his mentee, but also as his putative son and friend? Or more recently… have you ever noticed how he basically never mingles with our friends, especially in book 3? Have you ever seen him at Donahue’s talking to anyone but the MC and Reggie? Did you notice that during Ines’ wedding he wasn’t with Harper and Tobias, with Naveen or with Baz? He is always by himself!

Let’s move on to his romantic relationships. Besides the MC, the only relationship we know about is with Harper. Have you ever wondered how their relationship was? For some reason, I’ve always felt it wasn’t as serious for him (we don’t have her side of the story). Sure, he cares about her a lot, but he never loved her, even though they dated for a long time. In fact, when I hear him talking about his relationship with Harper, I kind of feel like the only reason they were dating was to keep each other company. Did they have plans as a couple? Did they ever live together? Did they meet each other families? Did they ever talk about marriage? Did he ever tell her he loved her? I have too many questions, but for some reason I think the answer to all of them is “no”.

Finally, have you noticed how focused he is on his job? And please let’s forget about Ethan in book 3 because we all know the MC is solving every single case… I mean… he must have been an intern or a resident when he wrote his book! Let’s also remember how he was obsessed with diagnosing Naveen in book 1 or how in book 2 he focused himself on helping as many patients as possible before Edenbrook’s closure. Of course, let’s add that the man is a perfectionist as well (do you remember when he was mortified and ashamed for misdiagnosing a patient ONCE?).

So yeah, I’m beginning to think that all of this is not about Ethan being mean to the MC and repeating the same story over and over again on purpose. Instead, I think it has to do with his personality as a character and with his childhood experiences. But of course, we all know there is no way that PB makes any reference to this, I just needed to get it off my chest (and to stay awake until 5:30 am writing this) because when I connected everything I was like "OMG!" 🤯

Where can you find more info about this topic?

https://bit.ly/3toNBaA (this one in Spanish, but Google Translator might help you to understand it)

https://bit.ly/33qmbGP (this one is in English)

[charlemange1]

Ranking adaptations of Victor Frankenstein from least to most evil

The character Victor Frankenstein has been adapted many times over the years. Sometimes he’s a heroic YA protagonist while others have him using his clone army to wipe out humanity and take over the world. But which Victor is truly the worse?

After reading several adaptations, I’ve decided to rank Victor’s morality in each one and find out! The gothic lit community doesn’t talk about these adaptations much, so hopefully this list can introduce the fandom to some of the lesser-known interpretations out there!

This is part one, which ranks printed retellings only. If people enjoy it, I’ll do a part two and merge the films into the mix!

Disclaimers (please read):

SPOILERS! Victor’s actions in these adaptations will be thoroughly analyzed with no regard for the spoiler tag.

Some of the more evil Victor’s get into dark territory, and while I will not go into extensive detail (lest I go insane) if mentions of abuse, sexual themes, possessive behavior and murder bother you, don’t make my mistake and turn back! (I will leave an additional reminder when said parts come up)

This list centers on Victor’s actions and NOT the quality of the books themselves—so if you see your favorite title getting a low score it’s not because it’s a bad book—it’s because Victor is a jerk.

This list is by no means complete, just the ones I’ve read personally.

These are my silly personal opinions and if you disagree with my ranking that’s perfectly fine!

Ranking: On a 1-10 scale, with 10 being fantastic and 0 being “run if you see this man in a dark alley.”

10/10 Perfect Sunbeam. Overall great, wholesome guy!

*crickets chirp in a serene backdrop of a Romantic field*

Good dude

Junji Ito’s Frankenstein: 8.5/10

Props to the master of manga monsters for making the twist be that Victor is not secretly evil/insane.

Not only does Victor pity the creature and agree to create a mate for him—but he keeps his word! This is especially touching when you consider how the creature treks alllllll the way to Switzerland to dig up Justine’s head as a face for the bride. (Henry says he probably didn’t know it was Justines, but come on, you just happened to pick up the head of the girl you framed and carried it for miles across land and sea to deliver it to Victor instead of stopping somewhere closer? I don't buy it.)

Victor even goes the extra mile, kindly stating:

Yet the bride rejects the creature (not Victor’s fault) and in revenge, the creature kills Henry, Elizabeth, and Alphonse. In retaliation, Victor follows him onto the ice and relates his tale to Walton before dying.

Victor's actions are nothing heroic, but what more could he have done? He didn’t break his promise and kill the bride like in the original novel and he clearly cared about reanimating “Justine” as shown in the above image.

And did I mention this manga was done by Junji Ito? Would YOU stay in the same room if you created a Junji Ito monster? Didn't think so! After the initial mistake of abandoning his monster, this Victor did the best he could to make amends and protect his family--making him an overall good person.

Decent guy

This Dark endeavor by Kenneth Oppel: 7/10

Serving as a prequel to the original novel, This Dark Endeavor tells the untold story of what leads young Victor Frankenstein to create his monster.

While Victor very much struggles with his angsty dark desires (bad), he tirelessly searches for the alchemic "Elixir of Life" to save his twin brother (good). A brother who is more talented than Victor, has the heart of his love interest, and Victor believes everyone prefers over himself.

Good on you, Victor, for letting the love for your brother override understandable sibling jealousy. If that wasn’t enough to make him decent, letting a few fingers be cut off to save his twin definitely does.

What brings Victor down to a 7 is his relationship with Elizabeth. It’s born out of jealousy from her loving his twin rather than genuine affection. Even if this retelling makes Elizabeth a feisty, pants-wearing independent female (to lessen the possessive undertones Victor exhibits, I presume? Read it and judge for yourself), the relationship does nothing positive for his character. Tricking someone into kissing you is a jerk move, bro.

Ok I guess….

Such Wicked Intent by Kenneth Oppel 6/10

The sequel to This Dark Endeavor loses Victor’s careful balance of good and bad traits its predecessor boasted. Victor wasn’t perfect in TDE, but the majority of his negative actions stemmed from trying to save his ill brother and were mostly forgivable. In Such Wicked Intent, his understandable sibling jealously now comes off as petty since Victor’s twin is already dead.

Victor trying to bring his brother back to life (good) is undermined by his growing reliance on supernatural butterflies that increase his abilities despite other characters pointing out the obvious danger. Victor is also not the greatest parent to Twin 2.0 and the previous issues with him and Elizabeth from book 1 don’t improve. He’s the same Victor from TDE, but the plot focusing on his selfish desires makes him more flawed as a result.

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley (the original novel): 6/10

Depending on how you interpret the events of the original novel, Victor is either a college Dad in over his head and trying his best after an initial mistake, or a misogynistic, irresponsible jerk only capable of thinking of himself. There are enough professional articles to support both interpretations, and I’m not the person to pick one over the other. 

However, if the narrative he tells Walton is to be taken as truth (and the creature not correcting Victor's account tells me it is), Victor spent most of the novel trying to fix his mistake (intentions may vary)—and isn’t too bad as a result.  

Pride and Prometheus by John Kessel: 5/10

Despite being a crossover with Pride and Prejudice, Kessel tries to be as faithful to the original Frankenstein as possible. However, the few changes he makes hurts Victor from a moral standpoint.

Victor’s not the greatest guy when handling the romantic gestures of both Mary Bennet and Henry. Also, murdering his creature's mate with poison right before they leave to start their happily ever after is awful, but understandable from his point of view.

Then there's P&P's ending, where Walton describes meeting Victor on the ice. It’s revealed that Victor left killing the creature's mate and the Bennet’s out of his narrative. While this is probably Kessel justifying why Jane Austen’s characters and his changes weren’t mentioned in the original text (and who can blame him?) it does make Victor a liar. In the original, the creature never called Victor out for omitting anything—so altering the story on his deathbed places P&P’s Victor a rung lower than his original counterpart.

Ehh….

Frankenstein According to Spike Milligan: 4/10

As a nearly-word-for-word retelling with minor, humorous changes by the comedian Spike Milligan, Victor is more pathetic than anything. He’s a harmless, pathetic, hilarious jerk.

Some quotes:

"I bounded along with feelings of unbridled joy and hilarity. From a great distance my family could see me bounding with unbridled joy and hilarity." (53)

*

"'I tell you,’ I said, ‘that murderer had his trousers down, was eating fish paste sandwiches and traveling 100 miles per hour.’" (59)

*

"‘I can offer you no consolation,’ said he.

‘Then piss off.’ said I." (54)

Here’s his jail visit with Justine in animatic form (and me shamelessly plugging my other creative endeavors)

Monster by Neal Bell 3.5/10

Warning: contains mentions of animal abuse

On one hand, Victor wants to conquer death to save his family and is clearly disturbed over Justine's and his mother’s death. However, the man expresses little concern at the possibility of William getting struck by lightning with his kite in front of his mother who had already lost 9 children.

He can also talk to dogs and cats (for…some reason?) who are portrayed as intelligent beings with feelings—yet that doesn’t stop him from eating said dogs in the Arctic and killing said cat after threatening her with a knife. He also flings around Bible verses while being painfully egotistical about “being God”.

Using Henry’s romantic affections toward him to his advantage, briefly forcing himself on Elizabeth, and tenderly caring for his monster only to abandon him after the creature expresses a want to die just makes him an awful person all around. The fact he doesn’t do these things with clear malicious intent saves him from being any lower.  

Quotes:

ELIZABETH: A bone. A brittle bit of skin. A tooth—

VICTOR: Would you not be womanish now?

Be useful. Here—hold the Leyden jar,

While I attach the string…

*

VICTOR: A satisfactory morning, then, Mister Puss—tormenting the dogs?

CAT: God gave me a duty. I fulfill it.

VICTOR: Papa says there is no God.

(He takes out a knife)

Pretty bad dude

WARNING: Please note that some of these Victors get into unsavory territory. If the mention of sexual themes/abuse/murder bothers you turn back:

The Casebook of Victor Frankenstein by Peter Ackroyd: 3/10

This one was tricky. The narrative chugs along with Victor being an intelligent, thoughtful guy with only a few obsessive tendencies. He’s chilling with the Shelleys, talking to the poor in the streets and financially supporting Fred’s family along with giving out generous tips. He’s a cool guy. He’s a great dude! He’s….revealed in the final 2 pages to be recounting everything from a mental asylum, the monster was in his head, and he’s actually the one that committed the murders.

Alrighty then.   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Having his insanity revealed in the final pages, it’s hard to judge whether there was genuine malicious intent or if Victor truly thought he created the creature and believed he was doing good in trying to “stop” it. No matter his intentions though, the body count remains and a child strangler has no place being anything higher than a 3.

The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Kiersten White: 1/10

We all knew this one would make the list. Elizabeth’s first flashback sets up Victor as having serious issues—the question becomes how low will he go? Turns out pretty low. 

He’s the one who killed William and framed Justine along with murdering his father, brother Robert and various people at Ingolstadt. 

What really makes him despicable is that Elizabeth is the novel's main POV character who only sticks with Victor so she’s not thrown out on the streets. He’s abusive, controlling, dominating, and so possessive that he’ll perfect reanimation so that not even death can take her away from him! Yikes. I can’t stress enough how being in Elizabeth’s POV makes these actions all the more menacing. 

Quote:

“There was never another path for you. Consider how much worse it has all been for me. How much I have had to suffer. And how much of that suffering has been caused directly by you!” His face twitched, and his fingers tightened on the pistol. Then he sighed. “It does not do to dwell on it. There is no point in fighting. This is your fate, Elizabeth Frankenstein. I will let no other claim you—not man, not death, not even God.” (279)

Nice guy.

Despite his terrible actions, Victor is trying to "save" Elizabeth from death. In his mind, he wants what’s best for her. It’s a crazy mind that mixed up domination and love, but the fact that his evil actions come from wanting to keep someone he wants to control cares about safe vs. other versions where his crimes stem from wanting to rival god and rule the world, this version isn’t THAT bad. At least his hearts in the right place—even if his mentality is utter garbage.

The Memoirs of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Theodore Roszak 0/10

*insert my screams of insurmountable anguish here*

Caroline: Hey son, you should do NSFW things.

Victor: Sure. I will now do NSFW things.

Victor: *proceeds to do NSFW things*

The reprint of this novel mentions on the cover it’s erotica, but the copy I bought (and to this day have not finished) had no such disclaimer. I’ll break my rule and speak on the quality of this book: there is none. For an alleged “pro-feminism” novel everyone is terrible—and Victor is no exception.

Literally Satan.

Dean Koontz’s Frankenstein Series: -∞/10

So you’ve read far enough to join me in Hell.

Where do even I start? This is a Victor who extended his life to the present day. Who worked with Hitler, Stalin, Castro and regretted the fall of the Third Reich. Who created an army of emotionally deprived “new race” creations to kill people and assume their identities so he could ascend the ranks of politics. Who, once he has enough of his new race integrated into society, desires to commit mass genocide on humanity and establish himself as supreme ruler of the world—only then can he conquer the cosmos as well because why the hell not?  

Oh, and he’s a wife-beater/murderer too! Which isn’t a problem, considering he can create a new wife whenever he sees fit (he was on Erika 5 by book 3). The sheer lack of any positive traits in this man is laughable. Koontz really, REALLY wants to get across that Victor is a bad guy.

And if you’re somehow not convinced by the above description, here are some quotes I pulled from the first 3 novels as a bonus to reeeeeally sell how despicable this clown is:

Regarding Elizabeth:

“Victor had not loved Elizabeth. Love and God were myths he rejected with equal contempt. But Elizabeth had belonged to him. Even after more than 200 years, he still bitterly resented the loss of her, as he would have resented losing an exquisite antique porcelain vase if [his creature] had smashed that instead of the bride,” (3.97). 

Regarding Mary Shelley:

“When Mary Shelley took a local legend based on truth and crafted fiction from it, she made Victor a tragic figure and killed him off. He understood her dramatic purpose for giving him a death scene, but he loathed her for portraying him as tragic and as a failure. Her judgment of his work was arrogant. What else of consequence did she ever write? And of the two, who was dead—and who was not?” (1.79-80)

(Author Note: For your information, Victor, The Last Man is considered by some to be the first dystopian novel)

His…ah…"friends”:

“Fire was featured in some of his less pleasant memories. The great windmill. The bombing of Dresden. The Israeli Mossad attack on the secret Venezuelan research complex that he had shared with Mengele in the years after World War Two. Nevertheless, he liked to read to the accompaniment of a cozy crackling fire,” (1.76).

*

“Victor admired Hitler. The Führer knew talent when he saw it.

In the 1930s and 40s, Victor had worked with Mengele and others in Hitler's privileged scientific class. He made considerable progress in his work before the regrettable allied victory…the problem with the Führer had been that his roots were in art and politics…The future did not belong either to artists or to politicians,” (2.24-25).

Dat ego tho:

“When I die, those cells will be capped descend a signal that will be relayed by satellite to everyone made of new race flesh, to every meat machine that walks. And you will fall down dead,’…Victor smiled, anticipating triumph in spite of their silence. ‘Did you think a God would die alone?’” (3.345).  

*

Civilization would not be remade or sustained by Christianity or by Islam. Neither by Scientologists nor by the bright-eyed adherence of the deliciously solipsistic paranoid new religion encouraged by The Da Vinci Code. Tomorrow belonged to scientism. The priests of scientism were not merely robed clerics performing rituals, they were gods, with the power of gods. Victor himself was their Messiah,” (2.25).

*

“With Victor's unstoppable drive for power, with his singular intellect, with his cold materialism and his ruthless practicality, and now with synchronicity on his side, he had become untouchable, immortal.

He was immortal,” (3.329).

*

“How they goggled at him, abashed by his wisdom and knowledge, mortified by their ignorance, over-awed by his godlike power,” (3.330). 

*

“’Murder,’ said the caller. ‘murder…excites me.’

Victor kept the growing concern out of his voice. ‘No, your mind is fine. I don't make mistakes.’” (1.156)

Oh yeah, he has a wife, doesn't he:

“This is why Victor requires …the cruel humiliation of his partner. He has long ago transcended the guilt that committing acts of cruelty might spawn in others...the exercise of raw power thrills him,” (1.244).

*

“I have given you a life…remember that. I have given you a life, and I will choose what you do with it,” (1.464).

Wives view of him:

“She owned literally hundreds of outfits. Having been created to his ideal measurements, Victor had purchased everything…She hoped that someday she would be allowed to shop for herself. When Victor allowed that, she would know she had at last met his standards and earned his trust. Briefly, she wondered what it would be like not to care what Victor—or anyone—thought of her. To be herself. Independent. Those were dangerous thoughts. She must repress them.” (1.107)    

*

And those are just the PG bits, he does much, much worse.

*

In conclusion:

So yes, Spike Milligan made Victor a pathetic jerk, Casebook made Victor a madman, Memoirs made him an erotic predator, Dark Descent had him as an abusive boyfriend ruthless in possessing “his Elizabeth”,  but nearly succeeding at worldwide genocide while abusing/murdering/manipulating people to achieve his goals makes Dean Koontz’s Victor Frankenstein the worse, more morally despicable Victor Frankenstein of them all. At least from what I’ve read.

Annnnd that’s it! If you want me to make a part 2 and add in the films/plays let me know! Hopefully at least one of these peeked your interest as something to check out during spooky season.

Shameless plug-in: here’s my own Frankenstein adaptation

*

Bonus!

Ranking the books on how much I liked them personally!

Great:

The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein: Nice to see Victor’s villainy stem from family relations and not ego and wanting to defy God for a change.

Junji Ito’s Frankenstein: Phenomenal artwork, fairly faithful adaptation, and the changes serve to put Victor in a better light—which I love! The master of manga monsters himself made the right choice in keeping the creature more monstrous in this version instead of focusing on his humanity.

This Dark Endeavor: Frankenstein characters go on a Harry Potter styled adventure. Need I say more?

Average:

Such Wicked Intent: Victor’s character takes a dip, and pit monsters/life-absorbing butterflies don’t quite fit in a Frankenstein prequel.

Frankenstein According to Spike Milligan: It’s a silly, stupid comedy. Got a few chuckles out of me.

Pride and Prometheus: The concept works way better than it should. However, it follows the original text to a fault and can be boring at points. 

Bad:

Warning: contains mentions of suicide 

Monster: Victor’s character was far too inconsistent to be likable. He can talk to animals why, exactly?

Casebook of Victor Frankenstein: So, Victor is revealed to be crazy in the final 3 pages? So, the monster was in his head? Alright. But other characters throughout the book SAW the monster and described him like Victor did. So, there’s no way to separate Victor’s POV from reality and that kills the reread value and makes this a waste of time. Don’t get me wrong, the creature being symbolic for Victor’s inner demons is a fascinating direction if done well—and I recommend the essay “Frankenstein: The Man and the Monster” by Arthur Belefant if you want a much shorter exploration of this concept. It’s not perfect, but beats Casebook by a longshot!

Also, taking the real-life suicide of Percy’s wife Harriet and turning it into Victor murdering her and framing it on someone else to mimic Frankenstein’s Justine/William scene is just wrong. You made a woman’s suicide a cheap plot point in your fanfic of the mistress’s novel. That is what you did, author.

Dean Koontz Frankenstein: It starts out good and has great suspense—too bad the actual plot is awful. Victor’s so painfully evil it comes off as comical, the characters are bad/bland, plot holes abound (they state Mary Shelley’s novel is canon, then mention the windmill which was only in the films—so who even IS this Victor? Book or film?). The conclusion in book 3 is one of the most underwhelming finals I’ve ever read, and the creature “cures” a kid of Autism in the final chapter. No really. How this is a book series/comic series/movie is beyond me.

So atrocious I couldn’t bring myself to finish:

Warning: contains mentions of sexual themes

The Memoirs of Elizabeth Frankenstein: It claims to be pro-feminist, but the women “good guys” blatantly state they are grooming children for sexual rituals and Victor and Elizabeth are coerced into doing NSFW things by Victor’s mother in the name of “women’s rights”. Here’s the kicker: these awful actions are framed as being positive. I—a woman—loath this novel. Maybe things got better by the end (and if there was some plot twist that changed the entire setup, I apologize for ranting about nothing) but I’m not reading to that point to find out! This will forever stay both my first and last experience with erotic literature. Thank goodness The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein exists to give us a decent feminist take on Frankenstein!

[along-came-atsushi]

About Dazai being the (possible) son of the former mafia boss

It has already been mentioned by some people in the fandom that Dazai could have a blood relationship with the former Mafia boss. I don’t know if anyone ever wrote a detailed analysis about this, so I read several scenes with that theory in mind and there are actually some scenes throughout the story where this could have been hinted at and where some things make way more sense.

For this analysis I want to stick with the theory that the former Mafia boss is Dazai’s biological father. But there is also the possibility that he’s any other relative of Dazai (e.g. his uncle or grandfather) or that Dazai is not related to him by blood and he is adopted.

Please keep in mind, that there are many speculations, especially in the first part of this analysis! Should there be any further hints to this theory in future chapters, then either this post will get an update or I’ll write another one.

Quotes from the Fifteen novel are from @looking-for-stray-dogs​ translations!

Beware: Some spoilers for some of the novels and the latest manga chapters!

What we know so far:

- Dazai had been in the Port Mafia since he was 14 (the time where he witnessed Mori killing the former boss). But it is possible that he was in the Port Mafia even before that, because he knew about Kouyou’s plan to escape with the man she admired (where Kouyou was around 14, so Dazai would’ve been around 11).

- It’s not explained until now what exactly was the reason for the former Mafia boss to start a wide underground war that involved many causalities to Yokohama and within the Port Mafia. It’s also not explained what exactly this “illness” was he supposedly suffered from.

He could’ve simply just gotten delusional, craving more and more power over the years. But it’s been stated by Hirotsu that he wasn’t like this from the very beginning, and puts the blame on the former boss’s “illness”.

Possible past:

A motive for the former Mafia boss to start this war is that something happened to a person dear to him, and he did due to sadness and to avenge this person. In this case, maybe something happened to his wife, who would’ve been Dazai’s mother. Yes, I know this origin would be pretty cliché, but there are several reasons why this theory could be true:

1.) There are several characters whose deaths / fates serve as a motive for another character’s actions -> Fitzgerald’s daughter (who died) and his wife (who became mentally ill due to her sadness over their daughter’s death) are the reasons why he’s searching for The Book™; Margaret’s sacrifice for Nathaniel, which then drives Nathaniel to follow Fyodor; Odasaku’s death is the reason why Dazai leaves the Port Mafia; Tachihara’s brother dying is the reason why he seeks vengeance at first; and so on.

2.) ‘Sacrifice for the sake of loved ones’ is a big theme explored throughout BSD -> Odasaku’s sacrifice due to his children dying; the death of Kyouka’s parents in order to protect Kyouka; Margaret sacrificing herself for Nathaniel; and so on.

3.) ‘Going to extreme lengths for the sake of / to avenge / to protect / to claim loved ones’ is another big theme explored throughout BSD -> Odasaku seeking death and vengeance after he witnessed his children die; Tanizaki vowing that he would see the whole world burn for Naomi; John saying something similar about his sister; Fitzgerald playing the big bad guy for his family; Nathaniel leaving the Guild and joining Fyodor because of Margaret; Mori’s creepy obsession with Yosano; Akutagawa’s obsession about Dazai’s approval; Tachihara deceiving everyone to avenge his brother; and so on.

In his last moments the former Mafia boss still wasn’t able to let go of whatever he was seeking, and it just seems as if he was seething with rage and vengeance about something.

[Side note: His mother’s death could’ve been the reason for Dazai to get to know about The Book™ in the first place. Maybe because he himself was looking for a way to bring his mother back, or because his father was searching for the book.]

Mori becoming the new boss:

We don’t know the exact reason why Mori chose Dazai of all people as a witness. But I highly doubt it was just because of a coincidence, or because Dazai was (conveniently for Mori) suicidal. It doesn’t make much sense and Mori himself is too much of a strategist to just go with coincidences. What makes more sense are these reasons Mori has:

“What Mori needed was an assistant. A secretary, a confidant, an outstanding right-hand man.”

“And more than that, as a town doctor turned traitor who usurped power, what he needed were subordinates he could trust. Subordinates he didn’t need to harbour secrets with. Subordinates who could understand him, even while he continued waving a solitary flag at the tip of an iceberg.”

“He couldn’t let Dazai die.

If he did so—if that happened, the people loyal to the predecessor, still firmly rooted within the organisation, would certainly say ‘as expected, the change of bosses was a conspiracy’ and create an uproar.”

It’s been stated that Mori worked as the former boss’s personal doctor. But maybe Mori also worked as the personal doctor for the former boss’s whole family, which would be the reason how he and Dazai got to know each other in the first place (with Dazai being the boss’s son):

“Dazai is not Mori’s subordinate. He isn’t even in the mafia. And he certainly isn’t an illegitimate child, or an orphan he picked up, or a medical assistant. There does not exist a word to correctly express what Dazai and Mori’s relationship is. If one had to use words close to its reality—they were in the same boat.”

This is the only very vague information we got about this so far. But it seems that not everyone in the Port Mafia knows about the former boss’s son, or of him having his own family. The reason for this could be simply to protect them. It’s possible that Dazai was kept hidden from Port Mafia members and he wasn’t an official member himself yet. But once he had reached a certain age, he would have become an official member, and then later he would have inherited his father’s legacy. It’s also possible that only a few certain loyal people, who earned the former boss’s trust knew about his family. One of these people being Mori, as he was the family’s personal doctor.

We know that the war the former boss started contained a lot of causalities in Yokohama and the Port Mafia alone. When Mori took over, he already was confronted with several problems inside the Port Mafia due to this (but more on that later).

Dazai more than anyone else would know that his father couldn’t be convinced to stop the war in his state of mind. So, the only solution to this would be that his father needed to die in order to stop it and with someone else sitting on the throne. Maybe Dazai wasn’t able to kill his father himself (for obvious reasons), so he asked Mori to do it. Or it was the other way around and Mori convinced Dazai to do this together with him. It’s possible that they made a deal: Mori would kill Dazai’s father in place of Dazai, and in return Dazai would relinquish his right as the new boss and give the position to Mori:

“The two of them have shared a common destiny since a year ago. The two of them—Mori as the boss’s private doctor and Dazai, brought into this, no more than a patient who had attempted suicide—colluded, and they carried out a certain secret plan.”

Choosing Dazai as a witness, if he actually was just a random kid brought in by Mori doesn’t really secure his position. But if Dazai is related to the former boss, then choosing him as witness would be a further backup should it ever come out that Mori really killed and usurped the former boss. It also serves as a ‘mind-lock’ for Dazai; in other words: Mori successfully manipulated and subdued Dazai from taking any further steps in betraying him or breaking their deal in any way.

Why Mori kept Dazai in the Port Mafia and wants him back:

After Mori took over, he was met with several problems:

“It has already been two weeks since the deadline for the supply of contraband guns to arrive. At this rate, soon all my subordinates will be reduced to fighting enemies with kitchen knives. And not only that. There have already been three cases this month where the city police were dispatched. Seems like I’m losing control over the members far down the hierarchy.” - Mori

“Cancellations of contracts in the protection business. Intensification of disputes with other organizations. Shrinking of territory. How troubling……a year after becoming boss, and there’s a mountain of problems. For it to be so terrible standing in the top position of the organization……could it be I’m not suited for this? What do you think, Dazai-kun. Were you listening to me?” - Mori

“No money, no information, no trust from subordinates. Even though you’ve known all these from the start.” - Dazai

“Liar! You say that and you keep making me work hard, gave me awful memories a year back, and in the end you didn’t teach me! If this goes on I’ll betray you and join an enemy organization!” - Dazai

“Already, this year he had stopped two cases of members from the “predecessor faction” planning to assassinate Mori. The traitors had certainly been executed, but below the surface Mori was still not approved of. He couldn’t imagine how many of the “predecessor faction” remained.”

It’s strange that Mori is seeking advice from a 14-year-old kid who just recently got into the Mafia. At this point Dazai isn’t even an official member and is only now becoming one. It doesn’t make much sense why Mori would keep a mere “patient who had attempted suicide” and was somehow “brought into this” by his side and choose as a witness, when it’s also made clear at the same time that Dazai “isn’t an orphan Mori picked up”, or why Dazai would willingly decide to stay by Mori’s side.

Of course, it could just be due to Dazai’s intelligence that he is a valuable advisor by nature. But if he is somehow related to the former boss, then he probably must have received some sort of training in how to properly lead a major organization like the Port Mafia. A training which Mori didn’t receive as a random usurper, so now he’s dealing with the problems and is in need of someone who has more insight than him. At least, in the beginning of his take over.

This point of view changed within Mori as Dazai climbed up the ranks as an executive with his own subordinates (who highly respected and / or feared Dazai). Therefore, Mori was constantly torn between seeing Dazai as a valuable advisor and weapon in battle and a possible rival / usurper.

Which then was one of the reasons why Mori kinda initiated Odasaku’s death, in order to break Dazai and make him leave Port Mafia. But during the fight with the Guild he regretted having lost Dazai as a member.

Possible hints:

Stepping away from mere speculations to theories with more canon facts. The following quotes could serve as hints for Dazai’s possible origin (in chronological order):

- Odasaku about Dazai:

“He was practically born for this job.”

The context of this quote is about Dazai’s cruel and effective methods as a Port Mafia executive. Of course, Odasaku doesn’t know about Dazai’s possible past, but it emphasizes just how natural and thoroughly Dazai fits in the Port Mafia. It could serve as a hint from a narrative POV.

- Dazai and Odasaku:

“Odasaku, I know what you’re thinking, but don’t. Doing that isn’t going to−” “Isn’t going to bring the kids back?” I asked. […]

“Odasaku…,” Dazai said softly. “Forgive me for the absurd wording, but−−don’t go. Find something to rely on. Expect good things to happen from here on out. There’s gotta be something… Hey Odasaku, do you know why I joined the Mafia?” […] I joined the Mafia because of an expectation I had. I thought if I was close to death and violence−−close to people giving in to their urges and desires, then I would be able to see the inner nature of humankind up close. I thought if I did that, I would be able to find something−−a reason to live.”

Interestingly, Dazai says this right after Odasaku witnessed his children dying right in front of his eyes. Dazai knew exactly how Odasaku felt after his loss. And he knew that grief over the loss of loved ones can make a person choose decisions that will have bad consequences (the former boss starting a war, not caring about who dies, which maybe stems because he lost a loved one). And Odasaku sadly really chooses to sacrifice himself, because he had lost all meaning in his life.

- Higuchi to Dazai:

Higuchi says this after she lists some of the things Dazai did during his Port Mafia time, which she claims to have read in some records. It could be that she just wants to express how cruel he was, even for a Port Mafia member. But the fact that she emphasizes “your blood” could maybe not only refer symbolically to his actions, but as him having actual Mafia blood, and she subtly informs him that she now knows about his possible past.

It would explain why he looks so shocked at first, because I doubt that Dazai’s actions are an actual secret in the Port Mafia. Higuchi could’ve simply asked pretty much anyone if she wanted to know more about that. And it’s also weird that Dazai is shocked just because a Port Mafia member tells him about the things he had done back then.

It’s still uncertain though, how exactly she found out about this, or if it was her doing all alone. And if anyone told her, then the question remains why it was necessary that she should know about this.

- Dazai, Mori and Hirotsu:

This whole scene and conversation just look very suspicious to me. And it also seems that Hirotsu knows a lot more than he lets on. It’s clear that Mori thought of Dazai as usurper and so he needed him out of his way.

Dazai also seems to take the former boss’s death pretty personal, as if he’s still holding grudges against Mori for killing him. Which would be strange, if Dazai really is just some random kid who got into the Port Mafia by Mori and not somehow related to the former boss. And in that case, it’s also weird that Hirotsu especially emphasizes that he believes that Dazai understands what Mori had to do. It could be that Dazai’s goal back in the Port Mafia was to gain enough subordinates / followers to take over as the new boss (like he threatens Mori with), in other words: to take back what was taken from him. But then the whole Odasaku thing happened and so he left and found a new purpose for himself.

Hirotsu either could have been one of the few people who knew about the former boss’s family and just keeps quiet about it, or he later found out about it somehow (and that maybe could be the reason how Higuchi knows, too).

It’s also notable that Dazai and Hirotsu seem to get along very well, which could be because Hirotsu just respects Dazai as a person, but maybe also because he knows that Dazai is the true heir.

[kingofthewilderwest]

princesstokyomoon replied to your post ... ... ... can we see the list?

kovu was the first crush baby me ever acknowledged i had, so seeing simba on this list is very validating lol

[high fives] Disney made those lions way too hot for their own good. Kovu would probably be on my list if I had watched the second Lion King movie more recently. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it, but I remember being gripped by him when I was younger. So if he magically appears on that list later...... a rewatch happened.

writingstellar replied to your post ... ... ... can we see the list?

-is queer -has a type -that type involves dark hair and eyes ...my dude do you also like them kinda damaged? Because I think we have the same taste lmao

Bruh. Bruh. I wasn’t going to admit it in the tags, but TOTALLY. When they’re damaged is when my heart melts. I relate to their struggles and issues, I yearn to care for them, I feel for them, I love them. [high five on the same taste]

maski1 replied to your post ... ... ... can we see the list?

"Elizabeth Hawkeye" ? I think it was stated her name really is "Riza" ? When I watched ATLA when I was little I didn't like Zuko. Now he's my favorite character XD Gotta watch The Dragon Prince but before, I have to watch TLoK (and before that, read the chapters that were never adaptated). I'm curious, why Aladdin? Linguini is underrated

I started replying to you in the comments of the original post, but you always have such fun conversations, so I had to hop onto here and expand!

1. Regarding how I present the names on my list, I try to give a character’s full name, so long as there is strong evidence-based canon that gives or implies their name. In a few rare cases, like Elizabeth Hawkeye, there are fans who would dispute me on this, but I can give a very good account based deeply in canon for why I have the name listed as it is. If people want to agree or disagree with me at the end of the day, I don’t mind either way.

Regarding Riza... there are two types of scenarios she is called “Elizabeth” in Arakawa’s writing. One scenario is when everyone in Team Mustang is given code names. I imagine zero fans care about that as evidence. Havoc’s code name is Jacqueline, and that obviously isn’t his real name. Riza being called “Elizabeth” on the phone when Roy is disguising his operations by fake flirting doesn’t count for proof by itself. But the other instance is Roy calling her “Elizabeth” to Madame Christmas. I think most fans read that as Roy simply extending the code name for anonymity reasons. However, given Madame Christmas knows a ton about Roy’s emotional investment in Riza, and I’ve encountered some..... translational difficulties that the official English versions have with names... I think the latter’s a good cue.

Riza in older English translations and older merchandise was legitimately named “Liza,” and Liza is a common nickname for Elizabeth (especially for the time period Fullmetal Alchemist is roughly evoking). I talk about the translation weirdness here in much better depth. As you may know yourself, given your own language background, this would not be the first time the English translators made stupid mistakes with FMA names. Viz Media initially gave Xerxes the clusterfuck spelling ‘Cselkcess’ before they realized what the word was supposed to be. Ling Yao’s name has danced between Ling and Lin, despite Arakawa herself putting the Romanized spelling of his name in some drawn panels. I have seen Ranfun, Ranfan, and Lan Fan all within official FMA merchandise. Viz Media couldn’t even get a kid’s name “Kyle” down right in their translations... originally he was called “Khayal,” because at that point in time, they didn’t have a good grasp of the world (and ergo name base) that Arakawa was drawing from. Jean Havoc’s name should have been given a French pronunciation rather than sounding like ‘Gene,’ and if you wanted to Anglicize his name one step further, you could’ve named him John Havoc more accurately than what we got in the anime dubs.

With all that said and done, a character named Liza who is sometimes referred to as “Elizabeth” seems to me a logical enough indication she would have been born as “Elizabeth Hawkeye.” In any other circumstance, if I met someone who was called Liza but at one point got called “Elizabeth” by people who knew her in her past, I would conclude she was named Elizabeth. So yeah. Some people may disagree with my logic, but that’s the short of why I have it. XD

If other people are curious: another character whose name might disputed on my list is Rufus from Deponia. There’s some information in the obscure Deponia roleplaying book that says his father used to be named Landgull. Rufus was offended when his father changed his name from Seagull to Landgull to distance himself from Rufus (ergo, it wasn’t a first name change, which would’ve been irrelevant to disowning your blood relation to someone); Captain Seagull was always referred to by a title which usually goes with a last name; and ergo it’s likely Rufus could’ve grown up as Rufus Landgull. Even though the games never ever ever actually call him that.

2. NOW GOING ONTO THE ZUKO THING. Dude, I feel you. When I watched Season 1 of ATLA, I hated Zuko. By Season 3, I loved him and he was my favorite character. They did a magnificent job not just creating the character and giving him an arc, but allowing his personality to be increasingly revealed to us as audience members.

3. Why Aladdin? As a kid, I was obsessed with Aladdin. Now that I’m older, I still think his cheeky, adventurous, charming, but genuine yearning spirit are appealing. And he has sUCH pReTTy eYeSSS!!! So yeah. 

4. Linguini is VERY underrated. What a dear.

[purplesurveys]

1248

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say?  I feel like I’ve answered a similar situation recently, but I would assume it was a drunk text or wrong text, inform them about it, and move on.

Do you play video games?  Nah. I do feel a sort of connection of video games since I grew up surrounded by them, though; but I’m more of a watcher than anything. I like watching playthroughs of video games I’ll never play. Do you spend a lot of time with family?  No. We used to, back when the quarantine was still a relatively new thing – we hung out in the living room all the time. But now that we’ve settled in this new normal, we’re back to our normal routines and I usually like staying in my room.

Is your house more than two stories tall?  Technically, yes. We have a rooftop that serves as the ‘third’ floor.

Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you?  My ex and I never hit one another; that’s a gigantic red flag even I would notice, considering I ignored most of the ones I saw hahaha.

What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!)  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to answer this question directly, but I like my generosity. I’m not sure if I can call it attractive, though. But if we were focusing on physical features, I like my smile.

What color is your hairbrush/comb?  Pink.

What snacks do you have available in your household atm?  My dad splurged on chips in his last grocery run so we actually have quite a lot of junk food in the pantry at the moment. He also bought several packs of cookie sandwiches, wafers, sunflower seeds, and garlic-flavored peanuts.

Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive?  Neither.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged?  No, she’s just a good friend of mine.

Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you?  I guess I don’t, because I’m not even aware of them.

Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female?  Guy. It was another reporter, so I just ignored it and luckily he didn’t PM me just to ask to add him back, which others have already done. I really hate when work people try to make their way into my personal accounts.

Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you?  My parents, especially when they are rude to service crew. Gen X-ers are impeccably talented at that, apparently.

When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate?  Around two or three weeks ago when I had dinner at Angela’s. Her dad gave me a bar of Crunch so I can have something sweet after our meal.

Do you play any games on Facebook?  No, I never did hop on that trend.

What would you like to get a degree in?  I wanted a degree in journalism, and graduated with such. At the end of my college stint I didn’t want to pursue it anymore, but I pushed through with it anyway because it was too much of a hassle to shift and start all over.

Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? Technically not, because I stay up until the middle of the night anyway. It’s been a while since I fell asleep anywhere between 8 to 10 PM.

Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game?  Watch a show.

Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater?  I don’t like either; I get fries instead.

What genre of films do you like the best?  Drama.

How many bank accounts do you have?  Two but I haven’t been using the other one in months. That was the bank account I initially opened when I first started ~adulting~ but when I got employed I was required to enroll in this other specific bank, so that’s what I mainly use now.

Have you ever had the flu?  Not really. I just get the occasional fever that pop out of nowhere.

What is your goal for the next few months?  Start saving FOR REAL, and also prioritizing furniture over merch for a while so I can finally fix up my room, which is quickly starting to look and feel like just a warehouse and not very homey at all.

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life?  Nope.

Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience.  Yeah, it was from barbecue that apparently went bad, even though it tasted nothing of the sort. I woke up at 3 AM sweating profusely and with the most excruciating stomachache; I was feeling hot, cold, and nauseous all at the same time, and it probably lasted for like an hour or so.

What are two things that you have no problem paying full price for?  Sealed albums and my pets’ vet expenses.

Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex.  Charming and smart.

Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it?  It felt nice to help people.

You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? Good question; I’ve never encountered this before. I would let her live a more comfortable, privileged life, where she didn’t have to staple her shoes to keep them closed or have to choose between eating at a fast food restaurant or being able to commute back home.

Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? I’m not sure, actually. Everyone’s always slightly taller than me.

Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you?  I haven’t.

Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see?  Tumblr, I guess? My survey blog isn’t for any irls to see.

Which is worse: dusting or mopping?  I don’t really do either often, but I’ll go with mopping.

Would you marry somebody who was intensely religious?  Not for me.

Did you pull a senior prank?  No, that’s not a thing here. Did you graduate?  Yeah, elementary, high school, and college.

Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship?  Nope.

What was the last song you listened to?  It’s a song called Epiphany.

Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision?  Not ever since I was like 9 lol.

Is fashion one of your interests?  I’m way more interested in it now for sure, mostly because the celebrities I’m into these days put a lot of effort when it comes to their style; so it makes me more aware of the trends that come and go, as well.

Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone?  I’m keeping it as a possibility, but it’s not a priority for me now.

Do you care what people think?  To an extent, I would say. My life doesn’t depend on it, though.

Is acting something you enjoy?  Never been.

What was the last thing you broke/sprained?  Do you mean a thing or a body part? Anyway, I’ll answer both. The last thing I broke was my BTS Mic Drop pen of V looooooooooool the figurine came off the pen :(( It was pretty cheap though so I’m fine with it; I can always get another one. Last body part I sprained was my ankle, when I had a bad fall a couple of years ago.

Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours?  Either hasn’t happened.

Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language?  I don’t think so.

Whose house, other than yours and your families', are you most comfortable at?  Angela’s. Also JM’s, just because their family doesn’t hover and that vibe can sometimes be nice whenever I’m at someone else’s place.

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you?  Never.

Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? Not as a very young kid, but I took up table tennis starting when I was 12. Did you ever watch the show Full House?  Nope.

Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry?  Now that’s just delusional haha. I’m pretty obsessed with some celebrities, that much I can admit; but thinking of them in the context of marriage is so many steps overboard.

Have you ever burned someone’s picture?  No. I could, but I am scared of fire and will probably just think of other ways to express my anger, like tearing up the photograph. What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on?  Total length was probably like 3 hours. I haven’t gone too far when it comes to hiking.

Would you ever get a lip tattoo?  Not interested.

Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? Hans.

Do your parents smoke cigarettes?  My mom tried it once in her life, I think. My dad has never smoked.

What does one of your T-shirts have written on it?  “Hope right here!”

Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want.  Anything that’s supposed to roam freely in the wild, like squirrels.

Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller?  Taller, since I’m already quite pint-sized to begin with lol.

Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Sometimes. Other times, it's too painful. It also depends on the era of the pictures. < Agree, especially with the eras. Childhood photos are always fun to look at, but I have had to delete a CHUNK of photos from years ranging from 2014 to 2020 because I’ve lost a handful of friends from that period.

Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people?  It’s hard to for the most part, but I’ve noticed very few people people really don’t. Most of the time it’s bullshit though.

What did you love the most about the town you grew up in?  That it’s pretty close to the metro.

What’s a movie that you laughed the hardest during?  Hmm, I prefer TV shows if I’m craving comedy.

What’s a movie you cried the hardest during?  Life Is Beautiful.

What’s your favorite restaurant?  Omakase for my sushi fix; School Tteokbokki if I want Korean; Yabu if I’m looking for a generous rice meal.

Is there a dessert you don’t like?  Anything with fruits.

Favorite album?  After Laughter by Paramore.

What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it?  I can name authors instead of books – John Green and Haruki Murakami.

Underwater or outer space?  Outer space.

Dogs or cats?  Dogs.

Kittens or puppies?  Puppies.

Bird watching or whale watching?  Whale watching. I don’t get to be in the water as much, so I would jump at the opportunity.

What is your spirit animal?  I dunno if I have one but let’s just go with dog and elephant, I guess? They’re my favorites.

What was your best subject in school?  History.

What was your worst subject in school?  Chemistry.

What is one thing you wish you knew in high school?  Don’t waste your time.

Who is your fashion icon?  Audrey Hepburn.

Diamonds or pearls?  Diamonds.

What color dress did you wear to prom?  For my own prom it was cream-colored/beige. When I went to Mike’s ball, I went with a royal blue gown.

What’s your favorite plot-twist?  I don’t think I’ve found my favorite yet.

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?  Not actively.

Honestly, what’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?  I dunno...road rage, maybe?

Honestly, ever made anyone cry when you were mad?  It’s very likely.

Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out?  Sometime in the last week.

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? No thanks.

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call?  Nope.

Who are you closest to?  Angela.

Have you ever had a bad concert experience?  No, all the ones I’ve been to have been amazing experiences.

Are you currently sad about anything?  Not really. I can’t complain.

Have you had any form of exercise today?  Nah.

Can you handle blood?  Nope, I will feel faint if I see it 100%.

Has any place hired you underage for a job?  No.

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon?  I haven’t.

Are you currently searching for a job?  No, I like the one I have.

Does eating breakfast make you sick?  No?

[darklingichor]

Odd Thomas, Forever Odd & Brother Odd by Dean Koontz *MAJOR SPOILERS* Long post

I've written a little bit about these before. My goal was to listen to all seven of the Odd books plus the two short stories... I couldn't make myself do that.

I use to really love those books. I use to really love Dean Koontz, just recently, the writing has started to annoy me. Since I haven't read any of his new stuff since Saint Odd came out, I can't say it's because the writing has changed. I think I have changed, I'm just not sure in what way. So, I'm going to look at the first three books in the series because 1. I like them the most (sort of). 2. Because I honestly feel like the series should have either ended there or jumped to Saint Odd. 3. Because I'm going to see if by writing about them, I can figure out why reading Koontz in my 20's was like a breath of fresh air, but in my 30's it feels like when the air conditioner is some how making everything too cold, yet not cooling things down at all: uncomfortable and bafflingly frustrating.

Odd Thomas is a 20 year old fry cook in the small california desert town of Pico Mundo. He's seen as sweet but strange to all but a few people in town. He grew up with a mostly absent father, a crazy mother and a loving but wild grandmother, the last has already gone to the great beyond, so what family he has, he has found.

He has a girlfriend named Stormy, they've been together since they were sixteen, his boss at the Grill where he works, Terry, who has an encyclopedic knowledge of Elvis Presley, a 300 lb mystery writer named P. Oswald Boone (Little Ozzie), his landlady who is afraid she'll turn invisible, and the cheif of police.

Odd also sees ghosts, or The Lingering Dead as he calls them. He trys to help them crossover. Sometimes it's as simple as talking to them (though they don't speak back, "the dead don't talk")  oftentimes is complicated and dangerous. Hence why his close relationship with the cheif comes in handy and also why it formed. He has other gifts. The occasional prophetic dream that usually only gives him bits and pieces to work off of, he sees these spectors of calamity that tend to show up right before something bad happens (like an earthquake or a shooting) they are black shadow things that Odd calls Bodochs, and psychic magmatism, where  he can find anyone he's looking for by wondering around with a clear picture in mind.

Everyone in his circle knows about his gift other than his landlady who is slightly and gently insane.

There is one other person in his circle, the ghost of Elvis who Odd had been trying to help crossover since he was in highschool.

The first book takes place over the course of three days.

To avoid a blow by blow, I'll summarize. After an eventful morning during which he helped a murdered twelve year old cross over by catching her killer, Odd goes to his shift a the Grill. There, he sees a creepy little man that reminds him if a mold and fungus, followed by a group of Bodochs. He finishes his shift, goes looking for the guy he's dubed Fungus Man.

He eventually finds his way to Fungus Man's house, breaks in and finds it unnaturally cold and silent. He discovers a room that is pitch black except for a small red light. He soon finds that what has made this room so black and the house so cold and quiet is the mob of Bodochs occupying it. After the Bodochs stream out, Odd is able to see that the room is an office and Fungus Man (aka Bob Roberts) is obsessed with serial and mass murderers, he has a file cabinet full of folders on them and posters of famous murders on his wall. Bob seems to be planning something, but Odd doesn't know what, as his only clue is a planner page in a folder from the killer cabinet. The folder is labeled with Bob's name and the date is two days away.

A series of happenings eventually leads to odd trying to stop a horrifying plan

*SPOILERS STOP READING RIGHT HERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE END*

So, Bob is a satanist in cahoots with a couple of other satanists to shoot up and blow up the Pico Mundo mall, among other places. He is able to stop them from completing their goal, but some people do die, including Stormy who was working at an ice cream shop at the mall.

Forever Odd

It's months later and Odd has moved into Stormy's apartment. He wakes up to find the ghost of one of his best friends's stepdad at his bedside. Strangely, Danny, a guy with brittle bone disease, with whom Odd grew up, was not mentioned in the last book.

So, the ghost of Danny's stepdad convinces Odd to go to his and Danny's house. Once there, Odd finds stepdad's body and discovers that Danny has been kidnapped.

What follows is a slightly weird story.

Odd eventually finds Danny and his kidnappers. One is a bug-shit woman Danny was talking with on a phone sex line. To impress her he told her about Odd. She's into her own twisted form of the Vudun religion and decides that Odd can show her the lingering dead and wants him become one of her crew. She kidnapped Danny to lure him out.

Danny is rescued, bad guys defeated, and Odd decides he needs to get out of Pico Mundo for a while.

Brother Odd

Odd has spent the last several months at the St. Bartholomew's Abbey, in the California Mountains, as a lay visitor among the monks and nuns. The Abbey is also home to a a community of disabled children. Odd becomes  close with four people in particular The Mother superior, The Priest at the head of the monks, Brother Knuckles, an ex mob guy turned monk, and Brother John, a wealthy guy turned monk. Only the first three know of his gift.

Waiting up to see a snow storm break, Odd finds Brother Timothy unconscious or dead on the grounds. He is then clubbed on the back of the head and knocked out. A search for Brother Tim leads to a strange mix of science and the spiritual that I for one found really cool.

** SECOND SPOILER**

Elvis crosses over in this one and Odd contemplates becoming a monk. Two reasons I think that this should have been the last one. Another reason is that he comes very very close to connecting with Stormy though a conduit to the otherside. Third, this is the last book where Odd is truly Odd.

See, Odd hates guns and will only use one as a last resort. In the first, Odd takes out most of the bad guys with a baseball bat, in the second, bug-shit lady was killed by a cougar, the bad guy in this one was killed by someone else.

Although his ability to see and help the lingering dead is not the main focus of the second or the third, it's still something he does. There is character progression from the first to the third. When we meet Odd he is trying to carve out a life dispite his traumatic childhood and while trying to do right with the gifts he has. After he loses Stormy, the second commitment becomes more intense, because of his conviction that the only way he will meet Stormy on the other side is to live his life in the best way he can, and that means using his gifts to help people. He's sadder, slightly less heedful of danger, but still fully committed to flighting the good flight, in his unconventional way.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, in the fourth through the seventh, the train is derailed, possessed, and also on fire.

Not only does his primary gift take a back seat, but the fight he is flighting isn't between the forces of good and evil, or even between justice and injustice, it's a culture war.

And the side of the war that Odd is on is peopled with climate change deniers, dooms day prepers, anti-government people who supply other "good guys" with guns,  other anti-personnal gear, tech that circumvents federal guidelines. All the "bad guys" are anyone with any sort of power judges, lawyers, cops, corporations, politicians. Their victims are the hard working Americans, the waitresses, the truck drivers... Strike that. The victims are the Christian hardworking Americans who evedently are being "persecuted in their own country" (this might be a different rant for a different blog but I maintain that there is a big difference between Persecution and Denial of Entitlement. Persecution is being in danger of being harassed, hurt, killed or imprisoned for your beliefs, ethnicity or culture. And when that happens justice is less likely to happen for the person or people targeted. Denial of Entitlement is when a person, or people, cry injustice because they either can't dress up their persecution of others in their beliefs, or can't force those beliefs on others, through law, or through being amazingly obnoxious).

Not only are anyone in power corupt, they are satanists, not are they satanists, they are the same sect of satanists who attacked Pico Mundo, not only are they the same satanists that attacked Pico Mundo, they have an actual connection to Satan. Like they can call up demons and monsters.... Yet for some reason they still use bombs, guns and weponized diseases to wreak havoc.

Now, if Koontz wanted to showcase some characterization of how to fight against a corupt system, that's cool, I mean I'm all for calling out people in power. But this vears into government lizard people territory, and if that was the type of book he wanted to write then that's cool too,but he essentially highjacked Odd's story to do it.

I have a hard time believing that when Odd picked up the ghost of Frank Sinatra at the end of Brother, and walked off into the sunset, that the original intent was to end up in the middle of a plot to plant nukes around the country and then, accompanied by pregnant girl who is some how The Virgin Mary's mother, to a house where time travel is possible and mutant pigs fade in from a post apocalyptic future and want to eat people, where they pick up a sort of dead, sort of immortal child, who is neither of those any more. Only to then to leave them to go on a road trip with an old lady, who some how has connections to the metaphysical, and a microchip planted in her ass that makes it to where she doesn't have to sleep, to rescue kids kidnapped by the powerful satanists to be used as human sacrifice. Along the way, they meet up with some fighters in this coming war, who while they do not wear tin foil hats, they have the cheerfully bloodthirsty air of cult members waiting for the end times. (Side note about the roadtrip book: Deeply Odd is the most boring, yet weird book I have read since Breaking Dawn. Say what you will about the crazy pigs and time travel in Odd Apocalypse, it's at least interesting).

And then to end up back in Pico Mundo to fight said satanists. The in increasingly nonsensical plots really just there to deliver commentary on how the world has gone to shit and everyone is to focused on the material.

Again, remember that Odd is pretty apolitical. He's never voted, owns only the clothes on his back, prefers Shakespeare and old movies to tv, which I figure also includes the news. How does this not equal out to a kid being a patsy for this group, which essentially takes over the narritive. I mean, yeah, he's still doing his thing, but he has many of his moves ditcatated by this group. This includes carrying a gun, all the time.

Again, Odd hates guns. Granted, by the last book, he has spent three books killing people with guns while talking about how much he hates killing people with guns, but up till the last two books, his hatered of guns is seen as a virtue, and then suddenly, he's an idiot if he doesn't arm himself to take a piss.

This makes very little sense to me. Odd is a simple guy, he wants to live his life as long as he has to, do right by the dead and make his way back to Stormy, all the while perfecting his pancake recipe. How the fuck did we get from this to "Everything is shit, there are three type of people, those in power who are working for the devil, those on the side of the angels and the idiots who don't see what's going on. And dispite all the supernatural stuff, we still need to busta cap in someone's ass.

I know that Koontz is Catholic, and I speculate that he had a renewal of his faith somewhere, but also somewhere along the line he took a turn into conservative libertarian territory if that is a thing that can exsist.

I feel like originally, the idea was to have Saint Odd follow Brother Odd, at least in some incarnation. It makes sense, the satanist sect want to come back and finish what was started, and take out the town and Odd, who cocked it up to begin with. In the first book Odd describes Roberts and his cohorts as playing satanists but just using it as a delivery system for their sick want to kill people and be famous for it. It follows that others who are also playing at being satanists would come back to town to get revenge for their fallen brethren. This also trucks with Forever Odd where the bug-shit lady was playing at being a Vudun, and with Brother Odd where people played at being faithful.

This is how ai think it should have gone:

Odd goes from the Abbey, where he is shown, yet again, that evil is a human driven force, that those who wallow in pride, in want of adoration and perfection can be the down fall of themselves and others, back to his home town to defeate these sad delusional people once and for all.

Or

Odd goes home for Christmas at the end of Brother, decides he wants to take vows, and goes about the process of becoming a man of the cloth. Maybe he goes back to St. Bart's, and he figures out a way to help the lingering dead from there, or, after he is confirmed in whatever capacity, he goes back to Pico Mundo and works along side Stormy's priest uncle. He sort of Father Dowlings it until he passes.

Instead, suddenly the structured feel of all of the supernatural things, which (implied by the third book) are based in science and the laws and rules of the universe that God laid down, turns into... Magic?

Doesn't matter how or why, what matters is there is a war! And the little fry cook shall lead them!

Seriously. Five years of Christian School has me seeing the turn that Odd's story takes, a couple of ways.

First it is either an overworked Christ story, where Odd is swept up in a war between the oppressed and the opressers, even though his life and mission is mostly one of mercy. In the end being a sacrifice that saves millions (by preventing the spread out f a weponized strain of rabies) but his sacrifice will only be remembered by a handful of people at first. The difference is of course that Odd buys into the culture war even though it make no sense.

Or, it's a Saint's story. Struggle, strife and miracles. See, it use to be that to be canonized, you had to have three miracles. His miracles? Well, first, his helping of the dead to cross over could be one, the preventing of whatever demon the satanists summoned in Deeply Odd, could be another, and finally, somehow managing to send Little Ozzie the manuscript for Saint Odd after Odd himself had already died, could be the last.

Either way, books four, five, and six are completely unnecessary.

So why does knootz's writing annoy me? It's self righteous and condicending. Poking fun a people who watch tv, enjoy unsophisticated things, bemoaning those who don't see just how stupid it is to buy into media, and how people are just marching their own way to misery because they just don't Get It.

It's the same time of people who look down on adults who do kid stuff sometimes "Why would you read John Green when you can read Dickens? Why would you watch Inside Out when you can watch Citizen Cane?"

Why would you eat coco puffs? Adults don't do that!"

I'm sorry, have I outgrown fun? A book is a book, a movie is a movie, breakfast cereal is breakfast cereal and you should be able to watch anything you want on tv without being shamed by a book that has an exploding cow in it.

[imaginesinthewind]

Being Sam and Dean’s little sister would include...

A/N: This turned out to be much longer than I expected but after Game of Thrones last episodes, I needed to drown myself into my other favourite fandoms to forget all the disappointment. Enjoy! Feedback is much appreciated.

- There would be a big age difference between you and them

- You would probably have the same father but not the same mother

- John came to rescue you after your mother died. You were very little by then, only 2 or 3 years old and you barely remember it

- But when John brought you home with him and introduced you to your new brothers, they thought you were the cutest little thing ever

- They would often play rock scissors paper to decide who would take care of you

- John would be obsessed by his hunts and the need to find Mary's murderer, so Sam and Dean would be the ones who raised you

- At first, they tried to keep you away as much as possible from “the family business”

- Dean would be more like a father figure to you and Sam would be your best friend and best confidant

- Your brothers would be very overprotective, but Dean would be the most protective one. As the eldest of the Winchesters, he would feel highly responsible

- They would be so afraid to make the same mistakes than their father when it comes to raising you. So they would attach the greatest importance to educate you, being present as much as they could in your life, loving you and making you go to school on a regular basis, despite what your father would probably think about it

- But Dean would also teach you how to prank Sam very young, much to the annoyance of the latter

- They would always defend you, especially against your father

- "Dad, she's only 5!"

- "Sam, Dean, she has to know what is out there, lurking in the dark."

- When you learned about it, when you learned that the monsters Sam and Dean were telling you about in your bedtime stories were real, you were terrified.

- So you always ended up sleeping in Dean’s or Sam’s bed at night to avoid nightmares.

- You were 6 when Sam left to go to Stanford and it made you very sad. You thought your brother didn't love you anymore

- Dean was a bit mad at Sam for making his baby sis sad

- From that time, you would have a unique bond with Dean, because you knew he would never abandon you

- You actually cried when Sam came back and he promised not to leave you anymore

- Sam would be on your back all.the.time after what happened to Jessica. He would be terrified that the monster who killed his mother and his girlfriend would come back to kill his little sister

- Bobby would literally adore you and you would jump into his arms everytime you get to see him

- He would also be horrified by the junk food Sam and Dean make you eat all the time 

- So he would insist on babysitting you as much a he could to be able to cook you delicious dishes. He would also come to pick you up after school when Sam and Dean are away. 

- Multiple nicknames from your brothers, their favourite being "baby sis, baby girl, baby, kiddo, kid, sweetheart or buggy"

- When your father died, you weren't really affected. You had no daughter-father relationship with him. Sam, Dean and Bobby were your true family 

- But when Dean died and went to hell, you cried for weeks

- Sam was just as broken as you were so he left you at Bobby's, who couldn't find the words to comfort you either

- When Dean came back, you didn't believe it was him at first.

- You ran away from him all the time in the first hours and it hurt Dean

- But he ended up confronting you on why you kept running away from him

- "How can I be sure it's really you and not some kind of demon or monster who came to make us suffer?" Is what you answered him. 

- So Dean would start telling you memories of you and him with so much details that it convinced you little by little. (A/N: I wrote a oneshot about it! You can read it here :) )

- The more he kept talking and the more you cried.

- It was him, it really was. 

- You crushed into his arms and he would hold you so tight trying to comfort you.

- "I-I couldn't d-do it, Dean."

- "Do what, babygirl?"

- "Living without you. It-It was so difficult."

- When you met for the first time the angel who saved your brother, you jumped into his arms to thank him, making Castiel so very confused.

- He would call you "little human" and you would spend a lot of time with him explaining the way humans and your world work 

- In return, he would tell you multiple stories about everything; angels, heaven, History...

- Castiel would adore you and would be as protective of you as your brothers 

- Crowley would have a soft point for you too and he would try to hide it. He would fail, though.

- You would be Sam and Dean top priority, they would always put you first of everything.

- But many would know that you are their “weakness”. This is why they would train you and teach you how to defend yourself. Just in case.

- Your brothers hated it but you eventually grew up. 

- When you got your periods for the first time, you were so afraid that you locked yourself in the bathroom.

- Dean threatened to smash the door but Sam handled it better and finally got you to open it after long explanations. 

- Suuuuuper awkward visits to the gynecologist with your brothers.

- Dean trying to flirt with the gynecologist if it's a woman and you rolling your eyes

- "Really, Dean?"

- When you reached your teenage years, things became more complicated 

- You loved your brothers, you really did. But you needed more space and more independance as you entered highschool.

- You would try to sneak out of the bunker at night and it would drive Dean insane.

-”You can’t force me to stay inside, Dean!”

- “Like hell I can’t! My house, my rules kiddo.”

- Honestly, you would argue with Dean a lot and everytime you would do it, you would run to Sam.

- He would be surprisingly understanding. 

- When you started to go on dates, you tried to hide it from them.

- But Sam could read you like an open book and made you spit it. Much to your surprise, he was not angry at all. 

- “Why would I be angry? That’s what teenagers do, (Y/N). And despite what we do, I want you to fully live your life. I don’t want to take that away from you. So feel free to talk to me about those things, alright? You’re my little sister and I want to know what happens in your life.”

- But you didn’t want to tell Dean, for the life of you (and possibly the boy/girl you were dating), even if Sam was telling you that you’d eventually have to tell him. 

- You waited for months, and when you eventually confessed to him that you were dating someone, you expected him to be angry. But not that angry.

- “Believe me (Y/N), I know what boys/girls of your age have in their fucking mind, and you are way too young for this shit!”

- You ended up screaming at each other's and saying things to hurt the other that you both regretted afterwards

- You cried a lot. But after a long talk with Sam, Dean came back to you to apologize. 

- “You have to understand me, (Y/N). I have seen the worst of people and you are my baby girl. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything bad happened to you.”

- Tons of fluff follows

- He eventually agreed to let you go on dates, but only if he could see the girl/boy before.

- You would roll your eyes at his condition and whisper something about him being over dramatic all the time, but deep down, you knew it was because he loved you.

- When you were 18, things started to calm down with Dean.

- You would learn how to cook on your own and you would cook all the time for your brothers.

- They eventually accepted you on hunts, and even when they didn’t, you followed them anyway.

- You three would be inseparable and unbeatable. 

[mermaidsirennikita]

HIT MEEEEEEEEE WITH YOUR TOP 10 GAY OTPS

WELLL OOOOOOH WELLLL you know I have no brainspace so I’m listing those that are hitting me right NOW

EDIT: I also realize now that I totally read that as LGBT+ versus gay, so I included two ships here that feature trans people in relationships with people of the opposite gender, my bad!  But I’m editing on two more ships as we speak.

in no particular order lol

--Lito and Hernando in Sense8 (like to be FRANK this is probably #1 because I love that we saw them going thru so much; like actual legitimate relationship struggles that often stemmed from Lito’s issues; but then also dirty bathroom sex; and then 3way with Dani was just like this overflow of love and throuple confirmation lol)

--Nomi and Amanita (another STAAAAAND out for me, I absolutely love them, they were like the steady calm thru the storm couple but with such intense passion for one another)

--Miel and Sam from When The Moon Was Ours by Anna-Marie McLemore.  You probably don’t know this one because it’s a YA magical realism novel, but!  It’s!  One of my favorite!  Romantic arcs!  EVER!  So Miel is a Latina teenager and Sam is her best friend who happens to be a young trans man and the book basically kicks off with them having sex and kind of having to deal with that, plus some magical realism shit based on La Llorona and the fact that there are family things going on and other girls who want Sam (and this is never treated as like.  odd or unusual, Sam is just wanted like any hot teenage boy would be wanted by teenage girls) and it’s ACHINGLY beautiful.  I cried when I read this book.  Also McLemore is just a super great writer and most of her books either deal with Latinx characters and magical realism and LGBT+ issues or both, as she’s a queer Latinx woman irl and her husband is a trans man.  So you can sense the personal nature of this book and it just is BEAUTIFUL.

--Simon and Bram from Love, Simon.  My heart grew 3 sizes when we watched that movie, ugh.

--Callie and Arizona from Grey’s Anatomy.  And I know, TOXIC SHIT HAPPENED but this is such a classic epic TV romance for me.  I grew up on Grey’s and watching Callie discover her bisexuality was like this momentous thing on tv, and then even though she and Arizona had some serious.... bumps... along the road the idea they’re offscreen chilling with their bb Sofia and hopefully at least one new baby is lovely to me.

--Sissy and Vanya from The Umbrella Academy.  Like!!!!!!!!!!  Vanya’s s1 romance was soooo flat and I wanted more from her and then it turns out that she’s getting her Carol from the film Carol on at a FARM?  And the subtext of Vanya giving Sissy’s son her powers, which in a sense makes him Vanya’s superpowered son, so Harlan is Sissy and Vanya’s son, no matter what he literally has two moms, and their final scene had me crying actual tears.

--Agron and Nasir from Spartacus.  I know you haven’t seen this but like, the degree to which I was owned by these two, lol.  But the thing is that in a sense they were almost like?  A couple I didn’t worry about?  Because even though both were warriors and there was one time when someone was trying to COME UP ON AGRON’S MAN and they could die at any moment, they were so like?  Committed?  The most married of Spartacus couples?  Also had v. good sex scenes.

--Lucretia and Ilithyia, also Spartacus and I SOMEWHAT HESITATE TO INCLUDE THEM lol because they never have like.... sex onscreen.  But Lucretia is canonically bisexual and Ilithyia is pretty heavily implied to be into her (like... kisses her on the mouth all the time... professes her love all the time... tbh MOST of the characters on this show are implied to be pansexual).  So they’re like, fully evil characters who never have a pure love for each other, at all, but are obsessed with one another, and have this clearly fatal attraction wherein they both want to kill each other and can’t get enough of each other?  And I’ll own that the person Lucretia loves most is very obviously her husband but that only increases this idea that Ilithyia wants MORE of her?  But then when Lucretia is loyal to Ilithyia she wants to kill her?  They are my toxic wlw ship lol, basically the opposite of Agron and Nasir.

--Angel and Lil Papi from Pose.  Left field lol but due to quarantine, I watch Pose now, and these two snuck up on me???  Like I won’t say that they are like, great influences on each other but rn I’m very into them bc it’s some real authentic YOUNG LOVE shit.  For context Angel is a transgender model and he’s a bi hustler who’s taken in by the same house mother, and so they’re kinda just friends at first but he clear ADOOOOOORES her and slowly she falls in love with him too and they get hooked on drugs together but also he wants the best for her I sweeeear, the show has things I could take or leave but these twoooo.

--Jamie and Lord John, Outlander.  You never said this had to be totally canon but I’m trying to make everything at least one-sided canon or EXTREMELY heavily implied, and John is madly in love with Jamie, so.  I need them to fuck.  I need them to fuck so bad, with or without Claire, this could be the greatest like the levy broke for one night plot arc ever, like I honestly can interpret John as being totally in love with Jamie and Jamie having room in his heart for John even if it’s not like a consistent thing, I WANT IT.

--Darla and Drusilla, Buffyverse.  I’VE ALWAYS LOVED THIS.  Like we know it’s not this consistent relationship and the incestuous dynamic there is like, uh, a lot, but sometimes evil girls have to have fun, and as seen above I do love some evil girl content.

--Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune, Sailor Moon.  Lol this is a classic, I have loved them since I was 12 and now my 13 year old sibling loves them and models their overall sense of style after Uranus, I love it.

Is that 10?  Lol that’s where I’ll cut myself off for NOW, I know I’m missing shit we’ve probably discussed lol

[wtffundiefamilies]

Fundie Hogwarts sortings, 2020 edition

Because people are doing it on reddit and I’m bored.

Gryffindor:  

Josh - hear me out.  Slytherins are smart, resourceful, hard-working, often charismatic, and dedicated.  Hufflepuffs are loyal.  Gryffindors can be impulsive, loud, self-righteous and lacking self-awareness or the ability to see their own limitations.  If Josh were a Slytherin, he wouldn't have gotten caught or he would've been able to talk his way out of trouble.  He had ambitions because he thought accomplishing them would be easy.  He gave up as soon as things got hard.  While he did get everything he has because of his daddy, rather like Draco, and he is smug, heartless, uncaring asshole like some Slytherins are, he just doesn't have much else.  JKR would've put him in Slytherin, but I would not.  He’s too dumb and lazy. 

Jana - she's clearly doing her own thing and I do think there's some truth to putting herself between harm's way and the youngest kids.

Jinger - she saw what she wanted and took it.

Joy - she's still heavy in the cult but she's doing it her way and because it's what she wants.  I don't like her decisions but I believe that they're hers.

James - I mostly remember him as a rambunctious, impulsive, accidentally destructive little kid, tbh; I don't know much about him now.

Josie - she's grabbed life by the balls since birth.

Abbie - I take her  "considering going back to work" at face value for now.  She could just be saying it, but for now I'm going with "she means it.'  Honestly don't think she's interested in public opinion and would just go along with the cult if she wanted to or didn't care enough to fight it.

Lauren - no fucks given.  I can see Slytherin, because I get people saying she's passive-aggressive and arrogant, but I think it comes from a place of just no longer giving a shit.  Yeah, she appears to think she's better than her in-laws and those who worship them.  She's probably right, assuming she doesn't pick on her husband day and night.  She's a little self-absorbed and self-obsessed, but so are Gryffindors.  I think she's doing her best, not assuming she IS the best.

Israel - he's loving normal school, and seems like the kind of kid who would be popular, friendly and generally outgoing.

Henry - NO fear in this kid.

Slytherin:  

Jessa - she's pragmatic and not very emotional.  Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs don't fit that vibe, and while I don't think Jessa values wit or intellect, I also think she would, like, argue with the hat if it tried to put her in Ravenclaw because she would see them as too prideful for seeing themselves as witty and smart.  I feel like lowkey self loathing while outwardly appearing up your own ass is likely to be a Slytherin thing.

Jed - he's just a smug dick who's better at manipulation than Josh.

Jer- I feel like he's easily led, a Crabbe or Goyle type.

Jason - honestly just a vibe.  But not a successful or archetypal one, just kind of a douche who tries to work the system in his favor but doesn't aim high.  He seems like the sort of guy who is defaulted to Slytherin like nice but unimpressive kids are thought to get dumped in Hufflepuff.  

Derick - I still think he manipulated his way into the family deliberately, and I think he's very willing to step on people he doesn't care about to succeed, and manages to twist all criticisms and play the victim instead of really responding to them.  He reminds me a lot of Snape.  JKR would put him in Gryffindor, though.

Jeremy - he thinks he's a Ravenclaw.   He is not.  I think he values books because they make him look smart, not because he actually values knowledge or intelligence.  And I think he tells Jinger about his "temptations" to affect her behavior/appearance and clean his conscience, even if he's not doing this consciously.  And the fact that he likes Jinger for not being someone who looks at situations too deeply/critically...wow red flag for being deceitful.Austin - I think he's a wolf in sheep's clothing, who genuinely believes in everything he does and supports.  He appears less harmful because he "lets" Joy act a certain way.  But he genuinely believes in some deeply dangerous ideas.   

Ravenclaw:  

Johannah - I'll never forget that she taught herself to read at age 3 because no one else was teaching her.  

Jennifer - she just strikes me as a smart kid who would probably love reading and learning if she had more of a chance to do so. 

 Spurgeon - I think he seems unusually intelligent and a bit quirky.  I see Slytherin potential too though.

Hufflepuff:  

John, Joe, Justin, Anna - they seem well-intentioned but dim-witted, and too mellow to be Gryffindors.

Jill - I  think she believes in putting others first.

Jackson - he seems like a kind, helpful, caring person.

Jordyn - she's off on her own little planet, and so sweet.

Ben - look we all know this is the stoner house.

Kendra - I mean this seems obvious.

Hatstall: Josiah (Gryffindor/Slytherin)

No clue about Claire, Anna's kids or the very little kids.

[glassprism]

Since you're also in other fandoms, are there any ships/pairings you like? Who's your favourite pairing in POTO? Who are your favourite characters (from POTO to all your other fandoms) and why? Ooh, here's a rather unusual one: who's your favourite side character (name one for all your fandoms!) and why?

Yeah, definitely! Though whether some can be counted as actual “ships” is debatable, as you’ll see in a bit.

For Phantom, my favorite “ship” is the love triangle - E/C/R. Not in a polyamorous, threesome way, but one where I love the dynamics of the characters, the way they affect one another, the ways Erik and Raoul are similar and different. So it’s not quite a “ship” in a traditional sense where I want characters to end up with each other, but more in the sense that I like to explore and analyze them.

As for other “ships” or pairings, I’m just going to list, like, every fandom or random-ass thing I’ve ever loved in semi-chronological order (time to go back to my middle school fandoms!). Under the cut for length.

Harry Potter: Sirius Black and Harry Potter. I adored the godfather-godson bond between the two (absolutely no romance; I clicked on an mpreg fic of the two when I was but a wee lass of twelve and it scarred me): how Harry was the last living reminder of Sirius’s best friend, whose death he still feels responsible for; how Sirius is the parental figure Harry wanted, how they were never able to be happy god damn it Rowling. (You can imagine how much my eleven year old self cried when I read the fifth book. Oh boy, the tears.)

Star Wars: Vader and Luke. Again, totally familial, father-son relationship only. (Speaking of scarring experiences, I once stumbled on a romance fic between the two, where yes, both of them were still father and son, and I have that summary etched into my brain permanently.) The way Vader obsessively hunts down Luke, the first emotional connection he has had with a person in literal decades! The way Luke has just ached all his life for a father figure, to the point where he will take a homicidal Sith lord if that’s who he is! How he never gives up on trying to redeem him! How Luke is right. Loud screeching.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Will Turner and Bootstrap Bill and Will Turner and Henry Turner. More sad father-son dynamics (you may be noticing a pattern here). Repeat what I said with the Star Wars relationships, only with more pirates and less homicide. (And way more parental abandonment guilt.)

Halloween: Michael Myers and Laurie Strode,  remake universe. Yet again, no romance, just a severely messed-up brother-sister relationship. I can’t begin to tell you why I like the horrific relationship between a serial killer and the little sister he was so obsessed with he ruined her life, completely traumatized her, and ended up leading to her death, but I do. Maybe it’s the dark obsession aspect of it, that in the midst of all his murders, there’s still one person Michael Myers longs to have a connection with, the baby sister who represented total innocence in his mind. Maybe it’s the “what could have been” aspect too, as Laurie never recognizes him or realizes their connection until it’s far too late. Maybe I need to re-examine my life choices. I’ll figure it out someday.

Bat Boy The Musical: Bat Boy/Shelley. Yes, this is a romance; yes, they are half-brother and half-sister, yes, you can get on me about this, but in my defense how about you watch the musical and NOT come out of it shipping these two against all your better instincts.

POTO: E/C/R, as stated above and for all those reasons. Oh, and you know what - The Phantom and Gustave from Love Never Dies. Can’t get away from those father-son ships. I actually care about that relationship than E/C or R/C in LND (maybe because both E/C and R/C suck in the sequel so what else am I going to latch onto).

Batman: Listed here, but my heart really lies with three ships. Jaytim is the first: it’s the whole “angry woobie destroyer of worlds who hates everyone meets seemingly well-adjusted and cheerful individual who is secretly hiding their own issues” dynamic. Bane/Talia from The Dark Knight Rises is the second. Doesn’t matter if it’s familial, friendship, protector and protectee, or romantic, I eat it up, and to be fair, it’s never explicitly stated what the relationship is in the movie. All we know is that the two grew up together in a hellhole prison, probably dependent on and solely trusting only one another, and that bond continues even after they leave, and not even death will make them leave one another. Finally, we have Jason Todd/therapy from the Arkham games. Because the poor guy needs it.

MCU: STEVE/BUCKY (aka Stucky). This ship (again, could be friendship or romantic) dominated my thoughts for four years. Steve’s fish-out-of-water status! Bucky’s horrific imprisonment under Hydra. The way the two find each other after and the angst. The fact that Steve refuses to kill Bucky and, even after seventy years, succeeds in breakthing through to him because their connection runs that deep. The fact that Marvel just ruined this relationship so now I have to rely on fanfic. Oh yes, and I also slowly fell into the Kastle ship (Frank Castle aka The Punisher and Karen Page). Another “hardened killer with sad backstory who connects to idealistic young woman with hidden darkness” dynamic.

Terminator: T-800 aka “Uncle Bob” and John Connor. Returning to sad father-son dynamics, I have this from Terminator 2. A robot learning emotions! A boy learning to take his place as a leader and all-loving hero. The bond they form, partially because the T-800 will do nothing else but protect John and partially because John has no father-figure of his own, so his robot bodyguard will do. THE ENDING.

ASOIAF/GOT: I actually have very few ships from here other than Arya/Gendry (and only when they’re older) and, weirdly, Theon/Sansa from the show. The Gendrya ship is just cute, it may well be the most wholesome ship on here, while Theonsa has shades of Stucky in it, I suppose, given that Theon has been tortured so badly he can barely remember his own name, until Sansa turns up and reminds him enough that he breaks out of it to help her.

Favorite characters from each of those:

Harry Potter: My favorite characters from here are probably more side characters, so I’ll just say Hermione Granger. Her focus on academics, fear of failure, and conviction that the library holds all the answers, felt all too reminiscent of myself.

Star Wars: Darth Vader,  no contest whatsoever. Cool mask, cool cape, cool lightsaber, and the absolute worst life one can imagine.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Interestingly, Will Turner. Yeah, I guess Jack Sparrow is cool and Elizabeth is absolutely awesome to watch and has the greatest change in the series, but oh-so-serious Will, with his deep loyalties and slow slide into moral ambiguity because of those loyalties, fascinates me.

Halloween: Laurie Strode, all versions. My favorite final girl, my survivor of trauma (except in the remake, where, well, she doesn’t survive). Also, her daughter in the Thorn trilogy, Jamie Lloyd, the most tragic little girl to walk across a horror movie screen.

Bat Boy The Musical: Ah, wow, haven’t thought about this. I guess Bat Boy and Shelley, more by default than anything.

POTO: Christine Daae, no contest. Love her character, love her arc, love her songs, love her costumes.

Batman: Listed here.

MCU: Bucky Barnes (unless he counts as a side character), but I also love Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, Karen Page, Elektra Natchios... and I’ll leave it at that.

Terminator: John Connor. (There’s a reason I haven’t watched Dark Fate yet... or ever.)

ASOIAF/GOT: Three of them! Daenerys Targaryen, who I love because she tries so hard to rule well, who is so observant and cognizant of the things going on around her. Then Sansa Stark, who makes such astounding growth, who retains her empathy and compassion throughout, who is capable of startling perception and insight which most others underestimate. And finally, Cersei Lannister. She’s terrible. I love her.

And favorite side characters from each of those:

Harry Potter: Sirius Black may well have been my first fictional crush. But Remus Lupin is the kind of person (and teacher) I aspire to be.

Batman: I swear, depending on the comic series or movie, everyone is a side character. I’ll just link to my old ask again.

Star Wars: Batman syndrome all over again; every character in Star Wars might be a side character elsewhere, and every side character gets to be the main character of their own comic, book, movie, etc. Erm... I really liked Rose from the sequel trilogy and Chirrut Imwe from Rogue One. I find Mara Jade from the Legends universe fun to read. WAIT I GOT IT - Queen Amidala’s handmaidens from Episode I (Sabe, Rabe, Eirtae, Yane, Sache). Highly trained in both politics, decorum, and weaponry, able to be utterly nondescript or the Queen’s decoy at the drop of a hat? I love.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Hmm... you know what, I thought Syrena the mermaid was pretty cute.

Halloween: Rachel Carruthers! Your typical girl-next-door but well done and with a touching relationship with her foster sister. I will die mad about her death in the fifth movie.

Bat Boy The Musical: Uh.... I’ll get back to you on this...

POTO: Carlotta is super fun.

MCU: Oh heck, Dottie Underwood. (My taste in female characters goes like this: a) intelligent and observant, 2) sweet and compassionate, 3) batsh*t insane. She’s the third.)

Terminator: Not sure how much of a side character she is, but Kate Connor. Wife and second-in-command to John Connor, able to heal wounds and kick butt depending on what the movie requires.

ASOIAF/GOT: I’ll probably think of someone else, but you know what? Queen Rhaenys Targaryen, younger sister and wife to Aegon the Conqueror, whom he wed out of desire. Playful, spirited, loved to fly, sponsored musicians, initiated reforms for the smallfolk, what’s not to love? (Apart from one possibility of her death... but we don’t talk about that.)

[lateasalways]

(Damn, I had to make a new post because something weird happened to the cut when I edited, it went into the ask itself and isn’t working and I can’t fix it lmao, sorry!) 

Anon asked:

it would be interesting to me if you made a post about the elton books you have read. like how they differ and your opinion on them. ive only read Me but im interested in finding some other reads

Hi!  I’m sorry this took so long, I’ve suddenly been CRAZY busy with work now that there’s proper concerts happening again (and yay for that), but Anon, you have no idea how much I would like to answer that question and I’ve been thinking about it all week lmao, I think it’s super interesting to look at the differences between them. So of course I went amok and wrote way too long so just bare with me.

I’ve read 5 books in full and I’ve listed them in the order in which I read them.

1. Me by Elton John. You’ve all read that so I don’t have to explain it. It was the first one I read and my fav thing about it is how funny it is, and of course it’s very personal and therefore more emotional than some of the others. I absolutely love it and I honestly haven’t read a book that has engaged me so much in yeeeeaars, I would recommend that book to anyone, not only Elton fans.

2. Captain Fantastic by Tom Doyle. This book focuses on the 70s (but also includes his childhood/youth). I thought it was a great supplement  to Me, because many of the same stories are in there, but since the time span is shorter, it’s more detailed, and we get to hear other people’s versions of the events. What I particularly found interesting is the part about Elton breaking through in America. He’s always described it as sheer luck and being at the right place at the right time himself, and I’m sure that’s his experience of it, but that’s not what happened. I find that extremely fascinating. Here we get to hear from his first American label who basically got Empty Sky for free because it had been rejected by many others. Before they got the chance to release it Elton John came out which is obviously a step up production wise and they dropped everything and started pushing that album instead. Everyone at the label thought it was so great they really went all in with the promotion and managed to create a hype even though he was a complete unknown and that’s how he got the Troubadour gig. This book in several ways I think show that Elton is too humble when it comes to his talent, like you don’t get to headline over established and popular artists before the most important people in the industry as an unknown by sheer luck. It happened because the album was so great, the label were convinced he was going to be a star and they went for it. I really liked the book in general. Even though there is no shocking new info there, it shines a different light on several stories from Me which I find very interesting.

3. Sir Elton by Philip Norman. This book is about his life up until 1991 and it’s really long and super detailed, like some impressive work went into this one. (I listened to the audio book on scribd as they had a 30-day free trial because of corona, I don’t know if that’s still an offer but if it is I really recommend it.) It’s  a bit weird because on one side the author managed to detail and capture Elton’s personality SO well (he’s said so himself too) and the way he writes makes some of the stories so vivid it almost felt like watching a movie. I actually found myself getting as emotional as I did reading Me at several points, like I literally shed tears here and there. But then on the other side, there are several things that bothers me a lot about this book. First of all it seems like Norman for some reason think Stanley was a great father and is trying to convince us that Elton is wrong about everything he’s said about him. Like, why? He’s clearly talked a lot with his 2nd wife Edna and her perspective is obviously very different from Elton’s. But some of his points are just really weird like f.x. he says that Elton says his dad didn’t care about him but this is wrong because he actually had a framed photo of him in his room when he was in the RAF. Like….????? How does that prove anything? As long as Elton didn’t know about it, it means fuck all! You don’t get a gold star because you keep a framed photo of your only son wtf? Another example: One Christmas after the divorce Elton didn’t get a present or a card or anything. But this was because they had very little money and their new son was ill. Well that’s sad, but Elton didn’t know that? You could at least have called and explained it or just sent a card to let him know you were thinking of him too? The whole problem is that he didn’t SHOW that he loved him or was proud of him, he can have as many framed photos he likes but that doesn’t matter when you never show any kind of affection. Another example cause I’m on a roll: Edna says Elton in fact enjoyed his visits to them (which he himself has said he hated) she says he used to sit alone and play with their typewriter. That sounds sad AF??? Why are you trying to convince me this is great parenting? I know it was a different time but fuck! One thing I do believe though is that Sheila probably helped along the narrative that Stanley was awful, I think it’s very likely that she has exaggerated or even made up stories about him, but that’s not Elton’s fault. Another downside with the book (imo) is that Norman is apparently the world’s biggest fan of Dick James and there’s just sooo much boring stuff about Dick James there, I’m sorry but when he starts talking about Dick James I recommend you fast forward. The whole point is to set up the court case between him and Elton that happened in the 80s (in which he clearly thinks Dick was in the right) but I’m just not interested in that at all. If you are though, this is the book for you lol. Then there’s the things the author got wrong. First of all, he didn’t know about Elton’s drug use which is quite essential. Although you can easily read between the lines of what the interviewees are saying, so it’s not that distracting. Second, he seems to believe that Elton is actually bisexual which he obviously isn’t (and before I get accused of bi-erasure, he has said so himself time and time again that he’s never been interested in women and his coming out as bi in 76 was a “chicken out”) and it really bothered me cause it reads a bit homophobic to me as he seems to believe Sheila when she said that he “wouldn’t have been gay if it weren’t for show business.” So I’m a bit conflicted about this book. It has more negatives than the others but the good parts are SO SO GOOD. I would be very interested in hearing other people’s opinions about it.

4. Elton John by David Buckley. Another one I listened to on Scribd. This is a quite new one so certain things have come to light which makes it more accurate. It’s another book that didn’t have  a lot of groundbreaking new information, but he’s for some reason the only one who’s talked to Gary Osbourne and he has a lot of interesting things to tell. I think Gary deserves more credit and he was very close to Elton in a very interesting part of his career/life so it’s worth reading for that. This book is also about his whole life but way shorter than Sir Elton so obviously not as detailed, but there’s some fun stuff and new anecdotes in there.

5. Elton, my Elton by Gary Clarke. Gary was Elton’s on/off boyfriend between 1982 and 83 (ish) and obviously knows him in a way these other authors don’t. I was a bit unsure about reading this as I think it’s a bit tasteless to expose someone to that extent (and he goes into some seriously intimate details), but otoh I felt like it was kind of the missing puzzle piece so I bought it in the end (on ebay) and I can’t really say if it actually answered the questions I had or just gave me more. I thought Elton was weird before reading this and it certainly didn’t make me think he’s any less weird. It starts kind of cute, it almost reads like one of those self-insert popstar fanfics at first (not that I’ve ever purposely read any of that but you know, it’s hard to be on tumblr without stumbling upon that stuff now and again) but then it gets really dark. Which is because Elton apparently was clean when they first met but then after some time he started spiraling, so it’s just… it actually made me a bit nauseous tbh and it’s so frustrating too, I genuinely yelled “Elton, no!” out loud at one point lmao. But I have already talked at length about this book, particularly what I found disturbing about it and you can find that post here. If you’re interested in reading this book though, you should be warned there’s some rapey content, (though to be clear, that has nothing to do with Elton) and dubious consent.

So anon, since you’re looking for some further reading, these are all good and interesting books I think. It’s a bit hard to say which one I liked best because obviously, for every book I read there’s less new info. But then all of the books have stories I hadn’t heard before so they’re all worth reading if you’re crazy obsessive like me and wants to know absolutely everything lol. I really enjoyed reading all of them (well enjoy isn’t the right word for Gary’s book but yk.) so I guess you should just consider what sounds more interesting to you and go for that :) If you take away the negatives I think Sir Elton is probably the one I enjoyed the most, while Elton, my Elton is the most revealing. Elton John is more complete while Captain Fantastic is really good if you’re more interested in the 70s and his breakthrough.

Thank you so much for the ask! I hope you found what you were looking for and enjoy some further reading! To anyone else who might be reading this: if you have thoughts on any of these books or things you want to discuss, please, my inbox is open! :D

[fivefeetfangirl]

Books and Fics to read

Okay so since almost all of us are home because of the corona virus, I want to recommend some books and fics for you guys to read. The fanfiction will be Johnlock because that’s mostly what I read.

First, the books. The first book I want to recommend is Wolf by Wolf by Ryan Graudin. I’m not kidding, this is my favorite book of all times, it has everything, action, history, romance, adventure, fantasy, dystopian, horror, the book is so good. It’s about this girl, Yael, in the year 1956. Hitler has won the war, and Yael’s mission is to kill Hitler. I won’t say more, you’ll have to read the book. It has a sequel, Blood for Blood, which is also very good.

The second book I will recommend is Simon vs the Homosapiens agenda, by Becky Albertalli, if you haven’t read that already. It’s a really heartwarming book about Simon falling in love with this boy over email and his coming out story.

The third recommendation is a series, BZRK, by Michael Grant. This series messed me up for real. It’s very grotesque, and is definetly in the horror genre. It’s about two twin brothers who want to turn the world into some kind of utopia, and the only people who can stop them is a group of teenagers. It’s been some time since I read this serier, but I remember being so scared and suprised every time I turned the page. 

The fourth recommendation is Turtles all the way down by John Green. I learned so much about mental illness from this book, and how people with mental illness think and cope. The story follows Aza Holmes, and her life. She is trapped in a spiral of bad thoughts. The book is mainly about her life dealing with these thoughts, but topics as friendship and romance are also included.

The last recommendation is also a book by John Green, Looking for Alaska. This book is not that long, I read it in two days. It’s about Miles Halter, a teenage boy who is leaving his home to attend a school in Alabama. He is obsessed with last words, and the last words of François Rabelais (”I go to seek the Great Perhaps”) is the main drive of the book. On his new school Miles meet new people, including Alaska. Miles and his friends have a lot of fun, but they also use a lot of their time to discuss philosophical questions. And if you read this book you can watch the series afterwards. 

Over to fanfiction! All of this is Johnlock, because I found out that Johnlock is the pairing I am most comfortable with. And I just love Johnlock so probably that to.

The first one is What to do When Your Flatmate is Homicidal by hyacinth_sky747. The writing is so funny, and the story is sweet and very joyous. It follows John and Sherlock and their everyday life. This is one of the best fics I have read, I laughed so much.

The next one is for the binge reader. The Quiet Man by ivyblossom (which most fans have probably read already). This is very long, and it might seem boring to someone, but the build-up was definetly worth it. It is so angsty, I guarantee you, you will cry. The story is about John coping with Sherlocks death and his return. 

This is my all time favorite fic, Northwest Passage by kryptaria. John lives in a cabin in Canada, and when Mycroft Holmes asks him to do a favor, he can’t say no. This leads to John and Sherlock living in a cabin all alone in the middle of the forest. The first Johnlock fic my sister (@opheliathegreekgoddess ) read was this, and she is really angry at me for letting her read the best fic because now all the others would seem bad. 

This fic is a case-fic, it is really interesting and I love it. Midnight Blue Serenity by BeautifulFiction is about John and Sherlock investigating a drug case in a club. It’s not just a good Johnlock fic, but this case was realy tricky (or I’m just dumb). It was fun to read, and the storylines are well though out. 

Performance In a Leading Role Mad_Lori is an AU, one of the best I have read. Sherlock and John are actors, and when they get cast in a movie about a gay couple their friendship begin. It sounds cliché, but the plot is actually not boring at all. The filming of the movie is not the main plot, but how their friendship evolves after the movie is the main plotline. I like how this fic describe the celebity-life, it is not always easy and, and both John and Sherlock experience that.  

Words Unspoken by Thorntonsheart is about Sherlock teaching John to dance before his wedding. I loved how Sherlocks feelings were expressed in this fic. It’s not long, so I would recommend this if you’re looking for something short to read.

The Norwood Love Builders by flawedamythyst is another case fic. John and Sherlock must go undercover as a couple to solve a murder. It is kind of cliché, but I enjoyed the story because of all the fluff (hihi)

Hope you all enjoy your time at home, remember to relax, and for the thousandth time, wash your hands <3

[siriusist]

3, 7, 9, 15, 18

booknet ask game (Apologies for the delay!):

3. what was the last book you rated 1/5? 

Probably this horrific and justifiably priced 0.25 cent paperback I got from the library book sale. I care so little about the title I’m not even going to bother getting up to look at it, but basically it was somehow involving a mystery on a liner heading to New York, and The Kennedys circa 1941 when Joe (’God what a terrible person’) Kennedy was ambassador to England (And casual Nazi supporter/isolationist, lovely).

But the book promises you that it will mostly talk about Rosemary Kennedy as a character. Which I liked, because in case you don’t know, Rosemary Kennedy was JFK’s sister who was considered the ‘prettiest’ of all the Kennedy girls, but also constantly was on a diet because she ‘put on weight easily’ (Poor girl), and because she was seen as ‘simple.’ Supposedly when she was in her early twenties, she had the mental capacities or a naive thirteen year old/ writing level of an eight year old. They kept basically shoving her into boarding schools to try to push her forward in terms of education, but obviously when she most likely had something like a severe case of autism, there weren’t exactly many programs that directly addressed those who were learning disabled, and being a Kennedy, they most likely were like PUSH HER THROUGH IT AND SHE’LL BE FINE (Great, thanks guys).

All this being said, there is proof in terms of letters that basically everyone was afraid, because once she became a teenager, she started running away from these schools or sneaking out late at night, and they were literally worried because of how ‘naive’ she was, that she’d end up getting pregnant by some weirdo guy forcing himself on her/ convincing her to have sex. What most normal people/historians think now, is that she saw her brother being John F. Kennedy, El Primo Playboy of the World 1941, dating movie stars and having a buttload of friends (As my older brother used to say), and she obviously wanted to be involved in this glamorous, fun life with the rest of her family, rather than shoved away at some crappy boarding school with nuns the age of time immemorial (Understandable). (Also, for what it’s worth, JFK basically WAS a great older brother, for what I’ve heard, and wanted his parents to loosen up on her. He involved her in his social groups if she was around and never pushed her into anything that someone with her ‘limitations’ might be hurt by).

So of course the natural thing would be to do is to give her a lobotomy so she doesn’t run away, and of course, it had some horrific side effects and basically killed her personality entirely from all accounts, making her basically a human vegetable with only a shadow of the person she’d been before. After that Joe ‘I’m the Worst’ Kennedy carted his daughter off, and debatably, depending on who you ask, she was basically ignored by most of the family for 60+ years of her living in a care home, or embraced in private (The Kennedy message/propaganda/nice try guys). There’s really only consistent public photos of Ted Kennedy visiting her, because besides the whole ‘I accidentally murdered a woman I was having an affair with’ thing, Ted was the baby and seemed actually like ironically the most ‘Christian’ in the most broadest sense of the word besides Bobby Kennedy (Yes, I know they’re Catholic, it’s an analogy).

So bringing this back to this awful book, the ‘mystery’ on the cruise liner shit basically seemingly revolves around Rosemary pre-lobotomy and how she wants to get married to a ‘coloured jazz man.’ BUT THIS NEVER FACTORS INTO THE PLOT. NONE OF THE HISTORICAL FIGURES ABOARD DO EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE ‘POV’ CHAPTERS ASIDE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS.

You heard me right. xD I KNOW IT’S THE 1940S IN THE BOOKS AND THERE’S FAR WORSE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE AND THE JAZZ MAN IS NICE AND ALL BUT DAMN IT’S SORT OF THE WORST, BECAUSE THEY BASICALLY MAKE THIS THE ENTIRE REASON FOR HER LOBOTOMY AND WHILE THEORETICALLY IT WOULD FIT IN WITH JOE’S MOTIVATIONS HISTORICALLY, IT JUST CAME OFF AS SUPER SKEEZY AND UGH. Mostly the book A) Actually did a considerable job giving Rosemary a sweet and loving personality that you like, but considering what you know if you’re probably reading this book and how they’re just dropping bread crumbs the entire way through, it’s just incredibly morbid and bleh. 

If you’re going to write historical characters and fiction well, at least have something more to back it up than ‘Racism was more (outwardly) prevalent back then so she was going to be in an interracial relationship so lobotomy.” It just came off as conflating two important issues (The rights of the learning disabled to date and have families of their own, and interracial romances versus status in society), and just came out to justify it for a lobotomy we never even see. (Trust me, I’m making it sound far more interesting than it is).

Plus the mystery on the liner is the main aspect of the story, and I think that’s what makes it the worst: This author just chose to have these random historical figures on BECAUSE, and considering Rosemary’s background and what we know happened to her, it just seemed like a pretty desperate ploy to reel people in (like myself), and have them go, “Wait, this is just a sub-par mystery book, not a historical mystery book: She used that whole actual living person who existed and who was screwed over by her own family as ‘shock value’ and a ‘hook’ for the audience.” Double EW.

7. what was the last book that made you cry? 

Indian Horse by Richard Wagamese, who is unfortunately no longer with us but a BEACON of Canadian Literature, and I'm SO sad he didn’t get to write more books, because his writing style is BEAUTIFUL and poetic.

“Saul Indian Horse is an alcoholic Ojibway man who finds himself the reluctant resident of an alcohol treatment centre after his latest binge. To come to peace with himself, he must tell his story. Richard Wagamese takes readers on the often difficult journey through Saul's life, from his painful forced separation from his family and land when he's sent to a residential school to the brief salvation he finds in playing hockey. The novel is an unflinching portrayal of the harsh reality of life in 1960s Canada, where racism reigns and Saul's spirit is destroyed by the alienating effects of cultural displacement.”

What you also don’t get about the book from this review, is the role hockey plays as being central to the narrative. In that moment, and when Saul is young, inside his own head, he is just what we as the reader see him as: A young boy who loves a sport and finds it freeing. A PERSON. A kid who loves hockey. 

He’s so good that he has a chance to make it to the NHL. He’s good enough to play on the ‘white teams,’ but when he starts beating white players, grown men and women throw things at him, like plastic ‘Indians’ from a ‘Cowboy and Indian’ set. 

He is a skilled player. He has raw talent. But to make it to the next level, and because they won’t let him be on the team in any other role, because a Native man can’t become a skilled star in 1960s Canada, he has to become a ‘goon.’ There’s actually a moment in the book where he snaps, and it’s so well written and heartbreaking, where it’s like this Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde dynamic inside of him, where he literally just goes, “Okay? You want me to be a bloodthirsty ‘Indian’? Then I’ll be that for you.”

There’s also a movie I haven’t had the guts to watch all the way through, because I tried watching it on a plane ride from Australia to Canada without actually having read the book first, and having no idea what the movie was about aside from hockey and Indigenous culture, and Jesus Christ IT KILLED ME. I’m terrible at flying, had been throwing up and thoroughly miserable for about three hours at that point on the plane, tried to turn on a movie to distract myself, and within ten minutes, I was like “No, I think sticking to the vomiting is justified.” (To give you an idea of the directing style, it’s bizarrely produced by uber-Republican yet ‘weirdly-obsessed with Indigenous people’ movie star Clint Eastwood. If you’ve seen his other films and how sparse and depressing they can be, you can only IMAGINE what this material lends itself to. So I’d really stick to reading the book first. Because Wagamese’s voice is so much stronger within the book, and the pain and horror poor Saul is exposed to serves a purpose within the larger narrative much more clearly, and even when he is an alcoholic, he still is able to find hope within himself and returning to his people, and that’s a beautiful thing that I think was lost in the portions of the film I was able to catch.) Check it out: It was only written in 2012, but it’s already being heralded as a ‘classic’ in Canadian Indigenous Literature.

9. do you actually check out books that have been recommended for you?

I do. I might not actually READ them, but I’ll at least check out a snippet on Amazon to see if it’s my cup of tea. So if anyone has any recommendations, go right on ahead <3

15. how do you feel about reading buddies?  

I would love a reading buddy! <3 Feel free to message me if you’re keen. <3

18. what was your favourite book when you were 10?

Probably something by Roald Dahl or The Hobbit, if we’re talking sheer escapism or enjoyment (Or the original run of Harry Potter). My Dad is an English teacher, so I was always reading older books than were probably age-appropriate (I was placed at a college-reading level at twelve on an assessment test), so other than that, a lot of classic literature: Just name it, I’ve probably read it. 

I also was a nerd who decided to read the entire dictionary back to front somewhere around this time and copy down all the words I actually didn’t know on a list, so that was a hobby. xD I guess I could count that as a ‘favourite book.’ (-Insert Homer Simpson “NEEeeeRRRddddd” gif here-).

[nightwingshero]

Claws and Fangs Chapter 3

It had been a couple weeks since the incident in Holland Valley, and I had settled at the station as the newest deputy. I couldn’t exactly complain, I lucked out enough to land Joey Hudson as my partner instead of Pratt. I’ve done more observing than anything as we stayed close to the Henbane and Whitetail region. It made me a bit skittish, wondering what could possibly be in those mountains. Pratt said that when it came to human day-to-day, there was leniency. But that was about it and it didn’t apply to just anyone. I felt there was something just under the surface that I wasn’t aware of, something everyone kept in the shadows.

But we were currently on our way to break up a small dispute. Two conspiracy theorists were causing trouble, and so we were sent out to check up on it. I wasn’t sure exactly where we were going, having only been familiar with the majority of the Henbane region. Climbing up in Hudson’s beat up sheriff’s truck wasn’t something I would’ve ever seen myself doing, and I almost laugh at myself.

“So, where’s this bar again?” I asked as I buckled my seatbelt.

“Holland Valley. Not too far from here. We haven’t really ventured out that way yet, but there’s hardly ever trouble out that way. Less crazies in the valley versus up North.”

“Mmm.” I tap my black-painted fingernails against my leg as I looked out the window. I would beg to defer, but I didn’t say a word, Hudson being unaware of what ran in the darkness of Holland Valley. I was nervous, worried that the second I crossed that damn line, that he would be there, waiting. I knew it was ridiculous, that I was overreacting. But how many wolves would allow a rogue to continue crossing into their territory and show fang without consequences?

It doesn’t take long before we cross the bridge. My wolf stirs, but she stays quiet, understanding that this isn’t the time or place. I do my best to ignore the rush of adrenaline, to fight the urge to just run. It’s exhausting, fighting her more than I ever had before. I felt guilty for it, but I believed it was in our best interest, to keep us both safe.

Hudson turns on the main road, and my eyes widen a bit at the scene as we pull into Fall’s End. Cars are everywhere, as if there’s a celebration going on. People are walking around, the bar looking as if it is overflowing with people. Anxiety begins to set in as I can already tell this is going to be overwhelming. Hudson’s chuckle draws my attention, and I watch as she shakes her head and parks of the side a bit further away from the bar.

“Fucking John Seed.” She muttered with a smirk. “Should have known he’d show his face here.”

“John Seed?” I asked, the name vaguely familiar with me. It felt, and sounded, weird falling from my lips, and Hudson nodded, then motioned ahead of us. I see the back of a dark-haired man standing next to a black mustang. I tisk as I read his personalized license plate reading JSEED. The arrogance behind it was enough to baffle me, my mouth twisting a bit. I almost find it amusing at the trench coat he’s wearing, but I can’t make out much else, other than he’s accompanied by a woman and a male, all laughing together merrily.

“Yeah, him and Adelaide Drubman are good friends. They deal with real estate, him being a lawyer and her being an agent, so they work together often. They’re pretty tight.”

I remembered then that Addie had mentioned something to Rowan and me about him, but I never dug into it. He didn’t really seem relevant or important enough to. “Addie suggested us moving to the Henbane to avoid him.” I replied, throwing her a questioning look.

Hudson laughed. “Yeah, because that’s her territory. She doesn’t let him in easily, she has dibs. She works under the table now and then, for those who need it. We kinda look the other way, because honestly, we know people need it. Now, Holland Valley is different. This is his territory. You gotta go through Johnny for any legal work. He’s by the books. He also does some work with us at the station. Best attorney we have, comes from Atlanta.”

Hudson opens her door as I choke back a scoff. I wondered if this John Seed was aware of who’s territory this really belonged to, and if he would have a change of heart if he were ever to find out. As I open the door, the noise and smells hit me full force. I stumbled, my hand finding the truck as I caught myself. This was why that even though I dreamed of big cities, it would never happen. It was too much for our kind. I hadn’t been used to civilization this loud for a long time, it was almost disorienting.

I gather myself as Hudson began to walk forward, her eyes on the bar. My wolf is pacing, alert and even more curious than she was before. I flinch and fight the impulse to run as far away as I can. Hudson stops in front of the truck and turns back to me with a smile.

“He’s also one hell of an artist. Told that to Rowan when she showed me her wolf tattoo.” I smile at her as she continues. “He does a lot of tattoos for the people here.” She’s talking loudly over the noise at this point, and my ears are suffering for it. It would be hard for some, but any wolf could hear her in that damn bar, and I was standing right next to her. “Rowan also said you guys were like, wolf experts. Well, she is, at least. Being a ranger and all.”

“Yeah, you could say that.” I laughed, rolling my eyes at Rowan. She got a kick out of doing little things like that, making references that people didn’t realize had a deeper meaning.

“Anyway,” she motioned to the bar as we began to walk. “Larry Parker is pretty much a rejected science nerd. He believes that aliens are coming for all of us. He’s harmless, and is actually pretty smart, you know, outside of the obsession with things that don’t really exist. Zip Kupka, on the other hand, may be harmless, but he causes more trouble. He has no problem with coming up with conspiracy theories about anyone. He swears that Addie deals ecstasy, Grace Armstrong’s medal is due to some sort of set up, and that John Seed has a fucking sex dungeon.”

I almost choke as I throw her a look. But she just shrugs. “I would believe that about Addie before someone claimed to me that a seemingly high-up attorney was up to that.”

“Rich people pay for crazy stuff. And trust me, John Seed looks like someone who wouldn’t mind.” She threw me a smirk. “But I agree with you. You definitely have a good idea on the kind of person Adelaide Drubman is.”

“She asked me a lot of personal questions when I first met her. It wouldn’t surprise me.” I mumbled and Hudson just shook her head. We draw closer to the bar and I look up, scanning the area, when my eyes catch his.

John Seed was leaning against his car, one hand in a pocket, the other holding a cigarette to his lips as he takes a drag. My breath hitched and I slow slightly as I take him in. He’s gorgeous, that’s obvious. His dark hair is slicked back, his full beard nice and trimmed. I trace the dark lines of his tattoos on his hand as he pulled the cigarette away, a billow of smoke coming out of his nose as his thumb scratches his jawline. I swallow as something stirs in me and I can’t help but feel exposed as his dark blue eyes drill into mine. It’s then he chooses to shoot me a smile, his teeth on display.

I turn away, a blush finding its way to my face as I become flustered. I focus on Hudson as I bite my lip, a shiver running down my spine. Hudson is still talking, talking about Addie, recalling moments she had with her. She turns, shooting me a smirk.

“I told Grace and Addie just the other day that we needed some serious girl power, you know? A lot of women out here have gone soft, it’s nice to have some alpha females around, know what I mean? And I’m telling you, you’re a fucking beast. I remember you mouthing off to Pratt. Little asshole didn’t know what to think.”

I laugh as we step onto the porch throwing her a wolfish grin, my head back in the game. “Girl, you have no idea.”

We step into the bar and I immediately clench my teeth. My wolf is spooked as the crowd laughs and talks, making my eardrums ring. It turns my stomach, and the scent almost forces me to gag. I should’ve eased into this, for the both of us. At the bar, I can see two men in a heated discussion, motioning with their hands. I open my mouth to say something, but my phone goes off. Hudson turns as I pull it out, seeing Rowan’s contact on my screen.

“Looks important. You wanna take that while I deal with Dumb and Dumber?”

I look up at her. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I got this. Take the call.”

I’m thankful at the excuse to step back outside, but I can feel the slight irritation of Rowan calling me while I was working. I quickly shove my way outside, earning me a glance from the people outside. I take a few steps away from the entrance, still trying to keep distance between me and John Seed’s posse. Once at a safe distance, I answer the call.

“Rowan, what the—”

“Dutch came sniffing around the cabin.” Rowan cut me off, her voice frantic. I freeze, and I can feel my wolf rise fully, her attention undivided and no longer curious of her surroundings. I fight back the growl and scoff.

“Figuratively or literally?”

“I mean, both, I guess?” She sighed on the other side, and I could practically feel the stress from her over the phone. “He came asking questions, saying that he was just checking in to make sure we were settling in okay.”

“He’s checking up on us.”

“Yeah.” She answers, though it wasn’t a question. I huff as I look out at the houses behind the bar, my mind racing. “If it helps, Pratt wasn’t there.”

“Because Pratt is a little bitch.” I clap back immediately. “And I have to work with him, fucking asshole. Way more arrogant than he’s entitled to be, by the way.”

“Yes, and I’m sure he’s very aware of your resentment.”

“Still won’t leave me the fuck alone.” A car starts in the distance and I lean against the building behind me. “Did he say anything specific?”

“Not directly. Just touched a little bit about how he hasn’t seen us in a while. I think it’s clear though. He wants us to join him and commit—”

I don’t hold back the growl this time, something icky crawling under my skin as my gut twists. My wolf is amped up, both of us are, and I had an urge to go for the old man’s throat. “I’m not committing to someone who claims to be something they’re not. He has no claim to us, and he never fucking will. His right hand is that little arrogant errand boy of his—”

“We’ve been here long enough, Wren. There’s an alpha in the east, but I don’t know how much longer we can keep this up without it turning into something else.”

“He can’t force us to join, Rowan. And if worst comes to worst, we can leave. I know you don’t want to,” my wolf whines and I flinch, because I know she doesn’t want to leave either. “But it might have to be an option we consider.” Rowan goes quiet, absorbing everything. “Do you need me to come home?”

“No, he’s already gone.”

I play with the buttons on my deputy shirt and I bite my lip. “Call Adelaide, invite her over for dinner or something. Don’t leave yourself exposed and do something to occupy your time until I get back. We can talk more about it then.”

She agreed easily, both of us failing to find anything else to say in the moment as we hang up. My hand dropped to my side as I lean my head back against the wall. I try to take a calming breath, but I’m antsy. I exhale heavily and shove the phone in my back pocket before I push myself off the wall. I start to make my way back towards the front, when his voice calls out to me.

“You seem oh-so familiar, darling.” My head whipped around, my eyes finding John Seed’s as he smirks at me. He is still leaned against his car as he flicks his cigarette down, grinding it into the gravel and pavement with his black boot, his gaze cast downward. I go to sneer at him, no matter how cute, he isn’t allowed to speak to me that way. I take a step forward, the words on my tongue when it hits me. The blood drains from my face, my fight going right along with it. His smirk is more wolfish as he watches realization hit me like a freight chain, and he shows just the slightest bit of fang as his honey voice rings over the crowded noise in the bar behind me. “We’ve met before, haven’t we, dear? Though, it was under…. less pleasant circumstances, if I recall correctly.”

His scent is heavy and so fucking obvious now, and I kick myself for not noticing it before. It’s his territory, of course his scent is everywhere, but the longer I stand there, the more potent it becomes. I shift, putting weight on my back foot, and he moves with me as if we were tethered together. Anyone passing by would think that he was calm, relaxed, and completely at ease, but I knew better. His muscles were tense and ready, his eyes sharp, nothing escaping him. I could feel it rolling off him in waves, the dominance and authority. My heart raced and I knew he could hear it pound loudly. The absolute power of him is overwhelming, and if I run, I know he won’t let me get away this time. Not until he was ready for me to go.

“You.” I breathed and his smile widened. He pushed away from the car, standing at his full height as his hands tuck themselves in his pockets. It’s fitting for him, the sandalwood scent that has overwhelmed my space and the wolf underneath. It was all just so…him. It was on odd feeling, seeing the connection, something I had never considered before now. My eyes rake down his body, fully taking in the waistcoat and blue dress shirt. The lines of his chest that is on display from the way he left some buttons undone, the swing of a key on a chord around his neck almost hypnotizing. The feeling in my stomach returns, twisting and his eyes dance as I meet his gaze once more.

“Yes, me.” He takes a step forward, his eyes watching me as he stalks me. I fight the urge to cower, my wolf rising to the challenge. “I believe I can recall saving your life.”

“I remember being rudely attacked by your pack member.” My tongue is sharp, faster than my brain at times, and I wait in horror at his reaction, but he just laughs.

“And I remember someone showing blatant disrespect from the safety of the Henbane shortly after.”

“I could show you now, perhaps that would bring you some peace.” I take a bold step forward, the blood in my veins humming and my skin tingling. Rowan was right, perhaps. It was him that was causing such a shift in me, making me more aggressive and bolder. It was going to get me killed if I didn’t watch myself, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know how to.

“Now wouldn’t that be a sight to see?” he replied lowly. “You are…” He tilts his head, breathing in deeply as his eyes close. It’s a couple of seconds before he sighs out heavily, his eyes snapping open to meet my gaze. “Magnificent.”

My wolf is intrigued, and completely swept up in everything this male is and what he embodies. I’m stunned by him, not knowing how to react. I’ve never had a male react this way to me before, and my mind was trying to reevaluate, desperately trying to cling to anything I could use as a defense, to raise my guard even higher, because he was passing them with ease.

“So, I’ve been told.” The lie is smooth off my tongue, my wit and confidence coming to me the best it can with my wolf acting like a lovesick puppy, desperate for the alpha’s attention and affection. She was practically glowing under his praise.

He laughs, a dark mockery there that has the hair on the back of my neck on end. “Yes, well from what I can smell, I’m sure you have. Pratt, right?” He tilts his head, a clicking of his tongue in disapproval a knock on my nerves. “Oh darling, to let that male between your legs…”

“Fuck you.” I snarl, my wolf immediately rising to the surface, immediately offended by his crass implication. But deep down, she’s hurt by his show of disrespect. She wanted to be enough for the only male she had seen as worthy. I’m shell shocked by it as it hits me, and I use my anger to hide it. He flashes his teeth, and I can see what’s just beneath his surface.

“When and where, sweetheart? Because I have no problem with bending you over my car and having you right here.” His snarl is deep and rugged, and it causes a shiver down my spine. I’m shaking with anger and something else I can’t place.

“Dutch warned me about you.” I snapped, desperate to hurt him the way he had hurt us. “I should have listened.”

His brows pull together as he scoffs. “You think you should listen to a washed-up mutt who believes he deserves or has earned the title alpha?” John taunts. “My brothers and I came here, showed his people true leadership.”

I take a step back, shocked. “Brothers?” I breathed out.

“Yes.” He smiles again, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I have two brothers. One to the North and the other who has graciously allowed two unmated rogue females to live in his territory.” I felt like ground was spinning beneath my feet as he continues. “You think I’m not aware of what he’s doing? What that pup is trying to do? Watch your back—”

“Or what?” I snap. “You’ll do to me what you did to his niece, Jess Black?”

He stops, a look of pure confusion crossing his beautiful features, but it was gone as quickly as it came. “You think I…we did that to her? Is that what he said?”

I swallow before I continue. “That’s what…that’s what Pratt implied, he didn’t come out and say it, but he warned me that that was what would happen if I crossed the border.”

“And yet you crossed anyway.” He scoffed with a roll of his eyes before throwing me a look. “Don’t believe everything they tell you. They’re offering you a place in this poor-excuse of a pack they’re getting together. To believe that we’re not aware of the uprising they’re planning is foolish. But no, darling, as savage as I or Jacob can be, we aren’t the ones that marred that poor girl’s face. He did.”

I scoff. “I don’t believe you. Why would he do that to his own niece?”

“Why indeed.” He replied with a mere shrug. “But I think you’re starting to see it. Dutch is…known to sometimes make unexpected house calls. I’m sure that was just out of the concern for your safety. Although, I would personally recommend the good company of my dear friend, Adelaide. Sounds like you two are already well acquainted.”

I inhale sharply and clench my fists. He heard everything, which I can’t say I was surprised. Alphas’ senses were always more heightened than other wolves, but I guess I just wasn’t expecting him to use it against me. “You don’t know anything.”

He takes another step forward, towering over me as his eyes narrowed. “I know more than you think. Heed my warning, dear, because you might not hear it from anyone else. Like I said, watch your back.”

“Is that a threat?” I shot out, my chin jutting out in defiance. He just shook his head.

“Why would I threaten you? Because you’re a rogue? Darling, most of the members in our packs are former rogues banded together looking for a home. That means nothing to me. I have nothing to gain from this.”

“Other than control, right?” My question makes his brows furrow, and suddenly I feel exposed as his eyes drill into me, but I push through it. “That’s what every male wants. Absolute control—”

“Over what? You? Is that what you’re so afraid of?” He asked, his voice so soft its almost a caress against my skin. “It is, isn’t it?” I’m the one that’s confused now, because I don’t know how we got to this, I don’t know if or how he steered the conversation in this direction. I try to backpedal, but he doesn’t give me the opportunity. “Being an unmated female can be dangerous, but I’m not here to force anything on you. I’m not making you choose sides, because when you come to me, I want you to do it on your free will. I want you to choose to say yes.” He brings a finger up to lightly trace my jawline before angling my chin up, our faces inches apart. “You don’t like me, that’s fine. But I’m not here to threaten you or to take your life, I’m here to give it to you. I’m not here to own you, and honestly, I don’t think anyone could if they tried. What I’m telling you is to stay close to your true allies and know them well. That if you’re going to choose a pack, make sure it’s the right one, because there may be no going back. My advice is that you stick close to Adelaide, at least the witch knows what she’s doing over there.”

I make a twisted face at him. “That’s awfully rude, especially considering that you’re supposed to be close friends.”

He laughed with a shake of his head. “You have no idea, do you?”

“What--?”

“Hey, Rookie!” Hudson called and I could hear the door slam. We both pull away, John taking a few steps back and his hands returning to his pockets as he rocks back on his heels at complete ease. I couldn’t say the same. I was scattered, my skin buzzing and my wolf just as confused. It was as if I were watching a ping pong battle, trying to keep up with the moods of John Seed. Hudson walked up with a smirk.

“Deputy Hudson.” John greeted her with a smooth smile, his voice nothing but a soft, honey eloquence, as if we had been talking about nothing but the weather and becoming fast friends. “A pleasure as always.”

“I’m sure it is.” Hudson smirked before eyeing me. “I see you’ve met our new addition, Wren Blake.” I have to fight the urge to flinch as John’s eyes flicker to me one more time before returning his attention to Hudson. I wanted to avoid giving him any information about me, but part of me felt that it wouldn’t have mattered. My last name was on my shirt, and he seemed resourceful enough. If he wanted it, he would get it.

“I did. Lucky for you to have such a pleasant partner.” He throws me a smile and I hate myself for the blush across my cheeks and the stutter of my heart. Damn him. Damn him to hell. “Much better than the utter fool you have running around over there.”

Hudson snorted with a roll of her eyes. “You’re telling me. Pratt is annoying as hell. Good to have some good company for a change.” I’m quiet as they continue, just listening to their conversation. I almost expected her to mouth off to him, just like she did with Pratt because he tried to pull the ‘alpha male’ on her. But she doesn’t, even though I can feel his confidence and authority come off him in waves, almost a superiority that Hudson didn’t seem to react negatively towards. She laughs with a shake of her head, her hand slapping against his arm in a friendly manner, but my wolf doesn’t like it.

I feel it, the rage boiling inside as the jealous starts to spread quickly through my veins. It’s not mine, it’s hers. And I’m fighting to keep myself from showing fang and growling at Hudson in warning. It’s almost suffocating, the need to tell her to back the fuck off and the panic that’s rising in me to stay in control. Hudson turns to answer a call on her radio as John’s eyes pierce me, shock that’s immediately replaced with concern. I don’t know what this is, humans had never forced a reaction out of me like this. So close to shifting, I’m trying to focus.

“Breathe.” It’s a mere whisper, but I hear his voice loud and clear. I cling to it, desperate for anything to anchor me down before I lost it. I’m scared, and I hate him because ever since I’ve met him, ever since I ran into his godforsaken scent, I’ve been out of sorts. I wanted to cry and scream, anything to release what was building up. He moves while Hudson talks, grabbing my wrist and squeezing until he has my attention. “Breathe. Relax. You have to stay in control. You’re okay, focus on me.” My immediate response would be to push him away, to scoff and tell him not to touch me. But my skin is warm where he’s touching it and I’m breathing him in with every breath I take, that I can’t help the pull I feel.

I also feel the pressure, the surge of authority from his wolf to keep me in check, the use of his dominance forcing my wolf back down. It’s a bitter taste in my mouth that’s making my face twist as I realize the power he has. How easy it is for him to make me bend by the sheer will of it. I flinch back, my wrist pulling from his grasp as I look away and take a step back. I throw him a glare as he straightens, his face now a mask I don’t recognize.

“Alright, we gotta head out. Wren, you ready?”

I jump and look at her as she turns to me with a smile. I gave her a hesitant smile in return, forcing everything down. “Yeah, whenever you are.”

“Cool, let’s go.” She turned to John with a wave. “I’ll see you later, Seed. Stay out of trouble.”

He catches my gaze. “No promises.” His voice is low, and contrary to his words, his eyes held a promise that sent a shiver down my spine as we walked away.

[talesfromthefreezerinmymind]

The Adventure of the Accidental Client

On this day in 1859 (May 22) Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes, was born.  

May is also Mental Health Awareness month. 

What do these two things have in common? For me, quite a lot. I’ll start this story in early 2012.

At that time I was a freshman at Maryville College, in my second semester of majoring in graphic design. I was completely miserable.

Why was I miserable, exactly? Well…

 I had no friends (turns out, I had never learned how to make them)

 I doubted that graphic design was the career for me (Imposter Syndrome vibes)

 I was homesick (even though I went home every single weekend)

I phoned my parents every night and told them about my day. During one such call, my dad told me about a show on Netflix that he’d started watching: Sherlock. It was made by some of the same people that made another favorite of ours, Doctor Who. I was intrigued, and had plenty of time on my hands, so I thought I’d give it a try.

If you know nothing of Sherlock Holmes (as I did when I first started watching the show), he’s a famous English detective residing in 221B Baker Street created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor John Watson solves mysteries in the late 1800s and early 1900s. But for Sherlock, the adventures are set in the modern day. Over the course of a week or so, I watched the whole first season. Normally I’m slow to warm up to things, but I was instantly hooked.

I kept watching the show. I read interviews with the cast and crew. I found a fan-run website with all sorts of lovely info. I discovered Tumblr and all the fandom madness that lives there. The second season had already premiered in the UK, and I dredged up info on it (and spoiled it for myself). I started reading the original novels and short stories that the show was based on. I read everything Sherlock Holmes in about 5 months. And then started reading it over again.

Sherlock had found me at just the right moment. I was unusually lonely. I was unusually bored. I saw myself in John Watson; a directionless man in need of a purpose. A deeply loyal man, without a friend to adhere to. I saw myself in Sherlock Holmes; a man whose mind is always running, who loves feeling clever and in control. A man for whom feeling like an outsider is normal, though not always welcome. In the words of John Watson, “I naturally gravitated to London, that great cesspool into which all the loungers and idlers are irresistibility drained.” I was a lounger, an idler, and London had found me.

The Sherlock Holmes stories rekindled my love of reading, which had been dormant for a few years, and sparked a much more serious interest in writing. There was just something about how Doyle went from unknown medical man to literary giant that grabbed my attention. He started in one world and ended up in another. It got me thinking that perhaps though I began in graphic design, I could end up somewhere else: a published author myself. So I wrote more. And I read more. I changed my major in the Spring of 2013 to English with a concentration in Creative Writing (Oh, and I transferred to UT in the fall of 2012. I had to get away from Maryville. Fresh start. Sorta). In 2015, right after graduating UT, I joined an organization called the Society of Children's Books Writers and Illustrators. Long story short, in April 2016 I signed the contract for Roof Octopus, my first picture book.

Sadly, though, writing doesn’t pay much when you’re first starting out so I really did need a backup career for the moment. Fall 2015 I enrolled at Pellissippi State Community College (backtracking, I know, per the usual order of things) and began earning an associate’s in graphic design.

Though by this point I was far removed from my freshman year at Maryville, I still felt all the loneliness and failure that I had felt then (and I was still fanatical about Sherlock; third season came out in 2014). Honestly, I had been feeling watered-down versions of those emotions since my junior year of high school (that’s another story for another time). Plus, there was something else that I was carrying that was growing heavier over time: an addiction to daydreaming.

An addiction to daydreaming? Is that even possible? Well, it is possible. It even has a fancy name: Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder (MDD). It’s when a person’s habit of daydreaming is so obsessive that it interferes with everyday life. I would describe it like there’s a TV on in my head all day. It places my favorite shows, lots of reruns but new stuff, too. Your daydreams are like movies that you write and direct and star in and you can’t get enough. Part of the time they are white noise and I can ignore it. But more often than not, all I want to do is sit and watch. I have trouble focusing on what I’m reading or writing. I zone out super easily while listening to music or podcasts. I have trouble falling asleep for my mind not “turning off”. I zone out in class, at meetings, at church, and in groups of people when no one is talking directly to me. I daydream while driving and running and showering and cleaning and swimming and biking and just walking through my house. I’ve been struggling to focus while writing all this out; I’d rather daydream about writing this than actually do it. (Fun Fact: A big part of my daydreaming is I like to talk aloud while I’m doing it if I’m alone. On second thought, that’s probably more of an embarrassing fact than fun…)

People with MDD aren’t crazy; they don’t hear voices in their head or think people are around who really aren't there. They are fully aware that their daydream worlds aren’t real. But for some people MDD is so severe that they don’t leave their homes for days; they stay in and daydream their life away. Luckily, my MDD is not that severe. Often MDD is used as a coping mechanism. Even though I’ve never experience trauma like some people have, I still really crave an escape from life and all the emotions brought on by it.

I had never heard of Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder until one day in the summer of 2016; I googled for ways to quit daydreaming and stuff about MDD was in the results. Up to this point I’d slowly been growing tired of my daydreaming. I’d always had an active imagination. Played pretend a lot as a kid, had imaginary friends. But in college it started to get out of hand. Particularly falling asleep was a struggle, or if I woke up super early, falling back asleep. It took me ages sometimes to write a paper or read through something. However, I had so much time on my hands that it didn’t really matter how much I procrastinated. (While at UT and Pellissippi, I still didn’t try to make friends.) I didn’t talk too much to anyone about how much I hated college. About how alone I was. I’m a Christian, but I didn’t pray about any of it. I didn’t talk about all the ways that I felt like a failure. I bottled it all up inside, because that’s what Sherlock did. Sherlock was a loner, who was never a failure. Emotions were for other people. He was too smart for them. Sherlock never seemed to let loneliness get to him, and I wasn’t going to let it either.

Anyway, the more I learned about MDD the more I was convinced that I had it. The most important thing that I learned about MDD was that people who struggled with it could get help. Therapy and medication (like antidepressants) had helped other people get control of their life once again. In the back of my mind, I began to wonder: I had been using MDD to help cope with life, but now did I need help coping with MDD? Nevertheless, true to my never-bare-my-soul nature, I shared these discoveries and questions with absolutely no one.

I kept on keeping on. Finished a year at Pellissippi (still worried about whether or not I could make it as a graphic designer). Signed that book contract. Stayed close (as close as you can be without spilling your guts) to my friends at home, who I usually had to make an effort to see (something I really missed from the good old days pre-college). Tried (and failed) not to freak out as some of those friends got married and/or moved off. Who needs friends anyway, right? They’ll just ditch you eventually; no one’s as loyal as John Watson. I daydreamed too much. I wrote and wrote. I worked at Cove Lake State Park in the summer. I started a second year at Pellissippi.

Then one night in December 2016, I stayed the night at my Nannie’s. After I went to bed, I, per usual, had a horrible time falling sleep. I laid awake for hours, but eventually drifted off.

The next day when I came home, my mom asked me if I had slept well.

That was all the provoking that I needed. I broke down and cried. I told her that I could hardly ever sleep because my mind would not turn off. My daydreaming had become too much. Once it had been my rescue, my escape from everyday life, but now I felt like I was going mad.

My parents talked it over together and decided that I should see someone professional. My mom made me an appointment at a counseling office. On December 20, 2016, I had my first meeting with my therapist.

It was rather surreal. In the first season of Sherlock, John sees a therapist because he’s trying to deal with returning home from war. In January 2017, just mere weeks after my first appointment, the fourth season of Sherlock aired. In in the first episode, Sherlock (spoiler) himself pays a visit to John’s therapist. Sherlock actually needs help and he’s actually asking for. And I had just done the same thing. Life is funny like that sometimes.

Over the last 3+ years my therapist has helped me understand a lot about myself. Anxiety has been present in my life for several years now. Talking to people I don’t know, and even people that I do know, often gives me some level of anxiety. I’m always worrying if I sound weird or dumb or boring. I never know what to talk about. Therapy has helped me build up my confidence so it’s much easier for me to talk to others now. Am I still an introvert? Oh, yes. Can I carry on a conversation with someone I just meet? Yeah. Do I always want to? No, not really. But I’m much more willing to try it now.    

I’ve always hated change, good or bad. Watching friends grow up and reach life milestones (marriage, kids, dream job) all while I changed majors, changed jobs, and had little luck in the dating realm was (and still is) rough. Therapy has helped me be a little more okay with changes in my life. I’m not so scared of the future as I once was.  

I prefer to keep to myself. I’m a perfectionist and a control freak. I hate asking for help. I always feel like an oddball, even among my close friends. I love feeling clever. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate change.

I am Sherlock Holmes.

Therapy keeps me in check. Keeps from going over the edge. Helps me understand myself, the world around me, and those in it. It helps me become a better version of myself.

Therapy is my John Watson.  

I don’t know what would have happened to me had I not discovered Sherlock when I did. I do believe that God knows exactly what types of things would catch my attention (i.e. mysteries and best friend adventures) and perhaps that’s why and how things turned out the way they did. He is the Great Author, after all. I am thankful that He loved me even through the times that I was not a fan of myself, running and hiding from everyone, including Him.

I’ve told this story today because (1) I love telling stories. It’s why I write. It’s why I read. Heck, it’s why I’m addicted to daydreaming. Yep, I still daydream quite a lot, but I feel in control of it now. I’ve been taking an antidepressant for about two years now and that has helped with the daydreaming and my overall mood, too. I’ve also told this story today because (2) stories can save us. Sherlock Holmes saved me. I was a lounger, an idler, who wandered into 221B Baker Street in need of a mystery solved. What was happening to Lucy Branam? Can she be saved? Sherlock was just the detective for the job.

Happy 161st birthday, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Thank you for writing.