how to be heard: how do you sleep at night?
series masterlist.
matt murdock x fem!reader
summary: matt’s made the decision to familiarize himself with the non-human. unfortunately, that comes with it’s own disadvantages.
warnings: uh daredevil stuff, ya know. blood and all that, angst (i guess), fluff obviously
a/n: this is the most dialouge i’ve ever written in my entire life. so, good luck. nonetheless there’ll probably be one more part because i havent even gotten to the scene that inspired this horror film.
*
you'd started bringing him coffee in the mornings.
somehow, you'd already known how he took it. how much sugar, how much cream.
and then other days you just brought it black, surprising him when the cup landed on his desk, and you whistled as you walked away.
see, he hadn't realized you were there until it was too late.
he wasn't any less unsettled by your presence. the apprehension hadn't left his startled bones.
though, he was briefly aware that he'd begun to appreciate your amusement at his surprise. that he enjoyed the careful chuckles that followed as you walked away.
he didn't pay any mind to that. especially not at work. it didn't matter.
he'd begun speaking first in the room, noticing your presence there even if he couldn't hear it.
he was getting better at guessing. he could almost tell when you were smiling, now. he could almost hear you before you started talking.
not that he was entertaining your games.
he did like the coffee, though.
*
"matthew."
your voice was an alarm clock right next to his ear.
it only took one word from you to make him flinch back, surprised that he hadn't felt you when you were so close to him.
but when your laugh followed, his shock wore off. replaced by a blissful irritation.
matt briefly cursed foggy for leaving right before you came up. he suspected that it wasn't just a coincidence.
"how do you sleep at night?" he answered back, void of any greeting. he was sure to keep his face clear of any smirk.
you weren't supposed to know that he was anything but annoyed at you.
but still, you must've been smiling. matt heard your bag thump against the chair across from him. "with dreams of you, naturally."
he laughed begrudgingly, leaning back. "i didn't realize you were coming tonight."
you gasped. "karen didn't mention me?"
matt could hear foggy walking from the bar, probably carrying your drink over to you.
your silence was followed with: "i ran into her on the way home from work. figured you might miss me."
matt nodded, very seriously. "the office is terrible without your perennial questions."
you'd been missing from his desk for the past two days. supposedly out looking for a lead to a case.
matt thought it was more plausible that you didn't have the money to buy him coffee anymore.
you snapped, and matt figured you were pointing at him. "i knew it," you said, and matt let his lip twitch.
it was then that the clinking of glasses subsided from matt's ears as foggy placed them on the table. he handed a drink to you and clicked his tongue at matt who hadn't finished the first one.
"knew what?" foggy asked, his presence changing the air between the two of you in some subtle way.
matt couldn't decide if it was a welcome change. if he was the slightest bit agitated to be forced to focus his attention on something other than the way you spoke when you were smiling.
he didn't pay any mind to it.
"matt was just saying how much he missed me."
foggy laughed and slung an arm around matt's shoulder. "the man's an open book."
matt put in an effort not to kick him from under the table. instead, he adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat.
but you, of course, weren't going to let that slide. "really?" you asked foggy, though matt was sure your smirk was pointed towards him. "because i think there's a lot to be learned about our darling matthew."
matt raised a brow. "like what?"
"like where'd you get those shoes? i mean, really, matt, wingtips?"
he scoffed, aided on by foggy's snort. "too cheap for your standards, y/n?"
a bell rang from the other side of the room, but matt knew you hadn't looked away.
"that's not even to mention how paranoid you are all the time," you leaned in a bit closer. he held his breath.
matt shook his head again, raising another eyebrow in void of answer.
foggy was smiling in acknowledgment. "he kind of is."
matt was sure you tilted your head at him, still not looking away. "see?"
"only of you," he promised. "and that's only because you got karen and foggy to trust you in three minutes flat."
somewhere far away, foggy sighed. "she reminds me of my mother."
"i think you mean to say that i'm very charming," matt laughed, but you didn't bother to pause. "and that you'd like me to share all of my secrets."
"sure," he agreed, but it was mostly just to keep you smiling at him.
and then matt finally heard the clicking of karen's heels, the exhale coming from foggy, the shaking way his heart seemed to beat whenever you leaned in too close.
it was becoming a common occurrence. a dizzying feeling.
foggy whispered a desperate "help me" to karen as she came over, drawing a laugh from you and effectively getting you to lean back.
matt finally took a breath in, careful to be as quiet as possible while he was sitting right next to you.
he didn't mind the interruption.
he'd walk you home later anyway.
*
and he does. it'd become a thing in the couple of weeks you've been integrated into their nights out.
foggy goes home with karen, you go home with matt.
simple as that.
neither of you mention anything the next morning. you don't discuss the drunken thoughts you've shared, or the curious way matt chooses to describe everything you do.
what happens on your walk home stays there, and matt likes it that way.
but, he doesn't like the tension that follows the next morning. the worry that he'll have slipped too far, that both of you will dig yourself in so deep, so far down that hole, and you'll have to talk about it.
because silence can be unnerving.
and it always is, when he's walking you home.
"...foggy didn't say that."
you laugh. "i was there, matt, you can't lie to me."
still, matt shakes his head. "he was drunk."
"just like you when you gave yourself the black eye?"
in an accidental gesture, matt bumps into you.
in the same sort of gesture, he's managed to tune everything but you out. the world has gone quiet, void of everything but your laugh.
you're teasing him, still.
"it wasn't a black eye," he swears to you, footstep only slightly slower. "i tripped. there was a bruise."
"and you still refuse the dog..." he's sure that you're shaking your head, sure that you're smiling, sure that you've had too many drinks, and that he's far too distracted by you to be trusted with the responsibility of walking you home.
but what does matt know, anyway?
"i'm not the one tripping on air," he says, gesturing his head down to the unsteady beats of your feet.
he's somewhat surprised that he can hear it, but when your voice comes out a bit slower, and your fingertips trace the fabric close to his elbow, well, he's not really surprised.
"that's on purpose."
"you're stumbling on purpose?"
"maybe i just want you to catch me, murdock," you're whispering to him when your foot gives out and it's no longer a question of if.
matt is quick to reach over, quick to notice, and quick to grab onto your arm, effectively keeping you from falling face-first into the concrete.
slightly concerned but mostly amused, matt wraps an arm around your shoulder, ignoring how hot your skin is under his fingertips.
"you okay?" he asks, with just a slight chuckle. his grip is tight, and his heart is sure not to let you go.
"see?" you whisper, just barely, and you're laughing with him. "i'm nothing if not effective."
matt shakes his head at you.
slowly--because the two of you seem to cling onto the dark as far as you can reach--but surely, you've made it to your apartment building.
matt hesitates to let you go, knowing where you are without having to say it, but as soon as the vibration from your skin fades the slightest bit, his grip is gone.
and so is the feeling of you, so close to him.
he never really notices how much he enjoys it until it's gone.
still, he smiles at you, sure that you're looking back at him. "can i trust you to make it home safe?"
you must nod your head because no words come from you, no footsteps that matt can hear.
you're silent for a moment, but matt's sure that he can feel your gaze on him. he's sure that you're still there. you usually don't leave without saying goodnight.
and then, the smiles resume. “how’s my heart?” you ask him, surprising him with your voice.
it's an anomaly to him, how you can always just be there.
matt hums. “silent.”
you laugh a little bit, just barely loud enough for him to hear. he can't hear you step towards your door. he can't hear you walking away.
“really?” you say, voice slow, sultry, smooth as it draws him in. “because i’m pretty sure it’s racing.”
matt raises an eyebrow. he can’t tell when you move a step closer. but he can smell you, and he was intoxicated minutes ago.
he's been distracted since you first knocked on his door.
“and i’ve got this weird feeling in my stomach..” your words are slow, hinting. “i feel a bit light-headed.”
matt frowns, listens as close as he possibly can, searching for you, even in the dark. “are you sick?”
but you’re a step closer. you’re a bit too silent, a bit too calculating. matt whispers your name and there’s no response.
but he can feel it. in a delusional sort of way. he knows you’re smiling at him. he knows you’re close, he knows you like this, in the quiet, in the dark.
“matthew,” you whisper and it’s not the first time. he’s a bit dizzy. “i really want to kiss you.”
and he pauses.
yes, he'd noticed the flirting. he'd noticed your lingering, in moments like this, when it was just the two of you. he's noticed your cautious laugh, your reassuring words. he's noticed how close you always are.
he's noticed all of it.
but the words shock him, distract him differently.
there are plenty of things running through his head, plenty of curiosities that remain unanswered about you.
like your inhumane bluntness. like the way you've effectively trapped him here, standing in front of you.
but mostly, he's just thinking yes.
"you're drunk," he protests, attempting to move back, but his feet are glued to the ground.
you sigh, right next to him. "i'm not drunk, matthew."
"you were falling two minutes ago."
your voice is so close. "i already explained that," you say, and it's mostly a plead.
matt knows how close you are. he thinks that your heart might've been a tidal wave--if he could just hear it.
you're right there. and you whisper one last "matt," right next to him, and well, it's enough.
he's been flooded.
one of his hands wraps around your waist before he can begin to contemplate it. the other moves towards your jaw, towards the sensitive point of your skin, and then, with one gentle push, he's pulling you even closer.
any other moment he might've been blind-sighted by how strong you smell, by how dizzy you make him. he might've been confused, just feeling the skin, just feeling the silence of your heart, the void where a rhythm should be.
but somehow, it's impossible to think as soon as he's kissing you.
it's impossible to wonder if you're anything but human because you're soft, because you're pushing against him, breathing into his mouth, and he's been dying to kiss you for weeks.
when you gasp against him it feels like you're stealing his air, like you're contemplating murdering him and he just can't bring himself to care.
when he moves his hand from your jaw, trailing it to the back of your kneck, you move against him and he can feel your inhales from every point of your body.
he can't hear anything, but he can feel everything.
and finally, when you've effectively ruined any conceivable thought matt has, you break away, taking in some air.
and matt can't seem to move.
"you okay?" you ask him, voice riddled with unutterable ideas.
and matt can't nod, can't respond to you.
but he's sure, god, he's sure that you're smiling. he's sure that he can feel your lips on his, even when you're three feet away.
he's so sure that you are anything but a living person.
"are you smiling?" he asks, just to ground himself.
and when you laugh, when he hears your voice again, well, he's surprised that he guessed right.
*
because matt can't hear you--in any sense that is most familiar when it comes to his "hearing"--he can't hear when you show up at his door.
he can't hear your fast-paced heart, can barely hear your voice from down the hall.
in fact, only at the first knock did he realize his stumbling around might've been slightly louder than he'd intended.
only at the first knock does he open his eyes, does he contemplate moving, does he realize that he's still alive.
what a stupid mistake.
it's because he can't hear you that he doesn't realize that it's you.
it's maybe, he'll think later, the only reason he opens the door.
because he's polite enough to apologize to the neighbors, even when there's blood quite literally pouring from his face.
it's because he can't hear you that he's so surprised to feel your hands on him, to feel you practically grab him as soon as the door is open.
"oh my god," is all you can whisper before you're pulling him away, leading yourself into his house, and he's finally realized that you aren't just a stranger.
that you can see him.
that you are seeing him, like this.
"y/n-" he starts, trying to get himself out of this in whatever way possible, but you're already so focused on him, so soothing with your quiet words, your shocked tone.
but your calm goes away as quickly as his surprise.
"what the hell happened to you, matt?" you demand, pushing him against his sofa, staring down at him, he's sure, with stunned eyes.
he knows you're not teasing, if only for the shortened version of his name.
matt laughs, maybe surprised, maybe confused.
"what?" he asks, only slightly delirious. "i'm fine."
you push at the bump on his forehead, the worst type of black and blue.
"ouch."
"you're a terrible liar," you tell him, voice quiet but stern. "and i'm taking you to an ER."
it's not a question, but matt shakes his head anyway.
"i'll be fine," he protests, voice shaking. "i am fine. will you-" he swallows, taking in air he no longer remembers hows to breathe. "will you just get me the first aid kit? it's in the kitchen."
matt doesn't hear you move, and he almost doesn't think anything of it, but then your voice is closer to him. "you're not fine, matt. you're practically bleeding out on your sofa-" you break off, and move away from him. "why do you have a first aid kit in your kitchen? has this happened before?"
matt can tell now, if only for the sound of your voice, that this isn't going to go well.
"will you get it for me?" he asks, voice clear of irritation even though he's irritated.
he shouldn't have answered the door.
"answer the question, matt. all of them."
this is a contrast. this is such a drastic difference from how he'd last left you--with a smile on your face, with laughter ringing in his ears, with the taste of you on his mouth, and your scent printed in his mind a million times over.
this is not how he wanted the night to end, not how he wanted to tell you any of this.
he never really wanted to tell you.
still. "i'll tell you everything," he says, making an effort to cross his heart with his sore hand. "but i don't want to get blood all over the couch."
the look on his face is pleading.
but almost immediately, your presence is erased from his area. you've moved away from him, and started rummaging through his cabinets.
he thinks about telling you where exactly it is but abandons that thought because it's gone silent.
he figures you're walking back over, feet as soundless as they always are.
"are you going to give yourself stitches?" you ask him, voice tense. "i think you need them."
instead of answering, matt lifts his hands out towards you, taking the kit from you.
it's then that the shock has really worn off.
"you are," you answer for him, voice both awed and disgusted. you're still whispering, and matt can't tell how mad you are. he can't tell if you're still worried.
usually, he would hear it.
now, he just hopes you'll keep talking.
he nods.
"where'd you learn to do stitches?"
a sort of smile hits his face, a sort of effort to ignore the pain coming from his side. to ignore the tension he can feel from you--or maybe just from himself. it doesn't matter.
"i used to sew up my dad when i was a kid."
you're definitely not smiling, he knows. "how old?"
there's a sharp inhale from matt, who's just begun with his thread, and then: "nine."
"your dad let a nine-year-old give him stitches?" your voice is dubious, cautious, so much quieter than he's used to.
"yeah, uh," he laughs, only a little, and shakes his head. "i guess he preferred that to the risk of infection."
and then it's quiet again. you don't say anything else, don't move--well, you might. matt can never really tell.
too many mistakes and too many failures have occurred, too many thoughts going through matt's head to allow you to stay quiet for too long.
so he continues. "my dad was always pretty reckless."
you snort, still watching him. "we know where you got it from, then."
this time, the silence is uncomfortable.
you sigh, and matt can tell you've moved even further away from him. "are you going to tell me what happened?"
matt pauses, tilts his head towards you. "yeah," he says, promises, lies. "i got into an accident. i was-"
"that's bullshit."
he stops. tries to analyze the sound of your voice, much louder, much more forceful now.
he shakes his head. "i don't-"
but you sigh, you move closer to him--making it harder for him to breathe, to think clearly, just as it always does--and you stop his hands from moving, rubbing his knuckles in a gesture he shouldn't understand.
but he does.
"you're daredevil," you say, and the words are barely a whisper.
matt's eyes go up, unable to comprehend your words as they are.
he wants to deny it. wants to tell you so badly that you're wrong. he wants to keep you away from this, from him. he wants to go back to earlier when he was just kissing you.
but he doesn't want to lie anymore.
"how can you know that?" he asks, mostly just irritated, just shocked, just tired.
"oh come on," you say, a little bit breathless, a little bit irritated. "you thought i was a murderer for weeks after we met-"
"i didn't-"
"-and that's just because you couldn't hear my heart. you just know things, and i don't know how, or why, but you do." you've stopped breathing now, stopped whispering sweet words that matt like to hear. "you come into work with bruised knuckles every day of the week, and no one says anything about them. you refuse to come out with me, foggy, and karen nine times out of ten, and when you do a certain vigilante is always missing," you pause, voice fading. "and i can see the mask on the floor."
matt can't say a thing, really, because he hadn't realized just how much you'd been watching him.
"i'm not stupid, matt," you finished, voice softer, somehow quieter, somehow harsher to his ears.
he's never wished to hear your heart more.
"now," you say, moving closer to him, "do we need to go to the hospital, or are you going to finish stitching yourself up?"
he can't smile. it feels impossible because he's sure that you're not. he can feel that if anything.
still, he nods, continuing to thread a needle through his skin as if it could fix the danger that's just entered his house.
following in with wonderful words and a captivating voice.
threatened by the secret that matt was so dedicated to keeping.
it's all gone now, somehow.
still. "will you- will you just keep talking?" he asks, voice quiet, heart pounding.
he doesn't deserve this.
"i, uh," his words are fake, his fear is so palpably real. "i can never tell where you are, or if you're even there, so, if you'd just keeping talking it might-" he swallows his breath, swallows his pride in a steady flow of pain.
he's sure you nod though because he knows you.
"does it hurt?" you ask, ignoring the wince on his face, ignoring what you already know.
"only a little," he promises, breathing in sharply.
"what actually happened?" you ask, and it's not the same question as before.
he smiles a little bit, morosely. "i jumped out of a window."
suddenly your breath has disappeared from his ears. he's sure your eyes are wide. "i'm sorry?" you say, after a moments hesitation.
"it was either that or get shot."
you're silent. he's silent.
he draws some more thread out. "why did you come, tonight?"
you inhale sharply, watching him intently, he's sure. "you called me, matt."
"i did?"
"it was silent when i picked up. it was so quiet, and i kept saying your name but..."
"i don't remember that," matt says and it's almost a promise. almost an apology for putting you through that.
another mistake to check off.
"it felt wrong. so, i decided to come over. even if you were just sleeping and accidentally dialed... i just wanted to be sure."
matt nods, he nods and refuses to let the guilt invade his body any more than it already has.
it doesn't listen.
a beat goes by. "does foggy know?"
matt nods, brows furrowing at the memory of this same situation. at the assumptions and the mistakes he's made.
"are you mad?" he asks, unable to keep the thought out of his head.
"mad?" you repeat, voice confused, dubious. and then you laugh, but it's not the one that repeats in matt's head when you're gone.
this one is cruel, bitter.
"i wish i was mad," you say, and it's more confusing than the laugh.
"what?" his head tilts towards you, listening closely once again.
"i'm just..." your voice drawls, your breath pauses. "worried, mostly. i've been writing about you for months."
matt swallows. "you don't think it's wrong?" he leans away from you, only a little bit, distancing himself from your answer. "that i'm a criminal?"
you laugh again, the same way. "that's what i'm saying, matt."
he remembers a time before this when he was deafeningly afraid of you.
when he used to be shocked by the silence that followed your every word.
he craves it now. your voice, your vibration.
"i was so curious about daredevil, all that time," your voice is a bit awed, a bit bitter. "and now..."
"now?"
"it's different when it's you. i mean, i've had my suspicions, but looking at you like this-" your voice breaks off, your silence is full of weight. "it's scarier, now that i know."
"are you okay?" he asks, just to be sure.
you laugh, don't say anything because there's no response to that. but you're there, he knows that you're there. he's sure of it.
he revises. "are we okay?"
and this time, your breath is an exhale of unspeakable things.
"yeah," you say. "we're okay, matthew. we'll be fine."
he can't respond to that. can't feel anything but the relief he's been searching for since he opened that door.
and so, he listens, so closely, so clearly, for the banging of your heart.
he's sure that now, more than anytime, he should be able to hear it.
but he doesn't, he never does.
"you've never seen yourself like this," you tell him, an attempt at teasing him.
he laughs, but it feels strange coming out of his mouth. it hurts his stomach.
he feels when you move closer, settling yourself inches away from him.
he's sure that you're observing, checking for any more bumps or bruises.
you'll find thousands, hidden beneath the scars under his skin.
still, he reaches a hand out towards you, wanting to feel you more clearly now, wanting more from you, now that you know this.
"are you smiling?" he asks, and even though he knows the answer
well, he leans in a bit closer to wait for your response.
*
my masterlist here.
part three.
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