#also technically destiel anniversary

[mittensmorgul]

all the time in the world

1289 words | rated T | destiel anniversary fluff

summary:

In the aftermath of the events of one working part, Dean and Cas take a road trip. Neither of them really wants it to end. And they realize it doesn't really have to.

It's been 15 years, and about time they got to celebrate! This is technically coda fic for one working part, but you don't need to read that to enjoy this little snippet of fluff.

read it on ao3, or below the cut

The morning after Cas came back, Dean just drove. The reality of their new lives had really begun to sink in. As they headed toward the bunker, after stopping for lunch at a Kansas City style barbecue place, Dean decided to use their self-appointed time off to introduce Cas to the wide variety of barbecue the vast and varied United States had to offer.

“It won’t take long to detour to Memphis,” Dean had said while they were still at the table. “Beale Street, home of the blues and pork ribs. You’ll love it.”

“But we just ate barbecue, Dean,” Cas replied. “Is it really necessary to drive across three states for more? Isn’t this sufficient?”

Dean looked at Cas in horror for a second, and then shook his head slowly. “See, this is why we need a barbecue road trip. Gotta train up those new human taste buds. I can’t have you spending the rest of your life thinking all barbecue is the same.”

Cas had reluctantly accepted that. Mostly he was just glad to be with Dean, no matter what they were doing. And the idea of a long road trip just for fun, not running into danger or looking for things to hunt or fighting against cosmic forces sounded pleasant, regardless of what they were doing. He also admitted that first barbecue dinner had been delicious, and he wouldn’t mind having it again. He looked across the table at Dean, and smiled.

“Thank you, Dean. Of course I’m happy to go wherever you’d like to take me.”

Dean had gone all pink and flustered across the table at that, and that was also something Cas didn’t mind in the least. In a matter of days he’d gone from firmly believing that he could never have what he truly wanted to being given more than he’d ever even dared to hope for. Not just Dean, but an end to the constant struggle to stay ahead of the forces intent on destroying the universe. For the first time in his long existence, he had time. Time to explore and enjoy the creation he’d stood above for eons, to partake of its wonders instead of invisibly standing guard over them. And Dean was eager and overjoyed to share it all with him.

After Memphis, Dean insisted they needed to head to North Carolina. They swung down through Louisiana and into Texas toward the end of the week. Over brisket while a local band played outside a brewery in the hill country outside Austin, Dean sat staring off into the distance at another group of people smiling and laughing together.

“Is something wrong, Dean?” Cas asked after a few minutes. “You’re not finishing your lunch.”

Dean shook himself off and gave Cas a warm smile. “I was just thinking we should probably be heading home soon.”

Cas nodded at this. “Yes. This has been fun and enlightening, but Sam might be starting to worry about us.”

Dean laughed. “Maybe. But I’m also thinking some of your returned souls might start showing up. Don’t wanna leave the homestead all locked up if anyone needs a refuge, you know?”

“Possibly,” Cas replied.

They’d already heard from Rowena and Crowley, who’d both eagerly taken the deal Cas's spell had offered them. Dean had been worried the two of them would just end up killing each other again, but apparently they’d instead decided to go into business together. So far he’d been reluctant to discover exactly what sort of business the two of them would concoct together, but at least he wasn’t worried about having to clean up another messy murder scene at Rowena’s place. He didn’t necessarily expect to hear from anyone else, but everyone who might reach out already knew where they lived. As long as Sam was there, at least they’d find a warm welcome. Something else was bothering Dean.

“Are you already bored of traveling with me?” he joked, hoping to lighten Dean’s mood.

“What? Never!” Dean insisted, reaching across the table to rest a hand on Cas’s. He stared down at their impulsively joined hands and slowly looked up to Cas’s warm smile with one of his own. “It’s just… it’s almost our anniversary, you know? The day we met, the day you pulled me outta Hell. Kinda feels like we should do something special.”

Cas frowned at that. “Anniversary? I never really thought about it like that before.”

“Yeah, well there’s always been a lot of other shit going on. Even after I started liking you enough to stop thinking of it as the day I had to dig myself out of my own grave and started thinking of it as the day we met, there was never really much time to stop and grab a Hallmark card about it. I just figured, we got time for celebrating stuff like that now.”

“That sounds lovely, Dean,” Cas replied, grateful to know that nothing was truly bothering Dean. He wasn’t actually upset about anything, but he still looked as confused as Cas felt. “What do people even do to celebrate that sort of thing?”

“What,” Dean replied absently. “Rescuing some dude from Hell? I don’t think a lot of other people got that sort of anniversary to celebrate.”

Cas grinned. “That’s true, but people celebrate many similar annual events.”

Dean finished off his brisket and then stood up with Cas to walk back to the car. They weren’t in a hurry, but they were ready to move on again. As they headed out on the road, Dean gave Cas a considering look.

“We could take another road trip. There’s a lot of other important human knowledge we gotta explore.”

Cas considered that for a moment, and then remembered where he’d first met Dean face to face. It seemed as logical a destination as any for an anniversary road trip.

“We could go to Pontiac, Illinois. The barn where you met me is still standing. Or was, a few months ago when I last checked on it.”

Dean turned to look at him so fast the car jolted to the side before he managed to correct it. “Dude, you checked on it?”

Cas gave a little shrug, wondering if maybe he’d overstepped some sort of boundary he hadn’t known existed. Maybe he needed to justify his actions to Dean.

“I used to visit there frequently. When I could still fly, it was a safe sanctuary. You warded it very well against almost everything other than angels. And after I fell and became human, I added more warding. It’s hidden from almost everyone and everything else, except for us. I made sure that you’d always be able to find it again, too. If you ever felt the need for a sanctuary.”

“What?” Dean asked, genuinely surprised by all of this. “You turned the place I stabbed you in the heart into a safe space?”

Cas shrugged. “It seemed metaphorically appropriate at the time.”

Dean reached across the seat and took his hand, squeezing it tight. He was clearly overcome with emotions that Cas was just beginning to understand. He squeezed back and smiled as Dean took a few deep breaths, intently focused on the road. Eventually, Dean cleared his throat, and then smiled at him.

“You know, we did the barbecue tour. We should probably do a pizza tour. Chicago’s not far from Pontiac, and you gotta try a deep dish.”

Cas smiled back, relieved, and let Dean deflect his feelings for the time being. They’d have plenty of time to talk through all their emotions. He could let Dean plan it all for the future for now. 

“That sounds wonderful, Dean,” he replied. Because they had time for everything now.

(ao3 link again for anyone who wants it!)

[myaimistrue]

del myaimistrue’s underrated destiel fic recs part 3!

as with part 1 and part 2, these are all fics that aren’t necessarily as popular or well known as more common recs. they all have less than 10k hits on ao3 OR were published pre-2015 OR both. this a good list y’all i’m excited to share them with you :) leave a comment and kudos for the author if you enjoy a fic!!

list under the cut, organized by word count!

children get older (and i'm getting older, too) by flightsofangels

2k. fics that make you sob hysterically. this is SOOOO sweet. it’s a little story written for transnatural week (if you’re looking for some really fantastic fics, check out their ao3 collection) in which dean and cas discuss their experiences with gender. featuring dad dean and cas, and so many good moments between tfw 2.0.

through the stars by LoversAntiquities

2k fic about dean’s fortieth birthday, on which he wakes up with swollen hands from his arthritis. just a quick sweet story about how loved dean is, and the gifts sam and cas get for him will make both you and dean cry!

if you are hungry then take note by a_good_soldier

2.2k. basically i’m never tired of post-canon curtain fics, and this is one of the best. cas writing poetry is EVERYTHING to me. dean as a mentor to queer kids is also incredible. just a really sweet, soft story about growing old in the safety of your home with somebody you love <3

Clear as a Bell by charcoalcas

2.3k human cas sickfic! he gets chickenpox and dean takes care of him which is as sweet as you think it’d be. it’s the night before their anniversary (september 18th) as well, and they talk about the very beginnings of their relationship. super cute and fun to read!

so comfort came by Newtondale

4k post-canon fic. dean reckons with the concept of retirement now that he and cas aren’t regularly hunting anymore. very sweet little fix-it. dean and cas are so in love <3

love, now and forever by LoversAntiquities

5.4k. michael leaves dean’s body and cas is left to pick up the pieces in a small cabin while they wait for their family to arrive. hurt/comfort is my personal favorite trope to read and this is heavy on both the hurt and comfort. very heavy at the beginning (dean is not in a good place) so be careful, but it has a really sweet ending.

of fire and circles by deanspurpleflannel

7.9k. post 15x18 toddler!jack fic in which the bunker burns down. i left a rambling comment on it the first time i read it because it made me feel sooooo much. dean’s grief over cas was expertly written, and the claire & dean & jack dynamic was perfect. plus it’s a fun twist on the cas returning from empty trope! will bring a tear to your eye by the end. 

All other nights are black, all other hours are cold by jamjarjane

9.7k. SUPER sweet getting together fic with lots of pining. dean is very touch-starved and cas knows it. the last two scenes are so tender and so beautifully written--the want and the love between dean and cas are palpable. 

Flying in Circles Inside a Jar by prosopopeya

11k season 5 getting together fic. i am such a sucker for kripke era deancas, and this one is so perfect at capturing that dynamic. super fun and sexy and in-character. fully laughed out loud multiple times while reading, with plenty of sweet moments to balance it out!

Repose by Thalius

a 14.4k season 6 fic. cas needs a break from the civil war and heaven and comes to see the winchesters at bobby’s house. the push and pull between dean wanting to take care of cas while still being afraid to deal with how he feels for him is perfectly illustrated here. also it has super interesting takes on soul-touching/angelic healing!

Fight or Flight by ellispark

this is a 23.1k canon divergent season 12 story that has basically everything i love in a supernatural fic. established deancas! interesting mary character work! hurt/comfort! compelling plot! great sam moments independent of dean and cas! family drama! plus the non-linear narrative is a super interesting choice that is so fun to read. seriously one of my absolute all-time favorites

until the end and after by Philyra912

27.9k. literally one of my new favorite deancas fics of all time, and possibly my favorite post-canon curtain fic. set a year after they save the world, dean and cas are living in an old farmhouse together and making a life… except they aren’t technically together. it’s so in-character and so gentle and so good. seriously 10/10 in every regard. 

[green-blue-heller]

Ok, so i get shipping cockles, but it seems like people are actually forcing (??) the ship. Like people act like they have have definite proof that something is going on between Jensen and Misha and I can see their chemistry, but insisting it's real just seems like a bad idea. I've seen other people play into ships like this and it ends up ruining the relationship. It would be cute if there's something going on between them as a poly person myself, but just seeing so many people act like it's a definite is just ruining it :/

IMO it’s absolutely real. But others may disagree. Everyone can have their opinion.

Though I don’t really see people “forcing” it. We make observations and then deduce the most probable cause and effect. In this case it’s that Misha and Jensen have been together for 11 years now (except one short breakup).

If you mean forcing as in trying to force it upon the actors, most of us know to keep it to tumblr and not other social media. And to definitely not talk about cockles to cockles or cockles-adjacent.

Misha can make jokes about how we all sit around and look for clues and go “I knew it” but we don’t take those to Misha or Jensen or the wives or anyone else and ask or discuss it.

Now, Misha does have tumblr. He’s talked about it. His mother has tumblr. In fact, his mother is responsible for the cockles mansion thing for GISH. And Misha has “accidentally” tweeted the link to the cockles love story (which he never deleted, might I add...).

If either of those accounts troll around and dig up what fans are saying, that’s on them lol. This is fandom space and fandom shit should stay here.

But Jensen was uncomfortable with shipping due to Wincest. So he didn’t understand shipping and Destiel at first. And he was a little problematic and harsh about it.

But he mellowed out even though he really didn’t want to talk about it.

If the man wasn’t comfortable with a fictional ship, I couldn’t see him perpetuating and playing into a RPS. One that included things like insinuating they had sex, grinding on each other or straddling.

Including insinuating him and Misha were having sex in the extended gag reel footage. Because that’s exactly what the “you’d know” was about, when Misha asked him if he farted.

And especially not a ten year anniversary photo out of thin air - a ten year anniversary that meant those ten years was more significant than the first year they’d known each other.

And Jensen is an actor. A damn good actor. But the way him and Misha are together, that man has NO poker face. They touch without even thinking about it. And linger. More than once as they went for a hug or something, you can tell by the way their body moved they went for a kiss at first.

The one time Ruthie even shakes her head and wags her finger at them as they realize and pull away.

Jensen literally looks at Misha as though the sun and the stars revolve around him. And Misha does the same, though usually has a better poker face. But Jensen’s unicorn laugh, at things that are just NOT funny... is funny. Because Misha just has to exist and Jensen thinks it’s the best and funniest thing.

I mean, last year was the 10 year anniversary post. And literally a year later, we all wait for an anniversary post or acknowledgment from either of them, and Family Business Beer Co updates their website to introduce Eyes Like the Sky. Later that day, Misha posted about knives that were like works of art and cost a lot of money for knives. And upon looking it up, steel is the traditional gift for an eleven year anniversary lol.

Then... Jensen just won an award. In his IG post of thanks, his only personal thanks were: Mish. Dee. They were also the only ones he didn’t use their name, but rather their nickname. Yes, he mentioned Jared in the video, but he was talking about the nominees and Jared was also nominated. So it almost would have been awkward if he hadn’t.

Sure, it’s still technically circumstantial, but as someone who studied criminal justice, forensics, and psychology... it’s obvious what it adds up to.

And Jib10 was all but a coming out party lol.

But yeah... I guess until one of them says something more definitive than showing up together 45 min late at a con, one being told he’d be a mortar because he can take a good pounding, the other saying “I love you” to the one who got teased about the pounding, and then let him straddle him for really no reason, and then taking a chest-to-chest selfie that had no room for Jesus between them...

Do I hope they eventually just confirm?

Yes.

Why?

Because I love them and want them to be happy. I don’t want them to feel like they have to or should hide a part of themselves, especially something that makes them happy. I wish they honestly knew how many people would be happy and support them if they made a statement that they were in a poly relationship.

We already know Misha is poly and I’m 99% sure I’ve seen an article where Dee made statements in support of poly relationships.

But, if it was for the show, it’s over, and they wouldn’t need to be spamming each other’s accounts with likes. Jensen wouldn’t have to include Misha first in personal thanks section.

So... if they’re not, it’s time to just say they’re not.

But for anyone on the fence or unsure what this is, there is a master post that’s actually 4 posts, that I’ll add in later when I find it again. People can make up their own mind.

Wow. This went on a bit longer than I intended. But after this long ass post, I hope this has given you at least a glimmer of insight and hope that it won’t ruin anything with them. And I don’t think fans are the problem.

[chaoticdean]

Can I pls pls pls get a sweet fic with Cas contemplating just how exquisitely his husband (i am a sucker for loving married destiel fics) has aged into this *swoons* beautiful beautiful devastatingly handsome man (his beard and the length of his hair *swoons again*) plsss

Sorry it took me an actual eternity, but here ya go! ❤️

[READ ON AO3]

The sun shining light through the curtain slots slowly pulls Dean from a very comfortable sleep, with a side of light grumbling (who the fuck decided it was a good idea to put blinds instead of blackout curtains in that goddamn room?!). The hunter reaches for the other half of the bed, only meeting emptiness and cold sheets, which makes the grumbles turn into groans. He hops on his feet then, making his way down the stairs and to the kitchen, knowing very well he’ll find him here.

“Hi,” he says lightly, his voice still rough with sleep, dropping a soft kiss right there in the hollow of his neck, where it’s warm and inviting and smells just like Cas, “Watcha doing? I woke up and you weren’t in bed with me.”

And I hated it, you know I hate waking up without you all tangled up around me like a goddamn koala, it makes me scared that maybe all of this is a dream and I’m finally waking up to an empty bed in a ghost house.

Both his arms have found their way around the former angel’s waist and are now tucked under his shirt — well, really, Dean’s shirt, but the hunter stopped keeping track of what’s his and what’s his husbands, well over a decade ago already — resting against his bare skin, and Dean tightens against Castiel’s back, even letting his eyes fall shut again as he instantly relaxes against him.

“Hey,” Cas respond with a smile, raising his head and turning just enough to get a look at his sleepy, grumpy husband, “wanted to make breakfast before we head out. There’s a fresh pot of coffee on the counter, if you want.”

“You’re a fucking saint.”

“Well, technically…”

“Babe, I know, shut it,” Dean groans as he smiles, dropping another kiss behind Cas’ ear before he lets go of his warmth and makes his way to said fresh pot of coffee, “Thank you.”

He pours himself a cup — in that stupid one that Jack gifted him last Christmas, the one that says “My son went to Canada and all I got was this stupid coffee mug” and that Dean loves so much — and watches as Castiel finishes making scrambled eggs, wearing only a pair of boxer briefs and that old faded black rock band shirt that suited Dean just fine but somehow fits tighter on Castiel’s broad shoulders and muscular body (which is truly infuriating and slightly hot, by the way).

Ten years might have passed since they defeated Chuck, and sure they might have gotten older, hair might have turned grayer, but Cas is looking just as fine as he did 10 years ago (which means he looks like a goddamn model).

Not that Dean has any complaint whatsoever, but he’s self-conscious about himself enough to know he doesn’t look as good as he used to, flat tummy turned into small pudge and love handles be damned.

“How old are you again?” Dean asks over his cup, sipping his coffee as he watches his husband turn around and put the scrambled eggs in one single plate.

“Mhm, 3.92 billion years, give or take one or two millennia,” Cas answers absent-mindedly as he proceeds to wash the pan right away, “but you know that already.”

“Ya, I do,” Dean grins as Castiel dries his hand, looking at Dean curiously.

The former angel grabs the plate and sets it in front of Dean, “eat.”

“C’mere,” Dean motions for Cas to come and sit on his lap, and suddenly his husband his right against him, Ocean blues meet Forrest green, “God, you look beautiful.”

Castiel’s hand finds its way to Dean’s face, cupping his cheek as he smiles wide, and Dean’s find their way under Cas’ shirt again, resting on his back. The silver wedding ring on the former angel’s finger attracts the sun’s light as he lowers his face to kiss his husband.

Dean had thought, back then, that at some point the feeling going with kissing his angel would fade, that it would turn into something normal, some kind of routine, but it never did.

It still tastes like the sun on his face, like he’s riding some stupid rainbow and discovering a whole new galaxy altogether.

“Happy Anniversary, babe,” Cas murmurs against his lips once they part, and Dean kisses him again right here and there, just because he can.

“I love you.”

“I know,” the former angel smiles, “I love you, too.”

It’s not like it’s as taboo as it used to be for Dean. It took him a long time to be able to say it without feeling like he might explode, and he still remembers the first time it passed his lips to land on Castiel’s ecstatic face. But there’s still this thrill going down his spine every time his husband does, this deep feeling of possessiveness, of feeling like he finally belongs. With him.

Castiel glides a finger over Dean’s scruff along his jaw, watching him closely with half a smile on his lips, “you look just like you did back then.”

“Which is?”

“Magnificent.”

His lips are on Dean’s jaw now, making their way to his temple, and Dean delights in the little shiver that goes through his body as Castiel’s lips move on his skin.

“Now you’re pushing it.”

“Beautiful. Superb. Marvelous. Do I get to keep going?” Castiel says, his voice muffled as he goes down Dean’s neck, a silent moan rising from the hunter's throat.

“Mhm, as much as I’d like to believe you, I know you’re lying.”

“I don’t lie.”

Dean rolls his eyes then, because of fucking course Castiel fucking Winchester who “doesn’t get words wrong”, doesn’t lie, except when he wants his husband to feel good.

“All the extra weight on my body and grey hair on my head and face would like to kindly disagree,” he answers with a self-deprecating smile.

“Dean,” Castiel grabs him by the chin, locking-eyes with him, “If you don’t stop bringing yourself down I’m seriously going to get mad.”

“I like it when you get mad,” Dean answers, turning his smile into a mischievous one.

Castiel fits his lips against Dean’s once more and they share a truly filthy kiss, just because they can do that now in the middle of their kitchen, in the house they’ve bought for themselves all those years ago. When they part, Dean still has that dazed look on his face as he watches his husband rise from his lap and feels him press against his back Hal a second later, lips back on his neck.

“You look beautiful to me. I don’t care if your hair turns grey, or if you gain weight, or if you need your 8 hours instead of 4, or if you fall asleep in front of Jeopardy every night. I don’t give a shit, Dean.”

Dean smiles then, Castiel’s lips kissing inside his neck, because goddamit Castiel swearing has a way of going straight to Dean’s dick.

“You’re my husband, and you look beautiful, and I love you,” he drops a soft kiss on his cheek then, both his hand roaming on Dean’s chest, and Dean can’t resist but holding on to those strong arms that still make his night feel safe after so long already, “but if you don’t think you look good, maybe we should head for our bed right now and I’ll show you how beautiful you look to me.”

“That certainly sounds exciting.”

“It does, right?”

“Not sure Sam and Eileen will be on board if we arrive 3 hours late to Charlotte’s christening though,” Dean smiles, already feeling the arousal rise.

“Bold of you to assume it’s going to take me this long to toss you into oblivion, but I also don’t give a shit.”

“Language.”

“Fuck you,” Cas giggles as Dean rises up.

They make it 20 minutes late, and neither Sam nor Eileen has the heart to call them out on it, because both of them are beaming like actual rays of sunshine, and little Charlie can’t get enough of her uncles “Ca’n’Dee”.

Send me a quick prompt and I’ll do my best

(also, if you’ve send me one already and I haven’t done it yet, it’s on my to-do lost, I��m just being terribly and fashionably late as usual)

[do-you-have-a-flag]

Destiel shippers come get ya’ll juice!

SO @deadwright​ and I were inspired by Some Tumblr Posts and the twitter Roadhouse  Wedding stuff and keep writing headcanons about Thee Destiel 2021 Married Ever After S16 SPN Romantic Event Of The Season, so here’s that. 

Arranged in order of marital chronology and cutting out us keysmashing too much:

oh man imagine all the burgers they get catered for the reception dean got it done himself he would’ve been so particular about the catering bridezilla cas would probably be THEE bitchiest bridezilla

it's also definitely that trope where all the other hunters ect KNOW that that many of them and the wedding party are essentially a target for trouble so everyone spends the 24 hours leading up to the vows taking out every beastie who shows up on a revenge kick out of sight because they'll be damned if they let ANYTHING stop this wedding and Dean and cas are both having their marital jitters oh god im not good enough what if something goes wrong about mundane things while monsters are getting their ass kicked outside AWWWWWWWW for sure for sure, they’re hunter royalty this wedding is a big deal like half the attendees are nursing injuries but grinning widely

they don't do the can't see eachother before the wedding thing because you KNOW dean would be fixing cas' tie last minute

dean wears a blue pocket square to match cas' tie cas wears a FLANNEL SQUARE

I’m obsessed w the idea of cas giving dean a little bit of his grace in a small bottle on a chain for him to wear or like a wing feather or some part of him god the grace in a bottle breaks me every time in fic dean probably builds cas something but every time i try to think of something specific i choke up

i was thinking like what if trading grace is as close to a romantic gesture as angels have and he's like..... technically i left some grace behind in your mark when i dragged you from the pit and dean is like ARE YOU SAYING WE'VE BEEN MARRIED THIS WHOLE TIME? 

they are so sweet i’m on the verge of tears the ability to do anything by halves in their relationship was burnt out by like the second return from the dead moment they are too insane to be anything less than All In And Then Some

at one point someone was like hey cas do you want to run your vows by someone as practice? and he started reading what he'd prepared and it devolved into Biblically Grand Statements Of The Power Of Love And The Redemption Of - ect ect ect and it's because unlike the confession scene he's had TOO much preparation and overshot into uncanny angelic vibes he makes some edits because he know the expressions he gets when he reads it aren't what he intended

dean writes page after page after page of unused drafts, none of them are particularly floral

he does the cliche of ripping up his vows and improvising at the altar, something he gets mercilessly teased for because he swore he wouldn't but it classifies as a chick flick moment

THAT’S SO PEAK HIM OH MY GOD and you knoooooow you just KNOW it’s beautiful and emotional and everyone is crying

god the NOVELTY of dean being emotionally honest in front of people......im gonna faint YEA yeah... ONE TIME ONLY DEAL he thinks loudly at Sam's smug expression

anyway, at the wedding dean is the one who spends the whole ceremony with like crying cat meme eyes after the confession scene i’m pretty sure the minute the vows start cas is in the same boat USELESS HUSBANDS dean gets passed a handkerchief for his tears and immediately goes to use it on cas' face and they both laugh sob love the idea that everyone individually thought they were too tough to cry but they all broke at various stages yeah sam definitely starts to choke up just standing up there with his brother sam chokes up before the ceremony even started, like probably when he was pinning on dean’s corsage

anyway, Jack dancing with his two dads at the reception CAS’ BEST MAN / FLOWER BOY FLOWER MAN let him heelie down the aisle with the flowers LITTLE MAN GO NYOOM who makes him a little flower crown he wears with a proud lil smile? claire ofc, with those hair braiding skills? she makes it BEAUTIFUL flower crown: on nails: painted dads: MARRIED!!!!

when they say i do and kiss and everyone is cheering you can't convince me that someone doesn't let off what is either a gun or a dubiously legal firework in celebration jack pops a few lightbulbs in his uncontrollable joy

Dean and Cas can't let go of each other, it's at LEAST one point of physical contact for the rest of the reception PERIODT

CAN YOU IMAGINE THEM DANCING TO AIR SUPPLY

they definitely didn't do the wedding gifts thing but a few mysteriously show up anyway; discuss waffle iron from sam bc he remembers the becky incident meanwhile claire gets them flavoured lube because she’s an insane little mean girl she gets them a sampler package with like novelty flavours, gotta spring extra for a wedding PIE FLAVOURED LUBE

it’s gonna be the party of the century omfg you KNOW it! that dancefloor going OFF the BAR is FLOWING

dean gets dragged up onto the bar to make a speech and there's a moment at the end where he drags cas up there too and they're being playfully yelled at not to scuff it and there's hooting and catcalls as dean and cas kiss and dean gestures rudely before almost falling backwards off the bar before cas grabs him and climbing down is less romantic or dignified but he couldn't care if he wanted to

meanwhile sam and claire are outside defacing the impala with silly string and lewd graffiti and tin cans tied to the bumper for the going-away oh it is one hundo percent a just married atrocity there's enough condoms hidden in the car that they're still finding them months later

anyway wanna hear my disgustingly soppy honeymoon roadtrip concept? YOU KNOW I DO OKAY SO

you know at some point dean must have said some sad thing like for the longest time he never thought he'd live long enough to get married and the only circumstances he could imagine was hooking up drunkenly with a stranger at some vegas wedding scenario like that's the best he would ever get and he thinks it's mostly forgotten but then during their cross country honeymoon roadtrip castiel does in fact navigate them to las vegas and quietly mutters that the legal veracity of the little chapel on the city limits is dubious at best and they're already married so it couldn't do any harm and they get officiated by an elvis impersonator and a woman wearing more sequins than fabric throws cheap confetti over them

and after that they stop into every venue they can find that would be friendly to them to pretend they're eloping and at one point dean even pulls out the fbi id badges and the officiant is under the impression he's facilitating some sort of covert workplace romance 

one place is a kitchy little house that's clearly just the couple who run it opening their strange home to anyone who needs it and have been since the 70s and Castiel thinks for a moment when they're asked to pin something to the collection of stuff on the walls and ceiling before pulling the receipt for the pie they'd shared earlier in a dinner out and scrawling his and dean's name on it to be added to the clutter 

and at one point they stand ankle deep in a pond while some old hippie lady wraps their clasped hands together with soft fabric and chants something that dean knows isn't real magic but hey he's not going to tell her that and after the ceremony they sit on the grass and feed each other sweet bread to complete the binding or whatever and it's nice but it doesn't compare to the ranch where they both tossed their cowboy hats in the air and were given a horse to ride to their camp site

i thought about riverboat gambling for point one seconds and now i know in my bones that one of their many weddings was on a riverboat, they made the captain officiate after cornering him on deck in like five minutes, the crew sent them complimentary champagne and they threw fries at the birds following the boat while sharing it straight out of the bottle

if destiel can go canon multiple times they can get married multiple times CHANGE MY MIND THEY GET MARRIED SO MUCH the MOST married i just want them to get gay cowboy married

eventually i want them to end up at the beach bc dean has canonically never been to the coast their road trip is to get to the other coast

they send just married postcards back to sam from every stop sam stops feeling hurt he was left out of their vegas elopement wedding by the third wedding postcard he recieves sam saves them ofc bc GOD can you imagine them looking at the postcards on their 30th anniversary or s/t 🥺 showing their grandkids and recounting the story of each wedding there's a seashell taped to the last one

cas gets a terrible sunglasses tan and dean gets burnt on the tips of his ears and there's sand on sand on sand in all their clothes and at one point dean is blinking away salt water and cas is gripping his arm and saying something about the coral by them in the water and dean thinks that he likes floating beside cas a lot better than flying

dean has cas pick ice cream for them from a truck and hustles at carnival games enough to win them both big novelty foam hats and they both go back to their room and pass out immediately post shower sprawled across the bed and still smelling like sunscreen and salt water

dean tucks a little cocktail umbrella behind cas’ ear

cas spends most of the next day in dean's zepplin shirt and a pair of shorts they only picked up once they got there because neither of them thought to bring beach clothes, they sit on the balcony and dean sips his beer and idly plays with the ring on cas' finger and they play a game of what fictional monsters could they beat in a fight

cas’ true form is the size of the chrysler building he can fight king kong easy that's what he says and dean's like okay but what about mothra and castiel is like how would YOU defeat mothra and dean just goes "bugspray." GDJSGSHSGSHDSJ DEAN WOULD

in honour of misha putting his whole pussy into the role, cas wears a dress in at least one of their weddings

it's at one of those theme parks that's just historical re-enactments and people get their vows renewed there and there's costumes for the photobooth and the staff are like how long have you been married? castiel says two weeks, three days, eighteen hours, and twenty five minutes................ approximately.  and the photo is cas in a classical wedding gown and dean is wearing the veil with his old timey suit and there's a moose head on the wall behind them wearing the top hat he was given and they send that print with an arrow pointing at the moose with sam written next to it

i keep thinking bitch!!!! you KNOW WHAT!! you KNOW that dean is the type a guy who's heart races every time he feels his wedding ring/is always fiddling with it in the weeks after the wedding, like an anchor to remind him they really got married this is real he would NEED that physical reminder that he can have good things

he’s never ever going to take it off, the tan line will be permanent

how funny it would be if dean gets injured on a hunt and the monster guy is about to kill him and then the lights blow out and the monsters are like what was that and dean is just like "[spits blood] that's my husband." and nek minnit cas has just ripped through them thanks to teleporting in angel style and is just like Cas: [heals dean] "you're late for movie night" Dean: "Well if you'd gotten here earlier i would have been on time." Cas: >:| [kisses him]

cas is like i didn’t burn the popcorn this time you BETTER be alive to see it

[destielfanfic]

5.5 years of Destielfanfic, Vol. 1

Let us tell you a story...

DFF started on August 28, 2012 with a review of Thursday’s Child by strangenessandcharm and in the next four days, the mods posted 28 reviews! Very frequent posting and answering all anon asks was a critical feature that helped us to gain unexpected popularity really fast. It was just before the premier of Season 8 and people were pouring into fandom, eager for fic!

Many features that we now consider essential to the DFF experience, were introduced during that very first year. We must thank our mod Char for having and implementing a clear vision of a fandom blog.

Note about mods  Alice/bbcsherlockian started DFF alone, but was almost immediately joined by Char/mbrry. Alice left the blog in the Spring of 2013 and Char bowed out in the Summer of 2015. Current mods, Flyingcatstiel and Kyrie were lurking around and helping with asks and reviews since blog’s early days but became official mods in January 2013 and January 2014, respectively. 

Year One: Season 8 (August 28, 2012 - September 31, 2013) Below the cut are some key milestones of that first year! Links go to posts on the blog. 

That nitty gritty blog stuff  Some of our technical features were started right off the bat such as our Twitter account (October 3, 2012) and the Google Custom Search Engine (December 9, 2012). A favorite technical feature added in March 2013 was the Random review button. It is linked on the side bar next to the random post button. Have you tried it yet? Here's post to help you to find it (and this is why we always tell folks to visit us on desktop)!  

If you know DFF, you know we love organising and tagging fic! The Beginning of Tags page as we know it happened shortly thereafter with the Tags layout being finalized mid-February 2013.  In April 2013 we made the first of many major reference tag posts. Not surprisingly, it was for High School AUs, a fan favorite! These reference posts serve as a content table to some of our most overloaded tags. Check out all of them on #reference post tag. Another type of tag we added were ones to identify our mods to address asks about who reviewed what fic such as this about the flyingcatstiel tag. To this day, we still get asks about our stalwart mod!

With all these new features, a Guide to DFF was developed and published at the end of March 2013, to help our followers to get around our blog and we posed an FAQ the next month. 

Organising and Streamlining  As we continued to gain followers (see below), they were eager to share their favorite fics with us so we could promote them on the blog. At this point, we just posted the links and tagged them with unofficial tag. There was no oversight or tagging, and it became clear we had to find a better way to handle these submitted recs. So we started the Unofficial rec bulletin and Bulletin #1 posted on March 9, 2013. There are now 173 Bulletins and you can find them all on the  #unofficial rec bulletin tag. Feel free to browse those pre-bulletin recs on the unofficial tag, but be aware that they are untagged and quite a few links could be broken. 

Just like the submitted recs, asks were also getting overwhelming! That same March, we started the Group asks to seek help from our followers for questions that the mods couldn’t answer. Check out Group Asks #1! There are now 167 Group Asks under our #group asks tag!

We love our followers! Frequent posting and answering all asks resulted in a rapid growth of our follower count. We celebrated our first 1,000 followers on December 27, 2012, and 2,000 followers on February 16, 2013. By April 2013 we had 4,000 followers and celebrated with a post about our Most Popular reviews. By the time Season 8 ended and summer rolled around, we were celebrating 6,000 followers (June 2013). We marked this milestone by launching a new blog, DestielFanWorks, and 4 brand new thematic fic rec lists - Western Destiel, Micheal!Dean Destiel, Medieval Fantasy Destiel, Reverse!Verse Destiel.  These were joined by our Athletic Rec List a month later. 

Soon we had to stop celebrating follower milestones with special posts since the blog was gaining ~1k followers per month during the first year. Season 8 of SPN was a very exciting time in fandom and DFF just happened to be here to help with fics. We still can’t believe the amount of asks that got answered almost daily during the first year. Very soon it became clear that something needs to be done to streamline ask posts, to reduce repeat asks, to lessen clutter on our follower dashes and to keep mods sane. 25 posts in one day will do that. 

DFF and fandom DFF has always tried to stay away from heightened emotions of fandom life and provide a calm oasis to all fic readers. But mods are just fans and sometimes we have things to say. ;) 

After 8x17, “Goodbye Stranger” on March 21, 2013, we renamed our Twist and Shout recovery tag to Feelings Recovery as described in this post. Even now, we direct people there after particularly difficult events. Our ask about what fics we would rec to Misha Collins became a favorite after we posted it in March 2013 because it highlighted that not all fanfic is porn. However, please don’t take this as an invitation to show fic to actors! 

The publishing of Point Pleasant became another fandom event we supported.  For those who don’t remember, Point Pleasant by chainedtoacomet was a very popular destiel fic in 2012/2013. When author decided to publish it, she asked DFF to get the word out about upcoming deletion of fic from AO3. We gladly helped with promos on DFF and DFW. (See this post about destiel fics we know of that were published and where to buy them.) 

Sometimes, mods just... *clenches fist*  DFF mods learned the hard way that answering all anon asks fast leads to more asks. A lot of thought and effort was put into measures that would help us to curb repetitive anon asks, like our New to Destiel Guide, so the mods could actually read and rec fic instead of answering yet another ask about a high school fic. This led to our first PSA about (mostly) Anon Asks April 20, 2013. The situation didn’t change much and we had to make another post about limiting our response (July 11, 2013), and more posts, X, X (July 27, 2013) . Which was met with some rude comments in our inbox X, X, but also support from followers for standing up and defending our boundaries. In the end, we drafted a Mission Statement (July 29, 2013) to clarify the purpose of our blog. So, if you ever wondered why the anon was switched off or why some asks got deleted, this is the answer. 

About fic Ratings A lot of our current followers may not know that DFF used to rate reviewed fics on ABC scale. The mods did their best to be polite but still give an honest rating of the fic. Our A and A+ tags were among most visited tags on the blog and deemed to be helpful to readers. We explained our use of ratings in this answer post, June 4, 2013. DFF fic ratings however came back to bite us in the most unexpected way when some authors got hate because we rated their fics with an A+. To protect authors and to fight hate, DFF swiftly removed all ratings as described in this PSA about removing ratings  (August 5, 2013). We had to adjust our reviewing style afterwards, but we now strongly believe in a no-rating fic reviews. It was the best decision DFF mods ever made and just in time for our first anniversary. 

DFF 1 Year Anniversary, August 28, 2013.  To give back to fandom and to celebrate fanfic, DFF mods invited selected fic authors and followers to share their favorite fics. See this Anniversary Post  that lists all Author & Follower spotlights that were prepared for this anniversary. We also posted Personal Favorites rec list and Blog Statistics post.  

tl:dr - all posts about blog stuff are tagged with #about tag, we also have a #PSA tag for all PSAs we posted. Check out our old #unofficial tag for early, mostly follower generated fic recs on this blog. We also have #uncategorized ask tag for those asks that just defied all our tags! Note - links to tags do not work on mobile...thanks tumblr!

Link to 5.5 years with destielfanfic Vol.2

[thing-you-do-with-that-thing]

Kari’s WIPs

How about we get the series over with first?

Choices - Part 3 (Dean x Reader): I am severly stuck on this one! And thank Chuck for @plaidstiel-wormstache for having the patience of an angel with me. This one is almost 2 months late and I am still only moving at sentence a days pace if I am lucky.

Kill Zone - Part 11 (Dean x Reader AU): Haven’t really started writing it yet, but I have gone from reading the outline for it and to making sticky notes which is the step before sitting down and writing it. The step I am dreading is handing it over to @percywinchester27 *glares*

Old Flames, New Sparks (Danneel x Reader x Jensen): I am writing away on this one. The first 3 parts are done and I am about to start part 4. I am really excited about this one but since it is something really new for me I would like to be halfway at the finish line before I start posting. 

Bonfire Hearts (Misha x Reader AU): I am working at really fleshing out my outline for this one and the plan is still that part one will post on my 2 year writing anniversary. 

Prank Wars - Part 2 (Chris Evans x Reader): Well technically I am not writing this part but I am betaing and I need to get my ass in gear doing that cause I was informed it is written. Follow the amazing @blacktithe7 for this part before my part 3 that will happen eventually lol. 

Then let’s have a look at those one shots shall we?

Daddy’s Girl - A Jared x Reader one shot that is set in the future and really playing with the padackles dynamic as well as with some Collins throw into the mix. I am sorta hoping to get this one done for  @wayward-mirage RPF appreciation day but it has been in the works forever so not holding my breath. I will have something for that day though I promise. 

Wax On, Wax Off - Jared x Reader and really just some fun at our beloved Moose’s expense. 

Everything - A Dean x Reader AU done for @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog challenge. And I so hope she doesn’t kill me for this one. Not saying why Mimi, you’ll just have to wait and see. ;)

Healing Touch - A Destiel AU for @i-dont-know-how-to-write challenge which is currently trying to kill me but I will get it right! Just been way too long since I have written for my babies. 

If Tomorrow Never Comes - A Misha x Reader flangst one shot leaning towards angst that’s based of an aesthetic request by @jackiefour I recieved for angst day. 

Her Life Before His Eyes - A Jensen x reader one shot based of one of my angst day drabbles. A lot of you expressed an interest in it being longer so it will be. Just remember you guys asked for it. 

I am also toying with a sweet fluffy summer AU one shot for Dean and another flangsty one shot/drabble for him but both of them are yet clear in my mind and they are also title less. Just now Dean is not forgotten lol. 

[5typesoftrash]

Pray in the Dark

Author: quicksilvermalec Artist: nathyfaith Rating: T (for swearing) Pairings: Sastiel, Destiel Warnings: Major Character Death, Graphic Depictions of Violence Brief Tags: Soulmates, Angst, Unrequited, Suicide Summary: Sam is desperately, hopelessly, miserably in love with an angel. His problem? The angel is in love with his brother, and he doesn't have it in him to make any attempt to break up their relationship.

Sam never even learns that his angel is his soulmate.

[longer tags, link to art post, and fic under the cut]

Extended Tags: Angst, Unrequited Love, Possibly Unrequited Love, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Sad Ending, Sad Sam Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, Drunk Sam Winchester, Wedding, Heavy Angst, Suicide, Murder, Hurt No Comfort, Blood, Blood and Violence, Death, Season/Series 09, Dean Winchester Bears the Mark of Cain, Mark of Cain (Supernatural), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Sad Castiel, Hurt Castiel, Divorce, this story is pretty dark, i think y'all might cry js :/, enjoy... ?

Here’s the art and you can read this story on AO3 as well! Enjoy <3

******

Some people have mundane things. “Did you get the mail?” “How was work today?” “Where are my keys?” That’s painful because people just simply don’t know when it’ll come. Every time the simplest, most everyday things happen, their blood goes cold.

Some people have things like “did you do the homework?” “My mom said it was okay.” “This is my least favorite class.” That hurts worse for their parents, because they know it’ll come early and they can’t protect them, and while it’s one thing to love and to lose, it hurts worse to never know at all.

Still others have words like “can I get your phone number?” “What’s your name, hon?” “That’s 14.46 at the next window.” And it’s quite possibly the cruelest thing of all to know that you’ll meet them once and never know them at all.

But Sam has spent his entire life tortured by the words He’s the only one who understands.

He wishes he knew what they were about. He wishes he knew who his soulmate was or why they say those words but he’s heard them a fair number of times in his life, always with someone he’d spoken to again later.

This is the story of how Sam came to realize who his soulmate was, and subsequently lose them.

~~

It starts when an angel falls into bed with his brother. Well… another angel. Dean’s already had sex with at least two.

Sam finds them just minutes post-coitus, spread out on the couch naked and barely covered with the blanket over their waists. He walks into the den and his heart breaks, so he covers it with disgust and mild disdain and thinly veiled support.

“Jesus,” he mutters, just walking past them into the kitchen. “At least the next time you do this, don’t do it on the couch. This is a communal space and I still live here, okay guys?”

Dean looks relieved and relaxed, and grins at him. “Yeah,” he replies. “Thanks, Sammy.”

Sam forces a soft smile at them. “Anytime. But seriously, get some clothes on.” He glances in the pantry before scoffing and fishing around in Dean’s discarded jeans for the keys to the Impala. “I’m getting fast food drive thru. Text me what you want from Arby’s.”

Dean scoffs but doesn’t argue. “Alright, see you later.”

Sam smiles and watches him relax against Castiel. It’s amazing and makes him happy to see Dean so comfortable and himself with someone. Sam’s never seen him this exposed and vulnerable. If Cas is what it takes, Sam will swallow his feelings for his brother’s sake.

Dean closes his eyes and curls closer, resting on Cas’s chest. Sam stands in the doorway, just watching them, for a long moment before he opens the door and disappears to get them dinner.

By the time he gets back, they’re decent and they’ve cleaned themselves up. He can almost forget the very vivid mental images he has of what they may or may not have done to each other.

~~

Sam supposes the next part is when Cas comes to him with an interesting proposition.

“I would like to marry your brother,” he says bluntly. Sam stares at him.

“Uh…” he says. “Okay. Cool. You’re telling me this because why?”

Cas bites his lip. “I understand it is customary for one to ask their intended’s family for their permission and or approval before proposing.”

Sam snorts. “Not anymore. That was about forty to fifty years ago, at least. And usually that’s a man proposing to a woman, and he’d normally ask her father. Dean’s not a woman, he’s a male-identifying person, and you’re not a man, you’re a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent shaped vaguely like a man, and I’m not Dean’s father, I’m his younger brother, so really none of that applies here.”

Cas purses his lips in the way that some people do when they’re trying very, very hard to keep from laughing. “Very well, Sam. Would you mind helping me pick out a ring, at least?”

Yes, Sam wants to say. Yes, I would mind so very incredibly much, because the very thought of you being with Dean tears me into pieces in a way that I never thought I could feel. Because somehow, despite being tortured and raped in the Cage for thousands of years, I have never felt such intense pain as I have in the months since you and Dean inadvertently revealed your relationship to me. I would mind, Castiel, because I’m in love with you, too. Dean isn’t the only Winchester to fall for our angel.

But he can’t say any of those things. Because he’s a good and faithful little brother, not to mention he can’t corrupt a literal angel that way, not as an upstanding Christian, and he refuses to destroy their relationship when he loves them both so incredibly much.

So he doesn’t say those things, and instead he forces a smile and says “yeah, I could do that.”

Castiel lights up like the sun peeking out from behind a cloud, and Sam knows he made the right decision.

~~

They go ring shopping together that weekend. In honesty, it makes Sam feel a little pathetic. He’s out and about with his best friend whom he’s secretly madly in love with helping him buy a ring to propose to someone else. It makes him feel sick. He’s miserable.

But if having Dean Winchester as his one active parental figure during the most formative years of his life taught him anything, it’s how to play through pain, repress your emotions, and convince everyone around you – including yourself – that you’re totally fine at all times.

So Sam does.

His faked enthusiasm must be pretty believable because Cas buys it, and so does the cashier. They pick out two options – platinum and white gold – and they’re looking at them both side by side. “The white gold is more easily damageable, but it’s lighter,” she explains to them. “The platinum is heavier and more expensive, but also more durable.”

Sam glances at Cas. “Well, money is a nonissue for us, so honestly? I think you should go with the platinum.”

Cas smiles. “I would be inclined to agree. Thank you, Sam.”

Sam nods. “You’re welcome,” he murmurs softly. The cashier smiles at them.

“I don’t see a lot of couples ring shopping together,” she tells them as she rings up their purchase. “It’s actually really sweet that you’re choosing your rings together.”

Cas shakes his head. “No, Sam and I are not a couple. I am  hoping to end up marrying his brother.”

Her face instantly pales. “Oh,” she manages. “It’s just… you seem so… Are you sure you’re not soulmates?”

Sam purses his lips. “Cas doesn’t have one, and… how can anyone be sure? No one really knows if they’ve met their soulmate until they die or walk out of your life forever.”

She nods. “Of course. Silly of me to ask. Here are the rings, anyway, and, uh… well, I hope your brother says yes.”

Cas takes them from her graciously. “Thank you,” he manages. “I hope his brother says yes as well.”

~~

Dean says yes.

~~

More accurately, he screams it like a girl being proposed to on a fancy dinner date in some clichéd heterosexual romantic comedy or chick flick. Sam can hear him from the other end of the Bunker.

It would be cute. If Sam’s heart wasn’t currently lying on the floor smashed into a million pieces by a sledgehammer.

~~

And then comes the part that really ties the bow on all the beautifully horrifically miserable events of the past several months. Dean and Cas ask Sam to officiate their wedding.

And Sam… Sam is an idiot, and a guilty one at that. So Sam agrees.

He gets ordained online, Dean picks up the marriage license from the county clerk’s office, and they’re legally married in the library of the Bunker.

Sam is only a little ashamed to admit he cries himself to sleep that night.

But Cas and Dean are happy. He keeps reminding himself of that. Cas and Dean are together, and happy, and that’s all he’s ever wanted for his friends, no matter what his personal feelings might be. No matter if those personal feelings are partially feeling his entire being torn in half every time he sees them together and partially wishing he could tear his brother in half every time he sees them together. It doesn’t matter. He has to remember that.

It doesn’t matter. It will never matter. He will be miserable happy on his own and Dean and Cas will be happy together.

The world spins on. Sam’s heart remains broken.

~~

The turning point, the thing that simultaneously fixes everything and makes it a thousand times more painful, comes on Dean and Cas’s first wedding anniversary.

Sam makes them a video, because he doesn’t know what else to do for them, and then he disappears to let them have loud sex while he gets drunk alone.

Cas finds him around two in the morning, which Sam supposes is technically no longer their wedding anniversary, but he doesn’t really care because he’s drunk and tired and he’s been awake for twenty-seven hours and he wants to die. But Castiel is here, his angel, the angel he’s been in love with practically since that first far-too-long handshake. And he’s happy, because he’s always happy with Cas, but he’s depressed, too. Because Cas belongs to someone else. Cas always has and always will belong to Sam’s brother, and never to him.

Dean doesn’t have a soulmate. Sam’s happy that he found someone else without a soulmate who makes him happy. Sam’s happy that Cas managed to somehow be at peace with himself, to love someone so deeply and truly that Sam’s measly, weak, moronic human brain could never comprehend. And he knows it’s selfish to wish that he were the one being loved like that.

He’s torn apart. He can’t fix this.

And that is how Castiel finds him, laying on the floor, drunk out of his mind and depressed enough to put a bullet in his mouth if he had the energy to lift his gun.

Cas sits down on the floor next to him. “Are you alright, Sam?” he asks quietly. Sam shakes his head.

“What part of this… gives you the okay that I’m idea.” He frowns. “Idea that I’m okay. Yeah. That.”

Cas purses his lips. “Well, at least you’re being honest, I suppose. What are you feeling right now, Sam?”

Sam laughs bitterly. “Nothing,” he confesses. “I feel… nothing. I’m broken and… and cruel… and mean. I suck. You should- you should hate me, Cas. I’m the worst.”

Cas shakes his head. “No, Sam, I will never hate you. You are my best friend.”

“I don’t wanna be your best friend!” Sam shouts, slurring wildly. “I don’t wanna.” He sounds a little like a petulant child, but he doesn’t particularly have an issue with that. It’s just his alcohol-blurred brain anyway.

Cas gently pries the bottle from his hands and sets it on the floor, far out of his reach. “What’s wrong, Sam?” he asks.

“Why did you marry Dean?” Sam wonders aloud. “What- why?”

Cas sighs. “Well… I married your brother because he’s hotheaded and passionate and he cares a lot about people even if he doesn’t show it. I married him because I’ve seen his soul and it’s one of the most beautiful things in the world. I married him because he needed someone to be close to him, to help him heal from everything that’s happened and he needed someone besides you because the two of you… you escalate each other. I married him because I was in love with him, Sam.”

Sam sighs and stands up. “I’mna go to bed,” he mumbles.

“I’ll help you,” Cas offers, holding him steady and leading him toward his bedroom. Sam leans subconsciously into the comforting touch and the warm promise of more, drawing them from Cas as long as he could until Cas inevitably leaves him again.

It’s just that… Sam knows he will never be enough. He’ll never be enough for Cas – Cas who wants Dean, who wants his green eyes and his bowlegs and his symmetrical face and his gender-conforming male normality. Cas who wants Dean in all his fucked-up, dysfunctional glory, who wants to heal him, because Sam can’t do it because – he’ll never be enough for Dean, either – Dean, who is ruined in so many ways, who was abused and maltreated, who hated himself all his life. Dean who believes he is broken in so many ways that cannot be fixed, Dean who resists Sam’s every attempt to help him because all Sam has ever wanted was for Dean to feel okay, even just for a little while, because Dean never takes anything for himself and that’s why Sam has to sacrifice the angel to him, because Cas is the one thing Dean will accept for his own wellbeing and Cas can help him in all the ways Sam will never be good enough to. Sam can’t help him.

Sam will never be good enough, and he’s long since made his peace with that.

But as Cas deposits him in his bed, walks away from it, Sam calls out his name, makes him pause in the doorway and turn. “Yes?” he asks patiently, always so patient, so good, putting up with Sam and all his bullshit on his anniversary when he should be with Dean, should be celebrating how happy he is with the man that isn’t Sam. Sam hates himself for this, hates himself for everything. The guilt is overwhelming.

“It’s because he understands you, isn’t it?” he asks. It’s a miracle he can get through that full sentence.

Cas nods sadly. “Dean is…” he trails off, staring at the wall. “He’s the only one who understands.”

He closes the door behind him, and Sam is far too drunk and far too close to sleep to figure out why those words seem so goddamn familiar.

~~

Sam wakes up screaming.

~~

Sam wakes up with one of only two people in this world still living that he really loves standing over him, a blade pressed to his throat. Sam screams and looks up at him and pleads for mercy, and Dean’s cold, emotionless eyes don’t soften in the slightest.

“Dean,” Sam sobs. “Please. It’s me, I’m your brother, I love you. Please…”

Dean doesn’t say anything. He just lifts the First Blade above his head and plunges it deep into Sam’s chest.

The light dies in Sam’s eyes, and the second it goes out, Dean is himself again.

Just a second too late.

~~

Dean will never forgive himself, Cas knows. When he returns to the Bunker from his pie run he finds Dean vomiting into the toilet, and he drops everything to be at Dean’s side. “Dean,” he whispers urgently. “Dean, are you alright? What happened, are you sick?”

Dean wipes his mouth on his sleeve and looks at Cas through empty eyes laced with horror. “I killed him,” he whispers. “He’s dead, Cas, I killed him. This thing, the Mark… I didn’t even know what I was doing. It was like I just woke up, and I was in his room, and he was dead.”

It takes Cas another couple seconds to figure out what he’s talking about. His heart drops into his stomach. “Sam?” he croaks. His voice is low and horrified.

“I lost control,” Dean whispers, and then he lets out a choked, miserable sob, a horrible sound from deep in his chest that breaks Cas’s heart. He never wants to hear it again.

Cas pulls him into his chest, holds him close, and doesn’t try to say anything. He knows there is nothing in all the world that anyone can say that will make this better. Nothing will ever fix what Dean has lost, and a death by the First Blade… that’s irreversible. They’ll never get him back.

They go back to him, to find him, and they peel off his shirt to clean him up, to put him in a new one. But Cas’s heart sinks lower, from the pit of his stomach into the floor, because in a delicate scrawl across Sam’s left bicep, where he always used to wear his armband, are the words He’s the only one who understands. But they’re not black like most people’s words. They’re blue.

They’ve already been said.

Blue like my eyes, Cas thinks, and he thinks back to the night before, the last words he’d said to this friend, and he wonders if Sam loved him that way. Why wouldn’t he tell me? he thinks, but even as he thinks it he knows the answer.

He will never be the same again. He and Dean will never be the same.

He closes his eyes, extends his wings to fly into the city, to fly anywhere else, and a set of Enochian words float across his vision.

His heart must be in the center of the Earth now.

He pulls one large, invisible, dark wing in front of himself and sees them, seared into his feathers.

It’s because he understands you, isn’t it?

“I thought I didn’t have one,” Cas breathes. “I always thought I didn’t have a Gracemate.”

He does.

He does, and it’s the brother of the man he married. He does, and he pushed him away again and again, repressed his feelings for him because he swore to be monogamous to Dean and he’s not an angel who breaks his promises. He does have a Gracemate, and he promised himself to the wrong person, gave his heart to them, committed himself fully to Dean when Sam was right there.

If he could have had them both…

But there’s no use in thinking that way now, not when Sam is gone and there is nothing Castiel can do to change that. He doubts it will stop him from thinking it, though, because knowing too late is one of the cruelest things in the world.

~~

They give Sam a hunter’s funeral. They burn him behind the Bunker, in the woods near where he used to love to jog. Cas remembers his favorite places.

They don’t take any cases for a while. Instead, they go across the country on an unofficial Goodbye, Sam Winchester tour. They visit his favorite diners, play his favorite songs, find his favorite spots in nature in all fifty states. They finish back in Kansas, they go back to Lawrence, and they see the house. Cas can’t bring himself to touch Dean at all, and Dean doesn’t ask.

Cas waits a full week after they return to the Bunker.

“Dean,” he says quietly. “Dean, we need to talk.”

Dean sits down at the table. “Alright,” he says softly. “What about?”

“About Sam,” Cas replies. “About… us.”

“What about us?” Dean asks, his guards instantly up. Cas takes a shaky and completely unnecessary deep breath.

“I can’t stay married to you,” he replies softly.

Dean’s face visibly pales and Cas thinks idly that Dean is wearing the same expression he himself wore just over a year ago when Dean told him he couldn’t continue to live in the Bunker.

“What?” Dean asks weakly. “I’ve lost so much and now you’re going to take my marriage?”

“Just listen to me, Dean,” Cas implores. “The words on your brother’s arm, did you see them?”

Dean swallows and nods. “‘He’s the only one who understands’?” he recalls. Cas casts his eyes down to the floor.

“Those were the last words I said when I left Sam’s room that night. Before—” you killed him “—he died. And now… I have the words Sam said to me right before that tattooed on my wings in Enochian. Dean, your brother and I were soulmates. And I don’t feel right continuing in this relationship with you. I feel as though I am dishonoring his memory.”

“Did you love him?” Dean asks abruptly.

Cas glances at him and slowly nods.

“Then why were you with me? You shoulda been with him.”

“Because… because I loved you too. And I never thought Sam would love me. I never thought I had a Gracemate, either, until Sam died. I thought you and I were more compatible, as two beings without mates.”

“But you would have made Sam happy. I didn’t have to fall in love with you,” Dean snarls, sounding angry. “I wasn’t fated to. But Sam was. Instead of letting us be happy you just strung us both along.”

“I didn’t know!” Cas insists.

“I don’t care,” Dean growls. “Get out of my sight.”

~~

Within three months, they’re divorced.

Dean never apologizes for the things that he said to Cas that night. Not even in the note on his bedside table the night Cas finds him hanging from the ceiling in his room, a rope around his neck.

And then Cas is alone again, to wander this strange, cruel world without his two closest friends to guide him.

This is how it was intended, he knows. He was never meant to fall for two human men. The fact that he did just proves that he cannot be trusted with his own destiny.

But if this is how he was created, why does it feel so unjust?

If he was meant to live this way, why is he so lonely?

He wonders. Will he ever feel happy again?

Will he ever feel anything again?