#also i recognize you!! thank you for sticking around since pretty much the beginning of my blog đ«¶
Hello. I wanted to say that i've been following you for some time and i find your Vietnamese Clothing for DA characters stunning. They are so beautiful and you drew them perfectly and with a style that not only make sense (for example inspiring Bethany circle robes to those of a religious order) but they are also in line with the character original style. So... it's amazing!
Thank you so much! And I'm glad you enjoy the behind-the-scenes details; those little aspects often keep me up at night, since there are aspects of the Thedas worldbuilding (especially DA2) that are quite tricky to translate to/express with Vietnamese culture. I try to embrace imperfections whenever I can, choosing which aspects about the characters to highlight and which to let loose, and yet it still took me more than a year to finish Merrill's design đ
I realized I never drew my Vy in this AU, so here are both of my Hawkes in a picture together, with their Vietnamese names. Cirilla becomes TrĂĄc LáșĄc (éŽèș - roughly translated into "having outstanding abilities"), as his father wished for her to be heroic and capable, and Vy becomes TÆ°á»ng Vy (èè - climbing rose), as Leandra wished for her to be noble and resilient.
(And yes if you send me an ask for this AU I will draw/post new art for this AU đ)
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Now that Bluesummers is back on the playing field, I'm a bit scared of what's to come. He better not hurt my precious Livio.
Stream-of-consciousness thoughts for TriMax Vol. 11, Chapters 5-6 below.
Chapter 5: Get Ready, Get Set
HAhahahahahaha, Knives is double-D's....
Chronicaaaaaaa!!! I've been waiting to meet her since I heard about her in Stampede! Look at her, sitting there all pretty with her hot tea.
"This kind of problem"? This suggests they've dealt with it before, or at least have taken the possibility of it into consideration.
Well, if fusing with other plants gets around the black hair phenomenon, then Knives should be fine. That's... a... good thing....?
Yeah, I'm beginning to think the dependent Plants are legit trying to overwhelm Knives with their own consciousnesses to sort of save him without killing him. Kind of like what he's doing, except there's a LOT more of them, and they're a LOT less violent.
Uhhhh... did this guy just lob a coin at them and then... die??
LOL, Vash is being way too dramatic about this. You can't tell me that, in all his years on a planet with a decreasing population, he never learned to recognize a dead body.
LOL, random question about clams vs. fish. Where are they getting either of those on this planet? From Plants??
Ohhhh, Zazie. That explains a lot. Zazie's done with Knives right now. And since Zazie's worms, being shredded up by Legato isn't exactly gonna stop them.
I like the little worm halo. You know, so we know it's dead.
LOL, panic and descending chaos. I approve.
LOL, EVERYONE is crying. Worm panic causes tears.
I wonder if Stampede will introduce control worms or if they'll just stick with the extensive spy network.
Dude, Meryl and Milly did a thorough search of the device and didn't realize it has an audio playing function embedded in it??
Wait, he's connected to Legato now?? That's so impractical. What if Legato was still in a coma? Or taking a leak? Or had his mouth full of beef that he was slurping up??
Also, whyyyy does he have a new weird iron maiden puppet thing?? Do I want to know? I feel like I don't want to know.
Man, I get Vash's depression over this. But Livio is here to cheer him on!
Oh, gosh, Livio.... You aren't a monster, my friend. You're just a person.
"That bitch"? Strong words. Does he mean Elandira?
Ah, yeah, he does.
I... do not know if Livio can actually handle Elandira. She's pretty unhandle-able.
Ok, this right here is a good moment for Livio.
LOL, did Vash hurt his hand giving Livio a friendly pat?
Vash is the resident Plant expert here.
DIY explosives. Not concerning at all. Luida looks ready to smack him if he gives the wrong answer here.
Wait, Luida hears the voices of the Plants? What does that mean??
Ohhh, NM, that was Vash speaking.
"Is it possible for something created by humanity to completely break away from their creators?" Let me direct you to Exhibit A: Vash the Stampede, and perhaps more convincing Exhibit B: Millions Knives. Yes, I realize there's room for debate on how much either of them have "broken away," but they definitely have a will that is independent of the will of those who created them.
Ohhh, these are Plant thoughts. That makes them a LOT more significant.
Aww, Vash calling the Plants in the arc "the girls."
How the hell is Vash gonna keep both Knives and Legato in check? That didn't work out so well for him last time.
OMG everything about this. Thank God these two are finally hugging it out. They need this.
Milly telling Vash that Meryl can still get sad. Good on her. Anyone can still get sad. Being able to get sad isn't a sign of weakness.
Ugh, them kissing their fists and then bumping them. This is why people ship these two.
"Who's that helping us? Vash the Stampede, you say? Hmm, sounds familiar, but I just can't place it." Something something social strata. This guy's never been low enough on the totem poles to keep abreast of bounty hunter knowledge.
FYI, the untranslated Japanese across the top here is basically, "What the hell?!" or "What was that?!"
Ohhhh, that stupid-ass military general doesn't look like he's prepared to comply.
The Earth forces are not happy about Knives. Including Chronica.
Aaaand Livio's hunted down Elandira. I'm sure this will go smoothly.
Chapter 6: That Which Can Be Protected
Why do I feel like this volume is gonna end on a major cliffhanger?
Oh, hey! Baby Livio!
That's right! You've protected others before, and you can do it again!
What, you guys just gonna stare at each other all day? I mean, that's not necessarily bad. I'm just asking.
She looks kinda sad.
That... is one giant nail.
Yeah, she's pretty scary. The only thing that gives Livio a chance here is how crazy his regenerative ability is.
How did she know where he would stand so her nail landed in the right spot?
TBH, Elandira doesn't seem to like most people, regardless of gender. Have we met anyone she likes? She tolerates Zazie and Wolfwood, and didn't seem any more positively inclined than that toward any of the other Gung-Ho Guns. She hates Legato. She's dedicated to Knives, but she doesn't seem to like him. He's her boss and is gonna take her to Armageddon. It seems more transactional than anything else.
Ooh, low blow, Elandira. Very in character for her, but... but... I, the reader, don't want to hear people insulting Wolfwood like that.
Mmmmm, this is not a secluded fighting spot. That's... problematic.
"I was going to let you go because we're all going to die anyway." Hahaha, she's such a nihilist. I would have loved to have seen her in a more casual, less murder-ful setting. She would LOVE running her own drag bar, I think.
Hahahaha, all the random civilians being like, "You guys are too rowdy! Get out!" Good for them. Also, they clearly don't know who they're talking to.
Noooooo! Stop hurting my Livio! He needs to be protected, not FILLED WITH GIANT NAILS!!!
Ok, this is interesting. It sounds like some part of her wants to hope, or maybe did hope at some point in time, but the world beat it out of her a long time ago. She sounds... like Livio in the Before Times.
Man, I thought that looked like a nuke, but I didn't want to assume something about this world's tech like that.
How did she get the key for the bomb??
Hey! I recognize that hat!
Awww, of course he was protecting kids! And now these kids are gonna have the kind of trauma one gets from seeing someone who was trying to protect you brutally stabbed through with a bunch of nails.
Aww, Livio's decided kids are cute. Good for him.
They just met him and they're so worried about him! Oh, I think I should probably be worried about him, too, but for some reason I'm not? IDK, I just think he'll pull through.
See? He's fine. And apparently about to try to adopt half a dozen kids.
Oh, they have a mother-type person. Good. Livio's life's a bit dangerous right now to be looking after a bunch of kids. Maybe when things settle down.
He seems hesitant to accept this gift, but he also knows this act of gratitude is important to her.
Hahahaha, this little hat kid is determined. Scared, but determined.
Oh, man. When do you think Livio last felt his heart soar? This is giving me the feels.
Ohhhh shit, it's his old crush! Also, six years my ass.
Hmm, not so cliffhanger after all. Nice.
Archive
Trigun Vol. 1: Covers + 1-3, 4, 5-6, 7-8, 9-10 || Vol. 2: Covers + Extras, 1, 2-4, 5-6, 7-8
TriMax Vol. 1: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 2: Covers + 1, 2-4, 5, 6-7 || Vol. 3: Covers + 1-3, 4-5, 6-7 || Vol. 4: Covers + 1-2, 3-5, 6-7 || Vol. 5: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 6: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 7: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 8: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5 + Bonus || Vol. 9: Covers + 1-2, 3-4, 5-6 || Vol. 10: Covers + 1-3, 4-5, 6-8 || Vol. 11: Covers + 1-2, 3-4
Extra Credit: Trigun Vol. 1: Nebraska vs. Vash's Motivations, Vash's Loneliness, Vash's Depression (pt. 2 of post), Soupy Brains || Vol. 2: Coin Factoids || TriMax Vol. 1: Lina, Vash, and a Haircut || Meryl, Vash, and the Pursuit of Happiness || Vol. 5: Knives, Vash, and Hatred for Humanity || Vol. 6: Coping Series: Wolfwood, Meryl, Vash || Vol. 8: The Uncoordinated Counterattack || Vol. 9: Justice, Punishment, and Mercy, The Tolling of an Iron Bell || Vol. 10: Crucifixion Symbology (pt. 2 of post), Merging of Families, Being Childlike (And Why God Hates Chapel)
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Honestly everyoneâs interaction is waaaay way down. Iâm sure youâve seen it happen before in between albums and concert cycles. Iâm pretty sure youâve been here a lot longer than many of the other active writers. Iâm actually amazed by how fast the turnover rate is in this fandom. If I look at a post from a year or two ago, I donât recognize hardly any of the usernames in the notes. So it might be that a lot of your followers are no longer aboard the hyperfixation train or theyâre just not around due to lack of new material from the band. Iâm positive youâve heard everything Iâm saying before and I donât want to sound patronizingâespecially since youâve been here forever. But I think youâre a fantastic writer and such a Ghost fandom staple and I would be really devastated if you left. (Also when it comes to the x reader girlies theyâre gonna ignore everyone but papas ii-iv and maybe swiss and phantom. So definitely keep that in mind!) please continue to write if it brings you any kind of joy or fulfillment. Your readers will find you. You are NOT unwanted. There are just significantly less active ghost bloggers right now. Itâs crickets for everyone but a very small handful of writers and artists (and I guarantee their usual numbers are cut in half too). If you want to stick around, you really should. You contribute so much to this space and Iâm so sorry youâre feeling this way. đ
Iâm pretty sure youâve been here a lot longer than many of the other active writers.
Yeah, 100%. I joined in February 2020 to begin publishing, and I only know of two other writers that are still active as of when I joined. And as for the fluctuations, yeah, it does happen... but I've been seeing this low interaction with me specifically for over a year now, even during peak season.
Itâs crickets for everyone but a very small handful of writers and artists (and I guarantee their usual numbers are cut in half too).
I've been running some numbers and it seems a lot of others are hovering around an average of 100 notes for writing, and I'm at around 7. Maybe I just need new followers-- your point about it being a ghost (haha) town has some merit, honestly. Unsure if my tagging system is an issue or not, that's part of what I need to think about/figure out.
Thank you for your really well thought out message, I really appreciate it. You're right on all counts. If I had to ratio it out right now, 60:40 to me staying.
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Hi! I was wondering if I could get a matchup with a character from twisted wonderland.
My nameâs Rachel, Iâm 19, and my pronouns are she/her. My zodiac sign is Taurus and Iâm an INFP.Â
For my personality, Iâm really bad at initially talking to people and definitely more introverted. I opt to spend my time alone rather than with people. I do think Iâm creative and more enjoyable to be around after knowing me for a while. Iâm compassionate and care a lot for people close to me, and I do my best to appreciate them. I zone out a lot and donât pick up on conversations sometimes. Iâm also impatient and very stubborn.Â
Iâve played piano for 12 years, so thatâs a big passion of mine. I love getting the opportunity to play and I definitely thinks it helps me better express myself. I also know how to figure skate. Iâve been skating since I was a child, and itâs another big passion of mine. Iâd like to think Iâm good enough to be in the olympics but definitely not. :) Other just general things I like doing are baking, and sewing. Iâve found that I try out new hobbies a lot but get tired or forget about them pretty quickly, so the ones that stick are pretty important! I wouldnât say thereâs much that I dislike, but I absolutely hate any bug ever. Iâm also not a big fan of fish or seafood at all.Â
I honestly feel like my appearance is pretty boring. I have dark brown hair a little longer than my shoulders. It curls up into waves at some parts but is straight in others. I honestly hate how it looks but donât really have the materials to do anything about it. I have dark brown eyes, and fairly long eyelashes. My skin is pale, Iâve tried to tan before but it doesnât really work. Iâm 5â7 and pretty slim. I have been told by strangers that I could be a model though, so that definitely helps with my confidence. I feel like if I was a color, I would be a muted lavender color. My favorite is pink though. Total contrast to my style/aesthetic, which is very streetwear and kinda grungy. I definitely admire more coquette styles, I just donât think they suit me well.
Hope that was all good, thank you so much!!
Seafood haters unite
== Twisted Wonderland ==>
I match you up withâŠ
Ace Trappola
Pre-relationship:
You and Ace form a teasing yet dependable friendship quickly, much like in the lore of the actual TWST game. You start by fighting and resisting one another, but soon become very close friends.Â
Heâs the extrovert to your introvert, and the right brain to your left one (even if he doesnât seem to have brains at all at times).Â
But youâre both similarly impatient and stubborn, and god forgive anyone who thinks they can dissuade you two from something when you have your mind set on it.Â
He likes that you have a musical talent, as he admires people who have passions like that - ones that allow them to create and express themselves in ways he doesnât always feel that he can.Â
Heâs not dumb - he does recognize when he begins to fall for you. Of course, he hides it behind his teasing and reckless attitude, but youâll catch him staring at you for a bit too long out of the corner of your eye.Â
Confession:Â
Iâm not sure Ace would ever willingly confess to you. Not for any bad reason, but rather because he values your friendship too much, and doesnât want to lose one of the few close friends he has.Â
Of course, everyone urges him to confess, but he resists. And even if he does confess, it would be at his own pace.Â
Ergo, I like to imagine that he confesses when one or both of you are in danger, such as when youâre recovering after an overblot, or when you get back from some dangerous adventure, and he realizes that losing your friendship over his feelings is better than losing you altogether. And so he tells you, face red but eyes completely serious. Â
Itâs not necessarily romantic but itâs so dramatic and charming nonetheless.Â
Relationship:
Really the only thing that changes between you two is his openness with his affection for you. Heâll keep an arm around your shoulders when you two hang out, and plant kisses on your head when you bake.Â
Heâll steal kisses too.Â
I like to imagine you two going to an ice arena for a date, and him being so in awe of your skating abilities that he falls right on his ass. Youâll remind him of that story at every chance you get - and heâll hate that he loves the way you laugh so beautifully.
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Clean freak (Chapter 2)
Pairing: Joseph Joestar/Caesar Anthonio Zeppeli
Rating: Explicit
AO3 link here
Summary:  So. Uh. Maybe Caesar Zeppeli wasn't that bothered by Joseph being a sweaty bastard. By smelling like a sweaty bastard. Not that Caesar had a habit of smelling people, but spending countless days sparring with someone else (a muscular guy) does certain things to you. And you do notice, for instance, that your sparring partner definitely doesn't dress in nice-smelling clothes, doesn't use cologne and/or rose-smelling lotion. But saying "ew Jojo, you smell gross don't get close to me" was both a nice pretense for upholding Caesar's clean freak reputation and way easier than admitting that he may have absolutely nothing against the mix of Joseph's corporal scent, his sweat and his cheap 3 in 1 shampoo + conditioner (what does he even need conditioner for?) + body wash.Â
Notes: Â
I'm!!!!! back!!!!!! I'm so sorry it's taken me literal years to upload the second chapter but life has been terrible these past years. Anyway, if anyone remembers this story, feel free to read the closing chapter, that I have not, by any means, written during my working hours because I was alone on the reception desk.
Come scream at me about Caejose or anything!! I'd love to talk to you gus. I hope you've enjoyed this chapter and the overall story, this was really self indulgent not gonna lie, the ending is a little bit off because I didn't know how to wrap everything up. But I'm so happy this is finally complete!!
Comments and kudos are much appreciated! Thank you for sticking (hehe) with me âĄâĄâĄâĄ
Twitter: @/Kashiikas
fic under the cut!
Caesar was a guy who really cared about cleanliness. He liked seeing his surroundings clean and gleaming. Of course, his personal hygiene was no exception. Heâd had enough of living in dirty, abandoned and rusty places back in his hoodlum era. Whether wandering around the streets because he had nowhere to belong anymore or living somewhere where he couldnât even take a decent shower was the worst that had happened to him, Caesar doesnât know. What he does know is that since Master Lisa Lisa took him in and, despite the arduous training he had to endure, he had access to showering in human conditions, and that he felt as though the happiest man on Earth.Â
It seems though that apparently, he was the only one in that island excluding Master Lisa Lisa and Suzie Q who cared a little bit about hygiene and manners. Well, there were like, four people in the island, so ruling out these exceptions, there was only one person left who didnât abide by Caesarâs morale.
Joseph Joestar.
Joseph freaking Joestar.
Caesar didnât even know how to feel about that guy. Sure, their first encounter wasnât how you start a friendship (or whatever it is that they⊠have going on) but at least the blonde considers that heâs gotten to know Joseph pretty well.Â
The first thing Caesar noticed about the other was his lack of any politeness, manners or, in overall, sense of dignity. That guy allowed himself to be outright goofy and undistinguished in front of other people, and didnât seem to feel any remorse at that. In all honesty, a part deep inside of Caesarâs psyche was jealous of his âapparently, yet again, that was his first impressionâ carefree personality. But maybe it was also because he was carefree that Caesarâs animosity towards that guy was so powerful at the beginning at least: as far as he was concerned, he was totally clueless in regards to his family background. Caesarâs fixation towards clean things wasnât his most defining trait. It was definitely the pride he harbored towards his duty as a Zeppeli. Family was the most important thing to him; his father died sacrificing himself for him even though he didnât recognize him as his son. And then his grandfather died protecting Jonathan Joestar.Â
The second thing Caesar noticed was that Joseph wasnât dumb at all. He pretended to be dumb so the enemy would take him lightly. But deep inside he was a cunning bastard. His hamon may be weak, but he knew how to come up with a plan in the direst of circumstances. Technique against lack of restraint. Both were a great asset in battle and different perspectives aimed at the same goal. Caesarâs way of handling things has been proven effective (or at least since he began training under Master Lisa Lisaâs wing) but undoubtedly, merging his combat style with Josephâs surpassed his expectations. At first he didnât think heâd take it seriously, Joseph could just have defeated Santana by chance. But Caesar was proven wrong. During his first encounter with Wham, Joseph protected everyone. Not only that, but also showed a fighting spirit that made Caesar feel enamored by it. It was captivating. He could sense his will to fight. That was probably the turning point.Â
But the turning point for what exactly?
It was against all odds that Caesar could feel attracted to someone like this. But apparently, life was full of surprises.
The third thing he noticed about Joseph wasâŠÂ
Damn, even having to admit it to himself felt like too much of an ordeal.
Joseph Joestar was hot. Like, an annoying type of hot. Starting-to-affect-him-way-too-much to-keep-his-cool-and-composure-hot. There was no helping it anyway, Caesar could appreciate beautiful people. He had an eye for beauty. And apparently for hot studs. Equally Dumb and Hot studs. And Joseph fit right in. Not that Caesarâs physique paled in comparison to Josephâs, but still. He had⊠a thing for muscular guys. Joseph did not disappoint. He always seemed to be proud of his âhandsome faceâ (he was right) but his body? a whole other level. Admiring it from a far distance was already too much, but they were training together, after all. It didnât help either that his comrade dressed in a likely way Caesar did. Those tight tops that he wore all the time did justice to his pecs. His abs. And well, he hadnât seen the other in shorts but he feels like those legs could crush his head and heâd gla-
okay. Enough is enough.
Caesarâs horniness and attraction towards his companion wouldnât have been an issue if he could⊠unload his sexual frustrations normally, but there were a few counterpoints. They had separate rooms, but Joseph liked loitering in his far more time than needed (thank god he had the mask on, had he been mask-less Caesarâs eyes would have lingered too much on his mouth) and, even at night, he could try jerking off, except for the fact that he couldnât. One would expect that Lisa Lisaâs Mansion had top tier construction with amazing, sound-proof like walls.Â
That was not the case though.
The walls separating their rooms were paper thin. He could hear all the sounds coming from Josephâs room. The music. His laugh when reading those absurd comics he liked. Every time he stumbled off bed and hit himself with random furniture because he was clumsy in the mornings. Overall, this was a nice routine and change of pace for Caesar. He was used to danger, to ugly noises, to the sound of people screaming, the sound of his fists hitting other hoodlums like himself. But hearing Joseph like that was almost homely in a newfound way. However, this had a downside. If he jerked off in his room and a moan escaped from his mouth even if he tried to stifle it with a pillow, Joseph would know.Â
Caesar was loud when it came to this kind of stuff. And Joseph seemed to be loud as well. He could almost hear those noises if he closed his eyes.
So the only choice left was the bathroom. They had to share that one, but, well, Joseph wasnât one for long showers. He wasnât one for showers, in general. Caesar had enough self-control, so he was able to avoid getting hard from having Joseph under him in training. He felt so pliant underneath him, the close contact, the sweat lingering in the air⊠everything made Caesar so dizzy he had to relax somehow. And since he had the classic clean freak reputation he took long showers everyday both to get rid of the sweat clinging to his body and the lust clouding his brain. Showers were a ritual for him anyway. He liked taking his time to get undressed, sensually undressed, as if someone, a specific someone, were looking at him through a hole on the wall he didnât know was there. He took his sweet time during the actual showering process too. His golden locks didnât look as soft and glittering just because; Caesar actively took care of them, massaging his scalp in slow, pleasant motions to make sure his shampoo was well spread. Same thing with his body. He wanted to look clean and smell nicely since he had a routine after all.
He had managed to keep his urges in control for a while, until he was basically on edge. Joseph had called him his Personal Hygiene Reminder because day after day he would tell the brunet to take a shower already because he smelled gross.
Well, that was the surface excuse. The actual plan went deeper than that. And there was probably an ulterior motive, one that Genius Strategist Joseph Joestar hadn't managed to unravel yet. Unless he has, but Caesar is better off trying to convince himself otherwise. That would make Caesar an open book. Which he never was and will never be, period.Â
So. Uh. Maybe Caesar Zeppeli wasn't that bothered by Joseph being a sweaty bastard. By smelling like a sweaty bastard. Not that Caesar had a habit of smelling people, but spending countless days sparring with someone else (a muscular guy) does certain things to you. And you do notice, for instance, that your sparring partner definitely doesn't dress in nice-smelling clothes, doesn't use cologne and/or rose-smelling lotion. But saying "ew Jojo, you smell gross don't get close to me" was both a nice pretense for upholding Caesar's clean freak reputation and way easier than admitting that he may have absolutely nothing against the mix of Joseph's corporal scent, his sweat and his cheap 3 in 1 shampoo + conditioner (what does he even need conditioner for?) + body wash.Â
That's why, for self-preservation purposes, Caesar has decided to pester the bastard until he gets a fucking decent shower. Not a 2 hour long ritual (though he should) nor a quick scrub and that's that. Somewhere in between. Perfectly balanced, as everything should be. That way, he won't have to think about how turned on he actually is and he can have some, as he's sure Joseph would name it, "stress relief".Â
But who would be the one relieving stress?
Joseph?
Caesar?
Maybe both?
Probably both. He's not as dumb as to believe that Joseph hasn't had the surprisingly bright idea to jerk himself off in the shower. That would explain why the past few days the brunet has been extremely annoying about the amount of time Caesar spends in the shower walls. That, and when Joseph said "I bet you put a nice show there'', the easy response was "I'm not allowing your dirty disheveled self anywhere near my shower ritual, Jojo", but if the bastard wanted a show, fine, he would have a show. A private one, at that. But it would abide by Caesar's rules. He was the levelheaded part of the duo after all. His extreme horniness since their training started had nothing to do with this.Â
Every great plan needs some preparations that need to be taken care of beforehand. Heâd learned that from Joseph. Of course this doesnât mean that Caesar didnât plan his strategies in advance, in fact, he did spend much more time on them than Joseph did. The brunet had the skill to come up with a brilliant plan on the spot and pass it as a sudden and silly idea that popped into his head by chance. But it wasnât by chance at all. Anyway, now it was Caesarâs time to shine.
The first step was the usual âgo tell Joseph youâre going to use the showerâ, but with the addendum of some horny intent, and Caesar wearing only a towel covering from below his waist was the icing on the cake. What could go wrong?Â
For starters, Josephâs door was shut, which was unnatural coming from the brunet because he gave a damn about privacy (not only his, but everyoneâs) and had claimed multiple times that âhe had nothing to hideâ. So, if the door was shut this time, did that mean that there was something he didnât want others to see? Time to test the waters.Â
He knocks once. No response. Now thatâs odd, heâs usually eager to answer when someone knocks, the few times his door is shut.
He knocks again. Still, no response. The room sounds surprisingly quiet and thatâs where Caesar started to feel annoyed. Was Joseph avoiding him on purpose? Did something happen to him? It was unusual for his room to be this quiet, so why?
This time, Caesar decides to speak.
âJojo!â Caesar's voice comes through the door. Heâs demanding, too riled up for pleasantries, and itâs Joseph anyway itâs not like he needs to act polite around him. âSince youâre not answering, Iâm going to come in to make sure youâre here and that you didnât remove your mask or do anything funny.â
 God bless the mask excuse. While it wasnât technically a lie, if Joseph had his mask off right now because he had succeeded in taking it off, that wasnât Caesarâs problem. But it did give him the perfect alibi. There werenât hidden intentions anywhere, he just wanted to check up on his training partner. Nothing more, nothing less.Â
Caesar hears some fumbling in the room, the rustle of bed sheetsâ just what the hell is happening in there? Fuck it, no more waiting.
When Caesar steps into the room, Joseph is, indeed, wearing his facemask, but something feels off. Heâs laying face down on the bed (a little bit of an uncomfortable position if you ask Caesar). This means his ass is full on display. Oh, god. Donât stare, donât stare. Just look for a topic to start a conversation; this was to provoke Joseph, not to greet him with a boner.Â
âOh, so youâre reading one of those lame comics of yoursâ Caesar chastises, trying to make Joseph to turn around to look at him, plus stepping closer to him so now heâs standing close to his face, but for some reason, Joseph seemed adamant on not looking Caesarâs way. Realizing that his training partner is flatly ignoring him, the blonde decides to play his cards. If Joseph wants this to be a game then it will be one. Â
âJojo, are you going to ignore me for much longer? Are you angry because you lost again today? Oh, come on, I didnât take you for such a babyâ Caesar taunts. The usual âpicking up a fight stanceâ usually works on simple-minded individuals. So itâs not much of a surprise when Joseph tilts his face slightly and takes the bait.
Not enough for eye contact, though.
Not that it was the blondeâs intention to boast, but he did have a great body, and Joseph was in front of it, taking in every single patch of skin on display (basically everything except his nether region, but one has to leave something to the otherâs imagination to make matters more exciting, isnât that right?). He is aware that heâs sweaty. He doesnât like how he smells, and horny intentions aside, Caesar is indeed in desperate need of a shower. God, heâs dying to see Josephâs face. Is he flustered? He definitely should.
âSo, you canât bother to even look at me?â Caesar inquiries, he may need to play the annoying bastard part today, but it was for a greater good. After all, one wrong (or right) move, and the towel bids farewell to this world.Â
âI have already had my fill of your ugly face, thank you.â Joseph breaks the silence that feels eternal and heavy, but he still has his eyes fixated on that dumb comic book. Just a little bit more.
Then Caesar crouches besides the bed, and thatâs when Joseph turns upon hearing his knees crack.
Their eyes crash. Josephâs eyes look more enticing than ever today; he almost has a shroud of insecurity and vulnerability around them. Before Caesar can even think what to say next, Josephâs eyes dart away from his.
âYour next words will be ' âIâm going to use the shower, make sure to wash your dirty body when I come outâ' Joseph retorts. And theeeere he goes. Heâs taken the bait, and heâs being his usual self again. Caesar decides to keep the game going.Â
âIâm going to use the shower, make sure to wash your dirty body when I come outâ Caesar lets go in the sultriest way he can manage. After that, he exits the room, celebrating the fact that he has pulled through this exchange without getting a boner.Â
That was about to change in a matter of minutes, though.Â
He knew that Joseph didnât peek when he was in the shower. Probably because heâs too lazy to move his ass off the bed, but he will peek this time. Caesar will give him a show he will never, ever forget. He obviously doesnât lock the door today, and he knows this works enough as an invitation to take a look (or two). The lock is rusty-ish so when someone locks the bathroom door pretty much everyone nearby knows.Â
The plan is crafted on the basis that Joseph is as much a wishful thinker as Caesar. A pretty risky bet, nothing can be done about it. He can almost hear what his training partner is thinking: âJust a peek wonât hurtâ. He knows. He hopes.Â
The door is not blatantly open (itâs not funny if you make it that obvious) but just the small amount that lets you get a glimpse of whatâs going on inside if you squint hard enough. No sounds of anyone approaching the door are heard, but Caesar begins the show anyway. Pants go off first. Slowly, carefully, his plump ass facing the door. He even touches one of his cheeks not-that-accidentally to make his one person audience ache for more. Meanwhile, heâs humming one of his favorite songs, something he usually does when heâs in a good mood. After a little bit of effort, all the clothes are off, and when he first steps into the showers he hears someone dashing through the corridor and the tell-tale sound of said person bumping into the wall.Â
Heh, there it goes.Â
Wait⊠if this person was definitely Joseph, and he was in such a hurry that heâd been even more careless than usual⊠Does this mean that during their little exchange in Josephâs room, he was avoiding his gaze and lying face down on the bed⊠because he was trying to conceal a boner?Â
Screw logic. To hell with morale. Fuck the plan, heâd had enough. He feels himself starting to harden from his thoughts alone, so when his hand touches his neglected cock from the first time heâs pretty sure that the moan escaping his mouth is by far one of the most lascivious ones that has come from his vocal chords in the past.Â
 But thatâs not enough. He wants, no, he needs more than just this. His eager hand grips his cock with maybe more force than usual, but he doesnât care. His actions reflect how desperate he is and how raw his desire for Joseph Joestar is. The plan was to make Joseph horny but, here he was. How could he ignore that the brunet was obviously hard a few minutes ago? He canât. Itâs time to go all out.Â
âJojoâ... Caesar moans softly. There is no scheming this time. He is indeed imagining that itâs the otherâs hand pumping his cock in earnest, with those calloused hands that would probably feel too rough and inexperienced but perfect anyway.
âJojo!â He moans again after thumbing his slit, precum already gathered there.Â
God, he wants to cum. But he wants to cum in front of Joseph. Watch the other cum in front of him. No walls tearing them apart, no stupid games, no pretenses to just fuck the shit out of each other until they run dry.Â
Perhaps it is uncharacteristic of Caesar Zeppeli to leave the bathroom in his slightly wet state, naked, and an erection he definitely couldnât disguise even with that tiny towel on. Itâs not necessary now.Â
Josephâs door is open. Perhaps on purpose, perhaps a slip-up, it doesnât matter now.
The object of his desires is on the bed, completely naked, legs spread facing the door and fist wrapped tightly around his dick. He is still wearing the mask and itâs making Caesar turn red with anger, and thatâs not what he wants at the moment.Â
He doesnât let Joseph speak before taking a few hurried steps toward him and unclasping his mask using his full hamon strength.
âAt least have the decency to take this thing off if youâre going to do something like thatâ Caesar growls. He wants to convey the urgency in his voice. He wants the other to be acutely aware of how he craves this, for how long he has been craving this. He pulls away from Josephâs face and stands up again from his crouching position. Heâs expecting Josephâs next actions. Will he engage in their usual banter? Or will he take another approach?Â
âWerenât you the one who said I should wear it at all times, no matter what?â Ah, so the banter it is. Sure, he could do that just fine. Just focus on the banter and try not to keep his eyes glued to Josephâs inviting cock.
âYou do realize that itâs dangerous if your breathing is this ragged, though? Do you want to choke to death?â Itâs likely that his training partner was as fixated on pleasuring himself that he totally forgot what happens if his breathing isnât stable enough.
âMaybe you want to choke me, Caesarino?â Josephâs comeback sounds hot. Too hot. Caesarâs thought of a few different things heâd like to do to Joseph and vice versa, but that was not on the list. Now it is, for sure. What kind of expression would the other make? Would he have a pleading look on his glassy eyes on the verge of tearing up, flushed cheeks?Â
âYou forgot the âto deathâ bitââ Caesar snaps. The banter is a top priority (for now).
âNahhh you want me alive, or at least thatâs what it sounded like when you were in the showerâ Joseph sounds confident. He must think he can control the otherâs reactions just because heâs heard him moaning his name (itâs partially true though).
âSo you did take a peekâ Caesar confirms.
âYup! And donât fuck with me, you wanted me toâ Joseph states with his usual beaming smile that make Caesar feel week in the knees-
âYour next words will be âOh, I will fuck with you, Jojoâ.â Huh. So he will keep doing that even in this kind of situation.Â
âOh, I will fuck-â He doesnât get to end the sentence. Not when a clearly needy and desperate, maskless Joseph Joestar pulls him down with his trademark brute force and smashes his mouth against Caesar. The angle is terrible. Itâs awkward and letâs not forget that Caesar is still wet, naked, and hard, so they should probably get comfortable for their own benefit. But Joseph Joestar is impatient, inexperienced, and has probably had enough of dancing around Caesar. So the blond gives in to this awkward excuse of a kiss that, albeit being just a desperate bump of lips, feels heavenly. Itâs not the kiss per se, but Josephâs mannerisms. How he makes these tiny sounds when his lips are close to his partnerâs, how he suddenly brings his hand to the golden locks and p-
âAh, fuck!â Oops. Sensitive hair.
âWow Caesarino, that was even louder than what I heard beforeâ Joseph said, his usual wide smile now turned into the smirk he has on his face when he feels heâs in control.
âYeah, yeah, whatever you say, but can you please make room for me on the bed? This position is uncomfortableâ Caesar bites back, thereâs not really an ill intent behind this remark, but heâs about to get off for the first time in what feels like ages, and it sure as hell itâs not going to be something half-assed.
âBut youâre wet!â Joseph exclaims, and along with his pouty face Caesar finds it almost adorable.
âWell, Iâm certainly not the only one,â Caesar replies. Get the hint already, Jojo.Â
âUgh, fineâ Joseph complains, though it doesnât sound menacing at all. He probably is just as tired as Caesar of pretending that nothing is happening between them. That theyâve been wanting this since they met. That they do not just want to jack off on their own and forget about it, they want this.Â
Joseph does, indeed, make room for Caesar in the bed, but not as he had expected the other to. In fact, he doesnât move from his position on the bed, heâs still laying on his back, but his eyes stare deeply into Caesarâs and he raises his hand as a sign to motion Caesar to come closer.
âIs this âmaking roomâ to you, Jojo?â The question is genuine, he wasnât imagining this after all.
âWell, there is plenty of it. On top of me.â Joseph states with a glint of mischievousness lacing his voice, and who is Caesar to say no to that, really.
âHeh, desperate, arenât we?â He asks anyway.
âSays the one whoâs left the door on purpose for me to see you naked. Youâre such an exhibitionist.â Thatâs not technically a lie, butâŠ
âBut you love that, donât you?â
Joseph tries to snort or maybe come up with a witty remark, but Caesar beats him to it. They kiss properly this time. Caesar is taking the lead, and Joseph isnât shy at all to follow all the silent instructions his training partner is giving him. When Caesar darts his tongue on his bottom lip, the younger one complies. As soon as their kiss turns open mouthed and messy, the brunet starts getting louder, not holding back anymore. He might be in fact so enticed that he has probably forgotten how thin the walls are and why they wanted to jerk off in the shower in the first place. But Caesar loves these little moans and is determined to coax more of them from Joseph. Then, without breaking the kiss, he brings one hand to one of Josephâs nipples. They are already stiff, so twisting the bud in his fingers feels amazing, for both of them, if Joseph breaking the kiss so he can moan in full force is anything to go by.Â
They donât speak about what to do next. They know.
Caesar takes both of their cocks in his hand and starts pumping in slow motion.Â
âFuck, feels so goodâŠâ The brunet moans, he seems way too into this already, but it can get better than this. Way better than this.
âDo you want me to go faster?â The blond asks, still stroking both of them at a tortuously slow pace so he can taunt the other a little bit.
âYou donât even have to askâ Huh, once a cocky bastard always a cocky bastard.
âBut you do.â Caesar replies, trying to get a reaction out of the younger boy.
âGo faster.â Joseph commands, except he shouldnât be the one doing that.
âI said ask.â He then breaks their contact. Instead, he brings his hand to Josephâs mouth and slips his fingers inside. God, his mouth feels so good⊠Josephâs tongue is so eager swirling around them and coating them in a generous amount of spit, itâs driving Caesar crazy. It doesnât last long though, the other tries to speak and Caesar decides that he may have something interesting to say.
âPlease⊠go faster⊠I need moreâŠâ Joseph pleads. Damn, is Joseph hot when he begs.Â
âGood boyâ These words seem to have an amazing effect on Joseph, because his cheeks flush even redder and the lust clouding his eyes is even more apparent now.Â
âSay my name.â Caesar orders. His hand is back on both of their dicks, but remains static.
âCaesar. God, Caesar, I want this so much, I want you so m- Ahh!â The brunetâs words turn into a long, hot moan when Caesar speeds up his pace. The contact feels so, so good. Not even the greatest quick handjob he could have given himself in the shower feels as this does. They are both moaning now, thereâs no point in concealing that both of them are actually desperate sluts for each other, wanting to be seen, wanting to be touched.Â
âA-ah Caesar, youâre making me sweat!â Odd, to be complaining about that. Maybe Caesar is not the only one turned on by strong scents, because precum is already leaking from the tip of Josephâs cock.
âYeah, thatâs the ideaâ Caesar inhales the smell in the room. Both of their sweets combined with the rest of Caesarâs shampoo aroma in the air. Itâs both an addictive and dangerous mixtures in all fucking ways.
âYou smell amazing, Jojoâ Caesar coos. Heâs close, and by how tightly Joseph has just the eyes, the other must be too.
âC-caesar, Iâm close!â And he comes without another prior warning (Caesar I'll make sure to punish him for not asking for permission later), and it takes a few more strokes of their dicks covered in Josephâs cum to climax as well. Theyâve made such a mess on the bed, and mostly, on their bodies, but god was that good.Â
âWeâre dirty.â Caesar states, matter of factly. Heâs still panting and gasping for air, that was more intense than anything he could think of.
âWell, that was to be expected.â Joseph chuckles. He looks spent, but he has a shy smile on his face.Â
âShall we clean ourselves up?â Caesar offers, bringing himself closer to the other and kissing his lips gently.
âWait, âourselvesâ?â The other asks.
âYeah, moron, Iâm telling you I want to shower together. You really need to clean your dirty body.â The blond states, they are in no condition to slack off.
âYou seemed to love my dirty body before.â Joseph flirtfully replies, of course he was going to bring that up.
âOh, shut upâ Comes Caesarâs response, but itâs playful. They kiss again for a few seconds. âWeâre going to get ourselves clean, we're even going to glow brighter than the sunâ Well, that was sappy, but after all, thereâs no point in denying he has romantic feelings for hisâŠtraining partner? at this point.
âYou know what else shines brighter than the sun?â He doesnât give time for a response âMy love for you, Caesarinoâ.Â
And in other circumstances, the blond would have rolled his eyes and ignored the remark, but now heâs just so blissfully happy that he canât think straight, so he just asks Joseph for tissues and they head to the shower hand in hand.
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summary // bucky and alpine enjoy their solitude, but the girl across the hall is slowly creeping into their hearts. (bucky x fem!reader)
words // 7.4k
warnings // diverges from canon & no major spoilers.
notes // just thousands of words of fluff bc thatâs all i know how to write. maybe one day iâll venture into anything else. fluffy bucky has my heartÂ
reblogs & replies are greatly appreciated!
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The first time you knock on Buckyâs door Alpine wanders over curiously.
Bucky stares at the door silently urging you to go away. You knock again and Alpine begins to paw at the door before meowing loudly, which makes Bucky groan. âIâm coming.â He calls as he stands from the couch. He pauses the movie playing on his television, something ridiculous that Sam had insisted on. Alpine meows again and Bucky can hear you laugh through the door.Â
He pulls on a hoodie thatâs laying on his counter and stuffs his left hand into the front pocket. When he pulls the door open you smile brightly. âJames!âÂ
The two of you had met briefly when Bucky had originally moved into the building. You had smiled the same bright smile in the elevator and offered up your name easily. Bucky had smiled tightly in return and told you his full name, a habit he had yet to break, and he deeply regretted it. Every time you passed in the hallway you called out a cheery James despite Buckyâs corrections.Â
âItâs Bucky.â He mutters. Your eyes move over his shoulder and Bucky watches as you take in his very undecorated and barely furnished apartment. Bucky didnât mind how seemingly empty his place was. He wasnât home a lot and nobody but Sam spent time with him. Sam might think it was time to add barstools and a spice rack, but Bucky was content with how things were.Â
Your attention is pulled to Alpine as he peeks out from behind Buckyâs legs. âAnd who are you?â You ask quietly as you squat down to meet his eyes. You hold a cautious hand out and Alpine only stares. You wait for a moment before he turns and moves back into the apartment.Â
You donât seem to take it to heart though. You laugh as you stand up. âHe takes after his dad, huh.â Thereâs a teasing glint in your eyes and Bucky should be offended but the comment actually makes him smirk.Â
âHis name is Alpine.â Bucky says monotone as he watches you rock back and forth on your feet. âDid you need something?âÂ
âOh!â Your eyes light up as if you had completely forgotten your reason for coming here in the first place. âI need salt! Do you have any?â Your eyes move behind him again as if youâre now suddenly worried the answer wonât be yes.Â
âI have salt, yes.ïżœïżœïżœ He doesnât move from his spot and only stares down at you. Your eyes flicker around the hallway before you smile nervously. âCan I have some?â You ask quietly.Â
Bucky nods and makes his way into his kitchen. He expects you to stay and wait in the doorway, but he hears the door shut behind you.
âDidnât want him to get out.â You say as you lean against his counter. Buckyâs a little put off by your brazen personality, but you donât seem to notice his discomfort. âHow long have you lived in DC?â You ask as Bucky moves to pull the salt out.Â
âHow much do you need?â He asks instead of answering.Â
âNot much! A couple teaspoons.â Buckyâs stoic attitude doesnât seem to deter you at all. He glances around the bare kitchen before deciding to just give you the shaker.Â
âI donât have anything to put it in, just make sure to return it eventually.â He shrugs as he slides it over to you. You grasp it in your hand but make no effort to move. Bucky sighs. âAnd Iâve lived here for a couple years now. I⊠I moved here after the Blip.âÂ
He wonders briefly if you know who he is. Heâs not sure what happened in the years of the blip, if his name had been marked on one of those memorials. That had been before his pardon, so he assumes not. He wonders if Steveâs exhibit had been changed. He hadnât been back since before the blip. Was he still in it? Had they changed it or was Bucky Barnes still dead in Americaâs eyes? His eyes find yours and then he wonders if you did know who he was, were you worried?Â
You seemed fine around him. He hadnât seen any recognition on your face when he had introduced himself all those months ago. A frown tugs at your lips. âWere youâŠâ You trail off but Bucky knows the question.Â
Bucky nods tightly and you take a step away and move towards his door, like you know heâs reached the limit on sharing personal details for the night. âMe too.â You finally say when your hand lands on his door knob. You pause. âItâs weird. Right? Coming back to a completely different world?ââ
âYeah.â He nods. You have no idea, he thinks. He had just begun to figure out how to live free again and then he was gone. And when he came back, he was thrust into battle then lost Steve to a world Bucky was no longer a part of. âItâs weird.âÂ
You smile apologetically. âThank you for the salt, James.â You say quietly. His eyes flash to yours but your face doesnât give much away.Â
He nods and the door slams shut. Alpine comes trotting out and rubs against Buckyâs shins. âYeah, sheâs weird.â Bucky reaches down to softly pet Alpineâs back. âPretty though, huh?âÂ
Alpine pushes against his hand and Bucky takes that as agreement enough.Â
//
Bucky liked helping Sam down at the VA. Handing things out, setting things up, and talking with veterans gave Bucky a sense of something. It gave him something to do when Sam and him werenât away on missions.Â
And he got to spend time with Sam. While it was something he would never admit to the man, he enjoyed his company. Sam had slowly become Buckyâs best friend. Not that Bucky really had any other close friends.Â
âThanks for helping out today.â Sam smiles as Bucky leads him through the hallway towards his apartment. âBut you know, you can just come for a meeting. To talk.âÂ
Bucky nods. He did know that, really. But Bucky was okay with listening for now. Maybe one day he would share some of his story, but helping out now was helping him.Â
Bucky stops short in the hall when he notices something sitting outside his door. He throws an arm out that Sam slams into. âJesus, whatâŠâ He trails off when he notices what Bucky had seen.Â
Thereâs a small brown box sitting on the ground. âStay here.â He murmurs as he begins to move towards the object. Sam gives Bucky a look before following behind him. âOr not.â He glares. Both men kneel down in front of the box. Thereâs not much that gives anything about whatâs in the box away, just his name written in fancy script.Â
He reaches a hand out to touch it when the sound of your door opening makes him second guess and pull away. You were a little weird, but he didnât want to blow you up.Â
âJames!â Him and Sam look over at you as you lock your door. Youâve got a red apron wrapped around your waist and your bag is slipping off your shoulder. Before Bucky can say anything like be careful, you furrow your brows at the men. âWhat are you doing? Do you not like cookies?âÂ
âCookies?â Bucky asks as he glances down at the box again. Sam has already stood up and straightened out, but heâs still kneeling in front of the door. He can hear Alpine pawing at it, no doubt having heard Buckyâs voice, and he feels a little ridiculous now. âItâs Bucky.â He adds on now that he knows itâs not an explosive sitting in front of him.Â
You nod slowly with a confused smile on your face. âCookies. I made a bunch so I packed up the extra for you. When I knocked nobody answered so I left them, I wasnât sure if Iâd be home when you got back.âÂ
Bucky feels heat rise to his cheeks. He hastily picks the box up and stands. Sam laughs loudly and Bucky glances at him coldly. âThanks.â He says quietly.Â
You rock back and forth on your feet again. Must be a nervous habit, Bucky thinks. âI also made some cat treats. For Alpine.â Bucky recognizes the nervous tone in your voice as you stare at the box in his hands. âThank you. For the help.â You say before spinning on your heel. You freeze and turn again, this time your eyes land on Sam. âNice to meet you, Captain America, sir.â You look like youâre thinking of throwing your hand up in salute, but instead you turn again and rush down the hall.Â
Bucky just stares after you until a muffled meow breaks his focus. He shakes his head before shoving the box into Samâs hands and moving to unlock the door. âSo.â Sam says with a poorly contained smirk as he follows Bucky inside. âShe seems nice, James.âÂ
Bucky groans before snatching the box from his hands. âShe knows I go by Bucky, she just calls me that to mess with me⊠I think.â
âAnd she knows Alpine?â Sam kneels down to pet said cat, but he jumps away and hides behind Buckyâs legs. âCome on, Al. Weâve known each other since you were adopted.â Sam stands up and rolls his eyes at Bucky.Â
Bucky laughs softly at the cat. âShe asked to borrow salt last night and kind of met him. Alpine didnât really stick around to hang out with her.â He begins to open the box and notices a small note taped to the inside of the lid.Â
He pulls it off hesitantly. âWhatâs her name?â Sam leans against the counter and pulls a cookie out of the box.
âY/N.â He says quietly as his eyes skim over the note.Â
James,Â
Thank you for the salt. And the conversation. I hope you enjoy the cookies. I made some simple tuna treats for Alpine.Â
Step One in getting your cat to love me.Â
Bucky lays the note on his counter and looks into the box. His shaker is standing in the corner next to a small plate of cookies and a jar of what he assumes are the cat treats. Sam laughs and Bucky glances up to see him reading over the note. âHey!â Bucky yanks it out of his hand and shoves it into one of the drawers in front of him.Â
âGetting Alpine and you to love her, she means.â He laughs again and Bucky rolls his eyes. âThatâs cute. I didnât know you had a little flirtationship going on.âÂ
Bucky scoffs. âI donât⊠What does that even mean? Did you see us in the hall? I donât flirt with her.âÂ
Sam reaches for another cookie. âReally? Just felt like thatâs how you would flirt. And you blushed soâŠâ He trails off with a smirk.Â
âI wasnât blushing!â Bucky says defensively. He didnât blush just because a pretty girl gave him cookies. He wasnât in middle school. When Sam reaches for another cookie, Bucky yanks the box away. âAre you gonna order dinner or stand here and eat all of my cookies?âÂ
Sam throws his hands up in mock surrender and pulls out his cell phone. âHey. No need to get defensive. Maybe it was just hot in the hallway.â He moves into the living room and flings himself onto the small couch.Â
Bucky scoffs and looks down at Alpine, who has made himself comfortable at Buckyâs feet. âI wasnât blushing.â He says quietly to the cat. Alpine just blinks. Bucky pulls a treat out of the small jar and holds it out to him. âYou know I wasnât blushing.âÂ
//
The next time Bucky sees you, itâs him at your door. Heâs got a clean plate in his hand and is decidedly not nervous as he waits for you to answer.Â
He lifts his hand to knock again when the door swings open. Youâre standing in nothing but a sweatshirt and shorts that barely peek out from beneath it. Bucky swallows and forces his eyes up from your legs to your face.Â
He gives you an apologetic smile when he sees your raised brows. âJames.â You smile kindly as you lean against your door frame. âWhat can I do for you?âÂ
âBucky.â He says automatically. He holds the plate out and notices your eyes catch on his gloved hands. âFigured you might want this back. I washed it.âÂ
You take the plate from his hands. âThank you.â Bucky doesnât move from his spot in the hallway. Heâs not really sure why because heâs done what he needed to do. He just wanted to enjoy your presence, he assumes. You had begun to grow on him and your cookies were really good. Or maybe he had always kind of liked you.Â
âDo you want to come in?â You ask. Thereâs an inviting smile on your face and he almost says yes. He wants to say yes. But he didnât want to leave Alpine alone, he had already been gone for most of the day.Â
Bucky gives you an apologetic smile. âI would⊠But I donât want to leave Alpine alone.â You nod with a soft smile and Bucky watches for a moment before taking a step back.
âIâll justâŠâ He points over shoulder at his door. He turns and starts the short walk to his door.Â
You laugh quietly. âHave a good night, James.âÂ
âBucky.â He corrects. He takes a deep breath and turns to face you again. Youâre still standing in your doorway watching him amused. âDo you want to⊠You can come to mine instead?âÂ
Your small smile transforms into something bright and excited as you nod. âThat would be great. Let me grab my keys.â You hold a finger up and disappear into your apartment.Â
As soon as you're out of sight Bucky slumps against the wall. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He thinks. His living room is bare except for the small, shitty couch Sam had persuaded him into buying. That and a lamp on an Ikea side table and his television.Â
He imagined your living room was much homier. Probably decorated to fit your aesthetic and cozy. What would you think of his place? What did you think? You couldnât mind it too much if you agreed to come, right?Â
His nervous train of thought is disrupted when he hears your door slam shut. Bucky watches as you lock your door quickly. âLead the way!â You look at Bucky with teasing eyes.Â
Bucky smiles hesitantly as he turns towards his own door. When he opens it, he finds Alpine laying on the back of the couch and he stares confused at Bucky and the new addition to the apartment.Â
âYou remember Alpine.â Bucky says with a small smile as he beckons you further into the apartment. âItâs not much-â
â-Itâs nice.â You cut him off. Youâve got a genuine smile on your face and Bucky begins to wonder why he had ever been nervous. Youâd always been kind, he couldnât imagine you having anything rude to say. âHi, Alpine.â You say quietly as you step cautiously towards the couch.Â
Bucky watches as Alpine looks up at you equally as cautious. âNice to see you again. I hope you like the treats.â At the word, Alpine perks up and looks at you intrigued.Â
Bucky quietly pulls a couple treats out of the jar. He moves as subtly as he can in order to avoid shifting Alpineâs attention. âHere.â He slips a treat into your hand. âSee if he comes to you.â
You hold the treat out in front of you and Alpine sniffs the air. You donât say anything, like you know trying to coax the cat to you might spook him. Alpine seems to appreciate it and moves towards you slowly. He snatches the treat from your hand before dashing away. He disappears down the hallways, but you donât seem to care because you spin around to face Bucky with a happy smile.Â
âDid you see that?â You laugh. Bucky swallows and nods. Briefly he thinks you have a beautiful smile before shaking the thought off. You take a seat on his couch and pull your legs up underneath you. âIâll be his favorite in no time.â Â
Bucky snorts. âIâm sure.â He says sarcastically. He sits next to you on the couch and moves to hand the remote to you. He lets a small smile be directed at you as he watches you make yourself comfortable in his home. Itâs not much, but you seem to fit right in.Â
When your eyes land on his gloved hands again, he thinks youâre gonna ask for a reasoning behind them. Heâd have to come up with a poor excuse, not wanting to share the truth yet. But your eyes move from his hands to his face and you take the remote with a smirk. âYou ever seen Legally Blonde?â
And, well. Thatâs that.Â
//
The next time you and Bucky see each other, itâs in passing. Heâs going out as youâre coming in. Thereâs a grease stain on your shirt and your red apron is barely stuffed into your purse.
Bucky hesitates for a moment. âHey.â He says quietly. You spin around and slam backwards into your door. âFuck. I didnât mean to scare you, Iâm sorry.â He takes a cautious step towards you. His eyes trail over your face, your eyes are red and he can tell how exhausted you are.Â
âItâs okay.â You say quietly. You take a few calming breaths. âI was in my head. It was a rough night.âÂ
Bucky leans against the wall next to you. âWanna talk about it?â Heâs grown so used to you just stopping to chat that this tense silence feels wrong. Normally he wouldnât even have to prompt you, he would listen as you just launch into a story easily.
You trail your eyes over his outfit. âYou look like youâre headed out.â
Bucky shrugs and doesnât move from his spot. âJust a recap then. I have time.â Heâs not sure whatâs inspired him to do this. But he thinks it has something to do with this newfound fondness to your bright personality. He wants it back.Â
You take a deep breath and nod. âCome in for a glass of water? Then Iâll let you go.âÂ
Bucky sighs in relief. âSounds perfect.â He follows you into the apartment. Itâs different from his. Bright, like you. Youâve got posters hanging neatly on the wall your tv is against. Plants sitting by your window. A large couch and soft rug. âNice place.â He comments as he moves to sit on one of your barstools.
You laugh softly. âThanks.â You drop your purse onto the counter and turn to pull two glasses out of the cupboard. âWhere are you headed? If you donât mind me asking.âÂ
Bucky glances at the time on your stove. âOh⊠I help my friend out with meetings at the VA. I was headed to help him set up.âÂ
You slide a glass of water towards him. âYouâre a vet?â He takes it with an appreciative smile. âI didnâtâŠâ You shake your head. âThank you.âÂ
Bucky shakes his head. âIâm notâŠâ He trails off unsure of how to explain his status to you. Did you really not know who he was? âTonight's topic is you.â
You roll your eyes and lean back against the counter. âHave you ever just had a bad day? Where nothing seems to go right?â Bucky nods and you sigh. âMy masterâs thesis, Iâve been working on it for months, I got back my draft today from my advisor and he tore it apart. Had a good cry about that. Got called in early to work, I need the money so I said yes. The diner was busy and we were short staffed. To top it off, my last customer of the night was a douche. He hit on me all night. When I told him no to getting my phone number, he threatened to take my tip away.â You laugh bitterly as Bucky sits in silence, listening intently. âAnd then when I walked away, he tried to grab me. So⊠Stellar night over all.âÂ
âWant me to kill him?â The words are out of Buckyâs mouth before he can think. He couldnât imagine being forced to be nice to somebody who was just harassing him all night. In fact, he knows he wouldnât be. And he knows you certainly didnât deserve treatment like that.Â
You let out a shocked laugh that turns into a full blown laughing fit. Bucky lets out an awkward chuckle as he watches you shake.Â
âThatâsâŠâ You trail off and Bucky notices tears gathering in your eyes. âThatâs really sweet.â You say wetly.Â
âHey.â Bucky stands up and takes a step towards you. He pauses, unsure of what to do, but when you start to shake again, this time with tears, his decision is made. âHey. Youâre okay.âÂ
He pulls you into him and you come easily. You wrap your arms tightly around his waist and rest your head against his chest as you let it out.Â
Bucky rubs your back and tries his best to calm his rapidly beating heart. He hopes you canât hear it because heâs sure it would break any kind of aura of nonchalance he had created.Â
He glances at the time again. He really has to go. The meeting was starting soon and heâs sure Sam is worried about where Bucky is. He pulls back slowly, not wanting to let go.Â
You look at him with sad eyes. âIâm so sorry. I have to go.â You nod dejectedly and take a step back. You donât go too far, both of your hands still clinging to his jacket. âCan you watch Alpine?â He rushes the words out and he knows thereâs a light blush rising to his cheeks. He just wants to make you feel better and he really does hate leaving his cat alone.Â
You furrow your brows. âWhat?âÂ
âI mean.â He takes a hurried step back suddenly aware of you still wrapped in his arms. âI hate leaving him alone. And⊠You look like you could use some furry company.âÂ
A slow smile spreads across your face. âAre you saying your cat likes me?â
âNo.â Bucky laughs. âBut you are the only other person he doesnât completely hate.âÂ
âI would love to watch Alpine.â You take a few rushed steps out of your kitchen. âIâll change and head over.âÂ
Bucky lets out a relieved breath and nods. âGood. Cool. I mean-â He shakes his head. â-my spare key is on top of my door. You donât have to do anything but hang out with him. Donât expect cuddles though, Iâm not sure youâre on that level yet. Donât give him too many treats.âÂ
Youâre nodding like his instructions are even the smallest bit important. âI have to go.â Bucky says ago and takes another step towards the door. âIâll see you later.âÂ
You nod and take off down your hall. Bucky lingers by your door for a moment.
âWait!â You yell and come rushing out again. Bucky freezes and turns to look at you. âThank youâŠJames.â You smile brightly before spinning around again and disappearing.Â
Bucky smiles to himself as he leaves. The bright was back.Â
//
When Bucky gets home heâs more nervous than when he left. His palm is sweaty and all thatâs on his mind is Samâs constant teasing.Â
Bucky didnât have a crush. He just⊠Liked having you around. That didnât mean he wanted to date you. Maybe he did think you were pretty. And sure when you had let him hug you earlier it had made his heart race.Â
But it wasnât a crush. Bucky was too old to have a crush. He takes a deep breath before opening his door. He can hear a movie playing softly before he even looks up.Â
âHey.â You say quietly from where youâre laying on his couch. You sit up hastily with an embarrassed smile. Alpine is laying on the chair across from you. âWeâre friends!â You point to the sleeping cat.Â
Bucky nods. âHe actually stayed in the same room as you all night?â He asks doubtfully.Â
You frown, but thereâs a mischievous sparkle in your eyes. âMaybe not all night. But he came out like an hour ago. I think he gave up on waiting for me to leave.âÂ
You pat the spot next to you on the couch and Bucky moves as quietly as he can. âHow was your night? Do you feel better?â He looks you over. You looked less tired and from the blankets piled on his couch it looks like you had taken a nap.Â
You nod. âA lot better⊠Thank you. I really appreciate you letting me hang out with your cat.â You look up at him with a nervous smile. âHeâs just like you. You two were made for each other.âÂ
Bucky glances at Alpine. âWhat does that mean?âÂ
You poke Buckyâs leg with your socked foot. âHard exterior, secretly wants to be best buds with me.âÂ
Bucky snorts and gently shoves your foot away. âMy secret plan has been outed. Make the girl from 4B my best friend.â You laugh and move to tuck your feet under his leg. Itâs silent for a moment, and Bucky knows youâre watching him so he busies himself with watching Alpine.
âHeyâŠâ You trail off waiting for Bucky to turn his attention to you. âI donât want to upset you or anything.âÂ
âThatâs always a good start.â Bucky says nervously as he focuses on you. Your hands are fidgeting in your lap as you watch him. âWhatâs wrong?âÂ
You shake your head quickly. âNothingâs wrong! I just⊠Promise you wonât be upset with me?â Your eyes are pleading and Bucky can feel himself get anxious. What could you be so nervous about?Â
âWhatâs wrong?â He asks quietly. You donât say anything, so Bucky swallows hard. âI promise.â He nods slowly.Â
âOkay.â You take a deep breath. Bucky watches your eyes shift around the room before landing on his hands clenched together in his lap. âI thought I recognized you. Like, your name is so familiar and then when I saw you with Captain AmericaâŠâÂ
Bucky looks down at his hands and nods. He knew where this was going. âIâŠâ He trails off.Â
âI looked you up.â You rush the words out. Your voice is small and Bucky feels any hopes he had for this friendship shatter around him.Â
âI donât⊠Iâm not any of those things anymore.â Bucky cringes. His leg is shaking anxiously, but he just canât get it to stop. He canât even get himself to look up from his gloved hands, didnât want to see the fear or disbelief that would be painted across your face.Â
Your toes poke at his thigh again and it forces Bucky to look over at you. Your eyebrows are furrowed as you watch him, but thereâs no trace of fear or anger, you wear the same kind smile that you always did.Â
âI know that.â You whisper softly. Your eyes move past him and Bucky follows your line of vision to Alpine, whose bright eyes are staring at him. Bucky smiles gently at the cat as he stretches out and hops off the chair. Alpine rubs against Buckyâs shins, a welcome distraction from the impending conversation. Your feet curve upward to poke Bucky in the leg again. He looks up hastily at the gesture. âWhen I asked if you were a vet earlier, why did you say no?âÂ
Bucky purses his lips to think. The truth was he wasnât at all sure how to explain everything to you. He didnât have to explain things to Sam or Steve, they knew. âMy war was a long time ago.â He settles on saying.Â
âThat doesnât make you any less a veteran.â You say firmly. âAnd thereâs not much online about the Winter Soldier-â Thereâs ringing in Buckyâs ears as the words come out of your mouth. What had you found? And what were you thinking?Â
âHey.â You lean over and place a gentle hand on his shoulder. âThereâs not much online, but I didnât read what there was because I knew that it was your story to tell me. When youâre ready.âÂ
Bucky inhales sharply as you look at him with curious eyes. âI⊠I did a lot of bad things. I⊠I worked on making amends and I⊠I was pardoned.â He pleads with you like heâs sure youâll walk out if you know everything.Â
âOkay.â The word is quiet and your hand is still resting on his shoulder. âYou donât have to tell me anything. I just wanted you to know that Iâm your friend. Even with your super cool secret identity.âÂ
Bucky laughs at that. âItâs not a secret if you use your real name.âÂ
âAh! You agree? Weâre friends?â You say with a smirk. âDoes that mean I get to see the super cool metal arm thatâs always been covered around me?âÂ
Bucky shakes his head, but laughs. âNot yet.â Youâre watching him carefully so he gives you a small smile. âI would say weâre friends though, yeah.âÂ
//
Suddenly, youâre always there.Â
When Bucky has missions with Sam, you check in on Alpine for him. His spare key has moved from above his door to your keychain.Â
Youâll come over with treats when he gets home from the VA. (Bucky likes to think you check for him when you hear the heavy footsteps in the hall and thatâs why youâre always there right after he gets home.)Â
Heâll bring dishes back whenever he sees you get home. (He does check the peephole when he hears footsteps.)Â
You send him pictures of Alpine when heâs away. Alpine who still won't cuddle with you or even touch you, but who lays in the same room and has recently started allowing short pets. He sends you pictures of Sam and cities theyâre in.Â
And tonight, while heâs in New York, youâve sent him a picture of you in his bathroom mirror with Alpine sitting pretty on the counter.Â
Heâs not supposed to be up there.Â
All he gets is another picture in return, this time you have a thumbs up and Alpine is still on the counter. Bucky smiles. Sam notices.Â
âYour girlfriend texting you?â He teases.Â
Bucky scoffs. âSheâs not my girlfriend⊠She just watches Alpine for me sometimes.â He looks back down at his phone. Nice. He sends back before stuffing it into his pocket and looking back at the man.Â
Sam nods slowly. âRight. She just watches Alpine sometimes. And hangs out with you when sheâs free. Donât forget the treats she makes you and Alpine.â Sam lists off casually as he looks down at his fingernails.Â
Bucky feels an embarrassed heat crawl up the back of his neck and looks down at his feet. âWeâre friends. Sheâs a good friend.âÂ
When he looks up, Sam doesnât have a teasing smile, but instead a genuinely happy one. Bucky thinks that this one is somehow worse when Sam grips his shoulder firmly. âIâm glad you have such a good friend, Bucky. Someone outside this super hero business.â
Bucky nods and swallows the lump in his throat. âYeah. Thanks, Sam.â
âIâm serious, Bucky. You deserve it.âÂ
Bucky gives him a grateful smile unable to say anything else.
//
Bucky creeps into his apartment at four in the morning. Itâs quiet, like usual, but Alpine isnât sitting on the couch like he normally does when Bucky isnât home.Â
âAl?â He calls out quietly. The logical part of him is aware that Alpine may have fallen asleep in his bedroom, or underneath a piece of furniture. But thereâs another part of him that panics at the routine being broken.Â
Alpine was always there to greet him.Â
Bucky would rather be safe than sorry. âAl.â He whispers again, already reaching for the knife strapped to his ankle. He bends slowly and lifts his pant leg as he scans his eyes under the couch and coffee table in search of the cat.Â
He stands with the knife in his hand and moves slowly down his hallway. His bedroom door is ajar, Bucky takes a deep breath before pushing it open all the way. Alpine blinks at him from the edge of his bed. The knife slips from Buckyâs hand as he stands, shocked in the doorway. Youâre asleep. Asleep on the bed that he never used.Â
The knife clattering against the ground stirs you from your sleep and your eyes widen when you notice Bucky standing there.Â
âHey!â Your voice is raspy and low. You rub your eyes and Bucky can only stare at your half-asleep form. âI⊠I thought you were going to be gone until tomorrow night.âÂ
He nods. âYeah. I mean, we got things done sooner than expected.â He explains. You lean over to flicker the light next to you on. Bucky doesnât recognize the pillow sitting behind you or the blanket thatâs thrown over your legs, he thinks youâve brought them over from your apartment. You must have because his pillow and blanket was sitting folded in his linen closet waiting for the next time he camped out on the floor or the couch.Â
You smile apologetically. âIâm sorry. I⊠I got tired of falling asleep on the couch.â You whisper. âAnd Alpine lays with me on the bed.âÂ
Bucky hastily shakes his head. âNo! Itâs fine. You donât have to apologize. I shouldâve told you to sleep in the bed. I didnât even think of it.â I donât really sleep in the bed. He moves further into the room.Â
You scratch nervously at your cheek before freezing in action. He almost laughs at the annoyance that crosses your face. You had mentioned once that touching your face was a bad habit you had been trying to break for months. âI should go.âÂ
âYou donât have to.â Bucky opens his dresser drawer in search of sweatpants. âStay here. Youâve already got yourself set up. Iâll crash on the couch.âÂ
You push the blanket off of your legs and Bucky has to force his eyes to stay on yours when he notices the already short shorts youâre wearing have ridden up your thighs from sleeping. âI canât make you sleep on the couch, James. Iâll go!âÂ
âYou know itâs Bucky.â He stops you with a hand on your shoulder. âItâs fine.â He stresses. âI⊠I donât really sleep in the bed anyways. The couch is better.âÂ
Your eyes narrow. âYou donât have to lie to make me feel better.â He can tell youâre hesitant, but your rushed movements have paused. âMy apartment is across the hall! I feel awful for invading your space like this already.âÂ
Bucky sits on the edge of the bed and watches curiously as you shift to sit next to him. Both your legs are dangling off, almost brushing his, and Bucky feels warmer than he had all week. âDoll, Iâm serious. Beds are weird for me. I havenât had one in so long that sometimes theyâre just too overwhelming for me to sleep in.âÂ
He almost jumps when your head rests against his shoulder. âIâm sorry. I didnât⊠I didnât think of that.âÂ
âItâs good to see somebody getting good use out of this bed.â He leans into you slightly. âMy ma would have thrown a fit if she saw how much this bed was. 800 dollars for a mattress... 800 dollars back then is like, thousands now.âÂ
You laugh softly. Bucky glances down again. Your eyes are closed and he thinks youâre almost asleep until you talk. âDo you⊠Would someone being there help you sleep in the bed?âÂ
You donât open your eyes and Buckyâs almost glad for that because he canât look away from you. âI⊠I donât know. Itâs only been Al and I.â His eyes follow the rise and fall of your chest as you breathe slow and calm.Â
You finally look up. âYou should stay with me. The couch isnât comfortable to sleep on, I would know.â You elbow his stomach gently.Â
He nods before he can even think about it. âIf⊠If youâre comfortable with it.â He whispers.Â
âI wouldnât have offered if I wasnât. I promise.â You move away from him and Bucky already misses the warmth you radiate. âIâll let you change.âÂ
He leans against the bathroom door as soon as itâs shut behind him. âItâs okay.â He mumbles to himself. His nightmares had been getting better, but that didnât mean they were gone entirely.Â
They probably never would be. And he knew he couldnât let himself be afraid of the bed for the rest of his life. He had bought the bed. He just hadnât expected his attempt at getting over the anxiety to be with you.Â
Why had he said yes? He thinks as he shakily slips his jacket off. He looks at himself in the mirror and sighs. It was a good question, why had he said yes?Â
He slips into his sweatpants and just stands in the bathroom. He couldnât change his mind now.Â
Well, he could. He knew you would give him a kind smile and reassure him that he didnât have to do anything he didnât want to. You were just that person. Kind and understanding and holding no judgement.Â
âOkay.â He takes a deep breath. âOkay.â He shakes his shoulders out and picks up his discarded clothes. He stops at the linen closet and pulls out his blanket and pillow.Â
Youâre already wrapped up in your blanket again when Bucky comes back into the room. Alpine has moved to lay the floor in front of his bed. You smile sleepily at Bucky. He feels himself smile back. Maybe this wouldnât be so bad.
(When his eyes crack open the next morning he finds Alpine curled at his feet and you curled into his side, he knows being with you wouldnât be bad. Itâs the first time he lets himself think maybe this really is a crush.)Â
//
So, Bucky has a crush. Which is a little ridiculous because heâs over a century old and having a crush is so high school, but itâs there. When you smile in the hall and butterflies rush through his stomach or when his chest warms at a picture youâve sent of you and Alpine. Itâs so obviously there.Â
âWhat are you staring at?â Your voice shakes him when he realizes heâs been staring at you this entire time. Youâre sitting next to him on the couch, so close your legs are touching. âDo I have something on my face?â You reach a hand up to your cheek.Â
Bucky shakes his head hastily. âNo. Sorry, I was just lost in my thoughts.â
âPenny?â You ask softly and Bucky furrows his brows in confusion. âPenny for your thoughts.â You clarify quickly.Â
He thinks the smile that appears on your face is bashful and it makes Bucky feel just a little more confident. Maybe he made you as nervous as you made him.Â
âYouâre really pretty.â He says suddenly. Your eyes widen and you look away nervously. A hand scratches at the back of your neck and Bucky bites down on his lip as he watches you. Not exactly how he hoped that would go. âI mean⊠I was just looking at⊠how pretty you were.â He cringes at the words as they come out of his mouth.Â
He used to be so much smoother than this, he thinks. He remembered having a new girl on his arm every week and a friend of theirs for Steve.Â
Alpine meows loudly and Bucky just knows the cat is laughing at him. âThank you.â You finally say quietly. âI⊠I didnât think you thought that about me.âÂ
ââCourse I do.â He says equally as quietly. âAlways thought you were pretty.â He glances at you and smirks, âEven when I thought you were weird too.âÂ
You gasp and turn to look at him. âYou thought I was weird?âÂ
Bucky laughs and nods. âAfter you came in the middle of the night for salt? A little. And the fact that you keep calling me James when Iâve told you itâs Bucky.â He raises an eyebrow.Â
You smile brightly. âYou introduced yourself as James. Why would I call you anything else?âÂ
Bucky presses his tongue to his cheek as he tries not to laugh. âYeah. Iâve regretted that every day since. Nobodyâs called me James since the forties.âÂ
You scoff. âI find that hard to believe.âÂ
Bucky looks away. âWell for decades I was referred to as soldat.â He glances down at his hands. Heâd stop wearing his gloves around you after youâd spent the night, even told you a little of his story the next morning.Â
Sam thinks your relationship is weird. You spend the night sometimes and both of you find time to spend together when you can. Itâs like youâre dating, but Bucky knows itâs not really like that. He thinks you both bring a sense of calm to one another.Â
Heâs not sure how to shift that, or if you would even want to, into a relationship. He glances back at you with a tense smile. âSteve always called me Buck. Sam calls me Bucky. Last person to call me James was probably my mother.âÂ
âIâm sorry⊠I never meant to-'' You take a deep breath like youâre preparing yourself for what you're going to say next.Â
Bucky shakes his head. âItâs fine. Iâm not trying to make you feel bad, I was just pointing it out.â He tries to smile reassuringly.Â
âI was just trying to flirt.â You say so quickly the words sound jumbled together.Â
It takes him a moment to comprehend what youâve said. âWith me?â He points to himself. The words make his confidence rise exponentially. âYou were trying to flirt with me?âÂ
âWith you.â You confirm with a slow nod. You start laughing, but itâs soft and happy. âOf course I was! I wanted you to remember me! How could I do that if I called you what everybody else does?âÂ
âI donât know. Anything else?â He laughs along with you. âIâŠâ He shakes his head with a smile.Â
You both settle and Bucky hears you inhale sharply. âThe salt to come see you and talk, the cookies and treats for Alpine⊠Iâve had this huge crush on you since you moved in.â You say softly.Â
Bucky nods, he could see it now. Then he starts laughing again. He feels you smack his shoulder. âIâm sorry⊠You⊠Sam said that those cookies and treats were you trying to get me and Alpine to like you.âÂ
You roll your eyes at him. âKeen eye. He saw I was flirting.â You tease gently. âDoes it⊠Does it bother you? Or change anything? The fact that I was flirting?â You ask softly and full of nerves.Â
Bucky smiles sweetly. âThat depends. Do you still want to flirt with me?âÂ
You narrow your eyes, but nod. âI donât ask just any boy to sleep in the same bed as me.âÂ
âJust me and Alpine?â Bucky nudges your knee with his. You nod softly and he inhales a deep, nervous breath. âIt worked.â He says quietly.Â
You nudge his knee back. âIt did?âÂ
He turns to look at you again. Youâre already looking up at him with hopeful eyes and Bucky feels his heart race. âYeah. I like you a lot. I donât... I havenât felt this way in a long time.âÂ
A smile breaks out on your face. âI like you a lot too.â You whisper, like youâre afraid anything louder will break the moment.Â
âCan I kiss you?â He whispers back. You nod excitedly and lean towards him. Bucky places a gentle hand on your cheek as shuts his eyes and leans in.Â
His chest warms when your lips press against his tentatively, like youâre both still nervous itâs not real. Your lips are soft and Bucky knows his own are chapped, but he feels you smile against him and canât stop his own smile from overtaking his face.Â
You pull away, but youâre still close enough that your lips are brushing against his. Heâs caught up in the moment staring at you when he feels something rub against his shin.Â
It makes you pull apart. Alpine is rubbing himself against both your legs and purring softly. Bucky presses a kiss to your cheek.Â
âThink you won both of us over.âÂ
ă* ă âą Ë Ë Ë Ë Ë âą ă* ă° ă* ă âą Ëă
notes // what do you do when your midterm is an essay & gave you a headache? write bucky barnes fanfiction. thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed it. ps iâve seen some spelling mistakes promise to edit those in the morning!
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i fell in LOVE with the ideas you gave me about streamer!eren so here we go! thank you again and i hope you enjoy <3
Jaegerbomb is Streaming
Pairings: Streamer!Eren Jaeger x Fem!Reader
Warnings: None
Jaegerbomb is now streaming
Eren adjusted his mic as the stream began, it was a Friday night and he was doing his usual nightly stream. He talked about it on Twitter so he expected a lot of people to be tuning in tonight, as well as it was a Friday night and not many people had school the next day.
"What's up guys?" Eren said as he watched the views begin to go up and the viewers tuned in.
He watched people type in the chat sending the usual 'hi eren!' or the 'hey eren!' he was used to the these messages, a smile forming onto his face.
"Good to see you guys here again! I honestly have no idea what I'm gonna play tonight but we'll go with it," he said, looking at the different chats.
He began to read the different messages that were being sent, some people complimented him or asked how his day was to which he responded with 'thank you' or 'my night has been great'.
Eren was a popular streamer.
He gained popularity within a few months after he streamed with some pretty well known streamers, his raging and yelling is what got him noticed by people, as well as his appearance. People got a kick out of him all the time and he was definitely going places.
Eren was cute, he had emerald-like eyes, brown hair, a sly sexy smile, and he always looked amazing no matter what. It attracted female attention as well as some males, Eren didn't mind it though, he loved interacting with fans on a daily basis; he also had a pretty big fanbase with 400k followers on Twitter and 90k Instagram followers. They were all amazing people and Eren couldn't ask for better.
His rage was something people found to be hilarious, there were compilations of him yelling at Call of Duty or screaming when playing the popular horror games. There was also this one time Eren's mom walked in and yelled at him when he was being too loud, and people found it to be hilarious.
He called his fans the 'Jaegerists', his fanbase was very sweet and there was rarely any toxicity in it. Which in Eren's opinion, was very relieving.
When Eren got popular he was very nervous of the issues that came with it, sometimes people would recognize him on the street or people in his classes would bring up his streams. It was something Eren enjoyed, but he tended to keep his streaming life out of his personal life. It was also a request by Carla, his mother. She told Eren to be careful and always be wary of the internet.
He did exactly that and here he was now, sitting with 7k people watching him.
"What should I play tonight? I was thinking we could do Cold War or Minecraft, but being honest Cold War is a bit boring right now; so let me know guys!" Eren said, scrolling through his chat.
Within seconds people began replying saying either Cold War or Minecraft.
Suddenly, a few notifications started popping in from a few of his viewers.
jaegerbombfan10 donated 30 coins!
iloveeren_ donated 10 coins!
erenjaeger21 donated 5 coins!
Eren smiled as he got the donations, it was common for his viewers to donate to him and he was very thankful for it. He never begged his fans for donations or any of that and that's what people liked about Eren, he never asked for anything other than love and kindness.
"Thank you to those who donated! You're all amazing!" he said with a smile.
The usual kudos came into chat and people sent in hearts to the chat which made Eren feel 10x more happier, he enjoyed what his fans were doing for him and he was so thankful.
"Alright I think Minecraft won.. so today we're gonna do that," Eren added, narrowing his eyes a bit at the different chats which suggested the game.
Eren skimmed through his computer and began to load the game, it took a few moments but the main screen popped up and Eren put on his headset.
His eyes averted to the chat's people were sending in.
jaegerbombswife: eren u look so good
ereniloveyou_: minecraft is so cool eren
jaegerbombsbiggestfan: omg eren u look so cute right now â€
jaegerist21: ooo minecraft? sounds fun eren!
"I feel like a mess right now but thank you guys, really. What music should I play tonight? Let me know in the chat," he said before turning back to the screen and entering his world.
It was pretty common for Eren to stream during the night, he doesn't really have the time during the day to stream since he has school and other important personal things to deal with.
He scrolled through the chats with different artists and songs, "You guys want Pop Smoke? I played him last time.. how about some The Kid Laroi? He has some good songs," he said, clicking through to find his spotify.
Eren clicked on a random song and went back to Minecraft, he started by running around and organizing his items because a few people in the chat were complaining about his inventory.
"Oh shush! Not everyone is perfect! My house is dope okay?" Eren said before chuckling a bit.
Suddenly, a few notifications came through which caught Eren's attention.
y/nloveseren donated 500 coins!
y/nloveseren donated 1000 coins!
y/nloveseren donated 800 coins!
That was surprising.. not many people donate three times in a row, and with that many coins either.
Eren watched as the user moved from the bottom of the donation list to the very top, whoever it was, they were donating a lot of coins to him.
"Yo! Y/nloveseren! Thank you for your donations!" he said, smiling to himself.
A few chats suddenly bubbled in.
jaegerist45: damn whoever that is they donated a lot.
jaegerbombsbiggestfan407: omg fr!
iloveueren77: eren i can donate later!
y/nloveseren: of course! ⥠you're one of my favorite streamers <3
Eren smiled at the message, "Nah thank YOU for donating! It's appreciated," he replied.
As Eren continued playing Minecraft throughout the night y/nloveseren continued to donate to him, they ended up donating about five or six times after and it was surprising for him. He hadn't ever seen this person in his streams before, he tends to remember usernames, but theirs didn't ring much of a bell. They must have been a silent viewer.
"You guys can ask some questions by the way! It's only midnight and I really wanna hear from you guys," he said, taking a sip of his water bottle.
Questions began to fill into the chat.
jaegerbombbbb21: eren will you ever play outlast?
erensimp34: how tall are you eren?
jaegerist0123: does ur mom know about u streaming?
erensbiggestfan31: are u single?
Eren skimmed through the different questions, some were the usual and some were odd. "Well to answer, I will play Outlast at some point. I am 6'1, my mom does know I stream, and yes I am single." he replied.
Many reactions came from the chat, people saying how sexy his height was or talking about how he was single.
y/nloveseren: ur single!? holy shit
Eren chuckled a bit, "Yeah I am single.. it's mainly 'cause I never really found anyone who was going to stick around you know?" he said.
y/nloveseren: can i place my minecraft bed next to yours then? ;)
Eren's eyes widened a bit from the message, his cheeks growing a light shade of pink; nobody has ever flirted with him on a stream before. Yeah people have called him sexy or said he was hot, but a flirt was never thrown.
"Y/nloveseren you definitely caught my attention with that.. but sure! I'll let you," he smirked.
The chat suddenly went wild with people sending in messages about what he said, others pointed out his blush or the way he was smirking right now.
jaegerist45: eren a simp? ooop
iloveyoueren_: what? :/ eren what about me đ?
erensimp34: SIMPPPP
erenishot386: did u guys see him blush? I GOT IT ON CAMERA
jaegerist219: omg he blushed? y/nloveseren keep talking!!
Eren smiled to himself, "Alright settle down guys! What they said was nice, okay? Nothing serious."
y/nloveseren: aw :( i was serious tho! you are quite the cutie <3 i deadass can't believe you noticed that message đ!
y/nloveseren donated 400 coins!
"Thank you y/nloveseren! Seriously, you are kicking ass tonight," he said. "I'm definitely not the cutest but thank you, really!"
Within the next few hours, Eren and a few other viewers chatted about new games and a few embarrassing stories Eren told them. The one person who stood out to him though, was y/nloveseren. They donated a lot that night and Eren even chatted with them.
"Alright guys! I'll see you all soon! Goodnight," Eren said, waving at the camera.
jaegerist45: night eren!
iloveeren716: goodnight Eren! âĄ
y/nloveseren: night Eren! sleep well <3
Eren stopped the stream and leaned back in his chair, who was y/nloveseren? And why couldn't he stop thinking about them?
-
The next few weeks of streaming were exciting for Eren, a few new games were released and he started playing them for his fans. He gained more popularity from the games as well and he was happy to see new people trickling in.
Though, Eren had another thing to look forward to when streaming.
(Y/N).
He actually ended up finding out her name, yes she was a girl.
During one of his streams he asked a few questions about her, of course she was happy to respond to Eren and he always looked forward to seeing her in his streams. She was his top donater and he was always excited to see her pop in, it was odd; Eren never felt this way before.
She was a fan, someone who looked up to him, yet Eren felt... excited to see her? He would get nervous if he didn't see her join a stream or he'd be disappointed if she left early, it was odd. He wasn't sure why he felt this way.
His fans pointed it out as well, they noticed Eren would smile a lot whenever he spoke to her or he would laugh at her jokes.
Eren never did that, not even with a fan.
He was sitting in his chair, the stream had just started and people began to fill in, he was going to play a bit of Call of Duty and then he would chill.
"What's up guys? How are we doing today?" Eren asked, looking at the screen.
erenfan21: hey Eren! i'm good
jaegerist45: yoo hey!
iloveeren1827: hi eren! how are you?
y/nloveseren: hi eren!! <3
Eren smiled seeing her pop into the chat, "I'm good guys, hi (Y/N). Good to see you," he replied.
As Eren played the game he couldn't help but look over to see if (Y/N) ever talked, he didn't want to miss a message from her. Sometimes he got so distracted he would end up dying or losing a round, a lot of people took notice.
"Bro Call of Duty makes me so mad," Eren said, his brows pinching together as he focused on the screen. "Maybe I should uh.." he trailed off as he looked at the chat.
Suddenly, his controller vibrated and it showed his character dying.
"Fuck!" Eren yelled, rolling his eyes. He then turned off the game and leaned back in his chair, he was clearly mad; his rage was something that entertained people and this was no different.
erensbiggestfan31: damn Eren you're mad again?
jaegerist187: shit guys he might rage
jaegerbomb1782: ah shit, u good eren?
y/nloveseren: eren? are you okay?
His eyes flickered towards the chat, "Yeah I'm good guys! That shit pissed me off, but I'll head back in." he said, pressing a few buttons to head into the game again.
y/nloveseren: yay!! đ„° happy Eren is the best Eren!
y/nloveseren donated 700 coins!
He smiled to himself again. She always made him smile.. it was something she did to him, she had this effect no other fan could put on him.
"Say (Y/N).. you donate a lot and I always see you here.. yet, I don't think you've ever followed me before," he said, looking at the screen.
The chat began to blow up.
jaegerist45: OOOOO đ
iloveeren167: oh shit? eren?
y/nloveseren: i'm just shy đ plus i doubt you respond to dms
He ran his fingers through his brunette locks, twirling one of the strands in his fingers. "I do actually respond to dms, but you're shy? That's cute lowkey.. I actually have an idea," he smirked.
y/nloveseren: and that is? đ
erensimp34: A CHALLENGE? y/n omg
jaegerist45: oh shit.. IM INTERESTED
jaegerbombfan20: SHE GETTING BOLD đ©
"If I win this next round of COD you gotta give me your Instagram," he said, leaning back on his chair.
The chat began to blow up with messages of people hyping (Y/N) up, a grin formed onto Eren's face seeing what people were saying. He hoped that she wasn't uncomfortable with what he said, that's the last thing Eren would ever want.
y/nloveseren: bet, deal.
His eyes widened a bit, "Shit for real? Just know I'm not forcing you, but I'm curious about you."
y/nloveseren: nah! you're fine ;) let's see if you win though
Eren smirked when his eyes scanned over the message, "Alright.. say less," he said.
He entered the game and started playing the round, he made sure to keep extra focused so he wouldn't lose. That was the last thing he wanted, he was interested in what (Y/N) was like; she was definitely intriguing.
Eren pressed his thumbs and fingers into the controller, his grip tight enough that his knuckles were white; his fans even noticed and told him it wasn't that serious, but Eren didn't care. He wanted to win and losing is something Eren hated.
Suddenly the screen flashed the victory and Eren put his hands in the air. "Hell yeah! You guys see that? Jaegerbomb is the winner!" he yelled with a smile on his face.
His chat was going crazy.
jaegerist45: YO GOOD JOB EREN
erensimp13: omg nice job eren!
jaegerbombfan20: dude u did so good!!
Eren's smile widened looking at the chat, he always enjoyed his fans telling him he was doing great.
y/nloveseren: you actually won, damn. i didn't think you would have đ, but since you did.. you want my instagram?
Eren leaned back in his chair, "Hell yeah! Hand it over," he replied.
y/nloveseren: it's y/n.l/n!
He grabbed his phone and went to Instagram, the chat was blowing up yet again when people saw her actually put her Instagram in. They hyped her up and even told Eren that he was a lucky guy for that.
Eren found her profile instantly, he scrolled through her photos and his eyes went wide; she was gorgeous. Eren was used to pretty girls talking or messaging with him, but she.. she was different and he felt it; he couldn't help but stare at the different photos of her in the mirror or the selfies she had with a pretty smile.
He looked at the chat and moved his headset to the side, "Yo.. guys.." he said, staring at the screen.
Instantly people began asking questions. "Guys.. she is fucking gorgeous, (Y/N) you're so cute holy shit," he said, smiling to himself.
jaegerist45: YOOO EREN IS A SIMP
iloveeren3827: awe đ„ș
erensimp13: SHOW USSSS
jaegerbombfan20: is she pretty? y/n omg ur so lucky
erensbiggestfan928: simpppp
jaegerist2827: DID YOU GUYS SEE HIS SMILE?
His smile turned into a frown when he saw that (Y/N) wasn't talking in the chat anymore. Did he make her uncomfortable? He didn't force her into sending it, maybe she was uncomfortable and she just didn't want to say anything.
"Yo.. (Y/N) are you there? Shit did I make you uncomfortable? I'm sorry," Eren said, putting his phone on his desk.
He shook his leg watching the different people responding to what was going on, a few people apologized to her; they said that they didn't mean to make her feel weird or force her into telling Eren her Instagram.
His eyes flickered when he saw her name.
y/nloveseren: omg no! you didn't make me uncomfortable at all :) thank you for your comments tho! đ you made me smile
Eren felt relief wash over him, "Ugh thank god! I thought I made you feel grossed out! But it's my pleasure.. you are beautiful," he said.
People started to leave messages like 'awe <3' or 'omg guys Eren is so simping right now'. All in all, he found (Y/N) extremely attractive and he decided to follow her, he silently prayed that maybe just maybe.. they would talk outside of the stream.
Eren noticed how late it was, it was currently 2:31 A.M. and he usually went to sleep earlier on Sunday's because of his classes.
"Alright guys! I'm gonna end it here, it is really late where I live so I'm probably gonna head to sleep. Goodnight everyone! Thank you for tuning in!" he said while waving at the camera.
Everyone wished Eren a good night and he ended the stream. He rubbed his tired eyes and went to shut off the light in his room, all he wanted was to relax and get a good night's rest.
He placed his phone onto the nightstand and rolled over to the other side of his bed, his body relaxing into the sheets and comfort of his mattress.
A sudden ping woke him up.
It was odd, nobody usually texted Eren this late except for maybe Armin who reminded him to keep quiet while he studied but Armin was out that night with Annie.
Reaching for his phone, the screen lit up; he had a notification from Instagram. More specifically, a direct message.
He unlocked his phone and noticed he had a dm from (Y/N), she actually texted him; a smile grew onto his face as he opened it up.
(Y/N): hey! i doubt you're awake, but i wanted to message you and say hey <3!
He instantly began typing back.
Eren: hey! i was about to go to bed but i wanted to respond to your message, so you're y/nloveseren right?
Within seconds she viewed the message and began typing again.
(Y/N): haha, yeah that's me! i've been watching you stream for a really long time, but i was a silent fan. i got a job recently and i decided to donate since you have always put a smile on my face lol.
Eren: wow really? that's sick! it's so cool to meet you, i always look forward to seeing your name in my streams đ. how old are you btw?
(Y/N): it's cool speaking with you too! i'm 19 btw!
Eren was surprised, she was around his age? Some of his fans were under 18 or around 20+, but he was surprised to see someone the same age as him around. Most of the girls around his age weren't interested in streamers or gaming in general.
Eren: say uh.. do you mind maybe, getting to know one another? only if you're cool with it of course
He chewed his bottom lip waiting for a reply back, he wasn't sure what she would say. He didn't want to come off as the creepy streamer who talks to fans and does weird shit with them.
(Y/N): really? sure! i'm down :)!!
He smiled seeing the message, maybe this girl was worth losing sleep over.
-
Eren spent the last few days talking to (Y/N), he would stay up past 3 A.M. texting with her about life and getting to know her deeper.
The two connected instantly that night, (Y/N) was an university student studying psychology and she had a job at a local cafe near her apartment outside campus. She was interested in gaming and she told Eren that she had been watching his streams for a few months, she found him to be entertaining and he was one of the few streamers that weren't weird.
They shared a lot of the same experiences on a lot of things. Eren told her about the many relationships he had and how the girls instantly thought he was weird or boring for wanting to stream instead of having a career. (Y/N) had just gotten out of a really bad relationship and she told him that her ex found it weird that she watched him.
As much as Eren really liked the vibes he got from (Y/N), he was scared to get close with her. Armin warned him many times about how some 'fans' aren't actually fans, they con people and gain their trust to expose them later. Eren didn't want to be used for money or any of that, that would be the end of him.
Still though, Eren wanted to talk to her more. He hadn't ever gotten like this with a fan before, but maybe.. this could be different?
Eren was laying in bed that night, he decided not to stream because he was tired and he just felt really lazy. He was doing the usual, texting (Y/N) and listening to music.
(Y/N): what are you up to?
Eren: i'm just laying down, listening to music. wbu?
(Y/N): i was wondering if you maybe wanted to.. facetime? of course we don't have to but i feel like it could be cool?
Eren looked up for a second, maybe a facetime would be good; it could help him get to know her more and maybe he could find out if she was looking to fuck around with him.
Eren: sure! here's my number
He sent her his number and sat up, he wanted to look decent for her anyway. He fixed his messy hair and tied it back into a bun, then he zipped up his sweater.
His heart began to race, why was he feeling this way? It was just a fan nothing he couldn't handle, he silently hoped that she wouldn't think he was weird or anything.
His phone suddenly began to ring, he rushed over to his bed and grabbed his phone. It was an unsaved number so he assumed it was (Y/N). He fixed his hair and clicked the green answer button.
"Hey!" Eren said, his smile showing as he saw (Y/N) behind the screen.
She giggled, "Oh my God hi! You're so much cuter behind the screen," she replied.
Eren chuckled, "Thank you.. you're very beautiful yourself."
Her cheeks grew hot, "You're sweet but.. what's up? How are you doing tonight?" she asked with a smile on her face.
Eren leaned back in his chair, "I'm doing good, what about you? Do you work tonight?" he asked.
"No I don't actually.. that's why I decided to call you since I had some free time. Are you streaming today?" she asked.
He shook his head, "Nah.. I uh.. I decided not to since I was tired and I honestly was too lazy to get on," he chuckled.
"Oh Jaegerbomb is lazy huh? That's odd, you usually have so much energy." she giggled.
Eren smiled at her words, "Yeah I'm pretty lazy sometimes.. but y/nloveseren just insisted we facetime," he said in a dramatic tone.
She rolled her eyes playfully. "Oh shush! I was being sweet and plus I was bored, so be thankful I asked." she said, giggling a bit.
He ran his fingers through his hair. "Oh I see.. but I am thankful! You're a pretty sweet girl (Y/N), I love talking to you."
She felt bashful around him, Eren had this impact on her and she always had butterflies whenever his name popped up into her phone. He was sweet, attractive, exciting, and most of all he was an amazing listener; something (Y/N) never had.
"Thank you, Eren. You're a really sweet guy yourself," she replied, nodding her head to the side.
He propped his phone up on his bed, he adjusted himself so he was a bit comfortable. "Of course! You deserve it (Y/N)," he smiled.
The two talked for hours that night about so many things. They told each other different stories from their childhood, they talked about weird experiences they had, and they even got a bit personal with one another. Eren felt like that was a huge plus, he could never get this personal with anyone.
He loved the vibes he got from (Y/N), she was easy to talk to, funny, sweet, she matched his vibe and the two got along so well.
Eren had his mind made up.
She was worth losing sleep over.
-
A month or two had gone by since (Y/N) and Eren started talking. They were still very close and they talked pretty much all day everyday, that was something that rarely ever happened with a fan. Most of the time Eren wouldn't speak to fans long.
He considered her a friend, but he knew inside he wanted to be more than friends with her.
He was currently streaming at the moment, he was a bored; not much was going on and he was playing some Minecraft to pass the time. (Y/N) told him earlier in the day that she wouldn't be joining the stream till later because she was working late. It slightly disappointed him, but he knew that her personal life was important.
He sighed, "What do you guys wanna talk about? Ask me anything," he said, looking towards the chat.
A few questions bubbled into his chat, some were questions that he's answered before. But one question actually caught his eye..
jaegerist3452: what do you think about y/n?
He furrowed his brows for a second, why would they be asking about her? Sure, he told people that he was speaking to her and they talked outside of the streams, but nobody really asked.
"What do I think about (Y/N)? Oh, she's dope as hell. I love talking to her, there's a lot more I can say but I dunno.. she might not like it," he replied, leaning back in his chair.
His eyes scanned back over to the chat where everyone was spamming telling him to say it and that she probably wouldn't judge him.
"You guys really want to know?" he asked, sitting up a bit.
erensimp43: yes!! i wanna know!
jaegerist45: i'm down to listen
erensbiggestfan2928: tell us!
iloveeren1010: i wanna hear!
Eren let out air through his nose. "Well (Y/N) is a really really sweet girl, she's so nice and easy to talk to. Not to mention how great of a listener she is, her personality is something I value the most about her; she always makes me laugh and talking to her is my favorite part of the day. Most of all, she's beautiful. She's such a pretty girl and.. damn, I'd love to make her mine."
The chat began to blow up with messages.
jaegerist45: that's so cute man
jaegerbombfan20: awe đ„ș
iloveeren_: that's adorable holy shit
erensbiggestfan1083: simppppp but that's so nice
He smiled at the thought of her. "Yeah call me a simp but... she's really amazing," he said.
y/nloveseren: wow đ„ș..
His eyes bulged out of his head when he saw her name in the chat, a blush crept onto his cheeks feeling embarrassment washing over him.
"O-Oh shit.."
Everyone began to flood messages about how Eren just got caught, he felt embarrassed and really bashful. She most likely heard everything he just said, what if she was uncomfortable?
"Shit I'm sorry (Y/N).. I shouldn't have said that shit.. we barely know one another and you're probably really upset," Eren said, rubbing his temples.
y/nloveseren: no Eren ur fine! what u said was actually really sweet đ„șđ.. thank you <3
He sat up, "Really? Wait.. so you're not mad?"
y/nloveseren: no not at all! :) i can say the same about you.. you've definitely been really sweet and i really like you
His jaw dropped and a smile formed onto his features. "Wow.. I have no words. Can we text? Please?" he asked, raising his brows.
y/nloveseren: of course <3!
Eren reached for his phone and saw her typing in their dms, his eyes flickered upwards at the chat which was now going crazy over what they both said to each other.
jaegerist45: dude that's so cute
jaegerbombfan20: I'M GONNA CRY OMG
The vibration of his phone broke him out of his thoughts, he went to Instagram to view the message from her.
(Y/N): hey :), i heard what you said and it really made my day. i was having a shitty day at work and hearing what you said made me so happy, so thank you for that. i like you, eren. i know you may not feel the same but talking to you has been so amazing and i would love to talk to you more âĄ.
He smiled before sending a reply.
Eren: i would love to! talking to you has made me so much happier and i'm glad we met. everything i said was true and i want to keep talking, you're amazing.
(Y/N): sounds like a plan â€.
Eren smiled and looked up to see his chat spamming his name, many people took the hint that he was talking to her.
"I got her guys.." he said with a smile.
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Hi! I have a request, but first i wanna say your writing is absolutely amazing! The length + amount of time you put into these prompts is insanely good. Now! Onto the request, how would the boys react to a reader from a more modern era? Maybe a more modernized hyrule or our current point in time?
Masterlist
Thank you so much for the compliment! I'm happy to see the response even if this blog is still relatively new.
I hope I do your prompt justice.
I probably could have done a headcanon list but I was hit with inspiration.
I also might have given Reader some backstory.
Scenario below the cut! Itâs long, take caution.
It was a cool night, but you didn't mind. Your bed was warm, the WiFi was fast and even if it was three AM on a school night, you managed to keep yourself giggling with cat videos and blursed memes until the words and colors merged.
A night well spent.
But it led to questionable decisions.
Even if the shredded cheese in the fridge was beginning to seem a more and more enticing snack, your body was tempted to succumb to slumber.
Until a large purple light encompassed the entirety of your window.
Something was in your backyard.
Aliens. Your tired brain supplies and you sprint to the glass and push away the curtains. Is this it? Is this where I'm kidnapped and never seen or heard from again?
You pull out your phone and open up the camera.
"Pics or it didn't happen." You remind yourself and snap a few before showing your face.
What you see isn't what you're expecting. Instead of a flying saucer in the sky beaming down a laser or a weird pear shaped space craft on top of the grass, there's a single panel of glowing light, swirling with black accents that creeps in a circular motion.
"Cheese and crackers...." You gasp and begin to blatantly stare at it with no regard to whether something may be coming out of it.
You wait and nothing happens.
You wait some more and nothing happens.
You spend an hour watching this portal that has appeared out of nowhere, waiting for something to happen, willing for something to happen. But you get nothing.
The unknown stares right back at you, unblinking and unchanged.
Go through it. A voice tells you. What if there's something on the other side?
"I'm going to die." You gulp and take a deep breath.
Who else gets a chance like this? The voice talks again. This could be a grand step towards a more modern society. A whole new world could be on the other side, waiting, reaching out, calling to humanity!
You think you a see a shadow move behind the portal and out of sight but itâs gone before you can even process it.
"Should I call the police?" You step away from the window, ignoring the thoughts, the voice- you're too tired to know if it's your own any more. What's the plan? How does one go about something like this?
Whereâs your sense of adventure? Pack a bag and go! What if it goes away?
That last thought seems to get through to your tired brain and for a reason beyond your understanding, it latches onto it.
Now youâre excited.
You run to the closet and take out your old backpack. It used to be for school but it was fancier since it was the only one you could get. The bag had a replaceable water bag with a plastic straw connected through the back of it and the straps have just worn down enough to where theyâre actually comfortable. It doubled as a hiking backpack and came with its own insulated lunch box that clasped on the back of it.
Itâll finally serve its purpose.
You quickly roll up your favorite blanket and strap it in tightly beneath the lunch box. Youâre quick to take out two extra outfits and pack them as well as change out of your pajamas.
Ok. What would you need? You donât know where youâd be going so this has to a catch all kind of deal.
You pack away your swiss army knife first for good measure. A solar powered charger for your phone and an extra pair of socks follow suit even after youâve picked out the extra clothes.
You take out the water bag and run to fill it all the way to max capacity as you think of any other necessities.
Youâd need food. You have a small jar of peanut butter and granola bars that can fit in the lunch box. You can bring your extra water bottle and put in the side pockets of the backpack, and maybe bring some of those powered flavor packets your brother loves so much. You think he has lemonade and some green tea ones.
Those would be great. He wonât mind, hopefully.
You let the bag overfill momentarily before running back to shove it in your bag. with the lid screwed tight.
Next you run to the kitchen, grabbing the first things that you thought of already and begin to look around for more.
You grab an unopened pack of beef jerky, a bag of veggie sticks and a half eaten bag of dried mangos.
During your search you grab the water bottle and fill that too.
You return to your room with your bounty and begin to carefully put everything in the box. With some more deliberation, you run back to the kitchen and make yourself a quick sandwich, eat it, make another one and pack that as well.
You look out side the window and the portal is still there.
The sun is beginning to rise now so youâre trying to go as fast as you can, unless you want to neighbors to think something is going on.
Even if it is.
Youâre about to leave but in a stroke of brilliance, you run to pack sunscreen and bug spray as well. You see a small first aid pack that was bought recently for when you would take your family vacation but you reason that it might one of the most important things youâd have if you got hurt.
Into the bag it goes.
You grab your hoodie before you leave the door, wrap it around your waist and pocket your phone, your headphones and your wallet.
You feel immediately under packed when you step outside and see the portal up close.
Itâs weirdly triangle shaped, you think and step closer.
You reach your hand out and try to touch it. It feels as if you put your hand through a humidifier but itâs not wet. Itâs misty and cold but not necessarily unpleasant.
An idea hits you right before you take your first step through.
You pull up one of the earlier photoâs you took and send it to your friendâs group chat. It showed up in my backyard. I decided to make a bad late night decision and Iâm going through. If you never hear from me again, I want you all to fight over my electronics. Winner takes all. Godspeed.
And you step through.
You had first assumed that it would merely take you tot he other side but very quickly realize that you have to walk through it.
The first part still had a little light but with time, it got darker. So dark that you couldnât even see your hand in front of your face.
You kept walking.
As fast as the light disappeared, it came back and you stepped into the light of an open field, right in front of one, two, three, four, nine males that had appeared to be traveling towards you or rather, towards the portal.
The portal disappears in the process.
âOh so we didnât have to go through it! We had to gain another member!â One of them yells. âWould have been nice to know before we packed everything up!â
âHo boy, where am I?â You ask and tighten your grip on your backpack. Why didnât I bring a weapon?
They all had long tunics and swords on their backs. Old fashioned leather boots and hand bracers were the norm in this group and you realized very quickly that your jeans and t-shirt had wildly missed the memo.
âDang, I didnât think Iâd walk into a LARP group. Sorry about that.â You sheepishly smile. âI had no idea where the portal was going to take me. But if you would be so kind-â
âWait, whatâs LARP?â One of them speaks up. He was a dirty blond and somewhere in the middle of the group height wise. He wore a white cape like thing with blue designs on the back but you didnât recognize the symbol.
âLive Action Role Play?â You tilt your head. âItâs why youâre all dressed like that? Right?â
âThis is just our clothes.â What appears to be the youngest bounces up to you. âWhat are you wearing?â
âFirst I could grab in my closet.â You admit and look down on it. Itâs one of your comfiest shirts and best looking pants. Youâre a little proud of yourself for finding those in the dark.
âWeird.â
âWeâre heroes. Weâre all named Link.â Cape guy speaks up again. âIs it safe to assume that youâre in the same boat?â
âHeroes?â Your eyebrows furrow together. âIâm not a hero and my nameâs not Link.â
Youâre quick to tell them your name and you watch as the confusion covers their faces. âMy brotherâs name is Link though if that helps anything.â
âOh we needed him!â The youngest groans and it instantly irks you.
âWhat would you need with a five year old?â You deadpan and cross your arms.Â
The information stuns the group.
âThe portal showed up in the middle of the night and Iâm the one that went through it. Iâm pretty sure I was the only awake to even see it. Are you telling me that it was for my little brother?â Youâd be lying if you said that you werenât a little pissed. âMy baby brother was supposed to go through it? He was asleep! Heâs five. What kind of logic is that?!â
âWell...â The biggest and oldest of them runs a hand over his face. You think he has some cool tattoos and sick scar going across his eye but he looks about as angry as you feel, so you donât say anything. âIt appears the gods truly do not care for the heroâs maturity, only his existence.â
âOk...Whatâs with all this hero talk?â You bite back. âWhat did... Where am I?â
âHyrule.â The second with cool face tattoos speaks up. Heâs got a large fur pelt around his shoulders and you have to tighten your grip against your backpack again to keep from reaching out to touch it.
Even so you feel yourself deadpan even more. âHyrule? Like the ancient empire? The one that collapsed more than two thousand years ago? That Hyrule?â
Youâre inclined to not believe them and write all of them off as crazy... but you also walked through a portal. And your grandma did say that magic existed in the strangest forms.
They all share looks of concern and some begin to murmur quietly amongst themselves but youâre too far gone to even notice.
âDid I time travel?â The idea hits you like a bus and you feel your eyes widen as you stare beyond the group. You quickly take our your phone and unlock it.
No signal.
âIs that a type of Sheikah slate?â Someone asks you.
âI donât know what that is.â You reply automatically. âWait, hold on, what year is it?â
âWhy donât you tell us what year youâre from and we can start from there?â The darkest brunette of the group speaks up.
â202x PCâ You say robotically, not really processing the world around you anymore.
âThatâs...â The blond with a long blue scarf speaks up with a slight hiss. â...Beyond any of our timelines. You see, we all come from different worlds and eras of Hyruleâs history.â
âI donât think youâre the farthest down anymore, Wild.â
âThis would then make them my successor, right?â
âIt would make their brother your successor.â Someone amends. âI think they just jumped in his place.â
âLeave my brother alone.â You snap back into the present, pocketing your [hone again. âOk, you know what, screw it. I donât know what youâd want my brother for but Iâm here now. Iâd gladly take his place if it means he gets to stay home!â
âHey.â A boy with pink hair stalks up to you looking a little more serious than youâd like.
âNice hair dude, way to defy the gender norms.â You smirk a little before genuinely grinning, hoping to quell the tension. âWhat product do you use? It looks like Artic Fox but not every place sells their brand.â
â...I have no idea what youâre talking about but what happened to Ganon in your world? How have you been handling it?â He snaps and places his hands on his hips.
âGanon? Like my old principle? Thatâs a name I havenât heard in forever.â Youâre confused again. âLast I heard he joined the police force only to be reassigned out of state. I donât know whatâs happening with him. Kinda hope he gets fired though. Heâs not a bad guy but heâs not someone youâd want in that kind of position of power, you know.â
âPolice force?â
You blinked and look them all over. They look very medieval. âOh... You donât have that...â
You begin to think about your history lessons and what they might be familiar with if theyâre telling the truth about being from Hyrule.
âYaâll got knights?â
Many, almost all of them nod, a few with face of despair already on them before you finish speaking.
âItâs kind of like that. Mixed with a towns guard position... kinda. They enforce laws... at least theyâre supposed to but the whole system is flawed and racist and really needs to be dismantled for the abuse of power that they have-â
âAbuse? Of power?â You have their attention again.
âItâs stupid and it wonât really make any sense if I try to explain because I doubt you have anything similar but itâs basically a group of people given the right to treat the public in anyway they like for their own benefit because they have no one telling them that they canât.â You groan and slowly begin to feel your lack of sleep catch up to you.Â
You slowly reach to behind you and sit down on the dirt, looking at all of them. âMr. Dragmire wasnât like...Demise or anything but he was a huge jerk. No one liked him. He liked me though. I remember that. I was the envy of the whole school because I somehow got on his good side while everyone else wants to strangle him. I think he was transferred for some misdemeanor or something like that... like he might have been throwing hands with someone he wasnât supposed to. I never heard all the details. I didnât really care for it when it happened either. Iâm pretty sure he lost that fight though. The dude looked like a blast of wind could have knocked him over let alone someoneâs knuckle sandwich.â
âI would love to hear more about this.â The youngest sits next to you with a large grin on his face. His eyes are bright and his body language reminds you of your cousin Zelda. You instantly think theyâd get along like a house on fire. âWhat are your monsters like?â
âMonsters?â You tilt your head. âBe a little more specific bud, it depends on where youâre from.â
âYou have that many?!â
âIt depends on if you believe theyâre real or not.â
âSpeaking of monsters, can you fight?â The shortest walks up to you. You like that his tunic is stitched up with multiple colors and designs. It gives it personality, you think. âDo you have a weapon youâre more comfortable with?â
The question throws you off your rhythm and you donât fight your wince. âWhat would happen if I say that I do not, in fact, have any sort of weapon on me?â
âI wouldnât believe you.â Pink guy speaks up again. âThat pack is huge, there has to be something in there.â
âItâs food, water and extra clothes my guy.â You lean back against said backpack since it wonât let you lay down with it still on. âNot a lot of space for anything else. Iâm pretty good at hand to hand combat though. Karateâs a good way to fight out stress.âÂ
âYour bagâs not magic?â
âWhy the hell would it be magic? ...Are you trying to tell me magic actually exists?â You raise an eyebrow as your eyes begin to close against your will. âI know my grandma said it does but I thought she meant like fairies and shadow demons.. and bigfoot. Canât forget him, heâs the real MVP... You know...Childrenâs bedtime stories and stuff like that, itâs not real. But like magic magic? Magic items and the like? Find me Tinkerbell and Iâll show you Neverland, thatâs what I say.â
âAre you serious?â
âSecond star to the right, straight on till morning.â You respond.
Thereâs a moment of silence as the group in front of you processes your words. Itâs hard to tell their reaction since youâre not looking at them but you no longer have the energy to do anything else.
âAre you falling asleep right now?â Itâs the one they called Wild.
âI...â You try to open your eyes. They donât budge. âI havenât slept in nearly 20 hours... I think. I might have past 24 hours a while ago actually. Portal showed up at like four in the morning... I had to get up at six and I didnât sleep at all before then.â
More silence.
âGreat another one.â Someone scoffs.
You snort.
âWhy did we pack up camp again?â
âNo one kill me.â You say right before you lose consciousness. âPlease and thank you.â
âTheyâre doomed.â
âHave some faith Vet. They stepped in for their little brother. That has to mean something?â
âTheyâre in for a rude awakening, and thatâs all I have to say about it.â
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I really love when people write about c!wilbur manipulating c!dream so I was wondering if you could write on about the smp realizing that c!wilbur manipulated c!dream into being a lap dog for him but a hell lot of trouble for then and if you could add c!wilbur taking advantage of the fact that dream is a god during a fight that would make my day. Hope you have a great day.thank you. Love your work.
ooh yeah - c!wilbur is back and GGG-ing as good as ever, , which Really makes you think abt what itâs gonna be like when he interacts with c!dream again. this ended up being a little more c!sapnap centric than i intended, hope thatâs alright haha. (and thank you so much for the kind words!)Â
tw: implied abuse, torture, drowning, dismemberment, manipulation, unhealthy relationships, emotional distress, dark content, prison arc/pandoraâs vault, c!sapnap critical? not really?, dark portrayal of c!wilbur (typical MAD duo shenanigans)
Sapnap isnât expecting to find anyone when he storms out in the middle of the night - heâs tense, they all are after the fiasco at the prison, but really his thoughts are filled with Karl once again going inexplicably radio silent for days on end and Quackity ignoring all of his questions with a simple âiâm busyâ that heâd failed to follow up even twelve hours later, so Dream and Wilbur and whatever the hell happened that left Pandoraâs Vault - obsidian, indestructible, tall and dark and proud - half-crumbled and sunken into the sea are just about the last things on his mind. Â
Even so, heâs not an idiot, so he had enough foresight to pack a few potions and gather his armor and weapons before stepping into the summer night - itâs cool under the moonlight, a soft breeze cutting through the otherwise stifling weight of the humid air, and the comfortable night is enough to make his anger die down, just a little. Kinoko Kingdom glows soft and warm from the lanterns Foolish had scattered all over the place, thick with the earthy smell of fungus and flowers, and he takes a deep breath before walking to the city outskirts to hopefully clear his mind.
Heâs no stranger to late-night walks; his temper had always been fiery, even as a child, and heâd figured out pretty early on that the easiest way to deal with it was to walk or run until his brain was too tired to think anymore. Walking at night also meant he could take out some of his frustration on mobs as well as the satisfaction of setting a random patch of forest on fire without worrying about burning down someone elseâs property, and once he got good enough with a sword and shield to come and go relatively unscathed, Bad had stopped his worrying enough to let him do whatever as long as he came back in time in the morning. Sapnap frowns as he hacks at a random branch in his way with an axe, watching as it falls in a spray of leaves and crashes to the ground; he hasnât seen Bad in a while, not since he became obsessed with the whole Egg thing. Quackity had mentioned some cryptic things, and Karl was adamant that they avoid the Egg as much as possible, but he probably shouldâve at least visited, or something. Bad always knew what to say when it came to messy things like this.
Though - Sapnap laughs wryly - itâd never been this bad, before. Karl distant and absent, Q somehow even more so with a new glint to his gaze that sent a shiver down his spine. George, usually asleep, never around, expression perpetually foggy like he doesnât know where he was. Dream- evil, insane, awful, somehow so familiar it hurt and too much of a stranger to recognize. He wonders when it all got this bad. He wonders what it says about himself, that he didnât notice until it was far too late.
âFancy seeing you out here.â
Sapnap whirls around, sword drawn; the figure staring back at him doesnât even flinch. His eyes narrow at the sight, stance widening, shoulders tense.
âWilbur?â He keeps his voice wary, guarded, trying his best to keep surprise from coloring his tone. Wilbur grins at him, tight-lipped, the planes of his face faintly lit by the moon shining over them, facial features only barely visible in the dim light. Without really meaning to, Sapnap cranes his head to look around at the surrounding forest, but nothing moves or makes itself known outside of the figure still staring at him, smirking. âWhat- what are you doing here?â
And whereâs Dream?
Because Sapnap might not know much about what went down at the prison and what Dreamâs plans are and the whole mess that heâd been so desperate to put behind him and utterly failed at doing so, but what he does know is that the two of them - Dream and Wilbur, Wilbur and Dream - had been all but inseparable, strangely attached to each other in a way that spelled out nothing but trouble for the rest of them. The rest of the server had been compiling sightings of the two in the hopes of being able to stop whatever it was that they had planned, but Sapnap knows his former friend, brother, and even if he doesnât know Wilbur, his reputation more than precedes him: the two of them are smart, not to mention paranoid as fuck, and the rest of them have a better shot shooting targets in the dark than figuring out whatever the hell was going on in their heads with the two of them working together. Either way, he knows that theyâd never been sighted apart - it was always Wilbur standing on a hill with Dream sitting next to him, or Dream hacking through mobs as Wilbur followed, or the two of them stepping into a fortress and leaving minutes after - until now.
âCould ask the same of you,â Wilbur laughs, just a shade to the left of friendly, and the moonlight scatters through the leaves and glints off his glasses. âDonât be so tense, man! Iâm just going on a walk, thought Iâd enjoy the night. Didnât see anything like this in Limbo, you know.â
Sapnap winces at the reminder, that Wilbur is here and alive in defiance of law and reason and the universe itself, but Wilbur barrels on, seeming unaware of his unease.
âAnyway - how are you doing, man? Havenât seen you around in a while.â He leans back, hands shoved deep in his jacket pockets, stance loose, relaxed. âIâd ask Dream, but heâs been in prison for a bit, you know? Most of what he knows is pretty - ah, outdated, not that I tell him that.â
âWhat are you planning?â Sapnap snaps, grip tightening around the handle of his sword. âYou and Dream. What do you want?â
âWhoâs to say we want anything?â Wilbur seems to grin wider, and the expression on his face is unsettling, makes something cold slither up his spine. He shakes his head to rid himself of the feeling, half-wishing it was brighter so he could better see the otherâs eyes.
âI mean-â he stutters. Because Dream always wants, he almost says, bitter and angry, that all-too-familar swell of betrayal rising in his chest at Dream, forever insatiated, forever wanting, forever looking for more more more. Because if he were to escape, and if he were to want nothing, then what did that mean for the rest of them? Because if he didnât want, if he wasnât left wanting, then did Sapnap ever mean anything at all? The thoughts stick to his skull like tar, words clinging to the roof of his mouth as it goes dry. Wilbur seems to stare at him, unimpressed, and he feels his face go hot.
âHeâs not- heâs dangerous, you know,â Sapnap says instead of answering, because untangling the awful, knotted feelings that make up his remaining ties with Dream, half-frayed and neglected and forgotten, is more work than he can handle and more emotions than he has the energy to bear. It doesnât matter, in the end, because Dream is still dangerous; he knows that, resolutely, and maybe itâs lucky, that he found Wilbur without Dream whispering plans and manipulations and meaningless words by his side. Itâll give him a chance to warn Wilbur, bring him back to their side instead of risking his life (again) in the company of his friend-turned-tyrant. Dream is dangerous, whether he wants or not, because Dream is Dream and heâs been in too many manhunts to face him with anything less than one hundred percent confidence. âYou donât want to be with him, Wilbur. Heâs hurt- so many people.â
Wilburâs expression doesnât change, seeming as indifferent to the words as ever; if anything, he looks a little amused. âReally,â he hums, almost to himself. âDangerous, you say?â
âHeâs Dream,â Sapnap insists, because itâs the truth, and itâs the simplicity of it, really. Itâs Dream, and Dream is dangerous whether heâs on your side or not, forever ruthless and unheeding as long as he gets what he wants. Heâd been in Wilburâs place, once, convinced that Dreamâs strategies and planning and infallible logic had meant they had no way of losing. He knows better, now. âYouâve fought him before! He doesnât care about you. He doesnât care about anything.â
And if the words are a little more bitter than they should be when he says that, who but he is going to notice?
Wilburâs eyes stay on his, completely silent, expression unreadable. The quiet gets awkward quickly, Wilburâs expression seeming unchanging, nothing but the faint rustling of the leaves around them to break the stillness of the air, and Sapnap feels his gut roll uncomfortably as he looks off to the ground, waiting for Wilbur to react in some way, any way. Itâs hard, he knows, to realize that someone you thought was on your side had been using you the entire time, heâs been there before and he gets it, but- itâs still strange, how still Wilbur has become. How he still hasnât reacted - is his expression going to change?
And suddenly, starting quiet and then swelling in volume, Wilbur begins to laugh.
âGoodness,â Wilbur drawls through his chuckles, voice low and dark and sending chills down his back. âI thought he was exaggerating, man - you really do hate him, donât you?â
âWhat- whatâs so funny?â
Wilbur smiles, teeth flashing white as the faint light from the moon bounces off of them, âI have to give you my thanks, truly. Iâd thought that Quackity did the most of it, or Sam, but you- I really couldnât have guessed.â
Sapnapâs head is spinning. Wilburâs expression is positively gleeful, eyes dancing, smile wide and brilliant, bouncing from one name to another with little explanation to how any of them tie together. Sam? Quackity? Nothing is making sense. âWhat the hell are you talking about?â
âOh Sapnap,â Wilbur croons. âYou really donât know, do you?â
He twists his hand in a flippant gesture, eyes directed into the forest surrounding them.
âLetâs just say that his, ah- stay, in Pandora, wasnât exactly what Iâd call a five-star experience. But you know that, donât you?â Wilbur directs a flat smile his way, and Sapnap swallows, throat dry. Briefly, images flash behind his eyes - walls, dripping with crying obsidian, the lavaâs heat hard to bear at his back, even for him, mining fatigue pulling at his limbs and making them heavy. How startlingly bare the cell had been, even through the haze of his anger, Dream, slumped in a corner of the cell, barely moving, barely even breathing as it seemed sometimes, sunken-in cheeks and sagging shoulders speaking of nothing but a bone-deep exhaustion. âApparently, being psychologically and physically tortured for months on end has an interesting effect on the human psyche. Even more so when, say, your best friend comes once in the entire time to tell you that heâll kill you if you ever try to escape.â
âHow-â he trips on his own words, lungs seizing, âhow do you know that?â
âHe tells me things. A lot of things, really. Did you know it takes one and a half regen potions to reattach an arm after itâs been cut off? It takes three and a half for a leg, he thinks, but the blood loss made it rather hard to remember.â Wilbur steps forward. âDid you know that scars created by healing potions tend to be much thicker and more prominent than those made by regens? Or that he can hold his breath for a little more than two minutes before passing out?â Wilbur smirks, jagged, threatening. âDid you know that I can tell him just about everything, and heâll believe me because thereâs no one else to tell him otherwise?â
âWh- what?â
âIâll be sure to tell him what you said; Iâm sure heâll love to hear how his brother is doing.â Wilbur waves. âAnd when you see Quackity, be sure to give him my thanks, will you?â
âWilbur, what- come back-â
And with a flash of purple particles, Wilbur disappears, leaving Sapnap alone in the middle of the forest. Stasis chamber. His heart pounds in his ears, breathing all-too-loud, and he stares desperately at the empty space where Wilbur had stood like itâll bring him back again.
Fuck, he swipes his hand across his face, startled when it comes back wet. What does he do now?
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My Drug Is My Baby // Ashton Irwin
Thank you to everyone for your patience - I wrote and teased this story quite a while ago but Iâve unfortunately had some real life matters keeping me away from Tumblr. So it fits that Iâm back with somewhat of a comfort fic (with a dirty edge because obviously) đ. No big backstory, I was in a shitty mood, decided a horny smoke sesh in Ashâs backyard was the only cure and I wrote this surprisingly easily (for me). Thanks to @cal-puddiesââââ for assuring me that this wasnât just a âmeâ fantasy (lol) and for cheering me on in the form of copious clown emojis in the comments section of Google Docs.đ€Ąđ€Ąđ€Ąđ€Ą
Warnings:Â A boyfriend!Ash fic featuring weed smoking, mention of masturbation and sex toys, dirty talk, brief manual and oral stimulation of a female, dry humping, cum play
Word count: 3300
Masterlist // Ko-Fi and New 2021 Taglist linked above
Let  me  know  what  you  think!
You close your eyes, stretching out on the patio lounger and losing yourself in the music pouring from the bluetooth speaker on the table next to you. The cool night air blows across you and you surprise yourself with the volume of the pleased sigh you let out; it could just be the state youâre in but you swear itâs the best thing youâve ever felt.
Itâs only Tuesday but youâve already absolutely had it with this week and all day the only thing you could think about was getting home, getting off and getting high. Youâd hoped to tackle those last two items on your checklist with your boyfriend but just as you were pulling into the driveway, he texted saying he'd be home late.
You felt disappointed but adaptable and made a nice little evening for yourself: you ordered dinner from that Italian place only you like, indulged in a hot shower that went on for far too long and spent some quality time with your favorite vibrator. To close out your evening, you threw on your panties and one of Ashton's hoodies and headed out back to have a smoke in his âgarden.âÂ
Itâs not much, just a few pots with flowers and vegetables, but heâs so fucking proud of it, especially since youâve helped him spruce it up with string lights and furniture, youâve come to love it as much as he does.
You sigh again as the breeze continues to tickle your skin and you wiggle your toes, trying to decide if your bare legs are actually chilly or if you're just sensitive from your high. You're pretty sure you saw a blanket by the door but that seems super far away right now so instead you just hug your knees to your chest and try to fit them inside your oversized sweatshirt.
"Thought I heard a party back here," a voice teases from across the yard.Â
You turn to look behind you, delight decorating your face. "I didn't hear the car pull up!" You consider running over to him and leaping into his arms but again, that seems like a lot of work so instead you just sit up on your knees, pucker your lips and wait.
Ashton chuckles, bounding over to plant a soft kiss to your impatient mouth. "Mmm, you taste sweet," he comments.
"Oh! I saved some for you," you exclaim, offering him the three-quarters eaten bag of kettle corn you've been snacking on.
He snorts and shakes his head but still dips inside for a handful. "Midnight snack in the garden and about 20 minutes ago I got five different messages that had no words but roughly three dozen kiss emojis⊠my love, are you high?" He spots your pipe on the table and turns it over in his hands, exaggeratedly inspecting.Â
"Why, you jealous?" You giggle as you swipe it back from him.
"A little," he laughs, running a hand over your face and grinning as you melt into his touch. "Had a bit of a day myself."
You pout at his statement, yanking him down into another kiss, mewling as his beard scratches your face. "I was thinkinâ about packing another bowl, come smoke with me, tell me about it,'' you insist.
âPlanned on it when I heard you back here,â he smiles. âMight need to go in and grab us another snack though, evidently.â
You stick your tongue out at him. "Oh wow, you're right, I am super sweet," you observe distractedly, now happily licking your own lips.Â
Ash laughs joyfully, settling into the chaise opposite yours. You start off asking softball questions about each otherâs day, wanting to save the bigger complaints for later, when the high can take the edge off. In between anecdotes, thereâs that comfortable silence you always love falling into with him. The two of you are thinkers as well as talkers and sometimes you need to collect your thoughts before you launch into the next topic; you love that you both recognize and appreciate that need. You also love the chance to just observe your man, love watching his wheels turn as his mind works, love taking him in, marveling that he exists in your world.
Tonight you find yourself fascinated as he takes the supplies off the table and gets to work, fingers reaching into the stash jar to break off pieces of the bud, long hair falling in his face as he methodically loads them into the grinder. You canât take your eyes off him, the metallic cylinder seeming to disappear in his large hands, veins becoming visible as he grips it, arms tensing and tattoos flexing as he twists, offering you a soft smile when he notices your gaze.
He stretches in his chair, trying to reach the pipe near you. It takes a minute to register that you should hand it to him, youâre caught up thinking about how big he looks leaning across the table, how his t-shirt pulling across his chest like that makes you want to bury your face in it, how warm itâd be, how safe and content you would feel.
Ashton gently says your name, breaking you from your reverie and gesturing towards the pipe.
You grab the glass piece and happily plop onto his chair to hand it to him, pecking him on the cheek for good measure. He chuckles at your eagerness, shifting to make room for you; he watches amusedly as you attempt to find a sitting position opposite him that is both comfortable and allows you to cover yourself with your hoodie.
âYou know youâd probably be warmer if you didnât come out here pantsless, baby.â
âYou know I donât believe in pants after 11pm, I canât believe youâd suggest such a thing,â you reply with playful indignance, looking up at him triumphantly as you successfully bring the sweatshirt down over your crossed legs.
He cackles as he packs the ground weed into the bowl; he nudges your knee, which you correctly assume is his way of asking for the lighter he knows is in your hoodie pocket. You hand it to him and watch as he lights up and starts to take his first couple hits.Â
You intended to pay more attention - admire his lips wrapping around the mouthpiece, his fingers flicking the lighter, let yourself be awed at how small your pipe looks in his hand - but you got distracted at the sight of his thick thighs as he sits cross-legged in his favorite basketball shorts. You think to yourself you donât appreciate Ashtonâs legs enough and reach out to tenderly rub your palms over them, humming contentedly when you find his skin as warm and comforting as you imagined.
âBaby...â He squeezes your hand on his thigh, refocusing your attention as smoke pours from his mouth. âYouâre in a mood tonight, arenât ya?â You can tell by his sing-songy tone and goofy smile heâs already starting to relax.
âBeen thinkinâ bout relaxing with you like this all day,â you say dreamily. He offers you the pipe and you take it, practically purring when he sneaks his hands inside your sweatshirt and strokes over your legs while you smoke like you did with him. âJust happy youâre home and here with me.â
Ash pulls you into a slow kiss, tongue moving in the same delicate pattern his fingers are tracing on your thighs. âI missed you too, baby,â he admits as he pulls away. âYou know I try not to be a downer but it was one of those days where I couldnât help thinking it wouldâve been better if weâd just shut off our alarms and stayed in bed together.â
âGod, fucking same,â you commiserate, taking one more puff before passing the pipe back to him. âTell me what happened.â
The two of you go back and forth trading stories, the pipe and every so often, a kiss. After a while, he decides to pack one more bowl and you lean back opposite him on the chair as he sets up again. You look at the stars, smiling to yourself as the combination of your high, the breeze and the sound of Ash quietly singing along to your playlist makes you shiver. Today was hard but if itâs what you had to go through to end up here in this moment? It was worth it.
You sit up on your elbows when you hear the spark of the lighter. You watch him take a long drag from the pipe and youâre not sure what it is but he just looks so goddamn beautiful, you find yourself overcome. Before you even realize what youâre doing, you crawl over to him and bury your face in the crook of his neck.
He giggles softly, sitting the pipe aside as you attach your mouth to his neck, giving him what could either be three hundred quick kisses or just three long ones, youâre not sure, your lips seem to be moving of their own accord and really all youâre thinking about in this moment is how much you wish the beard burn youâre feeling on your face was between your thighs.
âYou good, baby?â He asks with a slight rasp in his voice, which you suspect is partly from his long day but also perhaps an indication heâs beginning to feel needy for you too. You take a detour to nip at his ear for a second before you kiss your way down his neck again; you work your mouth over the front and you moan when your tongue feels the vibrations of the soft moan he lets out.
You climb into his lap, straddling him and he stretches out his legs to accommodate you. You wrap yourself around him, in a kind of koala hug for a beat or two before quietly murmuring, âBeen thinkinâ bout this all day too.â You offer him a deep, passionate kiss that tells him how much you need him, today, everyday and right now this fucking minute.
Ash waits for your lips to slow and then he pulls away, cradling your face, looking into your eyes, searching. His hazel eyes are gorgeous as always but blown wide from smoking; you know yours must look similar but you can tell he sees the love in them, can sense your hunger. He makes out with you for a few minutes, following your lead, waiting to see how far you want to take this.
Your kisses are becoming increasingly heated, increasingly filled with need and he decides to have a little fun with you. His hands run down your back and land on your ass, affectionately rubbing over your hoodie covered backside as he cheekily replies, âThinking about me all day, huh? What exactly you been thinkinâ about all day?â
A naughty grin spreads across your face. You love playing this game with him. âStarted this morning when I had to drag myself out of bed even though I had you naked next to me,â you start, leaning into another slow kiss before you pull back just slightly, staying close enough that your lips brush against his while you speak. âYou looked so good when you told me goodbye, laying there half-asleep, cock more awake than you were. Wished Iâd taken the time to slip you inside me, started off my day by feeling you get hard for me.â You begin grinding into his lap to emphasize your point.
Ashton licks over your lips, squeezing your ass approvingly as you move over him. âIf youâd have done that, I guarantee neither of us wouldâve left the house today,â he laughs sinfully. âWhat else, baby?â
Your hands brush over his bearded cheeks. âEvery time I saw my reflection today I expected to see the marks your beard leaves - every weekend I just get so used to seeing my neck and chest so red⊠I miss it when we have to go back to reality,â you sigh, leaning back on your hands as you grind, exposing your neck, whining a little as he takes the bait and sucks a few spots on your skin, purposefully dragging his beard on you.
âLike that, baby?â He eggs you on, helping you ride him over his shorts, hands now roaming your ass over your panties, your hoodie having ridden up from your movements. âYou want to know something I thought about today?â Suddenly his fingers are firmly gripping you and he gently lifts his hips up against your center, meeting your hips a few times to show you how hard youâve made him.
You nod, gasping as you feel the swollen head of his cock rub directly over your clit, just two thin pieces of fabric separating you. Weed always makes you sensitive but you canât believe how you can feel yourself already soaking through your underwear, making them feel even thinner than they already are.
You can tell Ash notices it too, his fingers moving down your ass, inching closer to your pussy, clearly having felt the wet spot youâre spreading on his shorts and wanting to feel it for himself. âMind was wandering while I sat in traffic⊠thought about that time we got caught in that big jam driving home from the airport? Been so long since Iâd seen you⊠you didnât want to delay our reunion any longer so you started jerking me off right there,â he remembers, breath heavy.Â
For a brief second you think he might pick you up and take you inside, fuck you against the glass door or maybe on the table in the entryway. But instead he keeps moving his hips with yours, biting his lip as the friction builds. "Got so hard remembering your lips wrapping around my cock just as I started to cum⊠I was so sure someone was going to see us but you couldn't give less of a fuck⊠Jesus, baby, you're dripping." His fingers dance over the wetness thatâs spread down to your thighs and you breathe his name as he stills and pulls your panties to the side, sliding his fingers through your folds.
You brace yourself on his shoulders as he teases your clit. âThought about you all day, Ash... was so ready to let you have me however you wanted as soon as I got home⊠but then you werenât here⊠had to do it myself, think about you some more.â Youâre not sure if youâre making sense but youâre so far gone you donât really care and judging by the look on his face as he watches you grind into his hand, he doesnât either.
âSaw your vibe on the nightstand, wondered what Iâd missed out on,â he laughs, pressing your clit a few more times before bringing his fingers to his mouth and licking them clean. âMight have to ask for an encore performance, you know I love watchinâ you, baby.â
You feel his cock throb beneath you, as if to back up his claim. You groan and grip the tent in his shorts, pulling the material slack against him and squeezing, watching in awe as precum seeps through the fabric, leaving his bottoms almost as wet as yours. You canât stop picturing how angry and red his cock must be from leaking like this; you decide you need to see it and pull him out of his shorts, whining when you see how shiny and wet he is for you.
You tap his cock on your clothed clit, rolling your hips over him, the both of you moaning at the motion. As good as it feels, itâs not enough and you push your panties to the side again and rub his tip directly against you, whimpering as he growls your name, his hands flying to your hips to keep you moving.Â
Ashtonâs fingers dig into your skin as he holds you against him, thrusting steadily through your wet folds. In your hazy state, you have the briefest thought of slipping him inside you but youâre already sure you could cum from this and itâs just feeling so good⊠has anything ever felt this good? You donât want to stop. As you slide your pussy over his length, you can feel every ridge, every vein, you swear you can even feel his pulse as you move against his cock. You canât stop.
âSo fucking wet, baby,â he pants, hips moving wildly now. He slaps your ass a couple times, partly hoping itâll get you moving faster and partly hoping itâll get you to cum sooner because heâs not sure how much longer he can hold out. âWere you this soaked when you played with yourself earlier?â
You moan when you feel the sting of his palm. âOf course not,â you huff, nearing your end. âNothingâs ever as good as when Iâm with you⊠fuck Ash⊠love your cock so much, donât even need it inside me to get off,â you ramble as you move eagerly on him. A few breathless whimpers later, youâre grabbing onto his shoulders as you cum and shake against him.
âOh fuck, oh fuck, fuck,â he groans, pushing through your wetness once more just as it gets to be too much. You feel his cock jump and then heâs shooting cum all across your pussy; you gasp when you feel the warmth of his release on your thighs, a stark contrast to your cool, exposed skin.
Ashton tries to keep his eyes open so he can watch himself cover you in rope after rope but between the noises youâre making and the relief of finishing, he has to let his head fall back in bliss. You lean over him, softly nibbling at his lips as he comes down.Â
âHi,â you coo as his eyes flutter open.
âHey,â he sighs, dazed.
âThink you ruined my panties,â you smirk.
Ash grins devilishly. âIs that a complaint?â
You coyly shrug and squeal as he suddenly presses the latch on the armrest, laying the chair flat, settling back to easily hoist you up over his face. You let out a desperate âOh! Ash!â as his tongue licks you clean, eagerly moving across your folds and your thighs, mixing his cum with yours and swallowing it all down.
As he pulls away, he flicks over your clit a couple times, laughing warmly as you nearly jump out of his hold. âRelax, baby, Iâm just playinâ,â he soothes, pressing a soft peck to your pussy and each of your legs before moving you off of him.
Neither of you can seem to hold back the satisfied smiles painting your faces as you resituate yourselves: him putting his cock away and readjusting his chair, you peeling off your underwear and pulling your hoodie back down before crawling back into his arms.
You lay against his chest and the two of you bask in euphoric silence for a few minutes, curling into each other as the late night breeze picks up. You start to wonder what heâll do if you fall asleep out here, when he reaches for the long-forgotten pipe, sparking the lighter to finish the bowl he started before you got frisky.
Your eyes meet as he pulls his hit and when heâs done, you press your lips to his, inviting him to pass the smoke from his mouth to yours. You easily finish off the bowl together like that and then youâre back on his chest again, sated and stoned.
âSorry you had a shit day, love,â Ashton murmurs, pecking your forehead.
âSame⊠but itâs kinda funny to think that the shittiest days always seem to lead to some of my favorite nights with you,â you muse, softly sighing as he wraps his arms around you and squeezes you tight.
ââââ-
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title â a clouded fate
pairing â badboy!mark lee x female reader
featuring â lucas wong/wong yukhei, johnny seo, lee taeyong, nakamoto yuta (mentioned), lee donghyuck (mentioned)
word count â 17.2k Â
overall warnings â extreme drug use, drug dealing, alcohol use, language, religion, addiction, drug overdose, vomiting, one explicit smut scene
smut warnings â fingering, protected sex (stay safe, always!), high sex, corruption kink for like 0.2 seconds, degradation
collab â bad boy bingo collab, link here
lyrics inspiration â âcall it quits, call it destiny.â bruno major, easily ; âgotta stay high all the time, to keep you off my mind.â tove lo, habits
writing playlist  â link here
authorâs message â oh my gosh, itâs finally here! this has been a work in progress basically ever since early summer, when i started writing on this blog. this is one of my favorite pieces iâve ever written, but not because writing it came easy to me; quite the opposite. i scrapped and rewrote this three times, consulted many people for their opinions because i simply didnât think that it was good.
a few thank youâs: my babe @jensungfâ for reading the first draft when it was at barely 5k, the lovely @ncteaxhoeâ for reading it at 7k and also the night i finished it, @taemptengâ the writing god for proofing it for me, and my amazing @starlit-jenoâ for getting me through everything. also thank you @legendnctâ for hosting this collab! itâs finally at a place where i am happy and very very proud of what iâve written. i hope you all read and enjoy!
âDAY ONE.
The ice cold water thrown over him shocks Mark awake from his post-high sleep.Â
âWhat the hell, man?â He exclaims, wiping the water from his face as he sits up in his bed, soaked t-shirt sticking to the curve of his clavicles. His eyes meet the source of the intrusion: his roommate and best friend Lucas, holding a now empty pitcher.Â
âDude. Itâs past noon. Wake up.â
Lucasâ passive words only make Mark furrow his eyebrows in annoyance. âShut the fuck up bitch, Iâm awake.âÂ
âSomeoneâs feisty today.â Lucas retorts, tossing Mark a towel as he swings his legs over the bed. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he recognizes his best friendâs chastising tone in his diluted ears. âWhen did you get back last night? What were you doing?â
âCalm down,â Mark groans, the volume of Lucasâ voice beginning to hurt his head. Running a hand through his now wet hair, he responds, âI was smoking with Yuta. Got back around three in the morning.âÂ
âYuta,â mumbles Lucas. âYou know, I donât like him. Youâre always with him, getting high or something. Exams start soon, and youâre not planning to study at all? Youâve been high every day for what, like, the past two weeks?âÂ
This early morning lecture is enough to cause Markâs irritation to spike. Since when is Lucas so nitpicky? Last time he checked, Lucas enjoys partying just as much as he does. Sometimes, even more than Mark himself. âFuck, are you my roommate or my mom?â
âIâm your best friend, is what I am. Iâm worried about you. All you do is party, get high, and sleep. When was the last time you even ate?â Before Mark can even think back to answer that, Lucas continues, âYouâve been like this since you broke up with Y/N, andââ
Mark cuts him off. âDonât say her name.â
âYouâre hurting, Mark. And this isnât the right way to handle it.â
âOh, so you take one psychology course and you think youâre an expert or something,â Mark scoffs.
This seems to stunt his roommate for a second, before he sighs looking down at the image of his best friend sitting on the edge of his bed, gaunt eyes and all. The last time he saw his friend looking so pitiful was when his dad had passed. âIâm just worried about you. You should let me be, sometimes,â replies Lucas quietly.Â
âIâm an adult,â says Mark, which causes Lucas to scoff and respond, âThen act like one.â Annoyed, Mark stands and instead takes a seat at his desk chair.Â
The taller male speaks up once again, starting to tear off Markâs bed sheets that are now wet. âYou need to stop. This isnât good for you. Stop the drugs and tell Johnny youâre done. Study for your finals. Get your act together, stop acting like an idiot, and go get her back.â
When he finishes stripping the sheets and looks up, Markâs head is in his hands. âItâs not that easy.âÂ
âYou love her.â
âBut that doesnât mean weâre meant to be together,â Mark finally says as he looks up, voice raised in frustration at both the situation and the fact that his best friend is calling him out for it. âWe canât be together,â he declares. âIâm only going to ruin her. Sheâs good. Iâm bad. She has a future. I donât. Sheâs everything Iâm not and I canât mess it up for her. Not after... Not afterââ Lucas cuts his friend off, sensing that heâs about to start hyperventilating.Â
âI know. What happened, you canât change it. It was your fault. But donât say youâre not meant to be together. Nothingâs going to change the past. You broke up. But nothingâs going to bring you back together but yourself.âÂ
Mark stares at Lucas with tired, red-rimmed eyes, wondering when his tall goofy friend had grown so much. Has everything around him changed, matured, while he stayed the same?
âHow do I do that?â He finally relents.
âMake yourself good enough for her. Start with the drugs. Stop doing them.âÂ
He knows the truth in that statement, but doesnât want to acknowledge it. Itâs a lot easier said than done. With no words to say, Mark stands and starts to walk past his friend toward the bathroom. On the way out, he accidentally kicks his guitar, on the floor propped on the wall. âFuck,â he curses, looking down at the old wooden thing.Â
Lucas follows him out as he leaves the room, and Mark steps into the bathroom. Opening the mirror cabinet, he pulls out his prescription bottle which shakes with noise. Silently he pops a pill into his mouth and swallows it with a handful of tap water. Itâs probably a bad idea on an empty stomach, but heâll eat whatever Lucas is making right after.Â
âThat includes the Xanax, Mark!â Lucasâ voice calls from the kitchen.Â
âBaby steps,â he responds, staring endlessly into the pitiful character watching him in the mirror.Â
âTHE FIRST NIGHT
It isnât his first party, but itâs his first college party. Thereâs a big difference.
The scale is larger, the alcohol more plentiful. And more importantly, the shame of being under the influence is nonexistent. His ziploc of kush feels heavy in his pocket, but he knows heâll feel lighter with its effect later on. Schoolâs only been in session a week, yet Markâs already decided he likes university more than high school.
He hasnât smoked yet, but clearly others have, from the haze wafting from room to room. The music is loud, the air is musty, and thereâs a cloud of visible smoke surrounding a group of people in the corner. He can smell it now, the familiar scent relaxing him in a new environment.Â
Heâs about to venture out to said group, catching Lucasâ ashy gray hair (a horrible decision, really) sticking out from its inhabitants, but then something catches his eye.Â
In a room of dark gray smoke and purple LED lights, a white dress catches his attention. He turns his head and, faded by the blurred intensity of the smoke, there you are. Leaning with your back against the wall, alone. Youâre not doing much, just standing there in your awkward lonesome looking entirely out of place while swirling the contents of your red cup in your hand. With seemingly no move to drink it, youâre staring blankly into said cup, and Mark stares blankly at you. The white fabric of your dress seems to vividly attract the iridescent purple lights of the party, leaving you to stand out in the massive crowd. Though from the way you stand out from the crowd, it seems that thatâs the last thing you want to do; youâd rather blend into the scene.Â
But you donât. Youâre a beacon of white light in the gray bleakness of the party, and Mark contemplates his next action. He had promised Lucas that heâd be his wingman to try and win over Yuqi. But thereâs something about you that pulls him.Â
Oh well, he muses to himself as he slides across the room toward you. Itâs not his fault Lucas needs a wingman to talk to girls, and he doesnât.Â
âHey,â he starts, trying to make himself heard above the music. âYouâre staring at that thing like you need a refill.â
At the sound of his voice you look up as though suddenly startled. Then your eyes land on him and Markâs not entirely sure if heâs sane, but you relax. âNo thanks,â you respond politely. âI donât drink.â
âReally?â Mark glances at his red Solo cup, half filled with some sordid mixture of vodka and Fanta that Doyoung had given him earlier.
âIs that strange?â You ask curiously as he makes move to lean on the wall next to you. Except rather than lean his back to it, he presses his shoulder to the wall to face you.Â
âA bit.â Mark says as he tilts his head back, pressing the red cup to his lips as he downs the rest of the liquid in his cup.Â
âMaybe. Iâve learned that there are more people who drink in college than people who donât⊠I guess I fall into the second category.â When he finishes his drink, he tosses it over his shoulder.Â
âNah,â he says in response. âI donât really drink either. Only occasionally. Iâm already a mess with the weed, imagine how much Iâd be if I was an alcoholic.â He nearly expects you to laugh at his lame attempt at being playful, but heâs met with silence. Still, he doesnât miss the way your eyebrows quirk slightly upward at his words. Right now, dark hair tousled and dark ripped jeans decorating his legs, Mark thinks he looks pretty good. But you donât seem to be as interested as girls in the past.Â
âYou smokeâŠâ Your words trail and Mark finds himself enraptured by the form of your lips as you talk. His mind flies, but you continue, âHowâs that like?âÂ
He shrugs. âItâs nothing, really. Just fun. I have some right now if you want,â he says, patting his jean pocket.Â
âOh, no,â you immediately recoil, as if it were preposterous. Immediately your eyes widen and you shake your head at him. âNot-not that people who do it are bad or anything! Itâs just⊠not my thing.â
If you didnât drink or enjoy any substances, what were you doing here? He asks this aloud.Â
âMy roommate dragged me,â you explain. âWeâve only been living together for a week since the year started but sheâs⊠something else. Iâve seen her smoke more than Iâve seen her study.âÂ
You almost sound scared. This causes a laugh to leave his lips, and yours. Heâs finding, in the mere two minutes of conversation youâve made, that you are very different from the girl he thought you were across the room. You were indeed like your dress that attracted him: bright, pure, and comfortable.Â
And he wants you.
Your silence brings about Markâs introduction. âIâm Mark, by the way.â His hand stretches out to you and you stare for a second.
âY/N.â You place your hand in his, and from the jolt he feels in his heart, the first of its kind, that is the first time that Mark Lee believes in the existence of fate.Â
âFIVE HOURS CLEAN.
If someone had told Mark in his freshman year of high school that he would become a drug dealer in college, he would have directed them to his fatherâs church and told them to pray a bit.Â
Yes, prior to his entrance to adulthood and the cruel, cruel world, Mark Lee was a church boy. A good boy. He did well in school, dedicated his weekends to church and playing basketball with his boys. Up and down the high school halls, his signature laugh could be heard at any moment he wasnât in class.Â
Then the summer before his senior year, Pastor Lee passed from cancer and Markâs boisterous laughter became a long forgotten sound.Â
It was two weeks after his dadâs funeral that he met Donghyuck, a boy with shady eyes who offered him some kush. Just want to try it, Mark had tried to reason with his conscience when he took that first hit behind the school. Then he fell into the fatal world of drugs and partying. Lucas had been there since their junior high days, sad to see his friend fall so poorly, and he had forced Mark to get his shit together for graduation that year. Barely.
So yes, he was once the bright eyed boy he always wanted to be, who read the Bible front to back and wouldnât have known how to roll a joint, but that was fantasy. He wasnât that anymore. Heâs a college student trying to get along with the little money he can make from selling weed and other things. He had first gotten into this when he met Johnny Seo, two years above him who could tell that Mark was struggling to make tuition and rent with a job at McDonaldâs. Now Johnny has graduated and Mark is still doing his dirty work for him.
Thatâs exactly what heâs doing now, standing outside Taeyongâs house a little past 6PM with a pouch of kush in his bag.Â
Itâs easy money, but that never calms his nerves.Â
Even when the door opens to reveal Taeyong, shirtless and red hair in disarray, Mark doesnât stop bouncing his foot in worry. His restlessness isnât lost on Taeyong, who had obviously just woken up. âItâs 6PM,â Mark says, eyebrow raised at his appearance.
âI was up all night working on a track.â Taeyongâs eyes flicker to Markâs bouncing foot. âYouâre bouncier than normal,â he comments as he counts his bills in his hand.Â
âHavenât had my fix today.â Mark explains simply as the older male hands over a wad of cash. As he counts it silently, Taeyong points his thumb over his shoulder to his living room.Â
âWanna come in and hit some?â
Mark looks up at his offer and sighs inwardly. It would be rather easy to just give in and smoke a bit with someone he trusted, and he wouldnât even be paying for the weed. Heâs tempted. After weeks of being stoned nearly every day, heâs starting to itch for a fix. But Lucasâ gruff voice rings in his mind and he knows that if he gives in, only five hours in, heâll never be able to live with himself. So for now he does it for Lucas, but maybe in time heâll see that it was for himself after all.Â
âIâm good.â Mark nearly shoves the pouch of green into Taeyongâs grasp, wanting to be away from it as soon as possible. The red-haired recipient only blinks.
âYouâre giving it up or something?â
âOr something,â mumbles Mark sullenly, tucking his hands into his pockets.Â
âThatâs good,â Taeyong declares after a short silence. Mark looks up, meeting Taeyongâs suddenly sincere eyes. âGood for you. I really couldnât believe that you got into that stuff with Johnnyâs crowd anyways.â Mark only shrugs in response. Heâd long since stopped deliberating over that. This is his life now. âStill doing music?â
âIn name, yeah, Iâm still a music major. But I donât have time to play.â The last time he touched his guitar was this morning when he had kicked it. The last time before that⊠he doesnât know if he canât remember due to a marijuana induced haze or if itâs because it really has been that long.Â
Taeyong continues. âYou know, you donât have to do this stuff. Youâre a talented guy, youâre strong. If you could dedicate yourself to your music like you do to dealing, you wouldnât need to deal.â
This brings about a sigh from Mark. Who is Taeyong to tell him what to do, anyways? Last time he checked, he was the customer, not Mark. âYou all make it sound so easy.â
âTrust me. You can do it.â
âTHE FIRST KISS
The first time Mark kisses you, itâs cold outside.Â
Heâs walking you back to your sharehouse, down the streets of town, when he asks, âBe honest with me and tell me if that date sucked.âÂ
Itâs been a couple weeks since the two of you first met that fated night at Doyoungâs party, and youâve only now allowed him to take you out on a date. He doesnât know that itâs your first. Well, in some ways, itâs his also.Â
Markâs been on a few dates, sure, but those all ended up with him getting his dick wet in the dark parking lot of a Burger King or something. Heâd normally take them out for fast food, and finish with the usual fun stuff in his back seat. This time itâs⊠different. Not only does he figure that you wouldnât be down for that type of date, but something in him wants it to be different. The only problem is he doesnât know how to plan a good date.
He still took you out to get McDonaldsâ, but instead of retreating to the backseat, he drove the two of you to the movie theatre. It was probably a dumb choice of him in hindsight, deciding to watch an action movie, but something about the way you hid your face into his neck when one of the characters got punched out made him smile.
âNo, it wasnât⊠bad,â you respond, swinging your interlaced hands. You had surprised him earlier when you had grabbed his hand upon exiting his car, curling your fingers together.Â
âYouâre lying,â he sighs.Â
âNo, Iâm not. Really,â you reassure him as the two of you approach the door of your home. After all, how can you have a bad date when youâve never been on a date before? You have nothing to compare it to. âI had a good time. Actually⊠it was my first date.â
Mark blinks, having not expected that to be so. A groan leaves his lips as his free hand comes up to run through his hair. âOh god, and I ruined it.â
âNo, no, it was perfect. I wouldnât change it for anything.â You smile a sickeningly sweet, charming smile at him, and he sighs. Youâre too good for a guy like him.Â
Heâs beyond surprised actuallyâeven though you know of his habits, his hobby of wasting time and rolling joints, you havenât run away like others. And he likes you. A lot. Even though everything tells him that what he does is bad for you, he still wants you. Youâre a comfortable presence in his life.Â
âYou know,â you suddenly start. Mark looks up, intrigued. âIâve never kissed anyone before.â
He wonders if the surprise on his face is painfully evident. âReally? Like, ever?â
His question is met with a shake of your head, and he blinks. So youâve never drank or smoked. That, he can believe. But the fact that youâve never kissed anyone? Sometimes⊠you shock him with your boldness. Like earlier when you grabbed his hand and at your first meeting when you had asked for his phone number before he could. But in some moments like now, he realizes just how the duality of your personality comes into play.Â
âWhyâs that?â
You shrug. âI donât know, it never really felt right,â you explain as the two of you approach your doorstep. As he escorts you up the steps and to your front door, he furrows his brows deeper. Why were you telling him this?
âDoes it feel right, now?â He asks softy, gaze flickering to your interlaced hands as he turns to face you. His hand reaches forward, cupping your cheek, the touch soft despite the callused skin of his hands.Â
âYes,â you respond gently, simpering smile on your roseate tiers.Â
The smile on your face is sweet and pure, two words that Mark isnât.
A flood of relief shows on Markâs face, and you bite down on your lower lip as excitement bubbles in your stomach. âCan I kiss you?â A response quickly follows. For some reason he canât quite figure out, you let him into the maze that is you. Despite the leather jacket, his messy hair, and the lingering smell of weed on his clothes, you want him just as much as he wants you. Even though you both know that he isnât the type of guy that you normally like, the type of guy that your mother would approve of, you trust him. Itâs bewildering to him.Â
Then he guides you to him. Within seconds his lips are on yours, and you melt into him. Itâs surely not Markâs first kiss but it feels like it. The initial awkwardness, then the heat on his cheeks as you both fall into a rhythm. It feels right, like it was meant to be, just as Mark had hoped.Â
Youâre like the kind of irreplicable drug that Mark has sought after for years. The kind that brings a euphoric high which burns his lungs and twists his stomach, but in all the right ways.
â29 HOURS CLEAN.
The smell filling the kitchen leads Lucas to scrunch his nose in distaste when he exits his room. âDude, what the hell is that smell?â
His answer lies in the pan on the stove and Mark standing in the kitchen, wielding a wooden spoon. Clad in only basketball shorts, he looks absolutely foreign to the environment. Lucas sighs. âPlease tell me youâre not boiling crack right here in our kitchen.â
The face the Korean makes is scandalized. âWhatâno, what the fuck? Itâs mapo tofu. Iâd be insane to try and make crack cocaine.â He adds under his breath, âIn the apartment.â
Lucas leans back against the counter, cocking an eyebrow. âThen why are you cooking mapo tofu of all things? I havenât seen you eat anything but ramen and eggs probably since we moved in here. Andâput on a shirt if youâre cooking, or an apron at least. You look like a caveman.âÂ
âWell,â sounds Mark with a roll of his eyes at his friendâs expected lecturing. âI had a shirt on, but I spilled some spicy shit on it and took it off. And I,â he pauses, turning off the stove. âI thought we could eat your favorite food together before we head out to Henderyâs party. You know, as a⊠sorry for being a bitch yesterday apology.â
The taller man narrows his eyes, eyebrows furrowing as he tries to make sense of his best friendâs words. âSo you⊠decided to make my favorite food because you felt bad that I had to wake you up and take care of your shit?â
âI guess, yeah.â
Lucas laughs, a deep sound, whilst shaking his head. âDude, Iâve been doing that since middle school and youâre only apologizing now?â
Mark purses his lips, making a face of annoyance. âBetter late than never.â
âI guess. But sorry, I wouldnât want to eat your mapo tofu anyways. Smells more like my weekâs laundry than food. Maybe next time just order from that Chinese place around the corner that I actually like,â advises Lucas.
A pitiful laugh leaves Markâs lips. âDuly noted.â
âAnd anyways, Iâm not going to Henderyâs party. I have plans.â This causes Mark to finally take a good look at his friend. Heâs normally well-dressed, but tonight he looks even better, a little too fancy for the typical college frat party. Before Mark can even question what these other plans are, Lucas explains, âI have a date withââ
âYuqi,â finishes Mark for him. âFigured.â Lucas grabs his wallet on the counter, nodding before tucking it into his pant pocket. âIs that why you havenât been partying with us? Or why youâve suddenly been on this, âMark, sobriety is keyâ rant?â Mark questions, lowering his voice to imitate that of his roommateâs. At Lucasâ silence, Mark scoffs. âDude, your relationship is so fucked up, how many times are you guys going to try to make it work when it doesnât?â
All that leaves Lucas is a sigh, but Mark continues. âThis is what, your third breakup so far? And fourth time trying to make it work?â
âSome things are worth the effort,â replies Lucas easily, slipping on his shoes. As he reaches to tie his laces, Mark continues, âShe takes up all of your time now, you havenât hung with us in months, and all for a relationship thatâs destined to fail.â
âNothingâs destined to fail, Mark. Itâs all about how hard youâre willing to work for it.â His voice is calm, but thereâs something building beneath it. To this, Mark sighs, and says, âYouâve changed, man.â
Lucas grabs his keys, clearly at the limit with Markâs prodding. âSometimes people are worth changing for, Mark. Yuqi forgave me for what I did, and I forgave her for what she did. Weâre trying, okay? Weâre not walking away. Iâm sureâŠâ The taller male pauses on his words, as though contemplating them, before continuing. âIâm sure Y/N wouldâve forgiven you for what you did, but you walked away. And thatâs where weâre different.â
It hits him, and Mark tightens his jaw. Yes, his relationship with Y/N was destined to fail too, there was no denying it. To fight with his friend who he had just tried to make amends with, or apologize? He goes with the latter, only because heâs too exhausted for a yelling match right now. âLucas, Iâm sorry, okay? Iâm a little⊠on edge.â
âI know. Iâve known you for years,â chuckles Lucas softly. âI know how you get.â
âYeah. Have fun on your date, though.â
His best friend nods tightly. âYeah, I will. But if you care about what I told you, donât go to the party tonight. You know you wonât be able to control yourself.â Mark nods, sighing. âAnd throw out that mapo tofu while youâre at it. It stinks, and not in the good way mapo tofuâs supposed to smell.â
Mark rolls his eyes while Lucasâ laugh fills his ears. âJust leave already.â
With a few smooth movements heâs already slid out the apartment door. A sigh leaves him, alone in the apartment. He does as Lucas says, tossing his attempt at dinner in the trash. Itâs gonna be a long night.
âTHE FIRST TASTE.
The first time that you kiss Mark, however, itâs hot inside his apartment and sweat sticks the fabric of your tank top to your stomach.Â
That doesnât stop you from cuddling on his couch however, and you gaze up at him from your position under his arm to watch as your boyfriend, focused on the TV, lifts his blunt to his lips and takes a long drag. Underneath his arm, you observe how his lips wrap around the circumference of it, sucking in a sharp breath before releasing it into the air. He knows that over your time together, youâve come to accept the smoking. Itâs obviously clear to him that you donât particularly approve, but Markâs responsible enough to control himself. Now however, as you gaze up at him, you realize just how attractive your boyfriend is. Dark hair tousled and arms bared through his tank top, he looks so, so good. Somehow, he looks even better with the cig in his hand.Â
You never would have thought youâd fall for such a guy like him, but you keep falling. Heâs not the good guy that you dreamed of, but thatâs okay, because you make him good.Â
âMark?â You ask, still looking up at him.Â
He hums in response, turning to look at you.Â
Your voice is soft as you ask, âDo you believe in destiny?â
Your boyfriend blinks at the sudden question. âDefine destiny.â
âThat like, we all have a predetermined fate. That everything happens for a reason, and every challenge is just a small piece in a bigger puzzle. That we all have soulmates weâre destined to be with.â Markâs lips purse, pouting just the slightest in thought, a habit of his.Â
Does he?
Itâs a question, because he used to. He used to be a good old Christian boy, of course he believed that God had a plan for everyone. Every tribulation was just something that would make him stronger in the end. Unfortunately, the last time Mark can remember being at church, he fucked one of the choir girls in the Bible study room.Â
He canât really pinpoint when he stopped believing in fate. God? Yeah, sure he still believes in him, though the big guy upstairs will probably send him south for his irrefutable sins. But fate? Not really. If fate was real then it was really messed up to make him such a failure.Â
But, he realizes, gazing at the strands of hair matted to your forehead as a result of the hot summer weather, and the pure adulation in your eyes as you gaze up to him, that perhaps because of you, his destiny isnât too bad. Sure, heâs a fuck up with addictions and demons, but he does pretty well by keeping you happy. Because you make him happy. A smooth, suave smile spreads across his lips like butter. âI didnât before, but I do now.â
Your eyebrow perks up. âNow you do? Whyâs that?â
His arm wrapped lazily around your shoulders allows him to pull your face close. With the same smile, he presses a number of kisses to your cheek (much to your sweet protest, complaining about his sweat and smoke). As though he attempts to mask his words against your skin, he mumbles, âBecause I found you.â
Mark has never told you that he loves you; itâs a bit too intimate for him, whoâs never been vulnerable in that way, and you, whose every first is him.Â
But he doesnât have to say it, because you know it.Â
Your lips break out into a flustered smile, though you try to hide it from him. His quiet, unsaid confession fills you with glee and more importantly, confidence.Â
âBabe,â you tell him. This grabs his attention, because you rarely use such sweet nicknames. He attempts to respond, but youâre already sitting up and swinging yourself over to straddle his lap. Your movement brings about confusion on his features, and you take a deep breath. This isnât the first time youâve been in this position with him, but the first time youâve made the initiative to do it yourself. Mark was always leading you. So you lean forward, placing your hands on his shoulders, and you kiss him.Â
You can probably taste the smoke on your tongue, but youâve grown accustomed to that. Mark kisses back and grips your waist with his free hand, both shocked and amused by your sudden courage. Everything feels right, itâs like itâs destiny. Heâs about to slip his tongue into your mouth but you break the connection, choosing instead to linger your lips over his. Your breath is hot on his as you finally speak.Â
âI want a puff.â
âAre you sure?â He looks up at you, nearly breathless at the sight of you atop him. Lip gloss smeared from your heated kiss, you look delectable. Your wide eyes, once depicting innocence, are now focused and curious. He knows you donât necessarily approve of his habits, but here you are, sitting on top of him looking irresistible and asking for a taste.Â
âYes,â you confirm, as though reassuring yourself. Mark had always liked you, been attracted to you because of the notion that you were innocent, pure, bright. Everything he was not. He had never wanted to taint you, yet his confession still hangs in the air.
But as he lifts his blunt to his mouth, taking a long drag before blowing the diluted smoke into your waiting cavern, he starts to worry that this would be the beginning of a long downward spiral which would place no blame anywhere but on him.Â
â44 HOURS CLEAN.
The withdrawal forces him from his sleep at 5AM.Â
Mark wakes in a cold sweat, itching for a fix. Thatâs when he realizes how deep he really is.Â
Shit.Â
His fingers are shaking, so he moves to occupy them with the only thing he can think of. He drags himself out of bed, grabs his guitar, and makes his way out to the living room. Plopping himself down on the floor next to a window, he attempts to refamiliarize himself with the strings that he had abandoned. Lucas is still asleep, so he plucks quietly.Â
He has long since forgotten what it was like to lose himself in the sound.Â
There was once a time when he was passionate for something other than haze. It was music. The first time he touched a guitar, magic sprung through his fingers and he knew: he was made for this. Somehow, majoring in music composition and being forced to take so many theory and history classes had caused his passion to simmer. Now, it slowly burns again.Â
He doesnât realize how the hours pass and the sun begins to shine between the blinds.Â
His mind brushes over what Taeyong had told him two days ago. Is this what he had been missing all this time? All the hours he spent blinded by a foggy smoked haze, had he been neglecting his own love for music? Itâs amazing what he can accomplish when he takes a break from that life.Â
He starts to feel like the old Mark again.
For a second, he stops strumming and directs his gaze to outside the window. Thereâs not much to see except the college town, with the glimpse of the university itself just atop the hill, but he stares and relishes in the sight of the sunlight casting a glow over the town.Â
A knock on the door interrupts his deliberations.
A glance to the clock tells him itâs barely 9AM. Who would be here so early? There are two options, he decides as he stands from the floor to stretch his legs, resting his guitar on the wall. Itâs either Yuqi, Lucasâ renowned off-again on-again girlfriend, or Johnny coming to deliver the weekâs set.Â
When he opens the door, the visitorâs face is blocked by a box, but he knows those shoes. Those white ballet flats with purple bows were always your favorite.Â
Suddenly the box lowers and Mark is finally face to face with you, his ex-girlfriend. He hasnât seen your face in the months since youâve called it quits, even though heâs spent countless moments just staring at the leftover pictures on his phone. You look surprised to see him.Â
âOhâMark. Lucas said you probably wouldnât be awake.â So you had been keeping in touch with Lucas? This is news to him. Had his best friend been sharing that he had been basically wasting away the past few months without you?
âCouldnât sleep,â explains Mark almost sheepishly, running a hand through his hair. For a moment heâs glad he had the mind to put on a shirt before coming outside.
âOhâŠâ You trail, your gaze traveling down to the box absentmindedly.Â
He doesnât mean to be rude, but the surprise at seeing you on his doorstep makes him a bit gruff. Youâre still the same as before: same face, same shoes, same bright eyes. But thereâs something about you, about your aura thatâs different. More mature. More independent. Because you donât need him anymore. âWhat are you doing here?â
If youâre taken aback by his coarseness, you donât show it. âI brought a box of your stuff. Itâs just... stuff that was left at my house.â You gesture to the box in your hands, and Mark is quick to take it from your arms. He prays you donât take note of the way his hands shake.Â
Slowly he places it on the floor next to the door and when he stands again, youâre leaning back and forth on your heels looking rather awkward. He doesnât ask for an explanation but you give one anyways. You had always had a habit of talking too much when you felt nervous. âIâve had it since...â Your breakup, but neither of you want to say it. âI put it together a couple months ago but put off bringing it over. But I figured, uh, the school yearâs over in a couple weeks so I should just do it. I texted Lucas, he said heâd be awake to grab it but..â
âHeâs still asleep,â Mark completes for you.Â
âYeah,â you say simply. No longer having a box to occupy your hands, you hold them behind your back which only furthers the idea that youâre uncomfortable in his presence. It makes him sad almost, how much things have changed.
He thinks back to what Lucas had told him at the start of the weekend. Maybe it was possible to change things back to the way they used to be. âDo you want to come inside? I have some coffee, or someââ
You look at him with blinking eyes. âI donât drââ
âI know.â He knows you donât drink coffee. Of course he does. âI have tea. Itâs even peppermint, your favorite.â
âYou drink peppermint tea?â You look at him, incredulous.Â
âI donât. Itâs leftover from when I bought it for you. I just... havenât thrown it out yet.â
Thatâs what your love had done to him: turned him from a brooding boy into a softened man, so much that he was willing to keep your favorite drink around just in case youâd ever come back and want it.
âOh,â you sound. Your teeth bite down gently on your bottom lip, gnawing it in contemplation as you look away from him momentarily. When you look back, he can see youâve made your decision. âI donât think itâs a good idea, Mark. Iâm sorry.â
He expected it, but it doesnât sting any less. âThatâs okay. I understand.â An attempt at a smile is displayed on his face, but it doesnât reflect any of the radiance in the smile that you mirror back at him. Itâs small, the tips of your lips barely lifting, but itâs enough to remind him that you are indeed all that is good in the world, and he needs you. He loves you.
Maybe he canât love you right now but one day, heâll be good enough to deserve you. That day isnât today, but itâll come eventually. âIâll see you around,â you say to him.
âI hope so,â is his response.
You give him another small smile before turning to leave. âI hope youâre doing okay, Mark.â
He is, or heâs trying to. When you leave, he closes the door and returns the box to his bedroom before opening it up. Inside, numerous hoodies gifted to you because they became too small for him but were still huge on you. Old songbooks from his high school days that he no longer needed. A teddy bear he had gifted you on your first anniversary.Â
Pushing the box aside, he grabs a notebook and his music theory textbook. Maybe it actually would do him some good to study.Â
âTHE FIRST TEAR.
âWhat the hell, Mark?â
You donât curse often, so when you do, it wakes him. When you find him in his room, heâs knocked out with his body half on the bed and the other half slung over the edge. His hair sticks out in numerous fluffy tufts over his pillow, but you can still smell the weed off of him.Â
âHe only came back like, three hours ago.â He hears Lucasâ voice selling him out, and he groans into the pillow, only lifting his head to grumble at his roommate.Â
âSnitch bitch,â he says, his voice groggy and scratched.Â
âDonât get mad at him,â you suddenly speak up. âAt least he answered my calls when I was calling, worried where you were because you hadnât texted me since,â you stop to check your phone. â5PM last night!â
âI told you, I was going to Johnnyâs party,â responds Mark, sitting up in his bed, head still spinning. Rubbing his eyes, he sits up, looking rather disheveled and hungover.Â
âYeah, and you never texted me to let me know you were home. How would I have known if you had overdosed, or passed out drunk, or got in a car accident? Or just died?â As your voice rises, reaching a volume youâve rarely ever employed, you clear your throat to calm yourself and turn to Lucas. âThanks, Lucas. I appreciate it.â
âAny time,â he responds, giving a nod before walking away, likely disappearing into his room.
When you turn back to gaze into Markâs room, heâs slipped on a shirt. âWhat the hell were you doing out so late? 9AM is when you should be waking up, Mark, not falling asleep. Finals are next week, you were supposed to meet me at the library an hour ago!â
He makes an annoyed expression at your chastising, and you gaze at him with expectant eyes, awaiting an explanation. All he does is grimace and say, âBabe, can you like, quiet down? Iâm hungover, your voice is too loud.âÂ
Your jaw drops.Â
For a moment you stay like that, until you continue speaking, words coming out faster than Mark can understand them. âIâm just trying to help, Mark. Youâve partied more than youâve studied this year, and Iâm not going to let you just get away with it. Almost every weekend I have to stay up worrying about you, wondering when youâll get home, unable to sleep until you text me that youâre home and okay.âÂ
âMaybe you should stop worrying then,â he retorts.
âMaybe stop giving me reasons to worry?â
He rolls his eyes, laying back in his bed. âMaybe you should come with me then.â
You quickly reply, âMaybe you should stop partying.â
âMaybe you should stop trying to control me,â he finally spits.
Once again, youâre rendered speechless. And when you turn your head away, focusing your gaze to the hallway instead of at him, Mark thinks heâs won. But then you sniff, an indication that your sensitive heart has once again been touched with tears. âPlease,â you finally say, voice weak. This is the timbre Mark is used to hearing from you, not the tone you had used earlier when yelling at him. In this moment, heâs not sure which one he hates more. âPlease stop this.â
In a swift movement you reach forward, gathering yourself on your knees before his bed. You grab his hand, pressing your lips to it as a tear makes its way down your cheek. âPlease, please, please⊠please stop the drugs, Mark. Itâs made you this⊠this terrible person and I know youâre not like this.â Suddenly, youâre crying into the palm of his hand while he gazes at you in surprise. âMissing dates, staying out late, yelling, I know thatâs not you.â
âY/Nââ
âPlease, just call Johnny and tell him you canât do this anymore. Tell him youâre done. Please, for me.âÂ
Your begging causes Markâs jaw to tighten subconsciously. What youâre hoping for is a better Mark, a different person. Heâs not that person that you want him to be, he can never be that way. This is how he is and how heâll always be. This is his fate, to be a lowlife drug dealer barely passing college, and if you canât handle it thenââYou know I canât do that. You promised youâd be here through everything, all the good and the bad.âÂ
âThat doesnât mean Iâm going to let you destroy yourself like this, Mark.â
He rips his hand from your grasp, causing a slight squeak of surprise to leave your lips. Itâs almost as if heâs not in control of himself, because he blows up. âCanât you just be like a good girlfriend and love me through the bad shit? Iâm trying my best here.â
But is he really? Suddenly, as though empowered by some kind of intangible strength, you rise to your feet, the sadness in your eyes now quickly replaced by anger. âI do love you, thatâs why Iâm acting like this, you asshole!â You wipe your tears furiously with the back of your hand before glowering down at him. âBut if you canât keep your mind sober long enough to see that then call me when you can.âÂ
He registers the sound of the bedroom door slamming shut, causing it to ring in his ears. Within the blink of an eye, youâre gone. Fate is a really messed up bitch for this.Â
â1 WEEK CLEAN.
Itâs been a week.Â
A week since the last time he touched anything, though he had been tempted when Yuta invited him over for some sativa. The drinking and partying isnât hard to let go of. Itâs the weed, because it got him through the hardest days.Â
A week in, and heâs pretty proud of himself.Â
Nowadays, he tries to occupy his shaking hands with guitar or studying but heâs started playing so often that his hands are now raw and in pain. Today, because the weatherâs nice outside and his fingers hurt like hell, he decides to take a walk.
Itâs aimless at first, just exploring the streets around his apartment on foot. But then ten, fifteen, thirty minutes pass, and without knowing it, heâs arrived at his destination. Johnnyâs place. Standing in front of the door, eyes boring into the bright red paint of the front door, Mark feels himself start to slip. No, he decides, he has to do this. This is the right thing.
A shaky knock on the door is followed by another stronger one. He waits a minute before trying again, yet as his hand lifts to place another knock on it, it slides open to reveal Johnny himself in casual wear. âHey,â greets Johnny, giving Mark a nod. âWhatâs up? I told you Iâd drop the next batch off at your place, you didnât have to come out here.â
At Johnnyâs question, Mark feels his breath caught in his throat. Not only is the guy taller than him and towering over him in every aspect, but he could definitely throw Mark under the bus for his own crimes. But no⊠he wouldnât do that, right? He had done enough for Johnny over the past three years that he would let him off easily, surely? A gulp is heard in Markâs throat as he straightens his position in front of Johnny.Â
âThatâs the thing. I⊠I donât want to do this anymore.â
For a moment, Mark thinks that the taller man will be angry. Johnny stands before him, eyebrows furrowed. âWhy?â
âI just need to.â
Johnny immediately starts to argue, tilting his head. âYou know youâre my best seller, though. No one sells as much as you, and I trust you with all the big deliveries. Who am I supposed to give the heroin to now⊠Ten? As if, Mark.â He scoffs, shaking his head.
âIâŠâ Mark starts, though he stops. âI need to stop. Iâll finish the batch from this week, I promise. I only have like, two deliveries left but I just, itâs not healthy for me. And itâs not because Iâm planning to sell you out or anything, or find someone else but I just canât do this anymore.â He finds himself ranting, finding more interest in anything but Johnnyâs face. âIâm not happy, Iâm angry and anxious all the time, and being around the drugs only makes me want to do it more, and I just⊠I just canât, John.â
When he finishes his unfiltered rant, he looks back to the taller male and tries to read his expression. Will he be angry? If his earlier debate was anything, he definitely wouldnât let Mark off without a fight.Â
But instead, the older nods. âI get it. Just finish your deliveries for this week and call it done.â
Mark blinks at Johnnyâs easy acquiescence. âT-Thatâs it? Youâre not going to fight more?â
âYou want me to?â Johnny asks, cocking an eyebrow thatâs almost mocking.Â
âNo, but IâŠâÂ
âThought youâd be worth the fight?â
âNo, thatâs not it.â Mark shakes his head. âI justâŠâ
âMark,â sighs Johnny, standing straight from where he had been leaning rather casually against the doorframe. âIâm not stupid, okay? I know that drug dealing is hard for you. And Iâm also not oblivious, I know that you and your girlfriend broke up, okay? Yuta told me what happened with the coke, and I wasnât surprised when you refused to sell it anymore.â
Mark frowns even deeper at the mention of it, but Johnny continues. âIâm not going to force you to do something you donât want to do. If you say itâs not good for you, then itâs not good for you.â
âButâŠâ Mark starts, but doesnât find the words to continue. It was⊠that easy. âOkay. Uh, thanks, I guess. For everything?â
âSure. Just donât come crawling back when you canât make rent on your McDonaldsâ salary. Male strippers make pretty good money, if youâre interested.â Itâs clear Johnnyâs joking, so Mark rolls his eyes and laughs, though the sound is somewhat tight.Â
âIâd love to talk to you some more about ways to get a hustle going, but I have to go find a new dealer, and teach Ten how to stop giving weed to everyone he meets because he thinks they need a pick-me-up.â Johnny sighs, as though the life of a drug dealer is the most difficult of them all, which in Markâs experience, it might just be.Â
âAlright. Uh, later, John.â
Johnny nods in acknowledgement before shutting the door. Mark breaths out a heavy breath.Â
That went⊠surprisingly well. Maybe Lucas was right, maybe it really was this easy all this time. Perhaps he had always just been the one believing that it was difficult, because he had made it so. He had been stressing over it all this time, but Johnny was more easygoing about it than heâd thought.
As he walks the path home, he thinks he deserves a reward for his endeavors. Itâs a bit selfish maybe, but he opens his phone, and youâre on his speed dial.Â
âHello?â You ask, voice bright as always but clearly a bit guarded from the name that had flashed across your screen.Â
âY/N,â Mark breathes out. Itâs only been a few days since you had swung by the apartment.Â
âHey, uh⊠whatâs up?â
He doesnât quite know either. He had quite honestly been a bit impulsive in pressing on your contact, and now that you truly rest across the phone from him, he has no idea what his purpose was. âUm, nothing much, I just wanted to tell youâŠâ A soft breath leaves his lips. Will you be happy for him? âI told Johnny that I quit, that Iâm done.âÂ
Thereâs a momentary pause on the line, and Mark begins to worry that youâve hung up when you finally breathe out, âThatâs good, Mark. Iâm⊠Iâm proud of you.â
Proud. He had only been hoping for a âgood for you,â at most, but to hear that youâre proud of him, it makes him smile to the ground as he walks the trail back to his apartment. Fuck, youâve made him weak. âThanks.â
âI guess you really are doing well then,â you say.
When he gets home, riding the high of his successes from standing up to Johnny to calling you, he flushes his Xanax pills down the toilet and watches as they swirl away into oblivion, as if they had never existed in his life in the first place.
âTHE FIRST CRASH.
Mark connects his lips to your neck and suckles on it softly, drawing a moan out of you. The sound you make goes straight to his dick, and he releases a breathy groan against your skin. âFuck, you sound so pretty, princess.â
Princessâthatâs the name heâs given you, because all he wants to do is treat you right. And he does, especially in times like these, where you feel the heat of his body on top of yours and he devours your moans in his mouth.Â
He currently lays between your spread legs, your combined figure lost in his bed sheets as he softly grinds his hardened core against yours. Heâs still got his jeans on while youâre laying only clad in your panties, yet the feel of the denim is enough to have you moaning. You tilt your head back as a light mewl leaves your lips, your body subconsciously grinding down on his.Â
It had been complete heaven for the both of you when you had given him your virginity, your purity, at the beginning of this year, and since then you have been basically insatiable. You had never felt such desire for anyone before him. Now as his hands rub small circles over your clothed clit, you want him once more.
Youâre shaking your head, so needy for him but he doesnât relent, only smirking more while he continues rubbing sinful circles on your clit. âTell me what you want.â He wants to hear your beg.Â
Voice soft and breathy, you say, âPlease, Mark, Iââ
The doorbell rings. Itâs heard through the apartment and Mark groans, rolling his eyes while attempting to keep you going. âKeep going. Itâs probably just Lucas forgetting his key again.â
Though the mood was momentarily killed, you both try to fall back into place. Now his fingers have left your clit, instead pulling your panties down to your midthigh. âShit, youâre soaking,â he moans out in amazement, running a finger through your wet folds. As much as he wants to dive in and fuck you until youâre cumming all over his cock, he needs to hear your sweet voice dripping dirty words for him first. Easily, he slides a finger in, to which you groan at the stretch. But itâs not enough.Â
âDonât tease me, please.â
He smirks, slowly sliding his singular digit out of your sensitive core whilst he thumbs your clit. âGo on then, princess. Tell me what you need.â
âFuck,â you curse and he finds it so hot. âI⊠I want you toââ
The doorbell again. This time, Mark audibly curses. ïżœïżœFucking hell,â he sighs, removing his fingers from where you need him. Instead, he moves up and places a sweet kiss on your lips. âIâll be right back.â
Heâs still fully dressed, so he simply opens the door and slips outside before closing it again behind him. As heâs walking down the hall, the doorbell rings once again, causing him to roll his eyes. God, how many times was Lucas going to lose his keys?
The person at the door, however, isnât his roommate. Itâs Johnny, holding a black gym bag. Mark already knows what it is. He runs a hand through his hair, already crazy from how you had been running your hands through it. âHey, John,â he says, taking the bag clearly in a rush. Itâs Sunday, which means Johnnyâs dropping off Markâs deliveries for the week.Â
âHey, man,â greets Johnny, handing over the list. Mark doesnât even bother to check that everythingâs there, so the older man raises an eyebrow. âBusy?â He asks, eyeing Markâs disheveled clothes and the fresh hickey on his collarbone.Â
âKind of.âÂ
âNice. See you next week,â says Johnny with a click of his tongue and a wink, then Mark closes the door and heâs gone. Now, back to whatâs important. He slings the strap over his shoulder and makes his way back to his bedroom. As soon as he enters, you look up at him with wide, anticipating eyes.Â
Youâve pulled your undergarments back on, much to his displeasure. Mark drops the dark bag on the floor in the corner, and your eyes find it. âJohnny came?â
âYeah. Just dropping off for the week,â replies Mark, his mind not exactly on it as he takes off his shirt, tossing it somewhere. He moves back over your figure on the bed, lips on the curve of your breast fully intending to return things to the intensity they were at just earlier.Â
Though his lips trail up to meet yours and his hands begin tugging your panties back down, he can tell from the way youâre kissing him that youâre not fully there. So when you moan his name, he knows itâs not out of pleasure. âMark,â you say softly against his lips.
âHmm,â he responds, callused hands gripping your thighs and leading them open. Heâs about to slip his hand inside your panties, but your hand stops him.Â
âCan I have some?â When he looks at you, your eyes are not focused on him, but the bag in the corner. Your eyes are faded, clouded as your both ascend to a place of pleasure. You⊠wanted drugs? Sure, heâs blown a few times in your mouth but in your relationship spanning over a year already, youâve never directly asked for any.
His dark eyebrows furrow. âAre you sure?â
You bite down on your lip. âWhatâs in it?âÂ
âI donât know,â reveals Mark truthfully as he gets off of you and makes his way over to the package, picking it up and placing it on the bed. Youâre sitting up now, peering over the bag with interest as he unzips the gym bag open. Though the exterior looks unsuspicious, the bag opens up to reveal bags of white powder and green kush.Â
Cocaine.Â
Itâs dangerous. Mark gazes down at it, biting down on his lip.Â
âIs that⊠cocaine?â You ask, not unaware of the extreme drug sitting in your boyfriendâs room.Â
He nods, almost ashamed. âYeah.â
A silence falls over the two of you, both just staring at the white bags. Itâs almost unbearable, how much Mark wants to throw the bag away and just resume your activities, but youâre still gazing into the bag with contemplation, fear, and even⊠curiosity.Â
âSo, can I have some?â You ask again.Â
Mark sputters for a second, blinking. âBabe. Iâare you sure?âÂ
You nod, eyes dark and curious. âYeah.â At your confirmation, sounding like it was more to assure yourself than him, Mark stares holes into the white substance. Itâs filling the bag to the brimâsurely whoever he has to deliver it to wonât notice a lineâs worth missing.Â
So itâs with steady yet hesitant hands that he pulls a pack from the bag, directing you. âGrab your credit card,â he says, walking over to his nightstand. Unzipping the bag just the slightest, he pours out a small amount. Just a little bit, he swears.Â
When you return to his side with your said card in your hand, he takes it from you and lines up the coke on the table. In a neat little line, itâs set up for you. âOkay,â he starts, looking at you. âJust hold down one nostril andââ
âI know how to do it. Iâve seen it at parties.â You interrupt him as you kneel, finally head level with the nightstand. Itâs true; the few parties you have attended alongside your boyfriend, thereâs more than enough depictions. He watches with interest as you lean forward, holding one side of your nose closed, and snort up the entire line in one go.Â
First, you cough into the nightstand. When you turn and look at him, youâre wiping the remaining white dust from your nose. âYou okay?â Your boyfriend asks you, to which you nod. âIt takes a few minutes to work.â
Again, you nod silently, sitting down on the bed and gesturing Mark to come to you. When he approaches, you lay back in his bed, looking up at him with lustful eyes. âNow, hurry up and fuck me.â
The words are so rare from you. Itâs all he needs to hear, unbuckling his belt and dragging his jeans to the floor in two swift movements. Within moments heâs back on top of you, feeling your heat once again. He starts slow, pressing kisses to your stomach, breasts, and neck while waiting for the drug to take effect. He knows the exact moment that it begins to work; your pupils immediately dilate, and suddenly youâre a loose, moaning mess underneath him.Â
Your muscles relaxed, Mark immediately presses a long kiss to your swollen lips while dragging down your panties. He would usually opt for more foreplay, but heâs waited long enough. He pulls away for the shortest moment to slip on a condom, but before you know it heâs already flush against you again.Â
It feels so good, even just his touch on you. Youâre so sensitive, senses heightened by the drug that you feel everything: his large hands on your breasts over your tips, his lips marking your neck. When he leads his dick to your dripping entrance, you watch in anticipation, though youâre shaking.Â
As he finally slides in, finally filling you up, you tilt your head back and let out a loud moan, the loudest yet. It just feels so good, you feel so full, and heâs so, so deep.
Everything isâŠ. so good. Euphoria creeps into your headspace.Â
He pulls out, and you moan again. âAh,â you gasp sharply, feeling every ridge, every muscle stretched as he slides out, only the tip inside you. Then he slams back in, causing your back to arch and your toes to curl. âOh, fuck,â you moan out again, eyes closed tightly, lost in the pleasure.Â
Markâs hand grips at your hips, eyebrows furrowed in focus as he falls into a rhythm. He would have taken some himself, but he wanted to watch you fall apart under him. Suddenly you grab at his free hand, and he intertwines your fingers. Youâre squeezing him, his hand and his dick altogether, so tightly as youâre lost in your pleasure.
âFuck, princess, you feel so good,â he moans out, closing his eyes. He immediately opens them again, not wanting to miss a second of you. âYou love my cock, huh?â
Breathless, you nod without words.Â
âAnd to think, just a year ago you were an innocent little prude. Now look at you, taking my cock like the slut you are. High on my drugs, fuckââ Mark taunts, moaning aloud as you suddenly clench around him. âFuck, you feel so tight.âÂ
When he adds his hands to your clit, rubbing the nub in circles the way he knows you love it, the pleasure is heightened for your sensitive body. Your temperature rises, your heartbeat uncontrollableâall the telltale signs of that euphoric high.Â
A few minutes pass like this, you completely out of it and moaning at the top of your lungs whilst your boyfriend fades in and out of your vision. You grasp onto his arm, tilting your head back. âMark, IâmâIâm gonnaââ
âDo it,â he musters out, never stopping his hips. âCum for me. Cum all over my cock like the good girl you are.âÂ
And you do, losing it as you tighten around his length, walls clenching repeatedly. This brings him over the edge, cumming into the condom with a shaky breath. He keeps the rhythm going for both your sakes, though his thrusts go erratic as he comes down.Â
You do the same, your thirty minutes of elation coming to an end soon. As soon as youâve come down from your orgasmic high, you immediately relax. Your breathing is labored as you relax into his sheets.Â
Mark pulls from you with a low groan. By the time heâs tossed the condom off into the trash and returned to his bed, youâre already asleep, chest rising softly. A post-cocaine high can do that to you. A soft chuckle leaves his lips as he slides into bed with you, slipping a hand over your waist.Â
With the way your body fits right into his, one could say you were made for each other. In Markâs mind, maybe you were.Â
â3 WEEKS, 6 DAYS CLEAN
His hands shake as he curls the wrapping paper, giving it a soft lick to secure it.Â
Tomorrow will be four weeks, a whole month since the last time he had done anything. He had passed his exams. After he had thrown the pills away, he was sure that everything would be smooth sailing. But he was wrong.Â
Heâs disappointed in himself, he is. He wanted to be better, but itâs harder than it seems. Lucas would be disappointed in him. You would be too.
Luckily, neither will find out.Â
Right now heâs tucked in his bedroom away from Lucas with the excuse that he was napping, but heâs not. Instead, heâs wrapping a joint with the leftover weed tucked in his nightstand.Â
Itâs not because he wants to, or because heâs being peer pressured by anyone around him. Itâs for one person onlyâhis dad.
On this day, five years ago, Pastor Lee passed away.Â
The first three years, the hardest ones, he had Lucas. The past two years, he had you.
Noâthe first three years werenât hardest to face, this one is. He still has Lucas, but not really. Had he swallowed his pride, had he just told his best friend that he wasnât okay when he had asked about his fatherâs death anniversary, things would have been okay. Lucas would have nodded in sympathy, then dropped everything he had to be there for Mark. Theyâd chill and drink a couple beersâno, not drink, not anymoreâbut maybe watch a movie and play some games until the day had passed. That would have been bearable.Â
But that hadnât happened.
When Lucas had asked Mark how he felt about the day, Mark had lied and blubbered out a, âOh, was that today? I totally forgot.â Why had he done that? He doesnât know.Â
Because he had had too much pride to admit to his friend that he was struggling⊠Now heâs here, trying to take care of his pain in the only way he has left.Â
He lights it, fingers still shaking, and his body relaxes into the mattress as he finally gets a taste of the clouded, sinful smoke once more. The only downfall to this is that he knows, oh he knows well, just how much pain that it causes for him and those around him.Â
âTHE FIRST BURN.
Over the years, Mark has grown accustomed to the warmth.
Itâs what you do to him, what he associates you with. Your first kiss, despite the cold winter air, warmed his soul from the inside. Whenever he looks at you⊠thereâs a feeling of espousement that explodes within his chest. Yes, he loves you, even if he doesnât say it often. He doesnât need to. You know. Youâve opened his eyes to the beauty of love, the exhilaration of showing yourself to someone and being fully accepted. In his life once frozen over with the loss of his father and the death of his innocence, you showed him warmth.Â
When he wakes, youâre burning up.Â
More than you should, even with the two of you naked beneath his blankets. Youâre sweating, he realizes as he slides his hand, which he had slung around your waist as the two of you drifted into dreamland, over your skin.Â
You must be hot underneath the blanket, so he starts to slide it off the blanket from your figures. Then he hears it: you cough, the choked sound coming out scratched and labored. Though youâre turned away from him, he can hear the struggle in it. Itâs as if⊠thereâs something blocking your throat.Â
His eyes immediately widen, adrenaline spiking as he sits up, grabs your shoulders, and turns you around. No, no, it canât be. Where you had been laying, facing the wall, thereâs remnants of your vomit, though some had gotten lodged in your throat.Â
Fuck, fuck, fuck. His fingers grab your wrist. Youâre still breathing. Youâve still got a pulse, but itâs fast, too fast. So fast, he can barely count it. âShit,â he curses. Youâre overdosing. Youâve overdosed. Fuck.Â
Itâs the cocaine.Â
âY/N,â he calls, voice already loud enough to make the house burst into flames with the amount of desperation he puts into it. Shaking your shoulders, he tries again. âY/N, baby, fuckâwake up!â When you donât come to, he turns his head over his shoulder, screaming, âLucas!âÂ
Itâs only the early morning, will he be awake? âLucas!â
âMarkâŠ?â Your voice draws him out from his panic, and he turns to you with wide eyes. Your eyes, pupils dilated and shaky, fly all over the room. âW-Whatâsââ You donât finish, because immediately youâre flinging yourself over the side of his bed and throwing up the remainder of whatâs in your throat out on his bedroom floor.Â
The door slams open. Lucasâ worried face appears. Mark is trembling, breath shaking, and youâre still vomiting over the carpet. At the moment, Mark doesnât care that the both of you are naked in his bed. âWhat the hell happened?â
Mark feels himself start to slip away, only a moment from hyperventilating, but he speaks. âHospital⊠cocaineâoverdose, IââÂ
âIâll go start the car.â Lucas is immediately out the door, loud steps running down the hallway to grab his keys. At least somebody is in a stable state of mind. Mark starts to move, standing to dress the two of you, but you grab his arm as he steps out, perhaps using the last of your energy. Your eyes are wild, your mouth parted as you heave heavy, labored breaths.Â
âI⊠I canât breatheâMark, I canât,â you start between hurried breaths, but donât finish. Immediately you go slack, falling back in his bed with closed eyes rolled into the back of your head.Â
âFuck,â he curses, immediately throwing on his jeans and sliding your dress over your sweltering body. Though heâs stumbling and racing to gather things, his phone, his wallet, and yourâs, he picks you up into his arms bridal style, racing out of his bedroom into the living room.Â
Flying out the front door, the cold morning air greets him in an unpleasant fashion, only making your perspiring body seem even warmer, reminding him of his faults. Lucas is already sitting in the front seat, ready to go, but Mark throws the two of you in the backseat. At this point youâre completely gone to the world, head thrown back against the cushion as he struggles to put on your seatbelt. It seems like an arbitrary precaution in this case.Â
As Lucas starts to drive, moving as fast as he can possibly go, Mark clutches your hand. âBaby,â he finally breaths out as reality begins to set in. This is his fault, he did this to you. He doesnât deserve to hold your hand, so instead he lets go, placing it in your lap before leaning forward to place his head in his hands.
âOh my fucking god,â he finally lets out, exasperated.
â1 WEEK, 2 DAYS CLEAN
âMy name is Hyunjoon, and I am addicted to alcohol. It has been⊠six weeks since my last drink.â
Mark bounces his leg erratically, glancing around the room. Thereâs some people he knows, recalling their faces on campus or around town, but some people he's never seen in his life. Heâs supposed to reveal himself to these people? He doesnât belong here.
Or maybe he does. After his last breakdown, it had taken him three days to fess up to Lucas. His friend, though disappointed, was more than understanding. âItâs a long road,â he had told Mark at the time. He said that he knew of an addiction support group in town, and encouraged Mark to attend. Heâs right; Mark knows he canât do this alone.
âGlad to see youâve gone another week, Hyunjoon. Happy to see you back.â
Heâs next, so he stands. âUm,â he starts, rubbing his nape and feeling awfully out of place. âIâm Mark, and Iâm addicted toâŠâ he sighs. âA lot of things.âÂ
The kind looking leader of the meeting offers him a smile. âYou can share if youâd like.â
He takes a deep breath. Thereâs so many people, so many eyes. âMostly weed. I drink a lot, or I used to. I⊠I was trying to stop everything then I had aââ How to describe it? âRelapse, last week. I donât think I can do this alone.â
âWe commend you for your courage, Mark.â Thereâs a soft round of applause in the circle. The smiling leader then continues, âWe ask everyone who is new to this group, âwhy.â Why do you want to stop your addiction? Why do you seek help? Besides the obvious reasons that itâs bad for you.â
This question doesnât take long for him to answer. âI hurt someone. Someone that I really loved, and honestly⊠I hate myself for it. So I have to stop.â
There seems to be a couple of nods around the circle as Mark sits back down. He releases a breath he hadnât known heâd been holding. This will work. Things will be okay. He will get better. He will get you back.
âThank you for that, Mark. Welcome.â
âTHE FIRST REGRET.
Mark finds himself in the same position he had been in earlier in the car, except this time heâs sitting on the floor right outside your room on the hospital floor, hiding his head in his hands. What is wrong with him?
What had he done to you? What had he allowed you to do to yourself?
God, heâs fucked up.Â
Lucas is inside with you. He had wanted to be there when you woke up, but he couldnât. He could barely look at his face in the hospital bathroom mirrors; how was he supposed to face you, IVs hooked up to your arms as a result of the drugs that he gave you? It was supposed to be fine, it was just a little bit! It was supposed to help the experience you two were having. But instead, it almost ended your life.Â
He looks back now. Just two years ago, when you had first met, you didnât even drink. Youâd never been kissed, never been touched. Now heâs⊠done this to you. Heâs despicable. You donât deserve him. You deserve better.Â
The door opens, and Mark finally pulls his head up to see Lucas step out with a somber expression. Itâs a stark juxtaposition that saddens him, for Lucas is so often the light hearted joking one of the two. âShe wants to see you.â
Mark parts his lips, shaky breath exhaling. âI canât.â
Lucas takes a seat next to him on the floor, sighing. He probably looks crazy, shirtless and puffy eyed on the floor, but his best friend moves next to him anyways. âI know. Sheâs not angry, you know.â
âThatâs the worst part,â mumbles Mark, staring out at the bleak white walls of the hospital in front of them. He doesnât say much, but Lucas understands him it seems.Â
âSomethingâs gotta change, Mark. Somethingâs gotta give.â
He knows, with a soft nod of his head. Of course, he knows what Lucas means, but what it means to him is different. He has to give something up, and itâs going to be you. Not because he can live without you or because he doesnât love you, but because it needs to be you. You canât be around him any longer. Youâll only continue to be hurt.
When this thought finally occurs, and he accepts it, it becomes a little easier to face you.Â
He rises to his feet. âIâll⊠Iâll see you later,â he finally says, twisting the doorknob to your room open.
â1 MONTH, 4 DAYS CLEAN
He doesnât know why you asked to see him for lunch, but he does know that you look good. You look healthy, you look better than you did that day when he slipped into your hospital room and saw you there, laying lifeless and gray. But that day, you still smiled when you saw him.Â
You look rather happy, like youâre doing okay without him, though he hopes thatâs not that caseâno, thatâs not a good thing to hope for. He hopes that youâre doing okay, but that youâll be even happier when youâre together again. Again, you smile at him over your food. Even after all this time, you still look at him like heâs the center of your universe.Â
Though you had made small talk about your lives, what you were both doing, how your mom is, how Lucas is, and other unimportant things, itâs at the end of the meal when your voice finally sobers, though you keep a smile on your lips.Â
âIâm sure youâre wondering why I brought you out here.â
âIâŠâ Mark starts, blinking, before nodding. âYeah.â
You laugh, causing the slightest smile to break out across his lips. Itâs still the same laugh you had, that fated night when you met. âI just wanted to see you again. And talk. We havenât talked in a while.â
Markâs smile turns into a bittersweet simper. âI thought that was because you didnât want to talk.â Though you had spoken to him on that phone that one day, he had chalked that up to you being polite when he suddenly called.Â
âWell, at first, yeah, but you know itâs been almost a year since we broke up and⊠I had some things I wanted to tell you.â Him too, but heâs not entirely sure heâs at his best just yet. Nevertheless, he smiles and nods.Â
âIâm listening. You know I always am.â
You take a moment or two to simply stare at him with thoughtful eyes as you think over your words. All the while, your sweet smile never leaves your roseate tiers. Finally, hands folded over your lap, you start.
âThank you.â
Mark blinks, but you continue. âI know that we didnât end off on the best terms but I wanted to make sure you knew that I was thankful for you. For having you. Youâve done a lot for me. Youâve taught me a lot, and I canât thank you more for everything youâve done.â
You blink repeatedly, eyes fluttering before you continue, which leads Mark to think that these words might be just as emotional for you as they are for him. âThank you for teaching me love. Because of you, Iâve grown a lot and become a better version of myself. A stronger one. Iâm really thankful that you were my first everything: my first real dateââ His mind flies back to that night. That movie really was a horrible movie.
âMy first kiss.â Does it feel right, now? Yes. Can I kiss you? Yes.
âMy first time.â It was awkward, but it felt, as it always did, right.Â
âThank you, for being the first guy I loved. I really⊠really loved you, Mark. But most of all,â you say, gazing at his wordless figure with those eyes of yours. Theyâre not as innocent and naive as they used to be. Theyâre matured now, hardened, but still, the sparkle is there. The same sparkle that had attracted him that night, three years ago, with that damned white dress.
âI forgive you.â Mark releases a shaky breath. âFor everything. I donât want you to blame yourself anymore. Itâs not your fault, really. Iâm better now, Iâm healthy. Please, donât hurt yourself anymore because of me.â
âY/N, Iââ
âI met you in my first year here. Weâre going to be seniors, Mark. Weâre going to graduate and be thrown into the real world, where thereâs real consequences. I donât want the consequences of what happened to weigh you down. I just want to move on, and you deserve to move on too.â From the glint in your eye, itâs clear how long youâve pondered over these words.Â
He wants to reach out to you, to grasp you and bring you back to him. Because heâs trying to let go of the past so that he can focus on loving you fully as you are.Â
Sure, you can forgive him, but he needs to forgive himself first. Heâs not quite fully well yet. He has to be patient.
A soft exhale leaves his lips. âThank you. For forgiving me.â
Yet another sweet, beautiful smile spreads across your lips. Itâs the smile that haunts Markâs dreams. âYouâre welcome. And thank you again for everything.â As the waitress appears, returning Markâs credit card that he had graciously used to pay for the meal, you stand with your bag.
No, you canât be leaving just yet. âStay in touch, okay, Mark?â
But he has to let you leave. The day will come when itâs right. âYeah,â he manages, swallowing the lump in his throat. Yet as he watches you walk away, he can feel that that string of fate he had always believed tied the two of you together slowly wearing, twisting, breaking.
âTHE FINAL TEAR.
âWhat do you mean we should break up?âÂ
Your voice is scandalized, angry. Mark simply keeps his gaze to the living room floor, eyebrows furrowed in complete unhappiness. He never wanted it to end like this, but heâs run horrible with thoughts that the things he did brought pain to you. Itâs time to end it. Not because he wants to, but because he should.Â
âWe just should,â he responds bleakly. âAfter what happened, I think itâs clear that weâre not good for each other.âÂ
Itâs been a month now since youâve been discharged from the hospital. After you had convinced your doctor that you werenât addicted to drugs and in need of rehab, you had gone home. Mark had luckily had enough saved to pay off your hospital bills; neither of you wanted your parents knowing. âMark, itâs okay. I told you itâs okay!â
âNo, itâs not. Itâs not just because of the overdose. Things have been like this for a while now.â
You attempt to grab his hand. If he allows himself to bask in just one moment of your kindness, heâll give in. You beg, âMark, please, hang on for me, for us. I promise things will get better, things can change.â
He snaps, pulling his hand from yourâs. Your eyes widen up at him, shocked and appalled at his sudden movement. âNo! Canât you see? You didnât even take that much. I took more coke in my first snort than you took in that entire line. The overdose shouldnât have even happened, but look, it did. This is wrong.â
âWhat, the drugs? Iâve been telling you that. Please, we can get better. We can find help.â The fact that youâre still pleading him with kind, gentle eyes, makes this all worse. It only further proves that youâre good. Heâs not.
âNo, not the drugs. Us.â
âUs?â
He runs a hand through his dark hair, shaking his head in frustration. âWeâre not right for each other. This isnât working.â
âWhat do you mean? Tell me why.â
âWeâre just not⊠destined to be together. What happened, it was Godâs way of telling us that this is not right. Weâre not right for each other,â he explains, voice exasperated as he tries his best to explain the mess of his thoughts.Â
This seems to take you aback, your voice finally rising. âOh, so now you care what God thinks?â
No, not really. But sometimes he has to listen. He doesnât respond, so you continue. âIâve been more than willing to make this work for two years, Mark. You think any of this was easy for me? My first boyfriend and heâs a freaking drug dealer for Godâs sake. I tried to take it all because I loved you! I took care of you when you were hungover, I waited around shady areas at night so that you could drop off deals, I stuck with you for everything. Fuck,â you shout, causing Mark to tense. You rarely curse, and based on your usage of it now, he knows just how upset you are. âI even overdosed and Iâm still here. Yet itâs always you pushing me away, making it difficult. Why are you running away from us?â
Heâs not running away. âIâm not running away,â he declares. âIâm letting you run away.â
âAnd what makes you think I need to run away from you?â
âBecause! You heard yourself, donât deserve those things. You should have someone to take care of you when youâre sick, not always be the one fixing me when Iâm sick. You should have someone to walk with you through the shady areas. Thatâs not me. Iâm not⊠right for you.â He finally spits it out, eyebrows tightened together as he releases the thoughts that have been on his mind for a month now.Â
Youâre silent for a moment, taking in his words with your arms crossed over your chest. When you speak, your voice has returned to its normal speaking volume. âYou told me that you believed in fate, that you believed in us. Is this fate? Fate that we met, and fell in love, and broke up? Is it fate that you hurt me over and over again and I came back, every single time? Because if thatâs fateâŠâ A single tear falls from your eyes, though you wipe it away so itâs as if it never even existed. It seems even you have some pride now, not to cry in front of him. âIt seems like your idea of fate is pretty messed up.â
Mark takes a large breath, looking away to gather his thoughts before looking back to you. Youâve both come so far since that night, the image of her clouded by the purple lights, the energy of the party. Now, all that glamour is stripped away. Itâs just you and him, as you are. âYou had to meet someone like me, so you can know what you deserve.â
âSo thatâs it? Youâre just going to call it quits, and blame it on destiny?â Your tone is mocking, questioning his reasons and probably his sanity.Â
âIâm not calling it quits,â he immediately retorts, responding sharp and quick. âIâm letting you go.â
âNo,â you say as you approach him. âYouâre giving up. On us, on everything we worked hard to build. Our trust, our relationship, everything.â Your finger digs into his chest, pointing an accusing blame. âI broke up with you,â you emphasize. âNot the other way around. I broke up with you because you tugged me around, you pushed me away, and you never listened to me. I got tired of it, and broke up with you.âÂ
With that, you pull away from him, though when he finally comes to realize the weight of the conversation you just had, he sees you grabbing your bag and slipping your white ballet flats with purple bows on. âY/N.â
He wants to say heâs sorry, because it wasnât supposed to be like this. He hadnât planned for the conversation to go up in flames.Â
Whenever you walked out during arguments, there was always a promise to call later, to talk when your minds were stable. But now, as you turn over your shoulder, walking out of his apartment and life, you muster a goodbye.
âDonât call me.â
â3 MONTHS CLEAN.
âSenior year!â Lucas yells as he throws open the front door with the power of the Hulk, startling Mark whoâs still unpacking some boxes of cookware in the kitchen. âItâs our time, time to shine!â
A soft laugh leaves Mark as he places some cups in the cupboard. He and Lucas had left their apartment for two months for the summer to return to their homes, but here they are, back and ready to take on their final year. They had finished middle school and high school together, and now theyâll graduate college together. It makes Mark smile.Â
As he leaves the kitchen to greet his best friend in the living room, he sees that the guy has already brought in a number of his boxes. âHey, man,â calls Mark, who leads Lucas in for a dap.Â
âHey yourself, you barely talked to me this summer,â Lucas chastises playfully. âIgnoring me, I see.â
Mark laughs, shaking his head. âNot ignoring, just⊠working on myself.âÂ
âGood,â responds Lucas, turning to bring in the rest of his boxes. Yes, Mark had spent the entire summer dedicating himself to the lost cause that was himself. He started working out again, got a job, and even worked on rebuilding his relationship with his mother. Things were looking up for him.
He feels ready. Lucasâ voice interrupts his thoughts. âHey, wanna take a break and get some food?â
His question meets a raised eyebrow from Mark. âYou just got here, like, two minutes ago.â
âAnd?â
A laugh leaves Markâs lips, and he shakes his head. âNothing. But, uh, I canât. I was going to go⊠see Y/N.â
âOh?â asks Lucas, leaning down to tear the tape on one of the dark cardboard boxes filled to the brim, probably with Lucasâ pillows; the man was like a giant baby, sleeping with ten pillows. âYou called her and asked to meet up?â
âNo,â responds Mark, who follows these words with a deep breath. âIâm going to go see her.âÂ
Lucas stands straight once more, his playful expression from earlier now serious. He shoots Mark a soft smile, patting him on the shoulder. âNice. Iâm happy for you. Are you leaving now?â
âUh, yeah, I was planning to go after I put all the kitchen stuff away.â
Lucasâ grin grows even wider, stretching from ear to ear as he gives Mark a little pat on the bum, which is supposed to be encouraging. âWell, then go get her, tiger! Good luck, man,â he yells supportively as he pushes Mark out the door.Â
As he shuts the door, Mark blinks. âDude! I donât even have shoes on! Or my car keys,â he laughs, banging on the door.
Some time later, Mark finds himself hesitating as he parks his car a block down the street from your sharehouse, the same place he had kissed you, that many years ago. He doesnât even know if you still live here. You had been broken up since the beginning of your junior year, who knows if you had decided to move out?
He contemplates this as he walks down the sidewalk to your place, hands in his pockets and gaze on the floor. Surely, if youâre not there, one of the girls will point him in your direction? Hopefully.
Oh, but you are there. As your home comes into view, he sees you. Youâre there on the front porch, dressed in a simple white skirt and the same white ballet flats with purple bows that you can never seem to grow out of.Â
But youâre not alone.Â
Thereâs a man with you, though his back is turned to Markâs view. He blinks. His steps stop completely. Surely it could be anyone right? A neighbor? A classmate?Â
But thatâs impossible. Not because class doesnât start for three days or because you and him met the neighbors on all sides of your house, but because you lean up on your toes, the way you always did with Mark himself, and kiss the strangerâs cheek.Â
It would have been easy to lie to himself, but then itâs much too clear. He realizes it then as he stares, only a few steps away from the path that would have led to your steps, the steps he took when walking you back on your first date, intertwined hands swinging between the two of you.Â
Heâs too late. Maybe much too late.Â
He was a fool all this time. Thinking that he could be better for you, that he could defy fate with his free will and urge the universe into letting you be together. Lucas was wrong; life isnât free will, neither is love.Â
This is his fate, thereâs no use denying it.Â
He stands staring for a few moments, simply gazing in complete desolation at the sight before him. This is it, this is the end. Heâs ready to submit to his poor fate, the internalized idea heâs housed that heâd never be able to find a love like yours ever again, but then you see him, probably because he stands out like a stain of black paint on the green canvas of your lawn.Â
He doesnât hear you, but your lips form his name, âMark?â and your eyes blink in confusion.
He doesnât wait too long anyways, for heâs already turned on his heels back to his car. Fuck fate and its tendencies, giving hope where there will only be heartbreak.Â
âSOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE FIRST TEAR AND THE FIRST CRASH.
The smell of you invades his senses, but he doesnât care. Itâs one of the first nights in a long time where youâve agreed to go to a party with him. Though other girls beg for his attention, heâs still only got his eyes on you. Your outfit tonight is much too nostalgic.
âYou know,â he whispers in your ear, dancing against your backside with a hand on your waist. âYou look best in white.âÂ
âI know,â you respond, chuckling whilst dancing back against him. He had taught you how to dance a while ago, and you just keep getting better and better.Â
âYou wore this dress on purpose, didnât you, you little minx,â he teases, though a playful laugh leaves his throat. His words draw a knowing giggle from you, and Mark feels as though he could get drunk on the sound alone.Â
âMaybe,â you respond back, turning and pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. This is when Mark gets a good look at you.Â
Itâs so easy to remember the way you first appeared to him, standing awkwardly in a corner of a party just like this. This time the lights decorating the aura of this party are not purple, but his heart is all the same. Youâre wearing the same outfit now, definitely at this point to tantalize him and tease him; you loved to make fun of him after he told you that he had fallen for you because of that dress alone.Â
But youâre different now.
Youâre brighter, taller, more mature. Now you are not just your person carrying your own thoughts, but his as well. You know him, know his thoughts and his feelings, know his worries without asking. Your smile is bigger, it reaches your eyes more now than it did that first night, a forced simper at the strange guy coming to flirt with you. You dance with more confidence, you carry with yourself a quiet strength despite your hesitant nature.Â
He loves you. God, he loves you. He tells you just as much.
With a hand over your hip, he pulls you close. You think heâs going to press another tipsy kiss to your lips, but he doesnât. Instead he brushes his lips to your ear and he whispers, so softly you would have missed it if you hadnât been purposely filtering the partyâs music to focus on his voice: âI love you.â
You blink, and stop your dancing. Itâs the first time heâs ever said this to you.Â
âMarkâŠâ you start, lips parting in surprise, but heâs pulled away to smile sweetly at you. Itâs not flirtatious, the kind of smile he gives you before attempting to pull you in the bathroom for a quick one. Nor is it the knowing grin he shoots before guiltily asking you to go refill his drink. Itâs a small one that barely touches the tips of his lips, and the look alone makes your heart melt in espousement. âI⊠I love you too.â
You had told him, of course, the other month when you had tore him apart in his bedroom after finding him hungover. But this time itâs real, and in the future you both will choose to remember this as the first time.Â
Some might think that itâs unorthodox to confess such strong feelings such as love in the middle of a party, sweltering with the heat of dancing bodies and the musky smoke in the air. But for the two of you, it doesnât matter. Itâs just you two in here; you only see each other.
â3 MONTHS CLEAN, ONE HOUR LATER.
Markâs currently in his room, completely bare except for his bed and desk, sulking away. When he had returned home with a bitter lilt in his steps, Lucas didnât need any explanation, stepping out to âmeet Yuqi.âÂ
Of course, it had been Lucas who had put him in this place of thinking he could get you back but in the end, it was only himself that he had to blame. He never had the chance, it was his fault for thinking he ever did.
Heâs learned his lesson.Â
Itâs only an hour later when Lucas knocks on the door again. Fuck, Mark thinks inwardly while rolling his eyes. Itâs only the first day back, has this giant managed to lose his keys, again? He makes his way out to the door, already preparing to give Lucas hell for being so irresponsible, but Lucas never makes his appearance at the door.
âY/N.â
âMark, Iâm sorry, butââ
âNo, Iâm sorry. I shouldnât have shown up at your place uninvited.â Heâs quick to interrupt you, shaking his head. Itâs easy to pretend to be strong; he just needs to maintain a strong front until he shuts the door again.Â
âItâs not that, Iââ
âI wonât do it again, I promise. I know you said you wanted to move on and I shouldnât be surprised, it just hurts to see it, and so, Iâllââ
âMarkââ
âI hope that youâre very happy, and that he can make you happier than I diââ
âThatâs my brother, you daft idiot!â You finally cut him off, voice rising to a volume louder than his. He had flinched at your sudden peak in volume. You give him a pointed look, and when he doesnât dare speak again, you continue. âThatâs my brother, Mark. He helps me move in every year, you know that!â
Thatâs true, he does know that. And heâs met your brother many, many times. Shit, he realizes.
â... Oh.â
âMark Lee, you think I could move on from you that quickly? Itâs been like, two months!â You scold him, as if the idea is preposterous.Â
âWell,â he reasons. âTechnically we broke up a year ago.â
You seem to have the energy to argue back. âOkay, but I only really let you go when school ended this year.âÂ
The two of you stare at each other for a long moment following your words, before you both start to laugh. You crack first, trying to remain serious when all you want to do is envelope him in a hug, for how could you ever love anyone else? You canât even imagine trying to date anyone right now. He follows right after, shoulders relaxing as you start to chuckle.Â
âWe look insane right now, you know,â he says, sighing as his chortle comes to an end.
âYeah, and Iâm insane because I drove like a madwoman chasing after my ex because he saw me with my brother,â you say with a pointed tone, to which Mark sighs.
âOkay, in my defense, I saw him from behind, and you are awfully touchy with your brother!â He starts, when you begin to laugh again, pure amusement breaking out across your visage. Wow, just five minutes ago he had been regretting all his life decisions, yet here he was with you again, making conversations like you had years ago in your relationship.Â
When the laughter dies down, the two of you are left staring at each other, and reality sets in. Yeah, he had run away when he saw you with your brother of all people, and you had chased after him, your ex. Where does that place you?
Mark speaks first, breaking the short silence. âIâm sober now, you know. I havenât done anything, anything at all, in three months now.â
Surprise seems to claim your face at the revelation, and heâs not sure if he should feel proud that he managed to shock you with his success or saddened that it seems to be that much of a surprise. âOh?â Your surprised expression is replaced with a smile. âIâm proud.â
He nods, unsure what to say next, but luckily you add on, âWhat made you decide to stop?â Youâre undoubtedly reminiscing on all the times you had begged him to give it up, to which he would stubbornly resist.Â
âYou.â
Your features contort into an incredulous expression. âMe.â
âReally,â Mark urges. âIâŠâ he pauses, preparing himself for the words about to leave him. He had long pondered over this moment, wondering if it would truly happen. âI lost you, and I know that I said it was because we werenât meant to be together but somewhere along the line I realized, I can live without weed, and parties, and alcohol but I canât live without you.â
âMarkâŠâ You start, lips parted as you grow silent.
âNo, please, let me finish, I donât want to take all the credit because it was Lucas who had to come and knock some sense into me and make me see: sure, fate can be real and that soulmate shit might be real too because I believe youâre mine, but I know that everything is a choice, including love.â His mention of Lucas has you smiling, and he has no doubt Lucas has talked to you recently, attempting to be the middleman once more. âI love you, thereâs no doubt about that, I love you more than I love partying, my friends, or anything. And if I love you that much, thereâs nothing that can keep me from you.â
He grasps at your hands, and thankfully, you donât pull away. âNot God, not fate, not anybody. Only me. I was the only thing keeping us apart. I want to be with you, I want to make things better, and I promise⊠I promise Iâll do everything in my power to be the best for you.â Mark takes a deep breath, taking a moment to glance down at his hands holding yours before looking back to your eyes. âI canât promise that I wonât have relapses. But I promise that as long as youâre there for me, I will be there for you. Iâll walk you through the shady areas, I wonât run away.â
âMarkââ
âI donât know if my words will be enough for you to take me back but I swear to you on my entire being that I will be hereââ
âGeez, Mark does sobriety make you extremely prone to interrupting, or what?â You butt in, but you laugh, looking up at him with sparkling eyes. Whether itâs you natural shine or tears building in your eyes, neither of you know. âDonât even go there, or explain anymore. Of course Iâll take you back, you idiot. You think I would chase after you like that if I didnât think about running back to you every day?â
This causes him to laugh. âIâm glad you didnât. I wasnât ready. I was waiting until I was good enough to run to you.â
âYou ran away earlier,â you point out teasingly, and he rolls his eyes, pulling you close over the threshold of his apartment.Â
âThat was the last time.â
Your hands find his chest, resting upon the expanse of it as you look up at him with a cheeky smile. âBetter be, mister.â
âOh,â he muses, as you wrap your fingers around the fabric of his shirt and all feels right again. âYouâre bold.â
âA year apart does that to you,â you smile, still a hint of shyness on your lips as you finally tug him in, kissing him. You melt into him and his hands immediately find themselves on your hips, just where they belong.Â
Oh yes, there it is again, that feeling of euphoria. Youâre the only drug, the only high he needs.Â
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Candace Parker voted AP Female Athlete of Year for 2nd time
Candace Parker wrestled with the decision to make a huge change in her life and leave Los Angeles â where she had played her entire WNBA career â and head home to Chicago.
In the end, the appeal of a homecoming was too much for Parker to ignore, and it couldnât have worked out better.
The 35-year-old Parker staved off Father Time to help the Chicago Sky win the franchiseâs first WNBA championship and capped off 2021 by being named The Associated Pressâ Female Athlete of the Year for a second time.
âThere was something about going to where you started playing the game,â Parker said in a phone interview. âItâs exciting to play in front of the people who first saw me pick up a basketball. To win at home, Iâm just now recognizing it a little bit. How special that really is. Something that is top on my list.â
Itâs a list that keeps the working mom and basketball analyst for TNT pretty busy. Parker is finally beginning to appreciate bringing a title to her hometown in the twilight of her career.
As the final seconds ticked off the clock in the WNBA Finals, Parker sprinted to the corner of the court where she hugged family and friends, celebrating becoming one of the rare elite athletes to return home and win a championship.
It was a long shot ending not many saw coming when Parker made the move. Winning it all seemed an even more remote possibility at the start of the WNBA season when the Sky lost seven of their first nine games. Parker was sidelined with an ankle injury, but when she returned, Chicago started winning and earned a No. 6 seed in the playoffs.
âIâm really thankful for those who made my journey and the people who supported me making it as smooth as possible. My daughter, my wife, my immediate family, we rolled with it. We wanted it,â she said. âThings are going to get hard, but stick with it.â
It is an approach to life that made Parker second-guess her decision.
Parker was concerned that she would be viewed as a quitter by leaving Los Angeles. This despite being named the AP award winner her rookie year with the Sparks in 2008, when she was honored as the WNBAâs MVP and top rookie. She also guided the Sparks to the championship in 2016 and is one of 14 players to have won a college, WNBA and Olympic title. She played college ball at Tennessee, where she won two titles.
âIâm a big believer when you start something you finish it. When you say something, you do it. Iâm not perfect, as I do say stuff and donât follow through,â said Parker, a two-time Olympic gold medalist. âMy parents taught me donât quit. I wanted to finish my career in LA, but I also finished my contract, I committed to that amount of time. I didnât ask to be traded. The better opportunity for me and my family was to go back home.â
The 13 years since her first AP athlete of the year honors ties Parker with Babe Didrikson Zaharias for the longest time between winning in the 80-year history of the award. The award was voted on by a panel of sports editors. Parker received 11 first-place votes, edging out swimmer Katie Ledecky and gymnast Simone Biles.
âYou couldnât write a better story than the one of Candace Parker bringing the WNBA championship to her hometown in her first season with the Chicago Sky,â WNBA Commissioner Cathy Engelbert said. âOn top of her accomplishments on the court and in the studio, she has continued to be a leader and role model to many, including working moms around the world. The WNBA is proud to have players like Candace who continually raise the bar and elevate the game and our league to the highest level.â
Parker is the only WNBA player to win the AP Female Athlete of the Year award. She hopes that changes soon as the league continues to get more national exposure.
âThe more visibility we get as a league, which seems like it is coming, the more weâll see,â Parker said. âIf you see it, see ... more and more talented players ... that are capable and deserving. This next wave of athletes that are able to have their career followed from the time it starts till the end are going to change the face of the WNBA.â
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Doki Doki Literature Club Girls x Reader
summary: you spend the day at the amusement park with the rest of the Literature Club! (it's recommended to read these together in order because they are connected, but if you prefer then you can read just whichever one you want to. Reader is intended to be female.)
full word count: 7.7k
Sayori
It was a gorgeous Saturday morning in town. The sun was shining high overhead in the pale blue sky, but the fluffy white clouds drifting by here and there were enough to ensure that it wasn't too hot. There also happened to be a nice, soothing breeze out, you note to yourself as you gaze out your open window to the neighborhood. A perfectly lovely day.
Well. That was enough of that, you muse to yourself as you slide your window closed again and pull the curtains in front of it to avoid any of the cheery sunshine washing into your room- it created an awful glare off of your computer screen which made it hard to watch your anime.
Content with your decision to stay inside today and catch up on your favorite shows, you walk over to sit down at your desk and turn on your computer. That's as far as you get before the doorbell rings, however.
You ignore it for now, assuming someone else in the house will go answer it. Then you suppress a groan of frustration when you recall that you're home alone for the better part of the day, a big reason why you had set the date aside to stay indoors and enjoy some peace, quiet, relaxation, and anime.
The doorbell rings again and again, much more insistent now; it almost could be playing a song of some kind. "I'm coming!" You call as if the visitor can hear you, grudgingly hopping up and hurrying downstairs. The doorbell just keeps ringing, and you don't even check the peephole to see who it is before you open up because the sound is really starting to grate on your nerves and you just need it to stop as soon as possible.
Your neighbor and somewhat-best-friend Sayori is standing there, and she looks a little shocked to see you, despite this being your house. She slowly presses the doorbell one last time, and you resist the urge to sigh heavily.
"Hi, Sayori. What's up?" You question. It's been a minute since you two have visited outside of the Literature Club, so you're making an effort not to act as annoyed as you feel for being so rudely disrupted. She could have at least texted a message saying she was going to be dropping by- then again, this was Sayori. Odds were, she had been walking by heading to the store or something and spotted your home, causing her to make the impulsive decision to bug you.
Her eyes brighten and a wide smile replaces her startled expression. "Hey, Y/N! It's Saturday!"
You stare at her for a moment. "Uhm...yeah, it is." You aren't entirely sure what she's expecting from you- maybe an invitation to come inside? Sayori's sort of a pain to watch movies or shows with, though. She's such a chatterbox and can't really focus on one thing for long at all, so whenever she does tune back in, she's got a million dumb questions that she'd know the answer to if only she'd bothered to pay attention. Nonetheless, you offer, "Did you wanna hang out? I was about to watch some anime, and you can join me, if you'd like."
Your words don't seem to come as any shock to Sayori, and she shakes her head firmly. "Y/N! I figured you were shutting yourself up in here. It's seriously a nice day, let's get out and have some fun!"
So much for compromising! And you'd even been trying to be nice, sheesh. "But I-" You frowned, trying to come up with an excuse for why you couldn't go out today, eventually settling on the truth since it was easiest. "I was just looking forward to some downtime, maybe next time though, okay?"
Instantly Sayori is pouting, acting like the exact same little kid you first met years ago rather than the almost-adult she was. "We've had this talk before, I don't want you becoming a total NEET! You can watch your shows tomorrow, but we really should enjoy this day, I bet it's gonna rain tomorrow! I mean, the rain is fun too, but-"
You're visibly defeated. "Okay, okay, lemme just grab some money. What'd you have in mind?"
Instead of calming down now that she's gotten her way, Sayori gives an excited little bounce, clapping her hands together. "Thanks, Y/N!" She grins at you, radiating warmth and energy. "I was thinking the amusement park!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The amusement park was in town for another few days, and you had yet to go to it, but you doubted you were missing out on much. It was crowded with people, as expected, and you recognized a lot of other people from your school even in their casual clothes. It made you absently wonder if any of the other girls in the Literature Club were here today...
"Hey, did you hear me?"
Sayori's voice shakes you out of your thoughts, and you look over at her. "Oh, sorry. What'd you say?"
She doesn't seem upset in the slightest. "I said, we have to go on the roller coaster!" She points excitedly across the park where you can see the top of the coaster. A lot of screams and a long line are in that direction, and you do your best not to look nervous.
"R-Roller coaster? Isn't there anything else you want to do first?" Trust Sayori to immediately pick the biggest attraction in the place. You're a tad surprised she isn't already hungry, to be honest, though you two did just enter the park.
"Coaster first!" Insists your best friend, taking your hand and beginning to drag you off towards the ride in spite of your clear hesitance. "And then probably food! I'd hate to get sick, you know?"
You can't help but smile. It was likely the most responsible thing you'd ever heard Sayori say, and one which you were grateful for considering you two would obviously be sitting next to each other. It helps you to relax a little bit too, but as you join the line with her, you can feel your anxiety starting to mount yet again the closer and closer you get.
Sayori is chattering away, but you're trying to block her out because she's babbling about all sorts of things. You wonder suddenly if she's trying to distract you...but quickly brush that assumption away. It would be nice, but Sayori just tended to talk a lot all the time, this wasn't new.
After what feels like much too short of a time, it's your turn to ride the roller coaster. Fear grips you, much as you don't want to admit it. You shoot a panicked glance at Sayori, who was humming cheerfully to herself. She meets your gaze, and her hum falters, tapering off. She gives you a reassuring and oddly quiet smile, taking your hand. It's different than before, when she'd been pulling you through the park. This time, her grip is steady but not demanding, allowing you to pull away if you wanted to do so. It's also possibly the only time you can recall ever seeing your best friend look so...shy.
It's more comforting than anything she could've said, and you give her hand a squeeze to thank her. The two of you enter the roller coaster in seats next to each other, and a worker comes along to help the two of you strap in properly. Your heart feels like it's about to burst out of your chest, and you're assuming it's just because of the roller coaster adrenaline, nothing more.
The ride starts and you close your eyes shut tight, keeping a death grip on Sayori now; you can hear her breathless and excited laughter even through the sounds of the other riders screaming and whooping. Many twists and turns, sometimes slow and sometimes fast yet always nerve-wracking, and a particularly terrifying drop-off later, and the ride is over.
You blink open your eyes, stunned to realize you're still in once piece, and leap out of the coaster as soon as possible, tearing your hand out of Sayori's. She doesn't seem all that worried about it, fortunately. She climbs out onto the solid and safe ground next to you, and you bite back a giggle. Her hair is so crazy and windswept and sticking out in all directions from the ride, but then you figure yours probably is too, and self-consciously try to pat it down.
Unlike you, Sayori doesn't appear concerned with her appearance, her cheeks flushed with delight and invigoration, not embarrassment. "That was so much fun!" She cheers, spinning around you as if she still had too much energy to contain. Then she paused, practically glowing as she looked at you and you only had a heartbeat to notice that she was very close in your personal space. "Thank you so much for coming with me, Y/N."
It was such a genuine and vulnerable statement that you were briefly at a loss for words, trying to read the uncharacteristically intense emotions shining in your friend's blue eyes. "I- it was, sure, it was a lot of fun, Sayori..." You trail off awkwardly, stepping back a pace to escape the close proximity.
Sayori opens her mouth to say something else, but a gasp comes out first as her attention fixes on something behind you. "Can you buy me some pizza? Pleeeeaaaaseeeee? Pretty please?! I'm really hungry now!"
The moment is over with that, and you wince at her childish request. "Pizza sounds good," you relent, causing Sayori to squeal with excitement and rush off to the food stand. You're giving in a lot today, and you aren't sure why, honestly. It wasn't like this was more fun than staying home and watching your favorite shows, right? Although, you did enjoy Sayori's company. There was a reason she was your kind-of-best-friend after all.
Oh, well. You can think about it later. For now you might as well try to have a nice time while you were still here. You follow after your puppy-like friend, spotting her at one of the tables just outside of the food stand talking with someone sitting there. With a start, you recognize the violet long hair of your fellow clubmate, Yuri.
Approaching, you start to greet them, but Sayori interrupts you before you can. "Yeah, Y/N/'s here too!" She pointed at you brightly, and Yuri tenses up, looking up at you like a deer in the headlights, which confuses you. Yuri had seemed perfectly calm before now- sure, a little shy, but now she was the stuttering and nervous girl that you were most familiar with from the Literature Club.
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Yuri
You smile, giving a tiny wave. "Hey there, Yuri." Of all the people you might have expected to see here at the amusement park, Yuri was perhaps at the bottom of the list. You would have assumed she would be like you on a Saturday, preferring to stay at home. Except she would be reading novels or writing most likely, not watching anime or reading manga.
You're partly right, because on the table in front of Yuri is an open book instead of anything to eat. How she was able to focus with all the conversation of groups of people swarming around, you had no idea.
"Y/N," whined Sayori after Yuri just gave you a slight nod of greeting, "My pizzaaaaa, please?"
You laugh, waving her away. "I'm going, I'm going, hush! Yuri, did you want anything?" You offered politely.
Your clubmate seems to shrink in on herself, allowing her long dark hair to fall so that it hid her face from your view a bit. "Ah-! Uhm, that's okay, thank you, though." Sometimes you weren't sure how she could write just long and beautifully-worded poems when she seemed to struggle so much with the simplest of phrases spoken outloud.
You accept this and go to buy yourself and Sayori a slice of pizza each, and end up buying Yuri a sweet tea too just because, well, you would feel weird and rude to eat in front of someone else if they didn't have anything. You make your way back over to the table where Sayori is talking to Yuri, her arms flailing around in wild gestures, and you get the suspicion that she's telling Yuri all about the roller coaster ride. Quick to intervene, you set the tray with the food and drinks down on the table, leaning towards Sayori threateningly. "What exactly are you talking about?" You inquire sharply, eyes narrowed.
Sheepishly, Sayori swipes one of the plates with pizza on it to take a bite and shrug, using the food as an excuse not to reply.
Huffing, you distribute the stuff you bought between the three of you, turning to Yuri to protect your reputation. "For the record, I was totally not scared," you promised her.
Yuri is slightly more comfortable now, you think, and there's a tiny glimmer of faint amusement and sympathy in her violet eyes. "I believe you," she murmurs back, so quietly that you almost were unable to catch that. She blinks at the drink that you placed in front of her, apparently having to take a second to process what it meant. And then, completely the opposite of Sayori, her head snapped towards you and her gaze was now wide. "Oh-! You- thank you, Y/N, but- you really, didn't have to, go through the trouble...!"
You tuck into your meal, taking your time in replying while Sayori scarfs down her own food, curiously glancing between you and Yuri as if studying the interaction. "It's no worries," you say after a short while. "IÂ would've felt bad otherwise since me and Sayori have something." You turn your attention to the forgotten book in front of Yuri. "Sorry if we bothered you, by the way! We didn't mean to interrupt your reading or anything."
Sayori bobbed her head in an enthusiastic agreement since her mouth was full and she couldn't say anything.
Once again, you worried that you'd said the wrong thing because Yuri's reaction was much the same as the last time you'd said anything. "That's- that's okay, really! It wasn't, important, and I was..." She seems to give up, seeming helpless and frustrated with herself, only able to take a sip of her drink in defeat.
Sayori finished with her food, standing up abruptly. "Thanks, Y/N!" She chirps, apparently not effected by your and Yuri's awkwardness. "I'm gonna go check out some other stuff, so you should have fun with Yuri!"
Her words catch you off guard, and before you can react or suggest the three of you find something to do together, Sayori is already racing off somewhere, waving over her shoulder at the two of you. You watch as she slams into someone as she wasn't paying any attention to where she was going, and shake your head as she profusely apologizes to them. "Oh, Sayori," you sigh a little dramatically to Yuri. "What are we gonna do with her?"
The other girl bites her lip like she's trying to hold back a laugh. "It's nice that you look after her," she speaks up quietly.
"Ah- I mean, somebody has to, right?" You chuckle to yourself as you resume eating.
Yuri is fine with silence, which doesn't really surprise you. She opens her book back up and starts to read after a minute or two, and you're content too to just finish up your pizza and do some people-watching.
Eventually when you do finish, you throw away your trash and then rejoin Yuri, who's politely closing her book again and standing up as well. She's calmer now, as if reading and not having to engage in conversation for a little bit has recharged her, which you're happy for. "Uhm..." She begins timidly. "Would you like to walk around the park with me?"
You aren't used to Yuri initiating anything at all, and in the space of your bewilderment, she hurriedly continues, "It's okay if you'd rather not-! I only thought..it might be fun, but I understand if..." The last part is more of a mumble.
"Sure, Yuri, I'd love to!" You try to reassure her as smoothly and swiftly as you can in order to avoid hurting her feelings any further or even risking her fleeing. Yuri was such a sweet person, and you'd never want to say no to her and have to see her awfully sad expression, you reflect. "We can head...that way." You pick a random direction and start walking, Yuri following you meekly. She walks near you, but also just a step or two behind, and when you try to slow down so you guys can actually walk together, she stops altogether. Deciding you can't do anything about it for now, you continue the trek, absently looking around at the various stands, games, and rides as you pass them. "I wasn't expecting to run into you here, to be honest," you comment.
Yuri's silent for a beat, causing you to wonder if she was even going to say anything back to that. She finally does, thankfully. "Admittedly, this isn't the sort of place I might usually spend a weekend at." Her words are low and carefully-chosen as usual, like she's cursed to overthink even the barest minimum of small talk. "But my parents insisted I come here."
An amused smile quirks up your lips as you glance back at her. "So you brought a book instead of arguing with them?" You deduct. "Clever. I would've brought a manga or something, but Sayori was impatient to get here. She's always trying to drag me out my house and make me socialize. Take the Literature Club, for example."
Yuri gives you a tiny nod. "It's kind of them to care about us," she says. "I do sometimes wish they could understand me better, though."
"I get that," you agree. "Even if they're a pain sometimes, you love them anyway."
Yuri evidently agrees, but something causes her to stop walking. You pause too, going back to join her. Her attention is on an attraction nearby, a 'haunted house' sort of place. She doesn't look like she had any idea it was here, and you recognize interest and anticipation on her face, which makes you happy- you might be getting a little bit better at reading Yuri, the more time you spend with her.
She reluctantly focuses back on you, and you sense she's about to apologize and continue walking, so you speak before she gets the chance. "We can go check it out, if you want?"
Your clubmate lights up for a moment before wincing. "We don't have to, if you wouldn't like it," is her answer. It's honestly not annoying, mainly because Yuri makes indecisiveness, shyness, and doormat-ness look really, really cute.
"It might be fun," you laugh, guiding her across to the entrance. It looks pretty stereotypical, and you recall going to one of these kinds of places with Sayori one year for Halloween when you were much, much younger, probably like 11 or 12. The line isn't long at all, which is also a bonus. When you two are given the all clear to go inside, you and Yuri enter the narrow, dark hallway.
You're suddenly quite aware of how close Yuri is as you walk- instead of trailing behind, she's right at your side now, pressed up against you since there's not a ton of room in this corridor. She doesn't seem to notice, too enraptured (ha, maybe you were hanging around her too much) by the thrill of what scares might await them to pay you much mind.
Talk about making a girl feel self-conscious. Despite being around the same age, Yuri was so much more...mature than you, to put it politely. It was nice in a way too- you felt safer than if you were by yourself, at the very least, since she was taller than you and so close to you.
The haunted house wasn't too scary, like you had assumed. The actors were great though, and at some point one of them lunged out towards you from a secret passageway and it startled you so badly that you ended up leaping backwards and pressing back against Yuri, your eyes wide and your heart hammering so loudly you bet the violet-haired girl had no trouble hearing it.
You stared tensely at the 'monster', needing a moment to collect yourself and remember how to breathe again. It's Yuri that manages to bring you out of it, which is so sweet of her since you all but crashed into the poor girl. She wraps her arms around you in a very gently hug, resting her chin on your hair. Where did all that confidence come from, anyway? It may have been the really dim lighting, you think to yourself- you can hardly see each other, so that could've given Yuri some boldness. Either that or she was finally getting comfortable around you!
The actor slowly recedes away, and you stay perfectly still for a minute longer than necessary. Finally, you clear your throat, awkwardly disentangling yourself from Yuri, who hops away from you quickly too, and even in the near-pitch black you could swear that she's blushing like crazy as she tries to stammer out an apology.
You shake your head, smiling nervously even though she can't see it. "T-Thanks, Yuri."
Okay, so maybe you had lied a little bit about it being 'not too scary.'
That was the last of the real scares, and you gladly spring out into the sunlight of day again, stretching your arms over your head. You look back to see Yuri hovering back in the darkness of the haunted house- was she okay? You ask your thought outloud.
"Y-Yes! I'm sorry. I'm coming..." She grudgingly steps out to join you in the real world, and you realize with a sense of deep sadness that she's not meeting your gaze anymore again. Great, just when you finally thought you were starting to make some progress on being friends with her. "That was a nice time, thank you very much, Y/N-" Those next words are blurted out and spoken so fast you're shocked she doesn't stutter over them. And the next thing you know, she's gone, disappearing into the crowds and leaving you alone and more than a little disappointed and confused.
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Natsuki
You sigh to yourself as you wander around the amusement park, scanning around to see if anything piques your interest. You were also sort of hoping to see Sayori, considering she was responsible for dragging you here and now she'd ditched you, but you also wouldn't mind bumping into Yuri again to hang out. Something told you that Yuri had been pushed to her social interaction limit for the day though.
A loud, squeaky, angry, and oh-so-familiar voice causes you to head towards it and check out what's happening. As you thought, it's Natsuki, another of the girls in the Literature Club. She's standing at one of the game stands with her hands on her hips and leaning towards the guy running the game in an aggressive stance. You note that the game is one of those ones where you have to throw some darts at a balloon, and if you can pop one, you can get a prize. The prizes line the wall behind the man (more like disinterested teenage boy, but close enough), and they all are varying degrees of fluffy and cute stuffed animals. You never were a fan of amusement park games because they were more often than not rigged more than a claw machine.
You get a little closer so that you can hear better.
"...completely unfair! I hit that balloon, you and I both saw it!" Hisses Natsuki at the worker. It was too easy to compare her to a puffed up and angry kitten, you muse to yourself.
The boy shrugs. "Look, kid, if the balloon doesn't pop, then you don't get a prize. That's like, our only rule."
Fury flashes across Natsuki's face, and you resist the urge to laugh. Natsuki did look pretty young, but she was around your age, and probably this guy's age too. "Don't call me 'kid'!" She exclaims. "I won, fair and square! Just because it didn't-"
The argument was starting to draw in other bystanders, not just yourself. And you realize with a flicker of fear that you can see the worker reach for his walkie-talkie like he's going to call in security. Security on Natsuki, for god's sake. Ridiculous.
To prevent her from possibly being forcibly removed from the amusement park, you hurry over and place some money down on the game stand stable. "Can I try?" You interject. Even though you're not looking at Natsuki, you can feel her flinch away from you and sense her hostility and surprise at this new turn of events.
The boy running the stand regards you boredly, but you're relieved to see him put the walkie-talkie down. "Sure. That'll get you three tries."
Beside you, Natsuki scoffs. "As if you can hit one of them!" She grumbles. "It's not as easy as it looks." By how frustrated she was acting, you could guess that she'd been here the better part of the day attempting to win. But which prize did she have her eye on?
"Maybe not, but I can give it a shot," you say lightly. "Which one are we after?" You question her.
Natsuki glares at you fiercely, and you can see she's got a blush that matches her hair. Grudgingly, she points towards one of the bigger stuffed animals, a white bunny rabbit near the very top. "It's- it's not for me!" She informs you at once. "I wanted it for- for a friend. That's all."
'She's a terrible liar.' Nodding, you turn your attention to the man and tell him, "If I win, we get the bunny. Deal?"
"Means you've gotta shoot the purple balloon."
Of course, the purple balloon is at the very top of the wall of balloons. Fantastic. You don't have too much hope that you'll actually be able to pop it, especially when you see the kinds of darts he hands over to you. First of all, the tips are so blunt and dull that you can 100% believe that Natsuki did hit the balloon with one, but it wasn't nearly sharp enough to even hurt someone if they tested it against their skin. Second, the weight of it felt wildly uneven in the palm of your hand. The shape of the dart just wasn't sufficient enough to propel it through the air like it should have. This was precisely why you never would waste your time or money on this...but you couldn't exactly back out now, not with Natsuki's intense magenta eyes watching you like a hawk. If you didn't at least make an attempt, you'd never hear the end of it at the Literature Club, and it might cause you to lose what little respect Natsuki had for you. Which never seemed like a lot to begin with.
"C'mon, we've got a line now," sighed the worker, unimpressed with your examination of his faulty darts. It wasn't his fault they sucked, anyway. You were so focused on aiming your first dart that you didn't see the angry glance Natsuki cast at the boy.
You pulled back your arm and flung the dart at the balloon. It was pretty pitiful, you couldn't deny that. It sailed off away from the wall of balloons and landed outside of the game stand on the grass somehow.
Natsuki huffed a sigh, her arms crossed. But when the worker snorted and tried to hide his laughter, the little pinkette sprang closer like an affronted pomeranian. "It's not her fault these darts are total crap!" She snapped. You would never have expected in a million years for Natsuki of all people to jump to your defense and try to protect your honor.
She catches your wide-eyed gaze and then looks off to the side irritably. "Keep- keep your eyes to yourself," she growled under her breath.
You fortunately have the sense not to tease her about it. You have a better feel for how the darts travel through the air now, so you pick up the second one and aim again before sending it sailing. This time, it manages to hit the purple balloon target, but it simply bounces off the surface of it and clatters to the ground.
Natsuki opens her mouth to potentially blow up on the man, but you press a finger to your lips in a silent plea to ask her to be quiet. Now you have to take the brunt of her righteous fury in only a single expression, but she doesn't say a word.
One chance left.
You pick up your final dart, judging the distance from here to the balloon and considering the best angle to throw it. After a bit, you finally shoot your shot- and the resounding pop! catches you and all the bystanders by surprise.
What remains of the purple balloon flutters uselessly in the breeze. The worker still cares nothing for this, just goes to pluck the stuffed rabbit toy down from the prize wall.
You turn to beam at Natsuki, pleased with yourself. You've managed to surprise her, you can tell, and when you're handed your prize, you offer it out to Natsuki with a bright smile. "That was fun, huh?"
She stares at the bunny rabbit, still trying to process what had just happened. Slowly, as if she believed it's soft, fake fur was poisoned or something, she reached out to take it into her arms. Her face is growing more and more red by the second, and she buries it into the plush doll as if to hide herself or maybe try to regain her composure. Probably both.
The worker clears his throat loudly, indicating the two of you are still holding up the line, so you and Natsuki swiftly step to the side and start walking through the park. You're a little concerned she might trip over something or into someone since she's still hiding her face in the rabbit's fur and can't see where she's going, so you stick close to her in case she needs a hand to steady her. So much for 'letting her fall next time.'
When you can't handle the awkward silence any longer, you say, "Er, Natsuki...? Are you-"
She straightens up, cuddling the rabbit close to her. "It's fine!" She squeaks. "I- I mean- that was-" She's truly struggling here, and it makes you feel guilty. "You did okay," she manages to at last get out.
A twinge of unexpected hurt flashes through you. You'd privately been hoping that she would be impressed and grateful, but you guessed you shouldn't have ever thought those words might even be in Natsuki's vocabulary. "Oh..." You didn't mean for it to come out so forlorn, but you couldn't help it. "Yeah, thanks." You turn away from her, fighting back your disappointment. "I guess I'll see you at the club after school Monday, then-"
As you take the first step away, however, you feel Natsuki's hand dart out to grab your arm and force you to stop. "Wait!" Her voice is high-pitched with some frantic emotion you can't place a name to. "W-Wait, Y/N- I only meant that-" She huffs, stomping her shoe on the ground in obvious exasperation that you could only hope wasn't directed at you. "I-" God, it's a train wreck not just for her, but for you to witness too. "Thank you-!" The words have to be practically dragged out of her, so she tries again. "...Thank you."
You wait in confusion to see if there's anything else she's going to add, but when she doesn't, you tentatively reply, "Uhm...no problem-? I mean, you're always bringing cupcakes and stuff to share with everyone, so I just was hoping maybe I could try to return the favor and get you something." You pause. "I mean, get you something that you wanted to give to your friend." Best to try and fix any potential mistakes that could get you yelled at again.
Those words had some kind of effect on Natsuki, that was for sure, but you had no idea if it was a good kind or a bad kind. She's gazing up at you silently, seemingly frozen in place. Something snaps her back to reality, for she at last releases your arm, hugging the rabbit again like it could support her. "I guess...you can be really sweet sometimes instead of just a pain in the ass," she mumbles. You're about ready to be offended until Natsuki slowly holds out her bunny towards you, refusing to look at you. You're extremely befuddled and not sure what to expect when the soft nose of the plush bunny rabbit is touched gently against your cheek in a gesture that's very much like a feather-light kiss. "S-Stupid."
You feel like you're too paralyzed to respond in any kind of way, and besides, Natsuki's already brushing past you and stalking off, not giving you a moment to react anyway. You stand there for what feels like a long time after she's gone until it feels like you might have just imagined what happened there at the end.
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Monika
Your day at the amusement park was drawing to a close, and suffice to say, you were thoroughly exhausted by everything that had happened. You stop to rest at one of the benches that was sort of away from the throngs of people who were starting to leave the park to head home, so at least the crowds were thinning out. Sayori had insisted you guys come here today, since it was Saturday and all, but she'd ditched you what feels like forever ago, and then you'd run into all the other members of the Literature Club- well, almost all of the other members, that is.
You let your mind drift as you sat there, leaning back into the wooden white bench and staring up at the sky. The yellow light was starting to fade as the sun slowly began it's descent into the horizon line. The amusement park would be closing in maybe an hour or so, you think to yourself as you let your eyes drift shut. You should really go and try to find Sayori so you can walk home together with her...not that the streets weren't safe in the evening, but it was entirely possible your friend could get lost or distracted and end up wandering around town for hours when she should be home. But you were honestly worn out from hours of walking around and socializing...
Right when you've finally gotten comfortable enough that you think you're dozing off out of reality and into a well-deserved, dreamy nap, there's a voice from right beside you that scares you enough to make you jump and snap your eyes wide open.
"Hi, Y/N! Fancy meeting you here."
Aaand, now you'd come across all of your Literature Club members- sitting on the bench beside you with her hands folded neatly in her lap was Monika. You've never seen her in anything besides her school uniform before, but the casual white and mint-green floral spring dress matched both her signature white bow and her eyes nicely at the same time. You hadn't even heard her walk up or sit down, which was kind of odd, but not odd enough for you to really think anything of it.
"Ah- hi, Monika," you greet with a small smile, trying to relax and not look as out-of-sorts as you felt. You run a hand through your hair, exhaling quietly in what was almost a sigh. "Yeah, I wasn't planning on leaving the house today, to be honest," you say in faint amusement. "Sayori sort of dragged me here to hang out."
Monika tilts her head to one side with a pleasant smile in return to you. "I see." She glances around as if she's expecting to see Sayori racing towards the two of you and calling loudly, her arms up in the air to get both of your attentions. But you and Monika are mostly alone. "So you spent the day with her?" The question is casual, and you don't think much of it at all.
"Uhm, not the whole day. We spent a little time together before she ran off somewhere...I bumped into Yuri and Natsuki today too, actually. Oh, but I was sort of thinking I should go try and find Sayori so we could head home."
Monika's emerald green gaze flicks away from you as a breeze ruffles her hair and yours. She doesn't respond for a moment, but you see that her friendly smile has faded somewhat now- and she looks...it's hard to say. Monika looks- gosh, you wish you were half as smart and descriptive as Yuri sometimes- wistful? Was that the word? Contemplatively wistful? She speaks again and it rouses you out of your daze. "So you were just about to leave." The Literature Club president flashes you an apologetic glance before rising gracefully up from the bench. "I didn't mean to bother; I can see you're tired, Y/N. I should get going too."
She doesn't seem sad, not necessarily, but you get the sense that something is a little off. Maybe it's the time of day affecting her mood? It's that weird hour where the day is technically over, but not quite yet- and there's a regretful longing permeating the atmosphere, the only way you could describe it might be like the feeling a high school kid gets on a Sunday evening, in spite of the fact today was Saturday, meaning the weekend wasn't over yet.
You move to stand up as well, a little clumsier than Monika. "But- there's still a little while before the park closes. If there was anything you still wanted to do here, I could come with you, if that sounds alright? Unless you were really going to leave, that is. I'm not so tired that I'd miss hanging out with you- outside of school, I mean."
There's the slightest hint of hesitation, and you're unable to decipher Monika's feelings right now. If you were to guess, you might say she's conflicted. Just as you're positive she's going to politely decline, her warm smile returns. "That would be nice," she says, and you realize you've been holding your breath.
"Okay, cool!" You brighten up and begin to walk through the amusement park with Monika.
She has her hands clasped behind her back and she's looking around to admire the scenery around you both while you do your best not to stare like a weirdo at her. "So, uhm...were you wanting to go on a ride or...?" You ask after a little while of silence.
Monika hums, but you don't think she's actually considering your suggestion. "I wouldn't ask you to wear yourself out anymore. When I first saw you on the bench, I thought you might have been taking a nap." While her tone of voice is casual, you can't shake the sense that there's an undercurrent of something else in those words. Almost like she's accusing others of making you tired or something. You're probably just imagining it.
Briefly, you wonder why she joined you if she thought you were asleep.
As if reading your thoughts, your club president continues, "Sorry if I disturbed you, Y/N." She slows the pace while you assure her that it was okay and she had done no such thing, stopping eventually to gaze upwards.
You follow suit to see the Ferris wheel towering above your heads. "I haven't been up there today," you comment thoughtfully. "Is it a pretty view?"
Monika dips her head slightly in assent. "I think so, yeah. Coming?" She leads you over to the man who is seating people in each of the carts, and he warns that this is the last go-around. "We understand, thank you," Monika says to him, and while she's just as charming, you think you know her well enough now to tell that this is her feigned politeness, like her guard is up.
He grunts and allows the two of you in one of the carts, shutting the glass door behind you.
You actually aren't scared at all. Well, you guess you are a little apprehensive at being in this small space alone with Monika, but you tell yourself you're being ridiculous. She's your friend, isn't she? So there's not a thing in the world to be nervous about...
The cart starts to go up into the air, and you stay standing while Monika takes a seat. Your hands press against the glass as the two of you climb higher and higher. The city is there, with all it's buildings and roads, but beyond it is... you can't really see what's beyond the city, and this confuses you. Shouldn't there be...something? Instead of just, blurry darkness? You blink several times and then brush at your eyes with the back of one hand like your sight is trying to deceive you. But when you look again, you still see only the murky black of nothingness beyond your city.
Monika's voice so near to you gives you a start- you'd been so dumbfounded by the missing scenery that you hadn't heard her stand up and come closer to you. Instead of watching the outside world, you sense her eyes are fixed intently on you. "What do you think?"
It's almost a relief to tear your gaze away from the glass. Her expression is rather closed off but serious, and sort of searching yours. You wish, not for the first time, that Monika was less of a mystery to you.
How to respond? "It's- strange," you manage to say.
The brunette leans impossibly closer to you, alight with surprise and near-disbelief as she presses, "What do you mean strange, Y/N?"
Feeling awkward and pressured, you find yourself taking a step backwards from Monika to get some space between you two. 'She'll think I'm crazy if I say it looks like we're floating in the middle of nowhere-outer-space in the middle of like a black hole or something.' "J-Just that-" You can see something akin to desperation written on her now, like she's trying to silently plead with you to answer her question sincerely. You fumble on the words, unused to this sort of intensity. "Just that...the town- it looks- different from up here..." Each word is stiff and awkward, you're really an awful liar, maybe even as bad as Natsuki.
Fervid disappointment seems to shake Monika's entire being, and she pulls back away from you, looking outside of the Ferris wheel cart again and far off into the distance. She's starting to become composed again and when the cart makes it last lap around and comes to a slow halt at the bottom, she turns back to face you and she's her usual self again: friendly, sweet, and bright. "I understand. Thank you, Y/N." The door to the cart opens and Monika moves to step out, offering you her hand to help you out.
Your breathing feels a little labored, and it isn't until later that you realize you'd actually been afraid. Not of Monika, more of the fact that you'd never once seen her behave anything like that before. It left such an impression on you that you were positive you hadn't imagined it. You do end up accepting her hand though, and you wonder if she can feel it's slight tremble.
One thing you weren't sure if you had imagined was the weird end of the world thing surrounding your city. Maybe there was something wrong with you. But you couldn't really think about that now.
"I told you it was a pretty view," giggled Monika. "You seem surprised. Didn't believe me?" She teased gently.
"Oh-! Oh, no, it isn't that! Like I said, it just was, er... different than I expected, is all," you murmur, glancing away- Monika's still holding your hand, but you don't have the heart to pull it out of her grasp.
You don't end up having to make that choice, since she jumps away from you at the yell of your friend Sayori. You see her bounding over to the two of you, just barely managing to hit the brakes and skid to a halt before colliding with you. She does however manage to shower you with dust and pebbles, to which you just press a hand to your forehead to quell a headache.
"Y/N! There you are! I was looking all over the place for you!" Sayori exclaims. She then waves at Monika, as bubbly as ever even though she should've, theoretically, gotten rid of some of that excess energy at the amusement park today. "Hey, Monika! Thanks for looking after her," she laughed.
Monika nods, much to your indignation. "My pleasure, Sayori. I'd better head off, then. I'll see you both after school for the club Monday!" She walked away, waving her farewell for a moment.
You didn't realize you were watching her go until Sayori's hand flailed in front of your face to get your attention. "Hey, we are going home together, aren't we?" She insists. "Otherwise I wasted soooo much time trying to hunt you down, Y/N!"
"Right, right, sorry. Of course we're walking back together- I was looking for you too."
Sayori pouts a little. "Did you think I'd be on the Ferris wheel?"
You grin. "Did you just use sarcasm, Sayori?"
She shakes her head quickly to deny it. "No, never! But am I wrong?"
"Okay, so maybe I did agree to spend some time with Monika," you confess with a shrug, allowing Sayori to pull you away towards the amusement park exit.
Sayori frowns, an unusual look for her. But it isn't a sad frown- it's a concentrated one. She was studying you with determination. "Did something happen? You seem a little out of it!" Amused, she pokes your cheek. "Fess up, Y/N! Do you have a crush on our club president? You have to tell me if you do! We're best friends!"
Sheesh, as if Sayori could ever keep a secret. But she was completely off base with that guess. "No," you answer her calmly. "I guess I...had some kind of epiphany."
".....what's an epiphany?"
'Ohmygod.'
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A Wife for Thor Pt.15
Stressed
01/16/2021
Pairing: King!Thor x Reader     Word Count: 5,747
Warnings: angst, jealousy, anxiety, talks of pregnancy, conception troubles
A/N: Iâm sorry this came so late and that itâs taking me time to get these out. Iâm writing very slowly right now and I only have my brain to blame. Iâm finding it so hard to focus right now and Iâm not sure why. Iâve gotten away from my usual habit of writing when I wake up and before I go to sleep. Hopefully, Iâll get back to normal soon. I hope yâall like (hate?) this chapter! Things will start to get tough from here on out. I hope yâall will stick with me through it. xoxo
âWell, Iâve got to get back to my girls. Some of them have taken to sneaking out at night in an attempt to earn their wings. If I catch them, I get to make them do whatever I want and Iâm not going to lie, itâs the best part of my day.â
Hilde smiles at you, and you try to give her a returning social exchange with the same energy but your mind and eyes keep drifting back to the astronomer across the room currently chatting with Bruce and Tony animatedly about something scientific that you donât understand.
âAre you seriously stressing about her?â Hilde asks, exasperated with you already.
âNo,â you answer with your feathers obviously ruffled. âIâm not.â
Hilde clearly doesnât believe you as she skews her lips and tilts her head.
âIâm not!â
You say it too loudly and the trio on the other side of the table turn to look at you.
âNot what?â Tony asks, brow furrowed a little with curiosity.
âSheâs not tired,â Hilde covers. âHow about a tour from Her Majesty?â
âUh, yeah, I can give you all a tour of the palace. Itâs really big.â
âNo,â Tony shakes his head. âNo tour for me. As fun as following you around while you brag about how much bigger your house is than mine sounds, I just spent weeks in the trenches and Iâm going to try and get some sleep or Pepper will ground me and wonât let me come out and play. So, I think, good night?â
âRight. Of course, yeah. Estrid?â You call out to the two large open doors.
âYes, Your Majesty?â Estrid hurries into view, giving you a quick curtsy before standing with her hands at her front.
âCan you show Mr. Stark-â
âReally?â he asks, incredulous.
âSorry, habit,â you laugh nervously. âCan you show Tony to his room, please? And Bruce?â
âUh, yeah. Iâd love some sleep,â he nods, rubbing his chest with one hand in slow circles.
âAnd Bruce as well,â you nod to Estrid who gives you another curtsy.
They all begin to stand, shoving their chairs back in under the table and taking a last drink.
âAndâŠâ with odd trepidation, you look at your husbandâs very recent former lover and try not to feel too overwhelmed. âJane?â
âNo, actually I was hoping I could speak with you?â
She takes a step towards you, hands pulled to her front as she fidgets with the tips of her fingers for a second then drops them at her sides.
âOh, yeah. Sure. Thank you, Estrid. When youâve escorted the gentlemen to their rooms, come find me so that you can show Jane hers when sheâs ready.â
âVery good, Your Majesty,â Estrid nods, another curtsy before she turns to Bruce and Tony who now look nervous too as they give you and then Jane inquisitive looks. âThis way, gentlemen.â
As Estrid disappears into the hallway, Tony and Bruce follow slowly leaving you, Hilde, and Jane to stand awkwardly in the smaller of the two dining rooms in the palace.
âShould I stay?â Hilde wonders, inching a little closer to you and reaching out to grab your elbow.
âHm? No. Itâs okay. But if youâre going-?â
âYour Majesty,â Heimdallâs warm voice fills the space strangely washing over you with a soothing calm.
Something about Heimdall always makes you feel at ease and the night suddenly seems very bearable.
âHeimdall will be taking over your care until Thor returns, is that alright?â Hilde checks, sounding genuinely worried.
âWill I do, Your Majesty?â Heimdall asks, his voice a gentle teasing.
âOf course, Heimdall!â your huff of a laugh pulls from him a gentle chuckle and he moves around towards you to draw your hand up to his lips.
Itâs a genuine sign of respect and it warms your heart.
âAlright, well, Iâm off. I will see you tomorrow, Your Majesty. Jane.â Hilde gives her a nod and quickly slides from the room eager to catch her troops out of bed.
Heimdall makes his way towards Jane and as she turns to him, she smiles wide, âHeimdall, itâs so nice to see you again.â
âJane Foster,â he says her name in full though it doesnât sound as if heâs being formal.
In fact, they sound pretty close.
âIt has been quite a while.â They hug and your heart gives a strange uncertain clench. âHow are you?â
âIâm good, all things considered,â Jane says.
All things considered? What things considered?
âYes, wellâŠâ Heimdall leaves his words hanging there, full of meaning that you donât understand and suddenly the warmth his greeting had left you with is gone and in its place is a sense of intrusion.
Jane was the Queen they had all been expecting. Suddenly feeling dismal, you turn away from their reunion to fill up your fancy silver cup with wine and take a nice long drink.
Without turning back around to look at her because in the moment you canât really bear it, you address her and hope that your voice doesnât give you away.
âWhat was it that you wanted to speak to me about, Jane?â
Hopefully it has nothing to do with Thor or you might just lose your head a little. While a part of you would very much like to bury the hatchet and put everything that happened with her and Thor in the past behind you, in this moment, the last thing you want to do is talk about how she is or was the love of his life.
That you know, right?
This is all so fucked.
âI was actually just wondering if you had a space that I could set up my equipment? Somewhere with clear access to the sky is preferable, and lots of space? Iâll need to set up my equipment to show Thor--and yourself what Iâve been seeing the last few months.â
You can hear it in her voice that she added you as an afterthought. She came to show Thor. To see him?
You hate this sudden insecurity growing inside of you, this second guessing that didnât even exist until she walked into your home tonight.
Are you thinking too much? Is this wrong of you? Thor is your husband. He loves you. He says it every day. Several times a day because he knows you need to hear it. He physically shows you, also several times a day if he can. Just today, in the hallway downstairsâŠ
âYour Majesty?â Heimdall prompts, pulling you from your thoughts.
You dismiss his concern without acknowledging it because itâs in his all-seeing eyes. Instead, you focus on Jane.
âI have the perfect space. Itâs a bit of a walk. I mean, itâs still on palace grounds, just a bit further up the hill behind us. But itâs an observation tower Loki was having built probably for this exact reason.â
âPerfect,â she smiles, then moves to her chair to pick up a large brown bag you hadnât noticed sheâd brought in here with her. âAfter you?â
Heimdall follows behind the two of you and Jane follows a step behind as you lead her out of the palace back entrance which is hidden behind a smaller room behind the throne room.
The night is chilly and you wrap your arms around yourself and regret the shorter choice of dress.
Jane also seems to shiver for a moment but her own clothes are more tailored to the weather outside than yours is. Her shiver passes.
âDo you enjoy living here?â she asks.
For a moment you donât realize sheâs talking to you, then when no one else answers, you start and quickly clear your throat.
âYes, I do. I mean, itâs cold a lot. Iâll be glad when Summerâs here. Spring is also kind of on the chillier side.â
âYeah,â she smiles, as if sheâs been here often.
The silence after her affirmation grows tense and your heart begins to pound as your mind goes into a flurry of what she might have gotten up to here in New Asgard before youâd come into the picture.
Warmth suddenly envelops you and you turn to look at Heimdall as he places his dark cloak over your shoulders.
âThank you, Heimdall,â you gasp, reaching up to pull the cloak around yourself more tightly.
âOf course, Your Majesty,â Heimdall nods, âItâs my honor.â
The terrain suddenly grows more rugged and Heimdall is quick to offer you his arm as you adjust your steps to accommodate the rockier path.
You make a mental note to have this pathway fixed. Smoothed out and maybe even given a railing as it gets steeper.
The only thing you can hear is the sound of three pairs of feet trudging along shifting stone and dirt then a softer step as the hill evens out a bit more and becomes covered in grass.
When you donât have to look down at where youâre stepping anymore, you look up at the tower that looms ahead.
The base is made of heavy stone, each placed with precision and reinforced with steel supports. Wooden beams line each of the corners, decorated with carved images of what you can only assume are Asgardian moments in history.
When youâd come to see its progress at the beginning of its creation, youâd recognized the images of Thor and Odin in battle just above the beam that lines the doorway.
The rest of the tower is a mix of wood, stone, and iron. The aesthetic is very much like the palace, Asgardian curves and shapes fit into more modern Norse lines.
The three of you stop as you reach it and Heimdall hurries forward to throw the large door open.
As you step through, you see that the inside of the tower has not changed much since the last time you came to inspect it.
The bottom floor is a large empty room with only a fireplace against the back wall, exposed rafters up above before the height is cut short by the ceiling.
âWow,â Jane does sound impressed, âThis is great. Is there a-?â
âUpstairs,â you point towards the staircase to the right that rises up around the side of the room. âThereâs another room, smaller, but it has a lot of balcony space.â
âGreat! Thanks,â she sighs with relief as if she really didnât expect you to give her some space to work, then heads towards the staircase.
âUm, thereâs no furniture in here yet. Iâll have someone bring you some tables and chairs, is there anything more specific that you need?â
Jane stops at the foot of the stairs then turns to look at you and then the space of the bottom floor.
âWould it be possible to get a bed in here? Youâre right, and it is a long way from the palace. Iâm gonna be in here probably all the time soâŠ?â
You know that she isnât asking for the impossible or anything out of the question, but suddenly the idea of making this tower her little space has a whole other life playing out in your head.
A life where you had married Thor and he had been unable to give up Jane. A life of her living here at the palace with you in her own space where Thor can come and be with her in private away from prying eyes while still giving the appearance of being with you, his Queen in name only.
âYour Majesty?â Heimdall prompts you quietly, reaching out to touch your elbow again and pull you from the pain and panic youâre trying to hide.
You force a smile, a small shake of your head, âYes, of course. Sorry, Iâve had a busy day. Iâll have them bring you everything you need within the hour.â
âThank you. Once I have everything set up Iâll make sure to show you what Iâve found and then Thor can um, plan for what might come?â
âOf course,â you agree, eager to get the hell out of here and back to your room where you can fall apart in private. âNow, I hope youâll excuse my bad hosting skills, but I really am super tired and I think Iâm going to turn in a little early.â
âOh, yeah, sure! No problem at all,â Jane smiles, âThank you for all your help. And dinner! Dinner was so good. Thanks.â
âMy pleasure. Iâll let Cook know,â you nod, hoping that your smile isnât too tense for the moment. âGood night.â
âNight!â
Youâre almost grateful for the cold night air as it bites the skin of your cheeks. Anything is better than the stress you just felt in that tower.
You hear the heavy door of the tower close behind you, then Heimdallâs footsteps join your own though your heavy breathing is alone as he walks calmly beside you.
âAre you alright, Y/N?â Heimdall wonders, gentle and honestly concerned.
âIâm fine,â You lie.
âDoes having Jane Foster here bother you? There is no need for you to worry. I have seen Thor be with many women-â
âOh, my God,â and you canât help but huff a laugh. âNot helping, Heimdall.â
â-and I have never seen him be with anyone the way he is with you. Itâs more than just love. It's a partnership. Companionship. Itâs friendship. Trust. After their initial reconnection, Thorâs trust in Jane and their courtship dwindled and as you know, by the end, it was completely gone.â
âSo, what youâre saying is heâs so sure that I love him that he has no reason to worry?â
Which is true, you do and he has no reason to worry about you not loving him or falling for someone else at this point. You canât even imagine being with anyone the way youâve been with Thor.
âHeâs not afraid to lose me?â You hate giving into these thoughts.
Honestly though, talking about them to someone will help you sleep tonight. Maybe.
âYes,â Heimdall agrees. âAnd no. Even now, this very moment, all he can think of is you.â
You stop walking, stunned by his words because youâve never asked him to look for you. Youâve heard Thor ask him to see things before, to search, and Heimdall always has. It had never crossed your mind to do the same.
Then again, this is the first time you and Thor have been apart since before you were married.
âWhat-You can see him?â Heimdall looks down at your feet, focuses what must be his mental eyes, and then slowly nods.
âHeâs distressed at leaving you here alone, heâs finding it hard to focus on what Fandral is telling him and Fandral is growing more and more upset.â
You smile, completely absorbed by this information.
âDid he ever ask you to look for her? For Jane?â
Your words are quiet, hesitant, though your heart feels slightly more at ease by Heimdallâs reassurance.
âIn the very beginning of their courtship, just after he left Earth and the bifrost was destroyed. Their love was new then. It was short-lived. Then Thor came back to Earth and they were able to be together, for a time.
âBut their compatibility has always had its trials. After some time together, Thor was called back to the Universe and Jane had her own work to do. Their responsibilities have always pulled them apart and if Iâm honest, Thor is the more hopeless romantic between them.â
You think about all of the small things that Thor has done for you since you came back home. The flowers, the baths, surprise dinners, the small presents hidden under your pillow or in drawers he knows youâll get into. Heâs done a lot more to show you heâs thinking about you during the day than you have and you can understand what Heimdall is saying.
Youâre not so much a gift giver in love it seems, and instead give him all of the affection heâd seemed so starved for in the beginning.
âHer being here will not damage your marriage. Trust me.â Heimdall finishes.
You lead the walk again, moving slower but calmer after Heimdallâs reassurance.
âWill you come back up and check that Jane gets everything she needs? We really should have had the tower set up a long time ago.â
âAs soon as I am certain you are in your quarters safe, with a guard outside your door, yes. I can ensure that she has everything that she requires.â
For a few minutes you walk in silence, at ease. When you reach the back doors of the palace however and he holds the doors open for you, you turn to Heimdall and after a quick bite to your lip, âIs he still with Fandral?â
Heimdall smiles and nods, âFandral is yelling at him for not paying attention.â
Both of you laugh.
~~~~~~~~~~
Itâs so early when you wake. Itâs still dark outside and youâre almost sure that sunrise is still a few hours away.
Youâre exhausted. Eyes burning as you push yourself up and the night plays itself over.
So suddenly youâre anxious again, nerves making your fingertips tingle and your stomach do an uncomfortable flip as you turn over onto your back to look at Thorâs side of the bed.
Itâs undisturbed. Both pillows are still in their made up position.
He said heâd be back very late at night, early morning at the latest. Youâd been hoping for the former.
With a groan, you sit up, sliding slowly down to the end of the bed and the bench where Thor sits to put his boots on.
Youâre so groggy. The night was restless and youâve really only gotten about an hour of sleep. Two at the most.
Itâs stuffy in the room, the fire still burning and leaving you a little sticky from being huddled underneath a heavy blanket because youâd missed the weight of Thorâs arms all night.
The large glass doors across from you rattle from the wintry breeze outside, beckoning you forward for relief from this heat.
As you step on the floor, your body is rocked with a shiver that pushes you up onto your toes. As fancy as this palace is, youâll have to ask Thor if itâs possible to get some heated floors installed.
Moving as quickly as you can, you donât stop until youâre at the doors and then thrust them open and absolutely inhale the frigid late night air.
You scan the distant ocean as it spreads into the horizon, the sky it touches still an inky black with a breathtaking scattering of stars.
You can hear the Valkyrie below in their barracks and training grounds already working hard to get into shape. Hilde must have really caught them sneaking out.
Heimdall should be waiting close by. You really want to see if he has news about Thorâs schedule and if maybe heâs on his way home and just running late.
As you turn to walk back into the room, you freeze as your eyes scan the tower youâd set Jane up in.
From this angle you have a clear view of the balcony. Sheâs already set up her equipment. You didnât know that you could see this well into the tower.
Itâs all lit up like a beacon in the dark.
Itâs an unpleasant reminder that sheâs here and you make a mental note to keep the curtains drawn when you know sheâs up there. Which you realize that unfortunately, will probably mean all the time.
Sighing, you move towards the door but then freeze again as Thor moves from the balcony doorway towards a large telescope attached to what looks like heavily modified computers.
Heâs still in uniform, smiling. Behind him, Jane follows, arms wrapped around herself before she stops too close to Thor for your liking.
She rushes around him and looks through the eyepiece. You can see her talking away, mouth moving at the speed of light as she explains something to him, her hands flying around her as she talks, apparently the cold is forgotten.
She pulls away from the telescope as Thor chuckles then moves back inside out of sight as Thor sidles up to the eyepiece but doesnât touch it yet.
The telescope moves, clearly Jane adjusting it from inside where she must have set up her computer equipment.
Thor takes a step back then the telescope stops and Jane flutters back out onto the balcony and gestures for Thor to look through.
He does, Jane moves in beside him, saying something that must be a whisper if sheâs standing that close. He says something back.
The two of them having a pleasant conversation.
The clench in your chest feels choking.
Thor pulls back from the eyepiece and turns to look at her.
Heâs too far away for you to see his expression, too small. But their faces are so close and he doesnât pull away.
You sink back into your room, terrified to see something that will ruin the perfect bliss youâve been in these first three months of your marriage.
Not that it isnât already ruined. Youâve been a mess since Jane showed her face and now with what you just saw, how can you feel anything but lousy?
You donât do what you want to do. You donât slink back into bed and hide under the covers to wallow.
Instead you move to your closet and look for a dignified dress. Something that you can wear that will scream Queen of New Asgard but also be relaxed enough for you to work in.
You choose something with a simple cut. Long sleeves, a deep V in the front, with a loose flowing skirt but a tight bodice to match the equally tight sleeves. The color is an iridescent black that shimmers in teal and startling pink.
The color reminds you of the northern lights with a splash of the hazy pink in the orion nebula. Itâs beautiful and otherworldly, and it screams Queen of Asgard in casual formal.
With the dress you move back into the room and hang it on the small stand in front of the full length mirror by your vanity before grabbing some new underwear and moving into the bath.
You ignore the large tub you and Thor have spent hours upon hours in and quickly shower instead. You emerge fresh and clean, though not exactly refreshed.
Youâre stepping out of the shower when your bedroom doors open and you freeze, staring at them as they swing forward with your hands pressed to the top of your towel holding it shut.
Your heart drops when Estrid smiles prettily at you, turning around to close the doors as she greets you.
âGood morning, Your Majesty, did you sleep well?â She moves straight for your vanity to pull out the brush, pins, and makeup she usually uses on you in the morning.
Sheâs in here much earlier than normal and she canât have gotten that much sleep herself. Sheâs so attuned to you now that youâre worried for her but also grateful.
âGood morning, Estrid,â you reply, refusing to answer her question because sheâd only worry. âDid Ms. Foster get all of the things she needed in the tower?â
âYes, mâam. Heimdall made sure that she had everything she would need for her research before he retired to stand guard at your door.â
You have an endless stream of questions about Thor in your head, things you want to ask Estrid but you bite your tongue as Estrid helps you on with your dress then sits you down at your vanity to dry your hair and work on todayâs set of braids.
Time passes as she works. Time that feels like seconds to you as your mind works hard to try and reassure your heart that you have nothing to worry about, and yet, it still aches.
âYouâre very quiet this morning, Your Majesty,â she observes.
âYeah. I donât really feel like talking unless I have to.â
âVery well, Your Majesty,â she accepts, but then after a few minutes of silence. âAre you not feeling well? Shall I send for the doctor?â
âNo, Estrid. Iâm not sick. Iâm-shit, whatâs the date today?â
Reaching around, you look for your phone to check the date.
ââTis the fifteenth, Your Majesty,â Estrid informs you.
âDid you forget about me already?â A deep smooth voice slides in from your doorway and you turn in search of the comfort the tone gives you.
âDavid!â
On your feet and across the room, David greets you with open arms. A small firm hug is what he gives you before kissing the side of your head and then pushing you back to look at you.
His eyes linger on your stomach for a moment before he frowns playfully.
âNothing yet? I guess weâll find out today if weâre to expect anything in the next month.â
âNo pressure,â you reply sarcastically.
David chuckles, his fancy four piece navy suit a display of his busy nature. As much as he wants to visit, you know that heâs busier now with so many people wanting his services. The prestige of being the Queen of New Asgardâs lawyer has brought him a windfall.
Not that he needs it, but he appreciates the work.
âI did forget we had a testing today. Something happened yesterday.â
Your voice filters into a whisper at the end, though youâre not even aware of it.
David matches your energy, though he doesnât whisper, he recognizes your stress and concern saturates his entire person.
âWhatâs happened?â
âI-â You look towards Estrid, and sheâs so good that sheâs cleaning your vanity, ignoring your conversation as best she can, but still. âEstrid, were you finished with my hair?â
âYes, Your Majesty,â she turns to you and smiles. âWill you be needing anything else? Breakfast in the breakfast room?â
âAre you hungry, David?â
âNo, Iâm not. Thank you.â
âNo breakfast, Estrid. Thank you. When the doctor arrives, can you show him in?â
Estrid curtsies, and without another word, she leaves you and David in the room.
âYou look beautiful today, by the way,â David tells you as he moves towards the small table in the corner to sit but waits for you to reach your chair first to pull it out for you.
âThanks, I chose it very carefully,â you admit. âDoes it make me look like a real Queen?â
âYou are a real Queen,â David assures you, then cocks his head as he registers your stress again. âWhat happened last night?â
You sigh heavily, using your nails to pick at the woodgrain of the table, shoulders slouched a little as you deflate.
âJane showed up with Tony and Bruce,â you reveal, a shaky breath accompanying your desperate information.
âOh? At Thorâs invitation?â David wonders, which honestly sobers you up a little from your depression.
âNo. I donât think so. I mean, Tony and Bruce were supposed to come to install a security system for the palace and I guess maybe she just tagged along?â
âAnd you are upset that your husbandâs former lover has forced her way into your new home.â
Itâs not a question. David has always been very observant and he sucks for it. Jerk.
âWell...yeah. But thatâs not why-â
âSomething else happened?â
David leans towards you and places his hand over yours, a soft knowing look on your surrogate fatherâs face.
With a quick little sigh you tell him about your stress over not getting pregnant and the pressures from the ambassadors to do that before more time goes by to secure the ties between the Asgardians to Earth. You tell him about your worries about Jane that have died down a little since you and Thor got married but have never truly gone away. Lastly, you tell him about what you saw this morning and how youâd been expecting Thor to come directly to you when he got back but clearly thatâs not happening.
âMaybe Iâm being too sensitive? But I mean, itâs been what? An hour and a half since you got here and he still hasnât come to look for me?â
You reach over and rub your arm, the soft fabric of your dress pleasing but only in the back of your mind where youâre not thinking about Thor and Jane.
âIf that is how you feel, then that is how you feel. The important part now is talking to Thor about it. Couples lose out when they feel about something the way that they do and then keep it to themselves. Even Gods are not mind readers.â
David tilts his head, eyes looking across the room for a moment before he looks right back at you.
âAt least not to my knowledge.â
You almost smile, but the stress of talking to Thor about this is giving your anxiety a nice boost.
âWhat if I donât like what he says?â
âThen you donât like it. You cannot avoid the confrontation because you might not hear what you want to hear. That is not how a marriage, or any relationship works. In big moments like these, honesty I think is the best policy.â
Heâs right of course. You know he is. That doesnât mean you have to like it.
You close your eyes and try to see Thorâs handsome face smiling sweetly at you, just as he had yesterday before he left. Instead you see him smiling down at Jane next to that stupid telescope, him chuckling at whatever sheâs saying as she talks away about her work.
Two knocks to your door pull you from your stupid thoughts and drop your heart into the pit of your stomach, but Estrid peeks in to make sure that youâre okay to see her.
Suddenly, youâre dreading seeing Thor.
âCome in, Estrid.â
She moves in, behind her follows two doctors. One is a woman with a lovely heart shaped face and long full dark brown hair that compliments her olive skin. Sheâs wearing a sleek gray pantsuit, pink camisole underneath, and a thick black coat draped over her arm.
Her name is Amana Wilson and she has been your gynecologist since David gave you your inheritance and you were able to afford better healthcare.
The second doctor is an older man with a thick black beard streaked through with bits of gray. He glows an almost ethereal way. Clearly Asgardian. Your general caregiver since you moved to New Asgard, Doctor Alric Orvinson smiles eagerly, kindly, a pure excitement radiating off of him.
Heâs always so eager to put everything heâs learning into practice.
Doctor Wilson curtsies and Doctor Alric bows before they both greet you in unison.
âYour Majesty,â they say.
David waits until youâre standing before he stands too, but then he moves towards the doors.
âI think Iâll go have some of that breakfast you offered me,â he tells you then makes his way towards the large doors. âDoctors, I know you will give Her Majesty the best care you can offer?â
âOf course,â Doctor Wilson assures him and he leaves you with a quick wink of his eye.
âThank you, Estrid. Make sure David gets a proper meal? No pop tarts!â
âParty pooper!â David shouts back.
Estrid curtsies, âRight away, Your Majesty.â
She leaves you quickly with a chuckle in her throat at your exchange with David.
As the door closes, you take a step towards your doctors and slowly release a held breath.
âSo, what will it be today? Should I go strip orâŠ?â
âNo. Not today. Since we did a physical on you last time, we wonât worry about that during this visit,â Doctor Wilson assures you.
âToday, Doctor Wilson will be watching me take some blood and perform a pregnancy test to see if you are expecting our heir!â
Our heir?
New Asgard sees the future prince or princess to come as their own. Itâs not just your and Thorâs baby. This baby, if and when there is a baby, is an entire peopleâs baby.
You feel your anxiety rise again. Clenching your hands, you nod and force a smile as Doctor Alric moves towards you with a large metallic box that he places down and opens.
Inside comes a rush of cold air and what looks like medical equipment used to test blood. You donât know what itâs called and itâs super high tech. Nothing that youâve ever seen before.
Your two tests before had been sent to labs and then youâd received the results a few days later, if theyâre testing the blood here, does that mean faster results?
âSo, how long will I have to wait this time then? To know whether Iâm doing my job or not?â
Doctor Alric looks up at you with slight surprise and worry.
There must be something in your voice since he seems to realize what heâs said is putting pressure on you because he stands up straight and fixes his own suit jacket before speaking.
âYour Majesty,â he begins, but Doctor Wilson moves to stand beside you and places her hand on your shoulder.
âWithin the hour. This is Stark tech, so itâll be quick and accurate. Have you been stressing about getting pregnant?â Sheâs so much softer than Doctor Alric, but not because sheâs a woman.
She just knows you better.
âKinda hard not to with an entire planet waiting for it,â you admit. âDo you think that if-if itâs negative, should Thor and I stop trying so hard? Weâre trying daily. No breaks.â
âI think the stress more than the trying will probably make it harder but youâre both healthy. It will happen. If you are tired and you think the stress is too much, then take a break. It wonât do any harm if you lose a couple nights of sleeping with your husband.â
You feel a swell of relief for this human woman who knows just what to say. You give her a sly smirk.
âHave you seen my husband? Itâll hurt.â
She laughs a quick knowing chuckle, âTrust me, you donât gotta tell me how fine he is, Your Majesty.â
Both of you laugh a few seconds then you take the seat that Doctor Alric sets beside you and while you roll up your sleeve, he and Doctor Wilson fly off into medical jargon that you donât understand and consequently zone out into thoughts of Thor and why the fuck he still hasnât come to see you.
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I am not your enemy - Lance fanfiction part 17
This is finally chapter 17 ! I'm so sorry for the wait and hope you enjoy it !! Good summer to all of you đŽđ
Chapter 17 : Iâll personally take care of making him understand that you belong to me
- Ophelia !
I opened my eyes sharply.
Stretched out full length on the mattress, my back sticking unpleasantly to the fabric of my top, I stared at the black ceiling to come to my senses, my jerky breathing breaking the serene silence of the night.
What the hell was going on ?
My heart rate pounding wildly, I felt like I had run a marathon as my chest heaved with frenzy as the images of this incomprehensible dream circled in my head.
Spear.
It was him, I was sure. I had seen him, his face so young, evolving through different scenes from his past. Seeing him like that had confused me. Proud, playful, oblivious to his surroundings, he was a whole different person from the one I knew now. But ... I had also known him that way. Strange as it may sound, Lance had been my first support when I arrived at HQ. The rest of the story was unfortunately only inglorious.
Especially when I thought back to my buried feelings.
Except that this dream, was it really one ? The little girl had conjured up the deepest memories of the last of the dragons, but what did that mean ? And above all, why ?
My gaze was caught by something that seemed to escape my parted lips. My eyes widened, I watched in amazement as tiny ice crystals smeared the air around the edge of my mouth. When I realized what this implied, my breathing quickened again and very soon, I thought I recognized the light cold breath that the dragon had made me experience a few days earlier.
No, it wasnât possible.
I shouldn't be able to develop Lance's powers without his presence ... right ?
Straightening up on my bed, I was leaning on my right arm when a strange sensation took hold of me. Slowly lifting my sleeve over my shoulder, I was speechless when I saw the dragon's familiar icy welts as he let them roam my body. Except that for that, we had always needed a physical contact, it was the very reason which had made us discover this phenomenon.
Fascinated, I let my fingers run over the thin blue lines that cornered my skin. I had the strange sensation of feeling him brush against my arm.
My hand immediately tightened on my flesh when something came back to me.
That night, when I had been in his memories, if that had really been the case, Lance and I had brushed against each other in the Crystal Room. By the time our arms had made contact, I was sure the young man had reacted, seeming to be looking for me without actually being able to see me.
But how could he have felt me ââphysically if what I had seen were memories, moreover of which I wasnât a part ? Raising my arm to my face, I felt the adrenaline slow down. I had to leave these questions hanging.
At least until daybreak.
*
As soon as the sun shines, I got up to take a shower, hoping to chase away even a few moments the images of those dreams that had haunted me all the rest of the night. I finally didnât manage to fall asleep again and it was with more than deep circles that I headed for the shared showers.
As soon as I left my room, I was surprised to find a very early-morning Nevra who was also visibly leaving his den, his door being a few meters away from mine.
When he saw me, the vampire raised his eyebrows in surprise before giving me a slight mocking smile.
- I know one who didn't sleep very well.
Great. I rubbed a hand over my tired eyes, hoping to regain my composure.
- Not so much, indeed. Is it showing that much ?
- Well, not that you look less in shape than usual, that would be complicated, but you seem rather tired yes, he said to me without being able to hold back a laugh at my annoyed expression. But you still look very pretty, don't worry.
Already ready to give him a bloody answer, his last sentence stopped me in my tracks. Damn but what an idiot, why did I feel my cheeks blush ?
Locking my door, I remained resolutely turned towards the wooden door in order to hide my dismay.
- I see that I can count on you to reassure me, in any case, I say while feigning indifference.
I heard his laughter echo between us once again.
- You know I'm a trustworthy person.
Without realizing it, I began to smile in turn. I loved the rare moments in which he forgot his cold mask of the right arm of the Sparkling.
- By the way ... he began, his gaze suddenly fleeing, seeming to hesitate on how he was going to phrase the rest. Have you been better since the other night ? I worried a lot, I didn't understand what happened. EweleĂŻn only told me that she already knew about it and that she was monitoring your condition closely.
- Oh, yes ... I'm so sorry for what happened and I hope I didn't cause you too much trouble. But I think Iâve nothing left. I wanted to thank you for taking care of me, I don't know what ...
- Don't talk nonsense, he cut me off. Maybe I was stupid to you, but I certainly wasn't going to leave you like this.
Running a hand through his hair, I saw concern grow on his face, so often marble.
- And I don't want to sound intrusive, but you'll have to explain to me what happened. Iâve never seen anything like it happen.
His eye, similar in color to mine, observed me so intently that I couldn't bring myself to lie to him.
- Okay, I'll explain it to you, I whispered. Just give me a little time.
- Good, he smiles at me before recovering quickly. With all this, I was almost going to fail in my task. Huang Hua would like you to attend the next Sparkling meeting.
I stared at him for several seconds, not knowing how to react.
- Huang Hua wants to send me on a mission ?
His lips twitched slightly.
- I canât tell you more at the moment, but I donât hide from you that it doesnât enchant me very much considering what happened to you the last time we saw each other.
- NevraâŠ
I no longer knew on which foot to dance with him. Since our discussion, I had the impression that a lot of things had changed between us but I didnât know how to perceive them.
- The meeting will take place in an hour in the Council room, don't be late.
The vampire dismissed me without giving me time to answer anything.
Excited at the prospect of potentially taking part in a future mission, I showered in fourth gear, almost forgetting what had happened that night. But it was the lump in my stomach that I knocked on the front door that I had only borrowed a few times.
Opening the door cautiously, I entered the majestic room. I could not restrain my gaze from browsing the large tree which stood proudly between these walls, the immense window which overlooked the gardens of the HQ or the immense prostrate table in the center of the room. I hadnât often had the opportunity to enter here, but each time I was amazed by what was hiding there.
It was mind blowing.
It was only after my little inspection of the premises that I became aware of the people already here. Facing the large window, Huang Hua stood erect, arms crossed, staring into space. Her tanned skin bathed in natural light caught my gaze of admiration as her fine features turned to me as I reached the bottom of the stairs. Her warm gaze relaxed me immediately.
- Andraste, there you are ! she said to me with a smile of genuine astonishment. Unfortunately I haven't had the opportunity to see you lately, how are you ? Iâve been kept informed of your conditionâŠ
I stood stunned for a few seconds at the warmth and sincerity I could read in her at that moment. Since when hadn't I seen her like that ?
- It's going much better, thank you. If that's any reassurance, my back seems perfectly healed. Well, for now, I added with a wry laugh.
Until my wings decide once again to do what they want, I hear.
- You see me delighted, I hope we can discuss a little more calmly later, you and me.
Pointing me to the seats, she added :
- Please sit down.
Let my gaze slide over the people seated in front of the huge table. Surprisingly, I recognized Leiftan, Mathieu and Koori very close to me. I wasn't the only guest, which relieved me. I also like almost all of the Sparkling members.
All except two of them, who were visibly missing.
Pulling the first seat I could find, I settled myself between the kitsune and Chrome. The big wolf smile fills my whole field of vision.
- Hi Andraste! You're going to attend your first Sparkling reunion, I'm super happy, he said while pointing out his canines.
My smile widens automatically in the face of his good humor.
- Hi Chrome, I'm happy too ! But still a little stressed, I won't hide it from you.
- Don't worry, everything will be fine.
The large door opened again, letting in the two missing limbs. My heart raced even more when the two men sat down in front of me.
- Perfect. Lance, Nevra, we were just waiting for you to begin, Huang Hua announced. As you know, several strange phenomena have occurred in recent months, the barrier between Earth and Eldarya has never been thinner. Several people have reported to us the sudden appearance of a building in the middle of the lands of Genkaku.
Without understanding why, I felt Koori tense up at hearing that name.
- Andraste, Nevra told me about an important point.
The vampire spoke in turn.
- Seven years ago, you told me about very tall human buildings in which people lived or worked. Heum...
- Are you talking about buildings ? I stopped him. Are you saying that a building has appeared on Eldarya ?
I couldn't believe my ears, it wasn't possible. How could a building have landed here ? What if people were inside ?
Mathieu and I gave each other a horrified look. It really didn't bode well.
- Exactly, he concluded. Nothing like this has ever been reported between our two worlds but we have to make sure that itâs indeed a human building. That's why we would need Mathieu and you to go there. Obviously, youâll be accompanied by other members of the Guard.
Turning to the kitsune, Nevra added :
- Koori, weâll also need your presence. Youâre the only one here who knows the lands of Genkaku.
- Yes, I understand. You can count on me...
The face of the leader of the Sparkling clouded with a compassionate expression.
- I'm sorry to ask you this, I know it won't be easy for you, but we can only count on your presence to guide them in these lands.
- I know Huang Hua. Thereâs no problem, Iâll accompany you.
- As far as Tenjin is concerned, we'll have to be careful, Lance continued. Heâs bound to learn for our coming and we will probably not be welcome.
When the dragon spoke, everyone seemed to be listening to him with some form of respect. I was fascinated by the presence that saw him unconsciously.
It had been two days since the dragon and I had seen each other, the latter being too busy with the upcoming mission departure and his duties as Chief of the Guard. I hadn't had a chance to tell him about my dream, and actually didn't even know whether to tell him about it or not. Knowing him here made me nervous and hearing his voice made my stomach contract. The last time we saw each other was in his bedâŠ
Red rose to my cheeks once again when his gaze brushed mine. I couldn't tear myself away from him for several seconds.
- Lance is right, Tenjin is our main obstacle to getting to the kitsune lands of Genkaku, the vampire said. He's unstable and is very likely to come after us when he sees Koori. Thatâs why Iâm accompanying you as well. Itâs rare that we send multiple Guard Chiefs, but this missionâs likely to be more perilous than the usual ones.
Turning to the aengel in his turn, he added, his face suddenly darker :
- I hope we can count on you. You are an outstanding navigator and your abilities have been proven to us more than once. Finally, if you want to stop your « redemption ».
Leiftan clenched his teeth at this last remark, the tension was most palpable between the two men.
- Nevra, we already talked about this. If you have things to settle with Leiftan, itâll be within the framework of the private one, said Huang Hua.
- You can count on my presence, but Iâll not use my powers, itâs my only condition.
Nevra was about to reply when the fenghuang stopped him with a wave of her hand.
- Perfect, if everyone agrees, the team for this mission will therefore consist of Nevra, Lance, Koori, Mathieu, Leiftan and Andraste. An objection ?
- None, replied Huang Chu. I hope youâll come back with some new human study topics, that's all I'm asking.
When the meeting is over, the assembly leaves the room in turn. As I was about to climb the stairs to the exit, the delicate and warm hand of the ancient phoenix grabbed my wrist.
- Andraste, can I talk to you for a moment ?
I nodded while stopping my run.
- EweleĂŻn kept me informed of your physical and mental state. Do you feel like doing this mission ?
- I think so. To tell the truth, I start to circle around the HQ aimlessly. Itâll do me good to feel really useful and to change horizons, even though I know it won't be easy and even dangerous. Iâve practiced a lot and I manage to reuse my powers a bit, not like before, but they are there. Perhaps, in case of real necessity, they will manifest themselves normally. At least I hope so.
A soft smile lit up her face.
- Very well, I count on you to take care of you and to come back to us safe and sound. Unfortunately, Mathieu and you are the only people able to tell us more about this building, Iâve no choice but to send you there with your agreement, of course.
Plunging into her reassuring gaze, I had the fleeting impression of finding the Huang Hua that I knew.
- Thereâs nothing to worry about. Anyway, I'll be well surrounded, Iâve nothing to fear, I said with a smile.
As I closed the door to the Council Chamber behind me, I lost myself in thoughts of this last exchange. Huang Hua confused me without knowing why. Lifting my head, I fell on Lance who seemed to have been waiting for me. With his arms crossed, he pulled himself away from the wall he was leaning against to walk slowly towards me.
- You're not going to be able to get to Genkaku like that.
Puzzled, I raised an eyebrow.
- Can you light my lantern ?
As he approached dangerously, my whole body tensed in anticipation of what he planned to do. I was no longer in control of myself in his presence and that irritated me.
Unexpectedly, he grabbed my arm firmly and turned me around to rest my back against his chest. His lips caressed my ear in his deep voice.
- You are not sufficiently trained in combat and you are far too pretty for Tenjin not to try to keep you to himself. I donât like it.
- And how do you plan to fix it ? I questioned him, my breath suddenly more choppy.
- Since I can't force you to stay at the HQ, I think I'll have to train you for combat. I'm going to be pretty busy, but I'll find time for your training.
Slowly letting go of my arm, he added :
- For the rest, Iâll personally take care of making him understand that you belong to me.
(Chapter 18)
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Dreams of Iris - Chapter 1
chapter 1 - sealed with a kiss
series masterlist
spencer reid x fem!reader
series overview: when introduced by penelope, reader and spencer take on a sexual bdsm relationship. secrets are discovered as time goes by. what happens when they both try to discover who the other is within themselves?
series warnings: bdsm themes, smut (rough sex, penetrative sex, spitting, choking, cum play, fingering, oral (male and female receiving), bondage, overstimulation, edging, grinding, thigh riding, handjob, aftercare), talk about/illuding to previous abusive relationship, angst, crying. this series is 18+
chapter summary: when spencer and reader are at penelopeâs birthday party, their paths cross, and theyâre able to get to know each other.
chapter warnings: mostly fluff, mild sexual innuendoes
A/N: hi!! iâve been pretty mia the past few days, i know. iâm sorry for the constant breaks iâve been having. my mental and physical health has been slowly declining over the past month but weâre finally getting back uphill! iâve been thinking about making this series for a while now, but never truly started it. i hope you enjoy this and the future chapters!
âiâm so sorry iâm late, pen,â you rushed out with a smile. âafter i played with him, my dog wouldnât come back inside.â
âoh, gosh itâs alright!â she assured you with a wave as if she were actively brushing it away. âanything for charlie.â
âheâs a handful, alright,â you laughed once more as you entered her apartment.
the place was decked out with color, and you expected nothing less from the dazzling woman. there were neon balloons, a few streamers, and you could see the cake she placed on the counter.
âso whereâs the fiancĂ©?â you gently nudged her shoulder.
âheâs somewhere in the kitchen making small talk,â she rolled her eyes. âeven though i told him to refill the punch bowl!â she directed her gaze to where luke was talking to emily in the kitchen.
âpoor guy,â you winced as he looked towards penelope, surely remembering what she had asked of him before he jumped into action and opened the fridge door.
âsorry, princess,â he chuckled as he walked towards penelope after refilling the bowl, placing a chaste peck on her cheek.
âwhat happened to queen, huh?â she chuckled while trying to keep a straight face on, pretending to scold the man.
âoh, youâre right,â he sighed. âyouâll always be my queen - mainly of ice, but i digress,â he laughed before turning his attention towards you. âhey, y/n. itâs so good to see you again,â he reached for a hug which you gladly embraced.
âyou too, man,â you smiled before releasing him from your grasp. âhowâs the almost-married life treating you?â
âitâs going amazing with this one,â the couple looked at each other with the epitome of heart eyes.
âheâs so cheesy, i know,â penny grinned with a fake scoff thrown his way.
you could only hope to find a love so enchanting one day. a love that stole your heart and mind all the while allowing you to grow as your own person with them. a love that would emphasize all the best qualities you had and helped you find your best self.
âitâs mostly just the team here, so if youâd like i could introduce you to the ones you donât already know?â
âthatâd be great, actually!â you nodded as she looped your arm into hers, beginning to lead you around the place.
âso youâve met emily and jj, right?â
âyea, at karaoke night,â you clarified as you waved at the two of them in the kitchen where luke was once talking. âand i met rossi at one of his book signings.â
âright! i forgot you read those books,â she bit her lower lip. âtara? matt?â
âtara i also met at karaoke night, she can get pretty wild. iâm pretty sure matt was with his family that time, though,â you informed her as she approached matt and his wife, the two being very attractive.
âmatt, kristy, this is y/n y/l/n, one of my best friends,â she kindly introduced you, placing a hand on your back as you smiled at the couple.
âhi, y/n,â matt extended his hand to shake. âitâs so nice to finally meet you.â
âyou as well,â you replied. âiâve heard only great things about penâs team.â
âthis one included?â kristy joked as she nudged her husband. âiâm kidding, heâs truly great. itâs so nice to meet you,â she shook your hand as well.
âalright, we have one more stop to make,â penny whispered in your ear before taking your arm in hers once more and guiding you to where spencer, as sheâs shown you in pictures, was sitting on the couch.
heâs much more beautiful in person. the photos didnât seem to do him justice, especially that jawline of his.
âspencer, this is y/n y/l/n,â he looked up from his book to greet you, his eyes going wide before he cleared his throat.
âum⊠hi, y/n,â he smiled. âiâm doctor rei-spencer reid, but you can call me spencer or reid or whatever youâd prefer, really,â he stumbled out.
âhi, spencer,â you nodded, extending your hand to shake. âyou can call me y/n,â you joked, a soft laugh leaving the both of you as your eye contact continued.
âokay, so i believe youâve now met the full team!â penny interrupted, giving you a pat on the back before having you sit beside spencer.
âsoâŠâ you trailed on after pen walked away. âiâm assuming itâs phd and not md.â
âoh, yes,â he laughed as he closed the book, home turning his body to face you. âi have three phdâs.â
âpen did say you were the genius of the team,â you nudged his shoulder gently.
âi uhm-garcia tends to brag a bit on her friends,â he humbly explained, trying to bite back the persistent grin.
âoh come on,â you egged him on. âitâs alright to admit when youâre above average. i mean, 3 phds? she told me how you can read like a billion words a minute and have an eidetic memory.â
âi-i mean⊠in a way thatâs all true,â he blushed. âi can only read 20,000 words a minute.â
âyou say that as if itâs still not incredibly impressive, doctor,â you compliment him, chuckling as you place your hands in your lap and begin to twiddle them.
âthank you, y/n,â he placed his hand atop your fidgeting ones, forcing your attention into himself. âso,â he cleared his throat, âpenelope says that you own a bookstore?â
âi do,â you nodded. âitâs a bit quaint and homely, which is how i wanted it. i like the comfortability that comes with the place. people have told me the ambiance is soothing.â
âseems pretty accomplished,â he added. âi suppose iâll have to stop by sometime, check it out.â
âi suppose you will,â you smiled.
there was just something that drew you to him. perhaps it was his smile, or his curly hair. or maybe it was the way he was so welcoming and comforting. the energy he gave off while simply sitting on a couch was able to calm your nerves.
it was gentle, warm, and tender. you could tell heâd been through a lot - and not just because pen had told you heâd been through a lot. the way he presented himself made it seem as though he took every day as a blessing. he made sure to make the most of every day he was given and to take chances.
and maybe heâd take a chance with you.
he, in fact, did stop by your bookstore the next day. you saw him enter on the cameras you had set up, and it was quite odd knowing he wasnât aware of your presence.
he began by browsing the nonfiction section, eyeing some old historical books before moving to the âowner recommendationâ section. he pulled a couple of books from the shelf, smiling as he admired the cover. it was clear he recognized each one he pulled, as if he was the one who made the shelf in the first place.
eventually, he made his way to the front desk. he looked a bit⊠disappointed when he saw that you werenât the one at the front desk. you chuckled to yourself before opening the door from your office, making your way to greet spencer yourself.
âhey, stranger,â you tapped his shoulder, hiding your hands behind your back immediately after with a sly grin.
ây/n! hi,â he smiled, the disappointment no longer comprehensible on his face as he embraced you in a hug. âi was hoping iâd run into you.â
âwere you, now?â you pulled back from his arms and bit your lower lip.
âum-yea-yes. i was,â he nodded, sticking firm with his answer. âi wanted to get to know you more? i really enjoyed talking to you the other day and thought that maybe we could finish our conversation?â he raised his eyebrows, waiting for the other ball to drop.
âi would like that,â you nodded before glancing at your employee who gave you raised brows himself, two thumbs up displayed as he mouthed âheâs hotâ behind his back. you stifled a laugh and rolled your eyes before adding, âwould you want to grab a cup of coffee? i actually have a room in the back that has all the fixinâs.â
âi think i would like that very much,â he agreed before you grabbed his hand, leading him to your office.
âhave a seat,â you motioned to the couch as you made your way to the coffee station. âhow do you take it?â
he bit his lip at the innuendo before answering , âsweet.â
âseems fitting,â you sighed as you placed a pod in the keurig.
you placed a couple pumps of vanilla syrup in both of the cups along with two scoops of sugar in one, only one in the other. you took one mug and put it under the stream, letting the hot liquid flow into the cup before stirring it and handing the mug to spencer, doing the same thing for your own.
âthank you,â he muttered before taking a cautious sip of the coffee. âyou didnât mention how successful your bookstore is.â
you shrugged, âi didnât think that was really important. i mean, what really deems something as successful?â
âthatâs a good way of looking at it,â he added as you took a seat beside him on the couch. âdid i interrupt something when i came?â he furrowed his brows.
âno, no need to worry,â you placed a calming hand on his forearm. ânothing that i canât do later. itâs just bills and everything.â
âright,â he smiled. âhave you always wanted to open a bookstore?â
âwell, i always wanted to be self employed so i guess? i just wanted to make sure i was secure since i was a little girl,â you revealed. âmy dad was always out of work and my mom had to stay home to take care of us. stability was something our lives always lacked, so i knew it was a main priority for me when i would grow up.â
you didnât expect to reveal so much of your past so soon. a part of you was ashamed of it and tried your best to keep it hidden. but you could tell that spencer would never judge you for your past like other people have.
âand you accomplished that,â the accolade made you blush, or maybe it was the way his free hand made its way to your thigh.
âso,â you sighed. âdid you always want to join the bau?â
âno, not really,â he chuckled, his thumb beginning to rub circles on your skin. âwhen i was little i wanted to be a cowboy, but before that a magician.â
âa magician?â you giggled at the thought.
spencer in a black cape, you at his side in a sparkly purple leotard, clinging to his arm with a wide smile.
âyea! i know a bit of sleight of hand,â he added.
âi wanna see!â your eyes lit up, all wonder entering them in the most innocent, beautiful way spencer had ever seen.
âalright,â he sighed as he looked around the room. âsee my hands?â you nodded eagerly. âcompletely empty, right?â you nodded once more as you bit your lip. âso⊠how did i doâŠâ you looked at him quizzically for a brief moment, âthis?!â he reached behind you and picked out a single red rose from your hair.
you reached your hand out as he presented the rose to you, placing it in your hands. you looked at the flower with admiration, as if he had just handed you the world. he hugged your hands with his own, bringing them to his lips to place the softest kiss to them. his lips felt like clouds on your skin, and you could only imagine what they would feel like elsewhere, traveling down your body and exploring your own mouth.
âthat was so cool!â you decided to say, rather than displaying your own internal monologue so soon.
âthank you, thank you,â he blushed as he waved to a faux crowd. âiâll be here as long as the owner wants me to be.â
forever, you thought.
âcan you teach me?!â you asked, now sitting on your feet and nearly launching yourself on top of the poor man.
âa magician never reveals his secrets,â he rose his hands in defense.
âi want to know all of your secrets,â you said in a low, innocent voice.
âall in due time, angel,â he compromised. âall in due time.â
you shivered at the nickname, partially wondering where he had gotten it from all the while hoping heâd call you it again.
âpromise?â you were now a mere inches away from the man, your thighs touching as his hand wrapped around one of them.
âpromise,â he whispered as you closed the gap, he pressed his lips to yours softly, not wanting to go too far so soon.
the kiss was a seal to the promise he had made. one day, heâd let his guard down for you. one day, heâd let you knock his walls down. one day, heâd be rescued by his princess from the tall tower he had built to protect himself. one day, he would let you see how he was both the victim, and the monster.
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