#also i’ve been chainsmoking but we know that

[bibleofficial]

i hate not being able to unpack like i NEED to get into a mf let agreement ASAP 😭😭

[demelza00]

Dark Days

Suguru Geto & Gn!Reader

Contains: some comfort, Geto is having a really bad day, no actual romance, kind of really angsty ??

You can't really comfort him, so you're just there for him when he needs it </3

I'm not dead yall! Even though it's been like a year yikes. Just wrote this and realized I actually really like it?? Mostly self-indulgent I love making characters sad. ALSO I might make this a series?? Get the other characters involved?? If yall wanna see that lmk!

-This is after the Star Plasma Vessel Arc, Geto has not gone rouge, they're ~17

Word count: 637

POV: 1st person

-

I carefully knock on Geto’s door, but I don’t hear anything. He has to be here.. I try the door, and it’s unlocked, so I open it and lean my head in. For a moment I don’t see him, but then I recognize the bumps in his unmade bed. I quietly step in and close the door behind me. He barely opens his eyes to look at me from under his blankets.

I don’t say anything- frankly I don’t know what to say. I walk over slowly, wanting to give him time to tell me to leave. He doesn’t. When I’m beside his bed, he moves a bit, and his tired eyes watch me as his hand comes out from under the blankets, held open. I kneel down beside his bed and hold his hand.

He sighs quietly, his eyes closing again. We sit in silence for what’s probably a few minutes. He squeezes my hand. His eyes open again. He slowly pulls my arm toward him. I stand up and carefully sit on his bed, beside where he’s laying down, and he moves his head to be in my lap.

Cautiously, I move my hand to his head, then run my fingers through the top of his hair. It looks like a tangled, unwashed mess, and that scares me. I’ve seen him sick, I’ve seen him burnt out, but I’ve never seen him not take care of his hair. After about a minute, he’s asleep.

-

Geto’s eyes open, and I look down at him. He doesn’t look like he’s feeling any better. But I really don’t blame him for that. He hasn’t felt right since everything with the Star Plasma Vessel. Riko. He looks up at me, his expression not changing. I don’t say anything still.

He opens his mouth to say something, then cringes and tries to clear his throat. I reach over and grab his water bottle, and he pushes himself to sit up, and takes it. He drinks some water, then seems to be able to clear his throat properly. His arms are shaky as he tries to set the water bottle back on his nightstand.

I gently take it and set it there for him. He looks at me for a moment, and I swear I see small tears pooling. He closes his eyes. After a few seconds, he looks at me again. “Thank you,” he mumbles. “Anything for you,” I say quietly. He takes a deep breath, and lays back down, this time not on my lap.

He stares at the ceiling, and I watch him. I don’t know if he’s ready to try to feel better yet. Eventually, I stare at the wall instead.

-

Geto’s head turns, and I look down at him. “You’re still here?” he asks quietly. I nod. “Why?” he asks, still quiet. “You’re going through something. I don’t like going through things alone. I won’t let you deal with this alone either,” I say quietly. He stares at me for a few more seconds, then looks back at the ceiling.

“I don’t wanna do this anymore,” he says. I don’t say anything. I know he hates this- all of this. Curses. Ingesting curses, the physical manifestation of the worst of humanity. Watching people die. Watching friends die. Being able to do near nothing about it.

Being told to get over it.

This is your life as a sorcerer.

It doesn’t get better, you get used to it. We all hate it. Some of us deal with it better. Some of us deal with it differently. But we all hate it. That much is true. That much is seen in Shoko chainsmoking at 17. That much is seen in Gojo refusing to ever be weak, even with us. That much is seen in Geto’s episodes of.. this.

-

-

I hope you guys liked it!! If you want a continuation I will totally make one, feel free to leave some suggestions!! Requests are open as well <3 Likes & reblogs appreciated love yall

[obsessedwithbooksandmusic]

Paris

Soo I have decided I’m going to be posting a song every Sunday, maybe not every week depending whether I have songs to post but yeah. Also I have been considering singing my songs but I’m slightly insecure about my voice even though I really want to so maybe you’ll see this sung??

Ok, so this is called Paris, and no it’s not Fairstairs it’s Thomastair (the other Carstairs 😯). The inspiration for this was their relationship obviously, but why it’s called Paris is because Taylor Swift, Sabrina Carpenter and The Chainsmokers all have a song called Paris, all of which I love and it became my aim to make my own… which I very obviously did. Now: I will be making a part 2 to this or I will completely edit the song so that it has some thing the same but everything else different after COT comes out and I’ve read it. I’m gonna be doing the same thing for the Herondaisy song I’ve written and will be posting either next Sunday or a bit earlier because of the COT release. I genuinely love this and the Kit and Ty song so much so I hope you guys like it the same amount too! Now here I present Paris based of Thomastair written by me:

You were never the best Never could seem to let us rest But I could always see Behind the lies everyone believed

People thought you were wicked That wasn’t real, was it?

Can we go back to Paris? The fairytale magic That uncovered the truth Can we turn back time? I changed my mind When I saw the real you

Even if they didn’t know That was all for show I could always tell Maybe that was why I fell

I thought you were the enemy But you are my destiny

Can we go back to Paris? The fairytale magic That uncovered the truth Can we turn back time? I changed my mind When I saw the real you

We finally got to talk And took a bitter walk Down memory lane Nothing was the same

We finally had each other Not as friends, but as lovers

Can we go back to Paris? The fairytale magic That uncovered the truth Can we turn back time? I changed my mind When I saw the real you

But why do you want this to end? Just because of my goddamn friends It has barely begun Don’t you see that your the one For me? All the shit’s in the past But this could last Just give this a chance Please

Can we go back to Paris? The fairytale magic That uncovered the truth Can we turn back time? I changed my mind When I saw the real you

Uhhh yeah so that’s that! (Edit: i realised it posted in a really weird format so I tried to fix it but if it‘s slightly annoying sorry) I really appreciate it if anyone reposts or likes this so thank you :D Hope you liked it, if you wanna be added to the taglist reblog or comment, have a great day!

Taglist <3

@tys-kitty (I DID IT I POSTED IT) @ily-beyond-measure-carstairs @rabass @xxsunset-seasonxx

[undergroundarling]

Part of April, May, June, July and August: A summary of getting high on life.

I’ve been meaning to write nonstop about everything, but for one reason or the other I couldn’t get past any of the simplistic thoughts I created on the daily. My muse drives on failure, or the negative feelings I often stumble upon. I always come back when misery runs me over and leaves me gasping for air over the concrete. It would be disingenuous to paint my life as this constant pain and struggle to find a scrap of happiness. In May and June I felt the most alive I have ever felt, my body fueled by joy and the adrenaline I’ve been craving my entire life. I was floating through life, gravity didn’t apply to me, I wasn’t like the rest of the mortals, my feet couldn’t touch the floor, my body was as light as a feather and my dancing hair exuded floral smell day and night. I became gentle, my words, touch and gaze were as soft as a bed made of daisy petals. I was full of tenderness, couldn’t get any higher. I was constantly running from one place to the other: bus, train, subway, work, subway, workshop, train, home and repeat. I was in love with the turbulence of my little dreamy life.

From April to June I was attending a filmmaking workshop, met tons of talented people, the best teachers I ever had, got to be part of the creative process of multiple short films. I acted in a few, helped with the clapperboard in others, assisted and wrote some improvised dialogues and finally saw myself on a screen for the first time. Made incredible friends with whom I was able to have conversations, I only had with myself and my reflection. I also connected with others in a more superficial way but still important. Everyone was so passionate it made my soul vibrate to the rhythm of the cadence of their words falling from their lips. I didn't take long to realized I had found my people.

In one of the short films I played a deranged character, someone who gets crazy over a carpet and makes a full blown scandal. Very on brand if you know me. In another one I played a chainsmoker late teen who breaks a boy’s heart while wearing a vintage leather jacket with a shirt of The Smiths. At the end of the workshop I got to play a little role in another short film. I danced around with extras and then said one line. It was the best one we made. Everything was perfect to my eyes, from the lights to the camera’s movement to all the kids acting and setting the beautiful tone. At that exact moment I knew I wanted to feel like that for the rest of my life. I reassured myself “this is my path and I shall not derail from it.”

That day I met someone and developed an innocent crush, I don’t have much to say about it. Hang in there, there's a chance I'll become delusional or maybe this is my first time falling in love. Either way it will be interesting. (October’s correction: nothing happened and I think I’m no longer interested)

In the midst of it, more precisely in May I found a job after months of searching, I became a salesman for Chevrolet, it wasn’t what I wanted or even something I would enjoy but it was better than nothing. In the beginning I tried to avoid the obvious conflict of interests this job had on me. On one hand I had a book on the climate crisis and on the other I had a speech designed to convince people to keep on burning oil. I decided to play the part and do as I was told, to not rationalize it that much and take the money I needed. Turns out I’m great at convincing people to buy a car. Who would have thought? Not me or anyone who knows me. Everything was perfect, I was good at my job and the workshop was beyond everything I ever expected. 

It was in July, when sickness came around to remind me how much of a human I am. Days in bed flying in fever were the sign life was turning on me. The workshop had ended, there was nothing to be excited about, and now my body was suffering the withdrawal of the adrenaline creativity carries with it. I couldn’t sustain that elevated state and I fell to the ground, my hair didn’t smell like flowers and couldn’t dance with the wind, it was a brown mess, my body felt stiff and heavy as a piece of marble, and my words, touch and gaze went back to their furious state. I went through life raising fire in my surroundings , fighting, screaming and hysterically crying. It was then, when everything was painted red, that I remembered I used to have convictions and principles I was actively betraying everyday by going to work for a multinational that profits from the destruction of the planet and the end of humanity. I was part of the problem that not so long ago I was so passionately talking and warning people about. 

There was nothing able to calm me, my bed felt like it was made of thorns and my brain didn’t have a night of decent rest. Each night when the moonlight shined in my face I wondered: “Am I heading to eternal destruction?” I emphasize on the concept of eternal, because I can only hurt myself so much while still alive, but I can perpetuate the hurting with these words I’m writing beyond my last heartbeat. Will my soul keep on being torture every time someone reads the past and paints me in their head as this crying kid? I hope not. Either way July was the cruelest month. 

Now it’s the end of August and the workshop began again. I’m trying to reconnect to the original feeling without frustrating myself. I also shot a music video of someone I met while shooting one of the short films I mentioned before. He looks and sounds like a character that escaped the pits of my mind. I hope he can stick around and become part of my life. On a personal level I’m transitioning from cynical to delicate, I'm caressing the edges of my personality until they become softer to the touch. I'm filtering my words and choosing peace even in the cadence of my speech. I’m becoming more rational and patient with myself and surroundings, turning my back to envy and fury. I still cry, but not out of rage, rather sadness and logical frustration. I cried in front of others for the first time in a long time, it wasn’t humiliating, I felt validated and supported. I hope by the time we arrive in September spring also flourishes inside of me.

[selfieignite]

I am almost done watching and I cannot tell you how much I loved every second of it. The dynamic is so perfect. It’s such a bummer this got cancelled ): truly a waste of potential. Im thankful to you showing up on my dash regardless. Would you happen to know why it got cut short? I have an inkling it might have to do with racism

Yay! It makes me happy that people are discovering Selfie and watching it for the first time :) Yes, it was really disappointing that the show couldn’t continue and the cast deserved better. I have a list why it was canceled. Sorry this is long lol. I also recommend checking out the Selfie Wikipedia about the cancellation!

Possible reasons why Selfie (2014) got canceled: 

1) The title: Selfie. Some people really hated the name even though it’s still used in everyday life. And it was around the same time when the song #Selfie by The Chainsmokers was released. I don’t think the general public liked being reminded of vanity, so they ended up judging the show pretty quickly. Even a news interviewer said when he heard the title, he wouldn’t watch a show called that. If it had a different name or alluded to My Fair Lady/Pygmalion, maybe it might have had a better chance? Also, “selfie” is hard to search for online, so having a more unique name would have been a plus. 

2) Weak pilot and trailer. There was a lot of criticism from critics and the audience for the first episode and trailer. Things like the vomit scene, how social media was portrayed, and Eliza's narcissistic behavior were considered off-putting. 

3) Bad time slot and no strong lead-in show. It was on the same time as big TV shows like The Voice and NCIS, which aired on different networks. Also, it didn’t have a strong lead-in show to retain the previous audience. Manhattan Love Story aired right before it, but that was also canceled a few weeks earlier. If something popular like Modern Family aired before Selfie, more people would have stuck around to watch the series. 

4) Not enough (good) marketing? Some people speculated that there wasn’t enough promotion. I’ve seen posters about it, but that didn’t really tell you what the show was about.

And the combination of the first four reasons led to the following: 

5) Low ratings. Unfortunately, not enough people were tuning in after the first episode and ratings kept dropping. It was canceled after the 7th episode and that was when the episodes became progressively better, but by then it was too late. It aired on the ABC network and the ABC President at the time, Paul Lee, said it was a "very good show,” but decisions had to be made due to losing money from advertisers. While money is an issue, I personally don't think he was a big fan. It's because he favored other shows by getting them another season like Galavant, Agent Carter, and American Crime even though their ratings were declining. Selfie didn’t even get to finish its first season. It was originally supposed to be around 26 episodes.

6) Other networks didn’t pick up the show and/or Warner Brothers didn’t bother to shop the show to other networks. A lot of fans at the time launched a fan campaign to reach out to Hulu (where the rest of the remaining episodes aired), Netflix, etc. to pick up the show, but no avail. Warner Brothers produced the show, but they probably didn’t push for the show as hard as they could have either. AND Selfie is still not officially streaming anymore either (except in Australia) because of the WB.

7) Racism. That might have been part of it, but it’s hard to tell how much especially with behind the scenes and the several reasons above would overshadow it. But racism definitely played a part during the casting process since the production wanted a white Englishman to play Henry in the first place and was reluctant to cast John Cho. Out of the main cast, he was also the last person to be announced. Times are slowly changing, but we could always have more romantic Asian male leads on American TV.

8) It wasn’t given enough time and was on the wrong network. This also ties in with 5) low ratings, but ABC didn’t give it a chance to grow a larger audience especially when the episodes were improving. I don’t think ABC was the right network for this show. If it came out now on streaming or maybe a few years after Guardians of the Galaxy and Jumanji (where Karen Gillan played Nebula and Ruby Roundhouse), it might have done better. The kicker is that some of the critics changed their minds about the show right when it was canceled. They definitely contributed to Selfie’s demise with the early bad reviews. 

That’s all I can think of for now. Overall, the show was poorly managed. Great cast and writing if people could see past the first episode. 

Thanks for reading this far! lol

[haroldgross]

New Post has been published on Harold Gross: The 5a.m. Critic

New Post has been published on https://literaryends.com/hgblog/yoshiki-under-the-sky/

Yoshiki: Under the Sky

[3 stars]

Yoshiki, despite a highly public presence, is also one of those enigmatic, behind-the-scenes orchestrators of the music scene like Prince was. He’s written the soundtracks or themes for several shows as well (such Attack on Titan). Everyone knows him and wants to work with him. Honestly, I don’t see it/hear it, but I’ve been fascinated by him since seeing We are X which is part of what got me to watch this film.

This latest, however, is more of a concert film, with a bit of “making of” vibe connecting the performances with many notables, such as The Scorpions, St. Vincent. and The Chainsmokers. The result is a lyrical gift to his and their fans. It was intended to help with the healing from the pandemic isolation, but it is coming out a bit late for that, at least in the States. People hear stopped isolating a couple years ago already.

But even so, with this roster you’d expect some amazing results. And each of Yoshiki’s arrangements is tight and lyrical. None are bad. However, the movie as a whole is a bit, well, flat. There is little dynamic change across the selection. It’s like playing a record and having all the songs sound essentially the same, even though, in this case, many of the songs were simply orchestrated versions of other songwriter’s music. It has all been homogenized. The result is more meditation than journey.

If you are a fan of Yoshiki, there isn’t a question about whether you need to see this flick. It captures an incredible feat of pulling together performers from all over the world to play together. And all of the performances are solid too. But a great concert it isn’t for my ears, even if the technical aspects and quality are clear. There just isn’t a shape to it all like American Utopia or even Moonage Daydream. For me, that is the basis of a great album or concert. I need to be taken somewhere unexpected or told a story. This is good background music that goes no where, even if we do get some insight into the process and impetus for it all from the interstitial interviews.

Where to watch

[d-criss-news]

Saweetie & Darren Criss Talk Performing at the 'Celebratory' SHEIN x Rock the Runway

If you purchase an independently reviewed product or service through a link on our website, we may receive an affiliate commission.

SHEIN is putting a spin on the typical fashion show.

The shopping e-commerce company is presenting on Sunday (Sept. 26) its SHEIN x Rock the Runway show, an hybrid special event that is part concert, part choreographed dance sequence all while showing off SHEIN's top trends for fall/winter 2021 in five individual segments. Saweetie, The Chainsmokers, Darren Criss, Thuy, Willie Gomez, Riley Clemmons, Blu DeTiger and more are all set to take the stage at the star-studded event.

"I love that SHEIN’s goal for this event is to create a one-stop destination for fashionistas to discover up and coming creators across all aspects of the industry," Saweetie tells Billboard of the opportunity. "I love that SHEIN is opening that door for everyone by shining a light on the biggest of stars to the indie artists. I’m passionate about so many things… music, fashion, beauty, and I’ve been so fortunate to pursue my dreams. Music is my ultimate love and it’s opened the door for all these other amazing things."

Fellow performer Darren Criss is equally excited to be included in such a unique opportunity, telling Billboard, "I really like the idea of not your typical fashion show and it being more of a celebration of dance and music and contextualizing the clothes via the music and performative elements and seeing how clothes look on all different kinds of people with different kinds of movement and music. That thinking out of the box factor of a typical fashion show was immediately appealing to me."

Saweetie shared that for her performance, which will showcase the Ski Party looks, fans should expect "lots of dancing" choreographed by Brya Woods and assistant choreographer Aahkilah Cornelius.

Criss is gearing up to perform his new single "For a Night Like This," which he describes as an "unapologetically celebratory jam."

"It’s all about celebrating with the people you love," he adds. "It’s such a vibrant song and the creativity that they were going for with this fashion show was a really great match for the song I wanted to perform. I’m happy I can showcase that vibrancy and colorfulness."

Criss, whose performance will accompany the City Sleek styles, emphasized his gratitude for SHEIN bringing his song to life with “a hundred dancers of all different backgrounds, shapes and sizes, with a variety of movement. That is something that really takes a song to the next level. It takes it from a song to a spectacle and a visually exciting experience. It’s something we all hope can happen with our songs when we write them.”

"Any opportunity I have to be around dancers and have dancing in my life – I’m not a dancer myself, but any time I can have that in my life, whether it’s through one of my songs or walking through life, I embrace that opportunity," he continues. "The more dance, the better."

SHEIN x Rock the Runway will also help raise awareness and donations to benefit National Action Network, one of the nation's leading civil rights organizations and Youth Emerging Stronger, which helps to build futures for foster and homeless youth. SHEIN is donating $350,000 across both charities.

"While I love to use my platforms to entertain, it’s just as important for me to educate and make a positive impact on the world and I love that SHEIN is acting on this by partnering with these organizations," Saweetie says of the event's charitable aspect. "I’m huge supporter of education and giving everyone access to the knowledge that will help them to grow and succeed in the world regardless of their background."

"It’s obviously the bonus for anything you do," Criss agrees. "You’re happy to support anything that supports others beyond the preliminary presentation of ‘Here are some cool clothes, here are some amazing dancers, here’s a cool song.’ In the process, we’re also shining a light on an organization that are doing a lot of good in the world. I always prefer that to be a component in anything I do."

Since this is a fashion show, after all, how would Saweetie and Darren Criss describe their personal style? "My style is always growing and evolving," Saweetie explains, "Because I am constantly researching and studying designers and their collections throughout the past. I love to play with fashion and take risks with my style – anything glam! I draw a lot of inspiration from the 90s and early 2000s and try to mix these retro and nostalgic elements with the feminine aesthetic of old Hollywood glamour."

"I’m a big believer in dressing for the party," Criss says. "This is a much larger idea that goes into music, that goes into how I approach everything in life, which is knowing what the venue is, honoring what the dress code is and then doing your own spin on it to be a little unique and not like everybody else. Just enough of something that is accessible so that people feel comfortable around your choice, but you’re also pushing it a little bit. I like toeing that line in general. I’m not saying I’m a fashionista at all, but it depends what day of the week it is, what coffee shop I’m walking to and what part of town. All those variables have their own set of rules that I like to abide by. But I’m definitely not one type of thing and am never thoughtless, that’s for sure."

Catch the SHEIN x Rock the Runway event when its streams on Sunday (Sept. 26) at 5 p.m. ET/2 p.m. PT on the SHEIN app, and the company's Instagram, Twitter, YouTube and Facebook pages. Shop the SHEIN x Rock the Runway looks here.

[kindahoping4forever]

Hi so I was a big fan from like 2013-2017 but kind of fell off leading up to yb (still was like vaguely in the loop through the album release but not hardcore) and I’ve been kind of getting back into 5sos lately so what did I miss?? Especially in terms of tumblr bc I see hardly any names I recognize anymore :((

Oh gosh "what did I miss" is far too expansive a question 😅😅 I'll start with the easy part: in my Tumblr experience, it's a pretty rare sight these days to come across someone from the time period you cited. A lot of people fell off before YB or during the unofficial hiatus that happened in 2020 because of the pandemic.

If you have any specific questions, I can answer in better detail but for now, I've compiled an abridged "here's what you missed" recap:

After the release of Youngblood, the band went on the Meet You There tour (highly recommend looking up fan vids on YouTube, that set was 👩🏻‍🍳💋) and released a live album of it at the end of that year. Youngblood the album went on to be streamed over 2 billion times and the song is still charting in Australia to this day.

2019 was controversial in the fandom for a lot of reasons: they featured on a Chainsmokers song called "Who Do You Love" and later toured with them on their World War Joy tour. Personally I always thought the song was a banger and the tour saw them deliver their strongest live show to date (absolutely please look up vids of that on YouTube omg 👁️👄👁️) but some fans were unhappy with their association/didn't like them trying to expand their audience. The band also released two singles off of their forthcoming album but a lot of fans were irked by the staggered and prolonged release strategy.

2020 opened with 2 more singles from the new album and they played the biggest show of their career to date, a featured slot during Fire Fight Australia, a benefit concert attended by 75,000 people and broadcast/streamed globally to millions. (Ashton trended on socials for legit a full day afterwards, it was absolutely a Defining Moment for them.) Unfortunately, promo and tour for their long-awaited 4th album, CALM, was halted for pandemic safety reasons and it released to muted fanfare in March 2020, just as lockdowns were being put into place. The album was still successful and has been streamed over a billion times (it was nearly #1 on Billboard but that's a longer story lol) but the release and truncated era was definitely a disappointment for band and fans alike.

The guys have spent the pandemic living in LA and being generally quiet on socials, finally able to enjoy being in one place and living a "normal" life for the first time since they were kids. Ashton emerged in the fall of 2020 announcing he'd recorded a solo album at home with his roommate and he independently released Superbloom (and its accompanying concert film) in October.

Late 2020/early 2021 the guys went on a few trips to the CA desert to work on a new album and it was heavily implied they intended to be much more hands on with the production of it. They spent the majority of last year working on this new album and no one really knows what to expect from it as they've worked with a potpourri of collaborators (everyone from John Feldmann to Ryan Tedder) and have mentioned several times that it'd been thru multiple incarnations. Over the summer, Luke surprise announced his own solo project (this time backed by a major label) and When Facing The Things We Turn Away From was released in August.

After a year and a half away, the band finally played their first show together in September, at the Global Citizen benefit in LA. December was the band's 10th anniversary and to celebrate, they released a song called "2011" alongside a feature-length variety special on YouTube. (Highly recommend even if you're not familiar with the new material, it's very nostalgic and career expansive, you'll absolutely get something from it if you were a fan at any point.)

And now we're here in February 2022, waiting for any 5SOS5 news - Ashton leaked part of a song the other day so it feels like it'll be any day now but it's felt that way for months tbh 😅.

Other stray developments of note: They finally parted ways with Modest Management (tho eventually ended up signing with their old manager from Modest but at his own firm. Idk 🤷🏻‍♀️). They've changed labels a couple times since you left and are now signed to BMG. Nearly 2 years after it was supposed to happen, tour finally starts in April (fingers crossed). Michael got married, Luke is engaged. Ashton bought a cabin in the woods. Calum shaved his head, insisted he wouldn't be growing his curls back and then hilariously had to let his hair grow during quarantine and now he has a mullet. Everyone, band and fans alike, are still generally kind of nuts. The more things change, the more they stay the same 😂

[jayz4dayz]

If you were going to put together a playlist for Ririka Momobami, what songs do you think could be part of it? (Sorry if I wrote something wrong, I'm Brazilian🤡)

 Ohhh I’ve been waiting for this question! Also, hello from Washington State, U.S, anon!

Just some off the top of my head~

 Jenny- by Studio Killers

 Oblivion- by Lily Porter 

 Heather- by Conan Gray

 i wanna be your girlfriend- by Girl In Red

 Mary- by The Happy Fits

 Runaway- by Aurora 

 Panic Room (acoustic version)- by Au/Ra

 Crush- by Tessa Violet 

 bon iver- by mxmtoon

 fever dream- by mxmtoon

 Welcome to Wonderland- by Anson Seabra 

Let My Baby Stay- by Amandla Stenberg 

Still into You- by Paramore

Arms Tonite- by Mother Mother

Roses- by The Chainsmokers

Love from NGC 7318- by Barnes Blvd

Work Song- by Hozier 

The Wisp Sings- by Winter Aid

Somewhere Only We Know- by Miki Ratsula

I Hear a Symphony- by Cody Fry 

Mary You- by Bruno Mars

All of these are songs I can imagine her listening to when she’s trying to unwind, whenever she’s daydreaming thinking about Mary, or just in general. I love music, so if you or anyone is ever interested in my lists, lmk!

Hope you liked this list! ^-^ 

[fishmongeringstudies]

FIFTY.

and that's how we spent our precocious youth!

lately i've been watching anime for the first time in three years because it turns out being physically trapped in a room you can only exit at risk of prosecution will leave even the most unhinged of minds desperate for some kind of Entertainment. one series whose manga i followed for seven years and whose anime adaptation came out just recently, recently in my mind meaning anything that was made after the year 2000, is about a group of teenagers in their last year of high school and all the average teenage shit they get up to. which is a pretty ordinary premise, and a common one at that, but there's something about the way they've pulled it off this time that makes me, someone who spent most of their teenage years throwing a proverbial ball against the proverbial wall and wishing i were a blade of grass (i.e. short-lived and non-sentient), want to be a high schooler again. like, are you sure about that, me? what happy memories did secondary school and junior college leave you with? once in the summer, while i was still on campus, i tried to tell a friend about 'My Sparkling Teenage Years'. 'our school is pretty rich,' i said. 'we have a lot of resources. people made use of those resources.' i tried to continue. 'people did a lot of things.' i paused. 'not me though.' i paused for longer, tried to come up with an interesting anecdote or a character who had wound their way into one of my stories, couldn't. silence stretched between us like a duvet.

in one of the entries on this blog i believe i say something along the lines of 'i came to america with nothing'. i was definitely angry when i wrote it, but i can't tell you why i was angry or if there was even a reason in the first place. unfortunately many of my more iconic statements can be traced back to a generic feeling of 'was angry' with no plausible explanation or follow-up, which is how i end up having to retract them periodically and replace them with new statements which are just as angry but hopefully a little more grounded. life is a never-ending cycle of re-examination. i return to the scene of the same crime, bodies strewn across the floor, shards of glass in someone's espresso, and i poke at the evidence. 'this time,' i declare. 'this time will be different.'

and it is. i realized while boiling water in the kettle in my room the other day that it was deeply cruel and unfair to all of the people i have met up until now to say that i came to america with nothing, because the logical implication is that no one gave me anything. this is factually incorrect. no matter how hard one tries to disengage from their surroundings, salt accumulates in the mouth of the oyster. the salt might have been useless to you for most of your twenty-year-old life, as you crammed yourself into the corner of the room and cried big christmas-bulb tears. but it was still there. and one day you found that you needed it for something, and found it sitting in your drawer where you left it all those years ago.

so what did i get out of my teenage years? i can't tell you. the last few years of my life come to me in fragments- here, the five month chainsmokers obsession, there, the four week destructive cycle of yearning. for someone who is so fond of telling stories i struggle to make a coherent one out of the defining moments of my teenagehood. after all, there's nothing funny about november 2018. i mean it's funny to me, but that's only because it was my body on the floor. to anyone else, it would have looked like nothing more than a corpse. what did you spend your high school years doing? i wrote a lot. most of it was depressing. i tried to blow myself up. i'm kidding. i learned how to cut cauliflower. you want to make the incision at the stem, you see, not the flowery bit at the other end. if you start at the flowery end, the whole thing will fall apart. living things are fragile, even after they're long dead. that's how you know they were alive to begin with.

the last time i remember being at ease with myself it's the spring of 2016 and i'm sneaking flowers into a girl's desk. ironically that's probably the one time i did something for someone that didn't backfire on me and leave the house in tatters, even though she never saw me as anything more than a particularly nice friend whereas you could say that there are people who have seen me as plenty of other things. a body. a bone. a whiteboard.

i can tell you a story about being young and alive in these tumultuous times easy, but you have to understand that it's going to be both funny and profoundly upsetting- that's the defining trait of my youth. nothing wrong with that, you know. not everyone gets the long end of the stick. not everyone gets a stick. so go into the woods and pick one up yourself. that's also a way of fighting. that's also a kind of living.

07.12.21

[jaeger-soul]

HIIIIIII again! I definitely hear you, I could use to forget real life for a little while, too. Always sending you positive vibes ✨💞

The character limit is different now lol I don’t have to spam your inbox with six messages at a time when I write a lot, I can just send one long message😂 Thank you for the welcome wagon 🥰 After using tumblr without an account for 5 years, this is interesting LOL Just had your page bookmarked and that was the extent to which I used tumblr

Yeah I actually really like my music anon nickname so I used it for my username hereeeeee ✨🤣 Still music anon but also we can keep track of which anon is me since there’re a lot of us 😭.

They are lol I wish I could write for them but I have no idea how 😂 I’ve only successfully written one fanfiction for a different fandom and even that story I am crawling to the finish line because… idk it’s long and I feel like I’m not doing a good job lol it was actually me who told you a few months ago that I’m writing it but haven’t posted it anywhere and you told me I’m working hard and should share it and I agree with you lol I’m just nervous 😂

I love linkin park, three days grace, and simple plan and what is hilarious is that when I was really little, like REALLY LITTLE, all the adults and teens around me were playing them aloud and that’s how I heard them 😂but then in mid teen years. . . I won’t say what I was listening to lol 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅 I still listen to everything I was listening to then actually, but it wasn’t punk 😂 I just recently discovered how much I like punk and rock

I listen to everything too! I don’t know if I can say that I listen to country since I only know all of Miranda Lambert’s songs lol 😂 But I’d definitely listen to more

LOL 😂 I had never ever heard blink-182 before and in 2017 one of my favorite songs was Closer by the Chainsmokers and they said “stay and play that blink 182 song“ and I was curious but didn’t look up their songs until like 2019 😅

I am obsessed with almost by Bowling for Soup and I had never heard Ohio until now and I really like it so much, I think they couldn’t make any song and I would vibe with it 🤩🤩🤩🤩 And after Ohio went off, Pandora played I’d Do Anything but simple plan and I liked it 😊

Oooooooh wow okay yeah I get it and I agree with you, that makes sense for him to take some time off and to go a different direction if it’s better for him.

YAYYYYY SPOTIFY PLAYLIST PENDING ! ! IM HYPE 🤩✨🔥🤩✨🔥🤩✨🔥🤩✨🔥🤩✨🔥

Thanks for answering the Tatiana question lol 😂

If I say anything embarrassing in the future, I’ll request the private message LOL 😂

Also, 84 years LOL I see you sliding that number in there 🤣🤣🍀🍀🍀 And happy late Saint Patrick’s Day 🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀

the positive vibes are appreciated 🤍

if you ever wanna talk fanfic ideas for swagger bishie, i'm always down. i have so many ideas i want to write but i'm getting through stay first

you should post that story somewhere though - i'm sure you'll get great feedback and positive comments. and part of the fun of writing for fandoms is sharing our work with other fans so i say go for it

eta: i regularly feel like i'm not doing a good job with the stuff i write so like, you're not alone but also sometimes it is just your own perception of your writing coming from spending so much time with it and being too close to it to really see it objectively

dang growing up with adults blasting linkin park and shit would've been amazing. and as far as whatever you were listening to then that you're embarrassed about, you've got no need to be with me. i still regularly listen to my teen obsessions (nsync, jonas brothers, miley cyrus, justin bieber, one direction etc.)

idk like i don't want to tell you how to feel but i've just found that it's a waste for me to be embarrassed about something that once brought or still brings me joy 🤷‍♀️

i love the chainsmokers man, they've had me hooked for a long time

and happy saint patrick's day to you, too!

i thought of some more recs and i'm gonna put most of them on the playlist but i had to share this one with you cause it's got some major alex vibes from stay lmao

[geekygoddesss]

The Boyfriend Tag [Calum Hood Edition]

Summary: an unfiltered interview featuring Calum Hood and his girlfriend.

Words: 4.7k

“Hello! I’m Calum Hood, from 5 seconds of summer” He greets to the camera. 

“My name is (Y/n) and I am dating this guy. Today! we are going to be answering this tag thing” I answer in a more excited tone, as I point at the camera. 

“The whole band has done it, it’s only fair I do it as well” He mentions  “We’re currently at home, where we all should be” He says, looking at the surroundings of our sweet home “...so we have more than enough time to get to this”

I smile “And here it is” 

                                                       _______

How did we first meet?

“Through friends” Calum explains shortly “it was nothing super special, sadly, she just happened to be friends with one of my friends and that’s how it happened” he shrugged. 

There was really not much to tell, Our story simply happened in a very natural way. 

“My friend invited me to LA and I met him in...If I’m not mistaken it was at a brunch party?” I explain. 

“You’d be right” he nods  “then a series of things happened and she ended up joining our team”

I smile to the camera “In case you didn’t know. I’m a music editor, I like producing and tweaking, so you could say we would see each other a lot” I shrug. 

“And things happened, went on a couple of dates, did my magic…” he added, moved his fingers in front of the camera in a funky way and finished with a “...and here we are”. 

Where was our first date?

“We went to a concert” I exclaimed, growing really excited at the memory “it was crazy, we literally started with a bang” 

“Yep and it wasn’t planned at all” he laughs, rubbing his jaw with his hand as he spoke “I originally had the plan to go with Ashton to this Chainsmokers show, we wanted to take advantage of that to talk with Drew and Alex after, but Ashton got really sick and since I had the ticket and couldn’t just let it go to waste, I asked this beauty to go with me” he said, reaching over to squish my cheek. 

I move away as an instinct, but I love it. 

“It was awesome, those guys really put up a good show” I add, smiling as I spoke “I got really drunk that night” 

Fun fact. I don’t know what came over to me the night of our first date, but for some reason, alcohol played a big part that night, it was embarrassing, but it was worth it. After all, we made a great memory out of it. 

“Tell me about it” Calum said, rolling his eyes. 

I blushed, but before he could say anything else, I swang over to him and covered his mouth “Shhh” I giggle, scotting over to his side “He kind of babysat me, sorry babe” I said, uncovering his mouth. 

“Kind of?” he asked with a sarcastic tone “Geez, I can’t even answer to that. Next question, I don’t want to tell this story” he said, shaking his head. 

I roll my eyes “Drama queen” I shrug “I got drunk and he had to take care of the rest, it was both fun and weird”. 

“Next” he states, passing on to the next question. 

What was your first impression of me?

I have to take a moment to answer this question, not because I don’t know what I like, but because I struggle remembering what exactly was that caught my attention. It only took me a few seconds to answer. 

“My first impression of you was that you were really quite but still very present in the room” I speak first “it’s hard to explain, because we literally met in the middle of a conversation but basically” I try to explain, shifting a little in my place  “I remember standing in one place and hearing stories from other people, I was completely not familiar with anything, I didn’t know any of them so everything they said was pretty much new, but you always had a fun insert to add, even though you barely spoken that was something that stood out for me a lot” I say, nodding towards him. 

“Mine was more or less the same, actually” he says, acting surprised about my answer “because you’re always very quiet when being on a crowd and that stuff, you always stand back from having too much attention” he explain. “it’s funny because, the first day I met you I remember, I greeted you and all, we didn’t really talked to each other and I didn’t hear you talk either, however, when our food delivery came in the first thing I heard you say was ‘yo, I bet you can’t sniff of this paprika’” he says, a smile growing on his face, until full giggles starting coming out of his lips. 

“Did you really had to say that on camera?” I sigh, acting annoyed, but I really wasn’t. 

“It was hilarious” he says, still laughing. 

I know this is a fact that kind of embarrass me, but watching laugh it off was completely priceless. 

When did you meet my family?

“I met your family on the day you launched your third album” I start answering the question, as soon as he finishes reading.  “it was such a big moment and you flew everyone in, it was the first time I ever got to interact with your mother and -well- everyone, as your girlfriend and not just a friend” I explain “also it was the first time I stayed over at your place for more than two nights”

“It was a extended pijama party” he mention, nodding at the camera with a serious look “no, uh, there’s a reason behind all that. When it came to this situations, I very much preferred for her to stay at mines while my family was in there than to have her alone at her apartment, so I took the chance” He shrugged, reaching over to pat my tight. “It was fun!” 

“It was very fun” I nod agreeing “I love how your mom takes the lead in the kitchen and no matter what you say, she is the one in charge” I laugh, remembering all those discussion for who was the first cooking dinner at the house.

“Mom doesn’t love my cooking” Calum admits with a sigh. 

I nod “I don’t know why, if I’m honest”  I add“She makes some exceptional fish and chips though, it’s just...” 

I have to close my eyes to add some drama into all these. I loved food, and that was definitely one of the best meals I’ve had in a long time. I knew Cal’s mom loved to cook, and it was an honour for me to try her meals, they were heaven on earth.

“Yeah I know” he chuckles “How did I meet yours?” he asks to himself and sighs  “I didn’t”

My jaw tenses a little, I don’t know how I didn’t see this coming but I didn’t care at all. 

“I’m an orphan, don’t cry for me, I’m fine, I don’t need to talk about it” I state, moving over to his side and hugging him “you are my family”

He smiles softly at me. “Yes I am, baby” he says kissing my forehead. “Next” 

Who said “I love you” first?

“Eh...I did” I admit, with a shy smile on my face “guilty” I add, raising my hand. 

“She did” he seconds, pointing at him. “it was adorable”

That phrase made me cringe for some reason. Not that I denied it wasn’t adorable, it was just some awkward moment that I came out of me and I still feel unsure of. I am not often the one who speaks up, so doing this was pretty ballsy. 

“Was it?” I ask, unsure “It was too soon, I dont know...”

“It was alright, really” he says, shaking his head and going over to rub on my arm a little “we were having one of our famous, drink and watch, where we watch movies and every time something specific happens, we drink a shot” he starts telling the story, also making the fun add on of our usual date nights. 

“And I was like, woooh woooh” I say, trying to imitate that very moment. I lean over him, and leaning my head too close to his, I press my head on his cheek and whisper “I loaf you, Cayum” making it coming out as a loud muffled sound. 

“God dammit” he giggles moving away just a little “I mean, it did sound like that, but it was cute and I said it back” he says, rounding his arm around my shoulders and pulling me closer.

“At first I felt weird because I thought I shouldn’t have said it right there at that moment, but if I’m honest” I add “I was fine” 

“We were fine” he continues, leaning in to kiss my temple “more than fine”

What dressing do I always wear?

I look at him up and down.  It’s kind of funny, because with this whole situation, we both happen to be in our pajamas, so our dressing code has been turned around for the moment. My vision of what he could be wearing on the daily has been distorted. 

“Pfff” I sigh “I don’t know, I really don’t” I confess. “You are very weird with fashion, I must say, I don’t think you often wear the same thing” I say, looking over at him. 

“I sure do, I can think of a couple things” He says, smiling at me with a teasing smile, silently encouraging me to think. 

“Well, you do wear hoodies often, at home mostly” I say, being the first thing I can think of

“Like this one, actually, it’s like your morning hoodie” I giggle, reaching over to tug on the hood. 

He was wearing that very soft white hoodie he would reach over to every morning, if there was a little bit of a breeze out there. She loved it, it was a nice piece of clothing to hug him in. 

“There you go, see?” He chuckles, shaking his head  “Mine is easy because every day of your life you wear socks that reach your ankles and beyond” He smiles, looking down at my feet and staring at my socks. 

“Ding ding ding!” I celebrate, smiling at him “You are so right!” I laugh.

He nods, he knows he was right. 

“Show the public, please” he suggests, giving me the honours.

“I have pineapples today” I say, lifting my foot as much as I can and holding it up to the camera. “Yesterday I had dogs and I have all kind of patterns, I love collecting socks” I smile, looking down at the pretty pattern and admiring it. 

“It’s a fun thing to collect, I like it a lot actually” He admits, staring at it too “Do you have your 5SOS socks already?” he asks, as I lower my leg to its previous position. 

I roll my eyes “Oh, shut it” I groan, he breaks to laugh and he knows why.  “you didn’t let me design socks for your merch, now I don’t want anything” I say, scooting away from him

“Right” he laughs, shaking his head and laughing “Next question”. 

Weird habit of each other?

“I know one of yours” he says before I can even answer. He turns to me, looking at me with a mysterious smile. “I’m going to leave it at your choice, should I tell or should I not?” 

I look at him with the same look he gives to me, trying to see in him what he had in mind. I might have some weird habits, I was just hoping he wouldn’t pull out the worst. 

“Shoot”  I say, glaring at him. 

“Everything you do, you find a way to relate it to a meme” he says, looking straight at me and laughing as he speaks “I don’t even know how you do it, you just do” 

“Oh man! that’s not that bad, but I wasn’t expecting that at all” I laugh as well, finding it kind of funny that we went in with this one “I don’t think you have a bad habit, but, if I must say one, I would say your silence” I say slowly, not really sure if that even count. “you are one quite soul, Cal” I add, bumping our shoulders together 

“Am I?” He says, raising an eyebrow up as he spoke. 

I nod  “It’s like, sometimes  I ask you something and you just do this” I explain, resting my head over my chin and looking straight at him, saying nothing but still saying much. “I’m not a mind reader, pal” I mumble, still looking at him. 

He leans over and touches my forehead with his, looking at me straight in the eyes and mumbling.  “You should know what it means” 

I roll my eyes. “Uh huh” 

He would never admit his silence was weird, but that’s okay, it was something of him that I really liked.

How long have we been together?

“Almost two years” Calum says, his voice sounding sort of surprised as he spoke. 

“It doesn’t feel like two years, how scary” I add, leaning my head on his shoulder “I feel like time really flies lately, these past two years between working with you, having all these changes and moving to this city, I felt like it’s only been a couple months” I mention, reflecting about all of the little things that have led us to this moment. 

“That happens when you’re having fun baby” 

I smile, bumping my shoulder to his “It’s been the best two years, I hope you know that” 

What was our first road trip?

“Here’s the thing” he says, taking the lead “We often do small road trips to little parts of the city, so I would dare to say our first road trip together was... Mexico?” he says, looking at me in doubt. 

“I think so, I’m not sure” I say, thinking about it as well. “but I think our most special trip was not even a road trip, it was a full on trip, remember?”

He frowns a little, turning to look at me looking for more clues. I didn’t gave more information away, if he knows, he knows. 

“Which one?” He asks, still thinking about it.

“The first trip we did together, we were around 8 months, I would say” I say, still maintaining the mystery, until I decided to drop it.  “We went to Australia, made a stop for three days and then New Zealand” I explain. 

“Oh that’s right! yeah, you are right” he nods energetically at my answer. “We went visiting my family and exploring, it was a whole deal” he explain, now with a smile on his face. 

“I think that even counts as a road trip, we used your uncle’s jeep, visited some awesome places” I say, smiling as well “I loved it, I always wanted to go to Auckland and having the chance of exploring the city was the best thing ever” 

He nods, agreeing with me. That particular trip was the first trip we ever did together as a couple and it was worth every second. 

“I had fun too, it was a very special time” He agrees. “Fun fact, a song came out of that trip, and you would never guess which one, but if you do, let me know and I might tell a story” He states, pointing at the camera, and looking at it with a completely serious look. 

“Please do, guess” I chuckle at that statement “That story is going to fuck me up”

First thing you noticed about me?

“Now this is a question I like a lot” Calum states, sitting up straight and getting excited about his answer “Here’s the thing, the first time I met you was on this brunch thing and it was... a private event” he starts “it was interesting because in this event they had like a whole dancing thing, musicians, a DJ... the thing is, there was a particular moment of the event where they were playing jazz and the way she lost it while listening to that... that was priceless” he noticed, smiling at me “the way you lose yourself with music it’s something I won’t ever get tired of” he said in honest words. 

That statement made my heart warm up. Those were one of the most adorable things he had ever said to me. 

“Thank you” I said, with a hand on my chest. “The first thing I noticed about you is how good you are with words” I said, as part of my answer “I think some people, especially guys, sometimes come out as assholes when they want to cause a good impression, but surprisingly, he was the first guy who when he first came up to me, I felt comfortable” I shrug, looking at the camera and smiling softly. 

There was really not much to say, I felt like my answer said a lot. 

Calum smiled softly at me and reached my place, and while he caught me in his arms he mumbled “Come here”. 

And then we fall onto the floor, as we washes me in kisses. 

Tell us a fun fact about you

We both stare blankly at different points as we think of an answer. It should be easier than this, but for some reason, it is being more difficult than we thought to come up with a good answer to fill in this question. We could say so many things, but none of them would be the most appropriate one for this. 

“Fun fact” I start, after our moment of silence “the first time we kissed, very first time, I was really drunk, but I would say, it wasn’t that noticeable or at least that’s what I thought”

I see Calum notices what I am saying right away, because once I start my story, his face goes from a frown to a surprised expression very quickly. Suddenly everything taking a bit of sense for him. 

“I know where you’re going” he says, shaking his head. 

“He asked me how it felt, like the kiss, how I felt about it” I continue  “and I said ‘Ew’” 

I wish I could help it, but everytime I tell a story like this, I can’t help but breaking to laugh, without having enough control over myself. I almost have to lay back, because I am laughing so much I can hardly sit still, but I don’t do that, I just hold on to my boyfriend and do my thing. I was such a fun story, the embarrassing part of it worn off completely by how funny it was. 

“That was the most discouraging moment of my life” He explains, joining as well into my little laughing fit and shaking his head.

“I know, I’m sorry” I said, cleaning a small tear off my eye “I didn’t mean it! I was drunk, plus, I think I say ew and ouch out of its context more times that I could count” I mention.

“Now, that is very true” he says, laughing as well as he turns his look back at the camera and mumbles “Next question”

Tell us a secret 

“No” Calum says. 

So we move on to the next question. 

What am I good at?

“She’s excellent at cooking the best things in the worst times” Calum explains as soon as he’s given the chance “and what I mean by this is that, most of the time when there’s a storm or, just like a month ago, we were confined and she would do deserts like everyday, It was so good I would forget for a second about what was surrounding me” He admitted, looking at me for a second before going back at the camera. 

“I’m glad you like it”  I smile, suddenly feeling very excited. “I do instagram lives every time I cook, It’s a lot of fun” I add.

He nods “You see me in the back, like, ‘what’s that white spongy thing?’” he mentions, making a weird voice just for laughs. 

I giggle. “What’s that white dust on the table?”  I follow, completely being aware of the double-sense. 

“Is that mint? Or cilantro?” He adds. 

“Oh geez” I laugh, at that last one. “People roast me in the comments all the time, because I make stuff like, burritos, or maybe chicken teriyaki, and then you come over and can’t eat anything” I roll my eyes, shaking my head at the camera. 

He presses his lips together at my mention and nods. 

“I don’t eat meat” he mentions, shrugging “but I don’t mind at all, I don’t care if you eat meat”

I nod “I always prepare like one ratio and leave some for if you wanna try, but…” I shrug “I wouldn’t tease you into it”

“I know babe” He says, going to reach my cheek and pinch it. 

 I move away from his touch as I say “I’m not even going to answer this so… next!” 

Favorite feature about each other?

“His face is the stretchiest ever” I say with excitement in my voice. 

Without a doubt, I get up and walk right behind him, because I just need to do something. It's a necessity, this is something I do on the daily, showing the public was something I wanted to do so badly. 

“Look at this” I said, placing my hands on his cheeks and squishing them…stretching… squishing… stretching… squishing… I had so much fun. 

“I have so much fun doing this, it’s like playdough in my hands” I say, caressing my boyfriends face. 

“Okay, alright” he laughs, taking my hands away from his face. “My favourite thing is this” he says, still holding onto my hands and suddenly tugging on them hard. 

Before I even noticed, he was grabbing both of my arms together, and with great skill, he pulled my whole body over his shoulders, and as he got up from his seat and walked back. 

“What?!” I yelled loudly “Put me down!” 

He does as I said, and as he walked to the back of the room, he let me down right beside him. 

“She’s so tiny” he laughed, ruffling my hair playfully “I can carry her in my bag” 

I rolled my eyes “No, I’m not” I whined “Stop” 

He laughed again, and as he lifted his arm, and rested his elbow on my head.  “See this (Y/n) to Calum ratio” he mocks “I’m half a person” 

“Perfect size” I giggle, pushing him aside playfully. “Now that you’ve exposed my height, can we keep going please?” I say, almost begging. 

If we kept going with this, I could easily turn from funny to not so funny anymore. 

What do we argue about the most? 

Once again, we stay quiet for a good second, but not because we don’t know, it’s because there was really not an specific answer we could give. I don’t we even knew what to say. 

“I would say, the majority of times, we argue for the most dumb things you could imagine” I say, answering for the both of us  “But about serious things, it’s something very rare” I shrug. 

“I think our trending topic when discussing about something, it’s about me misspelling words when writing, and her losing it” he says, pointing at us and totally throwing me a look. 

“Dude” I sigh “Because then people will read and take it the wrong way, not cool” I argue. 

“It doesn’t matter, you just explain” he shrugs, completely not caring. 

“You need to listen, that’s what you need to do” I roll my eyes  “Read a book, punk” I let out. 

His eyes widen at my answer. “Oh is that it?” He says looking at me directly. 

I crack a smile, going to hug him, before he thought I was serious about this. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding” I let him know. 

I would never tell him something like that on purpose.

Nicknames for each other?

I sigh. “Sadly, I don’t have anything other than Cal, and all the regular sappy nicknames” I shrug  “I know I’m terrible, sue me, I don’t care” 

I speak honestly, all super creative nicknames were over thought and they could be weird sometimes. I was too classy to use anything overly new. 

“That’s mean, because I do have a couple of names for you” he mentions “Sweetie pie, Baby… The others I can’t reveal” he says slowly, patting my thigh with his hand. 

my nose scrunches “Why?” I ask. 

“They’re very confidential, you should know that”  he says, shaking his head. 

I shrug. “If I’m honest, I don’t know” I giggle “But I’ll keep the secret if that’s what you want”

He smiles, and leaving kiss on my cheek, we move on to the next question. 

Complete this sentence “You’re my……..”?

“Oh, this is the famous question” he says after reading the question out loud. A smile cracking on his face as he looked at me. 

“Was there a famous question?” I asked, raising my eyebrow. 

“All the guys were talking about this one, I’m sure you guys are enjoying this” he smiled at the camera and pointing at It. “Luke’s girl cried” he mentioned to me. 

My eyes widen “Did she?” I say, my mouth forming a pout “Oh man, I haven’t seen that” I sigh “You first”

He nods, already knowing that he would be the one taking the lead first.

“You are my saviour” he says, going to grab my hand. “I know it might sound sappy and you hate it, but it’s the truth. Before you I was a lonely guy, even when I had friends, I still felt pretty lonely, and I really appreciate the fact that I found someone who I can talk to, share moments… someone who I can lean on, It’s something that really gets me thinking… If it wasn’t for you, I would be sad” he says, pressing his lips together as he looked at me. 

“Really?” I asked in a whisper. He nods. “Cal…”

I wish I could keep it together, but hearing him say something like this… I’m front of a camera. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, we’ve been in these kinds of situations before, but right now, it felt different, and it felt special. 

“No, baby, don’t” he chuckles when sees my eyes starting to Glow. “See?” He tells the camera with a smile. 

“I don’t even know what to say…” I sigh, shaking my head “You’re my partner” I say smiling. “Probably sounds weird, because it’s obvious, but I mean it, you’re my best friend, I love spending time with you, I always look forward to be with you and have you by my side, I can tell you everything and I trust you more than anyone, I think being with you is without a doubt, the best decision I have ever taken in my life” I admit. 

The grin on his face is a real one, and once I finish with my words, he gives a squeeze to my hands, and leaves a kiss in both of them. 

“Come here, baby” he whispers, pulling my into his arms. “I love you, I love you, I love you” he says, kissing my cheek a lot. 

“You’re squishing me” I laugh “I love you so much, a million times, more than you do” 

And more than he could imagine…

                                                    _____

“So, this was our version of the girlfriend and boyfriend tag, I hope you enjoyed” I say first, as I smiled to the camera. 

“We also hope this brought you enough entertainment during this time, we for sure had a good time doing it” He continues for me, waving at the camera. “Until the next time, and remember to stay safe, bye!”

With this, we both lift our hands, and wave energetically at the camera, we turn of the camera, and our version of this tag was completed. 

It was a wrap!.

[ms-demeanor]

/r/unpopularopinion/comments/e2gfsv/men_dont_conceal_their_depression_because_they/ Thoughts?

Look.

Depression brain lies to people. Depression brain tells you that nobody cares about your problems and they don’t want to help and you’re just a burden if you say anything.

Turns out it does that regardless of gender.

I could probably point you to a dozen posts without even stretching that talk about people losing male friends to depression and being devastated because they didn’t even know their friend was hurting and would have done whatever they could to help.

The negativity in that reddit post is a lie.

There’s a post I saw on here today that was talking about male vulnerability that broke down to “you don’t want to be vulnerable in a real, ugly way, you just want men to share emotionally appropriate secrets” and that’s bullshit. It’s a lie. It’s a lie in two ways.

First off people as a whole aren’t really comfortable with *anybody* shedding messy feelings. Weeping at your desk at work makes people uncomfortable with you, period, end. People don’t find that attractive or compelling or nobly vulnerable, they just get screamingly uncomfortable and avoid you. Paula from Accounting and Matt from Engineering aren’t paid to deal with your shit and if they can’t handle it that’s not their fault. Sharing your feelings and being vulnerable isn’t the same as feelings-bombing your unsuspecting co-workers or the PTA.

And secondly just because someone is uncomfortable or unequipped doesn’t mean they don’t care. Paula from Accounting is probably really, really worried if she sees you crying at your desk but that doesn’t mean she has the kind of relationship with you where she can actually talk to you about it.

*Trigger warnings, self harm*

I used to cut myself. Big surprise, right? I mostly did it privately but one time I was so achingly fucked-up and in need of any kind of help that I used an eraser and scrubbed away at the skin of my hand until I was bleeding all over Mr. Constantine’s World History class.

And I sat there in history class, cutting myself, completely convinced that nobody saw me, that I was invisible, that if they did see me they didn’t care because nobody said anything.

Now, spoilers, fifteen-year-olds are selfish and emotionally immature. It was completely unfair of me to put that kind of burden on the kids around me and I do regret it.

But an interesting thing happened.

A few years after high school I was sitting in the parking lot of a local Albertson’s chainsmoking and reading at 3am because I am a healthy and normal person. And as I sat there I recognized some voices - it was three boys who had been in high school with me all grown up!

One of them, Michael, had always been kind of friendly with me in a standoffish “I’m an honors student and you’re an honors student but you’re really fucking weird so I’ll nod to you in the hallways and won’t shit-talk you if we have an assignment together but we’ll never eat lunch together or anything” kind of way. And Michael came over to talk to me!

It’s been kind of a theme with people from high school that when they talk to me they either end up saying “Oh, I thought you’d be dead by know” or “you married a guy? are you fucking with me?” at some point in our conversation so I was kind of expecting it. I wasn’t expecting Michael Salutatorian-I-Just-Finished-Med-School to give me a hug and start crying when he said he thought I’d be dead by now.

Because, see, Michael sat next to me in Mr. Constantine’s World History class. And he told me he’d seen me cutting myself in class and he’d been so worried about me that he made more of an effort to be nice to me at school but he had no idea what to do about it. He had no idea if he should tell someone or say something to me.

I still feel bad about putting that on Michael and the other kids in our class (though I was ten pounds of crazy in a five pound sack so I can at least recognize that I didn’t intend to hurt anyone and with updated information wouldn’t do the same thing) but in hindsight I’m really glad that things happened the way they happened because it actually really means a lot to me that people could see that I was hurting and just didn’t know how to help.

Now that I am a much more emotionally mature adult with seventeen years of therapy under my belt and I can recognize suicidal ideation as the lying depression brain bullshit that it is I’ve also gotten to be much, much better at asking appropriate people for help.

That reddit comment mentions that women have networks to support their depression and those don’t just come from nothing, they are built. You have to build them. And I’m lucky enough that I know plenty of guys who have built similar networks so I’m really happy to tell you that you can do it too, buddy. And even if you don’t have one ready-made I know there are whole internet communities dedicated to helping out people in tough situations. I know literally dozens of people personally who have been able to ask for help from friends they made on tumblr or twitter or through video games or fucking CalGuns.

Also the solution to feeling like you’re unsupported isn’t to say “well, I guess nobody cares, better just hold onto this feeling until it kills me” it’s to keep asking for support. And yeah, maybe that support *only* comes from a paid therapist at first but a really, really big component of a lot of therapy is working on interpersonal relationships so that you can have a healthy support network.

Anyway.

I do recognize that it is not, currently, easy for men to reach out for help with mental illness. I recognize that there are social barriers for men that frequently do not exist for women.

However.

Looking at the way things are now versus the way things were ten years ago I really feel like that’s changing. I believe that our society now is more knowledgeable about mental illness and how destructive social isolation can be and how to help than we were ten years ago.

And if there is absolutely no one else you can ask for help at the very, very least you can get started with this gigantic list of crisis hotlines.

So.

Yeah. The world sucks and it’s hard to get help. But the first step is to ask. I’m so, so, so pleased with the fact that we’re educating people about building healthy support networks and giving them the terminology to discuss their problems and opening up about the issues that we have so that other people know they aren’t alone in their feelings or pain, but if none of that is enough, if none of that helps you, you still have to ask for help. And you might not get it right away, but you aren’t going to get help at all if you don’t ask.

Also in case you didn’t know it Movember is funding mental health research and resources for men in addition to prostate cancer research; one of their supported group is Heads Up Guys, which has some helpful information for men dealing with depression and good resources for supporting you depressed friends.

[cthomashoodstory]

Best Years but Not in the Same Way (25)

Calum Hood x Reader

Previous Part

Masterlist

-

Who Do You Love by The Chainsmokers and 5 Seconds of Summer out at February 7 and your new single I Like Me Better out today, February 26.

You were so excited to released this new single because of Calum. You made this song back before you dated him and now since you two are dating now, the song is more special to you. You and him were teasing each other on Twitter and also as promotional to our new singles.

Since we did that on Twitter, people been asking about the relationship we have now. Some people guessing right, some people especially his fans hated you if you were around him. Your fans supporting you whoever you’re with, but some of it still shipping you and Justin. And you didn’t care what they said at all. But honestly it hurted your feelings. Their mean words really affect you but you really tried not to take into your feelings.

Being in relationship with Calum was the big step in your life since you had failed in relationship before. You never thought that you could love someone else than Justin. You really glad that you’re out of your miserable past and moved on to your better life.

Minutes later, Calum called you. “Hey babe.”

“Hi, i miss you.” You greeted him. “How you doing?”

“I’m good. I’m at the studio with the boys and I’m in the corner so they won’t hear us. What about you?”

You sipped your drink. “I’m at Julia’s because she’s throwing me a party for my new single.” “I wish i could see you right now.”

“Yeah it’s been 2 weeks since the last we met,” you could hear Michael laughed in the background. “I’m sorry Michael laughed so loud. Oh by the way Luke has been asking me nonstop about the tweets that we post at the same time. I haven’t told them that we’ve already dating. Should we announce to them or…?”

You put the glass on the table and you walked away from the crowd. “Yeah i haven’t told my friends especially Mike. They had no clue that we’ve been together for a month. Like i teased them about us, but they still not realized it. I’m kinda scared if i or we told our friends about this, they reaction would the the opposite as we thought.”

“You have a good point,” he said. “What if we posted something at midnight when we’re on our own house? Or you can come by and stay on my house? I’ll be home anytime soon.”

You check your watch on your wrist and it’s 10 PM. “Uh… this party might ended at midnight, and tomorrow i have to be on my label office by 7 AM for meeting. But i think i will stop by at your house and can you drive me home after that?”

“Sure. I’ll see you at midnight?” The call about to ended but he was interrupted and talk to someone. “What? No, she won’t talk to you… hey stop.” “Hey Miss B, congrats on your new single. We missed you bestie bye.” “Sorry Mike is so annoying.”

You laughed. “Hahaha it’s fine. Tell them i missed them. Bye see you tonight.” You hung up the call and you continue mingled with your friends.

“Hey, who you called? Calum?” Julia approach you and asked you. Then you nodded. “How you two doing? I know you two doing good. Don’t answer that.” You just chuckled.

You really grateful because you have a very supportive friends, they never pushed both you and Calum to be together because they knew and they believed in our process.

-

It’s midnight already, 2 AM to be exact, and you arrived at Calum’s house. The party ended at 1 AM when people start to go home one by one and only leaving you and Julia only. You went to Calum’s house by uber because nobody could drive you and you couldn’t drive either. You were so sleepy and tired but you want to see your boyfriend so bad.

You opened his house and the inside was dark. You turned the lights on and walk slowly to the kitchen. You grabbed water bottle from fridge and drank it. After that you walked to his bedroom and he was there watching some shows that you didn’t know.

“Hey,” he was so shocked when he saw you and he even got up from his bed.

“You didn’t throw away my skin care, did you?” You asked him while you opened the bathroom to find all your skin care that you put here in his house, because you ofter stay on his house for days.

“Of course it stills there. Are you staying for tonight?”

You nodded weakly. “Yes, I’m too tired to drive away to my apartment. I will figure something out tomorrow. Right now, i need to clean up and i will see you in minutes.” You waved and closed the bathroom door.

15 minutes later you finished clean up and walked out from the bathroom and joined him to the bed. You hugged him from beside. “I missed you so bad.” Then he kissed your forehead and continued watching show.

“Oh after Michael greeted you on the phone, He asked about us. Like how’s the progress, is it good or bad, et cetera. And i didn’t answer him. I was too nervous.” He held your right hand.

“What was your idea then? We posted something? Let’s do it then to surprise them, hows that sound?”

He nodded. “Great idea. Lets post something. You post something you like and i’ll post something i like, okay?” And now you’re the one nodded.

Then you posted a picture on instagram. And so did Calum.

Within minutes you and him got so many likes and comments from fans mostly. And we read it.

You and him read the comments and we were so happy because most of them congratulated you and him and some of them gave a bad comments.

Minutes after Mali called Calum. “CALUM THOMAS HOOD WHY YOU DIDNT TELL ME THAT YOU AND SAARA ARE DATING?” She literally yelling at Calum and you laughed quietly.

“So sorry sister, we just want to surprise you and people.” He smiled and looked at you. “You can congratulate me and Saara because she’s beside me.” He pointed the camera to your face.

“Hi Mali, I’m so sorry we didn’t tell you earlier because we really wants to surprise everyone including you. But i promise you i will tell you everything starting from today.”

She cried and she wiped her tears. “I’m so happy for you and Calum. I’ve been praying everyday so you and him could be together. I knew the struggle you carried, but I’m glad that you’re dating him now. I always believe in your process and now it’s proven. I love you so much Saara. Can’t wait to tell mom and dad about it. Bye lovebirds.” The video call ended and you decided to sleep because you have to wake up early.

-

To be continued.

Next Part

[starlightswitch]

Eye to Eye

@flashfictionfridayofficial​ All right, I’ve had The Chainsmokers in my head all day.

Also for writer’s month day 13 prompt night

She pulled her date to the dance floor when the slow song started. There had only been a few slow songs tonight and she was going to dance a slow song at her first high school dance even if she wasn’t dancing with the guy she would rather be dancing with.

And she was trying not to think about that.

All her friends insisted it was his loss. If there was a guy she wanted to ask her to the dance, and he didn’t, then he was missing out.

She hadn’t told them who the guy was. She barely wanted to admit it to herself.

Derek was obnoxious, the kind of guy who would ask the teacher a question to get her off topic, and then keep her going until the end of class if he could. If Nicki’s eighth grade self had known about him, she’d have turned up her nose. If she was reading about him, or someone was telling her about him, or if he was someone else, she’d have rolled her eyes. But there was something about Derek that kept her glancing at him. Something that kept her paying attention when he and the teachers went off on the tangents, instead of shaking her head and resigning herself to not learning anything today. Something that had her wondering if he noticed her.

Which was dumb, because if he did he probably thought of her as a teachers pet– and was kind of right– and didn’t think much else about her.

So she danced the slow song with Elliot, who one of her friends had set her up with. Halfway through she noticed Derek with his date, over Elliot’s shoulder, and she tried to casually spin so that Derek would be out of her line of sight, but somehow it never quite worked.

Hold me closer, went the song, and Nicki put her arms more tightly around Elliot and pulled closer, a little. She caught Derek’s eye for just a second and tilted her chin up. He pulled his date closer too, resting his chin on the top of her head for a second.

When the song ended Elliot awkwardly said something that Nicki guessed meant he had to go to the bathroom. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll meet you outside.”

The patio of the restaurant was all decorated with little trees in pots and fancy strings of lights that gave off a golden glow. Nicki stood at the edge, looking down toward the road into the night.

She tried to ignore the voice behind her.

“We probably can’t see them because of the lights. Oh, no, I can see the Big Dipper at least. You know the Big Dipper, right?”

She tried, she really tried, to ignore his explanations about arcing to Arcturus and spiking to Spica and Cassiopeia shaped like a W and which end was the head and the feet. She tried so hard not to look up at the sky and have him noticing her noticing him that her eyes were squeezed shut and she was seeing stars behind her eyelids.

“Nicki!”

Nicki jumped, only realizing hands were on her shoulders when they suddenly dropped away. “Oh. Hi.”

“It’s nice out here.”

“Yeah, it’s nice.” She needed to not sound out of breath.

She turned to look at Elliot, and once again, over his shoulder, her eyes met Derek’s. Immediately she reached for Elliot’s hand.

Derek, his arm around his date, pulled her closer to his side.

Nicki tried to pretend she didn’t care, but she couldn’t even fool herself.

[sarcastically-defensive17]

Negatives? - C. Hood

Hello my lovies! This is the anticipated second part of “Benefits?”!! Didn’t think we could get angstier but here we are!! I apologise in advance!

Masterlist will be updated soon! Hope you enjoy! More requests will be filled very soon!

Original story by sarcastically-defensive17

9 months. 9 months of longing, of pain, of loneliness. 9 months of being cooped up inside of his own head because he was too ignorant and rude to admit that he hadn’t buried his feelings for Y/N.

Drew made Y/N smile, but he knew that he could do better. He made her laugh, yet she laughed heartier when Calum would joke with her. Drew kissed her, yet Calum knew he would do better.

But he didn’t deserve her. Not in any way, shape or form. He had ruined his chances with her the minute he told her she wasn’t good enough to be with him.

Every interaction between the former friends was cold. Y/N looked as if she were fighting back tears and Calum often had to leave the room as his own fell. The band knew what happened between the two; they had been there to pick up the pieces for Calum as Y/N called their manager to quit and took off. She was determined to prove Calum wrong, and everybody knew it.

She kept Sierra up to date with her whereabouts, and job prospects. The two had grown closer as the older woman comforted Y/N. Sierra, in turn, kept Luke updated, and he the rest of the band - except Calum. Whenever he heard her name, he would get angry. It took him months to realise that his anger wasn’t directed towards Y/N, but himself. He let her get away. He was scared to open up. He got defensive, rude, nasty. He broke her heart and stomped on it as he left. All for what?

Drew knew nothing of the relationship between the two, just that they were once friends. He didn’t pry, nor did he try to figure out why the two didn’t talk, he simply made sure to comfort Y/N in anyway after a long day.

Things came to a head very quickly as they hit their 12th show of the tour. The entirety of the trip had been tense. There were very few photos of Calum captured, blatant ignorance as Calum tried to speak to Y/N and many outbursts of anger from the pair. Ashton and Michael had enough.

One fine, aesthetically pleasing Tuesday afternoon, the two broke the ambient air with their shouting. All because of the lack of Calum content on the band Instagram.

“If I see one more comment asking for more Calum, I might scream. There’s enough me content. We don’t need him,” Michael whined, scrolling through Instagram on his phone as Y/N sat next to him, back leaned against Drew, laptop on her lap.

“I think we might need to get some more pictures of the man up there, Y/N,” Luke said, his voice soft, eyes softer. He sent her a sympathetic smile, knowing exactly why there is an acute lack of the Maori man.

Calum scoffed from the other side of the room. They were all situated in Ashton’s hotel room, empty pizza boxes on the tables and floor in front of them. “Why would she do that?”

“Cal,” Luke warned, only to be interrupted by his other friend.

“Sorry, I didn’t think I was good enough to take pictures of you,” Y/N spat, not looking up from her device. “Do it yourself. After all, any genius could do it, right?” The venom made everybody recoil, bar Calum.

He made an interested sound, walking closer to where she was sitting. “Tough words, careful. You might up and run away again, Y/N.” He was mad. She had left them all. She didn’t even give him the chance to talk about it when he wasn’t angry. She blocked his number as soon as she left. She cut him out of her life.

Y/N slammed her laptop shut, standing faster than anybody expected. Her and Calum were practically face-to-face at this point. Ashton was on his feet, surprised at the speed of escalation. “My time of taking photos of narcissistic, degrading assholes is over. Go find somebody else to toy with, Calum.”

“Still playing the victim, are we-“

“Enough!” Ashton had hit his point. For too long, the pair had been making the trip uncomfortable. It was putting a strain on the performance of everybody, and now causing issues with the fans. “Y/N sit down. Calum you sit over there and shut your damn mouth for a minute. Everybody else, get out.” It was rare for Ashton to lose his cool. He was the most composed of all of them, and often played the part of the most mature band member. It was a well known fact that when Ashton had enough, it was time for things to be sorted before shit hit the fan for good. As he ordered, everybody filed out except for the two in question. Y/N sat with a scowl on her face, arms folded across her chest as she chewed at the inside of her cheek. Calum sat on the bed across the room, facing the other direction for fear of lashing out again.

“Ashton what is going on-“

“Zip it, sugarface,” he raised a finger to Y/N silencing her with the gesture. “Enough is enough. This shit keeps going on and it is affecting all of us.” His brow was furrowed deep, jaw set and red hair mirroring his mood adequately. “Calum, you fucked up big time. Y/N you ran off and cut all contact. We have 7 hours until our show, and our sound check starts in 4 hours. You have two and a half to sort this shit out, or we will sort out other arrangements.”

“Ashton, this really isn’t necessary-“

“I don’t care. I’m leaving now and you’re stuck in here. I suggest sorting this out because we have all had enough of it.”

Y/N nodded, watching Calum closely across the room. He stayed silent, back still turned towards his friend and the woman he loved. This was his chance to explain everything, but it could also be his change to ruin things more than they already are. Given his track record, he wouldn’t be surprised if the tables shifted in favour of the latter.

The door closed behind Ashton, silence enveloping the room and making the air more heavy. Y/N felt the discomfort settle on top of the air, weighing it down on her skin until she felt as if her head were spinning.

Half an hour passed. They sat on either sides of the room still, both holding their words in out of spite.

“Why did you leave?” The words fell from his lips before he could think about them. It had been playing on his mind for so long. After a few days, when he had cooled down, he wanted to call her. He wanted to tell her that he was scared and angry and frustrated at himself. That he didn’t want somebody like her to be ruined by him and the life he lived.

“What?” She snipped, not looking up from her phone.

“Why did you leave?” He repeated.

A humorless laugh left her lips, much like the night he saw her last. “You’re joking, right? How could you expect me to stay after that?”

He finally turned to face her, she looked disinterested. Her attention was on her phone - probably messaging drew, he thought - and definitely not on the conversation they were meant to be having. Even after so long, she was still so beautiful in his eyes. Her temper was overwhelming, but she never showed anger towards another unless she had been wrong, and boy, did he do her wrong.

“I tried to apologise, Y/N. I called you, texted-“

“And I waited, Calum.” She was mad, yet calm. Her eyes were burning with fury, jaw clenched hard as she gritted words through teeth. “I waited two days. I got nothing from you, you ignored my calls, and I had enough.”

He huffed, a heavy breath leaving his nostrils, “So because I ignored you for a few days, you left? You left us without a photographer, without a friend, just to go screw around with the Chainsmokers?” He was angry. So was she. He was standing. She was sitting, phone clenched between white knuckles.

“I left,” she was on her feet now, almost chest-to-chest with him and radiating far more anger than he had ever seen, “because you not only degraded and embarrassed me, you criticized my career. I was terrified to open up to you. I knew you wouldn’t feel the same because I was hold never be good enough for you, but I tried. I tried to be open and all I got was made a mockery out of and told that I was practically worthless in my position working with the band.” She stepped closer to him, now at a point where they could stare at one another. Her phone had been thrown aside now, flung from her fingers as she stood. “I spent seven years with you all. I was there for you through everything. I fell in love with you, Calum. And you destroyed it within an hour.”

Her words were venomous, cutting deep along Calum’s heart and allowing the reality to finally, completely, sink in. He caused this. He made her leave because he treated her confession as a joke. He is the reason she is with Drew now, no longer his friend, or his lover. Or even his coworker. It is all his fault.

He slumped down onto the seat next to him, holding his head in his hands and trying to compose himself. He couldn’t even apologise, for he didn’t trust his voice.

“I gave you everything, Calum, and you threw it back in my face. How could I stick around?” She couldn’t look at him. Whether it was out of anger or sadness, or even fear of him making a fool of her again. She couldn’t bring herself to do it, so she turned around, staring out of the window of the hotel room.

They had a nice view, and she allowed it to distract her eyes from harboring tears.

She heard the rustling of fabric behind her, along with the creak of the chair beneath Calum. The soft padding on carpet told her that he was walking closer to her.

“I-“ he started, taking in a breath. She could hear the emotion. “I can’t begin to tell you how much I hate myself for what I did to you that day, Y/N.” He had tears streaming down his face, she could see so in the reflection in the window. “I don’t know why I said those things. I should never have told you that you weren’t good enough, or insulted the career that you built for yourself. I’ve been replaying that day over and over since it happened, Y/N. I knew that I loved you four years ago, and hearing you say it, after I tried my hardest to push down those feelings - I don’t know why but I got so defensive-“

“Shut your mouth.” She hissed, turning and allowing her anger to resurface. “For fuck sakes, Calum. Don’t try and play with my head again. You didn’t love me, not like that.”

“I loved you more than I have loved anybody else, Y/N.” He whispered, voice steady and his eyes not leaving hers. He was telling the truth, and they both knew it. “I fell in love with you so many years ago. I didn’t want to do anything to ruin this, but then you told me what I had been dying to hear for so long.” He sniffed, brushing tears away aggressively as he pressed his palms into his eyes. “I’m an idiot.”

“I can’t help but agree with you.” Y/N turned away from the window, the view no longer appealing as her own reflection became far too evident, along with Calum’s.

Another few minutes passed, both now situated in the seats they previously occupied. Y/N had her knees pulled up to her chest, picking at her fingernails. Calum was staring at his feet.

“I’ve found that if I close my eyes, I can sometimes pretend that Drew is you,” Y/N whispered. Her voice was full of pain. She was still processing the information that Calum had fed her. Still trying to figure out what to say to him. She figured the truth was better than anything. “I want - I wanted a future with you, Calum. I wanted to be able to wake up knowing that the man I loved, loved me back. That the man who knew me better than anybody else, was there with me. Hearing you say those things to me was the worst thing I could have experienced.”

“Y/N, I-“

“I hate to say it, but I still love you. I still wish that every time I fell asleep with Drew, it was you beside me. It’s easy to pretend.” Her own tears fell. “I can’t forgive you so easily. I can’t just forget everything that you said. I can’t forget how much I want to be with you.”

“Just one more chance, Y/N, please?” Calum was focused solely on her. He was ready and willing to be down on his knees, begging to have her in his life again. Not even for love. He would be fine to simply be able to watch a movie with her, joke with her. Love her like he did before. “I know I can’t make up for it right now, but I love you so much. I would spend the rest of my life showing you how sorry I am, if you would let me. You deserve far better than me.”

For possibly the millionth time, Y/N was at a loss for words. Calum kept his vulnerability from many people, but Y/N could often read him like a book. Unfortunately, he could do the same for her.

“You don’t need to give me an answer right now, we have a few more months of the tour left. Whatever you decide, I’ll be fine with. You never want to see me again, I’ll stay away. You want to give me a second chance, and I will spend every day of our life together making up for all of the years that I kept my mouth shut and the horrible things I said to you and the pain I caused you for the past nine months.”

A sob tore from her throat, her eyes clenched as she let his words hit her soul.

Thankfully, the door clicked. It opened cautiously, a head of red hair poking through, Ashton eyeing the pair warily.

“I can’t do this right now, Cal,” Y/N blurted, taking the chance to rise to her feet and push past Ashton and the other guys. Drew watched after her with confusion, as did Luke and Michael.

Ashton glared at Calum, “You suck at apologizing.”

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