#also i asked my therapist and he said im allowed

[tangledinink]

[everyonewooeverywhere]

MDNI 18+ BLOG -> ageless blogs and minors WILL BE BLOCKED

pairing ✭ bf!jongho x f!reader

synopsis ✭ when you come home from a less-than-perfect day, your boyfriend is nowhere to be found, but you don't want to call him and ask him to come home while he's out with friends. even though he'd drop everything if he knew you were struggling.

content/genre ✭ smut 18+ MDNI, established relationship, non-idol!au, hurt to comfort, slightly angsty, relatively fluffy (certainly the fluffiest thing i've ever written here)

word count ✭ 2.5k

note ✭ so this was something i really needed to write for myself, i think. for those who don't know (which is all of you lol) i have adhd. where i see it the most in my own life is chronic procrastination. it's something i've had to learn to cope with a lot throughout my life. a lot of times, when i feel the need to avoid feeling the stress of my personal life, i'll scroll on instagram or tumblr forever. which then leads to a heaping ton of guilt in the following hours as i try to make up for lost time. it's a wonderful cycle.

anyway, this is to say, that coping alone can be incredibly difficult. don't get me wrong, i have a handful of wonderful friends (who go to school across the country) and an angel of a therapist, but i often romanticize having someone there to help drag me out of those hopeless cycles. and not because i think i need someone to do it for me, but having that person is a really comforting thought. and, today, that is jongho i guess 😀

that being said, this mc doesn't necessarily have adhd, but they are certainly experiencing something that i experience very frequently as a byproduct of it.

like, is this smut? yeah, but im allowed to be emotional 😗

warnings ✭ mc is stressed af, protected sex, really soft sex (they're in love 😤)

✭✭✭✭

It was a terrible day. One of the worst you’d had in a while. Nothing seemed to be going your way. You’d ripped your favorite pair of tights this morning when getting ready in a hurry after waking up super late. You’d locked yourself out of the apartment. The seven dollar coffee you’d bought for yourself to cope with aforementioned events had spilt all over your desk, ruining the book you had just received as a gift from a coworker. And, to top it all off, your boss had demanded you to stay late to finish what was supposed to be his job.

So when you finally made it back to your apartment, after waiting in the lobby forever waiting for your landlord to let you in, you wanted nothing more than to collapse on the couch with your boyfriend and fall asleep in his arms. 

You were plagued with fatigue as you slipped out of your work shoes and made your way through the kitchen and into the living room, not finding him anywhere. The bedroom the two of you shared was also completely vacant. Nothing had changed since you’d left this morning. He hadn’t been home all day.

Maybe he’s just working late, you thought, slightly defeated knowing you’d have to wait for him, not knowing how long it would take. 

Trying to take your mind off of it, you scrolled on your phone for a completely indiscernible amount of time, feeling completely defeated with the day you’d had. Moving in with Jongho months ago has been an incredibly helpful step for you. Before the two of you had lived together, you were a master of procrastinating your own feelings. Constantly letting yourself rot away in your bed and letting the day pass you by. Only to be plagued by that crushing guilt that came with letting a day go by unproductively. Living with Jongho had given you someone to hold you accountable. To pull you out of bed because sometimes it was impossible to do it on your own.

But on nights like these, where your boyfriend was nowhere to be found, which was not a common occurrence, you felt yourself slipping back into the endless cycle of losing yourself in your phone for countless hours. 

Hours passed and the sun was almost completely down before you received a text from your boyfriend.

| jongho 🐻🤎: hey love, sorry i had to stay late for work today. i’m gonna go get some drinks with my coworkers.

| jongho 🐻🤎: that ok?

God, you felt so helpless. How horrible and controlling of a partner would you be to tell him ‘no?’ Did he ask? Yes, but you desperately didn’t want to be the girl who always needed to be by her boyfriend’s side. Telling him he couldn’t go out with his friends would make you feel like such a nuisance. You stared at the screen for a good two minutes, biting your thumb, trying to think of how to respond.

| jongho 🐻🤎: y/n? 

| jongho 🐻🤎: i can see you read the message. is everything alright?

Before you could even draft a response, his name flashed across the screen. Taking a deep breath, you slid your thumb across the screen, answering the call.

“Hi,” you picked up.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” You could hear some of his coworkers in the background. He must already be at the bar. 

You held in a sigh, “Nothing, I’m alright. Why?”

“Y/n, you read and didn’t respond to my message. Like you were overthinking a response."

You didn’t say anything. Overthinking yet another response.

“Love, I don’t even want to be here that badly. If you need me to come home, I will. But you’ve gotta tell me.” He was being so patient with you. So much more patient than you thought you deserved, though he would certainly disagree with that.

You took a deep breath, nearing tears, “I–” this was so incredibly hard, “Can you please come home? I didn’t really have a great day.”

“Of course, I’ll be there in about thirty minutes. Do you want me to stay on the phone?”

“No, it’s alright. I just need to see you.”

“Ok, just hang in there alright. Why don’t you hop in the shower, and we can watch a movie when I get back. I’ll pick up some takeout on my way, too.”

When you hang up, you force yourself to get out of bed and get in the shower. It’s so rewarding and feels so relaxing that you can’t imagine why you ever couldn’t get out of the bed in the first place. But, of course, you say that every time. 

✭✭✭✭

By the time you had gotten out of the shower and dried your hair, Jongho had made it home with the takeout he’d promised in hand. 

When you left your bedroom, you saw him sitting on the floor in your living room. He’d lit a candle on the coffee table and set the food down with it. You could tell he’d changed out of his work clothes into a hoodie and basketball shorts, mirroring your almost identical outfit. He didn’t notice you at first. He was chatting to someone on the phone, seemingly a friendly conversation, and not one you wanted to interrupt. When he saw you, though, you heard him say goodbye to whoever was on the line. 

Throwing his phone down on the couch, he got up from the floor and met you at the door of your bedroom. Pulling you into a big hug, he placed a kiss on the top of your head. 

“No pressure, but, if you wanna talk about your day, we can.”

You shook your head, “Not really. I just wanna eat, I think.”

The two of you ate, sitting in comfortable silence on the floor in your living room. You noticed as you took in the scene around you, that Jongho had turned off all the overhead lights in the room. Leaving only the candlelight and the string lights around the ceiling to illuminate the room. There was something about warm lighting that made everything feel so much more cozy and comfortable. 

Your boyfriend wasn’t the most physically affectionate individual, but he never failed to make you feel loved. He always noticed the small things. He was hyper aware of your emotions in the least patronizing way possible. It was little moments like bringing home food for you and turning the cool-toned overhead lights off that reminded you that this man knew you better than anyone.

And that wasn’t something that happened overnight. He tried harder than anyone you’d ever met to know you. Your likes, dislikes, discomforts, phobias, and even your little habits. He knew it all. What he knew most is that you desired so bad to have someone to pull you out of your slump. Which is why he had come home early.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t stay out with your friends,” you whispered, staying focused on the food in front of you.

“I didn’t come home because I felt any obligation to. It’s not that I couldn’t stay out with my friends. It’s that you needed me here at home, and I wanted to come home and comfort you.” He ran a hand over your hair as he finished up his own food. 

That was another thing you loved about him. He wasn’t saying this because he wanted to make you feel better. He wanted you to know that you were not alone. That you were free to feel your feelings, and he’d always be right beside you to comfort you through them.

“Thank you,” you looked up at him, “I love you, you know that, right?”

“How could I ever forget? I love you, too, y/n.”

✭✭✭✭

After the food was gone and the coffee table was cleared, Jongho had put on a movie laid down on the couch, holding out his arms for you. When you finally sat between his legs and leaned into his chest, he pulled a quilted blanket over the two of you, wrapping his arms around you.

You paid very little mind to the movie playing on the TV. Instead you were focused on the rhythm of his breathing, the steady beating of his heart, and the minor movements his chest would make when he let out a soft laugh whatever he was watching.

He played with your hair, running his fingers through the strands, softly brushing his fingers over your neck with each pass. This position couldn’t have been more comfortable. Being with the man you loved as he comforted you in the way he knew best with absolutely no complaint was more than you could’ve ever dreamed of.

Jongho would claim that it was the bare minimum, but you always felt the need to let him know how much he really amazed you. 

When you reached your hand up to his cheek to brush your thumb over the skin, he looked down at you, completely forgetting about the movie playing. He grabbed your hand from his cheek and kissed your fingers, your palm, the back of your hand, the inside of your wrist.

Pulling yourself up to his face, you kissed him as softly as he’d done to your hand. Everything was so soft. From the way he kissed you to the way he caressed the skin under your hoodie right above the waistband of your shorts. From the hand you had in his hair to the way he lifted you to sit more comfortably in his lap.

He kissed your neck just as softly. You sighed contently. Fully basking in the way he took care of you. His movie was fully disregarded at this point as he gripped the bottom of your shirt.

Looking into your eyes he asked, “can I take care of you, love?” You nodded, helping him lift the sweatshirt over your head. 

Before you could even comprehend the nakedness of your chest, he lifted you into his arms and carried you to your shared bed. Laying you on your back. Your bare skin taking immense comfort in the softness of your sheet. He pulled his shirt over his head and threw his pants off to the side.

He immediately went back to kissing you. Hands moving from your cheeks, down your neck. His thumbs caressed your collarbone as his lips brushed the crook of your neck and then your shoulder. You shuddered when one of his hands took your breast. His lips met the other one, causing you to let out a breathy moan and weave your fingers through his dark hair.

He continued to kiss and touch every inch of your torso. When he got to your waistband, he left a small kiss under your belly button. His big brown eyes meeting your own as he pulled your shorts and underwear off together. Tossing them to the side of the bed. 

Lifting one of your legs onto his shoulder, he kissed your inner thigh, still meeting your eyes. The eye contact wasn’t broken until his thumb met your clit. Brushing over it slightly, making you toss your head back into the pillows under you. His mouth replaced his thumb, slowly teasing you. 

With his free hand, he took your own hand, the one that wasn’t gripping his hair, and threaded his fingers through yours. Thumb brushing over the back of your hand.

He felt so good. His tongue working so hard to make you feel pleasure. Everything was so gentle, but felt so euphoric. His fingers pumping in and out of you as he sucked on your clit. You felt like you could’ve floated away with the way he caressed your hand and your thigh. It wasn’t long before you were washed with a wave of pleasure. Everything was hot. You felt it rush through you from your ears down to your cunt. He kissed your thigh one more time after you came, fingers pushing you through the finale of your orgasm. 

Your breathing was ragged when he made it back up to your face, kissing you tenderly. Reaching a hand beneath the pillow under your head. He pulled out a condom. Before he could open it, you plucked it out of his hands, tearing it open as he stripped himself of his own underwear before you rolled the rubber onto his length. He groaned at the touch.

“You ready?” He asked, grabbing your arm and kissing your wrist.

You nodded, smiling, “yes. please, baby.”

When he pushed into you, you gasped and threw your head back again. He kissed your neck and shoulder, slowly thrusting into you. On most occasions, you’d beg him to go faster, but his subdued nature in this moment was so incredibly comforting. His thumb massaged your clit.

He kissed you deeply as he thrust into you. Completely overtaking your lips with his own. His kisses were so full of passion that your head spun. His adoration for you was so evident from the way he looked into your eyes when he stopped kissing you. Your foreheads pressed together, separated only by a thin layer of sweat. 

“I love you so much, y/n,” he says, just above a whisper. So close that you can feel his breath tickle your lips when he says it.

You moan softly, feeling yourself reach a second high, “I love you, too.”

It’s only a matter of minutes before you reach your orgasm. You grip his shoulders tight as he coaxes you through your climax. Walls fluttering around him as he finishes inside the condom. 

He kisses your lips once more before pulling out. He pushes himself off the bed to throw it away. When he comes back, he slides back into bed with you. Breath still slightly ragged. 

You laid on his chest, listening to his heart beat once more.

Running a hand over his stomach, you said, “Thanks for coming home early today.”

“Of course, love. You know I’d drop anything to come home to you if you were struggling.”

“I just feel like such a nuisance asking for you to come home,” you groaned.

He ran a hand over your hair, “I will never ever see you asking for help as a nuisance. Sometimes you just need a little push. Or sometimes you just need to lay in someone’s arms. I will always be there to do that for you. No matter the circumstance, ok?”

You wanted to protest, tell him he was too much, too good to you, but he kept going, “I trust you. I know that when you ask me to come home, it’s not because you're insecure or controlling. It’s because you need help, and I want you to always feel comfortable asking for it.”

He’d left you just a little bit speechless. All you could respond with was a gentle kiss on his lips.

For him, though, that was more than enough.

✭✭✭✭

note ✭ ok this shit got really personal 💀 but i did really enjoy writing it. it's not often that i write a whole oneshot in one sitting but i did today (other than my minor break to eat dinner).

also, i was actually between writing this for vernon or jongho because i felt like they both kinda fit the vibe (sorry if the knowledge that this could have been a hansol fic makes anyone sad), but maybe i'll write something similar for him next time i'm feeling it

again, i hope you enjoyed this! thank you so much for reading 💗

mwah~

[howlsofbloodhounds]

Delta anon here again and I am loving these most recent posts. I have many ideas now.

For one, if Color was distressed enough about not knowing how Killer is doing, I feel like Delta and Epic would let him call - under the exception that they are allowed to listen in. Color obviously protests this, but they refuse to budge. Because although they do want Color to recover from the abuse and manipulation he's going through with Killer, they also know how bad his panic attacks get when he thinks a loved one is dead. But the immediate minute Killer starts guilt tripping, one single word about it, one of them physically takes the phone away and hangs up while the other restrains Color from stopping him. No hesitation.

And if he sneaks out? Oh, buddy. You have an engineer for a friend. You bet your ASS that Delta somehow managed to put a location chip on him somehow - phone, hoodie, pocket, you name it. He managed to put it in - and incredibly well hidden. So if Color sneaks out? Once they wake up and realize he's gone, they follow Delta's tracker straight to him.

Obviously once they get Color back (and once Delta and Beta are allowed their time of beating the shit out of Killer and probably psychologically fucking him over a bit, too), they first check to make sure he's ok. Then they launch straight into scolding him for it. Because really, what the fuck? We understand that you're worried for him and that you miss him, but that wasn't ok. You need to be ok with not being able to peek over Killer's shoulder (hypervigilance) 24/7 to make sure he isn't doing anything wrong. You can live without him and he can live without you.

Now this is probably about when Color starts trying to defend Killer, or get out of it somehow. They shut that bullshit down instantly.

Delta calls it as it is. It's abusive, toxic and manipulative. And although Color hates it - deep down, he knows they're right. He won't ever admit it to himself, but he knows that if Delta or Epic were somehow in this situation, he would call it what it is, too.

Epic takes a gentler approach, knowing Delta can definitely speak for the both of them, so he focuses more on making sure Color is ok at the moment and isn't getting too upset. He steps in when needed, but let's Delta do the most of the talking. Because Beta is telling him exactly what to say and how it's abusive. Because unfortunately, poor Beta knows what an abusive relationship is like.

Color, of course, would probably try to flip it - he'd try to play therapist again, asking how Delta/Beta knew about abuse, why did they? Yeah, that wouldn't fly either. That also gets shut down very quickly.

The road trip would last a very long time. The bigger a fight Color puts up, the longer it lasts. And then some on the way back. Because like hell are they gonna be letting Killer near right now. They love Color way too much to just sit on the sidelines and watch him be abused and manipulated by a mass murderer.

Oh hello again delta anon so happy to see you!! /gen

Also may i propose some bits of Ekko vs Jinx for either Cross vs Killer or Delta vs Killer.

cuz like. the exhausted walk, the death glare and sneer, the unhinged giggle, and “ooohhh..look who it is! the boy SAVIOR!” either that or ekko can be murder/dust protecting color & delta all the possibilities. or just good old delta protecting color & epic.

(But for my own sanity im gonna say it doesnt manage to ever come to this type of confrontation. please i cant take it i need them to go back to being themselves!! 😭) (thats a lie i love the drama of it all lmao)

and of course delta put a tracker on color lmao. get chipped idiot.

and like..imagine that color has a hard time putting seeing himself as completely blameless simply because killer made him into a forced perpetrator. and hes like i said that or i did that and i hurt him and delta & beta have to remind him of not only the context surrounding all of it—how killer pushed and pushed and manipulated—but also point out that killer and chara and nightmare had this exact same shit going on.

if color can claim killer wasnt to blame for what chara and nightmare made him do, then how can he be to blame for what killer made him do. breaking that cycle baby hell yeah.

oh i wonder how itll all end. Will it keep escalating, will it just be a period of enforced no contact between color and killer until killers able to get it together. or will color and killer run off eventually.

aw god imagine colors interactions with stage 1. id imagine he didnt have a clue what’s going on really—what would he ever think this was okay? where did the logic come from?—and also id imagine hed have missing gaps between the memories of color comforting him and the memories of color punishing him—why? what happened? whywhy? this cant be real what did he do?

because through it all stage 1 would immediately jump to the conclusion that he did something. he cant say why—he doesnt understand, what was he thinking? he cant connect with his other stage’s logic—and yet theres also this sense of..fear. around color.

which is thinks is fucking stupid hes the reason it even happened at all. and the whole thing sets stage 1 back entire leaps and bounds in his process and he keeps his mouth fucking shut and tries force himself to deal with the guilt and shame and misguided fear and ooh all the drama.

hmm does anyone have any ideas for what happens with stage 1 or what just happens next 🤔

[barrenclan]

WOOO NEW ISSUE!! i began reading this earlier, but couldn’t finish due to me rereading what i had just read and focusing on the pictures!!! so yeah, finally finished it, and GRRR GOOD ISSUE

first off, throws thrasher in the cootstorm pit too, they can share. no transphobic kitties allowed (obviously not literally, but i love how like.. natural it is? it’s just cormorantpaw’s life and what he’s been raised to think). egrettail should deck him

also egrettail!!!!!! favorite kitty therapist!!!! i assume maybe asphodelpaw asked about her being aroace, maybe brought on after daffodil was like “oh!! ur just like me and asphodelpw!!!” to pinepaw, and that made her think “wait am i into men even?” but. yeah. she just wants to help and she’s such a sweetie

SEVEN. SILVERS. SHE’S MADE IT!!! SHE’S IN AN ISSUE FR!! ULTIMATE ALLY INVENTED HRT TO SUPPORT EGRETTAIL. THE MOST BASED CAT EVER. I LOVE HER SHE’S JUST A LITTLE KITTY. I HOPE SHE’S OKAY. IM GONNA SAY IT METHINKS EGRET, HUSH PUPPY, AND SEVEN SILVERS R FOUND FAMILY JUST A COUPLE OF CHOSEN SIBS. UNLESS THIS IS A NO. SORRY IM EXCITED ABOUT SEVEN SILVERS

shoutout to cormorantpaw for getting his 2nd issue. kinda a crime that i only bring him up now but its ok. i love the goofy early cartoons titlecard image with the literal lovebug and him just thinking it over before going “oh fk im bi” and i love how egrettail was like “it seems like it to me, but it’s up to u” bc she can’t really like. force him to think he has a crush, something about that was really gentle- back to cormorantpaw!!! now he’s a blushy mess and i love him for it. also WHAT DO U HAVE TO DO BOY. WHAT IS YOUR ANGST

yes i know daffodilpaw was hardly here but she still gets her own section bc that’s my favorite community hc collection. cormorantpaw doesn’t seem to want to be involved romantically with her, saying how she’s nice but also noting how she doesn’t tend to listen to him (which doesn’t make daffy a bad person!! just something they gotta communicate as buddies) but also mentioning how she puts her paw on his, and also in the sleeping shot cormorantpaw is staring past daffodilpaw, who sleeps next to him, and at pinepaw. i’m just. babey noooo. break out of ur toxic mindset its okkk. unless u actually do like cormorantpaw then i’m. sorry. how did i make the daffodilpaw section the longest oops

rate this issue 5 mysterious end birds out of 5!!! thank u for another great issue :3

So sorry not answering this ask for awhile! All that trouble with my account hit at a bad time. I'm glad you liked the issue, though. :)

Egrettail had the patience of a saint for not beating the absolute shit out of Thrasher when they were in Defiance, and I'm certain she gave him what for on more than one occasion after Hush Puppy died.

Yes, she and Asphodelpaw may have had a conversation about similar realizations she was going through just like Cormorantpaw, heheh. We'll get there someday.

I was so excited to finally include Seven Silvers in an issue!! When I first created her character I wasn't planning on it, but she's just too fun not to use. Hell, I'm allowed to invent magic cat hormone therapy if I want to, who's gonna stop me. Seven, Hush Puppy, and Egret are any manner of close friends you like, and found family/siblings are as good a way as any.

The POVs from other characters are not going to be very common, since Pinepaw is the protagonist in the end, but it's always nice to dip back into Cormorantpaw's thick little skull. I was pretty pleased with myself for thinking of the rubberhose style joke with "lovebug", honestly. Don't worry about his angst, I'm sure it's nothing.

Good catch on everything with Daffodilpaw in this issue! It's something I did intentionally include, and did want to draw a comparison between Corm describing her as not really listening to him with Pinepaw always listening to what he says (which as you said, doesn't mean Daff is a bad person, just that she's got her own things to work out).

[cringefaecompilation]

Is callowmoore abusive? Bc in this server im in ppl are saying that the cast is enabling abusive relationships bc Fearne hit him and tried to kill him and theyre letting her get away with it and forcing them to be together

short answer: what the fuck no. it sounds like they just really fucking hate fearne. that's a horrible thing to accuse them all of.

long answer which i'm gonna phrase very carefully to keep it out of any other shipping tags:

before they became canon i'd started shipping imogen/laudna out of spite solely because the people that hated them as a couple and kept saying they were abusive were a trillion times more annoying than people who loved them as a couple and kept saying they were perfect.

i deeply dislike orym/ashton and laudna/ashton as couples because most of the fanworks with them utilize my most hated trope of one's significant other being basically a therapist or obsessing over them both being "broken and fixing each other" which feels like it trivializes a lot of their traumas as easily fixable through the power of love and grand shows of romance. this trope also happens to be really popular in fanworks with dorian, both within ships and just in general. he deserves better than that.

(also a LOT of laudna/ashton shippers are gross about imogen and dismissive of lesbophobia when they "criticize" imogen/laudna so like. i trust only two people with that ship and both of them love imogen and ship imogen/fearne.)

but these are just my opinions. i'm not in the right inherently because something makes me uncomfortable. i'm not going to go on AO3 and start interrogating orym/dorian shippers on their opinions on mental health to get a sick sense of personal accomplishment when or if they say something ill-informed.

just like how there are people who see the fearne/ashton ship as platonic or familial because they saw the shards and went "oh, so the emperor and empress are their parents and they're TWINS!" that's completely fine. they're allowed to want it to be platonic. but if someone said fearne/ashton was incest and went around accusing people of loving incest because they shipped it, it'd be gross.

this isn't the first time this has happened, either. people went out of their way to insist fjord/jester was abusive or forced or homophobic or bound to end as a dumpster-fire and it didn't. plus, in canon both ash and fearne need to come into their own and become emotionally ready for a relationship and no amount of cross-table banter is going to change that.

fearne does not know how to handle legitimate romance outside of one-night stands! ashton does not find themselves worthy of love and their sexual history has been incredibly traumatic! it's not going to be an instant thing and i think being gross about it because you hate the ship is just going to leave you looking like an asshole whether they decide to get together or just stay friends. i think everyone needs to step back and not let their opinions inform a total stranger's actions.

tl;dr if someone has that strong of opinions on a ship i think it might just be a personal thing with them. but no, it's not and it's completely disrespectful to outright state it is fact. sorry about jumping off your ask here but this has been bugging me for a hot minute.

[thisisadonaldduckblognow]

i wish i had the energy and eloquence to fully and properly get into the family therapist mikey thing tbh it’s so hard to just. explain what i MEAN. 

(ftr i am an adult who does regularly touch grass. i understand interpretation and ymmv on characterization. i understand the catharsis of vent art and vent fic and projecting issues onto characters to process them. i don’t read through stuff i’ve found issues with and then seethe about it, i keep scrolling or hit the back button and find something else. 

i am still gonna talk about trends i’ve noticed and things that i don’t get or that rub me the wrong way. please don’t come into my posts about my personal thoughts and opinions to, however well-meaning or politely, judge me for expressing them. consider doing what i do and keep scrolling. i won’t engage with that. i would ask that no one else engages with that in replies or comments.

i also legit don’t Get tone indicators just ftr. they elude me.)

bc so much of the draxum moral realignment stuff was mikey being motivated largely by what mikey wanted. he wanted to see barry as family, he wanted barry to become part of the family, he wanted the story of their mutation to be less uh. objectively crummy.

now, mikey’s wants in that area served as a CATALYST for other development, him pursuing that (often very hamfistedly and despite many objections) wound up paving the way, but it was ultimately in the spirit of his personal desire. which ftr im not criticizing that’s very much part of the character.

he brought draxum to the big hidden city day out because it was a Family Event and he personally considered draxum family. splinter and draxum kinda coming to a truce, splinter reconciling that his mutation (despite the horrific trauma and long-lasting impact of it) was still what gave him his sons who he loves more than anything, that was all splinter and draxum. mikey’s action of bringing barry along was a catalyst, he was able to speak to his own feelings about it to splinter when it came up, but he wasn’t sitting there going “tell me how that makes you feel and we’ll talk through it” yknow?

and it’s the same with the dr feelings thing with donnie, which is arguably as close to Playing Therapist as mikey gets on screen. bc that was just a very Extra way of confronting donnie about the shelldon stuff. like. that was mikey inserting himself into the situation so he could give his personal opinion about how donnie was messing up, just with a sweater and a powerpoint. like. an intervention i guess. if donnie hadn’t gotten the picture from the slides he was probably all lined up for a dr delicate touch meeting.

which like, was also not being donnie’s therapist as much as a once again very hamfisted way of addressing something that mikey felt in the right about?

i’m wondering if maybe what i picture when i hear about a child having to play therapist for the family isn’t the same as what modern fandom means by saying it. because i picture like, what steven universe went through. which was practically singlehandedly, as a child, walk a bunch of adults through their own grief and insecurities and shortcomings with unending patience and support, to a point of pushing all his own needs and emotional issues aside.

where steven seemed convinced there were things that he wasn’t allowed to express or outright things he never got to learn to express, mikey is probably the most emotionally open and honest of all the brothers. he feels more outright sheltered. 

especially where his big brothers are concerned. the entire episode about his first solo mission he was chafing about being unnecessarily overprotected by raph. there’s a lot tied up in his relationship to raph if we take what the creators said about them growing apart as they’ve grown up into account. 

so i guess for me, in my understanding of the trauma of playing therapist at a young age, i can’t really reconcile what canon gives us with the idea of any of the other brothers or splinter (who is notably emotionally disconnected from his sons at series start) genuinely dropping their issues on his lap. 

but in that vein, for as much as he’s emotionally open and honest, i’m sure there are also insecurities and issues that mikey doesn’t express. or. that canon for some reason just decided to not dig into in any of the episodes that actually got made.

but ohhhhh that’s a whole separate can of worms.

[supernaturalkickparty]

ok so it's been a few days i can process the chaos of the back to school event on wednesday.

So as of recently both the pediatrician and psychologist have said they highly recommend my son go to school, for me to put him in pre-k and he'll get speech therapy and occupational therapy there.

I cried, talked it over with my husband, cried some more, argued with my mom that since she wont allow any therapist in the house or for us to do much of anything with him, this is my last option.

Signed him up, went to the administration building, went to the school, went to the special education department, and now i wait for my meeting on what modifications he will need in class.

NOW THE BACK TO SCHOOL EVENT

oh dear lord where do i even begin?

first off the event started at 5 but I told my husband we should leave early because we're a small town and i know a lot of people rely on this event.

hell we're a family that relies on these events.

get there at 4:25 and theres already people waiting outside, it's 108 outside. we grabbed the umbrella and my sons water bottle and we waited outside.

as soon as 5 o'clock hit, they only allowed so many people in at a time, my child was fussy because he wanted to run around, he did make a friend in line though so that was cute.

by the time that it was our turn to enter the building we rushed him to the bathroom so he could go potty, well my husband took him because if i had left to take him they said we'd loose our place in line, like why don't yall count his dad in this but count me? lol make it make sense.

get in line and im like sweet i see the backpacks, lets grab it and go.

No.

they hand you a backpack, then you have to go in line to each table and they hand you supplies.

wwwhhhhyyyyyy????

it would be so much easier if they had backpacks already filled with the basic supplies instead of you going in a line. it was crowded, we got looks for wearing mask but im sorry the lady like 2 or 3 people in front of us was hacking up a lung and no thank i do not want to get sick.

they're playing music because its supposed to be a fun event but all the vendors for the games and stuff canceled so they just had the dj playing music and my son was dancing in line lol

it was too crowded, too hot, too overwhelming, too loud, my son knocked over 2 balloon arches, i was so fucking embarrassed, i felt like everyone was judging me, we get to the end of the line of school supplies and he got sad because they were also handing out bicycle helmets and vouchers for kids bikes at walmart or academy i think and we didnt get one but they gave him some books instead and he liked those.

by the time we left there was still a huge line of people waiting to get inside and i hope they at least got something because they were starting to run out of stuff by the time we were leaving.

the plan was to homeschool my son, to avoid all this, to avoid people and my plan has been shot to shit and now im struggling to get his supplies.

we went to another event last night but it was drive through only and tbh it was a hell of a lot more organized than the one hosted by the city.

the pastor had all the basic supplies in a backpack and just asked how many kids and gave us a domino's gift card.

theres one on wednesday and i'm hoping since its being hosted by community action its a lot more organized.

wish me and my child luck!!!

[prettypleaseprettygirl]

I had been having a BPD episode for about a week, it peaked yesterday after therapy and i cried all morning bc i felt normal again but also bc some things my therapist said finally clicked.

yesterday was less of a goals session and more of a catch up session and to explain what was going on i had to revisit a mistake i made at 22 years old.

at the beginning my session my therapist said to me "the grace u treat urself with is a sign of truly healthy self esteem" but after talking about this 'mistake' he asked me if i knew the symptoms of BPD. I told him in honesty i dont know off the top off my head; ive been this way for so long its hard to tell.

he then repeated my mistake back to me and matched it to BPD symptoms. It was my mistake but it was also my BPD symptoms that made me act that way.

a couple weeks ago he had asked me if forgiving my abusers would lighten the load and i said no bc forgiveness without remorse just isnt my philosophy.

but the forgiveness i give myself everyday as a 25 year old has not been extended to who i was at 21, 22, 23 and 24. its not about my abusers needing forgiveness. i need it.

that's why i keep hurting myself and allowed abuse after my childhood abuser died.

the things that i believe i deserve now, the girl i was also deserves. forgiveness, patience, and love.

but how do i change my thinking so that i can? how do i convince myself she deserves it? im afraid i dont.

but i will figure it out.

[yanderu-deredere]

UM so like, ive been feeling really shittt? and i was wondering which of the yanderes would be good at dealing with a depressed or suicidal so?

a/n: yooo im so sorry it took me forever to answer this ask but i hope you're feeling better! and, if you're not, have these lovely yanderes to help! also, i placed it under the cut just because of the warnings so heed the warnings and lets get started!

warnings: mentions of gender dysphoria, mentions of sucidal thoughts and ideations, mentions of depression, mentions of conservative opinion/thoughts, mentions of suicide attempts

gawain dubhán byrne ★ profile

Gawain knew exactly how that felt. In fact, he’d been in the same position as you. There was a time where he was in the wrong body and it made him want to tear himself apart. He dreaded waking up in the morning, all he wanted to do was fall asleep and just never have to deal with anything ever again.

That being said, because of his unique circumstance, he knew kind of what to do. He’d been to therapists and doctors, he knew the breathing techniques and the journaling methods, he knew kind of how to talk you through depressive episodes; he’d take care of you as best as he can.

Actually, Gawain would be the type to take care of you even to the detriment of his own mental health. 

If he hasn’t kidnapped you and trapped you in his expensive penthouse, he definitely would now. He has no choice. He couldn't risk leaving you to your own devices! Nobody knew better than him that you can’t fix mentally ill people immediately. A lot of suicides are impulsive.

So, he'd need to trap you in his house. He’d call his brother over if he needs someone to babysit you but, basically, until he deems you well enough to be left alone, the two of you are attached at the hip. He would totally spoon feed you, he’d bathe you, he’d tuck you in; literally becomes an annoying caregiving leech.

Part of it is because he’s overprotective and wants to take care of you. The other part of it is that he wanted someone to do that for him when he was depressed and suicidal. He wanted someone to sweep him of his feet, to take care of him so he didn’t have to think about anything else; someone that would just hug him and hold him and coddle him.

So, now, that’s who he is to you. And, if you don’t like it, well… Gawain thinks you’re too depressed and suicidal to really decide anything for yourself.

fujio watanabe ★ profile

Not to burst your bubble but oh my god, Fujio is definitely the type of person to be like Depressed? The fuck? Just go get a job or something, being depressed is for people who have too much time on their hands.

It really is unfortunate but Fujio isn’t going to take you seriously until he has to. 

This means he’ll brush you off until you try to kill yourself, you start hurting yourself physically, you start wasting away because you’re not taking care of yourself, etc. When your health starts being threatened in one way or another, Fujio will explode.

He’s always had a volatile temper and it’s ten times as worse when it comes to his precious darling. Nobody can hurt you, not even yourself.

So, then, he starts talking to people. Not professionals, unfortunately, but like people he knows at work or his boss or people he trains with. It’ll be super stupid, like he just comes out and says it, rolling his eyes like Can you believe this? Being suicidal? Depression? What a load of bullshit, amirite?

Except he’s not right and a lot of people in Lovelock, city notorious for its seedy underbelly, knows it. A lot of people Fujio works with used to be kids that wanted to die rather than continue living their terrible lives with abusive families or with no food on the table. Fujio would definitely be put in his place.

Then he finally understands. He finally realises that this is something he could lose you over. For Fujio, he’d be the type to immediately kidnap his darling so he doubles up on security. He baby proofs your room and you’re not allowed to go outside unless he’s there. 

Before, you kind of just had free reign and he let you do whatever as long as you let him know. Now, privileges are revoked. Not because it’s a punishment but because he’s worried you’ll end up hurting yourself.

He’d also be way nicer and gentler to you. It would surprise him since the main reason he ended up falling in love with you was because he felt like he didn’t need to walk on eggshells around you. But, instead of falling out of love, you encourage this weird feeling of overprotectiveness. All he wants to do now is take care of you.

ayaka yamato ★ profile

What do you mean you want to die? 

Ayaka wouldn’t be able to understand. Of course she wouldn’t. She’s lived a privileged life where, though her father’s a piece of shit, she’s had everything pretty much handed to her for free. Most people either always want to say yes to her or aren’t able to say no. What more could a lady want?

So, if she finds out that you’re depressed or suicidal, she’d panic a little. You’d think she’d be really conservative about it since she grew up in a conservative household. Something along the lines of you’re not depressed, you’re just being a snowflake. 

However, that’s actually the opposite case. Ayaka has never met anyone that’s made her feel the same way you make her feel and, if she has to believe you and do something about it, she will. Anything to keep you by her side.

She just doesn’t know what the fuck you’re talking about at first. So, to learn, she’ll consult her tutor, a doctor, anybody she can find; she’ll learn exactly what she’s supposed to do here, what you need, what she needs to force you to do or what she needs to let you do by yourself.

Surprisingly, for someone who’s never had to lift a single finger her entire life, Ayaka can be relentless and resourceful when she wants to be. She low-key dumps money on the problem which, most of the time, can be a bad idea.

However, with Ayaka, she throws money at the problem with all the love in her heart. She gets you the best therapist money can buy, she makes sure to take you to different places if need be or stay with you in your room if going outside is too much. She makes sure to find out exactly why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and she’ll put a stop to anything threatening your mental health.

(The one thing she won’t stop is bullying you but she definitely controls her tone in a way that makes it clear to you that she’s joking or teasing you. And, if you voice that you didn’t like something she said, unlike a normal darling, she’d definitely apologise and avoid saying it again in the future)

liam anthony arieh ★ profile

Liam is like a mix of Gawain and Fujio. Part of him is like Depression? Aren’t you being a special snowflake? But also part of him is like oh no, I was severely depressed and suicidal once! 

That first part of him comes from the fact that he had nobody to help him when he was depressed. When he wanted to die, the only thing stopping him was the fact that every single time he tried, he ended up in the hospital instead of in the morgue. It took him going through several attempts before he finally got a grip of himself and stopped.

It definitely took him a while to work through his depression and, even now, he sometimes makes suicidal jokes about how funny it would be if he blew his brains out with a gun or if he overdosed, etc. But he doesn’t want to seriously die now and he’s definitely far from depressed.

So, part of him expects you to go through that as well. Part of him thinks that the reason you’re depressed and suicidal is because you’re weak and you just need to get stronger.

However, the other part of him acknowledges that you’re weak. If you’re his darling, most likely the reason why you’ve piqued his interest is because, in his eyes, you are pure and innocent. In his eyes, you needed him to protect you from other people that wanted to do to you the same things he did but for the wrong reasons. 

In any case, his solution is surprisingly not to lock you up (if you aren’t already). He’ll definitely start stalking you hard or assigning employees to start trailing you and making sure you’re okay on days he’s not able to do so himself. He also tries to find a therapist but, specifically, a therapist that doesn’t mind breaking patient privilege. 

He needs control. He needs to be able to manouver you in the exact way he wants and depression? Depression makes you unpredictable. Depression makes it possible for you to be hurt by the one person he can’t completely protect you from: yourself.And he’d be damned if he lets anyone, especially yourself, take away the one good thing in Lovelock.

[vixentheplanet]

is cai the therapist in?? if not can you leave this note in her desk please and thank you!!

soooooooo almost a week ago an old “friend hit me up saying that he missed me (this friend GAYYYYYYY so it’s not going where you think it is) so he hit me up but i adamant about texting him back because we have spoken in a long time and contact between us just stopped so i wasn’t really sure so i just ignored it so i asked my coworker and he said the friend texted him to but he didn’t want much just wondering if he was able to come get his job back (he got fired and was supposed to move to texas but i guess not🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️) so now im kind of contemplating like do i text him back or not cause we were cool when we were friends (my mom didn’t like him cause she thought he was using me and making me live beyond my budget to hangout/go out with him ) and also he was the only “friend” that i would talk to on a daily basis so i really don’t know what to do

p.s. he would supply the weed when we would hangout/work together. and before y’all think i’m using him i would give him money whenever he needed, i would order us food, and i would let him add a stop to my uber ride home

but pleeeeeeeaaaaaasssssseeeeeeee let me know what to do dr. cai 😫😫😫

lord. like i said, if you saw it however many days ago, i posted it do not invite that boy back into your life. the fact that you’re even debating and asking me if you should allow someone back into your life tells me the answer is no babe. ESPECIALLY if your mom doesn’t like them.

some people are meant to be seasonal and friendships fade. that’s okay! 

[venusiancharisma]

Dream Interpretation Promo:

Hi, all! I am doing a promotion on dream interpretations. The more detailed, the more I can interpret.. up to 800 word interpretations for $3.00. Someone recently asked for one and is now allowing me to use it as a representation of what you will receive in a reading, so if anyone is interested - message me! Same day interpretations!

-AI artwork by me "originally, it started off with me in a big lake, i was doing horizontal spins with my whole body under water, and then did it faster and faster, and as i was dreaming, i remember consciously thinking, "now levitate while you spin" as as i was still doing horizontal spins, my body started to levitate out of the water, so high, that i was able to stop myself and dive in while everyone was watching near the dock. when i dived under water, i was aware i didnt want to go down under too far because i was scared of what was down there. as i got to the top of the water, my sister and very young niece were swimming back with me, behind me, as i was still afraid to swim vertically with my feet hanging lower into the lake so i tried to stay horizontal and continue doing the breast stroke. when i looked back, my niece was slightly further behind now, and a boat was coming so we had to go get her. Suddenly, im in NYC with 4 friends and my sister. I go into this building where a middle aged woman greets me and it was this group meeting for a special type of club but i didnt know the details yet. As I walk to sit down, she instructs that she needs to take me cellphone so I willingly give it but then go to sit down and start feeling suspicious. As my sister and our friends sat down, I noticed my sister still openly had her phone and it made me annoyed and curious. The woman started the meeting, and I objected so I had to leave but everyone stayed. As I left and walked down the nyc street, I noticed a bald guy following me. He just kept following until I finally stepped into a safe building on the corner, which happened to be a physical therapy recovery center for people with injuries. 2 guys my age greeted me and a third who was this kid, Kevin i knew from high school in my real life. I did not know the other two. I told them what happened and they assured me i was being followed and that woman and her company were powerful and that I wouldn't want to mess with them. They told me to wait it out there but the guy still lingered outside. While I was there my old classmate explained he was there for an appointment for his shoulder injury; in real life, he apparently works as a physical therapist and one of the other guys, shorter, with light brown, medium length wavy hair, was a physical therapist. They were the most helpful and worried about me. I sat on a couch in the middle of them and I could feel the wavy haired guy's interest in me. He was so sweet and I was starting to have more and more of a crush on him until I noticed the background on his phone. It was him and his current girlfriend. He realized I saw but we both tried to ignore it. Eventually, he gave me his name but in the dream, I couldn't hear what he said because, right after, he explained, he wanted to get my number but when he pulled his phone back out, I said but isn't that your girlfriend and he said yeah, youre right and the dream became blurry for a moment until I was in the halls of my old middle school where I ran into my ex boyfriend, who is a vice principal at one in real life he is also a vice principal at a middle school. When we ran into each other, he looked sort of busy and in a rush, but not excited to see me. As i walked to keep up the pace with him, his expressed looked worried and he kind of blew me off. I stood in the hallway, when I noticed the woman from the original meeting, earlier in the dream was walking toward the staircase door. She went down stairs and as I followed, she knew I was there and told me she wanted to show me something. As she led me down the basement hallways, I woke up from my dream"

The Interpretation:

Diving right in, bodies of water represent exploring the subconscious while the ability to skillfully spin/leap suggests effectively navigating inner realms and trusting your abilities even when emotions seem murky (the lake). Learning to elevate higher beyond fear or limitations speaks to unlocking latent talents.

Your sister and niece accompany you as parts of self on this journey into shadow integration. Emerging creative power awaits full acknowledgment despite trepidation. Facing uncertainty guides spiritual growth.

Transitioning into NYC implies entering a bustling change arena to publicly test independence, discernment and confidence among outside influences. The controlling group dynamic stifling independence and demanding conformity indicates inner tensions around external validation versus following intuition, which fuels branching out solo to wider freedom.

Yet the lingering bald follower reveals vulnerability going it entirely alone at this time. Seeking support from intellectually-adept allies plus characters representing skills development creates necessary grounding and realism to stabilize the intense individually process underway. Special inner mentors guide you as their familiarity helps steady emotional security.

Interest from the compassionate healer makes conscious old patterns seeking validation through partners. His unavailable status reflects wounds still reconciling externally versus inner wholeness primero. Deep attraction stirring mirrors awakening self-love.

Finding grounding transitions into the middle school setting signifying lessons around authority, reputation and self-limiting rules. Running into the principal/ex implies questioning assumptions adopted from past influencers before relying completely on external structure. Breakthrough arrives when dismantling outgrown constraints.

The woman descends lower into shadow territory but demonstrates facing subconscious means power integrating polarity. Her leadership leans totalitarian yet also displays courage to reveal menacing aspects needing healing. Your wholeness includes owning capability to oppress or uplift humanity’s progress. But descent first necessary before rise.

Overall an incredible unfolding dream odyssey reflecting the inner work and self-actualizing discovery journey emerging through questioning external authority, honoring intuition over conformity, balancing independence with support, healing the ability to love internally not just externally all while mining subconscious territory to integrate personal power elements for incredible soul growth! Much like dream-spinning across that lake, greater awakening comes by boldly diving inward, upward and onward.

[what-if-nct]

hiiii today's reminder is i absolutely do read your paragraphs like it's the morning paper,i love knowing what's going on with you and what you're thinking about. also i know these conversations are technically public but i definitely say a lot more than i would normally because it feels so comfortable. love you 💓

Hiii! I love you too!!! And yes it feels like a public private conversation. Like it's just us in a cafe together like there's people who walk by but like we're just talking. I consider all asks kind of like a huge slumber party and were just chatting and everything is pink and mean girls and Taylor Swift are playing in the background and it's chaotic but fun. But speaking of sleepover talk so the guy I'm talking to one well talk on the phone for like 2 -3 hours so often that last time that happened was in the summer and we were going to wait till later that week but he came and picked me up at 2am and we watched puss in boots and "cuddled" I remember him fondly actually. Like right in the middle of "cuddling" he called me cute. Which that is so adorable like that isn't the activity id think being cute would be possible. So that was the last time that happened. But with the current guy it's just the best vibe and fun and we laughed about raccoons for so long.

And okay I overshare obviously so in passing I brought up a few things that happened to me cause I told him earlier that day some guy was trying to hit on me and I just froze and didn't speak I was scared cause he was a lot older than me and he said is wrong for me to be talking to you which told me he probably thought i was way younger than i am. Cause I swear when I present younger it's always old men who be weird and creepy to me which is gross within itself. But I brought that up to him and told other instances that happened in the grocery store and i said im just probably being dramatic and he told me I wasn't being dramatic and only one other person has told me that she was actually the one who told what happened was really bad and she told me a few other things that happened to me were sa. But when I talk about it with therapists or other friends they're either dismissive, blame me, tell me to stop wearing short skirts, tell me I shouldn't have put myself in that situation and I just was never really allowed to process it so I feel like it's still unhealed and I still have a lot of anxiety about being alone in public unless it's somewhere that's mainly women. But hearing someone say I wasn't being dramatic I don't know it meant more than it probably should.

Oh also he said he was surprised I was so tall, so many people say that. So many people expect me to be shorter and I have no idea why. Also I'm not that tall I'm 5'8 so is my best friend and sister. But most importantly he has kept everything 110% innocent and sweet and I've never experienced a guy not immediately being interested in that. I started to feel like that was my only purpose but I think he actually likes me as a person, and my eyes started to water just as I said that. Okay I will stop here before I write a whole essay again. Oh I think I can show you what he looks like without actually posting a picture and I started watching this YouTuber just before I met the guy I'm talking about which is so weird that I just realized they look a lot alike like so much alike I had to bounce back and forth between their pictures.

The only difference is the guy I'm talking to, his face is a little softer. But the resemblance is uncanny even the hair and he dresses exactly like him. Also the YouTubers name is Seth Borden he's related to Lizzie Borden and he's a paranormal investigator.

[winderlylandchime]

LOVER’S SPIT! YOU THINK YOU’RE A MAN! LETS HEAR IT FOR THE BOY! AND SANDSTORM! ARE ALL ON MY BROTHERS SPOTIFY WRAPPED! HE GOT CLOCKED BY SPOTIFY AND IVE BEEN LAUGHING AT IT SINCE I WOKE UP! He sent the screenshot of it to his friend and his friend replied ‘bro, i think Spotify just called you gay’ and I gotta agree with the other straight man.

Also: on Monday, shocker, he did not behave like a normal adult. When I got there to pick him up a nurse walked him to me and went ‘here, take him and all his obsessions home with you’ and i turned to him and asked what did he do cause he did promise to act normal. And he went ‘i did absolutely nothing. He asked how I’m doing and I told him’ and I just know that he told them all about Britin/Brian. Part of me is happy that I wasn’t there to witness it. But the other news is that he has another check up with all his doctors who did his surgery and were part of his case on Friday and I have to be there since I was his caretaker aka they wanna know how he’s doing at home and I’m actually worried because 1 of the doctors dealt with him when he ripped his stitches, 2nd doctor did his cast, 3rd doctor called him out on it..basically they all know bits and pieces about how he treats his check ups so this should be fun (for him) and mortifying for me.

ALSO Yesterday he had his therapy session and when I came home, he ran up on me before i even managed to open the door and went ‘(his therapists name) is going on vacation for a few days. And when he asked what my plans were for the rest of the week and i said im officially finishing up the show and I’m sad about it, he fucking stared at me for almost a minute and then went “(his name), you know ill still be available on my phone at all times. So you can call me whenever and i promise you, you wont be a bother” what the fuck was that all about? *then he waves his cast like to dismiss the topic* what a weird little guy’ So i think its safe to say that either 1) the therapist based on his previous reactions to just normal episodes, is reasonably worried OR 2) he knows. And i don’t know which one of these two options is funnier to me.

SPOTIFY KNOWS!!! that is so hilarious. It’s like people whose TikTok algorithm knows they’re queer before they do.

I’ll admit that QueerAnon with Mister Sister is my second listened to podcast (and I swear it’s not first because there are not enough Randy episodes to make it first).

I hope the treatment team meeting is not too mortifying for you. I imagine the team saying that they have to change their discharge instructions for future patients: do not allow patients to get obsessed with a tv show while recovering. The doctors should know that this has made your brother “famous” on “a social media site” and he has “tens of fans.”

Finally, THERAPIST KNOWS. I think he’s tipped his hand. He either looked up a spoiler to help himself prepare for what your brother is going to experience OR he’s seen the show. Like the therapist stared at you? Yeah. He knows. I just think someone who had no idea what was coming would say “oh I’m sure it’s going to be a happy ending!” Or something like that. Not offer up time during vacation for an emergency phone call.

So few episodes left. I think after 510, he’s going to want to watch the final 3 quickly because it does seem like it’s going to be a happy ending (if you don’t think too closely about the characters and how little it makes sense for Brian and Justin to be getting married given… who they’ve been for at least the first 4 seasons).

And we will all be here when he watches…

[heartyearning]

got asked to be transgender mentor to my dad's colleague's kid (my dad said 'daughter born in the wrong body' but then he also said this kid 'already' goes by a masc name so girl who even knows) & i said yeah cause if this kid just wants to ask questions about the process or what i personally went thru im more than happy to help them in their own journey, but then my dad was like 'oh perf so i'll let the mom know and then she can ask the gender therapist what youre not allowed to talk about' and i just . i said fuck that i said that i would do it as a casual conversation but i wasnt going to follow rules set by a cis person (didnt say the cis person thing) and like

the thing is like if there's personally sensitive subjects i'm a good enough conversationalist to notice those and steer clear of them but if they wanted to make me talk to the therapist to make sure i told this kid not to 'mutilate their body' then its like yeah dont worry i'm not gonna do that anyway, i'll tell them to get a good surgeon who wont fuck up bc thats the only thing i can imagine would be mutilation. obviously.

and i think what strikes me now too is that they think im doing this as a favour to them when that couldnt be further from the truth. im not doing this as a service to my dad and his colleague but in service of a young trans individual and to further the transsexual agenda, duh

on another note tho, this kid is like 13 and my dad was like 'so its different from your story' which is so funny cause i came out when i was 12 but parents loooooove to pretend you are both too young to make decisions and too old to start showing transgender behaviour. and furthermore i obviously know what to steer clear of with young tweens like this but at the same time you think these kids arent thinking about their bodies ? about that gender and sexuality combo? gimme a break !!!

the whole thing is so silly because i'm just gonna let this kid steer the conversation. why would i need to be coached on what to say. and if i WAS coached on what to say the fucking trans clinic should pay me because ive just become an employee of a system, so

[uncanny-tranny]

hey, i know you get a lot of asks but i wondered if hou had any like, light you coukd shine on a situation im going through:

im trans. a genderfuck, a transsexual, blah ect. one of my sister's is trans too and she came out to my parents a bit back. i havent reallg come out. like, my mom knows im trans too but i never talk to her about it and she never asks. im not doing well for a lot of reasons but one of them is that i feel like ill be stuck living with my parents forever as a disabled kid and also my older brother is a transphobic ass and he's allowed to say whatever the fuck he wants. my mom will even agree with him sometimes even tho she claims thats just becaus she feeks she has to support him too, even if she thinks hes going down the wrong path.

to make a long story shorter, my older sister thinks i should be direct with my mom, tell her im trans, let her ask questions and shit, because my sister believes my mom woukd love to support me and im being an idiot for defining my relationshio with my mom around my brother.

but its not just that. like my ass of a brother is part of the issue but also my mom has said transphobic shit to me for ye ars way before she knew i was trans and its?? just. when my sister came out she told me how she wished my sister had waited longer and how it was so exhausting figuring things out and hos she wished my sister wasnts trans because things were going to be si hard and i LOVE being trans and i dont want to feel like my gender is just another burden on my plate. like my mom treats me more like im her therapist than her child half the time and i CANT do it. i dont want to talk to jer about my transness, i dont want to "officially" come out even if i am doing shitt on my own. its better than i was constantly around her. i dunno. am i being an ass??? or like overreacting? shoukd i just suck it up and talk with my mom?

You absolutely don't have to talk to her about this, and it's really concerning how you're being treated. I'm really truly sorry, it's fucking tough. Ultimately, it does make sense why you wouldn't talk to her about this, and I don't think it's an overreaction to see that your brother's behaviour is tolerated, I can see how you'd play it safe and assume that that tolerance is a reflection on how your mother feels.

However, please take care of yourself. You don't owe it to your family to bear your heart and soul if you aren't ready, but you owe it to yourself to do what it takes to be able to get through this. It's hard, and I hope nobody downplays how difficult it is to be in that place. But please don't believe that you deserve this, if you think so. It's easy to fall into the trap that how you're treated is how you deserve to be treated, but that's not true. I hope your family can learn to grow, but they shouldn't learn to grow at the expense of you, if that makes sense.

You're entitled to not discussing this, and it sounds like you don't want to, no? That's completely fine and not only fine but understandable. Your transness doesn't depend on your family accepting, understanding, or knowing about it. You'll always have and be entitled to a place in this community, if you'd like it. I'm really proud of you

[lipiaknight]

A document of all the abuse ive been dealing with.

Mobility aids

ive told my bf many, many times not to adjust the height of my cane and crutches to fuck with me. He does it anyway because "seeing you wobble is cute" ive told him so many times why its not cute and its incredibly dnagerous to me, but he goes "yeah, but you always adjust it when you change your shoes, how is this any different" for referance, i have a set of demoldable skates that change my height by a good 5-6 inches when open, so i adjust my crustches and cane to accomidate. i wear them when going out for longer time periods because if my legs get tired or my hips start to hurt, i can lock my legs and just skate around. For shorter trips, or around the house, i obvously wear flat shoes, and dont have the extra height, so i adjust them lower its annoying as hell. i also tell him not to put weight on my crutches specifically because i have a wide rubber foot, and theres a weight limit before it will start to rip. when he holds one of my crutches (like if im going to pick someting up, or pay for something) he leans against it. Last time i got mad, he said "its not that expencive to replace the foot, just get a new one" run down to vent chat if you want a very long and in dept explination as to why that is problematic hes 50 lbs over the weight limit, btw

Isolation and lack of aid

Yeah, when my car broke down, i asked if they could help pay to fix my car so i could still work. That way i could get a job in tulsa. I was told no. Every time i asked to borrow the car, and said i could handle something myself, i was forced to have bf or gf go with me. Any time i asked specifically to go alone so i could run errands like get shots, set up appointments and such, i was told no. I even went out of my way to schedule my last doctors appointment when they werent going to be home bcause they had a date and they cancled it so they would be there when i left and when i got back. I planned on walking home and enjoying the sunny day, but they didnt let me walk because it was too far. Not even a mile, and i had my crutches. I tried making friends at my old workplace, but i was working with my bf as the manager, and he repremanded the one friend i had for wasting time on the clock while chatting with me. Its why i have no friends.

The original "i need help" summary

so, first things first. Im not able to work a job down here. I cant make any money, and so because the people im living with refuse to help with medical expences, all my tests and medical equipment is getting stalled. I dont even have my own dresser because ive been told to "get it yourself" when i have no reasonable way to make money. The only thing i can reliably do is comissions and streaming, and even then, income isnt consistant, and its barely enough to cover the medical expences i have. On top of that, when we needed to budget, one of the things that were "limited" were meal replacement shakes, which, when i have days i cant eat at all, is the only way i get neutriance in my system. Im scolded and yelled at when i dont push my body to the point of collapsing, and when i do collapse, im coddled like a child because im injured when it could have been prevented. When i said that what im experiancing is financial abuse because they refuse to support me in the ways that i need and my EBT card is used without my knowlege, my bf threatened to get violent. Even directly told me he wanted to wake me by putting a hole through the door. Im not allowed to vent to friends, and all my social media is watched without my consent, even after i tell them not to because of how my therapist taught me to manage my anger. When i got angry about the ableism and abuse, i was told i have narsisstic, self victimising tendancies, and im scared that ill be put in a place where not even my basic needs are met. its been slowly getting worse and worse over the past 2 years, but i finally feel like its bad enough to reach out

Boundry crossing

i told (my gf) not to go through my DM's when i first moved in because 1) i dont have my old groomers blocked, and i have (cw, grooming bullshit) pictures and messages of me when i was a minor in various states of undress, places where i vent and say things in the worst possible way thanks to autism and the way i process language (example calling it financial abuse when im not given an allowance to buy medical supplies and not having a consistant income as well as them taking my EBT card and using it without my input) and also just... generally flirting with ppl because im poly and i know she has jealousy issues, and instead of respecting that, she did it anyway, and didnt feel guilty till bf said he was dissapointed in her. THEN she told me, and was STILL angry about the way i talked about her, and what i said

unreasonable list of responcibilities while my needs are sidelined

Me: ah yes, My disability making me unable to do chores is the problem, and not the internalised ableism that you aknowlege and refuse to confront because youre tired from work. Get into therapy/nbh context: the only ongoing argument between my gf and i is that she wants me to clean more. The expectations of me are, and i quote

-vaccum every 3 days (the vaccum is to heavu and i have repepatedly asked for a lighter one so i can)

-wash and put away the dishes (hands over head make me pass out. I have broken dishes before. That and i have alot of trauma around doing dishes as a task, so i get really bad anxiety and they ignore me asking for comfort)

-feed, water, animals as well as take care of litter (but im not alowed to claim the animals are mine? because that makes her upset?)

-take out trash every other day (trash doesnt filll that often, and ive been fighting for me to have healther food and drinks so theres less waste. I create less than a quarter of the waste in this house)

-meal prep for BF to cook (and also make their work lunches, and take care of portioning ect)

ALL OF THIS while also having a physical disability that makes it incredibly difficult to stand / walk without pain, in a house that is so unaccessable that- on days i can get out of bed but barely, i cant leave my room because of steps and caving in floors, and STILL doing my youtube, twitch, AND comission carreer. Shes getting upset that im not able to do it all and is CONSTANTLY lecturing me because she "doesnt want to treat (me) like a child, but (im) acting like one by not helping out" i cant even fucking move away because theres no accessable jobs in my area and my previous jobs arent an option anymore because of how covid affected the people i worked for. i keep telling her to get into therapy for her PTSD and for her ableism, but ONE failed therapist appointment means she compleatly fucking dropped out. what makes it worse is that my BF is encouraging this behavior. by not telling her off i mean

Person 1: that's too much chores like objectively that is a not sustainable or normal amount of chores. also the animal thing is concerning too

Me: BuT tHeY wOrK 8 hOuRs a DaY. i ShOuLd Be AbLe To HaNdLe It (translation: but they work 8 hours a day. I should be able to handle it)

Person 1: she also shouldn't be infantilizing you for having issues regulating a large amount of tasks. are they much older than you?. youre still quite young, is that your first time living alone?

Me: im 20. shes 35 and hes 38 (yes i recognise how problematic that is)

Person 2 (responding to person 1) Definitely not for sure. Might be reasonable for an able bodied person maybe, but definitely not reasonably with your disability.

Person 1: age gaps can work when the relationship is built on trust, communication, and understanding.

Person 1 (responding to person 2): meal prep plus dishes plus vacuuming every three days is already a not normal amount

Me (responding to person 1): kinda? i lived in an apartment with a roomate before this, but she was a VERY tidy person, and we both owned very few things, and the apartment was highly accessable. The bathroom was even a reporpoused walk in closet, so i could have had a wheelchair if i wanted at the time and been able to navigate fine

Person 2: Everyone in my house has allergies, especially to dust, and my mom only vacuums once a week, so every 3 days seems ridiculous.

Me: we have 3 animals that we dont groom, and theyre allergic to pollen. They want me to care for the pollen... instead of... i dunno, not getting a hottub and saving up for an air purifier?

Person 1: this is sounding more and more like they want a live-in cleaner. them choosing to work 8 hour shifts does not mean you don't get to have choices and a life

Me: BTW, did i mention they got a hottub? like... less than a week ago? after i had been asking for a fucking dresser for months because i dont have anywhere to put my clean clothes and towels and the pet hair on my skin after i shower causes meltdowns

Person 2: Chores should be split equitably, not equally. (2 people responded with a This emote)

Me: it doesnt even have to be brand fucking new. I will be happy with a 50$ dresser covered in shitty paint from goodwill. i just need a place i can put my clean clothes. Also, did i mention that theres wasps on the back porch, where the drier is? and my family has a history of being allergic to wasps? so i panic when i go out there to wash, dry and put away laundry that i cant even fucking put away, and they treat it like im fucking manipulating them. im sorry that i dont know if im allergic or not and ther seriousness of the allergy has put people in the er and even killed family members, and im not willing to risk that. They like "just do laundry at night" as if its not too cold to walk outside. THEY DONT EVEN DO LAUNDRY AT NIGHT BECAUSE ITS TOO FUCKING COLD. they expect my coping mechanisms to make me healthy and normal. They dont realise im fucking coping, not healing.

Me (responding to person 2): but its easy for them! should be easy for me!! /sarc

Person 1: (My name censored) I gotta say this doesn't sound like a safe situation for you to be in. (person 2 agrees)

Me: its not. It never fucking was. Heres a bit of fun math for you! i turn 21 in august. my bf and i's 3 year anneversary will be the following january. my options at the time when i moved in with them were to either move back in with my mom (which was objectivly worse than this) or drive 14 hours, alone (because my gf didnt want to drive an hour in the snow to fly bf to drive with me) and have a place to stay with people who said they loved me, or become houseless. I was in a tripple loose situation. and now im fucking stuck. Im undervalued, scolded constantly, unsafe due to both location and their behavior, and unable to work or drive because my junker of a car died. Im stuck and theres nothing i can do. i just... im tired. i dont want to be here. I want to be able to move somewhere that i will be safe and get the care i need

More information on the "messing with my disability aids" from earlier

Me: ive told my bf many, many times not to adjust the height of my cane and crutches to fuck with me. He does it anyway because "seeing you wobble is cute". i just-...

Person A: ????? thats so fucked up

Person B: What the actual fuck??

Person A: "seeing you struggle to walk even more than usual is amusing to me" thats what that means

Person B: "I broke your kneecaps because it's adorable watching you struggle 📷"

Person A: my wife wont even touch my mobility aids without asking

Me: ive told him so many times why its not cute and its incredibly dnagerous to me, but he goes "yeah, but you always adjust it when you change your shoes, how is this any different"

Person A: that's.......not the same thing... one is getting dressed and ready to go out somewhere, and the other is being harassed and having to fix what was messed up

Me: for referance, i have a set of demoldable skates that change my height by a good 5-6 inches when open, so i adjust my crustches and cane to accomidate. i wear them when going out for longer time periods because if my legs get tired or my hips start to hurt, i can lock my legs and just skate around. For shorter trips, or around the house, i obvously wear flat shoes, and dont have the extra height, so i adjust them lower. its annoying as hell. i also tell him not to put weight on my crutches specifically because i have a wide rubber foot, and theres a weight limit before it will start to rip. when he holds one of my crutches (like if im going to pick someting up, or pay for something) he leans against it. Last time i got mad, he said "its not that expencive to replace the foot, just get a new one". hes 50 lbs over the weight limit, btw

Person C: i’ll beat his ass

Me: i would encourage it, but im still living with him. not yet. gimme 2 months

Person A: i hate to ask this kind of question, but if hes treating you that way is not being with him an option?

Me: siigh. (not at you, jsut alot of info hang on)

Person A: u don't have to answer if u don't want to. no pressure

Me: so, i am working on running away. In order to do so, ive done the math and to get on my feet, ill need between 2 and 2.5k$. 2.5k if were including transportation (my food will be covered by SNAP) I have a plane tiket out on the 20th, and i have a place to stay. Im not sharing my entire plan in this discord because my discord DM's are read. Not my servers, though, but im not willing to play with the chances of my plan being ruined. Im working on getting a job now, and fundraising to get the 2.5 needed to cover my first months expences via both comissions and donations, but its not going anywhere. im at 400 now. Thats it. if i break up with him, ill be kicked out. If i bring up the fact that im being abused, he will get violent. He already has in the past and swung at me. I cant work where i live due to lack of a car and lack of accessable jobs. Im in the process of running away now. just takes time. "why dont you get out sooner?" saving money takes time. Plus, my aunt is the one buying the ticket. I want to avoid holiday prices. more likely ill get a bit extra once im down here "what took you so long to realise it was bad?" love bombing and getting into a relationship with a 35 and 37 year old at 18 when i didnt know their ages and they didnt say when asked, "Has he hit you before?" no. Hes swung and missed, hit walls, put holes in doors and furnature, but hasnt techincally hit me yet. I dont expect that to last. "are you safe right now?" as long as i keep my head down and mouth sut about my plans, yes. Ill be fine (edited)

Person A: wow, im sorry you're having to go through that, but im proud of you for taking the steps you're taking. its incredibly difficult to do what youre doing, but you'll be better off for it (edited)

Me: i just wish the fundraising was working. also, clearifying that ill be leaving january 20th, not dec 20th

Person A: i hope you're able to make up the money

Me: ive been referring to it as "the 20th" with my friends to make it harder to discern. Also, all of my dm's about the situation have been in code, as well as cyphered. for F, i just use enji, for T i use enji plus a 6- cypher, and pictography using emotes plus enji for M1 (names of my friends cencored for my safety)

Person A: that's pretty cool!

Me: this is now the third time ive had to run away somewhere else for my own safety. Its jut the first time ive had to do so with so few resources. Im really good at runaway notes, cryptography, and secret messages. when i post on tiktok, i use the simplist secret code there is so my bf and gf cant see it. just... write out your message with the first letter of a sentance

My public harrassment being brushed off and ignored

Me: The thing that pisses me off, is the one time I tried to use the scooter at Walmart because I was shopping for he house alone for the first time in a while, I got scolded by an employee for not walking. When I explained that I hurt myself getting out of my car, otherwise I would use my mobility aids, she said "if you're hurt, go to the doctor. Don't be lazy" then stormed off. This was before I was medicated for my anxiety, so I just had a panic attack. I mean... How does one even respond to that???

Person W: run her over

Person Y: eat her

Person X: (replying to person W) Not with the scooter, with a car

Me: This is the same worker who saw me without my cane on a good day and asked where it was because, and I quote "I thought all you crippleds need those"

Person Y: wtf

Person Z: Going to a doctor isn't an immediate thing. You don't get hurt and then immediately see a doctor and immediately get treated. It doesn't work like that. And injuries don't immediately go away the moment that you see a doctor either.

Person Y: also has she considered that not all people have access to doctors

Person Z: ^this too

Person Y: ALSO has she considered that doctors can be busy and not have time to see you

Me: She's also the same one who told me I wasn't allowed to wear the demoldable skates I like to use when my mobility is low because I can just lock my knees and be dragged around. Like a wheelchair, but worse!

Person X: You should report her to management. (4 people reacted with a "this" emote)

Me: Fun fact! I am allowed to wear them in Walmart, it's perfectly fine. There's a size limit to the wheels allowed indoors, but it's allowed.

Person W: this is some sort of harassment

Me: Probably.

Person W: you can report it

Person X: this woman never speak again challenge

Me: She doesn't bother me when I'm with my bf and gf, so I didn't bring it up due to anxiety, and Havnt talked to her since I got on meds, but I'm just thinking, and just.... Fuck, man... I let alot of shit slide because of my anxiety in the past that I shouldn't have

Person W: did you tell your partners? they both may be able to help you report it

Me: I did, but their responce was basically "just don't talk to her, you basically never leave the house anyway" which is true, but it was annoying to hear. I dunno, I can't really go anywhere on my own as is, so it's not like anything changes considering how uncomfy she makes me, but still....

threats of violence

M1: The other day I realized That your bf and gf are my siblings in law kind. I think I will show my love by being feral toward them. I will just growl at them and bite them but in a fond way. except your gf. She scares me. Just a little. Not too much because I’m the biggest man

Me: they dont really like you

M1: that’s valid actually. I was just joking. being silly if you will. I’m sorry I didn’t know- I thought they did like me- I was trying to warm up to them and shit /gen. It’s okay that they don’t like me though that’s fine

Me: (context, i had taken an edible to manage my anxiety) Ok, i need to type this out while im still sober, its important. i told them about your financial abuse thing, and it made them both angry. Bf violently so. they basically said to stay out of our relationship, so they dont like you. As far as they know, im not talking to you for a few days. In reality, i wasnt talking to anyone relly, not just you

M1: Oh. I don’t like that they don’t like me because of that.

Me: same here

M1: They don’t have to like me because I’m annoying and not chill n shit. That’s fine. But because I said that they were abusive? And telling me to stay out of it? That’s fucked. I don’t feel like you’re safe there. I don’t like that. Be careful. I wish I could help but the only thing I could do is ask someone to help me help you financially get out. And you don’t know my parents like that and you wouldn’t want their help

Me: Bf desnt want to be called an abuser period. His ex claimed he was an abuser and still uses that as a method of earning money.

M1: that is…. A red flag. so is his ex don’t get me wrong

Me: he was really angry when he heard that. He told me that if it werent for his "spirtual council" (the spirits helping to manage his anger) he would have "put a hole through that door to wake you. Thats how angry i was". He seriously scared me, so i havnt talked to him much since

M1: That’s bad. That’s really bad. You know that right? Like that’s not good

Me: yeah

M1: Okay cool just checking. You wanna leave? Do you want out?

Me: im not entirely sure, if im being honest. i care alot alot, and i do love them, but what he said made me litterally feel sick.

M1: I know

Me: they emphasised that if the idea that they were abusive came from me and not you, the options were to 1) kick me out, 2) force me to get a job and start paying rent and break up with me, or to "call your mom, and have her come pick you up"

M1: That’s horrible. They’re fucking horrible. and I know you love them and I’m sorry

Me: im just... so scared. I know i cant support myself with how bad my body is. and i love them so much. The way Bf kept talking about being so mad he wanted to hurt me, then immedantly relaxed when he heared that the idea came from you.... Fuck, now i remember why these memories were kept from me lol

Closing thoughts

There is so much more, but when i made the deicision to run away, alot of my messages were deleted for my own safety while i make plans. As written above, My DM's are read, and my main account on here is also read without my consent. If you happen to have advice, Please hit up my DM's