#also I think the fandom has a tendency to brush off the fucked up things she does do

[layla-carstairs]

Maryse winning that "which parent does Alec take after more?" poll by a landslide is still so crazy to me. like Alec literally swore on the Angel that he'd kill Clary if she ever told Jace that he was in love with him, wdym he's not like Robert????? he's literally his father's son?????????

[mymarifae]

i think the most important thing in the world is vbs being best friends who love each other so much and are super affectionate with each other like. listen to me:

- when toya hugs kohane he'll pick her up a tiny bit (a tiny bit is all he can manage. noodle arms) and she squeals with delight every time

- toya just really likes hugs in general. it's suuuuper common for him to just come up behind akito or an or kohane and wrap his arms around them and lean his head against theirs. hello and goodbye hugs with him always last a good 20 seconds because he won't let go sdjfjsnfkd

- kohane loooooves to tuck her hand in the crooks of her teammates' elbows while they're walking together. this way she won't get lost <3 sometimes she'll hold onto like, akito's elbow with one hand and an's with the other. it's very cute. and as vbs has grown closer, she's started to switch to hand holding. (don't tell anyone but akito's her favorite to hold hands with because he swings their arms as they walk and it's cute)

- also, kohane's hair tends to be messy because of her damn hats and this bugs akito so he spends a lot of time fussing over it. he'll just sort of...tug her closer and take out the pigtails and comb through it with his fingers. at some point she starts packing a brush in her bag to placate him. i like to think akito knows how to do hair because ena will sometimes make him do hers so after a while he stops just rebrushing kohane's hair and starts pulling it up in different ways... braiding it... etc... and he starts keeping things like hairspray in His bag. yknow. jic

- the hairstyling extravaganza extends to an and toya too. (i mean there's only so much akito can do with toya but he tries...) it's a calming thing for him - fiddling with his teammates' hair as they plan setlists or wait backstage. and having your hair played with is always nice <3

- i think shortly after teaming up an started giving kohane little kisses on the cheek. not as a romantic gesture - just simple affection! and after a while, she starts kissing toya and akito too. toya is always happy to lean down so she can pepper his face with little platonic kisses, but she usually has to wrestle akito. it's all in good fun and he'll always relent and let her kiss him in the end

- speaking of platonic kisses, i ALSO think that akito gives toya little kisses from time to time. it started back when they were still BAD DOGS. toya wasn't having a great time one night and after soothing him with a good sturdy hug, akito kissed the top of his head. it completely floored toya and akito blew up when he realized what he did. and they never fucking talked about it <3 but since toya didn't seem MAD about it, akito decided to stick with it and kept giving toya kisses like that. it's not common, and he ONLY does it when they're alone. except for when they make up after their little divorce arc in the main story. IGNORE the gunjo sanka mv and listen to me. they HUG after their heart to heart. and akito kisses toya's cheek. right around where he punched him

- but an's overaffectionate nature kind of rubs off on akito after a while. so he becomes less stingy when it comes to kisses and starts giving them to kohane and an too <3

- they lean against each other while sitting like kohane might cuddle into toya's side or an goes and lays her head on akito's shoulder

- and they have sleepovers and they fall asleep comfortably tangled up together (or not comfortably. at all. seriously cuddling while sleeping can get so uncomfy but it's worth it to be so close to someone you love). ken's taken quite a few adorable (and sometimes really funny) pictures of all four of them passed out on piles of blankets and futons. just dad things

i could go on forever it's just. platonic affection is so important to me and it's so frequently Ignored in fandom spaces. and in the case of vbs and the prsk fandom specifically, there's a tendency to separate vbs into akitoya VS anhane. which is so 💔 because the whole POINT of their story is that while they started off as separate duos, that's no longer the case! they've become such good friends. they're inseparable.

like even jokes about akito and an being "wlw and mlm hostility" are starting to wear on me because... they're friends, guys. they're incredibly close. akito is always looking out for an and is right by her side to support her through all the shit she's currently struggling with. there's no "hostility" present in their relationship. like, if you actually look at the game's text, an... rarely teases akito. the person who teases him the most is actually toya but you know... whatever... gotta reduce an down to a mean lesbian amirite... completely ignoring that she's one of the kindest characters in the whole game...

idk. i juuuuuust wish that this fandom wasn't so defensive and obsessive over shipping akitoya and anhane (mostly akitoya while anhane is a second thought but YOU KNOW) because it results in so many people watering down vbs as individuals And as pairs - because all they care about is shipping. like i promise that the other dynamics in vbs are worth exploring (both platonicallyand romantically but too much of this fandom still feels threatened by m/f vbs ships). and hell, explore akitoya and anhane on a platonic level, too! don't just jump to shipping them because teehee boyxboy and girlxgirl. take the time to understand what draws them together in the first place

i love friendship. i love when friends outwardly express their affection for each other and it doesn't have to have any romantic implications. can we talk about friendship for once like this game is literally The Ultimate Friendship Simulator feat. Hatsune Miku

[sn33z3s]

is kyle a good friend to stan?

“We didn’t really think too much about, like, what it was saying on a bigger level. [...] When we came back, I was like, ‘I don’t give a shit what we say about Stan, we just have to have Duck President.’” - Matt Stone on You’re Getting Old, Season 15 commentary

the problem with that question is how subjective the answer can be. do we all measure friendships the same way? furthermore, there is a significant moment in the now often-debated episode, Assburgers, that i feel gets glossed over during this discussion: in the scene where stan begs kyle for the secret recipe, and kyle refutes him

(obvious yet necessary disclaimer: i’m not matt or trey, and i’m also not the first fan to have thoughts about south park. this interpretation is transformative, not necessarily unique)

so, after kyle's confusion and refusal, the fast-food executive says: “oh, right, like a friend would walk out on somebody who was diagnosed with a serious illness.” when kyle defends himself, his exact wording is: “you said ‘fuck you’ to my face, stan.” then, stan claims he “didn’t realize what he was saying.” the executive comments again: “oh, yeah, like any friend would say something that severe and then try to take it back.” (caps below)

the executive, in this scenario, is the narrative itself. kyle has done stan wrong by eventually giving up on stan in a time of need - or at the very least, what can justifiably be interpreted as abandonment. however, stan has also done kyle wrong by giving into an overwhelming amount of negativity, rendering kyle’s attempts at balancing both stan’s needs and his own throughout YGO and Assburgers futile. the episode tells us… they are both in the wrong. i hate stating the obvious, again, which in this case is “kyle was doing his best, considering he is a child,” but it may be worth mentioning here.

anyway, as the consumer, any art can be debated, but i do think this was purposeful. i notice a tendency for fresh south park fandom to be very one-way-or-the-other about this arc, which is surprising, considering the gray-tone of sp overall (versus black-and-white thinking). You’re Getting Old and Assburgers are episodes about stan and kyle being shitty friends to each other. however, stan, essentially south park's protagonist, is going to be the one we empathize with more. this is neither a correct or incorrect choice to make, rather, one that naturally falls into place. if kyle had, from the start of the episode, agreed with stan in full and was able to help him without any struggle, there would be no plot. 

south park does say some things very blatantly. unfortunately, due to its format (“we’re not being serious! or are we?”) some jokes inevitably get taken in as serious notes by the fandom. in contrast, other profound moments are just brushed off as jokes, once again, by the fandom. 

as of late, i have seen: categorizing kyle as “unresponsive” when stan called him to ask about tolkien’s name in s25e2, even though the tone was for framing stan’s overreaction as hilarious. kyle also has yet to visit stan at the farm, which can either be purposeful or incidental on m&t’s part. if it’s purposeful, what negates the stan-critical writing in this arc, as well? alternatively, how can we say it is not simply a detail m&t have forgotten to make an episode featuring? that’s the thing: none of us can say either yet. i have more to say on this end as it relates to Post-COVID and Return of COVID, but i'll elaborate on that in a later post.

it’s interesting that the YGO-Assburgers arc is now (as in perhaps the past two years, or so) regarded as a “loss” for stan/kyle shippers. in any case, stan said he loved kyle, and not with air of humor surrounding (versus something like The China Problem). it’s also strange to frame the labyrinth that is male pre-teen best friendship as “broken” when they fight, considering that is very normal, common, expected, and at times even beneficial to strengthening said unconditional friendship.

stan and kyle are not the same person. the main point of YGO & Assburgers was for stan to be a vehicle through which matt and trey explore the shittiness of growing up (depression). i believe that this is not something that would have been an episode very early on, in the seasons where the show was establishing and emphasizing the close bond between stan and kyle. if they weren’t shown to be extremely close, their break-ups would have no impact. kyle, stan’s best friend, is going to be the reactionary character; kenny is too far in the background, and cartman is cartman and would not care whether or not stan is feeling depressed. which leaves kyle. the same can be said for stan, when stan is in opposition to kyle. conflict is how you create a storyline.

the stan-kyle dynamic and its reputation in fandom has become something of a “damned if they do, damned if they don’t” situation. in other words: if stan and kyle have a consistently healthy and close relationship, then they are disregarded as “boring” and “uninteresting,” or even “conventional.” however, if they fight, then it becomes this argument of stan deserving better than kyle; even though, as far as i could tell, “deserving” isn’t a matter of any relevance in a ship, though most specifically a ship where two characters (who by those episodes have lived under 10% of their lives) consistently choose one other, consciously, for a variety of reasons.

“That’s the way kids think. It’s like, ‘I just wanna wake up in the same bed every day and have the same great day...’ and then you get to be a certain age, and it’s like, bad shit starts happening, and you don’t get to go back.” - Matt Stone on Assburgers, Season 15 commentary

[kaizokuou-ni-naru]

The Voyage So Far: Whole Cake Island

east blue (1 | 2) || alabasta (1 | 2) || skypiea || water 7 || enies lobby || thriller bark || paramount war (1 | 2) || fishman island || punk hazard || dressrosa (1 | 2) || whole cake island || wano

sanji is such a self-sacrificial idiot. and i know that’s not exactly a ground-breaking statement, but it does define the entire first half of whole cake island, so it may as well be reiterated here: sanji does not value his own life as much as he should, and fails to grasp that other people care about him outside of what he can offer them, which is why he’s so surprised when luffy later comes charging headlong into big mom’s territory.

zou is a really good little arc, and it also mirrors the themes of whole cake island in miniature. the minks collectively make a massive sacrifice and risk absolutely everything to protect raizou, and wci is essentially all about loyalty and sacrifice, whether its sanji giving himself up to protect the strawhats and zeff or luffy and the strawhats facing impossible odds to rescue him to pedro giving up his life to get them all out of there safe.

huge fan of this panel partly just because it’s cute and partly because it’s a great visualization of just how dysfunctional the heights are in one piece.

zou is one of my favorite settings in one piece just for the sheer creativity of it. zunesha is so massive and so mysterious and so strange. and she really looks unspeakably old just from how she’s drawn, looming over everyone and everything, eyes hollow and empty, an entire forest and an entire people growing on her back that have been there for thousands of years. it’s just so neat and so wildly inventive.

this applies to zou as a whole, but i think it’s really cool how all the little threads that will become important during wano are set up so effectively even before whole cake island starts. we get this shot here of kidd beat to shit and then forget it because so much happens between here and when he shows up again in wano, but then oda punks us into caring about him and killer so much and this retroactively becomes very important.

ever since his introduction sanji’s always been a character basically defined by his adherence to his principles: always feeding the hungry, never wasting food, never hurting women, never using his hands in combat. he’s probably the most firmly principled person on the crew, and that’s more obvious in whole cake island than in any other arc except maybe baratie.

sanji is very stubbornly good, which puts him in acute contrast to his siblings and their general cruel apathy. it’s something i really like about him.

i’m a huge fan of big mom’s introduction, which is also our introduction to tottoland in general. it’s cutesy and colorful and musical while simultaneously being deeply creepy, with lyrics about killing people for ingredients and making jam out of blood, which is a great summary of the core of big mom’s character. she’s an old lady all in pink who lives in a cartoon fairy-tale land- but she’s also a deranged cannibal, and all those singing trees and flowers are animated by the life she steals from her citizens as tax.

whole cake island draws on a lot of fairy tale motifs (especially with brulee), and the contrast that saccharine appearance creates with how fucked up the actual content is is super effective and memorable, i think.

honestly i find most of the content of sanji with the vinsmokes just plain upsetting, which i’m sure is intentional, so i’m not going to go into it a lot here, but i am including this panel of him kicking niji in the face.

sad as this scene turns out, luffy’s absolute thrill at finding sanji and the corresponding bafflement of the vinsmokes as to how the fuck he even got there always kinda makes me grin.

i always love seeing people’s underestimations about luffy get thrown right the hell out the window- because let’s be honest, he’s easy to underestimate, he’s like a five and a half foot tall rubber teenager and not very physically intimidating and all, and then he goes and pulls off the impossible without blinking.

the thing that makes luffy unique as a captain has always been his willingness to rely on his crew, and his willingness to openly admit that reliance, like he did all the way back in arlong park. most of the other contenders for the pirate king’s crown we’ve seen- big mom, kaidou, crocodile once upon a time- have been stubbornly individualistic people who explicitly shown not to care for their crew and allies, generally seeing them as disposable.

luffy is the opposite of all of them, because his crew are everything to him, to the point of being willing to sacrifice his dream for them. and the loyalty he wins from them in return is unmatched, as opposed to big mom and kaidou, who both get cheerfully betrayed not just by their own crewmates but by their own children.

brook is really cool in whole cake island, and honestly it comes at just the right time for him as a character. ever since his introductory arc in thriller bark until this point he hasn’t gotten a ton of focus, so it’s great that he gets to be the mvp here and demonstrate exactly why he’s a strawhat pirate and how much he’s grown over the timeskip.

oda is generally really good at introducing and handling characters contained to a single arc/saga, but i do think he absolutely knocked it out of the park with pedro. he has an interesting backstory, compelling motivations, and basically an entire sub-arc ending in his death that never distracts from the main plot, but only ever adds to it.

pedro really feels like a fully realized character who’s had a whole life offscreen, who we just happened to catch at the very end of his story. i think that’s super impressive.

i really love this moment, because for me, this is the moment where whole cake island becomes a tremendous arc, and where the tides begin to turn and the dominoes begin to fall, one after the other. this is sanji hitting absolute rock bottom. the one ray of light he pinned all his hopes on was a lie, and he can’t even light a fucking cigarette.

but one piece is, very often, a story about picking yourself up even when you feel like you can’t.

i think there’s something lovely about how much one piece emphasizes the value of honestly asking for help. luffy waits for nami to ask for help, and for robin to say she wants to live, and for sanji to admit he just wants to go home, and then says, “okay, i’ll make that happen.”

it just makes me so happy how happy the stawhats are to know sanji’s back with them. it reminds me a lot of how they all brush off robin’s thanks after enies lobby. sure, they’re going to have to crash the wedding and confront big mom directly and might all die, but who cares? they’ve got sanji back. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, i love how much they love each other.

i think the gangster outfits are super fun, and i love that oda is committed enough to his aesthetics to come up with an excuse to put them all in formalwear. it pays off, they all look extremely snappy.

i know i just said it in the dressrosa posts but i’m reiterating it here because this is my favorite example of it by far: i love when oda does this split-screen thing with his panels. the contrast between the two halves of pudding is so severe and yet they’re so clearly the same person i honestly just find this pair of panels fascinating to look at.

this panel also kind of gets at my favorite thing about pudding as a character, really. i know she’s a little controversial in fandom, but i’ve always found her entertaining (at least post-reveal), especially in the contrast between her unhinged evil side and her genuinely sweet romantic side and her post-wedding tendency to randomly ping-pong between the two.

i just always like reminding people that sanji is fast enough and his observation haki good enough to dodge a surprise attack, while thoroughly distracted, from katakuri.

sanji in this arc tends to get shit from a certain side of fandom for being ‘useless’ since he doesn’t have a big climactic fight despite being the focus of the arc, which i think is thoroughly missing the point. sanji is still plenty capable in combat, as demonstrated both here and later, with chiffon and oven. it just happens that his strength isn’t what saves the day ultimately, because combat ability isn’t everything, which is the entire point of the vinsmoke backstory/subplot. sanji saves the day just by being kind.

i’ll admit big mom’s flashback isn’t one of my favorites, taken in isolation- there are some parts of it that kind of unresolved (at least as of now- i still suspect they’ll be followed up eventually), and in general, although there is a tragedy to it, it doesn’t quite hit the way many of the other more effective flashbacks do. that said, i do think it does a really good job of succinctly explaining why big mom is the way she is in the present: she’s a child who was never told no, who never grew or matured past the disappearance of her adopted mother. that’s it, and that’s enough.

i’ve always been a little bit in love with how seriously and consistently one piece handles its themes of found family, and sanji outright disowning judge in whole cake island is maybe the most outright they ever get: family is found, not made. you owe nothing to your blood and are never beholden to your abusers.

and i just like that a whole lot.

i do think the tamatebako is one of the best uses of chekov’s gun i’ve ever seen. we’re first shown it at the end of fishman island, it’s revealed it got sent off to big mom rigged with explosives which is a minor “oh fuck” moment, and then it gets forgotten about, because the entirety of punk hazard and dressrosa happens in between! which is a lot!

i remember when i reached the moment in whole cake island where we’re reminded that that bomb still exists and is still waiting to explode, i just started laughing hysterically out loud, because i’d completely forgotten, and now that i remembered i was just delighted to know it was going to definitely go off at some point, almost certainly in a very satisfying way.

pedro is, if i remember right, the first time the imagery of the coming dawn that will become quite important in wano really has attention drawn to it in-text- the recurring motif is there before this, of course, dating all the way back to the names of the first chapter (romance dawn) and first island (dawn island), but this is the first time it’s actively addressed in-story.

in doing so, oda essentially presents a fresh mystery for us, but one that has been set up so consistently ever since chapter one that it feels like it fits perfectly into the world and story.

luffy’s been punching way above his weight class ever since crocodile all the way back in alabasta, fighting enemies who clearly outmatch him but always managing to win anyways, but his fight with katakuri is maybe the clearest the sheer differential in strength ever gets, because katakuri’s powers are similar enough to luffy’s that he can pull off pretty much all of luffy’s techniques, but better. so luffy has to fall back on the two things that have always been his greatest strengths, again all the way back to crocodile in alabasta: innovation and sheer fucking stubbornness.

one thing i love about one piece is how no character is immune to being clowned on. absolutely nobody. everybody looks like an idiot sometimes, and it makes everything so much more fun than if the series took itself more seriously. katakuri basically actively tries to avert this by building up a fearsome, flawless, and utterly no-nonsense persona, but it winds up failing hard because it actually only makes the contrast and surprise of his actual personality and vices that much funnier.

i’ve always loved this one panel of carrot going sulong, because she just looks so monstrous, like a true werewolf. the same goes for the shift in big mom’s design when she starts going truly mad with starvation and gets even more threatening-looking (below). i just think oda should let women be monstrously scary more often.

i do really love that the entire climax of whole cake island hinges on the degree of trust and faith the strawhats, and sanji and luffy specifically, have in each other. they’re all facing massive challenges that would seem insurmountable to an outsider- luffy facing down a yonkou’s commander with a bounty of over a billion and sanji remaking a massive cake that took months to plan and make in just a few hours, the others evading big mom’s full forces and big mom herself for a full night- but none of them have even a shred of doubt that the others can manage it.

i wrote a meta post awhile back about one piece’s concept of ‘honor in a pirates’ fight, and what it came down to is this: honor can never be expected between pirates, but the best of them will show it anyways, and it can be a very telling judge of character. nobody would expect katakuri to do this, and luffy even calls him an idiot for it, but he has enough respect for luffy as a strong opponent to do it anyways, and that’s how we know for absolute certain that even though he’s an antagonist, he’s also a good, honorable person.

i really like the gesture of luffy leaving his hat over katakuri’s mouth, especially because until this point, we’re never even given any indication that he’s really noticed it, let alone that katakuri is insecure about it. he never reacts to or comments on it (which is in itself kind of unusual from someone who tends to nickname opponents by their appearances as often as luffy does) one way or another.

and then he does this, confirming all at once that he did fully notice and understand, he just doesn’t care. which i think sums up one of the more under-appreciated aspects of luffy’s character- he’s generally way more observant than people give him credit for, especially when it comes to people, it’s just that he has a very different sense of what’s important and what’s not than your average person.

i love the sheer contrast between big mom’s delighted, rapturous singing as she devours the wedding cake against the violence taking place on screen as her army rains fire and hell down on the thousand sunny. it parallels her initial introduction at the start of the arc perfectly, and is just an excellent way to close out the arc with a bang.

i said it earlier but it bears repeating here, for a different reason: luffy is not very physically intimidating. he’s shorter than most of the other main characters, he’s a lanky teenager, he dresses casually and his most identifiable accessory is a farm hat.

but then there are times when he looks like a captain, like a future pirate king, and it just looks so natural on him. i can never get over it.

i really like that, after spending a whole arc demonstrating just how different (and how much better) sanji is than the vinsmokes, it ends like this- showing us just how similar he’s grown up to the man he’s chosen as his real family, and just how proud zeff would be of him.

[im-the-punk-who]

GOD okay listen I know we in fandom talk a lot about the representation that James McGraw gives to gay and bisexual men in media but like.

Honestly, the thing that gets me so choked up about this goddamn pirate in his goddamn pirate show is how few tells the show gives you that he is a man who fucks men. (As a note I DO headcanon James as bisexual but for this discourse I’m specifically talking about how he has sexual relationships with men so i’m gonna refer to that as him being ‘gay’. But like. We do not stan bi-erasure on this blog.) 

You know he’s gay because the show gives him a lover, because he tells you, because his feelings for Thomas are very clearly romantic and sexual, but there is nothing in his dress or physicality or actions that gives it away. So often in media when there is a gay character - especially a main gay character - you clock them immediately based on a part of their look or movement or word choice. They’re always the soft characters, the weaker, smarter guys, or they have nice hair, or really care about their looks or are fragile, not the leading sort.

(This is just a screenshot of the first search page when i put in ‘gay characters in tv shows’, to try and explain the Look I’m talking about. It’s the hair style, the clothes, the actor’s face type even, that, if you watch enough gay media, you can clock who the gay character is by those choices.)

And then Black Sails came along and said ‘You know that character we’ve repeatedly shown to just go off the fucking rails, who doesn’t give a shit if people disagree with him, who is educated but also oh my god so terrible with people, who gets dirty and bloody and doesn’t complain about it, who we had beat a guy to death with his bare hands in the very first episode? 

He is gay as shit. 

And then they just...seamlessly integrated it with his character in the smallest, most poignant ways. Like it is a huge part of who Flint is but there’s not ‘before the viewers knew I was gay and after they knew I was gay’ moments - he is just always that. And they never take away anything else from the first season Flint, they never sacrifice his masculinity to achieve that.

The scratch on his cheek, the weird clothing lines! This is a man who only keeps his hair that long so he doesn’t have to brush it and routinely forgets to take his shoes off in the house. 

They allow him to be dirty and bloody and scrappy and not always put together. They put him in the same kinds of clothes the others wear and in fact a lot of the times he is pointedly not the prettiest one on screen he looks just like everyone else and I just - 

As a gay guy it can feel a lot like you need to perform your sexuality. Even in queer spaces the tendency to ‘act gay’ is so strong it has literally shaped the identities of gay men I know(myself included). And part of that is the desire to be visible, right, but I feel like it it’s also because there are so few characters in popular media like Flint who just. Are. Gay. No frills. No ‘here’s how you know.’ And if you never see the difference you think ‘god, is there something wrong with me that I like men but don’t look like that?’

To see a show just go ‘yeah this character is gay but we’re not gonna play it for laughs or shits or have the trope of gayness thrust upon him but just - he’s played like a real goddamn guy.

Black Sails really just saw every trope around masculinity and queerness and then went 

[ectonurites]

My least favorite type of fic!Tim is when he’s portrayed as depressed/very mentally and emotionally unstable, but also at the same time as someone who is like lauded as being super dangerous/the most skilled or something like that?? Those fics where Tim is chugging caffeine and barely sleeping, but characters are still like “oh I wouldn’t wanna piss off Tim he is Dangerous” and that’s annoying enough but then there are fics that at the same time as that portray him as like on the edge of a breakdown. It’s very irritating even if I’m not sure I can articulate exactly why, it just really rubs me the wrong way. Like, I definitely do think Tim has some issues with depression and stuff, but in fics like those it’s treated more like a quirk sort of instead of a serious issue

LMAOO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT i’m not a fan of that either. I’m apologizing in advance if I sound mean in any of this critique i’m about to give of that fanon version of him. I want to preface this by saying that people can write whatever the hell they want, like, they’re allowed to! And I’m not referencing/calling out any specific works here. Just trends. But I’m gonna bitch about some things I’ve noticed that annoy me, personally. (so again, not saying other people can’t enjoy this stuff! just. not for me)

so like sorry if im mean but this is just me ranting and also this is my blog anyways so:

(nobody take this as an attack on them please because it’s really not)

The problem is a lot of those fics seem to interpret Tim’s behavior in Red Robin (& especially like that last whole arc of his Robin run also by FabNic) as if that’s his normal, rather than the result of a few years of CONSTANT traumatic incidents pushing him to a breaking point (because while all the shit he went through with his Dad, Steph, Kon, Bart, and then Bruce dying was spread out over several years for us as readers, it’s regarded as like within two years in canon! It all happens when he’s 16 and 17. According to the Batman comic right after War Games, Jack was murdered only days after Steph died.

(Batman #634)

That’s a LOT to process for one kid jesus christ) 

I love Red Robin honestly, I do, but it is about Tim at the lowest points in his life. It’s the grand finale of Tim’s story, and everything crumbles, that’s kinda the point! The end leaves him in a position to either rebuild himself or fall apart. It’s all about how he chooses to continue after this point!

(Red Robin #26)

The way he acts and the things he does in that comic should be regarded as such. He can’t live the way he does in Red Robin forever or he will literally burn himself out/become something unrecognizable, like, jesus it’s kinda even acknowledged in the comic when he thinks about what his potential futures would be if he keeps it up like he’s doing:

(Red Robin #25)

He sees himself as dead, as Batman (which he has countless times said he doesn’t want to be and at this point in his history almost every time he’s seen a future he became Batman in he had become a killer), or needing to retire and taking over an Oracle-esque role, likely because he exerted himself too much to continue. 

When you look at him around this same timeframe when he’s not isolating himself/too deep into the mission and is instead working with his friends back on the Titans, you can see that he is starting to heal and work in a more positive direction. He’s choosing to work on coming out of this rough period by being together with his friends who he loves.

(Teen Titans (2003) #100)

Not to say that you can’t write about situations in which he doesn’t start to come out of it, but if you are doing so it’s something you should be taking seriously because that’s the idea you want to explore, not just acting like it’s perfectly okay or normal? (And again, there are a lot of works that do explore it in good ways, there’s just also a LOT that don’t)

Like, so much content I see just make any sadness and depression and tendency to over-work himself that’s rooted in his traumas (which! those do have a basis in canon!) into a quirky personality trait rather than a response to trauma. Acting as if he’s always been this way and it’s normal for him. That’s what bothers me. If people want to seriously explore the effects of all these incidents and how that plays into his ability to do his job as a hero, then hell yes do it! But when it all gets brushed off as ‘oh thats just tim, he just doesnt eat or sleep or feel any happiness but like its fine he’s just always been like that’ I feel my blood boil. 

This also often strikes me as related/tied to fanon’s seemingly never-ending quest to make Tim into this victim of so many things he really wasn’t. They make his childhood 10x worse than it actually was (yes he was lonely because he was sent to boarding schools rather than having his parents around, but he was NOT just left home alone all the time as a child. 

(Batman #441)

He snuck away during a school vacation week to follow Bruce one (1) time and to then track down Dick. This is established in his introduction story! PLEASE read Lonely Place of Dying!) and it just... going with those fanon assumptions as being true changes so much of how people characterize him! 

Some people will also (not to call out tim/kon shippers especially because I  literally am also one but) vilify the shit out of Steph and make their relationship out to be some abusive thing rather than just... a messy teen relationship between vigilantes because they had really complicated lives and baggage with one another? Which they both acknowledge they made mistakes in!

(Red Robin #10)

Or people will vilify the shit out of Dick in regards to the situation at the start of Red Robin, or literally just make anyone who Tim ever had a disagreement with out to be the bad guy despite the actual situations always being way more complex and multi-faceted than that.

And then on top of all that, aside from making him into this ‘im broken 24/7 and not doing anything to fix it also everyone around me is terrible to me’ type of character, because he’s a lot of people’s favorite, they also want him to be as cool and strong as he is at his high points. So they’re projecting all this stuff onto him that makes him what should be a barely functioning person but then also act like that’s fine and he’s able to be a dangerous badass on top of it. 

Like I’m sorry but someone who is going out and actively acting as a vigilante like that which is incredibly physically taxing is NOT surviving on coffee alone and no sleep. That’s literally not possible, he’d fucking collapse. (And like, again, if you want to explore him pushing himself to that point, that’s one thing! but acting like he can manage all of that for more than a few days at a time/maybe while working on one really tough case is nuts!) and like, even canon can be a little guilty of this type of thing particularly since the New 52 (Detective Comics 2016 had more than a few references to him barely sleeping, but at least they also made references to him eating normally/healthily and he wasn’t completely self isolating or anything) (and also that comic had him be so self sacrificial he was ready to die to save everyone and only didn’t die because of Mr.Oz’s interference, he’s definitely not in his best place there) but usually it’s still within some realm of possibility.

Also like. The fanon ‘chugging coffee to survive thing’ just annoys the shit out of me because, like, yes there’s a few moments in canon where he’s under a lot of pressure and pushing himself further than he normally would and had some coffee (one of the only times I can even remember him having it on panel is... oh... during that last Robin arc I just mentioned a little while ago shouldn’t be where you source your normal characterization of him because it’s a very difficult situation that pushes him further than he normally would go! huh!) But the thing is like, people play it off for laughs, or like it’s a normal thing he would do at any time in his life! If you want to explore him pushing himself and using coffee as a crutch, like, there’s ways you can write it that takes it seriously, but almost every time I see it come up in fics it is like a core part of his personality and just ‘oh haha silly tim always with his entire pot of coffee he must chug every morning or he’ll die :^)’ And that bothers the hell out of me. 

In general it’s just... people treat Tim so weird. They want him to be so many different things that he’s shown himself to be at different times for very specific reasons, except they want him to do all of it at the same time which just doesn’t work. A person can’t function like that, and it’s not even close to who he is in canon. 

Again, people can do what they want, and this is just my opinion obviously, but yeah. My two cents on the matter.  Read Lonely Place of Dying, read Young Justice, read his Robin run. Read his comics and get a feel for who he was before all the rest of his trauma, and see how he canonically reacts to it along the way. I know reading comics can be tough for some people but so much stuff just echo chambers and becomes barely recognizable in this fandom and it’s just... a shame when it happens with a character ya love. 

[bitchapalooza]

Hetalia nekotalia headcanons(covering just a few of them)

It seems weird that the cats would just be called "Italy-cat" by the actual nation whose name is already Italy so I wasted my time in figuring out their possible breeds and searching up acceptable names(unless stated otherwise) for them that the nations may pick for them and even where the nations obtained these cats. I think they've come to value these cats on the same level as themselves due to how long they may have been around(the same goes for whatever other pet(s) they may own). I thought this was a fun thing to do and honestly it was! :)

Might do more when I get the time again~

***Tw for mentions of animal abuse***

Americat:

Domestic long hair, possible Maine Coon mix!

I think America adopted his cat in the 1980s. He was just a kitten, abandoned outside a supermarket in a box with a sign with one other kitten inside. At least 2 months old. America, having a big heart and soft spot for animals of any kind, took them both in. However he was already struggling to buy proper food for his other animals so he needed to find a different home for them. America ended up keeping one, as he fell absolutely head over heels for him, and named him Liberty— for obvious personal reasons. America raised him for the majority of his life as an indoor cat but with how much energy he has he decided to train him to be an outdoor cat as well, even teaching him to use the doggy door. This gave him enough room to actually grow faster into the adult cat he is now compared to if he'd ALWAYS be around America(as in staying small due to the slow aging around America).

Canacat:

Domestic longhair, possible Maine Coon mix!

Canada adopted him after America offhandedly asked. Canada was pretty stuck when it came to naming him. It was 4 weeks into owning him, mostly calling him a range of names such as Paul and Rookie but never sticking to one for even one whole day, but when Canada was just sitting there eating breakfast before leaving for his daily duties, just a normal quiet morning it came to him. Again, he was just sitting there. That is until the kitten figured out how to climb onto the chair next to him that is. He sat there meowing and pawing at Canada's thigh for 10 minutes while Canada ate. And then he tried to jump onto the table 3 times in a row. Canada gave in and allowed him up there for a minimum of 3 minutes. Not even 1 second passed and suddenly the little rascal is trying to steal the last couple bites of pancake. That was apparently what he wanted. And so Canada named him Pancake! Pancake was an energetic little kitten that a spring in his step but he did mellow out as he grew into adulthood. He's mainly an indoor cat. Come winter time when it snows, Pancake has a tendency to forget the existence of snow so he goes bolting for it only to regret it later.

Germany-cat:

A black or gray German Rex!

Germany isn't exactly a big cat person, he prefers dogs. But after this kitten followed Prussia's cat all the way home and noticed how thin he was he couldn't resist taking care of him. Germany ended up naming him Maus in reference to how tiny and often silent his meow was as a kitten. Now it's just a hilarious name as he's grown quite big and has a very strong meow! Maus is a very well behaved cat although it seems he doesn't favor being played with. He's most often seen at the top of his cat tower or in the window basking in the warm sun. As he was previously found as a stray outside he still does favor being outside. He tends to escape whenever Germany unlocks the doggy door or when Germany let's the dogs out in the backyard to run around for a bit. Maus may be a very mellow cat but he does tend to be loud when he wants food and doesn't want to wait for it. He also tends to attack people when suddenly being pet.

Prussia-cat:

An albino German Rex!

Prussia adopted him in 1998 after his and Germany's new home became a little overrun with mice. Prussia affectionately named him Gunther. Gunther was a spunky little kitten, in fact he was the runt of 6 other siblings and noticeably different to his siblings in appearance(originally thought to just take after the father's white coat despite the orange coats of his siblings and mother). Prussia chose him, the teeny little runt, after watching him easily sneak up and take down his bigger sister and win the play-fight he started. Prussia proudly took him home and trained him to catch the mice! Some years later, Gunther apparently got curious and brave and got loose outside. He was gone for weeks. He came back with a limp, a fresh scar, and a kitten clinging to his side. Gunther rarely escapes outside anymore. Prussia didn't know Gunther was albino until took he took him to the vet for his shots.

Itabby and Romano-cat:

They're both European shorthairs!

When the Italies were freshly unified and everything was still pretty awkward they were forced to go bond by taking walks every morning. Veneziano didn't mind this, he enjoyed the morning and even more so the countryside around them. Romano however could care less about it all and just wanted his bed back. Veneziano was all conversation, very observant of his surroundings as he commented on them to strike up an interesting conversation. And that's how he noticed a man cruelly stuffing two kittens into a sack on their way out of town. After alerting his brother, the two confronted the man. The man claimed these two were sick because neither were getting any of their mother's milk like the rest. Romano demanded he hand the kittens over or else he'd regret it. Veneziano annoyed him with his whining to the point where he gave in and handed them over quite harshly. Once they got them safely away from the man they took a look at the 1 week old kittens; they were both terribly skinny but clearly hanging on for dear life and the brothers both agreed, for once(well more like Romano kept saying "whatever the fuck you want"), that they wanted to help these poor creatures. Luckily for them they knew a stray cat that just had another litter of 3 and could perhaps try to get her to accept two more. And she did! Well it took a day but she did eventually take them in and feed them. Veneziano immediately decided that once they were old enough to eat solid foods he was going to keep one of them and name him Gino! It took a while for Romano to warm up to the idea of keeping even one but he eventually did. He took the other kitten and named him Sonno. They've lived so long due to just how clingy they are to the brothers. Their aging was so slowed down because of how often they're near the Italies that they didn't become fully grown adult cats until some time around 1932.

Japan-cat:

Japanese bobtail!

Named Yoshi* for being Japan's little lucky charm. Yoshi was left behind by his previous family after they moved away. He left his home and began wandering around until he got to Japan's house. Taking notice of how the cat stuck around his house, Japan began feeding him. And feeding him. And feeding him. And eventually he accepted the idea that he was now a cat owner. Not knowing his previous name, Japan decided to rename him Yoshi. Because of Yoshi, Japan began to come outside more and more each day as he is an outdoor cat that seldomly comes inside anymore. What's more is Yoshi came into his life in 1999, just a few months before 2000— aka when The Lost Decade was coming to an end as well as his personal on and off string of depressive episodes. Japan spoils Yoshi with treats and only the best cat food he can afford!

*The real name given to him by Himaruya is Tama, most likely a reference to calico cat Tama from Kinokawa, Wakayama Prefecture, Japan(that's at least what I've gathered). Before I knew this(in my early fandom days) I headcanoned his name to be Yoshi, as I said above it was a reference to luck(I didn't have as easy and unmonitored access to the internet as I do now so I never had a steady way to look these things up). I like Tama as well but I still can't get the name Yoshi out of my mind! I'm not sure if Yoshi and Tama can be combined like some names here in America can be combined(like Lilian Pad[as in Lily Pad] or Patches Poo) and I don't want to attempt it in case I get it wrong no matter how much research I do.

Austria-cat:

Domestic longhair!

Austria has quite the soft spot for this kitty surprisingly. He was born on his estate after his mother wandered in and settled between a couple bushes in his garden. He was born one of three kittens, almost entirely identical to his mother. Austria ended up giving names to all the cats but this one specifically was named Mozart— for very obvious reasons on Austria's part. The mother cat and two of the other kittens ended up moving along a year later after Austria decided to renovate part of his house; however the only one to stick around was Mozart. Austria would let Mozart come inside if only he could manage to pick him up. Mozart will jump into his lap outside, brush up against him, greet him in the morning, allow him to come near(especially with food and clean water) and even pet him but he won't ever peacefully allow Austria to carry him. Mozart was originally thought to be a Ragdoll however it was France who identified him to be a simple domestic longhair instead.

China-cat:

Burmese cat!

Originally a stray that endlessly bothered a shop owner and his own cat, China attracted his attention when he fed him only once. This cat followed him all the way to the hotel he was staying at not far from the little shop, which annoyed him greatly but honestly gave him a little laugh as well. As his car ride home was only going to be an hour at best he decided to at least attempt to bring the little fella home for proper care and attention. And obviously it worked. On his way home he decided a name like Zhi seemed perfect for him! Something told China Zhi was used to car rides and being around people, which told him Zhi was originally in a loving home. Feeling a little sad that this nice loyal cat was living on the streets he began to pamper him. Now Zhi expects to be brushed twice a day, let out at least once a day to soak in the sun's warmth and lay in the soft grass. He's fed the best food possible, has more toys that he knows what to do with. China's cellphone is overrun with videos of Zhi playing fetch— a trick he didn't teach him which, to him, is further proof he had a previous owner.

Russia-cat:

Siberian cat!

Taken in from a rescue shelter, at first fostered, then adopted. Russia kept the name the shelter gave him, Boris, as it fit him very well considering his past. Boris was unfortunately neglected when his previous owner was around. His fur was matted, he was skin and bones, upon pick up he had an eye infection. He was terribly scared of people. After being treated and showed kindness, it wasn't very long for him to open up. When Russia came along and took him in to give him all the proper attention he lacked, Boris fell in love with it. And Russia fell in love with having a cat around. Before anyone could swoop in and try to adopt Boris, Russia already put in to adopt. Now Boris is a happy healthy cat who's favorite toy to play with is Russia's supply of yarn. Boris loves bird or feather based toys the most, however, and will often drag his favorite feather wand over to Russia so he'd play. He's not much of an outdoor cat but after being kept mostly in a small cage since birth he does enjoy at least laying on the porch outside.

France-cat:

A Sacred Birman with light creamy point colouration!*

Obtained as a newly born kitten in 1992, France had offered to help nurture him as his mother had died shortly after giving birth. France named him Minou, more so in honor of his deceased mother Minet rather than it being a common French cat's name(some assume he was lazy with his naming). Minou grew up to be properly spoiled and loved by France. From the time he could see and walk properly, France began putting light outfits and accessories on him for very small amounts of time(like hats and ties mainly to avoid overheating). Minou often silently greets France at the door whenever he comes home, barreling through the hallway or off the couch in order to get some much needed love and attention. He surprisingly gets along very well with France's pet birds, only ever going after them once as a kitten. Minou can be found in his luxurious cat bed made of cardboard from the cat tower's box and a quilt France had crafted long long ago that's now drastically torn in various places. OR he can be found planting his fanny on France's face at night, nearly suffocating him. Minou seems to have a likeness for Russia and England.

*I know France-cat doesn't have any visible point colorations to him but him being a Persian doesn't fit him in my opinion, especially a blue eyed white cat. There's a high percentage of blue eyed white cats being deaf. However a common trait in Birmans are blue eyes so that, to me, fits better.

Iggycat:

Scottish fold-American shorthair mix!*

Obtained through a small litter from a colleague. England named him Lopsy  immediately upon seeing him, completely falling in love with him. Due to Lopsy's health concerns(osteochondrodysplasia) he's strictly an indoor cat. He's not very playful due to the pain he endures so he's prone to lay about, especially in England's lap, in his cat bed that sits directly under the window to reach the sunlight, or under England's bed. Despite being on them for so long, it still takes quite the struggle to give Lopsy his medication as he's come accustomed to when England is preparing to give it to him. As he's not very active, Lopsy isn't too fond of France's, America's, or Canada's cats— all of which tend to love playing together. However there are times when Minou is in non-playful mode where Lopsy will lay near or eat with him, but will absolutely refuse to lay with since Minou does have a tendency to attack another cat's tail without warning.

*The reason I see him as a mix is due to the major health concerns breeding two Scottish folds together can bring. However, breeding a Scottish fold with an American shorthair or British shorthair is often the better choice as there's less issues involved. There's talk about banning the breed all together. Even with this talk, breeding persists, preferably for cat shows from the sound of it. There's even research going into fixing these health concerns but it seems incurable due to the Scottish fold disease seeming to be a very dominant trait no matter what secondary breed it's bred with. Scottish fold disease doesn't always occur in a litter, mostly being a 50% change.

Spain-cat:

European shorthair!

Named Vivo for his lively personality, this little guy was found in the rain, drenched and hungry. He looked to be roughly 3 months old, very well fed and groomed so Spain assumed he had a family he ran away from for whatever reason. Without any other solution, Spain took him in until someone came to pick him up. A few weeks go by without anyone coming to claim him, so Spain opted to keep Vivo. Vivo is very loving, he possess a strong purr and often falls asleep purring. He's a lap cat but also has a tendency to curl up on or near Spain's shoulder when he's on the couch. Vivo is mainly an outdoor cat, often chasing mice or other vermen away from the garden without ever destroying it. Spain is pretty grateful to of found him as it had gotten quiet with Romano gone and all. And Vivo defiantly brought some noise to the house! He's not always vocal but when he is he tends to run around happily meowing for attention. He's surprisingly very territorial however— when introduced with then young kits Gino and Sonno, the Italies' cats, Vivo almost attacked them. It took small steps forward to get the three of them to warm up to each other. It also took a while to warm Vivo up to Minou and Gunther.

[bigskydreaming]

Something I don’t think I’ve ever seen explored but that could be a possibly interesting subversion of the common conception that Dick is Bruce’s favorite, even according to his other children:

What if the things they viewed as favoritism were really just overcompensation? For instance, when Dick and Bruce started being presences in each other’s lives again after Tim became Robin, it was a gradual thing, they only slowly kind of got used to being around each other again over time. As I’ve often said in the past, my big gripe about this, and why I so intensely dislike all of that being framed as Tim being a catalyst for reuniting them, is its precisely BECAUSE of how it all played out that way, that Bruce....never actually needed to apologize or make amends to Dick or even ASK for him to come back....which compounded the fact that he’d never really ever gotten around to doing all of that because of the conflict between them for other reasons before Jason’s death happened.

And I do think a lot of that has to do with Bruce’s tendencies towards self-flagellation, though this doesn’t excuse it. I honestly do believe that it’d be perfectly in character if the reason Bruce never apologized for all that even then was because he didn’t think what he’d done WAS forgivable, so it felt....false to him, to try and ask for forgiveness. What this fails to consider though, is that apologizing, making amends, TRYING to make up for what you did to the other person.....its not about WHETHER or not they forgive you, or think they can.

Its simply about acknowledging wrong and harm done, and saying....you’re sorry. You regret it. You know it was a mistake and that you can’t take it back, but you just want them to know you’re....not unaware of the harm you caused.

After that, yeah, the ball is in their court, but if you never actually put that out there, how are they ever supposed to truly KNOW that you know that? Believe that?

How can people ever be asked or expected to grant forgiveness when its so commonly depicted as though for the people who hurt them, even just ASKING for it is harder than it must be for the people who WERE hurt to GRANT it?

But Bruce is very much someone who believes that actions speak louder than words, so I could see someone taking the angle that he tries to EXPRESS his regret to Dick in other ways, through various actions and behaviors with or around him.....which could be construed to others in the family as displays of favoritism....

Because they’d have no way or any reason to think of them as attempts at amends or expressions of regret, like they would, say, if any of those similar behaviors were exhibited around Jason - whether they were accepted by Jason or brushed off. Point being, they would GET that this was what it was with Jason, because they’re all aware Jason is angry at Bruce for very specific things, with most of them being aware what MOST of those things are (definitely not counting the ending of UTRH). 

(And just pointing out here again for emphasis since its not like I tack it on as a qualifier in all my posts, but I honestly hate how frequently various parts of fandom decide one character or another is Bruce’s favorite or worse, that this is OKAY, like its not a fundamental problem if he definitively has a favorite. Of course that creates divides in a family. To me, ideally, a healthy Batfam has no favorites, they just have members of the family who are more favorite to them in SOME ways than in others. 

For instance, I also dislike the idea that Damian is Dick’s favorite, but I don’t think the closeness of their relationship is threatened or mitigated by acknowledging that the bonds between Dick and his other siblings are just as strong, just in different ways. That its ‘special’ with Damian in a way it isn’t with the others because of how close they got that year Dick practically raised him, that makes the nature of their relationship different. But its equally ‘special’ with Jason, because Jason was Dick’s FIRST brother, they were each other’s first family beyond just parental figures, there’s a significance to that which doesn’t just go away, and still neither of those undervalues the fact that Tim and Dick spent years being close as the only two brothers, who had only each other and Bruce, and Bruce sometimes being emotionally or even physically unavailable to turn to making it that much more necessary for them to turn to each other, essentially, between Jason’s death and return and even after Cass became a presence in their lives, due to her usually going to Babs for the kinds of things Dick and Tim would work through together, and then of course Cass is Dick’s only sister which puts her in another category altogether, not better or worse, its simply that Cass is neither Dick’s brother nor was she ever a Robin so they have a relationship that for example, whatever else it consists of, will never be defined or threatened by any of the issues that have plagued the family when it comes to the Robin succession. And Duke and Dick’s dynamic of course is still basically just whatever the hell you individually decide it to be because hahahaha what if you wrote them interacting for more than like, one issue only, DC HMMM?

Point being - FUCK family favorites. The whole idea is stupid and toxic and IMO fundamentally incompatible with an actual healthy, functional Batfamily, so it kinda blows my mind when I see people UPHOLDING the idea of this character being so and so’s favorite or everyone knows Dick is Bruce’s favorite and Jason is Alfred’s favorite and Damian is Dick’s favorite....no. Why. Stop that. They can all be special to each other in entirely different ways for entirely different reasons. Family is not a zero sum game. And none of this means that there aren’t some of them who just GET ALONG better than they do with the others at sometimes, or like these two just tend to have more fun with each other, or this is who this one usually goes to when this happens, etc. There’s nothing wrong with that, that’s good, it just means.....things are different between different members of the family. That doesn’t have to equal FAVORITES though. Favorite to share this particular activity with? Sure. OVERALL though? Miss me).

ANYWAY.

Detour aside and circling back to my point.....say for instance the other kids see Bruce appear to be making an effort with Jason, singling him out for praise or acknowledgment....its not hard for them to imagine reasons WHY Bruce might be doing that, which don’t automatically equate to an insecure conviction that Bruce just loves Jason more than them and he’s his favorite....because there are other explanations, other reasons why Bruce might feel a need to act differently with Jason than he does with the rest of them, things unique to their dynamic. Similarly, say for instance Bruce is written making a particular effort with Damian to acknowledge him - there’s lots more angles to spin it as than just favoritism, they had a very rocky start everyone in the family is aware of, so its more likely to just read as like....Bruce making more of an effort where its already understandable to everyone else that an effort is merited. 

And Bruce HAS admittedly at different times been written as very clearly making an effort and being a good father to his kids, like, the capacity has always been there of course. But there were ‘good times’ with Bruce and Jason, with Bruce and Dick, with Bruce and Tim, etc, etc. So when the effort being seen comes paired with an understandable or apparent GAP the others are aware of.....the effort is easily seen as nothing more than BRIDGING the already existant gap, rather than....advancing that one particular child AHEAD of the others.

So much of the conflict between Bruce and Dick during Jason’s time as Robin stemmed from the fact that.....there was a huge, existing gap between Bruce and Dick even BEFORE Bruce took Jason in....and there was no effort made by Bruce during that time to bridge that gap. And then Bruce took Jason in, adopted him, made him Robin....STILL while making no attempt to reach out to Dick, make amends, bridge the gap he was steadily INCREASING between both boys and their respective relationships with him....so y’know, its kinda hard NOT to see or at least understandably imagine favoritism from Dick’s POV there....

BUT, its also easy to imagine why from the other kids’ perspectives, Dick might be Bruce’s favorite or the one he’s closest with, and its not because he’s perfect or the original or anything like that, but rather just....time.

Quite simply, Dick is the one kid Bruce spent the most time with, before any of the others joined the family. He spent a good eight years growing up in the manor, Bruce’s only family other than Alfred. Its quite easy and understandable to imagine from the perspective of the ones who came later, this would translate into more closeness, more ease and familiarity, even more respect, more love......because that thing that they each have with Bruce to some degree, that makes them family, the time spent with him, the comfort or praise they’ve received from him, purely in an empirical sense, in terms of rough numbers if nothing else, Dick has had more of it. Bruce has given more of it. 

Of course they’re resentful or assume they can’t measure up, in light of that. How can the mere two or three years some of them have had as Bruce’s family compete with the eight Dick had and that’s even just before any of the others came along at all.

So they look at Bruce making an effort with Dick, the way he doesn’t always do with them, they see Bruce making a point to acknowledge Dick or praise him or express he’s putting his faith in him - all the things they’re all eager to hear - and the easiest and most obvious conclusion to draw when asking themselves “why is he like that with Dick, but not with me, or at least never as much”....is that its because of that essential element Dick and Bruce’s relationship has that none of the others do.....time.

The problem is, of course.....they don’t have the whole perspective, and they’re drawing conclusions without paying proper consideration to all the possible alternatives.

Because yes, Bruce and Dick’s relationship has had more time to encompass so many of the good moments and the positives between them......but the reverse is equally true. Its had that much more time to encompass the bad moments and the negatives in their relationship as well. And this is part of the narrative trap created when not focusing on or even just acknowledging the downs of Dick and Bruce’s relationship, specifically where the burden of responsibility is on Bruce.....because it sets up a quandary - “Bruce often behaves differently with Dick than he does with his other children” - but only allows certain interpretations to be read in as possible explanations for this. 

So the second you lock in the take that Bruce’s relationship with Dick has never really HAD any low moments because Dick wasn’t fired, they weren’t estranged for years (though cough cough, what’s your explanation for Bruce’s absence from major defining stories of Dick’s at the time where he really could have used some comfort or support from Bruce, like the Church of Blood or Titans Hunt BUT I DIGRESS), and NTT #55 certainly didn’t happen, then its like.....you’ve reduced the intricacies of their dynamic and past history down to only its fundamental positives, and as such are only really showcasing Bruce being more positive than not with Dick while layering in the impression that this is the way its always been.....

And not only are you giving cause to the other children looking at this dynamic and seeing only one possible explanation - whether or not its just because they’ve spent more time together, Dick is Bruce’s favorite and always will be - you’re also creating the inevitability that Dick pretty much MUST be written as equally positive towards Bruce at all times - aka appearing as the loyal footsoldier his siblings often accuse him of being, particularly when they’re having their own conflicts with Bruce and Dick is defending him - OR if you write Dick as behaving negatively towards Bruce or making complaints of his own against Bruce....who in the eyes of all the others, clearly already favors Dick more than them as is.....it makes Dick look like a spoiled, ungrateful asshole who can’t even appreciate the fact that Bruce already loves and respects him more than he does any of them, like nothing will ever be good enough for him.

Basically, as is a fairly common theme for me, lol, my point is that I think a lot of the more negative and two-dimensional portrayals of Dick in fandom come not even from writers innately or initially seeing HIM that way....but rather are just a symptom of the corners many often write themselves into simply by REFUSING to write other characters in certain negative ways....without paying consideration to the ripple effects this would have on the dynamic between both characters overall. And then more readers and fans internalize these negative and two-dimensional portrayals of Dick and add them or have them feed into their own predispositions towards any of the other characters aside from him, and it kinda creates and perpetuates this whole self-sustaining cycle, where Dick so often becomes the ‘bad guy’ in family conflicts purely because writers won’t LET anyone ELSE ever be even just more responsible for a conflict with him.

But the second you put back even just ONE of the elements often cut out from Bruce and Dick’s relationship in support of Bruce, whether its firing Dick, not trying to make amends with him the whole time Jason lived with Bruce, the scene between them after Jason’s death......

Suddenly, you’ve got another explanation for why Bruce might be making MORE of an effort with Dick at times, to show he appreciates him, loves him, is proud of him.....because Bruce fucked up, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. And this is his awkward way of trying to show and not tell, because he doesn’t think the telling is ever going to be good enough, and its not even that Dick’s too petty or spiteful to ever accept Bruce’s apology, its that because its never taken the form of an ACTUAL apology, an ACTUAL acknowledgment of wrongdoing and an attempt to make amends.....its more likely Dick not seeing it for what it is on Bruce’s part is just Dick not wanting to set himself up for more disappointment, figuring he might be reading more into it than is actually there just because he WANTS to believe its an apology of some sort, he WANTS to forgive Bruce and get back at least some of what they lost over the years.

And meanwhile, from all the other kids’ perspectives, they see Bruce clearly making SOME kind of an effort with Dick that he doesn’t always make with them, and that when he does, usually its paired with something in their mind that makes it read as “oh that’s why he’s behaving this way” rather than “oh, clearly, this is proof I am The Favored One,”...BUT having access to only parts of the picture and no clue about a lot of the rest, working off of limited evidence, there’s no real way for them TO draw the correct conclusion....that this is Bruce trying to make RIGHT something that went WRONG.....not Bruce just lavishing Dick with praise and respect and recognition any of them would kill for and he seems to get for no reason....other than the obvious one....Dick’s the first, the original, the one who has a decade headstart on all of us in Bruce’s eyes and who we thus will never be able to catch up to so why try, hey, we should totally just, stab Caesar.

[shadow--writer]

That's Not How You Spell Circle

In which Maeve attempts to teach her dumbass (ᵈᵘᵐᵇᵃˢˢ ᵇᵉᶦⁿᵍ ᵃᶠᶠᵉᶜᵗᶦᵒⁿᵃᵗᵉ ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒᵘʳˢᵉ) boyfriend how to spell circle.

@dela-png encourages my brain rot part TWO. We had this long convo on how Lucas can’t spell circle and how Maeve would try and help (and it uhh...goes somewhere)

Hi it’s fic recs with Shade. If you want to read another fic with one of Dela’s amazing oc’s and a super fun apprentice check out @arcanecadenza ‘s (if you don’t want me pinging you please let me know! ^^) fic with Donovan here (it’s super cute and well written but be warned her blog gets pretty spicy and she does have another fic with Donny out now too ᶦᵗ'ˢ ˢᵐᵘᵗᵗʸ *ᶜᵒᵘᵍʰ ᶜᵒᵘᵍʰ*)

Maeve x Lucas, fluff (actual fluff this time guys my first fluffy fic in this fandom are you proud?), humour, 3.8k words (I CANNOT shut the fuck up OMFG)

TW: none! Tags: fluff, humour, lawd I hope I got Lucas right™️, a little spicy at times but nothing smutty, suggestive, spicy suggestive end, language there is quite a bit of uhh harsh language lol

~~~~

It took her nearly a month to convince Lucas to let her help him learn to write and spell. To say he was stubborn about it would be the understatement of the millennia. Every time she brought it up she would be shut down faster then she could get the words out. 

So she resorted to pestering him. 

A lot.

Everywhere. Anytime. Anyplace. 

In the mornings when they were trying to grasp the last remnants of sleep especially. Usually she could squeak a yes out of him for anything during that time. This time it was always a hard and fast no followed by sweet lingering kisses. While she would not turn her nose up at well placed kisses (good gods Lucas was good with that mouth of his when he wasn’t running it off) she was determined to convince him to let her at least help with spelling.

Once he saw how absolutely serious she was about this whole ordeal he finally broke down and allowed her to help. Granted, she was sure Amani being Amani also had him cracking. Amani was a darling and Maeve was glad they were friends but uhh…

Not much filter on her especially when it came to Lucas. Oooh boy. She would never forget the ‘congrats’ cake Amani baked. It was delicious, sure, but Maeve was sure you could see her and Lucas’s blushing faces from another country. 

The point being she finally broke him down and so there they sat in the kitchen, a little bit of fading sunlight leaking through the cracked curtains.

She tried to hide how happy this made her, starting off their lesson. “Okay so I’m going to need to see an example of something you have so I know where we can start,” she started off, sitting across from him.

He blushed a little, fidgeting. She let out a little sigh, fingers tapping on the table lightly. “Mo shíorghrá I can’t do much based on nothing. Do you know the alphabet?”

His face turned redder. “Y-Yes of course I know the alphabet!” he sputtered. 

She chuckled, resting her cheek on her fist. “Don’t get testy with me, you haven’t given me much to work off of. Now do you have anything you’ve written?”

“I...uhh have a practice sheet of a menu,” he muttered, not quite meeting her eyes. She could tell where this was going.

“...can you give it to me?”

She could see the paper in his hands, did he have that the entire time? It didn't matter since he had it.

“Promise you won’t laugh?” he asked, eyes flicking up to meet hers. 

“Amani has ruined you,” she said with a low sigh, looking at him. “I won’t laugh.” He didn’t seem convinced. She stood, leaning over the table holding out her pinky. “Pinky swear.”

He hooked his pinky through hers, bringing their hands up to his lips. She had to lean a little farther, one of her legs lifting off the ground as he kissed her hand, amused. 

“Oh don’t give me that, giant.” There was a low scoff in her voice, he bit her hand gently at the nickname. She knew he hated it. It’s why she used it. “Now hand over the menu idea, the light is wasting away!”

She grabbed the paper he set on the table, falling back into her chair as their pinkies unwrapped from one another. Sometimes she’d forget how big he was in comparison to her. It was always a little shock when they held hands and his enveloped hers. 

He always did comment on how cold her hands were. Her response back was usually about how she was the cold one to balance his human heater tendencies (and she didn’t mind him warming her up.)

Relaxing into her chair she looked over the paper.

She had to fight to keep her jaw firmly locked in place. 

Good stars above his handwriting. It wasn’t the worst thing she had ever seen in the world, at least it was legible but…

“This is basically chicken-scratch,” she said, voice flat. 

The blush fled to the tips of his ears. “I-I know that!”

She inspected the little notes around the paper. His mouth hung open when he saw what she was doing. 

One note had her smiling a little to herself. ‘Can I try imitating Maeve’s handwriting? That’s appealing and nice to look at. It’s very pretty.’

“You like my handwriting?” she asked, looking up at him. Looking at the menu ideas closer she could see remnants of her loopy ‘y’s and how she dotted her ‘i’s in the paper. She felt almost honoured in a way. 

Of course it needed a bit of work, but it was still sweet.

He coughed, looking away from her. If his face could get any redder it did. “D-Don’t read too much into it.”

She grinned. “Ah I see. You think it’s super pretty but don’t want to say.” His ears grew redder. She took it as a yes. “Okay okay I’ll stop teasing. For now we can focus on some words you’re struggling with spelling and your penmanship.” 

She inspected the paper closer. She could tell Amani helped, there weren’t many spelling mistakes. It made her job easier. 

Though one stood out to her. 

How he spelled ‘circle’. 

Sikerl. 

“...you spelled ‘circle’ wrong.”

“I did?!”

“It’s umm...not the worst spelling I have ever seen, but we uhh...are gonna have to work on that one.”

He sulked, crossing his arms. She giggled, scooting a sheet of paper in front of him. He took it along with a pen, their fingers brushing. She pulled her hand away before he could lace their hands together and try to get out of it.

She knew his tactics. Not today mister. 

“So first off I’m going to show you how to spell it and hopefully you can remember. If not, that’s okay we have all night.” She got to her feet to stretch her arms. It was going to be a while.

He seemed to wilt. “All night?”

“Well unless you have other plans?”

He looked at her, quirking an eyebrow with a little smirk. She narrowed her eyes, setting her hands on her hips.

“Nah ah. Don’t even think about it. You need to spell circle right first. Then we’ll talk.”

He fell back into his chair with a pout. 

~~

To say this was going to be a long process would be another understatement. 

She stared at the paper in front of her, leaning over his shoulder to give it a once over. “I have never seen ‘circle’ spelled wrong so many times on the same sheet of paper,” she said, dumbfounded. “This has got to be some kind of record.”

She rubbed her eyes, looking over at him. It was getting pretty late.

Lucas, of course, was sulking again. She knew his moods, and sometimes sulking could mean anger. 

This was not anger but frustration. Both at circles and her. Probably because she hasn’t let him leave the table other than for bathroom breaks and a little stretch break. 

“Can we just end the lesson here and go to bed?” he asked, eyes pleading with her. 

She shot him a low glare with no heat. “I know exactly what you’re going to do if I agree and it isn’t sleep.” His face fell, she knew it. “And we aren’t leaving this table until you spell it right at least once. Try again.”

He grumbled to himself as she stood back up. It felt strange having to hunch over to be at eye level with him. Usually it was the other way around. 

She still remained over his shoulder, leaning into him a little. She rested her cheek against his back just below his neck, arms wrapping around him. He let out a little grunt at her touch, she smiled a little at the noise. “Oh? Am I being a nuisance?” she asked, voice a little muffled as she shifted her face to bury her nose in his back. 

He said nothing in return, but the way he tensed around her was indication enough. If he was going to be grumpy with her she was going to torture him. 

When he put his pencil down she looked up, and back at the paper. Her arms remained around his chest, fingers tapping lightly. Driving him up a wall might not be the smartest thing she could do in that very moment but damn was it fun.

“Hm…” she hummed, letting him go to get a better look at the paper. Just by looking at the first few spellings she knew he didn’t get it again.

He noticed her disappointed humming and started moving closer to her, pressing light kisses down the side of her neck. 

She almost leaned into the touch. Almost. 

As much as she craved the release and his touch she had a job to do. And the number one priority was getting the damn word spelled right. 

She shifted away from him, a low whine coming from his throat. “After you spell this right then you can maybe have a treat,” she said with a wink.

He glowered at her, shifting closer. “But you’ve done so much already! Worked yourself to death today, don’t you deserve a break?”

Oh no he was going to compliment her into giving in. Little conniving bastard. 

He kissed her neck again, trailing up her skin to her cheek. He kissed the sweet spot behind her ear, tucking her hair behind it as well. She almost melted into him, hands curling into fists. 

She turned her head, capturing his lips before he could do any more damage to her resolve. He took it as a victory, surging up to meet her, rising up out of his chair. 

She pulled away a moment before, placing her hands on his chest and gently pushing him back down. A little smirk flirted across her lips. “Now that you’ve gotten an idea of what’s planned for you if you get this word spelled right, get back to work.”

He whined, looking back at the paper of mistakes. She giggled, pressing a soft kiss to his temple. “You have some time, and if you don’t get it today there’s always tomorrow.”

He groaned but got back to work. 

She waited a bit, walking away to go do something else while she waited. She was in the middle of putting dishes away when he called her back over to check his spelling. 

She wouldn’t be embarrassed to admit there was a little extra sway in her step as she walked back over to him. 

His arms immediately went around her waist, burying his face in her chest. She sighed, petting his hair. 

This was going to take a while.

“Once I look these over we can go to bed.” He unburied his face to give her a look of pure joy. “To sleep.” The look fell and it was back to lip jutting out childish pouting. Sometimes she wondered who was the influence. The kids on the dock or him. 

She chuckled, looking at the paper. 

“Still no, but we can work on it tomorrow,” she said, scratching his scalp a little. She felt a little bad. She pushed him a little too far. She just wanted to help him but she was starting to get frustrated as well. 

Without another word he bundled her into his arms, scooping her off the ground and carried her into their room. She laughed all the while. 

It was like he needed to get as far away from the paper as possible, and she didn’t blame him. Spelling was hard, but she was still in disbelief he was struggling this badly with how to spell circle. She had shown him four times.

That night she didn’t let them go farther than a few kisses (much to his dismay, she was going through with the punishment. Until he spelled ‘circle’ right he was getting squat.)

~~

Day two did not go any better than day one.

She sat across the table from him this time. After he muttered about how distracting she was with how she smelled good enough to eat she decided to eliminate that..distraction. 

And sat as far away from him as she could.

Well that still flopped because he kept sending her puppy dog eyes from across the table. Not doing anything. 

She sighed. “Get four spellings down and I’ll come back over.”

The way he got back to work so quickly reminded her of a dog. She giggled to herself. If she focused hard enough she could almost see the tail wagging behind him. 

His eyes flicked up to meet hers. “What?”

She waved him off, smiling to herself. “Oh nothing.”

He squinted at her for a moment before looking back at his paper. When he was done he crooked a finger at her. 

She didn’t move from her spot, glaring at him. Oh he was not going to do that to her. “Unless you spelled ‘circle’ right you have no right calling me over like a dog,” she sniffed, getting to her feet. 

He set a hand on her knee as she bent over to look at the paper, whispering in her ear. His breath warmed her skin. “Well, for all your whining you sure came to me like one.” She looked at him, offended. 

He smirked. Her brows creased with her annoyance. “Well you look like one,” she replied.

His eyebrows shot straight up into his hairline. She turned to go over his paper again. He leaned in closer to her again, kissing the shell of her ear. She had to suppress a shiver. 

Bastard.

“And you sound like one.”

She was going to strangle him but first...maybe she’d play his game. Ignoring the paper (with no right spellings, once again. She’d have to show him. Again.) she tilted his head up with one finger. Kissing the side of his face up to his ear she let him sigh. 

Trying not to smirk she nibbled on his earlobe. His hand tightened on her leg. She released his earlobe, whispering something with a little extra growl in her voice. “Woof.” 

She moved away from him, smiling to herself. He sat there for a moment, with the most dumbstruck expression on his face. Ha, victory. 

The moment she looked at his paper though, his arms were around her again and he was tugging her into his lap. She let out a little yelp, arms going around his neck to keep from tipping over off the chair. “That’s not fair,” he muttered to her neck. 

She snorted, trying to move to see his paper again. He didn’t budge, so she was as good as stuck for a while. “I don’t play fair, you know this.”

“Yeah but won’t you take mercy on your poor, tired, love-of-your-life?” he asked, the puppy dog eyes making a return. When he leaned in to kiss her again she placed her hands over his mouth. 

“And you call me a dog,” she scoffed, wiggling a little in his grasp. His thigh jerked under her. “Now lemme go you big lug. You’ve still got to spell ‘circle’ right.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes!” she wheezed, pushing his face as she tried to break free of his grip. He wasn’t going to let her go that easily. She let out a ‘hmph’ and twisted around. “Fine. If you won’t let me go I’ll just check from here.”

He didn’t argue with her from there, a small victory on her part. Maybe it was better if Amani taught him. At least then he wouldn’t have any distractions. 

Granted he might be dead by the time she was done. Hmmm...there were pros and cons to having Amani help. Her eyes flicked over each of the spellings. None were right. But one was close at least.

Sirkel 

Serkol 

Sickle 

Circel

“Hmm wow the last one is close!” she said with a smile, looking at him over her shoulder. His eyes lit up. “You just got to switch two of the letters. And let me go.” She wiggled again, pushing at his arms. 

“So I just switch two letters and I’m free to go?”

“Mmhmm! If they’re the right ones of course.”

He looked determined and finally released her. She scrambled away before he could draw her back into him. As much as she appreciated sitting on his lap now was not the time. 

“Two letters! Got it!” he said, scrawling out the word on the paper. 

He pushed it over to her, pride seeping into his face. She smiled, humming a little looking at the paper again.

“...uhh…”

Cricel 

“It’s worse.”

“What do you mean it’s worse?! I did what you told me to!”

“Yeah but you swapped the wrong letters!”

“You told me to swap two of the letters!”

“Yeah not the wrong ones! I told you not to swap the wrong ones!”

He grumbled. “This is stupid. Circles are stupid. Writing is stupid.”

“Next up we work on your vocabulary.”

He shot her a low glare. It held no heat but it made her giggle. 

“Shaddup,” he muttered. She kissed his cheek, still giggling to herself. 

“Here I’ll show you how to spell it again and then you can go.” She leaned over again, not paying attention to where she was leaning and what was in his direct line of sight. 

She kept her pen work neat (sometimes when moving fast her handwriting looked nothing more than scribbles), keeping all the loops she now knew he liked. When she looked over at him again she realized her mistake. 

Quickly (quicker than she thought he could move) he scooped her up again, kissing her face. She let out a squeal, trying to get out of his grip again.

“L-L-L-L-LUCAS!” she gasped through her laughter, trying to escape again. 

“Mmmfph no I’m done,” he said, voice muffled. “No more circles. They’re evil.”

She snorted, putting her palms on his cheeks to push him away. His lips puckered as she pressed his face together. She leaned in closer. “I spelled it on the paper. I showed you how to spell it. I can try and help you remember it so I’m gonna need you to try again.”

His brows creased. She sighed. “Please.”

“Fwmine.” He couldn’t really talk with her hands on his face. 

“And let me go.”

“Nwo.”

She rolled her eyes, releasing his face and resigned to her fate. He wrote out ‘circle’ so fast she could barely comprehend what was happening before he lifted her up off the chair. “There. Now I’m done.”

“But I need to-”

“Done. I am done.”

He kissed her neck, lifting her up with his hands on her upper thighs. She sighed, wrapping her arms around his neck as she got used to being carried. “You do know we have to do this all over again tomorrow to make sure you remember how to spell it, right?”

He howled in pain. 

~~

Day three at the very least, went better than day two and day one. 

Mostly because she gave him the proper motivation after cock-blocking him again the night before. 

She rubbed her temples. “So now, what did we learn yesterday?” she asked, sitting on the table next to him. 

“Um the tub is too small for the both of us?”

She cracked an eye open. He wasn’t wrong. Most of the water ended up on the floor. It was a mess to clean up. “Yes that and you should learn to keep your hands to yourself. You haven’t earned anything just yet mister struggling to spell circle on day three. But that’s not what I meant.”

His lip jutted out again as he pouted. “Yeah yeah. Circle is not spelled how I’ve been spelling it. I get it.”

“Mmmhmm.” She hummed, stretching her arms above her head. “But that’s okay circle is spelled really stupidly, but!” she started, dropping her hands to braid her hair over her shoulder as she spoke. “I’m going to give you proper motivation so we can finally move on to something different.”

Curiosity sparked in his eyes. She smiled, humming a little as she swung her legs. “I’m going to give you a few tries to spell it. Five tries to be exact. Spell it wrong every time and you’re sleeping on the floor.”

“What?! That’s not fair!”

She tsked. “Motivation M’fhíorghrá, motivation.”

“...and if I spell it right?”

She looked up. “Hmm...haven’t thought that far.”

“...such confidence in me, I’m honoured.”

She snorted. “I haven’t thought of something you’d want.”

His eyes flicked over her form. She felt her cheeks warm.“I can think of something.”

She stuck her tongue out. “Oh hush you. Get to work now.”

He grumbled, but looked back down at the paper. The first few times he got it wrong. When he was on his fourth try she started to get exasperated. 

He kept looking at her hair. “You know that’s an invitation to ruin, right?” he asked. She touched the braid snaking around her shoulder, letting out a raspberry like sigh. 

“Yes I do. And if you don’t fucking spell ‘circle’ right you’re gonna suffer knowing you couldn’t ruin it while sleeping on the floor.” She mostly muttered it to herself, it slipping out with her frustration. 

He spelled it wrong again. 

She let out a low sigh, rubbing the bridge of her nose. Three days. Maybe she wasn’t as good as a teacher as she thought? Or maybe it was just them goofing around. 

Even so she was tired and she knew he was as well. “Lucas I swear to the goddess above I will let you fuck me on this table if you can spell it right once. I know we both hate this, because circles are dumb. But we really should be doing other things.”

He froze in place, slowly turning his head to look at her. His voice was low and husky. “Is that a promise?”

She rolled her eyes, leaning back a little keeping her balance by hooking her hands under the table. She kicked her legs a little, looking up at the ceiling. “I swear I will, just spell it right!”

He moved fast, pausing to think for a moment. When he finished, she checked over the page with a flourish. He groaned as she took her sweet time, fearing for the worst.

She was going to draw it out for a while but… “You spelled it right!” she said with a cheer, forgetting her filter. Dang it. 

There were many emotions flying across his face at once. 

From relief, to joy, to something else. 

She swallowed a little as his eyes darkened a little and he smiled. “I do remember a promise,” he said, getting to his feet. Even when she was standing he towered over her. 

But since she was sitting on their kitchen table, he was like a colossus. He nudged her legs apart, standing between them. He leaned in closer and she leaned back away from him, falling onto the table. He placed his hands on either side of her face. 

“You promised,” he reminded her once again, a little song seeping into his voice. 

She swallowed again, knowing her freckles were glowing brighter at those two words. Heat sparked in her stomach, a blush dusting her cheeks. He knew what those meant and his smile grew absolutely wolfish.

After a moment she smiled as well, running her hands through his hair. It was soft and messy. She tugged on a knot, making him sink into her touch. She lifted her hips to brush his. 

“I do go through with my promises.”

[honeysofte-archieve]

a windfall (chapter 2: nat)

Fandom: The Wayhaven Chronicles

Pairing: Female Detective/Nat Sewell

Rating: G

Genre: there’s nat playing a piano.

in ao3: here ♥

second chapter of my first times with ub series! this one is nat & first time she had an argument with the detective. thank you for @elmshore for looking this over for me (though i changed a few things afterwards lol). ♥ lowkey tempted to write a little interlude with nsfw piano shenanigans after this one............

You don't mean to lose your temper and snap at her and that is something you're prepared to vow on your knees until you're in your own fucking grave. Because you know -- you know that Natalie Henrietta Sewell is an actual angel in disguise and you adore her more than anything else in this world and the next.

It was a bad day and you were just… frustrated as hell. That is a good word for it, you think. For being so damn human that you barely feel like you're any help at all compared to a group of skilled vampires and Nat's overprotective tendencies towards you further enhance your insecurities. You appreciate her concern and you know it brews from a cosmic sort of love, you truly do, but sometimes you also want her not to constantly walk on eggshells around you or risking a mission just to keep you safe. She’s done that a few times after you got together and it kind of drives you mad.

So, one day you start an actual argument over it.

in ao3. ♥

Which is borderline stupid and mean and you're painfully aware of that, thank you very much. You're the farthest thing from proud of it. You never thought you were actually capable of making Nat upset or hurt her with your words, she's so kind and sweet all the time and deserves a whole world in the silver platter and you just --

You sigh almost mournfully when Nat leaves your room with a bowed head and flinch at the sound of the soft click of the door as she presses it close behind her. You flop backwards on the bed and pointedly do not think about how Nat chose these sheets for you with great care and consideration. You feel awful and almost want to cry.

Yet at the same time, you know that at least part of you is right. You belong in the team now, you're a real member of Unit Bravo, skilled in your own way, and Nat doesn't need to coddle or protect you any more than anyone else in the team.

You can take care of yourself. You want to able to take care of her, too, and maybe --

You sigh again and burrow your face into one of the fluffy pillows Nat has also chosen for you. Maybe that is also a big part of it, too.

The fact that you want to do as much for Nat as she does for you.

Because this is the honest truth you embrace, the one choice you won't ever grow to regret no matter what:

you love Nat Sewell so, so much, you don't even know what to do with that feeling.

 *

 It doesn't take you too long to find her because you can hear her first.

She's playing the grand piano in the warehouse's sitting room and you follow the flow of her music easily through the long corridors of your second home and pause at the doorway to watch her with folded arms across your chest.

She's so pretty, you think fondly. Her long fingers look good as they glide across the keyboard of the piano like a second nature. You know she's aware of your presence (can probably hear the frantic pump of your heart) but she doesn't stop playing until she reaches the end of the song and presses down the last notes of the melody. Then she turns to look at you.

You smile awkwardly. Open your mouth. "Hey."

"Hello," Nat answers softly. She doesn't quite smile but she doesn't look very upset either.

"I hope I'm not bothering you," you say and take a few hesitant steps into the room scratching the back of your neck.

This time Nat does smile. It's a gentle thing you feel like you don't deserve.

"As if you ever could," she says and moves to make room for you on the piano seat. She pats it invitingly and you obey instantly, sitting right beside her so close your sides are brushing against each other.

"Would you like me to play something for you?" Nat asks.

"Yes," you say, sounding a little breathless even to your own ears. But Nat only smiles again, seemingly pleased at your eagerness. You look at that smile. You look at that smile and you think that there will never be anything it's equal.

Nat considers you for a moment. "Any requests?"

"Play me your favourite," you finally decide and Nat hums underneath her breath before taking a deep breath and lowers her fingers on the piano keys.

You don't quite know what to name the feeling that flows through you when she starts playing.

First of all: it's painfully sexy in a way you haven't considered before. Secondly: it makes you feel so many things at once, it almost overwhelms all of your senses.

You knew, of course, that Nat is gifted in many ways and music is just one of them, but you’ve never actually seen her play. You’re not sure why, exactly. Maybe the circumstances never allowed it. All you know now is that Nat playing the piano is one of the most attractive things you’ve ever seen. It chills you to the bone and you shiver before you lay your head against Nat’s shoulder and watch her long, elegant fingers slither on the keyboard in a hypnotising rhythm.

It’s perfect, you think. You cup Nat’s jaw onto your palm, pull her down and press a small kiss to her cheekbone.

“I’m sorry,” you murmur softly. You’ve never meant anything more. You want her to know that, you need her to know that.

Nat hums underneath her breath, hands never leaving the piano. “Me too,” she whispers.

You’re silent as she finishes up her concerto, not wanting to rush her in any way. A few long minutes pass and you keep your head relaxed on Nat’s shoulder and your other arm wrapped around her slim waist, toying with one of the belt loops of her jeans.

“That was pretty,” you comment when Nat stops playing and looks at you with a raised eyebrow and a shiver of a smile. Your clumsy words don’t really make justice for her talent, but you don’t have a lot more to give.

“Just as you are,” Nat says and you laugh and nudge her playfully with your elbow.

You’re aware you’re flushing like mad. You've learned that she is quite good at getting that reaction out of you. “Stop it.”

“Never,” Nat teases and then she kisses the corner of your mouth and you're glad to notice that she doesn't hesitate to do it despite your earlier argument.

“Nat,” you say after a while. You hide your face on the crook of her neck. “I really am sorry, you know. I mean it.”

“I know,” Nat says easily enough and lifts your chin back up with a gentle touch. She traces the corner of your lips with her thumb and sighs.

“All I want in the world is for you to stay with me,” she admits and that is something you are already aware of because it’s what you want as well. “I couldn’t live with myself if anything ever happened to you and I admit that it makes me occasionally a little… overbearing.”

Your smile is genuine. You will always love her. “I get it. I feel the same way about you, Nat.”

"You do?" She sounds so surprised it makes you ache. You don't want her to ever doubt your affection for her. Never.

"Nat… you must know that by now," you say. You take her hand into yours and swipe your thumb across her knuckles. "Otherwise I'm doing a really shitty job at showing it."

Nat chuckles. The sound is lovely and you drink it in. "I don't think anything about you could be ever considered as 'shitty.'"

Her words make you smile and you squeeze her hand in yours.

"I will work on it," Nat continued then. You know she means it. "Because I want you to be aware that I trust you and your skills wholeheartedly."

"Thanks," you answer just before Nat kisses you, your accidental gasp muffled by her insistent lips.

It's a good kind of kiss; tender and comfortable in a way you're still getting used to. Nat's fingers comb through your hair as she guides your mouth with her own. You've never kissed anyone like her before, no one has come even close which is just another reason why Nat is so, so special to you it makes you want to cry a little.

"Now," Nat says after she pulls her mouth off yours and clears her strangled throat a little sheepishly. "Would you like me to play something else for you?"

You do.

[patriciasage]

Dawn Patrol

Author: Patricia_Sage

Fandom: The Adventure Zone - Balance

Summary:

Magnus blushes and he looks at Taako with stars in his eyes. He looks at Taako the way Barry probably looks at Lup. And Barry realizes how fucking stupid he’s been.

[a Stolen Century story - Barry thinks Magnus is flirting with Lup. He's wrong.]

posted in full under the break but you can find me on A03!!

Barry Bluejeans has a crush on Lup the moment he sees her on his first day with the I.P.R.E., but he falls completely and permanently in love with her around Cycle 10.

He speaks the mongoose language with her and Taako like they’re a secret club, and her soft, mischievous smile makes his heart flutter. Barry and Lup combine their expertise of science and arcana, respectively, staying up late into the night drawing diagrams on the Starblaster’s wall. She tells him about her childhood, about how she views the world. She’s vulgar, bold, impulsive, but also incredibly soft and sweet. She remembers what he likes and doesn't like to eat. They play fetch together in Puppy Town and that’s the first time Barry imagines her as his wife. He tells his brain to slow the fuck down; they’ve only known each other for a decade.

When Taako dies for his first time in Cycle 12, Lup prefers to spend nights with Barry in his lab, curled up in his desk chair. Barry gladly provides his company and cozy blankets to her in solace, and she barely leaves his side that year. It’s nice to spend so much time with her, but it also hurts him to see her so sad and trying so hard to hide it. When Taako materializes next to her on the deck as they speed away from another consumed world, she hugs her twin for at least two full minutes, and Barry resolves to do his best to protect her…and protect her heart.

Barry thinks he might have a chance. After all, they are a crew of seven, and one of them is her brother. He figures that Lup might want him, even if it’s just for a night (and although he wants more with her, so much more, he would take anything she offers). But it seems he’s not the only one carrying a flame for Lup.

Magnus Burnsides is a huge, handsome, kind young man who has never half-assed anything in his life. So, when he begins to flirt with Lup it’s pretty obvious. He’s constantly showing off, doing ridiculous and dangerous things to impress her. He attempts to learn more about elf culture and magic, talking animatedly to Lup and Taako while they cook supper. He’s courteous, charming, and brave in ways that Barry could never mold himself.

Magnus also notices how Taako’s death affected his sister, and he seems to make the same resolution as Barry. From that day forward, Magnus always has Taako’s back, even going so far as to put himself in danger to protect the wizard. In Cycle 16, Taako is retrieving the Light of Creation and sets off a trap. Before Barry can even react, Magnus leaps forward and pushes the elf out of the way. Magnus is impaled by six spears. When the fighter appears on the Starblaster with his signature black eye months later, Taako punches him hard in the arm. “Don’t do that again, you big idiot!” There's a stone in Barry's stomach as Lup kisses Magnus on the cheek and quietly thanks him.

Compared to Magnus, Barry feels small and boring and incapable.

It’s not even possible to hate Magnus, though, because he’s so damn hospitable. Instead, Barry resigns himself to the fact that Lup will likely choose the fighter over him. He enjoys her company, tries to keep everyone out of trouble, and finds contentment in this seemingly endless time with his new family.

The Beach World on Cycle 21 is a welcome reprieve. They find the light very early and everyone just relaxes for once. Even Merle enjoys himself as he recovers in the med bay; the others visit him often and begrudgingly help him work on his book of poetry. Davenport practices self-care, Lucretia gets lost in her art, and Taako learns how to surf. But things aren’t too leisurely because Magnus decides he’s going to “train” them to be ready for surprise attacks.

Barry is sitting on the beach next to Lup one hot morning. She’s lying on her back on their beach blanket with a large, floppy hat covering her eyes. She’s resting her arms under her head, telling Barry about a festival her aunt took her to when she was a kid. Barry is trying very hard not to be completely distracted by the sight of her armpit hair, her stylish bathing suit, and her beautiful, brown skin shining in the sun. Barry, in contrast, is sitting under a huge umbrella, wearing a white T-shirt, jean shorts, and a thick layer of sunscreen.

Suddenly, a huge shadow covers the sun and a loud voice shouts, “Magnus!”

Barry yelps and drops his glass of lemonade on the blanket. Magnus sinks to his knees in the sand so he’s eye-to-eye with the scientist. “You gotta be ready, Bluejeans. Anywhere, anytime.” He smiles over Barry’s shoulder. “I didn’t get you at all, did I?”

Lup has lifted up her hat a little to look at them, but her relaxed position is unchanged, unbothered. She smirks, “You’re going to have to do better than that, Burnsides.”

Magnus winks. “Challenge accepted.” Barry feels like a jellyfish blob on the sand between them.

And then Magnus takes off his shirt.

It takes all of Barry’s self-control not to throw himself into the ocean and let himself drown. Magnus has these ridiculous broad shoulders, an even patch of hair across his chest, and his stomach protrudes over his waistband only slightly in that sexy way. His skin is browned and freckled from long days in the sun and his ridiculous biceps flex as he throws his shirt on the blanket next to them. Barry, in contrast, is a pale potato of a man.

He’s ready to get up and leave them to their flirting when Magnus speaks up. “Well, see ya later!”

Magnus hands Barry his now empty lemonade glass and then stands up, brushing sand off of his hairy legs. He sprints across the beach until he’s met with the resistance of the water, making a huge splash. “Hey! Taako!”

Caught up in conversation with Lup, Barry had forgotten about the wizard. Taako is sitting on his surfboard, floating on large but gentle waves about thirty feet away from shore. He’s retying his long blonde hair up into a messy bun. “Hey, big guy. What’s crackin?”

“Just doing some training, you know?”

“Yeah, you got Barry good.”

“How’s surfing today?”

“It’s going off. I’ve only been in the soup a few times but that was early in the morning. Dawn patrol, am I right?”

Magnus laughs. “Yeah, for sure.” Taako has been almost creating his own language at this point.

Beside Barry, Lup snorts. “What the fuck does that even mean?” she says. “Magnus shouldn’t encourage him like that but, eh, you know how he is with Taako.”

“How he –” Barry looks back over at the fighter and it’s like a crisp breath of air enters his lungs. Magnus has sat himself on the sand with his feet in the water. He rests his chin on his hand and watches Taako prepare to carve another wave. Magnus cheers when the wizard stands on the board and laughs when Taako falls into the water. Taako’s long hair is out of its bounds again, cascading over his bare, dark shoulders. As he climbs onto his surfboard, he flips Magnus off. Magnus blushes.

Magnus blushes and he looks at Taako with stars in his eyes. He looks at Taako the way Barry probably looks at Lup. And Barry realizes how fucking stupid he’s been.

Magnus hasn’t been flirting with Lup. Barry has only seen him flirt when they’re both with Lup and Lup is with Taako. And Barry was so immersed in his own insecurity that he didn’t stop to actually observe what was going on around him. Some scientist he is.

At the end of the day, Barry watches Magnus offer to carry Taako’s surfboard back to the cabin. Taako, forever dramatic, convinces Magnus to carry him back as well. It doesn’t take much convincing. Barry looks at Magnus’s pleased and flustered expression with Taako latched onto his back, complaining, and Barry internally ridicules himself for being so dense.

A few days later, Barry asks Taako to teach him to swim. They work on it every morning for a few weeks. It’s brutal in the beginning – Barry flounders whenever he tries to go horizontal and Taako has a tendency to point and laugh rather than help. But they both get better at it and soon they have an amicable and productive routine. Barry goes from indiscriminately splashing to a solid doggy paddle to an almost front crawl. And Taako claps and coos at him like a proud mother.

On the last day of their morning swimming lessons, Barry thanks him and gets up the courage to have an honest discussion. “There have been times where I haven’t been able to hang out with everybody because y’all go swimming and there are times where there’s people I, like, you know, want to hang out with and I just haven’t been able to do it and that’s not a good look and it makes me look like a big nerd and I um… It’s just that— I just, like— I don’t know. It’s… Never mind, it’s stupid. Thanks for teaching me how to swim.”

“Who are you afraid of looking silly in front of?” Taako asks. They’re both standing waist-deep in the water and Barry tries to make his anxiety dissolve. Taako’s approval means the absolute world in this situation.

“I look up to Lup a lot…” he admits.

And Taako is graciously chill. He places his hand on the scientists’ shoulder comfortingly and speaks with rare seriousness. “Barry, you’re locked in and this wave’s crashing all around you, my man, and I— I don’t begrudge you anything. You know, we’ve lost a lot, uh, and there’s a lot more we might lose...but the one thing we do have is the thing that people in love rarely ever have enough of – and it’s time.” This is a side to Taako that he doesn’t show often, someone genuine and wise and openly affectionate.

The wizard’s words echo in his head often – “You got all the time in the world, my man.”

Barry is feeling relieved and grateful as he walks from the beach that day with his sunhat on. Lup will tease him about his sunburn but it will be worth it to be able to swim with her. As he reaches the part of the beach where sand transforms into foliage, something stops him in his trek – the sight of a hulking figure sitting on a rock. It’s Magnus. “Is this another training thing?” Barry asks cautiously as he approaches.

Magnus doesn’t look up. He seems dejected. “No, it’s not. I’m just thinking.”

“Um,” Barry fidgets with the string on his swim trunks. “You alright? What’s going on?”

“I dunno, you tell me, Barry!” Magnus says, gesticulating with his large hands. “What’s going on with these morning swimming sessions?”

Magnus looks disappointed and self-conscious; a combination Barry is very familiar with. He has to remind himself to close his mouth.

Magnus Burnsides is jealous of Barry Bluejeans.

Barry begins to laugh. This just makes Magnus’s cheeks turn red and his eyebrows furrow even more. “Fine, okay, you don’t need to –”

“No, no,” Barry interrupts, approaching the fighter. He places his hand on Magnus’s huge bicep. “Magnus, I don’t know how to - … Okay. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“I’m not worried. You’re a good guy. It’s fine. I just thought that maybe…” Magnus shakes his head, and his expression clears. “I asked him if he could teach me to surf and he said he was too busy teaching you to swim so I guess I was just disappointed because I really wanted to…learn how to surf.”

“Magnus. Taako doesn’t want to…swim with me. And I only asked Taako to teach me because I wanted to swim with Lup.” Magnus looks up at him with hopeful dark eyes. “I really want to swim with Lup. I think I want to swim with Lup for the rest of my life.” Barry chuckles. “For a long time, I thought you wanted to swim with Lup!”

Magnus lets out a startled laugh of his own. “No, I… I want to, uh, swim with Taako. But I’m not sure he wants to swim with me.”

“Well, he doesn’t want to swim with old Barry, that’s for sure.” Barry shrugs. “I can ask Lup, maybe? She’ll know.”

Magnus stands up from the rock. His shoulders are relaxed now. “No, it’s okay. I think he needs more time. I’ll ask him myself one day.”

The Beach World is a gift they didn’t know they needed. They grow closer as a family. Lucretia commemorates it through portraiture. Lup and Taako continue to be firecrackers, burning bright, loud, and dangerous. And Barry and Magnus continue to stare with stars in their eyes.

Merle, Lucretia, and Davenport make bets.

In Cycle 25, Merle wins.

[cadence-talle]

Roses Linger With A Sigh

Pairing: Alvar Vacker/Ruy Ignis

Wordcount: 1,786

Notes: I’ve had this in my drafts for a while and I finally worked up the motivation to finish it. Enjoy! (Also: Walgreens is a convenience/drugstore and the BBG is a public garden in Brooklyn.)

Taglist: @everyonehasthoughts, @clearlykeefitz, @loverofallthingssmart, @a-lonely-tatertot, @enbies-and-felonies, @molly-sencen, @lemontarto, @appalyneinstitute1, @ruewen-and-rising, @silver-snow, @linhamon-roll, @hyperlollypop, @never-ever-too-many-fandoms, @keeper-of-the-lost-queers, @impostertamsong, @vibing-in-the-void

“Fuck Walgreens,” Ruy growls, slamming his hands down on the counter. His only employee, a young woman named Umber who’s always wearing black hoodies, doesn’t even flinch. 

“They’re marketing them as The Best Roses in NYC,” she informs him in a bored tone. “And they’ve got lines up the block.”

“Ugh.” Ruy gags. “They’re probably not even natural roses.”

Umber shrugs, tallying another mark on her inventory sheet. She’s not much of a talker, and she has a tendency to scare small children, but she’s a good worker. And it’s not like Ruy had much of a hiring choice, anyway. Very few people want to work in a flower shop. 

“This is going to destroy our monthly budget,” Ruy groans. “Valentines is our busiest time of year.”

“Yep,” Umber says. 

“We don’t even need that much money! Rent isn’t even that high! All we need is, like, a few hundred dollars a month! Is that too much to ask?”

“Yep.”

Ruy sighs. “Can you work the counter this morning? I’m going over there to see for myself.”

“Sure,” Umber responds absently. “Don’t get distracted by the cute guy.”

“The what?” Ruy blinks.

“Never mind.” Umber waves a hand towards the door. “Have fun.”

-/-

Two and a half minutes later, he stands inside Walgreens, staring at the display of roses. Sure enough, they’re chemically altered- larger than normal roses, petals too red to be natural. Ruy supposes they’re pretty, in a shiny plastic way. 

“Can I help you?”

Ruy spins around to see an employee, clad in the stereotypical blue shirt, giving him a bland smile. His nametag reads Alvar. 

(He is also extremely hot. Ruy chooses to ignore this fact.)

“No. I’m fine.” Ruy responds icily. “Just great, actually.”

“Okay,” Alvar says. “Tell me if you need anything, I guess.” 

He turns away and manages to take two steps before Ruy calls “Actually, hey! What are these?” He points to the rose display. 

“Uh.” Alvar blinks. “Flowers?”

“No,” Ruy shakes his head. “No. Absolutely not. Those are not flowers. They’re aliens. They’re disgusting.”

“Sir,” Alvar starts, calm tone beginning to slide into annoyance. “Please stop shouting about the flowers.”

“Stop calling them flowers, then!”

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store,” he says. “Or we can have security escort you. Your choice.”

Ruy snorts. “Like I want to be here anyway. Have a nice day with your fake flowers.” He marches towards the door as Alvar turns into the makeup aisle, muttering under his breath about crazy fucking customers.  

-/-

“And then he just kicked me out. Like I was a piece of trash or something!” Ruy stabs a tulip into the floral foam, making sure it’s standing up straight. On the other side of the store, Umber wraps a bouquet in paper and sets it in a bucket of water, waiting for pickup. 

“I don’t even know why I’m so hung up on it, either. I just- he was so rude-”

“You think he’s hot,” Umber says bluntly, “and you hate yourself for thinking he’s hot.”

Ruy stares at her. “What-”

“You’re very easy to read.” Umber stands up, grabbing her lunch container from the back area. “I’m going on my lunch break now.”

“It’s four in the afternoon.”

Umber shrugs and ducks outside. Through the slightly-vine-obscured window, Ruy can see her heading towards the coffee shop a few doors down. He sighs and moves into the back room, gathering up some more soil for their potted plants. 

He hears the doorbell chime and he calls “just a second!”, grabbing soil bags at double the pace.

“Why are we here again?” an oddly familiar voice asks. Ruy can’t quite place it. He turns to move back into the shop, peering through the gap between the soil bags. There’s a teal-eyed girl standing there, rolling her eyes at someone out of Ruy’s sight. 

“It’s Mom and Liv’s anniversary tomorrow,” she tells whoever’s standing next to her, “and you haven’t gotten them anything.”

“I was just going to pick up a box of chocolates or something. God knows work has enough of them.”

The girl wrinkles her nose. “No one wants your shitty Walgreens chocolate.”

“It’s not that bad-” whoever’s talking stops suddenly as Ruy staggers into the room, setting down the soil bags and brushing his hands together. 

“Sorry about that,” he says, glancing down at the soil one more time before looking up at his customers. “What can I…”

Alvar from Walgreens stares at him, eyes wide. 

“Oh,” Ruy says cooly. “You.”

The girl- Alvar’s sister? She looks way too young to be his sister- raises an eyebrow. “Do you two know each other?”

“No,” Alvar says at the same time Ruy says “Unfortunately.” 

The other man glares at Ruy, jaw twitching. “We’ve… met.” He says finally. “Biana, can we just buy the flowers and get out of here?”

Biana looks at her brother, smirk pulling the corner of her mouth. “Yeah, sure,” she responds. “What do you think? Lilies?”

“I actually don’t care,” Alvar says, following her into one of the aisles. Ruy watches them, eyes wide. 

What the fuck. 

Biana sets a pot of lilies on the counter, smiling sunnily at him. “Just these, thank you.” Ruy nods and rings them up, mumbling out a “have a good day” as the two leave. The bell behind them chimes merrily. 

What the fuck. 

-/-

He’s still confused the next day when Biana enters the store again, still smiling but this time with a tiny blond girl beside her. They’re talking at a speed Ruy can’t even comprehend, and Umber wrinkles her nose. 

“You take care of this,” she says. “I don’t like kids.”

Ruy doesn’t answer; working with Umber, you get used to stuff like that. He gives the girls in front of him his best customer grin. 

“Good morning, what can I get for you?”

Biana shakes her head. “Nothing. Well, nothing right now, at least.” She tilts her head towards one of the signs in their window. “You do flowers for events, right?”

“Uh-huh.” Ruy says. Biana pumps a fist and hands him a folded piece of paper. 

“Ok, that’s all the information. We’re having a party in the BBG on Wednesday night, and we need flower arrangements.”

Ruy is pretty sure the BBG makes flower arrangements, but he’s not going to argue with business. “All right. You need to pay up front, though.”

Biana produces a credit card (who are these girl’s parents?) and waves a cheery goodbye. Ruy flips open the paper.

Wednesday, 7:00-11:00 pm. Brooklyn Botanical Garden. Client: Della Vacker. Fifteen bouquets of marigolds. 

And a note, scrawled at the bottom in perfect slanted script:

Feel free to come dance. -BV

“Hey, Umber,” Ruy calls. “What do you think of a party Wednesday night?” Umber pokes her head out of the fertilizer aisle. 

“Can I wear a suit?”

-/-

The Brooklyn Botanical Garden’s conservatory is lit from the inside, strategically placed lamps and fairy lights hiding among plants and flowers. Ruy’s just finished hanging the last bouquet on a column when the doors open and the hosts enter. 

First is a woman with long, sparkling braids, avidly talking to a woman who Ruy assumes to be Biana’s mother. Next is Biana and someone who must be her brother; same teal eyes, same wide smiles. And the fifth is…

Ruy should have expected this. Should have figured something was up when Biana called him the second time to make sure everything was in place, should have been suspicious he was being paid so much for such a simple job. But he didn’t think it was probable; what reason would this fifteen-year-old girl have to orchestrate such a thing?

Now he knows. Biana Vacker is just a terrible person, same as her oldest brother. 

“Good evening,” Ruy says, stepping down off his ladder with one last tap to make sure the marigolds are secure. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Vacker.”

“Della,” she corrects. “The flowers look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” Ruy smiles. “I’m afraid my assistant and I have to be going now, however-”

Umber appears next to him, giving Ruy a look that is both unconcerned and really angry. “You promised me a party,” she says calmly. “We have nowhere to be. We’re staying.”

It’s very hard to argue with Umber. 

So six turns into seven, and the guests arrive, and people are celebrating… something. Ruy’s still unclear on what it is. 

Umber is gone, off somewhere dancing or drinking or summoning demons (who knows what she does in her free time) and so Ruy is left leaning against a column, watching people dance by. It’s not fun, exactly, but it’s not too bad. 

At least, it’s not too bad until Biana moves over to him, dragging a very annoyed Alvar.

“Look,” she says impatiently. “If you’re not going to dance, at least talk to your friend.”

“We’re not friends,” Alvar says in a tone akin to a frustrated five-year-old. Biana rolls her eyes.

“Whatever. I’m gonna go dance with Marella. Don’t set anything on fire.”

Alvar groans and leans against the column, closing his eyes briefly before turning to face Ruy. 

“Do you want to dance?”

“I- what? Why?” Ruy sputters. Alvar shrugs. 

“It’ll get Bi off my back. And you seem like the only one here who won’t talk my head off.”

Ruy considers. “You know what? Sure. Let’s dance.” 

They sweep onto the floor as Ruy tries frantically to remember his middle school waltz lessons. Alvar jerks his head toward one of the bouquets hanging on the wall. 

“Nice flowers. Walgreens roses are prettier, though.”

“They’re-” Ruy starts, noticing the corner of Alvar’s mouth twitching. He starts to laugh and Ruy joins in.

You’re right. The Walgreens roses are a joke.

“You know I actually don’t care about the roses, right?” Alvar asks when they’ve both calmed down. “They’re the worst.”

“Then why do you work with them?”

Alvar shrugs again, moving them across the dance floor with some sort of fancy box step Ruy can’t hope to replicate. 

“I needed a job. Walgreens was hiring.”

“Oh.” Ruy thinks of his own store, shelves crowded with supplies they don’t have the time or manpower to organize. Before he knows it, his mouth opens. “Well, we could use an extra hand. Over at the store, I mean.”

“Are you offering me a job?” Alvar cocks an eyebrow at him. Ruy does his best not to flush.

“If you wanted one.”

Alvar flashes a quick, sharp grin and spins them around, dipping Ruy close to the floor.

“I think that sounds amazing.”

-/-

Walgreens beats them out for rose sales on Valentine’s. Ruy doesn’t even care. 

[himbo-buckley]

Sex, Intimacy and Buddie (better known as I have a lot of feelings about this show, some of which are related to the before mentioned topics) - Part 5

Hej alla,

hur cool att du är här! Vad kul!

(Kay, that’s it, all the Swedish I remember from two semesters of not really studying, so it’s probably also wrong, uups?)

(Still passed though.)

You guys! We made it! And please, do not imagine this read to you in a happy voice. I am sobbing. I already miss it!

(Also, if you do imagine how I might sound please consider due to several unforseeable circumstances of student exchanges in my youth I have a very weird mixture of British and American English, which basically translates to sounding like either of those doing a bad impression of the other accent - or you know, Australian.)

I’m really having a hard time finishing this meta because I loved doing it so much and I loved talking to all of ya’ll so much. This is a sad moment. (HEY, what if ya’ll came and visited my askbox and I get to discuss random stuff with you!)

Just a fair warning now, somewhere hidden in the middle: this thing is fucking long! We are talking longer than Season 2, so be warned!

Anyways, in case someone is new:

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4

And some general info:

This meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics

I should also mention that I am a Buddie shipper and while I tried, you will find several references and arguments for the ship in this Meta, not all of which necessarily call for a romantic pairing but just: These two are deeply connected and you cannot look at one without discussing the other and they are each other’s strongest emotional connection.

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney voice* we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something

This Meta has FIVE parts. Season 1 and 2 make up one part each, while Season 3, due to something pesky called feelings and the fact that I can’t shut up, has been split in three parts: Part 3 aka Season 3A, which spans 3.01 - 3.10, Part 4 which spans 3.11 - 3.17 and this part which is officially only one episode - but still manages to be just as long. Yay! (Sorry.)

And now for the last time for now: part 5 (also called „You’re a godless, half-witted himbo, Evan Buckley, and I wish I loved you less so I could talk about it more“)

Episode 3.18:

My oh my, this episode.

I loved it but I also … didn’t.

It was way too much and at times felt a little rushed and the pacing was just weird.

I mean I loved the party but did we really need 5 min of it? Did we really need Josh’s storyline and Michael’s so randomly in the middle of the episode? Could we have gotten a longer apology scene? Why the weird phone call?

Let’s talks about all of that! (It’s why you clicked read more, right?)

Ya’ll, I gotta be honest, I am from Europe and I regularly go to places via train and while it’s better than a bus, I can’t see anyone falling in love with that! I am just gonna assume Abby did not go by train in Germany. Or Austria. Or Italy. Listen, I like trains just fine but man, do they not look like what we see here!

But also, as someone who has watched Community, the train lady saying „This isn’t Subway“ in an Episode where the human embodiment of Subway acts is very very funny to me.

I feel like I don’t have to point out how significant the cut from Abby saying „They stopped waiting for me a long time ago“ to Buck and Eddie discussing Chris is. Everyone has talked about it by now. But yes, it registered, as did the fact that Abby is dating a single father - while Buck is apparently basically dating a single father. But, you know, that probably means nothing! *chugs a whole bottle of wine*

The co-parenting was very cute and honestly I feel for Christopher and Carla and the firefam is Buddie does happen because they will try to out-protect each other and it will be glorious and also Chris might never get to leave the nest ever. That poor boy.

Sidenote: We as a fandom have not talked enough about Eddie’s reaction to Bobby yodelling and I think that’s very tragic of us. Because his reaction is the best, all: „Is he - should I - no, you know what, fuck it, Eddie, ignore this, that’s too much, you can not unpack all of this, just move on. Brush it off!“

Just watch his face ya’ll, it’s great! (He will be talking to Frank about this, I know it.)

Sidenote: Also Eddie in 3.15 / 3.15. / 3.17 / 3.18 > any other Eddie, and no, I do not take criticism. That boy has always been fine but the military hair cut or what ever is doing things to me as do his happy eyes and the smiles - my god, the smiles!

It does seem significant though the way the show focused so heavily on Buck’s reaction and - as it had been the case since „Eddie Begins“ - we basically don’t see Eddie without Buck and that’s weird. That feels pointed and important, the fact that after realising, who his family is, Eddie basically never leaves Buck’s side if they are at work.

Also the way Chimney and Bobby look at each other in between, yeah, again, making fun of Christopher’s dads! Like, even if you don’t read this as Buddie, you cannot not read this scene as somewhat confirming the „Buck is Christopher’s other parent“-thing. And I know I answered an ask on Tuesday(?) where I said he wasn’t really but yeah, he is getting there. The whole season spent a lot of time focusing on Buck’s relationship with Christopher and even if it isn’t about Buddie, I still think it will cause trouble in Season 4 if Eddie begins dating again, specifically Chris’ teacher.

I also need to talk about Eddie and control, because like I said in part 4 Eddie needs to learn to let go of Christopher a little which is what we see here happening, specifically through the lens of making Buck even more overprotective than Eddie to really cement the fact in all our minds that Eddie is trying to let his son have some freedom. I am so proud of him, you guys! He just signed up for the worst two weeks of his life, he will be dying on the inside out of concern and Buck will pester him every two seconds about whether or not Chris is fine. This is why these three haven’t been to Disneyland, ya’ll! Eddie wouldn’t be able to handle it without murdering either Buck or himself. I’m sorry.

And speaking of how the episode is cut:

One thing I love about 911 is the way it always makes me consider new character pairings and connections I myself would have never thought of, in the context of this episode: Athena, Josh - and Eddie.

And look, the Athena and Josh thing is daunting enough but you can probably still catch my train of thought, because both are recent victims of assault and the episode shows them dealing with trauma and confronting their attacker, even though in Athena’s case it was just theoretical. But now you’re probably wondering, okay, why Eddie?

Well, for starters, what the episode made me realise, whether on purpose on not through cutting from scene to scene is how many similarities there are between Eddie and Athena, both of them always trying to be in control, both of them more prone to violence / more okay with violence than the others, both soft underneath, both with a tendency to let anger take over, both considered to be extremely capable, both with an intense need for control, both straight talker.

And now I will obviously not pretend that letting your child go to sleep away camp for two weeks is similar too confronting your assailant who beat you up, but still: facing fears and letting go of control vs. finding different ways to regain control is the theme for these three in the episode (or this Season in Eddie’s case) and I like it.

I really like what they did with Athena in general in this episode, because, while I don’t think we will see her as a civilian in Season 4, I am confident they will address her trauma and PTSD - especially if they only do a short time jump of say three months and not jump all the way to January / February which is when it might air if we’re lucky.

And I do think the comparison between her and Josh is very nicely done as both characters did the whole brushing it off / moving forward / I am not fazed by any of it thing, as we as viewers clearly saw what utter bullshit this was.

Which of course connects nicely to Mr. „Brush it off and move on“ who has spent a whole season learning to not just move on but to talk about it. A lesson he might have learned? At least that’s what the episode made me think, from the way he came to Buck / the firefam to talk about Christopher and camp to the way he so clearly tried to get Buck to open up about Abby. Jup, that is some motherforking growth right there!

I also wanna say hi to Brooke Shields and say I hope we see her again, cause her character seemed interesting!

And I do appreciate Athena herself addressing the fact that she messed up a little by not calling for back-up right away. This is not meant in a victim blaming way, I just think Athena is very used to handling everything on her own and not asking for help and it is interesting to see how that changes, now that it has backfired on her once.

And now we are getting into the Abby of it all and if anyone reading this is anti Buddie or severely pro Abby this is the moment to either leave or scroll down some more, because ya’ll I won’t really hold back!

(I think.)

I wanna begin by saying, uhm, Abigail, honey? Can you not read what is written on Eddie’s and everyone else’s helmets? Yes, he is from the 118, it literally says so on like every article of clothing he is wearing, omg!

(Writers, do better, that made an already unlikeable character seem downright stupid.)

Now it is very interesting, that the first person we see Abby interact with directly from the main cast (I’m counting the phone call with Maddie as indirectly) is Eddie who doesn’t know who Abby is but who is close enough to Buck to know the second he sees her who she is. The episode spends just as much time focusing on his reaction to Abby as 3.15 did on Buck’s reaction and tbh that feels … fairly non platonic. Of course we can always go back to „Stuck“ and remember what Hen said about Tatiana but still. That was one scene, here we have several scenes highlighting Eddie’s reaction to Abby and just, what do you want me to do with this, Tim?

I mean, the meeting scene literally goes like this:

Eddie *talking to Abby* > cut to Buck, coming closer > Buck: „Abby?“ > cut to both Abby and *Eddie* > Abby: „Buck?“ while the camera is still on her and Eddie > cut to just Eddie’s face having a realisation > cut to Buck

That is some very extreme focus if we’re being honest.

Also her panic reminds everyone of Buck in 3.15, right? The way she is screaming, disregarding her own safety, all desperate to get to her fiancé. Yeah.

I like how Eddie lets them talk and then steps in when he realises Buck is too shocked and only then rushes off, nearly touching Buck. Too be honest I didn’t realise his hand didn’t make contact until I saw some gifs of the scene.

Also the way Oliver plays this scene? The whole scene is so painful and I love it a lot, his whole delivery is so very painful, from the way he says „We’ll find him.“ to the „Um, what’s his name?“ to the „No. Oh. Don’t worry about it.“ because you can actually see him go through all the emotions from devastation to being so very pissed off and then locking that shit down!

Listen, I know it was teased that Buck had to grapple between being a professional and his personal feelings and I think this episode is him being a professional, because this is Buck and Buck cares so for Buck being a professional means risking his life for some guy on the train, regardless of his promise and who he is engaged to.  

Sidenote: This episode really brought home why Eddie is a firefighter and not a paramedic, because his bedside manner is shit. „This is gonna hurt a little“. Way to downplay, dude!

Also, while I do love the idea of Buck getting to be Captain one day, I think this episode shows why he won’t be. Because even when he is being professional and having great ideas Buck still cares too much and is unable to make the hard decisions. Compare it to Eddie, who, yes, does say „If we have to choose“, but also is willing to make the choice. Because sometimes you have to. (And now I’m crying a little and oh my, this is why I do not work in any job that has me make such decisions because I could not imagine living with myself if I did.)

I do think however Buck did good, from the way he talked to Sam being his usual self and all.

I’m also such a fan of smart Buck and him standing up for himself with Bobby because he doesn’t get to do this often enough and because it is important for him as a character to learn to trust his own judgement and not depend so much on Bobby’s approval. So yay, my baby is growing up!

(Also, obviously Bobby’s worry was also about Buck and not just Athena, we’ve had half a season of Bobby doing the most to „protect“ Buck, mostly against his will, so I really like that Buck got to do the rescue his way in the end, because it shows growth on both sides.)

Now, Eddie and his dramatic reaction in this scene, first of all:

I wanna take a moment to remember the fact that Edmundo Diaz, my main man, my love, my absolute ray of grey sunshine, apparently lacks any kind of self-awareness - or he would stop acting all high and mighty around Buck because the second Buck is out of view he like, drops any pre-tense of having critical thinking skills or something akin to self-preservation and does the next thing that enters his bird brain no matter the consequences. So a moment of silence for Hen, Chimney and Bobby and all they had to go through in the 6/7 months between Buck getting crushed by a ladder truck and coming back to work, because Buck? They can at least make fun of. Or tell him: yo, bro, you being stupid!

You can’t do that with Eddie - because when Eddie does stupid he gone nearly die but like in a heroic way where he still ends up saving himself and you have to be impressed. Urgh, the nerve!

So, you know what, how about, Mr. Edmundo Diaz, you do not judge Buck for wanting to save people and risk his own life UNTIL WE HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU CUTTING THAT MOTHERFORKING ROPE? Got me? Thanks. (I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed, dude.)

(But then again EVERY MOTHERFORKING CHARACTER ON THIS DAMN SHOW SUFFERS FROM CRAZY STUPID DISEASE and no, I do not take any criticism.)

Also I loved Eddie’s dialog and how clearly the whole thing about the promise slipped out if the way his hands closed are anything to go by (or was he imagining punching some sense either into himself or Buck because in both cases: Call Frank, Eddie!). Anyway the way he just left, like, „I can not deal with ya’ll’s stupidity, I am leaving!“ has me shook! That is the top tear entertainment I expect from my favourite show and I love them for it!

I do love how both Buck and Eddie are in protector mode in this episode, Buck with Sam and Abby and Eddie with Buck, especially because if we’re being honest, which we are (this is a safe space ya’ll), Eddie is the one being far more unprofessional! For his standards, of course.

But this is the closest Eddie has come to showing some form of violence since 3a viewed chronologically (because 3.15 happened mostly in the past) yet Buck is just being is usual too caring self. It’s telling and it’s interesting and I’m just gonna say one thing:

„No one is good when it’s personal.“ - because for Buck with Sam it isn’t really personal (though that won’t hit him until later) but for Eddie it kinda is because he is worried about Buck. (And now I did spell it out! But, oh well, I did say we were gonna do some Buddie right around here!)

Sidenote: what exactly was the meaning / reason of that phone call between Abby and her stepdaughter? We already knew Sam had children and from the was she was looking outside they could have had her just see Buck and step out of the tent to watch the rescue, so why do it this way I ask? Why this incredibly unnecessary phone call that felt so very awkward?

Also I am not gonna talk about that scene right now, because I get mad every single time!

So I will just leave a link to what I’ve said about this scene so far here *and* give you the notes I took on this scene:

ALWAYS READY TO DIE

godless heathen of a man he makes me so angry i hate him i hate this show I wanna leave

EVAN BUCKLEY LOOKS GOD IN THE EYES AND SAYS NAH BRO NOT TODAY

(It’s not like his suicidal tendencies are relevant to this meta anyways because like I said a few paragraphs ago: The whole firefam has them! )

Also, for the first time ever: here is a picture I took while watching the show because what are these two extras doing? Why are they touching like that? Who are they and will we see them again? Does my brain get easily distracted by completely unrelated things?

Anyways, the way Buck answers Sam „She’s down there waiting for you.“ when he asks for Abby and his „Good to meet you Sam.“ really brings home how none of his behaviour was about Abby and all about Buck being Buck. (And now I am angry at him again, urgh, THE NERVE! Selfless fucking himbo!)

I really liked that Sam knew who Buck was and that they got to have this little interaction where he probably reevaluated the whole night because that boy just risked his life for him, the guy marrying his ex-girlfriend, and has spent the whole night being so very nice to him and talking to him. Not gonna lie, Buck is a good guy through and through and Sam probably feels like shit now.

Also Eddie coming to stand in front of Buck - I know some people think it was out of protectiveness, which got me thinking:

Tbh at first I was convinced it was a camera angle thing? Because if Eddie stood behind Buck we wouldn’t really see him. Then I thought, so why choose this angle to film it? Obviously the set had to be built a certain way so was there no other way to do it? Also why was it even important, that we saw Eddie arrive like that, couldn’t they have just changed the angle after Abby was gone to get Eddie in the frame? Why was it important that we knew that Eddie was there and 1) was putting himself physically between Abby and Buck meaning 2) that when Abby leaves with her single father, Buck is left with his single father? Why does an episode that is supposed to give Buck closure focus so much on the reactions of his non romantic partner?

(Because tbh, even if they needed to find ways to use Ryan Guzman in this Episode without adding too many scenes, they could have done it with less focus on Abby. I say this as a Buddie shipper who does recognise how important the connection Buck and Eddie have as friends is: storyline wise Bobby would have made more sense in most of these scenes and Eddie could have been used in a different way.)

I’ll leave this scene with the very nice visual of Buck running back to the traincrash and Eddie following him. These two. Like magnets.

And a quick topic change, because I do wanna talk about Michael and Doctor Hale as well in this meta, one because I found them very cute and two because I’ve now talked to a few people about Ana and Eddie and while we by now know she will probably be in Season 4, I feel like we need to compare Michael and Doctor Hale vs Eddie and Ana. Because there is such a difference in the way these love interests where introduced.

Now, of course we need to realise that Eddie and Michael are fairly different characters and Michael has way less relationship related baggage than Eddie has which is why he goes after what he wants way faster (also, carpe diem, he just found out he won’t die). Also of course, there is no moral component to address in Michael dating some doctor vs. Eddie dating his son’s teacher, but still:

Michael and Dr. Hale had one scene together and it wasn’t even overly flirty and yet, we knew where it was heading, we felt the chemistry and everyone ended the episode saying: I ship it, more of that - which they did give us, just *one* episode later. They had some awkward moments, yet the show never left a single doubt in your mind where this is heading.

Now look at Eddie and Ana:

Sidenote: I do wanna say be kind to the character and no hate, especially not to the actress! Yes, she needs to be flashed out more; no, what we saw so far does not make me ship them; no, I do not mind if they dated a little.

First of all we learned more about Doctor Hale in the two short scenes than we did about Ana in four scenes. That seems deliberate.

Second, while we do realise Eddie thinks Ana is attractive from the get go she repeatedly shuts him down by pointedly saying „Mr. Diaz“.

Third, every scene between them - and I mean every single scene - is connected to Buck in some way:

In „Fools“ we cut from Buck saying he likes being single to Eddie doing parent-teacher conference and yes, meeting some other teachers first but also Ana, showing us that while Buck is fine with being single - Eddie might not be. Also, Carla’s „blue eyes“ line which is a little clown-y, so take it with a grain of salt that it could connect us to Buck

Then of course her next scene is Eddie getting in her face about Christopher being hurt. Later in the episode we see Buck reference this on a call, meaning either Carla or Eddie told Buck about it (I am leaning a little toward Carla making fun of Eddie in front of Buck and Eddie then having to come clean about all of it, because I cannot wrap my head about the idea of Eddie telling Buck about having a crush, I’m sorry.)

Her next scene is Eddie coming to apologise to her and she gives her speech about limitations - which we can of course connect to Buck and Eddie talking about Christopher and his limitations before that and then afterwards going skateboarding with them. (It does feel a little deliberate.)

And then of course we have „Eddie Begins“ and you guys, they could have very very easily have either Carla or Buck make a joke about Mrs. Flores and Eddie’s crush in the firehouse scene, but they didn’t! And then we do get to see her at the end where she has one whole line and Eddie barely looks at her and you know what happens? They have a child ask the same question Buck asked at the beginning, making us think of Buck. Like, it would have been enough to establish Eddie doesn’t feel like a hero if the question was asked only once - twice in the span of 45 minutes constitutes a callback, meaning we are supposed to think of the other scene and that means thinking about the other person that asked, which was Buck

And yes, once Season 4 premieres and we get Eddie and Ana in this epic romance because Tim Minear wants to be the next Rick Berman, I will go back to this meta and beat my own ass. Or something.

(Listen, her returning in Season 4 does not mean endgame or the end of Buddie, it just means Eddie might get a love interest. Tbh I actually think it could get us closer to Buddie and you know what, I’m just gonna link all my Ana Flores posts here here and here now so you can read all the other stuff I, alongside some other people, said on this topic, if you’re interested because none of this has a point right now.)

Now, let’s get into the meat of things and talk about *that* scene:

Was it a good apology? No.

Did Buck deserve better? Fuck yes.

Did he get closure? Yes.

Is the way that scene was done actually perfect? I mean, ya’ll, yes? A little?

Listen, this scene was always about closure and that’s what Buck got here and that’s what Buck needed.

Buck, who in Season 1 had described Abby as the perfect woman, needed it to go down like this so he could realise she wasn’t and he could finally let her go. And that’s what it was about!

Obviously looking at Abby’s character this episode does not make her look good, like not at all and I’d be very surprised if we ever saw her again. But looking at it from Buck’s point of view it was exactly what he needed. (Not what he deserved, but yeah, if this show was about what Buck deserved it would be a whole lot different and Buddie would be canon by now.)

One thing I really loved about the scene was the way it was filmed, with LA in front of us, Abby and Buck with their backs to the camera and us only ever seeing them in profile, because it was a  private moment and this sort of made you feel like you were intruding. Like you were listening in on a conversation and I liked that a lot.

Also I think her speech about losing herself through helping people is very interesting because it contrasts her to Buck. Buck found himself in helping others and lost himself when he was no longer allowed to do that and I think that is what she means when she says she would have lost herself with him again. Because Buck is selfless and he is so selfless he inspires others to be the same, except Abby isn’t but being with Buck she would need to be and that is a problem.

Look, if you’ve followed this blog at all or maybe just read part one of the meta you have probably guessed by now that I don’t like Abby. I found her character boring. I thought she overstepped all the time. I got so mad at her for the way she treated Buck in Season 1!

Because in 1.06 she *actually* complains about him being too thoughtful and scared of messing up while calling him a *toy boy*. The truth is, after 1.05 and their first meeting, Abby no longer takes him seriously. She hardly ever takes his feelings into consideration. The relationship, from Valentines Day onward becomes all about what she wants and what she needs and our Buck is the selfless idiot who gives her his all.

I mean, she never even talked to Buck about wanting to leave, just presented him with her decision and then lived her life and never thought about him again.

And like, I think she is wrong if she thinks she’d have lost herself with him again, because Buck was what showed her that she lost herself in the first place. He helped her on the path of self-aquaintance (I guess? I’m lacking the word here), but she is right if she means the relationship wouldn’t have worked.

Because one of them would have lost themselves, though I do think it would have been Buck and not Abby. After all, Buck was the one who gave everything up from the get go and yes, Abby helped trigger him finding himself alongside Bobby and the job and she did help him stay on that path in the beginning - but in the end it was never about her at all. It was about him and him alone and the amazing person he had always been.

And I think that is what Buck realises in the scene. Despite Abby ghosting him, he still looked at her through rose coloured glasses and with fondness, but here, he realises, oh, Abby isn’t perfect. Abby isn’t like the woman I made her out to be. Abby never really cared about me. And as much as that probably hurt, this is what Buck needed to let go of her!

He needed to see that Abby wasn’t the perfect woman so he could let her go - and find himself the perfect person, someone who reciprocates and doesn’t just take. (Am I crying?)

(And look, I am not saying he already found someone like that, someone who proved in this episode how much they care about Buck and his feelings and making sure he comes home every night to his family - I’m saying he found someone who is working on being that person!)

Let’s talk about Eddie and Abby for a second, again, okay?

(Bro, how did I just get to that topic? So random! *laughs in Buddie*)

When I watched the episode my second time to take notes, I wrote one that said ‚Abby and Eddie parallels / lawsuit‘ - and I gotta be honest I barely remember what I meant. But I did still produce some thoughts (just not sure if that was where I was going with the note, so if anyone has some other ideas, please share):

You know how Abby talks about losing herself when she is with Buck? Well, I know someone who lost themselves just this season because he wasn’t with Buck! (Jup, we’re back with the lawsuit, ya’ll really thought I wouldn’t bring this up? You guys! More than 20000 words and you still don’t know me!)

It’s a very nice parallel to have Abby talking about losing herself with Buck when we saw Eddie losing himself without Buck. Because while I think Eddie himself is a selfless person just like Buck, similar to how Buck needed Abby in Season 1 as a catalyst of change so to speak, Buck was the catalyst of change for Eddie.

I talked a lot in the other parts about Eddie having problems with voicing his needs and feelings - and now please once again look at his relationship with Buck. Because here he has been doing this, not from the get go of course, Eddie didn’t take one look at Buck and his whole life was turned upside down (that was Buck looking at Eddie), but I think Buck steamrolling through Eddie’s life helped Eddie find himself. Buck, from the get go, is a calm centre for Eddie, an anchor, even after he reconnects with Shannon. Buck is who he turns to in a crisis, who he trusts with his son, with having his back.

And I think in both cases - Abby and Buck as well as Eddie and Buck - the relationship is brought to the next level through Buck’s selflessness and willingness to help. But while Abby just takes it and doesn’t really see it as the gift it is and never fully lets Buck in, Eddie does the opposite. Eddie, whether knowing or unknowing, makes himself exactly what Buck needs: someone who puts trust in him, who treats him like an equal, who opens his home and his family to him. And he also tries (and this is a big thing considering who we’re talking about right now) to be there for Buck, to be his anchor just like Buck is his - which obviously works with mixed results, because one person, no matter how hard they try can never fix the problems of someone else alone. Believe me. I’ve tried.

And wow, did that get deep and fast! Damn ya’ll and I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in like 5 days. This show really gives me all the feels!

Now, to keep me and maybe ya’ll from crying I’m gonna change the subject and talk about something else, also known as the rest of the episode:

To go back to the start of the episode, Buddie really had some extreme couple / family vibes going on, especially with Christopher in the mix. It’s telling that they included a scene of Buck and Christopher specifically and it was to remind us once again that these two have a strong bond.
I won’t go all: Buddie confirmed, this is were we are heading, ya’ll! Because as you must have realised by now I am fairly cautious when it comes to this and am always fighting to keep my own clownery at bay, but I do have to say so far nothing in this show and Season 3B specifically has read as a red flag for me, disapproving the possibility or making me feel queerbaited. Now, maybe I am just very off in my intuition and they will change gear in Season 4, but well, right now I have some hope!
I also loved the scene of Christopher going to camp and the card which reminded me of 3.01 and also, Eddie looks so good here! And he came so far, letting his son go to camp and all!

Of course I would have loved to see Buck there as well, but one, that would have been a Buddie confirmed and we’re not quite there yet and I’m glad cause right now they aren’t fully ready (in show terms, fanfiction is something different), and two this proves what I said about Buck and Christopher being connected and him having parental / fatherly feelings toward the boy but like, not being his actual father yet! Buck loves Chris and Chris loves Buck and obviously he is part of the Diaz family - but he also isn’t.

(Also: I went to something like camp when I was 11 and you think both my parents brought me? Nah, son, they didn’t. My dad brought me while my mom made breakfast.)

Now, some sidenotes to round it all off:

Karen is a gift and I really hope we see more of her because omg, I wanna be her friend, I wanna be her wife, I wanna learn about life from her! She is awesome and I will never fully forgive Hen for cheating on her, like girly, Eva isn’t even close to Karen on any level?

And speaking of Hen, I love the subplot of Chim coming to terms with her potentially leaving and deciding to help her because he was who she really needed on her side - not anyone else. I’d write a meta on their relationship but tbh it’s so consistent and unproblematic, I really don’t know what to write except: goals about 10000 times. Which isn’t that different to me finding new ways to write THE CONNECTION, if we’re being honest but oh well! Now it’s too late to stop that!

I loved Athena getting spooked by Bobby showing up behind her when she was getting a drink - talk about this show finally addressing the trauma these characters go through! And it only took, oh well, about 35 episodes. Let’s hope that is the energy they bring into Season 4.

Now the apology scene with Bobby, I do hate how Buck is once again the one apologising and especially since it’s with Bobby but I do think it was a nice scene and a great callback to 3.01. Also this episode showed a lot of growth in Bobby and Buck’s relationship. Because after 3a was all about Bobby projecting onto Buck and making decisions for him based on what he thought was the right thing, this episode not only had Buck standing up to Bobby in a healthy and adult way (no lawsuit this time!) but also Bobby giving in and letting Buck make the decision even if he disagreed. That is some motherforking growth right here and Babe, I hope you are not to disappointed with me, but if they keep Bobby like this I might actually begin to see his appeal to people (still need him to suffer the consequences of his actions, though).

But to end on a great note:

Buck is doing okay and - most importantly - MADNEY BABY!!! You guys, we knew it was coming from the promos and all but I cried! I cried so hard! I am so happy for them! These two soft characters and their amazing, open, caring, trusting, adult relationship deserves all the luck in their fictional universe!

Whew, you guys! We’ve done it! And it’s longer than Season 2 (I’m sorry, are ya’ll surprised? This episode was a lot!)

I feel like I should write some form of conclusion to this whole meta and yet my words elude me. Here are the few I have for you though:

This meta began with the idea that neither Buck nor Eddie really knew how to be emotionally intimate with a person and instead used sex as a substitute. This is no longer true for either character.

Buck has learned through his relationship with Abby, that he can be both physically and emotionally intimate with a person and he has proven how this is still true in his reaction to Taylor and his relationship with Ali, what little we saw of it. Furthermore Season 3B specifically showed that Buck, while still afraid to open up to people, is trying. I do think Season 4 is heading toward some kind of romance for him and while I am praying to several deities I do not believe in and the universe itself that it is Eddie, I am not sure. I hope so. But never the less, my shipping aside, Buck has grown tremendously in the course of 3 Seasons and I am so impressed both with his character and the way the show has so realistically done it. I love him. Even more than Buddie I hope we get to see him truly happy in Season 4, happy and settled and learning what life actually holds for him because that kid could rule the world if he wanted to.
Now, Eddie: It’s funny, when I began this meta I felt more connected to Buck, I didn’t really see myself in Eddie, I barely had a grasp on his character at times. Now? Now he is my favourite, I love his greyness, his goodness despite his faults, the way he always struggles with himself to do better, to be better because it doesn’t come naturally to him, because it has been taught to him to do the opposite. And that is so impressive. I love the growth we saw in him, the evolution, the fight to be a better man than his own role-models and I love especially how all of this was motivated by and for his son. He truly loves him more than life itself and I am so impressed with 911 subverting something that feels like a very female storyline by giving it to a man.

But of course Eddie isn’t done yet and Eddie still struggles with intimacy and opening up but he is getting there. Through Frank and Buck and for Christopher he is fighting and he is getting there and I love that for him and about him! He deserves to be happy in Season 4 just like Buck, but mostly he deserves to be at peace with himself!

And I already talked at length about Ana and their potential and linked what I thought didn’t fit in here, so I will not bore you by repeating myself and just say: wait. Wait and see. Maybe the show will surprise us. Maybe it won’t. Maybe corona will kill us all before we have a chance to see Season 4. Maybe we are in the Matrix and the blue pill is a metaphor for being trans. Life is strange!

Also on a more personal note I wanna say thank you to everyone who has read and liked and reblogged and commented. I love all of you. Your support and trust in what I am saying has meant a lot and will mean just as much in the future and I do hope I get to do this again in like a year once they return!

(Also, not to sound needy but another reminder to please reblog and comment? Because I *am* actually writing this because I really wanna talk about the show and my feelings and your thoughts and you know, that can only happen if ya’ll do some reblogging)

(Or come to my ask if you are more comfortable being even more anonymous, I don’t judge - I NEVER ask question any other way!)

In diesem Sinne: hamma wieder was gelernt, recht herzlichen Dank für Ihre Aufmerksamkeit und auf Wiedersehen!

Also, of course, the tagging:

@chimbuckleys​ @angelcamael​ @greyhello​ @the-family-we-choose-118​ @ipleiade​ @sevensoulmates​

[caffeinated-whump]

adding shadows to the walls of the cave

“adding shadows to the walls of the cave”

Written for @badthingshappenbingo

Prompt: “Made a lab rat”

Fandom: The Bright Sessions

Whumpee: Joan Bright

Warnings: Substance abuse, addiction, sedation, medical experimentation, major character death.

Notes: Title is from “Sedated” by Hozier.  Originally uploaded to AO3... several months ago and forgot to post here.

Joan wakes up strapped to a table. No matter how many times she wakes that way, it never gets less disorienting. She hates waking up unable to move. Her arms, legs, torso, and even her neck are strapped down, there’s a gag in her mouth, and all she can see above her is the blinding fluorescent lights of the lab. She winces a little, squeezing her eyes shut and praying she’ll be able and allowed to fall back asleep, given that she woke up naturally and there doesn’t seem to be anyone around.

 She’s not sure why or how long she’s been here, and she’s honestly not sure she wants to find out. No, she’ll just go back to sleep— or at the very least pretend to, and pray that they’ll put her under before whatever experiment they’re doing today.

  That would be nice. A few hours in a nice, comfortable, sedative-induced nap. And then she would wake back up in her comfortable-enough cell and be able to get back to reading one of the books she’d annoyed Ellie into letting her have.   As pathetic as it sounds, Joan had moved past the point of escape attempts a long time ago. She’d passed the point of trying to plead with Ellie or any of the scientists or guards. She’d passed the point of ever hoping to get out of here.   It had been a reasonable decision at the time. She had her cell. It wasn’t too warm or comfortable, but she had a decent cot and an extra blanket, and a pillow that was, well… not entirely awful.   She had her books to keep her from getting bored. Mostly textbooks and research material, because God forbid Ellie Wadsworth not have the most intellectual conversation partner possible when she stood outside Joan’s cell and tried to (metaphorically, thankfully) pick her brain for a half hour or so every few days. It wasn’t that she doesn’t enjoy those just fine, but given her circumstances, she had always felt a little pang of delight every time something fiction ended up getting tossed her way. Fiction meant a brief escape from reality.   Then again, it hasn’t been a very effective escape as of late.   Most importantly, though, she had Mark. They let her see him once a week. They brought them both to an observation room and let them sit at a table. They got to talk, and she relished it, even if there wasn’t much to talk about. They got to hug when their hour of visiting was up and it had been the only thing in Joan’s life that mattered much at all. It was why she brought herself to wake up every day, what kept her from snapping and punching Ellie in the face every time she tried to talk to her. It’s what she thinks about every time she’s in pain.   Any pain was worth the chance to hug her brother.   The pain had been worth it.   And it looks as though she’s going to be reminded of the price she’d paid soon, because the scientists who have just entered the room are chattering loudly, though she can unfortunately barely make out anything about the experiment.   She hates to admit that she likes when Ellie is in the room. Ellie always tells her what they’re doing to her. She talks to Joan about what’s happening to her own body like she’s a patient whose file they’re reading together. It outrages her, but it’s better than having no clue what’s going on.   Ellie isn’t here right now, though. At least, she can’t hear her. And so, no one explains to her what the nodes they’re attaching to her are for. She almost entertains the notion of trying to thrash around on the table. Being non-cooperative enough that they’ll have to sedate her to proceed with whatever they’re doing today.   Normally, she’d be afraid of that sort of thing happening. Afraid of being unconscious and having her body left under the control of people who certainly don’t have her best interest at heart. But she’s come to terms with the fact that nothing she could do would be able to stop them. She can’t save herself. And if she can’t stop them from doing whatever it is they’re going to do to her, she might as well not have to suffer through it.   She’d also normally be terrified of the dependence she’s coming to have on sedation, but if it’s an addiction, it’s not like her life could be made much worse for it. No, for now, all that whatever it is they give her does is allow her a sleep that comes swiftly and is lacking in nightmares. If it causes her mind and body to slowly deteriorate, then what does it matter? All that can really mean is a tough break for the people experimenting on her. If it suckers her in, preying on the addictive tendencies she knows run in her family, then so what? It’s not like she has much of a life to be taken over anymore.   At some point, your life gets to be so pointless, monotonous, and bad that that which is harmful can no longer harm you more than your surroundings already have. It’s not a circumstance she enjoys being in, but she was never exactly given the choice. She might as well take pleasure where she can find it, given her newly found lack of consequence.   She starts to kick at her restraints, failing miserably at much actual movement, but making up for it by continuing to thrash the rest of her body as much as possible. The hands that grab hold of her trying to still her make her skin crawl, and so she tries as best she can to force them off of her.   She’s done with the pain that these experiments always bring. Done with having to sit silently through being poked and prodded and monitored as they use her for God knows what. Observing the physical and mental effects on her of the abilities of the patients they bring in, trying to observe her brain’s reactions to things like pain compared to that of an atypical, testing new additions to Ellie’s long-incomplete attempt at immunity. She tries to thrash her body as much as she can. She squirms so much that the strain of her limbs and neck against the straps hurts. She doesn’t care. When her limbs grow tired and they’re capable of holding her in place more successfully, she tries to scream around the cloth in her mouth.   It comes out muffled, but between that and her weakened yet persistent attempts at movement, it appears she’s starting to get on their nerves, because all of a sudden, one of them is walking towards her, syringe in hand.   She feels the unpleasant prick of the needle in her neck, and though it isn't taking effect yet, she immediately quiets down. She relaxes her muscles on her own before they begin to relax involuntarily. Her vision is starting to fade as she feels them start to hook her up to more machines. As she closes her eyes and tries to distract herself from the unpleasant and intrusive feeling, she briefly wonders what the experiment is.   She’s barely able to think of a possibility before she feels herself start to slip away.   She wakes back in her cell, and, upon sitting up, is greeted by a rather unfortunate sight.   “Hello, Joan.” She grunts and falls back down onto her cot.   “I heard about your little stunt during the experiment today.” Ellie continues talking, apparently unfazed by Joan’s lack of interest. “I really wish you would learn to cooperate.” Despite having years of experience telling her otherwise, Joan hopes that Ellie won’t continue on the conversation if she’s the only one talking.   Her assumption is right, and her hopes are swiftly crushed. Though she barely registers the feeling of disappointment anymore.   “You used to behave so well. What happened?”   While she may be too numb to feel disappointed, irritation and anger still has the ability to pervasively creep its way into her gut.   “What happened?” she spits through gritted teeth.   “I understand you’re upset about Mark, but you need to understand that accidents happe--”   “Oh, so tell me,” she responds, “was it an accident that you kidnapped him and locked him up down here? Was it an accident that you tortured him with all your sick experiments? Tell me, Ellie, was it a fucking accident that you forced him into an experiment with that poor girl, gave her an untested and unsafe serum, and killed her?”   “Some of those things were accidental, yes--” Joan sits up fully this time, nearly feeling sick as she stares into the eyes of a person she used to care about, used to love. “I know that accidents happen, Ellie. But shit like what happened to Mark doesn’t happen without a series of unforgivable and reprehensible shit happening beforehand. And now because of that reprehensible shit--” she pauses what has turned into shouting to wipe the tears that have begun to flow from her eyes. “...Because of you I might never be able to see him again. So yes, I’m still fucking upset.”   Ellie doesn’t respond to that, and Joan wishes she could savor the smugness she would feel about leaving her speechless under any other circumstance. Instead of thinking of a comeback, Ellie shifts her weight almost awkwardly and changes the subject. “Your dependence on sedatives is really starting to concern me, Joan.” And Joan hates that she does sound it, concerned. After all she’s done, she still thinks she has the right to feel concerned for her favorite lab rat.   “Go to hell.”   Wadsworth sighs. “You know, I really was hoping we could have a civil conv--” “Go. To. Hell.”   Joan watches as the director of the facility takes a second, brushes off her blazer, and plasters an almost sickening smile across her face. “You don’t know the meaning of hell, Joan. Not yet.”   With that, she walks away.   Joan can’t help but snort. Ellie and her fucking fear tactics.   ‘You don’t know the meaning of hell.’   Bullshit.   The next time she finds herself strapped down, it doesn’t take her by surprise.   No, they go about it her least favorite way. By opening the door to her cell, grabbing her by the hands and marching her down to the room where she supposes they’ll be conducting today’s experiment.   They take her to a lab. That and the fact that there doesn’t seem to be an atypical present is what tips her off to the fact that this is probably a drug trial of some sort. Maybe Ellie’s taken another crack at immunity. They strap her down quite easily. She’s five feet tall, malnourished, and outnumbered. Even what little resistance she could attempt likely wouldn’t have had much effect. Thankfully, she isn’t gagged. The reason for which is revealed when the door on the other side of the room opens only seconds later, and in walks Wadsworth.   “Joan!” she greets her eagerly, as though she’s waving to a friend across the street, not staring down at a human test subject strapped to a table. “Today’s experiment is a big one.” She can tell that by the grin on Ellie’s face. She doesn’t know that she’s ever seen her this excited about an experiment. As Ellie attempts to make conversation, she watches scientists crowd around her, once again hooking her up to machines and monitors.   “Wonderful,” she replies deadpan.   “Come on, Joan. I think you’ll be very excited if this goes as planned.”   “I seriously doubt that.”   “Haven’t you ever wondered if you could do it too?”   “What?”   “The things your brother can do. It’s biological, Joan. It’s a gene. It has to be. Haven’t you ever wondered if you had it too?”   That makes her go quiet a bit. “I... Yes. I’ve wondered.” She’s too taken aback to not answer honestly, besides, that’s probably the answer Ellie would have tried to prod out of her eventually. “But I’m well past the age at which atypical abilities typically present. It’s definitely possible, though entirely unlikely, and I really doubt--”   “Exactly, Joan. It’s possible. And it might be even more possible after today.” If she had been told that that was a possibility a year ago, she’d be so curious, fascinated, excited. But now there’s an uneasy feeling settling over her. She’s scared. “How?”   “Well, obviously the end game here would be to be able to give abilities to a person with no atypical genes. But for now, this would be a major step in the right direction. The plan is to attempt to activate your atypical gene, with…”   Joan tries to move her head enough to watch as Ellie disappears briefly out of her line of sight. She returns with a vial in hand.   “... this experimental serum.”   The gears in her head are turning. This is a thing they’d talked about before, in theory. Things she’d read papers and hypotheses on, but the full idea had never been developed enough to pose an actual experiment. She knows how they’ve speculated at making this work. “How did you make it? What’s-- What’s in the serum?”   Ellie seems to notice the sheer anger beginning to spread across Joan’s face. “Joan, you have to understand. We have a very unique opportunity with you two here.” “You used his DNA.” “Yes. We did.”   “How dare you. ” “Really, Joan, you know that this is hardly one of the most invasive experiments we’ve--”   “No! I don’t care! You tortured him without end, took away whatever semblance of a life he had left and now you’re still fucking using him. God, he can’t even escape from you people and your sick games by being unconscious.”   “You need to calm down.”   “I need to calm down? No! Fuck you! Fuck you!”   Ellie doesn’t respond to Joan’s shouting, only sighs and turns towards someone who she can’t see. “Dr. Carlton? Yes, can you hand me the-- thank you.”   She watches as Ellie is handed the dreaded piece of cloth that is usually stuffed in her mouth during experiments as she continues to shout obscenities at her. She’s in the middle of forming another angry insult as she feels it being crammed into her mouth, making what she was about to yell be cut off and morphed into a muffled cry. Her head is pushed up a bit and she feels the cloth tied tightly around it.   Then, Ellie picks up a syringe. She tries to put up a fight but Ellie grabs her arm and holds it in place as she injects her with the serum.   The injection itself stings a bit, but the prick of a needle is a discomfort Joan has grown incredibly used to. The real pain comes seconds later. It feels like fire in her veins. Like something toxic is running through her, sending jolts through every nerve, making her want to scream.   She tries to. It comes out muffled.   The pain continues to shoot through her, causing her to squirm and shout as the people around her all rush to observe and murmur about whatever is happening on the monitors. Her screams grow louder, as, with time, the pain only continues to get worse.   She feels tears start to run down her face and before she knows it she’s writhing half of it being her body’s response to the pain and half of it being desperation. A call for attention. Maybe someone will see that she’s hurting and try to figure out what was going wrong, try to make it stop, or better yet just put her under.   And thankfully, it looks like someone is on their way to do just that. A person in a lab coat is approaching her with another syringe and a concerned expression. Then, a voice comes from behind her. “No, don’t sedate her. She needs to learn to cooperate.”   Just the sound of Ellie’s voice causes her to be overcome with anger as yet another wave of pain rolls through her. This time, it’s excruciating. She feels like every nerve in her body has been set on fire and stabbed with a thousand needles, then an intense throbbing feeling grows in her head.   She screams as loud as her lungs will allow her, twisting her body at every angle possible as she tries to writhe against her restraints. The headache dissipates and as it does, she realizes that the burning is gone too. All that’s left is a faint buzzing. An energy running through her that leaves just a bit of a sting.   She keeps thrashing.   She’s angry, and she’s scared, and she’s been in so much pain for so long that it’s finally catching up to her, and the jolt of energy she’s still feeling is demanding she do something with it.   She must be getting on Ellie’s nerves enough by now, because soon enough, she’s being unhooked. Several guards are rushing into the room and Ellie is demanding they ‘take her back to her cell till she calms down’. She’s grabbed by the arms and practically carried from the room as Ellie cuts through ahead of the guards and down the hallway.   There’s still a burning rage in her gut, so much so that her skin is practically itching with the need to make her pay. Then, all of a sudden her thrashing gets more violent. She pushes back at the guards, resisting their attempts to gain control of her as she fights to break free of their grasp, and before she knows it she’s charging down the hall after the woman who ruined her life.   Wadsworth doesn’t want to sedate her, to let this fucking misery stop. That’s fine. She’ll change her mind.   She tackles Ellie to the ground with a surprising force, but just as she raises a fist, she feels herself being pulled back. She resists again, taking a swing at the guard closest to her, then another, then another. Soon, even more guards are surrounding her, attempting to take her down as she attacks them desperately. She hits, bites, punches, kicks. She can barely keep track of her own movements as she attempts to fend off one after the other.   Only one guard really piques her interest. The one carrying her relief in a small syringe.   She tackles another guard to the ground desperately and sure enough, the other comes rushing over, sticking the needle into her neck the second she leaves herself exposed.   She feels dizzy for a second. And then she feels another rush of energy. She throws a punch and sees a spurt of blood as her fist connects with the nose of the guard beneath her.   The sedative isn’t kicking in yet and the rushing of adrenaline through her veins remains more intense than anything she’s ever felt, as though there’s something vicious and violent inside of her that needs to make itself known.   Why isn’t she losing consciousness yet? Why is she still angry, and fighting, and in pain? What the hell was in that serum? What did they do to her?   She feels another syringe and another set of hands trying to pull her back, and again, the world spins for only a minute before the surge of energy returns. Before she knows it, she’s being pinned against the wall. Several people are holding her down as she’s injected with sedative after sedative, none of them stopping her from kicking and shouting, only weakening her slightly.   She can hear Ellie shouting at them to stop, telling them that that’s enough, warning them that they were going to hurt her. But every time they allowed Joan to even so much as regain her strength from a brief bout of drug-induced dizziness, she lunged at them with all her might and they had to struggle just to get her back up against the wall.   They’re not listening to Wadsworth anymore. They’re doing they’re best to stay unscathed as Joan rages against them, tranquilizing her and watching her grow dizzy and get over it over and over again, hoping that eventually something will take.   And then, just as she’s growing fatigued, just as the thrum of energy is starting to slow down, just as she feels herself begin to weaken, she’s stuck with another needle.   This time, her muscles start to relax. Within seconds, she goes limp, being held up on her feet only by the arms of the guards still pinning her to the wall.   Only, it doesn’t feel as peaceful as it had before. Something feels wrong. Something is starting to hurt, everything is starting to hurt. It feels like she’s being hit by everything they’d given her at once, which, she’s starting to realize through the intense dizziness and stupor, she probably is.   She feels herself start to shake as the room starts to spin.   She can’t breathe.   Ellie is yelling. Ellie is yelling a lot, and she can barely make out most of it. She can make out her name, though. Why is Ellie calling for her? What’s happening? Where is she? Why can’t she breathe.   She feels herself hit the floor as her vision starts to spot with black and she struggles, taking all her strength just to try and take a breath.   She feels someone gripping her shoulders and she thinks she can make out Ellie yelling something, though her vision is fully fading to black now and there’s a faint humming in her head drowning out most sound.   Then, the burning pressure in her lungs releases, giving way not to air, but to calm.   Her vision seems to come back, not in the sense that she can see anything but black, but in the sense that she feels what she’s seeing is right.   There is no energy coursing through her. There’s no energy, no anger, no fear, no pain. She feels light. Calm.   She feels happy.   The sound of her ears ringing is beginning to fade, and now, over it, she swears she can hear her brother’s voice.

[bookwyrminspiration]

*chants* NEW CHAPTER NEW CHAPTER NEW CHAPTER

-don’t know if you remember me, I referred to myself as your cake nonsie last chapter-

1- ‘She climbed through the fucking window.’ They’re literally freaking out over Dex -as am I jjdfdvdv- and this sent me for some reason????

2- ‘Dex lay on the couch, head tilted forward and rested on Keefe’s shoulder, breathing heavily with his eyes scrunched closed. His hair tousled and ragged, Keefe’s hand resting gently on the back of his skull, fingers brushing against the nape of his neck. Keefe’s eyebrows were furrowed with concentration, and she’d been on the receiving end enough times to know what that look meant--emotion regulation. He’d only done that in extreme situations. Shit.’ I’M SO SORRY FOR DEX BUT THIS IS SO PURE FOR SOME REASON WTF I LOVE DEX AND KEEFE’S FRIENDSHIP SO MUCH FNJDND

3- ‘Marella took control, nothing but fiery determination in her voice, a practiced calm as she listed off instructions, as she looked down at Dex and did not panic.’ YAS QUEEN I LOVE HER SO MUCH I-

4-’“What have we gotten ourselves into,” she laughed humorlessly, pulling at her cheeks, dragging her hands down her face. “This is...beyond fucked up.”’ -no but this being me getting into a new fandom-

5-’“You’re stealing my aesthetic,” Tam deadpanned’ fkfbdhyruefd HELP I WHEEZED

6-’Theoretically, Sophie Foster was immune to heights.

She was not immune to panic.’ -same sister same-

7-’Buildings typically don’t have a tendency to move’ Why do these lines sEnD mE-

8- Please the Biana moments were all I needed from life and more -and her WINGS!! THEY’RE PERFECT!!

9-’“Yes, brrrr. I’m a little preoccupied though,” she grimaced. “More of a bzzz bzzz if you get what I mean.”’ Y E S! ANOTHER BEE JOKE! THE PUN IN THE LAST CHAPTER NOW THIS-

10- eXcUsE mE- ThE eNd- bEsTiE- I- hOw dO yOu KeEp dOiNg tHiS- kEePiNg mE sO iNtRiGuEd- VfGsEtH-

11- All in all, a wonderful chapter once again. I shall give you some more cake for this lovely work. Thank you for wonderful writing :D I can’t wait for the next chapterrrrr

okay tumblr deleted my entire respond to this so let’s try that again.

welcome back, cake nonsie!!! I am so glad you noticed the whole climbing through the window thing because those lines fucking sent me while I was writing. I was trying to write a serious moment but they just refused to find the door

Also Keefe and dex interactions make me happy so. They’re just so soft no precious and I couldn’t resist. As for Marella, I thought it made the most sense for her to be the most collected because she often helped with her mother (which is different, but there are enough similarities).

Sophie and Keefe commiserating over their lives being fucked up gives me serotonin. So does Tam joking around with Keefe. It was honestly just what I was thinking as I wrote the scene so I just made Tam say it—. As for Sophie…she’s not doing to hot right now. Also desperately needs a shower and a change of clothes but has not received either.

The building line cracked me up ngl. I sent it to both sil and nattie as soon as I wrote it because it made me laugh so much. It’s kinda like the window thing, just the little stuff that’s hilarious for some reason. Also Biana!! I love her so much. Her wings were easy to choose because I just looked at her and went oh something really pretty and boom butterfly. Also cause butterflies are badass.

Sophie laughing in times of distress is something that can be so personal. Her life is falling apart and she’s just here like hmm. Not great. Don’t like that.

As for the ending, was entirely unplanned tbh. Same with the cat-thing. My partner suggesting writing about cats to get out of writing block and then we ended up here and honestly I’m vibing

I’m very glad you enjoyed the chapter, cake nonsie!! I will graciously accept your cake and offer you a few magic cookie bars that my mom and I made earlier today!! This chapter ad definitely a lot of fun so it’s wonderful to hear your thoughts on it!!

[there-must-be-a-lock]

it's fresh and exciting, and I love it, and more than that, I love it for YOU. / And of course your writing has always been GOOD it's not about technically ability. I just feel like we are seeing a different side of you. // And maybe just maybe what you're working thru isnt quite so dark any more. It's still deep, and beautiful, and thank you for sharing! / But.... I hope you can hear what I am trying to say. DO you have any thoughts?

Hooo boy. Okay, so, I’ve been thinking about this some, because I’ve definitely noticed this in my own writing! I had a thought, the other day, that I should apologize to the people who originally followed me for smutty SPN reader inserts… because that is NOT the majority of what has been happening on this blog lately. Oops. I’m not actually sorry though. 

Basically, a couple things have changed. 

1. At the end of January, I finished Marked. It was the most time-consuming (over two years) most serious (meaningful and personal) and longest (83k) thing I’ve ever written. For the two years I was working on it, I think everything else I wrote was mostly filler: romance, smut, whatever, all of it basically served as a palate cleanser between deep difficult dark excursions into Marked. So when Marked was done, I felt really satisfied, like it would be okay if I never contributed anything else of substance to the SPN fandom, because I was proud of that one thing I’d accomplished. I also felt more confident, because I’d proved to myself that I could tackle a project that big and actually follow through and finish it. Most importantly, though, I felt like I’d worked through a really major trauma, and moved through a major step in my healing process, and I could move on with my life. Now that the Big Trauma was purged onto the page (doc, whatever) I could free up some brain space to think about other serious life experiences and delve into other dark nasty corners of my psyche. Wheee! 

2. I joined a lovely little Slack chat full of smart, supportive, talented, creative, kickass ladies, whose opinions I respect beyond measure. Finding that community of people who are always there if I need criticism or brainstorming or support or whatever else is a huge, HUGE boost to my creativity. I used to have random “oh it’d be funny if…” thoughts and I’d kinda brush em off and let them go. Now I share them, and there’s somebody there to come back with “that’d be hilarious, and also this should happen, and also here’s a picture of Harry Styles in a collar, now WRITE THE THING.”  

2a. One incoherent flail from one of the Slack crew always means more than any number of reblogs from random people. Not that comments and messages don’t feel good, always, but it means so much more coming from someone whose work I admire and whose opinions I value, and who I care about on a personal level. 

3. I realized that reader engagement was seriously down, and that there was no way anything I wrote was going to get as many notes as it might’ve two years ago, and that the amount of time and energy I put into things is never proportional to the amount of notes those things get. When I realized that, I took my one last fuck I’d had to give about notes or whether anyone would read something, and I chucked it out the window. Defenestrated that fuck. I have zero fucks left. 

So, where does that leave me? Fuckless and happy. 

No, literally though, fuckless. By which I mean, thanks to the Womanizer and some soul-searching, I’ve realized that I’m very content on my own. I’m just not particularly interested in sex right now, and I think that’s come through in a major way in my writing. Not that I haven’t written any smut, but it’s all had an underlying theme/issue/twist to it. Finally was about consent and communication and how difficult it can be to be honest with a partner. Envy was about, um, envy, and how ugly it can be. The most romantic, “normal” smutty things I’ve written were probably Five Seconds and the Everything quarantine ficlets, and those were pure escapism, because 2020 sucks and so I rewrote some of it. We are in a shitty situation and I wanted to imagine it less shitty for a minute. 

One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is psychology, and very specific, darker facets of the boys I’d never really taken the time to dig into before, and through them, some of my own issues. Prey was a really weird twisted adventure into Soulless Sam and the way his brain worked. Set Yourself On Fire was about what I assume was the darkest time in Sam’s life, and it ended up being about my own depression and addiction issues. Quitting, also about addiction, and the way we perceive ourselves and hold onto patterns. Sharp Edges was about a personal headcanon I have about Sam, which is that he’s a very reluctant sadist who feels guilty about what he needs, but it ended up being just as much about the general psychology of BDSM and kink and the ways we hide from other people. When I stopped looking at the Winchesters as romantic leads, I found a whole lot of interesting material for other stories. 

Crossovers have been a ton of fun. I realized I imagine crossovers in my head all the time: what would these two have to say to each other, what do they have in common, wouldn’t it be funny if Valkyrie from the MCU met Gail from Sin City (“My warrior woman. My Valkyrie.”) or if Buffy and Dean had a pissing contest about who could sacrifice themselves the most. Again, there’s SO little overlap of fandoms for some of my favorite characters (see also: the Sam Winchester/Frank Iero fic) but I’ve just stopped caring (see #3 above) because they are so entertaining for me to write. Take a couple cool characters! Smush em together and see what happens! It’s like a chemistry experiment. Let’s see what explodes. 

And then there’s Fluff Friday. I’ve always had a tendency to put a lot of pressure on myself and to make everything Deep and Meaningful and Important, but I’ve realized that tropes exist because people fuckin love them, and I fuckin love em, and why the fuck not write a millionth “there was only one bed” fic, because I always love reading those. I’ve been allowing myself space to just do whatever the fuck makes me happy, and I’ve been taking requests because it’s also nice to make other people happy sometimes too. Even if there isn’t a real plot, even if it’s just 300 words where nothing really happens… those little moments can make someone smile. Like I said, it’s 2020. We all need some fuckin smiles. 

Tl;dr version: I stopped putting pressure on myself, I stopped worrying about notes, and I started writing the things that interest me. I’m having so much more fun writing these days. 10/10 would recommend defenestrating your remaining fucks.  

Thank you for still reading, and for noticing the change, and for sticking with me and my unpredictable brain. Your friendship is one of the best things that’s come out of this whole fandom deal.