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testudoaubrei-blog · 3 years

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Well, it’s not quite a master’s thesis, but this is (the first of) a series of posts on why Catra and Adora are the best love story in the history of kids TV animation and maybe the greatest love story in the history of TV. This may in some ways be faint praise - romance on TV is generally not very good compared with books or movies. Often it’s just some will they/won’t they sexual tension that is defused by getting characters together and re-heightened by breaking them up. TV is full of nearly shark jumping pointless dramas like Sam and Diane (Cheers, holy fuck am I dating myself, though that was technically before my time), Ross and Rachel (Friends, which was no Cheers) etc, but also some less annoying couples like Ben and Leslie (Parks and Rec) or Amy and Jake (Bk99) who are mostly just kind of cute and fun. Other shows, like the X-Files, teased viewers for years with unresolved sexual tension. In kids shows most romances are, appropriate for their target viewers, mild, sweet relationships based more on self-conscious flirting and blushing than on complex and conflicted feelings or deep passions - which is pretty realistic when the characters are young teens or even mid-teens. Some of these relationships are really well done - Finn and Flame Princess, Dipper and Pacifica (yeah I ship them), the early stages of Katara and Aang (before the showrunners imbued this childhood crush with cosmic significance), Steven and Connie, etc. Catra and Adora, though, are different. Their love story is not a side plot or a sub plot, it’s the heart of the show. It isn’t a childhood crush, it’s a very messy and passionate relationship between two young adults. She-Ra is an emotionally complex lesbian romance just as much as it is a thrilling action/adventure show. Everything about their relationship is baked into the show’s plot, its themes, hell even its musical score. The dramatic tension between Catra and Adora is not the result of stretching out a flirtation for ratings, but a coherent dramatic arc that runs through the entire show. As Noelle said, he made Catradora so central that execs couldn’t take it out without ruining the show. And the show is better for it. In this series of posts I’m going to try to show why, as well as showing why She-Ra is such a fantastic love story.

First off, let’s talk about how Catra and Adora’s character arcs are foils for each other, and how they come together and apart through the series. This is actually a post that I’ve been working on for a while but I keep summarizing the show rather than cutting to the chase, so I’m not going to recite many plot points so much as sketch out what’s going on with the dramatic structure at the time. But also, let’s talk about what each character’s arc is saying, and how they are commenting on each other. Spoiler alert: Catra’s arc is a subversion and critique of stories of empowerment through ruthless self-assertion and revenge, while Adora’s arc is a subversion and critique of chosen one narratives and stories of self-denial and self-transcendence.

When the show starts, Adora and Catra are shown as rivals and friends - their first scene starts the recurring motif of them reaching out for each other as one of them dangles above an abyss, as well as establishing their flirtatious banter and easy camaraderie. We quickly learn that these two young women plan to conquer the world together. These scenes and later flashbacks show Catra and Adora as deeply enmeshed in each others lives, to the point where neither of them (but especially Catra) have clear identities outside of one another. There is so much genuine love on both sides before Adora leaves, but also resentment, envy and fear, especially on Catra’s side, as well as a protectiveness on Adora’s side that deprives Catra of her autonomy. They are both being abused by Shadow Weaver - Catra physically and emotionally, Adora emotionally. It wouldn’t be too much to say that Shadow Weaver holds Catra hostage to control Adora (this is why critiques that Adora abandoned Catra to be abused are actually kind of messed up, since they accept Shadow Weaver’s premise that Adora is responsible for what Shadow Weaver does to Catra). In addition, Catra and Adora actually see the world incredibly differently. Adora already sees the world in terms of right, wrong and her destiny to right wrongs - this is why it’s important for her to accept the Horde’s obvious lies - she couldn’t keep living if she didn’t. Catra, on the other hand, sees the world solely in terms of survival and personal loyalty - everything for her is about preserving herself and the person she cares about - Adora.

Then, when Adora finds the sword, she leaves because it’s the right thing to do. Catra doesn’t even have a concept of ‘the right thing to do’ being something she should care about, or perhaps, something she can care about as an irredeemably evil, awful fuck-up. So at Thaymor neither one understands where the other is coming from, and Catra and Adora begin to part. This is the first turning point in their relationship. Adora chooses duty over what she desires, Catra chooses to protect herself (such as she sees it) and nurse her sense of betrayal and abandonment.

Their relationship until Promise is a kind of weird Frenemy thing that is fascinating to watch and sold me on the show. Neither one wants to fully admit to themselves that the other is now their enemy, neither one has given up on changing the other’s mind. Each is furious at the other, and desperate to see her again at the same time. There’s a lot of heartache and just as much sexual tension, especially at Princess Prom. Both of them come alive when they fight each other (more about that in a later post). But they’re already growing apart - Adora embracing her destiny as She-Ra, Catra rising in the ranks for the Horde. Adora now has the purpose she always wanted, plus other friends and a sense of being chosen to do something great, while Catra now has power - the means to protect herself from people like Shadow Weaver as well as the vindication she had always been denied, and even the opportunity to beat Shadow Weaver at her own game.

The next turning point is Promise. Holy fuck, this episode. It’s an episode that is even more heartbreaking after you’ve watched the show because you know just how much worse things are going to get, and yet, it’s a necessary part of both of their character arcs. Even through season 1 Catra and Adora had remained very much enmeshed in each others lives in an increasingly fucked up way as they grew apart but refused to turn away from each other. Even though they aren’t -exactly- a romantic couple (Adora doesn’t recognize and acknowledge her feelings until the last episode of Season 5), Season 1 of She-Ra is one of the worst breakups I have seen on TV. As I said in a couple of previous posts, this is the kind of shit that the Mountain Goats write songs about. Everything that was poisoning their love for each other even before episode 1 bubbles to the surface and combines with them fighting on opposite sides of the war to make a truly fucked up situation. In the end, it’s Catra that makes the choice to turn away from Adora. This isn’t a -good- decision. It’s spiteful, and destructive, and based on an outright deluded understanding of their relationship (inspired by Light Hope’s manipulations and her own issues), but it’s in some ways a necessary decision. Catra has been so wrapped up in Adora for so long that she isn’t going to be able to figure out who -she- is without cutting Adora out of her life. And the same is true of Adora.

But each of them do this in about the worst way possible. Catra embraces destruction, ambition, manipulation and outright cruelty, turning the tactics of her abusers against them and against everyone around her. She first triumphs over Shadow Weaver and manipulates Entrapta into trying to corrupt Etheria itself. Meanwhile Adora ‘lets go’ and commits herself to the self-denying mantle of She-Ra. Over the next several seasons, their respective paths will nearly lead both Catra and Adora to their deaths (in the Season 4 finale).

For the next season (counting season 2 and 3 as one) Catra and Adora are still closely linked, but as enemies. Still, there’s more than enough flirtation between them (that ‘Hey Catra’ in the first episode of Season 2 is something else), and especially on Adora’s side we see her hold back with Catra, and often take responsibility for the harm Catra inflicts, just like she had when they were kids. Yet they still drift apart - after facing off every other episode in Season 1, they spend less and less time on screen together through season 2 and 3. Catra continues her ascent to power and descent into villainy while Adora becomes more of a stressed out mess as she takes the fate of the world and the wellbeing of everyone she cares about on her admittedly broad shoulders. Catra’s one moment of vulnerability is rewarded by Shadow Weaver’s betrayal and her exile, then Catra triumphs in ruthless badass fashion through sheer desperation and aggression. In the Crimson Wastes, we see Catra at her most independent, and she almost seems happy. But once Adora shows up and Catra hears about Shadow Weaver, she’s sucked back into the worst of her resentments, and she makes very clear that being happy is less important to her than making sure Adora is miserable.

This changes everything. Catra completely breaks with reality and tries to kill Adora, herself and the world rather than lose to Adora and Shadow Weaver (I do think it’s important to remember that she does that after Shadow Weaver nearly kills her). Catra betrays everyone around her when she exiles Entrapta, threatens Scopria and lies to Hordak. Then she flips the switch. When Adora tries to fix things, Catra fights to her own death to make sure that the world disintegrates with her. For her part, Adora fights first to understand what is wrong with the world and then to fix it. Finally she tells Catra that destroying the world is her choice and she has to live with it, decks her, and then sees her off with a death glare once the portal is closed. With this, Adora writes Catra off even if, as she says later, she never never hated her. By doing that, Adora casts off the guilt that had dogged her and takes responsibility for her own life rather than someone else’s - this is actually a huge step for her, and one that will become more important in Season 4.

Season 4 is in many ways the nadir of their relationship. They only see each other once during the entire season, in Fluterrina, when Adora tries to blast Catra, much to the latter’s shock. There’s a sense in that scene that Catra is trying to have the same flirtatious enmity she used to have with Adora, and Adora is having none of it. Catra almost seems hurt by this, which is an early hint at how isolated Catra is beginning to feel. Catra spends the rest of the season at her highest and lowest. On the one hand she spends most of 12 episodes winning by every standard she has ever claimed to care about, besting Hordak himself in single combat and making herself co-ruler of the Horde and coming within a day’s march of ending the Rebellion. In many ways it is the ultimate empowerment fantasy - the abused young woman has defeated her abusers, showed up everyone who doubted her and forced everyone to respect her. But I think it’s striking that the show starts with her and Adora dreaming of conquering the world together and in Season 4 Catra nearly succeeds in conquering it alone, almost like she was trying to live out her old shared fantasy while proving she didn’t need her former best friend.

At the same time, Catra is clearly miserable. She’s always been unhappy, but in Season 4 we see her completely isolated and lying to herself and everyone who will listen in a desperate attempt to justify her actions. Turning the tactics of Hordak and Shadow Weaver against them to gain power and then against Scorpia and Entrapta to maintain it haven’t vindicated Catra, they’ve made her more and more alone as Entrapta is exiled and Scorpia drifts away. Meanwhile Catra reaches out to Double Trouble, and her interactions with them reek of a kind of desperate desire to have someone in her life (the feeling of their interaction is of an unhealthy casual relationship where one partner becomes emotionally invested and the other takes advantage of that while denying the other the closeness they desire). As people leave her, one after the other, it becomes clearer and clearer that Catra doesn’t want power at all - she wants connection, friendship, love, and power is a very poor replacement. As I said in my long Catra rant, Season 4 is both her ‘Walter White as a Catgirl’ season and the beginning of her redemption. Everything comes to head when Sparkles destroys everything Catra has tried to achieve, Double Trouble delivers those harsh truths and Horde Prime shows up and makes it all irrelevant, just highlighting how futile all her struggles and sacrifices and crimes have been.

Meanwhile Adora spends Season 4 becoming her own her and her own woman. After telling off Catra, she grows more and more disillusioned with Light Hope and critical of Glimmer (though the latter has more than a shade of her old habit of taking responsibility for others - Adora’s development is not linear). She’s gained the courage and confidence to strike out her own path, not just follow a destiny. At the season’s end she once again breaks with her best friend to do what is right, and discards the destiny that she was being prepared for. But in this case she isn’t chasing one packaged destiny for another, instead she’s making her own choice and literally shattering the thing that she thought gave her life purpose. It’s badass, and heartbreaking, and along with decking Catra and jumping after Catra into the abyss (see below) it’s the perfect Adora moment.

In many ways Season 5 starts with Catra and Adora farther apart than they have ever been. They aren’t even enemies anymore, they’re completely out of each other’s lives. And both Catra and Adora are lost at the beginning of Season 5 - Catra is useless and alone on Prime’s ship, completely defeated despite ostensibly being on the winning side, and she goes through the motions of her normal plotting without any particular conviction and none of her normal flair. Meanwhile Adora is even more miserable and self-destructive than usual, throwing herself at Horde Bots and working herself until she drops of exhaustion. In a very real way they both stay lost until they have a chance to help the other. Catra takes responsibility for what she’s done and what she can do, saves Glimmer (at least partly for Adora’s sake), apologizes to Adora, and sacrifices herself. Adora only seems to come alive when she decides to turn around, face Prime, and save the cat. And when she does, Catra and Adora’s arcs, which had separated so completely in season 4, come crashing back together to end the series.

Adora during Save the Cat is such a contrast with the uncertain, hesitant and self-destructive wreck we’ve seen so far in Season 5. This is possibly her craziest plan in 3 years of mostly cazy plans, but she never wavers or questions herself. Even when Chipped Catra appears and we see Adora’s heart break while we watch, Adora doesn’t back down or relent. She keeps at it even as the tears stream down her face. She fights better trying to save Catra without She-Ra’s powers than she fought at the Battle of Bright Moon with them. Catra’s just about as desperate - we see her cry and plead, and now is probably as good a time to any to point out how amazing a job both VAs did throughout the show, but especially in this episode, and how good a job the board artists did.

Seeing each other for the first time in a year, and only the second time since Catra blew everything up, Catra and Adora are probably the rawest and least restrained we’ve ever seen them. There’s barely any banter, no bravado, and no pretense that they are anything other than two women who desperately need each other (Prime doesn’t help with ‘You broke my heart’.) Then Catra is flung to her death, Adora jumps after her, breaks both her legs in the fall (we see her crawl to Catra, as though she couldn’t walk) and becomes the real She-Ra. It’s such a triumphant and deeply queer moment seeing a woman transformed into a warrior goddess to protect the woman she loves, and it’s the reason that, as dark as it is, Save the Cat is my Comfort Food episode.

Let’s not sleep on Taking Control, though. This episode is like a microcosm of what this show does best, especially the A plot with Catra and Adora. Catra’s reversion to lashing out at everyone and her refusal to be open to Adora shows just how much of a struggle this whole ‘being good and trying to connect to people’ thing is. Catra’s outburst gives Adora a chance to stand up for herself and refuse to be Catra’s punching bag, while also not trying to control her. Adora’s ultimatum gives Catra a chance to reach out to Adora (quite literally), and allow herself to be vulnerable. In this episode, we see just how far Catra and Adora have come since the messed up stew of their relationship in Season 1. Adora lets Catra be responsible for her own actions; Catra lets herself be vulnerable to Adora and takes responsibility for her actions. They’re both better people and better friends and better partners than they were, and the show has shown this in a strikingly nuanced and realistic way.

The important thing to note in the next few episodes of Season 5 isn’t just how much closer Catra and Adora get to each other and how much they flirt (So much. So much, y’all) but just how -happy- they are. We see both of them transformed in the other’s presence. Basically, since they’ve parted, both Catra and Adora have been defined in no small part by how miserable they often are. They have both had their triumphs and their lighter moments, but there’s been a sense of melancholy dogging both Catra and Adora since episode 1. And now that they’re together again, that lifts, somewhat. Catra’s verbal barbs have lost their venom, and she can openly show how much she cares for Adora and even Bow and Glimmer. She’s still herself - snarky, cynical, somewhat devious - but she’s not engaged in a self-destructive zero-sum struggle with everyone around her. Meanwhile Adora has spent 4 seasons being a neurotic and sometimes nearly joyless mess who takes responsibility for everything and often doesn’t let herself enjoy anything other than the odd BFS group hug (exceptions include trying to uh...impress Huntara and reveling with the butterfly ladies of Elberron in Flutterina). Around Catra, though, she’s a cocky, swaggering jock who gives as good as she gets. It’s a side of Adora we’ve only seen hints of before, and one that’s so much more confident and joyful even as the world is ending around her. Apart, Catra had tried to protect and vindicate herself with power and conquest, while Adora had tried to forget herself in duty and sacrifice. Together, they can be themselves again. This dynamic is crucial to the show’s portrayal of Catra and Adora’s romance because it doesn’t just show how much they love each other, but how they’re -good- for each other now that they’ve grown as people, and that they are so much better than they were when they were apart.

Until Shadow Weaver shows up. Their old abuser reintroduces tensions but even then things are different than they were. Now Catra isn’t just resentful of how Shadow Weaver prefers Adora - she’s protective of Adora, which is clearest in Failsafe when she calls Shadow Weaver out for being willing to sacrifice Adora. And while Adora takes the Failsafe, it isn’t to follow her destiny or because she has a death wish - it’s because she loves her friends, and she is the only one who has any hope of doing this and living (though Catra’s suggestion that Shadow Weaver take it is a good one). And finally, when Catra leaves Adora, it isn’t because she hates Adora, nor, despite what she says, is it because she really thinks that Adora chose Shadow Weaver. At least, not exactly. It’s because Catra loves Adora, and can admit that to herself, and can’t stay around and watch the woman she loves sacrifice herself rather than choosing Catra. Before Catra leaves, she asks Adora ‘What do you want?” It’s a question that echoes Shadow Weaver’s speech in Episode 1: ‘isn’t this what you always wanted since you could want anything?’ As much as Adora has grown as a person, and defined herself and stood up for what she thinks is right, she still has never answered that question - it’s never been ‘what do I want’ but ‘what do I have to do?’ and that’s how Adora answers Catra’s question. This is Adora’s last gasp as a self-transcending hero, letting go of what she wants (not that she ever dared articulate what that was) in order to do what must be done. And it nearly kills her and dooms the universe, because Adora can’t be the hero that she needs to be by being anyone less than herself.

But it’s losing Catra that inspires Adora to tell off Shadow Weaver for good (not that she’d ever really warmed to her after season 1). And it’s love for Adora that inspires Catra to stand up to Shadow Weaver and demand that she do the right thing. In both cases, Catra and Adora aren’t just standing up to their abuser, but holding her to account for the harm she’s caused, and it’s the love that they have for each other that inspires them to do this. In Catra’s case in particular her refusal to let Shadow Weaver weasel out of finding Adora is a much greater triumph over Shadow Weaver than beating her up and breaking her mask in Season 1 - it’s proof not so much to Shadow Weaver but to Catra herself that Catra really is better than this and that she deserves better than this. It’s not turning her abuser’s tactics against her, but truly holding her to a moral standard and demanding that she do the right thing.

And then there’s Catra and Adora together at the heart. Catra has already come back for Adora and stayed to the end, choosing to die with her even if she can’t share a life together (not out of some death wish, but because Adora needs her). And Adora, who’s been avoiding answering the question for three fucking years, finally let’s herself want Catra when Catra finally confesses her love (breaking the last of her self-protective shields) and asks Adora to stay -for her-. And by admitting what she wants, Adora can truly be at peace with herself and be the hero she needs to be, lesbianism saves the universe, The End.

So anyway, that’s how Catra and Adora’s stories are woven together and how they compliment and comment on each other. Narrativiely, Adora and Catra start together, come apart, find something of themselves, and truly find themselves and each other when they are reunited. Thematically, they are critiquing seemingly opposing narrative tropes - empowerment narratives and narratives of self sacrifice. But by showing the flaws in both types of story and showing how neither self-seeking empowerment nor self-negating self sacrifice can actually make us happy, She-Ra asks and answers more profound questions than most prestige dramas for adults do. I’ll get into how the show sells the idea that the power of love can bring us happiness (and save the world) in a future post. But next up, I’m going to celebrate just how much Catra and Adora’s relationship revels in ambiguity, complexity and contradiction and so tells a grown up love story in a kid’s show.

#she ra #she ra spoilers #she ra adora #spop #catradora #she ra netflix #she ra and the princesses of power #goat ship #long #meta

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mykingdomforasong · 2 years

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What is "up the wolves" for the wip game?

[ask me about my wips]

this fic is going to be a series of vignettes about Luke and Leia - parallel moments in their childhood, moments during the Rebellion before they knew they were siblings but nonetheless had sibling energy, and moments after they figure it out. I started thinking up this story during the early episodes of Kenobi, but didn't want to write it until I saw how that played out. Now that it's over, there are going to be some scenes in the fic that fit into the Kenobi show (Leia's reunion with her parents and Luke waking up from his fall with Reva).

Also, while it is very much about the twins, it's also meant to celebrate their adoptive parents and Padme - how they are like them in so many ways, and how (esp. their parents) shaped them and cared for them.

The title comes from the Mountain Goats's song Up the Wolves, and the lyrics that really inspired the story are: "I'm gonna get myself in fighting trim / Scope out every angle of unfair advantage / I'm gonna bribe the officials, I'm gonna kill all the judges / It's gonna take you people years to recover from all of the damage / Our mother has been absent / Ever since we founded Rome / But there's gonna be a party when the wolf comes home"

Structurally and tonally, the fic will probably look most like my other fic "Illusions of Someday."

I'm excited and nervous to write this one, though, because 1) I hardly write Leia because she's my fave and I'm so nervous about writing her badly, and 2) because there's no romance (no HanLeia or HanLuke and obviously no lukeleia), which is not the norm for my fics. So I'm looking forward to trying my hand at a non-romantic character study focused more on friendship and sibling relationships. So we'll see if I ever end up properly writing it.

snip-it bellow the cut:

“Flying, shooting, fixing our water filters … you’ll do that no matter the danger. But follow me into a tree? That’s what you’re afraid of.”

“I’ve never been in one before,” he protested.

“You’d never been in an X-Wing either. I told you to get in one of those, and you didn’t flinch.”

“A ship is a ship, it’s all the same principle. But a tree is …” he rubbed the bark, “new.”

“Exactly. Why are you afraid of what’s new?”

He stared at her. She was used to this look, a look that said she had read them correctly, and now they were uncomfortable. She’s long since learned to not care about that look.

“My Uncle raised me,” he said. “He didn’t leave the planet, neither did my aunt. They didn't want me to leave either.” There was regret -- no, pain, a sorrow that felt familiar to Leia. It ripped off of him, echoed in the hard press of his lips, the strain in his eyes, the movement of his fingers.

Before she let herself prod deeper, she asked: “How do they feel about you flying off with the Rebellion?”

“They died,” he said simply. “But,” his tone perked back up. It was a cover, she knew, but she was no stranger to that kind of lie, “I imagine,” he grunted as he pulled himself onto another branch, “he wouldn’t be too happy to see me up in a tree. He’d tell me the Lars family was built to be on the ground.”

Leia smiled. “Good thing we got the Skywalker, then.” Luke smiled at her, this time, in earnest. “My parents are dead too,” she said, her tone as even as she could keep it with their deaths still so fresh in her mind. “My father was the one who taught me how to climb,” she started heading up farther. “So, if you don’t keep climbing, you’re insulting the memory of my dead father.”

Luke laughed. “If I climb any higher, my Uncle’s ghost will yell at me from beyond the grave!” Luke looked up at her, and then at the ground. “How do I get down?”

“Just climb back down the way you came,” she said, “or jump if you’re brave enough.”

Luke scooted to the edge of his branch, checked that he had a clear bath to fall, and pushed himself off. When he hit the ground, Leia winced in anticipation of sore ankles and knees, but Luke instead seemed to almost float down, landing as gently as a leaf.

#my writing #luke skywalker #leia organa

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rolandtowen · 3 years

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Prince Zuko was a harsh, entitled boy.

Firelord Zuko is a ruler who makes amends. - a study in the various side characters that Zuko came across in his banishment, and how he repays his past actions.

Read Chapter One on ao3 or under the cut! TW for referenced non-con and colonialism

[I believe @flamehotman and @flameomcfirey wanted to be tagged?]

Chapter One: Song

We will get there when we get there, don't you worry Feel bad about the things we do along the way But not really that bad We inhaled the frozen air Lord, send me a mechanic if I'm not beyond repair

- The Mountain Goats

It happened on a Tuesday afternoon.

Zuko was meeting with the agricultural council, a collection of both scholars and farmers, to discuss best practices for renewing the Fire Nations agricultural trade. For so many decades, the Fire Nation out-sourced its agriculture to land in the colonies and imported much of its food. But with the land being given back, the Fire Nation was either going to have to begin growing its own food again, or import their food at a fair price. The economic committee decided on Monday that reviving the Fire Nation farms would be far more cost effective - and of course, would create more jobs in the Fire Nation. With the war over, the number of soldiers that the military required had dropped dramatically, and there were many citizens without work. Zuko had instated severance benefits for unemployed soldiers - the ones not found guilty of war crimes of course, mostly the young recruits - but it couldn't last forever.

It was maddening. Every time Zuko unraveled one problem, he undoubtedly found or created another one. He was trying, really trying, to keep his people safe. But he also had a duty to the rest of the world. The nations that his lineage colonized, pillaged, and destroyed. He resists the urge to write to Aang, to ask him how he does it, how he balances all of the nations in every action he takes. But Aang is busy, all of his friends are, spread thin to the four corners of the world.

Uncle visits him occasionally, when the letters from staff concerned about Zuko's health pile up on his desk. One too many servants have found him, asleep at his desk, face down in treaty papers. But Uncle has his hands full. He already splits his time enough between the Jasmine Dragon and Ember Island, looking after Azula.

Azula.

She was improving, and that's really all Zuko can ask for. He sees her a couple of times a month, pours her a cup of tea, and they sit on the balcony of their vacation-house-turned-mental-retreat. Most of the time, they don't talk. Zuko won't push her; he remembers his silence in his first few months of being banished, how Uncle had to coax him to say anything at meals. Sometimes the only words he uttered in a day were in prayer before meditation. Zuko had thought to himself, speaking out got me into this mess: I'll never speak again.

He's not sure what words were exchanged between Azula and Ozai before he left her and went to burn down the Earth Kingdom, but he can guess it wasn't good. Few of his father's words were.

So they sit and drink their tea. Sometimes, on a good day, Zuko will fix up Azula's hair for her, and she'll reveal some bits of information that he files away for future examination. Something like, I saw Mom before you came with Master Katara. Or she'll double check her reality, asking, you let Ty Lee and Mai out of jail, right? and Zuko will say yes, her friends are safe, they should be visiting any day now.

As painful as seeing her may be, spending time with Azula is far preferable to sitting through an agricultural council meeting.

He looks down at the paper in front of him, a comprehensive budget list for all of the supplies needed to revitalize the Fire Nation's agricultural sphere. Dozens of machines that he's sure Sokka had a hand in inventing, hundreds of varieties of seeds that Omashu is generously selling to them, and -

Thousands of ostrich-horses.

"Councilor Yichen, can you elaborate on the number of animals in this budget? Certainly with the machines we'll provide, farmers will not need so many working livestock."

Councilor Yichen stands, giving a little bow in Zuko's direction. "Of course, Lord Zuko. While the machines will certainly boost productivity, we only have enough for one per farming village at this point. Each family needs at least one working animal, if not to plow the fields, then to transport goods. We decided on ostrich-horses on a recommendation from farmers in the Earth Kingdom colonies, who found them to be invaluable. An ostrich-horse is, in many ways, more valuable than a machine."

Zuko's stomach settles uncomfortably, but he isn't entirely sure why. "Thank you, Councilor. I understand now."

Yichen gives another little bow before he sits, and the rest of the meeting goes as planned, with the exception of a strange seed of unknown guilt now growing in Zuko's stomach.

"Uncle, do you remember when you made tea out of that poisonous plant?"

Uncle laughs, hands faltering as he pours Zuko a cup of jasmine tea. "I remember, Nephew. How could I ever forget?"

"Do you remember the girl who helped you?"

Uncle takes a sip of the warm tea. "Song. Her mother made the best roast duck." He looks at Zuko out of the corner of his eyes. "Why do you ask?"

Zuko looks out over the gardens. He's able to see the whole palace grounds from where they're seated on the second-floor balcony, watching the sun rise. As far as the eye can see, Zuko is upheld as a flawless ruler, his word taken as law. He's sick of it.

"I stole her ostrich-horse," he murmurs into his tea, taking a sip to calm his nerves. "I just remembered, in that agricultural meeting a few days ago. I - I never knew how essential those were to farmers, I just thought I was taking their ride." He turns to fully face his Uncle. "But I think I took a lot more than that."

Uncle meets his eyes with understanding. "And now you want to give it back."

"I know there's no way for me to fully apologize for how I acted in exile, but it feels like I have to try." The cup quivers a bit in his hands, and so his hands drop to his lap. "I'll need someone to watching over the Nation while I'm gone."

Uncle places one of his warm hands over Zuko's shaking ones. "I'm sure I can deal with your advisors for a few days." He squeezes his hand just slightly around Zuko's. "I'm proud to see that even in a few short months, your wisdom as a ruler is growing. Go, make your amends. The Nation will be here when you return." Uncle calls for Zuko's secretary and tells her to clear as much of the Firelord's schedule as she can for the next week. Their voices fade into the background as Zuko stares into his tea, wracking his brain to try and figure out how to track down just one girl in the entire Earth Kingdom. Sending scouts or soldiers from town to town is a recipe for disaster, and the Earth Kingdom villages have been traumatized enough. He supposes he could always call in a ride on his favorite air bison but - this feels like something he should do on his own.

If Song hates him, it might be hard for her to show it in front of the Avatar.

So he'll go alone. No friends, no royal guard. He'll come into Song's town the same way he came last time - defenseless. She can hate him if she wants, he'll give her that.

And he'll try to give back what he took from her.

He packs light, pulling an old tunic and boots from the back of his wardrobe. Though they've been thoroughly cleaned by the palace staff, the scent of campfires and smoke linger upon them. He grabs a cloak - the Earth Kingdom will be starting to chill at this time of year - and he slips out of the palace, using the servant's entrance to get onto the streets unseen.

Autumn comes quietly in the Earth Kingdom. The trees slowly lose their color, giving the last of their strength into vibrant leaves. Soldiers previously conscripted to fight in the war have either returned to their families or have gone to tend to the scorched earth where the Phoenix King made landfall. They clear the debris of fallen airships, making room for the earth to slowly restore herself.

Song envies those soldiers.

Their lives have changed with the ending of the war, but Song's life continues on, its mundane routine continuing over and over again. She cares for a small garden, crafts herbal remedies for her neighbors, and tries to make her mother comfortable. She curses the Spirits for their cruel sense of humor - her mother survives the greatest war ever seen, lives through the attempted invasion of her homeland, only to be struck down by frailty months after the end of it all. Hasn't she suffered enough? Song has whispered those words to the woods on her way to the well time and time again. Now, her body is just - stopping.

Her mother is dying and there's nothing she can do.

Song knows all living things have their time. And she's seen too many living beings go before their rightful time. But she never imagined her mother's time would be in a time of peace. Wasn't ending the war supposed to stop all this pain? Apparently not. She tries not to become bitter, knows that that's the last thing her mother would want for her, but - it hurts. And there's not a damn thing she can do about it.

The leaves from dying trees crackle under her feet.

She arrives at the well, alone. Her hometown is just barely beginning to wake up, rising from its slumber as mothers bring in dry clothes from the clotheslines and fathers begin to toil in the fields. Children run freely from street to street, with a joy that was forbidden during the Fire Nation's occupation. They're kicking at a ball, passing it from one pair of bare feet to another, and Song smiles at them. Someday, maybe.

She sets her water jug on the stone wall of the well and begins to lower the bucket before hearing the ball make impact and a man's voice grunt, "oof!". She spins rapidly around to see a young man, rear planted firmly in the dirt, one hand rubbing at his forehead while the other wipes at a watering eye. The group of children stand, frozen, and she gives them a look, and unspoken command to stay and apologize to the man they just hit with their ball.

"Here, take my hand," Song holds out her right hand, and the man takes it. When the young man meets her eyes, she almost drops him back in the dirt. He has those amber eyes, and she can just see under his loose hair - a burn scar. "Lee?!"

He stands, brushing dust from his cloak, and she catches the hints of red fabric that lie beneath. She recoils. He sighs. "Um, about that." Song sees his hands tremble against his cloak. "My name's not Lee - and I'm from the Fire Nation."

Song reacts as if she'd been slapped. She trips backwards, away from Not Lee, landing hard against the stone of the well. Her leg is aching, feels like its on fire all over again, looking into those amber eyes.

"How could you? I let you into my home." She braces her hands against the well, her leg threatening to give out at any moment. "Now it all makes sense, that you stole from me. That's all you ashmakers are good for." She spits, and it lands on his scarred cheek. "You take land that isn't yours, take women that aren't yours, you take lives!" Her leg finally collapses, and she sinks to the ground with her back against the well. Not Lee makes a move, and she throws her hands up. "Don't you touch me," she grits out, clutching at her leg. He stills, and she wraps her arms around herself, bringing her knees to her chest. "I pitied you, you know? I thought your mother must've been - I looked at your eyes and thought you were a victim like me, like my mother." Her whole body is trembling, but she doesn't care. "But I bet you know who your father is, I bet you're proud to have his eyes."

Not Lee mirrors her, curling in on himself, not even bothering to wipe his face clean. "I do know who my father is, but I'm not proud of him." He looks up to meet her eyes, and Song is struck by how young he looks. When she'd last seen him, he'd looked gaunt, malnourished, with sharp cheekbones. Now, his face had filled out and he looks - young? The scar makes him look older as well, but when you look on the opposite side of his face - all she can see is a kid, couldn't be older than a teenager.

And he was crying.

Stubborn as he is, Not Lee is resolutely ignoring the tears slowly falling from his eyes, but nevertheless - they fell. Song didn't expect that reaction. Tears are not what she expected from a Fire National. Anger, rage, violence - those are the things she's tasted at the hands of firebenders, but this? This is new.

"I'm sorry," Not Lee whispers, looking at his feet. "I came to apologize, I wanted to repay you for your kindness and return what I took. But I think I've overstayed my welcome." He scrubs at his face roughly with the heel of one hand. "But I am, truly sorry. I acted selfishly the last time I was in your home, and I took advantage of your compassion. And I understand that my nation has done even worse. I'm trying to make it better." He pulls his hair back with a band. "I know you have no reason to trust me, but I would like to purchase you a new ostrich-horse. And anything else you or your mother may require."

Without warning, Not Lee shifts from his seat position to a bowing one, kneeling with his head pressed to the dry earth. Song stares at him for a small eternity, before realizing that he's waiting, unmoving, for her response. For her judgement.

She lets out a small breath. "Okay," his eyes flick up to hers and her stomach twists. The way he bows is so precise - it must have been drilled into him hundreds of times before. Another thing she wouldn't have expected from a firebender. "Come to dinner."

He stands after she does and gives another slight bow. As they begin the walk back to Song's home, he offers to carry her water jug, and Song feels more weight than one lifted from her.

"What did you say your name was again, young man?" Mei pokes at Zuko's shoulder as she hobbles to the table.

"Mom, I'm sorry about her, she's getting older," Song sets a bowl of fragrant roast duck in front of him and Zuko feels his mouth begin to water.

"No, it's okay, I don't think I've actually properly introduced myself." He takes a quick sip of tea - bracing himself for whatever will happen next - and calmly sets the mug back down. "My name is Zuko," he begins slowly. "AndI'mkindoftheFirelord."

There's the sound of Song dropping a bowl in the kitchen, and Mei leans in a bit closer to Zuko.

"Sorry, dear, could you say that again? My ears aren't what they used to be."

Zuko opens his mouth to respond, but Song slowly enters the room, her eyes narrowed in on Zuko. "You said - you're the firelord?" He nods at her, waiting for her to swing a knife at him, kick him out of their home, call some earthbenders to rough him up -

Before his panic can start to set in, Song runs out the front door, slamming it behind her.

Zuko looks helplessly at Mei.

"Give her a moment." Mei brings her pair of chopsticks to her mouth. "Hmm, she still doesn't make it as well as I used to."

"What about you? Do you hate me?"

Mei sighs, putting her bowl down. "I'm too old for hate, dear. My time in this world is almost over. I can't spend it hating world rulers." She takes a sip of her tea. "But Song? She -" Mei sighs again. "She's been hurt deeply by the Fire Nation, in more ways than one. And it isn't just you. But for a long time, the monarchy has been the embodiment of everything terrible that's ever happened to her. And now you're here, standing in front of her."

Zuko nods. "I understand. And I am sorry, to you as well. I don't think I fully understood the reach of the war. I was always taught that the army acted with honor, that women and children were untouchable." He looks down at his folded hands. "I can see that was false."

"Unfortunately, you are correct." She reaches between them to refill Zuko's cup, then Song's, and hands them both to him. "Go to her. A bit of tea should help bring you some good favor."

The screen door opens and closes, and Zuko finds himself out on the porch. Song sits on the edge, absently massaging her leg, peering into the darkness of the forest.

"Can I join you?"

She shrugs, and he takes that as a yes. Handing over her tea, Zuko sits besides her and tries to find what she sees in the darkness.

For a few minutes, the only sounds are those of them drinking and crickets chirping. Then Song speaks.

"His name was Bao."

Treasured. Precious. Rare.

"That's a lovely name."

"What happened to him?" Song turns abruptly to look at him with shining eyes. "Did he...?"

Zuko shakes his head emphatically. "My Uncle and I traded him to a florist for safe passage to Ba Sing Se. The florist seemed like a good man."

"You went to Ba Sing Se?"

Zuko runs one hand down the back of his neck. "I might have conquered it, actually?"

Sing snorts. "That part I've heard about. You've lived an interesting life, Zuko."

"If by 'interesting' you mean messy, then yes." He sighs. "You had no reason to trust me. Why did you let me back into your home?"

Song laughs, tinged with bitterness. "My mother says I'm too trusting, too gullible." She swirls the dregs of her tea around the bottom of her cup. "But I think there's strength in being kind. And I really did want to forgive you. But you have to be ready."

"And do you think I am?"

She smiles softly at him. "For me, yes. But my guess is I'm not the only person you hurt in exile." She gulps down her remaining tea. "They may not be as forgiving as I am."

"I'm preparing myself for that possibility."

"Does it scare you?"

Zuko ponders it. "I think it does. The idea that I've hurt someone innocent so badly that they may never be able to move past it... that keeps me up at night."

Songs turns towards him, tucking her knees up to her chest. "We can't control how other people see us in this life. How they react to our actions is up to them - all that we can control is our response. You have to be ready to accept that someone may not be ready to forgive you, and you can't let that eat you up." She stares at him intently. "You have to confident that your own actions are enough. That they're good."

It's Zuko's turn to laugh sourly. "Easier said than done," his hand wanders to his scar. "Sometimes I'm still not sure if what I'm doing is right."

"You don't have to do it alone, you know," Song gives him an understanding look. "You need other people around you, Zuko, to remind you what's good."

He huffs, looking down at his hands, folded in his lap. "Do you want to be one of those people?"

"I think you have more than enough goodness surrounding you already. You just have to be confident enough to ask." She sighs, looking back out into the darkness. "Besides, I have to stay here with my mother. She doesn't have long."

"Are you sure there's nothing I can do? I could send my healers -"

She shakes her head, cutting him off midsentence. "It's her time." She begins to rub at her scars again. "I just didn't know how much it would hurt. We finally have some peace, and suddenly it's her time."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, not for this. It's due to you that she'll be able to die during peacetime." Her hands come to her eyes, wiping tears away before they can spill down her cheeks. "Her biggest fear was that she'd die and leave me alone to fend for myself during the war. You released her from that fear. Of course I forgive you, Zuko. My mother's no longer scared of dying because of you."

The two of them are silent for a long time, watching fireflies flicker off and on in the trees, listening to the crickets sing.

"I'm going to find Bao for you."

Song looks up in surprise. "You don't have to-"

"I want to, I'm sure he's still out there somewhere." Zuko rises from his seat. "If you ever need anything, anything, you write directly to me. I'll tell my staff that you're a priority."

"Are you leaving?" Song stands as well. "You could stay, if you want."

Zuko shakes his head silently. "I have to get back, and travelling by night is best for a Firelord who doesn't want his identity revealed," he smiles, his scarred skin relaxing into it. With that, he pulls his hair out of its topknot, grabs his pack and swords, and starts to disappear into the night.

"Firelord Zuko?" He stops and turns back at the sound of Song's voice. She makes the sign of the flame and bows. "Thank you, for everything." He bows back, lower than protocol dictates, but he doesn't care.

Three weeks pass, and the air has turned bitterly cold.

Song again makes her daily trip to the village well, with snow crunching under her feet instead of dead leaves. The soldiers have returned from their work in restoring fields for the season, and so the village feels alive when she steps into it. Despite the chill, children still run in the street, under the watchful eye of their mothers and fathers. Song feels a twinge of longing, but she tries to focus on the happiness she feels for the children instead. Song sets her water jug on the side of the well, breathing hot air into her palms to warm her hands after touching the freezing stone.

"Excuse me, miss, are you Song?" A voice comes from behind her, and she turns to see two men dressed in red tunics.

"I am," she replies, tucking her hands into the pockets of her hanbok. "And you are?"

They bow to her. "We come on behalf of Firelord Zuko, to deliver a gift." A third man rounds the corner with an ostrich-horse on a tether. "We found him at a desert settlement, he's been well taken care of, but if there's anything you need -"

They're cut off as Song runs to throw her arms around the neck of the ostrich-horse. "Bao!" She strokes his beak, looking into his eyes. "Do you remember me?"

Bao cocks his head to the side, pupils widening as he chirps softly, and then he lets out a loud whinny, pushing his head into Song's chest. He purrs, closing his eyes and relaxes against her.

"Sweet Bao, it's really me, you're really home," Song can feel her eyes dampening, but holds it together as one of the men hands her a bit of parchment.

"A note from the Firelord. He wanted us to remind you that you can write to him anytime you need anything."

Song nods. "And tell him I said 'thank-you' again." Bao whinnies loudly again, and she adds on, "Bao says 'thank-you' too."

"Of course, miss." With a synchronized bow, the men depart, and Song unrolls the parchment.

Song,

I've followed your advice and surrounded myself with good people. It helps.

Give my best to your mother - my Uncle still talks about her roast duck sometimes. I've established a fund specially for women and child victims of the war, inspired by some of what you and Mei shared with me. Write me if you feel like you or anyone in your village wants to apply for it.

And, thank you for trusting and forgiving me. I'll try to keep earning it.

May the Spirits continually bless you,

Zuko

She tucks the parchment into her pocket, fills her jug, and finds herself back in Bao's familiar saddle after more than a year. "Come on, Bao," she says as she takes the lead into her hands, guiding them back to the empty farmhouse.

"Let's go home."

[if you read through this whole thing, go drink some water! I'll know if u don't :) ]

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nerdygaymormon · 4 years

Note

Do you have a link to your thoughts on the CES letter? Because I'm sure plenty of folk have asked you about it. I'm, struggling.

The CES letter has been mentioned to me a few times in asks, but I don’t recall being asked to respond directly to it.

Before getting into it, I want to make you aware of this post about Faith Transitions, I think it may be useful to you.

I read the CES letter many years ago, probably the original version, it’s changed a lot since then. I think the CES letter is sloppy, and twists quotes, uses some questionable sources, and frames things in the worst possible way. It’s basically an amalgamation of all the anti-Mormon literature. But many of the main points of the CES letter are important and correct, even if the supporting details aren’t.

In a way, the CES letter has done the Church a favor. For a long time, Elder Packer insisted that anything which isn’t faith-promoting shouldn’t be taught. As a result, most members of the Church were taught a simplified version of Church history, leaving out anything that is messy or difficult. Although those things could be found if someone was looking for them, I found many of them simply by reading Brigham Young Discourses or other works of the early church.

With the internet, Elder Packer’s approach to history turns out to be a bad one. This information is out there and now most members learn about it from sources seeking to destroy their faith. One response to this has been a series of essays where the Church talks about some difficult subjects.

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I’m not going to go through all the claims & challenges of the CES letter, but let me address some of the main ones.

1) There are errors in the Book of Mormon that are also contained in the 1769 edition of the Bible.

From the more faithful point-of-view, Joseph recognizes these passages, such as those from Isaiah, and knows they've already been translated into English and copies them from his family’s Bible. The non-faithful point-of-view is that Joseph copied these verses from his family Bible and tried to pass it off as his own translation.

2) DNA analysis has concluded that Native American Indians do not originate from the Middle East or from Israelites but from Asia.

This is correct. The Church has an essay which admits this and then spends a lot of time explaining how genetics works and one day we might find some Middle East connection. I find the Church essay convoluted as it goes through many possible (and unlikely) reasons for why no DNA of the Jaredites, Nephites or Lamanites has yet been found in the Americas.

3) There are things in the Book of Mormon that didn’t exist during Book of Mormon times, or in Central America (assuming this is where the Book of Mormon takes place), such as horses, chariots, goats, elephants, wheat, and steel.

This is also correct. Maybe the translation process was using a common word in English for a common item in the Book of Mormon. Maybe these are errors. Maybe it’s made up.

4) No archeological evidence has been found for the Nephite/Lamanite civilizations.

Correct. When it comes to archeological evidence, it's true that we haven't found any. For one thing, we don't know where the Nephite & Lamanite civilizations are supposed to have taken place. If you don't know where to look, it's easy to have no evidence. Perhaps Nephites & Lamanites didn’t actually exist and that’s why there’s no archeological evidence. The Book of Mormon does seem to do a decent job of describing geography of the Middle East before Lehi & his family boarded the boat for the Promised Land.

5) Book of Mormon names and places are strikingly similar (or identical) to many local names and places of the region Joseph Smith lived in.

This seems like a funny thing to get hung up on. First of all, it’s not very many names that are similar. Secondly, many places in the US are named for Biblical places & people. If the Book of Mormon people came from Israel, it makes sense they did something similar. For example, the word Jordan is in the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and in many places in America.

6) He points to obscure books or dime-novels that Joseph Smith might have read and the similarities between them and the Book of Mormon.

Those similarities are mostly at the surface level. To me it doesn't seem like Joseph plagiarized any particular book, and these specific books seem to not been very popular so difficult to say Joseph, who lived on the frontier, actually read them. Funny how no one from that time period thought the Book of Mormon resembled those books, probably because they hadn’t heard of them. But Joseph did hear and read a number of stories and some of that phrasing or whatever of the time influenced him. Think of songwriters, they create a new song then get accused of plagiarizing because it's similar to another popular song. Even without intending to, they were influenced by things they heard.

7) The Book of Mormon has had 100,000 changes.

Most of the "100,000" changes to the Book of Mormon were to break it into chapters & verses, to add chapter headings, or to add grammar such as commas and whatnot. There are some changes to fix errors that got printed but differed from the original manuscript. And there's been some clarifications made, but these are few in number. By claiming "100,000" he's trying to make it seem like there's a scam being done. It's easy to get a replication of the first Book of Mormon from the Community of Christ and read it side-by-side with today's version. I’ve done that and occasionally there’s a word or two here or there which differ, but overall it's mostly the same.

8) There were over 4 different First Vision accounts

True. Over the years, the way Joseph described the First Vision changed. I think different versions emphasize different aspects of the experience. I don’t find them to be contradictory. Oh, and the Church has an essay about this.

9) The papyri that Joseph translated into the Book of Abraham has been found and translated and it’s nothing like the Book of Abraham.

This is true. The Church has an essay about it. The Church now says that the papyri inspired Joseph to get the Book of Abraham via revelation, much like his translations of the Bible weren’t from studying the ancient Greek & Hebrew. It is a big change from what the Church used to teach, that this was a translation of the papyrus. The papyri has nothing to do with the Book of Abraham, and the explanations of the facsimiles in the Pearl of Great Price don’t match what the scholars say those pictures are about.

10) Joseph married 34+ women, many without Emma’s consent, some who had husbands, and even a teenager.

This all appears to be true. Emma knew about some of them, but not all. As for the married women, they were still married to their husbands but sealed to Joseph (I know this is strange to us, but this sort of thing was common until Wilford Woodruff standardized how sealings are done).

Polygamy was illegal in the United States. Most people who participated were told to keep it secret. So of course there’s carefully-worded statements by Joseph and others denying they participate in polygamy.

The salacious question everyone wants to know is if Joseph slept with all these women. We don’t know, but a DNA search for descendants of Joseph has taken place among the descendants of the women he was ‘married’ to and none have been found. But still, if he wasn’t doing anything wrong, why is he hiding this from Emma?

11) The Church used to teach that polygamy was required for exaltation, even though the Book of Mormon condemns polygamy.

This is accurate. The Church says polygamy was part of ancient Israel and so as part of the restoration of all things, polygamy had to be restored, see D&C 132:34. Now we no longer say polygamy is required to get to the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom.

12) Brigham Young taught Adam-God theory, which is now disavowed by the Church.

True. Joseph Smith didn’t teach this and John Taylor & Wilford Woodruff don’t seem to have any time for this teaching. It’s a thing Brigham Young was hot about and taught, but seems a lot of the church didn’t buy it as it was discarded after his death.

13) Black people weren’t allowed to hold the priesthood until 1978, despite Joseph having conferred it to a few Black people during his life.

Very true and very sad. This and the Mountain Meadows Massacre are the two biggest stains on the Church’s past. There is a Church essay on Race & the Priesthood. The ban appears to have begun with Brigham Young and he developed several theories to justify it, and these explanations expanded over the decades and bigotry was taught as doctrine. The Church now disavows all explanations that were taught in the past.

No reason for the priesthood ban is put forward in the Church essay other than racism. The past leaders were racists and that blinded them to what God wanted for Black people. There’s a big lesson in that for LGBTQ teachings of the Church.

14) The Church misrepresents how Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon.

The accounts of Joseph Smith putting a seer stone in a hat and reading words from it, that's part of the historic record. Quotes about it don’t make it to our Sunday School lessons, but if you go back to the Joseph Smith papers and other accounts, it’s there to read. Joseph also used the Urim & Thummim, and wrote out characters and studied them, but he seems to have most favored the stone-in-hat method. I think the main problem here is the Church in its artwork and movies does not depict this, and therefore most members are unaware until they see anti-Mormon literature. Why does the Church not show Joseph looking into a hat? Because it seems magical and weird to modern people. But how much weirder is it than he put on the Urim & Thummim like glasses and could translate that way, or he wrote out these characters from some extinct language and was able to figure out what they mean?

————————————————————

A number of the main points in the CES letter are true (even if explanations/supporting details in the CES are problematic). Some of the main points have simple explanations and don’t seem like a big deal. Others challenge what the Church has taught. To its credit, the Church put out essays by historians & scholars, with sources listed in the footnotes, addressing several of these controversial topics.

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Religion is meant to help humans make sense of their world and our place in it. Most religious stories are metaphorical but end up getting taught as literal history and, in my opinion, the same is true of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And that’s why the CES letter has power, it points out things aren’t literally true but were taught by the Church as factual, and the CES letter shows us part of our messy history that the Church tried to hide.

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The story of Adam and Eve can’t literally be true. It doesn’t fit our evolutionary past, but it’s meant to make our lives important, God created us and we have to account to Him for our choices, and it’s important to find someone to go through life with. We can say the same of Job and the Book of Ruth, fiction with a purpose.

While there are some real events included in the Bible, much of what’s written is there to teach lessons, culture, and give meaning to life. Jesus taught in parables so at least he was upfront that they were stories that contained morals.

Can I believe the same about the Book of Mormon, that it’s inspired fiction with meaning I can apply to my life, or must it be literally history to have value?

————————————————————

I went through a massive faith crisis while attending BYU. I had access to materials that told a different story of this religion than I’d been taught (the sorts of things in the CES Letter) and it threw me for a loop.

It felt like the floor of faith I had stood on shattered and I fell with no way to stop myself. After I had a chance to process through the things I was feeling, I looked at my shattered faith and picked up the parts that were meaningful to me.

I had lined up my faith similar to a line of dominoes. If the Book of Mormon is true, then Joseph was a prophet. If Joseph was a prophet, then this is the true church. If this is the true church, then...

This works until it doesn’t. Once a domino topples over, it starts a chain event.

Now I look at principles and concepts and decide if they’re meaningful to me.

I love the idea that we can spend eternity with the people we love most.

I believe we should be charitable and loving to others.

People on the margins need to be looked after and helped and lifted.

Poor people deserve dignity and the rich to be challenged.

We have a commitment to our community and we all serve to make it better.

All are alike to God, we’re all loved and God has a grand plan for us.

Those who passed away can still be saved through the atonement of Christ.

Those are all principles I find in the Bible and Book of Mormon or at church and I find Love flows through all of those.

This new approach works for me. I don’t have to believe or hold onto problematic teachings. I can drop them and still hold the parts that I find valuable. I can reject the teachings and statements which are bigoted, homophobic, transphobic, racist, ableist, misogynistic. Prophets can make mistakes and still have taught some useful things.

That little voice of the spirit and what it teaches and guides me to do, I trust it over what Church leaders say. Overarching principles are more important to me than specific details for how this gets applied in the 1800′s or 1950′s or Biblical times.

————————————————————

I truly hope some of what I’ve written is helpful.

There’s no use pretending that the CES letter doesn’t get some things correct. It’s also helpful to understand it’s not just trying to share truth, but has an agenda to make the Church look as bad as possible.

What about the things the CES letter is correct about?

Has this church helped you learn to connect with the Divine?

The Church has some very big flaws, but also has some big things in its favor. Some of its unique teachings are very appealing and feel hopeful and right.

Can you leave the Church and be a good person and have a relationship with God? Absolutely.

I also know this church is a community and it’s hard to walk away cold-turkey with nothing to replace it, without another network to belong to. It’s as much a religion as it is a lifestyle and circle of friends.

Are there parts you can hold onto? Parts you can let go of?

You have a lot to think about and work through.

#long post #ces letter #this is a much longer answer than I thought I would write

45 notes · View notes

clanonadventures · 3 years

Text

𝗟𝗶𝘀𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗼𝗻𝘀

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Dutch anon - dutchy

☑ Platonic - ☑ Romantic

Facts

-Preferably goes by she/her

-They/them would also be fine

-Fairly tall

-M e s s y a s s h a i r

-Struggles to speak English

-Her room is full of orange, red, white and blue

-First option to anything is just violence

-Very athletic (but competitive)

-Gets hurt a lot while sporting

-Overworks a lot, so she barely get sleep

-Don’t insult her s/o if you enjoy not having someone go apeshit on you

-Give her a tulip and she’ll melt

-good friendship with rhinestone 👌

-Loves all pets of the other anons

-Pls pet her tail, she loves it <3.

Design

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Squid anon - Squiddy

☑ Platonic - ☑ Romantic

Facts

-19 years old

-Works at Anon city (AC) Aquarium

-Obsessed with sea life and pirates

-Is bi

-Occasionally wears a squid hoodie

-Was kicked out of the house at 16

-Loves musicals

Design

Her eyes are purple

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ENON

☑ Platonic - ☑ Romantic

Facts

"A chaotic trickster entity with a dark and mysterious past that takes a form resembling that of popular character ENA. ENON shares many similarities and mannerisms with her counterpart, but is know to be more brutal. A lawful evil type to be sure. Her moral compass is a roulette wheel. Just wants to be entertained.

Come to think of it, I don't really think ENON had an "original form" Like she just kinda existed as a spirit/eldrich demi goddess who had it really rough before deciding to join the physical world like 'all I know is cause problems on purpose- what is love and friendship'"

Design

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Satyr Anon

☑ Platonic - ☑ Romantic

Facts

-Loves horror movies and scary video games

-18 years old and already wasted her entire life-

-Aspiring Therapist/Psychologist, is the mom friend ™️. Very sweet, with sarcastic and wise advice whenever she's needed

-Never gets enough sleep, ever.

Design

She is actually a Satyr (goat ears, goat lower half with mostly human top half, long tail, horns, etc) with thick mane of white hair.

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Peacock Anon - Viernes

☑ Platonic - ☑ Romantic

Facts

-24-doesn't have a gender, but goes by she/her

-shapeshifter of sorts

-if she becomes overly stressed (which is somewhat often) her face begins to crack and give way to static

-only reveals her true form to people she trusts a LOT, and even then, she'll only reveal her true form in private

-somewhat energetic, full of herself and sarcastic

-can change her appearance to some extent (can't change her clothes tho)

-underpaid tv host

-actually quite introverted when off stage

-sounds like ruby vocaloid

Design

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Rhinestone Anon

☑ Platonic - ☑ Romantic

Facts

-He/Him

-Has had a bad past with relationships so it's hard for them to trust anyone

-Comes off as cold and unapproachable but once they trust you then they are sweet, affectionate, honest, and cuddly

-They're really fucking tall (9'3)

-They're a cuddle-bug

-Really soft hair

-Love language is physical touch

-Has never shown anyone their true form

-Big history nerd

Design

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Bug anon

☑ Platonic - ☒ Romantic

Facts

-Average height (5’00”)

-Really nice but is quiet and likes to lurk. Really shy.

-Likes bugs, drawing, video games, reading, going on walks, sunsets, forests, cats, sweets and plushes!

-Has ASD!

-Tired (™)

-Drawing later

-Tries to be optimistic when she can

-Uses she/her, they/them, it/its and bug/bugs (in no particular order)

-Asexual and aromantic!

-Age unknown, but is a teenager

-Backstory: A sentient bug who dreamed of being an Anon so they could make friends, who’s wish was granted by a strange Higher Being/entity of light and rainbows. They live among the anons now as an anon, trying to adjust to their body and life.

-Her “hair” is her antennae- DO NOT PULL ON IT!

Design

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Coke Anon

☑ Platonic - ☑ Romantic

Facts

-Unspecified age

-Has no concept of personal space

-Someone referred to coke by they/them and they took off w/ that

-Their body is like jello in their blob form

-Their voice is autotuned on command, they do it to annoy people

-The red bit is a shirt

-Was originally named E-304 but changed their named to Coke

-Can shapeshift with no known bounds

-They CAN turn into other people, but you can tell its coke by a chunk of their hair being white/red

-Kinda stupid

-Enjoys bone marrow

-Also enjoys icecream

-Was kinda lonely for a long while

Design

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Mask anon - Melian

☑ Platonic - ☑ Romantic

Facts

- She/they

- 8'7 ft tall

- she's 19

- e n d e r m a n

- friendly, aggressive is looked at in the eyes

- wears sunglasses out in public bc for some reason she doesnt mind eye contact with them

- is only comfortable with eye contact with people they're comfortable with

- has terrible memory

- sleepwalks a lot

- loves to collect toys like dolls, plushies, action figures and small toys

- s o m e h o w manages to break an exact block of anything, even concrete

- if you mention you want something, she'll bring it to you, may or may not have stolen it

- doesnt understand what is means to steal

- can purr

- changes to enderman language when talking too fast

- knows how to speak Portuguese and will change to it when curssing at something

- used to have a brother

- knows how to play the piano and acoustic guitar

- adores calm songs like Cavetown, Mitski Mitski, etc.

- has a few pet moths that live in her pockets and two cats

- t o u c h e d s t a r v e d

- treats most of the other anons like her siblings

- only the ones closer to them can call them Meli

Design

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Bamboo Fox

☑ Platonic - ☑ Romantic

Facts

- A shapeshifting fox [REDACTED]? that guards and tends to a sacred bamboo forest on a mountain somewhere in the astral sea, I don't know.

- Has no concept of gender or age, but enjoys the sound of being referred to as he, or they.

- Is very small, like about 2 feet tall when standing on back legs in fox form.

- Has a very comforting aura to them, very chill vibe

- Will invite you in for tea

- Their rapping sounds like little yips. They can't speak, no matter what form they are in.

- If he likes you, he will offer you a single piece of bamboo with sticky rice inside

- If he does not like you, he will eat your soul

Design

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Basil Anon

☑ Platonic - ☑ Romantic

Facts

Is 7' tall. Hes a tall boy

Goes by he/they pronouns though is also agender.

Can shapeshift to an extent. Cannot shapeshift his eyes though.

Isnt even really human but doesnt talk about that, like ever.

Eyes are pitch black- like completely flat black- hair covers eyes always. (unless they really trust you)

Cheerful baby! But gets depressive episodes alone! Tries to keep a smile on his face. When in those episodes he is more likely to isolate.

Has a pet chicken named fluffy. Is actually immortal. Literally. The whole anon fam loves fluffy, and he keeps a chart to see who gets to pet fluffy, and who needs to be watched (coke).

Design

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Part 2

#anons #requestable characters #requestable anons #anon list #anon x reader #headcannons #headcanons #imagine #x reader

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karliahs · 5 years

Note

'walk a mile' and 💡, 💎, ⛰️, and ✏️? I really love that fic!

ah thank you! i’m really fond of that one too, so this is really nice to hear!

💡-What was the motivation behind the story?

i wrote it for a prompt, but the prompt didn’t actually mention shinsou at all - “izuku bodyswap or truth quirk shenanigans” iirc. i’ve been trying to write a wider variety of characters anyway, and writing a more minor character where there’s a lot more room for interpretation (and just. making shit up. as i did, a lot) interested me

plus, it’s hard to generalise across all fic, but i feel like most of the body swap stuff i find is more...external-focused? it’s about the chaos and spectacle of it all, which is cool, but i was partly motivated by trying to see if a quieter, more introspective style of writing would even work with something as out there as body swapping - like, we’re doing emotional realism but also people can switch bodies, for real, really? it was a very fun experiment!

💎- What was your favorite part?

characterising shinsou! and characterising both midoriya & shinsou through details about their space - figuring out little stuff like that is partly why i like making d&d characters so much, and will end up with characters where i can tell you exactly how tidy they’d keep their living space & the emotional hangups that represents but can’t tell you their last name

i’ve always liked buying people gifts and noticing patterns in the kind of stuff they like, so i guess it makes sense i like characterising people through objects (old fic where mic just keeps buying aizawa presents was very fun for that too)

in terms of actual sections/scenes in the fic, i do really like the opening - i like the voice there, the skimming through events, and also the concept of aizawa just throwing some two-bit villains around a car park for 10 minutes, fueled by ‘having been on a bus with So Many Teens’ rage

i’m also fond of the shinsou flashbacks, and the ‘man, body swap is kind of fucked up?’ exploration i got to do when shinsou realises this is really happening to him and loses it

⛰️- What was the hardest part?

ugh, trying to make it feel somewhat plausible that shinsou thinks he’s dreaming for so long. that’s a trope that usually bugs me when i come across it in books etc, because dreaming feels totally different to being awake!

i tried to explain it a little through the lucid dreaming stuff, which is based on lucid dreams i’ve had - where you know you’re dreaming but have v little control over what’s happening - plus, insomniac exhaustion + weird quirk stuff + Denial, but it still feels a little off to me

i’m still not totally sure what i’d do differently to fix it though - probably lean more into the denial aspect and have shinsou kind of know he’s doing something bad by looking through midoriya’s Real Actual Diaries

but also this probably bothers me more than it does anyone else

✏️-Would you go back and change anything if you could?

the title!! i wrote this fic in one day, in its entirety, and was excited enough by the momentum of that to want to post it same day, but that meant i rly just grabbed the first title i could think of. then later i thought of a song lyric i like - ‘see that young man who dwells inside his body like an uninvited guest’ from birth of serpents, the mountain goats - and rly wished i’d called the fic ‘uninvited guest.’ feels more in line with the theme stuff going on about privacy and invading spaces and feeling at home or otherwise in a body

technically i could retroactively change the title but perhaps i should not risk confusing people just so i can title yet another fic with a tmg lyric

#asks #walk a mile #ty for the questions!!#it was fun to think about this fic a bunch again #8tea

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monorayjak · 5 years

Conversation

My Custom - Planeswalker

I was hoping to get some feedback on him. This is my first, serious attempt at an original character, so don't expect anything good. Anyways, here is a conversation I wrote out between me asking questions and him responding. Keep in mind, please, it is 4 AM and i literally just wrote all this out...so...yeah...expect a few typos.

M(e): So, first off lets start with the basics, so, what is your full name?

D(urah): Durah Olren Voln.

M: Ok, so, how old are you?

D: I am 18.

M: So Durah, tell me, what do you want in life?

D: Oh, thats a quick jump...well, I guess what I really want is to find something to believe in, something that I can stand for. Plus, it wouldn't be bad if I found a group to call a family along the way.

M: Interesting. So tell me, out of the possessions you own, what is the most important one to you?

D: My most important possession is probably my mother's locket.

M: And why is the locket so important?

D: She gave me this locket when I was just a small kid, but it wasn't long after that one of the Gruul clans raided the area we lived in and destroyed everything, we found her body three days after they left, burnt to a crisp.

M: Oh...I'm sorry to hear that.

D: Its ok, I miss her all the time, but it has been ten years.

M: Of course, of course...so, what about your father?

D: My father...the Boros officer, he stood high and mighty for the people he protected, but when he came home everyday, he would drink as much as he could, and then he would yell at me for hours on end about how imperfect I was, because I wasn't him...and then he'd beat me until he had to go back to his patrols. I hate him. I left him behind at 15, and I haven't looked back since.

M: Hm, sounds like you have had a very rough upbringing, what about your friends? Who were you close to after your mother passed away?

D: I was closest to a young merfolk girl named Asimi and another human boy named Veran.

M: So, how have you three been doing the past decade?

D: Well, we started working together doing odd jobs for the guilds, but as time went on, they both joined a guild, and I kept working alone. Veran asked me to help him with a mission for the Orzhov not too long ago.

M: Hm, how did this mission go?

D: Poorly...

M: And why is that?

D: Veran betrayed me.

M: Oh...how...why did he betray you?

D: The council of Orzhova asked him to assassinate a Simic biomancer, and he needed a scape-goat. He told me it was a simple retrieval and delivery job, picking up some materials the Simic had sold to the Orzhov and delivering it.

M: And he left the blame on you after the mission?

D: Not exactly.

M: Really?

D: Yeah, the thing about this Simic biomancer, was that we both knew her.

M: Asimi?

D: Yeah.

M: Could Veran not bring himself to kill a childhood friend?

D: No...he was ready to kill us both if needed, what he didn't expect was for us to fight back. Asimi fought after he began to attack, but he did not plan on fighting fair, he knocked me into a wall and pulled a poison dagger on her. They fought while I struggled to stand back up.

M: What happened next?

D: I failed. He got a hit on her, and after that she was easy to finish off, he was using some kind of rare poison that basically sedated a person after only a few seconds in the bloodstream. Before I could get up to try and help, he had already finished it, and he used a powerful flame spell to char her body, before charging it at me. He knew I hated flames.

M: So, how did you escape?

D: To be honest, I don't really know. One minute I have a fading grasp on reality, I see the flames burn Asimi's body, and then start heading to me, the next minute, I only see a blinding light.

M: Your spark ignited?

D: I guess. I'm still new to this. But anyways, the next thing I know, I'm laying in a dense forest, with some mountains in the distance.

M: Well...seems you've had quite a rough week.

D: Yeah.

M: So, Durah, would you mind if we switch topics for a bit?

D: I'd be happy too.

M: Ok, well in that case, why don't we switch to a lighter one for now.

D: Sounds good.

M: Ok, so, why don't you explain your style.

D: My "style?"

M: Yes, like your clothes, how would you describe the way you dress?

D: Ah...well, to be honest, I don't have much of a "style," I was used to growing up with little money, I mean, my father did spend most of it on alcohol. But, I guess I would say, casual? I just wear some cheap coats and pants.

M: What about the trinkets you have on? Like that skull for example?

D: Well, most of these trinkets are signs of acceptance into guilds. Where I did so many odd jobs over the years, many of the factions began to see me as a, well, a "honorary member" I guess. They gave me some trinkets to prove it. I mean, this glove-gauntlet was a gift from an Izzet mage I helped move some cargo, and these goggles were a present from the Simic for helping me dive down on their missions. Now, the skull you pointed out, is actually from a Gruul clan.

M: The Gruul? But, weren't the Gruul the ones who took your mothers life?

D: Well, yes, but the Gruul are seperated into hundreds of different clans. This clan is known as "Burning Tree" and while they are still strong and respected, they don't really do the large-scale raids that took my mother. At least, they don't do it a lot.

M: Ah, well, what about tattoos? Do you have any?

D: A few. I have one that's modeled after the symbol the Living Guildpact uses on my shoulder, and I have a few Gruul markings along this arm.

M: Hmm, why do you have a tattoo of the Living Guildpact's symbol?

D: I respect him, he creates peace between the guilds, at least more than their was when I grew up.

M: Well. In theme with our previous topic, why don't we look at combat style. Do you use any weapons? Do you rely on magic?

D: I usually use cryomancy for combat, but I also have a staff that I can use in physical combat.

M: Any particular reason you use a staff?

D: Mostly just how I was trained. I took combat lessons from the Gruul and Izzet.

M: Combat lessons from the Izzet?

D: Yeah...believe it or not but some of them are excellent fighters. But anyway, the Gruul used staffs mainly as their weapon of choice, and the Izzet modified my original staff with some tech to channel my ice magic.

M: Handy.

D: Yep.

M: So, now feel free to deny it, but if you don't mind, what is your sexuality?

D: Oh...well.. that was unexpected.

M: Feel free to stay silent.

D: No, its fine. I guess I would have to say Bisexual. I mean, I've never really had any serious romances or really sat down and thought about it, but I don't really care about a persons sex.

M: Fair enough. Now, I want to ask you a question that, based on what you have told me, you may have strong feelings about, is it ok if I ask it?

D: Well, sure, I guess.

M: Ok, have you ever been intoxicated?

D: A few times, twice when I was little, and once when I was older.

M: Really? How did they come about?

D: The first time was a simple accident, my father left his out, and I got my hands on it. I puked for a week.

M: Hm, well, what about the second?

D: The second time was less...cute. My father found out I had taken a drink from his...

M: The first time?

D: Yes.

M: Well, how did he react?

D: He yelled. I remember one moment very clearly, he had me pinned to the floor and was yelling something along the lines of "You want my drink!? Here, have it ALL THEN!" After that, he poured a whole bottle into my mouth and beat me after I swallowed it, telling me "A real man would have spit it back out and hit him."

M: Oh...

D: Yeah...

M: Well...what about the third time?

D: The third time was to celebrate my freedom from my dad. Asimi, Veran, and I all celebrated my escape.

M: Well, sounds like that memory was a happier one!

D: I wish. After just a few drinks...I lost control.

M: What?

D: I slipped into those same actions...I almost really hurt my friends...I...I was a monster...just like him...I vowed to never take a drink again after that day. I didn't want to be like him, I wanted to be someone he would be sick of, someone he would hate as much as I hate him. But after just a few drinks...I became him.

M: NO! I'm sure you gained back control before you hurt your friends!

D: Luckily.

M: Well...with that I think it may be time to begin wrapping up, but just to end on a happier note, do you think you could tell us any quirks you have?

D: ...

M: Durah?

D: Sorry....quirks you said?

M: Yes, if you have any.

D: Well, a big one is my heterochromia, my eyes are different colors.

M: Well, any others?

D: One more...

M: What is it?

D: I count in song...

M: Huh...not what I was expecting to be honest.

D: Yeah...figured we should end lighter.

M: Fair. Well Durah...I think its about time I take my leave, thank you for meeting with me today.

D: Yeah, thanks for listening.

#mtg #magic #magic the gathering #magic the card game #planeswalker #custom #custom planeswalker #oc #oc planeswalker

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zippdementia · 5 years

Text

Ten favorite Snow Levels in Video Games

You have explored mountains, forests, rivers, a desert, maybe even gone to space. What is there left to see? Then it happens: the music becomes minimal and light (or you start hearing reindeer bells and peppy Christmas tunes), a snowflake falls, your character’s breath becomes visible. Yep, you’ve entered the snow level.

Getting its start in video game history as an easy palette swap to add variety to copy-and-paste levels (white isn’t a difficult color to work with), snow levels have evolved throughout the years to contain their own themes, mechanics, and atmosphere. Gamers today almost expect more out of their ice and snow than out of other levels. Does the character leave footprints? Do the snowflakes land on the screen? Does snow crust over on the characters’ clothes? And snow offers a wealth of natural wonders for graphics programmers to play with, from shattering ice to massive avalanches.

For me, though, what sets a really good snow level aside from others is its mood. Have you ever walked on a mountain in winter in real life? If so, you’ll know there is a soft quiet to everything. Snow and ice are fragile, but also incredibly treacherous. Nothing can kill a person as softly as snow. And nothing is quite so lonely as a trek through the mountains. Nothing seems alive except for yourself. A really good snow level will capture, through sound and graphics and situation, this feeling of being alone at the end of the world. Or it will capture the opposite! That festival feel of Christmas and the holidays, of children building snowmen and throwing snowballs, of family reunions and days off of work and school. Of holding your lover’s hand to keep each other warm while your breath frosts and mingles in the cold air.

This list focuses on levels within games that captured one of those feelings for me and still can evoke it, just by me thinking back on them.

#10 Metal Gear Solid: Ice Field

Metal Gear Solid was a series about many things, but one of its central themes is isolation. Later games in the series would hit players over the head with this (re: Phantom Pain) but in Metal Gear Solid it was captured simply by the environment, the cold, unfeeling, and yet beautiful Alaskan landscape. And the huge ice field where you fight Sniper Wolf across a vast distance would set the tone for every sniper battle to come in the series. It was very personal, yet very... empty. Like the only thing that could bridge such a distance between two people was a fast moving bullet. Beyond anything else, there was an odd symbolism and beauty in the fight that happened here, and the cold snow only added to the metaphor.

#9 Final Fantasy 6: Narshe

When I think of any Final Fantasy, I think of that opening cutscene in FFVI, where three mech warriors tromp across the frozen wasteland set to the game’s main theme and credits. Few RPGs have such an iconic opening. The three are headed to the town of Narshe, nestled in the snowy peaks in the north of Final Fantasy 6 is the mining town of Narshe. The town immediately sets the mood of Final Fantasy 6 and its aesthetic: steam billows out of ungainly contraptions, wind blows across its icy peaks, and the people of the town are suspicious and, in an unusual twist, you seem to be the enemy breaking into their town, labeled the Magitech “Witch”! Narshe sets a certain mood from the very opening, and then continues to play host to some of the most memorable moments from the game, including Terra’s game twisting transformation which ushers in the second act. You can’t think of Narshe without remembering all of these times and instantly get transported back into the feel of FFVI’s sprawling epic story.

#8 Banjo Kazooie: Freezezy Peak

And then there’s that festival feeling I talked about. Playing through Freezezy Peak is like playing through a holiday. The music, the bright colors, the giant snowman... all come together to represent everything warm and fuzzy about Winter. Like many levels in Rare’s “explore every corner to find it all” game Freezezy Peak feels like an entire world in a small package. It captures everything you might want to do in a bombastic wintery wonderland, including going up against a polar bear in a toboggon race.

#7 Breath of the Wild: any of the icy terrain

Some people consider the mansion on Snowpeak to be the best dungeon in all of Zelda history. I would agree that it is an unusual and interesting dungeon (especially when set against the rest of the Twlight Princess’ offerings) but while the trek up Snowpeak is a memorable one, it didn’t capture the feeling of being alone on a mountain as well as Breath of the Wild did. Comparing the two may seem unfair, as they are years apart in release, but really it wasn’t so much an issue of graphics as it was one of design. Snowpeak forces the player through a series of challenges, like following a scent in the darkness, fighting creatures in a snowstorm, and snowboarding down the mountain to the Snowpeak Manor. Breath of the Wild has all these things available, but it lets them happen naturally. Meanwhile, Link shivers in the cold, the music becomes soft and almost non-existent, and the amount of enemies drops off massively. With just a few little cues like this, the game demonstrates that you have entered the cold.

#6 Donkey Kong Country: Snow Barrel Blast

You’ve spent an entire game wandering jungles and forests. Then you boot up the first level of Gorilla Glacier and the familiar green landscape is doused in white. At first, my ten year old self simply found the change pretty, a nice upgrade to old school palette swaps. But as I kept progressing through the level, I noticed snow in the background. Then the snow was thicker. Then it was all around me and I was in the middle of a blizzard I could barely see through, affecting my aim on jumps as I tried to dodge enemies and land in life-saving barrels. Very few of the games on this list offer this kind of dynamic environment and it has made this level stand out in my mind for years. The change is handled so subtly that it happens without you really noticing until you’re well in the midst of ice and snow. Maybe it’s this that makes things feel so much like a real snowstorm and triggered me to feel like I really was stranded on this mountain, with no option except to push forward. Donkey Kong Country is a dangerous place, but nowhere did the environment feel so much a part of the game.

#5 Metroid Prime: Phendrana Drifts

Metroid games are known for their feeling of loneliness and isolation. For they most part, they are post-apocalyptic games. Samus always seems to be exploring worlds which reached and passed their zenith and are now fallen into disrepair. The Phendrana Drifts from Metroid Prime introduced a different kind of melancholy: that of the frozen wasteland, austere in its beauty. Here was a land that hadn’t gone through the apocalypse, it had never actually reached civilization. Nowhere did the Zebes pirates feel so invasive as they did on those serene snowy plains, their presence all the more notable for how it marred that perfect landscape. The music is incredible, such a huge part of this land’s ambiance, yet the visuals alone secure this level as one of the all time greats in snow design. I’ll never forget looking up for the first time in the stage and seeing the snowdrops strike and melt on Samus’ visor. To this day, whenever I get the desire to go back and play Metroid Prime I know that is this level I’m really desiring to see. Nothing later in the series was quite as impressive to me.

#4 Last of Us: Winter

Graphically, this is probably the most impressive entry on the list, as watching Ellie track a deer through the snow filled Winter of wherever she and Joel have ended up is an awesome experience. Snow drifts around her, builds up on her clothes, piles up as she moves through it. Everything just feels right. But what lands it a place on this list is where this moment happens in the story. Without giving too much away, Winter comes to represent not only a dark season, but a dark time for Ellie. It is the death of all that came before, the final gasp of innocence on a journey where maybe innocence was the most important thing to try and preserve. Whomever Ellie becomes in Last of Us 2, that started here, in the Winter of her discontent.

#3 Earthbound: Winters

Few games have as much personality as Earthbound, which pretty much ensures that any of the environments the game chooses to take you through are going to be memorable. Earthbound has such amazing ideas... I mean, it’s winter stage sees you summon the Loch Ness monster by chewing gum, tthen visiting Stonehenge... which is secretly an alien base. That’s nuts on an unparalleled level. The music seems like a long lost peppy Christmas song and every time I hear it I think of Jeff traveling across a snowy landscape, fighting off angry goats and flying saucers with only the help of a bubble gum chewing monkey. It’s always impressed me how much Earthbound did with so little and that earns it a high place on this list.

#2 Final Fantasy 7: the North Peaks

Okay, so the snowboarding alone would place this high on the list for memorability. But I was also always impressed by the game’s ability to capture the sheer hugeness of a frozen landscape. The further you go, the more that landscape changes. From snowboarding to traversing a huge snowland (one of the largest areas in the game) with only a rustic map as your guide, then traveling across a blizzard filled landscape, to finally arrive at the base of a huge mountain you have to scale up to reach Sephiroth. Through good pacing the game really makes you feel that journey. Then, too, there is the game’s unusual use of FMV backgrounds, which creates some very memorable scenes of high end graphics, where snow might be blowing madly in high rendering while your little lego-looking figure trods towards it. The graphical disparity for me helps to really highlight just how impressive the area is. Like nature (the background) is always going to be more impressive than you, the player.

#1 Journey: the Mountain

Journey establishes its mountain as a goal early on in the game and then proceeds to take players through a life-and-death cycle where the mountain represents both a harsh obstacle and also a symbol of salvation and renewal. There is no game on this list, maybe no game ever, that has as memorable a scene as Journey’s final moments. I don’t wish to spoil the game for those who have not played it, so believe me when I say that Journey achieves mood. To a fantastic degree. It highlights the harshness of a cold, unfeeling landscape--one that seems to actively wish for your demise. Everything I’ve talked about in previous entries on this list is here: strong graphics, little subtle touches like frost on your robes that grows thicker and thicker the higher you climb, a feeling of isolation yet connection... Journey does it all, and in a fraction of the time. If you haven’t played Journey, go do so. It’s an experience you’ll never forget and will always associate with a frozen landscape.

#Snow levels #Video Games #Journey

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synthaphone · 6 years

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thinkin about stuff

i’m very glad that people are exposing abusive people in music, that is always the highest priority

but dear god its so emotionally taxing to have to, every three weeks or so, go through my music library and delete a different artist’s music because i can’t listen to them anymore without the specter of whatever awful fuckin shit they did looming over it

like, i only had two songs by grimes, and she’s technically not a sexual predator as far as we know, but i can’t fuckin listen to those anymore!!! like, its not a matter of ‘if i listen to these, i will be doing a morally bankrupt thing’, its a matter of ‘i can’t fucking hear these without thinking about how much of a stupid asshole grimes turned out to be’

said goodbye to fall out boy ages ago because of their pedophile bassist

in an incredibly ironic twist, i had just watched that feature length video essay about parasocial relationships, which reminded me that i hadn’t listened to the rest of The Mountain Goats’ Beat the Champ, was enjoying that, and then 5 days later it turns out that the dude emotionally preys upon his young queer fans- cool!!!! i liked a lot of their music for like, a couple years, but now listening to it feels like i’m listening to some creep’s carefully curated trauma in order to garner sympathy and approval from people a third his age!!!! fuck!!!

also i briefly was enjoying that new carseat headrest album, but then there was

the whole shit that went down regarding 4l*ng and discovering that the cr*wcillers person, who Mr. Carseatheadrest is a big fan of, is ALSO a b*byfur

i kept listening to his music after that like ‘well maybe he doesn’t approve??’ but i know that was bullshit- when i found out two weeks later or so that he was an ass about how sufjan stevens’ album about his mother’s death was ‘trying too hard to be sad’, i finally just gave up on his music. the second thing is much smaller than the first, but convinced me that if he’s a dick he probably doesn’t give a shit about the first thing and so now i can’t listen to that album either

i still listen to paul simon/simon & garfunkel occasionally, because the dude is dead, i’ve listened to it since i was very little, and it reminds me of good times i’ve spent with my dad, but he definitely got into physical altercations with at least one of his partners.

my dad also played a lot of moby in the car when he drove me to school as a kid, and i loved that dude’s boring electronic music for a very long time as a result (a few songs in particular i listened to when i went to japan for a week in 9th grade, and listening to them can remind me vividly about that trip), but moby’s an absolute fucking dumbass and i know that his music is widely regarded to be terrible, so that’s hard to listen to as well.

i dunno, i guess it just feels like... i mean, with artists like falloutboy or whatever, i’m REALLY glad that they were called out for what they did, and they deserve to be buried from public consciousness. their songs were often about the subject of that dude’s abuse, its super fucked up, and i’m really glad that we know now. but man, for some of the smaller stuff, i can’t say there isn’t a part of me that envies people who listened to music before the internet, and didn’t have to know every dumbass thing about the stupid people who make it, and when the musicians didn’t have a massive platform that allows them so many opportunities to fuck up publically

anyway, that’s a pretty selfish envy when it comes down to it. a lot of the artists that my brain reacts to like ‘well, if john darnielle and grimes and carseat headrest didn’t have the internet, they maybe never would have had the opportunity to do anything shitty’, are like... people who maybe wouldn’t even be making music or famous in the first place without the internet. or people who would have done shitty things anyway, but we wouldn’t know about it, and then their victims would have maybe never found a way to expose their abusers.

i think i’m just tired, like emotionally. a huge part of me kind of just doesn’t trust musicians (especially dudes) who make ‘deeply personal’ music anymore- like, when does it cross the line from creating media to help yourself and other people who experienced similar things cope, into exploiting other people who are hurting into worshipping and validating you and your pain?

i have a renewed appreciation in TMBG for making mostly character or conceptual songs and keeping a personal distance from their fanbase- i mean, i know they’re not beyond fucking up too, but i’m just so tired. i was so paranoid that when the aquabats made their kickstarter, as much as i’ve loved that band in the past, part of me doesn’t trust them not to fuck up so badly in the future that i’d have to trash all of their music?? i still haven’t donated, either to the first failed one or the relaunch- i’m tempted to, especially since they broke down where they planned to spend all the money they were looking for, but between the fear of betrayal and the fact that i probably shouldn’t be spending much money frivolously right now, its hard to justify it. i want the stickers, especially if any of them feature lil bat, but again: what if they turn out to be awful people?? does the fact that i’m so paranoid about it with the aquabats but not with a lot of other bands i listen to mean i’m on to something, or is that extremely unfair of me??

i need to open commissions and don’t have any excuse for not doing it anymore- i’m honest to god just scared. i’m scared that i’ll either price my artwork too low, or too high, or that i’ll get a commission and discover that i can’t draw what the commissioner wants, or that i’ll mess up the payment process or the taxes involved with doing freelance...

i’ll be honest, i keep doing those centibyte colors because there’s like, a clear end goal. finish all the colors! very simple. don’t know what to do? work on another color!! nothing to worry about, i can zone out and listen to music... but shit like, buying a new laptop, finding a job, opening commissions, personal projects... changing my residency to georgia (i think i missed the driver’s license transfer window and now i’m just... trying not to think about that. denial, heyy)

and i’d be lying if i said a big part of my incentive for making artwork isn’t for validation. one of the problems i have when i consider applying for a job is that i can’t sell myself- i simultaneously KNOW i’m qualified for jobs, like, i’m a fairly talented animator, if inexperienced, and i can draw appealing illustrations and creatures- but my insecurities kind of prevent me from being able to say ‘i’m an illustrator’ or ‘i would be a good fit for your company’. like, i’ve broken down and cried in college on multiple occassions- i really don’t want that to happen at a job??? plus, there aren’t a lot of positions open near me that i’m interested in, or that fit the criteria of what i can do, and combined with my fear to check for new ones...

so posting neopets fanart (or any fanart, really) on the internet is easy validation- i’m obsessed with seeing people enjoy my work, and that’s one of the other reasons i haven’t started my personal project. i want to tell a story, but i really want to tell it for me, without obsessing over how other people will react to it or if other people will like it. i kind of know that it isn’t a very good story?? i just want to put it into physical form, as a sort of emotional fulfillment to myself. i feel like i can only do that if i promise never to post it, but then in the back of my mind, there’s always a voice saying shit like “but if it turns out good... you could eventually post it”, sort of poisoning the whole thing. i haven’t even started.

i improved so much at art after i started posting my art to the internet in high school, but i do miss how i would just draw and make stuff up for myself and my sisters when i was in middle school. some of my incentive WAS for people to eventually see it and enjoy it, in the case of when i was obsessed with designing toys, or writing a fantasy novel, but that kind of feedback was set in the distant future, and some of it was just for me, or for games i was playing with my sisters and friends. i want to figure out how to make stuff for me again

#SUPER personal please do not reblog #also some potentially triggering stuff in here- only briefly mentioned #mostly just about 'shit music artists did' mentioned in passing #this went off on an extreme tangent around halfway through

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therightprometheanfire · 6 years

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A Soundtrack For Your WIP

@dont-offend-the-bees tagged me in this the other day and I am for once getting something I was tagged in done in a sensible amount of time!! The shock!! The astonishment!! Thank you for the tag, lovely, this was fun! :)

As for other people to tag, I’m tagging @lavellington, @farah-adrienne-black, and @elijahwoodnot! Do it if you feel like it/have time/what have ye.

A snippet of your work in progress

The theme song for your WIP

The theme song for your protagonist

The theme song for your antagonist

The theme song for your protagonist’s love interest (if they have one)

The theme song for the main pairing of your WIP

The theme song for the opening chapter (if it’s a long fic)

Song for the current chapter/page (if it’s a long fic)

Any other songs you’d like to mention and why:

For this tag, I’m doing the much discussed Priestverse that @princessparadoxical and I have going! Answers + links under the cut.

SOME NOTES ABOUT THE VERSE FIRST

So this verse is essentially a giant roadtrip AU we started I think literally the day Alan Tudyk was announced as being cast for Mr. Priest where Todd, Farah, Amanda, Ken, and Vogel bust their folk out of Blackwing. They then split off into teams and start fleeing across the country from Mr. Priest and Friedkin, who are pursuing them in an effort to drag the subjects back to Blackwing. Priest and Friedkin develop a laser focus on Todd and Dirk because they keep evading them and it becomes a matter of personal pride for them.

When I say over the course of this post “the verse proper” or “the fic proper”, that’s because we envision the bulk of the verse as being that long road trip and then there’ll be stories afterwards, so “the verse/fic proper” means “the road trip”.

A snippet of your work

(this is in the middle of a chunk where Todd comes down with the flu not too long before they get together while they’re on the road which pushes at his inhibitions at physical contact from most folk and his hangups about experiencing it even when he wants to)

When Todd wakes up, he feels not really better, but his head feels a little clearer. He recognizes this at the same time he recognizes that his face is resting against Dirk’s collarbone. His hand is drifting up and down Todd’s arm, chin tucked on top of his head. Todd thinks about pressing closer. Then something occurs to him and he blinks, leaning back.

“Oh no,” he mumbles.

“What?” Dirk moves next to him. “What’s wrong?”

“I shouldn’t be…” he sits up quickly, intending to rise to his feet. It would probably be better if he didn’t get very abruptly dizzy, his vision getting a little foggy. “Oh god.”

“Whoa, don’t do that.” Dirk immediately steadies him. Todd blinks and sees his concerned face. He’s got a little bit of bedhead. It’s cute. “What is it, do you feel worse?”

“No, I can’t… I can’t be…” Todd blinks hazily. “I’ll get you sick.”

Dirk’s anxious face immediately lapses into eyerolling and maybe a little annoyance. “Oh, for the love of god, Todd.”

“Don’t-“

“Don’t don’t me, just sit back down.”

“But-“

Dirk gives him a severe look. “Todd. It is too late and you are too sick to worry about cross contamination.”

“I don’t wanna-“

Dirk leans over to the nightstand and grabs a small Gatorade bottle. “Hush, you’re going to overexert yourself and then I’m going to be cross.”

Maybe Dirk’ll let him at least put a little space between the two of them. It’d kill Todd, a little bit, he thinks, but maybe Dirk would fare better. “Can I just-“

“Probably not. Now drink this, and stay still. Your fever’s a little better but I’m still getting a new cloth for your forehead.” Dirk peels the cloth off gently. “And yes, you do need one, on account of the fact that the black plague has returned, and it has set its sights on its first victim.”

Todd grumbles but he settles back into the bed, drinking from the Gatorade bottle. It does manage to make his throat, which has ripped into flames, feel a little better, at least. Dirk returns with a cool cloth. His forehead feels a little better almost immediately.

“You’re really good at this,” Todd mumbles.

“Yes, well. Took a lot of trial and error. I mostly figured out how to take care of myself when I was sick by myself when I was sick.”

“You’re still good at it. S’nice.”

Dirk smiles a little fondly at him as he takes the Gatorade bottle from him and tosses it off the bed. Todd’s a little confused until he realizes he finished it. “I seem to recall one currently very ill individual telling me once upon a time that I was surprisingly incapable.”

“They sound like they’d probably be regretting that statement right about now.” Todd yawns wide. “You’re very capable. Sort of. You still eat like a child.” He’s starting to feel drifty and sleepy again. He motions for Dirk. “If you’re gonna insist on me getting you sick, then come back here.” He sneezes. Dirk grabs a tissue box as he settles back next to him. “Jesus, you’re so prepared.”

Dirk’s face does something funny as Todd blows his nose. “I… may have panicked a little bit at the pharmacy and… overloaded. On the bright side, we are very ready for a disease based apocalypse.”

the theme song of your WIP

ahhhhh fuck. We have so many songs accumulated for titles for chapters/stories in this verse it’s wild. The name of the entire verse (the proper name, not Priestverse as shorthand) is “but i will love you constantly (there’s precious little else to me)” from Hot Gates by Mumford & Sons, and that song is a little more bitter about the other person in the relationship than the verse is when it comes to the two of them. Probably The Deepest of Sighs, The Frankest Shadows by Gang of Youths, a song that Hannah introduced me to (“I will stand in the darkness and laugh with my heel on its throat” is a very Priestverse line), and I think there’s a lot of When You Were Young by The Killers in there (“we’re burning down the highway skyline/on the back of a hurricane that started turning when you were young” is also a very Priestverse line). Honestly, the thing is so huge at this point that I don’t know if there’s one song that can fit the whole span of it.

the theme song of your protagonist

almost the entirety of this verse proper is just Dirk and Todd rattling around the country and getting closer in a succession of cars and a variety of motel rooms, so to pick one of them out as a particular protagonist is hard, but it’s from Todd’s POV. Again, this verse is vast, and Todd undergoes significant character development throughout the course of it. The guy gets better at handling and processing and expressing his feelings and it’s this whole rocky kinda road, so finding one song for him is tricky. But Kamikaze by Walk the Moon is probably a decent shot, as well as Warning Call by CHVRCHES and The Cave by Mumford & Sons.

the theme song of your antagonist

the two main antagonists are Friedkin and Priest. Wilson is ostensibly the chief villain, but I’m not sure we ever actually see her in the verse, now that I think about it. She sets Priest and Friedkin on the two of them and I don’t think we really see her, she’s just pulling the strings. I don’t know if the lyrics fit super accurately, but reading this question, the very first thing I thought of for Priest was the cover of Bad Moon Rising by Mourning Ritual, cause it’s real slow and menacing. As for Friedkin, I’m not 100% sure (something scary but also kinda manic) but seeing as it only says antagonist singular and not plural, I’m grabbing that and running with it cause I got Priest down.

the theme song for your protagonist’s love interest (if they have one)

fuck me, I’m not sure. Dirk is a bundle of insecurities, self doubt, and self loathing (although it manifests differently to Todd’s self loathing, something I’m actually intending to touch on in a bit for the verse I’m working on in a couple days), but also a bundle of extreme determination and love. He also goes through significant character development over the course of the work (better grasping his self worth as well as better conveying his emotions similarly to how Todd does). Grah, this would be so much easier if I picked a smaller verse. I think The Last of the Real Ones by Fall Out Boy is a pretty Dirk song for this verse, and that’s probably the closest off the top of my head, but I’m sure there’s loads more.

the theme song of the main pairing of your WIP

actually two rise to mind for this, and one of them makes sense and the other doesn’t entirely. The first is Everlasting Light by The Black Keys, which is a song about love and relying on each other, which fits. The second song is Old College Try by The Mountain Goats, which as anyone who follows me knows is one of my all time favorite songs in the history of music, but is also about a couple facing the end of their marriage but resolving to face it together. However, seeing as in the song it is not depicted as specifically the end of their marriage but the end of the two of them, a lot of the lyrics are pretty fitting (“I will walk down to the end with you/if you will come all the way down with me” is pretty damn Priestverse), so I’m counting it.

the theme song for the opening chapter if it’s a long WIP

The way Hannah and I are currently discussing structuring this verse is not as a story with a boatload of chapters, but a series on AO3 with a boatload of stories, some of which may have chapters. We have a prologue-y kinda story set for the verse, but seeing as it has not yet been written (or even mapped out very much), I’m gonna go with the first chapter of the first story of the verse proper, which opens with Todd, Farah, Amanda, Ken, and Vogel busting into Blackwing to break out their people. The song I’ve been thinking about a lot is, predictably, Jailbreak by Thin Lizzy.

the theme song for the current chapter/page (if it’s a long fic)

I’m actually working on a few different chunks of the fic right now, from Todd’s first pararibulitis attack in front of Dirk to the two of them discussing feelings on a park bench not too long after they actually get together to the two of them wandering through an IKEA closer to the end of the fic. I’m gonna pick out C’mon by Panic! at the Disco and Fun. for that last one, which is not a perfect fit, but the lyric “with everything falling down around me/I’d like to believe in all the possibilities” is integral to the whole theme of that chapter/story/whatever it ends up being and really towards their state of mind towards the end of the fic.

any other songs you’d like to mention and why

This is what my word program currently looks like. The first bit tab there is a doc where I type out all the chunks of all our various verses as I work on them. The third tab is what I sent Hannah a few weeks ago that was all the chunks of the Priestverse organized as you may be able to guess chronologically. The fourth tab is the actual rough draft doc for the entire verse, where I’m putting everything in chronologically and separating the story chunks out as I’m thinking they’re going to have to be published, to be sent to Hannah once it’s in a sizable/coherent state. In the fourth tab I have a list of lyrics/quotes to be used as chapter or story titles, and it goes on two full pages. This sounds like I’m being irritable or bitchy, but honestly, I’m so fucking excited to share this with y’all, so it’s me being thorough and not cranky.

(the tab that’s open now is where I’m typing all this out so I don’t lose it if tumblr glitches out and the second tab is a separate fic I’m working on that’s essentially an amnesia fic set in a pocket dimension where you can absolutely tell that I loved Waiting for Godot in high school)

So there’s a lot of songs and a lot of them as you may have guessed by now are Mumford & Sons. But the ones I would personally throw in there (that haven’t already been mentioned) are:

-Coloring Outside the Lines by MisterWives because there is a lot of angst in this verse, but there’s also a lot of light and joy, and I think this fits the silver lining of the verse nicely

-Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford & Sons, almost entirely because I picture the whole “stars, hide your fires/these are my desires” part of the song as being Dirk’s feelings about being his own person with himself and with Todd

-Bury It by CHVRCHES ft. Hayley Williams and I can’t state all the ways this song is applicable at this current time but trust me it is

-Press Restart by Walk the Moon because the lyrics “I am not the subject/I am the experiment/I am mad scientist/invent my way out of this” has always felt very Dirk to me and I think I actually mentioned in one of the two layouts for this verse I have with Hannah that I think Dirk eventually gets a “I am not the subject/I am the experiment” tattoo at one point.

I’m gonna end with those because I could go on for a while. Hannah and I are pushing hard to get this thing done in the next few months so we can show it to y’all, and I can’t wait till you get to see it! Hannah, any thoughts?

#dirk gently #writing stuff #kate talks #music #thanks for the tag darlin!

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doorsclosingslowly · 7 years

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@sl-walker asked: Literally ALL OF THEM for Riches and Wonders.

(first chunk of the answers is here, Riches is here)

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

I spent six whole months on it, haha. Apparently, that’s 1/4 of the entire time I’ve been writing fanfic.

Also, Maul and Savage actually talk to each other occasionally instead of just making small gestures. It took so long for them to have an actual conversation. I very much appreciate how nonverbal their relationship is, but. It’s just. Please talk, dudes. The future prospect of writing Maul interacting with Talzin in a fic where he doesn’t know what she’s done to Savage would kill me

7: Where did the title come from? / 13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn't listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?

The title’s from one of my favourite songs by the Mountain Goats. Usually it takes a while until i’ve figured out which title I want, but Riches and Wonders was called that before I put down a single word, because I knew that this was the mood I wanted to match. The diffuse unease. This dynamic, which is genuinely affectionate but doesn’t, can’t, stop the discomfort because the discomfort is with yourself, was what I was writing about.

I don’t actually listen to music when I write, because I’m easily distractible and I want to be writing and not singing along. But there are a few songs I associate with the fic anyway. It probably means something that they are literally all my favourites probably that the thoughts I ended up putting into this story are thoughts I’ve been thinking about for a very long time

There is the actual song, Riches and Wonders, and I tried So Hard to match the mood of the fic with this song so:

You find shelter somewhere in me I find great comfort in you And I keep you safe from harm You hold me in your arms And I want to go home But I am home

Also You’re Tender and You’re Tired by Manic Street Preachers is a song that fits I think although I can never use any line from it as a title because it’s as good as writing “I love Savage SO MUCH someone please give him a hug” lol

But it’s too late to be real No time to be strong enough Memory has become pain

Rebuild the void with flowers Sad-eyed destruction built around sand and sea Yes, you can build yourself around Build yourself around me

Also some more Manics songs from This is My Truth onwards, Nicky Wire’s songs about loss and being lost are great. Not gonna make this too long, so Bobby Untitled (Bits of me don’t exist anymore / I can’t replace what’s been and gone) and You Will Always Be My Home (We will walk together / We will never part / We tattoo ourselves and each others’ hearts lol)

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it?

Terrible confession time: Yeah, me. Savage’s the least pre-defined POV character I’ve ever written (apart from Jess Pava, but that fic was outsider POV about Finn), everyone else has been a main character or Maul with his books and comics and decade of fanfic, and that’s how I prefer it, usually – I take as much characterization from canon as I can. I think trying to figure out someone else’s reasoning adds… edges? Like, decisions I wouldn’t have made about the character, and so they have parts that don’t quite fit or don’t fit in an obvious way that make them interesting, if that makes sense. (Runaways is also the first fic where I’ve made up OCs like Pranxoh and Socvumo that get a fair bit of page time, but I just don’t know enough about the EU to figure out which canon character would fit.)

So even though I’ve looked at Savage’s body language especially A Lot More than is entirely reasonable, there were many things I extrapolated or made up. Especially since I ended up focusing so much on how he thinks and not just how he acts. Some of his experiences and traits are adjacent enough to mine that I used myself as reference. So, between the relationship with his transformed body, the difficulties with expressing himself sometimes and the lack of assertiveness, Savage ended up with a lot of traits I don’t like about myself… (I am So Bad at words in real life, hence why I like text communication because the conversations move slower and I have time to think about the words I’m saying and the conversation doesn’t always move on without me, and probably also why I’m such a slow writer. And why going nonverbal is a recurrent theme in my fanfic lol) I don’t hate Savage for being like that but I never pretended not to be a hypocrite

The “We’re just having a friendly conversation OH SHIT” has happened to me, not a lot because I’m not that attractive or good at conversations with strangers but occasionally, and I do freeze up. The main result is usually that I just never reply. The thing after was a common nightmare, although I’m doing much better than Savage because I was a shut-in as a teenager who read a lot about feminism and consent and asexuality hahaha

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?

I spent a few days agonizing over whether I should divide it into three chapters (injury, picnic, Keeu/Sith conversation), three different fics or leave it as one, but in terms of what’s in it? I always knew the ‘mood’ I wanted, I knew that it was going to be about the coping mechanisms Savage and Maul have learned not fitting with their new life & about them awkwardly trying to be nice to each other… It was just a matter of figuring out how to get there.

#runaways 'verse #dimtraces makes things #sl-walker

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