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bbrissonn · 9 months

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𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 - 𝐋𝐮𝐤𝐞 𝐇𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐞𝐬

summary: you and luke share your first i love you's disclaimer: english is not my first language and this is not proofread so please excuse any errors and if any words are missing add them in your head :) also this is a work of fiction, this doesn’t reflect how these boys act in real life, and it isn’t how i imagine them acting

warnings: mention of sex, but no description of it at the end, not proofread,

pairing: luke hughes x y/n zegras (lemon au)

wc: 1.8k

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-EARLY MARCH '23-

A soft chuckle escaped your mouth as you threw your head back, one of your hand landing on your boyfriend’s thigh as a small laugh of his own could be heard in his bedroom. You were currently in Luke’s room, having come back from the west coast only hours ago and your boyfriend deciding to, as you called i earlier, kidnap you for the rest of the day.

Thankfully, you arrived in Ann Arbor early in the afternoon, and for the first time in a week, the Michigan men’s hockey team had the day off, meaning the two of you had been locked away in his room since you arrived.

Luke had been preparing for this moment ever since you left, making a couple of trips to target to get you some your favourite candies and chocolat, as well as some stupid things he found that he knew you’d find hilarious. When you walked into his room earlier, blankets were pilled on his bed, snacks surrounding the pill, a couple of your favourite candles lit up on his desk as well.

“Luke!” You gasped as your eyes landed on his bed, a cute teddy bear sitting on the top of the blanket pill along with some flowers. “You didn’t have to.” You added, turning your head to look at him with a smile.

“I wanted to. I’ve missed you.” He stated, his eyes staring lovingly into yours. A small tint of red appeared on your cheeks as you threw your arms around his neck, his going around your waist. The two of you held each other close for what felt like hours, but only being a couple of minutes, until Ethan walked past the wide opened bedroom door, gagging as he walked away.

“Guys, I think we might have to go buy some earplugs for tonight.” You could faintly hear Ethan’s voice coming from the living room, making you pull away from your boyfriend.

“Shut up Edwards!” You yelled out before closing Luke’s door shut. When you turned around, Luke was now standing near his dresser, emptying your suitcase into your reserved drawer. “Oh, Lemon, you don’t need to.” You cooed as you walked towards him, grabbing the shirt he was currently holding in his hands before placing it in with the rest.

“It’s weird seeing you so tan in the middle of winter.” He said, his eyes watching your every move. His words made you look up at him, sending him a soft smile.

“It’s spring in like two weeks, dumb dumb.” You laughed, making the boy roll his eyes before grabbing both of your hands and leading you towards the bed.

“Shut up.” He mumbled before pressing his lips to yours, the back of your knees hitting his mattress. The next thing you knew, Luke was sitting on the bed, with you on his laps, lips molded together as you shared small kisses.

“Movie?” He asked after a couple of minutes of kisses and smiles. You nodded eagerly before grabbing the flowers he had gotten and carefully placing them on his desk, not too close to the candles. As you walked back over to the bed, Luke was messily throwing the blankets everywhere as the snacks were now all resting on his night stand.

“Remind me to put them in water, later.” You told me as you joined him on the bed, resting your head on his chest as he threw a bunch of blankets over the two of you, a bag of popcorn opened next to him.

Over the next ten minutes or so, the two of you argued about which movie you should watch. You wanted to watch Lilo and Stich, while Luke wanted to watch The Parent Trap. Eventually, after loads of puppy dog eyes from the youngest Hughes, you agreed to watch his movie.

“Where you going?” You whispered an hour into the movie and Luke slowly wiggled his way out of your burito blanket.

“Bathroom, I’ll be back, hon.” He responded, pressing a small kiss to your forehead before quietly leaving the room. You let out a happy sigh as the door closed behind him, feeling content with being back in the bed you had spent so many hours in since the two of you started dating.

You let your eyes wonder around the room, one that you could describe with your eyes closed, only your eyes were caught on a picture frame that you were sure wasn’t there when you left the previous week. Slowly, you made your way out of the bed and walked over to the pretty empty bookshelf in his room.

A small smile appeared on your face as your hands grabbed the frame, his mom had taken after one of his game, Luke still in his full hockey gear besides his helmet, the two of you holding each other with wide smiles one your faces. You were standing side by side, your eyes focused on Ellen, who was behind the phone, while Like was staring at you. You ran your fingers over your boyfriend’s face, butterflies erupting in your stomach at the way he looked at you.

“You’re not snooping, are you, love?” Luke asked with a smirk as he walked back into the room. As soon as he was where you were standing and the smile on your face, he knew that you had found the frame, not that he tried to hide it, he was just surprised it took you so long to notice it.

“Me? Never.” You joked as the Hughes boy now stood behind you, his arms wrapping around your waist as his chin leaned down on your shoulder.

“Mom gave it to me when I went over for dinner last week.” He whispered before pressing a kiss to your neck, making you hum in response.

“It’s cute. You’re cute.” You answered, your free hand reaching back to the back of his head, playing with the small hairs on his neck. Your head turned to the side, your eyes meeting as you exchanged smiles, Luke’s eyes then looking down at your lips.

“You’r cuter, though.” He spoke softly before leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss to your lips. You closed your eyes as you kissed him back, smiling against his lips. Eventually, the two of you pulled away, your foreheads resting against each other as your eyes locked together, wide smiles on your faces.

“I’ve realized something while you were gone.”

“Yeah? And what’s that?” You asked, quickly pecking him. The hand that once rested on the back of his neck now running throught his hair on the top of his head.

“I love you.” He confessed, his smile still wide on his face. Meanwhile, yours slowly fell, not sure how you felt about his confession. “You don’t have to say it back if you’re not ready. I just wanted to let you know.” He added, one of his hand leaving your waist, cupping your cheek.

“I…” You started, your eyes leaving his to look down at the frame you were holding as he pressed a kiss to your forehead. There was no doubt in your mind that you loved him just as much as he loved you, you had known for a while how you felt, but you didn’t know how to tell him. “Luke―”

“Sorry to interrupt, but the guys and I are ordering doordash, you guys want anything?” Duker cut you off, entering the room without knocking since Luke hadn’t completely closed the door when he walked back in. At the sound of the older boy’s voice, you cleared your throat slightly, slipping out of Luke’s hold on you.

“I am good, thanks.” You told the foreward, sitting down in your previous place on the bed, the frame pictures having been put back in it’s spot before you left your boyfriend’s side.

“No thanks, Duker.” Luke answered. Dylan nodded slightly, ignorant to the slight tension that was built up in the room, before leaving, closing the door behind himself. The youngest Hughes was now leaning against his desk, his arms crossed lazily over his chest as his eyes looked at you. Just as he was about to say something, you pushed yourself off his bed, your phone in your hand.

“I need to use the bathroom.” You said and slipped out of the room before he had time to say anything, leaving him alone with his thoughts in his bedroom. As soon as you entered the washroom, you locked the door, sitting down on the closed toilet as you opened your text chain with your oldest brother.

Y/N/N

trevor

trevor answer me

im serious trev

trevuh

whats up?

Y/N/N

luke told me he loved me…

trevuh

…

you’re joking right?

Y/N/N

dead serious

now im hiding in the bathroom

i freaked out and left

trevuh

hold up

how long have you guys been together to be saying the L word

Y/N/N

trev that’s not important right now

i am freaking out and idk what to do

trevuh

well uh do you love him?

Y/N/N

yea duh

trevuh

then just tell him duh

Y/N/N

but what if it ruins everything?

trevuh

Gosh Y/N/N ur being stupid

just tell him dumbass

now stop bothering me

You let out a groan at Trevor’s answer, but deep down you knew he was right. All you had to do was just tell Luke how you felt, say those three little words, eight letters, how hard could it be right?

After about a minute, waiting to see if Trevor was going to say anything else, you slowly made your way back to Luke’s room. When you walked in, he was now laying on his bed, phone in one hand as he bit the nails of his other hand, something you knew he did when he was nervous.

Once he heard the door open and saw you walking back into the room, he quickly dropped his phone, pushing himself up so he was sitting up. The two of you were silent, sitting next to each other on the bed before Luke spoke first.

“I am sorry if I made things weird earlier. I never wanted to―”

“I love you.” You cut him off, a smile appearing on your face before repeating those three words. “I love you, Lemon.” You told him, one of your hand reaching out to cup his cheek, your thumb rubbing the tissue under his eyes. “So much.”

“I love you, Y/N Zegras.” He mumbled before both of his hand flew to your waist, pulling you on top of him.

“Full name, huh?”

“Shut up.” He said before pulling you into a passionate kiss. Smiling against each other’s lips as your hands flew to his head, running your finger through his curls, pulling here and now. Soon, your pieces of clothing were lost, now on the ground around his bed, sounds of pleasure echoing in the room.

“I told you we’d need earplugs.” Ethan told his roommates, turning up the volume of the TV in the living room.

#bri writes #luke hughes #luke hughes imagine #luke hughes x reader #luke hughes fic #luke hughes blurb #luke hughes fluff #luke hughes x y/n zegras #lemon au #trevor zegras #umich hockey

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therealcocoshady · 3 months

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Recovery - Chapter 2

Eminem x Reader (Y/N) fanfiction

Summary : Marshall takes Y/N for a drive and they open up about their sobriety experiences.

Tags : mentions of substance abuse

The drive wasn’t very long but it was kind of silent. You did not really know what to say, so you kept to yourself, as Marshall was driving. After a short while, you arrived to some sort of observatory, from where you could see the whole city of Detroit. The view was breathtaking. It was starting to get dark so you could see the lights from the building.

- Woah, you said as you got out of the car.

- Nice, huh ? Marshall asked.

- Definitely better than my room, you admitted.

- It’s one of my favourite places in the city, he explained. When I started recovery, I thought I was going crazy, staying in my house. So I started coming here everyday. Sometimes for twenty minutes. Sometimes for hours. But at least it got me up from the couch and out of the house.

- The city looks great from here, you said. I can’t believe I’ve never been here before.

- It’s not highly touristic, Marshall explained. Not many people know about it. That’s what is so great.

- I have to admit I haven’t explored much of Detroit yet, you said.

- For how long have you been here ? He asked.

- About four years now. I came to get my Master’s degree, as an exchange student at University of Michigan. And then I got a PhD fellowship so I took the opportunity to stay. Plus, I got together with Simon around the same time so it kind of felt like it was meant to be.

- Simon’s your boyfriend ?

- Ex, you quickly corrected. We split up. Actually, he left when I was in the hospital. Hence the living situation with Jamal and Talia, who were kind enough to take me in.

- I see, Marshall said. So he left you because of the OD ?

- Kind of.

Without really thinking about it, you proceeded to tell him about the breakup. Something about Marshall made it easy to talk. He was easy-going and made you feel safe, as if you had known him forever and could share everything with him.

- I really thought we were endgame, you said. We were talking about getting married eventually. And having kids, too…

You stopped talking as you felt a knot forming in your stomach. Simply mentioning your plans of having kids with Simon brought back the memories of the miscarriage. That very event had been the beginning of the end for the two of you. Even though Simon had been saddened by the miscarriage, it hadn’t affected him much. You were the one who gad to deal with the days of bleeding, cramping and crying. You had become attached to this baby and had troubles coming to terms with the loss of this pregnancy. Simon, on the other hand, seemed to be doing just fine.

- We’ll try again, he had said. It happens. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, you know ?

Even though you knew he was right, you were hurt. It wasn’t about trying again. It was about processing your loss and grieving. It felt as if Simon had moved on as soon as you’d been told there was no heartbeat anymore. As time went on, you felt unable to talk about your grief, your pain and the trauma. So you started using more and more pills.

- YN ? You heard Marshall’s voice pulling you back to reality.

- Sorry, you said apologising profusely. I got in my head.

- It’s ok. Breakups are hard to talk about, he said. You’re really strong, you know ? With everything you’re going through right now.

- I kind of brought it on myself, you said sheepishly. If I hadn’t been using, I wouldn’t be going through this breakup right now.

- You never know what could have been. You just need to focus on getting better right now.

- Any wisdom to share ? You asked with genuine interest.

In fifteen years of sobriety, you assumed he had gained some wisdom you could use.

- Don’t be afraid to talk. Like, ever. In fact, I think that staying silent and alone with your thoughts makes you insanely more vulnerable and at risk for a relapse. Also, there are thousands of things I could tell you right now, but the only thing that matters is that, as lonely as you may feel, there are many, many people going through the same thing. You are not alone. Your road to recovery doesn’t have to be a lonely one.

He smiled and got closer to you as he spoke. He gently put a hand on your shoulder.

- You may lose people in the process but that doesn’t mean you can’t be surrounded by love and support, he finally said.

You felt a little lump in your throat and, for a second, you thought you’d cry.

- How did you get over the disappointment you caused people ? You asked, looking into his piercing blue eyes.

- By making amends and, mostly, creating new memories with them. The hardest thing for me was letting my family down, especially my children. I missed Christmas with them when I OD’d. I’ll never have that time back. But I make a point of sharing meaningful moments with them now. More than ever before, he said.

- Do they resent you ? You shyly asked.

- I’m pretty sure they did. My daughter is the one who found me unconscious, two hours away from dying. I guess the kids did suffer from my absence. They needed me as a parent, not as a burden. But I’m better now, I’m present and I’m here for them. That’s what matters. It’s in the past, now. What matters the most to me is that they know I love them.

You watched Marshall’s eyes as he gazed upon the horizon. Obviously, talking about his kids struck a chord.

- You seem like a great dad, you said. Your kids are lucky to have you.

- I try to be. To be fair, they’re the ones who are great. I owe them everything.

- Tell me about them, you asked.

The way Marshall spoke of his daughters sparked your interest. The sparkle in his eyes when he mentioned them warmed your heart and you could only hope that, one day, you would be so lucky to have kids you could love as much. Obviously, he loved talking about his daughters and bragging about them. You couldn’t help but think it must be a bit odd for them to have Eminem as a dad, growing up.

You chuckled at the thought of your own Dad, who was so different than Marshall, even though they were about the same age.

- What is so funny ? He asked with a smile. Sorry, I’m such a geek when I talk about my kids.

- No, it’s not that ! You reassured him. I was thinking of my father. I think you’re about his age but somehow you’re… cooler, I guess ?

- You’re only saying that because I’m not your father, Marshall assured you.

- Pretty sure not, you insisted.

After all, you highly doubted that Marshall’s daughters would trade their rapper father for yours. Maybe it was a matter of culture, but Marshall was warmer, more emotionally available.

- Are you close to your parents ?Marshall asked. They must be proud of you, getting your PhD and stuff.

- My mom died when I was two so I don’t have a lot of memories of her. I was raised by my father and his new wife. We’re not really close but I guess you could say they’re kind of proud, you explained.

- Do they know about your OD ?

- No, you admitted shyly. I couldn’t disappoint them like that. How would you react if the same thing happened to one of your girls ?

- I don’t think I’d be disappointed, Marshall said after a few seconds of thoughts. I’d be scared, concerned and, frankly, disappointed in myself if they ever felt the need to hide this from me. My job is to be there for them, come what may. If you were my daughter, I would want you to know that.

- Well, my Dad would never forgive me, you said without a thought.

- I think the forgiveness that matters the most is your own, he pointed out.

Marshall’s words meant a lot to you. Talking to him so candidly felt so good.

- What if I can’t forgive myself, Marshall ? You asked with tears welling in your eyes.

- You can. You deserve to, Y/N. Just because you fucked up doesn’t mean it’s over for you. You deserve to have great things coming your way, he replied as he pulled you in for a hug.

- But I’m a failure, you pointed out. I lied to everyone, I screwed everything up with Simon and even Talia doesn’t trust me anymore. I don’t even deserve you being so nice to me. Why are you so nice to me ?! You blurted out.

A smile started to form on Marshall’s lips.

- Because kindness isn’t meant to be deserved anyway, He said. When I got sober, I had amazing people helping me out. I always told myself I’d do the same for anyone else in need, he explained. And you may think you deserve to have everyone hating you, but the truth is, I haven’t heard anything but good things about you from Talia and Jamal. They love you and they think the world of you. That tells me you’re pretty cool.

You let out a laugh and dried your tears.

- Thank you, Marshall. For everything.

- My pleasure, Y/N.

The two of you kept on gazing at the lights of the city for a while, making small talk. At some point, you found yourself shivering. Marshall offered you his jacket but you felt kind of tired and asked if he would mind driving you back instead. On the way home, you stared at him and realised that, even though you’d just met him, you felt insanely comfortable around him. You were thankful for making his acquaintance. Also, you couldn’t help but tell yourself he looked as good as he was kind - which was saying something. He wasn’t really your usual type but you found him quite appealing. And you started blushing as soon as you realised that you were kind of attracted to someone who was old enough to be your father. You shrugged it off and told yourself that it was probably your vulnerability playing you.

When you arrived at Talia and Jamal’s, he stopped the car and stepped out to open your door. He hugged you goodbye and reached for his necklace before handing it to you.

- It helped me through some tough times, I hope it does the same for you, he said before kissing your forehead.

- Won’t you need it though ? You asked.

- I’m good, he simply said. Take care, Y/N.

You smiled and waved goodbye as he got back to the car. You had no idea as to whether you’d see him again or not, but it did not really matter in this moment. You felt as if there was purpose in the moments you just shared. Even if you never crossed path again, you knew you’d forever be thankful for him. You put the necklace around your neck and entered the house with a smile on your face.

- Well, someone looks cheerful, Talia said as you walked through the door.

- Yeah, we had a great talk, you said. He is very nice. Is everyone gone ?

- They went out to dinner, she said. I stayed so that you wouldn’t come home to an empty place.

- You didn’t have to !

- I don’t mind, really. Plus, I think it’s good for Jamal.

- He loves having you around, you pointed out. And everyone seems to like you too !

- They’re super cool, she admitted. But I can do without the boys’ talk, she added with a grin. Plus, now, I have a live-in bestie ! A bestie with a necklace that definitely rings a bell, she pointed out.

As soon as those words left her mouth, you knew you were in for a long series of questions.

#eminem #eminem x reader #marshall mathers #eminem fanfiction #slim shady #eminem fluff #eminem imagine #marshall mathers imagine #marshall mathers x reader #marshall mathers headcanons

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spicycinnabun · 2 months

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pt. 1 2 4 🧜🏻‍♂️

Mickey glanced up from his book when he heard a soft splashing in the water near him. He thought maybe it was a bird that had landed by the boat, but…

“Holy fuckin' Christ!”

Mickey jerked back. That had to be the biggest goddamn goldfish he’d ever seen. Or maybe it was a giant man-eating fish that wanted him for dinner. Mickey didn’t know what the fuck lived in the lake. Jesus, did Lake Michigan have sharks? Either way, it was quickly coming in his direction.

He scrambled to stand up, getting his legs out of the water in case whatever it was decided to take a nice big chunk out of him. His book slid off his lap and fell into the lake with a plop that he barely noticed because he was too busy watching the glittering…

Wow, those colors…

Mickey blinked a few times, dumbfounded by its beauty, as it twisted and twirled in the water, doing a little dance. His fingers suddenly itched for his markers and drawing pad. At the same time, he shook his head quickly to snap himself out of it and reached for the gun in his shorts’ pocket.

It was just instinct, alright? Could you shoot a fucking fish in the water? Mickey didn’t know!

Mickey aimed and loaded, finger poised on the trigger as it got closer and closer. He grunted in shock when he saw a human torso. His eyes couldn’t comprehend what they were seeing. Was the fish eating a guy already, and the guy was trying to swim away?

“What the fuck?!”

Ian knew that he had gotten too close—that he had been spotted—when he heard shouts above the surface of the water. For some reason, he didn’t feel scared. He popped his head out of the water to check, bright green eyes widening when he saw the short, raven-haired land fish pointing a peculiar object at him.

Mickey was losing his goddamn mind. That was a red, curly-haired head of a guy probably not much younger than himself. His eyes were so bright they were twinkling, catching the sun mesmerizingly. And down below the water, though it was blurry, was a fucking fishtail. Attached to the guy. Half fish, half man. Mer…merman. Mickey gulped.

Then the guy opened his mouth—an alluringly pink mouth—and let out an unearthly sound.

It wasn’t unpleasant. It was soft, almost like music, caressing Mickey’s eardrums. His grip went slack on the gun, and he dropped it in the water, watching with a dazed expression as the merman (fuck, man, this really couldn’t be happening to him) dove below the water to fetch it.

Ian smiled up a storm as he resurfaced. “What is this thing?” he asked, holding the heavy contraption by the barrel and pointing it at himself. It wasn’t so scary now that the land fish didn’t have it. Ian looked up, distracted again as he took in the colorful markings on the land fish’s arms. “Whoa, cool scales!”

Mickey’s head cleared whiplash fast. He lifted his hands in alarm. “Jesus, don’t fuckin’—be careful! It’s a fuckin’ gun. What the fuck do you think? It’s loaded, don’t pull the trigger.”

The guy had a grin on his face like he’d just opened a fucking Christmas present. Maybe he was a dimwit, Mickey didn’t know—he also didn’t know why his heart lurched into his fucking throat. And he was thrown by the compliment. Cool scales. What? What?

Mickey was more concerned about the gun that could be turned towards himself any second.

“Fuckin’ gun,” Ian repeated, looking at it. Something to be careful with. Don’t pull the trigger? (What was a trigger?) He furrowed his brow, not wanting to keep holding something that could hurt either of them. Maybe it was like a harpoon. Ian had seen fish being harpooned by humans many times. It was awful.

Mickey might’ve barked a laugh if the guy hadn’t been holding the gun. He didn’t know what a gun was? Was he insane or just great at acting?

“Look, can you put that down?” Mickey gestured towards the stern—poopdeck, whatever. He was… thirty percent sure now the guy wasn’t out to eat him. “I won't hurt you. I’ll put it away.”

Ian contemplated it only momentarily, then put the gun down on the boat.

Mickey held his breath and slowly crouched to grab it. He kept his eyes on the merman as he lifted the red seating cushion from one side of the boat, which was also a storage space. He nearly shot himself in the foot first, though, at the following words that left the merman’s mouth.

“I knew that you weren’t going to hurt me. You sounded so scared. You don’t look scary. You look pretty,” Ian complimented. “I’m not going to hurt you either.”

Mickey choked on his spit and blushed crimson—something he hadn’t done since he was about fourteen, and his sister caught him with his hand down his pants, jerkin’ it to one of the heartthrobs in her Seventeen magazine.

He hastily clicked the safety on and dropped the gun in the storage compartment, closing it. Pretty? How the fuck was he supposed to respond to that? The guy said it with such honest fuckin’ sincerity, too. Didn’t seem to be yanking no chains.

Mickey really didn’t know what the fuck to do, so he decided to ignore it, shoulders relaxing slowly. This merman was acting more like a puppy than a human-eating monster.

Ian swam closer to splash Mickey with his tail, presenting himself and showing it off. Maybe he could be friends with the lovely land fish.

The rush of cold water hit Mickey’s chest and made him shout again. “Ay!”

Ian loved that reaction. What a funny noise. He knew the land fish would be grateful since he looked so hot. That was the worst part about being above the water, or so he imagined. Ian hated being hot and only was when he was above the surface for too long.

The combination of his sunburnt skin and the cold lake water felt fucking freezing. Water dripped down Mickey’s chest, leaving a wet patch on his shorts, already drying from the relentless heat. But he felt an insatiable urge to get a closer look at that flapper.

Before he knew it, Mickey was sitting on the edge of the boat again, watching the sunlight hit iridescent, shiny scales in colors he wondered if he’d even be able to recreate on paper. Probably not. He wasn’t a goddamn Picasso.

Stopping himself before he did something like reach out, Mickey returned the merman’s gaze. Then something occurred to him, and he felt like the most gullible asshole on the planet. “Is that a fuckin’ costume?”

Of course it was. Maybe this guy was one of those weird cosplayer people. The ones that dressed up like crazy characters from their favorite shows and pretended to be them and shit.

Mickey knew some girls liked buying fake mermaid tales to swim with and pretend to be mermaids. Maybe this was just that on an… extreme level. It all looked so real.

Ian was happy that the land fish had settled, looking comfortable again. He followed Mickey’s gaze to his tail. “My what? That’s my tail.”

Mickey paused, then shook his head. “You need a ride back to your boat or somethin’, man?”

Not that Mickey could give him one, now that he’d lost his fuckin’ book and had no idea how to sail anywhere.

“I don’t have a boat. Don’t need one, obviously,” Ian replied. He flicked his tail again pointedly. Maybe this land fish wasn’t so smart.

Mickey raised his eyebrows, amused now that he knew he wasn't going crazy and talking to an actual fucking merman. “Right, course,” he replied.

If the guy wanted to keep up his weird charade, who the fuck was Mickey to stop him? It could have also been the fact that the “merman” was otherworldly levels of attractive and was sort of flirting with him, that Mickey didn’t tell him to just cut the psycho bullshit.

There weren’t many pretty guys in the clink—and if there were, they hadn’t been able to scratch that particular itch Mickey needed scratching. Mickey hadn’t had a proper tumble in over two years. He wouldn't be too choosy about sticking his dick in crazy if it meant finally getting scratched.

“Do you need help getting back to the shore?” Ian asked worriedly. “Boats like this aren’t normally out this far. Not that I want you to go…"

It was refreshing to see a young, hot land fish all the way out near the findom. Ian started to swim around Mickey's dangling feet, needing to burn off some energy. He was too excited.

“Ah fuck, I did come out too far then. Kinda what I thought.” Mickey scratched at his jaw and his itchy five o‘clock shadow.

That was a real problem, but if his new acquaintance knew how to work those sails and take him back, that’d work. And it was probably just an excuse to get back to wherever the fuck the guy came from.

Mickey watched the graceful loops around his legs the merman was performing. He must’ve practiced for a long time to get that good at wearing the tail. He didn’t seem tired at all.

“A’right, fish boy, hop aboard. You’re gonna have to de-tail yourself, though. Promise I won’t look.” He wondered if the guy would go as far as flopping around on the boat like an actual fish out of water.

Ian stopped swimming around, glaring up at the land fish. “I’m not a fish boy. I’m a merman. Also, I have a name. It’s Ian.”

Ian couldn’t go onto the boat. He couldn’t be out of the water that long, let alone help sail the boat or take off his tail. What the fuck?

Mickey almost chuckled. The power of that glare was pretty impressive… but still amusing as hell. “Oh. I see.”

Ian’s glare vanished. He grabbed one of Mickey’s legs and gave it a tug, pulling it further into the water. “Come swim with me. I wanna play, don’t you? I can push you in the right direction after we have some fun.”

Mickey quickly grabbed onto the side of the boat, inching his way back when his butt slid to the very edge, heart going slightly faster at the thought of falling in and sinking right down into the dark depths below.

His brows furrowed skeptically at the invitation and the fact that the guy wasn’t planning on getting on the boat. Maybe he was just nervous. Mickey had almost shot him, after all. But they were in the middle of the fucking lake, and unless he was planning on swimming to shore, he would have to get on eventually.

“I don’t think so, man,” Mickey said just as Ian went for his feet, nipping at his ankles playfully. Mickey jerked them away from him. Jesus, those teeth were sharp! He kicked at Ian but only ended up splashing him. “What the fuck! Ay! Stop bitin’ me, you fuckin’ piranha!”

Ian ducked the kicks, laughing up a storm and causing small waves as he just got splashed. He enjoyed that thoroughly. He was already having so much fun. He was glad now that he had been spotted. Usually, he wouldn’t dare get this close to a human, but he had a really good feeling about this one.

“Land fish tastes pretty good,” Ian teased, licking his lips.

“Land fish? I’m human, bitch. And I got a name. It’s Mickey.” Imitating Ian’s earlier attitude, Mickey huffed. His stomach was acting weird, doing little somersaults as he listened to that strangely melodic, joyful laughter. He’d never heard anyone sound so carefree. “Yeah, I’m not lookin’ to be fish food today, sorry.”

“Human bitch,” Ian repeated. Was that a different kind of human? Ian hadn’t heard of the human bitch before, but it was obvious now that Mickey… was different. Ian smiled. He liked the human bitch’s name. It was just as cute sounding as he looked.

Jesus Christ. “No, that’s not—” Mickey rubbed his face. God, this guy was fucking deranged. A human parrot who wanted to be a fish. “You know what? Forget it.”

Ian calmed and leaned back into the water, putting his hands behind his head and looking up at Mickey. “I wish you’d join me. It’s so hot above water.”

Mickey took his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and lit one, taking a deep pull as he watched the wannabe merman. As if he needed reminding of how fucking hot it was outside. He was burning to a crisp on deck, while Flipper down there was cool and refreshed.

Mickey exhaled his smoke, tongue dry in his mouth and sweat rolling down his spine as his gaze roved over the impressive body stretched out, glittering and glistening beneath him. Mickey squinted a little against the sunlight, trying not to let his eyes stay on the spot where Ian’s dick was hiding beneath his tail. There wasn’t any indication of a bulge there, so he probably wasn’t packing much.

“Can ya do any tricks then?” Mickey asked, changing the subject. “Little flips, merman parkour on the coral?”

Ian had relaxed long enough. Without a word, he smirked and dove under the water, disappearing from view.

Mickey’s eyebrows climbed to his hairline. He looked around, trying to spot that tail, but saw nothing. A few seconds of silence passed, and Mickey started to feel a little uneasy, with just the noise of the mainsail flapping against the boom where Mickey had lowered it improperly. Then he heard something behind him, and something shot out of the water and flew above him in an arc, right over the boat and then back into the water again.

“Holy shit!” Mickey said, nearly dropping his cigarette onto his shorts.

It was Ian. Mickey, once again, couldn’t believe his fucking eyes. That was actually… that was amazing. Mickey’s jaw was practically in his lap. He’d only just managed to close his mouth by the time Ian resurfaced.

“How in the fuck did you do that?” Mickey asked him. “You in the fuckin’ Cirque Du Sun or some shit?”

That had to be it. The crazy makeup, the dancer-like movements, the acrobatics, the ridiculous body. Circus freak, for sure.

Ian laughed at the first question. Before he could answer, Mickey asked a second question that he didn’t understand. He furrowed his brow instead of repeating it and shook his head. “I don’t know what you’re asking me, but that’s one of my favorite things to do when I’m bored or want to show off... I’ve been jumping over things like that since I was a merlad, so I’ve gotten pretty good.”

A merlad. Cute. That was fine. Ian could keep his secrets if he wanted to. Mickey bit his chapped bottom lip. “Mhm.”

“Now it’s your turn to show me something,” Ian said. “It’s only fair.”

If Mickey wouldn’t join him in the water, he could entertain Ian another way.

🌊🧜🏻‍♂️🪸⛵️

co-writing with my ian, @batty4steddie 🩵

#fic #yb #mickey milkovich #ian gallagher #shameless #gallavich #ian x mickey #mickey x ian #gallavich fic #gallavich au #merman au #mermaid au #supernatural au #mermian #merman!ian #🧜🏻‍♂️#sailor!mickey #⛵️#little bit of a longer part for y'all

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sweater-daddiesdumbdork · 2 years

Text

Life If Short So Make It Sweet

Chapter Nine: Life Carries On

Summary- 4.6k Curtis Everett x Plus!Sized Reader. After Halloween proves to be a busy time for you, but you and Curtis manage to secure a Friday night date at Paulie's where you get your chance to talk to Edgar.

Warnings- Some mad and in Edgar's face Curtis. Curtis's death glare from across a bar? Yeah, that would be scary.

A/N- A nice calmer some healing from Edgar's disrespect. I would like to point out that our Reader is actually saying "I deserve better" and before that wouldn't have happened. Yay for growth! Thank you so much to everyone who reads and shares this personal series for me. @what-is-your-plan-today thank you for always giving it a once over. Dividers made by @firefly-graphics

Chapter Eight / Masterlist

Curtis arranged it so that you would pick him up after you were done at the school that day, meaning he could drive Edgar’s car to the train yard. After a perfect Sunday fixing some of the bullshit Edgar caused, Curtis was still wanting to wrangle the idiot's neck.

Chubby Chaser, where the fuck did Edgar even get that bullshit? His mood darkened when he put the car in park and across the lot he saw others trot out of the office, pulling their jackets up to block the wind as the first day of November was not only raining, but it was mixing with sleet. The forecast was calling for snow by the end of the day. Before leaving that morning, he had checked your tires to make sure they would handle the snow and slush just fine.

“Curtis, you do know I am from New England?” You huddled in your driver's seat while the car was warming up, watching as he checked the tread of your car before letting you leave. “My car is ready for winter.” Somewhere the chilly but still tolerable weather on Halloween night had taken a dramatic change and left you with almost winter temps on that November first morning.

He hummed in response as he pushed back up to a stand. “Sure, but have you ever had a Michigan winter? Wind coming off the lake drops down into the negatives almost immediately.”

You narrow your eyes at him while pushing yourself back out of the car. Reaching up to straighten his jacket collar and smooth your hand against his chest. “Okay you got me, this is my first one, but I lived on Lake George. Granted it’s not one of the Great Lakes, but it is still pretty fierce in the winter. Also my father called me two weeks ago reminding me to get the tires put on. But I would have done it regardless, I swear. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Curtis ran a knuckle under your chin and tilted your head up to meet him, placing a quick kiss on the corner of your mouth. “I believe you Honey, sorry. I just want you to be safe, I know I might be over bearing but…” He drifted off, a grim smile was placed and you seemed to dawn in understanding; having lost his family in a car accident made him wary. Your arms wrapped around his waist and you nodded once more to assure him.

“Feel free to check my tires everyday Curtis.”

Curtis pressed his mouth to your forehead, hugging you in a silent thank you. “Come get me at the train yard afterwards? If it's not shitty out, I will take us out before you drop me off at home.”

You broke into a smile. “Deal. Have a good day at work.” You gave a wave of your fingers as you slipped back in behind the driver's seat and pulled out of his driveway, turning towards the school across town.

Curtis braced himself for Edgar as he made his way into the office. Tanya lifted her head from her computer while Curtis clocked in, she grabbed a clipboard and set it at the edge of her desk for Curtis to collect. While he flipped through the day's deliveries as well as the two freight cars that had seized wheels he needed to fix, he started muttering to himself about the scheduling mishaps. “Do they know we need more than fifteen minutes to unload those cars? Gilliam is out of his damn mind thinking we are gonna get it all off that quick in this weather.”

Tanya waved her hand. “Forget that Curtis, is Y/N okay?”

Curtis tucked the clipboard away, his face darkening. “She is perfectly fine, we spent a nice Sunday together.”

Tanya was about to ask what the two of you did when Edgar slipped into the office, rubbing at his hands to warm them up. “Hey…” He said cautiously, Curtis dug his hands into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys, tossing them on the counter.

“Cars in the lot.”

“Listen man, I’m sorry for what I said. Can’t we put this behind us?” Edgar tried reasoning as he grabbed his car keys. Curtis rounded on his friend, making Edgar seem small as he backed up a step. Tanya watched wide eyed from behind the desk. Grey came in next, catching Curtis getting in Edgar’s face.

“There is no putting it behind us Jackass. I had to convince Y/N that I was the lucky one to be with her. So no. You can fuck right off.”

“Curtis I was drunk. Y/N has to know I’m basically an idiot.” Edgar protested as Curtis made a grab at his jacket, looking like he was ready to beat the shit out of him when Tanya clapped her hands to catch everyone's attention.

“Hey! No fighting in my office.”

Grey moved in between them, separating the men. Curtis backed up, throwing his hands up to say he was done. “You wanna fix this Edgar? Apologize to Y/N and not some bullshit apology about how you were drunk. Fucking mean it. When she tells me she has forgiven you, maybe we can be good again. Till then, stay the fuck out of my way.” He pushed his way out of the office, leaving the three of them behind.

“I’m so fucking screwed.” Edgar muttered and Tanya smacked at the back of his head, making him wince.

“I can’t believe you did that shit Edgar, you are lucky I don't wring your neck.” She hissed while Grey nodded in agreement as he clocked himself in.

“I was drunk!”

“No fucking excuse.”

Claude was waiting for you the moment you came in, holding out a tall cup of coffee. You took it gratefully while setting your bag down behind your desk. “You are a life saver.”

“So I’ve been told.” She perched on the edge of your desk while you took care of your stuff before your students came in. “Did everything smooth out Sunday?”

You paused, recalling Saturday night's disaster and how wonderful Sunday ended up being regardless. “Halloween was fantastic. Curtis and I handed out candy that night and we watched a scary movie.”

Claude gave you a look, a look that called you out as a liar. “That's it huh?”

You bit your lip and your face couldn't keep that innocent look anymore. “Of course not, he made it his personal mission yesterday to ruin me. I don’t know how I’m walking today.”

That made Claude grin wickedly back. “I knew it, it's always those broody quiet types.” She wiggled her brows while sipping from her coffee. “Did he kill that little prick?”

You sighed at the mention of Edgar. “No, and I feel kind of guilty. He is one of Curtis’s closest friends.”

Claude rolled her eyes. “He was an ass.”

“Absolutely agreed. I just feel bad about it.”

“Well don’t, I’m glad the little prick got caught. That was disrespectful to you and Curtis.”

You let that sink in a moment. All this time you thought about how it was affecting Curtis and not really what it meant to you, your mind seemed to block out that it was disrespectful to you as well. Not wanting to dwell on it much more, you turned the subject to her. “So, Grey… what do you think?”

Her eyes lit up and she scrolled through her phone to show it to you. “Texted all day yesterday. I think we are gonna go on a date soon.”

“Grey seems like a great guy every time I’ve ever met him. I’m sure you will have a great time.”

“Yeah, I hope so. Umm, do you think it’s weird how close he seems to his baby mama?” She asked, genuinely curious and maybe wondering if that would be something to worry about. You came around the desk, holding your cup and sipping from it.

“I mean, I just met Ella Saturday, but… no? Heck she was the one trying to introduce you two after she met you. I think genuinely they are just friends? But I really don’t know the situation there. I think that if you want to pursue this, you should ask Grey. He seems like a pretty straightforward kind of guy.”

“I will see if I can casually bring it up in one of our conversations.” It was hard to miss the hopeful beam crossing Claude’s face. “I hope so, I really like him.” The bell rang and Claude checked the time. “Crap, I will catch up later.” She bounded off your desk, weaving through the students who were happily chatting about their weekends. Taking a few more moments to yourself, one last sip of your coffee and you grabbed the lesson plans of the day.

The rest of the week and well into the next flew by for you. You and Curtis planned on meeting back up Friday night as you were in the middle of preparing for students for the first trimester switch over, grades needed to be finalized and notes written to parents. It meant long nights at the school with the rest of Mason Academy’s staffing team.

But that didn’t mean Curtis didn’t still pop into your day to day life. You two would send texts through the day, he had taken to sending you snippets of whatever book he was reading, and midweek you came home to having a door dash appear with an order from a local chinese place that you two had gone to the week before, already paid in full. Opening it up, you found your order from that date and then some extra so you would have at least a few meals out of it. Plucking out a spring roll, you snapped a picture of you taking a bite of the crispy roll and sent it to Curtis.

Thank you for dinner. It was such a hectic day. 😮‍💨

I figured Honey, enjoy your meal.

You were thoroughly looking forward to going out Friday night, having suggested hitting up Paulie’s that night. Curtis would be able to make a few extra bucks helping bartend, Claude had messaged you that she was planning on meeting up with Grey there, and you were more than willing to throw darts as a stress reliever- picturing a few choice parents' faces as the bullseye. Curtis was happy to go along with whatever you wanted to do. You offered to meet him there, and when you arrived, you found him already behind the bar. Claiming a spot at the end, you settled in to watch him work and openly check him out as it had been a few weeks since the last bartending flirting session, the memory of it making a spiral of arousal settle in your belly.

A too tight in the shoulders white henley shirt stretched across his chest, your eyes roving down to strong forearms flexing as he worked the line of taps. You saw the flash of a laugh in his usual serious features, it looked like he had given himself a fresh cut, your palms twitched, knowing how soft it would be right now to run your hands over. Handing over a beer with a coaster, he wiped his hands on a towel that he had hooked in the back pocket of his jeans when he came to where you were seated. Curtis was able to easily reach over the bar counter to hook a hand against the back of your neck and lean in to give you a kiss. “Go claim us a table and I will be right over? You want anything from the kitchen?”

“Mmhh, whatever you are in the mood for. Claude messaged me earlier, her and Grey are going to stop in later.”

Curtis prepared a pitcher for the two of you as well as some glasses. “Yes, he mentioned it to me earlier they would be stopping in. Seems Ella ended up playing matchmaker Halloween weekend.”

“Yup, and I couldn’t be more pleased about it. Claude hasn’t stopped talking about Grey since that night” You grinned as you collected the stuff Curtis handed to you. “See you in a minute, Handsome.” Leaving the bar, you were able to find a table over by the darts, which you poured the beer in the frosty mugs, collected darts and suddenly a pair of arms circled around your waist and scruff scratched at your neck while a pair of lips smoothed against a sweet little spot behind your ear. Curtis’ hard body pressed in behind you, enveloping you with his warm scent. “Mmhh I missed you.”

You tilted your head back enough to share a kiss. “It was a crazy week, I wouldn’t have been much fun.” Curtis ran his hands along your hips, giving a squeeze and pulling you back into him a moment while nipping another kiss before letting you go so you both could sit at the little table. He had brought a small appetizer tray to go with the pitcher you had brought with you. Grabbing a chip to dunk it in some salsa, you bit into it while he took a drag off the beer. “Next couple isn’t going to be any better.”

“What’s gonna be going on?”

“Got some parent teacher conference days coming up. But I don’t want to discuss school anymore. How was your week? You listened to me bitch all week about mine.”

His eyes crinkled at you in amusement and gave a wink. “Typical, bullshit at the yard with scheduling. Tanya fishing for details about what we're up to, spent a few nights working on the Camaro.”

“You have to break Tanya’s heart?” You chuckled a bit while wiping your fingers clean, Curtis reached for some of the saucy wings, giving a shrug while grinning.

“I might have let her think something was going on, all her own conclusion. I just neither denied nor confirmed it.”

You snorted in laughter at him. “You didn’t!”

“I sure as hell did, she wants to be nosy, she can think what she wants.” He licked his lips clean while setting the bone aside, grabbing at your napkin that you used earlier and wiped at his mouth and fingers.

“How have things been at work with Edgar?” You asked after a few moments, studying the small appetizer tray, but sneaking a look at Curtis to try and gauge his response while taking the complimentary celery stick and nibbling on it.

Curtis shook his head. “Fuck him, told him to leave me alone.” Your heart sank a bit, but you remembered what Claude had said earlier about remembering how utterly disrespectful it had been to you and Curtis. You reached across the table and gave a light squeeze before pulling yourself up to a stand and going around the small table to hug around his neck, his arm instinctively went around your waist and pulled you in close. “Don’t let that dumbass take up any more of our night, Honey. You gonna try beating me at darts?”

“What do I get if I do?” You bit at your lip and distracted him momentarily, his pupils widening at the sight. Large hands clasped your ass and gave a firm squeeze that made you arch a bit. “Also ‘try’? Listen, I already know I’m gonna kick your ass Everett.”

“Whatever you want Honey, but I’m winning. When I win, you are coming home with me.”

You smirked feeling him grab at you, sure as shit that he was going to get what he wanted. You wrapped your hand in the chain hanging around his neck and pulled him in closer till you were inches away. “Well fuck Curtis, that was what I was going to pick. Guess if I win, my prize is your cock.” You took great pleasure at the way his eyes widened in surprise and you pulled him in rest of the way to give him a tongue teasing kiss, drawing out a groan from deep in his chest and his hands digging harshly into your ass to hold you close to him, it was when you pulled away, you felt his eyes following you hungrily while you went to the throw line and take aim with your darts. As you took your shot, you heard him muttering to himself.

“Fucking Christ woman, you just spring that on me and then go shoot knowing now you are gonna win.”

You grinned to yourself as you took aim once more, sure to give a slight shake of your waist just to hear him groan behind you once more like he was in pain while you let the dart go. You did pretty good for someone still learning you thought to yourself as Curtis came up next to you, sputtering under his breath while taking aim himself.

His bicep bulged as his arm lifted and his fingers fit around the dart while taking his aim. Sure you might have been distracting to him, but you had to really work at it. Curtis, it just came natural. You stood behind him while drinking in the wide legged stance he was comfortable with, long legs led up to the best looking ass in a pair of black jeans you have ever seen, that had to be cinched tight with a belt. The plain white tee he wore stretched across a broad back that hid nothing in the way he flexed, his shoulders shifting with the lift of an arm. It was enough to make you suck on your bottom lip to stifle the moan of appreciation, his head tilting slightly to look back at you.

You must have made a noise of some kind, because the rest of your body was getting hot and bothered. Crystalline blues sparked with amusement and you could see the way the corner of his mouth turned up in a grin. Turning back to take the next shots, you escaped back to your table to find refuge in your mug of beer, wondering if the rush of alcohol could possibly save you now.

You were tipping your head back to drain the last few swallows when Curtis squeezed his hand against your hip while going to take his own, that one brow of his quirking up. “Now you know what you make me feel every damn time Honey. Fucking hell makes me want to bend you right over this table.”

You snorted in surprise, covering your mouth to keep your composure as you glared at Curtis who busted into an easy laugh. The push and pull between you two was so easy going that time passed without a notice, a couple empty pitchers littering your table as well as the remains of used napkins and half full glasses. You two were taking a break from playing darts, Curtis sitting in one of the tall chairs made for the table, you were standing between his spread thighs, whispering to him how you couldn’t wait to get him home, running your hands up his covered chest and flirting with him till his jaw was clenching while keeping himself in check, his own hands sliding over your ass and giving very firm squeezes.

Suddenly he stilled though, his gaze falling over your shoulder and hardening. You pulled back in worry. “Curtis, what's wrong?” You glanced around and saw what had him closing up on you. Edgar leaned against the bar, chatting with Paulie. Turning back to him, you grasped his chin and tilted him to look towards you. “I’m not upset about it anymore. He was being a dumbass like you said.”

Curtis grunted slightly, an arm tightening slightly around you almost possessively. “That he is.”

“So, you gotta let this anger go Curtis, can’t let him ruin our night.” You nudged at him slightly and his eyes narrowed.

“I already told him that when he made it up to you, then I wouldn't think about wringing his neck.”

You pulled back slightly while considering what he said. Untangling yourself from around him, Curtis made to grasp back at you, but you dodged his hands while gathering the emptied pitchers and cups.

“Be right back.”

“Y/N…” He tried getting you to stop, but you shook your head at him and told him that you would only be a minute and to stay right there. With a look of resignation he did stay, but you could see him simmering about it. Pulling up beside Edgar, you unloaded the dirty dishes.

“Can we get another round Paulie?” The man broke from his conversation with Edgar and went to refill a pitcher.

Edgar turned towards you, eyes darting to where Curtis was across the room and back to you. “Y/N, I was hoping to bump into you tonight.”

You made yourself comfortable next to him, nodding. “I figured as much, we have to talk. Edgar. I have some things I need to tell you as well.”

“First let me apologize for Halloween Y/N.” Edgar started. “I was so out of line and I honestly don’t even know where it came from. I swear I don’t believe that at all and it was such an asshole thing of me to say.”

You nodded in agreement. “It was out of line Edgar, I didn’t deserve that and Curtis didn’t either. You are his friend and should be happy for him.” You turned to face the younger man, ready to lay into him. “What Curtis and I like and don’t like is nobody's business but our own, my weight is most certainly nothing you should ever be concerning yourself about and it really hurts that you would imply that the only reason your friend would be interested in me is because of that. You don’t even know me Edgar and right now all I know about you is that you are a judgemental bastard and not a very good friend to Curtis.” He went to start again and you cut him off. “I also know Curtis isn’t ready to forgive you until I do, so I really want to know if you are sorry Edgar, actually sorry. I want to know where that came from.” You paused when Paulie came over and left the pitcher. When he left, picking up the hint that you and Edgar were having a private discussion, you turned back to Edgar, waiting on an answer.

You could tell that he was uncomfortable, which is what you wanted. This conversation wasn’t supposed to be easy for him. You deserved an honest answer and you weren’t planning on giving him the usual brush off you always did in the past when it came to these kinds of situations, you were done with being treated less because you weren’t what was considered average. “I was drunk, but that’s not why I said it.” Edgar’s gaze dropped to the bar in shame. “I saw how happy Curtis was, like genuinely happy for the first time in a long time and I was jealous.”

You frowned while listening to him. “You were jealous of Curtis?”

“Yup, pathetic right? He is one of my closest friends and it stung like a son of a bitch that he got to have that with you and I wanted it. You just dropped into his life and suddenly things just seemed better for him.”

“Well you are not going to meet someone by being a shallow dick like that.” You pointed out and Edgar lifted his gaze to meet yours.

“I deserved that.”

“You did, none of us are going to be perfect. Picking apart someone's flaws is going to do nothing but leave you lonely and miserable.”

“I know, I felt like shit afterwards and I regret even thinking about it, let alone saying it. In fact, I got you something to hopefully make up for ruining your party. You don’t have to forgive me if you don’t want to, I understand if you tell me to eat shit and fuck off. But I really do want you and Curtis to have this.” He handed you over a slip of paper. You unfolded it and read the business header on the top.

“Lakeside Cabins?” You questioned while looking over the rest of the paper.

“Yes, any weekend you want, it’s all paid for. You just have to call them to reserve the date. I know its not alot, but I thought a weekend away can replace the one I fucked up.” He said seriously and you were shocked for a moment at what he was giving you.

“Wow Edgar… this is… thank you.” You refolded the paper. “I’m sure Curtis will appreciate this as well.”

The man gave a small smile at your reaction, brushing his hand at the back of his neck and shrugged a bit, but looked relieved at that moment. “Well like you said, I was being a judgemental bastard and that's not who I want to be. I’m really happy for Curtis and want to be friends with you as well.”

You let all he said sink in and felt that it was genuine. Holding out your hand for him, you gave a smile. “I would like that to Edgar, let’s start over?” Edgar gave a nod and shook your hand. Grabbing the pitcher of beer, you tilted your head over to your table where you knew Curtis was studying the two of you closely. “You should come over sometime and play a game with us.” You glanced at Curtis and bit at your lip to hide a smile at the absolutely stone cold way he glared over at the two of you. “If you want to risk it.”

Edgar gave a small wave over to Curtis, who gave a sharp small nod in acknowledgment. “Maybe…we will see. I probably better let you go first, keep me safe.” He joked, which made you laugh and gently clasp your hand against his shoulder before moving to a stand.

“Don’t be a chicken shit, Edgar.”

“You’re not the one who's being threatened to get his head ripped off by both the Everett’s. Ella has already threatened to make my body disappear.” Edgar groaned out as you left him behind, going to join Curtis once more. Sitting in the seat next to him, you slid the piece of paper over to him.

“You can stop giving him the death glare, I think he is really sorry.” You informed him while he curiously opened up the paper to look at it. You scooted your chair closer while he read the information to himself, leaning your head against his arm.

“He gave you this?” Curtis flipped the paper to see if there was anything on the back and then looked at it again. “These are about an hour drive from here, nice little places from what I can tell.”

“Yup, any weekend we would like to go. A way of trying to fix the weekend he ruined he said.” Curtis handed over the paper and you folded it back up to tuck it away for safekeeping. “Paid in full.”

“I guess that was nice of him.” Curtis grumbled out, grabbing at the pitcher and pouring two glasses for the both of you.

“I thought it was and I also told him I forgave him.” You lifted your head from his arm and took the beer glass for him, tilting up to press a kiss against his bristled cheek. “But that doesn't mean you should until you are ready, Curtis. As Claude pointed out to me, it wasn't just disrespectful to me, but to you as well.” Grabbing at your darts, you left him sitting there, pondering over what you said while you went to finish off the last game of the night.

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karimwillia · 6 months

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Our Little Secret 🤫 Pt. 2

“It's on everybody's mind, about you and I They think so, but they don't really know”

Warnings: Teen AU

The week was turning out to be perfect. The pair quickly got into a routine. AZ’s alarm is smooth jazz that gently wakes them at 5:30am. From there they both get up to do some working out. Ri used the time to get film because AZ already had the home gym area equipped with a trampoline, and tumbling mats for Ri to do her cheer stunts on. AZ is a martial artist so she uses the time to get into shape. She is a 2nd Degree Black belt in Taekwondo, and lower ranking belts in Judo and Ju-Jitsu. AZ has competed in a few international competitions and won. She is also internationally ranked. All things no one knows at school. After workouts they shower and find clothes to match each other somehow. They do something for the day normally with friends, they then come home help cook, watch a movie and settle in for the night. The domestic life suits them; they can hug, touch, kiss, and cuddle with no limit. It's heaven.

A smooth jazz version of ICU is playing. AZ stirs awake with Ri in her arms not wanting to move “Baby come on time for workouts.” Ri scrunches her face with a whine. “Mmm not today let’s stay in bed.” AZ chuckles. “Why Baby you never want to stay in bed?” Ri finds AZ’s lips with her eyes closed pecking them. “I know but it’s day three and I just want to make this the longest week ever. If we never get it up, we will have a longer day.” “Baby that is not how that works but I will stay in bed with you. I like it here.” Ri licks her tongue along AZ’s jaw. “It is how it works.” AZ bites Ri’s cheek with no teeth in return. “You just licked me so you could be right. That’s not fair. If we never get up I won’t have to take you on the date I have planned.” Ri pops her head up and grins. “A date!? Oh yes please I want to have you on my arm so bad. Where are we going!? I don’t need anyone…” AZ cuts Ri off with a kiss to calm her. “Baby we are heading out of town for the day. Michigan City is about an hour away. They have a small zoo and some art galleries. We can make a day trip and no one will be there. Pack a bag.”

The girls pack and AZ gets behind the wheel to head out. “AZ Auntie is calling.” “Thank you Griot answer.” Holding hands over the armrest both girls smile as Okoye’s voice fills the car over the speakers. “Ahhh you two did not make this bed before you left. We have not hired the maid yet and Shuri Azari, you know better.” Both of them wince at the tone of Auntie’s voice. The girls have basically been living in AZ’s room like a small apartment so they have been lacking in the tidying up department. They will have to find a better cleaning routine. Okoye was not pleased at all by the unmade bed and blankets all over the couch. “Auntie, we are so so sorry. AZ and I were just in a rush. I wanted to spend this time with her, but I will personally clean the room top to bottom when we get back.” Ri always had a way with words that always made people forget what they were angry with her about. Okoye sighed knowing that this time is precious for them but still they have to do better. “Ahhh ok but as soon as you step foot in this house you will clean. As a matter of fact it will be Azari who does it. Be safe my iintsana.” With no verbal protest AZ shakes her head in disbelief how is it all on her?

The phone hangs up and the music starts up once more. SZA’s Snooze is playing over the speaker and AZ brings Ri’s hand to her mouth to kiss it. “You would be one hell of a lawyer, how did you sway her to give me the punishment? Also you smell like me.” Ri smiles warmly with no teeth. “I may have sprayed your cologne. I love to have it on me. But I don’t know how I just appealed to her nature. Auntie knows we don’t get the same freedom to date so I just made her feel bad.” Ri and AZ start to laugh. “Oh that is so wrong but soon no one will have a say in your life my Love. You will be 18 with money and a place to stay. We can love and live all we want then.” Ri huffs she hates this topic because while she understands the logic she wants to defy the logic. “AZ please I don’t care about being 18 if they kick me out they kick me out. I love you so much it hurts to be away from you. It hurts to act as if I don’t know you are at school or on the street. It hurts that I have to fear someone “outing me” to people who barely know me, let alone care for me. In order to be with you.” Tears start to well in her eyes. This has always been a conversation but AZ honestly does not want to convince her to wait anymore either.

The logic has been wearing thin over the past few months for AZ as well. She has only been trying to stick with her same song and dance to hide her true feelings. Losing T’Challa left her reeling and not having the ONE person she wanted by her side tore her apart. The emotions of grief were hard enough so the emotions of missing her girlfriend had to take a back seat. This has been causing her to resent everyone, especially Ri’s parents. In the moment of seeing her Love cry AZ could not hold back anymore. Pulling over into a rest stop AZ gets out of the car and walks over to Ri’s side with no words spoken. She just simply opens the door and pulls her girlfriend firmly into a hug. One they both needed. “If you no longer want to hide then we do not have to. I long to love you out loud so much Ri so whatever you want to do we will do it. I just need a few weeks to figure out how to protect your share of the company and money.” Ri cry’s softly into AZ's chest. “Baby I want to come out to my family, nothing crazy and I want to have pictures of us on social media.” She laughs at how almost silly it sounds. AZ cups her face kissing her sweetly. “We can do that in two weeks. Give me two weeks. I will post you every hour.” They dry their tears and continue to Michigan City.

The date was amazing. AZ arranged for them to have a pottery class, dinner and a walk along the lake at Washington Park. They held hands and kissed so many times Ri’s lips were numb. On the beach cuddled up they got a little more hot kissing a little longer than normal. It was getting dark so they thought it was fine only a few people walked by. Unknown to them Viv AZ’s arch nemesis and Ri’s frenemy was recording a live. All hell was about the break loose.

“Hey all out in boring ass Michigan City my family forced me out here to spend the evening. People are so gross it’s a couple out here kissing let’s get a look. Oh oop…is that who I think it is. A FREAK and Rihanna Williams out here kissing oh wow!!!” Viv zooms in, getting a clear view of them to the point they cannot deny it’s them. AZ and Ri both get a call at that same moment. It is Miles and MJ respectively. They are warning them in shock AZ calmly gets up and walks over to Viv who she sees maybe 20 yards away now that she is paying attention. AZ walks up and with no hesitation grabs the phone and shuts off the live.

Viv scrams. “You weirdo give me my phone! I will press charges for property damage if you break it!” AZ has a look of pure hate for Viv in her eyes. “No…” Rihanna speaks over AZ stopping the entire confrontation. “Vivian Greene you clout chasing bitch. She didn’t break it nor will she. You are weird for filming people without permission. That’s a criminal offense but we all know you are not new to being in trouble with the law.” Handing her back the phone. Ri stares at Viv with a smirk.

Notifications from everyone are going wild in Viv’s dms but the live’s recording has already been wiped. Viv smirks back, “Maybe so but you would never want your parents to find out about your little relationship. It’s honestly sick.” AZ steps up even though she would never use her skills to hurt someone she will use them to protect. “Vivian, you have two seconds to back away from Ri. Or I will just have to move you. The video was live so it may have already reached her parents. Just know that my lawyers will have contact with you soon about this matter.”

Viv glared at AZ and backed up seeing how muscular AZ actually is. “I hope they disown you for good Ri. You could have had any boy in the school but you wanted this thing!” AZ’s face is stern; she is ready to drop Viv if she takes one step. “Viv you’re just mad it isn’t you I chose or do you not remember the time you tried to kiss me in 8th grade. Also where is your daughter? Or are you still going with her being your sister?”

Viv stared at Ri with a mixture of embarrassment and hatred. “So what? She may be my child but at least I’m not gay!” Riri stands there with a smirk playing on her lips. “Oh so not only being denied a kiss by me in the 8th grade but having a threesome with a girl and the boy you got pregnant by is not at least bisexual? That’s cute.” Viv backs up more. “Fine Williams you win but I also hope you are prepared for your Mommy and Daddy to be on your case.”

@somethingcleaverandwhitty @mal-urameshi

#shuri x riri #shuriri #fanfic #fanfiction #riri x shuri #riri williams #shuri udaku #black panther #Spotify

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wrenreid · 2 years

Text

Off Limits

content warnings: daddy issues

Part Eight

“Jade,” my father’s voice follows his knocking on my door. “Jade, can I come in?”

I’m still laying in bed, but I’ve been awake for about an hour. It’s around 10am, and I’ve just been on my phone.

“Please?”

“If you have coffee, then yes,” I say.

My father comes into my bedroom. “No coffee, but I do have an apology.”

“I’m listening,” I tell him, not even looking up from my phone.

“Could you at least look at me?”

I look up, setting my phone on my chest.

“I’m sorry. You’re right. You’re an adult, and you can go to parties if you want to. It won’t keep me from worrying because that’s my job as your father, but I’ll try to stop commenting on it,” my father tells me.

I’m almost so shocked that I could laugh. I don’t, but I could. I don’t think he’s ever apologized for something like this. He always validated his judgmental and overprotective habits by saying he’s not just my father, but he’s also an FBI agent and knows what goes on in the world.

That has always annoyed me. I know what goes on in the world too. Hell, my Mother died from part of what goes on in the world. But that doesn’t mean I should live in fear and shy away from having fun. It just means I need to know how to handle myself. I need to be cautious but not so cautious to where it takes over my entire life. I’m not going to lock myself in my apartment and be scared of the life outside of it.

“Thank you for the apology,” I say, sitting up a little straighter. “I think you need to worry a little less about what I’m doing in my life and focus more on the kid you have that needs you more.”

Dad sighs, but nods. “Are you saying you don’t need me?”

“I’ll always need you, but Jack is a lot younger than I am. He still needs you to make sure he takes a bath,” I say with a soft smile. “Just let me be 21, okay?”

Another sigh releases from his lips. “Okay. There’s breakfast downstairs if you’re hungry.”

I give him a thumbs up, and he leaves my room.

I think that was some father - daughter progress right there. I don’t trust that he’s going to be off my back, but I have hope that he’ll keep to his word and chill out a little.

Dad, Jack, and I have family time for four days until Dad is called about a case in Michigan. He’s hesitant to go at first, but I tell him it’s fine.

I’m used to him grabbing the duffel bag he always keeps packed and heading out the door with a kiss on my forehead. What’s new?

I’m a little annoyed, though. Four days was all we had until he flew off to another state.

“You’re missing my recital?” An 11 year old Jade whined, my arms crossed.

“I’m so sorry, princess. I have to go to work,” Dad said, that black duffel bag in his hand.

“But you just got home! And I’m going to be in the front!” I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, and I choked them back.

My father frowned, sighing softly. He bent down to my level, holding my hand. “Mom will video it for me. I have to go help people. Do you understand?”

I nodded, but I hardly understood, especially at a young age.

When I was around seven years old, my mom put me in dance classes to occupy some of my time and allow me to have an activity that would get my energy out. I loved it, but I wouldn’t say I was great at it. I stayed in the classes until I was 12 and was tired of my dad never being able to make any of the recitals or daddy- daughter rehearsals since he joined the BAU.

He gave me a small, relieved smile before kissing my forehead. “I’ll be back soon. You’ll do amazing tomorrow.” He kissed my disappointed looking mother quickly then went out the door.

Jack and I are left alone for some sibling bonding time, which usually means watching and playing whatever he wants. I guess I don’t mind too much; I have nothing better to do on a Wednesday afternoon.

A part of me wishes Spencer was here with us again. He would have entertained Jack easily and said some interesting facts stored in his magnificent brain. He’s also not a bad sight to look at.

—————

“You do not have to do that,” I tell my boss assuringly.

“Oh c’mon, let me pay you back somehow,” he says, using his stern voice.

“Okay,” I press my lips together and nod.

Hotch suggested he take me out to dinner as a thank you for watching over Jack last week. I don’t think it necessary since it wasn’t any trouble, but he insists.

I wonder if Jade would be there when he buys me dinner. A part of me hopes she won’t be, but another part wants to see her again.

I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about her as much as I have. It’s not as if she is all I think about, but I find her sneaking her way into my thoughts when I’m eating popcorn or even playing chess.

I tell myself it’s not wrong to think about a person. We as humans think about billions of things, and other humans are a part of those thoughts. But it still feels like I am doing something I shouldn’t when I see her face in my mind.

You’d think someone as smart as I am would understand why she’s inhabiting my brain at least a few times a day, but I haven’t.

The jet ride is finally over, and the six of us step onto solid ground.

For the next two days and two nights, we’re in Michigan solving a case of four murders.

It’s Friday afternoon when we’re back in Quantico, and Hotch is still determined to buy my dinner. I agree when he says to meet him at the restaurant at 7.

After finishing paperwork, I leave the office around three.

—————

“Well, yeah we’re going with you,” I tell Dad, “I don’t want to cook dinner.”

He laughs softly. “Alright. Be ready by 6:30.”

I’m glad he wasn’t gone for too long. There’s no telling how many days cases will take. Some take two, and some can take up to a week or two.

I take a shower at 5, giving myself enough time to let it air dry most of the way before using a little heat.

Dad hates when I take my phone into the bathroom with me when I’m showering. It’s not like he thinks I’m taking pictures or anything- or at least I assume he doesn’t think that. But he’s always scolding me about the steam getting into my charging port and fucking up my phone, which he reminds me every time that he will not buy me a new one so I learn my lesson. Of course, he would buy me a new one because he needs to call me three times a day while I’m at school just to see how and what I’m doing.

I sing along to the music playing from my phone that rests on the counter top. As one can see, I’m not very keen on listening.

Once I’m sure I’ve taken a too-long shower, I step out, dry off, tie my hair up into a t shirt to help dry it, and go to my room.

I throw on some straight leg jeans that are form fitting around my ass and thighs but flow down the rest of my legs spaciously. I then put on a navy blue long sleeved crop top and my white hightop converse.

After my hair dries most of the way, I blow dry it to add some volume. I keep my makeup light, just mascara, eyeliner, and a bit of concealer.

I’m not dressing up for Spencer as much as I almost want to. This is my usual look. Plus, I think if I did dress up a little my dad would notice and I’d be embarrassed as hell.

I meet Jack and Dad at the door at 6:27, and we head out to the restaurant. We park next to Spencer’s car. He’s always early to everything. I admire that.

He gets out, greeting my dad, Jack, then me. He gives me a little wave, seeming awkward and almost nervous. I shoot him a smile.

Spencer opens the door for us. “Thank you,” I say softly as I walk past him.

The dinner’s going well. Dad and Spencer are making conversation, and me and my brother are brought into it occasionally.

We’re waiting for our food when Jack stands up, doing his little ‘I’ve got to pee’ dance. Dad takes him to the bathroom.

“So how was the case?” I ask, resting my head on my hands as I look across the table to Spencer.

“It went well, and it didn’t take too long. Overall successful,” he says nonchalantly.

“What, no interesting facts about it?” I tease, a flirty smile on my face.

I may not be able to act on my crush, but can at least flirt a little.

“Well, I learned what twilight is,” he chuckles softly.

I laugh too. “You’ve never heard of twilight?”

“Not until yesterday, no,” he says innocently, confused as to why I’m shocked.

“It’s a pretty well known franchise.”

“Maybe I should look into them?”

“No,” I laugh a little harder. “You shouldn’t. They’re kind of awful.”

“Oh,” he presses his lips together, his cheeks pink.

I eye him with a smile. “It’s cute when you do that.”

“D-do what?” Spencer asks me. The blush on his cheeks gets darker, and he avoids eye contact.

“That,” I giggle softly. “The nervous lip thing and looking down.”

“Thank you?” He clears his throat nervously.

“You’re welcome, doctor,” I say with a grin.

Before I’m about to say something else flirty, my dad comes back with Jack. They sit down, and I sit up straight before giving Spencer a look.

He’s adorable when he’s flustered. And I probably, no I definitely, shouldn’t be teasing him like this, but what’s the harm in flirting? I probably won’t see him again for a while.

It’s also refreshing to flirt with someone who doesn’t try to fuck you after you say one thing. Instead he’s all red faced and nervous. I like it.

Maybe I’ll have to toy with this a little more. I need something to entertain me.

—————

I feel like a blubbering mess.

What was she doing? Was that flirting? I think so. But why?

Jade made me feel something that I definitely shouldn’t have. I was all hot and nervous, and my stomach was fluttering.

I’ve been flirted with before, sure usually it’s prostitutes and older women, but it’s still flirting. So why is it that when Jade did it I could barely say anything, and I just sat there blushing?

I was sort of relieved when the night ended, and I went back to my apartment. It’s not that I didn’t want to see her, because for whatever reason I did, but I needed to get away from all the blushing and butterflies in my stomach.

My boss’s daughter should not be making me blush and queazy. She shouldn’t be flirting with me either, and I shouldn’t allow it… but I kind of liked it. At least just a little bit.

It was just one little flirty conversation though. We won’t see each other often anymore because she’s not in the city much, and I’m busy with work. Good.

I couldn’t help but notice her scent and smile as she walked past me earlier when I held the door open for her. Her beautiful fragrance hit my nose and made me want to follow her mindlessly like those stupid, no talking cartoons like Tom and Jerry. Jade flashed me a smile too, a friendly, and now that I’m thinking about it, flirty smile.

I’ve got to get her off my mind. She’s my boss’s kid, and that’s all she is. She’s young, and young people like to flirt with no meaning nowadays. It’s just a fun little game to them.

I head to bed, a book in my hand. My eyes skim over the pages quickly, but I’m only retaining half of the words. The other half of my brain is filled with Jade.

nine

tags: @pauline5525mgg @theintimatewriter r @lilibet261 1 @greysviolets @jazzymariexoxoc @one-sweet-gubler @thatsonezesty13 @necromaniackat @awhoreforspencerreid @sebs-oxygen @scarredelirium @bts-sugaplum m @awesomeness1679 @preciousbabypeter @yazzyu @cynbx @r3idsp3ncer @1010lizz @tiredbut-here @skulzombiw @lena-1895 <3

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gaelic-symphony · 5 months

Text

A Year in the Life: November

Twelve vignettes from the married life of Tara Lewis and Emily Prentiss, written for the Year of the OTP writing challenge.

A week late because...*gestures vaguely at the state of everything*

Prompt: Be careful what you wish for. Also part of @imagining-in-the-margins' office party writing challenge.

Words: 794

Warnings: none

Read on AO3 or below the cut

Emily looked at the calendar on the wall in the kitchen and noticed that Thanksgiving was only a few weeks away.

“Hey, babe,” she called out to her wife in the other room, “Are we doing Thanksgiving with your family again this year?”

“No, I don’t think so,” Tara replied without looking up from her newspaper, “My dad’s flying out to California to see Gabriel, and since Aunt Thelma moved into assisted living, she can’t really host us all anymore.”

“Oh, okay,” Emily said, “Um, well, I guess now that my mom’s back in the country we could do Thanksgiving with her, but…” Emily didn’t even need to finish that sentence; Tara knew that holidays with Elizabeth ranked pretty low on the list of Emily’s favorite things.

“I thought we might just have a low-key dinner just the two of us,” Tara said, “You know, we’ve been working so hard lately, it might be nice to have some quiet time to ourselves.”

“Yeah, that could be nice,” Emily nodded, but Tara could hear the disappointment in her voice. She thought of how many holidays Emily had spent alone and felt a pang of guilt.

Tara came from a large extended family, and even when her father’s military service took them abroad, they lived on military bases where the other Americans stationed overseas treated them like family. She took for granted having a place to go for Thanksgiving or Christmas, because it was always a given. Emily didn’t grow up like that. She was an only child who spent too much time living abroad to become close with what little extended family she did have, and her mother’s work meant she moved around so often that she never got to build any strong community ties. She didn’t have childhood memories of big Thanksgiving dinners, all the aunts and uncles and cousins gathered around a turkey, fighting over who got to break the wishbone.

But they had a family now, the BAU family, and Emily didn’t need to spend her holidays alone anymore. Matt and Kristy were more than happy to set two extra places at their Thanksgiving table, and Emily would get to spend the holiday in a house full of love and laughter and rambunctious kids. On Thanksgiving Day, they arrived at the Simmons house bearing a pecan pie (Tara’s contribution to the meal) and a bottle of wine (Emily’s contribution). No sooner had they stepped inside and shed their coats than the five Simmons children came running to the door to greet them.

“Emily!” David cried, hurling himself against her with a forceful hug that nearly knocked her backwards.

Tara felt a sticky little hand slip into hers, and she looked down to see Rose’s little face looking up at her expectantly.

“Come see my turkey picture, Auntie Tara!” Rose said, pulling on Tara’s hand and leading her into the playroom.

Matt’s mom had flown in from Michigan, and Kristy’s parents had come over early that morning to help with getting dinner ready and wrangling the children. Her brother and sister-in-law came over that afternoon, bringing two more kids of their own. When dinner was ready, they all sat down to a long table set for sixteen which was absolutely jam packed with serving dishes of turkey and a whole host of Thanksgiving sides. It looked like it could feed an entire army. There’s no way this all gets eaten, Emily thought, naïvely.

This was unlike any Thanksgiving dinner Emily had ever been to before. Tara had a big family, but Thanksgiving at Aunt Thelma’s was never this loud, this boisterous, this joyfully chaotic. Dishes were passed around the table in never-ending cycles, and chatter seemed to come from every direction. Occasionally someone would knock something over or drop something or spill something, and everyone would leap up from their chairs to clean up the mess. Jake spilled gravy on Emily’s sleeve, but in all the commotion of the Thanksgiving table, she barely even noticed. The whole evening was such a whirlwind of food and family and noise that she barely even noticed that they finished off the entire turkey. No being sent home with a tote bag full of leftovers this time.

When Tara and Emily finally got back to their quiet, empty house, Emily flopped down on the couch with a happy sigh. Tara climbed onto the couch and curled up next to her.

“Mmmm, quiet at last,” Emily said with a slight chuckle.

“Those kids wore you out, huh?” Tara teased.

“There’s so many of them!” Emily laughed.

“You’re the one who wanted a big family Thanksgiving dinner…”

“I know,” Emily said, “And I loved it.”

“Good.”

“But…maybe next year a low-key night to ourselves wouldn’t be so bad, either.”

#criminal minds #fanfiction #emily prentiss #tara lewis #temily #otp #yotp 2023

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dancedance-resolution · 1 month

Note

Hi again, I am just catching up on your messages and IM SORRY DDR BUT I DO NOT LIVE IN MASSACHUSETTS

I live in Vermont, very much not surprised that that wasn't a guess, it's an often overlooked state 😭 I do not know anything about sports but we do appear to have women's ice hockey, but not any pwhl unfortunately so I cannot offer that as incentive to visit 🥺

ok yes, I see what you were saying about the 8 hour drive lol. I absolutely agree, long drives are the worst... Most of my internet friends live in different countries though, so I think my conclusion about it being not that far was that if you're only 8 hours away from me then technically I could visit? whereas my other friends I have no hope of visiting without a plane ticket 😭

also, I love having my own tag, thank you 🥺

and that sounds like an excellent plan for when you meet with him! proud of you for putting that in place and I'm glad to hear my idea feels useful 💖

and also if you ever do somehow find yourself closer to VT you absolutely should let me know and I will come off anon because I consider you a friend and would love to hang out 💖💖💖But for now, the cloak of anonymity stays because I have revealed too much lmao

-ace lesbian anon

it is frankly astonishing to me that you don’t live in massachusetts, i feel like a solid 35% of tumblr lives in massachusetts….. in fact, i think you’re the first vermont person that i’ve met (knowing they’re from vermont)???🤔 (also you know how michiganders is ppl from michigan and baltimorons is baltimore - do you guys have a vermont version of that?)

anyways so regarding straight boy alas he didn’t message me back about confirming a time yesterday so it didn’t happen! unsure if i’ll message him trying to set smth up again 🤔 i sent my friend screenshots of what i’d sent him initially and they told me they would find that message super jarring lol, which i now very much see 😂 like this is in the top 10 ddr autism moments, and im a muppets fan so that’s saying a lot 😂 generally though, i definitely still want to meet up w a cis man bc im still quite curious, but idk about the timeline now 🤷

i will absolutely let you know if/when i’m up in your area! surely one of these days i’ll get restless to fuck around and head north lol 🫡

hope you’re doing well etc 🥰🥰🥰

#on my phone for emojis w this one lol 🫡#ace lesbian anon 🌱#ddr’s ask box

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cuttergauthier · 9 months

Text

Hate Me First, Love Me Later

Josh Norris x Female Tkachuk Reader

Warning: against, Swear words, wedding, Alcohol, fluff

Flashbacks is in Italic

word count:6.3k

Authors note: This is the longest Fic i've ever written, it' an enemies to lovers fic with Josh. This Fic has time jumps. Also let me know if you want me to make this an au🤍

This Insta Edit coming out that follows this fic.

let me know what you guys think🤍

Summer 2018

It is currently summer, and I am at home in St. Louis with my family. Hockey season is officially over which means both my brothers are home. I am currently in my room sitting on my bed and I have both University letters that I applied for in front of me right now, I'm scared to open them.

My dream school has always been Ottawa but it’s hard to get accepted. My second choice is Michigan since the Norris family lives pretty close to Ann Arbor. The only thing that sucks is that Josh will be a Sophomore at Michigan and we do not get along.

We’ve known each other since we were kids, Brady and Josh played in the Untdp together which is when we met, our parents became good friends. Dalton has always been like an older brother to me. Josh on the other hand has always been mean to me, whether it was insulting me, or pulling my hair when we were 12 years old or making fun of me in front of my friends and it never got better. I thought back to the first time I met Josh.

Flashback

We are 15 years old, it is my first time spending the summer at the Hughes Lake house along with my family and Josh’s family.

We just got to the Lake house when Ellen and Traci came outside with Josh.

“Josh this is Yn, she is Brady's younger sister and she's going to be spending the summer with us.” Traci told Josh. Josh made a disgusting look when he looked at me and then back at his mother.

“I don’t want to be friends with her” he told his mom before going back inside the house. I looked at my mom with a sad look. Her, Traci and Ellen gave me a sad smile.

“I’m sorry Yn, he’s not usually like this, it’ll get better I promise '' Traci reassured me.

I nodded.

End of flashback

It never got better, it only got worse.

I snapped out of it when there was a knock on my door.

“Come in,” I said. Matthew poked his head in the room smiling, but it soon disappeared when he saw the nervous look on my face. He came in and closed the door behind him. He made his way to the bed and sat in front of me.

“What’s going on? Are you okay?” He asked worriedly.

I sighed and shocked my head before pointing and both letters that are next to him. He looked and his eyes widened.

“When did they come in?” He asked, looking back at me.

“This morning, mom gave them to me. I told her I wanted to open them alone before telling everyone but I'm scared” I told him.

He smiled softly at me before picking them up and giving them to me.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” He asked.

“Would you?”

“Of course, now open them so I know which shirt I’ll need to buy to support you” he said smiling. I chuckled before putting the Michigan letter down and opening my Ottawa letter.

I took a deep breath before smiling and reading the letter. My smile soon disappeared when I learned I am on the waitlist.

“What does it say?” Matthew asked worriedly.

I brushed off tears that were threatening to fall. I shock my head.

“Waitlisted” I said sadly.

“Yn, it’s going to be okay, even if you don’t start there, you might be able to go after your first year,” he said. I nodded. I knew all of that, I just wish I could have been accepted immediately.

I grabbed the Michigan letter and opened it. I read it, and I got accepted. Matthew raised his eyebrows in question. I nodded my head. Matt leaned forward to pull me in a hug.

“I’m proud of you no matter what, and in Michigan you’ll have Josh and Quinn,” he said, trying to encourage me. I scoffed, pulling away from the hug and giving him a ‘are you for real’ look.

Matthew laughed.

“Look, maybe this will get you and Josh to be friends,” he said hopefully.

“I doubt it Matt, please don’t tell any of them i’m going there” I said. He nodded.

“I won’t but Brady might tell Quinn who might tell Josh, and we all know that mom and dad will tell Dwayne and Traci” he said, making me groan.

“Come on, let’s go tell everyone the news” he said, taking my hand and pulling me downstairs where everyone was.

“Yn has something she wants to share with everyone” he said smiling.

“Did you open the letters?” Mom asked. Brady’s eyes widened.

“Oh where are you going?” Brady asked excitedly, I know he was hopping I was going to Ottawa with him.

“Michigan… I got waitlisted for Ottawa, but i’ll try again next year” I said hopeful.

Everyone smiled and came to give me a hug and congratulated me.

“As much as i wish you would be joining me in Ottawa, you won’t be alone in Michigan, Wait till I tell Quinn and Josh about this,” Brady said happily. My eyes widened, I shook my head.

“Please don’t, Josh and I don’t get along. If you tell Quinn please tell him not to tell Josh. I don't want him knowing I'll be there” I asked.

My mom looked at me sadly.

“Can we at least tell Dwayne and Traci, same with Jim and Ellen? If there’s ever anything and your dad and I can’t be there we know that one of them will be.” My mom asked.

I nodded.

“Can you just please ask them if they don’t tell Josh?” I asked

“I will sweetheart, I’m incredibly proud of you, all my kids are now grown ups” she said smiling softly, with tears in her eyes.

“Don’t worry mom, Matthew still acts like a kid” Brady said, making everyone laugh.

First week, Michigan 2018

I’ve been getting settled in Michigan for the past week. My parents went back to St. Louis yesterday. I’m in a single dorm room which i’m happy about, I didn’t want a roommate.

My mom ended up telling Dwayne and Traci along with Jim and Ellen that I was starting the year here. They were all very happy, they also promised not to tell Josh and to let me do it once I was ready, but they did let Quinn know so he could keep an eye on me, or help show me around, thankfully he promised not to tell Josh.

Classes are starting soon, I’m excited yet nervous since I don’t know anyone here. I’ve never been shy so I know I'll be able to make friends, I just have to make sure not to tell them I'm related to Matthew and Brady because when people find out that’s one of the only reasons they want to be friends.

I just hope everything goes well when classes start.

One Month, Michigan 2018

I’ve been here for a month now, classes have been good, I've made a friend whose name is Molly. Her dorm is right next to mine, it turns out her brother plays on the hockey team.

I also met her brother, I have Econ with him and a few other freshmen on the men’s hockey team. After Molly introduced me to her brother, he introduced me to Nick since we all have Econ together I usually sit with them.

The boys invited me to a party tonight which the sophomore’s are throwing at their house. I was a little hesitant to accept since Josh will be there since it’s at his house.

But it’s already been a month so he’s going to find out soon anyways plus I don’t like lying to the guys about who I am, so I ended up accepting.

Molly was also going so she asked if I wanted to pregame with her, which I gladly agreed. Jimmy ended up getting one of the seniors on the team to buy us alcohol, which thank god since if i’m going to be seeing Josh, I’ll need alcohol in my system.

Molly and I were sitting on her bed talking and drinking. I've been nervous the whole day. I don’t know how Josh will react when he sees me, will he make a scene in front of everyone? Will he tell the guys not to talk to me again? Will they listen to him?

“Yn are you okay? You look nervous” Molly asked worriedly. I sighed before nodding.

“I didn’t really tell anyone here about this but um, I already know Josh Norris and I didn’t know who your brother was before but then I found out they’re teammates. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but my family is really close with him along with the Hughes family since my brother Brady played in the Untdp with Josh and Quinn.” I said she looked at me surprised.

“It’s fine I get why you didn’t tell me you didn’t want him to find out you go here, and by Brady do you mean Brady Tkachuk?” She asked. I nodded.

“Okay then, I guess we both have brothers who play hockey,” she said, making me chuckle.

“So you’re not mad I didn’t tell you?” I asked worriedly. She shook her head and smiled.

“Not at all” she said

“Great, I was worried that when you found out you wouldn’t want to be friends anymore” I said and she laughed.

“I understand why you didn’t want anyone to know, i’m not going to stop being friends with you because of it” she said and I smiled

“I’m just worried that Josh might cause a scene tonight when he sees me,” I said.

“If it gets to much, or he starts to make a scene, let me know and we’ll leave”

“I don’t want you to leave the party because of me”

“Don’t worry about it, I wouldn’t leave you alone” she said smiling.

After a while we met up with her brother, along with Nick. We all made our way to the party together thank god. I ended up warning them about the Josh situation, just like Molly they understood.

Once we got there we made our way to the living room where it was already packed with people. Nick and Jimmy went to get us some drinks. When they got back they gave Molly and I a white claw. I’m already feeling a little drunk, but not too bad.

We kept talking when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around confused to see a happy Quinn Hughes, which made me smile. Quinn is probably one of the Nicest guys ever, I like him, and unlike Josh he actually likes me.

Quinn Smiled brightly.

“I thought that was you, how are you enjoying Michigan?” He rambled before pulling me in a hug. I Chuckled.

“I like it,” I replied. He pulled away from the hug before looking at me confused.

“I’m glad, remember to text me if you ever need anything?”

“I know” I said

“ I could have showed you around campus, you know” he said. I could tell he was a little hurt that I ask him.

“I’m sorry Quinn, but I didn’t want to risk Josh finding out” I said, Quinn’s eyes softened.

“Well if he tries anything, let me know, he’s not the only one who lives here” he said.

“Thanks Quinn” I said.

“He’s in the kitchen now if you just want to get it over with,” Quinn said.

I looked at him before looking at Molly and the guys. They nodded.

“Okay sure probably best to just do that, if it goes south Molly, can yo…” I started but she cut me off

“I’ll rescue you, I promise,” she said with a smile.

“Thank you” I said before looking back at Quinn and nodding.

As we started walking I got even more nervous than I already was.

we made our way to the guys.

Josh has his back to us so he can’t see us making our way to them, but Will looked our way and his eyes widened, he was at the lake house for a bit this summer.

Josh turned around confused but when his eyes landed on me, he was pissed.

He met Quinn and I half way And looked down at me with a glare. If I was anyone else they probably would have been terrified and honestly I was a little bit, Josh is way taller than me, I'm only 5”5 so he’s towering over me.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he said harshly.

Quinn looked at him Annoyed

“Josh seriously, leave her alone. She’s a student here now, and unlike you I actually like her along with some of the freshmen so she’s not going anywhere "Quinn told him.

Josh rolled his eyes and laughed. What the hell was so funny?

“Just because you go here now, doesn’t mean I'm going to start being nice to you” he said looking me straight in the eyes.

“Wouldn’t expect anything else from you” I said annoyed.

He just rolled his eyes and went back to the rest of the guys.

“Well that went better than expected, '' Quinn said surprised, which made me laugh.

“Same Quinn, I honestly thought It was going to be worse.”

If it wasn’t the fact that Josh was angry with me, I actually thought he looked amazing. I thought, I snapped out of it, what the hell? I can’t stand the guy and now I think he looks good? I think I had enough to drink.

March 2019

(Pretend they made it to the big ten)

With Josh finding out that I'm in Michigan I thought it would be worse than it is. I think Quinn has been keeping him in check, which I am very grateful for.

I’ve been going to the hockey game with Molly, we got even more close.

Even though Josh still tries to make my life a living hell, the rest of the guys on the team like me.

I reapplied to Ottawa about a month ago. I'm still waiting for my acceptance letter by email, I didn’t tell the guys, the only one who knows is Molly.

It’s now Monday and this weekend the guys are going to Minnesota for the Big Ten Championship. Molly was going with her parents since it’s a big game for the boys.

I really hope they win, they’ve been playing amazing.

I am currently in my dorm room working on some homework when my phone starts ringing. I looked to see that Traci was calling me.

I answered.

“Hey Traci” I said happily, she’s always been like a second mom to me.

“Hey sweetheart, what are you up to?” She asked

“Right now I am finishing some homework, what’s up?” I asked.

“That’s good, I always have to keep those grades up,” she said, making me laugh.

“I was actually wondering if you wanted to come with Dwayne and I to Minnesota this weekend for the Big Ten Championship game?” She asked.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Josh and I don’t exactly get along”

“Sweetheart, that doesn’t matter, I know Molly is also going and Dwayne and I love you like a daughter so we thought we would ask, you don’t have to if you don’t want to” she said softly. I thought about it for a few seconds. I can complete all my homework before, and that way I won’t be alone in Ann Arbor when all my friends are in Minnesota.

I smiled softly.

“I’d love to,” I said.

“Perfect, I can’t wait, I’ll send you the details” she said happily.

“Thank you Traci”

“Anytime sweetheart, I'll let you get back to your homework” she said.

Once we said our goodbyes I hung up and texted Molly to tell her I was going to Minnesota with them, she’s excited and so am I.

Big Ten Championship, 2019

Dwayne, Traci and I got to Minnesota this Morning after we made our way to the hotel. Traci and I met up with Molly and her mom, along with Ellen and we went to do a little bit of shopping at the mall. That game is tonight, so at 3 we all made our ways back to the hotel so we could get ready for the game.

I was nervous the whole game but luckily Michigan was able to win. Thankfully it’s Friday, and everyone is leaving to go back to Michigan tomorrow morning. The guys have already said they are throwing a party as soon as they step foot in Ann Arbor.

As soon as the plane landed Traci and Dwayne dropped us off on Campus where we both made our way to our dorms to get ready for this party and hang out with the boys.

They’re flight is supposed to land in an hour, so we have time to chat and get ready.

When the boys were ready to get the party started Quinn texted me to let me know we could go over to the seniors house.

Once we arrived we started drinking with the boys, they were already drinking full swing when we got there.

Talking and partying with them is always fun.

At around 8:00 p.m. I saw Josh make his way to the kitchen, probably to get himself another drink, I followed him there. He took a beer out of the cooler, he turned around to see me there, I smiled weakly.

“Do you mind giving me one?” I asked.

He rolled his eyes before taking a second beer and passing it to me.

I smiled

“Thank you.” I replied.

He gave me a small nod and went to walk away but I stopped him.

There was no one else in the kitchen, everyone was either in the living room or outside.

“Wait” I rushed out so he wouldn’t leave.

He stopped in his tracks before turning and looking at me. He raised his eyebrows in question.

“What?” He asked, annoyed.

I was a little drunk but not too bad, but thankfully when I have alcohol in my system I’m not scared to talk to him.

“I just wanted to say congrats, you guys played really well” I said.

He nodded and went to walk away again.

“Why do you hate me so much?” I blurted out.

Josh rolled his eyes.

“Because I don’t like you,” he said and walked away. Why can’t he see me the same way I see him? He’s an incredible person even though he’s always mean to me, he’s nice to everyone else he’d do anything for his friends or family. I just wish he liked me.

It sucks having a crush on someone when that someone hates you.

I sighed before making my way back to Molly.

Frozen four 2019

I finally got the Letter from Ottawa. I've been accepted so it means I'll be moving there next year. Molly was a little sad when she found out I was leaving Umich but she was also excited for me to be going to my dream school, she told me that we would still stay in touch and we both promised to visit each other.

Jimmy heard the conversation and ended up telling Will who told Josh. Josh ended up coming to my door angry saying that the only reason I was going to Ottawa was because he was going to Ottawa. I was going since it’s my dream school and my brother is also there.

The argument ended in a screaming match and we haven’t talked to each other since.

I really wish we could get along but I don’t think we ever will.

I went to Tampa with Dwayne and Traci to watch the Frozen Four, sadly the boys lost, which meant Josh left for Ottawa, Quinn was leaving for Vancouver, it was an emotional time.

Once I got back to Umich, the last 2 weeks of University flew by. I said goodbye to Molly and the guys before finally heading home to St. Louis.

Three Years Later, Summer 2023

NHL playoff we’re officially over, sadly Matty lost in the finals against Vegas and got injured but they had a good run.

Everyone has been home for a while now. We are leaving today to go to New Jersey for Brady and Emma’s wedding.

I can’t wait to finally have another sister. Emma and Brady are perfect for each other, I hope someday I’ll find that type of love.

Three years went by fast, I spent the past three years in Ottawa ignoring Josh, it wasn’t that hard since he was also keeping his distance from me.

Thankfully the flight went by fast and I was able to sleep on the plane, I didn’t spend it worrying about seeing Josh. The whole Norris family along with the Hughes family will be at the wedding. As excited as I am to see Dalton, Quinn, Josh and Jack, I am not excited to see Josh.

Josh and I have seen each other a few time in Ottawa but the only time we talked to each other was to argue, it only got worse after he accused me of only going to Ottawa to make his life a living hell since I was going to be in Ottawa. I never told anyone about that fight, they all know we don’t get along so it won’t be a surprise if we get into an argument at the wedding.

My parents warned me to try and not make a scene to ruin Brady and Emma’s wedding. I totally understand that’s the last thing I want to do, plus we are all adults here.

Rehearsal dinner

Once Taryn and I were ready we met up with Matty and our parents to go to the venue.

I’m so nervous about seeing Josh, that's all I can think about. Once we get there he’s the first one I see, he’s with his brother and parents he had his back to me which meant he didn’t see me but Dalton did so he waved and smiled. I did the same, that’s when Josh turned around confused and saw me, all he did was send me a glare and went back to talking with his brother.

I really hope this doesn’t cause any trouble.

During the end of the night when everyone was around talking and drinking I made my way out on the balcony so I could get some fresh air.

I didn’t realize anyone followed me until I heard the door slide open and then shut.

I turned around only to find Josh.

I rolled my eyes and turned back around to look at the view.

If he doesn’t want to be anywhere near me, why did he follow me outside?

“What do you want Josh?” I asked, annoyed, when he came and stood next to me. I looked up to see he was looking at the sky.

He looks really good in his suit.

“I just thought I’d tell you not to cause a scene this weekend and ruin your brother’s wedding” he said

I scoffed before turning fully to look at him.

“Screw you, I was doing pretty good at ignoring you, why the hell did you have to come out here and start this?” I asked angrily.

He chuckled

“This is what I meant all you had to do was agree and move on,” he said, pissed.

“You started it, What the hell is a matter with you? It’s always like this… why do you hate me so much?” I asked, pissed.

“Because you deserve it”

I scoffed.

“Except I don’t… i’ll i’ve ever tried to do was be nice to you… what have I ever done to you to make you hate me so much?…” I said tears are threatening to fall. Before Josh could say anything Matt interrupted.

“That’s enough you two, don’t do this here” I heard Matt say before he pulled me away. I saw Dalton and Quinn giving me a sad look before he pulled Josh back inside.

I was so focused on the argument I never realized they’d made their way outside.

Once Josh, Dalton and Quinn made their way inside Matt, looked at me worried.

“What happened between the two of you? Usually when you guys know something important, you guys ignore each other, I mean brady always said you guys mostly ignored each other in Ottawa except for a few times… Did something happen?” Matt asked.

I sighed before nodding my head.

“When I got accepted to Ottawa three years ago as you know, I had only told Molly, but turns out Jimmy had heard so he told Will who told Josh… Josh accused me of only going to Ottawa because he was also going, so I could make his life a living hell, which is why i tried ignoring him as much as I could for the past three years” I said, wiping away the tears that rolled down my cheek.

Matthew signed before pulling me in a hug. I started to silently cry.

“I’m so sorry, Yn” he said sadly.

“Why does he hate me so much? Should have I stayed in Michigan? Should I never had moved to Ottawa in the First place?” I asked

Should I have let him win and stayed in Michigan even though Ottawa to my dream school three years ago? Should I have left my dreams while he goes to live his? Should I leave the Job I’m supposed to start in September in Ottawa and stay in St. Louis?

“First off you Went to Ottawa because you had worked your ass off for it, so you weren’t ever going to back out. Second I don’t think he’s ever hated you, so you better not be thinking of turning that job down in Ottawa just to please him…” matt said

“You literally just heard him, he clearly doesn’t like me… I just wish he could see me the way I see him” I blurt out. I look at Matt with wide eyes, I can't believe I just said that.

Matt started smirking.

“Stop, you better not say anything” I pointed at him.

He raised his hands up in surrender.

“Look I won’t say anything… but guys are kinda idiots so we usually do stupid things when we like a girl… I think he might actually feel the same way he’s just too afraid to say anything, "Matt said, making me laugh.

“Yeah right” I said in disbelief, there is no way Josh feels the same way about me. I won’t believe it.

Matt and I finally made our way inside, we didn’t mention what happened to anyone, no chance was I going to ruin Brady and Emma’s night.

I didn’t see Josh anywhere so maybe he left.

Once the night was over we all made our ways to our rooms. Thankfully I'm rooming with Taryn. When I was finally ready for bed, Taryn was laying on her phone when she saw me making my way to my bed.

“What happened on the balcony tonight?” She was curious. She put her phone on the bedside table before looking at me.

I looked at her shocked, I didn’t realize anyone noticed we were there.

“You saw that?” I asked, before getting under the blanket.

“Yeah, Emma’s the one who noticed and told me, '' she said. I looked at her Guilty. Fuck i was really hopping neither Emma or Brady saw that.

Taryn saw my guilty look before she reassured me.

“Don’t worry, she wasn’t mad… she was just worried about you… apparently she thinks you like Josh or something?” She said

My eyes widened.

“What about me? Puff no…” I struggle nervously. Taryn's eyes widened before she started laughing.

“Oh my god, she was right? Why the hell didn’t you tell me this?” She asked

“Because he’s never going to feel the same way” I mumbled, but she still heard me.

“He’s an idiot if he doesn’t and you never know… maybe Dalton or even Quinn will talk some sense into him. Plus tomorrow’s the wedding and a lot of people fall in love at weddings…” she said.

“Are we still talking about Josh and I? Or is there something you want to tell me?” I laughed.

She chuckled.

“We’re still talking about you and Josh,” she said, chuckling.

“Whatever, get some sleep we have to wake up early tomorrow” I said.

“Good night sis” she said

“Good night,” I replied, yawning.

Wedding day

Taryn and I woke up early to make our way to the suite so we could get ready with Emma since we were both bridesmaids.

Emma is absolutely stunning. I know for a fact that Brady will cry, Taryn and I made a bet with Matty. Once it was time to make our way to the ceremony we made our way down to meet the groomsmen, I’m walking with Quinn thankfully.

When Quinn saw me he smiled. I stood next to him so he gave me a side hug.

“You look beautiful,” he said. I smiled at him.

“Thank you, you don’t look too bad yourself” I said, making him chuckle.

The pair started making their way down the aisle, before it was our turn, Quinn leaned in my ear to whisper.

“Josh is going to try and talk to you at the reception… I promise everything will go alright, Dalton and I talked to him last night, you should hear him out” he said, I sent him a nod.

The ceremony went amazing, I cried during their vows. When Brady saw Emma walking down the aisle he cried, both Taryn and I sent him a look that said you better pay up.

After the ceremony we all made our way outside for pictures before going to the reception.

At the reception after the speeches I saw Josh looking at me. I thought about what Quinn said, it still made me nervous so I tried to ignore him until I was at least tipsy.

I talked with Kevin Hayes and his wife. They got married about a week ago, it was a beautiful wedding.

“Why is it that when I leave St. Louis you get traded there?” I asked smirking, He laughed and shrugged.

“Promise me you’ll visit when you visit home?” He asked

“I promise,” I said chuckling.

I saw Josh make his way to the balcony, I was finally tipsy so I went to the open bar to get another drink before making my way to him.

I took a deep breath before opening the door.

He was leaning on the railing looking at the sky in front of him.

I made my way and stood next to him.

It was quiet for a few minutes and I was just starting to get even more nervous so I decided to speak up.

“Quinn said you wanted to talk to me?” I asked, looking at him.

He looked at me and smiled shyly. He took a deep breath before nodding.

“I’m sorry” he said

I scoffed, is that really all he has to say?

“Sorry for what exactly?” I asked, annoyed.

He rolled his eyes

“I knew you were going to be difficult” he replied annoyed

I signed before scratching my head.

“Look Josh I’m tired of fighting with you, why are you always so mean to me?” I said sadly.

If he could just tell me why, I'll leave him alone after and he won’t have to talk to me again.

He sighed before turning to look at me fully. He was standing right in front of me. My face was inches away from his chest. I looked up at him.

“I never meant to be so mean to you, or hurt your feelings, trust me I know, i’ve heard it from our friends and my family…”

“Then why are you?” I whispered looking up at him.

He raised his hand to my cheek stroking it with his thumb.

“I’m really sorry, I really like you, always have but when we first met I thought you had a crush on Jack and I guess I was jealous and according to Quinn I was very wrong but when I finally figured out that wasn’t the case I really thought you hated me for the way I treated you so I just never stopped…” he said caressing my cheek.

I looked at his eyes, I could tell he was sorry, that he meant every word he just said.

“I never had a crush on Jack, him, Luke and Quinn have always been like brothers to me…same with your brother, you’re the one I had a crush on and Jack figured it out so he would always tease me about it when we were kids” I said chuckling.

He smiled.

I saw him look from my lips then back to my eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked

“I’d like that,” I said smiling.

He leaned down and smashed his lips to mine. Our lips moved in sync. I moved my hands to his chest.

One of his hands was still on my cheek, he moved the other around my waist and pulled me closer, deepening the kiss.

Before the kiss could get too heated we pulled away breathing heavily. I smiled looking at him.

“I’ve been waiting to do that since we were 15” he said smiling. I giggled.

“I'm glad you finally did,” I said.

I saw something in the corner of my eye at the door. I pulled slightly away only to see Quinn, Jack, Luke, Matt, and Tim Stutzle, watching us.

My eyes widened, I hid my face in Josh’s chest and groaned.

“What?” He asked, chuckling.

“We have an audience” I mumbled embarrassingly. I felt him turn his head to look at the door.

“We’re never gonna live this down are we?” He asked

“Definitely not”

“Come on, we better go back inside before they start yelling at everyone,” Josh said, making me chuckle.

“Good idea” I said nodding

He kissed my forehead before grabbing my hand and pulling me inside.

I’m really happy, I don’t even think the teasing we were about to get will even ruin my mood.

I saw Jack giving money to Luke and Quinn.

“Did you guys bet on us?” Josh asked them, surprised.

“Hell yeah we did” Jack said excitedly.

“There’s more than one, Brady, Tim and I have one going with Emma and Taryn, guess the girls were right about the fact a wedding loves bringing people together” Matt said.

“You better go pay up and put Emma in a better mood and piss off Brady” I said, he laughed.

“Come on let’s go find Brady we’ll need his money too” Matt said, grabbing me by the arm and dragging me with him. I laughed while Tim and I followed behind. Josh stayed with the guys.

“You couldn’t have waited until we went to the lake house next week?” Matt asked me right before we find Brady

“Sorry Matty,” I said smiling, I'm not sorry at all.

Brady was talking with a few of his teammates, Emma was talking with some of the girls along with Taryn not far from him.

Brady turned around when we got to him.

He pulled us into a hug.

“I’m Married, can you believe it?” He said excitedly. I couldn’t stop laughing.

“Tone it down, we owe money to Taryn and Emma” Matt said

Brady's eyes widened then his jaw dropped.

“Seriously, you couldn’t have waited till next week? Did it really have to be on my wedding day?” He asked.

“Clearly your wife is okay with that,” I said, smirking.

“Yeah, yeah here” he said, handing the money to me. Matt and Tim did the same. I made my way to Emma and Taryn, they both smiled when they saw me.

“Well i’m about to make both of you very happy” I said, they looked at me confused until i showed them the money.

“You guys won the bet” I continued.

“Oh my god, Finally” Emma said, hugging me. Taryn joined us.

“We’ve all been waiting for this to happen” Taryn said

“Well I'm just glad someone believed it would.” I said, making them laugh.

“I’m pretty sure everyone believed it would, we just didn’t know when” Emma said.

“Well i’m glad that i got to help you both make a little bit of money, i’ll let you guys go back to chatting, I’ll find you both later… enjoy your wedding sis "I told Emma.

“Thanks Yn, couldn’t be happier to receive two sisters,” she said.

“Love you both” i said smiling

“We love you too, now go back to Josh “ Taryn said. I started laughing while making my way back to Josh, who smiled when he saw me.

New Jersey, Two years later.

“You may now kiss the bride” the officiant said

Josh put his hand on my waist and pulled me into a passionate kiss.

All the cheering in the back was loud.

When we pulled away, we learned our foreheads together, smiling.

“I love you Mr. Norris” I said

“I love you more Mrs. Norris” he replied

“We finally have a sister” I heard Dalton yelling in the background making me giggle.

I can’t believe I just married the love of my life, it feels like forever ago we had just confessed our feelings for each other, on this exact balcony and now we're married.

I looked behind Josh to see my Brother Brady who is one of the groomsmen, he was crying which made me laugh.

“Brady, when did you become the emotional one in the family?” I joked, he just gave me the finger, with Matty slapping his hand down.

Looks like I found a love like Brady and Emma After all, I couldn’t be happier.

302 notes · View notes

huggybug · 2 years

Text

laps around the sun - matty beniers

word count: 0.9k words

short and sweet fic because that picture matty posted yesterday really spoke to me hehe. ALSO it’s been so long since i posted something for this series but i’m determined to finish it so expect more to come very soon!

series masterlist

The sun was setting on the horizon as you and Matty laid sprawled out on his parents’ patio furniture. Their house in Nantucket was your little sanctuary this summer, somewhere that you and Matty could live without a care in the world.

“We should get a place like this one day” You said carelessly. Your summer in Massachusetts was hands down the happiest you’ve been in a long time and whether it was because of the location or simple because Matty was here with you, it didn’t matter.

“Sure” He answered quickly.

You giggled, “You didn’t even think about it”

“Don’t have to. I’m down with anything you’re down for” Matty shrugged when you looked up at him curiously, “You should know, you don’t ever have to doubt it, you already know I’m all about it babe”

“Hm? What if I want to move to Mexico but you want to live in Switzerland?” Matty laughed at your question, leave it up to you to come up with the weirdest scenarios.

“I’m never going anywhere without you lady, don’t be crazy” Matty winked and you laughed, “You already got my lovin’ baby, I’m not stopping for nothing”

“You’re a cheeseball, Matthew Beniers” You scrunched up your face at him, laughing at the silly remark but Matty didn’t care how dumb it was, he was serious.

“Do you remember our first date?” Matty asks.

“Of course, you took me to the state fair and bam, Bob” Bob was the teddy bear that Matty won for you at a little booth that night. He was also known as your first son by the boys who also named him, Bob or Robert Bo Bobert, his full name crafted by none other than Mr. Brendan Brisson.

“I knew that night” He says simply and your eyebrows knit together in confusion.

You twisted around so that you were lying on your stomach and facing him, “Knew what?”

“That I love you liked crazy” He grinned and it made your heart flutter. No matter how many times he’s told you, it never got old.

“I love you too Matty”

“No like seriously, I’m gonna get you a ring one day, it’s us babe, forever” Matty was serious and he had never done anything to make you question him before so you believed him.

“Forever and ever” You agreed, “I’m gonna love you until the sun goes down and comes back up again”

“What-”

“It’s a metaphor Matthew Samuel, it means I’ll never stop… duh”

“We’ll just be going around in circles then” Matty laughed.

“I’ll happily go in circles with you as long as I get to keep you for as long as possible” You we’re still young, it was a little crazy to be talking about your future like this but nothing felt too crazy when it came to Matty. He was a very logical person, he never said anything he didn’t mean and he always saw things through.

You on the other hand, were a dreamer, you longed for the fairytale ending and you were sure that Matty was it for you. The mixture of your two personalities seemed to mesh perfectly and it made your relationship have a perfect balance.

“You’ve got me for as long as you’d like” Matty kissed your forehead gently.

“We’ll never be done taking laps around the sun” You promised, keeping the words light to relieve some of the tension and Matty nodded, reaching to hold onto your hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“You make loving you so easy, so fun” Matty mumbled. “I never want the summer to end” The end of summer meant your return to Michigan while Matty went back to Seattle for his rookie season. It wasn’t something you were particularly looking forward to and it was definitely something you had both been avoiding.

“While we're up here, it’s like our own little world” You sighed happily. You didn’t want to pop the bubble. It was something you two built up over the past couple months, staying away from everything and everyone to just soak up the time with each other.

“I know but we’ll make it through, right?” You could hear the slight wavering in his voice and you knew it was because of the stress of hockey and the distance, not your relationship itself.

If you were being honest, the distance terrified you. He was all the way on the west coast and going through such a drastic life change, you were a little nervous to find out how you’d fit into his life.

“Yeah… we’ll be okay” You weren’t planning on breaking up but stuff happens, you knew it would be ridiculous to assume you’d be together forever with no worries.

Matty’s fingers started playing with the ends of your hair as you two sat in silence. “I don’t want anything to happen to us”

You took a deep breath, trying to bring the energy back to how it was before, desperate for your happy little bubble again. “Laps around the sun babe, I’m telling you”

“You make me crazy” Matty grinned lazily.

“You love it” You chirped back.

“Absolutely”

#matty beniers x reader #matty beniers imagine #matty beniers fic #seattle kraken #laps around the sun series #hockey writing #nhl players #hockey fic #nhl fanfiction

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javierpena-inatacvest · 6 months

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MADELINE!!! CONGRATULATIONS ON 1000 FOLLOWERS!! ITS SO INCREDIBLY DESERVED

for your celebration,

i’d love to know 11 & 12 for personal questions!!

(also, i’m sorry that teaching has been rough for you and so many others lately. you don’t deserve to be treated poorly by anyone, whether it’s students, parents, or administrators. and you deserve like a million dollars for being an educator because god knows the politicians who decide teachers’ salaries could not survive a class of third graders for more than like an hour)

also, i have something naughty to say for NTL #8 🫣

which is premature ejaculation and then javi trying to make up for it

(someone send me to horny jail pls, i deserve it)

LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU 🫶🫶

Non, you are gonna make me cry, thank you so much for saying that, I appreciate you so much 😭🥹 I LOVE YOU!!!! 💕

11. What other jobs did I consider before teaching?

Graphic design!! I consider myself to be pretty artsy/creative and took a few photoshop classes in high school (unfortunately which all of those skills no longer live in my brain) but my self doubt was enough to convince me I wasn’t talented to actually go anywhere with it 🥴 I’ve always wanted to be a teacher though, every elementary school worksheet I ever filled out when asked “what do you want to be when you grow up!” Always had teacher as the answer! I did theatre from the time I was really young until senior year of high school which I loved, but I knew there was no way I was making it as an actor so that dream also lived and died quickly 😂

12. What other things do I do for fun?

At this point in the school year, it’s pretty much walk the dog, eat and go to bed at 8pm 😂 on weekends and later on in the year when I have my life together I love to go to concerts (I’m going to the 1975 on Halloween which I am VERY excited about!!), Michigan makes for distinct summers and winters so I snowboard and wakesurf (I used to also wakeboard but fun fact about me is I’ve had 5 concussions so I don’t do that anymore LOL), I’ll doodle and draw on my iPad, take my dog out on walks/Hikes, and this one I know is so weird but I LOVE cleaning 😂 it’s such a stress relief for me, I’ve been like this since I was a kid, I stg I vacuum our house every day hahahahhaha

8. Smut you haven’t seen yet

UM EXCUSE ME?!? Why has this thot never occurred to me?!?! Bc you KNOW Osita would think it’s so hot that he fell apart so quickly and you KNOW Javi would do anything to make it up to her 🥴😩 I need to go lie down for a moment 🫠

Come join me, I’m serving life in Javi horny jail anyways 🤪

#Madeline’s 1k Celebration

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holocene-sims · 2 years

Text

next // previous

may 28, 2021 2:30 p.m. newcrest counseling center

(tw for violence mention)

[grant] i guess, um...on a related note…

[margot] yes! what are you thinking?

[grant] every time i've talked to her since the night she first told me about all this has been a disaster. we’ve tried talking about it or just talking to each other and...it’s a hot mess.

[margot] in what way?

[grant] just the way she treats me. i already mentioned it earlier but she got mad when i expressed being upset after she broke the news to me. since then, it’s like she’s chasing me around trying to catch me in a conversation to force me to change my mind about things. she's very aggressive about it and acts like she wants me to just gloss over everything and forget it all happened.

[margot] what happened the first time when you were expressing your feelings?

[grant] i don't want to relive the whole thing but let's just say that i told her i was not happy with her and couldn't believe what she did. then i asked if i could leave to be alone for a while and she got, like, outrageously angry.

[grant] and then she, um...she hit me.

[margot] she assaulted you?

[grant] yes.

[grant] she apologized later. and i guess she seemed upset with herself over it. i don’t remember. i blocked it out. a lot of it. i remember everything up to her hitting me and then everything is super fuzzy after that.

[grant] but an apology isn’t really enough. like no, you hit me. and not only did you hit me but you did that totally with the full knowledge that i was physically abused as a child. that shit was targeted. she knew it would freak me out! sorry doesn’t cut it, even if she did feel bad, and it doesn't even matter because her apology was still, you know, like she was trying to convince me to forget it. you know, there’s a reason i refused to break up with her until it got to be too much. i was afraid of her.

[grant] but that’s a different thing. i stood up myself in the end so whatever. i brought this up because i don’t know, i guess because i feel like i didn't get any decent answers out of her ever but i'm also really not sure why she’s acting like this. i've never seen her like this at all. she can be mean but not like this. this is different. i don't understand the cheating and i don't understand all this.

[margot] i think you may have answered your own question.

[margot] it’s very possible she’s actually upset with herself about the cheating and is lashing out to protect herself. and maybe she’s also desperately trying to save the relationship, even if her approach is deeply disturbing. but no matter what her reasoning is, it will never excuse her behavior and i'm horrified to hear she resorted to physical violence. that’s terrible and i am so sorry you experienced that.

[margot] is she still living with you? because–

[grant] i don’t think she’d do it again, if you’re worried about my safety. i really don’t. she’s done some crazy stuff recently but i just can’t see her doing that a second time. she won’t do it after i stood up to her. i know she acted that way because she knows i'm a pushover and she guessed she could get her way with me. i think i proved her wrong.

[grant] but for now, she is still at the house. she said she’d be gone in a few weeks once she got things taken care of. i know if i told like 99% of my friends and family that i didn’t kick her out, they’d think i was delusional, but i'm just not that kind of person. maybe that’s me being a literal doormat in the end anyway but i don’t know. it would be cruel to do that. so what if she’s treated me like shit the last two weeks? i'm not going to stoop to the same level or act like her or whatever. i'm not going to throw her out of the house when she doesn’t have anywhere to go and kind of doesn’t know a single person here in the state of michigan who isn’t my relative or my friend. her people are in another country. she’d be homeless or in a hotel and that’s…

[grant] you know, i still love her. that’s probably obvious. i do love her. i love her enough that i'm completely heartbroken over our relationship even though she’s done everything in the world to run me off. she fucked me over, ruined our relationship all by herself...but i still love her. i didn’t propose to her for nothing. i didn’t get excited about our future and about moving in together for nothing. loving her was something i wanted. and i know enough about her to believe she’s not an evil person. i have zero empathy for my mom but i have it for päivi because i know what the better side of her is like. i also think this version of her right now isn’t her at all. i don’t know what it is but it isn’t her. and, um, sue me, i guess, but i'm not trying to give people a real taste of their own medicine. i want her out of my life immediately so i can heal and move on with life the best i can but i don’t want to ruin her life or hurt her.

[grant] and i'm sure this sounds like i'm completely spineless and a raging idiot and you’d probably disagree with me for saying all this but this is what me making my own decisions looks like. i do want her gone. i will never forgive her. i'm not making excuses for her or letting her get away with cheating and mistreatment. i'm still afraid of her and i don't even know if i can explain how much it hurts to have been betrayed like this. but for my own sake, i'm being as cordial as possible. i don’t want to see her, i don’t want to talk to her, but yelling at her and cutting her out was enough. it doesn’t bring me any joy to lash out at her or get revenge. i just want this to end.

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #disclaimer: domestic violence in any format is BAD and i am pro punching people who punch you #disclaimer 2: this is very much fictional and grant's decisions are not meant to be reflective of best practice #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: margot #hlcn: grant

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69balcony · 11 months

Text

Larry Kramer Speech at Cooper Union

“The Tragedy of Today’s Gays”

November 21, 2004

I think this has been the most difficult speech I have ever had to write and to deliver. It is a long speech. I pray you will bear with me until its end.

It is an attempt to give you some idea of who and what we are up against. It is also an attempt to discuss our ability to deal with these.

I recently learned about two dear friends, both exceptionally smart and talented and each in his own way a leader of our community. One, in his middle age, has sero-converted. The other, in his middle-age, has become hooked on crystal meth. Both of them are here with us tonight.

I love being gay. I love gay people. I think we’re better than other people. I really do. I think we’re smarter and more talented and more aware and I do, I do, I totally do. And I think we’re more tuned in to what’s happening, tuned into the moment, tuned into our emotions, and other people’s emotions, and we’re better friends. I really do think all these things.

To us it defies rational analysis that this incompetent dishonest man and his party should be re-elected. Or does it?

I hope we all realize that, as of November 2nd, gay rights are officially dead. And that from here on we are going to be led even closer to the guillotine. This past week almost 60 million of our so-called “fellow” Americans voted against us. Indeed 23% of self-identified gay people voted against us, too. That one I can’t figure.

The absoluteness of what has happened is terrifying. On the gay marriage initiatives alone: 2.6 million against us in Michigan. 3.2 million in Ohio. 1.1 million in Oklahoma, 2.2 million in Georgia. 1.2 million in Kentucky. George Bush won his Presidency of our country by selling our futures. Almost 60 million people whom we live and work with every day think we are immoral. “Moral values” was top of many lists of why people supported George Bush. Not Iraq. Not the economy. Not terrorism. “Moral values.” In case you need a translation that means us. It is hard to stand up to so much hate. Which of course is just the way they want it. Please know that a huge portion of the population of the United States hates us. I don’t mean dislike. I mean hate. You may not choose to call it hate, but I do. Not only because they refuse us certain marital rights but because they have also elected a congress that is overflowing with men and women who refuse us just about every other right to exist as well. “Moral values” is really a misnomer; it means just the reverse. It means they think we are immoral. And that we’re dangerous and contaminated. How do you like being called immoral by some 60 million people? This is not just anti-gay. This is what Doug Ireland calls “homo hate” on the grandest scale. How do we stand up to 60 million people who have found a voice and a President who declares he has a mandate?

The new Supreme Court, due any moment now, will erase us from the slate of everything possible in no time at all. Gay marriage? Forget it. Gay anything, forget it. Civil rights for gays? Equal protection for gays. Adoption rights? The only thing we are going to get from now on is years of increasing and escalating hate. Surely you must know this. Laws and regulations that now protect us will be repealed and rewritten. Please know all this. With the arrival of this second term of these hateful people we come even closer to our extinction. We should have seen it coming. We are all smart people. How could we not have been prepared?

They have not exactly been making a secret of their hate. This last campaign has seen examples of daily hate on tv and in the media that I do not believe the world has witnessed since Nazi Germany. I have been reading Ambassador Dodd’s Diary; he was Roosevelt’s ambassador to Germany in the 30’s, and people are always popping in and out of his office proclaiming the most awful things out loud about Jews. It has been like that.

All Mary Cheney is is a lesbian! Even her mother is hateful! That Cheney must be one fucked-up kid to stick around that family. I hope she doesn’t want to teach school. One of the reelected Congress persons vows to make it illegal for lesbians to teach school.

I know many people look to me for answers. Perhaps that is why many of you are here. You want answers? We’re living in pigshit and its up to each one of us to figure out how to get out of it. You must know that by now. Crystal meth is not an answer. You must know that by now. And quite frankly statistically it is only happening to so few of us that it is hard to get anyone worked up about that problem. Just as it hard to get worked up about a middle-aged man with brains who sero-converts. You want to kill yourself. Go kill yourself. I’m sorry. It takes hard work to behave like an adult. It takes discipline. You want it to be simple. It isn’t simple. Yes it is. Grow up. Behave responsibly. Fight for your rights. Take care of yourself and each other. These are the answers. It takes courage to live. Are you living? Not so I can see it. Gay people are all but invisible to me now. I wish you weren’t. But you are. And I look real hard.

No one likes to be told to grow up. It’s insulting. But these are always the answers. They will always be the answers. The only answers. There will never be any other answers. Grow up. Behave responsibly. Fight for your rights. Take care of yourself and each other. Be proud of yourself. Be proud you are gay. I don’t know why so many find all this so complicated. But then I am 69 years old and have less patience for the many problems I had myself when young. It is one of the privileges of getting old.

It is 25 years since 100,000 of us marched on Washington.

The Aids service organizations are all about to collapse. No money. And the problem is too big to handle anymore. We have not slowed this thing down at all. $100 billion we’re spending on Iraq. This is a conscious choice by our “leaders” and by a large portion of the population of this country. They have in their infinite and never-ending cruelty decided this was the most effective thing to do with 100 billion dollars that might also end Aids, and a few other things like worldwide hunger. But the cabal doesn’t care about these. People say: well we can’t take care of the rest of the world. That is so stupid. The rest of the world is us. We are so intertwined geopolitically that we cannot separate ourselves off into parts, into sections. Those days are over. If they ever were here. We have everything required to save the world except the will to do it. In a recent New Yorker piece Michael Specter writes that because of Aids Russia is on its way to disappearing. Disappearing. Imagine that.

The immense knowledge we have learned about Aids has provided us with precious little more than that knowledge. HIV/AIDS is now the worst disaster in recorded human history. In parts of Africa 7000 people are infecting each other each and every day. We who are here are idiots if we think this fact is not going to alter our lives mightily. If your company loses enough world markets, which it most certainly will, you are going to lose your job. You will not have health insurance, for a start. And for a finish. Economies are simply going to collapse. This is already happening.

In 1990, that is some nine years into what was happening, 46% of gay men in San Francisco were still fucking without condoms.

60% of the syphilis in America today is in gay men. Excuse me, men who have sex with men.

Palm Springs has the highest number of syphilis cases in California. Palm Springs?

I do not want to hear each week how many more of you are becoming hooked on meth.

HIV infections are up as much as 40%.

You cannot continue to allow yourselves and each other to act and live like this!

One of these days the miraculous drugs we have to keep us alive are going to stop working. Our systems cannot process these extreme chemotherapies indefinitely. That is what we are on. We are on daily chemotherapy. No one wants to call it that. We call it the cocktail. We are on chemotherapy! Chemotherapy either kills the disease or kills us! What are we going to do when they don’t work any longer?

Some 70 million people so far are expected to die. “July 3, 1981, Rare cancer seen in 41 homosexuals.” When I first started yelling about whatever it was there were 41 cases. THERE ARE NOW OVER 70 MILLION WHO HAVE BEEN INFECTED WITH HIV. Somebody up there is really listening, don’t you think? There is no way that all infected people can be saved. No one ever says that out loud. Have you noticed? Somehow in some dream world we are going to get treatment into 70 million people. It is never going to happen. IT IS TOO LATE. We told them. But they didn’t do anything. Did you notice? Nobody every does anything. I hope it’s finally dawning on you that maybe they didn’t and don’t want to. So, in case you haven’t noticed, we have lost the war against Aids. I thought I’d tell you that, too. I hope you might have noticed. I can’t tell.

The President refuses to buy generic drugs for dying people. He is still saying he is waiting to hear if they are safe. These drugs have been approved. In some cases for several years. Does this sound like a President who wants to save anyone?

I do not understand why some of you believe that because we have drugs that deal with the virus more or less effectively that it is worth the gamble to have unprotected sex. These drugs are not easy to take. There are many side effects. Not life but certainly comfort threatening. I must allow at least one day out of every week or two to feel really shitty, to have no sleep, to be constipated, to have diarrhea, to require blood tests and monitoring at hospitals or in doctors’ offices, and to have the shakes. The shakes, which come often, are not useful with a mouse or reading a newspaper or with a lover in your arms. And I don’t enjoy eating anymore. Keeping on weight is a constant problem. I have dry mouth. I get up six or seven times a night to pee. Many of the meds we are now taking are new meds and were approved quickly and side effects have a sneaky way of showing up after FDA approval, not before. I recently discovered that I was taking an FDA approved dose of Viread that has turned out to be five times the amount I actually need. We are all probably taking too much or too little of every single one of our drugs. Doctors don’t want to test for this; tests are not readily available. You have to do a lot of homework yourselves on these drugs. Is a fuck without a condom worth not being able to taste food? Obviously for too many of you it is.

My lover often sits on top of me to make me eat. The first time this happened I was in the hospital just after my liver transplant and I wouldn’t eat and Dr. Fung said I had to eat, or else I would die, and I just couldn’t eat (do you know how strange this is to someone who was always on a diet?). It was New Year’s Eve. We were in beautiful downtown Pittsburgh. David had brought a hamper filled with my favorite dishes. And I could not eat anything. Furiously he crawled into bed with me, boots and all, and started to cry. “We haven’t come this far for you to die because you won’t eat,” he screamed, tears streaming down his face. I will never forget that. I will never forget this man I love so much in bed with me with his snowy boots on starting slowly to spoon into me whatever he’d made and I trying so desperately hard to swallow it, looking at him, this man I love so much, doing this for me, both of us now bawling our eyes out and hugging each other in this strange bed in this strange town, wondering how we got here.

It’s so wonderful being a gay person. I said that before. I’m going to say it again. I love being gay. And I love gay people. I think we’re better than other people. I really do. I think we’re smarter and more talented and more aware and I do, I do, I totally do. And I think we’re more tuned in to what’s happening, tuned into the moment, tuned into our emotions, and other people’s emotions, and we’re better friends. I really do think all of these things. And I try not to forget them.

Since the very first day of this plague we have been given, almost as if by some cosmic intentionality, American leaders who most assuredly wish us dead. There can no longer be any way to deny this fact. Each day brings more and more acts of hatred. Tell me it is not so. Tell me that the amount of good that is being attempted is not totally and intentionally overwhelmed by the evil. Point out to me how this is not so. I cannot see it. I have been unable to see it since July 3, 1981. I thought it was because it was a tricky virus. That is what we have been told. It’s a very tricky virus. I hoped for a while. But we are being played for chumps and it has been so since July 3, 1981. And we never saw it.

We of course continue to be in our usual state of total denial and disarray. Whatever structure the gay world had, if we ever had one, is gone. Our organizations stink. Almost every single one of them. I cannot think of one single gay organization that despite the best will in the world is now anything but worthless to us. Oh maybe one or two. We have no power. Nobody listens to us. We have no access to power. The cabal disdains us totally. We are completely disposable. It is a horror show. There is not one single person in Washington who will get us or give us anything but shit and more shit. I’m sorry. This is where we are now. Nowhere. And you expect me to cry for you if you get hooked on meth or can’t stop the circuit parties or the orgies. OK, I feel sorry for you. Does that change nything? I would say I feel sorry for myself, but I don’t. I know I am fighting as hard as I can. I may not be getting anywhere but I am trying. It’s exhausting and I have to do it every day, every single day, like taking my meds which if I stop I know my body will cease doing something or other. I have accidentally missed a few days of meds and boy do I know fast that was a mistake.

I fear for us as a people. Is that crazy? I am always being called crazy by somebody. I love being called crazy. That’s a sign to me that I’m on the right track. Maybe it takes a crazy person to see into the future and see what’s coming. Straight people say “my how much progress gay people are making. Isn’t that Will and Grace wonderful.” If it’s so wonderful why am I scared to death? More and more I am filled with dread. That is my truth that I bring to you today. Larry is scared. Do you see what I see? I don’t think so. Most gay people I see appear to me to act as if they’re bored to death. Too much time on your hands, my mother would say. Hell, if you have time to get hooked on crystal and do your endless rounds of sex-seeking, you have too much time on your hands. Ah, you say, aren’t we to have a little fun? Can’t I get stoned and try barebacking one last time. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND! At this moment in our history, no, you cannot. Anyway, we had your fun and look what it got us into. And it is still getting us into. You kids want to die? Because that’s what I sometimes think. Well, then, die.

You cannot continue to allow yourselves and each other to act and live like this!

And by the way, when are you going to realize that for the rest of your lives, probably for the rest of life on earth, you are never going to be able to have sex with another person without a condom! Never! Every time you even so much as consider this I want you to hear my voice screaming like crazy in your ears. STOP! DON’T! NEVER! NO WAY, JOSE! Canadian scientists now warn that even partners who are both un-infected should practice safe sex. As I understand it, more and more new viruses and mutant viruses and partial viruses that are not understood are floating around. Are you ready for that one?

Does it ever occur to you how much you have been robbed by both your country and your behavior? America let the men who should have carved out a space for you in the social discourse, the development of your history and being, America let these men who should have been your role models die. So there is this big empty space in which you live. And you don’t know where to go or how to fill it in. This is not my original thought but Michael Brown’s of the NYU gay student organizations that helped to bring me here, who gave me this to think about. It is sad for a young gay person to feel this way.

I had people to follow and many of you have not. No baton was passed to you. In a way you must start everything over. You must invent a world from which you can move forward from. This is both an extraordinarily exciting challenge and a terrifying one, one that can just as easily leave you by the wayside as make a new man of you. I say man because it is gay men who appear to have the greatest difficulty, it seems to me, in moving forward, getting off their particular dime.

Many of you deny the horrors of what happened to your predecessors. That is something I do not understand. Every moral code I know of requires respect for the dead. I often hear that many of you don’t want to know about them or admit to them. You disdain anyone older who was there.

This is denial of a most destructive nature. You cannot move forward without accepting your past. I am going to say that again. We cannot move forward without accepting and understanding our past. We were as varied as you are. We were no different, really. We were very different from those who preceded us. We were the first free gay generation and we were murdered because of our freedom. And yes you were robbed of this freedom that for obvious reasons could not be passed on to you as your heritage. So instead of being understanding of all this, you condemn your predecessors to non-existence and flounder into a future that you seem unable to fashion into anything you can hold on to that gives you emotional sustenance. You refuse to be part of any community. But if you don’t have any community you have no political strength. You are too busy denying and disassociating to know that. You do not seem able, it seems to me, to fashion your future. To discover what you want. You don’t even ask what you want. You don’t even ask what you need. Your needs are as mighty as needs always have been, but you don’t ask what they are, which amazes me. How can you not have curiosity about your future as a gay person? Don’t you want to go anywhere? Do you want to stay where you are? That is too bad if you do because we are about to enter a place more monstrously worse. You can deny that, as you deny those of us who went before you, but just know that down this path of your numerous denials lies your own continued destruction, the continuing destruction of gay people as gay people, which this cabal of haters I shall shortly describe, and its supporters, which are legion, are intent on accomplishing with increasingly ruthless vengeance. If you do not fight back you will be murdered in ways just as hideous as the ways in which we got murdered.

Every single president since 1981 has denied our existence and denied the existence of AIDS. And we let them get away with it. Oh a few thousand of us fought for the drugs that we got but many millions of us did nothing and of course an enormous number of them died. They died because they lost their health along their journey of non-involvement and their lack of responsibility to their brothers and sisters. Instead of learning from this lesson, you are repeating it. And you are acting like this with your health intact, many of you, which strikes me as even more perverse than what your dead predecessors did to destroy themselves.

Does it occur to you that we brought this plague of aids upon ourselves? I know I am getting into dangerous waters here but it is time. With the cabal breathing even more murderously down our backs it is time. And you are still doing it. You are still murdering each other. Please stop with all the generalizations and avoidance excuses gays have used since the beginning to ditch this responsibility for this fact. From the very first moment we were told in 1981 that the suspected cause was a virus, gay men have refused to accept our responsibility for choosing not to listen, and, starting in 1984, when we were told it definitely was a virus, this behavior turned murderous. Make whatever excuses you can to carry on living in your state of denial but this is the fact of the matter. I wish we could understand and take some responsibility for the fact that for some 30 years we have been murdering each other with great facility and that down deep inside of us, we knew what we were doing. Don’t tell me you have never had sex without thinking down deep that there was more involved in what you were doing than just maintaining a hard-on.

I have recently gone through my diaries of the worst of the plague years. I saw day after day a notation of another friend’s death. I listed all the ones I’d slept with. There were a couple hundred. Was it my sperm that killed them, that did the trick? It is no longer possible for me to avoid this question of myself. Have you ever wondered how many men you killed? I know I murdered some of them. I just know. You know how you sometimes know things? I know. Several hundred over a bunch of years, I have to have murdered some of them, planting in him the original seed. I have put this to several doctors. Mostly they refuse to discuss it, even if they are gay. Most doctors do not like to discuss sex or what we do or did. (I still have not heard a consensus on the true dangers of oral sex, for instance.) They play blind. God knows what they must be thinking when they examine us. Particularly if they aren’t gay. One doctor answered me, it takes two to tango so you cannot take the responsibility alone. But in some cases it isn’t so easy to answer so flippantly. The sweet young boy who didn’t know anything and was in awe of me. I was the first man who fucked him. I think I murdered him. The old boyfriend who did not want to go to bed with me and I made him. The man I let fuck me because I was trying to make my then boyfriend, now lover, jealous. I know, by the way, that that other one is the one who infected me. You know how you sometime know things? I know he infected me. I tried to murder myself on that one.

Has it never, ever occurred to you that not using a condom is tantamount to murder? I cannot believe you have never considered this. It is such a simple and intelligent thought to have. And we all should have had it from day one. Why didn’t we? That has been haunting me for a while, that question. Why didn’t we? It is incredibly selfish not to have at least thought that question at that moment, all those moments when we were playing Russian roulette.

>From here on I am going to get even more complicated. I want you to pay attention. This is the most important part of this speech.

Bill Moyers recently said this in a speech on October 20, 2004 at the Palace Hotel:

“For years now, the corporate, political, and religious right—this is documented from 1971 on—the religious and political right has been joined in an axis of influence whose purpose is to take back the gains of the democratic renewal in the 20th century and restore America to a rule of the elites that maintain their privilege and their power at the expense of everyone else. For years now, a small fraction of American households have been garnering an extreme concentration of wealth and income while large corporations and financial institutions have obtained unprecedented levels of economic and political power over daily life.”

“Take note,” Moyers continues. “The corporate, political, and religious conservatives are achieving a vast transformation of America that only they understand because they are its advocates, its architects, and its beneficiaries. In creating the greatest inequality in America since 1929, they have saddled our nation, our States, and our cities and counties with structural defects that will last until our children’s children are ready for retirement, and they are systematically stripping government of all its functions, except rewarding the rich and waging war.”

In other words, our country has been taken away from us by a cabal that includes all the people who hate us.

These people make the rules. They are rarely elected officials. They may or may not know each other. They have several things in common. They are very rich or have strong connections to money or power. They are in agreement on what they do not want. They believe fervently in their God. And that they are doing all this for Him. And they stay in constant touch.

I hope you realize that all these people Bill Moyers is talking about hate us. Thriller writers write better histories of our times than actual historians.

Anyway, it is done. What Moyers is talking about. It’s already happened. On a scale of such magnitude that it is difficult to see how we can ever take it back. It’s all in place now, this cabal of power. It almost doesn’t make any difference who is president.

You want to know why AIDS was allowed to happen. This is your answer. You want to know why gay people have no power and are unlikely to get any. This is your answer.

The top 1% of wealth holders control 39% of total household wealth.

The richest 5% of households own 2/3 of the value of all stock owned in the our country.

The the top 1% have as many after-tax dollars to spend as the bottom 100 million.

The richest 20% of households received almost 50% of the national income, while the bottom 20% received only 3%.

At a time when 265 people in the United States were billionaires, 32 million people were living beneath the official poverty line.

This inequality gap in the United States is the highest in the industrialized world.

“That drive,” Moyers continues, “is succeeding with drastic consequences for an equitable access to public resources, the lifeblood of any democracy. From land, water, and natural resources, to media and the broadcast and digital spectrums, to scientific discovery and medical breakthroughs, and even to politics itself, a broad range of American democracy is undergoing a powerful shift in the direction of private control.

“We are experiencing a fanatical drive to dismantle the political institutions, the legal and statutory canons, and the intellectual and cultural frameworks that have shaped public responsibility for social harms arising from the excesses of private power.”

In 1971, Lewis Powell, a Richmond lawyer who called himself a centrist, was secretly commissioned by the U.S. Chamber of Congress to write a confidential plan on how to take back America for the survival of the free enterprise system. Not democracy. Free enterprise. Barry Goldwater had lost, Nixon was about to implode, Vietnam had sucked the nation’s soul dry, the cabal saw their world unraveling. They saw the women’s movement, black civil rights. student war protests, the cold war. They saw the world as they knew it coming to an end. (We are not the first to feel our world crumbling and becoming powerless.)

This is what Lewis Powell wrote: “Survival lies in organization, in careful long range planning, in consistency of action over an indefinite period of years, in the scale of financing only available through joint effort and in the political power available only through united action.”

This was the birth of what is now called the vast right wing conspiracy. It is known as the Powell Manifesto. You can google Lewis Powell (not the one who helped to assassinate Lincoln) and read it in its entirety.

Under the supervision of some of the richest families in America, that plan has been followed faithfully since 1971 and it has resulted in these past years of horror and the reelection of George Bush. Nine families and their foundations, all under the insistent goading of Joseph Coors, have financed much of this. The Bradley Foundation. The Smith Richardson Foundation. Four Scaife Family Foundations, The John M. Olin Foundation. The Castle Rock (or Coors) Foundation. Three Koch Family Foundations. The Earhart Foundation. The JM Foundation. The McKenna Foundation. From 1985 to 2001 alone they contributed $650 million to this conservative message campaign. They have helped to launch and gain financing for networks of newspapers and magazines. They have seen to it that hundreds of the most powerful think tanks have appeared, including the Heritage Foundation, the Hoover Institute, the American Enterprise, Cato, Manhattan, Hudson Institutes, and many more. There are now in place an ever growing number of well-funded student organizations at many colleges. There are legal advocacy foundations, such as the Center For Individual Rights and Judicial Watch. There are Leadership Institutes and Action Institutes and Institutes on Religion and Public Policy and Religion and Democracy. There is a heavily visible media participation: Fox Television and Pat Robertson and Oliver North and Radio America and the Washington Times and Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, to name but a very few, including the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal.

For the preparation of this manifesto, Lewis Powell was rewarded by Richard Nixon with a seat on the Supreme Court, where among other things he voted against gays in Bowers v. Hardwick, and against Black people in Bakke v. University of California.

It is vital for us to realize that this plan was written in 1971. The people it was written for did not go off then to a disco, or to the Pines or into therapy, or into drugs. They took this plan and they have executed it religiously every day and night for the next thirty-five years initially with some 400 million dollars and always from then until now with unending hours of backbreaking, grinding, unglamorous work, of civic engagements county by county across the entire expanse of America. They took the richest and most liberal nation in the history of civilization and turned it hard right into a classist, racist, homophobic imperial army of pirates. 30% of America now self-identify as conservative or extremely conservative. When Lewis Powell wrote his Manifesto that figure was less than 10%.

And on the morning of November 3d we wrung our hands and wondered why.

And we have a community that still cannot decide on what we want or what to do. We are completely inept at organizing ourselves and have a monstrously bad record of attempting unity.

The continuing existence of HIV is essential for the functioning of the totalitarianism under which gay people now live. It works out like this: HIV allows “them” to sell us as sick. And that kills off our usefulness, both in our own minds, their thinking we are sick, and in the eyes of the world, everyone thinking we are sick. All of this obliterates the consciousness of those who should help us and don’t. This liquidates and incinerates our individuality and our spontaneity, our abilities to fight back, to hold our oppressors to task. They want to keep HIV going as long as they can! Why haven’t we seen that? The signs have always been there! But like everything else we couldn’t believe them. No one could be as cruel as that. They want to make us superfluous. Their media, their newspapers, their networks will see to it that our good qualities are invisible.

It should therefore come as no surprise that when HIV came along they, this cabal, facilitated its rapid deployment and continue to do so. Before even making the feeblest attempt to commence any miniscule response or inquiry into what their press was not reporting, which they most certainly knew about themselves, they waited until masses of us had all been exposed to the whatever it was. We on the other hand chose to not believe that the whatver it was was a virus until this was incontestably proved. But they knew what it was, or were willing to take the chance and hope that it was, and they just sat back and waited. Their wildest dreams then started to come true. The faggots were disappearing and they were doing it to themselves! I can locate no work of any urgency, or indeed much work at all on aids for most of the period between 1981-1984. Oh many claim it, as many claim seeing cases many years earlier, which I also doubt, but I cannot locate whatever these are claiming. In those four years almost every gay man who had fucked in America had been exposed to the virus.

And when they did start doing anything it was with such feebleness that it amounted to nothing for ten years. You can give me all kinds of reasons why it took so long but my research has convinced me that the actual scenario was completely intentional neglect. Oh perhaps not the doctors or the scientists. But they had no money. And they were not going to get any money. Or enough money. People upstairs were going to see to it that there would be no money. Let even more people get infected first. Blacks, junkies, prostitutes. Every color of skin but straight white. Every religion but Christian. Excuse me, white Christian. Then we’ll throw them a few pennies to make it look like we’re concerned.

The cabals Bill Moyers talked about have called all the shots in facilitating and accelerating the plague of aids. If scientists discovered something useful, it has rarely been available. I spoke earlier about the refusal of this president to allow already approved generic drugs out to a desperate Africa and elsewhere. Of that huge Congressional approval of many billions for HIV around the world that Bush brags about, something less that 2% has left Washington almost four years after its approval. Does this sound like a President and a government and a country that wants to help?

I guess I have suspected behavior like this all along. But I never knew it in quite the way that I have now come to see it thanks to Bill Moyers: intentionality is the only word to describe the genocidal treatment the world is drowning in. Much of the world, most assuredly including us, has been intentionally hung out to die. So far some 70 million of us. That is some manifesto Lewis Powell birthed. And all we have to do is keep fucking each other without condoms and the rest of their “moral issues” will be dead.

Do you seriously think they care about the continuing rise again of HIV infections? They are grateful for them. Do you think they care about a sudden plague of crystal? They thank us for our cooperation. And we thought for one brief second of time that we might even be allowed to marry the ones we love.

And while all this happened, even if we had enough suspicions to act, what did we do? We completely shrank from our duty of opposition. Those are Christopher Isherwood’s words: “the duty of opposition.” But he was flagellating himself with these words. He fears that should he have to live face to face with a war in his backyard that he “would shrink from the duty of opposition.”

Marriage? Forget it. Non-discrimination laws? Forget them. Those that have been enacted will be rescinded or amended into toothlessness. Adoption? Equal rights? Forget everything. We are going to be erased into nothingness. They hate us so much and now they are in complete and utter power, the most dangerous situation in the world for the unwanteds to live under. And I no longer think it matters who is President. Clinton turned out to be as rotten for us as George Bush, either one.

Ok, keep putting your life in jeopardy. 110 of their drug companies certainly want you to do so. Keep dancing your asses off at circuit parties all over the world as you go down to the sea in ships that are made to intentionally capsize and take you down with them. Ok, keep being bored and crying for your poor selves. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. With our complete cooperation they have already murdered several generations of us so far. They won’t have to murder so many more of us to get their wish. Like Russia, we will disappear. That is what they want to do. Disappear us. And now they are able to officially do it. George Bush has his mandate. Can’t you see all this! People high up there in their secret powwows don’t want us here. Word has come down from on high: get rid of the faggots once and for all. You think the law will protect us? Think again. Wait until you see the new Supreme Court.

You are here as a gay person because of certain events and certain people who lived and suffered and died before you. You must learn about them and not continually deny their existence and importance in our history, the history of gay people in America. You must learn about them! They have made your life possible! What kind of person doesn’t want to learn about themselves? I don’t know why but you don’t want to. Most of our fellow gays don’t read books about us. Or come to plays about us. What do you want to do? I don’t know. And for all I can tell in talking to many of you, you don’t know either. And this is very frightening. A large uncongealed mass of potentially superior beings doesn’t know what to do with themselves or bother to learn their history. So they dance. So they drug. So they go on to the internet to find more sex. These are useful lives being wasted. Why is that? Why is there no useful creativity going on? Why is there no mental agility visible, no audible questioning discussions of… almost anything of importance? Don’t you long for some involvement in the humanity that you belong to, for your place in the scheme of things? You don’t know how to make entrance on these playing fields, is that it? I don’t know what is wrong with us. I wish you could tell me. What do you do with yourselves all week long, seven days and nights a week, that amounts to anything really important? I can’t see many of you as doing anything important, to give your lives meaning. Oh I can see lots of frocks on the runway but I can’t see bodies inside of them, bodies with brains and concerned with anything but pretty and orgasms. What do you do to make your world, our world, a better place? A world that needs every bit of help it can get, our world, not their world. You don’t seem able to connect with anyone beyond the basest ways.

“Why can’t we look at our bodies and see not just a sexual definition? Why can’t we see in the body all that the body represents? Sexuality, yes. But also mortality, humanness, humaneness, innocence, purity, health, sickness, strength, consideration, responsibility, divinity. When did we rob our bodies of all the complexity they possess? Why do we refuse to see all that we are capable of? All the other things that make us full beings.” That very beautiful paragraph was written by my friend, Jordan Roth, who is one day going to be a very fine writer if he just keeps at it.

Do you know you are taking the same crystal meth as Hitler? The stuff that was being used well into 1997, the government outlawed one of the ingredients and so the orignal process was resurrected, the one as used by the Nazis. It was first synthesized by the Germans in the early part of the 20th century. Hitler was a crystal addict. The new version is much more potent than the stuff you were taking before 1997, which is the main reason why it is so hard to break an addiction. Dr. Howard Grossman told me this bit of history. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you about the Hitler part. To the more twisted among you it may be a turn-on.

I love being gay. I love gay people. I think we’re better than other people. I really do. I think we’re smarter and more talented and more aware and I do, I do, I totally do. I really do think all of these things. And I try very hard to remember all this.

But I am finding that I am not so proud of being gay anymore. It’s come over me slowly. As much as I love being gay and I love gay people I’m not proud of us right now. It’s disappeared. I almost could say we’ve disappeared. But since you are here I can’t quite say that. But that’s how I feel.

I do not see us, don’t you see? I do not see us! They are killing us. They are eradicating us from this earth. Little by little by little we are disappearing. I do not see us and I am beginning to see us less and less.

I have recently come to believe that gay men and women are tragic people. We are so wonderful but we are also so fucked up. So blind. So ignorant in ways to look after ourselves. So uninterested in the Outside World that is subsuming us when we thought we were making them pretty and giving them songs to sing. So without agendas to utilize our wonderful-ness. We know who the enemy is and we just stand here letting them shoot us over and over again. WE STAND HERE AND LET THEM DO IT! All of the brains and abilities we have among us are useless. The smartest among us, our famous ones, our rich ones, seem to allow this most of all. The ones who should help us and speak up for us refuse that responsibility. We have enough rich gay men and lesbians to finance a takeover of the world but their brains and their money and their skills are not available to to help us. To lead us. To inspire us. To finance us. To be like Lewis Powell’s Nine Families. That, too is tragic. To have so much money and to not to use it for brothers and sisters, for family, for our continuation here on earth. Why is that? Rockefeller tithed himself from his very first dollar, to go to his church for his salvation. Please, can we get word to every rich gay person to show up to help save us. We need our Nine Families desperately.

Public service: how many religions demand this of their members? How much public service in behalf of your brothers and sisters, your family, have you performed recently? Don’t tell me you don’t know what to do. If you can find another ass to fuck, and you seem endlessly inventive at accomplishing this, then you should be able to locate a more useful and responsible outlet.

For a few brief years we had some noble moments, of togetherness and anger and progress. Not many of us, mind you. If you are still alive, you know who you were and where you were during those worst years of our mass murder. You know what you did and what you didn’t. And I know too. I know that most of you, should you still be alive, didn’t do a goddamned thing. In fact, you were ashamed of us, many of you were. I remember that as well as I remember those who died. “Friends” crossing the street to avoid me because I was advising cooling it. I was actually told to not come back to Fire Island Pines. Lots of people come up to me now on the street and say, thank you for what you did for us. I do not consider that a compliment. My response quite often’s been a curt Fuck You, why aren’t you doing it too! I don’t do anything that anyone else couldn’t do. I just do it, and some 10 or 15,000 other people did it too then. And the rest of you sat on your asses. And, those of you who are still alive, know who you were and how little you did.

Yes for one brief moment in time we got angry. Correction, a few of us got angry. Of all our many many millions of gay people in this country, about 10,000 of us or so got angry enough to accomplish something. We got drugs. We got aids care. We got enough so we could continue fucking again. That in the end is what it amounted to. As soon as we got the drugs, you went right back to what got us into such trouble in the first place. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? The cabal can’t believe their good fortune.

How many gay people in America in those years of Aids? Ten million? Twenty million? Thirty million? How many of us are there now? We don’t even know how many of us there are! Or how many we lost! And every time some statistical number is released by some faceless organization or government office, I always wonder: how the fuck do they know how many of us there are when we don’t even know how many of us there are? And none of our so-called gay organizations ever bothers to find out. It would be nice to know, helpful to know. Don’t you think?

You know, it isn’t meant to be easy, life. I don’t know why it isn’t meant to be easy, but it just isn’t, so we might as well get used to it and try to find things that give us a certain sense of pride. We must create ourselves as something we can live with. It takes energy, yes. Why are we so crippled intellectually? Oh, we study sexuality and gender stuff until it comes out of every university’s asshole but we don’t study history, who we were and where we came from and our roots, the wellsprings of our historical existence. We do not honor our dead as we do not honor ourselves. We continue without surcease to be and remain, endlessly, day after day, helpless victims. “In my country when they raise the bus fares, we burn the buses,” a Brazilian journalist said to me as she watched a sparsely attended Act Up demonstration.

There is never one single hour that a disenfranchised minority does not have to fight to breathe and stay alive. The hate out there will never lessen. It only grows and grows, this hate. Most of you refuse to face this. I hate you for your doing that. I really do. I have no more patience for this kind of weakness. I know this is uncharitable of me. I don’t care. I am too tired of fighting with so few troops. You are now dancing your own dance of death, you know. And I hate you for this, too. Grow up, I beg you. Oh, grow up.

Time goes by so fast. We are allotted so precious little of it on this earth. How sad that you use it so stupidly. Every minute that goes by is gone forever. You who have been given a new lease on life, the very gift of life itself, piss it away. It is so incomprehensible to me who has come so close to death a couple times. I find your inactivity and ingratitude and lack of imagination on how to act in emergencies incongruous, incomprehensible, insulting. And unacceptable. I could never understand during all those years of Aids why every single person facing death would not fight to save his own life. And I cannot understand now how, life having been given back to us again, again you treat your life with such contempt.

Yes, all that I have spoken of tonight is the stuff of tragedy.

I wish we could truly look upon each other as brothers and sisters. It sounds corny I am told when I keep using terms like this. How can we be related I am asked dismissively. You do not know or want to know that we have been on this earth as long as anyone else and that we have as many available heroes and heroines as anyone else. Your family has been here a very long time and has an ancient and distinguished lineage. You must learn that Abraham Lincoln was gay and George Washington and Meriwether Lewis and so many others we are only just beginning to uncover. But they will not let gay history be taught in schools and universities. And we seem unable to teach ourselves. My own college, Yale, with $1 million of my own brother’s money to do just this, will not teach what I call gay history, unencumbered with the prissy incomprehensible gobbledygook of gender studies and queer theory. Abraham Lincoln did not talk that language.

We richly deserve the government we have received. We do not even know who we are. And our enemies participate in their convictions every day of their lives. We only show up when we want to, which is not very often. But then perhaps you do not love being gay. Or think we are better than other people, and smarter and more talented and more tuned into what is happening, and are better friends.

I leave the hardest topic we must face till last.

How do we fight as a united front when they don’t approve of our “behavior” and when our behavior is inseparable from our beings? How do we fight as a united front when some of us won’t or are unable to change certain behaviors that many of us have difficulty in supporting and defending ourselves? We’ve been so concerned about showing the world a united front. We feel the need to say that everything gay people do is good and it simply isn’t so. We must have an honest discussion amongst ourselves about what’s good and what isn’t. This is of course the problem that has finally brought us down because we have refused to deal with it, and perhaps is one reason today’s youngsters have difficulty in acknowledging our past. It is the unfaced devil in our closet, if you will, that we have refused to deal with and which, now, now that they have achieved their position of imperial power, will be used to hang us once and for all. To be crude about it, how do we market and sell our wishes and our needs as they have been able to package and sell their wants and needs so successfully for thirty-five years? How do we frame this issue? How do we claim the God that they have subsumed into their own ownership? It is inhuman to think that the only way we can get through to some safe other side is by policing each other and in so doing destroy whatever hope we have of getting along? If they have been able to convince this country that the Republicans are the party of the people, surely so many sons and daughters can be smart enough to find a way to sell our parents permission to co-exist.

I do not know how to answer any of this. And I don’t think anyone among us does either. To talk out loud about what our bodies have done and continue to do is asking for trouble from others of us. How do we admit our past, own it, and evolve from it and move on? For we must do this.

I know some of you will immediately jump up to act. I caution rushing off to form anything quite so fast until we decide how we want to deal with what I have raised tonight. I know many of you are prepared to tough it out and say to them, “fuck you, I am what I am.” And point out quite rightly that they have simply pushed us too far and, no matter what we have done and continue to do we simply cannot allow them to treat us this way any longer. We are human beings as much as they are, and their God is the same as our God and He simply cannot be allowed to be as punishing as they are requiring Him to be.”

But this is perhaps too honest and reasonable to say to those who are not either. Reasoning like this has not worked for us in the past. But I sense that ignoring this question of responsibility for much that has murdered us will only please them more.

These are the problems we must confront as we go forward. If you are going to fight in a united way, which I am convinced is now the only way that can save us, we must find a platform that all of us can support without divisiveness and shame and guilt and all the other hateful weapons they will club us with.

And if we do want to go out and fight again in a united way we must ask ourselves: are we able to replicate the kind of devotion and commitment and backbreaking thankless work and tactics that continues to bring them year after year into such positions of unlimited power. Thirty-five years of that? For thirty-five years the cabal I have spoken of has worked every single day and night to bring them their success. Quite frankly they deserve their victory and we deserve our loss.

I would like to quote this from a Baptist minister, Tom Ehrich, in Durham. By chance, I found it on a Christian website at 3:00 this afternoon. “It would be helpful if we started in silence and just listened to each other’s voices. Whether we can muster such maturity amid toxic political attitudes remains to be seen. If we are to have a meaningful national discussion of moral issues, we will need to start with the sexual issues, not because they are the most important but because they are the fire engulfing the tower. Let’s get it all on the table…

“And let’s do so openly and boldly, without the code language that we often use in moral debates, without our usual cherry-picking of Scriptures, without our usual blistering indignation, without the bullying that elevates one’s viewpoint into divine certainty.”

So we are being invited to this table whether we want to or not. We must be prepared.

I love being gay. I love gay people. I think we’re better than other people. I really do. I think we’re smarter and more talented and better friends. I do, I do, I totally do. I really do think all of these things.

And I passionately and desperately want all my brothers and sisters to stay alive and well and on this earth as long as they want theirs to.

Can we all help each other to reach this goal?

#gay #politics #hate #larrykramer

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