#also since i started making those Christmas wishlists my mom also started doing it

[bunn-iiii]

I am a firm believer in just asking people what they want for a special occasion and also making wishlists for people so they know what are some things you may want for special occasions

[nctsworld]

the yuletide boyfriend

✩‌ yangyang ‌x‌ ‌reader‌ ‌|‌ fluff | angst | smut | friends to lovers | ‌college au | 9k

SUMMARY‌ ‌⇾‌ your one wish this year is to not be single during the holidays. yangyang, as your best friend, takes it upon himself to be your temporary boyfriend. soon enough, both parties begin to wish this new arrangement could last beyond the holidays. // part of the x-mas in ncity collection WARNINGS‌ ‌⇾‌ implied ‌anxiety attack (during the first part of dec 24th – skip if need to), smut, mutual m*sturbation, couch s*x, angst, miscommunication, swearing RATING‌ ‌⇾‌ mature TAGLIST ⇾ @infnteen​ 

AUTHOR’S NOTE ⇾ this is my longest fic to date and also... might be my worst b/c i feel like the angst plot points don’t really make sense... but i hope y’all still enjoy!!! 

⇾ gif created by me, please don’t share or repost without credit!

NOVEMBER 30th

“So, anything special on your wishlist this year?”

Your best friend, Yangyang, asks you as you two sit next to each other on one of the many plush lounge couches in the Psychology building. It’s the usual lunch spot where you meet with him during your break between lectures.

The Psych building held much sentimental value for both of you because you met in Psych 101 during first year. Fast-forward three years later, neither of you expected to be the close friends that you are today.  

Chewing your sandwich, you ponder on his question for a bit. Through the transparent glass walls leading to outside, you see the trickle of students heading towards the building since class is about to start for the noon round of lectures. A couple, you assume by the tight hand-holding and nose kissing, giggles as they enter the building, glued to one another by the hip.

“Not really.” You drop your head downward to your lunch container, smiling to yourself. “I’m honestly just happy to have Mark in my life, especially at this point in the year.”

Yangyang nods in accordance and smiles too, understanding the story behind your sentiment.

The boyfriends you’ve had since first year have always broken up with you before the holidays, right before the end of November. Since you only became close during second year, Yangyang’s been around for two out of three of your cursed holiday break-ups.

To have Mark, your latest boyfriend, be with you and it being already December tomorrow, it was truly a blessing for you and a silver lining that maybe this was the year to break the curse. Yangyang was grateful too, wanting you to have the utmost happiness.    

You take another bite of your sandwich and tilt your chin toward the ramen eater.

“You?”

Yangyang slurps a few more noodles before he answers.

“I mean, the new Playstation would be nice,” he hums, mouth full.

Pointing the tip of your sandwich, you joke, “I’ll get it for you, but only if we share custody over it.”

“Mm-mm,” he shakes his head during a mid-slurp. “You know I can’t promise that.”

Both of you laugh in unison, living in the calm before the oncoming storm.

DECEMBER 5th

The E-Sports club for the university is hosting a party tonight and because Yangyang’s on one of the professional teams, he asked a few weeks ago if you and Mark wanted to attend. Of course you accepted; Mark also had some friends in the club.

However, when you text Yangyang in the afternoon, stating a change of mind, he knows something’s off.

Half an hour before the party starts, Yangyang decides to visit you. Thankfully you both lived on campus, but even if you lived across town, he’d still bus out to see how you were doing. He does it all the time to visit his family, anyway.  

In the living room, the two sudden knocks at your door startle you. Peering through the peephole, you see the usual sight of your best friend, his lips curled upward and thumbs tucked in his pockets as he rocks on the balls of his feet.

It feels like an eternity for him when you unlock your door. The hinges squeal as you open it hesitatingly, your face barely appearing through the agape crack.

Immediately, his smile dissolves. Your face is drained and blood-shot eyes avoiding his own confront him.

Yangyang has only seen you cry twice in the three years he’s known you:

Once, when you were freaking the fuck out over potentially failing a course (but, on the upside, you ended up passing the final to save your grade).

The second time was at his house for a family dinner, when his mom accidentally added too much hot chili sauce to her homemade beef noodle soup (let’s just say you weren’t the only one crying that night).

Those were tears of dread and physical discomfort.

But this… this was crying he’s never seen from you before. His chest collapses inward, fearful of the reason behind your tears.  

His voice shakes as he asks, “What happened? Are you okay?”

Neither of you are major huggers and only exchange them on the rare occasion.

However, this situation screams the necessity of it, so Yangyang lunges towards you, the collision swinging the door out of the way. His arms embrace you like a large, warm blanket. Comforting and safe.  

Despite the affection, emptiness has taken over your body. Tonight, you’re a dead, empty shell of who you normally are.

You feel weak to the bone, but you muster up enough energy to scarcely raise your arms over his back to return the hug. Your eyes are dry from all the crying you’ve done all day, but apparently you have more tears left in you to spare.

Your eyelids snap shut and your jaw clenches.  

“Mark broke up with me.”

Your words are muffled into his shoulder, but Yangyang hears it crystal clear.  

You break down, sobbing out of control over the statement.

As aforementioned, Yangyang’s been around for your last two, now three, break-ups. Sure, he’s aware of how grumpy and distant you can get, but you never cried in front of him. You made an effort to never have him see you at your lowest point.

And yet, here you are, drowning him in your misery. Guilt washes over you for drenching his bomber jacket, but Yangyang couldn’t give two shits. His arms squeeze tighter while he rubs your back tenderly.

After several minutes pass and your waterworks abate, you peel away from him. You sniffle and rub your nose with the back of your hand.

“Sorry about cancelling last minute.”

“Hey, no need to apologize,” he whispers soothingly.

“I’m just… so fucking frustrated.”

With fatigued eyes, you drag yourself back inside your apartment. Yangyang discreetly closes the door behind him and hurriedly uses his feet to push off his shoes. As he does so, your mouth begins to run off while you slowly pace around aimlessly.  

“Fucking done with boyfriends, especially when they think it’s so fucking awesome to keep breaking up with me right before the holidays.”

He kicks off his last stubborn shoe and catches you raking your hands through your hair, pulling it back firmly. Your lips are trembling, along with your entire frame.  

“Like I get that I’m horrible and needy and emotional—”

His mouth opens, wanting to cut in to disagree with you with all his heart, but he clamps it back shut and swallows, allowing you to blow your steam off.

“—but can’t they wait until the fucking new year? I don’t know, or maybe just don’t date me in the first place! I don’t know, I don’t fucking know anymore. I’m just cursed, Yangyang...”

You flop down onto the couch and sink into the ocean of shiny pleather, shutting your eyes and trying to stop crying for the nth time. The deep sting behind your eyelids pain you, but it pains Yangyang more to watch the events unfolding ahead of him.  

Unsure of what to say, Yangyang walks around the room. His gaze falls on your laptop screen and he frowns at the mostly bare Word document that stares back at him:  

“WISHLIST:   -KEEP ONE (1) FUCKING BOYFRIEND DURING THE CHRISTMAS SEASON!!!!!!!! GOD FUCKING SDKMFLDS”

There are a few more lines below it with more profanities and keyboard smashing. He quickly darts away, a pang of guilt striking for invading your privacy.

Then, he turns to you on the couch again. You’re now covering your eyes with your forearm, pressing your lips together. His chest twists and his throat is arid as a desert.

You’re in shambles and he’s dying to pick up the shattered pieces of you, wants to glue you back together. On a regular basis, Yangyang’s a talking machine and can talk your ear off for hours, but right now, he doesn’t know what to say to you in your current state. He second-guesses himself, wonders if he’s even that great of a friend if he can’t comfort you in your worst times.

Blowing out a long sigh and removing your arm, you speak aloud, “You should get going to the party.”

Like awakening from a deep slumber, you rise up sluggishly and sit up on the couch, slouched over. The other figure in the room steps closer to you.  

“Sorry about your jacket, by the way,” you say. Your body is still, but your glazed eyes move to the dark spot on the middle of his shoulder. He glances at it and shrugs.  

“It’s better like this anyway,” he says with a gentle smile, and the tight knot in his heart softens at the flicker of your own smile, albeit a small one. Unfortunately, it fades in a few seconds. “I don’t want to leave you like this, though.”

You stare at the used, crumpled balls of tissues scattered on the living room table. Some also ended up on the floor. Break-ups are shit and 98% inevitable, but you know you’ll eventually get over it. You always do.

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

He raises an eyebrow, as if asking, “Are you sure?” The lack of a worded reply causes you to notice the question written on his face.  

“Go,” you plead with a feeble laugh. “Have fun for me.”

Both of you head towards your front door again. Crossing your arms, you lean your head against the door frame and attempt a smile for your best friend.

“Thanks again for checking up on me.”

Yangyang nods with a half-smile, half-pout, “Of course.”

You give him a departing wave prior to sealing your door.

Usually, Yangyang would bus from your place to the student union building, where the party is being held. Instead, he zippers up his jacket and stuffs his fists into his pockets, opting to bear the early winter chill to walk his thoughts off. His blazing self-doubt burns at first, but he overcomes it by focusing on ideas to fix your accursed dating rut instead.  

Halfway through the walk, a light bulb moment occurs. A plan begins to brew on the surface of his mind and he thinks on it for the rest of the week.  

DECEMBER 11th

It’s been almost a week since you last saw Yangyang.

Finals started already, so classes were done for the semester and thus, your lunch meet-ups halted too. On top of that, since you were simultaneously moping and studying, you hadn’t really texted him much, nor had he, besides the occasional check-up text on how studying was going and random memes. Yangyang knew you preferred time alone to heal and he respected that.  

He also thought six days was enough time to get yourself back on your feet.  

Yangyang’s at your front door once again, but this time with two bowls of his mom’s beef noodle soup in tow.  

“Long time, no see,” you greet. Your tone is chipper, but your eyes look heavy, which could be partially from studying, Yangyang thinks. His smile deepens, content that you seem a lot better than the last time he visited.

“Delivery for two,” he raises the bag in his hand.

“And if I told you I already ate dinner?” you playfully retort.

The boyish man shrugs defeatedly, “Then I’ll tell my mom you hate her cooking—”

“You didn’t say it was your mom’s, Yangyang. Oh, my God,” you gasp, half-mockingly. You rush to grab the bags out of his hand and stroll towards your tiny kitchen. “Start off with that next time.”

As you remove the containers from the bag and onto the granite countertop, Yangyang shuts the door and takes his shoes off.  

“So, I’m gonna be upfront and say that I may have come here with a proposal.”

“Changed your mind about the shared custody of the Playstation?”

“I’m still considering that one.” Finally in his socks, he slings his backpack off his shoulder and plops it onto the couch along with his jacket. He stands next to you by the counter. “But it’s on the same page as that. Remember that day we were talking about wishlists?”

“Mm-hmm,” you hum as you rip off the lid of one of the bowls. Blatant wisps fly upward and you inhale the savoury aroma, followed by a heavenly sigh.  

“Last time I was here… I might’ve seen what you wrote on your laptop.”

Your expression immediately changes into full-on cringe. You bring a palm over to your face.

“Oh, God. Let’s not talk about that. That was just weepy, lonely me talking.”

Yangyang pops off the lid for his bowl and steps into your kitchen, rummaging through your drawers for chopsticks. “So you’re telling me you don’t want a boyfriend for Christmas?”

Your hand flies off your face. Eyes widening, you spew, “Do you have a boyfriend in your pocket, ready for me to have?”

In your open hand, he places a pair of chopsticks into it. “Well, actually, I was thinking—”

Sternly, you point the chopsticks at him. “Don’t you dare set me up with your friends.”

He counters and points his at you, “Even better than that.”

With your interest piqued, you slide yourself onto the counter stool and mix the noodles around, anticipating to hear Yangyang’s fantastic plan. Your friend sits on the other stool, facing you. He pauses for a second, taking a deep breath.  

“Why don’t I be your boyfriend for the holidays?”

You freeze, and the noodles’ drips above your bowl are deafening to both individuals. Laughing awkwardly, you break your frozen state to drop your chopsticks and turn your head to look at him.

Sputtering, you say, “What?”

Unnerved, his mouth pinches to one side, thinking maybe he shouldn’t have even said anything in the first place. This was stupid, so stupid, but it’s out in the open and Yangyang already dug his grave—he may as well lay in it.  

“Well, for one, it’s something on your wishlist that I can easily get,” he pauses mid-sentence, glancing upward in thought. “Well, really, fill? Is that a better way to put it?”

He continues, eyes back on you, “And two, I’m not setting you up with a stranger or someone you wouldn’t be comfortable with. I assume you know me well enough that you’re comfortable around me?”

Yangyang lifts an upturned palm and raises an eyebrow, waiting for a response to his assumption. Petulantly, you shake your head playfully and stick out your tongue at him.  

Rubbing the back of his neck, his gaze drops down to the floor for his last point. His voice lowers.

“And, I don’t know, we’d just hang out like we usually do during that time, except we’d do more couple-y things.”

Realizing the implication of his words, he widens his eyes. “I mean, we'll do whatever you’re comfortable with, obviously. We don’t have to do any of the physical stuff—”

You burst into a giggle at his rambling and hold a hand out, cutting him off. “Okay, Yang. I get it.”  

Yangyang watches your next moves carefully. You’re peering off to one side and picking at the tips of your fingers. After a minute that feels like forever, you nod slowly.

“I guess you have a point. We are sorta like a couple already.”

Your best friend sighs in relief, grinning that you’re not outright rejecting the idea.

“So,” you meet his eyes and bunch a shoulder up towards your ear. “We’ll just be a couple until what, New Year’s?”

“Yeah, sure,” he shrugs indifferently. “Whatever you want. It’s your Christmas wish.”

You chuckle and shake your head in disbelief that you two are actually making an agreement for Yangyang to be your temporary, holiday boyfriend.

Honestly, it’s a little crazy... but maybe it’s the perfect thing to get your mind off of Mark and the handful of holiday exes hanging above your head.

“Okay, since my last final is on the 21st, let’s start ‘dating’ then and we’ll play everything by ear, see how it goes.”

Yangyang bobs his head eagerly. “Sounds good, soon-to-be girlfriend.”

He sticks a hand out for you to shake. You take it firmly, sealing the deal and flashing him a grin.

“Soon-to-be boyfriend.”  

Although the night goes on like usual between the two of you, you couldn’t deny how ecstatic you are to finally have a boyfriend during the holidays, even if it was technically your best friend as a stand-in.

DECEMBER 21st

Tonight’s your first date with Yangyang.

That sounds weird to say, you admit to yourself, but it’s the truth.

After you stroll out of your last final of the semester, Yangyang’s waiting for you inside near the main exit of the building with several layers on, including his hoodie over his head and a knitted scarf underneath. His attention leaves his phone and he stuffs it into pocket as he notices you heading over.  

“Hey, girlfriend,” he welcomes you, beaming.

You snicker at the unfamiliar label. You wonder if you’re going to get used to this, even if it’s only for two weeks.  

“Hey, boyfriend,” you grin harder as the word falls from your lips, trying your best not to outright burst into laughter. “Where we heading off to?”

Although you said both of you could play the dating by ear, Yangyang’s been keen on scheduling plans for the upcoming days. You told him he didn’t have to, however, he insisted by saying that he wouldn’t only be a horrible boyfriend, but a horrible friend if he couldn’t make the next weeks fun for you.

Yangyang was anything but a horrible friend, and the fact that he was willing to be your holiday boyfriend to make you happy proved it further. Nevertheless, you gladly let him take the reins.

“I was thinking the movies tonight? See the latest Marvel film?”

Concurring to the idea, you scurry towards the bus stop and are movie-theatre bound to the nearest one off-campus. Arriving at the theatre, Yangyang and you buy your tickets and a popcorn to share, then head into the respective auditorium where the movie is playing. Since the movie’s been running for a couple of weeks, the auditorium is fairly empty, giving you two the chance to snag perfect middle seats with nobody else is in the row.  

Up to this point, aside from the name-dropping of boyfriend and girlfriend, this feels less like a date and more like any other hang-out with him. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing awkward.

But that changes during a third of the movie.

You’re both so immersed by the screen that neither party notices the other’s hand when both of you reach for the popcorn in Yangyang’s lap at the same time.  

A jolt runs through as your hands brush together. The duo’s eyes tear away from the screen and flit to the action happening in real-time. The touch lingers for several moments.  

“Sorry,” you quickly mumble, drawing your hand back slightly, but still hovering over the popcorn.    

“Uhm,” Yangyang licks his lips and visibly gulps under the screen’s bright glare.

He whispers, his voice almost cracking, “As your boyfriend, can I hold your hand?”

Okay, this is just your best friend, acting as your temporary boyfriend, asking to hold your hand. No big deal, no big deal at all.

Yet, the thunderous knocking in your ears, louder than the explosions blasting through the theatre’s speakers, suggests otherwise.

You don’t even register it, but you’re already nodding in response. Your breathing slows to the rate of Yangyang’s hand inching over. At the anticipated contact, you gasp softly. His smooth fingers clasp over yours. Since the arm rest in the middle of you is positioned upward, there’s no obtrusion and you relax, letting your hands mingle in between the empty space.

Without looking at one another, both of you smile bashfully to yourselves as you try to continue to focus on the screen.

After a while, because you aren’t exactly holding hands, you spread your fingers, hastily doing so because you don’t want him to think you’re breaking the interaction, and twist your palm to properly interlock hands with him. You give Yangyang’s hand a warm, gentle squeeze. He does the same and even strokes his thumb against your skin.

Talk about playing everything by ear. Who knew you’d be hand in hand on the first date?

You attempt to not think much on it, but Yangyang’s hand in yours feels... so right, like your hand was made for this, for his to hold. Like you should’ve done this way sooner.

And if Yangyang’s thoughts could be heard, he’s thinking the same.

Despite the mutual fear of sweaty palms, neither of you desire to let go, so much that you not only hold hands during the rest of the movie, but throughout the bus ride back to campus and all the way until he escorts you to your front door.

With a certain charge in the atmosphere, you exchange sweet good-byes. That night, after the culmination of stress from finals and your worries of your holiday exes, you finally have a peaceful sleep, looking forward to your date with Yangyang tomorrow.

DECEMBER 22nd

“Babe, how do I look?”

“Very pretty, honey.” A bundled up Yangyang winks at you from behind his phone.

The second date is an evening at a Christmas light festival at a botanical garden on the outskirts of town. The lights illuminate so strongly; there was a glowing dome-like hue over the location that seemed to reach the dark sky as you got off the bus.

When stepping foot into the garden, all the encompassing lights mesmerize you. Lights on the various greenery, lights as decorative art pieces, lights lining the pathways. Different shades of colours and shapes engulf the massive area.

Yangyang’s currently in the middle of taking your photo near an arch tangled with dark blue, gold, and white bulbs. All night long, you’ve been mockingly using endearing terms, but, despite the frigid air, your cheeks heat up over something else he just said.

“You think I’m pretty?” you genuinely ask, breaking your pose.  

He lowers his phone a bit, his jaw dangling.

“Uh, I mean,” he giggles awkwardly, nodding softly. “Yeah.”

Yangyang never told you, but he initially sat near you in Psych 101 because he thought you were the most stunning girl in the class. And sure, he was a little disappointed at the time to find out you had a boyfriend, but that didn’t mean you two couldn’t still be friends. Other than the first few weeks he had a crush on you, he’s never thought of you as more than a friend.  

But those feelings are resurfacing, hitting him in the chest like a bag of bricks, due to moments like this one—you’re batting your eyelids, gaze straying elsewhere, and adorably chewing on your lower lip.  

“And you’re not just saying that as my holiday boyfriend?”

Pouting to one side, he shakes his head cutely. “Mm-mm.”

On the flipside, the beginning with Yangyang for you was strictly platonic. You were dating Haechan at the time you met him. When Haechan broke up with you later that fall, you kept a distance from dating for a while, heartbroken from the high school love gone sour. During that period, you never told him, but you did run through the possibility of dating Yangyang since you got along so well... until you met Jaemin earlier the next semester, who stole your heart. Ever since then, you’ve never seen Yangyang under that light again.

Despite that, you can’t deny how attractive he is, and now that you’re single and technically dating him, you embrace the fact with open arms.  

Beaming as bright as the lights, you tug him by the end of his puffer jacket’s sleeve to bring him closer to you.

“C’mon, handsome, let’s take some pictures together.” Prickles rise under Yangyang’s cheeks from the off-hand compliment.  

Holding your phone up in the air at about an arm’s length away, the side of your heads touch to prepare for a few selfies. When you finish capturing them, Yangyang’s hovering over your shoulder as you scroll through to glance through the photos.

“We look good together,” you comment. “Don’t you think?”

In sync, your heads turn to meet each other. Your eyes waver from the blatant clouds of your breaths and over to his lips. The clouds become rapid bursts as you begin to lean forward. So does Yangyang.

“Do you guys want a picture together?” someone suddenly asks. The abrupt voice drags you both apart instantly, crushing the moment into pieces.

“Sure,” you peep, fumbling to hand your phone over to the stranger.

Posing, Yangyang’s hand rests around the middle of your back, which is the norm when you take pictures with him, but he pulls you in snugly. You smile even wider, relishing in the new-level of intimacy and allow yourself to be truly content among his presence.

“You guys are such a cute couple,” the stranger gushes while they return your phone prior to walking away.

“I guess we are, huh, babe?” you jut your tongue out in jest at him. This time, you indulge in the endearing term without a sliver of mockery.  

Yangyang copies you, jutting his tongue out further than yours, and seizes your hand to continue the tour around the gleaming garden.

The almost-kiss isn’t mentioned for the rest of the night, nor is it acted upon, but both individuals dwell on the near occurrence before sleep that evening, staring longingly at their bedroom ceiling.

DECEMBER 23rd

For the third date, you find yourselves at the campus’ dedicated ice rink arena to partake in ice skating.

You’ve skated a few times in the past, but you’re by no means a pro. On the other hand, this is apparently Yangyang’s first time, and he’s already skating circles around you.

“Show off,” you grumble as he does another lap past you. Your gloved hands are splayed out in front of you, careful not to fall flat on your face.

Turning on his blades, he rebounds over to you.

“Sorry,” he pants. His raised cheeks glow an adorable shade of pink. “This is really fun when you get the hang of it.”

Yangyang intertwines his fingers with yours before you can say anything. “C’mon, take my hand.”  

At first, it was sweet to skate alongside your holiday boyfriend, notwithstanding the few times you almost trip. As the minutes pass, you think you’re getting the hang of it, but suddenly, Yangyang unleashes your hand and glides ahead of you, abandoning you to slide at a swift pace that is definitely out of your comfort zone.  

“Yangyang, what the fuck?!” you screech, completely disregarding the handful of surrounding parents with their kids, the former sending daggers your direction. Your ankles struggle to make a T-shape to stop, but the struggling only somehow makes you move faster.  

As he spins to face you, now skating backwards with ease, he says, “See, you got the hang of it-oomph—”

Air’s struck from his lungs when you crash into his body. Thankfully, Yangyang skids his blades harshly against the ice and is able to steady and support you within his arms.

“You little fucker,” you gripe, lightly punching him in the arm.

He chuckles blithely, “Sorry, but it was kinda funny, you gotta admit.”

You breathe a large huff, which makes you note how your hair is falling over your face after the catastrophe. You’re about to lift your hand to rearrange the strands, but Yangyang beats you to it and is in the midst of tucking them behind your ear.

The knocking in your ears reappears with a vengeance and the physical source of the knocking is thrashing violently against your chest.

Your scorching breaths fuse in the refrigerated rink as Yangyang eliminates the inches of space between, his plush mouth ultimately converging with yours.

You have to constantly remind yourself to breathe under Yangyang’s intensity, and remind yourself that you’re in a public space and shouldn’t be making out like this.

But everyone’s skating around the couple, daring to not disrupt the affectionate display.

God, you don’t know when was the last time you’ve been kissed like this. Have you ever even experienced a kiss that was a fraction of this? Yangyang daintily cups your cheeks like you’re glass, but his lips press ruggedly into yours, inflaming your entirety and melting any existence of your figurative fragility.  

You ignore the echo in the back of your mind that reminds you he’s your temporary boyfriend.

The Talk will inevitably occur, but your future self could deal with it. Presently, you’re too caught up, drowning in Yangyang’s embrace.

DECEMBER 24th

On Christmas Eve, Yangyang decides to bring you to an outdoor Christmas market.

Understandably, since it’s the day before Christmas, the place is absolutely packed. For the first fifteen minutes or so, it’s joyous being immersed in the Christmas spirit with the assorted little shops and their respective products. You’re holding Yangyang’s hand tightly, pointing and half-shouting over the bustle about the items that catch your eye.

Unfortunately, someone accidentally bumps against your arms and your hand is gone from his.

Swivelling your head, searching through the crowd, it occurs to you that you officially lost Yangyang.

Your feet come to a halt as your hand attempts to dig into your jacket pocket to pluck your phone out, but the moving crowd forces you to constantly follow the stream.

You yell for him, but words can’t materialize. Your windpipe tightens. Your breath is becoming shallower and shallower. Blood pulses in your ears alarmingly, blocking out the clamour from around you. Your mind’s running everywhere without control.

Where is your boyfriend?

No, scratch that, he’s not your actual boyfriend—where is your best friend?

Did he leave you? He would never.

Right?

But what happens when all of this is over? Will you still have your best friend?

You’ve avoided The Talk long enough, but you didn’t expect to catch feelings for him. Not like this.  

Maybe you’re just destined to be alone.

Is this how it feels to actually lose him?

Tears fight your vision. You hear a faint call of your name, but you can’t urge yourself to turn around, sinking only further into the sea of anonymity. You’re just a face in a crowd, all alone, with no one who cares—

Yangyang grasps you by the arm and maneuvers you aside to a less busy area behind one of the vendor stands.

“Oh, God, thought I lost you there—”

You cut him off, hugging him with all your might and stuff your face in his chest cushioned by the downy layers of his winter jacket. Yangyang immediately drapes his arms securely around you, reading your uneasiness.  

“Hey, I got you. I got you,” he soothes, running a hand through your hair. “God, not my best idea. Sorry for bringing you here.”

You shake your head, wordlessly informing him that it’s okay. You’re just glad to be with him again.

“Wanna go home?”

You nod solemnly, and Yangyang zips you out of there in minutes with his arm tucked by your side,  ensuring he doesn’t lose you in the crowd again.

Fortunately, the jitters mostly disappear when you arrive at your place in the late afternoon. You’re in the middle of rummaging through your keys to unlock your door.

“Sorry I didn’t have anything else planned for today,” he mumbles, leaning with folded arms against the wall.

“Did you...” You insert the correct key and turn the lock, clicking the door open. Your gaze lifts to match his. “Did you wanna maybe have dinner with me tonight? I was thinking of ordering pizza in.”

The grin that reaches his eyes is a sufficient answer for you.

“Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” He hangs his arm around your shoulder and plants a kiss atop your head.

After chomping down pizza and playing a few rounds of Super Smash Bros. on Yangyang’s Switch, you peer over to him on your living room couch while he’s figuring out which character he should play next.  

The little mental voice in the back of your mind prods you, reminding that you should really, really have The Talk soon. The Talk that you swept under the rug at the start by saying you’d play everything by ear.

Four dates later, and the thought of this ending scares the living daylights out of you. This not only including the interim relationship, but the dire possibility of the friendship itself too. Is it possible to go back to how you were, flipping it off like a light switch?

But the internal voice is smothered as you’re drawn to his pouting lips in thought. His pouting, oh-so kissable lips. Following the ice skating kiss yesterday, you only shared a good-bye kiss when he dropped you off. Since then, you’ve been itching to have his lips on yours again.

Yangyang eventually detects your lack of focus and finds you gawking at his mouth. Your gaze dashes to his eyes, blinking innocently, but then his eyes flicker to your mouth.

The tension in the room snaps. You two carefully throw the Switch controllers off to one side and attach yourselves together. Unlike the crashing of your bodies at the ice rink, this one is purposeful. Deliberated, as his forehead presses into yours and his tender caress carries your cheek. Your body plummets backwards until Yangyang pins you completely into the couch.

Initially, the lip-locking is gentle and mild. Your fingers lay in the vicinity of his angular visage and sturdy upper frame, in contrast to his hand curling around your waist in a light squeeze.

Soon, hands traverse to other regions—his back, your thigh, his stomach, your ass. Each touch seeking, craving, whining. Tongues slinking and dancing with appetite. Your bodies buzz for more.

Open-mouthed kisses transition from the damp lips to each other’s necks. The touches dig deeper, thriving with hunger. Your back bows, body curving into his. Grinding ensues and his robust desire is blatant against your own pulsing passion.

“You don’t happen to have any condoms on you, do you?” you groan upwards to the ceiling.

He retracts from your neck to swing his head side to side, grumbling a “Sorry, we can stop...” yet you interrupt his apology by cupping his covered length. The guttural groan he exhales into your lips makes you shiver with pleasure.

“Doesn’t mean we still can’t have fun with our hands...” you say slyly.

“Fuck yeah,” he rasps, smirking, before diving in again to taste your mouth.

Clothes are stripped with the assistance of each other, leaving you with only your bra on while Yangyang opts to be completely bare. He tops your body in the same position once more.

On the couch arm rest, your head is perched with his hand clutching the space next to it for leverage. Both figures are too scatter-brained to delve into the exquisite nudity of one another, hands flying desperately to your respective arousals.

Your pretty fingers wrap around his possession almost exactly when he dips two digits into your warmth. In unison, two sharp, quiet gasps pierce the room.

“Shit, you’re so wet,” he hisses observantly. You’re so overwhelmed by the bliss that you can’t assemble any sort of response.

Your mouth’s parted to one side, chest soaring with each plunge. Through his clouded vision, he ambles over your curves and lines and yearns to see your breasts, but he respects your choice of keeping it on and opts to ambush the expanse with kisses. Your chest is launched further into his mouth and Yangyang assumes you’re enjoying this.

Fearing friction burn, you drop him from your grip momentarily, swiping a few licks over your palm. When your hand pumps him again, now drenched with saliva, grunts reverberate against your skin.  

“Yangyang?” you whimper, causing his face to pull away from the temple of your body.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I’m-I’m close.” And he can attest to it; the contractions around him are increasing, harshly squeezing his fingers.    

“Same,” he pants.

Your best friend flicks his wrist with ignition, securing your waves of elation. You attempt to do the same, but it’s difficult when he’s also sloppily thrusting himself into your fist, so you simply clench your grasp harder. His features pinch and choppy moans dribble as he yields to his climax, gushing himself over your stomach.  

Still sucking in lungfuls of air, Yangyang kisses you tenderly before removing himself to clean up the mess he made.

Following the clean-up, while putting on your clothes, Yangyang expresses how he should get going since it’s getting late.

“Did you wanna stay the night?” you pipe up.

His mind races, debating on whether to leave or not, anxious to blur the lines of your relationship even further.

Sure, he’s your temporary boyfriend, thus staying over at your place shouldn’t mean anything. But this agreement is ending next week, and he’s questioning if you two can stay just friends after this, knowing that he’s going to want more. Yangyang has had a taste of the what if, and it’s now irrevocable.

He wants you all for himself. Selfishly, but deeply.

For the sake of keeping this a great thing for you, he shoves his thoughts aside. This is all about you and for your benefit, anyhow.

“Uh, sure, I can take the couch like I always—”

“Yangyang, you just put your fingers inside of me,” you snicker, snagging him by the hand to your bedroom. “C’mon.”

The rest of the night is relatively chaste with some kisses and touches here and there. Eventually, you fall asleep facing each other with your fingers interlocked, excited for the big day tomorrow.

DECEMBER 25th

Normally on Christmas, Yangyang and you spend it with your respective families, but coincidentally, both of your families, your parents being retired and all, ended up vacationing this year, leaving the two of you to spend it with each other.

After getting up around noon, Yangyang heads to his place to grab his gift. He takes longer than you expected because, as it turns out, he also went home to grab baking goods he bought beforehand since he wants to make butter cookies with you today.

The cookies end up fine, but the mess is another story. Besides the chaos on the counter, your faces and aprons are splotched with flour (you swear he started it, but he disagrees and stands his ground that you’re the perpetrator). With a damp cloth, Yangyang aids you to clean, but not forgetting to wipe your face and giving you pecks over your cheeks and nose.  

The baking and aftermath occupies most of the afternoon, so dinner comes in the form of fancy, romantic instant ramen for two. Afterwards, you two sit in your living room and start to exchange gifts.  

Yangyang hands his over to you first. From the size of the gift and the crumpled, oddly-shaped wrapping, you already can guess it’s a stuffed plushie of a cute animal to add to your never ending collection. You hug it tightly with a large smile.

“It’s so cute, thank you!” you squeal, but you change your expression in an instant to a serious pout. “But you can’t steal this one like you did with my Ice Bear plushie.”

“Hey, I didn’t steal Ice Bear, I just forgot to give him back.” You roll your eyes sarcastically and he laughs. “I’ll bring him over tomorrow, if it makes you feel better.”  

Then, when it’s your turn, you head into your bedroom and come out with a large, white shopping bag. His eyebrows raise, unsure of what could warrant a gift this size.

“For being my holiday boyfriend,” you grin, placing the bag in front of his feet.  

Despite the hugest smile on your face, his heart sinks at the label for a second, but he blinks and wills himself to look inside the bag.

His eyes shoot open, so much that you’re scared you might have to stuff them back into his sockets.

Yangyang slips the box out of the bag with precision and stares at it speechlessly.

It’s the new Playstation.

He shifts his eyes toward you. You’re swaying on the couch, pleased by his reaction.  

“Your parents paid for most of it, so I can’t take all the credit.” Sticking a finger in the air, you add, “You just gotta promise to share custody with me though—”

A hand behind your head yanks you into a deep kiss. He’s not the only one left speechless on the couch. He places the top of his head against yours.

“You’re crazy, but I love—” He quickly catches himself from saying something he might regret. “—I love it so much, thank you. Now I feel bad for getting you only the stuffed animal...”

You shake your head softly, brushing your thumb against his cheekbone.

“Thank you for everything.” Your eyes twinkle. “I couldn’t have asked to spend the holidays with anyone else.”

Carefully, like a newborn baby, he safely situates the boxed Playstation to one side and nabs your lips with his again. The scene feels like repeat of last night as your bodies wrestle passionately on the couch.

“Not to be presumptuous,” he mutters between the kisses upon your neck. Your eyelids flutter at the sensation. “But I also grabbed condoms from my place when I stopped by.”

His words sends the two of you leaping towards your bedroom. Under the dim lighting, you fall into the bed as Yangyang pares your layers off, one by one. With each peel, his lips roam the revealing bare skin. You swear he has kissed you from your literal head to toe when you’re fully nude in front of him.

Your companion drags his shirt over his head, throws it off to your floor, and immediately targets in onto your nub with his mouth, finally satiating his craving from last night.

Fingers thread into his hair and over his flexed back. His tongue swirls and his teeth lightly tug on your perkiness, making your eyes roll to the back of your head. And he still isn’t even inside you yet.

After leaving love upon your other bosom, Yangyang fumbles with the condom, forgetting which way it should go on. Giggling, you perch yourself onto your elbows and assist him. Rolling it over his possession, you recline yourself back and spread your legs for him.

Pensively, he sticks his tongue out as he adjusts himself between your sex, easing himself into you, and upon the full impact, you meet his gaze head-on. His stare makes you feel vulnerable and exposed beyond the physical plane.  

But, unlike the others you have been with, you trust him with everything, like you always have, and be free with him. Losing your inhibitions and submitting to your whims, you entangle and become one with Yangyang.  

Behind his hazy vision, Yangyang’s simply thinking how beautiful you are, how he can’t imagine anyone else under his touch but you, how he is willing to give up anything to make you smile.

Well, in this case, he’s willing to give up anything to make you pleased.

However, it doesn’t seem like he needs to do much because you’re howling his name and clinging onto his skin and the sheets in a frenzy, like you’re about to die of exhaustion.

You perish a few times under him before he finally reaches his little death himself, convulsing into the sheath.

When air’s replenished into your bodies, you rest on his chest under your blanket. Glancing up at him, you move some of his tousled hair off his sleek forehead.

“Merry Christmas, Yangyang,” you whisper, snuggling him with a satisfied smile.

“Merry Christmas, babe,” he whispers back, giving you one last peck before you both drift into a deep slumber together.  

DECEMBER 26th

Last night took so much out of the both of you, you don’t get out of bed until about the middle of the afternoon. Yangyang doesn’t have anything planned for today since it’s Boxing Day, since the crowds might be crazy wherever you go, so it’s officially a chill, rest day for you both.

When you step out of the shower in fresh clothes, from behind the couch, you watch Yangyang gaming on his Switch.

The little voice in your head looms, prompting that now is the time to have The Talk, and speaks up on your behalf.

“Do we have to end things next week?” you croak.

You see Yangyang’s shoulders stiffen, then he pauses the game and turns around to face you. His gaze follows you as you step closer to the couch, opting to stand.  

“Uhm.” His Adam’s apple bobs and he shrugs. “It’s up to you, it’s your—”

“Yangyang, that’s not what I’m asking. I’m asking what you think, how do you feel?”

His lips press together and he’s staring at the floor. You can tell the gears are moving, but you can’t read his expression clearly.

“I’m down for whatever you want to do,” he says slowly, eyes still averting yours.

That’s a I’m-your-best-friend answer, you deduce. Not a I-want-to-be-your-actual-boyfriend answer.  

He adds, stuttering, “I mean, I wouldn’t mind doing this a little longer if that’s what you want—”

Your face scrunches in annoyance. “Did you just sign up to be my short-term boyfriend so you can fill my empty heart?”

His eyebrows crease with confusion. “I mean, I never want to see you unhappy.”

“So it’s pity dating then?” you lash, raising your voice.

“No, I—” Yangyang bites down on his tongue, almost letting the one word slip out again. He blows out a lengthy sigh and runs a hand through his hair. “I care about you, so much. I’d do anything to make you happy.”

You’re defining his words as an affirmation of friendship and as an underlying rejection of your love.

You need to know for certain.

“Do you love me, Yangyang?” you blurt. “As more than a friend?”

This is it, Yangyang thinks. This is your chance to let her know how you feel.

But the distress written on your face makes him wonder if he should even go through with it, and it’s intensifying with every passing moment that he’s not speaking.  

If only he knew your distress was deepening because you took his hesitance as absolute rejection.  

Your heart is breaking because of him, and he technically wasn’t even yours to begin with.

You smack your lips together and gulp a few times, trying to make the huge knot in your throat disappear.

“You know what, maybe let’s just forget this arrangement and leave it all behind and forget about the sex and—”

“You wanna stop this?” he utters quietly.

The word “this” hangs heavy in the air. This, carrying the weight of not only being the temporary agreement, but also your friendship.

“Yeah,” you whisper, tears beginning to blur your eyes. “I think I do.”

DECEMBER 28th

Two days have passed since you last saw Yangyang.

That day before he left, Yangyang, feeling guilty for how events unfolded, wanted to give back the Playstation, but you insisted for him to keep it. In spite of everything, it was a Christmas gift to him from you and his parents.

But both of you weren’t sure if the shared custody promise was going to be held up.  

In hopes that things would eventually get better and heal itself, Yangyang thought it’d be best to leave you alone for a while, like how he usually did.

And maybe he was right to do so, but this time is different.

Because he’s on the other end of the stick now; he’s the one who broke your heart.  

Under regular circumstances, whenever you needed space, he was always ready to be there by your side.

But Yangyang’s uncertain if you’re going to let him comfort you this time.  

And you’re uncertain if you even want him to.

DECEMBER 30th

Today, Yangyang finally makes the move to get in touch with you, texting you to call him, but you don’t, so he leaves a voicemail later in the evening.

“There’s a New Year’s party I’m going to tomorrow,” he starts off, then spews the specific details.

There’s a pause and you hear shuffling in the background. You assume he’s pacing around.

“I know you ended our agreement, but I wouldn’t mind fulfilling my end since New Year’s is the last day tomorrow. I’d be really glad if you came to the party with me, whether it be as my friend or my girlfriend.”

Another pause.

On the other end, Yangyang rubs his palm over his face, considering whether or not he should say it. If you picked up the phone call, he was going to do it anyway, but this just felt improper. He wants to say it when he knows you’re listening in real-time, so he ends off the message with:

“I miss you. So much.”

DECEMBER 31st

It’s 8:40PM. Before Yangyang buses out to the party, he’s back at your front door for one more shot. His fist taps at your door, cognizant that you wouldn’t be elsewhere since your other friends are out of town for the holidays. Despite that, you don’t come to the door. Nevertheless, he speaks to you through the wooden barrier.

“Hey, I know you want to be left alone, but I just wanted to see if you changed your mind about the party.”

Still no answer. He lets out a sigh and prays the following will incite a reaction from you.  

“About the question that you asked me that night...”

He closes his eyes and allows his mouth to carry him.

“I do. I do love you. As both my best friend and more. I’m sorry if I hurt you that night by not saying anything, but I love you so much and I think we should give us a shot.”

Still no answer. Yangyang continues.

“Look, I know it’s scary and crazy to date your best friend. I’m scared too, but you know what? I’m okay with being scared. I’ve watched you gone through those assholes over the last few years and maybe you’re scared I’ll end up like one of them, but unlike them, I don’t think you’re horrible or needy or emotional—you’re beautiful, intelligent, and strong for putting up with all those fuckers.”

He leans his forehead gently against the door.

“And even if we ever do break up, and this is a big if because I’ll always try my hardest with you to make it work, I’ll still be your friend. I promise. You won’t lose me ‘cause I need you in my life. I gotta keep my end up for the custody of the Playstation, right?”

A smile breaks over his face from his joke, but still. Radio silence.  

“Can you at least say something?” he begs.

After a few minutes, realizing he needs to probably give you more time to be left alone, he departs and heads to the party.

Originally, you actually were planning on attending the party to see Yangyang to make-up with him.

Unfortunately, out of all the days you had to take a late afternoon nap, it had to be today.

And you overslept. Big time. 

At 10:55PM, you scramble awake, realizing you’re absolutely late to the event. Since the party’s downtown, you know calling an Uber or Lyft there would be fast, but tonight’s the worst night for any share riding service and there aren’t any available drivers. Thus, you have to manage with busing there.

It’s 11:40PM when you finally reach downtown, but the bus can’t take you all the way to the core centre where the party is; hordes of people are out on the streets and traffic is dreadful. God, you’re going to be cutting it close to midnight, but you make a run for it.

You’re grateful the party is on the second floor of a small building because you slide in right through the entrance at 11:58PM. You rush to call Yangyang’s phone, hoping he’ll pick up as you try to find him in the scattered groups of people.

You begin to holler for him in hopes he can hear you, but the countdown is happening, drowning out your voice. Thirty seconds left until the clock strikes for the new year.

When his number finally goes to voicemail, you redial his number. Suddenly, a hand grasps you by the wrist.

Yangyang looks at you, dumbfounded.

“When did you get here?”  

The harmonious chanting around you floods your surroundings.

“Ten, nine, eight...”

Getting closer to him, you practically scream into Yangyang’s face, trusting he’ll hear what you’re about to say.

“I know Christmas is over, but I want to change my wish.”

“Seven, six, five...”

“I know you might not feel the same and I know things might not work out.”

“Four, three, two...”

”But I wish to date you past New Year’s until whenever, however long we last.”

“One...”

“I love you, Yangyang—”

The one you love snatches you by the waist and your cheek, stealing your lips at the last millisecond before midnight.

“Happy New Year!”

A wave of noisemakers, clappers, and hollering erupt around the room. After it dies down a bit, Yangyang shocks you with a scolding.

“Why didn’t you say anything when I came over?!”

Confusion rushes over you. You realize he probably came by when you were sleeping. 

“You came over?!”

“Yeah, I confessed my love for you.”

“Wait,” you blink blankly, unsure if you heard him correctly. “Your love?”

“Yeah,” he nods, giving you his cheesy, adorable smile.  “I love you.”

“As more than a friend?” you clarify.

“Babe,” Yangyang’s thumb caresses your cheek. “I don’t think I could ever go back to wanting less with you.”

Your lips tremble with relief as your gaze melts in his.

“And, anyway, who else am I going to share the Playstation with?”

“Well, I mean, you do have Hendery, Xiaojun, Winwin...” you start to count his infinite list of friends on your fingers.  

“Yeah, but I need you so I can constantly beat your cute little butt at games.”

“You do not constantly beat my cute little butt at games, I’ll have you know that I beat you at—”  

Yangyang shuts you up with another kiss, the one of many for the rest of the night.

JANUARY 2nd

It’s your second morning at Yangyang’s place. You’ve only done it a few times now, but you realize that waking up in his arms is one of the greatest feelings in the world, second only to his kisses.  

In his bed, spooning you from behind, he grumbles into the nape of your neck, “Morning, girlfriend.”  

Half-awake, you mumble back, “Morning, boyfriend,” and sink deeper into the curve of his body.

Content, you finally broke your string of cursed holiday break-ups for good.  

And all it took was to be with the one who was in front of you all this time.

[najatheangel]

Drabble Ship💚💚💚

Hi, may I have a drabble ship for SHINee, F(X) & Girls' Generation? I usually don't approach strangers, I let them come to me. There's some exceptions like if someone is friendly or has the same interests as me. I'm shy at first when I meet people. As I start to open up, I'll be more talkative and feel more comfortable talking about anything that's on my mind. I'll also joke around a lot. My hobbies are dancing, acting out scenes from my fav tv shows or movies and playing mobile/video games. I like babies (well mostly my baby cousins, they're so cute 🥺), having time to myself, roses, candy, rabbits and fireworks. I dislike snakes, spiders, nosy people, math and naggers it makes not want to do whatever they're nagging me about. Something I look forward in a relationship is spending the holidays together, especially Christmas! Since I'm older and now I know Santa isn't real, my parents have me help pick out presents for my siblings and I also get to pick my present. I like that I can get whatever I want, but I don't feel excited to open it, since I already know what it is. With my partner, I would like us to exchange gifts on Christmas day. Since I won't know what I'm getting, I'll feel the excitement I use to feel as a kid, which will make me very happy. I would also like to do Easter hunts. If you need more info, feel free to message me.

Heyy angel 😊😊, good to see ya requesting. That was a lovely description about yourself and I love how you added your love for Christmas to it. sorry for making you wait so long...

From Shinee, I ship you with...Onew

Winter Wonderland ❄️🤍

Song inspiration: Winter Bear by V

It has been 5 years since you’ve married Onew and your favorite season has finally approached.

On January 21st the first winter snowfall of the new year has finally came. Your husband has finally took you on the Dream honeymoon you’ve been asking for after throwing your wedding on Christmas Day.

You’ve stayed together the whole weekend at the cabins in Tennessee to drink hot cocoa, watch hours worth of k-dramas reanacting your favorite scenes and spending quality time relaxing in the hot tub.

This getaway was perfect, but today was even more special because today your 6th year anniversary since becoming a couple.

The both of you have admired the snow falling from the sky holding hands, reminiscing every moment laughing together.

There was even a moment where you were on the peak of breaking up, because of the importance of his career. The thought made you shed tears.

Y/N: Remember when we almost seperated? Man that was the toughest day wasn’t it?

Onew: Ahh yeah it was. Why all of a sudden you thought of that just now?

You turn walking towards him holding his hands with warming his hands up with your fuzzy gloves.

Y/N: Ever since that day, I’ve realized my life wouldn’t have been the same without you. I mean my family and friends love you coming around every holiday. But, every season as more time pasts by...I love having you around the most.

He sheds a tear as he hears his lovely wife confess such beautiful words. He gently hugs you spinning around singing Winter Bear.

Onew: You have my word honey. I won’t be going anywhere, That’s what I vowed to do didn’t I? He leans in kissing you on the forehead.

Y/N: Mmm, that’s right my Winter Bear. I love you.

Onew: I love you more.

The married couple lives in there own world as they wiggle each other’s noses giggling under the snowfall...

From F(X), I ship you with...Amber

Red Lights🎄❤️

Song Inspiration: Mistletoe by Justin Bieber

It was your Christmas together with your girlfriend Amber and your family. Your grandmother and mom was in the kitchen baking chocolate chip cookies while you, Amber and her younger cousins helped set up the tree.

Amber was on a roll at first nicely setting up all the 24 ornaments you both painted together. It all went down hill until she started tangling up the red Christmas lights.

You and cousins laugh at this embarrassing sight and decided to help her.

Y/N: I told you not to by those cheap ones. Those get tangled very easily and don’t last long.

Amber: I know y/n. The star is the most important part anyways. smiles at you making cute llama noises.

Your younger cousins decided to step back and take a cookie break after helping hanging up the lights.

As your tree is almost complete, Amber pulls out the sparkly golden star to complete the tree and hands it over to you.

Amber: Here you you, for my shinning star.

Y/N: Giggles holding on to the star. Don’t mind if I do sweetie.

Your start climbing onto the three step ladder carefully setting the star on top. As you move away from the tree to get off the steps, you end up falling into Amber’s arms.

Amber: Catches you into her arms tightly and just looks at you caressing the top of your head. Hehe, hi... Aren’t you glad I caught you?

Y/N: Absolutely...I know it’s a bit early, but I should give you your gift. You want to know what it is? Leans in wrapping your arms around her neck.

Amber: Hmm, suprise me. I’m ready.

As soon as you two were about to kiss everyone walks back inside the living room screaming both of your names to try your grandma’s famous chocolate chip cookies before they get cold.

The both of your faces turned as red as the Christmas lights flashing on the christmas tree. At least later that night, Amber was able to receive her gift...

From Girls Generation, I ship you with...Tiffany

Ms. Claus🎵🎤

Song Inspiration: Santa Tell Me by Ariana Grande

You decided to take a trip to the mall to buy your family and friends some gifts for Christmas.

You were walking around for hours going over your checklist of everyone’s wishlist. Your siblings were getting a lot older and there at that age where they don’t want to play with toys anymore.

You were planning on taking a break by eating at the food court exhausted from all the shopping. All of a sudden you hear a crowd of people screaming..

Fan 1: Omg is that Tiffany Young?!

Fan 2: That sure is her, her new Christmas single just came out.

Fan 3: She’s also having a meet and greet right after.

Growing up girls generation was one of your ultimate kpop groups and to hear that Tiffany is performing right now at the mall made you speechless.

The red curtain opens and all you see is Tiffany stunting on stage with her all red ribbon dress smiling so angelic at the crowd.

The jazz band plays the song to her new single Ms. Claus with her unique vocals. In the middle of the performance, you didn’t want to believe it at first, but you noticed her exchanging eye contact with you.

Towards the end of the performance, confetti exploded everywhere making the crowd go insane. She walks off stage standing infront of you handing you a rose smiling at you.

Tiffany: What’s your name?

You look up at her dropping your pretzel on the ground forgetting how to function. Eventually you’ve proceeded to tell her your name.

Tiffany: I’ve noticed you sitting here all by yourself. I just wanted to say your very beautiful and I hope you enjoy your Christmas.

She then kneels down in front of you coming closer to your face kissing your cheek leaving a lip stain on your cheek.

Y/N: Holds marked cheek looking flustered. W-Will I ever see you again?

Tiffany looks back at you one last time and winks.

Tiffany: Whenever you need me, my phone number is attached on the rose...

The crowd looks at you with jaw dropped to the ground and hypes you up saying “Yaa she’s so lucky.” And “You go get her tiger. ”

Not even a second later after her meet and greet was over you’ve decided to call her and stay on the phone for hours. Santa has definitely blessed you this time of year.

@wjnterchild I had so much fun writing these for you. It’s definitely fitting the theme and I hope you enjoyed them. Happy Holidays 💚❤️💚

[neonseal]

Memories

Last school year was the best year in my life. I got to enjoy my last high school moments with my bestest friends. In my school we started the school year in a normal way, introducing yourself, discussing of topics for the first quarter, just ordinary. But when 2nd quarter is coming this is where the fun begins. Around the last week of September we are going to celebrate the Founding Anniversary of Bayanihan Institute (my old school) wherein the kiddos and high school students are given the time and chance for them to practice a presentation which is dancing but there was always a different theme every year. We celebrated for 3 days, the first and second day are for booths or it depends to the class adviser if the class will practice on those two day. Me and my friends handled the booths last year there was kiss stamp booth, ml tournaments, dedication booth, jail booth, love chain booth, and more! We enjoyed every moment we had in those past memories, and ofcourse the third day is for the competition of the students the high school students will be competing with each other while the elementary department will be competing with their other levels including the pre-elem. In the competition day our batch became the champions! we were so happy because we really worked hard to be at the very top.  While around december, each class will have their christmas party/year-end parties. Each class can have different ways in celebrating, some can propose the idea to watch a movie or maybe the class adviser can organize games for the students. Also we would do exchanging of gifts but we used pen names and te student has to write their wishlist on the paper with their pen name as well. We started 2019 together and will be ending together but better and stronger. As the time goes by new year has passed and we are all getting ready for school again, we’ve missed each other so much that almost all of us went to school very early, and honestly that was really shocking since most of us are late hahaha. The month of January has also its events, which is called “Intramurals” this is the month and event that will make us tired everyday because of non-stop practicing for the cheerleading competition, sports games, board games, and etc. Our intramurals consists of 3 days as well, personally I got all gold medals for all of the sports I participated in and of course I wouldn’t forget that we also made it to the very top again, we were the champions again! Our hard work paid off, we were so nervous because the other teams’ dances were really good but we trusted ourselves that we would do it together, so we made it. Intramurals passes by and the month of February came as we all know it’s Prom, I was so lucky to have my boyfriend as my partner during the dance! I wore this pink ball gown, had makeup on and went to the venue, and when I entered I saw my classmates they were so pretty with there filipinianas! Another highlight on my prom night, my partner bought me a bouquet with my favorite colors with it I was very happy and “kilig kilig” ahihihi. The night passes by, we had the dance it was nice but it was so late so everyone needed to go home. That night my partner and I were planning to go to mcdonalds to eat but his mom was there ready to pick him up so they decided to just drop me off at my home, I was so thankful because we all had a great night! Then here it goes, the last month of being seniors at Bayanihan Institute. I was happy that we were all graduating and no one was left behind but having to think that after everything we would leave each other is very sad. We were all doing the tasks needed to be done, rushed everything and went to the faculty for our clearance to be signed. But everything just happened so fast, it was like a blink of an eye and the finish line is right in front of you. I realized that in the past 4 years of highschool even when we had fights, had misunderstandings, tough moments, tough decisions needed to be made, in the end of the day we were still a family. Families experience ups and downs all the time, but in the end we need to forgive each other.  I am honored to be accompanied by my very dearest friends in my high school years, we may have maybe done daring and bad decision together but those decisions made the best memories that we will cherish together as a class. I am super thankful that I met my classmates because they are my family, they are the ones who helped me even if they knew there was nothing in return. My classmates whom I will always remember, the memories that I will cherish forever. Thank you batch 2019-2020, you will always have a part in my heart the memories shall be forever cherished! I miss my classmates so much. Happy trails to all of you, until we meet again! 🤍

Year End Party 🚀

Foundation Day Celebration 🎉

Taking of Graduation Pictures 🌹

Intramurals 2020 🙌

Graduates👩‍🎓👨‍🎓(Incomplete tho ):)

Prom 2020 ✨

My Prom Partner ❤

Honorees 🤍 

[echocardiogram]

I feel like an asshole for doing this, but I’ve seen posts like this every year and I’ve never thought poorly of the poster and I could really use a smile, so here it goes: 

I won’t be getting any Christmas presents this year. It’s been a really long time since I’ve gotten any presents for anything. And I would really, really love to have something to open this year. So I put together a wishlist on Amazon. There are some really small, affordable items. It would mean the world to me to know someone cares and was thinking about me this holiday season. 

I don’t share personal issues and events very often, but I figure if I’m asking a bunch of strangers for Christmas presents, I owe you guys some sort of an explanation. So I’ve provided a bit of a backstory below. Believe it or not, that’s the short version. 

Like I said, I feel like a jerk for asking this, but I just could really use some kindness right now. If you decide to send me something, please, please, please include your name/username so I can thank you (or an address I can send a thank you note to!). If you can’t or don’t want to buy a stranger a gift that’s totally fine, thanks for reading all of this. 

Happy Holidays to everyone! We all deserve to have a happy and fun season. 

In early December of 2017, my mother had a health scare. We thought she’d had a heart attack (or similar issue) while she had a horrible cold. Her doctor ordered some tests and they came back with the notes that her heart looked fine, but there was a mass in her lung. It took forever to get her into a specialist. But by the end of January of 2018, she had been diagnosed with lung cancer. 

At the time, my mom was married to the man she’d been with since I was 4. But the cancer diagnosis did something horrible to him and he stopped interacting with my mother. There were some really awful events that took place between February and May which lead my mother to file for divorce in June. 

Simultaneously (February-June 2018), my mom went through her first round of chemotherapy and radiation. It was awful. The chemo medication they gave her was really strong. It had to be. But it left her completely bed-bound. She could barely keep food down, which led to rapid weight loss and dehydration. On top of that, due to where the tumors were, the radiation burnt her esophagus and stomach. All of this hospitalized her in April. She was only in for a week, thankfully. But it was easily the worst week of my life. 

Because of how her husband acted, all of her care fell on me. And it’s continued to be my responsibility. 

When her treatment wrapped up in June of 2018 her doctors had been really optimistic that she wouldn’t need any more treatment. And her 3-month scan in September seemed to support that. It took months for her to gain her strength and stamina back, but by the end of September she was back to work and things were returning to normal. 

In the final days of 2018, my mother had her next set of 3-month scans. They showed that not only were the masses in her lungs growing again but this time an MRI showed that it had spread to her brain. I have never been so thankful for a scan. The MRI was supposed to be a yearly scan, and she had had one in September, but I just had this feeling that she needed to have one in December and I threw a fit on the phone with her doctor until she agreed to order it. 

She started full brain radiation in late December 2018 and wrapped it up on January 4, 2019. What a horrible way to ring in the new year. Full brain radiation has the potential for quite a few permanent side effects. For my mom, these side effects manifested as forgetfulness, trouble expressing herself, and changes in mood and behavior. Her doctors have her on a medication that’s supposed to minimize these side effects, but they’ll never completely go away. 

Once the brain radiation ended, she began her second round of chemotherapy  This time the chemo medication was different, and luckily, much gentler on her. She still lost some weight, but she wasn’t completely bed-bound. This round ended in early May of 2019 and her doctors immediately started her on immunotherapy. She goes every three weeks. It’s much easier on her, but she’s still exhausted in the days following her treatment. 

This year, her September 3-month scan showed that cancer in her brain was still active in a few spots. She had gamma knife radiation (basically, pinpoint radiation) in October. She just had her December scans yesterday. We’ll get the results next week. I’m terrified. I always am. 

To make matters worse, my mom was fired from her job this September (on my birthday, no less). Luckily, she was able to find a new one within 2 weeks, but her health care was through her work. We were able to COBRA her insurance, but it’s over $400 a month. We were barely making ends meet before she was fired, now it’s even more difficult. We have additional debt from the divorce and the cost of buying and setting up a new home (things like dishes and beds and a stove). 

We’re in a much better place now. We’re in a home where we feel safe (we weren’t last year, her ex got really abusive). My mom is working again. (She’s one of those people who go crazy when they’re not working. She doesn’t know how to be idle.) But there isn’t any money for anything extra. 

I work as much as I can, but I have a chronic pain condition that severely limits how much I can do. And there are still times when I have to be home to take care of my mother. The immunotherapy she’s on is usually very tolerable, but there have been some treatments that have left her unable to leave her bed for 3-4 days (this last one was really hard on her).  

I have been squirreling away change and single dollar bills for the past three months so I can buy my mother something for Christmas, but she’s already told me that I shouldn’t be getting her anything and she won’t be getting me anything because we don’t have the money. I have to dip into the money I’ve put away for her present to buy bread today. Things are just...really tight. 

Through all of this, there hasn’t been time or money to spend on me. And I’m not upset about that. I’m not mad or annoyed that I haven’t gotten anything for my birthday(s) or Christmas(s). Hell, my mother still being alive is the best gift she could give me. I’ve just hit a point mentally and emotionally where I need something good or kind for me. I didn’t have many friends before my mother’s diagnosis, but when I started taking care of her full-time in 2018, the ones that I did have drifted away. And as much as I have aunts and uncles and cousins, we’ve never been the gift-giving kind of family. 

The list I made is ridiculously long. But there are a lot of small, inexpensive items on it. I also added a couple of things for my pets and my mom. In case you’d like to make their holidays a little brighter. If you can and want to send something, I would really appreciate it. If you can’t or don’t want to, I totally understand. This time of year is so difficult for so many families. I know I’m not in need in the same way others are. There are plenty of people who need help with food or presents for their children. But I thought I’d ask anyway. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. 

Christmas List

[jaimistoryteller]

2019 Wishlist

Greetings All & Blessed Be I hope this finds you having a wonderful season thus far. My name is Jaimi, I am an indie author, who is fighting for disability due to a combination of physical and mental health complication, working on trying to figure out how to get a bookstore, farm market & artisan craft store up and running at the same time. It's a bit of a balancing act since my health means I can only work rarely, and I planned for others to actually do the majority of the work. It's also a balancing act as it can be used against me. While there are amazon lists, do not feel like you have to get the stuff from amazon. Instead, if you have some of it floating around, know where you can get it for cheaper, or simply don't like amazon, I have no issues providing an address to send it to! I can be contacted on here or by email at cosmosbusinessventures@gmail.com. Since this list will cover several different people, I am not going to post the addresses here for safety reasons. I've had a stalker in the past, so now I like knowing when I give it out. That said, here are my requests for myself, friends and family. 1. Amazon Wishlist house supplies for Shelk & boys. She's a single mom, with two sons. While she got a job a little earlier this year, and it was supposed to become permanent in November, it's rather up in the air due to the business recently being sold, and the new owners are considering changing out staff. That means every penny she makes goes towards food, lot rent (which she is paying catch up on from when she was unemployed) and the utilities. If you'd be able to save money by buying the stuff you want to send or have some of it from stocking up and want to share, message me for her address! 2. Amazon Wishlist gift ideas for Shelk & the boys. Shelk loves to read - fantasy, romance, and stuff with happy endings mostly, but since she doesn't have a device that can do ebooks, she does paperbacks. N (elder nephew - 10 years old) is getting into science, enjoys reading mysteries and spy stuff, likes the Marvel heroes, and has recently started journaling & keeping a planner that he likes to decorate with stickers! J (younger nephew - 5, years old & turns 6 the day before Christmas) adores mindcraft, building blocks, play money, food, stickers, or house stuff (all of it from the cooking to the mechanics stuff), and cars! There is a combination of toys they have requested, plus things they have not but have shown interest in the past on the list. 3. Amazon Wishlist Food or Full Cart for Rachel & family . Rachel takes care of her mom and helps her aunt, while dealing with her own health issues. She's been told she's not qualified for disability because she didn't work enough and is not old enough, even though she has had progressive issues that are following along the same route as her mom's. There are three people in the family. All food from the Omaha Steaks company done on one order gets a single shipping cost from my experimentation, making it cheaper to do multiples rather than singles. 4. Amazon Wishlist gift ideas for Rachel & family. All three members of the family are into crafts. When living with disabilities, it's best to find what brings you joy. For them, it's creating things. They love all sorts of crafts, everything from planners and scrap books, to knitting and sewing, to coloring. It is not uncommon for them to save up their change to get craft bags from ReStores. Craft bags are pieces of fabric, random things of thread, and other odds & ins to make stuff. Sometimes they find larger things of cloth to work with, and other times not. no matter what the craft material, one of the three will come up with something for it. The only thing is it has to be perfume free as all three are allergic to perfumes. There is also a collection of gift cards, to allow them a chance to spoil themselves, some are food related, some are store related. 5. Amazon Wishlist hobby and gift ideas for my ma. She had a stroke in 2008, since then she has been struggling to discover who she is with the disabilities it left her. At this time she's working on escaping an abusive relationship, where her partner has a bad habit of treating her like a burden and useless. It's broken her self esteem the rest of the way, along with worsening her depression. I am trying to help her find things that she will enjoy, that she can do rather than simply sit and think of that which is lost. 6. Home Depot or Lowe's Gift Cards! All four houses have various projects that need to be worked on. Shelk - trying to finish replacing the bad plumbing and molded insulation to keep her home warm for the boys and herself, there's a few other things that need dealt with too. Jaimi - trying to replace old and raggedy carpet with floor tiles, also has plumbing that needs fixed, two base board heaters that are glitching, and a window in need of replacing. Pattie (my ma) - needs a new dishwasher so on bad days she can put the dishes in there and use it, needs to fix the sink, and do something with the carpet. Rachel - kitchen sink and counter totally needs replaced, bathroom sink needs fixed, a few other random things. 7. Amazon Wishlist for me, cause yes besides the necessities of repairing the house, there is some fun stuff I'd love to get but can't bring myself to use my bill money for. Any and all art supplies, whether they are on there, from a thrift store, extras just laying around, or from a dollar store are welcome! I have yet to come across an art supply I cannot use in some way. 8. Cards and letters - any of us, plus I know that myself, Rachel, Paula, Dawn, and Pattie will send thank you cards for them. Addresses will be provided on request! they don't have to be fancy, expensive, or long. It's nice to get little cards from people. A little sign that we're not alone over the season, when sometimes hard times and health problems strike the worst. 9. I have a service dog named Winston who I am making payments on, there is still $1,300 left on him. The sooner I get him paid off, the sooner that money goes back towards the bills. Any help towards that would be appreciated. I can provide the loan company and information who would like go that route, there is also my Ko-Fi, PayPal email (cosmosbusinessventures@gmail.com) or GoFundMe for those who prefer that method.

[ID: Winston the Rottweiler service pup at the vet]

10. Say something kind to a stranger when in public. A simple "you look nice" or "lovely smile" or "I hope you have a good day". It can make a huge difference and only takes a few seconds to do. There is too much cruelty in the world, so it spreads a bit of cheer. Thank you all for taking the time to read this long list! I will be going through and trying to do what I can with my limited income. May your season and year to follow be wonderful! Jaimi

PS - this is copied over from the Dreamwidth Holiday Wishlist exchange, I figure it doesn’t hurt for me to post it in both spots. 

[annakie]

My mom got me a Kitchenaid stand mixer a couple of years ago, and I decided I didn't have counter space for it, so it mostly has sat in a box since then, with only a couple of uses.  When I’d think about using it I thought about getting it out of the heavy box, then putting it back, and rarely wanted to do that.  Its home has been my dining room table, which has been housing a lot of misc. stuff since the floors were redone, and those things have slowly been sorted through. Nearly done now.

For Christmas, my brother, SIL, my 3 nephews and 1 niece all drove down to my parents house, which is a 1 hour trip for me and about a 9 hour trip for them.  My SIL’s parents also flew in, and my parents and aunt (mom’s sister) were there as well.  

Lots of words about family and my house and stuff below.

My mom has had the same stand mixer for, not exaggerating here, 51 years, and it was a year or two old when she took it from her grandmother.  My dad has kept it in working condition the whole time.

This past week, one day while I was at work, my mom was trying to make something and the mixer sparked and smoked.  It looked bad for it to keep working.  So my SIL had the amazing idea to give my mom a new Kitchenaid mixer for Christmas.  She and my brother had a beautiful light blue, 5 quart Professional Plus mixer overnighted to the house.  I didn’t know it was coming, and Christmas Eve night a couple of hours after I got there, my dad walked outside and was like “There’s a package on the front porch, what is this?”  My mom walked outside and just started crying.  It was just the most perfect family moment.  My mom deserves the world, and getting this beautiful new stand mixer was the absolute perfect present.  We brought it inside and she sat on the floor and took it out of the box and marveled over it and cried.  It was beautiful.

My dad did manage to bring the old mixer back from the brink of death, and the old mixer still has one advantage over the new one -- size.  My parents are mostly full-time RVers.  They have the house as a home-base but they’re usually there 3 - 4 months out of the year and mostly live out of their RV.  The new mixer is much too big for the RV. Mom and I talked about trading mixers, mine is a few inches shorter than hers since hers is the crank-lift kind and mine is tilt-head, but she said she loves her new mixer too much to trade.  So for now, it’s for use at-home only, though she may need to change her mind eventually depending on if dad can keep the old mixer going.

So we baked even more than we planned to this last week so we could use the new mixer.  I was making baked French Toast Christmas morning (using the mixer to beat the eggs, worked great), and showed mom the list of accessories for the mixer, waiting for her to express interest in one of them.  She went “OOH!” at the Ice Cream maker.  In my family we generally just spoil the kids and the adults get each other white-elephant level gifts.  I got the guys knitted winter caps with an LED on the forehead and the ladies thick fleece socks, plus got my mom a glass nail file.  But mom chipped in a lot of money for my floors, so I thought, I wanted to get her something nicer.  So yesterday, the Ice Cream Maker arrived on her doorstep.  Still can’t use it on their next trip, but it’ll be nice for other times in the year.

So all of that inspired me to appreciate the KitchenAid mixer I have.  I mean, I literally wanted one for like most of my adult life, and would gaze at them at the store, had it on my amazon wishlist for years, and several times almost pulled the trigger but never... quite did.  It was always too expensive, I didn’t know if I’d use it enough, etc.  And I was so excited when I did get one, I think it was in 2015.  And yeah.. like I said... rarely used it.  

My kitchen is a galley, and it’s TINY and not well laid out.  I sincerely hate my kitchen and it is the main reason I daydream about buying a different house someday.  I have a square about 3 feet wide and long, if that, which is really usable counter space that isn’t taken up by the microwave, and the toaster and crockpot were on the wall-part there.  The crockpot found a new home in another cabinet (it’s easy to get out when I’ll need it) and the mixer took it’s place.

I’ve had a red velvet cake mix in my pantry for awhile.  Today, I make cake for the office to eat tomorrow.  Next Thursday, I’m going to make these orange creamsicle cookies, the recipe for which I had reblogged several years ago, and I came across it when I was doing my blog cleanup a few months ago, and have just had it open in a tab for literally like 3+ months. My friends are planning a weekend of gaming next weekend so hopefully I can have these ready as a treat to bring. :)

The other challenge I’ve had in baking is that my oven is very old, and very bad.  It’s one of those things I’ve been wanting to replace since I bought this house in 2003 and the very last appliance, including heater, AC, hot water heater, and even the sinks and toilets, that I have yet to actually replace.  I even got a new dishwasher this year... so the oven will have to wait.  In 2016, though, I got a microwave / convection oven for Christmas.  And honestly, since the day I set that on my counter, I have not turned on the oven.  I’ve used the stovetop plenty, but not the oven itself.  It was always impossible to get a consistent bake in there, no matter what I was cooking, meat or sweets.  Everything was always over or underdone.  Everything turns out great in the convection oven, and though you can’t make anything BIG in it, for cooking for one or two people it’s perfect.

So I hadn’t really baked in the convection oven, though I’d cooked in it plenty.  I realized I didn’t have small-sized baking pans, so I bought a set, and now I’m making two small-sized cakes.  Though I think it’s time to dig out my cake tins... they’ve gotta be in here somewhere.

And I’m also making icing instead of using storebought.  Storebought always had a chemically undertaste I hated.  Hopefully this turns out awesome and I’ll have something nice for my co-workers tomorrow, and can make delicious cookies for my friends next weekend.

[allons-y-to-hogwarts-713]

Hey there! Sorry for the silence for the past few days! I had quite the hectic week. I'll get started on your present veerrryy soon, so if there is anything that is on top of your wishlist for a fic, please do tell me! :) You should definitely go with them if they ever go back to Amsterdam! Though there a lot of nice places outside the city as well :) Those are some wonderful things you mentioned about CS, I love those too. I just googled the outer banks and they are gorgeous!! [1/?]

What are some of your favourite foods? I love to try different foods when I'm travelling! I've only ever been to the westcoast of the US, but I'd love to see more! New York is very high on my wishlist. Some of my favourite places I've been are Edinburgh and Napoli! I old cities, it's almost like you can feel the history. I always try to imagine what it must have looked like hundreds of years ago [2/?]

Some of my favourite things about CS is how they fight for each other, and defend eachother. They can be so soft and sweet to eachother, and then in the next moment call the other out on their BS. Also the loving and stupid smiles, the leather jackets, the 'making eyes'. Basically everything! Did you make any more Christmas cookies? I'll hop by again later to talk about Christmas and to tell how you my prep of you gift is going [3/3]

Hi, Santa!

sorry, I saw the parallel when I added the Snow Miser gif and I had to

No problem, I totally understand, and I apologize too for the very late response.

Surprise me! Whatever you like to write. :)

I love a lot of food lol. It would probably be easier to name foods I don’t like. XD Honestly though, I could eat good ol’ mac ’n’ cheese any time. If it involves potato and/or dough and/or is fried, I probably like it too lol, especially potato pancakes, pierogi, and pizza. I also love Chinese food, though I guess I’ve mostly had Americanized versions of it. There’s one place around here that my sister-in-law said is a little more authentic than others for the most part though and their food is delicious, and her mom traveled here once and we made hotpot and dumplings together, which was great. What are some of your favorite foods?

I’ve never been to the west coast, but I’d like to see it eventually if I ever get the chance. One of my friends went to Edinburgh once or twice and loved it there. Old cities are cool. Even places that aren’t really that old but aren’t what they used to be are interesting to me. Like the main street in the town where I used to live, a lot of the stores and little restaurants were closed even when I was a kid and nothing ever reopened there, and it’s only gotten more empty since then. I always wonder what it was like when the buildings and businesses were new and the paint was fresh and the street felt alive just a few decades ago.

Yes yes all those CS things are great!

I did, I made sugar cookies, which I have to finish icing at some point. My mom made snickerdoodles, ginger snaps, and “monster cookies” which use oatmeal, peanut butter, and M&Ms. I want to make chocolate chip cookies and more butter cookies, and my mom wants to make pecan cookie balls, anise cookies, and Oreo cheesecake cookie ball things, but we’re almost out of some main ingredients (including butter) and we haven’t gotten to pick up more yet. I have a chocolate chip cookie recipe that uses shortening, but I like the butter one better if I can make it. Do you like to bake? Have you made any cookies?

Are you ready for Christmas? I’m definitely not, and it’s so close!

[lenaisanerd]

i know it’s expected that i be serene

When Clary texts Simon requesting Fullmetal Alchemist, he knows something's up. But Clary seems to be in denial, and so Simon dispenses the ultimate cure-all: Hanging out with her best friend. (ca. 3500 words)

tunes.

Read on AO3.

 This story was co-written with my darling @raisehades. Please enjoy the hard-earned fruits of many late-night Google Docs comment battles.

Clary: can i come ober

  Simon: Ofc

  Are u okay?

  Clary: yes i just want so talk and cuddle or something

  Simon: Okay. Want me to set up anything?

  Clary: fma? 2009?

  Simon: I gotchu

Simon was slightly worried.

First of all, Clary wasn’t usually this reserved in her texting. Her lack of exclamation points coupled with the request for her favourite show could only mean one thing: his friend was way more down than she was letting on.

But he would deal with that when she brought it up because, well, he was also happy; Clary and him used to do this a lot – go over to each other’s (parent’s) place to hang out and watch something they both more or less enjoyed and maybe even talk about their lives and their feelings and- stuff.

But ever since the whole… half-angel manic pixie dream girl mom reveal (the HAMPDGMR) and everything that went down in consequence of the HAMPDGMR, they simply hadn’t done this sort of thing anymore. Sure, they hung out with all their other friends, at parties at Magnus’ loft or karaoke night at the Hunter’s Moon. And while that was fun, it was different when it was just the two of them.

Even during their brief dating stint, there wasn’t much they did that they’d done as friends. Simon had enjoyed what they’d done together, of course, but looking back it had been obvious that this wasn’t ideal for them.

Ideal was this: Lugging the connector cable for the TV into the vicinity of his laptop, powering both up and then loading a site with English subtitles of Hiromu Arakawa’s masterpiece Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood.

Also ideal: Clary bringing weird snacks with unpronounceable names from the Polish bodega down the street from their old high school. That store had become their first stop after class when they were younger and would sneak candy into movie theatres or curl up on the couch in Clary’s living room and watch Audrey Hepburn flicks with Dot. Simon was almost certain he would be able to eat some and keep them down by now.

Well, actually, in a perfect world, Simon would have loved to cook something for Clary (the food at the Institute was a far cry from what any sane person would call comfort food. Or edible). But one of the results of moving out of his mom’s place just after he’d become a bloodsucking creature of the night was that he owned basically no dishes, or pots, or kitchen utensils.

Even compiling his stuff with Maia’s (who had lived next to a Chinese restaurant for her entire adult life) yielded five plates, one bowl, two chipped mugs, and somehow a ridiculously large amount of cutlery. So cooking anything more than a bowl of cereal was out of the question until they got around to buying some usable stuff. Simon could already see himself and Maia filling their birthday and Christmas/Hanukkah wishlists with basic household items for years into the future. Ah, the joys of adulthood.

Still, this was almost the Saturday morning of his dreams. In the past year, Simon had come to understand that while moments of normalcy were few and far between, when one came along they had to hold on tight for as long as they could. Which was exactly what he was planning to do.

“I’m telling you, Polish Bodega lady has to be a Downworlder. We just have to find out what flavor she is.” Clary started on her new favourite topic as soon as Simon opened the door. She draped her damp jacket over the back of a kitchen chair to dry, dropped a plastic bag on the table, and re-tied her wet ponytail.

Simon started rummaging through the contents of the bag. “Okay, one: I don’t like “flavors”, at all, two: how do you know she’s not just a normal human being who just happens to own a windowless shop where she basically lives 24/7? Oooh, you brought those weird milk drops!”

Clary had her back turned to him while she stretched as far as she could to reach the plates and mugs on one of the high shelves above the sink, not quite managing it. “She never sleeps. Sometimes I come by that store when I’m on patrol, and she must be there all night. Every night. And every day, too. Either she never sleeps, or she has at least two clones.”

“Maybe she has an identical twin sister.” Simon took pity on her and handed her the dishes. Clary took them and ducked out under his arm from between the sink and his body in one fluid movement. Then she set to digging through the fridge for some soda for herself, and a bag of A+ for him, hugging the plates and mugs to her body with her free arm.

“I think I caught her staring at my runes. She definitely at least has the Sight.”

“Oh, so your angel-ninja sense is tingling? Tell me, is there a type of demon that loves to disguise itself as an old lady and watch reruns of Polish soap operas?”

“There’s only so many demons that can be terrorizing Manhattan bankers at a time, you know.”

Simon let out an undignified snort of laughter, of the kind that, had he been drinking at the time, would certainly have made him exhale his drink through his nose. Clary stuck her head over the fridge door grinning triumphantly. Then she emerged fully from its depths with a bottle of coke wedged horizontally under her chin, the plates under her arm, right hand holding the mugs, and left hand holding the blood bag. Standing up was a precarious balancing act, and Simon rushed over to take the bottle from between her chin and collarbone. After he snatched up the bags of sweets from the table they continued their procession into Simon’s bedroom.

Maia and him had moved in together just after New Year’s, into a tiny two-bedroom apartment in Fort Greene. They had decided against sharing a bedroom, though, mostly because of their sleep schedules. As Maia had put it, one partner strangling the other because a certain vampire keeps making noise all through the night while a certain werewolf is trying to sleep is not very conducive to a healthy relationship. Of course, they often spend the night together anyway, although those weren’t the nights when they did much sleeping.

“Come lie down, thought you wanted to cuddle,” Simon said, sitting down on the bed and patting the spot next to him. Clary flopped down and threw her legs over his. Balancing the snack plate carefully on her lap she fluffed the pillows behind her and finally settled down.

It was several skipped episodes, an entire bag o’ blood, and a good two thirds of the coke later when Simon got to find out why  exactly  Clary was in such urgent need for Comfort TV Time.

“Did you know jat Ling’s name doejn’t need the ng sound at all? It’sh Lin in Japanese and”, Simon swallowed the milk drops, “the Chinese translation both, so they just changed it for us for some reason.”

“You’re going to regret eating those,” Clary said with such a comical expression of distaste on her face that Simon couldn’t help but laugh out loud. She rolled her eyes. “Suit yourself. I won’t mop it up, though.”

Simon was still grinning when Clary reached forward to pause the episode on a rather unfortunate still of Major Louis Armstrong in motion.

“Do you think Izzy would like this,” she said, suddenly serious.

“Who wouldn’t like Fullmetal Alch- ”

“You’re right. Of course she would. Continue.”

Simon took her vague gesture towards the screen as a command to unpause. About half a minute later she piped up again, this time not even bothering with the pause button. “Her favourite character would have to be Mei-Chang.”

“Really?,” Simon indulged, reminding himself that he had in fact watched this episode several times in his life(un-life?) already and could live (hah) with not catching every subtitle, “I would have thought Olivier, Lan Fan… or maybe Riza? One of the really cool badass ladies.”

“Izzy may be a really cool badass but trust me, she loves little girls with a passion for science. Did I tell you about that dinner party at Magnus’ place? She was off in a corner with Madzie all evening, talking about chemistry or something. It was adorable.”

“Yes, I – I don’t know how I managed to forget. You’ve told me about it... several times now.” Simon was quite proud of his wallowing pause here.

Clary said, “Well.” and when Simon looked over to her she was visibly re-invested in subtitles. He suppressed a fond headshake and decided to let her have this one.

The next time they got through a good fifteen minutes during which Clary only noticeably stopped herself from interrupting twice and Simon started quietly wondering if eating those drops was a bad idea after all.

“Could we invite her to something like this?”

“Izzy, you mean?”

“Ah, yes. I just mean, like, we’ve hung out at the Hunter’s Moon and the Institute and stuff but I don’t know, would she like just… watching anime? Snacking?”

Simon really did put up with a lot, huh. “I don’t know, what do you think?”, he said in his least exasperated voice and leaned forward once again to press pause. He looked over to Clary, who was searching through one of the bags of candy for the last red one with the utmost concentration.

“I think she’s probably never been able to do something like this but that… she’d probably like to try. And I guess it depends on the show if she’d enjoy it. Her attention span is better than ours’ for sure, though. Maybe I’ll ask her.”

“Instead of me?! I’m hurt, Fray.” Simon placed a hand over his unbeating heart and pulled what he hoped to be the most devastating pout since Shrek’s puss in boots. He probably didn’t succeed in that.

Clary repaid his efforts by hitting his shoulder. He whined out an ooow and curled up to smoosh his head into Clary’s side. Her shirt muffled his sigh, and she recoiled from his breath, pushing him away with a giggle.

“Simon, stop that! You know I’m ticklish!”

Instead of letting up, Simon wrapped his arms around Clary’s waist.

“Zis vasn’t my decision.” Simon was using his best Bela Lugosi accent. Clary’s eyes widened in mock horror and the corner of her mouth twitched upward. “You brought zis on yourself. If Izzy is going to be your new best friend now, you must face...ze octopus!” His legs wrapped around Clary’s knees while she wriggled and squirmed and laughed.

“Hang on, what do you mean ‘my new best friend’? Simon Lewis, you’re not suddenly getting jealous, are you?” Clary asked when she had successfully freed herself from Simon’s grasp and they were both lying on their backs, looking at the ceiling.

“Pssh. No,” Simon lied. Clary had the decency to look slightly guilty. “Maybe you just have a crush on Izzy, ever thought about that?”

He had expected a pillow to the face for that tease, or another assault on his shoulder, or a bit of banter. What Simon had not expected was Clary suddenly looking all serious.

“Huh. You know, I’ve never considered that. Thanks, Simon,” she said, and Simon was quite proud of himself for being as good at identifying sarcasm as he was, but he really and truly couldn’t tell what Clary was thinking then. As his friend leant forward to unpause their series he decided she must just be a bit tired of antics for today. Understandable, really.

Yesterday’s summer storm had turned into persistent rain. It pitter-pattered against the fire escape and the windowsill, occasionally cutting through the sound coming from the TV’s speakers. During the peak of the heat wave, Maia and Simon had opened all the windows in the apartment to let in a breeze and had jammed whatever was handy at the time underneath to keep them from closing. There was a guitar foot rest wedged in the crack of Simon’s bedroom window.

“Simon?”

“Yeah?”

“I definitely have a crush on Izzy.”

The pause button had never been pressed so quickly. It would have been a world record, if world record judges liked to hang out on rickety fire escapes peering through windows to see if random teenagers performed laws-of-physics-defying feats from the comfort of their beds.

Simon lay back down, face to face with Clary. She seemed way more casual than what Simon thought was appropriate for the situation.

“So…Izzy. Isabelle. Really tall, beautiful, kinda scary. Terrible cook. We’re still talking about our Izzy here?”

“Yep.”

“Huh.” Simon let that sink in for a minute.

“And, uh. How long have you known?”

Clary let out a hollow chuckle. “Consciously? About 30 seconds.”

Simon sat up. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Clary. I know you won’t like hearing it, but I’ve been your friend for over ten years, so I feel it is my duty to tell you this: You are such a dumbass.”

With a big sigh, Clary rolled over and buried her face in a pillow. Simon could barely make out her voice, but what she said sounded distinctly like a whine.

“What was that?”

Clary came up for air. ”I know.” Definitely whiny. With a very long vowel sound.

“I mean, you’re in so deep that I’m surprised you don’t need scuba gear yet.”

A groan.

Simon bumped her shoulder gently with his elbow. “Did I make you skip to the ‘wallowing in your own misery’ phase of having a crush?”

“No, it’s just...I can’t believe I never noticed.” Clary sat up, her legs crossed, facing Simon. “I only spent, oh, the last year with Izzy, every day. And– and looking back on some… things, it’s becoming really clear that I’ve had a crush on her for a while. And now I just feel like the biggest idiot in the world, and also what the fuck do I do now, Simon?” While she spoke Clary had let her head sink into her hands. Simon was of the opinion that they had just passed ‘wallowing’ and were well on their way to “breakdown”.

Simon leaned forward and, as gently as he could, pried Clary’s hands away from her face and held onto them for safekeeping.

“Hey, slow down, ‘cause this is bringing back really bad memories of pre-finals all-nighters.” This at least got a little smile out of Clary. “Now, can we back up just a bit to the ‘things’ you’re currently re-examining?”

Clary thought for a moment and then answered slowly, as though she was choosing her words with care. “Like, for example, why I love when she does my makeup. She’s really focused and just gets so close to my face and then she does that thing were she bites her lip and narrows her eyes, and sometimes I just want to lean forward and… kiss her?”

Immediately and seemingly instinctually, a grin tugged its way up the corner of Simon’s mouth. “Should I go get that scuba gear?” Clary rolled her eyes in response, but continued her recounting of Isabelle’s many virtues.

“And, uh, I always pick Izzy as a training partner, even though she does not go easy on me, because I kind of like when she kicks my ass.”

Simon only held in a dirty joke by viciously biting his own tongue. Clary was in distress. In distress.

His friend looked up at him from behind a strand of hair as if sensing his struggle but, judging by the nearly imperceptible untrackable movement of her eyebrows, refusing to acknowledge it. She headed on.

“Like, Izzy isn't really like anyone I've ever met before? And it's so - uh, exciting? Just to see her, like, do things her way. From the start she's made me feel like I belong, when, like, no one else really bothered to try?” Clary exhaled and shook her head. “I don't know. Maybe that's a bit much. I mean, what if we start dating and it immediately goes sideways? It’s just - we have too much history together. Maybe that doesn’t make any sense?”

Simon frowned. “No, I get it. She's really important to you.” He tilted his head to catch Clary’s gaze again. “And I know you’re really important to her. I don’t think one bad date could end your friendship. Also, you’ve known her for a year. If you want to call that ‘too much history’, I guess it might be, but when has that ever stopped you?”

Clary barked out a laugh. “Yeah, our relationship wasn’t exactly a success, though.”

“Okay, that’s fair, but Izzy isn’t me. And you aren’t the same you you were a year ago. Things are different.”

Clary looked ready to argue again, but kept quiet. Her body language was singularly vulnerable but her expression was more thoughtful than anything, brow furrowed tightly. She picked absently at her fingers which were still stained with oil paints, green and purple and gold. The rain continued its assault on the fire escape.

Eventually, after a long moment of silence, Clary stretched out on the bed next to Simon and, tugging at his shoulder, gently nudged him to lie down too. Clary tilted her head so it was lying against his shoulder and they lay there listening to the city they had been hearing their entire lives. But it was different now, wasn’t it? Simon had super vampire hearing and Clary had her angel ears and this wasn’t the city they had known anymore, because they knew what hid under the surface. But then, well, New York had never been the city they thought they knew. Simon had meant what he’d said: Clary had changed, and he had changed, and their old world felt lifetimes away. A year ago he would have said this was a bad thing. Today, he... wasn’t so sure.

“Should I tell her, do you think?”

“Hmm? What?”

“Izzy.”

“Oh.” Simon tried to get his train of thought off the existentialist detour track. “Uhh,” he said, intelligently, “I don’t know. Give me a sec.”

“Yeah, of course. Can you think while we watch?”

Simon nodded and Clary unpaused the episode. She propped her head up on her hand to get a more comfortable angle at the screen, and Simon’s eyes caught on the rune on her neck, right against the edge of her jawline. That was the first one, the healing rune that had seemed so out of place the night he’d found her by the church. By the Institute. Now, he couldn’t really imagine Clary without the runes, each a different part of her new life. There were the quick, simple ones Jace had drawn in the beginning, joined by the strong, decisive strokes of Isabelle and the slender script that indicated Alec, and of course Clary’s own hand, elegant and curving. Some for protection and some for strength, for courage and speed, fresh ones and older, darker marks. There was a story for every single one. A bit of experience. A battle won or lost.

He didn’t often dwell on this, but it sometimes occurred to Simon just how strong his best friend was. She had been through so, so much and come out on the other side a victor, maybe through luck, but also through sheer stubbornness. It was one of the things he loved (and sometimes loathed) about Clary. Simon was extraordinarily grateful that, even though both of them had lost a life, they had gained a new one, and one that had the other in it.

“Clary.”

She turned her head so she could look at him. One side of her face reflected the  flickering lights of the TV. “Yes?”

“I think you should do what you think is best. Trust your gut. You’re gonna be fine.”

Clary looked disappointed. “That wasn’t much of an answer, oh great oracle,” she said.

“Well, that’s the only one you’re gonna get. This oracle is closed for the day,” Simon replied. He crossed his arms over his chest to emphasize his statement. Then, very quickly and stumbling over his words a little, he added: “I just really respect you and I think you’re really smart and have good judgement, and you can sort this out for yourself. Also if anything goes wrong this means you can’t blame me, so–” The rest of the sentence was cut off by Clary rushing to hug him. Her shoulder banged into his chin rather painfully. He would, of course, not have it any other way.

“Thank you, Simon. I love you.”

Simon smiled into Clary’s shoulder. “Love you too, Fray.”

[smokingtomas]

snowflake

(akai ito: fear ch. 8)

Ever since that day, Souma never talks about children or the fact that he wants a family of his own. They go through day by day as if that fight never happened. They still challenge each other, tease each other, and love each other all at the same time.

And it only came to her thoughts after he proposed during their trip to Paris.

But what he always does is showing his affection towards children everywhere he sees one. He would ignore Erina for the rest of a party to play with one of the guests' little boy or doing one of those Yukihira charities for that one orphanage in Tokyo he always goes to every Christmas Eve and shower them with toys and his cooking.

And this year, Souma insisted Erina to ditch the Nakiri Group annual Christmas Eve party to come with him to the orphanage.

"I put a ring on your finger and you still don't want to spend Christmas Eve with me? Some fiancee you are, Nakiri."

Of course she detected that sarcasm of his, but she also knew he was serious, so that's how Erina ends up in the middle of this small, dinty dining room, scooping some beef curry to plates after plates for the happy children along with other volunteers.

But this actually doesn't feel bad. At all.

Erina loves how this place (that's always been depressing in her head) brings so much joy to her heart. The squeals of delight and excited frenzy in the multifunction room is even more present once gift wrappers are thrown around the room because of the toys they get from them (Yes, Soma and Erina shopped for the toys themselves). Even a 4-year-old girl keep thanking Erina for the Barbie doll she picked and refuses to let go of her the entire night.

Not even when Souma introduced her as "my friend Erina", and one of the children instantly jumped and yelped, "No, they are engaged! I saw it on the news!".

These kids nowadays.

Though that compassion side of him did come out once again when he read them the classic tale of Nutcracker in the middle of the room. She never thought she'd see this side of Souma, and she welcomes those flowers that are growing in her heart, happily, and there's no denying to it.

"So… what do you think?" Souma asks her by the time they cool down beneath the Christmas tree and most of the children have gone back to their rooms.

"What do you mean?"

"Y'know, it's your first time here. And I know it could probably get too chaotic for you especially during dinner and when they-"

Erina places her hand on his thigh, "I enjoyed it very much, Yukihira. Thank you."

And she means it- she actually thinks this is the best Christmas she's ever had so far. Especially now when Michael Bublé's version of All I Want For Christmas Is You echoes softly through the dimmed room. For some reason, the smile Souma offers says that he knew it all along.

"Well, Chiyo seems to really like you." He refers to the little girl who's been on Erina's tail all night, but is now asleep on her lap.

"Maybe it's the dog Snapchat filter." She shrugs, but never stopping the gentle brushes along the strands of her brown hair.

"No, seriously. You're so good with 'em." He chuckles, "The only time your haughty side doesn't jump out."

"What? I-I don't have a haughty side anymore! What are you talking-"

"Sssshh, you'll wake her up, y'know." Souma whispers, grinning at the same time. "You think I don't know what your cooks have been saying 'bout ya?"

She lowers her voice this time, but still ever so demanding, "W-Well that is a completely different situation! I am running a kitchen, for crying out loud!"

"Geez, Nakiri. Relax. It's not like I'm gonna leave you if you're being haughty again."

"What?! Th-That's not what-"

"Sssh!"

"Hey, do not shush me!"

"Sssh!" Souma does it once again.

"That is seriously annoying, Yukihira!"

"Then don't make me kiss ya in front of all these kids."

Like hell she would. "Hmph, you are seriously infuriating. I'm blaming myself for thinking that it's your high school phase only."

"And yet here you are all set to take me as your husband." He takes a hold of her hand and kisses the Cartier ring gracing her finger, which causes her eyes to roll at his giggle.

It's when he says nothing anymore she really takes in her surrounding. With her head resting on his shoulder, the almost broken heater is starting to take a toll on the chill that's seeping into her cashmere sweater, but strangely, she feels warm.

It may be the sleeping Chiyo and the remaining 4 children in the room that are distracted by their toys and their smiles, or it may be the little Christmas light that twinkles ever so beautifully, or the little specks of snow that decorates the window in such ethereal order.

But she's pretty sure it's the person next to her, when she catches him stealing loving glances at her when she thought his gaze is somewhere else. Souma- he never ceases to bring that blush back to her cheek like it's the first time.

"I-Is something wrong?" She finally asks, lifting her face from his shoulder.

"Nah it's just uh-" He pauses, seemingly having a debate with himself, "I planned to give you your gift tomorrow morning, but here ya go."

Erina receives the small, neatly wrapped package. It's bendable- almost foldable, and it gets her thinking if this thing was on her wishlist she gave him a while ago.

"What is this, Yukihira-kun?"

"Open 'em." He says.

So she tears the paper slowly, trying not to wake Chiyo up in the process. When it's finally free, her mouth hangs open because of what she's holding gently in her hands, and the dots have finally connected on why she hasn't seen this white cloth on him for a few days.

"Y-Yukihira, you cannot give this to me…"

Yes- Yukihira Souma has given her his signature headband. And words cannot describe how she can even cope with the idea.

"Why?" He asks.

"B-Because this means too much to you. I-I mean this once belonged to your mother and I just can't easily-"

"Sure you can, and I want you to have it." He reaches out and rests his hand on hers, and then he offers her one of those looks on his face everytime he talks about his mother. "I'm sure mom would've wanted you to too."

She stares at it again, still mesmerized by the softness and the stories behind it. Even just thinking about it, and now that Souma has given her the only thing he holds onto him closer than life itself, fills her eyes with tears.

"Y'know you don't have to put it on ya the whole time like I did, eh?" He reminds her.

Erina knows he means it since he used to carry it literally everywhere, so it only feels natural when her heart tells her to tie the cloth around her head and tuck the bow under her long, honey blonde hair, just like what she's doing now.

And it feels… fulfilling.

"Is this looking alright for everyday look?"

He eyes the top of her head, trailing down to her chin, then giving her that sheepish smile she cherishes. She knows he didn't expect her reaction with that slight redness on his cheek.

Oh, if only he knew this won't be the last time she'd left him speechless. Why she was missing for a good 30 minutes during their toy shopping trip, or the fact that a sky blue box is already waiting for him on his side of the bed.

And that little baby onesie inside it will be the only thing that speaks to him.

"Merry Christmas, Erina."

"Merry Christmas too, Souma."

A/N: A big thank you to everyone who’s been supporting Akai Ito and this series! You know who y’all are and I love you!

[booksandtea]

VAIDEO GAME HAUL | Making the most of the sales. So I had been wanting to post an end of year Video Game haul since early January but whener I came work on it I suddenly found I had very little energy for it. Now here I am with a broken wrist and more than enough time so lets go!

All games and gaming consoles mentioned within were purchased with my own money or given to me as gifts from friends or family. This post is not sponsored in anyway.

T H E  H A U L

I’ll start with the games I purchased myself due to the Christmas Steam Sales because hello to finally making things a little more affordable!

First up were the two bundles, or almost bundles, I purchased. Dishonored 2 and Prey were bundled together making it roughly £8 for each game (they usually retail at £29.99 and £19.99) and with these both being highly anticipated games I simply couldn’t pass up the chance to own them. Shelter and Shelter 2 could also be purchased as a bundle however this was more expensive than buying them seperately so it’s a good job I checked – ended up only paying £3.58 for them!

Of those 4 I’ve only played the first chapter of Shelter which was super cute as you play as a badger mom trying to keep her cubs safe whilst getting to a new location and making sure they get enough food on the way. However, my boyfriend didn’t think it sounded cute as I kept celebrating killing other smaller creatures to give to my babies!

Night in the Woods (£8.99) and Sunless Sea (£4.75) were the last two games I picked up during the sale and I think both were pretty good bargains too. Whilst I’m desperate to start NITW I think I’ll have to wait till I’m in less pain to enjoy it. I did get to play a little bit of Sunless Sea though and I’m very impressed with it though can definitely see it being a game I’ll enjoy more the more time I sink into it, lol. Sink cause I keep sinking my bloody ships as I’m still learning the best way to make progress.

Okay so this next list of games I bought too however they weren;t from the sales, these were all a part of the YOGSCAST Jingle Jam through Humble Bundle that they host every December. It’s a huge bundle of games and 100% of the money raised goes to charities, you can choose to split it equally between all those involved, give it all to a select few, or even write in your own charity too!

This is my second year purchasing the Jingle Jam bundle so I know that the chances of me bing interested in all 70~ games is very unlikely. This year to help me not be overwhelmed and ignore them all I only redeemed the games that looked like something I’d play from a quick glance at their visuals, game play, and genre.

These 21 games are what I redeemed but I’ve yet to install and try them out. I cant complain though cause hooray for money to charity!

I also took part in a Digital Secret Santa exchange with a small group of friends and my Santa was very lovely and sent me Heaven Will Be Mine which I spoke about wanting on one of my later Steam Wishlist Clean Ups.

The lovely Tecsiederp and her fiancee also gifted me Yonder (SWCU) and Oxenfree (SWCU) as part of my Christmas present! I haven’t tried either of them out yet but again both were recommended by Tecsie and that made me write about how I was interested in them haha.

A work colleague sent me Vampyr as a thank you (see also: bribe) for covering a shift they couldn’t cover! 

The very last game I hauled was a very large bundle and present from my boyfriend. It’s my favourite of the lot and the main reason I haven’t played (m)any computer games. He got me the freaking Pokemon Switch with Lets Go! Eevee and the pokeball plus! What an absolutely wonderful being.

That brings us up to date with my recently gathered video games and a lil first impression of those I’ve got to play.

Have you played any of these games? Do any of them appeal to you?

If you enjoyed this post consider supporting Northern Plunder Ko-fi | Twitter | Book Club | Blogs & Tea | RedBubble

Video Game Haul | Enjoying the Steam Sales VAIDEO GAME HAUL | Making the most of the sales. So I had been wanting to post an end of year Video Game haul since early January but whener I came work on it I suddenly found I had very little energy for it.

[purplesurveys]

1061

(made by: tickle-my-pickle)

1. Do you typically say “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas”? It was Merry Christmas for the longest time simply because everyone around me greeted that way, but in my workplace I’ve taken to using Happy Holidays in consideration of people who may have different beliefs or don’t even celebrate Christmas.

2. Do you make or serve anything with cranberries around this holiday season? No, not an Asian thing. Cranberries aren’t a Filipino/Asian thing in general. Our usual Christmas fare includes ham, queso de bola, lechon, usually some kind of noodles or pasta like baked macaroni, pancit, or Filipino-style spaghetti, leche flan, and bibingka.

3. Do you collect pine cones, or have you in the past as a child? What have you made out of them/what did you do with them? I don’t think we have those here, so no.

4. Have you/your family ever roasted chestnuts as a holiday treat before? No, not a tradition here as well. I’ve never seen nuts served in any Christmas parties or dinners I’ve been to.

5. Are red and green the colors that you typically associate with Christmas the most, or is there another color that you have in mind? What is it? Yeah, generally it’s those two. I also see gold and white as Christmas colors and they’re usually able to make Christmas decorations look a tad bit sophisticated, but obviously red and green are the ones that stand out the most.

6. What’s the worst Christmas gift that you’ve ever gotten before, and what made it the worst? I’ve never gotten a present that I honestly disliked, and I don’t know if I have that in me. I’m always appreciative of gifts since being given one automatically means I was thought of, and to me that’s enough.

7. Do you give your spare change to the mall Santas? We don’t have mall Santas here; but I’m not so sure that’s a responsible thing to do overall now that we’re living in Covid-infested times. But yeah, I’ve definitely been more generous with tips when it comes to restaurant workers, delivery drivers, baristas, etc. that I’ve come across during the holidays this year.

8. Do you get to open up any presents on Christmas Eve? Yes, that’s usually the tradition in most families. I heard people in the US usually open their gifts on Christmas morning, but that’s pretty rare here. What we do is have a big Christmas Eve dinner that we call noche buena, and most families will go to an evening mass then wait until midnight to start opening gifts. I didn’t have a lot of pricey stuff on my wishlist this year, so my parents got me lots of inexpensive things instead.

9. Do you believe in the saying that “good things come in small packages”? It holds some truth to it, I suppose. I didn’t need a new laptop or a new car; and I was especially grateful to just have been alive and genuinely happy with myself last Christmas. 

10. Do your family members wrap your gifts, or were they just sitting there under the tree? How about when your parents were kids? I’ve never heard of a family that leaves gifts under the tree for everyone to see hahahaha, but that’s an interesting situation. My family has always wrapped our presents for each other.

11. Do you know anyone who has a birthday on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Have you ever gotten a gift that was meant for both your birthday as well as Christmas, either because it was expensive or because the two holidays are close together? One of my aunts celebrates her birthday on December 23rd. This year I only got her a Christmas gift, but I believe my mom gave her two gifts for each occasion.

12. Are you someone who needs to work on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, or are you able to have those days off to spend time with your loved ones? We have had an office shutdown from December 19th and we go back to work on January 4th, so on that front I’m pretty fortunate when it comes to my employer. We do keep our lines open just in case any client needs anything urgent, but all of them have been gracious enough to keep their distance save for one pain in the asshole of a client. To be fair, they’ve been a pain in the asshole the day they recuited us to be their PR handlers, so we already knew to expect still busting our ass for them despite our constant heads-ups about our shutdown.

13. Have you ever gone on any sort of Christmas-themed scavenger hunt before? How about played Christmas-themed bingo? No, I don’t believe we ever did that. I’d love to throw a scavenger hunt for my future kids, though.

14. Is Christmas your favorite holiday? If so, why? If not - then which holiday is your favorite instead? I’m neutral about Christmas. My favorite is Halloween, though it’s not really strictly a holiday per se. I simply enjoy all the horror movie references that come up, the Halloween-themed treats at places like Krispy Kreme, the Halloween costumes people come up with, etc.

15. When was the last time you sat down and made an actual Christmas gift? How often do people ask you what you want for Christmas and you’re unable to think of anything concrete until after the holidays have passed? One of my gifts for Gab is an embroidery piece I made, but I have yet to give it. I don’t plan on seeing her soon though because I’ve been happier these days, and I don’t want to risk that happiness by being reminded of her. 

As for my wishlist, I typically don’t have difficulty thinking of things. When I’m asked, I just say simple stuff like socks or sticky notes or certain candies I’ve been craving so that it would never be too much of a blow on people’s wallets.

16. Do you watch “Kickoff to Christmas” or “Countdown to Christmas” movie specials on the FreeForm channel? When do you start counting down the days until Christmas? I have no clue what any of these are.

17. Does it ever deeply concern you to know that Santa knows when you’re sleeping, and he knows when you’re awake? When I think hard about it it does begin to sound unsettling. But eh, it’s a fun Christmas song anyway.

18. What would you do if your grandma got run over by a reindeer? Check up on my grandma and make sure she didn’t get any injuries? Idk. I suppose the reindeer just got spooked so I wouldn’t put the blame entirely on them.

19. What’s the most unusual thing that you’ve ever wanted for Christmas? (like two front teeth or a hippopotamus, perhaps) I don’t think I ever requested for anything bizarre. I’ve bled practicality the moment I was born, loooool

20. Do you donate toys to your local toy drive, or offer food for Christmas meals during this time? We don’t have any toys at home anymore so we’re not in the place to do that. I’ve always wanted to share food with people who continue to be on duty on Christmas Eve and Christmas like security guards and sweepers, and I plan on doing so when I can finally afford to.

[buttclothes]

christmas progress report

starting to feel behind on cookies; made and froze sugar cookies & thumbprints

today mixing & scooping chocolate chip then baking off a few to deliver a lil cookie box to my aunt as a thanks for our wreath, also hopefully making rugelach

tomorrow macarons!!!! husband not wfh so I should actually be able to pull them off

saving gingerbread speculaas and millionaire bars for next week because my lil freezer can only hold so much

today need to figure out a lil gift for my bff and my best mom friend’s baby (well I already decided a frisbee because lol) that I can pick up from target; aside from those all my holiday shopping has been small/local businesses!

very especially proud of not using amazon except to make wishlists for people wanting to buy for the baby

haven’t wrapped shit lol but did send off my three packages and christmas cards

but what do I want for christmas??? my house to be cleaned by someone who isn’t me and a date night with my husband, two things I will not get lol. just realized the only time we have been together and not responsible for the baby was when his car had a flat and my mom came over to listen to the monitor while I picked him up from work and I spent the whole time being annoyed about something dumb lol

also I myself have not been alone in our house except for ONE TIME since the baby has been born?!!? he is 15 months today :/ a lot of that is due to rona

really want to do a big closet purge and get rid of things that don’t fit/are in bad shape or I don’t love anymore, will wait until after the new year tho

[meditatemoremedicateless]

Dear Kate, (I couldn’t get her out of My mind)

Fandom: Life is Strange

Pairings: Chasemarsh, ambermarsh

Major tags: fluff, angst, possession

Words: ~ 6,800

Summary: Kate has a horrendous Thanksgiving with her family, interrupted by some nice pictures from Victoria’s bathroom. She runs into Chloe Price and Rose Amber and joins them for a smoke.

Read the full story on AO3

Dear Kate,

Happy Thanksgiving! I can't be totally sure you're going to be the one to wake up, but I'm praying you will be LOL! I've been reading and re-reading your notes on the fam so I can say the right stuff. For instance, I won't call out Aunt Martha for being a raging homophobe, I WILL ask Lynn about soccer, etc. I'm gonna kill it. I'm great with parents! Probably.

I had our study date with Stella, and everything went fine. I said I'd try and be careful with the addys and it was just a bad week and she relaxed. I think maybe the reason she was avoiding you was because she was dealing, and she'd feel judged if you found out? She didn't really say but those are the vibes I got from her.

I got an 'A' on the Brothers K essay! I left it on the desk so you could read it if you'd like, maybe throw some of my clever points out in class when you get back ;) No need to thank me. Unless you want to, in which case you can buy me something off my wishlist on Amazon.

Speaking of which, I was thinking we could do some sort of gift exchange before we head home for Christmas. Dana wants to do a secret santa and I signed us up, I hope that's okay. But I'd also like to get you some stuff. Can you think of any way we could buy each other gifts without the other knowing about it? I'm thinking I'll just literally bring gift bags with me when I go shopping so you don't have a chance to wake up before I get them wrapped lol. Lastly, I wanted to buy some of the girls in the dorm HP scarves. I'm thinking Alyssa - Ravenclaw, Stella - Slytherin, Max - Hufflepuff/Gryffindor, Dana - Hufflepuff, Juliet - Ravenclaw, Taylor - Slytherin, Courtney - Slytherin/Ravenclaw? Honestly I don't know them that well and I literally have no idea how long it's been since I've read HP so I might be off-base.

@your story about Vic and the porn: THAT IS AMAZING HOLY SHIT. Like I'm sorry I woke her up (I was a little wacked out that week, my bad lol) but that's so funny. I can't believe she worked up the guts to yell at you. I think I'd strangle me for waking me up that early if I was her.

I know this is a little dark but I wish I could spend Thanksgiving with my family. Or, at least, I wish I knew if I'd like them enough to spend it with them. Your family seems great but the holidays seem depressing AF honestly. I really hope it's you tomorrow, not me. I'm probably going to cry or some shit if that happens. I wonder what I'll even do if I get to meet them.

Last thing: I've discovered that I'm actually pretty good at singing?? which I did not expect. You never told me! So I jammed out with Max a little and it was really cool and fun and she brought up the possibility of doing covers on Youtube. It would probably be at least a kind of ongoing thing so . . . do you think you'd be up for it? I know things are a little weird between you two rn, and I don't know if you sing, so I thought I'd ask.

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family.

X O X O ~ Katie

Kate let herself have a smile. It was so much less frightening to wake up with time lost as long as one of these notes was there.

Thanksgiving with the Marsh family this year was at Aunt Martha's, like it is most years, even though it's much smaller than what Kate's family had. Mobility was a pretty continual issue for her, so she stayed home unless she absolutely had to, and Kate's mom did the best she could to make sure she wouldn't have to. Aunt Martha was a miserable middle-aged woman whose husband had died too young while her bones withered away from tumors that, by most estimations, should have killed her. She was exactly the sort of person that Kate had been taught to sympathize with, to help selflessly. But, try as she might, Kate hated her, hated that suffering had made her so insufferable, and hated that there was absolutely nothing Kate could do that she thought was of any value.

As Kate sat in the living room on a couch across from Aunt Martha's chair, she wondered what Martha would have to say if she knew Kate had sex with women, or that there was the spirit of a dead girl that made her do evil things living inside her. If wanting to be a children's author and a vegan was too much disappointment for her, what would that do to her poor, fragile heart? Maybe it would be too much for her, and Kate would never have to spend another holiday in this musty house.

Kate had been having more trouble keeping her misanthropic thoughts out of her head since she'd been putting herself together. That, apparently, was the price of letting yourself fall apart. Or abusing drugs, it wasn't totally clear which.

"So, Katie, tell me how school's going. You're a senior, aren't'cha?"

Kate nodded. It was the same few questions every year.

"Where are you applying to college?"

Kate sighed. "I'm not. Blackwell has a two-year program for seniors, and I'm taking college credit there."

"Oh, I see." She paused, but Kate could already feel the next question coming. Aunt Martha didn't disappoint: "But why stay there when you could go to a real college?"

Kate bit back the sarcasm that wanted to rise inside her. "Because most universities don't have a career-oriented program for English majors, nevermind for people who want to do what I want to do."

"Mm, right," Aunt Martha replied, nodding her head as she remembered. "Children's books, right? It hardly seems like you need a college degree forthat. Or . . . is that the point?"

God, not this again. Why did Kate's family think that her desire to go to university was some cloaked attempt to be unsupervised around boys? When had she ever needed supervision to stay away from boys? Kate's eyes narrowed; "I'm not planning on finding a husband in college, if that's what you mean," she said.

This was always a sore subject between them, because that is precisely what Aunt Martha had done, and what Kate's own parents had done. Her insistence that she wouldn't do the same at least only came off as stubbornly independent to her mom, but to Aunt Martha, it was like it was an insult, like Kate thought she was better than her because she needed a man less.

Aunt Martha seemed to sense the tension, and she laughed. "No, of course not. I suspect we'll be waiting a while before we find a man who can keep up with you. I can't imagine an English department will have many boys ready to ask a girl like you out."

Kate bunched up her skirt in her fists, her leg bouncing up and down as a vent for her irritation. She wished Mom and Dad would call her in to help with Thanksgiving dinner, but the kitchen was small and Kate was, honestly, a terrible cook, so they never did now that she was old enough to only be called on when she was needed.

Aunt Martha was always like this. She didn't insist, like Mom did, that Kate had been taken in by the hairy feminists who insisted on women doing everything men can do to make themselves feel better for being unable to have a happy family. No, Aunt Martha had almost always seemed to recognize that there would never be a point where Kate would agree with her vision of a good life. She just thought Kate was tragically stupid. That Kate thought the world could give her something that a good family couldn't find by the grace of God. She thought Kate was materialistic, naive, and most of all, unwanted. And Kate couldn't help but hate her for it.

"So, sweetie, how is the abstinence club going?"

Kate choked on a bite of shepard's pie, the only thing she could really eat on the table because she'd made it herself. It took a few seconds of hitting her chest with her hand before she felt like she could safely breathe again, and everyone looked at her with concern.

Kate shook her head to regain her bearings. "Um. Yeah, it's doing really good. There's not a lot of people in it, but it's very supportive. We have movie nights in the dorms and watch documentaries. It's good."

Dad looked from his food, concern clearly written on his face. "Are kids still giving you trouble about it? I know you said there were some girls being mean about it."

"Aha. Yeah," Kate said, nervously brushing some loose strands of hair behind her ear. "I think they got bored. Bullies, you know, they just like to get a rise out of you, so." Kate returned to trying to eat her food.

Kate hated talking about bullying, but she hated it twice as much with Lynn and Katrina listening. She always wanted them to believe that people were kind to Kate, and that she was kind to them. She wanted them to think that being kind would pay off. Not everyone was ready to accept that people are cruel, and you can't make them stop with kindness. Certainly not at their age. She also seriously didn't want to talk about the abstinence club, because if she let it slip that the membership was half Muslim and that the facilitator (Kate) wasn't even abstinent, this Thanksgiving dinner would completely implode.

Kate decided to take things into her own hands and change the conversation. "Lynn! How's soccer been?"

Lynn shrugged. "It's okay. It's not as fun anymore since we started being ranked, though."

Aunt Martha seemed amused. "You still get trophies for playing, though, don't you?"

Lynn seemed both taken aback and confused. She couldn't understand why the question was loaded - it's not like she watched the news or spent much time on the internet.

So, Kate interjected on her behalf, "I get that. I don't like competing, either, it kind of spoils the fun."

Lynn nodded, but Aunt Martha just raised her eyebrows. At the very least, she didn't say anything in response, just returned to her food.

Kate's phone buzzed. It would be rude to check it during dinner . . . but she just really didn't want to focus on dinner right now.

Victoria: Does your Thanksgiving suck as much as mine rn?

Kate smirked, settling her phone on her leg. She was careful with a touch screen - she didn't need to look to type, especially thanks to auto-correct.

Kate: more. Kate: my dad just asked about the abstinence club

"Kat?" Kate asked. Her sister gave her a glance. "How's robotics?"

"I quit."

Now that was something shocking. And disheartening. "But you love robotics," she replied.

Katrina seemed to think it over for a second, then shrugged slowly. Kate knew, of course, that Mom had always hated that Kat was so involved with robotics - it kept her out of the house for hours after school, and competitions often took her away for weekends and demanded even more hours away from home from her. Just like Kate had thrown herself at service projects and youth programs to stay out of the house, Katrina had been well on her way to becoming a professional right out of high school thanks to years on the Robotics team. Kat didn't really want to make a career out of it, though, and Mom had never understood putting so much time into developing skills you weren't going to use. If she knew her kids were doing it to stay away from her, she was just spiteful about it.

Victoria: wow Victoria: My family's just getting hammered because they can't stand talking to each other Victoria: You win though

Kate: thanks i know Kate: also they asked if you were bullying me still

Mom was the next one to speak up. "Oh, Katie. Maria Anderson sent me a copy of your school newspaper. You didn't tell us you had won a photography competition, sweetie. In LA, that's so exciting!"

"Oh. Yeah. I guess I just forgot, I'm sorry. I've been really busy with school this semester." And the competition was in San Francisco.

Now Dad chimed in. "Have you been getting more involved with photography? I know you were unsure about it when you signed up."

Kate thought about it for a second, then nodded. She took a bite of shepard's pie, and the conversation halted, waiting for a better reply. "Yeah, actually. I'm the photography professor's student aide, and one of my friends is actually going there just to study photography."

Mom seemed intrigued. "Oh? The fashion photography celebrity from the pamphlet?"

Kate nodded affirmative.

"Well, that's exciting!"

Kate shrugged. "I guess. He's kind of self-important in real life, though."

Dad snorted. Then he said, "Well, I guess once you get famous, it's easy to get like that."

"I guess."

Victoria: Oh? bullying you? Victoria: What did you tell them?

Kate: i mean you were totally bullying me Kate: i just said everyone got bored bullying me because you can't get a rise out of me

Victoria: roflmao

It was several minutes before Kate got the next message from Victoria

Victoria: You're right. I should probably make it up to you. Victoria: So you're still at the dinner table, right? Now would be a horrible time to get caught doing something terribly un-Christian?

Kate: i mean, yeah?????

Victoria: You probably shouldn't open up your messages again for a while, then.

Kate had absolutely no idea what that meant. Or did she know what it meant, just not believe it could possibly be happening? Even when her phone buzzed again, she thought the idea was so ridiculous, she must be getting ahead of herself and-

Nope.

Victoria had sent her a picture without a shirt on, leaning against the door of what appeared to be a pristine bathroom. Her skirt was pulled down just enough to expose her underwear, which was pink and it matched her bra and-

Kate dropped her phone. It startled her a lot worse than everyone, but it startled everyone.

"Oh, sorry," she said, retrieving her phone from the floor.

"Katie, put your phone away at the dinner table," her mother admonished.

There was a second photo now. Now it was a selfie instead of a mirror photo, with Victoria sitting on the counter beside the sink. Her skirt was pulled all the way down to her ankles now, and the angle somehow managed to get her eyes and collar bone and breasts in good lighting. Victoria really knew how to use a phone camera.

"Mhm," Kate said, slipping her phone in her pocket.

She could barely eat after that, and she dropped her fork several times.

Kate decided to go for a walk after dinner, which she had done nearly every Thanksgiving in the past years, though not previously to text girls sending her bathroom selfies.

Kate: WTF!! Kate: I was with my family!

Victoria: I invited you not to look.

Kate: You call THAT inviting me not to look?

Victoria: You're the one who looked.

Kate: That's gross logic. Victim blaming.

Victoria: Oh? So you didn't like them?

Kate's jaw felt rigid for some reason, like she was holding back a scream. She was walking awfully fast down the sidewalk, making her way towards the wealthier part of the suburbs.

Kate: That is not the conversation we're having. Kate: No bathroom selfies without warning. Illegal!

Victoria: But . . . bathroom selfies are okay, then?

Kate decided to reply to that question with another question: a random handful of emojis followed by a question mark emoji.

Victoria: God you're such a lesbian

Kate felt a tingle run down her spine just reading the word. She'd always felt like her liking women and her being a lesbian were two totally different ideas. She couldn't help the first one. But the second one always felt like she had to do something, be someone she wasn't to earn it. She believed she had soundly rejected the life 'lesbian' implied to her. But now, here she was. A lesbian after all.

Kate: You know you're the first person to call me that without meaning to be mean.

Victoria: Yeah, I'm not a tool.

Kate could tell she was in the richer part of the suburbs now by how much better-lit the streets were. The roads looked recently paved, the lawns recently trimmed. It was the sort of upkeep you could only really afford if you had someone else do it for you.

Kate: Hey so I have a weird favor to ask

Victoria: Need me to slash someone's tires?

Kate: No? Kate: Why? Is that a thing people really do? Kate: Could you get me a vibrator?

Victoria: That's literally not weird at all, one Victoria: Two, this implies that you were making those godforsaken noises thanks to your HAND? Victoria: I'll get you a vibrator AND a gag

Kate: Hey, you know, I actually feel really weird about all of this. LIke, all of it. Like what is going on right now. Like how did we have sex? And how are you flirting with me right now? None of this makes any sense.

Victoria: you're telling me Victoria: I'd like to say I'm not questioning it, but I'm not actually the sort of girl who can not question anything, lol Victoria: But if I remember correctly, you had a nervous breakdown and then seduced me? Victoria: And I'm honestly surprised you can even recognize flirting Victoria: What with you being a founding member of the school's abstinence club

Kate: I guess I'm just totally losing my sense of identity and replacing it with lesbianism

Victoria: yikes Victoria: but also nice - solid improvement Victoria: no offense

Kate laughed. That was right, wasn't it? If Kate was still who she had been at the start of the month, Victoria wouldn't be flirting with her and sending her sexy pictures during Thanksgiving dinner. If Kate was still who she had been at the start of summer, someone who never would have kissed Victoria just to mess with her, then Victoria would still be mocking her, defacing her club posters right in front of her, just shitting on her at every turn. The only reason Victoria was treating her nicely was because she changed. The Kate that Kate still thought of as herself, the version of her that she was just on vacation from and would be again one day, she would never be in this situation. Victoria didn't like Kate. She liked whatever mangled version of her this was.

Kate: None taken. Kate: You're not exactly regular-me's type, anyway

Victoria: Wow, savage much? Victoria: You don't think I'm cute?

Kate: Oh you are Kate: I just like nice people

Victoria: haha! Victoria: That's fair Victoria: So who do you like? You know, normally.

Kate: I feel like you seriously do not comprehend the Christian + Lesbian experience

Victoria: Try me.

God. Was she seriously going to talk to Victoria about this? Of all people? Then again, who else did she have? Katie? How would Katie possibly understand? She'd never been interested in Kate's chastity vows. She would have broken them if Kate hadn't first. The way she always talked about which girls were cute and who Kate should date with absolutely no regard for how much it hurt her? Katie was just a fundamentally different person. Restraint just wasn't written into her personality.

Kate: OK fine Kate: I literally monitor myself to make sure I don't develop feelings for anyone Kate: Because there is no version of that that isn't a disaster. Kate: Step one, like a person. Based on my inclinations, probably a girl. Oops. Put on the brakes. Kate: Step two, date a person. I took vows. And I took them knowing it wasn't going to be easy. I don't think I could ever be close enough with someone to call it dating and not be tempted. Oops. Put on the brakes. Kate: Step three. Fall in love. But I'm not going to be sticking around here. I'm going to go off to college and I don't really plan on coming back. Fall for someone in college? We just break up or get married and those are samely awful because marriage is a sham that helps reinforce white supremacy in America and marriage is only going to distract me from getting through my education. And hey, getting dumped sounds pretty bad, too. Oops. Put on the brakes. Kate: So I don't "like" anyone normally. It can't be anything but a train wreck.

Victoria never seemed to start a message and not finish it within seconds. She was sure of what she wanted to say before she even tried to say it. You can see indecision in those little "..." that pop up on your phone, and Victoria's lasted longer than Kate expected.

Victoria: ... but you like me?

Dammit. Kate had said that, hadn't she? For Katie's sake. So Katie wouldn't be lonely. Of course. That's really why this was all happening, wasn't it? Because Kate told a little white lie in hopes of helping someone?

Kate: For now.

It was curt. It was mean, and honestly, probably a little degrading. But Kate sent it anyway. Victoria was quick to respond.

Victoria: I can live with that. But I have to tell you, I think your brakes might be broken.

That's not all that's broken. The thought made Kate smile, but it also hurt like a hole had been made in her lung.

Kate wished she could explain her situation. She wished she could explain that she never meant to take Adderall, she never meant to kiss Victoria, she never meant to do anything but keep living her closed-off, secure, closeted life, but that the choice had been taken from her. She wished she could explain that she only let the thought of having sex with Victoria be anything more than the most passing, unwelcome fantasy because she wanted to get back at an invader in her own body. She wished she could be cruel and tell Victoria that she wasn't as special as she must think she is, because absolutely none of this was about her. She was just the girl around when any would have done (any girl she didn't fear falling in love with, at least). Victoria thought she'd taken advantage of Kate - she even apologized for it the next day. The thought hadn't even seemed to occur to her that she was the one being taken advantage of.

But, in the end, Kate had to admit she was having fun.

Kate: Send me another photo.

Victoria didn't text back. Kate was fairly convinced that was because she was listening, and here in a few minutes she'd have a new picture of Victoria to titillate her for absolutely no reason other than she wanted it. Victoria, as bossy as she was, liked being told what to do. Kate had never felt the impulse to obey. She wondered how easy it would have been for her to keep living her life as planned if she didn't have to struggle every step of the way against herself. If only obedience was as easy for her as it was for Victoria.

Out of the corner of her eye, Kate saw something that had haunted her dreams. Something that had always seemed far away, ephemeral, not really part of the same world that Kate lived in, sort of like Katie. No matter how much she'd seen it, she never really thought of it as something real.

The girl with the blue hair stood on the porch of one of the nicest houses on the street beside a short, black-haired woman. They each had a cigarette in their mouths, chatting amicably after a Thanksgiving dinner. Chloe Price: The girl of Kate Marsh's dreams. How strange it was that they'd never talked.

Finally, Chloe caught Kate standing there next to the driveway, looking at her with wide eyes of wonder and, frankly, fear.

"Yo!" she called. "Is that Kate Marsh?"

Kate just blinked. Of course. Of course they had met, and Kate just didn't remember. "Chloe Price?" she called, knowing full well the answer.

"Sup?! Wanna bum another cigarette?"

Another cigarette? Looks like that was another thing Kate didn't know she'd been doing. "Sure," she replied, and walked up the unfamiliar driveway to stand on the porch with Chloe and the unfamiliar woman.

"Hi, I'm Kate," she said, offering a hand to the Unfamiliar Woman.

"Rose," the woman replied as she shook Kate's hand, a wry smile on her face. "A friend of yours I take it, Chloe?" Rose asked before taking another drag from her cigarette. Kate absolutely hated the smoke from cigarettes. She was resolved to put it in her lungs.

Chloe nodded with a smile. "You can take it all the way to the bank. Kate here is an art student at Blackwell and co-friend to one Max Caulfield. She plays the violin beautifully and assists Mark Jefferson, fashion photographer and total hottie, as his class aide."

Kate had absolutely no idea how Chloe could possibly know all this stuff about her when all Kate knew about Chloe was that she ate at the Two Whales diner sometimes, and she didn't exactly have definitive proof of that, either.

"Well, Chloe, that's quite an impressive introduction-"

"-Thank you Mrs. Amber-"

"- But maybe Kate should get to talk about herself instead? And maybe you should light her cigarette, as she clearly doesn't have a light."

"My bad."

Kate held the cigarette in her mouth, bracing herself for what was to come. Chloe lit the cigarette and Kate inhaled and it felt like death and Kate immediately began to choke and cough.

Chloe pointed at Kate with her cigarette between her fingers. "You see, she keeps telling me she's a smoker, but I think she's just flirting with me."

Here Kate was, having one of the worst cardiovascular experiences of her life, and there Chloe was, making jokes at her expense like they were close friends. What in the actual goddamn?

"Are you alright, hun?" Rose asked as Kate managed to finally get a lungful of clean air. She nodded, not really aiming to talk so soon after embarrassing herself.

"Well, then, I hear-" she gave a pointed stare at Chloe, who just smirked before putting the cigarette back in her mouth, "- that you've taken over my daughter's TA position. How is that going for you?"

Wait, what?

"Rose . . . Amber," Kate mumbled, fitting the pieces together. Her eyes flicked up to Rose's face, wide with shock. "You're Rachel's mom."

Rose nodded. "That I am. Or I was, when she was still interested in having a mother." There was clear frustration in her face as she said it, but it cleared up a moment later. She shot Kate an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't say things like that in front of a stranger."

Chloe waved it off. "Nah, don't worry about it. She's heard me say worse. Katie here has been helping Max and me with some . . . extracurricular activities lately."

"I . . . have?" Kate asked. But Chloe said it without hesitation, she couldn't just be making it up, could she? "I mean, I have been, yeah," she corrected.

Rose conceded the point but still said, "Forgive me, Kate. It's our first big holiday without Rachel home and I'm . . . being bitter."

Chloe cracked a smile, snapping a finger gun at Rose. "And a little drunk!"

Rose rolled her eyes. "Yes, all right, and a little drunk. But mostly bitter."

"I'm . . . sorry, that must be so hard for you."

Kate suddenly felt stripped bare, exposed in an unusual way. She felt ashamed for the petty ways she'd been acting the past few days. There were people outside of her life, outside of her head who were having real problems, real concerns, and they still seemed to hold it together. Somewhere in the past few weeks of struggling against herself and abandoning all responsibility, the missing persons posters that littered her school had all become invisible, and she had forgotten that she missed Rachel, that she should care that Rachel was gone. Some people, though, didn't have the luxury of forgetting just because other things were going on.

"Yes . . . yes I suppose it is," Rose said, a faraway look in her eye as the embers of her cigarette glowed bright. She extinguished her cigarette on an ash tray left out on the deck railing and sighed. "I think some part of me thought she'd come home for the holidays. That she didn't . . . I don't know what it means."

The implication, though, hung in the air between them, a miasma worse than the cigarette smoke. Kate and Chloe both took a drag from their cigarettes to try and distract themselves from the thought of Rachel dead and buried somewhere, though the lack of oxygen and ensuing coughing fit did a much better job at distracting Kate than the nicotine.

After a moment, Rose said, "Well, I'm going to head inside. The Chardonnay isn't going to drink itself, I'm afraid." As she turned towards the door, she clapped a hand on Chloe's shoulder. "Just come in when you're ready."

Chloe nodded with a good-natured smile, and then Rose went inside.

Kate raised her cigarette again, but hesitated before it reached her mouth. Chloe laughed, and Kate tilted her head in confusion. "You don't have to smoke it, dude. Like in all seriousness, you should quit while you're ahead."

Kate pulled the cigarette away from her mouth and stared at it for a second. She considered smoking it just to be obstinate, but, honestly, the shtick was getting old for her. There were parts of 'no responsibilities' that she liked, but smoking was not one of them.

"Yeah, you're right." Kate extinguished her cigarette and leaned on the railing opposite of where Chloe stood.

"So, Chloe Price," Kate started, folding her hands in front of her. "You seem to know a lot about me. What's there to know about you?"

Chloe looked pleased at the prospect of talking about herself, and held her cigarette at her side once she'd finished what looked like the last of it. She blew up, trying to keep it out of Kate's face.

"Well, Katie, I'm nineteen years old, a natural blonde, my favorite color is blue and I like long, romantic walks on the beach. Oh, and I'm chainsmoking outside of my best friend's house to distract myself from the most depressing Thanksgiving I've ever had, and let me tell you, I've had some bad ones."

As much as Kate might like to ask about that, there was something far more interesting to her: "So, you and Rachel were close?"

Chloe quirked her eyebrows. "Was it the hundred or so missing persons posters or the breaking into your principal's office? Thanks, by the way."

Kate blinked. "For what?"

Now it was Chloe's turn to look confused. "For the . . . key to Wells's office? Max and I couldn't have done it without you, seriously."

I helped them break into Wells office? Katie, what are you getting yourself into here? Chloe doesn't know that you don't know what happened. Just stay cool and be vague.

"Oh, right, totally. Did you find what you were looking for?"

Chloe shrugged, tilting her hand back and forth to answer, 'eh.' "Kinda," she said. "Figured out that Nathan's a psycho, not that was news to anyone. Couldn't find Rachel's file though, which was shady as fuck considering they still had mine, but it didn't exactly leave us a lot to go on."

"Hmm. That's too bad."

Chloe nodded, then finally reached over to drop her cigarette butt on the ash tray. "We'll keep you posted. Anyway, how was your Thanksgiving?"

"Uhhh," Kate had no idea. It was a disaster, like it always was, but that wasn't really what stuck out in her mind. "It was . . . bad."

"How so?"

Chloe was not part of Kate's life. She was friends with Max, who Kate was friends with, so their spheres were not entirely divorced. But, obviously, Chloe was trusting Kate with something important, even if she had no idea what it was. Despite her rational inhibition, Kate got the feeling that Chloe was somebody that she could trust. And also probably a lesbian, judging from the rainbow shirt she wore in her profile picture on Facebook. Maybe this was the closest Kate would have to somebody she could tell about her fucked up situation.

"Well. For one, my parents asked about my abstinence club."

"Oh yeah, Max mentioned that you were in that. Why's that bad?"

Kate crossed her arms over her chest. "You promise not to tell Max?"

"Uh, yeah, sure . . ." Chloe looked both concerned and also overwhelmingly curious. "Why?"

"Well, I had sex last week."

Chloe said absolutely nothing at first. Her expression changed very slowly from concern to confusion to shock to understanding.

"Yeah, that seems like that'd be a weird conversation, then. Especially if - wait. Like, your first time?"

Kate nodded.

Chloe held her hand up in the air, "Eyyy, nice one!" She didn't drop it when Kate only stared at her hand, but after a second she seemed to realize the issue. "May-be? Are you happy about that? I don't know how the whole . . . abstinence thing works."

Kate giggled a little, then raised her hand for a high five. Chloe complied quickly, hitting her hand so hard that it gave a satisfying clap, although it also hurt like hell. Kate shook her hand to restore the feeling in her palm.

"So? Blackwell kid I know? Who's the lucky g-..." Chloe froze, inspecting Kate quickly and in no way subtly. "Yeah, I'm going to need you to help me out here - your sexuality's a little hard for me to suss out here."

Kate, despite herself, was growing fond of all these girls who, whatever else they thought, could distinctly sense that Kate was not-straight. After being friends with Alyssa, Stella, and Dana for a year, it was nice to experience a sense of normality. Not that she blamed them for the heteronormativity, really, it's just that everyone took her disinterest in relationships as some sort of shy girl shell that romance would one day crack. They thought she asked not to be touched because contact was uncomfortable for her. Even Alyssa, who was in the abstinence club too, never seemed to consider that relationships and touch alike were something Kate craved, and that is precisely why she said no.

"She's a girl. And you probably know her, so I feel like I shouldn't say."

"Ugh. Fine. But you're leaving me with some real gossip blue balls here, you know."

Kate gagged at that whole comment. "Gross. But, anyway, not only did I nearly die because I had to talk about the club, but then she goes and sends me pictures of her in her underwear during dinner-"

"-nice; continue-"

"- and I'm, you know, a bit new at this, so I lose my cool a little bit, nearly trip and stab my own neck with a fork, that sort of thing. So the whole dinner basically sucked."

"Reasonable, reasonable." Chloe paused to think for a second and then added, "Is it by any chance Victoria?"

Kate can't even muster up a facial reaction for how off-guard she was for that comment. "H-how did you-"

"Oh my god - holy shit! You had-"

"Ssshhh!"

Chloe had the biggest, goofiest grin on her face. "You had sex with Victoria Chase? Nice one, dude! I tried negging her for like two years, never went anywhere."

That left Kate a little more guarded, but mostly awkward. "I mean, yeah, because that's gross and misogynistic. Have you tried, I don't know, not doing that?"

"Pfft." Chloe considered it. "Yeah. I mean, no, not with Victoria, but like, in general. Why, what'd you do?"

"I-" Kate thought about what she had done, precisely. Had an emotional meltdown? Probably wasn't what did it. Just sort of grabbed her and kissed her? That actually sounds closer to sexual assault and definitely not something she was about to advise Chloe to do. What had actually, you know, worked? "I - uh." Kate's skin flushed red the more she thought about it. No, no, Chloe wasn't asking about those things, that was what probably made the sex continue, not start. Honestly, why should she even tell Chloe? What was it about this weird girl with beautiful arms that made Kate want to impress her?

"I - I dunno. I just. Kinda. Asked if she wanted to make me orgasm I guess?"

Chloe's shock looked both real and performative in its intensity. "Literally? How do you have so much game? You're like 5'5" and cute as a button."

Kate had been getting the impression throughout the conversation that Chloe was flirting with her. Now she was sure of it, and it was doing absolutely nothing to help her feel less embarrassed and overstimulated by this situation.

Kate reached up and scratched her head. The wind and walking had loosened a lot of her hair from its bun and now tufts of it were uncomfortably stuck in bobby pins, over her ears, and otherwise making nuisances of themselves. "But I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell Max about any of this. I don't want her to think less of me."

Chloe held her hands up. "Hey, I won't, but she's also not one to slut-sh-"

"It's not about that. I just . . . don't want her to know."

The look Chloe gave her was awfully suggestive, but she didn't pursue the topic further. "Well, all right, that's fine with me. I think I'm going to head inside, though, it's getting kind of cold for me. You good getting home?"

"Oh yeah I'm . . . uh . . ." Kate looked down the road that she'd come from. It wasn't familiar. She didn't normally walk this far - she must have been gone for over an hour by now.

"Want a ride?"

Kate didn't have to ask which car was hers - it stuck out like a sore thumb in this neighborhood. Still, Kate got the feeling that yes, she really did want a ride.

"Nice truck," Kate said as she looked back at Chloe. To her own total lack of surprise, she caught Chloe checking her out - she switched to a pleasant smile as soon as possible, but it was still a fraction of a second too late. "Sure, I'd like that."

Chloe grinned again, and the devil there in Kate's heart woke up. Kate could see the scene in front of her just like she had with Victoria. If she wanted to, right now, she could probably have sex with Chloe. They could go for a ride a little past where Kate was supposed to get home, where the street lights weren't so frequent and everyone just parked where they could along the side of the road. There wasn't really enough room in the truck to do the sorts of things she had Victoria had done by the looks of it, but Kate liked the look of Chloe's arms and her hands, and she was pretty sure that would be enough to get her off. She had already promised not to tell Max. All she'd have to do is suggest it.

Kate's phone buzzed, and she broke the lingering eye contact between her and Chloe to check it. About half an hour ago there was a picture of Victoria lying on a large bed, her feet in the air and her face held up by a hand. She must have been using a selfie stick, because no one could get such a clear shot of their butt from above without one. Then, just now, there was a message.

Victoria: Did you literally die?

Kate laughed underneath her breath, but, honestly, she felt like she'd been kicked in the gut. What in the world was she doing? What gave her any right to take and use girls just because she wanted to? That's not who she was. And, more importantly, she knew that's not who she wanted to be. Orgasms and control were nice, but maybe they weren't worth giving up all of her integrity.

"C'mon, I'll take you home."

Kate: no, sorry, just got busy Kate: Maybe once we get back I could see more of that in person.

"Mmhmm, yeah. Thanks, Chloe."

Victoria: Maybe so.

Dear Katie,

Thanksgiving went fine. Aunt Martha was, as expected, unpleasant. Katrina dropped out of robotics (I blame Mom).

Kate paused there. How much should she explain? Everything was getting so complicated, and as much as she wanted to spite Katie sometimes, she very well might be the one in charge of Kate's body come the morning. At the very least, they should talk about how Katie got the key to Principal Wells's office. She should ask about what Max and Chloe were up to, and give Katie a heads-up that Chloe seemed to be into her. And she should probably explain what was happening with Victoria before things got any weirder.

It's been a long day. I think I'm going to just go to sleep. Try to get some homework done this weekend, and make sure you're nice to Katrina and Lynn. I don't know how you feel about kids but I love those two a lot.

I hope you have a good day,

Kate

Kate deleted all of her messages from Victoria before going to bed.

[inkofamethyst]

November 21, 2018

Hello!

I’m not feeling super good but at the same time I’m feeling pretty okay!

Let me explain!

Today was the first day of Thanksgiving Break and I just realized how ridiculously fatigued I am.  School and the show have taken everything out of me.  Today has not been a super active day, just really lethargic, if I’m honest.  I wish I could’ve been more productive, like working on some college essays, but alas, I needed a day, especially when tomorrow will be filled with people and massive social fatigue.

However!  Monday and Tuesday were both half-days at school, so I got home really early!  Both days I went back to school to help with the tech for the show, but that’s pretty chill anyway.  Getting through classes quickly is super super nice, always gotta appreciate half-days.

I also started reading again!  I made a Goodreads account a few summer ago, but I honestly haven’t read for fun in maybe a year or something crazy like that.  You see, ever since the summer before my freshman year, there has always been a book or two being held over my head to be read for school.  Over the summer is the worst because as much as I would love to read for fun, I know that I could be using that time to read some book for school that I would not enjoy simply because it was for school.  During the school year is bad too because there’s always homework or something else hanging over my head.

Okay, quick interruption, I’m listening to “Bar Room Blitz” a CR one-shot, and [SPOILER] Sam just told everyone that they needed to take off one article of clothing or suffer one point of exhaustion, and I’ve just loved this whole episode and I’m not even half-way in yet.

Anyway I used to read all the time but now I just don’t and that’s a sad thing.  But!  I began a book today and I’m about two-thirds in and I might try to finish tonight too!  Problem is!  I don’t like the book!  Not all that much anyway!  But I bought it over the summer at a used book store for 50 cents and so I’m gonna read this thing but you can be sure that as soon as I do it’s getting a two-star rating on Goodreads and then going straight to Goodwill.

My mom did make me go out today just for a quick outing and we stopped by Barnes and Noble (which I love and all but it’s just super expensive so I prefer the library for the most part) and I spent quite a bit of time in the journals section and was entranced the whole time.  I have a bit of an obsession with notebooks.  I definitely have plenty that go unused, but I love them anyway and I definitely want more.  I want my next one to be leatherbound, preferably lined.  I’ll probably put it on my Christmas Wishlist which I really need to make.

In that section I was looking at those time capsule journal things and one of the questions was “What’s your favorite question to ask others?”  Ugh!  I love this!  My favorite question, and I ask this fairly often: “What would you do if you knew that you would definitely be financially secure through it?” or some variation of that.  It’s such a good way to get to know people, especially since my friends and I are at that age when we’ve got to make that decision of what we want to do.  There’s been a lot of “travel blogging” and one of my friends said “photography” and it’s something that I want to ask more people and record just because I think it’s beautiful.  My answer?  Perform.  I’d love to do that stage thing for the rest of my life, you know?  Then I would also like to get involved with bio research if I could.  Similar goals as my realistic ones, except switched.

Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  Guys!  I was accepted into my first college!  It’s choice 7, I don’t know about merit scholarships or honors college acceptances, but still!  I was accepted!!  And I mean, sure, it was likely that I was going to get in with their 55% acceptance rate and my 4.6/4.0/1540, but like?!  Do you know how this feels to me?  How important this is to me?  All my life I’ve been working toward this single goal.  I’ve known that I was going to attend college since kindergarten.  Everything I’ve done has been with the ultimate goal of having the ability to attend a top school of my choice.  I have been really afraid of having all of my efforts go to waste due to bad decisions on my part.  Colleges accepting me?  That’s going to literally define my identity as a student for the next four years and I’m super anxious about that.

Alright.  So.  I’m in a funk.  I’ve been in a funk for a while now.  And I think I might’ve figured out why?  This summer I had more freedom than I’d ever had.  I was healthy, I think.  I exercised and ate at every meal and I was learning and thriving.  Thriving.  Then I get back home and I’m put back into this box, this cage.  I’ve seen the other side and it was heaven and then I was jolted back to earth and life seems real again instead of a wonderful fantasy.  I’m in a funk because I don’t have that freedom anymore and I so desperately want it again.  I want city life again.  And that’s the problem.  I’m done with high school and I can lie to myself and say that I’m going to enjoy senior year but in reality I’m wistfully glancing across to the horizon, reaching out to grasp what’s to come.  That’s why I don’t feel good, I think.  I’m ready for the next stage in life to begin.

I read today that you can cry from any emotion.  I read that crying is just the effect of feeling an emotion so much that it reaches and overflows the capacity of one to feel any emotion.  That explains why I literally tear up any time I see someone succeeding or being a good person and beating the odds.  I’m just so happy that I can’t contain it.  I don’t know,, that knowledge just made me feel really content.

Uh,, today I’m thankful for that snow day we got last week!  Snow days are always a blessing because I never skip school or anything so I use them as mental health and catch-up days!  Also!  Again, I’m thankful for getting my first acceptance!  There are plenty more decisions to come and more applications to complete and more essays to write but at least I know that I’m going somewhere!  I expect, based on my stats, that I’ll be getting into my state schools, but those are choices 8 and 9, so I’m hoping for others too!  Preferably choice 2, wishfully choice 1, hopefully choice 3 (I’ll know that one within the next month~!)!  Woo, this process!  Also I’m thankful for my cast.  They’re so great and I have really loved talking to all (most) of them throughout the last two months and I can’t wait for out performances that are coming up!

[yupuffin]

A thing I’ve learned from anime villains

...is that even if you don’t agree with someone’s actions or way of doing things, it’s so important to understand their reasoning, where they’re coming from. This is a theme that’s being iterated again and again in a performance project in which I’m participating right now, but it didn’t really hit me in the face until last night. Now I have two examples I can talk about. (I stuck it under a cut because it got really long oops.)

First off, we have Madoka Shishito from Deadman Wonderland. I read the DWL manga all the way through around this time last year after finishing the anime a month or so before, so I got to meet Madoka. He seemed cute and I instantly could relate to his shyness so I paid close attention to his character.

I think Madoka is really interesting. His belief is that happiness in the world is like a zero-sum game: if one person is suffering and their happiness decreases, someone else somewhere out in the world must be increasingly happy as a result, and vice versa. I definitely don’t agree with his execution of that belief, since it involves basically torturing Ganta and the other protagonists in the hopes of increasing the happiness of someone else in the world. But I can absolutely see why he would think that is a good idea. After all, it’s an idea he came up in his childhood when he realized how much enjoyment the other kids were getting out of bullying and abusing him.

I certainly don’t think people should hurt other people to make people in general happy, but I do think Madoka’s way of thinking highlights the importance of selflessness. Granted, there are times when it’s important to be selfish, but there are also times when you can make someone else really happy with only minor losses on your part. For example, getting up at four in the morning to wait outside Target until it opens in order to get Hatchimals (the big, popular, hype-filled toy of the season that you couldn’t even get during normal store hours because they all sold out) for my baby cousins in time for the holidays isn’t something I normally do, but it was a small inconvenience to how happy the kids and their parents were when we texted them a photo of me victoriously holding up the three Hatchimals we had managed to procure. According to Mom, my aunt was crying from happiness because without my help, the kids wouldn’t have gotten the item on the top of their wishlists for Christmas. And that just gave me the best warm fuzzy feeling.

I may or may not have decided to do that without Madoka, but thinking back to how he mentioned you can make others happy by sacrificing a bit of yourself (or your time, in this case) was a big contributor to my instant agreement to undertake this holiday shopping adventure. Imagine how different DWL would be if they had Hatchimals!

My other example is Ferid Bathory from Seraph of the End. I’ve read the first 12 volumes of the manga so far, and according to the manga, it’s pretty clear that Ferid does a lot of cruel things and he’s not the kind of person you want to make into your enemy. So I never liked seeing Ferid show up in the manga.

I started reading the side series of light novels, The Story of Vampire Michaela, which is actually mostly about Crowley’s past (so far). There’s two volumes out right now. For the first volume and a half, we get to know Crowley really well and it’s hard not to get attached to him and worry about him when he makes “friends” (according to Ferid, anyway) with Ferid, since we know from the manga (which takes place about 800 years later) that Ferid can do some pretty mean things, and having a troubled, stressed-out person like 13th-century Crowley around him can’t lead to anything good. Crowley has a lot of bad experiences thanks to Ferid and for the first volume and a half I couldn’t imagine how Crowley and Ferid could ever be close enough to follow each other around as constantly as they do in the Seraph manga. I was honestly hoping Crowley could get his revenge on Ferid quickly so he could feel better because the only other way I saw it working out was Ferid somehow forcing Crowley to tag along with him everywhere he goes for the rest of his life, which is forever.

Until the second-to-last chapter, that is, in which Ferid explained his reasoning for doing everything he had done up until that point in a calm, rather anticlimactic conversation with Crowley. At first I was disappointed that they didn’t have some kind of epic face-off, but as I kept reading it made more and more sense. Being a vampire is hard. If Ferid had been a normal guy or a goody-two shoes and tried to be even remotely nice to Crowley, Crowley never would have remembered him or lived long enough to come find him again after they got relatively close to being friends.

Again, I don’t agree with most or all of Ferid’s actions. He caused Crowley an awful lot of excess stress on top of what Crowley was already experiencing and ruined his life, at least for 50-something years. But knowing why he did all that after a volume and a half of light novels made everything click in my head. I wasn’t so worried about Crowley and Ferid being buddies anymore because I had the confirmation that Ferid legitimately wanted Crowley around, and even if he is a cruel person (as he has demonstrated), not being around Crowley wasn’t going to help either of them at that point 800 years ago. And now when I think about Ferid’s actions in the manga in the context of the reasoning he supplied in the light novel, I understand what he does and how he thinks a lot more and even though I still don’t like him a whole lot and I still think he does awful things, watching Ferid be Ferid (and just exist in general) isn’t nearly as nerve-wracking.

Of course, this kind of thinking can be applied to real life, too. There are lots of people in the world, all with different experiences and ways of thinking. I don’t have to agree with their actions or think their motives are good or support anything they do, say, or think if I don’t want to, but knowing why they do, say, or think those things is super important because it keeps me from making knee-jerk reactions or drawing unreasonable conclusions based on things I don’t know, or know incorrectly.

So yeah, I guess I’m writing this because I think it would be nice if other people could learn from experiences like these and try to understand one another a little more, even if they don’t like or agree with one another. From what I’ve experienced, it takes some of the stress out of your life. And our lives are already stressful enough as it is, so whatever small things we can do to remove even a little bit of stress is worth it, in my mind.