#also got to talk about the concert with friends today as one from our group chat was going to a concert tonight and yea

[fieryanmitsu]

I’m sorry I can’t be normal about this event 😭😭😭. Just going to cry and word vomit some more over Same Age Group ajwbrkfkskakwkngnfkakaknks!!! LOOK AT THEEEEEM! 😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭

I have so many feelings about these three and their friendship. Just look at how relaxed and buddy buddy they are with each other in this image! 😭 I know they’re all tipsy, but it’s still a fact that they’re great friends and their badge for this event is literally along the lines of “today, at the usual place”. It just makes me so warm and fuzzy that they regularly go out to eat and drink together. Like every time I see them talk about it in voicelines, etc. my heart just clenches and now we get a whole card, song and event about them?!?! I die.

And also the fact that the event teaser description is “The "now" that was unimaginable back then is here.” absolutely destroys me (in the best possible way—I’m being bombarded with all the good feels 😭😭😭). For Tasuku and Tsumugi, they’ve finally reconciled after their fallout and now are acting together when they thought it would never happen again. And, more significantly, the fact that Itaru is part of their group now… when, before Mankai, he never would have thought he’d have friends like this. 😭

And it hits even harder when we look at their gacha cards!!

LIKE WTF?! I wasn’t ready for this?!?! What do you mean Itaru is in the background and implies that these three were so CLOSE to being in each other’s lives during their high school years?!?! I daydream constantly about the “what ifs” of Itaru meeting them earlier in life (like I think about it so much I wrote a whole damn AU series about it 😭) and here it is dangling in our faces 😭😭😭. I just love that the theme of their unbloomed cards is all of them in high school, but then when you get to their bloomed cards…

It’s so obvious that they all have such a presence in each other’s lives! 😭 If we look at that event description teaser especially from Itaru’s POV, he never would have imagined he’d be regularly rubbing elbows with two buddies at an izakaya let alone being so comfortable with people that he would TIE HIS SILLY LITTLE HAIRTIE ON TASUKU’S HAIR and DRINK OUT OF A DUMBBELL BEER GLASS (which he is probably doing out of jokes to Tasuku or maybe just straight up got it as a gift from him).

I’m just so happy that Liber obviously found this friendship so important and significant that they gave us this content and I’m here for it 😭😭😭.

Also the song is SO GOOD?!?! It’s so chill but catchy!! I will cry if they ever perform it at a future Blooming Live concert!! I don’t understand the lyrics but the title of the song being “accord” also just hits me in the feels! 😭 It’s such a positive word to describe their relationship!

I really hope someone will translate the event story, event cards and the song lyrics one day!! If anyone sees the translations somewhere, please hit me up!! Or if any translators wants the raws for translation I can totally supply them!

As a side now, I swear SSR Tsumugi gacha cards are always so hard for me to obtain 🙃. It only took 1,595 gems (11 whole 10-pulls) for me to get one copy of him 🫠🫠🫠. I’ll stop talking now and go back to desperately grinding the rest of my unread content for more gems to try and bloom him 😭😭😭.

[kanmom51]

JM Wlive 10 Feb 2023

cr./ to the creators of the media used by me in this post.

Where do we start?

Maybe with JM starting his live at 19:01 or 7:01 pm.

If numbers are your thing, well we get them here with the 1 and 9 and by using both 19:01 and 7:01 we can get the 11/8.

Just a little fun. Intentional or not.

So, what did we have in the 1:40 hr. live?

JM came to us with another arts and crafts live. I think that having that distraction, literally doing something with his hands, puts him at ease, which makes it easier for him to navigate the live without a constant need to look into the camera or even the comments.

JM starts off by telling us his album is on it's way, probably to be released in March.

This out today:

JM also hinted to look forward to something coming today, and et voila, we had his TikTok dance clip drop.

JM gave us something to not only dream about but also, just maybe, to actually look forward to:

..."wait a little..."

Just how little, is the question that comes to mind. Lol.

Is it something new, the dating requests? Or is it just a JK and JM new thing not only answering the question but also answering it similarly?

JM:

and:

JK:

JM was asked about his fighting with Tae.

Nothing or no one to fight over. Disappointing to some?

JM was also asked about Jin, whom he referred to as cool, and like JK, he confirmed that Jin is doing ok and at times is in touch with them in their group chat.

JM being the usual sweetheart that he is:

JM talked a bit about Sachwita and Yoongi, how well he's doing and how he hopes he will appear on the show when his album comes out.

Someone asked JM if he can motivate them:

We got a lot of JM mentioning JK, telling us stories involving JK, starting with thinking he saw JK's name in the comments.

JK didn't comment, but I can just imagine him sitting at home watching JM's live:

going all:

Same here JK. Same here.

Some of the songs we got during the live:

Vibe

Astronaut

Euphoria

And we know how JM looked out for JK during his Euphoria rehearsals and performances.

And we were lucky to get JM singing Euphoria too.

JM was watching the Euphoria MV

and talked about how well everyone did and how cold it was while filming.

That that

So, this was the cute/teasing version JM's talking about?

Lauv

Ok, so we all know they love Lauv's songs. Past and present. JK was singing Never not going to the loo in his live, lol. While JM had Better than this going in his live.

Flower works

Both JK and JM had Flower works going during their lives (respecting their hyungs doing their songs during their lives).

JM mentioned JK once more while talking about multitasking. I tell you, this man has JK on his brain.

JM made a couple of flowers to add to his previous lego flowers and then moved on to create a Valentine's teddy.

End product - Valentine's bear minus a nose, lol. Funny pick for someone who doesn't think much or care for that day.

I want to almost end my post with Sam Smith's Unholy.

Cause peeps, all claims that Jikook don't know the actual song (well, it was a claim made about JK, but same same to me), they don't hold water. Unholy clearly on JM's playlist. When it came on I was rofl. Literally.

What did we have there?

We had Unholy on JM's playlist.

We had JM's giggle as it came on, and then knowing that Jungkookie sang it in his live.

We had JM turning it off perhaps, so Jiminie-like, but then also continuing to hum it, lol.

So either he watched the live, either live or after, or he's on sm and saw posts about it or he heard about it from the horse's mouth?

And talking about Jungkookie...kind of felt JM had a hard case of Jungkookie on the brain during this live, the amount of times he mentions him, the way his whole face lights up, and the smile on his face... beautiful.

Finally, just for fun and giggles, but also a warm fuzzy feeling, let's end this post with just under 30 seconds of JK and JM mentioning the other in their lives:

I'm finalising my post after JK's boxing workout Wlive we are all gushing about.

Now I need to go count how many times JM's name was mentioned in that one and we need someone with good editing skills (not me) to go add those to this clip, which at just under 30 seconds doesn't even start to come close to the amount of times these two have mentioned each other in their last lives, all while the other isn't even there in the room with them, even when the other isn't even commenting in their live either (JM).

[eteisvalssi]

on christmas day i saw what you guys wrote on my christmas tree decorations and it got me so emotional and then i saw everyone else also getting sappy and writing something and so i started writing this back then but the post got too long and i was tired so instead i decided to finish this later and post it today on new year’s eve!

from telling my friend at the beginning of the year that i could never imagine myself going to see an artist multiple times in a short amount of time to literally seeing joker out twice in three days in september, this year has been full of unexpected events. finland almost won esc??? i found a new favorite band and traveled all the way to prague to see them??? i’ve found myself in some situations this year that i could’ve never imagined possible and it’s all thanks to this green rapper from finland and five slovenian guys in an indie rock band

i also want to say thank you to all of you. all of the people i’ve gotten to know in this fandom have been so nice! when i bought my tickets to the nordic tour, i didn’t have any friends in the fandom. but then i started using tumblr again and honestly you guys are the sweetest people ever and i feel so lucky to have you in my life 🩷 and not to forget all the friends i’ve made while queueing for the gigs (also the ones not on tumblr)! i couldn’t have asked for a better company for any of the gigs i’ve been to 🩷 i also hope that i’ll get to meet as many of you as i can next year!

this is getting long so i’m gonna ramble some more under a read more and sum up my year. have a safe new year everyone 🩷

i don’t remember much from the beginning of the year. i was heartbroken and after being a fan of esc for like 10 years i felt like i could never ever enjoy esc again (dramatic, i know). i did check the umk contestants when they were announced but didn’t really dig further into it. but it all changed when i woke up on the morning of january 18th and saw literally everyone talking about this green guy named käärijä and the song cha cha cha. of course that also made me check kuumaa’s song when it got released the next day and i immediately fell in love with ylivoimainen. even though ylivoimainen was my number one fave umk song this year, i do remember telling my friends that ccc is our only choice if we want to win eurovision.

in march i was going to my first käärijä gig. it was a esc themed student party and they had a esc song quiz before and we got to the finals but the other group was faster so we ended up second 🥲 for the concert we did end up in the front row (with less than an hour of queueing and we had time to actually sit down at a table before the gig??) but i ended up giving my spot to a nice fan because i could see from behind my friends just fine and i wasn’t really there for käärijä 😅

april 7th 2023. my 25th birthday. käärijä's first pre-party and so the first pre-party i followed this year. the day bojan and käärijä met. the next day i was watching the livestream of the concert and patiently waiting for käärijä's performance (jodelissa kaarinan lapsuuskuvat nevö foget <3) and that's also when my joker out brainrot actually began. it followed me all the way through esc and made me buy a ticket to the nordic tour and i feel like the rest is history so i'm just gonna do a quick recap

i joined tumblr again in july after getting tired of only using jodel. i had a busy summer at work but did go to one käärijä gig but other than that i feel like nothing else really happened until the nordic tour.

then the nordic tour came around and i just had the best time. i’ve already written gig reports from these so i’m not gonna go into detail but i got good spots both at tavastia and olympia, i talked to so many nice people and i sang umazane misli at tavastia. the most surreal moment though was when i found myself singing in a karaoke bar in tampere after the gig and i see the same people who i’d just watched perform singing along to me

after the nordic tour i really wanted to go see them again and so i booked tickets to prague and even though the queue was a mess and honestly i’m not gonna lie and say that i’m not still salty about it, but other than that i had such a good time! hanging out with my dear mutuals, seeing both lps and joker out and finally hearing the songs we hadn’t heard at the nordic tour and seeing the new outfits! i also got to hug both jan and bojan 🩷

i got to end my year of concerts the way i started it, by going to a käärijä gig, but this time it felt so much different compared to the one in march. i actually knew other songs than ccc this time 😅

personally 2023 was a year of growth and healing for me and i hope to have as much fun next year as i had this year. i have so much planned for next year, umk in february, joker out in march in helsinki and maybe somewhere else too so see you there 🩷

[beatricebidelaire]

(Cont’d)

“Mr. Squalor. Is this your first masked ball with us?”

“Yes - I’m so glad to be here,” he beams at her, and she can see the excitement mixed with nervousness radiating off him. He holds onto Jacques’s hand a little tighter. “You and Jacques and Beatrice have the most interesting friends.”

“Ah, Beatrice is probably the most interesting of us all,” Kit replies.

“Thank goodness,” Jerome says. “I don’t think I can handle anything more than that. I mean - I think Beatrice is great, obviously! Very charming! A good friend!”

“It’s okay, Jerome,” Jacques cuts across Jerome’s rambling, in his usual calm, steady, reassuring manner. “We understand. We all share the sentiment.”

Jerome is not part of VFD, but he’s an acquaintance to many of them, and friends with Beatrice and Jacques. Well, more than friends, in Jacques’s case. Kit likes Jerome just fine - he’s nice enough, but she can easily tell that he’s no volunteer material. He lacks the decisiveness and backbone to be one, and in general is just not made for the life the volunteers lead.

That said, one extremely important quality of jerome is that he’s rich - or rather, his family is rich, to be specific. She had once thought that’s what made Jacques approached him at first, only to learn that it was not the case. Jacques and Jerome first met when Jacques chivalrously offered Jerome a car ride during a heavy rainstorm, and Jerome’s family driver who was supposed to pick him up got stuck at the other side of The City. Jacques didn’t know, back then, the “Jerome” he’s talking to is the much lesser known second son of the Squalor family. He simply quite enjoyed the conversations they had on the taxi, the two of them finding common interests in music of the 17th century. By the end of the ride, Jerome generously invited Jacques to a classical concert, saying he’s got an extra ticket, and the friendship developed quickly from there.

Jerome’s family fortune and his own generosity quickly catches the eyes of VFD, leading to many people complimenting Jacques for befriending a potential donor, telling him he’s such a loyal and great volunteer. Jacques has always been quite displeased at those comments, as he genuinely actually likes Jerome for who he is, not his money. To which Beatrice replied that “don’t you want him part of our noble goal, don’t you want to give him a chance to contribute, if you like him so much? How romantic it is, to share the same goals and dream as someone!”

Beatrice is, and has always been, magical. When she says those words, her big brown eyes sincere and hopeful and dreamy, her tone half-in-awe, she can make almost everyone believe in the vision she paints. It’s one of her strengths, and she has inspired so many of the younger apprentices with her talks. That’s partly why, even though sometimes people complain about her lack of disregard for rules, they all value her greatly as a volunteer.

That said, Jacques has always belonged to the minority in VFD - the ever shrinking group of people that Beatrice’s magic has no effect on. Jacques, the model volunteer of VFD who does every mission perfectly, has always been against trying to persuade Jerome to do something he doesn’t want to. The higher ups, always with utmost trust for Jacques’s skills, simply believes Jacques is just playing the long game with Jerome, which has so far worked in Jacques’s favor. Jacques keeps Jerome pretty sheltered away from VFD, and mostly only brings Jerome to events like today’s where there will also be people outside of VFD attending (such as R’s family’s friends).

Personally, Kit thinks that since Jerome’s parents still control most of the Squalor family money, it isn’t such a high priority to get Jerome to donate more to VFD’s causes. So she doesn’t push Jacques to do what the others want, for the time being. Jacques has always been highly loyal, and spends most of his time on volunteer work, he should get to have some happiness, she thinks. No matter how long this current state will actually last.

“Well, I’m glad you’re having fun here,” she tells Jerome now, “oh, and you have to try the mini-cheesecake. It’s excellent - they have it over there. Better go get one now or else those disappear fast.”

He blinks, slightly bewildered, and nods. As he walks towards the mini-cheesecake, Kit turns to Jacques. “L’s here,” she says quietly.

“I know,” he replies, equally quiet. “It’s good to see him.” He pauses. “He gave me a triptych. Not directly, but through Larry without him knowing. Well, two triptychs - one is for you.”

Kit raises an eyebrow. Jacques discreetly slides something into a pocket on her dress - different one from the one Beatrice put the book into earlier.

Jacques’s lips twitch slightly. “By the way, don’t look at it here.”

Just then, Jerome is walking back, and with a quiet, “talk to you soon” at Kit, Jacques walks towards Jerome and guides him towards the bar.

Curiously, Kit wonders what’s inside the triptych. Just as she is wondering if it’s something so secretive that she really should not risk looking at it here, or if it just contains an embarrassing photo of Jacques, she hears someone say, “Snicket.”

[dg1010]

Community in Orchestra

“Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”(John 6:9) For those who don’t know, this verse comes from an infamous story in the bible where Jesus feeds 5000+ people with only five loaves and 2 fish. Being part of a Christian community for my whole life, I was able to learn so many things, especially when it comes to music. One thing that really stuck with me as I was growing up was the ability to learn and play the violin. With many other people, within my church and people from around the globe, my church was able to form an orchestra group called 5 Loaves & 2 Fish orchestra. Based on the bible verse John chapter 6 verse 9, we wanted to raise people who had an interest in musical instruments to help others in need. It’s been a while since we were to perform, due to Covid, but thinking back to those years really makes me miss my time as I was playing in those concerts. Someone made a video dedicated to us, and watching this video really makes me happy about how much we were able to help others.

To be honest, I think this blog is gonna be a little trip down memory lane and how my experiences made me who I am today. I was able to perform in 5 of the concerts shown here. My review for being part of these concerts can be described in four words: Okay performance, amazing experience. Let me explain.

Performances were ok while playing them in the concerts. Looking back, I think one thing we definitely could’ve done better is practice more. Although we met every Saturday to rehearse, individually, we definitely could have done more. The quote “Practice makes perfect” is definitely something to remember when comes to being part of an orchestra. For example, we played Canon rock and the performance was kind of…eh.

I still remember the time while playing this. I was in the 2nd violin section and I would always be a little behind cause it got fast for me at some parts; I would even skip some notes too if I had to. But so many of us would skip, that it ended up kind of sounding messy. I still remember talking about it with everyone when going backstage during intermission. We always made fun of each other for it. But we did have some good performances as well!. At our 9th concert, we had a singer, named Ahn Se Kwon: 2nd place in Korea’s got talent. I still remember when we played with him, I got goosebumps every time while listening to him. The video doesn't do it justice, but here it is. Start from 22:54 In my opinion, it was one of the best performances I’ve ever played in and it was an honor to play for such an amazing singer. So overall, our performances were ok, not bad. The one thing that I definitely miss is the experience

The experience of just gathering together and practicing, the thoughts in my head while playing, performing for many people, and many more will never leave my memories. I made many friends who I still talk to today and I’ve met amazing, talented people. I remember always complaining about going to rehearsals, but I realize now that I would do anything to rewind time to those moments of just struggling together to pour our hearts out through this music. It made me fall in love with all types of music and made me open to trying out new genres. I think performing in these concerts really showed me that music is more than just sounds and notes. It’s also about passion, heart, and experiences. Music does so much more than just entertain our ears. It brings together a community of people who can relate to each other, work together for a better cause, or just have fun. Overall, being part of the orchestra is probably one of the most precious memories that will be forever with me, because it shaped my view on music from entertainment to ears to a whole new world of creativity and community. If you want to watch a concert, here's a link you can watch. Thanks for reading

[evaofkonoha]

Like seemingly everything in my life, there's a story to this one. Feeling kind of strange, so maybe I'll delete this later. Unfortunately I'm also insanely impulsive, which is winning at the moment. This is a long one, and if no one ever reads this that's honestly okay. I think I just need to get it out there for my own reasons.

To start, this song was written and recorded as my final senior project at my arts high school, so this recording is old. I performed it and provided the guitar (and tambourine!) on the track. My friend did the drums, mixed, and produced it. Another person provided piano. Okay, all credits out of the way!

I don't think I have ever honestly shared what this song is about. I didn't feel comfortable sharing it at school, so I came up with some silly, vague answer for them to read off at the final showcase and put in the Senior CD.

It's actually about my best friend in high school and I growing apart after I had moved to the arts high school. She was probably one of the best friends I have ever had. We were tight as could be. We did everything together. We even created our own fake religion (much to our parent's chagrin, I'm from the south). We called each other "fave" and even had a handshake type thing we would do. A rumor even spread that we were dating, we were that close (we thought it was hilarious, it was also not true). There were countless inside jokes. We traveled, went to any and all concerts we could afford, hung out all the time way past curfew, had sleepovers, went thrifting and vinyl hunting, almost anything and everything together.

So when I switched schools and we began to grow apart, it broke my heart. There wasn't a big blowout, no massive event. We just, grew apart. Admittedly, there was drama brewing for a while in the friend group around us (which is also sad, as I lost many close friends because of that drama as well) that I think influenced it as well.

I was doing some not-so-spring cleaning today with some stuff I picked up from my mom's house, which had a bunch of papers and notebooks and yearbooks from high school. In the box was a file folder labeled "Top Secret." There is actually nothing scandalous the file, it was just a bunch of stuff we had created and notes from when we were friends. I found a letter that this friend had written for me, and because I am so emotional, I of course cried reading it.

"Anyway, I hope you realize how talented you are. I know we tend to bash ourselves (it's our weird sarcastic behavior) but honestly speaking you have such an inspiring passion for music. Maybe this is crazy thinking, but I just know you will be successful in your music; you are so talented when you perform and the songs you write give me chills."

"I swear we have the same minds; it's so great to have someone to talk about annoying people, the government, school, relationships, music and tea :)"

God, there's more, and it all hits like a fucking truck.

So, that's what this song is actually about. Reading this made me go down memory lane, looking through old pictures with so much teenage dirtbag energy from that time (I wish I could share, but it's obvious why I'm not going to). We got up to all kinds of mischief, but it was so much fun. And it was authentic. Having someone who you can truly be yourself with and spill any and all secrets to is hard to come by.

We very occasionally chat. I actually only reached back out to her recently. We didn't communicate through all of college. Our friendship will never be the same as it was, but it's nice to not be radio silent. We have both moved on and met new people and all of that. I now live so far away from where I grew up anyway. And that's all okay because that's just life!

So, sorry if this is all oversharing, but I do really love this song. It's probably one of my best, if not my best. I wrote in during a meltdown in the shower all in one go, so a true moment of inspiration. Right now, it doesn't feel right to share it and not share the story, since sharing silly stories of my life seems to be what I do on here now I guess.

Again, I obviously can't share all of the photos and stuff that this song stirs up, except for the one I put as the song cover. I usually don't give away feet pics for free ;), but since these are socked feet in socks that we got as a symbol of our friendship (lol, yikes, haha!), I'll make an exception this once. We weren't totally bad kids I promise! Well...

ily, eva <3

[slytherinshua]

Sorry I meant to reply to your last message (I have a terrible habit of being social and then go radio silent for like a week after ahaha). I listened to a few of Hyunsang's songs and oh my goodness, genuinely is he ok?? They were really good and I loved them, but all the ones I heard were so sad?? Does he need a hug?? Who do I have to beat up?

Your post about people is so true though, it's honestly so hard to make friendships (or even just be nice to some people tbh). Sometimes you just don't vibe with a person, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I mean irl, there is someone in my friend group who I just don't vibe with at all, but all of my friends really like him and enjoy hanging out w him. It is quite hard sometimes to be friendly ahaha (it does make me feel like a horrible person tbh, but what can you do? But I think the whole thing of how he got into our friend group is a bit strange. Without context it sounds bad, but I promise it is genuinely kinda weird lol). But definitely if you ever find that our convo is too dry or weird, don't hesitate to tell me!! I think sometimes you have to prioritise your comfort and if the other person is willing to change, then that's probably a good sign!

I hope you are doing well! (I watched another clip from a Lucy concert and got jealous of you again 😡)

lol don’t worry at all!! LMAO STOP IJBOL 😭😭😭 it’s so true whenever i listen to hyunsang im like WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS BOY?? imagine debuting with an ep titled “my poor lonely heart” AND EXPECTING PPL TO THINK UR FINE DIDJKS 😭😭 and if you watch any live performances or his covers HIS EYES LOOK SO SAD WHILE HE SINGS LIKE HE COULD CRY AT ANY MOMENT ��️☹️☹️ so literally when he smiles I melt so much cause I’m not used to it anyway he’s so cute and I love him and his emo music and pretty voice 🥹🥹

yeah I feel it a lot lately cause I always want to be nice to everyone especially if they talk to me on my blog but if we don’t click after a bit of talking I feel awkward 😭😭😭 and they’ll keep messaging me and then idk what to do cause the conversations are literally like “hi hru” “I’m good wbu” AND THATS IT 💀💀💀 damn that must suck I’m sorry that’s a thing 😭😭 it’s even harder when it’s a friend group situation cause you can’t just stop talking to one person if they still have connections to all your other friends and you also can’t bring it up with your other friends cause they won’t see the problem :( but don’t worry our convos have been anything but dry since you first sent me an ask 🥹🥹 I love talking abt lucy or anything else with you I could do it all day lmao

I’m doing pretty good!! I have my first piano lesson in like 2 days.. I’m really nervous for it because it’s my first one in over a year since I took a break and it’s with a new teacher. I had lessons with her for a bit in 2020 but they were mostly over zoom because of covid. these ones are in person and I haven’t had in person lessons since 2019 🧍‍♀️ I also haven’t practiced piano since last year when I was taking lessons and even then I feel like I didn’t practice at all between lessons cause I was losing motivation.. so realistically I probably haven’t practiced properly and consistently for 2 years fml 😭😭 but hopefully everything will go well. I’m hoping I’ll like this teacher again I don’t really remember having an opinion on her when I had her 4 years ago, but I remember switching back to my old piano teacher who had moved to England since I was doing online lessons anyway. I’ve had her for around 6 years total so I’m very comfortable with her she’s basically made me the pianist I am today lol. but I think in person lessons would be beneficial which is why I’m trying this out instead.

I have nothing to help you about the jealousy but I did get the group photo back recently (kinda sad they didn’t give us 2 cause we did take 2 and I was so nervous when the first pic was taken that I didn’t have a pose and sangyeop was telling me that he was gonna do a flower pose and I didn’t know wtf a flower pose was until a day later when it clicked in my head LKSJSKS) but I am the one w the pink heart and yes I was RIGHT next to sangyeop and wonsang aka my bias and wrecker skdjsksk how did I survive

[fenimores-book-nook]

Day 13 of self care writing :)

December 11th, 2023, Monday 6:27 pm In my living room under a cozy blanket :)

Good evening, but not too late this time! Also, it's crazy to me that soon I won't be putting "2023" on these posts anymore. It's gonna be 2024 in like three weeks...that's insane. Being in December already makes it feel like this year has gone by really fast but looking back, I think I felt the opposite. It did feel crazy that I graduated from high school when I did in May and yeah, it felt super quick, but I think in those moments, I didn't feel that way. I guess it's just the weird way that time feels.

Christmas tree in my church's lobby area that I just really liked the vibe of with the sun pouring inside. :)

This past weekend has been pretty good, I think. Apart from kinda ahckjjds feelings, I think it was good. Today was a pretty good day too! It was my relaxing Monday but I wanted to be productive too. So I did some things around the house and finished up some Christmas gifts for friends! I'm big on homemade gifts, so for my close friend group, we're doing secret santa but I wanted to give a lil' something to all of them anyways, so I made these silly little hearts for them all.

Plus one for myself 'cause who wouldn't want a matching stuffed heart with a silly face on it with your friends? And for my secret santa, I have almost all the things I need for them, I'm planning on getting two more little things at my work tomorrow and then we'll be good! We're getting together this weekend and I'm very excited! I always love hanging out with my friendos. Some days it's literally all I need to be around them, and my mood goes from one to ten. <3

Staying on the topic of friends, I just performed in a community choir with some of them! Our concert was last night and I'm not going to lie, I was wanting to get it over and done with but I actually really did love being in it. It 100% helped that some of my old high school friends did it with me, including my close friends. Just look how snazzy we looked:

It was a lot of fun! :) There were for sure some parts during the practices where I really just wanted to go home; it's a community choir with a lot of people not in my age group and I think it was just harder to connect with people like I did in my high school choir. But I am glad that I got to do it with my friends and my old choir teacher AND my old band teacher. It was sort of a reunion!

And now, just because I have a need that I have to talk about books in every single post...I'm going strong in Iron Flame!! I think I finally got past the draggy beginning parts and I have, maybe 100-150ish pages to go? So, super close! (maybe I'm farther than that but oh well) It's crazy and amazing. Along with that, I've been re-reading the Heartstopper series because one: they're a comfort series for me and I love them with all my heart, and two: the fifth book is coming out soon and I thought it was a good time to have the past books events fresh in my mind! I've pre-ordered the fifth book and it says it should be delivering to me the day before I leave for Canada to visit family. Let's just hope it's right because I NEED TO READ THAT BOOK. And it would be awful if it got delivered and it just sat outside my house just waiting for me to come and open those new book smelling pages for a week. So, anyways. Love that series.

~ Self care writingsssss ~

(questions found on pinterest, of course)

What inspired me today? The fact that my friend group and I are meeting at the end of the week for our Christmas hang out and I still need to get gifts together, so I did some creating! Also, me wanting to be more *CreATivE* so I just went for it. (wrapping gifts is actually quite fun but I am not the best at it) (I also feel like I am not a creative enough person when in reality I am a very creative person and I just need to remember that)

Where am I putting my energy? I feel like this is kind of a hard question to answer simply because I'm not sure. I think maybe I could be putting more of my energy into some things but that's not the question. A lot of my energy goes towards my love for books, I think. And trying to think of ways to create art that I love and that I enjoy doing. Also, to my friends too, I think sometimes I focus too much of my energy on that, though, and it becomes something not good for me. But hey, it's something I'm working on and that's what matters!

Three highlights of my day. One, finishing up the last of my friends' gifts! At least, for this weekend. ;) Two, putting my own lil' silly stuffed heart I made as a tree topper for my baby Christmas tree. It looks so freaking cute. :3 Three, texting one of my besties that I missed her and we just chatted for a bit. <3

Someone I'm grateful for. My kitty cat, Delilah. :)) She can be a bit of a turd sometimes, like today how she knocked down one of my books on display and I couldn't get it back to how it was. But it's okayyyy. I love her and she always sits with me and gives me comfort. <3

One thing I did today that I'm proud of. Creating. I lack motivation for creating art a lot but I think maybe it's partly because I'm afraid that what I make, no one else will appreciate it like I do. But that doesn't really matter, does it? It's how I feel when I make it. So, I did some of that unique type of creating that I do today and I loved it. :)

This is an accurate representation of how happy I feel when I look at my books. :))))

Until next time lovely,

Thalia <3

[kurorinde]

The Moonrise Chronicles | No. 12 | ??? title not found

Dear Friends,

Long time, no update aaa!!! This is just going to be my thoughts as I think of them, so apologies for skipping around.

I’ve just been very sensitive lately. I feel like I’ve been floating away, in and out of existence. Songs I love bring me to tears, and I’ve been shutting down at first sign of conflict too easily. But I’ve also felt so much... apathy?  Cynicism? 

I’ve also been missing certain friends a lot recently. I keep finding them in our mutual friends and strangers. I wish I could just talk to them again. Especially now that I’ve been leaning into being more authentic with how I act. I just want to tell him all the chismis over lunch by the beach. Or tell him about all of the stories and songs I’ve been writing and maybe, just maybe, finally record a song with him. I was annoyingly giddy when he messaged me back a few weeks ago. Ugh. In another universe, it could’ve been us. I just really hope he’s okay out there, wherever he is.

I cried at work because there are some kids who are so genuinely themselves. I wish I had that. I feel like, ever since December, I’ve been purposefully acting upon my hermit tendencies, waiting for my friends to pull me out. Yes, I’m the problem. I’ve just compared myself to my friends so much, i feel like an impostor. I shrunk myself down and got too comfortable in my self-destruction. A pity party for every outing I didn’t go to. 

At the start of writing this, I was super bummed that I’m probably not going to the BTR concert because I waited to get tix. Earlier today, I was bummed because I got govball tix too early (today was the last day of a really good sale :’))) and idk I feel like I’ve been very irresponsible lately. Maybe this is the wake up (& it’s over) call I need.

hmmm, okay, I need to get the negative stuff out of the way:

I feel like I’m not going to get married in the time I want to. I don’t think I’ve every said it in a serious way, but I really do want to get married and raise kids. I feel like I’m falling behind.

I’m scared to find out who my fake friends are. I know that I’m fake and I own it, but I was so desperate to change myself just to keep friends. I’m the problem. I don’t belong.

I just want to give love and have it reciprocated all in a healthy way. Sometimes, I feel actually delusional, then I feel even more delusional for thinking I’m delusional.

The smallest things have been setting me off. I’m either napping because I’m exhausted or I sleep early so I don’t overthink the problems I created.

I! Spend! Too! Much!!!!!!

I’m back in school.

I’m so mean to myself.

And many more!!

Okay, I think that’s all. If I think of anything else... I hope I don’t think of anything else.

This past spring semester, although chaotic in its own ways, was fun. A big contrast to the lows and highs of my first go-around. I got straight A’s for the first time! Too bad I wasn’t a full-time student, then I for sure could’ve made Dean’s List. But it’s okay. I’m going to graduate in 2025, my hat will have lovejoy + jono lyrics, and all of my best peoples will be there. 

After a good conversation with my teammates, I tried being more “myself” at s group function. It was a small group of us, but a good group. We played uno and mafia, and my “bit” was being the slightly unhinged bestie from Clown Town. One friend asked me if I was genuinely okay and I explained that I was trying to go back to my more outgoing persona. We joked about how if my friends laugh at my jokes, I will take it and run. But she liked the bit and didn’t think I took it too far. It was pretty good lol

BESTIES COME HOME TOMORROW!!!! But other bestie is going on vacation ):)

There are some moments at work where I felt that all-too-familiar drowning feeling. But most of the time, it turns around by the end. I still wish I could be better, and I’m working on it.

// I think the hot water that I’ve been drinking has some coffee bits so uhhhh yeah lol (it’s 11:48 pm rn).

My heart has little palpitations whenever I think of seeing lovejoy live. Also when I hear a song that reminds me of Cali 2019. Truly the last time I was so happy (jkjk)

On the flip side, I get the bad palpitations when I think about school or work outside of school or work hours. I’ve been trying to recognize it then immediately go back to being in the present. Like I did just now.

I have so many ideas and drafts and one I just thought of: the ideal day in my life, but it’s split into:

ideal current time 

realistic current time

ideal future

realistic future

I hope there’s overlap, but that’s something I’dd have to decide. I should really sleep soon lol

Hmmmmmm... I want to leave on a good note.

I love Minecraft. I miss my friends deeply. Life it a balancing act but at least you’re not balancing eggs on a spoon while walking a tightrope? Or maybe you are because that’s what you want to do. I’m literally the most annoying main character but it’s not the worst superlative to have. I think I’m going to try to get good at sports and hone in on my music/art crafts (I wrote carts???) so I can be the Coolest Person I know. I’m going to be the tall, wholesome jock with feelings. Yeah, that.

This summer will be good.

Current song playing: Let’s Get Lost - Carly Rae Jepsen

Love, Robin

START | < Previous | Next >

[pybgarbs-blog]

01-15-23: Nostalgic

It was a Sunday. It’s a special day today because this is my ever-loving dog, Akira’s birthday, one year since her birth. Staring at her as she stares me today took me back the time when she was a puppy last year. She was unique because of her snowflake fur and her discolored yellow spot both in her ears. I named her Akira, not because I named the puppies alphabetically, so she was the first, but because she exudes that Japanese beauty out of her four siblings. I wish I could fix my old phone because I have baby photos even videos of her from the time she was drinking the bottled milk. I feel sad for her and her siblings surviving along as their mother passed away due to poison. But I feel relieved that for the months I spend with them, I became a mother dog to them. Even though I lost one, Duke, I did something extraordinary despite not knowing to be a mother dog. I left in the morning to church just to arrange and prepare 18 children choir members, not perfectly complete but many. I’m relieved that there still more choir members to come. After visiting the two locales, I arrive at the same time my sisters arrive too. And that got me thinking about cooking, so for the first time, I felt motivated so I decided to do some spicy chicken wings with sauce. I was so proud making a dish, sharing to my mentor and awesome friend of mine, Maxine of just making her feel proud that she inspired me to cook. Then again, it was a little bit lack of sauce given the supply but my mother wanted another one. At late noon, my sister, Princess awaken me to accompany her to the district locale for the meeting of those who are incoming for baptism. My sister is one of them. When I left her at church, I decided to go down memory lane, I return to my old school, Santa Maria, which give back so many happy and adventurous memories when I was in elementary as well as our old space, that was used for our security agency business across the school, which reminds me of how I was so joyful and innocent when I was a carefree kid. We would play badminton down the road, and just my father sitting at the red stool outside enjoying the breeze air from the seaside. It was a peaceful time that we got started to live in the city and despite ended up in a much dense space because of the members inside the family, we were living life. I took some pictures and saw the changes of the appearance of the Secret Garden, that was once alive when students would go there to take lunches with their families and my Tutor Place, where we would use the table for pingpong. It was nostalgic to see those locations you have been as a child and looking back, I saw myself just being me - happy. So after the meeting, my sister and I had a dinner date at Mang Inasal talking about how I live through my high school years. Looking at her, I saw myself at her age. I would share to her everything I have been happy the most. The sunsets, the grass fields, the commutes and the first friends I’ve been with. I would give her advice to just enjoy of not knowing everyone because at her age, it is still valid. She is learning what is school like comparing to myself who is learning what is life now. All she has to worry is how she could comply requirements not like me wo has to worry the future I’m shaping for myself especially when I already failed one subject. Now, my great buddy, my classmate since high school, Gino, is sharing how happy he was that his test paper got rechecked and passed Structural Theory. Then again, my friend, Ronnie would be preparing to leave us to migrate to New York in the next month. Its just that everything is happening to them is both a blessing and a chance while I look at myself in the mirror thinking when will be the time that I could feel that way. I saw how ecstatic  Gino when he knew he would not retake the subject and celebrate his winnings especially when he and also our buddy, Kevin just went to Manila to attend the K-Pop group concert and had a selfie with a well-known rapper. I feel how relief Ronnie was when his plans moving outside the country is finally happening. Its just everything is changing, for my friends, it for the better while I’m here, stuck. Maybe this is part of life, maybe there will be time for me to shine but maybe for now, I’ll just be quiet. Right now, I just don’t what to do and feel as an irregular student. I just wish I passed so that the process of enrollment would be normal but then again its not. I feel ashamed, can’t even look at the mirror but then again I feel relieved that even though this is worst, my bond with my sister today made me the best. Now, I’m spending my time with Akira, just celebrating silently with her. I still feel loved by my sister and my dog despite I’m not loving myself. 

[the-kipsabian]

you know what made a big difference in my day today

putting some pictures i took at the nsp show as my phone lock screen and backgrounds 

[watchmegetobsessed]

A STEP FURTHER

Sequel to SIT ON ME

a/n: as per requested, here is a part two to my recent sebastian fic! hope you guys will like it as much as you did the previous part! also, there’s not gonna be any more parts!

pairing: Sebastian Stan X Assistant!Reader

word count: 3k

masterlist

You were expecting it. You knew how the internet and most importantly, Sebastian’s fans work. Just hours after the event, dozens of videos got out of Sebastian saying that he wanted you to sit on him if he was a chair, an answer to a highly inappropriate question that shouldn’t have been asked in the first place, but your crazy ass boss thought otherwise.

It washed over the whole fandom and soon enough everyone was talking about the two of you. And because part of your job is to be up to date about Sebastian’s media presence, you had to face not just him but yourself all over the internet. Fans started to dig up every tiny interaction between the two of you caught on camera, they posted photo montages of you and him just out and about or going from one meeting to the other. They started to look for signs that you’re dating and half of the fandom became convinced that you’re in a secret relationship. Speculations and rumors spread faster than wildfire and there was no way to stop it, you just had to live with it.

In the meanwhile, Sebastian didn’t seem to be bothered by it at all. It’s like he didn’t even acknowledge the fuss about the two of you, like it was all so natural and normal to be seen as a couple by the whole world when you were just his employee.

“What? It’s not like I ever addressed anything about my dating life,” he shrugged one day when you asked him why he is not caring about the situation at all. And that was pretty much it.

The fans wouldn’t have been that big of a deal to you either. They are strangers, they always get fixated on something and soon enough you knew something new would come up and make them forget about your existence. The people close to you on the other hand are a whole different side of the story.

Following the event, Mackie wouldn’t shut up about Sebastian being hopelessly in love with you and he would nag you to go on a date already, getting on your nerves even more than he usually does with his nosiness. You love the man, you really do, but he needs to learn how to stay in his own lane.

And then, slowly but surely every friend you and Sebastian shared caught up on the story and they started asking you about it again and again and you had to tell them the same thing every damn time: you and Sebastian were working together, no romance was involved between the two of you.

No one believed you.

Now it’s been weeks and people still go crazy whenever you and Seb step out together, which happens quite often since he’s been having a busy month work-wise. Paparazzi are always following you around, catching every moment you spend out in the public, putting you on the tabloids nonstop. It’s become your usual.

Another day, another event. The day starts early for you before you pick Sebastian up and heading out to have breakfast before you are supposed to show up at the concert hall that’s going to be the venue of today’s interview and Q&A.

“Mackie has been blowing my phone up all morning,” you grumble upon seeing another text from said man before you just turn your phone screen facing down so you can finish your toast in peace.

“What does he want?” Sebastian hums.

“He is asking if I’m coming today, as if I missed any events these past weeks,” you huff shaking your head.

“He has been acting weird,” Sebastian grimaces, reaching for his coffee. “Weirder than his usual,” he adds.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, he just asks weird stuff,” he shrugs, not paying much attention to it and you decide to do the same.

Not much later, you’re finished with your food, only sipping on your coffee when you spot a group of girls near your table, their phones pointing in your direction and you have to stop yourself from growling, turning a little so you’re not facing the phones entirely. Sebastian notices your discomfort and looking around he spots the girls as well before turning back to face you. He doesn’t say a word, just gets up from his seat and strides over to the group as you watch him with wide eyes.

“Hi girls, can I ask you to delete the pictures you took, please? I’m happy to take selfies with you, just please don’t post the ones of us eating, okay?” you hear him ask them, leaving you completely speechless. Luckily, the girls are happy to obligate and he quickly poses for pictures with all of them before joining you back at the table.

“Why did you do that?” you ask him, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“You clearly didn’t like that they took pictures of us and I know you don’t like how we are being talked about recently, so I thought I would… try to help about that a little,” he shrugs, finishing the rest of his coffee.

“I just don’t like that everyone is in our business,” you sigh, folding your arms on your chest as you lean back in your seat.

“So we have business? Together?” he asks, raising his eyebrows at you over the table.

“That’s not how I… We talked about this, Seb,” you breathe out, your shoulders falling forward.

“Ages ago. Things might have changed since then,” he suggests shrugging his shoulder.

“I still work for you,” you point it out. “Things are better this way.”

“Sure, whatever you say,” he mumbles, clearly hurt by your words, but there’s not much you can do against it. “Let’s go, I don’t want Mackie to be up in my ass for being late,” he sighs, leaving the money on the table that most likely covers both your meals and a fat tip as well.

The car ride to the venue is silent, but not in the comfortable way it sometimes is. It’s awkward and you keep glancing at him, trying to find the right words but you’re not even sure what you want to tell him.

I’m sorry we work together so we can’t date? I’m sorry I keep rejecting you? I’m sorry I’m afraid if we go any further than this it will ruin our friendship?

You have absolutely no idea how to deal with it, so you just stay silent, right until you arrive to the venue. Before Seb could get out of the car you speak up.

“Are you mad at me now?” you ask, biting into your bottom lip.

“I’m not mad, Y/N. I don’t think I could ever be mad at you,” he truthfully answers, his eyes only falling on you after he has spoken.

“But there’s something, I can tell.”

“I’m just a little frustrated, is all.”

“Because of what people say about us?” you make a guess.

“Because there’s this unsaid situation between us and you just don’t let me address it. You don’t want to talk about it and whenever it’s brought up, you just shut the door right at my face,” he explains and with each spoken word, you feel worse and worse.

“It’s a complicated situation,” you breathe out.

“It’s not,” he retorts. “Do you not like me?”

“Of course I like you!”

“Okay, I like you too so why can’t we be more than just friends?”

“Because we are not just friends. I’m working for you, it’s a different situation!”

“Y/N, this is not an office job, there’s no HR, no policies, we can do whatever we want!” he chuckles bitterly as you keep your eyes down. You don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s not just because of work, but because you’re terribly afraid of being a disappointment to him if you eventually give it a try.

Your silence doesn’t amuses Sebastian and you don’t have time to rave any longer about the situation.

“Forget it, sorry I brought it up again. Let’s just… get over with this thing,” he mumbles before getting out of the car.

You move around each other like strangers, he is clearly avoiding to even look at you and you’re feeling guilty even though you don’t think you have a reason to. Still, you hate seeing him this upset, especially when it’s because of you.

The change in your act is not that evident, but Mackie immediately notices it. When you walk past him he grabs your wrist and pulls you aside.

“What the hell is going on?” he asks with wide, curious eyes.

“What are you talking about?” you retort, acting innocent, but there’s a reason why you didn’t become an actress, you suck at even lying.

“You and Seb are acting like a divorcing couple!” he whisper-yells. Pursing your lip you start chewing on the inside of your cheek as you nervously tap your foot on the ground.

“We just… had a little disagreement.”

“About what?”

“Us,” you breathe out, your head hanging low.

“Wait, so there is an ‘us’?” he asks, air-quoting the last word and you roll your eyes at him.

“No, that’s what the disagreement was about. He wants and I…”

“Don’t tell me you don’t, because I know that’s bullshit. Y/N, I see the way you look at that man, why are you making it so hard for the both of you?”

“It’s just—It might ruin everything and I can’t afford that right now.”

“Ruin everything?!” he grimaces. “What would it ruin?”

“I said fucking everything!” you snap at him, losing your patience that you’re the only one who has issues with the situation. “Our friendship, my job, everything! And I don’t want that. I can’t have that.”

“Dating someone wouldn’t ruin the friendship, Y/N. This is not middle school. Friendship is part of being with someone and you two have that. Just let it take a step further.”

“Thanks for the advice, but I’m good. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have stuff to do,” you mumble under your breath before walking away from him before he could get another word out.

It’s not that you don’t want it, because you do, you really do. You’ve been in love with the man for a long time and knowing that he has feelings for you too makes you have a heart attack every time you think about it. But you are so afraid it might go south and then you’ll end up losing your job and one of your closest friends as well. Because above everything Sebastian grew to be your biggest confidant, the person you turn to whenever you are feeling down, when you need a shoulder to cry on, you can’t imagine your life without him anymore and it’s not just about the times when you’re working. Traveling around the world with him is a blessing, you love the little moments you share, the late night movie nights in hotel rooms or when you’re exploring a new city together. You love messing around in his trailer when he is filming, making silly videos on sets or playing around with props you shouldn’t even touch. You can share anything with him and vice versa. If you lose him for whatever reason, you would be left with a hole in your life that would just simply never disappear, because no one will ever be like him and that’s a fact. You’re terribly afraid to risk everything for something that might not even work. You might be a horrible item, romance can bring out things of people that haven’t shown before.

The guys finally get on stage and you watch them from the side as always. It goes as usual, they are joking around, making a show, entertaining the audience as they go over the interview before the question round starts. You don’t realize it at first, but you’re holding your breath as one question follows the other, you’re scared someone might ask Sebastian about you and the shit show would blow up again. You can only hope his answer wouldn’t be as stupid as it was before. But luckily, the audience keeps you out of their business, only focusing on what’s important, so you start to feel relieved. Right until the whole event is nearing its end and Mackie decides to take matters into his own hands.

“I think we have time for one more question,” the interviewer announces and dozens of hands shoot up into the air, desperate to get the chance to ask the men on stage, but before anyone could get the mic, Mackie speaks up.

“Actually, can I have that last question?” he chimes in holding up a finger.

“Uh, sure, go ahead!” the interviewer responds, clearly a little puzzled about his request. Mackie then turns to face Sebastian who is sitting on his right and just by the look on his face you already know what it’s gonna be about.

“Sebastian, my question is: What do you love most about Y/N?”

He can barely finish the question, the crowd erupts in cheers and whistles that he had the guts to ask him about you, but you’re feeling different about his ballsy move.

“Mackie! No!” you shout from the side, both men looking your way. Mackie tries to look innocent while Sebastian’s face is unreadable, his piercing blue eyes are just staring right back at you and you wish you could read his mind.

“Alright, I take back the ques—“ Mackie starts in a mumble, but Sebastian is quick to cut him off.

“Nah, I’ll answer,” he simply says, another round of cheering filling the place and you accept defeat.

Squatting down you hug your knees to your chest as you listen to the inevitable answer Sebastian is about to give.

“What I love the most about Y/N is that she is genuinely the best person anyone could ever have in their life. She is so selfless and caring towards others, always got her friends’ back no matter what. I love that we aren’t just simply working together but we are friends too, really good ones and that I know nothing can change that.”

Listening to his soothing voice through the speakers, you feel your throat closing up, especially at the last part he just said. Chewing on your bottom lip you tilt your head to the side as he continues.

“Literally anything can happen, we could have the worst fight ever and I still know that we would make up no matter what. She is… just an amazing and exceptional person.”

There’s a heavy moment of silence and you’re staring at him from afar with teary eyes as his eyes are glued to his hands in his lap.

“Damn,” Mackie breathes out, making everyone laugh and Sebastian’s gaze rises to him with a small smile on his lips.

There’s no time to dwell on his answer, the event needs to end. The interviewer thanks for their time and as the crowd cheers to them they head off the stage, waving at them until they disappear.

You’ve moved to the corner of the room, not wanting to be in the way, but you’re still not over the speech Sebastian just gave about you. As he appears from the stage his eyes are clearly scanning the room, searching for someone and when he finally spots you, his face hardens as he heads in your way. You’re standing with your hand covering your lips, eyes still slightly watered and seeing you like this he knots his eyebrows together in worry.

“Hey, what’s—“

“Did you mean that?” you breathe out, your voice trembling. “Did you mean it that nothing can change that?”

“Of course,” he nods, finally seeing what this is all about. “We’ve always found our way back to each other, haven’t we?”

“But dating is so much different than what we do now!” you breathe out, still not entirely sure it’s what you should do.

“Why would it be?” he chuckles softly. “We are already spending the majority of our time together, we know each other better than some couples, it wouldn’t be that big of a change, Y/N. And just like how it could ruin things between us, not taking the step could do the same, because sooner or later it’s gonna be unbearable, one of us might end up dating someone else and that wouldn’t do good to us for sure. I would rather accept the end of it knowing that we gave us a try than not even trying.”

“What if I turn out to be a completely shitty girlfriend?” you ask in a whisper as he steps closer, his hands finding your wrists as he pulls them away from your face, holding them gently. “W-What if I—“

“Shut up,” he cuts you off chuckling. “There’s no chance you are shitty at anything,” he replies teasingly, making you smile the slightest. “But even if you do end up being one, we’ll work on it together.”

His hands guide your hands around his waist, you hold onto his shirt as he cups your face in his hands, his face inching closer until his nose is brushing against yours.

“I really hope you’re right,” you breathe out, giving up to resist it any longer. There’s no use.

“Was I ever not right?” he asks smugly.

“Oh remember when—“

You don’t get to finish, because he silences you the best way possible, his lips smashing onto yours. It’s been long due and it doesn’t disappoint, his lips feel soft and perfect against yours, you can’t help but let out a pleased hum as your hands slide up his toned chest and your arms curl around his neck while his hands find your waist strong arms circling your waist as he pulls you tight against him.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” Mackie’s voice breaks the moment and as you both pull back and turn in his direction, you see him pump his fist into the air with a victorious smirk on his face.

“Mind your own business, Mackie!” Seb calls out to him as you bury your face in the crook of his neck giggling like a little school girl.

“It’s my business! I made it happen!” Mackie retorts and a laugh rumbles through Seb’s chest.

“I’ll send you a thank you gift card later!” he shouts back before turning to you again, kissing the side of your head.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

[ericspinkhair]

dirty thoughts from a distance

pairing: dom!changmin x virgin!reader, best friends to lovers, college au!

synopsis: you masturbate while thinking of your best friend and he catches you moan out his name

word count: 3.8k

warnings: maybe slight angst, (getting caught) masturbating, mutual masturbation, sex in general ig

a/n: y'all are crazyy! it has barely been 19 days and I have already hit 100 followers🤧 thank you guys so much for your support and sending in requests!!! everytime I see leave me nice messages I feel so encouraged to keep on writing even though there is still a lot of room to improve and I am not always completely satisfied with what I create. I wish all of you a great day and hope that you stay happy and healthy!!

this chapter is especially dedicated to @bangcrispychannie​ and anon who requested this kind of scenario ❤️

masterlist + requests

for three years you wondered why you hadn't lost your virginity yet. it's not like you didn't have enough opportunities since you had been in two relationships so far, both lasted about five to seven months.

the feelings in your first relationship were been mostly one-sided however.

when a guy in your biology class named Minho confessed his crush for you, you thought that the only logical next step was to become a couple. you were quite flattered that he had taken such an interest in you and believed and hoped you would eventually develop feelings for him as well. the problem was you didn't. after not being able to be emotionally let alone physically intimate with him for a few months into your relationship, he finally confronted you and you confessed that you just couldn't bring yourself to see him that way. your relationship came to an end just before becoming a senior in high school.

in your last year, you got close with Seonghwa. you were seat neighbors in your english class and you'd chat all the time. he was perfectly sweet, smart and funny and you instantly got along just fine. you developed an interest in him and he seemed to feel the same way. he asked you out with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and some chocolate and you agreed to being his girlfriend without much thought. you caught yourself falling in love with this boy and didn't shy away from physical affection such as kissing and holding hands. you were convinced you were ready to give yourself to him during prom night but when it came to it you chickened out. a couple of hours before, you had found out that your best friend changmin had broken up with his girlfriend of six months.

for a long time you hadn't been able to decipher why you hadn't slept with Seonghwa then. as time passed, the unpleasant answer became clearer and clearer: you had brought up your hopes.

you had been best friends with changmin basically since you started elementary school. on the first day, he scared you with a stupid horror mask he had sneaked in from home and made you cry. he felt so guilty and was determined to make it up to you and to become friends. you had been inseparable ever since.

when he got his first girlfriend in junior year you were devastated. you convinced yourself that the reason for that was that you had been scared he was going to replace you as his best friend but in reality you had felt jealousy.

you were suppressing your feelings because if you confessed, things might become awkward. there was no way changmin could ever like you the same way.

all of this became more difficult as you moved in together for college. you were sharing an apartment now and every day, it became harder to avoid your growing and troublesome feelings. your heart would beat faster whenever he walked around shirtless (which was most of the time) and you decided to try to ignore him. this was especially difficult since you wanted to appreciate his physique. when had he become this handsome? changmin had been dancing all his life so he had always been fit but now that he was majoring in it and training most of the time, his body had developed and he had become super toned and his abs were more prominent.

he'd often make his way into your dreams and you'd let him do inappropriate things with you. you'd wake up wet and needy and even more confused. you were ashamed of seeing him this way. this was not how one normally thought about their best friend.

it was a wednesday morning and you were eating breakfast when changmin joined you in the kitchen. he flashed you a big smile, making his pretty dimples appear which you didn't see as you did not look at him.

'good morning, y/n!' he greeted you in a good mood. you just grunted in response, intensely staring at the cereal swimming in your bowl.

the fact that you couldn't even spare him a glance hurt changmin but he tried to not let it show. he wanted to get you to talk to him.

'do you want to watch a movie and play some board games today after class?' he proposed. you hadn't spent a lot of time together ever since you had become aware of your feelings.

'I have an essay due tomorrow,' you quickly made up as an excuse. the corners of changmin's mouth twitched but you didn't notice as you were too preoccupied with doing anything that didn't include looking at him.

'then maybe on the weekend. or next-' 'I'll be busy,' you interjected. 'I have lots to do.' you stressed the lots to emphasize there was absolutely no way you would be able to hang out with him any time soon.

'umm… okay. I'll be going to class.' he told you dejected. your heart sank but you didn't respond. he was wondering whether he had done anything to make you upset but he couldn't wrap his mind around it. this had been going on for a while and he was starting to become desperate.

when you first got the apartment you spent every free minute of the day together, happy that you finally moved out and could be with each other 24/7, but then you stopped talking to him completely out of nowhere. from one day to the other, you would avoid leaving your room when he was outside and barely talked to him anymore. at first, changmin thought you were just stressed and that you'd eventually warm up again when exam season came to an end but a few months had passed and, if anything, the situation was even worse than before.

you were watching the time and after ten minutes you decided to leave for classes as well. you had started doing this so you couldn't possibly catch up to him and risk having a conversation.

'hey, y/n, what's up!' your friend chanhee hugged you when you arrived on campus. you were both majoring in fashion design and were getting along on well since the beginning of the first semester.

you sighed exasperatedly. 'changmin's up.' you puffed your cheeks and pouted. chanhee nodded knowingly. he was the only person who was aware of your little secret and that was only because you had accidentally drunk confessed the whole story to him at your first college party.

'you know maybe you should tell him. this whole thing is clearly not making you happy and I saw changmin walk by a few minutes ago. if I had to guess I'd say he was in an even worse mood than you. someone accidentally ran into him and he pushed them hard and called them names. it's not like him to overreact like this. he's usually super collected. I think you finally managed to break his spirit,' chanhee reported to you.

this had never been what you intended. why did everything have to be so difficult? you didn't want to be the cause of your best friend's unhappiness.

'he must feel like I despise him. but I cannot confess to him, that would be the end of our friendship!' you were constantly torn apart by this dilemma.

'well, if you're not gonna act on your feelings, maybe try to move on? find something casual or serious with someone new? then you'd forget all about changmin and you'd be able to go back to acting normal around him' he suggested.

chanhee's advice didn't sound too bad. if you couldn't get with changmin then you had to de-crush yourself and find somebody different to focus your emotional energy on. but on who?

'is there anyone you could think of?' you ask chanhee. he had great taste in practically everything so you highly valued his opinion.

'hmm, you could potentially try younghoon hyung? I've seen him eyeing you for weeks now and he even told me thinks your gorgeous.' he wiggled his eyebrows teasingly.

younghoon was a pretty art student, whom chanhee knew from high school. you didn't talk to him often, mostly at parties and he wasn't exactly your type but you tried to remember shouldn't judge him by his first impression when you haven't even got to know him.

chanhee pulled out his phone and soon you felt yours vibrate in your back pocket. you looked at him questioningly.

'I sent you his number in case you're interested,' he explained proudly. he put his hand on your shoulder and you could see the concern in his eyes. 'you really need to get over changmin if don't want to confess,' he insisted firmly.

so you decided to text younghoon during class. he was very polite and you thought he was cute as he seemed excited to talk to you. you agreed to hang out sometime to get to know each other and decided to meet up friday for dinner.

after the end of your classes, you walked home to warm up yesterday's leftovers. to your dismay, changmin had also decided to come home for once. since you began acting all weird and refused to eat with him, he usually spent lunch time with his dance mates as they had practice after anyway. why had he decided to come here today? your question was answered when he ran up to you, smiling from ear to ear and you noticed he was hiding something behind his back.

'you know how there is a blackpink concert downtown on friday? guess what!' he held up two tickets. surely you would at least agree to spend time with him if it meant being able to see your favorite group, right?

he must have gone through so much trouble to get tickets for you and since blackpink were your favorite music artists you were actually contemplating on going but then you remembered you had made plans.

'I can't. I'm going out with younghoon friday night.'

'kim younghoon?' he raised an eyebrow skeptically.

'why would you to be spending time together? I didn't know he was even talking to you,' he questioned you. anger was boiling inside of you.

'maybe it's because you don't know everything about me,' you snapped at him. you were aware that you were being harsh but somehow his words hurt you. why did he doubt you? did he think you weren't able to get with someone as awesome and popular as younghoon? did he not consider you pretty enough?

the microwave beeped, indicating your food was ready, making you snap out of your thoughts.

'y/n, I swear, that's not what I meant.' he stepped directly in front of you so you were forced to look at him. you stared deep into his pleading eyes as you closed the microwave door, turned your back to him, stomped to your room and slammed the door shut, leaving changmin behind in the kitchen.

your whole body was tense as you listened closely to any sounds coming from outside and felt relieved when you heard the front door close. feeling sad and depressed always made you feel tired so you decided to take a nap to forget about all the negative feelings.

when you woke up you were horny af. you had a dream about changmin taking you on the kitchen counter and now your panties were completely soaked with your arousal.

desperate, you pulled them down and tossed them somewhere to the side. it didn't matter. you needed relief now.

you closed your eyes as you slowly started rubbing your clit, imagining it was changmin's slender fingers touching you instead. your imagination was running wild and you sped up the tempo.

eventually, you plunged your middle finger and then your index finger inside you, pretending that changmin was stretching your walls with his cock.

you moaned loudly and picked up the pace, chasing your high. oh, how much you wished he was the one making you come.

'yes?' you opened your eyes and gasped loudly as you saw changmin watching you from the doorway. you hecticly pulled up your blankets to your chest to cover your naked lower body. for how fucking long had he been standing there?

'oh fuck, changmin...' you cursed out loud.

to your surpise he laughed. 'oh, is this why you have been so distant? were you embarrassed about imagining doing dirty things with me?' your cheeks were burning red and you were unable to move a muscle.

'you know, if you had told me you were thinking of me while doing it then I could've helped you out already. that would have spared both of us a lot of frustration.' he stepped into the room and pulled the sheets away, his hungry eyes fixed on your desperately dripping pussy. you tried to hide it with your hands.

'n-no… what are you saying? aren't we best friends? ' you couldn't comprehend what was happening right now. the way he was acting was so unexpected that you didn't know how to react or what to say. he brushed his hand over your burning cheeks. his eyes were conveying disparity.

'but what if I told you I don't care? that I like you? that I see you as more than just my best friend?'

'wait, you like me?' you couldn't believe your ears. was he actually reciprocating your feelings?

he groaned in exasperation. 'y/n, why did you think I ended things with my ex out of the blue?' you shrugged your shoulders as you weren't sure. you had thought it was because she had lost interest in him, at least that's what changmin had told you back then.

'because I realized I was in love you, you dumbass. how could I be together with someone if I had feelings for someone else?'

'I actually ruined my chances of having sex with seonghwa for the first time for the same reason. it was just after I had found out about the breakup,' you confessed, relieved that you were finally beginning to make sense of everything.

he climbed onto the mattress and positioned his knees next to your closed legs, leaning his hands on the wall behind you so that he was hovering above you.

'I'm sorry that you lost that opportunity. let me make it up to you,' he whispered with his face mere inches from yours and then kissed you. losing all self-restraint, you immediately pulled his body closer so that he was straddling you. after all these months filled with sexual frustration and just frustration in general, you were desperate for his touch. your hands wandered under his dance shirt and you were finally able to touch those abs you had been secretly admiring for so long.

you broke the kiss to take off both of your shirts and changmin skillfully unclasped your bra.

while his tongue was exploring the insides of your mouth, his hands were kneading your breasts, occasionally rubbing and pinching your hardened nipples. you felt his hard dick press against your lower abdomen as he grinded himself into you to get friction.

after having dreamt about this moment for so long, you felt impatient. this was too good to be true and you were scared that if you didn't act quick, your bubble would bust.

without thinking twice about it, you pulled down the hem of his sweatpants and boxers just far enough so you could easily reach inside and whip out his dick. you stopped for a moment to admire his length. it looked even better than you had ever imagined in any of your wildest dreams.

he sat upright, leaning on the wall behind you, while you stroked his cock. he was sensitive to your touch and not shy to show you how well you were doing by responding with moans.

'fuck, y/n. you're doing amazing.' his praise made you eager to show him just how good you could make him feel. your lack of experience was barely noticeable as the adrenaline flowing through your veins was guiding you.

you tapped his thighs to signalize him to inch closer. that way your mouth had easier access to his dick. you hesitantly licked up his length and were fascinated by how he tasted. wanting to have more of it, you swirl your tongue around his pink tip. changmin eventually became impatient and forced more of his dick inside your mouth so you tried to take as much of him as you could but your gag reflex made it difficult for you. instead, you worked your hands where your mouth couldn't do its job.

not wanting you to feel neglected, changmin reached behind him to stimulate your clit. he skillfully started rubbing all the right places and you moaned around him, sending vibrations through his cock.

he couldn't take this stimulation for much longer before he had to force himself to pull out of your mouth.

'wow, you almost made me come there.' he panted heavily. 'but I want to be inside you first.' you got lost in his touch as he placed a long kiss on your lips but a sudden thought brought you back to reality.

'wait, I don't have a condom,' you informed him embarrassed. you hadn't planned to lose your virginity any time soon so you hadn't bought any. did that mean the end of this wonderful dream?

but changmin laughed light heartedly. 'no need to worry. hold up, let me get some from my room.' you relaxed again as he disappeared and came back shortly with a condom wrapper in his hand.

you were prepared for him to start right away and took a deep breath in preparation but he didn't do anything.

'I don't think it's a good idea to start yet since I haven't even prepared you. the last thing I would want to do is hurt you so just lay back.'

he positioned your legs over his shoulders so your hips were hovering in the air. you felt his warm breath against your vagina before he drove his tongue inside you, seeing for himself how wet he had made you and tasting your arousal. you clasped your hands over your mouth to stop yourself from releasing any sounds.

'don't do that. I want to hear how good I make you feel,' changmin complained.

when he slid two fingers inside you, you couldn't hold it in anymore and let out some kind of aroused squeal. you felt self-conscious but it seemed like changmin was only more eager to please you.

at the same time, his tongue was abusing your swollen clit and it was impossible for you to hold back the curses that were spilling out of your mouth. the pleasure he was making you feel was a whole different sensation from anything else you've experienced before.

'more please, changmin!' you begged. you wanted more. you needed more. you needed him.

he carefully lowered your hips back down. 'are you sure you want this?' he asked you, waiting for you to clearly consent to having sex with him.

'I want you. you, and only you,' you reassured him and brought his face closer to kiss him. changmin's typical bright smile formed and you felt the butterflies in your stomach go crazy.

he positioned himself at your entrance, swiping his dick between your folds like a credit card to coat it with your juices.

you gripped his arms tightly as he pushed in. he slowly continued until all of him was buried deep inside you before stopping. the feeling of a whole penis inside of you was very different from your or changmin's fingers. it filled you up to the brim and was rubbing all the good spots. while it initially caused you a bit of discomfort, it wasn't overwhelming and it also felt good in a weird way.

when your walls finished adjusting to his length, he began to steadily move his dick in and out.

changmin intensely studied your face. he couldn't believe that after all those years you were finally close to being his. he wanted to savor every single expression you made while he was inside you.

you wrapped your legs around his torso, trying to push him deeper. he slammed his cock back inside you.

'you are mine,' he declared and started going harder and faster.

'I am yours,' you confirmed and wrapped your arms around his neck to pull him in for a kiss.

because of the extensive foreplay and your own masturbation prior to this, it didn't take long until your walls were tightening around his dick and you felt an orgasm approaching.

driven wild by you clenching around his cock, he thrusted into you even faster. you rested your sweaty foreheads against each other as both of you almost came simultaneously.

changmin kissed the top of your head before he pulled out and threw away the used condom. you opened your arms and he let himself fall right into your embrace.

'I know this might be kind of weird to talk about right now but do you want to be my girlfriend?' Changmin asked you. he still wasn't too sure what all of this meant for your relationship and he desperately needed to know where your mind was at.

'after having liked you for all this time I'd be an idiot to say no.' 'you're an idiot anyway,' he teased. you slapped his arm.

'hey! I'm not the one who ignored you for a couple of months because my hormones are out of control.' you hid your face in the crook of his neck, too embarrassed face him.

'I'm really sorry for that. you just mean so much to me and I didn't want my feelings to get in the way of our friendship.' he stroked your hair.

'I do understand that. if I hadn't heard you moan my name today I wouldn't have acted on my feelings either. but all is good now, right?' 'right.' you smiled and placed a small kiss below his ear.

'there is still one thing you need to do,' changmin tried to remind you. you looked at him, puzzled.

'what do you mean?' 'younghoon,' he hinted. you immediately started looking for your phone. that date was definitely going to have to be cancelled. there was no need for you to find a distraction anymore since you had been granted your wish after all.

[majesticarlette]

Could you please write Zoe Lee x Famous Singer Reader where Reader was Zoe’s only friend in New York and then Reader moves to Paris for concerts and to be with Zoe?

my apologies if requests are closed or if you don’t want to write this

Impulse

Zoé Lee x Reader | ONE SHOT 🌷

"I heard that (Y/n) (L/n) is here in Paris."

"No way, the (Y/n) (L/n) who has 2 successful albums?"

"You're stating the obvious, but that's them!" People could be heard fussing about the singer. Well, who wouldn't be excited when a famous person could be a few meters away from you? Your appearance in Paris isn't what you really thought about or even your goal to begin with. You're here because of someone you knew for a long time, and you can't wait to meet her again.

"We're here, let's go. We have a hotel reservation at 3:00 this afternoon, we can't be late." Your manager said while picking up her things. Your bodyguard on the other hand is already holding your bags. "Thank you." You smiled at him and faced your manager. "What time is it, Bellum?" "It's already 1:40." He responded after looking at his watch. You left the airport after double checking your things and head straight to the popular hotel in the city, Le Grand Paris.

You told the hotel staffs that you don't want anyone to know you're staying there. You want to keep your stay lowkey as possible until the days nearing the concert. Well, you went there ahead of time, not following the schedule designed for you. After your team finalized your world tour, according to them: Paris, France would be the last destination. You were ecstatic about the news, and couldn't wait to visit. So, as soon as you finished the recent concert, you flew all the way to Paris.

Once you reached your destination, your manager checked in for you while you stayed in the car. He came to pick you up after and you went to your room. "Finally, a bed." You flopped on the bed and it was so comfortable to the point of falling asleep in a span of minutes. "What's on the schedule today?" You faced your manager. "Wow, that's a first." He fixed his glasses and looked at his tablet. "Fortunately your schedule is not loaded for the day--" "I'm going outside." You quickly responded. "Are you going to meet, Ms. Zoé?" "Duh." He turned around after you started undressing yourself to fit new set of clothes. "That's why you're in a hurry of coming here." "Come on, she's your friend too. Aren't you excited to meet her too?" You started putting on your bottoms and shoes. "I am, it's just that it's not professional to act impulsively about coming here when you have a loaded schedule on your last destination. I had to fake your sickness for you to come here." You tapped his shoulder and he finally turned to you. "And that's why I love you. I'm gonna get going, do not follow me." You're in a disguise and left the room.

While looking around Paris, you stopped at a bakery to try their baked goods. "Hello, would you like to take an order?" A dark haired girl greeted you on the other side of the counter. "Hello, I'm new here. Do you recommend anything?" "All of our baked goods are delicious, but the best selling here are our macarons." "I'll take a box." She prepared your order but when she's about to hand it to you she stopped for a moment she must have noticed something. "That bracelet... Are you (Y/n)?" "Pssh... No, I'm not." You chuckled nervously. "It is you!" "Shh!" You stopped her cheers of excitement by placing your pointer finger on her lips. She's calming her self down but it doesn't seem to be working.

"You should come with me! I'll take you somewhere!" She uttered suddenly which made you step back a bit. She noticed her words and tried to explain. "I-I mean, I'm inviting you to a get together, 'cause my friends will perform their song at Liberty this evening. You'll enjoy it for sure." "Liberty?" You asked, confused by her response at you. You were startled when she face palmed herself hard. "What am I doing?! They have a busy schedule!" She started talking to herself which disturbed you a little bit. "Hey, what's Liberty?" You spoke trying to break her out of her rambling state. "Well, it's a name of a boat my two friends live in. They're into music, so there are music performances on the boat quite often."

Well, there's no harm in joining a get together. But, you're just new here, no one would know what might happen. Also, her invite seems legit, it must be nice to party on a boat while there's live music. Eh, you're still not so sure. What if she'll trick you into coming on a secluded area and take your organs? Now, you finally made up your mind.

"I'm totally going."

"Come on, Bell. I'll only be there for a couple of hours." You begged your manager to let you go. "Nuh uh." "Puh-leaaaase?" "Nope." "I promise, this'll be a one time thing." You gave him a puppy-eyed look while crossing your two fingers at the back. "Okay, I've made up my mind." Your eyes lit up and smiled at him. "No, you can't go." He smiled at you which made your smile drop. You flopped on the bed and sulk. Bellum chuckled at your reaction, "Alright you can go, bring Ollie with you." You got off the bed and prepared your things and left the room.

"(Y/n)!" Marinette called from the ship. Her friends quickly looked at your direction and gasp. "Hi." You entered the ship nervously, you're expecting a lot of touching and autographs but they never came. You were only greeted by smiles and handshakes welcoming you to Paris. But somehow, you could sense they wanted to really bad. "Uhm... Do you want me to sign you autographs?" You offered a bit embarrassed. They all nodded their head, they immediately handed you their owned albums you made. "You know, we really wanted you to sign our albums but it might overwhelm you." The girl named Mylène told you. "Hey, it's okay, I just dislike it when people rush up to me and they'll point their phones close to my face, and pulling of my clothes and limbs. You finished signing their albums and offered to take a group photo.

"(Y/n)?"

You looked at the direction of the voice and saw the person you're looking for, Zoé. "Zoé!" You hugged her and she returned it back. "Who knew the new girl would be friends with an international star?" The girl named Alya commented and they just smiled.

"1, 2, 3!" The drummer counts and Rose sang their debut song. The song was great and catchy, she's really telling everyone she loves unicorns. "So, why are you here in Paris so early? Isn't your concert will be in three days?" Zoé asked you. "Well, I missed you, of course. When you left New York, I began to miss our time together." Zoé chuckled at your response. "That sounds childish." "I'm serious, you were my only friend in New York, Zo." You held her hand and smiled at her. You swear you could see her cheeks tinted in pink.

"(Y/n), sing!" Marinette and her friends asked you to sing your songs but you promised you'll only sing one and keep the others for your concert. Bellum would scold you for sure if he heard that. Everyone cheers at you and admire your voice. "She is real." Juleka uttered "What did you expect? An illusion?" The others laughed at Alya's comment.

You swore that was the best night of your life, thank goodness you agreed to go.

You spent the remaining days before your concert with Zoé touring Paris. You're always in a disguise so not so many people would recognize you. You also left your bracelet at the hotel, you didn't know you could be recognized by that. "I'm glad I could be here with you in Paris." Zoé spoke while leaning on the railings on the top of the Eiffel tower. "Are you not going back to New York?" "I may not be, I found my comfort here in Paris. I met new friends and I could express myself freely." She smiled while gazing at the night view from up there. You could see that she's happy here than when she was in New York.

You smiled sadly, you never saw her this happy. You only have a limited time here in Paris and it's not enough for you. At this moment, you're desiring to be with her and stay by her side. You always knew your feelings for her ever since you became her friend but you didn't want to confess because you're afraid that it might cost your friendship. But you're not that (Y/n) anymore, you've waited for so long of keeping your feelings to yourself. Now that you've met again, it's time for you to tell it.

"Zoé." You spoke breaking the silence. "Yes?" she looked at you, waiting for your response. "I wanna confess something, I've been waiting to say this for a long time and I think it's time. Zoé, I like you. Not just as a friend but more than that. I wanna fulfill our dreams here in Paris, together." You held her hands as she just looked at you. "You mean, you're going to move here?" You nodded at her as an answer. She let go from your hold and just stared at you. "(Y/n), I've known you for a long time. I know you want to fulfill your dream as a successful singer who is known in the whole wide world." She rested her elbows on the railings and gestured the round world. You're just listening to her, confused at what she's saying. "And, you staying here in Paris isn't enough. I came here to be with my family, I had a desire and a goal to win their hearts but it didn't go my way. Instead, I found a new purpose. To be myself, not pretending anymore." She looked at you. "You, you started building your dreams in New York. You're just starting yet, you may say that you're already there, but it's not over yet. My point is, I don't want you to move all the way here just because of me." She pointed out. "I want you to move here because you planned to, you loved to, and you settled to be."

"I really want to, I promise." You replied and she just shook her head. "No, please reconsider. Now is not the right time." She cupped your cheeks. "What about my feelings for you, is that also rejected?" She just chuckled and pinched your cheeks. "I'll wait for you here, so don't pursue another person." She giggled and let go of your cheeks. "I'm kidding, you can date whoever you want, but I'll be here waiting for your return." You pouted from her answer. "I won't do that, you're the only one I'm going to pursue no matter how long it takes." You declared surely of your answer. You took something from your pocket, "This is a necklace my mother gave to me. When I get back here permanently I'll retrieve it from you." She smiled and hug you.

You both went home that time, you walked her to her room and then you finally entered your own room. You flopped on the bed and waited for tomorrow's event. You slept soundly that night, might be the most memorable night that happened here in Paris, and of course in your life.

You could spot Marinette and her friends in the audience while you were performing on stage. They were all shouting and admiring you from their spots. You waved at them which made the crowd shout louder. Of course, you wouldn't forget about your crush. You spotted her along with her family in the VIP seats.

You performed all of your songs and mentioned special people you met here in Paris. You swore you could see the gang's faces proud and happy. The experience as always was fun but never thought you'd meet new friends here. You swore you'll get back here as soon as possible, so have to give your all.

"Thank you all for coming here." You told the whole gang. "No, thank you and your bodyguard for letting us personally bid a celebrity goodbye." Nino responded and you just smiled. "Hug?" You offered and they all accepted. "Wow, I'm really waiting for this, I can't hug you at first because I know you'll get uncomfortable." Rose spoke and get to be the first to hug you and the rest follows. "These camera flashes are literally blinding me." Alya commented while covering her eyes, meanwhile Chloé's posing in front of the cameras. Yep, Chloé's here. "(Y/n), let's go. We don't wanna be late." Bellum suddenly spoke which breaks your conversation with the group. "I'll see you all soon." You waved them goodbye, you noticed Zoé discreetly giving you a flying kiss. You smiled at her and finally entering the terminal area.

"You finally told Zoé, huh?" Bellum spoke to you.

"I'm glad I did." You scrunched your nose at him.

[thegardenandthegrave]

There is something so fucking special about growing up and claiming or reclaiming the parts of yourself that you shoved down because society expected you to.

I grew up in a strict religious setting, desperate to keep my parents happy and prove I was just as gifted as they said I was.

And I know a lot of people have grown up that way. And there are still people being raised that way.

I remember watching Avatar The Last Airbender the summer I turned 18 because it had been forbidden for religious reasons. That damned show had nothing evil in it but it felt so rebellious to watch that I had to wait until I was an adult before I did it. I felt so ashamed hiding behind my laptop with my headphones in, jumping at every creak in the house.

And I've been on the outskirts of DnD groups since I was 13 but I only started playing last summer at 29. That's 16 years of communal storytelling and community and joy I missed out on.

Not because I thought it was wrong, or evil, or something I wouldn't enjoy. Because I had held on so damn hard to the identity that I had formed in my formative years that I just assumed it 'wasnt for me' and completely ignoring how envious I was of those who did play.

And I almost dated my (female) best friend the year after graduation, but we were renting a room out if my mom's place in a new city neither of us knew enough about to really be independent. And my mom caught us holding hands one afternoon, actually the very first time we were holding hands and blushing at each other and working up the courage to talk about it. . We didn't get the chance before my mom found an excuse to get me alone and then furiouslydemanded to know what was going on and saying the kind of words that aren't commonly spoken unless they're being used in a reclaiming way these days.

I spent the rest of the summer basically overdosing on melatonin from the near constant panic attack, wishing I knew how to get something stronger to numb myself out, and pushing this kind and gorgeous girl away so much she moved back to our hometown and we haven't talked since.

And when I was fifteen I looked up to my uncle so much and wanted to hang out with him all the time because he's be playing video games and listening to black sabbath and metallica. But I knew that was a boy thing, that girls weren't supposed to be into that. Especially not well mannered, straight A, college bound kids like me. I remember hearing adults talk about how his music was garbage and he needed to grow out of it and I spent that summer reading books in my room and pretending I wasn't also listening to the music through the walls.

But today, a month out from turning 30, I started playing a black sabbath song I thought I remembered from back then and I started bawling my eyes out because I liked it SO MUCH and it was so different from everything else.

And I reminded me of the all the times I passed on hanging out with friends at a local concert or begged off early from a hangout because the music wasn't appropriate. Wasn't something I out to like and so of course I hated it.

And at the end here you might be thinking this post is about regret and nonconformity and the 'cult shelterd gifted kid' to 'twenty-something burnout' pipeline.

And maybe it is all about that. But it's also about how today I'm editing a paranormal lesbian romcom series, plotting a very queer centric high fantasy, and incredibly open to everyone in my life about my bisexuality.

It's about how fucking excited I am to be turning 30 and finally getting to jam out to these songs, share that love of music with my uncle.

How I can watch whatever I want and decide for myself if it's good for me or not.

How I can discover how boring I find playing a sorcerer and just multiclass into a rogue and my DM will just roll with it because it turns out I'm not entirely a sorcerer and I'm not entirely a rogue.

I'm a little bit of both, and I've finally got the confidence to explore those parts of myself without shame, without listening through a thin wall or watching a show in secret, or pushing anything away that brings me joy.

Turns out growing up isn't the worst thing in the world and maybe it's actually a little fun.

[mistressemmedi]

Måneskin: "Different from whom?"

Greetings from Miley Cyrus - phenomenal numbers.

The streams of Zitti e Buoni are growing by the second, and ahead of Muse, on the top of the English charts, twelfth in the Spotify Global Chart. We almost tripled followers after Rotterdam (from 1.4 to 3.3 million, ed). Contagious and universal madness: T-shirts and merchandise sold out in 10 minutes. Like records, tickets for a tour that adds dates and expands on maps. They are even looking for us in festivals where the Rolling Stones have played. - Thomas

After the whole cocaine scandal that was started against us from France, which was later denied by my drug test, in Spain there people have been making murals with my face saying "No drugs". Some tweets made us laugh: «Congratulations, Italy! I have never been so sure that four people have fucked each other ". Miley Cyrus started following us. "You are great". “You are more” . - Damiano

From rags to riches - what a story

It was only 2016, and we were playing in restaurants, on the streets, in via del Corso (famous street in Rome). Damiano without a microphone, Thomas's guitar with broken strings, Ethan drummed on a cajón. At the occupations of the high schools in Rome (Kennedy, Virgilio, Mamiani) we had our first gigs and half an hour of fame, between those who criticized us and those who said "these guys are so cool". One of the rare times in which they offered to pay us to play - 50 euros each - we offered that money to those after us, in exchange for the chance to play during their time slow, as we knew there would have been a bigger crowd. We already understood then how it worked. That visibility was worth more than the money. We still think so ». - Victoria

The intimacy of rock - Choice of a genre

Music allows is this miracle which allows one to talk about very personal and private topics, even difficult and delicate ones. They are and remain deeply yours, but at the same time they become a confession that reaches a wider audience, and in this passage which is like a delivery, they also find their place in you, their elaboration. They are overcome, they are accepted. One moment it feels aggressive, one moment later a (soft) ballad. It's very cathartic. - Damiano

Against panic - The stage as therapy

I have suffered a lot from anxiety and panic attacks, it is a problem that I have worked on thanks to a course of psychotherapy, to my friends and family. Playing has helped me not to let myself be paralyzed by my fears, not to be limited in my private and professional life. I have learned to accept, to live with this side of me. I don't hide it. I no longer feel ashamed. - Victoria

This belief that only crazy people go to the psychologist is widespread ignorance. Nobody is born learned. And it is often difficult to understand why we are here, let alone the derivation and direction of our desires. It is a long and legitimate journey towards one's clarity. - Damiano

Essere fuori di testa – Ma diversi da loro (Be out of your mind - But different from them)

Already feeling a strong passion for something that is not a 'regular' profession but an artistic language, it puts you on a level where you're an anomaly, and while you're neither superior nor inferior to others, it places you in the condition of what breaks the mold but you're also being at a loss, leaving it to you to be bold and to take risks, hoping that they will pay off and land you somewhere. "What good is it if you don't stand out on your own?". You want to give it an aesthetic to your artistic dream, but to others it boils down to " You dress differently! You must be gay! ”, I'm 22 now and it makes me laugh, but at 17 it had an effect on me too. - Damiano

The beauty of being unique - Of believing in that and defending it

After all, we are all different not because we want to be alternative but because really no one is the same. Justice is being judged on what you do and not what you are. Justice is equality, respect, beauty. - Ethan

Fluid sexuality - Pride is freedom

We appreciate heels on men, we kiss each other, we have an open, extended mind, and we are proud of it. The horizons become vast, beyond the oppression of conservative families. With information on the web, knowledge is enriched and with it the possibility that minorities will be fewer and fewer, because majorities will be fewer and fewer. This will lower the volume to insults and bullying. If social networks can reach a village of 50 souls to reveal to someone, who is afraid of the darkness, that someone has felt that same fear.. There is no longer the need to give it a name, to define that "something" to fear, to brand it with labels that only limit you. Definitions have always had this effect on me. Gender should not even be considered in a person's judgment. Let alone orientation ". - Victoria

Sexism - A culture to be dismantled

Emma (Italian singer) dropped the bomb:" When I went to Eurovision, they insulted me over a pair of shorts. Damiano - half naked and in heels - was never criticized ". The judgment against women is constant, ferocious, and demeaning (if I have a lot of sex I'm cool but Vic a whore, where I show myself strong I'm a leader she is domineering and pain in the ass, who is successful because only because of her looks [and not the hard work she puts in]). As a male I am privileged, the harassment I suffer is not comparable to that experienced by a woman, the comments on my aesthetics are focused only on my aesthetics and do not insinuate anything about my professionalism and my competence, while women are victims of this kind of thinking in a systemic way. But I did find myself in a situation, out of nowhere, with someone who, pulling close to her for a selfie, started licking my face ... "What do you want, did you ask me?" Consent exists, and it is a must ». - Damiano

To grow as a person - The only rule to follow

For me, to conform is the total opposite of educating oneself, and the asphyxiation of one's expression (of freedom). Fortunately, I did not suffer heavy bullying, to the point where I felt I needed to change to adapt to how others saw me. But the matrix of who I am and the aggression that marks me is the same. If I'm a kid who dances and loves dolls, then allow me the freedom to do so. I used to be a kid who wanted long hair and played with Barbies. My friends, as a teenager, looked my long hair and teased me: "You have to find yourself a girl with a short hair to make up for it". My grandparents took the dolls away from me and said: “Stop it, they're not for you” ». - Ethan

“I was six and I already could not tolerate the distinctions between masculine and feminine. I've always had strong ideas about how I wanted to be. I refused things typically defined as feminine as a child, and they made fun of me for skating, for playing soccer, for not wearing skirts, for giving myself the chance to be as I wanted to be. I suffered a little, as I was bullied, but I had courage to stay true to myself, and today thanks to that courage I know that I could have been much more hurt, or I would have risked leaving the most important decision to others: the one about being just me". - Victoria

Love - music and girlfriends

I've been married to music for the past 20 years. I cannot wait to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary. - Ethan

Everyone goes through their own experiences, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, but it's never other people's business." - Thomas

When, for the first time, I developed feelings and attraction for a girl it was a bit disorienting because I had never had the courage to go beyond the limitations I had imposed on myself. For society, being heterosexual is the norm and therefore often one automatically pegs himself in that way, giving up the freedom to experience many different shades and facets of love. Once I got over the initial insecurity of having to question one's own certainties, I lived my sexuality in a very natural and free way, as it should be for everyone. - Victoria

I had paparazzi under my house morning and night. So, after four years of relationship, I finally revealed her name. I still have the paparazzi under my house morning and night, but at least I don't have to hide anything anymore. - Damiano

The value of the group - Protecting each other

But the real relationship, the real family, is between us. Our band. We believed in it from the first day, even before calling ourselves Måneskin (moonlight in Danish), even before Ethan drew a giant moon, on the poster for our first concert. We share everything, even the pain of the tragedy of Seid Visin, who committed suicide at 20 because he was a victim of racism. Being a group is what we should all do together: stay united and not retreat in the slightest in the face of abuses generated by a distorted vision of someone "being different|. - Thomas

Non ho l’età – like Gigliola (It references Gigliola Cinquetti who won both Sanremo and Eurovision with her song "Non ho l’età" which translates to Not old enough)

Before us, the only one to win Sanremo and Eurovision together was Gigliola Cinquetti (in 1964). Is there is something for which I feel I am not yet old enough for? No, honestly no. Maybe for kids. I'll be honest, I'm not enough to be a dad. - Damiano

Reached the sky - What fears still remain

We are more than in the dream, we have conquered the dream. To fly high this high, there is the risk is to fall and get hurt, but we will try not to end up like Icarus, who burns his wings with the sun. Everything is in our hands. And this - somewhat presumptuously - reassures us rather than frighten us ". - Damiano

(ORIGINAL INTERVIEW IN ITALIAN)

[Please note that I have changed some words or structure sentence, trying to make it so that the interview made more sense lol - I skipped the first two paragraphs, which was basically the interviewer gushing over how pretty the band is lmao (relatable).

Any mistakes in the translation are sorely mine, nothing was proofread, so apologies in advance]