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literatikoo · 3 years

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Lane Kim deserved better

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I would only write Lane Kim meta when I am very very angry because I need to be powered by spite and petty energy to unravel exactly how much of a disservice this show was to Lane and by extension any Asian kid with a similar life. And, well, it's happening now, so buckle up kids, this is going to be a loooong ride because I have a lot to say.

Before we start on the negative aspects, the show got a lot of things about Lane right, which is why I care so much about her character. Yes, ASP obviously didn't know how to write a POC experience and it's seen in the way some very harmful stereotypes were propagated (the tiger mom trope, Mrs Kim's religious beliefs, the depiction of the Kim extended family etc) but at the same time Lane was beautifully written as a character, unlike her plot which left much to be desired. Lane Kim was an Asian girl with rock n roll dreams who had an extremely fraught relationship with her mother and had to fight for even a semblance of independence. And I hate to say it but a lot of daughters of Asian households are forced to hide a part of themselves from their families, so Lane's story was authentic.

Not only was Lane amazing as an individual, she was also a great friend. She was the only one who was really in Rory's corner; she never judged her and supported all of Rory's relationships (my favourite example of this is when she barely tolerated Jess in S2/3 and then did a complete 180 like 5 episodes later, all because Rory decided to finally accept she liked him). Lane never pointed out what Rory was doing wrong not because she was afraid of doing so but because the two of them had been friends for years and Lane believed that Rory would figure it out one day. Lane shows this unconditional kindness not only to Rory but to everyone. She takes in her Korean cousin and teaches her to have fun even when she's afraid that Mrs Kim has replaced her, she lets Gil be in the band because she empathises with him, she takes care of the band and prevents it from breaking up multiple times. And these are only a few examples of Lane being the kindest character on GG.

One of the best things in Gilmore Girls is that the most unproblematic, amazing guy is given to Lane. Dave Rygalski is the best love interest on the show hands down (Sorry to my boy Jess but Dave was LEAGUES ahead of him at 17) and Lane definitely deserved someone like that. Their story was adorable and I would have loved for them to be endgame. However, what grates me is that when I see people talking about Lane "deserving better," it's usually about Dave vs Zach. When Lane actually deserved better as a WHOLE and not only in terms of love interests. I always thought it made more sense for her to end up alone at the end of the og series. Because Lane was a person who craved independence and she was not going to get that while tied to some guy (even if that guy is boyfriend extraordinaire, Dave Rygalski). It's even worse when we see that Lane is the only female character on the show to be treated this way. Rory rejects marriage for her career while Lane ends up with marriage as her storyline. Lorelai and Luke get back together but their relationship is still left open ended, though arguably it would've made more sense if they got married when Lane and Zach did. Paris gets into Harvard Medical school and gets a great relationship, similarly Sookie gets the family she wanted and continues to be amazing at her job. But Lane... god Lane is the only one without an open ending, without any space for speculation of where her life might lead her. Not only did they marry her off, they also gave her a terrible first time and twins, effectively locking her to Stars Hollow. The show even cut down all hope of her being a rock n roll mom as one of her S7 storylines is choosing the kids over going on tour with Zach. She doesn't get to be her own person for more than ONE season; she's stuck with being a daughter and then a wife and then a mother.

Something else that angers me about Lane's storyline is that we never really get to see how badly her relationship with her mom affects her. Don't get me wrong, I adore Mrs Kim's redemption arc and I think it was beautifully juxtaposed to Lorelai and Rory's crumbling relationship, but having a mother like that is hard. Not only did Lane have to hide 90% of her personality from Mrs Kim but she also lived with the fact that one day she might have to choose between her dreams and her mother. In the end, Mrs Kim makes that choice for her and deals with it by kicking Lane out in S4, and yet we never really see how that negatively affects Lane. Hell, Jess acts like a broody teen for two seasons, Rory wastes six months of her life away at the DAR and they both come out of it successfully. Lane gets kicked out, figures out her own living conditions, gets a job, works insanely hard for her band and... ends up having to give her dreams up completely.

Lane and Paris shared a lot of similarities too, even if they both had different friendships with Rory. They both came from terrible families and looked to Lorelai as a mother figure, they both cared deeply for Rory, and they were both incredibly passionate about their careers. Paris made calendars and flashcards and went crazy studying for both pre med and pre law. Lane was a walking, talking music encyclopaedia, she bought CDs obsessively and organised them by genre under her floorboards, she taught herself to play the drums and then found a band to play for. And yet... only Paris becomes successful in the end, whereas Lane takes over Kim's antiques. Lane was still a musician in AYITL and she can be rock n roll even with kids but this is all hypothetical and we never see it on the show.

There is a lot of terrible, lazy writing on the show and a lot of characters get ruined because of it but with Lane, her character stays the same, they just ruin everything else for her. I think she'll be an amazing mom and will probably make her best out of doing music casually. But the writers also took something so special and destroyed it just because Lane stopped being as important to the plot as she was in seasons 1-3. Lane and Rory drifting a little after Rory leaves for Yale makes perfect sense, that's just how relationships are, always changing. And yet as Lane's importance to Rory decreased so did her importance to the writers.

Lane wasn't the kind of character that needed character development or a redeeming character arc- she was never a bad person and nothing about her had to be fixed, unlike Jess or even Paris. All she really needed was for her dreams to come true because for the first 4 seasons her dreams were the biggest fixture of her personality. Like how Jess needed to overcome his trauma and Rory needed to figure out where she fit in and Paris needed to become a girlboss, Lane needed to realise her dreams because that's where her arc was leading her. But it just didn't happen. Instead, Lane becomes 2-dimensional; a large part of her screentime is taken up by Zach problems, her dreams fall flat and she becomes tied to Stars Hollow for the rest of her life. Not to mention we see less of Lane in favour of Logan and the dickhead posse.

This is not me hating on all the other characters I've mentioned in this meta, I'm just pointing out the lack of respect the writers have for Lane in comparison to all these other people who fulfilled the role they were made for. Why would you write Lane to have all these dreams and make her struggle so hard for 4 seasons just to smash them to pieces? And why is it that one of the only POC characters on this show is treated like this?

And you can't tell me the writers didn't know what they were doing, not when this is a direct quote from Lane in S7:

"It was such a small window -- a peephole, really. For years, I was this repressed kid, and then there was the briefest of windows. And then -- slam. All of a sudden, I'm this overburdened mother. I barely got to do it, Zach. I barely got the chance to be a person."

#gilmore girls #gilmore girls meta #lane kim #lane kim meta #mrs kim #rory gilmore #jess mariano #lorelai gilmore #paris geller #lane x dave #amy sherman palladino #anti lane x zach #anti zach van gerbig #in the end paris and rory got a lot of their opportunities because they are rich privileged white women #and if lane got opportunities like that she would’ve grown wildly successful #i always saw paris as a raging lesbian #and yet!! her and doyle's divorce meant less to me than zach and lane's

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joshfuckingkiszka · 2 years

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『pray for me - drw』

drw x f!reader

I'm sorry I'm a liar but I hope the five thousand words in this make up for me being a little scoundrel. There are some ocs in this fic, so if you share a name with any of them, I apologize.

I would also like to point out that certain parts of this are based off of my own religious trauma, and I hope to never upset anyone by writing this. if you are not comfortable with this topic, I recommend saving yourself the trouble and scrolling past, I will not be upset in the slightest. I am certainly not dissing or hating the things that anyone chooses to believe, this is simply certain beliefs that I have had my own issues with. love y'all!

THIS PIECE IS 18+ MINORS DNI

» hush hush masterlist

warnings: religious trauma, the slightest bit of angst, horrible parents, explicit sexual content, mention of possible alcoholism, and josh.

☼

Danny Wagner was an extremely patient man. He spent most of his adult life waiting for you: for you to befriend him, to fall in love with him, and finally for you to admit it. When your own band had started to take off in popularity, you had just barely turned 18, still figuring out the ways of the world, and then attempting to navigate fame. Danny had of course been much younger when eyes suddenly turned to him, idolizing and peeking into his private life, but he could tell how unexpected it was for you. He’d had Josh and Jake to guide him, and your bandmates hadn’t even graduated high school. The two years prior to your meeting had been rocky, to say the least.

He’d fallen in love with you the first time he saw you perform at some music festival in Kentucky. The name escaped him, because he could only focus on you. He adored the way you poured your heart into every song you sang, and the obvious nerves you had when you spoke to him for the first time. It wasn’t made any better when your drummer, Nat, ran up, desperately excited to meet him. You thought it was over right then and there, before it ever had a chance to begin. Nat was beautiful, albeit, a little over the top when it came to, well, anything, really. Them both being drummers was a surefire way to instill chemistry, but you tried not to let it bother you. In all fairness, Danny felt the same way when you met Josh, the way you fawned over his singing and eccentric outfits. Josh was to you as Danny was to Nat, an idol.

Nat was never into Danny, and you had no particular feelings for Josh. You and Danny were young and dumb, though, and the thought of actually being into each other never crossed your mind, it had run through Danny’s plenty, though. Your bands hung out quite often, though you cautiously tried to avoid it. Being around Greta Van Fleet’s drummer was enough to drown you in a nervous sweat, let alone being friends. Fans caught on pretty quickly and regularly joked - a little too seriously - about a possible relationship amongst the groups. It was an accusation that was often denied. That was, until Nat, very selfishly in your opinion, began dating Josh about a year after they met.

Of course you were happy for them, she was one of your best friends, but a part of you resented her for giving you another reason to be around Danny regularly. It took months - six, exactly - for you to finally become comfortable enough to call him a friend. Another two months later, in the dim light of your tour bus - drunk, of course - you admitted to Nat, tears streaming down your face, that you thought you were in love with him. You didn’t hate her when she told Josh, it was almost to be expected, but you didn’t really like her either.

Afterwards, they were constantly playing matchmaker. It was hard, you guys being on tour at the same time but in different states, or even countries at times. Their plans never completely fell into place until those assholes went behind your back to request a co-headlining tour. You could've killed her, you were so angry, and your silent treatment lasted for almost a week. It was Nat’s sister, Penny, who encouraged you two to workout whatever problems you had before the tour started, where she would “take pleasure in beating the fuck out of you two”, if they weren’t resolved. You knew she was right, she always was, so you listened to the guitarist and apologized to Nat, who apologized to you, and you both hugged and cried over three empty margarita glasses.

“Hey, where the hell is Reese?” Penny’s sunglasses slipped down the bridge of her nose, her dark green eyes squinting from the light, even in the overcast. Nat huffed when her sister blew a bubble with her gum for the eighth time in thirty minutes and you mumbled about this being a great start to the tour.

“Reese? Where the hell are the boys?” You responded, looking pointedly at Nat, as if she was responsible for their whereabouts.

She shrugged, looking at her phone. “You know them, always fashionably late.”

“Speaking of fashion, here I am!” Reese’s curly hair was tied up in a bun on her head, and you knew you would spend at least thirty minutes helping her detangle the coils that night. In her right hand, she held a cup holder with coffee, and none of you were upset with her anymore. She was the first to get picked up by the bus, and it was no surprise to anyone that she had made the driver stop at Starbucks.

“Have I ever told you that I love you, because I do.” Penny held a hand over her heart, dramatically.

Rolling her deep brown eyes, Reese claimed, “You’re only saying that ‘cuz you’re hungover.” Penny only shrugged at the - very true - accusation.

The boys were only thirty minutes late, a new record in your book. Sam claimed it was because Josh spent way too much time on his hair, while the older twin claimed their tardiness was due to Jake being too hungover to drive. The arguments went on until Penny yelled at all of them to shut the hell up.

“Are we gonna leave or not? South Carolina’s a six hour drive and we have a show tomorrow.” The sun was already past its halfway point in the sky, and your phone read 1:45, so you were more than ready to get on the road.

Sam threw an arm around your shoulders, proclaiming, “I don’t ever remember you being so bossy.”

Shrugging his arm off of you, you replied, “And I don’t remember asking your opinion, Sammy.” He laughed, and it was nearly impossible not to join in.

“C’mon lovebirds, time to go!” You yelled to Nat and Josh, who were still standing in the driveway. The sisters had carpooled to your house, making it so that only Penny’s car sat in the garage beside yours, where it would remain for the next two weeks, until your short four day break in between shows.

They groaned, but got on their respective buses. You raised an eyebrow when Penny opened the box of some shitty beer that you couldn’t stand the taste of.

“It’s the best cure for a hangover,” she said simply.

“You know what would help more? Not drinking an entire bottle of whiskey.” Nat didn’t take as well to drinking as her sister. She maintained that Penny picked up a bottle when she was 16 and never left her hand empty of one again. It wasn’t a problem, per se, not yet.

Penny sighed, “Probably, but I would have a lot less fun.”

It wasn’t until the very end of the tour loomed over your heads that Josh and Nat decided they had one more trick up their sleeves. They conspired a devious plan, you could see it in their beady little eyes.

“I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but I’d stop now,” you warned them.

Josh only gave you a sly smile. “Whatever do you mean, JJ?” That stupid fucking nickname. Sam started it, and you’d never really forgiven him for it, to be honest. It stood for “Josh Junior” and he’d started using it the very first time he’d heard you sing. You maintained that your voice sounded nothing like his older brother’s, but everyone else seemed to disagree.

When Josh thought it was funny, you told him that it meant he sounded like a girl. He’d been offended, for a moment, only to later claim you just sounded like a girl version of him. Even your bandmates had taken up using the moniker, and you rolled your eyes everytime. It bothered you more than you let on, your main concern being that you weren’t Josh, you were you. You were the hardworking girl who spent her entire highschool career staying up until three in the morning, studying and writing down song lyrics, the one who begged every bar in your hometown to just make an exception that none of you were old enough to be there, and the same girl who emailed every record label in Nashville, pleading for a chance to send in a demo. You had worked so hard to give your band the success you all deserved, and you didn’t want to spend the rest of your career hiding in Josh’s shadow, you couldn’t.

On the second to last stop of the tour, after the crowd had long since left the venue, and instruments were all encased, packed up to start the drive in the morning, Nat and Josh declared it game night.

“I am literally exhausted and you two want to play games?” Reese was ever the straight shooter.

“Yeah, you both worry me with how much energy you have,” Penny admitted, whiskey swishing around in her glass.

Sam seemed to carry the same energy as his brother. “Is this like a Clue situation or…?”

“We were thinking more along the lines of ‘never have I ever’!” You couldn’t help the glare you threw in Nat’s direction.

“But like…the drinking version, right?” You and Reese shared a look at Penny’s words. Although, you didn’t really mind. Alcohol would help you get through whatever those two idiots were planning.

The drummer rolled her eyes, “Yes, yes, the drinking version.”

“Yeah, okay.” Jake never had to say a whole lot to get his point across, and everyone else joined in agreement.

The statements started off innocent enough, with ones like “Never have I ever been in a fist fight” to which Penny was the only one who drank - and that didn’t really surprise anyone.

As the questions got broader, and everyone got drunker, they started to become more risque.

“Never have I ever…had sex with someone sleeping in the same room.” That was true, you had never done that. You didn’t expect, however, Nat and Josh to sheepishly take sips.

“What the hell?!” You exclaimed, “We shared hotel rooms!”

Nat shrugged, giving you a small, embarrassed smile. “We made sure you didn’t wake up.”

“Next time, you’re sleeping in her room,” you told Penny as you bumped her shoulder with your own.

Holding up her hands, she yelled, “Hell no!” Everyone, even you, laughed.

You frowned when Josh gave you that devious smile. “Never have I ever had a crush on someone in Greta Van Fleet.” You glared at him, and Nat happily took a sip. She gave you a pointed look and you hoped no one could see when you took a drink. Luckily for you, Reese also happened to take an unabashed sip of her White Claw.

“What? Who?” Penny asked the bassist.

She shrugged her dark, tank top clad shoulders, “Sam. He’s unhinged in a way that makes me very attracted to him.”

“Thank you?” Sam responded, unsure if that was a compliment.

“Welcome,” she raised her can to him, “but let’s not forget that JJ took a drink.” You turned away from her, arms crossed at her betrayal.

“You’re not attracted to me too, are you?”

You couldn’t help but scoff, “No, Sammy, never.”

“Jake? Oh my god, Josh?! The horror, the shame, the-”

“Shut the fuck up!” Josh yelled, and Sam’s chagrined face almost made you laugh.

The younger twin spoke up knowingly, “It’s Danny.”

“No it isn’t.”

“How did you know that?” You and Danny spoke at the same time, and when your panicked question came out, he looked at you, shocked.

Jake looked between the two of you. “Isn’t it obvious? You’re both so in love with each other but too stupid to notice.”

Ouch. It was true though, all of it. Looking back, it was so painfully obvious that Danny was in love with you. The time he’d raced to your house at 2:30 in the morning because you had an awful case of strep throat and passed out in the kitchen, only to wake up and call him first, or how he’d stay sober at bars, specifically to drive you home. All the times he’d done for you what he wouldn’t even do for his own bandmates crashed through your brain like waves on rocks, and you felt so incredibly stupid.

The conversation changed, but you knew it was vital to speak to him. Grabbing his hand, you led him off the bus, the hotel parking lot your only solace of silence.

“Danny, I’m in love with you, and I’m sorry it took me so long to say it.” You didn’t realize you would get right to the point, but figured you’d skip the pleasantries.

He shook his head, a smile on that beautiful face. “I think this is the part where we kiss.” And you did, it was sweet and tender and short, but you kissed him.

It never bothered him that he had to wait months for you to tell him you were ready to have sex, he was a gentleman, after all. Besides, it’s not like you were a saint or anything. There were plenty of times the two of you would have slow, passionate makeout sessions, where you grinded into him from your straddle position.

When you did tell him you were ready, it was pouring down rain. Spring in Nashville was temperamental like that. You two had made plans to go on a hike, only to step off of the porch and sheets of rain to cascade over you. Danny grabbed your hand, hurriedly pulling you inside and then the thunder and lightning started.

“My clothes are soaked!” The white linen blouse you donned made it appear that you had participated in a wet t-shirt contest. Without thinking, Danny reached for the bottom to pull it over your head.

As he realized what he was doing, he stuttered out, “O-Oh my god, I’m so sorry!”

It was the tenderness in his eyes and the pure intentions he’d had to begin with. He wanted you to be warm, and to prevent you getting sick. Without hesitation, you finished what he’d started, and pulled your shirt off. The white sports bra underneath was nothing special, but Danny didn’t care. He pulled you in for one of those tender, passionate kisses he specialized in.

You gently pushed him back to the couch, straddling his legs and gripping his arms tightly. With his lips still connected to yours, he reached down to unbutton your shorts.

Before you could let it get any further, you stopped him. “Danny, wait.”

“Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?” He removed his hands from you immediately.

You shook your head, smiling. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong, I’m fine. I just figured I should tell you…I’ve never…y’know.” It was embarrassing, admitting your virginal status. You’d never disclosed it with anyone, including your bandmates, not that you had to. There was no shame in waiting for the right person, which you knew to be Danny, you just didn’t want him to have huge expectations.

“Hey, hey,” he lifted your head with his fingers, forcing you to look into his eyes, “that’s okay. Is this still something you want? I need you to be sure.”

You nodded, “I want you, Danny.”

“I’ll be gentle, and if I need to stop, you tell me, okay?” You nodded, and he brought you in for another kiss.

In a swift decision, he gently picked you and took you back to your bedroom. You both knew it would be almost inappropriate to love your virginity on the couch. After he’d laid you down on the bed, he moved to remove his own shirt, and, even though you’d seen him shirtless before, you couldn’t stop your lingering gaze on his toned chest. His pants were next to come off, but he left his boxers on, and came back down to you.

His lips moved down your neck in a way that made you shiver, and he chuckled at the involuntary movement of your body. When he took your sports bra off, you instinctively covered your chest.

“It’s okay, baby, let me see you,” when your arms laid back at your sides, he smiled, “so pretty. You’re the prettiest, babygirl.” Heat coursed through your body and shot pulses to your cunt, and you hoped it wouldn’t take him much longer to reach it.

He leaned down to take a nipple in his mouth, bringing up his hand to gently knead at the other. Involuntarily, you arched into him, hoping for any form of release. When you did, your core brushed his clothed erection and you shuddered, goosebumps somehow forming on your heated skin. After he decided that your nipples had been well taken care of, he left tiny kisses down your stomach, finally arriving at your dripping cunt. Worries began to flood your brain. Did you shave well enough? How long had it been since you did?

Your anxiety was diminished the second he flatted his tongue against your clit. The conjunction of the feeling of absolute bliss paired with those brown eyes looking up at you, searching for some form of validation. In lieu of noises or broken words, your hands found his curls, tugging and pushing his head against your core. It didn’t take long for your orgasm to rip through you, it was so much better than your own fingers or any toy you owned. There was no way it could get any better than that.

Danny came up, pulling you into a deep kiss. Tasting yourself on his tongue was a new level of intimacy that left you craving more.

“I’m gonna have to open you up a little, okay, baby?” You nodded, the words shooting fireworks through your core, and you could’ve snapped then and there.

Prodding his fingers around your entrance, you tensed up a bit, and he kissed you to ease your nerves. You appreciated how much he genuinely cared about your comfort. His long digits circled your clit before he gently pushed the pointer into you. The stretch wasn’t bad and you didn’t mind until he added his middle finger. It slightly burned as your walls expanded around him. When he added a third finger, your eyes watered slightly from the new feeling, and he paused his movements.

“Are you okay? Should I stop?”

You shook your head, biting your lip. “No, no. Just give me a minute.” He nodded, his motions still halted as he kissed your neck. A few moments passed and you gave him permission to continue.

His fingers pushed and pulled inside of you, and once the burning dilation subsided, the pleasure returned. Your head pushed into the mattress, the feeling of him inside you too gratifying to keep any form of physical composure.

Before you could cum again, much to your discontentment, Danny stopped. His fingers pulled out of you, and he asked, “Do you think you’re ready for me, sweetheart?”

You whispered a low, “Yes.” With your quiet approval, he finally took off his boxers, and you worried once you saw his size. It was always suspected, and even your bandmates had made jokes about how he “had to be packing”, but you didn’t think it would hold that true.

He grasped your jaw between his fingers, dragging your gaze to his beautiful face, and you suddenly couldn’t remember what you were worried about. His kiss was something you hoped to never forget, but it would be nearly impossible, you knew that much. You smiled against his lips and he reciprocated the expression. With your foreheads pressed into one another’s, he pushed into you, and with all the preparation he had done, the burn was nearly unnoticeable.

“You feel so good, like you were made for me, sweetheart.” Your eyes closed at his words, trying to quell the screams in your chest that begged to be released. It nearly hurt to hold them in, but that dark part of your brain forced the hesitation, and you had to listen to it.

You managed to whisper his name, and he groaned. His responsiveness made you wish you could be more like him, open and free to your pleasure. It wasn’t that black and white, though, and you hoped he didn’t take it too personally. The use of your real name as he spilled inside you gave you the slight freedom to take part in your own release. You were real to him, not just a fragment of his bandmate, and it felt whole.

Hours later, showered and comforted by the thick material of your comforter, your head rested on Danny’s chest. The steady rhythm of his heartbeat nearly lulling you to sleep. Rain still fell in consistent sheets outside, as you heard the beat of it hitting the window.

“Baby?” You hummed in response. “You, um - that was a good first time, yeah? I didn’t fuck it up, right?”

A half conscious giggle fell from your lips. “It was perfect.” A kiss landed on his chest and, while you couldn’t see him, you knew he was smiling.

It was months of routine and uniformity of daily life before the call came in. It left you an absolute wreck, panic causing your head to spin and your breathing to become uneven. Danny had been out, he and Sam had compromised on a fun activity: mini golf. He had asked if you wanted to come, but you hadn’t wanted to impose. After you hung up, you wished you would have. If you had, at least he could have been there, he seemed to know all the ins and outs of you. His presence alone would have been enough to stop the oncoming slaughter of your emotions.

Immediately upon entering the house, he was so happy. It wasn’t until he saw your crumpled form on the living room floor that he knew anything was wrong. He ran to you, thinking the worst had happened.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” What was wrong? It wasn’t an emergency, no one had died or been injured. But, hell, what wasn’t wrong?

Your lack of answer worried him, and he picked you up from the floor, placing you on the couch. Even though you could barely speak, you appreciated the gesture. The wood floor was cold and hard and uncomfortable, and it only worsened how you felt. He sat down beside you, holding you to his chest, pulling a throw blanket over the both of you. Danny knew how to do everything right, and you felt horrible for not even being able to communicate to him how much you loved him.

It felt like hours before your voice, raspy from the crying, finally croaked out words. In reality, only ten minutes had passed, but that didn’t really mean anything.

“My mom called.”

Danny had never heard you speak about your parents. They never got brought up in interviews or in any stories of your childhood, and you had meant to keep it that way.

“Okay,” he eased, “what happened?” It wasn’t clear if he was asking about your relationship with your parentage or the phone call itself.

You closed your eyes, trying to focus on the feeling of his arms wrapped around you. “She saw an article, she knows we’re together, wants to meet you.”

It almost stung him, the implication that you hadn’t told your parents about your relationship. This wasn’t about him, though, so he pushed his ego aside to be there for you.

“Okay, baby, and why is that a bad thing?” It wasn’t judgemental, or harsh in any form. You knew you would have to tell him sooner or later, you had just hoped it would later, much later.

Tears welled in your eyes again, and you forced yourself to swallow that bulging lump in your throat. “Danny, my parents are - awful, and that’s putting it lightly. They’ve always been religious in the extreme, they practically disowned me when I told them I wanted to be a musician. I grew up being called horrible things: whore, hellbound, you name it, and that’s what I was in their eyes. They kicked me out when I was 15, and Reese’s parents took me in. I don’t hear from them much anymore, except for the occasional ‘happy birthday’ and ‘merry Christmas’ but even those have a lecture in there, somewhere.”

“Why haven’t you cut contact with them?” Again, it was simply a question. You knew he could never understand, his parents were lovely and supportive and everything yours weren’t. He was truly envied in that regard.

Shrugging heavily, you explained, “I guess I’m just always holding out, hoping they’ll drop it all one day and I’ll be their daughter again. I should’ve realized a long time ago that’ll never happen.”

“Hey,” he hugged you tighter, “you should never feel ashamed for wanting that connection. We’re designed that way, to want - need - our parents to love us. They should feel horrible for the way they treated you, that they would rather have the approval of the church rather than the love of their child.”

Danny was right, but it would never be that simple, and you both knew that.

“I hung up. On her, when she said it,” you admitted after a few minutes of thick silence.

“Said what, babygirl?”

“That she was ‘surprised a slut like me could settle down’. I hung up.” He placed a gentle kiss on your head, and you leaned back further into his embrace.

“I’m sorry.” He shifted behind you at your impromptu apology.

His voice, tone lace with confusion, asked, “For what?”

“That you’ve been at the short end of my religious trauma.” When he didn’t answer, still clearly confused, you explained, “I made you wait for so long, for everything. My parents convinced me that I didn’t deserve love, that I didn’t deserve someone like you. That shit’s ingrained in me, Danny, and I fought with myself for so long about letting you go, even when I didn’t have you. Fuck, I feel so guilty when we have sex because I can’t stop seeming to believe that I’m sinning. For fuck’s sake, I can’t even moan because I’m terrified that it would just prove that I’m going to hell.”

He stayed quiet for a second, letting your words ruminate. Then, he told you, “You don’t have to be sorry for that,” his use of your name was pointed, full of sympathy, but not pity, “you have nothing to prove to me.”

“It’s not even that!” You exclaimed, frustrated by your own admission, “I want you to know how good you make me feel, and the dumb, irrational part of my brain is telling me I can’t!”

His hand grazed your cheek, and it was slightly awkward because of your position, but sweet, nonetheless. “You hung up, it’s a start.”

For a minute, he thought you might be in your head about your decision. Much to his surprise, you popped up from your sitting place, turning around to face him.

“Let me tell you how good you make me feel,” you practically begged him, “I need you to know.”

“I-I don’t know, I don’t wanna take advantage of your-”

You cut him off with a kiss, “No, this is what I need.” He was still hesitant. “Danny, I don’t care about the whole thing, I want to move past it, live like you do, free.”

Kissing him once more, your hands traveled the expanse of his torso, and it felt different. It was free of guilt and panic. Boldly, you reached down to cup him through his jeans and he let out a groan, and you smiled. He never expected oral reciprocation, so - in worries that no longer plagued you - you never had. Extremely patient.

You tugged the hem of his shirt, and he raised his arms to allow its removal. Your lips followed a non-cohesive pattern down his chest until you reached his jeans. In a flurry of movements, you were pulling them and his boxers down his long legs, until he was finally fully revealed to you. Embarrassment was an emotion you no longer felt looking at his cock, and you took a much needed moment to revel in how beautiful it truly was. Your fingers dragged gently along the connecting veins, and finally the leaking tip. He shuddered from the contact, and threw his head back when you eventually took him in your mouth.

It was heavenly, the weight heavy on your tongue. You weren’t sure if it was your mouth or his skin that was so hot, but you used it to your advantage by blowing a thin stream of cool air onto the tip, and you thought he would convulse.

“God, you feel so good.” His voice was extremely shaky and raspy, and it reminded you of how he sounded in the morning or after rehearsal.

Trying to maintain some air of confidence and, more importantly, sexiness, you asked, “You like how my mouth feels, baby?” He could only nod as you sucked him back into your mouth. Despite having never given head before, you tried your best, and it seemed to be working well. His moans bounced off the open walls, and you looked up at him from your kneeling state.

“Danny,” he looked down at you, “I want you to fuck my mouth.” You weren’t a saint, you were a grown woman who had needs that sometimes required certain adult websites.

He let out a broken groan before pulling you up to him, “Next time, angel. Right now, I need to fuck you.”

You knew how Danny usually was in bed, so gentle and caring. He made it a point to always ask how you were doing, and how good you felt, but had never said anything so dirty to you. Your thighs pressed together, clenching to maintain some sort of friction for your core.

Pulling off your shirt, he let out a loving sigh at the sight of your uncovered chest. A bra had been forgone because of how you hadn’t even managed to change out of your pajamas. He leaned down to kiss and gently nip at the skin of your chest. You ground onto his thigh, hands tangled in his curls. It didn’t slip your mind, even in your haze, that his hand had slipped into your shorts, and his finger pressed into your clit. You had bitten your lip, in a force of habit.

When he noticed, his other hand’s thumb pulled the flesh from between your teeth. “Let me hear you, babygirl.” Danny’s finger pressed harder into the nerves of your cunt, rubbing a sinful pattern. A loud moan tumbled from you and it felt good.

For him to finally hear your pleasured sounds, it felt amazing. More importantly, it didn’t make you sick with guilt or the need to beg for forgiveness. Danny was high on the euphoria of hearing you, and you could tell, his eyes marred with lust. He looked as if he could cum from that alone, and he probably could, truth be told.

“Danny, please!” You begged.

“Please, what, sweetheart? What d’you want me to do, huh?” A viciously sweet swipe of his finger left you quivering with need. He knew exactly what you wanted - at this point, needed - but he just had to hear you say it. To hear those beautifully dirty words tumbling from your sweet lips would surely send him into a frenzy.

That’s exactly what you wanted. “Please fuck me, Danny.”

In a flash of skin and those wild curls, you were laid out on the couch, his arms pinning yours to the armrest. His cock teased at your entrance, and you begged him again. Your pleading didn’t go unrewarded, and he finally thrusted into you, gently so as to not hurt you. Begging him to go harder and faster, like you had always wanted but could never vocalize, he swore he was in heaven.

Danny’s teeth gently nipped at your neck before his lips found yours, and you took a moment to savor the feeling. It was what you always wanted, to love your boyfriend in a way that didn’t leave you feeling dirty or tarnished by sin, by your own perception.

You couldn’t even hear your own moans anymore, as they mixed with Danny’s own and the sound of your skin slapping together in a way that brought you closer to the edge of pure bliss.

“I’m gonna cum, angel. Are you gonna cum for me?” You nodded and let out a loud moan as his cock nudged that spot inside you that brought stars to your vision.

It became sort of blurry, the time it took for that feeling of wiry knots to snap, releasing a joyous tingling that spread to the tips of your fingers. You don’t remember what it felt like before it happened, you just remember it happening, and you were perfectly content with that.

“Where do you want it, baby?” Danny’s thrusts slowed, trying to prolong his own feeling of pleasure for your comfort. This wasn’t the first time he had asked, no, he had made sure to ask each and every time. In the past, you had let out low answers of your stomach or chest, but this time was different. It needed to be.

“I want it inside, wanna feel you everywhere.” With one last wild throw of his hips, he spilled into you, and you smiled at the feeling, kissing him as he rode out his orgasm.

Danny made sure to clean you up, running you a hot bath where he sat behind you. His long legs sat awkwardly in the tub, his knees raised above the water to make space for him. It didn’t matter though, you were both comfortable just holding each other. Because, in the end, that’s all you needed.

〚taglist〛

gvf: @doodle417 @brokenbellz @gretavanfleas @pyrojoshy @greta-van-chaos @xserenax-13 @hayley1623 @kdarling1 @autumns30 @keighoe

danny: @loofypoofy

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trv1z · 3 years

Note

May I request some Travis Phelps dateing headcannons?

— TRAVIS DATING HEADCANONS!

notes: ofc you can !! also, i expected this to be a mainly nsfw blog but honestly im ok with answering sfw asks !! im a sucker for fluff after all hehe /g

contains: gender neutral reader (no specified pronouns)

trigger warning(s): kinda angsty at the beginning, implied internalized homophobia but nothing too detailed

travis is a complicated dude. its pretty obvious, his dad, his behavior, his beliefs, he’s obviously not very fun to stick around at first

keyword(s): at first.

when you found out the note in the bathroom was written by travis, you just couldn’t help wanting to get him to know better.

it was not easy though, he kept telling you to screw off every time you spoke to him, but with a few talks he became more and more patient with you, he was still a huge hothead sometimes.

the more and more you guys talked, the more and more he opened up to you. if you’re also dealing with abusive parents or religious trauma, telling him about your experiences will make him feel seen, heard and finally taken seriously. but even if you’re not, he just appreciates having someone who will finally listen.

cue him confessing to you about how much he hates his father and how unsafe he feels in his own home.

eventually he started falling for you. which led to him distancing himself from you again. he just couldn’t stand seeing your face or your cute laugh, its crazy who the people that make us the happiest can make us the saddest.

it took a lot of time and reasoning, but he finally confessed his love by leaving a love poem on your locker,,,

after that you two got in a relationship without affirming you were dating, it was kind of a mutual understanding.

ok now to the ACTUAL dating headcanons

he sneaks out of his house at late night just to see you without his father knowing

he loves when you ramble about all the interests you have, as well as he likes telling you all about the books he’s reading.

we all know his fashion sense is horrendous, so make him experiment a little bit with his outfits !!

omg pls tell him all the jokes you know to make him laugh, his smile is adorable sighs loudly

i firmly believe that if he was friends with sal and the gang he would get into sanity’s fall, so if you’re also into that kind of music, concert dates are an absolute yes.

he has never had a significant other, so he’s really afraid he would mess this up.

he would NEVER pressure you into doing something, so when he asked you to go on a date with him, he really made sure you knew that

“...i mean its fine if you don’t want to, i don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, i don’t want you to feel pressured... im sorry, am i talking too much? just forget it, im really sorry—” “travis. it’s fine, i would love to go out with you.” “...okay.”

if you guys get a pet, it would probably be a stray cat travis found, he has a soft spot for abandoned animals,,,

loves seeing you wear his clothes, he may not say it out loud but you could just imagine the face he made when he saw you wearing his purple sweater

you guys ‘fight’ for the dumbest things, i feel like he would ‘fight’ you just bc you don’t like his favorite character lol

when you two are in public he doesn’t rlly like showing affection, but when you’re alone he like to be held and being taken care of <33

he loves rainy days because they’re so peaceful and plus he gets to spend time with you cuddling or watching movies together

ok i think this is a weird thing to say but i think you guys’ relationship would be the personification of the song ‘my heart is buried in venice’ by ricky montgomery and i love you if you understand what im saying

when gets jealous its not really ‘jealousy’ but its just him overthinking and being very clingy

<forehead kisses3

make sure to cook him some bologna when he’s having a bad day, its his comfort food !!

omg if you make him a playlist he will literally listen to it on repeat im not joking $:)&:&/‘!/;”

he isn’t so ‘loud’ about his sexuality like some people are, but considering the beliefs he was forced to follow and his son of a bitch dad, its very impressive that he feels comfortable enough in his identity to recognize the fact that he has a s/o. and he couldn’t ask for a better one.

#travis phelps #sally face #travis phelps headcanons #headcanons #sally face x reader #🗝.travis

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sideblogformindtrash · 3 years

Note

I'm sorry if the ask is long and weird, but I just wanted to say that thanks to Haru I started using gloves to avoid eating out my nails and it's been such a HUGE help

I think I'll stop using them once I have to return to campus but I've never had my nails this long it feels amazing, this morning I broke one of them on accident and it was sad, but also I had never broken a nail cause they never were long enough and it felt like I just reached a milestone in my process.

And lastly, I got curious and wanted to ask if it's ok, have any of your whumpees felt proud of something considered normal, bad or weird by society, but to them was a huge milestone in their recoveries?

(and sorry for my english, it's not my native language)

(no worries is not mine eihter-)

I'm so so so glad to know that helped you and proud of you! Although that was someting someone else suggested on the care package game! It's nice to know you are crossing that milestone and that my writing helped you somehow <3

As for them, it was a long journey so a lot of steps they all took, too.

For Haru, realizing he can still make music - even if just writing it and producing them - and also later, being able to at least somewhat face Farlan and tell him to screw himself. Seeing that he can work, that he is good enough, and learning to love himself and not hate his scars so much, starting to express a dressing style that is his and not just being dolled up by others.

For Blue, letting go of Warren and seeing how toxic that was, being able to paint his hair different colors, the tattoos he gets later on, and slowly getting less dependant on Bonnie - Although having her is still something that helps him so much, and it is considered weird. Slowly changing his pronouns back from it to him/his. Getting his teeth fixed. And he is very slowly working towards better hygiene and improving his relationship with his body. I’d argue running away to buy coffee was pretty helpful too even if it’s a joke mostly-

For Orfeu was realizing that he can be kind. He would have laughed his ass off before if anyone told him that people would love him for his kindness someday. Also cutting off some of his more negative clients, and starting to overall take better care of himself, even if he did this just to make sure he would be there for Haru and Blue. When he got into sex work it was actually huge for him as well. It was something he did enjoy doing, but he had to let go of a lot of religious related trauma/fear, even more as he discovered his sexuality. Accepting his body and teeth, as weird as they were. Smoking less is also something he is proud of.

#blue needs a tag #orfeu and haru #whorefeu #haru is bae

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thelavendercrows · 3 years

Text

My Review of Netflix’s Shadow and Bone! (show-only watchers beware, I spoil minor stuff about the books)

So! Shadow and Bone came out - og book fans will know it depicts the story of the first instalment of the Shadow and Bone trilogy, along with new unseen prequel content for Six of Crows. Some things are intentionally shifted around, especially in terms of timeline and who meets who, but if I had to quickly summarise my thoughts: THAT WAS SO GOOD! Sorry in advance if this review is absolutely incomprehensible!!!

Part 1: Characters

Alina - making her more assuredly half-Shu seemed to work, though I can’t speak on the topic as I am a pasty bitch. Otherwise, Alina remained largely the same and I’m here for it - she was already a pretty interesting protagonist imo. Nothing but love for Jessie’s performance, I loved seeing Alina’s growing confidence though I wish there were more training scenes.

Mal - they made him so much more interesting. Archie brought a lot to the character, and even though seeing Mal get fucked up every episode was a tad repetitive, I think it made him far more sympathetic and actually showed us that awful suffering he mentioned in the first book. Seeing his close friends die was just an incredibly powerful scene, and Malina feels a lot stronger with Mal being a more rounded character.

The Darkling - just because I dislike Darklina doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the Darkling as a character. While I dislike that he revealed his true name so casually, that he and Alina seemed to fall for each other so quickly (I liked it better in the book because she had more training scenes, indicating more time had passed for their relationship to develop), and that they removed “the problem with wanting is that it makes us weak” line, I do enjoy Ben’s portrayal of the character. He was rendered a little pathetic by the Crows, but I do love the Crows so I’ll excuse it. Where his character really shined is with the flashback scenes and his interactions with Baghra. I’m very interested to see what they do with him next.

Kaz - a lot of people have said Kaz is a lot softer than we’re used to. I agree, but it makes sense. Kaz was that mean but well meaning leader at the start of Six of Crows - he was only made harsher as he was forced to confront his traumas, and go on a difficult heist. Also, I think it gives a bit of context to why he and Inej end up having feelings for each other. We know in the books that they worked closely together for a long time, but actually seeing those moments makes all the difference. Freddy did an amazing job showing Kaz’s rough exterior battling his inner demons.

Inej - amazing, 10/10, can’t applaud Amita enough. I’m not sure about the choice to give Inej a brother? It could cause more grief later but it’s another weirdly jarring difference from the book. However! Inej was done perfectly in the show in my opinion. We see her stealth, knife and acrobatic skills, we see her initial horror at taking her first kill (amazing scene) and her motivations and religious beliefs are not ignored in favour of pairing her off with Kaz immediately. I do wish they kept Kaz gifting her that knife instead of Alina though. I always wanted to see that scene.

Jesper - DID YOU MEAN STAR OF THE GOD DAMN SHOW? Normally a comedic relief character has me rolling my eyes, but it makes all the difference that Jesper actually has troubles and flaws and motivations and HILARIOUS DIALOGUE. I love him. Kit Young did such a good job, he played Jesper perfectly and I also love the foreshadowing of Wylan’s appearance! Love love love Jesper. A+. Also he is bisexual look at him go!!! Representation!!!

Others: NINA AND MATTHIAS ARE AMAZING!!! ENEMIES TO LOVERS A+ EVEN IF THE TIMELINE IS ALL WEIRD. David and Genya. My loves. Perfect. A+ as well. Nadia, amazing. Very gay. Not sure why they killed Marie off like that. Pekka is scary but why did they make him kinda hot? Milo is my hero. I would die for Fedyor. ZOYA?? That is not my Zoya. Why did they make her say something racist to Alina when she herself is mixed race. Zoya would never. But all the actors did a great job even if the characters were a little different.

Part 2: Plot

The rest of these parts should be shorter. So, the plot is mostly the same in terms of Shadow and Bone, but the stuff for the crows is all new and some parts of the story were changed to include them. While the crows on their own were amazing, I think the parts where they interacted with the Shadow and Bone cast felt forced and added some good moments at best, or actively damaged other characters at worst. For instance, Inej witnessing Alina was amazing. But Kaz outsmarting the Darkling, while it made sense, just lessened the Darkling as a threat. Otherwise I think everything was really good! The new Crows stuff was brilliant on its own, even if Nina and Matthias’ story was moved forward I still adored it, and Shadow and Bone stayed loyal enough to the books in terms of plot to remain engaging.

Part 3: Worldbuilding

My main concern about the show was how they would handle the language differences, but they did a great job. Like, they had Fjerdans speak in their own language, they made a new alphabet for Ravkan? I think they know what they’re doing. Seeing the Crows and the Shadow and Bone cast communicate in the same language didn’t really make sense but that’s just a nitpick.

Also, all the settings look amazing. Not much to say, they’re just great.

Part 4: Effects

Music, perfect, visuals, great (the volcras look amazing but Alina’s light power looked a little...fake), costume design and props, best I’ve ever seen. Enough said.

Part 5: Final thoughts

When a book is adapted into a show or film, I usually just assume that it will serve its purpose, maybe be a little frustrating or terrible at worst, and go. Shadow and Bone though, it adapts the books faithfully while still including worthwhile changes. It isn’t perfect, but it comes close. I imagine show-only watchers will like it a lot.

Alternative take: Jesper and Milo carried the whole thing. Goodbye.

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nat-20s · 3 years

Text

MEDIA THAT I RECOMMEND YOU CONSUME INSTEAD OF SUPERNATURAL FOR BOTH HEART AND HEALTH BROKEN DOWN BY TYPE OF MEDIA AND WHY YOU MIGHT LIKE IT IF AT ANY POINT YOU, LIKE MY POOR POOR SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD SELF, WERE INVESTED IN THIS ABSOLUTE GARBAGE FIRE OF A SHOW

with apologies to anyone on mobile who’s readmore function APPARENTLY doesn’t work

(I haven’t watched supernatural for at least five years and, given any sort of luck, I will never do so again, do not @ me)

hello babes. I am talking to you know bc I keep seeing supernatural, unironically, on my dash, and I think we can all do better. I see what’s happening and I think: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hU3i_o5Xd4g

Supernatural is fudge stripes. You are Megan. We can fix this.

So a list of alternate things that I think are overall better written/characterized/just generally more enjoyable that might scratch some of those itches:

TV SHOWS

Good Omens

okay look if u were on tumblr last year u probably already watched this show but like. If u haven’t, it’s only six episodes babe and there’s a large enough fandom that u can go down a fanart hole for days on end

Basic summary: the antichrist has reached that lovely young age where he’s supposed to bring about the apocalypse. An angel and a demon who have decided that actually they like the world as is, thank you very much, try to stop the end times. They’re not very good at it though, which makes for a comedy of errors.

Shared elements with supernatural that you might Vibe with: theologic (mostly christian) exploration/parody/imagery without inherently being a religious show. Fighting off the apocalypse narrative, which I think pretty much always goes hard as hell, but that’s just me. There’s a gay angel who’s socially awkward. There’s a fun very British demon. Touches on the hierarchies of heaven and hell, with framing Heaven as a bureaucracy and blurs the differences between angels and demons. Pining. Tenderness. A deep nostalgia for 80s music, though in this case it’s specifically queen, and who doesn’t love queen. Main character has a weirdly strong bond with his black vintage car. Satan is (sort of) fought.

Gravity Falls

sometimes...things that are kids shows...with a set story and a predetermined ending...are better

(also this isn’t relevant to any of what I’m talking about but I really appreciate that Gravity Falls specifically went against the thing that most begged me about ATLA aka that a 15 year old girl would be like yeah I’m into a 12 year old boy because the 12 year old boy has a crush on me and I apparently don’t get to really have a say in this. How does that make sense.)

Basic Summary: Twelve year old twins Dipper and Mabel go to stay with their Grunkle Stan for the summer in a small Oregon town called Gravity Falls. Turns out this town is filled with all sorts of strange phenomena that they often have to confront, work around, learn about, or befriend!

Shared elements with supernatural that you might Vibe with: The core focus of the show is a close sibling duo, but like It’s obvious that the siblings actually like and love each other and while they have their spats it’s still incredibly clear that they deeply care about each other even with their differences LIKE SORRY SUPERNATURAL YOU CAN’T JUST TELL ME THAT SIBLINGS CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER AND THEN THEY SPEND ALL THEIR TIME FIGHTING AND LYING TO EACH OTHER AND GENERALLY ACTING LIKE THEY CAN’T STAND EACH OTHER’S COMPANY BUT THEN OOOHHH YOU CRY ON TOP OF THE HOOD OF A CAR EVERY THREE EPISODE AND SUDDENLY THEY’RE SOULMATES OR WHATEVER

Anyway. Yeah. GF has a solid sibling dynamic. Monster of the week that builds up to greater over-arching plot. A little bit of body horror, you know, for humor. Fair amount of meta humor playing with the tropes of the genre. A Good Ol Big Bad that tries to pit the siblings against each other. Have to fight the apocalypse (you’ll see this point on like a good half of these recs, I really like ‘what are we gonna do about Armageddon’ media). Interesting creature design. Planned, satisfying ending (which supernatural absolutely does not have, but I still think if it had ended with the season 5 finale like it uhh pretty obviously was supposed to, that would sort of counted. Don’t revive shows that have clearly already told their stories kids.) Tie in media that gives you some fun extra stories when you miss the characters. (yes I read some of the supernatural novels when I was a c h i l d, yes I’m pretty sure there’s one or two of them still buried somewhere on my laptop, no I don’t wanna talk about it.) Older father figure (?) who owns a tbh kind of shitty shop. Both already in place and found family.

It’s a good show, and it’s two seasons. John Mulaney Voice: I dunno it’s 40 episodes

MINI REC ALERT! (mini recs are basically things that I’m not gonna go into detail about for whatever reason [probably either due to i’m not familiar enough with it OR I just don’t like. Have a bunch to say about it in regards to how it will scratch the itches presented to u by spn] but still seem like a Good Watch)

Mini Rec: Over The Garden Wall. Spooky Kids Media! Episodic! Miniseries so you can watch it in like 2 hours! Cool ass Animation! About two brothers encountering said spooky stuff! Big Bad tries to pit brothers against each other! Might haunt you for the rest of your life! Check it out!

The Haunting of Bly Manor

I think about this show every goddamn day of my life. (Also not relevant but Greg Sestero makes a brief cameo in it and I was like hi greg my friend greg!)

Basic Summary: An girl named Dani, while staying in London, decides to take on an Au Pair job for two young children, an older brother named Miles (age 10) and the younger sister Flora (age 8) at the spoooooky and mysteeerious Bly Manor, and she gets far more than she bargained for.

Shared elements with supernatural that you might Vibe with: Okay so supernatural doesn’t actually do this but I know I KNOW why we let ourselves be queerbaited in 2012. Four words for you: CENTRAL! GAY! TRAGIC! ROMANCE! You want some pining? Some tenderness? Some LOVE? Some dealing with internalized homophobia but no, like, actual violent onscreen homophobia? HAVE I GOT THE SHOW FOR YOU. If ur favorite episodes where the ones that make you sob (for me it was kevin’s death on god), I recommend this show. If you wished that supernatural literally ever had consequences or perma deaths or didn’t retcon major plot events like every five goddamn episodes so that there could be some exploration of like grief and trauma through the lens of/ higher stakes of horror, I recommend this show. If you really do stay up at night picturing a supernatural that wasn’t made by dumbass cishettie white men hack writers but was actually allowed to have Dean and Cas be in love over the course of the show so they could have like actual development and not the most homophobic gay reveal of all time, I recommend this show. Hell, if you just want a banger ghost story in general, I recommend this show.

As for what they actually have in common: horror setting/aesthetic without actually being all that scary most of the time. A strong sibling duo, though they’re not nearly as much of the focus of Bly Manor. Found family. Strong themes of grief. Questions of what turns someone into a monster (and done much better) An actual, much better noble sacrifice done out of love. Escalation of stakes until there’s a big final confrontation. Semi-big bad trying to tear this family apart. Found and pre-installed family. Sad orphans.

Watch this show. Vibe with me. Cry with me. Yell at me about Owen Sharma

MINI REC ALERT!

Haunting of Hill House- spiritual predecessor to Haunting of Bly Manor, though they’re not actually the same universe/story. However, it’s made by the same dude and has a shared aesthetic/sensibilities/some of the cast. This is only a mini rec bc I haven’t actually seen it, but I’ve heard good things and that it, while much more heavily leaning into family dynamics, has similar themes of exploring Grief and Trauma through ghooossstttsss.

Community

Okay I know that this may seem like a Wild rec considering community is a school sitcom with basically Zero paranormal elements but just like. Hear me out. And no this isn’t just because I think it’s a realy good show and I want more people to watch it, though that is a factor. If I was just recommending comedies that I think are good and more people should watch regardless of them serving as a replacement for supernatural I would demand you all go watch Galavant and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. I’m gonna demand it anyway. Everyone go watch Galavant and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Now back to your original program:

Basic Summary: A group of students at Greendale Community College form a Spanish study group, and things quickly go Off The Fucking Rails in the best way possible.

Shared elements with supernatural that you might Vibe with: All right I’m gonna be real honest this rec is for all of my (correct) bitches who’s favorite episodes of Supernatural were French Mistake, Changing Channels, and/or Mystery Spot. You think if Supernatural would’ve been fucking fantastic if it had been a committed comedy instead of a CW melodrama that occasionally landed some admittedly really fucking funny episodes/concepts, Community (and the movies on this list) will gently take you into its loving arms and give you everything you desire. It’s about the Meta comedy. It’s about the discussion, exploration, and subversion of common tropes within the format. It’s about the grand use of group/ found family dynamics in order to max both the goofs and the heart. It’s about fantastic callbacks. It’s about having one of the few “asshole with a heart of gold” leads I can actually stand because. You know. Growth. It’s about the INCREDIBLE genre and pop culture parody. Which genre do they parody, you ask. All of them. They parody all the genres. The glee parody episode is a fucking masterpiece of television. If you don’t want to watch a show that features a Halloween party where everyone turns into zombies and the ABBA discography blasts in the background, you can stop reading right now, because I can guarantee you won’t be interested in a damn thing I have to say.

MINI REC ALERT: The X-Files. I’ve also never seen this but a: everything I’ve seen out of context has been fantastically weird and delightful b: it appears that there’s a general consensus that Scully and Mulder are one of the only valid straight couples so it’s probably pretty fun and c: let’s all be honest. Supernatural was already basically an x-files rip off, it had like half of their original writers swiped from the x-files crew, I’m pretty sure if you liked especially the first couple of seasons of supernatural, you’re gonna like the X-files.

Subcategory: TV SHOWS ( A WHOLE TWO OF ‘EM, OR MORE LIKE ONE AND HALF IF YOU WANNA GET TECHNICAL) I’M SPECIFICALLY RECOMMENDING FOR THAT COCAINE HIT OF PURE UNADULTERATED UNCUT 2012 TUMBLR NOSTALGIA

BBC Merlin

Yes, I know the show ended in 2010. Yes, it still provides that 2012 Tumblr nostalgia. 2012 Tumblr is a feeling, not an actual time period.

I love this stupid show. I plan on rewatching it all over the month of January. I harbor a deep amount of fondness for it. It’s why every time I see literally any depiction of Merlin I get just so fucking excited, and why I’ve consumed as many ridiculous Arthurian adaptations as I have (side note: my two favorite other ridiculous Arthurian legend adaptation are Avalon High, a DEEPLY silly DCOM that is required viewing to level up friendship with me, and The Kid Who Would Be King, which is the only movie that I think truly understands the comedic potential of playing a King Arthur Adaptation mostly straight but everyone in it is 12. I’m not sure it intended to be as fucking funny as it was, but again, they’re all middle schoolers. I have never been more jealous of an actor than I was of the 22 year old that got to play a 16 year old dumbass Merlin who was sometimes also Patrick Stewart and did all of his magic with ridiculous hand gestures That should’ve been me that should’ve been me that should’ve been me. Also Sword in the Stone by TH White is pretty good, because Merlin knows germ theory in the fantasy 400’s and he just uses it to be petty mostly. Also listen to High Noon Over Camelot by The Mechanisms. Also Also I tend to prefer family friendly adaptations because they don’t have the uhhh. You know. Incest and sexual violence of the original legend. Love to Not have that shit!) Whether you watched it initially and are due for a rewatch, or you’re intrigued enough by the concept of the show to watch it for the first time, you should join me on this wild wild ride.

Basic Summary: You know who Guinevere, Arthur, and Merlin are, come on. BBC said let’s make em all YOUNG let’s make em SEXY let’s make em FAMILY FRIENDLY and let’s make magic REALLY SEEM LIKE A THINLY VEILED ALLEGORY FOR BEING GAY BUT TO THIS DAY IM NOT SURE IF THAT WAS INTENTIONAL OR NOT BUT IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT WAS. @ THE BBC MERLIN CREATORS WHAT IS THE TRUTH BECAUSE THERE WAS SOME INTERVI-

Basic Summary but like a bit more helpful: A BABY version of Merlin (and by baby I mean like 20 year old.) is sent from his small town to the big city the Kingdom of Camelot to find his destiny. Staying with the town physician and friend of his mom’s, Gaius, he ends up as both his assistant and personal manservant to Prince Arthur. But in a kingdom where magic is punished with death and the prince seems hell bent on getting himself into situations that are going to kill him, the young sorcerer has his more than his share of work cut out for him.

Shared elements with supernatural that you might Vibe with: Primo supremo queerbaiting. Like, yeah, okay, it’s queerbaiting, you know it’s queerbaiting, but you watch some of the scenes and ur like okay. I know why I let this bait me. Obviously with a modern show, I would expect more, I would expect better, I would raise my standards, but I gotta admit. Some of these scenes are fuckin compelling as hell, and the subtext is like barely sub. Monster of the week shenanigans. Some awful CGI creatures but like a charming awful. Like the kind of awful that tells you their very limited budget was more focused on cool swords than realistic creatures. Episodic stories build into a more overarching plot, with things getting darker in season 4/5. Shitty father that end up eating shit and while the son of said father is rightfully conflicted and upset over the death it’s cathartic and victorious as all hell for the audience. Multiple hot evil women, and I love hot evil women. There’s also nice hot women, which is a bonus. These women don’t all immediately stupidly die, so that’s a nice change. Also like a LOT of sarcastic humor and shenanigans if u like Sass Merlin is there for u personally name a more iconic line than “Oh I’m sorry, how long have you been training to be a prat, my lord?” AND THAT’S IN THE FIRST FUCKIN EPISODE brilliant amazing fantastic show stopping. Also you know those like dumb hijink episodes where like Dean was possessed by the spirit of a dog or some shit? You bet your bottom fuckin dollar BBC Merlin has those kinds of storylines. Also I know some people go to spn bc it had that HUGE fanbase and like BBC Merlin’s fanbase is still SURPRISINGLY poppin even though it’s been a decade since there was new content so like. Have fun!

Doctor Who but Specifically the RTD Era

Look I’m not here to say that the first four seasons of reboot doctor who are the only good doctor who or inherently better than all the rest (though the RTD era is my favorite personally) BUT when ur seekin that sweet sweet superwholock frenzy nostalgia, this is the ‘who’ that is being referred to. Also like. Stan 9. We should all collectively stan the ninth doctor. Chris Eccleston, the Objectively Best Famous Chris, deserved better.

Basic Summary: An immortal alien that goes by “The Doctor” travels across time and space with a variety of different companions, often to try and save the day or fix a (sometimes self created) mess. It’s distilled campy sci-fi with a family friendly tone that has made me cry on several occasions.

Shared elements with supernatural that you might Vibe with: Monster of the week that, you guessed it, builds into bigger overarching plot style narrative. Fighting off the apocalypse, but like every couple of weeks because worlds are in danger a LOT. A semi-tragic romance that made people go absolutely buck fuckin wild bc pining n shit. Wamen, but they aren’t fridged. (actually for real though none of the main women die and I just think that’s really fun and flirty even though I could go on a COMPLETELY SEPARATE rant about the injustice of one of the character’s ending YES season 4 is my favorite season and one of my favorite pieces of media ever and I am currently actively recommending it to you YES im still fucking pissed over how it ended YES we exist) Specifically, a Wonderful and Very Excellent woman named Donna who goes on a spa trip that doesn’t end up going very well. That seems like a highly specific example, and it is, but it did happen in both shows. (Also, to anyone that continued watching SPN after like idk season 9 what happened to Donna? I always liked her and I know she became a recurring character so like DM whatever probably injustice was the end of her story line pls and thank you) I’m also extra specifically recommending for Supernatural Fans and also The World At Large: Season Four of Reboot Who. I rewatched it last year and it still goes so fucking hard. Donna Noble is the best character in existence. In regards to the appeal for SPN, personally I think the best part of SPN was when people who are soulmates went on adventures and tried to save the day and it was a good mix of banter and sincerity AND GUESS WHAT’S BASICALLY THE ENTIRETY OF SEASON 4 OF DOCTOR WHO. It’s so good y’all I wish Everything was about soulmates going on adventures and trying to save the day.

OKAY TV SHOWS DONE TIME FOR M O V I E S which I don’t have nearly as many recs for but uhh here goes

What We Do In The Shadows/ Shaun of the Dead

I’m lumping these two together bc my reasons for recommending them are largely the same, and I would call them tonally similar enough that if you like one you’ll probably like the other

Basic Summary (Shaun of The Dead): Uh-oh! London’s had a break out of some of that good ol’ zombieism. Shaun and friends decide to hunker down in a local bar, but they have to get there first. Will they survive? Will they fuck up some zom zoms? Who’s to say?

Basic Summary (What We Do In The Shadows): Some vampire roommates dick around. I think there’s technically, like, a plot, but it’s really just about some vampires Doin Their Thing. Vibin.

Shared elements with supernatural that you might Vibe with: This is kind of similar to the Community recommendation, in that supernatural had the opportunity to be one of those things that was both a parody of a genre but also just a really good example of the genre. WWDITS and SotD are both those things for vampire and zombly movies, respectively. Have the aesthetic and some of the themes of a horror but is not actually all that scary. Horror Comedy is a god tier genre and I don’t know why it’s not more widespread. Fun monsters/cast of characters in general, so at least one person in it is probably going to make you go “oh gender” ya know? With SotD you have the fantasy power trip that comes with like any piece of media that involves hunting monsters. With WWDITS I go “yep that’s how bisexuals dress” and I Will Not Clarify which character I’m talking about.

MINI REC ALERT: All of Taika Watiti’s filmography. Thor:Ragnarok is one of like 3 marvel movies that I consider genuinely fucking fantastic completely independent of the MCU and my own tendency to be like “hurr bdurr I love. Superheros”. For the one that is most tonally like Supernatural But Significantly Better and Written By Someone Competent I think I would say try out Hunt For The Wilderpeople. It’s got a reluctant curmudgeonly father figure and I KNOW some of you motherfuckers were so invested in spn when you were like 16 bc you had daddy issues. This is a callout post for my friend [REDACTED], who I should text to watch Hunt for the Wilderpeople, actually.

MINI REC ALERT X2!!!: Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I’ve never seen it but it has both Winona Ryder AND Keanu Reaves so like. Goth bi rights.

Happy Death Day (and Happy Death Day 2 U)

happy death day was one of those movies that I saw the trailer, went “eh”, heard other people say it was great, watched, and went holy fuck this slaps. Not nearly as much of a slasher film as the trailers implied if im remembering the trailer correctly

Basic Summary: Our main character Tree keeps waking up on the day she was murdered. The day resets every time that she dies. That’s right, it’s a time loop storey babey!!!!!!!!!!!

Shared elements with supernatural that you might Vibe with: If you were anything like me you were foolishly lulled into supernatural for way longer than you should’ve been on the promise that the characters would idk like grow and change and become better and learn lessons and some of that would be through the power of receiving love and kindness. You know. Like how good writers would do it especially if their main characters are kind of dicks that really should make some changes. Well, Happy Death Day fucking delivers on that promise in SPADES. It’s about growth! It’s about change! It’s about making the active decision to become a better person and putting effort into doing so! There’s heavy themes of like grief and trauma and acknowledging them and facing them head on in order to move on and the negative consequences of refusing to do so and just trying avoid it until it goes away. There’s a romance that makes my dumb little self do the pleading face emoji. Tree is also one of the only good asshole with a heart of gold characters. I also think media is improved by having at least one character that is a Good Good Boy (note: Good Good Boy character does not have to be a man.) and Happy Death Day has Carter. Oh on that note: Tree Voice: I’ve only had character for (the same repeating over and over) a day but if anything happens to him I’ll kill everyone here and then myself. Also the movie is funny so like hell yeah.

that’s all I got for relevant movies right now

BOOK RECS

jk i’m illiterate. Everyone should feel free to go ahead and add their own suggestions for this section The best I can do is uhhhh I think y’all would probably like Mira Grant’s novels, particularly the Newsflesh stories, bc sibling dynamics. Also the book The Haunting of Hill House is really good. Ballad of Black Tom slaps? There’s of course the Good Omens novel that the show was based on. I’m about to recommend some podcasts after this section which will include to Welcome to Nightvale because of course it will and the tie in novels for that slap, especially It Devours!, and I’m pretty sure they work as stories even if you know nothing about the podcast. Also also I think you should read “The Long Way to A Small, Angry Planet” by Becky Chambers It’s not thematically similar to supernatural at all but it’s one of my all time favorite sci fi novels and only like four people have read it which is a goddamn TRAVESTY.

Anyway yeah that’s it that’s all there is. Onto the medium that is like books but I can fold laundry or cook while consuming their narratives.

PODCAST RECS

Okay so this is getting uhhh wicked long so I’m gonna limit myself to only three full blown recs and a

mini rec

Alice Isn’t Dead

Fuck me running this show is so good. Literally hands down my all time favorite (and scariest!) horror podcast. Mamma mia, that’s a good fuckin story. The Book version is also good and has fewer Weird events but some further character development so I recommend them both.

Basic Summary: After her wife Alice disappears mysteriously, Keisha takes up a job as a long haul trucker, traveling all across America in order to find her, but ends up finding so much. Pursued by a deadly creature she calls The Thistle Man, the stakes of her journey are raised.

Shared elements with supernatural that you might Vibe with: okay so I have a lost of bullet points of things that appealed to me specifically about supernatural and how no other shows covers all of them which sucks bc it means I basically Yearn for a show that’s supernatural but good. Alice isn’t Dead, however, hits the most of these bullet points AND is so fucking good. It has monster hunting. It has stopping a cataclysmic event BUT also discussion of the cyclical nature of events such as these and how the fight never truly ends but you can make some fucking progress nonetheless. It has a central gay romance that’s actually a central gay romance. It’s the ONLY show on this list that really hits that the weird and dark underside of americana vibe but specifically the americana of not like suburbs and shit but that eerie haunted feeling you get when you’re hours into a late night drive on open roads with no civilization around and an expansive sky and it just Seems like something should be watching you. Have you ever been out for a walk at midnight and encountered a deer and you looked into each other’s eyes and it felt like it was telling you a message that you couldn’t possibly hope to parse? Have you ever felt an incredible sense of deja vu eating in a restaurant you couldn’t have possibly been in before, because you’ve been to a thousand diners a thousand times just like one, and there’s an incredibly sense of homogeneity even though you’re 2000 miles away from anyone and anything that could possibly know you? Have you ever traveled to an area that seems to be stuck in a bubble of time, the only thing that shows any evidence of having aged past 2006 being yourself, and you wonder how your cell phone even works around here? THAT’S the spooky americana I’m fuckin talking about! Messed up road trips! Too much goddamn space! America is scary because it’s big and Filled With Things but also Not Enough Things! Fuck yeah!!!!! That time bubble fuckin EXISTS in Wyoming the most recent song on the radio I heard was fuckin Hey Soul Sister!

Also has a thing where like are there even good guys and bad guys in a conflict or is it all just one umbrella nightmare that you’re trying to stand against in anyway possible (u kno..like how the overarching structures of both heaven and hell were kinda fucked in spn? No spoilers but similar shit be happenin in Alice Isn’t Dead). Exploration of what makes someone into a monster, like how do you go down that path? Also this is the only show on this whole damn list that southern gothic music really suits it so points for that.

The Magnus Archives

You know I had to do it to ‘em.

Basic Summary: Jonathan Sims has just become the Head Archivist at the Magnus Institute, a “research” “facility” that looks into paranormal/esoteric/unexplained phenomena.

John Mulaney Voice, Again: Nobody knows what the archivist is going to do next, least of all the archivist. He’s never been in an archives before, he’s just as confused as you are.

Shared elements with supernatural that you might Vibe with: Oh fuck this document is over 5k long I said I wasn’t gonna do this hhhhh so lipton lightning round: Slowburn Gay Romance but Actually Canon, Monster Hunting but Hey What Even Is A Monster Anyway, Acts Somewhat like a Loosely Connected Horror Anthology until it DOESNT, Little Things Build to Bigger Narrative, Characters Be Goin Through It (On God These People Need Therapy), Trying to Prevent/Fix The Apocalypse (X2!!!), Smug Asshole Big Bad, Horror as a Metaphor For Various Shit, Basically if you thought that the Men of Letter concept slapped and you think it should’ve been the whole damn show including being Deeply British you would probably really fuckin like TMA. Also if ur like the ideal piece of media is a horror tragedy but also like it’s a wacky sitcom but also also fuck cops. U will like tma.

Welcome to Nightvale

IF ANY 2012 TUMBLR FANDOM DESERVES TO MAKE A MASSIVE COMEBACK AND BE EVERYWHERE AGAIN AND ABSOLUTELY FLOOD MY DASH IT’S WELCOME TO NIGHTVALE WHY DID WE ABANDON THE SHOW THAT TREATED US THE MOST KINDLY DID YOU KNOW THAT EPISODES 108-110 ARE THE BEST FUCKING BUILT UP NARRATIVE REVEAL THAT I HAVE WITNESSED IN MY LIFE DID YOU KNOW THAT IT CONTINUED TO BE REALLY FUCKING GOOD AFTER MOST PEOPLE STOPPED LISTENING DID YOU KNOW CECIL AND CARLOS ARE MARRIED AND THEY HAVE A DOG AND A TODDLER NOW BECAUSE OF ALL THE GAY PODCAST PROTAGONISTS CECIL GERSHWIN PALMER LOVE OF MY LIFE ELDRITCHIAN CHEERLEADER AND CERTIFIED BIMBO KEEPS FUCKIN WINNIN BABY. DID YOU KNOW THAT CECIL THINKS PEANUT BUTTER IS A ROCK.

Basic Summary: Welcome to the sleepy desert town of Ņ̶̏ight V̶͚̰̮͗̔̊̊ale! Community radio how host Cé̵̟͚͕̗̞̙͂͑̽̄́c̵̤̼̞͈̪͓̍̽̋̚̕͜il Pǎ̵̧̨̢͚̻̈̂̄̇͐̇̊̀̆ͅl̶͚͎͕͉͖̬͓͑́̐̒̍̿̈́͢͜͝ͅm̸̧͙̟̖̠̳̬͋́͋́͌̚̚ͅȩ̙̖͎̖͂́̒͐͜͞r̢̢̛̰̻̮̺̩͙̼̈́͋̀͘ is here to k̠̠̰̦͙̯̥̎̄̆͌̎̀̿̔̌̚ê̷̢̬̥̞̩̯̘͒̽̈̓͐̂̔̍e̶̡̝̗̺̫̪̜͆̓̿̈͌͌̆͒͞ͅp̵̹̗̬̼̠̬͙̏͐͐̉̅͊͊́͟͞ͅͅ ỷ̛͙̞̦̦͖̑̉̌̎͞͡͡͝ͅo̧̧̥͎̻̥̲͇͋́́̔̈͌͞ǔ̸̬̯̫͇̦̮͕̤̲̯̽̔̀̔͆͋̈́͘̚ up to date all the local happenings, including w̸̢̢̢̧̡̡͍͖̻̳̹̼̼̰̬̭̱͔̲͙͍̰̠̥̺̝͖̺̖̼̮̼̞̳̞̜͉̤̯͇̖̳͖̠̙̺̲̤͇͈͚͓̮̭̱̭̩͚̟̥̬̟̻̝̼̖͚̘͐̆̅̂̃̈́͆͊̉̏͒́̈́̋͗͑̄̉́̐̌́̿̌͛̾̎̊̾̃̈́̉̔̍̐͛̕͘̚͜͜͠͠é̵̢̡̧̨̨̡̧̨̡̛̹̥̥̞̮̯͙͈̻̝͓͖͙̦̰͍̖̜̲̰̞͎͈̭̯̳͕̗͓͈̭̫̼̯̪̞̯̰̲̘̭͎̪̱̗̝̝̞̤̱͉͙̯͎̬͎̙̜̗͉̩̦͕̪̳͇͙̺̙̰̠͚͎̜̠͔̬͎̺̣͕̜̊̓̃̐̂́͂̎̐̾̔̽̀̉́̍̊̂̿̎͂͐̎̐̄̍̔̋̐̃͗̈́͂̀̒̊̎͘͘̕̚̕͜͝͝͝͠ͅͅa̸̡̧̡̡̨̡̨̛̛͙̣̘̳͎͖̥̝̟̱̩̥͙͉̝̲̙̮̩̩̹̱͔͎̥̹̻̜͚̭̬̳͚̤̙̖̯͎̱̫̞̪̻͖̱̞͔̭̻̺͚͚̯̬͓͓̳͇̳̦͓̞͈̮̤̭̣͉̲̞͚̘͗̆̃͌̅̍͊̓̈̇̌̒͊͑̊̏̊͌̈̓̿͗̒̏̒͊͒̏̃̎̒̀̅̾̍̀͘͘͜͝͠ͅt̵̢̡̨̧̧̛̛̛̯̤͓̘̻̤͓̪̰͔̪̝̫͎̻͔͈͎͔͙͕͈̰͓͍̀̏͒̆͋̈́̈́͂̔͋͆͂̅͗̍̆̍̆̔̑͊̏̈͒́̽͊́̿͂́̓͛̽͐͌̌̐̈̇̃̓̆̍̅̃̔̚̕͜͝͝͝ͅͅh̸̨̨̡̢̢̡̢̧̡̧̢̡̨̡̭̜̬̬̙͕̗̙̻̯̠̘͙̻̥͉͚̼̗͚͇͉̰͍̥͉̗͎̬̫͖͉͔̼̮̯̞̫̬̟̻͉̖̙̥̫͖̬͚̟̜̭͇͎̭̘̝̲̤͕͎̰̭̗̯̮̤̙̙̯͍̞̭͚͔͎̞̹̲̟͉̩̭̖̱̠͍̺͈̟̩̋̆̈́͆̍̆̄̏͜ͅͅȇ̸̢̢̨̨̧̛̜͍̺͎̬̪͙̻̝̣͓͈̺̩̳̟̲̠̣͈͎͎͈͉̙̪͖̳̺͇̹̊̍͊͑̿͊̌͛̿̓͊̾̀͂͛̉͆̾̽͆̈̏͛̊͛̍̈́̇͋̔͂̑͐̂̿͊̽͑͘̚͘͝͝͠͝ͅͅŕ̵̨̡̨̨̢̧̡̧̨̘̟͙̦̲̲̪̦̙̼̠̳͚̞̦̞͖͚͇̳͖̲̭͕̜̫̳̖̙͖͉͎̘̘̤̠͈̬͕̝̻͚̥͍͕̠̥͙̙̪̖̯͍̘̘̲̣̹̜̪̲̭̟̮̫̖̤̰͔̩̩͉̲͚̟̝̦̬̪̘̬̮̱͔̻̦̼̃̐̂͋̐̅̋͒̉͛́̅̈́̒̒͆̑̆͊̒͒̀̍̈́̍͌̍̏̔͋͌̒̍̌͛̓̈̂̐̕͘͘͜͜͝͝͝ͅͅͅ ̶̢̡̨̛̠͇̹̯͕͍̻̟̼̼̗̩̱̗̙̱̥̜̬̫̜͎͉̺̣͓̟̯̱͖̣̞̠̝̥͍̲̳̙̠͔̹̘̲̲̻̖̈́̊͋͜͜ą̵̡̧̟͕̬̳̜͈͈̳̝̜̣̬͔͈͈͎͉͍̯̟̞̺͎̝͇̰̥͖̬̯͙̤̬̼̲̦̯̭͓̠̺̳̱̰̮̎͋͆̈́͌͆̎̉̓̇̐͋͋́̃̉̈̄̏̓̉̿̅̒̉̒̉͂͛̄̀̇̒͊͛́͊̎́͆̌̆́̌͂̈́̽̋͛͗̑̊̀́̍͊̌͆͊͐͆̅̒̊̉̾̄͛̑̕͘͘͘͘͝͝͝͝͠͠͝n̸̡̛̛̛̛̛̙͎̬̦̠̼͓͈̝̾̍͑͛̅̒̾́̌̍͛̇̋̇̓̏͛̔͛̈́͆̿̌͐̿͊̿́͒̍̃̀̈͐̐̆͐̉̒̂̉̀̅̇̾͋̍͒̋̈̌̿͒͐̍́͗̀̌̌̚̕̕̕͘̚͘͘̚͜͠͝͝͝d̴̡̢̢̛̛̛̺̠̳̬͎̞̲̣̲̱̳̪̹͉̝̠̱̗̙̫̠̹̼̙̝͉̲̟̮̙̙̮̻̹͈̦̙̞͚̜̙̖̞͓̙̭͉̃̽̌̅̔̾̈́̒̽͑́̒͋̓̈́͆͋̽̒̃̽̋̐͌͂̍͑́̽̋̍͗̋͗͂̅̽̈̈̾͐̄̃̕̕͜͠͠͝͠͝ͅͅ ̵̡̡̢̛̛̗͚͍̺͇̲̳̯͓̰͍̙̮̙̜̟̞̣̼͕̝͔͙̺̫͈͈̠̻̘̱͍̦̭͔͈̤̺̗̮͕̦̞̘͍̯̻̝͓̤̳̫͔̩͉̬̈́͋̈́̐͒́̔́́̿̓̆͐̎͆̇͒̄̈̿̓̑̾̏̔̿͊̌͆͒̒͊̓̅̓́̔̅̀̀̀̃̿̂̑͂͆̅̎̾̏̓̂̈́͛͌̇̾͌͐̈̂̆͐̅̓̍̓̃̆͗̃͛̏̒̌̀̅͊́̽̐̆̿́̌͘͘̚̕͘̕̕͜͜͜͠͝͠͝͠t̷̢̥͓̄͗̾̄̅̚͜r̵̨̡̨̧̧̢̛̛̛̛̛͍͙͚̥̱̞̜̦̜̼̺͉̠̬͎̰̻̜̼̫̤͓͖͖̤͇̞̥̖̈́͊̆̓͊̑̑̋̒̈́̔̆͆́̐͛͑͊͋̇̈́̓̑̍̏͐͛̽̋̎͑̃̈́͒̇̂̇̌͂̀̍̊̇̓̋̈́̌̏̕͘̚̕̚͝͝͠ǎ̴̡͓͓̯̘̥̱̱͖̦̺͓̘͉͖̞̟̦͈̜̥̰̘̞͈̦̠̼̯̙̭̼͚̟̖̲̠̝̜̐̅͆̏̈́̍́͂̃̾͑̓͋̽̄̾́̾̆̾͒͋̎͂̈́͘̕̕̚͜ͅͅf̷̢̡̡̧̢̨̡̧̢̢̧̡̧̫͖̖͇̲̫̮͕͉͓̩̪̳̹̩͎̖̟̤̤̲̟̪̫̻̻̖̟̦͉̼͎͖̭͍͖͎̖̳̳͙̜͉̝̘̺̖͚̙͉͕͙̯͖̞͚̮̲̻͉͙̺̭͓͎̤͙̦̦̺̯͕̜̰͍̳̙̦͉̪̥́͋̓̅̀͋͐̀̄̊̆̉̒̐͒̀̏̈̇̊̉̆̐̏̾̀̀̓͛͆̍̾͗͌̀̄̔͒̀̍̈́͆̔̒̑̏̍̏͆́̾̐̂͋̂̔̂́̓̓̌͌̉͛́̒̐̽̏́̑͊́̌̆̂̑͋̇̈́͌̑̿̅͗̚̕͘̕̚͜͠͝͝͠͠f̴̨̨̛̹͌̂̓͌͛̀͑̾̓̍͗̽͆̉̊͗̇́̍͌̊͐̔̈́̊̇͆̄̃̑̕̕͘͘͘͠͝͝͝͠i̴̧̡̢̢̧̢̨̨̧̧̧̛̛͎̗̳̦̘̙͓̦̙͔̜̼̘͇͇̺̭͉̠̩̟̤̥̘͙̤̩͔̪̱̻͈̪̼̼̞̠͎̟̹͕̻̭̤̪̲͕̟̺̻̻͖͕͚̣͇̖̰̝̩͈̤͕͇͕̝͙̙̪͔̗̫͇͎̙̲̲͖̗̘͉̲̣̤͎̔̐̆͒̄̈́̀̎̃̃̅͆̌̈́̽̈́̅̈́̑̄̇͒͐̀̐̀̒̍̀̓͌͗̓̽́͗̓̎͂͛̅̑̔̀͛̈́̽̾̃̊͊͆̄̍͑̍̆̌̾͗̄̊̽̉̅̆̀̎̀͑̿̎̋̄̆̃͐̾̏͛͒̍̋̅͘̕̚̕̕͜͜͝͝͝͝͠ͅͅc̷̛̛͚̝̻̣̞̓́̃́̀̃̓͗͌̂͛́̒̊͑̓͆̇̈́͑̏̆̀͌̑͂͂̄͌̉̔̋́̎͒̿͗͒͛̇͛̿̎̍̕̕̕͝͝͝͝͝ ̴̢̧̛̺̘̹̯̤̩̘̯͔̞̟̬̠̣̟̓́͌̈́̈́̀͌̄͂̌̾́̍̔̊̓̿͋͂͋̈́̋́́̒̓̀̒̃͂̀͑̐͛̆̆͒̈́̅̿͊͌̍͗̌̌͆̂͌́̉̏̒̓͊̾̒̓̋̽͐̏̾͘̕͝͠͝ͅ��̡̨̢̡̨̡̢̢̻̥̜̤͔̥͕̠̥̞͎̗̩̱̮͉͔͎̲̯̱̙̜̥̳̮͔̦̣͖͔̜͉̗̪̳̹̦̤͇̣̙͕̯̫̖̝̼̹͍̠͎͓̗͎̦͓̲̯̱̠̰͇̮̹͔̝͉͙̹̜̹͈̹̥͖̣̳̲͖͜ͅr̸̨̢̛̪̞̬͓͔̥̤̣͔̭̥̙͉̦̗̠̳̩͙̂̈́͑͑̿̋̓̀͋͆̋̕͝͝ë̴̢̡̨̬͈͉̖̞͔͎͓͖̼̘̬͕̰͈̥͈̝̩͎͉͉̫̜͚͕̤͔̟̯͓͎̟͙̜̭̩̗̮͎̗̤͇̝̩͎̜̺̯͕͇̝͎̯͙̖͙̮̗̮̘́̑͑͛̂̅̄̌̽̓̒̾̿͆̏̏͐͛̾̂̃͑͆̅̄̿͋̅͂̈́̽͋͒̎͐̒̓͆̌̉͑͊́̀̈̾͛̋͑̋̎̈̀̽̀͊̏͘͝͝͝͝͠͝ͅp̴̧̧̡̢̢̢̛̛̛͚̟͓̖̭̪̻̪̲̬̥̙̥̰̼̹͎͕̪̞̮̺̰̬̘̫̤͉̦͙̮̖̙̹̻͔̖̮̲̞̣̻̜̠͇̬͚̱̦̼̲̮̀̂͌̍̈̒̍̋̌̏͐̓͛̉̂̈̀͑̈́͊͗͋͗́̂̎̎̃͆͒̅̑̇́̈͐̾̀̔̒̉͑͒̅̓̈́̋͋̀̍̄̿̌̀̉͆̇̔̈́͗̋̄̓̇͗̎̉̆͊̒͗̚̕͘͘̕̕̚͜͜͝͝͠͠͠͠͠ͅͅͅơ̶̢̡̧̨̡̛̛͔̦̼̰̠̯̰̟̲̣̜͙̲͙̪̱̱͕̺̪͈͉̺̻̙̥̲̩̲̩͔̠͚̩͓̞̠̯̟̫̣̗̦̰͉͚͙̺͎̼͖̥̙͈̯̲̝̞͎̻͕̮͔̰̖͔̭͙̩̼͔̫̹̘͓͔̜̘͍̍̅̄͋͑̋̍̊̉̄̈̽̈͐̀͌͐̆͊͂̐̋̃̎͆͛̐̀̂̿̈́͂́̈̌͐̇̀̒͋͑͐́͌̐̇̊͆̀͂͋̏́͋͆̏͗͂͑̂̓̽͘͘̚̕̕̕̕̚͘͜͜͠͝͝ͅͅͅr̴̨̨̨̧̨̛̘͕͈͔͙̠̬̯̩̗̰̗̬̦͈̗̝̣͓͓̟͕͙͈̠̘̻͓̭̝̘̦̦͓̭̘͙̻̙̼̩̰̝͈̱̝̱̬͉͙̣̖̮̲͈̙̱̩̣͕̦̰̮͔͈͓̙̮͍̳̟̠̞͎̱̣̰͕̩̝̲̝͐́́̍̈͐͋̐̑̌͋̓̈́̈͗̿̈̈́͗̑̚͜͜͜͜͜͝ͅͅţ̴̢̨̧͇͉͎̣̬̣̝̗̬̹͇̮̞̈́̐̌̇̈́̌͊̐̅̂̌̂͒͌́̈͌̂̊͗̍̿͑͋̎̓͂̀̎̎͒̾̏̒͌̃̄͋̌̾̍̈́̐̏͑̊̍͑͆̉̓́̆̌̾̓͊̊̈̑͘̚̕͘͘̕͝͝͝͝͝s̴̢̢̡̛̬̹͚̻͉̦̦̣̦̠̜͕̤̳͓͙̟̬͕̘̦̿͗̉̏̒͆̓̄͊͌͛͂͑̒̃͛͘͜͝͝!

Shared elements with supernatural that you might Vibe with: Honestly, probably bc Nightvale and Alice are by the Same Dudes, a lot of these points are the same as Alice Isn’t Dead, but it’s less scawy and more funney. Also hits the “horror, but make it kind of a sitcom” vibes. Doesn’t have the same road trip vibes, but DOES capture the exact weirdness of South Western USA, so I’m still giving it “fucked up americana” credit. If you’ve never been to New Mexico ur like this is an exaggeration clearly no desert town is subject to like ACTUAL cosmic horror and unexplainable sights but I’m telling you New Mexico is just Like That. (I highly recommend visiting the land of enchantment if you ever get the oppurtunity it is a deeply odd and wonderfully unsettling experience.) Look man it’s gay it’s a horror comedy cecil has a wonderfully soothing voice and it hates capitalism so fucking much like oh my god so much what more could you want.

MINI REC ALERT: Wolf 359! I have nothing deep to say about this I just like it and my gut tells me that y’all would enjoy it too I know there isnt much for physical descriptions in the show but I know in my heart that the main character is so so pretty and so so stupid. I KNOW yall like some himbos that experience character growth.

Okay since It’s my party and I’ll speak if I want to rapid fire list of podcasts I just like and want more people to listen to even though I’m behind on like all of them shhhhh: The Penumbra Podcast, BomBARDed, Dungeons and Daddies, Stellar Firma, Wonderful!

SONG RECS

okay these aren’t like replacement recs or anything they’re just really good and I almost certainly would have put them on some sort of supernatural playlist in 2013 but I don’t, like, have a good playlist for them now so I’m subjecting y’all to them also they all have the youtube link for ease of access

Woah There Kimmy- Felix Hagan & the Family

Devil’s Backbone- The Civil Wars

Blood On My Name- The Brothers Bright

Awake O Sleeper- The Brothers Bright

The Bottom of the River- Delta Rae

Old Number 7- The Devil Makes Three

The Bullet- The Devil Makes Three

In Hell I’ll Be In Good Company- The Dead South

Bartholomew- The Silent Comedy

Pomegranate Seeds- Julian Moon

Curses- The Crane Wives

Tongues & Teeth -The Crane Wives

OKAY THAT’S IT! THAT’S ALL FOLKS! FUCK!

#long post #if you didn't want this blame of-mice-and-mentality for enabling me posting #supernatural

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cafedanslanuit · 3 years

Text

✦ • ° *. — Ｓａｅｒａｎ＇ｓ　Ａｆｔｅｒ　Ｅｎｄｉｎｇ — . * ° • ✦

chapter guide | chat with me | maybe a coffee?

summary: Saeran has finally found MC and is ectasic to finally be able to enjoy the good ending his tumultous life has reached. But with Saeyoung still missing and Mint Eye around, his happiness may have to wait a little more. Was love really capable to win against his inner demons or will he have to learn to fight for himself?

chapter warnings: [check chapter guide for story warnings] mentions and/or descriptions of night terrors

c h a p t e r f o u r — it’s not like me to be so mean you’re all i wanted

“Are you sure about this?” MC asked as she stepped into Jumin’s office. He closed the door behind her and sat on one of the sofas, inviting her to do the same.

“I already told you it’s more than okay. We have an interior designer but I… I am discontent with how this office looks. I want to change it and you need a job, what’s there more to ask?”

“I guess you’re right,” she replied with a smile, taking out a notebook from her purse. “I guess I was just worried you would have a problem with your father about hiring a different interior designer.”

“Not at all, I made all the normal paperwork C&R asks for a new employee, like a background check and some other revisions. You will also get the benefits freelancers get from our company, in case you were wondering.”

MC shot her eyes up at Jumin. He looked back at her, his eyebrow slightly raised. The silence between both of them became thick, the notebook on MC’s hands trembling slightly

“You’re worried about what I saw on the background check,” Jumin rationalizes, crossing one of his legs over the other one. MC nodded, her eyes darting from her notebook to the man sitting in front of her. Never before had she felt so vulnerable with someone from the RFA.

All this time, she believes only Saeyoung knew about it, since he was a hacker. She had done the best to hide her steps, never commenting on anything she shouldn’t have, knowing that even though Saeran was a better hacker than Saeyoung, he trusted her enough to not dig around her past and she planned to keep it that way.

She would tell him eventually, she had told herself. When she was ready.

“You shouldn’t worry about that. It’s not like you did something wrong,” the man in front of her said. “By your reaction I assume no one knows? Well, Saeyoung probably does. Does Saeran…?” MC shook her head. “I see. Well, he won’t hear it from me,” he assured her. “You can stop worrying about that.”

MC stayed in silence for another moment and then opened her small notebook with a long sigh.

“I’m guessing you’re going to want cats somewhere?” she asked with a small smile, to which Jumin imitated her.

“I actually do. I’ve been thinking about getting some cat pottery. I’ve found a couple of those at a designer website that seem to be a good fit.”

“Can you send me the link, please?” she asked, taking a note. “I will try to see if they still have them.”

The rest of the conversation fluctuated between casual conversation and ideas about Jumin’s new office. Even though she tried her best, she couldn’t shake the feeling of someone else knowing what had happened a few years ago. She wasn’t ready to tell everyone (and a part of her was sure she would never be) and now she felt as if Jumin was finally looking at the real her. The way he talked to her was the same, but she couldn’t shake the feeling something was bound to happen at any second, that if too many people knew about it, somehow history would repeat itself.

Jumin insisted she returned home with Driver Kim and, as soon as she jumped out of the car, she went straight to the kitchen. Distract yourself , had been the clear indication she had been told whenever her thoughts were too much. She put her earphones on with music on high volume as she followed the recipe.

Distract yourself , she repeated the words someone else told her before. No. She didn’t get to break down at something that didn't happen. Jumin didn’t question her about it. Hell, Saeyoung had never questioned her about it. Why would she allow herself to feel like this?

No, she deserved to feel like this. She had the right to feel scared, she had the right to feel whatever she wanted to feel. It had happened a while back, yes, but it was not going to happen again. She felt her chest tighten. It was not happening again. Just because people knew didn’t make it any different. She wasn’t in the wrong, she hadn’t done nothing to feel shame about what happened. It was okay, she was going to be okay, she was--

She felt a hand over her shoulder and screamed.

“It’s me, it’s me!” Saeyoung said, raising his hands in surrender as you took your earphones off. “I’m sorry, I asked you something and you didn’t listen. I’m sorry.”

MC shook her head. “It's okay. You just startled me, that’s all. Not used to you being without the leg cast.”

“How did it go with Jumin?” Saeyoung asked carefully.

“Oh, it was okay. He has some ideas so maybe I’ll work on that later. I have to bring him a proposal by the end of the week,” she explained. Saeyoung nodded and waited for her to continue, but she didn’t. He understood.

“I was just going to ask what you were planning on cooking today,” Saeyoung said, his tone playful, trying to lift her mood. “Honestly, I’ve been so blessed since you started taking care of the food around here. God listened to his humble server and said: You! You deserve good food!” he joked, pointing at a corner in the kitchen. MClaughed. “And I was there, choking on a Honey Buddah probably, agog, aghast,” he said, running to the same corner and playing himself. “Thankful. Blessed. Touched by God’s light and MC’s cooking.”

More laughter erupted from MC as Saeyoung kept joking around. The door opened and they both saw Saeran entering the apartment, hands on his pockets and a dull expression on his face.

“Saeran! I made dinner,” Saeyoung beamed.

“I made dinner,” she corrected him, elbowing him on the ribs playfully. MC looked over at Saeran and smiled at him. “It’s going to be ready in twenty minutes or so.”

“I don’t want it,” Saeran muttered, leaving his keys on the small coffee table. Her smile faded and she did the best to bring it back up.

“Should I save you some for later?”

“No,” he said, avoiding her gaze and heading over to his room. The smile on her face finally vanished and she felt once more a hand on your shoulder. Saeyoung looked at MC apologetically and she shrugged, trying to rest importance to what just had happened.

“I’m guessing you do want some?” she asked and he immediately nodded with a smile.

“Please, I’m starving,” he sighed, putting a hand on his neck theatrically. You giggled and went back to your cooking, listening to Saeyoung rant about something he had seen on a movie the past week.

You had never been so thankful to have him.

…

Apparently, decorating an office with little cat motives while also maintaining a professional look was harder than MC had expected. She had been up all night in her room looking for new furniture and items she could add, drawing and drawing Jumin’s room in her pad and checking the photos and measurements she had taken earlier over and over again.

It felt good to finally be back to work again. After months of thinking only about religious cults and Saeran’s recovery, she knew she needed to get back on track. She had been without a job for about two months when Saeran had first contacted her to try out “an app”, and thinking she hadn’t many job opportunities before and rent wasn’t going to wait for her, she had taken it.

And now there she was, four months later trying to get back on the saddle.

MC clicked the next page on the website and a pop up of a blonde woman offering her help navigating the website made chills run down her spine. How long would it be until she could stop thinking about Rika? She took a sip of her coffee and let out a long sigh.

She still couldn’t believe Rika was found unimpeachable. Her attorney had brought a psychiatrist to the court who claimed to have assessed her as she waited for the trial. Apparently, Rika had been through her fair share of trauma as a child. Thanks to Yoosung, MC already knew Rika had been adopted by cruel parents and judging by what she’d seen at Mint Eye, she was sure Rika wasn’t in her best mental state. The updates MC read online didn’t provide any video of the trial itself as some subjects were private, but the source did confirm Rika was practically delusional. She had talked about a childhood friend named Mika, who she claimed has given her the idea for Mint Eye. But when Rika’s attorney tried looking for her, he discovered said Mika had died at the brief age of ten years, just a couple of years after being adopted.

Apart from the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder the psychiatrist had diagnosed Rika with, it seemed Rika couldn’t differentiate real life from her imagination anymore. The psychiatrist claimed she also had a complex personality disorder that could take time to correctly diagnose. The information presented on trial was enough for the judge to find Rika unimpeachable and sent her to a mental facility to spend the rest of her days.

The night she read those updates from the trial, as she rocked Saeran softly to help him sleep again after a nightmare, MC let herself cry again, torn between the feelings of wanting her to suffer and trying to understand she hadn’t been in her right mind from a very young age. As she looked through the window, she thought about V. She remembered Saeran mentioning V had been a victim of Rika as well and her heart broke by how much suffering he had been into while also being kind to her during the days MC spent at Mint Eye.

MC closed her eyes and wished V were healing as she was thinking about him.

A loud crash startled her, making her look at the door. Another crash and screams followed and she quickly stood up, recognizing Saeran’s voice immediately. She opened Saeran’s room and found him tossling on his bed, eyes closed and face damp with sweat.

“Saeran, wake up,” she whispered, standing on the edge of the bed. “Saeran, baby, it’s a nightmare,” she said in the softest voice possible, grazing his arm with her fingertips.

The door opened again and Saeyoung entered, his honey eyes widening at his brother screaming on the bed. He quickly jumped on the bed, ignoring MC’s protests and took Saeran by the shoulders, sitting him up.

“Saeran, wake up!” he said, shaking his shoulders. Saeran’s teal eyes opened and Saeyoung smiled again. “Hey, it was a--”

And that was when the first strike hit.

Saeran had punched Saeyoung in the face, who had fallen on the bed backwards. Saeran hit him once more as his brother tried to cover himself. MC gasped loudly and quickly latched herself on Saeran’s back, trying to restrain his arms the best she could.

“Saeran, it was a nightmare!” she yelled. She could hear Saeyoung’s grunts underneath his brother and she wished she had more strength than Saeran. “You’re safe! You’re not in Min Eye, you’re safe!” she assured him, using all the force she had to restrain his arms, stopping him from hitting Saeyoung any further. “Saeran, you’re safe!”

It took Saeran a moment to stop his movements. His body immediately tensed up and MC figured out he had noticed Saeyoung’s body underneath him. When she demeaned safe, she let go of his arms, which fell limp against his sides.

“Are you okay?” she whispered and looked at Saeran nodding slowly.

“What happened?” he asked in a hoarse voice.

Saeyoung got up from bed and MC noticed the faint stain of blood on his cheek. He put his hand over Saeran’s shoulder and shrugged nonchalantly.

“You had a nightmare, but it’s okay now!” he said with a grin. Saeran looked up with a grimace.

“I hurt you.”

“You didn’t.”

“I hardly doubt she did,” Saeran muttered, his head leaning to MC’s side. Saeyoung dismissed him, moving his hand.

“Don’t worry about it. Gonna get cleaned up, try to get some rest, bro,” he said, leaving Saeran’s room.

Without a word, Saeran got back into his bed and even let MC put the sheets over him. Her face was full of concern and he realized for the first time, she was quiet after one of his nightmares. She would usually talk to him, trying to get his thoughts to stop swimming around like they were in that moment.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked, making her eyes look at him. She quickly nodded.

“I held you back, so you didn’t hurt me,” she replied, putting a strand of his hair behind his ear. “But don’t worry about that now. Did you take your pill before falling asleep?”

Saeran nodded, watching MC’s lips purse.

“They will start working better soon, I promise,” she whispered. Saeran watched her lean down as she always did to leave a kiss on his forehead but stopped herself. His chest ached. “I’m still working on that Jumin project, so I’ll be awake for a while. Knock my door if anything happens, okay?” she asked him sweetly and he nodded once more.

Battling with her intense desire to stay, MC stood up and left Saeran’s room without looking back. There wasn’t anything in the world she wanted more than to stay by his side until he fell back asleep but she also knew he needed to get better without the need to have her around. He couldn’t depend on her, no matter how much she was craving to go back and snuggle up with him, trying to chase all his nightmares away.

There was also the lingering concern about Saeyoung.

She found him in the bathroom, trying to pour alcohol over the wound on his cheek. She stopped him and made him sit on the toilet gently, trying to assess the damage. Thankfully, his cheekbone didn’t seem to be broken and the wound on his cheek was small, so there wasn’t the need for stitches. MC started cleaning it up in silence with a cotton pad, taking her time.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. She quickly shook her head.

“You didn’t know. But in the future, when he gets those night terrors… you need to wake him up gently. Works best on him or he gets confused and sometimes violent,” she explained. A move of her hand made Saeyoung hiss. “Sorry,” she whispered.

“Duly noted,” Saeyoung tried to smile, but failed. MC some cream on the other cheek, hoping it didn’t bruise too much.

“Just give him some time, please,” she asked him softly.

“Don’t worry for me, MC,” Saeyoung grinned. “I’m okay.”

MC wished she believed him.

previous chapter | next chapter [tba]

#mystic messenger #mysme #saeran choi #saeran after ending #saeran ae #saeran x mc #saeran choi x mc #mysme saeran #mm saeran

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lilacandladybugs · 3 years

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Hi, I'm grateful for your religion posts, I've always had a really strong relationship with God but in recent years I've just seen so many people hurt by Christianity and slowly become one of them myself (I've been closeted bi for more than two years, it's rough...). I feel out of place with people who've abandoned Christianity and out of place with people who are still fully committed, and I want to still love God but it's hard when religion burns me to think about most days. I'm sorry if this is putting things on you that you don't want to have to think about, but I just wanted you to know that it means a lot to me to see someone staying strong (and probably doing better at it than me)

Blessings 💙

Hello friend I’m glad I can be helpful! Yes I feel the same way, and I think until I’m fully healed I won’t have the energy or the patience to go back to a Bible study and walk them through how to be friends with people who are grieving, or traumatized, or lgbt, or otherwise different from them. So I’ve felt like I have all these thoughts I’ve developed over the years about who God is and what my identity is in him without having a place to talk about it but y’all’s asks give me a place to do that and not have to prove myself to people who have never grieved or ever been rejected by the church.

I’ve found a lot of solace in Isaiah 55 and in Job and Psalms, this post is getting long so I’ll make another with pictures, but just know I totally understand. There are books in the Bible for people like us though, the Bible was written for broken people, it’s a love letter to us man. And the Bible isn’t the only place where we can listen to God, he’s also all around us in nature, in our loved ones, in poetry, in music. I loved twenty one pilots and I have a few analyses I wrote at 17 about their music and how it was a cry asking God for help. “I don’t know where you are, you’ll have to come and find me, find me,” and Tyler screams it and I would just like scream it with him.

I guess though that’s all you need sometimes. In that drought that’s all you need is that desire to ask God to show himself to you, that “want to want to” do what he says, that wishing you wanted to know him that’s all we need really. And then God takes over, and he promised where his word goes it will not return to him empty.

I’m sure you know this anon but to anyone else reading this the main story of the Bible is that God created us to be in a perfect free will relationship with him, but we used our free will to reject him instead. Since God is the source of life, when we cut ourselves off from him, it kills us slowly like a flower cut off a bush. Anything that goes against God’s will is called sin in the Bible, and so sin is basically the thing that cuts us off of the flower bush, because the natural consequence for turning away from God is death. But God was unwilling to let that be the end of the story and he chose to die in our place so that if we choose we can reenter that perfect relationship with God. And he rose again from the grave, conquering death, that separation that was originally created by our rejection of him.

In 2018 when I was first really realizing that there are people who call themselves christians and are also abusive I really had trouble delineating like who God is and who the Church is, because they aren’t the same you know? Church is made up of human beings, God is perfectly loving and perfectly just.

And one of my friends was trans and financially independent and recovering from religious abuse, and I remember him coming to my family’s house and my family’s church and realizing that God wasn’t this cruel distant judgmental being, that he loves us.

Anyway when my friend realized this he started going to church on his own, and one day as he was listening to the song “Come to the Alter” he said God spoke to him and said, “Come to me and I will be your father and you will be my son.” Which was a really big deal to him because God was willing to fill that role that his abusive ‘Christian’ parents were unwilling to fill, to use his correct pronouns, to meet him where he was, to love him unconditionally, to be his father.

When I heard that I legit cried for like three days and I wrote this:

— Feb 26, 2018

I have been overwhelmed yesterday and today with the goodness and love of God I had so underestimated. I feel the need to protect my friends and self from people who might hurt them, who don’t believe depression exists or handle them cruelly, but I didn’t realize I associated these people and my own brokenness with God himself. But God is not cruel. He does not hurt people on accident he doesn’t condemn, he meets us where we are tenderly like the gentle rays of golden sunshine peeking through the window in the morning or water of a lake lapping gentle on a stone beach.

His love is so pure, so respectful, and yet so overwhelming. Lord how cautious you have chosen to be with me, as one taming a wild deer, and Lord how I didn’t know how starved I am for your love! Oh Lord how you love my people so deeply and purely to stare into its depths though the water is clear I cannot see the end of it!

Father how can I fathom you? I knew who you were with my mind when I asked for our lives but how you have acquainted my heart with you! And you hold on and say “Here I am love, you are safe.” How safe I am with you! You are my nest in the winter where I go when frightened. Your triumph is so great I can’t speak or understand and so I just laugh and cry in joy and relief that you are here. Why do I remain so heavy laden? I should come to you or in you is miraculous peace.

Never have I felt such joy as yesterday, even when (a friend) was released from the hospital my tears were as if I were grieving I could feel all of heaven rejoicing and singing.

Oh God how lovely you are! Stunning and perfect and kind.

Light reflected through ie and silvery breath on cold winters night just a whisper and a gorgeous sight.

Comparing the safety you bring to the love of humans is like comparing moisture to the ocean, a pebble to the rocky mountains, one note to a symphony.

I feel like I have seen for the first time, been loved for the first time, like Rapunzel escaping from her tower I look down and even what is as everyday as grass to you is a wonder to me.

Lord I don’t know what abusive things I’ve taken as normal, please introduce me to life as your child.

Thank you so much Dad

Thank you <3

-------

I love you anon, keep me posted and I’ll keep giving you a ton of unsolicited advice hahahaha. The only other thought I had was that you don’t have to push yourself to worship God in any particular way! God isn’t just in worship music or just in the Bible. (although the Bible is the ultimate source of truth) sometimes the Bible can hurt to read when you’re traumatized and that is okay, God will meet you where you are. The word of God is not bound!! He’s not limited by your trauma, he’s not weakened by it, he can still do what he needs to do, just listen.

sister i wish you the best of luck, may God be with you wherever you go

#religion #religion tw #christianity #christianity tw #eslyea #i love you anon #good luck #god loves you #god loves your friends

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shiorimizuyami-kyu · 3 years

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Angie Yonaga Analysis:

Angie Yonaga, a Danganronpa V3 character with the title of Ultimate Artist has the reputation of being disliked due to her obsession with Atua. Hopefully this analysis would show Angie in a different light.

Trigger Warning: This analysis will have discussions of sexual assault, sexual abuse, religion and possible other stuff that may be sensitive towards some readers. You have be Warned.

Atua:

In order to better understand Angie as a character, we have to include Atua. The term 'atua' is used as a plural noun referring to all gods and spirits within their religious practices among people of Polynesian descent, particularly native Hawaiians and the Maori people of New Zealand.

In other words, 'atua' isn't necessarily a specific kind of god, but the term is used in the English release of the game to avoid using a specific god such as Jesus. (So no Angie isn't Christian) In the Japanese release of the game, Angie refers to Atua as "Kami-sama" in which similar to Atua is plural for god without using a specific religious figurehead.

From the first interaction with Angie the most noticeable traits is Angie's devotion towards Atua, although some fans have theorized that Angie's religion could be Christian, however they're some religious acts that Angie has mentioned that don't match up with Christianity such as the extensive amount of worshipping towards Atua.

Angie's religion is shown to be anonymous to not only to avoid using specific religious figure heads like Jesus, but to show a darker side of religion. To be more specific, Angie's religion is actually a cult using Atua as a figure head.

During Angie's free time events, when talking about her homeland, Angie almost always brings up Atua. Here is the interaction between Angie and Shuichi about her island:

Angie: Angie lives with Atua on a divine island paradise.

Shuichi: Ah, right, but... Where is the island? What's it like?

*Angie: It's a tiny, divine island. It used to be much bigger...

But Atua used a natural disaster to make it smaller cuz He thought it would look cuter.

Shuichi: *That* was the reason?

Angie: My island has lots of plants and flowers too, y'know?

Shuichi: Ah, is that so?

Angie: But most of the plants and flowers on my island like to attack people.

Shuichi: They attack people!?

*Angie: Come to think of it...I'm honestly not sure if they're actual plants or flowers.

Shuichi: What...? What kind of island *is* this?

This comes off as strange due to the sound of uncertainty in some of her lines, quickly changing the subject as if she isn't aware of what goes on in her island in a geographical standpoint.

On an 'interesting' note, Angie has something called 'DeepSea' which is a website that's used for shipping the following:

magazines, food, clothing, organ meat, medicine, blood, children.

It's safe to say the 'DeepSea' is a black market website used for illegal activities like human trafficking.(and considering that Angie never mentioned her parents once through her free time event, there is the disturbing possibility of Angie being a victim of human trafficking at a young age)

Angie has also mentioned some of her traditional act that she along with the others on her island part-take(which might implied both child abuse and sexual abuse) in such as:

Angie: First, you're not allowed to feed children after midnight!

Angie: Cuz it's unhealthy! They won't grow up to be stable adults!

Angie: And they hafta undergo a divine initiation ritual before they can enter adulthood...

Angie: During the ritual, we perform intense physical workouts.

Angie: They all become adults at the same time, and feel all happy and relaxed afterward.

Sexual Assault:

Throughout this specific detail on why Angie's religion is most likely a cult based off this interaction between Angie and Shuichi:

Angie: That's right. On my island, everyone shares in our fun, happy times.

At weddings, for example, after the bride and groom consummate their vows...

The guests make their own vows, and then they consummate those, too.

Shuichi: What, everyone!?

Angie: After a successful consummation, the bride is blessed with a baby.

Of course, we all share the baby, too...

using a sickle...

...

Shuichi: What...the hell...are you going to do with that!?

Angie: Nyahahahaha! Just kidding! We can't share a baby!

We just share the bride!

Shuichi:...What does that mean!?

This island has a ton of strange traditions…

In other words, Angie has implied that everyone(which might include minors) can part-take in sexually assaulting the bride(and possibly impregnating her), more proof that Angie has possibly witnessed, part-take and experience sexual abuse from a young age. To a serious degree that she sees this behaviour as normal. This line from her FTE also indicates this as well:

Angie: On my island, if you feel sad and lonely at night, you stab a sickle into your window!

Shuichi: That's...an odd custom.

Angie: Anyone who sees it can't just ignore it. They gotta go console that person.

They gotta do anything they can to console them. And I do mean ANYTHING.

What we must keep in mind based off this discussion is that Angie has been on this island before becoming an Ultimate, meaning that her religious traditions and everyone else's are completely different. This interaction between Angie and Shuichi is proof of it(Although there's more proof of Angie sexually assaulting Shuichi in the Love Hotel Scene, I chose to not included it for the time being):

Angie: Very well... By Atua's divine decree, your training begins today.

Shuichi: 'Grinning ear-to-ear, Angie skipped over to me and…'

Shuichi: Whoa!

Angie: Huhhh? Why are you running, Shuichi?

Shuichi: Y-You grabbed me all of a sudden... And you tried to take my clothes off!

Angie: Of course. How else would I provide what you're lacking?

Shuichi: I-I think I'm okay, thanks anyway!

*Angie: Why are you afraid?

*Angie: Atua and I will gently embrace you.

*Shuichi: What does that mean? What are you going to do...?

*Angie: Huh?

Shuichi: I-I just wanted to talk, Angie! Just be friends!

Angie: …

Shuichi:...Ah! S-Sorry for yelling, I just...

Angie: …

Shuichi: I'm just worried about you.

Angie:...

Shuichi: Ah, Angie?

When Angie made her attempt to assault Shuichi, he reacted in fear and hostility. And yet Angie was the one confused on 'why would he react so hostile towards her advances?' And when Shuichi said he just wanted to be friends, Angie, just ran away. As if she doesn't know how to react.

While doing research on Angie's religion, this particular term show up on my Google search:

Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS) is a function of both the chronic abuses of harmful religion and the impact of severing one's connection with one's faith and faith community. It can be compared to a combination of PTSD and Complex PTSD (C‐PTSD).

Believe it or not, Angie in Kaeda's FTE, we see Angie suffer a PTSD attack(it was more of a nightmare then a PTSD attack) in the game, and when questioned about, Angie just brushes off like it was nothing:

Kaede: Well, how was it, Angie? This song…

Kaede: Huh!?

Angie: Zzzzz...zzzzz…

Kaede: She's sleeping!?

Angie: Zzzzz...zzzzz...zzzzz...zzzzz…

Kaede: Geez, she fell asleep even though she asked me to play. And it was a really lively song, too.

Angie: Ngh, grgh...zzzzz...zzzzz…

Kaede: Angie...scares me sometimes, but she looks like an angel right now.

Angie: Hmmmm…

Kaede: Oh, are you awake?

Angie: Wednesday morning... Need sacrifice... Hurry... Can't wait…

Kaede: What?

Angie: Not enough blood... Need more blood... So I'll... I'll...

Hahhh! Stop! Ngh, ergh... Ngahhhh... It's too much!

Kaede: Is she having a nightmare!? Angie, wake up! I said, wake up!

Angie: Huh?

Angie: Oh, hi Kaede. Was I sleeping?

Sorry 'bout that. But thanks to your piano, I got to have a wonderful dream.

Kaede: Are you sure about that...? You sounded pretty distressed…

Angie: Hehe, Atua says He was so enchanted by you, He accidentally poured His divine wrath somewhere.

Kaede: He poured it!? Where!? Divine wrath shouldn't just be accidentally poured somewhere, right!?

Angie: I'm starting to like your music, Kaede! Let's have a paint-and-piano jam session very soon!

To sum up the analysis, there's more to Angie character then just Atua even though Atua is a huge part of her character. The point of this analysis was to better understand Angie while pointing out some of the things she has done.

Thank you for reading!

#Angie Yonaga

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #433

“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”

Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''happy song'' by bring me the horizon

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not-safeforsanders · 4 years

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Be My Baby / Devil Like You

This fic is based on Bea Miller’s Be My Baby, and Gareth Dunlop’s Devil Like You. Yeah I know, that’s a bit of a whiplash between two songs.

Fic Synopsis: Roman knows how to dance, Patton knows how to pray, Remus knows how to use his mouth and Logan knows how to shut it. Meanwhile, Virgil and Janus think they’re all idiots and are begging for some healthy communication. (University!AU)

Warnings: Religious trauma, religious guilt, discussions of religion, let me know if more needs to be added. This chapter is smut free sorry to disappoint lads

Ships: Intrulogical, Royality, Anxceit.

Word Count: 3285

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Read on AO3

Roman has loved dance most of his life; sometimes he wonders when that had started, it was certainly no love incubated by his parents or indeed anyone in his life at all, it was simply a need to express everything that he couldn’t, in ways no-one but himself could understand. When he dances he feels like he’s speaking in his own language.

See, no-one in his life had ever really taught him how to cope, so the young man had taught himself his own mechanisms to stop an explosion occurring every-time he felt negatively. His parents' idea of emotional management is to have all the outward expression of a teaspoon, and his brother feels so much so fast that he barely pauses for a breath, Roman, in this regard, had been alone to his own devices.

So choosing performing arts as his path in life had seemed the natural progression once he understood how the human body can move. How it can feel, how sadness can be shown in fluid movements and not just tears.

Between classes he likes to spend time in the auditorium, just him and his movements and the music, it makes him feel as calm as a windless sea, or perhaps a summer breeze. It’s the only real peace and quiet he gets if he’s honest, in a room far too big for one person, and owning a stage that should take more than one body to fill it.

Roman is not used to being interrupted, either, which is probably why he doesn’t notice the door open and closed, and someone walk towards the stage, a look of awe set in a face used to expressing only anxiety. When he does notice, he pauses and jumps, clearly startled, and his hands fall by his sides as he steps towards the front of the stage. “Sorry,” Patton’s timid voice breaks the sound of music trailing off “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“I don’t own the auditorium,” the words come out much blunter, more chaste than he’d intended, there’s just a brunt force of discomfort with this person witnessing something that was personal to himself. Not that he doesn’t dance in front of thousands, but that is practised and controlled, what he’s doing alone is...experimental, personal. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, it’s...nothing,” the jitters return, and Roman wonders if this man will ever look him in the eyes “you’re a really good dancer.”

“I know,” The redhead grabs his bottle of water and sits down on the edge of the stage, wiping sweat off his forehead before he unscrews the cap and chugs. “Do you sing or something?” Patton shuffles his weight from one foot to another as though he’s being scrutinised, the nervousness written all over him is an easy one to read. “It’s all right you know, I don’t bite, and I won’t make fun of you.”

The smaller man sighs and nods “I like to sing, I don’t think I’m very good at it, though, it’s just something that makes me happy.” Roman nods and then gestures to the stage. “Oh no, I can’t I’ve not sung in front of anyone alone before,”

“Well if you don’t try it once then you never will, and if you’ve been coming here, I get the feeling you want to.” Patton stares up at him long and hard, before he sighs and puts his bag down on one of the seats. He’s shaking as he walks up the stairs, gripping the handrail firmly as the stage creaks just a little, its age showing under his weight. Roman pats the wood next to him and Patton sits down “Is there a particular song or…?”

“No, I just put my Spotify on shuffle,” Roman nods and crosses his legs as Patton pulls out his phone, his hands are still shaking, and the actor pities the nervousness; he used to feel like that all the time too. “Is it weird to feel this scared?”

“No, that’s pretty much par for the course with any type of performing, but I promise you no matter what I won’t laugh or lie to you, and once you start managing this, then maybe we could see about getting you in front of a larger audience if that’s what you want.” The other shrugs a little, looking down at his phone.

“It’s what I used to want,” he admits quietly, biting his lip “but it’s not exactly something my parents would approve of, and this is my first time breathing without them over my shoulder.” There’s a quiet understanding in this, that tells Roman that Patton is not everything he seems; he’d assumed the other would’ve blindly followed his elders anywhere, but now he’s not so sure.

“Start whenever you’d like,” the green-eyed man offers a tight smile of reassurance to his companion, leaning back on his hands as the music plays through the battered speaker of Patton’s phone.

The introduction is soft and longer than Roman had expected, but he waits patiently, enjoying the soft sounds of strings and something else that he thinks is artificial. He’s never heard the song before so when Patton opens his mouth to sing he isn’t expecting it. He isn’t expecting that either, that sound that comes from him, in Roman’s hyper brain that sound is more quieting than any drug Remus could ever have given him. His voice is so calm despite the way his hands shake, gentle despite the hard look in his eyes, and so much emotion shoots through the redhead as he listens, a cascade of feelings that for a moment he thinks he could be drowning and not know the difference.

He has always been uncomfortable around genuine emotion but even he can’t escape the lulled rhythm of his heart or the way the air gets knocked out of his body as he listens to Patton sing. He’d expected to feel more awkward, more uncomfortable, but mostly he wants to lie down and listen to what he assumed angels sound like all day.

He almost thinks he hears himself fall in love with that voice.

By the time Patton stops, minutes later, Roman doesn’t realise that there are tears in his eyes. The other man seems to panic, apologising, saying he didn’t mean to make him cry, but the green-eyed man smiles and shakes his head “No, thank you, I can’t remember the last time I actually cried, what…” he takes a deep breath to stop his voice from cracking “What song is that?”

“It’s called Sorrow, it’s by Sleeping at Last,” Patton holds up his phone to show the album art, in case Roman ever wants to find it. “Was it good?” Roman nods.

“Dude, you should be on my course with a voice like that, have you ever had any sort of training?” A short laugh comes from the blond’s lips, shaking his head with the smallest of shrugs, struggling to reply with that smile on Roman’s face. Not again, he thinks absently to himself, I really don’t want to do this again.

“No, I mean I was in my church choir but I’ve never had any formal training, in high school my teacher said my voice was a gift from God, and I think that’s the only time I’ve ever really...felt special, you know? But it’s just a voice, and there’s better, and I can’t handle crowds of people without shaking.”

“No offence but you can barely handle crowds of one person without shaking.” Roman doesn’t really think, he just takes Patton’s hand and holds it up as if to demonstrate a point. Patton doesn’t stop shaking, but his expression went sort of blank, and then he shivered a little; the redhead doesn’t miss the way colour flushed to the other man’s cheeks or the way he pulls his hand back being almost violent. “Sorry I didn’t...I wasn’t coming onto you or anything I was just…” He panics because the expression on Patton’s face is utterly unreadable, and for some reason the idea of the other thinking the situation was anything other than what it was, scares him.

“No...i-it’s okay,” Patton sighs “It’s not your fault, I’m just jumpy and unused to…” He trails off “...affection, especially from other men,” He looks down at his hands “It’s not something that I am supposed to enjoy, so I get a little intimidated by how everyone out here in the city just...touches each other, and…” his cheeks heat a little “...don’t have much reserve for such things, in both a platonic and romantic way.”

“If you’re referring to Logan and Remus I doubt there is much love there,” Roman chuckles and shakes his head “but I suppose you were raised to believe that sex and romance are intrinsic.” Patton looks a little confused, tucking a curl behind his ear as he looks up at the redhead, as though waiting for more explanation. “Well, Logan and Remus have only known each other a week and a bit, do you think that’s enough time to fall in love?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” He asks, softly and confused, and Roman realises that he’s talking to the sort of person whose family would pawn him off to a pretty girl with a rich family, and he wouldn’t know the difference between that and true love.

“Love doesn’t just happen like that, Patton, first there is attraction, a crush, hormones...it takes months to really love someone, to get to know them and understand the parts you like and dislike and then working through the problems to find solutions, it’s learning how to be with them and also without them; one day Logan and Remus might love each other, but right now they’re just fucking around because one of them is finally free from the constraints of societal pressure and the other would fuck anything with a pulse.” The smaller man shifts uncomfortably where he sits, his hair falling into his eyes and he digests the information given to him. “Sex and romance don’t have to be the same thing, well it isn’t for us, I suppose for you they might be because of the way you were raised and that’s okay too, to want them to be the same thing...it’s just not okay to judge other people for that.”

“It’s not my place to judge anyone,” Patton shakes his head “It’s just all very new, you know?” Roman does know, so he nods and rests his own hands on his lap as the other takes a deep breath in. “Some part of me wants to say it’s wrong, but it wouldn’t make sense, really...would it?” He asks like he’s begging Roman to tell him it’s okay, an eagerness in his expression that is clouded only by his sadness. It takes the other man aback for a second as he registers something in the expression that makes his heart feel hollow.

“You’re raised to believe that God doesn’t make mistakes, that there is nothing and no-one that he doesn’t love, of course it doesn’t make sense for him to believe queer people are a sin,” he shrugs slightly “I was raised to believe that too, I just decided that they were wrong, I mean if there is a God, and I don’t know whether that is true or not, they wouldn’t make me like this just to hate me, surely? We’re raised to believe that God doesn’t make mistakes and that we must unequivocally trust the plans of our deity, but then insist that gay people are a mistake...it doesn’t make sense like that, I think that in truth a book was written in the social constraints of a society that just didn’t understand, and now hundreds of years later we can’t separate fact from fiction.” Roman meets Patton’s eyes for a heavy moment “In honest truth, how do we really know that the Bible is the word of God? How do we know that every sentence in it was written with the Holy Spirit, and how much of it was the opinions of men who like to control all that is different?”

Patton’s shoulders sag a little as he looks away, barely able to handle the intensity of his companion’s gaze, or the words coming from his mouth. “It’s hard to let go of what I was taught, I want to, believe me you have no idea how much I want to, but that is all I’ve had my entire life, my religion.”

“In other religions questioning their faith is almost imperative to their belief, would God want you to follow his word because you have been told over and over again, or because you have examined every angle and have chosen your own path, a path that according to christianity, he already chose for you?” The taller man sighs again “Put it this way, what is written in the bible was written by men, not God himself, nothing really stops these men writing down what they want others to believe, is there?”

“I think that’s blasphemy,”

“I think it’s common sense,” Roman snorts a little, sitting up a little and stretching his back. “Either way, Patton, you can either ask to swap flats with someone or deal with the fact you’re rooming with five gay men, it’s up to you...but you can’t go through your entire life scared of affection from other men, or affection in general.” He glances at the other, at his white button down and faded blue jeans, his sneakers are a little battered but it’s very clear he dresses to blend in. “I need to go get lunch, but...think about it Patton, you clearly don’t enjoy being homophobic, so maybe that’s something you should change.”

Patton sits in his silence as Roman stands up to leave, but he doesn’t say anything at all as he watches him walk away.

Logan does not feel quite like himself. He lies back in Remus’ bed, staring at the ceiling and making shapes out of the patterns of the cracks that adorn it; this is an old building, he’d realised that the moment he’d walked in, but as he stares at the cracks he understands that it’s not only old, but a little unkempt. His thoughts tangle for a moment, something he is unused to...these quiet little moments. Noticing the cracks in the ceiling.

He shivers and sits up, a heavy feeling starting in the pit of his stomach and soaking into his chest. Remus notices the disturbances and opens his eyes, eyebrows furrowing as his hand comes to rest on the other man’s bare back, his fingertips grazing some healing scratch marks from a frantic fit of passion. “Are you alright?” Logan opens his mouth, and then closes it again, bringing his hand to his cheek.

He’s crying.

“I...I don’t understand what’s wrong,” he whispers gently, closing his eyes and feeling his damp lashes graze his skin before he wipes them firmly. “I feel...bad.”

Remus sits up beside him, urging the other to shuffle back to lean against the headboard, Logan does as he is gestured to do so, his head resting back against the wall as it had earlier today for a whole new reason. “You have to think a little about why you feel bad, is there any problem that is coming to mind? Any trigger? What are you thinking?”

“I don’t know,” it’s a true enough statement. “We just lay down and suddenly I felt cold, as though all the energy just went out of my body and suddenly I felt like I needed to cry.” Remus nods and wraps his arm around Logan’s shoulder.

“That’s normal, all the adrenaline is leaving your system and this is the first bit of real peace and quiet you’ve had in a while, you’re always going from one thing to another and now you’re tired and have nothing to do, your big old brain is just adjusting to the lack of energy following a good fuck.” He presses a kiss to the side of his head firmly and playfully, and Logan smiles at the little comfort. “Besides, you went a long time knowing what sex was and having little interest in it, now you’ve started doing this every day and your body is a little confused, everyone’s first time can be a little anxiety inducing and yours was entirely unplanned, even if you didn’t consider it a big deal, it’s still a long time of having nobody else see or touch your body and suddenly for a week straight I can’t keep my hands off you,” his eyes flicker over the other’s bare chest “...or mouth for that matter.”

“That makes sense,” Logan admits quietly, nuzzling against Remus gently “I admit, I hadn’t considered the emotional effects, I have always considered sex to simply be a form of release, physical pleasure, but I have also never considered myself to be emotional in any degree, I have gone most of my life feeling neither happy nor sad.”

The ebony haired man’s smile slips and he recoils a little, looking down at the other carefully “Seriously?” His voice hitches between surprise and horror, looking down at the man still tucked under one of his arms with melancholy wonder. “How have you lived or survived this way?” Remus has never felt anything in small doses in his life, even now his mind is like the inside of a train station, with new routes being planned every minute by the drivers.

“It’s the way I was raised, men to be stoic and calm at all times, and at some point I just...stopped really feeling as well,” he frowns a little, his eyebrows drawn together as he shrugs “I suppose all this is quite a few bursts of euphoria that I’m not quite used to feeling, it’s addictive.” He looks at Remus, looks him in the eyes and inhales deeply when he sees the worry in them “Don’t...worry, I’m not going to become a sex addict or anything of the like, I simply feel as though eventually it will become normal to me, and right now it isn’t, so it’s a craving or hunger that can’t be satiated...always needing more.”

“I’ve noticed,” the dark-haired man leans up to capture Logan’s lips in his own, gently, with no promise of more; it’s the first time he’s kissed anyone like that in a long time, a simple need for the smallest admittance: ‘I am here, I am listening, I care’. Perhaps that is a wonderful thing, that Logan is changing, Remus just never saw himself as a rehabilitation centre for someone who didn’t know how to love, only a short-term fix like heroin in a needle. “Maybe we should slow down, stop for a little while, whilst you…” He’s cut off by a kiss, firmer than the one he’d just given, Logan’s teeth nip at his bottom lip and Remus shivers.

“No,” it’s mumbled against his lips after the heat has died, and Logan pulls away to smile at the dazed expression on the other’s face “I’m not quite in the mood for common sense and the right course of action when I’m with you, reasoning and logic and everything I’ve ever known just seems to disintegrate.” He kisses him again, just a peck, their foreheads resting together and breath ghosting each other’s lips. “It’s a very liberating feeling even if the aftermath is such chaos, the best way to adjust is to keep going.”

Remus is not going to argue with that, he trusts Logan to know himself.

#not safe for sanders #bmbdly

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